KILL TONY - #502 - ADAM RAY + JADE CATTA-PRETA

Episode Date: April 23, 2021

Adam Ray, Jade Catta-Preta, Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson, Zac Bogus, Matthew Muehling, Michael A. Gonzales, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 03/22/2021THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Let Sunday take the guesswork out of growing a greener, more beautiful lawn this Spring.Visit GETSUNDAY.COM/KILLTONY to get $20 off your custom lawn plan at checkout!

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every podcast we do at Death Squad can be found on our website DeathSquad.tv. Check out our website ShopSquad.tv for everything merch. We have Death Squad hats and shirts and Kill Tony shirts. Go to ShopSquad.tv. If you want to find out anything about Tony Hinchcliffin, his tour and his merch, you can go to TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony.

Ryan J. Ebelt, the house artist, he draws every episode and you go to RyanJEbelt.com to get your books and prints. And if you want to see us live, you can go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Not only do we have a show every Monday in Austin, Texas, but we are always on tour. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Red Band, coming to you live from Antones in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for it, Tony, let's go. Fuck yeah, Austin, Texas, we're live, make some noise, here we are, this is it.

This is where the magic happens, the great Brian Red Band is here. Hey, everybody. How about a big hand for the Kill Tony Band, everybody? Brought to you by Delicious Fix Vodka, the first ever alkaline vodka, less hangover, more fun. That's John D's on the keys, Mike Gonzalez on the drums, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, and our boy, D-Madness on the bass here tonight. Let him hear you, there you go, magical, magical stuff, fun stuff happening, and a fun episode

is right ahead of us. How many of you out there, this is your first time being at an episode of Kill Tony, huh? Wow, a lot of first timers, that's very interesting. I'm excited to be here, fun stuff, every show's been crazy. We got the great Ryan J. E. Belt drawing tonight's episode all the way from Los Angeles, California, the new coloring book, a bunch of shirts, a bunch of road posters, a bunch of fun stuff, all available at ryanjeebelt.com, so that's exciting. Chris Rogers of Chris Rogers Art behind us, we don't even know what he's doing tonight,

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That's ridge.com slash Kiltony and use the code Kiltony all one word for your discount. Again, 10% off today, ridge.com slash Kiltony, Austin owned and Austin groaned and we're back everybody. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? How exciting. Me too. Let's do it. Tonight's guests, everyone, two comedy store paid regulars, two people that I consider

classmates of mine. High ranking people at the comedy store that worked their way from the back of the lineup at the toughest comedy club in the world all the way to the middle. And they're here for you right now all the way from Los Angeles, California. Make some noise for the great Adam Ray and Jade Catapretta. Wow. Jade is the host of the soup on the E network. Most importantly, she's the host of Jaded, the only comedy store podcast happening right

now. Full backing of the comedy store. She's holding down the fort and Adam Ray, of course, the host of about last night and he also is in the new NBC show, the young rock. That's awesome. Where he plays. Am I allowed to say he plays young Vince McMahon. Here's as though he's been hit by some of those fun Austin allergies.

Our most congested guest of all time, ladies and gentlemen, Adam Ray, doing lines of Allegra before the show. Those allergies in Austin are real. They are good to be here. It's also the pot is very good here. It is too good. The pot. Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks to FedEx. They do a really good job. Really good job getting it from other places. We're all stuffed up on barbecues, speaking of the munchies from the amazing people over at Leroy and Lewis. I don't know if you guys have been to this place at Cosmic Coffee on South Congress. They made us some beef ribs, some sausage and popcorn made in fat that we're going to

eat after the show. I'm super excited about fat popcorn. I need to put some meat on my bones and they were guided here by of course the great Yoni over at Best Barbecue Show who helps us out all the time. He's the man. Special shout out. I have a special guest here, everyone. I have the coolest graphic artist slash propagandist in the world.

Make a noise for the great McVader, everyone, visiting from all those fun kill Tony promos you've seen over the years. They're made by him. He just sends them right to me every week. He's a monster at what he does. Yeah. I'm excited about the show. We had a lot of first timers here tonight, so a quick lowdown for you.

A bunch of people signed up for the chance to perform here on this show in front of us. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted and then we talk to them about their lives afterwards. You know your 60 seconds is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means wrap it up then or else you're going to bring out the angry fashion district bear. Wow, that is one big gay bear, isn't it? He got angrier. He really is.

He's really angry now. He was gay or two. He's happy in West Hollywood. He's furious. He has an oak allergies when he's not stuffing his mouth with cock. His nose is stuffed with pollen. You guys ready to start this fucking show? Yeah, baby.

I like this crowd tonight. I like this crowd tonight. It's a big, big upgrade. It feels like the energy is up there. Almost feels like a Tuesday in here. You know what I mean? Geez. I can see that guy's knees.

It's really getting crazy. Wow. His knees look like just really long thighs. There's barely any bone or anything there. Big Texas knees. They're just blown out. There's no more joints. Lots of salt on there.

Hard for me to get my Silverado, Tony. Pull the name out of the bucket. Let's fucking go. Your first comedian, shaking. I'm sure nervous as hell right now to get things started. Make some noise for Leo Konopka. Leo Konopka is first on Kill Tony. Anything can happen here.

A few weeks ago, we had a completely homeless guy go first. Turns out he just signed his name on a piece of paper. He was standing out there. I called his name. He came up truly as homeless as it gets. Anything can happen here on Kill Tony. Anyone can sign up. There's a holding tank of comedians up top.

Some comedians on the sidewalk. And some people signed up, I'm sure, that are sitting in the audience right now. Here's Leo Konopka, everyone. What the fuck is up? How we feeling, Antones? Hell yeah. So I've been working on my discipline. I've been working on my discipline, so I have one cheat day a week, but I never tell

my girlfriend. Yeah. Sometimes I want to eat a pizza by myself, and I also don't want her to know that I'm fucking her sister. So. Cool. I'm 5'8. I'm 5'8.

I found out recently men who are 5'8 and shorter are two times more likely to kill themselves than men who are 6' or taller. I think it's because men who are 6' or taller when they try to hang themselves, their feet still touch the ground. Fuck yeah. I just bought pepper spray. I just bought pepper spray, so in case I have a rape, I can blind them too. They won't even be able to see me coming.

I'm Leo. Thank you guys. Leo Kanapka. Leo Kanapka Makka is a place to sit. Funny little name, huh? You have a Hawaiian last name, and you're white as fuck. Yeah, dude. What's up with that?

Let's make things more confusing. My stepdad's black, and my ex-girlfriend's a stripper, so there's... Oh, so much material. How would we have a show idea? I love how strippers now count as their own race of people. Funny you should mention, Tony, I'm actually a part Native American and stripper. The fuck are you talking about, bro? I'm just trying to spice up the interview for you.

Let's talk about it. Your ex-girlfriend was a stripper. How long were you with her for? Two years. Two years with a stripper. She comes home. What happens? She takes a shower?

Yeah, I just... Check, sir. Hey, man. Take a bath. Guys that have strippers for girlfriends are always ultra-romantic, right? It's like, hey, babe, I already have a bath run for you and rose petals all over the fucking place. Watch up.

Cover up that fucking sweat. Your sodium levels must be out of control from that such a salty lady. Took the Salisbury steak out of the wrapper for you. Yikes. Why are you dressed like you work backstage at Cats the Musical? Listen. It's nice. Black on black is good.

Black on black. Do you ever talk about fucking your girlfriend's sister? Sister. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that... That's a joke, yeah? It's a joke. Yeah.

But does she have a sister? No. She has an autistic brother. Well, have you... That's funny. Have you fought him? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

How hot is he? Parents probably won't believe him if he says you raped him anyway. He's autistic. You know, they was... Shh. No. I do like this audience tonight. This is exciting.

This is great. What a relief. What a relief. We're going to be in it tonight. We have launched. All right, Leo. So what do you do for work? Sell mushrooms.

Wow. Oh, yeah. He thought about it. He thought about it. He sounded like he was about to lie. Yeah, I know. What was the lie you were thinking of? Yeah, what teacher?

Fucking... It's also not a lie. My ex-girlfriend sends me like $200 a week because she thinks I'm going to make it. So... Make it in what? Oh, sure, daddy. Comedy and stuff. Wow, look at that.

The stripper girl believes in you. Yeah. She's taking other men's money and giving it to you, dude. Yeah. The fucking... The cycle of life, baby. Yeah, it's the circle of life. My God.

That is incredible. How long has she been giving you this fucking... Stripper per diem. Yeah, this fucking... I think it's called per... Stripper per diem. I think it's called perennium, right? Wow.

How long have you been getting this fucking horror alimony for? Let's talk about it. I moved here on the first, so it's been twice. Wow. That's so cool. Where'd you move from? How many dances is that? Baltimore, actually.

Baltimore. She's a Baltimore stripper. Yeah. Wow. The aquarium. Yeah, that's good. Oh, my... If that's the song she comes up to.

Wow. She's just... That's incredible. Yeah. Okay. And so what did you do when you were in Baltimore? Well, I worked at Magoobies. I was a door guy at Magoobies.

Okay. Is that a strip club? No. It's a comedy club. It should have been. Magoobies is a famous comedy club. I've been there. They're very close to the McCormick seasoning factory.

Yeah. So you can smell like cinnamon and parsley and whatnot in the air when you're driving by. That's what... That's beautiful. That's the only thing I remember about that trip to Magoobies. Yeah. So much fun. You make it big as a comedian.

You have to go places that are called Magoobies. Magoobies. I made it, mama. I promise. Catch me at Magoobies. Work hard, kids. One day. Follow your dreams.

And you too can make it to Magoobies. I love it. Leo, what do you do for fun? You seem like a guy that has some deep, dark hobbies. Your set was great, by the way, if you want to talk about it. Yeah, your jokes are really great. Good jokes. How about a hand for Leo?

Way to start off the show strong, for real. Yeah. Scary first spot. Yeah. Right before I came down, I'm like, dude, I'm going to take the fucking bullet. Yeah, you're shitting. And I'm like, I'm about to shit myself. Yeah.

Take that energy. Use it. Yeah, I did. I thought you had a really good opportunity to bring back a tag on the second one where you don't tell the sister about your diet, either. Your diet cheats, either. You know what I mean? Yeah.

Thought that might be a good spot. Where'd you meet the stripper in Baltimore? Tinder. Wow. That's good material. I didn't know she was a stripper at first. Well, gave it away. Yeah.

She brought her pole with her. She's like, hey, do you mind if I put this here? No. She didn't bring it up for the first month that we hung out. That's fair. And then you're like, what are all these dollar bills in your thong, dude? Why do you keep on paying in ones for dinner, woman? Yeah.

I matched with this girl Tiffany Tite puts on Tinder. I don't know what she does. I'm going to have to find out in a month or so. Crystal Pussy Lips seems like a nice girl, but I'm not sure what she does at nine. Yeah. Wait, so what was your response? Do you remember? Were you shocked?

Were you excited? Oh, I don't judge, dude. Yeah. Whatever you got. However you make your money, right? She was like, I want you to move in with me and I'm going to pay all the bills. And I did that. So wait, you're a sugar baby.

You're like a stripper sugar baby. Yeah, she's two years younger than me. What do you think she likes so much about you? Are you good in the bedroom? Are you doing chores or something? Yeah. I did. Actually, funny enough, are you looking for her?

No, no, no. Put them in straight from Baltimore to have any tight pusses here. I started a fucking like under the table cleaning business for like five strippers. I made like $800 a week cleaning five different stripper's houses. Oh my God. Under the table. It gives a whole new meaning to under the table. What are you cleaning?

What are you cleaning? Like a lot of eyelashes. Strippers are dirty as fuck. Oh, yeah. They're fucking dirt balls. Jesus, relax. Who would have thought? It's all true.

It's all true. I dated a stripper that used paper towels as a tampon. Okay. Red Band. We all have a rough day. That's you. My mom's going to watch this. That's a testament to who you date, not who strippers are.

Paper towel tampon, Red Band. The stories this guy has are insane. What was the breakup like? No, I decided to move to Austin and we lived together for the last three months as just friends and I'd like, hey, I'm moving here and I'm going to just try to pursue stand-up full-time and she's like, can I come with you? I'm like, no. Why'd you say no?

Because I don't need that. What, you don't need somebody providing for you? Yeah. I don't need that, but please keep the checks coming. Just keep sending money in the mail. I sure do love these $200. Truthfully, it makes things too easy. It made things way too easy.

Yeah, you're like, I want to sell mushrooms myself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I love it, Leo. Do you think you'll find a new stripper mentor down here? Mentor. But you know what I'm saying? Do you think you'll allow yourself to find that type of a situation or are you done taking handouts? Unbelievable.

Or hand jobs, whatever she was giving. Also, does the cash come in ones or is it a Venmo situation? How does it? A little mix of both. No, but not just a linear focus on trying to sling jokes and shit. Good move. Leo, I love it. I love it.

I love it. You're in the fucking game. Clearly, you're a lucky guy. You got pulled out of the bucket. There's like 70 names in this mammoth jamma tonight. Yeah. You made the best of the situation. You got the show started with a bang.

I believe in you, buddy. Keep coming back. Leo Knopka, everybody. Yeah, it's real. Follow him on Instagram at leo.comedian. That's him. Yeah, he's got a face of a tall dude and a body of a tiny dude. And now for something you guys will never even guess is real.

I'd like to introduce our new microphone cleaner and microphone switcher outer from the Yellow Rose and Red Rose, our favorite local strip clubs. It's Kaylee, everybody. This is a real life. Catch her at the Red Rose. Catch her at the Red Rose and go to the Yellow Rose and Red Rose, Austin's premier strip club.

The Red Rose celebrating their one year anniversary this Thursday upcoming Thursday, April 29th and the Yellow Rose and Austin Legend for 45 years. They have a world famous cheeseburger. Both places have complimentary limo service seven days a week and the hottest dancers from around the world. Yeah, they do. How about one more hand for Kaylee, everybody?

Huh? Yeah, it really is the best strip club in the United States of America. Yeah, it really is. Yeah, if you're wondering if that was just a smooth segue into a real strip club advertisement that was scheduled for today and then the first comedian pulled out of the bucket coincidentally talked about having a stripper girlfriend, that just happened because the comedy gods love us.

So the Yellow Rose and Red Rose, go to www.RedRoseAustin.com www.YellowRose.com and find your location. Red Rose is at South Congress. Yet you all know where the Yellow Rose is. I'm not even going to say it. Except the people with their wives. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian

goes by the name of Andy Harter. Andy Harter, everyone. Here we go. How weird is that? Is there a random pro wrestler walking around? Oh, OK, he works here. He works here. It's OK.

Andy Harter is coming, I'm sure. We got movement on an Andy. Where is this motherfucker? Yeah, get him here. Come on. Here we go. OK, he's coming. Thank Jesus Christ.

Here he comes, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for Andy Harter. So I recently had to come to terms with the fact that I'm poor. I got fucking creditors calling me. You have a negative balance of $14,232. Anyway, you can take care of that today. Visa, MasterCard, check my phone. Like, I just missed $10, $50 a month payments in a row.

What makes you think you got $14,000 laying around? Like, well, we're willing to offer you a settlement. If you can pay $9,000 now, we'll wipe the slate clean. That's a savings of over $5,000. I'll be like, yeah, if I don't pay you at all, that's a savings of $14,230. She's like, well, this negatively affects your credit score. My credit score?

What are you going to do? Lower it from $440 to $430? I don't give a shit. Take 10 for yourself while you're at it. I'm never going to miss it. There it is. Andy Harter, always making it look easy. This is your second time on this show?

Yeah. Incredible stuff, man. Look how sweet he is now. The turd. He is. He's a big fucking little softie pie. Look at him. You got the confidence of a white guy before me, too.

I like it. Yeah. Old school. Old school. I think I bought cigarettes from you and bred that doll. You're so cute. Look at your dimples. He is.

He's cute. For those of you listening to the podcast, not watching, he looks like a young, healthy Michelin man or something like that. Yeah. And he sounds like Jim Norton. Yeah, you got a great voice. You've got sitcom neighbor voice.

And timing. I took special note of your just execution. Like you really have a grasp. You take us on an adventure. You have mic control, volume control. Everything just was funny. How about the entrance? And this thing.

Yeah, that thing. Represent. Fucking coming in like. Washington motherfuckers. Yeah. That's not a place. Wow. And by the way.

Brow goes wild for his shout out to some. Wait, by the way. I'm a bourbon part of my whole life, man. Wow. Represent. Kenton. And I'm from Washington and I've been to Renton, and this is Renton.

Yeah. And it's awesome. And there's this much pride. So good for you. By the sands of things, I think he's going to be Renton for the rest of his life. This guy ain't from buying Washington. He's from, please give me a Loneville.

Yeah. Month by month city. Andy, what do you do for work? Remind us. I hustle, man. I love it. Tell us more about your hustles. The last guy.

I got like six of them. I drive a van for a guy that resells like shit from thrift stores. Yikes. I move furniture. I'm a dog sitter. I do like surveys and focus groups. Okay.

And you do like testing stuff or what? Well, like, you know, like, like they'll sit down and they'll sit, you know, they'll pick people who have a credit union versus a bank account and which do you like better. Okay. But it's cool. Like 30 minutes, like a hundred bucks. Wow.

And you're out the door. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. All right. 30 many thing where you did 30 minutes for a hundred bucks. Pretty good deal to me. Yeah. You can put your clothes on too.

That's hooker money. Yeah. Hey, speaking of hookers, I went to the yellow rose on your recommendation last time. Yeah, that's right. Just so that we're clear about our new sponsor, it's not filled with hookers. It is a gentleman's luxury strip club.

This is a brand new sponsor. I happen to know over a fact. I do believe the owner is here and I want him to know that we do not believe that it's filled with hookers. And speaking of murders and serial rapists, I've been to the yellow rose. And to be honest, this was not set up about four episodes ago. I did tell you to go to the yellow rose because it's my favorite

one. What's how did you like it? I got I got a lap dance and this girl looked like Winnie Cooper. I love it. One of the wonder years. That's hot. Yeah. I got I got red bands and the girls that look like Winnie the

Poo. No pants and a red shirt. You go. You go. You go. You go. Red band goes to the yellow rose just for the cheeseburger. They have good food there.

He's broke, but he spends all his money there. Yeah. He tips the burger like, oh, you fucking dirty bitch. He's like, this is negative 14,000 right here. You have like a really affable quality to even when you talk and I feel like there's info coming out that shouldn't like how many times have you done wedding speeches where you've been like, hey, Dave, remember when we double teamed that midget and cancun?

Anyway, to the bride and groom. But people are like, I like this guy. You know, you're likable. I mean, real life. Like I'm the guy that sits in the corner and won't do the speech. Right. Everybody's else so fucking hacky. Yeah, but you should be right.

Are you writing better shit in your head? No. Okay. Let me ask you this, Andy. Let me ask you this, Andy. It's an interesting one. What's what's what's a time that you do you seem like such a likeable good guy?

Yeah. What's a time that you almost got into a fight or like really or like, you know, yelled at someone? Well, real early into doing open mics, there was this guy. I don't know what it is about like guys that are like 55 and in that rain. Oh, I know what it is. Fight me.

They're bitter. Yeah. Well, it's like they still want to feel like a man. You know what I mean? I'm like the one man. Sorry. But the thing is, is that he was he was just talking like he was in his fucking living room.

And I was like really polite. You were on stage. No, no, no, I was behind him. But you're about to perform at some point. Right. Sure. Yeah. But yeah, I mean, he was just being rude.

Hey, man, there's a show going on. And then the whole rest of the night, he's all stomping around and fucking look at that physical comedy. Yeah. Like showing, you know, he'd like hug everybody in the bar and look at me like, look, we're friends. You know what I mean? I'm friends with this big dude, too.

So to answer your question. Wait, what was the question? What are you doing now? Here it comes. You didn't really yell at him or anything. You just said, hey, man, there's a show going on. Yeah. Yeah.

I knew it. That's exactly what I figured. He wanted to fucking fight all night after that, though. He's glaring at me. Right. Have you ever been in a fight? Yeah. I mean, I don't think I really have in my adult life.

He's kind of a scrappy kid. I had a guy last week. This is a true story. He asked me if he could, if he could be my security guard. He goes, hey, you know, Austin's crazy. It's filled with crazy people. You give me some money. I'll be your security guard.

I said, no. He goes, I'm going to beat the shit out of you. You can't even make this shit out. It's true. A true story. Like I'm literally like, do you know any good security guards? Now I'm actually threatened for the first time by a guy who just offered to be my security guard.

And I like how you the whole the mic, too. It's real friendly. You know, you're right up top, you know, by the shaft. He's a sweet, sweet guy. I think this is how likable John Capurulo could have been. That's just for us. What's the longest set you've done? I think I've done 20 minutes.

You know what? I would love to have you at Vulcan on Thursday to do a five-minute set. Whoa, look at that. You can't. Right to Hollywood. Andy Harder just booked a gig from being on Kill Tony. That's how the magic happens. There he goes.

Andy Harder, everyone. On Instagram at Andy.harder, H-A-R-T-E-R. Yeah, you can let Faheem in. Hey, Faheem can be let in. There you go. We got it. Okay, Faheem's in. So many white guys.

All right. Here we are. We're cleaning the microphone. How about one more hand for Kaylee? Again, you can find her at the Red Roads. Red Roads and Yellow Roads, they work together. What's the difference? Is there a difference between the Yellow Roads?

Locations. Yeah. All right. Moving it along, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of William Ray. William Ray. Should be fun. William Ray.

I'm going to start pulling the name, and then we'll have the cleaner clean, and then the person will be here. Yeah. That's the new move. Yeah. And maybe she shouldn't be wearing clothes? Red Band. That's enough.

All right. The power wearer. Red Band's alcohol starts kicking in, everybody. This is it. We've made it 25 minutes into the episode. This is where he says everything that he thinks. Here comes William Ray, everybody. It's really him.

Thank you so much. What's up, y'all? It's great to be here. For me, it's honestly great to be anywhere. I was addicted to heroin for years, and I barely made it out alive. On two separate occasions, I was revived by the Los Angeles paramedics. So shout out to those guys for ruining my buzz that day. A little bit about my life.

My ex, who's also the mother of my son. She was recently diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder. So now she has a legitimate medical excuse to be a cunt. One time when I was in jail in the 90s, a cop called me the Crypt Keeper. I just pretended like I didn't know what the fuck he was talking about, but inside I was like, man, this guy's roast game is on point. William Ray, everybody. Very fun.

How recently did you get off heroin? You look like you still have some in your bloodstream. It's incredible. You look like Henry Rowland's grandfather. What is happening? You kept his teeth, though, looking good. It's been a good 20 years. 20 years and you still got the look, huh?

The look, the feel of heroin. I love it, man. No, that's adorable. Welcome to the show. How long have you been on stand up? This is my first time. First time ever. Look at that.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. He's going to be chasing this dragon forever. Yeah, exactly. That's a good first time, man. Thank you. Yeah, definitely.

You must feel quite the rush right now. You must be really, absolutely. What's better, this rush or the heroin rush? Yeah. This. Yeah. Bullshit. That's not what anyone that's ever done heroin is.

So maybe 20 years you forgot what it's like. Here, let's get it. Can we get this guy some heroin and then we can ask him? The same time. Which one's better? A little bit closer. Let's refresh your memory a little bit. What's under the hat?

There's something going on. Oh, wow. Wait. Why does the hat look bigger when you have it on? You look like Toad from Super Mario Brothers when you have it on. It's puffy. I thought you would have a tiny fro. Yeah, you look like the bad guy from Mega Man with the hat on.

The guy with the giant brain. Then you take it off. There's just a tiny little head out of there. Look at that little baby head. Beetlejuice head. Look at that little fucking real deal over here. What do you do for work? Right now I work at my friend's construction company.

Okay. What type of construction are you doing? You got a wheelbarrow or something? Floors. Like hardwood floor installations. Okay. That's good. That's good construction job for a guy with your build.

Give him the floors. Everything's low. You don't have to worry about things so much. I don't want you to get high. So William, this is something that you've always wanted to do, right? Absolutely. How old are you? 51.

51. Okay. Hell yeah. All right. Good for your age and at next heroin addict. Yeah. Yeah, it's good. Pretty good.

You only look 60. So that's perfect. You've got kind of a Stanley Tucci leukemia type thing going on. Yeah. Oh, thank you. All right. I got to be honest. As that came into my head, I go, don't say that.

I do want to say your jokes were the flow, the pace I really enjoyed. Like even the first one, I was laughing very hard. And I liked the little, I don't know if it's a nervous tick. They're kind of walking forward, walking back, moving kind of without a purpose. But it almost felt like there was room for a, and it's probably too character, but like, what was the first joke that ended on what again, about killing my buzz? Yeah, they ruined my buzz that day. Yeah.

Every joke felt like there was a pause for like a, and that's what's up. Some sort of like, and that's just me being, you know what I'm saying? Like there was a little bit of a, the way you walked back and like, and fucking heroin, some shit, you know, like, that's the truth. The guy's done stand-up comedy for 60 seconds and he's already got branding. And I still got all my teeth. Hey, when I see talent, I see talent, Tony. So William Ray, tell us what else in life you seem like a guy that's seen and done a lot,

51 years on the planet. What else about you? Yeah, man. I used to play rock and roll in Hollywood in the 90s. Really? Yes. What kind of rock and roll would you do? You'd stand there with an electric guitar or something?

Yeah, I'm a guitar player. Okay. You sing at all? Yeah. Geez, Louise. What do you think? What do you think? What's going on?

What's like the genre that you most are comfortable? Wait, smash mouth. Hold on. We're trying to get... Somebody wants... Hold on. When's the last time you, uh, when's the last time you, uh, took a shower? He looks clean.

I'm doing some, this is just trust my questions. An hour ago. Like an hour before coming here. Okay. How about some, uh, can we, can we maybe spray his hands with some hand sanitizer? What do you think? You seeing what I'm, do you think of what I'm thinking? You down for this?

How many of you guys want to hear this guy play a guitar and maybe sing us a song right now, huh? All right. How about a big hand for Matt Mueling sharing his, uh, weapon out here? I just have to... Grab that mic stand right behind you. Throw the mic in there. Put it up to your, uh...

Just a quick disclaimer. I play guitar left-handed, so I'm about to play this guy's guitar upside down. Oh, okay. Can you do that? That's a challenge. Yeah. All right. Okay.

William Ray, these, these former heroin addicts can do some crazy shit. I'm telling you. Yeah. All the, all the comedians I know that used to do drugs that aren't on drugs are the best. You can't fucking... Wait, wait, wait. The sanitizer, the... Okay.

There it is. Oh, look at that. Straight from... Rag? Is there a rag? Oh, I see what you said. All right. Here we go.

The stripper just sprayed him. One more shout out to Matt Mueling for, uh, letting this happen. Follow him on Instagram and Twitter at Mutation, M-U-E-H-T-A-T-I-O-N. It was a very big deal for a musician, uh, to let someone else play their instrument, especially upside down, especially when they have done heroin in the past 25 years. Yeah. Yeah. You gonna sing too, William?

Uh, no. No. You're just gonna, you're just gonna play us a little diddly upside down. He's, he's grabbing a stool. I guess he plays like Mark Marin. He's asking for some backup too. Wow. There's a whole thing.

Yeah. A note is this in? Adam, just in case. You know, we could always... Do they understand what you're saying right now? Here you go. Wait. Okay.

That's not... Oh, shit. Wow. Oh, shit. Wow. Oh, shit. Wow. What the fuck?

Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, his first time doing stand-up comedy. This guy fucking shreds on a guitar. What? Stick to music, dude. What the fuck? I'm telling you, dude, you rip it like that and then you look in the camera and go, and that's what's up.

Come on, then. The toys. Did heroin do that? I love it. William Ray, you're a part of the Ray family. I just realized Adam Ray is our guest tonight. Dad? Oh, shit.

Yeah, I didn't realize. I was hoping that wouldn't happen. Wow. That would be fucking nuts if we're related somehow. My last name's Hamilton. Oh, okay. Well, then you're related to Lord Argus Hamilton. My middle name's Ray.

Stevie Ray Vaughn kind of energy, so it would be William Ray Hamilton. Absolutely. There you go. How come you got rid of Hamilton and went to Ray? As a musician, I used the name Billy Ray Hamilton. Yeah. And I'm trying to do stand-up here, so I figured let's change it up a bit. I don't know.

Cool, yeah. I love it. Switching it up, different thing. It's your life. You can do what you want. Thank you. You're really good music. Have you ever thought about doing music and comedy together?

Is that just too much? No, I try to write, like, some musical comedy songs and stuff. Hell yeah. Try everything. Do everything. Yeah, you're special. Come back again. Sign up again.

Absolutely. Find out more about you. There goes William Ray, everybody. He's on Instagram at Billy Ray Guitar. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Thank you. Thank you to Matt Mueling for letting him play his guitar.

That was so cool. Next up. It's going to be Nick Nopaja, Nick Nopuja, or Nick Dopuja. Can you put the microphone in the middle, dear? Can you put the microphone in the middle? Yeah, can you just put it up there? It's so fun to see all the different ones. I like how she cleans the pole, though.

Red Band, you're disgusting. Stop it. That's pretty good. That's good. Can you lift it up a little bit, too? You just squeezed the base of it. Yeah. To human mics.

And then, no, no, you don't have to do it. All right, that's perfect. That's perfect. Hey, here's Nick Nopuja, everybody. Here we go. Hell, yeah. What's up, Austin, Texas? I'm from Las Vegas, so this is all still new to me.

This is so fucking dope. So you guys remember SpongeBob? Yeah, how old is this crowd? You guys are like in your 20s, 30s? Yeah. Well, over quarantine, they'll be here. Over quarantine, the LBGT QQ 3.1456 community decided to have SpongeBob come out as gay. I'm not surprised, not by the fact that he lives in a pineapple in the sea.

I just had no clues getting butt-fucked in it, dude. This changes the whole perspective of the show. I just wanted to watch an innocent kid's show get some laughs. I gotta think about Patrick behind SpongeBob. Little, little, little-y! Yeah! Little, little, little-y! Yeah!

And you know SpongeBob's bottom bitch is covered in holes. Patrick's a starfish. That's five points of contact. You know it's fucked up, though. I used to watch it in Japanese, so it went a little bit something like, Communistize SpongeBob! Ah, Karika Kayo, Patrick! Karika Kayo! Communistize SpongeBob!

What's going on? What's going on? There you go. Nick, no paja. What's your name? Nick. No puja. No puja. What ethnicity are you? Croatian.

Croatian. You have any stripper in you? I dated a stripper who was also a dominatrix. You did? How long did you date her for? Six months. Wow, what was that like? Hell. Why?

It was like a drug I never experienced. Wait, is dating strippers a gateway to comedy? What's happening? It might be. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. What happened? Where'd it go wrong? What was the worst thing that happened? I said it's like hell. So there must be one example of a time that you remember if it was like, eternal flames.

Yeah, there's one. This isn't why we broke up, but one day I was just like, sitting down, reading that book, Sapiens, you know that book? Yeah. I know. No. I was just reading that shit and nothing's going on that day. She just comes in, grabs the book and fucking throws it across the room, starts screaming.

I'm like, I don't know it's a stripper thing or if you're just crazy. To throw a book? Yeah, to cross the fucking room. Did you say anything? They don't like books very much. I hate them. What are you trying to learn for? That's what it felt like.

What are you doing, dummy? I love it. So Nick, you're from Vegas. What brought you to Austin, Texas? Comedy, man. How long have you been on stand-up for? Three years and the past year was like the pandemic year. So I've been trying to get up at San Diego, Las Vegas.

What do you do in Las Vegas for a living? Teach yoga and do body work. Really? Wow. Interesting. Yeah, I would do like yoga, CBD, psychedelics, and... Yeah, I would like kind of combine them all into my own thing. I think you should lead with that.

I feel like you should lead more from your truth rather than from like, hey, he's gay in the bunny hole. Yeah, is all of your material like based on stuff that would kill him in front of ten-year-olds? Yeah. SpongeBob be like, whoa. At the point in time, yeah, my material is pretty good. I feel like even as you are right now, I'm more intrigued than when you were like, you know... I think like that guy is more intriguing than the comedian. The comedian is still like an infancy, you know what I mean?

This guy is cool. I want to know more about the yoga and the body stuff. I don't really want to know more about it. I want to know more about that, too. I want to know more about your breathing techniques. You look like you sell flesh lights out of a van. Which isn't a bad thing. So Nick, tell us the truth.

You got fucking spiked hair. You got a good tan. You have that dirty facial hair. You're teaching yoga to fucking innocent girls that ate too much that week, right? They're trying to fucking shed some pounds. How often do you get laid? When I was teaching yoga, pretty decent amount. Right.

What's a pretty decent amount? Are we talking about fucking... 60% guys, 40% girls, like... I had like three girlfriends at one point. Wow. We were doing like an open... 70% guys. Jesus.

Look at that. Downward-facing doggy style. Yeah, pretty much. How many of them know you can do accents? That's a callback to the SpongeBob Japanese butt fuck joke. No, that's just how I fuck. I'm like... That's enough.

That's enough. We are here. Sorry. I'm sorry I brought that up again. All right. What do you like to do for fun? You seem like a guy that has some weird hobbies. You into axe throwing or something like that?

No, no. I'm actually really into Muay Thai. That was like my thing, yeah. Really? Can you show us some of your... Can you show us some of your Muay Thai? Come on. Put the mic in the mic stand.

Move it over to John over there. Show us some of this Muay Thai. Here we go. Here he is. Nick DePudja. Oh, shit. All right, all right, all right. How about yoga?

Can you show us your toughest yoga pose? How many of you want to see the most amazing thing you can do in yoga? This guy teaches yoga. I'm interested to see what happens here. That's a strong drum roll. See if I can do it. Here it comes. He's about to do something.

Oh, come on. I could do that. I could do that. I think I could do that. I've been drinking. You could do it. All right. That's fun.

So Nick, how long have you been in Austin? Three months. Three months. What do you love about it? What's your favorite thing about Austin so far? Tacos. Yeah. Crazy, right?

What else? What else other than tacos? Oh, man. It's just such an active community. I can actually go to the park. Everybody's doing yoga and running and shit. Adderall is what he's saying. Everybody's in Adderall.

Everybody's on uppers out here in Austin for some reason. Really? Yeah, it's very, very bizarre. Do you have any other side, you know, what was our man with the six side hustles name again? Yeah, you have any side hustles? You have any side hustles? Side hustles like our friend Andy Harder?

Not really. I mean, like, I used to do some. That was a suspicious answer. Yeah. I don't know if I should get into it. Oh, you have to now. Yeah, you should. That's what's good.

That's what's going to be interesting to the interview or else you just come across as every other yoga instructor we've had on. I mean, it's not really what. So my side hustle was I would take groups of people. I would chop up psychedelics. And I would put them into the chocolates and I would guide them through like a whole yoga thing and I would just break down their body. That was like kind of my thing.

So I would not sell. But you would drug your clients? I feel like that's the kind of experience I'm looking for. I was hired for it. They wanted me to. Oh, they hired you? Okay. Where would you do this at?

Las Vegas. In your apartment? No, just wherever they wanted me to. They kind of knew on the underground I did that. So I would do it. That's a group on activity. If I've ever heard one. Yeah, it's a group.

Wow. For those of you keeping track, 50% of the comedians sell drugs. And all used to date strippers. Yeah. And they're all white dudes. Yeah. Well, Nick, fun times, man. Thanks for coming on this show.

Thank you so much. Say to what you know. Say to what you know. There he goes. Nick Nepudja, everybody. On to the next one. You guys having fun out there? Good crowd.

I knew it right from the get. Riley Gilmore is going to be next dot kill Tony. Pull it out, baby. The great Kaley. Again, you can find her at the Red Rose. Red Rose dot com. Yellow Rose dot com. The band.

She's going to get wet if she. What? Nothing. She has the spray bottle. You really don't have to be discussing every time. Whoa. Look at that. Kaley's getting into it.

Slower. Oh, wow. Red band just came and farted at the same time. Riley Gilmore. Here he is. It's Riley Gilmore. Thank you. Thank you so much.

So I've been dating online. You guys dating online? Yes. Makes sense. No, I just met my girlfriend on 23 and me. And we have a lot in common, actually. So I think it's going well. Thank you.

Speaking of family, I just got into a fight with my aunt. You know, she keeps eating my food, but I keep stepping on her friends. She's an aunt. And a great woman, too. I got these jokes online. No, I'm bad at talking to people. The other day, someone told me they were on the spectrum.

I said, oh, I'm on the AT&T. But, you know, great internet all around. I'm starting a Christian R&B group. It's called Men Into Boys. Thanks. Check us out on Spotify and various porn sites. Thank you. Wow, Riley Gilmore.

What a performance. Incredible. Everybody's bringing the heat today. Thank you. Riley, how long have you been on stand-up porn? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. All of it here in Austin, Texas?

No, I just moved here like a week and a half ago. Sweet. From where? Anyone else would be my friend. North Carolina. Awesome. Raleigh? Yeah, that area.

Okay. Raleigh Durham. Durham? Yep. Thank you. Absolutely. You had great recovery. How North Carolina are you?

What do your parents do? They are... Well, I'm a child of divorce. They're both therapists. Oh, wow. That's got to be super fucking annoying. Riley, why don't you sit down and talk with me about your feelings? And that sucks.

Jesus. I'm going to do comedy instead. Yeah. They wanted me to go into business, but chose this. Wow. My God. So you came here with no buds, you said? No friends?

Well, I have some friends. You guys are my friends. Aw. Wow, this is getting really sad. That's a therapy move right there. Yeah, I'm deflected. When you walk off the stage, they're staying here. You know that, right?

I'll be outside. Come on. Let's go, everybody. Let's get out of here. Me and all my new friends. Oh, it's just me now walking alone. Yeah. No, it's great.

So Riley, do you drive here or do you fly from North Carolina? I drove here. So I drove a Kia Optima. Okay. Okay. All right. Okay. You came solo in the Optima?

Solo in the Optima. I got room for one more though. Oh, still looking for a friend. This guy will never give up. Dude, always swinging. He will never give up. Just him and his blow up doll all the way. All the way.

A lot of guys do stand up to try to get laid. Not this guy. Just looking for a true friend. That's it. Yeah. This guy's looking for someone to just fucking go ride a bird scooter with or something like that. Hey, buddy, want to go all the way down Congress,

ride around the Capitol? 50-50. I love it. Week and a half. What have you done that's fun? I went for a bike ride the other day. That was cool. I don't know.

I've just been doing stand-up. You've got like steel and owl vibes. Owl? Yeah. Do you have pets? No. What? You said he has the energies of an owl?

Like steel and owl. You know what I'm saying? Oh, steel. I feel like it's hard to steal an owl. What? I feel like that's what you say before you do it. You got to take risks. That's what I'm saying.

What kind of risks? You want an owl? What's that? You want an owl? You want to be best friends? It's a real who-done-it. All right. What else about you, Riley?

We've barely even gotten to know you. We're just having so much fun up here. I'll check my blog later for more details. But I'm like 22. I'm just looking to get a job. 22? Yeah. Oh, man.

How would you like to work at Joe Rogan's new comedy club? Oh, that would be great. I don't have any pool there. I just wanted to ask you. I wanted to ask to make sure that you wanted a job there. I'll talk to him. Because 22, with jokes like yours, it seems like that would be a perfect place for you.

That would be good. That would be a lot of fun. It would be. The odds of it happening are almost non-existing. Especially since if I introduced you to Joe, your first words would be, will you be my friend? Let's actually ask him.

We're going to get Joe on the line here. Yeah. We're good friends with Joe Rogan. Joe, do you think we could maybe hire this guy or your new club? It's as hard as possible. Okay. Well, there you go.

That's good news. That's good news. You saw his set. What do you think about his set? Kids' ideas are so stupid. Wow, Joe. Joe. Yeah.

Is there anything you want to specifically ask Joe? Joe, how'd you meet your wife? Floyd White. Jesus Christ. See, this is why it'll never work out for you. Can you imagine that actually being the real first question he asked him? You're supposed to ask for a job, you fucking Nimrod.

I'm playing the long game. How'd you get that person to stay with you? Yeah. Guys like Joe love it when people play the long game. They just don't have enough friends. They keep a bunch of buffoons around for as long as possible. Ask him for a job. Hey, Joe, can I get a job?

Why don't you do it? Okay, yeah. I'll do it good. Hey, Joe, I've seen you around. I like this. Wait, look up. Look up, man. Look up.

Joe, I like your stuff. I like your style. Don't lie to me. I really think we're a good pair. If you ever want to get together and hang out or maybe give me a job. All right. I don't think he wants to listen to this anymore.

Riley Gilmore, any relation to happy? I wish, no. I love it. What's your love life like? Do you ever ask a girl if she wants to be your friend? Sometimes. Once in a while. When's the last time you got laid, Riley?

Like two months ago. Okay. What was that? How did that happen? Well, I met her on 23 and me, so... No, come on. Real life, Riley. No.

I think... I don't remember. I usually have sex with my friends. I know that's not a joke. I'm not trying to be this bit guy. But usually, I become friends with women first and then later on. When you're really asking to be their friend, you're like, can we fuck?

That's what you're really asking. What are you saying? You're their friend first? Are you just saying you don't rape them? No, he's just very shy. He has to become their friend first before he can have sex with them. I think he's got big hands. Do you have any moves?

I'm insecure about that. What's your move to seal the deal? What gets them to go, yeah, let's do this? Usually, aluminum foil. What do you do with the aluminum foil? It just maintains freshness. No, I don't really have a move. I just kind of wait for someone to come to me.

Telling the aluminum foil joke to us. Oh, he's talking about keeping it fresh, right? You said something like that. You said seal the deal, I don't know, sorry. Go seal the deal. That's more of a plastic wrap. One person that loves condiments and shit over here is losing their mind at the tinfoil joke.

They think they're the only one that got it over here somewhere. Tinfoil genius. I would say head off next time, head off. Oh, really? Yeah, let's see that head. Yeah, look at that beautiful head. Yeah, look at that straight out of fucking. Thank you.

What about backwards? Yeah, that's real Virginia. That's what happens if you mush together both of the stars of a star is born. This is what it looks like. Bradley Cooper with Lady Gaga's bad features mixed in. Do you smoke weed? Yeah, yeah, we knew that.

Did you smoke weed on the drive here in your Kia Optima? No, I was too afraid of what? Cops, stuff, and people disapproving of my lifestyle. So you got into comedy instead? No, yeah, I mean, I'm looking for someone to sell me weed. I know you mentioned you found good weed, so. Ask the other comics to write. Wait, I think you just asked me to go on a pot adventure with them after the show.

Yeah, I don't know if you've seen today's show, but we could get you weed, heroin, and mushrooms. Yeah, I know. I booked on that guy's shroom tour after this. I love it. Riley, such an unbelievably great set. You absolutely have to come back and sign up again. Show us a new minute.

Welcome to Austin, buddy. A week and a half in Austin, that's what's happening. Freaks are moving here. Only the best are going to move here. That's the interesting thing to keep an eye on. That's Riley underscore Gilmore. The next comedian will be Yoni. It's going to be Yoni himself.

His second ever set. Best barbecue show. This guy literally is the director of the green room operations here at Kill Tony. A master of hospitality has his own amazing barbecue show called the best barbecue show. He got pulled with a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, it's really him. It's Yoni.

I was hitting on a girl the other day, and she said, I look like I use barbecue sauce as lube. And I was like, well, if you're into that. I got a million views on TikTok last week, which means I'm popular with 10 to 18 year olds. And with this mustache, I really shouldn't be popular with 10 to 18 year olds. But there's a lot of crazy stuff happening. SpaceX has more money than NASA,

which I feel bad. NASA is like the poor space program. I had an idea for him. I was writing him an email. I said, hey, all these famous people are doing merch or making candles. You all should make a candle that's called this is what my black hole smells like. The pandemic just gives me too much time to think. I've been real disappointed in myself.

I'm almost 40 and I'm not married. I don't have kids. I drive the same truck I've driven since 2005. And I keep going to take a dump and I just end up peeing sitting down. Thank you. Is there more to that? Is that it? No, I just end up peeing sitting down.

I love it. I love it. Feels like there's space for more. How about one more time for Yoni? One more time for Yoni. There's space for more. Your second time ever on Kill Tony. You've been doing open mics for a few months now, right?

Yeah. I got a couple dozen under my belt. I love it. It's awesome. You're going a little bit, you know, you're going a little bit fast. That'll probably naturally you're nervous. You're trying to squeeze the classic mistake, trying to squeeze a minute, 15 into a minute. You know what I mean?

There's some fat to be trimmed on this setup for the peeing sitting down thing for sure. You know, the pandemic's happening. I've been really disappointed in myself. I'm 40. I don't have kids. The reason I didn't get it is because there's so much setup. And then in the end, you're like, I pee sitting down. You know what I mean?

Accidentally. Right. So Yoni is one of the few comedians that look like both Mario and Luigi. My jokes. Hand Wario. Ooh, John Dees has that shit on lockdown. The hard left hand. Yoni, have you ever, have you ever done any plumbing?

A little bit. Not much. Wait. Is that what happens? Wait. Jump again. Wait a second. Wait, what else can you do?

Do something else? Do the start. Do the start. You have a start. Wait. What's the, when you get the fireballs, right? When you're running in. This is so stupid.

And people at home cannot see any of this. That's the best part. That's the end of the level. Wait, how about getting a one up? Hold on. What else can you do? Yeah, getting a mushroom and growing into a bigger Yoni. What's the mushroom on?

That means I'm dead. That was good. That was worth it. That was awesome. So Yoni, you're an interesting thing about Yoni. Is this guy, and a big part of the reason how we started working so closely together, is this fucking guy loves food? Yeah.

I mean, this guy is a rolling show on the food network that just lives life like that, 24 hours a day. Who's the lady that you cook with in the morning sometimes? You go to her? Oh, I go to Snow's. Snow's barbecue, Lexington, Texas, Saturdays only. And that lady's been cooking for how long? For decades.

I mean, her whole life. Something wild. Yeah. She had real, like, Mitzi comedy store type of life. She's 85 years old, and she wakes up at midnight every Saturday morning to cook barbecue. Yeah. Incredible. Yoni brought me some on Saturday.

You're talking about something. He's like, hey, want me to bring you some chicken? I'm at this chicken, you know, the place. Yeah, but anytime we've been playing in Texas for like the last, what, two years? Three years? Yeah. He's been bringing us barbecue from different places in Texas. Yeah, you've probably heard through every episode of the show since we moved here to

New York, and he took over for Vito's pizza and in Los Angeles. We've switched from Italian to barbecue full time. We eating good, Tony. Good job. Yeah. Absolutely. What's your nationality, first of all? I'm half Lithuanian, half Israeli.

Oh, there's something there that's funny to play with. My goodness. But you just look Italian so it goes more with your brand? Well, I look Italian in New York. I look Mexican in Texas. Oh, that's great. That's a great joke. The first week I moved here, people just walked up to me and started speaking Spanish.

So I started learning. I love how much more comfortable you are now. It's just flowing out. Look at that. Do you know any Spanish? Could you fire back? Si. Un poquito.

What the fuck does that mean? K-pop. Woo-hoo! What'd you say to me? I love it. Yoni, tell us something else interesting about your life right now. I just got sponsored by a local edible company. Okay.

Wow. I love it. It's called Early Bird CBD. They're the first edibles to have actual THC and I'm legally sold in Texas. Wow. I'm not sure how legal that actually is, but... I got samples. I mean, it doesn't have to say that.

I love it, man. That's so cool. You eat edibles a lot? Yeah. I like these because they're light. You can take one and just chill. You have any crazy edible stories that... Wow, you just saw something right there.

Please elaborate. I went to the creek in the cave. We were hanging out there before it's open. Some of the guys are nice enough to let us party there. Here in Austin. Here in Austin. There's a new club coming and yep. And there was a big bag of sour patch kids on the table.

Oh. And I was like, I love fucking sour patch kids. Of course you do. And so I was eating a bunch of them and then someone was like, whoa, how many of those did you eat? I was like, I don't know, like a couple handfuls. They're like, oh, those are all dosed. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. What happened next? We were just, they had like a microphone set up. I think I did some stand up. Whoa. There was like this girl that gave me a spot and I was so thankful that she probably won't give me another spot because I talked her ear off for like 20 minutes. Right.

Right. And I found it wasn't a girl. It was just a lamp. You know, Tony, that's one thing. We've known him for a while, but have you ever had a female in your, in your life and what, like when was the last girl that you. Yeah. You ever pick up a little fucking piggy at one of those barbecue pits?

All right. Everyone groaned at piggy. I didn't get to finish the barbecue joke. It's made me seem like a real asshole up here. There's a joke about how much barbecue he gets. I'm not calling women pigs. Again. All right.

I only do that in my stand up, not on my podcast that has sponsors. Go ahead, Yoni. You ever pick up a real slob? Yeah. Just throw him over my shoulder, you know, walk him home. Come on, Yoni. Tell us the truth. What's the love life like?

I was dating some single moms. I had some, some, that was my last. Oh hell yeah. They seem like the single mom fucking dragon slayer. Right. Oh yeah. As soon as the kids with the stepdad, it's party time. Oh shit.

All right. I mean, I feel like that's your get or done. These. Yeah. Basically it's party time. We eating good. Would you say about the stepdad as soon as the kids want to stepdad? No.

As soon as the kids with the stepdad, it's party time. What's the longest you ever spent going down on a woman? Good question. Yeah. Probably at least 20 minutes. Whoa. That's it. All right.

That's pretty low actually. I mean, I was expecting a three hour fucking tour from now. I thought you'd go old Gelligan's Island. You got it. You got to build it slow and then. I thought you said you love beef. Yoni. You have any special tricks in the bedroom though and even special barbeque things.

You ever put the fucking trisket in the brisket? You ever put the fucking, the old fucking pit in the shit? You ever do the old, uh, you ever do the old fucking turkey leg? You ever do the old potato salad pussy? Yeah. You ever, I don't know. Cosser potato salad? That would have been good.

I'm just trying to think of barbeque foods. You ever give it the old cream corn? Very funny. You writing it down? Yeah. I'll give you 50 bucks if you actually try that potato salad move. But for real, no. Any special moves?

You keep the suspenders on the whole time? Yeah. You just switch those over to your underwear? Mustache on or off. So I wear the suspenders? Pants come off, suspenders reattached to the underwear. Penis through the dick hole. Very rare.

I could see Yoni being one of these guys. Very rarely does a guy pull the penis through the dick hole to fuck with. But Yoni, anybody that wears suspenders, you have to be suspicious. Most chafed nipples ever. You got bloody nipples, right? All right. One question at a time, I think is good. I got these pants when I got fat over COVID and I lost the weight.

So I just dropped the straps and the whole thing just drops off. Everything goes down. It lets you return them, man, if you want to. Yeah, exactly. Actually, I go to the feed stores and buy Wranglers. Wow. Look at that. All right.

And that's what's up. Yeah. How about a hand for the staff here? Put your hands together for this guy. Are those for us? That's Tommy. He's a little bit shy, I guess. I do have a move.

What? I do the standing up. Oh, I like that move. That's my move. Okay. Yo, standing. Yeah, just lift them right up. Oh, you hold them the whole time.

And then do you bounce with your knees? No, the trick is they put their feet on your calves so you can get a little squat going. Then you're good. Damn. Where do your hands go? Where do your hands go? Do you spread the cheeks open as you do it? He's playing with his suspenders.

A lot of girls. No, the suspenders are gone, bro. Yeah. Suspenders are gone. First thing to go. Tan lines. I thought you kept them on. Remember to take your shirt off and rock the suspenders only?

Yes. Like if you're around the house and stuff, if it's hot, that's a thing guys like you do, right? You're like a real man. Just by the way, by the way, I was at a, I was at a, this is true. I was at a thrift store the other day and I was looking at overalls. But when you're at a thrift store, you know, you have to find your size. So I went to the rack where it was small overalls and there was nothing.

And I asked the guy that works there. I'm like, Hey, do you have any, do you have any, do you have any small overalls? This handed me a, a woman's kitchen apron. Oh, you got to go to the Oshkosh store, man. Wow. Thank you for that. Actual overalls recommendation, red band. After that very clear joke that I tried to squeeze in.

Oh no, dude. Overalls. Oshkosh store. Everyone knows that. You got to go to Bay City Bend for that, man. Yeah. Oshkosh kid. Yeah.

I'm going to be wearing overalls next week. I don't even have it. Hair's on my chest. Anyway, Yoni, so much fun. I thought you got pulled out tonight. He signs up all the time. Follow him at best barbecue. Million views on Tik Tok.

Yeah, we haven't. Let's do a special treat. Martin Phillips is going to be next. If Martin Phillips is in the house, let's get him towards the stage. Come on over here. And then wait one second when you get over there. I'm going to bring you up again. Over there.

Get over there. Kaylee doing the magic. Again, red rose, yellow rose. When you guys come to visit Austin in this big comedy tourism boom that's about to happen, make sure you go visit the red rose or the yellow rose. Don't do cocaine in the bathroom. Anyway, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a legend in the history of the show. We have no regulars here tonight, unfortunately.

The coronavirus has indeed struck some of the parts of Kill Tony, but we do have one big special treat for you. This young man, we discovered him on an episode of Kill Tony in Washington, D.C. A couple of years ago, this guy came on, became an instant legend. It just so happens he's in Austin, Texas tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the comedy stylings of a cold-blooded assassin, Martin Phillips, everybody. Here he is, Martin Phillips. What's up?

I haven't done any live things. I've been doing stuff through Zoom, like comedy and therapy. The only difference between those two is in therapy, all the people are in my head. This person killed their child. That's not the joke, but they found out because they Googled how to kill a baby, which is crazy. You need to Google that, right? That's like the easiest. That's why you can't Google something like that.

You have to Google how to kill a baby theoretically. I saw this guy today, had an Alabama shirt on, and I was like, roll died. And that's the closest I've ever come to saying white power. Wow, Martin Phillips still got it, baby. Perhaps stronger than ever. Wow, this guy has a 1,000% batting average in his history on Kill Tony. I believe it. And he does it all.

Cerebral palsy, Washington, D.C. What brings you to Austin, Texas? Mountain spring break, baby. Hell yeah, spring break, motherfucker. Fuck yeah, dude. Fuck. Yeah. And I start buying a trip like that.

Hell yeah, absolutely. Fuck yeah, they like it when you shake back at them. You know what I mean? It's the experience for both of us. Absolutely. When did you get into town, Martin? This afternoon. I love it.

I love it. You're already up here smashing. How long you in town for it? I'll leave the lake Wednesday afternoon. Okay, quick little trip? Yeah, just quick thing. Hell yeah, I love it, dude. I love it.

And how's life been in D.C.? What's been happening? What's been shaking up there? It's been kind of a crazy year. We've been out a little bit with her. Back at my parents' house. Back to D.C., outside D.C. Okay.

It was rough here. Yeah, certainly. Absolutely. Remind me again. What do you do for work? I'm a substitute teacher. A substitute teacher. Yeah, that's why I'm on spring break.

Yeah. You know. Yeah, school's out, yeah. For what grade? Yeah, what grade? I actually substitute at the middle school. Wow, scary, yeah. Kids are scary.

I love it. You guys don't want it over Zoom or are you? We just got back. It must be weird being a substitute teacher on Zoom, right? Because instead of playing a video, you must just go in and be like, all right, everybody go to YouTube. Play the video yourselves. Yeah, go play the video.

I would play the video. So don't do that. We just went back to work and going to work is overrated. Yeah. Very tool is where it's at. I can just be in my bed and they have all of their work. So I just turn off my camera. It makes more sense, I think.

I think we're learning that shit with meetings. A lot of people have meetings. It's so much better to have meetings from your house and be comfortable. Now, they say it's not good for kids, but you know, fuck kids. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, they need to fucking grow up. Yeah, before I worked out in middle school, I used to get kids

and benefit of the town because some kids arrived, but once I started middle school, I was like, I'll see all these kids can help. It's incredible to me that tonight we've had some real, real talented people up here. And meanwhile, you know, you come and you're fucking jokes and, incredibly enough, with everything you're dealing with, your delivery and your just energy up here,

it is just absolutely incredible. Easy to follow. Thanks. Do you ever want to be a full-time teacher or do you like the substitute life? I try to do the full-time teacher thing, but it's better when you actually want to be. I was like, this sucks.

You actually have to care. You can't say, oh, fuck all you kids. You have to be there for kids. Did they know that you do comedy? Do you ever talk about comedy or something? It was interesting recently. I did post a few clips on TikTok and I got these comments like, hey, I think you substitute at that high school.

Yeah. Yeah. Even kids are like, wait, I fucking really remember this guy. I'm pretty sure. Something sticks out. I'm pretty sure that guy was my substitute teacher. I remember that shirt. It's a hard thing.

I don't know what you're talking about. It wasn't me. It must be a totally different guy. Let me ask you this, Martin. The pandemic's been crazy for everybody. How did you find some relief? What were you doing? Were there any hobbies or any new passions during the thing?

I started playing golf. I'd imagine you didn't do that. I went to the driving range last week. You did? Yeah. I mean, that wasn't good, but my friend, my friend said, my friend will let me play and I can hold this with him. It's going to take like six hours.

It's a patient friend. He said he'd do it. So, holy, we can go this week. I love it. Those videos that you at the driving range must have killed on TikTok. I can't even imagine. I love it.

What else, Martin? Anything else during the pandemic that you did for fun or got into? Not for fun, but this summer I worked for the census. I was a census taker. Oh, wow. I mean, I know I've always avoided census people when they answer the door,

but if you came walking up to my place, I would just every fucking lock the chain, like, nobody's home. Nobody on the other side of this door. That's honestly the job. They know and ever answers the door. They're so nice. They just see you coming up.

Hey! I just want to make sure you listen. I was happy with that. I was like, hey, I don't want to talk to you either. Like, fuck it, right? He just sees the people through the window like waiting for him to leave. So that's just one person that lives here?

Can you just show me with your fingers? That's hilarious, man. Yeah, that baby joke is solid. Good joke. What do your folks do? My dad was in the airport. He's retired. Yeah, I was like that guy.

That's my dad. You can say a contractor. My mom's actually a history professor at college. Okay. Super cool, man. So, you know, they're pretty pumped. How old are you, Mark? Actually, the summer actually turned 30.

30 years old. 30, 30. And you got off an airplane today in Austin, Texas. Yeah, it was actually from my 30th birthday. I jumped out of the airplane. Really? You did? Yeah, I did.

Oh, my goodness. So that's how you got the cerebral palsy, huh? From the plane. It was a rough landing. You know, a rough landing. Rough landing, bro. Rough landing indeed. Oh, my God.

That parachute must have been like, you've got to be fucking kidding me, bro. You're on your own, buddy. Did you say anything when you jumped out of the plane? Because that's like a scary moment, right? Yeah, I don't think any quick drone was scary enough. I was just like, went with it. Did you pay for the video of yourself?

I got the video. Yeah, it was pretty cool. Oh, yeah. Oh, big spender. Those are pricy. It was my birthday, you know. Oh, yeah, yeah. You got to spend big on your birthday.

Oh, you probably had someone connected to you, right? Yeah, I didn't do it. Yeah, yeah. You have to jump. That fucking guy earned his money that day, huh? Can you imagine that? Pissed shit all over you. Just like, hey, I'm next.

The funny thing is, the guy they paired me with is like, flight jumps, dude. It's that like, autism speaks. And I was like, OK, I understand why we're a pair together. That's fucking perfect. That's good. I love it. Fun to dive with a dude's boner on your back, huh?

Yeah. Yeah. That's how that happens, yeah. I love it. Yeah. Well, man, I mean, like I said, it's so fucking cool. I love that you're in Austin, Texas. Come back any time.

Let us know when you're coming, and we'll throw you up. And move here. Yeah, I'll see you again. I'm sure what I can do. Yeah, man. Yeah, anything else? Anything else you want to plug or say or anything? I don't mind.

The same thing, flying Marty with two Ys. Flying Marty with two Rs. Two Ys. Two Ys. Two Ys. Two Ys. Flying Marty Y. Double Y, Marty, double Y.

Wow. I think you actually just lost followers by... Fly with two Ys, and then Marty with two Ys. All one word. All one word. There you go. I love it. Was it when you were deciding your screen name?

Was it the cerebral palsy that did that? Or were you like, I fucked up? I really wanted Fly Marty. Yeah. Fly Marty Fly. Fluent today. Came up and destroyed on the show. Martin Phillips, everybody.

Batting 1,000%. Yeah. Yeah, let's do that. We haven't had a lady up here tonight. Should I pull in the bucket so we find a lady, huh? Hell yeah. Thank you, Kaylee. Absolutely.

All right. Let's see what happens. Well, there we go. This bucket is so funny. First one pulled is a lady. Ladies and gentlemen, it is time for Emma Estrada. Emma Estrada is next. On Kill Tony.

Live from Austin, Texas. A lot of fun stuff happening here. Yes. Get up for the band. Remember how I talked about the night sweats last week? Yeah. This isn't a paid ad, but I tried a new mattress called Eight Sleep. Do you know about this?

No. It's like a Tesla for mattresses. All right. Here she is. Emma Estrada, everybody. Emma Estrada. One more time for Emma, everybody. Come on.

That wasn't a burp. I love Latinos. Half of my family is obese. Latinos are great. I love their parties. They have really fun food and dancing and old men check out your ass. Everything you can want in a party. I ran here.

I was a mile away. I love Latinos. You know, the woman they say to me, do you have any kids? Do you have a husband? And I say, no, I don't make mistakes. And then they show me their young man of the group. And then I say, oh, you're my cousin. And then we had sex.

He wants to be a firefighter. Wow. Another very, very strong performance. Emma Estrada, welcome to the show. How long have you been on stand-up comedy? I've been doing comedy since high school. It's in my blood, but I started doing stand-up last year. Okay.

When you say it's in your blood, what do you mean exactly? Well, I'm Jewish and we're very neurotic. Yeah, you have the look on your face like you just found out you were going to be strapped to Marty jumping out of the plane. Yeah. 9-11, yeah. Yeah, you're actually the first person who's made eye contact with me here up here, so that's cool. A little bit too much eye contact. You're up to the audience.

So Emma, that's so fun. So you've been doing stand-up for a year. What do you do for a living? Well, you know, I do a lot of temporary work, so I'm a substitute teacher right now. Oh, really? Yeah. Wow. Look at this.

The market for substitute teaching is wild right now. Yeah. You have any, what's your move? Like you play videos too? Is that your thing? Like a video day? Like play TV shows for the kids? Yeah.

Educational videos? Oh, I don't do shit. I just stand outside the room. Okay. Yeah. How'd you get the job? I showed my boobs. No, I actually, I applied for the school education and it's like a temp agency for substitute teachers.

Oh, cool. That's a very honest answer you just gave. So you're talking about like kinder care or like an elementary school or middle? These kids were 10 to 12th grade. Okay. So grown-ups. Yeah. Yes.

High school. Like not legal, but you know, they're cute. What else are you into, Emma? They're hot. What else are you into? What do you do for fun? I'm a dancer. I love to dance.

Really? What kind of dancing? Contemporary hip-hop jazz. Okay. Not that. What kind of contemporary? You guys have any contemporary hip-hop that you could muster up real quick? I don't even know what that means.

And I think that's what Jewish people call rap music. It is. I can confirm it. I'm into contemporary hip-hop. Play some of that Macklemore. Ooh. Oh. I can't tell whether she's dancing or doing her impression of Martin Phillips, but...

Very jolty and jittery. A lot of abrupt movements there. Are you suggesting a dance battle? Between her and Martin Phillips? Or you? What are you suggesting? No. Her and Martin.

Her and me. What's in the backpack, by the way? You have to have a backpack when you're a female comic. An empty water bottle? Okay. Definitely Jewish. She's refilling that thing, for sure. A book?

Mixed media book, yeah. Mixed media. Definitely Jewish. There you go. Really good. She horned that one in there. She's got a gun. You wanted me to say?

Okay. And a cassette tape? What is that last thing there? It's gum. Oh, gum. That's a lot of gum. Yeah. Oh, that's like a blockbuster video.

Yeah. The last blockbuster of gum. She just pulls out a roll of paper towel. Red Band gave me this in case... Oh, whole cashews. Granola? Absolutely. So wait, what's the...

So you're Jewish and Spanish. That's the mix? That's a good mix. Oh, that's a good mix. Watermelon and Palestinian. Okay. And like, how good was your cousin in bed? I was better.

You have a very active sex life, would you say, Emma? Yeah. Why is that? What are you into? Just like sex. What's your favorite type of guy? What are you into? You have more...

Just like hot. And like funny and like just, you know, nice and not rapey would be great. Well, good luck in Texas. Yeah. That's fun. One year she's been doing stand-up. And you live here in Austin? Is that right?

I live in Los Angeles. Okay. What brings you out here? Austin's open. How long have you been here? I've been here a couple of days. How long are you staying for? I'm staying until April 3rd, Saturday, April 3rd.

There you go. Would you like to do five minutes a Thursday at the book and... Wow. Look at that. There's two ways to get spots on this show. Either you do really good or you are a female that is sexually active and red band books you right away. That's how I got here.

Look at that. All I have to do is be nice and funny. No, honestly, if I can be honest for a second, like Jade asked me earlier. Why is there no females on the show? There's not many females that sign up here in Austin. This is true. And there are few females we have. You know, it's like their first time or second time.

But you seem very unique and very funny. I would love to see what you've got. You've got to give them a chance, man. There you go. Thank you. Look at that. The water bottle filleth over. One more time for her.

It's Emma Estrada, everybody. She's on social media at the Emma Estrada. You guys think we should squeeze one more out of this, huh? All right. Let's do it. One more comedian. Then we're going to call it. Yeah.

All right. Okay. Ben Nielsen is going to close it out. Ben Nielsen. So we'll see what happens here. It takes a little while to get to this stage. Huh? Oh.

Slower. I love it. I'm a professional. One more time for Kaylee from the Red Rose. Sometimes at the Yellow Rose. Best strip clubs in Austin, Texas. No doubt about it. Best strip clubs.

You got a Ben Nielsen coming towards you, Hank. All right. It's about to happen. This is it. Your final comedian of the night. Did you guys have fun tonight? Here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Nielsen, everybody.

What's up, Austin? So I'm from Orlando where the mouse wants your money. So be careful. I've been in Austin for like two days now and I like where we can go eat and like fields where there's just a bunch of like metal walls around us. It feels like I'm eating in junkyards with food trucks everywhere. So upstairs I said nobody bombed tonight. So it feels good to let it off.

You know what I mean? But yeah, we out here. I came from Orlando. It's my fucking birthday. And if that's the only laugh I get, then goddamn right. I got purple shoes on and I feel like Austin, Texas is the place to wear them. So thanks for having me. I'm keeping it fucking weird.

And the best part about tonight is this goddamn moment right now. I have no jokes and I hope there's a cat. Hey, goddamn right. Thank you. I'm Ben Nielsen. There he is. Ben Nielsen, everybody. I think we finally found a friend for Leo Kanopka.

Leo! What's up, bro? How are you, Ben? I'm good. I'm really good. What are you on right now? Love. I took some mushrooms earlier.

Okay. Boy, that took a turn. I bought them from the second comedian. Okay. There you go. We have now just witnessed a felony. Everybody. That's exciting.

It's a misdemeanor in Texas. I looked it up. Most people rat out the dealer after they get arrested. Not this guy. I bought them in the second guy. He made me buy them. He told me I had to. I love it.

So welcome. It's your birthday. I'm from Gilligan's Island to be here. Thank you. I made that joke last night. I love it. How old are you? I'm 30.

Happy 30th birthday. Thank you. This is your first time attempting some form of stand-up comedy? Yes. But I get a performer vibe from you. I'm a rapper slash poet. Really? Can we hear a little bit of a, can we get a beer?

Can I go acapella? You want to go straight acapella? I do, I do, I do. Okay. Fine. Spontaneous. A hit of angel dust. You're outrageous.

But you can't outrage us. And brother banged the bus. And I met that girl on a party bus. Did it tell her my name? Because she heard of us. Smoking blunts is a must. If you want cunts to lust. But notice I said you.

Because I don't fuck with sluts. I'm a gentleman. Telling lies again. I'm a motherfucking hypocrite. But no time to mend. Yup, that's just Ben. I got some fucks for friends. But I know I got my back until the very end.

And let me begin where you fell off. Because that girl's on my dick. Even though it's soft to wait for my rancher. Get your salad tossed. Jesus, Ben. Wow. You should have asked for the band. You should have asked for the band, man.

Yeah, you should have. It's always good. I should have asked for the band. And let's do it again. No. Oh, it's over. It's over. It's over.

No. No, Ben. No. I bet that shit kills in Orlando, though. Always. Next to the mouse, bro. That's Florida shit. It is.

It is Florida shit. The crocodiles go crazy for that. Goddamn right. Standing on a question mark. No gators. Guys in their 60s love you, yeah? Yeah. Yeah.

And their wives. Oh, shit. There we go. Go on. And some swinger shit going on in Orlando. Really? I was at a club once. And the guy next to me, his wife had huge fake titties.

And some other guy, like my age, was next to her. And I said, what's up? And she goes, this is my husband. And this is my boyfriend. And then the husband looked at me. He goes, you want to see your titties? And this lady in the middle of the club showed me her tits. Wow.

Show me the face you made. And did the boyfriend punch you after that for looking at his girlfriend's tits? No. They invited me over. Oh, you were part of the thing? No. I went home and smoked weed.

No. Come on. What really happened? What really happened is I went home and smoked weed. Come on. You cucked that, man. I wish. Fuck, man.

You do wish. Yeah. Yeah, why not? When those things, are you a risk taker? Yes. I'm here. Yeah. This was a fucking risk tonight.

I'm not funny. I have no jokes. I don't know. I wrote so many jokes, too. And then I got to Austin. I'm like, these are not going to work. I don't think signing up for this show is really a risk. We were just talking with a guy that jumped out of a plane

that has cerebral palsy. Yeah. So that's where the bar has been set for the night. The bar is super high. So you thought the jokes were not good enough? You're right. Fuck it. Yeah.

I'll just get on here and talk about what I saw in Austin. Absolutely. And it was a bunch of, thanks for your band. Absolutely. I love it. So what do you do for work in Orlando? I'm a logistics manager in a warehouse. Oh shit.

OK. Amazon? No. I work for a cabinet company. What? But I've been doing a cabinet. OK. Yeah.

I like modern family. Yeah, sure. We install cabinets and... Cabinets. Cabinets. OK. Or windows. It's a lot of home improvement shit.

OK. Yeah. All right. How about for fun? What are some other things other than contemporary hip hop and poetry? I started a live podcast at a nightclub in Orlando. They do house music every Wednesday.

And we just sit in the back of the club and do a live podcast, talk to the patrons. Wait. You do a live podcast while there's an actual nightclub happening in the same room? Yeah. But the people, hey, the people we meet... I love that people complain about our audio.

Can you imagine what that must sound like? It's not, I don't post it live. I edit it in two days and then post it later. So it's a lie. So I'm allowed to... But it's live to where people come and sit down. I interview the patrons of the club and just hang out. That's a good idea.

Yeah. I mean, other than that, I'm fucking chilling, man. I rap. I work. I'm trying to... What stresses you out? I feel like you're very even-keeled. I'm chilling.

Yeah. If you found out some bad news tonight, I feel like you'd be like, that's cool, man. I'll just look at some titties and then it goes most of the way. Yeah. Nothing really bothers me too much. What kind of car do you drive? I drive a Mazda 3.

Of course. Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. Hey, fuck you and your O. Where do you people live in Austin? You guys all take Ubers here. Did you just do all the crowd work at once? Who drives?

Yeah, all of them. Where do you all live in Austin? Every single one of them. Where are all the houses? I've been here for three days and... I love it. Yeah, we're here. We're here.

We're here. Finding his way around Austin. When he's not fear and loathing in Las Vegas, he's looking for real estate. Fear and loathing in Austin, Texas. I love it. So Ben, how much longer are you in town for? Still tomorrow morning. We're going out tonight and then we're going back to the window.

Oh, are you going tonight? I don't know yet. There's a Russian place... Come on, tell me. I want to know which place to definitely not go to. Right next door. Perfect. Yeah, don't go next door and don't go to 36, apparently.

My buddy got abducted by the mafia last night. Oh, no, your buddy did drugs. Yeah, yeah, he got abducted by the Mexican cartel on 36. No, he didn't. He tried crack for the first time and then made an excuse. I am my buddy. Ben, fun times. Thank you guys so much.

It took an entire... All the way to the end for us to find someone to truly struggle on stage tonight. Yeah. And you did it for us. People love it. Oh, yeah. Thank you guys. Yeah, I do have one.

Wait, you did write jokes? He said you wrote a bunch of jokes. Can you do one of them? You guys want to hear one of his jokes? Come on, right? Hold on. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. He's looking up memes right now. He's looking up all of memes. Hold on. It's right here. And it can't be one you heard tonight. Also, I'd love to take the time to ask if any of the girls here have a tampon. I actually...

Hey, get some paper towels from the bathroom. All right. I guess... Let's give it up for LSD. Man, I love acid. I took acid with this girl once. She's sitting on my lap and all of a sudden I feel this energy exchange is starting in my chest and moved down to my stomach and it ended at the tip of my penis like our

soul's connected. I fucking blacked out in tie-dye. It was amazing. Turns out you just farted on me. What? All right. Don't do any jokes. Don't ever do a joke again.

I have no more jokes, Adam Bray. I'm sorry. Make some noise if you want Ben to retire from stand-up comedy. Thank you. There you go. There he goes. Ben Nielsen, everybody. One more time for Ben.

There he goes. Good night, Ben. It's a fool on social media. That's on me. That's good. He worked out perfectly. He wore these cool purple shoes. He did a leg kick.

I was like, there's got to be something. That's on me. We love you, buddy. How about a big hand for our guest tonight, Adam Bray, about last night's podcast. He's on the new show, The Young Rock. Jade Catapretta, new podcast. Jade is available everywhere. You can follow it on social media at Jade's podcast.

Of course, the host of The Soup on the E Network. How about a big hand for the band, everybody? John D is on the keys tonight. He's on social media at J-O-N-K-E-Y-Z. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. He's Mike Agon's 13. At Matt Mueling, or Matt Mueling is at Mutation, M-U-E-H-T-A-T-I-O-N. And D Madness on the bass.

All right. Follow him at Lorenzo Dwayne Jackson. Big shout out to Fix Vodka for sponsoring the band. Unbelievably delicious high alkaline vodka. If you're going to drink, you might as well drink healthy. Drink smart. Fix Vodka. Yellow Rose and Red Rose.

How about one more hand for Kaylee helping us out for the first time ever. Very fun stuff. The best strip clubs in the city. And yeah, we're checking in with a drawing from Ryan J. Ebel. Absolutely incredible. That's Adam Ray. That's Jake Catapretta. That's me.

That's Red Band. Mind blown. RyanJEbel.com for all those prints, including the brand new Kill Tony 500 poster. Selling like hotcakes everywhere. The new Kill Tony coloring book. So much fun stuff happening. And yeah, every week it feels more and more like home in Austin, Texas here. I think we're having a lot of fun.

Red Band. And don't forget, every week we have a show at Vulcan. As you see, two of the people are going to be on the show. We have a lot of surprise guests every week. Vulcan Gas Company. Thanks a lot guys. The secret show at Vulcan. Live audience, you're the ones that make this a whole different ballgame.

So we appreciate you guys coming out. We just got word that they're adding four more tables here for next week's show. So it's going to get a little bit more wild, a little bit more fun. And yeah, thank you guys so much for coming out. Good night everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you.