KILL TONY - #576 - JOSH WOLF + MIKE FEENEY

Episode Date: September 27, 2022

Josh Wolf, Mike Feeney, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Hans Kim, Matthew Muehling, John Deas, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jules Durel, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/12/2022–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.

Hey this is Red Band and you are listening to Kill Tony. Check out our website DeathSquad.tv. There you have every past episode of Kill Tony, including video portions of the show. And if you click on tour dates and come see us live, every Monday we're at the Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas, but we're always on the road and we always have comedy shows. Awesome. So go to DeathSquad.tv and click on tour dates. Our website for all the merchandise is ShopSquad.tv. There you have the Kill Tony shirt, DeathSquad shirts, hats, everything at ShopSquad.tv. Ryan J. Ebel, he is the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints of all the drawings he does and we have the Kill Tony book and a bunch

of stuff. Go to RyanJEbel.com and last but not least TonyHinchCliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Who's ready to have a great fucking night tonight, huh? EBA, it's Red Band everybody. Come on, make some noise for Brian Red Band. We've been working together a long time. This is Kill Tony, sponsored by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose Austin Zone and amazing Deep Eddie Vodka, literally the best vodka on planet Earth. Also made here in Austin, Texas. How about a hand for the goddamn band, huh? Are we doing this shit? People visiting from all around the world get to see some of the best goddamn

music here in the live music capital of the world and we are blessed with a great D-Madness here on Bass Guitar. Matt Mueling on the electric, Paul Deemer on the horns and Michael Gonzalez on the drums. We're going to have a lot of fun tonight. It's going to be an exciting one. That is the screwball peanut butter whiskey band. If you ever enjoy whiskey, why not try some peanut butter whiskey? Screwball peanut butter whiskey. The officials. You did? You liked it? Did you know what you were drinking before you... You're like, goddamn it, I want a shot of Jack Daniels. I love it. Okay, fuck yeah. It's just a random guy up there talking, everybody. So there we go. That's good. Thank you. Before we start

tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all. You might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional standup comedian and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. September 29th through October 1st, Nashville, Tennessee. October 11th and 12th, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. October 14th and 15th, I am in Boston, Massachusetts. November 4th and 5th, New York, New York. December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. And February 9th and 10th of 2023,

I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at TonyHinchCliff.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus. Go to the website now. Get tickets while you still can. Hey, you hear that noise? You know what it means. It's time to gear up for fall with Be Spoke Post and their new seasonal lineup of must-have box of awesome collections. Be Spoke Post partners with small businesses and emerging brands to bring you the most unique goods every month. We've gotten some awesome stuff. Literally, my favorite travel bag is from Box of Awesome. You never know what you're going to get, but no matter what you have going on this season, Box of Awesome has you covered from camping gear essentials to travel must-haves and autumn cocktail kits. Box of

Awesome has everything you need for fall. Literally, my favorite bag, my favorite knife at my house. Red Band, you got some cool stuff lately too, right? Oh, I just got this amazing cocktail aging kit. It comes with all the ways that make your whiskey even taste better. And it's easy because to get started, you just take a quiz at boxofawesome.com and your answers will help them pick the right box of awesome for you. They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. Each box is valued at around $70, but you only pay a fraction of that price. Plus, with each box of awesome, you're supporting a small business. 90% of everything that comes in your box of awesome is from a small up and coming brand. It's free to sign up and you can skip a month

or cancel anytime. I love it and you will too. Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code killtony at checkout. That's boxofawesome.com, code killtony for 20% off your first box. Boxofawesome.com, code killtony. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Austin, I'm telling you, you got to do a little bit better than that. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? It is a goddamn pleasure for me to introduce your guests every single week. I always have two of the funniest human beings on earth. This week is no different and it's two new guests to Austin Kiltony, two guys that have done this show before in LA, in New York, all around the country. Makes the noise for two of my favorite

guests, two of my favorite comedians. It's Mike Feeney and Joss Wolfe, everybody. Mike Feeney and Joss Wolfe. Yeah, absolutely. Joss Wolfe, Mike Feeney. Yeah. Boom, two of my favorites. Hello gentlemen. What's up, man? How are you guys? You know how I am. You're doing great. Josh ate what appeared to be a fucking happy meal of mushrooms in the green room tonight. So a fistful, you know, anything could happen. Yeah, he's like 75 years old. He looks like he's 24 and he lives like he's 17. It's incredible. It's the fountain of youth. It's mushrooms and edibles. Yeah, you know, I'm really excited to like you guys will see when the mushrooms hit. He'll be looking special. Yeah, I'll be like, yeah. Mike Feeney.

Tough, buddy. Here, him and I often were at the same auditions for a ventriloquist dummy when we were in show business together. And here we are now. We sit on a good lap, pal, you know. That's right. You and me both. Welcome back to the show. You guys know how it works. You guys, of course, have your own very popular podcast. Here's the scenario. Mike Feeney with your friend in Sagalow and Mike Cannon. That's right. And Josh Wolff has the amazing show Hey Man with his son, Jacob Wolff. That's right. Josh and Jacob Wolff. The Wolffs. And you guys have been guests on this show before. Some of you in the audience might be new to this chaos. On this show, a comedian comes up and they do 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring

out the angry West Hollywood bear, which is essentially just a really loud sound that cuts. The stage shook. That scared the fuck out of me. There's going to be a lot of that tonight. Oh my god. I fucking clutch the pearls right away. Did you see me? They just installed subwoofers underneath the stage also. Yeah, the stage does growl with the West Hollywood bear now. I think they've kicked in by the way. So we're going to have fun. I interviewed them after their 60 seconds. A bunch of them signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds on this stage. I interviewed them find out more about their life after their short standup set. And there's also three regulars. The right and perform a brand new minute every single week. Not an easy job at all. We have seen them go from, for example, your first comedian was living in his van a year ago. And now he opens up in the

round in the middle of arenas with me and Joe Rogan. He's doing the London O2 arena. We just found out. On October 22nd, living in his van a year ago. Ladies and gentlemen, doing your first minute tonight. This is Hans Kim. What the fuck is up, Austin? It's good to be here. A year ago, I was living in my van eating ramen and now I'm a regular on Kill Tony wearing Balenci August. Hell yeah. If you have the chance to suck Tony Hitchcliffe's dick, I highly recommend it. The great boyfriend. I am not a racist at all. It's so crazy how not racist I am that I do the opposite of thinking all black people look the same. I confuse one black person for multiple black people. I used to think there was a crime problem in the African-American community. Turns out it was just Jomarcus. He hates me. Thank you. Hans Kim. Making it look easy. Coming in, getting the party started week after week after week. One of the hardest things to possibly do is a brand new

minute of material and you pulled it off again. Thank you, Tony. How come I don't remember this dick sucking that I supposedly got? You're really high on mushrooms. Oh, okay. All right, well. Do you have your Iron Man snow shoes on? Put the fucker on. Those are insane. Is it called Balenci August? You're sucking the wrong dick if those are the Balenci Augusts you got. Who's dick do I have to suck to get better shoes? That's a Balenci August. Where did you get those? From the famous Danny Brown. Whoa. So you sucked his dick. How did you get those from Danny Brown? How did that go down? Explain to us what happened where Danny Brown gave you. Do you know how much those are worth? $1,200. $600 per shoe, which is about $580 more than you've ever spent on a pair of shoes. It's about $580 more than the rest of your outfit. That is a Walmart special with Balenci August about to sit out. That is definitely guy who was homeless a year ago energy right there. Can I ask you a question? Did you have those jeans balled up in the shoes when you still come out? God, Sam, I don't know if they're wrinkled. It's just one giant wrinkle is all it is. It's not even... It really is. Those are not the mushrooms. That's very wrinkly. You're like, is his shirt breathing? Where did you get that soccer jersey? What is that?

My parents gifted it to me during the 2006 World Cups. Oh, back when you had the respect of your parents. 2006. Do you stay in touch with them? Not really. What's their story? They're not proud of you? Do they know what you're up to? I guess so. They're just being Asian in San Francisco. Right. That's why I ask. I know what that's like. Do you communicate? When's the last time you talked to mom and dad? Probably like a month ago. Okay. What is a call like that? Explain to us what it's like. Explain to these normies and these Saudi Arabian cowboys in the audience.

Explain to them what it's like having Asian parents in San Francisco. It's very fraught with difficulties. They're very shrewd and they're very cunning. What the fuck are you doing? You have cunning parents, huh? Your parents are super villains. They're cunning. They're super Asian. What do you mean by super Asian? Break that down for us because we don't know. Well, he already said cunning. I feel super Asian. It is fraught with difficulties. What kind of super Asian? Describe to us what super Asian is. You can say it. We're not allowed to. We want to hear it from you.

I mean, you can. I mean, he has. Only like once a year. You know what I mean? And I'm still holding that card deep in my pocket right now. What's super Asian to you? They're very practical. When we talk, it's all about information exchange. It's not about emotional exchange. So give us an example of exactly what you mean by that. What kind of information is being exchanged? This is good. We've had you on the show a long time and we're getting to really get in on the psychology of Hans Kim. Well, I haven't talked to them in a while, but when I do talk to them, it's like, I'm doing good. I'm not suffering. Who the fuck talks to their parents like that? Things are going well. I am not suffering.

But Hans, life is suffering. Oh, my God. So when you say you're not suffering, do you mention that you're performing in arenas, jetting around the globe at the biggest, best places that 99.9% of comedians never get to perform in? That's true. Do you mention? Because like they might, they might appreciate a statistic like that. He's like, you know, it never came up. You know, I just said not suffering and ended it there. I figured they'd get it from there.

Why tell them I'm thriving when I could just say not suffering? Why would I want them to sleep well at night? I don't want to brag, you know. So when you talk to them, do you talk about everything everywhere all at once? Thank you. That was hard to not stutter on that. That's a tough one. It's a real rush hour. That's just an Asian movie. That didn't even make sense in the context of how you said it. It didn't make sense at all.

Are we just going to list Asian movies now? Jackie Chan. By the way, I have to ask you a question I've always wanted to ask you. Are you the only Asian dude named Hans? There's a couple of us out there. You've met them? I've Facebooked them. Smallest Facebook group ever.

Four dudes. Most of them are German. Yeah. Yeah, German Asian. Yeah. Right. Yeah. They hate Jews more than I do.

Okie dokie. Just some natural racism there. Just let it flow out of you. Well, I mean, in absolutely unbelievable minute, you did it again. Another incredibly new, intriguing, valuable information about your life during the interview. You are one of the all-time greats on this show. I adore you. You killed all weekend with me in West Palm Beach.

I swear to God, he's the best fucking stand-up comedy show opener in the world right now. It's Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you. Doing it. Living the goddamn dream. Working on jokes all day. The man has a spreadsheet on his phone that he stares at all day. Moving jokes around, adjusting them.

Free. All right. Now, now is a part where, just to remind you, this is not Hans Kim. I just pulled the name out of the bucket and it could be anybody. It could be somebody's first time. It could be a local veteran that's waited forever to come to the show to try to make it and get gigs and work out of his performance here tonight. Anything can happen right now. Your first bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Ciccio Mantis.

Ciccio Mantis. Ciccio. Ciccio Mantis. There he is. It's Ciccio, everybody. Come on, everybody, one time for Ciccio. Come on. So there's this fuck boy from my hometown who thinks he's a tattoo artist now.

And he knocked up this chick and all of a sudden, they're in love. And just to prove it, he tattooed Amore across her pregnant belly. And posted a pic on the gram. The comments are all heart eyes, fire, bro, flames, bro, keep up the great work. And then there's this one that says, an armoire is a piece of furniture. You fucking idiot. He really spelled it armoire. This poor bitch is now a walking advertisement for Ikea.

And I guess that's what happens when you've furnished inside. He designed the baby shower invitation and he wrote, bye bye baby. B-Y-E, B-Y-E. He's not sticking around. Okay, Ciccio Mantis. Welcome to the show, Ciccio. How are you? Thank you. Great. How are you? How's it going? How long have you been on stand up?

This is my first time ever. I love it. Look at that. It's all happening. Ciccio Mantis. How old are you, Ciccio? 29. 29. Where are you from? New York. New York, New York. And you came here to start.

What made you come to Austin, Texas? Just wanted to see what it's all about. Everyone's talking about the comedy scene. I'm a huge comedy fan. How long have you been here? Just since Saturday. We flew in. Wow. You flew in Saturday. So what did you do yesterday? Anything yesterday? Yeah, we hung out on a lot of picnic tables and backyards and fucking murky ponds with leeches and shit.

Yeah, that's what everybody did yesterday. That's your crown jewel, I guess. I love it. Absolutely. Did you hear any live music or any comedy? So the best live music so far has been this and fucking people singing happy birthday to Melissa on the duck bus. Okay. Happy birthday to Melissa on the duck bus. Who the fuck is Melissa? We have no idea. It's his first time.

I thought I missed that part of the show. Did I miss that part? This fucking is how there's no Melissa. I was like... You didn't hear his Melissa story? It's literally all we've been talking about. I really thought I had been gone for a while. I'm like, oh no. Oh my God. Amazingly hilarious.

Chicho, let's talk about it. You're from New York. You're obviously a proud lesbian. I do drive a Subaru. Oh my God. Are those all the condiments you put on pussy before you eat it? That's effective birth control. I learned from Drake. What? I said that's effective birth control. Drake did that. Okay. All right. Not as easy as you thought it would be.

Not as easy as you thought it would be. I never thought it would be easy. No, I know. Chicho, what do you do for work? You're 29, you're from New York, you live in New York, both of them, right? Yeah, right outside the sea, like 20 minutes north, but I'm an HR manager. Wow. That's true. Okay. Hey, can I ask one question though? How come you had to bring a notebook up?

You just told one story. I've never done this before. What does it say in the notebook? Does it say that story, like word for word? No, it's got some notes from some meeting that I had at work. I guess someone's salary. I don't know, it just made me know I'm more comfortable. Yeah, if this wasn't your first time, I would have trashed you pretty hard for bringing up a notebook for a one minute. Yeah.

You know? I mean, it's still unbelievable that you did it. And then at one point it was like flipping through, like, and then... Yeah, let me see what the... Fucking diagram. Sorry, my handwriting's invisible. I showed him in a doctor. You have some fake flipping. You're like a newscaster or something like that.

I've never seen anything like that in the history of the show. I think for your first time, that was great though, man. I think you have good instincts, much better instincts than your shirt size. Yeah. It's entirely too tight. But I don't know, man, first time in front of all these people, it's fucking terrifying. Yeah, absolutely incredible. Yeah, dude, and also stage presence.

For the first time, dude, really good, man. Yeah. Really good. Just move it out of the way. I almost did it for you. Oh. But you don't want to stand in front of you. Just move it out of the way.

Or keep it in the mic stand. Alright. Josh thinks that's a dandelion right now, so... He's like, you don't need that dandelion in front of you during your comedy set. He tried to blow off the pedals. Yes. Okay, so Cheecho... I fucking forgot there was a trumpet back there.

That part? That guitar sounds weird. Oh my goodness. Cheecho, you are a likeable guy. You do seem comfortable on stage. Do you have like a theater background or something like that? No, I'm in a couple bands. I play drums.

Really? You play drums? Whoa. Well, I mean... It's been a while since we've done this, but you guys think we should have a... Hey. You guys think we should have perhaps a Mexican drama of here tonight? Hey, Tony.

Alright, well, I don't know if you guys know how this works. Josh, you're about to have the time of your life. Tony, I don't think art should be a competition. I just want an opportunity to jam with the band. Dude, Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Wait a minute. Take your whole move.

Take your New York liberal faggy bullshit back with you. Oh my God. I don't think art should be a competition. Anyway, thanks for pulling my name out of that bucket. Jesus Christ. Virtue signaling on this show. How dare you, sir? Or ma'am or whatever the fuck you are.

Anyway, in the history of the show, we do a thing called a Mexican drum off. We're potentially someone who challenges... If a comedian does a minute and knows how to play the drums, they get to have a drum solo competition with the resident drummer of the show. And if they win, they literally become the full-time drummer of the show. He has an opportunity here, here on this show. He has an opportunity, his first time ever doing comedy, to be a full-time member of a comedy show.

He could win this right now. What a big dick move that is, too, for you to just be like, here, take the sticks, do your fucking best. Yeah, exactly. Because here's the thing you guys might not know. Is that, believe it or not, the resident drummer all time is completely undefeated. Joel Jimenez left undefeated, I believe 64 and 0. Michael Gonzalez, I believe currently at like 8 and 0, something like that.

So you have your work cut out for you. He's already given some excuses. Maybe you've heard the classics. Like, I don't think art should be a competition. And my shirt's too tight to play drums. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo, going first tonight. This is a Mexican drummer from Chichomantis. Wow!

Some of the crowd is on their feet. Oh my goodness, the gay man stood up, everybody. The gay man, he's got the gay vote. Dude, what's crazy about that? Absolutely unbelievable. I do believe we watched him get better throughout that drum solo. Yes, he dropped it. Oh, weird, yeah.

He lost the drumstick, like, right out of the gate and somehow fucking caught it. And knocked over the snare six times and still never broke the mic. Dude, he's a toothpick. We just literally, we literally just watched him go from not knowing how to drum. Dude, right now he slightly has a chance of winning this fucking thing. By the way, did everybody else see how good his titties looked when he was drumming? I take back what I said about this shirt. They are fully supported.

I wasn't looking. Well, if you love the way his tits bounce, wait till you see Michael Gonzalez's cock here in a second. Ladies and gentlemen, the reigning, defending, kill-tony drummer, all-time undefeated in Mexican drum-offs doing a solo for you now. This is Michael Gonzalez! Music Wow! Jesus Christ!

The man is fighting for his life! This is not a fucking game! This is how he makes a goddamn living! Michael Gonzalez! Here's the crazy part. You ready for this? The audience decides. Well, can I just say? They were both great drummers, but, you know, your face...

Yeah. I mean, he's got to win on just facial expression alone. I agree. I agree. I'm a little bit biased, but he has that drummer face that we all love. Yeah, that was dope. Or his face is completely normal and it was just melted. Yeah. His face, the way he turned into a Mario brother there, was crazy.

Dude, when he became my dad and started telling me all the things he hated about me, I was like, wow, this is crazy. Ladies and gentlemen, how many of you have our newest friend from New York, New York, Chicho Mantis, winning that? Wow. That's pretty good. I need a new job! That's pretty good. That's pretty good. That's pretty fucking good.

How many of you have Michael Gonzalez? I mean... The people on the Internet sometimes don't understand how dominant one side of applause is. Chicho, who do you think won that off of the audience applause? I think it goes to him. Goddamn right it does. But you had fun up here tonight, huh?

You got to drum, you got to do your first ever minute, and it went really fucking well, dude. And the interview went really well, too. For an HR manager, you're a pretty goddamn likeable, cool guy. And I just want to say, once again, a white guy loses a job to a Mexican. Yes! Mike Beanie!

Make some noise one more time for Chicho Mantis, everybody. There he goes. Unbelievable. You guys having fun yet, huh? Goddamn right. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Bijan Jalalai. Jalalai.

Bijan Jalalai. Bijan. Oh, here he comes. Come on, everybody, make some noise for Bijan. Make some noise for Bijan Jalalai. Everyone here knows what Duck Dynasty is, right? Yeah, it's like a pretty popular conservative podcast reality show. I didn't know they made gear.

I bought these in like Magaville, Wisconsin, and at the time I didn't realize I'd be walking around looking like a guy who takes dick, but also loves to shoot waterfowl. Oh, that didn't land at all. I should have worn camo. Because I was going to refer to the fact that I look like I just came out of a dominatrix dungeon called Grouse Witch.

You know, where you can seize the taxidermy while you take your punishment. I came here to find another chink in Tony's armor, but I don't think I did that. There you go. Bijan Jalalai. Am I saying that right, Bijan? You are. Welcome to the show. How about a hand for Bijan, everybody. He's here. He had the courage to sign up. He's having a rough week. This is what you look like

since Nate Diaz choked you the fuck out on Saturday night. A little bit drawn out and dehydrated, but it's okay. I like that you thought the shoes were the gay thing about you. Is that what he was talking about? Yeah, I do believe he thinks the shoes are the thing about him that would make it look like he sucks dick. Not the fact that you look like the guy that holds a dog in a purse or anything like that.

That is pretty incredible. Bijan, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? August 24th. So I didn't count the number of days, but... Holy shit. So last month? Yeah. Okay, that would have been a good answer.

Sorry. The day was November of the 1-5. Indeed, the 15th of November. What year? Who cares? Alright Bijan, let's talk about it. What do you do for work? Well, I just got here and I just submitted fingerprints today, so let's just say I'm getting a job around here. What? I don't do anything weird.

It's for schools. It's for schools. It's for schools. Yeah, yeah. What do you do for schools? Stay 500 feet away from them? Fingerprints. Yeah, fingerprints.

Jesus Christ. They tightened up the radius to about 250. Alright, okay. No, no, no. I'm going to be good on the fingerprints, but yeah, I'm going to work for a school. Where'd you come from? Wisconsin. And you just moved here?

Yeah, on Labor Day I drove down here. Okay, what made you get out of Wisconsin on Labor Day? What made you want to do that? I just was watching this on YouTube and I was like, I just need to get my... You were watching this and it made you want to move to Austin? Yeah. Wow.

That's fucking amazing. Incredible. That's amazing. Incredible. That's pretty awesome. And now you're going to work for the school system here in Austin. And move some furniture and just, you know, make it work. Okay, I love it.

Okay, I could see how that could be. If something goes down, please don't talk about us though. We don't get us involved. No, don't blame it on us if you shoot up a fucking workplace or anything like that, alright? Kill Tony. Like, don't do that. Kill Tony and Stephen and Joseph and Brendan and... Be John.

Tell us, what is your ethnicity? Be John Jalali. And you look like that. I'm interested to know. Yeah, yeah. It's a Persian name. Very Persian name. And I'm half Korean, like adopted Korean mom.

Half Korean and half Persian. Okay. That's fascinating. Wow. Very interesting mixture, right? Very rare. Mom, the Korean dad, the Persian? Yeah.

Dad's family is all, you know, Persian, local moms. It's like, you know, when you have a fantasy team and you haven't drafted all your players, that's like my mom's side of the family tree. They're all, I just don't know who they are. That's not how fantasy works at all. Yeah, yeah. I don't play fantasy. Oh, you know every player.

It is a... Yeah. You actually pick the best players. You pick all. Yeah, you pick every single one. You actually pick all the players. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah.

I'm keenly aware. Your family just doesn't like you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the whole different thing. I just say they're dead. It's easier. Okay. I don't know if they are.

You don't know. When's the last time you came here? Did you wait till they died to do that to your hair? Died. Nice. When's the last time you communicated with your parents? It's like kind of along the Hong's Kim sort of trajectory. It's a month.

His actual answer was a month. Yeah. So it's been about a month. Yeah. Okay. Did they know that you moved to Austin? Yeah, yeah. And they're in Wisconsin?

They're from Minneapolis. Okay. All right. Very good. What do you do for fun? I'm trying to figure out more about you. I got into open mics through music. Open mics.

Non-comedy. What do you do for fun that's not comedy? Soccer. Soccer. Soccer. Okay. All right. Would you like to wear Hans's jersey at some point?

It sounded like he had a cool Korean 06. It is true. It is true. Yeah. Maybe we could make half of it Persian for you. We could. You just gonna throw some hair on it? Yeah.

Yeah. Just wait. Just wait too much gold. I want to ask this. What was the creative decision between putting the sunglasses on as you got on stage? Because you didn't have them walking up. That was like a, was that like your big daddy moment where you were like, this makes me feel safe or what?

It's true. No. I was trying to like get a cue for like something where it'd be not a gender reveal, but like a race reveal. Oh. Oh, that didn't work out. Oh, you thought we didn't know what was underneath the glasses? That's incredible.

These are duck hunting. They're supposed to be polarized and all sorts of things. Oh my God. Okay. Yeah, but even if we couldn't tell visually, you don't think your name kind of gave away? Yeah. Yeah. And the fact that you dropped chopsticks on the bottle of cologne on your way up here.

Don't forget about the Persian. Don't forget about the cologne. It felt like you wrote a set for an outfit you didn't wear and planned every joke around that. And you even said, if I was wearing camo pants, here's the jokes I would have done. And then did those jokes anywhere. I've never seen that in my life. Very impressive.

I did a last minute change. What was the last minute change? I was going to do something like referring to the 9-11 jokes I heard. Oh. Somehow you might have made a great choice. I don't know. I feel like Middle Eastern comics are not always very good at 9-11 jokes. They're some of the worst at them.

They really are. Wow. I mean, they are the original creators of the entire premise. You know what I mean? There would be no 9-11 jokes without the Middle Easterners, you know what I mean? You're not fooling anyone with a hat. Yeah. No doubt about it.

Yeah. Happy holidays yesterday, by the way. Unbelievable. You still have birthday cake on your chin. It just has two really long candles that burn with fucking... Oh, my goodness. Well, Bajon, I mean, an amazing Kill Tony debut. It's incredible.

I'm finding out more and more people, not just people pulled out of the bucket, but people come up to me on the streets. It's the craziest thing. I can't believe people are moving here because of this insane show that has flies that fly around on the stage. On the stage of the entire time. I thought Sara McLaughlin was going to come out and start talking about you. For five cents a day, you can feed this podcast host. Look how skinny he is.

Bajon, an amazing Kill Tony debut. Congratulations. We'll see you again soon. Sign up again, Austin resident Bajon Jalali. Has entered Austin. Yeah, we should do that. Shouldn't we? You know what?

Actually, let's do one more bucket pool. You guys like meeting people out of the bucket, huh? Actually, no bucket. We'll go back to the bucket. I'm going to bring up one of your regulars right now. You guys like regulars on the show, right? You saw Hans earlier. Well, this guy's one of the longest standing regulars in the history of the show.

Unbelievably famous for his incredible roasting and joke writing. This is Austin resident David Lucas. Yeah. Yeah. I don't fuck with BLM. Black lives do matter, but fuck BLM Incorporated, you know what I'm saying? For real. It's not a black or...

What the fuck? What the fuck is going on? Got them flies together? Whoo! We're going to start that shit over. That was so cool. What the fuck? God damn.

I guess you can't feed a nigga for ten cents a day. Yeah, I don't fuck with BLM. Like, black lives do matter, but fuck BLM Incorporated, you know what I'm saying? That's not a black organization. That shit is funded by the LGBTQ. You know what I'm saying? The only people that give money to BLM is purple-haired managers at Trader Joe's. They don't know what they're doing.

They don't know what they're doing. They don't know what they're doing. The only people that give money to BLM is purple-haired managers at Trader Joe's. I ain't no niggas ever gave money to BLM. I knew it wasn't a black organization because the motherfuckers never had a cookout. If you won't... Like, what a rims at, motherfucker. Anybody told me to meet at a park and break drinks?

That's why I'm like, fuck BLM Incorporated. Alright, that's it. Holy shit. Unbelievable. Coming in, dropping the fucking hammer. Having to improvise off some bullshit. Some unexpected fucking lies. Hold on, the BLM group just got back from performing. Jesus, you two creeps.

David, welcome. An amazing performance. Thank you, man. I mean, just dropping a sledgehammer on the room with big fucking real ass topical and fucking true-to-you punchlines. It's absolutely incredible. And I think you might be a little bit more expensive than 10 cents a day, by the way. And you can wear all the black you want to. We still know you gay as fuck.

Wait, what is... Wait, what does wearing black have to do with being gay? Yeah, man. You can't hide that estrogen in your body. No, that's not... Wearing black is thinning. It doesn't take away gay. Tony, your titties look like the girl titties from the R. Kelly video. Wait a second. Them motherfuckers look like mini ice cream cones.

Tony got them pyramid titties. You know, the titties girls have in middle school. You suck a bitch. Oh my god. How dare you? How dare the person with the biggest titties on the show? My titties. You making fun of my titties? It's like making fun of me for having a fat ass or something.

You ain't got a fat ass, but you got a fat asshole. Oh, you stop it. You son of a bitch. See, I could actually argue. Believe it or not, I would be willing to argue. Like, we have a Mexican drum off. I'd be willing to argue that if we had an asshole size competition, you would win. I think I would be willing to bet that not only do you have a bigger asshole than me, that you also, from all the food coming out of it, have a looser asshole than me.

Tony, we know you got that cool whip container back down, motherfuckers. If it was a cool whip container, you'd be touching it a lot more than you do. Tony, you can shoot a paintball bullet out of your ass, motherfuckers. At $100,000 an hour, then. If I go to the range and everybody see an asshole, like, how did I get hit? Why does this bullet smell like shit? It smells like shit. It smells like shit.

Why does this bullet smell like shit? Oh, my God, dude. Hey, Tony, sleep like... Tony, you sleep like Tom Hanks when he got shot in for his gun. Then we had his ass in there. You sleep like Darth Vader in that fucking machine where he has to help him breathe. You sleep inside of a sleep apnea machine. Tony, after you get fucked, you go on the fetal position on the sofa.

I messed that joke up. I took three shots before I came down here. And Rat Bang got your colors on his right wrist. That's true. Those are my colors. Gang, gang, bang, bang. You know what I mean? I feel bad whoever put his legs in there. That wolf booty hole back there, boy. You got to get through the enchanted forest where you get that booty. Every time I wipe, it looks like one of those pads to get the hair off your back. Oh, my goodness.

Jesus Christ, my Chewbacca booty. That's shit. I love it. David, absolutely unbelievable. Have you guys ever seen anything quite like David Lucas before? It's great, man. I saw you at the comedy store. That's my dog, Mike Feeney. Josh Wolf don't remember me, but I do. I remember you from the... Yeah, absolutely, man. I've been looking forward to this exchange all night.

Tony told me not to roast the guests no more because y'all don't want to come over here. You can say whatever you want from me. You almost pushed down my rare end to calling you the N-word one. Sometimes people... I really did. I really did. He was like, yeah. Sometimes he gets on a run and he just does six in a row and the guest is like, Tony, what the fuck did you invite me to? Why the hell is this fucking...

And then they just stop talking. They just keep going like that. They don't say it, but they fucking... It's somehow worse. Yeah. Down my rare end, he milded it. Stop. Oh, my God. You are hilarious. Yeah, thank you, man. You are so funny. You remind me of Bernie MacDonald's.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. You thought it was over? You thought it was over? I'm loving it, dude. I'm fucking loving it. David's got those new balances on, but when he puts them on, they're immediately old balances. Let's get the fuck out of here. Tony, you go to the chiropractor.

You're the only person that goes to the chiropractor to get their ass cheeks cracked. Lower, lower, lower. No, no, no, lower. Not the lower back, the lower ass. That's actually... The fun fact about that, that's funny, but it's actually true. I do go to the chiropractor to have my ass... Hey, Josh Wolf looked like Dom Imus. Remember that dude who called him Black Girl?

That's your name. You really look like a fucking wolf. That shit crazy. I'm surprised you ever woke up early enough to find out who Dom Imus was. It's a morning radio show back in the day. Well, he called him Black Girl's nabby-headed hoes. I thought it was funny as fuck. Because they didn't need a hot coal. David, you live in Austin now.

Every single week you come on here, you're a fucking wrecking ball. Yeah, man. I mean, it is absolutely incredible. You set the bar for exactly what it means and what it is to be a regular on this show. I mean, you are unfucking believable every week, a new minute, every single one of these roast exchanges, even though we are without a doubt, with all ego aside, there's no question. David and I have made fun of each other publicly

more than any other two people in the history of everything. Absolutely. It's impossible. We gotta have at least 200 hours, I would say, bruh. There's a record. We have it. There's no doubt about it. We added onto it tonight, somehow always keeping it new

and not repeating the same thing, even though the premises are obviously both I'm gay and you're black and morbidly obese. Don't forget about how he's tremendously tremendous. Tony, you are a flaming homosexual. Are you serious? It's like a sitcom. You are hotter than hot Cheetos. Nigga, get the fuck out of here, boy.

If I was, you'd eat me. You'd probably call your ass. Make some noise for David motherfucking Lucas, everybody. Let's go. We're doing this shit tonight, people. Hell yeah. Come on, everybody. One more time for David Lucas, huh?

That shit is not easy. Make some noise for your next comedian, Eric Mandarin Man Fry. Eric Mandarin Man Fry. Shout out to the fine people over at Escobar, the pastel cartel, best vape pens. Hey, here's Eric Mandarin Man Fry, everybody. One more time for Eric, everybody. Man, I just love what David was saying about BLM.

Couldn't agree more. Kidding, just kidding. I love BB King, but I also love Buddy Guy, but just because, you know, I confuse their songs sometimes, that doesn't mean that I'm bluesist. People say they don't see color. I say I do, and it's blues. What about this word impeccable?

Were we letting birds come up with words now? That's the first version of that joke. The second version of that joke is, I was talking to a bird, and I asked him what he thought about that song. Bird, bird, bird. Bird is the word. He said, it's impeccable.

I love dates. I think dates are really delicious food. Great for you. It's like God's chocolate. I love dates so much. I think I'm ready to start calling them going steadies. I'm not a one-liner comedian. I'm more like a one-G bagger.

Usually, you find all the co-kids with that one. Thanks for the time. Okey-dokey, Eric Mandarin Man Fry. If you tell me you're here because of this show, I'm going to kill myself just to let you know. Well, I'm here on the show. Right. Like in Austin, no.

Right, okay. Do you live here in Austin? Yes, sir, I do. Okay, for how long? About a year. About a year. Where were you at before that? Dallas.

Dallas, Texas. Are you just on a break from bartending in islands? Yeah. Yes, actually. Okay, Eric, let's talk about it. Just going off of how you look. How long have you been beating your wife for? I want to leave the fifth on that.

Absolutely. Do you have a wife? You have a girlfriend? No. Boyfriend? What are you into? Easy, Tony. What are you into?

Into real estate and investing and not working a whole lot. Wow. Yeah. Okay. I'm into optimizing energy, Tony. Okay, so explain more of how that works out for you. How do you maximize those energies? A lot of bracelets you have.

Yeah, well, you know, it's just so many bracelets. I travel a lot. I love travel. I was in Peru earlier. That's where I got the bracelets. They're hard to get off because they were tied on by the hungry fist of an eight-year-old Peruvian boy. Okay.

Eric, your minute is over. No. Anything you say, anything you say at this interview part could be used against you in court. I know that. I'm aware. I watched a show. I knew you would say something about the bracelets, so I had one ready. Okay.

Very good. That's the one you had ready. Did you? You might want to let that one bake a little bit longer, Eric. I don't think it's quite ready. Yeah, it's not ready. The workshop. I mean, yeah.

Okay. So how long have you been to stand up, Eric? Oh, in my head, like 10 years. And on stage? About four months. Four months. Yeah. All of it here in Austin.

Yeah, I did a course in Dallas when I was living in Dallas. Oh, no. Yeah, no. Makes sense. Makes sense. Oh, no. The course? That never works well.

Yeah. Except for David Lucas. He has five courses every meal. You motherfucker. Oh, Jesus. All right. So let's talk about it. What do you do for fun?

You look like the kind of guy that somehow knows how to do voodoo or something like that. You're very perceptive. Very intuitive, Tony. Okay. So what is it? You just get back from Burning Man or something like that? I didn't go this time. Okay.

Tell us what you do for fun. Yeah, make money. Other than make money. Unless you explain to us exactly how you make money, it's not a good part in an interview. And no one believes you. You look like Dan Blazerian's father or something like that, right? You know what, Tony? I just made hard off of making money.

That's all I do. I make money and then when I'm done, I make more money. Shut the fuck up. All right. It's very important. You look like a fucking Uber driver. You seem like a guy who would leave his kids because the chakras were off. You know what I mean?

I just can't do it. Energy's not right. He literally does look like that. So tell us more about you, Eric. Tell us more. Yes. I have 12 Airbnb hostels. Okay.

Hospitals. Hostel. Hostel. I was like, who's staying at the Airbnb hospital? That seems real weird. Do you want my hostel joke or no? No. No, we don't.

We don't need it. If it was good, you would have done it in the minute that, you know what I mean? It got bumped off of your minute because you thought that the stuff in your minute was better than that. So why would we want to hear that? Okie dokie. Let's just keep it moving along. It got a little bit sad there first. Yeah, I was like, shit, I should have put the hostel stuff in my minute.

Let's hear it. Let's hear your fucking hostel joke. Well, it's the only place you can lose your passport and your anal virginity. Oh, Jesus. Oh, God. By the way, that's not true. Yeah. Yeah, I would not lose my passport there.

You know what I'm saying? I do love that when you did your first, you did a like crazy deep cut blues. Yeah. B.B. King for like the seven people who are into blues. My dad would have fucking loved that. I love that. You did that and then it got nothing and you were like, so the word impeccable is crazy, right?

Yeah, but then he went from- He finished with impeccable and he said, how about dates? I'm like, what the fuck is going on right now? I kind of almost enjoyed how there was no segues whatsoever. B.B. King, birds, let's go. B.B. King. Optimize my time. Yeah.

One minute. You lose a lot of money, don't you? You seem like a bad investor. Yeah. You all tied up in Bitcoin or something like that? Oh, yeah. How much do you have in Bitcoin? Yeah.

I have less than I had before Celsius debacle. What? Yeah. No one's gonna- That guy's pissed. Yeah. He's like fucking Celsius. He's fucking Celsius.

Oh, that shit. I have four less than I had. I'll say that. No one ever feels sorry for you when you say that, of course. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, why would we? Yeah.

What the fuck are we talking about? To be fair, Jazz was gonna ask that regardless of what we were talking about. What was the coolest thing that you saw in Peru? Oh, yeah, Machu Picchu, of course. What was the saddest thing you saw in Peru? This woman who didn't think alcohol was destroying her life. Oh, wow. Yeah.

So I worked, you'll find this interesting. I worked, I hope, I worked for a liquor company, a tequila company for a long time. Okay. And so when you said that about the taking the break from the, yeah, I lived in Guatemala for a long time for four years doing the accounting for a mezcal company. And yeah, so careful out there. You said I would find it interesting. You just went and you talked about how you were an accountant for a mezcal company.

Yeah. Okay. D-Madness, you came back a little bit too quick. No, I'm kidding. Eric Mandarin, before I let you go, tell us the most interesting thing about your life or something that you think stands out different than everybody else in the bucket. Yeah, yeah, sure. I had a near-death experience.

Yeah, what was the near-death experience? Was it on stage during your 60 seconds here tonight? No, that was a full-death experience, I believe. Because you died, bro. We're trying to bring you back. All right. What was the near-death experience? Yeah.

So you shouldn't drink alcohol and snort oxy-cotton, turns out. Well, yeah, yeah. Yeah. And yeah, I traveled out and... Where'd you do that at? Guatemala. Wow. Turns out they'll sell anything over the counter, especially if you're, you know, white,

and... Did you... Have you snorted oxy-cotton before? Oh, yeah. Every Friday night. I had a gig. You don't do it anymore? No.

God, no. God, no. That's what you did in the tequila business? Yes, sir. Okay. Yeah. All right. So who saved you?

Not a God. Yeah, God. All right. That's a... Bullshit. Wrong answer, bro. It was not God. It was a Guatemalan.

You're saying Guatemalan wrong. What the fuck is that? The fruit saved me. This is a gift for you, sir. It's a mandarin. What the hell? No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't put it up.

Oh, God. All right. It's going to explode, everybody. Don't. Why is it so hot? Been by my hot ass. What the fuck? The first mandarin...

I've never held a hot orange before. I feel like I got an orange before. I feel like I got an orange before. From here. What the shit? So mandarin's cured my herpes. And so I have a lot of respect. They absolutely did not cure your herpes.

That was another great gift for my time in Guatemala. What the fuck? They didn't cure your herpes. They did. Uh-uh. You want to see? Nope. Okay.

Very good. Eric, I got to get you the fuck out of here, dude. I love you, brother. A lot of respect for you. A lot of respect for you. Thank you. Absolutely. Thank you so much.

Hey. His Kill Tony debut. He's been at it a few months chasing his dreams. He would have been a good writer for like a sitcom in the 80s or something like that. Maybe execs would have found him hilarious. Three seasons. You know, I like that Eric Mander and Man Fry guy. Very warm.

All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there still? Your next comedian goes by the name of Jack Stoltemann. Jack Stoltemann, everybody. One more time for Jack, everybody. I just got out of my first long distance relationship. First and last, I hated it. But going into it, everyone was like, long distance so easy nowadays with FaceTime.

No, that's not true. FaceTime fucking sucks. How about this? FaceTime me when they invent pussy time. You can call it sit on my FaceTime. Recent geopolitical events have shown me how little I know about how the economy works. Because Russia invades Ukraine and all of a sudden I'm sucking dick for gas money. It used to be easy to get a gallon of gas for two dollars.

Now I gotta swallow two gallons of cum just to fill up my tank. You know those Joe Biden stickers? They say I did that. People put them up at the gas station. I put them up at the glory holes. I saw an interesting factoid the other day that said if we had a minute of silence for each victim of the Holocaust, we'd be quiet for 11 years. And I got to thinking, if only the Jews had tried that in the 1930s.

Jack Stoltemann, everybody. Hell yeah. Very, very good. Jack Stoltemann. I can't quite... You know who loved that last joke? This motherfucker right there. Oh yeah.

No doubt. Unbelievable. I can't quite put my finger on what you look like, Jack Stoltemann. This is a very interesting look. Why do I get the vibe that you're in the witness protection program? You left New York, they sent you to Texas. You're like, alright, I'll play the part. I'll do whatever I have to do.

It is a fake beard, good eye. Is it? No. Okay. When I say something, it's totally straight, dude. You look like your asshole ate itself. Like, you have zero... Turn around and show everybody your ass.

Let's see. It looks like his ass... Whoa. Whoa, wait, wait, wait. He's got an itty for an ass. It's like his ass ate itself. Do one more spin. Holy shit.

You have an inverted ass. I've never seen anything like that. It's like he shits out the front, maybe. I don't know. Oh, my God. This man is... Reverse David Lucas. This is incredible.

Absolutely incredible. Do you do a lot of planking? You literally... What do you do for a living? I bartend. You literally worked your ass off. Okay. How long you been bartending for?

Why do you look like a guy that only serves moonshine? One shot and one shot only. About four years now. Okay. All right. And how old are you? I'm 26. 26 years old.

And how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Eight months. Eight months? And what made you want to start doing this at the right age of 26? I would like to do it for a living. I would like to make money from this. Incredible. Yeah, you did very, very good today.

Thank you. Really, really, really good for somebody that's been doing it for eight months. And the confidence with which you delivered those difficult jokes is ballsy, dude, for a young comic. And I saw him get confidence, because once he got a laugh from the people over there started clapping, and he just fucking casually put his hand in his pocket, like fucking Carson, like,

well, you know what they say, you know? He put his hand in his front pocket and rubbed his ass? Yeah. Oh, fuck. So I have to ask, you're wearing a shirt that literally is a map of Texas. It has the star of Texas. It has the shape of Texas in the middle of all that.

It also says made in Texas a long, long time ago. It says, don't mess with Texas on the sleeve. I haven't even seen the back, I've taken my eyes off your asshole since you got here. Obviously, everything is not bigger in Texas, you know what I mean? I have to ask you, because I started dressing like that six months into me living here. I got to ask you, please, for the love of God,

tell me, are you from Texas? No, I'm not. I'm from Vermont, actually. It is a small town in Montpelier. Fucking amazing. Where are you from? I'm from Columbus, Ohio. Oh, hell yeah.

What's the difference? One, two, one, two, three, fuck. That's right. That's the sound of an undefeated college football team, everybody. Yeah. Yeah, you fucking dork. Hook that. Porns.

Oh, I was really rooting for you guys, too. I tried, look how close, 2019. I tried to sprinkle. I'm a third generation Buckeye. Absolutely, yeah. What part of town? I'm from the suburbs, but I lived in the city proper for six years. Okay, what suburbs?

Westerville. Powell. Oh, that's where I'm coming from. Very good. Where you're from? Worthington, Powell. Okay, gotcha. At your bartending job, do you wear like a vest?

Are you one of those dudes? You got leather apron. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looks like right with a monocle or something. Yeah, yeah. He'd be like, can I have a beer? He's like, we don't do beer here, okay? It comes with a fucking tree in it, tourists.

Here's your beer. But no vest? No nothing? No vest. They made me wear a collared shirt that looks like a tablecloth. And that's worse than that shirt? Yeah. Okay.

If I could wear this at work, I would every day. That is an amazing. I like that shirt. Thank you. If they ever made a shirt like that and a boy's small, I'd wear it. Let me ask you this, Jack. What do you do for fun? I do.

Because bartenders know how to have fun. This is not like an HR manager occupier. It's like, I do this. I make money for fun. You actually know how to have fun. Tell us how you have fun. I train at 10th Planet. Oh, okay.

Wow. All right. I have no idea what he said. My goodness. He trains at 10th Planet, which is obviously, for those of you that know, one of the elite jiu-jitsu camps in the entire world. So you're very good at jiu-jitsu. I'm decent.

I've only been doing it a couple of years. Obviously, it must help not having an axe. Yeah. Fill off right off the guy. You can't, you can't rear naked choke you, my friend. Fill off in a twister. Yeah. Yeah.

You don't, you don't, you don't have much of a darts back there. You know what I mean? Have you ever found anything in your beard? I find snacks all the time. Yeah. Have you ever eaten anything out of your beard before? Not when people are looking. All right.

What's your love like? Is there a girl out there with fucking beard hair all over her pussy? Not, not at the moment. Okay. Why do you think that is? I just got out of a long distance relationship. Oh, wow. How long distance was it?

Were they from your, your hometown? It was from here to Ohio. Back in Ohio. Okay. All right. Did she break up because you have a very tiny chin? No. I have a decent chin.

I haven't seen my chin since I graduated high school though. And you've never seen your asshole. Right. No doubt. The carpet matches the drapes. When he sits on the toilet, you must look like Red Band's phone. You know what I'm saying? It bends at the fucking hinge like that.

It's a good joke if you know what the phone looks like. Yeah. We'll put, we'll put a picture of Red Band's phone in that part of the episode. Thanks man. I appreciate it. So the people on YouTube get it. Listen. Is there alcohol in here?

So Jack, let's talk about it. How long were you with this girl and why didn't it work out? Why didn't she come with you to Texas? Um, she had school to do in Ohio. Oh wow. High school? Grad school. She was actually six years older than me.

Wow. Look at that. Oh my goodness. That's incredible. Yeah. All right. Wow. And have you been with a girl in Texas since you've been here?

You've been here eight months? No. I've been here three months. Oh, you've been here three months. You've been standing up eight months. So you started in Columbus. I actually started in Florida. What made you start in Florida?

Uh, I just wanted to, well, I've been, I've been thinking about it for a long time and been riding for a long time and I've been hanging out at the local club there and I was like, you know what? I think I should give it a shot. I'd really love to do this. And I did. I went for it and then five months later I moved here. Okay.

So you haven't been in sexual relations with a Texas girl? No, I have. Oh, you have? Okay. Tell us how that went down. We're curious to know. Were you bartending? No.

Did you do a little fucking Bill Cosby? No, it's been, uh, I can't help myself. It's, uh, one of them was through, uh, through the dating apps and, uh, we met at a bar. And. Farmers only? Right. She was, she was Latina. No surprise there.

Oh, wow. Okay. But, uh, we spent about 20 minutes at the bar before we decided let's go back to my place and I offered, I offered to give her, I offered to give her a ride, but she wanted to be nice. She's like, I got to be up early. So let me just, let me just drive my own car to your place. And she got in a drunk hit and run on her way to my place.

The guy followed her all the way there. She got tailed by the guy all the way to my place. The guy sat outside, uh, I was staying in an Airbnb at the time. The guy sat outside there and called the cops and they came in, they came and knocked on my door. But you have a boner? She did the run. She did the hit and run and went to my place.

But you guys, did you guys, were you guys having sex when the cops came over? We had before the cops came over and then after. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Viva la Raza. Did a little hit and run and then a little bump and grind, you know what I mean? See, it's amazing.

Wow. I love it. That's great. Yeah. Jack, you're very, very entertaining. You're incredibly talented for only doing this eight months. Here's, if you go along with your big Texas shirt, here's a big Texas joke book made by the great Bones Eye.

I owe people some joke books, by the way. I forgot about this. I owe. Cheecho and Bajon, they're almost there. Let's keep going to this bucket. What do you guys think? Back to the bucket again? We haven't had a girl up tonight.

Should I wait until I pull a girl out? Huh? Yeah? Okay, this might actually, I may have gotten it on the first one is Cassidy Robinson. Let's do Cassidy Robinson. Here she is. Cassidy Robinson. What's up, y'all?

Honestly, since I've been in Austin, the drivers are horrible. Fuck kiosks. Let me tell you. I can tell you how much I fucking hate everything. I'll tell you how much I hate kids first. Fuck kids. I know that because I was a kid first. Yeah.

I'm not having kids because I'm horrible, you know. When I was a kid, you know what I decided to do? Hold a goldfish up to the window because I decided I would need my goldfish to be a little bit tanner, you know. It's hard to match these locks. Hold it up to the window. That should have died three days later. It's fine.

Cassidy Robinson, you're right. You did. That was not, Josh just said, I just heard somebody meow in the audience. That is true, Josh. That was not the mushrooms, by the way. That was an actual meow. There are loose cats scattered throughout this. There's feral cats everywhere in this building.

Oh, my goodness. Cassidy Robinson, welcome to the show. How are you? How do you feel? I'm great. How are you guys? I'm great. We're fantastic.

How are you doing? I'm amazing. Why are you dressed like that? Yeah, you're supposed to wear the corset on the inside. I believe that's the... Is that the Intercontinental Championship of Gingerism? Ooh, listen to how they groan about gingers. Is that like the new N-word or something like that?

Gingers are gaining momentum. We finally feel bad for the people that really deserve it, you know what I mean? These people struggle, dude, even the sun hates gingers. Like, fuck you. Cassidy, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Ever since Game of Thrones got canceled? Thank you, my name is Sansa Stark, actually.

Indeed. Yep, that's the joke I just made. I made that joke. I did, and then you explained it. Cassidy, how long have you been doing stand-up? Literally today. Today, first time ever. Oh, yeah.

Very good. What made you want to do this? You know, I've always been a personality. I'm not very good at being on stage. Where does this personality usually shine? What do you think? Are you the general manager of a... No, I actually work in cannabis.

Oh, okay. Nice. Yeah, I work at a laboratory, so... Oh, wow. That's why your voice is so high. No, stupid, cheesy. Very high. Thank you.

Right. Indeed. What do you do with cannabis exactly? I test it. Okay. So do I. Dream job. Your pupils are quarters right now.

It looks like... It's like a Dave's double. Yeah. Okay. So, how did you get the job testing weed? I smoke it. Yeah. Yeah.

Are you talking about the dick you had to suck to get the job smoking weed? No, I'm kidding. How did you get the job smoking weed? No, I actually don't smoke it. I test it at a laboratory. What's happening right now? How do you test it? I'm losing my mind.

What the fuck is happening right now? How do you test it? I don't even... Okay. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. You're right. Nobody knows what's happening right now. We're all on mushrooms now, Josh.

Yeah. Fuck. This is what an episode's normally like. Okay. So, what do you do when you show up to work? If you say test it at a laboratory one more fucking time, I'm burning this place down. Yeah. I make all of my clients very happy.

You make all of your clients very happy. My clients are dispensaries, so I just take care of all of them. Okay. And I just make sure that they know what the fuck that they're reading on the science side of things. Okay. Yes, they answer your question, Matt. Yes, she is high right now.

Matt speaks once every seven episodes, and that was a good question, Matt. Is she high right now? Yes. Hey, do you mind if I got you? Don't worry. Oh shit. D-Man is about to finally see the light. This one is just bright enough.

You might actually see it. Goddamn. You hurt my ass. Oh my goodness. Have you ever been with a black blind musician before? Blind? Oh, okay. Look at that.

That was a thinker. Where are you from? I'm from Tennessee, and I live in Phoenix. Okay, you live in Phoenix now. All right, you decided to go to a place with a bright, constant sun. I don't like being cold. I'm a ginger. I don't know if you guys know that we are more sensitive to being cold, but...

Yes, because every fucking ginger says that every time. And blue-eyed people are like, my eyes, you know, because of the sun? It's ginger yoga. What? I also do yoga, so... All right, Cassidy, let's talk about it. What do you do for fun? Like, what do you do to have a really good time?

You just started stand-up comedy. What else is there? I get really drunk. I like to do, like, kayaking and... I got to get Josh Wolfe to move to Austin, Texas. I just decided... Souvenir, dude. Souvenir. Keep it. Keep it.

Just bust to the cap, and this guy's up. Cassidy, you like to get super drunk, and what? I mean, I like al-kayak, or, you know, go climb a mountain, or... Al-kayak? Those are terrible things to do drunk. Go climb the mountain? Yeah. What the fuck does that mean?

Yeah. You'll climb a mountain. I mean, there's lots of mountains in Arizona. You mean hiking? Is that what you're talking about? Hiking? I mean, I wouldn't say hiking because I always get lost on the trail, but... Probably because you're shit-faced.

How many times... How many times has a helicopter had to rescue you from one of these? Actually, zero. Zero. I know what I'm doing. It's fine. Right. Absolutely. Okay. What's the worst... What's the most embarrassing moment of your life that you can remember offhand? Let's ask you that, Cassidy.

Oh, man. There must be a good one out there. Yeah, most embarrassing moment of my life was finding out that the guy that I was sleeping with was also sleeping with another female. Patty cake. Way to get that one in there, Red Band. Totally worth it. Totally a great time to interrupt, Red Band.

Really good stuff. No, that should be embarrassing. Keep going with the answer to the question that we all waited to find out the answer to. Go ahead. That's it? No, because you're like, what the fuck? What's wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with me. Wait, are you on Josh's mushrooms? What just happened?

No one said that. No, I'm asking you about a time that you got embarrassed. He was just sleeping with another girl. That's it? Oh, not sleeping with another girl. No. Okay. Another girl's man. He was sleeping with another girl's man.

That's fucking embarrassing as shit, because I'm not trying to be that woman. Wait, did you ever hook up with him after he slept with a guy? Was he cheating on you with a man? Is that what you're saying? If you're ever talking about another man, then yes, but not him, no. What the fuck is going on? Listen, Tony. You know, I read, I went down this fucking rabbit hole today. It's so funny.

D-Madness. That was the fucking best-based... Absolutely killing it. Yeah. Oh, my God. I swear to God, I might stop smoking weed after this. This is like the greatest anti-marijuana commercial I've ever seen. I cannot.

I just fucking climb mountains and fucking... I make horrible decisions. Dude, I'm not going to lie to you. I might have to sit the rest of this interview out. I don't fucking know what's going on. Wow. My God, Cassidy. Absolutely incredible.

I apologize to you guys. I'm sorry. No, no, no. First off, did you say this was your first time on stage ever, right? Oh, no, I'm not on stage now. But, dude, I hate... I've never been on stage before. Oh, shit. For those of you that like red-head and small tits, there she comes. Yeah, you guys ready to meet the CEO of the itty-bitty-titty committee?

Given carpet coming to the stage, SPF 100. Who's ready to get burnt by the sun? Make some noise for Copperton. She's been hanging out in the Hawaiian Tropic for a while, and now she's back, everybody. You can see it. See her sun, bum. Coming to the stage, Melanoma! You may have seen her climbing a mountain.

Now she's going to climb that pole. Here she goes. Oh, my goodness. Cassidy, is this true? Were you really a stripper at some point? It's okay if you were. You seem like you go from being very, very, very giving with information, and then all of a sudden you turn into the shy ginger we all expect you to be. Well, I know that everyone here is going to hate that my nickname is Cinnamon, so... I don't think anyone hates that at all.

It actually explains a lot. Yeah, the boxes are starting to get checked off, I think. Do you have an Onlyfans? Jesus Christ, Red Band. Very good. Very good. For someone named Cinnamon, I thought you'd have better buns. Alright. But first time doing stand-up, this was. That's great. Listen, for your first time doing stand-up...

Great job. I mean, you know... I would suggest, technically, you got to talk into the mic more, because you were talking down here a lot, but again, from your previous profession, I understand why. Microphone work, isn't it a high priority? Or, though, from the previous profession, you'd think that the mic would be right up against the mouth.

Well, a lot of the reason is because I was just so scared, because, you know... For sure. Yelling in the mic seems a lot of, like, William Montgomery. Oh, shit. Wow. Ginger on ginger crime, everybody. Well... We got a gingest.

That's actually part of the reason why I came here, actually. Was what? Is to... Oh, because I think he's my uncle, possibly my father. I'm not really sure. Oh, shit. Cassidy, it was nice to meet you. Here's a joke book. There she goes, Cassidy Robinson taking a small joke book

from the great Bones Eye. And that can only take us to one place, you know? Ladies and gentlemen, it's now time to bring up the man who has done more minutes ever in the history of the show, the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler. This is William Montgomery. One more time for William Montgomery, everybody. Keep it going for my baby mama, Cassidy.

Thank you. Nine migrants died this past weekend trying to cross the Rio Grande into Texas. The last time that many Hispanic people died at the same time, Red Band was heard whispering to his fellow guards, hurry this shit up. I recently watched The Godfather for the first time, and I sure hope there's a sequel. The new remake of The Little Mermaid has racist people up in arms

because it will be starring a black little mermaid. The only concerning part for me is that Prince Eric is being played by O.J. Simpson. I thought of that one like an hour ago before I got here. They found Queen Elizabeth dead. She must have had a video of Prince Andrew fucking a 12-year-old. Okay, that's our talk. Wow. William Montgomery, 56 seconds.

Right on the dock. Unbelievable. You did it again. Another killer new minute. You started it off by bringing a cricket in a plastic cup. Don't ping it on Red Band. Did you see how scared he got? Yeah, you were pouring it on my face.

Why would you dump a cricket on somebody during a podcast? I don't know. A fucking cricket. I was up in the green room. A fucking cricket. I just smoked some weed. Some big black thing landed on my left arm, and I looked over and it scared me to death.

I got up screaming, and then I thought, oh my god, I have to get Red Band's fucking ass. I have to scare him. I have to scare him like I just got scared. Oh my god. You took it to a different level, William. You understand. Would it scare you?

No, I'm going to get you real early. What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Nothing. What are you going to do? You'll find out, dude. What are you going to do? You'll find out.

What the fuck are you going to do? What do you mean it took it to another level with a fucking cricket? What the fuck are you going to do? Seriously, what the fuck are you going to do? You'll find out, man. Can I say it? I just took the fucking cricket on you, dude.

What do you mean you're going to take it to another level? I'm going to take it to the next level, dude. What are you thinking about doing, Red Band? You'll see. Oh my god. What do you mean you'll see? Seriously, Red Band, what do you mean you'll see? I dumped a fucking cricket on your dumb ass.

Can I say I've never seen somebody threaten someone while holding a mic delicately? What the fuck are you going to do, man? What the fuck is that supposed to mean, dumb ass? You heard what I said. I have another fucking cricket in my pocket, dumb ass. I didn't know that. I forgot to mention, if you use the promo code KILLTONY

at the Hotel Van Zand, you get 20% off Sunday and Monday nights now. That's one of the best hotels in the city. Don't fucking stay there! The place is super haunted, seriously. Super haunted. Red Band, quit looking like that. What the fuck happened?

He's got devilish look to him. He's scheming real hard. Have you ever seen the movie Carrie, William? Wow. The movie what? Nothing. Okay, so William, a very, very, very, very, very great set. Unbelievable.

I loved it. All new material, again. You did it again. The OJ Simpson joke absolutely killed more than two people unapologetically. What else is going on, William? What's going on in your life? Tell us about it.

It was so much fun. We went to West Palm Beach this past weekend. We did. We had great, great shows. You had five unbelievably great sets. It was a lot of fun. Hans and I ended up going out to the beach, one of the days.

We found this just sort of like younger couple. Like they were pretty young. Like early 20s, we decided to get them. We abducted them. Wow. We put them in this truck that Hans had rented before we decided to abduct them. It was so much nicer being able to do it with somebody else.

I mean, I'm alone most of the time when I'm getting these people. Hans was pretty good at some of the logistical aspects. That was my next question, actually. I want to know what did you guys do? Did you tackle them or what? Did you tie them up? What did you do exactly? Well, I mean, first, it took us like three hours

to decide on U-Haul or Pinsky. We didn't know. We kept going over the prices. I don't know. It took three hours to do that. And then, yeah, when we finally did it, they were both laying on their stomachs on the beach. And what did you do?

You tied them up or what? We were able to step on the backs of their necks just ever so slightly so they slowly stopped breathing. I was like, Hans, you've got to stop, dude. I'm like, this is your idea. And he looked at me and he's like, you're kidding, right? This was your... But yeah, it was a weird day.

It turned into a very... Wow. That's incredible. You and Hans murdered two people. That's incredible. Hans, I'm sorry, dude. I knew I said I wasn't going to bring it up. Hans, seriously, I'm sorry.

Now, William. There was a pale, red-headed woman on stage before you. She dropped your name. Did you see any of her performance? How do you feel that she ranks amongst the ginger comedians of the world? What was that stupid little idea right there? Why would you fucking put that on when I'm...

She was really good. I wasn't kidding when I said she's my baby mama. We met literally four years ago, Severeville, Tennessee. We have a red-headed child. Red Band is the godfather. Wow. He honestly is. A lot of red.

A lot of red in this. Yeah, Red Band is the godfather. But yeah, no, she's hilarious. I'm kidding. I was watching her. I was thinking she really needs to work on this. What'd you just fucking say, bitch? Was that your stupid voice?

I was just fucking her. Somebody fucking throw her out of here! No, she needs to work on it. I think she has a lot of potential, but she needs to work on it. I love it. William, you are a machine. What else is going on?

Is this your guys' first time seeing William? Josh, I can't even imagine what that's like. I saw you eat so many mushrooms before this. Can I tell you something? Yeah, I saw you eat those. I was watching you the entire time. I've been just watching your eyes this entire time. You're insane.

Dude, they are. I've tried to count the number of your blinks and there hasn't been one. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I wasn't fucking around when I said I had another fucking cricket, you dumbass. Why did you decide to fucking try to say something else? I'm testing the waters, I suppose.

I saw him at the comedy store for Kill Tony about 2019 or whatever, and you look great, buddy. You lost a ton of weight since then. That is true. Tell everybody, you put out a picture actually today on your Instagram with you with abs on the beach from this weekend in West Palm Beach.

Tell everybody, how much weight have you lost? I honestly don't know. I think it might heaviest I weighed maybe probably 260 or something. I don't know what I weigh now. But we don't know what that means until you tell us what you are now. Huh?

What do you weigh now? What? I won't say it again. When someone asks you how much weight you lost, you don't just tell them the base weight. Well, I once weighed 260, so I guess get a job at a carnival and you'll figure it out.

You could give a ballpark. You should have a ballpark answer for that. Would you say 100 pounds? No, I would say, I don't know. 60 maybe? 70, I don't know. That's awesome, man. That is great.

Yeah, I feel better. The last time, Josh, I went on your podcast a couple of times. I had my neck brace on both times. At both times, I was high as hell on cocaine. Oh my God. They were so much fun, though. I remember they went well.

Yeah, dude, you cried. It was fun. Yeah. But it makes a lot of sense, though. During his show? Yeah, during his podcast. I went in and did a couple of key bumps. I fastened on my neck brace real tight

and I fucking went in there and... Damn. It was fun. I remember it was both times. That is incredible. And for those people listening to the show around the world that might have some weight issues, how would you recommend that they lose the 70 pounds?

Like there's a lot. First and foremost, you got to get some sort of, get a stair master. Start getting on a stair master. Start out at five minutes. Work up to 10 minutes. Go to 15.

Stop at 15. I mean, I hurt my sciatic nerve real bad. And that caused me not to be on the stair master for like a month. So you have to watch out. You have to slowly get up there. Try to plateau around 20 to 25 minutes. I think that's a good.

You start sweating around 15. Why is this so funny? And then get a crock pot. I'm honestly making my first crock pot meal tomorrow. Wow. I really am. William. I'm not kidding.

He's not joking. He mostly eats stuff that he makes out of a crock pot. Don't let the face. Crock pot is fantastic. Yeah. Huh? Stop that. God.

William. Can I say I've never seen two angrier women in my life than these two women right here. Yeah. And they're here every week. Yeah. Throwing my ass off. They come every week.

Every week. They're immune to William's trickery. They fucking. They don't. They don't. They don't see William. No. Do you have a son of a bitch?

Another one. Big hit. William. You're a goddamn legend. You do it every single week. It's unbelievable. It's so impressive. You've done more sets than anybody else.

I'm thrilled that you're a part of this thing. William Montgomery, everybody. Thank you. Hey, get a cameo from William. He's on cameo. And he's like a star on cameo. He's awesome on cameo. If you're a William Montgomery fan, give him some money.

Go to his cameo. The drawing of this episode is in from Ryan Jebel. How loud can this place get for my guests? Mike Beanie and Josh Wolk. You guys have fun here tonight or what, huh? How about one more time for the best band in the land, the Kill Tony band. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horn.

Matt Mueling on the electric and the great D madness on the bass guitar. Red band. Love you guys. Thanks. Thank you, everybody. And next week and at the 10 year anniversary show live from ACL live, tune 10th, 2023 in front of thousands and thousands of people. Good night, everybody.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.