KILL TONY - #584 - RYAN LONG + CHRIS FAGA

Episode Date: November 21, 2022

Ryan Long, Chris Faga, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/07/2022 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link:  https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows. And you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including the weekly secret show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You could also go to ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merchandise and go to Ryan J.E. Bell. dot com he's the house artist he draws every episode he sells prints he sells posters and tony is on

tour right now so go to tony hinchcliff dot com for everything golden pony and now here's a brand new episode of kill tony this is ribby company live from vulcan gas company here in austin texas for a brand new episode of kill tony get up for to talk some shit up tonight huh in it everybody Come on, people. Make some noise for Brian. Motherfucking, right? Hey! Live in the flesh. Creator of podcasts, eater of foods.

He's here. Welcome to Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose, the two best strip clubs on planet Earth, just so happen to be here in Austin, Texas. So is the best goddamn vodka in all of the land. Deep Eddie vodka is proud to bring you this episode of Kill Tony live in Austin, Texas. Also the Hotel Van Zand.

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but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian, and I'm excited to sit. that I'm back out on tour again. December 9th and 10th I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2020, I'm in Dallas, Texas. In February 9th and 10th of 2020, I'm in Houston, Texas.

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you guys ready to start tonight's show or what guys how about a hand for the fucking band am I right that is the Kill Tony band brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey that's the great new recently engaged Michael Gonzalez on the drums

the great Paul Deemer on the horns here, Matt Mueling on guitar, and that is the one and the only D-mother fucking madness, right down the barrel. D. And the great Ryan J.E. Belt is here, right over there, drawing tonight's episode, hiding in the wings right now.

That is the legendary Ryan J.E. Belt. Fresh in from a plane ride from Southern California. He is drawn literally hundreds and hundreds of episodes of the show. He's here live. He's originally from Texas. How about a hand for our friend, Ryan Jee. All right. Let's have some fun.

Every single week, I have two of the best guests on planet Earth. This week, no different. Two of my favorite comedians coming up through the ranks in New York City. Two fucking hilarious dudes. Make some noise for Ryan Long and Chris Vega, everybody. Let's go. Guys, make some fucking noises for my guests. That's the great.

Ryan Long, this is Chris Vega. This is Bill Tony live in Austin, Texas. Ryan Long, I do believe making his third appearance on the show. Welcome back, Ryan. How are you? Hello, I had such a good time on Kill Tony last time that that's how I have sex now. I say, babe, you got one minute, and then my friends are going to roast you for five. That's right. That's right. This is Chris Vega's first time as a guest on Kill Tony. Make some noise for Chris, everybody.

about you. Welcome, Chris. How do you feel tonight? I feel great, Tony. Thanks for having me. I'm excited. My man's already drinking a lone star fitting in, much better. He's been here one weekend, already fitting in better than the boy from California.

I just caught him adjusting his hat. He's like, maybe I should wear a different. He's got bangs and shit this fucking guy. You guys know how the show works. Before everything started, back there, comedians, make some noise for yourselves.

They're deep in the gullet back there. A hundred of them signed up for an opportunity to do 60 seconds on tonight's show. If I pull their name out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring

out the angry West Hollywood Bear. Which is just a loud noise. My volume just went down somehow. Which is just a loud noise that cuts them off. Then I interview them for a few It's immediately after that. And it's all improvised, and we don't know what's going to happen, and we all are going to get through it together.

You guys ready to start tonight's motherfucking show? Guys, this is the number one live podcast in the world. Are you guys ready to do this shit? Ladies and gentlemen, going up first tonight, instead of reaching into this bucket, we're going to start it with someone. We know a consistent, goddamn creative force. You know them, you love them.

Sing along if you know the words, because this is Hans Kim. What's that? So if you're going to tell, I ride a moped. I love riding a moped. Everyone's so happy to see me. I think it's because they think I'm there

to deliver Chinese food. I got an Asian moped, which is the equivalent of a white person's minivan. I can fit my whole family on there. White people are like, holy shit, they're setting the poor Asians now. Rapists and the criminals

and the drug dealers. But yeah, recently, Kyrie Irving posted something anti-Semitic, and then he had to give the Jews money, which I think it's funny. I apologize to the Jewish community. I will give them what they love the most. Thank you.

Hans Kim, coming in. Powerful. Look at you. This is a new. new look, huh? Yeah. You decided to keep your fucking gigantic helmet on through the whole thing. Yeah, it kind of makes

my head even bigger than it already is. Yeah, kind of definitely does. I love this. I didn't know there was a fucking South Korean Power Ranger. This is very exciting. Is that GoPro on? No. I think I forgot to turn it on.

That would have been a great idea. Yeah, real missed opportunity there, Hans. Wow. Oops. Hans Kim, I feel like you right now look like the Mortal Kombat character who's finishing move only works on women. I can never finish with women,

but. Hans Kim. Hans Kim's in the fucking zone. How do you feel, Hans? How's this week been for you? It's been amazing, Tony. I went to New York City with you. I felt like the Prince of New York

with my with my, Daddy Tony You did good We had good work Four crazy ass Sold out shows Easy breezy ate a lot

Rested a lot Yeah A lot of Italian food With you We did We did the fucking Taurus trap We were like

Little boy blue In his fucking Gary Clark hat Over here We did the tourist Oh this guy's This guy I'm watching his soul

Leave his body It's incredible Oh he's fucking Red and bullied Right now I love it Man, that guy's headwear is ridiculous. Yeah.

I've been through this before. I've been too mean to people on this stage before. I feel like this guy's going to put out a video that's just tightly edited of mean stuff and say this is what this guy said to me during South Carolina Heritage Month. My sweet, sweet Hans Kim. Yeah, we had a lot of fun in New York.

At one point, I'll tell you guys this. A little inside information. Hans Kim closed the door in the green room and went pee, and it was so fucking loud. It was incredible. I don't think I've ever heard a P-stream quite as powerful as yours. Are you aware that you have a strong P-stream? Me and William were laughing very hard on the other side of the door.

I've heard this mentioned before to me. Now, do you think it's because you have a big penis or a big pee-hole? Because it sounded like you're hung, which is also your middle name, so that's pretty cool. Hans Hung Kim There you go That's the Asian word of the day Everybody when you hear that sound You have a big pee hole Hans

I have a big pee hole I think it's because I keep the pipes clean pretty regularly What does that mean? Mentored by R. Kelly I come a lot Oh, Hans Kamm over here. How do you do it? You have a girlfriend? What else do you do? How do you have so many releases, Hans?

I've been looking at some fine quality Japanese porn recently. Wow, you like Japanese porn. It's pixelated. Why do you like that? Because of the seduction. How they get from normal people to sex partners, I like that transition. So you like the story of Japanese porn? Yeah, I'm in it for the story. What are their stories like that's different from like American trash porn?

I guess it's more like they don't want it and then it... Oh, Jesus. Hans. Hansy. Are you accidentally admitting to watching rapey porn right now? Yes. Someone owes... Do you have like a favorite one?

Do you have... Yes. You do have a favorite one? What's that video? Where they owe the Yakuza a ton of fucking money. It's the massage porn. Sometimes there's like their husbands right next to them

and then they have sex with the masseuse. Wait, so massage porn is when a girl's getting a massage and the guy ends up doing more to her. Yes. And she's saying, oh, Jesus. You don't have to say yes like that. And then she starts saying no? Well, I don't really speak Japanese, but...

This is Texas. We just assumed that you all speak Japanese. Very interesting, but it feels like she's saying no to you. Yeah. That's an important part. Wow. That is so fucking frightening, huh? I'm pretty sure this video is going to be used against you in courtsome.

day. Hans, do you ever go to massage parlors? Do you ever get it? You know, the yester at a massage parlor? Well, my girlfriend might watch this, so no. What do you mean?

I would, but I have a girlfriend and she's very nice to me, so I try to be nice to her. That's great. Very good, Hans. That's great that you put that together like that. You know, sometimes hire a big Japanese massages

to come in and whatever. happens happens. I love it. Hans, I didn't realize you were so much like fucking Bobby Lee. Sean Watson. Perfect. Right on time. Right on time, Tony.

So you have a moped. You're out there. We finally know how you're going to die. This is very exciting. How's it been out there? You driving a moped? It's been fine. I've been taking the small roads avoiding Texans. The smaller

roads. Yeah. It was just like It's going to take longer, but it's like a fast bike. No ego, no stress. Wow. How are you going to live in a moped? That is true. Hans did famously live in his van, and now he only... Do you still have the van?

Yeah. Oh, okay. You ever drive the moped, like, up a ramp and into your van? If you refer to a 14-year-old girl as a moped. Oh. 18. Hans, you're a wild, wild boy. I love how you can get the show started every week with a minute of stand-up comedy. We all love you. That is Hans Kim.

Thank you, guys. That is Hans Kim. That is Hans Kim. That is Hans Kim. That just was Hans Kim. I'm pulling an aim out of the bucket for the first time tonight. You guys ready to get crazy? We're going to meet somebody together. Let's all meet together for the very very very. first time someone that goes by the name of Diego Segarra.

Diego Cigara. There he comes. One more time for Diego Cigara. Holy fuck. All right. How about all those scary people outside, huh? You know, they sure are bad vibes. It's like Halloween's over, guys.

You can chill out now. Ah, shit, I thought that was gonna get a standing ovation. standing ovation All right How about this one? I'm from the great country of Ohio if you can't already tell

it's great to be here on the big TV screen I know what you guys are thinking right now man this guy's really tall thank you oh shit I thought that was going to get

a standing ovation fuck all right um my next joke here it is called my dick Dwayne the Rockhart Johnson Are you guys just not in the mood

for standing ovations tonight What's going on here Oh shit There we go All right Diego Cigara Chris what do you think about this guy

You look like the black people outside kicked you out of being homeless It is true. I've never seen anybody that looks like a full-time Tonka truck driver before. Thank you. You are like a grown-up little boy or something like that. I can't decide exactly.

You could be literally any age. I wouldn't be surprised. Anything between 13 and 61, I would believe. Thank you. It's actually quite incredible. How old are you? I'm 25. 25.

That's actually the saddest answer that it could have been. Anything less would have been better. Anything more would have been better. 25's just depressing, dude. And his stepdad just left and he's the man of the house now. He loves standing on a step of this fucking guy. He looks like Sarah Silverman, like an undercover TV show. He's like Sarah Silver Boy.

Oh, look at you, you little guy. I love it, Diego. You're adorable. Oh, my God. You getting ready to do some work up at the North Pole with your big dog. Looks like the only racist elf on the North Pole. Diego, what do you do for work? I work at a data-intel communications company.

Oh, okay. A data-intel communications. Yeah, we put the computer wires inside buildings. Oh, okay, because you have such tiny hands. That's easy for you. Yes. I get it. I see why that would be good for you, Diego.

Where do you do that at? Where do you live? Columbus, Ohio. Wow, Columbus, Ohio. That's where you're born and raised? Yep. Yes, that's the sound of a winning college football program, everybody. Just to let you know, that's what that sounds like.

That's where I was born. That's where I grew up. What part of Columbus, Ohio? Oh, nice. Right now I'm in New Albany. Oh, you little bitch. Look at you, little rich boy. What are your parents?

What does your dad do for work? He works at the data and telecommunications company too. Oh. Wow. And then he just comes in in his pocket. Yeah. So he just fucking got you the job, huh? Yeah, you can say that.

Wow. Yeah. It must be easy to walk a mile in your father's shoes when they're size four and a half. Yeah, I did too much weed in elementary school. You did too much weed? Yeah. Yeah, I can tell. Because normally someone would say I smoked too much weed.

But when you say I did too much weed, that means that it really. really fucking stunted your growth. Did your dad buy you that weed? How else do you explain this boy bod that you have? What else? What's your diet like? What are you eating? I'm Puerto Rican. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I weigh a nice 110 pounds too.

All right. See, it's the opposite with Puerto Rican women. You know what I mean? Yeah. Big Cock country music. Below average cock comedy jokes. How long have you been doing stand-up, Diego? This is my first time.

Oh, come on. Put your hands together for Diego. That's adorable. Is this something you've always wanted to do while wearing sweatpants? No. Uh-uh. You know we can see your fucking little fucking Diego right there.

It's very obvious what exactly you're dealing with. When your dad bought you that outfit for work, this is not what he had in my. Why are you wearing on stage what girls wear to sleep it? You always dress like this, Diego? Oh, no, uh-uh. And what is the big cock country music hat that you're wearing? Just free advertising.

Are you a musician? What? No. You're just advertising another band? No, just my big cock. Are you saying that you have a big cock? Yeah, I wouldn't be smiling. Or is it just big on your body?

I wouldn't be smiling this much if I didn't. Extreme attention. It's three and a half inches long, everybody. When you're four foot one, that's basically 17% of your mass body index. I can show it right now if you want me to. No, nobody wants that. No, no, it's detachable. These people are from Iowa.

They can't handle that. These four people. I love it. Do you have a girlfriend, Diego? Yeah, I got a girlfriend. She's here tonight. Oh, really? She's on the lineup.

How big's the cock? She's walking funny right now You guys came here together You bought tickets? Yep Yeah No, we just signed up We didn't buy tickets

Oh, she signed up too If she got pulled She would have done her first time Ever here tonight Yeah Really? What's her name? Leila Ingalls

Layla what? Ingalls Engels? Yeah What a hillbilly name that is All right I gotta see it You stay up here, Diego

this is the kill-tony debut of Layla Ingalls everybody we're gonna see who is taking this car yeah I don't get this with the little penis shut up Diego here it is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Layla everybody oh shit they used the same notes come on one more time for Layla everyone I was afraid you were gonna do my jokes I was gonna be pissed Okay. Anyways, hi guys, I'm Layla.

I'm crazy how much this microphone looks like my magic wand. I kind of want to put it down there and go to town. This is actually a magic wand. It would grant me some better jokes. Or orgasms. So I got my blood drawn the other day. The artist did a really good job. I'm a woman.

I was born a woman. and it's really hard to be a woman because at least once a day you hear ma'am I'm gonna rape you my last joke was gonna be Diego has a big cock I'm just kidding oh my god

oh my god not only does she come up here and literally do four times better than him but at the very end the final sword is just saying what we already knew that Diego's fucking packing

blanks down there. Chris Vega, what do you think about what just happened? I thought her pet name for him was Magic Wan. Hey, that's a good point. So let's talk about it. That's your first time doing stand-up. This is my third time doing an open mic. I'm so nervous. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Cold, too. It made me feel better saying that I just had to get it out there. What? I just had to get it out there. Then I was nervous. I'm sorry, move on. You're okay. I will move on.

What do you do for a living? I'm a waitress. I've been a waitress since high school. Okay. Very, very good. He's also a waiter serving up that big cock. I'm still waiting on one of his punchlines. It's been...

I ordered 20 minutes ago. Layla, it is incredible how much funnier you are than your boyfriend. Oh, my God. You live in Columbus, Ohio as well, obviously? I do. We live together. but I was born and raised in Dayton, Ohio. Okay.

Like 10 minutes away from Yellow Springs. Okay. So I know Dave Chappelle everybody. Oh, wow. Okay. So you guys live together in what kind of dollhouse exactly? Do you guys live in? In an apartment.

We actually took all the feet off of our furniture, so they're lower to the ground. Oh, my God. Dude. Oh, my God. She is burying you right now, dude. She is burying you right now, dude. She is burying.

I don't care how big your dick is. It is inside of you right now. That thing is fucking maximum tiny. I could see how you two get along, though, because your sweatpants is revealing as her brawless... Oh, yeah. It's cold in here. Here's where my nipples are, everyone.

It's almost like he was like, babe, if you wear that shirt, I'm going to wear my fucking dick-showing sweatpants. I love it. What's the craziest thing you two have ever done in the bedroom? How long have you been together now? Oh, it's been like four and a half years. Okay, so I gotta know. You two are young bucks.

You're out there. You're in your early 20s. What are you guys doing when you're not fucking searching for Pokemon? If by Pokemon, you mean threesomes. We are searching for that. But the craziest thing we've ever done. A three-sum would mean you need two more men. But what's the craziest thing you have done?

Not these hopes and dreams that you have of being fulfilled. Probably. We got this concoction. that, like, ties my wrist to my heels, and then I'm in this... I'm in this crazy position. I can't move, and then he takes my magic one. There's something that goes around your wrist,

and then your ankles. Yeah, so it's, like, ass-up face. So they're the same height. Yeah. And then what? You're just stuck on your belly? No, I'm, like, stuck ass-up face down, and then he'll take some toys and do shit to me.

He takes some toys and then drives them around the apartment. He just starts playing it's a rattler Yeah you just tire up and then have all the fun to yourself I fucking love it Absolutely incredible so hand the mic off to Diego Now I'll ask you Diego what do you think is the wildest thing You two have done sexually in all your ears together Um

Fuck I don't know There's a puppy for some of it's say probably coming on her face I think that's pretty disrespectful Did you have a ladder? He was playing fireman. It's all good. He just shot on his hand and then flung it at her. Spider-Man. Amazing stuff. You guys are adorable. God bless the state of Ohio.

Congratulations on your first times. You want to catch these? Those are real joke books by the great bonsai. Oh, man. Thank you. Make some noise for Lately. and Diego Cigara, everybody. Leila Ingalls, Diego Sergara. Back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun yet, huh?

Fucking better be. All right. Oh, we know this young lady, very funny comedian from the great city of New York City, now lives here in Austin, Texas. Put your hands together for Leonardo Joanie. Leonardo Joanie. Let's get in

Mix on a Thanks for Leonardo, everybody What's up, guys? I'm a conspiracy theorist Anybody else in here Like the truth? I don't trust the government for shit I don't care what they tell me

They're like, hey, you should drink 8 glasses of water a day I'm like, why? What's in the water? Is this why everybody's gay? Because I'm not having it. you understand?

Some of you guys are like, but I'm gay. Stop drinking the tap water. What do you want me to tell you? I used to believe in UFOs. Anybody believe in UFOs? Aliens? I was right there with you.

And then Hillary Clinton said they're real. And I said, nope, those shits are demons. No wonder they're so into anal. You guys upset that that vaccine's not working? I was pretty disappointed. You know, I made a lot of plans. I signed my dad up for his fifth booster, but the fuck are still alive.

I'm gonna get out of here. I love it. Leonardo Joni. I love it. I love it. I love watching people like me that came from very, very liberal places and slowly Texas just turns you into a monster.

I absolutely love it. I feel the same. I literally not only agree with you, but honestly, I'm fucking a little bit jealous. of that fucking Hillary joke about UFOs. That shit's amazing because she's the worst human being on planet Earth. Yeah.

If I say it four more times, I'm going to kill myself. Leonardo, you're amazing. A true professional comedian, you did it again. How's life going? You've been on the show multiple times. Always a fucking destroyer. What's happening? It's good.

I mean, I got banned on Instagram. Oh, shit. What happened there? She's like if 4chan made a girl's opinions in a lab. I did a trans baby sketch and they didn't like it. So they were like, get out of here, you bitch. Wow. A trans baby sketch.

I was babysitting my friend's baby. And then I was like, let's make a fucking video together. That's amazing. Last time I heard of someone trying that, it was Tiffany Haddish and Ari's Spears. And it did not go so well. Was that Instagram that took it away or child protective services? No, I still got the baby. We're good.

You got the baby. I love it. What else is going on in your world, Leonardo? You're a real comedian. You're out there doing spots all the time. Yeah, I'm trying, working, you know. Yeah. Remind us how long you've been doing it again?

It's been about three and a half years. Three and a half years. You started in New York, did it there for a couple years. How long have you been in Austin now? About a year and a half. Tell us what you love about Austin. You've been here a year and a half. Try to explain it to the rest of the country if you can.

Okay, so I like that I don't have to think about what I'm going to say when I do my jokes. You know, like in New York, I was like, is somebody going to try to kick my ass after this trans joke? You know, here I'm like, somebody's going to ask me out after this joke. It's true. Comedy is better here. There's no doubt about it. Here someone's going to kick the trans person's ass after your joke. Yeah, I never seen.

somebody that looks so much like they're into pegging that hated gay people that much. I love it. Do you have Info Wars thong on right now? Dude, that's my jam, man. That's my fucking jam. I do. I know. I get it.

I'm with you. Yeah. Absolutely. What else, Leonardo? What else about Austin that's non-comedy related? Like, what's something that you love about this place? Is there anything new in your routines? This is going to be very surprising to everybody,

but I happen to like nature, okay? I like, look at Red Band's phrasing. Yeah, Red Band doesn't leave the house. I like that there's all this, like, nature stuff you could do, you know what I mean? And, I mean, we have Central Park in New York, but you're always like, eh, am I going to get molested, you know? Right. All this nature talk sounds like someone's been drinking the tap water.

And Leonardo, you think. famously, are you still with your boyfriend? No. No, newly. How long were you two together? It was like almost four years. Yeah, we broke up in July. Okay.

What happened there? Was that mutual? Or what? I think, well, you know, we just, we were like on different wavelengths. And I was like. He recycles. He was. I just think we got to the point.

We were kind of like going back and forth for like the last year. He's a great guy. I got nothing bad to say about him. Right, right, very good. Now, how's your new dating life going? It's really rough out here, tell me. There are no men left. Right.

There are no men. I know. I know. I understand. It's out of control. I went. Tony, what do you mean you know? I get it.

I get it. There's no good men anymore. I know. It's all boys. We need. A real man. We just met a real man. Him and his chick are looking for a threesome,

if that does anything for you. You met two girls. Leonardo Joanie. Have any of these comedians been hitting on you? All the time. Right. I had no idea. And you don't ever give in that temptation.

I mean, come on, Tony. Come on. Have we seen the pool? Have we seen the talent pool? Right. Yeah. Like the last guy that was up here. I mean, no, I just don't like to do that because it gets messy.

Right. And then you've got to be like, oh, can I be on your show? Remember that time? I did a favor. Right. Yeah, absolutely. I get it. Comedy's wild.

I love it, Leonardo. A great news. You know, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. 10 o'clock. Boom. Just got booked on a real show. Make some noise for Leonardo Joni, everybody. There she goes.

That's a real professional right there. Make some noise for, that's the future right there. All right. Pulled another name out of the bucket. We're all going to meet him together. Make some noise from Michael Francis, everyone. This is Michael Francis. How many of you like when comedians do good on this show?

How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Makes some noise. One more time for Michael Francis, everybody. I really came here. Not even expecting to get on the stage. I've seen a bunch of white people outside. and was like, it looks like I could just sell them some weed.

So, I ended up on the stage. I got three daughters. Women, that's what they teach me about the most. Same, same, same, same. Hey, you've never been in the car with four women hungry at the same time. Straight bitches, man. God.

And I'm big, no boys. There was no boys, too. So my daughter came home one day. She said, Daddy, I think I like girls. Oh, man. My heart dropped. What up? No, that's all I got.

Are you sure? Follow me on Instagram, ASAP, Mike, three years. Oh, shit. Are you plugging shit right now, dude? Shit. Oh, man. my god holy shit bro

all right okay let's go Michael how are you first of all how do you feel like that went shit you're talking about tiny dick you feel like my dick went in my body right now yeah

yeah we all feel the same way right now after this Leonardo's is gonna you look like shaggy if it wasn't me was about killing her family. Yeah, I don't know exactly where to begin with you,

Michael. You look like if the weekend had a rough weekend. Michael, where are you from? From Newburn, North Carolina, 252. Oh, shit. All right, the very rare 252, everybody.

Five two. From the great state of North Carolina. Go Tar Hills. Absolutely. Absolutely. Michael Francis. And how long have you been trying stand-up comedy? Shit, I just told you. I just came out here to sell weed the

wifos. Pay attention. I can only understand half the shit you say, Michael. I'm sorry. I don't speak North Carolinian. So let's talk about it. What do you do for a living? How do you make money, Michael? Oh shit. Retired out the military. Okay, he's a fucking hero. All right. Look at that. I was wondering why you had a grenade shell as a haircut. That's exciting.

It's very, looks like you have some shrapnel in there still. Where'd you serve? Russia. Man, Fort Bragg, North Carolina. You just stayed in North Carolina the whole time? Yeah, that's what they just said. Fuck it, man. Did you really serve in the military? Did you just buy a camouflage outfit one day?

What are we talking about here? I'm like, where did you serve? He worked at a bar. He was like Chili's for a week. Then they fired me. What did you do for the military exactly? Shit. I can't tell you on the stage.

Yeah, you can't. It's secret? Shit, man. The Army would be mad if I told you I didn't do shit. Wow. An American hero, ladies and gentlemen. Incredible. Just like many of the great soldiers,

quote, he didn't do shit. Incredible. Absolutely. What did you learn when you were in the military? What kind of military is this, by the way? Are you talking about Eagle Scouts? What is this? Thank you, Red Band.

You know, the United States Army. You're clapping, like you've been in the Army before. Is this? My brother's in the Army. Very good. Wow. Fuck, yeah, absolutely. Radar. Michael, so what do you do for fun?

Are you just visiting Austin? I know, I live out here. When did you move here? Shit, I moved out here about two years ago. Two years ago. And with your kids? Yeah, yeah, yeah. All three of them.

Full-time dad. Full-time dad. I love it. And you're still with the baby mama? Yeah, that's my wife. That's your wife. Yeah, yeah. Okay, what does she do?

She does hair. She does hair. Wow. That is literally unbelievable. And she must be the worst fucking hairstylist of all time. This is incredible. His pubs are immaculate though.

I mean, holy fucking shit, dude. You look like you let fucking D-Madness style your hair. That is incredible. Hey man, I'm bringing it back. D-Madness literally has cooler hair than you do. It's incredible. No, don't fucking, don't do that, Michael. Don't do that.

So stupid. Ignorant. Stupid. Now I hate you. You slipped up, Michael. All right. Michael, is there anything interesting about your life whatsoever?

You have any special skills or talents or anything like that? You good at anything? Man. Snoop Dog can outsmoke me. Yes, he can. Yes. he can. This is one of those

punk-ass things to say about somebody that's great at something. That means I'm greater. I fuck good. I got three fuck trophies. You have what? Three fuck trophies. Three fuck trophies?

What does that mean exactly? Zero pull-out trophies. Oh, I see. Fucking kids. You think kids are a trophy. Were you fucking your wife while she gave you the haircut. It is true.

I do believe he's good at sex because of the hair. This looks like a guy that fucks for like 12 hours a day. Wow, man. Incredible. Incredible. Also, bragging about fucking your wife's funny.

Fuck this girl's so good. Big tits, mother, my kids. Michael, what's the part of North Carolina that you're from famous for? What's it like known for? Shit, Nicholas Sparks is from there, I think. Oh, the Great Nicholas Sparks, of course. The William Shakespeare of North Carolina, indeed.

You know, white folks love Nicholas Sparks. Okay. What do you write? What? I have no idea who you're talking about. Dear John, right? Dear John. You don't even know what the guy famous in your hometown did.

That is incredible. Okay, Michael. It was nice to meet you, man. Congratulations. Here's a little something for you. Catch that. Absolutely. And onward we go. Well,

let's fucking turn this show up to another level right now. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to bring up another regular on this show that moved here from Los Angeles to Austin, Texas, one of the great writers, one of the great roasters of Planet Earth. Make some noise for David motherfucking Lucas, everybody.

Yeah. I don't fuck with girls that use words like love bombing, toxic masculinity, gaslighting, or you rape me. Like, what do you mean I raped you? You never said no. Like, you're going to tell me you're talking your sleep now, bitch? Like, what the... Girls are like, I can't believe you raped me. Like, I didn't rape you, bitch. You were drunk and I took advantage of you. There's a big difference. Like, these kind of girls, they just don't understand my love, man. Like, they don't. Like, they don't. Like, Like you only said no two times.

Everybody knows rape is not to the third no. It's like beetle juice. All right, that's my time. Fuck yes. The great, the powerful, David Lucas. Coming in with a rock solid, brand new minute of material, as always. Welcome, welcome, David. How you doing this week?

How you feeling? I'm chilling, Tony. You dressed like the midnight booty snatcher. Oh, my God. God, how dare you? Yeah, bro. I love what you got going on on the top of your head. I didn't realize fucking...

I don't even know, actually. I don't even know where to begin with that. That is incredible. You got Ryan Long and some other gay white guy next to you. This motherfucker got a pink pizza hat. What the fuck is this? Listen, I'm not surprised David's funny because he does look like Patrice O'Neill

in a wearing a fatter suit. That was horrible. I'm horrible. I hope they never let you're right fuck fuck they might not never let you with that bullshit motherfucker all right Ryan Long

let me introduce you to my friend David wide how about this everyone thinks the chick fillet is closed on Sunday for religious reasons it's just because he goes there Saturday Ryan you look like

Travis Barker you look like Travis Barker Gabe you can't win with this guy you got to let him I'll let him make fun of you back just because your joke didn't work doesn't mean you get to step all over.

Yeah, bro, fuck it. Gay ass. I've always heard the term gray area, but I've never known what they were talking about until I saw the shirt that you're wearing today. I mean... Tony, why your face red? You let some man sit on it?

Wait, what? Your face is red as shit. It's red? Hell yeah, boy, you look like an uncooked turkey, nigga. Well, we know what you do with those. You cook them and then eat them continuously And then sleep And then wake up and eat some more

Make sandwiches out of it You got a thousand miles on your feet For marching for gay people You have zero miles on your Fitbit I got him hitting his vapeen Look at this looks like Mount Vesuvius is going off over here It's fucking It's just smoking ash all over the stage

right now. Why is the middle guy not roasting but he was roasting everybody else? Come on, bro. What the fuck, right? You fucking cross-fit instructor. I'm honored to be roasted by Uga-Bugga from Nightmare

Before Christmas. Boy, your ass got gay step-dady energy, niggas. Shut your ass up. You look like one of the turnums from Mario 2 in Blackface. You look like a homosexual arm wrestling champion, nigga.

That motherfucker's only he only wrestled gay niggas. Get your ass up. by to him, boy. I am. Yeah, boy, you make dildos by hands with them

arms, nigga. And they be pulling it out. You need three more inches. You got it. You got it, boy. Fucking swollen John Woodke. It's called jelking. It's a good way to make your penis longer,

all right? Holy shit. Look at the blue-ass arms, boy. What'd you say? Goofy. Shut up. Everybody at this table needs to completely shut up.

You laugh and you sit there. I wish the camera was on you so we can roast your goofy-looking ass. That motherfucker looks like a Native American pedophile. He does. He does. That motherfucker be sneaking in the tip-piece. We need to seize a kid. He feels a real high-ye-ah-ah-ha.

Very good. Back to Ryan Long. You fucking flamboyant, ostrich-looking motherfuckerucker. That's three gay jokes in a row. Is that the formula? Gay jokes are his bread and butter, which is also his bread and butter. I've been sitting on that one for years. That was a good one, Tony.

We know what you don't represent. Straight men. Oh, come on. You're not straight yourself. You're pretty curvy. I don't know if you know this. David doesn't touch his own dick, not for straight reasons. Just can't see it.

This motherfucker. is writing comedy on a fucking live podcast. Get your long neck ass out of here, motherfucker.

I can't win. I'm all for two with David Lucas. This motherfucker look like a human my nemesis. Daddy longlegs spider boy. Get your dumb ass up out of here.

There are, we've lost a lot of comedians to suicide. Ryan might be the first public suicide we've seen here. I think I'm just going to go gay. So when he calls me gay,

I'll be like, uh, yeah, what now? And you look like you crying when, Aaron Carter died. My boy, my sweet, sweet boy is all grown up.

You are correct. He does look like he cried when Aaron Carter died. I lost my partner. He does look like a homosexual arm wrestling champion. That boy got UK pop band hair. Get your ass him out of here, boy. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

My God, David, you are an unstoppable course. What else is going on in life? Plug something. Oh, shit. I'm in Tampa at side splitters December the 16th and the 17th. Oh, shit. Oh, this whole table going to be there. There we go.

Help me saw that motherfucker out, dog. Side splitters. That's also what your pants do when you bend over. Tony, your nickname is ass splitters. Get the fuck up out of here. Tony, you can sit on a stump and tell us how old that tree was. The only stump I'm going to be sitting on is when you lose your foot to diabetes and I sit on your leg. Tola, you're the only nigga that remove Hornet's nest with his pants down.

What's crazy about that one is not only is it funny, but I actually do that sometimes. I remove people's hornets. This is the dumbest show at all the time. You got to love it. I can't believe we do this every week. It's fucking insane. When Fauci had a poster for Monkeypox, it was your face on it. Oh my God.

Oh. Hey, tell Tony to get that booty six feet. How dare you? I can't do the rebuttal that I want to on that one, but it does involve the word monkey. And it would have been a good one.

But I didn't do it. Do it, bro. I don't give a fuck. I know you don't give a fuck. It's the white liberals visiting from Southern California that I'm afraid of. One of the best in the world, see him, support them, represent the great David Lucas,

everybody. Holy shit. Jesus Christ, Almighty. My kill Tony Nemesis. My God. He's the best. He's literally the best. He's a priest. Back to the bucket. We go. You guys ready for more

strangers? Okay, we know this young lady. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Christina Mariani, everybody. Here she is, everybody. Christina Mariani, everyone. Hi. I was really nervous, so I had a few drinks, and then I drove here.

And I don't know why they say your reaction times are slower when you drive drunk, because I hit those kids just fine. I'm not super sexually experienced, but, you know, I met a guy that I wanted to hook up with, but I was nervous, so I asked my friend for advice.

I go, so what should I do, you know, in bed during a one-night stand? And she just looks at me and she's like, what do you mean? You're a girl. Just starfish. I was like, all right, huh? Sounds exotic. What's that? And she was like exactly what it sounds like. So, you know, later that night I meet up with the guy and, you know, and he's like, he's like,

he's like into it right he's like oh this is hot and I'm like go ahead finish it no this is Patrick very good thank God huge payoff in the end

that's good that's good Christina Mariani welcome back to the show you've been on a few times you were discovered by Red Band here and you got a lot you've been doing a lot of spots on literally almost

every single one of the Thursday shows Red Band books you and puts you on in the middle of the lineup right before him and then follows you with some creepy joke that never works what is it again? She escaped the kidnapping or something?

It's horrible. Christina. I'm his babysitter. Wait what? I'm his babysitter. Oh, that's what it is. Yeah. Literally the audience is always like what? And then he goes on but he thinks it works, it's good.

Christina, let's talk about it. How long you've been doing stand-up? A year and a half now. Year and a half. All of it here in Austin? Is this where you're born and raised? No, I was born and raised in Stockton, California. Stockton, California.

Indeed, our good friends, the Diaz brothers are from there. Absolutely. The 209, not to be confused with North Carolina's 252. I love it. So you survived Stockton. place is wild and now you're here. What do you love about Austin? Oh, just there's always something new to do and everyone is really nice and yeah. Why do you think you have this demeanor all the time? I just get really nervous talking in front of people. I feel like one-on-one I'm a lot

less awkward, but I think just when I get into these situations is, it makes me nervous. Oh, God! D. Motherfucking Madness with the great advice of closing your eyes. Absolutely incredible. Christina, you've been on this show.

Tell us something about your life during this interview portion that we've never talked about before. Give us something interesting. Maybe something that's happened to you or from your life or your family or something. Well, I feel like I have a drunk alter ego. Yeah.

Maybe everyone does, but mine gets really crazy, you know. Like, I got kicked out of a club in Vegas recently for rushing the stage. Yeah. What show was this? Oh, I don't remember. Whoa. I just got a little bit crazy, and I just thought it would be fun because I didn't want to be on the dance floor anymore. Wow.

So they escorted you out of the show? Well, I tried to run away. That was the part that I was. thing got me kicked out. They tried, they were like, sorry, you can't do that, and I just sprinted in the VIP area and was just jumping on tables. Do you remember what kind of show it was? Was it rap?

Yeah, no, it was EDM. It was EDM. Okay. Very, very good. And what were you? You were just on alcohol? Yeah, just on alcohol. And how much did you drink before doing this? Well, my friend made me a drink, and I think that was the mistake. Your friend made you a drink? No, no, it was a girl.

Don't worry. He was in a great. Was it a lesbian girl? I don't think so. The EDM soundboard is out now. You've got to look out. We've seen this before, ladies and gentlemen. It is a real thing. All right.

Did this DJ just have a dancing bear head on by chance? No, no. I don't know. I didn't even see the DJ. So what else? When you're drinking like this, and you said your friend made you a drink. Is that what it takes to get you that fucked up?

I just feel like it was like mostly vodka, and I had just flown in. So I feel like when you fly, it kind of gets you fucked up just flying, you know, like the altitude. He's going to be telling the judge that story. Okay. So are there other things that you've done while getting blacked out drunk that are embarrassing?

Well, I'm blacked out, right? So I don't know. You don't find out or remember the next day? or anything like that? I just kind of like piece it together but it's never anything that bad. I guess I got kicked out of the dancing piano bar

because again I was jumping from piano to piano. Oh shit. Oh my goodness. How often do you get this drunk? Not often. Not often at all. I can probably remember just a handful of times and that's why.

Right now Red Band's already starting to make the drink he's going to give you on Thursday. This is very exciting. I would love to have you babysit my girlfriend tonight in Flugerville. I think she's younger than me. Yeah, right? Yeah.

You guys are wild. Ladies and gentlemen, I would love to have you on the secret show of course. Okay, thank you. Thank you. I'm gone right. Yeah. There she goes. Make some noise for Christina Mariani, everybody.

All right. Make some noise for your next comedian, Joe Krizek, everyone. Joe Krizek. Or Krizek? K-R-I. Z E.K. You guys having fun out there still? Here he is Joe Krizzick, everybody.

Yo, yo, yo, what up, D. J.K. Joe Krizy. We want to get straight to the point and talk about the moral the Chris Rock slash Will Smith pounding. No, I'm not talking about you and me, baby. Letta tonight. That's where tomorrow.

I'm talking about the way. Jim Carrey's reaction had on him and the way the world's reaction on Jim Carrey after he rebed Jennifer or I like to say blissfully smothered upon her lashes lips upon thy silver stone oh the backlash and the world and the universe and to infinity and brand type of energy made my poor Jim Carrey retire I'm, who's him tar. But with a negative, there is a patidiv. Wow.

Joe Krizik, everybody. I've always wondered what it would be like if Adderall had a baby with mediocrity. Absolutely incredibly bad. Yeah, you're the worst, dude. Where are you from? Grab the microphone, you fucking garbage idiot. I'm a high little bitch, man.

Okay. I'm from, Joe. I'm from Manitouk, Wisconsin. Where? Manituan. Oh, wow. The home of the Avery's of making a murder fame. Oh, I never realized the importance of that.

I've only been asked, like, twice. Right, okay. He's like a pedophile that gets into Pickup Street because he's afraid of talking to the kids. He looks more like one of the kids that gets... Hey, buddy. I wouldn't change a thing. I thought that act was incredible, personally.

Oh, thank you. Thank you, my friend. So good that Ryan Long's little brother could be here tonight. Joe, you don't have to respond. these things into the microphone. You're literally one of the least funny people that has ever been on the show in nine and a half years. Great, that's fantastic news. Thank you so much.

Stop talking. Maybe you didn't hear what I said. That it's a comedy show. So you're just filling time with blibidi blab, blubiddy blop. Doesn't really help anything. You get it, Joe? How long have you been doing standing? Yes.

I've been doing it for like three, four years, maybe five. Oh, God. I was really hoping years wasn't the word you were going to say. I've done it like twice and then I researched and they like played off life and then came back and did it twice a year. What trauma happened to you in your life that made you think that you're funny? That's it. Are your parents still together? I got a brain injury.

What? Are your parents still together? No, people with brain injuries are hilarious by the way. Yeah. I try to be, man. I try. Your parents are still together? No.

Really? What happened to them? They broke apart. How old were you when that happened? 20 20 that was going to be my guess 20 was the accident 20 years or older because it didn't affect your sense of humor yeah you see it's weird that's crazy I bet you're hilarious in manitowoc, Wisconsin yeah yeah manitwock yeah very good what do you do for work Joe? I am the long orange steakhouse a host with the most oh god oh my god

He's the guy who tells the other waitresses they need more flare. Joe, is there anything interesting about you? You have any special skills or talents or something? D. Bandis is about to beat you with this blindstick. Oh, man. That's the sound of laughter, Joe. I don't know if you hear that, but it's a wacky noise that people make. Wow, so you're trying this, like, weird thing that Andy Kaufman was good at.

like 40 years ago, but you don't have it. Shoot. You need timing and beats and common sense and understanding of how... I think it's autism, Tony. It's not. It's not. I'm sick of us blaming autism. This is a dumb fuck.

That's what this is. That used to be a thing. 10, 15 years ago, you used to go, oh, that guy sucks. Now it's like, oh, you might be autistic. And I'm not giving you that. Definitely not artistic. I'm not giving you Dr. Redband's diagnosis on this.

I think you fucking suck, Joe. Yes, that makes sense, man. I don't want there to be any confusion here. Hold on, do you want a second opinion? You fucking suck, dude. Oh, do I? Really? You made him lose his blind powers to open his cane,

you suck so fucking much. You fucking suck, dude. For those of you just listening to the podcast, D-Madness just cartwheeled off the stage to get away from all those. Joe, there's nothing. There's nothing we could do with you, buddy. Okay.

There he goes. Joe Krizzak, everyone. There he goes. Not even a small joke book. We'll make its way back to Wisconsin. Hell yeah. I like this guy's style. All right, thank you, thank you, thank you.

How about one good boo for Joe? Anybody with me? That's as bad as it gets right there, I promise. Makes noise for your next comedian. Out of the bucket. Anything can happen, obviously. It's Mel Safie, everybody. Mel Safi, perhaps.

Oh, here comes Mel, everyone. Come on, everybody. Make some noise for Mel. I'm obviously pregnant, so I couldn't do as much cocaine as that guy. It's not good that I'm pregnant, though. This is going to be a third fucking kid in my house. And when I found out I didn't know what to do,

the nearest abortion clinic is 282.9 miles away. Not that I check. It is a boy for now. These days, I don't have a name for him yet. And my daughter, she's so sweet. She really wants to name him Jack. I think it's a great name, except my last name is Sophie. Jack Soffy.

Jack Soffy. It took me a while, and I put it together. And now I have no idea how to tell her that we are not naming him Jack. Enough about little fleshlight. I want to talk about my husband's here tonight. He is the bomb, and not just because he's from Afghanistan. Seriously, his name is Amza Muhammad, and traveling with him is a pain in the fucking ass.

All right, all right. Mel Safi. An absolutely adorable performance. Super likable. You took your time. You have common sense. That's incredible. What a wild relief.

I can't tell whether you're great or just going up after that last guy is amazing. You know how to do it. How'd you get pregnant three times if you don't know how to fucking put the cord back in the thing? Jesus Christ. Do what Muhammad did to your pussy. I got it. I got it.

I got it. So who'd you, you said that the guy that you travel with is named what? Amza Muhammad Safi. Oh my God. Wow. Wow. And this is the father of your three children.

Yes. The first one's my stepdaughter, but he is the father of all three of them. Okay. With a name like that, what is his ethnicity? His dad's from Afghanistan and his mom's white, so he's a half-gand. Shit, that's incredible. Incredible. And he's hoping the baby's born on September 11th?

I fuck with you not Our first date was on September 11th Wow Look at that And he rammed his plane into your World Trade Center Huh? Incredible Absolutely incredible

That's how these guys do it You think you get to a little building seven On his birthday? Yeah A little bit of that falling tower Mel, where'd you meet this guy? How do you end up with a Muhammad? We met on Bumble here in Austin

when I moved here. Are you sure he wasn't on Bumble? That's incredible. In Afghani on Bumble. And you're like, okay, this sounds dangerous. Did you pat him down before the date? So where was this first date at? He actually took me to Uchi here in Austin.

Oh. Okay, yeah, that's a sushi place. It's like the seventh best sushi place in the whole city. Incredible. I love it. And you guys had fun. Did you guys hook up that night? We didn't fuck, but we kissed and had a...

I knew he was the one that night. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. Now, did you only just kiss because with all the pubes, you couldn't find his dick, or... Because these people don't just hide in the bush. They have it.

You know what I'm saying? Those Afghanis. Those Afghanis are wild, man. These fucking people. Did he try to climb right into your cave? Did he try to Osama, you're bin Laden? All right, stupid. Yeah, hopefully the baby didn't mess up the pussy

because he's got a life hack to get a lot of virgins. Hell yeah. It's absolutely. Mel, what do you do for work? I quit my job a couple months ago, so nothing. I'm a mom. Okay, full-time mom. How about Muhammad?

What does he do for work? He does tech sales. You think he does tech sales. Welcome to another episode of Your Husband is a terrorist. Yeah, I think he does tech sales He's on his computer all the time You know, he's always taking flight lessons Oh my God, he actually is taking flight lessons

Oh shit I'm fucking worried Somebody called the FBI Instead of killing Tony We're going to be saving lives here tonight Oh my God This guy's taking fucking flight lessons This is absolutely incredible

It's just out here knocking up our women and taking flight lessons. Absolutely amazing. What's your guys' setup? You live here? Yeah. Here in Austin, Texas, right? How long have you lived here? I moved here five and a half years ago.

Five and a half years ago. From where? I'm from Miami, but I lived in D.C. for a little bit. How'd you end up in D.C. for a little bit? I was a teacher for a long time, and then I just wanted, as a teacher, you can kind of move around, and I just got tired of Miami and wanted somewhere different. Went to D.C.

Does this Afghani guy have any special moves in the bedroom? Is there anything wild that he does that you're not used to with American men? Is there some type of like magic carpet ride or something that he does? He does take me to a whole new world every time. Hey! Hit that one.

No? Oh, you're going to wait. Okay. All right. I wonder what it's going to sound like when the baby comes out, huh? What do you think that baby's going to sound like? Red band?

I love it. Mel, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? Not talents, no. You signed up tonight. Is this your first time doing stand-up? I didn't even ask. This is my fourth time. You're amazing. You're so good. The first time I ever did stand-up, I was at Joe Rogan's show. Oh, wait. Are you the lady that heckled?

Oh, my God. That's you. That's incredible. What happened, Tony? No, yeah, this was like a very interesting situation where after we did a long night of stand-up comedy during Joe's Q&A, why don't you tell your version of it? I was at Joe Rogan's show and he did a Q&A at the end of it. I had him caught up to that part. It's like a Tarantino movie or something like that.

Pan and I said, what advice do you have for someone who'd like to try stand-up? So he told me to get on stage. And you know how much I love bombs, so it was awful. And then two weeks later I wanted to make up for how terrible I did So I like rehearsed and like actually wrote material She bombed really really really really hard that first time

Because she's like I want I've always wanted to do standup He's like come up here he did the coolest thing He's literally like come up here see what it feels like And she came up and she fucking ate it I remember that because I was watching from the green room All we have is a screen up there And I'm like what the fuck is going on down there? Went home decided to be a mother

And then a few months later Two weeks later Okay, wow, all right He did another show, you were here He called you back up and you did an actually really good set Yeah How did that feel? It was amazing, I felt so grateful that he remembered me

And gave me the opportunity again So two of the four sets are on stage with Joe Standing behind you And where are the other two at? Well, this is the fourth, the third. one is at a place called Pershing here in Austin. Oh, Pershing. That sounds about Ray with the people that you hang out of.

We actually have Joe on the line right now. Joe, what do you think about everything that's going on here right now? Ooh, this is getting crazy. Oh, okay. It's very, very interesting. What would you recommend for Mel

at this point in our comedy career? If I go to UFC. That's so stupid. The soundboards are tarted. Have you thought about naming your kid Joe? Tony Joe. Really? Is that true? No.

All right, well, yeah. You are the problem. Thank you, Joe. Mel, when's the baby coming out? March. March. Very, very good. Absolutely. I love it. I love your energy. I love your performance.

Take one of these big joke books from the Great Bonesi. Absolutely. There she goes, Mel Safi, everybody. You guys think we should go to this bucket one more time. Here we go. I'm reaching deep. I'm mixing it up. I'm trying to figure out how the magic can help us here.

Austin Tower. This is going to be good, believe it or not. That's a good sign. Austin Tower. Some big loos coming from the balcony I get the feeling he's going to be coming from this way Yoni All right The long trip to the stage here he is Austin Tower

Fuck yeah Austin So I should tell you all I've got trust issues my wife tells me all the time They stem from my father I'm not going to lie My whole life we had a good relationship But two years ago he died from Lou Gehrig's disease and my whole fucking life

I had no idea that the motherfucker played baseball fuck you, here's my dad so I am married like I said my wife tells me all the time she reminds me but we're a blended family we've got a stepson and just calling my son though

because dad was never in the picture I told my wife I said you know when we first started day I said I'm never going to do that shit I'll be there every fucking time full disclosure she was a widow we met so oh fuck off it makes the

weekend so much easier there's not that awkward pass off hey man what's up that's it I'm Austin Tower thanks everybody Austin Tower this is fucking nuts

Is that your real name that is my real God-given name my brother's name is Houston Tower that is incredible I've never seen a tower that's four foot eight inches in the air I'm fucking 5-8 on a good day.

5-8 on a good day. Yeah, on a good day. You mean on a trampoline? Most of the time. It's hard to take the height at the top. You have to really time it out. Relax, Austin. Sorry, I'm excited.

I know you are. How old are you? 42 years old. How long have you been doing stand-up? I started in April, and I haven't been on stage this in September. I started Barbara College. You started what?

Barber College. Barber College. Yeah, I'm cutting hair. You should go find that black guy in the bed. Dude, okay, I'm the only white guy in the whole barber shop. You're right. Like, the only white guy. And I love it.

It's awesome. Absolutely. Okay. My boy. You don't know what I'm pointing at you, but whatever. He does. He fucking knows. I want to let you cut my hair like you.

Yeah. I just learned braids. But you're in dread. Giving brains? Yeah, I do braids. Braids. Not brain. No.

You don't like a black man, I'll do it all day. All right, all right. We're negotiating a haircut over here at this point. Austin, what do you do for fun? Man, since I retired last year from the fire department. Oh, you retired from the fire department? Yeah, I retired from the, I was a firefighter paramedic.

You were a firefighter? I thought you were more like the cat that got stuck in the tree or something like that. That was my rookie year. That was my rookie year. My goodness. What's the craziest thing you ever did? as a firefighter. I saved a cow from a river one time.

Whoa. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. I didn't realize Amy. Her husband was actually dead. Yeah. She was trying to tell jokes the whole time.

I was like, shut up and let me put this robe around you. I love it. Austin, you saved a cow from a river. I did. And it's calf. And it's calf. Wow. Yeah.

I don't want to brag. Very good. They're very grateful. They were. What else, Austin? Tell us more about your life. What makes you an interesting? person? Let's see. I'm a dad. I got two wonderful kids. I got a wonderful wife.

Yeah, she seems loud. She is. She's right up there. Way to go, babe. I appreciate you. Thanks for the love. Now, before I was a firefighter, I worked in music and entertainment for about 12 years. What you do in music and entertainment? Logistics and operations. I ran, I helped with outdoor music venues, did music festivals, things like that. Yep. We got it. That show. sex out. I love it. Where'd you meet this? Loud bag of bones up there. I actually met her. She was falling out of a car and I caught her. Wow. Yeah. And like, I caught her like that.

And she was like, hey, who are you? And I said, I'm Austin. And she said, well, I'm Steph. And it was kind of like, from that. That's gay as fuck, dude. Yeah. Totally. The only thing that would make it gayer is if there was a dick somewhere in the scenario. That story is so flaming. I'm going to. to have you put out the fire. Stop it. Stop. Tony, she just fell in my arms.

It's just like nothing I could do. It was kiss them at. Oh my goodness. Absolutely incredible. And you're like, this bitch is a klutz. Yeah, I better savor now and keep it that way. I love it. Yeah. Austin. You live in Austin.

No, my little brother Houston lives in Austin. I live in New Bromples. What? I'm not shitting you. My little brother, Houston. Your brother Houston lives in Austin, and I live in New Bromphels. Oh, my God. Dr. Houston Evil. Kind of close. Kind of close.

He's in politics, so he's a lawyer, so it's close. Houston Power. Tower, like a building. Right, Houston Tower. I know Austin Tower. Any other weird names in your family? Any Dallas's or fucking Corpus Christi's or anything? No, Chad bastard.

We're from Corpus Christi, but. Wow. No, we ask the family to politely stop. with the geography lessons and I love it. Just go with names like Apple and shit like that. I love it. Absolutely incredible.

What's your house like? It's you, the lady, and the two kids? I got my wife, two kiddos, two dogs, a cat, and a rabbit. Holy shit. Yeah, fucking A. It's a lot of food and shit everywhere. All right.

Jesus, Dr. Doolittle. I'm telling you right now. Crazy. thing in your refrigerator. Ah. I've got frozen duck livers marinating in

yeah, frozen duck livers. That's a good answer. That checks out as well. I like flog raw, so. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. Austin. You don't know, you don't have any musical talent

yourself though, right? I lightly, lightly play the guitar. Very, very little, though. But not enough to even know. No. wasn't going to, don't work. Well, thank you because it would have been embarrassing Austin, you're absolutely adorable. You seem

like a super fucking nice guy. Thank you. I appreciate that. On your performance. Here's a joke book. You ready for it? Good job. Thank you so much, guys. Austin Power, everybody. Thank you very much. Austin Tower, I'm sorry. You know what?

I know we all want to fucking put a ribbon on this thing, but I'm going to do something special. Before we get to our normal closer, I want to do something a little bit fun here. There's a guy that's been on the show a couple times. I want to see how it goes if we bring him up right now. This guy is

a Texas icon. Fresh from the oil fields. This is a new 60 seconds from Uncle Laser. This guy is real. What you're about to see is real. Y'all in for an absolute

fucking treat here. All right, you can tell by my haircut, I look like Hitler's wet dream. Okay? Great fucking time. All right, and you can also tell I probably look like Brad Pitt of the inbred community. And you can probably ask yourself, I bet that guy's swimming in pussy at the family reunions. Knee deep and relatable pussy, for sure.

No, but seriously, I only attract a certain type of female, okay? They're usually middle age, 30s, all the way up to 80. They're usually of gothic or emo descent. and they're usually single mothers. And I like single mothers a lot. They got good snacks. Pudding pops, orange slices, capric sons. I'm your fucking guy.

But I blame it on their snotting nose kids, eating them all. Because after I get done making sexual pleasures, I take my payment and snacks. And I blame it on them snoting those fucking kids. But I had one the other day get super aggressive with me. She messes me. She's from central Florida. She said, I got a Greyhound bus ticket

with your name on it, you come down here and blow my back out. And I said, ma'am, I might have been born just a plain white trash, but I ain't getting on no motherfucking greyhound bus. Now, if you make that a coach ticket from the Southwest, I'll be there in the morning. Blow your back out, put you in shambles. Uncle. Laser.

Bye-bow. Hey, Tony, Tony, real quick. On some real shit, though? I want to apologize. I was looking for a parking spot at the back of Vulcan, and I woke up that Joe guy from a dead sleep, that homeless kid that came up here. I've smoked meth out of a light bulb,

and that is exactly what it's like. Right, yeah. A hundred percent. Uncle Laser is real. What you're seeing is real. The first time I met him and saw him, I'm like, I don't know what the fuck that was. Yeah.

But I actually... you know, we run in the same circle, without a doubt, and one of the things that I've realized is that you're fucking real. Yeah, this ain't a character. And that was just 60 seconds of what being around him for 60 seconds is like. This dude rules so fucking hard. Yeah. I want to go work on a fucking oil field now, right?

Hey, baby boy. He's got fucking rules. Look at this asshole. You're in Austin 316 jersey? You're fucking Charzar belt buckle? Yeah, I got this at the flea market, dude. What are the tattoos? It's fucking crazy.

Yeah. This is the craziest thing I've ever seen in my fucking life. Can we be friends after this? You want to start a podcast, bro? How good's your credit? 7.50, bud. I'm fuck with you. Uncle Laser is a fucking absolute

goddamn machine. What you're seeing is real. He is if Beetlejuice was from Texas. Relax, dude. Relax. Always hit me with that Beetlejuice shit, man. Joe dirtier. You have an unbelievable energy to you.

Uncle Laser, tell us about what you've been up to lately. How's life out there on the oil field or something? Man, fuck that job, dude. I hate being out there. It's in the middle of New Mexico where dreams go to die. Clothesless convenience store is two hours away, horseback. Are you serious? I'm fucking dead serious, dude.

Look at me. It sucks dick. They used to fucking blow up nuclear warheads in the 50s underground, like where we drill. Like, when you cross over, it says there's nuclear waste, laying around. And I tell you what, I tell you what, I don't dream that much when I'm at home, like sleeping and shit, I don't have him dreams. You know what I'm saying? But when I, my stepdad told me there's no point. But when I'm out there, I dream, like, very, like, vividly, like super rapy, killing dreams. And that's really making me reevaluate my character choices.

You know what I'm saying? Regardless, I got good hair, though. Fuck y'all. He really does He really fucking does That shit is unbelievable I didn't even put any product in it today It just woke up and I felt this fucking good Feeling dangerous

Feeling fucking day Hide your mom, you know what I'm saying? Hell yeah I fucking love it So Uncle Laser You're out there fucking playing the field Slaying everything You talked about it during your set

Your most recent hookup What was that like? Just out of curiosity Well, fuck, Tony I got chlamydia If that's what you're asking Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, no, no, no She was a nice young lady from the National

She's an up-and-coming singer Yeah, whatever, dude, look Look, they want to fly in and hang out And have a shot at the people's title one time I'll give it to them You know what I'm saying? I don't discriminate I'm a people pleaser I fucking know what I'm saying

But I will say I do have an issue. There's an old lady that lives next to me, and this is a true story. The other day, her tree that is older than the dinosaurs, the root system got into my septic tank and there's shit all in my backyard. Oh. So Ethel, if you're fucking watching, I wrote that email to you. It was very professional. I have my mom read it.

Back to me. Okay? Because my mom was hooked on drugs. I never got hooked on phonics, okay? But it cost me $20,000 to fix everything. goddamn shitter system. And Ethel, if you don't start playing ball, motherfucker,

I'm going to get a couple of Mexican boys from the Home Depot. We're going to scoop that shit over the fence, put it in your backyard, and then we're going to get an eight-ball cocaine and fucking 24 pack of Modella, and we're going to blare that Tejano music at 3 o'clock in the morning and keep your ass up.

Because I know them, oh, ladies, hate that shit. Yeah, I know me, parta. My man knows. My man knows. Uncle Laser, I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. I'd love to be there for you. I'd love to be there for you. Uncle Laser. Yes, sir. Uncle Laser, my favorite uncle

that I've ever had in my life. How long do you... I see you as a fucking star. You seem like a star to me. I didn't think so the first time because I'm like, this guy's doing a character, but now that we've, like, hung out and drank and shit, and I spend most of the time just laughing,

I just ask them a question and then laugh for two minutes, And then I ask, that's what me and Uncle Laser hanging out is like, so what's your plan? Because explain to us again this oil field job, like how you're off and on again. Well, like two weeks on, two weeks off, but in that I'm missing too much shit, right? Like, so I'm fixing to just quit that motherfucker to be quite honest. You know what I'm saying? I just get by on good looks alone.

Fuck it, you know what I'm saying? No, but I'm going to give it up. Fuck it. I'm just going to do this full time. Fuck it. We'll see what happens. I'm about to sell my house. Got a nest egg.

I mean, fuck it. We'll see what happened. When are you planning on doing that? I'll sell my house probably about December, January. I work about two, three more months, stacked back about another $80,000 and just fucking go. Who cares? Oh, I make more money than God, by the way.

So, I mean, I just so you know, you know what I'm saying? But yeah, fuck it, dude. I live your dream, fucking be Brad Pittian inbred community. Fuck it, dude. Whatever. Whatever. Have you ever thought about calling yourself inbred pit? Actually, I copyrighted that shit, Tony.

So, yeah, don't even try to steal my shit, bud. Hey. Uncle Laser, I want to keep, I want to keep, I want you to keep in touch with us. Stay close. Yeah, yes, sir. For sure, for sure. For sure.

For sure. Thanks for having me, baby. You need to be seen. Uncle Laser, everybody. Hell yeah. Uncle Laser arriving on the scene reminds me. be a lot of a young man that we met, that we pulled out of the bucket five years ago,

who came on the scene as an absolute creative force. Since then, he has written and performed more brand new minutes than any human being in the history of the show. He's one of the most dangerous features on planet Earth, one of the great new headliners of all of stand-up comedy. An absolute cold-blooded assassin. The Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla gorilla, the Sultan of Sweets. This is the Big Red Machine. William Lights out Montgomery.

I've got some good news and I've got some bad news. The good news is somebody recognized me in Hawaii. The bad news, it was Dog the Bounty Hunter. Man, that motherfucker, oh! Knock, knock. America. Aloha, we're here to steal your islands. Texas is so bad at football,

the Sandy Hook parents are suing them for $2.5 trillion. Yesterday, on a hot mic, you could hear Joe Biden telling a guy that nobody fucks with a Biden, unless, of course, you're Hunter Biden fucking your dead brother's widow. She was technically abided. Rest in peace, Aaron Carter. That wasn't my mom's bathtub.

People are saying that as going around. Okay, that's my time. William, motherfucking, Montgomery. The Big Red Machine, the one and the only. How's it going, my friend? Going good. How are you doing?

I'm great. You got stranded in Hawaii last week, famously missed your spot for the first time in absolutely forever. Tell us what went down there. I did. Yeah, they found me right before we took off. I found this, I don't know, maybe 14-year-old person. And basically, I got them in the bathroom of the 747, and they found this person. No, it's just like a, it just the plane.

We were delayed by like five hours. we were delayed by like five hours it was just a regular delay William Montgomery fresh off of a weekend in New York with me how'd you how'd you feel about your

it was good they all felt very good I actually we were on a mega bus the buses with the two stories and I saw like this 14 year old like Oh my God I don't even know Hold on a second

Is this a new thing You're planning on doing? No I'm kidding I'm high as shit right now Gucci Mains Photographers up in the green room I was smoking blunts up there I'm highest shit right now

Yeah but Hawaii was great I loved it in Hawaii Good answer to the question Four and a half minutes ago You are indeed Higher than shit right now You are higher than Mohamed Mel's husband when he's flying an airplane into something. Incredible.

So what do you normally do when you get really high, William? Oh, man, I've started playing these puzzle games. It's like this number puzzle thing. You have to do all 10 digits in a square. there's like four rows of squares. It's, I can't remember what it's called. I try to do that. It's becoming...

Indica, huh? Yeah. Jesus fucking Christ, man. Normally he's our energetic little buttercup. Looks like fucking Uncle Laser did all of his blow. You know what I'm saying? He did. It was fun.

We were actually doing cocaine up in the green room. It's been a year and a half since I touched it. But when I was in Hawaii, I started to dream. drinking margaritas. I sadly broke my sobriety. I have started drinking very heavily the past week and a half. So Tony, I wanted to tell you

I'm acting weird up here tonight because I'm very drunk right now. He's kidding. Yeah, I'm kidding. I'm just real high. How many blunts? How many blunts exactly did you smoke before this?

It was three blunts up there. It was Gucci Mains photographer, or at least that's what he kept on telling me. I don't know if that's true or not. He just kept on telling me that. That's what Gucci Mains photographer would do. We'd talk about how he's a Gucci Mains photographer. He checks out.

He's friends with David Lucas. It is indeed Gucci Mains photographer. Are you a fan of Gucci Mane? I love him. What do you love about him? Tell us some of your favorites. Just as swag. I like that he has the tattoo, the ice cream cone on his face.

I'm a huge fan of ice cream cones. When I was in Hawaii, I ate three ice cream cones every day. out on the beach, under the fucking umbrella, nobody was telling me to stop. I literally ate fucking three giant ice cream cones every fucking day on Waikiki Beach. What would you tell somebody if they walked up to you on that beach

and told you to stop eating ice cream? Get the fuck away from me, faggot. I'm eating my ice cream today. Nobody's stopping this shit today. I'm listening to Gucci Bay today. That's why it was so crazy meeting Gucci Mane's photographer up there I was quite frankly starstruck

Holy shit Was he taking pictures of you? Yeah He wouldn't stop I didn't know how to tell him to stop I felt very uncomfortable He said Gucci Man paid me to get these And I'm gonna fucking get Will photos

Huh Gucci Man Yeah say it a little slower. I couldn't hear you. Gucci man paid his photographer to get photos of none other than Will, ladies and gentlemen. I don't get it.

The main attraction Will Montgomery. Oh, I don't really get it. He wants him, he needs them. Stop, man. Stop. He demands. Please. Photographs of Will.

Stop. Please stop. Ryan, you're really... Big material. You're really... You're really acting like the charmander to Uncle Lasers Charazard right now. What? Solid Pokemon joke. Three people in Japan are going to get that on YouTube.

Oh, man. He wanted the phone. Oh, my God. Three people in Japan are going to get that on YouTube. No, they're not. What the... I'm kidding. Maybe they...

Invite two comedians from New York here. Turns out they're triple boosted and having strokes during the show. That's the great William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for William, everybody. A guy who has been drawing every single episode since the show started is here. Ryan J. Ebell, come show this amazing audience what you drew here tonight. Here he is. Ryan J. Ebell.

Look at that. Unbelievable beautiful. That is indeed. Ryan Long, Chris Vega. Make some noise for my guest tonight. Ryan Long and Chris Vega. Check them out. High Society Radio with Chris Vega. He works at Catalyst Wrestling for those pro wrestling fans out there.

And check out the boys' cast with Ryan Long. He's also going to be playing in Toronto. Get tickets at Ryan Long Comedy.com. Shout out to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddy Vodka. And, of course, the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, Kill Tony Band, everybody. Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, Paul Deemer and the great D. Madness right down the middle there. We did it again.

Thank you guys so much for coming out. Did you guys have fun tonight? Love you guys. Good night, everybody. Thank you. We love you.