KILL TONY - #585 - TOM SEGURA

Episode Date: November 28, 2022

Tom Segura, Steve-O, Michael Lehrer, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, David Lucas, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/14/2022 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link:  https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows. And you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including the weekly secret show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You could also go to Shop Squad.tv for Desquad merchandise. and go to Ryan J.Ebelt.com.

He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints. He sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now. So go to Tonyhencliff.com for everything golden pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Live from Balkan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas.

For a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for a Tony Hitchcliffe. You guys ready for the best goddamn night of your lives or what? Yepie. Make some noise for Brian Redband, everybody. That's this guy right here. You guys ready to have some fucking fun, huh? This is Kill Tony, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose fixtures here in Austin, Texas,

the two best strip clubs on planet Earth. And brought to you by the best vodka in the world, Deep Eddy Vodka, which also is a local company. How about a hand for Deep Eddy Vodka, huh? We love vodka here. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors. that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all, you might not know this,

but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world, what I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian, and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas. January 13th and 14th of 2023, I'm in Dallas, Texas. In February 9th and 10th of 2020, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at Tony Hinchcliff.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a doofus.

Go to the website now, get tickets while you still can. Hey, y'all, the holidays are just around the corner. Are you looking for a good gift idea that your parents or in-laws will genuinely love? Let's face it, it's hard to find things that make these older people nowadays happy. They were once content with a newspaper in taking the train. and now all of a sudden they're spoiled babies that just don't really enjoy anything. But if you want to give them something meaningful,

maybe you don't get to visit them as often as you'd like. Skylight is the perfect gift. A skylight frame is a photo frame that you can update instantly by email from anywhere. It's a great way to feel close to those you love even when you're separated. It sets up effortlessly in just under 60 seconds, just plug it in, use the touch screen to connect to your wireless network and enjoy.

Sending photos to Skylight is effortless. Everyone in the family can use the app or just email them to Skylight and they'll pop up in seconds. Multiple people can send photos to the frame, so it's a great way to keep large networks of friends and families in touch. Red Band, you know all about this. Yeah, I'm glad to have them back this year because I got one of these for my mom last year. It's awesome. And it looks nice. It looks just like a picture frame.

It has a black frame and a white mat, so it looks just like a photo frame and adds a beautiful touch to your home. Skylight's frame has a vibrant touchscreen display and it lets you swipe through photos. You can even tap a heart to let the person know who sent it that you loved it. Choose from two size options, the original 10 inch, or there's a new one, a 15 inch frame. 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you don't love Skylight, they give you a full refund. You can preload it with photos of special memories for the perfect. personalized gift. It's so simple that even my non-tech savvy mom plugged it in, set it up and uses it all the

time. She loves it. She is 75. Now, as a special offer, you can get $15 off a purchase of a skylight frame when you go to skylightframe.com and enter the code Tony. That's right. To get $15 off your purchase of a skylight frame, just go to skylightframe.com and enter the code Tony. That's S-K-Y-L-G-H-T-F-R-E-R-E. A.m.com promo code Tony. $15 off your purchase of a skylight frame today. Do it. Skylightframe.com promo code Tony.

Hey, y'all. Michael Lair has a brand new merch store and there's no better time than now to support one of the great figures in the history of the show. It's really, really, really, really cool stuff. Shirts, hoodies, everything you can imagine. Go check it out. Michaellayer. com. That's Michael Lairer.

Michael, L-E-H-R-E-H-R-E-R dot Threadless.com right now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Every single week, we have some of the funniest comedians on this show. This is one that I have been trying to get this guy back forever, but he's just so goddamn successful and so goddamn amazing that he hasn't been available till now. One of my favorite comedians on planet Earth, one of the best. best podcasters that have ever existed in the world, resident of Austin, Texas.

This is Tom Segarah. Oh, yeah. Oh, my God. Yes. Tom motherfucking cigara. Yeah. He is back in the saddle, folks. All right.

Welcome back, Tom. Let's crush some dreams. Man. Hell yeah. This is where dreams come to die and we are the executioners. But sometimes we amplify them. Sometimes they can get spots. Some of the people, obviously, our regulars have been thriving.

Everybody's good. Welcome back. Thank you for having me, man. Hell yeah, dude. We had you on the show with Burke Kreischer in the belly room eight and a half years ago. Is that it really is? Yes. But I did the main room too.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. We did the main room. But I was just rewatching a little highlight reel that somebody made. And you guys are there. How to Bert look back then? Oh, everybody was morbidly obese. It's incredible.

The only one that gained weight out of the whole group is fucking my guy over here. It's like before and after and the future. That's right. That's right. I love it. Tom, you know how the show works. A bunch of comedians signed up to get 60 seconds on this stage. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get that uninterrupted.

I have anxiety for them. I know. It's fucking amazing. It's so nerve-wracking the fucking thing. do this? I feel it every week. It takes a lot of courage to have the balls to do this and, you know, our honesty is what's going to help them the most.

They get 60 seconds and then you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which is just a loud noise and it cuts them off in their tracks. And then I interview them, we sit back, we have fun. You guys ready to start this fucking thing or what? Well,

while I could start the show with a bucket I think we should go with one of our great ringers, one of our great regulars. This guy famously over a year ago was sleeping in his van that he drove here from New York City. Now he wears a Rolex. He wears brand new clothes. He's spending the money that he makes as a successful headlining comedian and arena opener. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim.

This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. What's up? I'm glad Beto O'Rourke lost. I think he is the perfect person to lose because he has the face of someone who makes good concession speeches. He has the build of someone who loses gracefully.

He's not strong enough to fight back. But yeah, it was an unfortunate midterm. The only red wave was between a... woman's leg who didn't want to give birth. But yeah, good to be here in Texas. It's football season. A lot of... A lot of T-Ds are being scored.

I'm also scoring T-Ds in my own life. STDs. Sexual touchdowns. Thank you. Holy shit. Damn. That's the first time we're ever seen your late show monologue before.

That was incredible. When you said good to be here 40 seconds into your set, did you really mean it? It's always a joy to be here. I appreciate the opportunity. I'm sorry that you didn't like my jokes. Are you apologizing to me? No, the audience.

I don't know what you think, but... Yeah, no, I agree with you. I think that those jokes were worthy of an apology. Beto Roark, low-hanging fruit indeed, and then the red wave. What was that supposed to mean? The babies that they can't have, or... Between the legs of a woman who don't want to give birth, there's, like, a lot of red nowadays. Because they're having their periods?

Because there's, like, a hanger going up in there? Is that what you're saying? It's a violent abortion. Yeah. Violent births. You're saying illegal abortions are being performed. Right? Or like unwanted births.

It's just a lot of stuff going on in vaginas. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, wait a minute. Wait, wait, wait, wait. But the logic of the joke was that it's a violent abortion. That's what you're suggesting, right? Like it's not in a clinic. You're saying somebody shoved a fucking sword up there.

Yeah, that was the most, yeah, that was the best take on that joke. Well, I mean... All right. What was your take on the jokes? Yeah. Just the violent abortions and the unwanted births just like, you know, like... There's a woman having one right now in the back. Do you hear that?

That's incredible. It seems like you had no real target for the red wave. You're just sort of hoping that people are spilling ketchup on their laps or something like that. And what was right after it? The football season has begun, folks. Oh, yes, that's right. In other news, it's football season. Oh, whoa.

It's Hans Kim, everybody. Whoa, whoa, whoa. All right. With the famous punchline, I'm getting T-Ds, S-TDs. We'll be right back. Whoa. All right.

I mean, sexual touchdowns was kind of fun. Yeah, yeah. Are you getting STD's Hans? No, I've been fucking just one woman. All right. Do you wrap it up? I try not to.

Nice. You try not. You be careful. You might start a red wave down there, you know what I'm saying? Are you wearing two watches? I am wearing two watches. Oh my goodness. What the fuck is that? None of them are telling you that it's time to write

new jokes. Oh, come on. I build the boy up every week. We all have off weeks every once in a while. Why the two? One is like decorative and then one is functional. What's unfunctional about the Rolex

that you have on your left room? I just got to read it. I got to like remember elementary school. Whoa, whoa, whoa. So it works? You're just not... You can't tell time? It just takes a while.

It's like cursive. It's cursive. Yeah, it's cursive. I can't believe that. Yeah, it is crazy. You're right. What does the other watch do? It has big numbers for you?

Yes. A little bit of 834. Oh, my God. Those numbers are huge. Oh, my God. Those are for like special people, dude. I don't think you should even be wearing that. That's like having a lot.

a handicap placard or something like that, not really just for the parking spot. Even D. Madness knows it's 834 right now. I love it. So you think this two-watch thing is going to be a staple of yours? Probably not after tonight. Right. Right.

That's what we do. That's actually the best advice you've heard so far. No doubt. Anything else going on crazy in your life, Hans, that you want to share with us? I recently went to San Francisco with my beautiful girlfriend. She met my family. She was very polite. We stayed in a motel, which she was not a fan of.

She thought she was going to get murdered every night. And that's just because you were in the room with her. You know what I'm the most likely to murder her? That is true. How much was the hotel every night? Like, what are we talking about? $39? He said motel, so I'm guessing pretty low.

but it is San Francisco, so it could be $3,000 a night. It was $68 a night. Oh my God. Oh my God. Wow. Commemorating the release of R.A. Shafir's new special.

Hans spent $68 on his motel. Well, he's got two fucking watches on it, too. Some cheap shit. If your boyfriend's like, check out this. Two watches, $68. What was wrong with this room? Where the towel's dirty?

Did it smell? What was going on? It was like a lot of people running in and out. A lot of bottles being served. It was just like a really thin walls. Is that a motel or a club? Where are the fuck we did? Yeah.

They brought their own medellos. Well, football season is here. Hans, we love you. It was a new minute. You fucking did it. You're a killer in the interviews. It's always so fun and interesting to talk to you. To watch Hans Kim, everybody.

Getting tonight's show started. Getting it going for us. You guys ready to go to this bucket, huh? This is where we all meet somebody together. This is where she can get crazy as hell. Could be a completely insane person. Could be a fucking comedian of the future. All of our regulars,

success story we found was out of this bucket. So who knows what can happen. Your first bucket pool of the night goes by the name of Holly Hart, everyone. Holly Hart. That's a sweet little name. Let's see what happens here. Holly Hart. One more time for Holly, everybody. Come on. You did hear correctly, my full actual name is Holly Hart. Y'all, I know my name makes it sound like I do porn. That's not news to me. I've been told that my whole life. In fact, the first time someone told that to me

I was so young, I didn't know what porn was. So when they told me I had a porn name, I thought they were saying that porn was my ethnicity. Timmy's got an Italian name, Susie's got a French name, I've got a porn name. What a rich

and storied culture my people have. Some people family came here on the Mayflower. My family came on camera. Porn and proud. But obviously that's not right. I know you guys are all wondering because I'm so exotic looking.

And by that, I mean, I look like Joe exotic. To break it down for you, my ethnicity, my dad's parents were Scottish and Welsh, and my mom's parents did porn. Thanks so much. I've been Holly Hart. Holly Hart, everybody, our first bucket pool of the night. Welcome, Holly. Have you been on this show before?

I've been one time in December of last year, so it's been a while. Okay, heck yeah. How's things been going since then? It's been going good. Just trying to do stand-up, got a new job. How long have you been doing stand-up now for? About three years. Three years.

Incredible. And what do you do for your job? I work at a nonprofit here in Austin that helps people experiencing homelessness. Oh, wow. Red Band Things Here on Porn Hub. Yeah. That is the classic trademark sound effect of Porn Hub. It's a non-profit that deals with homelessness?

That's correct. Oh, so you're the reason these people exist. What are you guys doing? Are you doing anything over there? I mean, we're doing our best. There's a lot of people, only so much money to help them with. But we do our best, you know. Where do you guys get the money from to help the homeless?

Just like private, rich people, corporations. That's like my job. I like beg rich people for money and try to guilt trip them. Wasn't there new funding recently, like $90 million or something

that's going towards? Yeah, that's probably like government funding. And there's like a bunch of different organizations that do what mine does. But none of the people that are giving you money live near the homeless people, right? Certainly not. Are they giving you money to keep the homeless people here?

How much money would I have to give you to put a man? of homeless people in Westlake somewhere. Yeah. I mean, I could give you a dollar amount. I think on average it's like $20,000 to bring someone, like one person out of homelessness. All right.

I'm going to steal one of Hans' watches after the show off of his weak, weak wrist. No, Tony, no. Football season is amongst us. So Holly, You're from Austin, born and raised? I'm from Corbus Christi, Texas, and I've been in Austin for like four years. What do you love about Austin?

It's got a great comedy scene. You have the look. You look like a girl that lives in Austin. The bangs are there. You have the bangs, you have the classic, I don't give a fuck haircut that looks like you're here to protest a Joe Rogan show or something like that. You have the leggings on, but I don't. I'm guessing there's a bunch of bad tattoos on those legs. Oh, you know it.

Am I correct? Yeah. Thank you. For those of you visiting, you might not know. This is an Austin girl thing. I have like a bird right here that everyone thinks is a shrimp. Right. You see what I'm saying?

This is no other city in the country. Does every girl have the same problems? It's incredible. Have you noticed this about the people? So many leg tattoos. And they are. It's always like a fucking, they always look like they got their tattoos. tattoos in Vietnam or something like that.

And it always, it's like it's started. You're like, you should have stopped way back then. It's like they're always trying to add. Then there's the thighs and the calves and the knees and the back of the knees. Stop at the Misfits tattoo, right? No, no, I'm too young for that. The hell are you talking about? You have a lot of poise on stage though.

Thank you. Yeah, indeed. Where do you normally perform in town? Like, what's your scene like? Are you what we would consider sometimes an alt comic or something like that? I don't think so. I mean, I do stuff at creaking cave when I can, Velvita room down the street.

I've been lucky to do a few things at Cap City since it opened, but just all over the occasional improv theater, coffee shop, deli. Remember this. Less homeless, more stand-up. That's good advice. Fuck them. It's all about you. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No doubt. No doubt. What do you like to do for fun? What's like your favorite thing to do when you get loose? What's like a hobby or something like that? Do a lot of hiking. Austin has some really great. I do disc off as well.

Okay. All right. How about night life? You go out at all? Not really. Like, I'm sober, so. Okay. When did you get sober?

I guess it's been about six months, so not super. Did something in particular happen six months ago that you decided to get sober? Somebody laughed. Yeah. I was so, like, oh, this pussy's only been sober for six months. Like, okay, it's not a competition. Not only did they laugh, they also did a line of ketamine right after that. It's a joke here in Austin.

What made you want to get sober? Wild Night or something? Not really. I just wanted to lose weight, and it seemed like the thing to help. Okay. All right. You seen that red band? Yeah, it can help.

It can help. One step at a time. People don't want to hear it, but it helps. I love it. I love it, Holly. You have a boyfriend? Yeah. Okay, how long have you two been together?

About two years. What does he do? He is a software developer, so he makes the money and I help the homeless. Right. My goodness. How long have you been doing this homeless thing? About 10 months. Before that, I worked at the food bank, so I've always been kind of doing like giving back.

You've just always been shady businesses where money's being funneled through to really nobody at all. Just helping freeloaders. Incredible. A food bank. A bank filled with food. Yeah. You ever get a little high on your own supply there? You ever grab some saltines and throw them in the backpack or something like that?

Yeah, taking it out a lot of them. A little bowl of chili went missing, you know what I'm saying? I had to quit drinking and that job in order to try to lose weight. I bet. Well, Holly, fun times here tonight. Thank you so much for signing up. Here's a joke book by The Great Bonesye. This is real handmade Texas leather right here.

There goes Holly Hart, everybody. Holly Hart ATX on social media. You guys get it, right? We having fun out there, huh? All right. Our next bucket pool goes by the name of Zach Black. Zach Black is next. Oh, here he comes from the audience side.

Very exciting. This is always good. Make some noise for Zach, everybody. What the fuck is up? I've been waiting all day to do this. My dog's been in my car on 6th Street for about five hours. Don't worry, he's safe. I left the windows rolled up. Some people don't like that I leave my dog in the car, but somebody's got to watch the baby. No, there's no baby.

I just got an apartment in a building, and the weight limit for dogs in this building was 35 pounds. But my dog weighs 85 pounds. So I just lied, and we just showed up like a Tinder date. 50 pounds heavier than we said we were. That's not the worst way a Tinder date can show up, though. I had one show up with a penis. And I sucked it. No, I didn't, no, I did.

Yeah, I did. No, I didn't. No, I didn't. But she did suck mine, and I just treated her dick like it was a lazy eye. I just tried my hardest not to look right at it. Holy shit, Zach Black. What the fuck? Wow. My goodness, that was incredible.

And you got up from right over there, right? Yes, sir, I did. That is incredible. Very, very rare that people get up from the actual audience. Normally, it's from the big comedian pen in the back of people that have been, whatever, waiting and striving weekly. And he did a big pull off of his vape pen on the way on stage. Oh, I didn't even notice that. That's powerful.

Very confident. How long have you been doing stand-up? Four years. Four years we're at? Buffalo, New York. Whoa, really? I just moved here two weeks ago. How long have you been doing jujitsu?

I don't do that. I do work out, though. Okay, all right. So you just moved here two weeks ago to really apply yourself as a stand-up comedian? Yeah, I quit my job. What was your job? I worked in a factory. I had the same job for 10 years.

Oh, my God. A metal factory, and I quit. do stand up and fuck it's going pretty good now. So what are you doing for money here? You saved up a lot at the metal factory? I saved up a little. I also have flipped three houses in my life.

Whoa. I used to want to be a real man and now I just want to be funny. Have you ever been on this show? Yeah. There's no point in being a real man. Take it from me. I'm actually a wooden doll.

People don't know this. But being a real man is a real man is overrated. I'm a puppet. Yeah. I'm Joe Rogan's puppet. Yeah. I was created in a stem cell factory. Yes, that was the sound that I heard when I first came alive. Thank you for life, Joe. So, Zach, tell us more. Did you come solo?

I did. Yeah. You packed up your car? Yeah, I packed up a U-Haul truck, all my shit, car on a car trailer, drove all the way down here. You seem like a real stud. some ladies in Buffalo with broken hearts or something like that? A little bit but you know what? There's plenty of ladies here

and... Damn. This dude's about to get his dick sucked in his car with his dog and his baby watching. This is incredible. This is incredible. What a star you are, Zach Black. You seem like you're here

to fucking take over. I really like that joke about the fucking somebody's got to watch the baby. my only beef that I had with it is that you said, no, that's not true. Yeah, don't do that. Yeah. Don't say, no, there's no baby.

Okay. Yeah, you have to leave that people laughed at the fact that it's watching that. You don't go like, I'm just kidding. Okay. You know, make them think you're that horrible person. Yeah. In fact, dig deeper. I did make it worse.

I did sign up for this for tags for my joke. I totally didn't sign up to make fun of Tony or get roasted. Right. Yeah, I did. Oh, okay. Oh, wow. What a way to get into it. I was just trying to get it started. I thought you were going to roast me, but you didn't.

No, you did good. This is a show where I make fun of people that normally do bad. Let's do it. Let's do it. I thought of one while I was sitting there. Wait, what? Wait, what? Sorry, I wasn't, sorry. I'm just trying to get a grasp of what you're saying right now. Sorry, Tony. You're doing this all wrong.

It went great. Okay. Yeah. you should be happy with how it went. Okay. And it's good advice to tell you to not say... Don't try to make it any better. It's already good enough, okay.

No, no, no. The advice was good advice on the joke. You should take that advice on the joke. It's great advice, and it applies to all of your jokes. You don't ever need to be like, I'm just kidding. Like, I say crazy-ass shit, and I never go, like, just joking. I don't even say that when I should say that. May of 2021.

Hello. By the way, I do say it 20 seconds after his video ends. By the way, I remember getting that call. You helped me tremendously through that. You were one of the fucking... Friends. Yeah, I mean, it's incredible. Well, they deserved it.

Yeah, exactly. Just kidding. Anyway. Zach, what do you like to do for fun? What do I do for fun? Well, other than obviously stand-up, I like to, I don't know, just get drunk and... Wow, you're so fucking cool, dude. What else?

What do you like to do when you get drunk? You like to listen to music, play pinball. You seem like the kind of guy that likes to fucking inject some testosterone right near butt cheek. Yeah, pretty much. Do ten push-ups? Listen to Joe Rogan's podcast and beat off to that. You and me both, my friend. You and me both.

See, I can't get hard unless it's playing in the background. When he says pull it up, Jamie, I pull out. Anyway, uh... What was that, Joe? What did you say? Jamie, pull that video up. Oh. Anyway.

Zach, do you have any special skills or talents or anything like that, other than that? than stand-up comedy? Oh, well, the skills, I do have carpentry skills. All right. I'm trying to work. I'm trying to get a house here in Austin. I have an apartment right now, but I'm going to keep doing that. Have you thought about building a house since you're a carpenter?

Not from scratch, but I have, you know, remodeled one from like the studs up, plumbing, electric, all that. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah. The studs up. Probably my only skill. I love it, Zach. Anything else crazy about your life? life that we should know about before letting you go, your parents or your family history,

anything that makes you different than everybody else? Yeah, I have two metal clamps on my heart. Whoa. Yes. Yes. If I get too excited, it could explode. It might right now. It's disgusting. Why do you have metal clamps on your heart? What was the disease? Superventricular tachycardia? That is exactly it. Tony's good at this. Yes. I wanted to be a heart surgeon when I was in eighth grade, so I went to the library and taught myself a bunch of crazy shit. That's so weird. Is that really it? He got it?

That's really it? That's not actually what I have. Oh, okay. I like your style. We're going to edit that part out. Just rolling with it. I forget exactly what it's called, but something had to be connected to keep me alive.

You forget what the disease that caused you to have mental clamps on your heart is. I'm here to tell you, my friend, it's superventricular tachycardia, you asshole. Could be. Jesus Christ. There's some shit with my heart, man. Yeah, metal clamps. What the fuck? Did you go to the house

that Edward Cisorhands was built in or something? He's like, Tony, I have an oatmeal cookie for a liver. All right. Zach, very fun stuff. That was very funny, man. A great performance.

Red Band, anything you want to say to Zach? Here's a big joke book. I'd love to have you open the Secret Show Thursday if you want to. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Here's a brand new joke book. Welcome. This is some of the amazing

talent that's moving here to Austin. Literally anything can happen. It's incredible. You're seeing it happen here. People that used to move to New York or Los Angeles after getting ready in their hometowns are now coming to Austin, Texas. Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a young whippersnapper. Make some noise for Stivo.

Steveo, everybody. Wait a second. What? What? It's the actual Siva! Well, this is awkward. I was thinking about what I'm gonna do here. Do I have to really maintain the 60 second rule? Oh no, okay.

I'll keep it quick. I'll keep it quick. So, I figured I'd tell you guys a crazy story that you definitely don't know. About something I invented called the butt chug. Yeah, I actually coined that term. that term and it was totally by accident initially it started with this idea I had I said I thought I could beer bong a beer through my nose if they made me a beer bong that forked into two hoses so we we get around I've been awake for like three days on cocaine and Knoxville pours the fucking beer into the beer bong I put the hoses in each nostril up

it goes and I pound it and I pound it and it was fucking amazing but nobody even giggled and then Knoxville says that sucked stick it up your ass rather famously at this point backed out of a stunt which involved putting a toy car at my ass so I immediately said to Knoxville we already established I don't put shit up my ass if I I would have left it there, I would have been off the hook easy. But then I went and said, and it probably wouldn't work anyway, where I really fucked myself. So now, like, I'm going to have to do it because first and foremost, we are scientists. So it is my fucking duty now to do this.

And I realize that I've fucked myself. And they chop off the two thinner hoses. So I'm looking at a girthy-ass fucking. I mean that's really the circumference of a dick. I mean, that's like, that's, that's, that's very real. But I know now I'm in and I don't fucking do anything half-ass. So I lay right down on the ground. I fucking pull my shit down and I go for it.

Like I go for it big time. And it was utterly fucking shocking how easily that hose glided right in. I was so fucking mortified that my buddies just saw that happen so easily. So I hike up my legs. It's not working at first. It's not working at first. And it seems to be a failure.

But like I said, I'm all in. So I kind of wiggle around. I start kicking my legs a little bit. I find a rhythm. And sure enough, I mean, everybody's going crazy. They're fucking just chug, jug, jug, jug. But what happened was, as much as the beer was going in my butt,

there was all this fucking yeasty, cloudy fucking shit coming out. The beer in the tube just got cloudier and cloudier, and it was actually too much for the jackass guys. They were like, oh, no, like, no, stop it. They called it. So, at this point I'm fully loaded. I pull out the beer behind. I'm just wiggling around a little bit.

And I felt it, I just gave it a little too... And I was able to squirt beer out of my butt, and then I start giggling. I fucking hiked my butt up, and I actually managed to shit beer into my own mouth. Up to what you remember. seeing in a jackass movie it's because this was four years earlier it was on the first movie the bunch of I just described never even made it onto the cutting room floor it was too much but now you know is here on kill Tony lot in Austin motherfucking Texas stevo has arrived it's great to be here I had legitimate anxiety of

about how I was going to fit that into 60 seconds. Well, good news. It was four minutes and 25 seconds. I wouldn't have changed a thing about it. It was absolutely beautiful. That was fucking amazing, man. How's life been going, Steve? It's been fantastic.

It's utterly fucking ridiculous that in the art that I perform, that I ever had a fucking career to begin with. but here I am pushing 50 fucking years old, more than 20 years into my career. Not only am I still getting away with it, but I'm fucking killing it. Yeah. Full control.

Somehow, some way, of all the concussions that have probably happened, somehow everything up there is operational. Yeah. It is incredible. Yeah. It's C-T-E. comic.

No, it's crazy. I really, this show is close to my heart. The idea that people should just say, fuck it. I'm going to try stand-up comedy. I'm just going to go and I'm going to fucking do it. And of all the things in my life that I've ever done, I could not be

more grateful about anything than that. I said, fuck it. I'm going to get into stand-up comedy. I'm going to fucking stick with it. And it's actually worked out really well for me. No doubt about it. And I've, you're one of the very few

guys that have come over, you know, I'm a comedy store guy from the door guy all the way up, almost 16 years ago. And especially I think there we have a real, if somebody from Hollywood comes into that art form, I think we're really defensive and you're

one of the very few guys that have really fucking earned it. You worked your ass off. You did it the hard way. What's the name of that special? where you do the bicycle thing with the... My gnarly special. Yeah. You guys all have to check this out if you haven't already.

But literally my favorite jackass stunt of all time is on his special. It's his own stunt that you wrote and performed. Can you explain to these people? It was based on my belief that since women can just paint their boobs and walk around, like it's no big deal, that... I should be able to paint my dick and do whatever I want. You'll be thrilled to know that we've just recently produced dick painting too. Oh, I love this.

Yeah, I go to the gym with my shorts painted on. Oh, my God. And it's all painted one color. But once people notice that his dick and balls is there, it's fucking epic. The looks on other people's faces as they notice something suspicious about the Shorts is literally one of my favorite things. I've always said I'm a real, real smug guy

when it comes to comedy, like when it comes to watching it. I've always said the whole time that South Park and Jackass are the only two things that I can always count on and it's amazing to have you up here a part of that legacy and fucking watch

you thriving in this art form like this because I've always been a huge fan. Well, thank you man. Thank you. For what it's worth. Waiting until you see my editorial decision to keep the skip roping

in slow motion. Oh my God, yes. Oh, yes. You guys have all got to check out what Stivo's doing. You also have Stivo's Wild Ride, right? Steevo's Wild Ride podcast is doing great.

Man, if you're around, I'd love to get you in the van. I got an asshole driving the fucking van all the way from L.A. on the off chance that I can get you in here. I'm in. I'm in. There you go. You just watched a podcast booking happen. Yeah. Dude, epic. You're super. People should know.

This guy works so much fucking harder than you know. He's got YouTube shit. He's got specials coming out. He's always doing so. He's doing live touring. And you're way more thoughtful than anybody would assume because you're this fucking lunatic. But the thought... You are. You're out of

your goddamn mind. But you're the thought that goes into what you do is actually very, very impressive. Very impressive. Thank you. I'm grateful. And I don't really want to say this, but are the women in Austin uncomfortably attractive? I don't know. Did you see Holly Hart earlier?

I don't know. I'd have to disagree. I didn't know. I'm kidding. Follow Hollyhearted Holly Hart at Holly Hart. There's another shout out to make up for. All right. We'll keep the show moving, man.

Thank you so much. Come on, make some noise for Steveo. Legend. Kill Tony family member. Comedy royalty. Steveo. Okay. Chaos is ensuing.

Everybody's talking with one another. The whole fucking, can you believe it? Can you believe it? Fucking amazing. You guys want to do something else special? How many of you have been fans of this show for a long time? Well, for obvious other reasons that we've seen tonight, it's a very special episode,

and this moment is indeed very special to us. This is a special tribute to one of our favorite members of the Kill Tony family of all time. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to watch a video together. Cool? Let's do it. Roll it, guys. I love comedy ever since. I was a fucking little fucking four year old boy.

And I got pulled out of this bucket, December 2nd, 2019, and I'm a bigger comic than I've ever been. Ladies and gentlemen, first time on Kill Tony. Michael Lairor, everybody. My question is, where the fuck did all that I's fucking money go? sad irony that the only guy that deserves to be on the stage

like the sheer chaos of that this guy actually has jokes worthy of this stage I'm gonna put you up whether you're pulled out of the bucket or not you're gonna have an automatic spot next week okay there you go Michael Lairer for his first time ever in Tiltonie history so you've been having fun man you got fuck yeah dude

hell yeah yeah man except some of these comics they'd be talking to my nurse-lash girlfriend too much. That's why I'm winning the fight kid. It's like putting an ADT sign on your lawn but not buying the shit.

Oh my God, you're so awesome. Thank you. Keep coming back. We fucking love you. You'll always have a place here at Kiltzani. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, have you tried to CBD is like weed, but it won't get you high. Fuck, give me some crack.

Michael, you are unstoppable. What's up with the Superman outfit tonight? It's a metaphor for what a hero I am. Last week, he destroyed again, and he called out Louis J. Gomez. He said that he's going to kill so hard that he's going to have to invite him to Skangfest. You look like a fucking hot dog I sent you online I did him like dude I will fight you

tonight on Kill Tony Oh what's happening Mike you're coming to Skang Fest I don't give a shit about it You're going to Skang Fest buddy Boom Have the reason I'm in the weird chair

It's because my dick So heavy Why the hell shouldn't we make history Here tonight and announce you as the first ever third regular in the history of killed, Tony. Anything else crazy we need to know about? Just blowing up and enjoying the ride.

Wow. He's a tank. I'll be like this fuck out of here, yo. You're a great actor. Stand up. Show him all you cute. He's just massaging his face. What?

Oh, no. You are the quarantine king of comedy. of Oz. If only has brain. Le Miz. Master of the house, keeper of the inn. He's got him, man.

Trazla-la-law- All-Chan. Vap Thing. Future Truth-Teller. Vap Thing. Future Truth-Teller. Hey, roses are red, violet are blue.

If I turn blue, call 911. now. Jack be nimble, Jack be quick. Jack's crazy showing off. Oh. People lost her sheep to COVID complications. Yes.

That's, nice, nice, hey. I'm here to make Helen Giller, uh, chill the fuck out. Fuck you. Joe Biden's presidential campaign. Paine slogan is Alphabet Sue? Michael, why don't you

stay on stage? We're going to keep it rolling here. No shit. This cripple motherfucker who will never working in, who loves

comedy, who doesn't not have any fucks to give, he's coming to Orson, motherfucker I'm a proud new resident of Texas

where AIDS was in midnight Ladies and gentlemen doing some improv for us Michael Lairr, everybody Michael will improvise how sex with him is like your suggestion Stephen Hawking Sex with me is like Stephen Hawking

I'm going to come to you our audience for suggestions of brand names, products, stores, you name it. And Michael will instantly show us why he was never allowed to work in advertising. So this is very, very exciting.

Okay, someone already yelled out fruit loops. Here's Michael. Fruit loops. Because you love cereal and your faggot. Oh, wow. Look at the size of that straw. Oh, yes, he's also a pirate, everybody.

I live in a really fancy building, and I ask people to help me with the door, and they know me because they think I'm homeless. But little than they know, I'm like one week from fucking their girl. How the fuck did this house lose? The war. Did you run out of the cocaine?

I'm a dying young man like a black. It's God who's killing me. Not one of my neighbors. Tonight's guest, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. For Michael Lairor, everybody. Mike, you got on anti-gravity slippers.

Your feet ain't touched the ground all night. The fucker, you are the expert in gravity. Oh shit. It's William Montgomery. Always a monster. So much fun. What the fuck was that? And I'm already in a bad mood

because of my nurse-slash-girlfriend. Oh, yeah? Would she do this? We're fighting again. But you're hard. Oh, yeah, slap that base, y'all. I get on TV. Oh shit, no mask.

Oh, shit. My son just moved here to live with me. He's 21 years old. I wasn't then when he was born or for the first 21 years. But now I'm gonna make it up. and make it up to him for the next three months. Well, he steals, too, but that's another story.

Wow. I'm kidding. What is he stolen from you? Anything? Um, my heart. Welcome to the stage. My boy, Conlon Heaney. I've been a hunter since I was 12.

My dad wants me to take him sometime. How would that work? I would be like Jabaka with him in my backpack like C3PO. If black guys weren't hard to understand when they're in front of you, they're impossible to understand when you're standing behind them.

You got me, say! Yo, what the fuck is wrong with this show, man? Michael Lair, you are a goddamn comedy angel. We absolutely fucking love you. You are one of the new, Backbones of this show. You are a real rock star. The only person else other than Chappelle that's a goat to me is you.

I thought about you. Holy, can we talk? Yeah. I love you, man. Respect. Yo, we have some real niggins today. Danny, I brought you a present. Oh, wow.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. What is it? Oh, shit. Y'all, you got an emotion? Oh, my God, they're kissing. He is the hottest dude I've ever seen in a wheelchair before. Oh, absolutely.

I got to tell you, I was thoroughly motherfucking entertained by this guy. Yeah. I was thoroughly fucking interesting. Right, my, y'all. And I thought it was fucking great, dude. Oh, I appreciate it, bro. You're hilarious, and I met you backstage, and you had such a positive spirit. I liked you immediately.

I thought Michael was absolutely. hysterical. I thought I was a huge fan when Michael came in on the final season of Facts of Life, but I really liked him tonight. Dude, deaf guys get all the pussy at the Paralympics, is that what you said? So funny. No doubt that's buzzin. Yeah, those motherfuckers.

That's my, that's my best laugh, and all my times are killed Tony. I love it. Right there. That's what he does to people. He's the best. That guy's great, great. I'm here now and I can focus on just getting good. And there's There's nothing and like more fucking cool than that. Wow.

Wow. Wow. I love you so much. No truer words have ever been spoken. That was beautiful, man. That was so real. Yeah. That's who you are.

That was who you are. That's beautiful. I love you. I love you. We fucking love you, Michael. I love you. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very exciting moment in the history of the show, the first ever inductee to the brand new Kill Tony Hall of Fame.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is Michael Lair! Shut the fuck up. When Tony told me Michael, we want you to be in the Kill Tony Hall of Fame, I'm like, what is that? Can I sleep there? Will there be a credit check? Because if so, I will not pass. But I'll hold the theme is like any hallway where you walk down the hall

and there are doors on either side. And one door says employees only. And that door, behind. Behind it has the cleanest bathroom you've ever seen. Now, there might be some obstacles in front of that door. The grace employees push those motherfuckers out of the way and go and have the best piss of your life. Now, when you come out, every employee is going to be very, very mad at you.

But here's the thing. They can't put my piss back inside of me. Now, um, I'm really excited. excited about this award because Kiltony has a very large audience and I bet really quick I can serve it. But in all seriousness, you know, comedy, I got back into it because it's about community. But the longer I'm in it, the more I hate people. Like, you know, here there's a green room on this second floor. They do not have an elevator.

All the food is on the second floor. No one has ever even brought me a sandwich. On the third floor, there is a gigantic mural of everyone who's performed here. And I'm lucky enough where there's a giant painting of me. All of my friends you see at the table and behind me, no one has ever thought, hey we should take Michael to the third but um you know um about two weeks ago

I went to Portland from my sister's suicide and that's true but a third of the people they back out in it and I backed out in it and I don't know how long I have left

but I know tonight rocked and thank you all very much. Michael, motherfucking layer. Michael, here to present you with some amazing art.

It's the great Colin Heaton everybody. His own son is here everybody. Some sweet shit. Colin Heaton. Michael we absolutely fucking love you. How loud can this place get for the great Michael Lair?

Come on, people. If you've ever made noise before in your goddamn life, this is a man that loves being a comedian more than anyone I fucking know. He was the first comedian in Los Angeles, out of all of them, to move out here with us. The courage, the strength that this guy goes through just to do the most normal things is fucking unbelievable. He could have been dead.

week ago, and he stayed alive to be able to do things like this and fucking make you guys casually laugh, making it look easy and seamless. We love you, Michael. Hopefully we see you again soon. Yeah. Yeah, we love you. Michael Lair, everybody. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. We having fun here tonight, huh? Well, let's get back to fucking a little bit more central comedy chaos here. How about one more time from Michael, huh? We could do that. And now, for the regular

that I thought would die first, you know this guy is one of the most prolific joke writers in the show's history, one of the great roasters of the universe. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of our great regulars, David Lucas, everybody. Yeah, fucking midterm election. Texas did a good job of voting that wheelchair nigger back in, yeah.

Y'all did y'all thing. He was like, this is a step in the right direction. I'm like, nigger, not for you? What the fuck you're talking about? We're rolling right into the next year. I'm from Georgia, and that Georgia shit is out of control. Like, how bad of a politics. do you have to be

to have a runoff with Hersher Walker like that nigga ain't been relevant in 37 years like I can beat Hersher Walker I like Governor

DeSanta's speech he delivered his speech like he was a professional wrestler I love that shit he got on TV and he was like Florida is where

woke comes to die next week we got you Trannies oh there it is there you David Lucas everybody

Crushing. This is the usual. Another day at the office for him. Tony. Another great performance. How you doing, David? The fuck you got on. I decided to wear a little something special for you.

Your ass dressed like Arthur from that TV show. And I said, hey, what a wonderful guy today. If you like to run and play. You look like a... You look like a different, Arthur. You look like Arthur Ashy. You look like a P-Tess, nigga. You look like Lizzo's personal trainer.

You're doing a good job. You're doing a good job. Look at me. You're better than me. You're better than me. Tony, you look like the kind of guy who will let his homeboys talk him into twerking. Y'all niggas know I get crazy on that tequila.

You better stop. Bitch, don't give me no Hennessy. That's true. true. The only time you twerk is when your knees freeze up in the morning, right? Your ass dressed like a homosexual cotton ball, nigga. Your ass. The fuck wrong

with you, boy, you're about to... You look like Hershey Walker. You look like you should be on the front of a gay cigarette box. Do they have gay cigarettes? I want a carton if they do. You got to smoke that motherfucker the backwards. You got to light the butt of the cigarette

if you... You look like a Marlboro not so light. Tony, you can roll a blunt with your pussy lips. There's anyone that knows anything about rolls. It's you up here. You don't know that about it. Fucking incredible. You know about Philly blunts and Philly cheese steaks.

Look at your ass. This is incredible. The motherfucker guy, long-sleeve yellow. That low-slee yellow shirt, gay as fuck. What are you wearing a plain black? You're wearing a plain black ass fucking shirt. Look at the back, bro. Oh, you got wings?

Oh, man, that's going to be a rough takeoff. Holy shit. This motherfucker's got wings, thighs, and breasts. Look at that shit. Tony, them niggas on your shirt is kissing. Get the fuck up by the head. Let's see that motherfucker. One nigga, he leaning out to grab some dick.

Yeah, right there, right there. That's true. What fuck going on on your shirt, boy? I get the fuck up by the head. You know what this is? It's like the Kentucky Fried Derby or something like that. What is that? A polo shirt, ditty?

I don't know what it is. I just thought it'd be fun to wear, give you something to make fun of this fucking... I don't know who picked that out. You look like a judge on Rupal's drag show. All right. All right. I don't know.

Let me see you walk down the catwalk again, bitch. This time, tuck your dick, all right? Oh my God I love your shirt I've never seen wings on a hot air balloon before So it's pretty cool I don't know In which direction you're flying

But man get your Look at this A volcano just went off everybody Did the Pope just die? What is that shit? Tony I heard you text your boyfriend before killed Tony saying you can't wait to snuggle that thing.

That's actually true. That's why nobody laughed. We all know that one's true. I shouldn't have took them shots before I got up here. No, you got shots of what? Insulin? You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Tony, you be boofing alcohol through your ass,

niggas. It's no smell and I get drunker. Y'all niggas in boof alcohol? Oh, God. That's some Georgia shit. Oh, my God. Tom, you've seen David before. You know about this guy.

He's an absolute fucking freak of nature. That's my dog. Tom's a girl in this bitch. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Him and Raban look like a before and after picture. Yeah. In the future.

Way after. No, before, nigga, before. Oh, yeah. Way before. Tony, after your asshole looked like that bucket of destiny. Oh, come on. Come on.

There's no way you have a tighter asshole than me. You know what I'm saying? I'm not gay. Yeah, but the shits you must take are fucking dilapidating. I'd imagine some of them come out looking like gym bags. Tony, you shit sunflower seeds, motherfucker. You look like you eat bird seeds, nigga. Get your goofers off.

Do you have a camera on my toilet? Because that's true. Sometimes I look down there. There's little bird feet. Somebody got chew your food up before you eat it. I know. He's been asking me if he could have that job for months now. You are a bird of prey, nigga.

Your ass. Your motherfucker. You're excited. Your big holiday Thanksgiving's right around the corner. Ain't nothing get stuffed at your house but you. Ready for the stuffing, baby. And your Thanksgiving probably has large sides too. I'm actually being in Canada the whole week of Thanksgiving.

Okay. At, uh, what's that place called? Rumors. Oh, okay. Winnipeg. Yeah, Winnipeg. Yeah, Winnipeg. Yeah, Winnipeg.

Redbae, get the fuck. You're going to order a foe for Thanksgiving, Nick. Shut your ass. That nigga, no, he's going to win this for Thanksgiving. The cornbread king of Thanksgiving, Brian Red Band is here. Hell yeah. That's about going to eat cranberry jello. Yeah, I would be the one eating the fruits and vegetables

Oh my God Red Band don't ever try to roast David again This is it You get to see Michael That big of crazy David, you're a fucking freak man I don't know how you do it every single week It's crazy that we do this

We have roasted each other publicly This is fantastic You guys do this for hours Isn't it crazy? It's the best. We've literally figured out that we've made fun of each other on the internet more than any other two people.

We eat history books, bro. It's amazing. I want to see you, by the way, do 15 minutes on Herschel Walker. Really? Yes. Only you, I think, could get it. I should be.

I'll expand that. Hell yeah. Do it quick before you're walking with a walker. David, you're a monster. Where do people get tickets for your tour? David Lucascomedy.com. I got a whole bunch of dates for next year. I'm still trying to.

Well, Tony helped me figure out the name of my tour next year. We're going to call it 2023M. That's right. Tony figured out that day. Yeah, I appreciate you. You're hilarious, dude. Thank you. David Lucas, everybody.

One of the greats. Right there. You guys ready to go back to this bucket, huh? We're having fun here tonight. We're having fun here tonight. Make some noise for Ryder May Naghe. Rider May Nagy. Rider, here he comes.

You guys still having fun out there, huh? All right, here he is. Make some noise for Ryder. How's it going, Austin? So this is my first time to Texas. Texas is pretty, it's a dope state. I love it. I love it here.

Except for you guys' abortion laws, it's a little wild. But I think we have you beat up in Idaho. Like, it's illegal to even say the word abortion up there. Yeah, yeah. Like, the university I went to, they don't mean hand out condoms anymore. Yeah, I know. It doesn't make any sense. Like, what do you expect, like, just a bunch of, you know, horny college kids that have to pull out? Yeah, not, yeah, no, not going to happen. Not going to happen. I think my dad meant to pull out. Well, it just, it just doesn't add up. Like, I was born, like, 14 years after my parents got married.

and like I was born into like a family of Catholics like they start having babies after communion yeah and also like I was also born 10 weeks early it's like my mom's water broke when she was out running

like Jesus Christ mom were you trying to have a stillborn that's my time All right here we go now we are back to the bucket obviously I know, we win Steveo, Michael Lair,

David Lucas, and now the whitest white boy of all time from the plains of Idaho. Yeah, yeah. You are fucking the opposite of David Lucas, huh? Yeah, yeah.

Wow. All right, so let's talk about it. You're visiting Texas for your first time is what you started out with, right? Yeah, that's. That's correct. Okay. How long have you been here? I flew in on Friday, late Friday night. What are you doing here?

I had a buddy that just moved down here, so I kind of came down to visit him. Okay, when are you going back? Tomorrow. Perfect. Rider, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? This is my first time. Oh, okay. Make some noise for him in that case. You have the courage to try.

You came all the way from Idaho. What part of Idaho? Northern Idaho. Wow. It's quiet up there, huh? Very quiet. What's more quiet? Northern Idaho or this audience during your 60 seconds?

Definitely this audience. Yeah, I bet. At least you get like a fucking elk roaring or something out there. You're like, did that elk just laugh at my joke? Exactly. How old are you rider? I'm 27.

What do you do? I consult for a power company. All right? Yeah, it's not exciting. So boring, yet somehow the most exciting thing about you so far, Ryder. What do you do for fun? We live on the confluence of two rivers, and so I like to like, we take, my buddy has a jetboat, so we'll, like, go up the Snake River, like, in the Hells Canyon area.

Okay. Yeah, go fishing and just kind of, you know, fuck around up there. It sounds cool, the Snake River, Hills Canyon. It is pretty cool. What's a jet boat? What was that? Is a jet boat different than a boat? It is.

What's a jet boat? A jet boat's a boat with a jet on it. That sounds like some shit you made up from like... I don't know. Like we're able to go through like rapids and stuff. So like where you go like white water rafting. Okay. Like a jet boat just kind of goes right through those.

Oh, okay, okay. All right. So you do this a lot. What else do you do? Tell us more about living life in northern Idaho. Well, it's exactly what you would expect it to be. Yeah, there's like, what, one dive bar or something like that? Yep, that's exactly right, yeah.

Wow. Do you ever get in, like, fights there or anything? Arguments with the old locals? Well, no, I'm white, so. Isn't everybody in Idaho white? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Is there, are there, how many black people have you seen in your whole life? Well, this is like, he immediately, for those of you just listening to the podcast,

he immediately turned to the band. He pointed directly at D madness. This is like the third one. He was like, you. Is that why your nipples are so hard? Oh my goodness. Wow. So there's not many up there in Northern Idaho.

What do your parents do? Maybe he was just nervous for his study. He's like, I don't know what the fuck's going on behind you right now. Tom's right. Tom's right. Oh, my goodness. But you have literally seen black people. people before. I have, yes. Right. And what do they do in northern Idaho?

They play sports. They play sports. Okay, very good. Wow. Like, they get recruited, you know, to, like, the universities and the schools up there. Indeed. Yeah, they get, like, full, they get full right scholarships. That's the only reason they come to Idaho. Right. Not a lot of natives. What was that? Not a lot of native blacks walking around, you're saying? Correct, correct. Okay. Well, welcome to another city. Thank you. Thank you. No, no. I love Austin. What have you done for fun since being here?

What was that? What have you done for fun since being in Austin? You've been here all weekend? Yeah, yeah. So Saturday night we went and checked out Rainy Street, and that was a lot of fun. That was cool. Yeah, and we went to, you know, UT Tailgate, you know, right before the game. That was a lot of fun.

A lot of whites there? Yes, yes. Listen to third eye blind, you know. Real white shit, you know, real white music. How about Mexicans? Do you ever see Mexicans in Idaho? They don't exactly get recruited for football, you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

They did the other kind of football. I got you. Very good. Yeah. All right. You think you'll do it again? Do you think you'll do it again? Do what?

Will you do a stand-up again? Sure. I'll give it a shot. We're not asking you, too. We're asking you if you think you're going to. Yeah. You do it? So what's your plan?

You're going to stay up in Northern Idaho, start a show or something? Yep, yep. I have to start my own comedy show because they don't exist up there. Yeah. White Knight. Yeah. Exit. Yeah.

Oh, my goodness. What do you think is the most white thing about you, Ryder? Because you are one of the whitest people we've ever had on this show. If there's something extra white about you, what do you think it is? Oh. D. Madness says he's scared. Here comes the answer. Whites thing about Ryder, other than his name.

You know, I just, I'm okay with the missionary status, you know, during sex. Missionary status. Not even the position. Missionary status. Like a Facebook status. Very well. White. Like something that he just puts on and leaves. You know, it gets a job done.

He nailed that one. That was very white. Missionary status. Okay. Now you've been in Austin a weekend. You've been around some culture. What do you think is the blackest thing about you, Ryder? If you had to guess what the blackest thing

about you is. Don't really think about it. Just go for it, man. There is no wrong answer here. Nothing can happen to you. both of the black men behind you are blind. I know this one looks like he's looking at you right in the eyes, but he's actually completely blind as well. He got a bunch of equipment between him and you.

I can feel the judgment, yeah. He just has really, really good intuition. I know he's looking right into your eyes right now, but what do you think is the blackest thing about you, Ryder? Hold on, let me hold on to you. Please say my dick. No, I'm kidding. No, what is it, Ryder?

Seriously. say that now. No, you can't say it. It's off the table. It's not true. Yeah. Only child. He knows so little about black people that he thinks that that's a black stereotype. Well, Tony, I'm an only

child. No brothers and sisters, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, my goodness. Wild. Unbelievable. You know all those black, only child. Oh, the blackest thing about me, I love country music, Tony.

I like a good waffle in the morning, too. You know that public enemies are only child? I like a good frittata. Oh, boy. Ryder, you are something else, man. You are, man. You fucking started your little comedy career today, and you get a little kill-tony joke book for it.

Can you catch? No, he can't. Got the hands of an Idaho potato, everybody. There he goes. Ryder May Naghee. You guys want to go to this bucket one more time, huh? All right, but we got to put a ribbon on this thing here. Okay.

Your next comedian goes by the name of Ali Musa. Ali Musa or Ali Musa. Make some nice for Ali, everybody. How's it going, guys? So I moved out here from Arizona Oh yeah no response I actually I had no idea that Austin was so liberal Like it caught me off guard because you guys need to realize

I'm from Arizona where I was almost deported to Mexico Three times and I'm not even Mexican You guys have some of the scariest homeless people on the planet too I don't know what the fuck is up with that I was gonna fight with a dude on 6th Street I'm just walking down the street This dude walks right up to me and he looked like he survived an explosion

in a Looney Tunes cartoon. Like he looked like he was on fire and put out 10 seconds before talking to me. And he asked me if I have any money, he's asking a bunch of questions, I tell him no. And I swear to God, he goes, pshh. You look like a police sketch of Jafar.

I was like, and you look like Aladdin if you never found a lamp, asshole. And fuck you for being funnier than me too. Then I gave him five bucks. Get the fuck away from me now. now. Thank you guys. Hell yeah. Ali. Welcome. You've been on this show before, right?

I've been on twice, but not for a year. Right. Good to see you again. You have a face that I could not forget if I tried. Right, right. Nice soccer vibes. I dig it, man. Right, right. I get called Enigo Montoya quite a bit, actually. Yeah. Anybody ever call you Lafee Gaddafi?

Yeah, and I'm Libyan too, so yeah, it works out. There you go. Absolutely. So we haven't seen you any Tell us about your life. Just doing comedy, delivering Uber Eats, and just trying to get by, I guess. Okay. Awesome. What have you been doing for fun?

Recording a podcast called the Ali USA podcast. Oh, wow. That'll get you through TSA easily. I swear, I swear, let me through. I have a podcast. It's Ali USA. I'm a good guy. Right, right.

Oh, I got my car totaled in an accident like two weeks last, like after I was on here last. Oh, shit. What was it? How was it? I was just sitting at a red light and some dude in a Dodge Ram just totaled the back of my corolla. Wow. And then he got arrested in a golden corral parking lot and cried. Damn. Anytime anybody's crying in a golden corral parking lot.

I think it's because it was closed. It was why. Right. Was it David Lucas? No, I'm kidding. I'm still getting you. You hear me? Ollie. What else? What's your love life like?

Kind of non-existent. It's hard when you don't have a lot of money. Right. I live, I mean, I deliver Uber Eats. Do you ever get an Uber Eat where it's like a single lady and she's like, hey, you want to come in? Not in Austin, in Arizona though, yeah. Oh, shit. Okay. All right. What happened there? I didn't go that far. I kind of chickened out. Oh, interesting.

I'm not into, you know, 65-year-old women. Oh, yeah. You would have gotten a five-star tip, that's for sure. Absolutely. Interesting. So it was an older lady, Uber Eats. Yeah, Nancy Pelosi vibes were going on, so I had to check out. Okay.

Did you think about killing her husband with a hammer? Right. Actually, he didn't die. I forget it. It doesn't matter. Anyway. Ollie, you have any special skills or talents? Well, I can do impressions decently.

I've done some on here before. Okay. Let's see some impressions. What do you got? I can do Alex Jones. Let's see Alex Jones. Well, I'm really happy to be here on the Kill Tony podcast.

You know, this is the best thing going on Nalson, Texas. You can go in InfowarsStores.com right now by the iodine, by the hydroxychloroquine. They're trying to shut me down right now. I have no idea. I'm still on the air. All right, that's pretty good.

You put the sand in sandy hook. You know what I'm saying? It's a good Libyan joke right there. There you go. How about another impression? One more impression. Oh, I did Ben Shapiro on here before. That was the first one.

Let's hear Ben Shapiro. You need to vote for Rhonda Sanchez. If you want to save this country, it's the only way. We've got to take it back from the left. AOC is the reason. This country is falling apart. That is incredible. That is incredible.

That's incredible. How about one more? You got one more for us? One more. Hard to follow that Ben Shapiro. I know. A girl? This is a really, really weird one.

I can kind of do the woman from Polchagee Zelda Rubinstein. Okay, we know her. The classic from 35 years ago. That is the little old lady that is the psychic. I watched the 40-year anniversary, so it's older than that, actually. Let's hear. Yeah, the lady built like Eric Cartman.

Right, she's like, Caroline, come to the like Caroline. Mommy wants to talk to you. That's actually incredible. That is incredible. That is one of my favorite, obscure impressions I've ever heard. The band agrees.

Paul Deamer's blowing his horn over here. I don't even know if it's accurate, but it's still good. It's just weird, right? Yeah, that's very weird. Ali, it's been a year, but you have a joke book from us, right? Yeah, I do. You're out here grinding along, everything's good. Stand-up comedy's going good.

You feel like you're getting better? I do, I do, yeah. I love it. Ollie, I would love to have you on The Secret Show. Awesome, thank you. You already have one of these joke books? I got two of them. Yeah, yeah.

You have two of them. Perfect, then you're good. Thanks so nice for all E Muse, everybody. There he goes. Hell yeah. That was great. We're having fun. You guys ready to put a ribbon on this shit or what?

There's only one way to end an episode like this, and that is with the man who has done more brand new minutes than anybody ever in the history of the show. You might know him as the Big Red Machine, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is William Montgomery. Apparently CNN did an exit poll on race the day of the election. Do you really need a poll for that?

Imagine if my ass walked out and they were like, sir, we need to figure something out about you real quick. Imagine the overly sensitive exit pollster providing horrible data because he's afraid to say black to black people. Would you say you're African from African ancestry? Like, would you say you're more of a threat to take it to the basket or shoot the long jump shot. Excuse me, sir.

Who did you vote for today? And can you dunk? Can I touch your hair? New exit poll. 70% white. 8% no, I can't touch their hair. 4% have never changed a smoke alarm battery. And 10% look Chinese.

So apparently there was a roast of Jay Leno. He got his face burned real bad yesterday. Did you not know that? Okay. So y'all probably heard by now. Now, Jay Leno was seriously burned in an accident inside of a car garage. Investigators initially thought it was a gasoline fire,

but they now have learned he was listening to an A-Fex twin mixtape. But seriously, Jay Leno suffered severe burns to the face in a freak car fire. When asked for a comment, Stivo said, man, that ain't shit. Everybody is always like, I wish MTV played more music videos.

Everybody accepts Stivo's royalty checks. Okay, that's it. Hell yes. William lights out Montgomery. Doing it again. Exit poll jokes. Very, very interesting. Very seasonal. Yeah, I was a little worried there at the beginning.

But then luckily, people started laughing a little bit, very worried at the beginning of that one tonight. And it got better as it went along. Got a little better. How did it make you feel inside when they weren't laughing at the beginning? I was a little fucking horrified. I put a lot of blood sweat and tears into the set tonight, and then when people aren't fucking laughing,

it really puts me on edge. I've had a really hard week. My aunt got trapped inside of a target. It was the weirdest thing. I've had just a really hard week this week. Wait, how did she get trapped inside of a target? She had recently watched the Home Alone 2, lost in New York and

she thought she could get inside of one of the little playhouses in the Target and then rob the target machines later on that night. It didn't really work out. She was just stuck in the play equipment the whole time. They ended up smelling her body. Oh,

wow. Yeah, like a week later. Yeah, she's dead. Oh, wow. That's an amazing reveal. It took us a while to get to the she's dead part. Yeah, she died and then I fucking put my fucking blood, sweat and tears into this goddamn set and people aren't fucking laughing. Yeah, it puts me on edge a little bit, Tony.

Yeah? I swear to God. Yeah? How does it make you feel? It makes me want to talk to my aunt again, but I can't. What would you say to her? God, I miss your baking so much. I miss your sweet notes we would pass in class.

She was an aunt. She was like right by my age. We were best friends growing up. She used to pass me these notes. I really miss those fucking notes. God. Tom, what do you think? You haven't seen William in a while.

How's it? I enjoyed very much. I'm really sorry about your aunt. Thank you. So she was your aunt, but like close and age, one of those? Yes. Yeah, yeah. Same age?

Same age. Same age. Same age. How much older are your parents than your aunt? 15 years, 10, 15 years. 10 to 15 years older. Wow. I'm trying to do the math real quick

on what that question you just asked me I was thinking hold on It's a sensitive week I'm sorry Yeah thank you thank you I like the exit pole stuff though Yeah thank you there's something there baby yeah When you say blood sweat and tears What do you mean?

I mean literally I dropped a cup in my kitchen this week And I accidentally stepped on a bunch of glass So there was literally blood all throughout my fucking apartment this entire week. I couldn't get it up. So, yeah, literally blood. I was crying a lot because my aunt died. So that's the tears.

Bloods. How about the sweat? Ugh. What was all the glass from? I fucking, it was a weird. When I found out about my aunt, I just, when I get mad, I start throwing things or I'll start breaking things.

Yeah, yeah, just doing shit. like that. William, you've confessed to a few murders as of late on this show. Have you been killing anybody lately? Well, I was actually

with Duncan and Fort Worth in Dallas this past weekend. I'm proud to say I only got one person the entire weekend. So normally I think I would have gotten... Okay.

He does this thing where if you take him on the road with you, he murders somebody because they can't track where he is, so it's his way of getting away with murder. Let's go out together. Let's go do it.

Yeah, please, let's do it. Just let me know, let me know. I mean, when can we do it? Let's do this right. Let's figure it out right now. Okay. Okay. You want to come the first week in December?

Yeah. Okay. Cool. Cool. Okay. You have to kill somebody. Okay. Do you want to watch?

I need somebody to hold the camera. Would you be willing to hold the camera? No. Come on. You wouldn't be willing to hold the fucking camera. I'll put the tripod up, but I'm not. gonna hold the, I'll fucking frame it up. You would frame it up for me?

I'll frame up the shot. Would you hide in the closet at least? I want you to watch me. I like to have an audience when I'm doing this show. Would you watch me? Yes. Cool. Let's do it. What would you like a Filipino person? I'd prefer to see an only child, you know? Okay. I can find one of the second.

I'm pretty sure we just saw William get booked by Tom Seguera for a road gig. This could be This could be a good match. You guys go together like a fucking banana. Oh, it's gonna be a good match. Oh, shit. It's gonna be a great match.

I can't. Man, you're gonna love it. There's no better way to end an episode than with the great William Montgomery, everybody. We did it. Get his cameos. He's on cameo. He's making it big through cameo.

Ryan J.E. Belt drew tonight's episode featuring Tom Segura and the great Michael Aaron. And he even got stevo in there. Fucking awesome. All those prints are available, Ryan J.Ebelt.com. That's incredible. Yeah, he draws every episode while it's happening all the way in Los Angeles. It sends it to us.

Guys, how loud can this place get for my great guest, Tom Seguera? He's all over next. Netflix, the best podcasts in the world, resident of Austin, Texas. How about one more time for the band, huh? That's the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Kill Tony Band. That's Michael Gonzalez on the drums, John D's on the keys, Matt Mueling on guitar, Paul Deemer on the horns, and the Great D Madness on the bass guitar.

We love you guys. Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Deep Eddie Buck, and all of our other amazing sponsors, Austin. We love you. We'll see you next week. Thank you so much, everybody. Bye!