KILL TONY - #586 - DEADMAU5 + GEORGE PEREZ

Episode Date: December 5, 2022

DEADMAU5, George Perez, Michael Lehrer, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/14/2022   Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link:  https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv. There you have video portions to all the shows, and you can click on tour dates and come see us live. Not only do we do Kill Tony, but we have also a lot of comedy shows, including the weekly secret show at Vulcan Gas Company every Thursday. You could also go to Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merchandise and go to Ryan J. E. Bell. dot com. He's the house artist. He draws every episode. He sells prints. He sells posters. And Tony is on tour right now. So go to Tonyhencliff.com for everything golden pony. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Hey, this is Redband. Come to you live from Vulcan Gas Company here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode to Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Who's ready to have the best goddamn Monday night of their lives, huh? Make some likes for Brian Redband, everybody. Everybody. Here next to me. This is Keltoni, brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose. The two best strip clubs on Planet Earth just happened to be here in Austin, Texas.

Who likes a good time, huh? Deep Eddie vodka, the best vodka on planet Earth. Also in Austin, local business, unbelievable vodka, fun times. And, yeah, how about a hand for the band, everybody? Guys get to see real live music. That's a screwball peanut butter whiskey, Kill Tony Band. That's the great Michael. Gonzalez on the drums, John Dees on the keys, Matt Muelling on the electric guitar, Paul

Deemer on the horns, and right down the middle there, that's De Madness on the bass, everybody. Shit, feels good in here tonight, as always, in our lovely home of Austin, Texas, and fucking, here's a little bit more about the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you right now. Hey, y'all, you might not know this, but when I'm not being the host of the number one live podcast in the world. What I've been doing for the last 16 years is being a professional stand-up comedian, and I'm excited to say that I'm back out on tour again. December 9th and 10th, I'll be performing in Arlington, Texas.

January 13th and 14th of 2020, I'm in Dallas, Texas. In February 9th and 10th of 2020, I'm in Houston, Texas. Tickets available at Tony Hinchcliff.com. All these shows sell out, so don't be a lot. doofus. Go to the website now. Get tickets. Why, you still can? Hey, y'all, the holidays are just around the corner. Looking for a good gift idea that your parents or in-laws will genuinely love? Well, that's not always that easy. Let's face it. Nowadays, either people are so poor they can't keep their power on, or they have everything that they want and are completely thriving in a booming economy. I know that my mom is

75 years old and out there just trying to keep it together. She has a sore hip and a sore shoulder right now. She's 75. I mean, what are you going to do? We're all getting older. So what I got her for Christmas last year was the skylight. And let me tell you, it is just a perfect freaking gift. Skylight frame is a photo frame. You can update instantly by email from anywhere. It's a great way to feel close to those you love even when you are separated. It sets up effortlessly in under 60 seconds. just plug it in, use the touchscreen to connect to your wireless network, and enjoy. Sending photos to Skylight is effortless. Everyone in the family can use the app or just email them to the skylight, and they'll pop up in seconds.

Redband. Yeah, it's super easy. You know how your parents are. They don't like technology, but this is something that you could just put on their shelf, set it, and go. And it's great because it's a black frame, has a white mat. So it looks just like a real photo frame that adds a beautiful touch to your home. Skylight's frames vibrant touchscreen display lets you swipe through the photos and even tap a heart to let the person who sent it know you loved it. And now you could choose from two size options, the original 10 inch or the new 15 inch frame.

And it has a 100% satisfaction guarantee. If you don't love your skylight frame, then they'll offer you a full refund. And you can preload it with photos of special memories for the perfect personalized gift. import pictures of you and your other spouse, grandparents, whatever, puppies, and they don't even know you had. Well, now they will. I couldn't have said it better myself. Again, I gave my mom one of these last Christmas, and she actually cried tears of joy when all the photos of her grandkids and other loved ones started coming in. Tears of joy.

I was also standing on her foot at the time, but I didn't, all right. You look, people, you get it. Now, as a special offer, you can get free. $15 off your purchase of a skylight frame when you go to skylightframe.com and enter the code Tony. That's right. To get $15 off the purchase of a skylight frame, just go to skylightframe.com and enter the code Tony. That's S-K-Y-L-G-H-T-F-R-A-M-E dot com. promo code Tony. Hey, y'all, I know if you're anything like me, then you are indeed dreaming of a white Christmas. And you know what I think of when I think of a white Christmas?

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Hey, y'all. Michael Lair has a brand new merch store, and there's no better time than now to support one of the great figures in the history of the show. It's really, really, really, really cool stuff. Shirts, hoodies, everything you can imagine. Go check it out.

Michael Lairor.threadless.com. That's Michael Lairr, Michael, L-E-H-R-E-R-D-Treadless.com right now. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? You guys can do better than that. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? I have two unbelievable guests for you. One of them, one of our favorite comedians from Los Angeles, who we haven't gotten to play with in quite a while.

And the other, one of the best DJs to ever exist. Make some noise for George Perez and Dead Mouse. Yeah. We're doing this shit tonight, folks. The great George Perez. Dead Mouse. This is a return to our roots tonight. That is one of the...

Who the fuck was singing that? Is that deemer back there? Holy shit, Paul. Welcome, guys. Hello. Medello and Corona have joined the chat. And that's just George Perez. He is.

What's up, Tony? What's up, my boy? Welcome back, George. It's been a long time. I love you, brother. Indeed. It's been forever. Welcome back.

You're out in LA, just killing it, getting all the diversity hires and shit. Fucking. Out there smashing right now. These bookers are like, we need a couple more Mexicans on the lineup. We have one white guy, so we have to color it up a little bit.

You're out there smashing, though. Late night. Whoa. madness. Sometimes I forget. He's back there. This is Joel from Dead Mouse, everybody. This is the real... Is that the right way to say it?

No. No? No. It's like saying Brian from Redband. Oh, okay. You guys get it. This is your first time sitting on the panel of the show. You're in Austin, Texas right now. How do you feel? Tired. Tired. Tired. Quality and apps, but promptly woken up

that lovely nickelback serenade. That was beautiful. George Perez, we might need you to give our new friend here a bump of cocaine. George, while being one of the great comedians on planet Earth, we'll also sell you cocaine at any point. We're at the... I've known them long enough

now that we can just promote that straight up on the show now. I mean, we live... It's beautiful. We're going to have fun. A ton of comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds. Maybe it's a veteran of a decade or maybe it's their very first time. Maybe it's someone in the audience and maybe it's someone that's been coming here for months trying to sign up and get pulled out of that bucket.

They get 60 seconds uninterrupted if I pull their name out. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear, which is just loud and interruptive and stops them in their tracks. And then I interview them and we all meet the people together. The whole thing's improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Very good. We're going to Started with one of our regulars, everybody. Very, very exciting. He writes and performs a brand new minute every single week.

The guy was living in his van a year and some change ago, and now he's completely rich and happy. This is Hans Kim, everybody. Hey, what's up, guys? Good to be here. I don't mean to brag, but I am verified on Twitter. Thank you. A lot of people think that it should be more difficult.

to get verified on Twitter. I think it should be more difficult to get $8. Get back to work, liberals. If you got time to complain about Musk, you got time to work till dusk. I hate liberals. Liberals are the type of people that

would go to a plantation and try to tip the slaves. I would also hate to be Russian, they're losing a war right now. At least when we lost a war, it was far away. They're losing a war they can drive to. That means Russians want to win this war less than Oklahomans want to go to Disney World. Thank you.

Hell yeah. Hans Kim. Great stuff. Great set. Making it look easy. How you feel, Hans? I feel great, Tony. Thank you for having me. Indeed.

I have you every week. It's good that you say that all the time. I love it. Welcome, welcome. What's been going on this week? I've been to the Los Angeles area. I went to the comedy store. I paid my respects.

Did the Hollywood Improv. Just did a lot of good shows. Sold out three Hollywood Improvs in Ontario, San Jose. That's huge. That's amazing. You're out there doing it. Thank you. Doing exactly what you should be doing.

How's life on the road? Anything crazy happened? You stay at any scummy hotels or anything? I did. I stayed at the Friendship Motor Inn. Holy shit. The Friendship Motor Inn. Where was that?

That was near South Central, near Korea Town. Oh, wow. That is incredible. How many George Perez's did you see there? It was all George Perez's. Even the cleaning maids look like George Perez. Hell yeah. That's the real deal.

The Friendship Motor Inn. How much was a night at the Friendship Motor Inn? $112 a night. Wow. Wow. Wow. Absolutely incredible. What made you pick there? It was cheap and also good quality ratings.

Like I could have gone for $98 a night, but I was like, let's splurge. Oh, wow. Hell yeah. The extra $14 there. Incredible. What would you have gotten for 98th that you, what did you upgrade to? Toilet? It was actually a pretty nice hotel.

They got clean sheets. Oh, the barest of minimums. Very good. They didn't have a Kleenex, so I was just jerking off into toilet paper. Wow, here we go. The Diets are coming out, folks. My goodness, Hans.

Wow. I love it. Tip the slaves, liberals. I was wondering where you were going there. that'll definitely work here. I would love to see that one in San Francisco. I would love to see, Elliot. Why wouldn't we tip the slaves?

They deserve it. I love it. I love it, Hans. What else is going on in life? Anything else crazy? I did two Asian podcasts when I was in L.A. Oh, my goodness. Okay.

I've paid respects to my roots. Been talking a lot on the phone with my girlfriend who's in San Antonio, which is not Austin, kind of far. Right. So we've been talking a lot on the phone. I've been trying to jerk off more on the phone for her. Wow, that is frightening. How does that go?

What types of things do you have her do or say or whatever? I let her out. Is that the sound of Hans jerking off? What happens when he comes? John D's on the Keys. That was fucking amazing. You guys are freaks. I love it.

I love it. Austin, Texas. What noise do you make when you come, Hans? I'm used to jerking off in secrecy, so I've been trying to vocalize more, but now it's mostly like this. Oh, yeah. Oh, gross.

Oh, yeah. That first one got me. It was sort of Asian. He was like, like, whoa. My God, you pull out a samurai sword when you come. I like that. This is your first time seeing Hans?

What do you guys think about Hans? Yeah. I've seen them on all your videos because I watch Kill Tony. And, hey, you got it, man. Hey, like, you look like a stone Mexican. Like, we would have called him

long dong distant dick. Thank you, George. Thank you. I love it. Hey, how did my aunt clean your room? She cleaned it once every five days. Dead Mouse is your first time seeing Hans Kim.

What do you? you think? If a Hans jerks off in a friendship motel does anyone hear it? That's a good question. Yeah, it's oh yeah! They have to pay an extra $8 for that. Hans, you're a machine.

We love you every single week. You're out here killing it, doing one of the hardest things possible. Real jokes. Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody. Come on. You guys ready to get to this fucking bucket? This is where shit gets a little bit wackier. We're about to

need a human being. Could have traveled here a long distance. That's a big thing that happens a lot. Anything can happen. Your first comedian out of the bucket tonight goes by the name of Michael Quinn. Michael Quinn. Here we go.

Michael Quinn. Here he comes, everybody. Make some noise from Michael, everyone. Good evening. Hey, everybody. I'm from Minersville, Pennsylvania. I just passing through the area here. I've been doing comedy for about four years.

and I was in the Army 20 years, and the cane is an injury I got the second time I was in Iraq where in this convoy. The Humvee in front of me turns into a big ball of flames. My Humvee gets blown backwards. We are wheels to the sky.

You know, you're rattled, you're unbuckle, you're getting shot at, you run out, and that Humvee, the only body we found when I ran up there was my company commander, Captain Campos. You wouldn't take a motherfucker would be, alive, let alone conscious he's screaming. Sergeant Quinn, he's missing

his left arm, his left leg, totally blowing the fuck off. What do you say to a guy like that? I'm like, hey, sir, you're going to be all right now. Get it? Oh, you're... Just a... He...

It's okay. It's okay. He didn't get it either. He didn't get it. He died. He was the reason we were in that fucking ambush. Like, we took a wrong turn. Like, this wouldn't ever even have fucking happen to me. Anyway. All right.

There you go. Fuck, yeah. You did it. Michael Quinn, everybody. With what has to be, without a doubt, one of the funniest war flashbacks I've ever seen in my entire life. Thank you. That was wild.

Hell yeah. All right. Michael, let's begin. How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years ago, I started. Okay. But I took a whole, like, the pandemic happened. I took like a good 15 months off, so...

Okay. Wait, what do you mean by Plandemic? You know what I mean. I want to hear you say it, though. You know what I mean. Now, come on. I mean, I know what you mean. You know what I mean.

But I want the listeners to know what you mean. They know what we mean. Now, come on. Come on. But why don't you just say what you mean? Because everybody knows what I mean. Well, if they knew what you mean, then you might as well say it.

the McRib is back You know, hey, you know, I mean You know, go get your fourth booster shot With the free McRib NFT You know, you know what I mean You know? Yeah Now we're talking

I love it And you're from Minersville, Pennsylvania Yeah, that's right The next mountain over from Yingling Beer That's Potsville Yeah, I'm the next town over All right, Miner Sounds like a place that Chris DeLea would like to live.

You know what I'm saying? Shout out to the Little Brown Barrel where I have an open mic to last Wednesday every month. Oh shit. Three more people making that drive now. Yeah. Holy shit. All right. Michael.

See, we're in the Army for 20 years. Yeah. You were all over? Retired arm blade everything. How about a hand for this hero? Huh? This is what it's all about. What do you do now?

What's your life like now? I have an online job. I'm a veterans counselor for like veterans. Kind of like a suicide line kind of thing. Very good. Absolutely. That's awesome. 22 veterans a day kill themselves.

And yeah, yeah. Do a buddy check. Check it on your buddies. Thank you. I love it. Michael. What do you like to do for fun? I have a hip issue.

I have like two hip replacements. But I do like to hike. But like right now. Now it's been an issue, but I hike a lot. I'm an outdoorsy guy in PA, and I have an autistic son. Love you, Warren. Wow, shout out to Warren. A lot of shoutouts here.

You give shoutouts like a fucking black guy on a radio station. This is incredible. You know what I'm saying? Shout out to my open mic at the brown barrel. Shout out to my autistic son, Warren. Cassandra, if you're listening, I fucking love you, babe. I do. I do.

Shout out to my drinking buddy, Tyler and fucking Lancaster. Yeah, good town. I love it. The Amish. Hey, the Amish flu is going around. Uh-oh. From PA. Uh-huh.

Yeah, at first you get a little horse, then you get a little buggy. Okay. All right. Thank you. That shit kills in Minersville. You have no idea. It does. Oh, my goodness.

So does the meth. Yeah, no doubt. Michael, tell us more about your life. What else about you? I drove from PA over to see my son Connery. He's in the Air Force station at Luke Air Force Base in Arizona there, Phoenix.

We have autistic soldiers now? Incoming 750 meters. Yes. Well, that's why. It was those vaccines. That's probably why my son is off. No, okay, I know. I'm not... Oh, shit. This guy's beads of sweat

Start their own conspiracy theories. I love it. You just fucking have little ones crawling out of you. I like it, man. I'm a fan. What do you think is your wildest conspiracy theory that you really believe? I believe that when I got this Arabic tattoo on my arm,

I believed in a drunken state when my dirty whore ex-wife cheated on me when I was in Iraq. I believe that I said, I want you to put here in Arabic, my ex-wife is a whore and then when I got the translation I found out it says no search results

so that's a I'm walking around with no fucking search results on my fucking arm in Arabic that's fucking that you know so that was and for years I walked around with that until somebody told me it actually fucking I thought it said my ex-wife was a whore

so that don't trust if you do an online search result for something like make sure that fucking says the right shit because there's people walking around with tattoos that don't say what they think it fucking do you ever see the Arabic writing on your arm and have a flashback and start shooting it?

Yeah, well, yeah. All right. Thank you, everybody. So you have two kids total? No, I have three children, two grandsons now. Wow, look at you. End of a sec to me, ladies. Yeah.

Wow. You really did? Yeah. Okay. Did you do that here, or did you do that overseas? No, when I got... Because I would not trust the guy that gave you that tattoo to fucking... Well, well, in the Army when you're...

If you have three kids, you can get a vasectomy when you're 26. So I got snip, snip, snip, because I was really potent. Like, I got her... That last son, my last son, I got her pregnant on the Deppel Rivera shot. That's how potent I was. Is she Mexican? Yes. Wow, look at that. Red band.

She is. She is. See? Incredible. See? So you got the operation done where? Schofield Barracks, Tripler Army, an Army doctor did it.

I was so potent. They said my sperm would drill a hole through like a brick wall. Like I would, I would be on the toilet. Like I would tug one out and I'd forget to flush like the next morning to be like a little tadpole like swimming around inside there. That's how potent. Like I had to fucking snip snip, man.

It was, you know. You're fucking wild, dude. When they do the snip snip in the army, is it like they have to cut either the red or the blue wire and they don't know which one's which. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was very easy. Fellas, it's very easy.

Snip, snip, snip is very easy. Ladies, and it's very easy. And you're awake when you do it, right? Yeah. Gross. 20 minutes. From the time you pull your pants down, 20 minutes later, you're pulling back up. And then you get like a bag of frozen peas.

You put them on your sack. You take, what is it saying? In a bottle, take one pill every four to six hours. So take like two or three. Drink a 22 ounce or a hyenkin or Yingland. and then watch SpongeBob. All right. And then...

Thank you, Michael. Yeah. And then there's this discharge. Well, I love your style, man. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. That was a lot of fun. Thank you, everybody. Thanks.

Thank you for your service. Here's a real Texas, authentic Pil-Toney joke book for you to go fill up. You could write on that. You could put it in your shoe and minimize your limp a little bit if you want. You can do a lot with those joke books. Back to the bucket we go.

You guys have it. fun yet? All right, you get it. We're doing this shit tonight. Make some noise to your next comedian, James Harvey, everyone. James Harvey, everybody. One more time for James, everyone.

Hello, Austin, how we doing? I just came here from China's third largest city, Vancouver, to bring you guys proof that Jesus was black, okay? Exhibit A. Homeboy was so bad at swimming, he had to learn to walk on water. Checkmate for Black Jesus. I did just get here from Canada.

I thought I'd get myself a book that told me about all the weird things in different cities, the weird laws. And did you guys know, in Baltimore, it is completely illegal to tell fortunes. Sorry to God. And if you get caught telling fortunes, you can spend up to a year in prison. And that's a law I stand behind, given the fact that no one from Baltimore actually has a future. we've all seen the wire. Let's not give these people any hope. You guys got a good food truck game down here.

I saw a Venezuelan food truck. I was going to get a meal, but I wanted my first Venezuelan culinary experience to be an authentic one, so I skipped dinner and went to bed, hungry. Thank you, guys. That's my time. James Harvey. Representing Canada.

Welcome. Thanks, man. Indeed. How long you've been in the greatest country on planet Earth? Three weeks. Okay. How long are you planning on staying? Forever, but don't tell border control that.

Wow. Did you bring anything to declare? No office. Are you a cop? Yeah. So James, let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've technically like three years, but COVID hit Vancouver pretty hard.

So I've only ever done like 20 or 30 sets in my life and not very good ones. It did hit Vancouver pretty hard. I wish the Plandemic guy was still up here to talk about it. I mean, they really, don't they still, are they still making masks mandatory everywhere? Is that a thing up in Canada still? I worked in film and TV and it is in filming TV. So if you go to work, you have to fucking wear a mask for 16 hours of the day.

And they made everybody get vaccinated. So it's a bunch of vaccinated people with like droopy faces and masks on. See, Signior. Wow. Incredible. Isn't it great to live in Texas, everyone? The shit we take for. granted. Oh my God.

Oh, there's a shooting. Forget it. I'm going to Canada. When I left, I hope you guys appreciate your gas prices because it was just over $9 a gallon in Vancouver when I left. Wow. Wow. What do you think about your leader, Justin Trudeau? I thought he was good when he said we're going to legalize weed and then he fucked everything else up, so

the weed part's pretty cool. You guys should do that down here. The what? The legal weed. You should probably get on that down here. Well, yeah, nothing better than smoking weed when you have a fucking stroke and a mask on. I would love to, I can't wait to come get some of that legalized weed that you have. The fuck are you

talking about, dude? Weed's legal. Ask George Perez for a blunt right now. He'll hand you on. You know what's fucked up is weed is legal and my grandma isn't. Boom. George motherfucking Perez.

Comedy store paid regular. George has been with the show for so long that at one point he was the security guard in a robot suit eight and a half nine years ago on the show. It was in the belly room. Indeed. It was the OG one.

Yep. We were trying to fill it up. $5 a ticket. It was dope though, bro. Like, you've evolved so much. Like, seeing this shit is like when my dad got a job and we got a better TV. Yep. Yep. It's crazy. Oh, I forgot. There's a Canadian

up here. Hey, Canadian. Yo, I'm just kidding. Dead Mouse, famously a Canadian. What do you think about your own kind up here? This is a real Canadian. Vancouver, yeah? I grew up like, do you know the Tri-City Area, Kitchener, Cambridge, Waterloo.

Oh, that's the hood. That's where I'm from. That's where I'm from. Where are you from? Milton. Okay, I'm from Hesbler. Cool. Okay.

I thought we were bonding over a moment there from the same hood. I didn't realize Canada had a hood. Me too. All these goddamn white people moving in. All these people that look like me in this hood. What's the hood like in Canada if you could describe it to us, James? A lot of alleys, a lot of fentanyl, and then a lot of zombie people. That's about it.

That sounds like my hood. Yeah. Yeah. Every hood's the same kind of. A little bit. James, what else? What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that has multiple catfish accounts or something like that.

Those days are long behind me. I've got a girlfriend. Uh-huh. Yeah. What does she do? She's studying. What is she studying? Oh, six grade, something like that, so.

Something like what, what did you say? I said sixth grade. No, she studies psychology. Okay. All right. That was a creepy first answer. It was supposed to be. Right.

I got you. I know, James. Now you're defending it like you're an actual pedophile. It was supposed to be Tony. Totally a joke. Would never do that in a million years. I believe you guys call it the fifth. I'd like to plead it right now.

I don't understand what you're saying, James. A Fifth Amendment. Oh, okay. Sometimes you go off, you start speaking Canadian, and I can't understand you. James, what do you do for work? Right now I'm a tour guide. A tour guide.

Yeah. What are you giving tour guides of? Breweries, wineries, distilleries. Yeah, nothing crazy. Just take people, give them drinks, get them drunk, and then get money. Okay. Do you drink on those tours? I'm not supposed to.

Right. But you're a Canadian rebel, so you go out there and you have a few sips. Ooh. All right, James. What's the craziest thing about your life that we'd be interested to know? What do you think sets you apart from everybody else? Oh, fuck. I don't know, I once

legally entered Nepal riding on a donkey. I don't know, that's a fucking weird story. That is a crazy story. Tell us how you snuck into Nepal on a donkey. Well, I didn't learn the language and I just said, hey, can I have a ride

and a guy put me on a fucking donkey and then put me in the right direction of India and I just didn't stop. Canadians are bullied everywhere they go. Isn't that amazing? Even in India and Nepal, they're like, look at this fucking idiot. Just put him on a donkey and fucking... Oh my God, I love it.

James, congratulations. Good stat. Congratulations. Thanks, man. Much appreciated it. All right, there he goes. James Harvey. We're going to keep moving along.

James, take one of these joke books. How did he do? I don't even remember. There he goes. James Harvey, everyone. All right. You guys want to do something special right now, huh? So David Lucas is out of town.

However, one of our other legendary regulars just so happens to be here and be present and be ready for this moment right now. He is an icon of the show's history. He is the only ever inducted member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame here with a brand new minute live in the flesh. It's Michael

Lair, everybody. Yeah, motherfucker so I was just in Portland two weeks ago for my assistant suicide. Obviously, I didn't go

through with it. In fact, one-thirty people do not go through in it, but the worst part about it was my chatty Uber driver on the way home. Oh, what brings you to Portland? I try to stay silent, hoping she shut the fuck up. And so why are you in Portland by that woman I had exploded from my... And she goes, oh, I heard about that. So are you working tomorrow?

Yeah. I figured if I didn't go through the... with a sister's suicide, I should probably pick up a shift. And then she's like, well, why did he move to Austin? And my girlfriend, look back at me as small, and I yelled,

I don't want to talk about podcasts right now. So I'm wondering, I'm under 24-7 hospice and it's interesting 100% of my nurses are female

and African American and 0% of my nurses have ever heard of Joe Rogan You know what? I'm having the trouble like how do you die with dignity

like you know everyone dies at 30 at 55 and 95 the Black Panther that had a cancer it didn't tell anyone sure I'm a regular on Kenoni

but Chadwick was the mayor Wakanda. I didn't see it. I was scared of any movie that shows them taking over.

I mean Panthers, not blacks. Obviously, I mean Panthers. Imagine Rainey Street or Bridal Party ravaged by a Panther?

Thank you. Wow. Michael Lair with a brand new 3 minutes and 45 seconds. Fucking unstoppable force. Welcome, my friend. That was fucking amazing.

You're doing it. Fucking really doing it. Talking about real shit. You really did move to Portland like four weeks ago and had a scheduled assisted suicide for two weeks ago. And you pulled out and fucking here you are.

You're doing what you love to do. Yeah. Yeah. And I think we can all agree. The acoustics are amazing. You know what? No one called now Hans. He said in this hotel was right by Krain.

town at South Central, which are nowhere near to them. Yet actually, now that you fucking mention it, you are correct. Those are literally like 45 minutes away from one another. Yeah.

Fucking hot. If I was in paralyzed, all those geese would be mine. I love it. Michael, you're an absolute fucking murder, hilarious stuff.

That Uber ride thing is incredible. I imagine that that's got to be real, right? Yeah, that's real. You know, now it's just hard to find my breath for it. But it's a great joke. I should write it down so you all can read it. Michael's one of the funniest human beings to ever be on this show. Fucking incredible stuff.

What else is going on in life? Anything else you want to talk about? Your jokes were absolutely incredible. You did four times the average amount of time that a normal human does. Yeah, I wonder why. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly.

You use the time when you have it, my friend. We'll give you as long as you want. You hear those old shorts of like Eddie Griffin doing three hours at the comedy store and you're like, why would someone let them do that?

It's weird that you take Uber and not lift. Ah, Red Band. Red Band with some insight. Man, they have not invented a car right here for you, yeah, they do.

Yeah, they do. Red Band gets an Uber X, X, X, X, L. Right, say. Told you. But yeah, my girlfriend is in Buffalo, so I am strangers in my house 24-7, and that's fun.

Yeah. Rotating nurses, 24-7. Three a day, working three, eight-hour shifts, right? Yeah, and I have me a studio apartment. Yeah, it is a studio apartment. Yeah. So it's really

24-7 of holding it force. I'd imagine so. Not easy. I would blame it on the chair if I was you. Blame it on the chair.

Blame it on the chair. Blame it on the chair. Blame it on the chair. the shot, on the wine, I blame it on the chair. But when the smell kicks in, that's a whole different thing that, anyway.

Dude, I've been, I've been smelling since my 30-year of diagnosis. Like, I cannot leave now. Yeah, absolutely. He gets to decide

when he goes and how he goes. And how he goes. goes. The great Michael Lair, ladies and gentlemen, Kill Tony, regular. Powerful, hilarious, legend. Make some fucking noise for Michael Lair, huh? Fuck yeah.

You guys having fun out there, huh? Your next comedian goes by the name of Jimmy Clifford, everyone. Here we go. Jimmy Clifford is next on Kill Tony, live in Austin, Texas. How many you guys like when comedians do good on this show. How many you guys like it when comedians do bad

on this show? Make some noise for Jimmy Clifford, everyone. What's up, everybody? Hi. My name, thank you. My name is Jimmy, and yes, this is what happens when you listen to too much machine gun Kelly. Actually, my friends call me

Beijing Gun Kelly, but that's a separate thing. Anyway, I don't know if you heard this, but recently, Crayola just released a pack of 24 different skin tones in the year 2020 can you think of a scarier job than having to name them

dude I don't give a fuck there's no ice road trucker braver than the guy that pulled medium deep almond out of his ass okay if I showed up to work and they're like hey Jimmy today you're going to be naming skin tones fuck that I quit

you know no one with my skin complication can do that job I would show up on day one, they'd be like, okay, who has any ideas? And I'd be like, clearly the black crayon should be the longest. Yeah, and the yellow one should be the shortest. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. The yellow one should be the shortest.

Okay. Hi, guys. Okay, Jimmy Clifford. There you go. You ended your set. Very fun. Jimmy, you've been on this show before, right? I have not.

Really? First time. Wow. Incredible. Well, welcome. welcome. You're one of the funniest gay Targaryans I've ever seen in my entire life. Thank you. This guy fucking fucks dragonback style. You know what I'm saying?

I do. It's true. Jimmy Clifford. How old are you? 26. How long you been doing stand-up? Six years. Where at? Three years here in Austin and then five years or I guess three years in New York. Oh, okay. It was weird. I don't count the pandemic, so. You mean the pandemic?

The pandemic. All right. So three years in New York. New York in three years here. What made you move to Austin three years ago? The pandemic. Oh, okay. Yeah, that'll do it. I was going crazy, man.

If I can't tell dick jokes, the strangers, I don't know what to do. Right. Exactly. That's interesting to me because it doesn't look like you get out in the sun very much whatsoever. I hang out in the back of comedy clubs. Right. Exactly. What do you tend to do?

You just go on stage and then hang out with comedians? Yes, sir. What else? What do you do during the day? I mean, not a lot of much. I like to read. Uh-huh. Yeah.

I typically I'm not awake during the day, so that's a hard question. Are you a gamer? No. I'm horrible at video games. Weird. All right. Do you have a color for a crayon like me? Caramel.

Would it be like the overtime crayon? No, it's because you're sweet. Oh. Dude, George, you're about to get your... Your dick sucked by the lesbian, dude. This shit's unbelievable. All right. Do you guys think I have a chance?

That's some... Yeah, I'm gonna put this down. Come on, George. I'll give you some blue-eyed babies. Let's go. Oh, my goodness. You could get Jimmy pregnant right now. Oh, you could.

I'm very fertile. Yeah, it'd be weird. You guys could make a fucking Dulceece baby, right? Fucking pasty, white and fucking... I don't know. I love it.

Are you gay, Jimmy? I'm not gay. No. Are you a lesbian? Oh, yes. I am a lesbian. Very good. What's your love life?

Like, Jimmy, you seem like the kind of guy that's fucking into some crazy shit. I mean, I have a girlfriend. You do? I do. How long have you been with her? I would say about a month, but we met about three months ago.

Okay. I met her at the Fringe Festival in Scotland, and then she came here. So now she's here. She came here to be. with you? Yeah. Whoa. Incredible. Is she all pasty

and shit too? Yeah. Well, you know. Yeah. What does she do? She studies law. Wow. Yeah. She studies law and hangs out with you.

I know. It's a dichotomy. Just a fucking sleeping fucking McCauley Culkin's nephew all day. Yeah, that's okay with me. Incredible. What do you tend to eat? It looks like you don't get much iron in your diet.

Just pussy mostly. That's the problem. Oh, I see. Very interesting. Very interesting. Is it your own pussy that you used? Tony, how do you think I got good at it? Incredible Jimmy. What else do you do?

What do you do for fun that's not comedy-related? Like I said, I like to read. Oh, God. Stop saying that. I don't know what else, dude. I have a boring. My whole life is just run stand-up. You drink?

I don't do drugs, but I like to drink. Okay. Why do you look like you do all the drugs? Because it's cool. Have you ever thought about eating something other than pussy, like a slice of bread or something? No, I don't like the taste. Wow.

Incredible. Incredible. He's a cannibal. He only eats pussy. I just called you a pussy again. That's okay. All right. Jimmy, tell us something interesting about you.

You're not allowed to say that you fucking read. Give us one more thing. Fun fact about Jimmy Clifford. Something interesting about me? I travel a lot. I do. I go all over the world. Yeah.

You ever go on a donkey ride into Nepal? Not yet. Not yet, but I just, I came back from the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. I was there for a full month, just drinking with the Scots. Right. Okay.

All right. You ever been to Scotland? No. You drink some iron brew? Some what? Did you drink some iron brew? I drank a lot of, a lot of things. I don't really, I don't ask questions, you know?

This guy drinks pussy, too. Yeah, I do. He didn't read the label. Do you ever hear of Buckfast, Tony? Buckfast? Yeah, Buckfast. It's a drink they have in Scotland, and they did a study. 90% of the aggravated assaults in Scotland

were a direct result from someone drinking Buckfast. Wow. That's a lot. Is that a whiskey? No one knows what it is. It's like, I think, a tonic wine. Okay. All right.

with HGH or something Why didn't it make everyone so angry? I just think it gives them confidence. Okay. Is your girlfriend a fan of your stand-up comedy? If she's not, she doesn't talk about it, so that's a good thing. Absolutely, that is a good thing.

All right. Her parents are very, like, intelligent, which is uncomfortable because the only thing they see about me is my dick jokes online. And so they're like, he seems nice, you know. Okay.

Yeah. Interesting. All right, Jimmy. Well, continue to do stand-up comedy. You're doing it, dude. You're out here in Austin, Texas. What's your favorite thing about living in Austin? I like the attitude of Austin.

I feel like when I was in New York, everyone was rushing to die. I liked the attitude of Austin right up until you said that you liked the attitude of Austin. And now I just realized I no longer like the attitude of Austin. It's too friendly for Tony. part of it, then I don't like the attitude. You look like you sing in the shower, like,

it was the summer of friendship. You sing stuff like that? Tony, are you telling me you don't sing in the shower? No, I do. You do, exactly. I don't sing what you sing. Hold on. These guys are going to...

What do you sing, Tony? What do you sing? I want to know. I sing fucking... I sing R. Kelly, and I pee in the shower. That's what I do. That's what I do. Very good. It's a Newark Kelly documentary coming out on a... There's a new art... All right, that's enough.

No, I'm not going to do it. You're making me have to go to the bathroom. Stop it. Jimmy, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. We'll see you again soon. Here's a joke book. You want one of these?

That's real Texas leather right there. Cheers. You should eat steak and go out in the sunlight until your skin is that color. One more time for Jimmy Clifford, everybody. Mel Safi. Mel Safi is next on Kill Tony. Mel Safi?

She's upstairs and she's pregnant. Wow, that's a lot of information. She's upstairs and she's pregnant. Is it she the girl that we had on a few weeks ago? Yeah, I think it was last week. Yeah. Mel Safi, get your pregnant, slow ass down here. This is great. Here's you go.

That baby's going to be ready for delivery by the time this bitch gets down here. Here she is everybody, the very pregnant Mel Safi. Thank you for your patience. Hey guys, I'm Mel. My pronouns are they and them because I am two people right now. I'm really loving the energy here tonight. How's everybody doing? Really high vibes. It feels like the perfect time to let you guys know that my dad's been in prison my entire life. This guy knows what I'm talking about. It's true he actually escaped federal prison. That's my favorite reason that he's in there now. He took my mom, my sister, and me crossed the border into Mexico

where he assumed a new identity and became a police officer. Where was that border wall when Mexico fucking needed it? I am actually a Latina. I know you were all guessing that already. I do not like to clean, though. Sorry. It's probably really disappointing to my people. I'm a housewife with a wop, not a mop. The first time that I met my cleaning ladies, I started to make you look to them.

Whoa, there you go. Mel Safi. Yeah, it's okay. That's how you got pregnant. You don't know when to pull out. That's Mel Safi, everybody. Welcome back to the show. You were on last week, right? Two weeks ago. Oh, okay. Well, welcome back. How do you feel? I'm shocked that I got called up again. I'm excited. Yeah, it's interesting.

You look like you're in like a slutty Halloween costume or something like that. Like it's like some wacky character. You're like Casey Anthony or something like that. You look like a commercial for why abortion should be legal. Oh, oh, shut the fuck up. Fucking pussies. Mel Safi's laughing at it.

You guys are going to groan this table of Karen's right here. Jeff Bezos hanging out with three Cairns tonight. Look at this shit. He could be with anybody in the world, and he's with the fucking school board over here. Mel Safi, how's it going? How do you feel? Tired.

Oh, my goodness. That's such a pregnant answer. So, when's the baby do? March. March. Okay, so it's right around the corner. If your water breaks, does that mean you have a wettest-ass pussy?

If your water breaks, and you're laying down and it rolls down your back, what would you call that? A wet back? There you go, very good. She said it, not me. This is my new device. Thank you.

Thank you. I'm not allowed to say that anymore, but I got her to say it. Why'd you look at me, though? Because I gave you a shot. I gave you a shot. I'm like, you want to fucking pass it out that way? I love it.

Very good, Mel. So tell us more about. your life. What do we not know about you? I told you a lot tonight that you didn't hear last two weeks ago. I'm kind of boring. I'm just a mom. I volunteer a lot. I miss drinking. Is that true about your dad though? That, I mean... That's a true story. That's insane. Yeah, yeah. He escaped. I lived in Mexico

for like two years because we were on the run. I was a toddler, so I barely remember it. And my mom left him, so we came back into the country behind us back one day and he got home and we were gone. so he wanted to come get us so he tried to come back into the country presumed his brother's identity at the border and didn't know his brother was wanted for some other shit

Oh no Damn This is the most fucking Mexican shit I've ever heard of in my life I feel like it's Thanksgiving dinner right now She looks like wacamole too She does

She does Saffy this is an incredible look is that dress like built for pregnancy i don't understand how this works that's incredible where do you get something like that this is a bump suit wow is that what they call it wow oh my goodness i went from taking bumps to wearing bumps suits wow is that true you're out there doing little fucking bumps raising babies sometimes wow everybody here knew you're latina because you came to work pregnant George Perez, baby.

That's what I'm talking about. That's what the fuck is up. That's true. I don't have the cleaning stereotype, but I make a lot of babies. I tend to over-dress to things. I'm late all the time. My dad's in prison.

Wow. Sound like my family. I'll see you on Thursday, right? Right. I'm actually not Mexican, no, I'm Cuban. Oh, wow. Okay. All right.

I can tell you. your wacamole because you let a lot of people dip. You fucking slut. Remember the guacamole is extra. It's not cheap. Oh my goodness. Wow. This is...

Extra 75 cents at Chipotle. All right, Mel. Well, you got pulled out of the bucket again. You're very, very lucky. You've been on stage a total of four times, right? Two on Joe Rogan shows during Q. and A's, which is a crazy story that we found out about the last time you were on this show, and now

you've been on two episodes of Kill Tony. Yes, I actually also did a show last night somewhere, so I'm trying to try to do more. Okay. Yeah. All right. How's the baby doing? Is it fucking... When you bomb, does it kick? Okay. It's a he? It is. For now. Oh, okay. That's why... You never know. You never know these days. That's why she's so funny. There's a man inside of her right now.

Now, that's why... Yes, I said it. You're supposed to say them inside of them. All right. Mel, congratulations. You got up again. I've already given you a joke book, right? I do have one. Okay, there you go. Mel Safi, everybody.

We're going to keep... We're going to keep flying through it here. We're having fun. This is good. Oh, my goodness. This is a very special moment. I know for a fact that this is this man's third time ever on the show, because the first time was so fucking memorable

that it was crazy. He said nothing. His entire first minute on this show. And then, and he destroyed as hard as we've ever seen anybody kill. His second time on this show, he spoke. It did not go so well. This is his third time ever on the show.

Already a legend in Kill Tony folklore. Make some noise for the third ever appearance by Michael Malamud. Michael Malamud, live in the flesh, Austin, Texas. I'm excited to be here too. Sorry about the delay in return. I was sleeping under a wet rock under the building for the last six weeks. Taking a little nap.

Salamander. Rain came and I got flooded out. Had to get up here. Saw kill Tony happening. Said, fuck it. Round three. I had the craziest dreams down there, something about Kanye and the Jews. Anyway, but I'm always going to run it to the bear, man.

I mean, you didn't really run it to the bear, but... Okay, Michael Malamud, everybody. How about another round of applause for Michael? Michael, how do you feel like that win? Better. Yeah? Better than the second time, but not, like, the first, right? No, but, you know, it takes time with me.

I would almost argue the opposite. I would say that you... Yeah, okay. Well, I... Yeah. I agree. I agree with you and I agree with me. Thank you, Michael.

You look like that all the time, don't you? Yes. Do you ever do funny things looking the way that you look? Like, do you ever just go up to, like, coffee shop windows and stare and, like, pointed people or anything like that? Like, I feel like if I looked like you, I would do, like, fun things to frighten people. Yeah. My everyday life, up until and including maybe this point, has been extremely humiliating. Can you tell us more about that? Can you describe that better for it?

Oh, I'm a 30-year-old man without a driver's license in America. I ride a bicycle to get to open mics, and I lock it up like it's a Corvette because I got my bike stolen a few weeks ago. And I fumble with it, you know? It's beautiful. I'm going to have to get their names someday. Where did your bike get... Where did your bike get stolen from Michael? Outside of the creek in the cave,

a few days after I got fired from that plumbing customer service job. And like maybe a couple days or a week before that first kill Tony set. Okay. Yeah. Okay. Mm-hmm. Do you have any idea where I went? Probably into a crack deal

If I know the creek in the cave And 35 Yeah, yeah 7th Street That is true Yeah I can get it back for you Yeah

Yeah Is there anything special About the bike that got stolen? Oh, it had a crate in the back I used to be able to get my groceries in it Oh my goodness That's incredible Wow

Are you E.T? Dude, I I think I'm an alien. I don't think I'm E.T. That guy's hack. Right. Right. Absolutely.

Okay. So do you ever paint like happy trees or anything like that? No, but I've been thinking about starting this thing where I do like a live video show where I take comedians who don't like hiking, walking through the woods, and then I kill them. Holy shit. Has anyone ever told you? that you look like you're turning into a gay werewolf? No, has anyone ever told you that you look

like the epitome of a gay man? Yes, yes they do. They tell me that every single week. I told them in the green room, actually. Yeah, literally, that's what everyone says about me. So I've heard. Indeed, literally, on the show. Michael, what's something interesting about you

that we don't know? I got slimed on Nickelodeon when I was a kid in Orlando. No way. Holy shit. The American Dream. It was fucking amazing. Oh my goodness. Were you on Double Dare?

Where were you? No, it was a private event, but I have the pictures to prove it. It was a private event? It wasn't a private event, but it wasn't videotaped like Slime Time Live. It was just like a Nickelodeon like you go through, and then it was some kind of show.

It was like Dube. Pornhub. It's on Pornhub. Red Band says it's on Pornhub, so it's on Pornhub. A private sliming. It's hard to describe. Every time I say it, it sounds creepy.

Yeah, it really does. Yeah. It was a private event at Penn State University. I just, they put a blindfold on me, and then I started getting slimed everywhere. It was very bizarre. Was this in West Hollywood? Yeah, there's a category for that on Pornhub. Yeah.

Wow. Incredible, Michael Malamud. So what about your current life? What is your actual living situation? I believe the Under the Rock thing, but I also imagine like a pile of cardboard boxes or something like that. I live in a one-bedroom apartment with a roommate.

Okay. Oh, sure. You're in the living room? No, bedroom. Typically, historically, I was in the one-bedroom, but now I'm living with someone. Lost the job, so he kind of... So how are you making money now?

Well, I work at a... I got a new job. What do you do now? Well, I'm at a food truck and I work at Juice Land. Whoa. Yeah, I don't know for how much longer now, but... Right. Yeah.

Right. Incredible. Incredible. Juice land. He said that first. Yeah. All right, Michael. How do you like working there?

What's your favorite or least favorite thing about that? Oh, I like it a lot. It's my favorite thing is juice. and my least favorite thing is working. Wow. Wow. Wow. It's interesting because Kanye West's most favorite thing is working

and his least favorite thing is juice. Come on. Stupid. Stupid but in the moment. Michael Malamud, congratulations. You got on this show again. We'll see you again soon. There he goes, Michael Malamud.

Are we already there? Should we go to this bucket again, huh? Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Ryer-Camerman. Ryer-Camerman-girl. Okay. It's a girl named Ryer-Camerman. Make some noise for Ryer, everybody.

It's your turn, right. Residents, no, I can talk. Friends, so fun. Names Ryer, if you're not sure, it just sounds like a gay lion. Rar, I'm so vicious. I just moved into somebody's house, and they don't know I'm there yet, but that's fine.

I've been dressing up like a pillow case. You know, Ryer, you mean a pillow? No, the case, I'm a protector. But I don't have a special friend to protect, you know. What? Nobody wants a bite of that mystery airhead, Rye? Come on. They don't want to spin the wheel of sexuality.

No, because when you date me, you're playing roulette, you know? It could be a lesbian, maybe transgender, right? Possibly one of those really woke straight women. I've become their victims. Right, thanks. Hey. Ryer. Very funny.

Hello, welcome to the show. Thanks. You're incredible. Thank you. Fuck yeah. How long you've been doing stand-up? Like a year and a half. A year and a half.

You seem like you're fucking built for this. Thanks. Where are you from? So I just moved here from Chicago. Okay. And you chose Austin as the place to go. What made you pick Austin? Well, I came.

I visited, because I had a couple of friends here, I visited to see the scene, and I bombed so hard, and they hated me, and I just decided I need to come figure it out. Wow. Incredible. I love it. Awesome.

You are one of the funniest high school football coaches we've ever had on the show. I love this vibe. What do you do for fun, Ryer? I do a lot of unicycle. I like to write. I have pugs. I do a lot of stuff. Are you a lesbian? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Just making sure, because I don't know what's what anymore. like your pussy eats back, by the way.

That fucking thing. That thing's... Dude. I feel like we've met on lesbian dating. No doubt. No doubt. I'm there. I'm there.

I'm just like you. It's like a reverse you. I'm a reverse you. We're basically like arch nemesis. Like if this was a Marvel movie, we would fight. Feminine guy versus... What would we... Masculine girl or something like that.

Gary Busy. What? Yeah, yeah. Ryer, so what do you do for work? I'm a nanny. Oh, you're a nanny, okay. Hell yeah, okay. And you're currently employed, taking care of kids?

Yeah, yeah. Okay. You seem young. I'm 21. 21 years old. Wow, look at you. Incredible. Thanks.

So, let's talk about it. What's the difference between Chicago and Austin? It's really, like, I think stylistically is completely different. Like, I think... Wow. Yeah, look, we have dumb bitches here, too. It's incredible. It's unbelievable. No.

Real stupid people. It is. So, I think, like... That one drove from Flugerville to be here tonight. You could just... You could tell. You could tell there's a deep drunken sadness within those walls.

Yeah. It's really different. I think in Chicago, there's a lot more, like, storytelling here. It's faster-paced. Yeah. Content's completely different. Like, the stuff I can talk about there.

I can't talk about here at all. Like what? I think people I love Chicago but the gay stuff works a lot better there I can't do it as much here because people don't like it Interesting It's much

They get kind of mad you know Sometimes I just pretend to be a guy I'm like I'm Charlie You know That's incredible Now have you always known that you're into women Yeah I mean I think so like I've had

I dated a guy when I was like 14, but then he came out as gay, like a month later. Oh, hell yeah. So I knew pretty much. Right. Yeah. I didn't know that's how that worked. I didn't realize it was like an STD or something like that,

where you can just catch gay, but I guess that works out. Very, very interesting. What do you like to do for fun, non-comedy-related? Well, I like writing a lot. I like unicycling. You really unicycle? Do you have a unicycle with you? Damn.

That'd be so weird. Yeah, no, it would be great. It would be cool, though. We have a ramp and everything, ready to fucking rock. That's incredible. How long you've been unicycling for? Because I was a kid. Since I was like eight, maybe.

What was harder? Telling your parents that you're gay or that you're a unicycler. Stupid. So dumb. No, I think they didn't know I was gay for, like, till recently. Whoa. Oh, my God, really? Oh, yeah.

Are your parents D madness? This is incredible. How did they not fucking know? Yeah, I was on the wrestling team through high school. Really? Yeah. I was like the only woman on a men's wrestling team. They didn't know.

Oh, and I bet you fucking killed it. I can just tell by the way you're shaped that you'd be a good wrestler. I love it. Dude, I love wrestling. I'm obsessed with wrestling jihitsu. Incredible. Wow, that is amazing. You could probably beat anybody's ass in this room right now.

That's just hilarious to think that a 21-year-old girl could fuck some people up. I would not fuck with you, Ryer. You seem like a rock star. You ever have to defend yourself? You ever have to fight in the real streets? Dude, I've been mugged so many times. Wow. Chicago.

Shout out to Chicago. One of the most liberal cities in the United States of America. Amazing. Amazing. You've been mugged so many times. Like four times in April. Because I used to live in my car, and I would, like, walk around, like, to get out of the car and, like, write jokes and shit. Right.

And people would just come up to me and, like, grab my bag. Because I don't know. I was just really easy. I wasn't intimidating, I guess. Right. Not a pillar of that. Yeah. That wouldn't happen here in Texas.

You look like you have a gun. You look like you have a gun for sure. I have a gun. I don't have any guns. I was going to get a gun. Like people told me to, but I was just like, I don't want to. Because I lived in my car here too. I was like, I don't want to fucking sleep with a gun because it's always there.

How many knives do you have? I have like three that I got from home with people. bought from them. Incredible. How much scissoring do you do? I'm a virgin, I think. What do you mean you think? Well, I got, like, naked in front of a woman

one one time, but we didn't do anything. Holy shit, you're like the girl from Monster. Remember the girlfriend of the serial killer? You know who I'm talking about? I think so. You need to watch that movie. Christina Richie's character in that, right? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, it's good. You're her. So wait, is that true? Well, I had like, so she was, it was kind of like a, it was like a dating app that we met through and we like went to my place and she got naked and she's like,

I'm just going to paint you and she like painted a picture of me. Oh, lesbians are crazy, dude. Holy shit. That's first base when you're a lesbian and just like, let's get it started. That's how we did. You just painted each other?

No, I didn't paint at all. She painted. She's like a really good painter. Did she finger paint? Is this real lesbian? I'm like, you guys like that one. That's awesome. Now.

Dude, I wish. I think, I'm just so bad, like with women. I don't know how to talk to them. I don't know. Damn. It's hard. Really? Yeah.

Oh, shit. We're going to help you. We're going to help you, Ryer. We're going to make you, you're going to be eating pussy like Joey Chestnuts eats hot dogs any day now. We're going to help you here. Keep signing up. Come back again.

You're very, very funny. Ryer, take one of these with you. That's a big, real fucking chokebook by the great bonsai. B-O-N-E-Z-E-Y-E. That was awesome. Ryer cameraman. The first appearance on Kiltoni. I don't know.

I think we should do one more bucket pool. What do you guys think? One more? Okay. That's it. We could check a lot of diversity off of our checklist for tonight's show. We hit like four things

just with Ryeer alone just then. All right. Rodolfo Reyes, everybody. Rodolfo Reyes. I'm guessing he came with George Perez from L.A. The name like that. Here comes Rodolfo, everybody.

Your final bucket pool of the night. You guys having fun out there, huh? This crowd sucks Make some noise one more time for Rodolfo everybody What's up guys, what's up? Demby Lovato is not using the pronouns They Them She went back to She Her

Demby I don't care where you call yourself I'm still gonna fuck you Demby's hot as fuck guys I'd suck a fart out of that ass Do you ever look at a dog owner and be like Yeah he definitely fucks his dog Like, you know I'm talking about that guy That takes his dog everywhere

Like, bro, your dog doesn't go to the bank Leave his ass at home Probably puts fucking peanut butter on his nuts too Fucking dog fucker I did shrooms for the first time A couple weeks back Yeah, okay, okay, okay I felt like Eliza Thornberry

I started talking to animals Meow, that's a cat talk for Let's Fuck I'm tired of fat bitches not being themselves when they go out in public to go eat especially when they order a fucking salad like Haley, who the fuck you're kidding? You're 400 pounds. Get that fucking four by four animal style

and pick the fuck out, you know? Hell yeah. Let's see. I didn't hear the cat, I'm sorry. There you go. Thank you, Redband. Very good stuff there. Rodolfo Reyes.

Yes, sir. I don't know what that was, but you're basically a piece of shit, dude. Came out guns-a-blazing just fucking hitting on Demi Lovato from our podcast. Super creepy. You got any pets? I have a Frenchie back in California, but yeah. Wow. Russell, I miss them.

Okay. I bet you do by the sound of your set where people are just randomly fucking their... I'm not a dog fucker though, no, no, no, no. Okay. He didn't come with me, dog. I don't know. Okay, Rodolfo. Did you once try to get over the border by saying that you're your brother and that...

No, I'm not that Mexican, I guess. Okay, where are you from? I'm originally from Orange County, California. How long have you been in Austin? For about six months. Okay, what brought you here? Comedy. Really?

Yeah. Really? Yes. How often do you do this? I just started. in May on my birthday. I did my first open mic at the Creek and Cave and I've been doing it ever since.

Okay. What do you do for a living? How do you make money? I currently work at HGB. Wow. Okay. Fuck that place. No, I'm just kidding. Okay. What do you do there? I pretty much make sure everybody's working, you know, just walk around. You're the manager?

I'm the boss. I'm the big boss. Get the fuck out of here, dude. Yep, the big boss. Holy shit. I don't think, I think you're going to get fired for this. I don't think you're going to survive this one, dude. That's fun. Wow, you just walked right into Austin and got a job managing an H.E.B. How'd you pull that off? I just walked in and they hired me on the spot.

I don't know. I guess it's that easy, you know? They hired him in the pet aisle. I'm a pet specialist, yeah, for sure. Rodolfo, tell us more about your life. What do you do when you're not doing stand-up? Oh, let's see. I like to eat. Let's see

I watch a lot of I guess like Netflix, Hulu stuff like that What else? There isn't really much to do around here I mean there's a lot of outdoorsy stuff You know I'm not really into that But yeah

I'm just pretty much hang out I guess So you just Lay around watching Netflix? Pretty much If I'm not working I'm doing comedy stuff So yeah but other than that

Nothing much really. Nothing at all. No. Interesting. How about six months ago when you were in Orange County? Did you have more hobbies or something there? So yeah, I grew up racing motocross. We did that for a while.

I worked at a motorcycle shop for like 10 years. Okay. Before coming over here. So yeah. You ever seen a lesbian on a unicycle? No. So I'm hoping right shows me that later on. They don't use the seat.

Oh, shit. It's just straight pole? Nice. No lube either. No lube either. Thank you for tagging my job. jokes with bad tags, Rodolfo. It's always good to smother out the laughter when it happens.

You've really learned a lot from six months at the creek in the cave. Rodolfo, what makes you think that you should be doing stand-up comedy? I love it, so I'm going to keep going. Right. I love it. How old are you? I'm 29. 29.

Yeah. Okay. Hey, Tony, I'm from Orange County. Yeah. I'm from San Ana. No way. Born and raised. All my baby's moms are from Sanana.

Yeah. That's what's up. There you go. I probably know them too. Do you go back home a lot or no? If we find out George is his father right now, I'm going to be so excited. Primo. It's my prima.

What were you going to say, though? Actually, so last week, my dad just passed away on Tuesday. And then my cousin passed away on Friday. So I'm definitely going back to California for the funeral. You are from San Anna. You're going back Friday. I'm probably going back in a week or two. That is incredible.

You died on stage tonight. What is happening with this family? Oh my God. The good thing about him being Rodolfo Reyes is he still has 95 living relatives. Let's go. Tony, but like you're supposed to say it, Santana. Santana, yep.

Big bad Santana. How did your father pass away? What happened? He was sick for like eight years. He had like multiple strokes. He was a diabetic. So his health is just declining over and over. Right, right, right.

Eventually, you know. Okay, yeah, that's a much sadder answer than I was hoping for. Rodolfo. Well, fun times. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book. Welcome to stand-up comedy. We believe in you, Rodolfo.

Thank you, thank you. There goes. Rodolfo Reyes, everybody. All right. There's only one place to go from here, ladies and gentlemen. Your final comedian of the night is the longest-standing regular in the history of the show. show. He has performed more new

one-minute sets than anybody ever has ever in Kill Tony history. The man is an icon. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, the Vanilla gorilla. This is the great. William Lights out Montgomery. Rumor is Dasha from

the Red Scare podcast is dating Louis C.K. That actually makes me feel better about banging Ben Shapiro. News continues to come out the death of the Green Power Ranger. And at this point, I think everyone is just trying to figure out what he was doing

in that village in Pakistan when he detonated his bomb vest. The biggest problem with today's youth is that none of us keep... God damn it! I thought the fucking Power Ranger thing was going to be electric. It was?

Okay, the biggest problem with today's youth is that not another... Let's try this for the third time. The biggest problem with today's youth is that not enough of us keep calm and chive on. Okay, not a lot of payoff for messing it up. The midterms happened last week, and now Herschel Walker is in a runoff election.

If only he had let all his illegitimate children get born. They could have put him over the top. This just is. Rita Rapulsa is being flown to Guantanamo Bay for involvement in radicalizing the Green Power Ranger. Okay, that's my... William Montgomery. Unbelievable.

I really messed up to keep calm and try one thing. That's one of the rare jokes that was funnier on the mess-ups than it was when you got it all the way out. It was. I should have just left it and continuing not to be able to say that. but I didn't do that. I love this. Okay, very good.

You're wearing two different types of denim tonight. I am. Yes. Is this in honor of Jay Leno's garage fire, something like that? It is. Yeah, I don't know if y'all saw the news today, but he actually died from his injuries. So rest in peace.

Jay Leno, yeah, I'm wearing this tonight for Jay. Yeah. Jay Leno is dead. Tell everybody that you know Jay Leno died. You got your news from William Montgomery. Yeah, he died a couple hours ago. It was really long. It was bad. Yeah, he died a couple hours ago, but he's in heaven now.

He's a big Christian. This is breaking news with William Montgomery. Jay Leno has passed away. But again, he's probably in heaven. He's a giant Christian. I don't know if y'all knew that about Jay Leno. He's a very outspoken Christian. So he's up in heaven.

He's in a better place. So that's what we're all dwelling on now. Not the fact that he's on this earth being hurt, still just struggling. He's in heaven now. So you don't have to worry about him. If you could tell Jay Leno something, if he was listening up in heaven right now, what would you tell Jay Leno?

A couple of years ago, when I made that advance at you in the bathroom, at the Chili's, why didn't you kiss me back? Wow. Yeah, I used to fucking go after people in the bathroom at Chili's, man. That was my place.

And Jay Leno didn't kiss you back. He didn't, no. My face was on his face. My lips were on his lips for a couple seconds, but he did not put his tongue back in my mouth. My tongue was in his mouth. He did not put his tongue in my mouth, so it wasn't mutual. Wow.

Incredible. What else is going on in your life this week, William? Tell us more about... Well, it's Black Friday on Friday. Bacon soda! Yeah, love Black Friday. Red Band, I sent you that list, I think. Are you going to give me all those things

on sale for Black Friday. I sent you a long list earlier. I emailed it to you. Did you get it? Yes. What is it? Tyquand Do Girl 27 at Gmail. That's who I sent it to.

Isn't that your email? Yeah. Okay, yeah. Why are you doxing me right now? It's always a great improv showcase when Redd Man and William get together for some of their unbelievable riffing.

Fantastic. William, what else is going on with you? You got a new belt buckle there? I do. Yeah, this is actually solid gold. I have become a spokesperson for the Chili's restaurants. The Chili's, yeah, they send me this solid gold bell buckle, and I actually hit somebody so hard in the fucking face with it last night.

This is actually, I think, it would be a big upgrade for my other belt I was using to strangle people with. Deadmail 5. I don't know if you knew this, but I actually strangle people with my belt. So now this one I can hit him on the head and then strangle them. Oh, wow. George and I did that a couple years ago in Tijuana, remember that? George was fucking nuts.

We were doing so much cocaine. That was so fun. What else did you do that night? Tell us more of the details. Oh, man. Do you want to tell them? We went to Hong Kong. Oh, shit.

He stole those shoes from a Mexican. I love stealing shoes for Mexicans, so you're right about that. What do you love more than stealing shoes from Mexicans? Oh man, probably stealing necklaces from... Okay, dokey. Let's just keep moving along here. William, is there anything that you're passionate about this week? Yeah, I started reading my favorite author of all-time.

Cormac McCarthy released a new book this past month. I read 200 pages in the past two days. I'm literally about to go back to my place after this and hopefully finish it in the next day or two. Wow, another person... Called the passenger. I don't know if anybody... likes Cormac McCarthy.

He's probably the best living author. Only people in the balcony respond. Damn. But yeah, very exciting. I've literally spent the past, I don't know, 10 hours the past two days reading it. Wow, I love it.

I love it when comedians talk about how much reading that they've been doing on the live podcast that we're on right now. Incredible. Anything that you're passionate about this week? Yeah, I'm passionate about finding out what this bitch just said. What did you just fucking say. What did you say? What did you say during Williams set?

Yeah, I saw that cock sucker moving. I was just wondering what the fuck was coming out of your dumbass fucking mouth, bitch. Don't fucking talk during my shit. I've been doing this for four fucking years now, bitch. Don't fuck with me! This bell buckle is solid fucking gold, bitch. Do you know how heavy this thing is? The previous four members of Dead Mouth Five found out

What did you What did you say during William's performance? What were you talking with your friends here about? A prolific reader, huh? Wow. Wow. I don't think cock suckers The right name for her mouth, William.

She seems like a birthday's only kind of lady. Prolific reader. This is your man right here? This one's yours? Wow. Okay. Okay. Stop talking.

This fucking ladies, crazy. These women out here are wild. You double vaccinated? All right. Triple. William, I love your style. Everything's great. Anything else you want to talk about before we let you go?

There is something going out. There's a store called World Market. They're doing this thing. where they hide gift certificates throughout the store. I literally found two of the gift certificates on Saturday. It took me a couple of hours. I found them under some bowls. So if anybody lives in Austin, go to World Market,

they're literally hiding all these gift carts throughout the store. Look under the fucking bowls. Look at, just trust me, it's worth it. How much did you love finding those gift certificates at World Market? Well, I was really loving it. I mean, I got $10 off my fucking purchase. I got some chocolate-covered macadamia nuts. They have wonderful chocolate-cover macadamia nuts there.

All right. Well, William. William Montgomery's on Cameo. Check them out on Cameo. Get your own personalized message from the great William Montgomery. Have it a hand for my guests tonight. Dead Mouse. George Perez.

What's up, my boy? He's all over. He's on tour. George Perez, what's your website? Where can people get tickets to your stuff? George P.comedy.com. George P.comedy.com. Yes.

Deadmouse, you're probably sold out for everything for the rest of your life. So we're just happy that you joined us. How about one more hand for my guests tonight? Dead Mouse, five. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, the screwball peanut butter whiskey kill Tony band Michael Gonzalez

on the drums John D's on the keys the great D madness on the bass Matt Mueling on guitar and Paul Deemer on the horns Here's a The drawing from Ryan J E Belt is in It's unbelievable check it out Ryan J.E Belt.com

and we have a new drawing from the local artist Chris Rogers here that he's going to show you right now That's for sale right now after the show to the highest bidder. So if you want a Hans Kim art piece, you got it. Did you guys have fun here tonight, huh? All right, we'll see you guys next week. Thank you so much.

Love you!