KILL TONY - #612 - DOUG STANHOPE

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to Killtony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, that has every past episode of Killtony. You could also click on Torred8s and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas, called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. And go to that website at sunsetstripatx.com. Come check out the show and say hi.

Starting point is 00:00:25 Tony Hinchcliff has his own website, TonyHinchcliff.com. He's always on the road. He's going on tour. Check out everything golden pony at TonyHinchcliff.com. Also, killmerch.com. That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers. Go to Killmerch.com.

Starting point is 00:00:49 And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey all, it's official. We are live streaming the 10 year anniversary episode of the show. For those of you that have been missing episodes going absolutely live or anything can happen, super dangerous stuff. Maybe someone messes up. Maybe someone says a naughty word. You want to try to cancel somebody. You want

Starting point is 00:01:10 to have fun. You want to feel dangerous. We'll get the live stream of Killtony. June 10, 2023. Get it now at moment dot CO slash Killtony. That's moment dot CO slash Killtony. We're working with Moment House a high powered streaming service to provide this opportunity for you all around the world to be able to see the show. If you weren't able to get tickets, go to Moment.co slash Killtony and watch it live 10 years in the making. Let's go! Hey, this is Rayman, coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony! That's a cry!

Starting point is 00:02:32 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah, me, make some noise for Red Band everybody. We've been doing this show together for nine years and two weeks. Nine years, I like that. Nine years, I like that. Two weeks actually. This is the number one live podcast in the world. Kilt Tony brought to you by the Red Rose and the Yellow Rose,

Starting point is 00:02:59 Gel Blaster, Austin Security Guard Service, and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, which presents, guys, you heard them. How about a hand for the fucking band? This is the live music capital of the world, and these are some of the best musicians in the Goddamn City. Taking a phone call real quick, that's Paul Deamer on the horns, everybody. These guys got a raise two weeks ago, and it's his first time taking a phone call on the show, Very exciting. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Starting point is 00:03:27 Over here on the electric guitar, Matt Muleing, everybody. On the keys, the leader of the band, one of the great musicians of the world, Fresh Off Tour with Gary Clark Jr. the one and the only John D's on the keys. And another one of the best in the world on the base every week, our hero, the one, the only D Motherfuckin Madness. Yes, yes, yes, here we go.

Starting point is 00:03:58 A lot of fun stuff going on. Killmerch.com is booming and open. My tour is thriving. TonyHenchcliffe.com massive 24 city theater tour all around North America and a lot of fun stuff happening. But here's more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey all it's official. It's announced. It's out there. My largest stand up tour of my entire life. Oh, the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia,

Starting point is 00:04:35 Columbus, Ohio, Kansas City, Missouri, Indianapolis, Indiana, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Tyson's, Virginia, just outside of DC. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, youngstown Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Francisco, California, Sacramento, California, San Diego, California, Phoenix, Arizona, New York, New York, Clear, Water, Florida, and Jacksonville, Florida.

Starting point is 00:04:58 Tickets available at TonyHinchcliff.com. Come see the crazy Texas fucking standup that I've been working on. You're not going to believe it. Let's have some fun Hey, y'all if you're hiring for a growing business Do you really want to wait a long time? Take sometimes 11 weeks almost two and a half months on average to hire for an open position Well, if you're listening today. I've got some advice for you Stop waiting and start using

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Starting point is 00:08:46 ladies and gentlemen the return of one of our favorite comedians in the world one of the best of all time Doug stand hope everybody oh my god these people God. Oh my God. These people get it. Hell yeah. The man, the legend. Doug Motherfucking Stantho. Woo. We are gonna have some fun here tonight, Doug Stantho. Did you throw Red Band in at the last second because I complained?

Starting point is 00:09:20 You said that there was only gonna be you and me and I go, well, I don't like that because it's usually like a bunch of fucking guys And I can just lay back and red bands always here Last time you were on the show you kissed me on the lips and that was the first time I ever kissed a man It's not gonna I'm gonna close on that tonight The point is I thought I was gonna be alone with Tony Hinch clip And I was afraid and I wanted to shaperone and I'm glad you're here And I kiss you again. I'll let you kiss me this time red band you can be the top red. I welcome

Starting point is 00:09:54 Doug stand-hope of the Doug stand-hope podcast. They also have a patreon. I highly recommend subscribing to that We all do we're huge fans don't for you. wait wait a couple months. Don't sign up right away Marketing genius Doug stand-hop is here Doug has been on the show Multiple times you know how it works for those of you that might have been dragged here by your podcast loving boyfriend And I'm no idea where you are over two hundred souls wait in the dark cloudy alleyway behind this club right now. Hoping that I pull one of their names out of this bucket for them to get 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy time.

Starting point is 00:10:34 You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the Angry West Tully would bear. Which is just loud and uninterrupted. They're set and then I ask them a bunch of questions. We find out about their life. All at once, all together, it's all improvised. You guys are ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? What? What?

Starting point is 00:10:53 Well, your first comedian out of the bucket is gonna be Travis Peza Balusky, Pizza Balusky, something like that. We're gonna get it. But before he comes up, we are gonna start the show with one of our regulars, everybody. This young man famously started the show exactly two years ago.

Starting point is 00:11:15 I remember because this is the two-year anniversary of my cancellation, everybody. Thank you. Indeed. Two years. 24 theaters to go. Uh, this young man, we've seen him start from scratch. Build an entire career.

Starting point is 00:11:34 Become addicted to cocaine. Fix his career. Have some troubles. Fixed it again. We don't know what's going to happen. Every week, a brand new minute. From the one and only. sing along if you know the words This is Hans Kim Hello, it's gonna be here. My name is Hans Kim and I'm dating a white woman

Starting point is 00:12:03 Thank you, white man. It's great dating a white woman. I got Asian dudes coming up to me in public. Thank you, me like I'm in the army. Thank you for your service. It's good to see representation in a white pussy. Love white pussy. There's so much space in there.

Starting point is 00:12:22 Love white pussy, there's so much space in there. I've been where a few Asian men have been before. I'm just in that shit, just naming things. White pussy. I'll call this the dragon's den. Love the election season coming up. I can't wait to decide which 80-year-old I'm going to vote for. Doesn't worry anyone else that the only people that they let run for president don't have a future. I wonder what that means. But I will... Okay, thank you!

Starting point is 00:13:05 Alia, saved by the cat. Hans Kim. How you doing, Hans? Good, Tony. Hell yeah. OK. It's good to be here. You all right? Yeah. You used your burner shit on the... Oh, stand up, fuck him.

Starting point is 00:13:16 I'll use the burner, easy. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I thought it was good. I have bad taste. What's been going on this week, Hans? I recently went with my girlfriend to Las Vegas to celebrate her birthday.

Starting point is 00:13:34 Oh, I know what that means. Back to old habits. No. I'm cocaine-free. My nose is still original. I got a beautiful pristine. You know, a virgin means that there was never anything up there, right? Not two or three weeks off. I'm born again. So what'd you do in Vegas? I mostly try to make sure my girlfriend wasn't cheating on me.

Starting point is 00:14:08 Well, didn't you go with your girlfriend? Yeah. So how would she cheat on you if you guys are together? Like a quick blow in the bathroom. Did she do that sometime? No, never. How you met? I'm new to the show.

Starting point is 00:14:23 It's great. I love it. We like that. Is that how you met her? Pretty much. How did you meet her? Tell us. I don't even... I don't think we've ever even covered this story. How did you meet her?

Starting point is 00:14:32 It was after a show I did at the Vulcan where I was headlining and then she came up to me. She was like, oh my god, you're so cool and hot and sexy. And her boyfriend was trying to make sure she wasn't cheating on her. While she blew you in a bathroom. Yes. Did she blow you in a bathroom when you met her? She was just like, come fuck me in my kitchen.

Starting point is 00:14:53 Oh, wow! Upgrade. Oh my goodness. He'd never expect to find me here. So you... That was a very misogynist joke! Yeah, right over the dishwasher, right? And then she fell asleep.

Starting point is 00:15:14 Okay, hold on. Where in the kitchen did you have sex with her? We haven't done it. We only done it in the bed in the couch. But you said that when you first met her, she told you to come fuck her in the kitchen. Yeah, and then I was like, I got to do a podcast real quick. And then she fell asleep.

Starting point is 00:15:31 And then we met three weeks later, and then we had sex. OK. You guys ever show each other emotions? You ever have a serious conversation with her about anything? Or do you just fuck? I just picture you fucking and then coming and then fucking again and then coming Is there anything more to that? Yeah, we're like I won't cheat on you. You won't cheat on me Now Hans you've said this already that you are so worried like on a previous episode that you're so worried about her cheating on you

Starting point is 00:16:01 I mean this does not seem like a healthy relationship at all. It really does, and would you consider yourself a little bit insecure? Yes. Have you been like this with other girls in the past? Or is it just because you're dating a white woman that's way above your league? That is probably a lot of it. Do you think she knows that she's way above your league? I mean, you keep telling her. Here's the thing. Around the fifth or sixth bucket draw, I'm going to go out and talk to her on camera in the alley. And I'm going to explain a lot of things to her,

Starting point is 00:16:45 especially, you know, what a headliner really is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. It'd be an honor if you could have sex with my girlfriend. Oh! It would be an honor for me too if I could. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Am I on the verge of doing the impotent old man jokes?

Starting point is 00:17:05 I'd love to be able to serve as him myself, but my junk doesn't work. Hello! Thank you for having me. Ah, ha, ha, ha. Oh my god. Anything else crazy going on in life, Hans? I try to take my goggle to a pool party in Vegas.

Starting point is 00:17:24 Your goggle? Yeah, my swimming goggles. I try to take my goggle to a pool party in Vegas. Your goggle? Yeah, my swimming goggles. You set it in the singular form in the beginning. Like you had a single goggle that you're swimming with on your water. It's like a swim monocle. Yeah. And they're like, we can't.

Starting point is 00:17:39 You and a goggle. You and a goggle. I was like, I have sensitized the medical condition and they let me bring it in. It's a race. So you took goggles to Vegas with him? Yeah. Party machine, dude. I don't even know that was a thing.

Starting point is 00:18:06 So you wore your goggles, you're just swimming underwater. Well, other people are in Vegas just swimming around you. Yeah, it's, you get to see things. You're a real party machine, huh? I love it. Anything else? I'm doing great. I'm doing great. I'm doing great. Thank you guys so much. Okay, there

Starting point is 00:18:31 he goes. Hans Kim everybody. Thank you. I really love Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Hans I love you. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans. Hans Kim. Hans Kim. Hans Sean Tai is gonna be after your next comedian, which is Travis Pizza Biesky. Pizza Price Zabesky. Travis Prasasky, here he is, everybody. Make some noise for the Killtony debut of Travis Prasbiesky. Alright, so I'm gonna get right into this. Anybody in your girl fat?

Starting point is 00:19:01 Yeah, yeah, I was fatter. Talking like 5, 4, I was fatter. Talking like 5, 4, 2, 20, no neck. Just chin connected to titties. It's all the friend wants that I had tits growing up. He's like, oh, you had kid tits. I'm like, no dog, I had woman breasts. Yeah, I lost a lot of weight when I was 17,

Starting point is 00:19:20 but I still had these titties. So I got them surgically removed. But I just left these two big-ass scars on my chest, you know? So it's like a weird situation. I wanna like own my body. I wanna like be able to post a shirt. Let's pick to the gram. But I also don't wanna look like I'm appropriating trans culture.

Starting point is 00:19:36 You know? Sticky situation being cisgendered but transpassing. You know? I gotta say the worst part about it too. It was a bad surgery. So I still got all this loose skin on my chest. So I'm like jealous. Elliot Page looks like a man. I just look like a melting snowman. And like, you know, I'm like jealous, you know? Elliot Page looks like a man. I just look like a melting snowman.

Starting point is 00:20:05 And like, I'm like Saltique's love gender affirming surgeries like covered by insurance now, but like my shit wasn't. But I think they both should be, you know? You know, I just finished it. Finish, finish, finish it. You know, because I think they both should be. I consider my gender affirming because it's like, I get it, you want to start being called Justin.

Starting point is 00:20:22 I just wanted to stop being called jugs. Thank you guys so much, okay? Travis. gender affirming because it's like I get it you want to start being called Justin I just wanted to stop being called jugs Thank you guys so much, okay Travis Besky how do you say that all right? So the American version is Prisbilsky But I've been the I've been trying to get in touch with my roots and the Polish pronunciation is Pshubilsky Shabilsky yeah with a little pee to start off the Pszabilski. Wow. It's obnoxious.

Starting point is 00:20:48 I know. That's fucking... We are dumb. Yeah, it really is. Yeah. Okay, so let's talk about it. You had the fat surgery? I had the fat surgery, yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:57 What did you have that? When I was 17, that my senior year of high, I had two surgeries, actually. God, you were 17. Do you ever think about fucking like walking or something? Well no, no, no, I had lost. Like what kind of lazy fuck is just like, just give me the surgery.

Starting point is 00:21:13 No, no, no, no, I had lost. Skinny pizza until you give me the fucking surgery. I mean, I do love pizza. I lost a lot of weight, but I just had already developed these titties that were just like these big juicy Bahama mamas that didn't want to go away. So I had like, I was skinny, but I still had the titties. Humping were they bigger than her titties right there? I mean, I bet his mother didn't make him push him up to her fucking chin.

Starting point is 00:21:43 All my friends did though, no doubt. I care's the thing, as an... As an, I'm gonna just do the old man. I'm gonna be Jackie Mason all night. But I want a real man. In my day, when someone would tell you that they had breast surgery, they would like to show. Would you like to...

Starting point is 00:22:01 I'm doing fucking... You'll be gone for it. This is my living nightmare. Would you like to show your tits? Here we go. I'll be I'll be for that. I'm here. Let's burn Christ your fucking. Yes. Oh shit. Take Natharo. Did it. You can do it. Be brave. Let's be a brave. Here come the

Starting point is 00:22:21 tits. Here come the tits. Here come the tits. Whoa. Wow. Here come the tit, here come the tit, here come the tit, whoa! Wow! Oh my goodness! And in my day, we would all so motorboat! If that's, I don't want to get in trouble! Oh yes! Those look like... Oh my goodness! I don't want to get in trouble. Oh, yes. Those look like...

Starting point is 00:22:46 Oh, my God. You have come to me. You have come to me. According to my lawyer, you have to come to me. Mike Stamberrier. We'll link up. No doubt. Yeah, you're about to get heat, too, right now.

Starting point is 00:23:00 I'm a bad guy. Yeah, baby. Those are so popular. Fucking gorgeous. Yeah, that person's all right. That one's a bad baby. Yeah, baby. Hahaha. Those are so fucking gorgeous. Yeah, that's all right. That one's a little bit better than the one. I have feeling in this, Nipple, not in this one. No doubt. I would have guessed the opposite.

Starting point is 00:23:16 That one looks like it has the feeling. It's not there. You would have wasted all your candle wax on the wrong, Nipple. Hahaha. And there's no one go. No, go back. You're just a spepperoni, dude. You got good aerolas for a man. I've never seen them that.

Starting point is 00:23:35 They saw it. And they did, didn't they? They caught them up. I told you, dude. Hold on. For the record, Matt Muley never talks. And when he does talk, he never speaks into a microphone, but he literally had to tell you that they fucked your tits up.

Starting point is 00:23:53 But he seems happy with him. So imagine I'll front up. They must have been before. Can I tell you? Yeah. The first surgery was to take the fat out. And so they fucking went around my pepperonis and fucking took the fat out.

Starting point is 00:24:03 Right. The second surgery was to remove the skin But like we didn't have that much money and I felt bad about it So I did local anesthesia for that where are you from? Where are you from local anesthesia? It was a mistake out from New Jersey Westfield New. Ah, the old New Jersey local anesthetic. Nowhere better to get your... Oh, how rude!

Starting point is 00:24:30 Home-brood! A fucking discount surgery. You go to a fucking dentist for that? What did you... Worth a don is, but close, yeah. Like, God. You could be on like every show on A and E kind of. Bunch.

Starting point is 00:24:42 The fat people thing. Bunch. Ice road truckers, I kind of like. Bought a fat, the fat people thing, botched. Ice-road truckers, I kind of see. All right. You have like the whole time, time A&E lineup right now. I see a little fucking honey boo-boo in your eyes. It's barf-crisher. Oh yeah, there he goes.

Starting point is 00:24:59 He's the sleep apnea machine, everybody. Wow, incredible. Do you hook up with a lot of women? Do they see those? And they go, should I suck on those? I mean, I did all right. I got a girlfriend now. I've been with her six years.

Starting point is 00:25:17 And she's, she should get down dirty with him sometimes, you know? OK. It's more for her than me, but you know. Right. Hell yeah. Okay, what do you do for work? So I work in a restaurant and I also do some acting work.

Starting point is 00:25:30 What type of restaurant do you work at? What do you do at a restaurant? I serve in bartend, it's an Israeli restaurant. It's called Laser Wolf in Brooklyn. Oh, cool. Hell yeah. Yeah. My goodness, do you ever think about bartending shirtless

Starting point is 00:25:44 at Laser Wolf? You know, I might float it. I might float it by and say, you know, I don't know. I don't know how they'll feel about it though. I think it would be a hit. It's full of good ideas. I love it. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Starting point is 00:25:59 A little over two years. A little over two years. All of it. There in New York. Yeah. Was it all about your tits? My first five was about just being fat. I just added the transpassing stuff though,

Starting point is 00:26:12 like in the last couple months, that's pretty fresh. Yeah, very nice. You look like you would drink Bud not so light. Bud heavy, baby. Yeah, there you go. Anything else crazy about your life we should know about before I? Yeah, actually, I just found out recently I might be ethnically Jewish on my dad's side. Oh, no.

Starting point is 00:26:32 Oh. How did you find this out? I'm stupid and I never like ask questions, but I always knew my dad's mom came from Poland and lost like toes to froze frostbite and shit. Yeah. So I actually pride for the first time last week and turns out she came as an orphan

Starting point is 00:26:58 when she was seven in 1939 with a group of other people and just like ended up in an orphanage when she got to New York. And I was like, Dad, do you think that we could potentially just be Jewish and she just converted when she got here? I don't know. But it's pretty wild. I gotta do a 23-and-me, I think. I found out you were Jewish when you said that you went with the local anesthesia here. Those tits look like Auschwitz, bro. Yo. Yo.

Starting point is 00:27:27 Travis Prasjezski, congratulations. You're walking out of here with a big joke book from Bones Eye, Handmade Texas Leather. The Rolling Stones logo. You get dressed by the one of the greats Doug Stanhope. Very rarely does someone get the honor of being redressed by one of the great comedians only on Kiltzoni live in Austin, Texas. That's for you Travis. Have a great day buddy. Great stuff Travis. Shibayeski. I just got to have to quickly mention hold on one second. Two or three times I realized I was

Starting point is 00:28:19 swinging around to talk to the comedian and hitting the the bass neck of your bass player. And he looked at me like, hey, fucking knock it off. And even though he can't see, he can see through my soul. Yeah. And, yeah, sorry about that. I get very nervous when I'm on Killtony. You're killing it. Everybody's having a blast. You guys having fun out there? All right, one down. Many to go. I pulled another name out. Make some noise for Sean Ty.

Starting point is 00:28:52 Everybody, Sean Ty. What? What? Woo! Mother shit, what is good? All right, all right. Cool them off for me, I appreciate that. Hey, I'm Sean Tai.

Starting point is 00:29:11 I asked Siri for consent before I look upon because I'm a Christian. And that's what says to do in the Bible. I was watching Rogan the other day and he always brings up, he almost got a Huawei phone, you know? I feel like every time he says that some Chinese businessman just jumps off a building, like, we almost fucking had him.

Starting point is 00:29:35 You know, there were this clothes. We almost, you know, whatever. They got us anyway, whatever, fucking. So, I think the word relapses kind of fucked up, you know? So I always fear about I go up to my buddy and be like, bro, I relapsed. He'll be like, it's all right, we'll get you some help, you know, we'll get you, we'll clean you up. Be like, no man, it's my mellum, no,

Starting point is 00:30:01 I came back, dude. After, all right. Ah, I'm Sean, dude. After. All right. Ah, I'm Sean Ty. Oh, boy. Are you? I wouldn't have mentioned that again if I were you. I would have made up a different name after that minute. Sean Ty.

Starting point is 00:30:16 Yes. Wow. Wow, well, well. Let's get right into it, Sean. I bet it is. Oh, you're still bombing. Incredible. I thought the set was over,

Starting point is 00:30:25 and you're still trying to make up for it all. Can I ask you, can you tell us exactly how much you drank before this set? Oh, dude. It's the lack of... I'm not judging. I would never have done comedy if I wasn't. My first set on stage, I drank a picture of beer.

Starting point is 00:30:43 My first open mic for five, four minutes. You came out and missed the mic stand. I was stunned. It was. I'm not. How much did you drink today, Sean? It's the nerves, the weed, the drinking, the... What did you drink today, Sean?

Starting point is 00:31:00 The question is simple. I found a speak easy. I don't know what was in that drink. It was really good. Follow my finger. So it's one drink and then over. I did this one like it was. No, I had that.

Starting point is 00:31:13 I had probably four drinks since then, but all I had today was a Chick-fil-A sandwich, a spicy deluxe. OK, shout out to Chick-fil-A. And that's your Jared Fogel. Chick-fil-A, that's your new sponsor. That's right. Incredible.

Starting point is 00:31:33 Okay, Sean, let's talk about it. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About a year. About a year. How many times? From Atlanta. Probably two, three times a month. So I lived about a, I a whole time. From Atlanta, up, probably two, three times a month. So I lived about a, I'm from Atlanta, I just moved here.

Starting point is 00:31:50 So what made you move to Austin, Texas? Chasing dreams. Wow, it seems like you are not catching up to them whatsoever. You'll be old, care it on a stick right in front of you. You're going to be chasing for a long time, my friend. Is anyone ever told you you're funny? Let me ask you this. Let me ask this question.

Starting point is 00:32:13 What do you think referencing your entire life? How old are you, Sean? I am 32. How long do you expect to live? We'll decide what's middle age. Take a couple of big steps that's there. I didn't think I was gonna hit 30, but so we hit 32, so we're gonna go.

Starting point is 00:32:28 Okay, you're 32 years old. In your whole life using it as a reference, what do you think the funniest thing you've ever done or said is ever in your life? You're here chasing your dreams and comedy in the Mecca of Comedy, Austin, Texas. I'm interested to find out what the funniest thing you've ever done in your entire life

Starting point is 00:32:47 And if you get kicked in the balls on a YouTube video that got 10 million views that's not you being funny That's the kicker. Yeah, the kicker gets the credit there fair. That's cool Give us an example of a time that you were funny using Give us an example of a time that you were funny. You appreciated my best friend's wedding couple. Yes, you had to be there. Yes, yes. Yes, yes. Are they divorced?

Starting point is 00:33:16 Not yet, not yet. Well, but well-runners. What did you say during the wedding? First of all, I love that you have created a new side of the cord because I'm going to invite you to, okay, well, you like go of it. I was hoping it was gonna end up around your neck at some point here. What did you say? Someone once told him he could be the next Michael Ian Black just by the way looks as long as he kept his mouth shut. Yeah. Or I get Adam Scott a lot. Okay. Okay. I was gonna say a werewolf with leukemia.

Starting point is 00:33:45 Yes, yes, that's also, I get that a lot. How recently did you move to Austin, Sean? Uh, St. Patrick's Day. Okay, do you only speak in holidays? Yes. What the fuck? The guy from Ireland just came in as pants right then. Holy shit.

Starting point is 00:34:04 Absolutely incredible. So what are you doing for work here in Austin, Texas? Right now I'm waiting tables. I used to don't name where you work. Good grace. Did you wait tables before? No, no. I used to work in the auto industry, actually.

Starting point is 00:34:24 What did you do in the auto industry? Drunk. Drunk. Oh, never, ever set that one. You almost got a laugh there. Whole sale, like I would buy and sell cars for dealerships on the back ends. Sean, are you, let me ask you this.

Starting point is 00:34:45 Are you, are you good at anything? Do you have any special skills or talents at all, ever? I can, I can rollerblade. Oh, what? And I'm not gateway. I grew up in the 90s, so. I'm a beginner. Yeah, okay.

Starting point is 00:35:01 And the ukulele, I can, I can, oh, and, you know, I was in band. I play some instruments. Nothing cool. If you're first instrument, you name is the ukulele I can I can oh and you know I was in band up. Please the instruments nothing cool if you're first instrument You name is the ukulele. I don't think you're really up to par Sean you're leaving here with a small joke But I find you to be one of the most boring people that's ever signed up for the show put the mic back in the mic stand Go go work more Put the put the mic back where you found it, Sean. You're going that way, Sean.

Starting point is 00:35:28 You're going that way. That's where you came from. Holy shit. He was about to literally just like die about the stage for a second there. Well, ladies and gentlemen, you've seen two people, three people tonight, three comedians that are literally not mentally challenged in any way whatsoever, and you saw how they did on this stage. And now you're about to see how somebody who's mentally challenged does.

Starting point is 00:35:59 Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of the golden ticket winners from Toronto, Canada makes some goddamn noise for the one and only Sheridanathan everybody What's up? You never know who had the birth, fetish. You never know who had the birth, fetish. I won't tell gas found out the hard way.

Starting point is 00:36:46 Recently. When he was waking up, I Holtel, and they manager of the Hilton, sucking on his toes. Like a motherfucking Rocky road road I should come. I paid 250 for that shit. He was my coach Jared 15 and save 15 For the set of the hand job and you first day the hilt the hotel

Starting point is 00:37:37 Tell them damn out of fucking naven saying you Yes Wow Jared Nathan Absolutely incredible. I have no idea what you said, but you killed the entire time. I did I think I was laughing more than I understood the words like I got a challenge at Jeopardy and I go I got it the words Yeah, they're probably funny Yeah Yeah, I'll quit well in my head So you have a foot fetish you went state at a hotel and you paid $250 to get your feet sucked on I Recently nice. Oh, oh, oh

Starting point is 00:38:21 The new story. Oh you guys you guys need the same new story. What the fuck in time, Tony? We must be watching the wrong news. Ukraine my foot. Special Olympics forums. Ukraine my foot. Oh my god. OK, what?

Starting point is 00:38:44 So what? A guy in Nashville stated a hotel. Okay, what? So what? A guy in Nashville stated a hotel and then what? And a night manager copied his key card and it's knocking to his room. And night I got caught stuck up his clothes. Oh my God. What a wake up call. Oh, look at that. The boy's such a monster.

Starting point is 00:39:14 He doesn't even do the best punchlines during the set. Saves him for the interview. Did you just come up with that just then? You just know what the wake up call. You're a fucking professional. You're unbelievable. You just come up with that just then? You just know what? Wait, come call! Yeah. You're a fucking professional. You're unbelievable. The goddamn machine.

Starting point is 00:39:29 So, okay. Let's talk about it, Jared. What's going on? What else is happening? She's like, I'm out of fucking villain! Woo! Yeah! I'm gonna do some speed therapy, Tony.

Starting point is 00:39:41 Oh, yeah. You can pop, can't tell, but I can tell tell yeah, what did they teach you how to do exactly? Take a deep fucking Take a deep fucking bobo bobo bobo bobo bobo bobo bobo bobo Tony I've been doing Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Brass to the bone Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh Ruh The M.E.V.1 one. What's your Instagram handle again? Jared Nathan Comedy! Jared Nathan Comedy. Why are you screaming?

Starting point is 00:40:28 He's very excited. I'm trying to be logical. Could I get a sneeze guard like at the salad bar, please? Thank you. Bleh! Bleh! There is a lot of spray coming out today, Jared. I have noticed that.

Starting point is 00:40:43 That's incredible. So you're taking speech therapy, you're focusing on your breath. What else is going on? I'm doing cameos. Okay, I thought you were going to say ketamine for a second there, and glad. Maybe acid?

Starting point is 00:40:55 No, I don't touch the ketamine, man. Very good. I don't like k-holes, fuck that. Right, right. You only like donut holes. Okey dokey. Please on top, yes. That's right. How early like doughnut holes. Okay, no, please. Thomas, please don't talk, yes. That's right.

Starting point is 00:41:08 Like how early do you have to wake up in the morning to start your cameo workload? So, now on as happy, happy, bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo- I just want to say happy bop bop bop bop bop bop Happy Motherfog and Booth Day Come on, you hens! Whoa! Wow! Look at that!

Starting point is 00:41:37 One-take-wonder over here! Absolutely incredible! Jared, anything else exciting happening? How's your love life going? You find a little girl that took a duck out in Vegas to go have a smoke-willer Asian boyfriend? Can we please set that up? Can we just fuck with Hans and just have her fucking? Have him just come walk around the corner and she's bouncing her We could pay her a lot of money to do that Last week whoa oh my goodness what happened

Starting point is 00:42:21 What did he do to you And how much did you pay him for the ad? Oh, man. I like cheese, my he's. Okay. Very good. Okay, so what did you do with this girl? And what did you do with the body? I don't... Pim and tell? Fuck.

Starting point is 00:42:46 I just realized what a scam that is. If you stutter, it gives you an extra few seconds to come up with a punchline. Yeah. Then you didn't have. Right. And you can, can, can, can, can, can kill, kill until. Yeah, I'm retarded. Take a step, that, take three steps.

Starting point is 00:43:03 I don't know why everybody's about to sit on Doug's lap tonight. But don't get away my secret. Okay, he's whispering. All right. I didn't hear a thing. I like a fucking jacket. Who gave it to you, Tony? No! No! No! No!

Starting point is 00:43:26 No! No! No! No! It's a great jacket! I've been officially roasted. Ha ha! You got fucking deep roasted, dude.

Starting point is 00:43:42 That was... Jared, I would love to have you on the secret show at Sunset Strip. Hey! You got that did it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it, it How about one more time for Jared Nate then everybody? Jared! Oh that's how you do it. You guys, you get a fucking tall glass. I should have got a fucking tall glass. We'll get you a tall glass if you're drinking. I'm just going to throw an order in now for a double whiskey splash at Coke and a tall glass and you fucking, I want to talk to you about your smoking, both of you, one point. I'm just gonna throw an order in now for a double whiskey splash at Coke in a tall glass And you fucking I want to talk to you about your smoking both of you at one point, but go ahead. Both the next name

Starting point is 00:44:31 Okay, we're actually gonna take a quick little break and you're gonna hear more from the amazing sponsors that make this all possible right now Hey, y'all the new kill merch store is up and running at a thousand miles an hour. It is our official Killtony online shop, kill merch.com t shirts, hoodies, bones eye made real Texas leather joke books, Killtony hats, Killtony knit winter hats, beer coosies, bandanas, trucker hats, Mc McVader made posters some Ryan J. E belt art coming in soon and Kiltoni stickers come with a lot of the purchases that you make. I personally love the Kiltoni NASCAR shirt the Kiltoni hoodie with the established 2013 along the sleeve super cool stuff.

Starting point is 00:45:21 We tested all of this out ourself and made sure that it's very high quality. There's cool, a cool KT tag on it with a knife and the logo on everything. Anyway, go to Killmurch.com. You know what to do. Support the show. Buy some stuff. Look cool. Tell your friends, you know what's up. All right, ladies and gentlemen, we are back. Make some noise for your next comedian, Arun Beer Mungot. After this, we'll be Jake Tale. Jake Tale, Jay Weezy. Here is Arun Beer Mungot, everybody, make some noise for Arun Beer, everybody. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:45:55 I just want to start off by saying, I do as much coke as I look like I do. I just want to start by saying that. But don't do coke, man. Like when it comes to drugs, I treat it like, you know, I treat it real feminine. Like I always say no, but sometimes no means yes, you know what I mean? Like you got to do some drugs once and all that. But listen, this is my second time on stage ever.

Starting point is 00:46:20 So I'm just going to go ahead and cancel myself before I get started. Why, why don't you look garrison the guy with the pink coat on right now? What the fuck's going on Jesus Christ? No nothing like that. All right, fair enough Talk you know come on Tony you dress like a gay J. B. Mooney out here man. You don't think so no Dude this is my set man. This is what it is baby. Jesus Christ, I'm fucking horrible, man. But yo, listen, dude. I'm gonna be realistic with you guys, man.

Starting point is 00:46:50 This is a dude outside with two broken middle fingers saying that yo, Brad, he put, man, you guys can prove this, man. He said he put his fingers up, fucking Brian Redman's ass and he cracked them himself, man. So you can go find that out yourself right now. BEEP Wow.

Starting point is 00:47:05 It took me less time to get a drink than for you to suck. Yeah. You just got buried by a retarded guy. Yo. Yeah, he body me still. You're horrible in every single way. Everything you thought might even work. Just like even details like mic control.

Starting point is 00:47:25 Like you could go talking like, like, that is it? So no one even heard what you said unless you were stuck close to you. Have you ever thought about developing a stutter? LAUGHTER Maybe we're a Jacksonville Jaguar's Jersey, so people would feel bad for you.

Starting point is 00:47:42 Ha-ha. A Roon beer, a man got. You are the poorest man's DJ Khaled. George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George George What's the thing on your nose? Oh, I can't breathe. Is that from all the cocaine you did? Oh, these can fucking bring George Floyd into this death! That set was actually sadder than the George Floyd video. I don't know. It's incredible. My career is gonna end fucking faster than that joke. That's crazy, man.

Starting point is 00:48:20 I can't believe I'm getting counsel before that. You're not getting, you're nothing. You have to... You are not getting, you're nothing. You have to, you are less than nothing. Fair enough. You literally have the worst set tonight. You have a bad. A general work can get burned off, but never canceled.

Starting point is 00:48:35 Right. And a general work can also get burned off using local anesthesia in New Jersey. Did I ask you always plug in the sponsors? What ethnicity are you? A real beer? I'm Indian. Okay.

Starting point is 00:48:50 Like the red duck kind, not the woo-woo. Right, right, the unfunny kind. Fair enough. What do you do for fun when you're not just doing what do you do after you do the cocaine? You literally have done so much cocaine that your nose doesn't work anymore. No, I don't, man. So what do you do on nights like that? I just fucking jerk off and told my fucking wrist falls asleep.

Starting point is 00:49:11 How are you able to afford cocaine? I can't say that. Yes, you can. Text support? We gotta, we high off our own sublime out there. What? You deal the cocaine sure okay, that's a yes You might as well just said yes

Starting point is 00:49:33 Because if you didn't you would have said no What questions can we ask you that you won't lie about none? None. This is how all the fucking cowards are The people that prepare not at all and come on a waste everybody's time. You're done. Arunvir mangat everybody. We're going to keep it moving.

Starting point is 00:49:52 There's many other people that want to get up here. After this, it's going to be Daniel Dwan. But first, it's Jake Tale, everybody. Jay Weezy. Here he is. Jake Tale. Come on, make some noise, everybody. It's okay. It's a new person, everyone. We have another chance.

Starting point is 00:50:07 So, young French lady with crabs goes to the doctor. Some old American guy, the doctor asks, Madame, what seems to be the problem? The young French lady says, Monsieur Dr. Bugsins a Bush. The old American guy kind of confused asked the young French lady, says, part of me, Madame, did you say Bugs in the Bush? Young French lady says,

Starting point is 00:50:41 we miss your Dr. Bugs is everywhere. So the old doctor kind of puzzle takes out his prescription pad, writes down directions to the local hardware store for pesticide, gives it to the young French lady and sends her own away. About a week or two goes by, the young French lady comes back and the old doctor asks, Madame, did that solve your problems? Young French lady says, we miss your doctor.

Starting point is 00:51:07 The bugs are gone. The bush is gone. And my boyfriend's mustache went, poof. Are we getting pranked? I loved it in my day in comedy. In the Bors belt, this is what we did. We told true stories. What is going on right now? This is a fucking Twilight Zone episode right now.

Starting point is 00:51:33 This is an amazing young upstart! I'm trying to get somewhere on my own like Jackie Mason but I'm just either doing Jackie Mason or fucking I like it. I stole that from Carlos So don't get too excited. You didn't even he would not steal that joke I mean, that was absolute garbage what would make if you have here this is your first time doing stand-up first time No, no, it's not right. It's you're not ever time doing stand-up. That was not that was telling a fucking street joke Right that is not doing it. You've never done it.

Starting point is 00:52:06 Exactly. You can never put this on a resume. Right. And they have facial recognition and fingerprints. If you ever put this on a resume, no, they'll find you and kill you. Right. Where did you hear that joke?

Starting point is 00:52:19 What made you do that? Are you a fan of the show? And it's the worst fucking street joke. Are you a fan of the show? Or do you hate us? I can't tell. Like it's something that like an enemy would do. Oh, dear.

Starting point is 00:52:29 I'm gonna go and ju-juju-ba-ba-ba-ba. The t-shirt. Look, he's wearing a fucking tuxedo t-shirt. And a... And like... Like... It's unbelievable. Are you a fan?

Starting point is 00:52:43 I'm a fan, yeah, I'm sorry, I'm fine. I'm so bad, Jesus. What did you think was going to happen? How many episodes of this show have you watched? A couple. A couple. Okay, and any of those couple, you never saw anybody come up into a joke like that, right?

Starting point is 00:52:58 They talk about their lives or something about them or something, right? I thought it was a solid minute, but I guess not. Okay, all right. Try again some other time. We're going to keep it moving. Get out of here. Jake Tale. We're flying through tonight, baby.

Starting point is 00:53:11 Make some noise to your next comedian, Daniel Duan, everyone. We're flying through him. We could set a record here tonight. We're on pace. Daniel Duan, everybody. One more time for Daniel, everyone. Everybody gets everybody gets a fair shot. Uh-oh. What should I talk about, Tony?

Starting point is 00:53:45 What's your dictionary defines chink? As a narrow slit Narrow slit or crack from which light may penetrate. So there's a chink in your armor where you have chinky eyes. You want to tag that? No? Is it your anniversary? Go ahead. Oh, my God, there's still seconds left. You're just done. What did you do? What do you think you signed up for?

Starting point is 00:54:31 I don't know. What do you mean you don't know? Who told you to do that? You sign up for every lottery. Yeah. What are you doing here, Daniel Dwan? What are you doing here? It's a simple question.

Starting point is 00:54:43 What are you doing here? Would you like to sit on this? I'll sit in the middle. No, no, no. Because he seems like a stabby, stand on the red X over there. Listen to the question that I'm asking you. You can reach, she's tall. How did you get here?

Starting point is 00:54:56 What are you doing here? Some people prepare to do a minute. Some people are comedians. They've been doing it. They want exposure. Some people work hard for a couple of years preparing for something like this. To do a minute some people are Rick comedians. They've been doing it. They want exposure some people Work hard for a couple years preparing for something like this. What are you doing here? Honestly, I just wanted to see if you would tag the joke

Starting point is 00:55:13 But it's not even a joke you didn't write a joke Somehow three people in a row having a fucking joke. I say sometimes in my Act chink in my armor and then Iell so, yeah, I know what it means. Yeah, I have a joke. Sorry, sorry, sir. Have you ever done stand up before? This is my second time.

Starting point is 00:55:34 What the fuck, you talk about your first fight? You just write, like, hold on, hold on, Doug. I was going to get canceled. I was going to say, do you write, like, really awful fortune cookies for the rest of the people? And see... Ow! What did you talk about your first time you did stand-up comedy, Daniel?

Starting point is 00:55:54 Hellem Keller and Bill Cosby. What were those jokes? Do those jokes, Daniel? No, put them together! No, I did. What was that joke, Daniel? When did you do it? I think Bill Cosby could have slept

Starting point is 00:56:08 with 60 or 70% of those women if you could just ask nicely. Oh, that was a welcome. But then you have to. Ah-ha, we all think it's really funny. You're just gonna, we all think it's funny. Just don't kill us in our families. What was the hell in Keller joke, Daniel? What was the hell in Keller joke?

Starting point is 00:56:30 Like, if Bill Cosby... If Bill Cosby found a woman today, he's so famous, the only person you could really rape would be Helen Keller. Oki-doki. Uh, Daniel, what do you do for a living? I'm an EMT. We Helen Keller. Oh, key, dokey. Daniel, what do you do for a living? I'm an EMT. You're an EMT?

Starting point is 00:56:48 There's a chance that if something ever happens to one of us, you're the fucking guy in charge of saving our lives. Yeah, yeah. And then what, you just show up and you go, what should I do, Tony? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:01 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Are you gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna, you're gonna give yourself some chest compressions perhaps, don't you? Daniel, get the fuck out of here. No little joke books. Notice that I just don't give these out to anybody.

Starting point is 00:57:21 You have to suck at stand-up comedy to get one of these. These people aren't even doing stand up. Ladies and gentlemen, we're going to take a trip back. I told you you should cheat at this. We're going, what do you mean? I've asked you a hundred times. Do you cheat at who you let get? Well now I know you should. I know. I've been saying forever. Believe it or not, I've heard there's a lot of conspiracy theories on the internet that the whole thing is like fucking pre-determined It's unbelievably stupid because there would not be moments like this Camp Patterson's gonna be next after we get to one of our regulars everybody This young man is a goddamn legend. He's gonna do a minute of stand-up comedy right now I know it for a back because he's one of the best

Starting point is 00:58:07 Brilliant writer brilliant comedian brilliant roaster kill Tony's own David Lucas everybody Yeah I think 23 and me is a waste of money for black people. It is. Like, I did one of them shits and I got the results back and open the envelope and all it said was I was like what the fuck I couldn't save $40 I prefer regular women over pretty girls Cuz pretty girls take like an hour and a half to get ready before they go anywhere. It's like, why you take so fucking long, bitch?

Starting point is 00:59:12 You know who can be ready instantly, ugly, baddie. That's... That bitch put on a baseball cap and got in the car, you know? In an hour and a half, it took you to get ready. I got my dick sucked and a spicy chicken sandwich from Chick-fil-A. Boom, that's how it's done. A return to form here on Teltel. Second reference for the spicy chicken sandwich at Chick-fil-A.

Starting point is 00:59:39 Tonight. That is the second reference. That is incredible. We have got to get them. We ought to get them. We ought to get them. Product placement. Perfectly, it didn't seem like you.

Starting point is 00:59:50 Oh, we have to pause for word from no. Hey, both of y'all niggas dressed like y'all about to go by a unicorn. I mean. And you look like you're dressed like you're about to buy a candy corn. So. Hey, are you selling Lucy's? And you look like you're dressed like you're about to buy a candy corn, so... Hey, are you selling Lucy's?

Starting point is 01:00:08 Because some of my choky out. It's a big fat black-eyed joke. Hey, bro, you can talk about the color people. You look like you inherited Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. I mean, you look like the chocolate factory. Yeah. Hey, are you selling a unicorn by any chance? Tony, you got the dance skin of a gay nigga on your shoulders.

Starting point is 01:00:38 What did you do? Some Mexican gay nigga, you cut his booty cheeks up him. Oh, my God. Yo Jack, you got herpes. Nigga, that shit got out. Break. It's ostrich. I gotta get a techneshite after I shake your hand.

Starting point is 01:00:51 I like the military look you're going with. Are you a member of the U.S. gravy? I like to stay out of battles that require spontaneous witnesses of not my bag. Yeah, we do this every day. I let them see your outfit, bro. Let's see your outfit. No, I ain't saying that.

Starting point is 01:01:14 You look like a Kansas City Easter Bunny. Look at your outfit. This is my outfit. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Whoa, yeah. Wow. Hey, hey, hey. Crit walk. Crit walk. Oh, shit. yeah, yeah. Whoa, yeah. Oh, hey, hey, hey. Crit walk, Crit walk.

Starting point is 01:01:27 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. This motherfucker got random gunballs in his pocket. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Here you go, little girl. Random gunballs. Look at that motherfucker, shit.

Starting point is 01:01:45 Why do you look like you conduct the orchestra of Kazoo's? It's just a whole bunch of... Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz I guess. Absolutely. So the dog stand hoping this, but what? Incredible stuff. The 23 in me was amazing. Did you get a cholesterol result off that by any chance? Oh. Tony, I love to see how much estrogen you got in your body, nigga. I mean, you're the one with the tits, bro.

Starting point is 01:02:18 I don't know. You got so much estrogen, you can get pregnant, nigga. Yo, I have. You're the one that looks pregnant, David. Ha, ha, pregnant, nigga. Yo, as... You're the one that looks pregnant, David. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.

Starting point is 01:02:32 Fuck that, nigga, man. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I love it. I love it. What the fuck happened with these last few comics, dog? I don't know what Jesus Christ... I think you're getting pumped, nigga.

Starting point is 01:02:44 I think... I getting pumped, nigga. I think. I think so too. It really, really crossed my mind. I ain't gonna say who was. Nobody just paying red on nigga to come inside. Yeah, some rival podcast, fucking, I don't know. Remember that one episode was the whole episode

Starting point is 01:02:57 that was like that? It's kind of like the same show. It's happened before we're having fun though. It's a good one. It's a good one. The quality of the comedians doesn't really matter. It shows you how real the show is and how magical everything that we do is. Well, the fucking quality should matter.

Starting point is 01:03:10 What the fuck are you talking about? Well, it's only six seconds there. They pay money. No, they didn't pay money. They don't share out in the fucking eastern net or wherever. They didn't. They didn't pay money. Let's check the quality of that jacket.

Starting point is 01:03:21 Look at yours. It is. This is got to be a breast cancer quilt. Bit iller. This fucking jacket. Look at yours. This is got a little bit of a breast cancer quilt. But yours is fucking true. The jacket is a blacker. Show that to Tony, bro. That is the funniest shit. That's just a blacker.

Starting point is 01:03:34 Oh my god. It does say blacker. Holy shit. Where you get that at, though? Fucking thrift stores. That's the price is crazy. That's the Pimp wearing. Look at you. Yes, I'm pimping myself out here to youth of people.

Starting point is 01:03:51 Please follow me on my space. Pimpin. And Pimpin ain't easy. And neither is walking up the stairs for David. What else is going on, David? Tony, really? What? is going on, David? Tony, really? What? You're sweaty, right?

Starting point is 01:04:08 I am, bro. I ran out of stairs. I heard them bad comics. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Wow. Now it's Jackets even blocked her.

Starting point is 01:04:17 It's Jackets. Hey, Jackets. Some of my best friends are black people now. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! You got a real black jacket now. Yeah. David, where else is going on? Oh shit, man.

Starting point is 01:04:37 You already know, bro. Just out here killing these shows, though. I'm in Philly soon. I'm in Baltimore, though. Yeah, I make sure I get them tickets on my website. They look as common.com, but that's all we can do, bro. I was trying to get great every day. 100%, you know. That's it.

Starting point is 01:04:53 Blowing up. Get bigger. Okay. Okay. I see what you're trying. Really? You see what it's like to try to do? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I can't see where you You, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:05:25 I'm waiting for the punch. No, I'm giving you, I rose, but I'm giving you your props. Oh, thank you. It's a pleasure to be here. I fucking, I get on this thing and I want to be mean to people. You should. But no, then he does it. And then I go, no, I want to be the icon of class

Starting point is 01:05:41 to be nice to people. But then so many of them suck so bad. They're like, oh, it's a C. But, but Doug, you like on some real shit, bro? Like the, the meaner you are to people, the better their future will be. Because so many comics walk around with a false sense of being amazing that sometimes they gotta come and get humbled by you guys. And that's the only way they can grow as a comedian because if these things have been going to open mics, they can do one good. I'm talking, when it's a level of, okay, that's not, uh, I want to be funny one day.

Starting point is 01:06:16 That's a mental illness. You know, okay, if I say you're not funny, four kids are gonna die in a preschool. As long as they're joking, I don't worry about this shit, man. I'm not funny, four kids are gonna die in a preschool. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha My kid's gonna private school. That's why my kid's gonna board it, but mine are doing better now. In heaven. Your kid's just suffering on earth. You really dress like a black guy. I had a gay up in the name Poo Shion who used to dress like that.

Starting point is 01:07:00 Poo Shion. Poo Shion, he was gay and said, oh, he can fight. The only difference between me and him, I can't fight. Oh, no. But I'll be gay and selling blackish shit. You dress like a gay black guy on Easter. I used to really, well, he dead now, but I had an uncle named Poo shine. He was gay and said, oh, bro, One of the biggest sissy's in making Georgia.

Starting point is 01:07:26 Really? And he was, bro, all his outfits was like this. I fucking love him. He's still alive, what's his son's name? He's dead. Oh, God. No, he died of AIDS and he died skinny. Even has how I fit into his clothes.

Starting point is 01:07:38 Tony, even his real name was gay. Yeah. His real name was Virgil. Oh, shit. That's a gay name, kind of like Tony. Yeah, yeah, everyone knows Tony's gay name. Absolutely. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:50 All your friends in the hood who have fucking Tony Montana, fucking Scarface posters have to pull them down because you said Tony's a gay name. Tony's a gay name. Tony Tiger, Tony Sopranon, Tony Danza. Who's the boss of the gay and gay? Tony Danza who's the boss? Yeah, Tony oh Those Tony you just ruined your career you get canceled Wouldn't that be a great way to get canceled like fucking just wait no you said Tony's a gay name

Starting point is 01:08:16 Yeah, and now we don't know what like every fucking ticket he's sold on his tour like no Doug you know a Tony you got to see my set. It's hard to cancel me. I say the F word. No, I'm saying it would be hilarious if everyone who knew someone named Tony just canceled you. That would be a great cancel culture. Like, oh, he made the joke about I don't like pop tarts.

Starting point is 01:08:42 I like pop tarts. And no one went to that guy's show ever in. All right, I'm getting fucking edible is kicking hard. Like, David, you're a monster. We love you, you're killing it. David Lucas, everybody. Well, you can do it. You guys. Just a reminder that if you guys want to add some excitement to watching sports,

Starting point is 01:09:10 then you should download our favorite app, PrizePix. Well, my favorite app too. Yeah, on PrizePix, you can choose any player from any sport, and I guarantee they have what you're looking for. Big two or more of your favorite players select more or less on their projected stat. Then lock in the entry for your chance to win 25 times your money. It's that simple prize picks is available in over 30 states like Texas, California, Florida and more So what are you waiting prize picks is the shit?

Starting point is 01:09:34 Yes, you can download the prize picks app right now and use code Tony for a hundred percent deposit match Put in a hundred dollars and prize picks will give you you $100 put in 20 and they'll give you 20 And true if you look at the screen right now, you're gonna see that I want yeah, I'll put in 20 They give me 20. I love it price pick. It's a no-brainer Use the code Tony on the prize picks app as you see I've actually won all three of the Of the wagers that I put on of all the I did a parlay I did a really a price back to a quenella yeah we did it all price it's just a way to make a fucking living price fix coat Tony ladies and gentlemen I put pre-pulled

Starting point is 01:10:17 the name it's cam Patterson fix sedenio is next the fix sedenio makes a noise for cam Patterson. Guys, you have to make noise. It's Cam Patterson's first time on the show. So I got my van first department because it stand up comedy, and that's great, you know, it's not a love it. But I got a roaches real bad.

Starting point is 01:10:43 I got roaches so bad I got a home, but he had roaches, but I asked him how do you get rid of me, so I just trained them. And I was like, nigga, that's not possible. Be two K trained roaches, but I said trained my roaches, because at my house I had three roaches. They'd be on their side of the room, I'd be on my side of the room,

Starting point is 01:10:59 without a good night, wouldn't bother each other. But I bought a girl over one time, and there was 72 roaches in my room doing TikToks and shit. They're making piecats, they were moving, walking, they were crazy, right? And I won't point me to the girls watching the movie. And I was killing Roaches as I watched the movie. So I watched the movie that I murdered Roaches.

Starting point is 01:11:22 Then I watched the movie that I murdered Roaches. And at one point, she came up to me and said, camp, it was a big ass, it was a big ass lizard roach that walked into the middle of the TV. And I couldn't avoid this bitch. And she was like, camp is OK. I got roaches too. And I was like, eel bitch, that's nasty.

Starting point is 01:11:46 You there to slurp. Yeah, yeah, there you go. Yes, absolutely. What's up, nigga? Listen, nigga, come on, nigga. Come on, nigga. Come on, nigga. Paterson. Oh, wait a minute. The Kill Tony debut of Cam Paterson unbelievable performance set of the night

Starting point is 01:12:05 Absolutely amazing. They're lovely welcome welcome welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy two years? Where are you? Oh little Florida? I love it. Yeah, you live here now. I just move there. Yeah Unbelievable. I love it. How recently did you move here like like I'm with the goal? Okay? You have a job yet? Yeah I'm a golf cart nigga. Oh, a golf cart guy I love black people bitch If you could clarify for an older white gentleman for myself I understood the last word but but the golf cart part, I don't understand how that applies to the part I do.

Starting point is 01:12:51 You know what I said, though? The formal golf cart never. How do I do? Yes, but I beg you to golf and club and we don't know what. I can't say it was what I work at, and they'll fire me. You want to talk about? I will never tell you. when I work at Mill 5, you wanna talk about? I will never tell you.

Starting point is 01:13:03 You don't talk to me. I don't talk to you. I don't talk to you. Well, then you'll never be my caddy. Next question. I don't golf, nigga. I just write down. And I like you, you know, you're good, dude.

Starting point is 01:13:18 I ain't no idea what the fuck I'm doing here. It's dope. I like this shit a lot. Amazing. So when you say you're a golf cart N word. Yes. Thompson. Beep. But I don't say the G.

Starting point is 01:13:31 Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait. I don't know. OK. I'm not going to go. I'm not actually scared of me. He didn't say it. It was a bleep.

Starting point is 01:13:39 OK. Just said, beep. Yeah. Yeah. Come on. So when you say a golf cart and word, what does that mean exactly? Are you doing like dry buys in them or something like that?

Starting point is 01:13:49 Yeah, so like. So like they hire me, right? Yeah, that's dope. I like them. They, that might be my hometown, but they hired me. They hired me, because they don't know golf are real. You from Tomat, so I just drive the golf car, start it and park them and then put all the golf cars on the car.

Starting point is 01:14:09 So they'd be like, thank you all for helping me, give me money. That's how that shit works. You're a star. I've seen this before. Cam Patterson's a star. I've only known it for a brief minutes and 45 seconds. I think you duped me.

Starting point is 01:14:20 You acted like that was a, when he said golf cart N word, I thought that's a thing I should know from the hip hop you listen to. And then you went and said, what does that mean? That's what Joe Rogan thought of 1.2. I said. Mm. -♪ Go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon, go to the moon So Rogen also thought that because rap songs exist, you can say it sometime.

Starting point is 01:14:50 Even I know you can't say that word. I ain't gonna hold you, they loud a fuck in person. Wait, what? This shit's so loud in person. Oh, I thought you were talking about N words or so loud in person. You know, Tony, I was on a show with Cam a couple weeks ago and he destroyed the room. You have such a good stage presence.

Starting point is 01:15:09 Did you ever have any like stage like pass? Like were you in plays or anything like that? Great question. No, I thought I beat them niggas up. That's right. Absolutely. I did it. I beat them up when we was at school.

Starting point is 01:15:23 Now I don't like that word because I did plays. It's all right. You are a star cam. This is absolutely incredible. What else do you do? What else do you good at? What do you like to do for fun? Now this is it.

Starting point is 01:15:36 I like to do. I like to stand up, go home, and we're talking about mama. I love it. I love it. Close with your mom. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. It's amazing. You have a love life. You have a, you with your mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's amazing. You have a love life.

Starting point is 01:15:46 You like, you have a, you have a, you have a, you bring, I got a letter. We, we, uh, we broke up when we finna get married. Okay. Well. Yeah. That's the way you take it. Yup, yup, yup.

Starting point is 01:15:58 Up and down. We don't, we don't go together no more, but that's still my bitch. You know what I'm, I love it. Oh. Hey, my letter. All right, all right. I love it. Up and down we don't go we don't go together no more but that's still my bitch, you know Hey shout out to my bitch bingo up in the Stance you know what makes some Yo, I've been fucking other Talk to that talk to the talk. Yeah, talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you. You might not know shit.

Starting point is 01:16:27 He married you. I'm married. You big old fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you.

Starting point is 01:16:37 Talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you. Talk to the fuck you true to you, bitch. Yeah, I'm not true to you. Talk to him. Fucking love me. Talk to him.

Starting point is 01:16:46 Hell yeah, dog. Hell yeah, dog. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Hell yeah. That was so, Doug, that was so black. I think you can now use the N- Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:59 Yeah. I'll always start with the fucking punch line. Oh my God. Cam, what else about you before I get you out of here? Tell me something else interesting about the life of Cam Patterson. Uh-oh. I wish last, real stage every time I get on stage. And someone I run into the rain, my socks got soaked.

Starting point is 01:17:26 And when I started coming there, a lot of people would tell me that I couldn't wear sloths on stage. But I was a thug first. So I was like, I worry about my slime. I got a gun on my dick right now. Right. You should be worried about the gun I have instead of my sloths. Right.

Starting point is 01:17:40 You want to talk about? Absolutely. Hell yeah, I'm talking about it. I love it. See, you were a thug, but you say a thug or a gangsta? I was a bad one. I was a bad thug. I went a good thug. Right, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Can you show me some gang signs? I cannot. I don't know what. All I know right now is like Edward Sizzarhan. Yeah, yeah. Is that one? I know how to, because a lot of my fan bases mentally ill,

Starting point is 01:18:11 like, scary. Like, you chose to be dangerous. Mine don't. So now I'm learning gang size for my mentally ill people, where I just, and then they think they know when to kill someone. Yeah, yeah. You know, you're watching this. Killtony is not real.

Starting point is 01:18:31 You're just... You and I are watching this. The computer's not real. It's time to do the thing. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Okay, back to pretend land. Cam Patterson, do you ever miss the gang life?

Starting point is 01:18:47 No, not at all. Did you have any close calls, were there ever any like hits on you or anything like that? No, not on me. I was inside all the time, but I was I was dumb. I was just very scared and shitin' myself the whole two years. Right. Yeah, I'm just havin' I'm doin' it. You say two years like it's a like a coast guard, okay, a hitch. I get a, I signed up with the,

Starting point is 01:19:08 of the ninth street Baldwin's first, like two-year hitch. That's definitely a gang. Yeah, yeah. I, I know. I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, I, Who's with me? Cam, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And also, Cam, there is a hit show that happens every Tuesday here in the Little Boy call The Bottom of the Barrel,

Starting point is 01:19:42 in which you get to perform in the actual other room, the little boy, and I have a spot to give out tonight for that. So I'm going to give you that as well. Excellent boy. Yeah, yeah. Hey. Yeah, yeah. And you said you're from where Orlando?

Starting point is 01:19:58 Orlando, Florida. How far is that from Jacksonville? About, my dad's about like, to have out. Did your dad still live in Jacksonville? No, he live in, he live in Orlando, no. Okay. I'm doing a place called the Florida theater in Jacksonville, Florida.

Starting point is 01:20:13 No, we're not. December 16th, would you like to do a gig on that show? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. You got it, all right. And you got it right And you get a big joke, but that's everything

Starting point is 01:20:42 Ham Patterson his first time on the show and you were here for it I'm gonna pull another name out. Arash Tufiani is going to be next after Vixenoyne everybody makes some noise for Vic 60 seconds uninterrupted. Here is Vixenoyne everybody. Vixenoyne. Thank you, thank you, thank you. I used to get picked out a lot because growing up, I had this long-ass Spanish conquista door name, Victor Manuel Sidenio. That's a lot of vowels to hit people with, right, in one shot. And I grew up around a lot of black people.

Starting point is 01:21:17 And when black people can't say your name, they just changed, I shit to something cooler. They started calling me slick, Vic. That shit is fun to hear down the street. But then I moved to a white neighborhood and when white people can't say your name, they just want you to go back to where you came from. There's no. But white people could rhyme too. White people could rhyme too. Then they started with the spic Vic and and that's not that fun that's my time thank you very much 45 seconds from Vick and Sidania under time always wins is it raining outside

Starting point is 01:21:56 no there's no you look soaking wet you always look like that yeah this is the machismo look you got got a, okay. From 1981. Yeah. And then we found out they were all gay. The construction worker, the cop. The whole band was gay. Hey Freddie Mercury was gay.

Starting point is 01:22:16 Machismo, you call. Machismo, machismo. Nacho, chismo. No, no, that's trademarked. Vic, Sid Daniel. How long have you been on standup? Six years. Where at?

Starting point is 01:22:28 Don't you have comedy in New Jersey? Okay, don't you have comedy. Shouts out. Jersey send a bus with your, oh, you send all your fucking immigrants to New York City. And they send a bunch of fucking wannabe comics back. Yeah, we're going to stop sending the immigrants up there. We have to stop this migration policy.

Starting point is 01:22:49 You still live in Jersey full time, right? Yeah. That explains the greasy look. And what do you do for work, Vic? I'm a project manager, a glass company. A glass company? Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 01:23:02 Very good. Show a door, isn't shit. Okay, what do you do for fun? This. What else? There must be something else. Vic. If Vic does actually seem like a guy that is,

Starting point is 01:23:15 looks like a badass tough guy that sits in Christ at home and plays like gamer games that don't involve killing and you go, what's wrong with you, Vic? You're playing golf or something. Yeah. He sees right through me. Which is hard to do. You're a thick boy. Ah.

Starting point is 01:23:34 Are you straight edge? I get the feeling that you have this straight edge vibe to you. No, no, I smoke a lot of weed. OK. What do you do after you smoke weed? Just stare at the fucking TV like this. I don't even turn it on, I just stare at it and wow. I actually was sitting in front of my TV the other day and it was off but I thought I was watching one of the

Starting point is 01:23:58 Medea movies because it was just dark and wide screen. Okie dokie, that's one of the ones you have to kind of picture it for that one. It's a joke I wrote two months ago that didn't work three times and I shouldn't have done it here. Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! I wrote it when I was sitting in my living room staring at the TV not on.

Starting point is 01:24:21 I'm like there's something to this, but it turns out you actually have to have the off TV in front of you For it to be as funny as I thought it was back to you Vic you have a love Are you in love with somebody? No, no, I just got divorced. Okay. How long were you married for 10 years? 10 years and you admit have any kids one one kid I'll just a kid one off eight years old one got past the goalie one yeah one off the right number zero would be the right answer yeah but he might invite you to I'll give them all up but okay so what made you leave the wife what was it like what was going on explain to us? She cheated on me with a few guys

Starting point is 01:25:07 Oh shit how did you how did you find out about this? That's actually a lie. I just say that shit so you guys take my side of the fucking things She's a good girl Tony I gotta go piss. Okay. So you, yeah, I'll take care of it. He's talking to this guy. He's very interesting and he has good answers.

Starting point is 01:25:33 Oh. So what was the reason for the divorce in real life? I started comedy, to be honest, yeah. You started stand-up comedy. Is that what you're saying? You started six years ago. Six years, yeah. So for like three years, I just stayed in the basement,

Starting point is 01:25:49 jerking off by myself. OK. You wanted the answers. That's the truth. OK. OK. Is that how you made the baby jerking off in the basement? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:03 Then I brought it up in a cup. I was like, here. OK. I gotcha. So did you made the baby jerking off in the basement? Yeah, then I brought it up in a cup. I was like here. Okay, I gotcha. So, uh, did you want the divorce? Did she want the divorce? Yes, she wanted the divorce. So she said, what, you're not spending enough time here at home with me and the kid. Yeah, you're gonna make me cry, that's what you're gonna do. Your eyes are as watery as your hair right now.

Starting point is 01:26:20 It is very exciting to watch some emotions come out of it. Jersey fucking project manager, you know what I mean? I think I found your fucking soft spot. It's the old fucking eight-year-old. Is it a boy or a girl? Girl. And the wife has it full time. Oh yeah. Right. Now it is eight years old and a liberal state like that. You don't know what you got yet, home, and that could be a fucking, that could be a boy in three years, fucking Jersey. Alright, well, very, very fun. Do you ever get to see her?

Starting point is 01:26:55 Yeah, every day. I pick her from school every day. Oh, cool. Amazing. Awesome. What does she do the wife? What does she do for work? I don't fucking know. Oh, wow. you don't know? That's part of the reason why I had to leave. Because you literally don't know anything about her. Wow. All right Vic, well congratulations you did 45 seconds. I think it was good right? Yeah okay yeah here's a big joke bug from Bones Eye. Congratulations. There he goes, Vic Sidaneo everybody. Congratulations. There he goes, Vic Sidaneo, everybody. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:27:24 Thank you. So, reminder, these joke books are for sale at killmurch.com. They're flying off the shelves there. It's actually quite incredible. The store is a wild success. All right, your final bucket comedian of the night. Am I correct? This is the final one, yep.

Starting point is 01:27:44 Make some noise for Arash Sufioni 60 seconds uninterrupted for Arash Sufiani. Here he is everybody. Come on, make some noise for Arash everyone. Comedy Mother shit, what's up? So I used to be a really really fucking fat guy like really fat. I was 350 pounds Still was fucking But I lost all that weight got into fitness Was big into wrestling so that was easy, losing the way was easy. But a lot of 100 pounds, guys, so I made it all the way here. What they don't tell you is you wake up the next day after losing 100 pounds, still fucking hating yourself.

Starting point is 01:28:38 You look in that mirror, you're still a lot to improve on. The only difference is you go from fucking petit chicks that are into fat guys. To fucking really fit chicks, still super insecure and still having a lot of trouble. I would like to call from the audience the first guy who showed his breasts, the fat man. Could you please come out and re-show your breasts for the Congress, for the people who are sitting here tolerating this from this obviously bit man who has not had breast reduction surgery. I want to see those breasts again. No, it is possible.

Starting point is 01:29:37 Can we buy them? Bastitus, I would like to- We don't know each me. No one knows it's all about the F.E. yes pizza rescue anyways it is it's probably not point back to the whole show my friend and answer the question honestly honestly we hear for the man who showed his breasts no I was not you You were not here.

Starting point is 01:30:05 You don't care about the whole show. You only care about your part of the show. Am I right that that's wrong? And I will censure myself. Arash, I have to give you credit. Well, that was again, completely unfunny. It was so, at least you had something that you wanted to say, which I found to be hilarious.

Starting point is 01:30:31 Like, at least you were getting it out, you were saying it, it wasn't necessarily funny, but that's how it starts. How long have you been doing standup? This is my first time. Whoa, I like that. You see, I don't mind that. I don't mind someone doing

Starting point is 01:30:45 bad on the show. It's not preparing and not having anything at all to say. If you punch that up a little bit, there's probably some stuff in there. If you do anything at all, anything funny. I was waiting so much. I will not mention anything till my witnesses here show you why you were really not funny. The whole time in the alley. I was like, it's so good in the alley. It sounded so good in my head That was so good in my head What parts were you thinking you're gonna get passed away turns out the first comedian passed away everybody Turns out that turns out the local anesthesia

Starting point is 01:31:21 Pay attention you could be next lady. Yeah Absolutely, so let's talk about it. What what yeah local anesthesia for Jersey. Pay attention, you could be next lady. Yeah. Absolutely. So let's talk about it. What, yeah, what could I ask? Yeah. What did you think were the beats that we're going to crush and get a laugh? It was really kind of like a health confessional.

Starting point is 01:31:41 Yeah, health confessional, people going through the struggle, thinking it's worth a damn to lose weight But it's not you think about throwing like a funny word and like like okay, I think I did a speech for Six years what I want you to do where I came up here, so yeah You did you did what I did not speak for 60 seconds before I came up here So I was completely unprepared. So okay, okay like I Like I did in practice. Here's what we're gonna do. Here's what we're gonna do. I have an idea.

Starting point is 01:32:06 I'm gonna try to punch up your set. Thank you. We're going to do it from the top. Your exact set. Just the beginning of first 20 seconds. Okay, can you make a point? I'm going to whisper something into your ear. And then you're going to-

Starting point is 01:32:20 He's got to call it a flower. And he's got to check what that he does. This might be a American with disabilities act. He does. He has a heart-straw. I'm worried about them getting sued. He has more cauliflower than David Lucas's saddest entire life.

Starting point is 01:32:34 It's incredible. OK. So we're going to try a thing where we add a funny word into your unfunny set. I've never done this before. We've been doing this show every Monday for nine years, 11 months, and two weeks. You told me to prepare for this thing.

Starting point is 01:32:49 Were you wrote this out? You're gonna put a, I'm kidding. Yeah, just kidding. To be honest, I did this on a whim. I came here, I was just dropping something off for somebody, and then I thought, I was just trying to. My boy Grayson, right over there,

Starting point is 01:33:02 was just like, dude, you're hilarious. You need to sign up. And I was like, wow. I turned around in the alley and I was just trying to get my boy Grayson right over there. It was just like, dude, you're hilarious. You need to sign up. And I was like, wow, that guy. I turned around in the alley and I was like, I'm just gonna fucking do it. Cause I knew I didn't wanna do it. I was like, that's why I gotta do it. So, okay.

Starting point is 01:33:15 And that's so not funny. Right, that was also not funny. You are correct. Okay, so let's take it from the top, ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna add one word to a set. I'm gonna pick the time in which that word is set. Just ignore me until I tap you on the shoulder and whisper in your ear and then you say

Starting point is 01:33:29 whatever I whisper into your ear. I'm not getting out of your way or what the fuck. Take the, all right ladies and gentlemen, restarting his set. This is Arash Sufiani, everybody makes some noise for Arash Sufiani, everybody makes some noise for Arash. Woo! So the real benefit to losing a shit ton of weight is that your dick will literally look a half inch bigger, and nobody ever talks about that.

Starting point is 01:34:02 I wish they would because then we would have less fat fucks walking around and more You want me to put your head up? I would quit while you're at that easy. All right, let's do one more. One more, but that's it after this. OK, go ahead. I don't trust him enough to say you enough. Say you up. The trouble with getting so much pussy now

Starting point is 01:34:41 is I have to have to deal with my pubes. And if you know anything about me and how hairy I am, cutting just this section is like clear cutting a forest filled with black people. You know Tony, I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. And I'd love to take you on tour! And you're the new co-host of the Joe Rogan Experience! I'm sorry, I've done it giveaway prizes while you're away. A rash, Sufiani, you popped your cherry here tonight. You're a badass motherfucker. Congratulations, that was a lot of fun. You rolled with the punches. You're a badass motherfucker. Congratulations. That was a lot of fun. You rolled with the punches.

Starting point is 01:35:46 You're a badass. There he goes. A rush. Supeon is first time on stage. A rush. Take one of these. There he goes. One more time for a rush. Well, well, well. Right, when you think it can't get any more exciting. How do you top all of this? There's only one in human that can do it ladies and gentlemen I present to you the man who holds the record for the most appearances ever in Killtony history I just did a weekend with this guy in fucking Florida four sold out crazy shows and he's never been stronger we've been seeing it every week here he He's a fucking expanding freak monster,

Starting point is 01:36:28 the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery. I wonder which came first, long John Silver's or Captain D's. That's like wondering which atomic bomb got dropped on Japan first. We ain't ever gonna find out. When your girlfriend refers to the bedroom as Ricky Williams armpit, you know you got problems. Okay, and I actually went to a place called the Imperial Palace. I got a fortune cookie, so let me just see what this says.

Starting point is 01:37:43 Nice catch, bitch. Okay. This is weird. Knock, knock. Beetle juice. It's how Red Band refers to the Hebrews who crawled across the desert for 40 years. Okay, that's all I got. Oh yeah, no, but Tony, I actually, yesterday I made a wonderful Mother's Day

Starting point is 01:38:17 lasagna for the first time, and it literally was just such an angelic taste. I had to write a song to kind of just illustrate how I was feeling when I was fucking Eating this lasagna yesterday. So let's Okay, here we go. We've seen this a couple times before always a wild success always a favorite of the crew fans and Staff here at the mothership and all around the world. William. Is the volume all the way up on that? I'm J.P. Morgan on the con show and I say this Wait hold on don't touch the fucking keyboard

Starting point is 01:39:53 Shit he's mad But yeah, that was it's I need to branch out Tony, but I've had this thing since the Between kindergarten and first grade, it's called a learning disability. So I only can play that one song on the keyboard, but I swear to God, I'm gonna try to branch out, I'm gonna try to get better at this thing, but he's opening up to us. Where's song I never heard?

Starting point is 01:40:19 That song is gonna be stuck in my head from the rest of the night, and I have to take a special account now that you are. Okay, I don't want to fucking hear it getting played by other people though, I swear I don't. Some horns in there, Deamer. No, don't. That's what I can do, please, please. I made my mom's lasagna yesterday. Yes, yesterday. La-za-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na- I'm in my mom yesterday It's Mother Herstay yesterday

Starting point is 01:41:09 Everybody sing it I made some really good lasagna Buh-buh-buh fridge, you piece of shit, I can't believe you caught that. Alright, make some fucking noise for the great William Montgomery everybody. We did it. Thank you. What a show. William Montgomery is taking over the fucking world, crushing it absolutely everywhere. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in, of Doug Stan Hope, it's cool as fuck.

Starting point is 01:41:51 That's it. Let's check out the drawing from local artist Chris Rogers. Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Gel Blaster, Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, killmerch.com. Wow! Demand has got his first painting, that's fucking sweet. My tours on sale, TonyNchclip.com, listen to the Doug Stanhope podcast and subscribe to the Patreon.

Starting point is 01:42:20 How loud can this place get for one of the greats, Doug Motherfucking Stan? you on how loud can this place get for one of the great stuck mother fucking stamp that was fun and one more time for the best stamp man in the land Paul Deemer on the horns Michael Gonzalez on the drugs Matt Muleing on guitar John Dees on the keys and D madness on the bass guitar. Guys, we're tickets are sold out at the mothership. Come to the Sunset Strip, sunsetstrip.

Starting point is 01:42:53 ATX.com. We love you. Thank you so much, good night. There is some brand new exclusive Piltoni merch for sale right now on your way out in the lobby. Enjoy it, we love you, thank you. God bless America, good night everybody. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful.

Starting point is 01:43:28 I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful.

Starting point is 01:43:44 I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit more of a little bit. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy.

Starting point is 01:44:20 I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. I'm not going to be a good guy. ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿� Hey, you. Hey y'all, the new Kill merch store is up and running at a thousand miles an hour. It is our official Killtony online shop, Killmurch.com t-shirts, hoodies, bones eye made real Texas leather joke books, Killtony hats, Killtony knit winter hats, beer coosies, bandanas, trucker hats, McVader made posters, some Ryan J. E. belt art coming in soon. And Killtony stickers come with a lot of the purchases that you make. I personally love the Killtony NASCAR shirt, the Kiltoni hoodie with

Starting point is 01:45:45 the established 2013 along the sleeve. Super cool stuff. We tested all of this out ourself and made sure that it's a very high quality. There's cool a cool KT tag on it with a knife and the logo on everything. Anyway, go to Kilmerch.com. You know what to do. Support the show. Buy some stuff. Look cool. Tell your friends. You know what to do. Support the show. Buy some stuff. Look cool. Tell your friends. You know what's up. you

KILL TONY - #612 - DOUG STANHOPE

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