KILL TONY - #613 - ELEANOR KERRIGAN

Episode Date: June 13, 2023

Eleanor Kerrigan, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/23/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—MANSCAPED.COM – USE COUPON CODE “TONY” – GET 20% OFF + FREE SHIPPING – VISIT MANSCAPED.COM—HELLOFRESH.COM – Go to HELLOFRESH.COM/TONY16 and use code “tony16” for 16 free meals plus free shipping!

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to Killtony. Check out our website, DeathSquad.tv, that has every past episode of Killtony. You can also click on Torred8s and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas, called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. And go to that website at SunsetStripATX.com. Come check out the show and say hi.

Tony Hinchcliff has his own website, TonyHinchcliff.com. He's always on the road. He's going on tour. Check out everything golden pony at TonyHinchcliff.com. Also, killmerch.com. That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers. Go to Killmerch.com.

And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the comedy mother ship here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchclair! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Yeah, baby! Mixing voice for Red Band, everybody! Yeah, everybody! We've been doing this show for nine years, 11 months, and two weeks. You're at the number one live podcast in the world right now.

You guys know where you are? Yeah! Brought to you by the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose Austin Security Guard Service in Gel Blaster, and also Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, which presents the best damn band in the land, the Killtony band, everybody. Yeah, that's James Atkins joining us on the drums tonight, one of the best musicians on Planet Earth, filling in for the great Michael Gonzalez.

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Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? You know, one of the things that I love about this show is the people that have done it before, the, some of the most established comedians in comedy store history. This is truly, your guest tonight is who I truly believe is one of the greatest stand-up comedians, not to mention,

without a doubt, one of, by far, the best female stand-up comedians on planet Earth. She helped me get my job at the comedy store. 16 years ago, changing my life forever, and I for talent, like none other, trained directly underneath the late-great Mitzi Shore. Opener for Andrew Dice Clay, headlining the Sony Hall in New York City, June 16th and 17th. Ladies and gentlemen, Philly Zone, Comedy Store Legend, Eleanor Carrigan everybody! There are some hose in this house.

She just made an innocent Saudi Arabian boy come in his pants in the front row. She comes out guns ablaze and always on fire. That's my other job. Haha, one of my favorite humans, one of the greatest human beings I know, one of the funniest people on planet earth, and one of the greatest guests in the history of the show, she's got a filthy duty. Filly in the fucking house. Yeah, there is. Fucking. This is fucking.

Err, dumb. South Philly, ho. Oh shit. Yeah, we'll fight this whole room. There is. There's more holes in this house. I can smell the yeast infection from here. There really is a bunch of South Philly girls.

That's me. Oh, that's you. I'm kidding. I can't get bread anymore. Oh my goodness. Yeah. Dead egg. Straight gluten.

Some fun stuff happening. We're going to have a blast tonight. Eleanor, you've done the show. Many, many, many, many times. And now over 200 souls stand in the back alleyway, hoping that I pull one of their names out and they get 60 seconds on this stage if that happens to impress us with their stand-up comedy.

Maybe it's a local legend looking to make a big break. Maybe it's somebody's first time. Maybe it's somebody that just left their family. We've had a few of these. Some people have been abandoning their families to come to Kultone for a shot. Literally, it's been happening almost every week at some point.

They get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which in our Eppsler set is very, very loud. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which interrupts their set It's very very loud very fun stuff Amazing amazing times ahead are you guys ready to start tonight's show or what? I'm gonna pull who the second comedians name is we're gonna pass that along because we're gonna start with one of our

Regulars everybody if you've been following this story, you must be enthralled. Anything can happen any week. Sometimes he comes out in fucking shreds. Sometimes he's been on a coke bender. We found him when he was broke, living in his van. He now wears the same Rolex that me and Joe Rogan wear. He balls out of control, selling out every weekend, but now he has a drug problem. Sing it if you know the words.

This is Hans Kim! Yeah! Thank you! You know, if we defund the police, then every weekend we have to go out on 6th Street and spread horseshit by hand. That was a joke. Love it here in Austin because you guys have a school for every disability. School for the blind, school for the deaf, school for Mexicans.

Such a Texas solution. But I'm in a school, maybe they can learn to not be blind. Or Mexican. I was just in Seattle recently, everyone dresses in layers in Seattle. They all look like they're trying to fly spirit without paying for a carry-on. That's why they're so socially awkward, because there's so much layers in between them and sex. They're like, ooh, you peaked my interest. Maybe you could get to the upper inner layer. Well, that's what I thought of, hey guys.

Hans Kim. Hans Kim. How do you feel? I feel amazing, Tony. You do? I do. Comedy has been amazing for me. And uh-oh.

Sounds like one of those drug weekends. Am I right? I did a couple grams of mushrooms. Oh, OK, that's it. Yeah. None of the hard stuff? No, none of the fun stuff. Let me ask you this.

I said the hard stuff. I don't think that's upspun. But your girlfriend does. Your girlfriend, who's levels hotter than you, we've talked about this every week. Does she tempt you on the regular with hard drugs, Hans? She just makes it look fun and hot. But she never pushes it on me.

OK. Did you do mushrooms with her this weekend? Yes. And what do you guys do when you do mushrooms? We just eat water burger and stare at her poster in a room. You're doing it wrong, man. Is she one of those strippers that used to come, Sam? No, no. This is a... what does she do?

She's in office jobs. She works from home. She just does computer stuff, answers emails, Supply chain stuff. So she works from home. So you guys spend a lot of time together. Is that right? Yes. What do you guys pass the time? We know that you're very insecure. You're always afraid that she's going to have sucked somebody's dick for some reason. You talk about this on the regular. Is that happened this week? Were you insecure at all this week? I was a little insecure this weekend I tell us about that moment I was like hey come downtown it's like okay I'll go to Rainy Street I was like okay that's not where I'm at and then right could make you nervous. And then I sort of looked to her phone that night.

Whoa! Hans! Just because you make the... What the fuck was that? Thank you! Let's limit it. I already have to... Oh, Keto-Ki-Haraite. My worst nightmares are coming true, everybody.

Two people with sound boards stepping on jokes now. Welcome to the new sound effect true, everybody. Two people with sound boards stepping on jokes now. Welcome to the new sound effect show, everybody. This is used to be a comedy show. Now it's just surprise noises at any point. Stepping on unbelievably fast, witty fucking jokes that I can't do now, because the opportunity has passed. And when you do it, when you do it, I can't yell, okay. All right.

This is great, this is what happened with the old band. That's how it started. They're in my 101. They go, okay, well now he's gonna say it, it all like it's an I'm gonna do more of it. I was gonna say just because you make the iPhones doesn't mean you get to go through them, huh? Still work. Still got it. Brought it back.

Never give up. John Cena says so. OK. So you went through the phone. What did you find? Give us the real T here, Hans. No one serves T better than Asian people. I want to hot green tea.

Let's go. I found a text message from a unregistered number. A-ha. Unsafe number? Yes. Right. And she was like, I just did it to get free drinks. What did it say? What did the message say?

Hey, nice to meet you. Are you there? Why aren't you responding? Wow. What time in the night were these messages out? Like 1 a.m. Oh, yeah. That's fucking, that's the danger zone right there. It could be business.m. Oh yeah, that's fucking, that's the danger zone right there. It could be business. Yeah. Is she the reason why we have supply chain issues? Like, like,

wow, Hans, what else is going on in your wild world? Anything else exciting? I recently got an STD test. Oh wow, it would have been lot of funnier with other word tests afterwards. I was very excited there. So what made you get the test? You've been with the same girlfriend for what, about six months? Yeah. I mean, I did get a text message that was like a former partner of yours says she has STD,

or she has AIDS and monkeypox. Go get tested. Anonymous service. Holy shit. Thatonymous service. Holy shit. That's hilarious. Wow. I'm going to get a new phone and start texting all my buddies. Great idea.

That's hilarious. That's a great thing to do. JK, new number, it's Tony. Just give him an hour, right? Let him sweat it a little bit. So you got to text and head AIDS and monkey pots. Yeah And you were like I got to go get tested Immediately believed it. I you know better safe than sorry, you know, there's no downsides to getting tested. You should all get tested

No one loves taking tests more than Asian people, all right It's an unbelievable. So everything come up clean? Everything's clean. Yeah, there you go. Yeah, but just, isn't that something about your relationship that you actually thought you might have AIDS or monkeypox? I was just going through the rolode decks of strippers that I kissed.

I kissed. Kissed. Kissed. Yes. That is how. That is how. God, how's he get late at all? Hans, we absolutely love you.

Every single week, you get the show started with a bang somehow one way or another, whether it's your minute or your unbelievably honest interviews. We love you. Make some noise for Hans Kim. Thank you That was Hans Kim that was Hans Kim that was Hans Kim that was Hans Kim I pulled a name out of the bucket before without anybody noticing and it is the name of Nicholas before without anybody noticing and it is the name of Nicholas Sepeglio ladies and gentlemen the first name out of the bucket we know him he's been on the show before he works here at the mothership one more time for Nicholas everybody

I work here you guys all saw. I'll stand on the stairs. When I got hired here, they said, Nick, you're a doer guy, but you're also comedian. So you have to treat the guests nice and be charismatic and joke with them and harass them a bit. So earlier, I saw this guy walk out of the other room with this weird Indiana Jones looking at. And I said, Hey, man, I'll meet you at the temple of Doom later. He looks mean goes, is that the best you got, bitch? Like he didn't have to call me a bitch.

So he went to the bathroom and then I got mad and he came back and goes, what else you got? I said nice hat, faggot. I'm currently writing a book. This is about growing up, a childhood asthma. It's called My Coffee. Nicholas, Sapeglia. What's up, Tony? What's up, guysapeglia.

What's up, Tony? What's up, guys? Welcome back. It's been a while since you've been on the show. Yeah, a little bit. Absolutely. My first time here in this room. Absolutely. Multiple times at Balkan Gas Company. Yeah. Your first time at the mothership where you are, a full-time employee. How do you like it?

It's awesome, man. It's a... It's definitely life-, getting the job. It's pretty awesome working here. Like, I don't know, we haven't talked about too much, but like I had a career and I have a house in California that I like gave up to move out here. What was the career? I was like family business, so I was gonna take over

an auto-glass business. Auto-glass. Yeah, pretty successful business, but that on myself, I moved out here about a year and a half ago and couldn't be happier. Wow, look at that. Incredible. So you're doing stand-up, you're working here. What are you doing for fun? Do you ever get over the asthma? Yeah, definitely.

I've been going out to like Barton Springs and checking out live music and hanging out here at mid-seys after work and just been working a lot and doing performing a lot. So it's been, I've got a full plate, you know. It's been good. I just got a cat. You just got a cat? Yeah. Wow. OK.

You live by yourself? No, I live with my girlfriend in a roommate. OK. How many bedrooms? Two bedrooms. Two bedrooms. So you in the girlfriend or in one room, the roommates in the other.

How did the roommate feel about the cat appearing out of nowhere? He likes cats, he doesn't mind. I talked to him about it. Okay, would you name the cat? Tobias. Why Tobias? I've been watching a lot of arrested development lately. Okay, never seen it. Eleanor, what do you think about this young bug? I think he's amazing.

Thank you. Uncomfortable, but amazing. Yeah, I get that. I don't know. Should I say hi? I've got a bag. I'm just going by the book. You gave up a house which tent is yours outside?

I just, I ran it. I rented it, actually. So I still have it. Good for you. You got room? Yeah. Oh, shit. Back in California, you want to live in Fresno, I guess? actually. So it's still have it. Good for you. You got room? Yeah. Oh shit.

Back in California, you want to live in Fresno, I guess? Ew. Yeah. Yeah, duh. How long have you been with your girlfriend? June will be like a year. Okay, what does she do? She works here in box office.

Oh, wow. Look at you guys. Sneaking around Rogan's club. You guys hook up against like a brick wall or something. Of course not. Come on, man. If you did, would you tell me? Not on stage. That's right.

Where would you go though if you were going to hook up? If you were going to do it, where would you do it? Great question, right now. Yes, yes, yes. Well, if we wanted anybody to see it and watch pretty much anywhere in the building this is camera. Isn't it really?

There really is. Unless you know where there's not cameras. I do, but I'm not going to blow it up here. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Nicholas, what else about you? What have we not talked about since you've been on the show a few times? Give us some fun fact about Nicholas's peglia.

I like to paint. It calms me down. I got into that over, got into that over pandemic. I haven't done it much since I'm here except been so busy, but I was selling paintings for a good amount of money back home before. I moved out here. That's what got me a lot of.

Wow, what can you? You gave up a whole life of success in Fresno, California, and I come here. Better to be a small fish and a big pond than a big fish and a small pond. I'm going to be a big fish out here too. Wow. Your voice makes me want to take a fucking nap.

I got to tie a nickel-assets on. I'm going to go low. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. Very fun set. Red band. I would like to have you on the secret show Thursday at sunset. You've already got all the jokebooks.

Nicholas of Peglia. There he goes. APPLAUSE Uh, mix some noise for your next comedian, AJ Valentine, everybody. Pull them out of the bucket. AJ Valentine. Yay!

Yay! Yay! There was fucking room! Fucking room Dude this is it man Guys this is it bro we're here or I'm gonna you I'm here. I'm gonna this is it bro. You know Yeah, I've been working on my social skills lately. I'm I'm I'm kind of the LeBron James of not making women uncomfortable

Which is Which is pretty cool We're here man Oh, no. We're here, man. I'm fucking having a, I was like doing this shit, and they're like, all right, I'm fucking like five minutes and I get you on. There's a guy in the suit. Fuck you, man.

Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. I've been doing some cat calling lately, you know? But I've been doing some cat calling lately, you know? But I've been doing some not making women uncomfortable cat calling. I've been like, I don't want them to hear me. So I've been like, I think you're really pretty. I think your skin and hair is pretty All right, AJ Valentine using all of his time

Hello, AJ. How are you? What the fuck's wrong with you? Something let's get to it. I'm really excited. Okay, how old are you? I'm 24 24 years old. How long you been on stand-up comedy? Ah 12 over two years two years and that's your minute. Yeah came out guns the blaze that your best minute? Oh, yeah really yeah, you did your best joke in that minute probably which one was it? It was the one we're hang on it was two years in the game. Let's talk about it It was the one where I was like, I was like, I'm the little Ron James with not making women uncomfortable, you know? And then I fucking, yeah.

Wow. Wow. Okay, AJ. Were you been doing this comedy yet for the last two years? I just, I did, I did my first two years in Portland, Oregon, and I had a lot of fun there. I can tell it's Portland because your act is a dumpster fire. Stand over there by the red ax. You're really getting a little close. Nope, the other fucking direction, AJ. Thank you so much. I love it. I love it. Okay, AJ, what do you do for a living? I am trying to find a job.

Uh-huh. Okay. You live here now? Yeah, I do the whole thing, man. I'm like, yeah, I just got to do it. So the answer is yes to that question. You moved here. Yeah.

How long ago did you move here? Almost three months. Three months. You haven't had a job since you move here? Almost three months. Three months. You haven't had a job since you got here? Well, I mean, I've been trying to, like, you could say anything right now. I have no one knows what the fuck you're talking about. It's a two years in the entertainment business man.

We have no idea what you're trying to say. The question was, What was the question? Do you have a job? Have you had a job? Are you looking for a job? How are you surviving in Austin, Texas? I don't have a job and I'm kind of looking for a job. Do you have money saved up? Yeah, X amount, you know. God, you are the worst.

Somehow, all your awkwardness, there's nothing likable about it. It's amazing. It should be likable, but it's not. You have bad timing. Have people told you that you're funny? Yeah. Who? It's happened.

Who? What is their name and their numbers? I want to contact them and tell them that they've recently been near monkey pox and AIDS Holy shit AJ Valentine. This is absolutely incredible. You did your best minute here tonight. Yeah, it was a real struggle How much time do you think you have all together two years years in the game. Oh, I got a good one. Oh, you're so annoying. I can't deal with you for another minute. And that noise that you make to start every answer is fucking unbearable.

I've never even heard anything like it before. I'm encouraging you to quit right now. I think when you find that job, I think you should quit. I don't see it happening for you. Eleanor, you knew me when I was 24. I was already two years old. Right, but you're not autistic. I don't, he's autistic.

And we have a rule around here. We don't call stupid people autistic. That's not stupid, like he's nervous. Eleanor, that's a cheeto. If it's written, came by. He'd be loving it. That's Fido alcohol syndrome. No, I love him.

You're good. Your parents have he drinkers All right, what do you think's wrong with you? Have you been diagnosed as anything? Yeah, I want to a special at high school What? Special at high school like did the doctors tell you you were something or they just put you there? I'm not a technicality. It was just like ADHD and shit. Okay So it was a fun ADHD and shit. Okay. So it was a fun time, 90 kids. Okay. What do you like to do for fun when you're not absolutely fucking bombing? What else do you do?

Fucking killing. Okay. Yeah, no one believes you. No one believes you. No one. Red band's clapping because he's also half retarded. So. He still leaves you. No one. Red band's clapping because he's also half retarded. So, what do you do like hobbies, anything?

You don't have a job, you don't have jokes, so I'm trying to find out anything about you right now. You're being interviewed on a live podcast. It's okay, I'm just trying to kill it in every way shape forward. There he goes, everybody, AJ Valentine, not even a little joke book. He's hitting the road, everybody. Absolutely unbearable. This show is not for everybody. You have to be able to answer questions. Very, very tough challenge.

And for those of you that think, aw, he's special. Aw, he's autistic. Aw, there's something wrong with him. Well, my friends, I right now am about to introduce you to a comedian That's literally fucking retarded and he's about to destroy golden ticket winner from Toronto, Canada Kill Tony famous Jared Nathan everybody The one and only Jared Motherfucking Nathan. As you may notice, I have trouble with a lot of At some extent things start with a lot of

baseball B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- I love my cat. There's some... There's some... Poddims. Well, having a cat. I get to... W... Wake up with the... I ask... In my face every morning.

There's some... In my face every morning. This is negative for having a cat. I keep confusing catnip for weed. Cats go crazy for a catnip. I just like smelly Cazgo crazy! Where are you can do? I just like smelly... Percy!

What did I tell you? Jared Nate, and everybody, does it all the time. Golden ticket winner, 100% kill ratio, 100% good set set since his very first set every single set every single interview the fucking guy gets it not leaning on excuses like autistic or ADHD no you're yeah exactly that's fucking nothing it's nothing to you that's like a fucking ingrown or something. It's just not even that big of a deal 80 HD and autism are the least of your fucking worries Yeah, he does get a little it's a little little little little squirter

It's a little squirty over there. He gets excited. Stand on the red X-share that's the It gets a little squirty over there. He gets excited. Stand on the red X, Jared. That's the, that's the, okay Tony. Squat. Okay. All right. How's it going Jared? Oh great set, my friend.

You did it again. Tell us about how your week in Austin's going. Are we going to be pretty good? Mm-hmm. Pretty good. Okay. Excellent. I just, then just hanging out, taking walks,

smokey weed. I went to the Seattle FC game Soccer game yeah, yes, that was fun. I took magic in mushrooms like a idiot Tell us tell us why that was an idiot move. Explain to us what happened. Think of everything that was... What folks saying on the game? And I was folks saying, not on the game.

Right. I was hit by an old fucking... I was in one land shit. Yeah. Tell us what you saw eating mushrooms at the soccer game. Explain to us what goes on. Because I know what mushrooms does to me. I can't even fucking imagine what it must be like in your fucking brain. Because like the shit that I see when I'm on mushrooms,

I feel like you already see sober. I thought I was going to fucking unicorns and shit. And fucking, I'm like, I'm fuckedf-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f-f I didn't know there was a Z in lights, but we figured it out. I mean, I don't shit up, Dodie. I love it. No one digs it more than me, my friend. Tell us more. So you're at the soccer game, shit's going down. Who won?

You did. Who's win? I think Seattle won, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I only know it. I think Seattle score and everybody makes a fucking noise like walk the fuck up. Oh my god. Oh my god Were you shaking by yourself? Are you spinning in circles? Like what were you doing sitting?

If my seeds saying no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more Pause everything hold on you're hold on hold on hold on No more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no more no, no more, no more, no more, no more. What the fuck is that? I have no idea. But that's what no more normal, no more. I'm in my place, Tony. No more normal. I'm in my place, Tony. No more, no more. Oh, wow. Play with words.

I play with words when I'm high. Too. Tony, he's so lucky. He gets the shroom anywhere he wants. No one's going to say shit. Right. Right. Exactly.

Right. Yeah. Right. Go, let's go. 100%. Right exactly. Yeah. Right. Go to hell! A hundred percent. Oh my god. No more normal. No more, no more.

No more. Have you ever thought those words in that succession before? No, it just came to the end. Holy shit. What else? Tell us more about this trip. I was thinking, what the fuck did I choose to suck in to do mushrooms? Right. Yeah.

Why was I outside? I don't know. Why did you choose the soccer game? Who'd you go to then? How'd you get there? Were you even at a soccer game? I was. Was it a little league game or was it Austin FC? You're not the Austin FC. You just tripping balls.

I went with mmmm, what did? You saw me tripping. This guy? This guy saw me, and Jesus Josh. Oh, Jesus Josh? Okay. You just ran into them there? We ate a plan.

We had a plan and I had a plan and I had, I had a spoon pills all year round and I thought it was a good idea. But obviously it wasn't. Have you done mushrooms before? Yes. Okay. I've done them the concerts and other places. Right. But this is your first time doing it at a soccer game. Yes, I would recommend it. Okay, all right. We're not recommended!

All right, all right, we got you. We got you. Yes, Eleanor Caragas. I just have a quick question. Were you feeling normal? So you were saying no more normal? I mean, I'm just curious. Like, were you seeing things?

Are you hurt, Christy? You're just over something? I wanted to move things out of the past. I was in just move on, you know? I was thinking, I don't know. I love it. I'm proud of you. I always feel like I'm normal, right Tony?

Yeah, I get it. Were you doing joke? So everybody was on mushrooms that you went with. OK, good. Yeah. How'd you get home? Okay, good. Yeah. How'd you get home? I got to ride home.

From one of the friends that were on mushrooms. Yes. Okay. Anything else exciting happened this week, Jeremy? Oklahoma. Yesterday? Okay. Would you do an Oklahoma?

I just did a show in Oklahoma. Did you drive there? I had a ride on my friend. Okay. And you did a show in Oklahoma. Did you drive there? I had a ride on my friend. OK, and you did it just to show an Oklahoma. Yeah, how'd that go? It was fucking awesome. Yeah. I had a lot of fun afterwards.

OK, what'd you do afterwards? Runs to the strip club. Uh-oh, look out. Absolutely. This time Tony, I actually spend money, so it's fun. Right. Normally, you just make it rain when you're talking, I'm not going to have to do that. This time Tony, I actually spend money, so it's fun. Right. Normally you just make it rain when you're talking.

So it's very exciting to hear how the strip club go for you. Do you get a lap dance? Yeah, we got a couple. It's fun. OK. Did you fall in love with any of the strippers? I was. There's some girl out there.

I run a long time ago. Don't do that. Right. I would. There's some girl out there right. I want a long time ago. Don't do that. Right. No more. No more normal. No more normal. No more normal. No more.

Right. Exactly. That's not normal. Right. Did you say, did you talk to any of the strippers? What's your go-to line when talking to a stripper? Give us an example of what you say. Do you ever lean into your condition?

You're ever just like, duh! Or like, is it like, hello? How are you? I'm a business man. I have so much money. Are you doing, let's go for it. or... D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D- loves you, you're a freak of nature. You're a freak of nature. You're a freak of nature. There he goes, the great Jared Nathan, everyone. We're gonna keep him moving along. Make some noise for Andre Rodriguez, everybody. The next comedian, yep. Here he is, one more time for Andre Rodriguez, everyone.

Here to be Austin, I got to do this today and I get to go on vacation tomorrow, y'all. I'm going to Hawaii for the first time. Yeah. To get an abortion for the second time. Let's talk about it. You might be tining up, I just want to let you know where I stand on a woman's right to choose. That is on a surfboard.

That's exactly where. I know it's going to be a weird trip though, you know. I can imagine getting off the plane, the flight attendant's going to ask me, what brings you to Hawaii, sir? Business or pleasure? Well, pleasure brought me here to handle some business. So, came to the Aloha State, where hello also means goodbye. So, growing up, that was good at spelling bees. I was actually really good at spelling bees, but I wasn't good enough to beat Indian kids in spelling bees because as it turns out, there is no harder word to spell than an Indian person's name.

Have you seen their names? They are superfluous, and I can use both of those in a sentence. Niddarshaan on Andasav's name is the purfluis. Thank you. OK. All right. Andre Rodriguez. Am I saying that correct?

Andres. Andres Rodriguez. OK, absolutely. Let's get into it, Andres. Now, you are a comedy photographer. That I am. And you started that at Vulcan two and a half years ago. Just about, yeah.

Been doing that for about two and a half years. Right. I remember because you were the photographer that took pictures of us at Vulcan Gas Company. When did you start stand-up comedy? About four years ago. Four years ago. So you were doing stand-up first?

Yes, it was. OK. And... Wawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawawaw You were doing stand-up first. Yes, I was. Okay. And, uh, wah, wah. Ha, ha, ha. Do you make all your money doing pictures? I kind of do a lot of things. You know, I do lighting and sound. I do a lot of photography and I bartend from time to time.

So, you know, just a Mexican just doing many jobs as he can, right? Ha, ha, ha, ha. as he can, right? Okay. Andreas, tell us some interesting stuff about you. Because that, you just didn't, I don't know, I didn't find your set to be very compelling. That's fine. Alright. Just make yourself compelling now. Make me interested in you, Andreas. Alright, I had a very hilarious injury when I was 20 years old.

Injury? Yeah, tell us about that. Well, I was 20 years old. I just first moved away from home, so you know, it was just a little rascal. I went to a park on the river, right? I climbed up this tree, and as I was climbing up this tree, I'm standing on a branch, and I'm about to jump in the water,

and there's this long chain hanging in front of me right this is long chain and I think nothing of it I'm gonna jump in the water and I'm gonna swim along and be on my merry way right I Jump I'm falling I see the chain coming at me and this ain't gonna stop neither am I this chain goes up my legs hits my tank, falls in the water, and I'm just in a watery womb of pain. I swim to shore, I'm yelling, ruining everyone's day. And first person on scene is actually a firefighter and he says, all right, relax, relax, just breathe.

Everything is there. Jesus fucking Christ dude, what's going on bro? Hit the fucking, what's going on? I remember the fucking thing I remember all said y'all I wrote my scrotum. That's what happened. Oh, yeah Okay, I'm bored of you too. I'm gonna let you go. Andre Zradriga is everybody. I'm bored of people today Boring there you go on to the next one There's gotta be some people that fucking prepared for this or something four years in the game And I just can't even fucking hear a word. He's saying these

Make some noise for your next comedian Adam C. Pickens everybody Adam C. Pickens. Let's see if anything happens here Some bad bucket pools tonight you guys having fun out there? Oh here we fucking go make some noise for Adam C. Pickens. What's up Austin? Hey does anybody remember their first orgasm? Yeah, I remember mine, but not for the reasons that you guys think. First of all, my day was there. It's not like that, man. Context. Alright, when I was 11, I had to give a surgery on my stomach.

Alright, so pre-op, I had to get it on ultrasound. Alright. I walk in me, my dad, I'm 11 years old. 22-year-old bombshell. Alright, doing the pre-op. She has to shave me and then do an ultrasound on my stomach. So as 11 year old will do, I'm as hard as a rock. Okay. And every single time that she would pull the blanket up over my stomach, I would get harder. Every time.

Until I blew all over my stomach. Jesus fucking Christ, man. I don't know what's going on here tonight, but it appears as though the bucket's fucked tonight. The outfits phenomenal. I mean, it really is. I had very, very high hopes. Okay, two or something. Putt in Jesus Christ. Adam, how long have you been knowing standup? That was my first 60 seconds. Very, very fucking good. Thank God for that. The last two

times that I've expected to hear that as an answer, I heard four years and two years. So congratulations. You were supposed to have that kind of set tonight. I'm that as an answer I heard four years and two years so congratulations you were supposed to have that kind of set tonight. I'm glad it was here. Okay so how far did you drive to get here tonight? I've been here a couple months but I drove from Detroit so a long way. Okay and you've been where for a couple months? Southwest mostly but staying all around. Yeah, I'm a no-man, so I like stay on campgrounds and, you know, fish. What do you have a car, a van, what do you have?

Yeah, no, I stay in my ride, usually I stay in my ride. What's your ride? Uh, it's a older, it's technically a station wagon, old Ford. Oh, it's an actual station wagon. No, no, no, technically, technically. Yeah. Sorry. Did it?

You're saying it like it's a curse or something like that. It's technically a station wagon, but not really. No, it's in a escape, but technically on the title, it says station wagon. It fucked me up when I went to the station. Escape is in what women try to do when you're near them. OK. Eleanor Caraghan, I'm going to check in with you

on Adam C. Pickens. Adam's amazing. Congrats on your first 60 seconds, whatever that was. Did it take you 60 seconds to come on that lady, too? No, it was actually a few minutes. It was really awkward, but you know. Everything is awkward right now. And that we, we, and that's great though. You're right.

This, this is how your first set is supposed to go. Yeah. The choice of outfit is that the only thing you had in the station wagon? Yeah, is that a comedy thing? Or do you always dress like that? You, usually I wear my good vest, but today it was a little, it was a little warm out, so I figured I would go

overalls, you know, okay Where what do you wear on the lower half of that you have underwear underneath there? Yes, sir. You have underalls All right What do you do for a living? Everybody's been so unfunny on this stage that it's actually making me less funny. It's like contagious I feel like I'm about to get a text message. You have been a near unfunny people. You need to check yourself for fucking rookieism.

Okay. Answer the question, Adam. What do you do for a living? You're a no mad, but how do you survive? Mostly hands-on jobs right now. I did automotive logistics and construction for the most part growing up, but now I just, I'm playing it whatever right now.

When you say no matter, you one of those guys like when the cops pull you over, you're like, I don't have to show you my license, like one of those fucking idiots. I actually don't have my license right now, so. Have you had any run-ins with the cops? No, no, actually, you know, down here, they're so short staffed, and if you're not... If you're not being... You know what I'm saying? If you're not being...

One more reason to move the office. So smart. So smart. So smart. The police forces short staff. No, I'm not that bad. It's amazing that he knows that. This is like a tourism ad for Austin.

Come on down. You can fucking park anywhere and live. The police don't give a fuck. You don't even need a license. Come on down. You can dress. You can wear whatever you want. You can chase your dreams.

You don't even have to be funny on Kiltzoni. You can do anything. Adam, what have you been doing with your life up until this point? Did you ever have a structured life and then you became a nomad or were you just always sort of a free spirit? I well we moved a lot as a kid and I followed that trend. I'm from Detroit so it was a good

place to leave as you know. Okay. Yep. And I've been kind of just going since I was about 17 just. Where have you been? Tell us some fucking interesting stories about your life on the road. Man, while I lived in Mississippi, was the first trip out of Michigan and God, yeah, Mississippi, nobody cheers for that. Why Mississippi? I was contracting work for the government and for a Southern company.

Oh, there you go. Okay, see that's sort of the answer to the question I was looking for. So at one point, you were accepting government contracts. Yeah, I actually a lot of them over. I've, you'll like this. I, one time I built a weed farm for former DEA agents in Michigan. Yeah.

I know that's, yeah. When you said you're gonna like this, I thought that myself, there's no fucking way I'm gonna like it. Boy, was I right. You just don't, you just don't believe me on that, but it's all right. No, I do believe you. It's just not entertaining to me. Adam C. Pickens, give me something else.

What's your love life like? You ever bring a girl back to the escape? Strictly hotels. Yeah, strictly hotels. Is that true? Yeah, I don't shit. I don't shit where I eat, Tony. Come on.

Well, you actually do. You shit where you sleep and you sleep where you eat and you eat where you shit You literally admitted that four and a half minutes ago on this show And are you saying hotels or motels because I'm guessing it's motels it hotels motels are holiday-ins And if that pitch keeps fucking up. Are you gonna fuck her friend? I hope so. Okie-dokie fucking up, are you gonna fuck her friend? I hope so. Okey dokey. Uh, so do you really get hotels if you have a chance with a girl?

Yeah, well I'll get hotels anyway sometimes, yeah. Okay. I'm not a complete scumbag. Are you like on dating apps or something like that? Are you on farmers only? Unfortunately, I am. It's so bad though. It's a, it's torture being on those apps.

Don't I know it? This is what I would match with. Exactly. I know. Woo! Woo! Woo! And I throw it down, baby.

Oh, I'm good. Oh, shit. Please don't take me to your escape room. I don't. He picks you up. He's like, you want to go back to my place? Because we're already there. Come on, you.

So tell us what a date with Adam C. Pickens is like. Give us an example of a U-Go. You're on a dating app. Then what happens? I'm the worst. Really, I'd be like, hey, would you want to go like, fish in and then maybe go get some dinner after that? Or, you know.

And by dinner, you mean the fish that you caught because you don't have any fucking money. Well, no, I have money, yeah. So how do you have money? Well, if you work good contracts and you work really hard, then you can save and you can put away and then you can kind of just do your thing. What made you want to start stand-up comedy?

Is that what you moved to Austin for? No, no, I was kind of just do your thing. What made you want to start stand-up comedy? Is that what you moved to Austin for? No, no, I was kind of passing through. It was so cold in Detroit, I was back there for almost a year and it was so cold that I just needed to be somewhere where I could fish. So I started driving south until I could fish and I ended up in Tennessee and then Arkansas and no, here I am in Texas.

Oh, yeah, okay. Yeah, buddy. I like the music scene so much that I stayed. I'm a musician, so I was sold right away. You're a musician? Oh, I'm a killer musician. How long have you been playing music for? I've been taking seriously music about 10 years.

10 years. What instrument do you play? I play mostly now. It's a acoustic guitar. I have it right downstairs, but yeah, mostly guitar. I used to play like piano and I've had a cello for a while. O'Colele, you know, run it down. Yeah, the musicians are all shaking their head.

No, at me. So it ain't going to happen. Adam C Pickens, but I will tell you this is that your interview was more interesting than the everyone else out of the bucket tonight. So congratulations. There's a little joke. Guys. We're gonna give it moving along. Good news, everybody. We have one of the comedians for you for the love of fucking God. One of the strongest regulars in the history of the show famous for his unbelievable roasting skills and writing skills and performing skills. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one the only mother fucking David Lucas everybody. Here we go Yeah Yeah, I got it.

I'm one of those black people who like racism. For real, because like, I'm on the all sides, the whites. And I do love racism because if there was no racism, there would be no car heart. I really love car heart, I guess. I think about a lot of shit as a comedian, and sometimes I think to myself, I'm like, do gay guys die?

You're like, it's a real question, you know? Like, I've never heard somebody say, I'm going to a gay guys funeral, you know what I mean? I'm so sorry. It's kind of like a baby midget, you know? Like, I've never seen one, but I know they exist. Yeah. That was the last part.

I want to do they, I want to do the Barry want to do they bury gay guys face down This is what he would want All right, so I'm pretty unbelievable. Oh my god. I almost forgot what comedy was like for a second everybody Holy shit jokes timing Execution I truly truly so when you die will bear you face Oh, you son of a bitch you son of a bitch You son of a bitch and when we bury you six feet on nervous We'll bury you on your back and your little belly's gonna be hanging out of the dirt still cuz you're a fat fuck you son of a bitch piece of shit

You son of a bitch, piece of shit. He's so happy to see you. We're gonna bury you in the place you love the most, your refrigerator. You gonna get buried in a tutu, nigga, shut your mouth. Easy access when you go to hell for being a kid. All the mother gay niggas gonna be down there with you. Hey guys, Tony has joined the party. All the mother gay niggas gonna be the underwitch Hey guys Tony has joined the party

When you say I'm gonna end up in hell are you talking about the gym your hell or like actual Yo-hell is being around straight men acting straight every week. That's what you do. That's what you do. That's what you do. That's what you do. Tony, you the only nigga that go for ice cream. This is my other... That is straight man. Who got to taste for ice cream? That is true.

And every time I eat ice cream, you gain another pound. It's incredible. I don't know how it happens. It's like we're twins. We feel each other. Every time you tell a lie, your booty hole get bigger. That's what you do. That's what you do. That's what you do. That's what you do. That's what you do. Like, we're twins, we feel each other. Every time you tell a lie, your booty hoes get bigger. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

Son of a bitch. Like, reverse Pinocchio, you know what I'm saying? LAUGHTER Don't bring Philly up to this. LAUGHTER Pull his pants down, let's see if he's lying. LAUGHTER You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

When you fart it sound like a tube or nigga, it was... Wait, what? Hold on, I'm gonna fart real quick. Let's see what it sounds like. I've been telling a lot of lies lately. I've been very dishonest. Tony, they bring your booty to UT Stadium to signal halftime.

Because... Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. 15. Oh.

I love it. One day. I'm in it. Oh, I just farted. Ha ha ha ha. 15 One day Oh, I just farted David that was one of my favorites sets. I think you've ever done man. That was really good And and the only thing that I can say to know, all the comedians that are here is they don't understand what Rogan has done with this place. Like, when I'm in town, I'm able to get up 15, 20 times a week, and that's the only

thing that makes you a better comic. Like, you know what I'm saying? Right. Right. It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... like right right his in LA that took two months right this is your favorite club since the sandwich they got a heated toilet seat upstairs with Tony that's because you sat on it

before me Tony you look like you put icy hiding the back of your underwear I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. I'm gonna get you. Tony, you look like you put icy hot in the back of your underwear. I'm gonna get you. I'm in the middle of loving it. I mean, it gives me a little pep in my stuff, you know what I mean? David, why do you think you're so overweight? We never really talk about it directly.

Like, I know my feminine qualities and why you call me gay, but we never talk about why you're morbidly obese. You know what I mean? Because you ain't got no bass in your voice, nigga, that's what. I like to eat, man. I like to eat.

But tell us what you eat and when you eat and what happens there. So that's what I mean. Well, now it's different because I got all these people that Making me healthier, so I don't get to eat the way I used to but what did you use to eat so that red band knows how to make changes in Oh, bro, you know you got to wake up in the morning and post-made some chick filet Yeah, I used to wait to 10-30 so I get lunch and breakfast. Wow.

A chicken biscuit with waffle fries is the best. Mm-hmm. And now what? Now what are some of your guilty pleasures? Now that you have people trying to get you help. Oh my God, now for breakfast, it's an athletic green smoothie, bro. Oh, no. I don't eat a real meal to like 2 p.m. I got to tell you athletic greens is one of the sponsors and I got to tell you it's one of the most delicious

beverages that I've ever had in my entire life I just love the flavor of athletic greens. I mean There you go. yeah, yeah. For the listeners, that wasn't me. It's either my butthole or Eleanor's pussy. In Eleanor, Queen. I pussy echoes. Is that what that old Queeson left?

Yeah. Cause they got the long curtains. Yeah. Oh, women, oh women Queeson, like anti-griffin music. Sometimes it stutters like that guy. Yeah. Pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup-pup- I'm gonna take two years. Oh my God. Bob's big burger, bicycle's brakes, boulders. It's a cheat code. That might be a six words and it's a minute.

He's, yep. I'm like, what the fuck is a cheat? He crushes with retard strength. That is incredible. It is unbelievable. I'm about to get a stunner. They can fuck that. Yeah.

Yeah. Gag, gag,'s like that. Yeah. Yeah. G-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g-g David you're unbelievable we are the Guinness world record holders for the two people that have made fun of each other the most ever on the internet of all time. It continues on June 10th. June 10th is the 10 year anniversary of Killtony. It's sold out in an hour but tickets are available for the livestream. A moment dot CEO slash Killtony sold out in an hour, but tickets are available for the live stream at moment.co slash killtony We are live streaming it Make some noise one more time for David Lucas everybody The one and the only bringing it life back to the show

Just like the regulars are supposed to do and now we go back to the bucket as we've seen Anything can happen make some noise for your next comedian Chris lively everybody Chris lively One more time for Chris everybody So So, I was taking a shower this morning and I dropped the soap on myself and I started day dreaming about what it would be like if I had been born a woman. And not just any woman, but a hot woman. I'd go out, I'd get my lips filled. I'd get the milk makeover.

Get the BBL. And then I'd go out and try to find a bunch of rich, black rappers. And I would fuck them all. No condom, completely raw dog style. As many as I could get in the night. I would avoid the white rappers though. Bad lyrics.

Small dicks. They come too quick. But their gold chains would be real. And then I'd finish jacking myself off. Wow, the tradition continues, ladies and gentlemen. Chris Lively out of the bucket. First time doing stand up? First time ever.

There you go. OK, that makes it OK. Give him a hand. It's his first time. Trying it out. How old are you, Chris? I'm 49. 49 years old.

Here you are in Austin trying to stand up for the first time. Yes. How did you end up here? What have you been doing with your life up until this point? I own a restaurant up in Maine. And I bought a condo down here in Austin to get away from the winters. And how long did you do that?

Last January. And then I've seen you probably 40 or 50 times at the Vulcan. And then here at the mothership. Okay. So I've always seen you criticize hecklers and saying, you know, you don't even have the balls to sign up. Right. So I said, you know what?

I'm going to try to sign up. I was in a stand-up line. Didn't make it in. Like, I'm going to go all back. I'm going to sign up. I like that. Good answer. Good answer.

Good answer. So how did it feel? Tell the people what you what happened that you did expect and what you didn't expect the feeling that you just had on this stage doing the 60 seconds. Well I was just hoping not to have a heart attack walking in here. And it's just a shock you know the percentages of getting called are so minuscule. It is unbelievable. It's just a shock, you know, the percentages of getting called are so minuscule. It is unbelievable. It's just a privilege to be up here with you guys and everyone.

I mean, this is crazy for me. Okay. Tell us something interesting about your life, Chris. I got knighted in Belgium. How'd you get knighted? I own a Belgian beer bar. I'm a chef. Blah blah blah blah blah. but I did a lot of promotional work for Belgian beer and Jesus and chocolate and yeah, I've shot commercials over in Europe and whatever.

Oh, whore from fillies and pranks. Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Control your sluts, Alan. Those are my people. We'll get them. We'll get them outside. Yeah, you know how to bake with yeast? Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. And I also, on a cannabis dispensary. So when we trim our cannabis, we always put on the Kill Tony show. So that's how I kind of got into you. Yep. And my wife has no idea. I don't even know how I'm going to tell her I did this.

And she's going to be watching in two weeks Right, and I'm gonna be coming up. So where did your wife think you are right now? Well she thought I was gonna be in the standby line and then I told her I was waiting in the alley But I don't know if I'm gonna tell her actually got called up. Wow Look at that. Is there anything you want to tell her since she shut the fuck up Exactly, it's Christ Look at that, is there anything you want to tell her since she... Shut the fuck up. Zach, this is crazy. You know, if you shouldn't be heckling out there, if you had any courage, you would have signed up for tonight's... Zach, Zach, Zach.

Uh, I just wanted to... How long you been with this old fucking bag of bones? What are we talking about here? 21 years, I've been married. 21? 21 years. Amazing. What did she do?

She worked with me. She makes desserts. She makes run restaurants. My daughter makes a dessert. How's your daughter? She's 21. Look at that, Red Bamboo. Did she have an Instagram?

Hey, hey, hey. She likes older men. Wow. Does she like older, fat, or more disgusting men? Yes. Wow. Can she keep a secret? My god.

Red band meet breadpan. Yeah, man. Yeah, man. Wow. Incredible. What do you do for fun, Chris, when you're not doing a running all these businesses and shit? Yeah.

Uh, pretty much, uh, I get in the stand-by line and I'm here all the time just watching the show, drinking drinks. But that's what I do. As I watch comedy, I try to go out to as much live artists I can. I mean, I work to put a roof over my head and to put my kids in school, but... Great answer. Great answer. Great answer. Let me ask a different question. 21 years with the same woman,

how do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? You seem like a creative guy. You've put yourself in position to run businesses and things that you like to do. You like drinking, you have a beer thing. You like food, you have a rest. I'm excited to hear if you have any tricks in the bedroom or anything like that, Chris.

Bro, we're freaky as fuck. Tell me about it. Let's go. This is I had a feeling about that I Had a feeling there is absolutely anything that you can imagine we do it's yeah, dude We have all the boys can you describe it a little bit better than that because Hattachi wants fuck water Wait wait wait wait wait wait hold on time out wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait which is an automatic pause on the show. Okay, what the fuck is fuck water? Ha ha. Fuck water is a lube, it's called fuck water. Yeah, man.

And it's just lube? Just lube, but with a fancy name. Okay, yeah. It's good branding. You get pegged? You know what, I, I, I, I, I, damn. Wow.

Is that the chocolate you were talking about earlier? No, no, no. No, but before we went to Europe, like the night before my wife decided she was gonna stick her finger at my ass for the first time. Whoa. And I'll tell you, my ass is made of porcelain. It is not made for that.

I was fucked up for like two weeks on that European vacation. Wow. It was like no more normal, no more. No more normal. I tried. I'll try anything once, but man. Buh, buh, buh, buh, bye, ad.

Yeah. Yeah. So wow, buh, buh, buh, bye, ad. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So wow, just a single finger in your ass, fucked you up for two weeks. Bad, dude. Explain that to us. How, why, did your wife have elephantitis of the fingers? I don't know if you did that, or have a really small asshole. I don't know.

I'll be the judge of that. I don't know. I'll be the judge of that. I don't know if you know this, but when I lie, my ass all gets, all right. You made a use more fuck-wad in your ass. I think so. It's something, but yeah. It is quite incredible. You are the only non-regular, non-golden ticket winner that actually seems comfortable in your interview portion during this show

You're giving real answers your open book everybody else seems to be playing it safe Where do you think this type of comfort comes from do you have you done anything else on stages or public speaking? Why are you so comfortable? You think it's just because you absorb so much comedy? You've envisioned this. You've been so many times. You've pictured this moment many times. Yeah, man, I mean, by wife and me and my click, I mean, we worship you guys.

We see it, and I see all of the little movements and stuff. I know all the, I don't know them personally, but I follow the band members, and it's like, this is what I do for fun. I work for this. So cool. So cool. Well Chris Lively, do you have tickets to the 10-year anniversary show? I don't. It's sold out in 65 minutes. 3,000 people are going to be there.

And the good news is, is you're getting a big joke book. And I'm putting you on my personal guest list, June 10th. June 10th live from the ACL live theater. You can watch the stream live moment.co slash Killtony. You guys having fun out there, huh? Oh! Oh!

Make some noise for your next comedian, Nico, everybody out of the bucket, Nico. There he is, make some noise for Nico, everybody. The Killtony debut of Niko! Alright, here we go. I'm a little sick, or I was sick getting over something. I don't always sound like this. It wasn't second dicks before this.

Maybe I was, don't fucking judge me. See I'll ever take one of those 20th century fox shits. You know what I'm talking about? You sit on the toilet and it's like... BAM! BAM! BAM! BAM! Got you feeling like a fucking superstar up there on the toilet. So, you might be wondering, is this dude buy up here? And the answer is yes, I am by racial. But to tell the truth though, everybody's a little by, right?

You just got to figure out if that's bisexual or bipolar, right? In my case, I've got the by effect to going on. I'm all three. No, no, no, no, no, no, but truthfully, I am. I am by racial. I'm half black, half white. It's the same thing as being full black, in the sense that I still get harassed by the police

and followed by retail stores. But I only got half the dick. Oh, it's fucked up, man, it's fucked up. I really wanted to spend some time today working on my set, so that it has something funny to say for all you guys. But to be honest, my new Lego set sounded a lot more exciting to work on. I'm working on my set so that I have something funny to say for all you guys. But to be honest, my new Lego set sounded a lot more exciting to work on. It's an 18-up set. You might be wondering how Lego set could be 18-in-up.

Let me tell you. It's a Lego pocket pussy. But if those things are as bad on your dick as they do on your feet, I might be selling that shit later. Thank you. There you go, Nico, everybody. An adorable set. Grab that microphone, Nico. Stand on that shit later. Thank you. There you go. Nico everybody and adorable set grad that microphone. Nico stand on that red X You're about to be interviewed live on Kultoni welcome. Look at me Nico. How are you? I'm so fucking happy to see you right now. Absolutely Thank you. I'm happy to see you. I didn't know Lenny Kravitz made a baby with Stuart little 25 25 years ago. How long have you been on standup?

I've done eight open mics. I started in January. OK. Yeah, I moved here to Austin about a month ago. From where? From Seattle. Oh, yeah, that's why you look like that. OK.

But I'm not from Seattle. Where are you from? I kind of don't want to say it. You kind of don't want to say. I'm from Bakersville, California. Oh, okay. All right. So, okay.

What do you do for work? You work at a gay carnival or something like that? Yes. At night, I work at Trader Joe's. Oh. Similar. Okay. All right.

What do you do at Trader Joe's? And why are you wearing your outfit right now? Come straight from work They don't let me wear this outfit at work But I do it Trader Joe's I ring people up Talk to white girls You like white girls You love white girls. That's your thing. Yeah, I like Asian girls too, but they don't fuck with me. Oh

Why do you think that is? I honestly don't know. I really don't know. Oh, you're looking like a sideshow barber. Happy Asian Heritage Month, everybody. Don't forget, May is Asian Heritage Month. Do you think you can make any joke you want as long as you say Happy Asian Heritage Month after work? Oh, we do not recognize him. That is that is that's just mean the band is all

roasting him and guys guys you can't just have your own side roast back here. So your bipolar and biriracial. Do you ever call yourself bye-bye? Do you write a bicycle? Yeah, I do. Okay, there you go. Alright. I write a motorcycle. You do?

I do, yeah. Wow. It's in the alley. Okay. It's not that cool. I don't know why I said that. So you must do pretty good with these white girls. I can see you're a very charismatic guy. Stylish. I just, I moved here with my fiance. Oh, and then I didn't have enough mushrooms to continue giving her and she left me. You didn't have enough mushrooms or something. I don't know

what it was, but how long were you engaged for? Since October, we've been together for like four years. Four years, engaged in October. When did she leave you? A month ago. When you moved here. Like a week after I moved here. She moved here with you. And she left you a week afterwards. Yeah. Why do you think that is?

Did she find an actual man? She might have a full black eye. Honestly, the man might have had a vagina. What? The man might have had a vagina. Is that true? Maybe, honestly, I'm being honest. Maybe. Yeah, she might have got back there when you say maybe what do you mean? Is there a fucking tell me do she won't tell me she just tells me she loves me all the time

She misses me every second of the day. She doesn't know what the fuck she's doing But she's still what do you say to her when she tells you that? At this point I just listen, but before I was trying to get her to come back, but I don't know I guess I got to cut her off or something. Yeah, don't listen anymore. It's for cut that off. I don't know why I can't. I hate sorry. Yeah.

You still love her. I do very much. Shame. Yeah. Shame. Shame. Shame. James Ackins, one of the best musicians in the world

with a very genuine damn dog. I don't like him that much. Genuine from the heart. He He literally his lips didn't even move It's just damn dog. That was incredibly literally became through you This is incredible when's the last time you talked to her Three days ago three days ago and how did that conversation go give us a little breakdown? Yeah, I called her at like three in the morning. Three in the morning.

Because you called her, she called you. I called her. I saw that. Had you been drinking? Yeah. OK. Were you doing any other things? Were you doing any other things?

A list of drugs or anything? I ate some mushrooms. You ate some mushrooms? And how many drinks do you think you had? I had like four shots of rum. Perfect. So you're buzzed this fuck, right? Yeah. 3 a.m. you call her, what do you say?

I come home. What the fuck are you doing? Where are you at? Hold on, put the mic up to your mouth. Yeah, I don't know. And you say what? I mean, I tried to start out cool. Like, I don't want to be too pushy because I

want her to make her own decisions. But I guess I just, I listened to her what she had to say, although I love using shit. And then I followed up with, OK, what the fuck are you doing? Come home. Right, right. OK. And then what did she say to that?

Fucking nothing. I don't know. I love you. I miss you. I don't know if this has anything to do with. So maybe she's just not there or something. I don't know. I love you. I miss you. I don't know if this hasn't even been due. She's 24. So maybe she's just not there or something. I don't really know. Eleanor Carigan. She's a Chwatt.

Let her go. Throw her over to Dame. See if he can't fuck it up. I know. I know. I got to. Oh, I hate her. I I know. I got to. Oh, I hate her. I'm sorry. I want to. Well, because you're sweet and you, you're trying. You really do. You do seem like a genuinely sweet man.

Have you been with another woman? Ben? Ben? Ben? Have you been with another girl since she broke up with you? I don't know if anybody, but it's like only chicks I match with on Tinder are fat chicks. Okay hold on.

That's not a fence. Hold on. I need you to put the mic right up to your mouth and project a little bit. You're very very very quiet. Yeah. Yeah so if you didn't hear that I'll thank you again. I need you to project. I'll do it.

I only match with fat chicks. And it's cool and everything but they do those fucking angles and I'm like there's a certain degree that I'll accept but then When they I they get to my place and I'm like this is too much like I can't Why do why do you what do you think about Philly horse? We got a whole group of Did you say what is a Philly so you only match with fat chicks? But that wasn't the question that I asked you Have you been with another woman since your girl broke up with you two two women and you take them back to your place I cook so I do I come over. I'll cook dinner for you. Okay, so you cook dinner and then what happens?

Fat chicks love dinner by the way, that's a very very smart move very move. When you get catfish, cook the catfish. You know what I mean? Incredible. Is that your thing? You think that because cooking is the first thing in your bio, that's why you're matching somebody's bio. It's just a working out for something. Yeah, exercising, no idea how to cook.

That's a very good point that you make. Right, yeah. No, I think I like cooking, sleeping with fat chicks. I like being in the small spoon at night. It's hard, it's hard. So these girls that you cook for, they were there a little bit on the bigger side, right? So then there you are, just attacking.

Yeah. Just just pumping those little fucking size 21 hips. Those suspenders are holding up everything underneath there, right? I can't really, I'm not supposed to answer too small. They really are. I don't think I've seen hips that small and forever. That's coming from me and my gaping asshole. So imagine, I mean, I know small hips when I see it.

Just one thing I want to mention. What is that? Or is that like that like a 28 26 what is that waist size really I don't think that's a 29 dude that's incredible that is a very small waist maybe this maybe this I don't know okay what do you do for work that's right what do you do for fun when you're not working? I do stuff. I'm a risk of sounding like Hans Kim. I do like drones Except for I build drones. I raced in professionally for a few years Yeah, it's a lot of fun very nerdy, but a lot of fun. It's like you put the goggles on and race them around FPD is not cool that could be another reason that women are attracted to me

It's not cool. That could be another reason that women are attracted to me. I like to see you. You come off Asian to them. They're like, we don't want that. It's a fortune. And to the Asian black guy. Yeah, the Asian woman, it's fuck. Because I can't come across Asian to them.

Right. That's what I want. Kind of do, though. Have you ever been with a Asian woman? No. Never not once. Never not once. But you have this fet fetish do you watch like Asian porn? I don't I don't want Asian porn, but I do have a fetish I guess

Is there an Asian woman in the audience tonight by any chance clap it? There's an Asian woman guy that cool Nation are you that's don't point them out? Somebody's a nation woman here. Everybody's pointing. is that a real Asian woman stand up Oh, that's a legit Asian woman Wow, that is a legit Asian is that your is that your boyfriend there Donald Trump Jr. Right there. Look at this fucking guy She went white what you guys think this Asian girl should give Lenny Kravitz his first Asian kiss, huh? So I'm such a spot. I'm just kidding. You don't have to do that

You don't have to do that. I think that chick almost I sorry almost cause a car accident the other day I love it Look man, I don't know. I can't remember what your set was like, but I don't think it was that good. Take a joke, Buck. That's the half-white. Oki-doki. There he goes everybody. Nico everybody.

All right. Okay, so like I said earlier, we have a Golden Tick-a-Winner has not been on the show for quite a while. Since being on the show, a lot has happened in his career. We're gonna hopefully find out a little bit more about that. Ladies and gentlemen,

your second Golden Tick-a-Winner of the night, back from Canada, makes some noise for Aaron Ballyel, everybody. What's up, motherfuckers? Daddy's home. Because I'm disabled and funny, people think they can ask me whatever stupid-ass questions they want. This guy on Facebook recently asked me how I masturbate. I didn't really know how to answer that question, how the fuck do you think? Well, you've seen those arcade claw machines right.

Don't look away you son of a bitch. You look me in the eye while I claw at my monkey. Some of you are wondering if I'm serious. No, you fucking idiot. I use my other hand. I've been thinking about starting my own porn website. I'm gonna call it Only Hands. Or rather, Only Clause. Tony Hinchclid is gonna be my first subscriber. There you go, Aaron Ballyel.

That is true. I will be your first subscriber. I'm going to watch you jerk off like a claw machine. Okay. Aaron, welcome back. You are a fucking star. You've been killing it off, riding the wave off of all of this Kultoni momentum that you built whatever, 10 months ago or whatever the hell.

And can we talk about the one thing that you did that you got? Kind of maybe. I talked about it with Howie Mandel a couple weeks ago. So I could probably talk about it. Me and my new friend Howie Mandel. That's one of my mother's ship friends. No big deal. Just hanging out with my heroes every night.

Everybody you guys know what that's like. Go ahead. Since I left my life has gone crazy. I have been headlining comedy clubs a year into comedy. I got on a CBC special, and I auditioned for America's Got Talent. That's all you're allowed to say at this point is that you auditioned. OK, yes.

He auditioned. Okay, yes. He auditioned. Totally nothing else happened. Breaking news. A-G-T is watching Killtony to find their people for comedy now. This is an actual fact. And unfortunately, it's a bad night of research for them here tonight. Sorry about that, America. You just got talent.

Turns out we don't have that much here. But Canada does. This is what we're finding out is that handicapped people from Canada are taking over the world right now. You and Jared and Nathan, both Canadians, both slightly disabled. And you guys are smashing. You guys are the two newest additions to the show, all the time, what's going on? What do you have something to say?

Uh-huh. The CBC special was all disabled people though. So the moral of the story is if you want to be on TV, go get a disability and be the best handicap of them all. That is true. That's the only way for a straight white male to get anything now. You have to be fucking fucked up. Yep. Hey Tony, I actually have a question for you. It's true that since I left, you've been giving all new comics at the mothership, anal probings. But since I left, you've been giving all new comics at the mothership, anal probings. Oki-doki, yawn.

Roast comic, Aaron Belyle. Give the guy the opportunity of a lifetime and just people just keep attacking my butthole for some reason. Really, not enough gay jokes about me on this show here tonight. And to show you how disappointed I am, I'm going to suck your fucking cock right now. Now, okay, Aaron, what else is going on in life? Tell us something else other than fucking another fucking gay joke on me. Jesus fucking Christ, okay. Really beating a gay horse on this one.

Son of a bitch. He's got something loaded up over there. I can already tell these about the fucking talk more shit. Yes, I've been giving everyone anal probings there. Press your fucking buttons, dude. Son of a bitch. All I've done for you. All right, well, my company had widespread layoffs recently,

and I am getting kicked out of my place. I kept my job, but I was very close to being unemployed, disabled, and living in my car. I'm so glad I didn't become Hans Kim. Cool. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think I don't want to be autistic too. Right. And what kind of card do you have? Hopefully it's not a stick shift. I always wondered that. Hyundai. Oh, okay. Happy Asian Heritage Month, everybody. I love it.

You have a high-end day. So what's the plan? Have we gotten any updates about a possible move to America? Anything breaking through? Are you allowed to not say right now? Canada is weird. They've like listened to podcasts and shit so that they can literally hold their own people back.

It is fucking crazy. I can't really talk about it. Yeah. That's what I thought. That's how fucked up Canada is, by the way. What a fucking pussy ass country that place is. Germain's me. I'm doing the Queen Elizabeth theater in Toronto, August 3rd.

Very few tickets left. It's a massive theater, but who cares? Just me doing stand up. And surprise. I'm going to come. And guess who's performing on that show in that theater? Aaron Baleil, everybody. Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Yeah. Yup. Eleanor, this is your first time seeing Aaron Crete. I love him. Is this what everybody's striking about in LA

with this AI ship? Yeah. I never saw it firsthand. This is fucking great. This is the guy. People are pissed at you, bro. This is the guy that does all the AI. I'm going to fucking kill myself.

Shut your fucking. Okay, AI jokes. I'll smash your fucking fingers. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. If you smash his- If you smash his fingers, you're also crushing his voice box at the same time. That is just a low blow. That's how you choke him out.

He touched him. Just put him in a Chinese finger trap. What? Happy Asian Heritage Month, everybody. The best kind of finger trap there is. I believe you. You're a wrestler, and I'm a cripple. Oh, yeah.

Not a fair fight. That is true. I love him. Eleanor famously was one of the top female professional wrestlers. Wow, I like that I made top. Yeah. Just because I was a top, not a bottom. Easy rider, wow, women of wrestling.

Is that what you're trying to find? Yeah, the top. W-O-W. Wow, women of wrestling. He's a big fan. That's what he jerks off to, isn't it? Just bank bank, you sick fuck Yeah The old fucking

You son of a kid Wait, was that me? Tony Wow, it's creepy It's creepy You're right, it is AI at this Here to him Alright, Aaron, anything else we should talk about

before letting you go? We've missed you. We're very excited. I'm excited to have you on my massive theater show. Everything's good. Look for him on this upcoming season of A GT. He definitely auditioned. Things went to perhaps better than just an audition.

But I guess we cannot say maybe, who knows, how he manned Elle made it seem like I could talk about it, but maybe I can't. There's probably some annoying executive producer that told you to keep your mouth shut, which is easy for you to do. He's like, hey, don't talk about this. Keep your thumbs in where I can see him.

Do you remember a few weeks ago? I told you my Airbnb host tried to kick me out and he showed up and looked at me and was like, oh God, I'm sorry, you can stay and he gave me half my money back. Right. Yeah. I'm staying with that same landlord this time and this time, he filled the apartment with snacks, $100 of dog food, and Gatorade

and offered me so much stuff. That man really doesn't want to get sued. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Take advantage of everything that you have. Okay. Aaron Bolile, I'm just kidding. He's already got all the jokes. So I'm not gonna throw a joke book at him. Make some noise for him, everybody. You're gonna like any of this. Wait, what? What'd you say?

You can't just hit the repeat button. I don't have a joke book. Really? Okay, you have to catch it, you're ready? Ha ha ha. There we go. Oh! Let's try again, let's try again, let's try again.

There you go, I like this. Alright, up here, Aaron, just let him hit the ground. Let him hit the ground. Alright, here's another one, Aaron, just stop fucking cleaning up after yourself. Oh shit. Alright, here we go. Okay, here we go, here we go. Here we go, we got it. Oh, here we go, here we go.

Here we go, we got it. Oh, okay, here we, air it up here. Up here, up here, up here. Hey! You got it, no take it. Oh yeah. Did we get that one back? Give us that jokebook back, you fucking shady thieves.

Jesus Christ! Oh my God! All right, you have to put some snacks in his Airbnb for that. Ladies and gentlemen, how long can this place get for Aaron Belial, everybody. All right, we pulled another name out of the bucket, make some noise for Ryan Shields, everybody. Your next comedian, final bucket pull of the night, perhaps, Ryan Shields. This is your last bucket pull of the night.

Ryan Shields, everyone. Woo! Awesome, let me hear you! You guys like the party? Yeah, I was at a huge party last week and I was at a wedding. My cousin married my aunt. It was a beautiful ceremony though. Grandpa was in the parking lot selling and it was a beautiful ceremony though grandpa was in the parking lot selling moonshine or he calls it fuck water

and He looked at us and said, are you with the bride or the groom? Both. So we sat in a circle. I take some liberties being a comedian though. See it's actually my dad's first cousin and my mom's sister. Yeah. So it's like East Texas weird. It's not like Louisiana weird.

All right, I got the kid and I'll stop there. Okay, dear. Here he is, okay. Ryan Shields, welcome. How long you been doing stand up? About seven years. Seven years, we're at San Antonio. Where do you, what do you do for work?

Stand up. What do you really do for work? Stand up. What do you really do for work? Stand up. How do you make money doing stand up comedy? One nighters. Where? How? Just all over the place. How do you sell tickets? It's places that's already booked. I'm just booked to go there. Who books you? Jeremy J dog road dog dog production, shout out. You make a living doing one that, how do you say?

I made a great living, but I do make a living doing it. Yeah. Okay, and you do that and only that. Yeah, and you survive. Yeah. How do you survive? What's your budget like? Oh, it's not easy. I said it works.

I'm married. So you're married the wife, the wife's the bread winner. said it works. I'm married. Got you. You're married, the wife, the wife's the bread winner. Yeah. And you're clearly the bread eater. Um, what does your wife do for work? She works at a dealership. A car dealership.

Yeah. Okay. She's a service person. So she's the one that talks you into getting a break job. You don't need. Absolutely. Absolutely. Okay.

So what do you do for fun? Tell us about it because you seem like an interesting guy. I feel like there's a lot underneath the surface here. You have a Chevy Silverado? No. 4F150. God damn it. So close.

Damn it, damn it, damn it. I'm a Texan. Okay. Alright. You do that Chevy shit around here. You make a lot, you make a most dear money in of your money in Oklahoma, and contributing to their economy. Oki-doki. Yeah.

Ryan, how long have you been with your wife? 20 years. 20 years. Do you have any secrets or tricks to keeping a relationship over 20 years happy? Stay on the road a lot. Yeah. Ah.

Okay. A lot of one-nighters. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Tell us more about your life. Give us something here. How are you? 43.

What? Yeah. Are you serious? You're 43? Okay, so tell us about all. Do I look 65 or 32? Yeah, yeah. So tell us about all the trauma

your first 40 years of being on planet Earth. What happened exactly? You look like you were perhaps molested by a transformer or something like that. Like some type of truck, some type of truck fucked you and you were a little kid. It was a Chevy, yeah. It was a Silverado.

Never again, never again. I've just been doing a lot of outside work most of my life. Okay. It's probably the sun. Right. And the extreme gray hairs. Okay. 43. Yeah.

You are four years older than me. Yeah. I'm six years older than you. Yeah. Red band is six years older than me. Yeah. I'm six years older than you. Yeah, Red Band is six years older than you. We're not doing math. OK. Ha ha ha ha. We need to fuck out of it, right?

Right. Right. I'm going to die in the back of a Chevy like I want it to. Sorry. OK, so how long of sets are you doing on the road when you're making a living doing stand-up comedy? I do an hour. You do an hour.

Okay. Anything crazy ever happened in any of these? I feel like you're doing some real roadhouse style like Hillbilly, Bunkin' Gigs. What's it like out there on the streets doing one-nighters in country towns? Well, the last one I did a joke about my brother fucking my cousin, crowd goes wild. Oh, wait for it. I was in Arkansas.

Yeah. And I'd never really gotten out, woo-woo from that joke before, but then I asked her, I was like, really? And she was like, second cousin. Yeah, serious this shit too. I was like, I was just joking. Hell yeah. Second cousin ain't bad, right? That's not bad.

Fucking right man. I mean, ain't your sister, but it ain't bad. It's not blood. I'm hard as a rock right now. I don't know what everybody else is freaking out about. Give us another fun fact about your life, Ryan, your entire life. What did your parents do? Oh, go ahead, you got a nice idea there.

Asian appreciation month, my wife, Japanese. You have a Japanese wife? Wow, that is incredible. My goodness, you've been with a Japanese woman for 20 years. Yeah, maybe that's what, you know, she looks young all the time, so she just sucks all the life out of me. I do that, yeah. Wow, that is incredible.

She cooks well. It's good though. I think that was a mean love you long time, Joe. I think so, yeah. I think so. That's right. Happy Asian Heritage Month. Yes, absolutely.

So where do you meet a Japanese girl in Texas? San Antonio. Really? Are they there? Is that where they are? What are they doing there? Her dad was in the military, so. Ah.

Yeah. That. Yeah. That makes sense. Which a lot of people assume I am because now I'm with her. And she works in car service. She just causes accidents and then they have to come and spend money at her business. She has had so many accidents. I know. It is.

I've said this before, it is the truest racial stereotype that exists, even Demandis is laughing about how bad Asian drivers are. He knows. He can't even say. And he knows. But yet, she's the worst front seat driver, or I guess, back seat driver, but she's always in the front, but she's always wants to tell me how to drive.

Oh, make a right, yeah. Yeah. Like maybe I should hit that park car instead of making a left. Yeah, that is incredible. I got it. I mean, it's just true. It can be uncomfortable. So where'd you meet this Japanese wife of yours?

Oh, wow. Oh, wow. Well, funny you should ask, Tony. I was in college at Tarleton. Her best friend went to college with me and she came up to visit and... Wow. You pounded it out right away, huh? Oh, yeah.

Okay. Missionary position or actually found out that night that girls can get pregnant while they're on their period. Oh! Yeah, like I was young. So I was like, go to the doctor and I was like, no, girls can't get pregnant when they're on their period. And doctors were like, yeah. What? Yeah, they can.

Does it make any sense at all? No, they can. It's good to be. It's either the beginning or the end. Or so there's like a part where they're like super, right? Yeah. Anybody know who gives a fuck. Yeah, there's a part where it's like a part where they're like super right anybody know who gives a fuck yeah there's a part where it's like super suit you can get like super pregnant yeah like undoubtedly pregnant did you just think of his sweet and sour sauce or something like that what was going on now she told me but I was too drunk to give a shit so I was like let's go oh

that's good okay you took her back to your place or her place. No, at the party. Oh, it was at the party. Like in a bathroom? No, in our friend's bedroom. Wow, you have period sex and your friend's pants. That's a fucking one. Wow.

With an audience. Really? Oh, my word, college. Don't oo. How many people were watching? It was like You've seen the three stooches right like when you see like one head popped down and one and then one oh Yeah, so they heard shit happening. So they just wanted to oh Right am there we were okay. Wow very very interesting

Very romantic story. Did you know they were watching? I mean, eventually, like not right away, but sometimes I can't believe this show is as successful as it is. What are we talking about? All right, there he goes. Ryan shields everybody. Take one of these, my friend. Real Handmade leather joke book

from the great Bones Eye, Adrian Cabazos, follow him on Instagram. And now ladies and gentlemen, it has come to that time. We've gone a little bit long tonight for good reason. We had so many regulars and golden ticket winners that we tried to even it out and get as many bucket pools as possible. But only now, in our final minutes, do we

realize the true power of this show? The man that you're about to see holds the record for all time appearances, all time new minutes, all time length of interviews, all time best sets. The boy is on fire, opening up all around the world. For me, on this massive theater tour, Duncan Trussel, Tom Sagarah, Joe Rogan, ladies and gentlemen, the prodigy, the man that we watched go from being a bloated alcoholic to one of the most cold-blooded assassins on planet Earth. I present to you the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Lights Out Montgomery. In an effort to support women, I recently bought a pack of M&Ms that featured only the female M&Ms, brown, purple, and green, but in a confusing twist, they all had nuts.

This is my impression of Dr. Sean Murphy, the autistic surgeon from the TV show The Good Doctor, ordering a burger from Wendy's. I am a doctor. I am a doctor ordering a burger from Wendy's. I am a doctor. I am a surgeon. I am a doctor. Have you all seen that show? It's fucking insane. I used to date a girl who said sex with me was Kafkaesque.

And I said, what do you mean? It's like powerful, illogical sort of this surreal bizarre experience and she said no It reminds her of when she used to bang Kafka Okay, that's my What's Kafka Kafka a philosopher? Okay, I thought that was gonna go a little better. You expect a lot of people to know about Kafka and the good doctor? That was amazing. How about, come on, William Montgomery every year.

Freak of nature, freak of nature, unbelievable, crushing everywhere all the time, strategic execution of murder, non-stop, William? How do you feel? I'm doing good tonight. I shouldn't have, but I got another tattoo, Tony. Oh, you did? Yeah, I got a Speedy Gonzalez. Next to my Tasmanian devil, I think I'm just going to end up filling my whole leg up with Looney Toon's characters and thinking maybe Foghorn, Leghorn, Nex. Wow, that is. Maybe Tweety Bird, then maybe Elmer Fud. And you're getting these where exactly on your leg?

So I would have to take my underwear off for this. I literally got it right below or right at the base of my penis It's here getting cartoon character wait what you said on your leg Is it on the base of your penis or your leg? No, it's on my leg where on your leg Can you point on your leg to where it is? It's like right here. Okay. It's really itchy right now Okay, and why are you getting cartoon characters on your thigh? Is this a pedophile thing? What's happening here? Oh, he's terrifying. Take a wild guest, though. No, no. Why are you doing that? I don't

know. I like to stand in the mirror when I naked and look at them and it puts a smile on my face So wow, that's what I've into See you have the Tasmanian devil and Speedy Gonzalez all right next year little porkey pig that you got there Tony saw we were in Danny a beach this past weekend Tony actually saw that we've been staying in the same Hotel room to just save a little money on the Thing and he walked in it was so awkward. He was in the bathroom, and I'm yelling at Tony I'm on the king size bed. I'm like, dude don't walk in. I'm naked

And Tony fucking just comes out of the fucking bathroom door real quick. It's all my time. Yeah room door real quick. It's all my time. Yep. Yep. We have been honest, very, very strict budget. We have been sharing hotel rooms lately. I just love saving money so much that we sleep in the same king bed. We do it at Willy Wonka style, 69 style.

Yeah, my feed or by your head, your feeder by my head. We've also been sharing dinners together, which I've enjoyed. Yeah. We actually feed each other. We cut like steak and I- Wait, hold on a second. Who said what?

What stupid little bitch-ass fucking voice said? What? Do you think I'm fucking around, bitch? There's some Philadelphia chicken heads out there. Hey, leave my people alone. Sorry, I got excited. Hey, are you doing Ellen Ornson? Look at you again.

Why would you touch me? I am. I am. I assume you're kidding with that stupid owner. Yeah, I do. How are you? I'm good. I'm good.

I miss you. I miss you too Funny one bitch He has this explosive energy. Oh boy, look at the eyes. Look at the vicious eyes, perhaps. I don't know, perhaps he's probably gonna start winking any second. We've seen this before. Whoa, there it is.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Oh my goodness. I'm just trying to get all the Hispanic people, let me. Mm. Yeah, raise your hand, bitch. Oh my goodness. I'm just trying to get all the Hispanic people. Let me. Yeah, raise your hand, bitch. Holy shit. Oh yeah, she's very Hispanic. Oh my goodness.

She actually has some glass cleaner in her hand right now. That's incredible. That is unbelievable. Okay. William, what else is going on? The sweet little doggator is doing well. I'm with her all the time. She's peeping and do-doing all on the carpet.

But luckily, her butthole is literally the smallest butthole I've ever seen. Well, she must be a very honest dog. Because what we found out tonight is that when you lie, your asshole expands. And I basically have a black hole for an asshole because I lie so much. Oki-doki. This dog, thank you, Red-Man.

This dog, where does it sleep? Does it sleep with you? Like I do and we're on the road together. Sleeping in the bed, yes. And today I was walking around and I started to step on her little body and she made a horrible squeal and I did my leg. Can you do an impression of the noise that she had? Oh my goodness.

Wow. Yeah, I looked down and it's her fucking ass and I almost killed her but I'm glad I did my weight Up off of her, but yeah, it was so she sounds like it right Anything else with the dog what else with the dog Lee not really I can't walk her outside She's afraid to walk around outside so I haven't been able to do that I put her out on her little harness and she refuses to walk.

She doesn't like walking. No. Not outside. Is, is, is, is was she trained by Redban? Yeah. Have you taken your pet to the vet yet? Like it's a small dog. It almost looks like you shouldn't have this dog.

It's so small. You did have it in an illegal time, I do believe it. It was like five weeks old or something when you got it right? I did, I drove 45 minutes away and the guy had an info war sticker on the bumper of the car and I walk in there and it's just all these dogs running around everywhere and these two little half Asian half white girls running around. I'm like where's your parents?

What's going on in here? It was literally I made the business transaction with like this 10-year-old half-white, half-Asian girl. Literally, it was the weirdest thing. Wow. To be half-white and half-Asian? Or is that... I'm just curious what was weird. Was it a rescue?

What do you think was weird about that? This is the main motherfucker. I mean, I seriously, it's like now I feel like the fucking set is tanking and you're really gonna fucking hit me with that. Fucking hit. No, seriously, what do you think sounds strange about me buying a $3,000 long-haired Chihuahua from a 10-year-old fucking girl? Nothing.

Trying to make up a story right now bitch! I thought it was crazy and I'll bitch! I'm feeling dizzy again after too. Yeah you should. What? You get a lot of exercise. What do you mean I should? You'll just get on those tippy toes. I like it. I mean yeah, it's gonna make My goodness stop calling the guest a William you have to be nice to the guy fucking sweating up here I was having a really good sweating right now I'm fucking sweating up here. I was having a really good sweating right now. Yeah, it is It is one of the It is one of the warmest evenings here at the mothership it appears as though

Resume AC issues earlier you ever have issues with your air. Yeah, who's running this fucking place It's been hot all evening. It's always a pleasure. Nothing goes better than comedy than heat. It's a famous old thing. Letterman used to tune up his studio to 100 degrees, right? I don't know. Can I ask him a question? Yeah, go ahead. Did you lose a lot of weight? I'm sorry, I haven't seen you in a while. I'm not being rude. I'm not fat, shamey or anything. But did you lose a lot of weight? I'm sorry, I haven't seen you in a while. I'm not being rude I'm not fat-shame me or anything, but did you lose a lot? Usually I don't even notice weight after I stopped drinking I forgot about that it was fucking it somehow been two years yesterday was two years Dranky did go and done cocaine which is great I would kind of like to be on it right no not really. It was a horrible nightmare

I think I was about to kill myself so it's good. I stopped doing it. It was horrible, depressing nightmare. So it's good. I've been able to stop. I did look. I still have the bag of cocaine though from the last night I decided to stop and I looked at it the other day. Where do you keep still a good amount? It's an attack pocket. You still have it. Still have it. If it's ever going to be the end of the world or I get diagnosed with something horrible, I know I'll have it. If it's ever gonna be the end of the world or I get diagnosed with something horrible, I know I'll have a good bag of cocaine without fentanyl and I'm excited about that. Excited about the future, Tony.

You've tested it. You've tested this non-fentanyl cocaine. I tested it two years ago last night. Okay, I was testing it then. It was a shit time. I had a lot. Yeah. But it's good. I feel totally much better.

But you did lose weight. Red, I'm not crazy. Correct. I've been doing the row machine a lot. I'm up to 6,000 meters at a time. I do it every other day. I love it. But it's been good. You love it. So you fill all of that energy that you used to spend drinking and doing cocaine with exercise and my drinking copious amounts of club soda

That's all I drink now. I swear to God. I've had five or six of the 24 ounce sparkling water already tonight He has an earnest habit. I can't stop when we're on the really can't when we're on the road when we're on the road doing you know two Shows a night he literally might have what would you guess, what would you guess? How many glasses, honest answer, how many glasses? Explain this. Well, I think that's 15. Very low. But it used to be vodka and sprite. I would drink that much of alcohol.

But now, so it's good, it's just a solo. I think it's more like 25 or 30 glasses. He sucks them down. They have to bring pictures of club soda for him. It's actually quite fucking shocking. How badly your spinal cord wants you to be drinking. But you forced it down. Do you think you're ever going to stop being sober? I don't think so because one of the main reasons I do drink all of that Tony and I again have been staying in the same hotel rooms and he especially likes it when I TT in the shower and I before he gets in it keeps the ground warm and I

have been yeah after 20 24 ounce soda waters there's a lot of TT in my little bladder down there and Tony can get in and it's really warm and it's kind of sparkling a little I think around I go oh so warm William thank you. Your TT made the crown war. He he he. Ha ha ha. Do you think you're ever going to stop team? I don't think I'm ever going to get stuck. TT. Oh no. Anything else, William?

Nope. That's it. OK, William Montgomery everybody! Eleanor Karrigan at the Sony Hall in New York City, June 16th and 17th. Listen to our new podcast, What's Up Doc with the Great Jeff Danis. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. He draws every single episode all the way from Los Angeles, California. Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose Austin security guard service, Gel Blaster and Screwball, Peanut Butter Whiskey, Gel Blaster and Scroobalp, peanut butter whiskey.

Gel Blaster, available in stores all around the world, Zippix toothpicks, the great bones eye for making the joke books. How about a hand for local artist Chris Rogers, ladies and gentlemen? Tonight, for the first time ever, he has drawn the great John Bees, the leader of the Austin Killtony band. A man amazing enough to have provided us with all of these fantastic musicians. Check out JohnDees.com, that's J-O-N-D-E-A-S.com. Truly one of the best musicians in the world on tour right now doing massive arenas, stadiums,

and huge theaters with the great Gary Clark Jr. If you've ever seen Gary Clark Jr. live, you've seen John D's. They literally have a synergy unmatched by most musicians. I've all one more time for the best stand band in the land, the Killtony band. James Hackens on the drums, Paul Deamer on the horns,

D-Madness on the bass guitar, John D's on the keys, and Matt Mewling on the electric guitar. Exclusive Killtony merch available on your way out for those of you on the podcast. Go to Killmerch.com for the new State of the Art merch. We're also streaming the 10-year anniversary at moment.co slash Killiltoni that's available all around the world a very high-power stream happening live from the ACL live theater June 10th at 8 p.m. and that is it Red Band. Check out my new comedy club it's right next store it's called the Sunset Strips Sunset Strips ATX.com love

you. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. You can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't leave me alone, you can't I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more.

I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play I can get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get a chance to get ... ... ... ... ...

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... Hey y'all, the new Kill merch store is up and running at a thousand miles an hour.

It is our official Killtony online shop, Killmurch.com t-shirts, hoodies, bonesie made real Texas leather joke books, Killtony hats, Killtony knit winter hats, beer couzis, bandanas, trucker hats, McVader made posters, some Ryan J. E. Belt art coming in soon. And Kiltoni stickers come with a lot of the purchases that you make. I personally love the Kiltoni NASCAR shirt, the Kiltoni hoodie with the established 2013 along the sleeve. Super cool stuff. We tested all of this out ourselves and and made sure that it's a very high quality. There's cool, a cool KT tag on it with a knife and the logo on

everything. Anyway, go to Killmurch.com. You know what to do. Support the show by some stuff. Look cool. Tell your friends. You know what's up. you you you