KILL TONY - #614 - DAVE ATTELL + JEFF ROSS

Episode Date: June 20, 2023

Dave Attell, Jeff Ross, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/29/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:FACTOR! – Head to FACTORMEALS.COM/KILLTONY50 and use code “killtony50” to get 50% off your first box.—BOX OF AWESOME! – From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. – Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code “KILLTONY” at checkout.—TALKSPACE! – As a listener of this podcast, you’ll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code TONY ​to ​get $100 off of your first month​ and show your support for the show. That’s TONY and talkspace.com.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Killtony. Check out our website, Death Squad.tv, that has every past episode of Killtony. You can also click on Torridates and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club and go to that website at sunsetstripatx.com. Come check out the show and say hi. Tony Hinchcliff has his own website, TonyHinchcliff.com. He's always on the road. He's going on tour.

Check out everything golden pony at TonyHinchcliff.com. Also, killmerch.com. That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers. Go to KillMurch.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony, next class! Are you guys ready to have the best fucking night of your life, Semaine or what? What?

Mixed noise for Redban everybody. Hey everybody. Yeah Nine years and three weeks we've been doing this show together This is the number one live podcast in the world Kill Tony sounds a little bit tinny. We can fix that How we feel and everybody you guys excited? Yeah? You're here brought to you by the Red Rose the Yellow Rose Austin security guard service Gel Blaster and screw ball peanut butter whiskey which presents the best damn band in the land everybody You've heard them for a few minutes here. That's the Killtony band the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums Paul Deamer on the horns right there

This is Matt Mjoling on the electric guitar. John D's the leader of the band on the keys. And this is the great de-madness right over my shoulder here on the basic guitar. An undeniable force of nature. And before we start tonight's show, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, all it's show. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all, it's official. It's announced. It's out there. My largest stand-up tour of my entire life. Oh, the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan,

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with talk space. When you go to talkspace.com slash Tony, to match with the license therapist today, go to talkspace.com slash Tony to get $100 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's talkspace.com slash Tony You guys ready to start tonight's episode You guys can do better you ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Ladies and gentlemen, this is so special to me because this guy changed my fucking life well over a decade ago. I knew that I had the ability, an uncanny ability to write roast jokes, and this guy and I worked together to make so many unbelievable things happen. One of my best friends, one of the greatest mentors I've ever had in my life, and one of the greatest guests in Killtony history. Let's show him some love. Austin, Texas,

make some fucking noise, people! It is! Woo! It is true! I'm having a heart attack. That was a lot of energy. That was so overwhelming to have such an ice welcome in Austin here at the Mother Ship. Kill Tony, this is amazing. Thank you.

We're gonna have so much goddamn fun. I hope there's good, your sponsor is your security. One of our sponsors is the Austin Security Guard Service, which by the way is the best security guard service in the world. You hope so. It sounds like a fucking long-term hit job to me. These guys, the show is called Kill Tony. There's one on my right there. Look at this guy.

You want to fuck with that guy? Yeah. That's got a beard. He doesn't even know how to smile. Look at him. I just did gang signs. All right. He looks like special ed forces. Well, I do believe it's his first night on the job here, too.

So welcome. Wine, too. Let's get to it, Tony. This looks fucking fun. I love coming here. I love Tony Pickney. Yoni picked me up at the airport. Tony has like his whole like fucking crew now.

Yeah, I know. And a production team. And I wanted to come down for Rose Battle last night, which was fucking amazing. Comics flew in from all over the country to Rose Battle each other last night. And I was one of the judges. And I was like, I told Tony I was coming down. He said, come down, stick around and be on Kill Tony with me.

And it's almost his 10th year anniversary, so I couldn't resist checking in. It's amazing. This guy and I, he got me in the writer's room on all the rows and I used to leave. Everyone would work, you know, it's kind of like an 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. job for a few weeks.

And I was the only one that would leave every Monday at like seven. Everybody was like kind of like, what the fuck's this guy doing? Everybody wanted to go home, but I was leaving to go do a dinky little show in the belly room of the comedy store. And now here we are. So very exciting. Jeff, you've been against multiple times. You know how it works. This bucket is absolutely filled with names. Look at that. It's absolutely, ridiculously incredible.

Over 200 people signed up. They're all stopped on top of the list. I saw them outside in the alley. Yeah, it is a debacle out there. I thought it was a refugee camp. It's only said that's my people. They're all trying to get on the show. Yeah, it's wild out there People are making hamburgers on makeshift grills. They're fighting. They're making friends

Everything's happening sounds like a like your sports team like they're what do they call it? Tailgating they're tailgating. I don't know, I smoked some of your weed too, Tony. Yeah, Tony has this ritual, like he picks me up, takes me to yoga, right? So no one has ever gotten a yoga in a quart vet before, right? Yeah. Stone to the gills. We pass a mural of Tony, like, right?

Everywhere I go, Tony, Tony, Tony, Tony, I thought fucking, I was meeting the band, Tony, Tony, Tony, I thought fucking I was meeting the band, Tony, Tony, Tony. Everybody knows Tony, right? It's crazy. And then, uh, and then, uh, it stakes the other night too. We had staked by, I took the leftovers. It's probably still in the trunk of your Corvette.

I ate them. I ate everything that night. All those sides, the agron potatoes and the crap fried rice. And then Tony, he's doing so well just for the fuck of it. Last night he lit a homeless guy on fire. Yeah. One of my favorite things is fucking town. One of my favorite things to do.

True. If I can't roast him one way, I'll roast him the other. You know what I mean? So if I pull a name out of the bucket, a comedian gets 60 seconds to do uninterrupted stage time. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger West Tollywood Bear.

And then I interview them. The entire thing is improvised. Nothing is planned. Anything can happen. We all meet the person together and I try to get as much information about their lives as we possibly can. And to see if maybe there's something else interesting about them that they don't know is as interesting as it is. You guys ready to start this fucking show or what? Here we go!

Got a true late start time here so we'll keep that in mind. We'll run long. I've pulled the name. That's going to go that way. And when this guy's done, we're going to go to that person. Ladies and gentlemen, starting tonight's show is one of our regulars of very, very coveted position in the industry of stand-up comedy, where these people have to write and perform a brand new 60 seconds every single week. It is not easy. This guy, we've seen heights, we've seen loads,

we've seen extreme drug use, women, partying. The guy used to be homeless. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. Give me that, Bill. Give me that, Bill. Give me that, Bill. Give me that, Bill. Give me that, Bill. Give me that, Bill. Give me that, Bill. Give me that, Bill. Thank you.

I think it's kind of fucked up that girls will get mad at you if you try to have sex with them after they do their hair and makeup and put on a nice outfit. Because that's when they're the hottest. Like I can't fuck you when they're the hottest. Like, I can't fuck you when you're the hottest. I have to wait till you come home tired, wipe off your makeup, put on an old t-shirt. That's when Hans gets his turn. These bitches, they love cuddling

The less circulation there is in my arm the more love they feel If I'm ever in a UFC fight, I'm just gonna lay on the dudes arm for 15 minutes And tell them about my day I love the ladies. I think it's sad that sometimes I have erectile dysfunction during sex, like this guy. It's very hard, but it does make going through TSA a lot easier. Do your worst boys. How can I feel you violating me when I can barely feel the love of a woman? Alright, thank you! Alright, Hans Kim.

So wait, you have a reptile dysfunction? Uh, yes. Is that true? I just sometimes don't get as hard as I want to get out. What does that mean exactly? You can get hard, but just not as hard as you like? Yeah, and it's not as quick. There's a lot of like you know manual labor. Oh Yeah, I think you have to say manual labor after doing that and you've already painted the picture completely that the cocaine

I mean that's one of the things with cocaine. That's what I've been blaming it on recently. So you're back on cocaine. No But she doesn't know that. Oh, I see. OK, so sex with them after they get ready. That's an interesting premise. Is that a thing that you actually do? I do try to do that a lot. But what we've found out about you in the past

is that you're just trying to have sex with your girlfriend literally all the time. Is this still the case? No, she brings a lot of her friends over and so I can't fuck her when her friends are there. That's true. You cannot fuck her in front of her friends. I'm glad that you figure that out.

My sweet, sweet haunts. So you just buy your time and then what happens? And then I'm like, hey, do you want to take a nap real quick? Ah, the old Korean nap. We know about this. Yes, indeed. Okay. So then what happens?

So you go to your bed, you then what happens, huns? And then I'm like, I could give you a massage, and then I give her a massage. Ah, Korean massage. Everybody, you can't even make it up. What else do you do? Math problems? Come on. I love it. What else is going on in life, Hanz?

I recently went to Zulker Park and invited a bunch of comedians. We did karaoke at Barton Springs. Ah, what'd you sing? Hey there, Delilah. Okay, can you give us a little example of what that sounds? Yeah, it's like you guys have that. You guys know that one, one, two, three, four. Hey there Delilah, what's it like in New York City? I'm a thousand miles away, but girl, tonight you look so pretty, yes you do. Times Square can't shine as bright as you. I swear it's true Hans Kim everybody unbelievable. That was actually impressive. Absolutely adorable

Adorable Massages and karaoke folks you can't make it up that was so unexpected and beautiful it that's what happens that we're that is just our first Comedian of the night. This is like a love fest All night long baby. We're not like Hans. We're gonna stay hard all night am I right? Your first comedian straight out of the bucket ladies and gentlemen goes by the name of Lucas Goots, everyone. The Killtony debut, I do believe, of Lucas Goots. It's a Lucas, everyone. So my best friend, Jerry, just got a job at the morgue. Shout to that guy. He knows where he is. He knows he's not here. He can't get tickets. Anyways, um,

he got job at the morgue of all places. Like, Jerry, that's spooky. That's where ghost hang out, right? And he's like, you never believe how I got this job. He said, I only got this job because the old guy, he got caught eating the booty of one of the dead cadavers. Ooh, kind of spooky right in the boot, dead cadavers. I was like, Jerry, that's disgusting. You can't be serious. He's like, yeah, dead ass.

Thank you. So I have a girlfriend. Furthest joke. Yeah, I like her a lot. She's getting fat. She started to look a lot like Mike Wazowski. You guys know Mike Wazowski Monster, you know, the tits, the guts and the ass roll, the same to come to your body, given a circular build.

And he liked it. All right, fuck yeah. She cheats on me though, but that's okay. There is good news though. She is pregnant. I'm probably gonna be a thank you. I can fight for that. Probably gonna be a dad. Stistically likely. A stepdad. We're gonna have the gender real party on Sunday. Then a little bit later we'll have the race reveal party. I don't know about you guys, but I like to treat it like roulette my money's on black Thank you. There you go Lucas. Goots everybody. Am I saying that right? Goots?

Yes, sir. It is Goots on part Jewish in German, but the German part my family dominated Jewish part, so I have a weird name. Thank you What the fuck? Okay. Jeffrey Ross, I'm going to start with you. I want to know what you think about this. That felt like two minutes. It did. Like I don't know if I missed a cat in there somewhere or that was an eternity, but... Yeah.

German and Jewish. My guess is he's always having an internal battle, you know? Exactly. Well, throw yourself in the oven after that performance. Yeah. No, come on. Thank you. You need to let some of those kidding.

I'm kidding. Bake a little longer. I really enjoyed Freddie Mercury poisoning. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Oh, he looks like if one of the characters from Friends' Dide of AIDS. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I feel bad for making fun of you. I feel bad for making. Aren't you Jewish too? Yeah. Wait. Why did you say? But when I'm with Tony, I don't like Jews.

That's true. When I'm on my own, I like Jews. But when I'm here with Tony, look, I'm wearing my Yeezy. Yeah. That's hilarious. Abs of fucking lootly. So Lucas Goots, let's talk about it. That was a lot of setups, little pay-offs at the end, but you got him.

You got him, you talk really fucking fast. Is that something you've always done? Only when I'm nervous. Only when I'm nervous. Do you hear that? You don't even know you do it. Do you? Only when I'm nervous? Okay, Lucas, let's talk about it. How long you been on stand-up comedy? A little over two years now. Where are you from? Originally Brian Calciation area. What?

It's where the Aggies are. TechSaid in University, they made some noise in the back then. OK, thank you. You don't have to say they made noise. They just make noise, and then you were talking. What do you do for work? I used to work for a legal insurance company, but I quit that to work at HEB.

So the answer is HEB. Much like your setups, you could really trim the fat on some of these answers. It's incredible. What do you do at HEB, the greatest grocery store ever known to human existence? Thank you. Fuck with fruits and vegetables. Oh, I bet you do. We're going to have, we have both coming up later in the show,

so it's very exciting. I love it. Fruits and vegetables. So you're in the produce section full time. Yes sir. Stock in the canty loaps. Canty, I know, I love calling them that for some reason. I don't know.

Okay, so Lucas, tell us something, what you do about your personal life. Give us some information. What else other than stand-up comedy? What makes you Lucas Goots? Ooh, I like to go diving in the river sometimes. Okay, all right. You're talking about perhaps down by Rainey Street

after a night of drinking? Oh, man. No. Little something for the locals out there, you know what I mean? No, nothing there but crabs. Good one, Lucas. Good one, Lucas. Son of a bitch.

OK, when you're not diving in rivers, what else? Basketball. OK, what's your love life like? Get nervous around girls. You're like, how you doing? Nice to meet you. I want to go out. What are we doing? So what's your name? What do you do? What do you think? It's right here. You're looking at it. It's my right hand. Oh, that's disgusting. Oh my god. That is unbelievable. What's the last, when's the last time you've been romantic with a woman? A couple of weeks ago. Okay, that's not bad time you've been romantic with a woman? A couple weeks ago.

Okay, that's not bad. Would you do jerk off on her? You're like, look, I want to hook up with you, but I'm in a full-time relationship. No, that lasted a little while and just came in. Where'd you meet the girl two weeks ago? Wait, wait, what? Who you are? No, he's, he doesn't like, no, we don what? Who you are? No, he's...

He doesn't like... No, no, we don't think you should repeat it. Lucas, where'd you meet this girl two weeks ago? Oh, she was a chucklefucker. Okay, and she chose you, huh? Oh, yeah, yeah. I thought you had to get the chuckles in order to... Get the fuckles. I slowed down a little bit when I'm drunk,

but yeah, I didn't have that opportunity. From the setup to the bed up, you know, and I'm in. Yes, sir. Wow, incredible. So how does that go for you? You seem like a premature ejaculator. Only on days in Indian Y. Wow, I hate you, Lucas. Like, there's a young body with jokes of like a grandfather.

Incredible. Lucas, any other fun facts about you that you think sets you apart from everybody else, any other lifetime accomplishments, any fun facts, any deformities or anything like that? Nothing really. I was going to do a penis stroke but now we see your sense of humor. It's really, really okay. By the way, you are standing there like you're about to belt out a fucking song. I don't know. It worked for the for Hans. I don't know what it worked for. I don't know what it worked for. It's not gonna work for him. Here's a little joke book though. Catch.

There you go. Lucas Geuts everybody. Thank you. Yeah, nice to meet you. Thank you, Ben. Yeah. Bones Eye makes these joke books. This one says, stop with a hand. These little Tony's joke books.

Oh wow, David Teller, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen Yeah, yeah, kill Tony on a Monday night Dave at tell is here. I hope you don't mind. I told him to just walk out when he got here Yeah, Tony. I was at the old location. I apologize Tony, I was at the old location. I apologize. I was at the old location. I apologize. I apologize.

I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize.

I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize.

I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. I apologize. What happened, Jeff? What's happened? Like you're dressed for today and tomorrow. They are pulling shit. Fuck, where's that Lucas when I need him? Great to see you. What a nice surprise that you're in Austin. This is fantastic. Now, I don't know what an episode of Succession this was, but you know, you guys are really laying down the lot of these young comics and I like to see it and this crowd is here to play am I right are they really are nice die hard

comedy fans you're looking good what happened to you but are you good yeah now I'm good he took but he he took but a class today. He stood on his head and now he's red. That's what happens. That's true. I thought there was a TikTok challenge to stay in a pizza oven or something. You know what I love about a new club? Adjusting the audio.

Thanks for bringing me up. All right, here we go. Now, it just sounded good. You sound good. How do I look? You didn't say anything about it. You've been very busy in the Ukraine lately, but, you know, we have missiles. No, come on.

Give it up for Vladimir Gluten. Now, we go, everybody. These are our classic jokes. That's good, Dave. You still buying your clothes at AutoZone? Thank you. You can do better. Let's good Dave. You still buying your clothes at AutoZone? Thank you. You can do better. Let's hear it.

Wow, this is a fucking tough day, as if I've ever seen one. Dave looks like he's here to fix the bathroom. If you can find it, now... This is definitely a hall of mirrors. This is great, man. I was just... I was just... I was just...

How was feet? Oh, it's hot. It's hot, hot. Yes. Yeah, even the dogs wear shoes But um I saw fake tits. I was in Phoenix. I saw fake tits melt in the heat. Oh They have to water the roll people there. They do Well, I don't know what's happening here is this like a comedy show show or a legal drag brunch? What's happening? It's a little bit about, by the way, bumping mics with Jeff Ross and David Tell is on Netflix and they're in Santa Enise, June 23rd. That casino right to Chumash. We're doing a show there. I love it. I love it. Well, what else Tony? Where else? I'll be at the Wilbur.

That's right. Jeff Ross is in Portland, August 4th and 5th Detroit, September 29th and the Wilbur theater shows added in Boston on September 30th. So Catch the Rosemasked on the right. I'm going to stand up comedy. Wait Jeff, where you going Detroit? Where? And the almost celebrity showroom. Oh my god. So much fun. So much fun. You're talking about dying fine steam. You know, you have to deserve better. I got so much fun. So much fun. I'm looking at your tour of dying fine, Steen.

You know, you have to deserve better. I love dying fine, Steen. And I love beat on the road. I love it. It's the best crowds in the world right now. Here is amazing, but people, I think the pandemic made people miss comedy live shows. Yeah, no doubt about it.

Speaking of which, we're at one right now. And I pulled a name out of the bucket. This guy gets 60 seconds uninterrupted. And then we talked to him afterwards. You've been on the show multiple time. Steve. We're honored to have you. How about one more time for the great David Tellt? One of the best in the mother of fucking world right now on this stage. That fine scene thing was too much. I'll pull back. What's that? And save it for our casino gig. And I pulled a name out 60 seconds uninterrupted. Ladies and gentlemen, right now, making his Killtony debut,

anything can happen out of the bucket, makes some noise for Jackson Leon, everybody. Yeah, here we go. Jackson Leon. Here he is. Great to see you, buddy. What's up? So, I just moved down here to Austin a couple days ago and I kind of got to tell you about what I saw on 6th Street.

You might be used to it. This shit's crazy to me. I saw this lady. She's just standing around like literally a cross street from here. She was bent over. I don't know if she was cracked out or what. And she had no pants on at all. And that's not the crazy shit that I'm about to tell you. The crazy shit is that she had her gut, it was hanging down real low, like about three inches below her pussy. I only got a quick glance at this, maybe I got it wrong.

I don't know what the picture you have in your head is and I'm sorry that I had to paint that, but it's different than what you have, because you might be thinking like a really large woman. It's like, I don't know if you've ever seen somebody's gut who's had liposuction, but it was like just skin, hanging down, a good two inches below there. I, I don't know, I can do it there for fuck a minute. I just went and touched it.

You're on a roll, don't leave this hanging, what happened Jackson? What happened? What happened? Jackson, I'm half a different fucking minute. I just want to imagine. You're on a roll, don't leave us hanging. What happened, Jackson? What happened? What happened? Jackson, I'm half-hawared. Finish the story. One minute, almost uninterrupted for Jackson Lee on everybody.

Makes some noise for Jackson everyone. What's up, Tony? Jackson, those are like therapy. I should have to... That material is better in front of a tire fire. That's real hobo shit. I thought that was a police report. better in front of a tire fire. That's real hobo shit. I thought that was a police report.

I didn't know it. Yeah. Jackson, you're literally talking about something that everybody sees all the time, including outside on their way here. And you use that for your minute, making fun of a fat person. Are you aware that you are fat?

No, no, no. She wasn't fat. Why is it fat? She looked like she had like a liposuction stomach, like just skin, floppin' down. What do you think she would say about She looked like she had like a liposuction stomach like just skin Flaps and down. What do you think she would say about you if she had a minute right now? What do you think she would say she saw? I? Don't know probably I saw a kid wearing a South Park shirt while looking like a character from South Park

Whoa, that's what I think So let's talk about a Jackson absolutely zero punch lines in 59 seconds I don't know if you ever done stand-up comedy before? This is probably my seventh or eighth time. Okay, is it something that you take seriously? Well I did it fucking around when I was driving in DC and then I did a couple times in Pittsburgh and I live up in Duluth, Minnesota. So what do you eat? Well, what is the name of your food truck?

I mean, really? I've worked all of them. This guy's been all over. What do you do for work? I've done tons of shit. I used to drive- What do you do now? Right now, I have money saved up and I'm just going to look for a job in a couple of

weeks. How much money do you have saved up and I'm just gonna look for a job in a couple of weeks. How much money do you have saved up on us? Wow. It's one of my favorite questions to ask on the show. Um, can I guess? Yeah. I'm just looking at you. I'm gonna guess that you're nest egg right now and be honest with me.

I'll give you $4,200. That's over. That's over? No, it's more. It's more? It's more? Okay, it's more. He looks more? He looks more? Okay, you guys want to take a guess? We could do this price as right style.

After the show we're going to hang out, I know this woman who's hanging down with her lip suction. She'll fuck a guy like you. Thank you. So how much do you have saved up? At the moment, it's probably about 7,000, I'm getting 2,000 so- Holy shit. What happened? What happened? It's probably about 7,000. I'm getting 2,000 so holy shit what happened

Did that come out of you Jeff what was that? It's a trumpet behind you All right all right Jackson is a broken ankle away from bankruptcy right now. This is very exciting Dave's tired. He was spent the whole day trying to download bankruptcy right now. This is very exciting. Dave's tired. He was spent the whole day trying to download Uber on his phone. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha prison camp. Ha ha ha. Nice one. So Jack, he's a good guy.

Jack's, and you've done stand-up seven or eight times. Tell us, what do you do for fun? Like, what is your, what do you do? I really just like to, I like to travel and try to meet new people, see fun shit. Just go to city, see what's going on. That's why I moved on here. Can you give us an example of one of the highlights

of these endeavors of yours as a recent, like something that you did? Um, well, I was in DC and I, so as I, yeah. I was a guy going up to step, so I think I saw you go in the other way. This was, I'm sorry. Sorry, son, go ahead, where were you saying? This is serious, Tony has to pick the next unpaid intern. Go ahead.

Can you wash a lotus? This guy looks like he stormed the Capitol Grill. Hey, you're fucking holy shit, what happened? These are some great ones. Jackson don't take it so personally for God's sake. See we're in you were you were in DC and then what? Yeah kind of fucking others more of a bit than a story What's up? Well, it's just something interesting. I was in DC and I want to get some weed because I'm high as fuck right now

Yeah, and um when you're in the best weed. Holocaust Museum. Honestly. I mean, it's so good you will not remember. I mean, I'm sorry. Yeah. Never forget, never forget. I'm trying to collect it with a little bit of trash.

It's great. Yeah. This guy, alright never. great, it's great. Fucking great, seven times up there dude, you're killing it, you're doing good. But don't go dirty right away, walk everyone into it, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, I've never said any of this on stage, this was yesterday. It's great. I just, I'd not just say it. Let me, let me ask you something, she'd just be spray- spray painted on a wall, you know what I'm saying? I mean

Let me ask you this you've done it seven or eight times tonight You talked about something that you saw yesterday. Yeah, can you give us an example of one quick joke that you did one of the Seven or eight other sets that you've done so that we have any idea what you're capable of whatsoever? Yeah, okay, so I was talking about DC. It was in DC trying to buy weed. The weird thing there is so you can, you can own weed. You can smoke weed, but you can't buy weed. So what you do is you go and you buy like a shirt or a fucking piece of art and they give you some weed.

And they call that a gift. Yeah. That's not what a gift is. I know that's not what a gift is. Because I didn't see a single fucking prostitute on the corner with a t-shirt rack selling fucking blow jobs Wow, I would have paid a thousand dollars for that shirt. I don't even need the goddamn blow job. I'll just regift that Okay, how about like a show perhaps like something that like

That was pretty good standards are higher here than northern Minnesota Jackson. I was good a yelp review Jackson you have your own style. It's definitely different. It's definitely different. Congratulations. Here's a little joke book from the great Bones Eye. Can you catch it? Ready?

Here we go. Wow. Good job. There he goes, everybody. Jackson, Leon. Good one, Jackson. All right. Jackson, good buddy.

That was good. Now, this is an exciting moment, ladies and gentlemen gentlemen because we do have one of our golden ticket winners in town everybody This young man is a freak of nature This is one of the guys that's coming for everybody's jobs one of the young superstars of the mothership Just moved to Austin, Texas. This guy unlike many of the others that you've seen recently This guy got his golden ticket five years ago at the age of 21 and one of his first appearances ever You're about to watch the force of nature ladies and gentlemen makes the noise her in reek a chacon. Yeah Yeah, yeah, what's up on the fuck is I

Was in a room full of people kind of like right now recording a live show and at the end Yo, yo, yo, what's up, motherfuckers? I was in a room full of people kind of like right now recording a live show, and at the end of it, somebody told me I love that I look like the gang leader of the woman's prison. Hey, I fuck you up with laughing, bro, it's like I'm feeling fun. Man, they're not wrong, I really do look like the gang leader of the woman's prison, man. I remember the first time I walked into a lesbian bar, though! I'm not gonna lie, man, I was breaking hearts of 50-spins! I even though it was the lesbian bar, at first, but I thought it was just my nightmare, I was walking around!

With my boys like, yo, these plaster bitches are filling me door! So yeah, man, it was all fun and game, so two actually went into the I was walking around with my boys like yo these plaster bitches are filling me door. So yeah man, it was all fun and game. So two actually went into the restroom and the last meal that was hitting on me a night trying to figure back me bro. And I don't know how to say this for these off-a-strait white bills man, but I think she hit my jeez, my son.

Because she went past my football the way down to my tent and I started back three recent right there in there, bro! Walking around like my iPhone got iOS something, dude! So yeah, man, I got my lesson by this lesbian, and it was the best day of my life! Thank you!

And reek a check-acon! Ladies and gentlemen, A minute filled with laughter and energy. The great Enrique Chacon, comedian, Bucky's employee. Bucky's employee, baby. Bucky's is the greatest gas station known to man. You've never been in a Bucky's? Oh, you're in for a treat.

Dave, you know about Bucky's right? You about buckies right there first of all I'm gonna say Sorry it wow I Didn't mean I'm sorry under under a pseudonym, so don't try to go to his room Now this is the next level of the competition, correct? Because this person is a pro all the way through. Appreciate you, man. A pro. Thank you, though.

Honestly. Get a test. Yeah. Now. Thank you, brother. He's a regular. He got like a special golden ticket to come on without having ramps.

Thanks, man. I get it. Thanks. No, please, yeah, please. What, honey, what? You asked the question. I don't know what this is. You said it was going to blown away. I was really impressed.

All right. So Enrique, tell Dave and Jeff some stuff about your life. Tell these guys. They're seeing you for the first time. Oh, yeah, so I'm working at Bucky's Men. I wear the mascot suits sometimes, man. Fuck, yeah. I haven't lost the pound, bro.

I've pissed off about that shit, dude. They said I was going to lose weight, man. And I recently chipped my tooth, bro. And I was trying to put a worksman's claim right, but then we're going to drug test me. So I was like, no, I'm good dude. I'm good. I feel better already bro, fuck this shit. I was not trying to fucking fuck my money up, man.

Fuck. Good stuff, right? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, really, rip right from the streets. So in Rige originally from Houston, Texas, found you five years ago, You're 26 now. I'm 26 now, yeah Right, and you just moved to Austin. What's your living situation like man? I live in a seven acre property Brought so we're from a town home living to country living, bro

Nobody told me about all these fucking bugs dude There's to rancher listen Texas broad never fucking heard of that shit bro We call them migrants now Step it up every gay if you want to be the next mayor step it up Dave that one got an under the table bump. Yes, I hit something hard. I know that. Yeah. Sabin for Tumashkoshino, Drew. Nice pluck. That is June 23rd in Santa in Niz. This in reggae is great.

Yeah. I'm gonna throw it down right now. Do you want to do a guest spot on my show tomorrow? Fuck it! Oh! Let's go! Yes! Oh!

Indeed, Dave Atel doing sold out shows in the Fat Man tomorrow and the next night, and you are on those shows. Fuck yeah. Or at least tomorrow show, yeah. And then afterwards, it makes work and that buggy's worth it, bro. Aren't you gonna return the favor favor invite me to a dog fight Hospitality is this Tony Enrique Chacon you fucking did it again you're proving exactly your strength in your promise It's unbelievable. There he goes ined out ladies and gentlemen follow me on a reek it comedy. I'm a good night

That's the future right there. That's what it looks like when he went a reeky tomorrow. I've definitely come by That's so nice, Dave. Yeah, you know, he kind of looks like Wednesday fucked Thursday, and I like that And he sounds like an old black lady I like it fluffy'suffy's fluffer. He was great. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're going to meet him all together. Not easy to follow and reek at Chacon, but ladies and gentlemen, he was the Killtony

debut of Logan Far, everyone. Logan. Logan Far. That's a Logan game. 60 seconds uninterrupted. To Logan Far. What's up, guys? Logan. Logan bar 60 seconds uninterrupted to Logan bar What's up guys? Oh y'all are noticing some shit about me

Do you know how fucked up it is to be a veteran missing both your legs and not have lost them in war? I got hit by a train on my 21st birthday. Yeah, I tell you guys that as a PSA. Please be very, very specific with your birthday wishes. That is not the train I wanted to be a part of. Nice. Nice. Whoa, good one.

I'm loving it. I'm loving it. I'm loving it. Oh, shut up, I said something. My bad. I did get my second win, Stout. I'm black from the waist down. Yeah. That's a great one.

I'm fucked up, though. Because I got to ask a lot of ignorant questions like Logan, why did you pick the black legs? Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. It's because they're faster. Pfft.

Pfft. Nice one. Logan. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kiltzone debut of Logan Far, absolutely incredible, my friend. Wow, I know this guy. Give him a hand. Logan. Come on, give him two legs as well.

Let's go, come on. This is incredible. Absolutely. So you got run over by a train and looking you now, now you're on the right track. I know this guy, I know this guy, by the way. Were you the conductor? How do you know him? From Rose Battle, he went on, he's done Rose Battle on the Belly Room in LA and Rose

Battle last night, he did an amazing fucking epic battle in international tournament and Logan you're you're fucking amazing you killed last night you killed tonight so cool that you're on this leg of the tour absolutely incredible so explain to us how this goes down can you paint a picture you're it's your 21st birthday you said so it's the day I got home from my deployment. My sergeant took me off my 25th birthday. You've got to be fucking kidding me. Wow.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. And we went out and the city planner decided to put a rail yard next to all the bars. And then the bars on one side of the street close at two. The ones on the other side close at three. You guys are hanging out late now. You guys are like, let's do some rails. Yeah.

I chose the third one. Yeah. Can I look at, impress the all the way through, but can I give you some advice to the next birthday, two words, ready? Dave and Busters. All right, yeah. Stay out of the train, y'all. That's for the professional, all right?

Little homo wisdom. I want to get back to this though. It's your birthday. Now it's 2, 3 a.m. Then what happens? So I started inviting a lot of people to our party. We're having fun. There's supposed to be a house party. We've got a bunch of ubers to leave. And my group was supposed to have a sober guy. He stayed. He got drunk. We all split up in the different ubers.

And each uber thought I was in a different uber. I got left behind. And they went to something else, and then I went to the train tracks. Wow. So you went to the train. Oh, that is inappropriate. I don't remember. These are the things I'm told afterwards. I don't remember going out.

You were drunk. Oh, yeah. When they found me after I got hit, I had a 0.36 alcohol leftover after we've now. Oh my god. Much like it. Much like your legs, you were blacked out. Oh, you didn't do that.

Oh, yeah. Incredible. When you do that joke, you should say, because they're faster and they match my dick. Now, do you think you would get more action with the ladies if you said it was a shark attack? Probably. I think so. Just get sad. Yeah. Not everyone's into public transportation. You know what I'm saying? I mean, read the audience. Autistically. Read the audience. So absolutely incredible. You're on the tracks.

You didn't even notice a train. You had no idea what happened. You wake up the next day in a hospital and you don't have your legs. Yeah. Okay. Incredible. When I am 62 now, so there is that. Well, that's good.

What were you before? 5'11. Wow. Wow, hey, give it up. That's pretty good. What's that like? What's the like getting taller? It's the shit.

You're riding the gravy train, my friend. This is incredible. So what else about your life? What do you do for work? I coach you Jitsu. I travel for that. Jitsu? Yeah. He's not fair.

Good luck with that ankle lock. Jesus. This motherfucker will not tap at all. I fucking. I am known for fucking up people's legs. It's kind of a controversy meet competing because people get mad when I rip on heel hooks like bitch. Right. I don't like him. Right. So how often do you train? Because people get mad when I rip on heel hooks like bitch right I don't like them right So how often do you train

Oh, Tony I can't help myself Holy shit every single day every single day you have a special diet or anything that you do like beer and a lot of more food A lot of it a lot of work to right it was one bad night okay all right how do you stay up how do you keep your attitude so you're not mad at the your buddies you're not mad at the the city planner to put the rails but I mean I saw some underlying sort of like not for me was one of those things where it's like too many people focus on the past they like hold on this shit I'm like I'm gonna make people laugh And if they don't whip off one of your fucking legs and beat him to death yeah Yeah, when you lose your legs do you get to say goodbye to him?

Like do they like bring him out so you can look at him? You get to I asked right through my way do they like bring them out so you can look at them? And you get to... Jesus Christ! I threw them away before I woke up, I was pissed. Wow! I wanted to bronze them. I thought it'd be funny. Right. Were you a comedian thinking about being a comedian before that?

No, I was a firefighter in the Air Force. Oh, wow. Nice. Oh, shit. So, what an incredible fucking story. And you're wasting your life doing rose battle, okay? No, I'm joking. That's amazing that you can put that towards your towards art and making people laugh that blows me away, man Tony, I'm gonna say it. I'd like this guy to do a guest spot and you better start walking now because it's a little far away Another guest spot. Yes, I'm. Wow, look at that.

Logan Fawry. That's huge. Logan, I'm creating my own. I love it. I'm creating my own fast and furious team. The Legless Vette. Are you going to be here, third? The genderless Enrique.

You're in. Hell yeah. Boom. Thank you. Absolutely incredible. Tomorrow. Hell yeah. In the Fat Man sold out show tomorrow night. That is absolutely.

Are you going to be here Thursday? Yeah, I'll be here till June 10th. I'd love to have you on the secret show at sunset. Wow. Look at that. We just get giving and giving for this guy. And you know what? Jeff.

You know what? You're going to be here Friday're gonna be here Friday I have a pair of size 12 Nike's that I need broken in if you could help me out with them that'd be great you know what me and my buddies are going skiing and asking it's the giving tree tonight. Dave whispered it by ear. That's a real asking to go skiing. So now you're in Austin. So what's the name of your band?

No, I'm sorry. Run away, train. Tony, you are fantastic tonight. Every time you say train, your face gets redder. I love it. Yeah, it's true My blood pressure is booming right? The man's a walking hamburger. No, I'm sorry Can you send the guy in on the ventilator all right? Sorry Logan congratulations you did as good as you could possibly do you're leaving with a big joke book from the great

Logan far ladies and gentlemen there you have it. That's how it's done Ladies and gentlemen your next comedian straight out of the bucket goes by the name of Derek Dimple everybody Derek Dimple 60 seconds uninterrupted for Derek Dimple wow comedy mothership makes some noise if you're having a good time Wow. I'm autistic. Don't get weird. I'm the one who's micro-dosing special needs every day. It's my dad who's into model trains, though. You figure that one out. Doesn't totally make sense that I'm autistic

because my favorite kind of pornography has lots of eye contact. Very good. Doesn't matter that it's pixelated, it just makes you feel like they want you, you know? All right, I'll bust a load in my eyes later. I'm also a substitute teacher. bust a load in a million years. Oh, you might know my full name, Tony,

but I have never been on the show before. Is that true? That is absolutely true. No way, God made two people that look like that. That is, that is, Why would he do that? Incredible. Wow.

How do I know your name? Oh, well, we spent last Christmas together, actually two Christmas's ago. What happened? Okay, we were over at Friends Bar Bob Flocko was playing. Yes, we were hanging. Oh, yeah, and then you caught up with us at Latchkey. Yes Yeah, and we played a troll. I caught up with you. Yes Anybody see an interrogative pull anywhere? Nobody better to hang out with in the world. Nobody remembers better than an autistic. All right. What was the weather? What was the weather? I

Can't imagine I was probably so drunk. I was about to take the railway track there All right. What is your full name Napoleon not so dynamite? What's yours gumdrop McGee? Wow! Holy shit! Hey now, Obity, Obity,

Oh, it's his versus fiber my algebra. We never thought we'd see this. This is a fucking battle royale. Where's that guy, the transformer guy? No, it's my sisters that are trans. Now let me ask you this. I have two of them. You have two trans sisters?

I do, two. Are you serious? I'm serious. Wow, that's like hitting the worst lottery ever. Yeah, tell that to my daddy paid for it. It's like you hit the... Holy shit. Wow!

This teddy bear has teeth. Ha ha ha. Seems like your dad's going to fall into the wall, man. Yeah. He's hardcore. I like it. Seems like your dad's kind of into it. Well, when he called and told me about my second sister, I said, well, dad, there's something

I've been meaning to tell you for a really long time. I'm a woman too. We had a good time from the head now. I love it. Derek, what do you do for a living? Well, mostly I sell beer in alleyways. This is, we've heard it. How much I got it. I got it. I got it. No, since you're here Derek Derek over here. How much money do you make on a Monday selling beer in an alleyway? I gotta know on a good night. I clear 300 bucks after expensive. Oh, that's really good. I

Take for rent with that. Yeah hell yeah, I love it. Okay Are you really a big man? Are you really a substitute teacher, Derek? I was. What happened there? Oh, Derek. Uh-oh, now before you start shit, fuck, nothing. All right, easy. No need for a cue and on cue.

I have the face of a pedophile. Derek, I'm out of guest spots. But I Was going to invite you to swim against my daughter. What do you think? Well, I think in a sperm swimming contest mine get there first fuck to before you your awesome fact That was stupid that joke worked better in front of the mirror with your hairbrush. Then it did right here.

There's the big deal, Jerry. So hold back, buddy. You look like a homeless pirate. Thank you. Derek, Derek, Derek. You got to, you can't swing at the throne with fucking. No, no, let them get a system. OK.

So yeah, so in my high school classes, I was did work back to substitute teaching. I was a, so I used to do like five minute stand-up sets at the end of the high school class if they were cool, right? Yeah, but I was okay go ahead, react. Derek, Derek, stay in the pocket here, bro. Okay, I'll stay in the pocket. Fight your autism. Win, win the battle. Push it, push it within you. Deep inside. Round one, Derek versus his autism.

No, don't fucking do it, Tony. These people have skills. How much is a gas gonna cost next week? They know things, Tony. They know things. I was very careful about censorship up until one day I did a stand-up set and I think I was just really sick of those fucking kids and I accidentally dropped some curse words at the beginning and I said, ah shit Fuck, I'm getting fired today. And so then I let him have it. I told a really dirty joke And there was this there was this one girl who was filming with a pink cell phone case, right?

Ah those dang pangs, you know Well anyways, I'm not a substitute teacher anymore so... Now you're a substitute comedian, how exciting. What do you do for fun, Derek Dumbled? You seem like a guy that has a lot of action figures in your studio apartment or something like that just kidding. You have multiple roommates. Yeah, practices to karate kid, you know.

Good one. Thank you. But what do you do? What are your hobbies? While I like swimming, I like playing pool. I don't really have too many times for too much time for hobbies because I devote about 60 hours a week to doing stand-up comedy six nights a week. And I host three open mics out here in Austin Texas. Whoa. Keep whistling, please. That's great buddy.

Alright Derek. Well, fun times my friend. Congratulations. That was a, you, fun times my friend. Congratulations. That was a, you're getting a medium joke, but congratulations. No. How do you feel, good? You're having a great job, buddy. Great job. Derek, you came out already.

I have a good night, you guys. Thank you so much. I like how you keep swinging. I like how you keep swinging. You did, buddy. You held the stage. Go ahead. You're good.

Go ahead. Can I smoke a joint here? Yeah, Dave, do you mind if I smoke a joint? Please. Go ahead. Go ahead. Go ahead. Can I smoke a joint here? Yeah, Dave, do you mind if I smoke a joint? Please, go ahead. In a town of people addicted to trink, it's great to see so much classic. Ladies and gentlemen, this is one of those moments where we get to take a break from the bucket and enjoy the unbelievable prowess of one of our regulars, one of the longest standing regulars in the history of the show, famous for his great roasting and writing skills.

How can this place get for the one and only David Motherfuck and Lucas, everybody? Oh my god. Oh my god. Yeah. Uh, Roaches are the niggas of the insect community. For real, man. They got ant forms. They always try to save ladybirds, lady bugs and shit.

Nobody try to save a roach. You see a roach, you like kill that nigga. What? I like racism. I really do, man. I'm happy that white people chose to bring me from Africa over here, man. I really think we need to bring some of that old shit back. I think we need to bring back lynchings, I really do,

because these niggas are out of control, man. We got to teach them. You know what I'm saying? We need to bring back a public lynching. And the first person we're going to do it to is co-dact black. That society would be better without it. That's it. Exactly 60 seconds from the veteran David Lucas. Welcome, David.

How are you? What's up, man? Y'all having fun up here. Very fun, sad. Good stuff. How do you feel? Cool. Yeah. You are cool. Thank you, Joe. Great to see you, David. You too, Jeff. Oh, you can feel the tension in the air lately. I was genuinely saying hi. We did a Super Bowl commercial together. Yeah, we did. We did a Super Bowl commercial together. I love this guy. Yeah, they had a Walnut roast and a peanut.

Jeff Ross, because he got a little. David Lucas. David Lucas. He's the commercial. You'd have to tell the band and think they- Oh, yeah. About there, your guys is peanut commercial. By the way, it should be known now that planners is a show corporation.

Yes, it was. Oh. I just called this shit. So cool that you guys had a commercial during this Super Bowl. The Super Bowl is also what David eats his cereal out of every morning. I was jealous at the hal time show because Rihanna was pregnant. That is true. That's supposed to be me.

I wish I was. I identify as a black pregnant woman. So just to let you know, David, how's life going with Shake in this week? Everything great, man. You know, got a lot of dates coming up just hitting the road, bro. Trying to become a better headliner, shit. Right, right. Okay.

Dave, you've seen the great David Lucas before. Where are you headed, buddy? Baltimore and Philly, Atlanta. Oh, shit to him. Holy shit. Where you headed? Where am I headed? Probably the rehab, I guess.

I mean, I'm at the end of it. You're at the beginning of it. But I've seen, you know, I think one of the other events you've had, right? Yeah. Always new material. That's balls in front of a crowd like this. That's great.

I love it. Balls of steel. He's also shaped like a ball. So it's pretty cool. Tony, you look feminine and I'm thinking what the fuck? You got your boyfriend letterman jacket on, nigga. This is fucking... Oh, don't make fun of my buddy. I know.

You look like a police sketch of Paula Dean. Holy shit. Easy, Jeff. No, don't leave, Jeff. Don't leave, don't leave. Come on, Jeff. Coming from a guy that looks like he writes barbecue reviews for his diary. Wow. This is tough, Jeff. You look like a naked mole rep, but you know what?

Holy shit. This is like landlord on tenant. I've never seen this. This is not going to end well. We need to de-escalate it. Hey, Dave, you look like you got your plumbing certificate, but get some. If you're here, who's working at every denys, everywhere, all right? What you ask for a Denver Omelette when I'm ready,

when I'm ready. What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? when I'm ready, when I'm in that new movie, Wakanta. Now, meaning I quit can't have walked up the steps. Now, sorry. David, tell me, I heard you doing a homelone or ice bitch.

Get your mama. Holy shit, I got pulled into it, Jeff. Get me out of this. No, but you want to wear a duorad, get your mama for the Harley-Davidson driving down somebody, oh boy. Whoa. That's too far. That's my friend.

Look at that. I'm not wearing it. What are you got Jeff wrongs draws on your head? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. This guy really came alive. Hey, David, tell me. I've only seen this at the counter at Popeyes. I mean, honestly, that energy, that commitment.

Hey, Dave, I need you to shave your beard to give Jeff Ross some eyebrows, man. And motherfucker, we're looking like a mannequin. Very nice. That's not funny, because I have Valipisha, which I believe is your aunt's name. Wow. Oh my god. Wow.

I guess what we're trying to say is loan forgiveness. You know what I'm saying? We all believe in it. There we go. Loan forgiveness. Tony, wait a run for cover during that fucking civil rights march David Lucas you're the fucking great buddy. You took on all commerce That's really incredible fucking ball as always killing thriving

David Lucas ladies and gentlemen. There he goes makes a noise for David Lucas everybody David Lucas ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Make some noise for David Lucas everybody One of the great Frankenstein's a Variegular ship here in the history of Killtony an absolute monster go see him on the road Baltimore Philly a bunch of other places All right I pulled another name out of the bucket ladies and gentlemen. We're going to meet them all together for the first time you guys still having fun out there gentlemen we're going to meet them all together for the first time you guys still having fun out there? All right here we go the Killtony debut of Tito everybody Tito here's Tito everyone

Hill yeah my name is Tito and I look like a Tito, right? Because your eyes, you imagine that shit would be me. You know, a lot of people think I'm gay, I just got to remind them I'm just Puerto Rican. You know, I'm half Mexican and half Puerto Rican, which is confusing for a lot of people, especially in Mexico. Over there, they're just like, oh my god, just so Puerto Rican. And Puerto Rico, they're like, oh my god, just so Mexican.

But in the States, white women fuck me because they think I'm a black guy. You know what I'm saying? I never say no, either. I'm like, you got that right, young blood. Sorry, tap dancing, shit. I get it. You know? But with the rings and the fucking nails and shit, I feel like I'm trying to look like a back guy.

But I look like a back guy from a musical. It's fucked up. Like a weekend in a fight, I just throw a glitter bomb and snap my fingers out of that. No. Right. Okay, Tito and everybody. Tito. Welcome to the show Tito.

How are you? I'm pretty good, man. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? I'm doing about a give it take with the pandemic about five years. Okay, we're at Chicago. So you're visiting right now from Chicago? Yes, sir. Okay. All right. What do you do for work in Chicago? I do a number of things

I run a little Amazon store. I have an Airbnb in Mexico City and then I drive lift Wow, you'll read it's you are Puerto Rican. Okay But I look like every lift driver ever rolling one. It's fucked up I had a question for you. One point in your set, you said that white American women think you're a black guy. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. Start tap dancing. Yeah.

Is that something that you think black people do? You've seen the movies. What movie? What movies? All of them are in black and white? Okay. Alright. See, okay.

I'm just fucking around. The jokes. We get it. We know. We know. It's just an interesting stereotype. Black people be tap dancing. Have you ever seen a black person tap dance in real life?

Yeah. Where at? I think it was New York. Where? Big C. Big somewhere. No, that was a seizure. Alright.

Yeah. Satita, what do you do for fun? I like to go to the gym. I like to hang out with my friends, watch basketball. I kinda like typical shit outside of comedy and I don't kinda stay in busy. I like to travel a lot. I travel a lot. Okay.

That's my thing. That's my thing. Alright. So, what's your favorite kind of woman to hook up with you seem like a woman I'm so type right? You get around a bit. Don't you T. Yeah for a long time I used to date a type of girl that I was I was calling a spooky bitches I was the him spooky. I'm a little bit scared of where this is going. Yeah, wish she one of those tap dancers

You know you know the kind, right? Like the tattoos and don't believe in God, but God faking healing powers of rocks, you shit. Yeah, I was in. He's got a white girl. They're spreading. It's all a little bit of a place. Okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tito, you ever been in trouble with the law? Oh, multiple times. Like with what? Can you give us some examples? Back in high school, I turned my basement into a club when I was a DJ, so I turned my basement into a club and I would throw house parties in Chicago. Okay. So yeah, I would get arrested a lot of times. Usually I would get arrested after I left my house because they were like spotting me. Yeah. I'm what's it?

So you were arrested in high school for throwing parties? Throwing parties, yeah, being rowdy, we had a toilet paper fight in a football field with our cars. We got in our car, it's got out of the sunroof and just started throwing toilet paper at some of the... And this was in Chicago? Yeah.

The Chicago police, as much as they have to do, were arresting you for throwing parties in your basement and high school. And T.P. I mean, we got two calls coming in, we got a toilet paper battle in the streets and five people shot and killed. Let's go... We got to figure out this toilet paper situation. I was I was a little out of my mind in high school, you know, it was a lot of party. It was a speeding no license. I didn't have my license till the day I went to college. So every time I got pulled over, it was a problem. But I got out of it.

Okay, can I tell you what I like? The name Tito. Thank you boss. First of all, that's a cool name, dude. You just call yourself Tito. What do you think? Yeah, Tito. I love it. Yeah, yeah. I give people my last name, but they mess it up sometimes,

so I just want with Tito. It doesn't matter. I've already given you four stores, and you haven't driven me anywhere. You know? Ha! Dude, you've been doing this. Chicago's not an easy town for comedy,

and you get on there, you go on to Chicago? Yeah Good buddy, that is fucking awesome. Thank you, sir. Now Jeff. What do you think? I saw him do roast battle He killed it and you killed it tonight. I thought you're great not easy to do a minute right off the fucking dome like I'm a little but that's the whole thing. Like I'm in the middle of a fucking compliment. You're trying to get a bump. So Dave knows to wait. Anyway, Tito, give us a, what, before I let you go, give us one big, crazy, fun fact about your life.

Something that you did, you accomplished, perhaps you are, you have a special skill or talent other than comedy, something else about you that you're on a podcast right now so anything I don't know man I used to I was a paid dancer for a company that would entertain it like person like corporate events okay what kind of dancing are we talking about dancing what kind of dancing like we would do coordinated as but like I would like battle dudes with like popping lock Oh, what can we get can we get some music and see that put the mic in the mic Stantito or put it wherever you want. I guess here he is gonna do something giving us a little oh shit. Whoa

Shit. Oh Shit holy shit Holy shit. Holy shit. Alright, well, the old Chicago robots there are. There's no reason with that kind of talent you shouldn't be playing golf in Saudi Arabia. I mean honestly You just want to say open teetown It's been so long bro. I haven't danced in a long time It must have been felt good to cut in a rut am I right? Yeah, and what a fuck you to that guy with no legs I mean honestly good luck getting back there

Teetown that's what I battled yesterday Good luck getting back there, Tito. That's what I battled yesterday. Yeah. Yeah, he had some, tell him what, tell Dave, one of your good roast battle jokes about the round about that guy. Logan's not racist, his two best legs are black. Another one, he already did that joke.

He really puts the bro in broken. Yeah, what was the other one? Gee, who's the first one? Oh, he looks like a protein shake fuck the can opener I like that one Tony you love roast joke not in this economy. I do now. I'm sorry Sorry to roast it up for a second there, but that's good. Let second there But I you know I like the you know and I you know I Like the connection that the two shows have they're like oh married. Oh totally because of the Tony would do like you said earlier Mondays and roast battle would be on Tuesday and they both started within months of each other. Rose Spattles started three or four months after Killtony in the belly room,

which at the time there was no like new shows or a different format. It was just stand-up comedy shows. And somehow at the same era, both of these crazy things started and ran night after night, Mondays and Tuesdays became two of the craziest nights at the store, weekly. Still happening, I love it. Makes me so happy. Yeah, I love it. days became two of the craziest nights at the store weekly.

Still happening. I love it. Makes me so happy. Yeah. I love it. I love it so much. Tito, congratulations. Fun times.

Here's a big joke book by the great Adrian Cabazzo's Bones Eye. You're also leaving with a gel blaster. Congratulations, my friend. There goes Tito, everybody. I love it, Tito. All right. Hold another name out of the bucket.

We're going to keep it moving right now. Make some noise. Hold another name out of the bucket. We're gonna keep it moving right now Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket René or tease René or René or tease Oh, there he is. Okay one more one more time for René or tease everybody I'm René or tease not René or tease I can make the far right laugh. I really can The trade-off is that now my jokes are a hate crime south of the border There's a price on my head in Mexico. There is. I know it's at least a couple of states

The reason why is I went to a wedding in tequila No, I didn't go to a wedding off tequila on tequila in tequila I didn't go to wedding off tequila, on tequila, in tequila. And I happened to dance with a daughter of the distillery, la hija de la distilleryia, the heir to the distillery from which we were being sponsored to drink from. And her father approaches me and says, if you touch my daughter, one more time, you're not gonna leave Mexico. I left to go take a piss.

I jumped out the fucking window and left. I was somewhere else just walking. I think I still have the same blisters from that walk three months later, but I'm not going back. I'm not. Thank you, that was my time. Wow, that was amazing.

Renea Ortiz, you have to be one of the funniest Mexican gerbils we've ever had on the show before. I've never been to an immigration hearing before. This is really cool. This is incredible. You're an honest guy. Might be one of the most Mexican-looking people we've ever, it was your mother, a cactus, and and your father a tequito perhaps like what exactly are you this is

incredible I didn't realize they made a Mexican Stuart little okay yeah step on a step on the jokes and the border wall at the same time incredible so let's talk about it right yeah you are as Mexican as it gets, right? Yeah, it's a tan. Ever since I moved out here two weeks ago. Oh really? I was looking like you two weeks ago. You were? Yeah. Look out with insurance. Yeah. Now, let me ask you something. First of all, what I love about you is you wrote down, you have material, right? You wrote through your jokes down? Just the two. Just the two jokes, okay? I'm gonna write something in the alley

and that's what I'm bringing up. I like it, okay. Now, all that stuff with a real like, what that really happened in Mexico? Unfortunately. It did, so how did you get here then? I'm a resident here, I was... No, I know you are, but I mean,

how did you get away from this guy? You think slaves and ice. I got a train to Chihuahua. I'm a resident. I got a train to Chihuahua. And then I pretty much walked like half a train to Chihuahua. I'm a resident. I got a train to Chihuahua. And then I pretty much walked like half a mile and I was in Texas.

And then I was like, you know what? I fucking fuck with the show. I've seen like your guys' standup shows on various platforms. And I was like, no, I'm not. So wait, let's slow down a second here. Let's just take a beat. This is all moving very fast. I'm interested.

This is like a cool locked up abroad kind of story you know it's like we're speed reading through this uh so you're in Chihuahua Mexico correct I got a train there you got a train there okay do you hear any thumbs or anything on the way we ought to it's a weird train heavy episode we're sleeping in those people fucking under me right right right and how long you've been doing standup How long you been doing standup now? My third time doing standup on stage and then I probably like 10 time on stage because I used to be in band Fuck dude. You were in bands. Yeah. What would you play? I know like elementary so I count them

What did you? What did you play in the band clarinet and then I moved to a saxophone. Why would you give that up for this shit? I mean honestly you guys I fucking love meeting people who looks like stand up. It's just I feel like it that's home from me So you're in Chihuahua you walk to Texas, right by yourself? Yeah, it's not a far walk from where the like the train will leave you right?. And then I just, I was like, look, I'm a citizen. And they're like, that way, you'll find a bus that'll take you to the station. That's all you had to say to get there? No, no, he had to fucking do some, you know, like spy shit. He colored his hair, so now he looks like a Nordic tourist.

Boy, I've been here before, yeah? They let this young Viking across of course And then the tan See you said I'm a citizen and is it just Kamala Harris like you're good come on in This guy If you can say you're a citizen that's all we need with ID right with a Mexican ID They were like you're a bit darker. Yeah, I've been in the desert a few days.

I'm a bit darker, but this is me and the hair is really what, like you said, what saved me. The highlights, the highlights. I said it. It's just a little... Now... Shit. Wouldn't America be more fun if this is what the immigration panels were like?

I really... The guys in Citizen for God's sake. I know. So let me ask this now. All right? You ready? Yes or no? OK, so you hooked up with that girl down there.

I bet you the girls love you in this town. Yes or no? Only the short ones. The short women. You mean children? What do you mean? Come on, I'm trying to get in on your world, buddy. And your biggest advocate here.

I try to avoid being outside when school's out. Oh, yeah, that's good. Then I'm like, I can't tell. Yes. Maybe. OK. All right, buddy, over here. What do you do for a living? Right now, I'm working at a car shop,

like an audio body part shop. What do you do at the auto body shop? Mostly like handle like stuff leaving so like you're here to pick up this part. Here you go This is you let me see your ID. That's it. Welcome back demand-us Don't look them directly in the eyes Oh shit I think I just got enlightened. Hey thanks guys. Dave thinks this is a sketch. It's not.

Tito, give us one more crazy fun fact about you that we would find surprising about your entire life. I lost my virginity at 13 and it was thanks to my mom. It was next to your mom? Is that what you said? Did you say you lost at 13 or your MS-13? What did you say? Either way, I'm impressed.

So how did you lose it? Thanks to your mom. She let you fuck her. I know I'm in the South, but surprisingly no. Okay, so what happened? Through a garden party. A garden party? A garden party. A garden party. Oh, hold on a sec.

You should never put... Wait a sec. Tony, Tony. You should never party where you work. Now, how are you letting all these easy ones go? This kid is a joke back. I'll bring a leaf blower. Oh my god. Can you explain to literally the entire room This kid is a joke back. I'll bring a leaf blower.

Oh my God. Can you explain to literally the entire room what a garden party is? So, have you, make some noise if you've heard of a garden party. Get back in that tea caron. Are you wiping up? Jesus. Hell yeah. Down syndrome, Meg Ryan has to go pee pee everybody.

Oh, stop it. Fuck Tony. This is what crazy is what crazy the war zone here. So what is a garden party explain to us so that we can run so that we can be reminded of how great of a country We live in tell us what a garden party is if you need to remember you can sit on my lap. Oh, go ahead So my mom is a grafter if if you don't know what that is, pretty much, if you know how to do it, you can get two different fruits, two different types of pears. Put it on one tree, put up to 25 different types of pears.

Put it on one tree. That's also a pear tree. Oh my god. This is like your mom's Mexican Elon Musk. This is incredible. I mean, her trees are in Japan. So you know, can you think about that? Like, they're like, okay, so your mom's grafting then what happens at the garden party?

Pretty much celebrating the opening of now she can sell those commercially and they're protected. Like, she can sell them and almost be exclusive in doing so. And so, they threw a party and her best friend was like a co-founder. And she had with her husband five girls, five different girls. And he would always say like, I want to, I want to like a boy, I want a boy. I think it was just a sperm honestly, but I ended up going home to watch movies with all of them because everybody was starting to get drunk. And he still wasn't drinking.

So he's like, I'll drive you to my house. You guys go watch movies and go to sleep and then everybody will get home, right? Shit, okay, then what happened? I'm 13 at the time, so I'm like, all right, there's the person below my age, which was a year younger, 12. And then the next oldest was, You lost your virginity to a 12 year old?

No, the next one was like a junior in high school at the time, Right under 18. Okay. And she pretty much walked me through having sex while we were there. And at some point her dad drove up and she could tell it was his car. And he's like, oh, she's like, oh fuck, they're home. So she hid me under her because she's kind of like, she was thick. She's like a big booty Latina.

But like sexy, not like. Don't point at anybody now. I pointed at someone to you. Very good, we're calling the immigration right now. All right, come back. So she pretty much walked me through and then she laid like this on me. And that's when she felt my boner. And she's like, oh, okay.

And she just does what every Mexican girl does at this point, right? Y'all. The old wet front. Exactly. First day I didn't have it on my back. My goodness. Epsteto Island. Look at you. Not the first time you've been in Chihuahua. You know what I mean? I'm not looking at you not the not the first time you've been in Chihuahua, you know what I mean?

Well my friend Congratulations Tito how long you been when stand up? Officially now two weeks since I got two weeks. Well congratulations my friend. Here's a little joke, but can you catch it? Boom there he goes Tito everybody all right Now here's the deal. What happens now, Tony? You guys are in for yet another special treat. Another one of our big golden ticket winners

are here ladies and gentlemen, from Toronto, Canada. Yeah! This young man has cerebral palsy that affects his voice. So, he cannot speak, but he still kills ladies and up one more time for Aaron Belyne. How about one more time for everybody? A lot of things are harder for me like putting on a jacket, taking off a jacket, and texting while driving. Anything I do is an inspiration. I took a dump in a home depot the other day and I got a standing ovation. Oh my god, he's pooping all by himself. I decided to steal a TV at Best Buy, and the staff was like, he's working so hard.

Fuck it. Let's just give him a hand. I hit a cyclist with my car the other day and the guy says, oh you can drive, you're an inspiration. So I backed up and ran over his legs. How's it feel to be an inspiration? But now he is trying to steal my job and got new black legs. People think it's amazing that I live alone, but what's really amazing is that I got all those heads in my freezer. All by myself. Wow, Aaron Baleil, unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Time after time after time. It always blows my mind. You really are an inspiration. It is incredible how good you are. It's stand up comedy. You are the third most handicapped person that's been on the stage tonight. Absolutely crushing. How's life going? What do you want to say today? Unbelievable. The balls that it takes for you to come out here wearing that shirt. It's mind-boggling.

As if though we didn't already know you were Canadian. Have a question. Does your barber also have cerebral palsy? Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Yes. Ha ha ha ha. That was hilarious.

That was great. Great. But at least I have one. Ha ha ha. Wow. Oh, wow Shit Wow, that was a That was a facet of Google trends late. I've ever fucking see that god damn Fucking this guy's never go against this guy in a Wi-Fi hotspot.

I'll tell you that. This guy's a fucking killer. Holy shit. You know, before you came up, I was afraid of AI. Now I love it. I do. Keep going. It is absolutely incredible.

Every joke was great. Aaron Ballyel.il is typing something. I kind of stumbled last night and I got my watch stuck on a coat hook and couldn't move. I had to rip it off of my hook arm. Oh. Oh, wow. Damn, so you broke your watch.

How long were you stuck for? Yeah. Like hours? Good question. Three minutes. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Incredible. Do you have video of this, please? So, Aaron, what else is going on? What have we not talked about that you think we should talk about? This is the fucking thumbs, man. Yeah. Amazing. I was at the park with Hans for the karaoke, and I did better.

Oh my God! That is incredible. Wow! Slamming on the other guys. Why wouldn't you? What did you sing? Mr. Roboto? We're reluctantly crashed at the starting line and just smumping and pumping the time.

The green light flashes the flags go up. I sang, hey they're deli. Hey they're Del Lai. Ha ha ha ha. Hey there, Del Lai Lai. I love it. Aaron Ballyel. Absolutely incredible as always. How much longer you've been Austin for? Visiting from Canada.

Believe it or not, immigration's rougher to get from Canada to here. You can't just go Amosidism They keep an eye on these people until tonight as far as immigration knows Right Right. Have you ever thought about going through the Mexican border back to Canada? I love it airing anything else we should talk about before letting you go after another unbelievably impressive performance Yes, so something you might not know about me as I have a service dog. Traveling and most things are different for me. It's difficult, especially with my dog, because he likes to shit in the airport. Is there anything I might try? I'd once to counteract the shit in the airport by feeding him twice the morning before.

That backfired when he projectile shit all over the floor in the middle of the security line. Wow. Wow. Hey, do you want to just whip it through the heavy glass doors to the gate? The funniest thing about it is that they clean it up and still let me. It's not all the way through the heavy glass doors. What the fuck happened? Oh my god. It's like they cleaned it and still let me board. I just made some extra grunts, and I was good to go. What the fuck just happened? That was a dude. You have a, you have a, you have a,

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with us sitting in him standing? I mean, it really is. Like, it's like the end of humanity or something. Tony, I don't know if you're running a show or is this is just the world's long-term injury Attorney commercial but He's an anomaly just don't ask him to pronounce it because that would that would take weeks Here he is Aaron Belial typing furiously with his right on the top of the week. Uh-oh We're just killing time while he finishes

Sorry, I smell a manifesto coming our way. Watch out! If this is about the ramp, chose working on it. Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha! B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B and and and and and and and

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and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and and a sold out crowd, you do it all the time, it's unbelievable, we love you here. Still working on trying to make him an American citizen. It's incredible. We will not stop until he's an American. How many of you think Aaron should be an American? So do we. Tony, you did it.

Canada sends its best down I pulled a name out of the bucket ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna meet them all together Make some noise for Zach LaBosa everyone Zach LaBosa. Oh my god. I gotta Here he is the kill Tony debut of Zach LaBosa Wow Maybe you have Zach LaPosa. Oh, wow. Oh, she's... So my girlfriend has cancer. She... He's a crowd.

She hated it at first, but it grew on her. People come up to us after a show and they're like, does she really have cancer? I'm like, no, she just loves the haircut. People ask stupid questions. Is there anything I can do to help? I'm like, yeah, cure cancer. But this is a denny, so why don't you check on my grand slam. It is tough, it's

tough dating someone with cancer, it changes you as a man. Like she has breast cancer, so I guess I'm an ass man now. I do hate the question, is there anything you can do to help? It's like, I don't know, you know a good mortician? I just want to look at the last time we make love. That's my time, thank you guys. Wow. Work the weight, Tony. Exactly.

Work the weight for the final tag there. Zach, that set was so dark, I think it should tap dance. That set was darker than the other guys' legs. Wow, Zach, incredible. This is my first time seeing your face and it is absolutely shocking. How are you, Zach? I'm doing great, shocking. How are you Zach? I'm doing great man How are you from I'm from Chicago? Oh, another person from Chicago very very excited That was a ball start came right out and said it, you know, I thought it was pretty ballsy buddy

Thank you, man. Yeah, but nothing explains that shirt My cancer-ridden girlfriend got it for me. I don't know what she's trying to say. Wow. Oh my goodness. She wants your chest to be hideous, too. Tony, you have so many broken toes in your chest. I love her in the back. Tony has no fear.

And no tits. So, Zach, how long have you been with this girl? Six years. Six years. And what type of, what size breast did she have before? and no tits. So Zach, how long have you been with this girl? Six years. Six years. And what type of what size breasts did she have before? Oh my god. Is it both breasts?

Yeah, no, it was just one, but you got both taken out. Oh, okay. So what? Is it a human being you're talking about? Yeah, and he signed up for this show. So this is a little, uh, give and take. It's an oop, it's a booming economy. Right. So what size boobs did she have before? She had seas and other dees. Wait what do you mean? She had

him taken off and then got implants. Oh okay. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. my man is incredible That's incredible which my girlfriend would have cancer How long you been doing stand-up comedy eight years eight years wow all of it in Chicago Nope Chicago LA New York, Florida Austin. Okay, now you live here. Yep. What do you do for work? I'm a bartender at a pizza place. A bartender at a pizza place? Yeah. What?

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. I'm a butler at a whorehouse, all right? I'm a fucking... What the fuck is a bartender at a pizza place? Oh, it's a restaurant that serves pizzas, that's what it is. Correct. And in Chicago? No, it's unfortunately Detroit style.

Detroit style. What do you think of that, Jim? It's my favorite. I'm like a fucking traitor. You were in Detroit, right? I love Detroit. What's it like? It's like Canada's Tijuana.

Yeah. Good setup, like? It's like Canada's Tijuana. Yeah. Good setup, huh? Good setup. Dave, like Kobe and Shaq over here. It's fucking awesome. Anyway, back to this Jersey Shore reject. Well, I didn't know the problem. I like the Maddies, but I like how honest you are.

I like, you know, obviously, I don't have no idea if your girlfriend is okay with this kind of humor. I don't know if any of it's real. It sounds like it's real, but the fact that you would have a chunk like that, it's so personal, I think is awesome. And you seem to have a good attitude about it, so hopefully you do, as she does too, and that's awesome.

Thank you, ma'am. Yeah. Nice. Laughter is the best medicine unless you have cancer. Yeah. Ah. So what do you guys do for fun? You and the lady.

And I mean, she's not all that fun. A lot of time in bed, this one. I do this. I play water polo. It's so weird, I know, whatever. Wow. Other than water polo, what else? Um, watch a lot of movies. Okay.

Water polo in the town, suffering a drought. Well, you know something, son? That's privilege. That is privilege. What's water polo like? Just you and the guys get in your like, speedos and tiny things, knocking a little ball around. Like, what happens? It's pretty homerotic. There's a lot of grabbing each other under the water and little speedos. I mean, the players out here aren't that good. So, demoness famously homophobic is behind us,

groaning, groaning and groaning at the thought of men grabbing each other under water. He cannot help himself. At least he's visualizing it. That doesn't, that doesn't really, Oh, cancer's okay, but blindness. Well, I mean, demon, demonness can't get bigger eye implants. It's kind of not fair. Zach, LaPosa, fun stuff, man. Zach, great job. Yeah, strong stuff.

Anything else for Zach? I think he's doing the right thing, man. Okay, here you go. Here's a big joke, but there goes Zach LaBos, everybody. Everybody, good one. All right. We're... So we're running over time here,

but we're going to get one last bucket pull up here. Oh my god. Hold on. Let's meet him all together and make some. Hold on. Hold on. Yeah, get sadder. That's what I want to know. Well, we're about to find out. I don't know if we're picking a new mascot or what the fuck's going on up here. Okay, we got one more. Is that what you saying? Huh? Donnie, one more. Yeah. Okay, we got one more. Is that what you're saying? Huh? Tony one more. Yeah, okay. Good. Yeah, makes a noise for Miles joiner everybody. Miles joiner Come on people play your hands together for these guys have been waiting all night in an alleyway for the opportunity

How's it going? I was going to be here in Austin. I was just here the other fucking day. I'm here again, who's for a job interview that didn't go well. It's because an Indian guy, I've messed a whole fucking thing up halfway across the world. But I actually moved to Texas because a girl made me do it. She's actually cheating on me with my best friend the entire time. It was crazy. Because I was like, why y'all ain't gonna tell me? She is actually cheating on me with my best friend the entire time. It was crazy because I was like, why y'all ain't gonna tell me? Y'all could have told me the entire fucking time.

We could have split everything in three, Scott Damnit. I mean, I would have shared anything with you. I would have gave him the shirt off my back. Glass hit him my weed. But, um, yeah, he did that. And so, um, yeah, he did that. And so, um, punch line. Right there. Like I said, it's good to be here in Austin.

I kind of want to move here. Because I'm in Dallas right now. So I kind of want to move to Austin. And, uh, I'm just so happy now, so I kind of want to move to Austin and I'm just so happy to be here. Thank you. My name is Miles joiner. Thank you. Miles joiner a very very interesting approach Just saying the word oh, oh, you're still talking. Okay, all right. Okay awesome. This is gonna be a great interview Miles doing an interesting Method saying the word punchline, instead of having a-

I like it. Very, very interesting. That happened. Deconstructing comedy. I like that. De-Manus has his hands over his ears. He can't stand the side of me. Sorry.

OK, Miles, still bombing bombing deep into the interview part It's hard going on at the end. I'll tell you that as a guy who closes his mini a show It really is have you ever considered tap dancing Too much you mean topping back into my roots Okay Miles what do you how long you been when stand up? That's my first time. Okay. No way. It was a nice first.

Fuck, man. Awesome. Congratulations. Wow. It's an honor to meet you. It's an honor to meet you, Jeff. Yeah, about me. Yeah, of course. I'm sorry.

It's going to another one. I don't know to meet you two side show, Bob. Yeah. Yeah. I admire anybody who comes out here and like Dave said, it closes it up like that. Two sideshow, Bob. Yeah. Yeah. I admire anybody who comes out here and like Dave said, it closes it up like that. It's difficult.

It's very difficult. That was really hard. But otherwise, nothing really constructive coming out of it. No, people brought the A game. And he had to follow it. Like when that guy Tito did that impression of Aaron, you know, I thought that was... Oh!

Is this something you've always wanted to try, Miles? Yeah, I started when, when, when, when my, I found out that my girlfriend cheated on me, I was actually in the middle of Benjing, Louis, and I started writing jokes at that point. Sweet. Okay, so it really broke your heart. Oh yeah.

How long were you with that girl for? Two years. How long were you good friends with the best friend that? Same amount of time. Uh-huh. And then how did you catch them? The girl, well, sorry, I kind of knew, but then the girl told the girl that was with the guy.

She used to fucking Christ miles. Oh my god. The girl that was with the guy. Jesus fucking Christ miles. Oh my god. The girl that was with the guy. It's your story, bro. Fucking say it. All right, this is what actually happened. The girl, the girl.

This is actually what happened. I did shrooms one night. I went to the It'll Do Club in Dallas. And I heard this song by Captain Beefhart. And I was like, I fucking love that bitch still. And I called her and then she didn't pick up and then she called me the next morning. She was like, hey, I saw I got your messages, but I just, I fucked her up. Wait, wait, wait, you guys were broken up.

We were already broken up. She was gonna meet me in Dallas, but it never happened. So she never didn't cheat on you. You guys broke up. No, no, no, Michael. We were, we were, we were, we were together. We were, we were together. We were together.

And then we, when I got to Dallas, she was supposed to come out and then we, she, she was cheating with Joe the entire fucking time. We know, we know. Somehow we knew this before you. Uh, what up? We, you. Uh. What up. We. OK.

I think it's good that you're working it out with us. I do. I do. I do. You know what I want to do. You look like the first guy that would shoot up a weed store. Where does Joe live? Now he was in New York.

You know what I'm going to do? I'm going to fly Joe here. I want to see if he does a better minute than you. Ah, fuck the fuck. That's what she said. It's literally what she said. Thank God. Thank God you showed up Jeff. Holy shit, that poor kid. He's got a broken heart for God's sake, give him a chance. Miles, we're gonna move quickly with you. Here's a little joke book.'s sakes. Give me a chance. Miles, we're going to move quickly with you. Here's a little joke book. There he goes.

Miles, join her, everybody. Miles, I'm sorry. Joe would have caught that, by the way. Joe would have caught that joke book. All right, in our mishandling of the show, I have realized that all night long, we did not have the opportunity to get a female comedian up here. We accidentally missed all the females last week.

We did not pull on out of the bucket. So we pulled one out for right now to make things a little leave. And you guys ready for, yeah. Make some noise for Kylie Kaiser, everybody. The last bucket pull of the night, one minute uninterrupted. Kylie Kaiser. The last bucket poll of the night. One minute uninterrupted. Pile Piser. No, Pile!

Thank you. I really hate all the dumb shit that people try to tell you to make you feel better about being single, you know? When my long-term relationship ended, my friends were like, Kylie, this is going to be great for you, you know? It's going to be an opportunity for an eat-pray love kind of moment. I got to be honest with you guys, it's looked a little bit less eat-pray love, a little bit more drink-cry fuck.

I was seeing somebody recently and I kind of thought it was going well until he called me something so offensive that I haven't really been able to move on from it. He called me his little buddy. I've been friend zone before, but never while there was still a dick inside of me. This is essentially the verbal equivalent of a guy finishing rolling off of you and then putting you into a headlock

and giving you a nookie. My friends tell me that my issue is I'm really bad at being able to identify red flags, but I don't think that's true. I think red flags are about perspective. For example, what you think is a red flag, I may not. My best friend thinks that military men are a red flag. But my mom's been married to four of them, so I think it's fine. Kylie Kaiser. Great memorial, John Way way to the show. Great memorial, guys.

Strong way to end the show. Thank you. A little memorial de humor there. Very strong set, Kylie Kaiser, how long have you been doing stand up? So I've been writing for almost a year, but I've been performing for four months. Four months. All of it here in Austin, Texas. All of it in Austin.

I was writing in Nashville. I did like a comedy class there before I moved. Okay. You moved from Nashville to here I did what do you do for a living? Oh, come on. It's obvious. She runs an ex-strowing place. Come on What makes you say that? Do I look strong? I don't know. Okay, so ironically I was impressed come on armrestful right now. I was impressed from beginning to end and I would like you to do a guest spot on Wednesday night

on my show, one day. Wow. Wednesday night, sold out show. Four months into the game. Wow. Doing a spot. Thank you so much. My day job, I used to run a health and fitness coaching

company, and I just wasn't passionate anymore. So now I do freelance copywriting for other fitness professionals. I like write their Instagram content. Incredible. You're like a health and fitness. Are you like catfishing these people? No, so I used to be a competitive bodybuilder. I was a bikini girl and I just like kind of got sick and I'm being able to live my life. And so I put on a little way but I have a lot more fun. Yeah, absolutely. You won the crowd over. Very cool.

What else do you do for fun? I clearly miss out on red flags a lot. I do a lot of bad dating. I like to go to concerts. Otherwise, lately, it's just been standup. I'm really having a blast doing this. When you say you miss out on red flags, what exactly do you mean? So the long-term relationship I got out of was a five-year one

right before I moved here. He was kind of just like a walking red flag. There was a lot of things you could pick apart. But then once I, right before I moved, I was dating a drug addict. Yeah, he's sober. In this town? Can I keep out?

In this town, that's impossible. He was still in Nashville. He was long-distance drug addict. Oh. He was still in Nashville, his long distance drug addict. So that was really good. Wow, long distance drug addict. Yeah. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Never heard of that before. Yes. It was, you know, I learned, I have a lot of material about it, so that's good. So you said you used to be, yeah. So you said you used to be like a bodybuilder and like like what's your food now, guilty pleasure, what do you like? Pizza. Yeah, would you like a pizza with a bartender? Cause we have a guy.

Y'all, sorry. Go ahead, Tony. What are you having? Kylie Kaiser, I love it. Welcome to Killi Universe. You did it. You had a great set. You're leading here with a big joke book. We got rid of all the big joke books tonight. It's been a while. I'm gonna get to names from Tony, but yeah Wednesday night for sure. Thank you so much. Thank you guys. This is awesome. I'm on one more time for Kylie Kaiser everybody. Indeed. There she goes. Well, well, well. Did you guys have fun tonight?

And you know, we could end it now, and I would say that that's just an unbelievable episode, but instead, there's only one way to put a ribbon on a show like that. The man you are about to plie your eyes on has the record for most sets ever in the history of the show, most interviews ever in the history of the show, the longest length of time being a full-time member of the show. He's headlining all around the country, he's featuring for all your favorite comedians, ladies and gentlemen, the Memphis Strangler,

the Big Red Machine, the vanilla gorilla. This is William Montgomery! Since it's Memorial Day, I'd like it if we could observe a moment of silence for Red Bands mom. She got another cameo from me last night begging to move in and I had to tell her, I'm already with somebody. This ain't gonna work out bitch. This Memorial Day weekend has been kind of strange for me on cameo. My favorite was I ask a girl to marry a guy the worst was I told a dog he was being put

down. You're about to fucking die Ralph. Earlier today during a press conference when Biden was asked about Memorial Day, he responded, wait, who are you, where am I, what are all these tap dancers doing in here? In BA All-Star, John Moran has been suspended twice from the league for flashing guns in YouTube videos. And this past week, he was posting ominous tweets so they performed a welfare check. Shit, if John posts another gun video, a welfare check is going to be how he gets paid. It's another tap to answer to you. I'm kidding. Okay, that's my time.

Wow, what a force. Every single week for over five years. Unbelievable, you did it again. William Montgomery, how do you feel? You're in front of two of the greats, David Tell and Jeffrey Ross. It's very nice to see you all have either one of you ever had a sciatic nerve problem. I had a horrible one last year and I swear to God I was reaching down to pick up my two-pound dog a couple of days. Oh, it's a funny dough moose Trying to fun up in it, I bet

I'm gonna fuck up in it, I bet! But yeah, I was leaning down to pick up the sweet little dog and I busted my sciatic nerve again somehow, so now it's literally killing me. What do I do? You gotta stretch it out a little half-pinchin' pose. Just stretch it out. Yeah, go to, have Tony take it to yoga. It's true. He won't be so pale as well.

It'll be good for you. Get a little blood to that fucking doma ears. You might be able to memorize your jokes. I know. I don't know if that's ever going to happen. So it's shut. I should. But.

You'll be the real big red machine then. Yeah. What else is going on, Billy Boy? I went to a Dallas Vegas hockey game this past Tuesday and I got Vegas once and I don't really care but I guess I'm pulling for Vegas they want tonight. I saw your jersey. But yeah, I was sitting right up. I got tickets right up at the front by the penalty box, which was wonderful

But at one point in time a water bottle probably three fourths of the way filled up Rocketed less than a foot away from my head and hit the glass with just such violence I'm just happy it didn't hit my head and I swear to God I'm never gonna go to fucking pieces shit Dallas ever again. I mean those fans There's a bunch of fucking losers over there Like I had a really good time at the game, but I swear to God if that fucking bottle had smashed into the back of my head I would have pulled out the fucking gun. I had snuck into the arena. Whoa. And just started blastin'. Hee.

Wow. He really? That's where the God I would have killed people that night. If that had the back of my head. That was less joke, more fatwa. I mean, honestly. Yeah, I'm gonna wage a holy war on that motherfucker. The bottle has,

uh, uh. Wow. I mean, where do I even begin? Did you see the guy that threw the water bottle? Perhaps it was a woman? I didn't see. I immediately did my hat off and did my hands in the air and was fucking yelling and I couldn't tell what were you yelling? Can you show the people?

Who the fuck just threw their bottle? No, I'm not kidding. I don't have to play the fucking me. How many yelling can you show the people? Who the fuck does through up, nobody raised their fucking hands, and there's a bunch of a pussy's up in Dallas. I fucking can't stand Dallas anymore. Tell us more about what you hate about Dallas. Go, go, go, go, go, go, feel free to just rant about your hatred about that. There's a bunch of Native Americans there, weirdly enough. And normally I swear to God, I like some soos,

I like some arappos. Holy shit. Shit, I like some Apache's, but I swear to God, I don't know what kind of Native Americans they got running around all over Dallas. Hey, this isn't a Yellowstone audition. All right, so relax. Well, one of them killed my aunt a couple years ago.

I swear to God that one guy got his legs cut off. He literally, my aunt, literally, I think I've talked about it before. She literally got cut in half by a train. And it was some pieces shit like Chopta. I think it was a Chopta Indian. I think that's what's all running around in Dallas. So Tony, you could pay me the fucking go.

Tony, can you give this guy a blanket and get him out of here? I mean, honestly, taking on the chalk, ta- Good luck. It's a matter, Dave. Yeah, what's a matter? Yeah. What?

What? What's a matter? Nothing, buddy. How many times have you been tazered? That's what I want to know. I want to know. I want to know Twice weirdly enough one at a Indian reservation. I was fucking raising hell. How much does the cost on cameo? That's what I want to know how much does it cost on cameo like what's your cameo rate?

I want to know that well I was doing so many. Thank you seriously from the bottom of my heart if anybody's got one I genuinely so many. Thank you, seriously, from the bottom of my heart. If anybody's got one, I genuinely appreciated. I'm charging, I think, $275 right now. No way! I have 65 in the queue. For you, so yeah, it's like life-changing money. So I greatly appreciate it. I swear to God. First thing I'm going to do is go down the fucking tala hasi to that fucking casino run by those fucking Indians down there. Oh, save it for Columbus day. Come on. Holy shit. Buddy, you're letting all the great ones go. Just leave.

Just leave Chumash June 23rd. Oh, I guess we see who's throwing his hat in the ring for 2024. This guy. Yeah, hold on. What do you mean save it for Columbus Day? What is... Oh, whatever can deescalate the moment. I don't know. Listen, you're a young Harkonnen. And I know you came in here tonight.

The fans love you. The bands love you. They know just when to pop with you. How do you, after the show, how do you decompress from this kind of entertainment? What do you do, buddy? I'll be honest, I will probably end up going to Mitzies and I will sit behind Tony and just be tapping him on the shoulder

and just be like, Tony, how did I go tonight? I don't see that in a lot of the time. He refuses to look back at me and it puts my anxiety on total edge. No, I'm kidding. I don't know. Yeah, I stopped drinking. So I'll drink. I don't know what, six or seven soda waters with limes.

I see a guy throwing puppies off a bridge. I mean, really. You do have a new sweet little dog. How's the dog doing? It is a bear. It's going. She's doing really good Yeah, she's doing super good. I literally did hurt my back though picking her up the other day so

You know a lot of people heard the episode in which you played your new debut song sweet little dog and We've been getting reports that it's in a lot of people's heads it's considered very very catchy it is true it is true that I love my sweet little dog even though she screwed my back up on Sunday. I literally was hunched over for three fucking hours trying to pick her up, but I couldn't. Alright, he doesn't remember the words to his own hit song. You wanna, we need, you can.

Wow. You bought a sweet little dog yesterday, yesterday. Woo! Yeah, it's been like a month and a half now. Right. It has. I know, I can. See, it was going all right now.

I'm gonna be horrified when I walk off this. They say, why are you laughing? You dumbass. Red band. Getting his revenge. Fuck it. Get it! BOOM! Ah! Ah! Seriously, why is that so funny, Red Man?

Oh, here, you don't... You remember your hit song, man? Yeah, and it has like six words I bought a sweet little dog yesterday. Yes, okay. Well, let me try all right one two one two I bought a sweet little dog I bought a sweet little dog yesterday. Slow it down a little bit. I bought a sweet little dog yesterday. Now I'm kidding, I'm on the half of a... Hey, the remix.

Reba! The William Montgomery, a goddamn rock, start through, through, again and again and again and again. Mix the noise one more time for William Montgomery. Jeffrey Ross, Portland, August 4th and 5th, Detroit, September 29th, and the Boston Wilbert Theatre, September 30th. Both of them, bumping mics, June 23rd in Santa and these how-loud can this place get

for David Telegepro! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Gel Blaster, Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. Check out JohnDee's website, j-o-n-d-e-a-s.com, JohnDee's.com. Make sure you get tickets to the live stream of the 10-year anniversary, moment.co slashkiltony.

You can watch the 10-year anniversary live, Saturday, June 10th, at 8pm. It's gonna be a big crazy show Massive surprises massive announcements the new merch store kill merch.com is thriving the things that are sold out are being refilled Immediately Tony exclusive brand new kiltony merch on the lobby on your way out jeff Ross Can we wrap this up Dave has to get back to the bridge before the bats fly home Can we wrap this up Davis to get back to the bridge before the bats fly home? Thank you for having me, but

You need to be here and he showed up makes one more time for David tell everybody Thank you and one more time for one of my all time best friends that changed my life, Jeff Ross, everyone. Oh! What? What? What? What? Chris Rogers made a piece of art while we did this.

It's Michael Gonzalez. Look at that. Oh! The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in up tonight's episode. David Tell and Jeopardy. That is, okay, we're gonna find it. That's up on the screen right now on YouTube.

Check out my new comedy club, the Sunset Strips, SunsetStrip atetx.com. Yeah, all right, we love you guys. Thank you, good night. Woo! Woo! Yes, and one more time for the best damn man in the land, Michael Gonzalez! Paul Deemer! Demandness!

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McVader made posters, some Ryan J. E. Belt Art coming in soon, and Killtony stickers come with a lot of the purchases that you make. I personally love the Kiltoni NASCAR shirt, the Kiltoni hoodie with the established 2013 along the sleeve. Super cool stuff. We tested all of this out ourselves and made sure that it's a very high quality. There's cool, a cool KT tag on it with a knife and the logo on everything. Anyway, go to Killmurch.com.

You know what to do. Support the show. Buy some stuff. Look cool. Tell your friends, you know what's up. you