KILL TONY - #615 - THEO VON

Episode Date: June 27, 2023

Theo Von, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 05/29/2023–THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:HELLOFRESH.COM – Go to HELLOFRESH.COM/TONY16 and use code “tony16” for 16 free meals plus free shipping!—FIRSTLEAF – Sign up at FIRSTLEAF.COM/KILLTONY to get your first SIX bottles of wine for under $8 a bottle.

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to Killtony. Check out our website, Death Squad.tv, that has every past episode of Killtony. You can also click on Torridates and come see a live show. I now own a brand new comedy club here in Austin, Texas called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club and go to that website at sunsetstripatx.com. Come check out the show and say hi. Tony Hinchcliff has his own website, TonyHinchcliff.com. He's always on the road. He's going on tour.

Check out everything golden pony at TonyHinchcliff.com. Also, killmerch.com. That's the new official merchandise of the Kill Tony show. You got shirts, hoodies, hats, bandanas, posters, stickers, go to KillMurch.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony, giving up for Tony. It's Claire!

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Thanks some noise for our guest. It's the return of one of our favorites, a guy that I've been working with continuously for over a decade and a fucking half. We grew up together in a little incubation station called the Comedy Store. My brother from another mother, Theo Bond! The bass! And here we go.

Yes, good evening and welcome. Woo! We've done this dance a few times, my friends. One of our favorite guests in the show's 10 year history, Theobahn and Austin doing sold out theaters, filling up everywhere he goes on tour Theobahn.com this past weekend, all of his Netflix specials, but most importantly my comedy store slash straight up comedy brother Theobahn. How we feeling? Welcome back. Say hi to these people they love you.. Oh, yeah. Good evening. And yeah, thank you guys for having me in here. I'm excited to be here tonight.

Fuck yeah. Theo knows how it works. He's done the show many times. Even back when it was in the belly room. But now, over 200 people sign up. We have them all funneled, actually, no longer in the alleyway. An update is that they're all funneled into another bar now right next door.

It turns out the city of Austin didn't want 200 people in an alleyway, which is crazy because there's 800 people in other alleyways, but they really, for some reason, focused in on us. Can't even make this shit up. It's unbelievable. The homeless, the fucking everything, they're like, what about the creatives? What about these hopeful, hopeful people trying to live their dreams?

Let's stop this. Anyway, so they're all crammed into a bar. I pre-pull a name, someone runs out to the next bar. Good to make a phone. Literally says their name. They run out. They get behind the curtain. So I'm going to pre-pull that name now because we're actually going to start to the next bar, gets a megaphone, literally says their name, they run out, they get behind the curtain. So I'm going to pre-pull that name now because we're actually going to start up with

a golden ticket winner. Ladies and gentlemen, fans of the show, I'm going to tell you that you already know how it works. Comedians get 60 seconds, you hear the sound of a kitten. They do uninterrupted stand-up comedy during that time. If they go over that time, they get the West T super super gay West Hollywood bear happy pride month everybody by the way that cuts off their time and then I interview them and we all find out more about them we have a bunch of fun we try to figure out what makes them interesting what's fun about them

so you're not gonna believe this but Hans Kim who normally starts the show Past away this week I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I don't know. I don't know why I said that no he's in I'm sorry sometimes the darkness just Just comes out of me No, it's worse. He went to South Korea, everybody. He's in South Korea. You can't make this shit up.

He's in South Korea. And he's going to miss tonight's episode. But in his place, it is the young man who very well might eventually replace him full time as a regular on this show. This guy was made a golden ticket winner five years ago. When he was 21 years old in Houston, Texas. He's been crushing it ever since. Just started getting more and more spots here at the mothership. He's a fucking phenom. Ladies and gentlemen, makes him noise for one of the

guys who I truly believe might be one of the great future comedians of our time. The great Enrique Chacone! The Great Enrique Chacone. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Enrique Chacone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what's up, motherfuckus? Forgive it, I'm from El Salvador dog. If you don't know where El Salvador is at, don't fucking worry about it, dude. If you think it's Mexico, you got me fucked up, bro. But yeah, it's all my notes real famous for purposes, bro, to all my confused white people at the back, but pussas. You got to love that shit. It's like an organic hot

pocket, right? And you can stuff it with whatever you want, bro. Me cheese, bro, tobacco, dude, it don't fucking matter, dude. It's not pussas at the end of the day, man. But every time I told white dude the word puss ain't fucking matter, dude. It's so papusas at the end of the day, man. But every time I told why do the war papusas, bro, they immediately think it's like papusas, y'all. And it makes me so upset because it is. I'm papusas kinda like a papusas, cause like I said, it's a war pocket, right?

And sometimes it makes us salivate. And sometimes there's us salivate. And sometimes there's a little cheese, y'all, but that's OK. Oh, all of these things, she's the hard worker. That's all it means. Look, if you're offended by that joke, how dare you, bro, most of y'all nowadays won't eat the black part of an avocado. But you're down to eat some ass on the first day. Thank you.

Okay. Enrique Chacone. Appreciate it. One of the funniest 11-year-old girls in all of comedy, it is unbelievable. Just got my period, Tony. I love it. I love it. Right out of your Papusa.

Oh, yo shit. Got a little tomato dripping out of there, huh? Actually, we selling my papusa, tomato dripping out of there, huh? Actually, we sell him off of Pusa, two dollars in the lobby, bro. It's cheap. You are just such a little bundle of energy. I love you. Every single.

Is it pronounced Pupusa? Pupusa, Pupusa. I always thought it was Puposa for some reason. Oh, no. That's like, what Korean food that is? Puposa. I love it. And what are you, we? How do you get a shape like that? I want a lot of ass and a lot of antibiotics, bro

Oh, yeah Bucking Fighting on some nicotine pouches these white dudes without teeth. No, you know You eat nicotine pouches? No, I just put them in my gums, bro. I've been doing that shit a lot. Ever since I started working at a book, he's doing the fucking white dudes got me into it, bro.

They got you hooked on, yeah, they got me hooked. I tried dip at first, bro, but I'm not gonna lie. I started throwing up like I was deep throwing somebody dude and that shit was terrible. So I tried the little nicotine, but she was just nice and smooth. You don't say it accused me of, bro, he's my nipples hard, dog.

He's great. You are a sweet, sweet thing in Rika. You are just absolutely adorable. You have a girlfriend? Oh yeah, bro. We've been together for four years. Clap it up for that, bro. Applause.

Update, I'm actually thinking of our marry you're hurting this podcast, dude. I don actually thinking about marrying her in this podcast. Really? Yeah. Four years. What is she else Salvadorian? Oh, no bro, she is 6'1 and mix bro. My fucking wet dream.

Wait, what? She's 6'1 and mix. I don't talk about, I feel like a motherfucker could kiss the door if it didn't miss bro. You love me. I love this guy, man. He reminds me of like a young Roseanne Bar. Yeah.

Yeah. God damn. Roseanne Barrio. Thank you. I'll take it though. I'm still fuckable. I love it. Six foot two mixed.

And when you say mixed, you mean like black and white? Yeah. I'm still fuckable. I love it. Six foot two mix. And when you say mix, you mean like black and white? Yeah, black and white, bro. Wow, it's always been my thing. It's like the curly hair, like the early hair, bro. Yeah, I know I'm living the fucking dreams, huh?

Oh my god. All you wide-dose, any wide-dose women, bro. You want to get your shit together? Get a mixed girl, bro. Tell me, you know do's that anyway women bro? You want to get your shit together get a mix girl, bro? Wow, what happens You learn how to pay your rent bro You know you learn how to send food back from a restaurant, you know say start picking up stuff I had it to you better get this fucking asshole ranch out of here, bro. I'm gonna be some blue cheese, you know me

Just changes you wrong Makes you brave do God, I love it six foot one 69 with her and you're eating around she's sucking on your kneecap or something like that We say that she's sucking on this belly button, bro somewhere voting pussy She's like it on this belly button, bro. So we're voting pussy. Proposes.

Oh my goodness. And you're actually thinking about marrying her. Oh yeah, dude. What did she do for a living? She also a pharmaceutical company, bro. She's a bad bitch. I'm telling you, bro. Owns a pharmaceutical company.

She's a real ass drug dealer, bro. Got me real one, bro. Oh shit. She owns a real ass drug dealer bro. Got me one bro. Oh shit She owns a pharmaceutical company. Is she like competing? Yeah, what do you mean competing like I mean is she up there is she? Mederna she's calling the fucking shots, bro. It's this on Facebook marketplace Not yet. It's our CVS though. Whatever the shit she has, bro. Their mythology shit, bro.

Should vaginal creams and stuff, bro, y'all know. Is she making, she's making good money? Oh, yeah, she's making good money, dude. Yeah. I don't know. And I work at a book. That's incredible. That's incredible.

Honestly, I don't know how I pulled her, bro. I think that was my greatest achievement, bro. Getting a bad bitch like that, dude. She owns, I can't believe a guy's shape like you needs a sugarbama, but... Oh, I get a lot of sugar, so... He's gonna put you in a diabetic coma, dude. That's what's going on. Working at Bucky's. Look at you. You look more and more like the logo for Bucky's everyday.

That's true. Fuck you, bros. I appreciate it. Yeah, like a little sheep mump. Dude. Fuck you, not this way. Oh, appreciate it. Yeah, like a little sheep mump. A sheep mump? Oh, I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. That's fucking gooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo Oh! There he goes. The whole definition. Future Legend. Yeah.

Current Legend. You guys got this, see, I'm live. Follow me on Enrique Comedy. Love y'all. Enrique Chico and everybody. Enrique, put that mic on the red X for me, will ya? Okay, we pre-pulled the name out of the bucket. You're first comedian.

We're gonna meet them all together. Now, for those of you that might not know anything can fucking happen This could be we discover a legend or it could be a completely insane fucking person that You know we all feel might kill us at any moment but anything can happen We give everyone a fair shot here. So here we go your first bucket pull of the night 60 seconds of uninterrupted Stand-up comedy time goes to Kyle Roberts everyone here's Kyle Makes the noise for Kyle Roberts everybody making his kill Tony debut I'm woke

I'm woke y'all I don't use any gender language. For instance, I used to work at a restaurant. I don't call them bus boys. I call them Guatemalans. The other day, the other day, a woman accused me of toxic masculinity. I said thank you, because that was the first time anyone said I was masculine. masculine Lot of gay rumors Well a lot of people think I'm gay and I call those people the guys I have sex with. That's right. That's right. Fuck yeah, absolutely. Kyle Roberts. Welcome to the show, my friend.

Very good. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. All of it here in Austin, Texas. Two years in Dallas. I moved to your last summer. Lovely. Lovely, lovely.

How do you survive? What do you do for work? I work at Chewley's Text Mix. Oh, wow. That's a lot of fans here. Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's a chain, right? Yeah, yeah.

I work in the one on William Cannon. Oh, okay. Well, if we ever want to... That's a... There's Chewley's for the O. William Cannon Drive, out there. What would the proper exit be for that? William Cannon Drive.

But I mean, like what freeway? I don't know the names of the famous. You don't know the closest freeway to where he works? I can barely. Well, Mo Pat, thank you. Thank you, Deez. Thank you so much. Deez is my GPS and my DMX at the same time.

That's a little John. That's so racist that he does that. What? You're so racist. I've never seen anything that racist in my life, these. Then you getting DMX and little John confused. OK. Kyle, I love it. and Lil Jon confuses. Statistics and stuff so like I read the almond ax and stuff like that. Wow Also like golf okay, all right. What's your love life like are you really gay? No, okay?

You just you just do a bunch of jokes about being gay basically. Yeah, my brother right there with you I've lived for 16 years off Actually, I'll net, I ain't never gonna stop. You know what I mean? I have a new, I wrote a new one this week. It's like my magnum opus gay joke. I wrote it well basically last week, but. Do you catch yourself saying,

I'm you're never gonna stop all the time? Never, that was, I literally was about to say, and I'm never gonna stop, and then I switched it, because I'm like these fucking idiots and know what I'm talking about. Okay. Kyle, tell us something about you that would surprise us. So, I actually, earlier this year, I got arrested,

I got a DWI, I was totally sober though, I swear to God. Right, yeah, you're just driving, reading, and all my, yeah, you're just driving, reading an almanac, and swirving all over the place. Yeah, I've been sober six years, but I gotta DIY like four months ago. Explain to us how you gotta DIY while being completely sober. Well, I don't wanna like, incriminate myself, but come on, come on, you can't get in trouble here.

Been over six months. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, phones are locked up. It's not gonna be on the internet. I mean, I was doing Uber Eats here. Been over six months. Yeah. Yeah, phones are locked up. It's not going to be on the internet. I was doing Uber Eats. That was my old job. They can't do it now because I got charged. But yeah, I guess I was like, you know how like flash.

I didn't know this. I'm not a good driver. I didn't know like flashing reds. You were supposed to stop. So I just like, pad through it. Wait, just suck a hold on. Hold on, hold on. What?

What did you think flash a gredmet? I thought I was like, slow down a little bit. Look around. Stop, shino. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Kyle, what do you think of flashing oranges? Hit the gas?

I guess so. I thought they were basically the same thing. What? Yeah. I like, yeah, I'd never really took a driving course, so you're supposed to. It's like the law and stuff. Yeah, I went to one of those third party things. They were just like, fuck it, you got a license.

Wow, the third party. You look like you wouldn't be invited to any party. That's incredible. You got to fight it Wow, the third party. You look like you wouldn't be invited to any party. That's incredible. You got to fight it at three. All right. Sakai, you're not gay. What's your love life life?

It's a little bit of a struggle right now. You on the dating sites? A little bit. Actually, the last person, I got a number from some girl at my job series. To the therapist. No. I could use that.

But she was way too young. She was what? Way too young. Like, what do you mean? I mean... Well, if you're going to be a successful comedian... Right. You're going to have to reframe some of your...

I mean, I didn't have a problem with this. She probably had a problem with how old I was. But she was, no, no, not like that. What do you mean, what do you mean, what? Andrew, you sound like a real creep. And it's okay, you're not a bad guy. Thank you. Thanks, too. She'd take her out for lunchables.

Like, what it was the day? Well, she ordered a Shirley Temple. That's not what's a bad sign. Thanks, Theo. She take her out for Lunchables? Like, what it was today? Well, she ordered a Shirley Temple. That's not was a bad sign. Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh, whoa. How old was she? 75.

Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. She's too young for him. He's into very old ladies. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Where did you meet this super young girl? She was, I Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness. Where did you meet this super young girl? She was, I waited on her.

She was my table. Oh, my goodness. Oh, wow. That was the first time. I've had dudes like giving their number. That was the first girl that I ever gave me their number. Oh, yeah. Oh, my goodness.

That is incredible. So what did you, how did you know how old she was? Well, I texted her afterwards, and she asked me, she thought I was 19. I was like, I lied about my age, but I didn't lie that much. I thought I was 25, so I don't know. How did you lie about your age, dude? You're a straight male.

I don't hold on a second. Wait, you lied to her about your age? Yeah, but I didn't lie enough, I guess. How old are you? We're gonna solve a crime here tonight, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, entering the room, Chris Hansen, everybody. How old are you in real life?

I just turned 30. You just turned 30. And she texted, you a text her, then she texts back, how old are you? Yeah, and I was like, guess You just turned 30. And you were text her, then she texts back. How old are you? Yeah, and I was like, guess. I was hoping. Oh, that's so gay.

Oh my god, I think it's even worse than lying about your age and saying, guess, before you lie about your age. Guess, because you're not going to be right. No matter what you say. Oh my goodness. Okay. All right. So it ended there. Basically. How old was she? Did you find it? She was 20, which isn't I'm bad at, but like... She seemed like a young 20.

I was being the bigger person. I thought I was being... Maybe you think maybe she was lying about her age. It's possible. Wow, this is frightening and disgusting. I love it. OK. What's the biggest age gap that you've ever had with a girl older? Older? Older?

Yeah. Never older. Never older. That's something you're not into. Just happened that way. Have you ever made out with a cougar? No. Never?

No. Is there a cougar in the audience that's willing to make out with this guy? Who wants to make out with a cougar? No. Never? No. Is there a cougar in the audience that's willing to make out with this guy? Who wants to make out with a- come on, there's gotta be one lady, so there's gotta be a fan of the show willing to fuck it. Oh no one wants to admit there a cougar, okay, is there a hot chick over the age of 35? Come on, the whole crowd will go crazy if you do it. You'll make our night. No one wants to make out with an almost pedophile.

What's going on here tonight? What kind of world do we live in? All right, dude, the street continues for you. Congratulations, though. I liked your jokes. I'm giving you one of these big, awesome joke books by the great Bones Eye, availableailable at Killmerch.com. The show goes on, rolling along smoothly.

One more time for Kyle Roberts, everybody. This is the craziest show on planet Earth. Your next comedian that was free pulled out of the bucket works here at the comedy mothership. She gets pulled out a lot. Ever since Balkan gas company, she's worked at the club where the show happens. One of our favorite top young rising comedians in the world. Here's a new minute from the great Genevieve everybody. It's Genevieve.

Restructure out of the old ball game. One more time for Genevieve everyone. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, like, hey, you know that movie Django? I said, yeah, she said, is it messed up that I still finally and not on the caprio's character sexy even though he said, all the niggas. I said, hey, go to follow me and call it therapist immediately. And then I kiss my wife, boyfriend, tonight. It's cool, day in the white dude. Day in the white dude feels like 50% reparations. And 50% damn, he got me. It's cool day in white dudes though, because he blocks me from bad white people, and I block him from the sun. It's been my time, y'all.

Thank you. Wow, exactly one minute from the great GenoVeeve who's been with us in Austin for years now, originally from Detroit, your back, crushing. How do you feel? Feel fucking amazing, man. You kind of look like a country clerk can type situation. Not to rose, but I'm just saying I was complimenting. Thank you.

Ha-ha-ha. Very fun, Genebieve. I love what you're talking about. It is true. You do have a white boyfriend. What do you meet? What do you meet a white ad or whatever? I know.

They're so scarce Just picked them outside Yeah, I was like hey you'll do I love it, Genevieve. Absolutely awesome. Always, always, always a great new minute. Loved the bipolar joke, loved the white guy black guy stuff. Oh yeah, no, that's my own note. So you had a white, no, you had a white, I wanted to ask you.

Have you ever had a black boyfriend? I was dated a 50 yearold when I was 26. Oh, that's right. That's when I was trying to get out of the last comedian, but he's never had anything like that before. What was that like? It was cool for a little while, but then I found out that he tricked me.

We were both truck drivers, and I know that he was dependent on me to keep trucking, and I had goals to get out and do comedy, so I was like, the same going work. He wanted to keep you to keep trucking, and I had goals to get out and do comedy, so I was like, the same going work. He wanted to keep you in the truck with him. Yeah. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

That is interesting. So like you guys would, yeah. You guys, and he was a long haul trucker. His dick was big. Oh, dang it. Oh. Mm. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Mm. Mm. Mm. Yep. Mm. I don't want no dumb old big dick. Mm. Would you guys ever do things to each other while the truck was in motion?

I used to have nightmares that the truck was in motion and I woke up and then I was in had night, daydream nightmares because I'm like, he's old as fuck. What were some of the physical downfall or tribulations that you went through with an older man? He can't pee directly in the toilet. Oh, yeah, that's a big one. And with there was a toilet on the truck? No, guys have an easy truck driving.

They can just whip it out and pee and just avoid cops. That's all. P and avoid cops? That's all you got to do, whip it out and pee and just avoid cops. That's all. P and avoid cops. That's all you got to do, whip it out and avoid cops. P out side. You just stop the truck, get out and pee outside. Sometimes why is rolling? I'd imagine if you're a trouble making it.

This is a new rolling baby. Yeah. I believe it was the great Fred Durst that once said, keep rolling, rolling, rolling, rolling. What? Keep rolling, rolling, rolling. It could have been Kid Rock. I might be pulling a John Dees right now and this is some- Getting my white guys mixed up.

Well, I know, I know you'll be loving this shit right here. No, I'm kidding. No way, no way, no way, no way, no way, no way, no. I know. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So you stop it.

I'm not going into Limpiscate tonight. No. No, it's not happening. No. All right. Genevieve, I love your style. I've seen you do so many new minutes. You're very lucky.

You get pulled out of the bucket a lot for how many people have always been signing up. It's incredible. I feel like the universe here in Austin wants you to be doing stand-up comedy. And you're originally from Detroit, right? It's right with the show. How far is that from Royal Oak, Michigan?

Very not far. Very not far. Very not far. OK. All right, Carmen Sandiego. What does very not far mean? Just like 15 minutes. OK. And you're from Detroit.

You have family there and stuff? Have they ever seen you perform in a massive theater there? Ah, no. Well, I am doing the Royal Oak fucking some crazy theater. It's about to add another show. It's happening in the beginning of August. It's about to add another show. It's happening in the beginning of August. You want to open up that show for me in your hometown? Ladies and gentlemen, I'm flying Ginny Veeve back home.

To perform in a giant venue. I can't remember what the name of it is. What is it? Huh Sure, you want a notebook? Don't you already have one? What are you selling them on the black the black market? That is going to be yeah yeah, the Royal Oak Music Center, August 12th. And if she has a passport, she might as well come to Genevieve, come back. Get Genevieve back out here. Genevieve, step up to that microphone.

Do you have a passport? You do? Get back on that microphone. It turns out the night before I have to do two shows in the Queen Elizabeth theater in Toronto, Canada. You want to do those two? Yeah, yes. Alright, Chinneby for a whole weekend. Stole out theaters! Uwaaah! Uwaaah! Uwaaah! Uwaaah! Oh, yes. David back there?

Is he back there? No? Okay, make some noise for your next comedian. I pulled out of the bucket a second ago. This is definitely his first time on the show. I would know if I'd seen this name before. Make some noise for Matt the W. Matt the W. Matt the W.

I'm between religions. Right now between the Jews, the Catholics, and the Fibrecynation of Visan, which believes white man is the devil. I'm also leaning towards the nation. I don't think I'm going to get that big of a role in any other religion. I'm not on Tinder, but I am on Facebook Market. I recently matched with the squirrel. I thought it was going to be a date she thought she was buying a television. Spent half an hour twisting my nipple trying to change the channel. AI technology is nuts. There's come out the new notorious B.I.G. song. I mean

my friend discovered this website where you type into an AI, OK, right up funny paragraph. And it's the most racist shit you ever heard. We live our asses off. Then you go, right up funny rap. The most anti-Semitic stuff, it's so funny. But it also comes in handy, because I'm not too good at talking on girls. So I'll just write type of sexy paragraph, send it. You'll send back, you creep. I'll time to AI type in apology and

It works All right, that's math the W everybody over his time. Hello, Matt. Hello, Tony. Welcome. This is your first time on the show, right? First time very nervous. Okay. All right and plus the Down syndrome. I'm sure is affecting you deeply, right? You know that doesn't affect the set as much as you think it would actually helps I know in the hat-hide some of it It does It does That that whoa. Oh, all right. There it is I wasn't joking about the nation of Islam. I'm really a member

So if you guys want to join. Okay. It's cool. Okay. It's cool. Okay. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool.

It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool.

It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. It's cool. I love it. Matt the W. So are you upstate New York or New Jersey? Long Island. Oh, wow.

I would have guessed wide island. Look at you. Yeah, I met Matt the W. So you're just visiting? Oh, no, I love here. I moved here in February. What made you move here in February? Honestly, my buddy just told me he was moving down here. He said, you know, I need to know the roommate.

And so I helped on the opportunity to move out of my parents' house. Oh, you were in your parents' house still? Yes. Okay. What? How old are you? About to turn 28 and two days. 28. So you've always lived with your parents? Oh, yeah. Okay, and you love it.

I hated every second of it, but I had to... What else you're gonna do when you have no money? Okay, why don't you have any money? Fast food worker and dropped out of school. If anyone's watching this, please go to school. You don't want to work and make Donald's. There you go. Why is words from Matt, but W everybody.

If we could clip that, if we could just clip that, it could be the ad for this episode. Have you ever thought about upgrading to an Applebee's or something? Honestly, they won't take me. So why won't they take you? What do you need to work at Applebee's that you don't have?

I have. First off, don't be a member of the nation of Vislan. They won't hire you. Wait, wait, wait, wait. I stopped paying attention for one second, and I looked up you were talking about Islam again. What's going on over here? Honestly, I'm just a big fan of hip-hop,

and a lot of my favorite rappers are intonation of Vislan, so I'm aware that why people are considered the devil in the nation of Vislan, so I'm just happy to take on the role and do my part for the black people. What? Wait, are you being serious? Is this a comedy character that you're doing? Demandist loves it by the way. I'm pretty sure I'm slowly finding out that he's one of the black It's out on it. No, what is it about? Where is nation of Islam? Oh, no. No. That is good.

Can we find that on it? I'm going to ask my GPS DMX, Lil Jon, over here. Do you know where the nation of Islam is located? No, I'm serious. Where is it? Iran. I ran. Or Chicago. So what is this thing that you do?

Do you believe this? Do you have any black friends? I have one or two. OK. How do you not know if you have one or two, though? Right. Yeah. Well, the second there's blacks around, I know how many there are. So let's do some math here.

Do you have one or do you have two? What's the first one's name? We know you have one. What's his name? My first one's name? We know you have won. What's his name? My first one's name is my first Shaky territory Fast food slow answers you know what I'm saying I said I get a repeat that I'm not for sure

For the record his name is Low-Loco. Low-Loco? Uh, I'm sorry to break the news to you. That's a Mexican. Um. Hey, yo, I'm your black friend, dude. I'm Low-Loco. Dude, I'm totally black. Yo, soy el negro! Oh, my God.

You guys are making me homesick. Just like him. Wow, amazing. I love it. No, we're glad you're here. It's hard to do. Yeah, going up for your first time, it's a tough thing to do, man.

And I thought you did a pretty good job. I think, you know, especially with you guys, you know, well, you know, when I heard Tony was doing this, I actually first saw you on getting Doug with high. Okay. When I heard you're doing Kill Tony, I was like, I recognize you, I was like, oh my God. Okay, okay, okay.

You can do something for the culture. Okay, thank you. Oh my God. It is pride, Mon. It is true. This is my God. It is Pride Month. It is. It is true. This is my month. This is my month.

God damn it. And it rained. It rained during our parade the other day. I don't know if you guys know this. But fucking, we were doing our parade. I'm out there with all my gay friends and we're just out there doing gay shit and we're doing our parade

and it starts downpouring on us. God is just like, fuck you. Splash. All right, some Matt, let's talk about it. Craziest thing about you. What do you think is the craziest thing? I know what we think, but what do you want to know? We want to know what you think.

Um, yo, I'm your average guy from Long Island. I, uh, no, you're not. Ehh! Now what the, uh, oh for one so far, let's see. Being from Long Island, when I was a kid, just going in school, I was at a terrible stage fright. There was no time to get over the stage fright. And comedy ended up being that thing, surprisingly. And just moving forward in comedy, going from sucking to being alright

to what you just saw, you know, with... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, No, well the second bit was good. I think it was all right. Yeah. Matt the W. Why Matt the W? Why is that your name? It's my rap name. Wait, you rap? Oh my God. Thank you, Jesus. My god, thank you Jesus All right, what kind of beat do you want look at look at these and tell them what kind of beat you on fucking Tell them what you want We're gonna find out I have a feeling math the W might have a calling anybody that still works in fast food. I think I was a fucking Oh shit Right into the tip of that mic good and loud We're removing manifest let the hammer pass so much could teach a master class Yeah, I'm about my cash back with another smash better than the last put your lump last

They don't like us. Yes, we too right. So got it on the mind us. I had to jack the price up Who's more sketchy the hustle or the customer was getting money the other moving funny ah Yo, I'm the Joe Krafta flowcaster smoke master Joe smasher yo For disaster when they pretend to be my friend the night standing toe tag yeah, host disasters Yo when they try to be my friend um Hose Zest is, you know, when they try to be my friend. Um, yeah. Yeah. Wow.

We found your talent. You're a rapper. Yeah. I think you're gonna rap the rest of your life. Burgers. At burger joints. Yeah, that was good burger. Biggy Mac.

Biggy Mac. Yeah. No. It's really weird, because before I came up here, I was on the phone with my grandma. She has a whole different opinion on me than you guys. What's your grandma? What's your grandma say about this? You can get rid of her, easy.

Yeah. Oh, man. Oh, man. Huh? No, you have the money. You have the money. You have the power to do it. If anybody could do it.

What is your grandma say about your talents? She just says, you know, Mac, keep hitting the open mics, keep going to the shows, you're so funny, that's what you got to do. You just don't get a tattoo. She's right. Don't get attached to. That was the next thing out of my mouth. All right, man. You have brave dude, man.

I like your attitude, Mack. No doubt. Matt the W. You're leaving here with a medium sized joke book from the great bone-side. There he goes. Matt the W, ever you want. Congratulations, Matt.

All right, pulled into the name out of the bucket. Matt the W every one Congratulations Matt All right pulled into the name out of the bucket make some noise for Daniel Bolaska's everybody here We go we're gonna meet them all together Daniel Bolaska's Oh, yeah, what's up, man? My favorite part about living crippled is that I could lie to you and you sort of like have to believe me. Right? Like, you used to talk to people like I heard in a rack, but like now it's how I was crippled

after getting the COVID vaccine. It's fun, dude. I don't really date this simple woman though because gross. Right, there's nothing personal. There's just something about like bagging a non to say, we'll check. So like, makes me feel like I beat God. It's cool, man. I'm dating right now. My girlfriend's cool. She used to be like nicknames a lot, but she like gives me like disabled nicknames. Like she calls me like speed racer.

And then she like refers to my legs like the twin towers. The fuck up things, I'm kind of into it, honestly. But then one time she did like, take it a little bit too far, man. She just went like, I want you to fuck me so hard that I walk like you tomorrow. Wow! Tomorrow. Wow. The Killtony debut of Daniel Velasquez. Holy shit. Holy shit. Nothing but rhythm and jokes and pacing and timing and focus and execution.

It's like that's the most disrespectful thing. Oh, you're still going. Anyone's ever said to me. Oh shit Oh, he just doesn't stop and then I came harder Never have in my life, man Yeah, I'm so fucking looly going out on his own terms Absolutely incredible the Killtony debut of Daniel Velasquez. Welcome. Hey, what's up Tony? Hell yeah, good to see you buddy. Good to see you man. How long you've been to in stand up? About two and a half years. Okay, absolutely. I love it. All here in Texas.

Yeah, just out of San Tonya man. I love it. That's where you're born and raised. Yes sir. That's why you leaned to the right. Yes sir, we got the number one pig baby. That's why you leaned to the right. Yes sir, we got the number one pig baby. Yes sir. Didn't get the laugh I thought I was gonna laugh. He leans to the right like politically and physically. Thank you, thank you so much. Thank you.

Okay. Yeah, you can take that. It's actually not as good as your jokes. Just keep doing what you're doing Daniel. No, it is. So what do you do for work? Right now I'm on the floor at HPA, news producer for a local station,

but I'm actually getting ready to move to Austin pretty soon. I love it, congratulations. You have a place picked out? Yeah, me and a couple other comedians are coming up here pretty soon, couple of months from now. So yeah, we're excited, man. Wow, I love it. It's a crew of you and San Antonio comedians coming.

Yeah, a couple guys that I think are really, really funny that are coming up, so. I love it, yeah. Okay, cool. And you've been doing it two and a half years. You're unemployed right now. How you survive and if you're unemployed, how you making big moves?

You know, I'm really good. I'm, you're a disabled person, like you have to adapt. And so I've always had to adapt, like whether it's like, comedy or like, making money. Oh, de-madness just made a noise. Like these disabled people are bitches, dude. I did, he literally was just like, I've never heard him make this noise before.

D, born without the ability to literally see is like, Stavio Bitchet. Born without the ability to literally see his like stovio bitch I fucking love this man Hey man, baby. I caught you making a noise under your breath, dude That is so funny. That's just gonna show you there's like the hate never ends You know what I mean? Just a disabled guy just In deep madness is like, fuck you. No, there's nothing wrong. There's nothing worse than like a struggling disabled person.

Right. Like for sure. Like that's why for me, before I did comedy, like I was heavily involved in the Paralympics. OK, where were you doing in the Paralympics? First of all, if you don't know what the, it's like the regular limbi is for funnier? Yeah, absolutely.

No, it's hilarious. It's like the funniest, that's a special limbi. Right. But yeah, I was a, right. The Paralympics is the kind of funny version. Yeah. Right. It's like the, I'm not gonna say,

all right, I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna I'm not gonna hate for no reason Yeah, I was a I was a sprint to man for oh My god, oh my god How about your future ass in a race shut that you would eat my ass in a race? I think so honestly, oh dude. Let me tell you something bro Let me tell you something dude. I Let me tell you something, dude. I would show. You might think, oh Tony's funny.

He'll probably show some mercy on me. He'll probably jog a little bit, and then we'll let me catch up. Nope. Motherfucker, I will leave you in the straight up fucking dust, dude. Oh, calm down, dude. No, I will not.

I will not. I will not. I will not let a guy fucking Wobbling around wobbling around talking shit Where in a fucking diaper and shit it ain't happening dude broke God wrote his legs in cursive dude give him a break That's why he shouldn't be challenging Sorry for my friends. Athletes. I'm sorry.

Sorry, they can't. They can't. They can't. Oh, my God. Yeah. Yeah. Listen up times, New Roman. You guys are cute together, aren't you? Yeah, we would be. We'll send up Times New Roman.

You guys are cute together, aren't we? Yeah, we would be. We would be. Kersif and a capital I come together at once. Alright guys, that's enough. We've done enough picturing this race. Where did y'all get that bell chime thing? That was fucking unbelievable. We've done enough picturing this race It's just it's just him running slow motion. I'm in normal motion in the video That's a normal pace all right, didn't you watch?

Did you win the Paralympics? What do you guys win, like chocolate coins or something like that? How many feet did you go? No, that's kind of the worst part. I trained for that for like 16 years and then I went to one world championships and won bronze. You know how weird it is, like trained your whole life and then like,

you're not even the best to say we're person. That is true. That is true. Like, that's a real stain on my family's name. Yeah. Yeah. They must have been so disappointed. I love it.

Daniel, what else are you into? You seem like a really, how old are you? 27? Yeah, you seem like a cool fucking guy What else tell us more about you? This is an incredible first impression. You're leaving here Yeah, man I mean I like my whole thing is like when you just say with like Everybody like no matter what my first judgment is gonna be how like I walk and how I look So like I always want to live a life bigger than that if I can And so yeah, this is the whole thing, man.

I fucking love your style. That's why I bag 10s, dude. That's... Oh, shit! Hold on. He's talking about 10 items or less and they make the state give him that job. So, but it counts baby. You could get a job at the Applebee so bad. No man, I'm excited. Yeah, I'll tell you did a great job man. I'm making the move up to a city where you can do more comedy, man. That's awesome. Thank you so much. And you've been doing it two and a half years.

When are you planning this big move to Austin, Texas? When's it going down? Uh, two weeks from now, man. Two weeks from now. Yes, sir. You think you're going to go back to visit sometime? Of course, yeah. It's only an hour away.

Yeah. I know this sounds crazy because I just met you. And I've only seen you do one minute of stand-up comedy. But if you want, I'm gonna give you a fucking little five minute guest spot August 18th at the Tobin Center in San Antonio, Texas. I hope you love that. Fuck yeah.

Is that a good venue? Yeah. You better have four more minutes. Four more minutes. Four more minutes. four more minutes. Four more minutes. Four more minutes. Four more minutes. Have you ever been to the Tovins Center? Yeah, yeah, I've been there.

I just was there. What have you seen there? I just saw John Mulaney there. Well, there you go. That's what you're going to be on that fucking state. Let's go. Let's go. You got Daniel Velestas, August's go. Let's go. You got a Daniel Velasquez, August 18th. Oh, that's pretty much it.

And take a big jokebook. Ready? Paralympics. Ah! God dammit. Perfect. Hello, can this place get for Daniel Velasquez every day? Right there, but before we die!

That was beautiful. It was beautiful. That's the type of magic that happens here. One second, you have a fast food worker that can barely wrap the next dreams come true. And I'm gonna be honest with you guys, you guys are at a little bit of a wacky episode. I didn't really, I didn't find out that Hans Kim was in South Korea

until five minutes before the show started. I found out 15 minutes into the show that David Lucas isn't gonna make it tonight. So to overcome and say it as a special treat, here to work out a new bit live in front of you, the man that moved me here, Austin's own Ron White. I'm gonna have it, I'm gonna hit it. I shit my pants on the golf course today. Let me walk you through that.

I got back from California and I had a stomach virus, but I promised I would play in a charity event and I fucking showed up for it and I felt like that if I farted for like 15 minutes I would be about good pressure wise right I've bloated and And I felt the fart coming but it wasn't and here's the deal Here's the problem of being 66 years old. You know that shut off valve that you got down there It's slower than it used to be Not by much a 16th of a second. And it sends a signal to your brain that says, you're about to shit your pants. But the fact of the matter is, you've alreadyitt your pants.

Straight down both legs of my brand new, new, new lemons. Yeah, that's the great run white everybody. That is how you fucking do it. Just a little clinic from the surgeon general of stand-up comedy Austin's own Ron mother fucking white I was all cozy up in the green room wait to see how these shrubs are gonna land green room, wait to see how these shrubs are gonna land. And Yoni came up there and pulled me off the bench. You go, nobody showed up, go do it.

Ha ha ha. What an honor. And it's literally all because of this man that everything is happening. He showed Joe around when Joe came to visit and they rolled out the red carpet when I came to visit. We told everybody, and so this is where it all started fucking I swear to God it all leads back all the red fucking yarn leads back to Ron White in the middle of

this revolution in beautiful Austin Texas and I gotta tell you I don't personal know this club has missed so much to me because that was ready to quit. And it wasn't really, I just didn't like doing Santa but anymore, but I just couldn't travel anymore for 38 years. And this place gave me a place to come and just play with my craft with some great comics, and also providing opportunities for these young comics

to come out and make a name for themselves. And also to make a living. A lot of, I'm sure people don't know this, but in this club, 80% of the money that comes to the door goes to the comedians. It doesn't go to pay the bills. It goes to pay our bills. Yeah.

And that's an amazing thing for Joe to do for us, for all of us. Yeah. A place that we can grow and fucking flourish. It's all unbelievable. And also to have Kiel Tony broadcast right out of Austin, Texas. Yeah. The funnest show. A man, baby.

And I got to sit up in that balcony on Monday nights and watch the show because I think it's the most entertaining thing going on. And what is it you say? I always say that having Ron on Monday night and watch the show because I think it's the most entertaining thing going on and what is it you say? I always say that having Ron White watching this show from the balcony is like having Jack Nicholson watching the LA Lakers. It's the coolest thing on planet earth. One of the great honors of my life is being friends and getting to be peers With the great Ron White ladies and gentlemen. He did this as a gift to all of us. Make some fucking noise for Ron White. Come on!

Thank you! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers! Cheers!

Cheers! Just a little Austin fucking nuclear treat for you out of fucking nowhere. Normally, that's a goddamn $65 ticket right there for that awesome dude. He's from Texas. He's from French French Texas See from French Friedrich Friedrich. He's from

Friedrich. No, he know he's from French Fritch Fritch is big Fritch where is he. Fritch. Fritch is big. Fritch. Where is he? Fritch, right? Yeah. Okay.

Little wick. He's from Fritch. Whoa. Little wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, wick, huh? Let's see, anything can happen. Let's give him a chance. We've already seen a miracle here tonight. Let's see if it can happen again. Make some noise for straight out of the bucket. We're going to meet them all together.

Colton James, everybody. Colton James. Here we go. Come on, make some noise for Colton, everybody. Come on. Oh, shoot! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

I was reading an article about David Draman from Disturb the other day. It turns out he actually runs the equivalent of five miles during a single performance of Disturb Set. Kind of makes you wonder why he doesn't just, ooh, ah, ah, ah, ah. Good. I love David Draman.

He's an upstanding member of the bald community. I think it's important that there's good bald voices out there doing good work for her. You know, it's bald and beautiful, it's okay to be bald. Going bald is not a crime. Good. People talk to you crazy when you're bald. The other day this guy walked up to me. We weren't talking before this and he said, hey man, be honest with me.

What's stopping you from cutting the rest of it off? That's crazy, you could only say that to me, right? You could never walk up to, I don't know, a trans woman would be like, Hey sister, be honest with me. What's stopping you from cutting the rest of it off? It would be inappropriate to say that's what I'm saying. Be really mean.

The other day I went to sports clips and it took him 45 minutes to give me a haircut. This haircut, not this wasn't a few years ago. As my friend, she's in school, she said, sometimes when a guy's bald, we take a little extra time so he doesn't feel like he's as bald as he really is. Colton James, welcome. It's actually Colton Jones, but I appreciate the attention.

Absolutely, well, you know, you have shitty handwriting, but that's what that is. That's how the show works. If you have shitty handwriting, even just for a second, that your name is totally different. I'm left-handed, but I got an A in penmanship when I was in the eighth grade. So, you know, this was... Eightth grade. Wow. Look at that. Wow.

Take this education system. We're still grading pinmanship in the eighth grade. Okay. All right, Colton. Okay. Relax, Colton. I'm not saying that you're a serial killer. But you gotta look. If you were a serial killer, how would you kill people?

I would play one on TV and then commit the exact same crime as while I was doing it, so everybody would think there was a copycat and it wasn't really me. That's smart. Oh. Wow. Watch out.

That was the fastest answer all night that we've gotten to a question. It was unbelievable. You've really pictured this. Yes, yes. Oh my god, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh.

Yes. All right, all right, cool. Then you're very loud. What do you do for work? I get a paycheck from Brian Redband to Way Tables, actually. Really? Sunset strip comedy.

Oh, wow wow oh my goodness And also I act I also you know do comedy I do a lot of uber driving during the day I'd like to get a barista job barista, you know, just something during the day. I can get off at like 4 p.m Barista My handwriting is that's hilarious barista Barista. Because my handwriting is that hilarious. Barista? Barista.

Is that that you should go in and say, I would like to be a barista? Barista. OK. Colton. Colton, I'm a coffee. I don't know. I've never seen someone that's both charming and frightening before.

Somehow you pull off both. Thank you. It's incredible. What's your love life like? I feel like you make a lot of eye crunch. I have more. Okay, you go ahead right now. I want the answer before I'm done with with the question. I want you to just get right into it. I have more consensual sex than anyone in this room. It's probably thinking that I have. I think I do pretty good for myself. I can't. I get the feeling that you like

have them sign something before you the way you say consensual. You're like, how do you just have them sign something like I can do you say consensual, like you're like, how do you? You just have them sign something, like I can do anything I want to, and then you just fuck them. You're like, how do you do that? Nope. Nope. Nope.

When you say you've had more consensual, what does that mean to you, consensual? I just feel like people see a doughy guy, light hairline, you know, it's going away on me, but like you said, I'm both charming and frightening, and I, you know, I can make it work. I can make it work. How do you do that?

Can you explain to us how you make it work? I like, I ask a lot of you questions, kind. How many you questions do you ask before you brutally rape somebody? I'm, yeah, shut up with your groans. Yeah. After all we've been through you guys are gonna start groaning now. Yeah. It would be fine if I rapes somebody, okay? Is that not what you were saying? No. Okay, sorry I misunderstood. No. A lot of people

trying to make me an accessory to a crime tonight. I don't know if you guys are watching it. Sorry I must have missed it. People have been finding out how much money we've been making lately and they're going in for the fucking old Sui Megui over here. I did actually play a serial killer on TV once. You did? What show? Murder made me famous. It shows on the Reels Network. I was the son of Sam Killer. Was it a reality show?

No, it's like a... reality show? No, it's like a Got you I got you good on that one. Oh, he really did I Got him he heard my feelings in me, y'all laugh. Yep, Mr. Jones and me. I played the son of Sam But I had to wear a wig. Okay. All right. Son of Sam, who's? The son of Sam, he was a guy like 80s Brooklyn.

He was, you know, he really originalized like the lover's lane killer. You know, he just walked up to like a young couple making out in a car and just got him both up. Wow, you make it sound like it was adorable. Yeah. I thought it was like it was adorable. Yeah. I thought it was like son of Sam Walton or something. No, they're responsible for even more deaths. All right, well, Colton, have you ever done anything

like a scary to scare somebody with a face like yours? Because I buy it a face like yours. I'd be doing creepy. I think you're that bad looking at all, to be honest with you. Yeah. The OAS hell bent on never getting murdered by somebody that gets pulled out of this bucket. because I buy it at a face like yours. I'd be doing creepy. I think that bed looking at all, to be honest with you, yeah. You know what, I really say. The O.A. is hell bent on never getting murdered by somebody that gets pulled out of this bucket. He always gives Justin a copy.

I wanna read your pamphlet. I think you look beautiful. As a fucking, I've never seen a guy better looking in my life than this melting mask man. That guy who's a dead guy who's Ted Bundy mask is melting off, no, John Wayne Gacy, I'm sorry. I almost confused you with the good looking serial killer. I will correct myself immediately

because in eighth grade, I had good penmanship. Okay. Colton, have you been on the show before? This is my first time. Your first time, I'm gonna tell you what, I like your style, here's a big joke book. Look how amazing these things are getting on a new level every week from the great bones. I There you go. Hey Colton. I love you to do the secret show Thursday

Absolutely man. I love that secret show secrets out Colton Jones There he goes make some noise for Colton everybody Pulled another name out of the bucket. We're finally getting a lady up here tonight make some noise for Colton everybody. Pull another name out of the bucket. We're finally getting a lady up here tonight. Make some noise for you. You won't believe our last name.

Karen Jones, everybody. Karen Jones. We're literally going from Colton Jones to Karen Jones. Oh, yes. Let's fucking go. Make some noise for Karen Jones. Get your ass over there. Come on, make some noise for Karen everybody. Get your ass over there. Come on, make some noise for Karen. Everybody, these people wait all night for this.

You're all too nice. If you knew me, you wouldn't be doing that. So, I get here tonight and there's this lady walking around in a pink get-up. That just crazy hot pink outfit. our t-shirt says pussy is the new dick Which was news to me because I thought Karen was a new dick My name is Karen and I'm thinking finally woman's liberation achieved something They have replaced dick with Karen Yay girl girl power, thank you. It's so annoying to me because I'm old,

and I've watched this woman's lib stuff play out. And I see some young women here. You have no idea how much better we used to have it before we were equal. It used to be great. It was. Guys, we give us their seat. They paid for everything. We didn't have to work.

We could work if we got a little part-time job that didn't interfere with their work. Which is good, and we liked it that they made more money than us. Because who do you think got that money? That's the bear cutting you off. Good stuff, Paranjones. Hello, welcome. Thank you. I'm an interview you now.

Okay, I shall be interviewed. Indeed, Karen. Welcome, welcome, welcome. How long you been on Stand Up Comedy? This is my first time ever. Wow, that's really good. That's really good for your first time. Well, I did have a little bit of an edge. Uh-huh.

I taught at a drunk driving school for almost 10 years. Okay. And they were a captive audience. You guys seemed a lot more natural when you laughed. They seemed to be laughing to get their card sign for court. No, it was in California. Whoa, Paul Deamer. Paul Deamer with the first ever question asked it.

No, I get that all the time, people coming up and saying, do I know you? I'm like, you don't want to know. A lot of people think you were their teacher. Yes, and some are correct. So I just like, and what exactly did you teach again? I taught them how to drink and drive. Right. How?

What do you mean? Well, actually, we tried to encourage people not to drink, particularly during the terms of their probation. But there were also some tips and tricks. Like, never take the roadside test. That's just gathering evidence against you. Totally. Get tell more people as they drink here tonight.

Give us all a little tutorial. No, that's good. If you if you did drive, don't forget your car. That's a really big one. That's good. That's a big one. Don't forget your car. If you ever heard of those old things?

You put a little nickel, a couple of nickels and some pennies under your tongue. You can blow zero. What the fuck? And what? You can blow a Jewish guy? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. What are you trying to say, dude?

Oh my God, I love it. Theobon.com for tickets, holy shit. God damn. No, the best trick that I learned, I learned more from the drunk drivers than they learned from me. But I learned that if you get arrested for the third time, I think it's drunk driving laws are by state. And in the state of California, on your third one,

it's a automatic felony, and you're going to be in a lot of trouble. So they say, you've got to get the cops to beat you up. Because it's a weekend. And then Monday, you go before the judge. That's why when I drink and drive, I do blackface and then I hit the road. This way they beat me up. I do my best. I do my best little John impression. When I roll down the window, Arr, arr, arr, arr. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. You son of a bitch. You remember that, D's? You remember?

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. OK, so this was in California. Yes, it was. OK, now let me ask you your first time to in stand up. How old are you? I am an old woman. I am old enough for Medicare.

OK. 65. I'm not that bad. I like it. You look great. He's a pervert. Redban. Redban.

I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people.

I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a lot of people. I have quite a coming onto me. I think that's how he flirts. But he, Red Man, you should know I am post-sexual. What does that mean? That means after sex. I'm not interested in having sex. I'm not sexually attracted to anyone. Although I have been feeling sexually attracted to Hans Kim. Oh, my God.

I give it. Oh, my God. I give it. Oh, my God. This is Hans-Gam. This is Hans-Gam. He lives on in spirit. That is incredible. He's in South Korea right now, and you want him in your South Korea, huh?

You want him to have a little piece of your sill. You know what I'm saying? Oh, this is my demilarchized zone. Oh, shit. Oh, this is my D miller-chised zone. Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh my god. Oh no! Ah!

Oh no! Oh no! Ah! You making me uncomfortable? What? What's the evacuated by? This is a lost finale? Yeah.

That's your queues. And they shouldn't be saying that around you, I don't think. I'm sorry about that. You're a gentleman. Theo Bond is a gentleman. You're a gentleman. I'm trying to be a toward in here tonight, man. It's not easy. That's good. I'm trying to be a hard and here tonight, man.

It's not easy. It's good. I like it when they flirt. Yeah. But sometimes it's too much. What do you think is a good pickup line for you? What do you think is a pickup line that would work on you? What type of thing would open up that fucking? Get that guy with the Almanac back out here.

Yeah. I don't know if you know this, but Nolan Ryan had 31 strikeouts in one game. Is that do anything for you? No, I really am post-sexual, I don't feel, and I don't. Maybe if we spoke like back when, maybe if a guy spoke to you like back when you were super young,

right? Like maybe if some guy was like, full score and seven years ago. I was super young at the beginning of the sexual revolution, and that's why I speak to these young women here. It was so much better before. Like a lot of the stuff that was supposed to be an improvement is not. Oh shit, listen to that.

Did you hear that? I agree with you now. There's some fucking little chow-beater that wants to go back in time right now. She's looking for a Delorean to go in a sexual revolution. She's with this fucking beta with the Thickrims over here. Looks like Enrique Chacon back in grade school. Holy shit. Can you tell us what changed?

What was the sexual revolution? What was going on back then? Did you used to get like STDs and stuff or were they not like, not media? Did Fauci not release those yet? I was quite a bit older when AIDS came along, but we were scared of AIDS, and I knew people who died of AIDS. And that's why I didn't think COVID was anything.

It's like, show me some dead people, young, healthy people died of AIDS, and some people wanted to quarantine certain groups. And we said, no, even though there were young healthy men dying, I knew several people. Were you up in San Fran? No, no, I was in Baker's field. Baker's field, oh, hell yeah, dude. I worked at the county hospital.

And it was scary. But that's, COVID doesn't scare me. AIDS was a lot scarier. So when you went through the COVID stuff, were you still working, you weren't working in a hospital? No, I stopped working in the mid 90s. I love it, absolutely, right? When you stopped having your period. Kind of, you're not, I was a 90s.

You're groaning and she's agreeing with me. Just to let you fucking haters know I'm dialed in I can I know I know that shit that men opaz the long time ago. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying? Not a drip since the Viction came out. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I was like, oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry.

Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry.

Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry.

Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. Sorry, I'm sorry. is at that age where they had draft deferments. He's 71. And so he had a draft number, but it was high, and they let people who go to college not participate in the draft. It's kind of the beginning of a lot of like a- See, of a husband still.

Oh, yeah. He's waiting for you out in Bakersfield. And we don't live in Bakersfield. We've lived in Santa Barbara County for a few decades. Now, he was born in Santa Barbara, so I married up. Yeah, very good. He did, though. He married up, and I married up. We both did in our own way.

I love it. So let me ask you this. How long have you been with him? Well, we've been married for 41 years, and we've been living together for 42 years. Oh, my goodness. Unbelievable. Now it's a post-sexual thing making sense.

Like, I offer him sex on his birthday and he's like, when's his birthday? It's September 12th, so. Oh man, no better day. No better day. The Saudi Arabian guy's heart is a rock right now. Look at this fucking guy. Oh my god, September 12th is like the day after Christmas

to this fucking guy. He's just playing with his presence and fucking trying different outfits on, changing socks for no reason. I love it, so September 12th, so when the towers fell, you, do you remember that birthday that he had the day after 9-11? Well, he always got sex on his birthday,

but over the years, it's like the holidays, it's fewer and fewer. Because once again, I see that as a wifely duty. But my husband's super cool, and if I'm not into it, he's not into it. Do you offer him anything exciting ever for the birthday? Like when you say duty, do you mean like, duty, you know what I mean? What? Do you just telepathy that to me? You know what I mean? What? What was that? Did you just telepathy that to me?

You ever let him fuck you in the ass? Yeah, yeah, it's my show and I can do whatever I want. Fuck you. Hey look, we got another name out of the bucket. It's fuck you everybody. 60 seconds on an eruptive from fuck you. It's been 10 years. I like it.

If I want to ask an old lady if she gets fucked in the ass, I'm gonna do it. Fuck you. I want to answer. Yeah, okay. I'll answer that. Yeah. I have had multiple people.

My husband is my first guy I've ever been with, and there have been many occasions where a guy has tried to do that, and it's over. The minute that goes in the wrong hole, you're done. What do you say? What exactly do you say? As far as I'm old too. It hurts.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. But give us an example. What exactly do you say when that happens? When that goes up there, I want to know what exactly. Well, it's been almost five decades.

Right. So I don't remember exactly, but I can just tell you how I am. I'd be like, you're done, buddy. Yep. And it would be, then it'd say, that was an accident. And I'd say bullshit. Right. Yep.

Paul Deamer actually has the sound effect of that happening. Yeah. Yeah. That's what happens. All right, Karen, I got gotta tell you, I cannot bring myself to believe. If you're doing this for 10 years, I cannot, I truly cannot believe it was your first time doing stand-up comedy tonight. The way that you did it and the way that you handled this interview, so fun, so positive,

rolling with the fucking punches, you used your wisdom and your life experience to fucking stay in the zone up here tonight. And that's what it's all fucking about. I'm gonna give you a big joke, but there you go. Karen Jones, everybody. Hell yeah, you got it. Boom. What a great time. Fuck yeah, Karen, you did it. Yeah. Final thoughts. We did not even get to the

most interesting thing about. Alright, stop playing music. Stop playing music. Let us guess what it is though. Okay, you guess what it is, alright? You guessed first the oh. I don't have a guess yet. Okay. Alright right, Red Band. She went to prison or she did something awful, like murder somebody. Now hold on, let the rest of us guess. Okay. I'm going to guess that you have the ability to sing. All right. I know what it is.

She was adopted. Ooh, good guess. Now you're getting me to go down a different rabbit hole, but I got one of those stories, too. Yeah, you got a rabbit hole, too. You know, my man thing's covered in white fur. Ha! Ha!

Ha! I'm not even going to comment on that. What's left of it is white. I know. Don't waste your money on electrolysis. I know. Your vagina is so white it just called the cops on John Dees. We have a report about a black guy confusing DMX and Lil' John, uh, 10-4. We're going to send a whole squad down, uh, very suspicious black man. He's just confusing.

TMX and little, okay. The most interesting thing about you I'm guessing, none of us nailed it. What is it, Karen Jones? You all came fairly close. Oh my God, really? You got adopted by a fuck I can't remember. No, but all that's for another day.

I'll be back. But my local newspaper ran a story just before Thanksgiving accusing me of being a white supremacist terrorist. Oh my God. And all of a sudden, the interview will last another four and a half minutes. Oh, no, I wish we could be continued. I wish we could be continued. I wish we could be continued.

I've got to knock this out. She might die before her next time on this show. I got to find out now. I'll read a fan flip, but I'm not gonna commit to anything tonight. The Bakersfield Gazette. No, the Santa Barbara independent. I shouldn't even say their name. Oh, yeah.

The Santa Barbara, you just blew up their website right now, by the way. I think I'm the most red story they had last year. Explain to us why they thought you were a white supremacist. Well, they accused me of leading the Pledge of Allegiance on the Capitol steps on January 6th. I think you're right. Were you there?

I cannot confirm or deny. Freedom! Freedom! Oh my God. Wow! We're meeting a real one here tonight ladies and gentlemen Holy shit Little Texas snow angel over here a California and made that fucking trip Holy shit you must have been the only person that flew from the Santa Barbara Airport to DC on that day That is incredible. But those of you that don't know, Santa Barbara has to be, well, I guess actually, now that

I think about it, it's probably pretty center, huh? Because there's so many wildly rich people there and rich people are Republicans because that's the way it goes. Oprah? Printerie? Ellen? No, those are- Could I beat the shit out of Printerie, no?

I would prefer do that. Yeah. It's pretty loud. And I'll beat the shit out of Oprah. I'll beat the shit out of her pussy right now. Wait, no, no, no, no, no, Red Band. No, Red Band. Flag on the plague.

Flag on the plague. What? Flag on the plague. Pantely on the field. Taking it too far on red band. Five minutes of silence. Okay. How was the intentional? What was intentional? His foul.

Okay, okay, let me talk with you about something. Okay. So you go there and we have to talk about it. All right. Me and my husband and three girlfriends, one of whom is a very well-known starlet from a TV show in the 80s, whose name I can't say, because she's not under investigation.

No, but you're, you know, we'll just say it's a pretty gal. I think we know who you're talking about. She's been on the show a lot lately. She lives here now. So in summers. We all went and this is something, the people that inspired this hit piece on me because I president of my local government board

in San Mar. You are? Yes. No, Santa Barbara, my New York. You are? Yes. No, Santa Barbara, my little town. They are going to be playing this at your next meeting. Like I here by move to remove the leader. They already did that. It's Roman Chad and JT Goody. No, they already did that, Tony.

And I just said thank you. Is there another public comment? Thank you. Wow, you just fucking. I was just driving school. You just trumped it the whole time. You just fucking bodied him. Thank you. Next question.

Yeah. Incredible. OK, so let me ask you this. I got to know. And let's just be honest, because we've already spilled so many beans that fucking we might as well go all the way. So January 6, you fly there.

How close do you make it? How close to being inside the cap, but all do you get? And let me... Wait, what the fuck was that look? What the... are you seeing this? Dude, wait a second. Were you wearing horns like that, man? I would never go in an un-public place.

I would never go in a private office. But you pay taxes for that building. No, no. It's not that. It's that I have been to the Capitol multiple times on a weekday, and there has never been any reason not to go in. There was never any anything. So it is a public building, and I would never go in a restricted area. But let me just say the people that outed me to this free newspaper, It is a public building, and I would never go in a restricted area. But let me just say the people that outed me to this free newspaper, they're called Internet Sloughs, and they don't have jobs, and they spend their time doing facial recognition to find us.

But hold on, let me make my point, that I flew and went through TSA. I RSVPed to the event, Bank of America. Wait, you RS, hold it, stop. Stop. I need a replay on the field. I'm calling for a replay. You said that you RSVP to January 6th? Yes.

This is the most unbelievable. We are at 20 minutes and 15 seconds with this lady. That is about four or five six times as long as your normal interview. And to be honest, I'm just getting started with her. I'm kidding. We got put her right on the other. You want to put me in prison. No.

I know. What did you do? Did you go into Nancy Pelosi's office? No, that's what I'm saying. I didn't do anything that I thought was illegal. OK. And after the fact, I will say that what you see on the news is a certain loop.

And when they talk about the deadly riot, four Trump people got killed. No police officers got killed. But I wasn't involved in any violence. Wait, what are people? I don't even know what you guys are doing. I'm on a police officer did die. The next day of a stroke.

Oh, wow, okay. All right. We did, but four people who aren't reported. We hear of the one gal who was shot in the neck, but three other people died. One was trampled and beaten. Okay, okay, okay, okay. But I wasn't involved in that. This is going off the rails, everybody. This interview is like January 6th.

Like everything was kind of fun and patriotic for a second. Who gets trampled and beaten? That's the crazy thing to me, I think. Yeah. Like who runs over somebody and then it's like, yeah, there was a couple. Well, it's pretty horrible, the video's out there. It is, but we did RSVP. The business is out there. It is.

But we did RSVP. There was a permitted event. And the reporting is pretty crazy on it. But there is no sleuth thing needed. We bought plane tickets, all of our financial. Every time you use your ATM card, the bank gave that. Got you. We have been known.

The FBI came to our house almost immediately. You're right. Okay. All right. So how far in did you make it? All the way, all the way in. If you go to the free newspaper, they have pictures of my husband and I.

BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! BEEP! What were you wearing that day? I was wearing a fleece, it was January, it's cold.

Uh-huh. So I was wearing a fleece pool. People forget how cold it was. You see a lot of people in muscle shirts out there. That was just the adrenaline. But no, it was very cold. I like fleeces. Yeah, I dressed appropriately for the weather.

But like was it patriotic? Did you wear, like, a bandana or anything? Or, please, Navidad. It's an old shirt, Joe. I had a hat on, but I didn't. What was the hat? Just a trumpet. Oh, yeah.

Was it just a normal trumpet or was it the red one? It wasn't red. I think it was camo. Oh, fuck yeah. Oh my god. I'm hard as a rock right now. Oh my god. Yeah. You might be the coolest fucking crevice. She had a shirt that said, I don't take it in the Trump. Yeah.

Karen, we love you. What a fucking appearance. Congratulations. One of the best first timers we've ever had on this show. Make some fucking noise for Karen, everybody. Oh, I love that. Thank you. Karen Jones, everybody. There she goes. All right, ladies and gentlemen.

Directly to jail. Karen's going to jail. Wait, I thought I... Let's go. Yeah, that went so long, but this person's been waiting. It's really not fair. We're gonna do a one last quick minute out of the bucket. Is that fair? This person's been waiting for 25 minutes. Things got a little hot at control with Karen. You're doing a minute. Real quick, quick, extra quick interview. Make some noise for Carly Anderson, everybody.

She's been waiting in the back for 25 minutes, not an easy position to be in. Carly Anderson. I like to fuck on the first date. I think it's productive, straight to the point, leaves no surprises. I can't imagine fucking a guy for a home month to find out he's got a small penis. And same goes for you guys too, imagine going out with a girl for a home month to find out sheet also has a small penis. I've been dating, though, dating in Austin's interesting.

I get more amber alerts on my phone than I do text back from guys. Like what the fuck to seven-year-old Janessa have that I don't? I just got out of a situation ship. For those of you that don't know what that is, it's like a relationship, but only one of you knows that. He told me that he loves me, but he's not in love with me. And to me, that sounds like a fuck man in the ass, but I'm not gay. That's my time, thank you. Okay, Carly Anderson, welcome to the show. How long you been doing stand up?

Like two years now. I love it. You all of it here in Austin? No, I've been in Austin since September. Okay, where were you before that? Arizona. Phoenix? Nice.

There's a big scene there. Yeah All right, I was actually on the show once before but under a different name was that in Phoenix or here here Okay, why'd you change your name? My stage name was beaster McGillicuddy and Okay, and now you've gone to your actual name. Yes. Yeah, all right. You left the old porn name behind and to your actual name. Yes, yeah. All right, you left the old porn name behind and, uh, hell yeah.

Yeah. Okay, so welcome back to the show under your new God-given name. Yeah. As they call it, any chance you were at the Capitol on January 6th because the last interview was a fucking doozy. So I heard, um, no, I was not there. Okay, what do you do for work? I'm a brista.

Okay, all right. What the fuck, is that obvious? Yeah. Yeah, you look like you were made in a coffee shop in Austin. The bangs, the bad tattoos, the nose piercings. Oh, yay. It's a whole thing. I think, yeah, you seem like a nice person, I think.

Pfft. Pfft. Are you trying to go out the hour? It's that's a whole thing. I think yeah, you seem like a nice person. I think Are you trying to go out the hour? Wow, are you trying to go out? Trying to go out. Yeah, like on a date with me. Um, I don't know I don't know I'll think about it while I'm I'll think about it right now. Okay. Thank you Okay, thank you Absolutely, you're single right now. I am single. Yeah, okay last relationship you were in what was that like? I was engaged actually No's ring

Worse a lip ring Yeah, sorry, you sore you mean. Okay, go ahead. Ringworm. Ringworm. No, I was engaged. I found out that he was cheating on me right after we had just planned the whole wedding. God damn, how did you find out you went through his phone?

Yes. Yeah. Yeah, when he was sleeping. It was when he was sleeping. Okay. Did you, did you know his past coat or did you use his face as the face activator? I know all the bitch tricks guys. I'm like a black belt at this.

I sleep with my phone in between my hands. Oh, shit. I did know his past code. He got a text from his sister-in-law, actually. And I just opened it because at the time. It says sister-in-law is the content. No! From his sister-in-law, Marissa.

And at the time, she was going through a divorce with his brother. So I opened it. And it turns out he was fucking his sister-in-law. Wow. OK. OK. So. Okay. Yeah. Okay, you're pulling a real Karen Jones here,

because I'm coming up with more questions as this goes. So let me just ask you this. Did you, first of all, how did you confront him? Immediately, you wake him up? You're my, they're feckin'? Yeah. Right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, that is a rude awakening.

I called it a lot of fun. I called it a fall. What happened? Take us through like the moment, through what happened. Step by step, day by day. Um, this is happening to me. I want to see it. I sucked him in the face while he was sleeping.

Say that again. For real, I sucked him in the face while he was sleeping. Oh, that's not right. Jumping to conclusions, kind of, you didn't even ask him about it. I don't feel like I really had to. Cause okay, when I saw the text from the sister-in-law, I also saw that he was texting three other women.

So it was like finding out that your fiance is cheating on you with four women and you have a wedding plan and everything. Yeah, you fought the law and the sister-in-law won. You know what I'm saying? All right. So three other women. Did you know the three other women too?

Close to you. No, they were like groupy girls. Why would they? Oh, he was a comedian. He was a musician. Oh. Hell yeah. Guitarist.

Nope, drummer. Whoa. Not the worst thing getting cheated on by a drummer. Yeah, what the. Jesus. But it's kind of cool. Now he's homeless. Matt Mulelings doing fuck you drummer jokes over here.

It's kind of cool though, because when his band found out what he did to me, they kicked him out of the band. Whoa. They were disturbed. Who's that the band? Just food fighters. They were disturbed by what he did. And then they signed a record deal to Sony afterwards.

They signed a record deal after they kicked him out. Oh, look at you. Okay, now here's the million dollar question that I've been sitting on for about five minutes. Okay. Did you immediately contact his brother that was married to the sister-in-law? No.

You let that secret go. They were going through a divorce. It was like, I don't even let that secret go. They were going through a divorce. It was like, I don't even want to. Oh, they were going through a divorce. You were cheating on her. She was cheating on him. It was like, why even getting in the middle of that? Do you think he ever found out that his own brother

was banging his wife? I hope he watches his fucking episode. Because no, probably not. No, you didn't? No. Okay. No. So you think he never found out? No, and they lived together too. Oh, when I kicked him out he moved in with his brother. Whoa. Cherry, cherry, cherry, Jerry, Jerry, Jerry, Boundin' in there, N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N-N uh... if i had a big joke book i'd give it to you uh... will figure that out how much uh... what's the longest stand-up set you've ever done before uh... fifteen fifteen minutes i'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday now you just got booked on a real show

and unbelievably entertaining interviews that makes the noise with carly Anderson everybody oh shit she is trying to move in on the field on stalk right now that'll be an interesting storyline to follow So shit, she is trying to move in on the fiovon stalk right now. That'll be an interesting storyline to follow. I don't know if you guys hear that fucking beat, that rhythm, that sweet, sweet underlying tone, but while Hans and David are out doing whatever they're doing, there's one man that stays loyal to the soil.

Yeah, there's one guy that never calls in sick. There's one guy that's never gonna stop. Some people call him the Big Red Machine, the Memphis Strangler, the man with the most sets in Killtony history ramping up for the 10-year anniversary over five years on the show, hundreds of sets. I give to you the one and only William Montgomery. I'm a real man! I'm a real man! I'm a real man! I'm a real man! I'm a real man! I'm a real man!

I'm a real man! I'm a real man! Guys, shut the fuck up! Ever since getting our dog, I started working at the Vets office, and I've got to tell you all the number of dogs identifying as cats these days is our agents. We actually had to put a dog to sleep and it was kind of sad because his last meal request was appear to be of Jordan sneakers. The vet has a board of directors full of horses, which sounds good, but we can't ever agree on anything because they never vote yay!

We had to pump one horse full of steroids and the side effect was he started setting home run records Okay Exactly 59 seconds from the man the myth and the big red legend William Mont Gamary rocking what appears to be a brand new hockey jersey here today Christmas, huh? It is I got to give it up rest in peace Derek Bougard the bookie man. I recently Got in a hockey and I love watching his YouTube videos where he's beating the shit out of people But he ended up getting addicted to opiates and sadly killed himself. Oh boy getting addicted to opiates and sadly killed himself. Oh boy.

Yeah, it's no, it's a tragic story, but it's fun watching him beat the shit out of people out on the ice. So I came today from eBay. I'm still getting shit on eBay, so. That's nice. Very nice. Wow.

How long ago did he kill himself? I should have done more research on him since I'm wearing his fucking jersey. Do you know how he did it? Yeah, I think he just overdosed on pills. Okay. All right. There you go.

Yep. All right. What else is going on, William? I just... Theo, I have to ask you. Did I... I can't remember our last interaction. Did I make something up?

Did I owe you $20,000 because we have to, we have to squash this beef up here because I swear to God, I got swatted literally yesterday. The whole SWAT team can do our little apartment. People are literally after me, Theo, thinking that I owe you money. We have to squash the beef now. I'm not even kidding.

We have to. Yeah, I feel you, dude. I don't think this is the time really to discuss it. First of all, and second of all, you know how I feel about it. Okay, well, I'm sorry. I owe you that $20,000. Dude. Wait, what? Why? So am I, guy. Okay, well, I'm gonna pay you back.

What, what happened? Then do that. Okay, I regret bringing it up again. I thought you were gonna What happened why why does he he owes the God the money to he owes it? Yeah, no, it's He owes it boy. He'll fucking pay me 20,000 I thought you were gonna try to tell at literally I'm getting messages from people people It's really bad you have to tell people that I paid you back. I'm gonna pay you back.

Yeah, I'll tell them when it's done. That's how things work out. I'll time work. You have to pay them. You make that on cameo in like a day. Who said, yeah, what the fuck is it? Shit said, yeah. That guy knows. That's the beta guy that's banging the chick that did something earlier. I can't remember

So you're a faggot Oh shit. Oh my goodness. I've never heard young Santa Claus use those words before. This is incredible I'm totally kidding. Okay, you know, I regret bringing it up I'm totally kidding. Okay Theo, I regret bringing it up. Okay, I thought you were gonna tell the people that I paid you back already, but you're not gonna tell them? No, I'm not gonna say that.

Okay. Is there any other way that you can perhaps, you know, pay a debt to Theo? Nope. So literally just the cash. Theo wants 20,000 in a gym bag. Jesus Christ. There's some guy over there that really wants to see Williams' tits.

Absolutely incredible. What do you have for this guy, William? This guy's saying show your tits. That's what this guy came up with, this fucking... Which Native American. Yeah. It looks like, uh, what's that fucking movie? Mamoah or whatever? Oh, a Moana.

Moana. Does anyone ever told you you look like Moana? All the time, I bet. Lucy Fruit. So William, tell us, what else is going on this week? Well, my sciatic nerve is still acting up. So, Tony, you're not gonna like hearing this, but I just downloaded Diablo for a couple days ago.

I'm already at a 47 Necromancer, level 47 Necromancer. So I have really been hitting it hard. And yeah, my sciatic nerve, I've been able to work out in two weeks. It's bad. I'm not feeling good, Tony. See you decided to get a video game. Yes, and I've been playing a bunch and I was really Hoping Theo was gonna help me squash this thing. I'm gonna get even more messages after all the I can't believe it

I don't know you So I would do something I think, but I don't know you. I like you, I think. That's a pretty, you're pushing on that. That's a pretty big endorsement. I know you, I think, is one of the nicest things I've ever heard anybody say about William. Well, you might not be getting your money back then. Whoa!

I swear to God, ever since I was wondering how you were going to respond to this tonight, Well, you might not be getting your money back then. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa I don't know you sir and you were playing a video game or something all the time well. I need some money Yeah, okay, well, you're not getting it back. Okay I'll give you another two thousand dollars to never ask me about it again Okay, wow so now you only owe him 18,000. Yeah. Absolutely amazing. How do you plan on repaying him? What are some side gigs that you're going to do to a great question? Yeah. Well, I wasn't kidding when I said I started working at a Vets office. I'm getting 18 an hour or so. I should be able to pay you back in a year or so.

Okay. So let's make it a year from today. I'll pay you back. Oh, God. One year from today. Come on. All right. Okay.

All right. I'll pay you back 18,000. Okay. Deal. How do we put a ribbon on this thing, William? Anything you're passionate about perhaps this week? Anything happened to you or anything going on in your life, which might bring a little more energy than what you have.

Yeah, besides spending my money on the clothes of deceased pillheads. This was a $6,000 jersey! Come on, man! Who the fuck are you, dude? God! Seriously, who are you? Yeah, that's Ray Romano's son. Yeah, that is. Oh, it is. It's Parmesan.

Parmesan Romano. D laughed at that, and he doesn't even know what you look like. That's hilarious. That's all good that was He looks like Ray Romano's yeah cheesier son Okay, William you know that guy You work with him every week. There's a part where we're in the green room before and after the show. I 100% know you but I cannot think of your name right now Oh My goodness, that is just rude. Oh shit

It's not I'm not being mean. I just not damn bad with names. I'm gonna you guys recognize that song What is full Wow, you hear that? Yeah. I love my little dog, my little dog. I got her a couple months ago now And now I work where I take her to the hospital I got a job at the veterinary place How do you say veterinary or veterinary? You work with the veterinary's

I love my little dog. Yes, I do. Yes, I do. Theo, I promise you I'll pay you 18,000 a year from today. I regret bringing it up. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for the one and only William Montgomery. This is it.

The final episode recorded before the 10-year anniversary. How loud can this place get for Mother, fucking Pio von? Ha, come on. Coming into Austin, Texas, an absolutely dominating multiple sold out theaters, multiple sold out shows here in Austin Theobon.com. This past weekend numerous Netflix specials. One more time for the best damn band in the land, the Killtony band. Paul Deamer, John Dees, De Madness, and Matt Muleling,

exclusive Killtony merch available in the lobby right now You're gonna see it on your way out. It's your only chance to get it. You can only get it here The drawing from Ryan Jay E-belt is in it is the O-bon Check that crazy shit out. That's you fuck. Yeah And make some noise for the local artist Chris Rogers with a new drawing He did that while you were all sitting there. That is indeed the guitarist Matt Mjoling. Alright, we did it again. Go to Kill Merch.com. Make sure you know what's up. Thank you to the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, Joe Blaster, Austin Security Arts Service, and Skruball, being about a whiskey red band. Secret Joe, every Thursday, go to sunsetstripatx.com. Love you guys.

Thank you so much. Good night everybody. Woo! I'm going to go to the beach. I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach.

I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. I'm going to the beach. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ‍ʻ� Thanks for watching! you you