KILL TONY - #617 - ALI SIDDIQ

Episode Date: July 7, 2023

Ali Siddiq, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, David Lucas, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban -  06/12/2023

Hey, this is RedBan and you are listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Killtony and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv. If you want to check out our merch, go to shop squad.tv for Desquad merch and tour dates or go to Killmerch for all the Killtony merch, including posters and hats and shirts and hoodies, Killmerch.com. Tony has his own website, TonyHinchcliff.com. He's on a huge tour right now, so check out his website to find more information that's TonyHinchcliff.com. I have a brand new comedy club. It's next door to the mothership. It's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, you can check out my secret show every Thursday

at the Sunset Strip, or go to sunsetstripatx.com for more information. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Toady. Yeah. Hey, this is Redback, County of life from the Commonly Mother Ship here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, giving up for Tony Hedgeclam Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh Hey, hey makes some with Sir Ed ban everybody Louder louder louder it's it's low in house. Yes, yes, yes, how you guys are fucking doing tonight? How we in this shit? You're at the number one live

podcast in the world, Kilt Tony brought to you by the Red Rose Yellow Rose Austin Security Guard Service. See, I'm Smoke House gel blaster available in the stores everywhere and screwball peeing up at our whiskey which proudly presents the best damn band in the land the Killtoni band everybody Special guest joining us tonight the great Terrell Shaheed over there on the horns. That's a badass mother fucker You know him you love him undefeated all-time Mexican drum off a real Mexican. That's Michael Gonzalez right there Mexican drama for real Mexican. That's Michael Gonzalez right there. White man, Matt Muley right here on the electric guitar. This is John D's on the keys. The guy to put it all together, JohnD's.com, J-O-N-D-E-A-S.

And you'll never believe, but right here, this is D Madness, everybody right down the barrel Fresh new haircut. I believe he did it himself. It is beautiful Absolutely stunning. We are coming off of add an absolutely insane show on Saturday night We went full pro wrestling. How many of you guys were there, huh? I had a feeling I had a feeling people that bought those wacky tickets with Extend their trip for a Monday. You guys know how we do. Mondays are our Saturday except we did Saturday on Saturday as well So a lot of fun ahead you guys know how it goes before we start tonight's episode

Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made this episode available for you here on YouTube for free right now. Hey all, it's official, it's announced, it's out there. My largest stand-up tour of my entire life. Oh, the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Columbus, Ohio, Kansas City, Missouri, Indian apolis, Indiana, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Tyson's, Virginia, just outside of D.C., Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, Youngstown, Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Francisco, California, Sacramento, California, San Diego, California, Phoenix, Arizona, New York, New York, Clear, Water, Florida, and Jacksonville, Florida. Tickets available at TonyHinchcliff.com. Come see the crazy Texas f**k and stand up that I've

been working on. You're not going to believe it. Let's have some fun. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? fun. If you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Tonight we go with one guest and one guest only. Very, very excited about this. You are a huge part of this show. I like to fucking, we get to meet a lot of these people out of the bucket this and that on the show, but another thing that I take great fucking pride in is booking some of the

best guests on planet I'm pretty sure that it was us that introduced a lot of people to Tim Dylan Shane Gillis five six years ago people like that This is one of truly the best comedians out there. This is his first time ever as a guest on kiltony Make some noise for one of the greats! Allie Siddique everybody! Come on! Yes! His new special, the Domino effect! Two, lots! Design you two! Come on one more time, Grand Allie! Siddique everybody! Welcome to the show, Ali. This is insane.

It is. It's crazy. This is your first time on. We're pumped to have you. Oh, man, I'm excited to be here. Absolutely. So since it's your first time, I'll explain it to you. There is over Jesus.

It feels like more than usual. Yoni, how many, Christie? How many were there? You know what, it doesn't matter. Over 200 people signed up for the show. Feels thick in there, girthy. It's almost to the top. Look at that. Crazy.

If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their sound is up. When you hear the sound of a kitten, that means they're wrapping it up then or else they bring out the anger was Tollywood Bear. And then I interview them for a few minutes. Sound is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means we're happy to wrap it up then or else they bring out the anger West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them for a few minutes.

We find out more about them, what they could be talking about, what's interesting about their lives, what makes them different, the whole thing's improvised. It's all chaos. You guys ready to start tonight, show? Yeah! Wow!

I will reach in the bucket and tree pool the first name of the night and that goes off. They go pass them through security. Make sure they don't have guns and knives on them. Lock up their phones and they stand in the back waiting. But I think you guys know how we're gonna start tonight's episode. With one of our regulars, this young man became a regular two years ago, we watched him go through everything Living in his van, making out with strippers Being wildly successful, doing arenas, getting a cocaine addiction, selling out every weekend on the road And Saturday, he defended his regular ship. With great ease, ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words, this is Hans Kim. What's up, chicks?

Just got back from Korea. I finally did what all those races have been telling me to do for years and went back where I came from. Races make the best travel agents. They'll send you everywhere but Mississippi and West Virginia. It's hard to be nice to people in Korea because everyone looks the same. I'm like, hey, you look like the guy that cut me off in traffic and the guy that fucked my girlfriend and my girlfriend. I'm supposed to respect someone that looks like my girlfriend. I

loved Korea. It was great. I think you know it's really hard to be back in America. Something that you might not know about Korea is that I got my girlfriend a t-shirt from Korea and a lot of people might think that she's doing some stolen kimchi because she's wearing a Korea shirt and she's white, but I think she's had enough Korean coming her for her to be an honorary member. If you take a DNA sample of her in the right spot she's a hundred percent Korean. All right thank you. Hans Kim with a great many punch lines, many laughs per minute there. I feel like there's a little fucking fire underneath the nowadays huh? Yeah, a little fun reason. I'm afraid for my life. Yeah, all of a sudden All of a sudden we got Hans wide awake

It's funny because you were kind of off a week on a week off a week on a week But now that you know that you're fighting for your job It appears as if though we have you exactly at the type of work you were doing when we first made your regular Yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, right before the co-pain addition. Yes, Tony, my eyes are wide open right now. Wow. No, they're not. They're not.

That is incredible. I believe that's what his choke was, Red Band. He tagged it with the obvious truth. Oh. So, let's talk about it, Hans. Still fresh back from Korea. I love it. What else happened there that we don't know about?

I tried to have a threesome with my girlfriend and what else? And a friend of hers and the bed. And she was, I only had sex with my girlfriend that night. Okay, what did the other girl do? She was just sleeping. Oh, very creepy. Very creepy. That's the closest to a Bill Cosby joke

you've ever had before. Incredible. Olli, this is your first time seeing Hans, right? What do you think about this guy? Very exciting. You. Hey. I've been to Korea.

I wasn't doing none of that over there. Like, yeah. What's going on with you and your life? Like, what's going on? Like, okay. So I'll add my question. Like, how did the three of them come up with your girl? Are you just sitting there and you say, hey.

That's a great question. How do you pitch a three sum to a girl like that? I was like, hey. That's a great question. How do you pitch a threesome to a girl like that? I was like, hey, let's just go to my house. It's all crashed there. It's like, oh, but you only have one bed. I'm like, oh, well, it's not a big deal. I was just trying not to talk about it. It's not a big deal.

I thought if I were a fucktor good enough, her friend would be like, oh, what's that? Did you feel like you were fucking good enough to wake her up? I did not do as well as I wanted to do. Can you explain to us what you mean when you say you didn't do as good as you wanted to? Was it quick? Was it short pumps? I was just tired falling asleep fingering her and... Wait, is that how it works when you have an Asian penis?

You also have to finger them? Throw double guns up, you know what I mean? I like to warm her up a little bit. Oh, okay, the motor started. The motor started, oh yeah. Was she sleeping also? Like, yeah, sort of incredible. So, of course the other girl didn't wake up. You were falling asleep. Okay, just to use some help. Just to use some help. How many guys in here have ever thought this,

that if I'm knocking one girl down in the room and another girl see it that she'd go for it too. How many guys have thought that in this room? A lot of people will be on your same page like she here was going on over here. Hans that was a great minute. I'm telling you it seems as though we've got you in a prime fighting shape once again. So I mean, I'm gonna send you off to the back and then we'll bring you back out after the next comedian set because you're fighting for regular shape again, everybody. Yeah! Thank you! For those of you who weren't there on Saturday, you might not know, but we're doing a brand

new thing with Hans in order to re-energize his work ethic in his career, where now every single week he has to defend his regular ship against one of the highest qualifying candidates. On Saturday night, I gotta give them all the credit in the world He smashed the unbelievably likable unbelievably talented five-year golden ticket winner in reekage Chacon with Grady's this week. I think is an even bigger challenge Ladies and gentlemen If he wins he becomes a regular on Killtony. He's from Toronto, Canada, everybody.

He is very, very special in a great many ways. I believe it's called globally, globally challenged. I was using a different word on Saturday during the uncensored stream brought to you by Moment House Ladies and gentlemen one of our favorites of all time golden-ting a winner Fighting to become a regular. This is a brand new minute from the one and only Jared Nathan everyone Here we go! Oh my god! Oh my god! That's the phone!

Oh my god! For myself speech therapy has involved over the years. At first started with these eight tongue twisters. How much word can a wood chalk chalk if a wood chalk can chalk wood? Now it evolved to me eating... Percy! I did it! Worming in!

Body! And she... Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh- BABARDI! Is there the money on BABARDI? You know what they say? One's your daughter! There is no other! Thank you! Jared, Nathan, did a historical moment in the show's history Ha ha ha

Jared an incredible another incredible performance Not quite as many laughs per minute as Hans, but a couple bigger like big pops at Different points different pop pop, pop, pop, pop points. Very fun. How do you feel like that went? Do you want fantastic? Okay. I think I was on it.

You want it? I think it was one of my best sets here at the mothership. Okay. I think myself. All right, yeah. I disagree with that. Yeah, I think I disagree too. I see what you're trying to do though. You're trying to get into the boater's heads. Trying to pull some Joe Biden trickery right now. Oh, the cost of bananas is down 10% after I raised it 60% two months ago. Oh, you guys are Biden fans.

Okay, we lost you there. Oh yeah, there's a lot of people visiting from California today. Oh, welcome to your visitors. We don't have any fun when you're not here. Okay, so, Jared, look at the look of seriousness in your face. Oh my goodness. This is a big deal. I love it. So how do you feel? Is that truly you've been eating pussy? Wow. Oh my god. It helps my mouth. One of the great things about this show is that when people like you are on Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm a Jared Nathan and listening to a Jared Nathan. Allie Sedeek, you can say whatever you want. What do you think about Jared?

Oh my goodness. That was your best set on the mother's show. Second or third maybe. Okay. It was, it was it was exciting Like you come out with the wrestling thing, you know, I had a joke can clear this time you what you came I don't can clear the other times it came clear this time for myself with it I'm so stupid, dude. That is incredible. I can't imagine if this was my first time seeing you.

Like, oh, that was me. You want to see something, Ali? What? You want to see something? I'm here. When I whisper, I do not start her. When he whispers, he does not start her. Like I'm doing ASMR. Wow.

Don't worry, it's not airport, you can't catch her. If I get through some nobi. Yeah. When I whispered on start her, like the youngin yang twins. What am I saying? When do you see my jokes? Alright, let's get Hans Kim back out here ladies and gentlemen.

Oh my goodness. Wow, I mean, here we go. Ladies and gentlemen, Hans Kim for two years. And by the way, this thing that we've done tonight and on Saturday with Hans is the only time we've ever done anything like this. It is absolutely incredible. I figure it is an absolute win-win situation.

It goes to show you exactly what the live audience is feeling because I let you guys decide So Ladies and gentlemen, how many of you have Jared Nathan winning tonight's regular ship battle make some noise for Jared All right You know them for two years you've seen him over a hundred times on the show. How many of you think Hans Kim retains again? Huh? I had a feeling the boy isn't fighting shape. He's wide awake, stronger than ever.

Hans Kim, how do you feel? I feel great, is there? That was perfect. Perfect. James, amazing, Jared. Jared's still trying to fuck you up. I'm like, I tried to hug him. You got any more fat retards for me to be, Tony? Wow. Well, it's funny you mentioned that.

Because next week you will be challenged again and you're a opponent who has a lot of confidence about the issue. Goes by the name of Uncle Laser, everybody. So, I never get away what's happening a week away but we're going to do it Uncle laser who hasn't been on the show in months who's been out doing spots running longer sets started on the show and he thinks he has you but I'll tell you this Jared thought he was gonna do it and I talked to Enrique Chacon before the show on Saturday and he thought he was gonna do it I think it's an exciting way to fucking kick off a show with a couple comedians

and I think you should be really proud of your work right now, Hans. Two years into writing a new minute every week. Thank you guys! It's great to see you reinvigorated. Take that mic, Sam. Put it back on that pink X. Come on guys, make some fucking noise for Jared. Nathan and Hans-Kim everybody. That was Hans-Kim.

That was Hans-Kim. That was Hans spam, that was hot spam, that was hot spam. Alright, your first fucking poll of the night, you guys know how this goes. It's definitely most likely almost guaranteed going to be a lower quality comedian than what we've seen so far tonight. But anything could happen. It could be the person that's going to battle Hansen two weeks. It could be somebody that we never see again. Could be a genius, could be a completely insane homeless person. Make some noise for him, we're gonna meet him all together. For Jake Routigliano.

Oh. That was Hanskamp. That was Hanskamp. That was Hanskamp. That was Hanskamp. That was Hanskamp. That was Hanskamp. Come on everybody, one more time for Jake Routigliano.

Wow. This is great. I'm coming from a communist country, so being right here right now Come on everybody, one more time for Jake Routigliano. Wow. This is crazy. I'm coming from a communist country, so being right here right now is this is crazy. I don't hate being from Canada, but I didn't know that freedom tasted like barbecue and sunshine. This is fucking unbelievable. Yeah. I, uh, it's pretty cool being up there. They're pretty progressive, which is

kind of nice. It's nice to be able to see Canada's first black prime minister, Justin Trudeau. He did blackface so many times that he doesn't need, he lost count. That's not something you should lose count of. He did pitch black face. He smiled and was like the Cheshire cat and you can just see him like that was dumb face just going, yeah, yeah. I'm blank and this is it right now guys, this is crazy. This is absolutely unbelievable. Thank you. Yeah, I could feel it. I could tell I could see when it happens Yeah, yeah I

Know what that's like when you fucking lose it Yeah incredible how long you been when stand-up comedy this was my second time second time ever adorable This was my second time second time ever adorable When and where was your first time in Toronto in Toronto? Yeah, yeah on Keltoni. No, no, no, okay, right in Toronto where? Just had a random a random basement pub a random basement pub Yeah, I noticed that your hat is way too big it's too big. Yeah I noticed that your hat is way too big for you. It's too big, yeah. What's going on?

It's bothering you. What's going on? It's your hat. It's your hat. I know. It's not like we put a hat on people before they come out. It's not like something that's too big for me. I don't know. It's aggressive.

You signed up for a show that a million plus people are going to see. Yeah. And you're wearing a weird hat, dude. Yeah. What? Why did that the hallmark story like what kind of hat is that? Close it off. It was H&M. No, no, put that back on.

Okay, man. Oh, yeah. H&M, a Canadian H&M though. For sure. Right, right, right. I washed it once and it got to shoveled and now it's... You washed it. What did you wash it in exactly?

A car wash? Yeah. That is, that hat is pointless. Yeah, a little bit. That's like something, that's like something they would like dress up like an orangutan with or something like that. That's not like a, you can just keep flipping it

anywhere you want, it's not gonna work. I'm trying to make a hole. You know that it was too big before tonight? I did, you know you sit during the day when you were like tying your shoes and it was falling off? Is one of those three stooges clips or something? I mean, the hat is obnoxiously big. When did you notice that that was too big?

When I got on the plane. You got on the plane from Canada. Did you think about buying another one? I didn't. Why didn't you think about that? You have extra money? Not too much. And then the rest I took out to bring here and everything's cashless here. So everything's cashless here. It's what it feels like, Oli.

My thing is, do you know that it's a thing where you can adjust the head? Yeah. Like I'm like, are you just like, you know what I think? What'd you think that thing right there do? I just think. I tried, I tried to. It's just me. I don't know what this does.

It's just, you know, it started like puffing out and going on with me. Oh my God. Look at all this. There's so much. It is obnoxious. Let's see how many, let's see how many little joke books you can fit in this side of your hat

Like a boy right here catch this and I just want you to put it like halfway in sure. I mean there you go All right, there's one oh My god, yeah, that's two this halfway in halfway in You know what we're let's you know put that one on that side put it on that side Oh my god, all right. Here's a big one try the big one Like toad from Mario There you go all right one more I want you to put this one on the same side as that one. I think it's good.

Right up, right against it. Yep. Push it up there. This is absolutely incredible. Absolutely incredible. Oh my god. Yeah. This is crazy. Yeah, my phone book in your hand.

Oh, shit. It's tight. It's tight. It's tight. Give me the big joke, Bugs Back. You're not getting one of those. And then give me three of these small ones. No, two, you're gonna get to keep that one.

I'll let you hold onto it now. There you go. So let me talk to you a little more. What do you do for work up there in Canada, Jake Routigliano? I'm a server and I'm an actor. Oh yeah, what kind of acting have you done before? I went to theater school.

Yeah. So I'm in a Shakespeare play this summer. Okay. Can you give us like 15, 20 seconds of some good acting? Can you give us like a little, you can? I know you can. I can draw. Yeah.

Sure. What do you take the hat off and hang it up on the fight? It's making me furious. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh! Oh my god. For those of you only listening to the show, you just put the hat on the hat on a mic stand

and it went through the... The hat is so big, like a magic trick. It went through the mic stand. This is absolutely incredible. I'm so excited that you will always be known as the Hatman. Here he is with a little shake spirit in Canadian fully vaccinated acting for you. This is a few seconds of acting with Jake Routigliano. Everybody, here we go. I know everybody, here we go. To be or not to be. That is the question.

Whether it is no blur in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them. To die. To sleep. No more. And by a sleep to say we end the heartache that flesh is heir to. Wow. I'm not going to lie. That's the first time I ever heard somebody do Shakespeare in a real voice.

Okay. Like, you ain't even ripping up, you know, the power of the album. No, no, no, no, no, yeah. That was very, very impressive. Hats off to you, Jay. Yeah. Thank you for signing up. You got your little joke, bug.

I did, I actually, I I handed sorry. I handed you What? What the the name fell out of the bucket at the 10th anniversary and I handed you the name I was sitting there front row If you wouldn't have mentioned that it would have changed my life forever There he goes jank retigley on a thank you for picking up the name at the start of the 10 year. Very, very interesting piece of information. These Canadians, they are wacky folks. There he goes. There goes Jake, everybody makes a nice retreat. All right, your second name out of the bucket. We're gonna meet them all together as you just saw anything that happened Make some noise for Brandon Bony everybody Brandon

Here he is one more time for Brandon Body Yeah Too riff or not too, that is the question. Not a fuck that I'm doing my set. When I was nine years old, my dad took me to see my first ballet, which is an incredible turn of events for a Southern gentleman like him, just a typical guy, hunts, fishes, Mary just cousin.

It's actually true. We'll talk about that later. Yeah, but the other kids, they weren't so lucky to have a dad like mine. They took them to things like Civil War exposure therapy. You know the dads I'm talking about. Civil war dads. You know, just take their kids to the battlefield. You know, what I thought, I went through, I thought it was confusing to me sexually, based off my wilderness survival training up to that point

But those kids they just had to go shoot links with old people in front lines. I'm like I Feel like that's worse for your sexual development. Am I right? Yeah, okay. Yeah. Yeah shout out to not being gay despite the ballet Oh shit all all right. Brandon, low hockey there. Boatie, how are you Brandon? Doing well, man, doing well. Okay, how long have you been here? Okay, how long have you been to in standup?

About a year and a half? We're at Columbia, South Carolina. Columbia, South Carolina. Wow, I wanted to start this. The state that started this award. I once had one of my worst experiences ever there. I swore it off. One of the few cities that I've sworn off.

Yeah, at the time I was with a massive agency called CAA, and they didn't. It was on this crazy. This was the Monster Energy Outbreak Tour in 2016. My first ever theater tour. Wow. And I did a gig in Columbia, South Carolina, and my agent, normally there's a guarantee,

and then there's, if you do really good, you get a big percentage of the door, but there's always a guarantee to protect you, just in case, if you almost, like say you feel, if you get 80% or more filled, then you get a big percentage. But there's always a little guarantee to protect you. Everybody's gonna make money, everything's good.

It was the only gig where I hit like 78% instead of 80, because Columbia, South Carolina is a bunch of unfunny fat hillbillies. And it was the only stop on the tour in which my agent at one of the biggest agencies in the world, the third biggest comedy agency on planet Earth, forgot to put a guarantee in. So I literally walked with nothing. The venue said, you get nothing. You get nothing at all, even though, yeah,

holy shit is right, the dark side of show business. It is a bleep place. I fly your CAA after that, so. Luckily, now I'm with the biggest comedy agency in the world, UTA and my agent sitting up at a big hand for my agent to everybody, making us all absolutely rich. It's just fucking unbelievable. Anyway I've always wondered what Tim Dylan would be like with brain damage.

I'm excited. I'm excited that you're here. It is unbelievable to see an unfunny Tim Dillon. It is absolutely crazy. But I bet in Colombia, you're just a gun slinger, huh? No. I like that. I like the honesty.

We like the honesty. Okay. All right, you say a lot of words. What do you do for work? Dude, I have no job right now. Wow. How are you surviving? Well, I haven't had a job.

I haven't had a job to reserve body fat that you have. That really helps. The last two months, I haven't had a job, but I got some insurance money a couple months ago, and it's been a long time. Ooh, I love that answer. How did you get insurance money? I got into two wrecks within four days

in the summer of 21. Wow, oh my God. Bad wrecks. What was happening? Rocky Road. Yeah. Do you do the job? Uber. Oh, oh, bad red god. What was happening Rocky Road Wait, you were driving Uber of the first wreck. Yes, okay the second one you were in a Uber the second wreck I was driving to my wrecked car in the lot Okay, so explain to this I mean you look like a guy that loves tea bones, but not those kind

Explain to us how you get into two wrecks in four days. Yeah, man. So I was driving 70 miles an hour down the interstate with a passenger in the back seat, ranting a Mazda Miata came off the exit. That's your car Mazda Miata. No, it was coming off in front of me. Oh, I was in a RAV4. You were in the exit lane as well. I was driving down the interstate. He was merging into the interstate. Gotcha. You were in the exit lane as well. I was driving down the interstate. He was merging into the interstate. Gotcha, you're in the far right lane. He cuts across me, spins multiple times on the slick, oiled rain road and I T-bone them.

Thankfully I slowed down to about. I was not at fault for either accidents, which was nice. Right, right. But I wish I was. How much insurance money did you get? I got about 20,000 dollars in total okay, and how long have you been Surviving off of the 20,000 about two months so I've a lot of its left and I had a little bit more before then so okay What do you spend most your money on what's something that you like to splurge on throughout the week food? Yeah? You can be a little more specific

because we fucking knew that. I like habachi food. Ah. I like Chipotle. I actually like everything that you're saying. Yeah, I like, yeah. I'm a big one. A lot of other places, now,

I'm honestly, I just like to eat it. Okay, so let's talk about it. How many times a week are you habachi-ing? Let's be honest. Probably, not honestly, probably about once a week. I'll get a bunch of you. How many Chipotle's a week? Probably about one, yeah.

Okay, what are you eating the rest of the week? I make food at home. I make lots of steak, sandwiches, chicken, rice, not a lot of vegetables, fruits. We know. Yeah. But, yeah, man, what a lot of vegetables or fruits. We know. Yeah. But, uh, yeah man. What do you do for fun?

What do I do for fun? I like to fish. I like to fly fish. I like to bass fish. I like to just hang with the boys. Do you eat the fish that you catch sometimes? Yeah. Okay, I mean, you say yeah, like I should know that.

Oh, yeah, I guess you shouldn't know that. I mean, but I do, yeah. Okay, what else? When you're not fishing and hanging with the boys anything else? You have any special skills or talents that aren't a comedy related. Yeah, sure. I I I see I play a little music really Yeah, you really sing yeah, I have a lot of in March large. All right. Let's go back to the singing I want to know I want to do anything that here what kind of what kind of song do you want to sing you guys want to hear Whatever why do you tell the band an actual song? This is like a meatloaf only eight meatloaf. This is very exciting

Brandon you make so much noise into the microphone. It's incredible Stepped on more fucking punchlines with your fat feet than anybody I've ever fucking had on the show Do you think you had to tell this band what song into the microphone while facing them? No. Alright, impulse. Are we ready? Sure. Oh shit.

Oh, okay, okay, that's a... Oh, right. Okay, doke. So, are we gonna do a song? Yes. Did you pick a song? No, I hadn't. Are you retarded?

Maybe. Oh, I'm not. I'm not. Okie dokie, so are we gonna do a song? Did you pick a song? No, Hayden, are you retarded? Maybe. Pick a fucking song, don't say anything, you're not gonna be able to do it. Brandon! Let's do a... There you go, there you go. You know what, I'm sick of you, you're gone.

Brandon everybody, there he goes. It happens Brandon, take one of these! Take one of those, You're gone Brandon everybody. There he goes. It happens Brandon take one of these take one of those there He goes Brandon All right ladies and gentlemen for a special treat right now. There is a golden tick a winner that hasn't been on the show in a really long time. This young man won his golden ticket years ago in the middle of Des Moines Iowa. This is his first time performing at the comedy Mother Ship, his first time on Kiltoni at the comedy Mother Ship, his first time on Kiltoni at the Mother Ship. Mix the noise for one of the great Golden Ticket winners of all time.

Mix the noise for Allo Meen. Everybody. You may recognize him as the man that roasted Donnell Rollings off of the stage. Allo Meen everybody. I'm glad telling you to go while to introduce me to come up here. I was backstage robbing that last motherfucker. Oh, goofy ass. I'm here to, I won $20,000 in a lawsuit. Meanwhile I'm backstage like, oh shit, really? This has been an expensive trip. Anyway. Texas supports Nick as Robin White people. I like that.

I might have to move down here for real, man. I've been thinking about it. I don't know. I mean, I just had a kid so I'm kind of worried. But if I get maybe two or three more amber alerts I'm gonna come down here because my my daughter's expensive, bro, and you know, I'll change her name to fucking amber You know, I'm put on the corner Beep, beep, beep, no more fucking daycare fees for me

Traffic Traffic, I'm not even doing joke, so I gonna do. Hey, I'll tell you this. Hi, my name is Aloe, my pronouns are Niggas with Attitude. If that's too dangerous, you might have alternative pronouns or fallout boy on Nirvana. All right, that's my time. Aloe mean, that's it. That's Aloe Golden Ticket winner does it.

Payment, make jokes off of exactly what was happening right before you being present, listening to what's going on, paying attention, being in the moment, using your timing, how do you feel? Feel great, man, it's good to be here. Yeah. This is dope, fucking club, dope place. Yeah, absolutely. We've missed you.

It's been a great time. We haven't seen you since you famously, Donnell Rawlings, for some reason, took extreme offense to you. He kept making fun of you. I don't know if you know what this Donnell was once on the show. And he made fun of Aloe, and Aloe goes, that's one. And then he made fun of Aloe again later on in the interview. And he goes, that's two.

And Donnell noticed that he was counting, so he got offended like, what are you gonna do? And then he made fun of him again, and then Alho literally basically got him an Uber and just made him, like he left, he left the show. One of the only walkoffs in the history, like I'm going to go to the bathroom. And then he was found later at a firehouse or something,

like taking photos of fire truck. Yeah, we literally found him posting on Instagram. He was walking down the street. Damn, man. He got mad. You know, he wears the shepale chain, right? So he had these Jordans that matched it. So I was like, when did you get those Jordans before after shepale gave you that chain? And when I said that, she, he clutched the chain. And that's what I heard of my thing. And then after that, he clutched the chain. And that's what it hurt him, I think. And after that, he pretty much left.

After he gave a little speech, he got real emotional. You running off black people? I felt bad about that, too. I felt real bad about that, too, because you know, it's rare that we got to show unity, especially for all these white people. Yeah. Hello, my day, they love it. I got this one thing, you ran off your only help I was was with was with is when you said um

We said the first thing about the dude was a $20,000. It's the exact same voice that I would use We all know all white people sound alike. But what's crazy, what's the crazy thing is, you think he got it on him? No, no, no. Like, $20,000. Oh, shit. I'll tell you the plan. I know. If I had $20,000, I would have it all in cash on me. You threatened him hard enough and you tell him

that he'll win more you. And that's all I mean, I'll pull it. in cash on me you threaten them hard enough and you tell him who Vinmo you and that's on me now That's a paper trail, but strong Give me the last four your That's always an offer by when he starts walking away you have to put them back up against the wall again I'll ask of your phone Skin got all of this traceable like that is true. Yeah, yeah, it's true to I Probably yes, but I'm done there. I was I just watch your special by the way

I just thought it's crazy that you're here right now just two days ago. I'm starting to watch your special You saw some random you know it's on YouTube. It's fucking great special You know what's on YouTube is fucking great special. I got crashing on YouTube. Thank you. Rushing on YouTube. It's better than what you like to do. Thank you. Again, you have to see it.

The Domino Effect 2 loss. Am I saying that right? The Domino Effect 2 loss. I love it. I love it. That is hip. Hip title. I like to keep things simple, short words,

kill, tony, da, da, da, you're like the tony. It's like my Wi-Fi password. I like to keep things simple short words kill Tony That you're like the time it's like my a Wi-Fi password Domino effect to loss But hell yeah people are finding it well well over a million now and crushing everybody it's getting absolutely great reviews I implore you after this episode to go watch it on YouTube subscribe to Ali Cedique A.L.I.S.I.D.D.I.Q Also the spelling of your name is very hard as well. It's amazing that you have any success in this business That goes to show how great your work is yeah, because your name and the names of your specials very hard to find very hard to spell Very hard to pick. Yeah, I still I still just randomly say sometimes

I think this is got on boots and just just comes out Allowing me you said you have a new kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah melody shout out melody. She's six months. Oh, okay Show show us this I love it. I love Watching together fuck y'all how long you been with the baby mama? Going on well together like 20 we got married eight years ago. Oh, okay. Yeah, you're with the baby mama? Going on well together like 20, we got married eight years ago. Oh okay. Yeah, you were always married huh? And this is your first kid.

Yeah, 40 years old, popping out the first one. Okay. Yeah, it's a miracle. It's a McDonald's miracle because. What does that mean? That's all I changed in life. They told me I couldn't have kids. They said my sperm count was low for a while.

They're like you have a low sperm count, but it's very active. So they're like maybe trying vitroro that's expensive and it's a risk. It's a roller dice So fuck that so you're your people are good at rolling dice So I'm niggas are bad at it and that's how people get you a lot of them That's why there's violence sometimes let's get back to this though. You say they were Low sperm count. Yeah active. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, which was I was kind of proud of that Yeah, you got to like it's not a lot of them, but they move it. Yeah The proud you know, I mean they get in there and wild and one is gonna keep March

You know man? What's going on? I'm still going by the shape of you, you don't seem very active at all. No, I got, are you sure it's your sperm in there? 100%. She looks just like me. I'll show you pictures later. All right. Did she come out with an Oakland days hat on or something? OK, what does your wife do for work?

She's a sales, she's like an optician. She sells glasses and shit. Okay. And you're a truck driver. Truck driver, yep. How's that been going? It's good. I'm one of America's only, you know, still working heroes, you know.

Because there's, you know, consumer country, you know, so we're more important to the military. Let us stop shipping shit and y'all be fucking going crazy Kill each other you're welcome. I'm a hero That's right Okay, anything else crazy happens since the last time we saw you that we should know about Halloween No, man, just you know try to not make another kid for now Okay, they're expensive, you know all right Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tell all those active sperm. Yeah. Chill out. Man, I have to start eating McDonald's again. That

will make it McDonald's. I don't understand. The only change I made in my life is I stopped eating McDonald's. And I'll stop telling people that I think Donald's pays me. But for now, that's just the truth. So you were trying to have a kid the whole time. Yeah. We did it. And then you stopped eating McDonald's. And then how soon after was it was like it was probably like six months. No, it was probably like a six months to a year. So that's the only change I made though. Wow. I just have to eat McDonald's. I still eat the other shit. I came down here. I was fucking a Jack in the box. We don't we don't know where I'm from. That is bad. Does that theory? No, no. Yeah, yeah. That shit fucked me up. That is bad. My butt hall has been hurt. Never since that. Yeah, that's bad. Does that theory? No, no. Yeah, yeah, that shit fucked me up. That is bad.

My butt hall has been hurting ever since that. Yeah, it's bad. That's true. It was 2 o'clock in the morning though. What are you gonna do? That's true. Take risks. Okay.

Aloe means so fun. Great to have you. Great stuff. Thank you so much. I'll leave that. Golden tick a winner. Aloe means, ladies and gentlemen. Come on.

Alright, pull another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here mix and voice for Colin O Mera everybody Colin O Mera Here we go. There's Colin O Mera everyone I know I look like I sleep on an air mattress. It's because I do, but I also have sex on air mattress. You haven't tried it, give it a shot. You kind of have to do missionary the whole time because otherwise, toenail is going to pop the bed or something.

You know what I mean? It's dangerous. I was having sex with a girl the other day from behind because I'm cool. And she was digging her claws into the bed. So I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And she turned around and she looked at me and she was like, what are you close? I'm like, yeah, close to sleeping on the fucking floor.

All right, let's pull it back a bit. It's fun. I like having sex in our mattress though, because that way I can see women hit rock bottom in real time. I don't think I was gonna be here either. I like having sex in our mattress though because that way I can see women hit rock bottom in real time, you know what I mean like I'm like yeah, I don't think I was gonna be here either, you know Like they text their friends when they go home with me. They're like, oh, he's the fun guy from the bar. He's a comedian

Then they have get bad dick on an air mattress. No, like oh my god. He's a fucking comedian. All right. It's a checks out I like what I Thank. Oh, fuck. All right. Thank you guys. There you go. Really deflated the air in the room with your air match or some material there, Colin O'Meara. You look like you were going to do good.

You look like a professional. You have a good haircut. You have rings on for some reason. You have an open shirt. You got a chain, you got a little bit of swag to you, and then you just come out and do that. You've been on the show a few times, right? Yeah, like a year and a half ago.

And it never really goes that great, does it? I've been pretty decent. I don't think you are. I don't think you are at all. It's pretty much my cause will win the matter. So I like that you thought you did good. You put a little Jared Nathan, you're trying to, I'm not the bad comedian, you just,

okay, Colin, let's talk about it. I actually slept on an air mattress when I was coming up in the game and someone's living room and I paid rent to sleep on an air mattress and somebody's living room. And I once hooked up with a chick way out of my league back then. And I remember this because I actually have a better story than you. I've never told it on stage or anything, but your story, your

shitty story reminds me of my good story. Anyway, so I ended up hooking up with this hot fucking one of those beautiful mixed girls with the fucking, you know And I mean like poofy hair. I mean just absolutely stunning And I remember thinking to myself why is this girl fucking me? I'm a 23 year old door guy at the store I don't have money. I don't have food. This is crazy All I have is this fucking air mattress and my job at the comedy store anyway., I wake up the next morning, she's gone already. And I notice that there's an earring, an earring on the air mattress. And it's right next to my face and I go, ah, she left an earring and I grab it and it goes and it starts. Right? So this is very early in the morning that this happens and I'm like, oh fuck.

So I go back to sleep, right? I'm in the middle of an air mattress. Now what you don't know people with parents that were together and jobs and college diplomas is that when you sleep on an air mattress and it's actually slowly deflating, it doesn't even leave go down. Now the middle where your ad goes down and the rest closes on you like a Venus flytrap of depression. So you end up literally on the hardwood floor, but with a bunch of mattress sticking up like that and that part doesn't deflate. That doesn't deflate because there's no pressure on it. You understand what I'm saying? So you end up just enclosed in a fucking hot case, but now the sun's coming up in Los Angeles, and now it's 130 degrees.

Anyway, I like that I'm telling some real career stories here during this episode, really slowing down the comedy part of everything to share with you some of the unbelievable adventures that I've been on until I was a wildly rich and successful. So let's talk about it Colin. Are you really on an air mattress? I actually just got off recently. I could tell. I could see it because you seem well rested. Yeah. A little bit. Yeah. How's the new mattress treating you? I'll be honest, but pretty good. You don't realize how bad it is

sleeping on the air mattress until you get off. I completely agree. Have you been have you taken a girl back to your new mattress since you're so cool having sex doggie style? I actually got a girl. So cool. Yeah, you know what I mean? I don't even look at the girl. Oh, hello.

Yeah, I got a girlfriend like the same week I got an air mat. I got off the air mattress Funny how that works out. What is your girlfriend do? Oh, she's a nurse What kind of nurse like an AIDS nurse an AIDS nurse? Yeah, pretty much for people with AIDS She like that's not what she calls it, but like it's like it's like a she works at like a like a sex place Where like people with AIDS come in like Like HIV, but they got AIDS there. Like everyone gets got AIDS. They've got AIDS.

That should be the name of the place. Yeah, pretty much. We've got AIDS. It's apparently, it's not even a big deal anymore. They come in, we give them something, and then they just. Absolutely. You don't ever worry about it. I did, no, I asked.

I was like, what happens if you get AIDS up? And then she was like, we take a pill. And you know, if she literally was like, hypothetically, if I took someone's blood that had HIV, and then I pricked my finger, I take a pill for two weeks, and then I don't get HIV. Oh, yeah, they have stuff for that now. Apparently, yeah.

Everyone that works there has AIDS too, except for her. But not really Yeah, apparently yeah, I double check, but yeah, it's like no big deal. I don't know they got pills and everything Like no big deal I came from a mad just to a's nerves, but no big Incredible yeah, I have a way better at matter story to you as well So he's nerves, but no, we're just incredible. Yeah, I have a way better air mattress story than you as well. Yeah, let's go. Let's go.

Because he said it like, you don't know how good you have it until you have an air mattress. Well, I was in prison for six years, and that's a different type of mattress. It was like that mattress is so hard. So when I got my air mattress, I was living in a one bedroom apartment next to this dude who was in Transit like he wouldn't he had all the money to finish it was weird

It was like he had one titty one day and he got the next one it was it was weird shit going on It was, it was, it was weird she going on next door. And so I stayed, I had a, I had a really nice one. Like the one that you blow up and you can deflate. And like women can stick their nails in it. And it was, it was good. But I also had this, this way above my head, chicken at the time, but she came to my apartment and did this like, yeah, you stay here bitch,

what are you talking about? Like, yeah, I stay here. On the air mattress, you already here. So what are you talking about? Like, yeah, I stay here. On the air mattress, you already here. So, you can't judge me, you already, you saw what it was, you was coming up to steps. It didn't look like lush. It was just coming up to semen steps, like, yeah, that's what it is.

I'm like, what does she think? When she got my apartment, it was gonna be lavish. She's like, you knew you was walking to an air mattress. But it was a nice one. I had sheets and everything. It sounded like you didn't have sheets for your... No, I had, that's the thing. They didn't, most of the time, they didn't even know it was an air mattress for the next day.

They'd be like, wait a second. What you had a magical air mattress, you see? Dude, it was a box frame for your air mattress. You see, it's on the floor. Every time I know an air mattress mad just on the flu like you know, you nobody's bad at that low. No, right I had like a like a mattress topper that was like that you just shut up Yeah, a box spring and imagine on top of me with a real big sheets on everything They'd find out cuz like after like we do have sex the bed would be like two feet away from the World the junk down

I'm starting yeah, but yeah, and then it was I'd fill it back up and then they leave You know when you walked out here. I thought you were gonna be good too. Yeah, I know it's incredible It really is wild you look like you'd be good, but you're not Why do you think that is? How long you been on stand-up? A couple of years now, like four. All of it here in Austin, Texas? I know, from outside of Philly.

I moved here coming up on two years of summer. Wow, most people from just outside of Philly are hilarious. This is incredible. You're almost an anomaly. Yo, because they were just really cheesy. It was almost like cruise ship shit Yeah, that's not it's bad It's like you should have been the swaying a little bit is it singing the last of the punch tonight It's crazy. No, like you can sing though. Oh, not at all. Not at all. I think I'm tone down

It's some weird shit like when you answer the question you always do this like what's going on with like you can sing though. Oh, not at all. Not at all. I think I'm tone down. It's some weird shit. When you answer the question, you always do this. Like, what's going on with you? You don't cook anything. Yeah, actually not. I look like it, but not I haven't before. You look like you done cooking, but you haven't?

Yeah, I get told that, but yeah, I haven't. I don't do it again. Yeah. Do you notice it? Weird tick. Do you do any jokes? Do you do any jokes? Do you do any jokes about your girl working at an AIDS place?

Uh, no, it's pretty early on. Uh, I saw that one over there. Uh, no, I don't. You have more ticks than fucking Jared Nathan. This is incredible. Unbelievable. So you don't talk about that. Uh, yeah, no, it's pretty early.

What are some other premises? Without doing the jokes, give us some more premises? We got air mattress, what else? Well, I've been on a few times What is a set list look like stuff that we have talked about my dad killed himself. I talked about that Edna was in the lot. Okay. Yep. Yeah. Was that before or after you started stand-up comedy? That was right before right before. right before he knew he knew what was coming yeah all right calling you've already got a little joke book right no okay well congratulations oh you look like you don't want one you don't want

oh yeah sure I'll take it no the crowd is insisting I don't No little joke but for Colin O'Mara. These are my people. Alright, we're gonna keep it moving along. This is wild. You guys are a fucking vicious, dark audience. I gotta say, my type of people. Um, okay, yeah. Let's do that. Let's turn the fucking energy in here around right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, you're about to witness something magical. Your next comedian is the newest regular on-coat-time. He got the job on Saturday, came out, smashed full dominance. He's one of the big talks of the club right now, one of the top young rising comedians in the world. This is his first spot as a regular at the mothership. You're here for it. Make some fucking noise for the one

and only camp patterns with everybody. I'm gonna sing a song for you. I'm gonna sing a song for you. Shut up. So I just moved to Austin and I love Austin. You know, because everybody lied to me when I got here. They were like, can you go love Austin? It's so diverse. Look at y'all.

I'm gonna say six other blackpuses I've been here and they've all been crackheads. And when I'm sorry, he got happy to owe shit or nothing. You like, and that view. That view, come in, that view. I wanna show you something around this corner, that you follow me. And I didn't want to follow him round the corner because I knew he was going to blow crack dust in my face. And if you all did not know, that's how you make crackheads. Did you know that, sir?

Welcome to the club, Niggas Up. You live outside forever now. Hey, heyinoop. You live our side forever now. Oh, it's my move. Wow, wow, wow, wow. Oh, my goodness. The present and the future of Piltoni has arrived. Cam Patterson, holy shit. Set of the night so far. First spot is a regular at the mothership. The people

already love you. This is absolutely incredible. You're all the hype. How old are you, Cam? Reminds us. 24 years old. And remind remind me again how long you been doing stand up to you two years Most of that in Orlando Florida. Yes, sir. What's the Orlando? Yes, sir? Absolutely West Orlando shout outs to you And how long have you been in Austin two months? Two months, okay awesome and you're still working as a golf cart. Nah, not in the mood. Right?

Not in the mood. I ain't a golf cart. I ain't a golf cart nigga no mood, man. I can tell him. Yeah. I'm the new door guy, the mother seal. Oh. Bueh-yah. Another one.

Yeah. Yeah. Chain-ging lives. I'm one step at a time. Another one. Changing lives. I'm gonna step at a time. I'm gonna do it, God, niggin' out. I'm gonna do it. Moving up, baby. I'm moving up, baby. Yeah.

I'm moving on up in the wind up. Baby, this shit. Great. Absa-fuckin' loot-leot. Moving on up in the middle of the way up, baby, this shit great! Absolutely. My mama's very proud of me. Yeah? You told her about everything that's going on? I cried like a bitch, dawg. I cried so hard it was insane.

It was insane. Yeah, it was insane. She saw that before, you know that. Unbelievable. I love it. You're close with your mom. Very close. My father and his dad do this shit, though.

My mom and real close, you know what I'm saying? Right. Your father is the reason you do it, because he hasn't been in your life. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, by the way, that's a me thing. Not a black person thing. I didn't know.

He been, nah, he been a host of it away. Like even when I came out the first time to visit, he would hear like, when I came to visit for the first week, he would like, hey, just to see you need to be on the and come back home like this is it. And I was like, you been behind me like the whole time. How are you? Oh, hell yeah.

Oh, man. Incredible. No doubt in my mind, he's going to try to take all your money when you're rich. There's no doubt about it. Unbelievable. Oli Sadeek is the first time seeing the great camp Patterson. Where are you going, sir?

Good to meet you. Um, a lot of family support, huh? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, that's different. That's different. Oh, there. No, there it is, because my mother was like, what? You don't want me hating this shit at first.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, she would not on board. Yeah. She would not on board. That's the air. Take that. Take you to do a lot of good shows for them to be on board. Your father's on board from the beginning. From the beginning. My mama called my dad.

She was like, tell them, don't do it. Tell them it's a bad idea. Tell them the quit right now. Tell them to get a job in the career. But that was like, I got you. I'm gonna talk them out of it. And then the hunger at the phone was like, you want to do this shit nigga go hard.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a fucking thing. Yeah. Yeah. You go hard, man.

What is that? God damn right. So, this is a question. Talk to me. Talk. You gonna dress like this the whole time? I gotta get some money first. Yeah, I'm just one of it.

This is like, you gotta get some money first. I gotta get some money for these fair gummots. Slime. They ain't got nothing to do with nothing right now. They ain't got nothing to do with them. I think fair gummots. We've done my residency. You gotta go on. I'm gonna slide. We talk about the rest of this shit you got going on.

Oh, they're comfortable. I know, but let me tell you something. Talk to me. When people start paying to see you, you ain't gonna be just like this. They go, because they don't want to see what they money going. Because you ain't going to. No, but for right now because you ain't got to.

No, but for right now, you okay? Yeah. Really? Oh, with, I like it. I see you like, you look very cosmol. It is part of like his almost trademark style. You said that you wear the slides and socks every time you perform, right? Every time I get on stage, yeah. Yeah.

Because I like, you know, you were good at being a screener and I was horrible. And I ran straight to the stage, and finished it immediately. Can we put that through a black-to-white translator, please? Yeah, she's taking too time. Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Oh, my god. Okay, basically, what do you say? Yeah, there it is. What, what, what, what, what was it? Let me, let me tell you what do he said. Yeah, there it is. What was it? Let me tell you what he said. Yeah.

I was good at being a street dude and he was horrible at it. And yeah, because I was, yeah, I was pretty good. I was pretty good at being the fans interrupted me. That's the only thing that could. It's the only thing that could. Who the fuck is this nigga? Son of a bitch it. They just get you on on a wheel. Yeah, I didn't get me. Okay, good. I left immediately. Yeah. That's what you supposed to do. Yeah. I like it.

So when you see it, like when did you start? This is my can I tell you a question? Absolutely. I love it. I love it. I just this is my this is my thought. Okay. Yeah. So how do you 24 right? 24. OK, because my oldest son is 29. My oldest daughter is 24. OK, so when did you start hustling?

Like 19. 19. Yeah, I started out the best. Which of you mean you started late? That's 19. Yeah. OK, so I'm like a lot of years older than you. A lot. Like I'm like a lot of years older than you a lot a lot like I'm 49. Yeah, what didn't you see?

What did we say to make you get in the street to start hustling? What you mean? Like I By 1997 it was it was a lot of movies out and a lot of things out in the old Satan, know the drugs and all this shit. What made you start hustling after you saw all that shit? Because if it would have been out, because I was hustling away before, I'm like in the 80s when Crank first started. So we didn't know, we didn't have no commercials. And we was saying,

so if I were to saw like the, what happens, then I probably would have never did it. What didn't we say? And I always asked this when people start hustling way after I got out of prison. I was like, fuck, ain't that gonna get me? So you solved the shit like, okay, you end up,

because this was all of the questions. If you sell dope, you're gonna end up in prison or then and you was like, they not gonna get me, that's not it. Yeah. That's not gonna get my ass. I'm a loser, they're not gonna give me that's not fair. That's not fair. That's not fair. That's not fair. I'm a loser, but they're gonna cast me, I'm a loser.

It's an incredible amount of confidence. Where do you think this confidence comes from, Cam Patterson, you have it on stage, you had it on the streets. Shit, I don't know, my dad, probably, I've always been a confident dude, you know what I'm saying, I've always been. Yeah, I've been hollering,

but everything else I did, it's all I did, comedy, it was just like, what I'm saying? I've always man. Yeah, I've been hoax But I didn't guess I didn't start I did comedy would you like this hit? And then I love it and you have a lot to do my friend to do minute every single week from here on out It's first minute of mother's ship wildly wildly successful. Come on make it loud for the great-cam patterns and everybody He has arrived Oh my goodness, how exciting! Brand new muscle! Of course, he's taking the place of the great David Lucas who gets to do a spot anytime

he wants to promote anything he wants in the future. He's enjoying his first Monday off in a while. So back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, we're going to meet this person all together, make some noise for Dylan Ressucci, everyone. Dylan Ressucci, a lot of Italian names tonight. One more time for Dylan, everybody. These people wait all night for this. Come on. You guys will watch porn? Hell yeah. No, but there's too many ads before the porn videos on porn hub now, you know? Like I clicked on a video the other day, I clicked on a video and this ad popped up, right? And it's like this female robotic sounding voice comes on

and she's like, want a master bait? But don't have a partner? Guys, seeing that one? Dude, is that an obstacle for anyone? Like, I ever like, oh, I want a master bait, but I'm all alone. Dang it. Guess I can't. Right. Partner, at least I wouldn't see that, and they're like, oh, I better phone a friend.

Yeah, some of these ads are aggressive though. You know, like the other day I clicked one and this one ad comes up, it's like thousands of people are fucking in an online game. It's like, all right. That doesn't really appeal to me, you know. I don't need metapussy. All right, whatever.

Thank you. Out of the night for the bucket polls tonight. My goodness, unbelievable. Dylan Rasucci. How long have you been doing stand-up? Let me guess two years. Uh, basically two or three. Basically three, basically three. But not three yet.

Well, I started right before the pandemic, like going a lot, but when did you start? The for well the first I mean I did this for actually for a few years So I didn't really start until like end of 2019 when you really really really really really really start the answer that you originally said And it's why 19 the end of 2019. Yeah, so you that would be four years Yeah, well, then I say three I guess because then there's like the weird break with the COVID and shit, you know. Right, so you did it for a month or two. How many times do you think you did it before the pandemic?

Before the pandemic? I don't know. Probably like 50 or something like that. 50 times, so in between December of 2019. The first time I did it was 2016, but then I did it very sprigly for year and a half. Oh, it's getting worse folks This isn't credible. I started good. You're like all the bucket pulls tonight smushed together to the point to where even your hats a little too large for your head It's absolutely incredible. I think we could fit at least two big joke books in the side of that thing

Okay, Dylan. What do you do for work? I work at a fish market. Okay, we're at a quality seafood, awesome. Okay. So what do you do with the fish market? I do want to work behind the counter. I cut fish, I've done deliveries once. They kind of have me do a bunch of different shit. Okay, what do you sketch the answer?

I'm sorry, you're doing okay. How long have you been at the fish market? So there have only been there for like a month, but would you do before that? So I've only lived there like three months from upstate New York. I worked at the fish market there for almost 10, like 10 years. Okay. Yeah. All right. Okay. What do you do for fun, Dylan? Give us something about your very interesting life when you're not doing kind of stand-up over years and sometimes and not at all and sometimes.

Well, I used to play a lot of basketball. Oh, yeah. I'm State New York basketball. This is what they look like, folks. This is the fucking... Wow. Okay, what else other than basketball uh go to concerts

i've seen the band fish like ninety times you love fish yeah you can't get enough fucking fish yeah fish the worst band ever fish market the worst place to work on planter etch dude do you only hang out with girls with smelly pussies? Yes, make sure you feel like you're making money Yeah, what is your love life like you seem completely unbearable Bro, bro, come on are we bros now? No, we're not I just really are not No, it's non-existent right now Okay, I haven't had sex like eight months. Eight months.

Wow, that's incredible. Incredible. What do you think, why do you think this is? Well, I went through a breakup and I haven't tried that hard and I don't know. What was the breakup? How long were you with the girl that you went through the breakup? Like four and a half years?

Okay, how did it end? She cheated on you? No, no. Well, you just don't know that she cheated on you. No, she wasn't a cheater. It was her idea to break up with you. She just wanted to be friends after Friday. Right. Did you notice that? Did you happen to notice that she immediately had a boyfriend? No, that didn't happen. It's a long story. You're saying it like it did happen, but then It's a long story. You're saying it like it did happen, but then you said that like it definitely did happen.

No, dude, but they're making a song film come to terms with it. Do you hear that? Okay, I'm the closest to him. So when he died over here, I'm gonna stop him because he is, this is like a lot of pressure for him. Like these are some softball questions. Are you the, you just breaking? I'm telling the truth. I'm telling the truth.

I don't know what's going on with me. It's a long story. She's honestly. We know it's a long story. We know that. Give us some of the clips notes to this long story. When you say, no, it's not like that. What do you mean?

Because she said she wanted to be your friend. I've known you for five minutes and 30 seconds. I don't want to be your friend. So why would a girl that's been with you four and a half years all of a sudden want to go from being your girlfriend to being your friend? We dated for four and a half years, we never lived together. And I wanted to live together.

And she wouldn't, for multiple reasons, partially because I smoked too much weed, I guess. Sure. But she also, I mean, it's real fucking sad story, honestly, but I think she's kind of, oh god, I knew this was gonna happen. You knew this was gonna happen. I knew you were gonna ask about this relationship

as you know, sound sketchy, but it's the truth. I swear to God. God, I want to know more. Like, she, she was like, she didn't want to date anymore. She just wanted to be friends, and I'm like, I can't fucking date you every break up. So I was like, I mean, I'm going to wee smoke. Huh?

You don't blame it on the wee smoke. No, I mean, we had different, different lifestyles. Like, I was doing comedy. She fucking was going to sleep super early. Like, I think she just didn't want to go along with it What do you sleep to not super early? There's different lifestyles. I don't know. I just sleep super early How early are we talking about take you to see like fucking eight nine o'clock?

Dude you have a last person to find out that you were getting cheated on this is incredible This is unbelievable. Look at every pet, go ahead. The place is in chaos right now. They are all agreeing with me. Nobody goes to sleep at eight or nine p.m. What did she do? What is she doing?

What does she do for work? Well, I don't know exactly what she's doing now. She was working for... Damn! Damn! I guess. She's like, I can't do my job.

This interview is getting better and better as it goes on. This is unbelievable. You're turning this whole... I haven't talked to her in a year. You're about to leave with a big joke book. I haven't talked to her in a year. If you keep this shit up, dude. I haven't talked to her in a year.

But she used to work at an herbalist's office. Herbalist's office? Yes. She was super into herbalism. Yes, I swear to God. She's a porn on him. An herbalist office. Oh my God.

Was the herbs marijuana perhaps? No, that's what she didn't like. You're marijuana, dude. Upstate New York fucking swag you or smoke Okay, so let's talk about it even more What time did she have to wake up for that job Dylan? Seven a.m. Something like that seven a.m. For an herbalist job, but she get Yeah, she got up like fucking five in the morning. I don't know. She would get up at five in the morning.

There's a lot more detail. You know, you just, I don't know. What do you want for me, man? The answers for the questions. I don't believe them. Don't believe me. I'm telling you. So when would you guys hang out when you weren't doing

sleep at night? Do we would hang out like every Saturday after every Saturday night? Every Saturday night. Give us an example of what you guys would do. Saturday night to Sunday afternoon. What would you guys do? Give us an example. Give us the routine. Go ahead.

Sure. I would come home from work. A lot of times we like fucking make a meal together, we'd hang out, maybe bang, go to sleep. Or when you say maybe bang. What size do you bang Sunday morning instead of Saturday night? It's truth. And then. So nothing in public. Nothing in public. Oh, we had sex in the woods once, we went from... We went hiking a lot. That's not what we were talking about.

We were talking about going out in public. I believe it. I thought you said bang in public. That was normal, I don't know. How did you end up having sex in the woods? I like to say bang in public like that was normal. I don't know How did you end up having sex in the woods? We were we were hiking we hiked a lot I was a little bit sick and not like a dry hand job or something like that. No, I'm sure it was good Oh, okay Can you describe to us the how it all started? So you're on a hike through the woods what happens?

Going down the old happy trail you pull a backpack off go ahead yeah probably yeah we probably are you writing this as you go tell us the story we get up to like top of the fucking mountain and then I don't I don't I it was a while ago but wait a second are you pretending like you don't remember the one time that you had sex outside in the woods with a girl that you We on average we won't are weak. We got yes. I Know it's that you don't remember this no no we got to the top and they kind of went down on the side a little bit And then you know one thing led to another led to another Describe

I probably I was probably touching her bought a bunch touching her butt. Yeah, I was like, look at it No, she was That's how it starts everybody knows that's how sex starts you just start fucking touching a butt and everything else just the clothes Just fly on every direction. I swear to god. So you're touching her, but I'm gonna make you give every fucking detail of this story The more you resist the more I will push. Well, honestly, a lot of times I would just get a boner and I could just show it to her and she would start touching it.

I swear to God. And you never decided to hang out with her before your stand-up spots between the hours of like five and seven before she would fall asleep. You would show this bitch your boner and she would just start jumping on top of it. Yes, but you decided to only do this on Saturday nights. By the way, shut the fuck up, which by the way is the biggest night to do stand-up comedy

in every city in the world. You chose Saturday as date night, but you never went to her other, other evenings. Dude, it was her choice. I wanted to see her way more. It was not, it was not choice. I wanted to see her way more. It was not it was not good Let me ask you this It's such she was married Look at married

You're right. I really think you might be right She's not married. Oh my god So the in closing in closing I'm controlling the interview She's not married. Oh my God. So in closing. She is. She is. I'm controlling the interview. In closing.

All right. You would show her your boner. I swear to God. And she would just jibbal over it, right? But now you're also, at the same time, telling us all, all of us, that there's no way that she was hooking up with any other guy. Yes. She was just the magic of your boner. Bro. No, she I know because she had a lot of intimacy problems and shit like she had to be very like like she would only like hook up with people if she was really in love with them and shit.

It's a really, I'm swear to God. What the fuck? You guys. Oh, there's the bull heel turn. We saw this on Saturday and we see it again. Come on, you guys get fucking booted out of the neck. Oh. Oh.

You suck, you suck, you suck. You like my first joke? Out of the neck! Woo! Woo! Oh! Fuse! Fuse! Fuse! Fuse! You like my first joke? Here's a little joke, my friend! There you go! Fuse! Fuse! Fuse! Fuse! There you go, Dylan Rasucci, ladies and gentlemen. Ah! It's crumpled on little...

Oh! It's crumpled on little... Oh! It's crumpled on little... It's crumpled on little... It's crumpled on little... Gentlemen. Oh, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, Everyone knows nothing gets me harder than someone snapping and having the whole crowd turn against them On Keltzownin. I mean just not that he was whole Barely holding it together holding it holding it holding it holding it holding it. Fuck you guys Oh my god. Oh, let's get through another one of these fucking holes, everybody. We're all in it together. Tonight you with us? Here we go. We're going to meet them all together.

Mixed noise for Bobby Johnson, everybody. His baby shot down come on one more time for Bobby Johnson everybody you uh you guys can do anything you want in this country uh people will tell you otherwise. If you don't believe me, I have four words for you. Beverly Hills, Chihuahua 3. Because if they can make a movie about Chihuahua's running a hotel, I think you can open a business. The other night, I was taking my after Chick-fil-A poo and I was thinking about how my wife and I have been arguing over what to name the new baby and I would like to name it OJ. That way, when she goes into labor, I can scream, the juice is loose! I opened up an animal abuse shelter in the middle of the woods. That way, the road to recoveries nowhere near a well beaten

path. Thank you. Bobbi Johnson, welcome back to the show. I remember you. I never forget a face like yours. I love it. Welcome, welcome. Absolutely. How long you been on Stand Up comedy? It's been five years and nine months. Five years and nine months. How many times do you think you've signed up for this show? This is my fourth time.

I want to do one at least on the mothership. Right. Yeah. You're fourth time signing up at the mothership? No. Overall in Austin. Oh. I don't know.

You're fourth time on the show. Yes, right. Exactly. How often you sign up? I've since like they've been doing it here at the mothership, maybe like three weeks. Yeah. The three. Yeah. Okay. There you go. Bobby, how much were your parents drinking when they made you?

I don't know. Do they drink a lot now? No. No. Do they quit drinking? No. Okay. Right.

Alright. Bobby, what do you do for work? I work at a Greek restaurant right now. Okay. Very good. Very good. Is your girl really pregnant? No, I'm not married at all.

Okay. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married.

I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. I'm not married. So Bobby how long have you lived here in Austin almost two years, but I've lived in Texas since 2009

Okay, where'd you move in 2009 to come here? Burming ham Alabama. Okay. Oh, yeah, huge upgrade. Yeah Absolutely that explains your face now like it Something in the water there See you do a lot of like made-up jokes like I'm married. I got a baby on the way There's something in the water there. See, you do a lot of like made up jokes like, I'm married, I got a baby on the way, I'm gonna name it OJ. Okay.

Yeah. What else do you lie about during your set? Oh, oh my god, anything that's funny. I love it. Yeah. Okay. Alright. What's your love life like in real life since you don't have a wife?

Not really anything. I haven't really done anything since I've been here. Okay. What do you masturbate to? Uh, porn. Okay. Is it like cousins? Are you into like what great people from Birmingham Alabama are you to?

You don't even do step sister porn you do real sister porn don't you? Okay, when he said he haven't had sex since he's been here. Are you talking about Austin? Are you talking about period? No, since Austin Okay, I was gonna be clear Right Right with the last time you did have sex, what was that like? I just, I disappointed her greatly. Can you explain a little bit better? The last guy did as well.

He just doesn't think so. But go ahead. Tell us about your disappointment. I know you'll be open and honest to me. Right. I just, I finished, it was in college. I finished very quickly, and she was just like really disappointed. How quick are we, Tom?

One pump, two pumps, one minute. 15 seconds. 10 to 15 seconds. OK, you pulled out or was this with a condom? What a condom, yeah. With a condom. So you came inside over with a condom on. Yeah.

And then you pulled out. Sure. How long did you try to pretend like you didn't come? No. You're just like, I came. And did you immediately start apologizing? Yeah. No? What did you say?

I was just like, I'm done. And she's like, yeah, I know. Oh, wow. Oh, my God. How do you think she knew? I could see on her face. She was like, like, are you kidding me? Kind of thing.

I'm just. Ha, ha, ha. Oh, wow. Oh, okay, this is the thing with that your first time having sex. Yeah, okay, I figured right out it was real quick Yeah, okay, so next time yeah I'm gonna tell you this if you finish quick you can start over okay It's long with it only if you can start over. Okay. It's long with it on leave. You can start over. Okay. Yup. Now you're like, ah, then you just take a hot towel,

I'll bat you some real quick, and then come right back. Don't take no time. Okay. Right back. Right. Right. Absolutely. And next time you're about to come too fast, picture moving back to Birmingham.

And you're gonna last so lot longer. Last time you were on the show, did you get a big joke book? I did. Very good. Well, then we have nothing left to talk about here. Fun set, really good job. I do believe the best bucket pool of the night makes the most for Bobby Johnson everybody. We're gonna give it a move. Thank you Bob. Hey Oh, look at that. He just got booked on a real show

Amazing all right Wait a second we didn't get a We didn't get a female up here, didn't we? No, we did not. We will pull, yeah, but that's a special tree. Yeah, yeah, we gotta go on up here. Oh, there's one right there. Alright, pass that along.

In the meanwhile, we do have a special treat for you guys. You know, part of the 10-year anniversary that happened, there was a lot of great, great comedians that came out. A lot of legends of the history of the show that came out. This young lady is a legend in Killtony folklore. One of the oldest performers that we ever found, she started very, very late in the game. You know, perhaps writing isn't the strongest set, but her performance, her likability, her entertaining interviews, makes an Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh my goodness. Come on everybody it's mother fucking afro diet. You know they put the ugly people too close to the stage. It's gonna throw me off. I wasn't ready. Damn. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready for that.

You know, I just want you all to check this out. You know, God Almighty is a stand up comedian. Did y'all realize that? Just look at the person next to you. Just look at their face. You understand why God is a stand up comedian. Making jokes on all I fucking faces on my ass. He took my ass and made a joke out of it.

And gave me a little skinny lady like a fucking arseter. I said, God, I'm supposed to walk with this damn body. And he goes, go ahead, go ahead, try God's gate. No, I'm sorry. But I got a new job, everybody. Yeah, I'm selling cascus for 29.95. And I'm mostly going to sell to you, young motherfuckers, because I'm tired of young with TV.

I've been throwing cups and shit at the TV. I think the thing about getting a gun is shooting some time tired of you, young motherfuckers. All people we sacks you too, you know? Bring your ugly ass kids over for us, the babysit. Motherfuckers. Afro, Dirty with a minute, seven seconds. In unexpected minute, you didn't even know you were performing until yesterday or late

yesterday evening, correct? Yes. Because you told me that you were leaving and I missed red the message and said, I'm expecting another minute because you said, I'm leaving whatever. I missed red the fucking day. Yeah, I thought I was leaving today. And then I had to give you money for a hotel room again. It's shit. Okay. Yeah, I got it Why do they call it a hotel? Oh

How dare you afero 90 you had an amazing minute though in front of 3,000 people at the ACL live Moody theater on Saturday night an incredible performance How did that make you feel oh To be almost 70 and to see all you beautiful people It's just my heart almost stops, you know, it's just live your life magically. You know fuck with people say I love it. I absolutely love it. This is a aloe mean six-month-old daughter by the way. I don't know if you guys know that. Oh yeah, I got a new Afro for 29.95 and you white people can get one, two, and a hood. Is that true? Is that not real? Hey, oh no. I got to wear some eBT card and shit, you know, I got to take it back out to the show

Oh my goodness Afro did you prepare anything else for us? Usually sing a little song you know how to bring the place we gonna do a little careless whispers for y'all right? Oh shit really I'm just gonna do a verse in ad live, you know You know I'm saying cuz I gotta go backstage and give one these honey's here, okay? All right ladies and gentlemen, giving us a little musical performance.

Bring us the one and only mother fucking afro-didey, everybody. Alright. Hey, turn these keys, turn it up. Oh, let loose, baby, turn it up. Oh, let loose, now turn it up. Yeah! Yeah! I, you're so honest, oh all my baby As you take my hand

And leave me to the days long When the music dies Something in your pretty brown eyes Comes to mind The silver screen Yours is a sad fight I'm never gonna dance again The ice cream, the ores It'll say I divide I'm never gonna dance again I'm killed to be found

I know real-time No, it's easy to pretend I know you're not a fool I should've known better than a cheat on my friend A face that just I haven't given Who I'm never gonna dance again, the way I dance, man Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Maybe you wouldn't have done wrong What an eye, what an eye, what an eye I do owe to your baby to make you leave me alone

We love her, you should love her too. Thank you. Future Kiltzoni Hall of Famer. Future in Memorium video participant. I asked when I fit in there, that's for the white girls. Aphrodite, did you ever get one of these big joke books to write jokes in? You know what's amazing is that the great Bones Eye has been making these for so long. They're available at Killmurch.com, but what's crazy about tonight, but leave it or not, is that they're all actually numbered. And the 1000th ever Killtony joke book is right here.

And I think nobody deserves it more than you, Aphrodite. thousandth ever kill Tony joke book is right here and I think nobody deserves it more than you after a daddy. There's a little something to write your jokes in next time I throw you a spot in 24 hours notice Like I always say when you're on I love that everybody that comes up here different shapes and sizes and stories We're gonna keep it moving How about one more time for the great approach? Alright, we have one last bucket pull everybody We wanted to get a new woman up here because the scales are so tilted. There's so many fucking, as we've seen in our unfunny dudes that sign up for the show.

We like to even tie it a little bit, that's how we found Afro Dide fucking seven or eight years ago in Los Angeles, pulling for a woman. We got a new one here, ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Alexis Ramirez everybody. One last quick set, and we put a ribbon on this thing. Here she is Alexis remira's everyone. In the biz they like to call me a headliner. They call a bag of cocaine. I think autistic people have the correct response to eye contact. Personally, I believe eye contact should be reserved for two people, your mother and people who have seen your come face.

People keep making eye contact with me and I take that as a sexual advance. Dance. Okay, you done? Okay. All right, there you go. You just, 54 seconds, you just started looking back and forth at me. How you doing? I'm good. How long you been on Standup Comedy for? March 7, 2022. 7, 2022.

I'll do the math for you. Thank you. That's a year and a couple months. Yes. All right. Very good. How's it been going for you? Just doing it.

That's not an answer. I just, I keep showing up. They can't stop me. I love it. We got damn right. Absolutely. What do you do for work? I'm a seamstress. At a bridal company that could be in trouble. Maybe it's not in trouble. Maybe everything's fine. I can't. I really thought she was going to say art teacher. I know. You do. You have those energies. You have crazy teacher energies. Yeah. I wear it to throw everyone off.

Okay, you always wear that? I like it. Again, you're answering different questions than what I'm asking. So you dyed your hair blonde about eight or nine months ago, huh? It coincided with when I started stand up. Yeah, makes sense you're just gonna let it grow out. That's right. I love it. I love it. Exactly how many cats do you own? My roommate has a cat but I don't. Is your roommate a cat? Because that would be two cats. Which is about what I had you at. My roommate is my ex-boyfriend. So he is a pussy!

Oh! Wow, I love that. Why do you still live with your ex-boyfriend? And how long have you two been broken up for? We moved in in August, and I broke up in September. Wow. What happened? Why do you think you guys broke up? I bet you both have different reasons,

but I'm going to ask what you think. I told him I didn't have time for a boyfriend. Wait a second. To love. Wait a second. I had to love a stand-up comedy five nights a week. Wow. You had him be a co-signer like one month after you just break up with him.

Yeah. He's a great. So hold on a second here. You live together for a month and then you go I have to break up with you. I'm gonna be in love with stand-up comedy. So you guys don't ever hook up, you don't ever do anything, you're literally just roommates. Just roommates. What does he do? He works at a hotel. Okay, what does he do at a hotel? Check in Okay Hell yeah, and when you checked in you checked out

Absolutely incredible. Yes, so is it ever odd? Do you ever take boys back there in front of him? I did once okay It was sexy. You're funny. Thanks. Okay, when you say it was sexy, can you describe it a little more? I was like, it's hard to make noise for me. So I was more excited to make noise so that maybe he would hear it. Oh, my goodness. I would be pissed.

Yeah. This is like, you just sent you to have, so he, okay, so when you sent you to have time for a boyfriend to love, he worked. He worked. Did he give you your other option? Why don't we just, you know, you do what you're doing? We just fuck every once in a while.

And obviously you have time for that. At that point, I was like three months into comedy. I was like, doing it all the time. I didn't want to Get in the way of that. Yeah, I feel like fucking him while I'm doing it still would be complicated But why but fucking somebody else while y'all still there was not complicated So you think you just hear that listen like there. He's doing a good ass job

He has his own stuff to figure out you know Can I can I take a guess at something and say that he brought a girl back to your place a few weeks before you did that a Wow Wow. Wow, curveball. Oh, my God. He has the things to figure out himself. You turned him gay. I think I might. Oh, my God. Did you manually under here? Did you inform the dude that you brought back because of you would have told me out it would have been extra noisy

Yeah, the man I brought back was a fan a fan a fan of you an open mic Oh my god, yeah, and you were extra loud was it was a comedian Bobby Johnson because if you were extra loud they'd be hilarious because he only lasted 10 seconds It's just 10 seconds of screaming sounds like a woman getting murdered and then it's over I knew the other guy, but you didn't like him so I didn't know him actually no man wait what the guy from South Carolina the other guy Oh, yeah, I know of him. Oh, yeah. Oh yeah. Was that the guy that got booed? With the sweaty shirt. Did he get booed? Well everybody kind of sucked tonight, except for you.

Yeah. It's actually incredible. The bucket pulls. It's been a year and a few months. I'd love to have you on the secret show, Thursday. Wow. Incredible. I'm not in town.

What? I leave tomorrow. Oh, she leaves. So not in town. What? I leave tomorrow. Oh, she leaves. So where are you going tomorrow? Back to South Carolina. Wait, that's where you live? Yeah. Columbia, South Carolina.

No, I live in Greenville right now, but I'm moving to New York in like 15, 17 days. You're moving to New York City. Oh, I think that's going to be absolutely fantastic for you. You seem like you're from, that's where you're born and raised, South Carolina. Oh, I think that's going to be absolutely fantastic for you. You seem like, if you're from, that's where you're born and raised, South Carolina. Mostly, yeah. Right. I think that's going to be amazing for you to live in a big city, get some experience, more experience. And my guess is you'll be back here in a few years when everybody realizes that everything's coming

here anyway. This thing, but that's going to be good for you. City living, life experience. I think you're hilarious. I don't think you really showed your full potential in your minute, but in this interview, the eye contact, the connection, the direct funny answers. I know what funny people are like when they're over there, and I'm seeing it with you. It's very, very exciting.

Congratulations. Here's a big joke book, number 1,001, from the great Bones Eye. Take this to New York with you, fill it up with your best shit ever. It was nice to meet you. Alexis Ramirez with our Killtoni debut, everybody. How cool is that?

Yeah. And now it's come to that time ladies and gentlemen Allie you're about to see something but this is the actual craziest part of the show The man that you're about to see has done more new minutes than any person in the history of the show more Interviews than anybody in the history of the show On Saturday night he became the second ever, only second ever, Hall of Fame inductee to the Kiltoni Hall of Fame. The man is an instant legend. Out of all the regulars, he refuses to retire.

He refuses to take challenges. He calls the shots. He's making tens of thousands of dollars a month on cameo. He is the big red machine, the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla here with a brand new minute, makes a noise for the one and only. William Montgomery! I'm excited about my parents being here tonight. If you see them, you'll be able to tell I have my mother's chin and my father's testicles By the way my dad is always saying make Germany great again Papa. What does that mean? The Saudis have taken over the PGA tour and they're already changing some rules

Miss a putt on the back nine, ten years in jail and a thousand lashes. Tear ball in front of the tea markers. You know your hands can chop tough. Exidentally, lose your ball out of bounds. 10,000 migrant workers never see their homes in Somalia again. Don't finish the hole with your same ball. You know your wife can stone to death Donald Trump will appear in a federal court next Monday after being accused of illegally hoarding classified documents When asked about the felony charges Trump responded the only person who should be getting felony charges right now is person who should be getting felony charges right now is Apex Twin for performing live for the first time this past week and in Denmark and not America. Apex Twin! Apex Twin! Apex Twin! Apex Twin! Apex Twin! Apex Twin! Apex Twin! Okay, okay, okay All right, William Montgomery everybody unbelievable

Again and again and again no one brings more energy no one brings more chaos to the show than you Absolutely amazing. How do you feel? I feel pretty good, but Tony tonight? I actually gonna found out today, but I missed the phone call tomorrow I find out if I actually have skin cancer so I thought I would kind of lighten the mood up Tonight so I brought a little friend y'all are gonna have to be really quiet though I want to show you all my sweet little friend. I brought tonight. Let me oh my god Ladies and gentlemen Oh That isn't it really is a sweet little dog.

So all the pieces of shit on fucking YouTube and Reddit, suck my dick! Cause this is a sweet little dog! That is a sweet little dog. She's already shit twice on me, so I hope she doesn't. Yeah, she looks scared to death right now. Yeah, I think this was a bad idea. I almost feel a little bad.

She also doesn't like Hispanic people, so it doesn't help if Pablo Escobar is sitting in the mirror. is sitting in the hole. But yeah, it's exciting to be her. She's scared as shit. But yeah, I thought I would just bring her up. Does she always shake like that? She doesn't. She's just really scared right now. But wow, it's okay. Oh, my goodness. The dog is definitely a sweet sweet little dog does she like being in that bag? Who said no you fucking stupid bitch I see it was you She loves being in this bag She actually lives in this bag bitch so

Ever since I brought her on from the vet, yes, he's just been living in here and she's my sweet little girl friend and I really love her. Oh my goodness. Oh, she looks like she's in. Oh my goodness. Oh my god, he's licking the dog. I'm her mama. Oh, how sweet. I'm her sweet mama. I'm her sweet mama. Are you in on that angle, Kristi? I mean, this thing is unfuckin' believable. She loves it when I look red like I'm her mom. Get on the way in there, Kristi.

Don't, these people don't need to see anything. Get on in there. Look at this fucking thing. What kind of dog is this? I don't know. Jerbal? It's a, no, it's a rot wiler. She's gonna get a lot bigger. I don't know. Not a goddamn rot wiler. This is a rot wiler, I mean. Yeah, this is a rot wiler. Ah!

I don't get it. What's so funny? The dog is dead. The fucking dead. The people on Craigslist told me it's a little baby rock That's why she costs $10,000. They said it's a really weird kind of rock Crazy honestly the shaking is increasing to a point that I'm getting kind of concerned If this dog dies to end the show. But yeah, we'll see. We'll see the lady thinks I have cancer.

So hopefully it's not too bad. Why is that funny? I'm not getting. Why is that funny? By the way, I know that he has lied and joked about a great many things on the show. But this one is real. If you look, he has a bandaid on the back of his neck. Come on, show him the bandaid.

They cut it off. I had to get three shots, because red-headed people, uh, see that bandaid. Something with red-headed people. This is real. He actually does have the- I was that funny, red band. Hold on, excuse me, Tony.

What the fuck? Yeah, that's not going to lead anywhere. OK. But the doctor that removed the thing off of your neck, you said that she was pretty positive that it was cancer correct correct Can you describe what she said that made you feel that way? She said yeah, it looks like you have skin cancer. Don't worry. It's the kind that you want and I just look at her I'm like bitch what the fuck I don't want any kind of skin cancer, so I don't know why you said that, but she seemed

all right about it, so we'll see. I love it. I love it. And we find out tomorrow. Find out tomorrow. So next week's episode, we're going to find out if you have to have more serious operations or not. Yes, we'll see if I have a couple months to live or not.

If I do, y'all are going gonna see me back on that co-kay. Hey. Oh shit. Oh shit. The Pablo Escobars in the room are very excited right now. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Maybe we should, maybe we should end it with one little song about the dog, huh? Yeah. You want to lead everybody in it? I got a sweet little dog yesterday yesterday Oh the words you singing you dumbass! Little dog yesterday yesterday

I got a sweet little duck Yes, third day, yesterday, day I got a sweet little duck Yes, third day, day There he goes, everybody, the great William Montgomery everyone We did it! A ridiculously long episode of Killtony for those of you that like complaining about episodes being short. Whatever. I'll out in this place, get for our guests. First time

on the show, we can't wait to have him back. Ollie Sadeeg, everybody. The Domino Effect too, lost on YouTube. I want all of you guys to go watch it. It's gonna blow your mind. Ollie is one of the great comedians of our time. Check out his upcoming tour dates at aliestodique.com. That's A-L-I-S-I-D-D-I-Q. Dot com Ollie, thank you for joining us.

Hell yeah, an absolute pleasure. About one more time for the best standband in the land, the Killtony band, everybody. That's Matt Muelling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. That's the great Tarrell Shaheed on the horns. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Demandists on the bass guitar.

Let's see the drawing from Chris Rogers. Chris Rogers art. Oh It's a brand new Camp Patterson everybody the drawing from Ryan J. E. Felt is in that'll pop up on your screen right now We did it again Red Rose yellow Rose Austin security guard service CM Smokehouse gel blaster screw ball peanut butter whiskey kill merch Dot com is absolutely thriving right now. And you can also maybe, maybe, if this comes out, I highly doubt it, but maybe you can get tickets to the arena on New Year's Eve.

I told everybody on Saturday you are going to be sick of your family after Christmas time. You might as well celebrate New Year's Eve here in Austin. Planet Trips, spend the little money. This is the most fun city on Planet Earth. I promise you, or else I'd be hanging out in the city that you live in. And I don't think you see me there ever. Anyway. And check out my new comedy club, The Sunset Strips Next Door.

It's SunsetStripATX.com. We love you guys. Thank you.X.com. We love you guys. Thank you, goodnight everybody. We love you. Thank you. 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc

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