KILL TONY - #619 - ARI SHAFFIR

Episode Date: July 18, 2023

Ari Shaffir, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/26/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:FACTOR! - Head to FACTORMEALS.COM/KILLTONY50 and use code "killtony50" to get 50% off your first box.--BOX OF AWESOME! - From style and grooming goods, tobarware, cooking tools, and outdoor gear, Box of Awesome hascollections for every part of your life. - Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign upat BOXOFAWESOME.COM and enter the code "KILLTONY" at checkout.--TALKSPACE! - As a listener of this podcast, you'll get $100 off of your first month with Talkspace. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com. Make sure to use the code "TONY" to get $100 off of your first month and show your support for the show. 

Hey, this is RedBan and you are listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. If you want to check out our merch, go to shop squad.tv for Desquad merch and tour dates or go to Kill Merch for all the Kill Tony merch, including posters, hats, shirts and hoodies, KillCliff.com I have a brand new comedy club. It's next door to the mothership. It's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. You can check out my secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. It's a great show. It's a great show.

It's a great show. It's a great show. It's a great show. It's a great show. It's a great show. It's a great show. Brand new comedy club, it's next door to the mothership, it's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, you can check out my secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip or go to SunsetStripATX.com for more information. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, this is Red Band coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kale Tony, get up for Tony, edge clown!

Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? Yippee! Makes some nice for Brian Redban, everybody! Yay! You did it. You made it to the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service CM Smokehouse and

Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey which proudly presents the Killtony band. Huh, people. You just got to listen to him for 30 minutes straight here in the live music capital of the world. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns. Matt Muleling on the electric guitar. The leader of the band John Bees on the keys. And this right here, the backbone, the one, the only, the spinal cord,

the master de-madness on the bass. A lot of fun stuff happening. All these guys are going to be joining us in a fucking arena here in Austin, Texas at the H.E.B. Center on New Year's Eve, just a heads up on that. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more than the amazing sponsors that made tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey, y'all, it's official. It's announced. It's out there.

My largest stand-up tour of my entire life. Oh, the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Columbus, Ohio, Kansas City, Missouri, Indianapolis, Indiana, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Tyson's, Virginia, just outside of D.C. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Pennsylvania, Tyson's Virginia just outside of DC. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, youngstown Ohio, Cincinnati, Ohio, San Francisco, California, Sacramento, California, San Diego, California, Phoenix, Arizona, New York,

New York, clear water, Florida, and Jacksonville, Florida. Tickets available at TonyHingeClip.com. Come see the crazy Texas fucking standup that I've been working on. You're not gonna believe it. Let's have some fun. You know, both in standup comedy and in all walks of life, let's face it, not everybody is always feeling the sunshine of summer.

It's easy to get down nowadays with social media and family and so many different aspects of life. But talk space has made it easy to find a therapist that you will like. It's convenient to meet online at home or wherever that you're most comfortable. Talk space is making a huge difference in many people's lives. If you ever thought that seeing a therapist or psychiatrist would be helpful, but you don't have the time to actually find one and meet with them or afford them. Try Talkspace.

By doing everything online, Talkspace is made getting the help you want easy, accessible, and affordable. When you've met your therapy goals, there's simply one to cancel. Talkspace has a simple cancellation process and will work with you to get a pro-rated refund for unused time if applicable. Don't wait.

You can get a therapist through Talkspace and it can help you shift your perspective, find tools to cope in difficult times and be a guiding light. Getting started is the most important part. Talkspace makes it easy and affordable. Red ban. At Talkspace.com, you can sign up online

and get a personalized match with a provider that's right for you, typically within 48 hours. It's incredibly convenient to have virtual sessions with your license therapist from the comfort of your own home. Talkspace lets you send messages to your therapist so you don't have to wait for your next session. Therapy can help you shift your perspective, find tools to cope in difficult times, and be a guiding light. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace. When you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony, to match with a license therapist today, go

to Talkspace.com slash Tony, to get $80 off your first month. And show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash Tony. Hey y'all, of all the packages that get dropped off of my door and trust me, that's a lot of packages that you know that I'm talking about hands down the best box I open every month is my box of awesome from bee spoke post my box of awesome is filled with carefully chosen gear from the best small brands Around the world. I'll tell you what I got this month. It's called the forge. It is an absolutely incredible It's a Damascus steel knife made by Buck and Bear knives located in Pennsylvania,

which is right next door to Ohio, which is where Red Band and I are both from. We absolutely love it. No matter what you have going on this summer, Box of Awesome has you covered from camping gear, essentials, cookout, must-haves, and drink game upgrades. Box of Awesome has collections for every part of your life. To get started, take the quiz at boxofawesome.com. Your answers will help them pick the right box of Awesome for you. What box of awesome did you get, right, man? Well, I got the cask. Each barrel is handcrafted with American White Oak, which has been shard to create a smokeier cocktail. I'm upgrading my liquor. They release new boxes every month across a ton of different categories. Each box is valued at around $70, but you only pay a fraction of that price.

Plus, with each box of awesome, you're supporting small businesses. 90% of everything that comes in your box of awesome is from a small up and coming brand. It's free to sign up and you could skip a month or cancel any time. Small businesses, the backbone of America, don't forget it. The greatest country in the world. Get 20% off your first monthly box when you sign up at boxofawesome.com and enter the code Killtonia. Check out that's boxofawesome.com. Code Killtonia for 20% off your first box. Boxofawesome.com. Code Killtonia. Hey y'all, now that we're in the thick of summer, you might be looking for wholesome convenient

meals to support sunny, active days. Factor, America's number one ready to eat meal kit can help you fuel up fast with flavorful and nutritious ready to eat meals delivered straight to your door. You'll save time, eat well, and stay on track reaching your goals. I've been so busy lately. Have a huge tour coming up. We just did the 10 year anniversary, which was exhausting to plan and execute and produce.

And with all this stuff going on, I'm too busy to cook, and I'm even too busy to be honest with you. I've gotten too busy to order delivery, like it's crazy. I'm by the time I do it, I'm already too hungry. It takes too long for it to get there no matter what type of delivery option I go with. So I have fallen in love, deeply in love with factor. I skip the extra trip to the grocery store

and the chopping and prepping and cleaning and the ordering and I get all the flavor and nutritional quality that I need. It's fresh, never frozen meals already in just two minutes. So all I have to do is heat and enjoy. Then get back outside and soak up the warm, summer, weather, or work.

Red band. It's great. And in only two minutes, it really does save a lot of time and money. It doesn't taste like two minutes. It doesn't, it's amazing. It's really good. It's not frozen, it's cooked.

Like a chef cooks it, and then you're just reheating an amazing meal And they offer delicious flavor-packed options on the menu each week to fit a variety of lifestyles If you're on keto or if you're just calorie smart vegan veggie and protein plus Prepared by chefs and approved by dietitians each meal has all the ingredients You need to feel satisfied all day long while meeting your goals. And if you're looking to mix it up, you can add a protein to select vegan and veggie meals each week.

This July, get factor and enjoy eating well without the hassle. Simply choose your meals and enjoy fresh, flavor, packed meals delivered to your door, ready in just two minutes, no prep, no mess. No doubt. Head to factor meals dot com slash Killtony 5-0oney50 and use code KillTone50 to get 50% off. That's KillTone50 at factormeals.com slash KillTone50 to get 50% off. And now the show. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what? Huh?

It's a sweet 73.0 degrees on stage right now. Every single week I have one of the funniest comedians in the world on the show. This week no different. This guy an absolute legend of the game much like myself comedy store through and through bleeds black and red an Unbelievable superstar coming off of one of the biggest specials of the last few years truly a guy that is a fucking survivor Someone who I've always looked up to make some goddamn noise for one of my favorite big brothers in all the comedy the one and only Are you sureuffeeer everybody? Come on people, he's Jewish, make some noise. Woo! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! great reviews. What's up, man? Welcome back. Thank you very much. I appreciate being here. It's great. As always, I was talking to myself back. I was trying to whisper because I didn't want anything to be through. So I was being as quiet as I could because I know how it is to record a live podcast. Right. Exactly. You're a professional in show business. It's amazing. I fucking love it. You've done the show many,

many times. It's good to have you on. It's a main room to fucking hear. That's it? Yeah. And many, many, many times we're stuck having you a absolutely shit face with Shane and Mark and after protect our parks and I'm glad to have you here. Solo, we're gonna really get to delve into these people here tonight. Yeah, Mark was supposed to come, but is Anus prolapsed. Oh, Mark was supposed to come, but is Aino's prolapse.

Oh, that happens a lot with him, yeah? Did you give him advice? Like, yeah, he had to go to the hospital, but he said the ductables too high. He didn't want to go in. That's incredible. That's incredible. Yeah.

And you agreed with him, right? I do. There's a ductile, dude. Ari's done the show numerous times. He knows what it is. A ton of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on this stage. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy, uninterrupted time.

You know, the time is up and you have the sign of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up there, and then they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set. And then we interview them. Everything's improvised. Anything can happen. We're going to meet some probably some insane people, probably some local veterans that could be a star.

You're going to fight? We're going to fight. Like a physical fight? Yeah, anything can happen, or do that. There was once a guy in all places, Austin, Texas, about seven years ago at Moon Tower Comedy Fest, who was pulled out of the bucket, who got really, really mad. He had a really bad set. And Jeremiah

Watkins at the time made fun of him. And he pushed Jeremiah, tried to grab him. And then Big J. Ocarson grabbed him from underneath his armpits and threw him into the arms of another bouncer. Yeah. Could he not grab Jeremiah? Because he's so skinny that he just kept like... He was on mushrooms also, the guy that attacked. That's not mushrooms. Right. Yep. Him being on mushrooms has the guy that attacked. That's not mushrooms. Right. Yup, him being on mushrooms has nothing to do with the story whatsoever.

But yeah, that's the gist of it. You guys ready to start tonight's show or what, huh? Hi. I was so close. Ladies and gentlemen, every week we start the show with the same young man that has been doing it for over two years. For the last three weeks, he has defended his honor of being a regular here. It is an absolute incredible feat this week.

We're giving him the week off of defending his spot to see as an experiment if he is literally lazier when not being challenged. So we're going to see if he still does as good as he has the last three sets and if he doesn't do as good he's gonna challenge for his regular spot next week it's all pro wrestling shit i think you guys get it right ladies and gentlemen here with a brand new minute the one and only Rolex wearing hudskib Thank you. I hope the Orcas accept these five human sacrifices. As a peace offering.

And this bloody war between our species. I'm actually going to start my own submersible tour of the wreckage of the submersible tour of the wreckage of the Titanic. I like how oceangate was like, hey, you know how they're all making subs good? How about we make our shitty? That'll disrupt the space These fucking billionaires took an uber to the Titanic These fucking rich bastards would rather get crushed by the ocean and give us health care by the ocean that give us health care. Rage people are stupid, entertain, went to Romania to be a douchebag rapist. That's where douchebag rapists are created.

That's like moving to Japan to take up skirt photos. That's like a European moving to America to do a mass shooting. Thank you. There he is. Hans Kim. Consistent. Joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke, joke. Now let me ask you this. Did you know you didn't, we're going to be challenged this week.

I didn't, I had no idea. You thought you were going to be challenged. That's why I tried. Yeah, exactly. Exactly. What do you think would have happened? Do you think you're set honestly, Hans? Do you think your set would have been as good

if I would have told you a week ago after the show? Next week, you're not going to get challenged for your spot. No. Right. It wouldn't have been as good. You're so honest. It's incredible. You can't lie.

He has a lot of problems, but he's super honest. Yeah, I really hate the competition. I bet you do. It's kind of inhumane. I feel like I'm being exploited. I keep having another comedian come out in a minute, and if they have a better minute than Hans, the audience decides, and if the other person wins, they are the new regular.

And you've crushed him every time. Three for three, baby. That's right. That's right. And he's coming. I love it, he can't lie. He's like an Asian George Washington. He's like George Takai.

Yeah. Oh my. I'm not gay. I love it, Hans. What's been going on this week with you and your personal life? Tell us all about it. I found out my girlfriend has Tourette's. How did you find out? Because she said I love you. She said my dick was big. She told me and then I realized like whenever we get into a fight and after where she starts spaszing out is kind of cute. What do you mean exactly? Give us an

example of exactly what happens. She'll be on her. Oh, you always come back too late! That's a comedian's girlfriend. She's like, what? Hold boop, boop. What? Hold on. What? What is that? She's just on her computer going, boop. OK, that's not a sound that has anything to do with this. She's fucking Christ. What are you saying? She just makes that noise.

Yeah. And you think that's Tourette's? Did you talk with her about it? No. No. Did you see what her about it? No. Did you see what she's looking at when she's making that noise on the computer? I think it was porn. Could be. Yeah. I think she was coming.

Yeah. And you've never heard that sound before. So you're saying this happens after you get into arguments with her? Yeah, when she's stressed out, she makes that noise. Yeah, it's kind of hot. I don't know. That sounds weird. I've never heard of anything like this.

Anger activated Tourette. Is that a thing? Yeah. Is that a thing with people with Tourette? I guess so. I don't know. Anyone with Tourette's out there? Yeah. Really? You people with Tourette? I guess so. I don't know anyone with Tourette's out there Really you really have Tourette?

Okay, when you get angry is it love? Yeah, it does story checks out really I want to see I'm gonna moot you like your front row seat I'm gonna move you to the back of the room right now you piece of shit. Oh shit there it is love. Oh my god Can you record your girlfriend talking like this and we could put it in this episode before it gets released? I'll do that. Yeah, yeah start a good argument with her for no reason and then recorder All right, Hans, you think I should have you challenge for your spot next week?

No. OK, so here's what we're going to do. Let's just treat it like you're being challenged. And the first time that you have a set in which I find you being lazy, kind of like you were in this weird coke spring that you had, this cokey spring that you went through, then I have a long list because once word got out, three weeks in a row, people started,

I mean, there's a lot of people that are like I want to challenge Hans for the regular ship. That's kind of insulting. Well, I mean you're you're body-ing all of them so far So congratulations Hans. What happened to those guys who challenge them and fail? They should be punished. Yeah, they are they I mean trust me uncle laser is going this what happened last They are they I mean trust me uncle laser is going this what happened last What happened last week is going to haunt uncle laser forever. There was literally it was one of those ones Where it went how many of you have uncle laser winning this? It was I don't know why red band did that again There was one big decision he makes makes no sense

But there wasn't a there was a clap and it was way far out there and it wasn't right after I said it but Good job right ban just keep smoking that cigarette buddy Hans I love it. You know what's going on? We're pushing you to your absolute limits We want you to continue to be great and grow right in front of our very eyes. Thank you Tony. Thank you so much. Hans Kim has the show started. All right your first bucket pull of the night ladies and gentlemen a one word name anything can happen here I'm not sure if this person's ever been on before. Make some noise we're gonna meet them all together. Solomon everybody. Here we go. Solomon.

That was on scant. That was on scant. That was on one more time for Solomon everybody. Here we go. All right, so I worked with a very angry old Mexican dish washer. He called himself Speedy Gonzalez. So I told him, man, you can't say that. That's racist. So he tells me, fuck off, you racist. Go clean the mats. So the whole staff found out about it.

And they started calling me racist. And. it and they started calling me racist and... Yeah, I had to leave the job. I think I'm not taking Hans's spot. Yeah, holy shit 41 seconds of Solomon. Yeah. Why go the full minute when you get it done in 41? Yeah. Oh my goodness, little speedy Gonzalez over here. No, I messed it up. Yeah, we know. We don't think that was what you would plan.

Let's talk about it Solomon. What part of the temple of doom do you work in exactly? Trying to figure it out. That's that was Olom Shibad. It's a very inside. You really have to see the movie. You're a recently seen movie. Yeah, we're very in the last two weeks you've had to see the movie. Okay, Ari, first of all, what are you in this show?

Shocked to find out you were not Mexican. That was everybody's surprise. There was a moment of like, wait, why is he speaking weird? Wait, no, he's different than I thought. What are you again, Solomon? Pakistan. The Mexicans of India. Absolutely.

Actually Mexicans for the Saudi Arabians and Dubai, they build Dubai. Very good, that's my Wi-Fi password. What do your pubes look like Solomon? What type of bus should we deal with? No, I'm not going to have them show Michael. Michael Gonzalez is always very excited for to do some landscaping. I'm guessing full bush, right?

Just fucking, you have like a turban on it or something like that? It's going on down there, a little magic carpet. No, it's pretty trim. Oh really, okay, very interesting. You used to wear those pubes, really? Yes. Show them. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Yeah, we're going to do it. Pretty trim though, huh? Yes. Okay, and what do you do for work again? Dishwashers, I mean. Yeah, I did, but then I had to quit. Why'd you have to quit? It was the racist incident he used to talk about.

That's, you had to quit because of that? Not just that, it's, there was this girl that, where did I pause? Where did we think it was gonna go? I think he got a little flirtatious with a girl. She perhaps a hostess, am I right? No, no, no. Waitress.

I know. Can I guess the manager? Can I guess? Oh. Go ahead. Ari Shafir. Do this girl have an elephant arm and eight arms, and then an elephant hand?

Do you worship her the whole time? No. Oh, OK. OK. So I thought maybe. OK. So what do you do? The female manager.

Yeah, I thought there was some chemistry, but she turned out to be a lesbian. OK. So let's go step by step here, my friend. I think that's correct. So first of all, let's start here. What was the moment where you thought there might be chemistry? Was it like a way she looked at you and you're washing dishes?

Yeah, the eye. She's all the same sports teams you do. What was the moment? First moment where you're like, hey, there might be something here. It was the eyes every time she would look and she would, you know, it was like, ah-ha-ha. Ah-ha-ha. See, you're scrubbing plates, right? And you lock eyes with her, and she locks eyes with you. She's white? Yes.

Yes. And there's a moment where you're like, maybe just, how old do you think she is? 25, 30? Something like that. And you're what? 39. 39. And you saw this as your chance to get your green card

yeah I already have one so you're 39 Pakistani as fuck you're scrubbing a plate a 25 year old manager your boss looks at you and you think to yourself This could be mine I could do this this might just be my chance She maybe just maybe is looking for a Pakistani dishwasher to come in and fucking do her dishes, you know that I man just fucking Just fucking tag her may tag, you know what I mean? Just fucking.

Okay, so the eye contact happens. What's your first move? Do you say something? Is it that night? Do you wait a little bit? You play it cool? No, I found out she was lesbian, and I was like, But how did you find out she was a lesbian?

Because she was married to another girl It's a big clue. It's a big clue. You can't do her dishes if she only eats out I need a we need to get we need to get a thing that lifts me up in the air if I have to. Can we work on that? Can you tell Joe Rogan that I want one of those? Spend some of this Spotify money for Christ's sakes. I want to, I want to fly, Joe. It's worth it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no were like asking around? No, I wasn't asking, but they were like, oh, her wife

from her around, I'm like, what? Can I act out? Can I act out what happened? Yeah. Okay, so that's her problem. And then as friend comes by, I say, dude, she's a dick. Oh, yo, it's my mood. Oh, oh, oh.

Oh. So, how long was it that you went? No, thinking that you had chemistry before you found out she was a lesbian. Was it a week? Was it a month? Like a couple of days in. Couple days in. Yeah. So you spend a couple of days thinking about this girl.

Let's say a song comes on the radio, a love song. You're thinking about her, right? Yeah. Okay. Then you find out she's a lesbian. Yes. Now, do you think you showed any signs of emotion when Then you find out she's a lesbian. Yes. Now, do you think you showed any signs of emotion when you found out that she was a lesbian?

No, I was like, I can't compete with a vibrator, so. Well, you can. I mean, people like you, you could just fly an airplane right into her pussy, you know what I mean? You know also, you can compete. Also just you know heterosexual women also use vibrators. Yeah that's the problem. Yeah. Yeah who can compete with those things man. Do you have any special maneuvers that you do in the bedroom? Anything wild that you must have some special skills or talents? Try to lure the bunch of the bus for a gang rape. Well, that's the idea. That's the idea. That's the idea.

That's the idea. Sorry, sorry. Sometimes we get our brownies confused. You know what I'm saying? If you were to compete with a vibrator, how would you do it? I'm still figuring it out, man. Can you show us, let's say that there was a vagina right here in front of your face. Like right here, let's say it was on an elevated thing. Let's say it was on the riser thing that I wanted, right? Let's say that it was right in front of you.

What would you do to that vagina? Show us. There's a vagina foot in front of your face right now. No, you can't do that. You can't do that. Basically, everyone's a lesbian. If you do that, you can't do that. You can't do that. Or basically everyone's a lesbian if you do that. You don't have a chance. Let's see how fast you can move your fingers like that.

Let's play a game called compete with a vibrator for the first time in this show's history. This is Solomon. You wipe your hand. It's not a real vagina by the way. You want to make it dry. He's white chicks love dry. Yeah. You could keep it lubed up Solomon. You don't have to wipe it lubed up, Solomon. You don't have to wipe it off. I'm not. Here we go. Oh, wow. Hey, hey, hey, hey.

I think I hear it right now. Buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh, buh. Solomon, Solomon, Solomon. How long you been doing stand up? Last time I was here four months ago. Okay, that's when you started yes You started on Killtoni. Yes, that was four months ago. How many spots have you done it open Mike? So what not in between then? You're why are you just doing why are you just doing Killtoni? They don't call my name. I don't know the other open mic

They don't call your name. There's open mics so you can pay five darts and get a guaranteed spot. You're just not looking hard enough. You went to one, I bet. Wow, right. I guess Red Band's comedy club charges five dollars for spots. Oh my god. Sunset strip ATX. Oh my god.

Wow. What a promotion. Unbelievable. You're going to charge a dishwasher. It's a drink. It's five darts, is it? Probably. Oh, you know what? I was actually just reminded of the last thing. It's a drink. It's five dollars. Is this probably oh? You know what I was actually just reminded of the last thing so when you say that you had to quit Yeah, that's what one of the right. I almost fucking fuck this whole interview up

What happened what happened was that She just was getting busier and busier and busier to you the dishwasher I was like the manager telling you what to do no the dishwasher, the manager telling you what to do? No, no, she's fucking vicious in this country. You don't know their place. No, it was too much bossing around. I don't know. What was she saying?

Do the fucking dishes? What could she possibly do? Do this, do this, do that, do that. Wait, what does this have to do with the what you like wandered with? Is it separate things. What you mean this was a bossy lesbian? I've never heard of such a thing. That's how they are.

So with a final final moment, is it you quitting? You take your apron and throw it off or what is it? Yeah, no, I went home, wrote a letter and I Final, final moment. Is it you quitting, you take your apron and throw it off or what is it? Yeah, no, I went home, wrote a letter, and I gave it to the hostess and like, Did you put a little anthrax in it? Yeah. All right. All right.

All right, Solomon, if you want to come back, you have to do a bunch of open mics. You did 41 seconds, you're a hell of an interview, but if you want to do this, you got to be in the game, man. Last time you got a little joke book, I bet you did. You enjoy it, fill it up with jokes. There you go, Solomon everybody. Thank you, thank you.

Good interview. Great hat. Just up at least. Heck yeah. There he goes. Solomon. There he goes. Solomon. Pulled another name out of the bucket, anything can happen.

Put your hands together for your next comedian. We're going to meet them all together. It's Brandon Keifer, everybody. Where'd he go? Make some noise for Brandon. Let's go. Mix the notes for Brandon. Let's go! Brandon went all right.

I'm going to tell him from Chicago how's everybody doing. That's good. I'm actually from Georgia, so relax, all right. Here's the thing. I love the South. The thing I have promised South, the stupidest thing I had to deal with, is that my family lost their minds over those stupid Confederate statues. Remember that shit? It's a very famous one in North Carolina.

It was a Confederate soldier, Robert E. Lee on a horse. Do you remember that? It was in front of a courthouse. They tore the whole statue down. Look, I get what? You get rid of Robert E. Lee. I'm not gonna argue that. But what the fuck did the horse do? That was a big moment in the horse's life. He got a statue for being a good boy, dude. He didn't know. You can't train a horse to be racist.

My family tried. You can't do it. It doesn't matter how many carrots you give that motherfucker. He likes everybody, dude. Like, we have the clan in Georgia, which is really fucked up. I think one of the most fucked up parts is that he used to put hoods on the horses. For what? In case you recognize them in public?

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! I really like you. That's really good.

Really good premises, really good angles, branding keeper. How long have you been to in stand-up in Chicago? Nine years in Chicago and two years in Georgia. I can tell. I can see it. I was here last night for roast battle, so fuck yeah. Oh, I love it. Okay.

Where's your home spot in Chicago? Where do you go, mostly? I love Lincoln Lodge. We've been around there in Zany's. Yeah, Zany's great. Lincoln Lodge is small, but it's like, like the community-based thing, you know what I mean? Very cool. Very cool.

And you live in Chicago still? Yeah. Yeah. Very nice. What makes you stand in Chicago? Why'd you choose there? I the city rules right the comedy scene needs work, you know what I mean? But the city rules what do you love about the city? I'm always in and out of there And I and I was I'm like traumatized because they always booked me when I was coming up Throughout the winter and I would always have these bad long winters

and I would do the four or five days multiple shows a night. I think it's a little cleaner than New York and a little bit more personality than LA. I love Chicago. I love the Chubby Chicks with attitudes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're full of them. We're lousy with it.

Interesting stuff. So you've spent nine years there. What else are you into, Brandon? So I am a locksmith. That's like locksmith welder. That's like what I do when I'm not doing this shit. It kind of gives me the flexibility and should like that. You ever lock yourself out of your own place? Yeah, and you feel like a god damn idiot. Yeah, that's a locksmith. Who do I call? Yeah, I call it to work. I'm'm like I'm not gonna come in today Incredible absolutely incredible What else what do you do for fun your drinker? I'm a drinker most people that what gave it away my sweating in hot body

No people that people that stay in Chicago tend to have to you have to have a medicaid I'm too drunk to get two grain together and move in New York. It's not a tattoo of booze on this. No, the tattoo of my cut offsets. Look, I'm living my life right now, right? I like your style. Yeah. Yeah, sorry. They flew you in for a roast battle or how does that work?

Yeah, they flew me in and they gave me $100 who told me by a plane ticket. Incredible. How did it, was it Moses that found you? Yeah, so I've been doing a lot of the Rose Battle stuff in Chicago for a while. And then I kind of got into that and then they started bringing out. Could you go up against last night? A guy named Evan from the, like I think he does a store stuff, Evan Warner. Okay, what was your favorite joke about him? If you could just give us what you would need to know to know why the joke would work.

I said he was the first kid to be conceived from a trans woman. I bet if we saw him, it'd be fun. That's a fun one. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Oh yeah, pop a picture of a mother. Yeah.

OK. But put a dress on him somehow with a post. Yeah, that's fun. This room rules. I had a great time. It was a great club. I love it. What's your love life like, Brandon? I'm getting divorced. So pretty good. I love it. How long?

If anybody brought some extra pussy, let me know, please. Whose idea was it? Obviously mine, right? It was both of ours. We were just crushing it all the time. How long were you guys together? How long were you married? Four years. We actually met in Austin four years ago, while enough. Where did Werenostin, why, how did you meet?

She was German. She was German, like actually lived in Germany and was traveling. Was she the chick Rubenhorst shit all over herself on 6th Street this week? Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she's really rubbing into this divorce in my face right now She was hitchhiking. Oh Nothing says eternal happiness more than a hitchhiker. I was like no way this is gonna go bad You know, I mean right so she was hitchhiking you fell in love. Yeah, what does she do for work now?

So she she paints like I'm a welder and she dealt my painting for me in Chicago when she moved there. This is really cool. But like, yeah, we got divorced. She wanted kids, you know, and she like that. And I'm like, she has kids. No, she wanted them. Yeah.

Right. And you're still? No. I'm Southern. And she's German. We don't have good histories, dude. I don't want kids with that. Yeah.

That's too much. OK. So. I'm thinking of birth to a black Jew. good history dude I don't want kids with that. Yeah, that's too much. Okay, so... I think I'm gonna get birth to a black Jew. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, it's like, dude, I don't want kids that can't win a war dude, you know what I mean? We got enough losers in the world dude. I like your style Brandon. So she really coming after you on this divorce. What's that? Is she coming after your money? Yeah. She's coming.

She's got all of it. All right. There's none of it. So it's fine. Yeah. Really? Yeah. How does that work in Chicago? What's the law there or whatever? No, we're cool. We're cool. It's not like a we don't have, I mean, we don't have kids. We don't, you know what I mean, it's like she's not being a jerk about it. No, the other one, I'm sorry. If you've been bangin' other chicks yet? Tonight, hopefully. So, this doesn't come out for a while, right?

Three weeks, that's a no. Have you been with anyone since? I have, I have, okay. Yeah, I have a bunch of over it. How much do you get over it? Huh? What was it? How much was it?

The $100 I got for doing rose battle last night. Hell yeah. Okay. Hell yeah. Any special skills or talents that you have other than being a very funny in the moment present stand-up comedian musician for years and shit like that. What kind of music did you do? Play drums. You play drums? No way. No way. No way. It's been a while, ladies and gentlemen. Brandon, I got bad news for you. Do you know how to work on this show? I wasn't going to say it, then I was like, here we are. Here we are. You're in that moment right now. What's up with it?

Historically, we have a thing called a Mexican drum off where Where The comedian that says they know how to play drums does a drum solo followed by the resident drummer doing a drum solo Can we call this La Cucaraca? Oh, I like that absolutely And so here we go. You're gonna do a drum solo and then Michael Gonzalez does a drum solo If you win brand and you're moving from Chicago to Austin Texas to be the new full-time drummer And if I win he's got to move back to Mexico. Yeah That's a good one. No one's ever done that in the history of the Mexican drama, but no, if he wins, he has

to, if you win, Brandon, he has to move to Chicago and fuck your ex-wife. So all time in the show's history, never before has a comedian beat the resident drummer, you the audience live, get to decide, ladies and gentlemen, starting off the Mexican drum off, this Brandon Kiefer. An incredible performance. Stand right there Brandon, stand right there. Deemers, stand next to him. Okay. There we go.

I guess just switch it up. Alright good. There you go. Yep, just like that. Ladies and gentlemen defending his throne all time. Undefeated in the history of Mexican drum-offs. This guy practices for about eight hours a day and plays with professionally all around the world continuously, flying back every Monday to be here for

this show. I present to you the reigning defending drummer of Kiltoni This is Michael Gonzalez. Alex! I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more.

I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. I'm going to play a little bit more. The I'm going to do it. Wow, I mean, Jesus Christ. Alright, Brandon, step back up to that microphone real quick. I obviously won. to that microphone real quick. How many of you have Brandon Keifer winning this Mexican drama? Well people did a solid job. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? Brandon remind me one more time. How many years have you done stand-up comedy?

11 years. And how long have you lived in Chicago? 9 years. Where's the biggest place you've ever performed in Chicago? Chicago? I mean the clubs. Right. If there was any place in Chicago that you dream of ever performing in, where would it be? New York. It's a pretty good answer. How about in Chicago? Uh, like the Vic Theater or something like that, or like something big.

Maybe a bigger theater? Like, I ain't y'all over. How about the Chicago Theater? Yeah. Would you like to do a guest spot on my show at the Chicago Theater? Well, no, I'm good. Perfancy, bro. I gotta get better at drums. Yeah, I would love to, bro. That would rule. You got it. Fuck, we'll see you there Okay, all right perfect there. He goes Brandon key for ladies and gentlemen. Here's a big joke, Buck Great stuff man

That's what happens when people with a lot of experience and a lot of skills sign up for the show I mean, you know, it's amazing back-to-back We had Solomon who's done it twice only on the show a minute minute and 40 seconds combined, and you got to see a walk away with nothing. And Brandon Keepers performing at the biggest theater in Chicago, one of the biggest theaters in the country, the iconic Chicago theater. Anything gonna happen here? And one of the amazing parts of this show is- I gotta say something real quick. Yeah. The Ku Klux Klan has been around for at least 200 years.

That's the first time anyone's hit that angle. It really, really- That's amazing. The second he said the hoods on horse is something that's an unbelievable presence. Totally. Totally. So close to you. Totally.

It really is. It's one of those things. Usually it's like, you know, Louis or Bilber hit something like that, right? Where it's like, oh, Bob. Damn it. Because premise discovery is a huge part of the business. It was right then where I'm like, wow, this guy's got like a real second gear. And to be able to show that in a minute, it's really something else. Someone that's been doing that regularly,

we're making history here all the time on Kiltoni and one of the amazing things that we do here is we always have regulars on this show that you get to see, watch, and grow, and perform, and you get to watch their lives change all the time. We have a new regular on this show that became a regular on this show. After only one appearance, after only one minute,

the next set on this show, he was in front of 3,000 people at the ACL Live Theater, showing us all why he's the newest regular. A 100% batting average, just his own style, his own swagger, we could not be more excited to present to you the newest regular on Killtony, Camp Patterson, everybody. ["Pomp and Circumstance"] They go from the cool colors clan to a nigga. What a transition. They shit is beautiful. I used to play sports in high school, and if I'm thinking I play basketball,

football, you go racist, because I play Water Polo and the Cross. I bet you would have guessed that shit, white man. I'm glad you didn't, because I'm lying. I played basketball in high school. But I remember after my season, and all my teammates came and said he was gay. Now I had no problem with gay people at all.

You love for your love. You know what I said? But I had to ask him. I said, amen. Well, you swept my ass during the games. Was that like a gay thing? Or that one like a basketball thing. He said, no, man, I was strictly a basketball player.

I so kind of stand, but I didn't play. And nigga, you squeezed it, you know what I said? That's what I said? I got some idea. There he is again! There he is again! The future has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. We're a cop from Cam. You already know where you come from. Florida.

What's our letter? Orlando. Orlando. Orlando. Yes. The boy is a fucking monster. I love this shit, man. This shit is beautiful, right there.

We love abbing you. We need someone like you, and you need a format like this, and it's just absolutely perfect. Cam Patterson, the talk of the, really, the club, the newest door guy at the club, the newest regular on- Telltale Tony. I love white people, they're amazing. Everything's out for a nigga, no, I ain't gonna hug.

And most importantly, white people like you. That's really fun. I hate the robb people, this is insane, ain't it? So not robb is play's care. Yeah. Well, almost definitely negatively affects your hiring yeah we don't want one of those sad stories we had marice claret

uh... running back at the Ohio State University who uh... not a hizeman winner correct he was a freshman uh... at Ohio State University and uh... not to be confused with two time hizeman winner the only person ever win it twice archie griff Griffin who's from the Ohio State University. That's a faggot. Anyway, but anyway Marie's Claret was the super fucking running back and he would run over linebackers and safeties. He would just run a straight line. We want a national championship with him

and he was so hyped up his first year that he went back to his roots and just started robbing people and People like a people like an OJ after he got away with the murders like just like stealing shit that he shouldn't have been stealing Do you ever get tempted to go back to your roots and do you wait what? No, and I was doing home things. You know what I'm saying? I can't do what you do when you're home. Smash and grab.

Sorry. I feel like Cam and Ben to the term enough said. Yeah. Yup. I love it, Cam. What did you do when you were home, non-criminal activity-wise? I had one of my friends with you, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, we got a new body and a family. You got what? I knew Biter. I knew Biter. A new Biter? Yeah. What's a Biter? Like, somebody that bite people like a child that bites people.

Oh, shit. We got a new one. That's you. We got a new one. He's new. They get like six, he bite everything that moves, dog. It's nigga an official body. You know the last body was?

Me. It's me. Oh, god. I'm proud of that little nigga, dog. You doing a good thing, you know what I'm saying? How long did you stand up in Orlando? Two years. Two years. And did you make it up to get a belt? Look at his sweat man. I am dumbass. Polaga. Oh, the old wrap around. That's right. That's right. Very good. The old uh, the old uh, all right, put it back.

No, no, no, no. You want to see my ankle? All right, you can see my ankle. You go away. So Cam is like this all the time. Absolutely hysterical. He's also one of my new drinking buddies at the bar after hours. And what's your drink buddy?

Uh, I used to like, you know, the little peanut butter butter, screwdriver, whiskey, with cranberry juice, the shot. Hell yeah, someone just got a bonus right there. Look at that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's my favorite drink. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh Holy shit, oh my god

This guy's great. Oh shit cam So this week and ever since we first met you were telling me about your uncle that Convinced you to explain to these people he told I got a I want to start doing a camera I couldn't I never related nobody in the company saying and I met a dude who was like real He got like real close to me. He was like only like screaming dude. I ever met like doing comedy in my scene And I call him my uncle because when he told me I don't know about comedy, he tried to fuck my auntie all the time. She, he taught me everything I know about this shit. You know what I'm saying? And I'll be telling, I always tell,

I always tell Tony about how you like my mentor when I was there. And he, yeah, he, he here. He's here right now. Is he back there? He's an Austin. I know you're an Austin. Is he here?

Is he back there? He should be. Okay. Can we bring him out? Yeah. Can we get him, Austin. Is he here? Is he back there? He should be okay? Can we bring him out? Can we get him? You ready to do a minute? You think? Okay, sweet. This is amazing Because I told him the other night at the bar that I wanted him to come out and do a minute after you did a minute So I was just seeing if we had that all set up I didn't get to coordinate with anybody before this. What's his name? David Jalice. So we're gonna do it right now Is he back there? Is he back there?

Can we confirm? No. OK, let's get him then. Let's find him. Let's find this nigga. Let's do it. I'm going to find this nigga, though. I know you have the ability to do that.

Is there some kind of call you guys to do? Like, go! Who do you? Hey Jellis! He'll hit me front of back. He'll hit me. Is anybody have a 9 millimeter I could shoot a couple times Call you guys to do like Who do you? Anybody have a 9mm I could shoot a couple times in here You guys will prep this some crack dust Throw it up like LeBron James I think you just smoked more cracking the edges.

So yeah. I got it, too. So anyway, Cam and his uncle were at the bar here the other night and it was, I spent, I mean, what, two or three hours, absolutely cracking up. My hand was fucking red from slamming the bar with you two flanking me on each side. Everybody was watching me, like, look at Tony, trying to bond with the blacks. You know what I mean?

But I was really, I mean, I was just in thrall then completely entertained. He is a hysterical monster. You guys. He was calling you? What was he? You remember his name? You kept calling you THC.

Ah, that's right. Hey, THC, I love you, never. He was. That is what is, that is his uncle. You might never be my favorite, never helpful. Yeah. We got home that night. He was like, toyed in a big car, niggered at me,

tall, hit life. That is true. I'm talking really in toy, I'll be calling him, but niggered at me, my niggered at me. That is true. I was hard as a rock all night. It was incredible. You think he's in the building? You have your phone on you?

Yeah, I'm calling him real quick. You think his phone's working? You think his phone's on? Where'd he go? Check the safe. If I had a guest since he got up here, that guy changes number. But he was hilarious. What is this bitch, man? Do we got him?

Yoni's running to grab him up there. Where's he running, too? He's probably with Hans Kim's girlfriend, right? Oh shit. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh- the opportunity, the opportunity, the opportunity. Um, very, very good. So, uh, what's the Orlando comedy scene like? It's good. Yeah, it's pretty, it's a real, it's pretty. Where you got improv or else you got it? We got an improv.

That's it. There you go. Orlando. Yeah, we only has an improv. Yeah, all we got is an improv in the city. She know, you know it, right? You used for Orlando, right? He improv.

Hell, yeah. You saw me an improv? Yeah, I tried to do the milk district, didn't work out. Oh, yeah, we also got the milk district. That's a real bitch. What does that mean? The fuck is this way? Is that where all the chicks are about to be sang out? Oh, yeah.

Yeah. You have to have fat ass titties to come to the show. Don't we kick your ass out. That's why she was there, you know what I'm saying? We got in, you know what I'm saying? All right, well, I guess we're gonna get your uncle up here some other time But what I've been told he is left the building It's pretty crazy. How long's he in town for?

Then this may have been his only opportunity Go try to find him. Well, maybe we can get him up by the end of the show Wait a second. There's a loud knock at the back door We've never heard We've never heard a knock at the back door that loud before During the show Ladies and gentlemen makes the voice for David Jolie everybody My guess is he's gonna be the cat.

Hey, hey, hey, I'm shut the fuck up, I got a minute. So I was like the CSL Plasma Center, the other day, I was doing a plasma. Some people call it saving lives, I call it $40. Yes. So what I had the CSL Plasma Center, I find out if you don't have a plasma,

they give you $500, you know that, so. Oh, thank you. I was like, bitch, I'll be bitching $40. You're all gonna be in me, out, this bitch's 40 grand, 50 grand, he's on fire. But I had to think about it, cause I got my legal marijuana car. I had to think about it.

I knew if I don't need to sperm some kind of way I'm gonna end up on chiseling for it. Last thing I'm doin' is 18 years for a bitch I never met before. Fucking Nick, the knuckle, baby, you get it. You get it, you get it in the car, don't worry about it. How much time I got alone? Alright.

We here, baby! Yeah! We here baby Stop break break, we got already in this I know you were here stupid. I remember why my hand was all red after hanging out with them My guy stop playing Chris. Oh shit. We got TAC in their big my man. Oh Stupid oh This guy's this guy's walk these guys wallets are missing right now. It's incredible. I am so don't visit that man You are out of got him though

We hear that stupid and boy you got me here. Stop saying crazy. That might never you. That's my fucking nephew. This is like being at the block. He ain't gonna crazy. He ain't gonna crazy. He ain't gonna crazy.

Yeah, we hear that. Yeah, we hear that. Also, we hear that. Stupid. All right, so let's talk about it, David. Welcome to the show. Thank you. I'm so sorry. You're doing great. You're good. You're doing great. You don't have to apologize. I'm not the police relax. You know you might never I know you know the bad You're my guy. You're my nigga for real. You're my guy you're my guy that's going well You remind you remind me it's two of my favorite things pink Floyd and George Floyd and I love you very entertaining very entertaining

Hey, hey look first of all Give my daughter a shot at for y'all being here. And it's all good. It's all good. I want to hear your story, David Jolly. How long you been doing stand up? I've been doing stand up seven years. And like, this is my nephew here.

Yeah, that was my next question. Tell us about what it was like your first time seeing Cam Patterson perform. Were you there his first time on stage? He sucks so bad. Really? I love it. Yeah.

That's natural. I let him know he's suck. Good? But you know when he got good, I would like fly. That's my young enough. That's the reason why I'm mean mother fucking Austin Texas right now already should be a year I'm here because of him Hey, and my life I caught him on the flume. I face time. I say what I'm gonna get on the flight

He say me coming out here. I say well more than flight. I Got out here. That's when the... But now I'm out of here. Yeah. You know I'm a regular, but I pay you regular. Okay. Yeah. All right, that's all industry talk, but let's talk about... What airline did you fly? Jet Black? You know what I flew. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Game violence! Game violence! Seriously. Stop playing cring! You're setting a record for sideways high fives

on the show right now. Roll it. Oh shit, what is that? Oh shit. That's a little bit. OK, so tell us more about your life. How do you make a living? What do you like? How do you, uh, what do you...

I see a crack. I said a little dick. You saw crack and you what? A little dick. I said a little dick. You saw crack and you what? A little dick. I said a little dick sometimes to some old air white bits. Oh shit. Oh white bits and pay a good dollar and red bear white hat.

Never get so bad. My never, my never game ball is you know the life. Okay so describe to us some of these white women that you be selling dick to We're all very interested to know what that's like the white women. Yeah, they paid $1 How much Why two one or two nice one or two hundred how many how many a week you want to suck that dip for under bite? Yeah, man I did set for the bike I do you letter. Huh?

front of bike. You know man, that did something on the bike. I do you a letter. Huh? Did you letter? Lider? Let her. Yeah, yeah, yeah. $200. You go to a set, that did either way. You want to set that day. Wait, she pays you to suck your deck. From the bank. Wait, from the back? $200. Wait. $200. Hold on, it's not that big. I don't know. I should just... $400. You can suck that beat right now. I'm a baby style. Like this dude. This is how you got to get your dick. And I know a pretty way to get your dick sucked.

Run the back. Turn the his clue. You got to do what you do. up run the back time of his clue you guys do like this god i know you told his clue oh there's no pretty way to get your same dick sucker in the back game i oh that's gonna be on your tombstone one day there's no pretty way to get your dick sucked from the back not i know i need you two hundred dollars you gotta make t-shirts there's no pretty way to get your dick sucked from the back. She pays you $200. You got to make t-shirts. There's no pretty way to get your dick sucked for the back.

Oh, I make shirts. OK. I'll give you $171 for those shirts. I need your content. OK. I'm going to talk to you that, my baby boy. How much you going to show? Man, you game, violence.

You game, violence. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, look, I'm like, give you one. He's got money. He can try to. Thank you. How much you gonna try? How much you want?

You know what? Just let me suck your dick from the back in the wrong. That's all I want. Sucking dick from the front, too easy. You know what I mean? I want a real challenge. Hey, if y'all don't fuck with Kia Tonny, you a pussy nigga. Yep.

Gang violent. Gang violent. Gang violent. I'm not a T-shirt. Gang violent. Think we found our new problem. Hey, if you don't fuck with Tonny, hands clip, you a pussy nigga. Ah.

Ah. You don't want to talk to him to clip, you're a pussy never. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We can't The week you were here at the house this the house This is how I would you when crazy at the high I did yeah Stupid air boy, hey look shot at the Joe Rogan. I don't know what the fuck he yet, but listen We hit that put says never in I fuck with Tony his club that's my real home boy. That's my real homeboy, stupid ass boy. Game body. Game body. Game body.

Oh my God. An instant legend of the show. How often do you think you're gonna be coming back to Austin? No, I'm moving. I'm about to get a little shit in the air room on six weeks. Oh hell yeah. Right over there. moving. I'm about to get a little shit air room on history. Oh hell yeah. Right over the wall. Yep.

All you need to do, all you need to do, all you need to do, how much is rent? Like, four 99. Four 99. I just did the math. That's only two and a half reverse dick suckings to get your, uh,

uh, uh, David Jolly, you just became an instant Killtony legend Not only Not only is your charisma translatable To everyone, but he's also the Roger Mayweather to Cam Patterson's Floyd Mayweather. He fucking got this guy in the game. Yep.

And we shoot shit up. Oh, I don't know about that. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no more shootings. No more jail blasters. They're shooting jail blasters. Shoot shit up. Shoot shit up. Shoot shit up.

Shoot shit up. Oh, that's the blinds. Cam, you're a fucking legend. Hey, this is all I want to know. why y'all brought the blind nigga back? And what happened to his dress? He cut his struts for the 10-year anniversary. They're in my window seal of my office now. He gave them to me as a gift.

It's true. You were ass, old Tom. No, he gave them to me. I didn't ask them to. So you made a man cut his house. No, I didn't make a guy cut his hair. This is all. He did, he did, he did.

Yes, let's all demand this way. No, he didn't make a guy cut his hair. This is it really did he did he did. Yeah, so it's all demon I always did you know you hey you a honor with me. Okay, okay, no device. I love you. I love you. Hey, we hear that awesome. We hear that Game Wild is stupid Make some noise for David Jolien campus and ladies and gentlemen Wow unbelievable amazing I mean That some poor innocent souls about to have to follow this that's incredible. I love you. Are you ticklish? Okay? I love you. Are you ticklish? Okay, there you go Take a little bit of it. Okay, go on. Okay, the fuck out of here. Wait a second

Yeah, of course You use the gel blast or waiting for you in the back. We get... Okay. I'll see you later. One more time for David Jolly and Cam Patterson. We are at 75.7 degrees right now. The room is heating up. It's getting hot in here. Wow. All right, some innocent poor soul is going to have to follow all

of that energy right now. You guys having fun out there? Woo! Woo! Make some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. ZEEK HULLET. Everybody, ZEEK HULLET. Woo!

Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! All right. How are we doing? I just got a question for the dudes. I was wondering if any of you remember the first time you saw a girl chuck a beer? Not like like Sippy Cup.

I'm talking like the shaft, tornado, has it down faster than you can say damn big tits. This guy gets what I mean right here only him though you think that girls get the same feeling whenever guys roll buns right like whenever you walk into a party with your girlfriend does her knees start shaking she stops you're like babe what's wrong it's me in the corner just Just. Yeah, this shit's gonna hit, babe. Thank you. Okay, Zee call it. Welcome to the show. Tough position to follow Cam Patterson and Uncle David Jolly, yes. How many gold teeth do you have?

How many gold teeth? Zero and I also don't so crack or dick. So boring. Sorry. Have you ever gotten your dick sucked from behind? Huh? Huh? Have you ever gotten your dick sucked from behind?

From behind? No. No. Have you ever gotten your dick sucked from behind? From behind? No. No. Have you ever gotten sucked from the front? Yeah, yeah, we got it. Okay, nice dude. Very good.

Cute. We reassure you. Zeke, where are you from? Illinois. How long have you been doing stand-up? Just a little over a year. Okay. Pretty comfortable for a year.

Yeah, not bad. You live there still in Illinois? No, I live here now. I moved here at the end of October. What made you move here at the end of October? Um, so I used to wrestle in college. Uh-huh. What college? University of Illinois.

Right. The Fighting Align Eye. Yes, yes. We suck. I know. We're really bad. You know, this suckers are wrestling. Yeah, yeah. Follow college wrestling? No, but I was a wrestler in the state of Ohio, which is 10 which is the same conference as Illinois Tony. I'm sorry. I apologize I went to the I did go to the Ohio State University wrestling

Under then head coach Russ howlickson That's a reference for fucking college wrestling. Yeah, I was way off. I know. Yeah. Yeah Sorry What weight class were you a wrestler? 135? I was 133 before. Okay. Two pounds off.

I'm a circus freak. No big deal. They changed. They changed every 10 fucking years. So what happened there? So you went there and then what happened? So once COVID hit and everything's kind of started getting stressful. I started off the year with like a couple

bad grades fixed them right away and then I missed a practice. Afterwards I missed a COVID test the day after I got the vaccine which I was required to get and they kicked me off. Wow. Unbelievable. That should infuriates me. It's incredible. They made you take a thing that gave a bunch of people the Unbelievable. Oh no. That shit infuriates me. Oh no. And it's incredible. They made you take a thing that gave a bunch of people the thing and then told you you can't do your thing because you didn't do this other thing. And the bad grades.

And the bad grades, yeah. You had bad grades? I did for a little bit because I didn't know if I was taking the classes. So how old are you now? I'm 21. How do you make a living, 21-year-old? I bartend at Chili's. Whoa!

Damn! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Best baby-back ribs in Austin. Yeah! Sure.

Yeah. For sure. This celebrity just told me that Chili's ribs are the best in Austin. Nice. Wait, I'm a celebrity? To... To...

I work at Chili's to me, yes, dude. Yes. Yes. Chili's baby back ribs. Chili's baby back ribs Chilly's baby back ribs baby back baby back baby back We've all seen the office come on now All right, all right, all right Zik what's your love life like you're 21 you seem like a really really really really really. I mean maybe maybe you're not as white as I think you are Maybe it's just because you went up after cam and David Jolly, but you seem white as shit. Yes

This is quite the contrast to what was just on the stage up here right now the entire time I want to say he was up here right now the whole set. I get what you say right. How bad do you want to put your neon is neck? Oh, shut up. Shut the fuck up. Wait, from behind? Alright, John Dees isn't laughing. Maybe I messed up. D-Man, this is laughing, but I didn't get John on that one. When he quieted in the audience. I grew up in like a country-ass town.

So yeah, like central Illinois cornbread boys, you know. Right. What do your parents do for work? They are both nursing professors. OK. Yeah. Nothing really exciting. My dad used to downhill mountain bike professionally. What's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you

in your entire life? Honestly, a couple days ago, after leaving, or no, a week ago, after leaving this, there was a homeless dude walking in the parking lot and he was like, hey, can I park here? Oh, my bad. I was like, he was like, hey, can I park here? And I was like, yeah, I mean, my car's right there,

which immediately- Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on, a homeless guy was like, can I park here? Yeah, so I didn't know he was homeless. He was just like me, right now. Yeah. Was he in a car? Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait you and he goes, Hey, can I park here? Hey, you look as homeless as I do. So I'm going to ask you. Yes, so I was like, I mean, yeah, you can fucking park there. You didn't notice that he wasn't in a car,

and that's a weird thing for someone not in a car to say? No, I wasn't thinking about it at that point. I was just worried that this guy was talking to me, and I had to deal with him right now. OK. So I was like, OK. So a guy walks up, dude, he goes, can I park here? You get in your car, you say yes.

No, no. We were standing in the alley and he was waiting at the edge of the parking lot. Like, he just walked from somewhere fucking else. Okay. I don't know, dude. I was just, you do know. It's your store.

I was, that's true. So a guy asks you if he can park here, you say what? I just say, yeah. Like, it's fucking- But it's the end of an alleyway. Yeah. Just right- why would you tell them you can park at the end of an alleyway in the parking lot you stand in the parking lot parking lot is at the alleyway the parking lot okay okay I asked you I asked you the most the most interesting thing that's ever happened you in your life and you're giving us the story of a week ago.

So keep going. I want to hear what happens next. There's got to be a big twist. He asked us this. I say yes, you can park here. And if you get here during the day, there's even some homeless people out there that will let you know that you can park here for free. You don't even have to ask.

I was just trying to make a joke. And he went, I used to be one of those homeless people. I was like, okay, like my bad. I get in my car and he ends up in front of my car. I'm talking to my buddy and he ends up both hands on the hood going, you're not going anywhere, bitch. Oh wow. Yes.

This is the part where it gets interest. Yes. This is the better part of the story. Bad alley dubs. Right. He's like, you're not going anywhere, bitch. And like, I could be disaster Yeah, but I don't want my first fight ever to be with a homeless man outside of kill Tony where I didn't get picked

Why you don't want me want to know Yeah, that's true. That's a good point Eventually My buddy gets out of the car and this dude almost squares up with my buddy tries to get us and I drive away my buddy gets out of the car. And this dude almost squares up with my buddy, tries to get us, and I drive away my buddy, jumps in. But yeah, I'm really white. That's the best thing that's ever happened. That's the craziest thing that's ever happened to me.

In your life, I mean. You're really from the middle of Illinois. Yes, yes. Wow. I mean, me and my buddies used to just go wherever there was concrete. Have you ever gotten into a fight? I'm like first grade, other than that.

It was just wrestling matches. No. People didn't fight me because it was a small town, and they knew I was on the wrestling team, so they just wouldn't fight me. Yeah, that makes sense. Yeah, I mean. All right, Zee.

It looks like a kind of guy that would make you squeal like a pig. Strong start. And in wrestling, you mean? No, mountain rapes. Like, what? It's from the book. Like deliverance? Yeah, deliverance.

Oh, yeah. What's up, man? How close to home are you talking? Alright, Zeeq. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. Here's a little joke, but good luck on all of your endeavors. Go to the test box.

Get out, Zeeck. Experience life a little bit. Go out at night and stuff, Zeeck. Enjoy your gel blaster. He's getting a gel blaster. Poor boy, the most exciting thing that's ever happened to him is a guy leaning against his car last week. Oh, what?

Ha, ha, ha. Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Zach Black. Everybody, here's Zach Black. We're gonna meet, we're going from Zika's Zach. Here we go. Ah, here he is, Zach Black, everyone. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I just went to my first jujitsu class yesterday. I'm never going back.

Right off the bat, this guy grabbed a hold of me, wrapped his legs around my head, his balls were in my face. I'm like, this does not feel right. First of all, we were still in the locker room. I didn't even have my pants on yet. This guy had me in a butt naked choke. I'm tapping out his thumbs up, my ass. I shouldn't have known to avoid the guy with the black belt and the brown finger.

You wanna know the worst part? That was not how I thought my first time meeting Joe Rogan would go. I think I got the full experience. Tell me your heroes. I feel like one of those girls that met Bill Cosby. Look, for one thing, got a whole nether. If you guys don't like Bill Cosby jokes, just have another drink I'll be done before you know it.

And that was a Bill Cosby quote, so here we are. Thank you. All right, Zach Black. Welcome to the show. You've been on before, correct? Yes, I have. What do we talk about last time you were on? What do we know about you? Well, I talked about my dog being in my car and you said that after the show, a girl was was gonna blow me while my dog watched and that did happen Whoa, yes, look at that. That's incredible and She had a dog too and while she was blowing me her dog was blowing my dog No, it's not true. Oh, it's not no my dog watched Zack how long you been doing stand-up comedy five years where at Buffalo, New York how long long you been doing the stand-up comedy?

Five years. We're at Buffalo, New York. How long have you been here? Seven months. Let me take a moment to once again recognize that I hate Buffalo and all of upstate New York. Yeah, me too. Let me see. Seven months here.

Buffalo is really known as a cool place, right? How does it feel to be in 75.9 degree weather right now? It feels much better. A lot of people complaining about the heat, but it's much better than three feet of snow. Right. Right. Absolutely. Okay. Zach, what do you do for a living? I'm a door guy. I have another comedy club. Outlaw comedy? No, that's my production company.

Are you, you call it outlaw because you're an outlaw? Yeah, yeah a bit of a rule breaker. No, I saw you know, it's fit the Texas vibe might get a belt buckle in a Who the fuck just comes here and gets a belt buckle in a cowboy hat? You know what I mean? Come on get it together dude. Come on you corn ball Okay Hey, you know what I mean? Come on, get it together, dude. Come on, you corn ball. Um, okay. So, uh, what's interesting about you, Zach? Give us something. Is that your real name, Zach Black?

Yes, sir. I don't believe you. I don't know. Let me see your ID. I don't have an ID. Oh! Oh! I don't know.

What did it mean? I want this fucking button button I'm gonna hit a button Okay, if we if you did have your idea what would it say Zachary blackery all right No, my name is Zachary Zach most interesting thing about you oh Well, I you know I I work out a lot. I have a girlfriend that's fucking Christy. No, that was the thing that's our classic. Okay.

I got a girlfriend that's like 20 years older than me. Wow. And I love her. Oh, my goodness. Yes. How long have you been with her? Five months. Is it Rosanne?

Yeah. How old are you? 30 her five months? Is it Rosanne? Yeah How old are you 30 and she's 50? 249 Wow Rose yeah, no, she's great. Where'd you meet her at? Deamter she only had like 800 followers. So I was like I think I have a chance wow Where'd you meet her online at jupy for young dot? Wow. What did you mean to online at jupyforyoung.com? Ha ha ha. Wait.

Wait, what is this? That says wallet. Oh shit, we've got to find the wallet. Cam's uncle stole it earlier. Let's pretend. Oh, you son of a bitch! Zachary John F***er. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Not a bad name. How does it feel being caught lying in front of a million people right now? That must be embarrassing. Sometimes people come up with stage names. I didn't want the whole world to know. But when I asked you if it was your real name

and you said yes, that would be a what? Yeah, you're right. What? Wait, repeat the full sentence. It's a joke. Are you explaining to me what you mean right now? Are you defending him? So why would you say that?

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I was fine. I'm sorry I was fine. Are you defending him? So why would you say that? I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I mean you don't do that Yeah, don't do that This is why this is what happens when YouTube commenters go to live shows It was a show. I don't understand my Tony has such an attitude problem He's acting like a real bitch. Ever since he moved to Austin, he's really bitter now. Can I point out how well this guy's doing?

Can I point it out real quick? Yeah. Yeah. Oh. What are you even going to do with that? What do you even do with a $1 bill anymore? Like is there anything you can do with that? Well I actually earned that.

A homeless guy said he'd give me a dollar for his cigarette and seemed like a fair trade. Wow, absolutely incredible. Look at that. It's a trickle-downing comedy. Oh, man. It's great. It's great. OK.

Zach, very, very fun to have you on. You walked. I'm guessing with the little joke book last time you were here. Yeah, true, Cyril. Yeah. What? No joke book. I've been on twice.

No joke book. You've been on twice. No joke book whatsoever? Not on on twice no joke book whatsoever on the second one. Yeah, no What about the first one big one big one. Okay Well, then I should recommend that you would fill that up with jokes Ladies and gentlemen. There he goes. Zach black Okay, we haven't had a woman up yet tonight and we are equal opportunity Employers here, so I pulled names out of a bucket until I found what appears to be a woman up yet tonight and we are equal opportunity employers here so I pulled names out of a bucket until I found what appears to be a woman in the

history of the show there are very few people that are you know that memorable one of them in the history of the show goes by the name of Swiggy I'm very interested to see what's about to happen here because the name that I've pulled out of the bucket is Swiggy's mom everybody let's see what happens here Swiggy's mom this should be very interesting oh my goodness it is indeed Swiggy's mom. Ready? Fly me to the moon And let me sing among those stars

Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand. In other words, baby, kiss me. You want to hear some more? I would love that. Oh, I'm sorry, that's all I got. Wait, you signed up for the show to sing 30 seconds of Fly Me to the Moon? No, she just, that's Zach's girlfriend. friend. Is this the lady or D

D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D D d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d d goodness. I've always wondered what Stephen Hawking's sister looks like. This is incredible. You are absolutely stunning. I must say I am gonna think about you in the future. Any time I'm with a beautiful woman and I'm about to come too fast, I'm gonna think of you. Wow. This is absolutely incredible. You've been arguing with Rogan and Elon Musk defending your vaccine stance for the last two weeks, right? You're not Dr. Peter Hose... Hotez? Hosez? Don't know that.

Okay, let's talk about it. Even though that was absolutely horrendous and against everything that the show stands for, I still have a feeling that I can interview you and get some goodness out of you. Are you really Swiggy's mom? Yes, I am. Amazing. What is a...

Yeah, it's a first library of a work done. What? You stand for the phone for the Ghostbusters, correct? No, Ghostbusters! Okay, so what have you been doing your whole life? What's taking your finger in sockets. Well, let's see. You're the one that built the Delorean for Michael J. Fox, right?

No, that would be awful. But that'd be real cool, wouldn't it? Yeah. So what have you been doing your whole life? Where are we? I'm married to Swiggy's dad. He has. He has. He's been so much fun.

He really is. He's so funny. Your husband. No. Swiggy. Right. We know how funny Swiggy is. I'm talking about you though. Now it's not the time to just promote Swiggy. I want to know about your life. Did Swiggy, right, we know how funny Swiggy is. I'm talking about you though. Now's not the time to just promote Swiggy.

I want to know about your life. Did Swiggy make you sign up for this? Or did you want to do this? I really didn't think I'd be here right now. What do you think you were going to be entertained to choose coming back from Normandy? Ah! Ah!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Help me out! Help me out! I honestly didn't know. I mean, I've worked in like real estate. Project, right into that. You have to speak a little louder.

I worked in real estate. I was an office manager, ran an office. And yeah, so I mean, I was also a substitute teacher. Okay. Science, what were you teaching? What were you teaching? I was also a substitute teacher. Yeah. Okay. Where were... Science? What were you teaching?

What? What were you teaching? Whatever, whatever the teacher got going. Incredible. So. Incredible. And you played both of the guys on Mythbusters, right? No.

No. No, not really. No, that wasn't you. Okay. Um. Ha, ha, ha wasn't you. Okay. Um, haha, alright. What's the craziest thing you've ever done in the bedroom? Ooh, wow, wow. Cheese, um, the crazy, I don't know.

This is going to go out to the masses, right? Yeah, yeah. But it's okay. I'm gonna keep it PG-13. You know, I've done some things. How's that? Now, come on. You shouldn't be afraid of what the internet's gonna say. You only have a few years of life left anyway.

Come on, now's the time to... No, thank you. Okay. Did you see in the show before you watched the show? You know the type of hard-hitting questions that I ask in these interviews. What in the show before you watched the show, you know the type of hard-hitting questions that I ask in these interviews? With that said, since you know the show, what do you think something that you can give us,

a confession of some kind, something interesting about you? I had a lady here literally three weeks ago, I do believe, who talked about how she stormed the Capitol on January 6th. Now is your chance. What's your version of that? Most interesting thing about your life. Say something wild. Think bisexual and not by focal. Something wild about your entire life could be anything. You once accidentally murdered somebody and I'd get rid of the body.

No, nothing like that guys. I'm sorry. You know, maybe I was a boy scout leader and a Cod Scout leader Yeah, you were yeah, I was when Jimmy was growing up. Who's Jimmy? Yeah, I'm a swiggy. Oh He's been pulling a zack Duranus the whole time Son of a bitches with their stage names! Okay, alright.

I know, I know. Red band's mad because you're not a real female comic, but I feel like there's something interesting that I can get out of you. I try so hard with people like you. I don't know what you're saying. Yeah, I'm boring. I'm sorry. But why would you sign up for the show if you're boring? Oh, I really didn't think I would be boring. But it, but it, but it, that's it.

Think about crazy, that is. If you played the lottery, you have a chance of winning. It might be a small chance. Here, this isn't even the lottery. You shut the fuck up. Come to the fucking homos out there. Jesus Christ. So here you are.

You fucked up up then. You still want the craziest thing? Yeah. All right, all right. OK. Yes. All right. I had sex in a Corvette.

There you go. In the back seat. I brought it. All right. Oh, Tony drives a Corvette. Yeah. Mine does not have a back seat. That is incredible.

That's a tight squeeze. And so is the back seat. Yeah. Woo. I'm kidding. I don't think you have a tight pussy. All right. Swiggy's mom, I tried it.

Best idea. You get what you paid for and you signed up for a crazy show. You got put in the hot seat. Flot 30 seconds of flying me to the moon Didn't cut it. I tried to make the interview interesting. I tried my very best my advice you is don't sign up for things that have a Low chance of you getting up if you don't if you don't have anything prepared if you do get up Yeah, okay, there you go. There's some wisdom swiggies mom. I'll tell you what though. I'll give you a little joke book

Swiggies mom Swiggies mom Yo, over here. There you go. Absolutely. Just go. Get the fuck out of here. What's this for? So write your will. Now we started late. We should get a real female comedian up here, right? We should get a real female comedian up here, right? Sorry to Christopher sorry to Hunter Caitlin Cannon is inside to there's an eye here, which means they are inside We got Caitlin Cannon. There we go. Here she comes look at this One of your own people

Defending the audience is on her here tonight with 60 seconds uninterrupted This is always interesting when they come from the inside Because the people that do the sign ups they ask if they're inside and this is inside one more time for your your final bucket pull of the night Caitlin can and everybody Thank you. I came all by myself tonight and then I came here. I tried to pick up a guy in line, I said excuse me sir. Are you a gynecologist because my pussy is sick so I'm alone but there are some advantages for instance there was

no one to tell me I couldn't get a sexy stripper tattoo of my grandmother and before I had them suck at all my fat and put it into my boobs, I was like really depressed and kind of suicidal, you know? I didn't know why. And now I know that it's because I was really a skinny girl with big boobs, duck, and a fat girl with little boobs body. And that's a hard life. The last guy I was with, he wanted to come on my tits, but They're like brand new, you know? I mean I said no, but I let him come on my grandma's tits

Damn, Caitlin Cannon coming in with Real slut energies Coming in with real slut energies Absolutely incredible hello Caitlyn canon. How long you been on stand-up comedy? This is my first time ever wow look at that first time ever How would you like to open for Tony Hinshko but there's a cargo theater? Who is that? Dora Bulberry, sweet. So, Caitlin, this is your first time ever doing stand-up comedy. Where are you from?

Nashville, Tennessee. Okay. I'm actually raised. No. Okay, Jesus. I'm from Alabama. What a bitch. I'm on a, I play music. I'm a songwriter and I'm just on tour like a shitty tour. Okay, and um, you know

How does that happen? I just leaned on the keyboard because I saw her knees are the same as William my gummeries Dan those are some... I don't get it. Is that because of my music? Yeah, you have fucked up knees. No one's told you this before, right? Because I'm white. It's okay.

It's going to bother you for the rest of your life this moment right now. I kind of feel bad right now, actually. Those knees are beat up, dude. I mean, those... You literally have... I see you're trying to bend them now But you might as well just own it at this point. Yeah, that's incredible Okay, all right very good. Yeah, okay Okay Jewish comedian and

And you can't let I'm gonna I'm gonna save you Bombay Ramsey This is incredible. I'm just gonna I'm gonna protect you Bombin' A. Ramsey. Uh, this is incredible. I'm just gonna, I'm gonna protect you from anything else. What do you do for work? I just told you I'm a songwriter. That's what you do for a living. Yeah. Okay, well, we're running deep into this part of the show.

We gotta put a ribbon on this thing. So you wanna, you sing? Uh, yeah. You don't fly me to the moon? I'm fine. If you give the band a song real quick, they could play it in a fucking heartbeat. They're not like the bands out in Nashville to take weeks to practice. Yeah, right, right. I only know the songs.

I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I only know the songs.

I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I only know the songs. I've picked up recently from one of my friends that calls me the N word a lot. Give them a song. Well I don't, I only know the songs I've written, but I can sing one of those. Oh Jesus, that's a Nashville shit right there. I think one of those three.

All right I'll do it. What are the chords? E flat. Uh-huh. And then, oh, shit. I don't know the fuck. You wrote it. I know, I know.

I'll do it acapella. All right. All right. They'll follow along. We'll just go from here. De-Manus said they're going to watch. I don't know. The back of my knees probably look like the fucking okay.

It's alright. It's alright. You're great. You're great. No one's looking at your knees anymore. You're... Let...let the black dudes do the rhythm. Okay, here we go. The fuck did you just say? The fuck? Okay, here I go. This is a sexy song. The fuck did you just say? Okay, here I go This is a sexy song

Not if you're singing it. Oh I'm kidding. I'm kidding. All right. Here she is with her knees Caitlin can and everyone Oh! You're a gay Mexican and that guy? Yes, I'm a Mexican. Thank you. Thank you. That is the greatest roast show I've ever heard of. I'm a gay Mexican. Hola. Oh, la! A gay Mexican. I have been made fun of my whole life.

I've never been called a gay Mexican. That's incredible. I like it. I know. It is absolutely. I'm trying to get better at this part. You're good. You're good. The roasting. Sing us a song. That's what you do. We do the roasting. You don't have to play our game.

You don't see me out here singing with my weird knees out. You say you you sing a song I'm trying to make you look good right now. Yeah, okay. Okay. One two one two three four. I knew just what I was Getting into knocking on the door of your hotel room and nothing but a jagged some fuck me shoes I knew it was on I heard you say oh God I knew you were gonna tear your way into me like a present on Christmas day I know all about the consequence Getting into bed with you

My heart is saying I don't need that shit, but all of my body is saying I do. Babe, I think that you might be the best drug in Tennessee. I don't care what I gotta do to have it. I am a love, I did. Sometimes I think nature has got it out. For me, why can't a woman just get to fuck? One night together, gotta fall in love. So hard to find a good man over 40. I know your line when you say that stuff.

I just got excited you could get it up. Now I'm matching the drinks to the furniture and I'm picking out thousand campers and you're probably insane or a murderer. But I say to myself I'll be good when I'm dead. That's basically. Wow, that was actually pretty cool. That's the one. That was pretty cool. That's a poetry song. How long you've been doing that for?

I've been songwriting since about 2012. OK, 2012. Yeah, I've been a Nashville for three years. Did you get your heart broken or something before you started writing songs? Yeah, I have like a perpetual broken heart. It's always broken. How about now you have a you have a lover now? Do you find that having no one in your life that loves you helps you with your songwriting? I'm talking about the creative

talking about the creative process. I think that it helps to have a broken heart because you're trying to fulfill that with the audience. Constantly break your knees. Yeah. Yeah. That's. That's. I think it's gliding. I mean, I've never been like, it's so fucking ripped on my knees before. I think it's the spirit of Loretta Lynn in your knees. Right now, I hold my hand. It's a spirit of Loretta Lynn.

She's like a real Loretta Lynn. Yeah. Neba McIntyre over here. No, usually it's. You're okay. Your knees aren't even that weird. It's just something that makes it drives people fucking, it drives people crazy if you make fun of their knees. But really everybody has weird knees.

Not that weird, but yours... I mean, you want to upset me. You shouldn't make fun of my arms because they're more like... We'll stick right where your knees are most. Yeah. You have your knee. I have legs arms your knees look like faces of dead baby spirits

well you look like that guy from the whale oh the whale free willy like what the fuck now the whale yeah it's the Brendan Frazier oh thank you that's a compliment.

The very rich man. Not a compliment. If you wanted to really make my name use, who should have said he looks like your knees? Yeah, I do look like one of your knees. You were very much fun, Caitlin. It takes a lot of fucking courage to sign up for the show. You came up here, guns ablaze, and you did it

for your very first time. For a first time set, I found it completely entertaining. You handled the roast jokes really, really well. Here's a big joke, fuck. Enjoy. You're gonna get a gel blaster as well. There she goes Caitlyn Cannon, ladies and gentlemen. All right. This is it, everybody. You made it to the finish line. There's only one person that could possibly put a ribbon on a show like this. Barack Obama. That is correct.

Former president of the United States anyway. He's the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine, the bees knees, if you will. Put your hands together. For the great, the powerful William Montgomery everybody. First off, Tony, are you really Mexican? Hey, table of contents, wrap it up already. I'm trying to start reading over here. Nothing worse than opening a book and having to skip past the pages and say dedicated to mumsy and pop.

You don't hear me starting a set announcing the name of my agent and my tax accountant. Get to the good shit you pompous authors. If I wanted to read about who you are, everything to, I'd read you a year obituary. I'm sick of this shit. OK, let's get on to the next one. Uh, I heard somebody say the other day I'm sick of this shit. Okay, let's get on to the next one. Uh-huh.

I heard somebody say the other day that they felt like Schindler's list was too long, which sounds a little anti-Semitic, because I feel that list could have been way longer, like 7 million people on here. I was literally sitting in front of a rock climbing gym earlier in a one-arm girl walked out and I couldn't help but wonder, Red Band, what's your excuse? And that's not a fucking joke! That literally happened to have been... Okay, that's my time fucking joke! Can that literally happen? Okay, that's my time. Wow. Wow.

The more sets than anyone ever in the history of the show. And meanwhile, while writing a new minute, every single week, somehow to me, that 7 million people, Schindler's List joke, is the joke of the night without a doubt. Coming in and showing what a veteran of stand-up comedy is like That isn't that is a joke that can work all the time. Thank you I know that can be a new one that I start using on the longer sessions totally agree. Yep in the mix

What the fuck was that funny for seriously? Why was that funny? They all know yeah Yeah, they know. They know. What's the bandaid in your back of your neck? To what? It's the cancer. I actually got it lasered and burned off last Wednesday. So hopefully, I got a little more longer.

Yeah, I had cancer. Skin cancer. Oh, wow. Yep. But yeah, actually, Tony, I got a new tattoo on my leg I would love to show you it's kind of an honor of the getting the cancer off my neck So okay, do you want to see my new leg tattoo? Oh? Wow he's taking his belt off. I have no interest. Oh, this is very interesting is belt is coming off everybody

So it's I got like a This is very interesting, as belt is coming off, everybody. First time he's on the team, he's on the team. Oh my god. So it's, I got like a... Speedy Gonzalez. If y'all can see right here, I got a... It's a Speedy Gonzalez wearing a... He has a piece of cheese. But yeah, Tony, do you like it? I mean,

let me see what the fuck is going on. I mean, I just had fucking cancer. And now I'm trying to show you all new fucking tattoo. What the fuck is going on? Wow. This is You fucking tattoo! What the fuck is going on? Wow! This is... What are the rules on YouTube? Do we have to... Do we have to write them like a handwritten letter?

No, it's okay. Hey, this is a wee spree promise. I just gotta see some stuff later in the episode. It's not big enough. We don't have to... William! Oh my god! We don't have the same. Oh my god! Oh my god!

Tony, I actually have some really big news. I'm starting a new Etsy shop. Penises by William. It's $80 fucking dollars. I mean, you go to like a Christmas dinner or something and you're trying to break the eyes. Get one of these penises by William. You go to like a Christmas dinner or something and you're trying to break the ice Get one of these penises by William. You can just say you just got a new leg tattoo you can This is incredible using the extra pocket of it brought to you by she thought it would have Ponder really holds in those big dicks. Yeah, you can walk in like Uncle Lance and Mary

It's so nice to be here. I have this actually really weird itch on my My upper thigh. Let me show you all real quick and then De-manus is blind and somehow he knows what's oh my god, no Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Why would you drink your ass up, you! That's my real dick, dude! Oh. No, but we make them really good. I have a new Etsy shop. It's really cool. Penises by William. They're $75.

Wow. I mean... Did you mold it? Like, is that your real dick? Huh? You mold it out. You don't fuck with me right now bitch! I just had to already suck my dick.

Don't fuck with me now bitch. Wow, this is an incredible moment in the history of Killtony, the first ever exposed penis, the first ever, man on man blowjob. That was exciting. That was very sweet of you, Ari. Thank you.

I love it. Actually, Tony, I don't know if you remember. Ari was actually the first person to expose his penis on Killtony live on YouTube. I remember that it's correct. I had no as live back then. Yeah. That was. We're not live thing. Yeah. That was.

We're not live anymore. Yeah, that was one of the flags we got. Oh. That thing is absolutely incredible. I can't stop staring at it, Will. You might must be honest, the fact that it's... I know. It looks a little bit like my, I'll be honest.

Mine's a little smaller than this, but it looks kind of similar. The coloring is pretty similar. But I can make them for you like this. I mean, I had to test a bunch of different dyes, a bunch of different colors. I mean, you just send me a picture of your actual penis. And I'm going to be able to mold a one that looks pretty much just like it. I've already made three for RedBand's fucking dumbass. What do you make these penises out of exactly?

Can you get to describe the process? Yeah, it's like a silicon base. I use a decent amount of lycra. What do you make these penises out of exactly? Can you get to get described the process? Yeah, it's like a silicon base. I use a decent amount of lycra. It's like a mix of probably 60% silicon, 30% lycra. And then I just have molds. I make molds. This is actually after my cousin, my cousin Robert gave me a mold at his penis.

So this is actually my cousin Robert's penis. But yeah, I have all different kinds of molds. And yeah, I just have that. It's 30% like for us, 70% silicon. And you mix it together. You have to heat it up for 20, 30 minutes, and then it ends up you can get through it. Then do you shape it yourself with your own bare hands Yeah, I put it in the mold. There's a mold Yeah, cousin robber was really sweet. He let me put my mold on his thing and Didn't ask too many questions You you apply the mold with your hands. Yeah, yeah, okay

Directly on your cousin Roberts penis. Yeah, there's also balls attached. Yes, those are balls do yeah Can you mix balls with different persons dick? Yeah, for sure like red band has really small balls. Yes, he's sweet I'm kidding actually do I've really tiny balls, but Arias probably the biggest balls in the whole entire world. Maybe I could, after this, maybe mold me. Yeah, I think it's time. It's that time. It's gonna be a lot of editing this episode. Make sure you get that. It's disgusting, guys.

Another pair of Sheet Thunder Rares. Take note that we all wear Sheet Thunder Rares. Oh my God. That is absolutely incredible. This is Kiltowni, the number one live podcast in the world. Oh, they're touching balls. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Make some fucking noise for William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen Check them out on cameo make some noise Yeah, hold on have it all on before the chest drop give me one second later. I was in Romania I was in a European tour the wrong side of history. I was in Romania. I was in a European tour the wrong side of history I was in Romania and I was at an underground post-punk rock club and he was asking about American comedy and I was like

Yeah, it's pretty great because I love to bring some of those guys over here I'm like, well, who's your favorite? Who do you want to bring over here? It goes really only one guy. Oh wow William Montgomery They want a book you do they a book here at your troll club and Bucharest, Romania. They want you there. Well, I never give a stand for the Romano! Oh, I can't.

Go, sounds good. Make some noise one more time for William Montgomery. Woo! How loud can this place get for truly truly? I mean I think this guy stands for fucking everything Uncancelable, unstoppable at on that the top of his career right now my big brother. I should fear everybody Go watch Jew on YouTube. Joe Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, C.M. Smokehouse, Skurball, Peanut Butter Whiskey, one more time for the band, huh?

Michael Gonzalez, Paul Deemer, Matt Muleing, John Bees, D-Badness. Here's the drawing from local artist, Chris Rogers. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebellt is then you can see that right there. It's a William Montgomery, exclusive Killtoni merch available only tonight on your way out. If you want a little souvenir for your way home. If you have $5, come to the Sunset Strip Comic Club.

There you go, the Sunset Strip Cognizant! Come to the Sunset Strip! Sunset Strip ATX.com! There you go! And the arena is over halfway sold out. That's gonna be gone soon. So get your tickets for that New Year's Eve. Why not spend it with us? It is going to sell out.

This is your chance to get tickets for a Killtony. Those of you listening around the world. Not gonna last much longer. And go to KillMururch.com for all the official Kill Tony merch you can possibly want We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody I'm going to do that. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm going to see the place where I'm going to see the place where I'm going to see the place where I'm going to see the

place where I'm going to see the place where I'm going to see the place where I'm goingスタッフのアイスクリームを 見つけたら スタッフのアイスクリームを 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけたら 見つけた 見つけたら 見つけた 見つけたら ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Thanks for watching! you you