KILL TONY - #620 - RICH VOS - ADAM RAY

Episode Date: July 25, 2023

Rich Vos, Adam Ray, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/03/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:GAMETIME! – Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code KILLTONY for $20 off.—MANSCAPED.COM – USE COUPON CODE “TONY” – GET 20% OFF + FREE SHIPPING – VISIT MANSCAPED.COM—HELLOFRESH.COM – Go to HELLOFRESH.COM/TONY16 and use code “tony50” for 50% off, plus free shipping!

Hey, this is RedBan and you are listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. If you want to check out our merch, go to shop squad.tv for Desquad merch and tour dates or go to Kill Merch for all the Kill Tony merch, including posters, hats, shirts and hoodies, Kill Merch.com. ToneHinchCliff.com is on a huge tour right now, so check out his website to find more information that's ToneHinchCliff.com. I have a brand new comedy club.

It's next door to the mothership. It's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, you can check out my secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip or go to SunsetStripATX.com for more information. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, this is RedBank coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony H.C.L.E. Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? Oh, la la, hey look, it's Red Band everybody. Hi! Ten years and a month of working with this man, we never miss a beat. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, beat. No, no. Indeed. How about a hand for the fucking band, huh?

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What? Yeah. These people like to drink. This is a brand new thing. What? Yeah. These people like to drink. Oh, this is an unbelievable deal. I forgot to tell you, we get IV drips now anytime we want. Oh, shit. How cool is that? That's a great local artist, Chris Rogers, drawing over there.

How about a hand for the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums? Paul Deemer on the horns. Met Mewling on the electric guitar. John D's on the keys. And the great D madness right down the barrel here. We were watching from the screen up in the green room and somebody mentioned something that I thought was hilarious. If you don't know the show, you can't tell which one of these two musicians behind us is blind.

Demandists and John Dees having a blind off tonight. It could be either one of them. Maybe you'll figure it out as the episode goes on. We have a very fun show planned for you before we start. Here's a little bit from the amazing sponsors. The May tonight's episode available for you here right now. Hey all, it's official. It's announced. It's out there. My largest stand-up tour of my entire life. Oh, the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Columbus, Ohio, Kansas City, Missouri,

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Alright, you guys ready to start the show? You guys can do better than that. You ready to start tonight's fucking show? How many of you guys been listening to the show a long time, huh? How many of you consider yourself true fans of Stand Up Comedy? Well, then you're in for a special treat. Two guests tonight, two of the best. This is, I know when I book this show perfectly.

This is one of those nights. Make some noise for two of the greatest guests in the show's history. Two of my favorite comedians on Planet Earth, Rich Boss and Adam Ray! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay!

Yay! Yay! Rich Boss! Yay! Adam Ray! Yay! Alright, Adam, sit down. Rich Boss!

Adam Ray! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Yay! Alright Adam, sit down. Rich Boss, Adam Ray. This is a perfect booking. Adam, silly, goofy, super present, rich boss, New York, serious, joke, joke, joke.

I fucking love this combo. This is a sweet little Kiltoni cocktail we have made here tonight. Adam, how you feeling? Fire it up. Happy to be back in Austin. You guys fired up to be here. Happy birthday America. Yeah. Adam, one of the funny up-per-guests of the year 2023 nominated 2022 2021 and 2020. Him and I came up together at the comedy store every time we get together It's always a fucking silly fucking mess the great rich bosses here fresh off a birthday this fucking weekend And I do believe fucking six sold out shows here at the mothership absolutely crushing golfed in 87 today

A 92 with me on Friday. This guy's fucking crushing. Amazing week. You can't ask for anything better. I'm telling you, this fucking town is the best town in this area. I'm gonna go one step further. It's the best town in the fucking world! Oh, fuck sh- This is what I'm talking about. I fucking love it. We're gonna have so much fun here tonight. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. We're gonna get through it together. I mean not all of these names, but we're gonna meet a few of these fucking crazy people They get 60 seconds. You know your time is up and you're the sound of a kitten They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear But you guys know all about this when that noise happens or they stop their set I interview them we find out more about them, we find out what makes them interesting. Every episode has a different DNA, completely different guests, different bucket pools, and a few familiar faces that we call the regulars.

But before we get to our first comedian of the night, I'm going to pre-pull a name so that we can grab them from the bar, two doors down, and what's fucking do it? You guys ready to start the show? Well, well, well, there's only one way to start a show like this. This guy has been defending his throne for weeks. We're giving him the night off of defending unless we don't like his set in which case next week he will be fighting for his life. We have applied extra pressure to him so that he takes every one of these sets super super seriously. He started on the show two years plus ago. We found him sleeping in his van eight years into the open mic game and we changed

to spuck in life. He now sells out every goddamn weekend hitting bonuses in every city, making vast sums of money. He wears a Rolex watch. He is with a girl out of his league. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words. You guys know the words? Start it now. Ladies and Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, kill humans with, but then I realize you can't just Google that. So I just Google best bullets for self-defense. And I realize you can Google anything as long as you put self-defense at the end of it. How to commit a mass shooting for self-defense. For all those Jews come running at you. Juby gone, yeah. How to rape for self-defense. And get away, the lady might have to rape you.

You know what they say at airports? If you see something suspicious, say something suspicious. I saw an unattended package. I was like, did you know that the age of consent in Japan is 13 years old? I'm not sure. Thank you. Hans Kim, getting through it. Punch, punch, punch, punch.

Thank you, Tony. How did that one feel for you? It felt amazing. Please don't make me do that again the challenge you know us. Oh wow I'm tired of defeating retards in public. Oh my goodness. Wow They're calling me the retard killer out in the streets. Wow look at that, but only in self-defense Interesting you guys think he did good enough to not be challenged next week Wow, look at that, but only in self-defense. Interesting. You guys think he did good enough to not be challenged next week? Thank you.

Thank you. You guys have seen Huns Kim before, what do you think about Huns? How many rape jokes do you think you write a week? Fewer than I do actual rapes. Jesus. fewer than I do actual rapes. Jesus Christ. Well, welcome back. They will probably edit this out. How can you rate when you can't see him?

Good question, Hans. You got to get real close. Man, that's tight. That's tight. It's the belly button, Hans. That was amazing. Thank you, Rich. Yeah, really always on.

I love it. Hans, at one point you said, Juby gone. Yeah. What made you say that? Like an old 90s commercial, like a spray, I thought. That's how it felt. Wouldn't it be nice if we had one of those? I mean, I don't know.

I mean, for any race, not just. I mean, if Jews be gone, who's going gonna order food from your family Another good point Hans that is true Jews love Asian food Yeah, um, they love cheapness and uh, okay Oh my god sound effect of the year so far. Yes, can we please do that after every... Can you give us some more stereotypes of other races?

What about the blacks, huh? Let's give us a stereotype of the blacks. The blacks are very athletic and fast, but they can be a little steely. fast but they can be a little steely. Oh my God. This is like racist comics unleashed. We're just setting them up. Yo Hans, I heard you were hanging out with an Ethiopian guy recently. Thoughts?

You wouldn't have any utensils for me. Hans, if it wasn't for Jews, nobody would have cured the disease you brought here. Rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich, rich. So Hans, let's go through one more race together. Let's pick a specific one. What do you guys think? What would be a good race for this? Okay, I heard German going once. Let's go Germans on this one.

Germans great people. They can be a little The best No one's gonna ever keep them down all right Okay, Hans you did it again fun set way to get the show started I love it. I we're gonna keep you away from having to defend your spot yet again But any given fucking week we're gonna apply the pressure again I love that you fucking stepped it up your sets your interviews your mind if you've been off off the drugs Yes, really a little bit. been off the drugs? Yes. Really?

A little bit. A little bit. Yes, hold on, hold on, wait, wait, wait, stop the music. You been off the drugs a little bit, yes. So what does that mean? What are you doing? I've been sticking with weed a lot. Oh, that sets up.

We have no problem with weed here. How many little key bumps of blow have you done in the past week? I did a little nasal Cocaine with water watery cocaine I did that and then I've also done Rich have you heard of this watery cocaine? I said fucking be a man and smoke crack I did you one-re-co-k. That the fuck up.

I love it. Hans, you did it again. We love you. Adam, anything else for Hans? No, I mean, I mean, you know, the first jujoke, you know, was a lot, but then you doubled down and did like four more. So got respect for you. Why do you do why do you do one more? jujoke to end this Actually, let me call my rabbi real quick

Jews really great at following the rules, but they're not really good at like You know outside the rules that's where the blacks have the advantage that like outside the rules, that's where the blacks have the advantage. There he goes, Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was... Your first bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen, truly anything can happen here. I mean it's crazy. I don't think we've ever met this person before. This could be a local legend that we've never heard of.

It's been trying to sign up for months. Could be somebody who got here in town today. Could be somebody that's been doing it 20 years. Could be somebody's first time. You guys get it? 60 seconds uninterrupted to Chandler Valencia ladies and gentlemen. Here we go. Chandler Valencia. 60 seconds uninterrupted to Chandler Valencia ladies and gentlemen here we go Chandler Valencia 60 seconds of stand-up comedy and then an interview here he is How we doing Yeah, I'm doing great dude honestly like I'm in Austin because I'm in town for an audition I had this morning Yeah, found out a few minutes ago the role Yeah, I would plan the role of a cuckolded husband in the other room.

I'm not really sure what a cuck is, but I can't wait to hold it, you know what I'm saying? Like the craziest part is I just showed up. Like I didn't realize this and you know, they're like your perfect kid. I was like sick. I'm taking a white girl right now and I think she's heard the stereotype that white people under season their food too much because now she oversees it, you know, I'm doing the damn cinnamon challenge with everybody. I actually have a superpower, a lot of people don't know this about me. Yeah, I can accurately guess any man's dick size Just by the taste of their balls. Yeah

Food for thought for you Is it exactly a minute Chandler Valencia Fun times Chandler welcome welcome welcome how long you been doing stand up since September since September? Okay, so almost a year. Yeah. All right. What do you do for work? I work at a school. I do IT. You work at a school. Yeah. Wow. You look like you wouldn't be allowed near one. This is incredible. Amazing. Your forehead is almost nonexistent completely. Now with the hair, no, that's too long. Okay, yeah, when you do that it lasts for a second. And then during your set I noticed it was blocking your eyes in a very Hans Kim style of lack of vision. It helps, you know, the lights are bright, you know. Okay, so you kind of use it as a hat.

Sort of. Not on purpose. Right. Okay, so Chandler, what type of school are we talking about? Kids? High school? Yeah. Alright, so what's that like?

What's it like working around high schoolers nowadays? In the year 2023, how's it different than when you went to high school? There's way more technology like if a computer's not working, none of the kids can do anything, and it's super weird. Also, went to the high school, so all the kids at the school always like to find my yearbook photo and make fun of me for it. What are some of the funniest names they've called you in the last like 48 hours?

For a... Because I'm sure they hit you up on like DMs and stuff too. No, they don't, they don't. What are some of the funniest names they've called you in the last like 48 hours? Because I'm sure they hit you up on like DMs and stuff too They don't know they don't know they ever say that you kind of look like a giant shit zoo puppy. No My nickname was a prince for like four months when I first started prince. Yeah, why? Valencia is like my last name and it's like a descendant of the Queen Victoria or something of Spain. Oh, today I say you have the charisma of a tumor. I wish, I wish. Look how tight your pants are.

Yeah, I can see it. You're nuts and a nickel. Good, good. I want my package to be up front, you know what I mean? I want ladies to know what they're working with, you know what I'm saying? Do the ladies know what they're working with, Jimmy? Ask them, you know. What's your love life like? I would love to know what a guy that looks like you is doing in the game of PUS.

I have a wonderful girlfriend. I've been Daenerys since December. Okay, what does she do? She works at a hotel. What does she do at the hotel? She's in the manager training program, so right now she's doing great stuff. Okay. And where did you meet this girl at? Tender. Tender. What did you do for your first date? Where'd you meet? What happened? What went on? Breakfast on a Sunday.

Breakfast on a Sunday. Do you remember where you had breakfast at no you guys had mushrooms didn't you for breakfast I wish did I wish did you do a lot of drugs I don't I don't we're not allowed to because of the school I don't believe you yeah do you have do you have a like a van a couch and a cast no No. Thank you to one person. So you meet her for breakfast, then what happens? We walked around the square up in Dallas and scheduled a second date, you know, spring with you. Okay, what happened the second date?

I don't got much raise if you're asking like if I fucked on the first date, I ain't got that, you know what I mean? Okay, I'm not, I'm asking about the second date Second day amen. Do you fuck on the second date? No, I think it was the fourth date. Mm-hmm. I wish you were walking under grassy no You have any special skills or talents Chandler. No, not really You have any special skills or talents, Chandler? No, not really, no. Nothing at all. You've never won like a trophy or a competition your entire life.

I told you last time I was on that I was a professional video game player before. Yeah, I did win a few tournaments back then, but... Playin' what game? H1Z1. Would you call me? Yeah. H1Z1. I do believe...

It's big in China, so... Right, yeah, it sounds like one of the things that's made in China. H1Z1, the flu, if you know what I'm saying. All right. What anti-Semitic joke do you have? That is true. Let's load up the anti-Semitismism music, aka sign-felt theme. Do you have any anti-semitism jokes you could do?

I don't think so. Let me ask you this. What do you think about the Jews? Rich Voss is Jewish, by the way. I mean, if we had to, I'm just kidding. No, you do have to. You do have to. And yes, maybe you're kidding.

I don't know. I used to date this Jewish girl, so I like to. And what we see like, she was very aggressive sexually. How so? Like, we would get into my apartment and she would be like, all right, we're having sex, even though my room made out in the, like verbally say that, even though my room made out in the front. I'm from away.

Even she was talking to him. Yeah. You might which talking to him. Yeah. You might have intercepted that. Yeah, maybe, maybe. But if you could name one stereotype, perhaps of any race. Um, why are you looking at me? Yeah, he's looking around. Yeah, he's looking around.

Why are you looking around? Oh my god. He's like, we got every flavor up here. Really locked in on B madness there. D, the guy was looking at you. D's the blind one. By the way, I gave it away for those to be they were trying to pick it up.

I've been workshopping this joke. I haven't workshopped this joke that goes like, you know, white people tend to follow black people trends and black people don't tip. So I'm just not tipping because I want to be the leader, you know. You know? Shanler, congratulations. Shanler, congratulations. He did have one, like, almost, it felt like it could be your catchphrase. You said at the end right before you got the meow, you said, so that's some food for thought.

Yeah. I feel like that could be your kind of way to kind of, you know, get out of, you know, either bombing a joke or having something be too offensive. So do you mind doing one more pretty offensive joke and then just go, yeah, anyway, I like this idea. By the way, do you brag to the kids about making your own soup? No. Okay.

But you do make your own soup, don't you? What? You do make your own soup sometimes. I don't know how to cook. Like, I cannot cook worth shit, did I'm honest. Right. This sounds racist, keep going. It's not racist, bro.

Here it comes, come on. Do the joke and then the food for thought thing, if you don't mind. I'm honest. Right. This sounds racist. Keep going. It's not racist, bro. Here it comes. Come on. You might do the joke and then the food for thought thing if you don't mind. Yeah, here we go. You have one more, perhaps, racist? I don't really got another racist joke on a thing. Okay, you're cooking a Jew.

Okay. Okay. What do you think it tastes like? Couscous. Alright, wow. That's food for thought, you know. I guess you can. Eeeeeeee! There he goes, ladies and gentlemen.

Chandler, did you get a little joke book last time you were on? I got a big one. Okay, well there you go. Good job, Chandler Valencia everybody, there you go. All right, onward we go. The show has started. Your next comedian out of the bucket, we're gonna meet him all together,

make some noise for Mason James everyone. Here we go. Mason James. Come on, one more time for Mason James. Come on one more time for Mason everybody. All right, I'm not racist despite my face. Living in Houston, most diversity in the United States, very good. There we got a lot of diversity. We got a lot of Mexicans.

And Mexicans here, light. Woo! There we go. That's good. You can always hear them. That's good. Love Mexicans. Love you guys. Seriously, probably my favorite race besides white, for sure. Love y'all. I love the food. I love the culture. I love the tequila, but can we fix desserts?

It's going on, he finished a great meal. It's like, hey, would you like a soaking wet cake or a hop and aeropop sickle? I don't want to build a wall. I'd like some new recipes. Okay. People ask me, like, what's your immigration policy? I'm like, it looks a lot like the show Top Chef. Wow! Great set, Mason James. Absolutely. From the get, had me laughing at the way that the band went a little long, and you noticed. You played off it, had me laughing before you even set a word with just a oogi.

And it was good. Michael did go a couple beats long, typical Mexicans. There we go, baby. They don't know how to end their drums or their meals. Oh yeah. That's call back to his dessert joke everybody. I don't know. Maybe you guys forgot that.

It was 45 seconds ago. Very funny, Mason. You've been doing stand up for a little bit of time, huh? Oh yeah, a little over two years now. Very, very, very rock solid, Mason. All of it in Houston. Oh yes. Is that where you're from, very rock solid, Mason. All of it in Houston. Yes. Is that where you're from, born and raised? Columbus. It's a halfway between Houston and

Austin. Columbus, Texas. Yes, sir. That's halfway between here in Houston. Yeah, yeah, right. Yeah. Yeah, you're from there. Just one of them. Wait a second. Checking with them. Guy from Brisbane, Australia, is that a record? A little bit Texas? You've been driving a delivery truck? You should know whether you're 10 minutes or not. All right, so let's talk about it, Mason. What do you do for work? I work in the food service industry,

so we do food service for old folks homes and camps. So, oh wow, a lot of people love old folks homes and camps. Okay. A couple of girls just started playing with themselves over the information. That was a very exciting one. Wild, just asking the ladies go nuts for camps. I didn't even know you're, what, what?

Am I in trouble? No. We did open mics in Houston. Yeah, and I, what, did I in trouble? No. We did open mics in Houston. Yeah, and I, what, did I stop in? Oh, you gave me a ride. Yeah, we were drove together. Yeah, no, no. No.

No. Oh, no. And he was. And he was. And he was. I knew I had no. What? Should we get out of here?

Side belt theme. No, no matter fact, I did a club and then we did the open mic after at that place. He was fucking funny. Although you do look like a baby bird with cancer, but he was fucking funny when we did the open mic. Yeah, yeah. I can't believe I didn't remember you, baby, because I'm a big fucking act. Uh... Uh...

Uh... Uh... That's amazing. That was really sweet. Your face lit up. That was really... Yeah, it was. I can't believe how long it took you to notice that one of the people here you knew. I'm...

I'm, uh, yeah, I'm pretty, I was pretty, still pretty nervous at the moment, yeah. Right. I try to eat a beta blocker on the way here. They do not taste good raw. So I had to spit it out, and the guys were being mean to me back there. So I was this whole thing, it was the whole thing.

What were, how were they being mean to me? Because I was like, I need some water. I gotta take this, this tastes so bad. And then they're like, get on the freaking X, I'm like, they still talking. I was just like, all right, all right, I'll get up there. How old are you? You could be 45 or 12, I'm not exactly sure. You have a very interesting look, you have a baby face and an adult body, and this fucking guy's

going to light a fuse or something like that. The fucking Mexican can she go on outside? I have to wait for you. I love it, this guy stands straight fucking out. This fucking guy is going to light a fuse or something like that. The fucking Mexican's going out, so I have to wait for you. Yeah, I love it. This guy stands straight fucking up. He's gonna be on this show. Meanwhile, a Mexican ducking that's three foot seven walking by.

And that was absolutely incredible. Try to duck next time you saw the Arabian. I know him. He saw the Arabian. He is. Sometimes he wears a cowboy hat and I call him, I call him, I fucking forget. Keith Turban, that's right, thank you Yoni. Yoni with the assist. Keith Turban, because he's okay. Do you get a lot of material from the old folks on? No, not really no exactly do do there do you walk a you like we do so we do all the food we do like

Do you staff it? We do all the menu planning to hire people so a bunch of bad chefs, right? Because I mean if it's old people you don't have to yeah They're not they're they don't like food and they don't like politics right now. What kind of camps are we talking about? Concentration camps per house? No, a lot of Christian camps, a lot of Christian camps. Any... Christian?

Oh, you just... That way you do, you do tallies, if you say any Mexicans, any Christians, any... You know what? You know what, weird, we just put my dad in a rest home. Well, not actually, we didn't have the money, so we drove down the turn plate and put him in a rest area. Oh my god.

There we go. You put your dad in a home, and your great grandparents were put in a camp. So he covers both of those. Well, that's food for thought. He's Jewish. It's Jewish. I's food for thought. He's Jewish. It's Jewish. I have to remind you he's Jewish.

He's laughing at my Jewish jokes so he can't cancel me. I can't have a Roseanne bar happen where someone takes something out of context and my career gets better again. No. You're not Roseanne bar. I'd fuck you You'd be surprised bro. You'd be surprised. She's fucking hotty patotti She's a fucking Texas mountain cougar right now. I'm serious. When's the last time you saw her in person? She has gotten hotter over the years duck down you fucking loser Jesus Christ

Want to sit in the front row have some fucking decorum Fucking loser. Jesus Christ. Wanna sit in the front row? I have some fucking decorum. Coming in like a fucking ogre. What are you doing? Fucking are you protecting Queen Cersei right now? Fucking Jesus fucking Christ. Ever since you started dressing like Tony soprano,

you really stopped giving a fuck. Jesus fuck. What Tony means is thanks for coming out. Yeah, thanks a lot. Don't know how we do. He's raising his hand like a very, very good white man. Sit on the rear. Sit on the rear.

It's a very racial episode. We might have to drop this one on Twitter. Okay, you're raising your hand. Go ahead. I'm very excited to say. No, I was just gonna say maybe we could bring it. Start talking about me again. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Wow.

Somebody's bait a blocker just kicked in. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Go go go go go go go go you go? I, uh, okay, so you asked my age. It's, uh, it's not great. I'm 26 years old. No fucking way. No way. The place is in a ruckus right now. For those of you just watching the show, who would have said anything less than 42?

You, you got that to G-'s and makes you grow old fast. Yep, I think. We know what it is you dumb bitch. She's a stri- Thank you, mainbrutans. Shut the fuck up. I bet she stands straight up too. And she does.

What Tony means to say is that's a great answer and a great movie. Thanks for coming out. We also would have accepted Jack with Robin Williams. So thank you. thanks for coming out. We also would have accepted Jack with Robin Williams. So, thank you. Thanks for coming out. You're 20, what? I couldn't even believe when you said the word 20.

I'm like, no, fucking way. What have you seen where your parents brutally murdered in front of you? Oh. How do you, why do you look like that? Were you in the military? No. No, you weren't, you didn't fight in a war in the desert. It's gonna, I've seen old people refuse applesauce too many

times. Yeah, is that it? Is that from hanging out at nursing homes too long? I don't know. By the way, you could just give those people hellofresh.com, use the code Keltzoni50 to save 50% You could just give those people hellofresh.com, use the code Keltzoni50 to save 5pp per sound. There we go. They are great. No, I don't know why it happened to me. Now I'm changing it. Well, the fact that you have no pigment, do you come from a long line of scallops?

Ah! God, you do look like a scallop. Oh, yeah, definitely. I mean, it is, I've been trying to think of what the fuck he looks like. It is unbelievable. If scallops fuck mashed potatoes, it is incredible.

Now, that's food for thought, Rich. Oh my God. What he's saying is that he's really happy you came out tonight. Yeah. No, I heard it. What's he saying? This is incredible. I want to get to the bottom of this.

Why do you look like this? I don't know. I think I just kind of matured. You look the same age as Rich Foss. Can you guess how old Rich is? I celebrated his birthday with him this week. Anyone want to take a guess? It's fucking unbelievable. 54.

It's a good guess. Many of the jetrod regas said 64. You want to tell these people how old you are? You mind? Well now I really have no chance of getting pussy tonight. Go ahead. I don't care. 66.

Wow, you're crushing it. Crushing it, dude. Crushing it. 66. And he looks the same age as you, he's got 14 years on you. Am I doing the math right? No, no, not even close. You're 26? Yeah, that's about 40, yeah. Wait, you said 14. No, I didn't, I said 40. Okay, if it sounded like 14, you said 14. No, I didn't I said 40. Okay, if it sounded like 14 I said 40. I'm sorry I definitely said 40. You said me only just confirm it. He never talks. I said 40

He would not defend me if I was wrong. It's 40 You seem like an easygoing guy are you stressed? Oh, I'm very stressed relationship stuff. No, no, I'm a I'm married stressed. Relationship stuff, no? No, I'm married to a lady, so that's fun. Does she treat you well? She's the best. She's awesome. So I'm going to be a dad. I'm having a baby. Oh!

Wow! Wow! He's going to get birthed to a 35-year-old boy. Dude, I like your style, Mason. He's gonna get birthed to a 35-year- you go. Here's a big joke buck Mason James everybody the kill Tony debut of Mason James Yeah, we're in it tonight people. That's a fucking good little bucket pool. Yeah I'm gonna pre-pull another name, but right now is one of those moments that we've been looking forward to for quite a while because we have a

new regular on the show ladies and gentlemen. I don't know how many of you have been keeping up. You guys up to date on your episodes? We have a new regular on the show that we find to be fucking absolutely one of the most promising little monsters that we've ever discovered here. This is a brand new minute from your new regular. Make some goddamn noise for the one and only camp Patterson, everybody. I used to want to be a thug before I became a comedian, it's not fun to bitch. I could have been a good thug, white lady, I could have been a great thug, but I know I could be a thug, I wanted riding a car with some real thugs and the car got shot up. And that's when I realized that I was a bitch.

Because I was the only one crying. And they were like, they were mad on the nigga, why are you crying? They're shooting at us. What do you mean? The worst thing about them is you know, it's not certain when people shoot at you, they spin back.

Did you know that? They always come back when they shoot at you. when people shoot at you, they spin back, did you know that? They always come back when they shoot at you. So they'll shoot at you, they'll come back and I'll take my shirt off. And I'm like, ain't no good, we surrender. We, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, we, hey, nigga, we need to retaliate. Now, that's the wrong word. Me, Cameron Patterson, I would like to retire. That's it. There we go. Boom.

Boom. Boom. Boom. Boom. Wow. Oh my goodness. We have been unstoppable force, camp Patterson, camp with a K.

What a dude. My goodness. Welcome back. Let's do it again. Unstoppable force camp Patterson cam with a K my goodness welcome back Let's do it again my man absolutely killing this is your first time seeing camp Patterson right gentlemen You're so like what and so my daughter oldest daughter married this black dude So I heard through the family But he's more light-skinned, but you are. I'm bitchin'. Light-skinned nigga bitchin'. Yeah.

Yeah, the real one, you know what I'm sayin'? He was one that was shootin' at you. Nah, he wasn't. I would kill him. I would kill that guy. That guy oughta be murdered. Adam Ray, this is the new uns... What's up, white man? What's up, man? White man? What's up, what's up, what's up... What's up, white man?

What's up, man? White man? What's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what's up, what, what's up, what Thank you I like it you were a wholesome guy appreciate it man You look like your first word words were Fubu Gaga I didn't like that I want to go Your hilarious you're very yeah rich said you're very like how long you been doing it two years? No! Can you have patterns? You're hilarious. Rich said you're very like, how long you been doing it? Two years.

Two years. Yeah. What would you start? Orlando. Fuck. Yeah, yeah. What brought you out here? Oh, see, everything that was going on, I was like, man, take my ass out.

I don't care. I'm not going to like it. I'm not going to like it. I'm not going to like it. Not to, my boss. Oh. I'm not, you don't have to call me your boss. This isn't the, you're not in the Florida plantations anymore.

So. What am I not going to like? I'm excited. I'm not going to brag about that. Yeah. What? Oh, Uncle laser. Wow.

Damn, he hired his own replacement. I love it. Brilliant. My goodness. Wow. Keep bringing him out, Uncle laser. I know you're watching. I know you're watching.

I know you're watching. I know you're watching. I know you're watching. I know you're watching. I know you're watching. Oh my goodness. Wow, keep bringing him out, Uncle Laser. I know you're watching this from far away. Wow, that's incredible. Amazing. Uncle Laser did something to benefit the show. It was a historical moment. I never would have guessed that. Where, how did he find you?

He was doing a show in Tampa and they called me the Barium. Ah! We hit it off. We were good friends. He was like, yeah, you can't buy some crime in the clean. You bring your ass to Texas. Yeah. It's Uncle laser one of those white dudes that can say the N word and you don't get mad or no. No, no, no no not at all

I love it just he asked me to ask D's you want to say John D said no D-man is a no and even Matt Neal Lang said no Uh, he's not gonna say it. He's not watching the game What were you doing in Orlando? Combin? Did you have a job? That was a police. That was a golf. I was a... I was a...

Y'all know what I was. Wait, say it. What were you? I was a stock nigga, huh? I did like stocking, I was a grocery guy. Oh, I did that too. Yeah? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's a good step, son. Yeah, that's good. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You're going to be part of a drive-by later, Adam, that's cool. That's cool. That's cool. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. You're going to be part of a drive-by later, Adam. Congratulations.

Yes. Welcome to the club, baby. And then Adam Ray. Adam Ray. You're going to jump you in. Adam Ray, you can catch him in a drive-by shooting later, or in the Barbie movie right now. He's also in the Barbie movie, yeah.

Nice ball. Too good credits for you. Catch him in a Barbie movie or a dry ballet. Oh, shit. Cam, I just love the, I find out more and more. I find out a lot about you in our drinking sessions at night at Mitzi's after some of the shifts here. It is incredible to think that you were part of so many. You told me last week that you used to have a gun on you, sometimes on stage. Every time I started doing it, I started to come and have a piss on me all the time. Why? I was a scrutiny, but I was a bitch. I just flamed you. I just told you. Come on, stepdad, listen up.

Oh, man. I had a piss, but I didn't want to use it. I don't want to utilize my advantages. You know what I said? But I had one. I bet you it was legal, too, huh? Oh, hell no. I know. I mean, yes. I hope you don't ever get in trouble.

I hope no one never watches Kiltoni. He's like, that guy wants to try to kill me. No, no. I'm sure there's like a thousand police sketches out there that look just like you right now. I don't miss Tony. You're right. You don't. And you also don't on this show, Red Band.

Tony, we found out something about him at the 10 year that you always carry rocks. Do you have a rock on you right now? I got two of them in. You got rock. He keeps rocks on them. They got new rockers. It's from a brown dad.

My son always has rocks. What is this? And I got this one. I got another one. This one, like, more courses. You want to touch it? Touch it. Welcome.

That's the first time this guy's ever been called the N word for sure. That is amazing. Wow. Where are you from, sir? Amazing. What part of Florida? See how Jupiter. That's the rich people part.

They let me in that part. Yeah, no. You're in the middle. I don't let that in the game. Tiger Woods is the only black guy that lives in Jupiter. Am I right? 100% thank you Show us the rocks that you sell oh Those are bad those are for backstage rich those are quite

for backstage rich. Be quiet. Cam, you're a fucking star week after week after week. It is unbelievable. We love you. You came through again. You did it again. Make some fucking noise for Cam Patterson, everybody. That's the future.

And he has arrived. Cam Patterson, we're going to give him a movement. Oh. I want to rock with you. The Cam Patterson, we're gonna give it movement. Huh. I wanna rock with you. Your next comedian out of the bucket goes by the name of Joe Botelho, everybody. Joe Botelho. Top act of follow. Cam is not easy to follow.

Guys, thank you. One more time for Joe, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm so glad I can't thank you. One more time for Joe, everybody. Thank you so much. Thank you. I'm so glad I can't see you. I'm Joe Batella. I'm from Canada. Not a big fan of Drake.

Not because he's black, but it doesn't help. It doesn't really help that much. But I love porn. I hate this, like you hate porn. Now we have to stop whacking off. Dude, I whacked off back in the golden age of whacking off. I had to find my dad's porn. Like half the time you find a gun,

or you find your mom's dirty panties. Like so, when you found the porn and you put the porn in, you had to remember what scene it was in. So your dad would know you found his porn and he'd move the porn stash. But the worst part of doing that is like, when I rewound it and went forward, I never had to go past that part

because I stopped at the same part of my dad. Stopped like we came. Same time. So now I can only come remembering my dad coming, that's pretty much. So that's why I raised my history, so my son doesn't come to the same thing that I come to, which is videos of my dad coming. That's... It's a long minute talking to my dad's cousin.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Longer for us than it was for you, my friends. Show Bottello. Welcome to the show. You've been on here before? Never, first time in America. Oh, wow, where are you visiting from? I was at Toronto, Hamilton. OK, and that's the type of shirt you think is acceptable here?

Actually, one of my best friends is also comic on the show. We were wearing the same shirt today. He had a shirt with meat, loach, but he ate it. It's hot. Joe, you look like the guy that got me, too, to both grocery stores came and I worked at it. I love food.

I love food. Why are you wearing that? What made you go with that? Does that to be silly and funny or something? No, I just said, what happened was we were wearing the shirts at Target and with Cool Story, I like Target. And we were wearing them. And Target and we cool story like Target and We were wearing them and a girl walked by and go that's really nice until we bought the shirts

That's a random girl random girl that's not my wife, so she thinks I'm hot. I thought that was cool Wait the girl thought you were hot. Well, she thought the shirt was nice. That's kind of like the same No Like girls that they compliment you if they go like this. That means they want to Don't touch anybody. Don't touch anybody see the red X stand on the red X Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry when you put that shirt on this morning and only had two bananas on It was so hot. I'm on my third shower today. This fucking heat is hot. Wow Third shower. It is a hot heat that you are not in Canada any longer

What do you do for work? I'm a rougher that you are not in Canada any longer. What do you do for work? I'm a rougher your rougher in Canada. Oh boy. I can dust your own not houses. I'm too big for house. Right. Okay. Did you try houses? I know. I didn't even I didn't even roof my own house. My wife didn't let me. Okay. She didn't want you to she just knows I'm too fat, I think. Right, and you're shaped like a ball. And she's big. She's big. Oh yeah, she's big. How big is she?

Naked, guess her weight. Guess her weight. She's like, you're dressed like a circus freak. Guess her weight. Probably like, does she also wear like, food clothes? Yeah. I like it. That's a question.

Yeah. It's a good question. No, she doesn't like yeah No, she's like probably like 50 pounds less than me. Yeah, but it's like mostly titty Yo shout out to my wife Laura. I love you How did you do? Yeah, you huge bitch? Wait, did you say she's mostly titty? She's mostly titty fat Yeah, oh wow That's definitely got to be the name of your special dude if you ever do mostly titty fat And oh to my wife my kids are fat too way you brought your wife you brought your wife No, no, no, I'm on vacation. No, no, no my wife said. Oh, yeah

My wife from Canada is she cool what part? Oh Nice you son out burda. Oh cool her. Nice. She's from Alberta. Oh cool, that's where my friends from, yeah. Your friend? Oh yeah. Oh Frank? No, my black friend, my- You're what friend?

My black friend. Your black friend is wearing the same shirt as you. Your black friend is wearing a shirt with bananas all over it. Well it's not racist in Canada, we don't have racism. We're the underground railroad. Oh really? Tell that to the indigenous people. I'm married to a native I'm married to a native American prove it

Put your ear to the ground and tell me if she's coming here Just yeah, just look at the glass like Oh All right relax relax. So you're mayor your mayor to Obese native why didn't marry her a beach. She was like really like sexy. Wow Damn, this is like if the land of lakes lady got high on her own supply, you know what I mean? I was fat always what was your guys just go to snack like when you were Yeah, what what made you guys this way? Probably chips, bring them.

Yeah, meatloaf milkshakes. Yeah, meatloaf milkshakes now. It was potato chips. Yeah, Canadians love bringables. Oh, bringables, bringables. I just hope I don't get too fat to put my hand in the can. I think you already have. Really?

Wow, what do you do for fun? John Botelho. Joe Botelho? Yeah, sure. Banana Joe, I don't know, I have a special needs daughter, I love her very much. Oh, okay, that's something to work with. Yeah. Was she the girl that told you that shirt tonight. What kind of special needs are we talking about? She's Canadian. She's one, yeah, and native, half native. Okay, but what's her special needs? She's autistic and as epilepsy and some other stuff I can't pronounce. Oh yeah, fucking party time. What was that for? I think epilepsy. Oh, no, yeah. Oh, okay. Epilepsy. Epilepsy. Okay.

So, like, what happens? Oh, which part? Like, what does it explain? Explain, like, when the epilepsy goes wrong. Oh, it's the brutal. Yeah. So, she was just like, the easy one is like, she just, like, looks up in the air and then turns to the side and just passes out.

The other one is like, you get clear, like, kick tables out and everything and make sure she doesn't hurt herself. Sorry, that's not funny, but. No, it's okay. That's what my wife does when we have sex. But yeah, it's pretty brutal that when she has that. How many kids do you have? Two, I have an older son, stopped at the autistic one. He's autistic. No, just really. He's really Portuguese. He's really Portuguese? Yeah, he's very Portuguese.

What does that mean exactly? It's like Canadian Mexican, I think. Yeah, but I mean, what, what, you're just... Yeah. Like we work really hard, we tan, we eatin' and fuckin' fat girls. How old's your son? He's 19. 19? Yeah.

What does he do? Right now just helps us watch our daughter. He's amazing. daughter is amazing great big Okay, that's good. How old's the daughter? She's gonna be 16 in December. Okay. What are you gonna do when she turns 18? You're gonna stay with us forever. Oh, okay, you're not gonna kick her out of the house. No, okay She might kick you out of the house if she yeah, she might eat house What I don't know. I was just trying to play on the fat thing, so I apologize.

Oh, yeah. Oh, she's big too? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. You seem proud about all this. Well, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm able to provide and feed my family way too much carbohydrates. Oh shit, look at this fucking train of ugly people coming back to this dude. So, wow. Would you ever, would you explain to them what I'm trying to say?

Yeah, what Tony means is I hope you guys everything went okay in the bathroom and thanks for coming up. Is there like would your daughter ever go on like the biggest loser epilepsy edition? Oh, I would watch that. Watch it. Yeah, to the heaven. They don't have that now. They do have different cages around the city. Different cages? Yeah, just to lock them in. Yeah. No way. Is that true? That's just in true, though. It's

fucked. Yeah. Is it really? Yeah, they do. Yeah. A epileptic addiction. Well, then they'll crush the stuff. So they don't want them to hurt people. Wait, wait, wait, wait, are you being funny? Because we don't know. Because Canada's fucking crazy. Of course you would believe me. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Are you being funny? Because we don't know. Because Canada's fucking crazy. Of course you would believe me. No, there's no cages for the kids.

OK. Are they pushing any weird? Have they pushed any weird educational things on your kids that you've noticed? No, not. I mean, they don't really teach the autistic one much, but they just kind of change. You call her that, by the way?

Yeah, I have a champ. Chief, I call her chief because she's part native, so. Right. Okay. It's not racist, but yeah. After she has like a seizure, you ever tried spanking her? Like, like, you have to clean up like poo and pee usually. Oh, yeah.

Oh. Yeah, Red Band, you piece of shit. Yeah, there you go. Ha ha ha. How dare you. Go back to Epolem, he's real funny. Yeah, yeah, right band you piece of shit There you go back to epilepsy's real funny. Yeah, how dare you insult a fellow Pringle lover Joe fun times my friend you're walking out of here with a small joke book you earned it there you go Congratulations, you're getting a gel blaster as well. Gel blaster available in stores everywhere. Make sure your kids don't play with it. Joe.

Alright, I pre-pulled another name. Here we go. Mixed noise to your next comedian out of the bucket. It's Ridge Hershberger, everybody. Ridge Hershberger. You guys having fun out there? Oh shit. Mixed noise for Ridge Hershberger. You guys having fun out there? Oh shit, make some noise for Ridge Hershberger everyone. Howdy y'all. I made me the most Texan person you see tonight. Hello, about myself. I'm from Pennsylvania. I grew up on a farm and it was awesome, man. Me and my brother, we'd make up our own adventures.

Like we made a diving board in our pond. We made boats out of 55 gallon drums. We made love. The thing about farming is our entire livelihood depends on something we can't control. The Jews. The Jews control the weather. I'm reading about the Jews, reading minecalls. I'm kidding, it's the Bible.

Actually, I'm listening to the audio version because I'm still trying to learn how to read. And it's the King James version. So it's narrated by LeBron James. Great. Rich Hershberger with a fantastic set. Very fun. You've been on the show before, correct?

Correct, yeah. And it was a couple of years ago, right? Three years ago, yeah. Three years ago, I remember you. Yep. And I, I mean, that is just an incredible amount of growth that we're seeing there. This set obviously went a lot better than the last set. Am I correct?

Yeah, yeah, I just started then, yeah. Right, and here you are, three years into the game. Working beats, owning your own style, talking about yourself. I love the Texas, Pennsylvania start. You float the whole way through. It's incredible to see. Thank you. With a last name like...

Hershberg. How could you say anything anti-touch? I mean we will foreclose on your parents That's that's one of my questions you think I should lean into that You look a lot different now man like. Like since last time of year. I don't know where it's out. Good, good, good. Thank you. You look 20 years younger than a 26-year-old. It was up here earlier.

Oh. A red band reminded me of something. Were you the one that got the lap dance at the Paramount Theater? Was that you? Yeah, I did, yeah. Hell yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Look at that. How's life gone for you in the love department since then that's all right at that girl I actually I we talked a little bit and I asked you to do the zoo Okay Go on you see a bunch of Canadians wearing banana shirts there and She said she had a photo shoot. Yeah, right That's the guy that fucked her, by the way. Oh, yeah.

I told her to say that. No, get the fuck out of here. How are you doing in Austin in the dating scene now? Post photo shoot girl? Yeah, that's fine. Let's see. Let's see What when's the last time you got to take off those overall Show somebody three three four weeks ago. Okay, tell us about that. What happens? We're a guy like Ridge Hirschberger unstraps those two chest traps that you were underwear underneath those sometimes

Wow look at that. Incredible. Or maybe he keeps him on and just cuts to hold him. I don't know. Right. You know, that don't really do. I want you to move. I want to do that. My move.

My move is, hey, I want to get laid. So I'm going to go get drunk. This sounds bad. And then you just know. So I guess if the zoo doesn't work out, what's like Plan B? I don't. I like going two stepping. Going two stepping.

What's plan C? Take her to the farm. Your farm? Yeah. You still have a farm or your family? My family has a farm. Yeah, yeah, I was just here. We are.

Pennsylvania. What day, what day, what day, raise? We have dairy cows, 300 dairy cows. Yeah. That's a hard job. Not for me. Oh. I'm ahead. Are you giving out loans? Am I giving out loans? Yeah, that's that's a hard job not for me. Oh I'm ahead are you giving out loans my giving out loans. Yeah, we're actually looking to buy a farm. Yeah, I'm giving out loans I'm also giving out hair conditioner

Wait, is that not my hair? No, you fucking idiot. Of course it is You want him on your side. He controls the weather You want him on your side. He controls the weather. So 300 cows out there. Let's go back to your love life here. Three weeks ago, what do you do? You go to a bar? Yeah, go to a comic club hang out. And then you go up to a girl. What do you say? What's your opening line? Here, let's do a little, I love this. Here we go. Here's a little shake spirit art. I get a little like soft, jazzy music guys. Just a little like. Just a little. Yeah, there you go. We're out. We are out. We're at a comedy club. Adam Ray is a girl.

Hi, Tony said I could have another rum and diet. Thank you so much. Hey, what's up? You want me to pay for that? I'm sorry, what? You want me to pay for that? God, don't fucking yell at me. Jesus. Yeah, that'd be great.

Usually they come out to me, so you... Sorry, no, no, no. All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. Do you have any money? Yeah, lots. How much? I don't know. All right, hold on, hold on, hold on. Do you have any money? Yeah, lots. How much? I don't know. Anyways.

OK, it's seen. Well, very good at this. I'm not agree to you. That's OK. OK, well, tell us. I love life right now. There's a girl here. And she's a rich Hershberg.

It doesn't have the acting chops that we thought he might. So tell us what happened three weeks ago. We were getting drinks, we went to stepping and then we went back to her place. Because you don't have a place. I do, I have a place, I live with a people. He's one of those guys that lives with like 42 other comics. Is that true? No, I don't want to talk about this.

What's your living situation? I live with a gay couple and then another guy. Older guys are like 50 and over. Yeah. You live with a gay couple and another guy? Yeah. Do you think the gay couple says that they live with a gay couple and another guy? Yeah. Do you think the gay couple says that they live with a gay couple? Oh.

Ah. Ah. Ah. Where? Where? Where? Where? You're doing a gay couple thing

two stepping is gay. I haven't talked to them about it. They think it's cool. No, they don't. They think it's true, sir. You don't think gay people go to two stepping? No, no, no, they're more of a tango tape Take it from me. I would Show us a little two step. Yeah, let's see it. Can we play some two step music?

Oh my god, I think you just tied somebody up. Oh shit. That was the girl being like, okay, I'm not having fun anymore. What are you doing? Alright, alright, alright. Come on, it's cool. I live with a couple of gay guys. Come on over. Alright, Rich, so you go back to this girl's house, then what happens?

I take my boots off. Oh my god. Oh, wow. We're actually going step by step here That is indeed step two for the two step up Then we get her bed. Ah, and then we What about the overalls? We all want to know about the trademark overalls. Yeah, we did those come up Listen to all these horny women out here. This is unbelievable. I guess we're all wondering what's Farmer 4 play. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, you play with the rudder?

You play with the rudder a little bit? You ride around the tractor and it gets a little bouncy. I think it gets a bit slimmer. Oh, you're serious? Yeah. Yeah, now we come to the farmer 4 play. A little of this. Oh, gosh.

What was that? was that milk in a cow? Okay, let's talk real life rich what happens you go there you take off your boots and then what happens And then you get the bed and then you you have sex No, no, no, no, that's not the order of events. You're overalls are still on it Yeah, you take your own I don't think you want me it goes, I guess it would go boots and then a hat. Okay, then what? Then overalls. And then what?

Sure. You still have a, you can't. And then you hope it's erect by then. You still have your socks on? Oh, no, I forgot. You son of a bitch. Doesn't that supposed to make you last longer or something? I don't know, is it?

I've always asked people for special sexual tips or maneuvers. If you keeping your socks on makes you last longer, I'm interested. Is that a thing that you've heard before? Is that something you learned out on the farm? Yeah. I heard it from someone. At what point do you tag in your roommates? Yeah, I heard it from someone. And Rich, I'm sorry. At what point do you tag in your roommates?

Right at the beginning? Nice. Rich, back when you did the show, did we even giving out joke bucks? No, no. Well guess what, my friend. You're walking away with a big one here today. And Rich, I'd love to have you on next week's secret show. If you want next week name because I would know if I had seen this name before.

Makes some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket. We're gonna meet him all together. It's Tony Wellens, everybody. Tony Wellens. There we go. We're gonna keep it moving along. This is definitely a new name because I would know if I had seen this name before. Makes some noise for your next comedian out of the bucket, we're gonna meet them all together. It's Tony Wellens, everybody. Tony Wellens. There he goes. A new Tony, on Kiltzone.

Here he is, Tony Wellens, everyone. Mixed noise for Tony. These people wait all day for this. Yay! Me and my girlfriend recently broke up. I was sad, she was a squirter. I had no idea. That's just what another guy told me. And...

Psych bitch, I'll be making that pussy pop. Drop a row, motherfucker. I'll be in that pussy all night. God, I want to be black so bad. I... No, I'm just kidding. I do have a black brother-in-law, so basically what I'm saying is my sister is fat. And, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm Nipple piercing, it tastes like I was sucking on the end of like a AA battery. She was like, you turn on, like, I'm fucking charged up. That's for sure. I was like, you can jumpstart a car with these things, but I got damn power, a small vehicle in the city with these. But, God dang, Nipple nips over here, fucking generator jugs, all right?

No, I hate to, I hate to degrade her, I just think of her as body parts, but Nipple's was a really cool girl. And, uh... My sisters love to tell me that joke is misogynistic and I really hate that because I don't like it when they voice their opinions. Um... What a great set, Tony Wellens. An unbelievable 60 seconds. Welcome, Tony. This is your first time on the show, correct, Tony?

Yes, the first time How long you been to in standup about four years where you from Orlando? You still live in Orlando No, I just moved to your like two three days ago amazing. You know who Cam Patterson is. That's my cousin Oh Really dude, he called yeah, he was yeah, he was about it. We love Cam Patterson remember this rock He has a fucking he has a new rock every time I see him now I don't know when he fucking picked up that habit by the way, but yeah, it's pretty cool. It's cool Tell us about how camp what did cam tell you you were about to say something there

No, he just was he just called me all the times like you need to dress here. You need to come here all it's see What the first when he first got here? He hated it. He was like this sucks. It's terrible But then like three days later. He like, we need to move here. It's fucking, this is the greatest thing you've come here. He took him three days to make it. That's what happened. He was like, nothing's happening. He's playing sucks.

There's comedians everywhere. It was crazy. Yeah, it was just like, obviously now he's the fucking, he's him with the bro. He's the guy. Yeah, he is. He is the future. You're very funny yourself.

So four years in the game in Orlando You just moved here days ago. Yeah, how many days ago? Like Friday, so you basically also made it in three days here. You're here right now on the biggest show in the city Unbelievable The odds of being pulled out of the bucket near one in 200 and here was fucking crazy I was walking over to Creek and with my boy to sign up the open mic and I he popped out and I was like Tony Welles he's like yeah, and I was like holy shit. I do I fuck I manifested it to I was like this We believe in that shit around here. It's great. It's great. Absolutely. So Tony what do you do for a living in Orlando?

I used to hang like window coverings like blinds and shit. Okay hang blinds be careful de-madness That's fucking brilliant I'm trying to get I'm trying to get Joe Rogan to invest in In wires so that when I make a good joke I float up in the air like oh my god, that's a solid. I haven't asked him yet It's been a week about I'm going to be down. I'm going to Joe Shout out and tear specialties fuck you and tear especially fired me, but I don't say I'm glad they're what they have Wow, you just went back to the questions real quick, huh? I just want to say that I was talking about my

Specialties, okay. All right. Wow. Okay okay. You're really been holding on to the anger. You're talking about the blind hanging company? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What they fire you? I just missed a day or just a... No, that can't be it. What'd you do? I swear to God, I just missed a day.

They didn't turn a blind eye to that? Thank you. Thank you. Family union. No, they're good people, fuck them, whatever. You had two really, really funny jokes. Thank you, but can you two step? Can I two step? No, that the fact goes to the jokes.

Oh shit. Oh, hey, oh, he is Camp Patterson's cousin. I don't know what a two step is. It's all good. It's pretty close. Fresh off the boat. I throw up the gang signs just to do it. Yeah's all pretty close fresh off the boat. The gang sign just yeah, absolutely What do you do for fun Tony wellens?

I shoot like man in the street videos. I like to work out and that's really just comedy. That's about it What do you do on your man on the street videos? I get up in like Funny characters and shit. I do like a I kind of have like a character. That's like a black guy like hits on women I do like a kind of like a character that's like a black guy like hits on women. Oh This a black wait wait, let's improv redemption. Yeah, can I play the girl in the scene again? Absolutely here we go show We have a little what's the what's the scene? Jazz Club your black guy. I'm a girl is that what it is? Yes. Yeah, Jazz Club. Let's let's yeah, let's run it back All right. Here we go jazz club little light music not too loud so that we can hear the Actories here we are

Hey, um another rum and diet red bands that I get put it. Hey, what's going on Shady? It can I hold that you for a second? Oh great another black guy Yeah, what's up? I just want to say what's your name? I'm looking at you. I'm gonna call you McDonald's because I'm looking at you and I'm loving it this okay Hey listen listen listen, okay Seen wow Great job. Wow great job straight to an aggressive un lubricated hand job Great job. Straight to an aggressive, un-lubricated hand job. Yeah. I mean, that is that.

Oh, you saw that, huh? That's some by-space workers, bad. How long have you been doing Black Voice for? Maybe since I was like 12. Wow. All right, see. I don't do it. I grew up in the suburbs, bro.

Every white kid in the suburbs wants to be black. So it's like a kind of a fun thing. I like joke around But it's like we all they are really they listen to rap music They all want to be they think they're black if they listen to rap music. Why did I don't want to work? Keep on washing your hands. I don't know why I keep doing that. Sorry. It's just a visible That's a that's a don't you said that's a black people shit What else about you? What are some other? Oh shit?

Demand is releasing the ash Make that look like win LeBron. He looked like LeBron James before a game for it I'm kidding dear your hands are well-moist rise. He's not laughing. I know I know He's not laughing. I know I know God damn right, we love you do have you performed in Florida since you moved out here? Yeah, yeah a bunch wait No, since I moved out here like two days ago All right motherfucker. I'm just trying to make small talk sorry You should do black man voice back. Oh hell no bitch. I ever fucking talk to me again? Mother fuck. Wow. Cam.

Um, uh, wait, so have you got, but seriously? Okay, so two days ago, but where did you have a, do you have a home club in Florida? You said you started in Orlando, right? Yeah, shout out, Melchistra Comedy. Uh, me and Cam are always up in that spot. Or like the Orlando problems spots there too. To get the host or featured on there at all.

Yeah, you do it with it. Um, I hosted maybe about like three, they don't really show as much love as I want Like the only no problems spots are to get the host are featured on it all. Yeah, you did what? I hosted maybe like three they don't really show as much love as I want to for some of the home Well now you're here. Let's talk about your living situation. What is it like? Yeah, it's fucking just oh here. Yeah, it's disgusting. How discuss how many gay couples do you live? No? No gay couples, but I live in I two Asians. I've yet to meet them. No comment. But I don't even know why I brought the Asian shit in there. They're just the race shouldn't have anything to do with it.

It's just, I got a lot of Facebook. Yeah, totally. No, we don't see any. You got them off Facebook Marketplace? No, the place. I got the place off Facebook Marketplace. It's the wait. It's, hold on. What kind of what kind of Asians first of all? I've yet to meet them.

Wait, but I know just by talking on the phone to the Asian. Can you do? No, yeah, you have to do the voice. Oh, no, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, sorry. Sorry, you don't need to do that. You don't need to do that. Sorry, sorry. Sorry, sorry, sorry. You don't need to do that, you don't need to do that. Sorry, sorry. As soon as I thought I was like, don't say that, but then I'm gonna do that. Here's the deal. If you think you can do black voice, that means you can do Asian voice.

So Adam, you be him calling Facebook Marketplace. Can we get a little bit of Asian music? Hold on a second, can I get a little, I've never requested this before. Before we start the scene scene just a little bit of Deez perhaps you can cook something up there Oh, it's great red bands. Can you give me a phone? Hold on Deez is gonna get it with the professional musician All right, Tony right we're no longer in a jazz club your Tony wellens calling Facebook Marketplace you have a you have a phone

Bringing thing sound effects here. I got that. I know we got that Man these Asian motherfuckers got so many numbers I'm Tony Wellington Hello, oh hero Whoa whoa whoa whoa motherfucker. This sounds like a white guy pretend to be an Asian guy Who be this Would you like the room for 580 a month? I got I wrote wow turning the Dracula there

580 a month Fuck you I tried my, I tried my best! I tried my best! I tried my best! I was sucka, your soy sauce! I tried my hardest! It started out, you came in hot with the hero and then you used... I know, but that's...

You went full tree with Polo Hotel Transylvania after that! I know! You say hero, then you say goodbye! We have amazing paneer curry One curry two curry three curry So You want So How have you not seen them yet if you live with them? Are they perhaps wearing ninja suits on the ceiling?

I know so I got I did meet one that thought moved out But he he lives and like someone's living in the living room and then there's somebody living in the other room Wait, do you live with Hans Kim? Yeah, yeah. Are you sure they're not hiding behind like bushes or something in the house? Dude, no, I every time I go in there, there's no being there, but I can hear them. I've yet to come like at night, I'll hear them talking and you know, I have her how they... What are they saying?

What does it sound like? What does it sound like? What does it sound like through the walls? Through the walls. Through the walls. Come on. Hey, ready? I'll be you thinking.

I'll be your inner monologue and you'll be them talking. Ready? Yeah. Here we go. Man, what the fuck are these Asians talking about right now? Ha ha, ma'am. I'm just trying to be Tony Wellington in my apartment. Let me put my ear to the wall real quick.

Yo shimera ga toyo somata ya karma. That was pretty good. That was okay. Tony, I gotta tell you man, three days in Austin, Texas, you just fucking did it, dude. Very funny, very present. Don't, don't make it. Red Band's gonna book you. I would love to have you next week at the Secret Show at sunset. Please, please. Hold on. Peace out.

Hold on, hold on, go back there. Adam Ray. And yo, I'm gonna be at the Dania improv in two weeks. You wanna come future for me, I'll fly out. Fuck yes. Yeah, let's go back fuck yes wow that's you that's amazing stay right there ladies and gentlemen rich boss and we just bought a new house you

want to help me move Hey yo suck my dick bitch. Oh! Tony here's a big joke bug. Give me a bonus. Here he goes. The Kill Tony Day view of Tony Wellens, ladies and gentlemen, makes some noise for him everybody. Tony underscore Wellens. And let me tell you something. Opening for a real headliner on the road.

Those are going to be amazing sold out shows at the Dania Beach Improv. When is that? July 14 through the 16th. July 14 through the 16th is a really big deal. Adam, every time he's on the show, gives away amazing gifts and stuff to his favorite comedians. How about a fucking hand for Adam Ray? It's amazing.

I love the show. Put a guy up in a hotel that was sleeping in his car last time here. I think he still has the job too, right? Yeah, he's got a job right next door. Now here's the one caveat that Tony doesn't know. I'm going to make him do his entire set in an Asian accent. Yeah.

We'll be right back. Well, I probably won't. We are deep into this episode and we've not had a female comedian up tonight So what I did I went through the bucket and it took me a while This is a heavily very very real sausage stew in this bucket tonight But I was able to find a female comedian. Hopefully this is a female comedian We're gonna we're gonna fingers crossed here. Make some noise for Ellie in space, everybody.

Here you go, Ellie in space. Balancing the scales of equality. All right, Ellie in space. Oh, you son of a bitch. Wow, great shit. Are you son of a bitch? I tell these guys, there's one fucking rule. Ashtalt, you can't help yourself. Guys, complete reset.

One more time, make some noise, play a couple notes. This is Ellie in space, everybody. Hey guys, so I hate the phrase break a leg. I moved here a few months ago and I did exactly that. I actually broke my femur, had to have surgery and put a rod in my leg. And then my felon boyfriend dumped me. He said that he'd never date a disabled girl. But you know who would?

The internet. I put photos of me in a walker and people were sipping left and right. I had no idea that my rod could give you a rod in your pants. But yeah, we broke up and you know, I had a handicap too with him. I didn't mind that he was a felon, but he had a tattoo of his ex's face on his stomach. So every time we fucked, it was like a threesome I didn't want to be in. Anyway, I hope he's not watching this,

but I do hope that I'd broken a leg here on Killtoni. Woo! Woo! I'm very new to stand up, I should say. There you go, Ellie in space, everybody. Wow, this is like a woody, gave guys woodies. This is incredible. I love it.

Ellie in space, how long you been doing stand up? This is like my tenth time. Tenth time ever. Were all of these other times in Austin? Most of them, yeah. I moved to your February. Portland. You're used to being the news industry for seven or eight years

Wait, what? How did you know this? Okay, stop being fucking creepy and answer the question I'm a genius psychic genius. No, I saw a video that of you that you interview people How did you see this video red bit? There's like a reddit thing I think is this trail? Reddit of like I was on a youtubers is he be is he correct? I'm a full-time youtuber now I quit my job in TV news to be a full-time youtuber. How do you find just random stupid shit like that when you have so much work That you wait till Sunday afternoon to do toilet in the iPhone man

This guy waits until Monday morning to edit Killtonia episodes. Meanwhile, he's looking at dumbass videos of Ellie and Space. I love it. I guess I have reached on the internet. It's working. Were you in the morning news? I was more of the late night news, so the really depressing shit. Yeah.

Like, how did you know that part? She... I saw a video of her and she... How many videos did you see just one and she interviewed people trying to go up on Killtony and then I was like who is this girl and I went on her Instagram and it shows that she used to be in the news and I just happened to look at it like last night when I was on the toilet. It's a spell. Well, that must have been a long view. Yeah, I was like, oh shit, we sit out there for hours.

We got to do something. How long have you been signing up for the show? This is my third time's a charm. This is literally my third week in a row. And I almost fainted when I got picked. Incredible. Do you have epilepsy? It's a joke from earlier.

Why do you call yourself Ellie in space? Did you say Ellie familiar? Oh. No, and I also said 40 earlier, not 14. Ellie in space is my YouTube channel. I covered Tesla and SpaceX news full time. So I actually moved here because I covered it. Did I make fun of you in the little room?

Did you like cowboy head crutches? And I said, and I said, look at that cowboy hat, I bet you just moved here and you did. And you were in the crowd went wild. Yeah, they did. And then I kept just kept killing before and after that. You killed. All right. So did the guy really break up with you? Dude, he did. And that guy that you were with. Yeah, and now he's trying to get back with me They always come back. Oh wait a second. Okay. So how long ago did he break up with you? The day after my birthday Literally, what the fuck? Not all of us have stalked you like Red Band can you tell us when your birthday was Red Band? Should I ask you?

much 25 I only looked at one video I Swap Fucking creep is what I did I only looked at one video. I swear. They're fucking creepers, oh, dude. You're acting the Portland news for seven years. It wasn't actually a broken leg. It was a torn fibio. I'm sorry.

You got that cowboy hat from Alan's on Congress on June 3rd. I'll show you where she sleeps tonight at 11. Yeah. The new, uh, you just got new throw pillows for your red mattress March 24th so March 20th. Wait, did I just guess that? Well, no, I didn't can you Close bend down and touch your shoes again rich no stop Jesus Christ I'm a I'm a I'm a I'm in a creep sandwich made with creepy bread right now. Well you two fucking relax Jesus fucking

How's your credit red bed red bands like rich if you want to see a bend over look at video number 38 on a YouTube channel I have great credit you guys are Fager was less than four months ago guys. This is kind of hardcore. Oh, yeah, that's pretty cool Can I ask how the guys trying to get you back? Like what are the lines to use a Thornetia or just a lot of cars? I ran because I was falling in love with you babe Wow Hospital I whispered I was falling in love with you. You still fucking left Why did he what did he how did he break up with you? That's the bad day after my birth

But I mean how did he say it? Hey, he gave me a damn pedicure and the day after he came over and he's like, I just I want to be more selfish with my time I can't do this anymore Wow So he found he's like so how's how's it going? That's Austin, Texas free He found a little hoe then he got fucking an STD and now he's cunt crawling back. That's what happens No! Are those dummy bear boots? Okay red band shut the fuck up Fucking disgusting fucking idiot. It's a comedy show, you fucking retard.

Anyway. So when the guy... Oh, I'm on. White, when you said no, how do you know what he did after he broke up with you? How do I know what? How do you know he didn't hook up with some random Austin hoe and get an STD and then come crawling back?

Hey, what idea! I don't... Should we call him? We have a phone unlocker handy right now. We have a phone unlocker handy right now. Are you guys chanting Jerry right now? This fucking place is crazy. Did the Australians start this chant? Oh, no.

Jerry. When you say dude, hold on. Ellie in space over here. When you say dude, why do you look so concerned right now? Oh, what is? Do you have your phone on you? No. We have it in the back and you bring it up.

Oh, we got it right here. Here we go. Cool. Yes, we have it in the back and you bring it up. Oh, we got it right here. We go real. Yes, we are Talk about my channel or something no not at all Not for a fucking second no one wants to talk about your channel that has one view that keeps coming from Flugerville I used to VPN it's from Germany. I... I fucking hope RedBand phones rings.

What... ... ... ...So does RedBand! There you go. Wait, am I supposed to call it? Hold on. Let's explain the rules here a little bit. Let's just take a beat here, Ellie, in space.

So here's what's going to happen here. When I say go, you hit his contact, you hit the call button button you put it on speaker phone and then you take the bottom of the phone and you put it Directly against the microphone and then I will speak for you You're in good hands. We've been doing this for 10 years It's not the beginning of our YouTube channel Ellie All right, you ready? I was born ready. Dude, this is bad.

No, no, no, no, the tip. Which is name again? What's his name? Justin. Hello. Justin, it's Tony with Kill Tony. Justin Justin it's Tony with Kill Tony. Hello, how are you? Hello Justin Justin can you hear me? Yeah

Justin I'm here with Ellie and you came up you You remember seeing me absolutely destroy it the mother ship one night? Man, I didn't see you do shit, but uh... Wait, he wasn't with you? Oh, that wasn't the guy that was with you. Okay, well, there was some other guy. Okay, Justin, I may be getting Ellie in trouble right now. Uh, so let's talk about... He's a little louder. Speak with the chest.

I got you. No, Justin. It's OK. Oh, yeah. It's OK. Unlike you, I could fuck Ellie if I wanted to right now. So Justin, we're here and I'm trying to talk Ellie into getting back with you. We know that you want Ellie back. She looks absolutely stunning.

You're missing out on an incredible, incredible opportunity here. We're hoping that you will give it one more pitch here in front of over one million viewers around the globe. Can you tell Ellie how badly you want her back right now? Speak with your chest. It's very interesting that all this is happening right now. I was writing a poem earlier about just like Yeah, you know like the things we share in common and it feels like we're partners But and then there's just that empty void of feeling alone and you know I Just you know my other girls, and I feel like you know it sucks to be single like you know I want to be with this chick and she doesn't want it It sucks

Justin this sounds amazing. Do you have the poem near you right now? Can you read it? Bobby I'm fucking half asleep bro. I'm not opening up my laptop and saying this for all you Po-oom, Po-oom, Po-oom, Po-oom, Po-oom, Po-oom, Po-oom, Po-oom, Po-oom. Alright, these people want the Po-oom. Come on, we know you're half asleep. This is how it happens sometimes. Life hits you in mysterious ways, at mysterious times. I'm trying to speak with my chest right now so that you understand me. How far are you from your laptop? I know what it's like being single my laptops usually right next to me How far is your laptop Justin In a world, one man wanted to get one girl back. All he had was a laptop and his thoughts. He broke up after her birthday like a fucking coxucker.

But now he's back for redemption on one lonely Monday night. Justin take it away with the poem to save your relationship. Some scars never heal. This summer we present Break a Leg. Present. Break a leg. Alright, let's lower the emotional strings. Justin, do you have the poem near you? No, I'm debon like the Alma Poole. Oh, sure. Justin, you're being booed right now. I'm telling you, you still have a chance with Ellie. She is surrounded by superstars.

The guy right next to her is in the new Barbie movie. He has an unbelievable podcast called about last night. She's also only feet away from richboss.com, whose new special is coming out in mere months. She's sitting in front of five touring musicians. Two of them are blind black men. That can smell her sweetness. That is true.

He has a Jew nose, Justin. Be careful. He can smell her sweetness. I'd like to apologize to the Jews for this entire episode. You're fine. You're fine. You're fine. OK, fine. You're fine. Okay, Justin if you're not gonna read the poem can you at least give one last pitch to Ellie? She's standing here. She's beautiful. She's stunning. I like what you said earlier

We don't really believe that you wrote a poem that you're afraid to go get the laptop with so final words Justin one final pitch she seems seems like she really, really likes you. Yeah, I mean, Ellie, you know, you run around and you're seeing all these people. And I hope you can see how much different I am with you. And you know, just the quality time we have together, it seems like we can always just be in the moment. It seems like everything we do is sincere.

I mean, there's not too many people that I can just go around and dance with, go work out with, be food with, just be in silent, paint with, and all those things are really beautiful. It's it's hard to find that and I think I got a real partner. So I hope you appreciate that. Wow, that's a good one. You got the crowd back on your side. Oh, wait, no, it's a little bit split. The angry center of the room is turning against you, Justin. Oh, this is real life chaos here. Mercedes is saying no, her vote counts for 30 people,

nor 30 normal humans. Get out, get out. Wait, there's a man now starting a kick him out, Chan. Okay, everybody relax. The Saudi Arabian is actually bending over this time. It's incredible. This is incredible. I mean, at a 90 degree angle, by the way, that is incredible.

He's, it looks like he's trying to get into the Boston marathon right now. It's unbelievable. Ellie, let me ask you while Justin's there and listening, how did that pitch make you feel? You get to talk to a lot of Austin guys. There's a lot of guys. Texas oil money. You're next to superstars and artists and a bunch of other fucking horny tourists. How does Justin's pitch do you make you feel? of other fucking horny tourists. How does Justin's pitch do you make you feel? I just told him that I need time because you already were,

you ran away when you started feeling things for me. He ran away from his feelings. A day after your birthday. Now that's food for thought. So. Now that's food for thought. Now Justin, I guess one thing that I didn't ask you that I think the world wants to know right now, what made you break up with her the day after her birthday when she had a broken leg? birthday when she had a broken leg. Yeah man, I just had a lot of anxiety building up.

I'm kind of like not used to being out. I don't know if she knows you, but I shot the fuck up. I'm sorry, Justin. I was telling some idiot, shut the fuck up. Not you. Keep going. What do you mean, what's going on? Thanks for coming out, dude. Yeah, I'm Mike. I just can't really relate to getting back into the world and feeling like being around a woman and a dad,

loving and relationships that I was in for a long time. I was just kind of self-informed. With this lovely woman, it was a lot, you know, it was a lot taken care of her. It was a lot of relationship, supporting her and feeding her and all that shit. It was fucking makes me so proud. Hey, Justin, do you have a van? All right.

Justin, Justin, do you have any plans to come back to Austin, Texas anytime soon? I'm here enough. He lives here. Oh, he lives here? I moved here. I met him on a, on a bumble date and I flew back out here to visit him for a week and I thought, you know. So you basically came here and stayed here because of him?

Not because of him but it was an exciting component of that. It was a 16 hour drive and it was rainy when she left it. It was actually misty, misty. Is this real from your YouTube channel? I don't know, dude, how deep did you go? Oh, my God. How? How deep?

You're dumb. How deep? This is the most red man shit I've ever seen happen on this show in my entire fucking life. This is who he is, by the way. It's not a character. Okay, let me tell you this. Justin, are you still there? Here's what I'm going to do. Because you're a hero, you put yourself out there, you could have easily have hung up. I'm going to, with my little bit of influence and power, I am

going to convince Ellie to at least go to dinner with you that I'm going to take care of it. One of my favorite restaurants in the city, and I'm going to pick up the bill, and that's the minimum that I'm going to pick up the bill and that's the minimum that I'm going to do. Ellie, do you agree to go to dinner with them? Okay. All right. Justin, are you going to go to dinner with Ellie? Yeah, I appreciate you looking out like that, Tony. You got it, buddy. There you go.

I'm going to take care of dinner. I'm not going to name the restaurant because I don't want you freaks to know where I like to go get steak sad, but. And just like that, she avoided Red Band once again. How could you next time? Thank you Justin, you're a good sport. Enjoy dinner with Ali, there you go. Just in everybody. You can hang out now.

Ali, if you can't make that dinner, I'll go with Josh. Rich Voss, once again, proving that he's too much. I'll cook for you. He's like, can I have the dinner by myself? Ellie, you're a great sport. You played along very well. Ten spots on stage. I don't really know you know

It's very very tough this whole this whole fucking game of stand-up comedy But I am for having such a great interview. I'm gonna give you a big joke book and I'm gonna pick up that tab He left after her birthday And now Tony's gonna take him for food No, I'm not taking him for food I'm just paying the bill, I'm gonna prepay the bill That was super nice of you There's a spending limit, I should say there's a spending limit

There's a 28 dollar maximum No, no, it's not rich picking up the tab it's me picking up the tab I'm gonna set it like what we both don't drink so it'll be a cheap bill it's a pretty it's a pretty good pretty good steakhouse I'm taking too it just to appetizers please and get a water to go. Otherwise, if you don't put out, he's gonna leave. On your birthday again. And break the other leg!

Congratulations! Oh, Ellie has something she wants to say. Maybe she's going to ask Red Band to dinner instead. You said if I didn't put out, he would leave, but I had sex the second day I was home from the hospital because I was scared he would leave. With a broken ass fucking life. You thank you for your service! You're an American treasure! X is the ba-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a here. So make sure you ask for Yoni or Christy when after the date and then we'll get you

up here for a new minute and an update on all of it. And have your guy bring the poem. Yeah, take a photo of the poem. Yeah, take a photo of the poem for us. We're definitely going to need that. All right. How about one more time for Ellie in space everybody. That's our YouTube channel so all you horngogs out there go fucking watch your YouTube. Well that's so fucking weird it's I literally just watched in her video I don't know. You are a creeper Zoe. Red band wash your keyboard please. It makes me wonder, it makes me wonder how many women I could have pulled out of the bucket where you're like,

ah, I know you, no need for an interview Tony. I've got us covered. There's only one way to end an episode like this ladies and gentlemen. I almost forgot how exciting our ribbons on our gifts here on Killtony are. Ladies and gentlemen, your final comedian of the night has the all-time record for appearances on Killtony. The all-time record for most new minutes, he is the only living member of the Killtony Hall of Fame. Make some noise for the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine, the vanilla gorilla, William Montgomery everybody! First of holy shit that dudes poems suck. Okay, since it's July 4th tomorrow, I'd like to just do the pledge allegiance so here.

I pledge allegiance to Red Band's mom, even if I can't always get a hold of her and on that night when we had sex at Denny's under a table and toxicated with liberty and justice for all That took me like five hours comparing it with the actual fucking pledge of allegiance. Okay fucking pledge of allegiance. Okay. Make sure your Uber driver is obese because you know his ass got the AC cranked up! And it's been hot as SHOOT! Former NFL quarterback Ryan Mallet drowned in Panama City Beach after being pulled out into the ocean by a rip tide.

And this whole time I thought he told other people to go deep. The Supreme Court just ended affirmative action with which really sucks because I was so close to playing in the NBA Y'all know I was gonna be playing for the Dallas bathroom. I Love Mark Cuban Okay, that's my time The great the powerful the big red machine William lights out Montgomery How do you feel about that set, William?

Feel pretty good, but Tony, all I honestly can feel right now is I have the worst hemorrhoid. I swear to God, it's like the size of a golf ball. In my butthole, I spread my cheeks earlier in the mirror in the bathroom finally to just see what I was working with. And I swear to God, it looked just like an open predator's mouth. Oh.

My butthole. Yeah, I mean it looks like I have two buttholes. Anybody else got two buttholes out in the crew? Well. Okay a couple people. Yeah, it looks just like I have two buttholes. But yeah, I swear to God, Tony, it looks like the predator's mouth. I don't know what the predator's mouth looks like. It's like picture. I'm spreading it apart and it kind of ends up It looks like a swollen vagina or something like that

Not seeing a more like a trapezoid kind of it looks like too triangle It looks like an hourglass kind of cuz the just get a sewing needle Tony wise hill he's still in the fucking show Seriously what's going on? He's a ratings disaster. Did you see how he fucking creepy with that bitch? He was just up here I mean he's creepy with all the bitches dude. Oh He's gonna get in fucking trouble! No, I have some inside information.

He's literally gonna get in trouble soon. Creepy with all the bitches. William has said here. Yeah, I have the receipts. This is really weird deal. I mean, who's talk? I'm not gonna get into it. All right, he will describe what his butthole looks like, but he will not give out the info

on Red Band. He will talk about his brown band, but not his sweet red band. Don't call out your mom right now, dude. Oh my goodness. Huh? Wow. Literally, the only thing I can feel is that dang my butthole right now. And you're really coming at me like that

You piece of so hold on let's stop the red band thing for a second here Let's get back to this is this real this thing in your butthole or is this one? It really came out again I didn't shit for two days and then when I did it fucking it happened I don't know what's going on I've been putting extra fiber in my midnight oats. What's it called? Midnight oats? No, overnight oats.

I've been midnight oats. Not midnight oats. I've been burning the midnight oats. Yeah. No, my overnight oats. I've been putting a bunch of fiber in there, but it's not working, Tony. I'm backed up right now.

I wrote up, I don't even. What are you voting for? I know. You know. Small talk. Yeah. RFK. Small talk. Yeah. Oh, ref, gang!

Oh, right. Wow. A lot of chance here tonight. How do you, have you had a head, hemorrhoid before? Yes, I had a head, one or two this past year. I could. I wrote you a poem about it. What is it?

Fuck off. Rose is it? Fuck off. Roses and red. Fuck the red band that way. Apologize. What, me? Fuck off. What the fuck are you? Apologize to Mr. Red Band.

I literally have something the size of a golf ball in my ass all right now. Don't come at me, you piece of shit. William gets a little feisty with the guests sometimes. That's all right now. Don't come at me, you piece of shit. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. William gets a little feisty with the guests sometimes. I know. His name is like, can you show us the hemorrhoid? Is that acceptable? Orpilar will blur it out.

You wanna see it? Oh. I was actually showing people earlier. I posted it on Instagram, but Instagram took the post down. Oh, wow. Yeah, it was just a violated community guidelines. Community guidelines, that's what they hid me with.

Oh my goodness. Wow, this is incredible. So what does a hemorrhoid, what do you have to do now? You just waited out? I don't know anything about this. Yeah, I'm waiting it out. It was getting better, and then I ate a couple boxes of macaroni and cheese the other night craft brand Really

I yeah, and then I think that is what stopped me up But yeah, I mean it got better now. It's worse ago You ate two boxes of macaroni and cheese in one sitting. Yes I've been doing a bunch of sit-ups. I've started doing a bunch of sit-ups recently and they just make me so hungry So I so you did a bunch of sit-ups and then you just make me so hungry so I'm so you did a bunch of sit-ups and then you ate two boxes of craft macronymies. Two boxes of craft and I started making my midnight oh shit. Oh I think that was a movie we did one time when we work on what was midnight oats about Adam Gosh it can we get some can we get some cinematic music?

He's got it. Yeah, he's got that. I think that was actually the thing about red band kind of getting on these 15 year old girls on the internet All right William Adam is going to describe the movie that this summer One man one hemorrhoid Two boxes of craft mac and cheese I'm hungry to not He had worked up the appetite of a lifetime doing 16 sit-ups Made it to 16 trying to get to 20 next week

He made it to 16 trying to get to 20 next week. He had a goal to play for Mark Cuban and the Dallas Mavericks. But that could only be achieved if he could get his midnight oats ready before 6am. It's impossible I make him at 8am. He had a hemorrhoid the size of Red Band search history in his asshole. And there was only one way to get it out. The jaws of life. He called his gay friend Brad, the jaws of life. He literally sucked out my last ever way.

This film is not yet been rated. Charlie Starrin, Ben Kingsley, and Interducing, fucking... Till the Swinton. As the jaws of life. Featuring Robin William. Oh my God. As Tilda Swinton. Robin Williams has Tilda Swinton. And Hans Kim as the Asian neighbor who couldn't believe the size of that hemorrhoid. He couldn't believe it the night he saw it through

them. Yeah, but what did Hans Kim say when he saw the hemorrhoid will you? Holy shoo! That's a big ass humor! Tony who does the black voices from earlier is gonna do the voice of Hans Kim in this movie. You know I'm gonna do Hans Kim's voice. You know I'm gonna do Oscars, boy. What- what do you- my gummerty stars in? Midnight.

I am... No idea! I have no idea how this show is so successful. It blows my mind. I was hoping we could call Justin back and get him to do a Toyota Swinton in brushing. Alright that was great. Come on man I'm half asleep right now dude. Who the fuck is still the Swinton? William you are. I don't know how you do it every week, but you keep filling our souls with your sweet, sweet midnight oats. And it's a pleasure to seriously pray for my hemorrhoid, though. I'm not kidding. I'm currently squeezing my butt cheeks right now. It makes the weirdness feel like I'll show you after the show turn. I actually do one crazy looking. I swear to God it looks like I have two but holes right now I don't know if I do you sure it's not a tumor Oh, you just had cancer

Did you not know I just literally had skin cancer cut off my fucking neck? You really did terminal In addition Three weeks three weeks to live for live. How does that make you free weight? They gave you three weeks to live with skin cancer? Three weeks, Ella! You told me last week that they took it off. Yeah, they took it off, but what they found didn't look good. It's terminal.

Three weeks to live. Three weeks to live. You've seen totally fine. I've been making my peace. You know. Slowly but surely I've been making my midnight oats, making my peace. I've been calling people on the phone. Who have you been calling?

My old gym teacher, coach Rogers. I mean, coach Rogers and I used to fucking beat people up in the locker room. So yeah, coach Rogers. I mean, he was the first person I called. This is incredible to find out that you have three weeks to live. You were the first, it's sad Tony.

That may have coach Rogers on the line, is this something he wants to say. Hey, hey, Will, this is Coach Rogers. I'm in the middle of the big game. What's happening? You're not eating mac and cheese with that big hand-moored, are you? Coach, I am and Coach Rogers, I know we haven't spoken in a while, but yeah Well, you hit me up on Facebook messenger from time to time. Sorry, don't respond. Man, that wasn't me

My bad I I don't have a good diagnosis. I mean, it was a, it's a hard, I have three weeks left to live. Sorry, it's a seven-litre stretch. You don't have that full coach, idiot. That's baseball shit. Sorry, it's baseball football.

Wait, what's going on with diagnosis? What are you talking about? I'm in a bowling alley. You're in a who? A bowling alley. I can't hear you We're playing boxing now. We're playing. Sorry. I will I work in a YMCA. I should have mentioned that You still work at the YMCA. Yeah, it's been a tough year. I got COVID

Sorry, I'm getting my ass kicked now. Fuck you. I have a whistle, too And I just someone put a spell on my I have a whistle too. Go! Wait, wait, what's up with your skin cancer? Go! What? Three weeks! Tell what! To live! Go! You said the 20th.

Yeah, what is going on here? It's the wave, William! I'm in a drive-by with Cam! Sorry, one second. I'm in a drive-by with Cam. I'm in a drive-by with Cam. Sorry, one second. on here? It's the wave, William. I said, get it down! I said, get it down!

I'm in a drive-by with Cam. Sorry, one second. Stop! OK, sorry. What's up? Yeah, I've three weeks left to live. Perfect time. I'm going to die in three weeks.

Oh, well, nicely here for you, bud. Yeah, nicely here for you, too. That's a good one. Sorry, there nice to hear from you, bud. Yeah, nice to hear from you too There's a horse Yeah, I'm sure it's your doom I put 60 bucks on William skin cancer Shiver me timbers. Well, you would have made 120 Another spell god damn it Sorry, I also work at Harry Potter summer camp. Now there's some hours doing mine. And that was Red Band coming to a YouTube video of a news reporter. Too much fun, make some fucking noise for the great William Montgomery everybody.

And how about one more time for the amazing Adam Ray and Rich Boss everyone. I mean, I knew we were gonna have fucking fun tonight. We did it again. Thank you to Gelbaster Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Austin Security Guard Service, Connect Mobile Health, Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey, number one, Takeela. How about one more time for the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey

band, everyone. Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Deamer on the horns, D-Metness on the bass guitar, John Dees on the keys on the great mat, Mewling on the drums, Paul Deamer, on the horns, D-Mateness on the bass guitar, John Dees on the keys, on the great Matt Mewling on the electric guitar. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in, a Madame Raine Rich boss that pops up on your YouTube right now, and here's a drawing from local artist, Chris Rogers.

It is of the Kilt Tony Golden Ticket winner, Jared Nathan, everyone. A lot of fun stuff happening. Still a few tickets available for the big New Year's Eve show. Some big announcements coming around very soon to go around that weekend. A lot of fun stuff happening. New Year's Eve here in Austin, Texas. For those of you listening around the world, this is your chance to be here to soak in Austin What I truly believe is the greatest city in the world right now and

Yeah, we love you guys. Thank you so much for coming out everybody red band check out the secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club Sunset strip at x.com. I love you. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night everybody. Thank you. Thank you. I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm going to do it. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

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