KILL TONY - #621 - DON BARRIS

Episode Date: August 1, 2023

Don Barris, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/10/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—HELLOFRESH.COM – Go to HELLOFRESH.COM/TONY16 and use code “tony50” for 50% off, plus free shipping!—CONZURI – On top of 30% off the site, our listeners get an extra exclusive 15% Off Discount at conzuri.com—MAGBREAKTHROUGH.COM/KILLTONY – PROMO CODE “TONY”

Hey, this is RedBan and you are listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. If you want to check out our merch, go to shop squad.tv for Desquad merch and tour dates or go to Kill Merch for all the Kill Tony merch, including posters, hats, shirts and hoodies, Kill Merch.com. ToneHinchCliff.com is on a huge tour right now, so check out his website to find more information that's ToneHinchCliff.com. I have a brand new comedy club.

It's next door to the mothership. It's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club, you can check out my secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip, or go to sunsetstripatx.com for more information. And now, here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey, all where it's 75% of the tickets sold for the HEB Center New Year's Eve

Austin, Texas. A lot of shows happening that weekend come visit Austin, Texas, the live music capital of the world and the new comedy capital of the world. New Year's Eve, HB Center, last chance for tickets. Ticketmaster.com. Kill merch is absolutely killing it. We have new drops coming and everything else is absolutely thriving there I mean it's just unbelievable. We've sold out and we are refreshing on everything the store is an absolute wild success From stickers to tickers to old American pickers. Well, the Lord only knows what you will find at killmerch.com Right now American Pickers. Well, the Lord only knows what you will find at Killmurch.com right now. And yes, I got the news, yes, that this go tape And they got you all in check And there's a break your fucking hands in the disrespect

And I got you all in check Check, check, check, check Hi, my baby Hi, my baby Hi, my baby Hi, my baby Hi, my baby Hi, my baby

Hi, my baby Hi, my baby Hi, my baby Hey, this is Rebinc, coming to your live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony Hitchclair! Who's ready to fuck some shit up tonight, huh? EAB, mix them in with red band everybody. This is it, you're at the number one live podcast in the mother fucking world. Brought to you by gelblaster, the red rose, yellow rose, Austin security guard service,

screw ball, peanut butter whiskey, and unbelievable new sponsor, IV drips. You can go to, if you're coming here to visit, use the promo code KIL10 at the one and only C-M-H-U-S.com. Connect mobile health, an amazing local company here in Austin, Texas. How about one more time for the Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey Band everybody! Holy shit! It's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns. Dave Sheer joining us tonight on the electric guitar. And this right here is the great and powerful de-madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Live in the flesh here, yet again, lots of good times times ahead before we start tonight's episode Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible for you here right now Hey all it's official. It's announced. It's out there my largest stand-up tour of my entire life Oh the biggest theaters in all my favorite cities. Toronto, Canada, Royal Oak, Michigan, San Antonio, Texas, Chicago, Illinois, Charlotte, North Carolina, Atlanta, Georgia, Columbus, Ohio, Kansas City, Missouri, Indianapolis, Indiana, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Tyson's Virginia, just outside of DC. Milwaukee, Wisconsin, Minneapolis, Minnesota, youngstown, Ohio. Cincinnati, Ohio, San Francisco, California, Sacramento, California, San Diego, California,

Phoenix, Arizona, New York, New York, Clear, Water, Florida, and Jacksonville, Florida. Tickets available at TonyHingeClip.com. Come see the crazy Texas fucking standup that I've been working on. You're not going to believe it. Let's have some fun. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club, owned by Brian Redvan, is in downtown Austin, Texas. Check out the secret show every Thursday. All shows can be found at SunsetStripATX.com. Hey y'all, if you're hiring, you know that it's incredibly hard to attract top talent.

With the current labor market conditions, it's even harder than ever. That's why you want a partner who gets it. Zipper Cruder. Zipper Cruder knows how tough it is right now, but they've figured out solutions for the problems that you're facing. See for yourself right now. You could try them for free at zippercrooter.com slash killtony or

Edban Zippercrooter is ready to tackle your recruiting challenges to reach more of the right people Zippercrooter post your job to a hundred plus job sites need to hire a sap Zippercrooter smart technology finds great matches for your job sooner what dibs on talent Zippercrooter lets you invite the most qualified people to matches for your job sooner. What dibs on talent, zipper critter lets you invite the most qualified people to apply for your job. Zipper critter's pricing is straightforward,

no surprises or costs. That's right, no doubt about it. Team up with a hiring partner who understands what you need. Zipper Cruder, four out of five employers who posed on zipper critter, get a quality candidate within the first day. So just go to this exclusive web address

to try zipper cruder for free zipper cruder.com slash Kiltoni, again that zipper cruder.com slash K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y because zipper cruder, the smartest way to hire. Hey everybody, this summer HelloFresh can help you be well and eat well with recipes like delicious balsamic rosemary chicken, which I recently enjoyed, get 50% off, plus free shipping with code Tony50 at hellofresh.com slash Tony50. Gentlemen, have you ever wished that you were a little bit taller, maybe you've matched on Tinder, but her profile says must be over six foot, maybe your date wants to wear high heels,

but you can't because that'll make her taller than you. Well, we got the short kings covered with today's sponsor, Conzeri. Conzeri makes shoes that will make you look up to 2.8 inches taller without anyone knowing. Look, girls get heels, make up and push up bras. Why can't men get a boosting confidence too? We're all the same, height lying down. Anyway, if you know what I mean.

For a limited time, only our listeners can get an extra 15% off your order with the code killtony at conserie.com. The site is already 30% off. And with our code, you can get an extra 15%. That's 45% off your entire order. Support the show and check them out at conzuri.com and use the code killtony. You know, Tony, one time I went on a date

and I had no idea, like I'm 5'8. I'm pretty average height. I didn no idea like I'm 5-8. I'm I'm I'm I'm pretty average height I didn't know the girl was 6-5. It was so uncomfortable and embarrassing damn But luckily it didn't work out because that would never have worked out unless I had these shoes Conzeri.com use the code kill Tony now Did you know that there is one phase of sleep that almost everyone fails to get enough of? And this one phase of sleep is responsible for most of your body's daily rejuvenation, repair, controlling hunger, weight loss hormones, boosting energy, and much more. I'm talking about deep sleep.

And if you don't get enough, you'll probably always struggle with cravings, slow metabolism, premature aging, or even worse conditions. Why don't most people get enough of this number one most important phase of sleep? A big reason is magnesium deficiency because over 80% of the population is deficient in magnesium. Red band, you know all about this. Yeah, because magnesium increases GABA, G-A-B-A, which encourages relaxation on a cellular level, which is critical for sleep. Magnesium also plays a key role in regulating your body's stress response system.

Those with magnesium deficiencies usually have higher anxiety and stress levels, which negatively impacts sleep as well. Now before you go out and buy magnesium supplements, it's important to understand that most products out there only have one to two forms of magnesium, and the reality is your body needs all seven forms of essential sleep mineral. That's why we recommend magnesium breakthrough. Magnesium breakthrough contains all seven of those magnesium's designed to help calm your mind and body

and help you fall asleep. Stay asleep and wake up or fresh. The deep sleep benefits are really noticeable. Visit magbreakthrough.com slash killtonian order now. Use the promo code toning because there's always amazing gifts with purchase. That's why I always love shopping at bio optimizers. Now go to magbreakthrough.com slash keltoni

to get your magnesium breakthrough and to find out this month's gift with purchase. Thank you. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? You guys can do fucking better than that. You guys ready to start the show? Yeah. Tonight's guest is most likely your favorite comedians favorite fucking comedian.

Sixteen years ago when I started at the store, I hung out late night, the very first night I was ever there and watched this man perform for an hour and a half, two hours, three hours, and then I did the same thing the next night, the next night, the next night, the next night, the next night, the next night, for a decade and a fucking half, basically. This is the guy that actually closes every real show at the. He's the creator of the funniest movie of all time. I double-dog, dare you to watch it or watch it again. Wendy City Heat. He's the host of the Big Three podcast. Make some noise for Comedy Store Legend and one of our favorite guests and favorite friends of the show.

Give them a big Austin, Texas welcome, his first time here in the Fat Man of the mothership, the great and powerful Don Barris, everybody. Let's go. Come on, you guys should do better than that. Yeah. Oh, L, yes. Thank you. One of my buddy old pals, one of my fucking great mentors, fucking legend of the Storks.

Can I ask a question to this audience because when you were talking backstage, I heard you talking about a stoop of this audience's, and I think you're right. Who here likes still fuck? Yeah, thank goodness for that They do they do like to fuck here Don you've been a guest multiple times. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight We're gonna watch comedians together. Oh, demonness on a 25 second delay there. Holy shit together. Oh, demand is on a 25-second delay there. Holy shit. All right. You can't. Okay, thank you. All right. So over 200 people signed up for tonight's show. I pull a name out of here. Can't me that. That's not fair. If I pull their name out of the bucket, that means they get 60 seconds

uninterrupted stage time. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up. Then they bring out the Angry West Hollywood bear, which is just loud and aggressive. The kitty should be louder, but, you know, we use a lever here that changes all the time, instead of anything of any consistent stability, whatsoever, after 10 years and a month.

So it's perfect. Oh, yes. The louder, different cat sound. That isn't the actual cat sound. instead of anything of any consistent stability whatsoever after 10 years and a month. So it's perfect. Oh yes, the louder different cat sound that isn't the actual cat sound always gets that much of a laugh when he does it. There you go, but that's as loud as it gets. That's as loud as that small-ass kitten gets. Maybe we can make some adjustments for next week.

Nope, that's a different cat. Red band. That's a different cat. Band. That's a different cat Okay, I guess we'll just keep everything meaty ochre as possible. I love it great stuff This is my business partner Rover 10 years everyone All right now we could start the show with one of these bucket pulls, but instead We have a regular on this show named Hans Kim, but in an unbelievable turn of events Hans Kim Texted me yesterday yesterday saying Tony. I'm not gonna be able to make it tomorrow

That one day before the show. Yes, The airlines are shut down. I'm stuck in New Jersey. I can't make it to the show. I'm like, what, what, what airport, Newark airport? He's like, yes. He's like, all flights are canceled because of weather. I go to, I Google flights out of Newark and click news on Google. There's no news. So then I look up flights Newark to Austin for that day. Everything's on time. Everything's running fine. So then I look up flights Newark to Austin for that day. Everything's on time. Everything's running fine. So I take a screen grab of that. I send it to him. He's like, no, that's not actually how it is. Because he's that crazy or hopped up on drugs.

That he literally thinks that I don't know how flights work. Because he's been flying for a year, too. He must be the master of how flying works. That may perhaps the internet has not caught up yet to what's going on in Newark. So I argued with him back and forth saying, you know, if you don't make it, you're going to get challenged next week again because I stopped having him challenge for his regular ship position. I don't know how many were caught up on this storyline here, but there's a lot of shit going on. To push Hans to the absolute limit,

we've been having him fight for his life and have to have a better minute than somebody else. So the other person becomes the new regular on the show, which means they get to do a new minute every week, which means they create their own fan base. They sell out tickets on the road, but Hans has been defending his throne. But it turns out he indeed did not make it here tonight.

So next week he will be challenging for his regular ship and in his place Ladies and gentlemen golden ticket winner young Bach from Houston, Texas makes some noise. This is a brand new minute from Inheritage Chico Yo yo yo yo what's up on the fuckers? Yeah, man, I like party with white dudes man. They're always down to get fucked up You know what I mean? Especially the ones with green hair. You know they got good weed, bro. So we were hanging out with some white dudes before a party and for fun, they decided to go feed vegan tacos to the homeless people downtown.

And if I had them like, yo, they're homeless, y'all, they smoke crack, dude. They don't give a fuck about being vegan. They just want to know who was their dick, so for $20, which I do. I think that's a really good deal. So we were downtown feeding these homeless people, these diarrhea tacos, right?

And in terms of that shit, it's illegal, y'all. The police rolled up and man, dude, I knew it was going to get fucked up because he took off his body camera Conner was getting rear-decked choke, you know, Neal, his fucking nag, bro I'm back in a way the officers approaching me. I'm getting scared and he just goes, hey, we can oh you with them Are you with them? And I was like, oh, no officer. I'm homeless. I just want wanna know who was your dick suffered $20! So they arrested me for prostitution? Alright, there you go. Minute 15 seconds from Enrique Chacone.

We let you go there. Respect for the reigning defending gold ticket winner of Kiltoni. How you feeling, Enrique? I feel fucking great, y'all. They just gave me another fucking promotion that Bucky's son! That's true, he does work at Bucky's. That's the world's greatest gas station,

Don, you ever been to a Bucky's? I've never been to a Ducky's. I just remember... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You're throwing shit around like crazy making noise. Yeah, he was causing a little bit of a stir up in the green room. Um, that is true in Rika. Tell the people what you did. I was looking at some alien shit, bro, because it looks so fucking dope, dude. Like I said, I used to be an art teacher, bro.

So I'm looking at this shit like damn, bro. This is way better than all those fucking children pieces, dude. And then I like that shit over, dog. Fuck it, dude. Did he just squeeze in a bit there after his time was over? That's why I was interested you know because there's an art figure I used to be an artist before comedy you know. Fuck yeah.

So Enrique what's been going on since the last time you were on this show? Fuck man I'm not sure why would I be by fucking rattlesnake y'all. And we paid for that bitch bro we. We paid her to stay alive right, but then my pimple got big, my rattlesnake yesterday, man. And I'm not gonna lie, I was like, man, fuck this motherfucker, dog. These people aggressive,

I can take him on vacation, you know what I mean? How much did you have to pay to keep the dog alive? Man, we, my girl, had to pay like $1,800, bro. $1,800. For some fucking antivenom, bro. You know how many homeless blow jobs you could get for $1,800 dollars. $1,800 dollars. For some fucking antivenom, bro. You know how many homeless blow jobs you could get for $1,800? You could get your chihuahua bit by a real rattlesnake, you know what I'm saying? 90.

God damn! 3600. 3600. No, it's 90. Holy fuck. I think you multiplied instead of divided, don't. Yeah, I'll fight anybody in here. Fuck you. I think you multiplied instead of divided, Don.

I'll fight anybody in here, fuck you. I'll meet you in the back. If you're bigger than me, I'll bash up brick on your fucking head. I love it. Enrique, what else is going on? Your love life's good. I met your lovely lady after the 10-year anniversary episode Yeah, man, we just walked out looking like a lesbian couple together. It is true. She's six foot two like I said

Like I'm not lying. Do you come into this? Yeah, you guys look like the number 10 when you're with each other. It's incredible Cheesy but really true. She is a line and you are a ball just a round son of a bitch you look like one of those uh street soccer balls the poor Mexican kids make out of like tin foil and paper am yeah the trophy under the bus like the bitch I'm using throw the under the bus like that. Bitch, I'm either. It's fucking I. Hey, man. What's up? The director from the movie, Wendy.

See how many of you have seen the movie, Wendy's City Heat, by the way. I know. You sons of bitches. I've done it before. Last time it was a wild push for it. I'm going to do it again. Every Killtony fan gets a homework assignment this week.

That is Go Watch, Wendy's City Heat. I think I feel like the best place to see it is on YouTube. Yeah, it's on YouTube, right? Yeah. It is. And so watch it on YouTube, set it on your thing to watch after the show, perhaps.

And also take note of when it was made and the cast and the characters, because it was so far ahead of its fucking time to think that that was one of the first ever reality slash prank, anything. And I just check out my Instagram. I have a lot of dick pics. Okay. Yeah. Get a lot of likes. In reekate chicone you got the show started today. You showed everybody how the format works. Thank you so much. It's not easy. A new minute all the time. One of the newest residents in Austin, Texas. Okay, now here's a little fun fact for you.

You remember I pulled a name out of the, or I accidentally dropped a name out of the bucket earlier and Then I put it back in and I stirred the bucket around a fucking ton of times But I looked at it before I put it back in and the name that I pulled out is that exact name So this person whatever's about to happen, is supposed to be on this stage tonight. The odds of that, I think, are one in like 400. If there's 200, yeah. Or maybe he would say 6,000, but I mean.

It's fuck you, fuck you. Ah, yes. Makes the noise for your first bucket pull of the night. We're going to meet them all together. Seabass, Metaar, everybody. Seabass, Metaar, everybody. Seabass, Metaar, and I pre-pull the next name. What up, what up, what up, what up, my name is Seabass, y'all. That's a nickname, it's not a real name, okay?

It's a philosophy, it's an acronym, it's a way of life, okay? C-Bats is spelled C-B-A-S. And it stands for can't buy anything expensive. No, I know who's not Latino, because you guys are like, what expensive? He didn't say it right, bitch, I know. I can't afford the vow, it's what I'm trying to tell you. The last dude you wanna see on Wheel of Fortune.

Can I get a vow? No, okay, a spensive, spensive it is. Can't buy anything spensive is a way of life, okay? When I go to the movies, I'm using coupons, I'm using the fucking gift cards. Me and my wife are going to the Dollar Tree before the movie. You know what I'm talking about?

Ladies, we carry a little ass clutch. They'll ask it home. We want the girls with the beach bag. The fuck are you going to sneak in with a clutch? Eminem's fuck outta here. Me and my girl, we watching Despicable Me, we got the wine tail, the yellow tail, the big one, $12 drunk as fuck on a Sunday talking about But I do watching the minions am alright? All right, y'all thank you so much. I'm see bass my tar

Seabass My tar yes sir. Thank you for saying that right to the show see bass absolutely pleasure Is that really how your name is spelled? No, my real name is Sebastian everyone just called you see bass. I'm his band exo Sevas okay, you're Mexican Cuban Chileno, but hey in Texas We're gonna make so wait. What was the second thing? Cuban Chileno Chileno Chileno Michael, what does that mean? My dog is from Chile. Oh, okay, man. I should have known that I thought it was Chilean. That's how we say it in the Greenest country on planet Earth. Hey, hey listen

I was born in my fun, okay? Green is country on planet Earth. Hey, hey, listen. I was born in my fun, okay? Yeah. 100% citizen. Yeah, I don't. Anybody who says that, I don't believe it. You know who I've never heard say that? A white person. A guy wearing a shirt like that.

I was born in America. Like not a believable thing. How long you been doing stand-up sea bass? Please tell me less than two months. Not about six years. Oh, fuck. Yeah, about six years. Oh, man.

Oh, shit. It happened, it happened. Wow. Incredible. Where have you been doing this for six years exactly? So I started off with Miami and then I've been out here for about a year and a half give or take Wow And how's it been going out here? It's going you know, it's going

Wow slowly but surely I hear doing it Can't buy anything expensive more like More like can bomb all sets You're not that great at this. Oh, yeah, absolutely. Okay. We're working on it. What do you do for work? I'm a server bartender in a restaurant. How old are you? 29 29 years old serving in bartending. What's your living situation? Living my wife?

Oh, okay. You know, she must, she now must she must blend them on me. Okay, she keeps you warm since you're so chilly. Mmm. What does she do? She's a wedding planner and a vent planner. Okay. Okay, Hispanics love weddings. That's right. She's a wedding planner and a van planner. Okay. Okay, Hispanics love weddings.

She's Hispanic too. 100% Cuban. 100% Cuban. 100% baby. Oh shit. Oh wait. She put mustard on your dick and then suck it off. You know.

Cubans like mustard. No, we don't. I don't know. Have you ever had a Cuban sandwich? Motherfuck, have you had a Cuban sandwich? Fuck outta here. Yeah. Yep. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, There's a mustard on Cuban sandwich. Oh, there is, there is. Yeah, you got to say I'm fucking a dick. Not on my dick, though.

100%. My wife would not put mustard on my dick. All right, all right. What is the most exciting thing she's ever done to you in the bedroom? Oh, no, I'm a gentleman. I ain't about to say that aloud. No. The fuck are you talking?

What show do you think you signed up for? Fucking married. I'm married. No, I'm good! I'm not gonna put my ring. The ring doesn't even fit you. Why is it so loose? Who's fucking ring is that over there?

Okay, go on. Who's ring is that? It's alright. Alright. Fucking Cubano's shmigolo right here. What's the ring? Why are you so mad about love? Tony, why are you so mad about love?

Mad about love? The fuck are you talking about? You're ring doesn't fit. Okay. And if it doesn't fit, you know. Okay. Tell us, do you have any special skills or talents? We saw you talking about that.

No, no, no. No, no, no. Come on, there must be something. You ever win a competition? You ever have a news article written about you? And then local newspaper? No, I never. Nothing like that, no.

Anything? You good at anything? Cooking? I like cooking. OK. That was my first interest, but you know. OK. Cooking.

All right. Cooking's fun. And you've been doing stand-up six years. Yeah, going on six years. Why do you think your minute was so ineffective tonight if you've been doing it six years. If we could look at if we could get your report on why you think it didn't go good. I don't know. I just I think I did well. I'm not going to front. I felt like I did okay. I'm not going to sit here and tell you I crushed it. Breaking news. Definitely not. Definitely ain't crushing it. Hold up. Breaking news. This is CNN, the I tell you I'm crushing breaking news definitely not definitely not crushing hold up breaking news

This is CNN the Cuban news network six out of ten six out of ten Baby, baby, so I'm this scene our field reporter things. He did good. They're very well What do you think your best short joke is? Did you do it was it in that minute? No, no, it definitely was. It definitely was. I want to know what you think. Six years in the game. I want to see what you're best. I'm going to let you do one more quick joke. It's got to be less than 20 seconds. You got one of those, right? Let's fucking hope. Quick joke. All right, now we're just got to stand the pocket here. why do Cubans talk so loud? Why?

Has they still got saltwater in their ears? Oh shit. All right, my friend, you're leaving here with a little joke book and a cell blaster. Congratulations. Mixed in with C-Bass and Mattar, everybody. These people trying their best. They moved Austin. Everybody's trying to fucking make it,

everybody's trying to get a shortcut, and they're not even willing to tell us the craziest thing their wife does to them. He said, I can't do that on Mary, that's when you can do it, that's for life. If it was a girlfriend two weeks in, I'd say you might be right, maybe you shouldn't tell us. Son of a bitch. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, we're gonna meet them all together, anything can happen. I'd say you might be right. Maybe you shouldn't tell us. Son of a bitch. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to meet them all together. Anything can happen.

You guys having fun? All right. Make some noise for Chris Beasley, everybody. Here we go. Chris Beasley. Oh, I'm happy to be here. Mainly because my wife's not here. Yeah, she's at home where she should be, you know. Not like that I live in San Francisco, pay 40 million dollars in rent.

Someone better be home, you feel me? Originally from Texas, went to Catholic school in Texas. Serious one, my principal was a pedophile. I was in office a lot. It's okay, it's okay, he in touch me. He was racist. Amen. God is good. Won't he do it? Well, he will, guess, lower. Next, you know, racism saves your ass. Literally, and I'm here for it. I'm here for it. Some people get uncomfortable with that joke because you realize the white kids got special treatment.

They did. Tommy, a valuable lesson. White privilege can't be tough. Some of y'all have to clinch. That's something I'm just kidding. She's kidding, she's kidding. Yeah, I, I mean, I can't end it right there. That's fine. We had a good time.

That was great. Chris Beasley. Absolutely. I like your fucking style. Came in, guns ablaze, and said his wife's at home where she belongs. And not afraid to make the wife at home mad. I love it. Fearless.

Chris Beasley. How long have you been to in stand up? We're at four years four years That's what a person at four years should fucking be like Abs of fucking We're at here in Austin. I started in Dallas moved to San Francisco in 2020 and then I don't count 2020 because I can't work But you know, so when in 2020 exactly did you decide to move to all places? San Francisco.

I have to know. I know. You would leave Dallas. You left Dallas. I love Dallas. I love Dallas. I got the year 2020. Yeah. Can I hope and pray that it's January?

March 13th. Oh my God. Oh my God. That's like the weekend. Yeah. That's like the main weekend where people are like, wait, what, we don't have to what tomorrow? We don't have to go to work.

Wait, what? The flights were already booked. I know. That is unbelievable. So let's go through it beat by beat, because this is fucking amazing, man. March 13th, I remember, that was like, I was the last performer at the La Jolla comedy store

before the pandemic, and I think it was the 12th and the 13th and the 13th and the 14th and then that week just everything shut down. I remember it very clearly. So how, why did you plan on moving to San Francisco? Right. That's the better question. There's no pandemic yet. There's just talk about it. People are like, there's something coming out of China and everybody's like, no, there's

not. And then cut to this. No, I wish it was awesome. Well, I mean, it's an awesome reason. First off, my wife's super liberal. Yeah. Oh, shit. No.

It's not. I mean, this way, my wife is way her husband black. She's super liberal. That's what I mean. And she works for Apple. And she got a promotion. And we got moved to headquarters. That's why we moved.

Shit. Yeah. Yeah. Damn. So there you go. All of a sudden, you move there. And then what happens? So I quit.

I was a teacher. Quit moved there. I told her we shouldn't move, because she's not going to make nearly as much, because the taxes. She don't listen. And we get there, we argue for about a year because the world shut down can't do comedy. I have no purpose.

I'm angry, depressed, yelling. So maybe my wife been on talk space for years. It's, yeah. And they are the very best. You sign up online and get a personalized match with a provider that's right for you, typically within 48 hours. And as a listener of this podcast,

you get $80 off your first month with Talkspace. When you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony, that's $80 off your first month. Just go to Talkspace.com slash Tony. Woo! I love it. So let's talk about more about Chris Beasley. Your set was fucking so

entertaining. A rock solid four years. So how did you catch up after the year off in San Francisco? I mean grindin so everybody was flattened right so I could work with some of the comments I've been doing in 20 years and obviously other open-micres and so I just put my head down trying not to you know be upset and depressed for a year, just grind it, and I now am a host at the improv there. I love it. Grindin', I work at three of the clubs,

but that's the most perceived one. Grindin', yeah, sir. Grindin', dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun And black people black people if you're here all you black people out there You know who I'm talking about clips grindin right you know the song that I'm talking about thank you Don't thank you brother hell you don't know Christ. Yes, you do how does it go? He doesn't know it sounds like this He doesn't know. It sounds like this. You know that song? Do you know what I'm talking?

There you go. Who gives a fuck? We're way off track here. Chris, what do you think is the most interesting thing about you? The pedophile jokes real. Oh wow. Yeah. Oh shit.

I had two encounters. I mean, other kids did. I just was at the school. Yeah. But one of them we actually were dating the same girl when it happened. Don, you ever had any experiences with any pedophiles? I know that you uh What are you getting at? You uh... What are you getting at? I know, it's hard to be pedophile when you're the pedophile. Oh Tony makes a joke, everybody laughs. Fuck you man.

I've never touched a kid in my life, he pricks. I've already got two guys on a beat the fuck out of when this shows over so... I love it. Well Chris, amazing stuff. Do you have any special skills or talents other than standup comedian? Um, dating. Yeah I'm good at that. I mean I'm married. I succeeded. I think I'm done. Like can you give us one of your tricks or tips to being a great data. Ooh, bet, bet. Okay, first off, figure out what each of you provides. So do some Myers-Briggs, no astrology at Shizbushit. Wait, provide some, what? What Myers-Briggs, you know what Myers-Briggs is?

No. Y'all don't know what Myers-Briggs is. No, man, you didn't even know what Clips grindin' was. It's one of the like the great hip-hop songs out of the... Yo, okay, it's 2000s. This is dope, okay. So year three is a bad idea, but for our anniversary, I gave my wife her Myers-Briggs score.

Don't do that. Don't do that. She was upset. Yeah, this is true story. Because we were struggling. Like in relationship, year three is tough. And so we were struggling. We were getting mad at each other.

I was like, look, I think I can solve this shit. Let me just look at us. I checked Myers-Briggs. I saw exactly how we lined up differently. Coaster up on it. Game. Seven years later, we still rock it. I promise.

You ever cheated on your wife? Huh? You ever cheated on your wife? Have I cheated? No, what the fuck? Ha ha ha ha ha. Did you not listen to the last comic? No.

Ha ha ha. Chris Beasley, I love your style. How long you been Austin for? I'm doing all the 35 visiting families. I'm up and down this whole week. Santonio, the Dallas, back and forth. So I'm around. What?

Does that make sense? You just named a freeway and then a bunch of cities. That's what I'm talking about. How long are you in Austin for? Well, tonight, right now, and then I'll head the way. Right now, I know you're here right now. Got that one. It's CMV's right there.

I can go wherever, but I'm just chilling in Dallas until Sunday, so I can up and down 35. Does that make sense? Yeah, it does. That's right. Up and down 35, that is indeed the freeway. It's from during your hometown. Very done, were you going to say?

No, you said that. You were talking about the freeway, and then you found out it was the freeway was talking about That is trip it is a beautiful 69.8 degrees at the front of the room right now. You got a love at the AC is bumping Thank you so much Chris Beasley Amazing set very fun time. Thank you so much. Here's a big joke book. By the great Bones Eye, it makes the best handmade leather goods and all of

Austin. And you just got a big, awesome joke book. You know what, let's get another bucket pull out while we still can. Make some noise for your next comedian. We're going to meet them all together. Well, maybe we know him. Make some noise for Nick Devlin, everybody. This could be someone we've seen before.

Nick Devlin, everyone. Ah, here he is. The Killtony Day view of Nick Devlin, everybody. Hey, what's up, guys? I just got my first haircut in Texas. I sat down and that chair and the barber was like, all right, on a skill of one to 10, how racist do you want to look?

I was like, I don't know, seven? And I walked out looking like this. I was home a phobic once. I was held that gunpoint by a gay guy. And that was rough. Unfortunately, when I was a child, I was part of a school shooting. Yeah, I was also homeschooled.

So, it's just my mom shooting my dad. Yeah, we were like relieved after I was like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I was like, whoa, I was pulled over recently and arrested on a technicality, the technicality was that I was drunk. All right, Nick Dublin, thank you, I appreciate it. Nick Dublin. Thank you. Okay. Nick, Nick, you, I appreciate it. Nick Devlin. Thank you.

Okay. Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick. How are you, my friend? I'm good, Tony, how are you? How did that, what the fuck was that? It was a burp. Whose burp was that? It was the, it was not yours, am I tripping?

What? What was that noise? Guys, what was that noise? What was that? Is anybody known? Everybody's just goofing around. It wasn't me. It's okay, it's just a live podcast heard by millions who gives a shit about a random noise. It was not me.

Hi, yippee! Fuck yeah. She's like, he's a belch. It was a belch. It did. It sounded like, it sounded almost sounded like a soundboard of some kind, but nobody has one of those around here. Anyway, Nick Devlin, let's talk about it. How do you feel like that wind? I felt like it was better than my last time, but not that great. I feel like it was in a bit on the show before. Yeah, I was like five or six. And it was worse than that. He's about five or six weeks ago. Five or six weeks ago. He was worse. Fiverr six what? Weeks ago. Fiverr six weeks ago.

Yeah, yeah. My God, I do not remember you at all. How's that possible? What did we find out about you five or six weeks ago? I had glasses. My hair was longer. Okay. I was kind of a f***ing it.

Yeah, I was. No, you don't just get to use that word as a safety valve when you're bombing. You don't get to do that. You have to earn f*** that. You have to earn the use of a f***ing life's other ways. See, I get to f*** it all I want, because I've already earned my trust with the audience, because there are a bunch of f***ing gets, and I get to do that. Thank you, thank you, D-Bandness. When you hear his bass solo, you know that I said f*** it three times in a row.

Okay. We have to beat all these, right? Okay, perfect. Okay, thank you, censorship on YouTube. So Nick Devlin, what did we not find out about you five or six weeks ago that you think would be interesting for us to find out on the show? Yeah, I think I have some really bad,

so I live alone with a cat, and I have some really bad habits, just because I live alone. For example, I usually pee in the sink. Why do you do that? Because it's easier. I know it's not, I know it's kind of shameful, but it's easier. Because I have two sinks that are closer to me, and one toilet, which is farther from the sinks. So I usually, I usually, I, I'm just being honest, I usually pee in the sink, my friends don't like it.

When you say your friends, are you talking about friends that visit? Like, what do you mean? You just say you live alone with your cat, are you calling your cat your friend? Who's the friend that doesn't like it? Yeah, I don't think my cat cares, but my friends, when I come over, I'm like, because usually I'm like, I think it's funny. It's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like,

it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it's like, it? No, no, no, no. So how do they know that you pee in the sink? I tell them, I tell them. Okay. Jesus Christ. What do you do for work? How do you blend in with society? What do you do? So I work remotely for a biotech laboratory.

Right. Okay. I think I'll lay it off though, by the way. I am not surprised. Yeah. Are you pissing in the urine samples that you're supposed to be behind? Oh, that's your laugh. I hate you. Take a little trip. Goodbye. There you go. There he goes. You don't have to high five these people don't. Please don't do that. I don't want them to feel like they accomplished anything here.

And I put the mic where you found it over there. Will you on the X over there? There you go. Yeah, what a dick, man Yeah, there he goes everybody All right, let's have some fun. Shall we we have a new regular on this show that's on an absolute warpath I don't want to hype them up too much, but this might be one of the great, great stars of the future of Keltoni. Ladies and gentlemen, make some goddamn noise for the man the myth, the one and only. Camp Patterson, everybody. Here he is. Oh shit.

The real deal. My dick ain't that big. That's not funny bitch. That's why I envy lesbians. And it lesbians in hell? Good, let's... You got to lesbians bitch. You a cowboy, a fuck nigga.

But I envy lesb's for real, dog. They get the pick they did. And I ain't get that choice. Let me explain. Like a lesbian, we have a sense of her girlfriend. She go, oh my gosh. This is so good. Go deeper. All she got to do, detest her sex.

Go to her arsenal real quick. Put her on a tent. And that's different, the fuck her life up. I'm a sex with my girlfriend and she tell me to go deeper. I'ma just call my home, but Because I know they quondick way bigger than mine Wow exactly one minute. Oh, really? And another unbelievable set. Undoubtedly, the set of the night so far.

Cam Patterson with your, what is this? 5, 6, 7, 1 minute, new minutes. It's like 5, I think 5 right now. Yup, I love it. All of them have been absolutely amazing, incredible. That one, another one, Don, this is your first time seeing Cam. If you need a little lecture, you bring your friend over. Good job.

Yeah, yeah. We went in trains, but you want to come too, Don? Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah, I would like that. Yeah. Yeah. I can tell you, I can tell tell you from a lot of late nights at the store Don Barras has a famously huge cocking balls everybody Why don't you show the people real?

No, I'm not gonna show I'll describe it. I can put both hands around in the headstick, so It's true what's Dr. Heverrich did during my circumcision has been talked about my entire life, compamentally. And the reason I bring that Dr. Heveridge passed away last week. You know, he may no longer be with us, but his artwork lives on in the head of my cock. It is true. Not a lot of people know this, but the Pringlescan was actually modeled Yeah! It is true, not a lot of people know this, but the Pringles can was actually modeled off of Don's penis, so... You show your goddamn mouth, man. That's right. Much like a Pringles can, I'll put a lid on it, you know what I'm saying?

Alright, thank you. So, Cam, what's been going on this week? Tell us more about your life, what's happening. I mean, I know you're absolutely thriving. I put you up for your first time in this room, going to stand up on my show last week. I saw it! That's true. De Madness.

Who's a god damn liar? Who's a god damn liar? I'm cocaine tonight. A lot of extra energy from De Madness tonight. Chatty, a lot of a lot of guitar riffs back there. I do believe Deandist Stole Huns' Coke. I love it. Okay, so what's going on in life, Cam? I did. I did. So you had me open up. Yeah, we go out the wrong white. That was pretty dope.

Yeah, first time in the room, you had to follow Ron White. That was by design. And you did it with great ease. Everybody was watching the monitors talking about how great you were the story of the night, literally. It was incredible to see. I got to sit there with a lot of the young, up-and-coming comics that are doing the feature in the experienced opening acts regularly, and the look of fear that was over their

face as they realize that you're coming for their jobs. There is no doubt about it. He really is. For someone with only two years of experience, you have an incredible appetite for laughs per minute, which is usually something that happens to people five, 10, 15 years in. They're like, man, I have to edit this shit down. There's a lot of people that tell me, I'd sign up for, I'm funny, I'd sign up for Kiltoni,

but I'm not like a one minute comedian. Any more time than that. And that is just the dumbest fucking thing anyone could say. You were taught it. Yeah, you have to be funny multiple times in a minute, even if you're doing 60 minutes, you need to make them laugh a lot.

And you seem to have an incredible understanding for that. Where do you think that comes from? My pops were really funny. I was saying, like, my dad's funny shit. Yeah. For life, so I was a watcher. His big ass dude's funny shit. He is a big guy.

I met him for the first time last night. Yeah. Yeah. We're all going to be drinking after this at Mitzi's. I'm excited to catch up with them. If he's any, if he's half as much fun as your uncle, uh, he's the greatest man in the world. Yeah, I didn't even know yet. This shit, we've been turning beats into a goddamn trap puzzle. You know what I say? I want to do that. Come on. Come on. God damn right. Don's from Michigan. So

he's basically, you know, Andy has a huge dick, so he's basically black. You can say it. He's just a black guy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I love it. What else can I have anything else before I let you go?

I used to use it for the first time. And I don't like that shit. Y'all can keep that shit the y'all sales. I think that shit is just lazy cooking. You understand? Oh, I don't want to cook this fish. You a bitch, dawg. I hate you.

I've been shitting for three weeks, man. I'm fucking, that shit is so upset. My ass just spit water right now. Mmm. So fuck sushi. that's my take on sushi. And I can attest to the fact that you have been having stomach problems. I was waiting, there's one main green room restroom up there. And I had to pee. You didn't.

I fucked it up. I had to pee. He did. I was fucking it up. He did. It was fucking it up. He did. It was gang violence in there. I saw some bloods and some drips. You know what I mean?

That was absolutely incredible. Tony, can I ask a question? Yeah. Oh, there's a gentleman that just left and I was going to ask her. You want to play a trick on him? Okay, when he comes back in, I got you bent over and I'm fucking you hard. And he comes in and he says, what's going on here for goodness' sakes? Are you passing a beat now? No, we say we're just kidding around these to back down.

It's just a little prank. It'll be fine, yeah. We'll blur it on YouTube, it'll be great. Yeah, this is a good idea. I like this idea. Yeah, I like working with you, man. I'm not talking to you. You think the same.

I love it, Cam. You are an absolute fucking star. You are one of the things when I, when it's Sunday or Monday morning, and I'm thinking about this show, you're one of the things that keeps me excited and keeps me inspired. Because this is what it's all about, it's the fucking people coming up the ranks. This is the only show ever in comedy history where you can literally see the future, a crystal ball and this guy's part of it makes me want more time for the great camp patterns and every time. And I pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. We're going to meet them all together. Not easy to follow.

Cam. At all. We've had quite a few uncles on the history of the show. This is another uncle. We're going to meet them all together. Uncle Simee, everybody, or Uncle Simee, perhaps. Here we go. Uncle.

OK. Uncle Simee. How's everybody doing? How's everybody doing? My name is Uncle Simee. That's a nickname I got from my niece, actually. She couldn't really say my name. So you say, Uncle Sammy, and so my name is Uncle Sam, actually.

So I'm from Fort Worth, Texas. If you can't tell, it's actually a new addition. I got this. Cowboy had a buckies of all places. I was looking for just something cool to wear for July 4th, and I just turned out that this looked to hell a lot better than all that other bullshit. Last week, last week, I got out of a really interesting Airbnb situation.

I don't know if you know this Airbnb. They have immersive experiences now. I should have looked at the reviews and had my notes, but I'll try to remember the review. The review basically was like, don't take your fucking family here. It's the sin. Hashtag Pure Evil One Star. They diagnosed me with bipolar. And we'll talk about that later, I guess.

Oh, yes. You will be talking about it later with your many personalities that you have, I do believe. Wow! Okay. What should I call you? You can call me Sam. Okay, Sam. So, you know, you gave us a lot of information. You're from Fort Worth. You're

from Texas. You got the hat at Bucky's. Then you questioned how much time you had left. At that point, I don't know where to look. 33 seconds in with no jokes done. You questioned how much time was left. And then you told us a story about an Airbnb, but turns out you forgot your notes, which I guess had the punchlines on them. Nothing memorized whatsoever. Don Barris. If you ever tump math classes. Math classes are math classes. Math. Math. I was pretty good at math. So no, but in high school I did. Oh, that was glad I brought that up. Sorry, no, no, no, there's a lot of, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, on the meds. Okay, here we go. This guy just came back. He's been you wouldn't believe what she wanted to do the many you got up Luckily Don here's a gentleman and does very very very very polite but she this one you guys

You got to keep an eye on this you got to put her in a yonder bag or something when you fucking Okay, so Sam you said you're on meds? 100%. Okay, how long have you been on meds? At least two weeks. Two weeks? Well, I technically got out of the hospital two weeks ago. What were you in the hospital for?

Let's talk about it, Sam. It is direct with the answers you can be. My family thought I was going to kill myself. Okay, why did your family think that you were going to kill yourself? This is a doozy. I know it is. I'm a great interviewer and I'm trying to get to it. You don't have to say it's a doozy, just tell the fucking story.

It was a text. Okay. That said, I have intentions of harming myself. Okay. And I said that in a massive panic. And after I got out, I realized I didn't mean to say that. I was co-confused. Well, everybody thought I was trying to kill myself, even though I didn't. But why is it real?

Why what the fuck is going on here? Hey, okay. So you weren't trying to kill yourself. No. No, not at all. You were just kind of having like a little episode. Yeah. Sure. Okay. That's the theory. Okay.

I agree with it very much. Have you ever talked to any therapist? I am with a counselor and psychiatrist and family counselor. You have it all right now. Make a recommendation. If any of those people are ever unavailable, go to talkspace.com and use the promo code Tony Tony get $80 off your first month and you show your support for the show okay so let's talk some more Sam because I like you I think there's I think you're a good guy I think you're

likable have you ever done stand-up comedy before in the first time this is his first time everybody's not here trying out. That's one of the big parts of getting diagnosed as bipolar. First, you get a psychiatrist, then a therapist, then they put you on meds, and then you get to start stand-up comedy, everybody. Because of the trauma.

Because of the exact order of the best. The trauma. That's my story. It really is wild how many people are drawn into this industry? What are you doing? Gaging how freaked out I am. You're not even, you're much calmer than most people. Oh good.

Yeah, it's very good. Makes me feel better. The bipolar meds are helping you out tremendously. Moots tableizers, their moods tableizers. Definitely. Okay. So did something set this off, this bipolar thing? Is this a newer thing?

Have you always struggled with mental health issues? I've always struggled six months, super depressed, can't get out of bed, barely making it to work, and then six months of good, and then sometimes a little, what are you doing with your money? So this has a happy ending. And then you're back down, and so now there's a diagnosis.

So this is kind of a breakthrough. What are some hobbies? There's some exciting things that you do in life that bring you joy. I'm an audio engineer, I'm a retrade. Oh, that's why I make most of my money. Okay. And I also drum as well. You drum?

I also drum. How long have you been drumming for? Sorry. How long have you been drumming for? Since I was a kid, five years old. Really? Yeah, but I'm not professional, but I played in church. So.

Oh, you played in church. I made money in church. Oh, wow. Okay. And look how God rewarded you with a bipolar, incredible. Whatever that is. No mercy whatsoever this God of ours. It's coming someday.

Someday. You think you could do a drum solo? Really? Yeah. You know what? Let's do a drum solo? Really? Yeah. You know, let's have a little good side of the story. I don't know if you guys know this, but then historically on the show, we have a little thing that we do where someone can challenge

the resident drummer, obviously, Michael Gonzalez, in this case, to what we call a Mexican drum off, where he does a drum solo, and then our drummer does a drum solo, and whoever wins gets to be the full-time drummer on Killtony. And if Michael loses, they have to switch roles. So he has to be an audio engineer and Fort Worth with bipolar, and in which case, Uncle Sam would be the new way to Uncle Sam, wait Uncle Sam, or Sam or Simmy or whichever one of you I'm talking to right now.

You're gonna want that symbol in a second so I would put the hat anywhere else. Okay, all right, I guess that's one way to do it Sam. So, ladies and gentlemen, and now ladies and gentlemen, drumming for perhaps a life-changing experience. This is a solo by the one and only Uncle Sam everybody. There you go, Uncle Sam, everybody. Not bad, not bad at all. I wouldn't have thought my life he couldn't have done that. That was absolutely incredible, ladies and gentlemen.

I don't know if it's incredible. By polar bear himself, Uncle Sam. And now Sam stay right over here. Sam stay over here. Over here, Sam. And now defending his throne, undefeated all time in Mexican drum-offs. This is Michael Gonzalez. I'm going go back to the next one. I'm gonna go back to the next one.

I'm gonna go back to the next one. I'm gonna go back to the next one. I'm gonna go back to the next one. I'm gonna go back to the next one. I'm gonna go back to the next one. I'm gonna go back to the next one. I'm gonna go back to the next one. I'm gonna go back to the next one.

I'm gonna go back to the next one. I'm gonna go back to the next one. I'm gonna go back to the next one. Oh! I'm gonna have to go back to the other side. I'm gonna have to go back to the other side. I'm gonna have to go back to the other side. I'm gonna have to go back to the other side. Oh, right. I mean, he's a lot better than you. I mean, Jesus, Michael, I mean, you didn't have to beat him up that bad. What the fuck? I didn't really, I missed her nice guy over here, then all of a sudden he waits until he has an opponent with mental illness to fucking just,

doing 45 seconds of hitting every fucking thing on the kit. Oh, come on. Oh shit. Oh no, don't point at him. Don't point at him. Fuck yeah. How many of you have Uncle Sammy winning that,

that, oh, wow. No, no, don't even, for me, should put your head back. By that kind of response, you would have thought it was Uncle laser, not Uncle Sammy. Oh my god. Oh, shit. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez? Amazing. Uncle Sammy, I'm going to tell you what I'm'm gonna do for the first time ever in the show's history because you are bipolar

I'm going to give you both a big joke book and a little joke book Depending on what kind of day you're having you can fucking enjoy either one of those What's all that's all good? Don is apologizing to me because he keeps high-fiving people. I was like, come on. He was fucking God awful, man. No, we love all different shapes and sizes and state of minds on this show.

We get a lot of this. A lot of different characters. So let's keep it going. You want another bucket pool, huh? Make some noise Let's go with Nick Thomas everybody here we go Nick Thomas What's up everybody how y'all doing tonight? All right, so I learned this the other week. I learned that the biggest consumer of BDSM sex toys in America is white people,

which is a little wild to me, that means we have to role play slavery to come. What? What? You guys think that's cultural appropriation? What if I sing spirituals while my wife's pegging me? What? Mm, mm, mm.

Mm. It's all right guys, don't worry, I'm married in Mexican, My wife's pegging me. Mmmmmmmmmmm kid when we were dating. I don't know where that thing came from. I got down on one knee. I was like, baby, will you make me the happiest man in the world? This kid just materialized that. I know where. 15 years old, two jobs, immediately. Thank you. That's my time. Thank you guys. Nick Thomas, a good set. Hell yeah. Thank you guys. Nick Thomas. A good set. Hell yeah. Thank you guys. You killed it. Hey. Stupid.

Okay, Nick, let's talk about how long you've been on standup. I did stand up for six years in El Paso, where I'm from. I took two years off. So I've been doing it a year straight since being in Austin. So collectively seven years Yeah, okay Don asked me to ask you why the dress why the dress well fun fact. It's a dress if you're wearing underwear Whoa

My goodness You got nothing under there, huh? Hey, that's for me to know, and for everyone in here to be uncomfortable about. Wow. Show this guy, Vic, for the road. I love it, Nick, where do you meet your Mexican wife, Fat? In El Paso, where I'm from, we went to college together. Oh, wow. Okay.

What college is in El Paso? No good ones, man. University of Texas at El Paso? No good ones man the university University of Texas at El Paso. Okay. What did you study there? We both did theater? Wow Okay, so you have some acting experience. I do can you give us a little bit? Can we get a little taste of some acting from you? Can you perhaps play a scene? Yes, Don Barris famous actor Can I pretend that I'm going into a 7-Eleven? He's working behind the counter. Yeah, let's do it. Hey, what's a dude with a dress on for? You weren't underwear.

Well fun fact It's only a skirt if you're wearing underwear Can I help you? I'm out. All right, there you go. A little acting, a little Shakespearean acting by. Didn't do any improv, so. Okay, so Nick, how many kids do you have? Everyone kid.

Just one. Just the one. How have you been able to only maintain one kid with a Mexican wife? First control. Ah, you put, she started it after the, no, no, well, so it is my step-kid, she's actually my step-daughter and after the, oh come down. Did you hear that? Some asshole, that was incredible. Just like, dirty your fucking kid dude. Assholes, I know, man.

Are you somebody? I fuck kids, so that was kind of mean. Yeah, I mean, you know, I mean, you do have a pretty fucking wild side, Don. I mean, remember what happened when you ran over that? I remember. Yeah. You want to tell the people what happened? I'm not going to say another word back to him.

Come on. I think you should tell these people, because it'll give them a better understanding of who you are when you were driving in Michigan a few weeks ago. You remember what happened? Yeah, yeah. No, no, no. I should say this right off the bat. This is a joke and the only reason I say this, I want people to know I've never eaten the vagina of a squirrel. Okay. Do you still want me to tell the story? Okay. I'm driving in northern Michigan. I hit some booth my car. Does anyone ever been in an accident before?

Yeah. Oh, that adrenaline goes through. And it's like crazy. When I was thinking that the adrenaline was going through me, I kept thinking, what did I just fucking hit? So when the car came to a stop, I'm on the ground, I'm looking everywhere and then I feel it. It was not doing very well. For 45 minutes, I watched this and at the end, we lost a squirrel that evening. How stupid do you have to be? The easiest thing ever.

Go, ah! All right, so crazy thoughts start going through my mind. I first think, what if this is a mummy squirrel? And this mummy squirrel has all these, what do they call their children? Chipmunks? So there's all these chipmunks waiting for their mummy squirrel to come back. And I started getting mad at myself because I thought I just ruined a family. Then about 40 minutes, I looked at it and did not look good.

So I thought, what could I do to make this girl's last moments on this earth beautiful? So wait, this girl's pussy. Now real quick, here's what I found out that night. Did you know I shot up, man? That night I found out that night. Did you know I shot up, man? That night I found out. Did you know a dead squirrels vagina it tastes exactly the same is one that's alive. I can't describe that taste with one word.

Yes, nutty. Let's go ahead. Fuck yeah, Don Barris is here, everybody. Make sure you check out the big three podcast on the Don Barris podcast. Welcome to Chick when the plot for me. Thank you. Ah, there you go. All right.

Do you have any special skills or talents, Nick Thomas? I'm also a chef. Oh, wow, boring. All right. All right. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom that you do? I recently learned that your dick goes in the front hole. Okay.

You know what, I think of it. That's probably why I only have one kid. All right. All right, Nick. Well, I'm trying my best with you. Weirdest thing in your refrigerator right now. I have some kimchi that I made myself that I found out the other day was not even the right vegetable.

And I don't know what it is now, man. I'm scared to open. What you use. I don't know Haven't figured it out yet. You don't know what vegetable you use. I was pretty high. Okay. Get rid of this guy's Bring the show down. Yeah, I agree But you did have a good set. I'm gonna give you a big joke, but there you go Nick Thomas everybody Uh, Nick Thomas, everybody. There goes Nick Thomas. All right, things are moving smoothly. I pulled to get a female comedian up.

We've had no ladies up tonight, so I got one. Is that okay? All right, representing the women here tonight makes some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. It goes to Karina Reyes, everybody. Karina Reyes. Have you guys ever had sex? Yes!

With someone that kept their glasses on? Yes! Yeah, he was like, if I'm not wearing them, I can't see you. And I was just like, why do you think I took mine off? Yeah, I went on a date with a doctor thinking this will be good. But then he told me he was into BDSM. If you don't know what that is, just as Tony. But just imagine choking, pain, being told what to do. It's like having immigrant parents. Like does it look like

I'm into that? Well, yes I am. He calls me master because I have a master's degree. Yeah, I have a master's degree in environmental engineering like I can read code, but I can't read red flags. Fuck yeah. I liked it. Karina Rance. You're like a nerd with balls. You're a courageous little door, aren't you? I like your style.

Thank you. How long you been doing stand-up? Almost five years. Five years. It seems that way. Very, very good. Where at? LA. In LA.

Okay. Wow, you're a little bit edgy for someone that started in LA five years ago. What brings you to Austin? Your show. Perfect. How long you in town for? I leave tomorrow. Amazing. someone that started in LA five years ago what brings you to Austin? Your show. Perfect. How long you in town for? I leave tomorrow. Amazing. And you're on a flight back to LA tomorrow.

Yep, 7 a.m. tomorrow. Okay, very good. What airline are you? American Airlines. That's a good airline. Okay, good job. I was expecting spirit from you. Luminon engineer. Amazing.

How long have you been in town? Since last week. Okay. What did you get to do in Austin this week? I did the mothership and then I did like 11 shows. You did the open mic here at the mothership? Yes. How did that go? It went really good. But didn't ask me back so. Well, it's really, I mean, yeah, you have to really, you have to do a few.

Yeah, they have to really, it's not like a one-time thing. Just to let you know, it's not like America's got talent or anything like that. You have to keep company. I mean, I was on America's Got Talent in Mexico. Oh, is it called America's Got Talent in Mexico? Is that what they call it there? Because that's a fucking ripoff. We have those, too.

We're starting to get some ripoff. No, it's called Tengo Talento, mucho talento. Oh, wow. For some reason, I'm starting to get some rip off. No, it's called, I have talent, a lot of talent. Oh wow, for some reason I'm hard as a rock right now. I don't know why, I don't know what that means, but I guess I'm into whatever that is. I love it. Karina, very fun. How do you make a living? I work as an electrical engineer.

Wow, look at you you that is absolutely incredible and how long have you been doing that. Since I was 24 so like eight years. Amazing. Amazing. So you have like your own life, your own place, you have a boyfriend. Yes. Okay how long have you been with him? Like five months. All right what does he do? He is a cancer researcher. He is a cancer researcher. How's he handled it, plus? I mean, he's six foot three. Wow. Oh, good.

You can't say stay niente with that guy, am I right? OK. Where did you meet the six foot three? Is he Mexican as well? Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Right. Okay. Where did you meet the six-foot-drazy Mexican as well? No, he's from Lithuania.

From Lithuania. Well, he's a pale tall white guy. Oh, my goodness. Look at you. Yeah, he doesn't have a green card, so I was like, he's only dating me for that, but at least I met the only guy in LA that wants to get married. Okay. Yeah.

Why have a green card when you can have a brown bitch? You know what I'm saying? I mean, that's fun. Where'd you guys go on your first date? A diner. A diner? Because he's sober. Oh.

Podcast legend Don Barris with his, you gonna take it? It's his mom. Oh shit. Karina roasting Don right now. I can't talk right now. You just picked up the phone. I can't talk right now.

Then I'm, amazing. And I was not about. I'm not about. Amazing. And I was going to speak Spanish to you. Who got acha, la bomba, sinirita, pola, loco. So you guys went to a diner? What was it like, Mel's diner? I forgot. It was like a 90s diner.

OK, maybe norms? Probably. OK, probably. All right, so you guys go to a diner and then what happens? And then he was like, do you want to watch the last of us? And he really sold me on it, and I was like, let's go to my place. Oh shit. Stupid.

Oh shit. The last of us, this is just the beginning. My goodness. So you take them back to your place, this lanky Lithuanian fucking bee-level basketball player. And then what happens? And then we watch three hours of the last of us. Three hours, that's how long it took for him to Lithuania. What?

I don't know. Well, what I would do is, like, I would get get like, really close to his face and talk to him. And then I would like move my head. And he'd be like, a zips girl crazy. Like, is she just getting me here for games? And then I kept doing it until he finally made the move. Damn, look at you, you little. You just take what you want.

I love it. Did you think she was going to kiss me there? I was really hoping she was going to spit in your mouth. Not a lot of people know this, but Don Barras famously used to have people at the comedy store females specifically. Spit in his mouth. And all that it would take for that to happen is the audience would have to chant spit in his mouth spit in his mouth Come on Don roll time It would be Hold on hold on I want the guy with the beard to do it to me. Oh Will you do it sir?

Will you do it you better not know I'm joking. I'm not doing it. No, no, no, no We do it stand up. Will you spit in his mouth for us real quick? No, I'm joking, I'm not doing it. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I didn't want to do it without his consent. He's given consent. Now will you spit in his mouth? Oh, look at this little cock block over here. Oh! Oh, how about this guy? How about you spit in my mouth, then? All right. Will you let her spit in your mouth?

Oh, I know. Do that. Come on up here. Hold on. Hold on. Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. Oh, I know to that Hold on wait a second hold on hold on hold on I just heard her go It's got to be just kind of gentle here we go. This is what is your name? I'd like to know people before there's saliva touches my mouth. I need their name

Samantha my birthday's on Wednesday. Okay, no one cares what your birthday is. What's your name? What's your name? Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers.

Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let me show you some answers. Let's all say it together spit in your mouth You'll never you'll never believe this, I could taste come. AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH Oh my god. Hey, get your fucking lips off him. Oh my god.

I love it. How about a fucking hand for Don Barris, everybody? How about a hand for Samantha? Hey, let's get Samantha to show her breasts! No, no, no. Ah! I love it. This is the type of chaos that I absolutely love.

Karina, I find you to be so interesting. Can you give us another fun fact about your life or something like that? I'm more than I was supposed to be born a twin. Oh. But I'm also a magician. So when my mom was pregnant, I made the other one disappear. Oh my goodness. I think you're also a murderer.

Oh. Wow, that is incredible. So is there like pieces of the twin inside of you somewhere? Like the glasses All right Could I have her jerk me off? No, no No Sorry sorry

She's from LA she could meet to us at any point. Anything can happen here. I'm from Compton. Oh wow. Oh my goodness. Yeah, I went to the same high school as Kendrick Lamar. Oh, so what? Oh wow. Did they tell you anything about Kendrick when he was at the school? Is that a thing that the school's proud of? They didn't know that he was going to be popular. All right. Back then he was just some kid with ADHD trying to get through, you know what I mean?

Oh, that's right. You guys don't know fucking rap references in their room. See, the shit that I hear deep in it say saying I did not see in the script we had lines I know it is incredible someone someone missed the script reading her over here All right Karina I love your style. Thank you so much for coming on the show. I'm giving you a big joke Thank you so much Karina you're going home with a gel blaster as well. You're going that way. Thank you. One more time for Karina, everybody. You know, I was about to make a smooth descent into ending this show, but then I was handed this piece of paper right here. I Doble hey I do believe Hans Kim is racing here right now

So that he doesn't have to challenge somebody nice Can I ask you something these guys went crazy when they saw that Hans is on the way? Let me tell you this. He fucked you. He didn't get here on time. A new chair like he's a hero, yeah. Spent my mouth again. That is true. Hans Kim is racing to get here right now.

I cannot imagine how unsafe the roadways are right now, with Hans Kim out there driving as fast as he can, knowing that there's over 300 people waiting for him and the possibility of a challenge coming up if he doesn't make it in time. But to stall for Hans Kim, I pulled another name out of the bucket. And of course, again, the bucket of destiny has such an amazing sense of humor

that it has given us yet another Asian comedian that we know that has been on this show before. Ladies and gentlemen, while we wait for another Asian comedian, I present to you Thai win everybody. Thai win. Hey, what's up, y'all? So I smoke an odd pot. It helped keep me Asian.

Without it, I'm Mexican. I do it so you can tell the difference between me and Hans. This year I'm working on being more vulnerable. I found that it's hard for me being an Asian male and being vulnerable because I was raised by the big Kong. So now when I'm on a date with an 80, I'll try and be vulnerable, I know her no. Hey, I text and drive. And if she's okay with that, then I'll be a little bit more vulnerable, I know her no. Hey, sometimes I have a drink or two and then drive.

And if she's okay with that, then I'll just be 100% honest. Hey, I committed manslaughter in the Volkswagen. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! And there it is, Tywin. Oh, this is so cool. Oh, yeah, one more part, go ahead, do it.

And she's okay with that. Dan is straight to anal. Fuck yeah. Absolutely, wow, standing ovation from this method. Unbelievable. Oh, were you just coming back from the restroom? Is that what I, okay, sorry about that. Ty, amazing performance man.

How about another hand for Ty, everybody? Thank you, thank you. Absolutely fantastic. You've been on the show a number of times in Los Angeles and all the different clubs here in Austin, Texas. Oh, it's my dough time. Ever on the show? Yeah, all in Austin.

Oh, in Austin. Yeah, right. But. Oh, in Austin. Yeah, right. But you were Asian of the same to you. No, that's not true. That's not true. You're a very, very special looking Asian. I specifically don't forget you.

Don Barris. Yeah, I think first of all, you were hysterically funny. Thank you. You just have an attitude. I wouldn't want to be your friend though Why is that? You seem like you really wear on people Well, you know if I was in a film that would put me as a villain like Empty didn't he?

Yeah, one of the villains Yeah, I don't think the main villain. I think one of the first to like get killed by the good guy I think you'd be good at that. Oh, but he knows martial arts, so for sure. Oh yeah, for sure. Can you show us some of the martial arts? Can we get a little martial arts music by the band? One, two, one, two, three, four.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, okay, that was pretty good. All right guys. That was good All right, I guess they all aren't the same. I feel like I just sold out my race right now. You just sold out your rice? Oh my goodness. That is like and that is the final boss in the Asian the video game if you sell all of your rights you you are the Asian of the century. I mean I am a starving artist that's why I'm on this show that's why I sign up. Okay well good news for you we have a number 23 waiting for you after this. A24. Um Thai win. Uh very very interesting.

What else about you Thai tell these people more about your life that they would be surprised to know. Give us some of the, perhaps you could show us your Val Noob O'Boss side. I I never flew a veil Well, wow, wow, he's actually a fluegerville famous. He has a hit song all about fluegerville that became really popular What yeah, what does it sound like you want the band to play behind you? Will you sing it? Yeah, I'm saying it. Okay, talk to Michael Tell Michael what it is So you don't already temple 130 BPM that's a temple. How about this? I'll just sing a couple on your final get the guy with the disability back

Here he is singing is that I'm from a city with a name. That's hard to spell. After people living here got a job at Dell. Blue shirt, gray khaki, that's my cubicle fit. Drive a Honda cord with a beautiful kit. Mean the boys hanging out in the cold assack. We drink red wine, eat trail mix snacks. The homie got drunk and he tried to rap I received complaints on the next door

Got the ring along for the pay the burger Stole my brother, cat and nidah converter When I see them sucker, I make them pay Like the grass ain't cut and I'm the H-O-A Over there I'm at the dark part, find a ton of reaper Can't go outside with the sea the fever So I thought when he knows my sneeze is a vignette

When I say Fug of bill to pee assignment. Thank you. Oh my god. Oh my god, you're like a Wu Tang, was Wu Tang. This is absolutely incredible. Holy shit. I thought that song was gonna re-bother me. I thought your voice had a song, Tony.

What? I thought you heard that song. No, no. Any red band ever show you? No, no, I don't like Red Band Show Me Anything. Anything. We are strictly business partners, an hour, 55 minutes each week,

and then two other directions. It's incredible. Wow, my goodness. Good for me. Wow, but that was amazing. You're like, M&M was on MSG. That is unbelievable. What a talent.

I mean, you know, I owe it all to the soy sauce. Yeah. Absolutely, absolutely. Absolutely. You are the soy sauce boss. Ty also has his own comedy club and it's inside of his house every week. Explain to the people what he just said. I cannot even imagine this. So I built a comedy club inside my living room. So it's a Nujik comedy club.

So that way, I don't have to go out and network with people and stuff, because I don't like networking. How are the crowds? A lot of neighbors? No, it's actually a lot of couples that go there. So it's kind of weird, because the neighbor don't know what I'm doing.

So they think I have a swing of party every Saturday night. Right. Yeah. It's like your house is like your head. It's a business in the front party in the back. Yeah. So what band doesn't tell you that, leader? No, I don't.

I don't really. What you see is what you get, guys. I mean, really, we are strictly, it's like, you know what I mean. It's like Roger Waters and David Gilmore. They do a thing together. They don't hang out. It's an old breath. I was sad.

It's like perhaps let me get one for you. It's like Bruce Lee and Jackie Chan. You know what I mean? Like, we do the same thing. I don't show. Yeah, we're not ex-enemies. Well, we can see who's boss Nihir right then. All right.

That's my man. Someone's trying to get booked to hunt. Hey, I'm looking at you on the secret show Thursday at the Sunset Strip. Yeah. I'm down. I'm down. But unfortunately for you, you chose the wrong Bruce Lee because I have two Tony and friends show one on Tuesday, one on Wednesday, but since he's Bruce Lee, I'm not booking you on him.

So I'm gonna book legends like Don Barras. You win a little, you lose a little. Yeah, it's part of the game. That's it. Yeah. That's it. That's just how the fortune cookie crumbles All right, there you go. I tell you everybody here's a here's a big joke, but you have one of these yet Have you ever gotten one of those? Okay, absolutely. It's on jury yet

He is wow ladies and gentlemen. This is one of those tie. You're going that way What's happening? Why that's the first time ever people have started to try and just happened twice in a row. Okay, ladies and gentlemen, this has never happened before where Hans has missed his spot. It's never happened before where Hans has threatened to not show up the next day. It's never happened where he faked flights being canceled

out of Newark. I think he felt the pressure I think he knew I had something at my sleep. So here with a brand new minute Holy shit, I made it Does anyone have any cocaine for me right now? I had a bunch but I lost it all at the White House. Hope you guys had a great fourth of July or I'd like to call it Juneteeteenth for white people. That's going to be an iraq again. Yeah, I was going to be a non-best out of three. I used to think I was trans, but I'm not that into women's sports or drag for children, so.

These trans people are doing the Lord's work, they're educating our children and humiliating our women. Because sometimes these bitches have to be reminded You're not that good at pickleball Don't make me put on a dress and prove it to you Thank you Look at you, buddy. Woo! Look at you, buddy. Here I was ready to have you go against one of your hardest challenges next week. And then you come in, you speed in.

Obviously, you called Yoni ahead of time. You wanted to make it, you warned him. This is absolutely incredible. And you come in without a doubt, you and Cam Patterson, the two resident regulars with the sets of the night, showing how it's done. And it should be much harder for you two guys than everybody else since you have to do this every single week. Everybody else should be doing their best minute. They should be crushing the whole way through.

You come in and you show exactly how it's done. Topical stuff, real jokes. How do you feel right now? I feel great, Tony. I was just in seat 12b. Tell us about it. Tell us about the delays and the travels. I tried to update the audience. I said that you were lying to me. At one point, I forgot to tell you guys this. At one point, he sent me a picture from the customer service line.

He goes, this is how long customer service is right now at the airport and it was like a kind of long line. I go, that's not even that long of a line. And then I remembered, I'm not kidding you by the way. And then I remembered, I have Hans Kim's location on my phone and something in my gut was telling me, he gave it to me a long time ago, so that I could yell at him when he does bad open mics and sometimes I'll see him at a bad open mic

and go, what the fuck are you good? Anyway, so I checked his location. He's at the fucking Hilton And then I go did you just Google a picture of an airport line and send it to me? I sort of got this is our dialogue. I could have been dealing with anything on a nice Sunday off and there I am going Hans make it to the fucking show Tell us more tell us about these fake delays. The real delays. Uh, shit bullshit.

It's all over the news. It's on Wall Street Journal.com. Very tricky to get over here. They canceled all the flights for the undershorms that never happened. These fucking pussies. I know, you told all the flights for thunderstorms that never happen these fucking pussies I know you told me the reserius thunderstorms coming in I looked at the weather report it was like a 40% chance I'm like what the fuck this is the weirdest life fucking

liar man I felt like I felt like you were in the room with your girl am I right no you she didn't go on this trip with you no she did it, normally you take the lady on the road with you, Don Baris. Let me smell his dick. I'll show you. Yeah. Let's find out one sin for all. That's it. That's it.

Pull out your little. It's not our worst. No, no. That only works with a spit in the mouth thing. You can't just start your own time. I feel like I'm back in the Korean war. I'm back in the Korean war. I'm back in the Korean war. I'm back in the Korean war works with a spit in the mouth thing. You can't just start your own chat.

I feel like I'm back in the Korean War. Absolutely. So you didn't have your girl with you on this trip? No, I was all alone. All alone in the extended stay. I went at 6am for the flight, didn't happen. Then I went back home and to the hotel just relax and I went the next day. Today went for the 130 flight. That was booked. I was on the stand by list so I got bumped to the 330. That was delayed till 5.30. But I got on and now I'm here at the greatest live podcast of the world. What a mess it for

the world. What a mess it for the world. Woo! Oh, my God. Tony. Yes, Don Bear. And then we have the whole audience just beat the fuck out him for long. Ha, ha, ha. No, no, no.

So let me ask you this, because normally you've been taking your girlfriend on the road with you. Why did she not end up on the road with you this weekend? Where were you again? New Brunswick. New Brunswick, New Jersey. And you went solo. Yeah.

Why did she not go with you this week? She didn't go with me this week because her friend Sophia, all right, I shouldn't have said her name. But her friend was in from London, England, for the 4th of July. So she had to hang out with her all weekend instead of coming with me. And she went out all night, 6th street, got drunk, had a great time, so I'm glad that she

has freedom to do that. What did it feel like being alone on the road? Were you lonely at all? Yeah, I was constantly checking her look. I have her look at you. How lonely were you exactly? I was her location. How lonely were you exactly? I was about seven

It's from team America world police. That is the leader of North Korea Okay, that's enough That's pretty lonely. You're so wrong. We're so wrong. We's pretty wrong. Were you so wrong, Ray? That was pretty wrong, Ray. So what did you do to pass the time? I had the Kleenex next to my bed. Yeah, that's all it takes. Hotels never, they put it in the bathroom.

I move it to the bed all the time. They don't put lotions on it. Hotels never used conditioner. Oh, fuck. It's unbelievable. to the bed all the time. They don't put lotions on it. Hotel Roots now. Did you know these conditioner? Fucking socks. Unbelievable. The old spitten conditioner. Why don't you just use the sheets? I was an extended stay, so I...

Yeah. And plus Asians don't fuck with their laundry like that. I mean, they're known for cleaning the sheets, not dirtying them, soiling them. They put the soy in soy like. Alright, okay. Hans Kim, tell us something interesting about this week or weekend. I recently realized that I might be peeing on my girlfriend a little bit. Tell us about that immediately. Because after we have sex, we're just completely naked, and then I go to the bathroom, and then there's a little dribble, and then I go cuddle her, and then I feel like she can tell

that my dick is wet. Right. She gets a little bit of that PF Chang on, or you know what I mean? So stupid. This is the dumbest show ever in the history. I don't know why anybody watches this, or is loyal to us whatsoever, it's incredible. So, man, how long had you think you've been slightly peeing

on your girlfriend? Pretty much every night. Wow. I don't see. That is Art Kelly. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That for the great Hans Kim. Very interesting Hans, I was ready if you weren't going to make it to have you challenge

your spot next week. And like I've said, that will always be on the table. If you have a rough set, you are going to be challenged for your spot. I find it to be very, very entertaining. And I find it most importantly to be an incredible way to bring out the best in you. I truly think some of the best sets that we've seen from you in the past year have been in the past month or two since I've really lit a fire under your walk. You know what I mean? And I'm gonna keep it that way, and I was so ready to have you challenge next week, but

God damn it, you fucking rush to be here, and then you came up, guns ablaze in with one of the best sets of the night. So you have to still do good next week, but you're not gonna have to challenge for your spot. We're gonna let you have it. Thank you, Tony. But if that one goes rough, then next week you're being challenged. You get it, right?

Yes. So keep it up, Hans. You're doing great work. How about one more time for the Great Hans Kim, everybody? Thank you. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Thank you, Hans Kim.

Hey, Tony. Hey, Hans Kim. Well, now, now, now, ladies and gentlemen, it has come to that time in the night where there's only one way to put a ribbon on a show like this everybody. There's one guy that never misses his flight. There's one guy that never's running late. This guy has the most sets in the history of the show, the most interviews in the history of the show. The only living kiltoni Hall of Fame member. He's the vanilla gorilla, the history of the show. The only living Kiltoni Hall of Fame member. He's the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, at least to his powdery

this time, said Bill Clinton. I'm going back to rehab, Stimming from PTSD and depression. I mean, imagine if you had dated Ariana Grande, Kate Beck and sale, Kim Kardashian, Larry David's daughter, Cindy Crawford's daughter, Christina Apple gay, Caitlin Jenner, Chelsea Clinton, Larry David's other daughter, Red Band's mom, Michelle Fiverr is cat woman. You need to press them. The more I think about it, the more I have questions about the moon landing. In fact, I'm starting to have my doubts about nots landing.

I don't know if y'all remember that movie, don't tell mom the babysitter's dead, but yeah, that's what my father told me December 14, 1992. Then he handed me a shovel. I was five years old. I didn't know what death was. OK, that's my time. That's it. Woo!

William Montgomery. Yes, Don Bairns. What about Red Band's mom, huh? I was talking. You'd be surprised. She's quite the topic of conversation. Is there a good company with all those ladies, though? Yeah, she was.

It's a real classy bunch. William, you have a real knack for some outdated references. There was a... A... A NOTS landing joke... That literally did NOTots Land at all. And then you did the famous spin off of Dallas. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, there's another one. You just did it right there. A Dallas reference. Not sure. Nots Landing is a famous spin off of Dallas. The famous television. You don't tell mom the babysitter's dead joke. Uh, have you ever thought about writing movie jokes about recent movies? the famous New Don't Tell Mom the babysitter's dead joke.

Have you ever thought about writing movie jokes about recent movies that are? I have thought about it, but it's hard, Tony. I really, I don't know. Have you gone to see any movies recently? Perhaps the new Barbie movie. No, I'm waiting to see the new Barbie movie. You're waiting to see it? What are you waiting for? Yeah, I'm waiting to see the new Barbie movie. You're waiting to see it? What are you waiting for?

Yeah, I'm waiting on a... It's not out yet, Tony. Oh, f**k. That's not out yet. There I am, Mr. How are you not in touch with what's happening in society? Wow, when to win, all right. Who gives a f**k?

You know who's killing it? Nicholas Cage. Have you killing it? Nicholas Cage. Have you seen any recent Nicholas Cage movies? Yeah, the one where he's storming that the prison on the rock. Oh, no, that's about 22 years old, William. Incredible. Yeah, that's a hell of a movie. I saw that for the first time last week.

Amazing. Amazing. I just say one thing to time last week. Amazing. Amazing. I just say one thing to really put. Absolutely. She spent my mouth earlier. It's true. She did. She did.

And he, which means he basically came in his mouth earlier because we heard a taste to see him for sure. He came in. We know we got it. We know the order of events. She is so blonde that she's explaining it everybody. He came in my mouth and then I spit in his mouth. Yes, yes, we know. We know the... we have the fucking yarn attached to the faces on the wall.

It's like all we've connected the dots. Just once. We understand how the come ended up in Don's mouth. They also have the same size shorts one. I can see both of y'all's upper thighs. I can see your pussy a little bit incredible. Those shorts are so short that I'm beginning to think that perhaps the come taste that you had Don was from her mouth, maybe he spit some other dudes come in her mouth earlier. And now.

Oh. Ah. Ah. Ah. All right. I love it. So what else is going on in life, will you Montgomery? So excited.

I'm going with Tony to Hawaii this weekend, but Tony were famously not getting our dog vaccinated. And it has been super hard trying to find a kennel to take her in. I mean, all the fucking kennels around Austin, all your dogs have to be fully vaccinated or I'm not getting my dog vaccinated. Give us some reasons why you don't want to get your dog vaccinated. I mean, I don't know if you've been reading all the news about the dog vaccinations. I mean, it turns some of them gay. I mean, I can't have...

I'm not gonna have a fucking little lesbian fucking. And for the pieces of shit, they were talking online about my little dog being scared. She wasn't scared. Mind your own fucking business. I can't find a place to keep her and a guy. I can't find a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man.

I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm a man. I'm not interested in it. The little girl loved being up here. By the way, I'm gonna start bringing the fucking dog up here. Every fucking week. And for the people that don't like me playing my synthesizer song, it's about to be a weekly thing you piece of shit. You don't like that song? Well, I like that song? Well, that's a lot of that song! It's a bunch of bitches out there talking shit, but yeah, it's... I love it. You're doubling down. You're gambling on yourself. Are you ever gonna stop playing that song?

You don't like it! You don't like it! But if anybody can look after Gator, let me know after the show. We literally have to find somebody to get to take her in. Redbean, you would. Oh, wow, look at that. That can't have your talk real good. Oh, shit. Whoa.

What does that mean? You put your fucking tick by your mouth. You perfect. Wow, William, I haven't seen you in a while. It's good to see you. Yeah nice to see you too Yeah, Don and William you guys know each other very well Don last time you saw William He was a completely bloated alcoholic But Don wasn't it fun. I swear to God every single Monday night on kiltony at the comedy store I was always off Tuesday Wednesday for myself storage unit job

So I would be at the fucking comedy store until three in the morning and Don would famously close the OR. Do you remember all of our conversations in there? It was I'd be talking to you for two hours in there. I don't know if other people didn't like it, but I was. Oh, nobody. Oh, fuck up. And answer. Nobody else liked it except me and you. Yeah, they really did not. I remember a lot of comedy store employees being like, William was annoying last night, he did this, he did that,

but I loved it so yeah. Yeah, it was fun, it's not. It's not the case. It is absolutely incredible. William, what else before we let you go? I don't know, I mean, I'm super pumped about that. And also, y you all have to know Tony told me on Saturday or maybe I shouldn't even see you say this but he said it was my best said I've ever had

It was very sweet that is coming for Tony and it was it felt other than one time I thought I was having a heart attack my chest started hurting for about two seconds I thought I was having a heart attack. My chest started hurting for about two seconds. During that, my best set I've ever had, I felt as well, my heart literally started hurting. So I thought I was about to die on stage. Well, that might be good for you. That might be good for you,

because that was the best set you've ever had. I mean, 25 minutes of absolute, absolute crush, fucking fire kill, everything was wild. William is indeed going with me on this massive theater tour for the rest of the year August all the way through December giant massive theaters so we're getting in shape for that he's gonna be on the Tony and friends shows tomorrow the next day we're going to Hawaii then we have three weeks off and then 26 cities massive theaters

Exciting stuff Exciting stuff indeed you're gonna you're gonna not retire right you're gonna keep doing comedy Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty sure hold on what did you ever gonna stop doing comedy? Unless I have a heart attack on stage. Well, that's not really a kind of a momentum killer. Yeah. Really brought the energy to a halt there, the old, if I have a heart attack.

But I never go have a heart attack. That's right. That is right. I'm never gonna have a heart attack. So that is true. You are never going to have a heart attack. So that is true. You are never going to have a heart attack. William, everybody loves you. We love you.

And that was that funny bitch. God. I wanted to slap that chick all night. I know what you mean. She has a little bit of an attitude problem. It's because she is waiting for that guy to die. Is that true? Just a family here?

Yeah, it's a family. Don't let the sun start to answer. I just want to tell the daughter, you look good. I mean, real good. Alright, well uh, okay. Thank you to the piece of shit that just threw me at the dude you're not allowed to do that. I'm gonna kill you right after the show. Someone throw a car at you. What is that? The hot wheel score.

Why would someone throw a hot wheel at you? What the fuck were you thinking? Do you mess? Why did you throw the hot wheel? Have a descent of a life up here right now. Oh Jesus, sorry. I mean what the fuck were you thinking dumbass? Why did you throw the hot wheel? Oh Jesus, all right, the ladies and gentlemen one more time for the great and powerful William Montgomery everybody The drawing from Ryan J. E belt is in that's available at Ryan J. E belt com. He draws every single episode While this episode was happening he drew that amazing picture of Don Barris that you're seeing on your screen right now. Don Barris, literally the creator of my favorite and a lot of your favorite comedians, favorite comedians, favorite comedians, and Big three podcasts and simply don the podcast network, the Ding Dong show, the longest running

show with the comedy store. Literally, if it wasn't for this guy at the comedy store, having his own show, Kiltoni never even would have been created. He was the only person that ever did a show different than a normal standup show at the comedy store, which completely inspired this show. How about one more time as loud as you can get an ATX welcome for the great Don Barris, everybody. Yeah.

Yeah. Thank you to Joe Blaster, the Red Rose, the LROS Austin Security Guard Service and Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskambo, one more time for the best Sam Manlant. Michael Gonzalez, Paul Deemer, de-mandance, and the great Dave Sheer joining us on guitar tonight. Some brand new exclusive Killtony mothership merch on your way out,

only available right now. And let's check out the artwork from local artist, Chris Rogers. Oh, little Aaron Belial, who's got another A.G.T. appearance coming up. Rock and fucking roll, Red Band. Check out my new club, the Sunset Strips, SunsetStripATX.com. Right, I love it.

Come see me do stand up tomorrow night and the next night, Secret Show on Thursday. Go see the band, up tomorrow night and the next night's secret show on Thursday. Go see the band the other nights. Don Barrison friends is tomorrow night in the Tony Hinge. That's right. I'm going to be on there. And they're going to be on my show. It's going to be a lot of fun. Very incestual comedy happenings here to you.

The best comedy fans on planet Earth. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. I don't know 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc

1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc ... ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ Thanks for watching! you you