KILL TONY - #622 - JIM NORTON

Episode Date: August 8, 2023

Jim Norton, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Jules Durel, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 07/17/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:LIQUID-IV.COM -GET 25% OFF ANY ORDER WITH PROMO CODE: “TONY” AT: LIQUID-IV.COM—EXPRESSVPN.COM – GET 3 FREE MONTHS BY GOING TO: EXPRESSVPN.COM/KILLTONY—FACTOR! – Head to FACTORMEALS.COM/KILLTONY50 and use code “killtony50” to get 50% off your first box.—CONZURI – On top of 30% off the site, our listeners get an extra exclusive 15% Off discount at conzuri.com---SHEATH - ww.sheathunderwear.com use code: "TONY"

Hey, this is RedBan and you are listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. If you want to check out our merch, go to shop squad.tv for Desquad merch and tour dates or go to Kill Merch for all the Kill Tony merch, including posters, hats, shirts and hoodies, Kill Merch.com. ToneHinchCliff is a huge tour right now so check out his website to find more information that's ToneHinchCliff.com. I have a brand new comedy club. It's next door to the mothership. It's called the Sunset Strip Comedy Club,

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Make some noise for the great powerful Jim North. Here we go, baby. The great chip norton's fresh off of an amazing weekend here at the Mother Ship on Torridjimnorton.com. Welcome back, Jim. Thank you. It's nice to be here. And I appreciate that bit of a lackluster response from the audience. We're going to have a lot of fun here tonight. You know how it works. Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull one of these names out, that means they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then

or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which just interrupts them and then we talk to them. I interview them, we find out more about them, what makes them interesting, what makes them different, maybe how to make their jokes better, maybe something else they could talk about. I'm pre-picking the first name out of the bucket because we already have someone on deck to start the show.

He is indeed one of the regulars, ladies and gentlemen. He famously, two and a half years ago, was broke, living in his van. Since then, we've seen him make a meaty York. Meaty or meaty or meaty. What? Meaty or meaty or meaty. mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre, mediocre him hit high highs, some low lows. Right now he is in a position where if he doesn't absolutely excel with his minute the next week He is challenged by a challenger that could become the newest regular on the show We've found out that this method keeps him in tip-top shape and trying his hardest every week Just threaten his job every single week starting off tonight show with a brand new 60 seconds and an interview

makes some noise. Sing along if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. Thank you. I feel bad for the girls that have to have sex with me because after I finger them they're like, well that's the best that's to have sex with me. Because after I finger them, they're like, well, that's the best that's going to get. I'm glad affirmative action is now illegal, because I'm sick of all these minorities and my colleges. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think a college classroom should look like a dollar general.

I think it should look like the screening of sound of freedom. All white people. I love how white people are so bored, they're now rescuing other people's children. Minorities, we don't even care about our own children that much. If I got molested, my dad would be like, good. Maybe this will make him better at violin. Thank you. Hans Kim. Fun stuff, Hans.

I actually love that finger joke that you did. Thank you, Tony. That was amazing. It's incredible that you can still kick out new funny jokes about your tiny Asian penis. I thought we've heard them all. So give that keeps on giving. And you really let the laugh come.

I like that. People were laughing and you were ready to talk. And you're like, not fucking. I'm going to count down from 60. Let them laugh for a couple more seconds. Good for you. Fucking molesting joke. You are terrific.

I enjoyed your life. You started strong. You ended sexy. Indeed. You really did. Did your dad. Indeed, you really did. Did your dad try to make you learn violin? Did your Asian parents make you try to do Asian things growing up? Can you give us some examples of some of those things?

He wouldn't let me watch TV at night or on the weekends, and I got really mad and I punched a hole in the wall. Oh, shit, that's an an after school special, dad! Yeah. That's incredible. That is so like Asian to punch a hole through the wall. Did you think about kicking the wall first? Did you punch it like that with like a hand?

Like a hand? Like, Pymay or something like that? Perhaps. I just did an American boxing style. Ah, okay. Fuck you, dude. Oh, wow, wait. That was incredible.

That made us sound. Do it again. I hate you. Oh, wait. The timing of it is just perfect. Can you guys do it one more time? It's incredible to watch you two work together. Fuck you.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha nine minutes after that. Wow. Where was that at? Raleigh, North Carolina. OK. Did you open with the same joke about fingering a girl? That's a great one on the road to open with. Yeah, it was in there. Good for you, but did you open with it? No.

OK, yeah. I don't know. Really, that's a maker-break joke. They're going to love you or hit your gut through it. Yeah. It's a good temperature reading. Yeah, literally. Look at my dick.

When you finger, when you finger a girl hunts, what finger do you use exactly? I use the middle finger. Whoa, this guy's he's going for distance. He's going for speed. Yeah. I fucked up. I've used the thumb.

That's a real... It's hiker. I figure you might go with the pinky this way when you're dick, you can exceed the expectations of the pinky, you're fucking up throwing your biggest finger out there. Do you have to let it finger? Do you have to? Do you have to? So, let me ask you this, your middle you have to? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I mean at the plug, if you... Uh... Not everybody's on a...

The TikTok out here. It's a dick, it's not... Alright, fuck. It's not like you're a dick, Tony. I heard some things in the great way. That's crazy. You've heard nothing about my dick, Hans. Oki-doki.

Yeah. I... Goddamn it. I don't want people knowing about my huge dick. Oh, okay, dokey. Yeah. Goddamn it. I don't want people knowing about my huge dick. Stop it, guys. Stop embarrassing me in front of our people. It's very, very normal, guys. I'm just like one of you. Stop with the horse.

Okay, there's a lady squirting in the corner right now. Hans, anything else we should know about you before continuing on? I drove my girlfriend on my mo-ped, but she was drunk. She sort of passed out on the back. Oh shit. Yeah. I thought there was a step to a joke. She was on there because she was sitting on my dick Yeah. Yeah. I thought there was a set up to a joke. That's just a story.

Yeah. Yeah. She was on there because she was sitting on my dick and it didn't keep her on there very well. Wait. You had her in front of you? No. I was just trying to put a punchline on it.

That's weird. You actually snaked your dick back under you. You rode a rope back. Yeah. It's more like a ropey heart on. No. No. She like a ropey hard on No, no, she was a ropey hard on The last little cattle with it. Yeah, this fucking guys a ropa right here You guys this is his name is actually ropey hard on. I don't know if you've met him before There's a header in a healer if you don't know what I'm talking about you don't know shit about shit

Because I know all about it. It's called a team rope and you know what I mean and You just fucking you take the rope and you just fucking swing it around your fucking claw and then you throw it out there like that You see that Jim you see this guy I heard you talking to him and I see who you mean. You see what that fucking, he's got a stapler for a right hand. I love that. I love that. I love you in Jurassic Park.

Yeah. Yeah. Hans, you got the show started tonight. I love it. You do it every single week. You will not have to challenge for your spot next week. I love what you're doing. I think you're hitting Peacons Kim career style.

Lot of great new stuff lately. I love it. Make some noise for Hans Kim everybody. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. I pre-pulled the second name. And now, for the first name out of the buckets and I, we're

gonna meet them all together. Historically, one word names on the show end up being very interesting characters. I feel like this is going to be interesting. Make some noise for the Killtony debut of Co-Jack. Everybody, here we go. 60 seconds of stand-up comedy, and then interview, this is Co-Jack, everybody, here we go. 60 seconds of standard comedy, and then interview. This is Co-Jack. Hey, what's up?

My name is Co-Jack, and if you haven't seen my my pearls and my finesse, I am black. And gay, let's go, baby. I'm black and gay. That means I get in trouble. My way boyfriend brings macaroni salad to the cookout. I'm black and I'm gay. I sag my pants.

But I want you to show off my cute underwear. Hey, I'm black and I'm gay. Cam knows about that. Cam pulls his pants up when he's around me. I'm black and I'm gay. I can say figured nag it. And not get in trouble, bitch. I'm black and I'm gay.

After I shoot my boyfriend's mouth, I yell, Kobe! Then I helicopter my dick. I'm black and I'm gay. I get my reparations from swallowing unborn white children. Woo, my privilege says so good. I get taste of trust funds. born white children. Woo, why privilege they so good. I can taste the trust funds.

I'm black and I'm good. All right, there it is. He's got a catch for his folks. Welcome to the show, Kojak. This is your first time here. I would remember if I've seen you before. I'm here for the horsecock. I heard a horsecock.

No, no, no, no, no, it's very, very, very tiny. Very tiny. Oh, I'm here for it. Very tiny. Nice to meet you, Kojak. I'm Tony and believe it or not, I'm white and I'm straight. Uh, I believe you. I love it. Are you really black and gay?

I am black and I'm gay, baby. Holy shit. That's like, that's like your, you might be a redneck, but instead you just say, I am black and I'm gay, baby. Holy shit. That's like your, you might be a redneck, but instead you just say I'm black and I'm gay. Do you know that everybody knows that you're black and you're gay? That with the necklace and the skin color, it is a dead giveaway. You are a...

Blatantly black and gay guy. Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. How long you been doing stand up, Kojak? About a year, off and on. About a solid year, about a solid year. Solid year, rock solid, hard as a rock. Hard as a rock. I'm from Philly.

OK. Anybody from Philly? No, you don't do. Don't ask your own questions here. And how long have you been Philly and guys up with Cum? I lost my gag reflexive 14. Oh wow. Philly is a very tough area. Was it tough being being gay and Philly? I'm being black and Philly is very easy, but was it tough being...

Oh yeah, I was in the hood. 22nd of Diamond, baby. Temple University. Oh my God. Now the only time you're in the hood is when you're with an uncircumstized guy. Now you're the hood inside of you. My boyfriend's Puerto Rican.

Oh really? Yeah, he's cut though. Okay. Yeah, most Puerto Ricans have been cut at some point. Normally by a shank in prison, but. Oh yeah, he comes. Okay, where'd you meet the Puerto Rican boyfriend at? Grindr.

And you saw his bio and it just said I'm brown and I'm gay and you're like, this is going to be good. Were you seeking someone cut? Or was that just a bonus? Oh, that was a bonus. I don't like that old extra. It was like a deli-stick pepperoni when you had to peel the skin back.

Well, I'll never be able to eat one of those again. Yes. Yes. Not a slim gem. Yeah, yeah. I don't put no thin pipe in my windpipe. Wow, you have a lot of gay catch phrases. Yeah, I should.

My goodness. All right. Run HIV. I like your style. This is incredible. I'm black and I'm gay. That's a lot of AIDS. I've been dipping in time in my whole life, baby. Okay.

All right. You're wearing a tank top, but you seem like a tank bottom. Am I correct about this? I do it all. Okay. You do everything. I do it all, baby. The Puerto Rican boyfriends find with that.

Yeah, he's like a small one. The small Puerto Rican like a pocket. You just had him taller than you and you called him small. Yeah, I like him small. Like, you know when like a small dog mounts a big dog and it's kind of funny. Yeah. Oh, I love it. He's a spinner. Yeah It's like a two-ovo on a great day Okay, I got you. You don't need a name anymore dog

I got it. It's a little guy getting fucked by a big guy. I got it Oh, he on a horse. It's like a winner dog in a massive It's like a terrier and like, I, we got it. What do you do for work, Coach? I'm a waiter. You're a waiter. Full time, baby. Okay.

Sound of steaks. What? Sound of steaks. Okay. At a steakhouse. Yes, sir. All right. Very good.

How are you? Yeah, go. I was asked why the name code. Is that a nickname or is that your actual name? It's a high school nickname. Why they call it that? Bald head baby who loves you, baby? Oh, co-Jack from an old show. Yeah, yeah, I need 150 You know what the fuck you talking about I get it. We're old. I look young, but I'm on the same age probably really old you yeah 44 You look older I love it. Kojak, you live here now?

A little face-was. Huh? What? You live here now? Yeah, here. Okay, how long have you lived here? About a year and a half. What do you love about Austin, Texas?

Oh, I got a hand job from a twink, what a mullet at the lake. They don't have that in Philly. Okay, was this a name Uncle Laser? Yeah. Yeah. A hand job at the lake. Were you in the lake when it happened?

Well, I was on the boat, baby. Wow. Black people on the boat. Hulla. Okay, yes, they usually are hollering for help. Black people on a boat. You've got to love it. How did you get the hand job? How did you pull that off, so to speak? It was an old nude.

It was a hippie hollow. So everybody was naked. So, wow. So just a bunch of jobs everywhere. Gay guys on a boat just come everywhere. God, I'd rather take a submarine down to the Titanic than hug it. Exhausting. I sucked a lot of dick to get here. Okay. Alright. Awesome. To get here, you know you just signed up on a piece of paper. The guy behind the curtain wouldn't open it. You got to sign my dick. You're not going out there. Incredible. Kojak, you know, being gay, it seems like you guys get to do whatever you want.

Was your Puerto Rican boyfriend on the boat with you That's funny to you. I didn't know I was asking a serious question Yeah, he was with some black dude. Oh Okay, okay, we're open. We're semi open. Okay. Yeah, don't get any ideas. No, no, no, no I'm not don't worry but If you ever if you ever had any close calls? Have you ever thought maybe you got AIDS or something

one night? HIV, whatever. I know. I know you guys get all serious about it. Yeah, we got a plan B poll for that. Oh, you do? Yeah. They cured HIV and AIDS, by the way.

OK. Nobody has that anymore. D-Mannness does not seem to agree with you at all. He's a famously homophobic demonet uh old school black man doesn't just will not will not go with the flow on it whatsoever. He cannot believe he he is literally angry that there is a pill that cures AIDS. If D-Matinist found out that sucking a dick would cure his blindness, he'd be like, I'm good.

My fault, man. My fault, I don't like sucking dick, man. I'm just good at it, you know. Alright, Kojak, we're not gonna win back D-Man. Alright, Kojak, fun times. Congratulations. We got a little joke book for you. Actually, you know what? Since you're gay, we're gonna give you a keychain. We have new keychains from Bones's eye. Handmade says Katie go home. There you go.

Go Jack, absolutely. I love you guys, hang out! Very fun. He's black and he's gay, folks. Go Jack. Alright, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's all meet him together. Your next comedian goes by the name of Alex Hamptman.

Alex Hamptman. Here we go everyone. Oh, what the fuck is up? Comedy mother shit! Alright, I got a question. How do you guys feel about bird watchers? That's the right answer. I'm pretty skeptical too, right? I mean, who else do we know that likes to hang out and bushes with a pair of binoculars with hopes that they're going to catch a sweet, sweet glimpset of fine specimen? Right?

It's a bit of a hot take, but I think the bird watchers are just perverts on their best behavior. I'm not sure if I'm right. that a fine specimen. Right? It's a bit of a hot take, but I think that bird watchers are just perverts on their best behavior. I can't even tell you how fucking stoked I am to be here right now. It took me three flights to get here.

And on one of them, I had this lady, and she just kept trying to get me to go in the lavatory with her. And, you know, don't get me wrong, I've always wanted to make it into the mile high club. There's just one thing wrong with this lady. She was no less than 85 years old. Now, don't get me wrong, I love cave diving in ancient ruins as much as the next guy. But I work in architecture and I can recognize an unstable structure when I see one. Alex, camp, man.

You think you like cave diving. You should have seen the last comedian up here. So let's talk about it, Alex. You called it a laboratory Laboratory laboratory laboratory. Why do you call it that? That's what you're saying what? That's what you're saying what? The laboratory Okay, yeah, you could call it whatever you want. I've heard it a lot of different ways

You can call it a laboratory if you want to enunciate it a laboratory Oh, the laboratory you want to probably I usually just call it my mouth But my question is is why are you calling it that instead of a bathroom? Because that's what they call it read the sign. It says laboratory Ah, now I've convinced you to go with the laboratory all of a sudden I've completely changed your enunciation I like that you started with the bird watching a lot of people are afraid to wait into that Because we're such a polarized nation, but you're like fuck this shit right into the bird watching Suggest suggestion would be the opening line of that bit should be I think that bird watchers are just perverts on their best behavior.

That should be the opening line and you can kind of back the joke a little bit but I think that's a funny thought to start with. Alright, yeah. Appreciate it. No doubt. Absolutely. Great advice. Straight to the good stuff. And you also gave a lot of information on your, you said that you're stoked to be here.

You took three flights to be here, but that didn't really apply to the story that you told about the old lady. How, where did you come from to where it was three flights? I flew all the way here from Oregon. Oregon. Wow, I mean, that is unbelievably, the people here in this room tonight think that things are farther away than they actually are. I flew from a faraway land.

The 39th state of the United States of America. Three flights, so was that just cost-effective to take the three flight? $11. $11? No way. Miles. $11. $11? No way. Miles and $11. Wow.

Look at that. Which flight did the old lady want to fuck you on? Yeah, which leg of the flight was that? San Diego Dostin. Yeah, you can't. She had done it for the story. That would have been a great opening line. I fucked at 85, you old woman on the way here.

You got my attention. 85? 85? I mean, that's out of your range? I coded it 76. Okay. That's very patriotic of you. That's his range, 17 to 76. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Look at you dirty fuck Alex. What do you do for work? I'm an architect. Oh So it's like I am long Island. They just arrested that serial killer. I didn't hear about that architect a big halking architect. Yeah, shit. That was about it You're a good company and how long you been doing stand-up Alex about a year where at in Oregon?

Where in Oregon? I know so I find it strange that you just keep calling by the state. Central Oregon in Bend. Okay, like Eugene? No, no, Bend, Oregon. Oh, got you. Got you. Yeah. How far from Portland?

Two and a half hours. Ah. Yeah. I don't know, I think about Oregon. I said. I don't know. I forget I don't know. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said.

I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said.

I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said.

I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon, I said. I don't know, I think about Oregon with my girlfriend. How long were you with her for? Four years. Four years and you just broke up with her. Why? Two months ago. What made you break up with her? She was 72 and he met her. She couldn't bend anymore. No, she fuck Eugene. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We moved to Oregon from California and she wanted to move back to California. Where in California? L.A. Okay.

What made you move from L.A. to the middle of Oregon? Because I went from a studio apartment to a three bed house with a garage for the same price. Right. A three bed house with a garage in the middle of fucking nowhere. Mmm, don't know how to tell you to try it. No. I'm going to knock it't not get to tell you try it. No. I'm gonna knock it, and I'm never gonna try it. I like a thing called civilization.

I think socializing is good for the mind. Who do you hang out with out there? Is it like a little beetled juice town? There's just a guy sitting outside of a shop, you just ring everything in yourself and walk out, I like, say a lighter, Pete. I was just talking to himself. Now I hang out with all the homeless people that live in the desert

out there. You have homeless people in the desert? Oh, yeah. Wow. Do you move during the pandemic? Just at the end of, yeah. Oh, OK. You like, property value is really low.

So you decided to go there. Locked it down. And the world opened up again, and you're like, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I here? Yeah. I find it hard to believe that there's homeless people there. Locked it down. And the world opened up again and you're like, what the fuck am I doing? Why am I here? Yeah. I find it hard to believe that there's homeless people there. Do they not know about the incredible property value rates that are happening there in the middle of nowhere? I don't know. They're really in a position to take advantage of that. How much would a studio apartment be there? 18. 18 dollars. 100 dollars. That seems way high for being two hours outside of Portland.

Yeah, it does. It seems really high. It is. So you're with your girl for how long? Four years, and you broke up because she was in Portland, or Oregon for a little while, and she was just like, fuck this. We moved there together, and then she wanted to leave, and I didn't want to come back to California.

Oh, OK. So did she go back to California? Yeah. Right, absolutely. How did go back to California? Yeah. Right, absolutely. How did you break up with her? Did you sit her down face to face? Were you at dinner? Was it in the morning?

Were you in bed? Were you in the shower? She was on the toilet. Like, what's the setup here? Pain a picture for us. Well, she broke up with him. You might have been looking through a hero's Los Angeles.

Didn't see the hook or head. Oh no. She's going home. I should have just shut up. No, I was a gentleman and I drove her down to California and then we got her all the stuff unpacked from the car and I was like, well, see ya and drove back up. Wait a second, she didn't know that you were breaking up with her. There was some rumblings of it and then it was official.

What did she not wonder why you were loading her possessions into a U-Haul? Did she just go everywhere with all her shit? LAUGHTER Most interesting thing about you before we let you go, Alex. I grew up in a meditation cult in Iowa. Meditation cult. Tell us more about this meditation cult. I'm pretty sure the last comedian

was probably raised in a meditation cult as well. Yeah, it's called Transcendental Meditation. And yeah, I used to meditate before and after school every day at the top floor of my school with all my classmates. That's really not that horrible. That was nice. Yeah, I mean, it's actually like, it's like, why are you calling it a cult?

Yeah. Because it's pretty culty. Everyone wears beige all the time. Everyone's houses face exactly the same direction. Everyone's vegetarian and very bland. Not exactly correct. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, all right, meditating.

What was, did anyone ever molest you or anything? That's how you know it's a cult. I got I got out when I was 14 So I escaped that how long do they wait to molest people? What fucking lazy pedophiles? I'm not fucking that kid till he can drive over here Come on get used the produce while it's still good, you know what I mean 14 I Love it Alex

Congratulations fun times Here's a here's a little jose book for you my friend congratulations. Oh, yeah good catch off the bank. All right Well There goes Alex. Ladies and gentlemen, this is something has happened here, which I cannot believe. I know for a fact that this young lady has signed up for the show a few times over the many years that we've done this show, there has been a few times where she has said,

or a red man has told me, you know who's signed up tonight, so and so. And her name is never, ever, not once, been pulled out of the bucket. And right now, for the very first time, it has happened. I can't believe what I'm about to say right now. Ladies and gentlemen, making her Killtony debut, 10 years, 10 years. Oh, I got. The Kill Tony, debut of Red Band,

Girlfriend. The place isn't pay off. It's definitely about to happen. We're going to wait till she arrives. She's probably going to try to roast me, right? Now, the real deal, ladies and gentlemen, the first lady of Bill Tony, this is Janice everybody. Hi. Oh, what the fuck? Okay, so my mom is super religious and she doesn't believe in gay people.

So I was like, okay mom, what would you do if I was gay? And she was like, I'd stuff you back into my womb. And me could come out all over again. And I was like, damn, mom, that's pretty gay. That's pretty gay. So, I have hemorrhoids. And sorry. I was like, so if you have hemorrhoids, it really sucks going to the bathroom, like poop in the public restrooms.

Because, you know, those one-ply papers, they don't really work out, so I have to take a... Anyway, so I've come up with this method where you spit on it. And that's what you do. The only problem with that is that every time you go to the restroom now, your mouth starts to water. Oh my God. Our sweet little chance with without a doubt as far as the bucket pulls the set of the night so far.

Absolutely incredible. I mean, that was amazing. It's so funny because I literally asked you guys in the green room earlier, I go, how long have you two been together now? And it's over seven years, right? Amazing. Janice, welcome.

This is so surreal to see you over there. And opening joke told us that your mom doesn't like your boyfriend. Ha ha ha. Stop it. So let's get right into it, Janice. What made you want to sign up for the show? How long have you wanted to do this for? Well, I've been watching this show for like over seven years now.

Yeah, you knew about the show before you met Redban. You like slid into his DMs, right? Yeah. Look at that. Look at Redban. Look what he gets in his DMs, right? Yeah. Look at that. What was your open red band getting? Look what he gets in his DMs, this fucking guy. It was Snapchat DM. What the fuck? Oh my goodness. What was your opening line to Red Band? Hey, I think you're cute, but forget about anal. Ha, ha, ha.

A anal was involved. Wow. Janice, you're fucking, you're good at this. I've been watching for a long time. Adorable. I love it. The gay joke was hysterical. That's pretty gay. The hemorrhoids thing. I mean, I didn't know hemorrhoids, but you could catch that from your boyfriend. That's incredible.

Didn't realize that's an STD. You ripped hairs in the asshole lining. It starts to happen more. Okay, thank you, red band. Uh... Dr. Red Band. Explaining how hemorrhoids work. So Janice, what else is going on in life? Tell these people about yourself. Well, I like to crochet.

I like to sew. I like to do things with my hands. So I like to do all the things the little kids in China like to do things with my hands. So I like to do all the things the little kids in China like to do. Yeah. Absolutely. She made us all new iPhones for Christmas. Awesome. And you are your Chinese. Korean.

Oh, okay. I should have known that. I should have known that. I would never have known that. Oh, okay, I should have known that. I should have known that. I would never tone her up. Oh, okay. Korean, absolutely. So that's fun and you are born and raised where? Here. Right, in America. The greatest country on planet Earth. Okay, how do you like Austin? I mean, it's great. Good answer. Tell us, what do you do for work? I just have my last day of work.

I'm retired. Yeah. Perfect. What'd you do? Just... Medial jobs here and there, you know. Okay, so do you do stand-up regularly? No, this is my first ever roll set.

How about a hand for J. Wow! Alright, we're four minutes and 52 seconds into the interview, so let the fun begin. Tell us what Red Band's body looks like. Yeah. Describe it to us. Because he seems like the guy that swims with a t-shirt on.

I want to know more. I want to know what's going on. How many belly buttons does he have? Here's one just like you. Oh yes, we're all completely equal here. Yeah. Now, how sex with Red Band? I have to ask, girls, we're all completely equal here. How sex with red band I have to ask girls the people will say that I pussyed out

So can you describe does red band have any special moves in the bedroom? Does he move it all in the bedroom? I guess it's a better question. He's actually Like I'm impressed every time. Wow. Who's my little big potato? Who's my sweet little big potato? Well it doesn't mean she comes. She's just impressed. He just keeps trying. I like the attitude. Oh. His cardio is impressive. What? No, now I know you're lying. No, no, no, I'm serious. This is incredible. You just quit your menial jobs.

We know who's picking up the tab over here. Oh, yeah, he fucks the shit out of me. I mean he just dicks me down like it wouldn't believe I love it. Is he a giving lover like is he more care about your needs more than his own? Yeah to the point where sometimes I'm like just chill out. Yeah, yeah, oh yeah We know no one loves eating out more than Redban. Yeah. Oh. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it is so big. Sound the fastest. I've never seen his hat pull this far down, by the way. It's like incredible. It's incredible. There's just a nose hanging out underneath the brim.

You cannot see anything right now. He has the same visual range as de-madness for the first time ever. What an epic moment this is. I mean, you have been with the show through I mean I've I've had what three or four relationships through the entire time the Janice has been here rock solid with you it is amazing can you tell us what do you love about Red Band the most? Okay, yeah, I know it's good. Are you sure you want to do this? Whoa!

I don't know whether it be sincere or not. It's be sincere, yeah. This is the time to be sincere. Well, I love that he's like a sweet person, kind person, but also that he's always just done his own thing. And he's very firm in that, you know? And it works, it's worked out really well for him, so I'm proud of him for that.

Oh my God. How cute. Very nice. Turn it up. I ask, what do you love about him the least? Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh, cute. Very nice. Ha ha ha. Turn it up. Can I ask? What do you love about him the least? Ah. Ha ha.

It's kind of the same thing. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. You got it. You're a fucking natural dude. You know what?

Next week, you're challenging Hans Kim for our regular spot. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Uh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh All time. Fuck you Red Band. It's gonna be fun. We're gonna have a fucking... Not the first time two Koreans have battled. Uh, it's going down next week. This is incredible. Same.

Kim vs. Min. Pad vs. Ty. Oh boy. General Sov vs. Kang Pao in a battle of the Titans. Janice, you are so naturally likable and funny that it is absolutely incredible. I'm excited to see a new minute next week. We have to do it.

You're very, very special, so sweet. What an amazing performance. And you know what? You're getting a big joke book. No doubt about there you go and a Jill Blaster and I'm pretty sure you can perform on the secret show of your first time Red Band hasn't invited a girl to the secret That's a cock-block, Tony. Ooh! Fuck me up, by the way.

That really fucked me up. Oh, my, that could not have gone any better. I'm so glad that she did so good. Because that could have been fucking awkward as hell. This shows crazy. Anything gonna happen. I'm repolling a name for one pull from now because we have a special treat for you guys. We have a golden ticket winner famously from

five or six years ago. Out of Phoenix, Arizona, he now lives in New York. Golden ticket winner means that when we're doing a road show, if we find someone absolutely extremely exceptional, they can perform a minute on the show anytime they want for the rest of the history of the show. So this guy is now visiting from New York City. We found him when he was... oh my god, we found him. The day before is 21st birthday. 20 years old when he started on the show, he's so fantastic. Make some noise for the mother-ship Killtony debut. A golden ticket winner. Tristan Bowling, everybody.

A legend of Kill Tony. Oh, how the fuck we do in Kill Tony, huh? Yeah! Who years tried to kill themselves, huh? Yeah, me. I am, I am, pills, pills. Not like, blah, like you'd be, you'd be able to tell. Uh, if I was just up here visibly inspiring, no. Pills, bills, not like, blah! Like you'd be able to tell.

If I was just up here visibly inspiring? No. No, I was thinking, this is why I think, I was thinking about it. I think this is one of the silliest ways to kill yourself. Hear me out. And tell you to be like it. So on Halloween day, on Halloween day, you blow your brains out in your front lawn

with the bowl of candy in your lap. And then all night people are like, his decorations are nuts. Like that's it. Kind of funny. Like you make the news if not World Star Hip-hop. Berger. Berger. Is it this white boy wild in?

Like that's it. Thank you. Fantastic. That's exactly how he does things. Tristan Bowling. Another amazing performance. Yeah. I'm black and I'm gay.

I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah. Is anyone done that yet? No. Yeah. That was funny, man. Really funny. I love a good suicide joke, and it went somewhere really

hilarious. Thank you. Thank you. I've seen, we've been down the same block, you know? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Screaming into a gun. Singing. I sing into one. I don't scream.

A Thespians. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think that's a part of LGBTQ now. Thespians? It is true. A lot of stand-up comedians kill themselves. Never the ones we want. Yeah, not enough.

Yeah, turns out there's not a rope in the world strong enough to hold up. F***ing. Yeah, not enough. Yeah, it turns out there's not a rope in the world strong enough to hold up We have to believe that because that's a stand-up joke that I knew now Anyway Tristan how old are you now? 25 25 I love it and you moved from Phoenix to New York. How long ago? I love it and you moved from Phoenix to New York. How long ago? Eight months eight months ago. You were always my Phoenix opener always super consistent One of the amazing towns Phoenix actually has a really good crop of comedians coming up there There's also Luis

Nature And so let's talk about it. How's New York been treating you? Because you were depressed, your suicide jokes come from your time in Phoenix. I remember you, you've always been a little chemical limb balance. It makes sense. I mean, life's got to be weird when you look like both the pedophile and his victim at the same time. They don't let me in school zones, Tony. Even though you have class. Yeah.

I'm teaching you. Get the fuck out of here. No, no, it's nice. I do a lot of, I do, I've been doing mushrooms during the day. Ah, yeah. Yeah. Just going to Central Park, staring at other kids' kids, you know? Yeah.

Do you cool shit? No, it's, it's, it's, it' kids, you know? Yeah. Dude, cool shit. No, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's, I've been eating, I've been eating so many hot dogs. Okay. I love it. You just, are you, you eat the bun, too? No, oh yeah, I put it in my ass first. I know, yeah. It's not, it's not, it's not.

Eating so many hot dogs, I thought Kojak was back up. I didn't eat. The old Weiner shizzle. Yeah. Are you depressed anymore or are you better? It flocks you, you know. There you go, folks. That goes to show you the power of hot dogs

everybody out there. Listen, if I got a little glizzy, day's changed. It puts a little pep in my step. When was the last time you had a hot dog, Tony? I don't eat those anymore. Why are you two straight for hot dogs? No, I don't eat bread and the thought of eating a hot dog. Oh, so you're gay? You don't eat bread?

No, yeah. Totally. That's what gay is. By the way, everybody knows. I don't know if you guys know this, but I actually had to march in the parade because no bread. It's LGBTQNB now. I'm the NB, no bread. No bread, gay is fucked. Yeah, just crying out in front of a watsil pretzel. Yeah.

This guy roped me at one point. I was trying to enjoy my gay parade. All of a sudden, there's a rope around my neck and a guy has me in a rear naked choke with a by a rubber band He's got you the grasshopper hold dude. It's fucking hell yeah, okay So, Tristan tell us about New York. How's it going? What's happening? It's dope dude. I'm having a lot of fun I do a podcast out there if you don't know is it final stop? Okay sure final stop is it about suicide? You know what? It sounds... Yeah it's just me going around New York.

I mean like this is the best bitch to drum for. Like a lot of people don't know you can get from the World Trade Center straight on to some dudes car. All right let's go let's really talk about this suicide. How did you try to kill yourself? Oh you just give me or him. How did you try to kill yourself? Oh, you're asking me or him? You're asking me. Just taking a lot of pills. What kind of pills? It was a Xanax Ritalin-Flox-Tin Abusebrin.

Oh, so that's just balance you out at the end. Yeah. Xanax Ritalin, you're just having a good old time. Yeah, I was the most effective I've ever been. Yeah, it's crazy. Is it a beautiful kind of, like, a called Abusebar, right? Yeah. It's like, I was the most effective I've ever been. Yeah, it's crazy. Is it a beautiful kind of, like, a call a beautiful art, right? Yeah, I take that. Like, it's very mild, it's just kind of a very mild.

Yeah, that's why I took all of them. Oh, you took a bunch. Yeah, yeah, they always like, these are little but quantity over quality, I'm taking what I got. Like, so what happened? Tell us about it. You're by yourself or you at your parents' house, what's going on?

With mommy and daddy. Oh, cool. Yeah, hanging out mommy daddy's house. And you know, they saw I was pretty bummed to going upstairs and they're like, Tristan keeps his pills in his room, right? And they're like, yeah, I'm just like, that's bad. And then,

Are you heartbroken? Did you just like, yeah, yeah, I went through a pretty bad breakup. And I was just like blindsided by it. And it was super public. And I was like crying in public. And I'm'm just like I need to go home and kill myself. I mean, wow. Yeah, yeah, it's a rad. How did they find? Did you give any indications? Like did you say,

goodnight, mom and dad will see you tomorrow? Maybe. I'm gonna go get some eternal rest. I love you guys, goodnight. I'm gonna go hang out with grandpa. Gotcha. Yeah, how'd they find you? What happened? No, I was, they were like, I pretty much came home and was just a wreck and I'm like, nah, you were a wrecked. Yeah, yeah, yeah, which, what side of, all right.

Yeah, it was Xanax. Gotcha. But Blue-chew. Okay, so you were a wreck. I was a wrecked and... Yeah, like Hans Cam on a scooteranax. Gotcha. But Blue-Chill. Okay, so you were a wreck. I was a wrecked. And they're like Hans Cam on a scooter at night. Yeah, yeah, just fucking little pogo stick. And my, my dad, that was too loud.

My dad, my dad, he came in and he's like, what are you doing? And I'm like, nothing. And then he's like, see, let me see your pill bottles. And then he knew how much I had. And then compared to how much. He's like, nothing. And then he is like, see, let me see your pill bottles, and then he knew how much I had, and then compared to how much he's like, you need to vomit now. And then I was like, I'm not fucking vomiting. He's like, is either vomiting or going to the hospital.

And then I did the other one. So. You went to the hospital. Yeah, they tried to shove his finger down your throat. No, but I wish he, I mean, is that a bad, bad move? No, but I had it. I took pills and my father said the same thing, he had to throw'd, I mean, is that a bad, bad move? No, but I've had it. I took pills and my father said the same thing. He had a throw-up and I wouldn't. And then he fucked my mom in front of me.

You know, so. He's like, yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. That'll do it! No, it didn't work. Yeah! Don't that are already dead?

He thought you were erect when you came in. Look at you now! So you went to the hospital, they pumped your stomach? Yeah, and then I went to the psych ward afterwards. How long were you in the psych ward for? Like four days. Four days. What was the highlight of the psych ward? What was the worst part in the psych ward for? Like four days. Four days. What was the highlight of the psych ward?

What was the worst part of the psych ward? The highlight? I'd say gray dice. They have gray dice for eating ice. Yeah, I've been frozen water. Frozen water, like a little popcorn ball. Sonic ice. Yeah.

Yeah. Oh, yeah. And they do that so that people don't try to choke themselves on it. Yeah, I guess so, but it's like a snow cone. It's so good. I was just chomping down things by. I did almost get raped.

So that was it. Tell us more about this. Tell us about the raping. This is Killtony Gold. Yeah. I was, it was not fun. It was my roommate, who his name was Rakesh,

and you can just assume what he looks like. And I do believe that's Kojak's current boyfriend. And like, he would wake up and just be around with Morningwood all day, and then he used to, I would be asleep and just, he would just be around with morning wood all day. And then he used to, I would be asleep and he'd be sitting on my bed and like touching my leg and shit. And just love, he was like, you bringing me cigarettes tomorrow? And I'm like, I don't know.

And he's like, I love you, Tristan. And I'm like, oh shit. This is going too quick for me. Was the ice good enough to make you go back in traffic? Now that I hear it's at Sonic, I can't stop going back. You know, that was Sonic, guys. I thought that was butt-fuck-eye. So then, I've been chomping down on. Did he try to force it or was he just kind of trying to seduce you?

He was trying to... he got handsy. He got handsy with it. He kind of trying to seduce you? He was trying to see, he got Hanzy. He got Hanzy with it. He kind of came in for a hug, squished the buns a little bit. Oh. Touched. Yeah. And a little gay-dualing banjo.

Yeah, jeez, Rikish. This is incredible. Yeah. Hanzy in the psych ward, all right. That sounds like a novel. Now let's hear some of the good news of your life. Let's hear it. That was the good news. You should see what it's like for the guys that aren't trying to get raped.

Yeah. And twice is that for them. No, it's shit's going great. I still got my girlfriend. You know, she moved with me from Arizona. It's in New York. She fucking loves it. She's Emily Paris in New York, she fucking loves it. She's Emily Paris in New York,

and I'm like going to Brooklyn, Mike's being like, my dick is getting stomped. It's a lot, yeah, they stomped your dick's there, it's fun. Now, but just doing something. What? Stop, dick's? He's like an emotional dick stomping, you know? You just go to an open mic and then just have a bunch of...

These kids nowadays, they use terminology. Red Band knows he's got a discord server. I mean, that's something different. I've watched videos of girls stomping dicks. But you're talking about something totally different. Good old cock-a-ball torture. Tristan, very fun times. Always a pleasure to have you. You're an absolute rock star. Thank you for being here.

It's fun to watch you come up through the ranks. Very, very hilarious all the time. I'm excited for you that you've made it out of Phoenix to a real comedy city like New York. And I think you're going to continue to thrive. Congratulations. Thank you. You'll never need to try to kill yourself again.

Yeah. Tristan bowling, everybody. Give it up for Johnny. He you think you know you guys. I love you. I love you. Five, you're better end up the show. All right, now we're gonna meet somebody else. That's how we met Tristan five years ago just pulling a name out of a bucket. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. Reel, Silva everybody. Reel, Silva. Come on, these people wait all day for this.

Make some noise for real, everybody. What up, everybody. Y'all been thinking about your health recently? Because I have. I've been trying to cut back on the drink in a little bit, try to eat a little cleaner. Because I feel like there's a fairly high likelihood that our future doctorate at Todd Pod.

So I think our future health is more in our hands than we wished it was at this point Speaking of health I had COVID twice my immune system really let me down over the last few years I never got the quintessential symptom though of loss of taste Totally everything just kind of tasted like Pierce nipples And for those of y' all who don't date trashy women on the regular, if you ever have them misfortune or wear jeans here in July and you have like loose change, rattling around your back pocket, just give one of them a little

lixie. That's exactly what I'm talking about. I gave up on dating apps, man dating in Austin's trash altogether, but dating apps the worst worst I go to Target now because in Target There's 10 girls for every one guy and they're already in there looking for shit. They don't need So you might as well bring me home too, right? Thank you All right real Silva. Hello welcome to the show might say that correct real. Yes, sir Okay, how long you been when stand up about six months where you're at mostly in Austin, Texas is this real live? I do for how long I've been on stand up? About six months. Where are you at? Mostly in Austin, Texas. Is this where you live?

I do. For how long? I've been here a little over two years. What do you do for work? I work in tech. What do you do exactly in tech? EHS, EHS and S, Environmental Health Safety and Security. OK.

So you have to show up to an office every day at 10 AM. Basically, yeah. You get off at about five. That's about right. OK. What do you do for fun? I shoot archery. I do Stand up obviously a little bit here and there and Joe Rogan's not here. Tell us what you really do

I used to shoot archer on the pro circuit for like three years. It's a small niche, but I did where did you come from? Monterey, California, Westwood, California, Dillentown, Marina, Nevada, Little Rock, Arkansas, I was a military guy. Oh, okay, you're stationed in Reno. I was. All right. You were in the military yourself or your family was? I was, I've been in for 12 years.

Okay, what branch? Air. Air Force. That's the smartest one. I went to Iraq years ago with the Air Force to entertain troops and you guys get the best food. Air Force, they take care of the fucking pilots. That's the best one. I went to Iraq years ago with the Air Force to entertain troops and you guys get the best food Air Force they take care of the fucking pilots. That's the best one to be in. I did I did fly C-130s actually So yeah, yeah, I see one thirties. Yeah, that's what took us around. They did those combat takeoffs and landings

Oh, yeah four fans of freedom 16 blades of justice. You lost me. I don't know what that means God Jesus. All right 16 blades of justice. My God It's incredible. What ethnicity are you? My dad's a white guy, my mom's Brazilian. Mom's what? Brazilian? Brazilian. Yeah.

Okay, yeah, they usually use 16 blades of justice over there too. So I'm told, where were you saying, Jim? Is it real Brazilian money? It might be, I don't know, the comedy's crashed a couple times over there, so I don't know what they're using. He's in a realaid denomination of Brazilian... I think so. There you go. I know I'm in a Brazil, I can't confirm.

I'm never pretty sure though. Yeah, it's nice. Real, what's your love life like? You seem like a good looking guy, you talk really fast. Am I that nervous? Honestly, since I've been to Austin, I really has been trash, like dating here is awful. I've been on a few dating years awful.

What exactly do you mean? It's like all of the drawbacks of like L.A. without all the perks of L.A. So like no one's really anybody, but everybody feels like there's somebody for the most fun. Oh yeah. Does anybody feel like there's... But you think L.A. people are. Does anybody feel like they're, but you think LA people are somebody,

and they don't care. I feel like an LA, I mean, there's like a lot of people who are like, at least working in film or acting or music or whatever, but like people here, I don't feel like really do that much. Do you specifically only like dating artists? Oh.

This guy's leaving, he's storming out right now. Look at this. He's heard enough. Look at this. Somebody. Yeah, I do paper towel commercials. God damn it. It's the Mexican brownie guy, everybody.

Browno. I don't know. Yeah, it just hasn't been great. I've gone on like 17, third dates and that's about where it ends. So this is so interesting to me. What is it about these, like, can you give us an example of a moment

where things are kinda going good, you kinda like the girl and she says something and you're just like, this is over. Give us an example of a deal breaker with real. Okay, so like the last girl I went on, went out with was an Instagram model. And you know, again, somebody, probably not somebody, but felt like she was somebody. I mean, those are the some buddies nowadays.

That's true. Instagram is probably the biggest modeling agency there is now, I guess. Yeah. But anyway, so we went on like, probably, actually probably four dates with that one. And on the fourth date, she was like, hey, you know what, it's been great.

You know, I've really liked all this time that we spent together and everything, but I just don't think I'm over my ex. I shouldn't have been on the app, you know, all this stuff. I'm sorry I drug you through, but I think I need to figure myself out. So the biggest turn off that you've seen so far is when a girl has no longer wanted to see you.

That's fair, right? I mean, I feel like my type. That's crazy, bro. I asked you what a girl is done in which you're like, no, I can't be this girl doesn't have a chance with me. And you gave us her telling you that you don't have a chance with her. She wasn't really not over her ex. She just didn't like you that much.

It's a lot easier way to say it in my way. With the rarer, he barely ever speaks, but he just gave a hard, yup. It's out of nowhere. The nicest guy in Austin, Texas is like, fuck you, real. Did you think it was going well? Is that why it kind of came as a shock? I did. I did kind you think it was going well? Is that why it kind of came as a shock? I did. I did. Kind of think it was going well. But I mean, then again, I guess my barometer for

people has led me astray a few times. Did you hit you with it on the fourth date? Or like did you go on the fourth date and then at the end of it go by the way? No, very beginning of the fourth date. Like, we didn't even get to like order anything. And she was like, hey, by the way. Where were you at? What restaurant did you go to? This could solve all the problems right there. You didn't even get to order. We're there in line at McDonald's and she wouldn't even. To be completely honest with you, I don't even remember the name of the place. It's

on E6 over by Latchkey and all that. I don't really remember the joint. Was it Mexican food? No. I was pretty excited to have fish and chips. I remember that was on the menu. Ah, fish and chips. What do we got? What do we think? Fish and chips.

Perfect date for you. Oh, revelry. Could have been revelry. Fish should have been. What happened after she said that? Did you continue to order? I ordered a beer and then I think finished that and probably went home. Left or there?

Well, I mean, she had left, obviously, before that, you know. Before you finished your beer? Yeah, she was like, you know whatever, whatever. Okay, all right. Well, see ya, handshake. I don't know. And then I was like, I guess I'll have a beer. And you're like, fuck women.

I'll have a bud light. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER Alright, Ariel. Any other fun facts about you? Any other special skills or talents or anything else crazy we should know? Like I said, I used to fly. I, uh, began shot archery, I, uh,

you say archery one more fucking time. I'm gonna have Tristan dump his pills down your throat. Um, now I guess, I guess that's really the only, uh, the only, the only, what are you scared of? What scares you? Is there anything that scares you in this world? Ooh, ooh, ooh, um. You know, I wouldn't say I'm like, scared of bees,

but I don't fuck with them. Like, you know, bees? Yeah, like bees, dude. Yeah, bees, yeah. Pfft. Nobody fucks with bees, dude. Well, that's best you go fuck with bees. I don't know, like, they're just flying around. They got fucking death darts on their ass.

Are you thinking of what? Death darts? You think bees, they killed McColley Cokin? Oh my God. Okay, you're getting a little jokebook. You're getting outta here. There he is, real silver ladies and gentlemen. Oh, some people are pooing him, uh-oh.

Oh my God, oh wow, the crowd is turning on the young comedians. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see what happens here. Your next person, we're going to meet them all together. Ty Marion, everybody. Ty Marion is next on filter. Here we go. I recently went vegan. I think it's making me gay.

So before I started this diet, I never really liked sucking dick. I'm just kidding. I like black chicks. I like black chicks so much that when I jack off I only come into black tube socks. Cats are weird. You scratch your cat up by his neck and his eyes will get real close. Move your hand down as back a little bit as I start to open. A little more, a little more. And cats' eyes will damn near pop out of their head. When you get all the way to the end and you jam your thumb up their ass.

You can try it. Any race this year? Cool. Bad news, the leader of the KKK recently died at the age of 77. So now an erotic twist of fate for him, everything is black. Thank you. All right, Ty Marion. Welcome to the show, Ty. How are you? I'm doing well, sir.

How are you? Absolutely. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? Three months. Three months. OK. All of it here in Austin? Yes, sir. I'm a little bit at Dallas, but mostly here.

I love it. Jim, what'd you think about that? I enjoyed the fact that you just kind of, like, you tell everybody, like, I'm gay, and I like suckin' dick. And then you just end up, I go, just kidding. And then you move right on. I like that.

No segues at all. I don't like suckin' dick. I like black jer, then you move right on. I like that, no segways at all. I don't like sucking dick. I like black cheese, kidding, cats, I like cats. You fucking use your time wisely, that's my point. Yeah, absolutely. What's going on, Ty? I don't know. There's an X on the ground, man.

Yeah, that's how the guy's somebody. You can't understand, right? Oh, wait, what? Oh, yeah. That's right, I think the hex game later. It's right I've been there. I've been there Dallas. I don't know. She's marked straight the fuck out. It's easy target You know what I mean? You need me to dodge once you just chilling Okay, you know back into the right or what do you do, Ty? What kind of an electrician are you, exactly?

Yeah. It went that funny. I'm actually a personal shopper. I basically help elderly people get in their groceries, target, a little bit like the prescription, mostly. Okay. Yeah, you have to go back to a background check, but they don't check very well obviously.

So I like to go to the doors because most of them are older and hard of hearing and shit. And so I'll lean on the door like on the doorbell and just being, being, being in their comment. And then you hear them roll and, God damn, I'm coming, shut the fuck up, man shit. And when they get to the door, they're like, God, you're not fucking sawing me coming,

yelling where am I? I think you're a good day. And so I just pretend that I'm death the entire time, so I don't know that I'm on there. It's just a fun game, I like to play. Sure. Sounds awesome. It's fun, man.

Absolutely. Try that. I'll try to just have a pay with you. Yeah, try that. You could try the thumb with the cats. I only tell true stories, you know. What ethnicity are you Thai? You have a very interesting look to you. I appreciate it.

I'm basically white. My mom's side has some Native American in, so that kind of just helps with a little bit of darkness. There is a touch of darkness there. Are you really a vegan? No. Oh, you're fucking, I mean, you guys have to tell them a little overweight up here. Oh, no, that's that. Yeah, fuck yeah. You know, I ain't got to have food trucks. Fuck that shit. But you can get fat eating vegan food. That's enough. No. Free camp. It's used to have to eat a lot of it. Like pumpkins. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it carbs. Yeah, it's carbs. Vegan vegans can be fat. But if you stop eating bread, you're gay. So I mean, it's a risk reward, you know what I mean? So let's talk about it, Ty. What do you do for fun? What do you do?

And you're not doing stand-up comedy? I tried to make it on TikTok during the pandemic So one of the things I like to do is because everybody has like 80-D on there And you're like in your like no one has the brown down syndrome market No, of course they're not I would just write like 10 15 second songs, you know 4 to 8 bars just to kind of keep them in you give us an example of one of the songs All right first off we have any Spanish speakers here? Oh, yeah. I'll do a Spanish original.

Yeah, well, I don't want them to feel illegal alienated or anything. Yeah, go ahead. All right, this is original. You might know the word sing along. Brownfield, Austin, Olaa Verga, all the way. Y a pinch of puto. Chingatumadher.

Thank you. OK. Can you do one in English? Yeah, absolutely. Here's an English for you guys, in case you didn't know what that one is. This one is called sweatpants. It was based on a situation to have in an H.E.B. Oh, Lumpy Bud. And I'm sweatpants got a funky bud.

Your panties all bunched together and shit. Now it looks like your back tuck and your dick got a Lumpy Bud. Wow. None of these took off on TikTok. No. No, I guess not. You just stopped doing them? No, I still come up with them.

Like, they just kind of like shit that happens. And I'm like, oh, that'd be a funny little jingle. Yeah. You see all these people going viral during the pandemic? Yeah, and you know. And you do this and so. Just a lot of this and shit. And it's like, oh, that's two million views, do what they say. Yeah, and you know, and you do this and so. Just a lot of this and shit and it's like, oh, that's two million views, what the?

Yeah. What was the most views one of your songs got? Actually, it's not one of my songs, I went viral for an inappropriate post that I had on there. I got like, it's like 400,000 views. So we all know what HEB is. Yeah, I had these wooden swings that were on sale. The last one had a Dallas Cowboys logo on it, which is fine, we're in here in Texas. And so when

I filmed it, I made a little video and I said, HEB has these nice swings on sale and for Pride Month, they also have one for the LGBTQ community. And that was the one with the Dallas Cowboys logo on it. There was a thing I may have seen that. Maybe, it was a big up for, apparently it's really offensive for some to be called a Cowboys fan. You're a very funny guy, Ty Marion. For three months in, you are well, well, super duper on your fucking way. Here's a big joke book.

I like your style. You're a great writer. I love your deadpan delivery. You have a silly looking fucking weird ass face. I think you should sign up, come back again, give us another minute. There he goes, Ty Mary and everybody. Oh.

All right. This should be our last fucking pool of the evening. Mixed noise for Laura Ortiz, everybody. Laura Ortiz is next on Phil Tony. Hot bitches in the audience tonight, right? Hot bitch, hot bitch. Sir, hot bitch. Hot bitch.

Hell yeah. I believe all hot bitches have stomach problems, right? Yeah, that's why Sony guys guys want to fuck my dog apparently. Yeah, dating is not going well. My therapist told me to get the dog actually. My therapist told me to get the dog, it would help with your anxiety. And now I got a therapist for my dog because this bitch has anxiety. No joke, this bitch, she has separation's anxiety.

So what she'll do is she'll cry all day, tear up my apartment, take a shit in the hallway, just like me. I've never felt so seen, it's great, it's great, I love my dog, I love it. Every day, coming home to shit, I love it. I saw a kid's bike on the side of the road the other day and I could really think of two ways about how this bike got there Either someone stole a bike from a child awful despicable or someone stole a child from a bike

I'm the way that kids fucked right Thank you Laura Ortiz Everybody Laura welcome to the show. How are you? Good anxious? How long you been doing stand-up on an off-sense 2017? Oh boy All right, I know terrible. I'm sorry. It's hard to do a minute. It's hard to do it. It is It's also kind of easy if you've been doing it. It's okay. It's hard to do a minute. It's hard to do it. It is. It's also kind of easy if you've been doing a six-year. I know. It's okay, Laura. It's just what I know. It's my fault. Of all the people with those glasses in that haircut, you're the funniest. Yeah, huge victory. I love it. What do you do for a living? Right now, I am a busser. A busser? You're a bus girl. Yeah, a bus girl.

Oh, my goodness. Wow. Yeah. Not going great. How'd you end up being a bus girl? I could not find work as a graphic designer, because that is what I went to college for. Art degrees are terrible.

Oh, boy. I was, yeah. I am. I can't believe college still exists. It's unbelievable. Did you really expect anything else from these glasses in this haircut? Yeah, barista. Or a blogger. You look like a blogger.

I lost the barista job due to anxiety. Really? Yeah, I got anxious that I would burn the customer. Oh, shit. By mistake? Yeah. Just by gripping the cup too hard. Oh my. Oh my you're crazy. It was a glass. You're crazy. He's my favorite line ever in the history of the show. You're crazy. So simple. Yeah, so perfectly timed and beautiful. Yes, to be demoted from a breeze to a bus girl does take a high level of not being able to fit into society.

Tell us more about your awkward highlight reel. Well, on Wednesday, my therapist told me that she is paying for me to get tested for autism. Your therapist voluntarily is paying. Yeah, how much is that cost? Don't they just throw toothpicks on the floor and you can... I wish I had the genius kind. I really did. Apparently, there's two types, the genius kind and then me.

I think you're absolutely adorable. The fact that you can laugh at yourself in these ways and own it and you don't, you seem completely unaffected by the lack of laughter throughout your set. And you know what I mean? Like, you seem to be having fun. It seems like you love doing this. How many times a week do you get up and perform? With this job, it's only been once a week here lately.

Right, because you're busing at night. Yeah, busing at night. So that's a little bit hard. So I had to really try and pick my days and. Why so anxious? I grew up with very controlling parents who just told me that everyone's judging you all the time And now I think everyone's judging me all the time Do you decide to think I'm going to comedy where nobody will ever write?

Yeah, you signed up for a show that has a million viewers that were in the table of judges It's very autistic of you to do. Yeah, you're autistic, by the way. Tell your therapist to save a few bucks. Amazing. I just wanted to take control of the narrative for once. Absolutely. Yeah. I love it.

I like your style. I like your attitude. Tell us more about you, Laura. What else do you do for fun? For fun, I draw photograph, watch a lot of anime, is that really surprising? Given what I look like. Now that makes sense. Let me ask you this, your busing tables which leaves you with the inability to perform at night.

If you could have any job, what type of job do you think you are qualified for other than graphic design? Um, I think I'm gotten better at my anxiety, so I think I am ready for that breeze to job again. Yeah. Oh, wow. That's right. But only like cold brews. Yeah.

Yeah. I'm a summertime employee. All right, only cold drinks. Oh my God, that is hilarious. What else other than a barista? Because these are such entry-level jobs. How old are you? I am 29.

29? So yeah, it's time to amp it up. I'm going to try to figure out how we can help you. So give us one more job. Ooh, that's not something that any 18-year-old off the street could beat you out at. I'm really good at brand strategy, analyzing what a brand is and what they speak for and how that relates to the market and how that relates to an audience and really analyzing like, okay, you're trying to hit this demographic, this demographic

is into these hobbies, this is where you should be targeting them on this social media platform and not other social media platforms. Yeah, you're autistic. Yeah. I mean, that's what most buzz boys do. Yeah. Yeah.

What's an example? So in college, I worked on this hypothetical app called Stasher, where you're supposed to like sign in and keep your luggage at like a random cafe if you have like a long layover or something, and so we were targeting like Travelers people in their late 20s to early 30s with lots of money, you know, and I think the project turned out really good Wait, were there people who would actually leave their luggage in a cafe? Yeah, if it's a locked room. Oh, OK.

It's one of the- So they get a little bit of the money. Yeah. Like the cafe would get a little percentage. Yeah. That's actually a really interesting business model. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Why wouldn't the people take their luggage with them?

They just want to go out for a bath. Hands-free. Like if it's like an eight hour layover in like Atlanta or something, and you want to spend the day looking at something in Atlanta, you don't want to care about it. Did that app end up succeeding? Is that still out there? I think it still exists. There's people just cracking up. I know, right? Just laughing about how they would never leave their bag in a fucking cafe.

I left my luggage at Pete's coffee house. Yeah. I don't know what the future is for them. I know they're mainly located out of the Northeast. You seem like such a sweet girl. You seem so employable. You seem like you should not be a bus girl at all. I'm trying to figure, is anybody out there

hiring for anything cool during the day? Yeah. This guy just raised his hand. I think he just wants to fuck you. Yeah. What are you hiring for, sir? Yeah. I've been sent in Antonio, we need a cast of real tics of action. Yeah.

Oh, you're going to get murdered? Yeah. Yeah, I'm going to get murdered. Exactly. I know exactly where that is. What's the job? A host is that Julian have any restaurant events? Oh, no restaurants aren't gonna cut it. We need a day job. Anybody hiring for a day job in this booming Austin economy?

Yeah. An app creation maybe? Abortion to Dunkin Donuts? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Hot and ready. Oh, that's crispy. Come on, somebody's got to be hiring. This would be such a magical moment if we could find her a job right now. Anybody? Nobody needs a brand fucking something. Nobody wants to increase their company. What is it? What do you think?

These two guys are starting a new university. No, no, no. A new university. No, no, no. A new university? Wow. It took me eight years to graduate from college, too. I don't think I could do another 12. Hold on. What kind of university are you pedophiles

starting back there, exactly? It's all these university of Austin. Oh, that's a real original idea. This is good. You guys like fucking with us right now? Because you do. You guys look like nerds. So I'm guessing you are a star-date. It seems like you would start a college. Can you actually offer her a job or no? I'm not even positioned to offer her a job. Oh, Jesus. A bunch of post-ees out here. Fuck you dude. Fuck you and fuck your fucking university.

Exactly. I'm going back to Trump University. Yeah. You know what, we serve cold brew at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We might be able to get you a party jump. Wow, look at that. Turns out the booming economy was sitting next to me the whole time. It's a barista job and it's during the day

and you could also do mics too while you're working and stuff. Yeah, there's comedy shows there. You can work at a comedy club. Does that sound fun? Yeah, that sounds really fun. Right, send me message on Instagram. There you go. You just got hired at the Sunset Strip comedy club.

Here on Sixth Street, your set was so lackluster. But I find you completely likable and charming. And I'm giving you a big, cool new kiltony joke book. Just for you. Laura, Laura Ortiz ladies and gentlemen, there you go. That was fun. Yeah. All right, one last bucket hole.

Make some noise for your final bucket hole of the night. Joel Runny. And everybody's 60 seconds uninterrupting for Joel Runny. It's ridiculous. Here he is. Everybody's 60 seconds uninterrupted for Joel Ragnus. I'm curious. Woo! I just beat the worst video game of all time, guys. Not the brag. Maybe you played it.

It's called Bumble. I don't want to spoil the ending for anyone, but if you just swipe your way all the way to the end, it's a big yell while disappointment. It says that's everybody. Not a great ending. Just kidding, I don't play video games, I don't like dating apps, dating apps don't work, because women will put one thing on their profile, and guys think it means something completely different. You see a mess. Yeah. Like, women will put a photo of their face in a filter, and they think it makes your skin look great.

If a guy sees it, we just immediately know that's the insecurity you're not going to have to put up with for the next three weeks. A woman will put a phrase like, I'm not here to play games, please don't waste my time. And they think it means they're setting healthy boundaries. When a guy sees it, while we're thinking this challenge accepted. But the best part is when a woman will put a photo of a far-off vacation, a boat,

for my personal favorite. It's a long way to get there, you want to finish it? Yeah. Okay. They think it means I'm fun, I'm adventurous, I love to travel. I want a guy sees it, all we're thinking is. Who are you fucking that has a jet? Alright.

Joel Ranian, everybody. Your final buck-a-pull of the night. Joel, I feel like I've seen you before. You've been on this show before, correct? Yeah, I went way too long that time. This time? Last time. Last time.

I brought it back a little bit. You went way too long, both times. Yeah. Okay. I like the opening joke. I thought you were a little hesitant and a little, I know it's nerve-racking, but a little maybe a little strong on the delivery, a little more confidence in what you're saying, because the line wasn't bad, it was a good joke. How long you been doing this?

Like two and a half, three years. All of it here in Austin? Yeah. Okay. Is this where you've always lived? I lived in Chicago, San Diego, but started doing comedy and also I'm over there. Okay, what do you do for work? I run a business called Impossible.

What's Impossible? We do performance, supplements and formulations. So we have an energy product, a sleep product. You sell an energy product? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. That's pretty good. Yeah. Yeah. What do you think? That's pretty good. Yeah. Is the sleep product just your set with headphones? We include that free of charge. I bet. Hard to sell that. Joel, what have we not talked about? Oh, we haven't talked about a lot of stuff.

Last time you were on the show, I mean there must have been something in which you're like, wow, that would have been good during the interview portion of Killtony. Yeah, I'm getting sued by a $10 billion company. Oh, you're fucked. Yeah. Why are you fucking? Why are you fucking? We want it once and then they're appealing it right now, so.

Yeah, they're going to win that. You have the lawyer off the buses, the rock and roll lawyer. The lawyer off, yeah. The lawyer off, yeah. Your chances of winning that case are impossible, by the way. Oh, oh, yeah. Why are they showing you? So we have my company's called Impossible

and then there's this called Impossible. There's this Impossible Foods. Oh yeah, you're fucked. You you're fine we want at once they got to kicked out and they're appealing it so they have that trademarked we have a trademark they're trying to cancel ours impossible is a fucking word we all use I don't know how a company can claim that and they have foods at the end of theirs yeah you might actually have the right away here they didn't trademark the word impossible foods. Now we have a 12-year-old, eight-tasked, whole trademark. Oh, sorry.

Oh. All right. All right. Thought you were in for more legal trouble. Mm. Mm. Ah. Ah.

Good. Mm. All right. Joel, tell us something else interesting about you. You're being sued what else? We talked about ultra marathon's last time I don't think it was red bands that I was lying about it Well, we found out today that red band has perhaps better cardio than you so

Mr. ultra marathon and the only marathon he goes to is the gas station I don't never no, I don't go to a gas station. He never goes to gas stations. Never. Never. Test love guy that gets postmates all the time. That's right. No need for a gas station. That's right. No need to grab like one of those little sausages. sausages. Sossages. Okay, so Joel, what else? What's your love life like? You seem like a rapist. I'm going to have a respond to that. Well, a rapist would not know how to respond to that. If you weren't a rapist,

there would be many responses that you could get. I've got enough legal troubles. Right, exactly. Yeah, can't get into rape. Right, it's not a good look. I'm working a lot right now, so I'll date intermittently, but kind of stressed out a little bit.

Yeah, what do you do to resolve your stress? I work out a lot. I do ice pass. OK. Do your stress? I work out a lot. I do ice baths. OK. Do they help? I've never done one. I, yes, I find. I need an outlet to send all my energy, so you do ice baths.

The ice that you're bathing in is that crystal meth? You can try that. OK. Joel, you've been on this show before. It was good to get you up here. Good to see you again. You got a little jokebook last time. I had a little jokebook last time.

Well, you know what? I'm going to upgrade you to a slightly bigger than little jokebook. This is about a half an inch bigger. This is a new level that the great bum size brought in. He's brought in different sizes. You won't believe it. Look.

Yeah. But you're getting there, Joel. You're slowly but surely. Joel, run, you won't believe it, look. Yeah, but you're getting there, Joel. You're slowly but surely. Joel running and everybody, there he goes. All right, now here's the deal. Some of you guys are going to be very disappointed to find out that the great and powerful William Montgomery is stuck in Hawaii, everybody. William Montgomery is stuck in Hawaii everybody. And you're gonna be disappointed to find out that David Lucas is retired from the show and stuck in Atlanta tonight. And you'll be disappointed to know that the great and powerful Brian Holtzman has another

gig on the other side of town tonight. But you will be thrilled to know that your final comedian of the night is perhaps the greatest, most potential regular we've ever had in the entire history of the show. He's only a month and a half into his regular ship and this guy is the talk of the entire comedy club, probably the most hyped up guy in the entire city right now, and he delivers all the time even with an intro like this. He'll still come in over the top, likable, thunderous, different. He can translate his street style to even the whitest, oakyest, most boring looking white

people. A lot of you out there tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you who I truly believe is the future of Kiltoni, one of our finest regulars ever. Make some noise as loud as you can get for the great camp patterns! Oh, yeah. That nigga, I'm crazy in shit, dude. You can't put that nigga right there. That's kind of crazy. Oh.

Fuck you, nigga. We not the same bitch. I used to work at a grocery store, and I hated it, though, because there's a lot of people like, like, y'all there. You know? A lot of y'all, two of me there, y'all, but it wasn't like, y'all, it was like, y'all parents. We had a bunch of old white people, like, old to the point,

where like, I think they remember on slavery, inded. You understand? That's how old it was. And there I think they remember on slavery in it, you know what I'm saying? That's how old it was. And there's a lady who would come in every day and she was in the wheelchair and I was help on her head of that bitch. Because every time I was help on I was thinking that she thought of the hell self, this just like the good old times.

And one that helped the right and she was like, thank you so much, Jeffrey. Are you behaving yourself? Nah, y'all know, my name is Cameron. Who the fuck is Jeffrey? So I stole that bitch wheelchair. There you go, there you go. Beat son, beat son, beat son, beat. An unbelievable appetite for destruction. There you go, here you go. Beats on, beats on, beats. Unbelievable appetite for destruction.

The kid is different. Cam, how old are you again? 24 years old. And you've been doing this how long? Two years. And how long in Austin? Oh, like three months. Three months in Austin, a real comedy city.

Two years. Most of that in Orlando, which just simply isn't much to do there. Nah, but go to Dindler World, but that's not the same dude. Alright, Sam, if you ever go to Orlando, and you go to Disney, you think that's all no land dude, kind of want from, and I'll show you his neck. Oh shit. What's it like?

What are we missing out on? Niggas dive there, you know what I'm saying? Oh, I'm into it. You have a good time, gay out on niggas dive there? I'm in a good time gay Great timing great timing and I love that you ended on that joke and you knew I knew you wanted to say something else Be like fuck it. that's a big laugh. I had great instincts to take the laugh. Really fun. Yeah. Exactly. Knowing when to get out is a huge part of usually, again,

something that people learn years and years and years in. You seem like a fucking natural all the time. Everybody talks about it. All the comedians talk about it. It's a very fun thing. It inspires everybody all the way to the top comedians that come here. Everybody lives vicariously through that.

It reminds them that there's people coming for all of our jobs, that we have to keep writing and working and fucking focusing. It pushes everybody. Tell us how life's been the past week being campatterson. It's been good, man. Why people have given me a lot of rocks and shit? The rock thing is taking off. Oh.

I saw, I got tagged in something. Somebody reposted that thing from the tenure, and it, I don't, I mean, I don't, I'm not big on fucking numbers and stats, but there is a clip that blew the fuck up of you talking about rocks, like you got famous as fuck this past week. It's people coming up to me like, Are you talking about rocks? Like, you got famous as fuck this past week. Just people coming up to me like, I heard you like rocks in your pocket.

Leave me the fuck alone, huh? But I will take your rocks, you understand? Because I like them. I'll do it, Tony. This fucking moment. This fucking moment. Loves rocks. I do.

Jim, just to catch you up, he loves rocks. He keeps actual, he finds rocks and he keeps them in his pocket. Look. Look at those. Wow, those are. He loves rocks. He keeps actual, he finds rocks, and he keeps them in his pocket. Look. Look at those. Wow. Those are actually beautiful rocks. Look at those.

I can tell these aren't the street rocks that you're used to. When there's one street rock pop. Look, you can tell he's getting rocks from girls that are like, this one means energy and power. This is fucking money. All right. This is going to make you money. This is fucking money, alright? This is gonna make you money. This looks like a kidney stone. That's why it's called a cat truck.

Those are his rocks. You can tell the rocks that he found and the ones that were given to him by one of these fucking Austin girls with bangs and bad tattoos. You could just see. Why do you like rocks? That's not how they feel. Who gonna do this shit again? Oh, fuck.

Oh, god, damn it. Shit. I just like how they feel. Oh, shit. Yeah, I might be a, I might got a little tis-oom in there. Maybe, yeah. Yeah. It's a touch.

Yeah. Sprinkle. Smidge. It's a little sweet. It's a little bit. It might be a little bit sweet. It's a little bit tart. It's a little bit tart. And you've said they It's in the toilet, it's in the hand.

And you've said they help you fall asleep and stuff. You keep them in your hands when you fall asleep. Yeah, I keep them in my bed and it's shit. Oh, okay. I'm going to the rock and grind me. I had this a good time. Wow, look at you, bedrock. Yeah, bedrock, talk to him.

Hell yeah. Absolutely. What a great thing to collect. You'll never be able to not collect that. Like some people like fucking cars or jewelry, just rocks, you'll always have access to that. Well, well, well, man, I see a rock. I like that one.

It's good. You're for the taking. Yeah, it's not going to take me back. Can't you have it? No. I get the feeling that when he gets as rich as we all think he's going to end up being, he's probably going to spend money on fancy or rock.

He's going to take a vacation to the Grand Canyon, right? Give me half of that right now. He's going to have it. I don't want half of the Grand Canyon. That's what I want in my house. He's going to spend that money. I can tell. I've been telling Cam.

I've been naming him professional athletes that got famous quick. Like, I like, we talk about it at night at the bars. I just start naming people. I'm like, now, don't you be a... Maurice Clarrette now. Yeah. Because you could be very easily turned into your own 30 for 30

with how I see things going. That shit was sucked. Yeah. That shit would be a rub. You're a juggernaut, man. You're setting the standard for what it is to be what the level is of a door guy here at the mothership of an opener here at the mothership. You were on a lineup last weekend in which I thought you, you know, I've seen what you do on this stage doing a full set. I had you on my show here and it was incredible.

I mean, just that type of non-stop, absolute laughter. Thank you. And this guy's doing the opening spots because he has to be there right now. But I mean, it is so undeniable because I saw the two comedians after you weren't getting the same exact thing up until the headliner, the second opener, and then the feature act, just they don't have the same absolute demand for continuous laughter throughout. So you are on a trajectory that is completely undeniable. How do you say that? I'm unique, very unique. Subject bad. I'm talking about rocks. I've never heard

a person. But it's funny, and it's you. It's great really original Yeah, and like I said it translates to everybody like I'm looking at some of these Texas just straight up racist white men in the audience And when he's performing they're just cracking up like god damn it one of the good ones Like this jango-ass motherfucker. Yeah, yeah. Not at all. I love y'all crackers too, though. Yeah, my favorite whites, you know what I'm saying?

The feeling is mutual, Cam. The feeling is mutual. I mean, you're an absolute star. Thank you so much so pumped for next week. We're gonna keep it going nonstop. Cam Patterson everybody! And that was this episode of Kiltzoni. Did you guys have fun? How loud can this play skip for the great and powerful Jim Norton? Goddamn mother fucking right. The drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in is in it looks like that make sure you check out Jim's tour dates at Jim Norton

Dotcom he's going to JFL he's got some crazy gigs coming up all over of course My favorite fucking radio show Jim in Samson series XM. He's on this degenerate season two on Netflix one more time for Jim Norton everybody on this degenerate season 2 on Netflix. One more time for Jim Norton, everybody. It's the fucking man. Thank you, Jim. Truly one of my favorites in the world. Such an honor to have you here. Thank you. Let's check out what the local artist Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, New Hunts Kim! Fireman Hunts Kim. How about one more time for the band, Stan Band and the Land of Killtony band, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Dimmer on the horns, D-Magnus on the bass guitar, John Nees on the keys, and Matt Newell on the electric guitar, it's a very exclusive Killtony merch available only tonight on your way out.

You can have a chance of getting that, you cannot get it online, you can only get it in the lobby here immediately after the show. So if anybody's interested in that, that's a thing. And yes, thank you to Jill Blaster, the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose Austin Security Guard Service in Strabal Pena, Banner Whiskey, number one, Sakeela, and the IB drip. Red band, check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. Next store, Sunset Strip ATX.com. I love you guys. H-E-B Center, it's 75% sold out for New Year's Eve. It's going to sell out in the next few weeks. It's going to be an unbelievable weekend of incredible Kiltoni debauchery. So, for those of you listening around the world,

this is truly your last chance to get tickets for New Year's Eve, the first ever Killtoni in an arena, here in Austin, Texas. You guys, thank you. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ、 アイスを使って、 アイスを使って、 ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ you you