KILL TONY - #627 - ROSEANNE + DAVID KOECHNER

Episode Date: September 12, 2023

Roseanne, David Koechner, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 08/21/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:DRAFTKINGS! – Download the DRAFTKINGS app, new users create an account, and use code KILLTONY. Bet $5 and get $200 worth of bonus bets instantly. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code KILLTONY.—HELLOFRESH.COM – Go to HELLOFRESH.COM/50KTSHOW and GET 50% off, plus free shipping!—ZIPPIXTOOTHPICKS.COM – CODE: “KILLTONY10” FOR 10% OFF ORDER!—ZIPRECRUITER.COM – TRY IT FOR FREE AT ZIPRECRUITER.COM/KILLTONY—KACHAVA – Nutrient-Rich Superfoods – 10% OFF FIRST ORDER – https://www.kachava.com/collections/kill-tony-podcast—GAMETIME! – Download the Gametime app, create an account, and use code KILLTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account and redeem code KILLTONY for $20 off.

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. All are merch can be found for Kill Tony at Kill Merch.com. Tony's on a brand new Tories going all over the place to check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Killtony Band and the Secret Show is every single Thursday Get Tickets at SunsetStrip ATX.com.

And now a brand new episode of Killtony. Tony. Hey, this is Redman coming to you from the dark, from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony. Hedgecliff! I'll be the show together for 10 years and three months. You're at the number one live podcast in the world. Everybody, Kilt Tony brought to you by Gel Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, the whole law firm, which will get you out of any DUI in Austin, Texas.

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You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? You know Every single week here in Austin they said we couldn't do it here They said who are you gonna book if you moved to Austin who are you gonna book? Why would you leave LA and yet? I am convinced that almost every single episode here in Texas is better than anything we ever did in California. I try to book two of the funniest people in the world, and God damn it, I did it again. Two of the greatest comedic minds of our times.

Two of the greatest comedic actors. Two of the greatest comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you David Keckner and Roseanne Bar. David Keckner. Fuck yeah, fuck yeah. Roseanne Motherfucking Bar The Queen Bee And King Cackenar Fuck yes, Roseanne is back

One of the greatest comedians of all time Roseanne Bar ladies and gentlemen One of the greatest comedians of all time, Rosanne Barlady's enchantement First time kill Tony gas David Keckner right here Rosanne with her new hit podcast Rosanne world new episodes dropping every Thursday David Keckner Dot com for tickets. He's on tour Lexington Kentucky Pittsburgh PA coming up PA coming up. We have a lot of fun stuff in the store. You guys know how it works. A bunch of comedians signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds in front of us in our esteemed panel. After the 60 seconds is up, we find out more about them, talk to them. I interview them and we find out what's interesting about them.

You know, there's 60 seconds is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. It's also moved here from LA. And that's the gist of it. You guys ready to start tonight, show? I pre-picked a name, I'm gonna end up on the

edge so we'll go with that. And while we go wrangle that person I'm going to bring up your first regular of the night. I mean an absolute swan song of a story this guy has had. Started here two and a half years ago living in his van and then he ended up making it. Now he sells out every single weekend on the road. Sometimes he might have a cocaine problem. He dates a girl way out of his league is the word on this street. And lately he's been getting challenged

based on his performance. So his regular ship is always up on the line. If he has a rough set, that means the next week after that He has to fight for his life. You have a 60 second competition against somebody else This week is no competition because he did so good last week So let's see if you can ride the momentum you guys know how the song goes you guys. My name is Hans Kim. I'm from New Jersey, so don't worry, Texas. I'm racist, too. Ah! Here's this more the direct kind of racism, ours is more tax-based. Ah! I love Arabic people, especially when they're in one piece.

I'm a little... I'm a little... Kind of get a little peasy during historic moments, these. I love black people. I just like keeping my possessions more. I love Mexicans, I love Home Depot, I think that's an amazing story. Because everything you need to rob a home depot is in a home depot If you're buying things at home depot you're not thinking hard enough All right, that's my time. Thank you

Absolutely Hans Kim with a new 60 seconds. Thank you Tony. Oh, hello, Hans. Hello, Tony What are you thanking me for? I'm thinking, I hope that was 60 seconds. No, I said, what are you thanking me for? Oh, thanking? Oh, just my entire career. OK, perfect. Good. Just making sure we're on the same page. I loved the Home Depot joke.

That was fun. Thank you, Tony. OK. Take us through your process, Hans. When you're writing a new minute every week, where are you doing it? What's going on? Well, the Home Depot joke I wrote inside of a Home Depot. Funny how that happens, right?

Yeah, I was like, man, there's so much, you could build so much stuff here, like you could even rob this place. I was building a little cat door for my girlfriend. Ah, yeah, it's a cat door for my girlfriend. Ah, yeah. It's a cat door so the cat can go in and out. Did she say that she wanted that or did she just do that yourself? Hey babe, I built you a cat door. Your cat's missing.

Okay. So you're a bit of an environmental comic, so you're influenced by wherever you're standing Yeah, but the cat didn't make it into the bit this week. No, no Just right just overall racism, which was yeah, that's fun But no, but nobody was spared it was nice. It really was it was very very racist black people to keep your possessions warm Arabic in one piece and Mexican home depot joke, but you're challenging people to think, right? That's your point. Yeah, I want them to...

I want them to think about... Right, racism. Right, it's ironic, your presentation. Yeah, yeah. At least if you're gonna be a racist, make it fun. Right, no, yes, right. I think you had another punchline and he stepped on it. I think it was a pussy joke on that cat door bit on my right.

Yes, I was. I knew it! I know how man think it's all about joke on that cat door bit on my right. Yes, I was. I knew it. I know how man think it's all about cat doors and pussy. I knew it. I knew it. Rose and Bar, live in the... But I love that you were like, studied and offensive.

That's good. It's non-PC. These motherfuckers need to be shook out of their commas. Thank you, Roselle. You gotta put some June jokes in there, though. I tell you, you gotta get the cue. Right? Am I right?

It's just difficult. They're so litigious, the Jews. Ah! Back and go right in there. You can mix that right in there. Hans, what else is going on this week? I've been having a great time with my girlfriend. I stayed in and Austin this week. I just did a bunch of shows at Brian Redbanz Club. Thank you Brian for having me. Keep going. Come on, tell us something. I'm hoping you get more spots. Thank you, Brian.

Jesus, what a creep. I did a- What are you gonna build him a fucking catnor? I did a meet and greet up to the show and a very old lady grabbed my butt. And I was gonna grab her butt back, but I was like, that's gonna hurt me more than it's gonna hurt her That's true old. That's true. You don't want to get me 92 It's an elderly lady folks elderly lady me to jokes. Alright. I

Love it what else Hans give us something good before we let you out of here. I've been playing a little game with my girlfriend. Call the rape. Well, you've covered all the bases. All the bases. No stone left unturned. He is a molestation away from a full bingo card here. So what is this game? She's agreed to let you rape her? David, can anybody play?

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, Oh. So explain to us the rules of this game that you and your girlfriend created. So he's like, hey, you want to come cuddle? And she's like, no, because you're going to have sex with me. And I was like, come on. What am I going to have sex with?

And she's like, tomorrow. I was like, no, not tomorrow. And they started chasing her. Oh, wow. So there was really no rules written on this game. It was more of a not game. More of just a rip. Uh, yeah, it's pretty realistic.

Did she say? That's the next part. You all might be called to testify in the future. Yeah. This is why we lock up phones, everybody. So let me ask you this. And I probably shouldn't, because this answer This is why we lock up phones everybody. So let me ask you this, and I probably shouldn't, because this answer is going to decide whether or not this entire segment gets edited out of the show.

But I'm still curious to know, did your girlfriend at any point of this game say the word, no? Yeah. Oh shit, All right. How did she handle it afterwards? Were there any tears or anything like that? This is the number one live podcast in the world people. You're in good hands.

Don't worry. Ah! She won. She kept me away. Oh, she won the game of rape. Right. Bare mace? Like, what are we talking about? Uh, she...

David Kekner. Now we know why she wanted the cat door. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- Oh my god For all the pussy to leave. Oh, okay. There you go. There you go. Hans Well Hans this is very interesting the game of rape Really I think saved your interview How many of you guys think Hans did good enough to not have to be challenged for his spot next week. That's pretty much everybody in the room. Thank you. This guy with the bandana wants to see you burn.

Hans, you're going to go challenge list next week. My guess is you're going to be lazy and fucking come and stink it up, but we're going to let you off the hook anyway. This game actually has rules to it. But congratulations, another fun new minute, the great and powerful Hans Kim everybody, there he goes. I'm gonna pre-pick another name and I'm gonna go with the first name that we picked. So this is out of the bucket, that means it could be anybody, it could be a first time, it could be a return of someone, it could be a crazy person, it could be the future, it could be a genius, it could be crazy.

Anything can happen. 60 seconds and then an interview, we're gonna meet them all together, put your hands together for Jacob Cancer, everybody. Jacob Cancer, first, tonight, out of the bucket, on Kill Tony. So my name is Jacob a little bit about me. I'm an Uber driver and I've discovered this whole population of people that I didn't know was very entertaining until just recently. And that's MAGA Asians. As in Asians that love Trump a little too much, okay. I picked up a MAGA Asian coming back from a George straight concert. All right, I was like, I was trying to get a tip, so I was like, I loved white yoke him, you know. And I was like, who do you like?

And she was like, I don't like Garth Brooks. I used to like my don't like him anymore. And I was like, why don't you like Garth Brooks? And she said, and I quote, he performed at Incess Criminal. Don't bite in the inauguration. Don't bite in Chow my nest of criminal family. And at this point, I knew I was getting a tip.

So because I was like, build the wall. I hate Mexicans, Vaxi's cause autism. And they look, I don't know if Vaxi's cause autism, but my brother got vaccinated. He learned the panel in like two days. I blacked out throughout the process. I was just spewing a lot of nonsense, but she said at one point, cunning fox Anthony Fauci slept the Wuhan lap.

Thank you guys. Jacob Cancer. Welcome to the show. This is your first time, correct? Yes, sir. Absolutely. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? Six years. Six years. We're at. I started in college station. Did some such in Houston. Graduated from college, went to Boston, was

there. Got actually came back for a friend's wedding, got arrested with weed, probation, COVID, and then I moved to Dallas to do stand-up. Yeah. Which you cannot eat three and a half grams of marijuana. At least in the time it takes for a cop to get your window. And that arrest was here in Texas? Yes, all three. Yeah, that makes sense. They don't like weed and they don't like boys

that look like girls soccer players either. So you're in double trouble. Jacob Cantor, welcome to the show. What do you do for a living? I'm a supervisor at Whole Foods in Uptown, Dallas.or, welcome to the show. What do you do for a living? I'm a supervisor at Whole Foods in Uptown, Dallas. Oh, wow. 20% discount for all interested females. Oh my goodness.

Wow, so interesting, you're a lesbian, very good. I love it, I love it. But you put a lot of those cucumbers to use. Oh yeah, check them out all the time. And I just give them a little wink as they go. Oh yeah, you spell Whole Flutes, HOLELE. Yes, that's right. What year is it?

Say again? I said, what year is it? It's 2023. Ah, wow, I thought I went back in time or something. OK. Do you always do impressions in your act? Yes. You play the deck.

Yeah, sometimes I like, we'll drop them for a little bit, but this joke kind of, it all came together. It called for it. Yes, exactly. Yeah. Because that's what she sounded like. I'm not being it. Right, you're not being racist at all. You're not being racist at all.

You gave yourself a license to do it. You set it up. You told us clearly. No, or less. Yeah. Was she Asian? She was very Asian. Oh, okay.

Yeah, I was going to say, be crazy if she was an Asian and that's just what you think women sound like. Ah! She was very Asian, did you do a blood test? How could you tell? Yeah, I mean, just look at the eyes. Oh, man! Right, so you're from America, I take it.

He's Texas. Yeah. I love it. So whole foods, Jacob, given produce discounts to the ladies, what's your love life like Jacob? Single, very unfortunately single. How long have you been single for? A while, a few months. A few months, that's not that long. What's a few months? Hundreds and hundreds of months. A few months, a few hundred months.

I've just been single for a little tiny touch, my whole life. Do you do other dialects, other voices? That is a fucking great question, Roseanne Bar. Let's go through your entire racist depression. No, I'm just asking about one, because I bet you can do another one, huh? Like another group of humans or like a person? Yeah. Do you just call them humans? That's another group of humans. like a person. Do you just call them humans?

I'm not a group of humans. Are you talking about human beings? Yeah, human beings. I'm harsh. Sorry. Okay. Can you do Jews? Yeah.

Because are you a Jew? No, but my last name sounds Jewish, so I claim that sometimes. Yeah, but oh, so You can't do a Jew, I'm not a real Jew. No, I could do it Jewish accent. I don't know Let's hear it. All right. Here he is You might know him from his amazing Asian accent. Yeah, it's kind of like the Asian area is Jacob. Is there any AC in this train? Ah! Ah! Woo! Ah! Ah!

Oh my goodness. So far, the show 10 out of 10 on racism points tonight. Ah! Ah! Ah! David Kegner might have to cancel his flight back to Los Angeles. Ah! Ah! You're a Texan now, David.

Were you a conductor on that second piece? Because you were an Uber driver. Were you the train conductor the second time? No. And some customers complaining to you? Yeah, I mean. OK. I know it just got hot in there for them.

Like, not in the train, it was really bad. For them? For them. Yeah. I always think of, like, I have a joke, like it's like not in the train, it was really bad. For them. For them. Yeah. I always think of, like, I have a joke, like it's like Jews in a train car is like Nordstrom Racks that you can shop lift from in Dallas.

There's always room for one more. I'm sorry, I'm doing this. I just, I just awarded advice. I got a real sample app, yeah. Just a word of advice. Never put, I'm sorry, I'm never, never put Jews in a train car. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I Enjoyed it. I did

You got a laugh you got two choices laugh or cry, you know cry you cry alone like a stupid bitch laughing everybody laughs with you Rose and bar My second mother. My sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet mother. Jacob, it's been a long time since you've had a girlfriend, it seems. How did the last relationship end? I would say probably pretty negatively. I wouldn't even call it a relationship.

It was just like a multi-week fling. That left me, you know, probably hurt maybe a little bit. So how did it, how did a multi-week fling hurt you? Well, I, you know, I don't know, it's just, you know, you like to put out someone. It's okay, tell us the real truth. It's all good, they just tell us what happened. No, I was just, I- Tell us the truth so we can laugh at it. You just tell us what happened. No, I was just, I- Tell us the truth so we can laugh at it. Oh, oh, oh. Rosanne, you weren't supposed to give away

what we were gonna do. So, no, I was romantically involved with this woman and I've been on probation for those marijuana arrests. Ah, yes. COVID and I, like, dove head first, like an idiot and scared her away. So, she was moving anyway, so it wasn't that bad. I'm good. When you say like dove head first like an idiot and scared away. So she was moving anyway So it wasn't that bad. I'm good when you say you dove head first give us an example of what you did

Oh, I mean, I was just like I just made sure that person knew that I liked them a lot How can you give us an example of how you did? I didn't do anything embarrassing. I did like probably cry There's probably crying phone call It was it was like complete gone dignity. I've been rebuilding ever since. Okay. Do you remember what you cried at? Probably like one day after she broke up with me,

she was like posting pictures in a thong on Snapchat and I was like, okay, it's over. Yeah, you can't follow girls, do you like on Snapchat? Yeah, let's be real real. Let's be real real. I asked this to all the guy comics. Did she beat your ass? Uh, no. She wasn't sure. She ever beat you in the game of rape? There's a few times I didn't want it. Oh, wow. Truth comes out. Wasn't this just only a couple weeks you were away from?

Because you know a lot of these young girls are beating the guys ass these days, you know? Yeah, I know. Yeah, it's the chemicals in the water. Yeah, that's what I think, too. Jacob, let me ask you something. Is this really you? Are you, like, politically this way?

Do you feel the way that you actually talk? Or do you do a different act when you're in like the upper East Coast or something? No, I don't do a different act. My jokes are my jokes. You're the likeable you don't. Right. No, but I'm saying point it. That's not my point. This is just a recent joke that I really like that I wanted to do on Kiltoni. But it's I just started to hear your Texas accent for the first time when you were talking about how your jokes are your jokes. You're like pathological with jokes huh they come all the time you can't stop them right exactly I can see that

is this a new relationship is putting right now I think I'm seeing sparks maybe maybe you can give Rosanna ride home on your big wheel after this I got pegs I got pegs. I got pecs. Jacob Cancer, your first time on Kiltzone. I like your style. Here's a big joke book. Great stuff. There he goes.

Jacob Cancer, everyone. Jacob R. Cancer on Instagram. And like that, the show has begun. He leaves with a gel blaster and a big joke book from the great Bones Eye, the joke books are for sale at Killmerch.com. I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're gonna meet them all together now, just like we just did with Jacob.

His name is Heath Wamble to everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Heath Wamble to everyone. Oh shit, it's about to fucking go down. Heath up there about it. Heath. I'm scared He's I'm scared He's over here. He go to the microphone

60 seconds starting now for Heath Wambul Hi, how are you everybody? I've never done anything like this except for karaoke. I signed up at the Mothership Next Door. I rode my Harley down here that's all front that yellow black when everybody probably saw. From Plainville, North out of Bromass, which for a Belliger graphical location is next to Foxbro new England Patriot country. I figure down and I'm asking you know. So I am riding to Benefit Sergeant Travis Mills quadruple amputee for the Army. He's got a place up in Rome for a Veterans retreat so my ride is to benefit him. If you look him up on GoFundMe you'll see his page up there and you'll see this mug

with my highly glasses and out in front of the retreat in Rome main. I bought my bike up in La Conia and I'm trying to do something selflessly, unselfish to destroy the family court system because it is a horrible system in all right. Heath Wamble, I'm gonna cut you off right there. A very special case of me only giving 60 seconds. I'll be the West Hollywood bear on this one. Holy shit dude. Not a joke. You just came here to plug a fucking thing. So what's it for? Triple amputee. What do you say? Quadruple amputee. Oh, okay.

Triple amputee. God, if that was the answer to the question. Quadruple amputee and you're riding a motorcycle to raise money for him. So you're doing something that literally a quadruple amputee can't even do in order to raise money for a quadruple amputee. This quadruple amputee is a badass hero and he can definitely not be a bad guy. Do you have a side car for this guy or anything?

No, he's not there. You're just calling him every day, like, dude, had a great time. Another 2,000 miles today. How's bed? Unbelievable, he. I mean what a setup quadruple amputee. That's a Killtony first. I've been waiting 10 years and three months to do my quadruple amputee jokes for Christ's sake. Holy shit. I can be here to service that.

Absolutely. Look at you. I mean, you look like a guy that's riding a motorcycle across the country to raise money for a quadruple amputee. Damn right. It is unbelievable. What do we got here? Okay. The workboots. The workboots from Flamic and Maine, all the American mageyaco. You look like every member of the fucking village people mashed together. Hey, I'm a cop and do I have a tree climber? There you go. Hey, I'm a cop under in a tree climber.

There you go. You're a what? A copenter in a tree climber. OK. All right, you're a tree climber. A rope saddle chain saw as hanging from cranes. Have you ever killed anybody? I can't.

I can't. I can't. Who do you think he's chasing up the tree the whole time with a chain saw? I can't say how many. I bet you killed a lot of people. Would you in the arm services yourself? Were you in the hairy arm services? I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. Incredible. Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Oh my god. It's all here except for here. That's a incredible. Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Oh, it's all here except for here. All right, I get it. So a tree climber, a motorcycle driver, a, uh, what, what else?

A fundraiser, what else? Base player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers. Ha, ha, ha. Mr. Flea, you'll let him. Hey, Mr. Flea. What else? Bass player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers? MMMM MMMM Mr. Flea, you're legend. Hey, Mr. Flea! MMMM It's me, oh you must be talking about Mr. Flea! MMMM

It's a damn adjunct I got my sock on. Don't you rock a sock like Mr. Flea rocks a sock? MMMM What? MMMM Come on, everybody knows Red Hot Chili Pe peppers rock the sock in the concert, right? I thought you said you have a you have a shotgun

That's what I thought he said you heard that too. I was like alright. Here's my cat of the converter give it I can give it to you I love it. So tell us more about your life heath terrible 60 seconds But my guess is you're gonna be the interview of the night I my guess is you're gonna be the interview of the night. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha doing a pre-model? A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel.

A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel.

A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. A remodel. I lost my family through myself into a tree and now here I am 10 years later Rebuilt reestablished fighting the family court system raising money for quadruple empty tea and our arms are okay

All right Jesus Christ totally sober that's the for the doctor prescribed at all This is natural believing a lot Three yourself into a tree you were driving a car at the time. Yes, sir Okay, when you hit the tree did you start climbing it immediately? at the time? Yes sir. Okay when you hit the tree did you start climbing it immediately? No but it did send me up one that was my next drive into sobriety. Five months later is that tree check in Fox Pro Mass. What are the odds? Yeah. One tree closes another one opens. Oh my god. What a character you fucking are. Now I want to know about these family courts you're trying because I'm all up in that with you

Destroying the family court so I was dirty bastard. So my mom my bike is named after my mom the Donna Marie Wait, you named your motorcycle after your mom after my mama. Yes Wow, so my personality being able to get up here and all that comes for my mom She was about four foot ten and she was just a spark of life. Her favorite part of life was the boss that accident that pick it up again. Okay. Guys. Oh, guys, I mean, Michael, Jesus Christ. Hey, you know, the cut is not.

Is it y'all healthy? If you had to guess, is he not 80? Okay. He'd stick with this show up here. positions get a little rowdy sometimes They got a big raise recently and started misbehaving immediately afterwards Very backwards, but no such thing is nervous energy, right? Okay, he'd stick with me up here You're actually pretty good at this by the way. You're getting better as time goes on. You're very comfortable up here. So let's talk about some interesting ship. What's the? Okay, dokey, Rosanne. Thank you. We're gonna try to stay on some kind of track. I got it. I promise, Rosanne. I don't

have to stick with me here. What are some things that that you do that would surprise the people here? You've already talked about all the good deeds and everything, but let's talk about the dark side of Heath Wambolt first. In court, I'm a bit of a savage. I've called out to judge. I told her I was going to make her famous along with the lawyers. What are you wear to court? LAUGHTER

All right, so I used to go looking like a lawyer, but I always have to wear my boots. Right. Because I feel like I'm at work. But you know, you're supposed to respect the system. Yeah. Until the system fucks you and then fuck the system. Yeah. Because we are the people, we are the government.

You got it. So fuck them. Right. This is my fucking children. You're saying all the Rosanne say for it's tonight. Right. So. So. So. So.

So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So.

So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So.

So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. So. in it. That's right. How does that work without it? That's right. Oh, you're doing it. That's right. He said, you have to be if you're Christian, you have to believe in today, you know? He's telling the truth, amen. I love her. And when I go for a ride on my bike, Ms. Fuzzle. Wow.

You know, back when I had any kind of womanhood in my body, I would have said yes. But you you know they got me on the testosterone now But I could help you feel like a 42 year old woman again I'm 42 so I could help you feel like a 42 you're 42. I'm 42 I'll be 43 and oh my god. You're younger than my son. Oh My god, you're only three years older than me That's fucked up, dude What the fuck have you done?

What have you seen? Where else did you ride your motorcyle? Well, he says he got sober, so I guess he was all messed up on drugs and shit for a while I love cocaine, but it's not real anymore and that led one thing into the other with the drink in and the drink and that's just a demon. You talk a lot, don't you? Nowadays, yeah, but you see it's a trouble. You know you talk a lot when your best friend is a quadruple amputee. It's like, you just can't get out of the situation like fuck. I've actually never got to get what I would give for just one fucking leg right now.

So I could get the fuck out of here. Wish I lost my ears. So I've never actually got to meet Sergeant Travis Mills. I just came up with the idea to raise money for him to promote my cause of the family court So I figured if I could do something selfishly unselfish I would get noticed Absolutely has anyone ever told you that you look like a full-grown C monkey before I got the gorilla patch for a reason he's got a patch or a tattoo for everything that I've called him by the way I was part of the C monkeyMonkeys. It was a San Francisco motorcycle gang. My daughter drew the tag.

Okay. All right, there we go. You are every channel on fucking A&E smash together. I love it. Every show on A&E channel. Fuck. 1980, we were legends, man. What? It was born in 1980, we were legends, man. What?

It was born in 1980, we're legends. Okay. You hang out with other people from 1980 and talk about it? Yes, we do. All right. You haven't joined the club on Facebook yet? Or Instagram? Or any of the tweets or anything like that?

I have no idea what you just said. You are such an interesting human being, Heath. I find it so annoying that you didn't prepare a single joke. But God damn it. I'm telling ya. Well that's where I was going with these box of briefs. You and the nicotine at all, you use nicotine products of any kind ever? No sir, right? You're one of my world's good enough.

I'm gonna give you one of these small joke books with a nuclear bomb on the back. Thank you sir. Appreciate it. You're a great interview and what's the website where people can donate to the quadruple amputee so it's under stash as a travestmills on go finally you can find me mr. heath wandble now we're not giving you the money you weirdo

we're talking about the quadruple amputee come on donate money to the quadruple amputee what's the website it'll clad it'll cost you an arm in a leg he's got a commercial on Facebook. Follow Travis Mills on Facebook. He did Travis Mills. There's so many Travis Mills.

You're the worst. Travis Adger Travis Mills and Staff Adger Travis Mills Foundation. Whatever. If you can decipher that, then you win. All right, there he goes. Heath Wham Bolt to everybody. There he goes. He's whamble to everybody. There he goes

Come on he's get out of here stop touching people. Hey, get the fuck out of here Get out of here. Jesus fucking Christ. I swear to God. He hugs one more person on this stage He's gonna be a quadruple. All right Okay, I got let's I pulled a name, let's get this person up here. You guys, how many of you are really big fans of the show? I'll cut up and everything. Then you are inverse special treat. This is our newest regular who's taken everything over by storm. I just put him in his first huge theaters this past weekend, and he destroyed in San Antonio, Texas, in the beautiful Chicago theater in Chicago, Illinois.

He is really, really, really special. Make some noise, a brand new minute from the great Cam Patterson, everybody. Yeah. What's up, nigga? How y'all doing? That nigga was not 42, dawg. And no fucking way. Like I know I bite people for real. And the only reason I bite people, because I got a little sister, and she not let my little sister, it's 62-280. That's a big bitch. and she not let my little sister, it's 6-2-2-aided. That's a big bitch, you know?

You know what I'm saying? Like, who's the kid? She would always beat the fuck out of me like every day. You know what I'm saying? She would always beat me up. And my biggest fear is that she'd come in when they go camera. My boyfriend just hit me, come do something about it. And I was back home a couple weeks ago, and she called me. And she was like, can, my boyfriend just my knees would come hand in and I was like bitch call the police.

I can't help for you fucking slut. I can't help you. But that's my little sister and I love her so you know it's not I went over to, right? I went to the house and I was like, I'm like, hey, fuck, nigga, that's what I said. I'm scared. All right, fuck, nigga. How did you beat this bitch? I got a little work.

There you have it. Every single week, another brand new minute, another unbelievable set. Feeling the room with charm and charisma. That is indeed a light-skinned lady. You're always quick to find the light-skinned lady in the room. Hey, no besties, you on hand? The light-skinned are the besties. Haha, I love it. Hey, you want a rock bitch? Oh!

She's about to get one. Oh, shit! Oh, shit! Oh my goodness, look how giggly she is. She's blushing. I didn't realize the ultimate pickup line was, you want a rock bitch? Oh my goodness, look how giggly she is, she's blushing. I didn't realize the ultimate pickup line was, you want a rock bitch?

Oh shit, Cam Patterson taking over by storm, rocking the brand new, I see the tag, that is the brand new Cam Patterson shirt, going, selling quickly at Killmerch.com, comes with a free rock. I'm not kidding. Literally does. Out here making moves, making big fucking Everything's biggest shows of your life this weekend. Tell us about it.

Man, that's crazy. Like, you know what I'm saying? It was insane, bro. Uh, when my dad came to the Chicago one, and I thought he like, this one really said, No, la, I'm being a real serious motherfucker right now. My dad came and I started crying. You know what this and really see no lab being a real serious motherfucker right now My dad came and I started crying You know it's acting. It was a lot for me. You feel it. Thank you. Oh, yeah, I love that. I love it He was really crying because his dad took his paycheck that I gave him. I watched it happen. That's how it works. That's how it works in their culture. I love it. It was amazing. You came out to a huge, huge, a huge pop.

And the crowd went absolutely crazy. You were going up in the middle of these lineups, William was getting it started and then you, and I think they were really surprised to see you, but it's crazy, because you've only been on this show for two months, it's crazy how literally famous you've gotten in such a short period of time. How else is that affecting your life?

Oh, see, I... in such a short period of time. How else is that affecting your life? Oh, see, I'm... Oh, I'm out. I'm in. I'm in. Fucking like crazy, oh man. Oh, man.

Oh, man. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! I just bit, fucking. The girls are in.

Are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you, are you take are you being careful you take precautions? God your condom God my condom baby God God got a technor God God intense to repopulate the world so you might want to be careful God put toes and condoms. And we're in Texas, sir. You're going to keep that baby. You cool with that?

I like it. She wants to be the only one, though. She might want to be the only one. That's cool for right now. All right. Cam has an amazing abortion policy. If a girl gets pregnant, he's just there's a rock at her.

I'm a stone that bitch Gang violence has been called on the field that is a 15-yard penalty Keep it down the year is 2023 am I right sir? Yeah, we're doing it so Cam what else is going on anything else we should know about your life is a business is booming when we met you You were what were you doing you were a golf cart nigga right? That is correct and then you are now a what? I'm a guy down step. Well, I'm a kid Tony nigga, I'ma stand nigga, I work at the Monsignal,

but it's that I'ma, I just do a lot of shit with nigga in it, you understand? Yeah. A lot of nigga things, but I ain't robbing people no one, I'ma good. Persona, this is beautiful. I'm for the fucker, last thing to be, I'm having a good time.

Yeah. That's a good job. Yeah. Roseanne Barr, you've seen Cam Patterson before, Kurt? Well, yeah, you told me you got to watch this kid member was out there and Well, that was the other joint and you go and you got to watch this kid He has it and so I went over and leaned over the balcony and I told you this I Told you all you do you got it and you own the stage you got it all and you know I love watching you and you were here again tonight. Thank you. I mean a lot.

Thank you. You're welcome. Cam it's pretty wild. You did your first two theaters this past weekend and you did so good in Chicago that up on the rooftop bar that we were at afterwards I confirmed that you'll be on this weekend in Charlotte and Atlanta, Georgia. So it goes on and on. He's been added, literally added,

even though I already have two openers full time on the road. Everybody's doing slightly shorter sets, and I'm going with three openers, just to blow people's fucking minds and give them the best Show possible and you did that. I wasn't originally going to be my plan But you cemented yourself in that spot from doing so good so congratulations and you did it again here again tonight It's an unbelievable story folks. How loud can this place get for the future?

Camp Patterson Yeah, there you go. It goes on and on. Can't understand how we last so long. Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. Mixed noise for Angelo Diona. This is out of the bucket. We're gonna meet them all together. Angelo Diona. Wow.

I can't believe I'm here. Uh, enough because I got picked. I flew Spirit. So I can't believe I made it. Up because I got picked. I flew spirit. So I can't believe I made it. Spirit does things a little differently like the in-flight entertainment is only fans. I saw the tag hanging out one of the flight attendant uniforms. It was from party city. They're limping down the aisle with the drain cartids disgusting. I asked one of them what do you guys have to drink she goes hose water. I was like that

sounds kind of good actually I could go for a hose water. Nostalgia. Nostalgia. LAUGHTER Most airlines hear the pilot make an announcement it sounds like, boo. We're starting our descent to Austin. On Spirit, it sounds like, boo. Hey, we better land this bitch. Woo! LAUGHTER Thank you.

Okay. Angelo Diona. Okay. Welcome, Angelo. Thank you. You got to be one of the funniest funeral directors we've ever had on the show. Incredible. Business is booming.

Corpse is coming in left and right. That's right. I love it. Okay, welcome. Angelo, how long have you been to in stand-up. That's right. I love it. OK, welcome. Angela, how long have you been doing stand up? This is my first time. OK, first time ever. Here's the goat of the first time.

Popping his cherry here in front of a million plus viewers and listeners. How does it feel? How do you think that went? It went pretty good. I thought it was going to go pretty good. It went pretty good. OK. You thought your expectations? It went pretty good. I thought it was going to go pretty good. It went pretty good. OK.

You thought your expectations were set it pretty good. And you hit pretty good. OK. Where did you really fly Spirit on your way here? I did, actually. Where did you fly in from? From LA. From LA.

So you could have started in LA. What made you fly all the way from the enter, supposed entertainment capital of the world to Austin, Texas to start stand-up comedy here? Why would you do? And LA is such a big deal. Just a... Go ahead, Angela. Let me answer the questions so that everyone can hear. A big fan of the show. I just wanted to do something scary and this seemed like the place to do it. If you wanted to do something scary and this seemed like the place to do it.

If you wanted to do something scary, have you thought about turning the lights slightly down and looking at yourself in the mirror? That's you. That's his alarm clock and his phone ringer. Oh, you laughed into the microphone there, Angela. Do you have any dark special powers or do you just look like that? No, I just look like this. Okay. Do you ever have to like shave horns down or anything? Do they grow out?

No. Okay. Do you ever sometimes wake up and next to your bed there's a pitch fork and you don't know why. Perhaps you let it find yourself attracted to standing on the fire when you're near the campfire. Okay, I'm just doing it because David's laughing so hard. No one else in the room's even laughing but I'm just gonna keep doing devil jokes until he stops laughing. Here's a liquid death. If you want that, instead of thirst or the purified drinking water. Oh, here's another.

So this is your first time ever doing stand-up at all? Yes, sir. You've never been in front of a crowd doing this at all? No. Wow, okay. That was pretty good. You actually knew what to do. You knew what to do. To take the mic out and start.

Now, did you write this set on the way? Because you were clearly inspired by Spirit Airlines? No, I just knew I was going to fly Spirit. Okay, so she had weeks. I had a week. Okay. What was your original plan? Before the spirit ride? We know that you do work with a lot of spirits.

Hell yeah, Paul Deamer on the horns. So what was your original set going to be about before the plane ride from hell? It's funny. I used to work in a nursing home Yeah, it was about the nursing home Okay, tell us what was that one of those jokes gonna be let's see if you made the right choice Cutting I didn't write the joke yet. It was just the story of the joke yet? It was just the story of... Okay. Oh, I'm just a nurse now.

I'm a nurse! Hi. How long did you work in the nursing home for? Two weeks. Two weeks? Oh boy, you just couldn't wait. Could ya? Just walked in, right, with a thick syringe. They were on to you that quick, huh? So what happened? Why only two weeks?

I was fired. For what? There's a machine that lifts people up out of a wheelchair and you can put them in bed. Like a quadruple amputee machine? It's actually what's called. The old potato picker upper. I lifted a guy out of the wheelchair and it takes him like five feet in the air. I actually need one of these because I want to raise myself up when I do a bad joke. I think that might be what I need is a wheelchair picker upper.

Okay, go ahead, but I didn't know how to put it down. So I took him out of the wheelchair. Oh, and you just left him there? You shut off the lights and you left? What? He was telling me a story as I had him over the bed. And I couldn't get the button all around. OK.

And then what happened? You can't get the button to work, so you fucked him. That was the end. And then what happened you can't get the button to work so you fucked him You got him lifted five feet up in the air perfect oral sex hide for you on milking remember Yeah, and then eat what the fuck put your microphone away What the fuck put your microphone away? Oh, you were there. Now finish. What happened to him? He actually fell asleep while he was in the thing. Wow.

And they're like horizontal. They look like the shittiest magician ever. Oh, yeah. He has risen. Right. And he fell asleep and I thought this is the perfect exit. So I walked out. Well, falling asleep is the best type of falling. Someone in that position can do. You got to look at the positives there.

So what did your boss say? She came to me and she said, you were the last we hold on. We just lost Lenny Kravitz to a cocaine addiction. There he goes. What? She knew it was the last person to take him to his room so she came to me and after she walked into his room so she took me to his room and he was still up there asleep. So then I thought I don't know how to lower it. I'm not a bad person. She knows how to lower it. She left him there to show you. To show me how fucked up what you did was. Right, but I didn't know how to lower it. You didn't ask anybody. I didn't know how to lower it. You didn't ask anybody, you didn't think about calling a supervisor

and going, hey, I'm having a little trouble finding the lower button here. Yeah. That's fucked up. Yeah, that is fucked up. That's really fucked up. So now we know, if we know you're this fucked up at work, tell us, Angelo, what type of fucked up shit do you do when you're not working? I play a lot of video games.

I'm like ranked in Madden, play online. Madden? Oh my goodness. But you know who else is Madden? The guy that you left up on a thing. He's mad and scared. Okay. Let's keep going.

You're personal. Video games are boring. Let's go. What else? What's your love life like? Is there any girls out there that you, um, or boys or whatever you're into? Yeah, it's girls, but no.

How come? I'm busy. Too busy, huh? Too busy to do what we were put on the planet to do, huh? Too busy playing Madden, huh? I think Cam's got it covered. Yeah, exactly. But luckily there's Cam making up for all the girls

that you're too busy for, Angelo. All right, there you go. You did it, Angelo, your first time ever on this show. You're leaving with a medium-sized joke book, handcrafted by Bones Eye. There he goes, everybody. Angelo Fiona, no, I don't believe this But maybe who knows what gonna I literally I'm not fucking around I don't think this is the actual person

But I'm gonna say the name anyway out of the bucket make some noise for Alex Jones, everyone. Alex Jones. Ah. What's up everybody? My name is Alex Jones. It fucking sucks. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It is so bad. Imagine trying to get a loan. Be the end of all your jokes. I tried to coach my kids football team. We're having it.

But I don't have a ton in common with the actual Alex Jones, except for the fact I'm going through a vicious divorce right now. The worst thing, my wife cheated on me, Yadiada, and just like a lot of people when I found out, I found out going through her phone, and it was like, fuck, dude, oh my god. She's texting Elliot. I think we have the fuck as,

Elliot's a trans man. Anybody that's keeping score, that's a girl that takes mustache fields. So anyway, I'm like, fuck, dude, this is terrible. So what can I do? How can I reconcile this? Obviously, the marriage mustache fields. So anyway, I'm like, fuck, this is terrible. So what can I do? How can I reconcile this? Obviously, the marriage is over. It's horrible. I'm fucking destroyed. The only way I can get okay with this situation is if I fuck Ellie. Absolutely, Alex Jones. Hello, Alex. So that really is your name, huh?

It is my name. And that's what you go by. Do you make dinner reservations under that name? It is wild. It is wild. Do you ever just, do you ever think about using a different name? I've thought about it but it feels fake. Right.

You know, it's not me and... Have you ever met the actual Alex Jones? i have not but my mother has what did your mother what was your mother's relationship with uh... with Alex Jones she's so my mom she started she sent me a picture of the ocean that's oh shit. That's fucking Alex Jones. Wait Are they in the capital steps?

Wait, what the fuck? Oh wow My mom is Karen Jones. Oh Karen Jones from the show. Oh my god legend of the game Capital stormer. Yes One of the most in a huge fan of her is Ann as a record holder for one of the longest interviews in the history of the show at 26 minutes Karen Jones who stormed the actual capital. Allegedly, allegedly. Yeah, allegedly. No, she was okay. Rosanne was there. She let everybody up there.

Rosanne was the tour guide. All right, come on everybody, let's go! Follow me! Rosanna was the tour guide. All right, come on everybody, let's go! Follow me! It's all right, I'm Rosanna, let us in! I love it. Okay, Alex Jones, the son of a woman that stormed the capital named Alex Jones. For those of you with your Republican bingo cards,

you must be close at this point. This is unbelievable. So what do you do for work, Alex? So I was in sales my whole life, got really lucky, and I was an early employee at Zoom. And so I randomly did well, and then now I chased my passion project, which is the best passion project ever, the fastest growing docu series podcast in an alley about Killatoni.

So we have a docu series podcast where we interview people before and after the day. All right, all right, that's enough. I fucking love it. It sounds like an unauthorized documentary to me. Yeah. Is your goal fun me attached to this? No money, no money. It's going to end up, we're going to end up suing him

if he makes a penny. What are your thoughts on the family court system, sir? It's funny. You know, I interviewed that guy right before the show. And we got deep. I mean, obviously, so yeah, I have pretty strong opinions. I'm just going through divorce. So I am.

OK, let's talk about this divorce. Hey, did your wife I have pretty strong opinions. I'm just going through divorce. So I am okay. Let's talk about this divorce Hey, did your wife beat your ass? No No, not yet Alex, let's talk about this divorce is what you said true is it true that your wife cheated with a Trans yeah, it's crazy So tell us more how did you so how did you find out Ellie? It was a trans. Yeah, that's crazy. Yeah. So tell us more. How did you find out, Ellie? It was a trans.

Did you know, Ellie Fucker? What, no, the goal is to eventually fuck her, to reconcile my feelings. So you did fuck her? No, no, no, no. He didn't. I got your goal. Yeah, yeah, that's my goal.

So stick with me here, Alex Jones. How did you find out that, Ellie, it was trans? You really went through your wife's? No, I mean, the second. Well, let's start even sooner. What made you go through your wife's phone in the first place You had your specials you know, you know, you know, you know, you don't or I wouldn't have asked the question Just let's take this one step at a time. I'll ask the question then you answer it. Okay, what made you go through her phone in the first place? I had suspicions in general. I had a few dreams that she had cheated on me. Whoa! Are you sure you're not the trans man? Holy shit!

So... I found out because my fucking... ...horsescope, so... I was looking at my minerals and I realized something's in retrograde. It is my wife cheating on me. Oh my goodness. Ma, I think my wife's cheating on me. But yeah, I saw a text come through on a Friday night from Elliott.

I knew who Elliott was because Elliott manages the bakery that we take our family to every Sunday is like a family tradition. Whoa. The baker's given your wife a yeast infection. That's incredible. That is unbelievable. Holy shit. Oh my goodness gracious.

She was, she was, she was, she was pumping your nickel. The baker was holy shit. So what do you get from this bakery? I mean, I know what your wife gets. She gets her cakes pounded, everybody. Hell yeah, that's a baker's dozen. Oh yeah, tell us more. What would you go to the bakery for?

I would go, we have three beautiful kids. We would order breakfast, coffee, the whole spread. Oh yeah. But they're also going through a credit card. Speaking of the whole spread, how's your exploit? Biscuits. Biscuits has been called in the field. That is the word of the day.

So if you look under your chair, you might find a ball. And if you have a ball, you just won $7 million. Because the word biscuits has been said. People are scrambling around the room, looking for their ball for those of you who are listening to the podcast. OK. OK.

OK. OK. So let me ask you this. Did Elliott the trans baker can't make it up? Do you think Elliott had the operation? Did she turn her vagina into a what I call a quadruple amputee? No, she did not, but she did remove her top half. Remove the top, so it's basically you with no dick. Yeah, no, no, like five to 103 pounds, little tiny thin mustache. Wow, so what do you think it is? Do you think your wife just wanted to be the big spoon for a change? Yeah, honestly, yeah, yeah, yeah, I think.

Did she? Honestly, she saw the Barbie movie twice, and it was like, I knew it was over, I was like, fuck, I'm I think that's right. It honestly she saw the Barbie movie Twice and it was like I knew it was over. I was like fuck you shut the fuck up. I swear to God You shut the fuck up. I swear to fucking God You shut and that's not part of your fucking joke. I mean, I'm My friend the funniest thing you've said in seven minutes and 46 seconds This real is the good stuff. So you're having dreams that she's cheating on you. She's fucking opening up to the baker a little bit more than usual. Right? Trying to fill her doughnut holes and whatnot.

And all of a sudden, you notice that she goes to see the Barbie movie twice. And then that's when you fucking. And then I saw text come through from Elliott and boom, boom, boom. It was like at the math. I was like, what was the text in which you knew like, fuck, she's fucking Elliott. Well, it was all those things, open the phone,

and there were hundreds and hundreds and hundreds. So I just searched my name and it was like shit talking. Wow. Fucking hell. All the worst fucking thing. It was the craziest thing I swear to god so how long you did exactly did this happen what happened it happened I Found out in March, uh-huh, and then you know we got kids I'm trying to fix this shit so we try

But Swiggy is having a seizure Okay, thank you Swiggy relax over there buddy. Thank you. There you go. You got so one could say this is relatively fresh Yeah, the fresh break story. Yeah, it's hot and fresh Hot and ready. Yeah, yeah Okay, have you been with a woman since Your wife has left you in any way Yes, okay. What did you do? You hooked up with a trans man. Yeah. No, no, what happened? You know, you get crushed in the immediately like, oh, fuck, I suck. I'm like

horrible. And they're like, wait, let me put myself out on the market and find what happened. Get in dating app. Turns out there's a sea of divorced fucking 35 year old nurses or three kids So yeah like my demographic there was a lot to choose from right yeah a lot There's even a 42 year old Harry dude in a motorcycle best There's a lot going on out there Yeah, no, but I met a great girl, you know, but yeah I'm just starting to date a little bit and just try to like yeah get through it So how's dating going? It's been a long time for you.

Is it a little awkward? You're out there just going, yeah, so my name's Alex Jones. It sucks. You just doing your material to these girls? Yeah, no, no. I mean, it's going well. It's fun. And yeah, I like to talk. And I always bring up Killtony and just like kind of the comedy scene because it's a fun thing that's going on. You seem like such a sweet good man. I am, it's crazy. My goodness.

What's like the toughest thing about you? What's like a manly thing about you, Alex Jones, other than your name? I was captain of my college football team. OK. That's what I mean. So was Bruce Jenner, right? Yeah. Come on.

You got to do better than that. Yeah, that's true. The toughest thing about me. Right now, the toughest thing about you. The toughest thing about me right now the toughest thing about you The toughest thing of I mean have you had your testosterone levels checked lately? Yeah, do you I'm off the fucking charts? Hi, yeah, hi Wow, have you had your estrogen levels? Funny you should mention I'm the new Guinness World Record holder for high Red man, we can give you some we have a way to do it in the sponsor

Yeah, we could if you're if your levels off, we could hook you up with our friends over ways too well. The number two being in the middle. You're insisting that your testosterone is high. I mean, I'm always willing to get a little higher. So, but no, I mean, it is. Okay, toughest thing about you right now, let's talk about it. Yeah, I mean, toughest thing is this is shit I'm going through, you know, just like the

mental toughness and the stuff you have to deal with like we fucking told our kids on Sunday. Oh my god. You mean like yesterday or a week ago? Yes, today. Yeah, fucking yesterday. So let me ask you this. Did you tell me, uh, mommy's leaving daddy for the baker that's a trans man? Yeah, what did you say? What did you say? That was my next question. Well, no, so she's like, well, we need to talk. Mommy and Dad are getting divorced and blah blah blah blah.

And while she's talking, I'm like behind her. I'm like, you know, they're like, what? Because my son, he gets it. He's smart. He's nine. He was like, this is fucked up. No, go ahead. This is great. This is what we call great podcast

Yeah, exactly so I mean it sounded like he had a gun to his head begging for us like please don't do this Please don't do this why are you? You see the oldest or the youngest? The oldest yeah nine so it's what nine seven nine five and three Four oh that horror So yeah, it really is it really that is exactly what I have this down to I mean I mean if you're gonna fucking if you're gonna leave a good guy for the trans Baker You got to wait a bit if you have kids that young yeah, you gotta let you gotta let it roast in the oven a little

It's not your fault chose the wrong person, a dirty whore. Yeah. Now she's an even dirtier whore. She's dirtier than ever right now. That's true. Because of the flower baked. It's a white powder everywhere. Just trying to think of this.

This is a white powder everywhere. And that's also, I do believe, white powder is also what comes out of a trans woman's up, a giant orange. Let's go, Bonnie! Wow, this is a wild, wild story. Alex, this is your first time on the show, huh? Yes, sir. You know, um, this set was OK, but the interview, again, I find so amazing. You did so good, so honest. And we found some new jokes for you in there.

That's what the show's all about. Alex Jones, ladies and gentlemen, is Piltoni debut. The son of Karen Jones. Another name has been pulled out of the bucket. You guys having fun out there, huh? Your next comedian goes by the name of Kevin Willard everybody. Here we go 60 seconds for Kevin Willard. Yeah. One more time for Kevin Willard everybody. Come on. Both of my parents are deaf, which is why they never heard my cries for help. And as they often told me they're hearing aids don't pick up on little bitch frequencies.

They would tell me that all the time. One fun thing about having deaf parents though is I could play a little trick. My dad and I would be in an argument. He'd be like, what the fuck you're failing out of high school? And I'd be like, okay, okay, I'll try harder. You fucking piece of shit, asshole. One time I did that something weird happened though. He was yelling at me. I turned around. I was like, fuck you, piece of shit. He was like, what was that? I was like, I caught you. you fucking liar. Like I thought I just caught him pretending to be deaf my whole life.

And he was like, no, no, no, there's a mirror behind you. When you were turned around, I read your lips in the reflection, so I turned around. There was no mirror there. I turned back around, my dad was gone. Now's the last time I saw my father. But I heard he was a good guy, I'm not really sure. Kevin Wailard. Welcome.

You've been on this show before. Couple times. Yeah. How did that this one go compared to the other times? It felt a little better. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, that was a good one. It felt a little upset. Yeah, I think so. Yeah, that's like a solid set. How long have you been on standup?

Four and a half years. And remind us, what do you do for work? I work over at a place called Vulcan Gas Company. Absolutely. The original landing spot of Kiltoni here in Austin, Texas. There was no other venue that we went to whatsoever at all. Ever any period of time deleted from the history books forever any

other venue whatsoever. So Kevin Willard, how have things been what's changed since the last time we saw you? What have we covered in your interviews? Remind me of what I say, my went through all my funeral director, devil jokes already because you might be the scariest one. Yeah, that's a lot of times. It got a laugh, a lot of times. Oh, I actually did do that. Yeah.

Okay, doke. Oh, we talked about in-depth parents, we talked about my criminal history. What was that? What was that? I've always thought my life had a crush on Roseanne Bar. We talked about. Oh wow. We said stuff like that.

Amazing. Well, it's funny you mentioned that because Roseanne was just telling me that she wants to hook up with the AIDS-ridden corpse of Tom Hanks. So I think that you have a chance to. Because that's what you look like. So perhaps you could live some of her fantasies out on you. I love it. Tom Hanks is a good looking guy.

Even if he has a, it's I'd smash myself. Wow, look at that. I'll see. OK. One of the Hanks, two in the spanks. That's what I always say. One in the gump, two in the plump. You know what I'm saying?

All right, here we go. Kevin Willard, what's changed since the last time we saw you You know I spent a lot of time at home Staring at the wall jerking off watching reruns a show called Rose Ann Okay, Kevin You pandering a real good show Yeah, yeah, I'll go to the program. I watch a lot of reruns of that how old are you 49 come on Kevin oh I'm so broad bang 36 okay 36 years old wow yeah yeah why did you say wow like that I don't know all right 24 are you are you what's

going on here Kevin are you okay you freaking out a little bit what's happening right why are you saying different numbers? My heart's beating fast. I'm an age. I was born at a certain time and then years went by and now the age that I am now Okay, Kevin. Is there anything interesting about your life right now? What's whoever you're really failing at this interview part? There's a decent 60 seconds, but no, I don't know something I you come out here and you know It's not like the way you would expect to be, uh, your face is right or the I would have imagined it would have been. Right. Okay. Anything else you've already done, we've done the show. What, I'm asking you about you.

Okey-dokey. There you go. Is everybody Kevin Whaler to decent 60 seconds. And then perhaps a little baby stroke, perhaps a sign of a triple or quadruple vaccination there People have a little bit of a slow live rate when they got that Mederna running through I pulled names out of the buck until we found a lady is that cold We haven't had a female comedian up tonight. There's the greatest female stand-up comedian of all time sitting here Is it okay if we get a lady up here, huh? Make some noise for your next comedian. It is Celia Contreras. Here we go a new 60 seconds from Celia Contreras. Oh, we know Celia

Make some noise one more time for Celia everybody There's one more time for Celia, everybody. All right, before we get in the actual jokes, I just want to say if you're out there and have a disability, don't let it stop you from making the type of person you want to be. Thank you. My mom's colorblind and she still races as hell. I got in trouble when I was a kid because I read a poster that said it's never too late to do the right thing. So I was inspired.

I went home and tried to kill my sister with a coat hanger. I don't trust people who go to wine tasting parties. Something about people who pay to spit out alcohol, it offends me as a cap again and alcoholic. I don't trust people who go to wine tasting parties. Something about people who pay to spit out alcohol, it offends me as a cap again and alcoholic. I don't trust people who go to wine tasting parties.

Something about people who pay to spit out alcohol, it offends me as a cap again and alcoholic. Especially if you're atheist, because if you can't swallow the blood of your enemies, what fucking good are you? I ask you, mother fuckers, a question. I ask you, mother fuckers, a question. I ask you, mother fuckers, a question.

I ask you, mother fuckers, a question. I ask you, mother fuckers, a question. I ask you, motherfucker's a question. I Unfucking believable. Perhaps the set of the night, right down the barrel. I believe you were just on, uh, what, a week or two ago, right? Three weeks ago. Three weeks ago. Three weeks ago. I had all the charming comments in the live chat.

It's fun to make a drinking game every time they say it looks like a refrigerator or door they explore. That's right. That's right. I love it. Holy shit, I just realized who you are. Yeah, it's Roseanne Barr. This is the great David Keckner here. Hi. Hi, David, I don't know who you are.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Celia. Celia, yes you do. Do you want me to lie? No, you do take your hat off. David take your hat off I'm just a guy there you go. You son of a bitch. I will watch your shit when I get home tonight. Oh my god I've already seen it you've already seen it. Are you gonna watch hot tub tub time machine? Oh Oh my god, I'm a fucking idiot. I'm shit. Oh my God. I'm a fucking idiot. All right.

I'm a fucking idiot. My bad. What's that? I'm an idiot now. It's so dumb, you know. And you're also built like a hot tub and a time machine. So that's pretty wild. Celia, every single time you've ever

been on this show, you've killed for the minute. You roll with all the jokes that happen to you and with you up on this stage. Incredibly well, much better than all the boys. You answer the questions better than a fucking all these other people, always direct. How do you think you ended up, you're such up what seems to be a pure stand-up comedian.

How do you think you ended up this way? I actually wanted to do stand-up when I was a little girl. After I saw George Lopez, why are you crying with my family? And my mom said, honey, you can be anything in the world, but make sure you're a mother and a wife. And you can be present in the United States, but you can't be a standup comedian, because women aren't funny.

Wow. Wow. Wow. And you're like, so fuck it, I'm gonna be a refrigerator. Hey, the person on the live chat was correct. There it is. Take a shot. Take a shot. So then what happened? Tell us more. Is this something that you,

did you believe your mom when she told you that? Yeah, I started looking at marine biology because I look at your whales. Wow, hell yeah. Absolutely. And I would guess that they love you too. I think you are great. I think you are great.

Your writing is fantastic. You got it all, girl. It is unbelievable. I Want to see you get even meaner. I Love that you got the dark negative attitude. God. I love that so much. I'd love to see it tear a few people's asses wide open I do do roast battles periodically. Oh cool. Yeah. Awesome.

You can hold your own. No doubt about it. Celia, what else is going on in life? An unbelievable set, incredible story. Tell us more. What's up to date? You were on three weeks ago. Anything change?

A good friend of mine passed away and I haven't been handling it well so I've just been like over drinking like more than I usually do and I am a fucking lousy anyjaldin know that. Which by the way let me tell you I can back this up her the first time we ever met her she did a minute on a killtony in Phoenix, Arizona she blew my mind away so incredible through the set through the interview that I gave her a guest spot on my stand-up show the next night, sold out stand-up live comedy club in Phoenix, Arizona, and which is a 600, 700 seat room.

It's a huge, and you killed again, and I always have a bottle of crown royal every green room. It's my own bottle that's always waiting for me, and you drank it. No, you drank it. No, you drank it You remember drinking it like this like glir glir glir glir glir and I'm like you got that's all you dude You fucking enjoy and she just kept drink she was drinking it like it was fucking apple juice There was no like after was no

Anything in my defense like at the time I was living at the homeless shelter. And like, I wasn't gonna go back that night because I got the spot so I was gonna sleep on the street. So I was partially downing it so it'd be easier. I totally, I totally get that. So, hey, have you ever beat a guy's ass? Yes.

Oh, honey, yes. Absolutely. I knew you had. I knew you had. What's the biggest thing you ever threw at a guy? Biggest thing? Her sells. No. I'm not sure. Yeah, I guess myself followed by a guitar and one time and the first Xbox, the big bulky one,

so not the 360 though. Well, that still had the X shape on it. Celia, how much time do you think you have total if you had to do your best but longest, but at that rate? My best longest, unfortunately, is only 20 minutes. I'm trying to get better. Perfect.

I, you're from Phoenix, right? Born and raised? good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good.

That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good.

That's good, that's good, that's good. That's good, that's good, that's good. But you have family still near the Phoenix area? I have some siblings there. Okay. November 18th, I'm doing the celebrity theater in Phoenix, Arizona. November 18th, that is a massive, one of the biggest theaters in your hometown. Would you like to do a guest spot on that show? This bitch is about to turn me down.

I can tell. I already know, she's such a comedian, look at her pretending like she wants to. Sorry, no, I really do want to, I just need to figure out my finances and shit's like, no, I'm gonna fly you out and pay you to do a guess for her. And I'm gonna put you in a hotel, a separate hotel room, by the way. You're not staying with me. Aaron! You're just playing. room by the way you're not staying with me. And...

And I know you just moved here I would love to have on the secret show Thursday. Wow! A theater in your hometown You can, and anybody you want to put on the guest list, you can. I want all those people that told you that you're not going to be a stand-up comedian to watch you. Luckily, I know your mom and your dad will be watching you from the best seats possible side stage because they can sit wherever they want. Holy shit, you want to tell her that? You should tell Holy shit, you wanna tell her that? You should tell her. You should fucking tell her that. I'm going on tour in October to Florida

to do six dates you wanna open for me. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! This is Kill Tony. I'll pay you. I'll pay you. I'll pay you.

I'll pay you. Okay. Everyone's going to love you. I love you. You're great. I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I, yeah, I'll pay you. Okay. Everyone's gonna love you. I love you. You're great. Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching the live story of Celia Contreras, everybody.

Woo! Woo! That's the best victory ever! See ya, congratulations! Amazing! It's all happening, folks. I mean, there's only one way to end a show like this. I mean, absolutely incredible. Storyline evening, unbelievable guests guests unbelievable compelling bucket pulls shit even red band didn't fuck up once the whole show something's in the

air tonight I'm tearing up from that well red band by the way actually has tears in his eyes for the story of Celia Contreras he can relate to a an overweight woman making it in show business. Yes. Ladies and gentlemen, to end tonight's show, I present to you the man who has the record for most appearances on the show, the most interviews on the show, the most killings in the history of the show. Kilt Tony Hall of Famer, Memphis Strangler, Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, this is William Butterfucking Montgomery, everybody.

Let's go. The weather channels, Jim Cantori, refused to cover Hurricane Hillary in California because he said most people who talk about Hillary end up missing or dead. The California Hurricane Hillary has been rough. I think Hillary killed 26 people and the storm killed four. But seriously, Hillary has only killed four people so far, but half of those will be reported as suicides or freak plane crash accidents. Imagine you love eating ants so much they make that your official name.

They're like, hey, I know what we should call them. Have you seen what they eat? That's all they eat.'m talking about an an eater. Okay, okay I'm riding a children's book about a white upper-class male athlete who gets teased by the other third graders for having a large penis It's called the David Kackner story Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Wow, the great William Montgomery everybody doing it again. Add on to his statistic the most new minutes in the history of the show. An absolute freak of nature. Starting out all these theater shows to the biggest pop you can possibly imagine

Yeah, it's super exciting. I mean in Chicago after the fucking show I was still riding off of the high and I think Tony was too Because I was again. I was not gonna keep doing this But Tony and I ended up strangling three fucking homeless people In Chicago is exciting seeing how pumped Tony got me and me and I. We're so pumped strangling the life out of these two Filipino dudes. It is really true. The Chicago Theater, one of the oldest, most iconic, famous theaters in the country, after you do a set like that up there, there is no real way to feel any more satisfaction. There's no more like serotonin or dopamine left other than murdering people.

Yeah, just strangling the life out of Filipino people. Oh well, I mean, I don't think we had to give away the race of our innocent homeless victims, William. Yes, sorry, it's not always Filipinos, sometimes it's other people. Okay. William Montgomery with another rock solid set. Those hurricane Hillary jokes are absolutely hilarious. Thank you. Yeah. It's happening now. Yeah. I start getting worried about telling that Hillary stuff because she is gonna come after me. I've been getting these weird phone calls. I

mean, I'm literally starting to get nervous that they're gonna pin a couple of those fucking stranglings on me back from Memphis From this past week in in Chicago. I mean, it was too like Harry Filipino dudes I think they're gonna fucking get that on me. So I had to be super careful But yeah, I was thinking about those Hillary jokes today about the hurricane William Montgomery one of the great comedians and Improvisers of the history of the show. You're up here with both legends of stand-up and

improvising and comedic acting. So what do you have any questions or anything for these legends of the game? Yeah, David is it true that you do in fact have a big penis and you're starting to play football in the third grade. Is that a true? Sure. For the purposes of this, yes, ending this bit, yes.

Okay. It got in the way and I was made fun of. Where was that Minneapolis? Minneapolis? Or Missouri. So it's in M.I. So you're right there? Yeah.

In my, yeah, that must have been so exciting and also kind of weird. Also very traumatic, but you know, those that what's doesn't kill us right Exactly exactly for sure Rosanne is that True that you played a lot of women's Basketball and you have big ariolas and they were making fun of your ariolas on the team They did they call their ariola Jordan They did, they call their aerial a Jordan. So stupid. We're doing it.

It's absolutely true, back in the day. Okay, okay. In Rosé we got to smoke some more weed again, maybe tonight. Fuck, their weed is fucking, I said it's Viet Cong weed. Because we strangled a couple fucking be a cog people after we spoke to It made me want to dig a tunnel with a spoon and then Shoot down heli copters with a straw Well, maybe someday I would love to do that with you. Maybe someday. I'd love it. That was some good. It was good. Maybe tonight after the show we can do that again

Oh boy, I brought a joint of my own that's real good California weed By the way, Roseanne I'm gonna tell you something that William is not going to tell you because he's never been given this compliment that you just gave him before But that weed that you smoked without any question at all was actually my weed William just handed you the blunt so you thought it was William's weed and you gave him credit for it on your podcast, but no big deal it was mine. Tony, you promised you were gonna tell her that, dude. You have some real Viet Cong Wee. John Dees has the craziest of it all there you go You can have it you can you can have it now that the episode is ending Rose Yeah, you're about to be on another fucking planet dude Rosie. Can I get it?

Or not oh shit the queen B Rose and You know what I think you know what I think William I think now I Texas needs to make this shit legal you're goddamn right you're goddamn yeah what the fuck's going on cover to wrap it get out of your wheelchair and sign it into law! Yeah, he's mad because he can't get any higher. Right. Isn't that crazy? Isn't that crazy?

It's just crazy that it's not legal in Texas. It is crazy. I hate it. Because it's a freedom state, right? Yeah. Yeah. And a party state. That's all a freedom state, right? Yeah. Yeah. And a party state. That's all they do out here.

It's drinking party. Load the river. And they're scared of weed. What the fuck? Everybody's grandparents smoke pot out here. That's why it's so fun. Everybody's getting high with their grandparents and their parents.

You know what I think, Roseanne? Now that you took a hit of that weed. And there's just no other way to put a ribbon on an episode. Oh, no, no, no. You know what I think think we should do we have the best band in the land here I think you should take us away with a song well, but I can't remember no words now You can't you admit a pull it up on the okay? Should I think stairway to heaven? Let's do that you guys know stairway to heaven? Or favorite song, Get Up Stand Up.

What how many you think stairway to heaven? Or how many you think Get Up Stand Up. Okay, do you know the words of that? No. Okay, I'll look up. I'll look up those words. I just love that song because it's so right now we're sick and tired of your isms schism say die and go to heaven and or Jesus name yeah We know Hold on let them we're gonna get it cooking for a second here

Get up hold on hold on wait let them they're gonna tune up for You guys have fun here tonight, huh? Thank you to chill blaster red rose yellow rose hall firm connect mobile health calm ways to well see I'm smokehouse kill merge calm and screw ball peanut butter whiskey also Sing it with me You all know it right This is singing with me. You all know it, right? This is all about now.

This is where we're going through right now. We're all here in this moment. Only us are here. Bones are locked up. You guys feel the energy at all? Yeah. Stand up for you, right? Get up, stand up for your rights. Get up, stand up! Don't give up, but bye!

That's not the word. But those are not the words. Listen, you follow me. You bitches follow me now, because I got the words. Okay. Get up, stand up, stand up for your right. Get up, stand up, stand up for your right. Get up, stand up, stand up for your right.

Get up, stand up. Don't give up, I'm fine. Pret your man don't tell me heaven is under the earth. I know you don't know what life is truly worth. He says all that good is his gold. But have that story has never been told. And now you see the line, hey, you stand up for your right. Come on, get up, stand up.

Stand up for your right. Get up, stand up. Don't give up the fight. Get up, stand up. Yay! Stand up for your right. Get up, stand up. Don't give up the fight. Most people think

Great God will come from the fight. Most people think great God will come from the sky. Take away everything and make everybody feel high. But if you know what life is worth, you will look for yours on earth. And now you see the light, hey, stand up for your right, yeah get us set up, set up for your right. Get up, set up. Talk about that, bye bye. He's struggling. Listen to this, listen. Listen to these words.

Pop Marley, listen. We're sick and tired of your ism, schism, say, go, die and go to heaven in Jesus name Lord. We know and we understand Almighty God is a living woman. You can fool some people sometimes, but you can fool all the people all the time. Now we see the line, What are you gonna do? Shut up boy! Alright! Yeah! I can't help but sit up.

Maxim Nois for David Keckner! Shut up boy! Alright! How long can this play skate for the great and powerful Roseanne Barr? How about the Big and machine, William Montgomery? Michael Gonzalez on the drums, Paul Deemer on the horns, Matt Muleing on the electric, John Dees on the keys, D-Mannness on the bass, the drawing from Ryan J. E-Belt is in and it is indeed amazing. Grozan and David Kekner live, drawn during the episode, it's amazing.

And the great Chris Rogers drew David Jolly tonight, everybody, local artists. The arena has sold out on New Year's Eve. The band plays Wednesday, this Wednesday, at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. I'm on tour all around the country for the rest of the year. Very exciting stuff to get SatoniHinchClip.com for those that remain. Congratulations again to Celia Contreras, what an episode. The rest is history. We'll see you guys next week guys check out the sunset strip at

ATX.com Good night everybody. Thank you very much Good night. Thank you I'm gonna going to be a little bit more serious. I'm not going to be a little bit more serious. I'm not going to be a little bit more serious. I'm not going to be a little bit more serious. I'm not going to be a little bit more serious. I'm not going to be a little bit more serious. I'm not going to be a little bit more serious. I'm not going to be a little bit more serious.

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