KILL TONY - #630 - DR. PHIL (ADAM RAY) + SAM TALLENT

Episode Date: October 3, 2023

Dr. Phil (Adam Ray), Sam Tallent, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 09/11/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:KACHAVA – Nutrient-Rich Superfoods – 10% OFF FIRST ORDER – https://www.kachava.com/collections/kill-tony-podcast—HELLOFRESH.COM – Go to HELLOFRESH.COM/50KTSHOW and GET 50% off, plus free shipping!—ZIPPIXTOOTHPICKS.COM – CODE: “KILLTONY10” FOR 10% OFF ORDER!—SHEATH UNDERWEAR – Go to SHEATHUNDERWEAR.COM and use promo code “TONY” for 20% off!

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. All are merch can be found for Kill Tony at Kill Merch.com. Tony's on a brand new Tories going all over the place to check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Killtony Band and the secret show is every single Thursday Get Tickets at SunsetStrip ATX.com.

And now a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey everybody, Killtony live from the H.E.B. Center in Austin, Texas. Saturday, December 30th at 7 p.m. Just went on sale and you have to trust me. Tickets are going lightning fast. It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kiltzone ever in an arena. This is two and a half three times as big as the ACL live theater that we did for the 10 year anniversary. We've become an arena act. So check it out. It's going to be crazy. A lot of surprises, a lot of fun, unbelievable guests. It's a big production. This is our version of WrestleMania. Go to ticketmaster.com. Look up Kiltoni. It's the one with tickets available. We're going back to back nights, the 30th and the 31st, HEB Center live.

Hey, all Kill Merch is on fire. New hats, Camp Patterson Merch, the rowdy, rowdy, piper, homage t-shirt, the stone cold NWO t-shirt. All of it is restocked. All of it is flying off the shelves. Get it. Got it. Killmurch.com right now. Hey, this is Red Baron, alive from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, giving up for Tony Hitchclath! You guys ready for the best fucking night of your lives tonight or what huh?

Yibi! Make some noise for Brian Redban everybody. We're here. You're at the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by gelblaster, the Red Rose, yellow rose, Hall of Fame, Connect Mobile Health, get your IV drips, use the promo code Kill 10. CM Smokehouse, who has a new location in North Austin, Zypix, nicotine toothpicks, use the promo code Killtony for 10% off.

Austin Security Guard Service the best security guards in the world, and Scroobal P and a Butter Whiskey, which proudly presents the the kill Tony band ladies and gentlemen come on That's the great James Atkins filling in from my gogans Atlas tonight Paul Deamer on the horns The great Matt Muleing on the electric guitar and the leader of the band John D's right behind me and the leader of the band John Dees right behind me. De-manus drove himself tonight to the show and fortunately ended up in a McDonald's playhouse. So hopefully he'll be back next week.

A very fun episode planned for tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you here right now. Hello, Milwaukee. I am coming to you this weekend and also miniapolis, Minnesota on Saturday. Then Youngstown Cincinnati, San Francisco, Sacramento, San Diego, Florida, Arizona, so much more New York, New York as well. TonyHinchcliffe.com for tickets. See you soon. Hey, this is Red Band and my comedy club, the sunset strip, and Austin, Texas is now open. The Kill Tony band has two shows a month now.

So come check out their music and every Thursday we have the secret show. Go to sunsetstripatx.com for tickets. Shows every night. Hey, all. We know you're keeping busy this fall. Let go of meal planning, shopping, and food prep, and let hello fresh take the reins.

They send fresh ingredients with easy recipes right to your door, so cooking is a total breeze. With 40 recipes and over 100 add-on items to choose from each week, there's always something new to love. Uhhh, red ban. And right now, they have a limited edition meal 100 add on items to choose from each week. There's always something new to love. Err, Red Band. And right now they have a limited edition meal created by T-Pain and HelloFresh.

Check it out. It's hot chicken mashed potato bowls. It's amazing. With appetizers like barbecue pulled pork nachos, there's truly something everyone in the family will love. No doubt about it. Go to hellofresh.com slash 5.0 KT Show Literally something everyone in the family will love. Hey everybody, if you're not in the blazing heat of Austin, Texas, it's starting to get

chilly outside. If you've ever wished you could have a little jacket for your kill boney, then you're in luck. Sheet Thunderwear has two pouches, one for your wiener schnitz, and one for your little baby bullseys. It keeps things separated so you can get on with your life without having everything mashed together down there. I wear Sheet Thunder underwear all the time. Honestly, I don't even use the extra pouch.

I have found that it just provides one more layer of protection and comfort for me. I've thrown every other brand of underwear out. All the big fancy brands, all the name brands or whatever you want to call them. Sheath is so comfortable and breathable. You as well are never going to want to wear anything else. I read that. I love it. I think everyone on the show wears Sheath underwear. I use it for my balls. Ooh.

Sheath underwear is so comfortable and breathable. You'll never want to wear anything else. And if you don't have a little bony, Sheath still has something for you. Check out their sports bra, let's box a breeze and boy shorts for the ultimate comfort and style. No doubt about it.

Go to SheetThunderware.com and use Cotone to get 20% off your first order. Plus Sheet Thunderwear has a 100% money back guarantee. That's SheetThunderware.com promo Cotone. Get Sheet Thunderwear, support underwear support the show wow supporting your balls Hey y'all I have to tell you about the super blend I'm loving called kachava it's hands down the best thing I found to feed my body the nutrients that craves Kachava is an all-in-one plant-based super blend made up of super foods greens plant proteins

antioxidants adaptogens, probiotic. In other words, everything your body craves to feel your best. And I know what you're thinking. Something this good for me can't possibly taste delicious. That's where Kachava really earns the thousands of five star reviews. It tastes amazing. It's creamy, smooth, and comes in five delicious flavors. I'll tell you right now, the vanilla and the coconut asi or my favorite, but it also comes in chocolate

Chai and matcha Red ban some folks like to drink it as part of their healthy breakfast or lunch and others love it as a protein packed snack before or after a workout It's perfect for this because it has 25 grams of plant protein per serving Personally, I like to drink cachava, just slaying around on the couch. Hahaha. It actually, it feels great because I don't like eating too much, so it's great to just have a nice meal real quick,

that's delicious, and gives me all the protein and nutrients I need. No doubt about it. And cachava is offering our listeners 10% off for a limited time. Just go to cachava.com slash Tony spelled K-A-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C-C- Kachava.com slash Tony spelled K-A-C-H-A-V-A and get 10% off your first order. That's K-A-C-H-A-V-A.com slash Tony. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Every single week, I always have two of the funniest human beings on the show. This is very, very exciting. How many of you have been fans of the show for a long time?

How many of you have just started listening in the past couple years? Alright, well, there you go. Watch the Liars. Very, very exciting. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a special night. Both of these guys are up for guest of the year, guest of all time. Two of my favorites. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dr. Phil and Sam Talent. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! People you got a name for tonight is sheltered in San Francisco. There you go. Holy shit. Sam Talent with his podcast, Chubby Bohemut, his book, Running the Light, SamTalant.com with 2Ls. A lot of fun stuff happening. Comedy works, Denver, Thanksgiving Day weekend.

Welcome back, Sam. It's an honor to be here. Thank you, Tony and Red Band, and of course, what an honor it is to sit here next to the legend. Dr. Phil, everyone. Oh, please stop. It's very nice of you. I'm excited to be here. I see a lot of bad attitudes and guys with cock rings and secrets. This guy's got Down syndrome, but we're all trying to work through stuff tonight. I think that's a built-on set down syndrome too.

A built-on set down syndrome. Yeah, that's new. It's like a new variant of COVID. Well, it's because of the vaccine. Because of the vaccine probably did it to him, yeah. We'll be right back. You have a funny face. We're going to have buns tonight.

I can't wait. I use my favorite show in the entire fucking world, so I'm very honored to be here. Yeah, you should clap. Dr. Phil filling in for one of our favorite guests, Adam Ray, couldn't make it here tonight. Fuck that, Jew. Yeah.

Whoa. I was relieved, honestly. Yeah. Yeah, let me sing another song and buy a hotel for a homeless guy. Fuck off. Who fucking cares? Be funny, you fucking poser.

You know, fucking loser. Suck my dick. Am I pussy? Am I crap? We'll be right back. Holy shit. I don't know, I'm on six different types of pills right now. Dr. Phil is here, Adam couldn't make it, but he did want me to plug his special Adam Ray live from Portland, it's on YouTube and tickets,

he's doing massive theaters all around the world, AdamRay comedy.com. Who fucking cares? Yeah. It's crazy, that guy has a career. Oh shit. Single mom, I get why his dad left. Yeah.

I heard it's because his mom was very loose. Oh yeah, big, big, they called her loose pussy girl. I'm bad with improv, but they called her loose pussy girl or something in middle school. And it's stuck, it's stuck. So are the come to her tits. We'll be right back. But all right, I'll clean it up.

It's just minute five, I'm getting going. But you guys are fun. One more time for Sam Town. Now I'm a big fan of this guy. Here we go. Living Legend. We are going to have fucking fun tonight. Sam, you've been on this show.

Dr. Phil, we're excited to have you. A lot of these people that get pulled out of this bucket need help. 155 souls signed up for tonight's show for the opportunity to have a chance to get up on the show. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds of stand-up comedy time uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. God, which interrupts them. And then I interview them and they talk to our esteemed panel altogether. We find out more about them and what makes them special and different. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

Let's do it, baby. Let's fucking go. We're starting it up with the things and I ladies and gentlemen, I pulled the first name out of the bucket. We go and we get them from the bar next door where they're all wrangled together. But tonight we start with something very special. For those of you that have been following the show closely, you know that one of our great regulars, Hans Kim, has had a lot of highs

and lows in life. He started on the show two and a half years ago from living in his van to making it. I mean, the guy works every fucking weekend selling out clubs all around the country. The catch is that sometimes here on the show, he's sometimes he's a little bit lazy with his minute. So what we started doing months ago is if he has a bad minute one week, the next week he's challenged by a random challenger, someone from the history of the show, for his regular ship. So literally he performs every single week, but sometimes he's going up against somebody minute against minute and the audience decides and if he loses That other person is the new regular you are here on a magical night because this is one of his challenge tonight

Wow, wow, yep Yep And I thought the prostitute I was going to buy later was going to be the best part of my night. I was sorely mistaken. Well, Red Band was going to buy it. I was going to get sloppy seconds. You know how he does it.

No, please. Tell us how he does it. All right, so every Tuesday, stop. I get a text. You know, I'll email you. Tony. Woo! So, this is one of those weeks. Now, Hans Kim is 5 and 0 all time while being challenged.

I mean, he literally is 20 times funnier usually when he's challenged. Let's see how he does this week. You guys know the words to the song? How do they, how does it go? Ladies and gentlemen, hug him! Thank you guys. My name is Hans Kim. I am gender fluid. I am biologically male, but my dad identified me as a pussy.

I think this Lizzo story has gotten way bigger than a shittagotten. I think it's just bursting at the seams at this point. It's just very unhealthy how big this story has gotten. Just a classic case of fat on fat violence. These people, they can't hurt each other, they're too padded up, they just have to insult each other. Out of breath and two steps.

I like to fly with drugs, That's kind of my thing. A lot of people get mad at me, but it's like, hey, this is my emotional support animal. It does a way more for me than your fucking dog does. Try snorting your dog. It doesn't do shit. Once I'm in the air, you can't arrest me. I'm out of your jurisdiction.

I mean, how high does America go? Okay, that's enough. Doctor Phil, comment in. You heard the cat, you heard the cat, motherfucker. Funny stuff, though, funny stuff. Thank you, Doctor Phil. No, this is fucking, she's too fat, right? Yeah. It's like how fat, you know, save some cookies for the rest of us.

Am I right? Yes, Dr. Phil. Sorry, you were saying. I hate Lizzo. All right. I think she's obese. Yeah. Yeah.

You and Lizzo, Dr. E. Both are, you're both always, Phil. Yeah, I respect what Lizzo was trying to do, but you know, I just couldn't, she was a little too preachy, you know, she'd post on Instagram, like, hey, watch me getting this hot tub. I was like, well, I do got a couple hours to kill, but,

um, all right, we'll edit this out, I guess. But no, I get, I get why she's a, she's a topical, do you always do topical material hunts? It's my first time seeing you live. I usually do a lot of race stuff.

Oh, hell yeah. Like, uh, and what's the best race to put down? Right now, the Mexicans are really hot. Ah! It didn't seem like you were in a race to get to any punchlines. It was. It was. It was.

It was. That's at Sam Tallinn on Thridsch. It was a shocking amount of light jabs, I would say. There was a lot of them. I counted 11, but it was very light, like, bink, bink, bink, bink. Yeah, I did the Liza stuff. We know. We were here. We were paying attention. Yeah, I did the Lizzo stuff. And we know. We were here. We were paying attention.

Yeah, no, we heard it. You opened up with the words, my name is Hans Kim. After you came out to a crowd, singing, this is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Yeah, it was a pretty good Hans Kim. That was a strong indication of who was coming out. Yeah, I think.

I followed the breadcrumbs back to it being Hans Kim. Yeah. Frankly, I'm shocked it's you. Yeah. Who's coming out? Yes, yeah. I followed the breadcrumbs back to it being Hans Kim. Yeah, yeah. Frankly, I'm shocked it's you. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Fuck out of here. We'll be right back.

Yeah. I mean, come on. Hans, how do you feel about that set? How do you feel? I mean, I feel like the audience was sort of like, let's see what you got. Yeah. And then they were like, we got it. Now that we know what you have, yeah. Moving on. You're always, I'll tell you this though, Hans, and I've seen a lot of Asian comedy. You love Asian comedy. You were telling me that. You're always, you're

always a delight. You come out with a pep in your step, okay, and some sort of STD, brewing. And I know that your fame and popularity as of late has created a culture of gals that are privy to the Hans Kim experience. Can you share with the audience my new friends here? What's a recent experience sexually that might be some material down the line for you on stage?

I took my girlfriend to Las Vegas, we had a lot of hotel sex. Yeah, does this story get better? I just started, Dr. Phil. All right, I'm sorry, take your time. What kind of sex? What's your go-to position? Missionary. I've been focusing a lot on her ass. I've been touching her butt a lot. Wow.

You have the black guy like that. Oh, James Ackins. James Ackins showing a little favoritism twits. That's what it sounds like. Yeah. Who would have guessed that a guy like that likes a white butt? What a man wearing a hat? Yes.

You'll make me a little bit more comfortable. Who would have guessed that a guy like that, like so white butt? What a man wearing a hat? Yeah. You'll make me laugh, Sam, my most ass is going to fall off. So there it is. Another new minute from Hans Kim. Now let me remind everybody that Hans has done hundreds of minutes on really. That's really true. Yeah, it's really impressive.

Hundreds of new minutes, not easy to do, and we're about to see a new minute from your opponent, Hans. If you want to put that mic in the mic, Sam, we're going to bring Hans back out in a second as the audience will decide who had the better minute. One more time for Hans, can we go for it? He's going to be right back.

Yeah. He's going to be right back. Hans's challenger tonight. Has been on the show a few times. We love her. She has always done a good job. This is going to be very, very interesting. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise

for Hans's one minute challenge tonight. Jamisha Albo, everybody, a new minute from Jamisha Albo. Here we go. I guess it's Kong Pound versus Chicken tonight. God damn. I'm Jamisha. I'm 28 years old. It's the oldest I've ever been.

And I feel like I'm getting to that age where my pussy doesn't stay as fresh as it used to. Like I can't shower in the morning and have 24 hours of freshness. If I don't wash my pussy like I brush my teeth and my vagina wakes up with morning breath and there's no mint for that. But they've got all types of shit now to keep your pussy fresh. They've got sprays, they've got creams, they've got washes and wipes. I saw some shit the other day that was like a glazed plug-in. You just fucking shoving up there. At the top of every hour, it splritzes out this Japanese cherry blossom set.

Some of you women don't think this is all that funny. Man, my pussy doesn't stink, shut the fuck up. You're pussy stinks I can see it in your fucking eyes right now. Thank you, that's my time. There you go, Jamisha Alba, with a brand new minute. The old stinky pussy man. Yeah, if I had a dollar Tony for every time I smelled a stinky pussy, I'd have like four, at least four bucks.

Yeah. I love it, Jamisha. Welcome. Hi, thank you. Thank you for having me. Excellent work. Oh, thank you, Sam. The great Sam talent. Very funny you Sam. The great Sam talent.

Very funny. You're the great Sam talent. Yeah. What's going on? This is so great. Thank you for having me. It is. I've been doing good.

It's been a while since I've been on. Thank you. I love it. I don't even have to host. Go ahead. I'm just telling you all. Yeah, what's your Wikipedia page looking like? Oh my god.

Oh, it's great. Very funny. Have you considered bigger ear rings? Yes, I think bigger, but I didn't want to go too big tonight. You should have gone straight to hubcap with it. Oh my god Yeah player. Yeah, that's all right black people love hoops. Okay Very Tony Hangecliffe everybody that was very fucking funny. You're not laughing the way that joke should be received. That's a black basketball guy joke and it's very funny. Yeah, there's Red Band a little bit too late with a whistle. Yeah. Okay, what I'm saying.

OK, OK. Was that John Samus on the electric guitar? Oh, that's my theme song. Yeah. That's actually the sound of my rap whistle, so. Let me give you entice some cool rapists to show up. Oh, yeah. You know, I like to treat my rapes the same way I get out of quicksand just

lay there and Don't struggle. I don't know. Oh shit too soon How often are you combating quicksand? Not often Yeah, quicksand still leaving a thing and I know it sounds like a sign felt bit, but is it? It's not it's real quicks but is it? It's not a real quick sandwich. What's the deal with quick sandwich? It's not that fast. It takes a long time.

You're drowning for hours. And isn't even sand. Sand would I tell you about Megamy Lack? I have some spirit coming, my pocket. No, it's real. So Hansa had a rough set last week. I said that he was going to get challenged. I didn't have a challenger in mind specifically.

I was drinking after the show at the bar here. Jamisha approaches me and she says, I want my shot. I want to go up against Hans next week. Let's fucking go. You asked for it. Let's fucking go. You asked for it. Let's fucking go. How do you feel like it went? You heard his set. Yeah. We heard yours. How do you feel like you did? I felt like it went okay. My only goal was to do better than Uncle laser.

So I did. You did that. Wow. You did that. Wow. Make some noise for that everybody. Yeah. Oh my goodness. Thank you. You definitely did that. How many times did uncle laser asked to touch your hair You know this could have been uncle laser versus onto my mat. I don't know Okay, Jamisha we got them in it out and now let's bring them back here's Hans Kim everybody This is the moment that we've been waiting for five and oh against challengers. I leave it to the audience, ladies and gentlemen. How many of you have Jamisha Albo?

How many times have you been on the show? Three. Three times total. That was her third new minute on the show. How many of you have Jamisha Albo winning this? Whoa. Whoa. It's very loud. new minute on the show. How many of you have Jameisha Albo winning this? Whoa, it's very loud. Two and a half years as a regular on the show, hundreds of minutes. How many of you have Hans Kim retaining his throne?

There you have it, ladies and gentlemen. Did it again. Six and oh, against challengers proving that he does better when there's pressure on the line. How about one more time for Jimmy Shalbo, everybody. Thank you. Very funny. Hans Kim, you lazy fuck. He put it together. Only went under pressure.

I won the most efficient way possible, just with the barely beater, so that's... Whoa, whoa, whoa, all right. Somebody wants to fill out some paperwork. Horns, I think that was pretty close, though, at the start of her set, I think me and Tony both looked over and we were like, oh, fuck. And she opened with that Kang-Pow versus chicken. If she would have held that momentum, dude, you'd be fucked right now.

You and your Rick Shobby heading down Sixth Street, fucking. Yeah, you'd be drowning in some rape quicksand. Yeah. Remember from earlier? Yeah. Some quick rice. I thought it was smart of her to open with a funny joke. I thought that was... I her to open with a funny joke. I thought that was...

I think that kind of sweet. Good move. Me a little bit, you know? Yeah. And then I think the overwhelming underlying racism of the crowd helped you, huh? Thank you for your racism. Wow, you even did a Hitler pass on that.

That's all that crap. Fucking piece of shit. He went with a left hand too. Oh my god. Like he was making a Hitler. Yeah, that's all that. That was incredible. Fucking piece of shit. He went with the left hand too, like he was making a call to Hitler's bullpen. Yeah. Wow. Thanks, Sam. I thought that was pretty good.

It is incredible. They're all slam dunk, stock. Did you do the Hitler thing on purpose just then? No, I was just harking the audience. Oh, OK, oh, hey, hey, hey. Wants his funny, twice is real, baby. With his eyes that closed, he cannot see what he's doing. So there he goes, hunts Kim, everybody.

Still, a regular on the show. This guy's on theme song and everything. Yeah. This is it. Your first name out of the bucket, the show, really, the meat and potatoes of it starts now. A lot of these people are fucked up. I'm excited that Dr. Phyllis here. He's gonna help.

He's gonna really give some people some fucking life advice. I think we've got a real opportunity to not Tony to help. Some people get better. And I'm fired up. Have, hey, hey, let's do this. Your first bucket full of the night. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brian Sullivan, everybody.

Here we go, dreams are coming true. These people wait all day and night for this. Brian Sullivan. Hi. I hate how inclusion's a thing. Not everybody needs to be fucking included in everything, OK? I got a best friend of his name's Tyree, Zawdman amputee. I love him to death.

I treat him like a normal person. So when I get drunk, I kick him into chest too, you know what I'm saying? And me and Tyree, we tight like that. That's my brother. I take him out to the club. We smoke. We drink. We get me and Tyree, we tight like that. That's my brother. I'm taking them out to the club. We smoke, we drink, we get high. I drink like a normal dude. That's my dog.

And one day he got all sentimental on me. He was like, hey man, don't think I don't see everything you do for me bro. When I get my check next week, I'm going to take you out for a night on town. I was like, you know what? It'll be a Friday. You ain't got no legs.

I ain't got shit to do. Let's do it. And I thought everything was all shit and giggles until he took me to a quadriplegic strip club. The place was crawling with pussy, it was crazy, that's it. Bitches was like, tip me, Dad. No, tip me over. She said that would be $30. I said, the hustle is the same, Goddamn. Okay, could at least gave me half off

for something that's crazy. Y'all, my name is Brian Sullivan. Thank y'all so much for this. Brian Sullivan making his Killtony debut. Sam Talon giving him a hug. This is incredible. Absolutely amazing. I've known Brian since he started.

Yes sir, yes sir, yes sir. Thank God because if you didn't know him, that would have been weird as fuck. I know, I was like, am I gonna have to suck his dick now? Like how, your funny as fuck, though man, great job. Great work Brian, what have you bombed? That would have been a nightmare. Yeah, I wouldn't have heard the end of it

at cookouts with you. Oh my God, I'm always at the cookouts. Yeah. There I am, just at the cookouts looking out for the ops, you know? You don't say it? We had to check a box, bro, you always get the invite. Yeah, I know. Yes.

Gah, Lee, what an exciting night. What are you doing at these barbecue queues that he's at? I know, yes. Gahli, what an exciting night. What are you doing at these barbecue's that he's at? I'm his PO. Yeah. That's true. I have to make sure he is where he says he's supposed to be. And you know how they are, they're rather tricky folk, you know? Yeah, man.

Yeah. No, Brian's like family. This is so excited, you were in town, dummy. Yeah, man. What the hell? I'm sorry, I didn't know you were in town, dummy. Yeah, man. What the hell? I'm sorry. I didn't know you were in town, bro. Yes, you did.

Oh, yeah, I did. By the way, I'd watch six seasons of you guys just talking back and forth. Yeah. This is amazing. You guys both live in Colorado? Yes, sir. Or color, don't I guess for you?

Oh, come on. Look at this. Come on. Come on. I love it. How long have you been doing stand up? Just my fourth year. Fourth year. Do you really have a friend that's a double amputee?

Yeah, you do. Yeah, out of you and the double amputee, Tyree. Who's the better swimmer? Surprisingly, Tyree, he feels. Wait, wait. It's not very stiff competition, you know. So wait, so you're saying right here and right now that amputees are better swimmers than black people.

I mean, tyrie's black, dude. Yeah, okay. I really like that. He's... Double trouble. Double trouble. But he's kind of shaped like a turtle, you know? I've seen him in the water. This is a great thing to have someone who knows

the paraplegic you're referring to is a, you know, it's like a comedy checkpoint. Yeah. Now what? He's a real half man. I've seen him. You've seen him. You've seen Tyree?

Oh yeah, I've seen him very well. Oh my. What does he do? David Lucas actually roasted the shit out of him or roast me that day. Yeah. So I'm looking for him. Tell him I'm looking for him.

What does Tyree do? That's a good question, Dr. Phil. He does comedy. or roast me that day, yeah. So, I'm looking for him, telling him I'm looking for him. What does Tyredeux do? That's a good question, Dr. Phil. He does comedy. He does comedy? Yes, sir, yes, sir. He has a hilarious little motorized device. And it comedy works. They have to help him get on stage, and it's always a hoot.

Yeah. They do, and there's a lot of wedges there. It is funny, whether it's a... The ancestor gets all drunk and rides. It kicks him off, and then shit is crazy. Yeah. Is that true? Yes.

I have video of it. Yeah. These are all true things. My sister's married to a black man. What? I know now I've seen everything. Yeah, bro. What's next, a dog wearing sunglasses?

What? What? What? Now, what a... Where are you from? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? What? Now, what are you from? I'm originally from Gaffney, South Carolina.

Hell yeah. Oh, you're claiming South Carolina when you're from Colorado Springs? I live in Colorado Springs. Thank you for calling me that. Yeah. Yeah, by the way, I've only seen two black guys call it, white guys, the N word, and it's always very exciting. Because I'm always like, what? Yeah, what?

Sam's trying to pretend it didn't make his day. Yeah, it always does. I literally thanked you. Yeah. He's gonna text me later. You got good energy. Your act outs were fun. Thanks, man.

I like when you turn sideways. Yeah. What I look like. You looked like Tyree when you turn sideways. Yeah. What I look like. You look like Tyree if you had legs. Ha ha ha. I love that. Brian Sullivan, how do you make a living, Brian? Yeah, tell him the truth.

Ha ha ha. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Now, this feels like an episode on One of my shows. Yeah. Where you come up here pretending to be a comedian when you're really a woman. No, no, who are you?

What do you do? If he was trans, he'd have a never-neverlick special. What are you talking about? I'm not touching that. All right. Now, I'm a contract renewal specialist for a software company. Oh, wow. OK.

What do you really do? What do you really do? What do you really do? I work from home as a contract renewal specialist. I don't think I like your fucking attitude, right? Come on man, black people can't be a software nigga. No, no, they can, they can, you're right. Now let me ask you, is that the dream? I'm always curious about the original game plan.

Because we all come out of the gate, right? Like, I'm excited, I can do whatever I want. And the universe goes, no, you can't. You fucking pussy. Yeah, that's true. But you strangled the universe and you said, I'm gonna make some of myself. I'm gonna be in software.

But what was the original kid dream, Brian? I want to be a rapper. That's what I'm saying. Whoa. Have you ever wrapped or you not gonna do it? No. Yeah, you do. You're black.

You know what to do. Come on, give me a little bead here. Give us a big bead. Come on, there you go. Just do it? No. Yeah, you do. You're black. You're black. You know what to do. Come on, give me a little beat here. Give us a big one. Come on, there you go. Just do it. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Come on white people. Where you at now?

Come on white people. Where you at now? That's all I know. That's all I got. That's a little dindley called, come on white people. Yeah. You can find no iTunes number one. Wait, that's all you got.

Really no clever rhymes or schemes or no dancing? Yeah, at least you're the running man. Look, man. Come on. Oh my God. You have been born in! That's right, that's right. Dr. Bill is out of control and I love it.

Cool. Thank you so much. We shit. I'm cool. He said my dog, not as good as the ant word, but I'll take it. Yeah. I don't know you like that. You know what I'm saying?

Okay, I'll take you up on Facebook, baby. You're the reason for bad, baby. Very funny. Very funny. It's funny because Tyree can only do the worm. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Also funny. Shut up, the Bumbleboy Tyree.

I hope you love it. He would kill through the running man. If he could have done the running man, his legs would have been taken by that thresher. We'll be right back. I feel like a good time to take a little ad break, Tony. Tony say something about hello fresh and their avocado's bad. That's right.

Zippex, nicotine toothpicks, zip more, smoke glass. One, two, there you go. Let's go. Absolutely, I just killed a woman. Brian, how long are you in town for? I'm here tomorrow. We're doing a cap city with David Bowrie. Let's go.

Very good. David T'Alarius, great, great to. You're leaving here with a brand new handcrafted by Bones Eye killer, fucking Texas leather joke book. Yeah, fuck it. Amazing. And you're leaving with a gel blaster, a state of the art, crafted by Bones Eye Killer, fucking Texas leather joke book. Yeah, fuck it. Amazing. And you're leaving with a gel blaster, a state of the art,

nothing more fun than that gel blaster, ladies and gentlemen, one more time. And amazing appearance by Brian Sullivan, everybody. That's a way to fucking do it. God damn. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. We're just going to keep a fucking move and make some noise to your next comedian 60 seconds

for Chato, everybody. Chato. Here we go. Here's Chato, everyone. What's up, everybody? A little bit about me. I've been happily married for six months. Yeah, thank you.

Yeah. And total has been 24 happily married for six months. Yeah, thank you. And total is a bit 24 long fucking years, though. Yeah. She's all right. She adopts a lot of animals, though. We have five dogs, two cats, and a couple of those kids running around. But this last dog she adopted, I think, is racist.

He's racist because he's always barking, growling, and snapping at me. But he's really cool with my black friends. They're always hanging out, smoking weed together. Won't pass me the blunt. But people ask me, what's the hardest thing about being married so long? Now tell them, save them money.

Save them money is gonna be the hardest thing because when you go out to dinner, these two for one specials, you're gonna have to have that special. You start to buy drinks, appetizers, dessert. And that's shit I'm not gonna buy if I'm going on a single or dutch, right? And these dating apps, 30 bucks for Tinder,

if you click single, divorce, or separated. But as soon as you click married, Ashley Madison pops up. I'm not trying to spend 300 bucks to fuck some married chick. I was trying to spend 30 so I could fuck that cashier down at CVS. All right, I'm Chateau. That's my time. All right, Chateau.

I fucking love CVS. Me too. My fucking love CBS. Me too. My man. Immediately connected. I think people would assume the chato and I are actually friends. What could be? I don't think so. Oh, damn.

Sorry, buddy. No, we could, there's plenty of room for you in the crew. I'll buy a drink. I mean, I got a car. We can drive to gigs, I don't know. What? I have a car. That seems to be a popular thing about comedians.

Most of them don't have cars. Most of the ones you hang out with. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But maybe we should call Adam Rins. He'll buy you a car. Fuck no, sir. Yeah, fuck no. Put a fucking piece of shit.

Chateau, welcome to the show. This is your first time. First time. 63 sign-ups, I believe in a row. Oh, shit. Chateau, welcome to the show. This is your first time. First time, 63 signups, I believe in a row. Oh, shit. Look at that. That deserves a round of applause. That means. That's amazing.

Wow. You got to stay patient. That's what I always say. Stay patient, stay the course, right? And look like you run a chain of apple beads, you know? Yeah. It is true. You look like if the lead singer of Creed

didn't believe in God. Yeah, can you take me lower? You know, I'm good at that. You know, El says his arms wide open, Tyree. All right, because that's the only limb that he has. You remember Tyree? Oh, he doke. No, we got it.

We got it. Chateau, how long have you been to in standup? So my opponent. We got it. Chateau, how long have you been to stand up? So, my opponent. Here we go. I wanted to meet my first time on Kill Tony with that first set, 63 times ago. I didn't do stand up before then. I signed up three weeks in a row and said, fuck it, I'm going to start doing comedy at the Creek and the Cave. I went down there and been doing 15 mics a week since then. 15.

Useless, baby. A week. Cash me inside doing doing stand-up comedy. I'm surprised. You made it that long. Thank you. I gotta be honest, I was having many multiple panic attacks, trying not to reference that twat in some fashion. Suchado. For a child child she had enormous breasts.

Yeah, she was, I don't know if I'm not going to say anything about that actually, but other than you're right. Yeah. Speaking of that. What is the age? What is the age where you can, like, if you were at a daughter Tony and she was like, I want, let's say she's third, I don't know, like what's, I guess ladies.

What's the youngest age you would, that it'd be appropriate to get, you know, get something, you know, 19. Who is that? Who is that? That's one I like. Whoa, that's a bad mom over there. Bad mom.

Welcome back to shitty parent. Yeah, Jesus, crazy. I don't know what the question was going to be. Yeah, I don't know. I just, you got nervous, didn't you, Doc? Yeah, I don't know. This guy, having we, didn't not buy like drugs from you at some point.

I think so. You like mushrooms? I do like mushrooms. OK, so let's talk about it, Chattano. What do you do for work? I own, I can't abuse college. You own own a cannabis college explained everybody what the fuck that? So I teach people how to work in the cannabis industry like how to recommend what what to certain patients like Indicacitiva hybrids for what patients like Edibles how to dab I teach you how to do everything to work in a cannabis

Wow, what do you do after the first hour? Yeah, we spoke a lot of weed that first hour. Yeah. Yeah. A cannabis college to differentiate Indica and Sativa. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just to make sure you understand the differences. But also, there's so many things to recommend

to people like Shad or Diamonds. There's a lot of sauces and all sorts of things. And this is a college. Yeah, yeah You should not be a creditor Yeah, no one not many university presidents wear a duff t-shirt I had a feeling it was You look like a guy that likes to fuck chicks with implants cars. I like that. Yeah How old are your kids? All right, not everything's going to be a home run.

23 and 21. 23 and 21. Well, you're a dad. I am a dad. He tell. Yeah, you did that. What? He did that joke about five dogs, two cats,

and what are they called again, kids? Somebody's paying attention. Oh, that's right. You forgot the name after 23 years of having them? No, they blin into the furniture after so much time. None of this adds up. Did they still live with you? Or do you live with that?

I feel like you live with them. They pay rent. You're 100% correct about that. Are they funny? No, no. That's why they pay rent. Runs in the family. Did you award them scholarships did you award them scholarships

to go to your cannabis college? They actually teach a couple of classes, you know, they grew up in it. But how to not answer your dad's phone calls? Yeah. You used to, you still with the baby, mama? Oh, yeah, 24 years now. 24 years, how do you keep things interesting in the bedroom,

Chaddo, give us an example of how you 24 years with the same woman. One day my wife came to me and she goes, hey, I think we should open up a relationship. You'll get a lot more girls, and I'll meet a lot more guys. And we'll keep things spicy. And so far, I've met no girls, but there's been a lot of guys coming over.

She know, that's a funny joke. Thank you. I've been doing a, that was a year-old material. Well, you should have done that tonight, because I saw the joke about the kids coming, but it was funny, but let me just tell you, when you get real and you break things down, that's when we start to figure out who you are and why you are. Coming from a man dressed as Dr. Phil. What do you mean, that's Dr. Phil, you fangit.

The fuck you mean, guy dressed as Dr. Phil. And I usually don't know, could you? I don't know that word, but that was an appropriate usageang it. The fuck you mean, Goddressed is Dr. Phil. And I usually don't know. I couldn't own that word, but that was an appropriate usage of it. Now, I do want to ask you this wholeheartedly, because I was trying to give you a compliment, but you got real defensive. So let's address that for a second. Ha.

Yeah, why can't you accept love, Shadow? Maybe that's your problem. It's been 24 years. It's very hard to accept love. So you made a joke that you said, let's open things up, but nothing's come your way, but a lot's come in to your wife. Inside of her, yes.

Inside of her. Now is this true or is this for fictional comedic purposes? This could be both. Because you struck me as a guy who, who, who when a guy walks in, he's like, I'm going to butt fuck your wife. You go, please don't, and then he does it anyway in front of you.

Correct. We'll be right back, but I do want to think Yeah, don't fuck me But I know but what I was trying to say was you're funny and when you got real and you weren't trying that I've got very invested so I want you to to Go down that path What's your wife's Instagram handle? Yeah, I knew that was coming. She's got Secret Show this Thursday.

OK. Chaddo, did this go how you thought do we go 63 times? You said that you've signed up? Actually, yeah, it's about what I figured. What's different? There's a lot of people that sign up. There's a lot of people that want to sign up.

You're anticipation, I'd imagine his stretch was that did that mean sixty three we don't think we've done sixty three here so you were signing up back at Balkan as well correct yeah I start on the vocals to where she's used to where we don't know not asking about that so like how did this feel what what's different what did you not expect what's not I was playing poker next door don't ask to that either okay chattah here's a little joke but there you go, there you go, Chaddo, everybody, there you go.

I have so much talk about. Chaddo, there you go, there you go, everybody. All right, we're having fun here. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys having a good time? Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is a very, very exciting moment. I'm gonna bring up one of the regulars of Kiltoni.

He has been on the road with me absolutely killing the boy is absolutely famous. It's incredible He gets recognized everywhere is he's a star He's been on the show only a few months Ladies and gentlemen, I present you another brand new minute from the rock star and self, the future, Pam Patterson, everybody. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I be fucking chattel, wife. That's a tough job.

That's a tough job. I fucking love you, that's what I'm talking about. I fucking love you, dog. I fucking love you, dog. I be fucking this wife. Yeah, you are. When I was younger, I never understood like, who is slanshing that makes sense to me. And when I'm from a lab, they call

like, girl, that a whole, we call them fast. I never got that. He if I'm from, he get it. Listen, but I never understood that. You know what I'm saying? And those are girls in my elementary school when my middle school, and she was sucking dick at 11. Now, do not be alarmed.

She wanted to top only fan models in the world right now. This bitch called and chased her dreams. You know what I'm saying? She did her shit. Now, when I was 11 years old, she came up to me. She was like, Cam, I want to meet him by the baseball field. I want to show you something. And I'm my friend's like,

Oh, well, you feel that for a good time? You know, she fast, right? I'm like, she ain't fasted in me. Look off at the shit, she dance way faster than me, never. That's it, touchdown. Fuck, yes. That's it. Bing, Bing, boom.

Ham, mother fucking pad Star Dr. Bill your a force you're a force The only black guy that can touch me like that I Fucking love you dude. You're a rising star. I was just in a St. Petersburg Tampa. Yeah, they fucking love you, man They're my people. Yeah, they love you. Do. Shout them boy, that the gimmick is here. Shout out, the gimmick, yeah. Yeah, yeah. They're my bigs.

Yeah, they're my friends, too. Oh, man. Hey, hey, Doc. What's up? You want to see my rock collection? Oh shit. Can I be honest, that's the only reason I came to this show tonight. I got to rock for you and lie to those folks.

Oh, see what you got in there, see what I got. God bless you, man. There you go. Now, is there a, no, it riddled me this. Is there a purpose behind each a collectible? Oh, well, I like this one. It looked like somebody boned. Yeah.

I'll put that inside the chat's wife later. Yeah. Yeah. Shout out. Oh, my mom's got this one. This one's dope, you understand? A white bitch that's something I did today to go game me this.

I really like this one. Oh. So that's like a good look gave me this. I really like this one. So that's like a good look, Charm. I'll put that one in my back pocket. Yeah. Yeah. And oh, yeah. And then you left up.

Okay. I don't know if this is on purpose, but Cam left a bullet in his, okay. Well, we'll be right back. I feel like. Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, it's okay, everybody stay calm. We're good. We're good. We're good.

Remember the chat, dick joke thing? Okay. Holy fucking shit. All right. Quit touching it. Yeah, I'm sorry. He touched it again. Touch it again. Yes, rub it. Rub it together. Yes. It's like a dildo for Brad Williams. Okay, that's funny.

Fuck you. Brad is a great comma. Go see him on tour. Oh, we asked that. God. Camp Patterson. It's all happening. Sam Tallinn admiring the bullet.

It's good, bullet, right? Okay. Can you imagine if your dick was this big? You didn't rule. You know, Tony, I found something last week. He gave his rock to somebody in the audience to touch and she took it and he was really upset about it because that was when he really liked to touch.

Oh, I went outside and I found that bit. Yeah. I was gonna say. I found it. She ain't get far. No way. I found it. This place is filled with facial recognition cameras and shit.

There's no way anybody's getting out of here. Trust me, I got my rock back. Oh yeah, I bet you did. And then she had to give you another one after she sucked your deck. Tell to me. I have a question. Is there a location you'll go to find rocks or is it, do you just kind of, is it, because rocks are everywhere, right?

Or do you have, is there like a park that's more conducive? Not just like regular street rocks. Hell yeah. Yeah, because they've been through something, right? Yeah, they've been through shit. Yeah, they've been through life, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, because we all have things that we're trying to overcome. Yeah, talk to them.

Talk to them, talk to them. Well, let me fucking finish. Can't wait, I will. All right, yeah, that's all right. I love you, Doug. No, I will say this though, Well, let me fucking finish, Cam. I'll think. All right, yeah, that's all right. I love you, duck. No, I will say this though, rocks. What you're doing, you're carrying around a little symbol of yourself, OK?

I'm being fucking serious. Stop laughing. No, it's, you know. But you get what I'm trying to say. I think that there's a deeper meaning behind you collecting these little treats, you know? Yeah. Have you ever seen a rock that would have been like,

fuck, you deserve to stay in this puddle? Yeah. Yeah, yeah. And what was her name? Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Kisha?

Kisha, yeah. Sounds about right. Pfft. Well, you're getting, I don't know how you do it, Campbell. You get funnier. I saw you, I think, the last time was like a month and a half ago. You won't hit last time without a feel? Well, I watched it. I'm saying.

Oh, you was here. When I watched the show on YouTube, I feel like I'm here. Oh, you're 100%. You guys ever watched the show on YouTube? It's a fucking delight. It is. Yeah. Hell yeah.

I mean, when Hans Kim walks off stage is when I really get invested. But for real, it's, yeah, you just, I don't know. You're grinding. You can tell. You got to, you have to, right? And the it's, yeah, you just, uh, I don't know, you're, you're grinding, you can tell. You got to, yeah, you got to, you have to, right? Same, what's that thing you always say about grinding? Talk to him, Sam. Get the mortar out, get the pestle out, put your hopes in there, grind it all the way

down. Next thing you know, you got a reality. Uh-huh, talk, hey, look, I want to taste this shit. I got some wood, maybe. Thank you. Thank you. I don't really, but I got an audio book, dude, you know what I'm saying, this shit. I got some book, maybe. Thank you. Thank you. But I got an audio book, dude.

You wanna say I listen to it. That's a step towards literacy. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. That's... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Well, look, I didn't that much to say, because I don't know if you've ever been up here watching Cam talk to Dr. Phil. It's very difficult to maintain any sense of reality while this is all going on.

All right, so yes. I was just giggling quietly for the last four minutes. But... They doubt the Phil, they're good. Yes. Yeah. Yeah. They should move.

Yeah. Yeah. He's so bald, they're good. Yeah. Yeah. He's so bald. Yeah. Yeah. It's like a basketball. You know that? Yeah.

Yeah. Cam, what else is going on? You've been on the road with me. Yeah. I mean, again, I think I mentioned this last week. How much fun it is to have Cam on the road, because he reminds you of how special things are.

Sometimes you have so much fun, you forget how exciting it is when you start out. The thing that stood out to me this week, I took him to, we did a massive theater in Columbus, Ohio, and we went to the best steakhouse in the city before, and he was amazed at how great the service was. And he will quit. These motherfuckers don't even look, we weren't even out of Coca-Cola, and there was another one. All these things throughout the meal.

But they were fast, they were. They weren't. Hey, Kim, how fast were they? As fuck. Not as fast as him. Oh, I'm fast as shit. Right. Oh, that's the arms side.

I'm trying to help you get merch off the ground, man. That's the lob, I'm sorry. That's all right. That's all right. I'm going to do it again. Yeah, I'm going to be the subbonus. All right. You're Clyde Drexler.

Who is that? Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Well, I forgot your 15. I should have just... Yeah, you're so young. I hope you're out.

He's Miley Cyrus and you're... You're that so raven. There you go. Yeah, you're so young. I hope you out. He's Miley Cyrus and you're, you're that's a Raven. There you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's still a very old show. Yeah, that was, that was in the 90s. Yeah. So anyway, we're having this steak dinner. The waiter takes the Caesar salads away and there's a pile of black pepper in front of me on this bright white table cloth. And this waiter grabs the crumor out of his pocket. Does one swipe and it's gone. And what did you say? As he had a teleportation device.

Yes, it's gone. He really, it's one of those he had to be this. I ain't never seen no shit like that before though. I almost choked on a crouton to death the way he said it in the moment. Motherfucker, I have a teleportation to face, because it was. The black pepper was there, and then it was gone.

I thought he threw it on Tony. I was from the fight his ass. I was, I was ready to beat that nigga, and the whole, I thought I got him a best friend, bitch I kill you. Gang violence. Gang violence, nigga. We have high, man.

Talk to him. Talk to me, white nigga. And the hostess, the hostess at Hyde Park, the best steakhouse in Columbus, Ohio, recognized Cam and gave him fucking Pyrite, Fools Gold. She had a rock in her office, she brought it out, and gave it to Cam.

Yeah, that's true, though. I left it in Columbus, but I liked it at the moment. You know what I'm saying? Oh, shit. I mean, that's a great, that's a great beginning to a rap song. I left it in Columbus, but I locked it up. DJ, hit me. Yo.

Here we go. Dr. Phil, ladies and gentlemen. I'll start it up, and you pick it up where I leave off, okay? Talk to him. Yo. Yo. Feel it. Feel it. Yo, we touched the top of my head. Yo, I didn't even get out of bed. Yo, cuz I was trying to figure out where I've been. Yo, where I'm going.

Where I'm going. I looked it in Columbus, but I like it at the moment. Yo, maybe take a picture and check your fucking boner. Yo, do you have the time or do you have a rhyme? Fuck Chad's wife and f**k her right. Yo! Hey! Oh my god!

Hey! Oh my god! Put your head to the air and wave him like you don't care. Hey! Camp Pattern's in his hair this day. He's got rocks, he's f**k's bitches. No! Not in that order, he'll be right back.

Yo! He's gonna be right back! No! Yo. You'll be right back. Yeah. You'll be right back. No more. Yeah. You'll be right back. Oh, buddy, I'm going anywhere. Oh, buddy, I'm going anywhere. Camp, mother fucking Patterson.

The future has arrived. You saw it here again. There he is. Camp Patterson, everybody. Make some fucking noise. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

I don't know. Dr. Phil and I are gonna get fucking trash tonight. Yeah, I don't have to be in Phoenix until Thursday. Shout out to the Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport. Woo hoo! I don't know, man. Oh, God, I am having too much fun. I am...

This is unbelievable. Sometimes I get to be a fan and the host at the same time. This is ridiculous. I pull the name out of the bucket, has an eye circled next to it, which means that the person is inside of this room. It is an audience member that had the courage to sign up. They almost always tend to be more interesting than the nervous comedians that are funneled together. It's usually almost always the first time or something specials about to happen here. ladies and gentlemen

make some noise for Tony Robinson everybody here we go let's see if we can get some we have eyes on Tony here she is right here price is right style alright Tony! I think she has one of those bachelor at fucking headbands on this is gonna be a mess Guys make some noise one more time for dr. Phil everybody am I right? Fucker this rap He just improvise a rap dr. Phil This is amazing one more time for Tony Rob. Here we go buddy Here we fucking go.

Come on, straight from the crowd. Make some fucking noise. OK. Woo. Woo. Woo. I'm from East Texas, so I am so nervous. I don't want to offend anyone.

I don't have the wokeness you guys have here. I have a lot of questions. OK. Do black people's lives still matter the most? What? Can I skip ahead to Asians or have I waited too long? It's such thing as a Mexican with no siblings, because I've been told that yes, that's the thing,

but that's how Jesus makes the Chupacabra. And do I hurt my gay friends' feelings when I don't like something and I'm like, man, that sucks so hard. Or do I hurt my black friends' feelings when I smoke a blind and I'm like, I've just got caught in mouth. So bad. I'm not really sure. If I can't say retarded, what can I say?

Because I've heard touched before and I kind of get it. Maybe like there's this retarded tooth fairy that flies in your room while you're sleeping. But not straight. She's like kind of leaning to the right. Oh, I mean left. I'm sorry. I thought where I was.

But when you wake up with a fidget spinner under a pillow, you're either retarded or your Chad's wife. God damn. God damn. God damn. God damn. God damn. I liked it.

Compelling premises. Holy. God damn. God damn, God damn, God damn. I liked it. Compelling premises. Holy shit. This is incredible. You're like a funny Amy Schumer or something like that. She had a... Welcome to the show, Tony Robinson. Thank you. I thought about this for so long. I'm so excited. I love this. Yeah. I thought about this for so long. So excited.

I love this. Yeah. I love all of y'all who are all here together. Wow, looking at that. So much positivity. So excited. He better keep that headband away from camp. Thank you for being here.

I brought a rock for me. He's going to get the wrong idea. I brought a rock for him. Yeah, you're not going to give me a bullet, are you? No. Oh shit, it's hard to get it out of those pockets. So I did a Brutamirak, it's black like him, but it has a sea made out of pink like me.

Yeah, yeah, and then it's right there. Yeah, right there. That is not a street rock. I know I got it today at uncommon objects. It's not a street rock. It's like white people's story about whatever. Yeah, this is some joy and fabric shit right here. Yeah.

That is incredible. It feels nice though. It is nice, right? A $10. I don't know. It didn't say what kind it was, which devastated me. I would like to see him in person. Wow, feel that.

It's as smooth as Han Kim's brain. It is incredible. Kim's going to love this. I can tell. Yeah. I really, really can't. This is incredible. Cam's gonna love this, I can tell. Yeah. I really, really can't. This is incredible. So, let's talk about it, Tony. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy?

This is my first time. Wow, there it is. Thank you. Thank you. Great job. Thank you. Great book and job. Good job. How long have you been planning and preparing for this moment?

Since I saw Adam open for Adam Divine, that was the first day a little bit. So when was that about? It was years ago at this place in Dallas. It was so long ago. But literally, that was the first time. So you saw, you mean to tell me that you saw Adam Ray. You didn't know who the guests were tonight.

You saw Adam Ray open up for Adam Divine. Yeah, long time ago. And when you saw Adam Ray, You didn't know who the guests were tonight. You saw Adam Ray open up for Adam Divine. Yeah, I don't know. And when you saw Adam Ray, you're like, holy shit, this is something that I want to do. Yeah, I was, yo, yes, because when we got in the car later, I was like, he probably makes up these jokes like every night he goes out right, and they're like, no, he like makes a set

and he gets to prepare. And it's not his random as he's thinking. Adam Ray's in, he's in no way out. I want to try. Oh, yeah. So random as he's thinking. And I was like, he's a no-hat. Oh, well, I want to try. Oh, yeah. So, yeah. That's it.

Like, he makes it look real natural, but we all know what he's doing. Exactly. It was funny at first, Sam. You watch your fucking mouth, all right? But I don't get it. No, you're right. Now, let me ask you this.

So you saw him and you go, he looks easy. Well, I just know, no I'd fly. So you were, I don't know who you are, I'm not sure. But he was the opener. Let me have this be. And I'm the one to everyone new from Workaholics. Adam Ray, not so much. But then I knew that Adam Ray had a joke

skit that he did about going to- I love his skit so much. He did, he was trying to apply for like American Idol, whatever, and he's saying the theme song to Full House. But then Adam Devine said that's how he applied for the pitch perfect show. And I was like, this brain's wrote the joke for that guy, you know, and I kind of realized that the talent may not always be like the Adam Devine, but the Adam Ray opener, just because they're brains. Wow. So then I, yeah, that's a good film. You heard that out of Divine, you ain't shit, bitch. I might have officiated your wedding and I love you,

but also fuck you, motherfucker. That's right. Is that real though? Is that real? I've thought that my whole, like for a while, did you keep trying to escape? I don't even know what you're talking about, but to be honest with you, I just want to talk,

I want to put the attention back on you and say that for a first time, the nerves were apparent, but you worked through it. Because any first time we do anything, and you can all feel me on this, you come in half glass full, but ready to climb the mountain without a backpack. Does that make sense?

Yeah, whatever. Yeah, sure, yes. Right. Yeah. Now, your backpack, you know, might be filled with crustables and gummy bears, but I just want to tell you that maybe edible is for sure. No, no normal gummy bears.

But your jokes, you came with jokes and I'll say this, a lot of people sometimes are good and opportunity to hit the Killtony stage and they they flood up and you fucking came in ready to just fucking squirt everywhere. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm impressed by that. You also were real racist, real fast,

and that was a little, that's always enjoyable, Sam. You loved it. I was watching you over there. That was your favorite act of the evening, right? Yeah. No! No! No!

No! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- Don't rim shot it away Thank you to be fair. She's never been this close to so many black people so this has to be She's got a backpack and junk in her trunk Let's talk about it Tony you're from East Texas. I like to the racism. I liked how you said I Like tie you set it up. She set it up clean. She didn't just go straight into, if you would have just said to Black Lives, still matter as much or whatever,

that would have been crazy. But instead you said, I'm from East Texas. I'm not woke like you guys. You gave yourself a little, you did it very professionally, especially for a first time. Yeah. I watched this all the time in plan. Ooh, I'll stop. So here you are. watched this all the time in plan.

So here you are, you're in the mix right now. What do you do for work, Tony? I'm a bartender. Okay. Yes. And where in East Texas do you live? Corpus Christi? No.

Well, I don't know if it's like laughable compared to that. No, I live in Tyler, Texas, which is much smaller than the Corpus Christi, but you don't want to go. What's the population of Tyler Texas? Oh, like 100,000, right? Yeah, that were Friday nights, Friday nights nights. Took place? The first of my homes came from pretty much, yes.

Oh, yeah. My house is Tyler and yes. So there we got that, we made that. So Patrick Mahomes? It's awesome. Yes. All right, relax, Tony. Yeah.

You could tell by the silence, and we gave a fuck. That's the only thing that's the only thing. I thought people everywhere were really into him. I'm so sorry. That's all right. He didn't matter. Yeah. Tony, what's your love life like?

Requestion. Ambitious. Whatever. What did you say I'm so sorry? No, no, what's your love life like? Just nothing right now. You're like on dating apps. What do you do? No, that's always been exhausting.

No nothing. I guess I just, honestly, I think about doing this all the time and care about it more than men at the moment. I know, I'm sorry, but that's for real. So like the last time you were, the last time you were, wow, listen to all those fucking prude women out there rooting for you. I know a guy who'd love to hate fuck you right now.

I do. Yeah. But um, come on. He's wearing a Mickey Mouse T shirt I had. He just did a rim shot. A second one, actually. I love it. Well, how about this?

What are you looking for in a guy and quick follow up? What are you not looking for in a professional life partner? That's a good question. Go ahead, Tony. A professional husband? Yeah. Oh, yeah, right. Tony, what kind of guy are you into?

Right under the tip of that mic, Tony. Yeah, like that. Yeah, cool. Man, I don't know right now. Nice. More money than me. I guess about it. So now. Nice. More money than me. I guess about it. So white.

Nice. Yeah. Oh, no. Sorry, James. You're out, buddy. No, coming here is so much more exciting. We only have white and Tyler. So coming here, it's like, no, I want to, like,

could I meet like a Brazilian guy and maybe like, cook up with him and my grandma wouldn't find out and I could like, still go to heaven. You know, like, I think there's like, wow, she's crossing right now. Very fucking funny. Very funny. It's more opportunity here.

No, this is where I come to be diverse and different. Like, this is, I know this is a very white room, but like, this is very different for me, you know? Yeah. This is exciting. How old are you? So I'm in a fucking being here, 32. 32, and here you are. And this is something you've wanted to do for know, how we're fucking being here. 32. 32.

Yeah. And here you are. And this is something you've wanted to do for years, you said, huh? Yeah. I didn't really talk about him much. I told, I met Steve Bern once. I told him. And he's not me dropping.

Stop, stop. I just tried to be around this world as much as possible. Hell yeah. So this is probably the highlight of my life, yes. But yeah, I told him I wanted to do this. He was like, well, different. I do it every day. And you don't. So now I guess I told him I wanted to do this. He was like, well, different. I do it every day, and you don't.

So now I guess I'm going to attempt to do that. I might of your life was meaning Steve Furnst. This is, I've just been trying. Well, you know, your name is Tony Robinson? Yeah, I know. And I get it. A good friend of mine is Tony Robbins. And I don't want to misquote him.

But he told me once when I first got into show business, and this pertains to what you're experiencing. Could you give me a little spotlight and some house music? Yeah, get my little something, man. Yeah, get my little something, man. Perfect. There it is.

Redbat, hit me with the little soft tunes, if you don't mind. Okay, I'm not trying to fuck Tony. I just wanted some piano background. There we go. Just a piano. Just a piano, I'm not trying to fuck Tony. I just wanted some piano background. There we go. Just the piano. Just the piano. I'm good. So look, Tony Robbins went to me. Good friend. I don't mean to name drop. Steve Burn. But Tony once told me that life is like a big...

It's like a big pussy. You want to make it come sometimes, sometimes you want to make it squirt, but you don't want to leave it dry and empty of opportunity and value. You want to show it respect, but you also want to murder that shit. Like Cam Patterson with a pocket full of bullets and rocks. But I think Tony, what you're lacking is what you're gaining. And that's, you know, I just think that with every step you take and every breath you make, you know, and again, this goes back to Tony Robbins, who I think each children. He's a giant man with a lack of 10, but a game plan.

And I think Tony, you've got jokes, and you've got a long way to go. But I think with the help of a positive attitude and a gym membership, you'll get there. We'll be right back. Wow. Holy shit. Tony. Very fucking funny. Tony Robinson. Not only was your minute fun, you have an unbelievably natural knack at this interview thing, a real true stage presence. Congratulations.

You got a big joke book, a gel blaster. Very fun times. Congratulations, you got a big joke book, a gel blaster. Very fun times. The Killtony debut of Tony Robinson. Perhaps the most defensive Tony on this stage right now. Yeah, we're going to do another bucket pool. Make some noise for your next comedian, Brenda Sparks, everybody. Brenda Sparks, here we go.

Brenda, here's Brenda, everybody. But make some noise for Brenda, everybody. These people wait all night for this. Hey everybody! So, I used to be in Goblin' No Legs. Crazy. How tall he was. I'm over here like five, one, I'm like,

what you got? He used to beat me and point in God's Emmy, and I'd be like, I look into myself. Run between trees, bitch. Treat him like a bear, zig-zags. You know? God, that nigga, you know what I mean? So, yeah, that was a bad one.

I feel bad for that one. I'm my bad guys. I'm a little nervous and I'm scared about Tony over there, looking like scary shit. Yeah, so, yeah, what's up? Yeah. That's it. Yeah.

35 seconds, one N word and 35 seconds. Yeah. Yeah. No seconds, one N word and 35 seconds? Yeah. Yeah. No jokes, one N word. Yeah. Yeah. Holy shit. You scared me.

You scared the shit out of me, bro. Likewise. Yes. Thank you. Jesus. Fucking Christ. You're, you're terrifying. Oh my God.

You scared me, dude. What waffle house did you just crawl out of? Holy shit. It's right, it's right. I don't even know where the fuck to begin with this thing. I have to get rid of it. What do you live under a professional wrestling ring? What are you? Yeah.

By the way, the only person I've ever heard say the N word and then go, my bad. I mean, is if that negated it, I don't even like to say the word negate, but I said it to prove a point. Yeah. But I said it to prove a point. That's... A mister!

A mister! Got you comfortable, a mister? You were comfortable? I-I-I-I-you was! Yeah! I'm not too comfortable! It looked like you were fucking prolapsing up here. I was!

I was! Oh. Look, we've all been there! Oh, God! We get nervous, we let the N-word slip. Who are we to judge? Yeah, no, you're right. If we're judging others, we're judging ourselves first.

Yeah. Thanks. Steve Burns said that. Yeah. Thanks. Steve Burns said that. Yeah. Yep. I might come on tour, fuck it. I'm going to leave my wife, move to Austin, Texas. I do want to ask it.

So you came up here with a couple things to get off your chest. Yes. Yes. Did you feel like you accomplished what you set out to do? No. I did not. What would you do in hindsight going back? I would do my jokes better. Yeah have confidence about it. Well confidence will come. Yeah with timing and preparation I love you Phil. Thank you. Love you too. Yeah, I'm not you know, but I'm gonna buy a hotel

But I do think but I do think that you you're you're not unlikable. You know? Oh, damn, damn. I think how many times have you done stand up? That's my fifth time. Yeah, did you say the N word all the other times too? No, I did. I did not.

Why are you opening? Why do you think that came out tonight? I do not know. How often do you say a when you're not in front of a sold out Sorry you're from what my Baltimore was known for no for crab cakes not the N word from Black people. That's fair. It is fair.

I am right. Well, it's really fair. You got to fuck up to fuck in. I don't know. There's a cliche there somewhere. But you got to learn from your mistakes. I learned it. Let me ask you a question, Brenda.

How many Black guys have to fuck you so that you think you're allowed to say that word like that. 37. OK, there you go. And also, how do you look both 14 and 72 at the same time? I don't know. Why do you look like you smoked all of Cam's rocks? I did.

I did. I just saw him. So yeah. All right. Have you ever eaten anything other than fast food before? No. No. All right.

Talk about for life all day. I love it. Can I say this? Yes. And this is why I love the show. Tony's throwing it. She's taking it and throwing it right back. The yes and ability, you got to acknowledge that.

I'm sorry. Thank you. Your jokes might have been fucking atrocious. But you're at least, you're not, but you're gonna get in defensive. Tony's fucking throwing it your way, which is well deserved. Oh, he's a scary bro.

Yeah, but you're taking it and you're going, yeah, he fast-food. I've seen the show. Yeah, but now, why do you really do drugs? You said yes to the crowd. What do you do? Well, how many drugs did you do? Uh, I've been,

Can I take some guesses on this? Yeah, this will be a fun game. You have it to me, Tony. This will be a red band. Can I get some theme music real quick? Oh, hostess. So I'm thinking maybe, you know, you started with a little... maybe a touch of Adderall as a kid, right? A little bit of Ritalin, right?

No. And then, as you got older, you tried cocaine for the first time. Yeah, okay. And am I right so far? Not the Adderall, but the cocaine, the first time. Yeah, okay. And am I right so far? Not the Adderall, but the cocaine, yes. Ritalin? No. Nothing?

So you started with cocaine? I started with drugs when I was 22. Oh wow, you just, you caught, you caught a pass, huh? Zero. You started at 22 you in all the way. Yeah, I went ham, bro. So you started with cocaine and then you went to crack. No, never done crack.

No, no. Straight to crystal meth after cocaine. There it is. There it is. Two years. Two years. We've got to be years. Two years of crystal meth.

Two years of crystal meth. Hell. I was 101 pounds. You would never think, hmm, she likes fast food when I was on that myth, bro. Wow. Tell us, what are some of the things you would do when you are on Crystal Math?

Um, I would clean the house with a toothbrush. Wow. It would. It seems like that's the only time you used a toothbrush. You're not wrong, you're right. And then I would also place a random slot game on my phone for 12 hours. Wow.

Yeah. What is something that, because we all have secrets, right? What is something that we don't know about you that we might want to know and that you might want to know about yourself? That's a, wow, that's a question. Well, fucking answer it. I'm getting there. All right, sorry.

Sorry. I'm a little impatient. I know. Something that I want to tell everybody that I want to say about myself. It doesn't have to be like, you know. I like getting fucked in the ass. There we go.

Oh. And this is why you ask the hard-hitting questions. Yeah. Now, with what? I mean, I usually like a penis, but like, if I have a god one, I got a friend. You got a friend? What does that mean?

I got a dodo, and I name him Bob. You need him Bob? Yeah. After Bob's burgers or what? Bob's second. Hey, Bob Bark burgers or what? Um... Bob's egg. Hey, Bob Barker! Uh? Money.

One in the Plinko too in the Stinko, you know what I'm saying? Thank you, Dr. Felt. I'm a sucker for a good anal plinco joke. Always having always will be. One in the showdown, two in the holddown. You know what I'm saying? Hello. So stupid.

That's brutal. How many abortions have you had? I have this question written down. Only one. not just today We mean does one okay in life one good. It's been a year now so one oh There you go. Oh My god I don't know how I feel about that last sound effect

You imagine a doctor playing that after he does your abortion? Yeah, I think we got it. Oh, there's a phone call coming in, Dr. Piltake. Hey, it's me, Hans Kim. Making sure you got my abortion payment to PayPal. I told you I did impressions, shook my dick, Steve Bern. Woo. You're stealing his essence.

Oh my god. It's bullbag. Brenda, you say you like getting fucked in the ass. Anything crazy ever happened when you're getting fucked in the ass. You ever have any accidents or anything like that? So I like eating fucked in the ass, but the thing I hate the most is when a guy's fucking

you in the pussy and then he goes, oops, my bad. Warn me first. You know what I mean? Let me know. Warn you what? He puts it in the wrong hole. Oh, he put it in. He put it in.

He was in my vagina. And then he comes out and then it puts it in the wrong hole. And he had... He's got to be very similar though. I gotta be ready for it. I gotta be ready for it. This is red band. Come on, get out of here.

I'm red band. You get one a show, get it out of here. Wait, wait, wait, wait. Red band, are you telling us that your email alert is a queesound effect? Wait, Red band, I'm gonna do you, uh, play that sound again. I'm red-bend, okay. Oh, I just got a text from my mom. What the fuck outta here with this bullshit? Holy shit. Fucking captain computers over here.

Wait, so the sensation's different though, but from the pussy, right? And that's the third time I've ever seen a fucking fucking computer. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. Holy shit. Holy shit. Fucking capping computers over here. Wait, so the sensation's different though, the butt from the pussy, right?

And that's the third time I've asked that today. But... What do you... Now, if we were to pull the audience, what do you think they would say is the fave? vagina. vagina, yeah. We always go vagina over butt, right? Oh, it's...

Yeah. Why do you think we started fucking in the butt, Tony? Well, I actually, I actually, I didn't mean to like that. I just looked at you first. I actually wrote the book on this. Brenda, let me ask you another question. Oh, I love questions. Go ahead, Toby. Because you seem like you've lived a wildlife talker.

I have. How old are you again? I am about to put 32 in December. Good, good. Wow. Wow, calm down over there, bro. Oh, no. Don't do the old car start sound.

Yeah. OK. OK. Wait a minute. OK. It's 32. Not start sound. Okay, okay. Okay, wait a minute. Okay. It's 32, not 82, come down every minute. Right, okay, so 32 years old. We've learned so much about you. I mean, for someone that did 30, you might have the longest interview to short set ratio

here. We're at 11 minutes on the interview. That means 35 seconds of stand-up comedy, but your interview is so, so intriguing. Before we let you go, we found out so much about you. Chris still mad. Fucked in the ass. So much. Yeah. Before you go, what's one more thing about your entire life that you think we would be entertained by or surprised by? Because you seem like you, I mean, you are truly just. I'm a female butcher.

I'm the only female butcher. Fuck yeah. You're the only female butcher at HB. At HB? What HB are you the female butcher at? Lake line. What? Lake line.

Lake line? Yeah. Oh shit. James Ackon's realizing this. Now you now you know what? All the meat tasted like shit. Yeah. Wow, the only female butcher. Yes. Absolutely incredible. Yeah. What's your living situation? What type of barely? Are you a sleeping bag or a water bed girl? I think it's bean bag chair bean bag chair. Don't knock a bean bag chair. I never want to get Papa's on old April Papa's on Papa's on Papa's on Papa's on Papa's on Papa's on

Yeah, you must love them. I do I do because of the other thing. Yeah, the other thing wait now. Let me ask you this before we let you go What And be honest with me because again, we all come from somewhere already talking about my As place I appreciate you being so open and honest. I don't care Well, we do a little bit. That's fine. You'll get over it.

You'll move on. What do you love about comedy? What brings you to come to the stage and go, I want to talk about this, because it's tough to be an open book. It's tough to be a closed book with an open heart. If you want me to be honest, yeah. That's what I just fucking said.

Yeah. And it's going to be stupid. No, it's not. Really think about it. Look inward and think about it. It's Tony. It's Tony. It's gonna be stupid. No, it's not. Really think about it. Look and word and think about it. It's Tony. It's Tony. It's Tony.

It's Tony. Did you hear that? She said it's Tony. I said, what makes you? I've seen you live twice and you blew my mind. So it's Tony. Jesus fucking Christ. That's fucking cool.

I'm sorry, that's fucking cool. Tony, fucker in the bud. There you go. Thank you. Here's the little joke book for you. Cool Tony Bucker in the bud. There you go Here's a little joke book for you There she goes one more time for Brenda sparks everybody All right, we're having fun here tonight. Hell yeah. Thank you. There you go Okay, well, we have a golden ticket winner our newest golden ticket winner It is he is a force of nature. I'm very excited

This is only his third time ever on the show This is your guys is first time Dr. Phil and Sam talent your first time seeing the newest golden ticket winner He's only in town for a little bit. He's got to get back to Brussels in a couple weeks. This is Rick Diaz everybody everybody. Thanks a nice for Rick. Oh, you're already laughing. I'm not having said anything yet. That hurts my soul. I've recently started seeing someone. She hasn't noticed yet. Every time I hear a child cry, I run as far away as possible. I learned that from my father. I met this girl and she told me she was open-minded and I changed her mind. I never take dick pics unless I see a really nice one.

Fuck yeah, Dr. Phil. I called the suicide hotline and a very nice guy called Mark picked up the phone and he was, he really listened to me. He really listened to me. He felt so listened to for the first time in my life and at the end of our conversation, I had to convince him not to kill himself. Amazing. Rick Diaz, on brand, on point, self-deprecating, completely owning the awkward character that he is.

That is the real deal. That is who Rick Diaz is. Very funny. Very funny. What sort of a condition do you have? Yeah. So I asked my therapist and he insists I'm not autistic. Very funny. Very funny. What sort of a condition do you have? So I asked my therapist and he insists I'm not autistic. So I was like, then what?

I don't know. That's very funny. So what did he say after that? No, he says I'm not even depressed. So I'm like very confused. But I still paid him. I think that's all he gives a shit about. Yeah, do you have like a weird bone disease or something?

No, I have bones. I can't see yours, so you know. Oh, shit. Oh, God. Oh! God! I've been brusseled! Exactly. In honor of 9-11, I brought Rick on this show because you can knock him down with a paper airplane. I would set it on fire.

It'd be nice. Rick, you're incredible. You've been here for a couple of weeks. Yes, sir. This is your third time on the show. Your third Monday in Austin, Texas. It was blown away by your first appearance. And you were here, you said you were here for a month.

I said you can perform every Monday this month that you're here. Yes. How has Austin, Texas been treating a guy like you? I'd imagine you get knocked over a lot on sixth street. Yeah, and I was incredible sixth street that this is lady came up to me because people recognized me now. The people I've seen me here and this very hot woman came up to me and she was like, oh my god, did you guys from Kiltoni? And the long story short, we didn't fuck. Goodbye. Okay. What's the farthest you got? Did you get close to fucking? No.

I got to her car and then Trump is sad. Yeah, I was very sweet. Yeah, yeah, yeah, I mean she didn't ask me to walk her to her car Yeah, you shove yourself on to her Pretty much. Yeah, you chased her to her car You ran her to her car. How nice pretty sure. You ran her to her car. How nice of you. I have long legs. I can walk.

Yeah. You're like Michael Myers. You're just walking and you stay right with a person sprinting away. I can hide behind the bush pretty good. For Halloween, I'm going to dress as a serial killer. Yeah, I'm going to dress a serial killer. Yeah, I'm gonna dress like this. Amazing. Amazing.

You sound like Dracula's agent. I would be so rich if I was. Born in Spain, how long have you lived in Brussels? I moved to Brussels when I was seven, so many, many years. Right. And have you ever drank the blood of an innocent human? I have tried. And failed.

Yeah, innocent humans can beat me up. Have you been in a fight ever? Sorry? Have I been in a fight ever? No, a 12-year-old kid punched me in the subway once. Why? He wanted my money. What'd you do?

I was in shock, but I kept my money, I guess. Did you walk her? Did you walk her into his car or something like that afterwards? I kind of half-result a guy that I was semi-fighting in high school, and I lost predictably so. Yeah. But if I ever have to fight someone, I'm ready to die. I've been ready to die for a while, so, you know, let's go. Wow. Yeah, and this is

what I love. People that got nothing to lose, but everything to gain, you know. And you could gain a couple pounds while we're at it. But also, I think that your slender figure is what gives you the hunger, no pun intended, for life. Because your jokes per minute are more I've heard than anybody that we've had up here tonight. And I think that Brussels is letting the rest of the country know, Austin in particular, that you guys got some special happening over there. Well, if I judge it by my laughs per minute,

I think Hans Kim would have got on a run for his money tonight. Whoa! Shit! Whoa! Shit! Whoa! Whoa!

Oh, shit! But you have a full-time, very, very, very important job in Brussels, isn't that correct? So you technically can't be a regular on this show anyway. I could take a leave of abs since he's finally gocheted it. Jesus Christ. Yeah, but you need like a green car, or you can't just be here every week. That doesn't American passport. I could apply for that shit.

I mean- And I would kick Hans Kim's ass. Oh, the same thing. Jesus Christ. Oh, God. Rick Diaz. Wow. I mean, he beat me at Katan, so you know, fuck you, Hans Kim. Wow. Oh, yeah, that sounds like some nerd shit. What was that? What's Katan?

Is it like Dungeons and Dragons? It was a cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool, cool. I mean, I'm not sure if shit. What was that? Like nerd shit. What's Katana? Is it like Dungeons and Dragons? Me, Snorke? It's worth the impression contest. A Christian Contest. It's worth the impression contest.

Funny Sam. Thank you. Wait, what is it? What is it for real? It's like a board game where you build houses based on resources you acquire, such as wood, bricks, uh, yeah, wheat, there she plays. This is worse than the butt-fucking addict. I agree. Yes. But you know, to each his own. Yeah, I got a butt-feet. Yeah. Yeah. I like it. You're opening up. I love that. Thank you. Amazing. Well, Rick, Hans isn't up for a challenge this week because he had one this week.

Not to not anyway, but you know. I had no idea you were interested in such a thing. But I mean, you're a golden ticket winner. You have you have a spot on the show no matter what, but it seems like you. I feel like you're protecting him. How much longer are you in town for? How many more Mondays do you have here? Two Mondays. So this is an interesting storyline to follow because technically this means if that's really what you want.

Technically it means that if Hans has a rough set next week, which we almost know for a fact that without him being challenged, he's going to, then that would mean that on that last Monday that you're here, you have a chance to technically become the newest regular on Kilt Tony. Winner gets citizenship. Yeah. That's true.

Hans cam is an illegal immigrant. Yeah. Not a lot of people know that. I feel like I was abducted by an illegal immigrant. Anyway, what? That made sense to me. It doesn't matter. I got back to the Hans Kim's level right now.

So that's what happened. Oh, shit. Man, you hate Hans. I actually love the dude.skins level right now. That's what happened. Oh shit. Man, you hate Hans. I actually love the dude. He's fun to talk. Now he is. He's good-sgreat. Well, Hans has one advantage.

He can be out when the sun's out, you know? Ha-ha-ha. But you must be at home until the moon shows up. Ha-ha-ha-ha. One, two, three tiny thingas with bones next to them. I don't know, I'll panic. Thanks for the sound effect, shoutout. Red Band, it's not as change a pace from that fucking diabetic queef you played earlier.

Diabetic queef, by the way, great name for a band. That is true, I'm a big fan. There it is. Rick Diaz, another great showing, another great minute, another great interview. Golden ticket winner, not easy to do. Rick Diaz, ladies and gentlemen. All right, back to the bucket and very exciting news. This is an

ordinary with the odds of this happening, but it is another inside house bucket pool. One of you has been pulled out of the bucket and I do believe the name of this person is Jet Nomin, everybody. Jet. Jet. Oh boy, there's jet. Here we go. Coming from the audience. His friends seem concerned. His buddy is wearing a shirt that says, still a siphon on it, this should be interesting. The Kiltoni debut of Jet Nomin, everybody. Oh, shit. I'm going to have to give me a second here. All right, so I'm usually, I just became a dog person. It's because I, I don't know, all right, so you got this. Yeah. Thanks,

Dr. Phil. So I just became a dog person. Not just because I was a dog sitting for one of my friends. And he was out of town for like a about a week and a half. And he had, he's got one of these, like, it's a mut. Yeah, I know you got it. But he got back. He was upset with me. We'll be right back. No. He was upset with me because he...

Oh my God. Wow. Jet, nom and everybody. and I'm going to say, right now, everybody, I have to say, that is the most disappointing jet in 9-11 history, am I correct? I'm supposed to have wires that lift me up in the air. Don't fucking touch me. Get back over there. Where's the Austin security guard service when you need them? There's a fucking Geico caveman touching me up here.

Look at this fucking melting stoner. What are you? Jesus Christ. You are frightening. You look like Brendan Frazier's corpse. Holy shit, you fucking sock, dude. You did frightening. You look like Brendan Frazier's corpse. Holy shit, you fucking sock, dude. You did nothing. You signed up and you did nothing.

I definitely just might be the worst bomb on 9-11 for sure. There you go. Sorry. That's horrible. I made that joke 45 seconds ago. Except I did it much better. There were no bombs on 9-11. But I bet you think they're work as you seem like a conspiracy theorist.

I don't like it. Sam talent go ahead. It was tragic. Yeah. Yes. It was horrible in every single way. I bet you have nothing for an interview. It's just horrible.

I hate it. Why did you do that to yourself? Were you in the video game? No, I didn't. Were you in the video game, Paperboy? I was. Yes. All right. No further questions.

You did nothing. You have nothing. You get nothing. Ladies and gentlemen, Jett Nomm and everybody. There he goes. Should we ask? Unbelievable.

Boo this man. Come on, I'll wait till he comes back around and goes back to his seat. I want this to be a good fucking boo. Here he comes. Should we ask him something? There he is right there. Come on. Oh, you have a question for Jen now.

Yeah, man, we should ask, we should at least get something, right? He couldn't speak. No, he couldn't speak, and he had bad timing on his retorts. Was it, were you fucked up? Were you too high? No, he has no excuse. We've all been there. I once drove to a 7-11, forgot I drove and walked home.

And then I freaked out, I was like, someone stole my, my dodge dart. True story, you can Google it. Oh my God. I hope Chris painted that joke. Chris you're killing it. Who the- Wow, oh my God. Little sneak peek, huh? Well, it's funny that we mentioned that because ladies and gentlemen, it is that time.

We have come to the end of the episode and what an episode it has been. How fucking fun was this tonight? Let me remind all of you. Let me remind all of you. Let me remind all of you. Adam Ray, live from Portland, not YouTube. Sam Talon, the Treby Behemoth podcast, running the light is the book, get it at samtalen.com. Adam Ray is on tour at AdamRaycomedy.com.

Yeah, I know. We're going to wipe the memory of Jett away right now as I bring up the man who holds the record for most appearances all time on this show. The most interviews in the history of the show The vanilla gorilla the Memphis Strangler the St. Louis assassin The big red machine William Montgomery 9-11 update, it still happened. So in the past month, I've discovered that Barack Obama is bisexual and the Russian opposition leader may still be alive and I only got one question. You mean to tell me Captain D's and Long John Silver's still ain't settled this year, man? Fish fry nuggets, raise up who you with! Popeyes Army 504, you hear me? Who do you, who do you?

I saw a headline earlier today that said earthquake rocks Morocco back to the Stone Age and I couldn't help a wander. So the earthquake caused no damage in Morocco. The earthquake caused no damage in Morocco. That place, he's staying in the stone age. Doodoo! Doodoo! Why does Donald Trump even want to run for president again? He's already achieved more than most of the people in this room. That would be like if Michael Jordan stopped playing basketball at the height of his career and joined a minor league baseball team

Quick 9-11 update they just found a missing plane Okay, all right William Montgomery everybody I Do believe he's had a new hoody hoody trademark to the hoody And a new hoody hood trademark 23 years after the song was a hit, and it was only a hit specifically to people very deep in the hip hop listening community. But here you are in Austin, Texas,

96% white audience dropping a brand new Who Do You joke. And they're going along with it. They don't know what it means or represents But hoody who is the call for the killers for those who do they don't know Thank you, John D's absolutely Red band quits doing sound effects during the William part for some reason because he can be lazier than he already is In a stunning turn of events. When the easiest job in the world can't be any easier.

You don't interrupt William unless he's gonna start making fun of me. Fuck me! Fuck me! It's unbelievable. I wasn't even gonna say shit to your stupid ass tonight, you fucking idiot. You woke the beast, baby. Yeah, don't fucking give me piss. Fuck the night, bitch! Oh, hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody ho do you think Horton heard a hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody ho do you think Horton heard a hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody hoody ho Yes, I think he did. I'm just trying to make small talk. Yeah.

So William, what made you, how did you find Hoody Ho from True? Spelled TRU by the way. Without the E. That don't know, correct my correct John? Yes. Thank you. Yes, go ahead.

I've been in a really big New Orleans rap sort of era in my life recently ever since i found out that the little dog that i got is in fact not along here to a while but in fact or i'll or i had sorted joked i joked around to me that she was a r i'll or just fucking around obviously but we got the dna results back we got a twenty three in me on her and she is one hundred percent or i'll or so i had been living pretty much at least in my mind on the streets of New Orleans.

Yeah, circa early 2000s. It's just how I fucking live. I literally, I've always joked about having a couple pistols in my car. I literally have two in Smith, two Smith and Wessons in my car right now. So, wow, very, very interesting. I try to say, math and Swiss, I fucked it up

when I try to say Smith and Wesson. Sure, I will edit this out, but I think that there's something about, you know, I've got some grandma's cookies and a Sega Game Gear in my car, so point William, you know. But why do you need a gun? Who's coming after you? I have these people.

I've literally, when I talk about being in my kind of early 2000s kind of Louisiana, New Orleans, rap era, I literally was living that life about 10 years ago outside of Kansas City and it's kind of, there are people after me right now so that's why I was hoping Red Band wouldn't fuck up before I kind of laid this out on y'all, yeah, I mean, there are these people after me, so I do have two puss. Oh, that was a funny one. What was that? What was that? That was a really funny one. I was thinking you were going to do some fun on that when you fucking idiot. That was sci-fi alarm one. Yeah. It was. And there's seven different sci-fi alarms over there. Why don't we try sci-fi alarm two?

Ooh. That's a sci-fi alarm. Yeah, I've never heard of this. Who do you who? Who do you who? That's real. Now, is your a wrong time to who do you who? Or is it always, it's always the right time to who do you.

Well, moment of silence, maybe. Well, moment of silence maybe. Yeah, moment of silence. I mean, moment of silence is you don't want to hoot you. For sure. Not a moment of silence for sure. You don't want to hoot you if everybody's trying to be quiet, like a funeral or 9-11 memorial. 9-11 memorial.

Yeah, anything like that. But if they had a hoot you who alarm in the towers that day, a lot of people would have survived. They would have. Yeah. Would take a sip of my drink. Now, William, you were telling me you owe someone $3,500? Oh, yeah, I don't want to talk about, I'm not talking about that right now.

Tell that tale. Tell that tale. Tell that tale. Tell that tale. Tell that tale. Tell that tale. T- T- Go, we got it. Yeah, Sam was it lying, but it's just a weird situation. That's it. Tell the people, it's not like I've done nothing wrong.

You did nothing wrong. I did nothing wrong. No, you're just a gullible oaf. I'm just a gullible oaf. Yeah. Glad you're doing a dirty laundry tonight. I actually know the story I know what you're talking about. It's that story. Yeah, uh Can I say it's kind of crazy. It's actually hilarious. I think I don't know. He's all right

Maybe we shouldn't should we do a movie trailer for it? Yes. Yeah But I don't know what happened. In a world where a podcast advertiser, InkTide Sam will get some music going. Okay. Can we get some live? Can I play drums? You want me to give you the lowdown and then you could...

Yeah, please. I'll give you the lowdown. Hell yeah. Sam on drums. I like this. Okay, so William has a podcast, but he mostly focuses on his cameos he makes vast sums of money to cameo but he also has a podcast but he has too many people on it they're all

talking over each other at the same time so that it doesn't have that many listeners even though it should it should be mostly him the star being featured in it but he's he has the in his fears that he can't get over so he clusters it up with too much cluttered up with too many people. Anyway, his viewership is so low that his ads that he's supposed to do, he actually owes money. Yeah, not only am I not owed anybody,

I owe the person $3,500. Fucking dollars. How is that possible? It's literally hard to hurt them in the podcast world. It's the opposite of Joe Rogan's Spotify deal. Yes, he owes somebody 35 billion. I owe somebody money. Okay, here is the movie trailer.

This is Dr. Phil. In a world where one man had a podcast, the William, a gummeries show. The enthusiasm was low, but the ad sales were lower. I owe money. They owed a fuck ton of cash. $3,500. $3,500 to be exact.

Hello, Fresh has a gun pointed at their cock. I'm not allowed to go anywhere near the Hello, Fresh corporate office of his. He's the only man in Austin, Texas, to not realize his full potential with the people on his podcast willingly holding him back. I mean, I can explain that one. I mean, we're good. We'll figure it out in the movie. Okay.

One man, one summer, one beard. $3,500 later. He had to do anything for cash and was willing to do whatever it takes. Just take your penis out of your shorts, man. His...his... He was kicked out of most grocery stores for asking people to take their penises out. But he needed to support his family. I've got like five kids right now.

He's got five kids. And it's really hard to raise five little boys on $3,500, missing from your bank account. And every day he woke up looking in the mirror, saying the same thing. Is my hemorrhoid ever gonna get out from my fucking asshole? He'd already forgotten about his real kids and focused on his butthole kids, his hemorrhoids. Five hemorrhoids, five kids.

He knew that this was a summer of change. The summer everything had to turn in his favor William Montgomery had one hoodie who left he stars in this summer's feature film gullible With Cam Patterson is the guy with rocks and bullets With Cam Patterson is the guy with rocks and bullets. Um, Brian Redman is the guy who does his penis out at the H.E.B. And comedian Jen with the longest story ever with No Ending. This summer, Gollible Hole, and select theaters only only only at the mothership. Fuck yes.

Oh my god. Wow. Oh my god. Wow. You know what? Let's do something fun. William, put that mic back in the mic. Sam, you stay right there for a second. William, you sit right here.

Come sit here. You guys want to do one more special thing to end the night, huh? Sam, play this guy up. Who I'm about to announce. Ladies and gentlemen, closing the night, doing a minute of stand-up comedy for the first time on Killtony. New stand-up comedian, old legend Dr. Bell. Thanks so much, everybody. One more time for Jet, my son.

And one more time for the Kill Tony Band, the best band in fucking Austin Texas. I'll tell you that, March right now. Yeah, you fucking know it All right, I didn't think I was gonna come up do in a real comedy, but I wrote a couple things down So bear with me if you play that fucking cat Red Band, I'll put you in a fucking sleeper hold Just stick to the quiff. All right. Let's see, Hans is actually a nickname. It's short for keep your fucking Hans off me. All right. There's something there. Hansen is an AA. If AA stood for Autistic Asian. All right, not bad. David Lucas wishes he could be here, but he's washing his hair with syrup.

There's something there, we workshop it. I think I'll get on the secret show. David Lucas looks like he has ho-hoes in different area codes. I mean, that's not bad. It's not great, but it's not bad. Fuck, what else? I don't know. Do a couple of impressions for you real quick.

This is my impression of Ray Romano, finding out that the Pelotani ordered has been a backlogged and won't arrive in time for his Pelotong party. Here we go. All right, you gotta be kidding me. What else we got? All right, that's it. Thank you so much. I appreciate you guys. Yeah, thanks for letting me come by.

Oh, get the fuck outta here. Oh, big, so fucking oyster dog. I love you. I love you. I love Donnie. I love you. I love you, my god. Adam Ray, comedy dogcom. I'll have one more time for the great Sam Talley, everybody. Chubby Bohemen podcast.

Running the light. One more time for the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery! Woo! Catch him on cameo! Thank you to Jill Glass, Saradro, Zilloros, Hall of Opera, and Nick Mobile Health, CM Smokehouse, Zippx! Our Security Guard Service in Skrewbolt, being up at a whiskey, the drawing from Ryan J. Bult

is in and it's unbelievable!key, the drawing from Ryan J. Bilt is in and it's unbelievable. Here comes the drawing from Chris Rogers. Indeed, it is William Montgomery. I don't think I've ever laughed more in the history of this show. Ten years and fucking three months. My mind is completely blown. Two of my favorite guests in the history of the show. How about one more time for Adam Ray and Sam Town and everybody? Holy shit. That was the hardest I've laughed at anything in a long time, man. That was the fucking best dude. Unbelievable, right? You were here for maybe what was perhaps the funniest episode in the show's history. Check out the sunset strip ATX.com secret show every Thursday. Love you.

We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. I'm gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one who's gonna be the one nd ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch

ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch ouch Thank you. you you