KILL TONY - #633 - KAM PATTERSON + DAVID JOLLY

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is RedBan and you are listening to Kill Tony. If you want to check out any past episode, check out Desquad.tv. There you have all the links to all the video and audio of all the past episodes at deathsquad.tv. If you want to check out Tony and his new Tories all over the road right now, go to TonyHinchcliff.com to check out his tour schedule and everything golden pony. And Kill Merch.com is everything Kill Tony for merchandise, get all the new hats, shirts and everything else at Kill Merch.com. And don't forget if you're in Austin, Texas, check out a new comedy club, The Sunset Strip.

Starting point is 00:00:41 It's at SunsetStripATX.com. The secret shows every single Thursday. Check us out, SunsetStripATX.com. The secret shows every single Thursday. Check us out SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Killtony. Hey everybody, Killtony live from the H.E.B. Center in Austin, Texas. Saturday, December 30th at 7 p.m. Just went on sale and you have to trust me. Tickets are going lightning fast. It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kiltoni ever in an arena. This is two and a half, three times as big as the ACL Live Theater

Starting point is 00:01:18 that we did for the 10-year anniversary. We've become an arena act. So check it out. It's going to be crazy. A lot of surprises, a lot of fun, unbelievable guests. It's a big production. This is our version of WrestleMania. Go to ticketmaster.com, look up Keltoni.

Starting point is 00:01:33 It's the one with tickets available. We're going back to back nights, the 30th and the 31st, HEB Center, live. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music.

Starting point is 00:01:56 I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. I'm not a fan of the music. Hey, this is Red Band, come to your life from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas or a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony, take this clip! Who's ready for the best fucking Monday night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Mixed with red band everybody.

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Starting point is 00:12:02 Again, create an account and redeem code kilttononi for $20 off. Download game time today! Last minute tickets! Lowest price! Guaranteed! Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? It feels like a good crowd in here. How many of you are real fans of the show? It feels like a good crowd in here. How many of you are real fans of the show? Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 00:12:27 Then you probably know, sometimes, you know, I book every single episode of the show myself. And I try to think of what do we do the week before, what do we do two weeks before, where are we going, what have we done. And on top of having some of the most famous feature Netflix new special comedians. Sometimes I like featuring and showing you guys the style of the future and the present. This is a very special one. If you guys are really fans of the show, I think you're going to be tremendously excited. I always know when it's going to be a really funny episode.

Starting point is 00:13:02 The one airing tonight, for example, Dr. Phil played by Adam Ray in Sam Tallinn. I warned people for weeks, that's an episode you're not gonna wanna miss. I spent 80% of the episode here laughing while trying to host the show at the same time. This is one of those episodes that I think is going to be a thing of legends.

Starting point is 00:13:21 I could be wrong, who fucking knows, but I very rarely am wrong. This is the central core of what I believe is the future of Kill Tony. Their first time ever is panelists. You're watching history. This is what we would call a Jackie Robinson-like moment. As I present to you, your guests for this evening,

Starting point is 00:13:42 their first time sitting on panel of Kill Tony. Their first time not doing a minute. And instead, sitting here, make some noise for Cam Patterson and David John. Oh my God. Oh shit. Oh shit! Woo!

Starting point is 00:14:14 Let's fucking go! We're spending the whole night together! Can you people give me a gang violence? Yeah! Oh shit! Tyler Perry presents Kill Tony. This is unbelievable. Red band, we are outnumbered on this stage right now. I don't know if you've noticed that or not. This is the first. This is so shit, you're right. Five on three and whatever the fuck Paul Beamer is. What are you?

Starting point is 00:14:48 I didn't know that Counts for you. You're fired I fucking love it welcome gentlemen. Yeah, yeah, we got a side Get a little more juice on these microphones if we can. How about a hand for Kino in the back? He's deep in the darkness. He never gets the respect he deserves back there. One of the true necessities of the show.

Starting point is 00:15:18 Fun fact about him came over. One of the must-hires we demanded from Vulcan Gas Company. He's been working sound on the show forever. Love you, Keanu, he's back there. And here we are. Black and Milds are lit. Black and Mild, and I do believe we're about to get black and wild.

Starting point is 00:15:38 We got a fucking bit. We're definitely gonna be black, that's for sure. This episode is brought to you by you who chocolate drink. Yeah, and B-E-T, man. We're deep up here, don't we? We're deep up here tonight. Yeah, no, I know, I already tucked my wallet deep into my pocket.

Starting point is 00:15:56 Uh, and I already took his. Hell yeah, oh, he's reaching for it too. I ain't gonna see you in the room. He's reaching for it right when you set it. Oh, I fucking love it. We're going to have a lot of fun here. You guys are legends on the show. You know how it works.

Starting point is 00:16:09 Everybody gets a minute. Over 177 human beings signed up for the chance. To perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. What the fuck is that black string in there? What is that? Oh, it's connected to the Undertaker. One fell out. Oh, OK, grab it.

Starting point is 00:16:28 We'll make that the be the first one. Why not? Oh, one fell out there, too. Sweet. That'll be it. So we pre-pulled the name. There's a big bar next door with literally 177 people in it. And whoever signed up in the room is in addition to that 177. So, that name goes over there, we pull that person out and they will be waiting behind

Starting point is 00:16:50 the stage, but you know how it works. When I pull a name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which just interrupts them. And then I interview them, we find out more about them potentially, what else they could talk about, what makes them interesting, and they get to talk to my esteemed panel of uneducated comedians.

Starting point is 00:17:12 Oh, whoa, I went to college for a year and a half. You did? And I read through a good thing. What college did you go to? I went to Florida A&M University, it's a black school. Oh my god. Yeah. I ain't finished that shit, don't clap's a black school. Oh my God. Yeah. I ain't finished that shit. Don't clap my fucking head.

Starting point is 00:17:28 Fuck y'all clapping for it. My mom and my mad is here still. We know you didn't finish. You said it was a black school. Damn. A year and a half, that basically made you a fucking legend there. They probably had statues. My mom will proud, she will proud for a little while. What were you going for? Computer science, but I barely know.

Starting point is 00:17:47 Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You know you're fucked up when everybody laughs at computer science. I graduated with a 3.5. I'm smart. Wait, I just smoked weed. 3.5 on what? Your DUI test. Oh, it's a fucking life. No, I'm a lie, sir.

Starting point is 00:18:05 Nah, I'm smart a little bit. Just a little bit. Can't be good to college. Fuck no. I want the valicifal muffler just to say, we, and then I had a lift. Hell yeah. That black and ballerina right there.

Starting point is 00:18:21 Absolutely, bam, bam, I'm reading right. Well, while they go grab that comedian from next door, We need to write there. Absolutely, bam, bam, we need to write. Well, while they go grab that comedian from next door, we do have a comedian to go on first. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy starts every single episode of the show, a legend. You know the whole story. I mean, ups and downs and highs and lows

Starting point is 00:18:40 and everything in between. Headlining all around the country, selling out, crushing, having fans come back for more. He's a sensation. He writes a new minute every week, not easy to do. Getting tonight's show started. You guys know the song at all? Yeah!

Starting point is 00:18:57 Sing it if you know it. Pizzle's hot, stick, pizzle's hot, stick, Pizzle's hot, stick, Pigs the noise for a hot sip! This is not fair, this is not fair, this is not fair Oh, I'm going to be a man What's up? Black and mild, more like black and a child I think they should introduce a new submission in the UFC where if you can hold down your opponent

Starting point is 00:19:39 and pretend to have butt-sex with him for 10 seconds, Not only do you win the fight, but your opponent now has to retire. So if you're in a real fight and you get butt fucked, but you still win the fight, no one's gonna remember that you won the fight. I was gonna remember you got butt fucked, and you're probably gonna have to move. It's been a pretty hot summer as an Asian. I hate it when the temperature matches my test scores

Starting point is 00:20:15 I prefer Mexican test scores 70 to 72 all All right, thank you. Woo! Woo! Woo! Hans Cam, ladies and gentlemen, with a brand new minute. Black and child, let's talk about it. Kama Guns of Blazing, are you calling Kama Child?

Starting point is 00:20:41 It's very youthful and... I appreciate that, my nigga. Cam a child? It's very youthful and... Ha ha ha ha. I appreciate that, my nigga. I think. I just want to say, fuck Rick Diaz. Nega, we're gonna kill him. Yeah. It's a little inside baseball, but yes, absolutely. Oh, no, I see what you're saying.

Starting point is 00:20:58 Yes, Rick Diaz challenging him again and again and again and he finally, he he finally got it you are challenging Rick Diaz in the arena sold out H.E.B. Center new year's eve one of you will be doing a new minute every single week and the other will be temporarily at least banned from the show have you been thinking about this at all yeah I've been saving up and thinking about it and just wondering how I'm gonna crush this European with my American might Yeah, you fought that nigga man David Charlie Hans Kim I must say that was a very good

Starting point is 00:21:40 It's very entertaining. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's very, very entertaining. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's very, very entertaining. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:21:52 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's very, very entertaining. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's very, very entertaining.

Starting point is 00:22:00 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It's very, very entertaining. I'm sorry. I'm, what I would give. What I would give to just, you know what, I'm gonna do blackface one day. That'd be a fun episode, right? That's a good idea, it's fun.

Starting point is 00:22:09 Yeah, that'd be fun. Let's switch it. Next week, next week, you host. You host in whiteface, I'll do blackface. Say you promise. What? Say you promise. No.

Starting point is 00:22:22 I'll be, I'll be pinker than a motherfucker. I'll be, I'll be pinkin' in a motherfucker. Yeah. Ha. Ah, Hans Kim, I love it. The hot summer, the Asian scores, that all make sense. That all checks out. That's a real, those are good jokes. Rock solid, the UFC butt fuck thing.

Starting point is 00:22:39 I mean, I don't know. Ah. Where does this come from? What is your writing routine? I guess I probably never asked you that. What's your like regimen? Where do you do it? Are you at a desk?

Starting point is 00:22:51 Are you at the beach? Are you on a toilet? In the shower? What is it? I'm usually laying down because I have a neck injury. Oh. What's your neck injury? Herniated desk.

Starting point is 00:23:02 How did that happen? Doing a little jiu-jitsu. I'm that happen doing little jiu-jitsu uh... i'm a bit of a jiu-jitsu era uh... i'm up to my third stripe on my white belt wow how often do you do that?

Starting point is 00:23:15 i have stopped doing a seven years ago uh... camp patterns you want more with a black belt nigga? You guys usually shoot first, so... David Jolly. I thought you got that neck injury off that big ass head. That big got the whole world in his head. Yeah, I actually graduated college.

Starting point is 00:23:51 That is true. David Jolly is the size of the head of a guy that drops out after a year and a half. You don't have to have a computer science degree to know that you do have a pretty big nog in though, huh? It is incredible. So do you do any exercise at all now? No, jujitsu for seven years. But what's your exercise routine?

Starting point is 00:24:17 These are all questions I feel like I've never asked before. As you can tell, I don't exercise too much. I have a kettlebell, 35 pounds, that I do kettlebell swings with. I'm usually in hotels just doing a foam roller, just to do a little prehab, so I don't injure myself. I have a punching bag. I've punched for Tim Welch, Sugar Sean's trainer, and he said, that's pretty good.

Starting point is 00:24:41 Wow. You're punching bag. What's her name again? My girlfriend. I know. That's pretty good. Wow. You're punching bag. What's her name again? Ha ha ha. My girlfriend. I know. Hans, another great minute. Way to get us started again.

Starting point is 00:24:53 Anything else I'm missing? Anything you want to talk about? You know, I made my career off of a desperate sad comedian that tried to take other comedians down. And on December 31st, I'll do the same at HB arena. Wow This is what I'm talking about. It's a shame. It's already sold out that would do it that would push us over the edge Hans I fucking love you. I'm so proud of you. I like I said, said, jokes like the hot summer Asian test scores, things like that, the fact that you just keep writing a new minute at this pace, it's incredible.

Starting point is 00:25:31 Great stuff. Hans Kim, everybody. Thank you, Tony. Thanks. Way to get us started. So you see how it goes. That's how it goes when it goes good. Now this bucket is filled with people, then it doesn't always go that good.

Starting point is 00:25:45 But then again, we found everybody that you see up here and Hans and everybody else out of this bucket. So, the future could be next, or it could be an insane person. Make some noise for your next comedian, Eric D. Swalm everybody. Straight out of the bucket, we're gonna to meet them all together. Eric, Swarm. Hey, y'all. Is anybody, well, does anybody get any weird compliments? I get like weird compliments all the time. So when told me that they like how my voice sounds,

Starting point is 00:26:18 which I think is weird, because I feel like I sound like I'm doing an impression of a guy that looks like me on helium. Yeah, dude, I also got told that I got a... Someone told me that she likes my butt taste. I got a good taste in asshole. But she was vegan, so I think she was just protein deficient, you know? I also got told I fuck like a porn star. Was it all the cameras? Okay.

Starting point is 00:26:49 Yeah, I don't fucking know. I got, this one heard a little bit. I got off stage and these dudes like, hey man, I didn't think you were going to be funny. I was like, dude, that's a terrible way to call a guy handsome. Yeah, I don't even know. I don't even know if I write good jokes, man. I'm just pretty sure I'm pretty enough to make you feel a little bit gay. Thank you, that's my time. Okay, Eric D. Swam. Is this your first time on the show, Eric?

Starting point is 00:27:22 It is, yeah. Okay, welcome. How long you been on stand up? Four years. Four years. And how long have you looked like Mario Lopez with Down syndrome? Oh, shit. Ha, ha, ha.

Starting point is 00:27:33 Four years, all of it here in Austin? No, I came from Reno, Nevada. Okay, Reno, Nevada. That's where you've been doing it, huh? Yeah. The smallest big city or whatever. Sure, bullshit like that. I mean you would know you live there. Yeah it is that's what they call it. It's like a really comfortable place you can drink

Starting point is 00:27:50 the water in shit. Is this where you were born and raised? Yeah. Okay what do you do for a living? I serve sushi out here. Out here? Yeah I moved to re I moved to Austin. I was like homeless for a couple weeks. Uh huh. Yeah so that was fun. So when did you move to Austin exactly? About a month ago. About a month ago. Like two weeks with 100 degree weather. And you were homeless for a couple of weeks.

Starting point is 00:28:12 Tell us about that. Before you moved here, you didn't look for a place or anything like that. Oh no, I did. And I thought I had a job too. But I got out here and didn't communicate. So what do you mean? I showed up to the pizza place that I was working at in Reno.

Starting point is 00:28:28 I was like corporate and showed up to the door. And they're like, we don't have a job for you. And yeah, I just got fucked over that way. So yeah, so bad planning is really what it was. OK. And how about the living situation? Why was that? Oh, yeah, just the same deal.

Starting point is 00:28:46 I didn't communicate with the guys. We ran into the place out while you weren't. So I got down here and that was the same deal. Yeah. When you say you didn't communicate with the people, like, just that mean that you confirmed at one point that you had a job in a place and then you just didn't follow up?

Starting point is 00:29:04 I think that's really what happened. Yeah, I just expected that they remembered me. Okay. Are you on drugs? Constantly, yeah. Marijuana. Just marijuana, yeah. Right, but lots of it.

Starting point is 00:29:17 Yeah. Enough to not communicate with both home and work. Yes. Yeah. Right. I was expecting to be homeless, I guess, to be honest. Yeah. So it sounds like you were going to be what? Serving pizzas, selling pizzas?

Starting point is 00:29:32 Serving pizzas. Serving pizzas, and now you're serving sushi. Yeah. How did that happen? That sounds like a lucky upgrade. Oh, sushi. A lot of indeed. I just used, I saw the sign in downtown.

Starting point is 00:29:43 Like they probably rule it getting people jobs out here. Okay. So what's your, what, Camp Patterson? What's going on here? It isn't like a born is false, that's not true. I know. I know. I'm telling you, I try with these people sometimes. You have no idea how hard this job is. 10 years and four months of doing it every single week,

Starting point is 00:30:11 and someone like this comes out in the end. Yeah, ring on the band, and that's what they say. I didn't communicate. I didn't communicate properly. David Jolly. You must have wrote that shit in the cop. What's up? That was just sent you wrote it in the cop? No, yeah, that was a lot of time. Well, you been doing that for a while?

Starting point is 00:30:30 Yeah, for a while, yeah. Well, you tested it at a crack house? Very popular at crack houses, yeah. Man, that was a bad decision, bro. You should have bought a better one. Right, real people show up to this. Yep. Yeah. Yes, they do. about about him. Right. Real people show up to this. Yep.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Yeah. Yes, they do. That's what you got to kind of plan for is real people. So tell us something interesting about you. We have you right now is one of the most boring people in the show's history. Probably one of the most interesting people in Reno, I bet. Here probably the fucking Dave Chappelle, Reno. No.

Starting point is 00:31:04 I was just the most handsome guy out there, but I... Why do you keep on saying that? Sorry. You're not... Do you know that you're not good looking? You're as good looking as you are funny. Oh, good. Which ain't any much. David Jolly. Hey, you the most handsome motherfucker with Down syndrome. I always see him.

Starting point is 00:31:23 And my goddamn life. I ain't gonna lie. You got that one, brother. It's true. You have like a sloth-like head shape. Uh. You have like, you have cauliflower here a little bit? You used to wrestle? Uh, jujitsu, yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:36 Ah, jujitsu. Yeah. Okay, I have a friend Hans Kim that would beat the shit out of you. Yeah. What kind of belt do you have? That's a purple one. Oh. Purple one. to beat the shit out of you. What kind of belt do you have? That's a purple one. Ah, purple one.

Starting point is 00:31:48 Like my panel's favorite drink. You better believe it. Absolutely. You're making my friends thirsty. Stop talking about purple. Tell us the most interesting thing about you, Eric, because right now we're struggling for fucking anything right now. It's a fun fact about your life, something that makes you different.

Starting point is 00:32:11 So, my ex, her and I broke up to do comedy in different cities. She moved to LA because she's a dumb bitch. And yeah, I moved out to Austin because like Texas I'm racist and gay, but I know sorry, but my my ex Here we go. I mean I gave you a wide open fucking now You could have just taken the ball and are in at any direction. You just called a girl a bitch And you called yourself gay for the fourth time in fucking five minutes. She she actually has your number. She knew from the comedy story. Yeah, okay. Yeah, so I guess you used to call her out by name And I didn't know you seem to remember people really well. I don't understand what you're talking about

Starting point is 00:33:01 What what do you mean? I just thought that was interesting that I was dating someone that was talking to you to the point where she, you know, like, what? You're number. All right, yeah, yeah. I'm sure she had my number. Are you positive of this? No, but I thought that'd be a fun.

Starting point is 00:33:17 That sounds, she had it. Or like everything else about you. Nothing. She had, like, she was pretty convinced that you gave her your real number. Like you'd leave the bathroom and, like, she's pretty convinced that you gave her your real number. Like, you'd leave the bathroom and be like, hey Fiona, and... Wait, what? What'd you just say? I'd leave the bathroom and go like...

Starting point is 00:33:33 You'd see her leaving like the bathroom and greet her, you actually knew her. She's funny. Wait, her? Wait, see her, I can't understand what you're physically saying. Oh shit. Take a breath. Okay. So I would see her leaving the bathroom of the comedy store.

Starting point is 00:33:49 You would be walking out of the bathroom. She'd be with a group of comedians and you would be like, a comedian. Yes. Okay. Right. Now this is starting to make sense. Right.

Starting point is 00:34:00 Okay. So she was a comedian in LA for how long? Seven years. Right. I was a comedian in LA for 15 years. Yeah. You see. So you say like, oh, I just thought you tend to remember people like I've noticed.

Starting point is 00:34:13 I don't know her name and it sounds like you guys broke up. I don't think you should be talking about this right now. Oh, I thought, I think everything you've done up here has been a massive failure. Am I friends with her? No, I thought it would be an interesting story, and I was wrong. You've been wrong about a lot here, Eric, D-Swam.

Starting point is 00:34:30 So I'm not friends with her, but she thinks she has my number. She, yeah, the whole idea was that she could text you or whatever, as she goes the same way. Why would she text? What was the idea of her texting me? I don't, you know, the more you ask, the less I know. You fucking sucked. Oh, man.

Starting point is 00:34:51 In like every way. What do you think's gonna happen here in Austin for you? Oh, shit, I just, yeah. Yeah. God, you're not a goddamn thing. Says Daniel Watson. And that's the third string drummer of Kill Tony. Tell me that.

Starting point is 00:35:08 I'm kidding. Whoa. No, Daniel, don't put the sticks down there. But you just got roasted by the fucking. By R fucking Zach Wilson. What's the name of the chest? Zach just got your drum pitch. Zach Wilson, it takes two quarterbacks of being insured for Daniel to even.

Starting point is 00:35:29 Alright. Okay. Okie dokie. So, Eric D. Swam. I mean, everything here was a failure. Your set, your interview. We tried to get anything out of you whatsoever. It seems like you have anger issues,

Starting point is 00:35:46 confidence issues, and a bad sense of humor. Oh, nice. You make bad decisions in every single way possible. You could have done almost anything tonight and been funnier. It's incredible how unfunny you were. I feel like if we tried to do this five to 10 more times, we couldn't even re-enact how unfunny you were tonight.

Starting point is 00:36:07 It's an absolute anomaly, and I do this every week, and you've amazed me here tonight. You will not walk with any size joke book. There he goes, Eric D. Swann. No joke, Laster. No joke book. If you don't have a decent minute minute and you contribute nothing to the interview, you leave with nothing and millions of people get to watch that happen. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Anything can happen. This looks like a good name.

Starting point is 00:36:42 I've been doing this a long time. I know when it's a good name. Might be funny, might be completely insane, but I know for a fact it's gonna be better than Eric D. Swam. Who's girlfriend? I probably fucked at some point. And now it's out on his head! Make some noise to your face. Probably bugger a lot better than he ever did, too. Make some noise to your next comedian, Mr. Mars Martian, everybody. Mr. Mars Martian. oh shit, here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mr. Mars Marshal, make some noise for him one more time, come on. Well, holy fucking cow-bunga nigga, we did it, here we are.

Starting point is 00:37:40 So my internal dialogue is fucked up and that's not fun, you know what I mean? I'll be standing in the mirror like snap out of it. You're fucking nitwit idiot bitch. You understand cut the dog shit clown. I got this Xbox live lobby in my frontal lobe and I can't stop the chatter I just casually roast myself into oblivion. Yeah, make myself feel bad. You know what I mean hurt my own feelings. Yeah. I talk shit to like cry. I talk shit in the mirror to like cry. You know what I mean? Heart my own feelings. Yeah. I talk shit to like cry. I talk shit in the mirror to like cry. You know what I mean? I'm a fucking bully.

Starting point is 00:38:10 I'm gonna turn the dialogue as fucked up, but I don't believe in therapy. Yeah, these soy boys out here getting pussy boy therapy. What the fuck I look like? Ain't no pussy boy. All soy. I say we got a bunch of fucking, yeah, I don't have never mind. It's all good. It turned we got a bunch of fucking, yeah, I don't know, never mind. It's all good. It turned my Audi into a fucking upper-enny doctor.

Starting point is 00:38:28 Like, what are we doing here? And I'm just gonna stand. I don't know, I like a lot of fun. Anyway, I don't have anything against any soy boy pussy boys. I just wanna put that out there. Yeah. That's enough. That is indeed enough.

Starting point is 00:38:44 Mr. Mars, Marsha. Holy shit. Where do I even begin with you? A thousand times better than the last comedian. And still, got awful at the same time. How long have you been doing stand-up, Mr. Mars Marsha? Oh, that really is your name. It's the Mr. Mars Martian.

Starting point is 00:39:06 About six months straight nonstop, yeah, having fun. Six months straight, nonstop, having fun. Yeah, I like it. Absolutely. Has anyone ever told you that you look like the bloated corpse of the current White House press secretary? That's the first.

Starting point is 00:39:27 But I do know I look like every lookalike, there's every lookalike, there's another fucker, so you look like it the weekend, never took a weekend off. Whoa, is that a Vince McMahon shirt you're wearing? I fucking love that. That's cool. From the U. D-Man, this is having nothing to do with this. He can't even see you and yet he's seen enough. Damn. Mr. Mars Martian, where do we begin with this guy David Jolly? I don't know what the fuck just happened. That nigga will ask you to something.

Starting point is 00:39:58 Camp Patterson. I know Mars about 4 months now and I don't know if he could say nigger yet. You understand? I don't know what he is, but I don't know if it's a nigga, you understand? And I want to talk real bad about him, I think he's gonna kill me in my sleep, so I'm just gonna stop talking. It's a new breed, it's the cowbunga nigga, it's the new style. That's not a real thing, nigga. Hey, don't it, you can't make a style of nigga bro.

Starting point is 00:40:25 Cowabunga Nigger they'll say cow bonka cow bonka What is it what are you a teenage mutant? Nigger turtle Gang Cam knows when I point that up. It could only mean one word and one word only. That's funny.

Starting point is 00:40:54 Teenage mutant and word turtle. That's what I see. It's not as funny. You do it again. OK, so let's talk about it. Six months in the game, nonstop, or four months. What did you say? Six months, nonstop or four months. What do you say six months? Six months. What do you do for work exactly? I used to automate data centers. What does that mean?

Starting point is 00:41:14 Until banks started collapsing. He's the automate data centers for a bank. He's a bit of software engineer. Okay, yeah, the blackest thing about you is that I didn't understand a word you just said. The blackest thing about you is that I didn't understand a word you just said. So what? Something, something data centers? Yeah, I used to do software automation. Okay, all right. That's like a nine to five type of job. Yeah, corporate gig, yeah. Okay. Do you use a pillow at night or do you just lay your head down on that hair? Because it seems like it would be really soft and nice.

Starting point is 00:41:43 It seems like it would be really soft and nice like it seems like it'd be pretty cool. I bet you do have a pillow. I'm gonna move on. What do you like to do for fun? Mr. Bar's Martian. Anything creative, make music, make jokes. What kind of music do you make? Oh, boy it's like jazz, kind of death metal slam type of shit. Yeah, death metal slam. Yeah. That is a wide range, my friend. He's a key maker shit up, though. We don't, we don't.

Starting point is 00:42:12 He just making shit up. Oh, boy. I do rap jazz, just smooth shit. Now, you don't talk about it. No, that shit, go. Yeah. David Jolly. I love to hear that shit.

Starting point is 00:42:24 Well, I got news for you. I love you, that shit. Well, I got news for you. I love it. Mr. Mars, what do you do? You sing, what do you do? You play an instrument? I got keys, I got drum pads, I got several guitars, different tunings and all that type of shit. You sing?

Starting point is 00:42:36 I'd rather not play the bingo before it's the singing dance, all the sudden type of deal. I can't sing, I made it an an dance thing. You made it an an dance thing. I just did all the sudden type of deal. Oh, you made it an and dance thing. You made it an and dance thing. I just did all the pingo. What do you think I got tap shoes in your size or something like that? Bring them out.

Starting point is 00:42:52 I got wrestling shoes on ya. Okay, so you'd rather not sing. You can't really, you named a bunch of instruments that aren't on the stage all at once. He didn't really say drums. He said drum pad. Drum pad, drum pad. Yeah, yeah, it's a little different.

Starting point is 00:43:08 Yeah, it's a little not drums. Okay. What are you best at? What's the thing that you're best at in this world? Mr. Mars Martial. Oh, she ain't. Nothing at all. Nothing at all.

Starting point is 00:43:22 Aw, quit. I'm just being myself. Who could be me better than me, that's it, now you. Okay, what's your love life like? Out of very fulfilling, seven year relationship that's over now? Yeah, yeah, yeah. When did that end?

Starting point is 00:43:35 A couple years ago, about two years ago, yeah. Two years. And you killed that bitch. Killed her and took her hair. You can't weave me. So I ended two years ago. Have you moved on? Oh, absolutely. Absolutely. Yeah. So what's your love life like now?

Starting point is 00:44:01 Right now, I'm just pursuing the art. So I'm trying to be fulfilled by being creative, being myself, just trying to get it much shit on their face. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:12 Look, I ain't getting no more yet, is that what you want? Yeah. Hey, that, that, that, that, me, he beat that, that, with two hands, what? I know that big guy that got their Burmark on it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He looks at the mirror and just squint his eyes. I know that big guy that got your Burm on it He looks at the mirror and just squint his eyes like oh look at that hot bitch

Starting point is 00:44:39 My goodness gracious like the last girl you are with what was that like? Talk about comics are really not talking about it. Yeah, we'll be gold bird comics. Yeah, you're talking about comics. I really not talk about that. It's a gold bird. Comics? Yeah, you can never mind. What? Yeah, I have no, I have no. You fuck the last guy's girlfriend too. I'm kidding. So it was a comedian.

Starting point is 00:44:59 Yeah, yeah, how'd that go? Describe it to us. I always just, you try to keep it a one night stand type of deal. We're all talking to emotionally on a stable. You can't, you know what I mean? It's not a pursuant thing. It's just a horny thing in the moment. That's all. So what happened? You did an open mic, and that's what happens.

Starting point is 00:45:13 You get off stage, then what happens? No one knows who it is. You can literally talk about this right now. It's you're in an interview on a live podcast. Yeah, yeah. It's a... I'm a more of a real life interaction type of person, so I prefer to stay out of the DMs and the swiping and all that stuff, so yeah, if it happens, it happens, if it doesn't happen, it doesn't happen, so yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:35 So what happened? You do an open mic, you get off stage, you go up to her, she comes up to you, what happens? Oh, I mean... Did anything really happen? You making this up? I'm trying to be discreet. I get it. He don't want to talk about it because he killed her.

Starting point is 00:45:59 Yeah, she did. She's dead. She's no longer alive. I don't know if you saw his Sepity as far from killing this fucking guy. I'm gonna keep you on the spot here. So you get, you're at an open mic, right? She's there, right? Or is it online? What happened?

Starting point is 00:46:20 So we get a lot of people, we get a lot of transients in in a town all the time, a lot of people from other states come here. Uh-huh. Yeah. Uh-huh. Over here, over here. Stop thinking out into absolute stranger's eyes and getting confused. No, no, no, no. It's always a fresh pool of comedians in and out of town. Okay, so then what happened?

Starting point is 00:46:39 You better start answering the fucking question. All right, so I mean, there were standing in a place that was only two blocks up. They lured me back to the den with mushrooms. We did mushrooms. We hung out, we hit a bunch of mics, but then they had the place to go back to. And so that's where we went, type of deal. David Jolly. Oh, that is dead. She dead.

Starting point is 00:47:01 Okay, alright guys. She killed that bitch. That whole dead. That whole dead. She killed that bitch. That whole damn, that whole damn. She didn't fuck that. He didn't rain the street. And there's a tool I'm telling you, man. Look at his eyes. That bitch is insane.

Starting point is 00:47:16 That bitch is insane. She had a place to go back to. What's your living situation? I live out, do I dox myself? I live out by Mansfield, damn. A, kind of for like 30 minutes from here. I didn't ask exactly where. I mean, like if you have roommates, do you live by yourself? No, I'm a homeowner in Austin Texas, yeah.

Starting point is 00:47:32 A homeowner. How were you able to do that? I used to be a software engineer for a Fortune 100. Okay, and you saved up your money. You bought real estate. You see, that's an interesting fun fact about you. That's actually fucking shocking. Ha ha ha!

Starting point is 00:47:47 You're a homeowner. I mean, incredible. What are we talking about? One bedroom, one bath? What are we got? I don't know. It's one of the Agerbottle Lake. It's kind of cool.

Starting point is 00:47:56 You don't know how many bedrooms. Oh, how many bedrooms? Yeah. Oh, I got two. Do you have two bedrooms? Ha ha! I got two bedrooms. Oh, it was Christ.

Starting point is 00:48:06 What are they serving up at this bar? They're keeping everybody out. Oh my God. Fucking wild. Okay, Mr. Mars Martian. Anything else? Any other special skills or talents? Or anything we should know about about you?

Starting point is 00:48:20 I've been an Oscar for like six years. I'm originally from Compton, California. Oh, okay. All right. Okay, there. I'm originally from Compton, California. Oh, okay. All right. Okay, there's a few fans of Compton here. The majority of them being at the table with me. What do you think about the fact that they just finally arrested two pox murder?

Starting point is 00:48:39 Woo! So he's the last one of four that were still, everybody else is dead except for him It's kind of one of those double jeopardy kind of deals I guess you can say yeah, yeah, yeah He killed two pocket two This is a matter of dog. I don't think I get it Mr. Mars Martian. I got good news for you You're walking out of here with a small kill Tony joke book. You got it? There you go. Boom. There you go. It's Mr. Mars Martian. This is a fun episode so far. You're

Starting point is 00:49:12 gonna need to find out the strength of the bucket here tonight. It is pretty wild. Pretty sure any of you could do better than the people that have been doing this for months. It's kind of wild. Pretty crazy. They overthink it. Ladies and gentlemen. Woo! OK, Jesus. All right, yes. De-madness is back, everybody. Big pops for the return of De-madness.

Starting point is 00:49:35 I pulled another name out of the bucket. We're going to keep it moving along. Make some noise for your next comedian straight out of the bucket. This is definitely a new name. Make some noise for Gexy or Jesse or Jezzy. J-E-G-S-I. Gexy.

Starting point is 00:49:50 Oh yeah, here we go. Make some noise for Gexy, everybody. Hey, I'm Gessie. Can I take my mic off? So this is my first time in Austin, actually. I came from the Seattle's. I flew in here to attend my cousin's wedding. And I think they're going to be really furious when they know that I'm here instead of writing my vows. And anyways, in unrelated news, I was trying out some yoga this morning, and it's not

Starting point is 00:50:31 that I'm bad at it, it's just that whenever I do it, I kind of feel like a poser. But it's all good, because I'm a pretty good guy and stuff, except for I used to be super addicted to showering, but I'm clean now. And I also, I also get like rapid stuff, so, hey Tony, hey Tony, I think that your jokes are cool and you're real and not a phony and if I was There you go The West Hollywood bear that's Jesse everybody Hell yeah, hi Jesse. Hey Tony. How are you the best set of the night out of the bucket pulls?

Starting point is 00:51:23 How are you the best set of the night out of the bucket pulls? Incredible butter incredible absolutely unbelievable performance Great Jesse how long you been doing stand-up? This is my second time ever really wow That is incredible I'm actually here with a with a bachelor crew and so we kind of all signed up. Really? It's like a bachelor party from Seattle. Your friend's really getting married?

Starting point is 00:51:53 He's really getting married, I hope. And so we're kind of letting it rip. But, uh, Jesus, finally, somebody with anything out here, I'm like, God. You see, everybody else just tries to be cool. They don't realize that to be cool, you have to be funny first and then cool second. Everybody's trying to fucking,

Starting point is 00:52:18 they're saying cool at all. It's funny though. And in my being funny, it's cool. So it is cool. You see what I'm saying? You look like you have cancer. I got to knock, I got to get that out of the way. I got to knock that out.

Starting point is 00:52:34 But you don't, right? I don't think so. Right. We're going to get you checked out. We're going to get you an IB trip from the great people over at Connect Mobile Health. Use the person to go to kill them. I'd be down to get checked out. I'm also single.

Starting point is 00:52:47 Wow, hell yeah. Absolutely. Do you have kids? I don't have kids. How'd you get those dad jokes though? Like, like, those jokes were really cheesy as hell. Like, did you ride them or did you read them off like Lafay Taffy or something like that?

Starting point is 00:53:04 I don't eat Lafay Taffy or something like that? I don't eat Lafay Taffies, but I didn't necessarily write them. I just thought of them And that's like I kind of how I did it Which one do you think which one was the one that offended you? I'm really, I'm really, I'm joking. Yeah, they did. They were just really cheesy. Which one was the cheesiest? All of them. All every single one of them.

Starting point is 00:53:30 The one about the coming in from Seattle to write the vowels, that was cheesy. No, no, no, the jokes. No, that one. The actual jokes, you know. Right, that's that got a big laugh. So the yoga won the poser? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:40 Okay, yeah, yeah. That sounds exactly like a dad joke. You know, like, hey, I did yoga, the posing or whatever. Mm-hmm. Writing, extraordinaire Brian Redban with his input on the writing of jokes, everybody. So, perhaps we can get you to put on. You don't agree with that?

Starting point is 00:53:59 Oh, okay, okay, what? You don't agree with that? Not really, no, no. Those were hard-hitting jokes? No, no, no, I just think he's obviously a one-liner comedian and those are different. You can almost say that about any one-liner comedian. You could say Mitch Hedberg did kind of did dad jokes,

Starting point is 00:54:13 but I'm sure. Sure, sure, but they're, yeah. But again, you know what, Red Bear, we're just gonna keep moving on with the show. Critiquing the material is really your best, best feature of the show. All right, I'm wrong, you know. There's like a rooster sound of something.

Starting point is 00:54:29 There you go, very good, thank you. Back to the comedy part of the comedy show. Jesse, tell us more about you in your life. How about a hand for the amazing staff here at The Mother's Ship? So cool, best staff on Planet Earth, great carry, Mitchell, picked all these amazing people. We have the best fucking crew here. Shout out to Tracy and Chica and the service wall.

Starting point is 00:54:56 Everybody's just amazing here. Tell us more about your actual life. You weird motherfucker. Well, my actual life is just like this, but a little different. I usually like, will be climbing trees or like making wedding wraps or like wraps about a wedding. Yeah, like at weddings. You have really good timing in stage presence. Where do you think you get that from? How do you have such an interestingly present sense of humor?

Starting point is 00:55:30 Uh, timing, timing, timing. Well, one time my friend told me that when I swing my golf club, that I have pretty good tempo. Yes, and so... That's a big deal in golf. I think my golfing translates to here. Absolutely. It absolutely does. I think my golfing translates to here. Absolutely. It absolutely does.

Starting point is 00:55:46 I agree with that. So a wedding wrap. Can you give us an example of what a wedding wrap sounds like if my good friend gave you a beat, the great Daniel Watson? Here we go. Make sure you really enunciate into that microphone, OK? So we can hear you.

Starting point is 00:56:00 Right, right. Because once the band starts playing, it gets a little loud. So go ahead. We want to hear you wrap. Here we go. Because once the band starts playing it gets a little loud. So go ahead, we want to hear you rap. Here we go. We had to come to the wedding. I hope everyone's ready.

Starting point is 00:56:10 Hope you brought your confetti. Because the party's going on and I'm making up this song because we're getting married and also taking rips from Bongs. It's a fun wedding, right? Because it's a fun wedding where crazy silly stuff happens, like a guy who they think has cancer is rapid. Oh, yeah. Hey, talk to him, just it, talk to him. I want to send one to the cool bros and the cool girls and the ones who like cool flows

Starting point is 00:56:52 because every time that the cool is in the room, cool nose, and I think you see that with your cool hose. You got it? Did you get it? Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. The crowd goes wild. The crowd goes wild. Stroke lights have been active, baby.

Starting point is 00:57:12 Unbelievable, Jesse. I mean, can you believe this fucking guy? We got a white rapper. Hey, he good, he good too, but this is the first time in show history y'all had three serious killers in a white rapper. Hey, he good, he good too, but this is the first time in show history I oughta have three serious killers in the fucking rope.

Starting point is 00:57:29 That's magical. That'd be a rhodo, Jesse, him. Yeah, that'd be a rope. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You like you would touch that to chow, you know, man? No cereal box was safe. More dad jokes. Yeah. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:57:49 The mentioning of cereal killers on the show has been prolific this episode. If you were going to murder somebody, how would you do it? I made a video about this already. Okay, so I think what I would probably do is leave them in a room with a mouse and then and then that way they have to fight to see who survives. And whoever I'm killing, I think wouldn't be the type of person that would want to kill a mouse. And so it would just go the other way.

Starting point is 00:58:30 LAUGHTER Fuck yeah. Jesse, I absolutely love your style. I cannot bring myself to believe that this is only your second time on stage. You're being serious? I'm being serious. I tried it once and I thought maybe I could do this again, you know? And then next thing you know I made it to the big deals, big stages? Yeah, you did. And you did very good at the big deals. You're leaving with a big pill Tony jokebook. You're leaving with a gel blaster. Give him the biggest

Starting point is 00:59:10 gel blaster we got back there. Fucking. Holy shit. What is this? It's a jokebook. You can write in it. You can write, well we're apps. You can write whatever you want in it. You can write, but we're apps. You can write whatever you want. And you can write your manifesto in there. Anything you want. Absolutely. I really like that. Maybe that'll help with my jokes to be less corny. Don't take red bands. Not exactly fucking Mark Twain over here. We're dealing But anyways, you know, maybe maybe being corny is a part of my thing

Starting point is 00:59:56 So either way I just went with it and I loved your guys his vibes Yep your guys is vibes. Yep, yep. The sounds that you made, like really conjured up some feelings of me that just really make me want to get after life and I hope that other people feel that too. You know, I fucking like this guy. You know what? I think we found the new host of Blues Blues everybody. I'm going to talk to the people over at Nickelodeon. We're going to get Jesse a job at Blues Clues. How about one more time for the great Jesse, everybody? A man who will not take leave for an answer.

Starting point is 01:00:38 I don't believe he's ever going to go. There he goes, everybody. Jesse. I believe he's waiting to get teleported to some other place. Are we having fun out there, huh? Well, I got news for you. The guy, the regular that usually goes up in the middle of the show is sitting right here, having a blast with me. So in his place we do have a returning golden ticket winner. This guy won his golden ticket a long time ago in the middle of North Carolina on the road, at least half a decade ago. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 01:01:25 Maybe DCA also is from North Carolina or something like that. It doesn't matter who gives a fuck. The point is, he's very, very funny. He's here with another new minute. Make some noise for the return of the great Martin Phillips, everybody. Here we go. Martin Phillips. Legend of the game here in Gold Tony.

Starting point is 01:01:44 We're out to you by Zimics. Martin Phillips, legend of the game here in Gold Tony. Brought to you by Zimbex, Zip Moore, Smoke Bless. One more time for the great Martin Phillips, everybody. Woo! That sounds good, cool, okay. I read, if you had a sad extreme about somebody you know, it means you trust that person So I learned that I trust too many people

Starting point is 01:02:24 I really big hands try to use my hands as adult there are piano hands, I don't know how to play the piano, however, my hand, I'm sorry, you think of it, so I, it's as elegant as the piano, and I only play at 4-day, you know, uh, you should see my double or gentle. or gentle. And you'll, yeah, I live there in Texas. It's hot as fuck. But people say it's a dry key. You know, but you know what, you know what, I'll start using it in the humanly. The fucking sun.

Starting point is 01:02:59 It's not that, or it's not that. Cool. Fuck yeah. Mark and Phil was. Oh, that's it, that's it, that's it, that's it. Cool. Fuck yeah, Martin Phillips. That is how you do it. Boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. That is the difference between a golden ticket winner and a bucket pull.

Starting point is 01:03:19 That was fantastic. Indeed, I must agree with my panel. We are on a run. I do believe this is four serial killers in a row. I'm sorry to say that. This is my crap. Yeah. I people here today. Yeah. Absolutely. I feel like you would leave the most evidence out of the hall in the room, so this area, there's some sideways footprints leading back to... Everybody try to kill, get away, they're good. Yeah, I'll make a whole safe look at that. Martin Phillips thriving here in Austin, Texas. Did you?

Starting point is 01:04:10 Oh, you don't want some black in my eye? I did it before the show, guys. Oh, I love it. Absolutely. He's got me alive. It's cool. Martin, so you moved here to Austin, right? Yeah, I live South Austin. I represent.

Starting point is 01:04:27 Absolutely. Absolutely, David Jolly. Hey, when you were swangin' your damn arms, I thought you were gonna hit me with one of the motherfuckers. It's a battle, aren't it? That's a hard one. Yeah, I was, watch yourself. That might hit the pocket. I ain't got to be serious, my fucking...

Starting point is 01:04:50 He was just swinging on business. He was going crazy with that little bitch. You didn't even... It's the best I ever. If I were to put David Jolly and Martin Phillips next to each other and ask you guys which one went to college for computer science I do believe

Starting point is 01:05:08 Zero people would get it correct This is an unbelievable anomaly Martin Phillips so Remind us all what how do you make a living exactly? Oh lips. So remind us all what how do you make a living exactly? Oh, I'm a self-situ teacher. Oh wow. Okay. You put down here. Yeah. I've been a career long. It's up to two teachers. So I love it. Yeah. So I love it. So you strategically are only a substitute teacher. So you only teach when another

Starting point is 01:05:43 teacher can't make it. Yeah, well like, it's a... Do you push the cart with the TV in yourself or do you use that as like a walker? Well, right. Everyone says that, but it's not 1995, okay? Right. They have projectors, okay? Oh, okay. Yeah, they upgrade it.

Starting point is 01:06:04 No schools. Yeah, okay. Oh, yeah, they upgrade it. And they eat those schools. I guess the penton butt district here. Right. Exactly. Exactly. Indeed, the Philadelphia school district does not have any projectors or televisions left right now. They have been eluted, everybody.

Starting point is 01:06:21 They're looking for certain types of people to get them back. We don't live in Philly, nigga. That's why you got away with it. But I danced and took that shit. About to send you in a 72-tz on that one, I was a high school boy, I had a field day with the way. I had a full sligger retarded area. We've had a good day, bitch!

Starting point is 01:06:45 We can do, hey, Edmock, you can do what you want! Do you have that issue? Do you have that problem? There are certain schools I don't go to. Oh Fuck yes Fuck yes Martin Phillips Wow I Love it David Jolly how many fights you to broke up? Oh

Starting point is 01:07:23 Love it David Jolly. How many fights you didn't broke up? Oh Undying there is a fight in the police bathroom and There is a teacher of cana and so we need a male Oh in there to break up the fight and I was the only male So I'm a complete pussy I thought I was going to be like, so I'm like complete pussy. So I'm not, I don't fight, I don't break up. I thought if I broke it up, there's start kicking my ass.

Starting point is 01:07:52 I'm like, damn it. I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like,

Starting point is 01:08:03 I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going to be like, I'm going through it. Yeah, you are right with me, Martin. Oh, God, you are a funny motherfucker Martin Phillips. This is great. This is great. So when the kids misbehave, is there something do you have something loaded up that you say or do to try to regain control? This is why I know.

Starting point is 01:08:18 Usually, you know who's going to be a bad class in the office who's like, here's our number. Call us. The anything happens. And sometimes I's like, here's our number. Call us. The elite that happens. And sometimes I'm like, okay, I'll recall the number. But I don't want to call the number. And they call my fucking blood, but they don't think I'll fuck you, I don't call. Then I call, you know, fucking answer. Fuck! Sam! Sam! I didn't ask. Sometimes I'll do a t-shirt, do a pick-up, and then you can go holding y'all at the class. And I'm just like, a bitch in the corner, and you're like,

Starting point is 01:08:55 Thank you, Sam. I'm just like, thank you, we're with this, don't we? So, I fucking love it. Hey, what's the worst thing somebody ever told you in class Actually, it's been going pretty nice to me. I don't let these take behind my back But do I do my face is all been pretty good I was about to I didn't know this but they they it was a special at class and

Starting point is 01:09:24 but they, it was a special ed class. And then, is it every class? Yeah, I was like, I'm not a student, okay? No. And then, they were saying, I'm a teacher. But what they actually didn't tell me was, and they're like, they said, if you're getting it out of half, you know, get it at a point across,

Starting point is 01:09:50 right on the board, I didn't think about it. I get there, it was a deaf class. I had no idea, I had no idea. I was just talking my head off. And it was staring at me. I was like, okay. That the interpreter showed up. I was like, okay. That the interpreter showed up, I was like, oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:10:10 I was like, I was like, wait for the bell, guys. I was like, oh, you probably never heard that bell. Martin, you're a fucking stone cold assassin. You might be a substitute teacher, but you are a first string fucking comedian, my friend. I'm so glad that you moved to Austin, Texas, took a fucking chance, gambled on yourself. I think you're exactly right where you belong, and we love you here, of course, you're a legend in Killtony folk lore and Continue to be so thank you for being you. Thanks some noise for the great Martin Phillips everybody

Starting point is 01:10:55 There he goes We found him out of the bucket on the road You believe it the bucket pulls we get here in Austin, the comedy capital of the world. And meanwhile, we found people like that five years ago in the middle of nowhere. Another bucket pull here for Austin, so we're going to meet another one right now. We are on a run of serial killers like never before. Let's see what happens. Mixed with noise for Carlos Cisneros, everybody.

Starting point is 01:11:26 Carlos Cisneros. What's up, boss? Atexat! Yo, so I got this friend that spends way too much time on the internet. And he swears that we all got AIDS from the COVID-19 vaccine. But jokes on him, because I already got that shit back in 2007, bro. The old fashioned way. Rodog and Horde.

Starting point is 01:11:56 After morgue. I like how that dude just fucking cringed a little bit. If it makes you feel any better, the horrors were not dead. Some of them may have been underage though. It only gets worse. It only gets worse. But relax, I don't know if you guys are fact checkers. You can't get AIDS from kids guys. You don't know if that's something you've tried that in a small town. You thought you were all cool and shit. At least I did. I'm in a small town You thought you were all cool and shit at least I did I'm from a small town Something you don't want to try in a small town dating apps all of them, bro Everybody's on there everybody you know my mom my sister

Starting point is 01:12:37 It's my time. My name is Carlos. Thank you very much. Oh my goodness Carlos. Cicenas Oh my goodness, you're not fooling me, dude. You're not fooling me. You were up earlier. You touched your afro and under your bandana. Oh my goodness. This is real me. Oh my goodness. This nigga bought his fuck.

Starting point is 01:13:06 This is incredible. So Carlos, let's talk about it. Do you really have AIDS? I don't really have AIDS. Okay. All right. Cool. I wrote a lot of jokes during the pandemic and that was the first one that I felt was actually any good and I ran with it.

Starting point is 01:13:22 Okay. All right, Cam. I don't know if you heard what D Demand is going, please stop, Nick. I am pleased. Sometimes Demand is just can't contain himself. He hates bad comedy more than anybody. Plugs his ears, makes a bunch of noises, fucking. He, yeah, you're doing good. You're doing good. Deat you're lucky. You're blind. You don't want to see what's going on here right now David jolly I Can't believe you came out here on national television and did that bullshit Hey TV's dead man. Hey you ain't got no fucking friends. You should get rid of all the motherfuckers

Starting point is 01:14:01 That shit was terrible I don't love fuckers. That shit was terrible. Ooh, you were real bad. Carlos, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? I did a few months before the pandemic, and then a few months after. No, like four months.

Starting point is 01:14:14 Few months before a few months after. OK. And what do you do for a living? I am a respiratory therapist. Respiratory therapist. So what exactly does the... Oh, you do. Breathing machines at a hospital?

Starting point is 01:14:28 Okay. That's your specialty. That's my specialty. How long you been doing that for? Uh, 16 years. Right. So respiratory. And I get the feeling that's not the only sucking and blowing that you do, huh? Are you gay, Carlos?

Starting point is 01:14:42 I am not. Really? Oh my god, you just move around and talk like that. I'm wearing the club of the Tony Kill Tony, you know? The what? The Kill Tony Club. No, you're not. All right, my bad.

Starting point is 01:14:53 What is that? He gave me that stare down too, like, nah. Okay, so you have a cowboy hat there with a bunch of signatures on it. What is that? It is a, I've been traveling in Austin for quite a some time even before the whole Rogan click-mo over here And I'm a musician so I've been In signatures from the crowd and whoever all right. What kind of music do you do? I mean death metal jazz

Starting point is 01:15:21 I would say like a Jamie Hendrix chili pepper. You play guitar? I play guitar. You sing? I sing. You sing and you play guitar? I do, sir. And you don't have AIDS? And I'm not gay.

Starting point is 01:15:32 You sure you don't have AIDS? You're positive? I'm sure. Are you better at music than you are at comedy? I probably am. You probably... Most definitely am. Okay.

Starting point is 01:15:43 How long have you been playing music for? Since 1999. 1999. Matt Mewling, what do you think? You want to hear what this guy can do? What's that actually? He's like that. Oh, it's that.

Starting point is 01:15:56 Matt Mewling's willing to fucking let it happen. Let's see what happens here. Oh, oh. Carlos. there. Carlos. Oh yeah, we got a little bit of a heat. What's going on? We got a lot of a lot going on, huh? We got a lot of cords, it's a tight stage. Stage was originally supposed to be custom built around this production, but no one communicated with us when building it. So that was kind of a thing.

Starting point is 01:16:37 It was a decision by a little bit of upper management. Budget cuts. Yes, not. Communicate with us. Literally an unlimited budget, but they built it very small. Are you going to be able to do that? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I used to spend my nights out in the bar room Look at why I see only love, I know But you rescued me from reaching for the bottom And brought me back from being too far gone

Starting point is 01:18:17 You're smooth as gently whisking As Tennessee whiskey, you're asleep, you're asleep, you're Brandy! Oh, yeah! I stay still on your love all the time. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Welcome to the club, baby. You son of a bitch. Carlos. This is one of these guys that came up here and bombed just to show us how good he is at

Starting point is 01:19:14 music. You try to pull the old trick on me, huh? I apologize, sir. It's funny. Your list still happens when you're singing. That's because I'm a little faded right, Alcer. What do you fade it on? Shriner Bach.

Starting point is 01:19:29 Have you been thippin' on some thusser? It's funny. Like I started cracking up. You sound great, but there's a blatant list. Like a... You're a thwee. Like a U S Wii of Tennessee whiskey. It's strawberry wine. There's so many S's in the song that you chose.

Starting point is 01:19:56 It's incredible. There's only two chords. I thought I could remember at the moment. My goodness. Somebody get this guy a fathbury love, will ya? My goodness. Somebody get this guy, a thothburilla, will ya? Fuckin' it, suck it. My goodness, I love it. David Jolly.

Starting point is 01:20:10 Suffering to suck it, that was good. It was so good. I love it. Well, do you have like music gigs coming up or something like that? I'm trying to get it all started up right now. I think you would kill on Fixed Street. Some of these bars that people not as good as you in the daytime late at night, we could use someone like you.

Starting point is 01:20:35 You like playing music? I love it. You live for it. Hey, tell him to come to the gallery. Oh, you just got invited to a gig. Matt Mewling invited you to the gallery on Thursday. Yeah, first day. Game by the way.

Starting point is 01:20:51 The homies. At the gallery at Continental. Yep. Every Thursday at what time? 10.30. 10.30. Every Thursday with the homies. Look at that 10.30 PM.

Starting point is 01:21:03 Oh, hang out. Thursday, you can come up and have a jam with them. How does that sound? That sounds awesome. You know this with the gallery that they're talking about the second floor of the world famous continental club is literally one of the best music venues in the city. Does this excite you at all that they just it does but I'm I'm only here to to Wednesday. Oh well then that the breaking news God hates you

Starting point is 01:21:27 This just in we're getting it's getting word from You know what when's wait is that Wednesday Wednesday night? Are you here Wednesday night? I'm We got breaking news again This just in hold on on one second. We're getting it. This just in. God hates you. Okay, what are you doing tonight? Getting drunk. But do you? Let me ask you this. Do you think that you're drinking ever hinders, no performance as a musician. It does not. Well, I heard a little bit of murmurs. You want him to come to one song with you guys tonight?

Starting point is 01:22:10 You get to go to the Continental Gallery tonight and do a song. Oh, no. That one of the best music venues. I'm honestly shocked. All right. I'm honored. I'm honestly shocked. But these guys are really smart at marketing.

Starting point is 01:22:22 They just got all their week of tour dates out there. Really good. They worked their way backwards. Ask them to be available December 21st at San Antonio one night only. San Antonio! Is it really that bad. Congratulations Carlos, terrible comedy, great music. Congratulations, there he goes. Carlos Sisoneros. And we keep moving on. Tennessee with me.

Starting point is 01:22:57 All right, pulled another name out of the bungalow. Let's see what happens next. 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Nicholas Cantu. Nicholas Cantu. And two. Here we go. Here's. Nicholas Cantu, everybody.

Starting point is 01:23:16 I look like this because I shook hands with a Mediterranean man, a eye hop in the spirit of Guinea-Dago, flowed from his body to mine. So that explains the drip. But I think that I hop was a portal to hell, man, because I was sitting outside having a cigarette. This guy comes up. He's like, what's up, man?

Starting point is 01:23:33 My name is, and I'm like, oh, I'm Nicholas. And I must have had some silly fucking pancakes that night, because I introduced myself as a young billionaire Latinx trap star. And he goes, oh, word, I am a gang lieutenant for the Pyroos. That was a gang I thought only existed in chief keyflirics. So this guy goes on, he's like, guess what I have in my pocket right now, man?

Starting point is 01:23:51 I'm already shaking hands with Jesus and Muhammad. I'm checked out, and he pulls out a fucking M87 frag grenade. It's the fucking waffle on the trap, no, some peppers dudes like eggs. I thought I was cooked, and this fucking guy, man, he's like, yeah, dude, I was in a chase, threw it in the guy's car, drove off, boom, didn't look back. I met my fucking GTA online character that night,

Starting point is 01:24:14 and fucking, he had some bomb waffles inside, and a waffle bomb outside. I was it is. It doesn't sound bad at all. It sounds like... It's not says or jab is. Okay. For real.

Starting point is 01:24:34 Okay, real wax. I almost had my life threatened by Pyroid. Oh, you just hit yourself in the face of the microphone. Better that than the grenade, man. Okay, Nicholas, alright. OK, Nicholas, all right. OK, let's just jump right into it. Have you been on this show before? No, this is my first time.

Starting point is 01:24:50 How you doing, guys? How's it going? They don't like you. I got it. They don't like you. They think I'm lying. My dad was a liar. He's still $10,000 from me.

Starting point is 01:24:58 Relax. We're going to get to the interview part here in a second. I'm going to let my panel digest what they just saw. Let's go, Cam. I thought Susan Lesby laid it all down. Oh, yeah. Yeah. This is it.

Starting point is 01:25:12 That's all. That's all. I can't believe y'all guys, this many serial killers on this motherfucker in a fucking row. Y'all have another one? You a damn serial killer, motherfucker. You kill people, I know the truth. Yeah, for sure. A lot better. I don't know you kill people. I know the two. Yeah, first of all.

Starting point is 01:25:26 Glad I don't know about this one. I don't know. Nicholas, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? I tried for three years from 12 to 15, and then this is my first time in five. This is your first time in five years, trying it? Yeah. Yeah, all right.

Starting point is 01:25:44 It seems like it. You seem kind of out of touch with the audience. How old are you? 21. 21 years old. OK. OK. Barely old enough to smoke a black and mild.

Starting point is 01:25:57 21 years old. 21 years old. You still live with your parents? No, I moved out like a month ago. You moved out from your parents place a month ago. And where's that at? Is that in Austin? San Antonio. San Antonio. San Antonio Texas. Yeah, Matt. Matt trying to brost you over here. Matt Mjoling talks one every four episodes. I got a good one. He's got your soniculus. 21 years old, a month out of living with your parents. You live in Austin now?

Starting point is 01:26:28 No, San Antonio. So you still live in San Antonio, but no longer with your parents. What's your living situations? There are tree house in the backyard or something like that. I got a tree house. I got a Thomas the Tank Engine table. It's all fucking lit.

Starting point is 01:26:39 No, it's in apartment, two bedroom. Two bedroom, by yourself? Yeah. How do you pay for that? I'm an actor. Okay, what have. Too bad, Droom. By yourself? Yeah. How do you pay for that? I'm an actor. Okay, what have you been in that we would recognize you from? You watch that Seth Rogan Ninja Turtles movie?

Starting point is 01:26:51 Oh, God. No. Yes. Do you really? I know you did, Kamala. I was Leonardo. I was the blue guy. Oh, fuck!

Starting point is 01:27:00 Yeah, bro! Oh, damn, yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah. Well, you got to see a back who's up. Yeah, bro. Yeah, Seth Rogan, IZCube, Maya Rudolph, all those fucking guys. back Yeah, bro. Yeah, Seth Rogan ice cube my Rudolph all those fucking guys. Oh for real. Yeah, yeah, we're getting a sequel You got money Huh, dude, they were saying dude. They were saying in the movie dude. It's just my voice like what do you want me to say? What do you want me to do is no you want me is no this is true I am doing me right now. Yeah right at the right at the top of the cast. I did not know is this serious

Starting point is 01:27:29 Oh, that's crazy bro. Hell yeah. Thank you man. I'm a horrible comedian, but you're actually thank you Thank you. I try I got to find one thing and sit to it So I really told that movie never hell yeah, I appreciate it man Look at you the walking dead you were in the unicorn, the good place, skull island. Wow, you have an unbelievable resume. I started when I was seven. We haven't seen this in a while.

Starting point is 01:27:54 Remember in L.A., we used to have unfunny actors on all the time. It's been forever since we've had it. They got the right to show it. Absolutely untalented actor. This is what actors are like everybody. They're eccentric. They are completely out of touch. But casting directors find them charming.

Starting point is 01:28:13 If you're in a room alone with them during the day and you're like uncaffeinated and bored, someone like this comes in and you're like, well, they've got it. They get like big things from just sitting around. But the people, the people, the people making those decisions are boring and untalented themselves So machine this is what it's like when they're in front of real people

Starting point is 01:28:31 This is how completely uncomfortable and weird it is home school to it's bad for me, bro And I think I'm autistic It's all child actors were home school autistic home school actor. You're not really autistic. I think so what's the test now? You can't just just because you're homeschooled and weren't Socializing around people that doesn't automatically make you autistic. You know what stimming is Tony? What stimming? You know that is I'm not exactly sure how I would spell what you're saying, but do you want the spelling bee? STIMM I N G It's kind of like ticks with people with turrets. They just kind of like spurg out for his life

Starting point is 01:29:02 Yeah, I don't know if you saw we had Martin Phillips up here I'll let you watch for a while. I'm pretty sure he's stimming all around the building right now. That's stimming, my friend. Yeah, yeah. Whatever you have is... I don't know what he's moving on, but I play air drums as my stem. Okay.

Starting point is 01:29:16 And I play real drums also. You play real drums? Yeah, all right. Did you all just let the last guy play guitar? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's so crazy. How long have you played drums for? Had a stint when I was six, what did you say?

Starting point is 01:29:28 When you were six. When I was six, I played like one lesson, and they tried to teach me Billie Jean, and I couldn't get the timing down, and I quit. And then I started back up again at 15. At 15, and you've been playing since you were 15? Yeah, pretty much consistently. Okay.

Starting point is 01:29:43 Punk blast beat. I don't know if you know this. Are you a fan of the show? Do you know where you're at right now? Because then the show, if someone says they can play drums, we have a historical event called a Mexican drama. Unfortunately, Michael Gonzalez isn't here tonight. But you could be Mexican.

Starting point is 01:30:00 You could be. Okay, John D's actually has a great idea because it isn't a true Mexican drama off because it turns out tonight we have a... Oh, Niggle playing the drums. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, each mutant, negative. Winning the drum competition. But John Dees came up with an even better idea. Well, we got, and normally it would be drum solo versus drum solo to become the new drummer of the show. I can get hired. Like I mentioned earlier, Daniel Watson

Starting point is 01:31:02 isn't the full-time drummer of the show. So we cannot give away Michael Gonzalez' job. But you should have the brilliant band leader that he is here with us since our first episodes in Austin, Texas. He has actually decided the entire band, and we've gone through a process together of creating the beautiful, beautiful symphony that happens here came up with the great idea, which is instead of you competing in a drum solo battle with the great Daniel Watson instead since it was such a challenge to you as a kid, we want to see if you can

Starting point is 01:31:37 now do the Billy Jean. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh yeah. Oh for sure. Daniel, be don't mind. Little bit. No, no, don't beat him too. We know you can do it asshole. For sure. Daniel, be it open. No, no, no, don't beat him, too. We know you can do it, asshole.

Starting point is 01:31:48 It's fucking, these Austin musicians are just show-offs. We know you can do it, professional musician. We want to see if this fucking little stranger things tweaker can do it. I'm taking part in the upside down. What? I'm geeking in the upside down. That? I'm geeking in the upside down. That's the alternate universe shit they got going on. Wow, casting directors love this shit.

Starting point is 01:32:11 Okay, let's let them step in. Make some noise for Daniel Watson. Daniel Watson. Daniel Watson. Literally has drumsticks tattooed on his arm. I mean it is unbelievable. Okay, here we go. Trying the Billie Jean, you guys, how does that start? Does it start with drums? Or does it start with, starts with you guys? Starts with drums. You ready for this? The tempo's gotta be right. D's literally just said the tempo has got to be right.

Starting point is 01:32:43 Ladies and gentlemen. How old were you when you couldn't do it? Six years old, that microphone's not on. Six years old, we got Red Band hitting black and mild so right here. Alright, okay ladies and gentlemen, this is it. Billy Jean, he couldn't do it when he was six. He's 21 years old 15 years almost to the day in which he couldn't play Billy Jean and here we are live on the number one live Podcasts in the world all the pressure in the world was the last time you attempted this when you were six

Starting point is 01:33:21 Yes, indeed was the answer that he said on the un Unavailable microphone. He still is hoping and praying that it's on. That talks to the band. Test, test, one, two. Ladies and gentlemen, here it is. Billy Jean with Nicholas Cantu. One, two, a one, two, three, four. It seems a little slow. David Jolly on the vocals B in a G is not my love Oh he stopped playing

Starting point is 01:34:10 Whoa oh shit My god Okay drums brought to you by Adderall I think he failed at that though That was a little bit slow, am I right? It was a little tempo. It wasn't. The tempo was good.

Starting point is 01:34:28 It was no! It was draggy. It was a little slow. The tempo was good. I'm talking to Daniel Watson. It was terrible. Okay, Daniel, jump in there. Show us how it's done.

Starting point is 01:34:37 Just give us... Let's do Billie Jean, and I want David Jolly to sing it. Nicholas, come back up front here. Come back up front. you weird little shit. Look at this guy. 74, have a seat, Nicholas. Have a seat next to Cam. Yeah, you guys are old classmates together.

Starting point is 01:34:54 Have a seat. Cam used to cheat off your test. Look at this, absolutely adorable. 74 pounds, Nicholas can't, too. Definitely born prematurely. This is Billie Jean in the right tempo, in the right timing, Daniel Watson back on drums, a one, a two, a one, two, three, four. I Billy Jean is not my lover she's just another I am the one

Starting point is 01:35:35 Billy Jean is not my lover she doesn't know Oh, y'all don't know what even Oh My god, this show is out of control. Kill them, man. Kill them. Yeah. It was short, but it was sweet. David was about to pull your hair out to get you out of the seat. Hey, is wow.

Starting point is 01:36:15 David, that was horrible. Hey. Why did you nominate yourself to do that? Hey, you don't even know the words to that. At all. Started way early. It sounded like a good idea at first. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:36:28 I should have Googled them bitches right quick. Good. Could have pulled up a little bit. You ever sing like that again? I'm calling your probation officer. I swear to God. That would definitely give me violated. Speaking of getting violated, let's talk to Malastation.

Starting point is 01:36:43 Victim Nicholas can't too again. I Melissa Station, victim Nicholas Cantu again. I missed Weinstein, bro. I'm so mad. Nicholas, are you working on anything else? What else do you have coming? I mean, you literally haven't a crazy resume. You've been a child actor since what age? So, seven. Seven years older. Your parents like tough on you? I grew up with a single mom, San Antonio. My dad again, he stole $10,000 from me.

Starting point is 01:37:04 Right. He also hit me for the first time this summer. I grew up with a single mom, San Antonio. My dad again, he stole $10,000 from me. He also hit me for the first time this summer. So it spurred me to get this tattoo, and then I got another one up here. Okay. So yeah, real child actor shit going on in my life. I'm playing about the book. I'm playing about the book.

Starting point is 01:37:14 Because now we're getting into interesting territory. Single mom. This is what I should have talked about. Okay, yes, absolutely. This is what you should talk about. The things that make you different and interesting and specifically you is exactly what stand-up comedy is all about.

Starting point is 01:37:27 So a single mom, do you have brothers or sisters? Two brothers on the middle-cut. Okay. Are they actors as well? Your mom and dad. No, no, they don't fuck with that shit. But acting is something that you wanted to do. Yeah, man, I watched Diary of a Winpy Kid movie

Starting point is 01:37:38 when I was like maybe six. And that was the diary of a Winpy Kid movie based on those books. Okay. They had a little book that detailed how they made the movie and I read that shit and I was like, that looks like something fun. See, this all makes you so much more likable and daring

Starting point is 01:37:52 now that you're talking about your real self. So single mom, okay, next big question coming out, you got hit by your dad first time this year. Why did that happen? So he wanted $3,000 to fix the sprinklers in the front of the house i'm mexican so that one that we can let them slide your mexican to you and paul deamer secret mexicans were finding out that this is how they can think that they're getting over the border nowadays

Starting point is 01:38:18 cement white okay we don't even have to climb or do it is mexican to one to fix the sprinklers in your Yeah, yeah, I know he couldn't do them himself So he he wanted $3,000 but I own the house and he needs to let me or my mom who's a property manager know That he's gonna do the repair, but I caught him by chance because I facetime him and he was like oh yeah The sprinklers are broken by the way. I was like were you gonna tell me he was like yeah, so I was like, oh yeah, the sprinklers are broken by the way. I was like, were you gonna tell me? He was like, yeah.

Starting point is 01:38:44 So I sat down with him. I just talked to my therapist. He said, set the boundary, don't fucking, I don't know. Follow up quick question. How long have you had the therapist for? About a year. About a year, okay, good. So she said not to fucking like,

Starting point is 01:38:56 fault her on my boundary. Right, take a stay. And so I stood up to my dad and it was scary because he had stolen 3000 from me forging a check and then the 10,000 through my credit card. And then it was like, I was just so fucked up over that and then I finally had the strength to confront him and he was acting like a middle schooler.

Starting point is 01:39:13 Like, if you think I'm 70 pounds, like really fucking little guy, he's five six, he dresses like a tech developer and he's just not, like he said that he would get into fights as a kid. He started with shoving and I like barely moved and then he put his hands on my neck and it was like maybe I had a weighted blanket on, you know, something like that. And then he slapped me twice across the face because I called it.

Starting point is 01:39:35 Open hand slap, backhand. Backhand. Very interesting that. That hurts, that hurts. It would have hurt if he wasn't 60 pounds shopping went with rain boots on. Wow, look at that. Look at this, the fly weight division going at each other here.

Starting point is 01:39:51 He just sent me a message today over emo. So what did he say? Sorry about that? No, can I borrow more money? He said I have an ego. He was like, don't let the ego get in the way of the relationship between you and your god. I'm gonna tell you that.

Starting point is 01:40:06 Yeah, you're like, motherfucker, I'm Leonardo. Yeah, I got an intracural shit dude. But yeah, that's what happened. So then I left. Wow. I left the house and then I went to New York in Chicago. I saw my friends and I was spending that teenage, you mean an intracurral. Dude, I was actually like going through a manic episode and I think I spent maybe $20,000 on clothes.

Starting point is 01:40:26 This is all from that. Yeah, yeah, amazing. I love it. David Jolly also has spent $20,000 of your dollars on clothes. That's dope. You got the Apple Pay. I wish you a favorite drug. My favorite drug?

Starting point is 01:40:40 I don't know the fuck with drugs, man. I just like cigarettes. That's it. I used to smoke weed, but ever since I stopped it termine it like a superhuman cuz I'm like much more on my feet I feel like I'm gonna be a better actor because of it and I also like I freestyle now I don't even know how that happened you freestyle. Oh please please please please tell Daniel What kind of beat you on I have to I know this has been a crazy

Starting point is 01:41:06 People are gonna hate that I've had you up here for 18 They're gonna be like drumming acting stand up fucking this guy needs to do this guys mediocre at everything I'm a jack of all. Oh shit John. These is giving you the beat. You're in trouble now. Let's see how fun Give me three words. I'll incorporate them into the freestyle okay Dildos donuts and drama Dildos donuts and drama okay here we go pick it up pick it up pick it up pick it up come on we got some keys and some drums all right here we go

Starting point is 01:41:43 hey I'm on Killtony today and I got some keys and some drums, alright here we go Hey, I'm on Killtony today and I got some dildos in my ass and I'm trying to give away I got a trap to do, I got some money to make, Baker needs the cookies made but it's not made without the dough bro Hey, it's a dildo, trying to sell my dildos, the drama is really real though but I get it like that. I'm a real home. Come on I'm an actor Leonardo that's a factor got the shit and I got the bands and I got the shit and I'm with a live band Hey, what's the base that need some base? I need something right on the way in this race. Let's get it back Come on, baby. I'm gonna hit you ass. What what what what what what what was that last word? I already hit that Last word I already hit that Donuts okay, don't us. Oh, yeah, we got boo-doo down the street and I'm fucking gay Hey my girlfriend just broke up with me trying to get with the trans page and she could take me to Charter name

Starting point is 01:42:41 Come on now everybody knows I got the real flow. I'm on a real go. I got a deal though I got a a don't know they're gonna fit together like some way go get it together Come on man. Don't you see the tether? I'm trying to pull you out of the fucking mud pit. We're stuck in it We're stuck in it. Fuck yeah, and that's it So I was high I was high enough my favorite music performance of the night fuck yeah my favorite music performance of the night. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Do those bad old things.

Starting point is 01:43:05 And it's taken 20 minutes for it to happen, but very rarely do I go from absolutely, completely disliking somebody to slowly finding them more and more charming. I like your style, but remember what made it work for you. It's talking about you. That was a bit for some of your style of life. You don't have to say that the mistake that so many actors make and trust me, we did this show in Los Angeles for fucking what? Seven, eight, whatever,

Starting point is 01:43:38 nine years basically. We've dealt with so many actors trying to take a shortcut to get famous. You're already a very successful actor. The mistake that the actors make is they try to act like a comedian. It wasn't until you really started telling your story that every, at least I found you to be interested. 100%. I appreciate that Tony.

Starting point is 01:43:59 It's been a real pleasure, man. I've been a fan of the show for a while, so. It's cool. Very cool. I'm very glad that I'm up there. Next time you write for standup, write that ship. Yeah, that's right about being a child actor. People aren't going to be turned off by you saying you're a child actor. It might take a second for you to win them back over, but once they realize that you're being honest and real, it's going to be good for you.

Starting point is 01:44:21 For sure. I appreciate that advice. Did you ever act? Were you ever an actor? I mean, it's good for you. For sure, I appreciate that advice. Serious. Did you ever act? Were you ever an actor? I mean, it's easy for me. You ever seen it? I mean, he's just got it like that. Catch me on Judd Apatow's HBO's crashing. Oh, hey! What a big deal.

Starting point is 01:44:38 But no one knows about a TV's dead. So true, that's why I'm running a YouTube channel now. He's gonna catch it. He's gonna catch it. He's 21. What is it that's why I'm running a YouTube channel now. He's gonna catch it. He's gonna catch it. He's 21. He's a... I'm nimble. He's dead, storytelling hands on him.

Starting point is 01:44:50 You think he's not gonna catch a fucking joke? But he's got this shit. Look at... Oh, I don't know. What is this? Red band. Oh my god. I shouldn't have been so close to my cup.

Starting point is 01:44:59 But this goes to the highlight reel of Red Band being Oh my God. Oh my God. I shouldn't have put the mic up. But this goes to the highlight reel of Red Band being right about something. For those of you that have been fans of the show for a long time, you know that that highlight reel is about 12 seconds long. And this is gonna be 18 seconds long now. I'm stuck in my claim.

Starting point is 01:45:21 God damn man, whiffed it. You're gonna put the mic up. I want you to continue to sign up for the show and you figured out the trick here. Right about you. Right about stuff that only you can talk about your perspective and fucking do it. You got a gel blast or go shoot your little father with it if he tries to fuck with you again.

Starting point is 01:45:41 There he goes, Nicholas Cantu. And the new channel, Teenage Mutant Turtle movie, it's actually really good. Check out the new team, Nintro Turtle movie. It's literally listed above John Cena on the fucking IMBB board. Kind of crazy. Paul Rodin Cena, baby. That's right. All right, take these.

Starting point is 01:45:57 Y'all have a great night. Thanks for having me. Nicolas Pantu, everybody. 21 years old. It's probably going to be famous. More famous than all of us for the rest of our lives. Literally, as a crazy resume. People like that act forever.

Starting point is 01:46:12 He's gonna be an actor forever. It's probably gonna play like, a little Batman one day or something. Alright. Batman babies. What did I do here? Is this the next one? Did I drop a name? Oh, okay. You What did I do here? Is this the next one? Did I drop a name?

Starting point is 01:46:26 No, that's not fun. Oh, okay. You guys having fun out there? Yeah! All right, pulled another name out of the bucket. Makes some noise. We've spent way too much time with, fuck, the Nicholas can too.

Starting point is 01:46:40 But if you tell me your father just hate you for the first time, 13 minutes into your interview, you kind of get an extended interview. Smart move, very strategic. That kid knows how to work show business. That's why he's been an actor since he was, what do you say, six? Seven.

Starting point is 01:46:57 Make some noise for your next comedian, Spencer Boone, everybody. Here we go, Spencer Boone. You guys having fun out there, huh? Seems like we're losing some energy. You guys all wish you were child actors. You guys okay? Make some noise one more time. Good and loud for Spencer Boone everybody.

Starting point is 01:47:15 Woo! Woo! Woo! I found out recently that baptisms involve water. Growing up, I always thought they were locked doors and secrets kept. I don't know if you ever had a chance to gargle on a good old god sent in glizzy. Who knew holy water was so viscous, salty.

Starting point is 01:47:40 I don't know. Afterwards it gave you a book with a cross on it, your name on the inside, you get to keep that for forever, like a memento to a crime. My parents hate that joke. Always have to tell, I'm a grown man, did not force himself on me as a child. That shit was totally consensual. But Deacon Dave was a looker, 20 bucks is 20 bucks. Like Pokemon cards aren't free, and I'm trying to collect holographics, you know what I'm saying? Like,

Starting point is 01:48:12 I'm saying like, it makes it hard to go back to singing, Jesus loves little children. You know what I mean? All right, thank you guys. Okay, Spencer Boone. Hell yeah, buddy, welcome, welcome. This is your first time on the show.

Starting point is 01:48:27 Yes, sir. How long you been doing stand up? Coming up on four years, four years. All of it here in Austin? Oh, no, I've been here for a couple of months, but I'm from Virginia. From Virginia, what part of Virginia? Charlottesville.

Starting point is 01:48:37 I'm coming from a county over from that in Orange. Okay, how far is that from Tyson's? Oh, probably just hour and a half. Okay, so my boat, yeah. I was just there on Saturday night. That's all, yeah. It was fun. It sold out 2,300 people, but who's counting, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:48:55 Anyway, so what made you move to Austin, Texas? This show, the comedy scene, being able to get up more than, you know, a week and a half I get up more than two months at my old putt absolutely a micro week a fun Vagus that you know it's the same way you know you hear that about Virginia right now but it's the exact same thing going on in Los Angeles in New York like the you know there the veterans that have a foothold there in those cities aren't going anywhere. They're scared to death to leave those places. So they have those spots.

Starting point is 01:49:31 So like a jet ski Johnson or a wine shanker, Kim Kong, and these people that are trying to come up on these scenes come here and they can do 13 spots in three or four days, whereas in LA, you're trying, you're leaving a veils, but they have, you know, fucking diversity and terms of actors. People that they have to get on stage, you know what I mean? It has to be an eclectic crew in these blue cities now, and you look at you,

Starting point is 01:49:58 you don't fall into any diversity whatsoever. Hot topic manager. You know what's interesting about you is that you seem like you would be an actual fan of death metal jazz music. Yeah, 100%. 100% yeah. 100% yeah. What do you do for work, Spencer? Right now I'm looking for more work.

Starting point is 01:50:22 Do a little part time stuff. Like part time gigs on an app, or I do a thing where I check parking lots, but I don't write tickets, I just kind of scan them. You scan what? The parking lot? I get paid to scan license plates through an app. Oh, interesting. Yeah. Interesting.

Starting point is 01:50:38 So, yeah, go ahead. And you find, you don't want to find niggas? I can't if I want to, but most time I don't. Hey, nigga, fuck you man, hey. What? Yeah, can they call man for 400 in the city back home? Oh no, there's ain't nothing like that, there ain't nothing like that.

Starting point is 01:50:51 It's only select parking lots and they have like 40 signs that say, hey, pay the park here. You think I'm up there? So it's kind of on them. Hey, man, for shit, nigga. I love your set, good set. I hate what you do. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of it. If I see what you do. Oh, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:51:05 I'm not proud of it. I'm not proud of it. If I see somebody sleeping in their car, I'm not going to write them a fucking ticket. You know what I mean? Like, I'm not a dick. You hear that, David Jolly? Hey, fuck you, Tony.

Starting point is 01:51:15 Fuck you asshole. I got a goddamn residence, motherfucker. Kiss my ass. A residence. That is such the words of someone that fucking doesn't. I ain't got- I- I don't have a fucking car, how I'm sleeping in my fucking, you know what I mean? Yes, yes, describe your residence more to us. David Jolly! Come on, it's a full beer room.

Starting point is 01:51:45 Full bedroom. Yeah, all right. Let me shut the fuck up. Glad I said. I'm just be quiet, right? That's the best, the best. Oh, my God. Oh, God.

Starting point is 01:51:57 You fucking crack me up, David Jolly. Just a reminder, David Jolly has the New Gang Violence shirt available at Bonesi.com, a new podcast called I Know You Fucking Lion, a very long title. That is the actual title. I know you fucking lion. I said, that's the name of your podcast. You said, I K Y F L. I'm like, okay, everyone's gonna totally remember that.

Starting point is 01:52:22 I know you fucking lion and the gang violence tour taking place now, not to be confused with the new campatterson shirt selling out everywhere at Kill Merch.com comes with a free rock and his new YouTube show Cam and the Whites. Am I saying that right? Yeah, Cam and the Whites. Cam and the Whites were cam talks with white people about white and white people shit and compares it to black people shit I do white people shit like I had went rock climbing a couple days ago because I like that Hell yeah And you do it and they get to see the perspective of a Dibbaba. Overnigger.

Starting point is 01:53:02 Yeah. Amazing. We're going to have an inward count on this episode, I think, tonight. There's a lot of niggas being said right now. I'll tell you that. David Jolly, will you contribute to the count please? Nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga. That sounds like a hospital after somebody dies for the people on YouTube, by the way.

Starting point is 01:53:24 There's a bee! Yeah. I love it. Spencer, tell us something more interesting about your life. Some fun facts about you that make you different or stand out. I used to be over 420 pounds. Whoa! Yeah.

Starting point is 01:53:39 Which did you do with the 20? You got up to 420, you smoked pot, and then you're like, I gotta get my life to go. The scale stopped at 420. There was a week where I wasn't registering. Yeah, damn. So what happened? How did you do it? It's explained to Redman how you like to do it.

Starting point is 01:53:53 How much did you gain? Apparently I've been dying for a long time, not just from the over-weightness, but like, at the age of 30, I found out that I had celiacs disease, lactose intolerance, and an allergy to meat from a tick bite called alpha gal. Ah! The old tick bite.

Starting point is 01:54:15 Yeah. About this. So, basically, they took away all my bread, meat, and cheese. So, like, all my daily coping mechanisms, I just wasn't allowed to have anymore. Oh, my goodness. this is red bands, or worse nightmare. Yeah, it's not great, it's not great. So wait, they took away your,

Starting point is 01:54:31 what can you not eat right now? Gluten, dairy, or mammal meat, loving a sore. So I can have chicken instead. Breaking news, God hates you. So, that was camp mattersson on the assist there. That was written by Cam Patterson, that moment of the show. It's okay.

Starting point is 01:54:51 It's very good. So what do you eat now? Chicken, seafood, fruits, vegetables, stuff like that. So you're black now. That's so stupid. That's so stupid. That's so stupid. That's so stupid.

Starting point is 01:55:04 That's so stupid. That's so stupid. That's so stupid. That's so stupid. I'd agree with my camera. That's so fuck you, red man. What the hell? That was racism. Brought to you by Red Band, everybody. I love it. So, okay. And you must be losing weight constantly eating that clean, right? I did for the longest time. At one point, I lost 160 pounds. Wow.

Starting point is 01:55:15 And I was like, oh, I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to lose my weight.

Starting point is 01:55:24 I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to lose my weight. I'm going to So, okay. And so you must be losing weight constantly eating that clean, right? I did for the longest time. I, at one point I lost 160 pounds. Wow. That is me. That's a whole meat. Yeah. That is my entire fucking body.

Starting point is 01:55:35 I've put some weight back on being in Texas because I eat shit I shouldn't. Like what? Like Terry Blacks. Like, it's good. Right. Not to be confused with our panel, Scary Blacks. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Fuck you, you piece of shit. Fuck you, you asshole. That's why you go my ball and you talk, motherfucker.

Starting point is 01:56:09 By the way, four people complain on the internet. We're all friends here. So when I point to say the N word or he says fuck you, Tony, we're friends internet. We love each other. We're fucking people are gonna be babies. You're gonna kill Todeo through this dope. Fuck you, don't worry. No, but I think it changed my life, bitch. Goddamn right. These fucking people are gonna be babies. You're gonna kill Todeo through this dope. Fuckin' Dope.

Starting point is 01:56:25 No, man, they can change my life, bitch. Goddamn right. My ass too. Yup, absolutely. 100% out here, changing the lives of the blacks. You like the NAACP? What? You like a white NAACP, by the way, sir?

Starting point is 01:56:40 I am. I am the white NAACP. Hmm? The NAACP. I am. I am the white NA double a CP the NA double a CP not to be confused with I K Y F L which is the new podcast by David Jolly. I love it. You are a you're a cool guy Spencer Boone. I'm gonna give you some zippx nicotine toothpicks. These are cinnamon. These are gonna help curb your appetite. I'm gonna tuck it inside of a large kiltoni jub book and and you're leaving with a brand new state-of-the-art gel blaster. I'm gonna toss this at you. One of the running things of the show is

Starting point is 01:57:22 Will the person catch it? I believe you will it. Okay we know but everybody catches it. He caught or would it make a list can to try the one handed catch after free styling about dildos donuts and drama he had extra confidence okay. Congratulations welcome to Austin Texas I love that I love that people are moving here from the middle of nowhere and both coast to chase their dream Spencer Boone everybody there he does All right We're running into overtime here. This is a late running show you guys have energy left. I pulled one last name out of the bucket Okay, I like this good crowds the last two weeks. I must say Okay, I like this. Good.

Starting point is 01:58:02 Good crowds the last few weeks, I must say. All right, final bucket pull of the night goes by the name of Billy Ray Griffin, everybody. Three names, here we go. Billy Ray Griffin, the close the show, out of the bucket pulls. Billy Ray Griffin. Okay, here he is, one more time for Billy Ray Griffin,

Starting point is 01:58:23 everybody. Yeah. So I guess got some really good news. I just found out my brother's off the spectrum. Yeah, can I get around a plus? Guys, come on. All right, he's not retarded. He just doesn't have internet. I think they should come up with all trans boy band and name them new kids on the cock. So my mom's name's Patty with a eye. She didn't do dishes. My dad called her Patty with a black eye. She left them.

Starting point is 01:58:55 Now she's Patty with a black eye. Unlike my mom, I'm glad that joke hit. So I just recently got out of jail. And man, I got arrested because I got in a crazy fight. When I got out my friend was like hey man they got a thing in Texas called mutual combat. If you say that you won't get any trouble. Why fucked up? Because I yelled, moral combat. All right guys I'm Billy Ray Griffin. Billy Ray Griffin with 58 seconds. Okay, let's talk about it.

Starting point is 01:59:29 I remember you Billy Ray, you were on an episode with Adam Ray, and he bought you a hotel when you first moved here. You didn't have a place to sleep that night. And what else we tried to get you a job or something? Yeah, I got a job, I got hired. And I did that for a little bit, then I was working out a restaurant recently, and I got a job I got hired. Yeah, and I did that for a little bit. Then I was working out a restaurant recently. And I got arrested.

Starting point is 01:59:47 Would you get arrested for a billy right? Dude put his hands on me. You're like, you poked me in the face? He poked you in the face. What part of the face? Like this? Oh, fuck. Yeah, I can't even fucking imagine.

Starting point is 02:00:00 We heated now. So he did that. And then you swinging on me, bro? He started swinging on you after the poke. After that. Well, I caught his mama bitch. But, hold on a second. Hold on.

Starting point is 02:00:11 And exactly which moment did you call his mama bitch? As you poke me on the face. Right, so there's a poke on the face. Yo, your mom's a bitch and then fists. And then fists. And what was he landing on? He swinging on me. And he did the hockey move, too.

Starting point is 02:00:24 What's that? Like he put my shirt over my face. Oh, shit. It sounded like he kicked your ass. No. No. I had to get him. So the reason. No.

Starting point is 02:00:36 No. Hey, what's the heck over this, yo, the bitch is old. You with me? So I was afraid. So I grabbed whatever I could, and what I grabbed was a beer glass, a beer bottle, and a bus and a little forehead. A beer bottle over the forehead.

Starting point is 02:00:51 Indeed, that will get you in jail. That is what we call assault with a deadly weapon, believe me. Well, they lowered to a misdemeanor. They lowered it to a misdemeanor. OK, I'm going to go with my senior law correspondent, David Jolly, here on the... Yeah. On the...'m gonna go with my senior law correspondent, David Jolly here on the, on the, if you haven't seen his rap sheet, it is, yeah, it reads like the holy Bible.

Starting point is 02:01:13 Hey, I ain't get, they ain't do the background shit, that's all I'm gonna say. And by the sounds of things, that's not like bullshit. Yeah, bro, I was, I believe you though, you know you my dollar bill, right? Yeah, do. David, if you were his public defender, in this case, look believe you though, you know you my dollar billy right? Yeah, dude. David, if you were his public defender in this case, uh, look out there down, right down the barrel, a camera one and, and, and like it's the judge and try to get them off.

Starting point is 02:01:34 Here we go, David Jolly, the world's worst public defender. Did, did, did you honor? You can look, you can look my motherfucking defender right in the eyes and see him, he's torn in his hell I love sluts He is a goddamn retard, let him off, now come on They gonna cut his goddamn checkhole in... Yes he baby

Starting point is 02:01:55 Hey you shut the fuck up, I'm trying to get you off My defendant is a goddamn retard A goddamn retard The winner is a Gottian retart. A Gottian retart. Oh, shit. This is the greatest show on planet Earth. Doesn't make any sense. That nigga guilted it.

Starting point is 02:02:16 He did it, shit. Shit. And it was a black dude. They let him go, but they arrested me. It was a black guy. Yeah. Oh, my god. I was about to let him go but they arrested me it was a black guy. Yeah. Oh my god. I'm mad at them go. I don't know Surprise how many times We should have got arrested for this game violent That's gay you know what you a man. He hit you with that shirt move you want him

Starting point is 02:02:42 I got me good. I ain't gonna let him pay me. Did he fuck you up bad? I just got my little bit. I fucked him up. That sound like a motherfucking lie bitch. No, I swear to God, Google it. You own Google? I could be.

Starting point is 02:02:55 You were on Google. And you could get it on the TV. I'm gonna die. You on the Google? And? How black was this guy on a scale from Mars Martian to David Jolly? What are we talking about here? Are you pointing at the bucket?

Starting point is 02:03:11 Holy shit! Oh my god, wait, is that just because your shirt was over your head? It was complete darkness. Oh my goodness, D Madness just said, imagine that on my complete darkness line. The little things you guys miss out there, it's incredible. Yeah, I was pissed off, I missed 4 kill-tony episode, it's like a sign-in for it. Damn. Yeah, my birthday's new year, I was about to be mad if I missed new years because that's

Starting point is 02:03:42 my birthday's new year day. Okay, I'm planning on going to the sold out H.E.B. Center so I'm signing up. You bought tickets? You have to be on the inside. Yep, and I'm gonna sign up for it. So that's some cool. Yep, absolutely.

Starting point is 02:03:54 That would be a New Year's Eve treat. You in an arena. Yeah. Yeah. Hey. That would be fun to be silent as hell, but. Shit. Shit. That would be fun to be silent as hell, but... Shit.

Starting point is 02:04:07 Uh, we're gonna hear the popcorn popping during your set. It's gonna be exciting. So Billy Ray, you've been working hard at SAM. How long were you in jail for? 22 days. 22 days. So explain to us some highlights and some low lights to jail. What surprised you?

Starting point is 02:04:22 I got to do comedy in jail. That too. What? Why what? I just stand do comedy in j... That too. What? Why what? I just stand up and jail. I did comedy. I told jokes. You did? Yeah. Okay. I gotta do a lot of rock. So you fucked yourself in the ass. That's incredible.

Starting point is 02:04:35 And this you? How did that go? David Jolly. How do you think it went? Hey, when you bombed a jail, did they beat your ass? I didn't bombed you. Oh, you ain't bombed you. No. They liked went? Hey, when you bombed a jail, did they beat your ass? I didn't bombed you. Oh, you ain't bombed you. No.

Starting point is 02:04:47 They liked it? Yeah, man. There's nothing else for them to be entertained by. So there's something like that is the best thing in the world. Yeah. Did you get a stand in Ovation? I mean, yeah, they were stand. OK, so that was the highlight. What was your least enjoyable moment of jail before we

Starting point is 02:05:08 get you off the hook here? The food suck. Uh-huh, right. The food was bad. Can you explain to us your least favorite meal in jail? Cornbread, like stale cornbread. David Jolly's mouth is watering I like cornbread my brother you like cornbread I might go to get some after me I like cornbread joke implied is that you love cornbread. I fucking love it I like collagreens and I like hot sauce. Okay. Well things we all knew for a thousand dollars We all knew for a thousand dollars. Let me guess you like the Wu Tang clan. I don't know I'm from the South man foot Wu Tang. Okay Whoa, whoa my man. I'm sorry. I don't know Yeah, that fucked up dude. All right. I love Wu Tang. I think Wu Tang is the clan you need to be worried about David Jolly

Starting point is 02:06:12 All right Billy Ray Griffin there you go you get a joke book before I got a little one You got a little one and that is how it will remain We are gonna give you some zippx toothpicks though Congratulations there you go Billy Ray Griffin There we go, Billy Ray Griffin. Uh oh. There we go, everybody. Billy Ray Griffin. And I do believe, oh shit, look at this guy squeezing his way through to the restroom. There's about to take someone's about to take a massive shit.

Starting point is 02:06:38 That is incredible. Unbelievable. How did he get through there like that? It was amazing. I didn't know that was even possible. I Have heard of a walkway that was a waddle way Okay Well it appears to be that that's it We thank you guys. Oh, but wait

Starting point is 02:07:02 Indeed there's only one way to end a show like this Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the reigning The bending and kiltony Hall of Famer record holder for everything he's ever done most sense Most minutes most interviews everything Slaying in feeders all the country, opening for me. Ladies and gentlemen, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody. Let me all make some noise if you stand at the gate to personally shake hands with and thank every Skyman Dalian Gold member!

Starting point is 02:08:00 To shout out to Delta, okay, let's keep it going. Joe Biden recently made a huge gaff when he referred to LL Cool J as a talented rapper. A lady is suing Disney World after water was forced inside her vagina on a water slide. The good news is she stands to make a lot of money. The bad news is it was Red Band's mom. Red Band, what was her old ass doing in Typhoon Lagoon? Did it? California Senator Diane Feinstein died two years ago.

Starting point is 02:08:41 No, but apparently she actually had some dirt on Hillary Clinton. Okay. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Exactly one minute, by the way. The master of the craft, the undefeated, undisputed champion of Filtony. Digging deep into his ear right? Yeah, my ear has been itching all night inside of my ear hole.

Starting point is 02:09:08 I don't know. I don't know. I've gotten this new listening device saying, Tony, this is a true story. I have found these people. They just moved into the apartment compel up complex where I love. And I'm pretty sure they're drug dealers. I have been looking out of my window literally eight hours at a time during the day. And I confronted one of the girls the other morning. She had these horrible sores all over her legs. And I go up and I'm like, oh, what, you just move here?

Starting point is 02:09:34 What's going on? And she said, yeah, my ex boyfriend is really abusive. And I was like, are you sure you fucking live here? And she said, you need to leave. Why are you acting so animated talking to me. So it kind of pissed me off that a literal crazy person called my fucking ass out for being crazy. I'm not fucking crazy.

Starting point is 02:09:54 It took a head to my confidence when that happened. But other than that, I've been doing all right. For those of you that may have not understood that story, William is the type of neighbor that does indeed look out of his window a lot. He's a kind of like a 75 year old man trapped in the body of whatever the fuck that is. He writes letters to the manager about his neighbors. And he did. That is an actual, that is an actual, William has been been a lot of what you hear believe it or not is real with

Starting point is 02:10:28 William Montgomery including the part about red bands mom. Yeah she. Her credit coming. Yeah okay but this is real William did talk to this lady and then you complained to the manager of your building and then what happened? I told the manager that they were walking in their apartment with a bunch of bags with TJ Maxx on the bags. I think it was all stolen goods.

Starting point is 02:10:53 And then I was thinking afterwards, I'm sure the lady is thinking I'm just some fucking person making fun of TJ Maxx. I'm not. I love TJ Maxx, but yeah, I love TJ Maxx but yeah I'm having second thoughts I should have deleted the email I shouldn't have seen it but what's so funny right man it's Cam Patterson man I don't live over there I live in a real piece of shit. Yeah, I live okay.

Starting point is 02:11:28 Yeah, it's no these scary looking white people. I'm sure people thought I was talking about some blacks or whatever. They went, they went black. What are they with Puerto Ricans? Uh, Filipinos, I think. So, uh, you look out your window a lot. You're keeping an eye on everything have there been more suspicious behavior that we haven't heard about you

Starting point is 02:11:49 We got back We you got back Sunday from the road. Yeah, there's this Interexa girl. I'm always watching her walking around. She is horribly skinny and the ambulance came to her apartment a couple days ago before we left to To go to Virginia. So I think she might have died. I don't know. I was looking at Adam and they rolled her out with a sheet over her head. So I do think she died. She was really skinny.

Starting point is 02:12:17 Very rarely do they, very rarely do paramedics, put a sheet over a living person's head. So I think she's extremely, extremely rare. Unless the person's just very sleepy. Yeah, it could have been that, but I think she's got a father then with the bright light on her. But it's her, the outside.

Starting point is 02:12:39 Okay, what else is going on, William? Somebody died, the drug dealers, what else is going on. I finally have some shows Tony, where I'm doing some rear headlining sets. I hope this is. Well, headlining. And I think I'm now saying it too late. It's some's coming up in Vegas and then San Diego

Starting point is 02:12:56 and Memphis before that. So we'll see how it goes. You're gonna name the dates of these shows? Are we? I should have rented it down on my no card. Honestly fuck you have any idea what month they're in? Yeah, October, I think the the San Diego one is the last week in a October in the, uh, fucking Vegas one is the week before that. So we'll see. We'll see if I can do more than 20 minutes.

Starting point is 02:13:18 Promoter William Montgomery. Yeah, we'll see if I can do 20 minutes over 20 minutes. That's all I've been doing. What's funny? Catch him doing the same 20 minutes set three times in a row in Vegas and I'll have a lot of fun. You'll have a lot of fun and if you show up Yeah, I'm probably just doing 20 minutes so people need to get ready for a 20 minute headlining stuff Can you give them a little taste of like can you do one joke that you do in your 20 minutes set? little taste of like can you do one joke that you do in your 20 minutes set. Hell no! I get all that damn boom! That's a book I'm working on about the only black lady on the Titanic. See? Yeah. That's good. That's it. Crushes and theaters.

Starting point is 02:14:05 We're having a lot of fun. I kick them out there first to get the party started in these theaters and he fucked the best. Did a lot of fun. Yeah. Somebody died during David Lucas's set or all those. He wrote a heart attack. There was a guy during David Lucas's performance

Starting point is 02:14:20 at the Capitol One Hall that in the front row who was having a heart attack during David Lucas has set a literal heart attack during David's set someone had a heart attack and it wasn't David Lucas. It is unbelievably incredible. What do you think David Jolly? That's real gang violence right there boy. Lucas I hit kill them up with jokes? That guy's okay, by the way.

Starting point is 02:14:47 William, let me ask you a question. What would you do if two people moved into your apartment building that looked like my esteemed panel here? I'd come over there with some cookies that I had freshly baked and... And try to just make friends, because I might, if I'm being very honest with you

Starting point is 02:15:05 I'd probably be a little bit nervous. It's been nice being around y'all and around y'all. I'm not normally Around a bunch of black people, but it's been a pleasure So I'd probably go over there and try to make friends and is there anything that you're passionate about this week? What am I not passionate about this week? I saw the new Saul 10 movie last night. That was a lot of fun. Saul 10? Saul 10, I spent $75 on the popcorn bucket and Saul Cups.

Starting point is 02:15:37 So that was exciting. And the popcorn really wasn't all that good. And it was a giant bucket, but I fortunately I have to eat it. And Tony, I'm really excited actually about the fucking bidet up in the green room bathroom right now. Oh shit there is a new bidet. There's a new bidet up there and I feel sorry for the mother fucker that has to clean it because I pissed all over it. And I'm not gonna stop pissing all over the fucking bidet.

Starting point is 02:16:07 I don't know what is the cleanest shit up every night, but I'm gonna be being on it every fucking night. You're gonna pee on the bidet? Yes, just on the seat and the bidet. It's just all parts of it. It's kind of, I don't know if you've noticed, it's coming out a long ways. It seems like a weird construction on that thing. I don't know.

Starting point is 02:16:27 It is a little misshapen. I'm not exactly sure who is in charge of lining up the bidet with the toilet here in the green room of... That's different color too. It's also a different color than the toilet. The toilet is black, the bidet is white. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:16:44 What is a bidet? A bidet is... That's the Buddha Hole cleaner when they shoot the water, your Buddha Hole. That is exactly how it gets... You're pushing on that shit, never could actually get a game. I love gay people. Camp Patterson, charming as hell. You should do a show called Cam and the Gays. Oh

Starting point is 02:17:07 Shit, how to be hard. Yeah, you know shit. I know What was that? What was that? What was that supposed to be the beginning of the Cam and the Gays theme song? Oh Here we go. Here's the here it is the theme song to Cam and the Gays Cam and the Gays. Cam and the Gays. And then it's just right being on the show. William, we love you. And again, William, I'm coming everybody. Cam Patterson, the shirt, available at Killmerch.com, Cam and the Whites, and Cam Patterson on YouTube, gang violence shirts from David Jolly at Bonesi.com, like Bonesi books, also available at Killmarch.com,

Starting point is 02:17:54 selling like crazy. The drawing from the great Ryan J. E. Belt is in featuring David Jolly and Cam Patterson. And it is cool as hell. They don't normally see drawings of them unless it's a police sketch. So this is very exciting. Thank you to Zipix toothpicks, making the best nicotine toothpicks on planet Earth. Thank you to Joe Blaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law firm,

Starting point is 02:18:20 Kinect Mobile Health, ninjafusses.com, Austin Security Garden Service, and Screwball Peanut Better Whiskey. Have a hand for the great Daniel Watson on the drums, everybody! Paul Beamer on the horn! Be madness on the bass! John Knees on the keys! And Matt Mjolnick on the electric guitar!

Starting point is 02:18:40 Check out the Killtony band, every other Wednesday, and Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip ATX stock. Yes, no doubt about it. About one more time to the great camp headers in the David Jolly everybody. We did it again. We love you guys. Some official Killtony merch for sale on your way out available only only here not online. We love you guys. Thank you Some of you good night everybody ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ‿ʻ ʻ 1.0-1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ you You

KILL TONY - #633 - KAM PATTERSON + DAVID JOLLY

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