KILL TONY - #634 - YANNIS PAPPAS + RYAN SICKLER + MIKE FEENEY

Episode Date: October 31, 2023

Yannis Pappas, Ryan Sickler, Mike Feeney, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 10/23/2023THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY:Get 50% off of Factor & support the show at https://www.factormeals.com/KILLTONY50 & use code KILLTONY50—Support the show & get $80 off your first month of therapy at https://www.talkspace.com/tony—SHEATH UNDERWEAR – Go to SHEATHUNDERWEAR.COM and use promo code “TONY” for 20% off!—KACHAVA – Nutrient-Rich Superfoods – 10% OFF FIRST ORDER – https://www.kachava.com/collections/kill-tony-podcast—DISPLATE.COM – USE CODE “TONY” FOR UP TO 30% OFF!

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. All are merch can be found for Kill Tony at Kill Merch.com. Tony's on a brand new Tories going all over the place to check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Killtony Band and the secret show is every single Thursday Get Tickets at SunsetStrip ATX.com.

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Tickets are going lightning fast. It's absolutely unbelievable. These will be the first podcasts of Kiltoni ever in an arena. This is two and a half, three times as big as the ACL Live theater that we did for the 10-year anniversary. We've become an arena act. So check it out, it's gonna be crazy.

A lot of surprises, a lot of fun, unbelievable guests. It's a big production. This is our version of WrestleMania. Go to ticketmaster.com. Look up Kiltoni. It's the one with tickets available. We're going back to back nights, the 30th and the 31st. HEB Center, live. I'm going to sing a holy song and scream, so it is close Sing it now, please

I'm going to sing a holy song and scream, so it is close Sing it now, please I'm going to sing a holy song and scream Yes! Yeah You hey, these is right back coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kale Tony give it up for Tony Hitchclair! Fuck yeah, how about a hand for Red Band everybody? We've been doing this a long time now. We're gonna have a lot of fucking fun tonight, a lot of fun stuff. This is Kiltoni, the number one live podcast in the world,

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Three comedians, two New Yorkers, and L.A. Spinus, Ryan Sikler. Mike Fini, Janice Popus of the Yannis Popus hour doing Portland January 11th in Vancouver January 12th. And of course Toronto March 23rd. Yannis welcome back. Good to be back. What's up Austin? How you guys doing? Yeah.

Yannis just had a wildly successful weekend here at the comedy Mother Ship. And this is Mike Feney's first time at the club. How about a hand for Mike Feney, everybody? Beautiful. Me, if I didn't smoke two packs of cigarettes a day, good looking boy. How are you, Mike? I'm great, man. This is exciting. Happy to be back doing the show again. I love it. I love it. Welcome back. And first time at the mother's ship. First time for Ryan too, right? No.

Oh, you've been here. I've been here. That's right. You had a fucking bad back last time. This is the first place I performed after I almost died in January. That's right. It was. He's alive and well.

Live and motherfucking well, y'all. Mike Fini's special. Tony often texts us at the mother's ship. Mike Fini's special comes I feel totally off the Texas at the mother's seat. Mike Fini's special comes out Friday. It's available now, if you're watching now, it's at youtube.com slash Mike Fini. Ryan Sickler special is on YouTube slash Ryan Sickler, lefty son.

He also of course has the hit podcast, Honeydew, which I've had a few of my favorite ever appearances on. I've really thanks to my father. The one Gifty gave me, where unbelievably ridiculous stories to tell on your podcast. Thank you for abandoning me, dad. I don't know why I looked up there. He's still alive.

That's just sad. And yes, like I said, Mike Fienese, a huge new special comes out this Friday, a night at the comedy celery shot in all four rooms, self-produced, self-directed, self-edited. We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. You guys have all done the show before. You know how it works. An absolute buttload of people signed up for the chance to do 60 seconds on this stage. We're only gonna get through, fucking hopefully as many as we can. But they get 60 seconds of uninterrupted

stand-up comedy time. You know the time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them and we find out more about them, more stuff that they could possibly talk about since it's a little bit of a walk from the bar next door We are going to pre-select our first bucket pull so that they could get ready and behind the curtain But first I think we should start the show with Really, I think the guy that's the greatest show starter in the history of the show you guys know anything about the show the ear app Well, you might know the words. You guys know the words,

so this guy's intro song. Alright, sing it if you know it. Make some noise for Hans Kim, everybody! Thank you guys. So there was an eclipse recently. I love eclipses because I don't even have to wear the glasses. My eyes are always in eclipse mode. I just have to side-eye it. Israel is fighting Palestine again, winner has to fight Russia.

Loser has to marry Jada Pinkett Smith. And be back-up dancers for Lizzo. Suck that banana, Palestine. All right, thank you. There you go. 50 seconds of the new material from Hans Kim getting out 10 seconds early after a two week break. Sorry about that, Tony. I am saving up for the HEP show. It's going to be a great one, Tune in. Yes, for those of you that don't know, it is indeed happening.

The first ever true main event comedy battle in the history of Kill Tony for an already sold out show. It will be Hans Kim versus Golden Ticket winner Rick Diaz and they have decided they've put it all up on the line. One will be a full-time regular of the show. The other will not be here. Yes, take in Europe. Oh my goodness. I absolutely love this. You guys have an internet beef and everything. You guys are promoting this fight better than like Dylan Danis and Logan Paul did.

It's incredible. Update the people if they don't know what's been happening on the internet between you two. So on the internet, Rick Diaz has been a little bitch and he has about one tenth of the followers that I have and I blocked him so I don't know what the fuck he's doing. I have been killing it. I have McVader on my side making me posters. I got random people just giving me posters of a Rick Diaz like getting fucked in the ass and shit.

I've been wildly successful. I've been making money off of YouTube off that cliff. Ha ha ha ha ha. Wild wildly successful. I've been making money off of YouTube off that cliff. Ha ha ha ha ha. A wildly successful. And you are. You're selling out everywhere you go. Adding shows to these comedy club dates. Incredible.

The thing that only what, three years ago, sleeping in the van. Yeah, not doing anything with my life being a real Rick Diaz. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Now, this ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh my goodness. Rep in the fucking KT friends and family 10 year anniversary jacket. You busted it out a little bit early on 78 degree day. I love it.

Well, like you, it was also made in China. So, now I'm canning his Korean, everybody's Korean. Have you talked to your parents lately? No, I sent them $1,000 to my mom and you know, that keeps her happy. So. Wait, you're supporting your parent? Don't they live in Seattle? Yeah, in San Francisco, same thing.

Yeah. Why are you sending your mom money? Just to be like, thanks for raising me. Here's like a little loan repayment, you know I'm repaying her back for raising me. That's nice. That is nice But you should stop that How old are you 34? Yeah 34 is a little bit too late to be given a thousand bucks here and there Well three years ago is an event. I didn't really give her anything.

Was she giving you money? Was she supporting you? Yeah, she let me live in her house for five years. She left for Korea, I was alone in this beautiful condo for three years, just doing open mics. And that really helps my comedy career. So I just want to repay the investment she made in my stock.

Wow, look at that. Really? A thousand bucks covers that, I'd say, huh? Three living for three years. I can't help raising $1,000. Three even. Send another 1,000 bucks to San Francisco. They need it right now.

Yeah. Yeah, they really do. What's their situation? Are they rich? Your parents' rich? Yeah, my sisters live together. My mom lives with them. She lives in Oakland, California.

She recently had a bag stolen from her at a Costco and Could we could I just demine? Yeah, because I thought you said are you rich? And then I heard him say yeah, then I heard him say my sisters live together And I don't know any rich motherfucking sisters that live together You know what I'm saying you said said their mom lives with them too? Yeah. When they rich, that sounds like communal. Yeah, they gotta send a portion back

to North Korea. You know what I mean? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha My dad is like kind of like He's a Korean Santa Claus What does that mean how you just described your dad? He's like lovable. He's sort of like a sitcom dad. He's like, oh, dad, always doing things that are socially awkward. Like what? Can you give us an example? No.

I think raising him was how? If you thought about sending your dad a thousand bucks. No. Why is that? My dad is rich. My dad a thousand bucks. No. Why is that? My dad is rich. My dad is doing great. He is an engineer. He is a mathematician.

He's a god. Oh, the Lama knows. Those guys are always the life of the party. Yeah. He's always like farting like a bubbly farts. Wait a second. What does that mean? Bubbly farts, like wet farts?

Yeah, very wet farts. Okay. Red band. Jesus Christ, we have a... I mean, we have a... Literally, we're three minutes into the episode and you're busting out your fart board already. Okay.

My dad is great. My mom and him are sort of separated. He lives in Korea alone. Your dad lives in Korea alone. What do you think he's doing over there exactly? I hope having lots of sex. I don't know what he's doing. He has a three-bedroom apartment to himself. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Santa Claus. He's got ho ho ho. He's a rich asshole. I fucking love it. A rich

mathematician in Korea. There's a room for everybody in Korea. Nobody's allowed to go. Oh, that's so good. It's amazing. Does your mom have a job? Yeah, she tutors children in math. Oh my god. This is the most unbelievable stereotype that I've ever heard. Math, petition, and your mom really tutors math. Yeah. If you tell me she can't drive, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind.

Yeah. She can drive. She can? Yeah. Really? How about your sisters? They can drive, but they, uh, I don't know what they're up to actually. Yeah, we just got a live feed from their driveway. That's just the driveway. So imagine what's going on when they pull all the way out.

Speaking of pulling all the way out, your dad, does he have any other kids with any other women? No, it's just us hopefully hopefully No one would know if he did like right? Yeah, maybe sends them away and uses those rooms No, he's he seems like he's pretty content. He's got that surgery on his eyes to make them bigger No way, yeah, heitty for you. What? Yeah, he said it was for medical reasons. What medical reasons? Because his eyes were too small.

Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! So, he literally got the, like, the eye opening. They have an eye opening, like, what do they do? Like, trim away your eyelids or something? Your eyes really are closed. I mean it is kind of crazy. I know we've been working together

for years and this is a weird time for me to bring it up but holy shit. Yeah this is me. My goodness. Have you ever thought about getting this surgery? Yes I would love to get this surgery. How much does it cost? I don't know. Not that much. You don't know. Can you look up the anti-Asian surgery or whatever it's called? The fucking. Not the big lengthening one. Korean eyelid surgery. Oh yeah, my girlfriend wants to do it. Oh my god, It really is 3100 dollars. Oh, I could get that Oh in Korea in Korea it's only $1,500 You could visit dad have an eye-opening experience

This is incredible you could He's got room for you. He's got two rooms for you. Amazing, Hans. Well, so much fun way to start's wild. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Alright, your first bucket pool of the night ladies and gentlemen now if you don't know this we're stuff, you know, maybe this is your first time at the show, maybe you have orange hair and glasses, you know. This is the barber thing you get a little weird because we don't know these people. We meet them all together, they get a minute, and then we try to figure out what the fuck is going on

with our lives. So make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night. Michael Hines, everybody. Michael Hines, and I three pull. And then it's fucks. And then it's fucks. And then it's a three pull. How's it going, everyone?

Woo! Yeah. I like to keep my cock a little stanky, you know Mostly because the girls I'm fucking don't watch their fucking box. So I'm trying to return the favor If I'm hitting it from the back and I'm catching a little backdrop man, you know, I want her to smell it from the front Clean it off for me come here reach underneath have a treat habitory. It's disgusting though but I do like dating handicap girls. I like dating handicap women mostly because parking near six treat is a bitch. But I am partial to the autistic women because they're not typically talkers. But I will peruse the terminal

ward for the occasional baby, you know? You don't get that awkward phone call like how can we didn't call me back? It just sort of takes care of itself. But you do have to keep a toilet plunger in the back seat, because those girls don't have any hair and those broads are rail thin, so there's nothing to grab. You gotta be able to... Thank you, that's been my time. Holy shit. Where do we begin?

Oh my God. Michael Hines, welcome. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes, sir. I would remember you. I saw you last Wednesday, right after I got kicked out of the creek in the cave. The creek in the cave? The Quique in the cave. What kind of speech impediment do you have?

Is that from eating stinky pussy? What is that exactly? I got kicked out of the quique in the cave. Oh my goodness, you have a little bit of a speech impediment, huh? You know, mostly when I'm nervous. You sound like what Hans Kim's eyes look like. There's like something blocking your fucking something. So holy shit. All right, Michael, let's just jump right into a dirty dick to return the favor for the dirty pussies that you get so much of somehow.

Obviously, how much pussy are you getting? When I first got to Austin, I fucked like five girls in a row, but one of them had a pregnancy scare, and I'm like, I'm not fucking anymore girls that I'd be embarrassed to bring home, so that was it. It's been dry for a while. I've never been convinced someone's had sex less than you. I, I, it's the lack of sideburns.

It's what's making me feel like. No sideburns, no pussy, that's kind of the rule. It is interesting. It is interesting. There's a lot at the top, nothing on the sides. It is. I got a haircut yesterday. It was down to here up until like yesterday.

Okay, and you're like cleaning it up, but not really. Leave something weird at the top. Well, I had a comic cut it, so. You what? I had a comic cut it. Oh, okay, that's brilliant. The honest. That's his credit. He had a comic cut his hair. You look like Dexter.

When my hair was longer, I used to get a Jeffrey Dahmer a lot, so I had to change the glasses out. I had the same ones. I don't think you'd be confused with a killer. Yeah. And according to you, you've dealt with more stinky body parts than him. Let's talk about this again. Five girls in a row, Michael Hines,

I find that just absolutely impossible to believe. So let's talk about it for a second. Where did you find these five girls? How did that happen? When I moved to Austin, I had sex with five girls and a whoa, you sad? So let's just jump right into it. I want to know where you're finding these fucking absolute,

you know, chicks with no fucking Standard, thank you. Yes, Matt Meele, thank you. It's been a, we took a couple weeks off. I'm a little bit slow right now a little dusty Go ahead. Well, I met them all on Tinder and you know They were I'm a veteran and so I wanted a girl to take you're a veteran really yeah well I needed someone to take with me to I hop and Applebee's to get all the free meals for veterans day so I had to hop on to Tinder and you know she was a dog which you got to take what you can get you know beggars, campy choosers. I'm it. Hold on.

Hold on. De-mandus is telling him to stop. So if you're a veteran, you get a free meal at IHOP and Applebee's. On Veterans Day. On Veterans Day. Not Memorial Day. We're the ones that fucking dodged that shit, dude. They don't honor us.

I'm a Memorial Day. Okay. What branch of the military were you? The Marine Corps. You were in the Moeys? What exactly did you do? I was an air crew. You were what?

Air crew. Air crew. So what? I worked on the helicopters. I was supposed to be a doer gunner, but I was in California the whole time, so I never really did anything all that cool. You worked on helicopters.

Oh my God. They make it pretty idiot proof. They have like computers. It's like Lego pieces. You see the screw go in and it's like two sent-in summaries of what you have to do. They make it pretty... How'd you get on?

How'd you get on? How'd you let you in then? No, man. Someone's circled through the care and haircut for real. Yeah. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- Oh my god, he does. That's gonna be the dentist. I see you look like. It's been 500% I got a fucking Bible head of you at home. The Christmas I put out for my daughter. It's solar and it just goes like this and it's you, the one that wants to be the dentist. No shit. Unbelievable.

It is true. You do look like a pitcher for every women softball team. This is unbelievable. Michael, so how long have you been doing standup? Like seven months now. What do you do for a living? I'm on an employment right now, rocking the system, baby.

Oh, the taxpayers, I love to hear that. There you go. So let's go back to this one more time. Five girls in a row. But meanwhile, the day that you get Applebee's and I hopped, that's only one day. So you're saying that you went on Tinder to take these girls out for your free meals,

but that's only one day. Did you go to like I hopped for lunch and Applebee's for dinner? Well, you know, I was most of them I didn't really want to take out. The first girl kind of looked like the Bucky's mascot. The second you look like the Bucky's mascot. What are you talking about?

The second one was like, she was like, trailer trash, she was missing, like not all the way, but meth is eating away a good percentage of her friends. And we know you've always wanted to be a dentist. Exactly. You're perfect for her. It was one really good-looking one.

Like, I don't know what she was thinking, or maybe my pictures are a little bit weird. She thought you were a hot lesbian. She was like a Brazilian girl, and she was like a foot taller than me. I only brought her to my house. We had a good time. I brought her home, and then she was like,

listen, you're really cool, but we're done. So what happened when you took her to your house, this hot Brazilian chick? Right now, my bed's on the floor, but at the time, I was renting a place with a really high bed frame, so it worked out, because I could actually bend her over that. I couldn't quite get up there.

That doesn't make sense. No, like she would be the opposite. It worked out. She liked how tall it was. She was able to kind of show off. She was like an Amazonian queen, dude. It was pretty cool. Huh.

What? Why do you think she had sex with you? I don't know. I guess because Tinder didn't add the height part yet, but now it's pretty much over, dude. I put five, nine, and I'm kind of lying. Oh, yeah, you're definitely lying. Five, eight, and a half, maybe, I don't know. Five, seven. Five, seven, yeah I'm kind of lying. Oh yeah, you're definitely lying. Five eight and a half maybe, I don't know.

Five, seven. Five, seven, yeah, you're getting closer. I'm sticking with five eight, and I'm gonna take it to the glimmer. Shut up, Michael. What do you do for fun? Tell us something about interesting about your life, the history of your life real quick before we let go.

I used to be a Jiu-Jitsu instructor for like six years. Uh-huh. And kickboxing. I don't really do it so much in Austin because I used to be a Jiu-Jitsu instructor for like six years. Uh-huh. And kickboxing. I don't really do it so much in Austin because I don't have a lot of money anymore. But I used to do it for fun. Now I just kind of take my dog out for walks and do comedy. Hey.

Oh. Oh my god. Oh my god. There isn't a single thing that you've said that matches your face and body and personality and voice and hair. But almost everything you've said that matches your face and body and personality and voice and hair. But almost everything you've said matches those short. My mom got them for me.

We had to take a family photo and I didn't have any nice khakis. Oh my God. Well Michael, congratulations. You know, I believe him. We have people of all different shapes and sizes on this show and congratulations, you got pulled out of the bucket first, Michael, here's a little joke book for you. There he goes, Michael Hines, everybody's leaving here with a gel blaster, great people over in the blaster. Your next bucket pool, this looks like another new name.

Let's see what happens here. Make some noise for Halima Abshir, everybody. Halima Abshir, we're gonna meet them straight out. Here's Halima, everybody. Let's go now, guys. My name is Halima. I look like a transitioning boy all the time. I have resting a political discussion face.

I look like a walking Twitter argument. Like, most people just assume that I voted for Biden. I've never voted, ever. You know what I did in the last primary? I just watched Steve Harvey. Yeah, I just laid on my couch going, what yo ass say? Yo ass is going to hell. I love Steve.

I think you should be our next president. Vice President Herschel Walker. You're not with me. President Trump vice president, Herschel Walker. You're not with me, president Trump, vice president, Herschel Walker. That's the America that I wanna see. Secretary of State, Kanye. All right, is that been a minute? I'm not.

I'm not. 52 seconds. Oh, okay, I guess she is done. Halima Abshir, everybody. Oh yeah. Welcome. Very funny. Rest in political face, hilarious.

How long have you been on standup? Four and a half years. Four and a half years. We're at Columbus, Columbus, Ohio. Beautiful, that is the sound of Brian Redvin. That is indeed where we all went to college. You were born and raised there. Yeah. Ethiopian. Somali. Oh, Somali. Okay. Very cool. Yeah, you guys. I was on the show back in 2019 in Columbus. Yeah. Okay. And it was like you were really young. It was like your first or second time or something. I was like eight months ago. I was like 20. Yeah. Awesome.

I do remember you. Awesome, Red Band always remembers the young ladies. No matter what. Oh, real. Dude, I was heavy back then too. I was like 220. Wow, how'd you dance the weight? I just calories and calories out.

There you go. That's how you do it, Red Band, there you go. There you go, you learn. I ate two chocolate croissants yesterday. I don't get what? I ate two chocolate croissants yesterday. I don't get what? I ate two chocolate croissants yesterday. Oh shit, it's all about math, baby. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Okay, have you ever had any other kind of croissants? Or do you stick with your own kind? What do you do for a living? Uh, I'm a barista. I was fired yesterday. Whoa. Very cool.

Yeah. I was overqualified for the job. I worked in like specialty coffee for like four years because I stand up and then got fired yesterday. Okay. That's why you took the croissants. Wow. Yeah.

I was very glad I did when I got the call. I was like, man, I really deserve this one. Yeah, when they fired you, were you like, sommelive. sommelive. That's a good pun. That's a good pun. All right, kind of.

I liked it. Thank you. And you're sommelie, so that your vote is the one that counts. So what did you do to get fired exactly? Giving discounts to regulars. Ooh. Yeah, which is a part of the purpose of the building. It's one of those Berkshire halfway type things.

Okay. They're just like, oh, they paid us to open up a coffee shop here and everyone that lives here gets 15% off. Okay. They're just like, oh, they paid us to like open up a coffee shop here and everyone that lives here gets 15% off. Ah. I was going to ask you, what were you giving them 15% or are you giving them like 65? Oh, I was giving them 15. And they fired you for the, I will fuck them then. Yeah, that's okay.

That's a lot to take in. Other good pun, let's go dude. Puns for the win! puns for the win the 10 year 10 and a half year anniversary of that joke being made on the show everybody brine red, bringing it back. Oh my God. So they fired you for something that is a normal thing that you're supposed to do. Did you say that to your manager when they tried to fire you? It was just a phone. I knew when I got the phone call it was going to be fired for something. I don't know why. I just expect that shit to happen all the time. That is so weird because normally someone like you is the person that doesn't get fired even if they did their job.

I know. I was feeling hoodies from them. Nowadays they need people like you. They must have some trans person they have to hire at the coffee shop. Because they're like next in the, you gotta. There's a problem. I make latte art every single time, every time.

I'm a killer at it. All the non-binary's oversteam, it's ugly, it's foam. Right. That's a cappuccino, that's a gigantic cappuccino, you fat fuck. I... Right. Right.

Absolutely. So I need a nine to five or something. Yeah, what are you gonna do? What's your method of survival? You live here now? Yeah. And how much do I... I'm good for like November.

Good till November. All right, one of my favorite, white cleft, Sean songs. You could always hijack ships. That's a jo- that's out there. Yeah, good or some all, you know, bomb a little bit, make a little cash, come back. I am. Make them call me. I am come back. I am make them call me. I

Yeah, go down there make them call me. Yeah, I am the cappuccino now So what's your what are your skills? What could we possibly hire you for? If there's a lot of you know the economy here in Austin's booming, how long have you lived here? Uh, like two months. Okay. Uh, I, I'm a people person. I could small talk. People person.

I bake bread. I could cook well. Okay. Like I'll cook the shit out of vegetables. I mean, any which way? Burb block. All type, all types of sauces. Dark, light rou, whatever you want. Why types of sauces, dark, light

rou, whatever you want. Why'd you say the dark one first? Because I don't. It's a real feast here with you. Chocolate croissants. It's Austin. Black coffee. I don't see a lot of black people anymore,

so I have to think of black people to feel like I'm black. Now you know how de-madness feels. Yeah. Thank you. You're welcome, de. Oh! I see that. Okay.

What else? Other than cooking, give us another skill or talent. I'm trying to figure out. I was getting like $500 a month from standup before I moved here. That was a skill. How are you doing that? Gigs just you know like Thursday No over Ohio Kentucky, Indiana, okay, you know driving. Yeah, that's probably not gonna happen. Yeah, it's not I don't yeah. Yeah. Is there anybody hiring out there any business owners hiring clap your hands? Come on who needs vegetables? Cooks God damn it. I've done these shit cooked out at our anybody hiring out there any business owners hiring? Clap your hands. Come on, who needs vegetables?

Cook, God damn it. I've got sales. I've done these shit cook down at our vegetables. Somebody out there needs it. I have two-dirt math. Not right now. Oh, I'm switching gears. All right, Hans's mom.

We say what's going on over here. I did go to CUMON for like 10 years. You went to what? CUMON. What's that? It's like some math learning place. It's just extra homework. That's just what it is.

It's a lot of Asian people gathering to make their kids do more homework. That's... Wow. Some people know what it is. They didn't have that in Youngstown. Right? Yeah, definitely not. You are correct.

Quite the opposite. Okay, well I guess we're not going to find you a job. One more time, any business owners out there? Clap your hands. Wow, no one... No one looking for a Somali Burista. It gives away discounts to people that should get them. Yeah. This is real.

That's a real glimpse of Texas, everybody. For those of you watching on the internet, there are guaranteed so many business owners here right now. What do you do for a living, sir? How many counts? You're a huge ass-lite. Did you hear that, Paz? I am so huge!

We took a sentence and no one here. I don't have any employees. We started with this place. I Don't have any employees Started with the first alphabetical fake job you can come up with I am an art bark. I mean an accountant Holy shit. That's what I love about Texas. You don't get extra points for affirmative action. That is true. We don't need you guys. That is, that is, that is true. Love it. I'm looking at our sponsors here. I can't work for Connect Mobile Health

because they're nurses. You can't work for Austin Pools because you can't swim. I can't. Hey. No. Tony, what does that mean? I don't even know what to sap me. Okay, now that's racist right, man. That is wrong. Well, Halima, sign up for the show again.

You're very, very funny. You're leaving here with a big joke book. Cool as fuck with an alien on it. Mother ship theme. The bones, the eye of the great bones, eye. Halima, it's coming at you. Halima. All right, I'll hand it to you. There you go. Oh, yeah, great stuff, Halima. Have a one more time for Halima app cheer, everybody. That's what it's all about. Okay, now this is very exciting. I pulled your third name out of the bucket

and there is an eye next to it in parentheses, which means this bucket pull is inside of the room, ladies and gentlemen, this is one of you representing you, the audience. Usually it's a first timer. Let's see what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen Miguel Gonzalez everybody how about that? Oh

Shit we met this guy during the commercial break. Oh My god, we're in trouble now. Hey, what up everybody Opening line, it was all the all-ey! I could do his entire 60 seconds right now. Yeah, let's get Mike Fini another drink whatever he's having hell yeah All right, one more time for your very own Miguel González Merry old Miguel González! Oh my god! Hi everybody!

So I nickname my booty hole Shrek, because I stay having swamp ass. Just like Shrek, he doesn't want anyone in his swamp. But just like Donkey, my lady refuses to listen and tries to stick a finger in there. But we all know in the end though, Shrek ultimately loves Donkey's company and there's even sweet sequels. That is it. Alright. Dude, what the fuck? Four, four, four!

What the fuck was that? 20 seconds of your butthole Shrek hybrid jokes? Yeah. Written on a full-length napkin? Yeah. Where were you when you wrote that? How's that work? I don't know when we buy tickets, like 20, like two months ago?

Two months ago you wrote that, you wrote 20 seconds of material. Two months ago and you're like, with a laughter, this will be good. In my head. This will be 60 seconds for sure. Yo. These people have no idea. Funny, shrek, and butthole are combined Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, so wait what Paul what'd you just say to this guy?

Oh, yeah, put the microphone up to your mouth. Yeah, yeah, so when I wrote this I had it like I was gonna say it slower But I'm up here. I'm nervous and I just ran right through it. That was never gonna be a minute You actually sped through that. Yeah, that would have never been. Yeah, that is great. Very nervous being up here. I can't imagine how wet your ass must be right now. I mean, knowing with a little bit that we know about you and the situation that you're in, right?

This is what there has been bad. Yeah, that's crazy, because it is autumn right now. Yeah. No doubt about it. Where do you live Miguel? 40 minutes outside of Los Angeles. You performed at the Ontario Unimpov. Yes, Ontario is the answer. Okay, very good. When I say on turrets, always cut a good Canadian. No one thinks you're Canadian. Canadian. Canadian. Canadian. Canadian. Canada We don't write that into that at Canadian right that on that And from Canadian

Canadian I had to jump the wall to get here My parents did you what my parents did your parents did absolutely Yeah, did they ever tell you that story of Honestly, they didn't jump if they drove right across. Oh, okay You had a shout out to the border patrol. Yes Thank you so much. Oh, incidentally. That's my cousin border patrol your cousins in the border patrol What do your parents think about that? They don't really care. Right.

They let them in. He opened the door. Exactly. Exactly. He's the door guy. Yeah. Yeah. What do you do for work, Miguel?

I drive big rigs. You what? I drive big rigs. Okay. That's where that swamp ass is coming from. Exactly. Exactly. So you wrote that two months ago, and you've kept it

on that napkin the entire time? No, I wrote this in the hotel. OK. But it's been in my head since, yeah, those two months. You had it memorized. Kind of. And in the hotel, you're like, give me a napkin. I knew I was going to completely forget it.

So I was like, I'm'm gonna need to write this down. Yeah, yeah. Okay, what do you do for fun? Tell us a fun fact about your life, McGill. I used to play hockey, but I love going to concerts. That's my thing. You used to play hockey? I used to play hockey.

No, just like an old-mate, though, not professional, obviously. Oh, definitely. Yeah, yeah, obviously. This guy gives us a bunch of information. We don't need Ontario. You'll never believe it. California, not Canada. Yes, I played hockey, not professionally.

Yeah, obviously. Wow. Unbelievable. Golly? No, forward. Okay. And you played hockey. How did that go for you?

How did you learn hockey? Uh, throw a friend. He just kind of, I wanted to go watch him. And then it was cool watching him. He told me to buy all my gear so I did. And that is so weird. Normally Mexicans hate ice. Ah. Yeah.

That's great. That's great. Yes, it was. Absolutely. So other it was, absolutely. So other than hockey, you have any special skills or talents or anything like that? No, just hockey. What's your love life like?

Coalfront over there. Is that the orange hair Roman? That's her hair. Orange hair, OK. Yeah. Very interesting. Did she prepare material for this? No.

No chance, right? Absolutely not. No. So did you run that Shrek material for this? No, no chance, right? Absolutely not. So did you run that Shrek material by her? No, I really, but kind of my brother, but no. She's saying no aggressively. No, not really, no. So you didn't know that when he got up here, he was going to point right at you and tell everybody that you play with his swampy ass.

You didn't sign off on that? Oh, that was new to you too. We're all on this together. How about that? Oh yeah. I like that. How long have you two been together? Well, 15 years?

Wow. Look at that. You guys have kids? No. No. Why do you say it like that? I don't want kids. You said it like you're from Ontario, Canada. No it like that? I don't want it. We want it. You're from Ontario Canada. No, no, no, no, no, we don't want any none

Okay, what do you do you have a pull-out method? Plan B plan B. You just have her taken a bunch of plan B. No, I mean pull out for the most far bow and I do Yeah, dude. What kind of Mexican are you you play hockey and you don't want kids? Never heard of that, my life. Oh, that is incredible. Yeah, opposite of a Mexican. I guess you should talk a lot for that, trust me. This plan B thing is so interesting to me,

because I don't hear that very often. That's not like a normal thing. That, hey, sometimes I do, sometimes I don't. Plan B. How many times do you think you've had this poor woman take Plan B? At least one to a month. To months? A month?

Have you... There's gotta be like, this weekend, clearly this weekend. He's going like, cut it out. Have you guys ever heard of birth control? Yeah. She was on it, but you could take it less than once a month. She was on it, but she just got off of it. Wow.

This poor lady is so good. Why are you going shut the fuck up? This is incredible. No, it's not at all. This is unbelievable. You get this plan B from just a local drug store. Do you get it illegally sent in from Mexico? Costco plan parenthood. What is it? Costco. I'm a new least 12 to 24

Costco has plan B for real. Oh, that membership just went up like a mole. Yeah. For this room. They take it up with a forklift and I get on a pallet. I don't know what the hell's going on with this Plan B, but God damn. You ask for the Mexican size. The Mexican. Plan B.

Plan B. Miguel Mexican. Plan B. The Mexican. Miguel, any other fun facts about you before we let you go? No. That's bad. How does it feel up here? It is. I can't even dream of this.

I can't. I don't know. This is just wild to me. Yeah. You know what? You know what? Yeah. You know what? Your performance was so You know what? You know what?

Your performance was so good. I'm going to let you come inside of your girlfriend. You're going to be playing C tonight, girl. Here's a little joke. There you go. You're going to be taking a play at C tonight, girl. Take a play at C. There you go.

It's one more time for the inside zone, the Galgonsales, everybody. He was heckling during the commercial break that we took, by the way, little fun fact, and it's always fun to see how those that heckle end up doing on stage when they get up here. And that was a perfect example, 20 seconds of absolute fucking sludgy, wet, underwear material by the Galganzales. And you never know who you're going to get out of the bucket. absolute fucking sludgy wet underwear material by Nagell Gonzalez. And you never know who you're gonna get out of the bucket.

We found your next comedian out of the bucket just a few months ago. And immediately he was the fastest ever comedian from Bucketpool to regular after only one performance. His next performance his first time as a regular was at the 10 year anniversary show where he famously said that he's not retarded but he loves rocks which over I believe 500 million people have heard about since then. He's an absolute sensation we fucking love him. from the future, Camp Patterson, everyone. -♪ -♪ Whoo!

I love you, too, bitch. So, I'm getting money now, and that's pretty cool. You know what I'm saying? Get money pretty cool. But I gotta pay taxes. So, you know what money now and that's pretty cool. You know what I'm saying? Get money pretty cool. But I gotta pay taxes. So you know what that means, right? I'm going to jail. Fuck, we're real now, but I had a regular job, right? They'll take the money out for me and they give me one money

back in the end of the year. That's beautiful. Now that I'm a comedian, they give me all the money. Tell Uncle Sam, come get that shit back in blood, nigga, fuck you, you, right there. But what's crazy about my life right now is that I gotta start real YouTube comments because I get a lot of good ones. And I said y'all look great,

but some of the mean ones that just hurt the whole. Like I had a really good comment and the right under was really bad. I'm a really good comment. So I think Cameron Patterson and Youngstar is gonna be greater comedy. And then he also said, I also think he gonna be a great father real shit, I also think he gonna be a great father.

Real shit. I also think he gonna be a great father when he had kids. And the comment right under it said, I completely disagree. That's how a time camp had a pretty safe time. Amazing. That is how it is done. A brand new minute

partner ready for campatter. What's up? We're game, body. Come on, that game, body. We outside. We're doing it. What's up? Hey, what's up? Kill them. All right, hey, what's up, we two, baby. Super white man, how you doing? Oh, man. Just the whitest thing I'll ever burn.

That's beautiful. With the opposites, bro. 100% yeah. We got them right, we are. Hell yeah. Damn, I like you a good dude. Bro, thanks, man. That's that super-route. That was it.

No. No, bro, he can help you with those taxes. Yeah, I know, man. You can help me with those taxes. I know a guy. I know a guy. We got the count over here in the crowd too, right there. Right there.

Dunnoin' the business though, Dunnoin' it. You know what I want to be in this? My daughter needs your help, fuck nigga, what was you at? I will listen to it. I love it. So you don't have an accountant yet. No, no, no. What's the name of your firm, Mr. Real Accountant Guy?

Oh, you don't have a firm. Oh, who would it guess? What the fuck? He got a Subaru. He got a Subaru. He does drive a Subaru's friend just threw him under the bus. He did shit himself. Oh, no, oh shit. Oh, God. Camp Patterson with another fantastic minute, and it's true. You are making money now, you're doing it. I know for a fact that, you know, you were just in LA all week taking meetings

with all the biggest agencies in the world. I mean, the really big deal, they are all literally right now. Competing, lying to Cam Patterson about what they can do for him. It was funny because I always wanted to be an athlete when I was a kid, such an ad like I was on like a recruitment and so I was like, I want me to play for a USC, no problem, I can do that, most of them, you know what I'm saying? Yeah, it is a lot like that day there.

So tell us about it, how it wasn't. It was cool, I mean it was cool everybody was talking to me and she was really nice. Oh, I did, I just did Phoenix with David. Nice. That was dope. I fucked the bodybuilder later. Oh, you did. Yeah, did Phoenix with David. Nice. That was dope. I fucked the bodybuilder later. Oh, you did.

Yeah, that was pretty fucking crazy, though. Yeah, I told us about it. It was scary because I didn't know if she was a lady for real at first. So I had to go to her Instagram and scroll through some pictures and understand and find out what she was before. And she was a lady, 100%.

But like, 30 seconds in, we were fucking, she was like, I was all fucking a missionary. And she thought I was trying to choke her, but I was just feeling for it. Adam's apple, cut. That's a smart move. Yeah. That's a smart move.

That's a smart move. Yeah. That's a good move. That's a smart move. Yeah. That's a good move. That's a good move. That's a good move. That's a good move.

Because you get out 30 seconds in, my nigga. You good? That's not gay. That's not gay at all. But it's like a man. You do a whole minute. You get it. Fuck.

Uh, man. She was indeed a little and I liked it. Had a good time. Wow. Yeah, yeah. She had out, too. Yeah, you was a dope little. Uh, She had out too, man. You was a dope lady, huh? So she was very strong. She was strong.

She was. Did she use... She was a strong get fuck. No. Did she use any of this strength in the bed with you? She beat me up. Ha, ha. Hey, she beat me up, fuck.

You're spilling me up. I'm like, we all have a good time! I'll really enjoy myself, you know what I mean? I like Scrawl bitches now, they cool. Scrawl bitches cool, yeah? Oh, Mr. Scrawl bitches. Oh my God, I... Oh, I forgot how much I love hosting the show. Oh my god.

I forgot how much I love hosting the show. You weren't even going to mention the fact that she picked you up. Had I not asked that question? Oh, I'm pressing that shit on my embarrassing thing. What part was it? Were you like... What was the ambitionary? You're all fucking back! They're all fucking back. You're all fucking back, bro.

She's bench-pressing. Oh, I'm back! She's bench-pressing. I'm trying to see it. I'm trying to see it. Like, I'm trying to see it. I'm trying to see it. I'm trying to see it.

She looks like Superman up there, you know? Yeah. I don't have so much of a good- Oh, this is pretty dope. Oh, it's gonna be, it's pretty Superman up there. Yeah. I don't have so much of a good, oh this is pretty dope. It's gonna be, it's pretty cool, man. Wait, can I ask, I really have serious questions. Like when we say strong, you say bodybuilder, she like yoked like that she had boobs

or she have all muscles. No, she had boobs, but she had, have you seen the rock? Like the rock? Yeah, I've seen it. Yeah, that's it, man. With kiddys. And ladies who look like that, that Jack. Yeah, that one, that being, but you know it. Yeah, that's it, man. With titties. And ladies, you look like that Jack.

Yeah. That one, that being. Yeah, but she was yoked. She looked up there, bro. She looked up there, bro. She had got there. What did Mrs. Bush do right here? Trapse.

Trapse. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. I've seen that. I've just seen her titties. All I saw with titties. All I owned titties.

Perfect. Now, were they real? Yeah, they were fake tinnis. Fake tinnis. Yeah, the bodybuilders tend to have the fake tinnis. Could you feel like the peck muscle underneath there? Nah, I was sucking on the bitch's thigh. I'll tell you that, man.

Absolutely. Got some muscle milk coming out of that. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Getting that protein for the day. Little baby cam getting men. Ha-ha-ha- min. 24 grams, did it? I love it.

So did she spend the night at your hotel? Oh, she got a forgot a shoe to cam with. All right. She was a game plan. What's your, I thought what would all shout out to you, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. Did it feel different?

No, I was busted. It was different. It was a muscular. No, no, no, no, no. It was a tighter. Wasn't muscular. Nah, nah, nah. Pussy, ill. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. I know pussy. Yeah, did you go down on her at all? Fuck no. Nah, she would have killed me. Nigga, what the fuck? Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Ah! I think she would have murdered me, though. Like those video of the women that squeezed the watermelon between their eyes.

She would have done it. How it came that will brain damage, nigga. Yeah, no. Oh my goodness, unbelievable. So you and David Lucas did Phoenix together. Yeah, you guys went out black to black. That's fun. What was that stand up live?

No, the tip amp, bro. Okay. Another one of the best comedy clubs in the country. Yeah, that's your dope. I really enjoyed it. Not better than this. This is the best place in the world. You feel it now? Yeah.

Definitely dope, though. We good time. Good time. We're gonna have fun this week, Philly. Yeah, my mom's coming. Oh, I love it. To Philly. This is the first time she's doing a theater. That's gonna be amazing. Does this week, Philly. Yeah, my mom's coming. Oh, I love it. To Philly?

It's her first time seeing me do a theaters. That's gonna be amazing. Does she live in Philly? No, no, she's based, she fights, and she based out of Philly, so she won't be there. Nice, that's great. I love it. I always love meeting your family members,

there's always a lot of them that come to the shows. Yeah, my dad got 12 buttons and sixes, though. So they live everywhere. Yeah. So he like, you know what I mean? You're cousin, you got to call. I ain't seeing things, I all. So they live everywhere. Yeah. So you're like, you're gonna be a cousin, you gotta call. I ain't seeing things, I was three. You feelin' that? Yeah.

I don't know me, nigga. But it's cool, I fuck with it. Did your mom have a lot of siblings, too? Nah. She's a flight attendant, huh? Very interesting. How is she always done that, your whole life? Oh, yeah.

So she's busy, a lot gone. Yeah. Interesting. And what's your relationship like with her? Oh, it's just my mom who's like that? You feelin' that? She a white lady at heart, but we like that. No, that's interesting.

That's very interesting. When you say she's a white lady at heart, what exactly do you mean by that? I'm like a white lady, you feelin' that? Ooh. OK. I don't know how this happened with me, but you know. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Talked like a white lady, but I love it.

We like that my mom, we feel the same. Hey, my, we on TV. Ah, how sweet. Oh, and David Dallam said, National Television Bitch. Ha, ha, ha. I love that. That is so cool.

So she's going to be there in Philly, and then we go to Youngstown, and then Cincinnati. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very fun, very exciting stuff. What else is going on? Anything else you have coming up that you want to plug? Oh, shit, I'm doing the Hollywood improv of Ibertoon A.F.

That'd be cool. Hey, hey, that'd be dope. Yeah, awesome. And that's awesome. And the shirt, the shirt's her flying. Wow, she looks demonic. Eleven, where looks demonic. 11 where was? Uh.

It's just a random pale heckler in the audience asking Cam if he still has his rock, everybody. There he is. Shut the fuck up. I'll stone your ass, nigga. Oh, he does have rocks on him. There they are. There they are, the very famous rocks. Absolutely. A whole pocket full of them.

Yeah, this one from Alaska. What you thought? From from. Buddy, where I'm from with people, where I'm from with people have rocks in their pockets, they're trying to kill themselves. That's usually how that goes. They walk right into the river with rocks in their pockets. What the fuck? Where is you down? Oh, that's terrifying. Yeah, yeah. You don't have to worry about it, I feel like.

It's great. It's great. Yeah. Cam, do you know what a swim? Yeah, it's one hell of a- Yeah, per- When I was a kid, mom, she used to throw me to the water, let me drown.

Oh, she really is a white lady, you know? Yeah. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- Superstar, I mean it's unbelievable the caliber of comedy that you do every week so fucking fun Unbelievable the man the myth alleges there he is We're gonna have more fun later make some noise one more time for camp Patterson everybody come on Alright Okay, I do believe this guy's been on the show a few times back in the days. Back, here's a new minute from Connor Knut. Everybody, Connor Knut.

Here we go. Here he is. Mixed in his foot, Connor, everyone. Whoa, shit, what's up, Mother Shoe? Hell yeah. I'm in a good mood. I had a one night stand this weekend. And yeah, I got the awesome compliment.

I woke up in her bed in the next morning. She was like, Connor, gotta be honest with you. Last night, that was really impressive. You're the first man to make me have an orgasm for missionary position. And y'all, I gotta be honest, that shit fixed 90% of my mental health issues guys that So all sunshine and rainbows up here do that ladies if your man's going through a hard time just say that you know Even if you're lying, we're not gonna follow up. You're good Yeah, I

Was so happy I left her place first thing I did when I got home as I took the toast around my bathtub And then I called my therapist and told him he's fired. He never told me shit half that dope, dude. It's just good to have a nice pause of hookup. Like, one night stands are always a bad idea. A few weeks ago, I did this, tried the same thing. To come this girl for raspy voice, thought it'd be all right. No, it felt like I was fucking Steve O from Jackassass. Alright, that's my time, well thank you guys. Why? Why did it feel like you were Steve-O from Jackass?

It just had a really raspy voice. Like, I kind of joke into, like, I was trying to be sexy with her. Like, I was hitting it from behind. I was like, hey, you like that? And she just turned around and went, yeah, dude, like, kind of felt like fucking like that. Alright, that's a, I guess that's a, uh, Steve O'Empression, all right, Connor.

Welcome. Welcome to the show. How are you? I'm good, how are you, Tony? Good. How long you been doing stand-up for? Two and a half years now. Two and a half years, all of it here in Austin.

Yes, sir. How's it been going for you? Been going great, man. Yeah, what's going on with it? Tell us some highlights. Let's see, uh, hosting for Craig Gas this weekend. I've got started my own show this year. I've been doing that monthly at a Roscoe's on the east side.

At a Roscoe's? Yes, sir. Is that a chicken and waffles place? It's a behind via 313. It's the new club in town. OK, another new comedy club. Yes, sir. Amazing.

OK, how do you make your money, Connor? I work at a local boot store on South Congress. Boot store? Yes, sir. OK. Is it Allens? It's down the block. It's called Heritage.

Oh, I love Heritage, please. I'm a regular customer, there. Do you know that? Yes, Kimber talks about you. That's right. Kimber's the shit. It's actually Burr. I got my wallet as well.

Look at this. Yeah. Custom may, there's a skull. And a dollar sign on a coffin. And it's red on the inside. Oh, it's filled with credit cards and cash. Yeah. Customay, there's a skull and a dollar sign on a coffin and it's red on the inside. Oh, it's filled with credit cards and cash. Anyway, so let's talk about a Connor. How's Austin treating you?

What do you do for fun? What do you do for fun? I go to a lot of concerts here. Okay. Just saw a Vengem full. A lot of metal and rock shows. So I saw a Vengem full. Yeah. Oh wow. A lot of Vengemple, a lot of metal and rock shows, so I saw a Vengemple. Yeah. Oh wow, a lot of Vengemple fans that wet asses.

Yeah. Yeah, like the coolest thing I'd say, like I've gotten from like working in an ice work of Vulcan if you remember. Yeah. It's got to see KISS there a year ago for Formula One. It was like a private show, so I got paid to see that. Amazing. Yeah, amazing. Okay, so tell us something exciting about your life. ago for Formula One was like a private show so I got paid to see that. Amazing. Yeah.

Amazing. Okay, so tell us something exciting about your life. You see all the energy of a glass of water. So we're trying to figure out. Yeah, I don't know. I just do a lot of fun, go to a lot of fun events. Like I just went to like the Stroze game in Houston. Yeah, we're getting our ass kicked right now.

We're not going to the world. Okay, so let me let's talk about this Conner. You're talking about a bunch of things that get like natural applause breaks from the audience. You know, hey, I like breathing oxygen. Anybody else? Support the troops and yeah, yeah, anybody like Pasta Who likes to pop? John Barry.

So, okay, but what I'm asking is like what's something personal to you like something interesting about you? Connor. Um, I Can't play the guitar. I just spent a lot of my life doing that. You can play the guitar Really? Can you really play the guitar? Yes, sir. What do you do when you play the guitar? Do you sing? No, I'm not very good. So, like, if, if, let's say that there's a girl that you really liked and there was a guitar plugged in, you would just play the guitar? Mm-hmm. Like, I, I mean, you would sing? No, I mean, I don't sing very well. No, like, for her, if it's like, like, I would never perform sing, but if it was like, around for a girl, maybe,

if I like this song was in the right key. Are you really good at guitar? I can play some of the difficult songs, yes. Really? Yes. Matt, what do you think? Do you think this guy could play a difficult song? Is what?

Is what? OK. All right. Matt says, Conner's a homie. How many of you want to hear Conner play guitar here in the live music capital of the world? Let's see what happens here. And it can't be less interesting.

Right, you know. Exactly. Anything is better than him answering questions. So. It'll one word answer. Yeah. It's got six strings to deal with here. So let's see what happens here.

His last name is nut, everybody. So N-U-T-UT, can't make that up. It is without a doubt the funniest thing about him. And here he goes. He has the hair of a guy that can play guitar. He has the build of a guy that can play guitar. I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna go home, I'm gonna impressed. You gotta do better than that. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Okay, there you go. Finger it. It seems like finger it you fag it. It seems like you was losing a guitar hero.

Yeah, it's like it's like if this was guitar hero it'd be like ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah's incredible, but you know what I mean? So it's okay, and it's all right. I mean, you gave it your all, I think. It could be your all, there's D's.

The band tried to back you up, they tried to protect you, but so Connor, here we are, we're finding out all the things that you're not good at. Is there anything else that you think you're good at that you're not good at? Let's go through the whole rig, I'm our role here. Can you kind of jump rope? I'm going to jump. I'm sorry, jumping this mic, Sam.

What do you think your third biggest talent is? I almost said comedy. What's first, the... It's Hoshan. I just got a question and I kind of freeze on the shit. Selling boots. I'm selling boots man. Indeed. Well, I think what we learned here is that those boots are made for walking.

There he goes, Connor Knight. You've got a joke book before, right? No, this is my first time. Never? All right, there you go, my friend. Boom, Connor Knight, everybody. And the beat goes on. Did we get some yet? Oh, there it is.

That's sweet. All right, this looks like an interesting name. Let's see what happens. Are you guys still having fun out there, huh? Anything can happen. You know, our next regular, a golden ticket winner could be right around the corner. Or you end up with a con or not. You know what I mean? Anything can happen.

Alright, your next comedian out of the bucket. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Gent Jones, everyone. Gent Jones Gent Jones here we go the beat goes on With Gent Jones yes This is my very first time on Killtoni and I'm excited to be here I ain't gonna lie. I didn't expect to get called have my mind set to set my alarm Like let me tell only taking between me and the next guy so I can go step outside I didn't go lie, I didn't expect to get called. I had my mind set to set my alarm. Like, let me see how long they'd take in between me

and the next guy, so I can go step outside. That didn't happen. I got called up right away. I'm like, oh, shit, this is it. This is fucking it. No, thank you. Let's talk about the elephant in the room. I got a disability on my left side, as you can see.

It's crazy how it happened. Happened in middle school. I feel like I was a threat, and God was like, give that nigga a kryptonite. I was fucking Superman. I was a minutes, he knew I was gonna be a minute. So with that, it makes dating hard because I came to fam my girl for getting to a scrap because when that shit happened and we get jumped, we get jumped. I got a strong right but a weak love.

Once they catch that baby that's it. You better run and get home. If you can, call 911. They may come looking for me, depending on your description. But tell them, no officer, the phone call was made for me. It is them over there. You know, they, you know, I'm buying it in nowadays. Green hair and tattoos. But yeah, that's my that's my time y'all

Okay, Jen So what exactly is the restriction there? What is that what happened to you? I had a brain tumor in middle school going into this thing. It was a seven grade Right, it was crazy. I was about to play sports get on basketball They're like fuck plants have changed. Oh my goodness. So, were you able to, is it, what's the restriction? Can you lift it up? What is it? Does it just kind of stay stiff like that? Let me throw something at you. I'm stiff because I'm on stage, but I work at the fucking airport. I throw bags. Wait, you met me? What did you say? I said it's stiff now because I'm on stage,

and I work at the airport, that I can give you an answer. I can throw bags. You throw bags at the airport? I work for American Airlines, so. Oh, that's why my bags end up going missing all the time. Oh, no, sorry, sorry. If my job is working, it's all gone. If you're not, who is that?

I never took it back. If my job is working, it's all gone. I throw a place your bags until the plane will care. Oh, my goodness. That is incredible. Every other bag. Yeah. Oh yeah, every other bag, isn't it?

But if it's Tony's bag, special treatment. What did you do? Holy shit. So when you get nervous, it kind of stiffens up. That's the crazy thing, bro. It stiffens up all the fucking time. I can't even spit gang while it's stiffened up. I gotta come up with something.

Wow. So if a police officer's like, put your fucking hands up right now. Obviously. It's the best I can do. I'll tell you one funny story. I got pulled over by the cops with my friends one time. We said, opian. Sure, I can't.

Yeah. Do you try to explain it as fast as you can? I had a brain tumor when I was seven. Please don't fuck a joke. Oh, every time. Because they don't want to hear it. Right. While I'm talking, they placing me in the car.

I'm like, all right, here's the story. Yeah. Yeah. Unbelievable. So wow. Because you look like Chappelle Lacey with MS That's what you look like. That'll be even funny if I knew who that was You don't know Chappelle Lacey. I'm a little so young. That's okay. You got to look them up. That's all right

You're your comedian so you got to be a student of the game go look up Chappelle Lacey's great I study days ago Cal Williams, Richard Pryor, Patrice O'Neill, God bless his soul. Yeah, yeah. There's more than four, but... Yeah. Yeah, my bad, there's Bill. Yeah, that's Bill.

Well, look up. You guys, that's Bill Bertu. He's hilarious. I love Bill Bertu. What, why can't? Trust me, you're gonna like Chappelle A.C. I'm gonna look him up just for you. You look just like him.

Thank you. That's not racist. It's very similar to him. Is it the Racine Hairline? Is that what it is? No, I don't think he has a Racine Hair. You have a soft eyes, you have a nice smile. All right.

Soft eyes. We got soft eyes. Maybe he's soft. Take notes. You look like a kind soul. You look like a person. I'm the guy you can bring home to your parents. Right.

But I was so worried that get you fired up this arm right here could be a fucking death hammer. Yeah. You know what I mean? You know what's crazy? You sat down. You know what I'm doing. You know what I'm doing, boy?

You trying to masturbate? I tried to sent the new one my love. It didn't go as planned. Are you a lefty? It's like doing it with a stranger. I ain't go love. Can you write? Are you a lefty or are you a righty?

I was trying to be dual. What they call dual? Ambidextrous. Yeah, I was trying to be dual, what do they call dual? Ambidextrous. Yeah, I was trying to do that when I was younger, but... And then God took you down for trying to do that. I was like, hey, hey, hey, I don't do miracles. I'll take a punishment.

Yeah. It's all good. Can you jerk off with the hand? I can place it on the object and attempt it. What's your love life? Like, do you have a girlfriend? Just good boy. I have tried dating.

It doesn't go as planned, especially when they don't know if my dick can work. I got to explain it to them all the time. Right. You're like, I have two stiff things. That's OK. Well, it's not. Look, it can just stiff, but you know,

but I always explain with this two egg and two berries. I can still pop cherry. So I'm still slaying, but I never got that close to an opportunity to put it down. So I just, you know, waiting patiently to my time come. Absolutely. Speak your version. Is that what you think? You're openly admitting you're a member.

You don't want to even know that story. Yeah, we do. Yes, we do. That's the only thing I want to know. What are you talking about? Leave with that. Since we own live, I'll put it like this. I got some sympathy pussy.

Okay, let's talk about it. Go ahead. It was an older woman at a bar. Older woman at a bar. I was struggling spitting. I was struggling in spitting game. Yeah. She didn't care to know my name,

and I was wanting to let her another and child, I saw it, I met your mother. I'm not believable. My goodness. No, I wrapped it up so I don't have a kid that listens to the condom. How much older was she? How old are you? I ain't got a lot of next age.

But she was up to, like, 60s. Oh, no, no, no, she wasn't grand, but she was up to, she was, like, 50s. Yeah, probably. Sorry, mom and dad. Hey, have you ever, you have any other, like, hobbies or anything like that? I like editing photos and videos and I like, I like,. Sorry, mom and dad. Hey, have you ever, uh, any other, like, hobbies or anything like that? I like editing photos and videos, and on my spare time, like I did today.

I like to... Hey, if you worked with videos, I would, I would guess that you'd be one of the, uh, tripods that, uh, hold up. You know what's crazy? I said I like editing videos, but I can't hold a camera for shit if you already know why, but yeah, I do have a camera though I thought you said I can't hold a candle You better not with them That's what I can blow it out I blow out a candle. Yeah, I do make birthday wishes. Hey goodness, what else are you into?

What else do you do for fun? I like to go on walks. Like all the time, like three miles. Oh, yes. Three mile walks, it's possible. I'm trying to lose weight. This is my come-up period. It's my winter arc, as we call it, on TikTok.

I'm trying to get my body in shape. So with summer hit, I can sling that dick. Right, right. I don't think that's the only thing you need to sling for I love it Jen very very interesting how long you've been doing stand-up again I've been doing it on and off for quite a while but I actually took it seriously when I came here to Austin when was that like last year I was like fucking I'm sorry to stand up when I came here to Austin. When was that? Like last year. I was like, fuck it, I'm sorry, I don't stand up again.

I was scared to do it because, you know, Council Culture got big. Everybody get an attack left from right, Twitter was fucking huge. Well, if anybody's gonna tell you, it's something left in the right, it's the right that they would attack the team. Yeah, the right and the right.

I will, you know. The moment Elon Musk took over Twitter, I'm like, oh shit, it's my chance. I'll win for it. Yup, because no one knows about hating the left wing more than you. Dressed in your nose. They never had my back.

Gen Jones, welcome to Kilt Tony. Honestly, normally I give you a little joke book, but I just want to see if you can catch the top two. I'll do that. All right, boys. You guys ready? little joke book, but I just want to see if you can catch the joke. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that. You guys ready? Gen Jones.

Yeah. The place goes wild. The energy here is amazing. One more time for Gen Jones, everybody. Give him a hand. Perhaps a left hand. He needs one really badly. Yeah, of course.

Gent Jones, everybody. Come on. One more time for Gent, everyone. All right. We're getting through it here. This is an interesting name. I met this person's funny. I could totally be wrong.

But it's a funny name. I've never heard of before. I could totally be wrong, but it's a funny name. I've never heard of before I would know it if I've seen it makes some noise Let's all watch for the first time together 60 seconds from Dewey Rice Dewey Rice, Jeff Jones to Dewey Rice As it go on everybody So I've come to realize I am way too good at desensitizing myself to stuff. Everybody is these days with all the beheading videos and porn or whatever, but I do it

with real life situations, like jacking off in my car. I had to live in my car for six months and it is disgusting how quick I became okay with that. It was really just one day of me being like, oh, should I do it? What's going on? And then I just squeezed one onto the floor. I rubbed it in like I was putting that as cigarette. And I was like, oh, it's that easy. It's that easy. I also got really good at pissing in bottles. I let those bake sometimes. But yeah, anyways, for work, I do Uber Eats.

I deliver food. Yeah, remember that. Next time you order food, I've got come-kaked carpets and a wine cellar of piss. And they let me deliver y'all's food. So, yeah. Any real quick, a couple's over a lady, a white lady, and he's like, ah, he's filling out his report, what are you, Caucasian?

She says, nah, I'm vagina white. That's bad joke, but. Yeah. Wow, there you go. Gross 60 seconds, followed by a 10 second fucking bad joke. Yeah. Hell yeah, one more time for Dewey Rice. He's a rival on Pilled Sony. Welcome.

This is the world's largest 11 year old boy. He's incredible. You've been surprised how much I get that. I bet. I bet. Actually you were. You were like a giant, giant child. It's unbelievable.

I can picture you like we're walking around in a diaper, all mad for some reason. Do we like how old are you? I'm sorry? How old are you? 23. Just turned 23 years old. What's it like being a 23 year old nowadays?

It's not fun, man. Tell me about it. Well, it's not fun for me. I recently got a, I'm going, I got arrested, I'm going through a bunch of stuff, but I'm good now. Dude, I'm going, I got arrested, I'm going through a bunch of stuff, but I'm, I'm, I'm good now. Dude, I'm going dork dash from now on. I've never gone to a Uber Eats. Yes, yes, yes. Favorite. Costco memberships went up and broke Uber Eats went down. Yeah. My goodness. So what type of trouble with the

law did you get? And what is it? J-walking J walking? I've been awful people's food. What do you mean? That's he probably got caught. You get caught? Say what? No, I, I broke up with my girlfriend and packed up all this shit that I had and was going to take it to my mom's house. My headlight was out and I got pulled over and everything I own happens to include a gun, some weed and a bunch of Adderall. So I...

Oh my God. So hold on a second. So your headlight is out. What gave the officer probable cause to search your car? My car smelled like weed bad. Bad. He said bad. Wow.

Really bad. And you're still employed by Uber Eats? Yeah, I was in, what? Got after this. Right, yeah, exactly. You have literally, Technically I use my buddies, my roommates Uber Eats account.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Yeah. Oh my God. I am employed by DoorDash though, and that was before I got arrested, so it's still can carry us on. So you don't know your dad at all, right?

That's what I'm getting. No, I do, but we got some problems, yeah. Offer, sure, sure, yeah. What kind of problems? What kind of problems do you have with your dad? You just have to have that in the tremendously disappointed. We've had, I shouldn't say that. We were reconnected recently, but he'd

just owned me for about like five years because of weed. We really, yeah, but now he does shrooms and smokes weed, so like it's weird. Yeah, you should disown him. Yeah, yeah, I should. Yeah, you should be like, dad, you were a pussy back then. He was a pussy dad. I don't know where the camera's at, dad if you're watching. Oh, there he goes.

He's leaping you again right now. There he goes. There he goes, dad. There he is. He's out. He's got's at that if you're watching. Oh there he goes. He's leaving you again right now. There he goes Got his back to you and everything Oh, yeah, what's your love life like you have a buble-ish presence to? No, since I broke up with we were I broke up with my girlfriend. We were dating for about four years maybe five and Yes, since then what made you break up with her? She didn't want to move into the car with you What made you dash to with her? What made you... She didn't want to move into the car with you? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, she read band as red band is assuming domestic violence Something like that not on my part, but yeah Are are you okay? Huh are you okay?

Like physically right now you your nose is sweating. I've never seen anybody's nose I true I am seeing the glisten only his nose is sweating It is do you snort the at her own? saying the glisten only his nose is sweating. Oh, his sweat is very interesting. It is. Do you snort the Adderall? I've done that before, but no. Yeah, I haven't done Adderall since I've got arrested. I haven't done any drugs since I've got arrested for legal reasons.

Oh, look who's backtracking on this manifesto performance. What is holding on? I haven't done any drugs, and I don't really come in my car. And I don't piss and bottles. I don't really come in my car and I don't piss and bottles I step outside of the con Really good animal Everything he said is true You know, you do have a, you do have a, but you have a very like, I feel like you could walk into a play right now and be huckfin

The way you know, my wrong about that does he not look like you get stand on a rap? Are fucking crazy What percentage of comedians come out? These are all my fucking thoughts. I don't open to choose. Don't do that with comedy. Look at that. It was raining today, man.

You wasn't going to come out here on my feet. To choose. There's skabs on your feet. Yeah. Put socks and shoes on. It's raining, man. I have one good pair of shoes. I'm not going to wear that while I'm wearing it.

This is the time to wear them. What are you going to wear? I've millions of people. I've been coming here for like three months, and I've not got a call. I was not gonna wear that while I'm wearing it. This is the time to wear them. What are you doing here? I've been a million people. I've been coming here for like three months, and I've not got a call. I was not expecting it, but yeah. You were in Austin for three months? I've been in Austin for like four or five years,

but I've been coming here for three months. What do you mean here? To kill tone trying to sign up for kill tone you for three months. And this was the set you had prepared months ago. Not months, no, this is just like now. Sure, yeah, that checks out. No.

Do you think you did all your best jokes? Do you have a better joke than the ones that you did? I've got some more. I don't know if they're better. I got some more. How many do you think we should hear one more joke from? It's here one more joke. OK, so I used to work at this pizza place, right?

The owner, he was a super weird guy, really fucking weird. I come in one day and he's like, hey, do we? I got this new slow cooker, come check it out. And I'd never heard of a pizza place using a slow cooker. So I go on the back and there's just a kid with Down syndrome fucking pounding on some pizza though. And I was like, Jesus Christ, Josh. Jesus fucking Christ.

Ooh. Oh, some people like it. I mean, what? Jude Law, Jude Law. What? Look at Jude Law in the audience. Just hanging out. You just noticed that right now. Absolutely incredible.

Okay. Wow. How about you have to sit and saw right, you know? Slow cooker and the person that was Very slow. He's name was Josh. He gave my name Wow That wasn't actually his name, but... Wow! Yeah. Is he real person? That was inspired by a real person? Yeah, yeah, he was... Yeah, I'm gonna get into it.

I like what you know, bro. Right, what you know. Oh, and look who it is, everybody! Come out! Austin's newest resident, the great Shane Gillis everyone. I believe that was him. Yeah! Two, one, two.

Whoa. There he is. Ah, he hates your Burkin socks, dude. Yeah. That's what happens. You say Down syndrome three times. Down syndrome beetle juice pops out I know where. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Make some fucking noise. The best stand-up comedian in the world right now, Shay Dillas. The newest resident of Austin, Texas.

Fuck yeah. Do we, uh, congratulations on having your first, uh, appearance on Kiltoni. Since you're off all the hard stuff, we're gonna give you a big bag of zippx nicotine toothpicks. Zip more smoke glass. I smoke a lot of cigarettes. There you go. And here's a little joke book. Andrew Leven with the Joe Blaster as well. There he goes. Dewey. Do we have any bad jokes? He do not. All right. All right, we're gonna go to the bucket one last time. We're in it. You guys still have in fun out there?

All right, your final bucket poll then I goes by the name of Heath Cordes. Everybody here we go We're gonna finish it strong 60 seconds uninterrupted by Heath Cordez everyone here we go here comes Oh shit, okay, yes make some fucking noise for Heath Cordez I feel like I'm the opposite old, but on the outside, I'm just a little boy. And that's because for me growing up puberty was a lot like my father, absent. And so I get asked about my age all the time, how old are you? How old are you? No, I'm not selling you fit, no, how old are you? And it gets annoying having to answer this question all the time.

So over the years, I've started to have fun with it. And I sometimes tell people that I was never born. And that I have been present through all of what has been and what will be. Yeah! Yeah! Woo! Woo! It's taking it! See, I came into existence before the earth and stars, and I will be here on the day they fall,

because I am a joless. But yeah, old enough to fuck your mother Thank you guys Holy shit. Oh my god. This is what this show is all about. Some people fucking, this is what drives me crazy. People say,

I hear this rumor all the time that this bucket is rigged and then I go one last bucket bull, let's see what happens and this fucking monster comes out. This is unbelievable. Holy shit, you are built for this. You are a fucking, you are the fucking Lamborghini of comedians. I mean, holy shit. Wow. You're a star. There's nothing that's gonna possibly stop you. Holy shit. You're really 21?

Yes, sir. I haven't even been doing stand-up comedy. Two years, two years in October. Oh my god. Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck. This is crazy. Wow. All right.

Where do we begin? You live here in Austin? I did. I just moved here a couple months ago. And you did it for stand-up comedy. Yeah. To be at the epicenter of stand-up. Yes, sir.

Oh my God. Wow. And where did you move up. Oh my God. Wow. Wow. And where did you move from? Alabama, baby. Wow. Alabama, fuck yeah. So all it takes is a nephew fucking in on for the staff.

Oh my God. Well, this is wild. Heath Cordez, am I saying that right? Cordist. The white version. I love it.? Cordez, the white version. I love it, I'll never say it wrong again. He cordez, absolutely incredible. Everything is bigger in Texas except for you.

Except for me, man. My God, how much material do you think you have two years in? Like that, I mean, obviously that's your best minute. We let you go extra long. And Red Bandit is finger over the bear. I told him to grow a fucking set of balls. We're gonna let you do whatever you want. So you got to do like a minute 35 or something like that. Because literally nothing can stop you. Thank you. Are your parents two year olds?

Thank you Red Band really good.-year-olds? Say that. Thank you, Red Band. Really good. Really good. I was really waiting for you to jump in and put some intellectual humor into this moment. Thank you. Do you do, do, do, do, do?

You fucking nothing better. All right, try-pot, Tony. Jesus Christ. The tripod joke was great. It's just inside baseball. There's a lot of camera men around the country laughing at that joke. Everyone knows a tripod holds a camera.

It's black and it has three legs. There's a guy at one arm and two legs. The tripod joke was very smart. Didn't hit with his dumb audience, but there's people around the world dying right now, still laughing at the tripod joke. They're not even over yet. They paused and they're still laughing. They're running around the house, laughing at at the tripod joke. They're not even over yet. They paused and they're still laughing.

They're running around the house, laughing at my fucking tripod joke. Okay. So, holy shit. Heath Cordis. A star is born. Oh, so, I mean, oh my god. So, let me just get through some real questions

that I think that the world would want to know about you So are you like still growing? Dude, hopefully fingers crossed man fingers crossed So like do you have like one of those things are like you go against your kitchen wall and like do that Yeah, man, I still got one going I'm not sure. I'm so glad. Yeah, man, I still got one. I'm going.

James did it with seven. I just got that to my- And now I'm putting on my shoes just so I feel better about myself, get a couple inches. Yeah, I'm tall, are you? I could tell people five, you know, four, 11. On a bad day, four, 11. 11, and when's the last time?

How long have you been four, 11? Like since middle school, man, damn. You haven? Like since middle school man, damn. You haven't grown since middle school? No, not really. Has your dick? You are going to say no! You are going to say no! You ain't.

You ain't. Oh my god. You know what? This gig came out. He did a pump fake on that note. You know what? God. This kid came out. He did a pump fake on that note. She's saying that. I'm gonna be kidding. Yeah.

We realized some brilliant tricks. You were in Iran the light, but the only one to crush was something after running the light. Number one. You got a standing o. My mom is six foot tall. I want to watch you fucker. Yeah.

I want you to fucker. I would want to watch you you're like my mom yeah he can eat my mom's pussy standing up oh let's do it right now yeah let's do it miss a sickler come out here I'm a face down she am coming out I cannot imagine how bad her back must be okay so let's talk about your love life a little bit more here Heath. What's going on with it? Do any women believe you at all whatsoever? I gave up on that man. I don't give a fiting. You're going to find, I mean, you're about to be famous as fucking shit. So you're gonna be just fine. Yeah, that was...

That was... One of these gold digging fucking sugar babies is gonna fucking absolutely devour you. Were you on Jared Focal's hard drive? Ha ha ha ha. If it pays, you know, I'll do it. Oh, bye. It was like, oh, is that pick Andy Milanocker? If it pays, you know, I'll do it. Oh, my.

It's like, oh, is that pick Andy Milanoca? Does anybody remember that guy? Oh, my God. Thank you, just this guy. Who weirdly looks like Andy Milanoca, that's right. Wow, it really does. I want to get back into it. Yeah, go ahead, Ryan.

Yeah. You do men pick up on you. Yeah, surprisingly. Like, it gets a lot of time. on you? Yeah, surprisingly. Like it's not surprisingly. Not surprisingly at all, unfortunately. Yeah, only fans if this doesn't work out, that's an option. Do older dudes are coming at you? Yeah, like what do they say to you?

Um, just, just creepy stuff. Not much. When you say I'm 21, they're like, oh, I'm out of here. Yeah, they're out of it. They don't want that. Yeah, they don't want that. Yeah, there goes that boner, that peto boner. Yeah.

Oh, my god. You're a bucket list for a lot of people. Yeah. It's crazy. Every 10 seconds that goes on, I have seven more questions. So we're in a real crazy situation right now. This might be literally the greatest bucket pull of all time. You are such a fucking, and you know what's crazy is that if you came out here and you bombed,

it would have been okay and good too, but you are literally a natural comedian. You're completely present. You are in the moment calm, cool, collected, no sweaty nose, no sweaty asshole. It's like you've done this a billion times. This is absolutely incredible. Did you know that signing up for this show you'd be ahead as long as you got pulled out of the bucket? Have you signed up before?

This is like, I think, my 12th time of signing up. Wow. I got here, July. I visited someone put me on the open mic for a mother ship, and I got a call back, and instantly I knew that I have to move here. I have to do it. So Adam knows you. You know Adam.

Fucking great. Yeah, done seven cruise shows so far. Amazing. Fuck yeah. Absolutely amazing. I can't believe we had no idea about you. Nobody ever tells us anything. Hiding when we find something, we're like,

here you go on a silver platter. No one ever gives us a hot tip. Like, hey, there's the fucking freak of nature of comedies arrived. Thanks, I guess hopefully one day we'll pull them out of a fucking bucket. Well, the fucking thousands of fucking stupid fucking normy bomb ass bombers.

Jesus fucking, Craig, did someone give us a hot tip once in a while? Yeah! We share everybody with the world. We had Dewey for 20 minutes. Yeah, we had Dewey with fucking Dewey. Jesus Christ. I guess we finally found what came out of the car carpet of Do we scar?

It's like keep bored of us. From a four-tourist. So I assume you eat free at most restaurants and stuff. I can do. Dinis I can eat for like three bucks. It's amazing. Awesome dude. It's amazing. Awesome dude. It's amazing.

Do you take the glasses off and just kind of talk? Take them off. Yeah. You look like we're glass off. Oh, dream, weaver. You better get off of it. We can make it through the night. Oh, dream, weaver.

Oh, dream, weaver. Bam, bam, bam. Bam, bam. What out of here, man. This guy's a fucking stud Here we go There you go Okay, question that I'm going to hustle into

What's it like? Have you, do you drink? Have you had a drink yet? Have you been, what is that process like with the bartender? Who's using his fucking mind? So obviously I get ID anywhere I go. Usually though, once I give them my ID, they're cool about it. There was this one bar down six street.

I gave them my ID. They said, fuck it, and they just kicked me out immediately. Oh, right. Did they try to take the ID? Because sometimes- I wish they did. I wish they did. I would have called the cops on those motherfuckers. I was ready. I was ready, man. Yeah. I was ready. Yeah, that's a no-brainer. That's a win-win lawsuit, lawsuit city.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What is like the official thing, what's the curse that's been placed on you? What is it called? The curse? I have no idea. Doctors do you know? You don't know? They don't know? No, I had shitty doctors, dude.

I have no idea. You never got to another set of things. Yeah, you went to an house. He was going to Alabama doctors. AKA the dentist. AKA, they don't have dentists in Alabama. Exactly. It was the gym teacher. I don't know, kid, you're fucked.

So you have no idea why this is happening. No, dude, he's normal looking in Alabama. That's why I know, really. That's wild. And you've never tried to look into it. Yeah, not enough time. No, no, no. We just like, I got a baby face that works for me.

I'm all set. Let me tell you some thing. Down an angle. Let's not do an angle. Yes, you certainly did. You better stay like this, because if you build your whole hour around looking like this, and then you grow up north on your fuck.

That would come stuck two and three months. Yeah, he has the most painful, your whole act, most painful growth spurt of all time. He just spends free months like, Oh! Oh! Most just stretch the- Fuck!

Fuck it! Wow. Wow. Do you have siblings? I do. Are you the only one with the pituitary issues? Yeah, they're all normal. They're normal.

Your parents don't have this? I mean, they're short, but not this short. You know, they're like normal short. Fuck normal. They're all boring as well. Yeah, you're the most interesting one. Yeah. Well, my family.

Well, needless to say, without a doubt, normally, this is the part of the show where it would end and we would move on and go to obviously the guy that closes all the shows, but you are a freak of nature and I want to see more of you. Even though you've only been doing it two years, I do believe that without a doubt, even though we have a lot of them here and we have to rotate them in and fit them in when we can, there's no doubt about it. Pete Portis is and has to be. Absolutely has to happen. Yeah.

And I'm calling it right now just so there's no confusion and traffic doesn't get clunked up for the people that are and doing this and aren't doing that and are on this lineup. We're on that lineup on December 30th at the HEB Center. You will be performing in your first arena. What? Oh my God. Yeah, I'd love to have you on the Secret Show. Ooh, the Secret Show.

Everybody? Oh my God, can you believe it? That's great work. What for you? Oh my God. Oh my God, for rest. And also the Secret Show. Wait a second, the Secret Show. Yes. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. And also the secret show. Wait a second. The secret show.

Yes. Oh my god. Oh, you're going to use him to sell tickets? No. And arena in the secret show. Oh my god. Oh my god. He, you're a fucking freak of nature.

Absolutely. Whatever you want. Here's a big joke book. Oh my god, he, you're a fucking freak of nature Absolutely, whatever you want, here's a big joke book There you go coming at you absolutely The newest golden tigga winner is it's crazy. We have too many of them It's really becoming an issue We might need to start taping to a week and putting out two a week or something like that. See no for missing. Unbelievable. Welcome. Hang out. Let's hang out afterwards. I got to meet you. I'm gonna fuck this shit out of him. Everybody. It's unbelievable. It is just unbelievable. I am gonna throw him around like the bodybuilder did the camp

batter. I was unbelievable. We're gonna have double bottom gay sex. It's gonna be incredible. You imagine him like going to catch a predator or something like that? He would be great. He would be great. We have many more questions and many more opportunities to ask them. He's cornice, just making Killtony history yet again. How crazy is it that he has no idea what is what happened to him or why that is?

It's unbelievable. That's fucking, that would be my sole question in life. What the fuck is going on? 24-7 until a doctor was like it's like reverse jack or whatever it is. You know, like that would be unbelievable. He naturally built comedian. He's owning it. He's fully aware of it, totally funny, totally calm. Are you crying about this?

Oh my goodness, she is. Like, are you overwhelmed or you just were, Mom! Look at that. She's weeping about this man. Yeah. Boy, man, thing, whatever, I don't know. Who didn't know who?

I'm so proud of her. You're proud? Do you know him? No. OK. All right, maybe a little less fucka sodas. But yeah, that's amazing. How about you fuck him?

Will you fuck him? This one. Yeah! It's a fun one. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him. Fuck him.

Fuck him. Fuck him. The friend seems to think it's possible. Can we get a compliment? Will you at least go on a date with him? She's going on a date with him. Oh, my God, the lights are going crazy. He knows on the lights.

He knows when the party's going. This kid's going to kill himself tonight. There is. It's never getting better than this. Oh, no. Oh, no. I think it just started for Heathcourtice. And that's what's amazing, you know? Here you go, you're built for it,

you move from Alabama, let it say 12 signups, moved in July. Believe it or not, your next comedian, a fun fact about him. I don't know if I've even mentioned this on the show before, but he once signed up for every week for nine months in a row before getting pulled out of the bucket for his very first time since then he is the only living member of the Killtoni Hall of Fame.

The regular with the most appearances, the most interviews. Nine months he kept trying week after week after week after week and now he's done it more than anybody. The Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine, will you Montgomery everybody? Shit, last night in the hotel room with him, I was with him, he told me he was 14, so that kind of, I feel a little ripped off about that. Right, he said he was fucking 14, I believed it, he looks 14, okay. So I just finished another installment of Where's Waldo, and I'm starting to think he doesn't exist. John Fetterman, the Pennsylvania senator who wears sweats

and has trouble forming complete sentences that America is inciting its best and brightest to Washington. That's like Satan saying people should be nicer to one another, holy shit. What's the difference between John Federman and Red Band? John Federman actually has an excuse. He had a stroke, Red Band, that's what that was. I recently tried menthol condoms, and I've gotta tell y'all,

they don't taste like you'd expect, but the fiberglass does tickle my pussy. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying.

That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. That's what I'm saying. both sides have fun. Okay, that's my time, Tine. Wow! Wow!

Holy shit, what an episode. What a night. You coming in with another fucking absolute monstrosity of a minute, doing it more than anybody. Not easy to do. William Montgomery. It's so nice to be here. I had my first headlining week and this past week

in in Vegas. It was wonderful. Did 50 fucking minutes, 50 minutes. I didn't think I could do that. And if y'all could tell my voice, I wish I could yell the night, but I'm probably not because I didn't even have my voice at all yesterday. So I'm gonna have to figure that one out, Tony.

I think doing three hours worth of comedy is not gonna work with my voice. So I might, I don't know what I'm even, I'm gonna fucking do and then get stronger. We'll see. And then, Tony, I swear to God, I want to read a text message. So on Saturday night, the second, the next two shows, literally at eight, when I'm walking into the club,

I receive this text message from my father, Larry. It says, let's tell William tomorrow so he won't worry about it during his shows. I swear to God, and then I immediately text him, what? And then he calls me, my grandfather died, Rusty Vance. So, Rustin, peace, Rusty Vance. Rustin' piece, Rusty Vance. Rustin' piece, Rusty Vance.

But it was a nightmare. Eeeeee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee-ee I'm gonna do it for me. I'm gonna do it for you. God, you sound crazier and crazier by the fucking week, dude. Do you die, Ove? God, you're a voice. Ah. Ah. She's gonna hit it. Yeah, no, it was fun. And then I get up there and I have to have my notebook

for these longer sets and I immediately spill a cup of water on my notebook. So, you've done that before. You actually did that at the world famous Chicago theater. You went up before me and there was fucking water all over the floor. I spilled the water. Why did you just say, wow, I'm fucking glad you fucking.

You look like a slut, bitch. Holy shit. Hey, hey, hey, she's got a date with a 15-year-old later, okay? With that 14-year-old. We hope she's a slut. We hope we're going to get a follow-up to that date, and you'll be a legend.

If you fuck them, I will tell you this. If you fuck them, then I'm serious. If you fuck them, you have a ticket to Kiltoni for the rest of your life. Yeah. Oh! Oh! Oh!

She's a genius! She's a genius! She's a genius! If you don't, she will. So, you know. And I want to be there. I'm gonna be! If you don't, she will. And I want to be there. I'm going to be allowed to watch. I have, that has to be a part of the contract. I have to watch him fuck you, fucking nasty-looking ass, bitch.

Oh, my goodness. William, you're being very very serious. I saw the red fan piss me off earlier. It's my fucking dead grandfather and let me try out some of the crowdwork I did with using that information. Yeah, rusty vans, my grandfather died. Can anybody guess how old he was?

When? Baby, baby! Thank you guys! Oh, I love you, baby! Can anybody guess how old rusty was? If somebody... I love you, baby! I love you too!

I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! I love you too! Somebody guesses that we could say, Somebody. I'm taking a nap. I'm taking a nap. I'm taking a nap. I'm taking a nap. I'm taking a nap. Somebody guesses that we could say, when I hear the right. I'm taking a nap. I'm taking a nap.

I'm taking a nap. I'm taking a nap. Shit, I don't know how old is old as well. So that's, that guy knows about 10 minutes where it's a crowd where it's doing that. That's how you did 50 minutes. It's dinner, yes, yes. I did 15 to 20 of that, just standing, staring forward,

hearing all these numbers. That is so funny. For those of you that don't know, a little fun fact about William is that, you know, a little behind the scenes, which I think is good for the people that have been following you for half a decade on the show. A very interesting thing is while he writes so many unbelievable minutes on the show, he has a slight problem interjecting those minutes into his longer normal stand-alone stand-up

set. He gets his balls busted a lot about doing, you know, the same 15, the same 20, whatever, even though he has this plethora. More than anyone publicly in the world has blatantly jokes that work. He puts them out all the time on the show. But can you explain to the people why you have a little bit of trouble? I know it's a serious. I don't know. I mean, when I'm opening up for you, Tony, I get so in my head you put so much pressure

on me. I feel like I'm gonna fucking explode most of the time. So I'm like, okay, I have to keep on doing these jokes. Tony, I did say one joke that you told me not to say before it, but I had to in Vegas. What was the one? Chris Angels' greatest trick is how he made himself disoep, yeah, it's so stupid.

And I did a couple Rick Maranhas jokes, but no, I was interjecting a lot more, Tony hates the Rick Maranas jokes. Yeah, I think they're one. Oh, you mean the guy that's been a recluse for 25 years? You think that? He-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he-he- for years now, man, there's just like a darkness that around you that like, it makes me truly uncomfortable. Like, I feel like you have... Well, at least there's something around my fucking ass. I don't even know.

You have no one to think when I look at you fucking ass. You have... Don't come at me! You have... I just don't think it for five fucking years, dumb ass. I said I wasn't gonna fucking stream. Don't come at me like that. You got to... You got to...

I want you to stream. You're a stupid fucking ass. I want you to say you have like look at me energy you have a screaming look at things Yeah, it's a terrifying cool. I take that as a compliment Oh man, what the fuck when it eventually comes out like that you fucking idiot when it eventually comes out that this guy Has murdered a lot of people we are all gonna be surprised Not surprised It really comes out that this guy has murdered a lot of people. We are all fucking up. We're all gonna be so proud. That's a proud shit. Fuck off, dumbass. I promise I wouldn't fucking yell tonight,

but I can't help it when I look at you stupid fucking eyes, dude. My eyes? I have a dark energy on my fucking ass. You got nuts. This is dumbass. This is very dark. And I never heard of it. What? This is ass. This is very dark. And I better work. What?

This is dark. This is dark. This is dark. Don't come at me, motherfucker. What do you mean I got a dark energy? My fucking grandfather died a couple days ago, dumb ass. And I've been playing with the Ouija board. So maybe that's why my energy is dark.

There you go. I've like four spirits in my apartment, so sorry for it. You coming after your ass, I get nervous, I have a slept in three and a half. You hooked me before this. Huh? You hooked me before this. Yeah, I put a curse on you, Tomah. You can't hug somebody. You hooked me in the dark heart.

Yeah, well, good luck trying to be later. I don't understand you, man. Why don't you understand you either, so we're in the same boat, though. Should we hug? Yeah. Yeah, do you want to hug? Wow, this is a very special moment, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness.

Now if Israel and Palestine could just do that. Yeah! Paraglide! No. That's the. Paraglide. No. That's the reason his grandfather died. Wait, what? Jesus Christ. Did you hear that, William?

What do you say? He said you're gonna be on the secret show, Nana. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha. You win the big prize. Right down the street! The ceiling's too high! Everyone doesn't do well there! It's not built for coming!

Lucky you and White Websker! Oh, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, the hug thing, and then he goes out for no reason. He goes, that's the reason your grandfather died. What's the reason, Rubin? That is. Eight! See, it doesn't work out how you think it's gonna work out sometimes, does it? You were thinking people are gonna laugh at AIDS. Nobody fucking laughed, dumbass.

My fucking grandfather died. Why do you fucking... I'm sorry about your grandfather, honestly. Thank you. With the medicine recently in the AIDS community that would help him and he... He's doubling down on the H-ing, Thomas. B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b Yeah, you know what? Seagrassho Thursday? I think Redban was doing those jokes so that he could have a moment of silence

for your grandfather. I mean, William, you know, I mean, it's fucking crazy, but I'll say it, a lot of these times, and I mention this to Redban after Heath Courtist's performance, I go, it's so weird how so often, I mean, statistically, because I remember specifically, God, who the fuck was it?

It was, oh, Aaron Belyle, we kept pulling out of the bucket all night long, and then the final bucket poll, I go the final bucket poll, then I, we have enough time for one more. It was him and All these times you have to go up after fucking Horrified it was so

Horrified back so interesting and meanwhile you blast through you make it look easy and you've done it more than anybody And you fucking did it again tonight Fresh off of the death of your grandfather. Let's see how loud this place can get for literally The gold at the Show. William Montgomery, everybody. Then we did it again. You guys have fucking fun tonight, huh? Yeah.

How about one more time for the great-ionist poppins, everybody, Portland, January 11th, Vancouver, January 12th, Toronto, March 23rd, the Yannis Poppins hour available everywhere. One more time for the great Mike Feeney, his huge special is out right now. YouTube.com slash Mike Feeney, that's F-E-E-N-E-Y. And it is called a night at the comedy salary, performs in all four rooms. And that is amazing. One more time for the great Ryan Sickler, everybody, of the Honey Do podcast, YouTube slash Ryan Sickler,

his special lefty son is right there. Shout out to Joe Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Luffer, and Connect Mobile Health, Austin Security Guard Service, Austin Pools, CM Smokehouse, Zipix, Bonesion, NinjaBuses.com. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

Tarell Shaheed on the horns. Paul Deamer on the horns. The great dematness on the bass guitar. John Bees on the keys and Matt Muleling on the electric guitar. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Felt is in and it is unbelievably awesome. Some exclusive Kilttoni merch available on your way out.

SensesetStripATX.com, love you. Yes, indeed. And we love you guys so good to be back, so good to be home. We love you. Good night, everybody. And thank you, rock and roll. Good night. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful.

I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful.

I'm going to be a little bit more careful. I'm going to be a little bit more careful. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk.

1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc mk. 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc

1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go back to the place where I'm gonna go. ____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________ you you