KILL TONY - #638 - GREG FITZSIMMONS + DAVE SMITH

Episode Date: November 28, 2023

Greg Fitzsimmons, Dave Smith, Kam Patterson, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Hans Kim, William Montgomery, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 11/20/2023 THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Support the show by going to https://www.hellofresh.com/ktshowfree and using code KTSHOWFREE Support the show and get 10% Off with the code TONY at https://www.TheFreezepipe.com Get $15 off a Skylight Calendar at https://SkylightCal.com/TONY DISPLATE.COM – USE CODE “TONY” FOR UP TO 30% OFF!

Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquad.tv. All are merch can be found for Kill Tony at Kill Merch.com. Tony's on a brand new Tories going all over the place to check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything Golden Pony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Killtony band and the secret show is every single Thursday Get Tickets at SunsetStrip ATX.com.

And now a brand new episode of Killtony. Tony. Hey, this is Redback coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas. Get it up for Tony Hitchclan! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah!

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treat. These are two of the greatest guests in the show's history. Very, very exciting. Make some noise for the return of the great and powerful Greg Fitzsimmons and Dave Smith everybody Fuck yeah Greg Fitzsimmons, Kiltoni, Royalty Greg, you sit next to me, Dave, you sit over there Greg Fitzsimmons One of my favorite comedians makes a fucking noise for Greg Fitzsimmons Greg! You guys have no idea what you're in for.

Dave Smith. Greg Fitts' name is. This is an exciting, exciting booking for me. I begged Greg to stay. He was here all weekend doing sold-out shows at the mothership. I begged him to stay. And I'm so glad that you did. Tony found me on the street.

Yeah, that's right. And literally I was begging. I forgot that I booked Dave Smith for this until he showed up 40 minutes ago. Was anybody here when we plugged in a mic and added a chair? See, there's actual witnesses to that. You can't make it up. The show is totally hip-hop.

I was promised a hot meal if I came in. But Greg, seriously, probably one of the record holders for all time appearances on the show, because we always have so much fun. And the last time you were on, there was, it was the biggest panel we've ever had, like five people plus appearances by Gary Falcon, who looks a lot like Nick Swartzen, and Steve O. did a minute. It was like a crazy crazy episode. David Tell was here. Yeah, David Tell. Yep. The goat. And the time before that I just reminded you is when Hans Kim got fucked in a

janitor's closet. That's right. I know, but you had heard of him back then, so it was really just the Asian charm working. Yeah, yeah. He was brand new. I'm sorry. Quick follow-up question to that, like, he fucked a chick. Yeah. All right, if you're not aware of the story and you say he got fucked in a janitor's closet, it just sounds like something way more interesting. Happens from that.

Well, if you know Hans, it's really, he's not a very, he's not the fucking type. He's expecting the pushback. He's not really. He's a sweet boy. He's a sweet boy. We're going to find out more about him in just a second. But you guys know how this show works. You've both been on multiple times. I've been told 197 people exactly signed up for

tonight's show. There's a ton more names than even this in the bucket. I mean, it really, it goes on and on. I mean, you can't even really. Okay, there's one. But anyway, I pull a name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up, then or else they bring out the angry bus tollywood bear, which just interrupts their set if they've gone over their time. And that's how it works. Then if it's followed up by an interview, we find out more about them. The entire thing is improvised. Anything can happen. Sometimes we find the absolute future of comedy on the show. Sometimes it's absolutely insane people that can't answer questions and the whole thing goes off the track. Sometimes both. That is true. Yeah. Many of you are

regulars. Thank you so much Dave Smith. Just adding to it. Joe, I already got my hot meal. So I'm cool. All right, so I'm pre-pulling a name here. There's our first bucket pool. And while we go wrangle, that person from the bar next door, what do you think, should we start the show with something special tonight, huh? I mean, there's only one way to start a show like this, really, and it is with the man who has made a regular

two and a half years ago. Boy oh boy how time fucking flies. And now he's headlining all over the world. How many of you are big fans of the show? So maybe you guys know the words of this song. You guys want to sing? This is Hans Kim Everybody! This is Hans Kim! This is Hans Kim! Hey! What's up guys? Good to be here.

Love how cold it is right now, because now we all have Asian dicks. I love how Texans never honk. They'll be like, why would I honk at this guy? Just because he's texting at a green light. That's what my gun is for. That kind of scares me when I tell Texans that I bought a gun for the first time.

They're like, good. Let the games begin. I went back to Seattle recently, very tough to be from Seattle, my hometown, because all of my friends have transitioned and now I have to remember two sets of names. ["Milk of the World"] All right, that should be about 60 seconds, right? All right, yeah, 55 seconds from Hans Kim. ["Milk of the World"] I love it. ["Milk of the World"]

All right, Jetlag. Redban waits until the initial applause die out. He waits until you start talking. So whatever you're trying to milk over there, I don't know what's going on, but we got through it. How about one more time for Hans Kim, everybody? Yeah. Cooldation, Dix, checks out.

Absolutely. The honking thing is a weird thing here in Texas. That is a thing. I remember when I first got here, I was like, I was doing something. I was at a hotel or something and somebody wouldn't move. I was like dropping somebody off and a car wouldn't move and I go, and some, exactly, that's a horn on my car. Thank you Red Bam. This show is so stupid. There you go. Thank, okay, thank you. Yes.

That's my Corvette engine and my horn. So I start the car and it goes, and then I go, all right. And some lady was like, we don't honk here in Texas. And I'm like, what? And I didn't know how to respond to that. But I've realized since then, people really don't honk. Do you guys know about this? Yeah.

This fucking guy said, yeah, quick, was that you? You born and raised in Texas? Why do you think that is, it's a Texas thing not to honk? Curdacy. Curdacy, what a bunch of homos, Jesus. Curdacy, how about you, you Curtis, Curtis,

you get the fuck out of my way. Curdiously, you're what the fuck out of my way. Curtis League, Curtis League, what the fuck? Oh shit, marijuana. You've ever heard of something so crazy, no haunted? No, it sounds gay. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. It sounds like the only time you really hear the horn

is coming off the guy's forehead when he's going down on you. That is true. You know what that sounds like? Is right. OK, that is not all right. So Hans, how's it going? What else is going on with you? I'm doing good. You know, I fucked a stripper in a broom closet.

That is true. Back in the day. The rumor is you got fucked by a stripper. The broom closet. Yeah, can you explain so the Dave understands what it's like having sex with Hans? Because Greg said that you got fucked and I kind of agree with that. Can you explain to them?

Yeah, well, I agree with Dave as well. I did not consent for a lot of it. She was very forceful. She's like, this is going to happen. And there's a guy that can watch us while we're doing it too. And I was like, I'm good on the guy. Yeah. I don't know.'m good on the guy. Yeah. I don't know.

You never forget the first time you get pegged. No. Don't be judgmental. Shh. There you go. Honking of the horn. So I didn't, I don't think I remember that part. It was your boyfriend.

You invited a guy to come into the broom closet with you? He's your boyfriend. That's a lot. It invited a guy to come into the broom closet with you? It's your boyfriend. That's a lot. That's a tight squeeze. Not our vagina, but the closet. Anybody that would fuck you, it's probably like throwing a fucking ramen noodle into a bowl, you know what I meant? It's just a lot of extra space there.

What is your dick to vagina ratio, Hans? I've never, I don't think I've asked you that. I have one dick and I'm a huge pussy. There you go. There you go. There you go. Perfect. I love it.

What else is going on? What about the past? What about this week, Hans? I went to the Renaissance Festival with my girlfriend. Um. This is me that don't know. There is an awesome human being that comes to every show and it's fun to hear what he laughs at. It's not necessarily punchline type of stuff but our friend chief here when you said I went

to a Renaissance but he just started cracking up. It's like he can foresee what's about to happen. Tell us more about you at this Renaissance festival, Hans, how did you fit in? I've never seen an Asian person that I've never gone to a Renaissance festival, but I've never imagined an Asian person being there. What are you doing there?

Are you just dressed up like gang is con or something? Like that? Just mauling people people what's happening? I was just trying to fit in, you know, wearing my Western clothing, my peasants, European white pass and clothes. Uh-huh. And I had a great time, drank a lot of meat,

they have straws and meat, I was just sipping it, and then I got really fucked up on the white man's juice and ah Back to the broom closet we go White man's juice What would the Asian man's juice be? probably sake or Soju or maybe even just like you know

Oxmilk soju or maybe even just like, you know, oxmilk? Soju, is that what? Soju. What is that? So that when somebody doesn't leave a tip at a restaurant? Ah! Ah! Ah!

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Tony's first soju joke, everybody. Soju. Soju. Five percent. Soju. Soju. 5% Soju. That's really sake. What was the third one? Ox juice.

Ox milk. Ox milk. Ox milk. What the fuck is Ox milk? The milk of an ox. Buzzer. Or a water bottle. I think that's bulls firm, isn't it?

I've been milking the males on accident. How do you milk an ox? Can you show us how you milk an ox? Your Asian. Oh, Jesus Christ. Holy shit, Hansy boy. My dear, dear Hans Kim, it's a wild animal. How's your relationship going?

My girlfriend is great. She is starting fewer fights with me now. What was it like? I know we never plan any of these interviews. So I don't want to get you in trouble. But can you give us an example of what a fight was this week? Well, maybe it was Bringer to a Renaissance fair with a known to rape the women. Uh, well, maybe it was Bringer to a Renaissance fair

with a known to rape the women. I was actually on this show. I actually said that I wanted to have a threesome with her friend, and she really didn't think that was a cool thing to say. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

But I don't do it. Yeah. Yeah. So like, did it last long? Do your fights last long? Do you solve them quickly? We solve them pretty quickly. I usually try to end it with a little sex.

I feel like that helps. That's true. That's true. Okay. You guys have a lot of sex, my correct? Yeah. We had a lot of sex. But like,

I took her to Tacoma this weekend and we didn't really have that much sex. We only had one and a half sex. Oh. One and a half sex. Explain to us and the people listening around the world. What counts for half a sex?

That's when I cuddle her, and then with this hand, I jerk off onto her. Oh. Oh. Oh. Wow. I cuddle her and then with this hand I jerk off onto her. Oh! Oh! Wow! Ooh, the old cuddle and puddle, the old fucking... The old fucking ox milk over here, the old fucking...

The old fucking harrigan. Han, so much fun. Way to get tonight's show started. The old fucking harry. Nice. Han, so much fun. Way to get tonight's show started. Is there anything I'm missing? Anything you want to say? I had a great time at the Renaissance Festival. What did they let you in for free?

They'll just give us a shout out, dude. You're good. Come on in. Come on in, bro. We need some promos at the Renaissance was a shout out to every Renaissance festival you'll never hear that on like a black radio station where they actually give shout outs like yo yo yo shout out to my fucking uncle Charles Charles and the Renaissance festival on Martin Luther King Drive did you do stand up at the festival no I was just I was just a

peasant oh just walking just swalking around. You weren't the court jester. No, I wish. That was some white guy. Yeah. Amazing. Was there a court jester? Yeah, there was a whole show.

They were swallowing swords and doing all that stuff. Enough about your girlfriend. It's nice. All right, we love you, Hans. Way to get it started. There he goes. Thank you, Hans. Way to get it started. There he goes. Thank you Tony. A new minute from the legendary regular Hans Kim.

Okay, here we go. Keep it moving here. It's another name. And so we go to the bucket. I mean, this is where shit gets crazy. This is where anything can happen. Maybe it's you. I think you guys get a year- all fans of the show, right?

Alright, we'll try to whisper in the person's ear next to you. Catch him up. This is where things are a little bit off the rails. Make some noise for the Killtony debut. A minute, one minute uninterrupted going to Zach Vandercriff. Everybody, Zach Vandercriff. And here we go. What's happening to how many mothership?

Woo-hoo! Not energetic at all, all righty. This lady, nice to be here. Just got back from hunting. Very nice. I don't know, hunters here, okay. I just trying to meet a lady, you know, a lady that'll rub my back and I'll wipe off hers. I like a joke.

I am trying to hit it off with the ladies. Last time I hit it off with the lady was at our friend's funeral. And not to brag, but his casket was only only that closed. All right, P-Man. I'm here at middle school to try to guess my race. You know, they deserve that. These are the jokes. Try to guess my race. Are you mainly Mexican or mainly Middle Eastern?

I'm mainly Caucasian. Okay. Hispanic and Native American. They go Native American. Mainly Caucasian, okay. Hispanic and Native American. They go Native American, what tribe? These surviving ones. What do you want me to say? Winstar? 20% Haruqasino.

Thank you, my name is Zach Vanderegra. Oki Doki. Zach Bandergrift. Alright, interesting minute. How long have you been on standup? Two years of February throughout the week. Two years in February throughout the week. What does that mean to you? Just more than once a week.

Have you ever done and stand up outside of the week? I've done it. No, not that I know of. Well, yeah, everybody up outside of the week? Uh-huh, done it. Uh, no, not that I know of, no. Yeah, everybody does it throughout the week. I'm interested to know why you threw that in there. Two years, throughout the week. Sometimes you gotta say things that other people can understand in different ways, and I didn't say it the right way.

I, uh, too high-brow for me. I noticed that you keep doing that. You keep saying too high-Brow, this and that. Oh, you guys have low energy. I've been hunting. Whoa, no hunting fans. Like, you're like surprised that people aren't reacting to things that they shouldn't react to.

That's very true. That's very true. Do you do that a lot? I try to get a reaction out of my dad all the time. And he does not. LAUGHTER It almost kind of worked. It's a little bit. all the time and he does not. . . It's a little bit.

It's a little bit. Did you and your dad don't have a relationship? No, we have a great relationship. But I have a great relationship with my mom. So I just say dad and throw my dad on the bus. Yeah. What do you mean? My mom.

Your choice, Brian. Yeah. That is nice. It's a little bit sure you're happy. My mom left and came back twice. So that's the kind of relationship we have, but I love my mom. I love everybody my family. I don't carry hate or anything. All right, all right. We're not your fucking therapist. Jesus Christ. Jesus. Holy shit. Yeah, damn. What made her come back? If I was your mom, I would have stayed gone.

I know. But she brought a stepdad back the first time. I guess she's trying to show off or something. I don't know. Was this some time throughout the week? Yeah, this was, you know. This is when I learned when a week was, yeah. Right. I started to learn after you left.

Go ahead. What are you? 24 now. And where are you from? Fort Worth. Fort Worth. Born and raised. Born and raised.

You still live there? Still live there. What are you for work? During the week. Born and raised. Born and raised. No, go ahead. Still live there. Still live there. Would I do for work? During the week. Oh, well. Well, I'm here. During the week. During the week.

Holy shit. No, wait. It's paused for laughter. I know you don't know what that is. When they laugh, you gotta let them laugh. It's something you're not used to. But you accidentally said something funny there I mean it's unbelievable. I don't know if that's just for worth or you're just straight-up retardation I mean that was fucking incredible. Yeah, it wasn't on purpose. No, no, no. Wow, wow, that's incredible.

But to answer your question, I work at a call center, and then on Saturdays, I change tires. Oh, okay. The uppers. Okay. Why do you only work one day a week changing tires? Because I got a better job at a call center, and I still love the jobs telling jokes

at the, you know, in the back with the boys versus an office. Right. Absolutely. And Saturdays, your tire changer. Right. So you're tiring. Yeah, tiring. That's what I thought when I first heard your joke.

Someone like this guy is tiring. And now to find out that you're tiring as well. It's a double tiring. I'm tired of you. Damn. Damn. Hell yeah. OK, tell us something interesting about your life, Zach Vandergrift.

Your name does not match. You're look at all. Not at all. Vandergrift is a known name of the Vandergrip Honda and the dealership and all this stuff. And they always ask me if I'm related. And I got to break the news to my little two brown for the vandegriffs over there. And so there's not, you know, something interesting about my life here, you know.

But my dad owns a club and so he he's a swing or knows a swing or club and So I thought that was normal and Then found out that's not normal right moms don't go and come back and then leave yeah, and then yeah Well, that's my step that my step mom my dad here what I have a step mom. Okay. Yeah,. So your dad has a full-time lady. Full-time lady that I'm assuming side ladies as well. Yes. Throughout his career.

Dad sounds awesome. Yeah. I guess the apple falls pretty far from the tree here. Yeah. The pineapple. The pineapple. There you go. Even he is making fun of what you're saying over here.

Shout out to Club Eden. All right. Club Eden. Yeah. Wow. So does your mom bring her new guy to that club to swing? Good question. My mom, she's not, I have a stepdad and...

Oh, she's a nice boy. It is unbelievable. Holy shit. and that's in Fort Worth too. Your dad's club? My dad's club is in Oklahoma City, Fort Worth, and San Antonio. Whoa he's got a chain. Yeah. Dude I feel like I'm watching a movie where I have to lean into the person I came with and go, are you following what's happening? Is that the same guy from the bank heist? Yeah. Are you following what's happening? Is that the same guy from the bank house? Yeah, I think we'll find out later.

It doesn't make sense right now. I'm sure they're going to tie it all together here. And you have to lean in and a little back to let the people out of the aisle that are leaving the movie. Amazing, Zach Vandergriff. This is really, really incredible. And it's called Club Eden. Club Eden. Well, you were eating it on stage today. Yeah, really incredible. And it's called club eating. Club eating. Okay, well you were eating it on stage today.

Yeah, I did. That was pretty incredible. Yeah, the worst thing on my hunting trip. What's the, what did you do? Like, is that a good minute? Do you have a better joke than any of the ones that you did here? Or are you like, I'm gonna try some new stuff on Kielkot?

That was gonna be more of the better half, the better minute there. And then I said so, it was thinking it's doing some other things. And then I said, so it was thinking to do some other things. And now I, you know, go back home and take a hard look in the mirror here with a joke book. And, you know. The whole look.

Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah, you, you died harder than your friend in that joke, girl. Yeah, I did. All right, Pete, man. Yeah. I don't think the mirror is what you need to look at.

Yeah. I think the pen and paper might actually be better than a mirror. For sure. Absolutely incredible. You're a good looking guy, though. What's your love life like? Non-existent. Wow.

Wow. Women really do look for personality. I guess so, yeah. I got a- You're a good looking guy. If someone looked like that and was funny, like you could fuck the world. Definitely, I got no confidence to fuck the world. That is incredible.

Like last time you hooked up with a chick, what was that like? Thanksgiving Eve. I, uh... Wait a second, that's like tomorrow. What are you talking about? That's, uh, tomorrow. Holy shit. We got Mexican and, you know, the arcade games and stuff.

What? We got Mexican food, she wasn't Mexican. We got Mexican food. Uh-huh. And then we went to play arcade games, went to a bar, and then, you know. Okay, dude, that makes total sense, but what you said to us was,

Mexicans and the arcade stuff. Yeah. How were we supposed to deduce from that? Yeah. What that could possibly mean? Yeah. Absolutely, correct, absolutely. That's probably how my dates go and they don't, they're not nice enough to tell me what I'm doing wrong.

Dude, for the record, I agree with Tony. I think this guy could get tons of pussy if you wanted to and I and for the I think it was wrong what you guys did on on Israel, but yeah, I Do think that You could get I think you could get laid all the time. Do you just need confidence? I have a question about to get how come is your role Just in a No, no, no, no, no, no, there's no questions from you my friend. Oh, sorry This is gonna be so you would only be the arcade with this you No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, you want to, what, what, what were you, how does that happen?

It's funny because your mom was like, I've got a pack man. And then she left you. Gotcha, pack man, yeah, but then packed away. There it is. That's right when you think I'm bombing. I fucking sneak away. I just hit a bar afterwards and then from the bar I asked if you want to go back to my place from the bar. Which is my grandma's not really my place, right?

Yeah, this is enough sac band or gift. I'm gonna give you a little joke book though You could write something in it on your long drive back to Fort Worth. Thank you There you go, everybody. Zach Vandergrip the Killtony debut Of Zach Vandergrip and back toy debut of Zach Vandergriff. And back to the bucket we go. This is the real deal here tonight Greg. We're in the storm. Mixing noise for Talha Usman everybody. Talha Usman is next on Killtony. Come on one more time for tall, hi everybody. There's a guy at work.

He's trying to convert me to Christianity. Dude got me two books, he got me a Bible, and then the second one read, Seeking Allah but Finding Jesus. It was really awkward. I had to explain to the guy that I'm a Hindu. Which really I'm not. But I wanted to see if you would go back and get another book. Seeking Bhagwan but finding Jesus.

That's my time, thanks. Wow. Okay. You spent all your time doing that all a joke. That's incredible. That was amazing. Very, very slow. Do you normally start that slow?

Generally, yes. Why? It just kind of gives us the time to settle down a little bit. Oh, OK. More like, he don't. Take a second. Yeah, that was absolutely incredible. So how long you been doing stand-up?

Been doing stand-up for three years. Three years. We're at first year in Dallas, and then the rest of year. Well, it's the rest. The rest? In Austin? You said, wait, three years, three years first in Dallas. Gotcha.

Gotcha. Okay. And what do you do for a living? What call center do you work out? It's very weird, because the last guy looks like he would work in a call center, and I bet your job is something that the last guy looks like he would do. Am I center, and I bet your job is something that the last guy looks like he would do.

Am I correct? What do you do? I do a cool calling. You really do. I really do. Oh my goodness. When people answer the phone, is there like a 30 second pause before you say anything?

Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. A lot of hangups on this guy. This is deal money from old people. You really do cold calling. What do you kind of call for you? Colding. Yeah, so I'm trying to sell computers and servers. Wow, that is so you.

Yeah, that is you. That is like, all everything that your people do. Do you sometimes give people physicals and doctor checkups or anything like that? I refer them to the right people. Okay. So what ethnicity are you exactly? A Pakistani. What is it? A Pakistani. Pakistani is what white people call it, but you call it pop.

Like Tupac. Tupac. Tupac is stanny. Okay. Yeah,ac is standing. Yeah. OK. Yeah, it sounds cooler. Have you ever thought about calling it Tupac is standing? Well, there's a two of us. All right.

Tauha, what do you like to do for fun? Tell us more about your life. Yeah, so I like to do this for fun. I like to stand up for fun. We got that part knocked out. You can see the joy on your face. And then on the weekends, I like to go out and talk to strangers while they're out of their mind and I'm just like, what's going on with you? You just walk up to strangers and you say that. That's I don't say that. I'd say hello like a cool call Where are you do this at?

You know we're west six e6 wherever that's a hundred six three you walk around you know, what's going on with you? What's going on with you? Does that work? For the most part, no You do that both girls and boys just girls just girls. Yeah For the most part, no. Wow. You do that to both girls and boys? Just girls. Just girls.

Yeah. Okay. And it works sometimes. Like, the percentage is fairly low, but it has worked. It seems like it has no the exact percentage. What is that percentage? Yeah. So I've been doing this for a couple of years now.

Maybe two, two and a half. And then, I think I've had about two or three successes here. Okay, okay, okay. Wait, hold on, I'm sorry. What's it? What's the success? Success is you approach someone, you talk, you like them, you get their number. Do you say court someone? Approach someone.

Oh, okay. Maybe that too. But and then eventually, they hang out with you. And then eventually, she invites you back to her place. And it's a good situation. Invites you back to her places, how you just said. What's your living situation where

you wouldn't take them back to their place? What type of dwelling do you live in? Yeah, so I got my own place now, that's good situation. I got a little studio, but before this I was with them. Is it underneath a hospital? Is it? Yeah. Yeah.

Dude, I swear to God when he walked on stage, I went, I fucking burned my Hamas joke on the last guy. I knew I should have held it in the can. Yeah. Yeah. it is incredible. By the way, with that shirt, if I squint really hard, will I see Ringo Star's face or something? It's magic shirts.

Yeah, that is an incredible, incredible shirt. Where do you do your own styling? Yes, I do my own styling. Did you get something like that from? Where do you get that from? Yeah, so actually I got this from Sweden. A friend gifted it to me. So yeah, that's where it got this from.

Where'd you meet this friend? I met this friend in college when I started doing the random people thing. When I would go approach, I told him the first time I did it. What's up with you? Yeah, right, yeah. Okay. You have any special moves in the bedroom that you do

when you, when this all goes perfectly well for you? No, generally my special move is to just to pretend like I didn't, I didn't, D, he's straight. What the fuck are you plugging your ears for? You can't just pick and choose You're your your home of phobic goddamn it your character is that you're home of phobic Wait, why are you plugging your ears for this guy? I want to know

Why I just didn't want to hear that Not to why It's nervous. I think I could think it gets nervous Oh, not too bad. Why? It's nervous, I think. I think it gets nervous. I don't get it. I don't get it.

D is an interesting, interesting character. Visual people are very interesting too. Yeah, I think it too. Oh shit, he just called us the V word, everybody. The visual people. Oh my goodness. What type of hate should you hear the hatred behind that? Did he just coin us cisgenders of fucking seeing?

And by the way, when he plugs his ears, that's the equivalent to one of you plugging your ears and closing your eyes at the same time. Like he's like a nose plug away from having no fucking idea what's going on. I don't know if I can hear it anyway. Turn around. How'd you know I was turned around? That's fucking crazy. Have you been fooling us this whole fucking time?

You think I'm turned around right now? All right. All right. Tauha. Wait, I had one quick. There's a game I like to play with the guests sometimes where I ask your last name and then Tony gives you what your nickname was in eighth grade.

What was your last name? Usman. What? Usman. What? Hey, what's your first name? Tauha. Tauha, Usman. Maybe go with the first name. It's all easier. Yeah, I think I would go with the first name? Talha. Talha Uzman.

Maybe go with the first name. It's all easier. Yeah, I think I would go with the first name on that. And what is it again? It's Talha Uzman. Uzman! Jesus Christ! What the fuck is that?

You don't hear it. When you're outhead, you're on your towel head, Goosebumps. It's Tallah. Come on. You got it. I like that. I think we should reverse the rules. I'll ask the name and you do what their nickname was. Has anyone ever called you, Tallahed Usman?

No, my- That's amazing. That's actually amazing. It's right there. I can't believe I didn't fucking think about it. Yeah, especially I'm not even eighth grade anymore and I saw yeah. My nickname was a Taliban. Ah, that makes sense. That was hard at the time. Yeah, yeah, it was. That makes sense. That was hot at the time. Yeah. Yeah. It was.

There's all kind of names we could call you about. Thank you. All right, you're leaving with a little joke book. There you go, my friend. Tell her, Usman, ladies and gentlemen. APPLAUSE Yeah, we're going to do something special here before we go to our regular.

We're gonna do something real special here. This is a very, very exciting moment because we have a golden ticket winner that's here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. And this might be in my very humble opinion one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. This will mark his third ever appearance on the show and his second ever as a scheduled golden ticket winner. I do believe you are watching the future when I introduce to you 21 year old Heath Cordance ladies and gentlemen. I just got off tour this weekend with Tony. Yeah, it was fun. Could have been better. Told me we were going to Disney World, but it's fine.

Took me on a private plane too and I think I prefer Delta. The jet was nice, but I would have liked to coach more than flying in Tony's carry-on. When we got to our hotel, it didn't take more than 30 minutes until some creep was hitting on me with a belt while he squeezed my nut sack until I said Uncle. It was my idea actually. Thank you guys. Wow, exactly one minute. Bing, Bing, boom. He's Corvus. Talking about this weekend here on a Monday. Best weekend of my life, Tony.

You're the man. Fuck yeah. Heat was a very last minute addition to the show. I think I found out on Wednesday that William, who had an operation on his skin cancer last week, had a little bit of a problem, had to go back under the knife, is skin cancer last week. Had a little bit of a problem, had to go back under the knife, wasn't able to make the weekend.

And I tried to figure out who would be a great, perfect replacement for him. And I figured why not give the new guy a short set to get things started. And Heath absolutely took the ball and fucking ran with it. Three sold out theaters, two in San Diego, one in the round in Phoenix, Arizona. Constant improvement, each show, more comfortable, more relaxed, and he's a

fucking grower, believe it or not. Yeah. Amazing stuff. Yeah, growing is also when you get better at something, not just fatter or whatever. I thought you were in a car. I thought you were in a car. I thought you were in a car. Red bands like, what's growing? Yeah, fucking amazing adjustments were made.

Move the closer to the opener, took us time. It was actually incredible to watch. It's fun to bring people with you that listen and can fucking make the adjustments and you get to watch them have that kind of fun. First show to third show, tell the people what I'm talking about. Can you kind of explain in your own words?

Yeah, it started off pretty strong every single time, but those first two shows it always ended week, and by the third one, it was all the way up, baby. That's right. That's right. And you give him some advice, though? And you took the advice and went with it. Yeah, that's it.

Yeah, yeah. Advice went well. You only get to it. Yep. And what else? What were some other highlights of the trip for you? You taught me how to make a girl's skirt on the plane. That's right.

Yeah. That's right. Papatoni. I'm here doing the fucking Lord's work. That's right. The ladies are clapping. That's right. Would you like to show everybody what I did?

Yeah. Hey, then. And then he speed it up. Yeah. You're going to have to go faster than that, son. Still working on it. The general technique was right. Oh, we got some squirt music going here.

Hey, there you go. There you go. That's right. You'll tickle me Elmo. OK. Sesame squirt everybody. How adorable. This is the cutest episode of Blues Clues I've ever seen.

How do we make someone squirt? Wow. That is hilarious. That could be your new gang sign or something like that. The fucking, what's up? Heath Gordes represent. That's right. Raise the roof. The old top of the morning to you.

The old fucking of the morning to you. Yeah. The old fucking. All right. What else? What else stood out to you this week on Heath? Big ass grown up fucking gigs. Yeah, I got to sleep in a king size bed. That was cool. I didn't need any of it.

That is amazing. You were in king size rooms. Really nice hotels. Do you do anything weird in the hotels? Nothing particularly weird, but I did the normal and I whacked off. Oh yeah. I picture you doing like some homelone two style shit. Throw on the robe and some fucking slippers start ordering too much ice cream at the end of the night I don't know why I pictured you fucking misbehaving out there, but I'm a Tell me you used the big bath towel just as a fuck you to the staff

No, I never did I didn't think about it about it. I dipped into the candies and stuff. I got all the candy. Oh, where was their candy at? Oh, in the thing. In the hotel, yeah. OK, well, I'm going to be getting that call from my business manager. Good, thank you, Tony.

Didn't really tell you you could do that, but that's OK. Yeah, have you told them about moving items off that thing that counts the price? Yeah, it's all good. You're a naughty little boy, aren't you? Yeah. Kind of a little misbehavior, huh? I take you on private jets, I get you fancy hotel rooms, but that's just not enough, is it? Just had to get some candy. It's like Adam and Eve over here.

I'm sorry, Tony. If Adam was the size of an atom. Yeah. Stupid. Got him. Got him. Heath, what else? Anything else we should know about?

You're a fucking cold blooded assassin. No, nothing I can think of. You absolutely killed, dude. It's fucking incredible. And it's so much fun to be on the road with people that are appreciative and gracious and having a fucking blast and wowed by everything and we're definitely going to do a lot more of those. You surprised me with how great you did. So I'm very excited. Thank you.

Make some noise for him. Golden ticket winner. Heat courted, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. And now with no hesitation. Aw, some home alone music. Hey, Christmas is right around the corner everybody What's the guy say what's the bird it's the bird it's a fucking Hey Tony before we call this thing from the toy store. It's a turtle dove. Keep playing play the fucking music

That's a turtle dove and if you have the other half of a turtle dove, that means you have a best friend for life. Alright, we're gonna get right into it. Ladies and gentlemen, shock and awe. From the man that started those shows at the theaters to the man that brought me up in those theaters, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed... ...Camp Patterson! So, I'm getting used to white culture now, so I'm around so many of y'all, and uh, I'm, uh, I used the bidet for the first time. I didn't like it.

Y'all was gonna go, put the water in your ass. You gotta put the water, fuck you, that goddamn water, nigga. I was, I was taking the shit, right? I had a fresh shit. I was, I was trying to use the bidet, and I couldn't figure out the buttons on it, so I was just doing shit, right? I had a fresh shit. I was trying to use the bidet, and I couldn't figure out the buttons on it.

So I was just doing this for a minute, and then water just started shooting in my ass, and then it stopped for two minutes, and I couldn't just get up and let the water go everywhere, I'm gonna fuck out the bathroom. So the toilet molested me, and this one of those smart AI toilets who were like, nigga, take the water, nigga!

Take the water! I told that joke to my cousin, he was like, you been around too many white people, that joke is gay. And that's my time. Unbelievable. Hilarious. Was this the bidet in the green room up there? No, you told me I can't shoot in there ever again.

Oh! This one up there? No! Wait, yeah it was. It was. Was it today? No, it was today. I saw fucking water.

There was an unmatched today. It was today. It was. It was just a minute. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was.

It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was.

It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. It was. and people are gonna end up seeing this. But right before we came down to start the show, I went pee, and for the first time ever,

you know, and there is, there's a fucking, it's a Joe Rogan strength bidet, by the way, to let you know, like this is his club, and that is his bidet. There's literally a button called deficate, which is like red, it's red, and it has like a red X over it for some reason. I've read that one.

That one was scary. That one was tough. I'm not even kidding. There's a button called defecate, which I don't have on my bidet at all. It's like a fucking Rogan strength bidet. And anyway, but there's like, there's a wall right across from the toilet. It's so real. Like this is all fucking... I never... Joe needs a spinning back kick to the asshole.

And it is all over! He is in big trouble! We just say this is cleaning your ass. When you clean Rogan's ass, three people left to watch it go. Oh! And here we go, the start of the fifth round. Holy shit. But anyway, there's literally a fucking puddle

and I thought to myself, because I'm like, I look at this place as my home too. I thought to myself, I'm like, man, I need to mention to somebody that that needs to be cleaned up because I don't want the fucking Killtoni crew being blamed for anything. And to find out that it's you,

and you're just out here confessing it to the world. Yeah. Not only did you take it, but you fucking, you turned it straight into material. Yeah, that shit. I saw your fucking butt puddle up there. Yeah, and the toilet tried to touch me, man. That's who's dead.

That is hilarious. No, no, no. A forced molestation by Rogan's toilet. That is absolutely incredible. In comedy, mothership court, you can go, okay, listen, in my client's defense, the bit was hilarious. Yeah, so, I'm gonna say it worked.

Yeah, yeah. So you were trying to get up, and that's how that water got there, and you're Yeah, so. Thoughts, dude. You can say it's what? Yeah, yeah. So you were trying to get up, and that's how that water got there, and you're like, fuck. Yeah, I really like, I came, get up, was gonna go everywhere else. So I had to sit there and just take the water and my ass for a minute. Because the day when I fucking stopped, it just kept fucking, why I go for that long, bro? Oh yeah. Why you need water in your ass for that long?

It was a long time, bro. It's a man, you just gotta let it happen. No, no, bro? Oh, yeah. Why you need one of your ass for that loan? It was a long time, bro. It's a bit, you just gotta let it happen. No, no, fuck you, don't. See, here's the thing. Here's the thing, next time you do it, you have to relax. It's like a cold one for something like that. Like, if you tighten up, you're just wasting everything.

You have to relax and really let it just fucking. You have to let it go up there. You have to fucking let it happen. You wanna say that, Tony? You have to let it it. Oh, it's amazing. I'm a huge Bade guy huge. It's it's what goes up my ass a lot of people have wondered is it dicks is it fingers it's water That's it the secret to life water. We're made of it the earth is made of it straight up my ass I love it can't get enough of it In fact, I was telling my crew earlier because you know

We just got back from the road yesterday and my favorite thing when I get back on the road is going to my fucking toilet and press and fucking buttons. And just scary, I'm scared buttons. You could take a second shit. You don't know about the second shit. You got scared, you got scared, you thought it was gay. You thought it was gay.

Shit, touched it me. It touched it you? It touched it me. Oh my god. Don't it touched it me. It touched it you? It touched it me. Oh my god. Don't it touched it me. You were touched by an angel. Water is life, my friend. Usually jiggles a second shit, like if you keep it going.

Like you can't even imagine how many shits red been in tonight. Yeah, it gets the corners. Yeah, corners. He has an octagon for an asshole. Are you ready? Great fit Simmons, what do you think about all this bidet talk? Well, I had a cold water bidet, that one's probably got the heat on it.

Yeah, I didn't try to press that, but I think it was like lu-warm with some shit. No, lu-warm's good, trust me. You know when it's cold. I disagree. But my asshole's pretty hot after a good dump, and I like the cold water, it's like getting asked right by a popsicle. It just cools everything down. I enjoy that.

Well, I said I woke up. I don't see. I had, I had at one point. There wasn't, when I got my new place, there wasn't an electrical outlet on In that area so I had to have a cold Bed day for a while and every time I did it I was like one of the villains from home alone where I'm just sitting like Still let it happen, but it's shocked me every time

He's crazy every time I was, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, sh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, sh, sh, sh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, shh, sh Alright, very good. Great stuff. Brought to you by Screwball Peanut Butter Whiskey. Yeah. Can't have anything else we need to talk about. You had your first jet rides this weekend. Yeah, that should, this nigga just farted in my ear, you know? The old Deemer squeamer over there. Nah, that shit was crazy, but I really enjoyed that shit, bro. Yeah. That shit was dope. I was talking on my home, but like, we should buy one reason.

Do legal things with it. That is so interestingly urban of you to be ready to buy a private jet. All right. I've opened up nine theaters with time to go have some chat. Yeah, I called it. I'll talk about the future.

Right. The future, eh? We're going to do legal things with it, because there's no TSA there. That's right. Yeah. I'll talk about the future. The future, eh. We're gonna do legal things with it, because there's no TSA there. That's right. Yeah, absolutely. 100% legal things.

100% totally legal. 100% legal things. No one's checking for any. Nothing at all. At all. You walk straight through that. You walk. With 12 pounds, whatever you want.

That's right. 12 pounds. I know, because I heath in my five. Yeah. Yeah. So I'm sorry. I'm just trying to get this straight. So your plan is to get so successful that you can buy

a private jet and then start selling drugs. I was just saying, I didn't say that at all. That was a stand-up. You made it already, dude. I did so good at getting it. Look at me. I didn't say that at all. That was a stand-up. You made it already, dude. I did so good. Look at me. Look at me. I didn't say that at all.

Now, what I said at all. All right. I could get in saying that. I said nothing like that ever. You don't know what those pounds of field width, sir. I could like candy or like. You don't know that. All right, case dismissed.

Oh, man. Very, very good. Very good. Let's go. Skin too, case dismissed. Oh, man. Very good. Very good. Let it go. It's getting too close to me. Let him go. Not guilty. Thank you so much.

I love it. Absolutely amazing, unbelievable, from having an incident up in the restroom to bringing it on stage in another fantastic, going to be the great and powerful kids. Oh, wait. My mom and Hill. What's up? my mom and Hill?

Oh, yeah, that's right. Mama Patterson in the Hill wall. Tonight. I love you. Yeah, she's the best. We got her up on the fucking Super Dupor VIP balcony up there. And all mom's care about is that you wash your ass, right? That's right.

Got that, all right. Yeah, yeah, that's right. And don't all right. Yeah, yeah. That's right. And don't be gay. Don't be gay, 100%. And you know what? You can be gay. That's right. I love gay people.

Okay, I'm better. That's right. There he goes. Tam Patterson. On his way to buy a jet. The best. My man. He's a green.

He's a powerful. Tam Patterson. Oh, man. All right. Back to the stage. The green, the powerful, damn patterns. Oh, nah. Alright, back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen. This looks like another new name. 60 seconds uninterrupted, make some noise for Leila Inglis.

Everybody, Leila Inglis. Hi guys. Hi. My name is Layla. I think the only thing sadder than rape is attempted rape. Because then not only are you a piece of shit, but you're a failure too. I know I sound like a girl that might do any meany-mighty moe to decide what kind of gas to put in my car. And I do. Today it got diesel. When I first started my period I treated pads like diapers.

I know. I thought we could just let anything go in them. Thank you guys. Buck, yeah. Laila Inglets. Welcome to the show, Laila. That was great. Thank you. Hell yeah. That was funny for a boy. Whoa. That was amazing. How long. Hell yeah, that was funny for a boy. Woo. That was amazing. How long have you been doing stand up?

It's been exactly a year now. Oh, this guy's going to jerk off. Look at this fucking guy. Mr. Obvious over here. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Oh, I just got to pee out of nowhere. Fuck, oh, fuck, I got to pee. So about a year, where at? Well, I started exactly a year ago in Austin last November. OK. But, uh, oh, I'm sorry.

Yep, go ahead. I live in Ohio. I'm from Dayton, Ohio. Dayton, Ohio. OK. That's right. Go back, guys. The new number one team in college football. Boy, a boy, look who's making a run for it.

And Michigan this week, who's no longer allowed to steal signs. Isn't that incredible? Gotta talk our shit. It's so fun. Anyway, what made you come to Austin to start and then go back to Dayton? Is that where you lived before? Yeah, I was born and raised in Dayton, but I was so scared to do it around people I knew. So I was like, if I come to Austin, I don't know anybody. So if I bomb, it doesn't matter. Hell yeah. And now here you are on the most watched comedy show in the universe. So everybody in Dayton that has the internet can see it.

Oh yeah, that's true. Yeah. Good thing you just realized that now. Yeah, I did a mini-mini-mini-mo between this or realized that now. Oh, yeah, I did eating mini-miney moe between this or another open mic. Oh, yeah. Wow. Solid callback. Absolutely.

You know, Tony, I could tell it's 64.90 degrees in this room right now. It literally is 64.9 degrees in the room. I was on a Vulcan when you guys were at Vulcan and I wore the same tank top but blue and he made a comment about my tits. Oh, that's hilarious. I didn't even know what you were referencing, by the way.

I'm so used to you just fucking bombing that I didn't even know you were mentioning her. Nipples, you are a blatant sexual harasser, right, man. I thought it was a shrinkage joke for him. And people always ask, like, why, if you're in Texas, why do you wear jackets and coats and whatnot? It's because we keep the studio cool

for, because fucking laughter and humidity builds up in here. So you have to. And we have an actual thermometer that we keep here all the time. And it literally is 64.9 degrees student confirmed in the front row. I so didn't get Brian's comment that I thought she was being narcissistic when she made it all about her tits. Right. I was like, that's not what he was talking about.

Right. She's a smart chick. She knows what's up. Yeah. That's right. I sound really smart, too. Yeah, absolutely. So, Layla, what do you do for a living in Dayton? What keeps you in Dayton, Ohio? I work at the Dayton Funnybone. Wow, what do you do there? I serve.

OK. I serve her. But why do you serve? Thank you for your service. Thank you. Thank you. Why do you stay in Dayton? Well, that's because I don't have a lot of money,

and it costs a lot to live here. And I'm not like one of the people that are OK with being in their car. Right. Have you ever thought about saving a few thousand dollars and starting here? And then you could serve here in a better economy and less taxes? I have.

My brother got a house here. So I could live with him. But I don't know. A lot has been happening in Ohio. I know Austin is so much cooler than Ohio. But I'm getting a lot of opportunity out there. What don't you think you would get a lot of opportunity where there's more opportunities? Yeah.

Hey, I'm Antarctica's great. I've been having a lot of opportunities here. You're right. Maybe I should do any meaning minding mo about it. That's probably a better idea than nothing at all. Any minding mo, Austin or slowly dying? Dayton is actually one of the worst places in Ohio. It is it's horrible. Yes, it really is a lot of people don't know this People think Ohio is like a farm city because it sounds like island shit Like it's like people get it confused

Ohio has a lot of major cities and one of the worst ones maybe the seventh or eighth best one is Dayton. Yeah, I'm the only other girl that does comedy there. Right. There's two of us. Right, absolutely. And yeah. I mean, look, I thought you were great tonight, but if you're telling me in an entire city, there's two female comedians.

The odds that one of them would be funny is so low. And the fact that you are funny is pretty incredible. Yeah. No? No, I'm saying. You guys don't know about the odds of female comedians. No, that's exactly what I was saying. These opportunities that you're getting are, do they tend to be mostly from male comedians

that want to hang out with you. Well, I like to think it's not, but I guess it probably is. Well, I mean, it's, you're funny. So we got that out of the way. Like, at least you have one funny minute. We know that for sure, but don't you, like I'm asking you, when you get the things that they offer you these opportunities, do they tend to make a move on you

in some kind of way? Yes, and I've learned that if comics ask, hey, do you want to write? It means like, hey, do you want to fuck? That is correct. Yeah. Amateurish. Yeah, it's no one that just wants to randomly write with people.

Yeah. That also applies to every question a dude asks. Right, yes. And in any... Not just writing. And in any industry. Yeah, that also applies to every question a dude asks right? Yes And any writing and in any industry exactly if you work at a gas station and someone's like hey Do you want to drink coffee and talk about stuff tomorrow? They don't really want to talk to you. They want to do they want to do things with you because boys and girls They do things. Well, that Well that would happen here too right? Yeah that would happen on top of other things.

There's just no escaping it I guess. That's true. That's true. You could buy a coat. Yeah. That is true. That is indeed. That's how Red Band covers up his tit, so.

There he is. I did it. I did it to see if you would make a comment about it. You did. You did. That's incredible. Law suit incoming. There you go. Laila, I want to know more about you you tell us some interesting fun facts about your life or anything like that I can I have weird talents like I can talk with my mouth closed It's not like ventriloquism my cheeks get puffy. It's something. Let's see it. Absolutely. How many you want to see that? Okay, I've never done it into a microphone, so hopefully it's okay. Hey, guys, what's up? What's going on?

Whoa, that's amazing. Oh my goodness. Do you have a bit about that? You have to have a bit about that. I've been trying to make a bit about it. I'm not sure exactly how to work it out though. Can you try, can I just hear you say, don't come in my mouth while you do it? Yeah.

We can meet at a coffee shop and write about it. OK. All right. Yeah, it'll be Red Band's first time writing in eight years. So it's going to be pretty exciting. Can you actually write with Red Band please? It'll be good for him. Can you actually write with red man please? It'll be good for him.

Oh. Oh. Layla, what else other than the talking with the mouthful of cheeks thing? What else are you into? What do you do for fun? I like to frolic outside. Ah.

OK. Kind of a hippie. Yeah. You smoke a lot of pot? Yeah, but never before stand up. I can't remember any of my jokes if I do. Right. I only tried it one time, and I was like, I'm not as quick,

so I don't do it before stand up. Yeah. Okay. And have you thought about making any, doing other things in order to make enough money to get out of date in Ohio. Yeah, I actually saved up a couple thousand to move here, but then just so much opportunity and date. What type of opportunities are you fucking talking about?

Just so many guys want to write with her, Tony. Yeah, what are these opportunities? Well, I actually just got hired to be on a little sketch comedy show. Okay. So... Is it called Saturday Night Live? No. Right, so what the fuck are you talking about?

What little sketch comedy show is being filmed in Dayton, Ohio? It's called Slapstick Comedy. It's actually out of Columbus, Ohio. Yeah, no one knows about it. We're getting close. No, not a... There you go. Very good. Thank you, Red Band, no one knows about it. We're getting close. We're sort of Cleveland. No, not a, not a, there you go. Very good. Thank you, Red Band, for the pointless side effect.

Thank you. Look up the fucking thing. Jesus Christ. Slap stick comedy in Columbus, Ohio. I don't think they have anything out yet. So what are you, fuck? You're, do you realize this is like the writing thing, right? OK, I guess you got me.

They're going to slap their stick against you. It's what's happened. Yeah, it's come to do some sketch with us. It's a slapstick. It's a red band. Pull up the fucking thing. Oh, there's nothing. There's absolutely nothing is the verdict.

So there really is nothing on the internet. So you're starting a sketch group in Dayton, Ohio. Alright, I'm afraid I'm afraid to move. You got me. Okay. Alright, what are you scared of? Well, I'm afraid because it's going really well in Ohio. I'm afraid. Oh my god. Alright, so here's the first step. Listen, it's not going that good in Ohio. Alright, it's really not. Okay, okay, I'll stop saying that. I'll stop saying that. I'll stop saying that. I'm afraid if I come here, maybe it won't go well.

But I can't let fear get in my way, I guess. Oh, that is good. That is good. Hey, Tony, yes, Red Bay. I am breaking news. I found slapstick comedy. They have 58 subscribers. That's not the thing.

It is. It's not the right thing. Is that it? Can you see that? No, go back to the fucking main Patreon. Is that the thing? Yeah, Misha. Yeah.

Oh, that's Misha. 91 views, one year ago. It is the promo video for Slapsick Comedy, 91 views. In one year. Oh, you know what, Tony, you're wrong. You're gonna have to Comedy 91 views in one year. Oh, you know what, Tony, you're wrong. You're gonna have to ride this thing out. Yeah, it's a no brainer. Yeah, you gotta see where this is going.

Absolutely, absolutely. Mo money, e-ne, my-ne, mo problems, you know what I mean? It's an absolute no brainer. Slaps to be the gateway to doing improv in Toledo. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Wow, my goodness. Wow. How long are you in town for? Oh, Jesus. Fuck it, Chris. You are discussing. You know that. Oh, man.

I'll be here until next Wednesday. Well, I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Oh, my God. It's literally, it's becoming a punchline. It used to be like an opportunity for people. She had a great sense. She tremble high people. She had a great set. She took it from Ohio to Georgia. She did have a great set.

You're right. Thank you. You're from Ohio. You had a great set. You're leaving with a big joke book. There you go. Thank you guys for watching. I'll have to do it.

I've got those Ohio hands. Good catcher. Marvin Harrison Jr. Not future Heisman Trophy winner. Oh shit. I forgot the pull in name. No, he's got the day off. Shit.

We're a bucket pull behind. I didn't pull one. Oh, geez. There you go. Take that one. All right, we got another bucket pull. You guys having fun out there? Thanks to Noice for your next comedian.

This looks like a new one. Philadelphia Gomez, everybody. Here we go. Philadelphia Go Man's Everybody. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, what's up guys? I recently got sober from Xanix. Woo! Yeah, well, not because I wanted to. My drug dealer, he overdosed and he died. And like, it was intentional and everything. So like, if you knew he was going out like that, you couldn't have a going out of business though.

Selfish, if you ask me. I keep knew that social anxiety. He's just gonna leave me hanging like that. How am I gonna find another drug dealer? Right? I got slightly better news in that. My girlfriend recently cheated on me. She cheated on me in rehab.

So I guess she was getting better. Just better dick. Yeah. And I should have got suspicious, when she was calling, I'm talking about AA. She would say things like, things are getting really deep with AA. Things are really opening up with AA.

At this point, AA was just cold word for African-American. I'm not sure. Oh yeah. My name's Full of Bertu. I thought I was obvious I was Mexican, but I still try and appreciate y'all. Thank you. All right, Full of Bertu. Okay. Obviously I was Mexican, but I thought I'd appreciate y'all. Thank you.

All right, Filaberto. Okay. So wait, she went to rehab and was cheating on you. Yeah, yeah, she found a rehab boyfriend and everything and ran off with them for sure. All right, what was she on? He was alcoholic. She was an alcoholic. Yeah, yeah. Okay, and that's all true. All true. Okay. Absolutely. Yeah, Someone was filling her baritone. Unfortunately, yep. So, Phil, a baritone, where are you from? I'm from deep, deep South Texas, deep deep South. Yeah, from the border town, because people think like South Texas, like they think of San Antonio or Corpus, but I'm from like a border town down in the Rio Grande Valley. Right, the Rio Grande Valley. Michael González, our chief super Mexican correspondent here with another layer of questions. If you're wondering how South he is, he's from Mexico. Um, can I say, can he was actually at a wedding that I was in?

Wow, that is the most Mexican shit. Amy and CJ, I was in that wedding. I see this one my best friend. Even Michael Gonzalez is a big mind. Shout out to you, CJ. When you see this, I love you, man. I love you. This is more Mexican than being inside of a pinata right now everybody. This is absolutely incredible Don't hit me. Please don't hit me. Please don't hit me. I got I got candy in me. I'm always going. Oh my goodness. Hell yeah

Absolutely incredible. Oh look another blind guy. Here he is. I don't know where oh All right You would think that the guy that helps the blind guy wouldn't wear sunglasses like a blind guy. It's like there's double blind guys. Like we should be able to tell them a part. Like oh, that's the one that helps the blind guy. It kind of looks like D is helping him right now.

It looks like D is guiding him out. I wonder if they can see each other. Oh, Filipito's riffing everybody. Oh, I'm sorry. I was just part of the riff festival. I love it. What do you do for work, Phil Laberto? So I sell past products, the Pescocho companies.

It's really easy. It's like at the McDonald's version of Pescocho. The Pescocho is what you're saying. Yeah, Pescocho. I sell Pescocho products, the Pescocho companies. Although with that jacket, you could work filling pod holes on a night crew. Yeah, hell yeah.

That is true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That is true. It isn't aggressively orange jacket. It's about lucky jacket because I put the jacket on for the first time and I got on the mothership last night. So I was like, hey, maybe it worked. You got on at the open mic.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, how about that go for you? It went amazing, bro. I feel like it was my best set of all time. Like I was in the pocket the whole time. It felt good. Okay. That's fun. Yeah, that whole time. It felt good. It felt good. That's fun.

Yeah, that's exciting. And you just came here randomly. You still live down south. No, no, I've been in Austin for about 80 years. But I've only been here in comedy for about a month and a half. A month and a half. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's exciting.

What a fun weekend for you. Yeah. Well, good last night, randomly at the open mic. That's all random drawn. Yeah. And you got picked out of the bucket here today. Yeah. All random. Do you think all this good luck is coming from? oh, did you just wink at me? I think I did what why did you wink at me?

I don't know I just want to buy I don't know I don't know Dude the guy Tony this guy got picked out of two buckets in a row. He's fucking shooting his shot Buckets in a row. He's fucking shooting his shot Tony we all saw it you were coming on of this dude. Oh, no Oops, oops was in an accidental wanker. Was it real? It was like some conscious. I don't know. I did do no no purpose. Well, I guess I do it. I guess I guess the universe is like Make right at you. You know what I mean? I'm sorry. I'm sorry Shout out CJ Navy. I love you

What the fuck is going on here a lot of things a lot of things are going on Tony All right, what do you do for work, filiberto? He just asked you bad. I'll tell you again. Um, oh That's right. That's control. So what kind of pest? Do that wind gun. Okay, David with another. What?

What? The same question. Yes, okay, thank you. I don't know what's going on right now. I think reviving it. Yeah, I think reviving. What? I think reviving it.

I think that's what's going on. Okay, you're a random bucket pool, I don't really. Okay, okay. Okay, there's tons of names like that. I could have been fucking anybody. I don't know what the fuck you're winking at, dude. I'm sorry. It's creepy.

Don't be creepy, Philadelphia. I'm sorry. That's my number one trick. Are you kind of gay? Is that what's happening? I don't know, maybe. Have you ever done anything with a guy before? I'm not yet.

Right. What's the gayest thing you've ever done? Uh, let me be honest, in middle school, me and my homies use to like jack each other off. Shout out to CJ. Shout out to CJ. Well, that's a life-long friend, baby. Actually, no, I told you no, baby. I told you no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Amy. Amy, this is the key for you, Mechie. This is the way Amy for you, Mechie. Bro, hey, you're not best friends until you fuck your own, you're best friends.

No, no. It's a little school, it's a little school, baby. CJ is about to blow his fucking brains out. This is incredible. CJ has seven days of life left. That's your dollar. Wait, you know CJ from the wedding, bro. Shit. Wait a second, this is all wedding. Oh shit. Wait a second. This is all crazy. It's like Mexican Jerry Springer up here. Holy shit. We are finding out there is a lot going on. Wait, you know CJ Michael? Do you have it? Do you have it? Do you hold those cool don't love it? Billaberto shut the fuck up. Okay, okay. Time to shut up.

You have CJ's number? So CJ's wife is my sister's best friend. Why don't you? Oh! Wait, do you have, hold on, let's see how many, let's see, call your sister. Call them. Hey, hold on. Call your sister.

Sister's best friend. Right, call your sister and have her call the best friend. Let's patch them in. But that was when the middle school, like two, two, 15 years ago. Televerto, shut the fuck up okay shut up okay okay okay until I ask you a question shut up okay okay this is all gonna happen we have to get yeah

you have CJ's put the mic up Deamer you got to put the mic up then yeah yeah can you can you send it to me? We have Send it you send it to me Yeah, send it to me really quick. Yeah, as soon as you can Never stop fucking It's unbelievable. Can you send me see chase them? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I think he's up there doing the fucking He's out there on the loose right now. We got a fucking

Oh my god. That'll square-touch. I need to check this again. Hold on. I'll send it to you. Oh my goodness. We are so close to for C.J. Can we bring back the Indian guy for the ultimate cool call?

Just a long pause. Hello CJ. Oh My god. Oh look at filiberto regretting his decision tremendously Oh my God. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. All right. All right.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, everybody's soft. Hold on. I'm excited. Hold on. Here we go. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,

don't hit it. Did you already hit it? Did you already hit it? Okay. That mic isn't on the pod, right? Is it on the pod? Guys, I know it. It is? It is? It is? It is on the pod. It is on the podcast or not? It is? It is now! But you're sure that's on the track for the pod?

You're a hundred percent sure. Okay. You know what to do. Here we go. This is Amy. This is Amy. Here we go. Kino on the lighting.

Filiberto, take a half a step this way. BEEP Hello. Hi Amy, this is Mikey. Hey Mikey. Hey, is CJ around you? You know he's at work. Wait wait wait wait wait wait. Where does CJ work?

Where did he get it? Where did uh, no. It's okay we can bleep it. Alright you're on you're on kt right now I need can you send me cj's number? Can you help me see James number? You want to write it down? I'm I'm busy right now I can't write

it down. Can you text it to me? Yeah hold on one second though before you go. Hold on hold on Amy hold on, hold on, Amy. Hold on. Tony's got a question. Hi, Amy. It's Tony Hinchcliffe. You're on Keltoni right now.

How are you? I'm doing good. So let me get this right. You're CJ's wife. Is that correct? That's correct. Okay. I'm going to have my friend here describe his penis to you.

And then I want you to confirm if that's correct. This is Filaberto. Hey, Amy, it was tune. You know me as tune, right? What? I can't really hear. You know me as tune, tune, tune. To what? Filaberto. tune.

What do you think the mic's going to do? You know me as tune, right? Dave, Dave, Dave. It's two. Two in from your wedding. Two in T-O-O-N. Oh, okay, yeah. All right, so CJ's Ziggs now small, right?

I can't hear. He can't speak properly. This was a middle school, so maybe a group. Yeah, every, wait, everybody's dick is small in middle school. Hold on, let's call CJ. We're gonna call CJ. Thank you, Amy. All right, where we are, we are one.

We're gonna be in more hell. No, you did great, Amy. You did great. You did great. This is like who wants to be a millionaire where the person doesn't know the answer. Can you describe? Here's the question. Can you describe? Here's the question.

Can you describe? Yeah, can you get that music out there? We'll wait and see. Oh. Red band doesn't know what to spell, millionaire. All right, she's texting me at his number right now. No, come on. Come on.

Come on, Red Band. It's M-I-L-L-I-O. This is dick small. Music, you have to get the theme music. Not the fucking show. Oh yeah. All right, all right, I got it. And here we go.

Keep it going, keep it going, keep it going. Keep it up. Who wants to be a middle school jerk off? I got it and here we go keep it going keep it going keep it up Who wants to be a middle school jerk off guy I'm like a high here we go perfect you ready yes and We are phoning a friend right now. Everybody. All right, lower it. What's up, CJ? This is Mikey, this is Breeze Brothers.

How you doing, man? Good, good, good. Good, good. All right, so I have your homie here, tune. I got this. All right. Tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him, tell him he's on with me. So check this out. You're on KT right now. Tony's got a couple questions for you.

Well, I'm at work and I get off for like 10 minutes. No, no, no, no, no. It's okay. You can take this question. You have 30 seconds. I can't hear you. You got 30 seconds? I can't hear you. You got 30 seconds? Yeah, 30 seconds. All right, perfect. Okay, so, you know what?

Yeah, give me the phone. Deemer, give me the phone. Okay, can you hear me? Yeah, I can hear you. Okay, so if you answer this question honestly and correctly, I'm going to Venmo you $500. Oh my god. Oh my god.

Oh my god. Oh my god. But if you lie or answer it incorrectly, you get nothing. Do you understand? Yes. So we have pulled out of the bucket, your friend, Filaberto. Do you remember Filaberto from middle school?

Oh, yeah, I remember. Oh, yeah, I remember. Oh, yeah, I remember. Oh, yeah, I remember. Oh, yeah, I remember. Oh, yeah, I remember. Oh, yeah, I remember. Hold on.

Hold on. Hold on. Got that comfortable grip. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?

What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck?

Hold on. I'm sorry to, I'm sorry to bother you while you're at work. You have 20 more seconds? Yes. What happened? Okay. So, alright. So here is the question.

When you were in middle school, you in filiberto did something to one another. This is your chance to win $500 if you answer honestly. What did you in filiberto do to one another? That's kind of naughty, that you might not want out in public, but you can get $500, Venmo to your account this evening. Right now, if you tell the truth, Venmo to your account this evening right now if you tell the truth and now is your time to answer.

Okay, okay so I'm gonna give you four options all right we're gonna make this a multiple choice question. I'm gonna still normally I would hang up the phone and keep my $500 and spend it on a bidet water or something like that. But I'm gonna give you one more chance we're gonna make this multiple choice. You have another minute. Okay here we go. That's right, you have to make it quick. So the multiple choice options are Did you in filaberto when you were in middle school? Come each other's hair Brush each other's teeth

Jerky each other off or make each other breakfast every day for a year It was a brush each other's teeth I'm going to go third. E-hung up! That's not boy, bro. That's my life on best friend. That's my life on best friend. I love that guy. Oh my god, and I am $500 richer. Holy shit. This show.

Oh, he's calling back! Hit the fucking music! Oh, my God. Give me that who wants to be a millionaire. I'll give you one straight to voicemail. Okay, we calling him back. Okay, let's call him back again. All right. $200. If he answers, honestly, man. He's not going to answer it.

He has a serious job, Phil Leparerto says, is it a hand job? You son of a bitch, a serious job. Oh, my goodness. All right, I'm gonna you think we should call him back in 10 minutes when the... All right. Phil Laberto, you hang out out back. We're gonna bring you back at the end of tonight's episode and we're gonna see if Michael you know Wait, what's this name again?

CJ you know CJ is this is this is like a devastating blow for him. I mean you he worked he has a government job Okay, all right. Well Cut it. Wait, hold on that shit might get you promoted today. Yeah, that is true. That is true. He has an open mind and a closed hand. Let me ask you this, Philoberto. Whatever you want.

Who do you think gave the better hand job? You were him. Mm, mm, mm. I think he did. I can't, I can't faster. Whoa, very good. Okay. And when he would do that where would you come would you would you just keep it? Where was your standing position? You run away

Oh You're like oh Oh, man, you're trying to cover your face. You're like, oh, I'm gonna come. We're all gonna be together out, bro. Bro's getting each other's brothers back. Yeah, it wasn't gay. It wasn't gay. Yeah, it's like gay if you go come in the corner.

No, I can't believe he went with we brushed each other's teeth. That is absolutely incredible of all the responses. You would think maybe the breakfast every day for a year. I mean, I did kind of like, I kind of, I was pretty good at disguising that gave each other a hand job. Like I said it fast and went, did anyone else catch the point when Tony went,

I'll give you four options and he went, make it quick. Like, yeah. Yeah. Like he felt the walls closing in on them. Unbelievable. Well, Phil Alberto, I will tell you this. We're going to let CJ, you're not going to offer him a show, a secret show.

Jesus Christ. You were a fantastic interview, Phil Alberto, being honest and sharing things about your real life is everything that the interview on this show is all about. Love all of y'all, I love this show. Your interview was so good that you're getting a big joke book and some Zippex toothpicks and a gel blaster and a can of liquid death on us. There you go. Oh, shit. It's hard to throw it with the Zippex. and a gel blaster and a can of liquid death on us.

There you go. Oh shit. It's hard to throw it with the zippx. I tried to keep the zippx in there and failed. We're done? That was my bad. That was my bad throw by the way. I was ready for it, but not really.

I know. Lord knows you are. You're always ready to take a load at any given point. Alright, there he goes. Filipperto Gomez. Good job tonight, Filipperto. There he goes. Filaberto Gomez. Good job tonight, Filaberto. There he goes. Filaberto Gomez.

Yeah, you're gonna get that on the way out. Yeah. Man, he really wanted that Joe Blaster. This guy loves Blasting Joe. Yeah, I mean. Holy shit. What an amazing time. Damn, this is a real live show.

Anything can happen. The phone calls a legendary part of this. Who wants to be a millionaire music really made it? How about a hand for Red Band, everybody? It's not easy. It's not easy me breathing down your neck. Spelling the word millionaire for you. You know, say the spot on next week's show for CJ because he's going to need a job.

I feel like that's going to be cut out. Yeah, we might just have to bleep the word CJ. Alright, make some noise for your next bucket pool. Andy Garcia everybody. Andy Garcia. Andy Garcia. one of the most famous and the car see everybody and the car see and the car see a areas everyone holy shit this is fucking crazy dude already this year there's already over two hundred cases of teachers banging

students which is pretty fucking sick the only thing that's slightly concerning about that is that out of all the years I had gone to school, I had never heard of a single one of my teachers that wanted to fuck me. And I'm not saying that I didn't have a chance of hooking up with a teacher back then, but my chances were way higher when I was 16, just saying dude. The crazy thing about that though is like, I don't know man, I'm not saying that it wasn't a possibility for me. I was failing chemistry pretty bad, but every guy that ever banged his teacher, when exactly

like how that porn was supposed to go. Kid comes in after school, trying to get some extra credit, worried about his financial and his educational career, and then, boom, he's getting a hand job from his teacher. I'm just saying, man, I don't know, that could have been me. I probably missed an opportunity, but fuck it. That's my time. I'm guacamole sad boy. Thank you so much.

Okay. Wow, Andy Garcia, getting absolute zero laughs. Zero laughs. Zero laughs. I mean, that is incredible. Holy shit, this is insane. Holy shit. This is insane.

Oh shit, this is insane. Holy shit, this is insane. Indeed, give me your- It's your shit out. It really is. It was bad, dude. Absolutely incredible. Whatever the, our version of a no-hitter and no-lafer. Absolute zero. I mean, nothing based on cadence alone, nothing based on the moments, the windows that you

opened and opportunized. It is hard to follow a guy throwing his best friend under the bus for giving him a hand job. Yeah, but there's no reason why your teachers would want to fuck you. And there was really nothing funny anywhere in between and or around the middle there. How long you been doing stand-up, Andy? About four months. Okay, that's a good answer for a set like that. That's not good. Yeah, this is pretty harsh, man. I'm not going to drink a little bit before this and think I was going to get called. What did you drink before this?

Rumpelmance. Oh, yeah. You got to be careful. I don't have a good relationship with my dad, I'm sorry. Yeah, but you got to save rumpelmance. You got to save those nasty, cheap liquors for after the show. Yeah.

Rumpelmance, not a sponsor of Killtony whatsoever, as you could tell. Absolutely incredible. It was insane, yeah, but this has been fucking, this is weird coming up here because you're sitting in a room of 70-foot-foot. I know, we know what's happening. You're sitting in a room, you're waiting, and then someone says it's you, and then here you are.

Oh, shit. Do you do this a lot with unbelievable opportunities that you're given in life? No. No, I don't. What's another amazing opportunity that you've had in life? You ever have a chance to completely change your life like that? No, I didn't.

No, here I am. This is literally the biggest opportunity. How old are you? I am 31 years old. 31. So you're even older than you look. It's been a long time. And this is it.

What do you do for a living? I actually, I bartend. I'm bar manager, stuff like that. Okay, bar management. Rumplements is the choice of industry people. Industry people love rumplements. One of the best barbacks in the world here at the mothership is a rumplements guy. The great and powerful Hayden, a very fun guy to drink with.

The owner of Vulcan, Nick, is a Rumpelman's guy. It's a very big six-street drink, disgusting to people that have been drinking since they were 21. When did you start drinking? Uh, probably when normal, like 18, 19, normal people. Okay. But when did Rumpelman start just a few years ago?

Probably like mid-20s, 25. Right, yeah. No one starts with down the compliments. It's a backwards thing. Very interesting. Very interesting. What do you do for fun? I don't really do much, man.

I barks and I fucking come down here to Sixth Street. I live in Austin, all the same bullshit. I coach boxing and kickboxing. Okay. All right. Are you good at boxing? I'm a good coach, yeah. I'm a good coach. I never wanted to fight

Okay, if you got into any fights on six street. Oh, yeah, dude. Yeah, I mean, it's six street Oh, yeah, it's fucking pretty easy to do. Yeah, how many fights have you been in Tony on six street zero me too? Yeah it's Yeah, I broke up a girl fight on a Wednesday when I was managing the library So I mean you can see the midget that got arrested this weekend? It's a pretty big deal. I saw it on fucking Instagram. I showed Yoni.

I'm like, is this fucking Austin? And it was. It was pretty easy though. I'm like, there's so much shit that happens here that I can't believe it when I see it on the internet. I'm like star struck. I'm like, is that fucking around the corner from us? It's like, everything happens here.

It's so exciting. And then there's you. Yeah, there's me. Yeah. All right, Andy, is there anything about your entire life that we would find interesting? Fuck, not. So that's the fact that I fucked this up, heavy.

Come on, you can still turn this around. You have a jerk off a friend in middle school? Yeah, I see. on, you can still turn this around. You have a jerk off a friend in middle school? Yeah. Dude, surprisingly I did it. And that makes me feel like I'm just a shitty friend. I've never even thought about drinking off one of my friends, dude.

Really? Never thought about it. Not even once while I was sober. I had Tony I'm out. You got anything else? How about when you were younger? Did you do anything gay when you were younger? Anything at all?

Remember, honesty is the best policy. I, uh, I, the only thing I did want to play soccer in my dad said that was gay, but other than that, I don't know. Yeah, all right, well. That was that. It was pretty much it. Well, you had a good dud.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was pretty good. Is he around? Is he been around your whole life? Yes. Yeah.

And your mom's also been around? My mom's also been around too. You see, this proves the theory about people that have both moms and dads and their lives being unfunny. Yeah. It is incredible. It's a thing. Did you know that?

It makes a lot more sense. I need more hardship in my life. Right. Yeah. OK. I'm not a recovering addict or anything, so I got really nothing going for it. Four months, what do you think the best joke you've written

is? Did you do it in that minute? Is that it? Is that your best minute that you think you have? No, dude, because there's a lot of it. Okay, can we hear your best joke? Fuck. How many of you want to hear his best joke? You still have a chance here. Andy, do not give up.

You still have a chance. Okay. I'm trying to save you here. Man, dude, here we go. This is it. Four months in the game, not long at all. Very hard to have one good joke in four months, but here he goes, giving it to us now. This is Andy Garcia.

Okay. Fuck. Well, me and my girlfriend were super high the other day. We're watching 51states, classic movie. And my thing is, is that we need to stop romanticizing movies because like any girl who watches 51states with their man, they're going to ask you the most obvious question. Would you do that for me?

Would you make me fall in love with you if I lost my memory? Probably not. To be honest with you, it's really hard to be that honest because I don't feel like ruining the rest of my day. But I'm not going to say that. I'm going to be like, yeah, of course I would make you fall in love with me even though I have a full-time job. I love starting a video game over after I just beat it.

All right, all right. Wait, you know who's funnier than you? Go ahead, hit me. Andy Garcia. The dramatic actor. Andy Garcia. Andy Garcia. The dramatic actor. Andy Garcia. Andy Garcia. The actual actor.

Absolutely. Is it weird having the name of someone talented? Yes, it is. Yeah. Yeah. Sure is. Yeah. OK.

Do you like your job? Do you like working at a bar? No. No. What do you want to do? Man, well, I was going to say comedy, but this isn't going fucking... That is correct. Yeah, probably just keep doing bartending till I have a better performance than this.

You're 31, you're four months in, hard to start at 31. Is there any job other than bartending or comedy that you would like to have? Shhh. Probably go back to just selling weed, you know what I mean? It is less gavin' soccer. That is true. I'm really scrambling on how to give this little storyline a happy ending here Andy. You're really leaving me with nothing at all.

No options whatsoever. Every opportunity that I've given you from the second that I called your name, you have completely floundered. I know, dude, it's pretty insane. Do you have any other special skills or talents other than boxing coach? Man, no.

Did you teach yourself how to box? No, that comes from my dad. Oh, your dad taught you how to box. So your father was very close with your whole life. Yeah, like most Hispanic fathers teaching their son how to box Michael did your his bad airs the Michael very talented artist Michael saying no his dad did not teach him out of box. What did your dad teach you Michael? Shoot guns do you know that would be the second thing your Hispanic father would teach you as well?

Right, okay, shoot guns That'd be the second thing your Hispanic father would teach you as well. Okay, shoot guns. Alright, one big and shoot a gun you don't need to learn how to box, do you? There you go. She code. Absolutely. That is true. Oh man.

When he was teaching you how to shoot the gun, was he showing you this way or the gun? It was the last thing you taught me, uh. Right. OK, Andy, you're going to go with a little joke book here. Can you catch this, Mr. Rumpelmans? Oh, Rumpelmans. Handsome Z-Energy, B12 and Capping Toothpicks. Peppermint, watermelon flavored from Zippx Toothpicks.

You're going to get these sober up a little bit. Get your life together. Sign up again sometime Andy. Sign up again. You better. This could be the beginning of a cool story. You could be like, wow, you don't remember. The last time I was on, I was the worst of all time.

Could be a good story. Now we can't call C.J. back, right? We shouldn't. Michael's... We can do it. Let's do it We shouldn't. Michael's... We can do it! Let's do it one more time. Let's get it. Give me the who wants to be a millionaire music. Where's Philip Eerto? Is he still here? Is he long gone?

Yeah, go grab him. Oh, yeah. You didn't think it was gonna be that easy, did you? CJ's off of work. It should be fun. You have your phone? I know. For some reason, Michael was the only musician playing music during that part. It's very bizarre. The only person who's phone I needed. All these guys tremendously overpaid, by the way. This is one of the most expensive bands, one of the most expensive, they are...

I'm sorry, but you should... Oh! Ha ha ha ha! If you call them out for how well you pay them, they get very mad for some reason. I know, but I'm mad. I'm sorry, but you're mad. All right, relax, D. Jesus.

What are you flying about? Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. D is very snappy tonight. Oh, no. He's not, he's done. He's not. D is very snappy tonight. Oh, no. He's done. He's fucking sticking with that toothbrush and story. Well, you can give me a little bass drum

because I am indeed about to do the unthinkable ladies in gentlemen. I present to you, I mean, how do you close a show like this? It's incredible. I was worried that this part of the show wouldn't even possibly be here tonight coming off of two operations. Actual legitimate, fully verified skin cancer, and yet here he is a man of the people here for you, as he has been, more sets than anyone ever

in the history of the show, the only living member of the Killtoni Hall of Fame. The Tijuana Tarantula, the Vanilla Gorilla, the New Orleans Saint, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, this is indeed William Montgomery. That dude's dad should have taught himself how to shoot himself in the fucking head. What the fuck? So I'm very excited to be here tonight after having cancer removed from my face twice last week, but I think you all would like to know that the doctor said, maybe the best pound for pound cancer fighter he's ever seen. The good news, he said that there's a cure. The bad news, it's cocaine. So I'm back, baby!

I just found out that Barry Manelow came out as gay. Did y'all know this? I'm so pissed because I'm going to have to throw away all of my shirtless berry manalopposters into the trash. Okay, I stumbled on that one a little bit. I saw, I had cancer ripped out of my face a couple days ago. I'm not doing good right now. But I did, I saw a condom commercial last night. That industry must be in shambles. Zumers don't have sex. Straight people realize you can't get AIDS if you're straight.

Gaze or on prep. You know condom companies about to be saying, we'll make your dick bigger, promise. And if that doesn't work, they're going to start saying, ladies, if he doesn't use a Trojan he's a rapist Okay, that's my time. Thank you. All right. There we go The great the powerful William Montgomery. I love that card again You have a real security look tonight. Thank you so much again. I had a 50 50 shot at living or dying before the surgeries. You

all don't know those, but I had a 50 50 shot. So after I came out on the other side, I think I'm going to get into sweaters. So I got this sweater today. I literally got a sweat of God. Life is too fucking short. I'm going to start getting nice fucking sweaters. I was on my death spent toney i literally saw the light on to stay and thursday to stay and thursday that is true so we had the operation last to stay i get a call on wednesday saying he couldn't sleep in the pain the night before and the doctors called back saying that they looked at what they took

out and they didn't get all of it and uh and they had to go back in and do another operation for the cancer. They had to get more out of you. So you weren't able to make it this weekend. Tell us more. So did they put you out for these? Yeah, no, Tony, when I said I saw the light earlier, my heart literally stopped.

Redhead, people need more anesthesia. They pump me with too much anesthesia. I do remember hearing doctors kind of yelling off to the side, but yeah, no, I was dead. I was clinically dead for a couple of minutes, Tony. And I, because it seems like they would use a local anesthesia for that. I can literally see the stitches.

It's about a one inch, inch and a half wound. It was really bad. You should have seen how big the hole they could out of my face. I mean, Tony, it was brutal. I was on Advil, liquid gels, the whole fuck of... LAUGHTER I love Advil, liquid gels now.

Oh, you do? Yeah, no, they really held my face. I couldn't eat. I couldn't talk as eating spaghettios out the frame. I could not stop eating spaghettios. You were eating them out the frame? Yeah, out the frame. I just fucking, I'd pop one can open.

I'd be done. I'd be like, oh, I'm sick of this shit. I fucking died for a couple minutes. Nothing is guaranteed. I'd pop open another can. Fuck it. Eating those motherfuckers out the fraying Tony. I mean, one after the other, popping cans of fucking those,

eating Cheerios. I'm into circular foods now after, wow. That is absolutely, donut. Do you have a donut? No, I love donuts, Tony. You do? You eat them? You believe me, bitch?

Why are you looking at me like that? I can't stand don't us, bitch! No! No, but I'm a... I'm pre-diabetic. The guy at the place who's able to tell me I found out I was pre-diabetic, so I cannot eat don't us. The look of shock on this poor girl's face.

She looked to her left and her right, when you were so blatantly looking directly at her. Yeah, she's been throwing me off all fucking night. Right when I came out of here, I couldn't put my finger on what the problem was, but I knew there was a problem right there. Oh, my goodness, this is incredible. She seems like she's a fan of yours, William.

You're being rude. No, I don't think so. Right off the bat, right when I fucking, I was getting weird fucking, what's in your purse, bitch off the bat, right when I fucking, I was getting weird fucking. What's in your purse, bitch? I mean, why are you fucking holding it like this? I had skid kids in Rubu! She has a gun!

Ha! [♪ BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL RINGS, BELL Wow, amazing. The presence of the great William Montgomery. Again, the sweater to the beard and hair. I mean, you are a stunning specimen tonight. I must say, I think that skin cancer did you pretty good. Thank you. And I think I'm going to have a really cool scar. I'll be able to have a battle score after the, so excited about that, things are looking up. I'm hopefully, I think I'll see all Thanksgiving, Thanksgiving should be nice. Yes, thank you, we're going to give thanks together, indeed, of some ad bill liquid gels.

And what type of, are there any circular Thanksgiving day foods that you're looking forward to having? I have a tough, I tried to think tried to think I already tried to think of it. Sgiving red man says cranberry jello. Yeah, cranberry jello. Red man with it. Red man with it. Whatever Cindy Crawford. Fucking idiot. Wow, he called you Cindy Crawford. He called you a supermodel. Thanks, dude. But yeah, I don't know pumpkin pies, different kinds of pies.

Yeah, I'll just be doing all kinds of stuff. Maybe some sweet potato pie, maybe some apple pie, maybe so. You like sweet potato pie, D? Wow, look at that. We found something that D loves. I love that. Good to know. You know what?

I'm going to bring you a sweet potato pie next week. I'm going to say, I got $500 extra dollars that I didn't. Why not more? All because somebody brushed each other's teeth for so whole year. Well, it's the same motion, same motion, little, little thumb at the end. Except one you spit at the end. Ah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, they're all we've been through.

William, anything else going on in your life? No, what, Red Man? I don't know. I don't know why. I was a little doggie. Amped up tonight. Yeah, you've been throwing the show all fall night I've been watching it up here.

I don't know. We gave them an opportunity to talk about anything. Red Man wants to know about the little doggie. We are 10 minutes away from you two hanging out at a bar together, but I guess we'll ask right now How's the little dog doing good? Oh, I'm y'all wondering Gator's wonderful. We've been kissing each other. We've been hugging each other We've been giving each other butterfly kisses You know on a small dog do the math on that one, toad.

Wow. That sounds out the frame. Hey, hey, hey. Did you make that up? I've never heard that before. I've been eating spaghetti-os out the frame. Yes, I made that up on the fly. I think, honestly, getting the surgery

seeing the light earlier in the week, I think it has made me smarter. I think it has made me smarter, I think it has made me, I've been having these weird psychic abilities. I had this one dream I had, very vivid on Thanksgiving, us three are together, and we're all having a really good time,

and then just at one point, I swear to God it was last night, this very vivid dream. We're all there, and Redbine just grabs his heart, and he falls over. Wow. I swear to God I didn't even want to bring that up. Ever since I was put under I've been getting these very vivid dreams.

They're all about you Redban. I mean one is you falling down some stairs. It's crazy. I think you were having my that's those are my actual dreams. I dream of that when I'm awake and not seeing a light at all. I dream of him one day grabbing in between those sweet tips. No, it was a lot more dramatic here. I mean, you were dying. Oh, my heart.

No, you were screaming. Did he turn the color that he is right now? Yeah, am I green? Yeah, he looked blue, like a little boot. Wow. So what else did you learn when seeing the afterlife? What else? I want to go to heaven.

I think where I went was heaven. I used to be a waiter in the Applebee's. It was I was walking through this Applebee's with a tray filled with drinks and food. Just wearing my gear having fun seeing different relatives at the different tables and then somebody I don't even know who it is puts their leg out and I trip and fall with all of the drinks and that's where I kind of came to and I was hearing all the doctors screaming and crying about like who even is this guy why is he's getting

skin cancer cut off of his face why have have we put him under? He's dying now. It's just this very weird screaming and I'm just trying to let a float on. But yeah I mean it was so bad but yeah I've just been a bunch of dreams of Red Band dying again at Thanksgiving. There's one at Christmas where he actually gets shot by somebody when he's leaving some venues. But yeah, but then happy ones, me and Red Band's mom getting married. I've been having a lot of those. I think maybe in April, dude, we're gonna tie the night. You didn't know this, Red Band, but your mom and I have been speaking. I was feeling really bad about all the mom jokes, but we actually hit it off when we started talking.

And we're gonna tell your ass in maybe April, but we're gonna go forward with the relationship, Reb, and I've been having dreams of the wedding day, and you officiate, and you look like a bitch, but you look pretty cool. But you look pretty cool, and you get us, you marry us, Reb, man. She would never did a ginger cancer but you look pretty cool. But you look pretty cool and you get us, you marry us Red Bans. She would never did a ginger cancer fuck like you, man.

He would never, he would never marry a ginger cancer. I got it. God, you're selling a monster. You would never get with me. Well, we've already gotten together, bitch. What did you do with Red Bans's mom? Described to everybody. Described to the people. Oh, look at that. What happened?

Yeah, yelled, who do you? Right when I got in her fucking place, and then she just spread those things. Wide open. What the heck? And I get out of a cucumber. Wait, what? Yeah, and then I put it in her pussy. Yeah, it makes a noise like that.

And then what do you put in what you do? Put it in her butt, dude. Oh, really? Stop distracting him with buttons. Don't. Put a fucking cucumber in her butt, oh, put fucking up. Okay. Fucking lemon-like starbursts and her pussy.

You put a starburst in her pussy? Yeah, after I stop labor. What flavor? Ooh, uh, red. Oh, cherry. Pink one, man. Wow. Mike's good.

And then how does it end? How does sex with red pants, mom, and? I'm done with your ass bitch! I'm kidding, man. I'm done with your ass bitch I'm kidding wait you're kidding no I never get them now fucking your mom we did it again will you have anything you want to promote or plug or anything you're one of the biggest people I have been here right now yeah please I can help divorce people I can help marry people I can help get right now. Yeah, please, I can help divorce people.

I can help marry people. I can help get long lost loves together. It's like a Craigslist, misconnections. I basically turn it like a Craigslist. We're the fuck are y'all going? Oh, they're sneaking out. But yeah, just middle row smart, Chicago, and the middle of December.

William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes, the living legend. Guys, great fits him in San Francisco. November 30th, December 1st and 2nd. He's in Fort Worth, December 15th, 16th and 17th. He's at the Den Theater in Chicago, the 13th of January. San Francisco, Fort Worth Fort Worth Chicago the website is

Fitzdog dot com. It's dog dot com. That's F-I-T-Z-D-O-G dot com one of my favorite comedians of all time makes me so great fit Simmons everybody Dave Smith on YouTube 30 minutes with Dave Smith the new special is out. I do believe he is the future president of the United States of America makes a noise for Dave Smith everybody. A lot of common sense if you're in the politics and fucking humor. Follow is shit. Very, very, very smart man. A lot of fun stuff happening. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible.

The drawing from Chris Rogers, local artist. Look at that, a new cam Patterson. Oh shit. It's awesome. We might have to give that one a mama tonight. How about a hand for Mrs. Cam Patterson up in the balcony tonight? Thank you to Jill Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, NinjaBuses.com, Connect Mobile Health, Austin Security Guard Service, Hall Lopper, and Don Carlos, Sabrina.

Have a one more time for the best standband in the land. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns. Ben Muleling on the electric. John D's on the keys. And D-Man is on the bass guitar. We did it again. Check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club,

SunsetStrip, ATX.com. I love you guys. We love you, New York City. I'm with you, December 1st. Two shows at the Town Hall. Florida, Mid-Decephre, Clearwater, and some other places. TonyHinchcliff.com for very few tickets remaining for those shows. I love you guys, thank you so much, good night everybody.

Some exclusive Pilts, Tony Merch for sale on your way out. Thank you. Go enjoy Austin, Texas. 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2%, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2%, 2%, 2 %, 2 %, 2 %, 2%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2, 3%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2%, 2 nd 1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1. ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

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