KILL TONY - #639 - TIM DILLON

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is RedBan and you're listening to the Desquad Podcast Network. This episode and every episode of Killtony can be found at Desquad.tv. All are merch can be found for Killtony at Killmerch.com. Tony's on a brand new Tories going all over the place to check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything GoldenPony. And last but not least, don't forget I have a new comedy club called the Sunset Strip. We have a bi-weekly show with the Killtony Band and the Secret Show is every single Thursday Get Tickets at SunsetStrip ATX.com.

Starting point is 00:00:38 And now a brand new episode of Killtony. Tony. Hey, this is Redbane, coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas. We're at brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony and Slim! Glam! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh? Yeah, it makes me wish for Red Band everybody You did it you made it you're at the number one live podcast in the world. Kilt Tony brought to you by gelblaster Red Rose, yellow rose, connect mobile health.com, where you can use the promo code kill 10 and get 10% off your IV drip full recovery here in Austin, Texas. Ninja party buses.com where you can reserve your ride to the arena on the 30th and 31st sold out shows in Austin, Texas for this show.

Starting point is 00:01:46 How about that? Donorina is pretty cool, right? And you're here in a fucking basically a tiny box with us. Paul Law, firm and Austin Security Guard Service. Have it a hand for the best man in the land, everybody. That's the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns. Matt Muleing on the electric guitar.

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Starting point is 00:10:04 Every single week, sometimes it's one, sometimes it's two, sometimes it's three, there's been upwards of six guests on here at a time. This week is a special one. My goodness, one guest needed, one guest only, literally, without a doubt, one of the most legendary guests in the history of this show. One of the greatest comedians on planet earth. Our guest tonight is Austin's own Tim Dylan. Fuck yes! Take some fucking noise for Tim Dillon! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:10:48 On a Monday night! Yeah, very big! Beautiful! Austin Tech! Yeah! Tim Dillon, fresh! Off of Carnegie Hall! Oh yeah, thank you. Touring the world.

Starting point is 00:11:06 Thank you, I just got back. I was a hostage in the Middle East. Ha ha ha ha. There's the kind of doing my part. I love it. You're absolutely everywhere. And now you are here. We couldn't be happier.

Starting point is 00:11:19 I'm excited. You know the show, you know it well. You've done it in the belly room, the main room, fucking everywhere that we've done it in Austin, Texas, Balkan gas company. Maybe there was another place, I don't remember. And here at the mothership, very, very exciting, we're going to have a lot of fun. Luckily, you know how it works. I don't have to explain it, but just in case somebody brought a wonky girlfriend or something

Starting point is 00:11:42 that doesn't know how it works. A ton of people signed up for the opportunity to get 60 seconds uninterrupted on this stage. If I pull their name out, you know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which interrupts them and leads us into the interview portion of the show where we find out more about them and what makes them special. You guys ready to start the show?

Starting point is 00:12:06 Well, you know, I could go to the bucket and I will in order to pre-pick and we're going to grab the person from next door. That looks like a good one. And they're going to be waiting, but in the meanwhile, we're going to start the show with one of our esteemed regulars, everybody. You know them. You love them. I present to you the man defending his regular ship on New Year's Eve. This is the great Hans Kim everybody Thank you guys good to be here. I love it when there's a conflict in the Middle East because I got to find out which of my friends I thought were Mexican.

Starting point is 00:12:54 I shouldn't be flying with. I have been getting a lot of hate online for my jokes about the Israel Palestine conflict. A lot of people online have been calling me a Jew hater, which I hate. Because for a second there I think they're calling me a Jew. Jew. No! Hater. Okay. My girlfriend has recently been getting on my ass. She's like, you got to shave, because when I kiss you, it hurts when you have a five o'clock shadow. I'm like, you think that hurts?

Starting point is 00:13:36 Try rubbing the tip of your dick on your September o'clock shadow. LAUGHTER Thank you. There he is. Exactly 60 seconds. Hans Kim with another new minute. Very exciting. Thank you. It's very new.

Starting point is 00:13:57 What'd you say? It's very new. Yeah. How'd you feel like that went? I felt like that went better inside my head where I was just Inside my own head the Mexican joke is killer because that is true, right? You know you can never tell these days. It's it's crazy Unsettling yeah those brownies

Starting point is 00:14:20 Those brownies. That's what I call them. If you don't know which ones they are. Yeah, it's crazy. I recently went to a Thai restaurant and I thought they were Thai, it turns out they're Mexican. Ah, interesting. What did, how was the food? The pan Thai would taste it a little bit Mexican. It's like a little sweet, but the curry was great So I don't know what it is with Mexicans and curry, but they really got away with curry these Mexicans Okay, well It's all very interesting. Yeah, it makes sense Mexicans and Thai people both have a love for rice and This is like a Nazi cooking show. Like a white supremacist cooking.

Starting point is 00:15:12 Rice, Mexicans, time. So Hans, you're all over the news this week. I can't believe you didn't really cover that. Oh yes, you didn't talk about that in your brand new minute. You forgot that for the first time ever in your life You were in the world news. Yes. Thank you Might be worth acknowledging I got on the news for telling a joke that the New York Post that was off color So you know, that's a good sign. I take that as a compliment. They called you in 80's

Starting point is 00:15:44 What they called him an idiot. Yeah. What? They called him an idiot. Oh, the New York Post called. An idiot comic. Oh, wow. And there was no one in the article calling me an idiot. They just wanted to call me an idiot, so they put it in quotes. Yeah, New York Post quickly becoming TMZ.

Starting point is 00:15:58 Well, TMZ is becoming more of a legitimate news source. It's kind of weird, but TMZ covered you this week too. Oh shit, I don't know. You didn't know that? I had no idea. And the Rolling Stone covered you today. Did you know that? Yes, in Brazil, yes.

Starting point is 00:16:13 Oh, it was the Brazilian Rolling Stone. My team, my counsel did not tell me it was the Brazilian Rolling Stone. Thank you, McVader. Do you see Hans and the Rolling Stones today? No, I didn't get a chance to read the Brazilian Rolling Stone. You fucking goofballs. Who's on the cover of the Brazilian Rolling Stone? Just anybody. The Brazilian Rolling Stone, funny enough, written by Thai people. You never know what you're gonna get.

Starting point is 00:16:41 There's always a roll reversal happening here. But it was a Matthew Perry joke, correct? Would you like to do the joke that got you in trouble? See if we can get you in trouble again. Double Trouble. Yeah, Matthew Perry. Matthew Perry, fat bloated corpse, Matthew Perry, recently passed away very sad. You know, for a guy on a show called Friends, you could have used a couple. No, that's not it. You didn't even do your own show. I didn't set it up right.

Starting point is 00:17:07 I'm sorry. You did not set it up right. This is what you are really an idiot comment on. Incredible. It's Matthew Perry drowned in a hot tub for a guy that was on Friends. You think he would have a couple of them. Oh, nice.

Starting point is 00:17:20 Nice. Really not worth canceling anyone over. Definitely not. The only person that ended up canceled in the whole thing was Matthew Perry. You survived with your head above water. Yes, I mean the New York Posts. Yeah. The New York Post made Matthew Perry's life miserable when he was alive.

Starting point is 00:17:44 I'm just talking about him when he's dead. That's a really good point. Wow. Who cares if you're dead? You can say anything. Like, fuck, Bob Barker. Whoa! Whoa!

Starting point is 00:17:57 Where did he get it? He loved it! Bob Barker Triple B has been brought into the field. His play is under review. I'll dare you to talk about the unbelievably cool, the band that was there with us on all of our sick days as a child. You went straight for Bob Barker?

Starting point is 00:18:17 I was there. Normally when a Korean's roasting a Barker, they're about to eat a dog. Oh. Thank you. Thank you. Oh, that wasn't D's, okay. Oh, that was the prices right theme on piano, everybody. Red ban over here. Yeah, you got it.

Starting point is 00:18:36 Oh, eight bit. That's always good. Don't, don't, don't. Hans, anything else exciting happened this week? My girlfriend and I got into a huge argument. Let's talk about that. She wants me to come over all the time. She very rarely makes the drive over to see me.

Starting point is 00:18:55 And I got really mad at her. I was like, you're taking away my time. I really want to podcast. You're not letting me podcast. And I really was hurting my comedy career. I'm being mentioned in Brazilian Rolling Stone. So what did she say to that? She was like, okay, I'll do more of what you want and today I jerked off on her. Wow, you love jerking off on her. This is incredible. So when you're jerking off on her, is she fully clothed?

Starting point is 00:19:25 She jerking off on her. This is incredible. So when you're jerking off on her, is she fully clothed? She, it seems like she's not contributing at all to us. Is she awake when it's happening? It's kind of. It's better when she's not. Yeah. Ah. Ah. No, she's fully awake and consenting.

Starting point is 00:19:43 Is she clothed? I can't picture that. She starts out clothes, and then she does one of these, where she lifts it awake and consenting. Uh-huh. Is she clothes? I can't picture that. She starts out clothes and then she does one of these where she like lifts it above her tits. And that's where you... That's where I can ejaculate on the table. Oh my God. Wow.

Starting point is 00:19:54 You're basically just a one man man. She does the first Christ removed. She ripped me. She's like on the machine. And you're just like, ah! Hot! Oh! Oh! I got a... And that's how I... And you're just, ah! Hot!

Starting point is 00:20:07 Oh! I got a... And that's how it goes. So then what do you get, are like a towel or something like that? What do you have, like, one of those fucking little wet naps or something? I, uh, yeah, I have a little towel lit. I got it and then I wipe it off, but at her house I just use toilet paper. Oh, god, amazing. You ladies are really missing out.

Starting point is 00:20:29 Letting Hans Kim be out there, taken on the market. I'm sure this is what everybody wants. There's little bits of toilet paper in their belly button. I mean, what an opportunity of a lifetime. Absolutely incredible. Double ply? Yes, the finest. Okay, very good. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:20:47 The quilted picker upper. All right. Well, Hans, way to get the show started, you did it again. We love you. That's Hans Cam, everybody. We're going to get through tonight's episode. We're pre-picking another name. The bucket of destiny, anything can happen. This is 60 seconds straight out of the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. This is a part where we find perhaps the new talent of the world, perhaps a completely insane person.

Starting point is 00:21:17 Truly anyone can sign up and anything can happen. Your first bucket poll, 60 seconds uninterrupted. And then an interview going to Olivia Carter, everybody. Olivia Carter. Here we go. I hate my brother's fiance. She hasn't worked in a year because she's writing a children's book. And I was like, that can't take more than an hour.

Starting point is 00:21:46 What? And I know she doesn't like me either because she's always like, God, you're so thin. Then I'm like, so are children's books. And I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to ruin their wedding. And I think I've decided I'm going to lose like a concerning amount of weight, like a conversation's worth. And I'm going to show up like I'm on a hunger strike until the children of America get a new book. That's it. Fuck yeah, Olivia Carter. Absolutely. That's a real comedy set right there.

Starting point is 00:22:36 Thank you. Hell yeah, welcome to this is your first time here, right? Yes it is. Amazing. I love that children's book stuff. We actually have a friend that wrote a successful children's book the great Hesu's Treyhoe One of our former co-workers and copayed regulars at the comedy store And he's very successful with it and I was thinking all those things that you said when I was talking them about it

Starting point is 00:22:58 Yeah, they're for children. He's like showing it to me. I'm like wow dude Really fucking like really worked on this. Like, gudu, gaga, and then we saw dog, and then there's a dog. I'm like, what the fuck? I'm like, how much are you making? Is she successful from that? No, she's done nothing, yeah. Right.

Starting point is 00:23:19 No children, even want to read them. No, she's still working on it. What's it about? She doesn't know yet. Oh shit. Inspiration has to strike when it strikes. It's going to be after she's married. That's amazing.

Starting point is 00:23:34 What do you do for a living? I'm trying to do comedy. How long have you been to in standup? Three years. Three years. Where are at? I was in Chicago. I just moved to New York.

Starting point is 00:23:43 OK. What made you go to New York? I want to do just moved to New York. Okay. What made you go to New York? I want to do the scene in New York. Right. You want to stay cold through the winter. Yeah, I want to freeze Absolutely. Is that where you're from originally Chicago from Kansas? Okay. You're making progress. Yeah. How long were you in Chicago for? Three years about yeah, right and now you've been in New York City for how long? I like four or five months four or five months and how long are you in Austin, Texas? I'm here all week, baby. You're all week. Look at that. Absolutely. The joke was fucking awesome. Thank you Awesome show. Yeah, it's amazing. So how do you survive?

Starting point is 00:24:21 Okay How do I survive? I have a day job. I'm going to say, you don't have a sales, you know. Yeah, I'm not very charming, right? I just feel like you'd be like, so you want it? You want it? No, you're like, good. I get it. No. I don't want this shit either. It doesn't work.

Starting point is 00:24:35 I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it.

Starting point is 00:24:43 I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want it. I don't want'd be like so you want it. You're like no, you're like good. I get it I don't want this shit either it doesn't work You make dinner reservations and schedule massages looks like you really found your own gizlaine for yourself Yeah, it's not too bad Um in terms of J jobs. It's pretty chill. I get to work from home sometimes, right? So it's not too bad. In terms of J-Drobs, it's pretty chill. I get to work from home sometimes. So it's not too bad.

Starting point is 00:25:09 That's cool. Sick. What's your living situation in New York City? Very expensive. It is really expensive. We just had a couple move out, so we were splitting it four ways. And they moved out because they thought we lived in a dangerous area. It's not.

Starting point is 00:25:23 What area is it? I live in Bushwick. It is. Exactly. When you come from Chicago, nowhere is a danger. It's there. It's out. I'm like, it's fine.

Starting point is 00:25:33 He just wants to see where you live. You'd sit in anywhere. You'd be in Gaza right now being like, whatever. It's really outdoorsy. It's cool. It's not ever. No humidity here. It's fantastic. Yeah. So now

Starting point is 00:25:46 our rinse is expensive, but it is what it is. I've accepted it. Yeah. Just eating it. Absolutely. What do you do for fun? Where do you end to? I've recently discovered the power of mushrooms. Wow. I've been micro-dosing mushrooms and it's changed my goddamn life. I didn't know I could be so happy all the time. To be fair, I'm not sober all the time. But it's really like. I feel like it's changed my godjam life. I didn't know I could be so happy all the time. To be fair, I'm not so over all the time. But it's really like, I feel like it's like a cure for anxiety. It seems to be. It's definitely not. Yeah. Ah, it's certainly not a cure for it.

Starting point is 00:26:17 There's no doctor saying that. Yeah. Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah. But it's not a bad thing to do. Dr. Joe Rogan thinks that it is. And I mean, he's been right about everything. You think it's a bad thing to do? No.

Starting point is 00:26:33 Yeah. But you don't think it should like cure your, you should use it as like a microdose, like daily thing. Well eventually you'll have to start macrodose. Yeah. And then you're just on mushrooms. That's the fact that you're just eating an eighth of shrooms in the morning. Yeah, it's not a problem.

Starting point is 00:26:46 No, you're... That's very Christmas. It's a lot. It's a lot. Yeah, I get that. You don't want to get too energetic and outgoing. I'm already off the walls. Right, yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:59 I love it. What do you like to do after you eat the mushrooms? What's something? I'm a runner. I like to run on mushrooms because you kind of don't feel your body. Yeah, and you can just do something. Sorry, I farted. Is there something chasing you when you're... I do have an app that tells you that zombies are chasing you so you run faster. Really? Yeah, is anyone like an episode of Black Mirror?

Starting point is 00:27:27 Yeah, I have an app. Yeah, that's incredible. You haven't heard it's called Zombie Run. Okay. You put it on when you're running. It's like, wow. Do you know I'm talking about? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:39 Oh yeah, a big runner red band. Yeah, I do know it. Yeah, he puts it on to fall asleep at night. Me and Red Band have an app where it says the zombies are outside, so we don't leave the house. Oh, I'm staying in. It's the app that we have. It's called Stay In.

Starting point is 00:27:58 Amazing. And you just look out in New York running, listening to zombie noises, pretending like the migrants are the zombies. I'm guessing. Am I correct? No. What do I pretend? No, I pretend they're real zombies. Right.

Starting point is 00:28:11 Okay. What's your love life like? Ask all the boys this. It feels weird when I... Yeah. It's cool. It's fine. New York dating is weird.

Starting point is 00:28:22 It's like too over-saturated. There's too many boys and they're all like, I feel like it's because the hottest, there's such beautiful women in New York and sometimes you fuck up and you fuck a weird guy. And then that weird guy thinks that he deserves hot women. Yeah. And they don't.

Starting point is 00:28:37 And they don't. And so when you're dating out there, they're like, I could do better. And you're like, no, you're not. Right. And this is the best it's going to get. And that's just Pete Davidson. It's incredible.

Starting point is 00:28:47 It's absolutely amazing. That's all it takes is one hoe to throw off the whole economy. Yeah. Incredible. Do you offer two handed massages when you, uh, she doesn't give the massage fucking thing. I would have to have you on the secret show Thursday. Wow. You just got looked at a real show.

Starting point is 00:29:08 And here's the big joke, can you catch? Oh, there you go. Nice. All right. Erin, here's some zippx toothpicks as well. They're nicotine toothpicks. You're gonna love those. You can throw them in the song piece or whatever.

Starting point is 00:29:24 There she goes. Olivia Carter, everybody. Thank you. She's on Instagram at OG Carter. Yeah, there she goes. And we're back to the bucket. You guys get it, we just met one. Now we're going to the next one. All right, makes some noise to your next 60 seconds,

Starting point is 00:29:41 going to Matt Robertson, everybody. Matt Robertson, we're gonna meet them all together I It takes me forever to come you know during sex. I'm sure people have that problem Waiting for me to come is like waiting for Jimmy Carter to die Like it seems like it should happen a while ago But I'm still just like lying there. Yeah, I'm divorced, obviously.

Starting point is 00:30:13 Yeah, the worst part is my ex got custody of the kid. That really hurt. To be fair, I was her daughter from a previous marriage, but I thought she'd got something out of this. But I'm dating single moms now. That's just the lane I'm in. Dating single moms is kind of like dating a prisoner, you know. You see him like once a month for 30 minutes. You got to talk and like hushed tones like, shit will be okay. I love

Starting point is 00:30:36 you. Just a couple more years, you know. The kids like the warden like hurry it up. Let's watch SpongeBob. I need pepper pig. Let's go. Chicken nuggets. No touching. Get off my mom. Learn to come quicker. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:30:53 There it is. Matt Robertson with exactly a minute. You're the first time on the show, right Matt? No, I was on with grapefruit, grapefid simons, Vulcan. I wore the Superman shirt. You said the only thing I hadn't come with Superman is that we both, like we got, changed in a telephone booth. That's right.

Starting point is 00:31:11 That's right. I said it funny. I enunciated into the microphone when I did that. And it went boom, the whole crowd went wild. So Matt Robertson, how long you been on stand up? Probably like six, seven years. Wow. How often do you perform?

Starting point is 00:31:29 Not as often lately, I've just been busy with work. What kind of work are we talking about? I was doing set decoration for films and stuff, set dressing, but then the strike happens, so I went back to waiting tables. We had tables like at Japanese restaurant. Gotcha. Gotcha. Alright. The single mom drug is good. Thank you. Thanks Tim Dylan. It could be better. Yeah, it could be better. It's not the greatest, but it is good.

Starting point is 00:32:00 Oh thank you. That'll keep me going. That'll keep us who aside off for a while. Jesus. I feel like you are standing on the Golden Gate Bridge as we have this conversation. I'm like, it's good. You're like, no, no, no. Just to have those vibes. Why a Japanese restaurant? Why do you...

Starting point is 00:32:23 It was the only place that hired me. Okay, what do you think you did to get the job there? I showed up. I applied to a lot of places. Why did they hire you? I don't know. I'm not very good at it. I do my best.

Starting point is 00:32:39 I'm not a very good waiter, but I'm personable. I try to have fun. And that's because that culture, let's be honest. It's, you know what I mean? It's not the most warm. No, they're very... Right. Have you not been anywhere? They're not the most, but they're efficient. Yeah, even a lot of Japanese, a lot of Japanese people show up and right before you say the name,

Starting point is 00:33:00 they're like, three waters, two gears, they're different. No, they know what they're doing. Yeah, there's no hugs. Yeah, no, they're very put together. Yeah. And you're a bad, you're so you're admitting to being a bad server. I don't think I'm the best. This people are at the table like, how does this waiter ever going to come? Yeah. Yeah. That's a lot of you knock them down. Yeah, no, I'm good at it.

Starting point is 00:33:25 I do my best, and I haven't been fired or disciplined, so, you know. You've never been disciplined? No, no, I mean, that's a good thing. I've never been, oh, I was ridden up once, but... Do they know you're working there? Yes. Okay. Yeah, they're aware.

Starting point is 00:33:41 What did you get ridden up for? A lady said I was high out of my mind, which is impossible. There's like three hours after that. And then... And then... Wait, now, a customer said that? Yeah, but it was like, it was 110 degrees,

Starting point is 00:33:56 and I was on a patio. I was having like heatstroke and shit, and I was like, can I get you more? Dude, that's the best. Did a customer went to probably a Japanese person, right? No, a white lady. And she gassly me because the whole time she was like, he was so great. And then she left and was like, fuck that. I didn't have a good time. I hated it actually. And like, wrote my manager like, she was laughing the whole time. And then retroactively had a shit time that

Starting point is 00:34:17 she didn't let me know about. I would have changed something. But maybe you thought she was having a good time, but you were high. That's, I think that, I think that a lot about women. So, that happens. Is everything that you talked about true, you really take a long time to come? Not so much anymore, because I'm off-hand in a press, and it's like the opposite. It's like 30 seconds or a minute.

Starting point is 00:34:37 I would get back on them. Yeah. Well, no, I snuck. Yeah. Just from the, I, no, because the last girl was dating, I think, because I never came, she kind of left. She would like jerk me off for a long time and blow me and then try to fuck me

Starting point is 00:34:50 and I'd have to go see the blue shoe. When you say jerky off a long time, was this at the Japanese restaurant? No, I probably would have come. But... Jerky off long time? Oh, yeah. That's the verbage.

Starting point is 00:35:02 I see what she did there. Yeah, you did it. I just noticed it. I didn't you did it. I just noticed it. I didn't even do it. I just repeated back what you said. You're like, she chucked me off long time. I'm like, whoa, whoa. All right.

Starting point is 00:35:14 The Japanese. Yeah. The very good people. My dad, Grandad, actually fought the Japanese when we were two, so. You might not want to tell him where's the bad guy. Oh, they know. I bring it up all the time.

Starting point is 00:35:24 These guys beat me. Yeah, he killed a lot of them. It was like 19, 100 pounds soaking wet. uh... you might not want to bring up all the time yeah he killed a lot of them like nineteen a hundred pounds soaking wet yeah water they were high to his in the air force uh... yeah army so when's the last time you uh... hooked up with a woman let's hear the uh... when did you get off the antidepressants uh... about fifteen years ago

Starting point is 00:35:43 well i went to rehab and i went to rehab and they took them away and they lied to me. You went to rehab for what? Just alcohol and weed. Founded like heroin there. There was a real pause. Really stumbled over here. I kind of did everything.

Starting point is 00:36:00 Like I was kind of a dirt bag. I would do Coke from a guy at the bar named GD. He's in jail now. Prison. OK, wow. Yeah. Thanks for from a guy at the bar named GD. He's in jail now prison, but yeah Thanks for telling us that it was prison not jail Yeah, he's a heavy hitter. He's not a pussy. He's prison Not a bitch He's not a fucking jail like a bitch

Starting point is 00:36:20 He's in prison. He's still in federal holding. Yeah He's a bad man. He like young girls. How long are you sober? I'm not sober. I drink now. I can do a good. Oh, yeah, you can do a good. Yeah, I think it it out. Yeah It is a game you can hack. Oh, yeah I did trunes before I came on here. So I think that might have made it less shitty But I so I'm microdosing a little right now. So you're always there's a theme tonight Everybody's going on there always special microdose episode of kill Tony. Yeah I'm out of my mind tonight. You know what that sound means everybody

Starting point is 00:36:59 A lot of my shrooms here tonight. I mean, I'm yeah, I'm losing a little bit It losing what just my this is yeah a lot. No mean, yeah, I'm losing it a little bit. It losing what? Just mind this is, yeah, a lot. No, it's fun. Oh, did you hear that? Yeah. The Nintendo sound, yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:13 Yeah, Nintendo stuff. Yeah. What are you talking about? It's right, it's right, it's right, it looks like it's here. It's not just me. Oh. Matt, I like your style, dude. You's not shit to me. Oh. Matt, I like your style, dude. You've been doing it a long time. You probably should have had a slightly better set.

Starting point is 00:37:32 Well, you know. But it was good enough for a big joke book. What did you get a joke book last time you wrote? I got nothing. You got nothing? I got the book. Well, here you go. You ready? You ready?

Starting point is 00:37:43 There you go. You ready? You ready? There you go. There you go. Matt Roberts in everybody. Thank you so much. Yeah, let's get another bucket pool. I like the momentum that we have right now. We're going to keep our next regular warmed up back there. Let's see what happens here with the comedy stylings of Heath Underhill. Heath Underhill, it's a good name. Good comedy name, makes it nice for Heath Underhill, everybody. How convenient would it be to be addicted to sucking dick and crack?

Starting point is 00:38:35 Like you run out of crack, you're like, yay, I'm out of crack. Let's go get some crack. I got broken up with about a year ago, ever since then I've been working on my revenge body. I started working on it, you fucking assholes. If you don't know what a revenge body is, that's when somebody breaks up with you, you work out really hard, eat real healthy, trying and get real good shape so you can kill your ex. I'm gonna work in hard too, man. I feel like I get like almost taker, like. I love it.

Starting point is 00:39:20 He's under-heeled. That was amazing. Appreciate it. Very good set. You took your time really well paced out great execution. You've been on the show before, correct? Yes, everybody. You're ago. Yeah, and that went pretty good, too, huh? Yes, yeah, that is good. Not this good. This was like flawless.

Starting point is 00:39:37 Yeah, it was absolutely perfect. You seemed like a real fucking pro. Remind us how long you've been on standup. Four years. Four years. All of it here in Austin. I started in Chad, New York, Tennessee. Okay years. Four years. All of it here in Austin. I started in Chad, New York, Tennessee. Okay. Where are you at now?

Starting point is 00:39:48 I'm in Austin. For how long now? A little over a year. Beautiful. You're exactly where you should be. Yes, sir. Everything's all happening for you. What do you do for a living?

Starting point is 00:39:57 I actually just got a new job. I'm selling like HVAC parts working in the warehouse. Okay. All right. Where were you doing before? He was my personal trainer. Sorry. We've been making some progress. Starting slow building.

Starting point is 00:40:12 Slow revenge. Getting there. Blind revenge is a dish best served cold. So, I'm hot. Ice cream and spaghetti air. We take a hot or cold man. I love it. What do you like to eat? Everything, you know that.

Starting point is 00:40:27 I do. I know that. You're used to that like you ate my ass this morning. You know that, Tony. Oh yeah, that's what we actually have a recording of it. Oh. My ass eating face. Oh, that was the...

Starting point is 00:40:44 Hey, gerbil, get back in there! Wait, Jerbal! Jerbal! Jerbal? Get over here. Hey, get back in there. All right, red-band relapse. Okay.

Starting point is 00:40:57 Oh, here's D-madness's first P-brake of the night. Here we go. This guy's dumb. I like to call them pee madness sometimes. This guy fucking, this guy urinates like someone with four eyes. All right. Okay. He since you were last on the show a year ago, what's happened in Austin? Give us a good something a night or a day? What's a good something that happened to you here?

Starting point is 00:41:22 Well, for a few months, I was like, I was working like scooping dog shit out of people's yards. Uh-huh. So it was fun. Um. Ah! Oh yeah. That's a job? Not, not if you're smart.

Starting point is 00:41:37 If you know what you're doing, you don't do that as a job. Oh yeah. Okay, so then what happened? I got a bit about pit bull. Oh What what ethnicity was the owner of that pit bull? Because all right, he's a good guy. Whenever I get so right He's one of the good ones You're holding back laughter right?

Starting point is 00:42:05 Which leads me to believe You're not back laughter, right? Which leads me to believe. You're not gonna say? It's okay. It's a question. Let's just say it was a couple when they were mixed. Mixed. Mixed with what? Each other? I don't know. Oh, you son of a bitch. We're gonna do the class! There you go, that's the official son of a mixed people.

Starting point is 00:42:29 That is nice and to be themed to friends. Amazing. Wow. I liked your joke about the weight loss revenge. I actually did that once. I was engaged to a girl for like nine years and I lost 65 pounds in like three months because I was so pissed off And cocaine and Adderall No, I remember that. It's weight watchers, but you were alive. She did the point system. You were so alive

Starting point is 00:42:57 I remember that's when I met you you were like a little skinny boy. Yeah, you still use those pictures as your avatar's online. You know me. Hell yeah, you ever catfish anybody? I tried. You look like you... Can you explain to us how you try? Um, you go on date? I'm really good at gaining weight. So I'll take a like a thin picture and then just gain all the weight and they're like,

Starting point is 00:43:35 what's up? You're spending a month. How does a thin picture work? Well, it's thin for me, not like for normal people. And then is it fun for you to take the thin pick and then you just eat? Yeah, yeah. Yeah. And so you plan on meeting them like a month later?

Starting point is 00:43:50 Yeah. Yeah. Well, it lets me. I'm like, oh, it's not. Yeah. I got a few more barbecue spots to hit. Yeah. And then.

Starting point is 00:43:59 So like the last date that you went on, when was that? What was that like? I'm going to raise relationship right now. Oh, you are? Yeah, so what does she do? She works at a lavender store. They have a lavender field and they make homemade... A laven? They have a... Oh my god. Oh my god. She's a Bettina Gravender. She's white.

Starting point is 00:44:21 She's white. How come you didn't answer that when I asked the pit bull question? Very quick to call her white. But when I say what color was the pit bull owner, it's a... Oh, it was a good person, Tony. It was a good person. One of the good ones, Tony. She doesn't own a pit bull. Right.

Starting point is 00:44:42 Right. OK. All right. What's your favorite move in the bedroom to do with her? She doesn't own a pit bull, right? Right. Okay. Alright, what's your favorite move in the bedroom to do with her? It's very interesting. You don't seem very agile. I'm interested in how. I'm good. Finger in is pretty fun.

Starting point is 00:44:56 Whoa, you do have some fucking thickies right there. I'm looking at those fucking fingers. She does too. Yeah. She does too? Oh shit. She does too. She does too? Oh, shit. Oh my goodness gracious. I am just hard as a rocker.

Starting point is 00:45:12 Unbelievable. All right, my friend. Well, you were on a year ago. Did you get a big joke book back then? I did. Well, there you go. You're doing everything absolutely correctly. Here's some zippx toothpicks.

Starting point is 00:45:24 Take those. Enjoy those doing everything absolutely correctly. Here's some Zippix toothpicks. Take those. Enjoy those. Zippbore. Smoke less. Zippix Two Picks. Alright, I mean we just got to get it going. Even though everything is business is booming. We're gonna bring up one of our regulars right now. Everybody this guy's an absolute fucking star. It's crazy to watch. Perhaps the fastest growing fucking talent in the history of the show.

Starting point is 00:45:49 Make some noise form. This is a brand new minute from the great regular Camp Patterson, everybody. I want to be an actor real bad, but you got to pick your roles very precisely for your first one. If you do your first role too good, that's your role forever now. Like I used to like a so-called snowfall and there was a guy that robbed the main character and then the main character hired somebody to rob him back to get the money back and they got he hired fucked him in the booted. He raped them, dog.

Starting point is 00:46:30 And they zoomed into his face getting raped. That guy can't be Batman. I like that, it's more of that, but I like that. That's good. Absolutely. That's more of that for sure. Get out while they're getting this good. Tag it later this week. That's amazing. There's a lot more of that, but I mean shit. Yeah, that was 50 seconds. That worked. Yeah, that was great.

Starting point is 00:47:03 Yeah. We wrote that shit in Phoenix. That worked? Yeah, that was great. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We wrote that scene in Phoenix. We did? What me and Kyle did. Oh, that's right. Yeah, yeah. Kyle, absolutely.

Starting point is 00:47:12 It happens that easily. Yeah, that should have been fun. Yeah, cool. Yeah, yeah. We had a lot of fun that trip. It is with the writing, laughing. It's all the same shit when you're doing what we're doing. So, yeah, who was it?

Starting point is 00:47:23 They played that scene for me. Yeah, I played it for you. I showed you that scene. We got fucked in the boot. I played it for you. That was crazy. Yeah, what show is that? Snowfall. Netflix. Nah, nah, Hulu.

Starting point is 00:47:34 Hulu. Yeah. And they zoomed in to his face, and he played it real well, bro. Like, yeah. That nigga played that shit. You thought he got raped for real. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 00:47:44 Then they got, oh, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. It was crazy, bro. Yeah. That nigga played that shit you thought he got raped for real Crazy bro, yeah, she was insane. It was really good acting. Yeah, man Oh, he probably got raped before maybe who knows yeah You could have got fucked in the booty before impressing the song Mm-hmm. He was like I found my calling in the middle of that you know that You never knew if you you've been to jail before right? I never been to that never always evaded them niggas though. I was really good at absolutely. Yeah, you absolutely You're pit bull ever bite anybody. They beat that nigga the last guy It was you all along

Starting point is 00:48:20 He wanted to you, but I don't my pit bull bit of the head nail Rocky Why did you name him rocket? No Rocky. Oh Rocky. Yeah, cuz it fucks people up He didn't want to tell you, but I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, I'm, Beautiful. Oh shit. You want a rock mitt? Oh shit. Oh, she does it. Blushing. Oh my God. Wow. Look at the joy on her face. She's out here hanging out with a full-size Peter

Starting point is 00:48:59 Dinklage over here. Just fucking, she's about to run for the hills. Look at this, doofus. She's with with look at this fucking Yugoslavian basketball player here that she's stuck with. Who is Peter Nicolay's neck? What about his neck? The the the midget from a former throne. The midget. Okay. He doesn't know game of

Starting point is 00:49:22 thrones. He knows the game. He knows watch the throne. he doesn't know Game of Thrones. He knows the game. He knows watch the throne. He doesn't know Game of Thrones. That's a rapper in an album. You put those two things together. That's crazy. That's hard. Game of Thrones would be a great album.

Starting point is 00:49:37 It would be a great album. Yeah, that would be the game. Jay-Z and Kanye West on the U.S. On the front. Tonya really niggas. See, I speak both languages. Tonya really niggas, y'all know that. Tonya real niggas, man. You hear that, everybody?

Starting point is 00:49:49 You hear that? It's one of my favorite compliments that I get and I get it all the time from specifically cool black people. So it's not the same when white people call you that at all. You're a real. You're a real nigger. Oh, what the fuck is that mean? Hey, that at all. You're real. You're real nervous. Oh, what the fuck did that mean? Hey, that seems disrespectful.

Starting point is 00:50:09 Yeah, you go, what the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? Wait a second. Wait a second, did we just crack a code? We can't say it, but the soundboard can. It took us 10 and a half years to realize this that is a Unbelievable we need different versions of that don't press it again, man

Starting point is 00:50:36 Got an itchy trigger finger over here Demand is threatening to you're in a twice in seven minutes Incredible Cam. What else is going on in life anything else interesting? I went back home for Thanksgiving. Okay. I was cool Back to Orlando Florida. Yeah, I went back to Orlando, but I like to go to my grandma house. I'm home. She living games with us I went back home to see my grandma. I love my grandma. She the best But the only thing about going home for Thanksgiving, like the food was terrible. Really? I thought black people used to all the season.

Starting point is 00:51:12 No, we the best at it, but they old now, all my, all the elderly people, my family, the oldest shit. You feelin' saying the cook is old, so they don't know how to cook no more. Right. So all I ate was greens and rice. That's all I ate for Thanksgiving. And that hurt my soul, and then. Damn, damn was greens and rice. That's all I ate for Thanksgiving and that hurt my soul. Oh damn.

Starting point is 00:51:25 Damn. Greens and rice. This is so... Damn. Alright, what the fuck? You have to find when the N word is on that. You can't just play in W.A. a random time. She's this red man. Duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, duh, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, d, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. Great stuff. No, no, no. You have to, there you go.

Starting point is 00:51:49 There you go. There you go. There you go. There's gonna be this mic get taken down off YouTube. Oh, yeah. Oh, geez, you're booing the N word. Easy, easy said it, man. Come on.

Starting point is 00:52:03 Let's go in all right, that man. We're having a conference on whether or not a sound board is allowed to say the N word on the show. It's very exciting. Can I get Tim Cook on the finger? What? Yeah, that's right. It's red-band finger.

Starting point is 00:52:17 You know what, to be honest, you guys were saying there are real N word. And I was like, I know a song that's called that. And that song's called real inward don't die and I just hit play at the beginning I didn't know that was at the beginning I didn't know that was at the beginning in his defense I think his finger can do it because it is thick and white and you know who loves you know who loves thick white things hit the fucking button right then white things. It's the fucking button right then. Right now Tim's like am I gonna get to do Carnegie Hall again? What am I doing? This is AI, this is the problem. It's true.

Starting point is 00:52:57 It's just why people worry about AI. AI can say it, TI can say it, very few things can say it. Yeah. Okay. Cam, I fucking love you. It's amazing. The work we're doing. You're absolutely killing everywhere, everything. You are a fucking beacon of what is possible on this show from the bucket to fucking selling out and crushing all the time.

Starting point is 00:53:18 Thank you, bro. Full unbelievable shit. Camp Patterson, everybody. Hey, guys, we're with. We found him out of the bucket And now single week he with the new minute and also on the road Constant I mean he goes right before me on the theater shows now because it's just ridiculous the laps

Starting point is 00:53:43 They're continuous. He's a fucking star. star it's unreal how about one more time for camp Patterson all right this looks like a fake name let's see what happens here mix them with your next bucket pool Joe Smith everyone Joe Smith what's up, Texas? I just moved here and I gotta say, I don't give a fuck what Governor Hot Wheels says. You give me 68 Michelin Obaltras, I'll punch that fucking baby out your stomach. Cause I'm progressive!

Starting point is 00:54:18 Y'all cocaine is different around here too. I forgot about geography. Mexico's like right there. I didn't know we were in bump territory. I did one line, thought I was on Yellowstone. I was like, I will fucking die for my ranch. P.S.A. to sluts! You don't have to pierce your nipples. Just develop a personality. My girlfriend's mom showed me pictures of her on Facebook of her in high school, and I

Starting point is 00:55:06 don't know how to say that she was hotter in high school. She fell off a little bit. All right, there you go. Joe Smith. Welcome, Joe. Thank you. Is that your real name? Yes, sir. You don't have warrants or anything? No, no, I do not. No, I do not. Joe Smith? No, I. Show. Thank you. Is that your real name? Yes, sir. You don't have warrants or anything?

Starting point is 00:55:26 No, no, I do not. No, I do not. No, I do not. No, I do not. Yeah, my real name. Wow. OK, where are you from? Minor Zill, Pennsylvania.

Starting point is 00:55:33 Minor Zill. Yes, sir. Wow. That's a land of pedophiles. Yes. I got it. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:41 A guy's been on here. The McRib guy. Who? McRib guy. Who? McRib guy. My Quinn. Where? It's been a lot of episodes. No, no, no, no.

Starting point is 00:55:52 What happened? What happened? Yeah, what happened? Remind us of what you're talking about. There's a dude from my hometown, he went up on here and you liked his McRib joke. Okay. Hey, literally.

Starting point is 00:56:01 Oh, he's from your hometown. Yes, sir. Oh, good. He's not a pedophile. No, I don't think so. All right. That's wait a minute. Oh, he's from your hometown. Yes, sir. Oh, good. He's not a pedophile. No, I don't think so. All right. That's not real confusing.

Starting point is 00:56:08 Tonez airs a land in pedophiles. You're like, my queen. Oh. Hold on. That's like, wait a minute. Yeah, I did that. Clear that up. That was a confusing exchange, Joe.

Starting point is 00:56:19 So how long have you been here in Austin? Three weeks. You live here now? I live in Waco. Okay, what made you move to Waco? Uh, I got dumped. So the girlfriend's mom blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, that's over now.

Starting point is 00:56:32 Yeah, yeah, that's made up. Right, did she break up with you? You got dumped? Yeah, same girl broke up with me twice. Why did she break up with you the first time and why did she break up with you the second time? You seem like a completely stable human. What the fuck, Jenny?

Starting point is 00:56:50 No, both times I just didn't have shit going on. Okay, like what? Can you give us an example of what you mean by that? Like no job, no, like. What did you have going on when she first got together? Great question. I worked at Comedy Club, up in PA. In PA.

Starting point is 00:57:08 Soldiers? OK. I know. All right. Yeah, yep. Good guy. Uh-huh. OK.

Starting point is 00:57:14 And then you got fired from that? No, I didn't get fired. He just like ghosted me. He got, OK, that's getting fired. Fuck, Soldiers. Fuck, Soldiers. I didn't get fired. the owner ghosted me. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:57:27 Yeah. Yeah. That's, that's, that's, that's. And then she dumped you because she's like, if you're not gonna have the stability of souljoules, yeah. Yeah. Comedy tent.

Starting point is 00:57:39 If you won't work at SoulJoules Comedy tent, you're not gonna fuck me anymore. Yeah. It literally is a tent. By the way, not gonna fuck me anymore. It literally is a tent. By the way, that's not a joke. It's famously a tent. And he fucks old ladies. I want to say that since he goes to me. Whoa! Oh, you don't have to throw it, fuck it. Sorry, sorry.

Starting point is 00:57:56 Damn, maybe he got ghosted. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! True ghosted. That's when a lady that you're banging dies from old age. Okay, well, okay, so you got ghosted by the owner and then you moved to Waco? Yeah, after she broke up with me the second time. Why Waco? Oh, that's where my cousin lives. Okay, so you live with your cousin? Yeah, and his two-year-old son.

Starting point is 00:58:23 Okay, so you're crashing on the couch? Air mattress. In the living room? I have my own room. Just air mattress. Okay. So you're an uncle. Kind of, yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:34 Yeah. That's cool. Yeah, it's looking up. Family shit? Yeah. Yeah. It's looking up. Yeah, it is looking up.

Starting point is 00:58:43 It is indeed looking up. And air mattress in a way, go. It's looking up. Yeah, it is looking up. It is indeed looking up an air mattress in Waco. It's looking up That's right That is absolutely right There are people that would rather go back into the homostunnel In Waco on an air mattress. It is true. It is true It is right trying It is true. It is right. Are you trying to get another job? I have a job as a bartender.

Starting point is 00:59:10 Oh, yeah. OK. Yeah. What kind of bar, just a bar? It's a burger joint. Yeah. It's a burger joint. OK.

Starting point is 00:59:17 Yeah. It serves alcohol. Is that in Waco? Yeah. OK. Jakes. You smoke a lot of weed? No, no weed. I just look like this. Yeah. You wear thataco? Yeah. Okay. Jakes, you smoke a lot of weed? No, no weed, I just smoke like this.

Starting point is 00:59:26 Yeah. You wear that shirt. Yeah. With no weed. No weed. At all. No. No, no.

Starting point is 00:59:34 No, just Waco and Cocaine. Any drugs? Cocaine, yeah. Cocaine. Just Cocaine. Just Cocaine. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:42 For the most part. Okay. For the most part. By the way, makes total sense. Yeah, there's no, we believe you, we know, we got it. Yeah, no doubt about it. Where do you get this cocaine? You get it at the bar, the burger bar? It's not good cocaine.

Starting point is 01:00:00 Right, that's what I'm wondering. It's something wide. Yeah. This seems like the kind of guy that would have to keep Narcan under the ear. That's what I'm wondering. It's something white. Yeah. Yeah. This seems like the kind of guy that would have to keep narcan under the eye. Am I mean? No, just dudes.

Starting point is 01:00:10 Just dudes. Just dudes. Just dudes under your aromattras. No, no, the cocaine. Right. No, no female cocaine sales women. Not yet, no. Right.

Starting point is 01:00:22 What's the craziest thing you've done on a bender? Jerk off a long time. Whoa. What a wild night. You don't really hear these cocaine people. I did a line off a tit. Did I just snorted out of the girls asshole? Not you. When you share a long time. How much? How long? Yeah, that's a great estimate like two hours 45 minutes. Whoa 45 minutes. Oh my god. You fucking shinlers fisted it Incredible did you not get bored 45 minutes in? No, I had to come down. Oh My god, you know The release coming down from cocaine you jerk off for two hours. Oh, like usually always yeah for two hours?

Starting point is 01:01:06 Uh, around there. Yeah, it's always around two hours. It's all for about one of those hours. So you're right. Right. That's that's. And if you get on the air mattress and you're just sweaty on the air mattress and yeah, and you're sticking to it like a Haitian on his way to America. Why?

Starting point is 01:01:24 Shurking off. It is because it's a Cuban it like a Haitian on his way to America. Why? Shurking off. It is, because it's a Cuban refugee, like a migrant. And it's like a three-year-old nephew peaking through the door. And it's deflating, so it's like I'm floating. Yeah. Like a refugee. That's amazing. This is a beautiful country.

Starting point is 01:01:39 It really is. It is amazing. Really? This is where someone barely, barely surviving can find a little bit of cocaine and jerk off. For two hours and 45 minutes, if I had to estimate two hours and 45 minutes for your exact words, which makes it look like you had a clock

Starting point is 01:01:56 that you were timing yourself with. No, Oppenheimer was on. Oh, okay. Oppenheimer is on. That makes complete sense. That makes complete sense. That makes complete sense. And meanwhile, you're just dropping balls. What an intense movie to jerk off to.

Starting point is 01:02:14 What a special on an air mattress in Waco. Yeah. Just staring at nuclear explosions. Yeah. Working on your own Manhattan project over there. That's right. Absolutely incredible. That's wild.

Starting point is 01:02:30 Did you time it so that you came when the bomb went off? I was hoping, yeah. Yeah. You dirty bastard. I love history. I love history. Bro, I can't wait to see what you do when you find the Pearl Harbor movie, dude.

Starting point is 01:02:46 You're gonna fucking lose your shit. Oh my god. Well, I mean, I don't know what to do with you. But you know, I'm gonna give you a big joke book. We're running out of it here, it's all right, but it's okay. Oh. But it's okay That is the least responsive patch I've ever seen in my entire life. I just assaulted that man with a joke I Feel nervous about letting him back out into the world. It's a wild dude.

Starting point is 01:03:25 Yeah, it's wild dude. It's a good that he's in Waco. Yeah, give us a little space. All right, you guys are in for a special treat. This next comedian is one of the top young rising door people here at the comedy mother ship. An absolute sensation You're going to love the comedy styleings of a rire cameraman everybody a rire

Starting point is 01:03:51 cameraman Here live on kiltony Here we go Here we go. A true sensation. Make some noise. This is a minute from a Mariah Canberra band, everybody. Hello. Is anybody home?

Starting point is 01:04:14 The door was locked. Right, relatable. Talk about the hole in the pen cap. That's what they want. I've been going to the gas station, Domingo. It's been fun. I tell myself, all right, right, don't tell anybody you're scared of them and we'll get a vitamin water on the way home. Orange, always, or well, if they don't have orange, I can get yellow, but if they don't have yellow, maybe red. Because winners compromise.

Starting point is 01:04:48 Storm? And I'm going to get a Reese's sticks king size for everyone deserves to be royal. Thank you. The woman at the store is really kind. She asked me what my pronouns were so that she didn't offend me. And I got really scared and I said he, which is not true. So now for the past two and a half months, I've been pretending to be a man only at the gas station.

Starting point is 01:05:17 It's okay. Hope it is. Fuck it, folks. Fuck an amazing, right? So, fuck on. Fuck on the line. I'm telling you, the staff here at the mother ship is fucking powerful. Powerful.

Starting point is 01:05:33 Powerful. I say it all the time. I think some of the door people here at the mother ship are funnier than a lot of the people on a lot of the lineups all around the country right now. They're really the great admiigate, carry that trouble. Not a lot of the lineups all around the country right now. They're really the great Adam Eget, Carrie, that's really... Not at the Hollywood improv.

Starting point is 01:05:47 It's inside, it's inside. They fucking, they pick them here. They pick them. Adam has tons of people to go through and Ryer is an instant legend. Have you been on the show before you have, right? About a year ago. Look a little over a year ago. Yeah, and we had a fantastic time. That was fun.

Starting point is 01:06:06 I thought you were Jim Carrey the entire time. And I'm not. Absolutely. So, Ryer, tell us about your life. What are your actual pronouns? I have a woman. Yeah, you just go straight up woman. Yeah, well, I mean, I would love to be a man, but I'm not.

Starting point is 01:06:21 So I just, you know, I'll just be a woman. Right. You just take what you can. It's your thing. Yeah, I'm not going to pretend to be something else, but I'm not. So I just, you know, I'll just be a woman. Right. You just take what you can. Interesting. It's not, yeah, I'm not going to pretend to be something else, but I love it. Right. Only with your barber do you say I'm a man. Yes. Yes. So I mean, okay, I have a whole slew of questions here.

Starting point is 01:06:39 So just be about another 95 minutes. Tell us more about yourself, Rye. Tell us what we don't know about you. Well, I'm 22. I live in Austin. Now it's been fun. I used to be a preschool teacher. That was crazy. That seems like a weird job for you.

Starting point is 01:06:56 Yeah, it was really odd. I, kids didn't know what to think. I think I was just, I'm better with kids because they have no perspective. Right. So I'm not weird to think. I think I was just, I'm better with kids because they have no perspective. You know what I mean? So I'm not weird to kids. Right, you're cool to kids. Oh yeah, kids think I'm great.

Starting point is 01:07:11 They think I'm so normal. Just probably indicative of an issue. What's not normal about you? What do you say you know you better than anybody. I mean, we can only see what's on the surface, which seems fucking wild. But tell us what you know about you that we don't know. I have severe social anxiety.

Starting point is 01:07:35 I worry that everybody thinks I'm retarded. I thought you thought I was retarded. I love you. Thank you. I've always loved you. And I've always thought, I feel like she thinks that I think she's retarded. But I've always loved you. I always make always thought, I feel like she thinks that I think she's retarded. But I've always loved you.

Starting point is 01:07:47 I always make a real point. I'm like, hi, Rye. Like if I'm walking by and stuff, and you're like, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, I'm like, hi, Ryan. I'm like overly nice, because I don't want those types of people mad at me. I go out of my way with a special one. You're so social anxiety people that is. Well, I just went time you said hi to me, and it was like, hey, how are you?

Starting point is 01:08:17 Yeah. And after that, I just was convinced that you thought I was retarded, and I got really scared, and I didn't want to talk to you, because I was worried that you really were going to, like, that's kind of retarded. It's kind of retarded. I think it's the first time I've ever been to a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been

Starting point is 01:08:43 in a place where I've been in a place where I've been in a place where I've been medicine for that? Yeah, I take a lot of antidepressants. I'm a two-essous arise, which my pharmacist says is not safe. Right, right, almost anybody in the room would say that's not safe. What's it, why two? Well, so I recently started having these really bad panic attacks, so I got on Zooloft to help with the panic attacks and also on Will Butren. Yeah, I get it. That's our late great friend, Brody Stevens, who to help with the panic attacks in the most vulnerable butren yeah i'm a that's our it's our late great friend brodie stevens who they also doused with the medicine and i'd like him to hanging himself he was on well butren that was one of his very famous lines do you have a well butren on it is somewhere right we have an entire brodie soundboard because he's dead

Starting point is 01:09:21 now everybody he was also hilarious and had a... Anyway, it doesn't matter. It's kind of depressing. Really leaving us hanging like Brody Stevens did, Red Band. Anyway, let's talk about it. These panic attacks, I'm a huge fan of the sopranos, and panic attacks run in my very Italian family. I'm interested in, no, can you describe what happens during your panic attacks to these people? Yeah, I forget to, I forget how to breathe. It's really scary. Like I'll forget how to

Starting point is 01:09:52 breathe and then I'll, I'll just start like everything kind of shuts off and I can't sleep and I can't walk and I, I called the ambulance like for one like a month ago. Yeah, that's what happens. You're positive that you're done. Oh, you think you're done. Yeah. I think you're done. I used to do it. I used to get panic attacks. I would go to the ER. They actually get mad at you. No.

Starting point is 01:10:10 You're not dying. You get pissed off. Yeah. No, they do. Yeah, they don't want you there. Oh my god, I'm having a heart attack. You're like, you should be, but you're not. Right.

Starting point is 01:10:17 They do. It's the way. Yeah. They do hate that. Have you had this happening? You've shown up to the hospital. And they're like, nothing is wrong with you. Well, they were I thought I was having a stroke in the I was like I think I'm having like my limbs went numb and she's like you it's not even close to us

Starting point is 01:10:34 Which is crazy to say how do you even measure it like that? Yeah, right. Yeah, she said this not even close Yeah, yeah, cuz they're looking at blood work in your heartbeat and everything. It's like that's so mean. I don't know. Yeah. And you, it's so real when you have one, you think you're convinced you're having a real stroke and then these cons at the ER. Yeah. Yeah, it's true.

Starting point is 01:10:58 And also the people close to you are denying you as well because they know, right, that you have panic attacks, you're right, or nothing's happening. And you're like, you don't fucking, and I'm gonna die in your arms. And then you start worrying, because one day it will be a stroke. Right. Right?

Starting point is 01:11:13 Right. I mean, don't, don't, don't forget it. But you know what I mean? Like, statistically, absolutely. You know, one day, I was like, oh, it's a panic attack. And then, yeah, you know? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:24 So, but, I didn't think about that And then, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. So, but I didn't think about that until now. Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, oh, because I'm, I love it. Amazing. So, when's the last time you had one of these panic attacks? Like last week, I'm on Xanax. I get him really, I get him really just to keep naming medicines.

Starting point is 01:11:42 I know. It is. Because I can't, because I went to to the ER and I like, it's... Limitol. That's Brody talking about another medicine that you could take. Joloft and well-buterin. And what's the, I have one more friend in depressants.

Starting point is 01:11:56 I get really, really sad sometimes in a really funny way. And I just want to die so bad. So I get, so I take these in at a press and I do, I've been to a lot of therapy. I get to take these antidepressants, and I do have been a lot of therapy. You seem like one of the riskier people here. A lot of stand-up comedians kill themselves, and never the ones we want. And that would be terrible if you were one of the ones.

Starting point is 01:12:15 So sweet. You would never be terrible. Your shit is so funny. Yeah. It reminds me of Maria Banford, which is the best compliment. I love Maria so much. She's the best. She's so funny. She's so funny.

Starting point is 01:12:25 She's a genius and like, please do whatever you have to do to feel good, because you're truly amazing. And we want you to perform for us for many, many years. Yes, absolutely. And you're a huge part of the comedy mother shit family that we have here. And everybody loves you here. No one thinks you're retarded.

Starting point is 01:12:44 We all think you're really funny and charismatic. So you have to remember that all the time, even when you think you're having a stroke. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show, though. Whoa, look at that. Walk it in. Book for a giz. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:57 San X. Well-buterin. Secret show. Yes. It just keeps getting worse and worse. Instant depression activated after your spot on Thursday. I'm really excited about it. I mean to say we could seem like that.

Starting point is 01:13:14 It's amazing. The ceilings are so high there, you can't hang yourself at this sunset. Right. Right. You bought a club with I-sealing. This is higher ceilings here, dude. I don't know what you're talking about. But it's built for higher ceilings.

Starting point is 01:13:34 Rire, we fucking love you. Everybody loves you. Rire, cameraman, everybody. I want a magical little show that says, all different shapes and sizes and cheese and days and fucking everything. And that's just rire. All right, pulled another name out of the bucket.

Starting point is 01:13:53 We know this young man. He's a very, very solid local comedian. It's been a while since he's been on. Here's a new minute from Philip Garcia, everybody. I like the music tonight. You guys are fucking jamming. I'm gonna hand for the band. And one more time for Philip Garcia. How are y'all doing, huh? Yeah, good.

Starting point is 01:14:09 Good. I just turned 27 years old. So that means I've been listening to Fox News radio. Now, I don't know what's happening to me. I got into my car on my birthday and it was just on. And I just keep turning it up a little bit more every single day. The video on Fox News, they said,

Starting point is 01:14:24 I'm gonna hand it over to you. I'm gonna hand's happening to me. I got into my car on my birthday and it was just on. And I just keep turning it up a little bit more every single day. The day on Fox News, they said in the light of school shootings, mass shootings, they said, well, have you know the only reason we're not speaking with the British accent right now? It's because of our second amendment rats. It's like, yeah, okay. But now Fox has painted this alternate timeline.

Starting point is 01:14:42 You understand this, where my kid comes home from school and he's like, hello, father, didn't get shot at school today, though, did I? Not gonna be classmates dying to bloody school, shouldn't know he did not. But thank God our kids don't sound like that. That would be a nightmare. If school kids sounded like that.

Starting point is 01:14:57 I don't care how many school kids we have to sacrifice. We're not putting beans on our fucking toast in the morning, am I right? Am I right? Am I right? I don't care how many school kids we have to sacrifice. We're going to brush our teeth every goddamn day in this country.

Starting point is 01:15:07 That's what we're going to do here. I don't care how many school kids we have to sacrifice. We're not putting the letter U in the words color or favorite. It don't make no fucking sense to me. Woo! Woo! Woo! Thank you.

Starting point is 01:15:18 There you go, fill up Garcia. Fuck the bread. Yeah. Woo! Okay. And their teeth, yeah. I love it. Absolutely. How's it going, Philip? It's going pretty good.

Starting point is 01:15:30 Remind us all. How long have you been on stand up? I've been doing stand up for five years now. Five years. All of it here in Texas, right? All of it in Texas, yeah. Dallas and then here? Houston, Dallas, then down here for the last three years.

Starting point is 01:15:40 Absolutely. Tell us about how Austin's been treating you. The last three years here have been, it turned comedy into a career essentially for me, moving down here and then being around like-minded individuals and also this production, everything else in town, just catapults. Any comic who has half a mind and knows how to accurately market themselves, they can make a career in comedy. 100% and you got in while the get and was good. Austin, Texas, three years ago. Yeah, 500 was like one of my second episodes, I think.

Starting point is 01:16:09 Right, there you go, absolutely. And so what do you do for a living? Right now I'm doing comedy and I'm serving over at Bryan's Club at a sunset trip, yeah. Oh, look at that. Second highest ceilings in Austin. That's true. That's true. That's true.

Starting point is 01:16:25 Hell yeah. Every time I ask someone what they want to drink, I hear myself say it two more times. Oh, that goes. Ginger ale, ginger ale. Absolutely. Oops. All right. I love it.

Starting point is 01:16:38 And you look like a thick weird alianca fix. So what's your love life like? It's going great. Two years into a relationship now. So it's pretty good. Smashing something other than watermelon, so I see. There it is. It's a fat Gallagher joke.

Starting point is 01:16:53 Oh, yeah. Old fat Gallagher here. Yeah, she's from LaRato. She pronounces it LaRelo, which is fun. She's Latina? Yes, she is. Whoa. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:04 How often does she start arguments with you? Uh, I'm at the point where I like, I put Astro Turf in the living room just so she's sweep more. Does that make any sense? No. No, it doesn't. She's, I'm trying to figure that. Yes. The Astro Turf would say. No, no lawn mowers inside is typical what I have to say to her. No, it's just bad. I'm sorry. I'm pulling out of it. Okay. Pull out of it. Yep. Do you do that with your Latina girlfriend? I have to. You're right.

Starting point is 01:17:33 I have eight kids by now if I didn't pull out of her. Absolutely. And what does she do? She's a server and a singer and songwriter. Oh, so she's a server. Yeah. Okay. She sings.

Starting point is 01:17:44 She sings. She sings in English or Spanish. Yeah. OK. Yeah. She's full of time. Yeah. She's singing English or Spanish. English. Yeah. OK. Good. She's betraying her people. A lot of time.

Starting point is 01:17:51 That is the correct language to speak in. Philip, what's something crazy that we would be surprised to know about you or your life? Any special skills or talents or anything at all? Let me see. I mean, any special skills or talents? I have a club foot. I don't know if we've ever talked about this before.

Starting point is 01:18:12 What do you lose? What do you lose? What exactly does that mean? How many of you think it should pull out as weird foot? Blue club foot? Blue club foot? It's been a long time since we've had a weird foot on this show. Whoa.

Starting point is 01:18:25 Oh my God, what is that? Oh, disgusting. It's like the penguin. Is that the weird one? Okay. Look at the size of the legs. They're like completely different colors. They're not color-y.

Starting point is 01:18:37 Oh, yeah, you have a weird, tiny foot. Now what happened? Why is that like that? My mom smoked palmalls when she was pregnant. Ah. Yeah. She smoked Virginia Slims, and now I have a Virginia slim What happened? Why is that like that? My mom smoked paul malls when she was pregnant. Ah! Yeah. She smoked Virginia slims,

Starting point is 01:18:48 and now I have a Virginia slim leg is basically what I ended up with. You ever do ever say, is she still alive? Yes, she's still alive. You ever say mom, what the fuck? Yes. Yeah. She told me recently that she quit smoking

Starting point is 01:18:58 after she, like, two weeks after she found out she was pregnant. Which means she missed, like, a period, and then had a whole other period and then was like I should probably wrap this up pretty soon. Yeah, she's like, well, he's probably only gonna end up with a club foot. Do we not horrible though? No, I mean clearly it's pretty fucking bad.

Starting point is 01:19:14 Why do you think they call it a club foot? Uh, why do you think? Because it looks like something you'd bludgeon somebody with. Interest. So do you have the right amount of toes? Yes. Yeah. That's from an alcohol, and that's cigarettes, man. That's why it's called a club foot.

Starting point is 01:19:30 That's where you get all the alcohol. That's a club. That's a night club. Yeah, a night club foot. Yeah. Look it up. Well, Nemo time. That's why your eyes are farther apart than normal people.

Starting point is 01:19:41 You're like, chance the rapper over here. Oh my god, Dan. He's the rapper. You're saying his eyes are far from her? Yeah, look at his eyes, man. That's alcohol. At least you know when your mom was pregnant, she had a good time. Right, yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:54 That's cool. I'm keep, I'm trying to keep it going. Yeah. Phillip, congratulations. A very fun stuff. You've been on the show before. Here's some zippx toothpicks. Zip more, smoke less.

Starting point is 01:20:04 Thank you. There goes Phillip Garcia. We're going to keep moving on. It's got another. Very fun stuff you've been on the show before here's some zippx toothpicks zip more smoke less There goes fill up Garcia. We're gonna keep moving on. It's got another See what we can do here mix noise for your next bucket pool Nick James everybody nick James is next on filter you guys having fun out there All right, here's nick James everyone So Alright, here's Nick James everyone. What's up? So this seems like a good crowd. You guys ever been to the Tinny Bar before? Alright, Red Rose crowd, love it.

Starting point is 01:20:33 I used to live down the street from a strip club. It's as bad as awesome as it sounds. Something messed up happened. The place got shut down, and then bought out by a Popeye's chicken. They went from stripping chicks to chicken strips. What the fuck is that shit? I used to go there all the time though with my dad.

Starting point is 01:20:53 Ladies used to love him because he had the big D diabetes. I actually shouldn't even joke about that. He's in trouble right now. He just lost his insulin. Yeah, she's expensive. As a matter of fact, last time you lost it, cost him an arm in a leg. Has the dumbest joke I have right there, fuck up.

Starting point is 01:21:13 Guys like, homeless people, yeah, fuck them, right? Homeless people are like cats. Every time you see a black one, it just ruins my day. Every time you see a black one, it just ruins my day. Alright, that's my time. Thank you. Yes, that is your time. And you are welcome. Let's talk about it, Nick. Why would seeing a black homeless person make you ruin your day more than seeing a white homeless person?

Starting point is 01:21:43 Can you explain that to the people out there? Look right down the barrel, you see a red light down there. Look at the camera, look at the people, the millions of people that will watch this. It really isn't red light. I don't really know where that main camera is. Can we cover up red light? Look right over here at Yoni. Look at Yoni right there. Look at that body. Look right at it. No, no, no, right in the camera. Not down straight into the lens and explain to the people why seeing a black homeless person

Starting point is 01:22:10 saddens you more than a white homeless person. Do not look away from that camera. By the way, there's a way to do it the right way. It's just very, it's just, it makes me sad, you know? Yes, the question is why does it make you sadder than a white homeless person? I just I expect more from you, I guess. I... No, that's not bad.

Starting point is 01:22:34 Keep going. Keep going. No, no, no, fuck it. I'm going to double down. Keep going. Fuck it, I'm going to double down. You know, you shouldn't know it better. You know, you could, you know, you could have made something of your life, but you didn't.

Starting point is 01:22:49 And, uh, Skinkiller has nothing to do with it. It's just, uh, the way I was raised, really. It, uh, has nothing to do with it. Tony, forget comedy. Now, he can't get any job. You've ruined his entire, he's gonna get fired from Ikea tomorrow morning. You have like a fun American psycho energy if Patrick Bateman were like poor. Yeah, that sweater is really something else.

Starting point is 01:23:23 That's my favorite sweater. Yeah. Do you wear that a lot? When it gets cold. Uh-huh. Yeah. Where did you get that from? Where do you get something like that from?

Starting point is 01:23:34 I got it for Christmas from my mother. Right. I asked for, get me a Cosby sweater and she gave me this. Yeah, and then you put everybody to sleep. You got half and half. It's amazing. Very Cosby-esque. Absolutely. Where You got half and half. It's amazing. Very Cosby-esque Absolutely. Where are you from? Connecticut. That's right. You have a sense of humor if somebody from Connecticut. This is incredible. Did you grow up with like rich?

Starting point is 01:23:56 Like, parents are not a middle class, you know What does your dad do for a living? He builds a jet engine parts. Yeah, middle class. Yeah, man. How about mom? What does she do? She's a CNA. She takes care of a fat old people with dementia. Ah. Okay.

Starting point is 01:24:19 If you could ask her what she would do with Redban, I would appreciate that. Do you work? Do you work? I do, yeah, I work. I do. I probably the easiest job in America. I'm a parking tenant at a parking garage for a major company. Fuck it, I'll say it indeed.

Starting point is 01:24:38 I basically do nothing except make sure the automatic gate stays turned on. Oh, that is the job of a serial killer. There's no doubt about it. Yeah, this is fucking... This is the plot of a film right now. Oh, yeah. Actually, you guys are going to love this. The way I got...

Starting point is 01:24:55 Oh, we are going to? You have your finger on the pulse of what we love. I got this job because the last guy saw another guy, sent himself on fire and throw him off the top of the roof. Hold on a second. Yeah, hold on a second. The last guy that had your job set himself on fire. He watched another guy set himself on fire and then jump off the roof. So he watched the guy jump off the roof or he jumped off the roof?

Starting point is 01:25:25 He watched the guy jump off the roof. And why, so then he quit? Great, yeah, he had severe PTSD from that. What a pussy. Yes. He's a parking lot attendant. Life's gonna get worse than that. Ha, ha, ha, ha.

Starting point is 01:25:40 You can't handle seeing someone set themselves on fire. Get out of the game. Yeah. Yeah. And that is such an interesting way to avoid the parking uh... Charge. There's the word I was looking for. When they interviewed you, they were like you don't have a problem watching people burn

Starting point is 01:26:00 a death. They found a guy that's perfect for this job. Michael Myers energy's over here. Hey, for $18 an hour, I'll do more than them, man. See, in an hour, that is incredible. And YouTube basically nothing. Oh yeah, full benefits. I get two or three meals free out of the day.

Starting point is 01:26:19 Give a business card. What's up? Give a business card. I wish. OK, let me ask you this, though know, it's an interesting job, an interesting position. Sometimes people come to you for you to let them out, maybe they lost their ticket, maybe this and that.

Starting point is 01:26:35 Have you ever been bribed or anything like that? No, I've just had like people yell at me sometimes. What's the meanest thing somebody said to you? Why won't this fucking thing work? Wow. Wow. And this is the time when the detective goes and you don't know anything about the three bodies in your house. You don't know anything about that? Not one thing? Yeah, it just, You don't know anything about that? Not one thing.

Starting point is 01:27:04 Yeah, it just blew ever help you solve any... Uh... Do you live in Texas? Currently, yeah. Currently, is in your thinking about moving soon? Uh, potentially. I still got another seven, eight months in my lease. We'll see if I run out of money by that I might have to move.

Starting point is 01:27:25 So where are you thinking about moving? Where would you go where you don't need money? And why do I feel like that haunting music follows you everywhere, not just here. I don't know, man, it's just, I'm just wait like that I guess. What was my, what was my question two questions ago? Where would I go? I could probably go back home for a little bit, you know, get back on my feet. Singing like Boston maybe, that's another comedy scene. Did the parents want you to come back home?

Starting point is 01:27:58 They wouldn't mind it, but you know. I won't do you. I'm 29, gonna be 30 next month. Yeah, very Christmas mom That's his back That's his back you could be a parking attendant in the driveway Well Nick James you've been on the show before you got a little joke book. I did.

Starting point is 01:28:26 Okay, there you go. There he goes, Nick James, everybody. I got another one, right? We're flying through tonight. We're gonna get another one up here, another chance. The bucket of destiny has spoken, makes the noise for Stephanie Roberts and everybody. Stephanie Roberts, and we make our smooth descent. Thank you, yeah.

Starting point is 01:28:51 How is everybody? This is Thanksgiving. Oh, you guys are honest, good. That's nice, yeah, mine's suck too. My parents pulled out the baby photos, you know how they do against your will. And I was looking through my nursery Abum and my twin brother and I and I realized my mom themed our nursery after Noah's Ark

Starting point is 01:29:12 I like this part because I can tell who's read the Bible You godless sons of bitches what the fuck yeah, well apparently my mom didn't know either I don't know if you guys know this but but in the story, God floods the earth because of sinners like you. And he tells Noah to put these animals on a ship. I don't know if you guys know this, but those animals aren't a ship because they're family. Yeah, they're there to fuck each other.

Starting point is 01:29:40 Yeah, and so I was like, Mom, what were you thinking? My twin brother and I in a crib under these pretense. Is that I run out of time? It my twin brother and I in a crib under these pre-tenses? Did I run out of time? It's a zero. I don't know. What am I looking? Am I still sorry?

Starting point is 01:29:51 Oh, fuck me, you guys. Okay. Just go ahead. Yeah, go ahead, talk. There was nothing that was good that was going to happen anyway. Nothing happened during the 60 seconds. That said, zero the whole time, which is how many punchlines you have. Bogus, yeah, I know. I fucked that up. I've never done, I've never practiced a one minute.

Starting point is 01:30:11 Okay. Yeah. How long you been doing stand-up? Two years. Two years. We're at. In Chicago. In Chicago. You just visiting us? Yes, I am. This is my first day here. First day here? First day here. First second day. Yeah. Second day. Day and half. Okay. How's it been going so far?

Starting point is 01:30:23 Pretty good up until this. You know, a second day. Okay, how's it been going so far? Pretty good up until this, you know. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so a minute and nothing in a minute, do you, how many minutes does it take for you to get to something? That's a great, yeah, that's a fair question. Couple maybe? Sure, well, I don't know, how long was that out for?

Starting point is 01:30:41 God damn it. That was a minute. When you said is that a minute, it was about fifty seconds. It was exactly a minute. Okay. And then the cat came in, how long was that out for? Goddamn. That was a minute. When you said is that a minute, it was about 57 seconds. It was exactly a minute. OK. And then the cat came in, the clock was rolling. You want to keep going with the Noah's Ark thing?

Starting point is 01:30:51 Yeah. How does it wrap? Does it just, it was the joke just 40 more days and nights, exactly, or? Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, so I tell my mom, I was like, mom, what are you thinking? Is this ridiculous to do? No, no, no, no. This my mom I was like mom, where are you thinking put my is this ridiculous to do?

Starting point is 01:31:06 Feels a little fucked better than bombing for a minute. Save yourself. All right. All right. Um I'm giving you a chance. You are Tony. God bless. Uh, okay. I All right, so I was like mom, where are thinking you put my twin brother and I in a crib under those pre-tenses, you know? And she was like, no, no, those animals come into one boy and one girl, like you and your brother. And I was like, mom, those animals come into each other. Like, I don't know how you miss that part in the Bible.

Starting point is 01:31:42 It's one of the easier reads, you know? I think your mother's right, because no one thinks about the animals fucking. But that's exactly how they were on the ship. They were on the ship to make more babies once they got off the ship. Yeah, but the story's kind of pretend. Ah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:58 You know what I mean? Not real. People. Yeah. Yeah, no one can't like believing. It's like a cute thing to do the Catholics believe it perhaps it's perhaps it's just a little too soon for your Noah's Ark jokes I do have a 9-11 joke too can we do it 9-11 just do it

Starting point is 01:32:19 I don't know if you know where you showed up tonight but this is probably more of a 9-11 crowd I would do not choose the 9-11 crowd? I'll warn you, this one's longer, but it's better. It's longer. It's better. It's better. How can it possibly be longer? I got this.

Starting point is 01:32:33 I'll tell you what. Let's do it. Let's have a fun little experiment because this comes up. Hold on. This comes up a lot in Kiltowni, which is make everything shorter. Shorter is better. It's nothing needs to be long. I'm going to take note of your joke,

Starting point is 01:32:47 and then I'm going to tell you what parts you can edit out afterwards. This is a new fun segment called Fix This Unbearable Shit. Thank you. Here we go, with her 9-11 joke that she chose not to do, but instead a Noah's Ark joke, deep into an episode of Kiltoni here, is the 9-11 joke that she should have done that is somehow longer than the Noah's Ark joke, which is longer than a minute.

Starting point is 01:33:08 Let's see how it goes. Here she is. Stephanie Robertson. Thank you. I do miss growing up with my brother, though. I'm 26 now, so that means we grew up in the Osama bin Laden's hiding era. You guys remember that? Kind of miss it, right?

Starting point is 01:33:23 I don't know. I do. I kind of miss it. I don't know. I miss the mystery, you know. I miss the chase. I miss making my brother cry after telling him, oh, Sam is hiding in our basement. Run! You know, because you didn't know where he was. You know? He could have been anywhere, right? And then my brother would cry in school because he was scared to go home to Osama, you know? And then, you know what happens when you cry in school, right?

Starting point is 01:33:55 Kids call you gay. But my brother came out as gay in high school. That there was a call back to the first joke. And it is, I didn't get to, okay. It's not, I didn't get to tell that part. I know, I know, yeah, yeah, yeah, okay, okay, okay. This joke isn't about 9-11. No, it is, it is, it is!

Starting point is 01:34:16 Hold on! You're, you're, okay. All right. Okay. So you're crying school, and then, and then luckily my brother came out his gay in high school You know and so that was cool for him except for it made my mom cry a lot and I was like wow Steven I was like you were You were in hiding you were get a fuck me you guys like all right all right all right

Starting point is 01:34:39 I was like oh my god. What a humiliation, you know, uh, no, this is good. Oh my god, what a humiliation, you know. No, this is good. Oh my god. No, it's fine. Finish it. You want me to keep going? OK, god damn it. All right. OK, so he was getting school.

Starting point is 01:34:55 He made my mom cry a lot. I'm trying to. He made my mom cry a lot. Or he made my mom cry a lot. She was crying. Like, it was 9-11. I was hurt. Oh my god. I didn't like that she was crying. I didn't like that she was crying. I didn't like she was 9-11, I was hurt. Oh my god.

Starting point is 01:35:05 I didn't like that she was crying. I didn't like that she was crying. I didn't like she was so upset that my brother was gay. And so I was like, maybe I should fuck with her and tell her I'm gay too, you know? Because my brother and I are twins, like the towers. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 01:35:22 Oh. Oh. Stay with me. Stay with me please! And I just love the idea of being like, being like, mom, I'm gay too. And then she'd be like, they got the second one, you know. Hold on, I'm not done. I'm gonna let you go forever. Oh, I know. And I was like, yeah, sorry. Call my dad watching gay porn.

Starting point is 01:35:54 We call him the Pentagon because no one saw that coming. You know what I mean? Oh. All right. There's some people just genuinely surprised out there at that part. Not a laugh at all, but some of the words you could edit out in that are all of the awesome. Yep, yep, that's exactly every single one.

Starting point is 01:36:12 Exactly what I have here. Brought to you by Stay With Me. I mean, that was absolutely incredible. My notes on editing are everything. It was a 9-11 joke because we will never forget to this moment. Absolutely incredible. When you leave, we're going to read all of the names in the audience. This is his risky business up here on Kill Time. Anything can happen.

Starting point is 01:36:52 Some people are made stars, some people have a rough first outing. What's great about this show, and I say it all the time, is that sometimes people, their first time on this show come out and have you know what you consider yeah I showed up to Chicago and put my name in the bucket and I was like I don't I don't yeah you well you you saw so yeah and just through my name of the bucket I haven't practiced for a minute you know what I mean right well you know again this is another big thing right another big thing that we're right like if you go see Tim or me or whatever,

Starting point is 01:37:27 and our big shows, our first show, it does not take a minute to get there. You know what I mean? It's on, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, boom. And then it starts, and then you ride the wave of momentum of laughter. There's not like a, you can't, there is no, just gonna take two minutes.

Starting point is 01:37:42 Just stick with me, everybody. Stay with me, it doesn't really work in the big ones. We'll be, I, yeah. We'll also feel angry at the audience. You also feel like, like, totally, you're angry at the crowd. You're like, stay with me, you know? Right. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:37:58 Yeah, I'm something, all right. I, uh, do you love stand up? Do you love doing this? Does it make me feel good? I do. I do. What do you do for a living? I worked at a venue, an entertainment venue, up north in Illinois. Okay, is it a comedy venue? No, it's like all arts. Okay, all right. What do you do there? I book shows. Okay.

Starting point is 01:38:27 What do you do for fun? I go outside. I like nature. I like swimming. I like the lake. Uh-huh. Yeah. Who cares at this point, right?

Starting point is 01:38:40 No one. Goodness, I'm the host. You're right. I get to decide when this sentence for you. Yeah. It's unbelievable. It's a real power play. You know what I mean? It's something that I really built for myself. I'm just trying to find a redeeming quality about you, something that will make the people, you know, something you get, we find a special, maybe you have a special skill or a talent you could show us. If you ever seen the show before.

Starting point is 01:39:05 I absolutely. Okay. So you kind of know what? I just didn't expect this to be even beyond it. Right. Yeah. It's so special. Right.

Starting point is 01:39:16 Why would you not expect to be on it if you signed up for it? We hear this all the time. You're right. I guess so. Just look at the draw. You hear it every time. You're at the draw indeed. You can't win if you don't play.. You can't win if you don't play.

Starting point is 01:39:26 You also can't lose if you don't play. You played. Am I playing? You're playing. This is it. This is your chance. So like of all the kill tonies. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:39:35 I'm making you what? You're making me sweat. Right. Uh-huh. Thanks Tony. This is what. This is what people sign up for. There's a chance of course.

Starting point is 01:39:43 You see it all the time. Like, whoa, this person signed up and their life changed. Oh my god, they're making they're just selling out on the road. Yeah, and then there's the risk the risk reward the show could be called risk reward. Let's change it. It could be called that. Mm-hmm. But it's not.

Starting point is 01:40:02 It's not it's not it's called kill and then the guy who decides how much longer you're up here Oh here I think she's gonna play a song It's just a little bit longer like your setups longer like your setups. You're so... That's enough. Red band, that's enough. Tony, it's Lisa Loeb. Is that the advice that you wrote down on the paper among all the other things is to cut it up?

Starting point is 01:40:34 There was a lot. You don't need the when you were alive. You don't need the Osama hiding. You don't need the brother in the basement. You could do a brother in the closet joke there though. You could punch that up. And then he came out his gay in high school Winned down like the two towers. I already had that about 30 seconds before you set it Yeah, brother went down like the two towers. That's where I thought you were going But then you made it about you as well You made you and your brother the two towers, but it was more of a what if I came out his gay

Starting point is 01:41:01 But no one thinks you're gay using like a straight woman that doesn't get dick down But if I came out as gay, but no one thinks you're gay, using like a straight woman that doesn't get dicked down. Oh no, they gotta come out. Sometimes my thoughts come out. Do you have a love life? Is there someone in Chicago? Is there a snowman? Just a cold little carrot.

Starting point is 01:41:22 Okay, stop red, man. Somehow the Lisa Loeb is the most insulting thing about all of this. What does your boyfriend do? No, I don't have a boyfriend, but I do get digged down. You do? Oh, yeah. You do.

Starting point is 01:41:37 You have a hook up there. Yeah. OK, so what is that? When that happens, how does that go down? You should go to his place. He comes to your place. He kicks the cats out of the way, and... No!

Starting point is 01:41:50 Two cats are one. Just one. LAUGHTER OK. I actually, dude, I was in a three-way for the first time, Blackout Wednesday, baby. Let's find out about that. She was about that. That's compelling. That is the Noah's Ark of storylines

Starting point is 01:42:10 Yeah We've come full circle Yeah, blackout Wednesday my best friend was in town and then there was she or he she okay And then my old hookup was in town and we got bored at a bar Board at a bar. What are you doing telling jokes? Yeah Shit Stephanie Stephanie. I don't know what to do with you. I know. I know it's Tony. It's upsetting isn't it I don't know everyone's back at home is gonna see this. That's like, you know, that's the, that's the,

Starting point is 01:42:50 that's the, that's the height of Jesus Christ. You do this a lot, you do a lot of spots throughout the week. You work hard at this. Yeah, I do a lot of spots throughout the week. It just didn't go good, but that doesn't mean anything. I appreciate that. Yeah, I mean, I'm just in this one instance. It, the most important, I watched this show. This is the most important instance as far as I'm concerned.

Starting point is 01:43:10 Well, one that's old part. Well, no, not for me. You might want to skip next week's episode. Not for me. Yeah, yeah. Oh, I fucking know, dude. But whatever, I mean, it's it was a learning experience. Thank so much. Just Tony. Well, it really should be, you know, I mean, I mean, what I said, you know, I mean, there's guys that write a brand new minute every single week on this show. You're right. It's an incredibly hard job.

Starting point is 01:43:33 It's insane. And in those minutes, they have to have things that connect. And when we go on the road and they do 15 minutes or 20 minutes or they're on their own for an hour, they're lining those things all up together. And those minutes become longer sets. So you should have more opportunities for laughter in those minutes. Thanks Tony. And when you're doing all those spots that you do, you have to apply what you learned here

Starting point is 01:43:58 to those. You're devastated, but meanwhile you don't really have the funny part. I know. I can't have both. I can't have both. I can't really have the funny part. I know. I know. You can't have both. I'm going to get one over 400 people's heads in here. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:44:13 Yeah. You could put your location on ExpressVPN as North Korea next Monday around 8 o'clock and you won't be able to see it. ExpressVPN, official sponsor of Kyltonia, an amazing job. So you're just visiting Austin, then you go back to Chicago. Do you have any plans to come back to Austin? Yeah, maybe. Okay, how about this? Because this was an incredible, incredible learning lesson for everybody. I do believe. Why don't you come back in six months and we'll give you a minute. We'll give you an automatic minute. We'll say.

Starting point is 01:44:45 She had a tough set, a tough interview. You have six months to prepare. Sound cool? You'll get an automatic spot. Deal? Yes, of course. There you go. We'll see you in six months, Stephanie Robertson, everybody.

Starting point is 01:45:00 It's a little redemption there at the end. A shot of opportunity. Six months, guaranteed, no suicide. Can you... Can you have me back? I want to see that again. Well, you know what? I'm going to book you as the guest.

Starting point is 01:45:14 Six months from now. Tim Dylan, Stephanie Robertson, back in six months. Damn, the band is on fire tonight. Well, you know what that sound means. There's only one way to end an episode like this, and I guarantee you this guy's got some punches in the minute. This is the only living member of the Kilt Tony Hall of Fame, the record holder for all time appearances. If anybody should have trouble making you laugh in a minute, it scientifically should be this man who's done it more than anybody else. I present to you the Memphis Strangler, the Tijuana Tarantula, the Corpus, Christie, Christmas,

Starting point is 01:45:54 Krispy Kreme, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody. I've got my every-hide. I was born in Motherfuckin' Corpus Christi! Oh! All-mish people in Pennsylvania are starting to grow and sell marijuana. Apparently, you can tell an almiş family sells weed if their wagon is rolling on dogs. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:46:31 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:46:39 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. and the only problem seems to be the delivery time to Austin is eight months. To all of the Amish people watching at home, I'm very disappointed. What's next? Making softcore instead of it being on only fans you can watch it on mostly cousins. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER

Starting point is 01:47:06 Comedian Tiffany Haddish was just arrested for being asleep in her car. Luckily, she's got an airtight defense because it has come out she was listening to Red Band stand up. LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER LAUGHTER I'm starting to think we should let the police go back to abusing our civil rights. For a while there I was pretty upset about the next stopings but with all the random violence and crime it's probably worth a few Rodney King Wackemoll exhibitions to get society back in line.

Starting point is 01:47:43 Okay, that's my time, thank you. Boom. Boom. Boom. Again and again and again, somehow never disappointing, always coming in over the top, the great William. How about one more time for William? What's up? A thankless job closing these fucking shows with authority.

Starting point is 01:48:11 Start clapping, bitch! There you go. Do something with your woman, dude. LAUGHTER Tony, I swear to God, I am a changed man. This past weekend, I swear to God, I am a changed man. This past weekend, I swear to God, I discovered a serial called Kellogg's O'Brien Buds. Tony, I took four shits earlier.

Starting point is 01:48:34 I feel so much better. I had so much fecal matter in my tummy area. I guess, Tony, I swear to God, I took four good shits earlier. Wow, how much of this cereal have you been eating? I ate a big ass bowl last night. I ate a big ass bowl in the morning, so I'm eating two big bowls.

Starting point is 01:48:53 It has 60-something percent of your daily fiber. So I'm eating probably several servings, but it has gotten me. I don't know. It's just scary all that shit was... It's Kellogg's. What? All-brand buds. I don't know why it's just scary all that shit was- It's Kellogg, it's what? All brand buds. I don't know why it's so big. What is buds?

Starting point is 01:49:09 I don't know, they're just these little pellet-looking things. That's great. So, basically- You're basically eating- Oh, that's gross. Dude, all you eat is fucking pellets, you sick- Whatever, they're caught. Yeah, at the hospital.

Starting point is 01:49:20 That's what you ask for. You'll still have the buds, you'll still have the little pellets. He's always fucking, he pretty much lives at the hospital these days. People don't even know that. At least I wipe my ass after eating some great food. He lives in a fucking hospital right now. Red Indian wife, Daz. William wife, Daz.

Starting point is 01:49:37 He has a new mega deal with dude wipes. This is all happening. And I was thinking earlier, I was actually using the dude wipes earlier to wipe my butthole. And Tony, I actually, I promise I had this realization last night, I think I had said in the past, I stopped wiping my butthole because sometimes I would be wiping and there would still be due to on the fuck

Starting point is 01:50:00 and toilet paper, I don't know, 20 minutes into it. And I made a discovery last night, Tony. He was starting to happen with the dude wipes. And I get up and I look at my asshole in the mirror. I do it all open. There was some piece of shit in my asshole, Tony. So it must have been, I wasn't getting all the do-do out my butt all, and I was just,

Starting point is 01:50:20 that's why I could never free-year-old. I think my butt. Like a three-year-old. I'm opening up my fucking hot up here right now, man! And I was just, that's why I could never free- Like, every three-year-old. I think my butt. Like a three-year-old. Right? I'm opening up my fucking, HOT UP HERE RIGHT UP! AAH! BAAA!

Starting point is 01:50:30 BAAA! Trying to get deep with your lupin' butt! BAAA! BAAA! Fucking idiot. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha you got that little bit of skin cancer removed, you're just batting 100%. Everything you do is absolute gold. It is incredible.

Starting point is 01:50:54 It's about to fucking die, dude. I really did, I thought I was gonna die. You had a 50-50 chance. Yup. No, that's what he said. Right, that was the thing. Sometimes we just go along with whatever with him.

Starting point is 01:51:07 You didn't believe that? Why is that so surprising, motherfucker? What do you mean? Maybe I did have a 50-50 shot. I didn't want you to have 50% chance of dying. Well, thank you. That's sweet. But I just, yeah.

Starting point is 01:51:21 Say it away. You didn't believe that that could have been a possibility. Well, I mean, it seems extreme, you know. Where was the skin cancer? Where? Yeah. Point to it. No, William. That's not where it was.

Starting point is 01:51:38 On the face? Yeah. Yeah, on the face. Oh, perfect timing, Dobu. What the fuck was that? Totally makes sense. Jewish music on the skin cancer on... Oh, near the nose.

Starting point is 01:51:52 Yes, weird. I know you give money to Hamas, so it's weird you do and fucking a Jewish song right now. William, what else is going on this week? Finished a thousand-piece puzzle over Thanksgiving. Oh, what is on the... what did it turn out to be? Ooh, it was a fun scene. It was in the mountains.

Starting point is 01:52:09 It was a junk truck, I would call it. It was a pickup truck with all kinds of junk. There was a bicycle I was dealing with. There were maps. There were playing cards on the ground. There were all kinds of luggage on top of the junk truck. There was strings attached to everything. And I don't know if y'all are used to dealing with strings

Starting point is 01:52:31 and a thousand-piece puzzle, but that was really messing me up. Pfft. I was hitting that fucking thousand-piece in record timing and I get to all these fucking just robes all on this junk truck and I'm thinking, what the fuck am I supposed to do with all these robes? I mean all the luggage is looking the same and

Starting point is 01:52:51 Wow, I love that you should do more puzzles you describing the puzzles thing I mean that's an instant hit if you ask me You just have all these things that happen organically all the time. I mean people are out there wearing Kirkland signature shirts, they're out there f**k. Where are they? Can you raise your hand if you were one of those people who did that? No, not here tonight exactly, but I mean a lot on the road. Just gonna say get the f**k out of here, Tobbe!

Starting point is 01:53:21 Turns against his own fans. It's not goodness. Here, Talba! Yeah! Turns against his own fans. It's not goodness. So you're eating a lot of fiber, everything's good, you're killing, I counted literally nine more punchlines than the girl that was on in front of you. An incredible statistic. Nine years.

Starting point is 01:53:38 She had a rough go of it. Yes. Yes. She's six months away from a shot at redemption. That's right. That's what months away from a shot at redemption. That's right. That's what I like to call a storyline. You know what I mean? A real shot at something now.

Starting point is 01:53:52 If it goes bad again, I mean, let's just face it. It's gonna, it's gonna, someone's gonna, I don't know exactly how to tie one of those ropes properly with the fucking thing, you know what I mean? Like the perfect, that seems like a tough knot. And I'm gonna be honest with y'all, it was a couple of Wednesdays ago. It was my cousin and I, we double team that bitch.

Starting point is 01:54:11 I mean, it was a blackout Wednesday, holy shit, she was black, oh. Oh. Oh. Yeah, I would know, I get it. William, I mean, I don't even know what else to possibly say. Is there, before we go, is there anything else you're passionate about this week? I'm getting rid of the escalator at the apartment!

Starting point is 01:54:35 Whoa, you just got that escalator! A lot of people don't know this. He signed the Dude Wipes deal. That is real, by the way. The Dude Wipes that is real by the way the dude wipes deal is real and he took the money and decided to build an escalator in his apartment now this is not a joke I know it seems like whoa just 200,000 fucking dollars yeah that's how good I'm doing right now okay he spent 200k on an escalator his apartment it's not

Starting point is 01:55:04 in his apartment he lives on the second floor. His apartment, it's not in his apartment. He lives on the second floor. He put it outside to go up to his apartment. So he went, that's cool. That's awesome. I got him. He's smart. Pretty baller.

Starting point is 01:55:15 But we're getting rid of it. It's not. It's still in boxes. Nobody's going to come and help take it out of the boxes. So we're getting the pod people to come take it back. It's in pods. We iron pods. I swear if anybody ever gets an escalator, don't hire pods to move it because they're fucking, it's a bunch of dumb asses working at the fucking customer service up at pods. I don't even know who runs that

Starting point is 01:55:37 company anymore. Well, looks like we might have another sponsor next week. This is what happens. All it takes is one fan, one family member, to tell the owner of pods that William talked shit. And then nowadays, deals just come around the corner. I think I see what you're doing. You're making a lot of side cash here, naming brands, calling them shit, and then you go,

Starting point is 01:56:01 then a couple of weeks later, you go, Tony, I talked shit about pods and rock fucking love pods I'd be not fucking love it down I would love to honestly be sponsored by the Kellogg's All-Pran Kellogg's I swear I'm saying happenin dude I'm on my second box It ain't gonna I know Kellogg's and it ain't happenin I love you William but I don't know if you saw this.

Starting point is 01:56:26 It's almost Christmas, Tony. Oh. You don't think they'd be up for it? I mean, it's almost Christmas. You know what? I think Santa Claus might be listening to what you just said. If anybody works at Kellogg's, maybe a few boxes.

Starting point is 01:56:43 Tony, can William sing a song to the Kellogg's Corporation? Why don't you sing a song to Kellogg's, maybe a few boxes. Tony, can William sing a song to the Kellogg's corporation? Why don't you sing a song to Kellogg's? I actually like this idea. Why don't you guys improvise a Christmas song, and this will take us out tonight. We had an unbelievably compelling episode. I mean, who could forget? I want to fucking shoot you right now, Red Band.

Starting point is 01:57:03 I'm just thinking. We started with Olivia Carter. We started with Hans, who's in the news. Philip Garcia, Matt Robertson. Remember, Rire Cameron, the door girl, Nick James, Joe Smith, Stephanie Robertson. We've had so much fun here tonight. I think a little Christmas song to Kellogg's improvise on the spot by William Montgomery. Can we get a spotlight, Kino,

Starting point is 01:57:27 who started drinking before tonight's show? So there you go. Who's drinking Jameson? I caught him in the service bar just drinking a giant glass of Jameson. I'm gonna hand for Kino on sound and lights back there. He has to get liquored up to do this job. He's so miserable.

Starting point is 01:57:44 Look at this guy. He's so miserable. Here's Will you. I drink half a bottle of James and that was Kino. You're getting confused. You're singing about Kellogg's and Christmas. Oh, that was a different person that did that. That would be... FOOT! I ate two bulls of Kellogg's on Christmas Eve last year, it was two with blueberries and milk. My mom was missing as always on Christmas, But we had Kellogg's all brim but I love Kellogg's on Christmas It's wonderful!

Starting point is 01:58:59 Kellogg's on Christmas is One of my favorite Christmas Things to do when my mom is at home But I love Kellogg's on a snowy Christmas Sometimes you we Kellogg's on Christmas Long, long Christmas Sometimes you don't get Kellogg's on Christmas But next year if you really pray

Starting point is 01:59:35 Just end to come He will bring you Kellogg's Let X Christmas. Woo! Wow! I mean, Woo! Woo!

Starting point is 01:59:53 Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo!

Starting point is 02:00:01 Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! Hell yeah! And how loud can this place get for one of the greatest of all times? Him Dillon everybody! TimDillonCommity.com that's him Dillon show available everywhere. Truly one of the funniest fucking human beings on planet earth. Such an honor that we're still able to get fucking a guy like you to go from Carnegie Hall to fucking dealing with goddamn people pulled out of a bucket.

Starting point is 02:00:29 The drawing from Ryan G belt is in, it's unbelievable. Let's look at the drawing from the Great Chris Rogers. Ooh, William Montgomery! How exciting! That's a for auction. There's exclusive Killtoni merch for sale in the lobby on your way out. There's still a very, very few tickets available for December 30th. I'm on tour in New York City, Clearwater, Florida, and all of January through June. How exciting! Check out the SunsetStrip ATX.com, see the secret show every Thursday we have shows all week. Shout out to Joe Blaster Red Rose Yellow Rose Connect Mobile Health dot com ninja buses dot com hall law firm and Austin security guard service.

Starting point is 02:01:12 We love you guys so much. Have a one more time for the best stamp ban in the land. That's Matt Muleling on the electric. John Dees on the keys. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Paul Deemer on the horns. And one more time for D-Mateness on the bass guitar, everybody. We love you guys. God bless Texas, and God bless the United States of America.

Starting point is 02:01:35 Good night, everybody. 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc 1 tbc

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Starting point is 02:03:04 1 tbc 1 tbc 1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.5-1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1.1. 구독과 좋아요 부탁드립니다! you you

KILL TONY - #639 - TIM DILLON

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