KILL TONY - #650 - BERT KREISCHER - BOBBY LEE - ESTHER POVITSKY

Episode Date: February 13, 2024

Bert Kreischer, Bobby Lee, Esther Povitsky, William Montgomery, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, Paul Deemer, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 01/22/2024 Follow Tony: @TonyHinchcliffe Follow Brian: @Redban Follow Yoni: @BestBarbecue To watch the podcast on YouTube: https://bit.ly/KILLTONYYouTube Don’t forget to follow the podcast for free wherever you're listening or by using this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY If you like the show, tell people about it! You can text, email, post, or send this link: https://bit.ly/KILLTONY To check out the show live in Austin, TX, go to: https://killtonylive.com Go to https://hellofresh.com/ktshowfree and use code ktshowfree for FREE breakfast for life! Try MOOD’s new THCa flower today! For a limited time only, get 20% off your first order and a FREE THCa pre-roll. Just go to https://hellomood.com and use promo code KILLTONY. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to https://talkspace.com/tony to get $80 off of your first month and show your support for the show. Head to https://www.squarespace.com/killtony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain using code KILLTONY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.tv. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliff at TonyHinchcliff.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tone Time. Hey, this is Red Bay, coming to you live from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get it for Tony. It's Clay! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh?

Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Oh, shit. Here we go again. Hey, look, it's Red Band, everybody. Hi. We've been doing this show a long time together. Yes. 10 and a half years running, and it is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. Who's excited to be here, huh?

Brought to you by Gellblaster, the Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall Law Firm, Austin Security Guard Service, ninjabuses.com and Connect Mobile Health. Get an IV drip, save 10% using the promo code KILLTONIOR, TONI 10, something like that. How about a hand for the best damn band in the land, everybody, god damn it, unbelievable, right? This fucking serial killer's excited. I could tell those cold dead eyes. Jesus fucking Christ. I think I found the rainy street serial killer

right here. Just out in the fucking obvious blatant fucking cold dead eyes. Jesus guys are all bundled up. Why don't you take your fucking ski jacket off? Relax a little bit, sir. Jesus Christ. That's the Peterson brothers joining the band over there. Local fucking legends. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt the Mortician mulling on the electric guitar. The leader of the band John John Dees on the keys.

And let him hear it, cause that's all he can do. The great and powerful D-Madness everybody. Oh shit. It is going down tonight. Before we start tonight's episode, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all available for you here, right now. on set stripatx.com for tickets. You know, whether you're trying to save money, eat better, stress less, Hello Fresh is here to help you do all three. Say hello to your most delicious year yet with fresh ingredients

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Well, well, well, you're in good hands. This is a show that's been booked out for a while. This is very, very exciting. These are two of our favorite human beings that we have been working with for 17 fucking years at the comedy store legends of the comedy store working fucking icons of the comedy game. And most importantly, our comedy store brother and sister. Let's see how loud this place can get for Bobby Lee and Esther Pavitsky. Oh shit.

Oh shit. Oh yeah, look, it's Bobby Lee motherfuckers. Come on. Show your respect to Bobby Lee. Little Esther. Here's a scoot down. All right. This one's working. Yeah. They don't like over here. Hell, yeah.

Hey, one more time for Tony Kinski. I'm big fan. It's been years since you guys have been on this show. We're so happy to have you back. They're in a movie together, Drugstore June, February 23rd in select theaters. They're doing movies. We're doing our podcast in arenas.

Everybody's thriving right now. I don't know how I had to bring us back into it, but you know, movies, exciting, select theaters, select arenas, we theaters, select arenas. We're going select arenas. Madison Square Garden. It's not a competition. It's not. No, I know. It's not. We're both doing good.

I'm so excited to have you guys. You get more girls than me, I think. What? You get more girls than me. Do you get any? Because I get more than me. Do you get any? Because I get more. I get more. I get more than any. Oh God, I also get more dudes than you. So we're even. Have you ever done gay stuff? No, but everybody thinks I have. So I just lean. Then you know I go with the wind. I know you haven't. That's

right. Thank you. The gayest stuff I've ever done. Today and you believe that Tony That's right, thank you. The gayest stuff I've ever done. They used to date and do you believe that Tony would eat her butthole? Oh my. That is true. That is true. You talk about it all the time.

And she's right? Did he not eat her butthole? That is true. The old Jewish tunnel. Ha ha ha. So gross. Can I? Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

The old stinky dreidel. Can I tell the crowd what happened on our first date? What happened on our first date? Yes, you can. If it is what I think it is, yes. So you came in your pants? You did. You made me come in my pants.

I was 23. I was 23. This is 17 years ago. She was 22. I was 23. They were a very lightweight pair of jogging pants. 17 years ago, she was 22, I was 23, they were a very lightweight pair of jogging pants. Unbelievably thin, I was poor, I had no money,

they were the thinnest, I used to freeze in those jogging pants. Now I don't wanna brag, but I'm, you're not the only person at this table who's eating my ass. Uh oh. No, no. Uh ohoh. No, no. Gross. Uh-oh. It's how me and Tony know each other.

Would you put a little breadcrumbs down there for him? He likes a heavy carb diet. I love it. Well, we're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. This is a little family reunion up here. Before we explain the show, one more special treat for you. Joining the band in icon of Kill Tony Music History,

one of the great joke-meisters of the show. You also know her from the hit podcast, Bad Friends with Bobby Lee and Andrew Santino. Make some fucking noise for the Jet Ski, Jesse Johnson. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. There she is. You know her. Yeah, lover coming straight from two sold out arenas here in Austin, Texas. I also mean that after death.

Hey! Brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum, brum. If you guys don't know when jet ski says something funny everybody goes that's a thing so practice everybody and it's not juicy by the way oh there's red bands first attempt of the night there he goes, alright, there we go. Alright, Bobby Esther, you guys remember how it works? Hundreds of people signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds on tonight's show. They get that uninterrupted, their chance to make it or fucking break it. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear which is back in West Hollywood. He zooms in to growl like that all the way from West Hollywood. It's amazing every week. Very consistent. I'm going to pre-pool a name from this bucket and we're going to chase that person down from the bar next door. In the meanwhile we will get 60 seconds uninterrupted, a brand new minute from one of the legends of the show, ladies and gentlemen, a very polarizing figure. This guy, I mean, is the talk of the town right now.

I present to you a brand new minute from the great and powerful Hans Kim. -♪ Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Kim, Hans Everyone thinks Texas is just a bunch of dudes in cowboy hats making tacos for each other. Who do you think paints their wives' nails? A lot of immigrants are coming across the border, which is great, because my windshield's kind of dirty. coming across the border, which is great, because my windshield's kind of dirty. And I was thinking of picking up some flowers on the way home. I think it would suck to be paralyzed from the neck down,

unless you're into bondage. Then it's like you're getting tied down by God. He used to be my father, now he's my daddy. Thank you. Wow. Amazing. He did it again. A brand new minute, Bobby.

I mean, dude, I'm a fucking fan of yours. I have no idea. I didn't know you knew me. I'm a fucking fucking dog. I'm a fucking dog. I'm a fucking dog. What the fuck dude? I'm sorry.

I thought you were from Texas. I had no idea, I had no idea. No, but dude, I mean, I never thought that it was a filter gook than me. Honestly, when I watch it, I had no idea. No, but dude, I mean, I never thought that it was a filthier gook than me. And honestly, when I watch it, I go, oh my God, that's like, you're like my son or something. I am your son. Like a descendant or whatever.

And I like what you're doing. And I'm so, I know your parents are probably disgraced. Yes. But I'm fucking proud of you. Thank you, Bobby. Amazing, look at that. Look at that. Look at that. Look at that.

Just a little Korean love machine over here. I absolutely love it. Hans, you did it again. Beats and fucking punch lines the whole way through. You got a fresh haircut. Looking great. Not the usual dictator volume that we've had in the past. This is a new look, everything fits tonight.

What's going on? Thank you, Tony. I don't know. You know, I've had a lot of women criticize me. Oh, oh no. In a helpful way, they're like, hey, your wardrobe looks like you're trying to be an old man. And I was like, well, that's not, I wanna be a young boy. Hans, Hans, your wardrobe looks like you're trying to be an old man. And I was like, well, that's not... I want to be a young boy.

Hunts, hunts, hunts. Hunts. Hunts. What's your style in bed? Like, you power fuck or what? Uh, I'm like, uh, yeah, power strokes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just, just, uh, not a lot, but like, just, oof, you know. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Pretty good. Pretty good.

I like to soak... I just like to put it in and let it soak. Yeah. Oh, edging, edging. I do the sewing machine. Ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta little LA short ribs. My goodness. Yeah. Old short ribs over there. What's the longest you've ever just let it sit? Probably around like five minutes. Wow. What?

That's amazing. Kimchi. You're baking your dick. My goodness. You have a bun in the oven, he has a bow in the oven. It's incredible. Little Esther, what do you think in the oven, he has a bow in the oven. It's incredible. Little Esther, what do you think about the great Hans Kim? I thought this, you know, I've watched you

on previous episodes, this felt really, like your timing was good, you weren't nervous. And I liked the joke about the nails. I live in LA, so nobody can be racist there, so that was fun. And her people know about nails, they're the ones that drove them through Jesus' hands, so... Oh!

Ha-ha-ha-ha! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, let's fucking go! I love it. Hans, an amazing minute, a fucking great way to get the show started. You have to do it every week. It's not easy. There's a lot of fucking people that fucking talk shit and you take it like a goddamn champion

as your star power grows, your ninja star power, and you prove the haters to be pieces of shit every week. Congratulations. The reigning, defending, opening regular of the show. Hans Kim, everybody. And like that, everything takes a wild turn because now we go to the bucket. This is where shit, obviously, if you know the show, gets crazy. It could be a completely insane person that says crazy stuff. It could be the future of the show.

A star could be made or someone could embarrass themselves. Your first bucket pull of the night is Jason Rodriguez, everybody. These people have been waiting all day in the cold and here we go, it's Jason Rodriguez. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jason Rodriguez. Hey, hey. All right, how's it going?

Life's good? Cool, yeah, life's good for me. I have a mustache now. Everyone likes it. Mostly guys. Mostly guys with mustaches. Love my mustache. There's a whole facial hair community.

They're all into it now. It gets weird. One guy with a mustache once, he was like, anyone ever say you got like a pedophile stash? And I was like, no. And he was like, I get that all the time, like that's just you? That's, it's probably shave. That's not what you don't want.

Yeah, no one says about me. No one says I have a pedophile stash. I think because I have a body of a victim. I think that's why. I think, and people see my face like, oh, what a creep they look down. I said, ah, it's an Indian teenager. Never mind.

I wish I had a beard though. A beard seems manly. Look, you work with your hands. I was like, I work my hands in like a different kind of, like a... Uh... Was that good form? I don't fucking know.

I don't know. Who knows? Okay, what else is there? Yeah, I remember my buddies. Oh, I'm done, cool. Thank you. There you go, Jason Rodriguez. All right. Very fun. Not bad.

Welcome. Have you been on this show before Jason? Yeah, like three years ago. Okay. Yeah, you didn't have the mustache back then. No, this is a new thing. Look at you now. You worked hard for it. I did 30 years. Put it in. Absolutely. Absolutely. It's pretty thick. So you can't grow a beard at all. Nope, not at all. This is it. No, do you always tuck in one side of your jacket collar like that? Is that like a trademark? No, not at all. There you go. Okay, look at you. Is this better now?

Eh, I mean, that's just curious. Fuck me. Yeah, tuck it back in. I like it. I can't do anything right? I like that. You should do that all the time. That could be like your thing.

This is my thing. Absolutely. What do you do for work, Jason? We're gonna poke a place. A poke a place? Yeah, you know, poke. Oh my goodness. Bobby... Yeah, we know what poke is.

Yeah. Because we're not planet Earth! Okay, alright. I knew you did. I know that for sure, but... Oh my God. He said you do for sure. I don't know. Oh my goodness.

What's the goal? John D's on the keys back here. Do you get a lot of Asian people in the poke place? Actually mostly white people in like Teslas and stuff. Teslas? Yeah. Okay. Is it a drive-in poke place or are you just keeping an eye on the parking lot? I do, yeah. It's a really small shop.

You can see their automotor wheels. And what do you do exactly at the poke place? Are you slicing the fish? Yeah, we slice the fish. We do that in the morning. We put in the bowl, we mix it up. We give them to the guy. It's about it.

Is it frozen or do these ship it fresh? No, it's frozen. Oh. Yeah. I don't know what I do. I don't know what I do. I'm anxious. Yeah. Well, yeah, we're in the middle of Texas. You can't really have like fresh salmon and tuna. Would you eat it? Like is it okay? I eat it every day all the time.

Yeah. Okay. I think it's bad for you if you eat it more than like eight ounces though. You get like iron poisoning or some shit. Mercury. Mercury we that say. One of those. I don't know. Not iron. work or we that say one of those yeah I don't know iron right I love it so you're making poke for a living how long you've been doing stand-up like six years six years what's your love life like are you with a I got a lady got a girlfriend okay yeah she's cool she's white she camps yeah you meet her at the poke place? No, I met her. She's like a door girl at a comedy club. Oh, is that competitive to this? No, not at all. It's like an improv theater.

Yeah, boo. It's gay or whatever. Does she do comedy too? No, not at all. Thank God. Yeah, right. And does she like the mustache? Yeah, she only knew me, she only knows like mustache Jason, that's all she knows. Oh, mustache Jason. Yeah, I'm afraid to shave it.

She might like cheat on me or something, I don't know. Yeah, maybe that's the thing, keeping it all together. I love it. Do you have any special skills or talents that we'd be surprised to know about? I can build furniture really fast. Okay. So you are Latino. That checks out. Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

So anything that we'd be surprised to know that you can do? Yeah. Oh, that's good. The beans? Okay. No, I'm not like a talented person, kind of a loser, honestly. This is like, I only, I did my talent to think just a second ago, that was it. Like, I could do like 30 push-ups, I think.

Really? Yeah. You think you can do 30 push-ups? Yeah, not in a row, but. I could do 30. You could do 30? You could do 30? I've never done it, but I think I can.

Yeah. You try! Let's do it. You can do 30? You can do 30? I've never done it, but I think I can. Yeah. You're right! Let's do it! The old 30-30 with Bobby Lee and Jason Rotary, guys. 30 push-ups. Wait, Jason, you got to do them too. Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, fifteen, sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, nineteen, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, twenty, Now! Oh! He's dead, everybody. He's dead.

He's dead. Oh my goodness. Oh my god. Welcome to Kill Bobby. Oh my god. That was amazing. Oh my goodness. How about a hand for Bobby Lee, everybody?

Wow, that was so good. What's the deal? What's the deal? I'm gonna get off the, oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god, the machine! Live on Kill Tony! Fuck, fucking 50 clean baby!

Hell yeah! Shout out to Ways to Well, testosterone's doing good. Yeah. I don't come anymore, but that's cool. Mm-hmm. Bert, the machine-crisher is joining the party, everybody. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That was it. So red band. Red band, do your 30, catch him doing it in virtual reality. Everybody. There you go.

Should I try? No, you're pregnant. You can't do it. We never got Jason to do his. You think you could do it? Oh, fuck. I don't want to do it. This is one of the worst podcasting segments of all time.

I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. I'm not doing it. You can't do it. We never got Jason to do his. You think you can do it? Oh, fuck. I don't want to do it. This is one of the worst podcasting segments of all time. For those of you listening to the show, people are doing push-ups.

And here we go. One, two, three. It's not happening. Oh, he's already slowing up. This is not looking good. This is not looking good. It doesn't look good. He ain't building my furniture. I'll give him credit.

He is going pretty far down. You got it. You got it. You got it. Got it. 26, it. You got it. You got it. 26, 27, 28, 29, 30. Jason Rodriguez. Oh my God.

Five set, great push-ups. You did fantastic, Jason. Muchos, muchos gracias. I would love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Oh, look at that. Thank you, Ryan. Oh. They couldn't possibly push up your ceiling any higher.

Jason, here's a Kiltoni joke book from the great Bones Eye. There's Jason Rodriguez, everybody. Thank you, guys. Appreciate it. Thank you guys. Appreciate it. Thank you, there he goes. Do you think seeing a therapist or psychiatrist would be helpful, but you don't have the time to actually find one and meet with them

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Code KILLTONI for 20% off your order and every THCA per re-roll. We're gonna watch a comedian. I'm ready. Let's go. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Grant Adcock, everybody. Your next bucket poll, Grant Adcock. Here he is

How's it going You guys drinking tonight Fuck yeah, thank you for being here I love drinking people actually tell me I drink too much. I Tell them all the same thing. I say You don't even fucking know you're a ha-ha-ha-ha. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. Are you guys a couple? Yeah, a couple dipshits.

All right. All right. All right. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome. Welcome.

Welcome. I read a cool stat. 2023 officially had the highest percentage of mentally handicapped homeowners of all time. Yeah, guys, get out for that. That's a big deal. That's got to be a tough guy to have as a landlord. All right? The fourth of the month comes up, you haven't paid rent, you get a text message, it's just a voice memo from your retarded landlord. All it says is, time to pay the PIPA.

All right, 60 seconds from Grant Adcock, rock solid. Very good. Welcome back, you've been on the show before, correct? First time. This is your first time? First time. Okay. Wow.

Welcome, welcome. Absolutely. How long have you been doing stand-up? Probably like three, four years. Nice. What do you do for work? I work at Sunset, actually. I work at... I'm a barista. Oh, barista at Red Band's Comedy Club. Look at that. Second Highest Highest. There you go. Very good. So you're only making coffee beverages? Making coffee I work out three to six every day. There you go. That's a good plug for the club. You guys will do anything to get people in there.

We have great coffee. The best coffee on 6th Street. The most coveted hours of making coffee. Three to six. For all those strippers in comics. You know what's cool though? It's so that comics can go there and use the mic. If they write a new joke during the coffee hour, they can just go up and try the material out

to all these people that answer. Wow, and I've got Starbucks head and nail. What you're telling me is there's a coffee shop out there where I can hear their thoughts. What's some of the wacky stuff you see go on there between three and six? Today, it was yesterday we were setting up the A-frame that says we have coffee. A homeless lady said, you're trying to poison us, aren't you, fat fuck?

And that was the first person I talked to that day. Once again, there's an open mic at this place. Yeah. That's amazing. That's amazing. I love it. So, how old are you? 27. 27? Okay. What's your living situation like? You're only working three to six. You're doing stand-up.

Seems like that's a tough living. Yeah, it's that. I live with my girlfriend, so we both, she makes a lot more money than I do. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah.

No doubt about it. Her hands look like this, so mine can move. Can I give a real like, absolute? Yeah, Bobby Lee. I thought you were great. At that, in the beginning, you were a little nervous, and as soon as you get your first laugh, I saw you grow into your confidence.

Oh, thank you so much. Start that way. Fuck it. There you go. Start with your confidence. I saw that too. The moment that we've all had that you get your first laugh, and you went, you did your jaw to this.

Oh, god. Yeah. And you took the mic off the stand. That's what I wanted to see. You were confident, dude. In the beginning, you were like, Tim, it's fine. Although I wouldn the mic off the stand, that's what I wanted to see. You were confident, dude. In the beginning you were like timid, it's fine. Although I wouldn't open with the you two are dipshits joke. I thought you alienated it.

No, yes. Are you guys a couple of a couple of dipshits anyway? I thought my favorite part was your impression of being drunk and like I would want more of that from, because you're so good at it. Fuck it, there you go. It is, it's incredible to have Shane Gellis's nephew here on the show. Woo!

Woo! You're adorable. So how old are you, 27? 27. OK, so what's the weirdest thing in your refrigerator? Probably an empty pizza box. I don't know actually. An empty pizza box.

You just threw it back in there. I forgot to take the trash out Tuesday, so I'm just kind of leaving it there till tonight. Does your girlfriend ever yell at you for forgetting to do chores like that? She's yelling at me right now actually. No, I'm not. No, she's very cleanly, so she doesn't,

she gets a little upset. Why is she paying the rent? Because you don't look like you're good at sex. So. That is a really good point. You might be, I'm just. We split the rent. Do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom

or something that you do to please her, the rent paying woman that cleans up after you? It does a bunch. No, and I need to fucking keep it together, I guess, because that's, yeah, I, sometimes I try to talk. Like during sex? Yeah, I'll be like, you like that dick or something.

Oh my goodness. Wow. Oh my goodness. I just go like, you know. Oh my goodness, that's like a genuine question. Do you like that dick? Do you like that dick? Do you like that dick? That's how it comes off, it's not really hot, so.

Yeah, you sound like you were genuinely asking. I was like, though you had another dick that you could put in there. Or you work put in there. Or you work for the census. Am I the only one hearing like a Norm MacDonald vibe from him a little? He's a little thick though, like Norm MacDonald's. I love it. Any other crazy fun facts about you grant ad cock that we'd be surprised to know about your entire life or anything like that? Yeah, it was actually, I fell off a balcony when I was 23.

Wow. I landed on my head. And it was really the pandemic and... That does not explain it. Yeah, it does. What were you doing? Actually, we were all climbing balconies during the pandemic. As a matter of fact, that's the one time

no one climbed a balcony. We just stayed in our fucking house. But yeah, you're seeing who else is in other houses. That's weird, having a little pandemic party, which wasn't, you know, I paid the price. Yeah, I was dancing on a balcony by myself and I fell off. Oh my God. I was even more top heavy at the time.

And just went head over heel and fucking, I was in hospital for a month. Wow, what did they diagnose? I had a little brain bleeding, but I didn't have to get performed. I broke my leg, fractured my jaw. You landed on your head and your leg at the same time? My leg broke and that kind of took the majority of the impact and they might face one off the concrete.

Did you fall backwards or forwards? Forward and just kind of tipped over. You did like a full 360, landed on your leg, broke it. Broke it, and then my face hit, so I had all these teeth are fake. I was wondering that, I swear to God I was wondering that. I was like, he's got a good smile, is that why she's with them? Your teeth do not match your shirt. That is true.

That is a great, great observation. When they pulled him out of a coma, the doctor diagnosed him with, looks like you're too legit to quit. I'm sorry. I love it. Well, Grant, your first time on the show, a great minute. You're leaving with a big kill Tony joke. And I'd love to have you on the secret show. Oh, thank you so much.

The barista is hitting a big joke. I love to have you on the secret show. The barista is hitting the big stage on a Thursday night grant ad cock, getting a paid gig. All right, I pulled another name out of the bucket, gonna keep things moving along. I wonder if this is who I think it is. Make some noise for your next comedian. Karen Jones, everybody, it is, yeah. All right, this is actually one of the legends of the show. Here she is, Karen Jones. Oh. Oh.

What happened to a woman's right to choose? I understand why everyone's worked up about it. I had to take a drug test today. I'm thinking, how come I don't get to choose smoking weed? Why is it only limited to reproductive things? And then I thought of the caveat, well, some people are okay with abortion as long as it's medically necessary

or in the case of rape or incest. So I'm thinking that should be a carve out for everything I wanna do. I'm thinking that should be a carve out for everything I wanna do. I'm thinking that should be a carve out for everything I wanna do. Well, I'm sorry, but rape and incest. Gonna get a face tattoo. It's medically necessary,

because I don't have eyebrows. These are my only tattoos on my forehead. So they were medically necessary, and I was a victim of rape and incest. I love saying rape and incest together. It's like soup and sandwiches. All right, Karen Jones. Little rape and incest.

Okay, Karen, Karen, Karen, where do we begin? Well, with an apology? You want an apology from me? No, I'm kidding. Yeah. I got Sanjay Gupta. What does that mean to you? Oh, I'm sorry. Yeah, I got Sanjay Gupta. What does that mean to you?

Oh, I'm sorry. C&N. Okay. What does that mean to you? Oh, I'm sorry. This drug test, you know what the drug test means? It means I can't take drugs. And if I can't take drugs, I can't sleep. So I'm like super tired right now, but I didn't want to miss a Monday. But ask me another question, Tony. So you just basically talked about your day? Karen looks like she could have used the coffee between 3 and 6 p.m. I could have. I could have.

That was rough. I don't expect an apology. I think you've been nothing but wonderful and provided a great opportunity for me and other people. But why would I apologize? Oh, because that stupid newspaper and in your interview on the Rogan show, they were just a, Joe Rogan was reading what the paper wrote that I stormed a line. Was that when I was on an episode of Rogan?

I talked about how you got in trouble for storming the Capitol on January 6th. No! So she's been on this show before. Let me catch you all up real quick. She's been on this show before. Long interview. We were having so much fun and I finally let her go after a long interview. And she goes, but Tony, that's not even the most interesting thing about me I go well what is and she goes I

came on the show yet not what you said she goes I stormed the Capitol in January there's a newspaper article about it I said that the newspaper accused me of that. Right, and you said you can either confirm nor deny that you were in Nancy Pelosi's office. No, no, no, no, no. I can deny that, but anyway. A patriot someone says.

There she is. Well, I felt. This is it. Welcome to Texas, folks. Yeah, it's crazy that I could get drunk right now, but I can't smoke weed. But why? Why are you being drug tested?

Because I trespassed allegedly. Allegedly. The Capitol on January 6th. That's what they're saying. Does anyone feel like they slid into her Instagram thread and is just reading? I can't sleep, rape and incest. I stormed the Capitol.

I would have opened when I stormed the Capitol. I am so shocked I'm standing next to one of them. It's like... You should be. You guys are like great white sharks. We never see you. Exactly. That's right.

Exactly. Exactly. I would have opened with I Storm the Capital. And that is like dropping a big dick in an orgy. Yep. Everyone's like, hold on, someone's talking. Yeah. Oh.

Oh. It is true, you beat around the bush here, but like everybody wants that fucking thunder. So keep us posted. What's been going on with that? So we mentioned it on Rogan, then they charge you with something after that? No, the story is exactly upside down.

I was arraigned on December 14th, but I knew I was being arrested because they're very public that they're gonna arrest everybody. And so I came on here so you guys would know more truth about it, not just see that crazy, violent loop, that it was mainly the old ladies

that stand with flags in front of vet halls. What? No, no, let her go. You're right, you were missing it. You misunderstood, keep going. We saw the wrong footage. That is exactly right. That's what you're fucking saying.

Wait, I have a question. When they tried to arrest you for storming the Capitol, did you just say like, rape and incest? That's a good one, I should have used it. I wish I had seen you on my feet like that. That was good. But they didn't try to arrest me. They said they were issuing arrest warrants.

I knew it was coming. So I came and put my name in the bucket and blah, blah, blah. You came and put your name in the bucket here? Yes. Right. Okay. So why are they drug testing you? And for how long does that last? I don't know. It's supposed to be random, but I went in Friday, then I dialed the number. I had to go in again today.

So what happens if you smoke marijuana? What did they tell you? What happens if you fail a drug test for storming the Capitol? Is this what they did to the people? Like, alright, you just can't smoke pot for a few months. No, no, no, no. It's on OR and it's the conditions of my release that I have to do drug testing and be monitored and for misdemeanor, two trespassing, one, this is my favorite one, the parading. Oh, they call it parading.

That's the third charge and the fourth one is interfering with government or something. Or something? Or something? They're all misdemeanors. She's balls dead accurate on parading. But the heavy, the felony, she, I don't know, it's like trying to kill, I don't know what her plot is.

Wow. But you don't know when it ends, you don't know what the... No, I know my next date is March 5th and then I don't know when it ends. You don't know what the... No, I know my next date is March 5th, and then I don't know what the process is. You just keep going to court, paying lawyers, and showing up so you stay out of jail. Like a patriot.

Apparently. Hey, if you guys had done it properly, like Lenin did. It has the same fucking shit, read history books. So, let me ask you this. Is there anything that you would have done differently on that day, in retrospect, on January 6th? Well, in retrospect, I wouldn't have asked my husband if he wanted to go in. You're the one that kind of led you two in there?

Well, he had never been before. Well, there was a lot of people that haven't been inside the Capitol during business hours. No, it was the middle of the day and it was the backside of the entrance and everybody coming out looked nice and happy. and it was the backside of the entrance and everybody coming out looked nice and happy. And my head. You were wearing the same thing I was wearing there, you know, red, white, and blue. No, this is what I was wearing.

You can look at the pictures of my leash for it. Yes, I was wearing, this is my fleece, allegedly. Well, there's pictures of me in this. Oh yeah. I love it. Represent, make America gray again. I'm it. Represent. Make America gray again. I'm tired. Okay. Well, Jesus, get out of here then.

There she goes. Karen Jones, everybody. She's tired. There she goes, everybody. All right. Do you think seeing a therapist or psychiatrist would be helpful, but you don't have the time to actually find one and meet with them or afford them? Try Talkspace. By doing everything online, Talkspace is made getting the help you want easy, accessible

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To match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.com slash Tony to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's talkspace.com slash Tony. Yeah, let's do that. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go to one of your regulars, everybody, a legend of the game. I present to you a brand new minute

from the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I was thinking about a traumatizing thing that happened in my life. And one of them was, I was 15 years old when I went to my first strip club. And the person that took me was my cousin, Natron. Now whoever you see when I say Neytron, that's that nigga, dawg. My uncle, look at his newborn baby boy,

he was like, mm-hmm, Decepticon. That's crazy as fuck, dawg. He could only be two things in life, an NFL player or a prisoner. And Neytron was both. So, uh, right when he got his first NFL contract, it was, um, we took him to the strip club. And I'm gonna tell y'all some real shit.

In the strip club, like, the 15-year-old in that strip club was not a good place for anybody. And the strippers were so excited to see me, they was very happy to see me, and they were doing a whole bunch of sexual shit to me, but like, in the childish way, like, they were like, blowing raspberries on my dick.

Like, you was like the cute little nigga. I came twice, it was crazy. That's my top. Wow. Wow. Yeah. Yes. One of the great regulars of the show

with a brand new minute. Can I say something? Yeah. So I was at the improv in Hollywood, a new minute. Can I say something? Yeah. So I was at the improv in Hollywood, a month that we did a show together. Yeah. And I didn't know who you were, I'm sorry, right? But I was like, I asked people around, I go,

who is this guy? He's from Kill Tony. So I stayed to watch. You fucking rocked that house. You were also the last guy. You had to follow heavy weights. You killed it, dude. Thank you so much.

Yeah, man, so. Thanks. Oh. Ha ha ha ha. Yeah, man, so... Thank you. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha. Now let's see what happens. I don't touch black people, buddy. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Now the funniest part, somebody in the crowd, you bring me up, they just yell gang violence. You like, yeah, he's black. Yeah, ha ha ha. Yeah, he's black. I just know that. How you know he was black? That's crazy.

Ha ha ha. This is the first store hearing of Natron. Yeah, my cousin Natron.'s crazy. Yeah, yeah. This is the first store hearing of Natron. Yeah, yeah, my cousin Natron. My goodness. Yeah, yeah. It's amazing. You have so many of these references and stories. I've never heard of Natron before.

Does he live in? Nah, he live in Tampa. Where? He live in Tampa. Tampa. Tampa, okay. I was. I grew up in Tampa and I know black guys from Tampa. Yeah, okay. I was like, I grew up in Tampa and I know black guys from Tampa.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah. I thought for sure he was saying temple there. I thought maybe he was a Jewish synagogue of some kind, but no, Tampa is where Natron lives. What's Natron up to nowadays? What does a guy like Natron do for a living? He doing good, man.

He own like a bouncy house business right now. Bouncy house business. I agree. So a lot of money in that. There's a hole in there, there's a lot of money in that. Yeah, cause you buy it and then you pay to his 50 bucks a day to set it up. And to buy it's cheap and you can rent it out for 500 bucks

a day, it's a good business. I agree. It's a really good fucking business. Wow, I didn't know Burt was in the bouncy house business. I had two, I still have house business. I had two daughters. I still have them, but I have two daughters. It's a great deal. For a day, you rent one of those bounce,

especially the wet and the slip and slide ones. That's 750. That's 750. That's extra for the water, you know what I mean? I would love it if you would include the bouncy house stuff in the act. That's really good. Yeah, you can add that to the natron stuff. And you and him have been close for a long time?

Yeah, he liked my cousin, cousin. Your actual cousin, I do believe that means. Second cousin. Wait, wait, that's what that means? No, no, he's my real cousin? Yeah, what do you mean? Oh, no, no, he my real cousin. He my real cousin. That's my cousin. I mean, I knew my whole life. Okay.

Yeah, yeah. So like, when he says cousin, that could mean a friend of more than like a year. But if it's a cousin cousin, that means that it is your uncle or aunt's child. That's my first cousin's cousin. What? Oh, that's his second cousin.

Friend? Right. Yup, Bobby was right. They don't get to say dad, so they say cousin a lot. That's a girl, that's a girl. That's not cool, but... That's for later. Thank you, thank you.

That's for the air. I take that appreciate that coming from you. You're funny as fuck. Is the natron's dad in his life? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He didn't bounce. No. What's a real cousin then?

Like if you were to say like a real cousin. My first cousin, La Ma Cun. La Ma Cun. Well, you're Joe Rogan's producer producer. Yeah, fuck you man. I want to take this kid on the road with me. Yeah, he's amazing. He is a fucking killer on the road. You just worked with Shane Gillis this weekend for the first time.

Yeah, yeah, that shit was fun. Yeah, amazing, right? That shit was great. Who's in Peoria and St. Louis, that shit was crazy, though. Yeah. The good time saw snow for the first time. Oh, wow. Yeah, yeah.

I was frolicking and shit, it was crazy. You were frolicking? I was frolicking. I was fun to make a snow angel, but I got down and it was cold and shit, so I got up, but it was fun. It was fun, though. I really enjoyed that shit, but it was a good time, bro. Hell yeah.

That shit was fun, bro. OK, one more bad joke. When black guys make a snow angel, do you make it like this? Ha ha ha ha ha. If you didn't get it, that's supposed to be a dead body. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. I fucking love this, kid. If you didn't get that's supposed to be a dead body. I fucking love this kid.

He's amazing. I'm telling you. I wish my son was black. You could have doubted me, nigga. My dad can't spell. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha absolute sensation. We love you, Cam. You're a fucking... You're a star, dude. You're a fucking star. Give us a big... Big stuff happening all the way around, one of the best top young rising comedians in the world.

One more time for Cam Patterson. Yeah, okay. Boom. We did it again. All right. Bobby's gonna go pee pee real quick. And we're bringing up somebody from the inside everyone. So this is one of your people, one of your representatives.

They are inside the audience. That usually means it's a first timer. We'll see what happens. Make some noise for Carlos Lopez, everybody. Let's see. We have movement on a Carlos Lopez. Is that Carlos? Is this Carlos, the big guy in the middle?

Oh yeah, here he comes every, oh, nope, that's a guy going to the bathroom. Anybody see a Carlos Lopez? Nothing? How's that possible? What? Whoever that is yelling from the back, come tell a producer. The great Liz Splatt coming in with some information. Hey, look at this Carlos Lopez. All right, here he is. Taking a long time, everybody. Perhaps more tired than Karen Jones right now,

he might be. We having fun out there? One more time for Carlos Lopez, everyone. Well. It's time for Carlos Lopez, everyone. Oh! Well... The, uh, back part of my dick is more dangerous than the front. Not because it's big or nothing, but that means my stomach's pressing on you. It gets hard to breathe. So I haul horses for a living, and I found myself up in Chicago making friends with thugs

like one should. And I was deep in the conversation before I realized, I don't think smoking pigs in Chicago is the same as in South Texas. Gengeng. Thank you. Wow. A real Texas gentleman, Carlos Lopez, making his Kill Tony debut. Am I correct? Yes, sir. Wow, look at you. Nice, calm swagger.

I mean... Nervous as shit. Wow, I wouldn't be able to guess. You seem fucking cold, calculated, and under control. You got the fucking belt buckle, representing the rock solid, and the fucking belt buckle. I'm nervous as shit. Wow, I wouldn't be able to guess. You seem fucking cold, calculated, and under control. You got the fucking belt buckle

representing the rock solid hat. I mean, you look like Bulls Ride U. And they still can't stay on. God damn right. I don't think anybody's last in eight seconds on that. Wow, look at you, a real man. Holy shit. God damn, this is absolutely incredible. How does one become as manly as you?

Just grew up in South Texas, I guess. Even the women are manly down there. Right. Even the women are manly down there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No fucking way. No way. No way. No way. That... This very well may be the best first-time performance of anyone ever in the history of the show.

We've debuted so many comedians here. So many first times. This is incredible. How long have you been planning for this in your head? Probably since I was a kid. Wow, how old are you? 29. Oh my God, you're 29?

Holy shit. But I'm 16, I look 46. Wow. Oh my goodness. That is incredible. You are a fucking machine. This is unbelievable. And you haul horses?

I haul horses for a living yesterday. Wow. So like the little horse carriage things with the horses? No, you're saying no already. I haul horses like in a big truck in the 18-wheeler. Wow. Oh, I think I hear them now. No, that's my ex-wife.

Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Carlos Lopez is a fucking natural. Dude. This is an epic first time on stage, brother. This is really something else for a first timer. I mean this is exactly what the show is built for. Someone like you, absolutely amazing performance.

People always told you that you're a funny guy? I only in prison. Were you in prison before? No, no, just juvie. I never went back after juvie. What did you get put in juvie for? Oh shit. Yeah.

That's the head tilt that says fucking a goat. For sure. That's a goat fucking head tilt if I've ever seen one. All right, you're the one fucking this goat. I'm just wearing the boots. Oh my goodness. Yeah. What was the other way, your horse around?

It was a, a cuma. I love it. That right. All right. Red Brit god. There you go. Very good Okay, so tell us some more about the life of Carlos Lopez. What else have you been doing? I've been hauling horses since I was like 21. Yeah, hauling horses and the old field before that you were in the oil field Look at you. Oh my goodness. You are just a real fucking man. You have a lot of chest hair? I do, yeah, yeah. I got all the talk on me, hold on. Oh my God, look at that.

Oh. I've been growing it since I was a little girl. Oh my God. Wow. Tell me is it a loom? I am. I am. I really am. I want to get on top of the old

broke back mountain over here. Well, looking for you, this ain't a mustache. It's a saddle. Oh, well, well, you know what? Well, you know what? Well, you know what? I think we could trade belt buckles tonight. You know what I'm saying? I ain't bumpin' buckles, I'm sorry, but.

Wait, what? They call it bumpin' buckles. That's right, that's right. With a buckle bunny? Absolutely, let's fuckin' go. Wait, can I ask you a really tactical question? I just have always wondered this, when you're driving horses and you stop short,

do they all fall? Yeah, they'll fall, break their legs and stuff. You gotta be real careful. I think that all the time. Yeah, me too. That's all when people come me off, I pull my gun out so they don't do it again. Wow.

Allegedly, allegedly. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Has that ever happened? Have you ever had to stop? Like, really hard? Mainly on the Florida Torn Pack, yeah.

Wow, my goodness. Those people don't know how to drive on Florida. Now let's talk about your love life, because seriously, you seem like you could walk up to any fucking woman in the world and have a chance at stealing them away from a man. Do you have any special lines that you say with women or something like that?

Hattie. Oh, that's it. That's all the day. I just came in my pants for the first time since my first hangout with Little Esther. I feel like he's got an answer for everything. He does. Let's be the woman hitting back on him.

I want to see how quick he is. Okay. Who should be the woman here? I'm very excited about this. I'll do it. Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll do it. I like acting if you know what I mean. Oh my God, look at the thing he just did with his hair.

You are a fucking... Hi, hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. How you doing? Oh, you're asking me? Always playing hard to get.

Hi. That was cute. Hi. Howdy. Hi. Patty. Ah. Do you come here often or you wait till you get home? He's too good. You know, my boyfriend's out of town.

I was wondering, maybe you'd come back to my place and... Howdy. Howdy. Hey, Bobby, welcome to the SimProv. I'd like to introduce you to her Asian friend, Bobby. Oh, you doing a scene? Yeah, we're all heading off. Start over, I'll be back.

What do I play? What do I play? The Asian chick. Yeah, you're gonna be an Asian chick and he's... Wait, he hog! How he can go over he hollered. Oh. How he hollered. I got it.

Okay. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it.

I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got it. I got look better behind the ears. Oh my God. My mom does that. I remember. What is happening? God damn it. Holy shit, sorry mom. Lord, I'm sorry, Bobby, I didn't mean that. It's all right, man.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Wait, you played the Asian, he'll play the redneck. Ha ha ha. Can I hear, I just said you, can you do an Asian accent? No.

No, no, no. Yeah, you guys, yeah, you guys, yeah, you guys, we all can. Okay, you get a free pass, you get a free pass. You get a free pass from me? Where's Hans at? Where is he? He said good, he said good. Oh, just repeat after me. Hello. Hello? I sound like goddamn Motorola. Hello, Motorola.

Hello, my name is... What? Sorry. Hello, my name is... My name is... My name is... My name is... My name is...

My name is... My name is... My name is... My name is... My name is... My name is... My name is... My name is... My name is... My name is... My name is... Hello, Motto. Hello, my name... Wait, sorry. Hello, my name is who?

My name is who? My name is who? Oh, I thought you were telling me. No! Repeat after me! Oh, what the fuck are you saying? Hello? Hello?

My name is who? My name is who? Carlos. Carlos. Very good. That's very good. Very good. Now you're canceled. That's amazing. If you would have made me guess which bucket pool stormed the capital, I would have guessed you, Carlos.

It turns out you weren't there. You were hauling horses on January 6th, doing what you do. You do that like five days a week. Is that a full time job? Yeah, I stay out on the road by a month. Wow. Wow. Incredible. I was just on a Sunset Boulevard.

I hauled horses from Sunset Boulevard the other day. Wow. What are you doing with horses on Sunset Boulevard? Where they go? There's a little farm there I picked a horse horses from Sunset Boulevard the other day. Wow, what are you doing with horses on Sunset Boulevard? Where are they going? There's a little farm there I picked a horse up from. Wow. I've hauled horses anywhere and everywhere. Is that all right? Bobby Lee.

Hi. I just wanna let you know I was taking a shit. And I rented to her wife. She watched. But she said, get Bert off the stage. Cause you guys aren't on a date. And she's really mad. All right, I'm leaving. All right, so get Bert. She's not Because you guys aren't on a date. And she's really mad. All right, I'm leaving.

All right, so. She's not mad, but we are on a date. We are on a date, I got what? What the fuck? No, fuck it! Who cares? Fuck it! Bobby!

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I love you, Bert. Bert Grasher, everybody. I love you. We love you, Bert. Thank you so much for swinging by. Catch them on tour, absolutely everywhere. Doing fucking football stadiums and the whole damn thing.

Well, me, Tom and Bert are gonna do a huge show soon. You'll see. Oh, okay. It's gonna be great. I'm opening. All right. I love it. Carlos, I am mesmerized by your unbelievable natural God-given fucking talent here tonight. I think you're putting on a clinic for being yourself

and owning the moment. And uh... I appreciate it. I'm just gonna put it to you this way. If you, uh, next time you're ready for another minute, I'm just gonna have you back when you want. Uh... So you just let me know

when you're done hauling horses and ready to sling some more jokes. We'll be waiting for you. This is the very rare big joke book on a first-time performance. He popped his cherry. Carlos, goddamn Lopez has entered the Kill Tony universe. A true gentleman. Thank you, Carlos. Absolutely.

How about one more time for Carlos Lopez, everyone? That was cool. That was amazing. You know what, dude? I just saw how important the show is. That's great, dude. You just made his fucking day, dude. His life.

Yeah. He's in cloud nine now, dude. Yep. Amazing. Thank you. Amazing. Thank you. Aren't you glad you came and-

No. Pull another name out of the bucket. As you've seen tonight, anything can happen. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jack Schwartz, everyone. Jack Schwartz. Drugstore June out February 23rd is Select theaters. Jack Schwartz. Hey.

I just wrote that. That's new. Okay. You guys want to hear some fun facts? Okay. Fun fact, turkeys can blush. Isn't that cute? Another fun fact, I'm pretty sure scientists are flirting with turkeys. Why do we know that?

How did that experiment happen? It's just some dude walking up too much of turkeys. He's like... Ha! Turkeys are like, oh my God, stop. I can't with you. Oh, that's where that experiment ends. I don't want to hear more. I don't want to hear more from now. Fun fact, turkeys put out bro. You can fuck turkeys. A lot of people I will say, Turkey's a dry me, not when I'm done with it. Uh...

Jack Schwartz, welcome to the show, Jack. Thank you. This is your first time on, correct? It is, yeah. Absolutely. You are the opposite of Carlos Lopez. We went from a real man to a little boy. How old are you? Thank you. I'm 30.

Oh, Jesus Christ. Literally the opposite. Isn't that like the same age as Carl? What did he say, 29? Oh my God. I'm older than that guy. My dad would just. You're older than that grown man that was just on.

He left on a horse in that. I saw him do it. That is crazy. Incredible. Yeah, you look like your Matt Reif's opener or something like that. This is cool. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, I got a lot of those loaded up ready to go, to be honest. You wanna hear some of my TikTok comments? They're rough. What? Just like get that a lot, Matt Reif with AIDS. Yeah.

Matt Reif if he melted. Things like that. A lot of that. Yeah. It feels good. Ugly Matt Reif. Nice. There you go. Yeah. Yeah. We need those too. Esther? No, I also am getting like an Andy Samberg vibe from you a little bit in a nice way. Jewish. Yeah. It started like I didn't want to like you because you look handsome and like people are nice to you, but it was, that was good. It was good. Thank you.

Wow. Thanks, I think, mostly. That was amazing. You're one of the ugliest white dudes I've ever seen. Yeah. I just thought I hate it. Thank you, Bobby. I hate your face.

Yeah. I'm gonna say something right, Dajo you, Bobby. I hate your face. Yeah. I'm gonna say something right, Dajo. You know what I like about you? What's that? You're confident. You didn't get a laugh before the act up, but you committed to the act up, you know, that whole part, right?

And that's what I knew. I was like, you know what? I'm comfortable with this guy. The bit was fucking clean, too, which I liked, dude. It was clever. It's sexual at the end a little bit, but I thought it was cute,

and I thought it was good, and I think I like you, man. Thank you very much. I love it. How long you been doing? You're killing you're doing great how? You gave yourself a standing ovation that was incredible. This is your big moment Bobby How long? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, I know the whole thing is turned around. There he goes. He fucked it up.

Once a gong. He wants a gong. There you go. Two gongs don't make a right. All right. So, Jack, how long have you been doing stand-up? About four years. Four years.

Do you have any special skills or talents that would surprise us? I was a paramedic for like six years. Oh. People don't like to hear that at shows, but. Yeah. Okay, okay. Jesus, relax. This is white, I guess that means.

White paramedic. What's the craziest thing you saw while being a paramedic? Oh God. Some of that's not as funny, to be honest. But I will say, one time a woman, okay I showed up on scene and this guy had one of those retractable car antennas shoved through his neck just missing his jugular there.

And we were talking to him for like 20 minutes and his wife's there and she's in a panic. She's like, this is crazy. And eventually I'm like, we're like, who stabbed you? And he goes, this bitch, she points to his wife. So I was like, oh, cool. Wow. That was like my third day.

Was the radio still playing? Is the reception good? Yeah, he opened his mouth and the Friends theme song came on, it was crazy. All right, very good. What else about you would we be surprised to know Jack Schwartz? Are you Jew? I am Jew.

Okay. That came out wrong. No, I think it was perfect. Are you Jewish? I'm from Tampa. How Jewish are you? What? How Jewish are you?

Like, we're gonna throw a pile. Like I'm atheist, essentially, if that meant, you know what I mean? But like I eat like capers on shit. Okay. All right. I don't know I eat capers on shit. OK. I don't know if this audience understood. About 45% there. Yeah, capers, I don't understand where that factors in.

It's a Jewish thing. It's not. You don't think of it? No. OK, well, my dad lied. I don't know. Are both your parents Jewish? My mom is half Jewish.

My dad's full Jewish, and I was never mitzvahed. So being Jewish is more like a cuisine. Oh, 75%. That's what my baby will be. So that's good to know. Congratulations, by the way. Yeah, your baby's going to end up like this. I'm here talking about turkey business.

What's your love life like? I'm in a relationship. OK. And what does she do? She's a comic. Whoa. Wait for it. She does the show? No. She's in the waiting area hoping to make it up. And it doesn't seem good. She signed up? She signed up. She did. Yeah. Okay. What's her name?

Matilda Epstein. Matilda Epstein. Go grab Matilda Epstein. I've always said that I've wanted it in Epstein on this show before. I've never gotten one. They're gonna go grab her. Okay, how long have you two been together? Like three years. Three years, how long has she been doing stand up? About the same, like within a month.

Okay. It's not gonna work. I'll tell you why, because when comics get together, right? Once one starts blowing up, there's friction. Yeah. Yeah, so. Also, it's hard.

Only one person can be the star. You don't want two stars. Okay. Sorry, wait. She's like really pretty, and I'm just like, what the fuck? I just kind of feel like if it was one of us, you know? Okay. That's too sad, it one of us, you know? Okay. That's too sad, it's not funny, but we'll see.

Wow, is she related to Jeffrey Epstein? I don't really, I don't know. You never asked. I don't ask. I've just been waiting. You've been with her for three years. You've never popped the question. Well, you just kind of wait for a vacation opportunity

that hasn't come, you know what I mean? Yeah. I mean, that would have been my first question to Matilda. Is she related to the famous Epstein that probably like at some point everybody talks about every day, but maybe not. Is Epstein a very popular Jewish last name? I know the steen is, but I don't know if the app. name? I know the steen is, but I don't know if the app. They're out there. Under tunnel and looking tunnels and stuff like that. There you go. There's good

f-steens and there's good wine steens too, okay? Yeah, yep the Baron Steen bears, we love them. Shell Silverstein. There you go. Is she ready? Where is she? They're grabbing her. They're grabbing Matilda right now. Are they ready?

Let's bring her out, let's bring her out. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds, uninterrupted. Stand in front of the drums over there. Take a step that way. Ladies and gentlemen, the Kiltoni debut of Matilda Epstein, everybody. Here we go. She's hot! 60 seconds uninterrupt debut of Matilda Epstein everybody. Here we go. She's hot!

60 seconds uninterrupted from Matilda. Come on, make some noise everybody. Hi! Oh my God, hi! Oh, hi! Oh my God, hi! I don't know anyone here. They look great.

Oh yeah, I guess I know him. My friend's dog ate all of my antidepressants recently, so I'm doing really well. Thank you so much for asking. She was really mad at me. She was like, how could you leave these out? You could have killed them. I'm gonna kill myself. That is what they were for. The dogs are thriving.

They've actually never been better. They're texting their friends back. They're making their beds in the morning. They do have trouble reaching orgasm, but that's okay. I'm just kidding, don't worry. It's still super easy to make them come. I don't know. I don't know.

That's okay. Wow. We're going to look at it. She's better than you. She's better than you, fuck you, dude. Yeah. That's the score. Yeah.

Yeah. You can only the score! Yeah. You'll tell them you won. Yeah. We see who wears the funny pants in this relationship. Your boyfriend's out here talking about, oh, the turkeys are blushing. And you're just out here. No, I'm blushing.

Blushing. This is incredible. Esther pavits me. You guys are a cool comedy couple. Like, I'm impressed. I think this could work. You could stay together. Are you rooting for us?

Yeah, I'm rooting for you. No, that was really funny. That was really fun. And I liked how it was long. And it kept going and taking different directions, but all one bit. Like, that's hard to do. That was really good.

Yeah. Jews are really good at stretching something out and they have it. Getting their money is worth a lot of bang for your buck, you know what I mean? So I'm going to ask the question that your boyfriend somehow has never asked, are you any relation to Jeffrey Epstein?

No, I wish. No. So do I. That'd be so sick. Could be a great interview. Yeah. So do I. That'd be so sick. A big interview. Yeah. Where are you originally from? Maryland.

Maryland. Yeah. Okay. Did you start in Austin or Maryland? DC. Okay. Yes. Sorry, yeah, we're from DC. Oh, you guys are both from DC.

So you guys met each other in DC and moved out here? No, we're living DC. Oh, you guys still living with DC? Oh, wow. Yeah, we're just visiting. Well, you guys still living with DC? Oh, wow. Yeah, we're just visiting. Get the fuck out of here. Just crash him. Just crash him.

Just crash him. Oh, wow, that's great. So you guys moved out, came out here, just to see if we can get on Kill Tony. That's amazing. How long are you guys in town for? Till tomorrow. Oh, you fly back tomorrow?

And let's see who wants me to stay forever. No, we fly back tomorrow. You go back tomorrow. She has stuff she needs to get back to. Yeah, we fly back tomorrow and the same woman to stay forever. No, we fly back tomorrow. You go back tomorrow. She has stuff she needs to get back to. Yeah, back tomorrow. That's... She has dogs that need their anti-depressants waiting for them.

Very interesting. How long were you guys here for? Since Saturday. Okay. So you came in on Saturday. Literally, you came in hoping to get on Kiltoni. Well, yeah, we hung out. We went to the museum of weird.

Oh, okay. If anyone would like to spend $20, it's a good place to do it. Wow, the rare Jewish wanting to spend money. Oh, Jesus. Amazing. You guys are breaking stereotypes down. What antidepressant are you on?

Well butron. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's hard to come. Yeah. Did you have to stop for... I went off. It was hard to take pills because I was nauseous, but yeah, I need it. I miss my Lexa Pro. Well, welcome you back to the well butron community. Thank you. Did you find that being pregnant made your chemicals like normal?

No. Oh, okay, okay. No. Pulls out a knife slowly. I miss weed a lot, but yeah. Amazing, so much. Yeah, no doubt about it. It'll be soon when's the baby do?

End of March. End of March It's a girl maybe Matilda you can name it Matilda after Matilda Epstein Epstein I don't like that name. Do you like your name? I do. Yeah, it's pretty. It's it's like pretty in an ugly way Which isn't sure I relate I think you should name the baby after her. I think you should name it Epstein Pabitsky. Wow, wow! I'm cold! Someone give me a blanket! Yes, very good.

That is indeed an actual baby cry. I love it. Are you guys have any plans on making children anytime soon? Is you want them to get you pregnant or marry you or anything like that? I just want to make it uncomfortable for a second. I have like $40.

Okay. Wow. Concentrate on stand up. Yeah. You guys are a very, very funny couple. I've run out of big joke books to give out. We don't have any extra anywhere, right? There's not like a different backlog,

but you guys can split this into two pieces. Wow, okay, now we have to get married. There you go. Oh, there you go. Look at that. Catch the big book. Here's another one. You have a second shot at it.

Here's a little one. Boom, there you go. Matilda Epstein and Jack Schwartz, everybody. Thank you guys. A couple. All right. Very special treat for y'all right now. There is a Golden Ticket winner here in Austin, Texas,

that is ready to perform a brand new minute for you. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from one of the great Golden Ticket winners of the history of the show. Make some noise for Martin Phillips, everybody. Here we go. Oh, oh, oh, oh, what's up, hey. Yeah, okay.

I don't like it that they call Big Bird Big Bird. You know, you don't think he's a wayer if he's an abnormally sized bird, you know? You don't think he's seen other birds if they're like, they're like, what the fuck? I'm a monster. Oh my God. It's just, his name is a reminder of the curse. He bears, anyway.

I was at a coffee shop today. I went to the bathroom. They had a sign and said, don't flush anything except toilet paper. I was like, oh man, what am I gonna do with all this shit? Oh my God. Oh, damn. Oh fuck. Damn it.

Oh, damn. Oh, damn. God damn. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it.

I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna, dude. I do spend a lot when I talk about that. That's true. Whatever you call it, you know what I mean?

Well, it's a lot, but... It's not contagious. Yeah. I knew it. What if it was? Yeah. I was like... I was like...

I was like... I was like... I was like... I was like... I was like... Yeah. Bobbing Lee. Or Wobbly Lee, perhaps. Wobbly Lee. All right.

I love it. Martin, you are fucking unbelievable. You know, everybody busts our balls. Oh, the handicapped person, Golden Dickelwinter, and time after time after time. People like you and fucking Jared Nathan and the late great Michael Laird. And the late great Michael Laird. And the late great Michael Laird. And the late great Michael Laird. uh, handicapped person, Golden Deggowinner, and time after time after time.

People like you and fucking Jared Nathan and the late great Michael Lair. You guys are so fucking funny all the time. It's absolutely incredible. What's your writing process? I mean, I'd imagine it's very fucking shit. I don't, I'm digital, I'd imagine it's very fucking shit. I know. I'm digital. I know all my stuff.

I know. I only be able to read it and how you were able to do it. Yeah. You got Siri working overtime for you. Yeah. That's amazing, man. You are so good at stand-up comedy. What else have you been up to?

You've been in Austin now. You live here full-time. You want to have a spot? Yeah, you live here full time? You have a lot of spots? Yeah, I live here full time. I've been around different spots and whatnot. So South Austin represents. Oh yeah. Oh yeah.

Oh yeah. Alpha Congress. Old Torf. Oh shit. Old Torf? Old Torf? Yeah. The 270?

Okay. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Oh shit. Motherfucking old toys. Old toys? The 270? Okay. I love it. I just want to say I've read that sign a thousand million times like don't flush anything besides toilet paper. I've never once has that joke come, like that's so brilliant.

And for it to be something that's so every day and you had this crazy take on it is really impressive. Thanks, yeah, I. Brilliant. Absolutely. I literally, I literally took a huge shit at the end saw it on the side. I was like, oh crap, you know,

so it was inspired by true events. So it was, it did happen. So. So. Martin Phillips, so funny. Now, are you making a full-time living off of stand-up? Not quite yet. You're still substitute teaching? Yeah, I'm still in the schools.

We went out, but I'm getting more gigs out. So hopefully, hopefully, I don't have to fuck with Goldberg, you know? Yeah. And I can get out of there, it'd be done. Where are you originally from again? DC, Virginia. DC, Virginia area. Yeah.

Yeah, we got nothing coming up around there. That's fun. Martin, I think you're so, so talented every single time that you come on. I think you're so, so talented every single time that you come on. I mean, you are unbelievable. What's the longest set you think you can do? Well, I actually, I don't have to plug anything,

but I had the headlighting a few clubs back home in D.C., Baltimore, Virginia, and so on, too. When is that? So that's like, it's like mid-February. So here are the dates, everybody. Yeah. Where can people get tickets for that? Martin Phillips comedy?

If you're on Instagram, it's all like my bio click, link, and what's your Instagram handle? Oh, it's the smart of Phillips comedy. Martin Phillips comedy with two L's. Oh, it's the smart Phillips comedy. My and Philips comedy with two L's. Yes, two L's. Oh, it's too well. So very good. Yeah. You're shaped like an L. So that works. I love it. I love it. Yeah. So now you were that the DC is a political place.

Do you lean to the right? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I think I made that joke before, but it's just so good I can't help myself. Martin, I wanna do more stuff with you in the future, and I also think you're so funny on your feet. No pun intended, but I want you to come do a show here tomorrow that's all improvised. You pull premises out of a bucket. It's called bottom of the barrel. The late show. Yeah, have you done it before? No, I've heard

of it. You're gonna do it tomorrow night, 10.30 at the Muddler's shift. He's on it. Martin Phillips, everybody. It's a lot of work. Unbelievable stuff, Martin. All right, we're going long. This is our final bucket pull of the night.

Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Reed Conklin, everybody. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Reed Conklin. I met a hot girl on 6th Street the other day, and she was like, really into me? So I knew something was up with her. Finally after talking to her for over an hour, I realized that this woman is homeless. So I took her home. What was she gonna say?

No. I'm just mad I didn't notice it sooner. Like I should have seen the signs. I mean she was literally holding a sign. It ended up being some of the best sex I've ever had though, once I got past the smell. She was a freak. This woman put the ho in hobo. And not once did she ask me for change,

but I did on the inside. I now have a UTI. I burned for this woman. I think we could all change, change our view of the homeless and actions speak louder than words. I think we could all change. Change our view of the homeless and actions speak louder than words. So instead of saying fuck the homeless, start fucking the homeless. Thank you.

Alright Reed Conklin, welcome to the show. This is your first time here right? I remember if I've seen you before you look like a giant sperm. You do. I'd remember if I'd seen you before, you look like a giant sperm. You do. You do. You have a long, you have a tiny head for such long arms. You a swimmer? I swim, yes. I bet. You must be unfucking believable.

You're like aerodynamic. Look how long your arms are. It's very bizarre. You know you're strangely built. Thank you. Okay, you're welcome aerodynamic. Look how long your arms are. It's very bizarre. You know you're strangely built. Thank you. OK, you're welcome, Jesus. All right, Reed, how long have you been doing stand-up? Couple years. OK, what do you do for a living?

I'm a traveling street performer. OK, what do you do on the street? So like a circus style show? Juggle. I can juggle. I do like, yeah. Can we get some limes from the service bar? Let's see. Maybe some lemons. Lemons are a little bit easier to see maybe, right? Okay. What are you, what are you fucking, why are you doing

that? Oh, I can juggle. You don't think we would have you juggle on a show that's live? Yep, you're right. For the live fans, you lemons. People trying to, we're trying to squeeze some talent out of you here. What else can you do? You just juggle? I can do a handstand. Let's see a fucking handstand while we're waiting for the lemons. How many do you want to see him do a fucking handstand?

I love it. He pretends like I'm not gonna ask him to do this shit. Whoa! Oh, shit. Okay. Oh, my goodness. Absolutely incredible. Wow. Look at that. A very serious man. Okay, what else do you do in your street performing? Uh, I do a lot of whip cracking these days. Whip cracking? Yeah, yeah.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Whoa, uh, John Dees. Not excited. Whoa. Mike, good room, you know? What are you cracking with these whips? So I can juggle them and crack them at the same time, like three whips, and then there's like two-handed whip cracking and just kind of making beats and stuff.

Okay, put the mic in the mic stand. Give me some juggling music, guys. Here we go. I'm just going to throw you some music guys here we go I'm just gonna throw you some lines here we go you ready alright start juggling and I'll keep throwing them to you you want more oh Oh shit. Oh, whoa. Alright, here, keep juggling. Here's one more. Can you juggle four? Whoa.

Hell yeah, this guy gets all the homeless pussy. You want another one? You got another line? Uh-oh! I've got a hand for Christie, everybody. You got another line here. We got a lot of lines. You'll be amazed with how many lines you can afford with a Spotify deal. Wow, look at that. You can keep those. I don't think we're gonna feed them to people after those fucking homeless people, being a street performer. You get to keep those lines.

Thank you. What else would we be surprised to know about you Reed Conklin? I'm from Key West, Florida. Ah. Ah. Ah. Okay.

What else? What are you fucking Carmen San Diego for? What's going on? Ah, ah, what else? Who are you fucking Carmen San Diego? What's going on? Key West Florida, find it on a map. I've been to 50 countries. Whoa, what's your favorite? I like Thailand. I like, I do like Vietnam.

Oh, okay. Quite a bit. Yeah, why do you like it? It's just, it was beautiful. Everything's kind of easier to get to. It's small, the food's good. People are nice, cheap. $2, sucky sucky.

All right, Red Pan. Red Pan? Yeah, he has it. His soundboard is out of control. What's that one? What's this one? The young... I get the wall. Wow. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. It may not be long time.

Does this remind you of your time in Vietnam at all? They charge me way more than two. Ah. Inflation. Alright, read Conklin. Fun Times. What else? Anything else crazy we'd be surprised to know about you? Well, I'm in Texas kind of performing at a fair, like three hours east, at our Renaissance Festival.

Okay, what are you doing at the Renaissance Festival? Doing my whip cracking show. Wow, what do you dress up like? I kind of wear like a piratey shirt. Yeah, OK. You almost said that you wear like that for a second. It looked like you were going to say. Well, I do wear the pants and then some boots and a piratey

shirt. OK. In a white hood. Yeah. Yeah. There is something scary about you at first, but then when I saw you juggle, now I feel safe. Yeah. I do that before I, now I feel safe. Yeah.

I do that before I talk to every pretty girl. Are you blind? Well, well, well looks like Esther might want the whip cracking. Amazing stuff. Fun set. Here's a little joke book there you go there he goes everybody very funny dude oh put the hoe in hobo the fucking lines did take the lines take the lines that's his lime everybody there. There he goes. All right.

That was Reed Conklin. It's been a fun episode. You guys ready to put a ribbon on this thing? Well, I must warn you, there's only one way to do that, ladies and gentlemen. This man, Hall of Famer, has the record for appearances, the record for interviews.

Some of the most powerful sets in the history of the show. It seems to do it week after week after week. I present to you the Tijuana Tornado, the Sacramento Sultan, the Memphis Strangler, the Buffalo Billionaire, the one, the only, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine, this is William Montgomery. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

British police are investigating the rape of a 15-year-old girl in the metaverse, and I'm just over here trying to figure out how Bill Clinton was able to squeeze his fat ass in there. Uh, an Indian tech CEO just died when the wire holding the cage he was being lowered down on during the opening ceremony snapped, causing him to fall and land on his head. Kind of crazy because you'd have thought his turban would have broken the fall.

Man y'all know I don't like idiot people. Silence is violence. Shit. If that's true, I kind of wish my dad would have just given me the silent treatment instead. Okay, that's my time. Thank you. All right, all right. The great, the powerful. William Montgomery. You know, William, William, we were in Hawaii together. We were not. We were. And dinner together. You took me to dinner.

And you took us to dinner. I, dude, honestly, dude, I'm a huge fan and you're a real gentleman, too. You're a polite guy. And you took us to dinner. Dude, honestly, dude, I'm a huge fan. And you're a real gentleman, too. You're a polite guy. You're very talented. I'm just glad that I was here to witness you live. Yeah, well, it's a pleasure to be witnessing you live right now, Bobby. I mean, it's so nice to see you right now, so...

Yeah, I think that deserves a I think that deserves a hoodie who know y'all started a little too early. Hold on maybe on three one two three know somebody that sounded weird. Maybe on three. Let's try it one more time. One two three who you made the lights go off with that one. Yeah, that was just powerful. The madness fucking right on Q. Wait, dude, could you tell that the lights just flickered a little D-Man as have you been pulling all of our legs?

Okay, that would be that would be a very long played out joke if it was. I've seen, I've seen this guy really commit. It's a real amazing thing. Yeah. Amazing. How about a hand for the great D-Madness?

I'm in a fucking legend. Woo! So what else has been going on, William? I'm gonna be honest with you right now, Tony. You would be horrified if you could have seen me since Friday, a video game that got me back into video games got remastered. It's called The Last of Us Two, Tony.

And I am almost, I've almost been in the game. I've spent 30 hours the past two days. Oh my goodness. Doing that, I'm not even kidding. And I'm almost towards the end. I've spent 30 hours the past two days. Oh my goodness. Doing that, I'm not even kidding. And I'm almost towards the end. So now I'm kind of sad, because it's my birthday on Friday. And I was planning on playing the last of us

to fucking remaster for my birthday, but I've already almost finished this. So Tony, I don't know what I got to do on my birthday this year, but I don't even know, but. But. But. But. Tony, man, I was fucking playing on playing the last of us to remaster. And now I don't even know, man! BOOM! Don't even know if I could play it on playing

the Last of Us 2 remaster, and now I don't even know what I gotta do, man! BOOM! I'm 37 on Friday, Tony, and now I don't have any... BOOM! Wow. Well, what are you gonna do? BOOM!

Shoot. Um... I don't know. Maybe play the Last of Us two a little bit more. I'm gonna be able to save my guns for the next round. So maybe just play that shit again, Tony. And I'm also eating a bunch of Sumo Citrus. I don't know if y'all like Sumo Citrus,

but they are actually my newest sponsor. They're really good. They're cute. Yeah, what is that? It's a citrus fruit. Yeah, right, man. I'm sure you're shaking your head. You fucking nasty, fat-ass. I'm sure you don't know what a fucking fruit is.

You sickening piece of shit. Don't come at me, dumbass! Don't talk to me like that, you bitch! Stop acting. It's not genuine when you do it, you pussy. Whatever. It's not me talking. You smell like fish. It's not fucking genuine. Everybody knows you're acting dumbass. Seriously, stop fucking trying to act tough up here, you dumb to talk about your dumbass mouth are you yelling over him what is fish mouth

me you fucking idiot stop oh my god it's a fish mouth oh that's a good one red band standing up for himself kind of... Every time he talks, it smells like fucking pussy. That's moldy or something. Stop talking. Oh, that's actually funny. Oh, fish mouth. My breast was like pussy. Oh, good one. I get it now, dumbass. Yeah, drink some more, you fucking nasty alcohol. Watch you drink some more soda water, you bitch. Huh?

Huh, huh, huh. I can't even understand. Y'all don't move. Uh-huh. Okay, okay, Redman. I really hope my baby can't hear yet. What does that mean, bitch? Oh.

Her baby has no ears, William. Make fun of me, make fun of me. No ears, William! Make fun of me, make fun of me. I actually, something did happen to me this past week. I went to a place called Sashuwan Garden. I'm sure your people know about that. It's some fucking Asian place. And it was fucking nasty as shit.

So if anybody lives in Austin, Texas, do not go to Sashuwan Garden. Wow. I swear to God, Tony, I get in there. There's only one couple in the entire place. It smells like cleaning supplies right when I get in there. And it gets my better judgment. I got the food.

And it wasn't good. What did you get? What did you order from there? Egg drop soup. It tastes a little too much like eggs for me, Tony. It tastes, I swear to God, the yellow part was like egg yolks or something. So I started off with that. And then I ate this crispy chicken stuff but

it was made it was mainly crispies in the chicken and I like it a little more chickeny I hate all the crispies they put some of the Asian places they put the crispies in there red man I was able to find reviews from this place. Literally this one has 520 likes. It is one star. Probably the most disgusting Chinese food we've eaten in a long time period, and that includes the buffet at LaGuardia Airport. I would actually fly to LaGuardia Airport

just to eat there again. It was so disgusting. Even our dog wouldn't eat it. Oh my God, we went on September second, another review. It's a different review completely with 58 agrees. We went on Saturday, September 2nd, 2023 to try to get something to eat when we open the door, a very strong sewage odor almost made us gag disgusting healthy department should be checking this place. Wow, that's amazing. There was another one star there. Go back to that above that above that above that above that above that. Oh, there's no stars there. Oh my goodness. Somebody left no stars. I didn't even know you could do that

Yeah, and I felt like such an idiot because Tony I get a lot. I love Cabo Bob's I'll get that I've started eating a lot of peteries Tony. I have to be careful. I'm starting to gain weight again I'm starting to get at the mindset where I don't give a fuck anymore. And I mean, I'm about to be 37 in the psychic I've been going to. You told me I'm only living. I'm not living past 40. So Tony, I think I might just start drinking again. I still have the cocaine in my...

Well, let me tell you, William, there's a beautiful woman that just yelled something. Yell it again. Tom, can you say that again? One more time. I can hear you the first time, bitch. Okay. And I just fucking I blocked that out. You stupid bitch. I'm having a pretty good fucking time up here tonight and I swear to God, Tony, I just blocked it out of my stupid, stupid head. I love watching Esther's reaction to the chaos that is William

Montgomery. Just wondering why it's funny that you called a woman a stupid bitch. Yeah, I mean who knocked your ass up bitch. I mean that's what I've been fucking wondering ever since I got up a bitch. It's almost my fucking birthday. What are you gonna do? What are you gonna do for your birthday? Probably never stop playing the last of us two remaster. I'm probably not. I never go to play the... William, you're an absolute god on this show. We fucking love you.

Thanks so much, Tony. Nice to meet you. Make some goddamn noise for the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan J. Beld is in that's showing on your YouTube right now. Guys, Drugstore June out February 23rd in select theaters. Tell them about the movie. I want to say just one quick thing. First of all, Bobby is amazing in the movie. It is about one of my ex-boyfriends. Not one of you guys.

Don't worry, that'll be the next one. But it's a movie that has a lot of comics, podcasters. Miss Pat! Trevor Wallace. Bill Burr, Trevor Wallace! And it's kind of, we made it outside of Hollywood. It's kind of independent. And so we'd love if you'd come out and support it

and all of our friends. You'll recognize, if you're a true comedy fan, you will recognize a lot of people in it and it'll be very fun. I love it. I also want to say, I am so proud of Tony. When I first met him, he did not have a bank account. It's true.

And I dragged him into Chase and they were refusing to give this man a bank account. It's true. And I dragged him into Chase and they were refusing to give this man a bank account. It's true. And I pulled out all my Karen skills and I said, you better give this fucking guy his own bank account because he was cashing his checks at a check cashing place. It's true. Being 10% I drove me crazy. So I'm so proud of him.

I'm so proud of Brian. And now we're millionaires everybody. Isn't that exciting? I'm so proud of him, I'm so proud of Brian. And now we're millionaires, everybody. Isn't that exciting? I'm so proud of you guys. Make some noise for goddamn Esther Pavitsky. Make some noise for Bobby Lee. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, the Peterson brothers, Michael Gonzalez,

Jetsky Johnson's on tour. She's going all around. JetskyJohnson.com for tickets. D-Madness, John Dees, the Mortician, Matt Mueling. How about a hand for yourselves, sir, coming out, huh? You guys blew it through our head. Hey, San Diego, I'll be there in July doing a weekend at theamericaccomedycompany.com

Uh-oh! Raise the ceilings! Red Band's coming to San Diego! And I'm bringing in friends! Uh-oh! There you go! We love you guys! God bless America! And God bless Texas! Shell Blaster, Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Hall of Famous Security Guard Service, Ninja Buses, and Kinect Mobile Health. And a special shout out, make some noise for Waze Dewell, everybody.

The great Denise is here tonight. They keep all your favorite comedians strong and fucking healthy, filled with vitamins. Go to Waze, the number 2well.com to change your goddamn life. They take your blood, they let you know what's up with your body, and they make you stronger.

Good night everybody, thank you, we love you, good night. The entire 600 plus episode back catalog of Kill Tony episodes are now available on the audio feed. So go subscribe to the show on your podcast app of your choice to access these episodes. And follow the podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you listen to podcasts. And like and subscribe on YouTube. Good night, everybody. Thank you, we love you.

If you were gonna give me a consultation for plastic surgery. It's not what I do here. But just if you were, what do you think you would do to my face? I'd probably start with your mouth. A glip filler? No, I would sew that sucker shut.

You would follow your home, you would put with the lights on low, you would die as you knew, you would crazy but you know too, you would fake it. I'm a loser. Your Facebook group is right. I have no life. What did you ever see in this psycho?

One, two, I messed up. I need a coffee break. You haven't even clocked in yet. I haven't been getting paid for any of this. Give me a double macchiato. I brought you some hot chocolate. You're air-rafting my stream. Okay, bye, June Squad. Oh, well thank you, June. What? Ew!

I heard the pharmacy got robbed. What the hell happened in here? What's your name? At Forever June on everything except Snap. At June forever. No, honey, your real life actual name. June. June. This is not a dream. At forever June on everything except snap at June forever. No honey your real life actual name

June June this is not Queen June's private castle June the almighty Oh June No, I got the poor man that ends up with her I Think I'm gonna start doing some investigatory work. Y'all heard anything about pharmacy here, Rob? I don't watch the news. All I do is smoke. Wait! Do you feel safe here?

I'm gonna help you! I'm looking for information. Hey, baby boo. June Squad has a lot of time on their hands. Take it easy. I'll tell you what you want. What are you doing here? I'm collecting evidence.. Take it easy. I'll tell you what you want. Get your hands up with the wall, Tactic! What are you doing here? I'm collecting evidence.

You watched too many movies. You are not a police officer. Help us out here. Ah. God, mug shots are so sexy. Can I take this home? No. Get your hands up with the wall, Tactic!

Get your hands up with the wall, Tactic! Get your hands up with the wall, Tactic! Get your hands up with the wall, Tactic! You got Rob, you got Dutain. This is very serious. Maybe I should bring him in. Which one of you can deputize me? Twice a day with food.

What a cute TikTok bio. I can't make it more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more than more වවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවවව� Thanks for watching!