KILL TONY - #655 - TOM GREEN + ADAM RAY

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Starting point is 00:01:00 we're live from Evan's living room. It looks like Evan is about to purchase tickets to today's match. Kate, the real test is, will he use the BMO Toronto FC Cashback MasterCard? What if he wants to earn cash back on his purchases, he will, and- Oh, hang on.

Starting point is 00:01:12 He's at the computer with his card, and he's done it! Oh, clicky click, magic trick! The click heard around the room. You guys just about finished? Sorry, we got excited. Thanks for snagging those tickets. Make every purchase highlight worthy with the BMO Toronto FC Cashback MasterCard. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to SunsetStripATX.com.

Starting point is 00:01:54 And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, y'all. The LA Forum is right around the corner. And contrary to a lot of people's rumors, there are still tickets available for that. The YouTube theater two days later has sold out. Also, there's still a few tickets available for night one at Madison Square Garden, the two night super mega event, the biggest in KilTonys history travel. Go there. We'll see you there. And I am on tour with standup comedy. Me and some of your favorite cronies from the show do our own standup sets. I'm going to be in Cleveland,

Starting point is 00:02:20 Ohio, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Boston, Massachusetts, Baltimore, Maryland, Salt Lake City, San Jose, Dallas, Houston, Texas, St. Louis, Missouri, Nashville, Tennessee, Fort Lauderdale, and Orlando. And then that is all of the standup on the road I am doing until 2025. I'll be releasing that special just after May. We'll see you guys on the road. Nothing but love. Here is another episode of Kill Tony. kill Tony Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:03:05 Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:03:13 Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:03:21 Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony geared up for Tony Hitchclare! Is this even the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Make some noise for Red Band everybody. Oh my goodness.

Starting point is 00:03:52 Welcome indeed. You made it. You're at Killtony. Hi everybody. This is the number one live podcast in the world brought to you by Gel Blaster, red rose, yellow rose, draft Kings talk space and game time. Uh, how about a hand for the band? Everybody? That's the best goddamn band in the land right there. The kill Tony band. No doubt about it. This is the great Matt mulling here on the electric guitar, John B's on the keys, Michael Gonzalez on the drums,

Starting point is 00:04:31 Carlos Sosa on the horns, Fernando Castillo on the horns, and Raul Vallejo on the horns. I forgot to write it down. It's like a goddamn fucking food truck menu over there. Chicken enchilada on the horns. Carnitas tosada on the trombone. Makes some noise for the great D de madness on the bass guitar ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:05:07 Oh boy, do we have a show for you on this evening before we started. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Music Music Music You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Boy, oh boy, oh boy. Ladies and gentlemen, every single week, some of the funniest people on planet Earth, this is an unbelievable, unbelievable booking.

Starting point is 00:06:30 I present to you one of our favorite comedians, two of our favorite comedians of all time, a guy who basically started this gangster shit, the whole fucking have your own show, sit at a table and fucking you've been watching him for decades and also joining him the 2023 guests of the year. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Tom Green and Adam Ray, Tom Green, Charlie. Woo!

Starting point is 00:07:18 This is Kill Tony. Holy shit. Tom Green in the fucking house. An absolute dream booking. We've been trying to get him for 11 years. Had him booked right before the global pandemic. Unbelievable. Took this long to get him.

Starting point is 00:07:38 And now we got him with little Charlie here. The bum bum song, by the way. That was the bum bum song. That was indeed the bum bum song. What an intro. It is. This is Charlie. Hi Charlie. Charlie's listening to a totally different podcast right now. Charlie's listening to Theo Vaughn right now. Yeah man my principal was a raccoon man. was a raccoon, man. No, he wasn't, Theo. No, he wasn't.

Starting point is 00:08:09 You can tell by that roar of laughter that that is indeed the 2023 guest of the year, Adam Ray, in his natural human form. I love this show. I love Tom Green. I love Ray. This is fucking, this is going to be a great night. This is a dream night, an absolute booking of the ages. We're so absolutely so

Starting point is 00:08:30 pumped to have you guys and we're gonna have a lot of fun. Adam, obviously guest of the year, you know what you're doing. Tom, you might have an idea. I think you've seen the show a few times, but there's a bucket here filled with about 200 human souls that have attempted to get pulled out. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. I'm pre-pulling a name now. We're going to go grab that person from the bar across the street, Poor Choices here on Sixth Street,

Starting point is 00:09:05 an absolutely chaotic street filled with bars, chaos, homeless, shootings, everything you can possibly imagine. It's a lot of fun and... The homeless is getting, I feel like, better or worse in the last... It depends on if you are pro homeless or not. Uh, depends on what you mean by better. Uh, they're different.

Starting point is 00:09:28 It's always a rotating cast of characters out there. There was a guy last night, he came up to me and a couple of fellas and he was like, you guys, can I have a couple of dollars? And I was like, I got you, man. Gave him a five and he goes, I'm going to get pizza with this. And I go, fuck yeah. I think there's a lot of spots open. Came back, no joke, like two minutes later and he goes, you got any pizza for me? And I was like, I thought that's what I gave you the money for. And he goes, fuck yeah, I think there's a lot of spots open. Came back, no joke, like two minutes later, and he goes, you got any pizza for me?

Starting point is 00:09:45 And I was like, I thought that's what I gave you the money for. And he goes, fuck you, man. And then walked away. So I feel like that's funnier, but maybe not better as far as hospitality goes. That was me, by the way. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:57 Yeah. Thank you. Thank you very much. Ooh, it's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. The one and the only. You might recognize her as one of the octagon card girls from our arena shows at the H.E.B. Center. Follow her on Instagram. Gina with three A's dot H.G.

Starting point is 00:10:17 For those of you that like a Wi-Fi password for an Instagram handle, she's got it hard to figure out right now. There's nerds rewinding the podcast at this very moment what the fuck did he say follow her? Three eyes gene. I thought her name was Heidi. Why is that gene? Oh fuck But yeah, that's her she's absolutely unbelievable little something to balance out the Ridiculously meat filled sausage fest that we have on this stage. Daddy, would you like some sausage? Hell yeah, another hit.

Starting point is 00:10:50 I'm doing all the hits tonight. So we have pre-pulled the name. They're going to go wrangle that person. In the meanwhile, I would like to introduce you all to the newest regular on Kill Tony. If you don't know, now you know. Ladies and gentlemen, writing and performing a brand new minute every single week to start the show, I present to you the great and powerful Casey Rocket. I think I just shook my new ring loose. All right.

Starting point is 00:11:48 There we go. Yeah, it's basically been the worst week of my life. My fiance tried to break up with me for drinking too much Robitussin in the bedroom. This ever happen to you boys? Well, you tell me who got the better end of the deal because she married a banker and I can smell ghosts now, so pretty cool. Danny Phantom, all right, very cool, hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:13 I think the Dow Jones just dropped, I gotta go. I gotta, hell yeah, I'm a PR nightmare. God, nights like this, I understand why JFK killed himself, you know what I mean? Nights like this, I understand why JFK killed himself, you know what I mean? I, uh, is that a conspiracy that people think about? That's what I think, yeah, Jackie O in his ear all day,

Starting point is 00:12:32 when are you gonna get a real job? Breathe in, all right, very cool, hell yeah, hell yeah. Cough, cough, cough. Oh. The Dutchman's key Wow, oh My god The one and the only one of a kind get it while it's hot

Starting point is 00:13:04 Casey rocket has arrived to the Kill Tony universe. Oh my goodness. Another amazing performance. Literally one of my favorite things I've ever seen you do. Keeping a key in your mouth throughout your set. Letting it fall out. The Dutchman's Key. Had to hit him with the Dutchman's Key. I thought. Had to. Had to, man. I woke up around 3 p.m. today.

Starting point is 00:13:33 I plugged the key in there just in case so I wouldn't forget. I wanted to be ready. And I've never felt sicker, so I'm excited. Oh yeah, you have lead poisoning for sure. It's a lead key and I've basically been dipping it for several hours. Hopefully it worked, have fun.

Starting point is 00:13:52 Totally original specimen. This is what you get with KC Rocket. Absolute chaos, movement all the time. I like the movement. Yeah. You move around a lot. Thank you. I like the way you move around a lot.

Starting point is 00:14:05 That's cool. Thank you. Famous for the crab walk. We've seen it left to right, measured at unbelievable speeds. We used a baseball radar gun on him. We got him up to 26 miles an hour sideways. No way. That's sideways.

Starting point is 00:14:20 This direction, folks. Not running forward, sideways. On a theater stage. How did the crab, what is the origin of the crab walk? So yeah, so we talked about this last week, and I feel bad, I feel like I misled you. He asked me how did you start being crab man, and innocent enough, and I told him that me and my buddy

Starting point is 00:14:43 drank a bunch of Robitussin, and he turned and we were laughing we're like you look like a crab and that's not exactly true but I can show you I filed a freedom of information request I don't know if you guys are interested in kind of figuring out my story, but oh yeah. Oh yeah. It says Bones Jones Rocket on it. That's a nickname we didn't know about. I filed it under an alias so they wouldn't track me. Yeah, Bones Jones Rocket. My Christian name is, yeah, nobody's,

Starting point is 00:15:20 I didn't think you could read that. So it started on a day like today, Baton Rouge, 1981. A woman. Oh my God. I'll burn through these real quick. A child was born. Okay. A child was born, not just any child, it was me. I was named the youngest catcher in MOB history at three years old.

Starting point is 00:15:55 I had a 40-40 season. Forty home runs, forty stolen bases. There I am, Chicago Cubs. Wow. Yeah, life had never been easier. No baseball glove in that picture. No. I played old school.

Starting point is 00:16:12 My father brought me up, right? Old school baseball. Just a cap and a hand and a hot dog and a cap and a hand and a hot dog. Son, you don't need a glove. There you go, absolutely. But you gotta stop fucking dancing in the outfield. At a 40-40 season, I was an MOB all-star by the age of four, and they treated me not only as a prodigy, but as a monster. They chased me out of town, and me and my dad

Starting point is 00:16:44 starred on Deadliest Catch together for seven seasons. Yep, that's my old man. Garlo Tarlo, he was my father. We loved each other, there's another picture of him. I'm gonna throw that up there. He's pretty fuckin' old. He was 85.

Starting point is 00:17:07 Wow, I can definitely see the resemblance. The baseball cap says it all. He passed me down the hat when I was seven years old. And then tragedy struck. Oh no. He was attacked. By a giant, raving mad crab monster thing. He almost died, but fortunately he was able to fight it off.

Starting point is 00:17:40 That is until he fought it for a little longer. He fought it for a little longer. He fought it for a length of time and... Hard to decide which picture to use during the fight scene. Might as well use them both. He had a GoPro on and for that I'll forever be thankful. He really aged during the fight. Must have lasted a while. He was on Deadliest Catch for nine seasons

Starting point is 00:18:06 and I had CTE I couldn't play ball anymore and tragedy struck he was assassinated by Bobby Moynihan. Oh what an amazing twist. Yeah I wish it didn't happen either, he was my old man. With musical guest, Matas Yahu. They gave him a Viking funeral and they buried him at sea. The most famous Vikings in the world were there. NordVPN, Ava Elfie, Randall Cunningham, and cut to 20 years later I won my first Olympic gold medal in crab freestyle racing. Wow.

Starting point is 00:18:57 700 millimeter, 700 millimeter and I met all my heroes, Nelson Mandela. Wow. Just so you know there's 38 more pictures. And then one day, ladies and gentlemen, I got a package in the mail. My dad had been dead a number of years after he was assassinated by Mr. Moynihan and his ragtag group of miscreants. And I opened the package and sure enough, he never forgot. It was a crab leg.

Starting point is 00:19:25 From the very crab he took down that night on that beach in Panama City. It looks smaller than the ones that... It was a leg that grew a body. And there was no footage we had to draw this one, but I remember looking at that leg and thinking about Garlo and that was my dad's name, Garlo Tarlo, if you remember, from earlier callback and I said, you know what? Maybe being a crab's not such a bad thing after all. Maybe being a crab is more human than being a man. Maybe we're all a little bit of a crab sometimes.

Starting point is 00:20:23 And maybe that's okay. Thank you. Oh my god. Ladies and gentlemen, with an absolute award-winning performance. I mean, you could have won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, a Tony. I think you just did have won an Emmy, a Grammy, an Oscar, a Tony. I think you just did it. I think you got the, what's that called? The EGOT. I think that's the first time anybody's ever heard of it.

Starting point is 00:20:54 I think this is the first time someone's got an EGOT during their performance here on Kill Tony. That's the best crab murder Bobby Moynihan story I've ever heard. Tom Green, what do you think about me? I mean, there's not enough crab stuff going around in comedy right now. Thank you. Thank you for saying that. Like, it's a good angle, because you've got to find an angle.

Starting point is 00:21:16 That's a new angle. No one's touching it. It's funny, your dad actually taught me how to catch crabs too. Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you very much. I love it. Casey, an unbelievable performance to start the show. We fucking love you so much. Thank you. Thank you guys. He's on tour. He's on the road with me with William Montgomery try to follow him. He's hard to track

Starting point is 00:21:49 He moves side to side at an unbelievably fast pace. Thanks. One more time for Casey rocket. Oh My goodness, what a way to start the fucking show Casey is on fire way to start the fucking show. Casey is on fire. Crabs. And now we go to the bucket. You guys know how this works. Anything can happen. We don't know anything about these

Starting point is 00:22:13 people before they get pulled. Anybody has an opportunity. Lower your expectations following that unbelievable performance from Casey Rockett. But who knows this? These bucket pulls could be the future. It's where we found everybody that's ever been on the show.

Starting point is 00:22:28 Here, right now, 60 seconds uninterrupted to your first bucket pull of the night, Brendan Mahaney, everybody. Brendan Mahaney. ["Bring It On"] ["Bring It On"] ["Bring It On"] My truck's been in the shop for the last four weeks. I'm really starting to understand why you people used to hang horse thieves around here.

Starting point is 00:22:53 I mean besides being color on a Tuesday. I mean maybe it wouldn't be so bad if pizza rolls weren't my favorite food. My therapist says my obsession is more like a projection because we have so much in common. Both cheap, fattening, baked at 425. Thanks, Ma. I was recently informed that I look like my Pornhub search history just says Bass Pro Shops. Yeah, I ain't even mad. I mean, I hunt whitetail all year round. I know I got a face for cam even mad. I mean, I hunt whitetail all year round. I know I got a face for camo paint. I mean, God wrote that joke.

Starting point is 00:23:29 I'm just leaning into the punch line. You know what I'm saying? I mean, I will say my love life is a lot like fishing. You can't clean what you can't catch. That's why I took up running. But always catch and release. Always catch and release. Remember, single moms are like hard drugs.

Starting point is 00:23:48 Recreational use only. Do not fuck around and get addicted. They will both fuck your life up. Woo, thanks for the kids. Okay. Brendan Mahaney. Dude. Wow, this is amazing that you're here since I was informed

Starting point is 00:24:06 that you were murdered by Bobby Moynihan. Uh. With musical guest, Matas Yahu. Yeah, you're a Bobby Moynihan character for sure. I love the ponytail. Congratulations on your victory. Thank you. In a fight against a giant crab.

Starting point is 00:24:20 This is amazing to have Casey's father follow him like this back from the grave. This is incredible. Brendan, is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Okay, well, welcome. Did you come straight from the Vietnam War? Or from an Army surplus store? No, I did. I was in the Army 14 years. Let's go, dude. Thank you. Oh, wow. That's a, that's a. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:24:47 Actual man in our audience. That's what I'm talking about. My fucking battle buddy over there. Yeah, absolutely. What did you do in the Army exactly? I was a tanker. Yeah? And then I got sent to Afghanistan

Starting point is 00:24:58 where we don't have any fucking tanks. Right, we tanked pretty hard on stage tonight, so that's the good news. Yeah. So what did you do in Afghanistan Right, we tanked pretty hard on stage tonight, so that's the good news. So, what did you do in Afghanistan if you're a tanker with no tanks? Uh, well, then they sent us to train the police. Oh, no tanks. No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:25:20 Thank you, John Dees. Something's not adding up here. I was actually with Canadians. Yeah, Canadians had tanks over there. Wait, Canadians have a military? Oh yeah. Oh yeah. My dad was in the military.

Starting point is 00:25:36 He was a tanker actually as well. They represent- We only have one tank though. It's a Volkswagen Beetle with a shotgun welded to the roof, okay. How much other, what were your other porn hub searches besides fish stuff? I feel like I'm not the first person to ask you that. I mean, actually yeah you are. What are you really into? In a non-comedy world, what do you actually look up when you're looking at porn?

Starting point is 00:26:05 I'm not sure I want to know, to be honest with you. You do, Tom. I feel like it's going to surprise us. I feel like he's going to shock us right here. What are you into exactly? I mean, I usually just scroll the thumbnails, and by the third scroll, I'm done. Wow.

Starting point is 00:26:20 Somebody call Leonard Skinner, because I think we have a simple man here. Yeah. My goodness. He's not picky. He's not picky. I mean, I spend so much time beating off in portage-ons, I get a stiffy every time somebody crop dust me, man. I mean...

Starting point is 00:26:33 Disgusting. Jesus Christ. Why didn't you do that in your set? I... It's believable. Instead of ending with a PSA about single moms, then being like, Wu-Tang's with the kids. Yeah. Which is not a bad closer, but... Now wait, single moms, you fucked with a PSA about single moms, then being like, Wu-Tang's with the kids. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:45 Which is not a bad closer, but. Now wait, single moms, you fucked with a lot of single moms? Uh, yeah. How many? Uh, two or three. Wow. I didn't, I'm a hard learner. Yeah, I was raised by a single mom,

Starting point is 00:26:57 so I'm just trying to envision if you were in the, you know, if my mom came home and was like, hey, meet this guy. You wanna go fishing? Yeah. Nope, not the way you know, if my mom came home and was like, hey, meet this guy. You wanna go fishing? Yeah. No, not the way you said that. No, not at all. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:27:11 That was the character. But you would say that to the kids? Ah, I mean, I, yeah, I just don't even at this point. But yeah, I try to, you know, involve the kids. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, so Brandon, how long you been doing stand up comedy? About nine months. Where at?

Starting point is 00:27:28 Since I moved here from. All in Austin, Texas? Where'd you move from? Winston-Salem, North Carolina. Uh-oh, OK, you grew tobacco? Actually, I was a physical security technician. What does that mean exactly? Installing key card readers and cameras and stuff like that.

Starting point is 00:27:51 Okay, very good. Thank you, Radban. Thank you so much. That totally made fucking sense. What was that? I didn't recognize that. What was that song that you just played there? I didn't recognize that. So Brendan, what made you want to start stand-up comedy nine months ago? What was that song that you just played there? I didn't recognize that. So Brendan, what made you want to start stand-up comedy nine months ago? How old are you, 51? I just turned 44. Okay.

Starting point is 00:28:14 Yes. My goodness. Wow. Afghanistan did you dirty. Yeah. Good Lord. This man's a hero, by the way. A tankless tanker.

Starting point is 00:28:28 Why does it look like the American flag on your hat is removable? Do you have a flag of a different country underneath or something? It's got the Taliban flag right under it. Is that Velcro? Am I seeing that right? You can take that off if you want. Is there anything underneath? No. Do you have other Velcro things? You can take that off if you want. Is there anything underneath?

Starting point is 00:28:45 No, just Velcro. Do you have other Velcro things? You switch it out sometimes when you're mad at America? No. Turn it upside down? That's not a bad idea. That's not a bad idea. Do you have other Velcro?

Starting point is 00:28:54 Turn it upside down and shit? Sure. Do you have other Velcro replaceables? Yes, yeah. What other types of Velcros do you put on your hat? I have one that is IR reflective, so you can see it when you have your night vision goggles on. I have one that's like-

Starting point is 00:29:08 Red Band's heart is a rock right now. Yeah, dude. It's fucking cool. Wait a second, there was absolute silence in the entire mothership, except Red Band goes, ugh. Yeah. Just-

Starting point is 00:29:18 Finally, another night vision feather. Yeah. Keep in mind, fellas, this guy can murder us with two fingers, so. No doubt about it. Did you ever kill anybody when you were in the army? Yeah. You did? What did you do to do that?

Starting point is 00:29:31 Bore them to death? I'm kidding, I'm kidding. Go ahead, go ahead. Well, the first guy died from an infection, so. Wait, the first guy what? This man is an American hero. Okay. Come on. What did you say the first guy what? This man is an American hero. Okay. Come on.

Starting point is 00:29:46 What did you say the first guy what? He died from an infection. What kind of infection? Well, that's not... So that's how you take out the enemy? You give him an infection? Well... I mean...

Starting point is 00:29:58 Slow burn. I gave him syphilis. We got another one. I snuck into their tent in the middle of the night and jerked off on them. Yeah. Things get wild on a Thursday in Afghanistan. I went to Kandahar, actually.

Starting point is 00:30:13 I did stand up in Kandahar. Were you over there at the time? No, I did see Robin Williams. Okay, well, yeah, that's probably better. Yeah. You got to see Robin Williams? Well, actually, I missed his set, but he saw me, like, crying by the fence and he came off the bus and got a group picture with my team.

Starting point is 00:30:33 Damn, no way. It's like, don't worry, there's more single moms out there. I don't know. Why were you crying by the fence at the time? Well, basically, like, the first thing I saw when we got in country was this banner that said, hey, we got a USO show on this date. And so I knew Robin Williams was going to be there. And that's all I looked forward to all year.

Starting point is 00:30:55 And then that day, we got called across to another province because the chairman of the Joint Chiefs wanted to look at a truck team. Okay, so the reason why you were crying is because you weren't going to get to see Robin Williams? Yeah, we missed it. We got there as the roadies were packing up. But he came over and said hi to you? Yeah, yeah, it was awesome. He got off the bus and he was like, Hey, did you like the show? And I was like, we missed it. He's like, oh shit.

Starting point is 00:31:23 And he like went up and got everybody off the bus and made him take a picture Wow just think if he wouldn't have talked to you he might still be with us right now it was the thing that put him over the edge how do you feel like this went tonight are you have fun up here tonight I had had a good time. I'm glad, you know, I'm looking forward to doing better next time. Absolutely. You're super poised and like comfortable. Like you said, nine months, right?

Starting point is 00:31:53 Yes, sir. Yeah, did you do it in Salem, North Carolina before you came here? I tried. It's a lot of, you know, you show up and they're like, hey, do you know Tony? And like, oh, sorry, this is full kind of stuff, you know? Not you, Tony, I mean, I just meant Tony Robbins.

Starting point is 00:32:08 That's a weird name to use. That's a weird, weird, you could have said any name. Any name. Yeah. Hey, do you know Tony in Red Band? All right, this is a little joke book. Welcome to Stand Up Comedy here at the mothership. Welcome to the Kill Tony world.

Starting point is 00:32:24 A minute from Brendan Mahaney Welcome to Stand Up Comedy here at the Mother Ship. Welcome to the Kill Tony world. A minute from Brendan Mahaney to start the bucket pull portion of the show. Thank you for your service. Do you think seeing a therapist or psychiatrist would be helpful, but you don't have the time to actually find one and meet with them or afford them? Try Talkspace.

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Starting point is 00:33:38 Talkspace is affordable and in-network with most major insurers. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony. To match with a licensed therapist today go to Talkspace.com slash Tony to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show that's Talkspace.com slash Tony. Hey y'all everybody knows I'm a college basketball fanatic and a gambling connoisseur so that's why I've teamed up with DraftKings Sportsbook. Right now, all new customers who bet $5 will get $150 in bonus bets instantly. All you have to do is get off your ass and download the DraftKings app now and sign up using our code KILLTONY.

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Starting point is 00:35:09 That's promo code KILTONI only at DraftKings Sportsbook. We need to start the bucket pole portion of the show. And we go straight to our second bucket pole, just like that. You see how it works. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your next comedian, Robert May, everybody, Robert May.

Starting point is 00:35:29 Here he is. How we doing everybody? Got some exciting news to share. I am happy to announce I am no longer taking the anti-depression medication that the doctor was prescribing to my mom. So that's good. She really needs it right now. I'm gonna be fine. Instead I've been recently taking the stuff from her oncologist. It's way stronger. Feel that

Starting point is 00:35:56 shit in your lymph nodes. You ever booth thyroid meds? We used to call them lymph biscuits. Yeah, a couple Fred heads in here. My mom's cool though. She used to call them wimp biscuits. Yeah, a couple of Fred heads in here. All right. No. My mom's cool though. She used to bum me some of her Adderall when I was like in between scripts or whatever, because she knows I need it. You know, not proud to say that at my age, but I've been taking it every day for nearly

Starting point is 00:36:16 two decades. You know, it is what it is. My mom, on the other hand, my mom is 69 years old and retired. What the fuck do you need at all for mom? You can do laundry harder Because your plants aren't growing any faster one time. I came home this woman was folding the dishes That's my time a good set solid Robert May welcome On the show before negative first time welcome welcome

Starting point is 00:36:44 How long you been on stand-up on Negative. First time. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand up? On and off about a year and a half, two years maybe. Okay, about two years. Guys, what do you think about Robert May? I like that. I wasn't asking you guys. I was asking the esteemed panel here.

Starting point is 00:36:56 Thank you. Adam Ray and Tom Green. Some nice writing there. Good writing. I like that. Very well done. Very well done. I know your mom too, by the way.

Starting point is 00:37:05 She gave him crabs, yeah. That's why she's on antidepressants. Wait, you said on and off stand up, what was causing the breaks? I worked at a comedy club that opened up down the street like two years ago, kinda got into it, fucking bombed right off the bat, took some time, got back into it more intentional now.

Starting point is 00:37:26 So that wrote the folding dishes joke and then was like, I'm ready. That was it. I was like, I got one minute. Yeah. You said you take Adderall yourself? I do. Yeah. Does it help?

Starting point is 00:37:38 It does. I think so. Yeah. With what? Focus. Just about everything. You don't happen to have any on you right now, do you? They emptied our pockets.

Starting point is 00:37:47 Just asking for Tony. Okay. What do you do for work now? I'm in sales. I sell lasers for manufacturing. Wait, lasers? Wow. What the fuck? What do you really do?

Starting point is 00:38:02 Fucking Luke Skywalker and shit. Lasers. What the fuck? Wait, you really do? Fucking Luke Skywalker and shit. Lasers. What the fuck? Wait, what? That's some bullshit. Like the bottom of your can might have a laser mark on it. Can you sell us a laser right now? Can you show us how you would sell us a laser? Oh, I don't know. I might need to buy something. What should I get? Oh, hey, what do you do?

Starting point is 00:38:20 I sell lasers. Wow. Tony. Well, why would I need a laser for? All sorts of things. What kind are you looking for? Something that shoots like a laser. Perfect. I got a deal.

Starting point is 00:38:33 Two for 20. What the fuck is going on? It's 20 grand. That's a good deal. This feels like a video that the fucking fish guy would look up on porno I'm still trying to figure out what the fuck what do you mean lasers? You mean like pink Floyd laser light shell? Lasers oh no like for marking any kind of product like on cans you see a lot of them like your expiration date I water bottles I still don't understand

Starting point is 00:39:03 You mean when you buy something at the checkout at the store? Like a barcode? The barcode laser reader. Not exactly. But like the best buy date. You guys typically aren't my clientele. I don't think anyone likes your fucking attitude right now. No, that's fine.

Starting point is 00:39:22 What do you do for fun, Robert? What else do you do for fun, Robert? What else do you do when you're not doing stand up? Ooh la la. The lovely Heidi, everybody. Ooh, thank you. I would say golf is one of my favorite hobbies. I just got back from Hawaii yesterday.

Starting point is 00:39:38 Five days, played a couple of courses, one course, I don't know why I said couple. One course out there. So I love to golf, I love graphic design also, it's a passion of mine. Oh my goodness gracious, Red Band's heart is a rock again. Interesting, what's your love life like? By the looks of your hair, you fucked right before yourself.

Starting point is 00:39:57 It's going well, I got a girlfriend of two years, we were in Hawaii together. Oh nice. And she thought I was gonna propose the whole time. Oh. No. We did take a helicopter to the top of whole time. Ohhhhh. No. We did take a helicopter to the top of a waterfall. No.

Starting point is 00:40:08 Oh my god. That's on me. Oh yeah. Oh my god. But it was planned a while ago. The whole time you're like, what a great place to get proposed. That's what everyone said. Everyone's like, oh you here for your honeymoon or a special occasion?

Starting point is 00:40:21 I'm like, shut the fuck up, man. Wow. It was Moana Cockbloggers. Did you acknowledge it at all? No, we did the fuck up, man. Wow. That's funny. Those Moana cockboggers. Did you acknowledge it at all? No, we did, yeah. We're very open about it. She knows it's gonna happen, you know. It's gonna happen.

Starting point is 00:40:31 Sometimes soon, but not on top of a helicopter waterfall in Hawaii. When do you think you're gonna do it? Are you just setting her up for complete disappointment? Adam, what do you think? What do you think she's more bummed about? The fact that she didn't get proposed in Hawaii on a helicopter, or the fact that you sell fucking lasers?

Starting point is 00:40:46 Yeah. And can't describe it properly. I mean, wait, so you gotta make pretty good money doing this, right? Well, that's how we got there, yeah, I guess. Let's go. Did you meet her? Okay, so break this down for me.

Starting point is 00:40:55 The first date, you're selling lasers at that time, right? What'd you guys say? No, actually I was working at the comedy club down the street. Okay, great. And so then she was like, you need something more like stable, babe. She does better than I do. What does she do?

Starting point is 00:41:08 She's like an HR business partner for a microchip manufacturer here in Austin. Okay. All right. So she's used to working with Pretty good. Things that are micro. I'd say so. Okay. So when do you, what do you, now that you haven't done it on a waterfall in Hawaii,

Starting point is 00:41:31 when do you think you will? What do you have planned? What do you have up your sleeve? That's a great question. We were thinking about that, or I was thinking about that the entire time. Yeah, she was thinking about it too the entire time. Like how big do you want to go? Or or does she just like just put some flowers out and like just because some girls don't want a big hoopla, right? She'll almost be thrown off if you do that.

Starting point is 00:41:50 She mentioned she wanted it on a Jumbotron. Are you fucking serious? Dude, run for your life, bro. Oh my god. You should have fucking pushed off that helicopter. Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:05 All right. I said maybe an open mic. OK. The jumbo truck. So yeah, so just kind of looking up and like, it'll be you. And then you'll just go, eh, eh? I really can't think of how that would work, honestly. Wow.

Starting point is 00:42:20 Yeah. I mean, you could have Red Band like send a cameo or something. That is true That would be good What's something crazy? We'd be surprised to know about you your entire life your history ever do anything nuts Accomplish anything anything weird special skills or talents anything about you at all? Questions I feel like you can answer yeah I think that I Those are a couple different questions, I feel like. You can answer any of them.

Starting point is 00:42:45 I think that I like graphic design. I mentioned that. I've done it freelance since college, so for 15 years. How about not graphic design? All right. How about something a little more exciting? You ever save somebody's life? You ever almost die?

Starting point is 00:43:00 You ever do anything exciting? Something not in front of a computer screen. Yeah yeah I just joined an adult men's baseball league it's for 30 up your old I think we found out what jumbotron getting proposed on oh my goodness what position you play in this league? Short stop and pitcher. Wow. Okay, what type of heat are we throwing? What do you got about? Low 80s, upper 70s, low 80s.

Starting point is 00:43:33 Wow, that's pretty good. Okay, can you put the mic in the mic stand and show us your pitching? Would love to. Wind up or stretch? Let's do wind up. Okay. I'll give you the baseball announcer, right?

Starting point is 00:43:45 Yeah. What was your first and last name again? Robert May. Robert May on the hill. Two balls, one strike, beating to Brian Redband, who's never swung a bat in his life, but he has taken many swings on the internet. Redband has a turkey leg for a baseball bat. You know, May's waving off a lot of signs.

Starting point is 00:44:02 He also throws lasers. We'll see if he's thinking about it proposing. And here comes the... Whoa! There you go. Red band hits it. Here he goes, Robert May, everybody. Congratulations, Robert.

Starting point is 00:44:16 There's a big joke book. Here he goes, on to the next one. Oh, you know what? We have a special treat for you guys. You guys like special treats? Ladies and gentlemen, you know every once in a while on this show and it's crazy lately we have found out that we have some amazing fans in different parts of the music universe and Here to perform for you ladies and gentlemen right now at this

Starting point is 00:44:47 very moment one of I mean this is an artist that has been around our lives for as far back as I can remember here to perform on kill Tony make some noise for the insane clown posse very own violent Jay everybody. Oh my goodness. Oh shit. Oh hell yes. Wow. Wow. Awesome. Appreciate the applause and all, but it's not like any of y'all ever bought our shit. Quit playing. And that's why I thought about what I want to say out here and I thought, fuck it. I don't give a fuck about any of them thing. Nobody.

Starting point is 00:45:33 I'm going to be personal, very personal with y'all, all right? Because I don't care. I've never had butt sex. No, I'm serious now. I'm a 51 year old man, love sex, never had butt sex with a man, unfortunately, or with a woman. I've always been told my dick was too big and I thought, well that's too shit, but I want to have butt sex too.

Starting point is 00:45:57 I've always been told my dick was too big, but I'm going to tell you this, nowadays I watch Pornhub all day, and that's a lie. That's a fucking lie. My dick is not too big for nothing. My dick is like somewhere between small and medium. And it's crushed down like a fire hydrant. It's like Barney. Fred and Barney, you know, it's like,

Starting point is 00:46:24 if my dick was a man, it'd be Barney. Fred and Barney, you know, it's like, if my dick was a man, it'd be Barney. But, uh, people, you know, I wanted to announce to me, my girlfriend, the other night, just the other night, for real, no bullshit, we got to tip in. That's a big move for me. It boosted me with mad karma. People always ask me about the face paint,

Starting point is 00:46:50 in case you don't notice, I got clown paint on. And people always say, is that fuck up your face? That shit fuck up your face? Shit, you motherfuckers wish you could see how immaculate my face is without the paint. This shit is like wearing, I started wearing it at 19.

Starting point is 00:47:04 Damn near every day of my life. This shit is like wearing, I started wearing it at 19. Damn near every day of my life. This shit is like olive oil, skin creams, like wearing a fucking mud mask. I'm beautiful without it. Like, no for real, I got the body, everything about my body is 51, but my face is 19 years old.

Starting point is 00:47:26 I'm dead serious. Immaculate. And I don't wear my hair like this when I don't have the paint on. My shit is primped, pressed, plucked and fucking curled. Ric Flair! For real, my shit is gorgeous. You know, I'm pretty like Prince. Can't say Prince wasn't pretty.

Starting point is 00:47:49 Prince was fucking damn near hot. I was so sad when Prince died because I always knew if I had to fuck a man like if my life depended on it, it'd be Prince. Or 1983 Michael Jackson with the caramel fucking skin and the gorgeous ass fucking jerry-curl over that sexy eyebrow quit frontin he was perfect but now but now because they're both gone if I had a fucking man it'd be Keanu Reeves no no not because I think he's hot. It just seems like he's so cool and a big hearted guy, he would be real gentle with you and help you through it.

Starting point is 00:48:33 You know what I'm saying? He would be patient with you. You might even spoon afterward, you know what I'm saying? And so that's why he's my choice. Fuck yeah. Violent J. Three minutes and 30 seconds rock solid the whole way through. You ever do stand up before say it again? Have you done stand up comedy before? Fuck no.

Starting point is 00:48:57 Listen, I'm shaking. I'm nervous. I'm gonna tell you why. Perfect. For real. No comedians to me. I always looked at comedians like I could never you why. Perfect. For real. No. Comedians. To me, I always looked at comedians like I could never do that. Two things I know I could never do. Be a comedian or a stripper. For real. Because both take crazy amounts of courage, you know, and confidence.

Starting point is 00:49:19 Mad fucking confidence, you know. Everybody's expecting you to make them laugh, you know what I'm saying? And that shit is scary. You sound like you have a lot of confidence though, the way you talk about your cock. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:49:33 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I'll tell ya. What a cock confidence, yeah. A solid set for, I mean a rock solid set for a first time. I love the self-deprecation.

Starting point is 00:49:47 You made it look like you were bragging about having a big dick. I appreciate that. And then you went small to medium with it, got big laughs, making fun of yourself. I can't wait for Keanu Reeves to see this. Here's my impression of Keanu Reeves and Riley Fulkin. Whoa. and Riley fucking. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:50:01 Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

Starting point is 00:50:05 Ha. Now, you brought up the butt sexing right out of the gate. How did you decide that to be the opening joke? It's true. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. And you know, I didn't realize I was actually

Starting point is 00:50:21 going to do a set. You know what I'm saying? And we talked about it. I was going to talk about it when I went to Skankfest. But then I was actually gonna do a set. You know what I'm saying? And we talked about, I was gonna talk about when I'm with the Skank Fest. But then I was like, fuck that, I'm gonna try and think of some funny shit. You know what I mean? And that was the shit, that was a great experience, man!

Starting point is 00:50:35 You did good, man. You did good. Fuck yeah, kill Tony all day, I'm proud to be here, yeah! Fuck yeah. That's a great example to people that come up here, because sometimes people come up and they're either not prepared or they just fucking bail on themselves. But even though you didn't have a full game plan,

Starting point is 00:50:51 you fucking went for it, dude. Hell yeah! Yeah, big deal. I'm Gorilla! I got to do the Legion of Skanks podcast at Skank Fest with Violent J and Roseanne Barr, and it was one of the most fun wildest shows I've ever done in my entire life. That's the best Mary Fuck Kill I've ever heard of. It really was.

Starting point is 00:51:10 I've done stand-up at the Juggalo Fest once too. That was a good gig. Oh yeah. And they're very similar. Yeah, what's up fam? My girlfriend, my girlfriend, my girlfriend, I'm a Juggalo. My girlfriend had told me like three weeks before that event, I had a dream you're going to be on stage with Roseanne Barr and I was like what the fuck it was funny I'm making fun of her and then three weeks later we fly out there no sleep, no sleep we played Seattle the night before, had the flight was like four in the morning you know we just, all I did was add a bag of mushrooms, some kid slapped in my hand on the way out of the show.

Starting point is 00:51:51 And I was such in a bad mood, I was like, why did I agree to come to this? I don't even know what it is. I have no idea what I'm walking into. I ate those mushrooms, jumped in the car, I'm like, let's go. Oh yeah. Can you imagine being the driver with you on mushrooms looking like that take me to the fucking Roseanne

Starting point is 00:52:10 Bars house I need somebody in the ass tonight no I had no idea Roseanne I had no idea nothing right I didn't know nothing I thought I'm not gonna lie I did I did. I did fuck who's podcast and he's the one invited me. Yeah, it is J. Gomez. Yeah, and I didn't know. I thought it was gonna be a podcast. Yeah, I didn't even know it's gonna be in front of a crowd right and it was. It was in front of a car and one of the things that I remember very clearly big, giant, huge crowd were podcasting. He is truly on a unbelievable amount of mushrooms. You know, it's kind of like a podcast thing when people don't have

Starting point is 00:52:50 much to talk about. Sometimes people will do mushrooms and it'll be a running joke like eyes on mushrooms. Ha he's imagining this or that he was on fucking a shit ton right legit mushrooms. All the signs are like sometimes he would just fade out and like come back from a daydream. He was deep in mushrooms. No, and about two hours in, let me just tell this real quick about two hours in, Louis J Gomez is like, you know, I'm just so happy to be able to have this festival, have people like Tony Roseanne, Violent J. I mean, look, Dr. Drew sitting in the third row. This is like two hours into the podcast and Violent J goes, holy

Starting point is 00:53:22 fucking shit, that is Dr. True. He had noticed and he said, you can't just have Dr. Do be sitting in the fun crowd like it in a fucking pink and green flashing elephant. It's doctor fucking drusit and it was so blatantly Dr. Drew like sitting right there just couldn't be anybody else man. That fucking thing was so much fun. I Couldn't be anybody else. Man, that fucking thing was so much fun. I was standing in the crowd watching, right? And I forgot I was even a part of it. I'm not lying, the mushrooms were all kicking in

Starting point is 00:53:53 at this point. And when we got there, we finally started walking. It was getting more and more crowded. You could start smelling weed everywhere. And you're in a beautiful fucking venue. You know what I mean? Everybody's drinking. It's like 1 p.m.

Starting point is 00:54:06 And then we turn the corner and there's a boxing ring with two chicks and thongs fighting. And like a thousand people watching, right then I'm like, whoa, this is dope. Oh yeah. I like that story better than the fucking Prince in the Ass one. Ah!

Starting point is 00:54:22 Hell yeah. I mean they were both good though. Yeah, if something ever happens to me, you gotta do my audio book. Fuck yeah! Like the autobiography. This motherfucker! Ha ha ha!

Starting point is 00:54:34 Play Wolverine at Universal Studios Hollywood! It is incredible, Violin Jay. You are a very, very amazing performer. The Juggalo gathering is happening again. Whoop whoop! You are an incredible violin, Jay. You are a very, very amazing performer. The Juggalo Gathering is happening again. Whoop, whoop. They took us around, sell JuggaloGathering.com, the festival of... Whoop, whoop.

Starting point is 00:54:53 What are you supposed to do? The Juggalos. Whoop, whoop. Yeah, what's up fam? What's up? Where is that festival? Where does that take place? Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:55:01 Is it always somewhere different? Yeah, I know you guys do it every year. That's a lot of mushrooms. The gathering of the... The gathering is like in India, I believe. I went to the one in Cave and Rock, Illinois. It was in Cave and Rock. We moved it to Illinois. What a night. It was a... Ohio! No, it's in Ohio. It was a star-studded event. Teela Tequila was there.

Starting point is 00:55:19 Ron Jeremy. It was just... Method Man was there. Method Man was there. I never liked Ron Jeremy. How come? I never even put that, I'm gonna make this quick, real quick thing. I always didn't like him. Every time I went to LA, Ron Jeremy and his stank ass breath.

Starting point is 00:55:34 Anywhere, anywhere. And I just was like, back off me, man. I told him that. I never liked that fool. Yeah. I didn't mean to bring up a sore subject. Oh, oh, oh, by the way, you're right. No, no, no, you're right.

Starting point is 00:55:47 He did come to the gathering. And the next year, during the gathering, we were hearing complaints, and we kicked him the fuck out. Oh, wow. Straight up. Straight up, he never even performed. Look at that. Gallagher was there.

Starting point is 00:56:00 He's like, he didn't get stomped. We're from old school gangsters. Oh, yeah. Bro, how many people have you? But we knew he didn't get stomped. We're from, you know, we're old school gangsters. Oh yeah. Bro, how many people have you? We knew we didn't have any money, you know? It's not like you could sue us. Right, yeah, exactly. How many people do you think have like refused

Starting point is 00:56:15 a meet and greet with Ron Jeremy because they're like, dude, I hear his breath smells like fucking diarrhea, man. Yeah, I think anybody that wants to meet Ron Jeremy is gonna go along for the ride. I don't think the breath is a deal breaker on that, but yeah, if you get close enough, I guess you know. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:56:32 Violin J, an unbelievable performer. Thank you so much for coming out, man. So cool. Thank you all very much. Thank you for listening. So much fun. JuggaloGathering.com brought us an amazing bottle of champagne. What's that champagne called, Violin J?

Starting point is 00:56:50 Oh, he's gone. All right. All right, made it. Pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Scott Pot, everybody. Here's Scott Pot. Here's Scott Pot. ["Skott Pot"] ["Skott Pot"]

Starting point is 00:57:09 This is awkward. They took my smoke bombs. I thought this was gonna be like a kill Tony, where we try to kill Tony. Turns out we just talk him into suicide. I did some more research though. Turns out he's gay so my plan is to seduce him and then fuck him to death. My only concern is my dick isn't big enough. Might be a little bit too loose down there, Tony. My backup plan?

Starting point is 00:57:47 Choke him to death with it. They call me the nine inch nailer at work. It's only eight and a half, but close enough. Fuck him, and it is really long. Another one? I'm from, I'm from Potland, Oigan. Can't say the hard R. There we go.

Starting point is 00:58:16 Well, well, well, Scott Pot, look at this. I always love it when a YouTube commenter tries standup for the first time. This is great. Love it. Not as easy as it looks, huh, troll boy? First time. I know, I, troll boy? First time. I know, I know it's your first time. You're unbelievably terrible.

Starting point is 00:58:29 Everything you thought was going to go good was bad. Yeah. Do you have like a Reddit handle and a troll account online? I'm getting a real troll vibe here, because you thought you were gonna come in and just fucking kill the host. I'm gonna go in, I'm gonna take over,

Starting point is 00:58:44 joke about fucking him to get death in his loose asshole and just dead fucking silence. I could hear Violin J breathing on his way up the stairs. I mean, absolutely fucking god awful terrible. I can't imagine it going any worse, but you came in with an unbelievable amount of almost confidence, but not really, but you just thought you were gonna do something special here.

Starting point is 00:59:09 How did you think that was going to go, Scott Pot? A little better than that. Yeah, I bet you fucking fuck. Um... So, how old are you, Scott? Time to start answering questions now. Let me guess, you didn't like it very much. How old are you, Scott? I'm 27.

Starting point is 00:59:28 What do you do for work, Scott Pot? I am a carpenter, I do construction. Oh, good job. Water damage restoration, it's, it's, It looks like God is fucking you to death, huh? He was also a carpenter. He died at 28, so fingers crossed. I think he died at 28, maybe 26, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:59:50 33. One of those clubs. Scott, what do you do for fun? Tell us about your life. You've never done stand-up before, nothing to talk about there. I smoke weed, play frisbee golf, I fish, hike. That sounds about right. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:06 Yeah, tell us more. What else, dude? Come on, here you are. I've smoked weed with this guy in Portland. Really? Several times. Yeah. Nice.

Starting point is 01:00:16 How? How's that possible? That sounds like it must have been a lot of fun. We ran into you, we together ran into you on the street today, actually. You were walking down the street. Oh my God, was this the guy that you were talking about? This is the guy, you were talking about?

Starting point is 01:00:25 Holy fucking shit! We ran into Scott and then Scott by the way I had no idea those jokes were in your brain so They literally told me this story about a crazy guy that they ran into while going to lunch today and somehow out of 200 fucking people you got pulled out of this bucket just to let you know we had a laugh about you earlier Scott you made an impression so Scott so we were talking about you before the show Scott has I've seen him at a few of my Portland shows very pleasant smoke some pot and then I am outside with Tom and I are getting lunch and Scott's like I just flew here I'm signing up to get pulled into the bucket. I was like, dude, best of luck.

Starting point is 01:01:05 And then two minutes later, Scott runs in front of Tom and I goes, I swear to God, I'm not stalking you guys, but what's up? Remember to say that? I said, I'm not stalking you, I'm going to the pot shop. Yeah. All right. Oh.

Starting point is 01:01:22 Completely different. The old Texas pot shop. Scott, I didn't know you didn't stand up though. I said it quite loudly too. All right. Wow. Completely different. The old Texas pot shop. Scott, I didn't know you did stand up though. I said it quite loudly too. I don't think you're supposed to do that in Texas. First time. Yeah. So this is your first time doing stand up?

Starting point is 01:01:33 Yeah. Wow. All right. Now what do we do? Obviously. Were you planning on doing this? Was this something that you were gonna do before you came across them earlier on the streets?

Starting point is 01:01:44 Or did you see them and you're like, maybe this is a sign, I should sign up. No, I flew in just to sign up. You flew in here to do that set. Something like that, yeah. Did you prepare anything else? You just thought you were gonna come on and the beloved host of the show,

Starting point is 01:01:59 you were gonna make jokes about fucking to death and then the crowd was going to go wild at you, a complete stranger with no confidence or swagger, taking shots at the person who they love week after week, two hours at a pop, giving them unbelievable free content from the future and the present, finding talent time after time, week after week, taking his own energy to book the best possible guests

Starting point is 01:02:30 at the right times, at the right places with certain things spaced out in a timely fashion, leading up to sold out arenas all across America. Clearly you didn't think it through. Little too much pot, Scott. Yeah. Still takes a lot of courage though to try anyway. To fly down and try. To fly in and do that.

Starting point is 01:02:56 It takes a lot of courage to do what you did up here, buddy. Liquid courage. Still, you're still on the show. That's pretty impressive. Did you have jokes that weren't directed towards like Tony and his ass and suicide? Like jokes, like, cause that was weird. Yeah, I ran some stuff by my friend

Starting point is 01:03:14 and he told me to do the stuff about fucking Tony. Is he really your friend if he told you to do that? Apparently not. You sure he's your friend? Where did you meet this friend? Elementary school. Wow, and he watches the show every week? Not every week, but he's a fan. What grade is your friend? Where did you meet this friend? Elementary school. Wow. And he watches the show every week? Not every week, but he's a fan.

Starting point is 01:03:28 What grade is he in? Yeah. He's still in elementary school. Red band. It's kind of... We'll be right back. Sorry, it was too perfect. Wow. What grade is he in? A fourth grader told him,

Starting point is 01:04:05 make fun of his asshole, Scott. I've never seen the show, my mom restricts my YouTube, but do it. Oh my goodness. Scott, Scott, Scott. You know, Bones Eye earlier, who makes all these joke books, he makes so much great shit. The key chains, all this stuff, you know, Bones Eye earlier, who makes all these joke books. He makes so much great shit.

Starting point is 01:04:26 The key chains, all this stuff. You know, all the little joke books that say like, it's funny stuff on the back. They have WTF with dead eyes and go home on the back of the little joke books. And earlier in the green room, he said, you know, I have this one. I don't know if you want to do anything with it,

Starting point is 01:04:44 but it's a joke book. In case you come across a hairy situation, it's a joke book made out of hair. Oh. And guess what my friend, this is the hairy situation we were looking for. Scott Pog, get the fuck outta here. All right man.

Starting point is 01:05:00 There he goes. There he goes. A hairy situation indeed. Follow Bones Eye on social media. Bones with a Z I. All one word. Hello there. This podcast is brought to you by Game Time. Look, the current ticket buying experience is hell on earth.

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Starting point is 01:06:56 Last minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed. Here come the carrots making their way upfield, followed by the whole wheat bread. Over to the two dozen eggs! Sir, do you do this every time? Sorry, I've been a little excited ever since I got this BMO Toronto FC Cashback Mastercard. Oh, and the broccoli boots it over the line! What a goal!

Starting point is 01:07:18 How would you like to pay, sir? Credit please. Make every purchase a win with the BMMo Toronto FC Cashback MasterCard with up to 5% cash back on your purchases in your first three months. Terms and conditions apply. You know, we need to cleanse our palate after Scott Pot was just up here. So why not bring up one of our most esteemed regulars of all time? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from a force of nature that we call Cam Patterson, everybody. What's up white bitch?

Starting point is 01:08:12 You ever pre-came on yourself sir? You ever pre-ejaculate on yourself? I did a lot when I was 17. It was weird cause I would ask my dad, be like, hey pops, I keep coming on myself, what do I do? He was like, nigga, that's gay. That's gay as hell. And I was like, how is that gay?

Starting point is 01:08:29 He's like, you got nut on your skin, that's gay. That's gay as hell. And I've been, it was weird cause I was fucking the same girl. You're like, right as hell, god damn. I was fucking the same girl, I lost my virginity too and I just kept nutting on myself. And I think my nigga was just like,

Starting point is 01:08:43 she too much for us now. We can't dick was just like, she too much for us now. We can't do it no more, she too much for us. And I just kept coming on myself. I remember the last time I was fuckin' with her, I had my dick out and I was ready to fuck, I was ready to go, and I felt myself finna cum. And I asked her to suck my dick, I went here with a sneaker tag, you feel what I'm sayin'?

Starting point is 01:09:04 I like, just suck it real quick. And she was like, you don't with a sneak attack, you feel what I'm saying? I like, just suck it real quick. And she was like, you don't need me to do that. And then I nut it. And it was weird cause she threw me a rag and she was like, clean yourself you whore. And I was like, I feel like a real dirty slut just then. That was crazy.

Starting point is 01:09:21 That's all I got right now, but I will read you all one of my thoughts I wrote down earlier today. I wrote this down on my phone. I saw a lady with a scarf and I just went, bitch, your neck ain't that cold. A little poetry from the great Cam Patterson. He's done it again, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:09:45 Welcome back to the show cam. That was something. I'll tell you that, man. It was hard. It was tough. That's some good stuff, for sure. Following Scott Pot, that was an unbelievable performance. That nigga was horrible.

Starting point is 01:09:56 That nigga was terrible. He was god awful, dog. Yeah. He was all kinds of bad. You came out with a blind stick and sunglasses. What made you do that? I just seen his stick and was like, I'ma take it. Fuck it.

Starting point is 01:10:08 Okay, all right. He not gonna see me do it. See what I mean? Yeah. It's true. I realized when I turned around. That was worth it. You might want to give it back to him.

Starting point is 01:10:20 He don't really need it. I just got to watch D Madness realize what was happening at the beginning of the set. See, I already asked you before. I did. Okay. It worked out. All right.

Starting point is 01:10:34 Okay, I love it. Cam, what else is going on in the world? Shit, nothing, just running around on the road, you know what I'm saying, hanging out. I love it. Where'd you see a lady with a scarf earlier? It's a warm day today. Oh, it's not a day.

Starting point is 01:10:44 It was in, we was in, we was in like Portland or some shit. Yeah. And I see a lady with a scarf earlier? It's a warm day today. Oh, it's not a day. It was in, we was in Portland or some shit. Yeah. And I seen a lady with a scarf. That bitch, her neck couldn't have been that cold. Right. I hate scars. Scars are fucking stupid. They are. Scars are pretty dumb.

Starting point is 01:10:55 You know what I'm saying? Yeah. Like you get a turtleneck or something. That's, scars are dumb as shit, bro. I love a good turtleneck. Yeah, turtleneck's cool. You feel me? How many thoughts like that do you have written down?

Starting point is 01:11:07 Like, I would have listened to at least 20 more of those with some salt piano. Yeah. I got a lot of random ass thoughts. I got scarf material coming around. Like, talking about scarves. Yeah, we need more of that. We need more of that shit.

Starting point is 01:11:18 But you have other things written down, like, I saw this bitch at Pandex, man, she's getting double chicken. Bitch, you don't need that. Yeah. You already fit, bitch. You don't need no fucking double chicken, bitch. You do have the kind of cadence where you can pretty much say anything, and it's funny.

Starting point is 01:11:31 Yeah, that shit, yeah. That could be your, you might be a redneck, like, bitch, you don't need that. Ha ha ha ha. That could be hard. Oh my god. He's like a new weight loss coach. Yeah, I saw an old lady at the grocery store

Starting point is 01:11:46 buying tampons. I'm like, bitch, you don't need that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You're 83, bitch. Yeah. I saw an old nigga buying condoms. Bitch, you don't nut no more, nigga. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:59 You don't nut, no, well, I can't say it. But that's a good catchphrase too. You don't nut no more, yeah, yeah, yeah, nigga. Yeah, I like that, that's my favorite. Yeah, yeah. It's a good word, man. Y'all can't use it, but fuck y'all, you understand? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:16 You don't nut no more, my friend. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Buddy, old pal. And I wish you well. I love it. Cam, we just did what? Cleveland and Pittsburgh together? Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:32 We had fun. Ate pizza and ice cream at my mom's place. Your dad was there. We roasted your dad's feet all weekend. Worth feeding the game, man. Cam's dad likes to wear sandals. And he has, how would you describe your father's feet exactly? Slave toes.

Starting point is 01:12:46 Yeah, slave toes. If I had to put it in perspective, yeah. Aren't they playing Coachella this year? My dad got some funky ass toes, he puts on socks, I'm like, bitch you don't need those! How did he develop such bad feet? Oh no, bro, I got them too, I got bad, I got them too. He gave them to me. He got like, real talons, nigga.

Starting point is 01:13:16 That's what I talked to, his mom was on speakerphone before one of the shows, I said hi, we're good friends, they're on the road sometimes with us hanging out selling rocks and whatnot Actual rocks literal rocks his merchandise businesses. I actually am rocking the new Cam Patterson In the homage of almost a no-limit soldier style shirt Was that a cam Pattercom? Yes, sir. With a K, Cam Patterson. And you can buy those, the blind, the walking sticks too. I'm also selling D's walking stick.

Starting point is 01:13:52 Bitch, you don't need those. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Cam. Get some scarves on there, maybe. I need to get some scarves on there too. Some scarves on there. You can get on every one of them. Yeah. That'd be a good seller. That'd be a good business. Netting on scarves on there too. Some scarves on there. You can nut on every one of them. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:05 That'd be a good seller. That'd be a good business. Nutting on scarves? Yeah. Would you buy a scarf I nutted on, sir? Yeah, would you buy a scarf that he nutted on, sir? It's funnier the way you say it, I think. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:18 He look. Yeah. Had you been to Pittsburgh and Cleveland before? You've gone to all these new cities, right? That was my first time there, yeah. Let's go. That shit was fun. What'd you think?

Starting point is 01:14:28 It was cool. Pittsburgh was, the theater we was at was from 1898. Oh shit. That's crazy, dog. And it was me and Jale back to back. So I know the ghosts in that motherfucker were mad as hell. Who let these niggas in here, dog? What the fuck? Who let these niggas in here, dog?

Starting point is 01:14:46 What the fuck? What type of shit is this? Boo! Boo! Hahaha. Hahaha. Alright. Cam, you're a fucking superstar. Anything else you want to say before you get out of here?

Starting point is 01:15:00 Oh, shit. Nah, man, I'm having, this is the best time of my life. I'm having a good time, man. Hell yeah. Weird, too. We're loving it. Hell yeah, shit. Nah, man, I'm having this is the best time of my life. I'm having a good time, man. Hell yeah. We are too. We're loving it. Hell yeah, man. Cold-blooded assassin, Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:15:13 There he goes. Killing it on the road. I mean, literally getting blatantly better every week, and he just laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh, laugh. It's crazy. Got to see him live to understand. All right, pulling another name out of the bucket. Anything can happen.

Starting point is 01:15:29 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Brian Lumbra, everybody. Back to the bucket with Brian Lumbra. Here we go. ["The Bachelorette"] ["The Bachelorette"] ["The Bachelorette"] ["The Bachelorette"] ["The Bachelorette"]

Starting point is 01:15:40 ["The Bachelorette"] ["The Bachelorette"] ["The Bachelorette"] I got scanned on Instagram recently. This guy from Gambia messaged me. Him and his siblings were starving. Him and his siblings were starving. Great, fantastic, here we go. Of course I was gonna fucking blank out with the fucking thing. I've been fucking staring at the notes outside. Okay.

Starting point is 01:16:09 No, look. So he's... This guy from Gambia fucking messaged me. He keeps fucking messaging me. He calls me all the fucking time. I sent him money once. I sent him money twice. It's always an emergency.

Starting point is 01:16:22 My phone is 901 for Gambia. It's fucking driving me crazy. I'm jer money twice. There's always an emergency. My phone is 901 for Gambia. It's fucking driving me crazy. I'm jerking off, Gambia's calling. I'm jerking off again, Gambia's calling. I'm jerking off again, I'm just like, fuck. Two weeks ago I spent $150 on malaria pills. And I was like, that's it. This has got to stop.

Starting point is 01:16:47 And he, I said, that's it. This has got to stop. Yes, it does got to stop right there. Brian Lumbre. Wow. All right. Shut up, hold on. Bring back Scott Potts. No, no, fuck dude, we've all been there.

Starting point is 01:17:17 Gambia, okay. You're really stuck on the Gambia thing. Is anything that you were trying to talk about real or true? It's all true. Really? It gets cra gets it gets crazier too. Yeah okay what happened? Why don't you just tell us in real life like in real like we're just humans talking. So I heard you've been getting scammed lately. What's going on? Well I don't... I'm kind of going back and forth whether it's a scam or not but it's always an emergency right and I just keep giving this guy money is that really happening oh it is

Starting point is 01:17:47 and and you're giving somebody money well it's like I facetime him he's real no shit so yeah robots are like this like he's just the student Africa and he has like he lives in the shack. Should we call him right now? They have no food. No, no. No. No. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Freeze it, motherfucker!

Starting point is 01:18:10 No. No. No. No. You just let some lady in the audience suggest a segment of the show at him? You bought these malaria pills? Bitch, you don't need those.

Starting point is 01:18:24 You've been FaceTiming with a man in Gambia, West Africa. I mean, there's not that much FaceTiming, but I needed to see if he was real, because I could give him money, because his story's good. This is why telemarketing works. Right here. How much money have you given him? Today I sent another 150 because he sent me a death certificate. Damn.

Starting point is 01:18:47 Nice. Are you fucking stupid? Yeah. What do you do for work? It's possible, he might be. I quit my job. I guess I'm doing Uber. You're unemployed sending money to Gambia.

Starting point is 01:18:59 Yeah, I gotta stop doing that. Yeah. Dude, are you okay? That's exactly what I'm doing. Not really. What's going on I'm doing. Dude, are you okay? Not really. Yeah. What's going on? Fucking Gambia, dude.

Starting point is 01:19:08 Okay, other than Gambia, let's take Gambia out of the equation here. You have head trauma of some kind? I was actually dropped in my head as a child. There we go. I think I'm fine. We're getting closer. Where are you from?

Starting point is 01:19:21 El Paso. What did you use? There you go, there's the answer. All right, there it is. That answer's everything. El Paso. What did you use? There you go. There's the answer. All right. There it is. That answers everything. El Paso, not a real place at all.

Starting point is 01:19:30 You're literally the first white person I've ever met from El Paso. Congratulations. You win a hairy joke book. You said you drove Uber or you drive currently? I've done seven rides, so I mean, I guess. Keep at it. Yeah. Uber or you drive currently? I've done seven rides, so I mean, I guess. Keep at it. No, I feel like, you know, you just really work hard enough.

Starting point is 01:19:50 It'll kick off. One day, yeah. Uber drivers are known for being sometimes overly chatty. Have you brought up the Gambia story to your passengers? I guarantee yes, here. Not yet. I'm going to, though. Do you do Uber like you do stand up, no GPS whatsoever, and you just go, man, what was the route I was going to though. Do you do Uber like you do stand-up, no GPS whatsoever,

Starting point is 01:20:06 and you just go, man, what was the route I was gonna take again? I get lost a lot. That does happen, actually. Have you done stand-up before? I've been doing it for two weeks now. Two weeks, so how many times have you been on stage in two weeks?

Starting point is 01:20:21 Three. And how does that go for you? Do you tell the Gambia story? This is the first time. That you've told the Gambia story. What how does that go for you? Do you tell the Gambia story? This is the first time. Yeah. That you've told the Gambia story? Yeah. What do you do the other sets?

Starting point is 01:20:29 What have you talked about the other times that you've done standup? Squirting. What? Squirting? Yeah. Okay, sure. What's that stupid ass joke?

Starting point is 01:20:39 Let's hear that. We gotta hear this, dude. What the fuck? From Gambia to Squirting, your memoir title for sure. I'd read that. Yeah, what's a squirting joke, please? Basically, like, I made this girl squirt and I thought I was special.

Starting point is 01:20:59 I like, I read some stuff and then we changed the sheets and like, there was more stains than the one I just made and I was like I'm not that fucking special this is kind of fucked up and I looked at sporting differently that was a good you don't need that yeah okay you got to start with a premise that people would believe yeah yeah I mean very funny but also yeah I mean, very funny, but also, yeah. I mean, yeah. Brian Lumber, you have any special skills or talents? Anything at all?

Starting point is 01:21:29 I played guitar a little bit, but yeah. Yeah, I don't. All right, here's a little joke book. Right here, buddy. There you go. Brian Lumber, everybody. Absolutely terrible. People watching the show, prepare for it.

Starting point is 01:21:43 My God. Memorize. It's a fucking minute. There are hundreds of people, some of them have talent that want to get on this show. Please, for the love of God, prepare. Dude, in 10 years, we're going to see a special live from Gambia, from him. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:58 And we're all going to watch it. It's going to be 90 minutes of, so I made all these girls square last week? Ooh, ah, ah, ah ah ah ah ah ah ah. Hilarious. Fuck. I'm sure he inspired a lot of your viewers out there though because it makes them believe that it is possible

Starting point is 01:22:12 to get on the show. Yeah. Yeah. No, it is true. Tonight is proof that anybody can sign up and get pulled out of the bucket. Anybody. Let's see what happens next.

Starting point is 01:22:20 60 seconds uninterrupted for bucket pull. Jordan Brady, everybody. Jordan Brady is next. We're moving through it tonight. Howdy, how's it going guys? How's it going? Yeah, I saw a guy outside earlier looked just like the singer Green Day. I was like, hey Billy Joe, what's up man? He was like, what? I was like Billy Green Day big fan

Starting point is 01:22:45 He was like no no, I mean I was like, right. Are you sure man? You look just like him And he was like, no, dude. I'm sorry. I was like, dude. You're wearing a Green Day t-shirt And he goes look man. I'm a level with you. I'm homeless. I Found the shirt in the dumpster. I don't even know this man I'm just trying to stay warm. All right? I said, my mistake, man. So I started walking off, and he was like, wait, one more thing.

Starting point is 01:23:09 I said, what's that? And he pointed a cup towards me, and he said, do you have a dime? I said, Billy Joe. It was him. At least I think it was him. He did smell like Dookie. I used to think that homeless people were just folks on strike against bathing with their signs and what not.

Starting point is 01:23:33 Isn't tea just coffee on this period? With that string and what not? Alright, that's my time guys. I'm Jordan Brady, thank you very much. Jordan Brady. With a good dismount. That's my time, I'm Jordan Brady, thank you very much. Jordan Brady. With a good dismount. That's my time. I'm Jordan Brady, thank you very much.

Starting point is 01:23:48 Thank you. That was a good thing. You have blue, purple lips or something. What is going on there? Is that natural? I don't know. You don't know? Might want to get that checked.

Starting point is 01:24:00 I'm Cajun? Sorry, I don't know. You've never been told or noticed that you have slightly darker lips? The drinks might have been blue in shade over there. The specials might have been blue at Poor Choices. I don't know. What did you have? What did you drink? I don't know. It was six dollars.

Starting point is 01:24:17 You don't know what you drank or ordered? It was a six dollar thing shot with a Lone Star. Let me ask you this real quick before anyone else interrupts. Was it blue? Uh it might have been. When you say it might have been, does that mean you don't remember the drink? Well I don't have 20-20 but whatever the vodka was was cheap so it could have been blue, maybe not. But if I have blue lips I'm very confused about it as well. You might be having a stroke right now.

Starting point is 01:24:49 Ha ha ha. True. In that case. Jordan, you look like the seventh Brady Bunch kid that they sent to boarding school. That's what's up. That's what's up. My last name is Brady.

Starting point is 01:25:00 Yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. Real name? Yeah, real name. Not a stage name, yeah? No, not a stage name. How long you been doing stand up? About 10 years. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:25:10 I know, I know. Wow. You're halfway there. Wow. Wow. Jordan Brady, any relation to Tom Brady? He also played downs. No, but I did have an uncle who played in for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers, but no, by marriage. So right. Okay. What do you do for work? I am a musician. What kind of musician are you

Starting point is 01:25:42 exactly? I mainly play drums and like a heavy melodic rock band. Yeah, tour. You really play the drums? And you've been doing stand up for 10 years? I've been doing stand up, yeah, 10 years. So that was just a bad minute, but you play drums? Do you do drums better than you do stand up? I think so.

Starting point is 01:25:58 Well, you know what that means, everybody. We got to do a Mexican drum off. He could be the new drummer of the show if this goes good for him Doing a drum solo. Come on. Let's move it Michael. Here we go Doing a drum solo ladies and gentlemen After a terrible Green Day joke and some other stuff Rocking blue lips. This may be his last performance of any kind ever ladies and gentlemen

Starting point is 01:26:24 This is a Mexican drum off. For those of you that don't know, he's gonna do a drum solo coming in about 30 seconds or so. And if he wins, he's the new drummer on the show full time. And Michael Gonzalez is out of a job. Michael Gonzalez, yeah. Oh, you don't know how Mexican drum offs work? Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:45 This is a running thing in the show's history. A little fun fact, all time never before has anyone beat the resident drummer. Yeah, so but who knows this guy could be a prodigy. The audience decides. Okay, so it's fair and even and equal balance. Ladies and gentlemen, doing a drum solo, perhaps becoming the new drummer of Killtony. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a drum solo by Jordan Brady, everybody. Here we go. ["Kill Tony"] ["Kill Tony"]

Starting point is 01:27:23 Yeah! ["Kill Tony"] Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Oh my god! Oh no! Oh no! Oh no! Oh god, standing ovation from the top of the stage. Oh god, standing ovation from the top of the stage.

Starting point is 01:27:53 Oh god, standing ovation from the top of the stage. Oh god, standing ovation from the top of the stage. Oh god, standing ovation from the top of the stage. Oh no. Oh no. Oh no. Oh God standing ovation from the audience and the panel. This is not good. Ladies and gentlemen. Oh boy. We've been doing this show for a little over 10 years. That may be without a doubt the best drum solo we've heard. Michael, we need you to summon the fucking gods right now,

Starting point is 01:28:28 dude. Holy shit, baby. It's go time, Mike. You got to fucking hit that shit, Michael. It's not about the length of time either. He fucking got to it. Ladies and gentlemen, defending his throne, undefeated all time, this is Michael Gonzalez. Oh my god!

Starting point is 01:29:20 An even bigger standing ovation for Michael Gonzalez. Thank the Lord up in heaven. Wow. A battle of blue lips versus brown skin. This is going to come down to the wire, ladies and gentlemen. No doubt about it. Bam, bam, bam, bam, bam. Here's the story.

Starting point is 01:29:41 Holy shit. All right, let's get right into it. How many of you have Jordan Brady winning? Whoa. Very loud. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? There you go. Thank God Almighty. Here's a big joke book though for your participation in the drum-off. There he goes. Jordan Brady everybody. for your participation in the drum off. There he goes, Jordan Brady everybody. Okay. That was pretty impressive though.

Starting point is 01:30:10 Let's keep it moving. That was some good, some good bass drum, double bass, whatever that's called. I don't know what that's called. Yo, but for real, what was going on with his bottom lip? Dude, they were both lips by the way. It was the top lip too. That was scraping sums up

Starting point is 01:30:26 talent. Fuck something's up. The I have mail about the beginner. I don't know what it was or what it looked like. I didn't look at it. I didn't order it. Some special people in this fucking bucket. I'll tell you, we're gonna find another one right now out of the bucket you guys having fun out there Make some noise here next bucket pool Aldo Caldo Everybody Aldo Caldo good name. Let's see what happens makes a noise for Aldo everybody The hardest thing about being a musical comedian here in Austin, Texas is you let your family down twice.

Starting point is 01:31:10 So I'm a musical comedian here in Austin, Texas. My album went aluminum. You can find it on Craigslist, MySpace, all that good stuff. The first song is called End of the World. Ah! Other than that, I talk to my daughters about the future and about remembering the future since it's an election year. We talk about what it's really going to be like since we have a black president and a white president.

Starting point is 01:31:36 What it would be like if we have a Latino president. But what if we have a gay Latino president? We have a gay Latino president. Soy Presidente Alejandro Ramos. Y soy Presidente the USA. Not only have I read your books and seen the movies of your beautiful country, but I was in the musical. Chuse, chuse. What putas, y'all never seen USA? Oh my gato, it's about time that America

Starting point is 01:32:04 takes it from behind. Inmida China, you talking shit, cabron? We get our child support on the 15th and then we'll pay you. All right, Korea, Russia, the third. There it is, a full minute 15 from Aldo Caldo, everybody. Aldo, welcome to the show. Hola, hola. How do you feel?

Starting point is 01:32:26 I feel amazing. You really a musical comedian? Yes, I am. That's just a setup for the joke. What does that mean? You play like a guitar normally? I play guitar. I've jammed with Deep Madness.

Starting point is 01:32:34 Oh, you have? Yeah, I know some of these homies. I play with Chris Bettis right now. Okay. And Louie the singer, country artist. So you sing and you play guitar? I sing and I do like parodies of music, comedy, weed. I do go by Comedian.

Starting point is 01:32:49 OK, very good. That excites the Latino people. Well, I was the bass player for a boy group band called Menudo. Are you serious? Yeah, I had a whole different band here. Yeah, I have a totally different bit, but I was like, you know what?

Starting point is 01:33:03 Let's go with the gay Latino president We're sort of an ass fucking theme tonight, so yeah, yeah, yeah Oh, yeah, good that you threw that in there. There hasn't been enough of it tonight. Yeah I usually do my bit with the melodica and I was gonna try to jam with the guys You want to sing a song for us? You want to tell the band something or other and then they'll play it and then you can sing something? You want to melt something good for us tonight? Sure, can I get my instrument that's right here? You really have an instrument?

Starting point is 01:33:31 Yeah. What is it? It's a melodica. Okay, can we? They said they have, oh here it is. Can we just bring it up on stage? What the wow. There it is.

Starting point is 01:33:38 Nice. Very nice. What's the title of the track you're gonna sing or you're gonna improvise on? It's called I Nutted on a Scarf. Matalea Tony, which means kill Tony. What's the title of the track you're gonna sing or you're gonna improvise something? It's called I Nutted on a Scarf. Matatoni... Matalea Tony. Which means Kill Tony.

Starting point is 01:33:50 Okay. Okay. I like that. Umbia, E minor, B, 2, 3... Oh shit, he's calling shots. Oh my god, this guy knows what the fuck he's doing. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:34:06 Hey. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:34:14 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:34:22 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. La marihuana hasta la si de la mañana Matale, matale, matale, matale a Tony Matale, matale, matale, matale, I told me Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!

Starting point is 01:35:16 Muchas gracias, my name is Arturo Calzón. Wow! Wow! Wow! Hey, I wanna sing a verse. I wanna sing a verse. I wanna sing a verse. Keep going. Wait, here he goes.

Starting point is 01:35:27 Ladies and gentlemen, Adam Ray. I'm in the library And I have some kisses Let me be your little pony Hey Wow! Wow! Unbelievable Un-fucking-believable Wow! Yeah! Unbelievable. Un-fucking-believable. Menudo is back, baby! Yeah!

Starting point is 01:36:12 Yeah! Menudo is back. Wow! What's up? That is, um... Menudo is fucking back. Menudo's back, Caldo! Aldo, Caldo, I gotta say,

Starting point is 01:36:22 that's one of my favorite musical performances ever in the show's history. Thank you guys, thank you guys. I agree. Wow. Bro. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:36:33 That was nice. What were you saying? Something, something Tony. What was it? Yeah. Vamos a matar el Tony. Say it again. Vamos a matar el Tony.

Starting point is 01:36:41 Mamas a mamar. A matar. What? Vamos a mamar el Tony. Mama said mamar. No, vamos a matar. We're going to kill Tony. Like, kill Tony. Oh, OK.

Starting point is 01:36:49 OK. OK. Cool. I love it. I thought it was not about nutting on a scarf, then. Yeah. Oh, that's too bad. I was hoping it was about nutting on a scarf.

Starting point is 01:36:56 Yeah, yeah. Oh, wow. Catchy, man. My goodness. Still good, though. Aldo, how long have you lived in Austin? I've lived here off and on for about, almost 20 years. Almost 20 years.

Starting point is 01:37:07 Wow. So I kind of traveled to Las Vegas, do some artwork there at a place called Area 15, and then I came back here and just kind of jumped back and forth. Area 15, what's that, the low rent Area 51? Yeah, kind of like the- It's where illegal aliens land. Yeah, basically. Yeah. Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe.

Starting point is 01:37:29 It's no fun. Okay. Area 15. Area 15. Yeah, yeah. Hell yeah. All right, okay. Aldo, how long have you been doing comedy?

Starting point is 01:37:38 For about eight, nine years on and off. Cause I'll get on tours and kind of take off with bands and come back and hit it back and forth. So I love it. You in town next Monday? Yeah. Why don't you come out and do a song with the band during audience load in. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:37:54 Oh, wow. Be a special featured musician before the show starts. Invited back. That's awesome. Yes. That's big. Nice. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 01:38:05 Thank you, guys. Here's a big joke box. Aldo Caldo, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Aldo. Hey. Woo! Woo! Woo!

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Starting point is 01:38:42 Ahem, Wednesday. Why, you wonder? Whopper Wednesday, of course. When you can get a great deal on a whopper. Flame grilled and made your way. And you won't want to miss it. So make every Wednesday a whopper Wednesday. Only at Burger King, where you rule.

Starting point is 01:39:03 And now another special treat, ladies and gentlemen. A very special treat. We go from a brown comedian to a golden ticket. Ladies and gentlemen, this man is a fucking absolute sensation, one of our golden ticket winners with cerebral palsy who absolutely murders every time he's on stage. Ladies and gentlemen, a many year golden ticket winner that we found in Washington,

Starting point is 01:39:31 D.C. years and years ago. This is yet another set by who could be truly one of the best out there. Make some noise, a new minute from Martin Phillips, everybody. Here he is. I don't know, I'm a milk carton, and so you have petrifiers of a lot of children, and I think that was just milk industry propaganda, you know? Like, hey, guess what? What happens when you don't drink your milk? You go missing, oh my God, oh man.

Starting point is 01:40:22 I bet you wish you had strong bones. They weren't a helped out, so. They found all those kids, it's cool. Anyway, okay, I was about to, you know, I was hooking up with this girl, a true story. Uh, she was, but I don't know. That's not the joke, that's not the joke. Fuck you, that's not the joke, that's not the joke. Fuck you, that's not the joke.

Starting point is 01:40:47 Now she didn't think that she could bite my neck and some people might hear that and be like, man, that sounds hot, but I was like, uh-uh, are you a vampire? Oh fuck. Then she nipped one of my ears and I was like, well, there's not much blood there, she already done that, but,

Starting point is 01:41:06 but then she blew me and I was like, there's a lot of blood there, so, you got me, you got me. God damn, I mean, if you look at this guy's track record, if you were to line up his minutes, minute after minute after minute, truly might be one of the all-time greats in the show's history,

Starting point is 01:41:26 and you have done it yet again, Martin Phillips. Unbelievable performance that is true about the milk cartons. I love the, I hooked up with the girl, true storyline. Pause for laughter for about 10 seconds after that one. I didn't want the laughter. Sure, I'll take it. You're taking what the universe has given you

Starting point is 01:41:49 and you are leaning into it, my friend. Leaning hard to the right into it. It is incredible how you utilize everything that life has given you and you're just absolutely hilarious and separate from your condition. I mean, if you were fucking six foot five and muscular, you'd still be hilarious. Like it's incredible how well-rated.

Starting point is 01:42:12 I got the muscles going. Oh shit, okay. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. You are muscular dystrophy, I think. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:42:21 It's with the name, it's with the name. Oh my goodness. You know what's exciting about this is anytime I accidentally get an erection looking at Heidi, I can look at you, Martin Phillips, and it immediately goes away. That's so weird. It's the exact opposite. Prove it. Wait, yo, big fan, seeing you live is very fucking cool. Thank you. Yeah, when did you want to do stand-up comedy? I don't know if this has been asked on the show before. Oh, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:42:58 I just always thought it was funny, so I just did it. So, I'm sorry, it's a better story, but yeah, just growing up, and so, but I went to college, and I started trucking then, so. Were you a funny kid? I think I was always, yeah, I was always not paying attention in class. I was always a bad student, but yeah, it was always funny.

Starting point is 01:43:24 Were you bullied at all? No, it was a bad student. But yeah, it was always funny. Did you get bullied at all? No, it was a funny story. Now, so I, I don't know if people liked me, I was never really bullied, but this is a true story. In high school, me and my friend used to just like, you know, pick on each other because we're friends. And then I came up with this really good gag in

Starting point is 01:43:45 class I'd fall down and get everyone's attention then they were looking at me I was like Steve why'd you push me? And I thought everyone knew it was a joke And then one day I did it in the hallway and Stealing was like, hey man, that's not funny. Mrs. Smith called my mom. And so, yeah, and so. Yeah, then my other teacher is having a mad teacher be like, hey, Barton's full of shit. Don't bully them. So I was the bully. That's the point. I'm the bully.

Starting point is 01:44:31 Good for you man. That's so fucking funny. Do you still keep in touch with Steven? No. All right. I thought he was doing good. Very'm sure. But yeah. Very interesting. What else is going on in your life, Martin Phillips? Oh, I have another very good bully story. I used to take physical therapy and they would pair us with another kid and I was a little

Starting point is 01:45:01 bit older than him, so I would bust his balls. Just during the session, then one day before a session, they took me aside. They're like, yeah, Johnny's mom told us you didn't bully him in these sessions. And the point is, that kid was a bitch, okay? Guys, guys.

Starting point is 01:45:22 We were, yeah, okay? We were in middle school, okay? You know, don't go to mommy, okay? Like, yeah, come on. And he's here tonight. Johnny, come on out, man. Johnny and Steven, oh, fuck, damn. So, I'm an asshole, okay? I'm an ass, yeah.

Starting point is 01:45:43 You gotta end your special by pushing Steven down. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'll get asshole, okay? I'm an ass. Yeah. You gotta end your special by pushing Stephen down. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'll get it back. Yeah. So Martin, other than the carton of milk, you said that you hooked up with a girl.

Starting point is 01:45:53 Was this recent? Oh, no, that was well, no. Have you gotten, have you been getting more women in your life since your Kill Tony fame has? Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, no. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Please make that my new email award.

Starting point is 01:46:09 Oh, I got a text message. Sounds like a no, but I mean, you know. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. We could maybe change that tonight, though, right, ladies? Yeah! Hell yeah. Alright.

Starting point is 01:46:26 Alright, well, maybe not. If that happens, I'll be back every week. I'll be here every night. Shit, me too. What the fuck? What is your move? If you meet a gal and you guys are going to maybe go back to somebody's place, what's the first move? I don't know. I just have to get there first. Get to the place. We can feel it out. Oh, man. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm

Starting point is 01:46:59 more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I'm more into women who make the move. I love that. Yeah, I love that. Is there a genre of music you like to have on when things are gonna... Oh, well, in St. Cloud Post.

Starting point is 01:47:10 Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. Nice. No doubt about it. Yeah. Is there a special dating app for people with your types of conditions? Is there a bender or a wobble or a limper or a, you know?

Starting point is 01:47:30 Just because I can't walk straight doesn't mean I'm not straight. You know what I mean? I think a long back I found something like that and not good, not the best. The guy's an inspiration. Okay. He's just like,

Starting point is 01:47:47 He's an inspiration. No, you're real, you're a true inspiration for people. Come on, I mean, this is incredible what you're doing. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. People. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:47:56 Yeah. Ah, it's amazing, incredible. No, it's very inspiring. You should be ashamed of yourself, Tony. I agree, I agree. What are you, No, it's very inspiring. You should be ashamed of yourself, Tom. I agree. What are you afraid of, Tom? Do you have like a history of bullying handicapped people that you don't want to come out right now? I gotta make it right tonight. I was the bullied handicapped person.

Starting point is 01:48:19 Were you, Steven? Yeah, well, I definitely think that I relate to you in a lot of ways. Yeah, absolutely. You're getting up there and you're doing your thing and it's amazing. It's incredible. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:48:31 I love seeing you. Thanks. And I think there's a lot of people in the world that probably don't have the confidence to get up and do what you're doing and I'm sure you're inspiring them. So it's a beautiful thing. And I really am.

Starting point is 01:48:42 It's very impressive. It's incredible. He is. He's inspiring a bunch Sorry to get serious for a second. He's inspiring a bunch of people that don't have physical handicaps, just mental handicaps, to come up here. Like everyone else that was here tonight. Yeah, this bucket is a bunch of people that are like,

Starting point is 01:48:54 if that guy could do it, I could do it. Tony's butthole's so loose that I cannot fuck him to death. That's a pretty good one. Try some of that next time maybe. Martin anything else we should know about before letting you go? Oh, no. Just get me the fucking thing. You are a fucking machine.

Starting point is 01:49:19 I just make sounds, natural sounds I make. Yeah, it's great. It's my favorite, dude. It's so funny, man. You can hear those wheels turning out there. That's exactly, dude. We all have that. Yours are just so likable. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh turn. Me no, no, no, no, Tony,

Starting point is 01:49:53 me no, no, no, no, Tony. Hey, you don't, you know how to sing any songs. You go to karaoke at all. Keep pushing it forward. Yeah We have fun. It's amazing Martin gets to do a minute any time he wants He's got a fucking great deal here on Tony cuz he's loved how long ago was that in DC when you won your golden ticket? I think that was like right before 2020 it was like the end of 2019. Okay. So yeah, that, yeah. So yeah.

Starting point is 01:50:25 About four years. Yeah, so it's been a better. Ever since rocking side to side. Yeah, you know. We love you, Martin. I mean, you're an absolute freak. Another unbelievable performance by the great and powerful Martin Phillips.

Starting point is 01:50:41 ["The Greatest Showman"] Ooh, a standing ovation here. powerful Martin Phillips. Ooh, a standing ovation here. Look at that. I love it. That takes a lot. It takes a lot of courage to get up on stage. Oh yeah. And he's overcoming his disability and still doing that. I love it.

Starting point is 01:51:02 I love it. Oh my God. What the fuck was that? Jesus Christ. Sean Dees had that loaded up somehow. Oh my God. Amazing. I mean, we're all going to hell for that. I mean, it's actually, you know, a nice testament

Starting point is 01:51:27 to you, too, bringing people up here to have this up. You brought my friend Aaron Belisle up. Yeah, totally. From Ottawa, my hometown. That's true. That great stand up in Ottawa. Fellow Canadian, Ottawa zone. Incredible comedian as well with a disability.

Starting point is 01:51:40 Yeah, Jared Nathan from Toronto, Canada, also a Golden golden ticket winner. Yeah. We have an unbelievable amount of handicapped Canadian people that we support. Myself included. Welcome to the fold. I have one testicle, so there you go. You took my right testicle.

Starting point is 01:51:57 You have as many testicles as Canada has tanks. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, that's true. That is true. That is actually true. We haven't had a woman on stage tonight. I dug through the bucket until I found one representing the ladies tonight. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted from the bucket. This is Trish Smart. Everybody here we go. Trish Smart, your final bucket poll of the night. If you work really hard at your dreams and you don't fuck anyone to get where you're going,

Starting point is 01:52:38 you could be right here. This could be you. It makes sense though, my biggest comedy credit is I run a comedy club at Burning Man. Do you know what Burning Man is? You ever had period sex in a dust storm? Sounds like you don't know dick about Burning Man. Burning Man is a place where it's like a music festival but everyone brings their own stage. You guys know what a music festival is?

Starting point is 01:53:16 That's where you go to take drugs and look for your friends for eight hours. And then one of them texts you and he's like, I'm by the medical tent and you're like, Billy's gone guys, he's never coming back. What's not to like about music festivals? You know, they have the same currency as jail. Cigarettes, bubble gum, anal. I met a man at a music festival, I tried to trick him into my van.

Starting point is 01:53:47 Keep going I want to hear the rest of it keep going Trish. Go on. The thing about it is that if you love somebody put them in a small box and then fart in it. Was that my minute? Yeah yeah yeah. It was a minute, minute twenty eight. A fantastic performance. Trish smart. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was a minute, minute 28. A fantastic performance. Trish Smart, welcome to the show.

Starting point is 01:54:10 This is your first time here, right? Yeah, it's good to be here. It's like the price is right at a dive bar. Yeah, exactly. Absolutely. It's a good line. Yeah. It's a good line. It is.

Starting point is 01:54:22 Your your opening joke was so funny. And when you when you said, has anyone ever had period sex at a dust storm? It is. Your opening joke was so funny, and when you said, has anyone ever had period sex in a dust storm? And I literally heard Martin's voice in my head go, Nyeh. Which made it even funnier. Is that what he sounded like when you were doing it?

Starting point is 01:54:37 Oh. Oh. Oh, wow. Whoa! Whoa! You ain't need no scarf, bitch. Yeah, that's right. I had period sex with a guy with cerebral palsy. Hell yeah. That would have been a great.

Starting point is 01:55:11 We'll be right back. Oh my God, let's say to the what have you created that no is that happens when you say those words. It doesn't translate to the internet. I know it. This show you just have to see, you have to be there live. Wait, I do think that could be a meme actually. What's that?

Starting point is 01:55:32 That what you just said. Yeah. Wait, Comic Club at Burning Man, how does that describe that? So you go there and you build a stage with a bunch of your friends on drugs and then you do comedy on drugs. No, I'm just kidding.

Starting point is 01:55:45 It's a. It's like this, okay. It's like, yeah. It's like being here, but we're not staring at each other. We're staring into the butthole of truth. No, I'm just kidding. How about a real answer, yeah. You gotta go and find out.

Starting point is 01:55:59 We don't talk about it. It's like Fight Club. Oh. Yeah. Trish, what was it like being raised on a sitcom with Roseanne? Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:56:11 You look like... Uh-oh, here we go. Tony, you look like you eat pussy with a bib. I actually, I do. I do. I do eat pussy with a bib. It's hard to stare into your eyes like that. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:56:24 A bib to protect from the period blood. And the dust. I don't like it. You girls just dropped first blood and the winds are changing, so you never know. Absolutely. I like your style. Thank you. What do you wear when you eat pussy?

Starting point is 01:56:35 Look, I know I look like a homeless lesbian. Only one of those things is true. Oh, shit. I live of those things is true. Oh shit. I live in my car. Okay. What kind of car is it? I just got a bus, it broke down,

Starting point is 01:56:54 and I took a bunch of standby flights to figure out where I'm gonna go, and I was like, I'll go to Austin, I'll see what happens. I love it. Holy shit. Are you really in your car right now? Yeah, so I've actually been living nomadically and traveling for comedy for seven years now.

Starting point is 01:57:07 Wow, amazing. And you've been doing standup that whole time? Yeah. Amazing. Where did your adventure start? So I started doing comedy in Las Vegas and then I took a one-way flight to Tokyo because if shit doesn't work out,

Starting point is 01:57:20 at least it's honorable there, you know? Right. Pfft. Bro. Bro. Bro. Bro. Bro. Bro. Bro. Bro. Bro.

Starting point is 01:57:30 Just so you guys know, that joke fucking killed in Tokyo. Okay? And then I went to Southeast Asia. I actually came here because of Rick DS. We, I lived, I was with him during the pandemic. We were doing shows at a burger bar in Bangkok. Wow. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:57:49 Incredible. You said Bangkok and I have an erection now. Yeah. That is so fucking cool. So how do you make money? So actually I sell acrylic paintings of myself on the toilet at comedy shows. Welcome back to No Shit.

Starting point is 01:58:06 And they... It's good shit. Wait. But no, that's very real. You can visit IHateChurchSmart.com, purchase some for yourself. Let's go. Say the website one more time.

Starting point is 01:58:19 Give me a real plug. I was gonna ask where you get those. It's IHateChurchSmart.com. Okay, that's good. How much do they go for? I like to debate with people, you know? I'm like, what's this worth to you? You know, you put it in your bathroom,

Starting point is 01:58:31 somebody sees it, they're also taking a shit, and they're like, is that girl taking a shit? And they do pretty well. You have such, you exude this amazing energy. I could tell that you really love what you do. I do. You know, I was in, I happily lived in the back seat of my car a 16, 17 years ago behind the comedy store

Starting point is 01:58:55 when I was working there. And everybody, you know, especially my mom back then would always say, oh, Tony, I don't know why you're doing that, but I loved it. I was happy. I was a part of something. I loved what I was doing. I was getting better. I, you know, and I doing that, but I loved it. I was happy. I was a part of something. I loved what I was doing. I was getting better.

Starting point is 01:59:07 And I can tell that you feel that way. You love what you do. It's not about what you have. It's about what you're doing. And I feel like I'll be living in the back seat of my car after tonight. You want to get in the van, Tom? Uh oh.

Starting point is 01:59:20 Uh oh. Oh! Someone's got period sex in their future. Yeah. Your bum is now a bum. Your bum is now a bum. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:59:32 Ha ha ha ha ha. Wait, is, uh. Stop bringing up all the hits. Ha ha ha ha. Can you for real give us the pros and cons of the bus living? Cause that sounds awesome. So it's my first bus actually.

Starting point is 01:59:43 I've lived out of several different cars I had a like a Civic I've had different vans all kinds of stuff I like to say I've manifested do you know what manifested is? No I got it. I manifested a van and then I'm like didn't mean to kill my grandfather doing it but here we are. Oh that's the line? Okay guys. Wow. We'll have period sex and I never want to love it again apparently. Yeah. Do you, but so you want to, like would you like to have like a place at some point or do you like the kind of moving and shaking lifestyle? I just get to do more comedy this way so I just do it that way. You know? You love Austin.

Starting point is 02:00:21 I mean you're here in the new hub of stand-up comedy. Well, I am enjoying it. Thank you. Many comedy clubs all within a small area of each other. That's why I came here. I didn't know what to do with myself. And I was like, where can I do comedy? How long have you been here now? Definitely Austin.

Starting point is 02:00:33 I actually got here today. Wow. Yeah. That is incredible. The final bucket pull of the night. Very, very lucky. So you're staying in a car right now? No.

Starting point is 02:00:45 So the bus is broken down in Virginia right now, right? And I have a pilot buddy. So I've been taking these standby flights. And I couldn't get one out of Tucson. I did a show in Bisbee, Arizona two nights ago. OK. You have a fake place. Keep going.

Starting point is 02:00:57 So I just took a home of Doug Schoenholm. It does look like a fake place. It looks like a cardboard cutout. And you could just hit it at any time it's gone. And then I took a rental car here. So I just drove 13 hours and I'm just exhausted staring at you in the face. Where? You have no place to stay. Actually, I will be sold a timeshare tomorrow in a very swanky hotel downtown. I don't know if you've ever done the timeshare thing.

Starting point is 02:01:21 It's amazing how well they take care of migrants now. Is that? So how, what is that? What is that? How does that go down? What've ever done the timeshare thing. It's amazing how well they take care of migrants. Is that? No, I'm just kidding. So how, what is that, what is that, how does that go down? What do you mean a timeshare at a hotel? Explain to us. So if you go to enough hotels, they'll call you and they'll be like, do you want to take this survey? And then if you lie to them about how much money you make,

Starting point is 02:01:37 they're like, oh, we'll give you a nice swanky hotel and we'll give you a Visa card for sitting through our presentation, cause you'll buy a thing, but they have no idea how broke I am. And this will release after that, so I'll get sued. Amazing. All right, well, life is short, we're all gonna die, you're fucking funny, I'm putting you in a hotel

Starting point is 02:01:58 for the rest of the fucking week. Whoa, look at that. I'm fucking doing it, I'm fucking doing it. I'm fucking doing it. I'm fucking doing it. I've done it before, and I'll be honest, sometimes it didn't work out great. But you're fucking really funny, and you give a fuck, and you deserve to have a chance. And I'm going to do it through the week. But if you're like, I can't play for myself, then it's OK.

Starting point is 02:02:24 No, absolutely not. I will take the handout, yes. I will gladly help you out like that because you're fucking really likable and you're funny. And everybody needs a fucking boost. Thank you. Thank you. She has arrived to Austin, Texas. It happened today.

Starting point is 02:02:40 Tomorrow, here at the Comedy Mothership, the great Brian Simpson hosts an all improvised show called Bottom of the Barrel. Would you like to do the late show here at the Mothership? Well, there you go. You're doing a Comedy Mothership official spot. Trish Smart, Red Man, and I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday at the Sunset

Starting point is 02:03:02 Store. Wow. Look at that. Thank you so much. Doing spots every night. Welcome to Austin, Texas. And you're leaving with a big joke book as well. There you go.

Starting point is 02:03:13 Wow. Thank you. And you know what? I'm also going to give you one of these cool key chains, even though you don't have a key to put on it. There you go. Oh, there you go. I got a new hotel key.

Starting point is 02:03:22 Do you hear that? Absolutely. Congratulations. You're the type of person that we hope to pull out of the hotel key. Do you hear that? Absolutely. Congratulations. You're the type of person that we hope to pull out of the bucket. We found you. Trish Smart. There she goes.

Starting point is 02:03:30 Thank you. Thank you. And don't forget, IHatetrishSmart.com. Go buy a painting. Support her. Very funny lady. Can't wait to see her again. There goes Trish Smart, everybody.

Starting point is 02:03:43 There she goes. Wow. What a great last bucket pull of the night. Amazing. There's only one way to close a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. Perhaps you've heard of them. Some people call them the Indianapolis ionizer. Some people have referred to them as the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, the Connecticut Connector, the Sultan of San Jose, the Corpus Christi Christian. This is indeed the one and only, Lights Out, William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. I'm gonna name my first child Steve Harvey Oswald.

Starting point is 02:04:48 Witnesses in Dallas say they saw a man in a bright purple suit fleeing the scene. Frankly, I think it's disrespectful to wear a band T-shirt to another band show. So if I catch you wearing your Bon Jovi hoodie at an Apex Twin concert, Red Band, I will fucking kill you. You piece of shit. The White House made two important announcements last week with the first being that the bag of powder

Starting point is 02:05:19 found in the White House after Hunter Biden had been there was not cocaine but sawdust. The second announcement was that the White House thinks you are stupid as fuck. Okay, that's my time, thank you. Amazing. Ladies and gentlemen, nobody does it like him. The record holder for all time appearances on this show,

Starting point is 02:05:42 the record holder for all time interviews, and yet you come out guns a-blazing every fucking week with some of the best, most original to you material, imaginable, you look good, you look pure. Why was that funny, dumbass? I specifically heard you fucking... An amazing performance. You are popping.

Starting point is 02:06:03 Your star power is incredible incredible though hair is redder The face is whiter than ever. What have you been doing exactly? I swear to God I'm not gonna keep on beating a dead horse But I ate a bowl of all-brand buds last night and I ate another one today and I had two Legitimate shits and Tony I've started putting a bunch of blueberries in with my all-brain buds, and it looks like I'm not chewing my blueberries. They're all in the toilet, they're all in the to-do, Tony. All these full-looking blueberries. I don't know, it's a new thing.

Starting point is 02:06:34 We had another guy that was eating blueberries tonight too, right? The blue-lipped guy. Yeah. Yeah. We had a blue-lipped guy here tonight. He also fucked Prince in the ass. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:06:46 And came on somebody's scarf. I know how the song Purple Rain happened. I'm trying to catch heart. Purple Rain. If you mix blue and flesh. Purple Rain happened. You get purple. Purple Rain happened.

Starting point is 02:06:58 Purple Rain happened. Purple Rain. Okay. All right. We're done with that. Okay. Yeah, no, that was crazy. He was pretty good at the drums. you were you scared? I was thinking I bet your fucking ass is scared right now Yeah a little bit

Starting point is 02:07:19 Tom they're cheering because that's what I would I normally fucking say you dumbass Tom, they're cheering because that's what I normally fucking say, you dumb ass. So don't fucking do that again. Not in front of Tom Green, dude. Seriously. I grew up watching you, Tom. I'm a big fan. It's a pleasure to be standing here.

Starting point is 02:07:33 I can tell. I can tell. I've never seen, in his history, by the way, I've never seen William be so nice to a panelist before, I must say. I appreciate it. I'm a big fan too. I've been watching the show. I remember, Tom, one of the funniest things I think I saw was when you were with the Indian family at the house. They were renting out the house and you all ended up drinking and

Starting point is 02:08:03 throwing the furniture. I thought that was so funny Yeah, I thought that was so funny y'all end up throwing the furniture off the things great. Thank you. Thank you Two legends of the game. This is an incredible eclipse Tom Green the guest of the year Adam Ray and the record holder for all-time appearances and kills William for all-time appearances and kills William Montgomery. So funny, Will. Beautifully lined up. What an angle I have on this comedy eclipse of greatness.

Starting point is 02:08:30 William, what else is going on this week? I was in Detroit, Michigan this past weekend. I was doing shows there. It was a lot of fun. And it was really exciting, Tony, to hang out with Barry Sanders. Barry Sanders met me at the freaking airport. We drove around and it's so strange Tony.

Starting point is 02:08:50 We ended up at Wayne State University kinda close by the downtown area and me and Barry Sanders, I'm not proud to say this but we found a couple of people on that college campus and it was mainly Barry but we fucking strangled two people on Wayne State University's campus I mean Barry Sanders fucking hands are so giant he was he was brutalizing these people Tony but I wasn't stopping them. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Wild week. Scott Pot told me that same story before. How did you end up hanging out with Barry

Starting point is 02:09:26 Sanders? I mean we don't it's one thing with blueberries, but a blackberry is why wow we'll be right back We'll be right back. I know, right? I know, then that's also. Chaos. Chaos.

Starting point is 02:09:53 William, what else is happening? Going up to Tony, this is gonna be my first weekend coming up in Spokane where I'm going by myself. And Tony, I'm so, I'm nervous. I've never. You're headlining. Yeah, I'm headlining. It's my first headlining weekend where I'm by myself.

Starting point is 02:10:17 Tony, I am scared to death. I know nobody in Spokane. It's gonna be really cold. I'm worried I'm gonna end up in the hotel room the whole time, and when I start staying in the hotel room, I swear to God, y'all, I just start getting so sad. Okay, thanks for coming out, everybody. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:10:34 This is so common right now. Yeah, dude, well, you gotta get out. Spokane, I've been there a bunch. It's, thanks for event. Yeah, what was that, dumbass? What the fuck was that? Ha ha ha! Wow, that was new one, I ain't heard that one.

Starting point is 02:10:47 Sean Beath. Spokane does, I mean, you're right to be a little apprehensive. It doesn't have a lot to offer, but they're down to there's an arcade. Are you an arcade guy? Yeah, yeah. You do the Spokane comedy club? Yeah, I think it's actually the meth capital of it is. Yeah, country. So there's that. There's that. So you're I could get back into doing drugs again. capital of the country so there's that. There's that.

Starting point is 02:11:05 I could get back into doing drugs again. I swear I feel like I've really lost an edge Tony. I think about it every fucking day about stopping cocaine. I've really... Hey, do you want to shut up for a fucking second? I've never... I'm really trying to get a little honest right now and all I fucking hear is something behind me. Oh, Dee's pissed.

Starting point is 02:11:28 No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. Oh shit. By the way, so racist to be like, there's something behind me. Ah, William, William, William. Oh William William William Did you ever do meth in your drug days or no no no all right? No, you keep saying that you're going to Spokane by yourself, but aren't you going with Casey rocket?

Starting point is 02:11:56 No, we can't go this weekend. He's doing his own His own gig so everybody's working. Oh boy You don't have anybody to go with you don't have anybody to take with you? Well the fucking flights are like two thousand dollars it cost me Tony I fucking it cost me three thousand dollars to fly to salt lake city the other weekend because I waited till the week of. You were flying first class for sure. No I waited till week of and I don't know if it's ski season or what but three thousand dollars it was horrible. Does anyone want to go to Spokane with William? It's amazing. Adam is going to buy everybody tickets.

Starting point is 02:12:33 By the way, I'm going to need her to Venmo me back immediately. Wait, but I mean, yeah, you have nobody to go with you. Do you say Van Mo? Van Mo? There's no van mo. She's got a van mo, though. That's where you have no money and live in a van. OK. Wow, William.

Starting point is 02:12:52 You're going to pull local openers then, I guess, yeah? Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, it'll be fun. I'm excited. I'm excited. We'll see. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 02:13:02 We'll see. Those weekends where that happens, where it feels like something's off, those are always, I had no way to explain it. I'm sure you guys might agree with me. Those are always the ones where you end up having the most fun breakthroughs on the stage. It doesn't make any fucking sense, but it's always the ones where it's like, those end up being fun breakthroughs. I mean, just absolutely amazing. Well, I'm pumped because that's probably going to happen to my ass this weekend.

Starting point is 02:13:29 And I swear if I do get like after after this past weekend, it seemed pretty good. But I swear, Tony, if like this weekend doesn't doesn't go well, I mean, I probably will. But if it does go well, I don't think I'm probably ever going to stop doing this stuff. I mean, I have to. I should have yelled that, okay. Ah, yeah, you should have. You got too real. Amazing. Careful what you wish for. Ah, wise words.

Starting point is 02:13:57 You could be in Spokane, you know, three times a year for the rest of your life. I know, yeah. It's true. Like me. No, Spokane's pretty nice, actually. Shout out Spokane, actually. Yeah, you're gonna go there, and you're gonna dread it, and then you're gonna be at your hotel, you're gonna have a nice meal,

Starting point is 02:14:18 and then you're gonna hear the roar of the crowd when whoever local feature brings you up, and you're gonna be in love. You're gonna have the time of your life the people out there Love you. Well, one of the biggest cameo People on planet earth. Yeah, please find me on cameo. I know I do genuinely appreciate it Where are you looking at me like that? You fucking idiot. I was praying to God for

Starting point is 02:14:41 I mean shit. Well, we should maybe let's do a little a little movie trailer for your weekend in Spokane. Yeah Spokane Nice this weekend one man Travels for too much money to a place. Nobody ever wants to fucking go for too much money to a place nobody ever wants to fucking go. Spokane, Washington, used to be his favorite place to go until... Until... He locked himself in his Holiday Inn Express room, looking in the mirror, asking himself, why?

Starting point is 02:15:23 How did I get here? Where is the meth? As soon as he jumped off the wagon, he got right back on. I need more meth. He was determined to do anything for drugs. Then again, he was in Spokane and the drugs were everywhere. He did everything hand jobs blowjobs rim jobs Just regular old uber eats jobs Anything to pass the time in Spokane a lot of uber eats and I was eating just I was full most of the time He couldn't stop shitting blueberries. All brand buds has really changed my life.

Starting point is 02:16:14 He reached out to several friends, hey come with me to Spokane, but they all said a resounding, Dillard, why can't you go to Spokane with me this coming weekend, man? You know I'm going alone. I'm busy, William. I got shit to do. Dillard, hold on, man.

Starting point is 02:16:31 You know I gotta go there alone. You know I can't even go to Spokane. I never been to Spokane. You broke my Xbox controller last week, William. Man, I was out back. Nobody knew what William said that day, but he was destined to win Spokane's heart over. He came home crushing the shows, saying to himself, I'm gonna keep doing stand-up for the rest of my life, or at least try to fuck that girl who looked like Roseanne's daughter. Charlize Theron, Starzan.

Starting point is 02:17:11 Wait, what? Wait, yeah, hold on. Charlize Theron as Roseanne's daughter. William Montgomery and Cam Patterson. As Milo and Otis. In Spokaneane Montgomery this fall. Take it one step at a time. Is this movie trailer ever gonna stop? It ain't ever gonna stop! William Montgomery ladies and gentlemen,

Starting point is 02:17:42 and we did it, That's another hit show. Tom Green dot com. He's on tour all around the world. The Tom Green podcast, the only podcast filmed out of a solar powered barn. Yeah, in Ontario. Yeah, the only one in Ontario. Tom Green dot com for tour dates, Tom Green Podcast.

Starting point is 02:18:06 Adam Ray has the Dr. Phil specials out on YouTube at Adam Ray Comedy Dotcom. Adam Ray Comedy on YouTube, Adam Ray Comedy Dotcom. He's on tour absolutely everywhere. Yo, we're trying to bring a Dr. Phil live show to the mothership, baby. So fucking say it. Just to put a ribbon on it, how loud can this place get one more time for Tom Green and Adam Ray, huh? Gina with 3A's dot HG is Heidi on social media the drawing from Ryan Jay Ebelt is in Thank You Draft Kings Game Time Talkspace

Starting point is 02:18:42 Gel Blaster Red Rose and Yellow Rose. Let's see the drawing from the great Chris Rogers. Oh, Casey Rocket. That grimace! How about one more time for the great Michael Gonzalez, D Madness, John Dees, Matt Mueling, Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, and Raul Vallejo, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 02:19:09 We love you guys so much. Good night everybody, thank you guys. What? Guys, I'll be in San Diego in July. Check out AmericanComedyCode.com, I love you guys. There you go. San Diego in July for Red Band, everybody. Get tickets.

Starting point is 02:19:24 Who you going there with? KC Rocket. Unless it gets too big. Wow, amazing. All right, we love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody. I'm gonna be a good boy. The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Starting point is 02:20:36 Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you you

KILL TONY - #655 - TOM GREEN + ADAM RAY

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