KILL TONY - #657 - RICH VOS + DOM IRERA + ELEANOR KERRIGAN

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas, go to SunsetStripATX.com. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Randy from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcliff!

Starting point is 00:01:01 Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Yippee! Here we are everybody. We made it. It's Red Band everyone. We're doing it again. Congratulations, you did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you by the Red

Starting point is 00:01:12 Band. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Band. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Band. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Band. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you by the Red

Starting point is 00:01:20 Band. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Band. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Band. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you by the Red Band. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony brought to you It's Red Band, everyone. We're doing it again. Congratulations, you did it. You made it. You're at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by Talkspace, Squarespace,

Starting point is 00:01:32 the Red Rose, and the Yellow Rose. How about that? You guys happy? How about one more time for the best stand band in the land, everybody? That's the fantastic Raúl Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matthew Muehling on the electric guitar, John B's on the keys,

Starting point is 00:01:58 and this is the great and powerful D Madness on the bass guitar right here. Live in the flesh, an unbelievable show ready to rock. Before we get it started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Crypto is like finance, but different. It doesn't care when you invest, trade or save.

Starting point is 00:02:48 Do it on weekends or at 5 a.m. or on Christmas day at 5 a.m. Crypto is finance for everyone, everywhere, all the time. Kraken, see what crypto can be. Not investment advice. Crypto trading involves risk of loss. Kraken's registration details at kraken.com slash legal slash ca dash pru dash disclaimer. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Huh? You guys are in verse.

Starting point is 00:03:14 How many of you have been following the show for a very long time? But you guys are in for a special treat on top of one of the queens of comedy at the Comedy Store and one of the queens of comedy at the comedy store and one of the kings of comedy in New York. Also joining us is the record holder for all time appearances as a guest in the show's history for the first time since the pandemic. Ladies and gentlemen, I am so excited to bring to this stage, Dom Irerra, Eleanor Carrigan, and Rich Voss, everybody.

Starting point is 00:03:48 Make some fucking noise. Dom Irerra. Did we ever find out how many times he's been on the show? 24, 25, 26 times. How about I am for the lovely Heidi as well? Unbelievable. What a squad. How about I hand over the lovely Heidi as well. Unbelievable. What a squad.

Starting point is 00:04:06 And Dom Irera in the motherfucking house. The great Eleanor Carrigan with the new special No Country for Old Women out now on the comedy stores YouTube. Rich Voss dot com for tour dates and unbelievably cool merch and of course Dom Igera. This isn't the belly room. You're not in the belly room anymore Dom. Are you sure? No you got to talk into the mic too. It's a podcast. Thank you nice lady. Dom's killing it without a microphone. It's just me up here laughing. Welcome back, Dom. How about a hand for Dom Iger?

Starting point is 00:04:46 You guys don't fucking know. These Austin kids just started fucking getting into comedy this year because they're hoping Joe Rogan's gonna fucking step on their toes or something like that. Dom, how are you, my friend? Good, I couldn't be better. I mean, look at the people came out to see me

Starting point is 00:05:03 and thanks for faking laughter at these two guys because I'm the baddest motherfucker on earth. He is the baddest motherfucker on earth. God damn right. Eleanor Kerrigan, welcome back. Hi, how are you? Thank you for having me. No Country for Old Women is out now

Starting point is 00:05:15 on the Comedy Store's YouTube. Thank you. And the great Rich Voss is back, ladies and gentlemen. New York Assassin. Thank you. I always have a blast doing this. I'm telling you, I drove from Jersey just to do this. All right, let it go.

Starting point is 00:05:29 I like it. It's kind of sad. You guys know how it works. You've all done this show, especially Dom, more than anybody else ever in this show's history. Over 200, I can't even get my hands around how many fucking people signed up tonight. They're falling out everywhere,

Starting point is 00:05:48 hoping to get their chance on this stage. If they get pulled out, they get 60 seconds of time to do standup comedy. They can literally become famous on this show. You know, their 60 seconds is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Starting point is 00:06:03 And then I interview them, and we find out more about them and what they could talk about. What could be interesting. I've already pre-pulled a name. A person has to run across the street to poor choices, grab them from a group full of comedians, hundreds of comedians and drag them over here. In the meanwhile, let's get the show started with one of our great regulars, everybody. A fucking absolute thunderbolt of energy starts this show every single week now he is a phenom freak of nature on tour with me with William Montgomery most importantly

Starting point is 00:06:35 literally one of the most famous local comedians on planet earth he is a superstar I present to you 60 seconds brand new and uninterrupted from the phenom, Casey Rocket. Ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun. Yeah, all right. Nice day for a wide wedding. Okay, cool. Total silence, we're having fun.

Starting point is 00:07:03 Hell yeah. Get real, all right. God, I feel like shit, I've been doing Ramadan, so I can't eat any Percocet till sundown, so. Hey, old crab's got the meat sweats. All right, very cool, hell yeah, lost you again, God. A lot of people ask me, they say, Titty Boy LaCroix, what's the scariest drug you've ever done?

Starting point is 00:07:30 And I tell them, ladies and gentlemen, the scariest drug I've ever done. I was falling in love. I overdosed on fentanyl last summer. Kept doing it for six more months. Beginner's luck. Get lost. Click, click, boom. Come on now.

Starting point is 00:07:47 Fastest hands in the room. People call me the Floyd Mayweather of the Austin comedy scene. Because I can't read. Okay. That's my time. Thank you. Casey Rockett.

Starting point is 00:08:02 Boom. He did it again. Exactly one minute. That's my time. Thank you. He is a Absolute superstar the rocket man himself Casey rocket has arrived to the scene everybody another Fantastic minute that Floyd Mayweather joke. Absolutely. You don't laugh at that. You might as well fucking leave. There's people in a standby line hoping some people leave early on in the show. Unbelievable. Rich, you ever seen anything like that before? I'll tell you, when I saw that missing tooth,

Starting point is 00:08:32 I thought you were a boxer. Ha ha ha ha ha. Casey, you are the man. You've been killing it. You sell out locally. You've been on the road crushing. How's the road been treating you? It's been good. Been on the road, went to Philly, rally, made a couple of paper.

Starting point is 00:08:48 I'm all about my paper. I, okay, it's been fun. Been riffing around the globe, putting my money away, putting away in stocks, investing. Riffing, thank you. Big stock. Yeah, it's been fun.

Starting point is 00:09:03 You're investing in stocks? Yep. My two investing in stocks? Yep, by two passions in life, stocks. Worms from Dune. Uh... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh, one worm freak out there. Love to see it, very scary. But yeah, I've been putting money away. So I thought it might be interesting for the interview if I could pitch some stocks to you guys. Some stocks have been, that sound good to everybody?

Starting point is 00:09:35 I'd pitch you a couple stocks, okay? Yeah, I like this. Let me go grab, Tony got me a Walgreens gift card so I visualized some of these stocks I've been putting money in. I've been getting 10-fold, 20-fold my money. So I'm gonna show you guys a couple stocks real quick okay he's gonna grab his uh Walgreens photos this is a

Starting point is 00:09:52 seminar oh my goodness wow this is incredible this is a true presentation I don't think we've ever had anything like this on this show before, ever. We've been doing this show 11 years. I've never, oh my god, he has a jacket. Oh my god. Oh yeah. He's more of a writer. So, as most of you know, stocks are big this time of year. Especially around the holidays.

Starting point is 00:10:25 I've been, these are a couple of stocks. I've got two stock picks. If you guys pick on these stocks, I have no affiliation with them whatsoever. Doesn't matter to me. But you can make a pretty big coin. Stock number one. No.

Starting point is 00:10:42 Stock number one. This is car racks. So, it's kind of like truck nuts, but it's tits for cars. So, it's boobs for cars, that's about it, but it's $2,500 for each boob. So, nice even five grand. There's a PG-13 version, this one's for moms. So it's got a little bra on it.

Starting point is 00:11:07 It's kind of sexy to think about around the holidays. That's incredible. So this one actually, this is actually a good one. This is Scream powered cars. So this is Monster's Inc. technology. So that's Mike Wazowski, founder, CEO of Scream Inc. It's actually Shrink Automotive, Screek Automotive, Screek Smodimotive.

Starting point is 00:11:31 It's Scream Daily Smodilogin, and that's Mike Lebisky, he's CEO, founder. Scream in the car, it's like a Tesla, you don't charge it, just give it a good scream, and then you'll get 100 miles per scream, guaranteed. $5,000 per car. Wow. Not bad.

Starting point is 00:11:50 These are, so yeah, this is just a continuation of Screek Automatic. And so this is, you can get a couple ghosts on your team. You could fucking go from here to rally overnight. Pretty cool. This is number two. This is only the second stock. I'm only on the second one. So. We love it. Take your time, Casey. This is number two, this is only the second stock, I'm only on the second one.

Starting point is 00:12:05 So, uh. We love it, take your time Casey, this is amazing. Going faster, this is 1 in 100 guns for goose. So, uh, basically it's me and my friend Brandon, if you give me $100 we will give a goose a gun. Whatever happens after that just depends on how well you treated the goose before we met you. Uh oh, bonus stock. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:12:35 There's one bonus stock, so technically it's three stocks. This one's actually pretty exciting. This is upscale unhoused. So this is kind of, for too long, we've seen homeless people who aren't that sexy. Yeah. I kind of want to put an end to that. So this is for $19 a day for three weeks,

Starting point is 00:12:57 you can give fishnets to a homeless person, and they will stay outside your business, they will stay outside your apartment, they will stay outside your apartment, and they're gonna be a little bit hotter than you remember them being at. Before they put on the, so that's my stock, so pretty cool to pick up. Unbelievable presentation.

Starting point is 00:13:18 In the history of the show, I've never seen anything quite like it. So how much is it to put fishnets on a homeless person? Oh, I should know. It was $19 a day for three weeks, wasn't it? I never forget. I work hand in hand with these companies free of charge. An unbelievable deal.

Starting point is 00:13:38 I would definitely like to invest. Anybody, Eleanor? Yeah, I think it's like Carrot Top on meth. We need to sell this to Vegas. This is great, I love this. The stock, I'm in, $19, how many, three weeks? Three weeks, so 21 days, so that's $1,800 plus more. I wanna see nuts in a fishnet.

Starting point is 00:13:55 Yeah. Rich Voss. I'd rather invest in property in Gaza. You don't wanna see a homeless person shit through fishnets, that'd be amazing. property in Gaza. You don't want to see a homeless person's shit through fish nets? That'd be amazing. I don't have that kind of money. Go ahead, Dom.

Starting point is 00:14:12 Dom Herrera. What was I saying? I don't know. Yes. No, I mean, seriously, you learn about stocks and you still enjoy yourself. It's either hilarity, isn't that? I didn't know that, thank you, thank you sir.

Starting point is 00:14:27 I didn't know all these little details, plus I learned more jokes. Thank you. You know, you are phenomenal, you are phenomenal. I mean, I grew up watching you and I love your stuff. Yeah. Dom thinks you're Robin Williams right now, so that's a big compliment, that's a big compliment.

Starting point is 00:14:43 We're not gonna tell him, we're not gonna tell gonna tell them about one more time for Robin Williams ladies and gentlemen absolutely thank you seriously make some fucking noise for KC Rocket everybody and like that the show has begun and immediately we moved to the bucket now this is where anything can happen now Now, sometimes it's a crazy person. It's terrible. Sometimes it's someone that is ready to become a superstar. It could be anywhere in between. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted,

Starting point is 00:15:15 and then we talk to them. Oh, look who has real boobs in his hands for the first time ever. Wow, look at that. You're going to be sucking on those when this lesbian leaves you. I love it. Wow, look at that. You're gonna be sucking on those when this lesbian leaves you. I love it. She's actually gonna get more turned on by the car racks than you.

Starting point is 00:15:33 I can tell. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, I'm pretty sure this is a brand new name. I would recognize it. Make some noise for your first comedian out of the bucket. Anything can happen. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Q Rose, everyone. Q Rose, starting the show. Here we go.

Starting point is 00:15:51 Hey, how's everybody doing tonight? Y'all right? Y'all give it up for me and my girl for three and a half years. Just found out we about to have a baby. Yeah. Kinda makes you feel bad about to have a baby. Yeah. Kinda makes you feel bad about cheating I've been doing lately. I'm just playing y'all.

Starting point is 00:16:10 I don't feel bad. I love it being here in Texas, man. I'm from Texas, man. Our racism here is just far superior than other states, man, I'm telling you. It's because it's big and small at the same time. You know what I'm saying? Like I went to an all-white neighborhood.

Starting point is 00:16:27 I went to all black high school, right? And we had one white guy join the football team, right? And we called him White Mike. It took me years to realize there were no other Michaels on the team. We could've just called him, I don't know, just Mike. And it'd been good. All I'm saying is, what even the worst nickname we had, right?

Starting point is 00:16:46 We had a messing guy join team, right? And we just called him Mexico. And when his cousin joined team, we just called him New Mexico, so. Really messed up when I graduated, found out them niggas was Puerto Rican, it was bad. All right, thank you, I'm Q Rose, thanks for listening. Q Rose making his full Tony debut. Hell. I'm Q Rose. Thanks for listening. Q Rose making his full Tony debut.

Starting point is 00:17:06 Hell yeah. Welcome Q Rose. How long have you been doing stand-up for? I've been doing stand-up probably about seven years. I started out from Philly. Seven years from Philly. I love it. Eleanor and Dom are both originally from Philly. I'm from Dallas, but I started out in Philly. Oh, okay. Now they hate you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:23 You had everything going for you. With a passion. Wanted to get that Dallas love, and it's not happening. Nah, go birds, it's cool, you know what I'm saying? There you go. But Cowboys first. Okay, very good.

Starting point is 00:17:32 All right, I can't remember. I'll be all right. Okay, Q Rose. How's the Bob Marley movie doing for you now? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. About as good as whatever old movie you watch. Oh, shit. An attempt at a roast joke there by Q Rose that fell completely flat.

Starting point is 00:17:55 So you've been doing stand-up for about seven years, originally from Philly. Are you really, do you really have a baby on the way? Actually, no, she's about to be seven now. Oh, shit. Oh, been doing that joke since you started, huh? Oh, busted. Busted. Out here doing his fucking gold material.

Starting point is 00:18:15 Seven years of fucking sheen on that joke. I love my baby. I'm going to keep talking about her forever. I love it. Seven years, and you're still in her life. Uh, no. Absolutely incredible, unprecedented. Amazing. Nah, I beat the stereotype, we good.

Starting point is 00:18:31 I love it, I love it, I love it. And you're still with the baby mama as well? Mm, okay. Right up. Yeah. And we're back. Here we go. Something other than theotype, it appears.

Starting point is 00:18:47 Where's she at? Where's the baby mama? Uh, nah, nah, she's up in Detroit. You know, we met in the military, so... Oh, you met in the military? What branch of the military were you in? Air Force. I'm an Air Force veteran. Okay, Black Hawk down? They don't go down.

Starting point is 00:19:04 Black... Well, I mean Kobe Bryant. They don't go down. All right. Black. Well, I mean Kobe Bryant. Oh, no. A helicopter crash joke. Oh. Oh, my goodness. Flag on the play. No Kobe Bryant jokes allowed.

Starting point is 00:19:22 Everyone knows. Anything but Kobe Bryant. It's hard to joke about someone with real talent. Oh yeah. Are you standing up for Kobe right now? Are you defending Kobe from the grave? Against me? Because you're saying I don't have talent?

Starting point is 00:19:37 Uh, I mean... Are you the spokesperson for the corpse of Kobe Bryant right now? I mean, we got a goat in it, you know. You know what I'm saying? He's a goat, he's a goat. Yeah, of what he did. I'd like to see an episode of Kill Kobe. Because this ain't easy.

Starting point is 00:19:58 It's not easy. Nah, nah, it's great. Y'all both great. I'd like to see Kobe do this, right? Not easy. I'm over here. I'm hosting. I'm trying to make jokes, keeping an eye on Red Band.

Starting point is 00:20:10 I've had to use one of those pads. You bring somebody to life with those under the table just in case Dom gives up on us here. Anything can happen. We're having fun tonight. We're goofing around. What is there? I just got a feeling.

Starting point is 00:20:22 So you do a jump shot. I'm a laugh even harder at your jokes. I will fucking ball all over you, dude. You wanna play a game of one on one after this? Do you even play basketball? Oh my goodness, like you look like a referee. Do you? Like, yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:35 I do, I referee and I'm gonna referee our game and I'm gonna call a lot of fouls on you. I would murder you 111 to nothing. I think you would murder me. I don't think you would beat me in basketball. Two different things completely. Two different things. Okay, Q-Rose, so let's talk about it.

Starting point is 00:20:57 You've been doing stand-up. Where do you live now? I live in Dallas. I live in Dallas. How do you make a living? I run an activity center. I own an activity center. I own an activity center. What kind of activity center?

Starting point is 00:21:07 Exactly. Is it a- So you can get a full court basketball in the back court, in the backyard. Oh shit. You know what? If you're running an activity center with a basketball court,

Starting point is 00:21:21 maybe I'll play you in table tennis or something like that instead. I got that too, I'll murder you at beer pong though, for real. Beer pong? Yeah. Okay. Any sport, anything. Nope, absolutely impossible. I'm trying to figure out what I think you could get me at. I'll beat you in paper, scissors, rocks right now.

Starting point is 00:21:36 Are you ready for this? You know how to do it. Now do you go one, two, throw or one, two, three, shoot? Cause you're from Philly and Dallas. Yeah, we'll shoot. I went up north. They do the shoot. They do the shoot. One, two, shoot.

Starting point is 00:21:49 One, two, three, shoot. OK, one, two, three, shoot. OK, like that. OK. Ready? One, two, three, shoot. One, two, three, shoot. OK.

Starting point is 00:22:00 OK, this guy's good. He's trying to get in my head here. All right, this is the part where I win. You know what you're gonna throw? All right, ready? One, two, three, shoot. Boom, it's over. Get out of here.

Starting point is 00:22:12 All right. Q, anything crazy about your life or your history that we should know about you before letting you go? What's the craziest thing about your life? You ever fucking do anything, get in trouble, have any special skills or talents, anything wild? I mean, shoot man, I'ma shoot. We already did shoot and you lost.

Starting point is 00:22:31 Mr. I'll beat you in anything. Oh shit, I just knew you was gonna choose paper because you were so white. But. That is ridiculous. It was wrong, what? That doesn't make any sense whatsoever. It's always, it's like, black comics love talking about,

Starting point is 00:22:50 white people crazy, they pay taxes. Yeah. I'm an Air Force veteran. Thank you for your taxes, all of you. That is true, that is true. We love you for the Air Force thing. Okay, Q Rose, well, welcome to the show. Congratulations.

Starting point is 00:23:07 Fun times. How, I can't even remember what your set was like. Is it like, what, what do we think? Oh, really? Red Band's itching to the little joke book. Here you go, my friend. There he goes, Q Rose, everybody. All right, and like that, it's on.

Starting point is 00:23:22 The show has begun. You guys get it? Everybody having fun? Yeah! Hello there. This episode of Kill Tony is sponsored by Talkspace. Do you think seeing a therapist or psychiatrist would be helpful, but you don't have the time

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Starting point is 00:26:22 ready to launch, go to www.squarespace.com slash kill Tony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. All right, pull another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Mike Ryan. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Mike Ryan. Here he is. I don't like to make assumptions about people,

Starting point is 00:26:44 but I feel like every time I've seen a homeless guy on a bicycle, they stole that bicycle. If you don't believe me, next time you see a homeless guy on a bicycle, just yell, how's my fucking bike? And just see how they react. I got in a fight with a homeless guy one time. I was working at this club and he reached over the balcony and he grabbed this girl's ass, so I had to shoo him away. See how they react? I got in a fight with a homeless guy one time. I was working at this club and he reached over the balcony

Starting point is 00:27:07 and grabbed this girl's ass so I had to shoo him away. As I was shooing him away he said, hey you fat motherfucker, I'm gonna come back next week and I'm gonna kick your ass. I just went about my day because he's a homeless guy. But he came back the next week. Looked like he put the crack pipe down because he gained about 30 pounds of solid muscle.

Starting point is 00:27:25 His hands were taped up like a professional boxer and his shadow boxed all the way up to me. I did the only thing a reasonable human being could do in that situation, and I hit him with a bottle. And then I stole his bike. As I was riding away, somebody yelled, hey, that's my fucking bike!

Starting point is 00:27:42 Thanks, guys. Ha ha! Woo! OK, 57 seconds from Mike Ryan, doing a little homeless people with bicycles thing. How's it going, Mike? It's good. How you doing, Tony? You've been on this show before, correct? Three weeks ago. How did that go for you?

Starting point is 00:27:56 Remind me. What happened? I got the big book. I did a secret show. Cam Patterson stopped me in the street, told me I was funny as fuck, booked me for The Regulars two weeks ago, and I'm on it again tomorrow. Wow, incredible.

Starting point is 00:28:09 And this all started because of that appearance three weeks ago. Yeah, a lot's changed in three weeks. Tell me what else has changed in three weeks. You look five pounds heavier. Yeah. Thanks. Thank you, thank you.

Starting point is 00:28:21 Now I'm on Ozempic, so I'm actually down like 50 pounds. Whoa, okay, what else has changed in the last three weeks? So, like, I'd only been doing it three and a half months at the time. Now it's been four months. So I'd only done open mics up until that point. And now I'm getting booked. I actually organized my own show in Houston. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:28:41 On the 20th, it sold out in seven hours. Wow. You sold out a out in seven hours. Wow. You sold out a show in seven hours? I mean, how did you do that? I was a promoter for 12 years and a rapper. A rapper? Yeah. Did I have you rap three weeks ago?

Starting point is 00:28:57 Yeah. OK, well, rap again. Let's rap again. I want to hear you rap. I don't even remember. All right, one, two, one, oh. Oh, they're holding me up on this one. Matt Mueling's scared.

Starting point is 00:29:09 Oh, shit. The microphone killer used to be a dope dealer. Now I'm just a ron spiller. Couldn't be realer if I tried. Don't lie. And if I got to die, I'd probably be a homicide. Because I'm from Houston. It's gruesome.

Starting point is 00:29:23 The city be a threesome or a twosome. I'm a motherfucking nuisance on this beat, yeah. I'm bout to do it like you've never seen it. I can't understand what you're, hold on, stop it, stop. Can you guys understand what he's saying? Right, nobody can understand. The bass and the drums, it's a little bit too loud. Why don't we try it again?

Starting point is 00:29:40 A little bit softer guys, a little bit lower. But, and you enunciate a little bit harder. You just bit lower but then you and you and then see it a little bit harder do you want to do it let's fucking do it acapella then the band sounds fantastic much better than the best band of all time I love you guys all right you pandering motherfucker I say that the best huh the microphone killer used to be a dope dealer. Now I'm just a ron spieler. Couldn't be realer if I tried, don't lie.

Starting point is 00:30:10 And if I got to die, probably be a homicide because I'm from Houston. It's gruesome. The city be a threesome or a twosome. I'm a motherfucking nuisance on this beat year. This is all memorized, correct? Yeah, this is, yeah. Yeah, this is incredible.

Starting point is 00:30:23 I could do this in my fucking sleep. Do you know that? I could do what rappers do in my sleep. Yeah. Tony, you're the best, man. I hate to pander again, but goddamn it. It's just kind of incredible, right? I mean, they come up with all this stuff, you know.

Starting point is 00:30:37 I'm better than you in every way. The shirts, the pants, the socks. I just beat a black guy in paper, scissors, rock. So, so. Shut up. And you're interrupting, you're literally interrupting me while I rap. You don't even fuck, unbelievable. Did you see that?

Starting point is 00:30:50 I just housed him while he's talking to me. No, that's actually, I wanted to, so when I did the secret show... Go ahead, squeeze this shoehorn in your thing. Guys, stop playing. This guy has to say whatever the fuck he's about to say right now. The ozempic is going to your brain, dude. This guy just lost a pound of brain cells while he was up here, go ahead. When I did Secret Show, you showed up in the green room

Starting point is 00:31:13 and you and your entourage were all wearing matching jackets and it was like the coolest thing I'd ever seen and you walked in and you just fucking roasted everybody in the room and then left. What matching jackets the fuck are you talking about? Every time somebody's like, hey, I need to just tell this story. They just go into some made up shit.

Starting point is 00:31:31 No, dude, you had the, they were wearing family and friends Kill Tony jackets. OK, that's not matching jackets. Oh, it was really good. I thought it was really fucking cool, dude. I'm sorry, I was trying to give you your flowers. How many people were in this entree? How do you remember this story?

Starting point is 00:31:43 You remember four people, me coming in with four people and we're all wearing the same jacket. No, three of you were in the same jacket. One of them wasn't okay. Outsider. It was cool man, like watching your whole story that you interrupted my rap for is I was wearing the same jacket as two producers of the show. Holly, I needed is I was wearing the same jacket as two producers of this show, Pauly Shore. Oh my God! Come in here. Oh my God!

Starting point is 00:32:07 I needed backup. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! I know you're supposed to... What's up you guys, how's it going?

Starting point is 00:32:17 Pauly Shore ladies and gentlemen, Comedy Store royalty has arrived. I know you said you were supposed to bring me out when you said a certain word, but fuck this guy, dude. They didn't have matching shit, dude. I was fucking there, bro. It wasn't matching. By the way, it's a fucking Kill Tony jacket. He says it like we all came in wearing like fucking jumpsuits, like we're about to break dance or something like that.

Starting point is 00:32:40 You and your entourage came in. I thought it was cool as fuck, dude. Watching you like... It's the show. It's the show that you're on. Yeah, I get it, yeah. Okay. But watching you roast a room full of people, it was like watching Da Vinci paint, bro. I mean, I was just, I love roast and it was just really cool.

Starting point is 00:32:56 I just wanna give you flowers in the bro. You know what? You're the best performer I've ever seen in my entire life. Mike, there you go. You got a big joke book last time. Guess what, buddy? You're leaving with a small one this time. Go do something with it. Mike Ryan, everybody.

Starting point is 00:33:10 Now, I'm done rapping. I'm retiring forever. It hurt my brain, straight to the gullet. I just got told a fake story by a guy with a mullet. I bet he has bad breath. Here's Heidi with liquid death. Alright. You're stupid. Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds uninterrupted

Starting point is 00:33:34 for Brian T. Lakata everybody. Brian T. Lakata. What's up guys? What's up? How are you? So I just got married recently, right? And my wife, what's up, how are you? So I just got married recently, right? And my wife, she's dubbed it a modern, traditional relationship, right?

Starting point is 00:33:49 And that means she's got the job, but I still had to buy the engagement ring, right? You know, and you know, I'm worried about it, right? You know, cause I don't want to get divorced. And I'm talking to one of my real ginzo, you know, Italian friends, right? And he was like, he was like, yo dude, how are you possibly gonna stay with her forever, right?

Starting point is 00:34:11 And I was like, I'm not, you know, like statistically speaking, there's absolutely no way that I'm gonna make it to the end of this thing, right? And, ah. You're just sitting in stocks. Wait, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Alright, alright, alright. You don't understand. But no, right? So I'm in this modern

Starting point is 00:34:30 traditional relationship with her. And I was, you know, she's so modern, right? And I'm so traditional. She's so modern that she paid for this trip, right? And I'm traditional, so if she didn't pay for it,

Starting point is 00:34:45 I would've hit her, you know? Woo! No, shut up. Brian. Zero laughs, sir. What was supposed to happen there, exactly? Well, you know, I was in town for one more night and I didn't have much to do, so I've been known.

Starting point is 00:35:01 So you signed up for a show where people do stand-up comedy? Yeah. Eleanor Carrigan. I'm working on my writing show where people do stand up comedy? Yeah. Yeah. So I'm working on my writing. Yeah, I'm working on a very, very difficult video. That's my tech guy. He does my videos. Are you fucking serious? Are you serious?

Starting point is 00:35:14 Your tech guy signed up and just ate a pile of hot shit on the show? Well, I mean, at least I got called. You didn't know you were going to get called? Yeah, no one knows they're going to get called. Have you ever seen the show before? No. I'm gonna put you through ten minutes of fucking hell.

Starting point is 00:35:29 That's what I'm gonna do. That's what I'm gonna do. I am so sick of this fucking shit. I thought it was gonna go good. I'm gonna practice my writing. Why don't you practice your fucking writing before coming on a show with a million people watching? You fucking numbnuts. So what do you do? You're a video editor?

Starting point is 00:35:44 Yeah, and a video producer. Oh, a producer as well. I make videos. What the fuck are you producing? What do you make with your imagination, with your fucking brain? Tell me what you produce. I'm producing Dom's podcast and-

Starting point is 00:35:55 Dom's podcast. What? What? That's why he was interrupting. That's why he was interrupting. That's why he was interrupting. That's why he was interrupting. That's why he was interrupting. What's my name? What's my name?

Starting point is 00:36:07 What the fuck were you thinking? He's trying to get viewers. He's trying to get viewers. What the fuck was this? I'm trying to get viewers. Dom? Dom! Is this, this is your right hand man, Dom? No! Was, was, was.

Starting point is 00:36:29 I don't know what he was thinking. This is absolutely incredible. So you've never tried stand-up comedy before? I've done two minutes before. Where did you do two minutes before? I don't really want to talk about it. Well, I don't care. You signed a first fucking show.

Starting point is 00:36:42 I did two minutes on a show in Atlantic City. This is his mother's cunt. This one. This thing on. I have a feeling a lot of guys have done two minutes and this guy's mother's cunt. Oh! Okay.

Starting point is 00:37:00 So, Brian, you signed up for the show. What did you think was going to happen? What's the best that could have fucking happened? What did you think this show was? Well, I knew what it was, and I knew I was gonna bomb, but I was hoping to get the opportunity to at least come out here and see that I probably shouldn't do stand-up anymore.

Starting point is 00:37:15 But you also know that after the minute, I interview people. Oh, yeah. And I find out more about them. So why don't you tell me one fucking interesting thing about you? I wanna know, because I know a lot of fucking video editors.

Starting point is 00:37:28 And let me tell you, some of the most boring fucking dull people I've ever met in my entire goddamn life. Okay, so you might find this interesting. I used to shoot crystal meth in my neck. Oh wow, okay. Now we're getting somewhere. You do it.

Starting point is 00:37:40 You used to, you used to, you used to, you used to. You do have a big fucking neck, so. Right here. You look like a big fucking neck, so. Right here. You look like a fucking Argonaut. Uh, incredible. Um, absolutely. D-Madness, are you on a phone call right now? What the fuck is going on with this show tonight?

Starting point is 00:38:03 This motherfucker is on a fucking phone call. I got your guys' fucking video editor signing up for the goddamn show. 220 souls dying to get on this show, signing up every week. Some fucking editor from L.A. I was just here for one more day, Tonya. Jersey, Jersey.

Starting point is 00:38:23 Oh, you live in Jersey? Yes. So how do you do Oh, you live in Jersey? Yes. So you, how do you do Dom's podcast from New Jersey? We produce it online. Oh my god, I hate you more and more every second that takes place. Well, it's just because Dom doesn't want us together in the same room. Shut the fuck up, Brian. I'm listening, I'm listening.

Starting point is 00:38:40 So they send you the raw video file? How does this work exactly? No, we shoot it all together online and then I cut it up together. It's Zoom. And then you say that you produce that. Mm-hmm. So somebody sets up Dom's camera for him, right?

Starting point is 00:38:57 And you sit there and you hit record on the Zoom, and that makes you a producer? Well, it's really more of the editing aspect is what it comes into. Okay, so what do you edit? Well, you know, some words that you're not allowed to say anymore so we just make sure those don't go into the show. I've heard some of the words that Dom says. You actually have a lot of work on your hands.

Starting point is 00:39:18 He deserves a raise. Can I tell them, the next act is my real estate agent? Yeah. It is incredible. It's unbelievable, Brian. What do you think the funniest thing you've ever done in your entire life is? Probably bomb here.

Starting point is 00:39:35 No. Come on. The funniest thing. I mean, seriously, here you are. You signed up for a comedy show. And I love this. You know, what I get a lot of is what I what I what I've heard a lot is that you know what I hate what Tony does is when somebody fucking signs up that didn't prepare and didn't do good

Starting point is 00:39:54 Tony and Tony stands sits there and he interviews them he should just get rid of them immediately but I think the exact fucking opposite Brian I want to keep you up here and squeeze the absolute life out of you. I want to send you back to Jersey. The saddest human. Thank you. You're bombed again, Brian. Every word you say, every time you say anything, you're worse. You're digging yourself a deeper hole. I'm going to make sure that every time you're on, you're on dating apps and things like that, you have a girlfriend. No, you definitely didn't listen.

Starting point is 00:40:25 I'm gonna make this your bio for dating apps and things like that. I'm gonna force this upon you. I'm gonna make fake Brian LaCotta. Tinder profiles? Yeah, yeah. And this is gonna be your fucking bio, is this interview. So tell me the most interesting thing about you, Brian.

Starting point is 00:40:43 Right now. Don't do it, don't do now. The most interesting thing about you. Don't do it, don't do it. I don't do it. It's a trap. That's it. The most interesting thing about me is... Hmm.

Starting point is 00:40:56 There's just so many things. There's just so many things that I just think about. Oh look, he's moving around. It's like an unfunny KC Rocket, everybody. It's the Challenger Rocket. Wow, look at him. Look at the sadness. Searching for the words. Oh, this is getting worse and worse.

Starting point is 00:41:20 Make it stop. You know what? You know what? I'm going to do something we've never done on this show before. Kerry Mitchell is the head of food and beverage here. How about a hand for Kerry? I'm going to make an order that we've never had before. Can I have a syringe of crystal meth? We're going to inject your neck one more time and we're going to have you, actually

Starting point is 00:41:44 I know a guy that drove here from Jersey, so Rich, you're gonna have to give him a ride home. The good news is you'll be able to drive when you get tired. I have 38 years sober, after that I want to get high. And fucking, he just fucked up my whole fucking life. It's unbelievable. Brian, you're not allowed to sign up for the show for the rest of your life.

Starting point is 00:42:08 I don't ever want to see you again. I'm going to make sure Dom fires you. I'm going to make sure Eleanor fires you. You'll never work in show business. And by show business, I mean recording other people's Zoom podcasts again. Blacklisted, Tony? Blacklisted. Here it is.

Starting point is 00:42:26 Actually, you get no joke book, no keychain, no Harry situation book. You get nothing. I want you to leave. I want you to never come back. You go back to poor choices across the street and you stay there. I want security to handle this. He's not

Starting point is 00:42:42 allowed to hang out. Way to promote. Thank you. Well. Thank you. What the fuck were you thinking? Look at this. My flight isn't until tomorrow. What?

Starting point is 00:42:55 I said my flight wasn't until tomorrow. Okay. Very good, Brian. I hate you with every ounce inside of me. I can't stand you. You're one of the worst human beings in the history of this show. You're terrible.

Starting point is 00:43:10 I like your gold chain though. You can leave that. There he goes, Brian LaCotta. Get him out of here. Don't clap. Don't clap. Hold. Hold silence.

Starting point is 00:43:21 Do not encourage that at all. Fuck. I am sorry. I will have him execute it. I apologize. I fucking hate it. Well, you can't hang him with that neck. It's unbelievable. If you could see, I mean, like, William Montgomery signed up

Starting point is 00:43:39 for a whole year without getting up. Well, assholes like that are getting pulled out of the bucket. So there's only one way to bring the show back to life again. Ladies and gentlemen, we have another regular. He is a sensation, a force of nature. Make some noise for Kill Tony's Own, Cam Patterson, everybody. ["Kill Tony's Own"] ["Kill Tony's Own"]

Starting point is 00:44:00 ["Kill Tony's Own"] ["Kill Tony's Own"] ["Kill Tony's Own"] ["Kill Tony's Own"] I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man.

Starting point is 00:44:10 I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man.

Starting point is 00:44:18 I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna it was bad, because my minute ain't gonna be great. All right, let's get it up. Let's get into it. I've been trying this shit all week, and nobody been laughing,

Starting point is 00:44:28 but I got a haircut, and I'm pissed off about it. I look like a bitch, man. I look like a real fuck nigga right now. I used to look like a real screep nigga, man. Now I look like a white lady got her hands on like a rock wallah or something, and painting his nails blue.

Starting point is 00:44:42 I feel like a real fuck nigga right now. My mama told me, I look like a real screep nigga, man. Not like a white lady got her hands on like a Rottweiler or something and painting his nails blue. I feel like a real fuck nigga right now. My mama told me I should do it, thought it would be a good idea, but I shouldn't trust that bitch. She's a horrible person. She had me getting bald-faced

Starting point is 00:44:56 until I was like in seventh grade. She not a good person to talk about with hair, you know what I'm saying? Okay, I told her I wasn't gonna be great. What'd I say? I said it. Somebody told my little you I wasn't gonna be great. What I said? I said it. Somebody told me I looked like a high school musical basketball star.

Starting point is 00:45:07 That pissed me the fuck off. They sounded like the black Corbin Blue. That nigga already black, dog. He's already a nigga. It can't be a black nigga. It's already a nigga already, man. That shit, I look like that when episode of SpongeBob.

Starting point is 00:45:22 He's like, I'm normal, goof ass nigga. I'm done. And I... Pam Patterson. An unbelievable minute after Brian LaCotta. No, no, no, no, no. Dominic, no. No, you're not allowed to say the N-word, Dom.

Starting point is 00:45:41 We're going to have Brian edit it out if you do. Can we just think it? No, yes, you can not allowed to say the N word, Dom. Yeah. Uh, we're gonna have Brian edit it out if you do. Can you just think it? No, yes, you can think it, Dom. I give you permission to think the N word right now. What's that? That's... I love the haircut, Cam. Where did you get it done at?

Starting point is 00:45:59 Where did you go? Did you go to a white barber? No, no, no, no. I went to a black barber, but he like, I told him to take a little bit off the top, and he just got fucking trigger happy, dawg. Yeah. And it started going crazy.

Starting point is 00:46:10 He did a good job, but I do look like a young man. I don't like that. A black guy getting trigger happy? Was it a drive-by haircut? It was, brrr. It was bad, bro. I mean, I like it, it's great. It'll get better. It's cool. It was bad, bro. I mean, I like it. It's great.

Starting point is 00:46:26 It'll get better. It's cool. For some reason, I can't remember. What was your hair like before? This is like so different. Yeah. Oh, wait a minute, nigga. Wait a minute.

Starting point is 00:46:36 Please explain to me why it was fucked up. It was twist. It was two strand twist. Oh, that's right. Yeah. What the fuck about that? I don't know. This one, like, it got mended and blacked.

Starting point is 00:46:44 It like erased my memory of what your hair was like before. I'm just scanning for a bald person to take the blame. I want to know why Dee said that was fucked up. You very rarely, of all the shit that I say up here, you very rarely say that's fucked up. I'm excited to hear why me not remembering what his hair was like before is fucked up. Is that a racial thing?

Starting point is 00:47:00 You tore off this brother every week. He's your number one black man every week. You can't remember that his hair used to hang past his earring too. So full. I'm going to... Every time you take my mic, thank you so much. All of that.

Starting point is 00:47:21 You are correct. You are correct. Thank you, sir. You are correct. Yeah! See that? I don't know. You are correct. You are correct. You are correct. You are correct. My number two and my number three black men are all behind me. How dare I forget what my number one black man's hair

Starting point is 00:47:35 was like before. Now you got a little twist in the front. I think you got a twist. Yeah, my hair curled, I got good hair now. Okay. I got good hair, you know what I'm saying? I got great hair. Okay, what do you do to it?

Starting point is 00:47:43 How does that work? Do you wear one of those like head things at night? Nah, water. Not with this. Nah, I got good help. What do you do to it? How does that work? Do you wear do you wear one of those like head things at night? No water now with this now, I just straight I wet that be I put a little moisturizer in it and I just hit You know what I'm saying? We don't play crazy. All right, all right. I got you. All right, now.

Starting point is 00:48:10 I fuck cougars, all right. Oh, hell yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely. White cougar meet black panther. This is incredible. A meeting of the minds over here. I'll take his rocks out of his pocket.

Starting point is 00:48:26 Oh shit! Oh shit! Wait a minute, man. Wait a minute, man. Now I'm scared. Now I got nervous. Wait a minute, I got cold feet. I love it. What else is going on, Cam? What else is exciting in life? Anything else? Ain't shit just been running around. My IT, my IT is not exciting. My IT been out in the hospital, my IT, been running around. My auntie is not excited.

Starting point is 00:48:45 My auntie been out of the hospital. My auntie is in the hospital. I've been going back home, checking on my auntie and shit. So your auntie is in and out of the hospital with diabetes? No, not that. I mean, that is one of the things, but not the one. God damn. I thought I heard diabetes. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:49:00 It was a little bit... I don't know the translator here. Don keeps mumbling the N-word, so I'm having trouble hearing right now. Motherfucking... Motherfucking... The audio in my right ear is a little bit muffled right now. He's thinking it's so hard that I can hear it. I know his lips are moving, but he's thinking the N-word so hard that I can hear it. I know his lips are moving, but he's thinking the N word so hard

Starting point is 00:49:27 that I can physically hear it. He just said he can see it on the back of his head. It's appearing like some type of digital artwork or something like that. I won't even say the letter anymore. I'll just say, you know what? I'm not allowed to say it. Have you ever been called the N word by a white guy?

Starting point is 00:49:48 Yeah. Where's that happen? I mean, my guy, when I was in seventh grade, a white boy called me a nigga and me and my homeboys almost killed him. Yeah. What did you do? Huh? We just beat the fuck out of them on the steps.

Starting point is 00:50:06 I can't fight real good, but my homeboys can fight real good. So when they got them on the ground, started kicking the shit out of them. Teamwork made the dream work, baby. You feel me? Absolutely, 100%. 100%, well we love it Cam,

Starting point is 00:50:20 another fantastic performance. You did it again, brought the show right back to life like he always does. The phenom, Cam Patterson, back at it again. Hey y'all, if you're tired of harsh smoking, coughing attacks, or chugging water after every rip, it's time to upgrade to an icy freeze pipe. Freeze pipe's unique line of freezable glass pieces

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Starting point is 00:51:12 then I wake up and I smoke that sucker it's sitting right next to me. It's like my dreams come true. That is an incredible story Redban. Hey did you know freeze pipe is American-owned and has over 100,000 happy customers visit the freeze pipe.com and use code kill Tony for 10% off your entire order That's the freeze pipe comm and use code kill Tony for 10% off Shop today and get free shipping and say goodbye to harsh smoke forever Do you follow automotive news or do you just like cars and want to see what the heck's going on? Well, then you might like donut media's new podcast The Big Three. Hi, I'm James Pumphrey.

Starting point is 00:51:49 And every week, me and my co-hosts slash two of my top five friends, Nolan Sykes and Joe Weber unpack the latest and greatest in automotive news and trends on The Big Three. You'll also get a lot of laughs, hot takes, and personal insight on cars from the biggest car guys in automotive media. So whether you're a hardcore enthusiast or just a person who goes, that's a good looking car, check out The Big Three, available wherever you get your podcasts, or you can watch the full videos at Donut Podcasts on YouTube. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:24 The best. at Donut Podcasts on YouTube. Hell yeah, the best. Oh, you want the chain back? Oh shit. Make some noise for your next comedian, Biddy O'Loughlin, everybody. This is what we say, though. Woo woo woo! One more time, everybody, for Biddy O'Loughlin everyone.

Starting point is 00:52:46 Make some noise for Biddy everyone. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Hi. Hi, my name's Biddy, I'm from Australia and my pronouns are fuck off. I'm Irish Australian and I don't drink anymore so my ancestors are pissed. And they're pissed.

Starting point is 00:53:05 I'm a single mom. I can't drink anymore, so my ancestors are pissed. And they're pissed. I'm a single mom. I didn't find out the sex of my baby when I was pregnant, but I was kinda hoping for a miscarriage. At 20 weeks I was convinced I was having a boy, because I was sitting on the couch still waiting for him to make a move. And at 10 weeks I didn't get that test to find out if my baby had Down syndrome because I didn't care. I would have raised it. If my kid had an extra

Starting point is 00:53:34 chromosome I would have taught it to say funny things like when people say we met before they could go now I've just got one of those faces. I had a beautiful girl and I called her Dolly because she likes singing and boobs. Her first word was data. I was like, where? I would... There you go. All the time for Biddy, everybody. Biddy O'Laughlin. Great Kill Tony debut. Welcome, welcome.

Starting point is 00:54:14 Very funny. I could tell by your performance that you do not edit any videos. Remember that idiot? All right. Biddy, welcome. How long you been doing standup? I started 14 years ago,

Starting point is 00:54:27 but then I had like a nine year break after a couple of years, and I just got back into it before the pandemic. 14 years, what made you take a nine year break? Well, I fell into bed with too many comedians and developed alcoholism. Ah, okay. And your alcoholism stopped your comedy?

Starting point is 00:54:48 No, the alcoholism kept going, but I stopped doing comedy and, you know, stayed away from comedians. Cheers. Gotcha, absolutely. Yeah, imagine how many drinks it would take to fuck this guy, incredible. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:55:01 So Biddy, you still live in Australia? I do. Okay. What part? Adelaide. Very nice. And is there a comedy club there? There are two and I don't get on one of them. Right. What are they called again? The Ryna Room and the Cranker. The Cranker?

Starting point is 00:55:19 The Cranker. Okay. And what do you do for a living? I go busking on the streets, like singing for money, and I have single mother benefits at the moment. Busking? Yeah. So that's like street art? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:55:35 Okay, can you give us an example of what you do out on the streets? How many of you wanna see what Biddy does on the streets right now? Just a little showcase of your talents here. Well, I don't have my guitar with me. You play guitar? Yeah, I play guitar and sing.

Starting point is 00:55:49 Like acoustic or electric? Acoustic. Can you play with an electric? Yeah. You can? I guess so. Would it be good? Why do you say no?

Starting point is 00:55:58 No, it'd be shit. Okay, so you need a guitar. Yeah. You can't just sing. Oh, I can sing. Okay. Can you tell us what chords are playing you tell us what chords you're playing? You know what chords you're singing?

Starting point is 00:56:07 Oh gosh. I'm gonna end up doing this better than you. This is a theme tonight. Anything you can do, I can do better. Do you know? Do you know? Do you know, uh, do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you know?

Starting point is 00:56:26 Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Do you know? Red band's already got your Instagram up. He's looking at videos of you singing on the street. I've actually followed her for a while. Yeah, I know who she is.

Starting point is 00:56:35 Wow. Look at that. Creepy. So creepy. This is my partner, everybody. 11 years we've been doing this together. How did you end up following her, do you know? She was recommended by somebody recently.

Starting point is 00:56:53 How'd you meet that guy? At the comedy store in London many years ago. It's a bullshit place. Yeah, it's not a real comedy store. No, it's not. A lot of people don't know that. It just stole the name from a very famous comedy club, The Comedy Store in LA. Very odd that they would call themselves that,

Starting point is 00:57:15 a very bold maneuver. I wonder what this story is with that. Probably allowed to do it because they're British and fucking. International. Yeah. Weird. It's in Australia as well, right?

Starting point is 00:57:25 Yeah, they got one in Sydney. The comedy store in Sydney? Mm-hmm. God, bunch of unoriginal-ass countries. It's incredible. Can't come up with a single fucking idea on your own. That's why we dominate you with our military any time we want.

Starting point is 00:57:38 Um... Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! How old's your kid now? She's nearly three.? She's nearly three. Dolly is nearly three. Where's Dolly at tonight? She's getting babysat by a lady of Care.com. Wow, here in Austin, Texas?

Starting point is 00:57:54 Yeah. So you just found a random lady? Well, you have to pay, so I figured they vetted them and she also said she didn't think Hannah Gadsby was funny, so I was like, you'll do. Yeah, I like that. I like that. That's a great test to make sure if it's a good nanny as long as they think Hannah Gadsby's

Starting point is 00:58:11 not funny. Okay, let's sing something. What do we got here? You want to name a song or a chord or a fucking anything? Just say anything really. You want to go acapella and then they'll follow you? Yeah, alright. Okay, let's do that. You want go acapella and then they'll follow you? Yeah, all right. Okay, let's do that.

Starting point is 00:58:28 You want me to sing the song for you? What about, well it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe. You know that one? Wow, look at that. Oh, I know that song. It's incredible. You do?

Starting point is 00:58:40 I know that song. It sounds lovely, you do? I don't know it that well. One, two, one, two, three, four. Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe. Given that you don't know by now. Well, it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe. It'll never do somehow When the rooster crows at the break of dawn

Starting point is 00:59:09 Look out your window, babe, and I'll be gone You're the reason I'm a-travelin' on But don't think twice, it's all right It's all right. Yeah! So a little break in between the verses here. Well it ain't no use in calling out my name, boy Like you've never done before Well it ain't no use in calling out my name, boy I'm on the dark side of your door. Hey.

Starting point is 00:59:50 Unbelievable. So much fun. We love it. Yeah. Yeah. Bitty, I love your style. I love your energy. Fantastic stuff.

Starting point is 01:00:02 If you're in town Thursday, I would love to have you on the secret show. Ben, your book. I changed my flight. Here's a big joke book. Amazing. Oh, there you go. Michael caught it for you.

Starting point is 01:00:11 It's good. The books, they spin the other direction when they're Australian. Please. How about one more time for the new great Biddy O'Laughlin. Thank you so much. Biddy, B-I-D-D-Y,

Starting point is 01:00:23 follower online, Biddy O'Laughlin. B-I-D-D-Y, follower online, Mitty O'Laughlin. B-I-D-D-Y-O-L-O-U-G-H-L-I-N. Adorable. What a fun performance. It's amazing. Oh my goodness. How about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Just incredible.

Starting point is 01:00:39 Gina with three A's dot H-G, I do believe, right? Gina with three A's dot H-G. if you guys want to follow her on social media it's very hard but go ahead and try. All right your next comedian 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name of Kent Hunter everybody Kent Hunter here we go anything can happen. I was listening to this 2 Chainz song the other day and he said, Pussy was so good I missed my flight and I'm not impressed because for those of you who don't know 2 Chainz is a black pothead rapper, Pussy or not, he was never gonna make that flight. But what would impress me is my grandfather gets the flights three hours early. If he looked at me and said, pussy was so good I missed my flight,

Starting point is 01:01:37 I'd be like, what? You're telling me Graham Graham got that good shit? Are you serious? That joke's actually been doing really well recently. I thought about calling her up. Letting her know, like hey, your pussy's a crowd pleaser. My dad, he calls weed dope. That bothers me a little bit. Because the only people who still say dope

Starting point is 01:02:07 are old people talking about drugs and 12 year olds when they get a Minecraft t-shirt for Christmas. So now I don't know if my dad's getting older or if my mom's a pedophile. Thank you guys, I'm counting. Thank you. Kent Hunter.

Starting point is 01:02:22 How we going? What an unbelievable performance. I you. Kent Hunter. How you doing? What an unbelievable performance. I mean, I absolutely love that set. That was fantastic. Well paced, well executed. You've been on this show before, correct? Yes sir, it's number four. This is your fourth time on the show.

Starting point is 01:02:36 You always look different. I know. Are you the shaky late guy? Yeah, yeah. Oh my God. Oh my God. Very famous in the history of KilToni, it turns out. He always has a different disguise tonight. He's got a new mustache and a backwards hat.

Starting point is 01:02:50 I got the mullet today. Oh, okay. Everybody's getting their mullets on nowadays. I love it. This is incredible. We had a fat guy with a mullet on earlier. Very rare treat. Good rapper though.

Starting point is 01:03:01 Yeah, hell of a rapper. Kent, welcome back to the show. I love though. Yeah, hell of a rapper. Kent, welcome back to the show. I love that minute. How long have you lived in Austin? A year now. How long have you been on stand up? Two years now.

Starting point is 01:03:15 Two years. Fantastic performance for a two year comic. And all of your sets have been good on the show, right? Yes sir. Yeah. Thankfully. I try. Look at that little smile coming through. Such a tough guy. Rich Voss. Like you said that you can't wear a football helmet with

Starting point is 01:03:30 a chin strap. Why is that? Because you don't have a chin. It is true. He does not have a chin. His neck goes up to his bottom lip. There's nothing. This is the second comedian who could not hang himself. That's how they're building him nowadays. You know, so many comedians have hung themselves that they're now evolving. It's a thing that's happening in real life. The comedians of the future cannot hang themselves. However, I think we can figure out a way for Brian LaCotta to get some help. We're going to really tighten it up, figure it out. Not you

Starting point is 01:04:05 though. No hanging yourself for you. So remind us, what do you do for work Kent? I work at HEB. HEB, American hero right here. Right? When he couldn't possibly get any more likeable, he works at the absolute staple of Texas, the greatest grocery store to ever exist. HEB. And what do you do at HEB? I stock shelves. You stock, what better job for you than stocking shelves? You have the height, you have the everything going for you. I noticed you famously had shaky legs. I'm not really seeing it tonight.

Starting point is 01:04:39 Are they, oh, yep, there they are. All right, yeah, little earthquake over there. There it is, That's the noise. Michael's got the sound effects over there. When you hear that rattling cowbell, that means we got shaky legs. Look out. There they are.

Starting point is 01:04:52 Everybody. All right. Is there any other time in your life where your legs shake from nervousness? It's whenever I'm really nervous or scared. But it doesn't happen during your minute, does it? No, I'm comfortable with my minutes. You're comfortable with your minutes, you're comfortable doing stand-up, it's this interview part that gets the best of you.

Starting point is 01:05:11 What is the question that you're so afraid that I would ask? I don't know. I'm just... Michael, you keep an eye on it over there. I want to know, because I can't see. I got Eleanor and Rich leaning forward over here. I need to know. No, you're good.

Starting point is 01:05:31 Go ahead. I want Michael to let me know what... Oh, oh, oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, I saw that one. Oh, oh, oh, oh, all right. What are you afraid of me asking? What makes you so nervous during the interview part? You're a likable guy.

Starting point is 01:05:43 You're very nice. You have HEB, HIV, HIV, everything going for you. What makes you nervous? I'm just not that good with improv off the rip, so I'm just, I trust my minute, I know it's gonna be funny, where I don't know if I'm gonna be funny in the interview. You're doing just fine, dude.

Starting point is 01:06:00 After Brian LaTara. Thank you. Thank you. After we had Brian LaTara up here, I don't know about you guys, but this guy's fucking Richard Pryor in the interview portion of me right now. You're doing just fine, buddy. Just relax a little bit. Look at those legs.

Starting point is 01:06:16 Don Marrera, one of the all-time greats, the most veteran guest out of our history of guests. What do you think about this guy? Mmm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Motherfucker.

Starting point is 01:06:30 What do I think about that? I think he's got an attitude problem. Yeah, fuck me, fuck you, man. You want a piece of this? Sorry, I snapped on you. It was perfect. As long as you don't call him the N word, we're good. You are fantastic.

Starting point is 01:06:50 I love it. So what else is going on in your life Kent? It's been a while since we've seen you. It has. You've been hooking up with a lady you fucking human vibrator you. Yes. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:05 You giving him the old fucking shaky third leg? I have not. Are you? Yes. No, no, no. No. No. Huh? You giving him the old fucking shaky third leg, huh? You ever get inside of a girl and just picture me asking you questions? Hello? Hi Kent, it's me. And then she just fucking... She just loses her mind, right?

Starting point is 01:07:25 You turn on that fucking shaky wig and the bitches just go crazy. Eleanor's into this. Oh boy, I would come in an instant. This is fucking great. Do you get nervous during sex? Does that happen? Completely honest. I haven't had sex.

Starting point is 01:07:41 Wait, you're a virgin? Yeah. No fucking way. You want to see if it works? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:49 Yeah. Eleanor's ready to go. Eleanor's ready. We're gonna take some of Cam Patterson's hair moisturizer, spray it down there. And we're gonna be ready to go. We're gonna oil the little tin man she's got between her legs.

Starting point is 01:08:06 That pussy's like need oil It just squeaks a little but that once you get in there and start fucking shaking Come try it open Sorry, I fucking love Eleanor Charity. I know I had this in me earlier Yeah, the can realized why it was called liquid death all along. It's like, oh, this is what true death is like. I'm dying in here. Luckily, there's enough space for me to breathe in here. Lot of black men in Philly. So explain to us, how old are you Kent? 20. 20 years old, now are you a religious guy?

Starting point is 01:08:51 How do you maintain your virginity? Looking like this apparently. You're a good looking guy, I'm not buying into that. There's a lot of fucking monsters that have been on this stage that have gotten pussy before, but I want to know what's going on here. I don't know, just very awkward. Yeah I wanna know what's going on here. Oh, it's very awkward. Yeah? Tell us what's the closest you've gotten.

Starting point is 01:09:09 Have you gone down on a girl? I have not. Have you had a girl go down on you? I have not. You're into girls though. Yes. You're positive about that. Yes.

Starting point is 01:09:17 What kind of porn do you jerk off to? Lesbian. All right. All right. I like this fucking, we're getting somewhere. Yeah! Hit that lesbian beat! Hell yeah. He lit up.

Starting point is 01:09:28 He lit up, didn't he? He really did. He really did. There's some lesbians in the audience. I beat a guy in rock, paper, scissors earlier. They both threw scissors every time. Okay. So, I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors.

Starting point is 01:09:36 I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors.

Starting point is 01:09:44 I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors. I'm going to go ahead and do a little bit of rock, paper, scissors earlier. They both threw scissors every time. Okay. So you've never gone down on a girl, a girl's never gone down on you. Have you made out with a girl? Yes. Okay. When's the last time you made out with a girl? Before I moved here. Before you moved here. How long ago? A year ago? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:10:10 Really? You've never kissed a girl in Austin? Oh, I actually kissed a girl on your show the first time I got picked. Oh, okay. Yes. Okay. That was Redman. Oh, my goodness. I love it. Good to see you guys. Good to see you. You're killing it, Dom. You're killing it. Yo, Dom, available now if you like a well-edited Zoom podcast. Look at me. Look at me. What do I care?

Starting point is 01:10:37 I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. Dom available now if you like a well edited Zoom podcast.

Starting point is 01:10:45 Look at me, look at me, what do I care? Boss and I have been on it. Oh, you've been on Dom's show? Okay, absolutely. Really, Dom said that? You've been on it, so you Zoomed in? Yeah. Okay, you say it, so you zoomed in? Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 01:11:06 You say it like you did something. You're like, you took them 45 minutes to fucking have a phone call with Dom Herrera. Oh, oh, it's the Yo Dom show. We're here for another episode of Yo Dom. Here we go. I love it. Okay, so when's the last time you were on a date with a girl?

Starting point is 01:11:26 I want to try to get you laid, Kent. I know. You know, it's just. Isn't that the right move? Fuck, fuck. Get me laid. No, no, that's impossible. We're gonna stick with Kent here.

Starting point is 01:11:44 So let me ask you this. What would be your move? You go on a date with a girl, you have your own apartment? No. You have a roommate? Yes. Do you have multiple roommates? I do.

Starting point is 01:11:56 How many roommates do you have? Three. Okay, how many bedrooms in this place? It's a four bedroom house. Four bedroom house? You have three roommates, so every bedroom is taken? Yes. You have your own bathroom so every bedroom is taken. Yes. You have your own bathroom.

Starting point is 01:12:06 No. How many people share your exact bathroom? Me and the guy across from me. One other guy across from you. This is a problem. Yeah. Okay. All day.

Starting point is 01:12:19 What? You're actually turning this on. I got a boner in here. I almost did a spit take there, John. That was fucking close. I did not see that one coming. Is the fourth bedroom empty? There's somebody in every bedroom.

Starting point is 01:12:38 Red Band's terrible at math. Four bedrooms, him and three roommates. Red Band, that's four. That's a total of four, everybody. It was three. No one needs your excuses. So Kent, have you ever gotten a girl back to your place? No.

Starting point is 01:12:57 No, never. Have you gone on a date since being in Austin? Yes. What did you do on this date? Ended up being really awkward. We were supposed to go to food trucks and then have like a picnic in the park with the food from the food truck. Smart. And we got to the food truck place and she wasn't hungry. So we ended up just going to the park. And it was, yeah. Did you think about taking her to perhaps anything else? You just went and sat in a park?

Starting point is 01:13:31 Well, originally we were gonna do mini golf. Okay, what happened to mini golf? She didn't wanna do that. No. She had no arms. Yeah, she had very shaky arms. Yeah, I don't know. At first, she was down for mini golf and then just changed her mind and wanted to do food instead.

Starting point is 01:13:50 So she wanted to do food. And then wasn't hungry, yeah. And then wasn't hungry. How long did you hang out in the park with this broad? About two hours. About two hours and you talked about what, your life and stuff? So you're like, what do you do?

Starting point is 01:14:03 You have siblings? She has no clue about comedy and was trying to ask me comedy questions, which was quite annoying. Yeah, that's the worst. She was asking me how to write a joke. Oh, jeez. I'm probably gonna pull her out of the bucket next.

Starting point is 01:14:18 This is terrible. This is terrible. Did you go on a date with Brian LaCotta? Yeah, exactly. So how do you edit a video? So wait, you just hit the button that says record in the corner? And then what? That's it?

Starting point is 01:14:41 Oh, I hate him so much. Oh, I guess my hatred boils over. My loins boil. Not you. No, I hear poor Kent up here. Old shaky legs like me? No, we're talking about a guy from earlier. They were saying, oh, his leg's shaking.

Starting point is 01:14:57 Oh, shit. Sorry, Kent. Sorry to scare you there, little buddy. I like you, Kent. I like you a lot. The shelves are always stocked at HEB. I have no reason to hate you. little buddy. I like you, Ken. I like you a lot. The shelves are always stocked at H-E-B. I have no reason to hate you. You're the man. Everything's always pushed to the front.

Starting point is 01:15:12 Everything's always perfectly stocked. I mean, it's right there. You ever notice that? Somebody takes something off a shelf and his story just runs right up with a replacement. He kills it in. Okay, so are there any single ladies in the audience? Clap your hands together. This story just runs right up with a replacement. He kills it in. Okay. So, are there any single ladies in the audience?

Starting point is 01:15:27 Clap your hands together. Yeah. Okay, who was that? Who was that? Stand up and do it again. Stand up, who did that? I was a rapid. Stand up.

Starting point is 01:15:37 Oh shit. Uh, okay. Ken, what do you think? You see that out there? You can't see? I don't think it matters, Ken. You see her now? Oh, she's cute! Did you sign up?

Starting point is 01:15:48 You did? What's your name? Hannah Gray. Hannah Gray. And you're single? Yes. If you... If I give you a minute, will you go on a date with Kent?

Starting point is 01:16:00 Okay, ladies and gentlemen, put that mic in the mic stand. Put the mic in the mic stand and stand backstage. I'm gonna bring you back out here in a second. There goes Kent Hunter. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. This is how the magic happens. These two are going to fuck right now.

Starting point is 01:16:22 Look at this. The romance is in the air. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you during 60 seconds uninterrupted from the audience, a representative of your own makes some noise for the Kill Tony debut of Hannah Gray. ["Hannah Gray"] ["Hannah Gray"]

Starting point is 01:16:44 Fuck yeah. What's up Boston? Hell yeah. So I'm divorced and retired for the same reason. The good old gay United States Navy, what's up? No, it's fun. It's fun being a white woman looking like this though, because like, you know, I got a white woman up, my military experience, like, you know,

Starting point is 01:17:03 I got that PTSD, what, what? You know, my military experience. I got that P.T.S. Dizzle, what what? My only black friend told me it's okay as long as I don't add E.R. to it. It's fine, it's fine. The other cute one is I got Kablamzode in the sandbox. Sounds a lot cuter than an IED in Iraq, guys. What's up? It's fine.

Starting point is 01:17:27 No, the other one is like getting back out on the dating apps and shit like that. Fellas don't know who the fuck taught you how to slide into DMs, but hey, what's up? 10 inches, question mark. Sounds more like a subway ad. Maybe that's just me. The other one that's fun is like,

Starting point is 01:17:45 a lot of guys just peg me, question mark. And it's like, I'm the last bitch you want going near your asshole. I don't know shit about it, but thank you. Okay, very likable. Well executed minute. I love that. Have you done standup before?

Starting point is 01:18:02 Yeah, I do it in Colorado. In Colorado. What part of Colorado? Denver, actually. Okay, absolutely. My friend who did really good on the show said I could shout him out if I did okay. So, Brian Sullivan, what's up? There you go, okay.

Starting point is 01:18:17 You really wanted to get that out of your system. I did, I'm sorry. Rich Voss. This is great. Two people who have never been on a date are gonna meet tonight. Yeah. And they're both a little bit shaky.

Starting point is 01:18:30 You're a little nervous too. I hear it in your voice. Yeah. Eleanor Kerrigan. This is love on the spectrum. This is fun. Oh wow. No doubt about it.

Starting point is 01:18:40 No doubt about it. I love your style. I actually, me and my entourage wear the same jacket sometimes when we go, you know, fuck what the fuck. What the fuck was that? Yeah. Tony's in the T-Birds. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:58 It's incredible. I love your style. So what branch of the military were you in? The Navy. The Navy, absolutely. What did you specialize in there? Oh, hell yeah. I fixed airplanes.

Starting point is 01:19:08 Okay, airplanes and the Navy. It was like the Air Force, but not. Okay. Yeah, they told me I was too fat, so the Navy hit me on the way out like, Oh my goodness. Let's go to boot camp, bitch. Look at that.

Starting point is 01:19:18 You know, man. Look at that. Right, less gravy, more Navy. You know what I'm saying? Exactly. I love it. I love it. So what do you do for work now?

Starting point is 01:19:30 I'm a software engineer. Okay, absolutely. I see why you, there's some... Shaking. I could see why that would exist. What exactly do you do with software? So I build apps. I'm actually building a comedy app right now.

Starting point is 01:19:43 Is that a half skirt, half... What is that? It's very distracting. What is that exactly? I got it off like an Instagram store and you know, it was just... Is that what you thought you were buying? Not really. It's kind of like a wish.com situation. Oh yeah. Did you buy that from a gay gladiator?

Starting point is 01:20:10 Yeah, it looks like Cam Patterson's barber took scissors to her or something like that. This is amazing. What else are you into, Hannah? What do you do for fun? I grow mushrooms. If we can't tell the other thing. Hell yeah. All right. You grow a lot of mushrooms?

Starting point is 01:20:20 Not a lot. I just started, but they're pretty easy. How often do lot of mushrooms? Not a lot. I just started, but like they're pretty easy. How often do you do mushrooms? Pretty consistently, honestly. The note she just hit there. Pretty, pretty consistently. Not every day. Okay.

Starting point is 01:20:41 And so you're single right now and you're in Austin for a bit? Yeah, for the week. Okay. Let's bring Kent Hunter back up here, Kent. Here he comes. Whoa, oh shit, there he is. Kent, I got good news for you.

Starting point is 01:20:59 I found a girl that's definitely hungry. This one is gonna be, I got the bad news is she's not gonna want to go to the park afterwards. Boots trucks only for this one then you take her straight back to your place you rush her past your roommates yep just hop and skipping a jump And then you throw her right down that pipeline. You know what I'm saying? Kent, how do you feel about this situation? Have you ever lost your virginity

Starting point is 01:21:31 to a girl with PTSD on mushrooms that... I can't say that I have. Well, she's gonna turn your software into hardware, real quick. I do believe. I think you have a chance here. Are you willing to go on a date with Hannah Gray? Sure.

Starting point is 01:21:49 Okay. Doesn't seem excited about it. Let me ask you again. We'll edit that one out. Ken, do you want to go on a date with Hannah? Yeah. I will. I love this. What night are you free this weekend?

Starting point is 01:22:10 This fucking guy. This fucking picky choosy motherfucker. I think Thursday. Thursday. Is Thursday good for you? Works for me. Works for you. All right. You know what? I'm gonna set this up. I'm gonna get you guys, I'm gonna get you guys, what?

Starting point is 01:22:35 Dinner. Secret show. Yeah, I'm gonna send them to the secret show, yes. Secret show. Yeah. Oh my God. Somebody said a room, I like that. Actually, that might kinda work.

Starting point is 01:22:44 No, that's what I'm saying. Yeah, maybe they do a dinner. Yeah, they go to dinner. I'm gonna take care of dinner. I'm not gonna say where. We'll keep it a secret location. But I'm gonna get you guys reservations and I'll put fucking, I'll put fucking what? 200 bucks. Yep. There you go. Lesbian yelling out numbers. Jesus Christ Almighty. I'll give 200 bucks to you guys. Secret location.

Starting point is 01:22:54 You have dinner at, uh, 6-Eleven. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room.

Starting point is 01:23:02 I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. I'll give you guys a room. calling out numbers. Jesus Christ almighty. I'll give 200 bucks to you guys, secret location. You have dinner at 6.30 on Thursday and then you guys do spots at the secret show and then you fuck this shaky motherfuckers brains out. Beer?

Starting point is 01:23:18 Sound like fun? Good? Is that good? Ken's acting like a me-tooing him right now. Look, this is gonna be good for you. The good news is you only have half a skirt to take off. All right, it's gonna be easy breezy. You bust a nut, and then you're one down.

Starting point is 01:23:38 You're gonna have a whole new confidence after this. Okay, Ken, who's excited about this? Ken's gonna lose his virginity Thursday night. You're gonna have a whole new confidence after this. Okay, Kent? Who's excited about this? Kent's gonna lose his virginity Thursday night. This is the craziest show on planet Earth. A lot of other shows, you win a briefcase of cash or something like that. We're gonna have two threes fuck on Thursday.

Starting point is 01:23:59 It's gonna be incredible. There they go, Kent Hunter and Hannah Gray, a double date. Free dinner. And then... Sparks at the Secret Show. And then sex. In a house. With three roommates. Only on Kill Tony do dreams like this come true.

Starting point is 01:24:22 Oh my god, too much fucking fun. Domirara. They seem a little like Oh my god too much fucking fun. Don Marrera. They seem a little like a retard kind of thing. They're kind of a retard. Brian has his work out. He has a lot of work on your show doesn't he? Ladies and gentlemen, we have a special treat for you.

Starting point is 01:24:47 This guy, a polarizing figure in the history of this show. I absolutely love him. And I've always said off stage, he's so funny that I believe that every time that I think I always said, I think he's going to get better and better at standup comedy. The guy, the boy wonder has been doing spots all over the country misses no opportunity to hustle around sell tickets and do long sets trying to get better here with a brand new minute I present to you the return once again of Uncle Lazer, everybody. Here he is, live in the flesh.

Starting point is 01:25:28 Oh shit, here he is. Oh my goodness. The lizard man himself, Uncle Lazer, everyone. Y'all like true love, y'all ain't gonna like this. I was reading the STD pamphlet in the Planned Parenthood this morning, and I just learned that I was reading the STD pamphlet in the Planned Parenthood this morning. And I just learned that PH actually stands for pussy health. Now ladies, when it's off, y'all ain't got like a little check engine light that says, hey, I should go to EBGON.

Starting point is 01:26:07 Because this shit look contagious, right? I may love to a forklift driver the other day. I went down on her, and he always smells the same. Why does bad pussy always smell like Chernobyl? This woman's pussy lips look like a iguana neck. It just smelled like Chernobyl. This woman's pussy lips looked like an iguana neck. Her clitoris was calloused over and hard, like an octopus beak. Easy to find, for once.

Starting point is 01:26:44 My name's Uncle Lazer, thank y'all. Okay, a minute. Opportunities for laughter in there. Great set. Uncle Lazer, how much of that is true? That's frightening. The level of woman that you're hanging out with in this world.

Starting point is 01:26:57 Well, for the joke purposes, I met her at a forklift driver, but she's actually a nighttime ballerina. A stripper. Yeah, yeaherina. A stripper. A stripper. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A nighttime ballerina. She's a nice young lady now.

Starting point is 01:27:12 I don't know if y'all know this. I thought UTI was a lady disease. I didn't know men could get that. And I'm currently walking around with that shit right now. And what had happened was, is that I was in the middle of a fight with a woman. And she was like, I'm not going to let you get away with this. I'm going to get away with this. And I was like, I'm not going to let you get away with this.

Starting point is 01:27:20 I'm going to get away with this. I'm going to get away with this. I'm going to get away with this. I'm going to get away with this. I'm going to get away with this. I'm going to get away with this. I'm going to get away with this. I'm going to get away with this. I didn't know men could get that. And I'm currently walking around with that shit right now. And what had happened was, is she had a yeast infection. I said, well that don't bother me none. You know, we'll be fine, right?

Starting point is 01:27:36 Yeah. Right. It's the yeast of your worries. Yeast of my worries, yes. And now my kidneys feel like they're gonna explode. Oh my God, how long have you had this UTI for? I think about it, four weeks now. Yeah, that's what I was going to say

Starting point is 01:27:51 because again, believe it or not, I hang out with Uncle Liz sometimes. And about three weeks ago, I remember you saying that you got a UTI and that your kidneys hurt. Well, I had taken care of it later since that point, and, but I hadn't finished the antibiotics all the way and then she had it too and we fucked, we made like a super variant.

Starting point is 01:28:16 See, this is why, I mean, I just can't get enough. He's so entertaining and it's all real. Look how serious his face is right now. No shaky leg to be found on this motherfucker. He's so entertaining and it's all real. Look how serious his face is right now. No shaky leg to be found on this motherfucker. He's calm and confident. I've been drinking cranberry juice and vodka nonstop. I know, Brian, I know! But you like what you like!

Starting point is 01:28:40 The old Rick Flair. Cranberries and vodkas, I know about that. But then the craziest part is, like three days after, I said I'm gonna get it taken care of, I had to go play in a pair of those stuff, but she went to jail like three days later. Like big girl jail, like they picked her ass up, she's still in jail.

Starting point is 01:28:55 She had a warrant? I don't, she had a kangaroo. They can only believe she probably with a cartel in some fashion or form, right? I got to be. Hold on. She had a baby kangaroo, she owned one. That's not, you can't buy that at Petsmart.

Starting point is 01:29:11 Now, again, the interesting thing here, it sounds like he's crazy and silly and making stuff up, but I literally remember seeing one of your many, you post a lot of Instagram stories, you can almost always tell what laser's up to if you follow him on Instagram. And literally, I mean, I don't even fucking, I don't even like say, oh my God, what is that?

Starting point is 01:29:32 Like I'm not surprised by anything anymore on this fucking, in this guy's life. And meanwhile, I did see a story, and I haven't even mentioned this to you, a kangaroo bouncing around in somebody's apartment, like with roommates and shit, seemed like the last guy's place you were at, and it's wearing a diaper.

Starting point is 01:29:52 Well, you don't want any shit on carpet. Okay. I'm pretty standard. I'm just learning the indoor kangaroo game here. No one really devised a way to potty train them just yet, because they're not supposed to be inside. You're not supposed to be domesticated by any stretch of the imagination.

Starting point is 01:30:09 Yeah. And so you go to her place, she has a kangaroo in a diaper hopping around. Do you pet it? What do you do? Like that's fucking neat. You know, like what the fuck am I supposed to say there? You know, like, I don't know.

Starting point is 01:30:21 I know when them motherfuckers grow up, they're vicious. You can't keep them in the house, there's no way. Like, they'll beat shit up. Did you see this kangaroo? Yeah, it was a baby. It was cool, smelled like carrots or something, like, smelled like a, I don't know the word I'm looking for, but it's a-

Starting point is 01:30:37 Beast infection? Yeah. Red band from the corner of my pocket, baby, yeah! Yeah, no, she like put like YSL perfume and shit on it, so it smelled like a woman, it was weird. That's expensive ad perfume, I don't know if you know that, no? What's that?

Starting point is 01:30:55 YSL. Do what now? Hell yeah. Absolutely, no, I know Eleanor does not like this kind of guy. This is the complete opposite of camp, I don't know what this is. It's hard to understand too, but I mean, I like it.

Starting point is 01:31:07 I'm enjoying it. I love wrestling. You single? I'm good. Hell yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Shooter's going to shoot, you know.

Starting point is 01:31:17 No cam, all cram. That's what this guy is. So when are you getting this UTI checked out? Well I got the medication now. I got it this morning. Have you taken it yet? Yeah, yeah I took some today. And I took some painkillers. They didn't prescribe it, I had some.

Starting point is 01:31:36 That sounds about right. But let me ask the ladies in here a genuine question. So my momma is from the 80s and she's different. She fucked Metallica, Alice Cooper. I'm not gonna get into the 80s in here, like a genuine question. So my mama's from the 80s and she's different. Fuck Metallica, Alice Cooper, okay? Different times, she's a different type of woman. And she used to douche with vinegar. That's the thing, that was a thing, right?

Starting point is 01:31:56 And then I guess the cosmopolitan come out and say, your pussy clean as hell. It's not working. At least, the ladies I know. What is your question exactly? It's not working. At least, as late as I know. But then you get- What is your question exactly? I have to- Can you also use oil?

Starting point is 01:32:10 Yeah, so I didn't even know where I was going with that, man. They can do the suppository. Now, you know if you put a suppository in a vagina, it'll cure whatever you got, but if you put it in your mouth to eat it, it'll kill you? That's strange to me. If you eat a suppository, it'll kill you. If you put it in your vagina, boom, you're brand new. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:32:33 That pussy's the bomb, you know what I'm saying? Like, aboric acid? Yeah, I think that's what it's called. I might be fucking up the word, but. There you go, you're good. You get them at farmer's markets. You just call everything you don't know vinegar? Supposite.

Starting point is 01:32:47 Well you can drink vinegar and it won't kill you, that's the point I'm trying to make. Oh, okay. Some wise, wise chewing tobacco wisdom from Uncle Lazer. It's like oxymoron. How are you not a health teacher? Oh, I'm a felon. You're a felon.

Starting point is 01:33:13 That's Bergagas. What are the odds? It says it right on his throat. Laser, another fun minute, another fun interview. There he goes, Uncle Laser. We're gonna keep it moving now. Alright, ladies and gentlemen, pulling another name out of the bucket. You guys still hanging in there? Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds for Austin Young, everybody. Austin Young, here we go. How's it going? I'm single, I need a lady in my life

Starting point is 01:33:42 and not for companionship or anything. I'm almost 30 years old and I don't own a bowl. Single bowl, man, I've just been eating cereal out of containers that were designed to store ham, and I'll be honest, man, I was far too content with it. Like I was ready to live the rest of my life like that until I had a lady over, and she's like, hey, where are your bowls? And I'm like, I don't have any.

Starting point is 01:34:09 And she's like, I want you to know, this is a huge red flag. I'm like, ooh, any other red flags I should know about? She's like, yeah, guys that don't have headboards. I'm like, bitch, you think I got headboard money? I ain't got bowls. Plus, you know how ridiculous a headboard money? I ain't got balls. Plus you know how ridiculous a headboard would look on an air mattress?

Starting point is 01:34:29 That's funny. It's... Ha ha ha ha. All right, thank you guys so much. 57 seconds from Austin Young. You've been on this show before, welcome back Austin. Yes sir, third time. I love it, welcome, welcome.

Starting point is 01:34:44 How did that feel for you? Felt very good. So what do you eat the cereal out of? Out of ham bowls, Oscar Meyer bowls, you can reuse them. Ham bowls? Yeah, ham bowls. Hillshore Farms, those got some death to it. Oh my god.

Starting point is 01:35:00 I clean it. Like the plastic? The plastic bowls, yeah. You eat cereal out out of how many times do you refill those? I mean usually till the box is gone You're a very big boy I would expect you eating cereal out of like a bathtub or something like that. Here you are. Oh my man. That's a good idea Yeah, just remember to plug the hole at the bottom. Of course, yeah.

Starting point is 01:35:29 Rich Voss. Now what do you drink your meatloaf milkshakes out of? The blender. Great answer, absolutely. You are a master improviser of food. So you really don't have a headboard? I don't, no. Do you really have an air mattress?

Starting point is 01:35:48 I mean, I used to, but I mean, I'm doing pretty good. I got a mattress now. It's just a mattress on the floor. Right, it's just a deflated air mattress. Yeah, yeah. Eleanor? That air mattress would squeak the way this squeaks without oil.

Starting point is 01:36:01 Oh yeah, I got it. Hee! I can't even imagine what that air mattress went through with you on it. So now you have a real mattress, but no headboard. No headboard. How far are we from the headboard? I mean, I could get one,

Starting point is 01:36:16 but I just don't want to carry it up to my apartment. It's fucking. Okay, you have a second story apartment? Yeah, it's like two floors, I gotta walk it up. It's a real bitch, so. Second story would be two floors, that is correct. You walk things up the stairs sometimes though? All the time, yeah.

Starting point is 01:36:33 But not a headboard. Not a headboard. Not for you. No. You've made the decision. I have, I'm contempt. Okay. Oh.

Starting point is 01:36:41 Now I understand. What do you do for work, Austin? I'm a truck driver. You're a truck driver. I drive trucks. You drive trucks, yes? That's right. A truck driver drives a truck and the second story has two sets of stairs.

Starting point is 01:36:56 We're learning a lot here. Yeah. All right. What's your route lately? I go down to Laredo. Okay. Yeah. Can you tell us what you like to do? You

Starting point is 01:37:05 stop off anywhere? Do you, are you a Buc-ee's guy? What do you do? Oh, they don't let trucks and Buc-ee's, but I just dip all night and then just like listen to podcasts and whatnot. It's pretty cool. Okay. I scream to keep me awake. That's nice. You really do that? Yeah, I'll just scream. Does that work? Oh, it works. Can you put the microphone down by your waist and just show us what your actual scream in your truck sounds like? Don't do it into the mic. All right.

Starting point is 01:37:32 Ah! That's a good scream. Yeah, thank you. That's what girls do when he walks into a room. What is your love life like, Austin? I'm doing alright. I actually hooked up with a lady in Dallas after that Adam Ray weekend, so that was cool. Shout out, Gaby. Your pussy felt real good. Thank you. Whoa!

Starting point is 01:37:58 Shout out to Gaby. She's actually a big fan of the show, too.'s actually a big fan of the show too, so. She's a big fan of the show. Yeah. Wow, the pussy felt real good. Better than a normal pussy or average? I mean, better than the average bear, but it's like, it's really, it felt nice. And you went no condom.

Starting point is 01:38:18 No, I mean, I was like, I have some and I'm like, oh, oh, forgot. And lost some. He's got a sweet face. I'd let him get away with that. I forgot. OK. My goodness gracious. Absolutely incredible. So how did this Gabby situation happen?

Starting point is 01:38:44 She hung out with you after the show or something? Yeah, she met me. I did a show in Fort Worth like the week before and then she started to follow me and then On Instagram? Yes on Instagram. So I just hit her up and saw she was in Dallas. I was like, hey I'm gonna be opening for Adam Ray if you wanted to come and then so you put her on your guest list I sure did. Look at you. You sweet, sweet boy. Yeah. The next thing you know you're in some good pussy.

Starting point is 01:39:10 It was some great pussy. Wow. Yeah. How long do you think you lasted with her? You have a lot of stamina? What's that? Oh yeah, I got my recovery is like a son of a bitch. So you go again.

Starting point is 01:39:21 Oh yeah. What type of recovery were you talking about here? The ladies are all very, oh that's a guy. They're all very interested. It's all right, he's cute. No, it's like, it doesn't take long. It's just a couple minutes. Couple minutes?

Starting point is 01:39:35 Yeah. Wow, look at you. Do you do anything special to fucking get it hard again? You like reverse scream or something? Yeah. Just think how good that pussy felt. That usually does it. You just think about it again.

Starting point is 01:39:46 Use your imagination. The harder, the quicker I get harder, the, you know, I get to put it back in there. That's actually a good point. This man states a lot of very obvious things. He's a truck driver. He drives trucks. Whips on the second story.

Starting point is 01:40:01 Two flights of stairs. You get your dick hard, the quicker you get to put it in again. Absolutely unbelievable. The man of many, many known things. Very, very simplistic. Simplistic. Keep it simple, buddy.

Starting point is 01:40:17 Do you eat pussy, too? Oh, of course. Legs, neck, and torso? Oh, that's right. I never miss a meal, dude. Okay. God damn right. God damn right.

Starting point is 01:40:28 No one's going to argue that. The proof is in the pudding and you eat that too. Oh, of course. I love pudding. You fucking love pudding. That's right. Now, a guy like you, because like I'll eat a cup of pudding, right? And I'll be like, that's barely any pudding.

Starting point is 01:40:43 Right? I was just getting started with this pudding. Now'm done with it you don't it seems like a guy like me and you should not be eating the same do you eat more than one cup of pudding I might have to look at that look at that absolutely they usually satisfies my pudding craze have you ever binged a food in which even you're like Jesus what have I done, every time I go to Rapolo's, it's a... Rapolo's is your name? I have a whole pizza, like... You have a whole pizza to yourself?

Starting point is 01:41:08 Not a whole pizza, but like, I could get like half of it. I'm like, that was a lot. That was... Wow. It's a big pie. Wow. Incredible. And you're talking about a large or an extra large?

Starting point is 01:41:20 The extra large, of course. Wow, that's like the size of a headboard. It is. Have you ever thought about? That headboard wouldn't last in my apartment. God damn right it would. God damn right. OK.

Starting point is 01:41:35 Austin, you've been on this show before. Yes, sir. You have a big joke book. You did it again. Another good minute, another good interview. Yes, sir. Thank you. I appreciate it.

Starting point is 01:41:41 Thank you guys so much. Austin, yeah. Finally got a you guys so much. Yeah. Finally got a bucket full that's actually here. Four people left. I don't know how that happens. What? Oh, South by People. Oh, that'll do it. Weird festival goers that signed up and then left. Very weird. But the good news is is is I finally got somebody that is here And he's a young legend of the show this guy did so good on his debut episode of the show that we had him perform In a fucking arena at the age of I think he's 16 or 17 or something crazy. What is that 17? Ladies and gentlemen I present you a brand new minute from 17 year old Holden DeShazo, everybody.

Starting point is 01:42:26 Yeah! Hell yeah. What's up? How you guys doing? All right, yeah, it is true. I just turned 17. Just turned 17, fuckable in a year. You know, one more year until I don't have to lie

Starting point is 01:42:44 about my age on porn sites. I'm pretty excited about it. I did have a joke about abortion, but still in the early stages of development, so I'll leave it alone. You know, I've been starting to notice a lot of acne on my face. I know we've all gotten it.

Starting point is 01:43:04 But I've been Googling to see how to get rid of it. Turns out I have to quit doing something I'm not willing to give up. Have to quit jerking off. I don't want to stop. But I do it so much that one of my buddies told me, Holden, you have to quit choking your chicken. I'd never heard this before.

Starting point is 01:43:18 But I choked mine so much that I gave it a name. You guys want to hear the name? Yeah. I named it a name. You guys want to hear the name? Yeah. I named it George Floyd. Um... Um... Um... Um...

Starting point is 01:43:28 Um... The go... Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Hold on, hold on, hold on. The good news is that the cop that killed him is probably being forced to choke a lot of chickens these days himself. Maybe he's into it, I don't know,

Starting point is 01:43:40 but based on the given clues, I think it's safe to say that he's into erotic asphyxiation. All right, that's it. Thank you guys. Okay, wow. Hard to tag a good choking the chicken George Floyd joke. It's hard to fucking, hard to follow that. Yeah, it's true. I loved that joke, by the way.

Starting point is 01:44:01 I don't think you need a tag on that. Me and Rich Voss made five seconds of eye contact after that going like that. That's a pretty good sign. Wow, you choke the chicken so much that you call it George Floyd. That is absolutely incredible. Repeating it, repeating it is so good.

Starting point is 01:44:23 Wow. I mean, a 17 year old can get away with that joke. That's the good news. Thank god all y'all's phones are locked up. Damn. Thank god what? Their phones are locked up. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 01:44:34 Absolutely. Unfortunately, this will be on YouTube in three weeks. Ah, that's all right. Let's kill Tony. We can talk about it. We can talk about everything. We can talk about it. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:44:44 You took a shot. You talk about it. We can talk about it. We can talk about it, absolutely. You took a shot, you actually made it. It worked. The joke works. It is an anomaly. It's a great joke. It is. I'm trying to think of tags that you could possibly say, but all of mine are

Starting point is 01:45:08 basically sound like they're written by Dom Mayrera. They all end in the N word. I'm just kidding Dom. Don't do it Dom, don't do it. Have you ever thought about saying that you inject your penis with fentanyl right before... Okey dokey. George Floyd was at a... Ah, okay, I see where you're going. He was a... Yeah, yeah. Fentanyl guy. He was a fentanyl fan.

Starting point is 01:45:36 Yeah, he was at a, what's it called, a fucking, an overdose amount of fentanyl at the time. What a crazy coincidence that that would happen at the same moment. I mean, what are the odds? It's almost like a fucking anomaly. So Holden, let's talk about it. When you do jokes like that, do you think I'm 17, I can get away with anything? I know people legally can't fuck me up over them, so. That's true. I got that safety blanket. And you also know that the only black guy on the stage

Starting point is 01:46:06 that can see has to jump over a blind guy to be able to attack you if he's offended. And the blind guy is not going to be able to spot you. He's going to swing right above your head. You're going to duck out and under and you're going to be just fine. Has anyone ever been offended by a joke of yours like when you're out doing open mics and stuff or anything like that? I mean, they haven't voiced it, but I've gotten a lot of like, well, with that joke, I've gotten a lot of like, ooh.

Starting point is 01:46:33 Right. Like just all across the board. Right. Nobody's brave enough to be the one guy to laugh at it. Right. Exactly. Maybe they're worried about your dead dick. Possibly.

Starting point is 01:46:44 Do you have a headboard? Do you have a headboard? Do you have a headboard? That's a great question. You're 17 years old. Do you happen to have a bed that has a headboard? I do. There you go. Look at that.

Starting point is 01:46:56 Absolutely. Mom's taking good care of you. There's Mrs. DeShazer right over there. Oh, his mom is over there. Yeah. All right. If you're under 21, you have to be accompanied by a parent here.

Starting point is 01:47:06 Yeah. So his hot mom is standing right over there. I'm, like, afraid to make eye contact. I feel like Chris D'Alia. I'm just going to look down. Holy shit. This is a reverse D'Alia, a woman with a younger boy. Holden, what else has been going on in life?

Starting point is 01:47:26 You're 17, give us the ways of a, what's it like being a 17 year old in Texas nowadays? Uh, a lot of man ladies out there. Okay. A lot of those. Okay. A lot of those ex. Where are you seeing, oh there's one right here.

Starting point is 01:47:41 Look at this. Ah! I spoke it into existence. Yeah. It's fucking, yeah. Well, because before I was homeschooled, I went to a private or a public school. And there were a lot of those running around. There was a lot of man girls at the private school.

Starting point is 01:48:00 Or a public school. Public school. Yeah, because I held a door open for one girl. So I thought. Yeah, cuz I held a door open for one girl. So I thought yeah and I and she they whatever Look at you a person old correcting your pronoun. This is what it's like being a kid now. Yes

Starting point is 01:48:20 She said, uh, thank you. And I said, yes ma'am, my bad for being respectful. And she was like, it's sir. And I was like, no, it's not. I love it. I love it. Anything else crazy we should know about going on Holden? What else? I got a girlfriend.

Starting point is 01:48:40 Whoa! I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Where'd you meet this girl at? At a homecoming last year. Okay, that's absolutely adorable. So you took her to homecoming?

Starting point is 01:48:54 Well, I didn't take her. I took another girl and met her there. Okay. Oh shit, look at you, balling out of control. Literally, it seems like you are the most sexually active person other than Uncle Lazer on tonight's lineup.

Starting point is 01:49:09 Which is crazy because you're 17. Yeah. We also had a guy that is a virgin up earlier and I do believe he's in his 30s so congratulations Holden. Thank you. You are doing absolutely perfect. Thank you. I met her there and then we started we started talking and kind of went away and then she You being in a straight relationship he's famously homophobic But he literally celebrates a boy going on a date with a girl nowadays. This is what the world has come to. Praise Jesus. God damn right. Holden, we love you.

Starting point is 01:49:54 You're killing it. You're 17. Nothing can stop you. There he goes. Holden DeShazer, everybody. A little glimpse of the future right there. Come on, you guys can do better than that. Make some noise for Holden DeShazer.

Starting point is 01:50:06 There we go. All right, we ready to put a fucking ribbon on this thing or what? Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kil Tony Hall of Famer, the record holder, all time for appearances on the show. Minutes done and interviews done. He is known as the Baron of Biloxi,

Starting point is 01:50:28 the Prince of Pint House Palace, the Duke of Abercorn. Not a lot of people know that. He's the real Duke of Abercorn. The Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is indeed the Big Red Machine, the one and only, lights Out, William Montgomery everybody! I love Lock Bar Austin! Probably a good thing that Alec Baldwin didn't get the role of Oppenheimer.

Starting point is 01:51:23 We all know what he can do with a gun. Imagine a nuclear bomb. A mother was recently jailed after it was revealed that her five-year-old daughter was helping her do Brazilian waxes. The only thing I'm confused about is since when did cleaning floors become illegal? I'm still working on my rap career. I got a new line. It's, uh,

Starting point is 01:51:55 call me Captain Hook because I just gave your bitch a roofie yo! That's all I got. Woo! Woo! Woo! 57 seconds from William Montgomery. Yes, sir. William, you look a little different.

Starting point is 01:52:15 Yeah. Healthy. Yeah, you seem healthier. You shaved your head. Yeah. Been doing Pilots? Or is it Pilates? Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:52:26 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:52:32 Oh my goodness. The legend has arrived. Kil Tony Hall of Famer, record holder for all time appearances on the show. This is, oh wait a second. Oh! Tony! Tony!

Starting point is 01:52:48 Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony!

Starting point is 01:52:56 Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony!

Starting point is 01:53:04 Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! Tony! No kidding, it's my brother. Wow, your brother. Oh my goodness. The crowd goes wild. This is absolutely incredible. A first in the history of Kill Tony. This man has been performing every Monday for over five years, constantly reinventing a wheel that has never even been created before, and yet here you are pushing it to a brand new limit. The same exact height, the same exact color beard, the same exact

Starting point is 01:53:38 color eyes, the exact same voice. There is a blatant, you guys laugh the same, your beards shake when you laugh. It is absolutely incredible. This is an anomaly. Unlike anything we've ever seen before, we have an absolute Montgomery mayhem happening right now. William, what is your brother's name? So, here do you want to... Selden. I love it, absolutely. I couldn't even tell which one said that. Wow. William, how do you feel tonight? What's going on with you? I feel, honestly a little weird. Selden was wonderful. I feel wonderful about this.

Starting point is 01:54:21 He just moved here, but Tony, I literally, I get here. First thing I hear is that Lance Armstrong is in the crowd tonight. I was a cyclist. I grew up loving Lance, and then my fucking mom tells his ass when he's getting a drink back there that I had posters all over my wall of him, and it kinda, I feel like I lost street cred with Lance. So that's honestly, again, it's so exciting

Starting point is 01:54:44 and wonderful, Seldon's here, but I feel like I blew my fucking shot with really meeting Lance. Did you get to meet him? Yeah, briefly, but I was like, I was starstruck and I was like, surprise. Big fan. I love it.

Starting point is 01:54:57 How about a hand for Austin's own Lance Armstrong, everybody? In the house tonight. Don't bother turning around, you can't see him. He's in the dark, protected from you normal peasants. From you fucking non-fucking super athletes. He used to be the fuck out of Jan Ulrich. That's right. Goddamn motherfucking right.

Starting point is 01:55:19 Lance, I used to love it when you used to be Jan every year. Goddamn right. We love Lance Armstrong. He is, Austin is so wild. What's funny, you bitch? What's up? What? You're not in the bathroom, man!

Starting point is 01:55:36 I'm trying to have a phone with Lance Armstrong! Bitch! It is a crazy life we have. Lance Armstrong is now Golf Buddies with Tony Hinchcliffe. And the world will never be the same. I'm already getting us matching jackets so I can go around and roast people with Lance Armstrong flanking me on one side, Johnny Manziel on the next, Gary Clark Jr., you name it.

Starting point is 01:56:03 We're doing a fucking Austin Mount Rushmore thing. And William's brother is also going to be part of my entourage now. This is very exciting. So William, one thing I want to talk about because it is in the fucking zeitgeist. I cannot believe it. Round of applause.

Starting point is 01:56:21 How many of you watched the UFC on Saturday night? How many of you in the UFC on Saturday night? How many of you in the co-main event I mean this is crazy I mean I cannot believe it because let me tell you guys a quick story so Dustin Poirier stuns the world in the co-main event hits a Frenchman that's a freak of nature known literally as the god of war in the side of the head and stunningly knocks him out. He was a tremendous underdog even though he's a fucking legend. Future UFC Hall of Famer Dustin Poirier knocks out this young

Starting point is 01:56:55 buck that was totally supposed to beat him. He keeps going for this choke the whole time in the post interview that only lasts 30 seconds. If you know UFC, Rogan goes, what was your plan of action or whatever? And Dustin goes, Mike Corner kept telling me to not do the, um... The guillotine. The guillotine.

Starting point is 01:57:15 He ain't ever gonna stop doing the guillotine. And he literally said, they told me to stop doing the guillotine choke, but I ain't never gonna stop doing the guillotine choke. And I literally, I remember, because I walked away, I was smoking a cigarette, but I had it playing on my Sonos sound system, state of the art Sonos sound system.

Starting point is 01:57:33 Thank you, Gel Blaster. Anyway, but I remember hearing that and thinking, that's fucking crazy, that sounds like a William Montgomery reference, but calm your ego, Tony, because I don't know Dustin Poirier as a fan, and Sugar Sean O'Malley, who's a huge fan and legend on the shows in the main main event,

Starting point is 01:57:53 there's no way Dustin Poirier knows anything about Kill Tony, and then he messages you. Woo! Woo! Woo! Woo! No, I messaged him, Tony. Oh, you messaged him?

Starting point is 01:58:06 I messaged him. Did you? I don't want him to beat my ass. Hold on, we have to be careful here. No, yeah. But the point is, is you guys talked. He's a big fan. Yeah, he confirmed.

Starting point is 01:58:16 So all the little pieces of shit on fucking Reddit. Yeah. He was talking about my fucking ass, you idiot. He literally said on Twitter earlier today, this is all happening so fast, somebody goes, was your never gonna stop in reference to William Montgomery? And he literally said, yes. He tweeted like, yes.

Starting point is 01:58:38 So to think that you're, you know, here you are every week at the end of the show and you are literally in the cosmos of entertainment. I mean, everybody's watching. Lance, are you hearing this? Lance, you're getting all this right. Bro, if you get Lance Armstrong to drop, I ain't ever gonna stop at some point

Starting point is 01:59:05 when he beats people in a fucking race. That would be absolutely incredible. So how did you feel? Were you watching the fights when Dustin said that? I was watching it, but we didn't have the volume up, so I didn't hear it, my brother Vance in it. So yeah. Yeah, that was a fun little awesome, who did that?

Starting point is 01:59:27 That was kind of a fun. Wow. Wow. Wow. God, you're an idiot. What did you just say, God, I'm an idiot? You're an idiot. Okay, bitch.

Starting point is 01:59:41 I'm so okay. Holy shit. You bothered me the first fucking time, I'm me every fucking time every time Paulie sure the mayor of the Comedy Store has full permission to interrupt Kel Tony anytime he wants. We have an agreement. I just didn't know, because I know you talked to me earlier. Hi, you guys, what's going on?

Starting point is 02:00:10 Hi. Hi. I know you're talking. Sauna. I was in the other room, just so you know, I was just in the little room, which is the little boy room. Give it up for the little boy room.

Starting point is 02:00:20 Okay, no. But I was saying some really nice stuff about you, is my point. You what? I was saying some really nice stuff about you, is my point. You what? I was saying some beautiful things. I'm like, next door, Tony, the Santa, or Tony, you know what I mean? Tony's here.

Starting point is 02:00:31 I just. So you told a smaller showroom that there was a better show going on in the other room. Yeah, but the thing is, the thing is, the soul is in the fucking smaller showroom, cause that's where the shit's really developed. This is fucking too big corporate for me now. Oh, man.

Starting point is 02:00:49 Pauly, you just came out. You would have picked up this fucking microphone. When the curtain opened, I'm like, this is amazing. Lance came down and to make a fucking appearance and it's a double Pauly Shore. Sorry, I just did some drugs in the back, sorry. What kind of drugs did you do? With the razor guy, the fucking razor guy's crazy.

Starting point is 02:01:07 Laser, laser. I thought you were... I thought you were... Polly Short. We like it, Stevie Wonder, we're good, we're good. I like you, I like you, put some Vaseline, we're good, we're good. I love it.

Starting point is 02:01:22 Polly, what do you think about William and his brother here? Have you ever seen... I saw his brother, he's beautiful. do you think about William and his brother here? Have you ever seen- I saw his brother's beautiful. Do you ever see the movie Mississippi Burning? He looks like the fucking grandchild of the dude from Mississippi Burning, dude. All right, we're gonna put a picture of that up on over the podcast so that anybody in the world

Starting point is 02:01:37 knows what you're talking about right now. Is it great? He held onto me. What do I do now? He said that it's a good movie. He just said it Mississippi style. That's what he said. I don't know what's going on right now.

Starting point is 02:01:52 What kind of drugs did you do with Uncle Razor? He had some herpes medication. He gave it to me. He told me to snort it. Paulie went from MTV to UTI real quick. This is incredible. He's a good guy. He wants me to hang out it. He told me to snort it. Paulie went from MTV to UTI real quick. This is incredible.

Starting point is 02:02:06 But he's a good guy. He wants me to hang out with him in his trailer park deep somewhere far from here. Well, I'll be damned. What? I'll be damned. Yeah, he's coming too. What?

Starting point is 02:02:17 Absolutely. Deep Madness. Huge Paulie Shore fan. He's watched all your movies. Much like how William watches the UFC watches with the volume down okay how about I am for Paulie Shore everybody you want to sing a song or something to take us out or something like that. Get us out of here. Dom Irerra has the hit podcast, Yo Dom, how about a hand for Dom Irerra?

Starting point is 02:02:48 Why don't we go? Eleanor's new special, No Country for Old Women is out now on the YouTube Comedy Store. Name a song, Paulie, so they can start playing. The Good Times Roll since fucking Tony Hinchcliffe has created a fucking monster here in motherfucking Austin, Texas. The Good Times Roll.

Starting point is 02:03:05 RichVoss.com, get out of there, buy some merch, buy a shirt at RichVoss.com, R-I-C-H-V-O-S. Let the Good Times Roll, thank you. Talkspace, Squarespace, shout out to all the amazing people that are out here. South by Southwest Weekend is insane. Shout out to the great Peter Shore, Pauly's brother is out there fucking killing it.

Starting point is 02:03:27 Scott Shore, Scott. Scottie's here. The whole Shore family is here. Mitzi is here in spirit always. This whole thing is completely a fucking, an absolute spin off of what she's created with the Comedy Store. The closest thing to a mother that I have in the world

Starting point is 02:03:44 that isn't my actual mother the great late Great Mitzi sure everybody the drawing from Ryan J. Eba was in the drawing from Chris Rogers is over there Let's let the good times roll play some fucking music sing it Polly We gotta have the girl that was handing out drinks dance too. Heidi, get up here. Come on, Heidi. Where's Heidi at? The stunning Heidi is here. Yeah! There she goes. No, dance with him. Dance with him.

Starting point is 02:04:13 Here we go. Two, three, four. He's not dancing. That's not the good times roll. That's like some weird stop stop. The cars. Good times roll, bro. Two, three, four. ["Good Times Roll"] You think the band doesn't know this song? Let the good times roll.

Starting point is 02:04:36 Let the good times roll. Why, what the fuck are you throwing me under the bus for? He's texting his friend. Matt's texting the madness right now. I don't know what's happening. They don't know it. They don't know it. No, no, no. They don't know it.

Starting point is 02:04:57 They're a little bit younger than you, Polly. They don't know it. You have a newer song? Why don't we do Flowers by Miley Cyrus? Everyone likes that. The girls do flowers by Miley Cyrus everyone likes that The girls right flowers by Miley Cyrus It sounds like this way cut cut it sounds like the fucking same song you just played You guys are trying to get rid of me dude, that's no you started let No, you started Let the Good Times Roll with the chorus. There's verses. Do you know the verses?

Starting point is 02:05:30 The blind guy's friends fucking got it. What? Let the stories be toe-oh. Let them show what they want. Uh oh, let them show what they want. Let the stories be told. Let them show what you want. There's people Googling how they can get a refund in the audience. Let the good times.

Starting point is 02:05:58 That's it. Where are you going? What the fuck? No, dance. Where are you going? Wait. Dom Herrera, everybody. Dom Herrera, thank you guys for coming out. The podcast, Yo Dom, every week. Pauly, sing me, son of a bitch.

Starting point is 02:06:21 Oh, there goes Pauly Shore. Pauly Shore, everybody. Eleanor's new special is out. Richvoss.com. Tickets for Madison Square Garden and the Forum. I think we just released a few more. They're out there. Very, very little time left. It's all happening folks. Red Rose, Yellow Rose, Gel Blaster, Talkspace and Squarespace. Everybody have a good time tonight? Red band?

Starting point is 02:06:54 Check out the Sunset Strip comedy club, Sunset Strip ATX.com. I love you guys! We love you. Thank you. Good night everybody! I'm out. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. You

KILL TONY - #657 - RICH VOS + DOM IRERA + ELEANOR KERRIGAN

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