KILL TONY - #660 - ELAINE + IAN EDWARDS

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at DeathSquad.TV. And don't forget to check out everything Tony Hinchcliffe at TonyHinchcliffe.com. And the Sunset Strips, my new comedy club in Austin, Texas. Go to SunsetStripATX.com and now here's a brand new episode of Killtone. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new night of their lives, huh? Yeah, Miku Nakura again, everybody.

Starting point is 00:01:12 We're here. You made it. Mama, we made it. Here at the number one live podcast in the world, Kill Tony, brought to you by some amazing sponsors. Yoni, I didn't get that, I didn't get the three that I had to write down. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Starting point is 00:01:35 Huh? On the horns, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Nick Lewis joining us on the bass, or as I call him, sea madness, because he can see. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar,

Starting point is 00:01:59 and our dear band leader, the great and powerful John Dees on the keys, who wrangles these people, finds the best musicians in the city for us to play with. So much fun. Truly, I always say this, but I fucking mean it. An action-packed show loaded up and ready to go tonight. Some very special appearances by very special people. It's all gonna go down all at once. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible

Starting point is 00:02:39 the Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. See yourself buying a home one day? Do future you a favor. Open a Questrade First Home Savings account and help that future come faster. The FHSA is a tax-free account where all your investment gains are yours to keep and put towards your first home. With Questrade you can open an FHSA online, no bank appointment needed. It's easy and only takes a few minutes. The sooner you get started, the more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at questrade.com.

Starting point is 00:03:24 Greatest duos trading cards have arrived at Tim's with two hockey icons on every more time your down payment has to grow. Open an account today at questrade.com. Greatest duos trading cards have arrived at Tim's with two hockey icons on every card, like Matthew and Brady Kachuk, rivals, teammates, family, and more. Connected like never before. Head to Tim's and get yours today at participating restaurants in Canada.

Starting point is 00:03:41 This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda. It's made with pH-balancing minerals and crafted with skin conditioning oils. So whether you're going for a run or just running late, do what life throws your way, and smell like you didn't. Find secret at your nearest Walmart or Shopper's Drug Mart today. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Well, well, well. This is one of those nights that will, I believe, live in Kiltoni history.

Starting point is 00:04:23 Two unbelievable comedians. One of them I've been working with continuously for 17 years, a legend of the Comedy Store. One I just found here a few days ago, randomly. She was performing in The Little Boy and I saw her set and I fell in love. We ended up drinking together all night, and she is one of my new favorite comedians in the world.

Starting point is 00:04:53 This is her first time on panel at Killtonia. I do believe her first time ever on a podcast. So here are our guests. Make some noise for two of the greats. Elaine and Ian Edwards, everybody. Elaine and Ian Edwards, everybody. Elaine and Ian Edwards. There's Elaine. Make some noise for Elaine, her first time on the show.

Starting point is 00:05:12 Oh, a nail just fell off. A nail... You lost a nail, Elaine. There you go. Who wants it? Come on, there you go. This little Mexican boy wants it. There you go. How about one more time for Ian Edwards,

Starting point is 00:05:24 ladies and gentlemen, one of the greats. Come on, there you go. This little Mexican boy wants it. There you go. How about one more time for Ian Edwards, ladies and gentlemen, one of the greats. This episode brought to you by Skylight Frame and Game Time, by the way, for those of you wondering who our amazing sponsors are. Ian Edwards, welcome back, my friend. How's it going? It's good to be here, man.

Starting point is 00:05:41 Absolutely. This is a fun show to be at, sitting next to Elaine. I can smell how old she is That's my pussy Which is the name of my documentary out on Hulu That's my pussy is the name of your documentary Wow should it have been something else Tony. I mean I felt a fish I Will look into changing it. Okay. Red Band, nice to see you with your clothes on.

Starting point is 00:06:09 I used to work in a massage parlor. Red Band would come in with his dick already out. And let's just say he thinks the butthole's the G-spot. Hit me. All right, let's get it going. Here we fucking go. Elaine has joined the fray. I'm very excited about this.

Starting point is 00:06:32 Maybe you heard me give the audience our little intro last week, but we got drunk together. Turns out she's been doing stand-up comedy for exactly 50 years. How about a hand for 50 years? Come on, I ain't dead yet. She's 74 years old. but we got drunk together. Turns out she's been doing stand-up comedy for exactly 50 years. How about a hand for 50 years? Come on, I ain't dead yet. She's 74 years old, started when she was 24, and I caught a set in the Little Boy.

Starting point is 00:06:53 Adam Eaget, the booker of the club, was in the back of the room howling. She was talking about, what was it, your... pussy? I think it was. I do a few pussy jokes, but he really liked the way that I said the N-word, so... Right. I'm just kidding. I do a few pussy jokes, but he really liked the way that I said the N-word, so. Right, right. I'm just kidding.

Starting point is 00:07:07 I said the whole thing. But it... No, no. You could say it back in the day, but I love the Mothership, greatest club in the world, and you know, this is as close as I'll ever get to Superstardom, so here we go. I love it, Elaine. This is your first time on Killtoni, so you might not know that over 200 innocent souls signed up for tonight's show.

Starting point is 00:07:27 Absolutely. Look at all those losers in there, huh? Anything can happen. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds of standup comedy time uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

Starting point is 00:07:41 And that cuts off their time. I interview them after that. That scare you a little bit. Let's just say some blood came out of... Yeah, it scared me. Oh, my goodness. But to get tonight's show started, I'm going to pre-pull a name. Whoop. We'll grab that one, too.

Starting point is 00:08:03 I'll take that one. I'll trade you my name for too. I'll take that one. I'll trade you my nail for that. We'll load them up. This looks great. And we'll get both of those people wrangled up from the bar across the street, the Sixth Street famous bar Poor Choices,

Starting point is 00:08:16 which is a real scummy bar, by the way. But we love them. We love scummy bars. Vulcan Gas Company, Poor Choices, Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We love scummy bars. Vulcan Gas Company, Poor Choices, Sunset Strip Comedy Club. We love shitty 6th Street bars. That's what we take pride, Austin takes pride. More bars per capita than any other city.

Starting point is 00:08:34 It's incredible. Get $2 shots over at Poor Choices anytime you want. But while we wrangle those comedians, some of you may know that we have a new regular that starts the show. Oh, the lovely Heidi. Ooh, listen to the crowd pop for Heidi, everybody. It's happening.

Starting point is 00:08:52 Hilltoni fame affects everybody. To get tonight's show started, a fucking force of nature, ladies and gentlemen. This guy's been filling in for the great Hans Kim for months while he prepares for his huge show at the Forum. The rematch between Hans Kim and Rick Diaz will be live streamed from the Forum. But filling in for him, the newest regular,

Starting point is 00:09:17 absolute sensation, this guy just did theater with me this weekend in San Jose. He crushes. Let's see a brand new minute from the one and only Casey Rocket. Thank you. Yeah, all right. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. La Princesa. All right.

Starting point is 00:09:54 Okay. Oh, I got to get out of here. I blacked out in Kalanipin last night, and apparently I kept making my girlfriend listen to pro-union coal-mining music again, so it's just, which side are you on, Lord? You know, she's crying, that old chestnut. Ha-ha-ha.

Starting point is 00:10:11 When are you gonna get help, you know? I'll tell you who needs help, the coal miners, but that's fucking Biden's America, you know what I mean? I, uh... Just pop it one second. All right. Cool. I wish all drugs gave you flashbacks. You know, people always say Just pop it one second. All right.

Starting point is 00:10:25 I wish all drugs gave you flashbacks. You know, people always say that about LSD, that it gets stored in your bones or whatever, which is such a scary thing to tell someone on LSD, right? You know, like, what bones? And whose bones? And I wish you could just be walking through the mall with your friends and just pop your hip,

Starting point is 00:10:47 just get a ketamine flashback from Bonnaroo 2012. You know, you're just... Oh, so they're called Minions. So... Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr I don't want to go to Spencer's gifts anymore. Thank you. Casey Rocket. All right. There it is again. The man, the myth, the crab man. Casey, motherfucking Rocket, has striked again. I squeezed too hard.

Starting point is 00:11:20 Yeah. I squeezed too hard. That's wild. I used to do that when I was a little kid. I used to do that thing where I'd make my face all red. I think I would die if I did too hard. That's wild. I used to do that when I was a little kid. I used to do that thing where I'd make my face all red. I think I would die if I did it now. Yeah, it was fun. I squeezed too hard. No. Another amazing performance, Casey. I loved the eyeballs.

Starting point is 00:11:38 Very scary. Was anyone scared? Let's get a show of hands. Oh, there's a lot of hands up in the air, shockingly. At a comedy show, you genuinely had people scared. Terrified. Terrified. Thank you. She's gorgeous. Are you tired? Yes. You move around so quickly. I know. It was just one minute, and I tensed too hard.

Starting point is 00:11:56 One time, I used to do the Dutchman's Key. My favorite bit ever. Which is where I put a lead key in my mouth, and, uh, that's it. And, uh... My favorite bit ever. Which is where I put a lead key in my mouth and... That's it. And... Well. That's about it. And one time I had the lead key, so I'm kind of dipping the key,

Starting point is 00:12:13 and it's leaking lead in my blood, and I tensed real hard, and I had to sit down on stage for, like, five minutes, something about the lead. And... He puts a key in his mouth and proceeds on with minutes and minutes and minutes of his act before coughing up the key. It's something you really got to see live, I guess, for it to translate how hilarious it is.

Starting point is 00:12:36 But when he's in full action and moving around, you realize that he's had a key in his mouth for a lot of the performance. The payoff is huge. Again. You remind me of one of my grandson's friends. His name's Craig, and he also was missing some teeth. Good. And he also titty fucked me upon meeting me.

Starting point is 00:12:59 So play your cards right, Casey, and take this rocket ship to tittyuck Galaxy or wherever you want to go. You could go to an Applebee's. Why? Yeah. Why am I blushing? It doesn't make any sense. Sounds like a personal problem.

Starting point is 00:13:16 When was this, when did this Teddyfucking take place? Well, you know, back in, you know, everything's, well, it was about an hour ago, but it was, no, it was, I don't know, back in, you know, everything's... Well, it was about an hour ago, but it was, uh... No, it was, I don't know, 1975. People have been teddy-fucking for years. Right, Ian? Yeah, yeah, that's what we do. Thanks, Ian. Ian, have you seen K.C. Rocket before?

Starting point is 00:13:38 Uh, shit, I still didn't see him. He was moving so fast. Very fast, very fast. He is a squiggler. Yeah, you are. Are you, you take any substances? Totally clean. Really?

Starting point is 00:13:52 Yeah, I'm sober. I've been sober for many years, yeah. You feel like you're on an Adderall right now. No, no, no, just me. Smallfuck is the human form of Adderall. Yeah. That's what everybody thinks. Surprisingly, he's one of the only sober people

Starting point is 00:14:07 in this venue right now. Now, is there a drug that you could be caused into participating in? Like, if Joe Rogan came through here and was like, let's do bumps of coke off Elaine's tits, what would you do? Good question. Sorry, that's a bad Joe Rogan impression, but...

Starting point is 00:14:24 What would you say, Casey? What would I say? And it happens, like, tonight? Like, it's, like, Monday night? Let's say I call him right now, and he... I don't have his number. Let's say Tony calls him. And he goes, yeah, what's up? What's going on? Is there a bow and arrow down there? And he comes down.

Starting point is 00:14:39 And I go, yeah, there's a bow and arrow, but you got to... The only way to get it is by doing Coke Off My Tits with the newest muppet. I guess what I'm saying is, would you do Coke with somebody if they asked you? Could you be peer pressured, Casey? We're all human beings. We could be peer pressured. Uh, yeah, if you guys wanted it really bad,

Starting point is 00:14:57 I guess, yeah, I could. Does anybody have any cocaine? I didn't think you would actually say yes to that. Well, good for you. Straight Edge is cool. Yeah, yeah, it's punk rock. Does anybody have any cocaine? I didn't think you would actually say yes to that. Well, good for you. Straight Edge is cool. Yeah, yeah, it's punk rock, rock and roll stuff. I got it. Casey is scared to death right now.

Starting point is 00:15:13 I've never seen that look in your eyes exactly. An unbelievable weekend on the road. We had so much goddamn fun. Casey is absolutely hilarious in the green rooms, at the restaurants, at the coffee shops, at the airport. You're a bundle of positive energy. I love you. Way to get tonight's show started. That's it. Thank you, guys.

Starting point is 00:15:33 Appreciate it. That's all there is. Casey Rockett, the newest regular. All right. And so it shall begin. I pre-pulled two names. We're gonna see, hopefully, they come out in the right order here. And so it shall begin. I pre-pulled two names. We're gonna see, hopefully, they come out in the right order here. Make some noise for your first comedian.

Starting point is 00:15:51 Ladies and gentlemen, let's do 60 seconds uninterrupted from Lino Rodriguez. Lino Rodriguez, everybody. Here we go. Straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen. Hello, my name is Lino Rodriguez. I'm a door guy on 6th Street. And right now my main diet is pizza and cigarettes, you know? I really gotta stop eating cigarettes. Uh, uh.

Starting point is 00:16:16 I'm actually Puerto Rican. I'm a Puerto Rican that can't speak Spanish, though. If I had to compare that to anything, I think it'd be like being a Catholic priest that doesn't fuck kids. Uh... Everyone expects me to. But I'm just one of the good ones. Uh...

Starting point is 00:16:34 I wasn't raised that way. Um... The other day, I was hanging out watching my new favorite movie, Tala Perry's Medea Goes to Palestine, and... And... Oh, my God, just get a learn. Oh.

Starting point is 00:16:52 Uh... Uh... I started to think about how I like to do Molly and compliment bald people on their eyebrows, you know? Whoo! I started to think about how I like to do Molly and compliment bald people on their eyebrows, you know? They don't really hear that anymore. I actually think they should start dying their heads like Easter eggs. That'd be fucking... All right. I'm Lino.

Starting point is 00:17:17 Thank you so much. Thank you. Lino Rodriguez, our first bucket pull of the night. A slow start and a sluggish ending, but the middle was amazing there. You got laughs. I didn't think any of it was funny, but this is a hot crowd. This is the best April Fool's set I've ever seen.

Starting point is 00:17:37 Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, it's good. It's good. Ian Edwards? I mean, what's the irony of him doing a Tyler Perry joke and I'm sitting next to white Madea? It is absolutely a fantastic point. Good point, Ian. Now you had some stuff about fucking kids in the middle that really piqued my interest. Because that's a real issue facing our country.

Starting point is 00:18:04 It is. Thank you so much. Yes. So what is it about that that you find humorous? Like where did that joke come from, I guess? I want to get inside your head for a minute. Got you. Everybody expects it to happen, you know,

Starting point is 00:18:21 when you're brown or if you're a Catholic priest, either way they want it. We got it, we got it, Lino. Okay, you know, when you're brown or if you're a Catholic priest, either way they want it. We got it, we got it, Lino. Okay, over here, Lino. How long have you been doing stand-up? About two, three years now. Okay, you live here in Austin for how long?

Starting point is 00:18:35 A year. Where did you live before that? I lived in New Orleans. And I... Oh, some fans of New Orleans in the crowd. How do you think I got all these beats? That's right. Oh, wow. Sucking.

Starting point is 00:18:48 Come on, Red Band. Come on. There you go. Red Band had six necklaces in his car. That's so hot. Salino, you're Puerto Rican. You can't speak Spanish. I've never seen a green Puerto Rican person before. What exactly is your diet?

Starting point is 00:19:06 You made a joke about eating cigarettes that literally silenced every part of the city. I worked inside for a while, so I think it just started to turn Greek after a while. I don't know. Uh-huh. I work from home. And I work at night now, so I'm like a pale, I guess.

Starting point is 00:19:25 What do you do from home during the day? I used to work on AI cars. I used to help program those. AI cars? Yeah, AV cars, like Google cars and things like that, the self-driving cars. Okay. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:19:37 Hook us up, fam. Oh, no, they didn't give me shit. But it was cool. Puerto Rican take that shit. Yeah. So now you want to... Hang on, he steal real cars? Oh, I get you. Yeah, we can figure that out together. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:57 Okay. That is the birth of crime, ladies and gentlemen. That's how it happens. A Puerto Rican and a black. That's my favorite Pornhub search. Hit me, fellas. There it is. Little late, little late. Little late, like my period. Thanks, Redman. Hello.

Starting point is 00:20:16 Hit me. There it is. Hit me. That's all. Off to what Redman asked me to do to him last night. Whoa. Takes a lot to make him come. So how old are you? Did you say that already? Oh, I'm 27.

Starting point is 00:20:29 27. You look like you're 46. Yeah. What's it like being 27 in 2024? Oh, it's hard. Okay. All right. There's the Pornhub sound a minute and a half after the Pornhub joke,

Starting point is 00:20:44 for those of you keeping track of Red Band in the zone tonight already. Lino, have you been on this show before? Yes, I actually got on a couple of weeks ago. How did that go for you? Not as good. Not as good. Maybe for me.

Starting point is 00:20:58 I know everyone seemed to have a good time. So I'm cool with that. OK, don't do that. Yeah, don't do that. Don't do that, Lino. Sorry. Ever again. So Lino what did we not find out about you in your last interview that would be interesting? What was the main frame of the

Starting point is 00:21:14 interview last time you were on? What was the most interesting thing we found out about you? What did I make jokes about? Talk about? Yeah I had a real kick about my dad getting murdered. You thought that was good? Oh yeah. We'll be right back. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:21:28 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Elaine, Elaine is on fire. Now's a good time for me to promote. Elaine, for some reason, decided to plug Adam Ray Comedy on YouTube. Um. A brand new crowd work special from Adam Ray.

Starting point is 00:21:44 I don't know what you and Adam have going on, Elaine, but fucking... Well, the way that Red Band is into Latinas, I'm into Jews. I love it. Now, do you mind me asking what happened? Is this a, I don't want to pour salt on a band aid, but what, what happened to your father?

Starting point is 00:22:03 He got merged with a baseball bat. I mean, he got beat up by a couple of guys, but one of them had a bat. Right. And what, did any hit him upside the head? Yeah, a couple of times. God damn it. Do you have the video? This is the actual. We have audio from the... There you go. There was a referee there. Why was there a referee there, Red Dan?

Starting point is 00:22:23 It was also in a bowling alley. So not a lot of people know that. Did you know that? Did you know that your father was murdered in a bowling alley? Not in this news to me. Okay. So what did we, you probably went home that night thinking,

Starting point is 00:22:38 wow, I probably should have brought up something else or talked about something else about my entire life. What do we not know about you, Lino? Oh, shit, man. What don't you know about me? Maybe you didn't think about it at all. No, I didn't. Actually, I've been in a car chase once.

Starting point is 00:22:51 That was crazy. Okay. With the police? No, with a hillbilly. Okay. What happened? Take us through it. What did you do?

Starting point is 00:23:00 Well, my friends and I were out having a good time, and they decided, hey, let's... I don't know, the statute of limitations, how long is that? You're good. All right, cool. Uh... This guy insists on an interview being boring. I don't want to break the law now. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:23:15 Allegedly. And they decided to jump out of the car and start hitting mailboxes. And then halfway through that... How old were you during this? I was, like, 16. Okay. And, uh... Dad's still alive? this? I was like 16. Okay.

Starting point is 00:23:25 And, uh... Dad's still alive? No. Right. He's been gone. There's no one to fucking... No one to spank you. Just doing whatever you want in a fatherless fucking society.

Starting point is 00:23:39 Typical Puerto Rican childhood. You want to feel my tits, Lino? Of course. I feel bad for you. Do you want to feel his? Yeah, we can feel his. I feel bad for you. I just, you know, it's...

Starting point is 00:23:55 I'd love to. All right, let's do it. Okay, well let's finish up your story. Yeah, let's hear about the car chase. And then halfway through, I heard this voice say, he done fucked up now. Coming from like really far away from me. And then all of a sudden, a truck was on our ass. And I was in a Bronco, like an old 2002 Bronco, so I started whipping that bitch.

Starting point is 00:24:19 And I got the fuck out. I drove as fast as I could through backwoods in Mississippi and my friends said hit a right. So I did. And then when I did, I sort of slid into it. Then I heard, and then they crashed into the woods and I got the fuck out of there. Doofs of Hanzel style. I know it's really, wow.

Starting point is 00:24:41 I hope you understood what I said, my man. I didn't realize Mississippi had Asian drivers. Um, okay. I'm gonna go ahead and take back the tit off, or is that okay? That's fine. That story's done. I understand completely.

Starting point is 00:24:53 Lino, what is your love life like? The world wants to know. How's Lino's pussy game? You look like the guy that answers the door at a haunted Mexican restaurant. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:25:05 Very funny, Tony. I don't know. That deserves more laughter. It's all right. That was a very funny joke. That's why it's your show. Yeah. Do this for me.

Starting point is 00:25:14 It's been a weird year. I got married and divorced last year. How did that happen? Okay, there we go. Now we're getting somewhere. Now we're cooking with gas. Yeah. Let's go. Now we're getting somewhere. Now we're cooking with gas. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:25:27 He asked you one hour ago, has there anything happened that you didn't tell us from the last show? And now you just bring that shit up? Yeah. Yeah, thanks for that. I ran a red light with Forrest Gump. Bullshit story. You got a dead dad and a divorce story.

Starting point is 00:25:46 Just locked and loaded in those fucking Abercrombie pockets. We're finding out a lot more. There's a lot more. This is like a Puerto Rican Forrest Gump over here. I'm excited about that. So tell us about the marriage and divorce. Oh man, it was quick. How'd you meet her?

Starting point is 00:26:01 Well, she saw me doing comedy once. Oh God. Was that when you got divorced? No. And she liked my style. Oh, boy. Did you say style? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:18 Infatuated. Especially fat. So, she saw you do comedy. How long were you together before you decided to get married? Good question. About a year or so. Okay. Yeah, it was pretty fast.

Starting point is 00:26:32 How did you propose to her? That's always something that the ladies care about. We want to be romanced and impressed. I was at an amusement park in Gatlinsburg. Oh. In front of a Ferris wheel with a ring. I believe that's where slavery ended or something like that. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:47 I got... What happened at Del Taco? Now, what did she say? You said what? You said, I love you. It's only been a year, but let's do this. What'd you say? Basically, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:26:58 We'd been talking about it. She brought it up. I was into it, but it was all me, dude. I liked her. What made you want to get married, though? I don't know. That's a great question. When you're in that shit, it just sort of happens.

Starting point is 00:27:11 Okay. Yeah. Did she let you titty fuck her? Yeah. Okay. Okay. Hell yeah. What the fuck was that, bud?

Starting point is 00:27:20 Damn. So how long were you married until divorce came on the table, and why was divorce imminent? It was four months we were married. And then what happened? It actually took a little longer for us to get married. It also took a little longer to get the answer to my fucking question.

Starting point is 00:27:37 Jesus Christ. The numbers don't matter. It just blew up, toxic. How? What? Come on, give us an example of the toxicity of your city of your city. All right, all right, you know, finding out they're not like, you know, faithful. Or like, you know.

Starting point is 00:27:50 Was that what happened? Yeah, yeah, just cheating and shit, you know. How did you find out that she was cheating on you? Ah, she was supposed to be on a trip in Hawaii. Uh-huh. And she was in Texas. Okay, how did you find this out? Oh, dude. Did you have one of your cars follow

Starting point is 00:28:06 her? No, no, no. Funny, funny Ian. I might have to plead the fifth on this one. Why would you plead the fifth on this? You're on a podcast right now where interviews happen and anything can happen. You're right, you're right. You're right. Because I... Here we go. Okay. Jesus Christ. All right. He's not gonna save you here. He doesn't have Wi-Fi up there.

Starting point is 00:28:32 You're more nervous now than when you did your one minute. Yeah. Whoa, Jesus. Well, you know, I was cleaning the house, getting ready for her to come back for the trip. Uh-huh. And I checked her location because she said she was gonna go visit her family. In Hawaii? No, she was just with friends. She was gonna... Mississippi is where I'm ready for her to come back for the trip. And I checked her location because she said she was going to go visit her family.

Starting point is 00:28:45 In Hawaii? No, she was just with friends. Mississippi is where I'm from. And when I found her location, it said she's three minutes down the road in Texas. Oh, boy. Yeah. So I went there.

Starting point is 00:29:00 Ooh. And she was there with someone I knew. Oh, no. Who was the someone that you knew? A friend of yours? I don't know if I should do all that. You don't need to name a name, you fucking idiot. Don't name a name.

Starting point is 00:29:11 A friend of mine, I thought so. A friend of yours. Yeah. Right. Should we call that friend right now? No, no, no, no, no. I'm so sorry. Look, but guess what? When you get cheated on, it makes you stronger.

Starting point is 00:29:23 Oh, yeah. You learn about yourself. Yeah, I got laid last week. I've been, you know, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been,

Starting point is 00:29:31 I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I've been, I. Well, I'm so sorry, but guess what? When you get cheated on, it makes you stronger. You know, you learn about yourself. Yeah, I got laid last week.

Starting point is 00:29:48 It was, I've been- Oh, that happened last week? Yes, I got with ladies last week. How did, what happened there? We're gonna go back to this, by the way. Elaine tried to bail you out with that phone call shit. We're going back to it, but what happened last week? I met a nice lady.

Starting point is 00:30:03 We went out, it was cool, so. Okay, fuck it then, good job, great interview. I'm still gonna squeeze you for this, we're going back. Here we go, hey over here Lino, stop making fucking noises with your mouth. Answer the questions that I asked you, are you ready? Yes, I'm ready, I'm ready. So, when you went to the house with your friend

Starting point is 00:30:20 and your wife, what exactly happened? Oh man. This part's easy, this part's easy. You just tell us what happened. Instead of all the prefacing shit and everything. I know, I know, I'm sorry. I walked up to the door and I looked in the window and they were on the couch together.

Starting point is 00:30:36 What were they doing on the couch? They were hanging out under some blankets and shit, you know? Under some blankets or on some blankets? Under. Under, well how did you know it was them under the blankets? How did you not know that it was? I could see them. Like it was- You could see? Under. Under. Well, how did you know it was them under the blankets? How did you not know that it was...

Starting point is 00:30:46 I could see them. You could see their heads. Yeah. And they were... Were they watching a movie? What were they watching, Lino? Elaine, I don't know if you noticed, he's not good at answering questions.

Starting point is 00:30:57 We've got to kind of keep him one track at a time here. So then what happened? Did you knock on the door? Yeah. And then what happened? Did you knock on the door? Yeah. And then what happened? They said... They said, no, they said, get out of here.

Starting point is 00:31:12 They told you to get out of here? Yeah, get out of here. What are you doing here? Oh, you're trying to make jokes again. Wait, let's act this out. Keep the music on, Red Band. You be the guy, I'll be his girl, okay? Ready? Give me a knock. Oh, shit! Fuck.

Starting point is 00:31:26 Get out of here. Get out of here. What are you doing here? Lino, what are you doing here? I thought you were supposed to be in Hawaii. Oh wait. No, I thought I was supposed to... Fuck.

Starting point is 00:31:38 Sorry. Sorry. I'm not into brown guys anymore. I'm into black guys. Damn. Is that what you said? What did you say? I said, what the fuck are you doing here?

Starting point is 00:31:54 Why are you here? I thought you were in Hawaii. Well, our flight got changed. Okay, hold on, Elaine. What did she say when you said you're supposed to be in Hawaii? She ran off. Where did she say when you said you're supposed to be in Hawaii? She ran off. Where did she run off to?

Starting point is 00:32:06 The bedroom. Oh, back there where she was safe. Yeah. Did you chase her? No. No, that was it. No, but it erupted some, yeah, it was bad. Was you, did you and your buddy almost fight?

Starting point is 00:32:19 Oh, not really. I was more, I was gonna fight him, but I was more concerned with the other bullshit that was going on. I didn't care about him. He's a fucking piece of shit, you know? Right. Yeah, so I was more worried about what's happening, you know? Right.

Starting point is 00:32:34 Never got an answer. But the divorce was quick and easy because you caught her cheating. Yeah. You didn't have to pay any of your door guy money or anything like that, right? No, no, no, no. That's... That's ongoing bullshit, you know? But, uh, no. I'm still ballin'. Okay. All right. You got a little joke book last time?

Starting point is 00:32:54 Yeah, I got a little joke book. Such interesting things about you. It's such a terrible interview. It's absolutely incredible. Redman, will you hit me with some music real quick? Uh-oh. Elaine, uh-oh. It's such a terrible interview. It's absolutely incredible. Red Man, will you hit me with some music real quick? Uh-oh. Elaine?

Starting point is 00:33:06 Uh-oh. Whoa. Whoa, he finally got some color in his face. Whoa. I love it. All right. I hope that makes up for your dead dad. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I love it. All right.

Starting point is 00:33:25 I hope that makes up for your dead dad. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Lino Rodriguez. There he goes, everybody. There he goes. All right. Lino Rodriguez. Okay.

Starting point is 00:33:37 And yet, it has begun. Hey y'all, this podcast is sponsored by Game Time. Look, I'm in the business of selling tickets. And I want to make sure if you're buying a ticket to a live event, you're in good hands. You shouldn't have to worry when you buy tickets to your next big event. Game Time is the fast and easy way to buy tickets for all the sports, music, comedy, and theater events near you. With killer last minute deals, all-in prices, views from your seat, and their lowest price

Starting point is 00:34:04 guarantee, Game Time takes the guesswork out of buying tickets or Red Band. This app is so easy to use, Tony. They got last minute deals, which can save you up to 60% off buying last minute for sports, concerts, comedy, and theater. It's also incredibly easy to find and buy tickets for every kind of event in your area.

Starting point is 00:34:23 You can get panoramic views from your seat and the venue before you buy. Ooh, amazing Red Band. Game Time gives you the lowest price guarantee or they will credit you 110% of the difference. Not to mention your purchase is covered with the most flexible customer service policy in the ticketing industry.

Starting point is 00:34:39 Take the guesswork out of buying tickets with Game Time. Download the Game Time app, create an account, use code KILTONY for $20 off your first purchase. Terms apply. Again, create an account, redeem code K-I-L-L-T-O-N-Y for $20 off, that's why. Download the Game Time app today. Last minute tickets, lowest price, guaranteed.

Starting point is 00:34:59 Hey y'all, ask any mom out there. Running a busy household can be pure chaos and stressful for the whole family. Who has what when, what's for dinner, what we need from the grocery store, did someone feed the dog? The mental load can be hard to stay on top of. But there's a way to make it all easier for mom and the entire family. The Skylight Calendar, Red Band. The Skylight Calendar is a smart touchscreen calendar and organizer for all your chores, groceries, to-do lists,

Starting point is 00:35:20 and a great way to manage appointments to make sure they never overlap and they're never missed. It helps keep busy households on track and everyone on the same page so families can get time back for moments that matter. That's right, Red Band, I love this calendar and I'm gonna gift it to every mom I know for Mother's Day because that's the kind of guy I am. Skylight calendar is super easy to set up,

Starting point is 00:35:43 no more constant reminders, no more cluttered paper calendars, no more worrying that someone has forgotten something. When the calendar is super easy to set up no more constant reminders no more cluttered paper calendars No more worrying that someone has forgotten something when the calendar is not in use you can turn it into a digital picture frame That's what I have 100% satisfaction guaranteed if you don't love the skylight calendar you'll receive a full refund they even offer 120-day money-back guarantee and free returns is a special limited time offer for our listeners get 15% off your calendar Right now when you go to skylightcal.com slash tony get your skylight calendar now that's s-k-y-l-i-g-h-t-c-a-l dot com slash tony mother's

Starting point is 00:36:14 day is right around the corner so order today and get 15% off your purchase at skylightcal.com slash tony so here we go your next bucket pull ladies and gentlemen, a minute uninterrupted goes to Jerry Carlin everybody. Here we go with Jerry Carlin. I had a mustache for a while but I think it looked silly on me, so I started clean-shaving my pubes. I used to be a cutter, but now I just spit on people. My grandpa is starting to lose his judgment. He can't really drive anymore. And there was a blackout in his neighborhood,

Starting point is 00:37:06 and he almost shot the guy. Sometimes I would like to be black, but makeup is expensive. If Kanye West has taught us anything, it's that the Jews ain't worth the squeeze. A sex worker bit my dick once, so it was half off. Stop right there. Okay, Jerry Carlin, very good.

Starting point is 00:37:49 Little, uh, some good old fucking, old fashioned, I love it, smart one-liners. Thank you. Delivered straight down the barrel. Welcome to the show, Jerry. This is your first time on, correct? Yes. I would recognize you.

Starting point is 00:38:03 I do believe I saw you in that new Nickelodeon documentary. Jerry, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up? This is my second time. Second time ever? Wow. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:38:17 How long have you been writing and preparing for this? These jokes, maybe a month or so. And how old are you? Just writing, I'm 21. 21 years old, look at this. A fantastic start to your career. You going to college, what's your story? No, just high school, I don't really want college.

Starting point is 00:38:38 You're still in high school, okay. All right, you are the world's youngest pedophile, I do believe. 21 out there chasing high schoolers around. You gotta love it. Ian Edwards? I mean, he's so young, he looks like he has a skin routine. And I'm getting strong school shooter vibes at the same time. Yeah, you look like the molester and the molesty at the same time. Yeah, you look like the molester

Starting point is 00:39:05 and the molesty at the same time. It's true. It's true. But that's a compliment, because that's a tough gig to get. You're very funny. Your jokes are great. The structure's good. There's a lot of misdirection. What's your writing process like?

Starting point is 00:39:21 Um... Sometime tonight. I don't know. I just, you know, lie in bed. They come to me, I guess. I don't really write. I'm noticing that your writing started right when Texas made PornHub illegal.

Starting point is 00:39:40 Is there any truth to you replacing your porn addiction with a love for stand-up comedy? I actually don't watch porn, actually. Wow. Prove it. Hold on. What's your process there, then? Imagination? Where do you fucking Willy Wonka?

Starting point is 00:39:56 What's going on over here? Very vivid imagination. Okay. What do you picture when you are pleasing yourself? Good question, Tony. Now I'm the pedophile somehow. I don't know how the switch happened. I'm just trying to host a show, but I made it creepy. I'm a big fan of prostitutes. Some of those jokes are true.

Starting point is 00:40:14 Oh, my goodness gracious. Look at you. You didn't even smile after he said that. That is amazing. A 21-year-old into the imaginary thoughts of a prostitute. Just the thought of a woman charging money... is enough to get him off. Ian Edwards?

Starting point is 00:40:31 Now, when you say prostitutes, you mean killing them or fucking them? Good question, Ian. Or both. Both, of course. Yeah. Absolutely amazing. Jerry Carlin.

Starting point is 00:40:42 Is there... Now, I've done a little bit of walking the streets late at night to make some extra cash, right? A woman of the night. Oh, yeah, it's a tough gig, but there's, you know, you have to make sure your price points are fair. So what, I guess what would be, if I would,

Starting point is 00:40:56 you know, if I showed you my menu of sexual favors, what would, what's too much, right? Like for anal, how much would you pay? How much would I pay for anal? Yes. I think that's what I just fucking asked. Yeah. Yes.

Starting point is 00:41:06 Some really tough interviews so far tonight. It is... I would say under, under 50. What? Whoa! You dirty little boy. Holy shit. Gus, she's freaking out about that.

Starting point is 00:41:18 She was so offended by that price. And she's right. That is. And she's right. Our buttholes are precious, right? Now, did you mean 50 cents and $50? Cents. Cents. Okay, okay, okay. That's fair.

Starting point is 00:41:29 Stick with me here, Jerry. How much for a blowjob on this menu of, uh... Oh, let's see. $5. $5. $5 blowjob. This is incredible. You sweet... Are you a virgin? No, no, no. Prove it. That is the craziest yes I've ever heard in my life.

Starting point is 00:41:46 Psst. Yeah, I think you are. I just, I need to... Okay, so let's say you and I are in the bedroom. What sort of noises do you make? Ready? Oh, I'm silent. Welcome to another episode of We All Knew That Already. Okay, Jerry, you're 21. How you making money out there on these wild streets?

Starting point is 00:42:05 Dordache, Uber Eats. Okay, just driving around. I love it. What kind of car do you have? Hyundai Elantra. What's your license plate? Okay. I love it.

Starting point is 00:42:16 What's your living situation? You still with your parents? Yeah, still with my parents. They live here in Austin? Yeah. Okay. So born and raised in Austin, when did you decide or think that you wanted to maybe perhaps try stand-up comedy?

Starting point is 00:42:28 When did this all start? I didn't even discover comedy until after 18, but just watching it. Did your parents keep you kind of away from things on- No, I just never stumbled across it, I guess. What were you doing, playing video games or something? No, I hate video games. Okay, what were you doing?

Starting point is 00:42:44 I'm a huge TV fan. I don't talk to people. Ooh. This guy might be a true comedian we're finding here. This is incredible. You do, but for somebody who doesn't talk to me, you have a nice, like, you have an air to the way you, you're like, I don't talk to people.

Starting point is 00:43:00 Like, you sound like you own a boat, you know what I'm saying? Like, you're a very confident guy for not having a lot of social interaction. What does that call you? Oh, I'm having a panic attack. Oh, right now? That was the funniest thing I've heard tonight.

Starting point is 00:43:11 Thank you. Much more honest and giving than Lino Rodriguez's interview. He's actually being present, talking about how he feels in the moment. This is incredible. I love it. There's a fucking real comedian back here, Jerry Carlin.

Starting point is 00:43:28 What do your parents think about it? Did they know that you're out here? Do you want to say something? Yeah, yeah, they're pretty supportive of me, sure. Yeah. You know, never really brought it up and talked about it. Right. Interesting.

Starting point is 00:43:38 You don't talk to your parents either? I don't talk to anybody. Ian Edwards. You can't talk to parents you murdered. Yeah. Yeah. This whole not talking to anybody thing, has this always been a thing of yours?

Starting point is 00:43:56 Uh, no, just, you know, out of high school. It's just hard to meet new people. After COVID, I kind of drifted apart from a lot of my friends. I only really have two good friends. Uh-huh. What do you do with these two friends? Uh, just, we really don't even meet up that much. Just talk, jokes. Where do you talk?

Starting point is 00:44:16 Uh, you know, messages. Wow. So you're a chat room guy. Sure. So, Jerry, if you're at the dinner table with your parents and you don't want to talk, if you're at the dinner table with your parents and you don't wanna talk, but they're trying to strike up conversation, like, so Jerry, fuck any cool whores lately?

Starting point is 00:44:30 You just sit there in silence and eat your meatloaf? Oh, I don't eat dinner with them. You don't eat dinner with your parents? This is a fucking amazing fucking thing we have going on here. What do you eat? You eat by yourself? Yeah, pretty much. You take it up to your bedroom?

Starting point is 00:44:48 Yeah. And you sit on the edge of the bed with like a TV tray, or do you have a desk? No, I got this massive TV and a nice recliner. You sit in a recliner, and you continue to watch TV, and you eat your food kind of like on your lap? That was a weird question, Tony. No. I like to paint the picture for people. This is all very frightening.

Starting point is 00:45:11 You're right. It is. It's scary. I'm scared to death right now. I am, too. I'm more scared than he is right now, and I've been doing this for 11 years. But this kid doesn't talk to anybody. His whole life is just a bunch of blue bubbles of messages. Can I ask a question? What would it take for you to interact with your parents? doesn't talk to anybody. His whole life is just a bunch of blue bubbles of messages. Can I ask a question?

Starting point is 00:45:26 What would it take for you to interact with your parents? If Joe Rogan came down here tonight and said, let's go to your house and eat dinner with your family, would you do it? If Joe Rogan asked, I would, yes. Okay, okay. Well, we have exciting news for you. Somebody said bow and arrow three times,

Starting point is 00:45:45 and Joe Rogan is here, and he wants to have dinner with you. Okay. I'm just really worried for white kids, man. This is the future. Like, what the fuck is going on with white kids? You're right. So perfectly good-looking, white, young male,

Starting point is 00:46:02 and you're staying home, not talking to anybody. I used to be very ugly. What happened? Well, get over it. It was a drug called Accutane. I had terrible acne. Oh, my goodness. It works. You got fucking perfect skin now. Yeah, yeah. Go talk to women.

Starting point is 00:46:20 I should, yes. Yeah, you should, man. Wow. Well, welcome to the universe, Jerry Carlin. Not only are you out in public, but you're thriving. You're out here. Great job. Keep at it. Finally found some people you can talk to. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:46:37 Keep at it. Right that way. Great job. Jerry Carlin, ladies and gentlemen. And just the way that the fucking thing worked out tonight, we actually get a little blast from the past. For those of you curious of what Jerry Carlin looked like very recently, we have a golden ticket winner here that is ready to blast off with a brand new minute.

Starting point is 00:47:01 Ladies and gentlemen, Sensation. You know him, you love him, make some noise. This is a rare appearance by. Ladies and gentlemen, Sensation. You know him, you love him. Make some noise. This is a rare appearance by the great and powerful Heath Cordes, everybody. ["Sensation"] Jerry needs to start doing hard drugs. Uh.

Starting point is 00:47:24 Jerry needs to start doing hard drugs. Uh... Just got out of my first, like, uh, real toxic relationship. Come on. Whoo-hoo! Yeah, it was great at first, but then it just got really needy, and I needed space, so, like, uh, I couldn't see her anymore. And that's why I said, I hate to do this,

Starting point is 00:47:44 but if you leave me, I'll kill your family. Burn your house down, shoot my brains out. I don't give a fuck. I'm an emotional wreck right now. Try me. Now I legally can't see her anymore. Is it all right. I'm going to fuck the shit out of Elaine tonight.

Starting point is 00:48:08 Whoo! I'll see you in my minute. Thank you, guys. Whoo! 50 seconds from Heath Cortez. I love it. 50 seconds. You'll only need 22 with me, sweetheart. Yeah, that's right. Save that 30 for a rainy day.

Starting point is 00:48:24 You know it. Wink, wink. Wink, wink. Fuck, fuck. So far, this show is a pedophile's delight. This is incredible. We had a 21-year-old that said, I just recently got good-looking just a moment ago. And here you are, another 21-year-old back to back. But not really 21. And here you are, another 21-year-old back to back. Mm-hmm. But not really 21.

Starting point is 00:48:48 That's just what I had to say to, like, get this going. Wait, what do you mean? Yeah, you fucked up. You, uh... You didn't do enough background. I checked your ID that night that we met. It's a good ID. Oh my God. You little son of a bitch.

Starting point is 00:49:10 So how old are you really? I'll never tell. Oh, hell yeah. Why am I hard? Okay. Heath, let's get into it. You're a golden ticket winner here on Kill Tony. How's life been going?

Starting point is 00:49:23 How has your life changed? What's going on with you? Pretty good. I'm very happy. I got a door guy job at the mothership, so that's... Congratulations. That's a big deal. Yeah, that's how I've been spending my time, just trying to get better. Scoots and all security is real tight around here.

Starting point is 00:49:38 Yeah. I laugh every time I see them pat someone down, because I'm just like, what? What? Okay. It's ironic you're the Golden Ticket winner, Heath. You look like Charlie Bucket with autism. Mm-hmm, yeah. And this show is Willy Wonka with autism, so...

Starting point is 00:49:55 You gotta stop smoking, kid. Do you smoke? What kind of drugs do you do, Heath? All of them. Because you told... Heath is a wild boy. I will tell you that he is one of the lightest people, yet heaviest drinkers here at the mothership. He actually, you got shitfaced last Thursday.

Starting point is 00:50:15 Yeah, I fucked up. He fucked up. I fucked up. Who's fucking up now, huh? Me, I fucked up. You did. And I was going to take him to do sold out theaters in Boston and Baltimore and he snatched it. I fucked up. Who's fucking up now, huh? Me, I fucked up. You did. And I was going to take him to do sold out theaters

Starting point is 00:50:27 in Boston and Baltimore, and he slept through his flights. To the point to where a little fun fact is, you know, we were on the plane, and it's about to close up here in Austin, Texas, and they came over the loudspeaker and said, if there's a Heath Cordis, please ring your ringer. And so of course I messaged the whole fucking crew. I go, is Heath, has anyone seen Heath?

Starting point is 00:50:54 No, I message you, right? And I did not get a response until after we landed in Boston. So everyone. Tony, I'm so sorry, please, I'm so sorry. That's what I said. That's right, via text message. Via text message. Right, so it didn't really translate. No, but that's how I felt.

Starting point is 00:51:15 Of course, I do believe that. But just to take you guys there, I was about 85% sure when we landed in Boston and heard nothing back, that is when we went to the next level of who were his roommates, can we reach out to them? Because we thought he was dead, everybody. We literally thought that your condition, fucking,

Starting point is 00:51:37 whatever's wrong with you, went into overdrive and fucking, it was like. So who. So you got at least three more months. So, Heath, who woke you up out of your race car bed? Who told you that? Yeah. Who told you it was time to perform?

Starting point is 00:51:52 Worst way to wake up. No one woke me up out of the race car bed, and I was still late. You just woke up. That's a plan on home alone, pretty much, right? Yeah. Mm-hmm. So did you go to Bananja City?

Starting point is 00:52:02 Did you have pizza and ice cream and watch all the movies? Oh, yeah, you gotta, yeah. Really, it is the ultimate lesson in life. You dealt with it very, very well. You're still alive. I had to go super, super easy to make sure I did not induce a suicide. Really close. I did real good with it, right? Yeah, you did great. It was very, very, very nice.

Starting point is 00:52:24 Tony's not making anyone kill themselves. right? Yeah, you did great. It was very, very, very nice. Tony's not making anyone kill themselves. Thank you. Thank you so much. Thank you. This is the episode where we clear the air about me inducing suicides, which is out there in the zeitgeist somewhere,

Starting point is 00:52:38 if you look hard enough for it. But if anybody would have killed themselves, it's the sweet little boy with many conditions. Scoliosis, Benjamin Buttons, whatever the fuck you have. You got it all. What if he's like that movie Jack with Robin Williams and he's 65? How would, so you said, are you really not 21, Heath? I'll never tell.

Starting point is 00:52:57 Okay. Now what if Joe Rogan came down here and asked you what your age was? Yeah, he knows, he knows. Okay, fair enough. You said 65, which made me think of something. Have you ever 69'd with anyone, Heath? Have you ever gotten your dick sucked while... It's impossible.

Starting point is 00:53:13 All right. They have to, like, hunch down like this, you know? Just, like, make it work logistically. Every time I look at Heath, I feel like some ventriloquist is like, where did my puppet go? It is incredible, Heath. Has your size ever helped you with anything? Is there ever a time where you use it to your advantage?

Starting point is 00:53:35 A lot of leg space on the flights that you've been missing. Yeah, it's crazy that I still get really claustrophobic on planes. You do? Yeah, even though I have the best situation for planes, I still hate them. Yeah. Do you get to board first? The what? No. You don't?

Starting point is 00:53:53 I should. I should get to board first. It's not fair. They don't go paging all passengers with ass burgers. It's your turn. Yeah. I don't know if it's ass burgers. I think he has ass sliders. It's a little bit smaller than a burger. That's funny. That's funny.

Starting point is 00:54:10 That's a food joke. Thank you, Elaine. That's a food joke. Thank you. Smallfucker doesn't board at all. Yeah. It is incredible. I got to stop hiring openers that sleep in cribs and can't get out in the morning. Very rare. You are the first person Yeah, it is incredible. I gotta stop hiring openers that sleep in cribs and can't get out in the morning.

Starting point is 00:54:27 Very rare. You are the first person I do believe I've ever worked with that slept in on flights, but you know what? At the end of the day, you doing it, kind of adorable. Oh, that's good. Had it been Cam Patterson, there may have been some racial slurs said or something like that with you.

Starting point is 00:54:42 It's just like, aw, hope he doesn't hurt himself. That's what I go for. So what did you end up doing that weekend anything fun? Not really just being sad. Right. Yeah Token that guy he reached out to me and he said he wanted to hang out so that like it was the rapper who went to the show. Yeah we put that together. His Who's Token? I don't know what you're talking about. He was there. He met you. In Boston, that's right. Yeah, we met a rapper in Boston.

Starting point is 00:55:12 I found out afterwards that he was a rapper. I just thought he was some fucking quiet kid hanging out. Yeah, I was listening in since like high school. So like that just rubbed the salt in the wound. Wow, three or four years. Wow. That was a long ago, wasn't it? Yeah, I just did stairs. Wow. Yeah. I was like, what? Yeah. I just did that.

Starting point is 00:55:25 Yep. OK. Well, Heath, are you a big gangster rap guy? Mm-hmm. I try to be. Uh-oh. Why are you asking that question? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:55:36 I just felt like it might be time for a rap battle. Yeah. No, no. Elaine. No. No. What are you doing? You're going to have him rap? Newsflash, this ain't Gatorade.

Starting point is 00:55:48 I just feel like if you're a fan of rap at some point, if you have time off and you missed a flag, you'd probably... I'm such a fan of rap that I'm not going to rap on stage right now. Okay, well, you could have just... Good move, good move. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:56:03 Great move. Okay, if it's coming from the black guy, it probably isn't your voice. Yeah, exactly. Great move. Well, Heath, another fun 50 seconds. Writing is not easy, and you wait. You use your golden ticket wisely

Starting point is 00:56:17 and only come in when you're ready for it, and I love it. And you're a very promising young buck. Congratulations. 21-year-old Keith Cordes, ladies and gentlemen. I'll see you tonight, Heath. No condoms necessary. Way to fuck up, dude. Celia! Oh, my goodness.

Starting point is 00:56:41 Thank you so much. I need that. All right,ed another name out of the bucket. Here we go. 60 seconds uninterrupted from Andrew Ginsberg. Here comes Andrew Ginsberg, everybody. Here he is. Come on, make some noise for Andrew, everyone. Yeah. I got called for jury duty last week.

Starting point is 00:57:06 I haven't had to do that in a while. I was a little nervous. I haven't had to do it in a bit. I don't know anything about the justice system. I've seen 895 episodes of Judge Judy, but that's it. So I didn't know what to expect. You know what I mean? But my friends told me, don't worry, there's a really long orientation before they start

Starting point is 00:57:18 so they'll teach you everything you need to know about sending somebody to jail. But they didn't tell us anything about that for 30 minutes. The lady behind the counter, all she told us about was how to fill out the address section of the juror form the whole time I was there. The whole time she was just like, if you live in a house, you're not gonna put an apartment number on the form.

Starting point is 00:57:35 You live in a house. Sir, why are you putting an apartment number on the form? You live in a house. This went on for 30 fucking minutes, you know? And I'm saying to myself, why are they telling us about this instead of anything about the justice system, why are they telling us about this instead of anything about the justice system?

Starting point is 00:57:47 Why are they telling us about this address form? And it dawned on me, the other people in my group, they couldn't fill out the address form. They were struggling with it and it just got me thinking, like, these are your peers. This is the jury. If you commit a crime, these fucking people are going to sentence you to prison. They can't even fill out the fucking address form. There was a lady in my group in a Klondike bar at 9.30 in the morning.

Starting point is 00:58:04 You fucking kidding me? If you eat ice cream before lunch, you're not qualified to send somebody to prison. I'm sorry. That's how I feel about that, you know? Started taking my anger out on the judge. I was like, dude, you studied law for what, 20 years? Need help from 30 random fucking weirdos? Help you make a decision? Get it together. Use your brain. You're a lawyer.

Starting point is 00:58:18 It's like if I went to the doctor and he was like, I think you have... Good Lord Almighty, Andrew. Jesus Christ. Holy shit. Well, here's some more of your life. It's like if I went to the doctor and he was like, I think you have cancer. Good Lord Almighty, Andrew. Jesus Christ. Holy shit. Well, here's someone who's not gonna get a titty fuck. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:58:35 What the fuck was that? Hi, Andrew. Hey, how you doing? How long have you been doing standup for? Six years. Oh boy. Sorry. What was that? I'll tell you the truth. Yeah, please do. I have a tight set, but my friends are saying if you got on the show to do something that you're excited about, that's new and it just didn't translate.

Starting point is 00:58:45 Oh, wow. Your friends fucked you. Yeah. Your friends hate you, Andrew Ginsberg. They sure do. Why don't you give us an example? Six years in the game, why don't you do your best joke? Okay.

Starting point is 00:58:53 Yep. I just turned 35 recently. Thank you. Yeah. Yep. Now I'm hanging out with all 25-year-olds in the game. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp.

Starting point is 00:59:01 I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of a wimp. I'm a little bit of Okay. Yep. I just turned 35 recently. Thank you. Yeah. Yep, now I'm hanging out with all 25-year-olds now. I, uh, you know, I realized, uh, you know, all my real friends got married

Starting point is 00:59:14 and moved to the suburbs and had kids, so I had to regroup. Now I'm hanging out with all the 25-year-olds, you know? Oh, shit. No, no, no, no, no. I'm not done. Oh, shit. Maybe I will give you that titty-fuck. Oh, shit. I'm just nervous. You live in New York? Yeah. You know. I'm not done. Oh, shit. Maybe I will give you that titty-fuck. Oh, shit. I'm just nervous. You live in New York?

Starting point is 00:59:27 Yeah. You know how I know? Yeah. You do that. New Yorkers do that, and they do this. Something to keep an eye on. They can't fucking help them. The other thing is... It's fucking terrible. You make up for a lack of everything

Starting point is 00:59:43 with all this fucking... Yeah. You make up for a lack of everything with all this fucking... No, yeah. You can't help yourself. Just bombing and fucking moving the mic. Hey, you can't tell I'm bombing. Look over here. Fucking New York tricks. Ian, am I correct? You've seen this before, right? Yeah, I've seen that before. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:00:00 Listen, man, the only way you can save the rest of your time up here is if your dad got killed by a bunch of baseball bats. He's not wrong. And if you caught your girlfriend cheating, you better have some tragedy. Yeah. Ginsburg, we got to get into it. You got to save this with an interview, dude.

Starting point is 01:00:18 Look, he's doing the double-hand thing, doesn't even know it. Ha-ha! I could go on and on, people. I study this art form. I've know it. Ha-ha! I could go on and on, people. I study this art form. I've known it. By the way, Shane and Attell do the double hand thing, but they can get away with it. It's their thing.

Starting point is 01:00:34 That's why the rest of them are doing it. Anyway, just gotta get that disclaimer out there before everybody fucking loses their minds. Um, you suck. Let's get into it. Uh, six years, your new minute sucks, your best joke sucks. Well, I tripped on that, I'm sorry. OK.

Starting point is 01:00:50 I'm so nervous. OK. Apologies don't work here, but it's OK. So tell us, what's like good stuff that's happening from you doing stand-up comedy? Why do you continue to do this to yourself? Well, normally I get laughs. I know that seems unbelievable right now

Starting point is 01:01:03 in this particular moment. Let me tell you something, because I mentioned this earlier. It's a hot crowd. Yeah, yeah. I can't believe the stuff that I've heard them laugh at tonight. I know.

Starting point is 01:01:12 I was honestly proud of them at staying solid for your wretched set, because I'm like, wow, normally they laugh on cadence alone, kind of, like where there should be a laugh, but they fuck. They kept it real on this one. They realized like, oh shit,

Starting point is 01:01:27 we're gonna watch an actual bombing here today. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I would have rather you queefed into the microphone. Me too. And told any actual jokes. Me too. If you could do that, that would be amazing. If you could do that.

Starting point is 01:01:37 But you are, but nerves is a part of it, right? I'm nervous. I don't feel that great, to be honest with you. Okay, well. Hold on, hold on. I'm sorry to interrupt Elaine. Why don't you feel great? Well, to be honest with you, Tony, hold on, I'm sorry to interrupt Elaine. Why don't you feel great? Well, to be honest with you Tony,

Starting point is 01:01:47 the pollen in Austin is killing me and I'm just dying. Oh, you fucking faggot. I don't wanna hear it. I don't wanna hear it. Oh my God. This is the truth. Take some Clareton you fucking Jew. I can say that I went to a bar mitzvah 20 years ago.

Starting point is 01:02:09 Oh my god. Why would you say that shit? It's the truth. Are you from New York? What the fuck is wrong with you? I'm from Jersey. Oh, what do you mean you're from Jersey? But you live in New York.

Starting point is 01:02:24 I live in New York. Right. So you're originally from, you're trying to, but you live in New York? I live in New York. Right. So you're originally from, you're trying to like claim Jersey all of a sudden? No, no, I'm just saying that's where I'm from. Okay. All right. I actually kind of get like the type of comedy he was trying to do. Sure.

Starting point is 01:02:38 It didn't hit. So I understand, like I can see where that would work. Sure. But if I ever hear you tell some niggas about your pollen allergies. Everybody that booed you were on fucking point. Yeah, it is something else. The pollen has gotten the best of you.

Starting point is 01:03:00 When did you arrive here to Austin, Texas? A place that naturally is pushing you away? Thursday night. Thursday night. And the pollen just started flying up in your nostrils, and you're like, oy vey. Pretty much. I mean, that's a... Wow. Well, you have to rise above it. You know, there's gonna be other hardships that come your way, right?

Starting point is 01:03:18 I'll take that as a note. Joe Rogan fights through pollen. I'm sure he does. That's true. I'm sure he does. I like that nature tried to stop he does. That's true. I'm sure he does. I like that nature tried to stop this set. Exactly. Exactly.

Starting point is 01:03:30 Texas has a way of keeping a certain type of people up in New York. You know what I mean? Like, ffff. Ffff. Do your allergies affect you in other places? We do have allergies here. People get them. The weak people.

Starting point is 01:03:50 Yep. Yep. Just Texas. No, they affect me other places. Right. Tell us some more super Jew-y things about you. Well, I'm only half Jewish. My mom's Italian.

Starting point is 01:04:01 Oh, wow. You know those Italians and their allergies. You know what I mean? So I'm not all the way. All right, well, okay. I wanted to tell you the truth about that, too. Oh, you always say. I'm gonna be honest. I'm gonna tell you the truth. I'm gonna be honest here.

Starting point is 01:04:14 Tony, I'm gonna tell you the truth. You're a fucking... You're a little liar, aren't you? No, not about this. Now, riddle me this. Ginsburg's your last name. What's your first name? Andrew. Andrew, if you were to tell a lie that was funnier than the truth,

Starting point is 01:04:28 like, what would, your excuse was not pollen, what could you come up with that might be funny to say instead of I'm allergic to fucking flowers? Yeah, I was doing meth till 9.30 in the morning. I'm sorry, you know? All right, well, we'll try. I'll tell you the truth, Elaine. I'm allergic to Palestine. That's true. That's funny.

Starting point is 01:04:50 That is. Now, how do you write? Do you write? Do you write? I do write, yes. In an unfunny chamber? I mean, you know, I write as much as I can. Give us your second best joke.

Starting point is 01:05:02 I want to hear your second best joke. We went through the 35, 25, You're up here for a reason. We still think that's not that in. Six years in the game. Let's hear your second best joke. Let's say you were- Take a deep breath first.

Starting point is 01:05:13 This is true. All right, I appreciate it. Yeah, well, that's just gonna put more pollen in his nasal passage. We're gonna give you a fucking, what's that shot? We're gonna give you a epinephrine or something Okay here we go his second best joke six years. I'll tell you the truth here he goes I'm gonna be I just found out that my cat has diabetes. Ah

Starting point is 01:05:36 Which is strange. I never had a cat before it's kind of like having a girlfriend again I just follow on my apartment saying I'm sorry and why she hates me so much You know it turns out the same thing but I came home the other day and she was in the corner of my apartment, she's peeing and she's crying. I'm like, first of all, this is New York, pay rent. That's my corner for peeing and crying, you know? Then I took her to the vet and the vet said she has diabetes. I'm like, how does a cat get diabetes?

Starting point is 01:05:54 All my friends are like, what are you feeding your cat? Like, I'm giving the cat cat food, dude. My cat can't speak. I don't know if my cat's in pain, you know? My mom has diabetes and that makes more sense because I call her every Sunday and I'm like, mom, what are you making for dinner? And she's like, I'm having a nice healthy cake. Okay, get well, you have diabetes, that makes sense sense, because I call her every Sunday, and I'm like, Mom, what are you making for dinner? And she's like, I'm having a nice, healthy cake.

Starting point is 01:06:05 Okay, get why you have diabetes. That makes sense, you know? My cat doesn't walk around. -♪ Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep Is that Seinfeld? That was Kramer. What the fuck was that? Oh my God. This is an anomaly. I love the commitment though. Yeah. I can't get diabetes.

Starting point is 01:06:36 I promise I'm not crazy. Everybody's got diabetes. Do you say I promise I'm not crazy? Yeah. Well that's how you should open the whole set. Yeah. I will next time. That's funny. that's honest.

Starting point is 01:06:45 You are a little crazy though, huh? I guess so. Tell us something real and crazy about you that would surprise us. Give us something from your Italian side. Do you ever do anything exciting or anything at all? Really, anything other than complainy whiny unfunny bullshit? This is the show you signed up for.

Starting point is 01:07:02 No, I understand. Okay, let's go. What's something that would surprise us about you, Ginsburg? I don't know if you'd find it surprising, but I've been asked to officiate six weddings. I could believe that. Yeah. It's not surprising at all. Yeah. Seems like that's what you would be good at.

Starting point is 01:07:17 Thank you, sir. A very serious speaking role. Like in the real world or like on Sims? Yeah. The real world? The real world. I still can't get over, like, you saw a guy that was 21 years old that is like suffering with some shit. Do his material, another guy, his dad died,

Starting point is 01:07:43 and then you're like, I have a pollen. You know how much damage was up here? He's right. You think you've ever killed before, six years in the game, have you ever killed? I promise I do. You promise you do?

Starting point is 01:08:02 I have, yeah. You have. I go up every day. I go up every day. You go up every day. Yeah. And that's what you did. You have a third best joke that might hit here? Who wants Sears?

Starting point is 01:08:13 I know. I know. We're 11 minutes into this, guys. People are gonna be like, well, how did you keep him up here? I don't care. I wanna hear your third best joke. If Kat has diabetes is number two,

Starting point is 01:08:27 and I'm 35, hanging out with 25 is number one. No, it's not number one. I didn't... Because you got to have a killer. I didn't finish that. I'm just nervous. Okay, let's hear the third best joke, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is. Try to think of one that maybe has, like, a short setup and a big punch. Here we go. Andrew Ginsberg.

Starting point is 01:08:47 All right. Six years of New York comedy, supposedly the comedy capital of the world. And here is Andrew Ginsberg, six years into being a New York comedian. New Jersey, New Jersey. No, no, no, no. No, he's been doing it in New York, originally from New Jersey.

Starting point is 01:09:09 But here he is, New York comedian, everybody. Andrew Ginsberg. Hey. Yeah, we already did this. Go ahead, into it. Well. I'll be honest. Okay, go ahead. I was saying to my friends, I feel like I'm, like, a raging alcoholic, you know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:09:28 They're like, ah, it makes you say that, Ginsburg. You're not partying that hard. I'm like, I don't know. If you wake up every single big night and you're Googling, am I an alcoholic, you're definitely an alcoholic, right? I feel like most people don't do that. They're not like, should you have shit in a blender last night that people do that?

Starting point is 01:09:38 What's the third result say on this Google search, you know? But I'm trying to roll. Yeah. That's not fair. This is fucking amazing. Oh, this is amazing. Ginsburg, let me ask you something. I've noticed, and at first I thought there was no way

Starting point is 01:09:58 that it was really happening, but I've noticed that you do this thing. You know what you do? No, sir. This thing where you kind of fucking, and then I, you know, and then a ba ba ba ba, and then a da da da da. You know what, have you noticed that you do this thing. You know what you do? No, sir. This thing where you kinda fuckin', and then a, you know, and then a ba ba ba, and then a da da da da. You know what, have you noticed that you do that?

Starting point is 01:10:09 Yeah. What is that? That's some Jersey shit. Some Jersey shit. Again, no, he's a New York comedian. I want those New York comics to see one of their own out here just fuckin'. You're on lineups out there, right?

Starting point is 01:10:21 Yeah, yes sir. Yeah, up there with everybody else. What's going on in New York comedy right now, right? It's not my best night. Ugh. Ah. Ha ha ha. Do do do do.

Starting point is 01:10:31 Ha ha ha. Boing boing boing now. It's not my best night. That is one of the funniest things you've said in 13 and a half minutes. Holy shit. We gotta get you out of here, dude. All right, you tried your best, though, right?

Starting point is 01:10:45 You feel good? No, I don't. I'm sorry. There you go. There's a little bit of honesty in the moment. A little joke book. There he goes. Andrew Ginsberg, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:10:56 Thank you. I'm excited, baby. I'm excited, baby. There he goes. Wow. Wow. Wow. That is what this show is all about right there. Sometimes you're watching the future and sometimes you're watching the past in real time.

Starting point is 01:11:15 Anything can happen. What's up horse heads? The Kentucky Derby is returning to Churchill Downs for an unforgettable day at the races. That's right, in celebration of the 150th race, your boys have teamed up with DraftKings to bring you the ultimate Derby experience. Right now, they are offering new customers who sign up through our special tiny,

Starting point is 01:11:35 litty-bitty link and use promo code KT Derby, a 100% deposit bonus up to $250 when you deposit a minimum of $25. All right, Dan. That's absolutely right Tony draft Kings is matching your deposit dollar for dollar up to $250 when you deposit $25 or more. That's incredible red band I can't wait to bet my hard-earned cash on the ponies already a draft Kings player where you can use your same login to start

Starting point is 01:12:00 Betting on the races now. There's no need to waste time making an account So get ready to saddle up this race season to start betting on the races now. There's no need to waste time making an account, so get ready to saddle up this race season. Download the number one ranked horse betting app in America using the link down below and make sure to sign up with our promo code KT Derby. The winner circle awaits. Hey y'all, this podcast is sponsored by Mood. You know, Red Band, I'm going to celebrate 420 this year by doing a show at the Comedy Mothership with the great Joe Rogan and some very special guests who we all know.

Starting point is 01:12:32 But most importantly, I'm gonna vibe out with some Mood products, browsed by different moods, and get 20% off your first order in a free THCA pre-roll with promo code KILTONY at hellomood.com. Er, Redban? free THCA pre-roll with promo code KILTONI at hello mood.com. Errrr at band. Tony I L-O-V-E some THC. You sure do. It's a KFC too by the looks of things.

Starting point is 01:12:52 Come on. The Mood products are fantastic. I love their vapes and gummies the most. They make me feel nice and relaxed when I'm hanging out with all my friend. What I love even more is how quickly it was delivered. Introducing THCA Flower, Mood's latest and most potent breakthrough in the world of legal cannabis. When you heat THCA, it changes into THC

Starting point is 01:13:16 and that's what causes the classic high feeling. And Mood has 10 high inducing strains, the most potent they've ever offered. There are different strains for specific moods from euphoric to energized, creative to chill and plenty of versatile products that go with whatever mood you're going for. Celebrate 420 exactly how you want with mood. Get 20% off your first order plus a free THCA pre-roll at hello mood.com with promo code KILTY. Have an infinitely good time. That's hello, M-O-O-D.com, code KILTONY. Put your hands together, another bucket pull. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Matt Sturm, everybody.

Starting point is 01:13:55 Here we go, Matt Sturm. Hey guys, fuck. How's it going? I'm getting a little fat. Uh... You're not fat. Why are you laughing, man? You're a little fat. You are. You piece of... No, you're a good guy. I'm getting a little fat, guys. Uh, I was with a girl recently. She tried to titty-fuck me. Yeah, you ever have that happen?

Starting point is 01:14:18 Yeah, she was starting to milk me like a fucking ravaging beast. She was fucking pulling my tits and shit. Uh, I'm Matt, by the way. Uh, I'm German and Jewish, so I want to be a little fat. Uh, I'm a little fat. She was starting to milk me like a fucking ravaging beast. She was fucking pulling my tits and shit. I'm Matt, by the way. I'm German and Jewish, so I want to kill myself. You know? Uh...

Starting point is 01:14:34 Yeah. It's not a joke. Uh, what else, guys? Fuck, man. Passion of the Christ 2 came out quick. I can do this fast. Passion of the Christ 2 came out quickly. Mel Gibson announced it. It's a good time for him to hate Jews, right? Fuck.

Starting point is 01:14:48 You can laugh. I just said I'm Jewish. It's okay. How you guys feel about Hamas? You like Hamas? No? Ooh. You don't like it, huh?

Starting point is 01:15:01 What? I can't, what did you say? Oh, that's it. Wow. Wow. Alright, looks like Ginsburg cursed the show. Yeah, I know. Alright Matt, relax, relax, take a breath for a moment. I'm fat so I can't fucking

Starting point is 01:15:18 breathe, man. Okay, Matt, relax. How long you been doing stand up? Uh, just about a little longer than Ginsburg. Okay. Why don't you tell us how long you've been doing stand-up, Matt? Oh! About eight years. Eight years. Where at? Where at? Well, it's been hard because I'm from Vermont originally,

Starting point is 01:15:38 live in Connecticut, the dreaded Connecticut, so I would have to take a train in New York, do a bunch of New York statements. Another New York comedian, ladies and gentlemen. Aah! Wow. Oh, that's... Does that work there? No.

Starting point is 01:15:52 Listen, man, I'm from New York. These niggas is not from New York. Yeah, I'm not! I'm from New England! You look hot. No, you're a comedy store guy, Ian. Did you start in New York? Yeah, I started in New York. Yeah. You look hot. No, you're a comedy store guy, Ian. Did you start in New York?

Starting point is 01:16:06 Yeah, I started in New York. Yeah. Yeah, and I did like the Boston, the Cellar. And then I moved to LA and I'm a store guy, so I'm a both. I'm an air-con. You're a true store guy, though. I mean, I've known you there every week for 17 years, right? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:16:19 You're one of the greats, Ian. I've never seen you ask a random crowd member when you're bombing, hey, you into Hamas? Yeah. This guy got thrown off by everything, by the way. And I've never seen you ask a random crowd member when you're bombing, hey, you into Hamas? Yeah. This guy got thrown off by everything, by the way. Nobody in New York would do that shit. That's a good question. That's not a bad question.

Starting point is 01:16:33 Now, I don't know if the answer, but... Well, you look like you drive Uber. Do you drive Uber? Oh, I've been in an Uber. Okay. It's a start. What do you do for work? I'm looking for work.

Starting point is 01:16:44 I don't have a job. What was your last job? I worked at a restaurant. I was a waiter. Okay, how long did you do that for? Oh, fucking ten years. How recently did you lose that job? Uh, about a six months, man. Okay, so how do you have enough money to survive six months? I was in my mom's basement. I wasn't doing shit, man. So I came down here. How long have you been here? I've been here about a little more than a month, I think.

Starting point is 01:17:11 How's it going? I love it. I'm having a fucking blast, man. What are you doing for fun here that you're having such a blast? Just going to all sorts of mics and shows and having a good time, being around other awesome comics that are really nice.

Starting point is 01:17:23 The scene's really tight in there. There's a lot of cool guys around here that are super nice. Wow, what an adorable answer. Okay, what do you do for fun? Anything other than stand-up comedy? Oh, you know, Tony, sometimes I just take a long fucking look at the river and I think about the, you know, that Lady Bird.

Starting point is 01:17:42 The men that you've been murdering there? Yeah, well, the Lady Bird Lake killer still is at rise. You know, we don't know who it is, but there's some rumors. -♪ Bum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-dum-d No, no, no. I met him tonight, but we're from the... Oh, okay. You sure? Well, I recognized him from New York. You're both half Jewish from the East Coast. Yes. Well, only a few of us survived that thing that happened. Topical.

Starting point is 01:18:14 Uh-oh. Uh-oh. So let's talk about it here, Matt. You do recognize Ginsburg from New York's comedy scene. I've seen his face for sure. We talked. Let's do a fun thing. Since we had him try this, why don't we hear your best joke? You didn't do it tonight. You were saying what else at 35 seconds.

Starting point is 01:18:32 So let's do a little fun thing. Oh, yeah. A little New York edition of Your Best Joke. Eight years as a stand-up comedian, grinding and grueling, taking a train, am I correct, from Connecticut to New York City? Yep, grinding and grueling, slinging my fucking good ass jokes. Okay, here you are. Your besting, taking a train, am I correct, from Connecticut to New York City? Yep, grinding and grueling, slinging my fucking good-ass jokes.

Starting point is 01:18:47 Okay, here you are, your best joke, ladies and gentlemen, Matt Sturm, and go. I'm gay! Oh, crickets, no. Oh, okay. My best joke, I don't do... I'm bad at one-liners, Tony. Do a good one.

Starting point is 01:19:01 Okay, hell yeah, man. Uh, fuck, on the spot, just do. No, no, not the good one. Okay, hell yeah, man. Uh, fuck. On the spot, just do. No, no, not the right one. Oh, wait. Dude! Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt, Matt. Don't make more noises into the microphone. It's not helping you.

Starting point is 01:19:14 Sorry, sorry, sorry. Just listen. Wait, so when you were working at the restaurant, if they were like, hey, how's the Caesar salad? Will you just go, I'm gay, and blow your shirt up? Yes!

Starting point is 01:19:22 Yes! That's how I got my tips. Okay, so stick with me here. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. In eight years of standup, I'm not asking you to write a joke now. I'm asking you to do the best joke you've ever written. The best joke I've ever written.

Starting point is 01:19:34 There you go. What's the best joke I've ever written? There he goes, Matt Stern, everybody. Damn, I don't know. There you go. I don't know what the best joke is. Bye bye, Matt. There he goes. Very good.

Starting point is 01:19:45 Blacklisting! Do not touch these people anymore. No more handshakes or high fives or anything, by the way. That's not a thing. Two New York comedians back to back, and now... And now... Tony! And now...

Starting point is 01:20:03 Sorry, Ian. By the way, I don't know why you're claiming New York This is like said he's from Connecticut Where they do stand-up is what I'm counting here. He goes to New York, but obviously is not Where they sleep It's where they perform these guys are on lineups in New York City Anyway your next comedian is a regular on this show.

Starting point is 01:20:31 You're gonna see 60 seconds uninterrupted from an Austin comedian that works here full time. Let's see what happens. This is a brand new minute. This guy has to do this every single week. This isn't, he's not reaching for a minute of the best stand-up that he's done in 80 years. This is a brand-new minute from the one and only

Starting point is 01:20:52 Cam Patterson, everybody. -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ Hey, them last niggas was terrible, dog. We was recently in Utah, and usually when I go to a state

Starting point is 01:21:09 that usually got most white people, I look up on the Internet what side of the Civil War they was on, and... Because you have to to be safe as a black man, right? And Utah wasn't even a state when the Civil War was going on, but whoever the fuck was in Utah sided with the union, and that's cool, that's great, good team, I fuck with them, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:21:31 I like that a lot, but I will tell you that the population of Utah of black people is 1.6. So even though they were like, we don't fuck with slavery, they also were like, we don't want two niggas over here, neither. Stay the fuck out of Utah, bitch. I will tell you, I like Utah because they got mountains, dawg, and like, I never thought I was going to be able

Starting point is 01:21:51 to see Mount Everest that close, you feel me? What's so fucking funny, dawg? I'm from Florida. Every mountain in me is Mount Everest, bitch. I only know three mountains, Mount Everest, Mount Kilimanjaro, big word, and, uh, it's Splash Mountain, dumbass. How about that, guys? One minute, nine seconds

Starting point is 01:22:15 from a man that has to write a new minute every week in front of a million people, Cam Patterson. I don't know how this turned into a New York versus Austin fucking Harlem Globetrotters game, but I love it. Come on, man. This is what we do, baby. Just a professional balling all over two white nerds. Them niggas was, hey, the last nigga,

Starting point is 01:22:38 the nigga that went before Heath, Jerry, y'all let that nigga go home? What do you mean? He's a fucking serial killer, dog. Oh, I know. Nobody stop, I talk to nobody. Somebody arrest this nigga, dog. He kills people.

Starting point is 01:22:56 He fucking murders people, man. It's fucked up how they wait to find the body. Yeah, it's like, he right here. He's right there, just get him. Get him right now, man. He gets rid of the body. See, not's like, wait, he right here! He's right there, just get him! Get him right now, man! He gets rid of the body. See, not only does he seem like a murderer, but he also seems like the guy that knows

Starting point is 01:23:11 the chemical compound to put in a barrel, to put the body into the barrel, for the body to disintegrate completely. Yeah! I've never seen anybody look more like a sniper. Bro! Yeah. You kept asking, you was like,

Starting point is 01:23:22 so who do you talk to? I don't talk to nobody. What about your parents? What parents? But that nigga terrified the fuck out of me, dog. I was in the back like, nobody sees this nigga. Nobody sees Jeffrey Domberman reincarnated, nigga. That shit pissed me off, man.

Starting point is 01:23:45 Okay, Cam, you've never talked to yourself late at night, I'm like, what the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this?

Starting point is 01:23:51 What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this?

Starting point is 01:23:58 What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? What the hell is this? You guys are Applebee's? No, you came to the Atlanta Improv when I first started doing comedy and I asked you

Starting point is 01:24:06 to do a guest spot. That's right. And you looked me dead in my face and said, eat my pussy, nigga. And I said, no, I don't want to do that. And then I didn't do that. You didn't do that? Well, the night is young, my friend. I remember I said, what's your name?

Starting point is 01:24:19 And you go, Cam. And I go, what's the last name? You go, Patterson. I go, good. I just want to get it right when I tell the police. And it's good to see you. But you remind me of my old driver, Cam, so it's good to see you. Like driving Miss Daisy, nigga?

Starting point is 01:24:34 I know that movie. I know that movie. Yeah, okay, it's a classic. Dizelle was in it. Wasn't he in it? Wasn't Dizelle in that movie? I think so, yeah. No, no, it's Morgan Freeman.

Starting point is 01:24:42 Damn. The white people got me, yeah. Nah, it's Morgan Freeman. Damn. Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! The white people got me, dawg! Ha! I'm forgetting black people now! I'm fucking up!

Starting point is 01:24:52 I'm fucking up! Ha! Ha! Ha! That looked really fun, you guys having a good time. That looked really fun. Ha! Ha!

Starting point is 01:24:59 Ha! Ha! I mean, I... You're questioning the Orlando Improv. That was good. Look at you now. Come on, now. You're grinding, it's good for you. Yeah, yeah. I'm very proud of you. Where can I ask this off, I tell You were questioning the Orlando improv. That was good. Look at you now. Come on, man. You're grinding. It's good for you.

Starting point is 01:25:07 Yeah, yeah. I'm very proud of you. Where can I ask this off? I tell you, you feel me? Good for you. You have to. I do feel you. You crushed harder than Leno's dad with that bat.

Starting point is 01:25:15 There's a joke there somewhere, but yeah. You're murdering tonight, is what I'm saying. Yeah, I killed his dad. Okay. I don't know why I said that. Take that out, please. Cam, you definitely... You don't waste your words is what I appreciate.

Starting point is 01:25:23 Gang shit. You're getting tired of with your jokes. Thank you. A very natural editor. I don't know why I said that. Take that out, please. Cam, you definitely, you don't waste your words, is what I appreciate. You're getting tied in with your jokes. Thank you. A very natural editor. It's very, very visible on these shows that we're doing on the road in massive theaters.

Starting point is 01:25:35 Cam has a brand new tour coming up. Where are those tickets at? Camsofunny.com. I pretty sure that's it. Is that what Cam with one S so funny? Two O's.com. I pretty sure that's it. Yeah. Cam with one S, so funny. Two O's, two O's. Two O's. Cam, Cam, so funny.

Starting point is 01:25:51 Oh, God. Yeah. Oh, that's a terrible idea. I made that, I made that shit. Do you hate selling tickets? You'd be better with so, like, S-E-W. When somebody tell my dad that, nigga, he don't know the difference.

Starting point is 01:26:03 Oh, your dad that literally can't spell. Oh, you gotta be kidding me. Your dad came up with your website, Dave? That's a great answer. We put two O's on it so they never gonna find it. He literally thought he was spelling it correctly. This is where having a father hurts you. Oh.

Starting point is 01:26:19 Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Cam, you're absolutely killing it. Thank you for reminding everybody how good a second be on this show. Cam, you're absolutely killing it. Thank you for reminding everybody how good a second be on this show.

Starting point is 01:26:29 Great to see you play it. Two years in the game, by the way. Cam Patterson. Two years. So, you see what's going on. Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Liquid Death. There are two things I love in this Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by Liquid Death.

Starting point is 01:26:45 There are two things I love in this world, liquid and death. You know what kind of liquid I like, water. You've seen the cans before to the naked eye. It may look like a beer or some crazy energy drink, but of course it's not. It is delicious water. Maybe you've noticed a coworker cracking a tall boy in your 9 a.m. meeting and you thought they were a dirty alcoholic. Well, you were wrong because they were drinking liquid death liquid

Starting point is 01:27:05 death is actually a healthy beverage brand that makes mountain spring water low sugar sodas and low sugar iced teas too I bet you're wondering why a health beverage would be called liquid death who knows better than that than a red man well Tony that's because liquid death will brutally murder your thirst and they're infinitely recyclable cans are helping to bring death to single-use plastic bottles. Liquid death also donates a portion of profits from every can sold to help kill plastic pollution. Well put, Redban.

Starting point is 01:27:36 My favorite flavor is convicted melon and I drink it every time I need a cold refreshing beverage. It's also super fun to drink in public because people think it's a beer and beer makes you look cool and I like looking cool. But you know what else is cool staying hydrated Get free shipping of liquid deaths mountain waters flavored sparkling and iced tea eight packs with Amazon Prime or grab a can or a case At your local 7-eleven Target Walmart or Whole Foods guys a lot of options to get things go to liquid death comm slash Tony to check out all their healthy

Starting point is 01:28:05 things go to liquiddeath.com slash tony to check out all their healthy infinitely recyclable beverages and find your closest retailer that's liquiddeath.com slash tony liquiddeath.com slash tony. UV rays don't skip a day neither should your spf introducing daily UV moisturizer from Umbrella broad spectrum protection and all-day hydration in one lightweight formula from the number one recommended brand by pharmacists and physicians It's the unskippable SPF for your unstoppable day new Umbrell daily UP moisturizer Now available online or at your local retailer We're back to the bucket ladies and gentlemen, let's see what happens here. You've seen how crazy it can get this is 60 seconds uninterrupted by Davey Jackson the Killtony debut or reappearance of Davey Jackson. So I've

Starting point is 01:28:56 been trying out some new jerk-off techniques actually invented a couple new techniques not to brag but one of them's very similar to the stranger. I feel like the Kill Tony universe is pretty familiar with the stranger. All right. Yeah, for those of you that don't know, it's a jerk-off technique where you sit on your own hand until it goes numb, and then you jerk off,

Starting point is 01:29:18 and it feels like a stranger's jerking you off. Yeah, pretty cool technique. I can't take credit for that one. I did not invent it, but the one I invented is actually very similar, though. It's called the reverse stranger. That's right. It's where you sit on your own dick...

Starting point is 01:29:32 all laughing until it goes numb. Then you jerk off, and it feels like you're jerking off a stranger. Pretty fucking cool, guys. That's a good one. Not a bad technique, yeah. That's a good one. This final technique is the one I'm most excited about. Been trying it out a lot.

Starting point is 01:29:56 Uh, it's where you sit on someone else's dick... until it goes numb. And that is actually just gay. It's very, very gay. Been going through a lot. Pretty confused. I'm Davey Jackson. Thank you. There you go. Davey Jackson.

Starting point is 01:30:12 Welcome back. You've been on this show before? Yes, sir. I remember you well. Uh, so welcome back. Thank you. How's life going for you? Uh, it's good, man.

Starting point is 01:30:22 I got too confident and put my hair in a ponytail tonight. Which I felt good about, but then, uh, one of my friends told me I looked like a founding father. I was pretty upset about that. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Four fathers? I'm trying to fuck a girl with no fathers. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:30:40 Wow. Look at this. He was ready, ready for an interview on Kill Tony. This is incredible. Almost someone that seemed like they wanted to be on a comedy show. How's the pollen affecting you today? Yeah. Bro, I don't know what that's in reference to,

Starting point is 01:30:56 but I've been snorting a lot of coke, so I don't know if it's the pollen or... Very good. Where's the craziest place you've done cocaine at? Off of Miss Doubtflamer's tits, I guess. Doubtflamer. Now, was Doubtflamer, was that a joke or was that a slip-up? I think he's calling you a gay

Starting point is 01:31:18 Mrs. Doubtfire. Okay, fair enough. Well, you just talked yourself out of a titty fuck, my friend. So the joke's on you. Sit on your own dick again, huh? Fair enough. Well, you just talked yourself out of a titty fuck, my friend. So the joke's on you. Sit on your own dick again, huh? Ha ha. Ha ha.

Starting point is 01:31:28 Ha ha. Ha ha. Ha ha. Oh, boy. Oh, my god. Sippin' on the siserp over here. The great Elaine. OK, so Davey Jackson, I remember you used to sell what, pain pills or Oxycontin or something like that?

Starting point is 01:31:46 What was it? Any pills. Right, you were selling pills. What are you up to nowadays? I just got a hernia. Uh, yeah. Okay, how'd you do that? Congratulations. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:31:57 Uh, literally blowing my nose too hard. My guts popped out. Wow, how old are you? What's that? How old are you? 40. Fuck. Fuck. How old are you? What's that? How old are you? 40. Fuck. God, that's scary.

Starting point is 01:32:08 Oh my God. Yeah, just wait until you get my age. Your clit starts growing pubic hairs. I thought you had shit on your own dick again, huh? No, I'm sorry. It sucks. Getting old, it sucks. I'm going to tell you.

Starting point is 01:32:24 So the hernia thing, I feel bad for you. Well, how'd you fix it? What'd you do? I haven't gotten it fixed yet. It's still fucking there. Uh, I have to go for surgery, so guess who's re-upping on pain pills? Let's fucking go. Ooh, okay. Business is a-boomin'.

Starting point is 01:32:36 What's your love life like right now? You're a good-looking guy, ponytail energies. Appreciate that. Uh, dude, it's shit right now, actually. How's that possible? Dude, I think I fucked all the Latin girls in San Antonio. I think I just guy, ponytail energies. Appreciate that. Uh, dude, it's shit right now, actually. How's that possible? Dude, I think I fucked all the Latin girls in San Antonio. I think I just ran through all of them.

Starting point is 01:32:50 Okay. So I'm having to go to white girls, and they're boring as fuck. Holy shit, y'all are boring. What's the difference? Between a Latin girl and a white girl? Yes. Literally everything.

Starting point is 01:32:59 Yeah. See? There they are. Yeah. Run down the list. Run down the list. Uh, well... One makes you peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, the other one stabs you. There we go.

Starting point is 01:33:09 That's a big difference. Yeah. Yeah, uh... Who's crazy in the bedroom? They come with kids. Right. And that's great. I mean, I love kids.

Starting point is 01:33:18 Not like that, but I... Okay. I walked into that one. You do dress like a softball coach that beats the children. Which is a tough gig to get. I wore the vest tonight. I thought Tony would be wearing one, too. I am a big supporter of the vest. Thank you. Appreciate that.

Starting point is 01:33:34 I just got a new one this weekend. My friend gave me a new vest. I'm excited about it. It's got a fur interior. You'll probably see it on the next episode of Kill Tony. Vests are fun. When I first got here, I started dressing like a cowboy for a while, and then I'm looking out, and, like, the real cowboys wear vests.

Starting point is 01:33:54 Like, you're from Texas? Yeah, you're... Yeah, exactly. See what I mean? Like, and I'm like, wait, what's the thing with the vest? And I'm like, it's weird, because your arms are gonna get chilly, and your body's gonna be warm. I don't get it.

Starting point is 01:34:06 And then I tried it. Fucking unbelievable. It looks so cool. It's unbelievable. It's a fucking no brainer. It's a purse. It's also a fanny pack, a purse, you name it. It connects everything.

Starting point is 01:34:17 Instead of having a big bundle of keys, you know what I mean? For all the natural amenities that you have in your life, you know what I mean? In your pocket, you have them in your vest pocket. He's talking about drugs, people. What the fuck? Do you wear a condom when you fuck? Ooh. Well, when he's with a Latina chick, yes.

Starting point is 01:34:38 I try to. I really do try to. But it's actually the Latin girls. It just ends up coming off every time. Yeah. Do they take it off or do you take it off, or is it, uh... It's a joint effort, I think. Does it just disappear from wishful thinking? They just snatch it up in their pussy. Whoa. Okay.

Starting point is 01:34:57 I didn't even like that, the way you said that. Yeah, that was... And I've been offering up free titty fucks, but that was crossing the line, sir. Ha ha ha ha. Davey, you already have a big joke book, right? I do, yes. Well, we're just gonna...

Starting point is 01:35:11 Red band? I would like to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Wow. Look at that. On a real show. A real set-up, a real punchline, a real 60 seconds from Davey Jackson. This handwriting is pretty bad,

Starting point is 01:35:25 but I'm gonna try this anyway. It's Jose... Ooh, how about a hand for the lovely Heidi, everybody? Make sure you follow her. Gina with 3 As dot HG or something like that. I don't know. Camsofunny.com. Figure it out.

Starting point is 01:35:44 All right, this last name is a tough one. This is out of the bucket. Make some noise for Jose Veneas, or Vanellas, or Oineas. Here he is. Jose, everybody. Make some noise for Jose. These people wait all day for this. Whoo!

Starting point is 01:35:58 I used to weigh well over 300 pounds. Yeah, doctors kept calling me weird names, like severely unhealthy or morbidly obese. weigh well over 300 pounds. Yeah, doctors kept calling me weird names like severely unhealthy or morbidly obese. I just thought I was round and lovable. I also suffered from what I believe a lot of people also struggle with in this room. It's called being stupid.

Starting point is 01:36:23 I only say I was stupid because I let my mom do my back to school shopping at Tractor Supply. Yeah, she got me a shirt, had a picture of a barn on it. It said, and I quote, what happens in the barn stays in the barn. That's bestiality 101, guys. I don't know what to tell you. I don't know.

Starting point is 01:36:42 All right. Before I go, I have a buddy. His name's Nick. Every time I see him, I go, Hey, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nick, Nickelodeon. You guys get it? It's because he's a pedophile. Hi. Wow. All right.

Starting point is 01:37:00 Okay, Jose, how do you say that last name? Ornelas. Ornelas. Wow. Okay. Hi, Jose., how do you say that last name? Ornelas. Ornelas? Wow, okay. Hi, Jose, how long you been on standup in New York? Um. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 01:37:14 Oh. Tony. Little over a year. You were in New York? No, sir. Oh, Jesus. Where at? Almost having San Antonio. San Marcos. Where? Ah, San Antonio. San Antonio. Yes, sir, sir. Oh, Jesus. Where at? Almost haven't.

Starting point is 01:37:25 San Marcos. Where? Ah, San Antonio. San Antonio. Yes, sir. You were close. You were close. You see how fucking dialed in I am?

Starting point is 01:37:33 I can tell you the free way to get there right now. That's the New York of Texas. It is. Everyone knows that. It is. San Marcos is the least funny part of Texas. Okay, Jose, godawful appearance. I mean, unbelievably bad, incredible.

Starting point is 01:37:48 Yeah, you made Andrew Ginsburg look like Dave Chappelle. Ah! So, you brought the show down to a new low. You've seen the show before, correct? Oh, I mean, of course not, sir. You haven't seen the show? I mean, I've seen clips, I've seen what happens. Do you know what happens at this part? Yeah, this is where of course not, sir. You haven't seen the show. I mean, I've seen clips. I've seen what happens. Do you know what happens at this part?

Starting point is 01:38:07 Yeah, this is where I get flame, dog. Well, not necessarily. OK. Can you tell us interesting things about your life that maybe would have been more interesting for you to talk about tonight in your minute? Any fun facts about you that you think makes you different than everybody else here?

Starting point is 01:38:22 Different than everybody? Well, first of all, I'm me. All right, type shit, type shit, first of all. What? What? Huh? What'd you just say? Did you just say, I'm me?

Starting point is 01:38:32 I'm me. Oh, fuck you, dude. All right, all right, all right, all right, all right. You want something real? You want something real? You want something real? Elementary school, right? I was feeling not too good.

Starting point is 01:38:41 I went to use the restroom. I had to take a number two, and then I threw up in my underwear. You know what? I still had to walk to class to tell my teacher, hey, hey, I gotta go to the nurse. So did you or did you not shit your pants? Oh, I know I shit in the toilet, but I threw up in my pants. Have you ever done that?

Starting point is 01:38:57 No. Exactly. What the fuck are you talking about? Fucking new lows, dude. New lows. No. Elaine, stop. You're gonna make it funny. Sorry. Ah. Jose, I'm just lows. No. Elaine, stop. You're gonna make it funny. Sorry. Ah. Jose, I'm just gonna, I'm gonna save you.

Starting point is 01:39:09 I'm gonna get you outta here right now. No, don't do that. Yeah. No, I'm gonna do it. You gotta go, buddy. No joke book. No little joke book, no big joke book. Prepare next time.

Starting point is 01:39:18 Do a minute of standup comedy. It's okay, there he goes, Jose, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Jose. But you know what? I want to do something really special right now. Because, you know, we've seen some bombs tonight. We've hit some lows. And you saw Cam Patterson bring it back.

Starting point is 01:39:37 You saw Kacey Rockett come out with energy and silliness and fun punchlines. Let's do something really, really fun. When you hear that noise, you know some shit's about to go down. Someone, one of our regulars, has taken a long hiatus to prepare for his rematch at the forum. It has been months since this man has done a minute on the show. If you know the words, sing it. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Hans Kim. I told you it's not easy. I love it here in Texas because I can say retard here.

Starting point is 01:40:36 Just can't jerk off to them anymore. Just gotta picture it in your head like the good old days. Um, yeah, love the ladies. You know, a lot of ladies get mad at me because they send me nudes, and I don't send nudes in return. I'm like, why would I return a gift with a felony? I was recently in San Francisco. It's the Mecca of Asians. I love San Francisco. It's the only place Asian women have asses.

Starting point is 01:41:08 I was like, holy shit, is that an Asian girl with an ass or a 12-year-old Latino boy? I was like, holy shit, is that an Asian girl with an ass or a 12-year-old Latino boy? I was like, holy shit, is that an Asian girl with an ass or a 12-year-old Latino boy? I was like, holy shit, is that an Asian girl with an ass or a 12-year-old Latino boy? Thank you. Wow. Hans Kim. Thank you sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:41:25 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:41:33 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 01:41:41 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. and perform hundreds and hundreds of minutes on this show. And here he is, back better than ever, still Asian. You could tell that he's coming off a weekend with me in Utah, which keeps being a running theme on the show because I did take him and Cam Patterson and Kasey Rocket to Utah.

Starting point is 01:41:59 And Hans is the only one baller enough to go straight to the airport and buy a shirt. Bollar enough to go straight to the airport and buy a shirt. Uh... Try to get the people on his side right from the arrival. How did you end up with a Utah hoodie like that? I didn't check the weather. I thought it'd be, like, Texas, beautiful and habitable to human beings.

Starting point is 01:42:17 Uh-huh. Unless you're allergic to pollen. Pfft. Oy vey, it makes you unfunny. I don't know if you guys have the same reaction to pollen. Oh, hey, it makes you unfunny. I don't know if you guys have the same reaction to pollen as Andrew Ginsberg, but... Did you happen to see Andrew Ginsberg earlier? Yeah, he was, uh, yeah, he was there.

Starting point is 01:42:36 I, uh, apparently he's allergic to jokes. My sweet, sweet Hans Kim. Elaine, what do you think about Hans? Well, as far as Asian comedians go, you're pretty good. I, um, no, Hans, you're very funny. Your jokes are always on point. You're always writing the new stuff. What is, uh, so you got to Utah. What did you see? What did you do?

Starting point is 01:42:57 I mean, Utah was great. Women are very beautiful. The Mormons, they are beautiful, but they don't put out. Um, so you can look but they don't put out. So you can look, but don't touch. That was my policy. But I did do a little bit of touching. There you go.

Starting point is 01:43:12 How does Hans Kim find a guy? What's your move on the road? You know, you slide into DMs? What do you do? I just hang around and wait for someone famous to invite women to the show. Uh... Oh. What? Okay. What the fuck? and wait for someone famous to invite women to the show. Uh... Oh.

Starting point is 01:43:25 Oh. What? Okay. What the fuck, Hans? I don't even know what you're talking about. What? Why would I do that? I'm gay, remember?

Starting point is 01:43:43 I love being gay. It's a song. Oh, penis in the butt. Hey. There you go. Thank you, Red Band, for the easy out there. Okay. I love it.

Starting point is 01:44:00 Hans, anything else we should know about? What do you want to plug something? I'm in, like, North Carolina, South Carolina coming up soon, doing a bunch of dates there, so check it out on my website. I have, uh... So it's also in North and South Korea coming up. Uh...

Starting point is 01:44:16 Okay. What else? Um, I am, uh, in an open relationship, so feel free to take advantage of that. Hans is what you think he is. He's brutally honest and ridiculously horny. What's the oldest chick you've been with, Hans? What'd you say, Elaine? What's the oldest chick you've been with? Probably like 68.

Starting point is 01:44:39 Holy shit. Oh my God. Hold on. This might be, the guy that I've interviewed the most that's been on this show tonight. And we find this out right now? Yeah, Elaine brought it out of me. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:44:53 Well, I like to put it in me. Tell us about this 68-year-old, Hans. Where were you? I was in Seattle, Washington doing open mics. And this is Asian. She was a grandmother. Or no, she was just a mother. I guess she had a really young daughter.

Starting point is 01:45:12 And yeah, I didn't meet the daughter. There was no weirdness. But I- So you don't think the 68 was weird? So wait, she saw you at an open mic, and she's like, you're funny. Come back to my place? She never said I was funny, but. Okay.

Starting point is 01:45:29 I pictured it in my head. You went back to her place? Yes. Okay, tell us how this goes down exactly. It was great. She actually did this thing where I was a missionary, and then she put her legs in between mine, and she squeezed, and it was like a 49-year-old vagina.

Starting point is 01:45:49 Wow. Wow, Elaine, do you know about this move? Well, I do know that if you're 69 or 68-year-old, you get a free bowl of chicken fried rice. Ha ha ha ha. If it's Asian on Asian, which sounds like it was, yeah? Yeah. Now, are you mostly, are you only attracted to old Asians, If it's Asian on Asian, which sounds like it was, yeah? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:06 Now, are you only attracted to old Asians or is there an old white of a sneak in there? I'm attracted to, you know, young Asians, but yeah, I was an open mic-er. That was all I could get. Wow. But she was great. Okay. Did you wear a condom? I think so, yeah. With a 68-year-old?

Starting point is 01:46:26 Yeah, she probably had a lot of history. She probably did. It's not like you could get her pregnant, so I guess she was good. Yeah, if it's over 60, I can vouch, Hans. There's a lot of stuff up. I've got a DVD of Frasier on my pussy right now. So, I want to...

Starting point is 01:46:44 I can confirm. I see the corner of it hanging out. There really is a DVD of Frasier in Elaine's pussy right now. Red man. What was she wearing? Like was she like sweatpants? She had two bags. She had a samurai sword on her, something like that. Some type of a...

Starting point is 01:46:58 What did she have, Hans? Was she wearing a Asian takeout box? She looked a lot like Elaine's outfit tonight. No, she looked like a young, you know? Everything looked great until, you know, the face was a little old. Sure. But other than that, it looked like it wasn't what I was doing.

Starting point is 01:47:14 Wow. I don't know if that last sentence added up for a science. Now, what's your move with a 68-year-old? That's my last question. What's your move? How do you grease the wheels? I'm just like, hey, you got any kind of I don't know if that last sentence added up for us. Now what's your move with a 68 year old? That's my last question.

Starting point is 01:47:25 What's your move? How do you grease the wheels? I'm just like, hey, you got any cookies for me? Or, you know, I'll sit on your lap. You know, I'm down. And she's like, you ever heard of Andrew Ginsburg? Yeah, yeah, he's got allergies, I think. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:47:41 Is that him? Yeah, he's a great guy. Okay. What, when, do you think you made her orgasm the system? We not definitely not what happened exactly. Did you not last long? No, she was just like I'm 68. I'm not gonna let you make me come like that. Wow. She told you that Yeah, God see how asking another question sometimes gets you to the fucking end zone She told you specifically that you weren't going to make her cum.

Starting point is 01:48:09 Yeah. She could tell. She's like, you're not good enough. Ha ha ha ha. Was she a massage therapist or something? Like, what was she? Like, you know what she did for a living? Yeah, do you know what she did for work? Uh, no, she was just normal Asian. So, yes. What was her place like? It was like normal Asian. So, yes.

Starting point is 01:48:25 What was her place like? It was like a house in Seattle, two stories, pretty nice. You walked in and you just heard... ["Swan Lake"] ["Swan Lake"] I actually know that song. Did you just play that? Yeah, that was me.

Starting point is 01:48:42 John, stop! Let me shine for a second. Stop playing it right, John. Oh. Oh. I'm backwards. I'm backwards. That's pretty good.

Starting point is 01:48:54 I'm trying my best. Other way. Shut up, Mueling. You ate a hamburger during soundcheck, you fucking faggot! It's trying to get revenge on me over here. Play it right! No one cares about the notes! I can play the... God damn it! No, that was it. The OCD and the MSG are all mixing right now.

Starting point is 01:49:30 It's incredible. All right, Hans, you're a fucking legend. His first appearance in months. Thank you, Tony. Do you want to say anything to Rick Diaz out there? I'm sure he's watching. You're a bad person, and everyone's going to know it soon. Wow, he's looking for his second victory in a row.

Starting point is 01:49:50 Hans Kim, live from The Forum in Los Angeles. Bill Tony makes its return to LA at The Kia Forum. What a special treat, huh? All right, the show's going long, but let's get one more bucket pull out here. Whoo! Make some noise for your next comedian. 60 seconds for Matty G, everybody.

Starting point is 01:50:10 Matty G. -♪ -♪ Do, uh... Do gay guys queef? I think COVID tests are a lot like, uh, SED tests. If you don't take it, you don't have it. Um...

Starting point is 01:50:41 I've been taking biotin to, uh, grow out all my facial hair. I didn't know that biotin was a hair supplement for all your hair. I got a bush down there. So, yeah, now every time I want to take a dick pic, I got to hire a team of Mexicans just to come over. I've basically been taking Scott's turf builder

Starting point is 01:51:11 for my balls. Yeah. It's a real jungle down there. Jose does good work, though. Whoo! He makes my little bonsai tree look like a giant sequoia. Thank you. Let me tell you something.

Starting point is 01:51:27 Here's... Let me tell you, I'm gonna surprise everybody right now, because you're like, oh, shit, Tony's gonna go ballistic. But you know what? You know what I liked about that? You bombed eloquently. Thank you. It was beautiful.

Starting point is 01:51:40 And with no tricks, no shaky mic, no... And I'll be honest, no selling. You didn't try to trick us. You tried your material that you thought would work. You delivered it like it worked, and then you kept going. You did the next thing. Ian Edwards. I agree with you, and he's not from New York. Well, I don't know. I think there's a chance.

Starting point is 01:52:01 You visited there recently. Am I correct? No, sir. Oh, okay, perfect. Thank God. I don't know. I think there's a chance. You visited there recently. Am I correct? No, sir. Oh, okay, perfect. Thank God. How long you been doing stand-up? This is probably my, like, 10th mic. Oh, adorable. You're doing just fine. Eight years, six years.

Starting point is 01:52:17 You did better than those guys. Fuck those guys. Okay. So, how old are you? I am 26. What do you do for a living? I'm a mechanical designer. What does that mean exactly? I make desks for schools and everything like that.

Starting point is 01:52:35 Okay. Lab equipment too. Okay, very cool. What do you do for fun? You ride a motorcycle? No. Okay. I go fishing and stuff like that.

Starting point is 01:52:47 Yeah, fishing. What else? Stuff like that. I used to sell guns, actually. Okay. Yep. Illegally? Legally and legally.

Starting point is 01:52:57 Okay. There you go. You ever steal a bicycle from a retard? No, I can't say I have. As they call it, a tricycle. That doesn't make any sense. All right, now I'm bombing. It's contagious up here.

Starting point is 01:53:13 It's gone airborne. Guys, don't worry, it's the pollen. All right, so Matty G, most interesting thing about you, you have any special skills or talents? Probably that I did sell guns during COVID. That was kind of crazy. People would come in with, like, their face masks still on, and I would sell them a gun. Is that the end of the story?

Starting point is 01:53:35 Yeah, that's pretty much it, yeah. They'd come in, they'd say, Hey, I want that gun, and I'd be like, Yes, sir, right away. You should have opened with that. Thanks. Yeah. What is happening right now? It's okay. We. Should open with that. Thanks, yeah. What is happening right now?

Starting point is 01:53:46 It's okay, we're gonna get there. Matty G, you've seen the show before. What's something interesting in this interview portion that you think you might wanna bring up at this part makes you different than everybody else? COVID was actually really good to me. Yeah, tell me more. Yeah, so like I said, I sold guns,

Starting point is 01:54:03 so I would be the first one to like see all the ammo. And for some reason, everybody would want ammo during COVID. I don't know. They wanted to shoot COVID, I guess. I don't know. And I would take it and I would like buy it at a discount. Where was this at? What city is this?

Starting point is 01:54:21 Austin, Texas. Okay. COVID also lined up with the BLM movement, didn't it? Yeah, it did. Yeah, so everybody's going crazy. You think it was COVID. Do you think it had anything to do with the fact that there were riots in the streets

Starting point is 01:54:36 and in many major cities? You're blaming it on a... No. I didn't want to say it. Ian, you're getting defensive like I'm a New York comedian. I am defensive. But I live in California, right? So the first day of COVID,

Starting point is 01:54:56 I was in Burbank and everybody was... He's so stupid. He thinks you guys will recognize the Tonight Show theme because it's filmed in Burbank. You literally just cut off Ian for that reference. Everybody was buying guns. They were? Everybody.

Starting point is 01:55:19 Okay. I didn't even know they had gun shops in Burbank until that fucking day. They have that one across from the Costco or something. It's a big one. But there's more than you could, I'm just driving down the street and I see line there, line there. I don't know what people thought

Starting point is 01:55:32 was gonna happen during COVID, but when he says he works in a gun shop and he sold a lot of guns, I get it. What's the most suspicious gun you've ever sold? Did you ever sell one to a guy named Jerry Carlin? Uh... No, but I did have this one situation where this, uh, two, this couple came in,

Starting point is 01:55:53 white dude from, like, East Texas, and he was, like, looking at the gun, and then all of a sudden, when it came time to do the paperwork for the gun, he was like, nah, he's gonna get it. He's gonna buy it. And it was just, like, he's gonna get it, he's gonna buy it. And it was just like this black dude. So yeah.

Starting point is 01:56:08 Ian Edwards. Why the fuck did you say it like that? We're checking. We're gonna go to our senior African American correspondent, Ian Edwards here for another moment. Now it's his theme song. It's no longer the Tonight Show theme. Hit that Ian Edwards theme for us, Red Band.

Starting point is 01:56:22 Let us, hey, it's time for our black correspondent. Hey man, do me a favor and say black dude again. Black dude? Gotta give him credit, he said it pretty well. He didn't say it pretty well. Like, you ever sold somebody a gun and they later on sold him on the news? Yes, actually, yeah.

Starting point is 01:56:46 Really? Yeah. I knew it. Great question. Ian Edwards from Half Court. I love it. There he is. That's why he's our senior African American correspondent live on the scene.

Starting point is 01:57:00 Now tell us about this white guy you saw on the news. He was white. Ohhhh. And did he perform earlier tonight and have on glasses? Hahaha. He killed himself. Ohhhh. Hey! Oopsie daisy.

Starting point is 01:57:19 Okay. Oopsie daisy. Thanks for coming. Holy shit. Oh my god. What the fuck. Alright. Oopsie daisy. Thanks for coming, holy shit. Oh my God. What the fuck?

Starting point is 01:57:27 All right. Maddie, here's a little joke, but good stuff buddy. Get out of here, go Sulk Up. Go Sulk Up. Go Sulk Up. I'm trying to get that. Oh! The show's going too long.

Starting point is 01:57:39 We're in overtime right now, but I realized we didn't have a female standup comedian tonight, so in order to make up for that, I pulled out of the bucket until I got a lady. You guys ready for your final bucket pull of the night? 60 seconds uninterrupted for Kelly Quinn, everybody. Kelly Quinn. My husband always gives me grief for saving all my fast-food napkins in his car. I tend to value worthless things like our children. He also isn't real fond of the fact that I like True Crime podcasts. He says he's worried for my soul.

Starting point is 01:58:26 And he should be worried because statistically, I am the most likely to murder him. He's a history buff and he's fine with war. I guess domestic homicide is just not in a big enough volume. But it does answer for me the question of nurture or nature. Homicide is just not in a big enough volume. But it does answer for me the question of nurture or nature. He is German. We are almost empty nesters.

Starting point is 01:58:56 So I thought we should travel more. He said, yes, we should take the path of Lewis and Clark from Pittsburgh to the Oregon coast. It's 4,900 miles. We'll go through 60 native territories. It'll be badass. I thought it would be nice to go to Dallas. There you go, Kelly Quinn.

Starting point is 01:59:22 I saved you from the bear there. I knew you were about to get to it. Great stuff, Kelly. Adorable. How long you been doing stand-up? It'll be two years in August. Two years in August. Congratulations. I love it.

Starting point is 01:59:36 This is one of your high school friends, right, Elaine? I think we go to the same stylist slash gynecologist. Ha ha ha. She's doing better on you. Well, no, you look good. You look good. No, you're adorable. Very, very interesting, Kelly.

Starting point is 01:59:53 So you started two years ago. What made you start? You seem like the kind of person that would write blogs about how you hate stand-up comedy and about how it's ruining society. And here you are out here doing it, calling your children worthless with a big smile, having fun, thriving.

Starting point is 02:00:10 I love to see it. Normally you're asking for the manager and here you are out here. People are, there's a ruckus in the crowd. People are breaking glasses over their heads. They're so excited for you. It's Kelly, not Karen. Oh. Did I call you Karen?

Starting point is 02:00:27 You said I'd ask for a manager. You do look like a Karen, though. Yeah. Absolutely. No doubt about it. Have you ever asked for the manager? I have, but to give compliments. Whoa! Look at that. Wow. She's like, wow.

Starting point is 02:00:44 Yeah. Bizarro Karen. Oh, look at that. Okay. Wow. She's like, wow. Yeah. Bizarro Karen. That's not true. What's the nicest thing you send to a waiter at a restaurant? Nice ass. Oh, okay. Whoa.

Starting point is 02:01:00 Wow. Amazing. What race was that person? I don't know. Oh, she doesn't see color, everybody. And for that, we're going to check in with our senior African-American correspondent, Ian Edwards. Here we go. Hey. She doesn't see color, Ian.

Starting point is 02:01:19 To be honest, I checked out when she said, my husband. No, but pretty good shit. Like, two years, you know, there's been some dudes up here who have claimed that allegedly they've been doing comedy for seven and eight years and that they're from fucking New York. Yeah. So you've done considerably better than them.

Starting point is 02:01:40 Where do you live, Kelly? Wichita Falls, Texas. Wichita Falls. Oh, a big pop from the crowd. Where is that? It's like five hours some which way. I don't know. North? It's like almost Oklahoma. Okay, yeah, that would be north.

Starting point is 02:01:54 Yep. They've got a Dairy Queen there, right? Several. Several Dairy Queens. Are you a fan of Dairy Queen? I am. I like Brahms better, though. Okay, yeah, that's another ice cream place. Brahms is a... Yeah, it's good. Kelly, I love your smile. Your jokes are tight.

Starting point is 02:02:08 You're effervescent. You're affable. You look like me after a Red Band Titty fuck. You really, uh... That is true. Oh, no sound effect? You got shy. Uh... There you go. A chainsaw is what he came up with on that one, everybody.

Starting point is 02:02:26 A chainsaw. Okay. So Kelly, did you, you used to have a job? You have a job? I have a job. I'm not that old. What do you do? I'm a classic rock DJ.

Starting point is 02:02:38 Are you serious? Wow. On like an FM radio station? Yes. Real terrestrial radio. Wow. Do you have a special DJ name? Kelly Quinn. Kelly Quinn in the afternoons, mornings?

Starting point is 02:02:51 Nine to two, so midday. So you're playing a lot of Bear Naked Ladies and Sugar Ray? No. No, it's Classic Rock, it's not shit radio. Right, goddamn right. God damn right. Wow. It's amazing. And you love classic rock.

Starting point is 02:03:04 I do. Can you give us a little example of you tossing to a song? Or like what you do in between songs? Can we just hear your true radio voice? Let's all close our eyes. The stylings of Kelly Quinn. Here we go. 1047 the Bear, Kelly Quinn.

Starting point is 02:03:21 That was Pink Floyd. That was Pink Floyd. That was Pink Floyd. close our eyes, the stylings of Kelly Quinn. Here we go. 1047 the Bear, Kelly Quinn. That was Pink Floyd. We're gonna head into something sweet and sexy, like a little Metallica one on 1047 the Bear. Ooh, wow. I love it. I love it. I love it.

Starting point is 02:03:46 And now we're gonna do something special. We're going to have, a lot of people might not know this because I didn't tell you guys, but Elaine also is an afternoon DJ. The afternoon drive with Elaine, 95.5 KLOS. And here is an example of Elaine DJing. And here is an example of Elaine DJing. It's 6.23pm right now. We're playing The Phrase That Pays.

Starting point is 02:04:10 John Mayer, we got free John Mayer tickets to see him at the Palladium tonight. Call The Phrase That Pays, 102.5. Be careful outside, it's getting dicey. If you're gonna try stand up comedy, put on a mask, cause there's pollen outside. You don't wanna fuck up your one chance on Kale Tony. Calling right now, 421-1015.

Starting point is 02:04:25 Get two free John Mayer. Oh, we're gonna take that call right now. Hello? Yeah, hi, it's me, Red Band. I'm looking for a titty pop. ["Kale Tony"] Those knees are, her knees are blown out. Oh!

Starting point is 02:04:50 Oh! Oh! She's gonna need to... She's gonna need to hit up Dr. Phil, take care of those knees after that. Oh my goodness. That was good though, that was good. Kelly, you seem like such a sweet, my goodness. That was good, though. That was good. Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Kelly, you seem like such a sweet, real lady.

Starting point is 02:05:08 How... Your kids are almost out of the house? Yes. How much longer you got? Uh, graduation's May 25th for my youngest. Okay. Are you still with your husband? Do you have a piece of tape around your finger? What is that? Uh, it's a registry receipt from the burger joint because I walked out without my wedding ring.

Starting point is 02:05:26 Who hit you? You walked out of the burger joint without your wedding ring? No, I walked out of my house without my wedding ring, and so I did what I did. I'm a woman. I improvised. So just to let Hans Kim know, you're off limits. You wrapped a receipt around your finger.

Starting point is 02:05:43 That is adorable. Andrew Ginsburg's the only other comedian that keeps all of his receipts on him that we've had up tonight. Incredible stuff. One last question before I let you go. What is something that would surprise us about you or shock us about you?

Starting point is 02:06:01 You just seem sweet and real. Do you have any guilty pleasures or something like that? Is there something naughty that Kelly Quinn does every once in a while? Perhaps it could be in the bedroom or somewhere you go or something you do. I'm a big fan of rock concerts and crowd surfing and- You crowd surf? I did until I broke my neck a year ago. There you go. I had a feeling that was coming. You have real broken neck energies, Kelly Clinton.

Starting point is 02:06:27 How did you break your neck? I was a college gymnast, and I had a real bad fall onto my head, and apparently, after like 25 years, you can grow a bone spur into your spinal column, and then you can just wake up one morning paralyzed. There you go. Absolutely. You thought all the good spurs were in San Antonio. Turns out they're in Wichita Falls, Texas, as well.

Starting point is 02:06:53 Anything else for Kelly, everybody? Are you free Thursday? Absolutely. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Whoa! Kelly Quinn getting a real comedy set two years into her career. She's going to have to make the drive back from Wichita Falls. And I'll tell you what, I'm going to give you one of these big joke books because I

Starting point is 02:07:15 know you're actually going to use it. There she goes. Kelly Quinn, everybody. Look at them two best friends. Look at the shoulders on Elaine. I mean, unbelievable. What type of fucking offensive line woman are you? You are a fucking thick piece of beef. You know that, Elaine?

Starting point is 02:07:39 Well, I'm also Casey Rockets' bodyguard. Oh, wow. Look at that. Okay, a show like this, there's only one thing Thick piece of beef. You know that, Elaine? Well, I'm also K.C. Rockett's bodyguard. Oh. Wow. Look at that. Okay. A show like this, there's only one way to end it. Ladies and gentlemen, the Hall of Famer, the record-holder of appearances all time. Interviews, sets, new minutes. This is him.

Starting point is 02:07:58 The Wichita Falls Wibbly Wobbler. The Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. The Utah Balls Wibbly Wobbler. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery. -♪ Woo! -♪ And a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a-a to announce that Punky Johnson and I are officially dating, and she's actually pregnant. April Fools, okay. Ah. Anybody else jealous they didn't get the invite

Starting point is 02:08:33 to Puff Daddy's parties? Everybody's all mad, and I'm all like, oh, yeah, terrible. Maybe I should go undercover to investigate. People are saying Cuba Getting Jr. committed a crime, but I'll tell you what the real crime is. He won an Oscar. Oh, a black guy plays an athlete. How'd he get into character?

Starting point is 02:08:57 What a stretch. As a defense attorney, I must advise that admitting to shooting the sheriff but then claiming you didn't shoot the deputy is a bad legal defense. Okay, that's my time. Take your time. A brilliant, brilliant joke there at the end. Shooting the sheriff but not the deputy. Wow. Amazing William, you did it again. Another unbelievable set. Very, very fun. How do you feel? I feel pretty good other than the fact

Starting point is 02:09:33 that there is now a dead squirrel up in our chimney and it has been smelling like death for the past three days now, Tony. And I actually had an exterminator man come by today, and he starts telling me, oh, I can't go up on the roof. If I go up on the roof this one way, I'm gonna roll off and die. If I go off the other way, I'm gonna roll off and die. And I'm like, dude, you're not just a friend. I'm trying to fucking pay you money to get rid of this fucking thing. Why don't you just give me excuses, you dumb piece of shit? This is why you're fucking getting dead squirrels out of people's fucking chimneys,

Starting point is 02:10:07 because you're a dumbass, you motherfucker. He's giving me all these excuses, Tony. And I just want the smell gone, but it's going to be Wednesday, so I have to live with it for another couple days. That's what happens when you exterminate his last name is Ginsburg. Yeah. Actually, I'm allergic to squirrels.

Starting point is 02:10:24 I can't get up there. I'm allergic to rooftops as well. I do not perform well under these conditions. God, Tony, I had to stop myself. I was fucking holding the microphone like this. Dumb New York pieces of shit! Holy shit! Whoo! Whoo!

Starting point is 02:10:40 William, William, they're not from New York. Well, that's... they perform in New York. That's the defining characteristic. I mean, don't try to, I get it, you're from fucking New York, but you have to admit those people were fucking terrible. I have a dead squirrel in my, yeah, thanks, dumbass, holy shit, whoa. The squirrel in your chimney is probably covered with ash and soot.

Starting point is 02:11:08 To talk about this more, we're gonna go with our senior African-American correspondent. What do you think about the squirrel in blackface in the chimney right now? That's the only reason why he's trying to get rid of it. You know what I mean? He is racist as shit though, Ian. It's a real racist fucking... How am I racist? The squirrel's racist.

Starting point is 02:11:38 How is the squirrel, how is a dead squirrel racist? He's been saying the N-word a bunch and I'm like, dude, I can't fucking, I can't do this shit. He's trying to get me to saying the N-word a bunch, and I'm like, dude, I can't fucking, I can't do this shit. He's trying to get me to say the N-word, Ian, but I haven't been saying it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:11:53 I haven't been saying it. Listen, even when you say just the N-word, I hear the E-R. Yeah. Well, that was a long time ago we had. No, I'm kidding. It is amazing. Elaine, what do you think? William, you're very likable.

Starting point is 02:12:11 You don't look like you've bathed in a while, but that's okay. What does your shirt say? It says storage, et cetera. It's the people, uh, Christina Gonzalez. It's the place where I was working right before the pandemic, and I still hope Christina Gonzalez is dead and in hell. She was... Was that your boss?

Starting point is 02:12:29 Yeah, she was the stupid fucking Latina woman who said the details don't matter on that, but she was a stupid fat bitch. And I would catch her stupid fucking ass. This is when I was drinking and doing blow all the time, so I'd show up fucking hungover as fuck, and she would be sleeping in the break room, and I'd take up fucking hungover as fuck and she would be sleeping in the break room and I'd take pictures of the security camera

Starting point is 02:12:48 and she would get mad. And there was one time Ian, I did have a good George Floyd joke during the pandemic and I'm good friends with the two black guys who I'm working with and she has bad intention telling them that I was some racist person. It was bullshit. It was, she's a dumb ass.

Starting point is 02:13:04 What was the George Floyd joke? Yeah, what was the She's a dumbass. What was the George Floyd joke? Yeah, what was the George Floyd joke? Yeah, what was the George Floyd joke? I heard George Floyd's last wishes were to make change for a 20. Oh, boy. And with that, we check in with our senior African-American correspondent, Ian Edwards.

Starting point is 02:13:24 What do we think about the joke? Just based on that, I feel like he murdered that black squirrel. Yeah. There were red hairs around the corpse. William, you did it again. We fucking love you. Doesn't get much better than that, right, Elaine? What do you think?

Starting point is 02:13:44 You're unbelievable. You've got, you just, you can smell the mental illness on you, but you're dressed like all the people in high school that I really, that I admired. You know, you're dressed, do you dress yourself? Well, I just, I can't stop looking at your fucking nasty fucking neck, you old bitch. It looks just like the fucking squirrel

Starting point is 02:14:07 that's dead in my chimney, bitch. Shit. Okay, you know what? I was waiting for somebody to make fun of my neck and I think I fucking had it. This neck looks like all the fucking pussies that you fucked with your tiny inch dick. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:14:19 And you know what? I was that funny bitch. God, and you're stupid. God, let me see them titties, bitch. I can't believe you let your girl walk out like that, dumbass. That is my daughter's friend. You stop that.

Starting point is 02:14:32 Uh... Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. William, I guess I'm getting angry because... Well, I get angry when I get turned on. Red band music. Uh-oh, here you go. ["The Red Band Music"] Red band music. Uh-oh. Here you go. -♪ Thank you for being a friend Traveling down the road and back...

Starting point is 02:14:53 I guess what I'm trying to say. -♪ William, I've never seen a ginger I like I've traveled the world. I've seen everything. And tonight has been the greatest night of my life. Come here. We've seen good jokes and bad jokes and Jews and blacks And that fat guy almost had a heart attack tonight

Starting point is 02:15:32 But that's what you get When you sign up for Kill Tony, you try your best You hope that on your side is love And if you strike out, go back home And call me for a titty bug You call me for a titty bug Call me for a titty bug Everybody!

Starting point is 02:16:03 Call me for a titty fuck. Everybody! Call me for a titty fuck. Call me for a titty fuck. Just the black guys! Call me for a titty fuck. Just the Asian women! Call me for a titty fuck. Just Joe Rogan! Call me for a titty fuck.

Starting point is 02:16:21 Just William! Call me for a titty fuck. Call me for a titty. John Williams! Woo! Call me for a dirty fuck. There you go. Powerful. Powerful. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen,

Starting point is 02:16:38 Skylight Frame, Game Time. If they're still sponsors, we'd like to thank them. Have one more time for the great William Montgomery. I don't think there's a comedian in the world that could possibly do better than that. Wait, I wrote a couple jokes down. Keep the music on. Uh-oh, wait a second. Wait a second. Ladies and gentlemen. Tommy for a teeny-fine.

Starting point is 02:17:04 That's it, that's farm. That's it. That's it. That's it. That's it. Just keep the music on. Keep the music on. Make sure it's for Elaine, everybody. So I met Tony a couple weeks ago and he said, you come by the Mothership and try, and this

Starting point is 02:17:18 is my favorite show in the entire world. So thank you so much for letting me be a part of the Mothership. I wrote a couple jokes real quick. Hans doesn't believe in God, but he believes in Godzilla. Fuck. Shit. If Cam Patterson's here, who's punching women in the streets of New York?

Starting point is 02:17:38 Fuck, I don't know. K.C. Rocket looks like the first person to OD on cookies. But Hans Kam, you look like an Asian Disney character named Gookfee. What else? Okay, Kam likes rocks, Casey smokes rocks. Casey, you look like the dollar store version of Kyle Rittenhouse. Comedy hasn't come easy to Hans. You look like the dollar store version of Kyle Rittenhouse. Uh... Shit. Uh... Comedy hasn't come easy to Hans.

Starting point is 02:18:07 It takes a lot of drive, which is hard when you're Asian. Uh... Oh, boy. And then I just got some, uh, some re... some pickup lines from Red Band that he texted me late in the middle of the night. Um, are you Hurricane Katrina? Because you're blowing me away with your hot tits. Can I come on your back?

Starting point is 02:18:22 Uh... Uh, what else? What else? Cam looks like his first special was released on a Ring doorbell camera. Uh... Call me for a titty-pong. Call me for a titty-pong. Call me for a titty-pong.

Starting point is 02:18:38 Ian Edwards! Follow him on Instagram, at IanEdwardsComics. Follow Adam Ray Comedy on YouTube right now. His new crowd work special is out. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is unbelievable. Adam Ray Comedy on YouTube, at IanEdwardsComic on Instagram. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land,

Starting point is 02:19:03 Carlos Oso Ravallejo,, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez, the great Nick Lewis on the bass, John Deez on the keys, and Matt Mueling on guitar. The drive from Ryan J. Ebelt's incredible RyanJEbelt.com. Let's see what local artist Chris Rogers drew up over there. Whoa! William and Cam, or Casey Rocket, William and Casey. You gotta love it.

Starting point is 02:19:29 Another very fun episode, Red Band. Check out the secret show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip, atx.com. NinjaBusses.com, thank you. There are transport this weekend in Dallas and Houston. Very fun stuff. Thank you to everybody, including the audience. God bless you guys.

Starting point is 02:19:47 Good night, everyone. The Forum, Madison Square Garden. I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna do it The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! You you

KILL TONY - #660 - ELAINE + IAN EDWARDS

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.