KILL TONY - #668 - SAM TALLENT

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch, go to DeathSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Starting point is 00:00:33 ["Kill Tony Theme Song"] Hey, this is Randy back coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony H. Glenn! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah. Hello everyone, you made it. Welcome to the number one live podcast in the world. Kill Tony brought to you by Talkspace Mood and Chubby.

Starting point is 00:01:26 Say, look, it's Brian Redman. Hey, everybody. Oh, my goodness. How about another hand for the best stand band in the land, ladies and gentlemen? Our horn players got stuck on the runway in Virginia, but we have one beautiful Mexican here. Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, Seth One joining us on

Starting point is 00:01:50 the keys while Deez is with Gary Clark Jr. and this is the great and powerful D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my goodness gracious how exciting so much fun planned before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hey y'all this podcast is sponsored by Cook Unity guys. I have been craving the burger from Casino El Caminio here in Austin Texas. Let me tell you this, how great would it be to get that level of culinary satisfaction from home? If you've got culinary taste, you know how expensive exploring your local food scene

Starting point is 00:02:44 can get or how hard it is to find the time and energy to try somewhere new. Cook Unity is the first chef to use service, delivering locally sourced meals from award-winning chefs right to your door every week, and it's cheaper than every other delivery option. So go to cookunity.com slash Tony or enter code Tony before checkout for 50% off your first week.

Starting point is 00:03:03 What a deal, Red Band. Tony, I love cooking. I recently got the classic lasagna, balonese. Bolognese! We call it balonese. Oh my, oh, you're balonese-ing up. Because you've been eating so much of it. Oh, it was made from fresh ingredients.

Starting point is 00:03:18 It tasted like it was from a restaurant. It actually, the meals really are delicious. They're done either in the microwave or the oven. If you put in the oven, you get crispier cheese and stuff like that. I like it in the oven. What about you, Tony? I am also an oven guy. Unlike other services, Cook Unity is a chef collective chef collective

Starting point is 00:03:41 bringing exciting culinary straight to your table. Cook Unity works with some of the best chefs in the country to bring you creative, delicious meals every week. Plus your food arrives fresh, never frozen, and packaging that keeps meals fresh in the fridge for up to seven days. There are hundreds of dishes to choose from, and the menu is updated constantly. Menus are posted two weeks in advance, so you have plenty of time to choose. Experience chef quality meals every week, delivered right to your door. Go to cookunity.com slash Tony or enter code Tony before check out for 50% off your first week. That's 50% off your first week by using code Tony or go to cookunity.com slash Tony or enter code Tony before check out 50% off your first week that's 50% off your first week by using code Tony or go

Starting point is 00:04:06 to cookunity.com slash Tony. Two freshly cracked eggs any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only six dollars at A&W's in Ontario. Experience A&W's classic breakfast on now. Dine-in only until 11 a.m. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? A&W's Classic Breakfast on now, dining only until 11 a.m. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? We're back baby, we're back home, where it all goes down in beautiful Austin, Texas.

Starting point is 00:04:36 One of the best comedians in the world, one of our favorite guests ever tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the return of the great and powerful Sam Talent. Oh yeah, baby. Here he is. These people get it. We got some real comedy fans here tonight.

Starting point is 00:04:55 Sam Talent, one of the best in the world. We love him. Come on in. The great and powerful Sam Talent is back. Welcome, Sam. Hey, I just want to commend you on your great performance on The Roast. It was very good.

Starting point is 00:05:14 Thank you so much. This is the first episode back since then. First episode back in Oz. Who wrote those jokes? Ha-ha-ha. It was me. No, I watched it with my mother-in-law, and she was blown away. Yeah, it was amazing. It was me. No, I was... I watched it with my mother-in-law, and she was blown away.

Starting point is 00:05:26 Yeah, it was amazing. She was. She's not an easy... That was a compliment. It was... It was very good. I love that. It went Drew Bledsoe than you, I think. Oh, you like Drew Bledsoe? I'm a big Bledsoe guy.

Starting point is 00:05:37 He sent me a case of his fucking wine, and I'm not a big wine guy, but I gotta tell you, I cracked one of these bottles open the other night, smoked a blunt, drank some wine, and it was so good. I ended up getting drunk all by myself, just drank a fuckin' bottle of red wine. Thought about the world. I think Drew does that a lot.

Starting point is 00:05:56 Yeah, I think so. He had like puffy stop sign face. Oh yeah, he's good. He licked his top teeth a lot, I noticed. Yeah, cause he was blasted on blow. Yeah, probably. Yeah, it's in his last name. It's amazing. It is amazing.

Starting point is 00:06:11 We had so much fun, a lot of football fun out there. You're a big bronco. Peyton Manning was there. That's right, yep. There were some jokes I didn't get to do because I thought Peyton originally was going to be out there the whole time. Mm-hmm. And I probably shouldn't do it.

Starting point is 00:06:27 It doesn't make sense to do it. You guys want me to do it? Here. Here, I'll be Peyton Manning. Yeah, there he is. There he is. I'll be Burt. So I was gonna say, there's a cult. There's a cult and a...

Starting point is 00:06:46 Thank you. Red Band, shut the fuck up. No one knows what the fuck you're talking about, you retarded retard. You want me to be Peyton Manning as Burt Kreischer? No, no, no, no, no. It's okay. Let's just leave Burt out of it. Let's ignore everything that Red Band says.

Starting point is 00:06:59 It's been a while since you've been a guest on the show. Let me remind you, Red Band, let's just ignore him completely throughout the night. We have a colt and a bronco here, and that's just Peyton Manning. And we have a brown and a stealer, and that's just Sam Jay. Because black people steal things. Not D Madnessness, though,

Starting point is 00:07:25 because he can't find where our pockets are. All right. All right, Peyton. Thank you so much. How about a hand for Peyton Manning? Yeah, thank you. Sam has been on the show numerous times, one of the great guests in the history of the show. You know how it works.

Starting point is 00:07:38 And an extraordinary amount of people, 216 souls, signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket. If I pull one of their names, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know the time is up and you're the son of a kitty. That means they have to wrap it up then

Starting point is 00:07:55 or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And then I interview them, the entire show is improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? The first name has been pre-pulled, and while they wrangle them from across the street at Poor Choices, a bar here on 6th Street, we will start the show with one of our esteemed regulars fresh

Starting point is 00:08:18 off of an unbelievably unanimous decision victory in Los Angeles, California. He defended and we used a fucking volume meter thing. What's that called? Fucking. Volume meter thing. Decimal. Decimal meter. We used the audience, we used everybody.

Starting point is 00:08:37 It was completely unanimous. Ladies and gentlemen, sing it if you know the words. This is the return of Hans Kim. -♪ Go! -♪ The show's on -♪ The show's on -♪ The show's on -♪ The show's on

Starting point is 00:08:56 -♪ The show's on -♪ The show's on -♪ The show's on -♪ The show's on -♪ The show's on -♪ The show's on the Joe Rogan experience, and I realized that watching Terrence Howard do math on Joe Rogan experience is like watching an Asian play basketball in the NBA. Now I know how black people felt during Jeremy Lin. You guys ever notice that the more recently

Starting point is 00:09:22 we bombed the country, the better their Uber drivers are? I can't even imagine how good these Palestinians are gonna be. Food and water, everything they don't have there right now. I can't believe we convinced women to enjoy drag. Drag is just a bunch of men dressed up and acting like a cartoonish caricature of women. It's basically blackface for women. Thank you. Exactly 60 seconds.

Starting point is 00:09:57 A professional and, shall I say, the newest member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Thank you, Tony. Incredible, incredible achievement. Joining only Michael Lair, William Montgomery, and David Lucas. I'm so honored. Hopefully I can, you know, usually people enter the Hall of Fame at the end of their career.

Starting point is 00:10:19 I hope I can continue to have a career. Yes, we hope so too. You've done it here tonight. Sam Talent. You know, Hans, that was very good. Thank you. Yeah. I'm also surprised I said that to you, Hans.

Starting point is 00:10:35 Yes. The Palestinian joke was great. All it took for you to write a good joke was a genocide. So that's good. That's a victory. Yeah. Usually I blast you but Hans well played thank you Sam game respects game young on that is I love to open for you

Starting point is 00:10:53 one day no no wow let's not go crazy okay yeah no no you also sell more tickets than me because of this fucking joker over here. It is true, Hans Kim is one of the biggest draws in America right now, so eat that up. So God is dead. Ha ha ha. And he's not coming back. No, no.

Starting point is 00:11:17 Yeah. We love him. We love God here, here in Texas. Which one? The only one that matters, Joe Rogan. Oh. Hell, yeah. He is somehow more powerful than the Jews.

Starting point is 00:11:32 It is incredible. It is incredible. When he gets fucking cloud-seating down, it's all over. So, Hans, what's been going on in your world? You've been celebrating? What's happening? I've been drinking. I've been smoking weed. I bought an AR-15 recently. Wow. I've been really getting into shooting.

Starting point is 00:11:55 It's a great hobby, because everyone takes an interest in it. Wow. Why did you get the gun that's hard for you to say? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Our fellow comedian Chris D'Elia also got an AR-15. He swears it's an ARE team. Very good. Very good.

Starting point is 00:12:22 So are you drinking and shooting the AR-15, or are those two separate things? No, Wednesday I did both. Okay. Are you hitting targets with that? Sometimes, yes. Do you use like toothpicks to lift your eyes open? It's very hard for me to see. I have a... I'm left eye dominant.

Starting point is 00:12:48 What? I'm left eye dominant, so when I hold the gun out, it's like, I gotta go like that. Whoa. What? Left eye dominant? Left eye dominant? Yeah, it's good for baseball.

Starting point is 00:13:04 It's even better for TLC. Absolutely. It was bad for Andre Risen, though. That is true. You've seen the video with Left Eye, her last moments with the Coca-Cola, and she's driving, and then she swerves. You've seen it? There's a video of her dying. No. Yeah, there's a famous video of her... We jerk off to different things, Tony.

Starting point is 00:13:24 Yeah. I'm still good with big naturals, you know, but... of her dying. No. Yeah, there's a famous video of her... We jerk off to different things, Tony. I'm still good with big naturals, you know, but... I'm right-hand dominant. But no, there's a video of Left Eye famously in her last moments, and she dies by pulling what we would call a Hans Kim into a tree. That's a car accident, everybody. I'm actually trying to buy Red Band's car right now. Oh. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:54 You have a gun, you don't have to try anymore. Yeah. It'd be nice for him to get shot with something other than insulin. No. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha- Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. What else is going on, Hans?

Starting point is 00:14:10 Um, I am, uh, trying to win my ex back. I am, um... Ha ha ha ha. Why? Why? All the fish in the sea, and you love sushi. What's going on here? I just think that we have a connection and we have a bond. The woman who broke up with you?

Starting point is 00:14:29 Yeah. What's the connection? We enjoy door dashing food and you know playing Fortnite together. That's so fucking easy. You could just date an 18 year old chick man. That's all they love. And again you have a gun. Oh, yeah, I haven't tried using the gun during dates.

Starting point is 00:14:51 Oh, yeah, you know what you do? You put it in your mouth and you say, make my gun cum. Thank you, Sam. I'm happily married for 13 years. Yeah, yeah. Hans is literally gonna to try that. So Hans, you did it.

Starting point is 00:15:08 You started the show. Thank you so much. It's so good to see you back in the stable again. Thank you, guys. Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen, kicking off the show. One of the legends of the game. Hans, stay away from Virginia Tech. It's been done. And now it truly begins, the heartbeat of the game. Hans, stay away from Virginia Tech. It's been done. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:15:26 And now it truly begins, the heartbeat of the show. The bucket of destiny has spoken. Your first comedian getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight. Now again, anything can happen here. It could be the future superstar of the show. It could be an absolute failure. Anything can happen. We don't know.

Starting point is 00:15:46 Let's meet them all together. 60 Seconds Uninterrupted coming up for Caitlin Kay, everybody. Whoa! Caitlin Kay. -♪ -♪ So, when I was younger, I was anorexic and bulimic, and I used to have people come up to me and say,

Starting point is 00:16:06 oh my God, what are you doing? I was like, I'm dying. They're like, death looks great on you, keep doing it. Yeah, I recently had an emotional breakdown, and I know that everyone can tell because I got these obnoxious highlights. You know, have you guys ever gotten a haircut so bad your husband turns on location tracking?

Starting point is 00:16:34 Thank you. I am controlling though, and in my relationship, I like to micromanage. All that means is that my husband microdoses mushrooms, and then I manage it. So it's great. I... Also, a little fun fact for you all.

Starting point is 00:16:56 The vagina walls are really strong. They can actually crack an egg. Whoo! It's called a miscarriage over easy. Okay. It's a very happy audience we have here tonight. Very giving. Very giving. Very compassionate people.

Starting point is 00:17:19 Defined by empathy. Caitlin, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Like two years. Two years. Where at? Dallas. And now you live here or you're still in Dallas? No, I just come up from time to time to, you know, do mother, you know, sign up for mothership. And I've done, I've tried to sign up for kill Tony a couple of times too. So okay. And here you are would you say that that's your best minute? I mean, it's good enough. I for what exactly what is it good? I'm curious with that where that's good enough. So

Starting point is 00:18:03 So I've been trying really hard to not give a bunch of sex jokes Right because I feel like that's really easy to make jokes about it. So I've been trying to be a little bit more clean. And that was me doing that attempt. Yeah. Right. Miscarriages. Yes. Yes, good old clean miscarriages.

Starting point is 00:18:19 Everything up until that. Well, everything up until that fell flatter than your chest. So, uh. Oh. Thanks. Thanks. That's the only A you're getting Well, everything up until that fell flatter than your chest. So... Thanks. That's the only A you're getting, or the bra size.

Starting point is 00:18:30 It's true. It's true. Welcome. You should eat a lot more, and you'll have huge jugs. It's... It worked very well for me. I'll take notes. I'll take notes on that. Yeah. Yeah. Kailin, what do you do for work?

Starting point is 00:18:44 So, I have been a stripper and a sex coach for a while, I'll take notes on that. Yeah. Yeah. Kailin, what do you do for work? So, I have been a stripper and a sex coach for a while, and I just... Where are you a stripper at, exactly? What dilapidated comedy club are you a stripper at? Yeah. It's at the Lodge in Dallas. Wow.

Starting point is 00:18:58 What's your stage name? Bratz Doll? Bratz Doll. Or, uh, Mad at My Dad Barbie. That one, too. Yeah, uh, mad at my dad, Barbie. That one too? Yeah, no. It's clear. Don't do any more bits. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:19:10 Fair. Fair. I got it. Yeah. If you go get the little bits, you can just look at your tits. Oh my god. Just tiny little, tiny little yellow M&Ms, everybody. Who wants one?

Starting point is 00:19:20 There you go. All right. Um. You look healthy, you know? Whoever you got your hair from had a good hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Thank you. Yes, you're welcome. Yes. That is incredible.

Starting point is 00:19:31 That is... How many Dalmatians have you tried to kill? The hairstyle is incredible. More than I can count, yeah. Right. So you're a stripper and a sex coach. This is incredible. I don't think we've ever had a sex coach on this show before.

Starting point is 00:19:47 What can you do? I'm right here. Anyone need any tips? This is all you need. This is all you... This is it. That really is. That is...

Starting point is 00:20:02 Come hither. That is true. Yeah. Not bad. Go ahead, give us some of your great advice. Like what is your, if you're a sex coach, what would your like fumble-roosky play be? Ooh, so a lot of it has to do with communication, right? So, boring.

Starting point is 00:20:19 Oh, welcome to the kingdom of boredom, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and all the kingdom of boredom, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, out of all the sex coaching, nothing better than talking to a loved one. Oh, don't you just want to hear their voice some more after a long dinner? Wouldn't it just be great to talk about what you want? Oh, I'm getting hard just thinking about it. Oh. Doh! All right, what else? Doosh! Oh, I'm getting hard just thinking about it.

Starting point is 00:20:45 Doh! All right, what else? Doosh! Doot, doot, doot, doot. All right, all right, all right. Oh, no, Hans did something brave. Okay. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:03 He finally earned a headline. Okay, seriously, tell us about the communication that you're talking about. Yeah, communication and oral is great because if you don't do it, you'll go blind. Just so you know. Well, remember what we said about bits. Okay, I'll stop. Be yourself. You're an enchanting, you're a charming person.

Starting point is 00:21:33 Thank you. Yeah, appreciate it. So tell us more. I mean, that communication and oral, that's kind of like what, first base of coaching. What would be like your master class? Like if we, if we, if we paid vast sums of money, what would be the point? Yeah, cause it's hard to talk with your mouth full, you know?

Starting point is 00:21:52 That, that is also accurate. So master class, it would be, fuck man. I keep, I'm sorry, I'm nervous. I am not going to talk. I'm not going to talk about communication again. Definitely not. If you were gonna- Lube is great.

Starting point is 00:22:08 First of all, lube is amazing. A lot can, lube can take you very far. Do they pay you for your coaching? It's like state in the obvious. They do, they do. Yeah, also I have a talk show on Pornhub, but you can't find it right now. Very good, Michael Gonzalez. Yeah, also I have a talk show on Pornhub, but you can't find it right now. -♪ Pornhub theme playing.

Starting point is 00:22:28 Very good, Michael Gonzalez. Wow, I've never heard you fucking play the Pornhub theme like that. Oh, I thought you were saying very good as if, play her off. I thought, no. Is that what it sounds like? God.

Starting point is 00:22:46 I can't really listen to it when I'm on the bus, you know? By the way, Tony, you could still watch Pornhub if you have ExpressVPN. That is true. Use the promo code KILTONI and save 20% off your first month. So, Caitlin, you have a husband. Yes. How long have you been with him?

Starting point is 00:23:00 Five years, Sam. Five years. What does he do for a living? Let me guess. Plays bass in a rockabilly band. Ooh. That's a great fucking guess. He's a lawyer, actually, and he's a comedian, so he signed up for this tonight.

Starting point is 00:23:12 Oh, geez Louise. Incredible. I really hope he comes out here. You guys seem to have a relationship built on humor. How long has he been doing stand-up? He's been doing it for six years now. And so you saw him and you're like, I can do that.

Starting point is 00:23:30 Uh, I did improv for a little while, and we met around the same time. You're not, you're not wrong. You're not wrong about that. Okay. All right, Caitlin Kay. Well, congratulations on getting pulled out of the bucket. This is an official little joke book by the great Bones Eye.

Starting point is 00:23:50 Can you catch it? Here you go. Boom. There you go. Very good. Good work, Caitlin. There she goes. Caitlin Kay, everybody, getting the show started.

Starting point is 00:23:59 She's a sex coach, everybody. Oh, look, it's the lovely Heidi, everyone. You know, I love this band. I don't know if you can see them on the screen. You can pan around a little bit. You know, you got the horn players, Michael Gonzalez. I just wanna let all of you know, everybody, that I love you. And it can be therapeutic to hear that.

Starting point is 00:24:21 And some of us can't afford therapy. And when I say us, us I mean I can afford it But maybe you at home can't this podcast is brought to you by talkspace and it can be challenging to find and meet with a therapist That is the right fit talkspace is so accessible. They personalized treatment and Meet with you online and offer the ability to text your therapist at any time Redban talkspace therapy and psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and employers. Most insured members pay a copay of $30 or less.

Starting point is 00:24:53 You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider that's right for your needs, typically within 48 hours. You can also switch providers at no extra cost. Plus, Talkspace makes getting help convenient because you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home. Wow, that's a lot for you to read, Redband. It's incredible how good of a job you did. As a listener of this podcast, you'll get

Starting point is 00:25:17 $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space 80. To match with a licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space 80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash Tony promo code space 80. This podcast is sponsored by mood. Guys, summer plans can be more stressful than relaxing. Am I right?

Starting point is 00:25:42 Well this summer why not try one of moods sleepy chill or relief products. Moods potent product lineup is a perfect companion for whatever you have planned this summer. Their hemp-based THCA flowers, the future of legal THC. Try it along with all of Mood's other amazing offerings like flower gummies, vapes, and warm. For a limited time, Mood is giving our listeners a free THCA pre-roll and 20% off your first order.

Starting point is 00:25:59 Just visit hellomood.com and use our code, kill Tony. Red band. Tony, I tried the sleepy time gummies the other day and they were so relaxing. They made me wind down before bed in the most amazing way I can't think of a better way to end a hot summer day. Hmm that's extremely wholesome Redban moods a new product THC a flowers the latest and most potent breakthrough in the world of legal cannabis since THC converts to THC when you heat it you get access to classic marijuana high and mood has 10

Starting point is 00:26:22 high inducing strains the most potent they've ever offered mood puts an end to guessing games with federally legal forms of THC extracted from hemp plants. All of their products are regularly tested in third party labs, plus it's sourced from small family farms and pesticide free. However you like to take THC mood has you covered. It's great for both beginner and veteran users. So add more relaxation to your summer plans with mood for a limited time, only get 20% off your first order plus a free THC. A pre-order just go to hello mood dot com and use promo code So add more relaxation to your summer plans with mood for a limited time only get 20% off your first order plus free thca Pre-order just go to hello mood comm and use promo code kill tony. That's hello mo od

Starting point is 00:26:50 Comm code kill tony for 20% off your order in every thc peri roll All right, your next comedian 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Tanner Aurora or tanvira, Aurora, perhaps Oh, okay. here we go. Hey, have you all ever felt like punching someone in the face, but then you held back because you practiced this form of meditation called being on a visa. I've been in this country 15 years, I'm still on a visa.

Starting point is 00:27:26 That's insane, man. And quite honestly, now is when I feel the most American I've ever felt in my life. Because I was recently diagnosed with anxiety, depression, bipolar, you name it. I'm really trying hard to fit in with you all, man. Come on. I recently had a baby, and I'll be honest, I never thought of myself to be like a dad, you know? I never thought I'll have that emotional connection with a child.

Starting point is 00:27:49 But the day my daughter was born, I held her in my arms for the very first time. I got emotional. I started crying. You know why? Because that was the moment I realized this little thing is a citizen of the United States. And I'm still on a fucking visa? What's up with that?

Starting point is 00:28:08 Yes. That'll be my time. Thank you. Tanveer Arora, welcome. Thank you. Thank you. Hi. Thank you for doing a good job. Thank you. Yeah. Thank you. It's been pretty tough so far.

Starting point is 00:28:22 All right. We had to pretend that Hans was good and then. What did I miss? Literally nothing. Okay. Yeah. That's great. That's great.

Starting point is 00:28:35 Immigrants for the win. Well, let's pump the bricks. Yeah. One step. I shouldn't have said that, sorry. One step at a time. No, you're good. You're good.

Starting point is 00:28:44 Tanveer, how long you been doing stand-up? About eight years. Eight years. Where have you been doing it for eight years? said that, sorry. One step at a time. No, you're good, you're good. Tanvir, how long you been doing stand-up? About eight years. Eight years, where have you been doing it for eight years? San Antonio, Texas. Oh, wow. Okay, that's where you live? Yep. That's where you work?

Starting point is 00:28:53 That's where I work. That's as far as you got, huh? You're like, I'm staying here. Yep. Yeah. I moved from Mumbai, India to straight to San Antonio, Texas. Wow. Don't ask me why.

Starting point is 00:29:04 The Paris of South Texas. It is. What made you pick San Antonio, Texas. Wow. Whoa. Don't ask me why. The Paris of South Texas. It is. What made you pick San Antonio exactly? It was, I don't know. I just haven't, no one picks San Antonio like that, but I mean, I love the city, but. What did you do? You just blew a dart at the map?

Starting point is 00:29:19 Yeah. That's my next place of attack. Um. That's my next place of attack. Um... Okay. All right. Hell, yeah. It was a reflex. I apologize. It was a reflex.

Starting point is 00:29:30 No, I got a job there, and that's it. Like, I came... What was your job? Trying to assassinate Indiana Jones? And I was successful, wasn't I? No, no, no. He wanted that one. It's a temple of doom.

Starting point is 00:29:38 No, I do. I was a good guy. I was a good guy. I was a good guy. I was a good guy. I was a good guy. I was a good guy. I was a good guy. I was a good guy. I was successful, wasn't I? No, no, no, he wanted that one.

Starting point is 00:29:47 It's the Temple of Doom. No, I do IT. Oh, okay. What exactly do you do with IT? Oh, you have a follow-up question. Yes. Let's keep mining this vein, yes. Oh, it's actually interesting.

Starting point is 00:30:01 My new job is to, like, talk to cl- Dear identities. Hey, that's nostalgic. It's actually interesting. My new job is to like talk to, okay, sure. Is he gonna like this? Probably. So Cam was in San Antonio just a couple of weeks ago, and at the station comedy club that I am part owners with, and Cam drops in. Everyone knows Cam. Everyone's like excited about it.

Starting point is 00:30:35 I did not know who Cam was. And I was just running a late show, and I go in there, and Cam's like, can I go up? I'm like, yeah, you can do three minutes. And then I walk off, and everyone gave me shit for that. They're like, what the fuck did you do? Right. He's Cam Patterson. And then Cam, I heard Cam say,

Starting point is 00:30:52 apparently I'm not that big in San Antonio. Ha ha ha, yeah. Well, at least you didn't call the cops. Yeah. Ha ha ha. I'm thankful for Cam for doing that. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, for sure.

Starting point is 00:31:03 I love it. So you're originally from Mumbai. What were you doing out there? Just living with my parents. Doing nothing. Studying for or finding ways how to come to America. Wow. And what was your plan?

Starting point is 00:31:18 How did you end up executing this plan? I got a master's degree in college station Texas at A&M. No, fuck that place. No. Whoa. No. Imagine I moved from Mumbai, India to fucking Caller Station, Texas, all right? No, that was...

Starting point is 00:31:32 People come to this country to upgrade their lives. I fucking was... No. No. No, it was... I was... I started slumming in America. That's not how it should have been. No. Wow.

Starting point is 00:31:43 Slumdog millionaire over here. In reverse. In reverse. Incredible. Yeah. Did you ride on top of the train the whole way to America? No, no, no. He took a carpet, you fool. Oh, a carpet. Yes. It's a shy one.

Starting point is 00:31:57 Wrong and wrong. It was an airplane, y'all. It was an airplane. Oh, no. That's not good. Oh, no. We don't like your type on airplanes. No you didn't. I love it. What do you do for fun Tanvir?

Starting point is 00:32:13 When you're not doing stand-up comedy, what do you like to do? You ever go to the Lodge Strip Club and look at the tiniest tits you've ever seen in your life? I have not, but that sounds like a good idea after this. All nipples out there. It's all nipples. That's what they say, 100% nips. You can read her like Braille.

Starting point is 00:32:31 Yeah. Yeah. D. Yeah. D. Sorry, D can't read. You doing a yellow M&M? There you go.

Starting point is 00:32:41 I would try it, but you know, I'm gonna be, I'm not risking that shit. I'm not doing that. D, you can read. I lost D. All right. You have a baby, you said. I do have a baby. How old's your baby? She's 2 1 1 2 now.

Starting point is 00:32:53 2 1 1 2? Yep. Very good. And what does your wife do? Oh, fuck. We recently separated. Oh. What happened exactly? Tell us. Give us the dirt.

Starting point is 00:33:08 You're on a podcast now. Well, have you stoned her to death yet? Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Oh. I cheated. Oh! Wow. Whoa. Wow. You couldn't keep your little snake in its pants. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:35 How enchanting was that flute music? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. How many people watch this again? Millions. Yeah, yeah. The most. But, but, but in my defense, it was with a dude. Hey! Whoa, wait. Tell us more.

Starting point is 00:33:50 I'm hard as a rock. Ah, there you go. I shouldn't say rock around you either. No, I actually say comedy. I blame comedy for it. It made me like explore, like, okay, coming to America, I explore things, I learn about things, and I'm like, all right, you can follow different religions,

Starting point is 00:34:09 you can explore your sexuality. Shut up, dude. Coming to, okay. How good was Debussy? No. How did you end up with a dude? What are you talking about? I went on Grindr and...

Starting point is 00:34:23 You just wanted to experiment? I just wanted to experiment. This first time thing for you? Yeah. And you'd never been with a man before? No. So you downloaded the Grindr app. Yep. Right, your heart's beating out of control.

Starting point is 00:34:33 Yep. You're like, what am I doing? I've never done anything like this before, this is crazy. Yeah. You thought it was the DoorDash app? That would have been hard, honestly, but... Basically, Dick Dash is what it is. So you download the app, and then what happens? Take a step-by-step through it.

Starting point is 00:34:53 Shit. Oh, shit. Downloaded the app, looked at a bunch of guys, talked to a few, settled on one, and sucked his dick. And then, this is unbelievable. This is. I cannot believe I'm saying this. I love it. This is great. This is what a great interview looks like, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:35:13 I've got a hand for Tanveer. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Sometimes you just got to take your medicine and swallow it. Speaking of which, did, did you, uh, finish him off to completion? Hell yeah. Like a true American, all right?

Starting point is 00:35:32 Give me that green card now. Come on. Was he like, can I come on your turban? You won't believe that's a fetish people have. Is it really? The number of times people have asked me to do... Wait, how many dicks have you sucked since then? We opened up the gateway, huh? It's like I keep digging my grave.

Starting point is 00:35:55 I don't know why I should leave. You're doing a great job. Thank you. Everyone's laughing. Thank you, thank you. Now, when you sucked these dicks, did you at all... Everyone's laughing. Thank you, thank you. Now when you sucked these dicks, did you at all...

Starting point is 00:36:08 Did you think about your newborn child at all? Oh my God, I am gonna cry. Everywhere you go, you have a cum rag so it works out for you. There you go. Whoa! Red band. Red band from 3.3. I'll allow that. I'll allow that. Okay. So it sounds like after you, uh, after you did this, you started doing it a lot more. Yes. Right. It's kind of like it's your whole. What? What Sam? It's like it's your whole

Starting point is 00:36:42 thing now. It defines you. Yeah. Have you been... Oh, like... I'm in comedy as well. Right, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're sucking at many things at once. So, is that your thing, mostly just sucking men's penises, or have you experimented with other things as well?

Starting point is 00:37:02 No, that's it. That's the other line. You just like sucking cock and having a good time. Yep. Telling jokes and sucking dicks. That's my thing. Would you like to do a spot at the secret show on... Fuck yeah! Fuck yeah! Thank you. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm joking.

Starting point is 00:37:14 Thank you. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Okay, you got it. Actually, just book them. Who gives a fuck? Five minutes. Five minutes. All right. Thank you so much. No, hold on. I got questions for you, Timber. This is too interesting. I think there's a lot of people at home that are stuck with a wife they don't love and are probably thinking about doing gay shit. And I want them to hear more about your story.

Starting point is 00:37:37 Yeah, it might keep them up at night, honestly. Yeah. Has this made you happy? Has it brought you joy? Honestly, yeah. It's freeing. You don't have? Has it brought you joy? Honestly, yeah. I mean, yeah, it's freeing. It's you don't have to hide it anymore. This is who I am. It's who you are. It's out there. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:52 It's who you are. Absolutely incredible. Thank you. Thank you. If people in India watch this, I'm fucking banned from India, by the way. I'm not allowed there now. That's good. Um... It's very true.

Starting point is 00:38:07 It is. Like, my parents are gonna disown me after this. Like, this is happening. Well, at least you're gonna do the secret show. Exactly. A final sugar daddy on that show. So, how many San Antonio dicks do you think you've sucked? Have you sucked a la a la Antonio dicks do you think you've sucked? Have you sucked Allah Allah the dicks? Interestingly, no Indian or Pakistani dicks yet.

Starting point is 00:38:32 My man. True American, man. A real American soldier. Absolutely. All right, well, Tanveer, very amazing interview. Fun set. Thank you so much. Here's a big joke for Tanveer. Congratulations. Welcome.

Starting point is 00:38:51 All right. We're having fun. All right. We're cooking. Tanveer left his wife and a baby to just go suck cock. You got to love it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Miller Ford, everybody. Miller Ford, everybody. What's up, everybody?

Starting point is 00:39:14 I'm Miller Ford. I have been told I look like Matthew McConaughey with Down Syndrome. At least that's what my mom always told me. My eyes are too close together. It chicks out. I don't know about you guys, but I hope whoever hired Pete Davidson as a celebrity spokesman of Taco Bell got a raise, because I've never seen someone

Starting point is 00:39:31 who looks more like how Taco Bell makes me feel. Tattooed and pale on the inside. Yeah, I'm in a successful relationship right now. It's my first age gap relationship. I think it's going well, because I just went to her graduation. I did not know middle schools had those things. Yeah, everybody, every time I tell somebody I'm in an age gap relationship,

Starting point is 00:39:52 they look at me like I'm some kind of creep or master manipulator, and that is not the case at all. I met my girlfriend the normal way. I was her fifth-grade pee coach. Yeah, I just got her number. We stayed in touch during holidays, and I checked in on her mom when she was sick. You know, guys, thank you so much.

Starting point is 00:40:10 My name's Miller Ford. It's awesome to be here. Okay. Wow. Someone enjoyed it. Glad you're having a blast, Miller Ford. That was creepier than it was funny. Thank you. A frightening set. How long you been doing standup? Three and a half years. Oh was funny. Thank you. It was a frightening set.

Starting point is 00:40:25 How long you been doing standup? Three and a half years. Oh, Jesus Christ. No way. Yeah, oops. Oops is right. What? I tried.

Starting point is 00:40:32 Like talking and the jokes into the microphone? Yeah, yeah, you know. You didn't say how long you've been standing up. It's true. Standup comedy? Today, yes, standup comedy, yes. Three and a half years. Where at? Where have you been doing this at? Today, yes, stand-up comedy, yes. Three and a half years. Where at?

Starting point is 00:40:46 Where have you been doing this at? In Aspen, Colorado. Oh, okay. Killing it. There's a crazy open mic scene in Aspen. Let me tell you. I saw you. I saw you.

Starting point is 00:40:56 Yeah. Yep, man. What do you do for work? I manage a restaurant. Okay, what restaurant? It's called Pussyfoot Steeps. Wow. Okay. It's named after. How, what restaurant? It's called Pussyfoot Steeps. Okay. How old are you? I am old. I'm 43. 43 years old? Yes. Managing a restaurant in Espen? Do you have a pituitary

Starting point is 00:41:15 disorder? Yeah, I do. You do, right? If I knew what a pituitary was, I would... Why haven't you aged and you look frail? Uh, I quit drinking eight years ago. That was, uh, that was a helper. That's one of your better stories. What made you quit drinking? What was your, I was full. I drank a lot. So I, Oh, my bottom is actually, uh, it w it went viral. Did you get your dick sucked by that guy? Not yet. Okay. Not yet. What's about your bottom that went viral? Well, it went viral, so it's really easy to access. All you need to do is type it. What do you just fucking tell us? It's okay, it's just Miller Ford Aspen. Just type it in, Miller Ford Aspen.

Starting point is 00:41:51 And I said something funny to the police when they were arresting me in the New York, the Associated Press picked it up afterwards. Did you think it was funny or was it actually funny? It was funny when I read it like two years later. You didn't tell us what it is? It was, I said to the police when they asked me, is that cocaine up your nose?

Starting point is 00:42:09 I said, of course it's cocaine up my nose, it's Aspen. And then that just went, and it was everywhere. And then the next thing you know, you're managing a restaurant. It's trickle-down effect works there, so it's like, it's nice there. How did that make the fucking news? I don't know, the New York Daily News picked it's like, it's nice there. Okay. How did that make the fucking news? I don't know. The New York Daily News picked it up like two days later. And then it was like on smoking. Yes. Wow. Yes. Your head there. Holy shit. Yes. You look like TJ Miller.

Starting point is 00:42:36 Thank you. Thank you. Oh my God. That is a before and after picture if I've ever seen one. Yes. Look, that could be you too. Bloated, inflamed face. Yes. Oh my god. That is incredible. The love child of Nick Nolte. Wow.

Starting point is 00:42:52 Now, when that guy got that picture taken, were you funny then? Ha. Yes. To certain crowds, I would say. What makes you stay in Aspen? Why Aspen? I love to ski. I like the. What makes you stay in Aspen? Why Aspen? I love to ski, I like the people, the community's great

Starting point is 00:43:10 and trickle down effect works there. So it's fun. You don't snowboard? I don't, I'm a skier. Why is that? Have you tried it? No, I have never tried, I tried snowboarding and I was like, I'm gonna hurt myself doing this.

Starting point is 00:43:21 I should probably stick with- Incredible, you made us all bored tonight. That's what some people... So villains are created these days. I have nothing to lose. I manage Pussyfoot Jenkins seafood restaurant in Colorado. Hans, can I borrow your AR-15? Incredible. What's your love life like? You seem like your dick doesn't work.

Starting point is 00:43:45 Uh, it's good. I've been in a very happy relationship for the past three years, and it's been nice, man. What does she do? She is currently out in California counting spotted owls. Oh. Yes. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:00 So she's completely made up? Pfft. Thank you. That is the most insane pussy lie I've ever heard. Yeah. No one can call you on that besides, like, well-known ornithologists. I've lied about getting some snooch. Don't worry, man. All right?

Starting point is 00:44:18 Yeah, my wife was born a woman. Wait, I think I hear a spotted owl. D Madness is doing that with his hands somehow. I don't know how he's doing that. So let me ask you, do you believe that she's just out in California looking for spotted owls? You believe her? You trust her after hearing Tanveer just cheated on his baby mama with dicks?

Starting point is 00:44:47 I, I. I. It's a wild world we're living in. I do believe she's just counting owls, yeah. Okay, so you think you dick her down hard enough for her to go to California and just check out owls and she's totally happy? What's your special move in the bedroom?

Starting point is 00:45:02 I don't think it's the, it's more of the mouth. What do you do with your mouth exactly? It's more of the mouth. Can you show us? Can we get some pussy eating music and a spotlight? One, two, one, two, three, four. ["Pussy Eating Music"] Oh, that's her asshole, bro.

Starting point is 00:45:17 That's her ass. Oh, whoa, whoa, okay. How long is her clit? ["Pussy Eating Music"] It's a combination of both. How long is her clit? It's a combination of both. Okay, what are you, wait, don't lick the microphone. Put the microphone down. There you go, show us. Okay, there you go.

Starting point is 00:45:33 Now he's getting into it. Face the audience. Show them. Oh, oh, whoa, oh. Keep going. Oh. Oh. Keep going. All right, that's good.

Starting point is 00:45:46 Miller Ford. Anything else crazy we should know about you and about your entire life? Uh, you know, that and, um, yeah, man, I, uh, I am so fucking fri- I never have signed up for this. I came to Austin to do the open mics for a month, and all of a sudden, I, uh, I am so fucking fri... I never have signed up for this.

Starting point is 00:46:05 I came to Austin to do the open mics for a month, and all of a sudden they said my name, and my brain just fucking exploded. And I'm so happy to meet you, see you, Sam, again, and it's just, dude, Austin, this is fucking awesome. Yeah! Look out at the audience. Are your eyes slowly getting closer together?

Starting point is 00:46:25 He's turning into a fucking cyclops right in front of us right now. Miller, here's a joke book. Congratulations. There he goes. Miller for it. Thanks, everybody. All right, we're gonna do something special right now. Live on the show, you're going to get to meet a brand-new comedian.

Starting point is 00:46:44 I met her after I did stand-up at the Ryman Auditorium Live on the show, you're going to get to meet a brand new comedian. I met her after I did stand up at the Ryman Auditorium, aka the Grand Ole Opry in Nashville. There was a big comedy festival going on, and my squad told me that she's an amazing comedian. She said she's coming to Austin. I said, I guarantee you a spot. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut, the first minute ever done by the great, brand new Fiona Cauley, ladies

Starting point is 00:47:12 and gentlemen. Fiona Cauley, everyone. Make some noise for Fiona, everybody. You can do better than that. All the way from Nashville, Tennessee, her Austin, Texas debut, and her KilToni debut. All at once, one more time for Fiona Colley, everybody. -♪ Whoo! -♪ -♪ Whoo! -♪ -♪ Whoo! -♪ -♪ Whoo! -♪

Starting point is 00:47:42 We can talk about it. Um... -♪ Whoo! -♪ We can talk about it. So I've been in a wheelchair for a few years now, and the most common question I get, people want to know, what is the hardest part about living life from a wheelchair. And, you know, for me personally, the hardest part is just how unaware everyone is of what a great ass I have. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:19 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah you. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:48:28 Take my word for it. Um... Y'all know how, uh, men will brag about, like, ah, I fucked her so good she couldn't walk the next day. Rude. Well, I'm looking for a man

Starting point is 00:48:55 who can fuck me so good that I can. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee.

Starting point is 00:49:13 I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. I'm gonna go get some coffee. Yes, it's a thing. Old Hot Wheels over there. So Fiona, what is, first of all, hilarious, amazing. Yeah, great work, great jokes.

Starting point is 00:49:32 Amazing. Funnier than all the bucket pulls. Yeah, amazing. So what is your condition? Yeah, I have a rare neurological disease called Friedrich's ataxia. It's progressive. It affects your muscles. So it's gonna get worse. Yeah, hell yeah. Party time. What?

Starting point is 00:50:01 That's a feather in your cap. That's... It's a feather in your cap. Yes. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. OK. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. So. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:50:15 That's. How long have you been doing stand up? Three years. Well, let's look. Ha ha ha. Three years. All of it in Nashville? I love it.

Starting point is 00:50:28 I love it. Do you leave Nashville a lot? Traveling? So that's probably right? Yeah, it's fucking awful. This is my traveling chair though. The accessory I drove you all the way down to Austin?

Starting point is 00:50:44 Great gas mileage. So... The accessory I drove you all the way down to Austin? Yeah. That's good. Great gas mileage. It is. I see you got a white claw there. You're able to get a little trashed, huh? Oh, yeah. I mean, you never know how drunk you are to stand up, so... Amazing. Absolutely amazing.

Starting point is 00:51:14 Get him! Do more! So, tell us more about your life, Fiona. I'm interested in finding out more about your anything. Yeah, I'm a big ramp enthusiast. Uh... Yeah. Yeah. You mean the incline, not the delicious root vegetable. Right.

Starting point is 00:51:40 Correct, yeah. Vegetables don't eat vegetables. Um... Wow. Correct, yeah. Vegetables don't eat vegetables. Um... Wow. Yeah! A cold-blooded assassin. Yeah!

Starting point is 00:51:57 I love it. Fiona, so what is your love life like? Um, I have a boyfriend. Ooh la la. Yeah, even me. All right, I love it. And what does he do? He's a comedian.

Starting point is 00:52:09 Okay. All right. And you guys met at like an open mic or something? At Zany's in Nashville, yeah. One of the best comedy clubs in the country. No doubt about it. Zany's in Nashville. Okay, so you met him there, and then how does that go? What do you guys do on a first date?

Starting point is 00:52:28 You guys go roller skating or something like that? Oh my gosh. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, this is true. Okay, we went to eat food, and then we went back to my place, and he turned on Love on the Spectrum. Oh shit.

Starting point is 00:52:46 Yeah. Well, he didn't want to ask what you had, you know? He was just... He's like, hey, I like this show. Do you ever really relate to these guys? Yeah. Psst, psst, psst. Because they're living normal lives, you know?

Starting point is 00:53:06 Seems... Yeah. Okay, so love on the spectrum, and then what happens? Does he make a move on night one? No, he would not let me kiss him. Oh, my goodness. See a burn victim? Wait, was it... Yeah, why would he let you kiss him?

Starting point is 00:53:26 What is he, a gay Indian man? No, he thought this would be contagious, but. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Starting point is 00:53:40 No. No. No. No. No. Wow. Now, how long have you been with this gentleman? Nine months. Nine months.

Starting point is 00:53:49 And was there any fear initially that he might be like a perv and trying to fetishize you? Yeah, I think the hard part about dating when you're in a wheelchair is like, first off, you got to find out like, are you the first, second, or third? If you... Are you talking about the gears on your chair? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:54:09 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You really can only have one, though. Like, if he does this again, it's...

Starting point is 00:54:20 You're on a list somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah. Exactly. Yeah, a list to say, don't let on a list somewhere. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, exactly. Yeah, list to say don't let them dine upstairs. Yep, we don't allow any four-wheelers around here. You know what I mean? But he's a short man,

Starting point is 00:54:36 and short men fucking love women in wheelchairs. Hell yeah, they do. Hell yeah, they can tower over them at all times. It's a short man's delight. Short man's wet dream, yeah. I'm just thinking about your tiny boyfriend sitting like a cat in your lap as you motor around, you know? Absolutely incredible. Does he ever skitch on the back of the chair?

Starting point is 00:55:05 Yeah. Yeah. The little fuckin', yeah. Like a skateboard or a sled or something? Yeah, no. Sidecar on my fuckin'. Ha ha ha. I love it.

Starting point is 00:55:19 You have a lot of money. Can you build her a sidecar for that thing? Yeah. Yeah, we could. That'd be great. We'll save it for the home chair, though, not the travel chair. We don't want to clutter up the travel chair. I met Fiona in Denver,

Starting point is 00:55:32 and she opened a show that I was doing, and she was very funny. And this is great. You did such a good job. You also geared me up a flight of stairs. And I didn't cop a feel. Not even... audience laughs audience cheers And I didn't cop a feel. Not even... It's true. It's true.

Starting point is 00:55:50 Yes, I did. I did not. I was a gentleman about it. Yes. The whole time. That's so nice. Did I think I could probably get away with this? Yes, I did. You're like, can't you even feel it? Yeah. Do you even feel it? Yeah. Ha ha. Thursday night. That's when your show is. Upstairs, yes.

Starting point is 00:56:29 Oh. You have an elevator? We got a couple big guys. Sunset Strip, I did a show there. I got carried. Okay. Yep. We're gonna carry you all the way to the fucking mountaintop, Fiona. I feel like a star was born here tonight.

Starting point is 00:56:46 You did an excellent job. No doubt about it. And to confirm that a star is born, we have a very special guest that swung by tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, making a little cameo. Make some noise for one of the greatest comedians of all time, and without a doubt, the greatest female stand-up comedian of all time.

Starting point is 00:57:06 Ladies and gentlemen, popping in to say hello, friend of the show, fellow Texan, Roseanne Barr. -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪

Starting point is 00:57:17 -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ -♪ Yeah! -♪ Make some noise for Roseanne one more time.

Starting point is 00:57:36 The Queen has arrived. I notice you didn't stand up. That's... As I stumble my way drunkenly to the forum here, I just want to say you killed it. You were the fucking comedy assassin on that roast. Oh, thank you, Rosanne. He is the comedy assassin. No fear, no limits, no boundaries. Fuck yeah, bitch. Well, I learned from my comedy store,

Starting point is 00:58:07 four fathers and four mothers. And you're one of my four mothers. This, uh, it's lovely to see all these young people here. I love, I'm 72 fucking years old. Whoo! I never thought I'd live this long, hence, I would never have done all the drugs and drink and if I knew I was gonna live this long I would have took better care of myself,

Starting point is 00:58:32 you know. But whatever. It's nice to see you all. Well I just dropped in because, you know, I wanted to watch people. And you started at my comedy club in Denver, The Comedy Works. Yes, ma'am. Yep.

Starting point is 00:58:52 Isn't that something? You are so funny. I've never seen you before. Tony said you're going to be blown away by this guy. I am blown away. I'm blown away with how funny you are, Mr. Talent. Thank you. Thank you, Roseanne. It's very kind of you to say. He's pretty good, ain't he?

Starting point is 00:59:09 From Denver, this guy. Big, fat guy, all tattooed. It's so great. Could have just said I was funny, but yeah. It's so awesome. It's good to know at your old age, your eyesight still works. You know, here. Ha ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:59:26 Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. It's also crazy for you to brag about being 72 in front of Fiona, you know? Yeah, it's... She's not gonna make it to 72. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:59:36 Why? She's got wiggle bone or something. I don't know. Ha ha ha ha. She's got one white claw now. She's gonna have two in a few months. Ha ha ha ha. Aw. Aw. Ha ha ha ha. She's got one white claw now. She's gonna have two in a few months. Oh! Aww.

Starting point is 00:59:47 Aww. Well, I'm actually here as the comedy grandma to the comedians, you know. Whoo! And, you know, I love to encourage when I see talent. I love to encourage, because I love the comedians, because this is... Here I go.

Starting point is 01:00:08 I'm drunk, and I'm on... I'm drunk as fuck, and I'm on the mushrooms. I started doing... I started doing the mushrooms, and it's really helping, and tomorrow I'm going to the ketamine clinic. Whoo! It's gonna be so good. I'm gonna be over the depression

Starting point is 01:00:34 of the anti-Semitism running fucking wild. I'm gonna deal with it. You know, I'm gonna be able to deal with it. Ha-ha-ha. I'm gonna be able to deal with it. I on this show. I'm gonna be able to deal with it. I heard ketamine fixes everything. Almost everything, Fiona. I hope so.

Starting point is 01:00:51 We need help. But there's too much hate, you know? And the thing is, here's my Jewish grandmother blessing on you, my child. Wait, did you just take coins out of her pocket? What kind of Jewish blessing is that? That's a stereotype right there. Ba-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.

Starting point is 01:01:13 All right, all right. Goddamn, what a great fucking drummer! What a great fucking drummer! What a band! What a fucking great band! I have blown them all, I mean heard them all, and this band is great. Y'all are great. I love you. But I just want to say, I think you are just so great.

Starting point is 01:01:43 Everyone loves you. Everyone loves you. Everyone loves you. You are the essence of what makes a comedian to dig... Stop laughing or I'll slap your fucking face. I'm being you know, I didn't start the Ketamine. That's when you get nice, they say. I'll be able to get nice. That would be so cool.

Starting point is 01:02:17 But you are the essence of a comedian, a great one, because you know why? You go down into that fucking pain. She can't go up. You go... I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Did she just kick you? No, I'm reading the room.

Starting point is 01:02:40 I'm sorry, ma'am. You're making me want to go off on your fat ass in about one minute. Don't interrupt when I'm praising people. And I praised you so shut up. Because you are great. But you are the essence of what makes a great comedian. You're not afraid to dig down in that fucking well of pain that I'm sure you've lived with.

Starting point is 01:03:11 Am I right? You lived through it, and you turned it into something of joy and beauty. God love you, baby. You're gonna be a star! Boom. -♪'re so funny. Your jokes are well written. Your premises are fantastic.

Starting point is 01:03:34 You're brave, you're beautiful, and you're funny as shit, and I love you. Roseanne Barr with a little fucking wisdom. The Queen Bee. Make some noise for Texas' own Roseanne Barr. Whoo! Whoo! That's right.

Starting point is 01:03:53 Yeah, what the fuck is right, Fiona? I'm gonna cry. That's okay. Just don't get your tears on your joystick. I don't want you to fly into the audience. No stage diving here tonight. I don't want that thing to fucking short circuit. Uh, Fiona, you just got your flowers

Starting point is 01:04:15 from one of the all-time GOATS Roseanne Barr. You had an amazing set. Sam, anything else? No, I thought you were talking about me, but yes. Also, Roseanne seems to have taken a liking, so that's good. That's true. Yeah. Where's Roseanne's chair? What do you mean?

Starting point is 01:04:31 Her wheelchair. Oh, oh no. She's good. Fully operational. 72 years old. Killing it. On mushrooms. Drunk as a skunk.

Starting point is 01:04:40 Hilarious. Cool as fuck. We love Roseanne. Denver we love Roseanne. Uh... Denver legend, Roseanne. Absolutely. And Fiona, you, too, are now an Austin legend. Welcome to Austin, Texas. Enjoy the rest of your week.

Starting point is 01:04:53 You're on The Secret Show. You're doing it. We love you. It's time to back that ass up. Fiona Colley, ladies and gentlemen, follower on social media, F-I-O-N-A, C-A-U-L-E-Y, Colley, ladies and gentlemen, follower on social media, F-I-O-N-A, C-A-U-L-E-Y, Colley, C-A-U-L-E-Y. One more time for Fiona. You can run into him. He's blind. It's okay.

Starting point is 01:05:15 It's all good. He's blind. It's all right. He's fine. Oh, Red Band. Red Band. Red Band, you're out of control tonight. Jesus Christ. Two freshly cracked eggs, any way you like them. Three strips of naturally smoked bacon and a side of toast. Only $6 at A&W's in Ontario.

Starting point is 01:05:44 Experience A&W's classic breakfast on Now, dine in only until 11 a.m. Okay. Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for a legend, one of our esteemed regulars, one of the best ever in the show's history. Make some noise for one of your favorites, the one, the only, Cam Motherfucking Patterson. -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah beating bitches. So, listen, I know y'all seen that Diddy shit.

Starting point is 01:06:25 Diddy was hitting that girl in that elevator. You seen it? You see it? Fuck you, then. Nigga, it's not for you. If you did see it, though, Diddy beat a bitch, and a long time ago, and my auntie a thug, my auntie a real street nigga, and she sent me the video, and she was like, Hey, fuck, nigga, you becoming somebody in life,

Starting point is 01:06:43 don't be beating hoes. Dot, dot, fuck, nigga, you becoming somebody in life, don't be beating hoes. Dot, dot, dot on camera. What kind of fucking backwards-ass advice is that, though? And I'm gonna be like, oh, shit. Oh, never mind. Come over here real quick, bitch. That's crazy, bro. The crazy thing about the Diddy thing to me is, like, I was always taught in my life, I don't...

Starting point is 01:07:04 Listen, look at me. I do not think hitting women is cool. It's not dope, you shouldn't do it. I was taught in my life, if you're gonna be good at something, be the best at it. And that nigga did it pretty fucking good at bitch beating. Listen, I've been trying to tuck a towel my whole life. I've been trying to tuck a towel my whole life. I can never tuck a towel and walk one step.

Starting point is 01:07:24 This nigga tucked a towel around a fucking hallway... and then kicked it with full velocity without the towel untucked. Listen, if I had to rate him like he was a diver, like he was a professional diver, I'd give him a nine. You feel what I'm saying? All right, that's it. Thank y'all so much. -♪ Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay.

Starting point is 01:07:45 I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay.

Starting point is 01:07:52 I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay.

Starting point is 01:07:59 I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I think he's exploring. Nah, that n***a. First of all, it'll be like, I wanna do some gay shit, but I'ma suck a dick first. It's crazy.

Starting point is 01:08:06 Right? No. What do you do? Nothin'. None of that. The moment maker, Cam Patterson. Hard at work. Even though I do love gay people.

Starting point is 01:08:16 Hell yeah. Hell yo, man. Keeping the gays on your side. You gotta say it. You gotta tell them that. I love y'all n****s. Man, real shit. Cam's running out of time.

Starting point is 01:08:24 I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna go. I'm gonna yeah. Hell yeah, man. Keeping the gays on your side. You gotta say it. You gotta tell them that. I love y'all niggas, man. Real shit. Cam's running for president of the NAACP. I love it. You really don't know how to tuck a towel? Hell no.

Starting point is 01:08:32 I never learned. That is so interesting. You know how to tuck a towel real good? Yeah, man. That's Beast Beeline 101. You gotta learn how to do that. I got a towel. I don't know what you guys are talking about.

Starting point is 01:08:40 Talking about the wrapping. You wrap a towel around you and then you yank it a couple times and then you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take the towel and you take do that. I got a towel. I don't know what you guys are talking about. Talking about the rap bang, you wrap a towel around you and then you yank it a couple times and then you take the one part and you put it over. I can't do that because the-

Starting point is 01:08:52 Things you can't do with the size of your wings. Yes, thank you, yes. You'd need a beach towel perhaps. A paper towel. Yeah, I can't do it. It's one of the things I can't do. Wow. So to see him be the bitch.

Starting point is 01:09:00 It was- And that shit never untucked. I was like, this nigga not good. Not a good guy. I'm like, I'm not a good guy. I'm not the bitch... And that shit never untucked, I was like, this shit nigga not good, not a good guy, but pretty goaded, bro. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:09:12 It sounds like it was inspirational to you. I don't hit women. I would never hit a woman in my life. Mm-mm, mm-mm. I hit that bitch, but never... Yeah. She just talking too much. Any other bitch I had never hit.

Starting point is 01:09:28 I never had no... Been annoying all night. There's like a random kitty cat in the back of the room. Meh! That bitch is terrible. Yeah, the worst. Somebody should beat that bitch, but not me. That's true.

Starting point is 01:09:40 Not Cam Patterson. Mm-mm. With the drummer going out of control over here. Cam, how's life been? What's been shaking? We just got back from a crazy couple weeks in Los Angeles. What else? I went to Vegas for the first time.

Starting point is 01:09:56 Ooh. I almost bought some pussy for the first time. Oh. Yeah. I don't buy pussy. Pussy, I don't pay for it. I'm a real thug, so you can't buy pussy in where I'm from, you feel what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:10:07 But I almost did it. But then it got like, the thing that stopped me from doing it was I walked outside in Vegas and it was like morning, and then I was like, nah, I can't buy no pussy in the morning, that's crazy. You can't buy pussy at 6 a.m. You gotta buy pussy at night. That's why you can't buy pussy.

Starting point is 01:10:23 It's not a sunrise activity. Yeah, that's some fucked up shit. 4 p.m. You gotta do, buy pussy at night. That's what you buy pussy. It's not a sunrise activity. Yeah, that's some fucked up shit. 4 p.m. is the best pussy you can buy. Huh? 4 p.m. is the best pussy you can buy. It's fresh. You know, you get that 6 a.m. one. Redman, you fucking scare me sometimes.

Starting point is 01:10:35 You put real fear in my heart. Some things I be like, Redman is gonna kill somebody one day. I swear to God. I love you though, nigga. He loves you, N-word. I swear to God, I love you though, nigga. He loves you, and we're just... I was just kidding. I was just kidding. I was just kidding.

Starting point is 01:10:48 I was just kidding. I was just kidding. So you did, but what made you want to buy pussy first? Man, I just seen the bitch and I was like, I'll pay for that. And then you're like, no. Yeah, I walked outside, I was like, never mind, bitch. Right.

Starting point is 01:11:01 That's crazy. So you're a gentleman. I'm a good guy, man, you feel what I'm saying? Buy I'm putting this, it don't make no sense to me, bro. I've also like, I've fucked a lot of strippers in my life. So like, like seeing the stripper that I be fucking and her getting money from another nigga, it's like, made me feel happy. Like you paying to see this bitch dance. I'm gonna fuck her for free.

Starting point is 01:11:19 You get what I'm saying, right? Lame ass nigga. We live very different lives, you and I. It's nice. That's why you got to stay friends with the young generation, because they keep you fresh. Oh, man, we like that. You know I'm with the movement. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hell, yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:35 The whole scene, man. Oh, yeah. All right. Amazing, Cam. Oh, yeah. Amazing, Cam. What else is going on in your world? Anything else fun happening? Man, them fucknigga's on Reddit got me. They got on my head for a second.

Starting point is 01:11:55 Why? What? They said I had stolen a joke. Yeah, you seen that shit? And I saw the joke. It was close, I'll tell you that. I mean, that happens. I'm like, oh, shit. Wait a minute, brother. Oh, fuck. Literally only so many premises out there. It can be close. That happens.

Starting point is 01:12:13 Yeah, but I talked to a buddy. We talked it out. Nigger name was Avarza or some shit. He like an Indian nigger. Yeah, yeah. We were here, Indian nigger. You're gonna say all the fun words. What?

Starting point is 01:12:22 You. You can say Indian. Oh, no. You can say Indian. No, no. You can say Indian as long as you want to. Say it. Do it real quick. Indian. Indian. Nigga. There you go. Some teamwork there.

Starting point is 01:12:35 Interesting. Yeah. So what else? What else is going on? What else? I went back to my friend's reunion for a second. That was pretty cool. Other than that, nigga, you know what I'm saying What else? I went back to my family reunion for a second. That was pretty cool. Other than that, nigga, you know what I'm saying? Same shit. You went to a family reunion?

Starting point is 01:12:48 Yeah. Where's the Airbrush T-shirt? Hey, nah! Hey, nah! Real shit, though. I think my family going broke, man. Like, I went back, and usually we got, now, real shit, though. I think my family going broke, man. Like, I went back, and usually we got, like, a T-shirt. Every year we all go. We always have a T-shirt.

Starting point is 01:13:11 And this shit, that was like the thing for this year, is bring, like, an old T-shirt. And I'm like, nigga, why? We can't make no new ones, nigga. You know what I'm saying? I think we losing our money or something. You're just all wearing the in memoriums from last year? Yeah. Yeah. T-Ray would have wanted this.

Starting point is 01:13:27 He loved cornhole. What do you guys do at your family reunion? What exactly takes place? Hey, shit, really, I hang out with all my cousins. I can't see that much. Oh, I took my cousin to a rave, but that was cool. A rave? So I went back home.

Starting point is 01:13:44 I did a show with a play called, that was cool. Hell yeah. So I went back home, I did a show with a play called Coastal Grader, and then that same night they were like, hey, by the way, we having a rave, you wanna come back? And all my cousins were like, thugs. I was like, this is gonna be very interesting to see. So it was a social experiment.

Starting point is 01:13:56 Yeah, really it was. You were like Darwin. Yeah, I was doing this shit for comedic purposes. I was like, I wanna see these niggas behave in a rave. And then at first it was like really weird cause they was like, I don't like it, the smell in here. That's what it really upset about. And then we just got drunk and they was just dancing

Starting point is 01:14:11 and having a good time like everybody else was. It was cool. Black guys do smell very good. Yeah, we always smell good. No gay shit though. That's a big deal. Smelling good's a big deal. But let's go back to the family reunion.

Starting point is 01:14:23 What kind of food was served? Come on, what you think, son? I just want to hear you say it. No, I don't want to tell you. We had crepes, nigga. Wait, you had fried chicken crepe? No, no! That was the whitest thing I could think of in the moment.

Starting point is 01:14:45 I couldn't think of shit. Very good. Hats off. Priestley, come on. Come on up. We had green bean casserole, nigga. Ooh, okay. I'm lying.

Starting point is 01:14:54 That's y'all. That's what y'all do. I'm just making it sound good for the rest of y'all. You know what I'm saying? Me and the whites, nigga. That's right. The whites love Cam and Cam loves the whites and the gays. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:06 Make some noise for fucking Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. -♪ There he goes, the man, the myth, the legend. On to the next one. Another name out of the bucket. We're gonna meet him all together now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for New Logan, everybody.

Starting point is 01:15:30 60 seconds uninterrupted for New Logan. -♪ How's everybody doing? Real quick, everybody, do a handstand on your head if you're not gay. You're gay! Oh, shit. I guess everybody in here is gay. That's cool. I like gay people, though.

Starting point is 01:15:56 Let me get a round of applause. Who here wants a free NBA jersey? Let me see. Who wants it? Whoever wants it the most, I'll fucking give it to you! Who the fuck wants it? Let's go! Whoo! Keep your hands raised. Let me see. Who wants it? Whoever wants it the most, I'll fucking give it to you. Who the fuck wants it? Let's go! Whoo! Keep your hands raised. Keep them up. Keep them up. Oh, shit. It's a...

Starting point is 01:16:13 It's a Josh Giddy jersey. Oh. You want it? Yeah. Ooh. Boo this guy. He's a pedophile. Boo him! Ooh! Sorry. This is a bad set, y'all. I ran here from my house about five miles away, so that's why I'm all sweaty.

Starting point is 01:16:31 But I'm not too tired. I can't still fuck Roseanne later, so thank y'all. Whoo! Wow. New Logan, step up to that microphone. Let's talk about it. Absolutely fucking terrible. How unfun Step up to that microphone. Let's talk about it. Absolutely fucking terrible.

Starting point is 01:16:49 How unfunny was Old Logan? Old Logan was yesterday, so this is actually the first day of being New Logan. New Logan, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? This is my first try. Your first time out, and you chose here on this show to attempt it. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:06 To see how it goes instead of a room full of people where you could try it out and get a feel for it. Not in front of Sam Talent though. I thought he would really like my Josh Giddy material. You wanted a bomb in front of Sam Talent. Very good. Mission accomplished young man. All right.

Starting point is 01:17:24 No, I mean, that is very brave to come up here on the largest live podcast in the world and eat your own ass. That is... Yeah, if the show was all about bravery, you would be up there with the... You wouldn't even beat the gay Indian guy, actually, but it would be a hell of a run.

Starting point is 01:17:39 Logan, do you work here? Yeah, I do. I work in the box office. I thought I'd try my hand at a little bit of comedy tonight. What made you think that you could possibly do this? What happened exactly to where you're like, I could do that? I thought I could just like come up here and just like show my butthole to everybody.

Starting point is 01:17:57 And, you know, opinions are like buttholes. Everybody's sharing them nowadays. So I didn't. Did you just do a meme? If you've watched, you know how much we hate when people do their first minute here on... Unless they're really naturally talented and efficient at it, and you're none of these things.

Starting point is 01:18:18 Let's try to figure out what actually might be funny about you, Logan. Tell us about your life, your actual life, without trying to be funny, because you're not good at that. This is the position that you put yourself in. You signed up for this. So while the sweat drips from your head,

Starting point is 01:18:32 I'm just going to continue to ask questions like that. So what was your childhood like? Single mom growing up. Uh... This is good. Keep going. You know. Let it out. Just hanging out with friends,

Starting point is 01:18:48 riding my bike around, and then, you know, you become an adult, you don't really have as many great friend groups to hang out with. You know what I mean. So it's trying to get out there and... If you can't be funny, be bleak. That's what I always say.

Starting point is 01:19:05 Yeah. I was hoping someone would come in with, like, the sad music. You were counting on Red Band's sound cue to save that. I mean, I saw the back. You were so bad, you walked Fiona, you know? Yeah. Fiona ran back to Nashville after seeing your set. And, by the way, Tanveer is now straight again.

Starting point is 01:19:27 So you are changing lives here today. It's absolutely incredible. So, New Logan, and you work at the box office here. I'm really good at the ticket stuff. Like, I'm really good at helping people. Who here has gotten a wristband from me before? Thank you. I do a great job out there.

Starting point is 01:19:50 Maybe I should stick to my day job, but. You should for sure stick to that. You definitely have to try things and have courage. What are other things that you've tried? Give us an example of some other things in life that you've tried like this, like a bold maneuver. You tried it. I called out Cam Patterson, raced him in the back alley,

Starting point is 01:20:06 and I'm the fastest at the mothership because of this. You are very, very fast. I remember now. And now nobody else wants to race me, and I'm just kind of like the undefeated champ. It's just awkwardly... So you were engaged in a race war? Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:20:20 That is brave. So, you know, I thought coming up here and calling everybody gay would be brave, you know. Yeah, no one's fucking done that before. Welcome to my minute-by-minute life. Um, so, Logan, most interesting thing about your entire life, before I let you go, anything that you can reference

Starting point is 01:20:45 whatsoever, any special skills or talents other than running fast, which I hope you do immediately after I dismiss you. And obviously graduating from the Weapon X program. Yeah, whatever I do, it's gonna be much different next time, and, uh, yeah, I'm gonna be completely negative of what I just did, so it's gonna be total opposite. How about the question about your entire life?

Starting point is 01:21:07 Most interesting thing that you can reference about you? You ever save anybody's life, almost die, do anything cool, win a competition? Seen the Northern Lights? You're booing the Northern Lights? You're-you're-you're booing the colorful sky? Jesus. Sorry, I'm sorry. Back to the question where you get to reference

Starting point is 01:21:28 your entire life up until this point. I'm a rapper. You're a rapper? Yeah, I'm a rapper. Really? Okay, here we go. And I just wrote a song two days ago. Okay.

Starting point is 01:21:37 Michael, give us a nice light beat. I want to rap it. Can I get my phone real quick from the back? No. You need your phone to rap? All right, never mind. I'm good, I'm good. Can you improvise it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's cool.

Starting point is 01:21:47 All right, Michael, give us a little beat. Shut up, booers. Let's try to find out if he's as good at rapping as he is at time. Stunned at Donnie Lips, man, they look pretty sick, man. How you kiss it off the glass with a lick? It started off, I would dribble at the park as a kid. Now just sit and let me talk, try not to walk with this shit

Starting point is 01:22:05 You see, it ain't about a layup line It's about another state in the mind I see myself, I'm getting buckets in the defense's eyes And I just slice, it's like a piece of the pie Please don't reach, cause I could teach you the time Could make a rhyme for the TikTok or the Vine But instead I made a player tag the lane like I'm a monster Always on the move, you could hack me if you want to. Always slap the motherfucking backboard like LeBron does.

Starting point is 01:22:29 I stay in my bag. All right, all right, all right. And I'm gonna keep staying in my bag. I'll keep, I'll stick to rapping. In honor of being a white rapper, I'm gonna give you an M&M. No joke book for you. There he goes, New Logan, everybody.

Starting point is 01:22:42 New Logan, good morning, buddy. On to the next one we go. Absolutely horrendous. Even white rapping didn't save that guy. My God. At least he's good at selling tickets for other people's shows. It's crazy to work here and see the best comedians

Starting point is 01:22:59 in the world and be like, I can go do that. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. So there you go. Lesson learned, everybody. Yeah. Yeah, it's crazy. So there you go. Lesson learned, everybody. That is how bad it can be. Make some noise for your next comedian.

Starting point is 01:23:10 This guy's been on this show before. Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Whalen, everybody. Tom Whalen. How are we doing, guys? Yes. Stevie Wonder's in the house, guys. Give it up for him. Christ is king!

Starting point is 01:23:29 Okay, that might sound anti-Semitic. I'm not anti-Semitic, okay? I'm actually pro-Semitic, which means I think the Jews run Hollywood, but they're doing a great job, you know? Keep it up, Jews! Could you imagine if the Muslims ran Hollywood? Wouldn't be good. No titties.

Starting point is 01:23:53 Could you imagine if the Catholics ran Hollywood? All little boys. No, I am, I'm Catholic. I'm such a good Catholic, I molested the priest. Fuck that priest. I gave him the priest. Fuck that priest. I gave him the body of Christ, and then I gave him the fucking body of Big T. You guys thinking about a 12-year-old

Starting point is 01:24:12 and me fucking a priest right now? That's okay. That's okay. No, I am a Catholic. I think, you know, the motto for Catholicism should be, sex is a vile act that I love because I'm disgusting. You know?

Starting point is 01:24:27 Wow, there's a newer Logan, everybody. That's absolutely incredible. Was Logan bad, Tony? Yes. Oh, shucks. You thought it was a compliment? Well, Logan's a terrible name, yeah. So, no.

Starting point is 01:24:42 Okay, Tom. So how long have you been doing stand-up? You've been on the show for- I'm eight years. Eight years in, and that's the minute that you just did. I was actually calling the Uber, leaving as my name was called, but no, I mean, you know. Has anyone ever told you you look like

Starting point is 01:24:58 if somebody drowned Mel Gibson? Yeah. No, but- There you go. I'll take that. Someone should drown Mel Gibson. Whoa, why would you? No, I love Mel, guys. Give it up. You love Mel Gibson. I said Christ is King. How could I not love Mel Gibson? You know? Yeah, I've never been jealous of a molested child until right now. It is true. At least they have a

Starting point is 01:25:21 story to tell. No, I wasn't molested. Quite unfortunately. Stolen valor, huh? Yeah. No, I molested the priest. You and I could exchange some tales, I think, some Boy Scout stories, you and I. No, no. No. Two comedians in a row we've got to watch come up dry and their faces are... Come on, Tony!

Starting point is 01:25:43 ...soak in wet. You are profusely sweating. You look red as fuck right now. Are you gonna claim to be Native American? No, I got vitamin D. You get plenty of vitamin D, Tony. Very good. No, I love you, Tony. Hey, Tony, I do love you.

Starting point is 01:25:57 I know I didn't do great tonight, but I want you to know. Guys, give it up for Tony for literally creating one of the best shows ever. I mean that. Give it up for him. There he goes. Tom Whelan, everybody. There he goes. Thank you, Tom. There he goes. Unbelievably. These people are...

Starting point is 01:26:10 You never know when an eight-year comedy vet's going to get addicted to drugs or something. I don't know what's going on there. Your next name is Inside. They signed up. They're one of you. There's an I in parentheses, which means they are inside. You're not gonna believe their name. You remember New Logan, everybody?

Starting point is 01:26:31 This is also a Logan. So even though there was a Logan, and then I did a New Logan joke, I then pulled the name Logan Gut Connect. Oh, my God. Here. Here, just go this way. Just come right on up. Here's Logan, everybody. Oh, shit. Okay. Fuck yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:49 Logan Gutknecht from the very front row, everybody. Another Logan. Whoo! It's great following a retarded black Jack or Jack Black. Sorry. Just came up with that one. Um... So I travel a lot. You have to go through time zones when you travel.

Starting point is 01:27:13 And I don't get time zones. I really don't. Like, London is six hours ahead of New York. Why wouldn't those bastards warn us about 9-11? Why won't they warn us? I think we can all agree slavery's bad. We can all agree slavery's bad, but I don't think that it's the government's position, you know, to force reparations.

Starting point is 01:27:40 It should be a personal thing. It's why all my sugar babies are black. All right. But I love the Bachelor. I don't love being a Bachelor, but I love the Bachelor. But it should be more realistic. More obese people should be on there, so I can see myself in the mirror.

Starting point is 01:28:00 But more obese people should be on the Bachelor. They should call it my 600-pound wife. All right. I can see myself in the mirror. But more obese people should be on The Bachelor. They should call it my 600-pound wife. All right. Okay. Logan gut connect. This crowd was so eager to laugh that he got some chuckles. That was good. It wasn't good. I've also been staring at you for the last hour and a half.

Starting point is 01:28:20 I know, yeah. Then you got up here and you spilt my damn water right on my balls and dick. Yeah, it's great sitting next to the sticky... Both of them, Logan, both? Hey, man, it's great sitting next to the sticky bandits. Okay. Sorry, home alone joke.

Starting point is 01:28:36 No, no, it's okay. It's just do a reference from the last 25 years. That's all. Logan, is this your first time trying stand-up? It is, Tony. It is. Is this something that you've always looked forward to, that you've wanted to do? Yeah, I just never had the courage to do it.

Starting point is 01:28:51 How old are you? I'm 26. What do you do for work? A software engineer for a satellite company. And you work here in Austin, Texas? No, I'm from Seattle. Yeah, I flew in on Friday. You flew here on Friday.

Starting point is 01:29:01 Yeah. What did you fly to Austin, Texas for? This actually. My brother and I got tickets. He's like, don't bring me into this. Yeah. He's scared shitless. Yeah. Did you sign up, too? Don't pull my name.

Starting point is 01:29:14 Don't pull my name, he says. Did you sign up? He did sign up, yeah. You did? What's your name? Thank you. Ethan, why don't you come up here and do a thing? Oh! The Seattle brothers.

Starting point is 01:29:24 Come on up. It's okay. Just take a big step. There you go. Whoa, you didn't you come up here and do a bit? Oh! The Seattle brothers. Come on up. It's okay. Just take a big step. There you go. Whoa, you didn't spill my water. Cool. It doesn't run in the family. Here it is. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ethan, everybody! Man, I'm happy I'm following him and not the Make-A-Wish event that would happen here earlier. Or, you know, New Logan. But anyway, obviously I'm following him and not the make-a-wish event that would happen here earlier or, you know,

Starting point is 01:29:45 new Logan. But anyway, obviously I'm visiting. So, you know, Logan and I have done a bunch of things. We went paddle boarding and on the Uber ride back to our hostel, our Uber driver told us that there is brain-eating amoeba in, you know, Lady Bird Lake, as we were there, sitting there, soaking wet in their backseat of our Toyota Corolla. Yeah. But that's not the craziest part. We got out of the Uber, and right here on East 6th Street, I saw a cop arrest a homeless deaf dude. Yeah. It's crazy. It was wild.

Starting point is 01:30:22 Took the words right out of his mouth with bare handcuffs. Two handcuffs. It was a bigger dude. I thought about bringing him here and introducing him to D. Madness. Maybe they could, like, you know, do small talk with three senses, you know? All right, guys. All right. This was a... This was a bad idea on my part. Here's a couple little joke books. There you go. Congratulations. You can go home now. I'm gonna go home now. I'm gonna go home now. This was a bad idea on my part. Here's a couple little joke books.

Starting point is 01:30:46 There you go. Congratulations. You guys did anything crazy about your life, Ethan, that we should know about? Anything actually real? No, I'm trying to take more risks, so that's why I signed up. What's the riskiest thing you've ever done before this? Oh, well. In your entire life? You should have stopped it, you know, before this.

Starting point is 01:31:03 Just answer the fucking question, Ethan. Quit trying to riff. Yeah. Master improviser, Ethan. Go ahead, Ethan. I mean, I've moved to a new city, and you know, for me, that's a big thing. Where would you move to?

Starting point is 01:31:20 I moved from Cleveland to Charleston, South Carolina. What made you move from Cleveland to Charleston? Um, I don't know. I wanted something new, you know? I grew up in Cleveland, so, like, you know, I feel like something new that... I want something new, too. Yeah. There they go. Ethan and Logan, everybody. The brothers.

Starting point is 01:31:44 Okey-dokey. This is a dry spell. We are in a true dry spell right now. Yeah. Ever since Cam Patterson was up here, we have, uh... it has been drier than Tanveer's mouth when he was with his wife.

Starting point is 01:32:02 But it ain't dry no mouth. That guy gave up his family to suck strangers' dicks. Yeah. And that's the... Oh, here they are. Oh, they're back. Oh, they got gel blasters. There you go.

Starting point is 01:32:15 It sucks they have to sit in front of us now. Yep. Now you guys just have to sit right there the whole time. It's the walk of shame. And think about what you guys did. Too bad it doesn't come with real bullets, huh guys? Yes. It's true. Can they turn their chairs around, baby?

Starting point is 01:32:34 In this case, I wish they did. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Let's see if we could break the dry spell with the comedy stylings of Jacob Jones, everybody. Jacob Jones. We're coming around the corner. Hey, happy to be here, everybody. Guys, I've been watching a lot of documentaries recently. I just recently watched Planet Earth, a great documentary. I learned in Planet Earth that dolphins have sex

Starting point is 01:33:06 for pleasure, did you guys know this? Dolphins have sex for fun. When I heard that I was like, oh fuck, there has to be a couple of dolphins out there that had sex with other dolphins that they're just not too proud of, you know? Like there's just a dolphin out in the Pacific right now and he's just like, ugh.

Starting point is 01:33:25 I can't believe I fucked. Eee! Eee! Last night. Ugh, I can't believe I choked her with that McFlurry cup that was floating by, you know, just like right on her fucking bottle nose. Put some fucking trash in her blowhole, you know?

Starting point is 01:33:46 That's what they're into, dude. They're a bunch of freaks, you know? That's literally why I pollute. I'm just... Thank you. Jacob Jones, look at you. All right. Finally, a breath of fresh air.

Starting point is 01:34:02 Thank you, thank you. Hello, thank you for wearing your best pajamas out tonight. Thank you. I heard Sam Talon was on the show, so I just needed to wear shorts. I wear shorts, he wasn't being nasty. He hasn't earned the right after 20 years in stand-up to wear shorts, but you know, it looks good.

Starting point is 01:34:20 How long have you been doing stand-up, Jacob? For about five years. Five years. Where at? Denver, actually. Whoa! You know this guy? I've never heard or seen this man before.

Starting point is 01:34:32 We've been on one show together, but that's fine. Really? Yeah, yeah. Who did I owe a favor to? It was during COVID. It was one of those like hell outside gigs. It was like in a parking lot. You know what you probably don't remember.

Starting point is 01:34:45 No. I was huffing a lot of gas during COVID. Yeah, I think we paid you, like, $100. It was bad. Who? I think you. Who's we? It was my friends. We, like, produced a... Name names.

Starting point is 01:35:00 Josh Emerson. Where was the parking lot? Maybe if you narrow it down to describe the parking lot, Sam would remember because he hasn't performed in many parking lots. Right. I don't even remember what park... I usually sell grilled cheese sandwiches in parking lots, but when I was following the dead around.

Starting point is 01:35:16 Yeah, yeah. You did well. Of course I did. Yeah. I mean, what are we talking about here? I love it. He's trying to reverse the Polars. You did good, Sam. I really like what are we talking about here? I love it. He's trying to reverse the Polars. You did good, Sam. I really like your setups and your punchline. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very definitive material, really, on your brand with you.

Starting point is 01:35:33 It was very good. He's about to offer you a spot on the Secret Parking Lot show. Whoa. We do have an extra spot if you need one. No, no. Yeah. Jacob, what do you do for a living? Climbing. Is it a climbing wall? Huh? Are you a climbing wall guy? No, no, no, no. Yeah. Jacob, what do you do for a living? Climbing, is it a climbing wall? Huh?

Starting point is 01:35:46 Are you a climbing wall guy? No, no, no, no. I actually, I live in a van, and I travel the United States. And I also sell hats and pins at music festivals for money. See, really, he is following in your footsteps. This is incredible. Wearing shorts, doing bad shows in Denver.

Starting point is 01:36:04 Yep, yep. Making business moves in parking lots. This is incredible. Wearing shorts, doing bad shows in Denver. Yep, yep. Making business moves in parking lots. Yep. Sleeping in vehicles. Sleeping in vehicles and selling pins to people on drugs. Yes. What type of music festivals are you going to?

Starting point is 01:36:17 Like electronic music festivals. You do a lot of drugs? No, I just swindle people on drugs. Interesting. You make a good living doing that? Yeah, it's pretty lucrative, actually. It allows me to stay on the road, and I can just do a couple music festivals every summer, and I don't have to work a regular job.

Starting point is 01:36:36 Where's your van parked? It's on, like, 15th and Lavava. And it's full of... Lavava? I don't know what the fucking... what the street is called. There's something along those lines. There's a bunch of cash in there right now, I bet.

Starting point is 01:36:48 There's a... Yeah, there's a couple hundred. Fifteenth and a Lavabar, everyone. Fuck, I did just say that. Yeah. Yeah, you did. Yeah. The student has not become the teacher. Not yet. Not yet. What else do you do, Jacob?

Starting point is 01:37:03 Any special skills or talents other than comedy? Yeah, well, as I'm traveling the United States, I'm actually doing a little docuseries where I interview people all across the country, and I ask them what they think the future of the United States looks like. Wow, you're going to get dozens of views. That's what's happening right now.

Starting point is 01:37:22 Yeah. That is amazing. What's the best answer you've gotten? A lot of people are very pessimistic. A lot of people think that there's going to be another civil war. And that's not... The whole point of the video project is to find common ground, actually. As lame as that sounds.

Starting point is 01:37:40 Yes. So you're aware that it sounds incredibly stupid. It's very unfunny and lame, but it's what I want to do. Sorry? Uh, are you able to, uh... Are you able to, uh... Hold on. Yeah?

Starting point is 01:37:52 You are going through it right now, brother. Oh, yeah. This is insane. Ha ha ha ha. That could have been you. Yes. You could have been our new friend, this guy. That's true. Instead, you're our new friend, this guy. That's true.

Starting point is 01:38:05 Instead, you're selling software in Seattle. Yeah. Yes. So, uh... You do have a good voice, though. Oh, thank you. You sound like, like, almost like a reporter or something like that.

Starting point is 01:38:20 That could be a secondary career choice, honestly. Rather than selling pins at music festivals? Yeah, or comedy. My options are open right now. No, no, no, it's selling pits. What's your love life like? You able to get a lot of girls back to your van? Uh, which one of my friends have you fucked?

Starting point is 01:38:38 Takes a lot of convincing, but it's happened before. How do you do it? What kind of convincing? It's, okay, if you... Get in the van or I'll shoot? Yeah. The verb convincing is not probably the appropriate term, but, you know, asking. Drugging and tying up.

Starting point is 01:38:54 Drugging, forcing. The hard sell, as we call it. Right, right. Because you're so hard. Because of the power. Right. Right. Because you're becoming God, you know? That does happen.

Starting point is 01:39:07 Yeah, yeah. No, it's happened once. I brought a girl back. We met on Hinge, and it worked out. It happened. We fucked. She just needed a place to stay. She was looking for a miracle, as we say in the business.

Starting point is 01:39:24 Right. All right. The drug addicts responded positively to that. Hell, yeah. How long have you lived in the band? On and off, two years. Okay. So you haven't stood straight up in a home in a long time.

Starting point is 01:39:39 Yeah, no, that's true. My back is already... It's still fucked. Have you stood gay up? That's a good one. I think you said that in the parking lot for the show. I bet you do remember everything I said. Jacob, the set was good enough to get a big joke book after the momentum shift. There he goes. Jacob Jones, everybody.

Starting point is 01:40:02 Thank you. All right, one last bucket pull, and then we're gonna put a ribbon on this thing. Make some noise for your final bucket pull of the night. Michael Scott, ladies and gentlemen. This is 60 seconds from Michael Scott. Oh, it's a different Michael Scott. Here he is.

Starting point is 01:40:18 -♪ One more time for Michael Scott, ladies and gentlemen. Not what you expected. My name is Michael Scott. I'm actually Michael Scott the second. Most of my friends are white because my name is Michael Scott. White bitches love the office. That's pretty much it.

Starting point is 01:40:47 Hey, guys, when I'm at my white friend's house and I got to take a piss, more often than not, I'll just go pee outside. It's not because I'm uncomfortable using the restroom inside their house. It's more like I want the other brothers in the neighborhood to know that he already has a black friend. This is my Kyle.

Starting point is 01:41:15 And I have to mark my territory. Uh, my name is Michael Scott. The only N-word during my set is ne'er-do-well. All right, let's end on that. Okay. You're funny, Michael. All right, Michael. That was good, man. Fuck yeah. You took your time, dude, too.

Starting point is 01:41:40 Thank you. I thought initially I thought you were nervous, but, no, you were building it. No. No. I have unnatural you. Initially, I thought you were nervous, but no, you were building it. No, no. I have unnatural confidence. I am insane. I love it. I love it.

Starting point is 01:41:52 How long you been doing stand-ups? Seven years. Where at? Fresno and Bakersfield. I started in Bakersfield, though. Where do you live now? Here. Since December 30th, I moved here.

Starting point is 01:42:02 Great, congratulations. I think you belong here. I think so belong here. I think so too. You're one of the, you're one of the, you're one of the, when people, when people like you move into the neighborhood, I get excited. Property value goes up. I love it.

Starting point is 01:42:16 One up, a good one. Sets you up. I love it, Michael. Scott. What do you do for a living? I have two jobs. I fix televisions for white people. And I am a valet also for white people.

Starting point is 01:42:32 And you also talk like a white person. Yes. Yes. Nair do well. Yeah. Dude, great job. You exclusively said white people on both of those jobs. If a black person needed their television fixed,

Starting point is 01:42:44 what would you say to them? Well, I work at home. I. If a black person needed their television fixed, what would you say to them? Well, I work at... I'll be a black person, ready? Oh, will you? Oh. All right, my grandma's not gonna like this. All right. Go ahead. Hello.

Starting point is 01:42:57 I need to rectify a situation with my television set. And I, like you, am black. Hello, madam. I actually use they them pronouns. Oh, fuck. That's right. We have that too. In our community. That's fair. We have that too. In our community. Wow, that's fair. As black men.

Starting point is 01:43:27 I thought you... All right, okay. That's fair. Can you fix my television set? I need to watch the Cosby show. Also, yes, yes indeed. Other... What do I have, my friend? Yes.

Starting point is 01:43:40 All right. When you applied for this warranty, did you happen to check the racial box on that? Because your service may be a little bit slower. You got a big laugh from Roseanne up there. I don't know if you heard that. Oh, is she here? Oh yeah, it's a classic laugh. Either that or a hawk is dying on the balcony.

Starting point is 01:44:00 I'm not exactly sure it could be either one, but... A haunted scarecrow may have come to life in the back, yes. All right. Fuck yeah. There it is. I love it. Michael, other than your voice, what do you think's the whitest thing about you? Certainly my dick.

Starting point is 01:44:23 Great answer. Great answer. Great answer. So your dick can get a bank loan? I was wait... I was... Yes. I have a great credit score. I was waiting for one of you guys to say something wrong,

Starting point is 01:44:39 and I was going to strangle you with my dick. Okay. All right. I'm kidding. Okay, what do you think is the blackest thing about you, Michael? My dick. Still my dick. Other than your dick.

Starting point is 01:44:50 Let's take your dick out of this. Shit, I don't know. I was... Yeah. Hey, that was good. He said it's not my shoes. I'm wearing Vans. As a black man, we are not a monolith.

Starting point is 01:45:06 Yeah. No. Okay. Correct? Yes. Yes. Yes and maybe and. I'm glad he's blind.

Starting point is 01:45:24 What's your preferred type? Type? Maybe and. I'm glad he's blind. What's your preferred type? Type? Uh, shit. Any female. You're the right boy. Yeah, I know. I'm looking around.

Starting point is 01:45:40 No type whatsoever, just any female. Redheads probably never heard of redheads. Redheads in wheelchairs perhaps? Oh, oh I did see her. She is looking for someone to fuck her fixed. I will break her horse is. Well, you guys could do drive-bys together. Interesting.

Starting point is 01:46:05 What's the longest set you've ever done? 30. I'd love to have you on the secret show. There you go. Here's a big joke book coming at you, too. You did it. Michael Scott with a great Kill Tony debut. Fucking hilarious.

Starting point is 01:46:19 Michael Scott on the secret show, booked on a real show in Austin, Texas. And that is the end of our bucket pulls. There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen. It's the only way we know how in the whole world. Another comedian that got famous in Denver before coming to Los Angeles and becoming the hall of fame member with the most sets, the most interviews,

Starting point is 01:46:43 absolute record holder for everything, the most laughs ever by a comedian and a microphone here. I present to you the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery, everybody. Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I don't give a fuck, Tony! Iran's president just died in a helicopter crash. The helicopter's mechanic, Ari Greenbaum, said the helicopter must have just run out of gas.

Starting point is 01:47:43 Lizzo recently thanked anti-Israel activists for lifting her up out of her depression, and I'm just trying to imagine, how much did that fucking crane cost? Good news for Red Band's mom. Scientists have developed a new gene therapy that kills 97% of the herpes virus. So it is open season on your nasty mom, dumbass.

Starting point is 01:48:12 Okay, that's my time. Thank you, Tony. I mean, what the hell? What the hell? What can I possibly say? The man who has done it more than anybody else just came out and did the five best jokes of the night back to back to back to back to back to back. That's how you do it, Tony, for anybody watching.

Starting point is 01:48:37 That's how it happens. That is how you... Somebody call Montel Jordan because that is how you do it. Ha ha ha ha ha. It's Monday night and you feel all right, that is how you do it. Damn right. The party's here on the West Side.

Starting point is 01:48:52 Party's here on the West Side. That's right. Ha ha ha ha ha. That is how you do it. William, thank God you were so funny as always, because we needed it tonight, man. Yeah. Been a bit of a bloodbath.

Starting point is 01:49:07 Yeah, I've been watching. Have you? Yeah, I've been watching up there. I've also been cooking with Dr. Pepper, Tony. I think that's honestly what has got me out of my little funk I was in. Yeah, I've realized that if I'm cooking my chicken breast in the crockpot, instead of putting broth or something,

Starting point is 01:49:23 I'm just putting Dr. Pepper in there, and it's making the most delicious chicken. It's making the most delicious pastas. I just put a bunch of rigatoni and some other stuff and a bunch of Dr. Pepper, and it's making the tastiest stuff. Wow. But I'm tee-teeing all the time, Tony,

Starting point is 01:49:40 so I don't know if I'm getting diabetes or something, because it's literally, oh, it's so good. That's... It sounds like what we're talking about. Oh, Red Band, hold on. No, that I think was funny. What was that? It's kind of hard. You kind of stopped it there. He literally pulled up the wrong version

Starting point is 01:49:56 of This Is How You Do It. It is incredible. You would think 11 years of experience. He would be able to pull up the hit song, This Is How You Do It by Montel Jordan, but nope. That was Montel Jordan. Not this guy. It was funny though, when Red Band's version or something.

Starting point is 01:50:14 When Red Band did the, when the sweet girl, hilarious girl in the wheelchair was going back, when Red Band had the part, the thing going off, that was hilarious, Red Band. That was good. I'll give you that. You guys remember that? From Mickey Williams. From 55 minutes ago, you guys hilarious, Red Band. That was good. Red Band. I'll give you that. That was really funny. Thank you, William.

Starting point is 01:50:26 55 minutes ago, you guys remember when Red Band was funny? Yeah, it was really funny, Red Band. I got to give you that one. That was really good. I've also cooked with Dr. Pepper. You're not wrong. That shit's amazing. Yeah. And you could also try root beer, too. Yeah. Root beer?

Starting point is 01:50:39 Well, I don't really like root beer. No. Oh, how does... So maybe that's a bad idea, but thanks for telling me about it. But seriously, that's probably a bad idea, because I just kind of hate it. I love Dr. Pepper, but I kind of can't stand root beer.

Starting point is 01:50:53 But thanks, Red Van. You're real sweet. I appreciate when you give me these insights for food stuff, you fat ass, you nasty piece of shit. You think I really want to fucking put root beer in my fucking chicken piccata, you fucking idiot? How's the cancer? There you go, the momentum killer, Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:51:12 Anytime there's too much laughter, he comes in and snuffs it out. Well, I did try to go to the dermatologist. Well, I called up, and I didn't have my debit card. I had my debit card to put a deposit on or something. Is your dermatologist named Dr. Pepper? Yeah. How does root beer make you feel?

Starting point is 01:51:33 Oh, root beer? Yeah. Oh, my gosh. It's like when I'm walking down my stairs, the escalator's almost up at the apartment, and I'm having to walk down the stairs again. And it's been just so hot, Tony, and I've been slipping on the... Oh, okay.

Starting point is 01:51:49 Yeah, it's really hard. There you go. Now, William, we know from many appearances on the show for both of you that you and Sam are extremely close. You guys did stand up in Denver, which is a theme tonight. Yes. The Great Roseanne Bar, one of the greatest ever starred in Denver, Sam Talon, William Montgomery.

Starting point is 01:52:09 Yeah. The other guy, Jake, I think. Yeah, Jake. Who bragged about paying me $100 during a pandemic. Oh, yeah. Jacob Jones. Yeah. Now, you were telling me that your brother

Starting point is 01:52:20 started working at the club. Yes, Selden. He's working here now. He's a door guy. And I actually just heard from somebody earlier, he's been doing stuff outside and he's not wearing sunscreen or a hat. He's got to start doing that because he doesn't want to start dealing with this cancer. But to answer your question, Rebbe, and yeah, I didn't go. I know I've got it on my nose, but I haven't gone yet. I didn't have my fucking debit card. I need to call back. That was

Starting point is 01:52:38 two weeks ago. It's probably only getting bigger. It's probably getting stronger, I need to really nip it in the butt. I mean, I feel it right now, so. Your brother, Selden, a little fun fact about him is that he still drinks. And I remember you when you were drinking. Me too, brother. It was wild. It was a bit of a problem. It indeed. I mean, there is nobody that beat the video game

Starting point is 01:53:07 of partying quite like William Montgomery. I remember during the pandemic, you were climbing a tree during one of your appearances, trashed. We've been through a great many lives together. Many, many, many moons together. Your brother is wild. He is exactly like you.

Starting point is 01:53:27 Strangely, of course, for the diehard fans, you might know that the Montgomery's, the parents, have been on panel before, two of literally of the greatest guests of all time. Very wholesome, but hilariously you. Like, it's very weird how much, especially your father. You guys are all alike. You all have the same sense. Sweet papa your father, you guys are all alike.

Starting point is 01:53:45 You all have the same- Sweet papa. Yeah, you guys all have the same- Oh my gosh, I swear, Tony, I don't know. I've been kind of exhausted. I've been traveling. Thank God it's been going good. It's been so sweet for anybody who's gotten tickets

Starting point is 01:53:55 to come see me, but I actually talked to my dad on the couch yesterday and just started sobbing. You started what? After we got off the phone. Just started sobbing real hard. I haven't had to get sobbing a long time. It's when humans bleed from their eyes, Tony. Oh.

Starting point is 01:54:08 Started sobbing for some reason. Yeah. I don't know why. When did the sobbing happen exactly? Just yesterday. I was just talking to my sweet mom and pop on the phone and it had been a good, successful weekend. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:54:20 You think it's because you're living your dreams? I don't know. Yeah. I couldn't stop crying for a while, but we're better now. Now, have you ever told that great story of that photograph of Seldin back when he was at UT? Oh, yes.

Starting point is 01:54:33 My brother Seldin, at one point, there was a photograph that I see on Facebook, I think it was, where he's in a Moe's Burritos, and he has a full hospital garb on. And I remember posting under the picture, oh, well, at least the youngest Montgomery brother is doing well. And I remember posting under the picture, oh, well, at least the youngest Montgomery brother's doing well. And I guess he ended up dying.

Starting point is 01:54:49 He had gone to the hospital because he died. But they brought him back to life. But yeah, that's the picture. You had to kind of be there. You had to kind of see the picture. I thought it would be a great anecdote. I'm sorry. We cracked up about it.

Starting point is 01:55:03 Yeah, no, it was real funny. I thought that people in the crowd didn't like it. No, no. William and I used to get trashed on, like, whatever jug bottle whiskey you had, and then we would be in my apartment and we would just scream the last page of Blood Meridian at each other.

Starting point is 01:55:18 I remember. That's wonderful. I still read the last paragraph from time to time. It's wonderful. I think of you every time, yeah. I think of you every time. Oh. Wow. Look at that. I really of you every time, yeah. I think of you every time. Oh. Wow.

Starting point is 01:55:27 I really do. Well, you know that these people online think that we aren't friends, that I'm like, mean to you up here? Yeah, I think we can pretty much squash the beef right now. Now, I do owe Theo Vaughn $50,000, but no, I'm kidding, fuck. All those idiots saying, pay Theo.

Starting point is 01:55:42 No, yeah, oh my my gosh Sam and I are very Wonderful buddies Sam and you're gonna stay over tonight and I am Are you staying at Williams? Yeah, but we're not doing much sleeping. Whoa Sam was my first kiss in Denver Sam was honestly my first guess I want those drunken been wet since 2016, dude Got a couple of pink worms, baby. Oh, yeah. Look at those gummies. I love it. William, you had fun in Los Angeles, correct?

Starting point is 01:56:13 Yeah, it was a wonderful time. Stayed at Pauly Shore's haunted fucking house. Tell us what's haunted. Tell us what's haunted about it. Well, I didn't know if it was Pauly or Pauly's brother, but I kept on fucking seeing somebody at night when I was trying to sleep. Somebody was literally walking around

Starting point is 01:56:30 in the place with a camera. And so it might've been Pauly's brother or a ghost. And Pauly's brother's actually here tonight. So it's a little awkward, but I know it was your fucking ass taking picture. No, but it was wonderful, Tony. It was a lot of fun. The shows were great.

Starting point is 01:56:44 It was a lot of fun. Very convenient to the Comedy Store. And actually, Tony. It was a lot of fun. The shows were great. It was a lot of fun. Very convenient to the Comedy Store. And actually, Tony, I was able to go in the handicap bathroom stall at the Comedy Store, and I stood in there for, like, five minutes because it's where I used to do all my cocaine before the Kill Tony shows. So it felt weird, but it was nice to go back

Starting point is 01:56:58 and just take it in. That's probably my best memory of being there. That is all true. Everything he just said is absolutely real. Sometimes it's not real. That is real. William, my sweet, sweet Billy boy, tell us more. Put that tongue away. Where else have you been on the road? Did you go somewhere this week?

Starting point is 01:57:18 Well, I had to be so careful, Tony. All these shows are doing, I'm legitimately losing my voice. It's a real big concern for me, so I've got to figure this out. Like, I'm going Thursday, Friday, Saturday to Wisconsin this coming week. I'm legitimately worried about my voice, so we'll see. I have no idea. Oh, it goes, I'm yelling too much, Tony. I've got to figure it out. The yelling, people laugh, I enjoy it, it's fun, it's going well, but I'm going to have

Starting point is 01:57:38 to figure it out. I mean, I'm yelling too much. What if you whispered? Yeah, you can make a joke if you whispered. What if I whispered? Yeah. Give me an example, Red Band. Oh, I'm never going to stop.

Starting point is 01:57:46 But you have to set it up at the beginning, you know? I'm never going to stop. Wow, Red Band. Okay. Nice to see you, Tony. That was fun. Oh my God. No, I'm not going to stop.

Starting point is 01:57:59 Yeah, but we'll see. So yeah, I've got to figure it out. Have you been drinking hot tea or doing vocal exercises? A ton of exercises. Yeah, I got to figure it out. Have you been drinking hot tea or doing a ton of exercises? Yeah, I actually started taking vocal lessons two weeks ago. Yeah. Can you show us one of the exercises? Me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, me, gentlemen, brought to you by Dr. Pepper, the great and powerful William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:58:28 Thank you to Talkspace Mood Chubbies, of course, our friends over at. Oh, the drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. It's unbelievable of Sam Talent. That's on your screen right now. Sam, what are you plugging tonight? I forgot to ask you. Tell us everything.

Starting point is 01:58:47 I have a podcast called Chubby Behemoth and I have a travel show on YouTube called Wide World. If you could watch it, we just went to Japan and we went to Paris and I'm very proud of it. I love it. SamTalent.com for tickets. Thank you to our friends at Connect Mobile Health. The IV drips have been saving our lives lately as we have been enjoying our hometown of Austin,

Starting point is 01:59:09 Texas. A lot of hot days on the boat. Shout out to our friends over at Ways to Well keeping us super healthy. If, you know, they brought Aaron Rodgers back in full recovery, they make you super human. They do a blood test. Check out Ways Too Well. Thank you to Gel Blaster, of course, the Red Rose, the Yellow Rose, and all of our other friends that make it all possible. One more time for the best damn band in the land, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, Seth One, and The Madness.

Starting point is 01:59:47 Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, little Dr. Phil. Okay. Hell yeah. We love Dr. Phil. Guest of the year, 2023. And we did it again. How about one more time for the great Sam Talent, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 02:00:06 Red Band. I'll be in July, I'll be in San Diego with KC Rock. Is that still not sold out? No, they just released new tickets. Oh my God, wow. AmericanComedyCo.com. Wow, help Red Band fill up the comedy club he's been promoting for months in San Diego, people.

Starting point is 02:00:23 The entire city of San Diego It's a comedy club people buy tickets for Okay, okay, how about one more time for Roseanne Barr, ladies and gentlemen. The first appearance of Fiona Colley, amazing. Thank you. Hans, Cam, William, Madison Square Garden, we just opened up tickets for. So that's the other show. If you want to see Red Band, if you want to see Red Band, you can see them at the Comedy Club in San Diego or Madison Square Garden. New tickets just opened up for night one. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night everybody. Thank you. Uh... So I'm going to to the bathroom. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Starting point is 02:02:57 Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. You you you

KILL TONY - #668 - SAM TALLENT

There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click on any sentence in the transcript to leave a comment.