KILL TONY - #670 - SHANE GILLIS + JAMES MCCANN

Episode Date: July 2, 2024

Shane Gillis, James McCann, William Montgomery, Casey Rocket, Kam Patterson, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Kino Loasis, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban – 06/10/2024 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Go to https://shopify.com/killtony now to grow your business–no matter what stage you’re in. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.TV and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch go to Death Squad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Revan coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new night of their lives, huh?

Welcome everybody. Make some noise for Red Band! Hey! And the best damn band in the land, they are here! Fernando Castillo! Carlos Sosa! Michael Gonzalez! Nachos Belgrandes! Matt Mueling, John Dees, and D Madness, we are back, the full fucking band. Holy shit, Esteban Vallejo. It's so hard to remember these fucking Mexicans' names.

I work with them every week, it's impossible. I swear to God, you try it. Try it without looking. Remember all four of their fucking names, it's impossible. Ha ha ha. It's too much, it's too much. We need something to break the fucking, I don't know. It's just too goddamn much.

Welcome to Kill Tony, everybody. You're here at the number one live podcast in the world, brought to you by Shopify. Everybody, you go to Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. You get a dollar, one dollar for a month long trial period from Shopify. There you go, there you go. Ka-ching.

We have a great show planned for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Indeed, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time all in one place, all on your terms, a red band. Squarespace is so easy to use, Tony.

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American Express. Visit amex.ca slash y amex. Benefits vary by card, other conditions apply. This episode is brought to you by PC Optimum. If you like a curated playlist, why not try a curated grocery list? With Swap and Save, the new feature in the PC Optimum app, you'll get PC Optimum's best price for your grocery items. Simply add products to your shopping list in the app, and it'll show you similar items at a lower cost. Add coffee to your list, then swap it for one that's cheaper. Craving chips?

The app will suggest some on sale. To get started, just open the app. It's as easy as that. See the PC Optimum app for details. You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Huh? You know, every single week I book this show. I pick who sits in these seats and sometimes it's an up-and-coming headlining comedian who we like to introduce to you and sometimes it's some of the biggest comedians on fucking planet Earth. Tonight my friends is both. I am happy to present to you ladies ladies and gentlemen, for the entirety of its show tonight. Your two guests are James McCann and Shane Gillis! Fucking damn right!

Ooh la la! Wow! Wow. You're a goddamn motherfucking right. James McCann, welcome to the show. Thank you for having me. What a joy to be here at the Kill Town Show. He sounds like that. Yeah! Hot dog!

He sounds like that. That's his real voice. He's from Australia. Shane found him in Australia and saved his life. That's dark. He sounds like that, that's his real voice. He's from Australia, Shane found him in Australia and saved his life. That's true, it's not a joke, that's true. He is the host of the James McCann, James, it's the James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan. It is the worst name in podcast history.

We're keeping it small. We don't want too big an audience, you know? I love it. James, welcome. Shane Gillis is back, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you. Thank you. Tires.

On Netflix. Killing it. His specials on Netflix., killing it. His specials on Netflix, killing it. Everything's killing it. We did the Staples Center a couple weeks ago in LA. We had fucking fun. Things are going good. I'm still, you know, depressed.

Yeah. But that's all right, you know, who cares? Right, I don't know. I love it. We're going to have fucking fun tonight. Shane, a veteran guest to the show. You know, who cares? Right, I don't know. I love it. We're gonna have fucking fun tonight. Shane, a veteran guest to the show. James's first time at the big table and James, you might not know, but 221 human beings signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get picked out of this bucket if they get pulled out. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted to do stand up. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. And that interrupts their set. And then I interview them. We find out more about them all together. And that's how the show goes. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Wow. I'm going to pre-pull a name. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah! Oh, wow, wow, wow. I'm going to pre-pool a name

and we're going to wrangle them from the bar across the street. Poor choices. And while that is happening we have a person who's going to get the show started. We have a new rotating opening position. So you never know who's going to open the show. This is this guy's

first time as an official regular on the show. So, he became a legend only a few weeks ago, being the first person to be on the show eight times in one episode. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted from Drew Nickens! He's the true Drew Nickens, he's the true what?

He's the true Drew Nickens, he's the true what? He's the true Drew Nickens, he's the true what? He's the true Drew Nickens, he's the true what? He's the true Drew Nickens, he's the true what? I haven't been on a date in two years. The last time I went on a date was to the movie Sing To. Now I was so excited, but I didn't want to be a pedophile, so I brought someone with me.

Now I was so excited, we shotgun red bulls in a parking lot. I go to the ticket office, and I'm like, Tooth for Sing To! And I'm so excited. And then I realize there's people smiling, there's people telling my date, thank you. And I realized they think that's my special needs chaperone. They just cut any chance of me getting a kiss on the cheek.

So I owned it. I got a free sticker. I got a sipping cup. You know, I was happy. They can't tell a retarded guy not to talk during the movies! Oh my God! The gorillas are back! Yes!

Thank y'all so much, that's been my time. Exactly one minute. I love this scene. You guys gave him his own theme song? I love it. Shane, this is your first time seeing Drew Nickens. Yes. Yeah. That was...

I mean, that was great. Really, the energy backstage was... This isn't an act. We were standing back there, he was like, Let's fucking go! It's like fucking D-Day back there. Yeah. You're a lucky man, too. We were staring back there, he was like, let's fucking go! I was like, it's like fucking D-Day back there. You're a lucky man too.

Often when people get the brain damage, they become sad and unusual, but you've got like just joy. You only see me for two hours, don't worry. We can get grotesques later, Shane. Hell yeah, there you go. I've been on the chaperoneques later, Shane. Hell yeah. There you go. I've been on the chaperone date myself, dude. Hell yeah, right? Very relatable stuff.

You don't get a handy. You do not get a handy. No, everyone's going to think they're jacking off, you know? Drew Nickens blasting off with a brand new minute. How does it feel? How's life going for you? So last week, Mr. Tony, you didn't tell me that I was going to be a rotating regular. So I'm at the curtain and you said that.

I was like, please don't cry before you do your minute. So everything has been so amazing. Everybody has been so gracious and kind. It's so awesome to be here. Thank you guys so much. It has been a mind blowing experience. That's right. How do you guys feel about the set? Because you guys got fucking drenched. Yeah. They were. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. They were in the splash zone for sure.

I mean. Gallagher's back. I love it. Y'all need some ponchos maybe next time. Yeah. I think poncho's one of the horn players. I love it. So Drew, life is good.

Very exciting stuff. Any chicks and fucking knocking at the door yet? Any chicks sliding on the DMs or anything? No, go ahead. I got titties in my DMs for the first time everybody. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Don't know if they were real, but I'll take them. Yeah. Yeah, you don't, they don't need to be real. There's nothing natural about you. Why should the tits be real? I love it, Drew. Have you treated yourself with anything on all this great news that's happening?

You're gonna be no doubt a ticket-selling superstar. Everything's happening all at once for you. I got underwear at Ross! You got underwear? Yeah! I'm wearing them, but I won't show you guys. Well, I mean, what's the band look like? Let's see the band. Oh, Jesus Christ. Oh, my's made of pubic hair ladies and gentlemen. There's pubes everywhere.

I've never seen pubes start above a belly button before. So when I got my appendix out about a year and a half ago. I didn't realize that you got a shave before that. So I woke up, and they shaved my pubes, and it was really hot nurses. So I was like, good lord. Did you get hard? Yeah. That was a lot, yeah. Mostly views.

Like a scarecrow. Filled with views. Coming out of your sleep. Drew, you are the real fucking deal. I'm so excited to have you in the rotation. You're a fucking, you're a saint. I love you. You might be one of the most goddamn likeable human beings in the rotation. You're a fucking, you're a saint. I love you. You might be one of the most goddamn likable human beings

in the history of this show. Welcome to the Kill Tony family. You got it started tonight. Thank you for having me on. Drew Nickens, everybody. I pull another name, we wrangle them. And now to the bucket, ladies and gentlemen. Now, as you may know,

this is where shit gets a little fucking crazy This could be this is where we found all of our regulars every golden ticket winner That's ever happened they all come out of the bucket also the craziest people that have ever been on the show Some people don't prepare some people have waited a decade for this some people just started two weeks ago Some people are good some people are bad We're gonna meet it all together all at once your first comedian in uninterrupted 60 seconds tonight, going to Lucas Cop, everyone. Lucas Cop. Let me open by saying I'm different than any comic you've ever seen. I'm different than

any comic you'll see tonight because I am not suicidal. I'm not. Don't get me wrong, though. I feel the same way when I touch a gun as I do when I touch a titty. I want it in my mouth. I'm joking. I would never shoot myself. I would never shoot myself. But I would go hunting in my furry costume. Like, I wouldn't jump into a car compactor

and let it slowly squeeze the life out of me, but I would go to a Travis Scott concert. I would be happy to be there. Did you guys know Dr. Seuss used to emotionally abuse his wife? Isn't that kind of funny? If you're going to be emotionally abused by anybody, that's the guy, you know? Red fish, blue fish, you've been gaining weight, bitch.

You look terrible. Horton, here's a who, and every day I have to hear you. Every day. This is getting ridiculous. I am different than other comics, though. Like, I had a good childhood. A lot of comics didn't. A lot of them were tied to radiators and shit. Not me. Not me.

I had a good stepdad. My stepdad was actually the first person to get me into sports. Like, he taught me and my mom how to box. She sucked, though. Thank you, guys. Yes and my mom how to box. She sucked though. Thank you guys. Yes. All right, Lucas Cop.

Coming out guns ablaze and... Fuck yeah, Lucas. How long you been doing stand-up? About four years now. Four years. Where you from? Portland. Portland, Oregon. And you still live there? Yeah, I want to go.

I want to leave eventually. It's kind of on fire. Yeah, no doubt, we know. You're the only guy in Portland that's not suicidal. No. According to you. No, took a lot of time. Absolutely, what do you do for work? I'm a longshoreman, I work on the docks.

Okay. Dock worker. Okay, what do you do on the docks? I kinda drive a big truck, they load the boxes on it. You drive a truck? I drive a truck. Right, yep, absolutely. Okay, a truck. I drive a truck. Right. Yep. Absolutely. Yeah. Okay. Very good. James? I love that you went with the Dr. Seuss gear, delight in friendly stuff after the suicidal thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's like trying to finger somebody after you've had

a whole watermelon up there. You can. I'm trying to work on that. I like to put the watermelon in, you know. Yeah, but it's a lot. It is a lot. But I'll pray for you. Thank you. You're welcome. Thank you, thank you, man. I was just in Portland. That was the weirdest city I've been to in America. How'd it go? How were our crackheads? So many gay homeless people. Yeah. Yeah. You've just, they've fused, the gay and the homeless. How do you know they're gay? Man, I saw a man sashaying across the park with a club. They probably thought we were gay. It was me and James.

That homeless guy was probably like, it was too fucking gay. That's why he didn't attack us. Yeah, yeah. We were going to a bookstore. That is gay. Since being in Austin, my friend made a joke about reading, and someone heckled me.

He said, you read books? Faggot! That was my first experience in this city. I love it. That's pretty funny. Yeah, it's a good town. So you live in Portland. You've lived there your whole life.

Yeah, 24, 25 years. And you're wearing a Dallas t-shirt and a Los Angeles hat. I went to, look, I'm a confused guy. I might be gay too, I don't know. I know how you feel. Yeah. I've be gay too. I don't know. I know how you feel. Yeah. I've been through a lot.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha. Shut the fuck up. All right. He's not gay. Not gay. Not gay. Oh, you're doing a reverse thing tonight. I'm being nice. Oh my goodness. He's not gay, dude.

This is my lawyer, Shane Gillis. Gillis and Gillis, attorneys at law. Lucas, tell us something about your life that makes you different, that we'd be surprised to know about you. Perhaps the way you were raised, or something about your life. My dad loved meth.

My dad loved meth until I was 12 years old, and I didn't know. I really just thought he was fun. I thought he was excited all the time. Yeah. He wasn't. I love it. He was on meth. Did he get off meth? Yeah, he's very sober now. He's a big AA guy now. Oh, wow. It's kind of worse. Yeah, it is. Did your dad get noticeably less fun as a child? Like did you? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, he stopped like dancing everywhere he went, you know.

And now he goes to as many AAA meetings as I go to open mics. Yeah, he's doing spots. Yes. So is he just the most interesting guy at AAA meetings with his meth habit? He kills. He kills at those AAA meetings.

You think he's confessed about you in his meetings? He's been like, my fucking gay son's doing comedy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Probably. I have an unloyal son who represents Dallas and Los Angeles while living in Portland. I had to buy.

I went to the Dallas game in Dallas. We went to watch in the stadium. And I was wearing a Houston jersey. And I started feeling glares. It was a dumb move. I liked the jersey. I clied Jaxler on it for Portland. God damn it.

Was it a random? I had to buy this shirt. I had to buy this shirt. Were they playing the Trail Blazers? No. Or the Rockets? I mean you were... It's the playoffs. They're playing... All right, so you just wear a random jersey to a different game? I was like it's a basketball jersey. I'm gonna wear a basketball jersey to the basketball game. You wore a Houston Rockets jersey? Look man, I haven't been in Texas very long. As soon as I started having black dudes come at me all crazy, I was like, I'm sorry. They weren't playing the Celtics. What, today? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What were they doing exactly? I was having sex with them, Tony. I'm from Portland. Was that weird for you to meet black people if you're from Portland?

Huh? This has been the most black people I've ever seen in my life since being in Texas. Yeah, there weren't a lot of black people. No. No. In Portland. You guys have more murals of black people than black people. That's true.

You guys paint them all the time. Yeah. Black Lives Matter. Why weren't any of them moved here? Well Lucas, any special skills or talents other than stand up comedy? Special skills or talents. I wish I could sing. No man, I don't know. I really wish I was talented. This is the best as it gets sometimes. I was a UPS driver, I can drive a truck well. God, I can drive a truck well. I'm really good at manual labor.

I've been great at it for years. Really? It doesn't seem like you're built for, what's your ethnicity exactly? I'm actually, I thought I was Italian my whole life. Like my family, my middle name is Giovanni, because my family wanted us to be Italian so bad. Uh-huh. We're German.

Wow. We're German. I grew up Catholic, you know what I mean? I'm wearing two chains still, you know. Okay, represent. That's right. Yeah, that's what we're talking about. I fuck with you.

Your last name is Cop. When the black guys were coming at you, did you have an urge to hurt them? Yeah, I always do. I get nervous, I'm like, I always have my hand here, but there's nothing there. There's nothing there, especially a wallet after you ran into those guys. Yeah, you're right.

Lucas, you did very good for a bucket pull. Here's a big joke book. Thank you. Lucas Kopp, ladies and gentlemen. Getting it started out of the bucket tonight, that's a hell of a start. Thanks so most for Lucas Hello and good evening. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify

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we're gonna meet him all together, Jeffrey Lee everybody. Jeffrey Lee, oh shit, look it's the lovely Heidi everyone. Hello everybody. Get a little personal. I suffer from extreme ED. European depiction. That's a pro-black Jesus joke, everybody. All right. Okay, so moving along.

Do I look like I live in a van? Yes. So I don't look homeless. That's great news. That's great news. I gotta make a real concerted effort around these parts. All right. Okay, is that time? No, I don't know. Is there a clock? Are you done? Jesus Christ. Yeah, I'm sorry. Sure. Jeffrey Lee.

It's a very giving audience tonight. Oh, thank you. Jeffrey, welcome to the show. Are you aware? Is that blood all over your leg? Oh, thank you for noticing. Is there a doctor in the house? What is that? I thought you got nailed to the cross earlier.

Ha ha ha! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof! Poof!

Poof! A very giving audience. A very giving audience. True. Ha ha ha! That's pretty funny. Jesus was born in a manger, you live in a van. How's life going, Jeffrey?

Pretty good. I'm doing it on purpose. What? Did you pawn all the frankincense and myrrh? No. Do you have any apostles? Oh, I do have a lot of best friends. Okay, Jeffrey, how long you been doing stand-up comedy for? About three and a half, four years.

Three and a half, four years. Where at? Started in Cleveland. Started in Cleveland? Mm-hmm. And mostly in Cleveland. But um... Mostly in Cleveland. I did do some sets in Chicago, Nashville... Jerusalem. Hallelujah if you're gonna fucking do it, do it.

Jesus fucking... A sleepy head over here. My God. Oh you're over it? Good. I'm glad you're over it. Moving forward with all of your creative nature. Jesus Christ. Lord's name, he's right there. Lord's name.

Jesus Christ. I love it, absolutely. So, okay. So, Jeffrey, what do you do for work? Uh. Uh, we've been there. Carpenter. for work? Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhhhhhhhhhh ehhhhh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh ehh You're dirtball Jesus. Turns water into a monster energy drink. That's what I got. That's what I got. Oh God. I love it.

Okay, so Jeffrey, where do you live now? In my van. Right. Where's the van right now? It's actually down the street. Okay. All right, you locked it up? Tight. Yeah.

What's the most expensive thing that you keep in your van? I'd rather not discuss that. Oh. No one's gonna follow you. You have a diseased leg, Jeffrey. I don't know if you know this. It is heavily, it's, I think that's gonna be gangrene soon.

I've been thinking about medical attention. You really have no idea. Yeah, you gotta consider that. Yeah. You really, are you joking or you literally have no idea what that is? I'm pretty sure it's a burn. A burn?

Yeah. Well, you would, did you get burned? It was very hot that day. Were you fighting the devil or something? Come on. Took the old pitchfork to a shin. Kinda, it was like I was staking rock and I think I kinda scraped it a little bit. It's hard being a ranch hand, Tony.

I don't know if you've ever been a ranch hand before. I have worked on Brokeback Mountains. I know all about it. I thought you were straight. It's okay. That's a... But you drove down from Cleveland today for this? Oh, no, no, no. I've been here for a little minute. For like a month. Yeah. Right.

Right. In the hate? It's a hundred degrees every day and you're in a van. It was a bad idea. I just wanted to come down and try to get on Kill Tony and I got that out of the way. So I can go. How long have you been in Austin?

Yeah, much respect. For like a month. It's like five weeks, probably. You've been signing up for five weeks. Well, you were gone. Right. So that was unfortunate. I told everybody, hey, help me get here

so I can sign up, and then you couldn't even sign up. Right. And then on the third day, you rose again. So stupid. So stupid. Jeffrey, you're a ranch hand. Let me get this right. Where in Cleveland exactly are you a ranch hand? No, I did the ranch hand. Let me get this right. Where in Cleveland exactly here? Are you a ranch hand?

No, I did the ranch hand stuff here. Okay, this is all that's new day. That's a that's a day ago. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Oh Yeah, oh Jesus Christ. Oh, there's a pus bubble on the bottom there Any chance this is a crazy question to the kill Tony fan base, any chance there's an actual doctor out there? Is there a doctor? What kind of doctor are you? Physician assistant. Can we do better? Can you diagnose with that?

No, of course, no, of course. Now that is funny. It's literally a beggar being a tutor. There's a saying against this exact thing. Heal your own leg. James, what was your question? What'd you ask him? No, I said he should heal himself, but we should get this... The past few years, I've been in the room with a bunch of people who have been in the room with me,

and they've been talking about the past few years, and they've been talking about the past few years, and they've been talking about the past few years, and they've been talking about the past few years, What was your question? What'd you ask him? No, I said he should heal himself, but we should get this... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... I, the...

The past scares me. I'm the closest to it and I feel the most weird, I think. Sorry. Sorry. Physician assistant is good! You know, there's... I mean, no one else spoke up, so I apologize. Take a gander at that, then.

Is there, is there anyone higher ranking than a physician's assistant? Make some noise. What? Oh, that's all we got. Thank you, sir. All right. There's a spokesman for the audience. That's all we got. He checked everybody's occupation on the way in. So it's down to a physician's assistant or a Mexican trombone player.

So physician's assistant, can you have a diagnosis of that? Okay, sir, Jesus, turn around. What would the diagnosis on this be? She put on her glasses for this. Cellulitis. Cellulitis? So what would he need for that? Some peptides? C-Cath-Flex. Antibiotics. Antidiotics. Does anybody have antibiotics? I've also got a thing on my foot, if you wouldn't mind hanging out. I've been scratching the mosquito bites and they sort of form one big mosquito bite.

Absolutely disgusting. Jeffrey, very, very interesting stuff. Why not pants though. The internet said keep it uncovered. So you looked it up on the internet. Hey I have a boil on my leg. I'm about to do Kill Tony. I really kind of was hoping next week, not this week, but here we go. You work in mysterious ways, you know?

It is incredible, Jeffrey. Anything else crazy about your life we'd find interesting about you? Oh, uh, ooh. Um, sure. Uh, I don't want to rap. You what? I could be a rapper. What do you mean you could be a rapper? I could say I rap, and then I could rap.

Yeah. Do you rap? This is the worst way to answer this ever. You're a fan of the show, right? Yeah, yeah. You've seen the show a lot. That's why I said like, it popped in my head. I'm like, you know.

Anything at all though, it doesn't have to be like, you don't have to pretend like you're a rapper. That would be psychotic. No, no, I really do have really good rhymes. Do you rap? I have great rhymes. Okay, well then you would say that I rap. Okay.

All right. Look at Michael and say it. Nice and easy, Michael. Nice and easy. There you go. I want to be able to hear this. All right, all right. Here he is. Jesus Christ, ladies and gentlemen.

Really, Kanye West? Oh, man, all right. This is your part, buddy. Right here. I want to play that. I want to play that. I want to play that. I want to play that.

I want to play that. I want to play that. I want to play that. I want to play that. I want to play that. I want to play that. I want to play that. Really Kanye West? Oh man, alright. This is your part buddy, right here. I wasn't playing on freestyle, I wanted a written. Hold on, hold on, let me get it corrected. Corrected, what's the inflection? I think my leg has a deadly infection.

Help me now, help me now, help me now. Help me now, help me now, help me now Help me now, help me now, help me now P.S. I heard Drake was a fan Yeah, he's a fan, he's a fan, he's a fan What you think when I beat the man? Put it in demand, oh yeah, jump the jam Pump, pump, pump, inflate, fuflation Fuckin' up the peep, you see it on the street Six getting weak, oh yeah, it's getting sick. You see it all the time and you see it in the peeps eyes, oh yeah, they mumbling by, wondering why you smell the piss.

Okay, alright, I'm going to stop you there, Jeffrey. Oh, you're getting a big joke book, Jesus. There he goes. Jeffrey Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Fun times. He should have stopped at the deadly infection part. Just left us wanting more. Hello and good evening.

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slash kiltony to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain. Okay, pulled another name out of the bucket. Here we go. We're flying through them tonight. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Jake Coulter, everybody. Here comes Jake. So people tell me all the time that I have chicken legs, like it's a choice. But how else am I supposed to attract black women? Whoo! Hmm. Oh! Oh!

Oh. There's one black lady right now that can't take her eyes off them. And she's on the keyboard. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! I feel like WWE is just like a female orgasm. If I enjoy myself, I don't really care if it's fake or not. Yeah. Jake Colter, I'm gonna cut you off right there. Yeah! Wow. Amazing set. Absolutely incredible.

Is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Jake. That was an absolutely incredible set. Absolutely incredible. Is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome, welcome, Jake. That was an absolutely incredible set. How long have you been doing stand-up? Since September.

Since September. I love it. How old are you? I am 25. 25. And what is... You have some kind of like condition or something? Uh... You got a little wobbly left hand and a little speech something.

What's going on with you? I am very nervous. Oh, that's it? That's it? I thought he was going to say a light case of cerebral palsy. Oh. We could say that too. If that's what it is, hey. Absolutely.

For real, nothing? I don't think so. I mean, I'm not a doctor, but it could be. Well, good for you. We have a physician's assistant here. Physician's assistant. Would you say that his condition is nervousness? What do you got?

What do you got for this one? Bro, say you have something. You'll be a regular. Oh. Did you get extra nervous because the last guy was very leg heavy and then your first joke was about legs? And you were maybe worried there's going to be too much about legs here tonight. I had no idea that happened but now I'm worried about it.

I want to see your legs now. That's a good leg. That's a healthy leg. Nice. Oh yeah. Those really aren't chicken legs at all, but the pants do a good job at covering it up. I don't want them shits.

Thank you, I chose them myself. What'd you say? I don't want them shits. He doesn't want them shits. Because they're not chicken legs. Fuck out of here. It was very fun to see you extremely nervous tell a very, very racist joke. Dude, back to back.

It was pretty great. Oh, so that joke was actually the first joke I ever told. And I wound up just going to a random open mic at the Signature Bar in Richmond. And well, I was- We don't know what that is. Can you describe that to us? Oh, so the Signature Bar is the name of the bar. Richmond is right outside of Houston.

Uh-huh. Is that a very black population or...? Well, yeah, but I didn't realize it until I got on stage because I was so... Yeah, I was so nervous going over my set over and over and over again. And my whole set was about being a white guy dating black women. How it's great because they'll assume when they marry me that their credit score will get higher.

And I applied for credit cards like they were college applications. Because I didn't know they affected the credit score. Right. Okay. Yeah. So Jake, is that true? Do you date black women? Yes. Really?

I know. This is shocking to me. It's fucking real life Kip. Yeah. It's so good. How many black women do you think you've been with? If you had to guess. I've been with three.

Three black women? Oh my God. That's pretty good. That's pretty good. I think we can all agree. Yeah. Yeah, that is incredible. And you went all the way with them.

Full intercourse. Yes. Yeah. And do you have any? Yeah, go ahead. I was about to say, so you actually talk about a theory on here, um, about black women having warmer... Yes.

...pussies. Yeah. Uh... And, yeah. Do you agree with my theory? Yes, and... Absolutely. Good.

It's true. But there's actually a... A little fun fact for all you little Texans that have never tried the old Hershey sauce, you know what I mean? It's a little bit different out there. Their D Madness is hurt enough, he's gone. He's going to get some black pussy right now. He can't take another second.

He was so offended he could see. He left. No. You say chicken legs three times, deep madness takes a run for it. So there's actually a science behind that theory though, because like, you know how you're told to wear brighter clothes in the summer to reflect heat?

Yes. Because darker colors absorb more heat? Yes, somehow this is the most racist part of your appearance. No! Go ahead, continue. So same thing applies to skin color because black women... We know where you're going with this. Yeah.

We're already ahead of you on this. Where did you find this information? Chat GPT. Chat GPT. He went to... He went to chat BET chat EBT it went to chat KFC it's incredible. Say it into the mic. It's so bad it's funny. Are you going to chat NBA or something? Oh my god. So Jake tell, do you have any special moves

in the bedroom when you're, uh... No, I just do what I'm told. Oh, no, no, no. Absolutely. Goddamn right. You don't need a phys... Give me 50 bucks. No, no, no. Oh, shit. True. Yeah.

How many of these are any of these business transactions? Has anybody ever asked you for anything? The women that you've been with? Oh, no. Okay. So what do they ask you to do? What women that you've been with? Oh, no. Okay, so what do they ask you to do? What did they tell you to do, Jake? What do the black women in the bedroom tell you to do exactly?

And say it how they would say it. It's like a police. This is Kill Tony. Wait, I can't answer that, I don't think. Okay, so when you're in the bedroom with a black woman and they tell you what to do, you said that you do what you're told to do in the bedroom. What do they ask you to do? But when you say it, say it how they say it. Do an impression of a black woman asking you, telling you what to do in the bedroom.

You're trying to get this man canceled on his first appearance on your show. I'm very upset. I had such a good first day and you're trying to get me canceled. Do the black lady! I'm sorry! Don't, don't, don't.

Don't do it. I know, that's why I'm looking at Shane. Do it. Nah, you should. Do it. Become, become legend, bro. Yeah, be a legend. Shane and I technically both got canceled before our careers really started as well,

so you can go right ahead. Do it. Do it. As black as you possibly can. Oh, do it. Deez is giving you permission. I'm even playing black blues music for you. Here it comes ladies and gentlemen this is Jake Colter doing an impression of a

black woman telling him what to do in the bedroom. I want to make my own way to our home Are they all nervous too? Yes Hi, do it down there Hello Good night, mate You fucking chimney sweeps? The fuck was that?

I'm not good at impressions. I'm not an impressionist. I'm a black woman. Get down there and eat my pussy. I'm just a typical old black woman. Let me see those delicious chicken legs. I've got the warmest pussy this side of Oxfordshire. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna incredible. We have a lot of catching up to do, Jake. I know. Wow. So, how long? You said September you started? So you haven't even been doing this a year.

No, but I've been watching you for two years and taking notes and your advice. Very good. You're doing very good. Where do you live? Huh? Where do you live? In McDade. Well, what? You're doing very good. Where do you live? Huh? Where do you live? In McDade.

Well, what? You got really nervous there. In McDade? In McDade. Yeah, well, I... It's called McDade. I call it McDad, because I feel like then I could tell girls I could be their McDaddy. Oh my God. This is a fucking pimp. This guy is an absolute fucking baller with your little wobbly left hand. Look, you have no idea what to do with that hand. Look at you. You're grabbing onto your pocket or wiggling around touching your

own fingers. You have no idea what to do with that fucking thing. I know because every time I practice I practice holding the mic in this hand but... What what to do with that fucking thing. I know, because every time I practice, I practice holding the mic in this hand, but... What do you do with that hand? Let's see what happens if you hold the... What do you do with that hand? Oh, shit, cerebral palsy. You have no... Do both. Just do both. Oh, Shane giving you permission to do the patented... Whoa!

Oh, my God. In the history of stand-up comedy, there might be nobody more fitting ever to use both hands on a microphone, and you just got permission from the fucking, the true Mac Daddy of both hand microphone holding. There she go. It works. You have been blessed on this day.

An amazing performance, an amazing interview. Here's a big joke book. Jake Colter, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Amazing. We're having too much fun here. We're going to get one more bucket pull out of the way here. We're going to meet them all together. We've got a lot of momentum right now.

Make some noise. 60 seconds from Abe Flores, everyone. Abe Flores, everyone. Abe Flores. All right. Thank you very much. So I'm Mexican, and it's a good time to be Mexican. Unless of course you were born in Mexico. Half of my family really hates that joke. You can imagine which half, you know what I'm saying? There's a bit of tension among the family, just a little bit of tension. Those who only speak Spanish expect the

rest of us to speak it perfectly. And yeah, yo hablo espanol, but just because I speak the language doesn't mean I know every word. For instance, the word girth. I have no idea how to say girth in Spanish. And no, of course I've never looked it up, because that would be gay as hell. All right, thank you guys, I made flores.

Hell yeah, finally someone just eats it up here. We've been waiting for you Abe. Well, really good to be here man, thank you for having me. Absolutely, it's a shame you're not the Abe that got shot in the head while at a show. Welcome Abe. How long have you been attempting stand-up comedy?

Well I've been writing for about a year, man. I just got back from Mexico City so I haven't been at mics and stuff like that. So this is what? How'd you get up here? I put my name in a bucket, man. So this is basically your first time in front of a live audience? Yeah, I do music, so I like perform. Uh-huh.

But I've never tried jokes out, man. This is a very different thing. Yeah, it sure is, isn't it? How long have you been writing? Two years, you said? A little over a year. A little over a year. Yeah, jokes, just like, you know.

Sure. What do you do for work? Um, well, I tutor people in Spanish, algebra, geometry, things like that. Okay. James McCann. When you said half your family hates that joke, you know what I mean? What did you mean by that? Yeah.

The ones who were born in Mexico. No, okay. Yep. Some were born here, some were... So you were born in Mexico. Oh, okay. Yep. So some were born here, some were... So you were born here? Right, right. Well, I don't know. I'm asking you, yes.

Yes, that is correct. I was born here. Are we supposed to know your story? No, no. Are you very famous in Mexico? Are you a Tele... Are you a Telenovo man? No, no.

You look like you could be a Telenovoman superstar. The most I've ever done is like been an extra in like a movie, you know, like very minor things. Excellento. Yeah. Very. What did you play in a movie? Oh, no, like I played a bartender once.

Okay. That was like... Have you trained in acting? Did you take a class or anything like that? Never taken a class. Um, done like music videos and stuff like that. To like my own music. Been in a couple of other short films. That's it man.

Right, so you did some... what characters were you in short films? One time I played a guy named Moe. He was like, um... Let me ask you this. Let me get to my point here. The Simpsons? What? Bar tender named Moe? Let me get to my point here. The Simpsons? The bartender named Bo? Simpsons in me bar. Simpsons.

I'm asking you a lot about acting right now, Abe, because I'm curious with all of your acting experience if you could play a black woman telling you to do something in the bedroom. Can you do an impression of a black woman telling you to do... It's gonna save your whole fucking set, bro.

Yeah. Okay, all right. All right, here he is. Hold on. Let's get the lighting right. This is Abe Flores pretending to be a black woman telling him what to do in the bedroom. That is not my job. No need to do it in a racist way. Good Lord.

You didn't like that? No, I was crying. I was actually really, really good. No, no, no. What you said, I wouldn't say that. When you, let me just ask you something. When you say, that is not my job, what is she implying during that? Like what is, what's going on in that scene to where she, of all the things.

I know exactly what's going on in that scene. He's exactly right. Abe, answer my question. What is she telling you is not your job? Honestly man, I don't know where I heard this from. This was like in a show or something. If somebody knows it, please, please blur it out. I think it's every gas station.

I have heard black women say that at the airport a lot. Yeah, every place of work. It's beautiful to find a Mexican who is... Way more racist than I thought it was gonna be. Yeah, it's gone bad. I apologize already. Okay. Taking the heat off you, brother.

Thanks, man. I'm gonna put it back on you. What were you implying that the black woman was saying during, go ahead. That was the first thing that came to mind, man. I wish I had a better answer. Okay, very good. Yeah.

Very good. Abe, what do you do for a living? I tutor people. Oh, that's right, I asked you that. What do you do musically? You've been bringing up this music thing. Yeah, I make reggaeton. Do you know what that is?

Yeah, that's a tunnel Italian pasta, am I correct? A little regatone? Rigatone, yes. Okay. It's like a very... So when you say you make rigatone, what exactly do you mean you make it? On a computer or... Exactly, yes.

Oh, okay. So like sometimes we sample things. Computador. Sometimes we'll sample music, sometimes it's just like you know going in there recording actual instruments uh-huh playing with melodies right just you know it's all just on a computer most of it is you don't do anything live or sing anything or do anything I I sing I I rap a little bit. Yeah, just play along here. Yeah! Okay.

Hey, you guys. Do you really, really want to? Do you really, really want to, girl? Hit him with that one two. Do it for me, cause I know you really want to, girl. Do you really, really? Are you ready? Here's a little rap, okay?

It's a little political Living in... alright, alright Living in cages, simply outrageous Jungle is dangerous Minimum wage, a slave in the way In a place with no say Blast that banana, turn it to sane After some goes down the streets are. Apes out here blasting bananas, trying to get paid. Made to believe

there is no other way. I get why we blasting, but do you really, really want to? Okay, all right, all right, all right. That song is called Blast That Banana. Are you an Indian guy? You're a fucking Indian guy. I'm not an Indian guy, no. That's the other half of his family. Oh shit. When you're making a political rap about apes blasting each other with bananas,

do you want to explain what that's about? I've got a theory, but... Yeah, so... Maybe don't tell anybody what that's about, I got a theory, but... Yeah, so... Maybe don't tell anybody what that's about. That was off of a project that I released about a year ago called Abe the Ape, and it's like all like literally just a bunch of double entendres about, you know, blasting bananas and yeah. Because of Planet of the Apes or because of black people? That's what I'm asking.

Oh God, no, no. Because I don't know. No, no. It was an idea that I got living in Mexico City. I was just kind of like going from place to place, noticing that people were just kind of, you know, loading themselves up with like drugs and chasing sex and doing things like this. Just like very primal urges.

That's the best possible answer to that question. I appreciate it. So, yeah. Good job Good job Abe. Thanks Tony. All right well Abe here's a little joke book. Congratulations. Appreciate you man. There you go. Ladies and gentlemen that is the Kill Tony debut of Abe Flores. My music? You already did. Abe Flores music. There you already did a flores music there you go a flores everybody go listen to his unbelievable ape related music

For those of you that are like this not enough apes in my music Big popper Heidi and now we've come to that part of the show where I get to bring up one of our Unbelievable regulars ladies and gentlemen, you know them, you love him, the boy is a monster. I present to you the one and only Cam Patterson. ["The Boy Is A Monster"] Oh, I usually have like a really good minute that I like a lot, and don't make that face bitch. Right now today I was in Spokane this weekend and I usually talk about where I was and Spokane, Washington is a terrible fucking place.

I asked them, I said, what are they doing in Spokane, Washington? And one person just said, suicide. That's a terrible answer. And I want y'all to know something, Spokane, Washington has like a huge basketball three-on-three tournament that they do. Yeah, not that cool. It's 88% white in Spokane, Washington. That's fucking crazy, you know?

To be like, yeah, man, we just gonna corner the market on basketball real quick, that's what we gonna do. I told her, it's not gonna be good, fuck y'all. It's not gonna, this was not the best minute. Oh, I got rich friends. And that's weird now. I was showing my homeboy a picture of a giraffe, and he was like, I own one of those.

And I said, what? And he said, I own a giraffe. And I was like, for real? He said, yeah, I own one of those. And I said, what? And he said, I own a giraffe. And I was like, for real? He said, yeah, I got two of them. And one of them, they had sex and they made a giraffe baby. And I sold the baby giraffe to the zoo. And I was like, nigga, you flip a giraffe? Oh, man.

Cam Patterson, everybody. I didn't want to do that joke. Why? I'm still working on it. It's great. That's great. Oh, fuck, man. What's wrong?

No, I could have spoke can shit. Just spoke can was just fucking terrible. So I had nothing to talk about with spoke can. And then I was like, fuck, I'm going to do that. The basketball shit. I did the basketball shit over there in Little Boy. It went terrible. They were like, no, that's horrible. Two girls trying to suck my dick, so that made me happy, but-

Rob Markman In Spokane? DJ Khaled No, here, just now today. Rob Markman Oh, wow. That's living the life. DJ Khaled Yeah, that's a win. DJ Khaled No, it wasn't. I bombed, nigga. I don't deserve to get my dick sucked when I bombed.

DJ Khaled Are they still trying to suck? DJ Khaled Yeah. They still trying to suck my dick. Rob Markman Wait, they tried to suck your dick after you bombed? Yeah, I was like, I bombed, it's not going to work. Over there, it's going to be very bad. And they were like, we'll suck your dick to make you feel better.

And I was like, I don't deserve that. My goodness. And then I got my dick sucked. But, uh. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Um. Pfft.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. OK. Okay, was this a black woman that sucked your dick or a white woman? Nah, I've been seeing this shit. No, it wasn't not a black lady, it was a white bitch. This is crazy. You making them say the wildest shit up here. Yeah, we're having fun tonight. We had God, God was here, that was crazy. That was insane.

It wasn't God, God was his father. We had his son. God of God. I want to say, I've been in Austin for a couple months now. Cam, you're my favorite person who does, the way you hadn't seen before, does comedy. You're great. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I love you too. I love you too. Much love. Thank you so much. I love you too, bro. Hell yeah. They're my dog. He speak a different language.

Yeah. I mean, also, like the moral of everything you're saying is evil, but you're so charismatic. Yeah, that's love, hell yeah. You have about eight minutes on an abortion that is really funny. Thank you. You're welcome. People hate that joke. Yes, because you're talking about how much you love abortion. Yeah, my mama hate that joke.

Yes, because you're killing her grandchild. It's still really funny. You know what's fucked up about that? She didn she didn't know I was gonna have the abortion at all She didn't know about it worse at all until she was going through tik-tok And it found that I killed her grandbaby so That's how some people find out that their grandchild has been murdered Yeah, I didn't want to tell us you was going to make it real sad for me. You caught her body.

Huh? You caught her body. I mean, I didn't do it, the physician did. The physician's assistant right there. Very excited. Yeah. James? I was just shaming the physician who did it.

It really sounded like you said my name. Oh no, that was with an M. It's the worst thing a person can do. Very funny. Have you done abortions before Physicians Assistant? You've had one? One of us! One of us! One of us! Did the guy sitting next to you just find out? He didn't lean over like, wait, what? Painful. What the fuck? Here's a little joke book for the little child that you murdered. Here you go. This is a crazy episode of the show tonight.

This shit's been wild. This is really, we're really pushing the limits here today. It's truly been insane to watch. Cam, what else is going on in life? Shit, Dungeon and Road, trying to figure it out. Man, it's been pretty fun. The road's been a good time. Yeah, you're killing it on tour. Where can people get tickets again? On my Instagram.

Go to my Instagram, go on my bio, because it's on, I got a, what is it called? I got a coma. Linktree? Oh, there you go. I got a coma, hell yeah. They go to my IG and shit. You see it? There you go.

Marketing genius. I ain't even... Oh no, I don't know how to promote myself for real. Come see the nigga. I don't know, man. Come see me. I be talking about good shit. I like to load shows on the road, it be fun. Have you looked up campatterson.com?

Have you even looked that up? I think that's it, I think it's either that or Cam So Funny. Rap Man, can you look it up? I think it's Cam So Funny. It's Cam So Funny, right? I think so. Cam is so funny or is? Cam So Funny, K-A-L-S-O-O, funnyL so funny KL S.O.O. funny that's it

S.O.O. Did you just skip over trying to spell funny? I got so wrong we better not try funny I can spell I can spell funny fantastically. F-U-N-N. The last word. The last word. Why? What do we got? It's not Cam So Funny.

It's not either of them. It's not with two O's. Try so with two O's. You gotta put two O's. He's gotta put two O's. You have to spell it incorrectly. So funny, That's it. Nope.

It's right there. See? When they go my face, it's here. Store.camsofunny. We'll click the Cam Patterson thing. We can just do it. We're not going to wait for you to type again. No, I already did that. It's... It just says... My way of my thing. No.

You put a square space, dude. Yeah, come see me. There you go. The great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. He's on tour. Right, it's not, by the way, it is not Cam... Oh no, you misspelled, you misspelled funny. Oh my God, Red Band.

Oh, it does, okay. Technically it goes to, yeah, it kinda pops up. It's a real shitty website. Oh no, it's all good. All right, we're back to the bucket. You guys having fun? Here we go. We're gonna. It's all good. All right, we're back to the bucket. You guys having fun? Here we go. We're gonna meet another one altogether.

60 seconds uninterrupted for Dylan Jarboe, everyone. Dylan Jarboe. There's a lot of protests going on in Austin right now. I'm not gonna lie. Up until a week ago, I thought Hamas was Spanish for more ham. I'm like... I'm sorry. I got pulled over on 6th Street.

I didn't even think that was possible. I thought it was like International Waters out there. White guys, we get pulled over, we talk to the police like they're our Uber driver. What's up, boss man? Busy night? You have an iPhone charger? Can I vape in here?

I think they should bring back the show, Pimp My Ride, remember that? Bring back Pimp My Ride, this time it's just for people who live in their car. What's up, Kevin, we heard you're homeless, we put a microwave in your trunk. Figure it out. No, I know the struggle. We didn't have a lot of money growing up, and I was a kid.

Every night for dinner, we had macaroni or cheese. I always picked cheese. Actually, I had a job interview recently. You got to be memorable, stick out. He asked me, Dylan, what do you bring to the table? I said, I bring another table. You're hired, welcome to Rooms to Go. Thank you. Dylan Jarbo.

Welcome. You've been on this show before, right? Fantastic. How long you been on stand up? About eight years. Eight years. And you do this for a living? How do you make money?

No, God, no. I have an IT job, work from home. Okay, work from home. I love it, I love it. Oh, a lot of fans of working from home here. That's great. Tell us more about your life that we didn't find out last time you were on. Or what was the main frame of our talk

last time you were on? Last time I was on, we talked about mental health. I had OCD, I can't do anything in fours because I have five family memorials. It means someone's gonna die. Okay, you still have that obviously. Yeah, I do. Dr. Drew and I talked and we had a great conversation. Okay, that was at Skankfest? No, that was here. Okay, that's right. That was at the Vulcan. Okay, I remember now. Yep, long time ago. All right, so you have OCD. What else about you, Dylan?

Tell us more. I mean, yeah. I lost like 30 pounds since the last time I've been on here. Really? Skinny bitch. You would have lost 40, but a family member would have died. I can't afford that. Yeah. How'd you lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost the weight.

I cut out the lean cuisine pizzas. Oh, have you thought about that? That's just what helped me personally. Right. That's what saved me. Red Band thinks that's good diet food lean cuisine pizzas diet pizza mom is in the title Brian do it diet pizza yeah I thought it was diet pizza it's that right right so how many family moves do you have? for Including me I count myself and so you have four yeah for Wait, yeah, I know I know it didn't add up to me either once I started counting the numbers in my head I was like this it so it's four mm-hmm, so you can't do three. I said one would be gone. Yeah That's it's true're gonna cut out the foxtrot and the waltz for this man so he can't have any. One two three. Well I was confused

maybe I'm fucked up. Didn't you say? All right yeah. This was years ago I still can't count. What's the worst that this has affected your life, the SoCd? Obviously, he's not that strong. He forgot while he was up here. No, that's got to be worse, because you live your whole life going, oh, fuck, was it two? When do they die? But it sounds hard.

There's been some stuff when I was driving. I'd be going down the highway and I'd be like, you better touch the back, you know, like the window at the back. And I'd be driving to the open mic, if you don't touch it, you're going to bomb. And I'd be going 80, reach back real hard. You just have to touch the window? Mm-hmm. The back?

Again, years ago, yeah. Passenger side window. No, no, no, like, you know, how it winds up. Driver side back window. Mm-hmm. You had to touch the window or else you were gonna bomb. I was gonna bomb, yeah. Is this a small car or like a Toyota Sienna? How far is it to get to the back window? It was a Ford Focus. I could lean back. It's doable, yeah. Oh yeah. Easy. One of these. Easy. Drive

with my dick. Okay, so Dylan, you have a love life? I do. How's that going? What's that like? There's a beautiful girl. How long you been with love life? I do. How's that going? What's that like? There's a beautiful girl. How long you been with her? About nine months. Where'd you meet her at? Hinge. It was a hinge. What was her first date?

Our first date was down Hotel Vegas, down the street. She's a tech gal. She makes twice my salary. Yeah. There you go. There you go, guys. We get an HEP. She buys the groceries, I buy the bags. That's just how we do it. Man, I got a feeling if you don't stand on one foot right now, she's gonna die tonight. Whoa!

I'd be a very lucky man, now I can take it. Do you only stop with four fingers, or? No. No. Have you ever fisted her is what he says. No. Okay, good. What is the wildest thing you've ever done in the bedroom? To you. Like a Mike Tyson, maybe a bite.

Whoa, look at that. In the bedroom, a Mike Tyson can mean a different thing George form it yeah, the nibbling on an ear is the least horrifying thing a Mike Tyson could be George for a little rope a dope action. Yeah Little Muhammad Ali rope-a-dope? Yeah, I hang at the corner. Play dead for a while and they go, I'll just fuck around. Come here! Now that you're tired, I'm gonna fuck you up. I love it. Dylan, what do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up or working? I've been taking Pilates classes online.

Whoa. Why does that sound like a joke? You say it. No it's not. I took Pilates class online. So when you take it online, what does that mean exactly? It's just YouTube. Uh-huh. YouTube it. Right, but like you like do, what do they have you do? I do the poses in the living room and just let it hit. She watches. It works, because you're looking good, brother. I want to let you know that. I'm not ashamed to appreciate a man's body. Thank you.

You're welcome. Wow. They're working off, guys. You're ripped under that Bucky's shirt. You can never go back there. I'm really not. It's trouble from here to here. Is it?

From tits up, I look great. There's a lot of lone stars. Man, do you know what I would give to look good from tits up? That's the...if you go in a pool, that's perfect. You just stay here. I gotta stay here. I got a great ocean body. You already have a joke book? I do, yes sir.

I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Wow, look at that. Look at that. Dylan Jarbo. There he goes. There goes Dylan, everyone. We got another name. We got to keep it moving. Make some noise for your next comedian. Doing a minute.

How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? I mean, just unbelievable. This sausage fest of a show. It's such a breath of fresh air. Make some noise for your next comedian. Trey On Stage, everyone. Trey On Stage. Here he is, Trey On Stage.

Whoa. Hello. How y'all doing, man? Last night, I got a little too drunk in my Uber. I was pretty messed up. I ended up throwing up, almost passing out. That thing really sucks when that happens, especially when your passenger is right there. Yeah.

I dated this black chick recently. It was pretty cool, man. She told me that her husband died, I dated this black chick recently. It was pretty cool, man. She told me that her husband died. I was like, that's no bueno. Thanks. I was like, that's no good, man, because I'm terrified of black widows. You know, I'm not really a morning person, really.

The only time I feel like that's appropriate is, you know, at a funeral. I don't like talking about sex jokes. I don't have any sex jokes at all, mostly because I just beat around the bush. Yeah, that's kind of gross, I guess. How do you kill a gang of clowns? You aim for the juggler. All right, thanks for y'all laughing. Trey, on stage.

Welcome, Trey, how are you? Pretty good, how you doing, man? Is this your first time on the show? Yes, sir, it is. Well, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? About six months. Six months, all of it here in Austin, Texas? Yes sir.

Is this where you live, this is where you're from? Not where I'm from, where I live. Where are you from? Originally New Orleans. And how long have you been here? Well, about six months. Okay, six months and you came here to start stand-up comedy? Yeah, yeah.

How old are you? I am 38. So what made you start now? My brother, he wanted to get into it and he was like you go check it out and so I was like alright I will and for some reason now I'm doing it. I love it. Where does your brother come in all this? He's in Baton Rouge. He's in Baton Rouge and he told you that you should do this? Well, he basically suggested that I look into it. And I took it a little bit more literally.

I said, OK, and let me go try stand up. And so I just did just that. How's it been going for you? Pretty bad. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. But you're having fun doing it? I'm having a great time. And what do you do for a living? Well right now I'm in between jobs, but professionally I'm a firefighter. Ooh, a firefighter. And you don't have a firefighting job here yet? Not yet, no.

I've been looking. But you were in New Orleans? No, I was a firefighter in Houston. Oh, okay. All right. Okay. A lot of fires to put out there. What's the bravest, craziest thing you've ever done as a firefighter?

CPRs, probably. A lot of times that's probably the saddest thing to see, but it's also, you know, you can get them back. And you've gotten people back before? Yeah. And you put your lips right up to their mouth? No. No?

How do you do it? We have something called a BVM. It's a bag valve mask, and we basically put the mask onto them and they get a nice equal breath. Wow. Of oxygen too. Should have put a BVM on this crowd, huh?

Yeah, right? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Hell yeah. So firefighting, you ever save a cat in a tree? No, a parrot though. A parrot? Yeah. You didn't need to save it. I know right, it's good. You ripped it out of a tree.

Were you ever in one of the sexy calendars? No, no. Oh, that's gotta hurt. I didn't make it. So the hot guys down at the station, they get to be in the calendar and you sell them or what? Just the hot ones. Do I sell them? No, just.

You're like the fat cheerleader, you're the base. Yeah. Yeah. You're the big girl waving a flag. Yeah. Yeah. Exactly. You look good in suspenders here. Hardie gentlemen.

I'll try. I'd stroke you. I'll try. Have you applied to be a firefighter here in Austin? Not in Austin, no. Surrounding areas. Is this where you live? Now it is, yes.

When did you move exactly to Austin? No, he was in Houston six months ago, right? Yeah, a little over six months ago. How long have you been in Austin? So about maybe three months. Okay. What made you stop off in Houston on your way to Austin? Well, long story. Basically, I'm coming by way of San Angelo. I lived out in Houston for a little bit, and now I'm just living in Austin you know by way of San Angelo yeah so I lived in I'm basically from the military I was in the military as well so you're just a hero of many kinds is that why your brother has sent you on a reconnaissance mission I'm still very confused by that if I was I didn't know

it but he wanted he wanted to do stand-up and said you should go check it out yeah he said I didn't know it. But he wanted to do stand-up and said, you should go check it out? Yeah, he said I should check it out. Yeah, but he wanted to do it? But he wanted to do it, yeah. And then he was like, you go first? That's fucked up. Basically, that was it.

He wasn't military or a firefighter, was he? No. Yeah, coward. Yeah. You did this, too. He's still sitting home going, ah, man. Yeah, right? I can't even believe this is happening right now. What branch of the military were you in?

The Navy. And did you ever go on tour? I did. Where'd you go? I did, went to China, Dubai twice, India, Australia. You ever kill any bad guys or just a parrot? Nope. And that doesn't know bad people Never killed anyone. What'd you do in the Navy exactly? I was something called AZ

So aviation maintenance admin. I'm colorblind. You're colorblind. I am Wow D madness is jealous right now Like colorblind I don't even know what the fuck a color is D madness with his regular ass glasses. Oh my god. Where'd you go in Australia? Perth. You went to Perth? I did.

There's nothing funny about that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry? There's nothing funny about being in Perth? I did. There's nothing funny about that. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. There's nothing funny about being in Perth. I got nothing. Oh yeah, we called it our Perth day. They say the women there are perfect. Yeah. But they're not.

They're real hideous trolls. So. Oh shit. Raising in Perth? Raising in Perth. Perth. I love it. Thank you for keeping my country safe.

We can't keep the Chinese out on our own. And I want to, I want to say thank you for keeping us safe. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you for keeping my country safe. We can't keep the Chinese out on our own and I wanna say thank you for keeping us secure, keeping us a democracy. I mean it.

It is true. Nothing but trouble. We're not gonna repeat what that guy just said. Chill, brother, for real. The Chinese government. I was talking about the Chinese government, not the people. Perfect.

That solves all of our problems. Incoming nuclear bomb, here we go. Uh, I love it. So, Trey, on stage, your brother wanted to do stand-up. He said, you should check out this show, Kill Tony, and you're like, I'm gonna go, I'm gonna start standup, I'm gonna go to Kill Tony, I'm gonna try to get on. Has your brother even attempted an open mic

or anything like that? Yes, he has. Okay. He has, he's actually, he's pretty funny. He's usually pretty funnier than me, actually. Really? So you guys go out, you guys are like the Scar Brothers, you just go bomb? The opposite of the Scar Brothers. The twins, right? Yeah. No, no,

we don't do that. They're good. Okay. I wanted to make sure I didn't sound like I was trashing the Scar Brothers. But no, that's, yeah. how the fuck did you get your name Trey on stage well my name is Trey Swan yeah so that makes sense yeah whenever whenever I write so IG and ET which is how you spell my name nobody ever gets it right so I kind of made up this I thought you were gonna be a black guy. Me too. Yeah. Yeah. Where's your brother at? Is he still in Louisiana? He's in Baton Rouge. Right, right. In Louisiana. Yep. Beautiful. And he's doing stand-up there in one of the worst stand-up comedy markets in the entire continent. So he says as well. Right. Absolutely. No, it is, it truly is. It's not like an opinion, it's an actual thing.

Nobody goes there. Anyway, most interesting thing about your life overall, you've been through so much, you're a fireman, you're a veteran, so much stuff you've been through. Most interesting thing about your entire life overall, what would you say it is? I mean, aside from being a firefighter and veteran I think I'm a musician. No way. What do you do musically? Play guitar. You really play guitar? Yeah.

How long have you played guitar for? I got a feeling he plays the hell out of it. I have I kind of have a feeling he does too. He's fucking with Louisiana. About 20 years. 20 years of playing guitar? Matt Mueling, he doesn't give it up very often, but he wants to hear you as well. Hopefully we got... Incoming guitar. We got the chord. This shit's going down. Deep Madness somehow knew that the guitar was about to hit him in the face.

Fucking world's fakest blind person. Here, get a little more out there. Get back up there. Let the people see you, Trey. You're on stage, Trey, on stage. Here he is. Oh, there's nothing happening. He lied to us, ladies and gentlemen.

Wait, what does he do? Oh, wow, what a catch. Is there a reason why there's no music coming out of it? Whoa, Jesus, all right. Whoa, Matt Mueling, what a power monger, hands over the guitar and just stares at him. Go ahead, play. You could do what I do.

Sure, guitar player. All right, ladies and gentlemen, from New Orleans, Louisiana... on a mission, he's on a mission to get his brother to kill himself. I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you

I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you I'm gonna kill you Alright, now do something cool. Do like a cool thing or something.

Wow. Trey on stage. Trey you rule dude. I like your style Trey. Not quite a big jokebook's worth of a set, but your interview was so good that I don't want to give you a small jokebook, so we're going to give you this cool fucking KT rattlesnake keychain. Made by the great Bones Eye, everything real Texas handmade leather, and there he goes, Trey on stage everybody. We do have a special treat for you ladies and gentlemen right now.

An action packed episode and you're about to meet another one of the rotating new regulars. He's doing a guest spot right here, right now in this position. A freak of nature from the great country of Estonia. This is a brand new minute from Ari Mati, ladies and gentlemen, Ari Mati. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Hello, Austin, how are we? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Amazing. I went to the cafe yesterday sitting there and then I overheard a couple having an argument. You know when you hear that sweet nectar of life? You know when you like pause I pause your own music. And they're going at it. And then I look who the couple is. It's two gay guys going at it. Shit was crazy. They like both made sense. Everybody stayed on one topic.

Nobody was bringing up old shit. Just two logical superior brains trying to find a solution. Thank you very much. Thank you. He's a beast. An absolute Estonian monster. Thank you. The cold-blooded Estonian assassin. Thank you, Tony. Oh, God, that was beautiful.

What a fucking work of art that joke is. Yeah, you should have held onto that. That was like a special joke. That was like, that was a really good joke. Yeah. I started doing it maybe last week, and I thought, why not whip it out? Yeah.

Ari Matty, he's a fucking freak. He's got tons of this unbelievable material. He's in a race to get his green card. He has to be famous within the next nine months. Now it's eight months, Tony. Oh, it's eight months already. Oh, shit. The clock is ticking fast.

He's going by an Estonian calendar. Last week of his nine months. Now a week later, it was nine months. Now a week later it's eight months. It's absolutely incredible how fast time moves with you. So how's the adventure going Ari Mati? I have something like a, what's the expression? A bone for picking with Tony? Yeah, you have a bone to pick.

You have a bone. You are telling me the other day that this show gets you pussy. Your episode hasn't come out yet, Ari. Oh. It comes out. Oh. Oh.

It may, okay, that makes sense now. I was being weird to some girls this weekend. I was like, Ari from Killtony? Who? You're gonna be just fine. I am on YouTube. I have on YouTube. I have a YouTube. Don't tell them about your wife. This is not a character. This is who you really are. What do you mean a character?

I'm just saying like... James is from fucking New Jersey. He's from New Jersey. I met you like a week ago backstage. I saw your act and then I went on and I came backstage and backstage you were like, how was it? I do not watch you do comedy. I was like, alright, committed. Look at these two having an immigrant off everybody. How exciting. Yeah, this guy sucks. Dude, a funnier accent.

Fuck. Kills me. It's much better when he talks about homeless people. Ari is a monster. Ari Matty, an unbelievable beast. I mean, everybody here is a huge fan. Adam the Booker here absolutely loves you. Yeah, everybody's like super nice.

Yeah, we love the funniest people. We love fucking working with other freaks. How is life going other than the Kill Tony world? How's being in Austin like? I went to Barton Springs. Ooh! The cold waters of Barton Springs. Hung out with like 14,000 Mexicans.

Yeah. Tony, these people like to party. Yes, they do. One, two, three, four. Okay, I guess they're... There you go, there, the red band's on it. Normally the Mexicans are ready to work, not tonight. Okay.

Damn. Uno, dos, tres, cuatro. The middle one put his horn up to his mouth when you hit that. It looked like he was playing. The middle one. Yo. That was bad.

The middle one. That's Fernando Castillo. Am I right? Yeah. I had a 50-50 shot at that. I got it right. So tell us more about the Mexicans partying at Barton Sparks. No, it was great, but you know what I'm obsessed with Tony recently?

Tell me. I love fat tits. Well. And I don't know what happened with like the Asian American girls, but something went terribly right. Dude, I don't even have a yellow fever, I have a yellow migraine, you know what I'm saying? Just can't stop thinking about Asian American tits, you know what I'm saying?

So you're saying that Asian women have big tits? Like Asian American, you know? They got thick. They have that super white accent, you know? They got thick. I saw it happen. I was in Philly. I was in...

There was one summer when I only inflated. I lived near Drexel and I would go there and they were all... Yeah, you could see it coming. And I predicted this. It was like... I was like the Al Gore of thick Asians. I was like, this is coming and it's going to be a problem. John the Baptist of thick Asians.

This is incredible. I might be the last to know about this. Our senior Asian woman correspondent, Brian Redbent, is here. Janice, get away from this man. Yes, everyone knows Janice and her fat tits. Fat, big ass titties, yeah. Nah, he's got the old model.

Which is fine. Which is great. So have you been with an Asian woman before? No, I have not. Have you ever kissed an Asian woman? I met one. You met one? When I was backpacking, but woman? I met one. You met one? When I was backpacking, but no, I haven't.

Is there an Asian woman in the... No, no. Oh, we got two Asian women right here. Is there a hero somewhere? Would you come up and give Ari Mati a kiss, either one of you? We've never had an Asian... No? I'm not gonna force you, but if you want to, you'll be a hero.

You don't have to, lady. You want to? Emotionless, emotionless Asian women. No, it's okay. I hear that Asian women have ice cold pussies. Is that true? It seems like it. That's the lowest temperature of a giant.

Seems like we may have found some cold-pussied Asian women here tonight. Any other Asian women out there? Nope, okie doke. Wait, what? Oh my god. What the fuck? That's pretty funny.

Get up here. Whoa, she does have, Hold on, wait a second. Those are massive tits! Wait! Come up here lady! Come on up here! Oh shit, Ari! We can just get her to pull her eyes sideways for you. It's gonna be amazing. Oh my god, there are some fucking money bags headed to this stage right now. Jesus Christ. You said you weren't getting go.

Whoa! James, look over there. You're not even looking, James. What's wrong with you? What do I do? You know what to do, dude. Don't back down now. Those things... You were going to kiss that lady. Now where's that courage? You better kiss her. Can I... Can I...

Those tits are so fat. Hold on a second. Just give me a second here. Hold on. Hold on. Let me just say, those things are so massive that they barely fit in there. Someone has not laid off the lean cuisine pizzas. I actually have a wood fire pizza on. She has a wood fire pizza on? What? What? She has a mobile wood fire pizza oven.

That's why she has got massive dizz. Okay. Go straight to your tent. What's your name, sweetheart? But Ari, put the mic up to her mouth. Nina. Nina. Sorry.

Oh my God. Nina. What. Sorry! Oh my god. Nina, what would you do with a little Estonian boy like Ari Matty if given the opportunity? Oh my god. Take him to eat pizza. Eat pizza. I love pizza. Well, let's see how much you love it.

Now, what size... What size are those boobs? I don't think you actually know, because that shirt's small. But what... The last time I checked, they were size H. Size H. Now, luckily, we have a physician's assistant here to... Do those look like Hs to you? All right. They agree that it's H.

And what do you do for work? I have a mobile wood-fired pizza. Oh, you really do? I thought you were riffing. How did you know she had a mobile? Yours got on. I can tell. You know.

I had a feeling she had a golf cart with a pizza oven on it. Hold on a second. Obviously she said it, I didn't guess. It's amazing that every mobile pizza oven in town. Oh, Nina? Yeah, I know her. Give me the regular giant tits. Nina, have you ever kissed an Estonian boy before? No. Have you ever... Nina, get in here.

Whoa! I love you, Nina. Hi. Okay, are you also a citizen? Yes, yes. American pussy, I love you. I love you. I love you.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Okay, are you also a citizen? Yes, yes. American pussy, I love it.

Hell yeah. Ari Matty one step closer to getting his green card. He's only got seven months left before time runs out. Shane saw something he likes and he's gonna pick up on that. What about pizza pussy? Shane just went to rape Nina everybody. Ari Matty you're so much fun. You're such a fucking great sport. Everybody adores you. And I'm so glad you're part of the squad here.

Make some noise for Ari Matty, everybody. You're watching a star be made in real time on this show. Oh my God. Oh shit. Oh my goodness. Hell yeah. There you go. See that's Heidi. That's a fucking no pizza ovens on that one. Alright. Ladies and gentlemen we gotta keep it moving along while Shane goes to the bathroom. We're gonna get 60 seconds uninterrupted from Chen, everybody, Chen. ["Chen"]

Hey! Wait. Someone was looking for Asian American boobies. ["Chen"] Hey! I have just missed the boat. I went kayaking recently. If you don't trust Asians with a car, maybe you shouldn't trust Asians with a vote. If liking your own Facebook post is a form of masturbation,

then having your mom like your Facebook post is a form of incest. People often associate veterans with PTSD. I'm more worried about the ones with fond memories. Um, let's see, let's do one more. You want to do one more, Chen? Okay, I'll do one more Chen? Okay I'll do one more. Therapy is expensive, that's why I trauma dump on unsuspecting audiences at comedy clubs. Thank you.

There you go, it's true. Therapy is expensive. That's why if you go to TalkSpace.com, promo code Tony, they do something really great for you. It's really unbelievable. That's right. You can, yeah, there you go. It's right there.

Click on that thing. Nope, go back down. Right there. Yeah. You get $80 off your first month, and you show your support for the show. That's right, promo code space80, talkspace.com slash Tony.

So thanks for bringing that up, Chen. Okay, so Chen, you've been on this show before. I remember you. I don't forget many transgendered Asian women that also appear to be Native American. Um... Tell us, how's life been going, Chen? Asian women that also appear to be Native American. Tell us, how's life been going, Chen? How long you been on standup now? Since September last year.

Another person that started in September of last year. Absolutely. September 4th. Okay, September 4th. Not to be confused with September 11th. Hey, look who's back. Shane Gillis bringing a six pack. Yeah.

So this is Chen. She's a transgender Asian woman. Oh, fuck. No, I'm just kidding. How's it going? Good. I remember you scared us. Bob Isis. That one was awesome. Thank you very much. I knew I liked you. Hell yeah. So Chen, tell us more about your life. What's been going on? So I think comedy is the best thing that happened to me recently because I don't know if you know about the Jim Carrey's movie where he

couldn't lie. Ever since I started doing comedy, I couldn't say no. So I have been- It's a different Jim Carrey movie. Does he put a mask on at the end of that? No, I'm just kidding. Are you also a pet detective? All right. I do love kidding. I'm just kidding. Are you also a pet detective? All right.

I do love pets. Yeah? You ever save a parrot from a tree? Okie dokie. What type of pet? Yeah. Huh? Well, what type?

Shane is the most obsessed with cats of anyone I've ever hung out with. Before the show he was just looking at pictures of cats and... I just, I also like dogs. I'm not... Yeah. Well, Chen, I do believe wishes he had a pussy, so this makes sense. Well, I...

Okie dokie. Uh, somehow that was the world's saddest, best transgender joke ever, and... I can't believe you just got that. I got audible awes from saying that a person that wishes they had a pussy, wished they had a pussy. Not here, not on this show, dude. That's fucked up. That's wrong. Yeah, all dicks here. Yeah, all dicks.

You have a penis. Yeah, I still have one. Are you really a transgender Asian? Yeah, I just don't wear it. No, it's just because usually they'd be lady boys, but you're more of like a skank man. Ha American accent that's extremely offensive. I say it with love. Nothing but love.

You can do it in American. This is every day at pool basketball at this house. Do it in American. Oh, you're fucked. I've got you. I don't call anybody that. I can do an American accent. I can do Shane's accent.

That's the one I've been doing. Do it. You suck. That's the one I've been doing. You suck. That's pretty good. You can't do our accent. America is number one. That's right. No, you fucking don't.

America. America. How do you say America? America. America. Fucking America, dude. Say it with some fucking respect. I love this country.

America. America. this country, America. America. We're number one. We're number one. We're number one. Hell yeah. We're number one. Ari Matty's from Estonia right now somewhere.

He's like, we're number 134. We are also NATO, so we also support your missile silos. Anti-air defence you place in Estonia. What else did I miss? How'd it go? I didn't hear. Would you say it went well? I missed it. Oh, I was just saying yes to everything. No, I meant the set. How'd the set go? I missed it. Oh, I was just saying I was saying yes to everything. No, no, no. I meant the set how the set go I missed it. Oh, oh, how did the set go? I think it was better than the first time I did it. All right, nice

That's that's all it takes. Yeah, just keep doing that Keep doing that. That's right. Chen. Oh remind us. What do you do for a living? I do IT for a bank Oh, okay Okay, and now you're totally unfi-rable. I don't know. I bet you may look, yeah, but all of a sudden everyone got real quiet around you. I love it. So Chen, you're, are you transitioning? Is that the terminology? Yes, I take hormones every day. Okay, so you're taking hormones like estrogen? Yes, and spherulactone to block testosterone. Okay.

I heard when you take those, you get a little horny. Horny comes differently now. Oh yeah, how's it coming now? Are you so horny? Well, me so horny, right? Have you been taking these hormones for a long time or short time? Does your dick get wet when you're horny? Like what happens? Red man asks an actual weird question.

We're all making fucking jokes here. Does your dick get wet? Do it with an Australian accent. Do it in an Australian accent. Let's see if it's funnier if you do it in Australian accent. Well, there's obviously a female already. Great job Red Band. Great job. So tell us more about this transition.

Okay. Okay. It does get wet. Wait. It does? It does get wet. Your dick gets wet? Yeah. I fucking told you guys. Holy shit! Red Band, our senior Asian transgender correspondent by the way that that sound bite I did was the guy

that died from a stingray saying okay well there's obviously a female around yeah very good and wait wait I kill your own momentum it's unbelievable so okay I don't even know where to begin here. When you say your dick gets wet, it like sweats when you get excited, when you get turned on? You know, you know the area where the, you know that- You talking about pre-cum, bro? No, no, no, no, no.

That shit rules. Everybody gets that. You know the area in your circumcision area? I didn't get the circumcision, but the area gets wet. That area gets that. Like, you know the area in your circumcision area? I didn't get the circumcision, but the area gets wet. That area gets wet? Yeah. I think that's just Shmugma. And the best part...

But the... If you take a shower, that goes away. So you're talking about the shaft of your penis. No. So you know how you have a dick, and then there a dick, then there's like the skin that goes around it. Well, it's that... The penis head? Yeah, like that neck area gets wet. The neck area?

Yeah. Holy shit, the gutter. I gotta be honest man, that's fucking disgusting. A neck. I have never heard of the neck before. I didn't realize... Can your dick go like this? Can it go... When it's being abused, yes. Okay. Whoa. Oh my god. You ever pull a Mike Tyson on somebody?

Yeah. Okay. So, Chen, what makes the neck of your dick get wet? Tell us what turns someone like Chen on. Believe it or not, despite being trans, I think heteroreal relationships are the best. So you're... What the... Hey!

Wait, why are you going through all this trouble if you're... Hold on, I'm confused. No, no, I'm okay with being either the guy or the woman in the relationship, but I don't... Like I don't do bi or gay. I agree, that's gross, that's wrong. Go ahead, Shane. No, no. No, ask that question. I want to know... I always like your questions about to be supportive dude. Yeah

Fucking go do whatever it gives a fuck. So when you say Hetero that means you're into women I'm into women and I'm into guys But if I'm into guys, I want to be the women in the relationship like right like I don't want to be like a guy-guy relationship right right D madness is losing his mind right now famous resident homophobe D madness he is not shy about he is literally madness by the way she's hot Just if that helps you. She's hot as fuck. Absolutely incredible.

So your most recent hookup, can you just give us an example of like what that was like and who that was with? Do you do that? Do you do one night stands? So I tried dating apps. It went really bad. That's why I downloaded Grindr.

And then I spent- Hold on, hold on. We don't need the Indiana Jones theme to this. And then I did a week of crazy sex. Okay, now let's just stop there for a second. Yeah, let's focus on that. Yeah, we're going to stick with the week of crazy sex. You found that person on Grindr?

Yes. And what was that? That was a man? Yeah. That treated you like a woman? Yes. So you like make him sandwiches and stuff or what? You like...

Oh, I do more than sandwiches. Okay tell us, tell us everything that you do. Tell us what a week long sex escapade with Chen is like. I feed you very well and we go to shows. Whoa. Sounds really nice. Yeah. What kind of shows?

Uh, he's into WWE so we've been to San Antonio and we've seen- Wait is this me? I thought it was LaMare. You ever meet LaMare? Alright. Might be able to set you up with somebody. Yeah. Yeah. LaMare would make your dick neck sweat.

So you met a guy on grinder, how does it start? Do you go to his place? He goes to yours I Do go to his place? Uh-huh, but he lives with his mom and siblings. Oh my god, so so it's really secretive Way more fun, dude. Oh, yeah, you two naughty fucks. That's way more fun, dude. Oh yeah, you two naughty fucks. That's way more fun. What grade is he in? Being like, oh, secret. Oh, he's actually a special eds teacher. Oh, thank God.

So. That teacher at the end was big. That was. That was. That was. That was. That was. That was.

That was. That was. That was. That was. That was. That was. So he's a special ed teacher. What does he tell his parents when you go to his house? Did he tell you like, oh, I just said we're going to play video games? No, everybody's asleep. So oh, you sneak in.

I know. I know. So do you go in the front door or do you take it in the back door? Both. Both. Wow. Incredible. Do you go in the front door or do you take it in the back door? Both both Wow Incredible so you go up to his room and you guys are quiet and sneaky No, once the doors close we get as loud as we want Wow Wow and

so Now let me ask you something because you're transitioning into being a woman. Can you use your penis? It gets hard? I mean, how do I put it? Is this okay that I'm asking this? Okay, good. I don't want to be fucking... It's one of those things where if you don't use it, you lose it. So every now and then I would use it because I don't want to lose it, not because I want

it. Right. Don't you want to lose it not because I want it you know right don't you want to lose it okay I thought those okay I meant that genuinely you're you actually hit a really good point because it is literally the greatest point ever that was the if the glove don't fit point of this interview. Because what happens is I did look into transition. You do want to lose it. That was amazing. But you're still jacking, jacking off's nice.

It is. It is. Yeah. Come on, man. You still got that dog in you. And... There is a little dog in you. But pretty much, if you look at the surgeries they have nowadays, it essentially creates a wound that's constantly closing. So I can't imagine my life.

I'm not well-off. Just to keep everybody posted, I just made eye contact with the physician's assistant and she went like this. She literally does not want me to bring her into this right now at all. Nice. And I just got the you are correct gun from her. It's okay Chen. It's like risky. It's risky these days.

Well risky is one like you can control your piss. That's like if you just randomly piss yourself that always sucks. I almost did. I believe. I love that you called it piss. But also imagine having to sit on a dildo for hours a day to stop it from like... Oh, I've thought about it. You have to do it for hours a day? Sit on a dildo?

You don't want the wounds to fall off. Now you're a girl. You gotta go home and sit on a dildo for hours a day. Congratulations. Why are you sitting on dildos? What are you talking about? No, because it's a wound that wants to heal. So you have to artificially keep the pussy big.

Oh, I see. Yeah. So I've done a lot of research myself under this topic. Oh. The slow microphone sit down after. Oh, shit. Chen, you are always one of the best interviews in the show. So where are we at with all this? What's the next move?

You're on the blockers and you're on the estrogen. What are you looking forward to the most in your transition? Honestly, I'm kind of happy the way I am because for me to become... There you go. Yeah. Must be nice, Jen. Must be nice. Because for me to actually move forward, my life has to change.

So I'm sort of waiting on my life to change before I can move forward with any of this. In what way are you waiting for your life to change? Like for instance like um well my the person I'm seeing after... Deep madness's angry scoffs are becoming more and more aggressive as this interview goes longer. A lot of you have no idea because he doesn't have a microphone in front of his face, but literally with every question, he's, Jesus fucking Christ. Son of a fucking bitch. It is like for real having my dad behind us like, the fuck?

Jesus Christ. Don't worry about the haters. Do you know? Yeah. You have to get that... Just so you know, angry sex is pretty good. Oh, yeah. Everybody knows that! Yeah, that's natural. Uh, so, yes, I know Red Band's pointing out that this interview has lasted 19 minutes. But Chen is so goddamn interesting. It's very, very... You already have a big jokebook, correct? Yes, I already have a big jokebook.

Absolutely. And you're putting it to good use, it seems. Oh, are we playing him off? Is that what we're doing? Okay. Oh, it's okay. Chen, any last words? I love everyone here. And comedy is the best thing that has happened to me thus far.

Fuck yeah, make some noise for Chen everybody! Hell yeah. It was Chen with a... hell yeah, absolutely. There goes Chen everybody. Yes. It's a firm handshake on that lady. Ooh, I smoke. All right.

Final bucket poll of the night, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Quinton Jones. Make some noise for Quinton Jones, everyone. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Aw, man, I'm happy to be here, man. I feel good, because I'm actually going through a breakup right now. And I don't really miss my ex, I just miss parts of the relationship. Like, I miss how we didn't use condoms that was a

real fun part of the relationship and now that I'm single I'm dealing with like this whole condom economy where you got like had a condom at the right time and showed at the right time and I don't think that's fair for guys because I believe that women hate condoms more than men like y'all do like thank you you can clap you know know, but... Because even the woman that wants you to use one, she doesn't want to see it until y'all about to do it. And I know that because on one of the first dates I went on,

I pulled my wallet out to pay, condom falls on the ground. And she caught an attitude with me. She was like, huh, what's that for? I'm like, it's for fucking what you think it's for. I don't understand why you acting so. What you think it's for? I don't understand. Why you acting so weird?

You think I carry around oily balloons to make you a dog? I don't understand. It's like women expect condoms to appear out of thin air. It's like you're about to have sex and they want to stop you. Be like, hey, do you have a condom? We got it.

But hell yeah, girl. It's been behind your ear the entire time Fuck yeah Quinton Jones What's up, Tom? Making his kill Tony debut. Yes. Yeah first day like first week in Austin man. Just got here. I love it. Hell. Yeah Where'd you come from? So I'm from Detroit, but I've done comedy. What up, Doe? What up, Doe?

I'm from Detroit. What up, Doe? I started comedy in Seattle. Are you talking to the pizza lady out there? What up, Doe? Hey, with the Dennis Rodman jersey, what up, Doe, man? Yeah. Oh shit, okay.

There's a fucking guy in a Pistons jersey right there. That Dennis Rodman jersey, that's a four time defensive player of the year, man. You can't disrespect these, man. Holy shit, alright, okay, you're Mexican, sit down. The old Detroit Mexican over there. A rare bird. A parrot in a tree, if you will. So Quinton, you just got here this week, here you are on the biggest comedy show in the

world. How long you been doing stand-up? Been doing it six years. Wow! Yep. All in Detroit that's where you're born and raised? No I started comedy in Seattle and y'all heard about Seattle and people there and uh... White people. And then New York and now here. Okay welcome welcome. You're already set up you have a place to live? No I'm staying on my friend's couch so So hopefully I find a place soon. That would be nice. No, that's how it starts.

What do you do for a living? So I'm a part-time software engineer. So I used to work for Microsoft, work for Nordstrom. Yeah, everyone says that. Like yeah, we coded Nordstrom kind of. My job was to like, the emails, when you buy something, we just keep harassing you. Yeah, that's my job, so.

Yeah, you got a software engineer. Yeah, that's right. Just bother people with emails. Is that what you wanna do for work? No, I wanna do this. Right. This is my dream, so, you know, love doing it, happy to be here, man.

Right. Right. Amazing stuff, Quinton. Tell us more about your life. What else are you into other than stand-up comedy? Other than stand-up comedy, wrestling. So I heard you say that in the back. I'm a big wrestling fan.

Shout out. Yeet! Okay, oh shit. All right, what up now? I love that. You know, so I'm a big wrestling fan, from Detroit, went to the University of Michigan. I was a cheerleader. Go Blue, we gonna beat y'all asses from here this year. You'll never win again. You'll never win again.

You cheated this year, it's over. Yeah, it's true. Didn't we beat y'all by like 31 Notre Dame? When? Oh, shit. 2019? Oh, okay. We beat the shit out of you. I was at the game we beat you 31 nothing. It's not a big deal. That's how it works. I was drunk on that one. I had amnesia. I was actually,

not that anyone cares. I was on stage. I was doing a show that game Notre in Michigan. Right before I went on stage it was like a close game. I came off it was like 31 nothing. Shit. I was devastated anyway. I knew that was a terrible thing to say no one cares, but it happens Yeah, that one's happening to me with a state Illinois. Oh, yeah, he's no high statement. We even we lost You're a star. Yeah, but he's in the road man both Buckeyes me and red So here's a fun thing I was actually a cheerleader at Michigan So here's a fun thing. I was actually a cheerleader at Michigan Red man right on cue

Completely making up for everything he said this entire episode With one button now you were right about that one thing. Yeah The dick sweat was incredible. And then you blew it. And then you blew it. But you were red. Wow, so you were throwing little white girls up in the air. Yes I was. Yes I was. Living MLK's dream, I think that was part of it.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. God damn Lutely. That is awesome. What year, what years were you there? So I cheered from 2013 to 2015. So I actually went to the shoe for Cardale when you guys won the Nattie, Cardale Jones. That's us.

Yeah, so he literally ran a touchdown to my face and said, oh Buckeyes bitch! And I was like damn bro, that's a lot. That's right. That's gotta be the worst time to be a male cheerleader. When a quarterback from the other teams like, what's up bitch? A six foot seven quarterback. You got a megaphone in your hand, like, ah. Dag, gummit.

Dude, I never thought about that. Another opposing player running to the sideline, seeing you, be like, it's all fake. That's devastating. The opposing player would run to the sideline, seeing you and be like, it's all fake. That's devastating. Shotgun Cardell Jones is a massive, massive, massive man. Didn't want to play school. Huh?

He said, that was his thing, he didn't want to play school. He didn't want to play school? Never mind. He was there to play football, not school. Oh, right. He didn't hit the play never mind. Yeah, we started to play football. Not school. Oh, right. Yeah, he didn't hit the books. Yeah Yeah, yeah, no doubt about it. What did you major in? software engineering computer science

Lovely lovely lovely lovely. All right. You also did I thought you're being pandering because he was black Okay, like oh, this is very nice. Is that what you do? You're a software engineer I was like, oh, this is very nice. Is that what you do? You're a software engineer? Well, no, I do more IT, system engineering. So you don't engineer anything, you just fix broken shit. Man, you send emails to people. We heard you.

Feels like Cardale scoring again, doesn't it? I love it. Quinton, what's your love life like? I'm single right now. Like I said, been single for about three, four months. Okay. I got off the apps because it was just like, I paid for the apps and then when I saw who liked me after paying for the apps, I was like, I got to do better. Right. Yeah, exactly. They can't tell you're funny on an app. No, they

can't. They can't. I tried myself and not great. But they always like, I want somebody to make me laugh. And they're like, left. There's nothing worse than getting a DM on an app that says I want to suck your dick and you click on the profile and it's Chen. I gotta be honest with you, I bet Chen goes hard. Oh yeah. Oh, no doubt about it. I bet Chen. Can you imagine, one of these nights that dad's gonna wake up to the sound of his son's head board in the middle of the night.

Son? What the? No! Red band has caught fire, ladies and gentlemen. Do it! I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday night. Hey! show Thursday night. Make some goddamn noise for Quinton Jones. His first week in Austin, Texas, and he's already working. Quinton Jones, ladies and gentlemen, just got booked on a real comedy show

here on Thursday night at the Secret Show. And now we've come to that part of the night where only one way we could possibly put a ribbon on this thing and that is with the living, breathing member of the Kiltoni Hall of Fame, an absolute legend, the record holder for all time appearances, all time interviews. He is the real deal, the big red machine, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed William Montgomery. -♪ Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo Did anybody else hear this? Aliyah wasn't wearing a seatbelt. You know with this old Palestine-Israel debacle, I heard somebody say what we need now more than ever is Jesus. And I feel like if Jesus were to descend from heaven, he'd be a little torn because on one hand, you have the guys who think if you commit jihad, you get 99 virgins in heaven. And on the other side, you got the guys

who sent you to heaven. Yeah, okay, computer. That is my impression of a sarcastic radio ad fan. That's a pretty good one, I think. All right. I asked my cousin, didn't you start an OnlyFans for your dog? And he said, it's a coyote, you dumbass. Okay, that's my time ending on that one. Fuck yeah.

William Montgomery coming in, guns a-blazing, looking better than ever, I must say. Thanks so much, I feel pretty good. I feel like Phoenix changed me a little. I was in Phoenix this past weekend. Do you actually have pierced nipples? Yeah, I got my nipples pierced in Phoenix this past week and they're really, they're super sore right now, but do you want to feel them, sir? I mean, they're really they're super sore right now but do you want to feel them sir I mean they're totally real no feel them dumbass you look like me kind of yeah they feel real right? They do look the same I've been getting that a lot

and they look the same I don't get it that a lot okay I can't really do I mean seeing it on you I'm gonna get a haircut now that I know. No, you look great. I'm gonna get a haircut Okay, I could do your fucking say what let's hear it. I'm a big retard Okay, I'll see y'all later no no no come on William Come on. I get my fucking nipples pierced I'm trying to fucking everybody tonight, and then we got the Australian fucking making fun of my fucking ass. You bet you sexually assaulted me. You got me to touch your swole puffy nipple. They look good. I want you to know they look good. Oh, thank you. That's all I was going for, so thanks.

Now, William, there's men in the audience yelling, show them. Maybe one. Yeah, maybe one. I'll just really quick, really quick. I was like, I was genuinely like, oh, no, dude. That's crazy. Yeah, that's good. All right. I'm glad. I'm glad we can still be friends.

I shouldn't have showed him. You just messed that up, you dumbass. In the Pistons jersey. Thank you, sir. Shut up. Yeah, yeah, thank you, sir. Okay. So William, now the shirt.

Now what made you wear the shirt tonight? It's very interesting. Because I thought I would just accentuate my nipples. I didn't really necessarily have another shirt that really could accentuate them and I've started doing a jazzercise thing and I wear this jazzercise but yeah I thought I wore it tonight. I thought it was... You're clapping for jazzercise, right, man? Would you like to explain that? Yeah, I don't think you like jazz or exercise, so this is all I used to make. I used to do jazz exercise, girl.

Oh. I haven't heard that word in a while. Yeah, I did too. I think your mom did jazz exercise. Oh. Yeah, I think she used to do that in the fucking 90s. Holy shit. She was looking tight back then, Red Band.

I don't know if you remember that, but. But yeah, Tony, I mean, it was, Phoenix was a lot of fun and got this stuff done. And actually, it's a miracle. I went to the dermatologist today and now I'm actually gonna get skin cancer again, but the lady thought it wasn't skin cancer, so I didn't have to go under the knife today.

Almost went under the knife today, so it's a miracle. We have a miracle on our hands, people. Luckily, we have a physician's assistant here who... Have you dealt with skin cancer before? Yeah, would you like to come up and give a close look to William Montgomery's face? Come on up, come on. Here she comes, everybody, a real physician's assistant.

You've been hearing her reference throughout the night. Here she comes, everybody, a real physician's assistant. You've been hearing her reference throughout the night. Here she comes. Everybody's standing up the wrong direction, holding her up, just setting picks and blocking her. This is incredible. How many of you love physician's assistants? Is she coming? Let's see what she says, Tony.

Again, I don't know. The woman could be wrong, but see what she says, Tony. Again, I don't know. The woman could be wrong, but... Here she comes, everybody! No, don't kiss her. Normally people are kissing up here. Oh, yeah, right here. All right, so she's looking at it. She's looking at it.

Give her the microphone. A little liquid nitrogen might help talking give her the microphone liquid nitrogen might help oh a little liquid nitrogen nitrogen thank God thank you huh you know I said thank God you can kiss I was trying to support you you're so eager to turn on everyone with your fucking nasty ass nipples well who I am who I am. I feel saucy tonight. I feel why you so salty. I saw you checking out your Started playing Pokemon. I'm not fucking I've never played Pokemon in my life and I got Tony I got to you might not like this Tony

But I got a Gameboy and it has all the Pokemon games and I have been fucking when I went to Phoenix I'm a level 50 something It's the one that looks I went to Phoenix, I'm a level 50 something, it's the one that looks like a smoke cloud. I'm a level 50 smoke cloud right now. It's ghastly. By the way, D. Madness was impressed by level 50. You go, I'm level 50, he goes, oh shit. Ha ha ha.

Physicians assistant, one more time, do you think it's cancerous or do you just think you burn it off with liquid nitrogen no matter what? I am not going to be held responsible for any medical decisions here. I think you should get burned off with some liquid nitrogen. I don't know. I'm from Canada, so I have no... Oh, she's a Canadian physician's assistant.

Physicians here anyway, so... Is that why you have that bad body odor up here? Is that coming from you or from the fucking Australian guy? How about I... What's your name, Physicians Assistant? My face stinks up here. Let me smell. Had a loose fringe.

Woo! Goodness me. What's your name? Woo! How about I in for Megan, everybody? There she goes. Give her a gel blaster, will you? Take a gel blaster back to Canada with you.

I'm kidding. Why you says a nest? I'm kidding. You're such a you. I'm kidding! Why are you such a nasty? I'm kidding! You're such a nasty. I'm kidding! I don't think you are kidding. I don't think you are kidding! I am.

You're being a nasty bitch tonight, William. Well, whatever. Sometimes I'm allowed to be that way if I feel that way. I feel that way tonight. Who hurt you? Huh? Are your parents divorced? What happened? Are they what? Can? Are your parents divorced? What happened?

Are they what? Can you say that word again? He fucking got me! Shit! He asked if your parents are divorced. No, they're still together. My dad actually, it's a bad thing going on at the Montgomery household right now. Tell us about it.

My father, Larry has freaking five cats ever since we all moved out of the house. They're empty nesters. Larry has five cats and I guess one of the cats had five more babies. So there are ten feral cats living in my parents house right now and my brother and his wife refused to let their their daughter, my parents' grand granddaughter, come over to the house. So it's this giant, I was playing mediator today. They said get rid of all ten cats and I said well They should be allowed to keep the two original cats So I think we're there I think they're gonna be allowed to keep two original cats so things are looking up

Yeah, I felt things are looking better. It's amazing to know that in the Montgomery family. You're the mediator That's fucking incredible fun. It literally that happened today I talked about both parties. You think your dad's ever going to stop collecting cats? Oh no, I think he loves it too much. I think he's never going to stop doing that! William, anything you want to promote or anything like that? Just Pokemon, smoke character, level 50.

But yeah, when this goes out, Miami and Canada. British Columbia, Canada! It's some other places. Is there a city in Canada, or just the entire huge mass of Canada? I think it's on the left-hand side, if you're looking at the map. Vancouver? Vancouver?

Yes, Vancouver, yes. There you go, Vancouver. Left-hand side, yeah, Vancouver. And then check my website, it's Camsofunny with two O's. I'm kidding. Make some goddamn noise for William Montgomery. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in.

It is absolutely incredible. Let's check out what did Chris Rogers draw tonight. Oh, Drew Nickens Oh, yeah, make some noise for James McCann his first time on the show an unbelievable fucking debut The James Donald Forbes McCann catamaran plan is out there now everywhere. How about one more time for the Golden Goat Austin's Own Shane Gillis everybody. This episode was brought to you by Shopify. Make some noise for the best damn band in the land. Red band. If you ever watch Tires on Netflix, please do. I love you, sir.

They're watching Tires, it's huge. I love you. We love you. Go re-watch Tires. Go re-watch Tires. Let's get it back to number one. Even if you're not watching it. We love you guys.

Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. Fire! Fire, fire, fire, fire The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you Is it possible for Popeyes to make boneless wings even better? You betcha! Popeyes has done it again, with 5 bold tastes y'all are gonna love! No bones about it!

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