KILL TONY - #679 - MATT RIFE

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch go to DeathSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Red Bank coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas

Starting point is 00:00:49 for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Fuck yeah! Welcome everybody, how we fucking feeling tonight, huh? This is Kill Tony brought to you by Squarespace Draft King, Zippercruter, Shopify, and Hymns. Make some noise for Red Band, everybody.

Starting point is 00:01:29 Hey! And how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, John Dees, and D. Madness on the bass guitar. We are here. It is all happening. Amazing show for you. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

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Starting point is 00:02:58 You guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, it's a one guest night tonight. This is a comedian who I've wanted on the show for a ridiculously long time. I remember meeting him about 13 years ago when he was a young buck opening up for the great late great, one of my old best friends, Ralphie May. And now I can say, in all honesty,

Starting point is 00:03:26 truly one of the biggest standup comedians in the fucking world has a brand new world tour, his second global tour coming out, and the newest special on Netflix. I present to you, you are here for the Kill Tony debut of Matt Wright! Boom! Yes! The man, the myth, the young legend, Matt Wright has joined the fold here, live on kill Tony

Starting point is 00:04:09 We are gonna have some fucking fun tonight Me this one doesn't anyone you want there we go figure. Oh awesome. Yeah, everybody. I was cool Good to see you guys dude. This is awesome. Thanks for having we're gonna have a blast I've wanted to do this forever Lucid is out now on Netflix the new world tour going out for sale right now Matt right official Calm you're doing it buddy. You're living the goddamn American dream finally dude. Yeah, I was 16 That's so creepy Unfucking believable it is he's also my mom's favorite comedian my mom She's got great taste 77., I mean she tastes great. 77.

Starting point is 00:04:48 Oh, you son of a bitch. You ate a 77 year old pussy out? Jesus Christ. 77? 77, dude. Ah, damn. Okay. But you met her when she was 60.

Starting point is 00:05:00 Prime. 65. Yeah, exactly. She was like smoking cougar. She's still in Youngstown? Yeah. Yeah, you don't really leave. 60. Yeah, exactly. She was like smoking Cougar. She's still in Youngstown? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:09 You don't only leave. No, no. If you stay in Youngstown this long, you're stuck there. Yeah. I'm going to go back barrier soon. It's going to be great. Oh, that's depressing. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:05:17 No, it'll be there. Yeah. It'll be great. You're going to fuck her to death. It's going to be great. She literally has a cocktail napkin that you signed after that show. She got it framed. I remember the phone call.

Starting point is 00:05:29 She was the only show she ever went to because I was so close with Ralphie Mae. And fucking she goes, because all she knew was the comedy store at the time. I mean, that's all there is. No one's going to shows in Youngstown. But she saw you open for Ralphie at that show. She was a guest of Ralphie May and you blew her fucking mind.

Starting point is 00:05:48 Oh, she's been on the show. She's been on panel. She's done a set on the show. Oh, yeah. She's a legend, perhaps even a future Kill Tony Hall of Famer. Who knows? There we go. And and she framed that fucking cocktail napkin and told me that day that next day. I remember she goes, I'll tell ya, the kid that opened for him is a fucking star, he's gonna be a star, Tony.

Starting point is 00:06:09 I go, who are you, who in the world are you fucking talking about? What do you possibly know? And she has that cocktail napkin, still framed on a dresser with all this fucking shit. That's so cute. Which goes to show, hinge cliffs are geniuses. Matt Wright, first time on to show, Hinchcliffs are geniuses. Matt Wright, first time on the show.

Starting point is 00:06:27 Let me explain to you, there's over 300 people that signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. 300 fucking pieces of paper in this mamajamma. They're all piled in across the street at a bar called Poor Choices. If I pull one of the names out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear,

Starting point is 00:06:49 which interrupts them. I conduct an interview, we meet them all together, and the whole thing's improvised, anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Let's start it with one of our esteemed regulars, ladies and gentlemen, this guy, an absolute legend of kill Tony we met him when he was sleeping in his van doing open mics all around the world

Starting point is 00:07:11 he couldn't stop doing open mics up to four or five six a night now he's one of the highest ticket-selling comedians in America this is a brand new minute sing it if you know the words. This is Hunskip. This is Hunskip. This is Hunskip. This is Hunskip. This is Hunskip. Hey.

Starting point is 00:07:34 What's up? I can't believe there's a woman running for president right now. Is this a fucking circus? They just got the right to vote, now they wanna run the whole thing. Not on my watch. Kamala, more like Ka-blah-blah.

Starting point is 00:07:56 What is this bitch shrieking about? But yeah, I don't think anyone wants to hear women talk. I think we just wanna to... No, seriously. I think we just want to hear the air moving around their tits. God I fucking hate women. What they're racist to Asian guys. Women want a strong, confident American man that's gonna attack Iraq twice for no reason.

Starting point is 00:08:30 They don't want a cunning, careful Asian boy that's gonna pick the right harbor. Thank you. Wow, Hans Kim with a very punchy set. Hans Kim with a very punchy set. Wow. What a way to get the show started, Hans Kim. Thank you, Tony. Wow. Amazing.

Starting point is 00:08:53 A very woman-hating set. Are you trying to win over all the incels in your Instagram comments right now? Incels! All right. We're a shy bunch. Do you have a girlfriend? Yes. You do? Yeah. She's in Europe right now for three weeks going to bars and drinking. Where in Europe? She was in Budapest, she was in Amsterdam, she was

Starting point is 00:09:21 in Ibiza. Oh people people cheat in Ibiza. Yeah probably someone very beautiful someone with beautiful eyes like you. I'll kiss you on your mouth dog shut up. She's not here who's gonna tell her. Hans weeks without a girlfriend and here you are flirting with Matt Rife. Wait, how long is she going for? Three weeks? Three weeks. She's going to get back and you're going to have fucking Lego hands. It's a long time to be single. You're being in a relationship.

Starting point is 00:09:54 Thank you, Matt. Matt thinks this is how big my cock is. That's the whole thing. No, it's the actual size of a Lego man's hands. It's that big is what he's saying. What have you been doing to please yourself during this time? We know you are a sex addicted, masturbating machine. What's been going on with your hans?

Starting point is 00:10:15 What have those, have you been keeping your hans to yourself? Yeah, my hans has been on my hans. The fuck does that mean? My Hans has been on my Schwans. Uh... Just workshopping, but, um... Have you been watching porn or something? A lot of porn.

Starting point is 00:10:36 What kind of porn? Have you been in anything wild lately? What's new for Hans? I love Japanese massage porn. Whoa. They trick a bitch. Uh... How does that work exactly? What is Japanese massage porn. Whoa. They trick a bitch. How does that work exactly? What is Japanese massage porn?

Starting point is 00:10:50 Usually the husband is within ear shot. Like physically? Yeah. In ear shot? And then they just start touching her. And then it just goes crazy. So he just watches this go down? Sometimes, yeah. It's like a photo shoot. Like this is a fashion shoot. Crazy. So he just watches this go down? Sometimes, yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:05 It's like a photo shoot. Like, this is a fashion shoot. And then they're like, she's fucking another dude. So he cucks it the entire time. I've never understood the cuck situation. Leave. Yeah. Get out of there.

Starting point is 00:11:19 Yeah, she's not into you, dude. Right. She's not the one. What is it for you, Hans, that turns you on, watching a man, watching a girl, having sex with another man? I just love seeing a normal person then have sex, because I don't know how to do that. So I just want to learn how to get from normal to sex.

Starting point is 00:11:40 From normal to sex. Sorry, guys. That's a real live apology from Hans Kim. You don't get that very often and... The Asian massage porn, do they do the full massage? Do you have to watch an hour? No, I fast forward and... Okay, all right. He's a good man. They're usually quick to the point. It's also mad if they ruined my massage. It's also pixelated, though.

Starting point is 00:12:07 You can't even see anything in Japanese. Is that true? Are you watching pixelated Japanese porn? Yeah. Yeah. Now, what is it about that? Why are you watching the Japanese version of this when you could possibly be watching just American cuck porn? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:22 Because Japanese are, like, seducing and tricking and all that, and Americans are just like just doing it. It's just like, it's kind of boring. I like the process. Everyone hates me. Absolutely incredible, Hans. Amazing stuff. It's kind of sad. It is. I know. It's kind of sad.

Starting point is 00:12:45 It is, I know. It's fun. He's that guy. He is that guy. Hans is going to hang himself with a green belt. Karate. That is a karate joke, no doubt about it. Woman president, this is all true. Have you heard this week that she's drunk all the time? This is a new thing that I've... That makes sense. I don't know if it's just coming up on my Twitter feed.

Starting point is 00:13:08 It's like wine mom drunk, you know, the soccer mom. Yeah, and it kind of makes sense. It seems like that could possibly be true. It explains a lot. Have you heard this theory? No, this is the first time, thank you. Yeah, there's leaks coming out of her camp that she's drunk all the time,

Starting point is 00:13:21 which would now win from now on when you see her and all the videos of her speaking makes perfect sense. Breaking news. The person who's in second place on all the polls to be president seems to be drunk all the time. But you know, I mean, it's up for us to decide when you hit the polls in November who you want. You know what I mean? No big deal. It's all your choice. Hans, are you going to vote? Can you vote? Yeah, I can vote.

Starting point is 00:13:54 Not near a school, but I can vote. Hansi, you're a great, great person to get the show started. You did it again with a punchy new minute. Thank you you guys. There he goes, the great Hans Kim. And now to the bucket we go. As you know, this is where shit gets crazy. This is where we discover new comedians.

Starting point is 00:14:15 It's where we find crazy people. Anything can happen. These people wait all day for this. Their odds are literally one in 300. And here we go. It begins with the comedy stylings of Ben Williams. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Ben Williams. Here he is.

Starting point is 00:14:34 ["Best of the Best"] I hope y'all doing good, man. Cause I'm not. Cause somebody backstage, he called me Wilvin the Great, AKA D's Nuts Guy. Ha! Got him.

Starting point is 00:14:51 You know. And that made it worse, because yesterday, this dude, he got mad because I didn't give him a dollar. So he called me a great value Deja Pelle. I was like, I'm broke, nigga, I'm broke. And that's crazy, because if Deja Pelle heard that, he would probably be like, that's not like, I'm broke, nigga, I'm broke. And that's crazy, because if Deja Pelle heard that, he would probably be like, that's not something I would say. But that's Austin for you, man.

Starting point is 00:15:13 Like they say, keep Austin weird, I say keep it the fuck away from me. This dude, he asked me, can he borrow my lighter. So I give him the lighter. This motherfucker start burning himself with it. I get further down the street, this dude, he got his shirt off, he got garbage bags around his hand, he beating the fuck out this tree. And I just wanted to know, like,

Starting point is 00:15:33 what was the root of the problem? I'm pretty sure everybody heard the news about Donald Trump getting shot. And it wasn't news to me, because in my neighborhood, everybody gets shot. My dad got shot, and nobody cared. Not even me. And I'm the one who shot him.

Starting point is 00:15:54 Thank y'all, Ben Williams, thank y'all so much. There you go, minute 15 from Ben Williams. You've been on this show before, Ben. Yes, sir, it's my fourth time. Fourth time, that's right. I couldn't possibly forget a smile like that that you have. Those teeth are really something else.

Starting point is 00:16:12 That's a bad ass vest you got on too, man. Oh, thank you, we're complimenting each other. This is great, we're going tit for tat on compliments. He wants a vest for when you drown in that pussy. That's right, and so that you don't shoot me. It's bulletproof. And a flotation device. I love how you laugh like you're crying.

Starting point is 00:16:33 Has anyone told you that, that you look like you're crying when you laugh? No, you're the first. Well there you go. You're the first dude. Absolutely, it's all happening here tonight. Ben, I noticed you kept glancing at me to see if I was laughing throughout your set. In between each joke, you glanced at me. Tell me why you did that.

Starting point is 00:16:49 Nah, I wasn't glancing at you. You must have been looking at me. I was. I was looking at you. You are correct. You like what you see. I'm currently hosting the show, and you realize there's video cameras everywhere that will have you glancing at me in between the jokes.

Starting point is 00:17:05 I'm not wrong. No, I was looking at that dude, man. He look cool. Yeah. Nope. Nope. Literally, we made eye contact every time. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:14 I even saw you out of my peripheral when I was taking a note glance in between jokes when you weren't glancing at me. It's all on record. I was looking at Matt, dude. I was not looking at you. Yeah, I was looking at Matt. Nope. Again, I know I used to be a little dumpier. I was looking at this sexy motherfucker right here. I was looking at you dude. Nope again I know I used to be a little

Starting point is 00:17:25 umpire. I know what I'm seeing. You weren't looking at Matt you were looking right at me. So now. He's jealous guys. He's jealous. It's enough for me to go around. It's okay guys. That's true. Yeah there's enough teeth for everyone. It is very amazing. Have you ever been to a dentist, Ben? Yes, I've been to a dentist. What do they say when they see those things? What do they say? They say I have a great smile.

Starting point is 00:17:58 They have to say that. Before or after 9-11. And that's Redman, everybody. Redman's here tonight for a little comic relief. Would you like to explain that or are you just going to let that one? Give him one more. Give him one more. The tennis, was it before or after 9-11? That long ago. Never mind. Oh the dentist. There you go. To the dentist. There you go. 2001.

Starting point is 00:18:26 Got it. There it is. There it is. Even Ben looks confused over there. It's like, what the fuck? No, I'm the little bit. I got that Joe Biden over there. I don't know what's going on real bad.

Starting point is 00:18:35 Today's Thursday. It's Thursday. Oh my goodness. I love it. How long you been on standup? Today's Thursday! It's Thursday! Oh my goodness. I love it. How long you been on stand up? It's been a year and three months now.

Starting point is 00:18:51 Okay. Yes. Good shit. Yeah. What do you do? The first time I did this was four months. First time I got on, I had been doing this four months. So, a big chunk of that been in Austin, Texas.

Starting point is 00:19:02 Shout out to you weird motherfuckers. Where are you from originally? I'm from Galveston. Gal in Austin, Texas. Shout out to you weird motherfuckers. Where are you from originally? I'm from Galveston, Texas. It's like outside of Houston. Still Texas, yeah. It's three hours away. But where I'm from, don't nobody go nowhere. My mom was like, you on your own.

Starting point is 00:19:17 It's three hours away. She'll never come here to see me. I'm sorry. What do you do for work? For work, I do day labor. What kind of day labor? Doing day labor. That's how you pick up trash sometimes like off the highway. That how you doing certain construction jobs.

Starting point is 00:19:30 Is this community service? No, it's not community service. It's work for hire. It's work for hire. You do like stand outside of a Home Depot or something? Yeah, I work with a lot of Hispanics people. Shout out to my Hispanic population. So you do stand outside of it? Yeah! Okay, that's a way to get the crowd on your side. When shouting out Austin doesn't work,

Starting point is 00:19:49 just go right for the Hispanics. 100% of the time, there are a lot of them, and they continue to reproduce absolutely nonstop. It is a real problem. Do the right thing in November when you hit the polls. So Ben, do you literally stand outside of a Home Depot like with those people? Kind of right? Sometimes? No I don't.

Starting point is 00:20:14 I don't stand outside of a Home Depot. So how do you get work as a day laborer? I'm just curious. Okay, they have a lot of places you can go to do day labor and stuff. To go to places. Like what kind of places? Like and such as? Oh, sorry.

Starting point is 00:20:29 Damn, this is one of them things I'm going to get off stage like, they'll hit you in the fucking head. But like, oh. What? No one's going to hit you. I promise no one's going to hit you. No, no one's going to hit you. Like people ready. I can't think of the name of the place. That's what I'm saying. It's gonna hit you. I promise no one's gonna hit you. No, no one's gonna hit you. Like people ready.

Starting point is 00:20:45 I can't think of the name of the place. That's what I'm saying. It's like the- It's like the marketplace. It's like the, I know the building. You know how you get here? They were like, you looking for jobs? They're like, they do day labor here.

Starting point is 00:20:53 Man, it's like pulling teeth up here with you. I gotta tell you. It is unbelievable. It is incredible. What do you do for fun, Ben? Oh, I do for fun. Like I like to do music. I love animals. What kind of music. What do you do for fun, Ben? Oh, I do for fun. I like to do music. I love animals.

Starting point is 00:21:06 What kind of music? What do you mean by music? What do you mean when you say you like to do music? What does that mean exactly? Right, music. I rap. You rap? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:21:15 All right. How many of you want to hear Ben give us a little rap right now? He could not even remember where he works a minute ago, and now he's going to freestyle rap for us. Fuck that job. This should be interesting. Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Willis. Fuck that job. I'm my own boss, never take a loss, got big teeth,

Starting point is 00:21:33 but yeah, I floss, bad hoes, and I keep it real. I might pull my dick out and put it on her grill. What's my name? They call me Ben Will. And y'all know every day that I'm finna kill. This is Kill Tony. This the best show. And if you don't like this shit, you a fucking ho. Oh, my God!

Starting point is 00:21:53 Oh, my God! Wow! The crowd goes wild. Oh, shit. I'm calling Nick Cannon immediately. Oh, my God. That was amazing. Open with that. That's crazy.

Starting point is 00:22:21 A full celebration afterwards. You lifted up your shirt for a second. Looking like burnt Christmastime. That's crazy. A full celebration afterwards. You lifted up your shirt for a second, looking like burnt Chrysler. That was a good one. That was a good one. You did good, Ben. Did you get a big joke book ever on any of these times?

Starting point is 00:22:37 I did. I did. I did. You did? Hey, Ben, I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. There you go. He just got booked for a real comedy show. There he goes ladies and gentlemen, Ben Williams. This is Kill Tony. And our next bucket pull, anything can happen. The show is cooking. Make some noise for Heidi everybody. We're here. We are live.

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Starting point is 00:24:11 Hey, I'm Roy. And I'm Maul. And we're the hosts of the new Roy and Maul podcast. That's right. I know you're probably listening to a podcast that you actually like right now, and we just interrupted it with an ad. That's all right, we're here.

Starting point is 00:24:22 And I appreciate if you didn't hit the 15 second skip button. Listen to our show where we cover topics like music, movies, TV shows, which we love to binge watch. Of course, just lifestyle stuff. And give off crazy stories about our day to day lives. Check us out on the New Rory Mall podcast, listen to wherever you get your podcast and let us know how you're feeling about our show.

Starting point is 00:24:43 And once you're done listening to this podcast that you actually like, maybe you could check us out. We are live and your next comedian getting the opportunity of a lifetime goes by the name of Austin Ingalls, everybody. Austin Ingalls. Here we go. Thanks for Austin, everyone. How are we doing everybody I

Starting point is 00:25:08 Followed Ben dozens of times. He's never gotten a fucking pop like that before. Holy shit. That's impressive Wow I didn't think anything would ever be as awkward as my dad handed me my first condom that Experiences nothing compared to what happened the other day. I was over my friend's house as I was leaving to hand to me boner pills Blue choose to be exact. He said, these blue shoes are the greatest thing ever. They always work. I said, yeah, why do you think I'm leaving? You're hard right now.

Starting point is 00:25:32 I just hate when those commercials say if your erection lasts longer than four hours, you gotta go see a doctor. Great, now I have to go fuck him too. I have a friend who's a doctor and every year he offers me free prostate exams, and I should take him up on it, but he's an optometrist. No wonder I keep getting pink eye.

Starting point is 00:25:56 From the Midwest, so I'm from a small blue collar family. My mom was especially blue collar, even a little red neck, only because my dad couldn't stop choking her. Thank you everybody, I'm Austin Ingalls. Give yourselves a hand. Austin Ingalls. Did you say give yourself a hand? I might've, I'm a little fucking yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:18 Yeah. Yeah. You're in it right now. This is your first time on the show. Oh yeah. Welcome, how long you been doing standup? About three years. Three years. Where at? Yep. Illinois originally then I moved here like two months ago. You say Illinois which would imply that it's not exactly Chicago.

Starting point is 00:26:33 Peoria, Illinois. Oh Peoria. Like 45 minutes. The birthplace of both Sam Kennison and Richard Pryor. Yep. Amazing. And then there's you. Oh how the mighty have fallen. I set myself up for that. Yeah, no, I actually just came up with it. You didn't really set yourself up. I asked you a question. You gave me the information that I made that joke. You set, yeah, nothing up. I did that.

Starting point is 00:26:58 Austin, you live in Austin now? Yep. For how long? Two months. Two months, do you love it yet? I do, I'm a door guy at Maggie Mays. Oh nice. Right across the street. Nice. They're doing a little bit of comedy over there too right? Yep. Just had a set there and then ran off stage and heard my name got called so. Boom.

Starting point is 00:27:16 Welcome to Austin. Austin. Appreciate you. Absolutely. And I love it. You work there. You make a living? Yeah, yeah. You're able to survive, what's your living situation? Well, I have two roommates in Pflugerville, so I got a little bit of a drive. Ooh, boy oh boy. Yeah. How far is that?

Starting point is 00:27:34 The P is silent, Matt. If you ask someone from Pflugerville, they'll tell you 15 minutes, but it's really 26 minutes. That's actually exactly fucking true, yeah. Austin, why are you so surprised at my control and masterful execution? I know, it's 26 minutes. Matt, what do you think about this young buck? Oh, dude, you're funny, man.

Starting point is 00:27:58 The redneck joke was fucking hilarious. I haven't heard a good, like, original white trash abuse joke in a very long time. Appreciate that. You should start your Netflix special with one. Hahaha. That's my best advice. Best possible advice. I'm not going to lie to you.

Starting point is 00:28:12 I lied. Right when your Netflix special came out, I was like headlining in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, and I said you were going to be there. And like six girls came and they're like, where's Matt? So thanks. Only six? Only six. I fell off. Damn. Yeah. like six girls came and they're like where's Matt and so thanks only six

Starting point is 00:28:25 I fell off. Hopefully things pick up soon for you Matt. What do your roommates do? What do my roommates do? One of them is a comic too and then the other one is in like tech and shit so he doesn't do comedy. How does the other comic make money? I Don't know I fucking hear him like I've heard him like three times miss his fucking alarm So I close at Maggie's at like three and then I hear him at 6 a.m. Oh fuck I've heard it like four times just missing his alarm So I think he works at a restaurant, but I couldn't tell you Tony okay. Yeah, like the tech guys just claiming them as dependents Yeah, the tech guy is also our landlord so yeah, you're probably not fucking wrong. Yeah

Starting point is 00:29:09 With your landlord. I didn't agree to that when I moved here. So uh, wow. Yeah, you live with the Lord Yeah, good that it's packed into a little manger. Yeah. Yeah, I love it. How are you 30? Fuck? Yeah No, I'm Yeah, yeah. I love it. How old are you? 30. Fuck. Yeah. Okay. No, I'm about to be 30. What the fuck's that mean? I don't have a beard, so that's why I was upset. It's not great. I have blonde hair and a red fucking beard,

Starting point is 00:29:32 so I don't like it. Yeah, what's up with that? I don't know. I couldn't tell you. That's interesting. I know who he's voting for. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah, for sure.

Starting point is 00:29:44 Someone could use a tax break. Anyway, what do you do for fun? Just comedy pretty much. Like I said, I'm new here. So, yeah. Other than comedy, do you have any hobbies or anything like that? I mean, even Ben with the teeth. Have I what?

Starting point is 00:30:01 Sorry. Ben with the teeth had the ability to rap. Oh yeah, I've heard his sets before. It's not, usually doesn't go like that pop. You mentioned that. You took literally 15% of your set to mention that Ben never does that good. You really threw him under the back of the bus there. I feel good about it.

Starting point is 00:30:21 Aww. Fuck yeah. Okay. So there must be some hobby. I love smoking weed. I love taking mushrooms. You know, just the classic. What do you like to do when you do those things? Well, back home there was like a lot of trails and shit.

Starting point is 00:30:36 I haven't found them here yet. I'm sure there's a bunch in Austin and Flint. There are a lot of trails here in Austin. It's a fully developed place. So yeah, I haven't traveled a lot outside, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah do believe it's called, that I've been to before. Oh, the one Hans is gonna hang himself on? Yeah. Oh, fuck. Yes.

Starting point is 00:31:08 Yes. Wow. That worked out. God damn, I don't know how that organic callback happened. That was incredible. The very rare accidental callback. I'll take it. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:31:23 Thanks, dog. One person. I feel like I'm Absolutely. Thanks, dog. One person. I feel like I'm missing something about you, Austin Ingalls. There's something, something I can't quite put my, what's your love life like? Um, um, it's actually great working at Maggie Mays. The drunk women literally just fucking flock to you. So, I've gotten laid alone three times on that.

Starting point is 00:31:40 Wow. Have you ever had sex with a sober woman before? Yes. Yes. Wow, so have you ever had sex with a sober woman before Yes, yes But give us an example like when you say they come out they stumble like name, um you want me to name my girlfriend No, I mean my ex is fuck no yeah, I screw yeah, we don't need names No, okay, do you have any special moves in the bedroom or anything like that? Do you ever give them the... What color are your pubes, by the way? Blond top, red beard, I'm guessing purple pubes.

Starting point is 00:32:11 They're a little orange tint to them, but I like to keep it trim. Man-scape. Gross, I'm a fucking ginger beard. Absolutely unbelievable. Yeah. Like a cork. Yeah. For the damn line. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:32:27 Little orange hairs. Look at you. Yeah, cute. Like a whole produce section at a grocery store over here. A whole citrus area. I love it, Austin. Yeah, like three years ago, I saw you guys, you and Red Band at Vulcan.

Starting point is 00:32:42 You guys are doing a secret show. So it's pretty crazy. It's like three years of the day, so pretty wild. Unbelievable. Yeah, I know. I've been doing comedy for 17 years. I could have said anything. You marked the date?

Starting point is 00:32:53 I mean, you got Snapchat memories and shit, right? They just pop up. No, you're 30. You should. You're supposed to have Facebook memories, dude. God damn it. Well, welcome to the show, Austin. You're out doing the hustle in Austin tonight. Here's a little joke book. Take that.

Starting point is 00:33:12 Thank you. And sign up again. We'll see you again. Austin Ingalls, ladies and gentlemen. You know, we've been all over the world. And we were in, I do believe, Portland, Oregon, about maybe four, five, six years ago, and we gave away one of our first ever golden tickets to a man, funny man, and he's here. He flew in today.

Starting point is 00:33:34 Here with the new 60 seconds, I present to you golden ticket winner, Todd Royce, ladies and gentlemen, the return of Todd Royce. Fuck yeah. I've been married for 17 years. And when you're together for a long time like that, you want to start doing new things in bed. Like she's learned she should definitely be on top.

Starting point is 00:33:58 But we try new things now. Like I try to be more romantic. She's trying to fuck black guys. things now like I try to be more romantic she's trying to fuck black guys the other the other night she asked me to choke her you can't choke your wife of 17 years because you might not stop we uh we don't have any children I don't know what I could possibly teach a kid. I don't know anything about science or history or portion control. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:34:33 I do know that if I had a kid, I would teach them that no matter what they identify with, they don't have to conform to all of the rules of that group. Like someone who's like, oh, I'm a white liberal, but I don't have to use race in every conversation I have. Or someone who's like, I'm trans, but I don't have to be fucking annoying about it. Or, I'm Catholic, and I'm not even attracted to children. Thank you, guys. Todd Royce.

Starting point is 00:35:02 That's a golden ticket winner. Great jokes. Thanks man. The whole way through just as always as you've always done before, Todd. Thank you Tony. Absolutely, much like the show, you are bigger than ever. I am a large man.

Starting point is 00:35:18 I am a very large man. You were asking him what color his pubes are. I don't know. You were asking him what color his pubes are. I don't know. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Maybe you can tell me later, Tony. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch.

Starting point is 00:35:34 Oh, Heidi's doing the drums with that, you traitor. This is treason. Oh, you've turned my own people against me. Oh, my goodness gracious. How's it going, Todd? It's going great, man. I got a new podcast. I'm throwing that out there right now.

Starting point is 00:35:52 If anybody wants to follow that, subscribe to that. What do you do, review food? I do. It's called the Sweet Potato Pod. And it really is, yeah. Is it really? Yeah, it is. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:36:04 That's so fitting. Yeah, well, listen, I'm a health nut and I like... Yeah. So fitting, just like your massive clothing. I'm wearing my skinny jeans. Yep. Yep, absolutely. Look at you, you are just a big old boy. I'm just a big old boy.

Starting point is 00:36:25 I'm just, you know, I was here a month ago and I lost two, well, I've lost one pound since then. So come on. Wow, amazing. Getting there? Amazing, slow and steady. Even D. Mattis can see how light I am now. Wow.

Starting point is 00:36:42 Nope. Yep. So remind me, what do you do for work again? Just this actually now. I'm just doing comedy. Look at that. Good time? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good shit dude.

Starting point is 00:36:54 Yeah. That's gross. Seven people are applauding, everyone else is like, really? Yeah. No, it is amazing. Yeah. It's a full time job.

Starting point is 00:37:02 Yeah, it really is. I've got a bunch of shows in Las Vegas. I'm actually working with Hans Kim there. Oh wow. It is amazing. Yeah. It's a full-time job. Yeah, it really is. I've got a bunch of shows in Las Vegas. I'm actually working with Hans Kim there in October. I'm doing Skank Fest in September. Oh, hell yeah. I'm doing Boston in November. If anybody...

Starting point is 00:37:16 Look at that. Wow. Boston, preparing for its first clam chowder shortage. Ooh. I do love clam chowder. I bet you do. I bet you do. Unbelievable. What does your wife do when she's not plunging the toilet?

Starting point is 00:37:34 Remind me, remind me again what she does when she's not vacuuming Doritos off the floor. does when she's not vacuuming Doritos off the floor. It's absolutely incredible. Yeah. When she's not, when she's not, when she's not trying to find a place to sleep at night. Remind me when she's not... When she's not... Another one? When she's not at the grocery store continuously reloading the refrigerator, which is her nickname for you.

Starting point is 00:38:23 It's absolutely incredible. No, seriously, what does your wife do when she's... She... I'm sorry. It is absolutely incredible. No, seriously, what does your wife do? She... Wow.

Starting point is 00:38:51 And that's coming from Red Band. I need to get my life together. Red Band meet Bread Pan. This is incredible. So much about you. Absolutely. Are you going to introduce me to Matt Reif? Yeah, this is Matt Reif. Yeah, hey Matt, I'm Fat Reif.

Starting point is 00:39:08 Nice to meet you. Boom. Boom. I've heard of you, man. I heard you got your golden ticket from a chocolate bar. Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Fuck yes.

Starting point is 00:39:23 Let's fucking go! Absolutely. You're great, you're great, you're great. Great tits. Thanks man. Hey Matt. Yes sir. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh uhhhhh uhhhhh uh rick and bake. That's right, yeah. What's that Oh my goodness. The old shake and bake. That's right. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:39:47 What's that? Was that rigged? Is that what he said? That's not a grate. Oh, thanks. Oh my goodness. You're welcome. Imagine how big those pecs underneath there must be.

Starting point is 00:39:56 I mean, I'm a fucking man, dude. I'm... It is. You're a couple of men. Yeah. Yeah. I love how you take these jokes. Such pro wrestler energies.

Starting point is 00:40:08 I remember you used to be a pro wrestler. Do you still dabble in that at all? No way. No, I used to for 18 years, but no, I don't anymore. Yeah, the knees. What was your wrestler name? I was the American Wet Dream. Oh yeah, look at that oh

Starting point is 00:40:30 My god breaking bodies and banging hotties Wow Didn't he break a table on the show once I did I put Joel Berg through a table once yeah, no fuck I did Yeah, I slammed Jeremiah Watkins on stage once. I fed Louis J. Gomez my kidney stone. That was your kidney stone? Oh, that's true. Shut up. I figured the only way I can top myself tonight is rape Redband. Wow. Look at that. That will be a little show called Breaking Bed. You two fucking would fucking. I mean just.

Starting point is 00:41:05 It's pretty hot. Yeah, incredible. I thought I was into Japanese massage porn over here. Something for everybody here tonight. What else is going on, Todd? Anything else crazy going on in your life? What else is going on? Not, I mean not a whole lot.

Starting point is 00:41:21 Just living in Vegas, I fucking love it there. Love getting on the road, I love, yeah. One person loves Las Vegas, you don't know. What do you love about Vegas, other than the all you can eat buffets? That's mostly the all you can eat buffets. There's a lot of that, there's a lot of food options. Oh wait, you are in Vegas now, you're the Sphere.

Starting point is 00:41:44 Now I remember. It's amazing. How fucking dumb am I that when you got all excited like that I was like oh he remembers. Tony remembers where I am. That's so sad. No I don't. That was just my brain working. Yeah no it's good. I love it Todd. Amazing. That was just my brain working. Yeah, no, it's good. It's good.

Starting point is 00:42:07 I love it, Todd. Amazing. D-Madness just got it. Yeah, he did. D-Madness is on a delay sometimes here. This is one of the first times that I've done Kill Tony in Austin. And I remember the first time I did it.

Starting point is 00:42:23 I actually saw D- Deep Madness and I thought that Jeremiah Watkins was just taking a wild swing to his character. No. No, but okay, nevermind. It's funny. We can cut that one out. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:42:35 Okay, thanks man. There you go. Todd, you are just fucking awesome. We love you and to be able to have you here for one of your you know last performances alive on the planet you know we're going to really you know but we love you that you just keep kicking non-stop and we'll see you in Las Vegas all right sounds good there go. Todd Royce, ladies and gentlemen. Love you guys. Golden ticket winner,

Starting point is 00:43:06 as seen by the strong set, the amazing interview. Those guys do not fuck around. And who knows? Anybody can get it here. This is where we found all of our regulars, all of our golden ticket winners. And back to the bucket we go as I introduce to you Ernest Evans, Sizz, it says. Ernest Evans Sizz.

Starting point is 00:43:28 Here he is, Ernest Evans Sizz. Man, my name sucked growing up as a kid. Ernest, because you made a nigga name Ernest in his 40s. Come with a, come with a, guy down two divorces, drive around, and a gray beard. Niggas named Ernest come out the pussy of Uncle. Giving bad advice. Go ahead, jump off that bridge.

Starting point is 00:43:58 It ain't going to hurt. Because how many kids you know right now named Ernest? None. I had to have a son and name him after me just so I could say I know another nigga named Ernest. But my son hates that name. He's like, Dad, how come you can name anything black or urban ethnic like Jamal, Ke'Andrea, Deontay? I said, simple, son.

Starting point is 00:44:21 Them niggas don't get hired. I'm Ernest Evans, see you, man. Appreciate y'all. There you go. Exactly 59 seconds. What a pro. Ernest Evans. That says, Sizz, is that right? It's Senior, man.

Starting point is 00:44:43 They can't write back there, bro. What? They can't write back there. Senior. Senior Sizz, is that right? It's Senior, man. They came right back there, bruh. What? They came right back there. Senior. Senior. Oh, Senior. Yes, sir. Gotcha.

Starting point is 00:44:51 Yeah, that's an SR. All right. You wrote it. I did. Yeah. I did. Why did you blame it on somebody else? What the fuck was that?

Starting point is 00:44:59 I did. I passed the buck quick, my bad. I love it. I love it. I love it. Ernest, welcome to the show. How many have you been? Downloading.

Starting point is 00:45:07 What? I was trying to figure out, when you have a junior, do you have to give yourself the senior title? You don't have to. You just wanted to. I did. I like that. I can't have him taking credit for all the shit I did.

Starting point is 00:45:17 Right. He doesn't want your rap sheet. I ain't never been to jail, Tony. Really? I thought I saw that movie, Ernest Goes to Jail. Well. I love it.

Starting point is 00:45:36 So Ernest, I love your style. How old are you? 44. 44. How long you been on standup? Two years. Two years. What made you start at 42?

Starting point is 00:45:44 Man, I was in the army for a while, and I was in charge of a lot of soldiers, and we was in some precarious situations. This shit just sucked, man. So I always try to make every situation light, tell jokes. So that's how I got done. Amazing. I love it.

Starting point is 00:45:59 I love it. You were in the army. Yes, sir. You were deployed a lot, I'm sure. Twice. Yeah. Where at? Afghanistan, both times. Wow. Afghanistan. You were deployed a lot, I'm sure. Twice. Yeah, where at? Afghanistan, both times.

Starting point is 00:46:06 Wow. Afghanistan. You saw a lot of shit. Oh, yep. A lot of fans of Afghanistan. I seen a couple of these motherfuckers over there. Yeah, there are a lot of Afghanis. There's one right there.

Starting point is 00:46:20 Look at this fucking guy. Oh, nervous. Oh yeah, we got one. Get him, Matt. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, fellow soldier Matt Wright over here. He's holding his shirt like this because the vest couldn't breathe. Sometimes we would send Matt and deploy Matt to Afghanistan

Starting point is 00:46:37 to make the enemies come in their pants. Air shot. There you go. Thank you, Wright. So, Ernest, what's it like being back in America? Where do you live? In North Austin. North Austin. Yes, sir.

Starting point is 00:46:51 I love it. A lot of North Austiners here today. I love it. What do you do now? I work for the state. OK, the state of Texas. I love it. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:47:02 We all love Texas here very much. Is this where you're from? No, I'm from a small town called Rockdale by 45 minutes north of here. Okay. Thorndale, Taylor, Rockdale. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Starting point is 00:47:16 Oh, somebody from Rockdale in this bitch? Oh, shit. What is it? He's like, I drove through it. Yeah. Can I ask what you did in the Army? I was a Black Hawk crew chief. A what? Did you have to be?

Starting point is 00:47:26 UH-60 Black Hawk crew chief. Nah, man, that's the best job in the Army, man. Would you actually fly the helicopters? Nah, I was a crew chief. I sat in the back, mechanic, worked on it, did a lot of missions. So when the helicopter flew, I was in the back. Wait, they made you sit in the back? What the hell?

Starting point is 00:47:44 Oh my God. What the hell? Oh my God. It be like that sometimes, man. Oh my God. But, but the back was the best, man. That's why all the shit went down. Yeah? Tell us about it.

Starting point is 00:47:55 What would go down in the back of the helicopter? So shit, flying Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders, Washington Redskins cheerleaders, all that shit. So I mean, we didn't only just deploy, shoot and do missions. We had some fun shit, all this shit, so, I mean, we didn't only just deploy, shoot, and do missions, we have some fun shit too. Damn, look at you, just chilling with cheerleaders in the back of a chopper.

Starting point is 00:48:14 Okay, that doesn't make any sense there, RedBit. Come on, I love it, I love it. Well, thank you for your service, that is incredible. What does Junior do? What is he up to? He's a junior in high school. Yeah, 11th grade. He's a junior that's a junior?

Starting point is 00:48:31 That's a junior, 11th grade. My goodness, absolutely incredible. What's he into? Gaming, fucking PlayStation, Oculus. Do you let him play Call of Duty? Yeah, he does. How realistic is the game compared to your experience? Totally different. Something different than what I did.

Starting point is 00:48:47 Yeah, I've never played the level where you're just chilling with cheerleaders. Maybe I should have said that, Tony. Call of booty, am I right? Call of booty. I love it. That's good shit. Absolutely. You got trademarked that.

Starting point is 00:49:01 Yup. Floss some naked bitches all over Afghanistan. I love it. Hell yeah. Let's go. I'm telling you. What do you do for fun around Austin, Texas? Do you have any hobbies or anything?

Starting point is 00:49:09 Yeah, I fish, man. I take the kids fishing, like camping and shit. Okay. Yeah, just chill out. Okay. I love that. Absolutely. And you have a wife, girlfriend?

Starting point is 00:49:20 Yeah, I'm married, man. My wife Michelle, we just had a new baby. She nine months old. Okay. Nah, hell nah, man. Don't clap for that shit we just had a new baby. She nine months old. Okay. Nah, hell, hey, man. Don't clap for that shit. I ain't got no sleep in nine months, goddamn. We beefing right now, shit. What are you beefing about?

Starting point is 00:49:31 I can't get no sleep, Tony. Shit. She doesn't wake up and take care of the baby? Man, it's 2024, man. We share. We share a partnership, shit. Oh, shit. It sucks living in 2020, faux.

Starting point is 00:49:43 Oh, yeah, man. I hate 2020, faux. You gotta share some shit. It sucks living in 2020. Faux. Yeah, man. I hate 2020. Faux. You gotta share some shit. I be hatin' that shit, Ernest. I don't know what's gotten into me here. I'm feeling a little too cozy here with my good friend Ernest Senior. I'm like that, man. That's what I do to people, man.

Starting point is 00:50:01 You got me talkin' like you, Ernest. Oh, man. I don't know what it is. I'm like that, man. That's what I do to people, man. You got me talking like you are, man. Oh, man. I don't know what it is. It be contagious. Contagious is your new kid's name. Am I correct? Contagious Evans? Contagious Evans? Contagious Evans.

Starting point is 00:50:18 Texas A&M. All right. What a... Oh my God, I love it. You're a funny man. I appreciate it. You've been doing a lot of spots around town? Trying to get on, you know what I'm saying? It's a slow grind, but I'm still, you know, keeping my head down and keep telling jokes. That's it, you're passionate about it. I am, yes sir.

Starting point is 00:50:34 I like your fucking style. And here's a big joke book from the great Bones Eye. I appreciate it. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started. I'm gonna go ahead and get started passionate about it. I am, yes sir. I like your fucking style.

Starting point is 00:50:45 And here is a big joke book from the great Bones Eye. Boom, welcome to the show, Ernest. Sign up again, we'd love to see another minute. The American dream, Ernest Evans Sr., ladies and gentlemen. A hero. That guy fighting for our country, riding around with cheerleaders in a helicopter what a hero all right we're gonna keep it moving along your next

Starting point is 00:51:14 bucket pull we're gonna meet them all together 60 seconds for Justin Governalli ladies and gentlemen Justin Govher now. I served in the Marine Corps. Yeah. Thank me for my service, bro. What the fuck? You fucking... I served during Don't Ask, Don't Tell. And it changed me, man. Like, I went in as a young, weak boy.

Starting point is 00:51:41 And I came out of there as a strong, confident, gay man. I wish I could say it was the combat that made me hard, but it wasn't the combat. It was the group showers. If there's any Marines out there, I know you got my six. Don't worry, I got your nine, brother. You couldn't be gay and serve in the military, but they'll like touch you in the shower, like Marines will grab your penis and you're like, hey, it's kind of weird. I feel like I should tell You couldn't be gay and serve in the military, but they'll like touch you in the shower, like Marines will grab your penis and you're like, hey, it's kind of weird. I feel like I should tell someone, right? So you try and tell your sergeant, you're like, hey, Sergeant Mendoza touched me.

Starting point is 00:52:14 And he's like, what? That's crazy. Where? Show me. And I'm like, step sergeant, no. He's like, you know what, Marine? Show me on me where he touched you. That's it. Justin Guvernalli.

Starting point is 00:52:36 Welcome. This is your first time on the show, right, Justin? That it is. Absolutely. How long have you been on standup? Four and a half years. Where are you from? Laredo, Texas. I live in San Antonio. You live in San Antonio now?

Starting point is 00:52:47 I do. And is that true? You were in the Marines and you're gay? Uh, I mean, it made me gay. You know, no, I'm not gay. I was in the Marine Corps though. I served, uh... Wait a second. Hold on. Time out. Hey! Hey! Flag on the flag. Stolen valor!

Starting point is 00:53:01 Hey! Hey, hey, hey. Stolen baller. Hey. Hey. Oh. The whole minute was about you being gay. No, it's because Marines, dude, you have to be there to understand it.

Starting point is 00:53:15 Like our humor is just so gay, dude. Well, I guess that makes me a fucking war hero. Yeah, dude. Yeah, dude. Thank you for your service, Tony. Semper Fi, brother. Absolutely. Okay, so you're not gay at all.

Starting point is 00:53:35 All we know about you is that you talked about being gay, but you're not gay. I was a scout sniper in the Marine Corps, right? Served from 2004 to 2008. Went to Iraq two times. Got blown up my first patrol. That was fun, you know? Explain what happened there.

Starting point is 00:53:50 Tell us about that. Man, yeah, it was my first patrol in 2005. I was in Haditha, Iraq. And dude, it was pretty boring. The whole patrol was pretty damn boring. And I remember thinking to myself, like man, this is actually pretty boring. So it's like a like pretty damn boring. And I remember thinking to myself like, man, this is actually pretty boring. So it's like a like a motorcade of like trucks.

Starting point is 00:54:09 Yeah, and you're just going over a bunch of sand. Yeah, it's really happening. Like, my senior Marines were in Fallujah, right? Right. So the unit we were relieving, they were like, you ready? You ready? And I'm like, what's going on? And then it didn't happen. And he's like, Oh, nevermind. And then right when he said that, an explosion went off. Boom. And he goes, oh, I guess they're running late today. And I like sit down in my chair and the Southern Marines like, welcome to Iraq, Governor. And I'm like, oh, fucking A, that's cool, right? You know, whatever. And then nothing happened for like four hours. And

Starting point is 00:54:39 then on my way back, right when I said, this is actually pretty boring, and I set my rifle on the truck, fucking boom, I blackeded out and then I woke up and I had this like whatever guy next to me was bleeding you know but it was okay but yeah yeah dude you're gonna fucking trigger my PTSD, brother. Fucking... There's fucking men everywhere, dude. Yeah. Oh, man. I don't know. Amazing, Justin Govind Alley.

Starting point is 00:55:13 So how long you been doing stand-up? Uh, like four and a half years. Oh, that's right. I asked you that. Amazing. You have cauliflower here. How'd you get that? Wrestling? Uh, I fought for quite a... I'm a black belt in jiu-jitsu. Oh, okay. I am.

Starting point is 00:55:27 All right. It's fucking, what's that prove it? See you after the show. See you after class, brother. He's gonna fuck you. Yeah, dude. Did you not hear my entire minute, brother? I got something to prove.

Starting point is 00:55:37 But yeah, man, been training 17 years. Black belt in jiu-jitsu, fucking... Uh-huh. Okay. How tall are you? Five, six on Tinder. But... Black belt and jujitsu, fucking. Uh huh. How tall are you? Five six on Tinder. First of all, but I'm five five, right? When I stretch my spine all the way, you know? Are you really five five?

Starting point is 00:55:55 Yeah, I'm five five. Or did the explosion blow your legs off? Like this. This guy. Amazing. Amazing. So you're on Tinder? Are you dating right now?

Starting point is 00:56:06 No, I'm not on Tinder. Everything you say is pretty much a lie. No, no, I was on Tinder, but I do put five six. I literally could show you my profile, right? And I'm fucking five six on Tinder. Did you ever go on a date from someone on Tinder? Yeah, I think we all do. Tinder's trash.

Starting point is 00:56:20 Bumble's trash. That's not what I asked you. That's not true. Have I been on a date on Tinder? Yeah, yeah, fuck it. I guess we're here. I'm about to get probably fired from my job, but whatever. What job? I work in tech. Yeah. Yeah, that's fucking... Yeah, you're gonna get fired. Yeah, I'm gonna get fired, dude. Let's see. I mean, dude, we've all been on Tinder dates.

Starting point is 00:56:35 One time I was hooking up with this girl from Tinder, right? Whatever. It is what it is. I'm fucking... whatever. Okay, so we're hooking up. And we're doing the whole, like, the dirty, like, first time hookup stuff. Like, slap, slap, like, tell me you love me, all that crazy shit, right? Wait, what? That's first... What is going on here?

Starting point is 00:56:52 We've all been on Tinder dates. We all know the first slap, slap, slap. It's Tinder, bro! It's Tinder! What the fuck are you talking about? The war made me crazy, man. No, uh... Jesus Christ.

Starting point is 00:57:01 Uhhhh... Oh my God. The war fucked me up, brother. Uh... Yeah. So you're slapping a girl on a first date? It was consensual. Right? Jesus Christ. Oh my god. The whore fucked me up, brother. Slaping a girl on a first date? It was consensual. She asked for it.

Starting point is 00:57:11 But yeah, we're going at it, right? And then you start saying crazy stuff, right? Like what? Like, how many guys from the internet have you fucked, huh? You fucking whore, you know? That's what she's asking him? No, I'm asking her. Yeah, she's asking him yeah no I'm asking her yeah she's asking me

Starting point is 00:57:27 but but then then she's like but then like it's like a rhetorical question you know she's like you really want to know do you really want to know and I'm like yeah I'm figuring like four or five whatever right she's like you really want to know I'm like yeah she's like so many and I was like oh man Wow yeah and then whatever I finished or whatever and then that's that's a hundred percent of real story like nah swear on my life dude all right how many was so many I don't know but it but it was hot. How many would be so many to you? Like how many would be enough that you're like, ah. I honestly don't care, dude, if I'm being real. Were you wearing a condom at the time?

Starting point is 00:58:12 Yeah, 100%. Were you wearing a condom with this girl? Yeah. Oh, well then yeah, it doesn't matter. Yeah, it doesn't count, you know what I'm saying? Nothing matters, you're just a human dildo at that point. What's that? You're just a human dildo at that point, nothing else.

Starting point is 00:58:24 Yeah, I stopped though, man. I haven't had dildo at that point. Yeah. Yeah. I stopped though, man. I haven't had sex since like July 5th. Wow. What the fuck happened on July 4th? Oh my God. I think he told us. Somebody red, white and blue it.

Starting point is 00:58:41 What the fuck happened? We're in July. No, I just, I'm just taking a break in general, right? Because it gets you in trouble, dude. No, it gets you in trouble, dude. Dudes don't take breaks. What's up? Dudes don't take breaks.

Starting point is 00:58:51 I was just promiscuous for so long, I got tired of it. Like actually. You got so much pussy, you got tired. No, I don't want to be that guy. Like, yeah, I got fucking pussy all the time. It creates problems, man. You don't want to be that guy, but you talked about being gay, which you're not. So you want to be that guy? I mean, it's the bit, man. It's the bit, creates problems, man. You don't want to be that guy, but you talked about being gay, which you're not.

Starting point is 00:59:05 So you want to be that guy? I mean, it's the bit, man. It's the bit, dude. Dude, thank me for my service, dude. Thank you for your service. Yeah, thank you, thank you. I'm kidding. He's still mentioning it.

Starting point is 00:59:14 He's still modest. Yeah. Okay, Justin. Well, I mean, very, very interesting guy. You have any special skills or talents or anything? I'm a survivalist. I was on Naked and Afraid. For real?

Starting point is 00:59:28 I swear to God. I did two seasons. Oh my God. Yeah. Was your name Justin Governally on the show? Yeah, Justin Governall. I swear on my life. Let's look this shit up.

Starting point is 00:59:39 I wanna see this guy's cock. Here we go. Governally. Here's the part where we get to watch. Nope, there's the typo. It would be A-L-E. Oh my God, there you are. Oh my God. Wow.

Starting point is 00:59:54 You are more afraid than naked in this one. Oh my goodness, look at you. Wow. Oh, wait, you're Michael Gonzalez. Yeah dude. That is incredible. Wow look at that. There he is. I lost 30 pounds. Are you tatted? Are you fully tatted? Yeah I got everything done up right here. Wow absolutely incredible. Michael he's you. You used to have short hair and a beard. Yeah, dude. Yeah, I did a... Mexican and afraid.

Starting point is 01:00:26 The first one, Mexican? Yeah, yeah. Half Mexican and afraid, dude. Uh-huh, what's the other half? Gay, but I'm not. Gay, yeah. Here's a little joke book. There he goes, Justin Guvernalli, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:00:38 Thank you so much. We've come to that time, ladies and gentlemen, where it is indeed time for one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, fresh off of MSG. I present to you, ladies and gentlemen, the one and the only, Cam Patterson. I was at Kansas City on Wednesday. I love Kansas City. It's my favorite place on earth. They have really good barbecue in Kansas City.

Starting point is 01:01:32 Packs in my homes, it's black as hell. Taylor Swift got a fat ass and I love it. I also was in Chicago this weekend. No gun violence at all. I loved it. The bean was beautiful. I'm done. All right. That's... Wow. That's fucking fun.

Starting point is 01:02:07 A little something different. Hostage situation. Well, you were reading all of that off of a W-9 tax form. That's incredible. That's why I was shaking, nigga. I was really scared the whole time. I gotta pay taxes now? I thought I was up.

Starting point is 01:02:31 Bitch, I'm broke as hell. This shit, this shit not fun. I'm going to jail. Cam Patterson, you've done it again. A very fun, experimental, out of the box minute for you. How's life going, Cam? It's good. Hell yeah, it's good. It's been fun.

Starting point is 01:02:46 How was Chicago for real? Chicago was actually pretty cool. The bean was fucking stupid. That was dumb as hell. That's the dumbest shit. Let's make a mirror look like a bean. They gonna love it. That's fucking dumb as fuck.

Starting point is 01:02:56 I hated that. That was stupid as shit. What was? The bean. The bean, nigga. Big like metallic Terminator thing glob in the middle of downtown. Yeah, they got a fucking bean, nigga. There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago? Yeah. Big like metallic Terminator thing glob in the middle of downtown

Starting point is 01:03:13 There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago, yeah, it's like all mere you've never heard of the bean you all have heard of this How pretty huge thing though be an What the fuck are you guys you've never seen that no What the fuck are you guys? You've never seen that? No! What the fuck is going on? It's like the arch, man. It's the same. You gotta be fucking kidding me. You've never seen that.

Starting point is 01:03:35 I've never heard of this or seen it or referenced it or anything. D Madness is laughing at me. How the fuck have you seen the bean? There's no fucking way you know what the fuck is going on right now. This is like a simulation or something. How the fuck is the bean avoided me and I've avoided the bean?

Starting point is 01:04:03 We'll be right back. This is unbelievable. Unbelievable. What do you do when you're in Chicago? I fucking, I don't know, I do shows, I eat pizza, I fucking, I fly away. Chicago's just a, I mean, you know. Shout out to the fans. But I get in, I get out, I get back, and then I'm back. You gotta go flick the bean, nigga.

Starting point is 01:04:37 You gotta go touch it, you gotta go touch that bean, nigga. Don't touch it, it's filthy. Yeah, my dog spit on it. Your dog spit on it? My homeboy was just mad, like, shit. Oh, okay. Shit ass, nigga. I mean, not, yeah. Yeah, my dog spit on it. Your dog spit on it? My homeboy was just mad, like shit. Oh, okay. Shit ass nigga. I mean, yeah, the bean, nigga, the bean.

Starting point is 01:04:49 Touch your dog's. Okay, okay, okay. I can't fucking believe this. That's crazy, you've never seen it. I can't believe there's anything that exists that I don't know about. It's fucking stupid though, it's dumb. Oh, yeah. It was a crackhead there, that nigga was like, he was fucking with us, cause we was like,

Starting point is 01:05:01 we was just doing a bunch of dumb shit around it, and then he was just dead legging people for nothing. know about. That's just, it's fucking stupid though, it's dumb. Oh, yeah. It was a crackhead there, that nigga was like, he was fucking with us, cause we was like, we was just doing a bunch of dumb shit around it, and then he was just dead legging people for no reason. Just kicking him in the back of the knee? In the back of the knee. Fine, just be like, fuck you, gay ass nigga, and walking off. Wow.

Starting point is 01:05:16 And he was messing with us, I was confused, I wasn't gonna tell him. Damn. I wasn't gonna tell him at all, like, you in the right, brother, you do what you do, have a good day. You enjoy yourself, you having a good time right now. He was like, ehhhh, he was having a great time, I loved like, you in the right, brother. You do what you do. Have a good day. You enjoy yourself. You're having a good time right now. He was like, yeah. He was having a great time. I loved it.

Starting point is 01:05:29 It was pretty funny to me. It was pretty funny to me. I liked it. Wow. And you were also in Kansas City? Yeah, that place is terrible. Yes, it is. That's a horrible place.

Starting point is 01:05:38 That's a horrible place. It really is. The reason I wanted to do that shit with the Hot Situations because at the show, I'm only here for a day. What should I do? And everybody was like, go get barbecue. When I was like, nigga, I live in Texas. What the fuck?

Starting point is 01:05:48 And they were like, boo! Why the fuck would I go here to get barbecue, nigga? Fuck that place. It's a different barbecue there though. It is? It's good? Yeah, different places have different barbecues. Okay, fat ass, no play.

Starting point is 01:05:58 I'm sorry. Red band just puts barbecue sauce on anything and it makes it delicious. It's not, they don't compete or compare with our barbecue. I got a word for you afterwards. What? This is a kid. He's gonna call me a nigga in his mind. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:17 How long has that fucking bean been there? I want to, this is blowing my mind. I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, I want to, How long has that fucking bean been there? This is blowing. I'm going to say like 60 years. It's been a long time. Are you fucking serious? Bro, yeah.

Starting point is 01:06:34 I can't believe you've never seen it. 2006. Oh. Okay, well, not 60 years. All right. All right. That was off. That was off.

Starting point is 01:06:44 18 years. That was off. That was off. 18 years. That was off. That was off. That was off. Why is the bean in Chicago famous? Let's click on this real quick. I watched it.

Starting point is 01:06:52 There's no reason. It's weird looking. There's no reason. Have you ever had bean pie? Bean pie? Yeah. What the fuck is that? You've never had bean pie?

Starting point is 01:07:00 What is going on? No, no, no. You're not wrong. What the fuck is that? You know what bean pie is? Look at me. It's a black thing. For real? Yes. Oh, it is. Oh, with the mussels in it. Yes, the mussels in it.

Starting point is 01:07:08 Okay, okay, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come on. Oh, yeah, yeah. Oh, y'all don't know bean pie, nigga? Y'all don't know bean pie, nigga? You know bean pie. He not really black.

Starting point is 01:07:20 We don't know him. Snappers kill him. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Cam, always so much goddamn fun. I love you, everybody loves you. You're fucking amazing, taking over the world. There he goes, Cam Patterson. On to the next one.

Starting point is 01:07:40 Back to the bucket we go. And I bring to the stage, make some noise for Brian Says everybody. Here we go, Brian Says is next. MUSIC Alright. I just found out I'm going to be a father. It's court ordered. It's court ordered. LAUGHTER Calm it down.

Starting point is 01:08:06 Yeah, it's me. I had a crazy day today. I got dead named earlier today. Do y'all know what dead naming is? All right, all right, it's fine. It's a mixed crowd. I'll let you know. So if you're not aware, dead naming is a term that was adopted by the transgender community. But it's when somebody refers to you by your old name rather than the name you are now. So I got dead named earlier today. I was walking up the street, and I bumped into this white guy, and he said, hey, watch it, nigger.

Starting point is 01:08:36 And I was like, whoa, my name's Brian now. It's not nigger anymore, buddy. Come on. Jeez, what are you, transphobic? What the hell? If you guys are wondering, I can tell that joke. I have a black friend, so... I can tell that joke, I believe. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:09:13 There you go. Brian says, everybody. Fuck yeah. I believe I bumped into you earlier. I bumped into you earlier. Welcome back to the show, Brian. You've been on before. I have not been on before, no. You're friends with Cam and I met you before, is that right? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:38 Correct. There we go. That's how I know you. Welcome, welcome. First time on the show. How long have you been on standup? It's about six months now. I love it. I love it. All of it here in Austin. Yeah. First time on the show. How long you been on stand up? It's about six months now. I love it. I love it.

Starting point is 01:09:46 All of it here in Austin? Yeah. Yeah. Is this where you're from? No, I came here from Atlanta. Atlanta? Yeah. Born and raised?

Starting point is 01:09:54 I moved around a lot, so. OK. Where else have you lived? Virginia, Maryland, California. You ever seen the bean before? Yeah, the bean. Yeah, of course, dude. The bean. Oh my god. You're talking about, wait, California. You ever seen The Bean before? Yeah, The Bean, yeah. Of course, dude, The Bean. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:10:07 You're talking about, wait, maybe... I love them. Is it Chicago's The Bean or...? Oh, my God. What are we talking about, dude? Oh, my God. Have you... have you... You've been there, right?

Starting point is 01:10:19 I've been to Chicago so many times. Okay, yeah. I've performed in arenas, theaters, comedy clubs. I've done it all in Chicago, and I've never heard of the fucking bean before. Oh, wow, wow. Just found out about it. Looked like a total dumbass

Starting point is 01:10:34 in front of millions of people, it turns out. Because I don't know about some stupid nothing burger fucking bean. It's just a big mirror. Do you know about this, Carrie? Jesus fucking Christ, everybody knows about it but me. Horn players, did you know about the bean? Jesus motherfucking Christ.

Starting point is 01:10:50 This is fucking believable. It's the stupidest fucking thing that I didn't know about in my whole fucking life. I pride myself. I watch Jeopardy and I beat the people to the answers and I would have lost on the fucking bean. I would have lost on the fucking bean. I would have lost on the bean. I'll beat anybody in non-bean trivia right fucking now.

Starting point is 01:11:10 And here I am. Sure you will, Tony. Whoa, what the fuck's that supposed to mean? You wanna have a round of trivia right now? On, on. On. On trivia? Are you challenging me to a game of trivia?

Starting point is 01:11:22 I guess, I guess I am now, yeah. Okay, this is the first ever. Uh, how are we gonna do this? Brian, look up trivia questions on your iPad. Any specific subject or anything? I don't know. Is this all bean? Is this all bean or...?

Starting point is 01:11:38 No, it's no bean trivia. No bean? Can't have anything to do with a bean. Even though I know it was built in 2006, it's a mirror-like structure shaped like a bean, which averages about seven million visitors per year. Yeah. Yep. Yep. I've been one of them.

Starting point is 01:11:54 All right. I guess I'll ask the questions. Here we go. Yes. How many colors are in the rainbow? Tony, you know this one. Ha-ha-ha. CHEERING You son of a bitch. A little bit of home cooking over here. God damn.

Starting point is 01:12:20 How many fingers is spitting an asshole? Do you know? Do you know the answer? Because I do. I know. I don't. I don't know. You don't? It's seven. Yep. Wow, that is correct. Tony wins this one.

Starting point is 01:12:30 Thank you. Gay trivia. Welcome to gay trivia, ladies and gentlemen. So proud, Tony. We're so proud. All right. Here's another question. Who is the Greek goddess of love? Ooh, I'm going to go with... You have an answer here? I have an answer, yeah. Okay, I'm gonna go with, you have an answer here?

Starting point is 01:12:45 I have an answer. Okay, what's your answer? I have an answer, and my answer is... No, no phoning a friend here. Stop whispering over there, you fucking... You know what? Stop talking. Do you have an answer?

Starting point is 01:13:06 I'm going Aphrodite. That's what I would have said. Is that the correct answer? Oh my god, you guys are both right. Aphrodite. Wow, amazing. How do you guys know that and not the bean? Come on, keep going. Come up with another question. What do you call a baby goat? Oh, that's... okay.

Starting point is 01:13:22 Do you have an answer? Go ahead. It's a kid. It's a what? It's a kid. It's a kid. You are correct. It is a kid. A young boy? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:30 I don't think I knew that one. Thank you. Crank it up Redman. You might actually be winning this. Come on, give us a hard one. All right. Who was the queen of France during the French Revolution? What?

Starting point is 01:13:48 Well, nobody knows about queens more than me. Ah! It's unfair, yeah. Um... I can't phone a friend. I can't phone a gay guy. No. I'm going queen. Elizabeth, I can't, I'm going to a gay guy, across the state. I got, I'm going queen. Elizabeth seems like a good guess.

Starting point is 01:14:08 Okay, hard nose. I'm going Elizabeth. That's a good guess. I'm going to go with Antoinette. You know what, I'm going to give it to you Tony, it's Marie Antoinette. That is correct. Wow.

Starting point is 01:14:19 Why don't we do something special? Why don't we switch it to black trivia, just so that I could flex on you fucking people right now Look up black trivia questions Formally from Atlanta been all over supposedly. All right, let's find out black trivia All right, you know helping black eye Or girl or whatever the fuck's going on there. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what exactly you are Kind of look like you have tits. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what exactly you are. Kind of look like you have tits.

Starting point is 01:14:46 I don't know what's shaking over there, but I'm gonna shake it. All right, here we go. Who was the first African American to graduate from Harvard University and became a US Senator? Dude, shut the fuck up over there. Do you have an answer? I am really gonna need some help on this one.

Starting point is 01:15:09 No, there's no help. There's no help, you son of a bitch. Can I just say? You are the help. Take back your rainbow joke. I guess gay beats black again. Um, let me just, I just want to make it clear. I do like black people. I like my culture. Do not judge me by this answer I'm about to give.

Starting point is 01:15:36 I really love us. We're good people. We're good, smart people from Harvard. There's so many that smart people from Harvard. There's so many that have graduated from Harvard that the first one, how could we, if I, you know, I choose the, as long as we cross it, we make it to the mountaintop,

Starting point is 01:15:56 doesn't matter who gets there first. That's MLK, I know that guy. That's a black, okay. This sucks. Black guy, what was the year? Can I get a year? Give him the year, Red Band. Give him the year. I don't think it's gonna help at all. Well, the answer is not available.

Starting point is 01:16:14 Uh... This so sucks. This sucks. No, it doesn't say a year, so I don't know. I hate Red Band's answer, because I can't think of one either. I just can't think of one. So maybe it didn't happen. Clarence Thomas, is that a black guy?

Starting point is 01:16:34 That is a black guy. He's on the Supreme Court. Okay. Final answer. Of all the black guys that have been to court, he's the only one that, uh, went to the Supreme Court. Yeah. Supreme, for the most part. We're gonna call this a draw, right, Tony?

Starting point is 01:16:55 Ah. Again, he was a U.S. senator. Give me a first letter. A letter? I just need a letter. You know what? I'll give you that. H. Ah.

Starting point is 01:17:07 The H. The H. Ah, yes. The H. You know what? Your time is up, man. We know. We went through enough time. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder is my answer.

Starting point is 01:17:15 You both are wrong. I can't remember. I can't remember. And I have one last question. Oh, okay. Right? Welcome back to Guessing. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder.

Starting point is 01:17:23 I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder. I'm going to go with Stevie Wonder is my answer. You both are wrong. I can't remember. And I have one last question. Oh, OK. Welcome back to ghetto jeopardy, ladies and gentlemen. Last question. Which popular dish, often associated with the southern United States and African-American culture,

Starting point is 01:17:38 Chicken, let's get out of here. Chicken. Is traditionally made with black-eyed peas and is considered to bring good luck when eaten on New Year's Eve. Do you know the answer? God, yeah. Would you like to give it a guess?

Starting point is 01:17:53 It's around gumbo. It's not gumbo, but it's around there. Would you like the answer? Is this New Orleans? This is a bean question. It's a- It's bean related. I think black, it's greens, greens.

Starting point is 01:18:07 Black eyed peas is greens. Is that your final answer? That's what I'm saying. God damn it D-Man. Good, is that your, you have an answer? New Orleans, I'm sorry, New Orleans celebration. They didn't say that, you said that. Oh, New Year's, oh of course, New Year's.

Starting point is 01:18:24 I'm thinking New Orleans, of course, okay so. Uh-huh. Do you have an answer? No I do not. Any dessert? Huh? Any dessert? Oh just a dessert? No. We're on dessert now? No no no. It's not a dessert. It's an entree. It's white tricks. Do you have a guess? Dessert. Naked it. Um. Give it to me. I'm gonna go with Jumbalaya. I'm jumbled, I'm going. All right, you're both wrong. It's Hoppin' John.

Starting point is 01:18:51 I don't know if it's racist. Oh my God, Jesus Christ. Okay. Welcome to the show, my friend. Very funny performance. Welcome, very fun. The first ever trivia on Killtoni. First ever Black Jeopardy.

Starting point is 01:19:07 We're taking chances here. It's a very loose show. Anything can happen. Always adding new segments. Ladies and gentlemen, oh, we're going back to back. Brian's here. It's Brian Knight on Killtoni. Look out, make some noise for Brian Cook.

Starting point is 01:19:22 Wow, Red Band loves Cooks. Here we go, Brian Cook. Thank you very much. Now, I am a music fan to the point where I take it personally sometimes. I was listening to the classic album, Paul's Boutique by the Beastie Boys, but I was listening on YouTube. And YouTube has the comments down at the bottom. Can you believe what this chucklehead said? And I quote, this album is three retards spouting gibberish over an awkward drum beat. No, exactly, officially for the record,

Starting point is 01:19:52 I love the Beastie Boys, I'm a big fan. But if we're taking the macro view, if we're looking at things in the big picture, isn't all hip hop three retards spouting gibberish over an awkward drum beat? That's what every rap album ever is. And if you think I'm picking on hip hop, I am not. It's the same way that every death metal band

Starting point is 01:20:10 that's ever existed is five retards making the most unpleasant noise as humanly possible. It's the same way that stand-up comedy is one retard trying to be clever. You see, there's a pattern of behavior here. Now, I believe in diversity. I support diversity. Diversity is a stripper I met over at the Yellow Rose.

Starting point is 01:20:30 She's a lot of fun. She's working tonight. So everyone, please go support diversity. Thank you. Okay, Brian Cook. Calling every artist a retard as fast as he can. We're all in this together. I love it.

Starting point is 01:20:44 You've been on this show before, correct, Brian? I was, back in June. I remember you. I remember every guy that I think fucked my mom when I was younger. It happens. What about when she's older? Oh, shit, you son of a bitch.

Starting point is 01:20:58 Too many cooks in the kitchen. Brian Cook. So how long you been doing stand-up? Three years. Three? Two and a half, but we're in the year three. We're rounding up, ladies and gentlemen. Absolutely. And what do you do for a living, Brian? I recently switched jobs. I was working at the car dealership. Now I'm a delivery driver, so we're still out

Starting point is 01:21:15 in Austin traffic. I love it. What are you delivering? Alcohol to venues and bars and restaurants all over town. And underage girls apparently. No, no, no. I hate that I have to say this once a week. I am not Charlie Sheen. I do not behave like that. Right. But you're wearing his shirt. But I'm wearing his shirt.

Starting point is 01:21:32 I write it as wardrobe. You're dressed like, remember the short dude from that New York fucking bagel shop who was like, you're not my father or God. Is it okay for five-foot women to say you could kill yourself on dating websites? No one's seen this. Okay, it's the exact shirt. I like his taste.

Starting point is 01:21:49 No. No, okay. Swing and a miss. It's your bean. You have a lot of energy. Yes, I do. Brian, where do you get this energy from? The Good Lord. It is just a natural gift.

Starting point is 01:22:00 No, I'm stoked to be here. This is awesome. We're here in Austin. We got our health. What's to complain about? Absolutely. Oh man, you're so optimistic. Something bad's going to happen to you. Aw, fuck. He's too positive. Soon to be HIV. The good Lord gives you your energy. Do you go to church? Yeah, wait, I haven't found one in Austin I liked, but there was one back in Huntsville

Starting point is 01:22:26 I loved. Shout out to Covenant Fellowship of Huntsville, Texas. Wow, look at this. This is not the platform to shout out to church. Man, yeah, hip-hop's retarded, hip-hop's retarded, this is retarded, that's retarded, we're retarded, I went into a strip club, shout out to the first Pentecostal out in Huntsville, Alabama. There are some mixed signals being sent.

Starting point is 01:22:50 Absolutely. You believe in the Lord so much that wind blows through your hair continuously. It is incredible. Careful. How about that? There you go. There you go.

Starting point is 01:23:01 Now you've just got a little cotton candy hanging off the top there. Oh. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. You got a zoom on that, Yoni? There you go. Very good.

Starting point is 01:23:13 It's absolutely stunning. I love it. There's the thumbnail for next week or whatever. I'm probably five years away from the same hairdo, so I'm not gonna roast you too hard here. So tell us, Brian, what else you been up to? What are you up to in this crazy world? How old are you?

Starting point is 01:23:29 47. Birthday was last week. Hold on. What? You're 47. Tony and I have had this conversation previously. Oh my god. This is incredible. So we're not that healthy. Eh. Okay.

Starting point is 01:23:47 I'm four years older than him. You're four years older than him. Brian, what did you see? What exactly did you witness when you were... Apparently the darkness and the sadness, and that's what drove me into comedy at middle age. What kind of darkness and sadness have you been through in life? That's what he calls Brian and Cam.

Starting point is 01:24:17 Oh, I'm Brian. Nice to meet you darkness and sadness. Hey, why that motherfuckers hair blowing around like that? Hey, why that motherfucker's hair blowing around like that? Oh, my goodness. So, what have you been doing with your life, Brian? We were in the Army, we were a music journalist, we went back to school, the pandemic happened, and now we're here. How about since you were on the show? I can't really remember what happened.

Starting point is 01:24:41 I think I have Alzheimer's. I've probably been to the bean. Um... Uh... What's, uh... What's going on? What's happened since your last time on? I've been hitting it hard around Austin, Texas, getting booked on stuff, really. Yeah. Putting forth the effort, making the most of the opportunity. Here, we're back to the positivity.

Starting point is 01:25:01 Absolutely. Too much unity. 100%. Really good. Why do I feel like you're working on some kind of, like, science project at home? Because I'm not allowed to talk about that under the advice of legal counsel. OK.

Starting point is 01:25:12 What are your hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that would have, like, little doll houses or something like that. No. Oh, yeah. I still buy and sell baseball cards on eBay. That's, like, my thing, you know, after work. That's dope.

Starting point is 01:25:26 What's the coolest piece of sports memorabilia you have? The biggest one I ever hit on is I bought six Patrick Mahomes rookies for $5 a piece. Yeah, that's my greatest hit right there. So what are those at about now? Probably about $500, $600 each. OK. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:25:41 There you go. Sports dorks, Mitch Trubitsky was supposed to be the big quarterback that year. Remember, three Super Bowls later. Here we are. Okay. Yeah. There you go. If you if sports dorks, Mitch Trubitsky was supposed to be the big quarterback that year. Remember, three Super Bowls later. Here we are. Yep. Chicago Bears, Mitch Trubitsky, the Chicago Bears, not the Chicago Beans. Did you play sports growing up? Yep, baseball. Okay. Second base. No, outfield. Ah, right field. Right field and center field. I was really good defensive outfielder. I could run the balls down. Ah, Wrightfield. Wrightfield and Centrifield, that was really good defensive Alfield, or I could run the balls down.

Starting point is 01:26:07 Yeah, absolutely. That sounded, okay. Oh man, yeah. I feel like you're a fucking great dad, dude. You have kids? No, I do not. Wow. Really?

Starting point is 01:26:18 Wow. Big miss. Yeah. Unbelievable. Is that because of religious reasons? No, we got divorced, and if we want the comedy, and you can just say something as a joke, but you mean it. If we had had kids, we would have produced a super villain. So I think we did the world a favor there.

Starting point is 01:26:31 Why do you say that? Because it's too, like what they say, you know, in the AA meetings and all that, that sometimes two heads are better than one, you keep yourself on track. But sometimes you just enable each other so hard. You go to AA? Used to.

Starting point is 01:26:44 How long have you been sober? We're going with the California sober thing, and we'll say two months. Oh, OK. Oh, man. Cheers. Yeah. So how long were you sober when you were sober?

Starting point is 01:27:01 Oh, what's the longest you've gone? No, let me think of how to phrase this. It's more of a like you go on vacation, right? Some people go to Hawaii. I go on a bender, you know? OK, when you go on a bender, what does that look like? Explain to us. This is all starting to make sense. The floor is covered with empty beer cans

Starting point is 01:27:21 where you cannot walk to the bathroom. You know? Wow. Yeah. Let's fucking do it up. Amazing. Look at you. You're a little fucking party machine. Brian, curse. I'm gonna curse you. Yeah. Yes, like it's a horrible, horrible habit.

Starting point is 01:27:37 And I know better. I apologize. But yes, the F word's my favorite word. Which one is? Oh, fuck. The word that you barely said it. I know I barely said, well, let's make up for that. It could be almost every word in the sentence. Fuck the is? Oh, fuck. The word that could be used. You barely said it. I know I barely said it. Well, let's make up for that. It could be almost every word in the sentence. Fuck the fucking fuckers.

Starting point is 01:27:48 Wow. That's right. Shout out to the church in Huntsville, Alabama. Amazing. So you love cuss words. What's your favorite racial slur? D madness, plug your ears. I'm just kidding. I was kidding. I was kidding. Don't do it. The fact that we're running through choices says enough. Yeah, exactly. You really... I thought we were playing ghetto Jeopardy again for a second.

Starting point is 01:28:13 I'm just trying to ask for help from the audience. I love it. So, Brian, I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask you a question. I'm going to ask for help from the audience. I love it. So Brian, what else? You write about music.

Starting point is 01:28:33 You judge music. But you don't do anything with music yourself. Not anymore, no. What did you used to do? Played rhythm guitar in a terrible band that was a hate breed ripoff. That was a hate breed? Yeah, you ever heard the band Hate Breed? We sounded exactly like them. It was a decent

Starting point is 01:28:47 show but zero original thought. Huh. That's all right, you're missing nothing. Deep Madness is a few whiskies deep tonight. Oh really? What are you drinking tonight? Oh wow. What's going on? Oh my goodness, D Madness is sober. This is absolutely incredible. That's amazing. Shoot, have him. All right. All right.

Starting point is 01:29:13 Okay. All right, D. So, Hatebreed is like a heavy metal rock band. Yeah, mosh pit stuff. Right. Yeah, metal band. Right, did you sing it all for them? They're like the backup vocals. Can we hear, can you guys play some heavy metal for a second? I want to hear what Brian Cook sounds like. Oh shit, oh shit. Oh my fucking god. What the fuck?

Starting point is 01:30:08 What the fuck? What the fuck? You need to get some Just For Men. This is the fucking craziest grandfather I've ever seen in my life. Divorced? To get some just for men. Fucking craziest grandfather I've ever seen in my life. Divorced? Can't you believe it? Bro, that was amazing, I think.

Starting point is 01:30:33 Thank you. And you don't want a curse? That's so fucking weird. I don't... I feel like I just got fisted at a Spencer's, dude. Unbelievable. Un-be-lievable. Fisted in a Spencer's, dude. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 01:30:49 I mean, you have such an interesting range. Oh, yeah. The Lungbowl. Wow. What was the church that you shot it out earlier? Oh, they're going to love this. The Covenant Fellowship of Huntsville Tech. All right, all right, all right, all right. What size jokebook did you get last time you were on? A small one? Well I'm gonna tell you what, I like your fucking energy.

Starting point is 01:31:23 I don't know about the set. The set was okay. I love the interview. I like your fucking style. There he goes, Brian Cook, ladies and gentlemen. All right. We're coming around the mountain, ladies and gentlemen. We have another Golden Ticket winner. I gotta get up here. This guy's on an absolute fucking kill streak

Starting point is 01:31:42 of mass proportion. He's unstoppable right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the greatest Golden Ticket winners in the history of the show. This is a new minute from Martin Phillips. ["The Golden Ticket"] ["The Golden Ticket"] What's up? You know, we're in Texas, you know?

Starting point is 01:32:07 The cowboy outfit is pretty pricey, you know? The hat, the boots, it's expensive. People pay a lot of money to look gay. Uh... Uh... Tone it down. Uh... Uh...

Starting point is 01:32:36 I'm reading a food blog. I read it because a porn star writes it. You know, I'm tired of watching you have sex. I want to get to know you. Come on. Open up. Anyway, in Great Britain, they call ladybugs ladybirds

Starting point is 01:33:00 because red is the color of noble women and they fly like birds and in this country we call them ladybugs because they're not fucking birds. I don't like what a bird looks like. Martin Phillips has done it again. I mean you are unstoppable. So many great sets from you. It is... There's at least such a way to say I'm unstoppable.

Starting point is 01:33:33 Oh my god. Rock solid material. Unbelievable. Unbelievable structure from a guy who is off balance all the time. You came out guns a blazing, made fun of cowboys, looking gay even though you're the one with the broke back. Damn, damn, damn, yeah. Damn, yeah. But you had it for the other reason.

Starting point is 01:34:06 No. You son of a bitch. You're so, you're, you're son of, you're one of the few men I could easily rape. So you be careful over there. You be careful. Or else you're gonna see my cerebral ballsies. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 01:34:21 Hello. Hello. I wanna see your bean. Oh, my God. Matt Wright's like, Where the fuck am I right now? What is this chaos? Matt, how about the great Martin Phillips?

Starting point is 01:34:38 Dude, so fucking funny, man. Oh, thanks, dude. When, uh... When were you vaccinated? Years ago! Years ago dude. I was about the first. Fucking...

Starting point is 01:34:54 Yeah. So... Do you actually read food reviews? No, that was just... I read a Gordon Starr data app. I never actually ran for work. But I considered it. I was like, oh yeah, this might be good.

Starting point is 01:35:13 Support the art, of course. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So yeah. Favorite food? Favorite, oh no. Soup? I'm not, I'm not, I'm not that retarded. Okay, I don't know I'm not that retarded.

Starting point is 01:35:25 That's, that's charity native. Oh my goodness. He's all about, he's all about. Whoa, taking shots. Taking shots at the even less fortunate than yourself. That's absolutely incredible. These people would all kill one another if given the opportunity.

Starting point is 01:35:44 Martin, do you cook at home? Sometimes. I have a crock pot. I don't like to drop it. Yep. It's pretty dull. Crock pot is very hard to drop. It stays on the counter the entire time. Yeah. Unlike a frying pan or a regular pot, crock pot stays stable. It's hard to fuck it up. Exactly. Anyone can do it.

Starting point is 01:36:05 That's true. That's true. That's what the tagline could be. Anybody can do this shit. What do you like to make in your Crockpot? Have you ever made any hopping Johns perhaps? Actually, my dad actually makes that every New Year's. Really?

Starting point is 01:36:23 I swear to God. Look at that. He uses shake and bake. My dad actually makes that every New Year's. Really? I swear to God. Look at that. He uses shake and bake. My dad makes it, not me, my dad. Yeah, well at least something was hopping in that household. All right, I love it. Martin, what you been doing with yourself lately? Oh, I've been all over, you know.

Starting point is 01:36:43 Tour around and whatnot. Do some shows. Aaron Bellisle's bringing me around. I think he just wants to get paid twice. Because people think we're the same person. So I think that's his scheme, you know. Yeah. Yep.

Starting point is 01:37:01 That makes sense. You guys are out there touring around, getting on the airplane before everybody else. Oh yeah, I don't know what it's like to wait. I was like, what am I a peasant? Like, fuck that. I'm not waiting. Absolutely. Absolutely. You get to be on the plane anywhere but the emergency exit row. Yeah, probably. Tell that guy, you know. You ever been in the emergency? You ever just lie and pretend like... I think, well, I didn't say there was no other seat.

Starting point is 01:37:35 I don't like to sit there though, because I'm an anxious guy. So we'd hit turbulence, I'm opening the door, and you were flying out. I was like, oh, sorry, my bad, man. I'm not a good guy for a door. What else is going on, Martin? You know, I know last time I was here, I did kind of get overly heated about my driving. Yeah, you were very offended.

Starting point is 01:38:06 Which I do, which I do. But I have a good driving story I have. You've been driving? What happened? So, this is back home. It was like a narrow street. And my side mirror scraped the car. And I didn't realize that, the guy chased me down,

Starting point is 01:38:27 and he was like yelling at me and stuff, and then I give out the card, he was like, never mind, it's all, okay. Um, so, that was it. Now I thought it was like a Jena on my trick, I was like, oh fuck, so, and the best part, he apologized to me. I was like, damn.

Starting point is 01:38:51 So. Absolutely amazing. So yeah, that one's questioned me about my driving. They just been really happy for me. How much is your insurance? I never had an accident, so it's good. If you need a guy I'm friends with, shake from State Farm. Good one. Thanks. I'm not proud of him. I'm gonna have to go to his church. I don't know who your insurance company is, but thank goodness your disease isn't progressive. That is a good one.

Starting point is 01:39:32 Okay, Jesus. No, I mean it. I mean it. I mean it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Okay. And you do move like the Geico lizard, so it is incredible. We're covering all the insurance. What does that even mean? What does that mean? He's a lizard!

Starting point is 01:39:49 I don't know. How do lizards move? I don't know. I like to lose the geckos. I love how you get strangely defensive sometimes. You're like, don't make me pull my hand out of my pocket right now. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, whoa, whoa. I thought he was doing magic. Ah. Ah. Ah.

Starting point is 01:40:27 Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Ah. Martin, you do it again and again and again. Your minutes are just fucking unbelievable. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:40:38 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Clawing his way to the history books. One more time for the great Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. Alright, we gotta start to put a ribbon on this goddamn thing. Your next bucket pull is from the inside, ladies and gentlemen, representing you, the audience,

Starting point is 01:41:02 here, where anything can happen. So it's probably a first timer make some noise for Javier Ramirez oh my goodness wow from right in the corner Javier Ramirez yo what is going on world hey? Hey, hi. You like that. Yeah, I am autistic. I know it's not obvious because I'm not banging my head against the floor, but I am, you know. I am also gay, bisexual, so fuck everybody here, you know.

Starting point is 01:41:36 So, uh, probably an injury from the vaccine, if you ask me. Yeah. Well, shit. Uh... Um, yeah, you guys a big genocide crowd, yeah? You know, hey. All right. Let's see how this goes. Been kind of a news buff myself.

Starting point is 01:41:55 Kind of under-reported numbers in Israel, yeah? You know, turns out they're doing girl math out there, you know? And Gaza's having girl dinner, yeah. All right, how am I doing? Holy shit, huh? Holy fuck, I'm here, huh? Yes, God bless America.

Starting point is 01:42:13 And yeah, I love you guys. Yeah, 27, getting older. All my friends are either getting into barbecuing or grooming. Either way the meat could cook a little bit and aged meat you know you got to get a little bit into it. Yeah whatever that was. The voice of God. Absolutely. No doubt about it. Welcome to the show. Javier Ramirez. You came out. You said that you're autistic. You're gay. You're bi, which means you're also a Democrat. It's all no Trump

Starting point is 01:43:00 20, 24. Oh wow. God damn right. I'll say that. Yeah, Texas, baby. Let me do it. Oh, my goodness. Oh, yeah. Matt, right. If you are delicious, bro. Wow. Oh, my God. Yeah, you know, I'm gonna say that right now. You sound like the Easter Island head from that at the museum. Yeah, pretty much. That is me. Yeah. Wow. Holy fuck. Listen to that fucking voice. Hey, hey, can I? So I do voiceovers. You fucking better. Yeah. So I would like to put my dream out there.

Starting point is 01:43:33 Yeah. Maybe not for this show, but there's other shows at the mothership. And there's an announcer who's usually a door guy. So ladies and gentlemen, are you ready for a comedy show? Oh, come on. You can definitely do better than that. Are you ready for a comedy show? In Austin, Texas, give it up for Javier Ramirez. Yeah. Tony Hinchcliffe, whoever. It's actually pretty good. It's actually pretty good. We could probably get you to record that first part. I would love to do that. then I would very much love then we'll just give you a list of comedians names that Usually open the show. Yeah, you know

Starting point is 01:44:12 Yeah, who knows? You live here in Austin Javier, yes, yes, sir. I just moved from the fuck that guy they just say these are my friends Yes, you came with this whole crew of people. Yeah, yeah, yeah, these are my friendos, yeah. Wow. I've been here the whole time. God damn, you look good, man. I'm just gonna say. Oh, stop hitting on Matt.

Starting point is 01:44:31 I'm sorry. Oh my God. That is incredible. Hell yeah. Which, are you more gay or more straight? Which, where do you look on the spectrum? Whichever one gets me into heaven, yeah. Let me ask you a question. Is your throat as deep as your voice?

Starting point is 01:44:48 Yeah. I take after my mom actually. Yeah. Kind of a deep throat on my mom too. You know what I'm saying? Yeah. God damn. That is incredible.

Starting point is 01:45:00 Love you mom. Wow. What's your relationship with your father? Oh great actually. What's he do? He's a mechanical engineer. Smart as shit. Yeah. What's your relationship with your father? Oh, great, actually. What's he do? He's a mechanical engineer. Smart as shit. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:45:08 Smart as shit. I'm not. What do you do? I work in tech. It's a bullshit, but I do voiceover stuff. I love announcing. I love Bruce Buffer, so if you guys could introduce me to him, that'd be a dream. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:45:18 He's not going to fuck you. Yeah, probably not. I'll still try though. No, he won't. No. Yeah, hell yeah, man. I'm so happy to be here. Incredible, he won't. No. No. Yeah, hell yeah, man. I'm so happy to be here.

Starting point is 01:45:26 Incredible. What have you used your voice for before? So like commercials and IVRs and like stupid stuff like that. Anything we would recognize? Not yet. Hopefully, yeah, double kill. Yeah. Oh yeah.

Starting point is 01:45:40 Yeah, you should tell people bad news. Yeah, I should do that. Just work in a hospital? It's stage four. Yeah. Doesn't sound that bad. Yeah, I appreciate it. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:45:55 Holy fuck, can I shake your hand, brother? I'm not gonna jerk off with it later. Good to meet you, man. Thank you, man. Great to meet you, man. Hell yeah, man. Does your shirt have buttons up top? No, no, I'm kinda rocking the, you know what I'm saying, man? What's up? Yeah meet you, man. Hell yeah, man. Does your shirt have buttons up top? No, no, I'm kind of rocking the, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:46:06 What's the, I don't know how you like that. Oh my god. This is a creepy bucket pull. Speak for yourself, I'm flattered. My entire band wants to know if you know the Chocolate Rain song. Ooh, Chocolate Rain. I forget. Chocolate Rain, right? Ooh, chocolate rain.

Starting point is 01:46:25 I forget. Chocolate rain, right? Chocolate rain. I don't remember the lyrics. He doesn't know it. No, he doesn't know it. I'm sorry, bro. What a wasted opportunity that was.

Starting point is 01:46:37 Holy fuck. Wow. OK. All good. I can't believe there's another reference. I don't know. But chocolate rain is like. You still know chocolate rain? Don't do this. I can't believe there's another reference. I don't know but chocolate rain

Starting point is 01:46:46 Don't do this This is going on tonight Stop I've never heard that song in my entire life How what the fuck is going on here? Yeah, holy fuck, huh? Wake up, Tony, you're in a car accident, wake up. Something's up, dude. Yeah, man.

Starting point is 01:47:12 Jesus Christ. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. If I was blind, I'd still be able to hear songs, D Madness. Bastard. You bastard. Unbelievable. songs D Madness bastard you bastard unbelievable oh D celebrating his victory the old what are you blind all right yes sir oh my goodness is he blind Wait for real. No, I'm realizing right now.

Starting point is 01:47:56 He did not flinch. I would like for that to be on the record. He did not flinch at all. He's not flinching. In fact, he smiled at your attack. Laughing off Matt Ripe's attack right now. I had no idea. That is amazing. I do realize I forgot to tell you that. Yeah, man. That's one of the things that I tend to go over with the guests. We have a blind base player. It's like part of my ramble.

Starting point is 01:48:21 And my pre-show. He threw a towel and missed him. Wait, who threw a towel? D Madness, no throwing things, D. part of my ramble. My pre-show. I hope you get to keep that. I missed him. Wait, who threw a towel? D Madness, no throwing things, D. It got me. You're out of control. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:48:34 You hit an Asian lady in the face with a towel and she's not going to be able to drive home after this. Oh, there you go. You have something in common. Javier Ramirez. Oh, there you go. You have something in common. Javier Ramirez. Yes sir. You're autistic, you're gay, you're bi, you're stray, you're everything.

Starting point is 01:48:53 So what's the craziest sexual experience you've ever had in your life? Oh, boy. Wait a second, let me just take a moment to inform the audience and the internet that his entire very large group of friends just started going crazy when I asked this question so let's hear it go right ahead answer so I was looking up with a betas whale and chick they're kind of

Starting point is 01:49:14 cheap nowadays you know gotta go for nothing and so I didn't ship before the day which in hindsight might have been bad. Wait you when you did what I did not shit But oh you did not shit whoo-hoo out of my cock a hole And Yeah, she was trying to finish me off as they do and she was giving me head I'm sorry, you know YouTube I'm sorry, but yes, and I was laying down, very nice. And she did some kind of bail of the swill and magic on me or

Starting point is 01:49:50 something, some kind of tongue twister, you know. Uh huh. And holy shit, did I fart in her face. It was pretty bad. It was really like a bad one to you. Chuck buried her. Yeah, right. Yeah. A lot of spot on that one. You almost gave her some chocolate rain. That's a professional. That is a professional right there. Holy shit. Wow. Yeah. So then, you know, I just like laughed and I was like, well, what the fuck was that? I don't even know. Must've sounded menacing. That laugh must have sounded menacing. After you guys walked through my face.

Starting point is 01:50:25 Ha ha ha ha ha ha. One fart, maybe two. Ha ha ha ha ha. Amazing. I offered her some water to wash it down. Was that the answer you thought he was going to give? The crew that popped hard when I asked him his craziest sexual experience? I told him about it. He's the homie. Is that the answer you thought he was gonna give? The crew that popped hard when I asked him his craziest sexual experience? I told him about it. He's the homie, yeah.

Starting point is 01:50:47 Is that the one? Yeah. They're my friends through Ali too. Right, I know. She's nice. Have you slept with anybody in your friend's house? Not yet. We'll see how it goes on. Good to see you. You're an asshole too.

Starting point is 01:51:00 You gave me a fake fist bump at the little boy. I would just want to... I would love to get the fist bump back. Yes. You're talking to me? Yeah, you faggot. How did I? What are you saying? What kind of fake fist bump? What do you mean?

Starting point is 01:51:12 So it was bottom of the barrel and I was front stage and you did the weight hold double. I've been meaning to do this. Oh God, wait, what are you about to do? Uh-huh, yeah. Uh-huh, yes. Javier, stick with the point. What do you mean? Fist bump.

Starting point is 01:51:32 I was gonna give you a fist bump and then you were like, I'm good. Right, because I didn't fist bump anybody. Yeah, can I get a fist bump now? Can I get it back Tony? Are you gonna fart if I do it? I'm like, yeah, maybe. Here you go. Javier. Here's your fist bump. There you go. The prophecy is fulfilled. Javier Ramirez. Getting a little

Starting point is 01:51:55 joke book. There he goes. Caught that bitch. Thank you very much. Trump 2024. Good shit Javier. God bless America. Thank you. There he goes. The mayor of Monkeypox, ladies and gentlemen, Javier Ramirez. And it is that time, ladies and gentlemen, we've had a hell of a show. There's only one way to put a ribbon on it. It is true. He is the man, the myth, the legend,

Starting point is 01:52:19 the Tijuana tornado, the Vancouver vampire, the Toronto tarantula. The Memphis Strangler. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery! A school lunchroom lady was recently arrested for stealing one and a half million dollars worth of chicken wings.

Starting point is 01:52:54 Apparently she was good friends with David Lucas. But I just think, but I just think her name should have been a big red flag for the school Kenisha Popeye. Heiress to the Popeye's fortune. Last week in Uganda a mountain of garbage collapsed and killed 23 people which is pretty disappointing because I had visit Uganda as the 957th item on my bucket list. I'm never going to Uganda! Why did Red Band buy 101 Dalmatians from Cruella De Vil? Because he heard there were some hot dogs for sale.

Starting point is 01:53:31 You fat dumbass, you love hot dogs. And those are, a hot dog is a stolen dog. Okay. I used to be in a Christian death metal boy band and our fan base did not get along. Okay, that's my time. Exactly one minute on the absolute dot. He has indeed done it again. That's why he is the Big Red Machine,

Starting point is 01:53:59 Billy Boy, McGumballs, William Lights Out, Montgomery, the fifth, William Lights Out Montgomery, the fifth, first of his name, King of the Gandoffs, the Wizard of the Rotisserie, the Maestro of Montropolis, the Baron of the Bean, the Chocolatier of rain. The reference robot.

Starting point is 01:54:32 William Lights Out Montgomery. Tony, this is kind of a thank you, Tony. Thank you. I could go on and on. I know, thank you. This is kind of a weird one for me tonight. Yeah, why? Because, Matt, I cannot believe...

Starting point is 01:54:49 You and I have never met before. It's always been one of my biggest... Long overdue, dude. Oh, my gosh. It's so nice to see you tonight. Seriously. You're fucking hilarious, man. Well, thank you so much. It's so nice to see you tonight.

Starting point is 01:55:00 Likewise. It's very nice to see you. I'm just, like, a little embarrassed or something. I don't know what to say, Tony! It's okay. Don't very nice of you. I'm just like a little embarrassed or something. I don't know what to say, Tony. It's okay, don't freak out, William. Don't freak out, William gets a little shy. He's a little interesting. Guess what happened on Friday?

Starting point is 01:55:15 No, he's not gay. Oh, he's gonna turn on you real quick. I know, I was just asking. Wait, what the fuck did you ask your same ass head? All right, okay, so he's did you ask your guy man? All right. All right. OK, so he's like, you think I'm a guy man? No, but oh my gosh, I went to Perry's Steakhouse. They have a wonderful deal on pork chops on Friday.

Starting point is 01:55:35 And I go there. Yeah, shout out to Perry's. Wonderful deal on the pork chops on Friday. And I have to go TT real bad, Tony. And I go to the bathroom, and there's this scary looking big homeless man just wandering around in there and I have to pee so bad so I go to one of the two urinals and there's shit in one of the urinals and two paper towels and he's trying to rip down the door to the freaking stall and then I go out and I tell everybody there's shit in the urinal, everybody that works here.

Starting point is 01:56:06 Nice to see you, man. Yeah, nice to see you. Nice to see you. This is William Montgomery, indeed, in the- God, I messed that up! I messed that story up in front of you, man. There's no way I would have known. You know, William has the record for all time appearances on this show, interviews on this show, everything.

Starting point is 01:56:29 The first member of the, the first living member of the Kiltoni Hall of Fame. Well, no, that's not true. Michael was alive when he got it. Yeah, and any of these keyboard warriors who think this fucking shit is easy, this shit is not fucking easy! And any of you idiots, they think you can do it. Do you like to critique me? Any of you who think you can do this, never, never. You have no idea what it takes. Do you know how long it took me to write the 101 Dalmatians

Starting point is 01:57:03 joke? Took me five fucking hours yesterday, dude! Anyway, what I was saying was that he has the record for all time appearances, interviews, everybody. He's been on almost every single show for over five years, is that right? How long's it been? Because there's this one piece of shit. I don't look at the fucking. You go ahead, go ahead. Let it out, let it out, let it out.

Starting point is 01:57:33 Do you know the words to chocolate rain? No, but what were you saying, Tony? I just. I was gonna say, all time record holder for appearances on the show, and I don't think I've ever seen you quite as shy in front of anyone as Matt Wright here. Super shy right now.

Starting point is 01:57:49 Again, we have never met. Oh man, he just winked at me, Tony. Whoa! William's famous for winking. Really? You didn't know that? I didn't know that. When he does it, a special noise happens

Starting point is 01:58:03 and everything, a little sparkle noise. Watch, watch, watch. There it is. Okay, okay. Red band. I can't do it that fast, dumb ass. You can't even. And it's weird, when Red Band gets wasted,

Starting point is 01:58:20 he loves to get just black out drunk and it looks like he doesn't blink at all, which is so funny. His eyes never fully shut. He has a gluten allergy, William, and he loves gluten, so he's constantly in an allergic state. He's staring you down, look at this. Wow, this is amazing.

Starting point is 01:58:41 William is completely disinterested in this. Ha ha ha. William, where are you from? I'm from Memphis, Tennessee. I fucking love Memphis. Good barbecue. Yeah, really good barbecue. Good barbecue.

Starting point is 01:58:53 Yeah, my gosh. Have you been to the hotel? What, the Peabody? Or, no, not the Peabody, the, uh... The one? The one in the pyramid? No, not that one. Hold on, what's The one. The one in the pyramid? No. No, not that one.

Starting point is 01:59:06 Hold on. What's another one in Memphis? The Lorraine Motel? I don't know what the name of it is. The one. It would have come up on Black Timber. Where Martin Luther King got shot? Yes. I have been there.

Starting point is 01:59:18 Really good barbecue right next door. Wait. Wait a second. Hold on. Hold on. First the bean, then chocolate rain. You're telling me Martin Luther King got shot? I knew it. I fucking knew what was coming too. So stupid.

Starting point is 01:59:35 All right, all right, all right. That was a joke. All right. So William, something interesting happened on my way back from New York City. I was lucky enough to be able to hitch a ride on a friend's jet. And the jet had an engine problem and had to make an emergency landing in, of all places, Memphis, Tennessee.

Starting point is 02:00:01 And immediately we find out that oh shit, they don't have the part for the jet and we're gonna have to take a commercial flight and the next one's not available for three or four hours. So we get a commercial flight and then we have three or four hours in Memphis, Tennessee. So guess who I called and messaged? My papa.

Starting point is 02:00:21 And? My mama. That's right, papa didn't respond right away, so I immediately hit up mama. And they started giving me restaurant recommendations and hotel recommendations. But that was before I realized we could get a commercial flight out of there, because I thought I might have to stay in Memphis. So there I am communicating with your lovely parents,

Starting point is 02:00:39 who I'm very close with. And it turns out I didn't have enough time to go to the restaurant that they recommended. So I looked up restaurants that were close to the airport, right down the street on Elvis Presley Boulevard, where the airport is. And it turns out it was an Elvis-themed restaurant. And we only had about an hour and a half, two hours

Starting point is 02:01:01 to eat food. And of all the days that I could have had an emergency landing in Memphis, Tennessee, I swear to God it was indeed, of course, Elvis Presley Day. Yeah. And so there we are thinking, okay, we're just gonna go get some quick Memphis barbecue real quick at this fucking Elvis joint. And there's a wait, everybody's dressed like Elvis the place is fucking insane and

Starting point is 02:01:27 So I spent some time in Memphis. I love it. Well, you should have gone to mom and pop his house I wanted to I know you should have gone over there I was really close to making that move, but I tried to make it back to make it to Monday Night Raw Which I also wasn't able to do that shout out to Sammy Zane Pat Pat McAfee. Well Tony, I'm glad the plane didn't crash or something. We wouldn't even be here today. Could you imagine that?

Starting point is 02:01:51 Just nobody, there wouldn't be a line outside, nothing. Yikes. It did crash. You have to be careful, Tony. That is true. I've always told you about the private jets. You know that. Okay.

Starting point is 02:02:01 You know I have, Tony. I don't take private jets, William. I don't take private jets. It was a special instance. Okay. Be careful. I fly commercial with the people. I'm a man of the people. I take Southwest flights.

Starting point is 02:02:18 Position group B. Because I like to be mixed in with normal humans. I like to be able to write material and connect with the people, but I take jets any chance I get. Um, it's truly a superior way of travel, and once you start, there's really no going back. It's after you take a jet once,

Starting point is 02:02:37 you're just furiously angry on flights. Even if you're in first class, it's disgusting. It's dis... All right, I'm kidding. Uh, so William, anything else crazy happening this week? Just Remnant 2, it's some video game, Tony. I think I've put in 40 hours the past four days. That's 10 hour days of the math on that, but yeah, it's Remnant 2, it's a third person shooter. You can upgrade your character,

Starting point is 02:03:04 you can upgrade everything about it, but yeah, it's remnant too. It's a third person shooter. You can upgrade your character. You can upgrade everything about it, but yeah, I cannot get enough of that. I'm about to go back and play until probably 5 a.m. tonight. I have to be careful, Matt. I've been playing it all night long. Poor guy. I know, I don't know how to stop. Wow.

Starting point is 02:03:20 I don't know how to talk to you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Everything you say is a mystery, dude. Well, nice to be here, Tony. Thank you. William, we love you. He ain't ever gonna stop. There goes William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 02:03:38 Perhaps one of the greatest hot dog jokes I've ever seen in my life. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in. Make some noise for fucking Matt Rife. What a great fucking, what a great time we had. MattRifeOfficial.com for his new world tour. Also lucid on Netflix, number one right now. Matt, you're the fucking man. So much fucking fun. Dude, you have the fucking best fans, man. Thank you so much for letting me do this.

Starting point is 02:04:03 Thank you so much. A true pleasure to have you. Shout out to Squarespace, Strap King, Zipper Cooter, Shopify, and Hymns. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Red Band, would you like to say something? Check out the Sunset Strip atx.com. Love you guys. Indeed.

Starting point is 02:04:19 We do love you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. We'll see you again soon. Good night. Thank you. We'll see you again soon. Good night. Thank you. Bye bye. The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Starting point is 02:05:17 Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you

KILL TONY - #679 - MATT RIFE

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