KILL TONY - #681 - GREG FITZSIMMONS + SAM JAY

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch go to DeathSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Redman Company Live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas.

Starting point is 00:00:49 For a brand new episode of their lives, huh? We are here. Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Hi. Skill Tony brought to you by Simply Safe Talkspace and ExpressVPN. Guys, how about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Wow. Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Esteban Viejo,

Starting point is 00:01:45 Michael Gonzalez. Fucking quiet ass crowd, make some fucking noise for the band. Matt Mueling on the electric, John Dease. And the great D Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Michael, what is it? It's not Esteban Viejo. What is it? It's fucking Raul Vallejo, ladies and gentlemen. Ah ha ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha. The horn section. Groovline horns, ladies and gentlemen. Or as I call them, nachos bel grande. Indeed, a lot of fun stuff planned this episode.

Starting point is 00:02:29 Action packed before we start. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible for you for free right now here live. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. When you're working out at Planet Fitness, it's a judgment-free zone, so you can really step up your workout.

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Starting point is 00:03:48 Yeah! Well, well, well. Every single week, I have some of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This week, no different. One of the returns of one of our favorite, greatest guests in the history of the show, and I love to debut a brand new guest

Starting point is 00:04:06 who's never done it before. You know her from the roast of Tom Brady with me. You know him as one of the greatest guests and comedians in the history of the show. Make some noise for Sam Jay and Greg Fitzsimmons. Yeah! Fuck yeah. Sam Jay. And Irish Goat. Greg Fitzsimmons. Booyah.

Starting point is 00:04:27 A perfect chemistry mix here tonight. Two amazing comedians, both from the Boston area, the Upper East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East

Starting point is 00:04:35 Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side, the East Side comedians, both from the Boston area,

Starting point is 00:04:49 the Upper East Coast. Welcome to the show, Sam J. What's up, bro? Welcome, welcome. I'm excited. I'm excited to have you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Word, I'm also worried I'm gonna end up fishing

Starting point is 00:04:58 with Kyle Rittenhouse after this and I don't. It could end up happening. It could end up happening. I don't want that, I don't want that. I don't want the shits. I did go a little wild during the commercial break. I don't normally do that, but I don't know what came out of me, but I've been on Twitter all weekend and shit's wild over there.

Starting point is 00:05:17 I just didn't expect chanting. That seemed a bit... Sam and I have been partying continuously with each other ever since the Tom Brady roast. We had a fucking magical night and we continue that. Took her out on our first river trip yesterday. Why did you assume that was my first river? In Austin.

Starting point is 00:05:37 All right, cool. Yeah, it's different here. Everywhere else you've been on it. Tony was like, you're black, have you ever been in a boat? I was like. Yeah. Well, historically. It's true. And true to the stereotype, when we all went,

Starting point is 00:05:52 jumped in the water, you stayed on the boat yesterday. In very comfortable fashion, there was no consideration whatsoever of jumping in the water. One more time for the return of Greg Fitzsimmons, ladies and gentlemen. His new special, You Know Me, is out now at Greg Fitzsimmons Comedy on YouTube, fitzdog.com for his dates coming up in Tulsa and San Francisco. Greg, welcome. It's great to be back.

Starting point is 00:06:19 It's just great to see the excitement in these faces out here. It really is. Just drunk and high and... Perfect for comedy. It's amazing. We have a sleepy cowboy right here. This guy's just fucking exhausted. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:36 We have a Mexican with braces right here. That's a rare treat. That's a very rare treat. My goodness. What do you do? Chew the bushes while landscaping? It's incredible. What a diverse audience we have here.

Starting point is 00:06:50 It's absolutely amazing what we have here. It's Sam Jay is in Sacramento and New York City at the Gramercy Theater. Sam Jay Comedy for tickets for that. Sam's first time as a guest on the show. We're gonna have a lot of fun. Sam you might not know that 237 human beings names are inside of this bucket right now. A few of them here on the inside. Some fans that perhaps signed up for their first chance at being on the show. The rest are filled in a bar

Starting point is 00:07:21 across the street. I pull one of these names, hand it over here, and one of our amazing people go grab them from across the street at that bar. When they get up here, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. They've gone over their time and then we interview them

Starting point is 00:07:48 Uh, I interview them and we all just fucking hang out and pitch in and play around and figure out More about them and what makes them interesting they go from being a comedian To a guest on a podcast in a matter of a minute and anything can happen The whole thing is improvised and it should be a wild fucking night. Seems to be a lot of those lately. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? So we have a very special order of events tonight.

Starting point is 00:08:16 Things are a little bit out of place. William Montgomery is taking the night off everybody. Yeah. He's got a, he's got a sore throat after doing six sold out shows in Oklahoma City. He's very, very, he's, Red Band is very excited about that. William is shockingly vulnerable and weak, and he gets sick a lot, this and that. Normally he plows through.

Starting point is 00:08:41 Tonight he's off, so we have flipped, reversed, and skipped an order. Hans Kim is out tonight. this and that. Normally plows through. Tonight he's off. So we have flipped, reversed and skipped an order. Hans Kim is out tonight. David Lucas is out of town. So to start tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, I am going to present a legend of the show who's only had a few appearances. This young buck came on the scene. We all fell in love with him and he's been working really hard. He works here at the Comedy Mothership. You know him. You love him. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Heath Cordes, everybody. Here we go. And

Starting point is 00:09:19 it has begun. A while ago when I was in Alabama, I was living in Alabama. My mother, my mother, she sent me nude pictures of herself on my cell phone. Roll Tide. I'm on my cell phone. We're all tied. No. It was an accident. It was an accident. I hope it was an accident. That's all you can do. You can only hope, because when your mother sends you

Starting point is 00:09:59 those pictures, you definitely don't reply to make sure. Just checking, is this for me? No, you don't do that with your mother. You report her, she's in jail. All right, thank you. There you go. A new minute from Heath Cordes. That's how it's done.

Starting point is 00:10:30 Adorable, sweet, goodness gracious, Heath. How'd your mom's, what do your mom's nudes look like? I don't know how to answer that question. It was disturbing. I was going in for surgery that day and she got the numbers mixed up, her boobie call, and she was like, good luck, I hope it goes well. And then she's like 30 minutes later she's like, here's something for you. Wow. Was she at the hospital with you at the time? No, she was long distance, long distance. It's a long distance relationship.

Starting point is 00:11:06 Yeah. That should be part of the joke, by the way. Yeah. When you went in for the surgery, did you say, can you lop off my dick while you're at it? I said, please put me under, please. John Dees on the keyboard asks a good question. Do you still have the pic?

Starting point is 00:11:28 No. What happened to it? I deleted it. I deleted it very fast. You piece of shit. Immediately. Everyone here wants to see it. We could have put it up.

Starting point is 00:11:39 I can give her your number, Tony, if you want. No, it's OK. Is she tiny and young looking too? Is she a spinner? She looks good for her age. She looks not bad. Sam Jay, what do you think about this young buck? I'm glad you addressed the tiny young looking thing because I was very confused.

Starting point is 00:11:56 Yeah. And I didn't know, I didn't want to be inappropriate and like ask some fucked up shit. Because when he asked you upstairs I was like, why are you letting this kid? And I thought you was going to come out and do some cute kid shit. Like I don't know. What's a dancer? I don't know. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:12:13 Was it cute? Did you like it? Did you think it was cute? I liked it, but then I was thinking like, damn, he fucks adult women, so are they like child molester-ish? You get what you can take. I get it, bro. That's crazy, bro.

Starting point is 00:12:25 But also, if there's a lot of yous out there, we should be offering them up to the molesters and just solve a problem. Absolutely. I enjoyed you. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. 100%. Greg, what do you think about this young buckarini?

Starting point is 00:12:41 Well, I'll tell you, I just got down south and I was trying to watch some porn today. Not trying. And they have this thing where they make you, they take a picture of your face to see if you look old enough for porn. You're fucked. Yeah. Like, they literally say, look into your kid. Did you know this?

Starting point is 00:13:01 I just went to their easy porn site. Oh, you went to their easy porn site. Yeah. Just one that don't require the face. Oh, I didn't know that. I went to X, I went to X Hamster. Oh, nah. Yeah. Once they wouldn't let me in X Hamster, I was like, all right, I'm not doing face recognition for this.

Starting point is 00:13:15 I'll just find other porn. You could go on VXNN or whatever. They let you do that here. But you love X Hamster enough to register your face with them. Yeah, except to recognize me, I enough to register your face with them. Yeah, except to recognize me I had to squint and look sad. You know you wouldn't have to do that if you used ExpressVPN. Go to the website expressvpn.com slash kill Tony and you get an extra three months free. That's slash kill Tony at ExpressVPN.com.

Starting point is 00:13:47 What kind of porn do you watch, Heath? This is a creepy question. Ask a boy that looks 11, but go right ahead and tell us. I like mom's stuff. Ah, hell yeah. Mr. I deleted the picture. Sure. I deleted the picture. Sure. I deleted the picture. After you made it your wallpaper.

Starting point is 00:14:10 Heath, we love you. You're working hard at the craft, and you're a fucking little freak. Way to get the show started here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Catch him working at the mothership. Catch him doing his stuff. Follow him on social media.

Starting point is 00:14:27 A star of the future, 22-year-old Heath Cordes, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for Heath. And now to the bucket we go. Oh, I know this guy. He actually works here at the mothership. A lot of these mothership people sign up every single week and very rarely get on.

Starting point is 00:14:44 How about a handhip people sign up every single week and very rarely get on? How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Get in us drinks, fixing the mic, setting it back to human height. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night. An employee here at the mothership. Make some noise for Fuzzy, everybody. It's Fuzzy.

Starting point is 00:15:04 Yeah. Yeah. I grew up Muslim, and the worst part about it is that you don't get a badass leader. You don't get someone cool like Jesus. He's cool. You guys get that. That's awesome. I got to look up to the Prophet Muhammad. There's no pictures. I don't even know what the fuck this guy looks like. Every picture of Jesus, awesome.

Starting point is 00:15:31 Just him at the Last Supper getting fucked up with his 12 best friends. That's relatable. He's cool, dude. He's so cool. Jesus is so cool. Some people say he was black. There are no cool theories about the prophet Muhammad, huh? I got one.

Starting point is 00:15:52 I believe the reason there are no pictures, no photos, is because he was a fat white girl. No, stop it, Allah. No, I feel fat. And Allah was just her black boyfriend, like, nah, you look good, though, bitch. All right, that's my time. Thank you. There you go. Fuzzy, everybody.

Starting point is 00:16:21 Some good shit fuzzy. Thanks. I like it. I normally don't love religious jokes, Fuzzy, everybody. Some good shit fuzzy. Thanks. I like it. I normally don't love religious jokes, because it's usually some of the oldest, you know, it's like the oldest topic, literally, of all time. But you have great perspective there.

Starting point is 00:16:37 Very fun stuff. Yeah. Yeah. I don't think anyone else is calling Muhammad a fat white girl. That is true. That's exactly my point, is you were able to dig in and find some perspective, it's true.

Starting point is 00:16:50 Jesus could have been black, I like it, and fat white girl makes sense. Yep, it all checks out. Do you think that the Muslims are gonna be mad at you for describing Muhammad that way? Yeah, honestly I was taking a shit and my name got called and I didn't know what to do and I just fucking just did the Mohammed as a fat white girl.

Starting point is 00:17:07 I didn't think that was good enough. And I'm probably gonna get fucking fatwad now, so. Well, you're really putting the fat into fatwad. Yeah. Yeah, no doubt. You've been eating all of the food you can possibly get. Yeah, I'm a fat Muslim. That's my superpower. Amazing. Yeah, it looks like it. Indeed.

Starting point is 00:17:30 How long you been doing stand-up fuzzy? Four years. And you work here? Yeah. What else do you do? What do we not know about you? You've been on the show a couple times. Well, right now I'm walking everywhere

Starting point is 00:17:40 because my car keeps getting stolen. Your car keeps getting stolen? Yeah. How many times has your car gotten stolen? Four. Uh, what? Yeah. That's what I fucking saying, huh? What the fuck's going on?

Starting point is 00:17:56 Why do you think this keeps happening? It's a Kia. Are you leaving the Kia in the ignition? How the fuck does that happen four times? Kia's have locks? No, it's a fucking, like, manufacturing flaw that you can... It's the Kia boys. Have you heard of the Kia boys? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:18:14 So it's a viral TikTok trend that showed that you can easily steal a Kia with just an aux cord. There's a fix for it, though. You get a free fix. It doesn't work. I got it. There you go. These kids are smart. You get a free fix. It doesn't work. I got it. There you go. These kids are smart. These kids are smart. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, so it keeps getting stolen.

Starting point is 00:18:30 It's been stolen four times. Have you tried riding your magic carpet at all? Yeah. Does it not work when you're a heavy Muslim? It doesn't work the same, huh? I think you need to keep walking and get down to magic carpet weight., huh? I think you need to keep walking, get down to magic carpet weight.

Starting point is 00:18:47 I think, I think, I think Muhammad is trying to tell you something. More walking is in order. I love it. What else? Nothing, I just do this, I work. I really am not living enough life, to be honest, I'm realizing right now.

Starting point is 00:19:07 This took a turn. Jesus. Yeah, it does. Much like the planes on 9-11, this took a turn. Which brings us back to you, Muslim fuzzy. Where were you on 9-11? I was in Pakistan. Oh, not suspicious at all.

Starting point is 00:19:26 Yeah. Wrong answer, bro. Yeah, the second worst... You said you were taking a shit. You said earlier. Pakistan is the second worst answer next to in the cockpit of one of the flights. Fucking unbelievable, Fuzzy.

Starting point is 00:19:46 So how soon after 9-11 did you move here? No, I'm from here. I was born in America. We were in Pakistan visiting family. Just visiting. Just visiting. Hanging out. Coincidentally. Yeah, what a coincidence. And then my cousins took a flight a couple days earlier than me.

Starting point is 00:20:04 They let you back in the country? Yeah. No, they shut fucking flights down for like three weeks. I bet. And then I missed like the first fucking month of kindergarten. Oh, yeah. It was fucked up, dude. And then I came back and everyone was like,

Starting point is 00:20:19 Fuzzy did 9-11. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just. Yeah. Yeah. I'm just trying to figure out what the fuck Pluto is. I'm an active terrorist. The towers went down and you're like,

Starting point is 00:20:34 well I fucking miss kindergarten bro, so I'm fucked up. Yeah, when you got back to kindergarten, were you just stacking towers of blocks and then flying paper airplanes into them? It could happen again, bitch. Yeah, all the white kids are like, ugh, ugh, ugh.

Starting point is 00:20:52 You guys are both from Boston, where one of the flights famously took off from. Your TSA was very weak that day. How do we feel about Boston? Well, I just remember afterwards, I lived in New York and I remember that they stopped, do you remember this, they stopped all flights in Boston and New York, they stopped all rides to the airport in private cars, you could only take a taxi. Because what better way of stemming the flow of Muslims than only allowing taxis to drive

Starting point is 00:21:24 to the airport. They knew what they were doing. I think it was a reverse thought process. They were like, we're gonna flood them all in here, run these prints. One stop shop this thing. Fuzzy, what do you think is the most Muslim thing about you?

Starting point is 00:21:40 My dick. Wow. Is it Fuzzy too? Yeah. All right. Yeah, I got a fucking little Osama bin Laden jr. Down there You know what I'm saying? Big dicks like I think it calls it. I think he calls it Osama bin Laden because it looks like it's hiding in a cave

Starting point is 00:22:02 You already have a joke book, right? Yeah. All right, there he goes. Fuzzy, ladies and gentlemen, onto the next one. And it has begun the number one comedy show in the world. And we're here all together now. Indeed, this podcast is sponsored by Game Time. If you know me, you know how much I love live events from music and comedy

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Starting point is 00:24:53 Here comes Mackenzie Jewell. Oh wow, Mackenzie. Hey gang. How are we doing? All right guys, this is a bit that I like to do. I call it if Predator from the movie Predator was on Chris Hansen's to catch a Predator. Predator? Predator, why didn't you send that text to that girl?

Starting point is 00:25:27 Yeah. I was homeschooled. I was very socially deprived. Have you ever been so socially deprived that when you read Anne Frank, you low-key fall in love with her? Because I was reading it, and I was like, I'm like, she's funny, like... She's not like other girls.

Starting point is 00:26:04 I watched so much porn and homeschooling She's not like other girls. I watched so much porn and homeschooling that when I saw women in real life, I was like, why you ain't got tentacles, bitch? Thank you. Mackenzie Jewell has arrived. This is your first time on Kill Tony, right? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:23 How long you been doing stand-up? About a year and a half. Where at? Houston. I love it first time on Kill Tony, right? Yeah. How long you been on standup? About a year and a half. Where at? Houston. I love it. That's where you live now? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:31 I love it. How old are you? 22. Were you working? You going to school? What are you doing? Just working. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:38 Graduated from Hogwarts and now you're... What are you doing for work? I do marketing and editing, freelance editing. Ooh, you know what that noise means. What does it mean? I don't know. Oh, okay. I've been working with Red Band for 11 years.

Starting point is 00:26:53 No, it's a Harry Potter thing, so you're magical. Oh, hell yeah. Okay, Mackenzie, I love it. What do you do for fun? What are 22 year olds like you doing for fun nowadays? You, you know, I just be thrifting, you know. Oh shit, okay. Okay, Mackenzie. What are you looking for when you're out there thrifting? Man, some of that car heart shit.

Starting point is 00:27:17 Wow. Amazing. How many times have you stolen Fuzzy's Kia? Uh, I'm not sure. I love it. I don't steal. Have you ever stolen anything your whole life? Not the candy store or something like that? You seem like you would steal from a candy store, a couple of gumballs or something like that?

Starting point is 00:27:41 One time I was at Target and I stole like a Katniss Everdeen action figure. And my mom made me like come back and like try it. She was like, can you take his money? And they were like, we can't take the money. So. Wow, you got away with it. My goodness, look at you. Amazing.

Starting point is 00:28:00 What do you guys think of this 22 year old amazing transgender comedian that we have here? Well, he said he never stole, but he stole that bit about the predator. I've seen the predator becoming the predator. I've seen that 27... I'm kidding. I've never heard that fucking joke before. That's the weirdest joke I've ever heard in my life.

Starting point is 00:28:23 And someday, when you think of a punchline for it, it's gonna be amazing. Yeah, right. Yeah, good. Thank you. The great, great Fitzsimmons dropping an amazing bit of knowledge. You scared the hell out of him. I literally heard his pussy dry up

Starting point is 00:28:40 when you hit him with that. That was amazing. I was like, oh, shit. Oh, yeah. I do, yeah, I have gotten that criticism before about, yeah, the no punch line, but, you know, we'll see. Yeah. We'll see. Sam Jay, how does it feel being on stage with the second funniest lesbian comedian in the

Starting point is 00:28:58 world right now? I'm honored. No. I think, I liked it, dude. I feel like you and the one that looked like a child, y'all should go out and get pussy together. That's what I was thinking the whole time. You got that unsuspecting, like, I'm kind of weird.

Starting point is 00:29:19 Let me suck your titty thing. And then he got the, I look like a kid thing. Yep. Y'all could probably scoop up mad hoes. Yep. As a combination. You guys would clean up at the playground. Yeah. Like, autistic hangovers.

Starting point is 00:29:36 Yeah, that's what I was thinking. You see the vision. Hell yeah. Yeah. It's like the hangover, but if you guys only had one drink, you guys would be that fucked up in the store. And white girl crunk just lightweight as fuck. Yeah, white cloth. You got it, baby.

Starting point is 00:29:50 You know what it is. Let's write it later. Um... I'm noticing a little slang. I'm noticing a little streets for someone with glasses as thick as yours. Are you in Houston? Are you from a very diverse neighborhood? Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:04 Shout-out to the faux-faux. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my goodness gracious. I was not on the streets, but I was in the window. Wow. My goodness. Any black people in here? There's one right here, yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:22 What? I don't know if you noticed. It's one right here, yes. What? Don't know if you noticed. It's like if Mickey Bummin had a stronger neck. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:33 I didn't hear that. That's my bad, but I'm sure it was good. Yeah. It was. It worked. It was. Yeah. It was.

Starting point is 00:30:41 What do you think is the most hood thing about you, coming from the faux faux? think is the most hood thing about you, coming from the faux faux? Man, the most hood, I mean, you know, I just, I try to stand on business when I can. Oh my goodness. I try. My goodness, you're like Mike Jones's tutor or something like that. This is absolutely incredible I feel young because every reference y'all make is just like going way over. Wow. Like who?

Starting point is 00:31:11 Fuzzy Vans. Who's McLovin? Yeah. Oh wait, McLovin? Yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah I got your dress like, you know Yeah, you're like a wild Pokemon. How about that one? Yeah. Oh, yeah. There you go, you get that one. Thank you. Game stop. Amazing. What do you do for fun? Other than stand up comedy? Yeah, um, yeah, nah, nothing.

Starting point is 00:31:34 It's just kind of my whole thing. You must have a hobby. There must be some kind of setup. Yeah, well I like to scrapbook. Scrapbook? I like to junk journal, yeah. What do you put in your scrapbook? You know, I'll just, like, cut up, like, magazines

Starting point is 00:31:49 and comic books and shit. Oh, you're a young serial killer. This is amazing. I like to cut out the eyes of women out of magazines and make my own women that I would like to be with. What is time that's called? So is it delivered or you go to the store to get 16 magazine? Yeah, just thrift and whatever I can.

Starting point is 00:32:11 Just scrap paper, found some stuff today. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Yeah, but you know. One of the most frightening answers in the show's history, by the way, scrapbooking of all the insane people. Aren't they looking for a serial killer here? Yes.

Starting point is 00:32:25 Yeah, I've never done it, but yeah, we'll see. Ha ha ha. I like your style, buddy. Oh, thank you. Thanks for making the drive down. Here's a big joke book. There you go. Mackenzie Jewell has made it to the KilToni universe, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:32:46 Back to the bucket we go. This is an interesting one, a one-word name. Those historically are always very interesting. Risky business here, one-word names in the history of KilToni. Make some noise for Goliath. Oh, it's inside? Doesn't say that. Okay, Goliath, all right. Okay, Goliath is inside. Most of them are at the bar. Usually, if they're inside, there's an I next to their name,

Starting point is 00:33:26 which indicates that. Here he is, Goliath everybody. Hi everybody. My name's Goliath. My girlfriend calls my dick David. Still haven't figured out if that's a compliment or an insult, but the reason she said she named him that was because as soon as I get my rocks off, I pass the fuck out. So I come from a crazy family. My dad was in the

Starting point is 00:33:51 Navy. My mom was a biker so that means my first word was fuck. I have I've always been told that I've got a big mouth but I have a bigger personality but I have a bigger heart both medically and metaphorically but there's I've always been told that I've got a big mouth, but I have a bigger personality, but I have a bigger heart, both medically and metaphorically. But I've always been told there's nothing small about me, except for maybe David. But that's my time. Thank you guys so much.

Starting point is 00:34:13 40 seconds. I was not expecting to get called tonight. Well, I mean, why would you expect to get called tonight? Fair enough. I did my best. Have you been on here before? I have not, no, actually never. I've been in the crowd many times. Okay. Well, good to see you, Goliath. How long have you been trying standup comedy? This has been my sixth

Starting point is 00:34:34 or seventh time on stage. Okay. Where do you live? I live in Las Vegas, but I work in the music industry, so I mostly travel. What do you do in the music industry? I do tour management, security, and I drive tour buses. That sounds about right. The look checks out for that completely. Thank you, I appreciate it. Something about those big crusty beards. People like you love being in that industry.

Starting point is 00:34:53 Yeah. You drive the tour bus late at night. Yes sir. You sleep during the day for that. Most of the time. It's an interesting job. A very interesting gig. So much trust and responsibility, because you have to drive extremely talented people,

Starting point is 00:35:08 other people pay vast sums of money to see, and no one knows who you are, gives a fuck about you, right? And, like, so, like, when you're back, you know, it's like 3 a.m., 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 4 a.m., those eyes get a little heavy, right? 5 a.m., and all of a., 3 a.m., 4 a.m. Those eyes get a little heavy, right? 5 a.m. and all of a sudden, you're thinking about, holy shit, if I crash right now,

Starting point is 00:35:30 people will never hear Creed again or something like that. No. Nope. You've actually kept me awake a lot of nights. Really? I really appreciate Kill Tony and everything you guys do here. There you go.

Starting point is 00:35:42 So thank you guys very much. It was awesome just to stand here. There you go. I saved Creed's life. You did? I keep your eyes wide open. That was good. I'm complimenting myself. That was good.

Starting point is 00:35:54 That was quick. That was good. Can't plan for that. Segue right into it and I hit the notes. Okay, so let's talk about it. What else? What else makes you interesting? How old are you? I've been in the music industry since I was 15, but I'm 32. 32.

Starting point is 00:36:11 Before I started driving tour buses, I was a bodyguard tour manager, merch guy. But before I did that, I worked for Google for a little bit. When I was a teenager, I used to run one of the largest underground music sharing websites in the world. Not Napster, but right

Starting point is 00:36:25 That's not a lie. It was called it leak calm. I actually ran it. That's how I got into the music industry Wow, bitch, I heard like seven people say that shit You just got back it up and the people that watch this later will back just got dosed with street cred from Sam J I love it. What else about you? Do you really have a tiny penis? Is that what's implied really have a tiny penis? Is that what's implied by David being your penis? They don't call me Goliath because I'm tall. Wow.

Starting point is 00:36:54 Do you ever steer the wheel with it when you're driving at night? I've thought about it, honestly. Yeah, a couple times. Very good. You gotta stay awake somehow. You only did 40 seconds tonight. How long have you ever done on stage before?

Starting point is 00:37:07 I could probably do three to five minutes. Oh, interesting. Greg Fitzsimmons, you've seen a lot of people come and go and start and you've been around a long time. What do you think Goliath's chances are of being one of the best comedians in the world one day? Please be gentle, Greg. Well, you started Napster and you're dressed

Starting point is 00:37:31 in secondhand street gear. So I don't think you're really good at cashing in on your talents. But you look like Brian Poseyne, so you have a shot. You do look like Brian Poseyne. I'll take it. He's a little taller than me, but I'll take it. OK, well, Goliath, here's a little Brian Posey. I'll take it. He's a little taller than me, but I'll take it. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:37:46 Okay. Well, Goliath, here's a little joke book. I'll take it. Hell yeah. You're going to have to. Thank you so much. There's no other option. This is a lot of fun.

Starting point is 00:37:54 Thank you guys. There he goes, Goliath. I'm going to count that 40 seconds of mediocrity as a bomb. And with that, that means I bring to the stage a special force, if you will. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the long-awaited return of Drew Nickens. -♪ Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, Drew, I'm blacker than Kamala Harris! Yeah! When I first got my head injury, I was in a dark place. But you know what pulled me out of it?

Starting point is 00:38:32 The children's TV show The Wiggles! Y'all know The Wiggles. Fruit salad! Yummy, yummy! They're actually doing a tour across the U.S. 18 and up. And I'm so excited, because I'll be able to see my favorite music group

Starting point is 00:38:51 and not be put on a registry. And imagine all the hipsters that are gonna be so fucked up on Coke and Molly if people watch it for days. But don't worry, I'll be safe, because I'm gonna wear a helmet to the mosh pit! But I know I'm going to fire my soulmate. We're going to lock eyes, and two years later,

Starting point is 00:39:14 we're going to get married out of Dave and Busters! And our registry is going to be a Buc-E's and Taco Bell! And don't worry, I'm gonna get head in the parking lot of a Wiggles concert, because that sounds like a bucket list item. Fruit salad! No, you'll be. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:39:35 All right, Drew Nickens, coming in, owning the fucking room. I don't even know what the Wiggles are, but it seems like some people do. But if I had to guess what the type of person that would watch a show called The Wiggles would look like, that's what the police sketch in my head would look like. It would look like you, Drew. I went to the Wiggle Room? No Wiggles!

Starting point is 00:39:57 Oh, my goodness. There's a local bar called The Wiggle Room for the millions of people that didn't understand what he's talking about there. The literal millions of people. There's a small bar in the Wiggle Room for the millions of people that didn't understand what he's talking about there. The literal millions of people. There's a small bar in Austin called the Wiggle Room. D Madness is going there right now. He can't hear about it without going and getting a drink from the delicious Wiggle Room. Sam, what do you think about sweet Drew Nickens here?

Starting point is 00:40:21 That was fire. What's up, bro? That was fire because it was in the tone of every 90s commercial I ever grew up watching. So my brain was just programmed for it. I don't even know what you said, but I felt good at the end. I was like, yeah, that was complete. I feel good as shit. I don't even know why.

Starting point is 00:40:40 So to say, hey, Tyler Perry, just be in my brain, working witchcraft. You did the same thing. That was fun. Yeah. Greg, this is your first time seeing Drew Nickens. What do you think about this bundle of energy? Well, I mean, the outfit alone... I mean, it really is like you expect to see, like, a Karen getting into a slap fight

Starting point is 00:41:04 on the sideline of a soccer game. You got the white New Balance and the mom jeans and the teeth, how do you describe the teeth? Let's just say if there was a plane accident and they had to identify you by your teeth, you could tell very quickly. Yeah. They're very distinct.

Starting point is 00:41:23 Do you open bottles with them? He drinks a lot of energy drink. Tell Greg here how many energy drinks you consume in about a week. So actually I've been cutting down on my energy drink consumption. I've been thinking about my health and I'm only at 700 milligrams a day now instead of a thousand. Rock and roll. Hell yeah. I love it, that's a lot. So how many cans of energy drink does that measure out to about?

Starting point is 00:41:51 It measures out to be about four to three. Four to three, I like how you did that. Four to three, we're working backwards here. Yeah, Tarantino answer. Yes, Tarantino style. It's between four and two. I feel like I gotta call Child Protective Services. It's like, that's not okay, but.

Starting point is 00:42:11 He gives reviews on his Instagram. I think they're hilarious. Thank you. Yeah, absolutely adorable set, Drew. You came out Gunzablazin' blacker than Kamala Harris, which is true, believe it or not. Drew Nickens, I it or not. Drew Nickens, I've seen pictures, his father is black. It is unbelievable. He's truly black.

Starting point is 00:42:31 I'm half black, Sam. He's very excited to be black. I swear! She looked like she wanted to kill me. Listen, man, weirder things have happened. I gotta see the pic, though. It is true. Yeah, I need happened. I... I gotta see the pic though. It is true. Yeah, I need confirmation. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:42:48 It is true. It looks exactly like if there was a pic of you and him. If you're wondering what it looks like, it looks like you and him. I wanna say, that's crazy. You know he was really black if he pulled out a blackberry just now instead of an eyeball. That is his dad's nickname, Blackberry. They're evolving, folks. They're evolving to not get abused by the police.

Starting point is 00:43:10 They are evolving. This is the newest model of black person. See? You getting me close to the written house every time he talks. Look at that. You know what? Not for nothing, this is the black guy I had in my mind. Hell yeah!

Starting point is 00:43:24 If he is black, he one of them that look like, you know, the white lady got him coming out of one of those facilities. He look Egyptian black. He got him. Okay. I got you. It is incredible. 50% black, which is technically 50% blacker than famous Indian senator Kamala Harris. It is quite incredible. I don't agree with any of what's being said. It's okay.

Starting point is 00:43:48 I know you have to say that because you live in New York City. It's all right. It's okay. You have to physically say that. It's all right. So, The Wiggles, that's on what? Nickelodeon? It was on Disney Channel. It's like an Australian TV show and it was syndicated over in the U.S.

Starting point is 00:44:04 It's a great show, great songs, great production value. They have an Octopus method. How many times would I have to get hit in the head with a baseball bat for, until I start enjoying it? Uh, I would say probably 30 seconds, 45 seconds. Perfect. Amazing. Drew, life's been good since you joined the show? Yeah, I went on my first date in two years,

Starting point is 00:44:26 like two weeks ago. Whoa! There's not gonna be a second, though. Don't worry. There's not gonna be a second date. No! What happened? She said, I can't give you what you deserve. I just want attention.

Starting point is 00:44:41 She said that? Yes! Or was that you that said that? No, she said that. I had the text messages to say it. Oh, she sent it via text? Yeah, it was. Dog, I cried to Mariah Carey like for four hours after that. Oh, you stop it. You did not.

Starting point is 00:44:56 We belong together! Wow. I mean, I give my all to hell. Okay. That's a Mariah Carey song you're singing? Yes. She knows. What the hell is that supposed to mean?

Starting point is 00:45:14 Nah, I don't know, bro. We both had to crush on Mariah Carey. What's that lie? This is like the American Idol when they be showing you the ones that didn't make it. But like, if it didn't stop, like stop like you know they cut it at some point. I love you Sam. Thanks. Drew Nickens your special force. There he goes. Drew Nickens everybody back to the bucket we go.

Starting point is 00:45:42 everybody back to the bucket we go. Totally straight guy just doing bubbles, doing manly stuff, which reminds me, Noche, UFC is going down in Las Vegas this weekend and I am excited to see who comes out on top and of course, who comes out on bottom. That's why I partnered up with DraftKings. They have an offer that's perfect right now. If you wanna get closer to the action right now,

Starting point is 00:46:09 all customers who bet only $5 will instantly get $250 in bonus bets. Download the DraftKings Sportsbook app and sign in using our promo code, KILTONY. The crown is yours. Tony, I love DraftKings. It's like having a little Las Vegas in my pocket. I can't wait for Noche UFC and to get $250 in bonus bets instantly after betting just $5. Stay in on the action and use $250 in

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Starting point is 00:47:28 Next up comes the comedy styling. 60 seconds from Mitchell McArthur, everybody. Mitchell McArthur. Here he is. Make some noise for Mitchell, everybody. Whoo! Whoo! How we doing, guys? My name is Mitchell. I'm a fan of pranks. Not that funny. I went

Starting point is 00:47:55 to a school the other day and I pulled the fire alarm. I'm genuinely surprised with how organized those blind kids were. They made out no problem. A little bit mean, but I am actually glad that I pulled the fire alarm because if I didn't, they wouldn't have seen the fire I started. I learned a little something while I was at the school blind the other day. It's actually very cheap to run. Yeah. No light bill. Little turn. Have you guys ever wondered why you never heard of a school shooter at a blind school? Too dark in there.

Starting point is 00:48:45 Sometimes I get worried about making too many blind jokes, but then I remind myself I've never heard of a blind shooter before neither, so I think I'll be all right. All right, Mitchell McArthur. Oh, shit. Unbelievable. I swear to God. Mitchell McArthur. Oh, shit. Unbelievable. I swear to God.

Starting point is 00:49:07 Even I think a lot. I'm like, did we produce that, like, to happen that way? Nope. Just fucking the comedy gods are hilarious. Deep Madness has to pee a few times an episode. He peed before you came out. You did 60 seconds of blind hating jokes, and then boom, your worst nightmare comes out from behind you. The most likable blind man currently working

Starting point is 00:49:32 in show business, consistently, week after week, eating Stevie Wonder's lunch, just out here crushing and killing after you ate it. How does it feel, Mitchell MacArthur? You would have thought the audience just out here crushing and killing after you ate it. How does it feel, Mitchell MacArthur? You would have thought the audience was deaf by how they responded to your blind jokes. Be honest, Tony, I'm just glad to be here.

Starting point is 00:49:57 I've been a fan for years. I bet you are. Absolutely. I didn't know Kiltoni could stunt somebody's growth. This is incredible to see. I him finding this out right now. Maybe you should try dating a blind girl. She won't mind the fact that you're four foot 11. I love it. Well, welcome Mitchell, you're in it right now.

Starting point is 00:50:14 You are in that show that you love so much. How long have you been attempting standup comedy? Five months at this point. Five months. Where at here in Austin? No, I've been doing it in Knoxville, Tennessee. Knoxville, Tennessee. OK, that makes sense.

Starting point is 00:50:30 Tennessee gets a lot of tornadoes. You look like you live in Oz. So what do you do for work in Knoxville? Well, I just sold a house this year, so I'm currently... You sold a house? Was it a little tiny house? Well, ironically, Tony, I actually am working on my own tiny house. Really?

Starting point is 00:50:55 Yes. What does that mean exactly? Go ahead and tell us. Well, it's kind of like in the side of a hill with like a round door. Really? Yeah. Tell us more. It's kind of like a hobbit's hole, Tony. Really?

Starting point is 00:51:07 Yeah. And it has a tiny door? No. I have, actually it is a tiny door. No, you're right. Oh, okay. You can't tell whether you want to play along with me or tell the truth right now.

Starting point is 00:51:20 I see the wheels turning. I'm a little buzz, Tony. You're a little what? Little buzz, Tony. You're a little buzz? You buzzed, Tony. You're a little buzzed? You're a little everything. Yeah. He's blind.

Starting point is 00:51:28 He's blind. D-Madness is roasting your ass, by the way. He's like, where's that? Why that sound coming from the ground right now? What's he doing? Tell him to get up. What the fuck's he doing down there? It's called stand up, not lay down. What's he doing? Tell him to get up. What the fuck's he doing down there?

Starting point is 00:51:46 It's called stand-up, not lay-down. Thank you, Red Band. Have you ever hung out with a blind person? Where do you think this hatred for blind people comes from? It's not a hatred, Tony. It's really just a joke. It was inspired by D-Madness. I love this show. Okay, good. You're good, you're recovering well.

Starting point is 00:52:08 You're recovering well. Sam Jay, what do you think about this tiny little boy? I didn't like it at all. It was mean spirited, and that's not what this show is about. That is true. That is true. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:52:25 I don't know how you made that decision. I'm just going to be raped the only blind black man I've ever met. Well I think it's mean that we don't include them. I think it's more inclusive. I don't like how you move and look like you're about to do karate. I also want you to calm down. I just, I took it as an inclusive comedy. I feel like we put people off limits then.

Starting point is 00:52:46 I feel like, yeah. What's the problem? We don't want your fucking dissertation, bitch. Your fucking philosophy on comedy. You shut the fuck up. Greg Fitzsimmons, what do you think about this tiny, tiny buckarooney? I mean, I've seen this show grow

Starting point is 00:53:01 from when we sat in the belly room at the store with 30 people in the audience to Madison Square Garden. This guy's got a shot of being on the show and he shows up dressed like a fucking lifeguard. He's shit faced and his beard is a different color than his hair. What the fuck is going on, man? This is a big shot for you. Die the whole fucking thing next time. I'm sorry that it's still color.

Starting point is 00:53:26 Which is real, the head hair or the beard hair? Both. No it's not. I'm sorry it's just, it's still there, yeah. Okay. You use just for tiny men? I haven't heard of that one. Make a great point, Greg, that I haven't thought of.

Starting point is 00:53:41 Next time we do the garden, I think we need a gnome. So, uh. Pfft. Have you ever thought about that? Have you ever thought about, uh, live, being a live gnome in somebody's, I bet there's a really rich Texan somewhere that just owns an oil field. It might be this sleepy fuck right here.

Starting point is 00:54:01 Well, that's unfortunate about it. Oh, you know what? I want a real one. Give me a little white boy with a beard and curly hair. Give him $500 an hour to stand there butt naked. We keep getting diversity hires, but nobody worries about small people. They're always forcing us into specific jobs.

Starting point is 00:54:20 Absolutely. Like, uh... Yeah, like working underneath houses and bridges. Wait a second. Hold on. Jump. I want to jump. I just heard a noise, hold on, jump. Come on, come on, do it again, do it again. Jump. Oh, very good, you guys really have this down. It's almost like it would seem like all you'd have to do is press a fucking button at the right time.

Starting point is 00:54:43 Hold on, jump again, jump again. Okay, I guess that's as close as a good. Why would your soundboard have a delay? That's a whole different problem. Either you're unprofessional one way or you're unprofessional in another way. It's not me, it's the board that I decided to use. Imagine if Deezus keyboard had a five second delay.

Starting point is 00:55:08 So as far as being short, do you make the cut in terms of like special plates and a different Olympics and all that stuff? Like, what is it five foot, is it four foot 10? How tall are you? I'm five seven. No, you're not. You're literally not fighting.

Starting point is 00:55:26 Where's the tape measure at, Yoni? Oh, we love it on this show. We love it on this show. I'm 5'7". Oh, no. Sit down, Greg. Sit down. I got news for you. We're going to do you one better, buddy. There's always a scale,

Starting point is 00:55:44 and there's always a tape measure. After 11 and a half years we learn we do this shit live. Yoni where the fuck is my tape measure? Ladies and gentlemen, Heidi with a tape measure. Make him take his shoes off, take off those fucking sandals buddy. Oh we got news for you. And make sure you go to the top of his head, not the hair. Feel that, Yoni. There you go. What do we got there, Yoni? Wait, wait, wait, wait. Straighten it out.

Starting point is 00:56:13 Right there, right... Go lower, Yoni. What do you got? I'm drinking. What is it? Five-five and a half. Five-five and a half, ladies and gentlemen. Whoo! That's a big lie. -♪ B-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b- You're right. What do you think, we're blind? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:56:46 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Fits, fits, fits, fits, fits. Fits, fits, fits, fits. Oh man. If the shoe fits, you must swear it, my little friend.

Starting point is 00:56:59 I swear I'm taller than that, still Tony. What makes you say that? I swear the last time I was at the doctor, they said six two. You're trying to be funny right now. No. I swear, my, my, if I had my wallet, I would show you five seven.

Starting point is 00:57:16 I've never heard of... Maybe I wear my shoes on. I've heard of pretty little liars. I've never heard of ugly little liars before. This is incredible what's happening here. I swear, Tony, what the fuck do you think happened? Gravity? Okay, sure, buddy.

Starting point is 00:57:34 Don't make us pull out the scale, dude. How much do you think you weigh? Oh, look at the wheels turning right now. What do you think it is, Tony What do you think it is turning? There's no doubt about it. I got him at about... 134. No chance.

Starting point is 00:57:51 Bring out the scale. What do you think? What do you think? I got him at about 115. I'll give him 118. 118, 115, that's the Red Band Hinge Cliff range right now. But take the shoes off! He wanted to wear sand now. But take the shoes off. He wanted to wear sandals.

Starting point is 00:58:07 Easy on, easy off. What are we doing here? You're weighing on. Heidi, don't change it to the metric system. What's going on there? Hold on, D. This is also on carpet, Tony, so it's not an accurate measurement.

Starting point is 00:58:19 That doesn't fucking matter. Shut the fuck up. You know wrestling. You've been weight before. Oh, here we go. What do we got there? What the fuck is that? It says the time?

Starting point is 00:58:34 Take that. What the fuck are we doing here? Yoni! This is a goddamn Yoni job. Heidi's supposed to just look good, Yoni. You're not supposed to have her doing math over here. Oh, wow, 1.30, unbelievable. Somebody let him put fucking rocks in his pockets

Starting point is 00:58:56 before coming on. Normally, we empty the people's pockets. That's incredible. Do you work out? Work out at the jungle gym or something like that? I used to do wrestling, and so I used to I used to assistant coach and... What was your weight class when you wrestled? Uh, I started at the lightest ones, Tony.

Starting point is 00:59:17 Well, you'll never believe what you're walking away with here tonight. There you go, buddy. Booyah. Congratulations. You were fun. It was a long interview. It you go, buddy. Booyah. Congratulations. You were fun. It was a long interview. It was a good set. There you go. There he is.

Starting point is 00:59:30 Ladies and gentlemen, Mitchell McArthur, everybody. Mitchell McArthur. Trying to say something as he walks away. I don't know what, it doesn't matter. All right. No, one more bucket matter. All right. No, one more bucket full. All right, we have another one word name, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:59:52 Make some noise for Kane. C-A-I-N Kane. Well done everybody. I used to work at this job. I had a lot of wasps flying around and I swatted it one one time as it's flying in front of me and my co-worker they go hey be careful man you know when you do that the wasp they'll spray you with a pheromone and it lets other other wasp know that you're a hitter.

Starting point is 01:00:22 I was like wow um you know thank god women don't have thatter. I was like, wow, you know, thank God women don't have that feature, am I right? Like, not for me, like for my uncles and stuff, you know, like they'd be real stinky if that was the case. And I just feel like, you know, like pheromones, that's such a crazy concept. And like, if women did have that feature, it just raises the question, like, what does a man

Starting point is 01:00:43 that hits women smell like? Probably like Axe body spray or something, you know? That's what I would assume. And I just think that's, like, a crazy con. I think women should have that, you know? Like, when you buy a car, you can't ask for airbags. That just comes standard, you know? That's a safety feature.

Starting point is 01:01:01 So, like, I just picture that. You're at a bar, right? Like, a woman and a guy's like, hey, can I buy you a drink? And you're like, yeah, sure. Nah, I'm okay. Whoa. All right, thank y'all guys. There you go.

Starting point is 01:01:13 Kane getting laughs throughout his set from the crowd. Welcome Kane, how are you? What's up Tony, how are you? What are you? What's going on over here? Can't tell what the hell's going on over here. Mexican. Okay. Yeah. Welcome Kane, how old are you? What's going on over here? I can't tell what the hell's going on over here. Mexican. Okay.

Starting point is 01:01:27 Yeah. Welcome, Kane. How old are you? Today's my birthday. I'm 27. Happy birthday. Thank you, thank you, thank you. How long you been doing stand-up? One year, nine months. One year and nine months.

Starting point is 01:01:37 That's a great answer. You know it down to the fucking date. Yeah, man. What do you do for work? I build airplane engines. Wow. Airplane engines. engines. Wow, airplane engines. Yeah, aviation maintenance technician. Okay, absolutely.

Starting point is 01:01:50 Incredible. Sam, what do you think about this guy? I think it's cool that he answered one of them commercials. Like, you wanna be an aviation? Yeah. That's fire. Yeah. I always wonder about the niggas that call.

Starting point is 01:02:03 Like, yeah. I do wanna do this shit. So that's dope. Yeah. I always wonder about the niggas that call. Like yeah, I do want to do this shit. So that's dope as fuck. It's one of those commercials where they're like, you sitting at home on your couch. Yeah, that's fire. I'm proud of you. I also thought it was a really good set. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Starting point is 01:02:19 He has a whole fucking joke. Yep. You stayed on topic. And you stayed on topic and that's not easy to do in a minute. And I liked when you heard that you kind of sped it up. You were kind of in a little pocket, but you were like, I gotta get this shit out. And you were gonna get to the shit. So that was cool to me too, man.

Starting point is 01:02:36 Good job, man. Thanks, I appreciate it. I love you. Thank you. Yeah, I watch you a lot. Well, now I'm not. That's it, thank you. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:44 I'm done. Hell yeah. There you go. Greg, what do you think about this Mexican... The Mexicans in general, or like... I mean, the glasses, you look like Elton Juan. Ha ha ha. I appreciate that, yeah. Rrrrrocket! Mitttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttttt They are. I like that. They have the quote on the inside of the leg. That's fucking sweet. Rothstein, right? What is his last name in the movie?

Starting point is 01:03:29 Oh, I can't remember. Absolutely. So these glasses mean nothing to you in actuality. Yeah. You're a fucking fraud. He's like, I don't even know what the, what? What are you talking about? Yeah, I just liked them.

Starting point is 01:03:41 They are great glasses. Thanks, man. I appreciate it. They really are. It's a great puffer you have on. Bill, thank you. I like the one that you're wearing underneath your shirt. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:52 Oh, that's great. You got it. Ah. What's on your chain? What do you got there? Uh, this is a centenario. It's a Mexican coin from 1947. Oh, Michael Gonzalez just got hard as a rock.

Starting point is 01:04:07 I don't know what it means, but what does the Mexican coin mean? So Mexico went crazy back in the day and they just decided to make- Back in the day? So you're telling me. I don't know if you've seen our border, but- You can pass it down. They decided to make solid gold coins, so it's- Wow.

Starting point is 01:04:23 Wow. Greg doesn't give a fuck about it. Jesus, get the shit away from me. Yeah, so it's real... Arrrrrrra-ha-ha! All right, I'm good at that. Wow, this is incredible. 50 pesos, 3.75, oro puro, ocho de este vante, tototo. Yeah, it's a real 24 karat gold.

Starting point is 01:04:41 Estados Unidos Mexicano. Yeah. That's fucking beautiful. Thank you soicano. Yeah. That's fucking beautiful. Thank you so much for this. It's absolutely incredible. Absolutely stunning. Thanks man. And then what's the ring?

Starting point is 01:04:52 Is that the Longhorns? No, it's a Mercedes-Benz logo. Mercedes-Benz, and what do you drive? I drive a BMW. Wow. Look at you, dude. What's going on? I like German cars.

Starting point is 01:05:03 Okay. Yeah. All right. Why do you like German cars. Okay. Yeah. All right. Why do you like German cars? I grew up a Chevy guy. And then when I started working in aviation, I bought a Porsche and I fell in love with it. And so I've been buying BMWs and Mercedes since then.

Starting point is 01:05:17 Unbelievable. Have you thought about a Kia? Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Cause they'll steal the BMW. Ha ha ha. These guests have been like, it's like, all right, if there was an autistic Pokemon and we just saw her getting greater and greater and greater and greater.

Starting point is 01:05:39 Because now we had the like gold chain BMW level. Yeah. What. Yeah. What's next? They never cease to amaze. So many different shapes and sizes and personalities. A Mexican airplane engineer. Yes sir. Absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 01:05:58 And someday a woman will be up here. You ain't shit, Graves. What else should we know about you before I let you go, Kane? Give us a fun fact about your wild and crazy life. Any hobbies, special skills or talents that would surprise us? You a jump rope phenom or something like that? Well, I used to be, I was a boxer for like 10 years on and off. Wow. Yeah. Incredible, really?

Starting point is 01:06:28 Can we, put the mic in the mic stand. Let's see a little shadow boxing here. I haven't done this, I was like 18. Okay. Oh, shit. Wow. Okay. All right, very good, very good.

Starting point is 01:06:41 You're like Rocky Road. Yeah, man. Pretty tasty. I actually, I got fat. That're like Rocky Road. Yeah, man, pretty crazy. I actually, I got fat. That looked like some shit on We Fit. Yeah. I went back to my gym when I was like 19,

Starting point is 01:06:58 and they were like, we don't train anyone over 18, and that's when I got fat, so. Wow. Yeah. But I got fat. So, yeah. But I'm a golden glove champion. Like it's in my records. Why were you going to a pedophiles gym? We want only kids under 18 here. Yeah man, that's Dallas.

Starting point is 01:07:13 Absolutely amazing. That looked less like boxing sparring than somebody that walked into a spider web. I think the shadow, that's the first time the shadows ever won a boxing match. It's incredible. It is incredible. The shadow, by the way, six foot two.

Starting point is 01:07:31 We measured it out. Unlike Mitchell MacArthur, the tiny, tiny little man who's up here. Yeah, five five. Five five, no doubt about it. I almost stepped on him walking up here, yeah. Yeah, that's what it would have sounded like. Like a little tiny rubber ducky. Anything else we should know about you, Kane?

Starting point is 01:07:49 You seem like you... I pretended to go to college for two years. Ooh, who was you... Who were you pretending for? Your parents? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Yo, I just saw a Netflix documentary where this Asian girl pretended to go to college for two years.

Starting point is 01:08:02 My sister sent me that, yeah. She killed her family. Oh, I saw that. I know about that. Did you kill your family? No, not yet. Yeah. Wow. No. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:11 But they might ride on one of the airplanes that he's the engineer for one day, and he's going to get his revenge. I worked for Boeing, for sure. You don't work for Boeing? Fuck no. Great. You're doing a good job out there. Now that we've mentioned Boeing,

Starting point is 01:08:25 we're probably all gonna be assassinated after this. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for funny Kane on social media. Thank y'all. Underscore his name is Kane. As you can tell by the music, the Mexicans are very biased towards their own kind. But the tone of the music is about to change as I present to you one of the greatest regulars

Starting point is 01:08:49 in the history of the show, a fucking phenom. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him, you love him. This is Cam Patterson. ["Camp Patterson"] I was in Utah this weekend and Mormon's like guns. I didn't know that. They really fuck with guns a lot out there. My homeboy had a brother, he got a gun, he had a lot of guns in his truck and he had any gun you could think of.

Starting point is 01:09:22 There was so many guns. And then it was crazy. And at the back of the truck, it was also like a first aid kit. And then when I opened it up, it was just more guns. That was... I was like, oh, you're just an asshole, brother. When I shoot you, then I'm gonna really kill your ass,

Starting point is 01:09:40 dummy. The funny thing was, most of his guns had, like, silencers on them, and that's terrifying, right? Because he's not an assassin, he's an accountant. You feel what I'm saying? Why do regular people have guns with silencers on it? That's, what are we doing? I asked him, I said, hey man,

Starting point is 01:09:57 why do most of your guns have silencers? That's kind of crazy. He was like, well, if you shoot somebody in your house, you don't want to call the police. And I was like, you a murderer. That's if you shoot somebody in your house, you don't wanna call the police. And I was like, you a murderer. That's, ha ha ha. You're some bad guy.

Starting point is 01:10:09 All right, that's it. Ha ha ha, take it. Did it again. Add it to the mix. That's another minute from the great Cam Patterson putting out so much content, living the dream, selling out absolutely everywhere, having the ad shows, theaters, everything,

Starting point is 01:10:27 huge offers, a true fucking Kill Tony freak specimen. You changed my life, nigga. That the system is working. And another new minute here tonight. You sound like the coach from Dallas Cowboys. I... You'd be... Fucking relax. That is how we approach this.

Starting point is 01:10:47 What the hell were we talking about last Monday after the show where we were cracking up? Oh fuck. What was that? Disintegrate. Oh my God, it was disintegrate. I don't even think we can talk about that. Now that I think about it, no we can't really.

Starting point is 01:11:02 We can't say it, we can't say it, but it's pretty funny. It's the funniest. Y'all will never know how funny it was. Because we can't talk about it because it's pretty fucked up. But it's pretty funny. Huh? Fuck you.

Starting point is 01:11:15 Oh my God. Michael Gonzalez. Little chimichurri on that roast. Just so we know, none of the band approved that joke. Yeah. What the hell did you just say? I can't spell it. Okay, let's do it.

Starting point is 01:11:38 Nope. Not at all, brother. Not at all, brother. We were talking about how we're breaking down the walls of things and this and that. We're having one of those just live in the dream talks and he said, we're not just doing this, we're disintegrating them. And I said, and you can't, you can't spell disintegrate without, and we laughed for a bit and we got, we got sidetracked and a minute or two goes by

Starting point is 01:12:16 and he says, oh, great. And I go, No, Nick. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, shit. You're wondering what me and Cam laugh about at 2 a.m. if you ever see us flying across the bar. That shit was funny as fuck, though.

Starting point is 01:12:38 We really make each other laugh very hard. We might have to edit that out of the podcast. Yeah, I don't know why you did that. I told them we were gonna tell them you told them. I know, I couldn't help myself. Red Band said I should say it. I don't know why I listened to them. I fucking, why would you do that to yourself?

Starting point is 01:12:52 I don't know. These, no one's gonna believe them. Phones are locked up. Yeah, it's over. Perfect. You heard nothing. We're gonna keep it in the episode. Why are you excited?

Starting point is 01:13:03 You're here. Anyway. Cam, what else is going on? You were really in Utah, huh? I was in Utah. That place is wild. Utah is a very interesting place. It was, it's pretty strange. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:15 My dad, my dad, you know, he come everywhere with me on the road and shit. And there was a porn star in the front row. And I didn't do a meet and greet after the first show because I just wanted to fit in too great. And but we found out she was a porn star like during the show and he brought her in the green room playing her porn. He was like, look, this her. And she getting fucked in the ass, look at her.

Starting point is 01:13:40 And then she was like, that's me, yeah, that's me. And the funny shit, like she the only friend tomorrow, so she was doing it like with her husband and shit. And so then my dad go, that's him, little dick nigga, that's him, the little dick nigga. It was my favorite part of it, Utah was fun. It was fun. I didn't fuck that later, but I thought about it a lot.

Starting point is 01:14:00 I thought about it. Cause he kept saying like, you can fuck my wife if you want to. And I just kept thinking, he gonna be there. That's the scariest part. That's the scary part, yep. Cross-eyed, watching. Cam Patterson's fucking my wife.

Starting point is 01:14:13 Yep. He's gonna get his rocks off. Greg Fitzsimmons. I mean, that's what I was gonna ask you is like, you know, your father's your manager. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 01:14:28 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, I have no idea why you're lying in his defense right now. He don't take no man in, but when I first started doing stand up, we had made a deal, right?

Starting point is 01:14:50 So I was broke, obviously. And so we had made like merch. He was like, hey, for the rest of your career, right? You just big, he's like, for the rest of, what the fuck is going on? Hey, don't play this nigga, you fucking up. Fucking up my tempo right now, red band, God damn it. I got scared as shit. Oh, we in the courtroom, nigga, what the fuck?

Starting point is 01:14:58 I hate courtrooms, nigga. So, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so I got scared as shit. Oh, we in the courtroom, nigga, what the fuck? I hate courtrooms, nigga. So, stop, nigga. That's scary. So when we started, when we started, he told me,

Starting point is 01:15:18 he was like, you gotta understand something. I'm gonna make your merch, I'm gonna make your merch right. Oh, ignore me, Cam, Go ahead, tell the story. I got 818, nigga. So I'ma make your merch, but I need, we're gonna split it 50-50 for the rest of your career. That's what we're gonna do. And I was like, yeah, no problem.

Starting point is 01:15:34 And I was broke on the couch, I was like, no, we can do that. And now, like, we're making a little bit of money. And now he like, so, what's the... They don't know how to play the court. The horn players are immune to the court music, I guess. Okay. So he took care of you. And then there's a little...

Starting point is 01:15:56 So you guys give each other reparations. It's incredible how things are changing. This is absolutely amazing. I love the looks that I'm getting from Sam Jay tonight. Yeah. I got back up now, nigga. Now... We're having fun here. Sam.

Starting point is 01:16:15 Yeah. Fuck. Fuck. It's so... This is so fun. I can tell you something else. Yeah. I bet my homeboy $5,000 in drunk basketball. You played him for $5,000? Yeah. What? In Utah?

Starting point is 01:16:37 Yeah, Utah. Oh my God. Then what happened? Well, I beat him, obviously. But I beat him, but I didn't drink at all. Genius. He drank all the... He don't even know this yet. Nobody, he don't know this yet at all.

Starting point is 01:16:53 So the game plan was, I was like, I bet I can beat you in basketball. He was like, no you can't. He's a little bit taller than me, so I probably couldn't. So I was like, you know, we should play drunk basketball. How tall is he? Five, five and a half? He's like six, two. He's like six, two.

Starting point is 01:17:04 So I was like, we're going to play like, we're going to play drum, basketball. So the whole night, I'm feeding him like real shots and they just give me water shots. And then at one point- That's how date rapes start. Well I didn't fuck him in the ass, Jay. I just beat him in basketball. So it kept giving him like, So it kept giving him liquor. And at one point I felt bad, because he'd been drinking margarita shit the whole show,

Starting point is 01:17:30 and I'd been drinking that all. And I was like, let's just do five shots instead of eight. And then he was like, no, but you pussy, let's do eight. I was like, you know what? Yes, let's do eight. And then we took eight shots, and then I just beat the fuck out of him in basketball. He will never know until this episode comes out. Did he pay you?

Starting point is 01:17:49 Huh? Did he pay you? Yeah. Wait, he paid you? Yeah. He already paid you? What? I mean, you pay me in increments.

Starting point is 01:17:59 He should only pay you if you can spell that. I can spell increments. You gotta start spelling, boy. I can spell increments. Now I'm upset. What? Can you spell increments? I didn't claim to.

Starting point is 01:18:14 I can spell increments. I'm not there saying increments. I just know, I know big words and shit. I know big words. I can spell increments. Now we gotta fight for our race. What shit? Somebody gotta spell something.

Starting point is 01:18:22 I'll get... I just know big words and shit. I know big words. I can spell increments. You got us. What? Now we got to fight for our race now. What? What? Shit. Somebody got to spell something. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Starting point is 01:18:30 I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Starting point is 01:18:42 I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get now. Yeah, we are. Oh, yes, we are, Sam. Welcome to Texas, Sam J. This is Black Spelling Bee! $500 on the line.

Starting point is 01:18:58 The word is increments. You can ask any question you'd like. It's origin, it's... This is crazy, bro. You could ask me to use it in a sentence. I'ma go home, bro. Nope, there's no home. In fact, we canceled your flights for tomorrow.

Starting point is 01:19:18 Can I? Increments. Can I phone a friend? Nope, there's no phoning a friend, and we just got word none of your friends know how to spell it either. Would you like a definition perhaps? I know what it means.

Starting point is 01:19:34 Yeah. An increase or addition, especially one of a series on a fixed scale. The inmates pay, can escalate in five cent increments to a maximum of 90 cents an hour. I'm not kidding. That is the example they give in the Oxford language dictionary.

Starting point is 01:19:57 You cannot make it up. You can't. I don't know why it would be the inmates. I'm gonna take a shot at it. Okay, can we, like... Like, if I'm starting wrong, can you at least let me know I'm starting wrong? Wait, is this... Are you guys both spelling it? Yes, yes.

Starting point is 01:20:12 No, I'm gonna go by my... We're going together? Yeah. It's a tag team? We got it. Wait, you guys... I believe in us. It's automatically down to 250. I'm so upset.

Starting point is 01:20:27 Alright. I only have 500 in the budget for this. Wait, wait, wait, Ladies and gentlemen, to definitely not spell it correctly, I present to you, this is Black Spelling Bee, Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. I N C R E N. Wait, what was that? What did you just say? No, no, no!

Starting point is 01:21:30 M, M, M, M, M, M, M! E N T S! E N T S! E N T S! No. I'm a genius! Just to let you know, the part where you said N and the whole room goes, no, was the part where you lost. And that was another segment of Black Spelling Bee, ladies and gentlemen. Who wins?

Starting point is 01:22:15 All of us. Damn. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Fuck! It was good though, that was good. I was genius. It was an M, and then the room corrected you, but don't worry, there's a lot of people at home saying N right now as well.

Starting point is 01:22:35 I got farther than all y'all thought I was gonna get, and that's all I care about. I'll tell you this, I honestly thought, I didn't see you accidentally saying N instead of M on my prediction sheet, but I thought you were gonna spell it mints, as in like, mints. Oh, shit. M-I-N-T-S for sure. I was like so positive.

Starting point is 01:22:58 But there you are, full of surprises. Inchronence. Always fucking entertaining as hell. One more time for the great Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness. Black Spelling Bee is its own Kill Tony spin-off show. Again, we reserve the right here.

Starting point is 01:23:23 That is my property. I don't know why I sounded like Trump just then. It's my property. You've been doing that a lot today. Hey y'all, this podcast is sponsored by Squarespace, the all-in-one website platform for entrepreneurs to stand out and succeed online. Whether you're just starting out

Starting point is 01:23:44 or managing a growing brand, Squarespace makes it easy to create a beautiful website, engage with your audience, and sell anything from products to content to time, all in one place, all on your terms. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr website with a new guided design system Squarespace Blueprint. Choose from professionally curated layout and styling options to build a unique online presence from the ground up. Tailor to your brand or business and optimize for every device. Easily launch your website and get discovered fast with integrated optimized SEO tools so you show up more often to more people and grow the way

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Starting point is 01:25:20 Get her another drink. Oh, yeah, what do you want old-fashioned? Manhattan I'm not drinking the whole drink. Oh yeah, what do you want? Old-fashioned? Manhattan? I'm not drinking the old-fashioned. What is that? It's a Hennessy with ginger beer and an orange slice. Hennessy with ginger beer and an orange slice. Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, it appears as though

Starting point is 01:25:35 Black Spelling Bee is gonna have round two here. Uh. No more. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull, we're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Jake Hayes, everyone. Jake Hayes. How's everybody doing? I've been going to therapy recently. My therapist told me any time I'm upset, I need to use I statements.

Starting point is 01:26:06 I don't think that was the best advice because now anytime in an argument, I'm just like... I've been losing arguments. You gotta stick to you statements, people. Like, you stupid bitch! They say abs are made in the kitchen. I don't really think that's true. None of the women I know have six packs.

Starting point is 01:26:27 Abundant in the oven, maybe. Yeah, man, women are fertile these days. They really are, which is why I've been thinking about getting a vasectomy. Just want to be dishwasher safe. Growing up, my dad got me into comic books. Turns out Spider-Man's my favorite superhero. Uh, because he reminds me a lot of my dad. Not only is my dad my hero, because he reminds me a lot of my dad.

Starting point is 01:26:45 Not only is my dad my hero, but he also hung himself from the ceiling. All right. Coincidentally enough, he was black, which I wasn't upset about the whole situation. I was more so appreciative of the fact that I'm one of the few black guys whose dad actually hung around.

Starting point is 01:27:03 Thank you. That's my time. Jake Hayes. one of the few black guys whose dad actually hung around. Thank you, that's my time. Jake Hayes with his Keltoni debut. Is that correct, Jake? Your first time here? Yes, yes sir. Okay, how long have you been on standup? Like a year. Where at?

Starting point is 01:27:19 Houston, with McKenzie. He was just on, right? Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah, for sure. Secret group. Yeah, definitely. There you go. Represent. Secret group.

Starting point is 01:27:28 Trying. OK, so about a year at the secret group, you have a black dad? I do, yeah. Is he alive? Somewhere. I honestly don't know. You really don't know?

Starting point is 01:27:38 I just think, you know, I fantasize about wherever happened to him. You know, I don't know. I don't know if he is or not. Yeah. But he is black. -♪ Whistling and laughter from audience. Okay.

Starting point is 01:27:50 Check's out. Check's out. Yeah. Oh, Sam's on to who does the sound effects around here. -♪ Laughter from audience. Okay. Now, you have a black beard and a different color hair. This is the second time someone like this has been on the show. Are you aware that your hair does not match

Starting point is 01:28:06 the color of your beard? I am now. You didn't notice that ever? Kind of have reddish hair? Sure. Sure? Yeah, I guess. Yeah, yeah. No, today I'm in the moment noticing it now, yeah.

Starting point is 01:28:20 How old are you? 38. 38? And you're literally being informed right now. Right now, yeah. How old are you? 38. 38? And you're literally being informed right now, live on a show, that your hair and your beard are two different colors? I mean, you know.

Starting point is 01:28:35 I'm gonna have your beard spell the word increments real quick. We're gonna find out if it's actually black or... Sam Jay, let's check in with Sam here. What's your name, sir? Blind, sir? D-Mad. D-Mad.

Starting point is 01:28:54 D-Mad is, he said 38, D-Mad has said goddamn, and that's what's making me laugh a lot. Yeah. laugh a lot. Yeah. D also partakes in the Hennessy during the shows. That's flame. Man, that was good. You came out, you yelled at bitches, right?

Starting point is 01:29:17 That was the start? What was the start? Therapy. You was like, fuck therapy? No, no, no. I've been going to therapy and my therapist is, yep, yep. A bitch or something? Somebody was a bitch immediately.

Starting point is 01:29:29 Let's not skim around that. You walked out and it was like, something, something, bitch. And I was like, oh. Yeah, no, I was saying, my therapist was teaching me I statements, right? And then they're not working. So then I said, you gotta stick to you statements. You stupid bitch.

Starting point is 01:29:43 Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the part I didn't like. Yeah. Yeah. Yep. It wasn't directed toward you. I didn't like that.

Starting point is 01:29:55 Jake. Yes, sir. What do you do for a living? I'm a nurse. Oh, okay. What kind of nurse are you? Used to work in like trauma ICU, now I work in like prisons and jails.

Starting point is 01:30:06 Okay. What made you want to start working in prisons and jails? Are you looking for your father? Uh... Oh... You know... The looks Sam J. are giving me. If I could get a compilation of all the looks I get from Sam after this, that'd be great.

Starting point is 01:30:25 Um, honestly, I just saw the opportunity. I was in the military for a while, and it kind of seemed like similar. Yeah, they're very similar. Okay, what'd you do in the military? Um, I was a special operations medic for the Navy. Wow, amazing. Look at that. An American hero. I love it.

Starting point is 01:30:44 No, no. You saw some crazy stuff over there? I mean, you know, just regular stuff, I guess. Okay, you just went into a PTSD moment right there. That was pretty wild to see. Jake, what do you do for fun? Um, for fun, skydive, scuba dive, like shooting guns, skateboarding.

Starting point is 01:31:10 I started comedy a year ago, so that's kind of fun. What made you want to start comedy? Um, I think like, you know, it's just like, after I got out of the military, I just wanted something to continue to do, like work towards and continue to grow. There's no real cap on it. So I wanted something to continue to do, like work towards and continue to grow. There's no real cap on it. So I just wanted to continue to work towards something

Starting point is 01:31:28 with no, like, real ending, just to get better at something and work on. I've always liked comedy, so it seemed like it would be a good idea. Right. I like all the hobbies. You've made up for every fucking loser that's been on tonight...

Starting point is 01:31:41 Yeah. ...that literally does nothing with their life at all, and you're doing all of it. You'd be shocked how few hobbies we have up here. Oh, okay. Yeah. Hell yeah, you keep yourself distracted. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:59 Yeah. Shrooms, too. Yeah. Okay. Let me see your abs. You look fucking ripped. Oh, no, no, I'm not in shape. Now, let me see. Pull up your shirt. Uh-oh. Whoa, he's black. Oh, no.

Starting point is 01:32:11 38. Not bad. Yeah, I don't... There's no six-pack or anything. I'm just... Yeah. All right, there you go. I'd fuck myself, but that's about it. Wow. One extremely horny lady in the middle of the room.

Starting point is 01:32:24 Literally willing to fuck a centaur up here. That's about it. One extremely horny lady in the middle of the room. Literally willing to fuck a centaur up here. Is that what I come off as? You know what a centaur is? Yeah, yeah, yeah, is that what I come off as? Yeah, you're very centauresque. You literally could have the body of a horse behind you. It's a very special type of human.

Starting point is 01:32:47 Knees! There you go. There's the sound of a centaur, centaur music. All right. That's galloping. Come on, hit it. That's you. That's you. All right. That's cool.

Starting point is 01:33:01 Yep. Jake, what's your love life like? None. Aww. What do you mean, aw? What do you mean? Aw. What do you mean?

Starting point is 01:33:12 I mean, I don't know. Are you on dating apps and things like that? Nah. You meet women in public? How does it go? It doesn't. Have you ever talked to a woman? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:33:23 How does that normally? Bro, look how he just moved his arm up. Oh, yeah. Stop. He closed off his body language. Stop. Yeah, stop. Don't do no more, bro.

Starting point is 01:33:31 No, I got to... We all want to live tonight. No, I got to go a little bit further. Leave that man alone. I got to go. I just had that same feeling. Something fucking switched. Yo, he went up like, hey, stop it, bro.

Starting point is 01:33:39 Something switched. He opened up his arms behind his back now. Centaur movements. But now they like fight, it's like fight. It's like fight stance. He just literally went... He's trying to not be a centaur, and he keeps just fucking up.

Starting point is 01:33:54 I don't know what I'm doing to be a centaur. Dude, you're a centaur, dude. You are a centaur. Every time you try to hide your centaurism, it comes out even stronger. If you were to go to the ocean, you would emerge from one of those waves, like one of those horrible paintings. Yep. Yep. What do you think is the least centaur thing about you I'm not half a horse, but you were like, I don't like the food. I mean, honestly, at this point, everybody thinks I'm a centaur.

Starting point is 01:34:58 I don't know how to get out of it. I don't know if everybody, do you guys think he's centaur-y? Well, yeah, yeah, no, it is everybody. It's 100% of the vote inside the room for those of you listening to the podcast. This guy's very excited about it. He just described bullying. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Stop it, I got bullied on Kill Tony. What was it? Was it your race? What was it? No, he said it was a half a horse. They insisted. The room went crazy.

Starting point is 01:35:30 I mean, I get the half a horse from the waist down thing, but, like, I don't think... You don't think your top half is Centauresque? Nah. He's coming around the outside. No, no. Ha ha ha ha. I galloped right into that one.

Starting point is 01:35:47 Dude, dude, I love it. I fucking love it. Absolutely amazing. And you've never been in a stable relationship. Nay. Here's the here's the Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha No way, very interesting. Oh wow, oh my goodness. All right, another bucket bowl we're flying through. You guys still having fun out there? Make some noise for your next comedian, Joe Feili everybody.

Starting point is 01:36:37 Here's Joe Feili, make some noise for Joe everyone. These people wait all day, some of them travel from around the world. They fly here for this. -♪ Killed Tony, how we doing? I like that reaction. That's good. You know, I've been talking to a lot of my friends

Starting point is 01:36:55 about having to talk with my dad, and my talk went way different than all their talks, because, like, I sat down, and he's like, son, we both know what you look like. A lot of girls are gonna say no. And that's okay. You just gotta get them drunk enough you can hold them down with one arm

Starting point is 01:37:13 and cover their mouth with the other. No, that ain't true. I would never rape a girl. I only half-raped a girl. Like, I had a conjoined twin, and this bitch had two heads. Well, no, these bitches had one body, I guess you would say.

Starting point is 01:37:30 It was definitely the best of both worlds. Like, one head was yelling, yes, and the other one was saying, no, and I was like, what more could I ask for? The only thing I could ask for more in that situation would be a nugget. There are people laughing, you got fucked up Reddit. A nugget's a chick with no arms or legs.

Starting point is 01:37:48 Like just picture, I could come in her three times and just throw her in the closet like a sock until mom finds her. All right, that's my time, thank you all. All right, ladies and gentlemen, it's the first time we've had a double felony admitted to during a 60 second set. You gotta do it, if you're from Youngstown, you're gonna fall on these in a minute. That's incredible. Okay, yes. I mean, yeah, I guess it's okay to, if you can joke about rape, as long as you don't look like a rapist.

Starting point is 01:38:05 You know, the problem with looking like a rapist is never the chick I want to rape that's saying I look like the rapist. It's always like a Chevy Cavalier when I want like a Camaro. Everything is getting scarier the more you talk. You are. Listen, Halloween's almost here. I'll come back. Okay.

Starting point is 01:38:13 I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom.

Starting point is 01:38:21 I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go a Chevy Cavalier when I want like a Camaro. Everything is getting scarier the more you talk. You are. Listen, Halloween's almost here, I'll come back. Okay, all right. Just slow down, Joe.

Starting point is 01:38:33 Slow down big time. Breathe a little bit, buddy, breathe. I'm breathing, I'm calm. I'm sober this time for you. Oh, okay. All right. You've been on this show before. What were you on last time you were on this show

Starting point is 01:38:43 that you say you're sober? It was the double, oh, I was on Cocaine last time. And we. Oh, wow. All right, geez. You just have no filter whatsoever, do you? No, no, we're just living life, bro. It's 6th Street.

Starting point is 01:38:53 Okay, sure. 6th Street represent. Absolutely, Joe, talk less. Yeah, yeah, I got you. You sure you're not on Cocaine tonight? Just happened, nine months, I'm back on bro, it's a good time. Okay, it's been nine months since you were on the show.

Starting point is 01:39:08 Yeah. And now you're back. Yeah. How long have you been doing standup comedy, Joe? It's been. It's been about two and a half years. Two and a half years, very good. What do you do for work?

Starting point is 01:39:20 Work at Amazon. You work at Amazon, not anymore by the way. Oh no, listen, I got demoted because the last time I was on here, honestly. Wait, are you serious? What do you do for work? Work at Amazon. You work at Amazon? Not anymore, by the way. Oh, no, listen. Listen, I got demoted because the last time I was on here, honestly. Wait, are you serious? Yeah, I said I work with retards,

Starting point is 01:39:31 and my boss was retarded, and I mentioned cocaine, and I went back, and I was no longer a manager. Yeah. It was worth it. It was worth it. So, Joe, let me ask you,

Starting point is 01:39:39 what do you think is going to happen this time? Five minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes. Five minutes. It was worth it. It was worth it. So, Joe, let me ask you, what do you think's gonna happen this time? Fuck it.

Starting point is 01:39:50 Fuck it? Yeah. Really? Yeah. I've been running a couple of shows and doing some side hustles, running out paddle boards and shit, so it's like... Yeah, Austin's an active place.

Starting point is 01:40:00 You gotta make the money where you can, so you don't have to do a nine to five and do comedy. That's what we're shooting for. And one of those fucking packages get here overnight. The managers are all fucked up. Pfft. When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. Listen, someone gotta get it there, all right?

Starting point is 01:40:21 Gel blasters don't deliver themselves, all right? All right. Wait, are we still sponsored? All right, are we still sponsored by Joe Blasters? Are we still sponsored by... Listen, this is our second date. Next time, I get first base at least, right? All right, Joe. My God, this is incredible.

Starting point is 01:40:40 You are by far one of the scariest human beings that's ever been on this show. That's better than last time. What happened last time? You said I look like a caveman who does science and rapes people? So at least this time I'm just a rapist. We're eliminating some of their subtitles.

Starting point is 01:40:55 It's all right. D-Madness, those are my captions on the bottom of the screen when we watch the video. I'm glad I came up with another one. Good God, Daniel. Even he didn't see that punch line coming. Oh, shit. Joe, you are wild, dude.

Starting point is 01:41:15 Are you on a little bit of Adderall, perhaps, right now? No, honestly, no. What are you on right now? I smoked a joint and I did two shots at Port Choyson. What were the shots? Tequila? Tequila. Yeah, I did two shots at poor choices. What were the shots? Tequila? Yeah, I could tell. That's an upper. And the weed was a sativa?

Starting point is 01:41:30 Sixth Street. That's where you are. Yes. Wow. I'm in just an inconceivable fucking situation wherein you are uninterviewable. That's better than some of the people I heard on here, so I'll take it. All right. I do some hobbies.

Starting point is 01:41:51 I heard the last guy had hobbies. You know what I mean? I go fishing. I'm not just throwing people. We don't want to know. She said, oh, hell nah. That was for you. Okay.

Starting point is 01:42:02 Joe, I'm just going to get you out of here. There goes Joe. You got a little joke book last time? I got a big joke book last time. You did? Yeah. Well, you fill it up with jokes, Joe. Thank you, boss man.

Starting point is 01:42:12 There he goes. Joe Feithley, everybody. There you go, everybody. You can recognize him from future trials of some kind. You saw him here first. We're gonna do something fun right now. This guy, not a regular, not a golden ticket winner. He's different.

Starting point is 01:42:36 He's a special little fuckin' Austin freak. Ladies and gentlemen, the long-awaited return of Uncle Lazer. ["Uncle Lazer Theme Song"] -♪ Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey Statistically, we've all to some degree been sexually assaulted with a stranger during Netflix and chill. You're one of the few. Yeah, I mean, sometimes the guy from Christian Mingo that you met ain't so chill, you know, and starts off as a butt massage

Starting point is 01:43:37 and ends, you know, with a guy you swipe right on fucking cherry picking them little toilet balls out of the rim of your butthole. All right. I'm gonna go ahead and do that. I'm gonna go ahead and do that. I'm gonna go ahead and do that. Oh, yeah, I had COVID. I lost my sense of taste.

Starting point is 01:43:52 It's now you can still get strep throat, you fucking idiot. But I smoked crack with a woman the other day during Netflix and Chill. I said... No. Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think Netflix and Chill." I said, -"Wooo!" -"Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think Netflix and Chill is a crack activity, darling.

Starting point is 01:44:12 I'm trying to watch the House of Dragons, not chase a fucking dragon. My name's Uncle Lazer. You're having great." -"Okay. House of Dragons is not on Netflix, but we'll accept it anyway. Welcome back, Uncle Luke. Wow, dude, that's where you're gonna start off.

Starting point is 01:44:29 Look right there. Wow, dude. I mean, I'm a fan of both Netflix and House of Dragons, so I just want to get that out there. Big fan of Netflix. I just love them. Statistically, we both are, you know? Right.

Starting point is 01:44:49 Why do you keep doing that licky thing with your face? You're extra lizardy tonight. What's happening? Oh, there's the sound of lasers. Not feeling well. What's going on with you? I gotta apologize, man. Okay.

Starting point is 01:45:07 To Red Band. Oh, shit. What happened? Oh. Well, we went out to the Master Square Garden and I threw up everywhere in Red Band's bathroom and I blamed it on some girl that was in the green room and... I'm gonna be honest with you, they're like, I was like, if I tell them it was me, they're gonna think I'm on drugs again, you know?

Starting point is 01:45:31 And so... Which you are. You have been the entire time. I've known this the entire time. No, but I went in there because I was actually poisoned by Aaron Rodgers. And because he was back there and I saw them drinking that Bud Light and I'm like, hey, I got to drink that gay beer because NFO watching y'all or you want to come back

Starting point is 01:45:54 and go in Gin Pop and get tequila with me, you know? And I tried to be Billy Badass because he was dipping those little Lucy's and they're 12 milligrams. Usually I dip Zen in only three milligrams. Well, I put three of them in the top of my lip. Right. Tried to hang out with Aaron Rodgers. I'm trying to be cool. They're telling war stories about, you know,

Starting point is 01:46:14 fucking avoiding a sack from Miles Garrett. I'm fucking women that look like defensive line men, you know what I'm saying? Yeah. And, you know, I was trying to be one of the boys, you know, and I fucking had to vert off and threw up everywhere in his bathroom. And Red Band got off stage at that moment.

Starting point is 01:46:29 Time started banging on the doors. I'm gonna tell Tony you're back here, and I go, and I just took off running. So I'm sorry. It was me. And I got a gift for him. And I will tell you this. Let the record show that I never forget anything. And, oh, two packs of Parliaments. Amazing. You invested $12 into this segment of this show. Amazing. show that I never forget anything and oh two packs of parliaments amazing you

Starting point is 01:46:45 invested twelve dollars in this segment of this show amazing but I will tell you this that there was indeed a moment of the second night of Madison Square Garden there we are I mean I am just in the zone going down the plans that I had just executing moment after moment of what many people that were there in attendance said the biggest two-night event in comedy they've ever seen before. And halfway through the second night, indeed,

Starting point is 01:47:17 I look over at Red Band and he does this thing where he huffs and puffs a lot sometimes, just gah. And I go, what the fuck? I go off mic, but I'm gonna do it with a mic this time. But normally I go like this, but I was like, so I go, what the fuck is wrong with you right now? And he literally goes, fucking Uncle Lazer threw up all over my fucking bathroom.

Starting point is 01:47:36 And I'm like, Red Band, we are alive at Madison Square Garden right now. Let's fucking talk about it later. These are the conversa, if you ever wonder what conversations we're having off mic, they're all retarded. 100%. It's never anything where like, oh thank you,

Starting point is 01:47:53 I needed that information read. That helps the flow of the show. What's interesting is that he didn't just puke in the toilet like a 12 year old, he puked all around the toilet. So I had to like piss like an arch just to go to pee. I understand. I understand what happened there

Starting point is 01:48:09 because Laser thinks he's a man. So what happened was, he's like, I ain't gonna throw up, I just ain't feeling so good. Right, you're trying to lie to yourself. So you didn't puke in the toilet because you didn't think you were good. You were trying to fight the puke. Explain to us how you puke all over a bathroom

Starting point is 01:48:26 as a grown man. Even the last rapist retard guy would make it in the toilet. Deep madness could totally get it all into the toilet. No, it's you fighting with your, I'm a man, I ain't gonna throw up, I could do what Aaron Rodgers does even though I'm the same height as Mitchell McArthur. I swear to God, I'm 5'7 1⁄2 and 3⁄4.

Starting point is 01:48:51 All right, get out the measuring tape, Tony. Measure it from the top of my mullet. Like I said, I was poisoned. And you were not poisoned by Aaron Rodgers. You were not poisoned by Aaron Rodgers. I was poisoned by Aaron Rod a rock. No you wish You can I just bring up one thing laser said early in his set. He said the word Statistically and in all fairness to the black comics we've had on tonight

Starting point is 01:49:18 Dumb it. I would like to wager five dollars. Yes that laser cannot spell Statistically, would you like us to use it in a sentence? Ladies and gentlemen, this is a very special segment we call White Trash Spelling Bee. Unbelievable. It is indeed statistically, it is an adverb. According to... According to or by means of statistics. All observation data were statistically analyzed. Ladies and gentlemen, from the Oxford Language Dictionary,

Starting point is 01:49:59 this is Uncle Laser with the word statistically. Origin is Greek or Roman? This is Uncle Laser with the word statistically. Origin is Greek or Roman? Uh... Hey, they're the same place. Don't worry about it, Tony. Listen statistically. S-T-A-T-I-S-C-A-L-L. That is incorrect, ladies and gentlemen. That is white trash spelling bee.

Starting point is 01:50:24 The two L's are silent. Fuck! No, it was a very obvious T that you missed there. Was it a T? I don't dot him or cross him, you know. Statistic. Yeah, yeah, you really miss a very, again, a very odd letter to miss.

Starting point is 01:50:43 A lot of comedians are just dumb as shit, huh? It's just unbelievable. Top to bottom, left to right. There you go. You know your directions, very good. Amazing stuff. Uncle Lazer, what else is going on in life? Yeah, you know.

Starting point is 01:51:02 Trying not to die face down in a Motel 6 in Nebraska, you know, with Tom Baudet. You have been on the road a lot. You have been doing that. You lie continuously to me in order to get back on the show. Continuously. Continuously, says Tony. Tony, I haven't been doing any drugs or anything. I mean, I just...

Starting point is 01:51:20 No, I actually haven't been doing cocaine. The fentanyl shit's been scaring the fuck out of me. I haven't done cocaine in like six months. Dead ass. Not kidding. What about ketamine? I don't, I never really, that, what, you, what? I mean, no, like, honestly, like, ketamine's,

Starting point is 01:51:36 you ever want to just be in Lego land? Take ketamine. I mean, it's stupid. It's fucking, the hay is for horses and so is ketamine. You know what I'm saying? So, I never really got into it. How about any meth-like drugs? Define that.

Starting point is 01:51:50 Pfft. Like Chickenspeed? Any, anything at all? Adderall? Not Adderall, but they give that to kids. Yeah, how much do you take? The kids' dosage? You know, basketball things worth. You? The kids' dosage?

Starting point is 01:52:08 You know, basketball things weren't, you know. Kids don't snort it. No, well there's no point, it just tastes like Skittle when you snort it. You're teaching a lot of people different things right now that they don't know. This is still a part of white trash spelling bee. It's the part where we don't spell anything. It's the more white trash part of the bee.

Starting point is 01:52:28 And what other drugs have you been doing, Uncle Lazer? Let's talk about it. Stem cells. Oh, wow. You've heard, yeah. Amazing. How about anything else in life? What else is going on?

Starting point is 01:52:40 Anything else? I'm trying to put my mom in retirement home. Okay, how's that going? Terrible. Yeah? Talk about it. She on Adderall too? Yeah, that's why I'm trying to put her in the home, dude. She keeps stealing all my fucking bill back.

Starting point is 01:52:57 All right. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. There he is, Uncle Laser. Thank you. He's on tour. he's on the road. Who did? Okay, has a girl signed up inside? Did a girl sign up?

Starting point is 01:53:24 You have a minute ready? Alright, come on up here, lady. Get your ass up here. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? I promise you, there's a couple more fun segments left, and then we'll get out of here, but... little conundrum. A little conundrum. Ladies and gentlemen, here she is everybody. From the inside.

Starting point is 01:53:52 Hello. Start with your name. What was that question? It wasn't. Start with your name. I'm Alicia. Hello. Make some noise for Alicia everybody.

Starting point is 01:54:04 And the clock starts now. 60 seconds uninter. I'm Alicia. Hello. Make some noise for Alicia, everybody. And the clock starts now. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Alicia. So anyone been to an HEB recently? Can I get some hands? Anyone dance their way into a hate crime at an HEB? Oh, just me. Great. Awesome.

Starting point is 01:54:21 That's fantastic. So this is a funny story, and it's not super funny because I'm an awkward-ass human being. So, I'm at an HUB, they play bangers. Can I get a hello? They do, but they play bangers when they play the music on top.

Starting point is 01:54:42 So I'm in, so I'm in the street playing, dancing, whatever. And I'm like, oh my God, there's an HUB person in front of me and we're dancing. And we're feeling the music, except she wasn't dancing, they had palsy. And so I'm mimicking this person who has palsy in front of me, and they see me and just, exactly,

Starting point is 01:55:11 just dead inside, except for, I was like, oh great, I get to leave now, and no one's gonna know who I am, except for I'm a basic white bitch, and I have my name on it. There you go. Very good. Alicia. Amazing.

Starting point is 01:55:27 So what ended up happening? I had my name monogrammed across my shirt and a personalized license plate, and so everyone knew who I was as I left, and I could never go back to that H-E-B. You were banned from an H-E-B? Yes, I was. Wow.

Starting point is 01:55:44 And by the looks of things, you fucking love HEB. I do, yes. Yeah. Thank you. What do you do for work? I'm in sales. Did that affect your job at all? Did you go viral?

Starting point is 01:55:54 No, because I sell across Canada and the world, so no one knew about my life, except for my husband. You live in Canada. No, I live here, except for the fact that my husband's still married to me is amazing. Okay, here's a little joke, but... Wow. There you go. You catch like a Canadian.

Starting point is 01:56:17 Might not be one. I wish I was Canadian so I could just leave here. We wish you were Canadian too so that we would never see you again. There she goes. Alicia, everybody. And we're keeping it moving along. The bucket full that I was waiting just leave here. We wish you were Canadian too, so that we would never see you again. There she goes, Alicia, everybody. And we're keeping it moving along. The bucket full that I was waiting for is here. Put the mic back in the mic stand, Alicia. Nope, where you got it?

Starting point is 01:56:36 There you go. Good stuff, yep. There she goes, Alicia. Isn't Heidi just extra hot after Alicia was just up here? It's like a... You're like, God, she's hotter than ever. It's amazing. Okay, your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. Angel Maguez, everybody.

Starting point is 01:57:04 Angel Maguez. we finally got it. Angel Miguez, here's Angel. Hello, what's up Boston? You guys have been amazing to me. I've been here a week, and I've had a lot of time to look up a lot of conspiracy theories because I'm an open-micer. I've been looking up at what happened

Starting point is 01:57:26 to the weather in Texas. Why is it so hot, right? And it turns out that the dues are owed some money. I don't really understand why, or what it is that the debt is due to, but we need to make sure that we pay that, and I got five dollars that I could contribute. But until then, we gotta make some kind of list

Starting point is 01:57:45 and see what we got going on, you know, cause I like to skateboard. My wheels are melting. It feels like I'm riding a skateboard with flat tires. But yeah, I'm trying to make sure that we make some kind of list. We get the dude, we get some night temperatures for the day, right?

Starting point is 01:58:02 Cause I'm coming from California, it's 80 degrees in the day and over here, it's 80 degrees at night. What the fuck is going on? But all right, thank you guys, that's all I got. Woo! Red Band's job is so easy. Angel Miguez, amazing.

Starting point is 01:58:24 Why do you look like you surfed across the border? Welcome, Angel. How long have you been on stand-up? My first time was episode 255. I can't remember what year that is. Was it what? My first time was on episode 255 with Duncan Trussell and David Arquette on this show.

Starting point is 01:58:41 First time ever on stage. At the Comedy Store? At the Comedy Store, yes, sir. Wow, amazing. Was that in the belly room At the Comedy Store. At the Comedy Store, yes sir. Wow, amazing. Was that in the Belly Room or the Main Room? The Main Room. Okay. From the people I choked.

Starting point is 01:58:50 Yeah, you did? I never could have guessed that that would have happened four years ago. Yes sir. You've obviously haven't grown much since then. No sir. What do you do for work, Angel? I'm not working right now, I just got here a week ago.

Starting point is 01:59:02 You just moved here. Yes sir. What made you wanna move here? You. You just moved here. Yes, sir. What made you want to move here? You. Really? Yes, sir. Amazing. Unbelievable. I've been touched by an Angel Maguez.

Starting point is 01:59:12 Yes, sir. Angel, what do you plan on doing for work? What are your capabilities? Working for you, man. What can you possibly do for me? I already have a gardener. I'm pretty sure you got cameraman all over the place. You know, I have a drone, you know, but, you know,

Starting point is 01:59:27 I could get you coffee or whatever, you know, but whatever it takes, you know. It's funny you mentioned that I actually do need a new person to get me coffee. Where do we get it, you know? Nope, my team is saying no. You've been turned down by Yoni and Christy's immediate rejection. Normally they have a very open mind. Double thumbs down from Yoni,

Starting point is 01:59:45 one of the nicest people in showbiz. But according to you, he controls the weather. So, you know what I mean? You may have fucked up with your opening joke there, Angel. Might wanna be a little bit nicer to the Jews if you wanna work in showbiz. Oh, look who's back, everyone. Wow.

Starting point is 02:00:04 Back in the old, wow, very agile for someone absolutely immobile. So Angel, you just moved here, you're here because of me, you want to work for me. Other than a drone, what else can you possibly do? Work a forklift. You can work a forklift? Wow. For Brian Redban. Yeah, you can feed Redban.

Starting point is 02:00:26 That's amazing. That's incredible. There you go. Wow. The alarm. The backup alarm button for the forklift. Sam Jay, what do you think about this? I think it's fucked up that Redban

Starting point is 02:00:39 got to play his own bad sounds. That's crazy, brother. We gotta get you free, man. I didn't like that. I didn't like that. That did not make me feel good. That's him. He's a little piggy.

Starting point is 02:00:54 He plays along. He knows the way. So Angel, how'd you get here? Did you drive here? I flew and then I bought a car like two days in and then I just been living there. I flew and then I bought a car like two days in and then I just been living there. I flew and then I bought a car. Do you know how to play the horns, perhaps, Angel?

Starting point is 02:01:10 I think you could fit in very well over there. But I signed a lease two days ago, so I'm here for a long time, I guess. Oh my, how long is a lease? It's a year, but I mean, I'll see how long I last out here. You're here until Greg Abbott hears your accent, then you're gonna be in Vermont. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:01:31 It is a thick accent. How many brothers and sisters do you have? Two from one side. Hey! Oh, you got Michael Gonzalez excited. Just give us a ballpark here. And by ballpark, I mean mean where you guys picnic every weekend. Seven.

Starting point is 02:01:46 No, like nine. Nine, nine, nine. Oh my goodness. Absolutely unbelievable. Nine brothers and sisters in Los Angeles. OK. Sorry. Absolutely, Angel.

Starting point is 02:01:58 Well, amazing stuff. Thank you for having me, guys. You have any hobbies or special skills or talents that would surprise us? No. Wow. Very fast answer there. Incredible.

Starting point is 02:02:11 You have nothing at all. You do nothing. Yeah. I like taking pictures of cars and I like driving them too. I probably drove around your house in Hollywood whenever you were living there. Super fast. Wow. Yo, this show got a real subreddit energy.

Starting point is 02:02:29 No. No. No, I like doing Canyon runs, my bad. I like driving. I have a, my bad. I fucking love you, Sam Jay. It is amazing. You are just a sweet fucking thing.

Starting point is 02:02:50 God damn. Angel, you've never gotten a joke book before. I mean, you know what I'm gonna do, even though your set was just as fucking mediocre as it gets and your interview was just bland for a guy that's had years to prepare for this. I'm gonna give you a slightly larger than tiny joke book. Because you just moved here,

Starting point is 02:03:12 and I think you could fill it up. And I think that you sign up again, and people are gonna be even more interested in you now that we know your story. And you have no job. You're the, literally, only Mexican we've ever had here that doesn't have a job. You're the literally only Mexican we've ever had here that doesn't have a job. It's incredible.

Starting point is 02:03:28 It's absolutely unbelievable. But we want to get an update. Let's see another minute, and let's get an update soon. Ladies and gentlemen, Angel Maguez! All the way from episode 255. My goodness, how many years ago was that? That's five years. That's about six years ago by my math. Ladies and gentlemen, you guys want a fucking special treat?

Starting point is 02:03:53 Yeah! Yeah! That's how we do it, guys! Ladies and gentlemen, here to join us, I present to you a legend of the show. And without him, without his mother, the show does not exist. I present to you, Kiltoni icon,

Starting point is 02:04:14 Pauly Shore! ["Kill Tony"] I'm just saying. And I have taken over for Lazer. Now it's the Weez-fucking-time, bro. What the fuck do you think, bro? Yes. Thank you guys for coming.

Starting point is 02:04:32 Give it up for Kill Tony and the fucking Shazam crew. Fucking Lazer. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying.

Starting point is 02:04:44 I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. I'm just saying. Now it's the Weez fucking time, bro. What the fuck do you think, bro? Yes. Thank you guys for coming. Give it up for Kill Tony and the fucking Shazam crew. Fucking Shazam. So, you ready for my fucking rim shots this time, Mike? Wake the fuck up and stop texting when I'm on fucking stage, you cocksucker. I'm in front of 20,000 people, kind of eating shit at Madison Square Garden. I do a rimshot joke, and he's fucking...

Starting point is 02:05:07 I'm going like, I need help, and he fucking doesn't do shit. Anyways, I've been matching with a lot of black chicks on Bumble lately. I think you guys know the dating app Bumble. It's where women choose you, and lately, a lot of black chicks, they've been fucking choosing me. I had no fucking idea. My whole life, I've been picking up on the wrong chick. My whole life, I've been fucking choosing me. I had no fucking idea.

Starting point is 02:05:25 My whole life I've been picking up on the wrong chick. My whole life I've been picki... My... My whole life I've been picking up on the crack-ass, crack-ass hoes, and I left these fine-ass chenequas on the motherfucking table. Ain't that a motherfucking bitch? I was dating a girl recently,

Starting point is 02:05:45 and she did break up with me for a black guy. I said, why'd you do that? And she says to me, I just like black dick. So...so... So what I did is I spray painted my dick back, and we got... Fuck, I fucked that up. I... So...

Starting point is 02:06:04 You... Give me the fucking cat meow, bro. What the fuck? I already did. There's too many laughs. Oh, shit. Sorry. All right. Thank you.

Starting point is 02:06:14 Sorry. You're doing good, Paulie. You're doing good. All right. Anyways. Paulie Shorely, everybody. Paulie. What's up, dudes?

Starting point is 02:06:23 So much fun. So wild. You did it again. Sam Jay, would you match with him on Bumble? My name is, uh, Samaria. That's that damn Shadiqua. But, no, um... Can I give you a hug? Of course, Polly. You know I love you.

Starting point is 02:06:36 Can I take your hat off or no? No, stop taking people's hats off, Polly. You want somebody to take off what you're wearing on your head, whatever the fuck that is? It's funny, someone did ask me if I had a Bosley hair weave. How fucked up is that? If I got a Bosley hair weave, I wouldn't fucking tell people I fucking got it, and I'd fucking hide that shit in the woods

Starting point is 02:06:56 and come back a week later and say, check it out, bro. The weasel's weasel. Weasel, bro. It's the weasel's wea... But black women do love Pauly Short. What's that? Black women do love Pauly Short. That is a true thing.

Starting point is 02:07:11 What do you think it is about Pauly the black man? We grew up on him in like Class Act, which is a very popular black movie and he was in it and we were like, we like that. We like that combo. And then, you know what I mean? You were like kind of like flavorful enough, We like that combo. And then, you know what I mean? You were kind of flavorful enough, but weird enough. And I think we all went through a phase where we like dirty skater looking boys, and you were like a dirty skater looking boy, but it wasn't lame.

Starting point is 02:07:35 So it was like, yeah, that's a white dick. I could see happening, possibly. Respect. Wake up, fuck up. All right. Still trying to get Michael Gonzalez out of his funk. Ah, there you go. Okay. Come on, baby. Come on. This is Elvis' motherfucking Presley.

Starting point is 02:07:55 Come on. Dude, I'm so proud of this fucking team. Give it up for Tony and his fucking team, dude. For real, respect. Thank you, Paul. And Yoni. If there was no B, kill Tony. No B. There'd be no kill Tony if there's no fucking Yoni, respect. Thank you, Paulie. And Yoni, if there was no B.Kill. There'd be no Kill Tony if there's no fucking Yoni, bro.

Starting point is 02:08:08 It's true. Yoni is the secret sauce. There's no doubt about it. Fought for a great many, many improvements and striving moments here. Paulie, you did great at Madison Square Garden. How's everything else going? How's LA else going?

Starting point is 02:08:25 How's LA? What's going on? You want to? Good, me and my brother are closer than ever now. Yeah. Yeah. Quiet silence, I like that. Yeah, they don't,

Starting point is 02:08:33 I don't think everybody knows the whole story. You were supposed to do a documentary on it, remember? About six months ago, yo, six months ago, I'm with Tony at the Mitzi's Bar, my mom's name. Get up to my mom's Mitzi's Bar downstairs. Yeah. In honor of the queen. And then he says to me, we're gonna do a documentary on Peter and Pauly.

Starting point is 02:08:50 Yeah. Right? And now he just said, fuck it, you just do a documentary on you. That's it. Well, no. It's your da- no, that's cool, dude. You're famous, bro. No. I still wanna do that documentary. No, you're hot, bro. That's cool.

Starting point is 02:09:01 I wasn't gonna start that night. I kinda have to do some stuff that I have planned, Pauly, and then I'm gonna get around to that project, which I'm still very passionate about. For those of you that don't know, Pauly, of course, the son of Mitzi Shore, has a brother, Peter, the son of Mitzi Shore. And these two, I mean, legends of the game.

Starting point is 02:09:21 Peter runs the comedy store. Pauly is Pauly. Has a full fucking career. Both of them are raised by the wildest comedians in the craziest situations. You could have literally ever imagined. You can't even, no one would believe the childhoods that you guys had.

Starting point is 02:09:41 And I still find there is no doubt. I mean, you want to talk about succession. that you guys had, and I still find there is no doubt. I mean, you wanna talk about Succession, Succession, a show, HBO, not Netflix, that I love, that I loved, it's over now, but I mean, obviously, it's kids trying to, you know, take over from what their parents built, and there was a lot of controversy lot of controversy who's going to get

Starting point is 02:10:07 the Comedy Store how is it going to happen what's this what's that your turn here turn there and all the comedians know about you and your brothers battle but if the if other people ever found out the truth of everything it would literally be the most unbelievable unbelievable fucking show of all time. Yeah, no one knows. Right, but I think maybe one day they will, because of me. Hopefully, yes. You guys heard it right here, right?

Starting point is 02:10:33 Yeah. Because the Comedy Store... I just have to stop filling arenas first, and then, um... and then I'll get around to your story, Paulie. I just have to... LAUGHTER As long as you're gonna commit to doing it at some point, then, you know, that's cool, right?

Starting point is 02:10:51 Totally committed. I absolutely find it to be one of the most unbelievable fucking stories of all time. And then for me, I would really like to do the... And I'm gonna do the Richard Simmons biopic. So that's happening. RIP. RIP. Can I point... His family didn't want...

Starting point is 02:11:05 His family said no, and Richard said no. I said, well, who do you want to play you? He said... he said fucking Tom Cruise, bro. I sw-with a straight face. I'm like, dude, I'm fucking you. Like, I look like you. I don't have to fucking act, motherfucker. Check this out. Come on, ladies.

Starting point is 02:11:23 Let's go, girls. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Yeah, look, you and Michael are back connected fully right now. It's unbelievable. Rocket man. Two, three, four. She packed my bag last night.

Starting point is 02:11:42 Pre-flight. Yeah. Two, three, four. She packed my backhacks last night. Pre-flight. Yeah. Zero hours, 9 a.m. Mars ain't the kind of place. Okay. Okay, cut, cut.

Starting point is 02:11:57 Pauly, that was good. How about Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen? You don't know Rocketman? I'll tell you this, Sam Jay, that somehow doesn't know Rocketman, but I must say, we were absolutely ridiculously jamming to some white people 90s music last night on the boat. I love 90s alternative.

Starting point is 02:12:21 You know some crazy white people music. You actually taught me a couple. I'm like, wait, what? I'm into 90s alternative. You know some crazy white people music. You actually taught me a couple. I'm like, wait, what? I'm into 90s alternative. I'm big into 90s alternative, but I don't know that one. What's your favorite 90s white people music? Like Foo Fighters maybe. You guys know any Foo Fighters?

Starting point is 02:12:40 We're going to have to just dim it for the YouTube or something or cut it or something. Oh, that's my favorite one. Make some noise for the Kill Tony band, Sam Jay and Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen. You guys want one last special treat? As I mentioned earlier, the great William Montgomery couldn't make it,

Starting point is 02:13:01 but I have a little something that I think you guys are gonna love here to bring it home with the final minute of stand-up comedy tonight I present to you one of the all-time very fast-kill Tony legends growing and excelling in front of our very fucking eyes two nights at MSG. He is, without a doubt, on his way to American citizenship. I present to you the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati. Yo, yo. No bigger culture shock for me than the fucking American homeless. Because you have these erratic, fucking, hard to read motherfuckers out there.

Starting point is 02:14:08 There's a guy outside of my apartment, I see him every couple of days, always shirtless, holding a pipe. Just going off. Just, ah, ah, ah! And what annoys me is how nonchalantly everyone else around me acts. Like all my neighbors are like, that's Mike. And I'm the only one who's like, uh, shoot Mike. All these guns for what?

Starting point is 02:14:51 Shoot Mike and I! But his name is literally Mike. Like, my neighbors know the guy. And that's what you have here. You know you're homeless. You, like like grow up with them. Because Estonia where I'm from, we also have homeless people. But what we So it's not the same guy. Every year we get a new batch.

Starting point is 02:15:33 Like butterflies. But here you just see Mike every year getting stronger. Thank you very much. thank you very much. Two minutes of thunder and lightning from the freak of Estonia, Ari Mati. I mean, my goodness, what a way to put a fucking ribbon on it. You are fantastic. Thank you.

Starting point is 02:15:59 Unbelievable delivery, execution, fucking everything. The writing, you know, a lot of people that are as funny with delivery and moving as you don't, they automatically settle for the writing of, uh, that they can get away with. Because they get their laughs from their voice, from their delivery, from all the other things that you also have going.

Starting point is 02:16:24 Your writing is fucking incredible. Your perspective, making it about Estonia, the rough winter, un-fucking-believable. You work very hard at this and it shows you're a natural, absolute freak. Where are we at with your citizenship? Thank you so much. I mean, it's going as well as you can, you know? I mean, I've been on Joe Rogan, I'm on here, so I guess I need to be president

Starting point is 02:16:49 to get this fucking paper, huh? Well, me running. If... It's almost a win-win for you at this point, no matter who ends up being president, because one of them lets everybody become a citizen. And the other one... It appears as though I'm short-circuited,

Starting point is 02:17:16 but I guess you guys are going to find out more soon about the other one. Fantastic stuff. Thanks, Tony. Everybody all the Kill Tony fans, super nice. I walk around, everybody else is here. Let's check in with the great Greg Fitzsimmons. This is your first time seeing Ari Matty, right? Oh, I've seen him online and I've always been very impressed. Oh, thanks, Greg.

Starting point is 02:17:37 I really, really strong. I appreciate it. Although, out of fairness to the black comics and the redneck comics, you use the word nonchalantly about half right through your set. And I would like to challenge you on the... Whoa. Ladies and gentlemen. From the nations fallen from the Soviet block in the 1980s category.

Starting point is 02:18:07 Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first time that I actually think that the speller might get this right. Nonchalantly, this is the first ever and perhaps the last ever Estonian spelling bee, ladies and gentlemen. Nonchalantly is an adverb. In a casually calm and relaxed manner, No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,

Starting point is 02:18:39 no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, That is C-H-A-L. Yes, you are correct. Bitch! I should have your fucking passport! Retard! Back to L. Yep. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here.

Starting point is 02:19:12 I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. I'm out of here. USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, USA, Know Me is a Greg Fitzsimmons comedy on YouTube. Those tickets are at Fitzdogg.com. Thank you to Simply Safe Talkspace and ExpressVPN.

Starting point is 02:19:50 One more time for our guest tonight, Sam Jane, Greg Fitzsimmons. The drawing is in from Ryan J. Ebelt, who draws every episode of Greg and Sam. One more time for the best damn band in the land. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight in the corner there. Fuck yeah.

Starting point is 02:20:14 It's, it's, it's Ari Matty and Hans Kim's baby everybody. I don't know what the fuck, I don't know what the fuck that is. I don't know what the fuck that is. What the fuck is that supposed to be, Chris? Is that Ari? Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com, secret show every Thursday. Chris Rogers art on Instagram. Chris, I love it, I love it. Did you guys have a great night tonight?

Starting point is 02:20:55 Yeah! We love you, thank you. God bless America and God bless Texas. Good night everybody. Good night! God Bless Texas! Goodnight everybody! The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Thanks for watching! you

KILL TONY - #681 - GREG FITZSIMMONS + SAM JAY

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