KILL TONY - #689 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + DR. PHIL (ADAM RAY)

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv and now on Spotify and Apple Podcasts. If you want to check out Tony Hinchcliffe's website, go to TonyHinchcliffe.com. Everything Golden Pony, including his tour dates, at TonyHinchcliffe.com. If you want to check out the Sunset Strip or get some Death Squad merch go to DeathSquad. Las Vegas, Nevada, for a brand new episode of Cal Poly, given up by Tony Hicks Club! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:01:05 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:01:11 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 00:01:18 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Las Vegas, who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Las Vegas, who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh? Yeah!

Starting point is 00:01:25 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What the fuck is up Las Vegas, Nevada?

Starting point is 00:01:33 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Make some noise for Brian Redband, ladies and gentlemen. Hey! Oh my goodness, how fucking exciting is this? We are here.

Starting point is 00:01:46 Wow. Energy here in beautiful Resorts World Theater in Las Vegas, Nevada is palpable. Very, very beautiful place. Supposed to be one of the newest theaters here in Vegas. How many of you live in Nevada? Wow. So you guys get to see some real shit live in the flesh tonight.

Starting point is 00:02:13 Let's just jump right in. How about a hand for the best band in the land, huh? We get to see them live on this one. That is indeed the great Groove Line Horns. Makes some noise for Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, and Fernando Castillo. That is Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys. And that's Dee Madness, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:02:53 His first time playing here in Las Vegas, Nevada. At least that's where he thinks he is. We have a very fun show planned for you before we get started here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Kick off an exciting football season with Bet MGM, an official sports book partner of the National Football League.

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Starting point is 00:04:03 Ready for another season of gridiron glory? What are you waiting for? the For free assistance, call the Connax Ontario Helpline at 1-866-531-2600. That MGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with iGaming Ontario. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Yeah! Two guests tonight. A two guest show. Introducing your first guest,

Starting point is 00:04:43 a man who is one of my favorite comedians of all time, one of my favorite comedic actors of all time. Many, many saying that this is the front runner for the 2024 Guest of the Year. Las Vegas, I'd like to introduce you to the great and powerful Harlan Williams. Oh boy. Here we go. Live in the flesh. He's back. Yeah, actually go to that one, go to that one, yeah. Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen. Wow.

Starting point is 00:05:41 Wow, I gotta tell you, gang, this is a... This is a... Well... We almost lost him to lion disease. Now, this is a tough night, as you know, Tony, and most of you who follow me on the Inter-Google. I, uh... 17 years ago today, my, uh, father passed away,

Starting point is 00:06:18 and, uh, he was, uh... killed by rabies. And... He was attacked by a rabies. Yeah. He was attacked by a rabies skunk. We're farm folk. And, uh, as you know, one day, it's, you can read it on the inter-Google. My dad was out in the cobs,

Starting point is 00:06:39 and we heard some rustling around, and the old man was, uh, bit by a rabies skunk and passed away so this is a big night for me and I want to thank you for having me here. Dad I hope you're in the big nibblet in the sky. I feel like he's looking over us right now I can smell the rabies skunk beaming off of him. Yep, that's a sign right there, that was him. Harland is joining us all night long with one other guest

Starting point is 00:07:17 and I'm going to bring out that guest right now while sitting here with who many claim will be the 2024 Guest of the Year. Joining us on this panel is Killtony Hall of Famer, a Golden Ticket winner, and the 2023 Guest of the Year. Ladies and gentlemen, this is indeed the one and only Dr. Phil. This is indeed the one and only Dr. Phil! Oh shit! Oh boy! Oh god! Oh he is already on fire!

Starting point is 00:07:56 Oh my god! Oh my god! Oh my god! On fire! Oh my goodness. Oh boy. Oh. Oh my god. No one does it quite like him, folks. Vegas, make some fucking noise if you're excited to be alive tonight.

Starting point is 00:08:26 Jiggle those titties and get those hands in the air. Let's fucking go. It's Wednesday. Some dudes pulled out their tits on that one. Jiggle them tits. Tony good to be here. Hell yeah. Red Band good to see you.

Starting point is 00:08:43 The man. Harlan. The man. Harlan. The myth. The legend. How are you, Doc? Well, I wanna say something real quick. There's a special time, Vegas, Kill Tony in Vegas, give it up for that, that's a big fuckin' deal.

Starting point is 00:08:55 Never thought we'd get here, but you did it. But it's kind of a big day for me. About 10 years ago, a woman that my dad was fucking died from rabies. And I'm gonna take a moment of silence for that twat. Okay, that's good. Thanks for having me, Tony. Well, luckily you're two of the best guests in the show's history, so you know exactly how it works.

Starting point is 00:09:21 Over 300 innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to perhaps get pulled out of this bucket. It's absolutely thick chaos filled to the brim. No doubt about it. If I pull their name out, we're gonna meet them all together. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Starting point is 00:09:40 That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry Fremont Street bear Fremont Street Wow Old-school Vegas people here some real fucking white trash in the house some real fucking Desert monkeys, you know what I'm saying some real fucking sand snails out here some real fucking Cactus you know what I'm saying? Some real fucking sand snails out here. Some real fucking Cactus c***. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, all right. Saw a couple Asian Jews in the crowd too, Tony. Yeah, yeah, there's those too, but

Starting point is 00:10:17 I call them cactus c*** Well, we go wrangle that first bucket pull of the night While we go wrangle that first bucket pull of the night, let's get it started with perhaps what many say is one of the greatest regulars and comedians in the history of the show. I can think of no better way to start a show like this than with a young man who, you know, a place like Las Vegas, a swing state,

Starting point is 00:10:43 I think represents very well the greatness that is the United States of America. And this first comedian is on a mission to become an American citizen. ["The Fastest Rising Star"] Truly one of the fastest rising stars in all of stand-up comedy, this is a brand new minute from the Estonian assassin, Ari Mati!

Starting point is 00:11:10 Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati!

Starting point is 00:11:17 Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati!

Starting point is 00:11:23 Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Ari Mati! Thank you. You know what I did recently? I had sex with my ex. Woo! Highly recommended. That shit is the best. We went back to her place.

Starting point is 00:11:49 I saw her pussy like an old friend. There he is. Isn't it the best when you fuck an ex? Because you know that pussy. You know all the buttons. It's like playing Tony Hawk Pro Skater 2 again. Cause that's the worst when you start dating somebody new, you get that new pussy, you're like, what the fuck?

Starting point is 00:12:21 It's like, new pussy is like switching to Android. It's like, new pussy's like switching to Android. You're like, why is it green? Because that's the worst when you start dating somebody new. Guys don't have that. That's why dick is the best, like, overall. Because it's universal. Dick is like best, like, overall. Because it's universal. Dick is like a USBC. I don't need to, you know.

Starting point is 00:12:51 Every guy here, I could fucking... I don't need to know you. I don't need to put Phil Collins on for atmosphere. Dude, if they lock the doors in the back and they're like, okay, Ari, the only way we get out is we need a bucket of gum. We're all out before midnight.

Starting point is 00:13:21 But if they tell me the only way we get out is I need to make three women here come, we're all gonna starve to death. Thank you very much Las Vegas. Thank you. He's done it again. Ari Mati. Thank you. Coming out with pure swagger. I do believe, I mean, that has to be a new suit.

Starting point is 00:13:46 That is unbelievable. I just got it today. It was a thousand dollars. I am financially in ruins. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. You look fucking fantastic. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:13:59 It is incredible. You've done it again. Have you been to Vegas before? The first time in Las Vegas. Oh. Let's get married. Harland Williams. Tony, I feel like a complete idiot. About half an hour ago, I let this guy valet my car.

Starting point is 00:14:20 It's mine now, Harland. It smelled like pussy juice, I gotta tell you. I'm gonna ballet my car. It's mine now, Harland. It smells like pussy juice, I gotta tell ya. What flavor? Raspberry Sunblast. Okay. Ari, Matty, what have you done in Las Vegas so far? I went to Ross & Dress, and it's an amazing store.

Starting point is 00:14:45 Holy shit, don't even steal dude. It's two dollars for everything dude. I've never heard anybody call it the entire name of the store. Yes. It's usually just Ross, but I didn't Ross and Dress right? Ross and Dress. For a second I thought you were naming a friends character and another guest dog. What did you buy? I bought like a golden shirt, some shorts. Wow. That's a blazing on that.

Starting point is 00:15:16 Hell yeah. I bought some jeans, some women's lingerie. I mean it's for free so. Might as well. Where would you wear a golden shirt? Backstage, where the bitches are at. Good answer. Fuck yeah, Ari. Fuck yes.

Starting point is 00:15:37 You mentioned... Oh, go ahead, Tony. No, you go ahead. Well, you mentioned a green pussy that you ate. Yes. Who was it? It was my ex. Who was your ex? My sweet angel. Estonian?

Starting point is 00:15:50 Yes, I miss her very much, but I need to get a passport, so... It was very sad. Thanks for bringing it up. Well, green pussy in America feels like a red flag, you know what I'm saying? So maybe you're dodging a bullet red flag is great Red white and blue. Yes, America. That's a correct answer. Be sure to answer it that way on your exam for citizenship That's the sound you when you hear that sound, you know, you're that much closer to I've never gambled I've never even tried to put money on something

Starting point is 00:16:25 I'm very excited to lose all of it. Okay. I've heard of this expression beginners luck. Uh-huh I might win a million dollars tonight. What game are you thinking about playing? It was the guys were talking in the back. It's baccarat It's baccarat it is the famous game of poker and then I want to pull a lever to win some coins. I love it. You're in for some dis- I don't think coins have come out of a slot machine in 30 years. I have Apple Pay too. There's also a fun way to gamble.

Starting point is 00:17:03 You get into an u Uber pool, okay? You take your dick out and you see if you get arrested or not. Don't try it. Unless you're feeling lucky. If someone came up to you in the casino and said, I'll give you a million bucks if you'll sleep with me tonight, would you do it my guy? Who is this person asking me? Robert Redford. Don't know who that is, I will do it. You're gonna need to know for your citizenship test. Okay, how about this?

Starting point is 00:17:36 It's the owner of Ross and Dress. Ross? It's Mr. Ross himself? Yeah. I love it. I'll put on a dress for Ross. Ari Matty, I cannot possibly think of a better way to get this show started. Thank you so much, everybody! With a fucking bang, Ari Matty. And here we go. We shall begin the process of our first bucket pull of the night.

Starting point is 00:18:01 Now, how many of you are fans of the show? Yeah! Wow. first bucket pull of the night. Now, how many of you are fans of the show? Well, you may have brought a plus one or a date with you tonight that might not know, but this is the part where things get crazy. Ari makes it look easy, our regulars make it look easy, our golden ticker winners make it look easy, but it is not easy at all. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 00:18:24 Make some noise for the great Valerie Vaughn and Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, who are with us all night. That's the real deal. Some incels that can't even look directly at them. I love it. I love to see our fucking nerdy fans that are just used to sitting back on YouTube.

Starting point is 00:18:43 I don't wanna get an erection while next to people at a show. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Anyway, so the shicken at the fan, it could also be the next great talent. We found all of our stars out of this bucket. It could be a completely insane person.

Starting point is 00:18:59 Anything can happen. Your first bucket pull of the night, bucket pull number one, goes by the name of Corey Grumpy Johnson. It's a good name. Let's see what happens. Corey Grumpy Johnson. Here he is, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 00:19:20 Make some noise for Corey everyone 2024 crazy year crazy year OJ Simpson and Nicole are back together again Didn't see that one coming. I really didn't see that one coming at all Recently I went to Five and Below and I was a little confused because I almost bought, excuse me, I almost spent $27 but I only tried to buy three things. Now I'm half white so a part of me just wanted to go straight Karen. But then I realized I'm half black, so I just stole the shit. Fuck five and below.

Starting point is 00:20:20 Is it me or should more gay men be winning these hot dog eating contests? I just feel like they practice more. Thank you. Wow. Corey Grumpy Johnson, a great comedy name. I saw the shirt first. You are now witnessing greatness and my expectations hit the ground for you. Unbelievable. Nicole Brown Simpson, Reunited. First, you are now witnessing greatness, and my expectations hit the ground for you. Uh, unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:20:47 Nicole Brown Simpson, reunited. You think she went to hell? Yes, yes, she went to hell. Apparently she was a piece of shit too, Tony. Whoa! You know what I mean? Someone I've never seen anyone take OJ's side in the argument before.

Starting point is 00:21:02 Holy shit. Dr. Phil. Well, I followed OJ on Twitter in the argument before. Holy shit, Dr. Phil. Well, I followed OJ on Twitter up until he passed. And I agree with you on that. You know, he was entertaining post-murder, you know? He'd always be in a Costco parking lot being like, what's up, Twitter world? You ever notice how, what the fuck was that, Red Band?

Starting point is 00:21:24 That was Speedy Gonzalez from the Looney Tunes? That was OJ Simpson getting some potato salad at a Costco. Anyway, what did Nicole do that made you go, fuck this bitch? Well, word on the street is she was a- What street? Fremont Street. Well played.

Starting point is 00:21:47 I set you up for that. It is literally this, somehow, somehow this is the Fremont Street section of, how did they, I guess if you bought your tickets in that like, Wi-Fi zone, you got that section. None of these people reacting to Fremont Street. Yeah, this is Fremont Street, this is Sesame Street over here.

Starting point is 00:22:07 Yeah. Just Cookie Monsters and Elmo Dolls. Couple strippers. Okay, so Nicole did what? Apparently Nicole was a whore, man. She was a whore. Where do you, is this real? You've heard this? No, no, no.

Starting point is 00:22:20 Oh, okay, great. It's a joke. Which word on the street, Tony? It's just a joke, satire. I feel like Cory's on the street a lot, so he might have the ears down to the ground. Cory, how long you been trying stand-up comedy? I've been doing it a little over a year now.

Starting point is 00:22:32 All of it here in Vegas, you live here? No, I'm from Phoenix. You made the trip here. Shout out to Phoenix! There you go. Did you make the trip here for this? Yeah, we drove up. I actually, I took off today for work.

Starting point is 00:22:43 Me and my girlfriend, shout out to Angela, I love you. We drove up here and we're actually turning around and driving back. I got work in the morning. Special shout out for Angela after defending domestic abusers for half your time up here. That's called a love bomb, what you just saw, everybody.

Starting point is 00:23:00 That's one of the positive moments of their relationship. What do you do for work? I'm a cook. Oh, yeah? What are you cooking? I cook at a bar. So just bar food. Yeah. Okay. You have a deep fryer. I do. You have a microwave. I have four deep fryers, a flat top, a microwave.

Starting point is 00:23:18 That's pretty much it. Wow. Hell yeah. I have a microwave. You have a microwave? I do. So You have a microwave? I do. So you're a chef. Some may call it that. You didn't know that's all you needed, huh, Harlan?

Starting point is 00:23:37 That's it. I guess I'm a fucking chef too. I noticed you have a neck tattoo, my guy. You don't see a lot of chefs. Like Chef Boyardee doesn't have a neck tattoo, my guy. You don't see a lot of chefs, like Chef Boyardee doesn't have a neck tattoo of lasagna, you know what I mean? He should've. Well, I've been to prison, so, you know.

Starting point is 00:23:52 You've been to prison? Okay, well that would explain the microwave, yeah. What have you been to prison for, and how many times did Angela call the cops before they showed up? Good question, Tony. Did you get the feeling he was O.J.'s cellmate and O.J. told him to say this shit?

Starting point is 00:24:10 Yeah. What's his pin number? His pin number. 3232. What'd you go to prison for? Tell the truth. When I was a kid, man, I was running around, I was a wild dude.

Starting point is 00:24:22 And from 15 to 31, I've been in and out of jail. That's a large window there. When I was a kid, I was pretty wild, 15 to 31. That's like going into a shirt store and being like, do you have a men's small or a dinosaur triple X? It's for a friend. Jesus Christ, that's a huge timeline player. I didn't go straight through, I was in and out a lot, and a lot of stuff.

Starting point is 00:24:49 Okay, let's talk about it. Let's rattle off, how many of you wanna hear some of this guy's fucking rap shit? You beat somebody to death with a microwave at 15, am I correct? No, no, no. Burglary, stealing cars, I was a knucklehead, doing a lot of dumb shit, so. But I, you know, I turned my life around, so.

Starting point is 00:25:08 And comedy. How did you turn it around? Good for you. I turned it around, uh, Arizona help. I'm from Philly originally, so. When I got out of the environment. If you turn your life around in Arizona, that's fucking amazing. Yeah, I moved out there and, you know, just changed my life.

Starting point is 00:25:26 I started doing things differently. Put a lot of the drugs and alcohol and stuff down. I still drink a little bit, but put the drugs and stuff down. What kind of drugs were you doing? Coke, heroin, a lot of heavy shit. Wow. Heroin. What's the bet? Now, I've always wanted to try heroin.

Starting point is 00:25:42 You know, I'd say four days a week. No, you don't. No, you don't't. Well don't tell me how to live my fucking life. Four days a week I wake up asking myself, you know, could I get a neck tattoo and be a chef? Maybe heroin's the only thing standing in my way. What's the best part about heroin? Um, the escape, the feeling. You know, at first it's awesome, and then it's really not. Where do you escape to?

Starting point is 00:26:10 Wherever you want to go. It'll take you to the moon, if that's where you want to go. Well, fuck you. Who doesn't want to go to the moon? I thought you had to take a space shuttle, but I could just inject myself with some juice. It might take you to the grave, too.

Starting point is 00:26:23 You got to be careful with that stuff. Whoa, whoa. got dark real quick. Yeah, Jesus Christ. He's like, yeah, you could go to the moon for 15 to 31 years. Sorry, had to get that in. Cory, fun times, congratulations. I'm gonna give you a medium-sized joke book. Nice catch.

Starting point is 00:26:41 There you go. Great catch, especially for a heroin addict. Incredible reflexes. Usually they lose that. Okay, we're gonna keep it moving along. Between every bucket pool, I have a special treat for you guys throughout the night. Does that sound cool?

Starting point is 00:26:57 Yeah! Sounds like a pretty fucking amped up, awesome show to me, doesn't it? Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian doing a brand new minute is the, basically the most recent golden ticket winner in the show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a return,

Starting point is 00:27:17 I mean, this kid is like a fucking throwback to a different era, just as fucking silly, chewy as it gets. Young Larry David, young Woody Allen vibes, wackadoodle, he's like if you put a fucking Holocaust victim in a microwave and just fucking radioed him up. I'd like to introduce you to the next minute

Starting point is 00:27:43 by the great Jack Shaw, everybody. Here he is. One of the young, rising stars of the show. A brand new minute from him. Uh oh, here he is. Look out. Oh boy, uh oh. Make some noise for Jack Shaw.

Starting point is 00:28:01 I don't know about you guys, Thanks a lot for Jack Shaw. I don't know about you guys, but I love to play with my penis. There's so many things you can do with it. You can talk out of a little hole. You can go, you can do that. You can, oh, you can put your glasses on it. You can make the man with the big nose. You guys know that guy.

Starting point is 00:28:30 But my favorite thing to do above all is to beat it till it cries. Who's with me, Las Vegas? It makes people so uncomfortable when I talk about masturbating at the dinner table. I don't know why. It's such a lovely experience. But I realize I never smile when I do it. Does...

Starting point is 00:28:57 Does anyone do that? No, it's this thing I love to do, but it seems to make me angry. Do you guys know what I'm talking about? Think about it the next time you're masturbating. Think about me. Think about it. You're not going to be like, no, you're going to be like, ah.

Starting point is 00:29:23 I think the reason that I don't, that I get so angry is because I don't like what my penis looks like. It looks a little bit like Mitch McConnell, a little bit. And I've never sent a dick pic. And you know why? Because I've never once looked at my penis and thought, you know what? Someone else needs to see this. Thank you all so much.

Starting point is 00:29:45 I'm Jack Shaw. Jack Shaw, talking about his penis for a minute, 20 seconds straight. Unbelievable. Can I just get clarity? Yeah. What was the noise you did at the beat? Your penis goes, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.

Starting point is 00:29:58 Oh, it's more, no, no, no, it's more of a me, me, me, me, me. You know that's the exact same sound a horn on a Walmart electric fucking wheelchair makes right? No I did not. I did not know that. Well the next time you're masturbating in Walmart you'll find out. Is that where you do it? Is that where you like to do it? No. In a Walmart? I don't think I like your fucking attitude right now Jack if I'm being perfectly honest. I'm looking for partners dude Okay, okay, we'll just say that then okay. Yes. Thank you. Do that target you have something to aim for

Starting point is 00:30:33 Jack how come you can't send the right dick pic cuz lighting is a big part of it But also location and who you send it to oh, I don't really like I've never sent one I don't really like the way it looks. Well, you gotta believe in yourself. Oh, sure. Well, if I believe too hard, I shoot for the moon. Well, I can get you some heroin from Quarry. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:30:57 Ha ha ha. You, you, you know, circumcised or uncircumcised, guy? Good question. Oh, big circumcised or uncircumcised, guy? Good question. Oh, big circumcised. I have a lot of circumcision. So like you still got skin on the back of your neck,

Starting point is 00:31:11 I think. Extremely circumcised. Very, very Jewish. You said that sometimes you put glasses on it and it looks like a man with a big nose. Are you talking about your father? Uh, yes. Do you ever do any special tricks, uh, dewy tricks?

Starting point is 00:31:32 Like you ever take a condom and just sit it on the back base like a yarmulke? I reuse them. Oh, wow. Look at that. Very thrifty. Thrifty and shifty. Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen. What else is going on?

Starting point is 00:31:44 How do you feel about being in Las Vegas, Nevada? Oh my God. I'm so excited. Very thrifty. Thrifty and shifty. Jack Shaw, ladies and gentlemen. What else is going on? How do you feel about being in Las Vegas, Nevada? Oh my God, dude. It's so cool, man. I love it. I definitely have a gambling problem. Tell us about it. Well, I keep losing. I keep losing at it. I love Black Jack. I love that game.

Starting point is 00:32:03 Okay. I thought that was a guy that you knew. Yeah. That's what my friends tell me to dress up as in Halloween. Oh, shit. We'll be right back. Ha ha ha. Fun, fun, fun. And you're still living in Los Angeles, correct?

Starting point is 00:32:19 Yes, I am, but I'm planning to go to Austin. You're planning on going to Austin or moving to Austin? To move to Austin, Luke. There you go. That's a whole different thing. Look at you. That's amazing. Unbelievable. I love it how he talked about his dad. If I could just reflect on a sentimental moment,

Starting point is 00:32:37 I'll never forget my... my dear father, who passed away from rabies. He used to, uh... When I was a boy, when I was nine years old, he used to take me behind Kentucky Fried Chicken and put coleslaw all over my head and throw me in the dumpster and tell me I was a sea monster. Well, if you're gonna laugh, fuck off. Wait, that's it?

Starting point is 00:33:08 I guess so. That's it. My dad died of rabies, what else do you want? That's true. If you could look away, your face is really fucking me up. I'm sorry about that. I feel like his face is gonna orgasm on me any second.

Starting point is 00:33:24 Like just turn it over that way, squirty. He's a wild boy. He's a wild boy. Jack, are your parents proud of you? Say his full name, Jack Off. Jack, yes. Jack, are your parents proud of you? They are, well, yeah, I think so. I think so.

Starting point is 00:33:42 They wish I wouldn't talk about masturbating so much, but they do it. Why? Because they hear you do it? Yeah. Do you live with them still? I do. Upstairs or downstairs? Same level. Fuck. Wow. So they hear all your little... Can I take a gander at what you sound like when

Starting point is 00:34:00 you're having an orgasm? Of course. Actually, I'm going to give you guys three options and you will play a little game called, hey, which one of these is Jack's cum noise? Red band hit me with some theme music. Here we go. Or actually, band hit me. Here it is. Oh.

Starting point is 00:34:17 That's fucking perfect, Red Band. Holy shit. All right, here we go. First noise. Harlan, you can do the second one. All right. Ah!hh! Ahhhhhhh!

Starting point is 00:34:29 Ahhhhh! Sorry! Okay, that's the first option. Harlan, what's the second one? The second one goes something like this. The mighty Chewbacca. What's the third option? And the third option is, well, Jack, why don't you give us an option? Yeah, sure. It's more than, ow, ow, ow, ow!

Starting point is 00:35:00 Wow. Ow, but you're doing it to yourself. Well, I go harden the paint, Dr. Ville. Wow. Yeah, you do. Fucking a Kima Lajuan over here. You get the feeling he has cat litter gravel in his vaseline?

Starting point is 00:35:19 I don't know, I don't know what that means. Okay, audience, which one do we think it was? Option number one, option number two, or option number three? A lot of people surprisingly sing two on this one. A lot of people sing two, holy shit. That is it. Use the force, Luke.

Starting point is 00:35:41 Jack, which one is it? Number two, everybody, number two! Wow, unbelievable! There he goes, Jack Shaw. Jack, you're done. Thank you, Jack. Absolutely. There he goes. Jack Shaw. Jack, put that mic stand back up there. One more time for Jack, everybody.

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Starting point is 00:37:02 We're gonna keep it moving along make some some noise for Izzy Hall, everybody. We're gonna meet them all together. Izzy Hall, a whole new crop of people out here in the desert of Western America. This is Las Vegas, Nevada, and your next bucket pull is Izzy Hall. Here he is. Make some full is Izzy Hall, here he is. Make some noise for Izzy, everybody.

Starting point is 00:37:27 So I'm not homophobic, but I just hate that those bastards have kind of reclaimed the rainbow. I used to love the rainbow. That shit's gay now. I used to love the rainbow. That shit's gay now. I recently found out that the G-spot's in the asshole. Like, what's up with that? Like, because I believe in God,

Starting point is 00:37:54 but I don't understand why an omniscient creator would put a come-really-hard button right up in my asshole and expect me not to go searching. And if I do, I go to hell. And they give them, like, a really cute name, like Sodomy or whatever. Recently, I've tried to figure out, like, who is going to be coming first?

Starting point is 00:38:16 Is it the top or the bottom? So I've been watching a lot of gay porn. They're trying to figure it out. And then, unfortunately, just... It's me. Thank you guys. Wow. 56 seconds from Izzy Hall.

Starting point is 00:38:34 Hi Izzy. Hey Tony. How are ya? I'm doing really well. I love it, I love it. Welcome, how long you been doing standup? This is my first time. Wow, look at that. Incredible. How old you been on stand-up? This is my first time. Wow. Look at that.

Starting point is 00:38:45 Incredible. How old are you, Izzy? Uh, I'm 24. 24. Look at you. First time and you are the captain now. Incredible. I gotta tell ya. Alright, Tony.

Starting point is 00:38:59 I'm on the same page with this guy, man. Okay. I'm on the same page with you about the rainbow, dude. Like, remember the rainbow used to be, you saw a beautiful rainbow, you go over the other side, there's a leprechaun and marshmallows and unicorns. Now you go over the rainbow

Starting point is 00:39:16 and there's four guys in a hot tub at a Motel 6 in Bakersfield. Not cool, not cool, bro. Usually I thought they would find you at the end of the rainbow, to be fair. What the fuck is that supposed to mean? He looks like the replicant at the end of the rainbow is where I was trying to get. Did you call me a Jew at the end of the rainbow? Is that what you said? What did he say? What? Say it again?

Starting point is 00:39:41 He thinks you're the world's largest leprechaun. He's clearly never seen a white person before. No. He's just eaten lucky charms in Ethiopia, wherever you're from. Where are you from? You remind me of Somali that I used to know. You're correct, it's Ethiopia.

Starting point is 00:39:56 It's all the same shit, to be honest. Ah! I nailed it, you're Ethiopian? Yes, yes, yes, Tony. Absolutely. I fucking love that song, why'd you stop it? Wait, where is he, where is Ethiopia on a map? Africa.

Starting point is 00:40:11 Okay. It's on the east side. It's called the Horn of Africa. What's that mean? It means no worries. There you go. Second favorite song on that album. Wow, Izzy easily offended it seems. No, no, I think it's fun.

Starting point is 00:40:30 What was that weird fake laugh you just did? Fun stuff. No, you're a thoughtful guy. You went from the buttholes to G-spot to I believe in God in about three seconds. No, because everything's like created for a reason. You know, that's what I like. and so with the G-spot, I guess, and the guy's ass, and it's like, but you can't go there.

Starting point is 00:40:51 Did you hear that from a friend, or is that a fact you found out on your own? Because facts are always fun to find. I talk about that in my book, but I want to know, when you find, when you learn stuff, do you do it from hearsay, or from your own discoveries? in my book, but I wanna know, when you learn stuff, do you do it from hearsay or from your own discoveries? It's like I can't find out, right? It's like there's a rule that I can't go explore,

Starting point is 00:41:15 so I just have to take word of mouth, do it, and somebody yells. What's the craziest thing you've ever had up your ass? Good question, Tony. I'm afraid my mom's gonna watch this. What's the craziest thing you've ever had up your ass? Good question, Tony. Uh... I'm afraid my mom's gonna watch this. Yeah. Well. Too soon.

Starting point is 00:41:33 She's the one that named you Izzy. Yeah. A short price, eh? Like you have a mother. It's a Q-tip. The answer is a Q-tip. Wow, the rapper Q-tip. The answer is a Q-tip. Wow, the rapper Q-tip. Absolutely incredible that you've been to P. Diddy's house.

Starting point is 00:41:50 And... I've never been there before. You ever put a coconut up there? Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Pie. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Psh, psh. What the fuck just happened? Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Pie. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut pie.

Starting point is 00:42:05 Psh. Psh. What the fuck just happened? Holy shit. Looks like we Ethiopianed up a wormhole here. Izzy, what do you think's the most Ethiopian thing about you? Do you ever just stop eating? You ever just starve yourself because it's like, it runs through your blood?

Starting point is 00:42:30 I think the most Ethiopian thing about me is my forehead. It's a like really defining thing. I don't eat a lot, but like that's by choice. Didn't I see you on one of those Sarah McLaughlin commercials? Yeah, I mean, that's how I'm here. I was sponsored. Didn't I see you on one of those Sarah McLaughlin commercials? Yeah, I mean that's how I'm here. I was sponsored. In the arms of a Q-tip. You're funny dude, you're rolling with the punches tonight. You just fake grabbed at a fly, that was funny.

Starting point is 00:42:59 Yeah, I don't understand that. I see those commercials, You guys think that we can't swat flies? It is aggressive. I don't know. Yeah, I could swat flies. Are you good at swatting flies? We have a bag of flies. We were expecting an Ethiopian bucket full. Okay, I was lying about being able to swat flies. Oh, oh, look out, look out.

Starting point is 00:43:22 Ha ha ha. Oh, look out, look out. Ha ha ha. Dude, I'm this, I am this close to sending you 50 cents a month, I gotta tell ya. I'd appreciate it. I'd appreciate it. And by the way, your fuzzy hair, man, you'd make a great fucking Q-tip, I gotta tell ya. He's trying to fuck me. Come find my G-Spa right now, come on.

Starting point is 00:43:44 Come on. Come on. Who were those twins, those Caribbean twins? Oh, the island boys? The island boys, yeah. Has anyone ever told you that you look like one of the island boys in blackface? No.

Starting point is 00:43:58 No, well I just did. That might be tonight's Doritos joke of the night. Uh oh. That's okay. You know what I a good, you don't like, because he doesn't like it when people make fun of him. I don't know if anybody's watching this. You look like anorexic ventriloquist duncans. Wow, I haven't heard that since I started.

Starting point is 00:44:18 Tony, you look like you asked for samples at a sperm bank. Wow, this is unbelievable. Entry level roast jokes, ladies and gentlemen. Anyone can do it. It's literally my first time being comedy. It's okay, well maybe don't fucking box with Mike Tyson. Play the video game, dude. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:35 Play the video game. Go, baby, go home. It's my first time roasting. I'm gonna go against the guy that does it probably better than anybody in the world. Tony. I'm living my dreams here. You know it probably better than anybody in the world Tony I'm living my dreams here You know what I love about the third island boy?

Starting point is 00:44:49 Yeah You know what you'll find on islands? Coconut Coconut Coconut Coconut Coconut Pie

Starting point is 00:44:58 Coconut, coconut, coconut pie Wow I think we found our first two Avengers of the guest history of Kiltoni. They are joining forces. This is like when they came out with a Wolverine Deadpool movie or something. Harland and the Doctor. That's how you find the Ethiopian G-spot. Elbow, fist. Izzy, before I let you go, I gotta know, because you seem like a very charismatic guy. Is there anything else crazy about your life that we should know about? Before I let you go, I gotta know, because you seem like a very charismatic guy.

Starting point is 00:45:27 Is there anything else crazy about your life that we should know about? I mean, I feel like there's something more to you. I was drugged. I was drugged by some prostitutes in Colombia. In Colombia, amazing. Okay, what did they do to you? Nothing, I got away really quickly because I speak Spanish, but if I hadn't, I would have been in a lot of problems.

Starting point is 00:45:49 It was like an EDM music festival that I went to. I didn't know that they were at the time. They just seemed really cool. Most prostitutes are. Yeah. Yeah, it's a problem over there, I guess. Do your parents live here? No, they're refugees. Oh, I love the refugees.

Starting point is 00:46:13 They did the... Yeah. Wait. Lauryn Hill. Yeah, the Fugees. Yeah, yeah. They're the... Yes.

Starting point is 00:46:21 No, um... Drowning my pain. I came here... I came to like... Okay, Red Band, how many bug noises do you have for this guy, relax. Jesus, Jack, Andy. Racist.

Starting point is 00:46:34 I came to America on like a, like on a visa. Yeah, a visa? No, on a visa. Legally, instead of like walking here, like, is like what people do these days I guess? It's a tough walk from Ethiopia. Hey, be nice to the guy. Look at his legs, he was attacked by someone

Starting point is 00:46:56 with a typewriter. Uh, well, you know what Izzy, your set was just okay, but since it was your first time, and I think you have a lot of fucking work to do, you're gonna get the first big joke from you tonight, buddy. Here you go, coming at ya.

Starting point is 00:47:16 Izzy Hall, ladies and gentlemen. I'm in the hall. Great job, dude. Back to another special treat. We're gonna keep it moving fast here, because it's a long walk from the back if you want to rock and roll. This guy is neither a regular

Starting point is 00:47:30 nor technically a golden ticket winner but he is a legend of the show's history. He is America's favorite uncle. You know him, you love him. This is indeed a brand new minute from David Jolly. The Highlander. The Highland boy.

Starting point is 00:47:46 David Jolly, ladies and gentlemen. Send these motherfuckers out faster. Whoever's working the back, send them out faster. How y'all doing tonight? White people in Puerto Rico! Hell yeah. Y'all doing tonight? Wait, people in Puerto Rico! Hell yeah. Y'all watch the Olympics? That shit was crazy as hell, man.

Starting point is 00:48:10 They had breakdancing in the Olympics. In four years, them niggas gonna be shooting crowds. These goddamn Germans could really roll a seven, George. Hell yeah, Netflix, I'm sick of Netflix. They ripping us off. I'm glad I'm stealing that shit. They keep on giving us these horrible ass movies, man. They bad, then they got the voiceover on them. Voiceover shit as hell. Like French voiceovers.

Starting point is 00:48:33 Who watch French movies? That's like watching gay porn. Nobody wanna see that shit. The thing is, if you gonna give us voiceovers and they be bad voiceovers, at least make them interesting, you know? I don't about to wanna see that shit. The thing is, if you gonna give us voiceovers and they be bad voiceovers, at least make them interesting, you know?

Starting point is 00:48:50 Like put a hood nigga on a couple of them bitches. Let them do like the Godfather. I'm gonna give you an offer you can't refuse. Shit! Ain't no way you gonna turn this down. Ka-ka! Or like switch it up. Let a white dude do like a hood-ass movie, you know?

Starting point is 00:49:11 Let a white dude do boys in the hood. Yo, Ricky dude, he has a gun, bro! Oh, shit, he shot Ricky, bro! Fuck! Ricky was working on his credit, dude. Ricky was a great guy, bro. All right, thank y'all very much, man. David Jolly with a new minute.

Starting point is 00:49:33 Fuck yeah, welcome back, David. Yeah, huh? Welcome. Thank you, my brother. How you doing? Man, I'm doing fucking great. Man, hell yeah, we in Vegas. I'm trying to buy some pussy.

Starting point is 00:49:43 Hell yeah. Hell yeah. What's your budget right'm trying to buy some pussy. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. What's your budget right now? What's your pussy-budge? $40. Wow. You can have Dr. Phil for $30. Shit, it worth four easy payments of $6.99.

Starting point is 00:49:58 Hey, you might get a deal today, baby. You feel me? I don't know what you just said, but okay. I should have brought my translator out here. No, you crushed it, Dave. You fucking crushed it up there, baby. Can I say something? I got a little bone to pick with you, my guy.

Starting point is 00:50:13 All right. I just want you to know that those voiceover people, they work really hard to do what they do, and I don't think I like your attitude. It's the same Chinese dude in every movie playing the male and the female part. That's some bull shit. Well, I don't-

Starting point is 00:50:30 It's a goddamn ripoff, man. That's Hans Kim. I know who it is. It's goddamn Hans. You gonna trick me, bitch. I don't know. I agree with you. By the way, I'm so glad you got the Wendy's shift off

Starting point is 00:50:44 to come and do the show tonight. What's the Wendy's deal about? Get out. Well, that's a Wendy's drive-through shirt, my man. Oh, that's a nice ass shirt. Feel it, feel it, feel it. Well, let's not play pretend on my time. It's a good fucking, uh.

Starting point is 00:50:56 Let me feel it, let me feel it. It's a good fucking shirt, I'm telling you, Harlan. Where'd you steal that from? Holy shit. No, I got this from Diddy's. It was only $7. You know, I'm on a budget, baby. Diddy's?

Starting point is 00:51:04 Wow, dude. It's a nice shirt, man. You got that from Diddy's? It feels like $7. You know, I'm on a budget, baby. Diddy's? Wow, dude. You got that from Diddy's? It feels like it's made out of tampon material. Like rocks. Don't know, right? It feels like tampon. Tampon with wings. Yeah, I wish I had a tampon shirt,

Starting point is 00:51:13 like a real tampon shirt. I wish you did too. That'd be pretty cool. I would really like that. Yeah, yeah. You look like black Charlie Brown. Thank you, my brother. I appreciate that.

Starting point is 00:51:21 Charlie Black. It's a compliment. Yeah, I like that. It's an esteemed Yeah, I like that. It's an esteemed character. You talking about the black dude from Charlie Brown or a black Charlie Brown? No, Charlie Black.

Starting point is 00:51:32 Charlie Black? That's the little dirty nigga from Charlie Brown? You're damn right. Get your ass out of here. I don't look like him now. No, no, I said Charlie Brown, the main character. Hangs out with Snoopy Doggy Dog. Snoopy's smoking weed.

Starting point is 00:51:44 You know he's smoking weed, you know he smoke weed. All day, every day. Every day, baby. What about the little bird that was with, he was getting a secondary high from the... Caw-caw! Holy shit, I didn't know you did voices. Yeah, I do.

Starting point is 00:51:54 What other animals can you do? A chicken. Let's hear it. Caw-caw! Nope. Wow. Nope, not even close. That was the same thing you did for the first one.

Starting point is 00:52:03 How about a fried chicken? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Cuckoo! Good, pretty good. Same thing, man, that's the only voice I know, man. I'm sorry. No, it's good. I didn't mean to let you down. You do any impressions? Yeah, I can. Cuckoo! I'ma do an impression of a black man. Hey, motherfucker!

Starting point is 00:52:34 Wow, that was actually less black than you normally are. You wanna hear a white man? Hello there, motherfuckers! You wanna hear a white man? Yeah. Yep. Hey, my name's Tony Hemscliffe. Ah! Oh my God, how dare you. Very good. How dare you.

Starting point is 00:52:47 Oh, they're gonna clap at that. Pretty accurate. I love you, baby. Pretty accurate. There you go. David, any other fun plans for your trip here in beautiful Las Vegas, Nevada? Man, you know, we doing skank fest,

Starting point is 00:53:00 doing some spots, you know. Hell yeah! I'm gonna do the butt naked roast. Oh, wow, really? Yeah. Man, you know we doing Skank Fest, doing some spots, you know. Hell yeah! I'm gonna do the butt naked roast. Oh wow, really? Yeah, I'm gonna do it. Okay. I'm gonna pump that motherfucker up, put some Viagra in him, stick it straight up, you know.

Starting point is 00:53:16 Shove some Q-tips up your ass. Whoa! That's a thing. I ain't no damn about that, man. You a freak, Tony. No, no, no. It's your people doing it now. No, no, no, it's your people doing it now. No, no, no, no, no, you a freak.

Starting point is 00:53:28 It's your people doing that, all news to us. Oh man, good time. Dude, can I ask you a question about the grill? I love the gold teeth. Oh yeah. Talk to me guy, talk to me. Shit, it's a Florida thing, you feel me? It's a what now?

Starting point is 00:53:42 A Florida thing. Florida. Florida thing. Florida. It's a Florida thing, you feel me? It's a what now? A Florida thing. Florida. Florida, Florida thing. Florida. Oh. It's a Florida thing. You know what they have in Florida, Harlan. Well thank you very much for that.

Starting point is 00:53:50 Yeah, it's a thing for guys from Florida. Like usually. No, no, no. We're doing a voiceover, not giving Cunnilingus. What the hell are you doing? I don't know how to do a, what's your boy's name? Do the puppet up his ass, what is it? You have done him.

Starting point is 00:54:04 It's called the Q-tip, yeah. It's called the Q-tip, yeah. This is called the Q-tip, okay. Dude, I love it though. Did that hurt getting the gold put in the mouth? Nah, they just slap it over there. Does it ever get in the way when you're not eating pussy? Nah, it never get in the way. It's actually better if you put

Starting point is 00:54:19 your mouth right there by the pussy and go, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. That's how I clean them. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Straight up. Wow. Yeah. Amazing. Straight up.

Starting point is 00:54:26 Amazing. Now, what part of Florida are you from? I'm from Orlando. Okay, Disney World. No, Orlando. Okay. Disney World and Kissimmee. It's a big difference, you know, a little bit.

Starting point is 00:54:40 How far is Orlando from Disney World? It's like right on the edge. This is like right there, you know, 10 minutes, five minutes. I used to think Orlando was the capital of Disney World. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Orlando is the capital of violence and drugs and stupid shit like that, you know what I mean? Oh, my goodness. You got to do your homework on Orlando.

Starting point is 00:54:58 Ain't no Disney World shit over there. That's why they moved to Kazemi. I love Florida, man. It's like you look at Florida on the map of America, it's the cutest little state, just like America's nut bag hanging down. Yep. Just tea bagging Cuba all day long.

Starting point is 00:55:12 Tea bagging Puerto Ricans and Cubans, you better believe it, you know what I mean? Oh, yeah, you ever tea bag someone? Yep. I have. I definitely have. What was his name? What was? Wow. Red Band. Red Band. Forcing in a gay joke on David Jolley. I have, I definitely have. What was his name? What?

Starting point is 00:55:25 Wow, Red Band, Red Band forcing in a gay joke on David Jolly. That was a good one, Brian. One of the straightest men in the show's history. You better believe it, look at this. You think gay people do that? No, they don't. I've never done that my entire life.

Starting point is 00:55:42 Dude, that was him tea bagging right there. Do it again. My nuts getting bigger because I'm getting older and sometimes I sit on my nuts and it's getting bad. Wait, I got, okay. You ever sit on your nuts, Harden? Yeah, but they hatched. Can you do an impression of a fried chicken, tea bagging, red band?

Starting point is 00:56:04 Go, go! All right, well that's it. David Jolly, thank youging, red band. Go go! Perfect, got it. Well that's it. David Jolly, thank you, we love you. There he goes, David Jolly. Yeah, everybody! Time for bucket poll number three. Keeping it moving along, make some noise for Tommy P.

Starting point is 00:56:18 Ooh, I do believe he's in house. Eee. Section F-O-R-R-R-C-3-0-8. Tommy P, where the fuck is Tommy P? They're finally sent out Tommy P, for those of you keeping track. They finally sent out Tommy P. Here he is, Tommy P.

Starting point is 00:56:40 Hey guys, I'm Tommy, and I hate to say this, but I'm a big I hate fucking kids. Nah, I don't hate fucking kids, I just fucking hate kids. I would describe myself as a dink. Double income, no kids. That's cool. Hold your booze until the end of the set. Ladies and gentlemen, give him a shot. He gets 60 seconds.

Starting point is 00:57:18 We're restarting the clock. That's double income, no kids. So I just had a vasectomy. Anybody got a vasectomy? So I go to the doctor, tells me to snip and snip, and charged me 200 bucks right after that to masturbate and count my sperm. Uh, speaking of kids, uh, I really don't want to have kids. I just had a complication in my family. My brother-in-law just had some trouble at the hospital.

Starting point is 00:57:58 That's okay. That's okay. Tommy P. Wow. Tommy, Tommy. I gotta tell you, Tony, this guy's whole vibe, the way you're dressed, I'm kinda glad you hate kids, you know what I mean? Tommy, is this your first time trying stand-up comedy? Oh yeah, absolutely. Okay, alright. Okay, all right. How old are you?

Starting point is 00:58:26 I am 34. And what made you want to start here today? I mean, I love comedy, I've always watched comedy. I wrote a little set, went way worse than I thought it would go, but I figured I'd come up here and give it a try. Okay, what's some other things that... Good for you for trying, it's not easy. It's not easy. I mean, they were just booing two seconds ago,

Starting point is 00:58:46 but it's okay. Especially in a Fred Flintstone shirt, it's not easy. You look like Fred's janitor. But you had some confidence, and then it just kind of, you let, you didn't let the boos get to you, but... Oh, yeah, that I got,

Starting point is 00:59:02 but, uh, the jokes weren't there. Definitely not. Tommy, let's figure out what you can talk about. Not the most likable thing to come out and go, I hate kids, I hate kids, speaking to kids, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Let's figure out more about your real life.

Starting point is 00:59:16 What ethnicity are you? You look suspiciously like everything. I am Dominican. Whoa. 100%. Oh my, wow, 100% Dominican. Absolutely amazing. What's the most Dominican thing about you? I love salami and platanos. Wow, salami and platos.

Starting point is 00:59:32 You know what that is? Salami? I know, what salami is. Dominican salami. Oh, what's the difference between Dominican salami and regular salami? It's not like dry, it's like a, kind of like a pot in me.

Starting point is 00:59:42 I'm not gonna explain the whole thing. According to one very Dominican man in the audience, it's a bigger dicks is the difference. There's a Dominican man that insists that they have huge dicks, which is definitely not a stereotype of Dominican people, by the way, sir. And Dominicans in the audience are bombing

Starting point is 01:00:02 due to Tommy P. It is contagious bombing. There is nuclear fallout happening. This is incredible. Tommy, what do you do for work? I manage a cannabis cultivation. Oh, interesting. So true to your roots, you're gardening.

Starting point is 01:00:19 Absolutely. Amazing. Dude, he works at the gravel pit. Come on, it's Fred Flinstock. Works at the gravel pit. Yeah, but not again. Mr. Deacon, right? What do you do for fun?

Starting point is 01:00:33 I smoke weed. I like to come to shows. I enjoy the entertainment in town. The t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t- What do you do when you get high? What's your favorite thing to do? Like when you get high, what do you do? Sit around and get more high. Yep. Play video games or watch TV or do anything. Murder kids. No, I just like to get more high. Violently high.

Starting point is 01:00:55 Violently high, okay. What's your love life like? You seem like the kind of guy that can only get hard if it's a transgender with fat tits. That is true, but I'm here with my wife or girlfriend. Oh, wife or girlfriend? Whichever you want to call it, yeah. Wilma, where are you?

Starting point is 01:01:13 Well, wait a second. Is it your wife? She's my girlfriend, yeah. But why'd you call her your wife for a second? I consider her as my wife, my life partner. Do you think she considers you a husband after that set? Yeah. Really? She thinks I'm funny.

Starting point is 01:01:29 How long have you been with her? Six years. Oh my goodness. What does she do? She works for UNLV Health out here. She's a social worker. That's cool. Oh, the Fremont Street clan gets a big pop. UNLV Health social workers. Fremont Street clan gets a big pop. UNLV health social workers. Fremont Street people are like, thank you for the free healthcare, Paul.

Starting point is 01:01:50 Definite pop from the poor people section. Hey, how's the upper deck doing tonight? How about the upper, upper third deck? Wow, they don't sound healthy up there. They don't sound healthy at all. Tommy, a really rough set, a rough interview. You're in the middle of it right now. Give us a redeeming quality about you that'll make this crowd love you.

Starting point is 01:02:15 Let's see, I'm a veteran, Marine Corps. Oh wow, okay, there you go. All right. Take that, you fucking Nazis. That guy. Hell yeah. What did you do? I was a soldier. Marine Corps. Oh wow, okay, there you go. Alright. Take that you fucking Nazis. That guy. Hell yeah, what did you do in the Marines? He was a sniper for kids.

Starting point is 01:02:34 I told you I fucking hate kids. No, I did data networking communications. Oh wow. I worked for a tank battalion. Oh a tank battalion, threw that in the end to make yourself look cool. Well yeah, I didn't want to seem gay as fuck. I did a data networking for a tank battalion.

Starting point is 01:02:50 Cool shit, dude. You ever shot a gun? Once. For the range, yeah, they let me. Was it a water gun or was it a real gun? It was water. Yeah, okay. You only shot it once? No, I've shot it good.

Starting point is 01:03:05 I'm good at my own sharpshooter. You are a sharpshooter. Wow. I told you. Well, keep it pointed away from you. I know it's going to be hard when this episode comes out, but. Tommy, we're going to keep it moving along. You indeed do get a little joke book.

Starting point is 01:03:13 Appreciate you guys. Great job. I'll take the point. I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point.

Starting point is 01:03:21 I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point. I'm going to take the point. Tommy, we're gonna keep it moving along. You indeed do get a little joke book. Great job. I'll take the blame for that one. That was a little off.

Starting point is 01:03:31 All right, there he goes, Tommy P. First job. Keep going, baby. We're about to go into full recovery here, ladies and gentlemen. I guarantee it, because I present to you one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the entire show's history. Ladies and gentlemen, from Toronto, Canada, here on a mission to destroy,

Starting point is 01:03:48 this is the return of Jared Nathan! Oh, big pop from the crowd, they are on their feet. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Make some noise for Jared Nathan. Yeah! Yeah! Viva Las Vegas!

Starting point is 01:04:18 Yeah! They lost my luggage. The only choice is, want this or store it in Explorer. And I don't look good a booty shorts! I've been here for 24 hours! I've been... I've been... I've been...

Starting point is 01:05:00 married! And divorce! She was m-m-m-m-m-mized again so I couldn't get a green card. I got kissed out of the casino. I didn't understand the meaning of taking the meaning of taking a chip dump at the crap table. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much. Yeah, there you go, Jared, Nathan. Fuck yeah. You ain't nothing but a Downs dog. You ain't nothing but a hound.

Starting point is 01:06:10 You got nothing on me. What? I don't know. Okay. Dude. You got nothing on me, Tony. Okay. Dude, thank God you weren't born a cow.

Starting point is 01:06:24 Give me a move, my bro. I'm on the move, motherfucker! Okay. Oh, my goodness. You do look exactly like Elvis Presley in the last minutes of his life. That sweet, sweet bloat. Look at you.

Starting point is 01:06:43 You found one of the buffets here, huh? I ate too many peanut butter banana sandwiches. I do love the peanut butter banana sandwiches. I bet you do. That is a favorite. Chocolate and grilled cheese. Absolutely. What about some baby back ribs?

Starting point is 01:07:06 We'll be baby back after these messages. I don't wanna fucking tell you. He just wants you to say it. Baby back ribs. No pressure. We won't be right b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-b-back! Wow. Nailed it. Can I get some hand sanitizer? Jared, honey, are you loving Las Vegas?

Starting point is 01:07:36 I'm loving it! Lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, lovey, love Evil on bacon! Fuck yeah. That's right. That's right. What does a guy like you do for fun here? Go to the roulette tables and bet on green or something? Is that an option now? It is, but just assholes do it. But he's not an asshole, but it's like a... It's kind of a joke about how he's a... Looks like he goes to the buffet and bets on bacon, for fuck's sake. I play slot machines!

Starting point is 01:08:12 Oh, yeah? What's your favorite? I like the shiny lights, you know? The shiny lights, okay. I don't know, I... I want some lights, okay. I don't know, I want some money too. What the fuck? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:30 I want some motherfucking money too. Yeah. You get it, you'll get it. That slot, that wasn't a, that was an ATM. That wasn't a slot machine, dude. That was a McDonald's order fast box. Do you ever get people walking up to you on this trip and go, Holy fuck, look, it's Down syndrome Wolverine.

Starting point is 01:08:56 What up, bu-bu-bu-bu-bu-bob? You're stuttering and throwing my neck out. Do you do any impressions? I've never asked you this before. I feel like you have something up your sleeve. I have old-school wrestling impressions. Oh, okay, like what? Let's see them. Gator impression, old-school Vader.

Starting point is 01:09:23 Old-school Vader, wow. This is for the.5% of our listeners fan base. You guys are about to lose your minds. You 28 people. It's fuck. It's time. It's Vader time. Okay.

Starting point is 01:09:44 We're good. Very good. Hell yeah. Look at you. I love it. I had never known that, I didn't know that Elvis wore Velcro shoes. I thought that he was more of a blue suede shoes kind of guy. Or a kidney belt.

Starting point is 01:10:03 Or a cum rag around his neck. I keep it special, you know? I'm special get a kidney belt. Wearing a cum rag around his neck. I'm gonna keep it special, you know? I'm special needs Elvis. Absolutely. Absolutely. I also want to tell people I'm on a cameo.

Starting point is 01:10:18 Uh huh. Yep. I think you just did. Alright. Do you do kids' birthday parties? I'd hire you. I'll do it. Yeah. Let's talk. Let's ask Robin. Well, I don't have more than a couple minutes

Starting point is 01:10:36 and it might take a couple days to get through it. Jared, I do want to tell you... I'll whisper. You'll whisper? Well, that's... Okay, well, I'm rescinding the offer because that's creepy. Jared, I? Well that's, okay, well then I'm rescinding the offer, because that's creepy. Jared, I do like that you came out with topical jokes about Vegas. Give it up for that. He came out prepared with some material about where he was.

Starting point is 01:10:54 Tony, I just want to thank you for everything. Because of you, I can draw a crowd to my shows. Thank you. I have a show every month in Toronto for people with disabilities, by people with disabilities. Wow. It's called, uh, uh, off without limits. Wow. There's no limits to laughter.

Starting point is 01:11:30 I love it, that's absolutely true. Well, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times before, Jared? You are one of the special gems of this show. You are fucking fantastic. We love you. You look better than after. Good job, builders.

Starting point is 01:11:46 Thank you, thank you very much! Bucket Pool 4 is coming up now. How about one more time for Jared and Nathan? This is a big deal for a little boy from Canada. God damn. And how about a hand for the ring card girls? This is the great Valerie Vaughn alternating with our, of course, the lovely Heidi.

Starting point is 01:12:09 All right, your next bucket full, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Keaton McAdams. Keaton McAdams, here we go. They only gave me like 60 seconds up here, but don't worry, because 60 seconds is a long time. I feel like I've said that before, but 60 seconds is a long time. Anybody else here ejaculate prematurely? Ladies you can laugh. I buzz quick, but I don't have any shame about it.

Starting point is 01:12:48 Because after another 60 seconds, I'm ready for round two. I'm not here to brag. That's not what this is. But one time, I had sex three times in the span of 45 minutes. I just wish someone else was there to see it. So I actually made you guys a video. Red band, can we hit the big screen? All right, that's my time. Thank you guys. There you go. Keaton McAdams. We had no idea where you were going with that whole 60 seconds is a long time thing.

Starting point is 01:13:29 And then there you were talking about premature ejaculation. Absolutely stunning work. It hits close to home. Indeed. Welcome. How long you been doing standup? Just over two years. How old are you?

Starting point is 01:13:42 24. What do you do for work? I buy cars on the internet. Where do you live? I live out here, born and raised. And you buy cars off the internet and then obviously resell them? The company I work for like auctions them off.

Starting point is 01:13:59 I signed an NDA so I shouldn't be talking about it in front of 5,000 people. No, no, it's okay, dude. How many Tonkas do you have? Yeah. Little giggler over there, huh? I'm having fun. Hell, yeah.

Starting point is 01:14:12 This is sick show, Tony. Good job. Wow, thank you. Good job. Thank you. He's saying it like he's gonna get kicked off any second now. Good job, Tony. Can I stay? You look like Kyle Rittenhouse

Starting point is 01:14:23 if he sold fireworks to milfs. Good job, Tony. Can I stay? You look like Kyle Rittenhouse if he sold fireworks to Mills. That's a compliment. If Kyle Rittenhouse ran for president, I would vote for him. Hell yeah. All right, you got, oh shit. Dude, come on up. You keep moving backwards.

Starting point is 01:14:40 You wanna fucking leave or what? Let's go. No sir. This guy keeps inching backwards like he knows something we don't. My bad. So what's about to happen, Kyle? Let's go Rittenhouse, huh?

Starting point is 01:14:53 Orville Rittenhouser. Not in my Rittenhouse. Keaton, you're 24, what does a 24 year old in Las Vegas do for fun? I just got into wake surfing. Oh wow, where do you do that at? Out at Lake Mead. Okay.

Starting point is 01:15:10 Yep. How many bodies have you hit? Probably a lot. It's bumpy out there, Harland. It's bumpy out there, so you hit some fatties? Yeah, no fatties on my boat. What's that now? It's a great t-shirt. No fatties on my boat. no fatties on my boat. What's that now? It's a great t-shirt.

Starting point is 01:15:27 No fatties on my boat. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut.

Starting point is 01:15:35 Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut.

Starting point is 01:15:42 Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. What is your love life like? You talked about masturbating for 55 seconds. I got dumped a few months ago, so I've been doing a lot of masturbating recently. The girl that dumped you, how long were you in a relationship with her? I was just hooking up with her for a few weeks,

Starting point is 01:15:53 and it fucked me up. Why did it fuck you up? She was really hot. Why do you think she liked you? She saw me do standup, believe it or not, Tony. Okay, and then what happened? She came up to you and said what? Suck! She asked me for a cigarette,

Starting point is 01:16:10 and I went to the We're at a Bar downtown, and there was a liquor store next door. I don't smoke cigarettes, but I did go and buy a pack, and I came back in like five minutes later, offered her a cigarette, hit it off. What kind of cigarettes? Camel toe? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Favorite comic, a bunch of shit happens. Wow, she is a real lady, see that? This is absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 01:16:48 I know, I was like, have you heard of Tony Hinchcliffe? One Shot was on Netflix. Yeah. Where is it now? It was a license deal when I was seven years into my comedy career, but nice try, idiot. I love this thing. Someone started this rumor that my special got taken out. It was a licensing deal

Starting point is 01:17:05 Do you know what that means? Yeah, no, I means they pay you vast sums of money to put your thing up there I enjoyed your special. No, I know a lot of people did yes 2016 seven years into my career. It's inconceivable How many people want to see them fight right now? Tony's a mafia, so I would not fuck with him. Yeah, I wouldn't either. No, I'm not. I'm not. I'm a comedian, Keaton. You look like Eminem, but you melted on the dashboard.

Starting point is 01:17:35 Keaton McAdams, 24 years old. So tell us more about your life. Did you say Rachel McAdams? No, I didn't. Yes sir. More about your life Keaton. I live with my mother. Uh-huh. Local winner. Okay. Okay, very good. Thank you guys. There he goes, Keaton McAdams. Here we go, Keaton. Don't forget that. Oh, geez, Keaton.

Starting point is 01:18:12 Oh, boy, there he goes. Can't jog fast enough. Here we go, golden ticket winner coming at you. A long time golden ticket holder. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return of Tauke, the first ever Here we go, golden ticket winner coming at ya. A long time golden ticket holder. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the long awaited return

Starting point is 01:18:29 of Todd Royce everybody. Big boy. Big boy. Big boy. Big boy. Big boy. Big boy. Big boy.

Starting point is 01:18:38 Big boy. Todd Royce. I have a dog. I have a dog. I have a dog, not a dog, a Shih Tzu Poodle. I don't think, that's not a dog. Shih Tzu Poodles to me are like K-pop bands. Like they're adorable, but if I hit one with my car, I'm not gonna lose any sleep over it.

Starting point is 01:19:00 I, they all have these cute little names. People call them Sh them shootles I call this one a shit poo especially because she's gotten old and she's lost complete control of her bowels. Shit poo is actually what we call grandma near the end. It's a joke we never called grandma near the end. She didn't have any money, why waste our time? I want to get a pit bull. I love pit bulls. A lot of people think pit bulls are a violent dog.

Starting point is 01:19:31 I think that's bullshit, it's all in the training. I could train my dog to be an attack dog. It'd be perfect, because no one's going to admit to being attacked by a shootle. But still, if you look online at adopting a pit bull, there's all this stuff about how to defend yourself if one attacks you. And they say the best way to defend yourself

Starting point is 01:19:50 if a pit bull attacks you is to take your thumb and shove it up the dog's ass. They say that's the best way to defend yourself if a pit bull, I say that's the best way to defend yourself if anybody attacks you. Try that the next time you're getting mugged. It works on pit bulls and Puerto Ricans. Thank you guys.

Starting point is 01:20:12 Fuck yeah, Todd Royce rocks solid minute. He's done it again, ladies and gentlemen. Rocking some skulls on that shirt. Woo, what's up, Tony? Whoa. Wow. My pants almost fell down. Wow, did we just move backwards in time when you did that? That's incredible.

Starting point is 01:20:32 The fucking stage almost fell down, I'll tell you that. It's so strong. I felt gravity change. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Jurassic Park, holy fuck. A groundbreaking performance here. Dude, you said you wanted to get a dog. You might want to get an ultrasound

Starting point is 01:20:49 because I'm pretty sure you got fucking puppies in there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my goodness, those tits are shaking. Holy shit. Wow. Check out Mother Jugs and Speed over here. Come on everybody, let's go Vegas. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:07 That's all you have to do. I've never seen anyone motorboat a whole city. Yeah, this is incredible. You know you're in Vegas when you see the sphere, everybody. Here it is. Oh, it's got skulls on it right now. How cool is that? The sphere has skulls on it.

Starting point is 01:21:22 They almost look real. It is unbelievable, Todd, the way that you are shaped. You're so funny. You're so cool. Dude, your areola's gotta be huge. When you wake up in the morning, are there bullfrogs sitting on them? There's... Every time I look down, I want a pizza. Every time I look anywhere, I want a pizza, actually.

Starting point is 01:21:44 Yeah. You look like Jared from Subway's cocaine-dealing brother. That's a compliment. Thank you. Yeah, well. The flaps underneath your tits, a lot of people don't know this. Oh, wow.

Starting point is 01:21:57 A lot of people don't know this, but that's where I hid my 2016 Netflix special is underneath one of his tits. Thank you, good call back there. Who wants to watch it right now? Pull it up. It's called One Slop. Pull it up.

Starting point is 01:22:11 Todd, remind us, how do you make a living again? I do stand up comedy. That's right. And I have a podcast, the Sweet Potato Pod, but we can talk about that later after everyone subscribes. Oh my goodness gracious. What are you talking about? You are married, correct? I am married, yeah. I got a wife. Oh my goodness gracious. What are you talking about? You are married, correct?

Starting point is 01:22:25 I am married, yeah. I got a wife. She's a woman. I don't know why I felt the need. And what does she do for a living when she's not rubbing defibrillators together? Uh. That would not be a Mexican sound effect at all,

Starting point is 01:22:44 professional red Band. I think she manages his tits is what she does. Yeah. Dude, remember how the other guy kept moving back? Could you move the fuck back that way? Stand on the red spots there. It's like a fucking Swiss avalanche coming at me. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:23:01 He moves way more than he should for a guy that big. It is incredible. He's gotta keep- How about I just start doing jumping jacks next to Harlan? Holy fuck, how about jumping cheese jacks? Yeah, Colby jacks. Incredible, but remind us, what does your wife do for work

Starting point is 01:23:20 when she's not cutting coupons to save on the budget for feeding your massive, you know what's incredible about you is that your belly, everything's big, but then it gets like bigger down there. There is just something cooking in that, in that fucking upper pouch. I've always said the only person I've ever sent a dick pic to is myself just to check in on it

Starting point is 01:23:44 every once in a while Yeah, buddy Does it look like a dick or just a giant zit? You tell me I don't You tell me I'll send me the pic. I'll let you know You drop it to the whole fucking room right now I Mean I have my phone. Okay I mean, I have my phone. Okay. But remind me, what does your wife do for work

Starting point is 01:24:06 when she's not buying new straws for Shamrock Shakes? For those of you that don't know, and I've never exposed this fun fact, but I'm pretty sure since Todd's very first performance, six or seven years ago, I've been doing this thing. Someone should make a compilation at some point, but I've been doing this thing where I make fun of your fat and.

Starting point is 01:24:34 I didn't, really Red Band. See it's one thing when Tony does it. When I look over at Red Band and he's like, yeah that's fat fuck. That's a little offensive. It is, he's like your mini-me. You guys are like two different wacky planets. I have a picture of Redban up on the treadmill.

Starting point is 01:24:57 Yes, I'm a fat person goal. Yeah, by the way, I don't use the treadmill. Did you say treadmill or oatmeal? What are you guys talking about? Red bands never been on a treadmill before Todd Todd? What is your favorite food if you're lying a bit? We all have that favorite snack when you're lying in bed, right? Maybe you're a little stony. Maybe you're just a little tired. Maybe you're horny and you go I want to dip something into something. I want to deep throw it a bag of planters peanuts covered in cool whip I want to suck down some something into something. I wanna deep throw the bag of planters peanuts covered in Cool Whip. I wanna suck down some Dunkaroos

Starting point is 01:25:27 covered in fucking raspberry tartar sauce. I wanna fucking shove my dick in a bucket of fudge. What's your vice? All of you. Can I take a guess? Sure, yeah. I picture you dipping loaves of bread in root beer. Oh god.

Starting point is 01:25:44 Like a fucking retired camp counselor. It's... I think that's how you make a root beer float, right? That's what... I really like ice cream with fruity pebbles and ranch. Oh, my God. Shut the fuck up. It's a joke. I'm kidding.

Starting point is 01:26:00 I don't eat fruity pebbles. Laughter Have you ever tripped down a boat ramp and nobody noticed? I've fallen so many times. Just back here. Yeah, I think I saw you on season 3 of America's Funniest Owned Videos. He's the only guy that yells, I've fallen and nobody else can get up. I was in New York City and I tripped and they... Dude, you are New York City.

Starting point is 01:26:28 Ha ha ha. He... Okay, Red Man, I swear to God. Todd, Todd, you were in New York and what happened? I tripped and I fell and they celebrated the New Year. Oh, you son of a bitch. Because the ball and I'm... Yep. All right, you guys. Not quite. Because the ball, and I'm... Yep.

Starting point is 01:26:45 All right, you guys, we'll tell you later. Not really a skyscraper, but you do scrape everything off your plate. Well, I wanna be a good boy. Have you ever had... Dude, do I have a gravy stain on my shirt or something? Can you back the fuck away? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:27:04 Like, it just keeps getting closer and I feel like I'm gonna get eaten any second. And if you're gonna eat me, let's fucking play this game. How about that? Yeah. I don't think he's tossed a salad in his light. Whoa, fucking around. All right, no. Well look, you got skulls on your shirt,

Starting point is 01:27:19 he's got skulls on his shirt. I think they wanna fucking scissor each other or something. Yeah. Difference is Todd is all skulls, no bones. Yeah. You're fat. So, Todd, have you been... Nothing Tony loves more than a good bone.

Starting point is 01:27:37 Whoa, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. Oh my God. Why David Lucas? The gayest thing I've ever done is I accidentally once mistook Todd as a Tempur-Pedic mattress, and I slept on top of him. I snuggled up in the fetal position in his belly button

Starting point is 01:27:57 and slept like a baby kangaroo. This is the only guy in town who drives a Prius, but he calls it a BMW, because all anyone ever sees it as is a Burger King McDonald McDonald's, and Wendy's. What? Coconut? Coconut?

Starting point is 01:28:10 Coconut? Coconut? Coconut? Coconut pie. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie! Shh! Where? Yeah, where?

Starting point is 01:28:19 This fucking guy. Oh. Todd, you are truly one of my favorites of all time. Always rolling with the punches, no pun intended. Always, absolutely, you know, just, I mean, always just shaking the room wherever you go. Absolutely, wow, I cannot believe that those shoes and the stage and those legs and those knees

Starting point is 01:28:48 and the hips can handle what you put it through. When you jump, do you give yourself a wedgie? A little bit, yeah, I'm gonna go pull this out here in a second. You know, I never thought of this. I never thought of this. Your name is Todd Royce. Have you ever thought about going by Rolls Royce

Starting point is 01:29:02 because you have so many rolls? Do you know that you look like if Jelly Roll and Jeffrey Dahmer had a baby? There we go, that was it. That's tonight's new Doritos joke of the night. Jeffrey Dahmer and Jelly Roll, which means that he doesn't just eat, he eats humans, he eats all animals. By the way, I love the jiggly tit thing you did. That was impressive. Thank you, thank you. which means that he doesn't just eat, he eats humans, he eats all animals.

Starting point is 01:29:27 By the way, I loved the jiggly tit thing you did. That was impressive. Thank you, thank you. I don't wanna skip over that. Oh, okay, yeah, no, I appreciate that. It takes a lot. This is just push-ups every morning. Good for you. That's a lie. I don't do push-ups. No, we know. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:29:39 Would you believe it? No exercise at all. You're fine, you're fine. You're moving around, but you're funny, so take care of yourself. Thank you. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen, the legend Todd Royce. We are flying along. We're flying through it. Hey y'all, this podcast is sponsored by PDS Debt. Guys, the holidays can be hard on your wallet. Between traveling and gifts, it's a lot.

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Starting point is 01:31:06 seconds that's pdsdebt.com slash Tony pdsdebt.com slash Tony ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your next bucket pull Aidan Kosoi Aidan Kosoi, bucket pull number five, here. You guys still having fun? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 01:31:30 Yeah! Okay, so I'm not a big fan of Beyonce, but she has a really good song. It goes like, who runs the world, Jews? Who runs the world, Jews? Okay, so I try to run my life like a coming-of-age story, but the coming really hasn't happened yet. So yeah, I'm still a virgin, obviously, and I used

Starting point is 01:31:58 lines like, hey you want to see my Hebrew national with a side of matzah balls? Maybe we'll make the soup later, you know? Or something like Jewish, hey, you want to see my space laser? It's got big white beams. And oh, and I got one more thing. You guys know terrorism is trendy now? Yeah, like, people are getting tramp stamps that say, I love Hamas and Osama is Adi? Okay, I'm done. There it is. Aiden Kosoi. Aiden, welcome to the show.

Starting point is 01:32:43 How do you feel after that, Aiden? Um, this was my first time. I did prepare 60 seconds. Uh-huh. Okay. The booing got to me, but the laughs at the beginning felt really good. I like that. Good answer. Absolutely. For a first time, not bad. What made you want to start here?

Starting point is 01:33:00 This is kind of a tough showroom, 7,000 people watching. I know. It was big. But I didn't let the nervousness get to me. Okay, very good, incredible. You are the absolute opposite of Todd Royce. You're all bones, no skull whatsoever. I think that came out of Todd Royce. Yeah, it fell out of his pant leg. Your entrance was powerful.

Starting point is 01:33:22 Your walk up to the mic, you looked like you were about to shoot up a bed, bath bath and beyond. Yeah. He was the first ostrich ever on. Yeah, here we go. Ostrich. Oh, no, don't do it, Dr. Phil. Easy, easy. So, Aidan, how old are you?

Starting point is 01:33:42 I'm 19. Wow, 19 years old. That's incredible. Absolutely amazing. And your first time doing stand-up, what else do you do with your life at 19? Um, I play video games. Uh-huh, what else?

Starting point is 01:33:57 Um, I like nature, I like reading. What exactly do you do in nature? What do you do? You catch lightning bugs or something? What are you talking about? I go hiking. Okay, what do you like to do when do in nature? What do you do? You catch lightning bugs or something? What are you talking about? I go hiking. Okay, what do you like to do when you're hiking? Take pictures.

Starting point is 01:34:11 Wow, incredible. What do you identify as? A Jew. Oh, you are a Jew? Yeah, that's why I made a Jew joke. Oh, okay. I make Jew jokes all the time, and I know that my,

Starting point is 01:34:22 other than my agent and manager, I have no real connection with them whatsoever. Okay, what? No? So what do you do that makes you a Jewish? How do you celebrate being a Jew? Do you take off Saturdays? Yeah, I was actually very religious

Starting point is 01:34:40 when I was in college in New York, but I came back home because I faced anti-Semitism. Anti-Semitism, is that a black woman? Anti-Semitism and uncle-Semitism would mean to me. Where's that motherfucker, holla bread? Hey, my anti-Semitism told me I need to move the fuck out of her house. Anti-Semitism. I've never really heard it called that before.

Starting point is 01:35:09 I normally hear anti-Semitism. What do you think? Yeah, you can also call it Jew hatred. Yeah, what type of... I hear this, but it's kind of funny, because if you make fun of an Italian, there's no word for that. If you make fun of everybody else, it's racist. You guys have your own word. How does that make you feel? What does that mean?

Starting point is 01:35:32 What does that tell you if your people have a special word for racism? What do you think that means? If you take yourself out of the picture, what do you think about your people having a special word for just you? Because everybody hates us That is the correct answer

Starting point is 01:35:52 You are correct very good weirdest game show ever Jesus fucking Christ Mario Lopez hosting this Very fun things I can do when it's not streaming live. So what did they do to you? What exact type of anti-Semitism did you face? I got spit on, I got death threats. Where was this at? College.

Starting point is 01:36:20 In? New York. New York City? Yeah. Outside, Long Island. Long Island. And I know a Jewish stronghold, right? There's a lot of, well again, again, only you people call it a stronghold when you're populated there. Why do you think you would do that? Why do you think the blood that runs through your veins would make you call it a stronghold? As if though you own that land that is American land clearly. Yeah I mean I love

Starting point is 01:36:47 America so but also we're not very strong as you can see. Right okay so you're basically in Long Island which for those of you that don't know is basically a big Jewish temple and you face anti-semitism what exactly did they say or do to you there go ahead basically I mean like they said shit like go back to you know Poland all the normal shit but you've never been to Poland no I'm from you my ancestry is Ukrainian oh wow way to get the crowd on your side there's some uneducated idiots that are rooting for you now Not realizing that that country's stealing our money

Starting point is 01:37:30 Yeah, they are yeah Almost seems like we should stop donating to needless wars am I correct? There was a candidate for that coming up in November. It's a no brainer. Do the right thing. Tell your friends. Anyway, Aidan, who are you voting for this November? By the look of your bones in your arms, I'm guessing you're going blue.

Starting point is 01:38:03 Am I correct? I am voting for God because he's the only one who can save us. Wow. Now hold on a second. This might be the first time a Holocaust survivor is voting for God. Now it is ironic that you're Jewish but you look like you were in the camps, but I do want to say this real quick. Hold on a second. Eight nights at Hanukkah. That's pretty, how do you, did you get something cool each night? I'm always curious because Christmas is one, Kwanza, you know, I haven't, I don't know,

Starting point is 01:38:38 but Hanukkah, Hanukkah you get eight nights. How does that work? I mean, no, we're Jews. We get the skimpy, you know, not a presence. Wait a second, wait a second. Why would you call your people skimpy? That is just anti-Semitism if I've ever seen it before. I love self-deprecation.

Starting point is 01:38:59 Oh, okay. Gotta play into the tropes, you know. What's the greatest gift you've ever gotten on, what's it called again? Ju Kwanzaa, what is it? I know it's Hanukkah, Yoni. Yoni fucking in my earpiece. I have my own fucking Jew in my ear.

Starting point is 01:39:15 Chewbacca. It's called Hanukkah, boss. He's never fucking given me an answer to anything before. Literally the juiciest thing you could do. We've been doing this for years and he's like, it's a Hanukkah. I fucking know. I was doing that, Juquanza was a joke, Yoni.

Starting point is 01:39:35 God. You fucking people, I gotta say. But what is the greatest? You say that they're skimpy. I know, you know, I'm like white trash, Italian hybrid. We get spoiled. Even, I was poor and I still got a little spoiled on Christmas because that's what fucking white trash does. They spend their money, especially Italians. They don't save it for a second. What was the greatest gift you've ever gotten?

Starting point is 01:40:08 I don't know, man. I mean, I guess a laptop. It's not that cool. Oh, okay. You're right. It's definitely not that cool. How much do you weigh? You are adorable. You're like the smaller cost.

Starting point is 01:40:20 You're like, aw, Schwitz. Aw, Schwitz. Aw, Schwitz. Um, like 117? Wow, 117. Absolutely incredible. I'd say 112. Perfect size for Todd to eat in one bite. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:40:37 Let go of that microphone. Let me see if it collapses. Are people yelling for the scale right now? Yeah! Did we bring the scale, Yoni? You don't have the scale? Oh, it's a damn shame. Wait, I can bench press 120, so let me see if I can. Oh my goodness, here we go. All right, Dr. Phil. Oh, he doesn't know what a bench press is. That's adorable. Whoa, whoa. The pinch press is adorable. Whoa, whoa.

Starting point is 01:41:05 Oh my goodness, he's curling him. Oh my god. Wow, the fear is. Yep, he's hard. How do you feel being curled by Dr. Phil? It was a fun moment. I'll never forget it. That is true, You won't.

Starting point is 01:41:25 Never forget. Yeah, exactly. You're responsible. How long have you been doing stand-up, Guy? This is my first time. Is it something you want to pursue? Yeah, I did improv in high school, so I kind of wanted to try stand-up. All right, let me give you a little advice, okay?

Starting point is 01:41:39 Because I'm seeing a lot of this from a lot of young guys coming out here, even the older guys. Try and get away from the masturbation and the jerk-off jokes Okay, because I'm seeing a lot of this from a lot of young guys coming out here even the older guys Try and get away from the masturbation and the jerk-off jokes, and it's too easy All right, if you really want to do this you got a laptop sit down and be clever write something original Go watch a guy like Steven Wright or even Hans Kim these guys put a lot of effort They're writing jokes, they're being clever. We see too many guys and girls come out here and just go down to that jerking off, masturbation stuff.

Starting point is 01:42:14 It doesn't work, nobody wants it. So to you and every other young comic, use your mind, be smart, be clever, and let's bring the game up a little, all right? And you can start the process with one of these Amazing little joke books there he goes Aiden Kosoi everybody It is time for him to go back to Poland him I write All right, we're having fun here ladies and gentlemen gentlemen, another special treat. Neither a regular nor a golden ticket winner,

Starting point is 01:42:47 but David Lucas called in sick today. He is under the weather, couldn't make it. So I had to call up someone from the bullpen, an alternate player that you know. This is a brand new minute from love him or hate him, the one and only Uncle Lazer, everybody. Here he is. Here he comes, live in the flesh, the real deal.

Starting point is 01:43:14 Soaking it in, pro wrestling energies. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:43:25 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:43:31 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:43:38 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. I volunteered to coach a little league baseball team

Starting point is 01:43:45 down there in Austin this summer. And by volunteered, I mean it was court ordered. But there's a plethora of single mothers at them baseball games. Any single mothers in here? Yeah, I can smell you bitch. Like Thanksgiving leftovers, you goddamn right I can. And listen, I love me a good single mother now,

Starting point is 01:44:07 I really do, more kids are better, all right? I need that pussy wallered out, all right? If that pussy don't look like a mud flap on the back of an 18-wheeler just blowing around in the breeze, I just don't want no part of it. Cause I'ma be honest with y'all, tight pussy makes me claustrophobic, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:44:27 What I wanna do, have sex with a 21 year old tight pussy, come in 30 seconds, apologize for half an hour, and then listen to her talk about true blood? Not a chance. Well. Bucket and Uncle Layser, look at that. Wrong solid minute, oh shit. Fuck it and Uncle Lazer. Look at that.

Starting point is 01:44:45 Wrong solid minute. Oh shit. The haters are going to have to fucking rest their fingers after a set like that. Look at this guy. I told you. You did tell me. I fucking told you. With that said, you also told me all the other sets I've ever done in the history of the

Starting point is 01:45:01 show. A fun fact about Uncle Lazer, and I think this is good that I'm about to expose this, is that he talks a lot of shit. I'm getting a lot better, Tony. You gotta give me another shot. And I tell him, you're not a golden ticket winner. You're not a regular. But he is a fucking fun guy to hang out with here and there,

Starting point is 01:45:17 even though it seems like I like hanging out with people that do a lot of crazy drugs. But- You drug test me right now. I'm sober as a judge. And it is true, but before a lot of sets, you get nervous in those last minutes and he tends to drink a lot and he tends to smoke some weed to calm himself down

Starting point is 01:45:36 and then he has to fucking take a half an Adderall to pick himself back up and then a quarter of his Annex because the Adderall is zipping and then he has to fucking do a little Robitussin and then a Cialis. Like he literally does this thing where he's like, fuck, I fucked up and I'm fucking all up. Tony, to be fair,

Starting point is 01:45:52 is that California weed you be bringing down there in Austin, every time I smoke that shit, it feels like I got Down syndrome. It is true. I've taken a lot of heat lately and I've been having to warn people that fucking want to smoke and hang. It's like become an actual problem recently.

Starting point is 01:46:08 I don't know what the fuck's going on, but it used to be you just smoke weed, and everybody's okay. I don't know what's happening, but it is true. My weed is ridiculously strong. It's strong. It is.

Starting point is 01:46:20 It is. It's like Jared Nathan. Um. I just want you to know, bro, when you walked out here and you threw your glasses into the crowd, you hit a blind lady right in the eyes. Well, at least she has them glasses to cover that fucking goofy shit up with, you hear me?

Starting point is 01:46:34 Wow, look at that. Coconut. Quick on the seat tonight. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut pie. Coconut. Coconut. Coconut.

Starting point is 01:46:43 Coconut pie. You guys eat that after y'all three fuck each other or what, you'll see now. Laser. Oh my god. Coconut, coconut, coconut pie. Oh the crowd goes wild. Hello.

Starting point is 01:47:00 Coming from a guy who says his own name when he comes. Listen Hillary Clinton, I'm gonna need you to take that fucking pantsuit off, dude. What? Whoa, Lazer's having a moment. Look at the strut, look at the confidence. Come on, come on, give me a potato. Harlan's going for a fist bump.

Starting point is 01:47:19 My man, I love old Harlan right here. Oh my God, my God. Lazer's having a breakout performance right now. We're never gonna hear the end of it. You saw what I did in Vegas. I need another shot. I wanna give his mullet a Brazilian to fuck the back of his head.

Starting point is 01:47:33 Maybe it's him or maybe it's Maybelline. You know what I'm fucking talking about all of a sudden. Oh wow. Wow. That feels like Jennifer Garner on a Thursday night. Hell yeah. Hey, Tony, I was in LA this past week. I had to take some acting classes. You know, y'all know who Donald Cowboy Cerrone is right? I said, he's a good home in mind and he's like, hey man, I got this western that we're gonna do

Starting point is 01:47:58 on Netflix. I wrote you in a character. I wrote this just for you. No one else can play this. I need a southern gritty nasty motherfucker. You're gonna be a Confederate officer. It's gone rogue. And I'm like, well, shit, man. He's like, it's a big deal. I said, well, let me get acting classes. He goes, good.

Starting point is 01:48:14 He goes, because your first scene is a rape scene. Wow. Yeah. And I said, man, I don't know if they offer that at the acting classes. You know what I'm saying? Something tells me you could improvise. Yeah, well.

Starting point is 01:48:29 Nothing like a Confederate officer with a tattoo of Mr. T on his arm. By the way, that acting class, do they teach funny? I'm kidding, that's my son. That's my son. Wait, Laser, you do have, as Hollywood says, a look, right? That is prime to book something special. If you could have a dream job, acting job, like your show, who would you play? What would the show be called?

Starting point is 01:48:57 You... Well... Take your time, sound it out. Like I could play any character that would ever rush? Any character, like a cowboy or a rapist or a rapist cowboy. Or like a bank teller that is also a killer on the side, some Dexter shit. Maybe you're a house mom with a fucking pussy, I don't know. That one's degenerate.

Starting point is 01:49:23 Jesus fucking Christ. Hey dude, give my dad his shirt back dude. You went to Chili's already, give that shirt back. Hey, hey, honestly, Mr. Dr. Phil. For real. I mean, you could play four of the lead roles of Orange is the New Black for sure. That's how you do it, let's be real.

Starting point is 01:49:37 Nah, I would be Clifford the Big Red Dog. Oh. Yeah, I got you motherfucker, how about that? Yeah. All right, okay, we'll call you back. Uncle Lazer, an absolutely amazing performance. You got laughter throughout. Big pop from the live audience

Starting point is 01:49:55 and all the way throughout your set. Gotta be one of your best sets ever. One thing. Oh, here we go. We got some music. So, awesome, real shit. Today is my actual birthday turn 34 day I'm gonna get real sappy and gay real quick, but it'd be funny just wait

Starting point is 01:50:14 Oh boy, so on my birthday is just kind of bittersweet My granddaddy died on my birthday when I was 14 and he's best man. I remember my life He was a real cowboy, not the shit you see on the country music radio, TV shit. He used to break horses and drive cattle. He used to fight chickens, you know what I'm saying? I don't know what came first, the chicken or the egg, but that motherfucker been fighting it

Starting point is 01:50:36 since the dawn of time, you know what I'm saying? And when he was dying, my mama and all her sisters wanted him to go to the hospital, and he said, now, I built this house on my bare hands, I'll die in this house, y'all come see me one on one, say goodbye, it's bare me in the backyard away to Good Lord and 10. He told me two things and this has changed my life

Starting point is 01:50:53 throughout my entire life, this is kinda what I live by. And I wanna share with y'all, he said, when you walk into a room, you gotta know that the room got better, not in a cocky sense, but in a sense that somebody gets to meet you and you get to meet them and for a moment in time, you get to change not only their life, their day, their year, whatever it may be. It don't cost no amount of money just to be kind to somebody,

Starting point is 01:51:12 to meet everybody with a hug, a handshake, or a smile. My goodness. I think it's time for you to start doing drugs again, dude. Now that same granddaddy also told me that playing harmonica translates well to eating pussy, so I'm gonna show you, all right? On a harmonica, there are 10 frets, one to 10. It just so happens the distance between one to 10 is the same distance between the woman's vagina and her butthole.

Starting point is 01:51:38 Now listen here, I don't make the rules. I just measure twice and cut once, you hear me? This is what a pussy sound like. P.H. a little off, but you know what I'm saying. This here is what a butt hole sound like. That old rusty hook, never found a clitoris, search continues, but if I do, that motherfucker gonna sound like this. ["Uncle Laser"] My name's Uncle Laser, thank y'all so much.

Starting point is 01:52:16 Uncle Laser from the oil fields of Texas to a giant sold out massive theater in Las Vegas, Nevada. It's time for Bucket Pool number six, ladies and gentlemen. Where's our lovely Bucket Pool girl? Wait a second. Wait a second. Wait, is that the great Pauly Shore, ladies and gentlemen?

Starting point is 01:52:47 Oh my goodness. Pauly? Oh my goodness. Pauly? I'm not a poly short, we're in Las Vegas, I'm a poly short, am I right? I'm not Pauly Shore, we're in Las Vegas. I'm a Pauly Shore lookalike. It is true. I found you on Fremont Street. I have some good news to announce. The Pauly Shore lookalike is starring in the new Richard Simmons biopic.

Starting point is 01:53:45 And I beat out the real Pauly Shore. Pauly, I gotta say, you have a massive fucking cock and balls. That is incredible what is going, that thing has been stretched out since your MTV VJ days. Look at that. That's what happens when you fucking 40 years of banging nines and tens. Scar tissue.

Starting point is 01:54:11 Buddy. You got a fucking. Cocks got jury duty. Yeah. I think I found your son-in-law. It's the herpes dome. Oh my God, okay, Red Band. Dude, look at those underpants.

Starting point is 01:54:31 It's like the cast of Cocoon is in there. Holy crap. Oh, he's pulling it out. Oh! Wow, wow, wow. Ha ha ha. Is that your adult diaper? Yo, we'd wanted Carrot Top to come on stage with me,

Starting point is 01:54:49 but he said he's still fucking busy for us, bro. Boo. Well, I see your Carrot Top's sticking out. Yeah. Put the Encino Man back in the cave, all right? I noticed that fucking ring card went way down when you pulled those paper towels out of your pants. Dude, where did you get the blueberry underpants?

Starting point is 01:55:21 You dress like an umpire at an over 70 softball league. Yeah, you look like you're about to read to kids in Portland, Oregon right now. We love you, Paulie. Heidi and Valerie, they just needed a break. They're at the Spearmint Rhino for about 30 minutes. Wow. And they wanted me to sit in for them and just bring out card number six. They just needed a break. They're at the Spearmint Rhino for about 30 minutes. Wow.

Starting point is 01:55:45 And they wanted me to sit in for them and just bring out card number six. We got another comedian coming up, so they're just trying to make a little extra cash while they're here in town. Yeah. Very sweet of you. Speaking of Heidi, you've been hiding behind that card since you pulled those paper towels out of your pants.

Starting point is 01:56:01 Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before.

Starting point is 01:56:13 Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before.

Starting point is 01:56:21 Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it before. Fuck, I've never seen a skid mark with seeds in it earlier. Oh, Polly. Polly, what's up with your body? I've been eating a lot of buffets, bro. Looks like one of the shrimp fell into your underpants. And not a jumbo shrimp either.

Starting point is 01:56:52 I wasn't planning on, Polly is the ring card girl is being one of the funniest parts of the show. And I'm fucking dying up here. Oh my God. You guys, I'm gonna criss back to the back. Have a great time in the rest of the show. Make some fucking noise for the legend, Paulie Short. The man, the legend, oh my God.

Starting point is 01:57:14 How many people think Paulie should be a permanent ring girl? Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Edgar Sandoval, ladies and gentlemen. We're keeping it moving along. Edgar Sandoval. Make and gentlemen. We're keeping him moving along. Edgar Sandoval. Make some noise for Edgar, everybody. Here he comes. We're gonna meet him all together.

Starting point is 01:57:31 It's a long episode. One more time for Edgar Sandoval, everyone. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Excited to be here, but I gotta get this off my chest. My brother owns a restaurant. It's called the Asian Palate.

Starting point is 01:57:45 And three times in one year, they're victims of sort of racist vandalism. Last time it happened, somebody covered the bathroom wall in big letters, F-U-C-K Asians, which was very upsetting for our family because clearly this is premeditated. Clearly someone went there with hate and intent because you can't go to a place called the Asian Palate

Starting point is 01:58:04 and be surprised by Asian people and Asian food. It's called the Asian Palate. It's not a surprise. It's in the name. It's like when I go to the Cracker Barrel and surprised by chicken fried steak and white people. It's in the name. All right. I cannot believe how wild the crowd went for that Cracker Barrel joke after a 43 second long setup, but they wanted it so badly that you gave them

Starting point is 01:58:53 something, Edgar. They liked it. They did Edgar. How are you buddy? I'm good. How long you been doing stand-up? Eight years. Wow, where at? Peoria, Illinois, the Jukebox Comedy Club. Absolutely. Okay, Peoria, Illinois, the Jukebox Comedy Club. Absolutely, okay, Peoria, Illinois. And Mason City Limits, too. Okay, all right, dropping some names. Eight years in, what do you do for a living? I work for Caterpillar, the earth moving equipment.

Starting point is 01:59:17 Oh wow, okay, I would not have expected you working with heavy machinery. He looks like a little caterpillar. You're cute. Too comedy, you must. Yeah, you were funny. You're like Gilbert Gottfried Rice. Nice.

Starting point is 01:59:36 All right, that sounded funnier in my head. What ethnicity are you? I know you're some type of Asian. I'm Filipino. Oh, yeah. It's my favorite. I'm Filipino. Oh yeah. Yeah. It's my favorite. Dr. Filipino. Dr. Filipino, yeah.

Starting point is 01:59:50 Okay, yeah, maybe we do a Beach Cop show or something. We could do that. What's your favorite, what's your, what do you like to do? I love that. Great question, Dr. Phil. Great stuff. Like after the show tonight, you'll go home and do what?

Starting point is 02:00:07 Probably watch more comedy. You'd be a comedy guy. Yeah, absolutely. You ever fart so hard a fortune comes out of your ass? Good question, Harlan. You ever fart so hard motherfuckers try to find you? Not yet. Okay.

Starting point is 02:00:23 Edgar Sandoval, what do you exactly do as hobbies? You seem like the kind of guy that has an amazing chopstick collection or something. Yeah, I coach soccer. Okay, little kids. I've been coaching high school soccer for the past 22 years. High school girls? High school, yes. Girls?

Starting point is 02:00:40 Yes. Right. I knew that. Is it weird coaching the kids when they're four inches taller than you? It's rough, because, you know, when you coach them when they're little and then they get to high school, and, yeah, I'm always like this. Must go out and score goals, you must. And that is the pep talk they get.

Starting point is 02:00:59 But if they talk shit, you can hit them and stuff, right? No. No. Okay. Just asking for a friend. No. Nothing creepy with asking for a friend. No. Nothing creepy with these high school girls. 22 years doing it. I'm getting some Sandusky vibes from you.

Starting point is 02:01:11 Oh, gosh, I hope not. Oh my goodness gracious. What did you say about caterpillars? Enough about what was in Pauly's underwear a second ago. Pauly's underwear. I ago. Pauly's underwear. I've never seen underwear made out of blueberry yogurt. Yeah. There was a lot of extra space in there.

Starting point is 02:01:31 The tight band with very loose parts. Yeah, and it smelled. It smelled like a senior center. What kind of underwear do you wear? Yeah, what color are yours? Great question. He's looking curiously. Blue.

Starting point is 02:01:47 Blue. Oh, that's correct. Maybe you and Pauly can hang out later and make a blueberry turnover. I hope not. I hope so. I'm sure you do, Carlin. Must stroll around in Walmart's sleeping bag, you must.

Starting point is 02:02:04 Edgar. I wish I could do that. Try it buddy. This is show business. Just try it, give it a try. I do, uh. Everybody does. Try it. And say everything backwards. I only do Homer Simpson.

Starting point is 02:02:17 No, try Yoda. Yoda, come on. Try Yoda, try Yoda. Make this joke, I must. There you go. Very good. We're gonna keep it moving along Edgar, I must. There you go, very good. We're gonna keep it moving along, Edgar Sandiball.

Starting point is 02:02:27 There you go. Catches like a soccer coach. Thanks, Joe. Good for his joke, too. By the way, you know why Yoda never got married? Why? Because he says everything backwards, and every time he gets up to the aisle,

Starting point is 02:02:42 they go, do you take this woman to be your wife? And he goes, mm, do I? Oh, homie. Okey-dokey. Wow, Red Band, absolutely forcing a March Simpson impression there. Absolutely, I mean, literally, like a person having multiple strokes throughout the episode. Your, your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen,

Starting point is 02:03:07 how many of you are real fans of the show, huh? Hey, this podcast is sponsored by Cal-She. Do you think you know who will win the presidential election? Or how many seats the Democrats or Republicans will win in the House or Senate? Well, there's finally a legal way to bet on the outcome of these elections via a platform called Cal-She. Everybody wanted it, now you got it.

Starting point is 02:03:31 Cal-She is the first legal exchange where you can trade or bet on any event, including, but not limited to, elections. That's right, you can trade on that. Cal-She went to court and won legal approval for election betting for the first time in over 100 years. Red band. Wow, Tony, you know, I love Cal-She. to court and won legal approval for election betting for the first time in over 100 years, Redband. Wow, Tony, you know I love Cauchi. Just hearing about it. I've been using the platform and I'm loving it. They have markets on who will win the presidential election, who will control

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Starting point is 02:04:17 I know. It's more of my type of thing, but take an example. Right now, Trump and Kamala are trading about 50-50. Meaning if you place a bet on either, you will double your money if they end up winning. That's pretty good. That is. So put your money where your mouth is and give Cal-She a try. Sign up using our link calshe.com slash Tony.

Starting point is 02:04:34 And the first 500 traders who deposit $100 will get a $20 credit. That's calshe k-a-l-s-h-i dot com slash Tony to get a $20 credit. We're proud to have Calchi as a sponsor and we hope you check them out. Well, I stalked the back part of this lineup with some of your favorite superstars. Let the chaos absolutely begin as I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show.

Starting point is 02:05:01 This is a big fucking stage and this guy knows how to use it. Ladies and gentlemen, here in Las Vegas, Nevada, I present the one and only Casey Rocket. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man.

Starting point is 02:05:30 I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man.

Starting point is 02:05:38 I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man.

Starting point is 02:06:02 I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. I'm gonna be a man. We didn't throw the baby out with the bath water. We just did a little less pills. Oh man. Hell yeah. My pronouns are bi-onical. Nobody gets me. So tragic.

Starting point is 02:06:21 Couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Sorry if I seem a little off tonight. Somebody slipped me some ketamine. I woke up in Baghdad, so. All of what? Akbar. So cool to think about around the holidays. It's actually funny you bring that up. I, uh...

Starting point is 02:06:38 What does ketamine feel like? Good question. Ketamine... Ketamine kind of feels like, have you ever woken up in the middle of the night because your dog is barking at the closet? So it's like that, but you're the dog. And you're also hiding in the closet.

Starting point is 02:07:01 Sort of a duality of man situation. Interesting to think about. Thank you, I'm KC Rocket, so far thank you! KC Rocket has arrived with what appears to be a new trademark office chair. We've never seen anything like this before. Tony, I was so terrified when he was rolling across there he almost hit Polly Shore's adult diaper.

Starting point is 02:07:25 Oh my goodness. Are you asking me a question? I'm too tired to riff. You must be exhausted. You have a very special crab man bottle of Robitussin wrapped around your neck. We've never really seen anything like it before. This old thing? Yeah.

Starting point is 02:07:49 This is the Tuss chain. Where do you get one of those? Nick Saban made it for me. Wow. Shout out. Hall of Fame college football head coach Nick Saban. Now on college game day. ESPN college game day. He made it.

Starting point is 02:08:07 Yeah. It's pretty sweet. I've been, well I was inducted into the mind freaks, Chris Angel's mind freaks. Yeah. So I've been training with them for six months, levitating. Yeah what's that initiation like? Levitating. Yeah, what's that initiation like? Freaky. It's a lot of him like handed me a box of raisins and it'll be all melted and he'll go, I did that. And I'll go...

Starting point is 02:08:34 I'll go, alright. Cool magic trick, Chris. Hell yeah. He'll go, you feel that? And I'll go, feel what? And he'll go, you got a blood clot. Wow. That is amazing. Pays the bills. You feel that? And I'll go, feel what? And he'll go, you got a blood clot. Wow. That is amazing. Pays the bills, it's good cash. Pays the bills.

Starting point is 02:08:52 Can you do a little levitating for us, perhaps? Maybe if everybody gets on there, claps their fucking hands. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:09:02 It's like some Peter Pan Tinkerbell shit. Using the energy from the audience. You gotta keep clapping, I think, people. Whoa, his eyes are doing something crazy. Wow. Oh my god. Whoa. Oh. Oh my God. The tus is shaking.

Starting point is 02:09:31 That's awesome. Wow. Absolutely incredible. We'll put it in in post. We'll put it through an editing. Put it through an AI thing for the viewers at home. It's gonna look amazing. I'll be like Tony Collette in Hereditary. He'll be floating at the six people viewers at home. It's gonna look amazing.

Starting point is 02:09:45 I'll be like Tony Collette in Hereditary. He'll be floating at the six people, who cares? It's okay. Felt good. Casey, what does a guy like you do in Las Vegas, Nevada? Woo! Play it fast and loose. I'm gonna, Jolly was talking about paying for P word.

Starting point is 02:10:04 Uh, paying for P word. Paying for, I'd like to pay to make love. Oh my goodness. That's sweet. Even if it's double or triple, I don't care. What's your number? Like how much will you pay? What's the ceiling? No ceiling, old money. I'd pay anything. Sky's the limit. There is no ceiling money. I'd pay anything. I'd... Sky's the limit.

Starting point is 02:10:25 There is no ceiling for a man that levitates like you. Something like that. Ooh. You stay up late enough in Vegas, Casey, you'd be surprised what you can get a gal to do with her mouth for an Arby's beef and cheddar. Why is hers... A friend told me that. ...from Dr. Phil, no doubt about it. He's been around the block.

Starting point is 02:10:44 Well, I've been around for a bit. So hot. A billionaire. You're a billionaire, Dr. Phil, no doubt about it. He's been around the block. Well, I've been around for a bit. So hot. A billionaire, you're a billionaire, Dr. Phil. Sure, I can afford Arby's. You're goddamn right. Yeah, I'd like her to dress up like my college girlfriend and apologize for my alcoholism would be cool. She'd be like, I'm sorry, you pissed your pants or whatever.

Starting point is 02:11:02 And I'd be like, water under the bridge. You ever fuck in a waterbed Casey if you think so yeah if you think that I Do have you done that yeah, dr. Phil have you? Well that thought Tony will be right back No, yeah, of course I lost my virginity in a water bed and I still make love to my wife in a water bed. It's just fun. It feels like you're in the ocean. Oh God, yeah.

Starting point is 02:11:32 I love thinking about the ocean, especially around the holidays. Which holiday? Ju-Kwanzaa, like Tony said? Whichever one's closest. I would love... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm thinking about it right now. I don't know if you can tell.

Starting point is 02:11:52 Okay. Take your time. But I'm thinking about making love on the waterbed and Shorty's really getting it. Yeah. Yeah. Tuss dangling over her head. She's hypnotized by the crab, no doubt about it. You like that thing?

Starting point is 02:12:07 Yep. Cool, are you wearing the Tuss in necklace when you're fucking? Oh yeah, it's hitting her. Yeah, she gotta wear a goldie mask. Yeah, it's fucking rocking her nose. Oh, there it is. You love the ocean, huh?

Starting point is 02:12:19 Trick or treat. You love the ocean, little buddy? Trick or treat, oh yeah. You love it? Here, let me do something for you. Oh, the wind is blowing. There's a lot of wind. Oh my goodness.

Starting point is 02:12:38 He's levitating. Does that turn you on? Yeah. Oh yeah, horny, horny. What's the farthest you've ever rolled into your chair? What's the longest distance ever? Couple clicks. Couple clicks.

Starting point is 02:12:53 Couple clits? Clicks. Oh, I thought you said clits. That's what I thought. I'm like, where'd you get the gynecology chair? No, a couple clicks, like two clicks east. I've taken it a couple times. Okay what'd you find when you stopped? Stuff I'm not comfortable talking about around

Starting point is 02:13:13 the holidays but. Was it an all-new office depot? Yeah. I'm home. Yeah so cool to think about. How much driftwood did you find on the beach today? A dozen. A dozen. A dozen quartz. A couple of quarts, a couple of clicks. Call it a day. You kind of look like the guy with the metal detector walking around being like, I found a treasure.

Starting point is 02:13:36 Oh, there he is. He's levitating again. Full of blood clots. Look at that. Now it looks like you found Helen Keller. What the hell was that? Oh my goodness, he's levitating. Or Keller Helen.

Starting point is 02:13:47 Oh my God. He looks like an opioid fucking waitress at Red Lobster. Holy shit. If you're lucky. Casey, you're an absolute superstar. We love you so much. Thank you guys. Thank you, so fun.

Starting point is 02:14:03 Thank you. All right. Thank you. All right. Bucket pool number seven. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Anthony Schumann II. Now, I'm gonna pull for a woman on this next bucket pool because we haven't had a female yet tonight. But for now, this is Anthony Schumann II. Make some noise for Anthony, everybody.

Starting point is 02:14:25 How's it going, Las Vegas? Just had that fourth kid. Yeah, that post vasectomy baby. Yeah, the miracle baby, as my wife calls it. That kid doesn't look anything like me. I'm pretty sure he's Mexican, guys. So I named him after my best friend, Diego. Seemed fitting. No, we adopted that one, you assholes.

Starting point is 02:14:59 Yeah, he's a rescue. Favorite thing I've learned as a dad, Yeah, he's a rescue. Laughter Favorite thing I've learned as a dad, Favorite thing I've learned, you guys can take it home and do it tonight. You can hit any kid you want. Laughter Doesn't have to be yours. Laughter All you gotta do, yell bees first.

Starting point is 02:15:20 Laughter Bee! Bee! Killer bees! Laughter I'm Anthony Schumann everybody, thank you guys so much. yell bees first. Bee! Bee! Killer bees! I'm Anthony Schuman everybody. Thank you guys so much. Anthony Schuman, welcome to the show. Thank you so much for having me. Absolutely, there will be jokes. Look at you.

Starting point is 02:15:36 Uh, how long have you been on stand up? Five years now. I love it. All here in Vegas? No, I'm from Tacoma, Washington myself. Nice. Big pop for Tacoma, Washington. Very interesting. Is that how they fight bees in Tacoma? Fucking jujitsu.

Starting point is 02:15:52 You know how it goes, Dr. Phil. Let's go, baby. You're a one-two punch. Kick those kids in the fucking face is what I say, Dr. Phil. That's not what I was talking about, but okay. She's still talking about bees. What do you do for a living, Anthony?

Starting point is 02:16:04 I'm a stay-at-home dad. Oh, wow. I used to be in the military for a living, Anthony? I'm a stay at home dad. Oh wow. I used to be in the military, I retired, and now I stay home with my kids. Nice. How many kids do you have? I have four. Whoa, look at you.

Starting point is 02:16:14 Yeah. Damn. Three regulars and a rescue, that's what we do. Okay. My goodness. I got a stay for a stay at home dad. You're not very good at it, I see you. No, abandoning the shit out of him the first chance I got, stay for a stay-at-home dad. You're not very good at it, I see you. No, abandon the shit out of him

Starting point is 02:16:25 the first chance I got, Harlan. How old are your kids? I got 10, 12, and then I got three and two. Look at that. Coconut cream pie, am I right? Love a cream pie. Absolutely. So have you ever been attacked by bees?

Starting point is 02:16:43 Like have you ever been swarmed by actual bees or hornets? You think that bit came out of nowhere, Harlan? Yeah, that's why I'm thinking everything. I am a beekeeper, my friend. You're a beekeeper? Hell yes, Mr. Harlan Williams. I have bees at my house, two hives. Whoa.

Starting point is 02:16:58 Yeah. Drop the bees. Fuck. You just gotta watch out for those killer bees. Yeah, have you ever been swarmed by killer bees? No, no, no. They're Africanized. You will, you will.

Starting point is 02:17:08 Oh no, they are? Shut the fuck up, that's a bee fact, you dicks. Okay, Anthony, all your kids healthy? All healthy, one with cerebral palsy, but he's healthy. Okay, is he funny? I'm looking for another golden ticket winner. I'm getting him there, I'm getting him there, but he's healthy. Okay. Uh, is he funny? I'm looking for another golden ticket winner. I'm getting him there.

Starting point is 02:17:28 I'm getting him there, Tony. Very good. Comedy Cures. You said you're the second, right? I am not the second. Anthony Mooch in the second? I don't know how that got on there. I think I'm just number 11.

Starting point is 02:17:39 Oh, that makes sense. That makes sense. There's no parentheses on it. That makes sense. That makes sense. There's no parentheses on it. That makes sense. There's parentheses around the other numbers. They just put an 11 next to your last name. Look at that. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 02:17:58 There's 232, 45, 106, 183, 114, 48, and then the second. I guess that one's on me. When you're not on stage, do you chew a piece of hay? You do look like a hay chewer. I live on a farm. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Circle gets a square.

Starting point is 02:18:18 What do you farm, my guy? We got bees, we got chickens. We got pigs. We even got some of those slanty-eyed kids to help the landscaping. Wow. Okay, and we'll be right back. What the fuck?

Starting point is 02:18:33 Jesus fucking... Release the bees, release the bees, release the bees, drop the fucking bees. Coconut pie, what the fuck? Anthony, fun set, we're gonna keep it moving. There goes Anthony Schuman, everybody. Good job, bud. Tacoma, Washington, baby. All right.

Starting point is 02:18:46 Ladies and gentlemen, one of the most elite regulars in the history of the show. Perhaps you know the words of his theme song. When you met him, he was living in his van, addicted to open mics. Now he is the superstar that flew in just for this. Make some noise. This is Hans Kim What's up Vegas

Starting point is 02:19:22 It's great to be here at resorts world. I love the giant screen you have on the building. I'm staying in Bert Kreischer's left nipple. Haitians are eating cats now. I didn't realize my ancestors were on the Haitian diet this whole time. Apparently, they're bad at driving too. They're taking everything from us. I feel like an Italian in the sixties. I'm about to be white soon.

Starting point is 02:20:01 The only thing they haven't taken is the little dick thing. They're out here crashing into cars, eating cats with big dick energy. Unlike Haitians, my family eats cats year-round, not just during election season. Thank you guys so much. Hans Kim, very strong. Thank you guys so much! Hans, Kim, very strong. Thank you Tony. You're welcome, Hans.

Starting point is 02:20:31 Very fun set. You've done it again. Dr. Phil, what do you think about this young buck? Boy, Hans, if you're here, who's sleeping on a bench at the mall somewhere? Hans, you're consistently funny. You come out, I've known you for a hot minute now, and you come out, your delivery just gets sharper and sharper. Do you feel locked in right now? Yeah, I'm talking like a normal person. I... I am talking like a normal person.

Starting point is 02:20:57 I'm trying... I always sound so normal. I'm trying not to do that voice. Very good. I'm trying to be white. Yeah, well you're funny. So I want to say something. So I referenced Hans earlier on the show tonight.

Starting point is 02:21:18 About eight or nine years ago I'd never met Hans and you opened for me in Seattle. Do you remember that Hans? Yes. And when we finished the weekend I'd never met Hans, and you opened for me in Seattle. Do you remember that, Hans? Yes. And when we finished the weekend, I went up to Hans, I'd never met him, and the thing I said to him, I said, Hans, you know what I really like about you? You're a really good writer.

Starting point is 02:21:34 I can tell you take the time to think out your jokes, write clever jokes. And so I want to go back to what I said. I want all the other young comics that come on this show and use it as a launching pad to use Hans as an example. Go deeper, go smarter, go clever, leave kind of the ejaculation and jerk off material at home and strive to be smart like Hans and you go a lot further in this industry. So good for you, buddy. Yeah. Yeah, thank you, Harv.

Starting point is 02:22:05 Yes, yes, but to that point, if you're a fat guy and you can jiggle your tits, do that. No doubt about it. Hans, are you enjoying Las Vegas? It's amazing, I find a joint on the ground. Oh my God. I'm gonna smoke it soon? No.

Starting point is 02:22:22 Okay, weird idea. Did you ever find a piece of dog shit on the ground? I mean, we eat that in Asia. Where exactly on the ground did you find this joint that excited you? You're literally rich. Thank you. I found it right here by the Lyft and Uber pickup area. Oh, that was mine. Can I get that back?

Starting point is 02:22:48 Of course, Harlan. And you've literally found something wrapped in a rolling paper, and you're like, oh, today's my lucky day. Oh. Wow. Las Vegas luck. Do not smoke things that you find on the ground, Hans. It's a hard pass. It's so interesting.

Starting point is 02:23:12 No matter how much we've watched him grow and watched his life change, there is like deep inside of you, this just fucking weird, thrifty autistic guy. You found a joint near the Uber lift pickup section of a Las Vegas high traffic fucking casino and hotel, and it excited you. Very much so. It was one of the best things I found here.

Starting point is 02:23:42 Wow. If you could smoke weed with one person in the world, dead or alive, who would it be? I already smoked weed with Joe Rogan and Tony Hinchcliffe. No big deal. Pretty cool. But besides that, probably like Mother Teresa. Oh wow, weird answer.

Starting point is 02:23:59 Very weird answer. Or like fucking some child star like Haley Joel Osment. Yep, that'd be fun. In his prime. See what he sees? He's like, I see a fuckin' Taco Bell two minutes from here. What did Mother Teresa's bong look like? Wrinkled and...

Starting point is 02:24:20 Yikes. I said her bong, dude. It looked very holy. It looked like a bunch of Indian people coughed on it or something. Okie dokie. Feels like a good time to transition. Hans, you are adored and loved all the way around. Thank you guys. Defender of his throne. Make some noise for Hans Kim. Ladies and gentlemen, as the show has gone even longer

Starting point is 02:24:54 than I expected, I announce that this will be your final bucket poll of the night. I only had to pull two names to find our first female comedian of the night. Your final bucket poll goes by the name of Eunice Martinez. Eunice Martinez. God damn, make some noise for Valerie Vaughn. Jesus fucking Christ almighty.

Starting point is 02:25:18 Unbelievable. And one more time for Eunice Martinez. Thank you, thank you. Oh man, speaking of grifty and a lot of cats going missing, I'm what's known as a recovering, milf, mangling, mouth muncher.

Starting point is 02:25:41 Weird way to say that I date guys now. And I've gone to therapy for my grandma issues. I know you're not in therapy. That's why we're here together, all right? And with that in mind, I got to tell you, I'm so impressed with the lineup I've seen and with the people coming and going. Because being in Albuquerque right now, the only thing I see coming and going is the stuff out of my yard.

Starting point is 02:26:16 And a lot of that has to do with it getting warmer outside and there's a great migration happening from our war zone up to the Sandias. A lot of you are mad because of unhomed. But I'm not gonna talk about pussy no more, thank you. Eunice Martinez, hello Eunice, am I saying that correctly? Eunice, okay, how do you feel like that went? I mean, so I mean I got booed by the men that aren't familiar with pussy, I guess. I don't know.

Starting point is 02:26:49 Ooh, I like that. Attack the audience for not laughing. Do they want me to take my shirt off or something? No, no, no. They definitely don't want that. No. I blew it! No. No. I wanted that fat guy to take his shirt off earlier. No. I blew it. No. No. I wanted that fat guy to take his shirt off earlier.

Starting point is 02:27:08 That's what I wanted. Eunice, have you done standup before? I actually have been doing it for like eight years and improving. Oh shit. I'm open to learning. I'm open to learning. Jesus Christ.

Starting point is 02:27:25 Nothing you said made any sense. A recovering MILF, what does that mean? A recovering MILF mangling muncher is a term that I came up with. Basically, I like old ladies. I like gray hair on my pussy is what I am saying when I eat it. You're a lesbian.

Starting point is 02:27:43 I was for a long time, yeah, and then now they're calling it just like pansexual, I guess. But you're a recovering MILF, you have a kid. No, I actually lost it in February, that's why I still have the pouch. You lost what? The kid, it was an overachiever, jumped out before time.

Starting point is 02:28:05 That's how I refer to miscarriages, it's too antiquated. You had a miscarriage in February. Yeah, yeah. I wish it was a beer, but it's not. Wow, that's what happens? I guess we don't talk about it. My goodness, how far along was the pregnancy? Oh, like four months so

Starting point is 02:28:25 like right in the half and then it just went during the halftime. And you were doing stand-up during this? Oh no I was actually a baker I probably should have been doing stand-up. You were baking? Yeah I'm a baker by trade. Obviously you don't specialize in buns in the oven. Mine was faulty. Yikes. Okay, okay. Hey, shh, shh. Very rarely do you get to do a baker miscarriage joke. Yeah, that is tonight's new Doritos joke of the night. Now, I do want to ask a personal question.

Starting point is 02:28:59 So four months in, so did you know it? You know, because I've dealt with a lot of miscarriages on my show, okay? And usually there's a feeling that happens Four months in, so did you know it? You know, because I've dealt with a lot of miscarriages on my show, okay? And usually there's a feeling that happens when it happens, right? A little bit of, you know, a little pre-fart, okay? There's a signal, a sign.

Starting point is 02:29:16 Did you feel it coming, or did it just kinda, you woke up and... I went to the restroom and I was like, that's not supposed to happen, and yeah. Can you describe what it was like? New sound effect, Red Band. Go ahead. Like that, kinda like that.

Starting point is 02:29:29 When it hit the toilet, I was just like, oh shoot. Wait, the baby went in the fucking, for real? We don't talk about women's health. I'm sorry. No, let's talk about it. Yeah, let's go. What do you think caused it? How does this happen? I mean, you're a Mexican woman, right? This is like what? I'm open. What do you think caused it? How does this happen?

Starting point is 02:29:45 I mean, you're a Mexican woman, right? This is like what? I'm a lot of things. I'm mixed. I'm like Cameroonian, Puerto Rican, all this other stuff. That's probably why I got confused. Uh-huh. Well, the body's a tricky instrument, right?

Starting point is 02:29:57 Were you doing anything? You weren't, you know, consuming stuff you shouldn't while pregnant, were you? Nah, nah. Keeping it clean? Yeah. Now, are you gonna run it back? Are you trying to find pregnant, were you? Nah, no. Keeping it clean? Yeah. Now, are you gonna run it back? Are you trying to find, you said you recovered.

Starting point is 02:30:07 Are you trying to find a new way to get a new baby? I mean, I was hoping to have my first Las Vegas lady kiss cause I've never had that, but I don't know. No. All right, all right. There she goes, Eunice Martinez. Thank you. Here's a little joke book.

Starting point is 02:30:24 It's actually the size of your baby back in February. There you go. Oh. Oh, we're so tough. Las Vegas, the home of the Raiders. Oh, we're so tough. Oh, we're groaning. Wow, I can literally tell which women have had a miscarriage

Starting point is 02:30:44 in this room right now, by the looks on the faces. No one has, if you think you'd have better poker faces here in Las Vegas, oh shit, there's a very angry one. It's a fucking Lady Gaga, fucking standing, double middle fingers on that one. Wow. I can literally tell who's had a miscarriage. This is an incredible moment in this show's history.

Starting point is 02:31:05 It's a raw comedy show, people. Anything can happen. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha. Wow, she was fucking terrible. I mean, just nothing, mate. I came up with it myself. Milk, lunch, my turn.

Starting point is 02:31:21 Min-min-min-min. That baby hit the eject button on purpose. That was one of the, we call that early onset suicide. That's what that was. Yeah. That is tonight's new Doritos Joke of the Night. Whoo. All right.

Starting point is 02:31:44 I got good news for you though. Full recovery coming. All right. I got good news for you though. Full recovery coming as I present to you literally one of the biggest superstars in the show's history. This is that moment, Cam gotta talk. Okay, thank you. I know what y'all do, look at her, yeah. I gotta talk now.

Starting point is 02:32:31 Why you not clapping, bitch? Clap, fuck, nigga. Thank you, all right, now I gotta talk. Listen, that last bitch was terrible. She was horrible. She was very bad. But she had a fat ass, right? So at least give her that one, dawg.

Starting point is 02:32:46 Y'all know I talk about cities everywhere I go to. I talk about cities where I go, and I like Vegas. I do like it a lot, but it's fucking terrible. You know that, right? Listen, Vegas is like if you took a piece of shit and put diamonds on it. It's still a piece of shit though, dawg. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 02:33:03 Y'all in the middle of a fucking desert, dawg. It's terrible. I'm gonna tell y'all in the middle of a fucking desert, dog. It's terrible. I'm gonna tell you what I did. I changed my outfit for tonight. I changed my outfit. I usually wear a white t-shirt, but today my shirt says I'm just here to glorify God,

Starting point is 02:33:14 and my hat says, all deaf to all white women. So that's it. Hold up, I got one more thing. I used to be a scammer for a long time before I started doing stand-up comedy, And one time I scammed this one dude and he supposed to give me some money back. All I needed was his first and last name and social security number.

Starting point is 02:33:31 And I put $25 in his bank account and he gave me everything I needed, but he never gave me half the money. And I was really mad for a minute, but then I remembered that I had his first and last name and his fucking social security number. So I called him, I was like, hey, I want to tell you something, brother.

Starting point is 02:33:46 Hope you enjoy the army, cause you're going. Uh, that make me think about that guy so much. Boom. Cam Patterson. What's up, nigga? What's up? What's up?

Starting point is 02:33:57 Shit, man, I've been waiting back in here for a long ass time. What I got, damn. I, oh yeah. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, Harley. My hat fell, don't worry about it. I got you, buddy. Oh yeah. You know what I'm saying? You know what I'm saying, Harle. My hat fell, don't worry about it. I'm surprised she didn't jump out early

Starting point is 02:34:08 like the last lady's baby did. Wait, she had a miscarriage? Yeah. I looked at her ass, boy, that shit was thick as fuck. Well, the good news is, a girl like that, you can come inside of her and then the baby's never gonna come out all the way. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:34:22 That's good. Yeah. The boys is a cautionary, they cost a lot of money, dog. Yeah, she takes care of it, her body takes care of it. That's pretty cool. What the fuck you got to say, Harley? You look kinda crazy, right? What you got to say?

Starting point is 02:34:32 I like your shirt, man. Are you a man of God? Hey, I love God, yeah. Give me a potato, I love that, buddy. I love that, good for you. Yes, sir. I love it, I love it. That's good.

Starting point is 02:34:41 You don't like God, fuck, nigga? Thank you. Yeah, man, don't like God? Fuck, nigga. Thank you. Yeah, man. Don't be a fuck, guy. Yeah, you got it. It's fart. Do it again. I got it.

Starting point is 02:34:52 Go ahead, go ahead. Don't be a fuck. Nigga. Yeah. Now when you call me. You what? You fucking. Nigga.

Starting point is 02:34:59 Oh. Keep going. Yeah. What are you gonna do? Steal my wallet, you? No, no, no, no. No. No.

Starting point is 02:35:06 You almost got me bitch, you almost got me Tony. No. I'm not doing that. What are you gonna do, write a rap song you fucking. No Tony. Stop it. What are you gonna play the keyboard in my band? You.

Starting point is 02:35:26 I created a monster. We created a monster. This is fun. We created a monster. This is not good. This is fun, man. I'm sorry one black guy in the crowd. I apologize, nigga, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 02:35:40 Yeah. Good. How did you see him so quick? He smiled. Oh. Yeah. You know what I'm saying him so quick? He smiled. Oh. You know what I'm saying? We outside. Come here, yo.

Starting point is 02:35:48 I like his eyes. He's good. He's one of the good. No! This is fucked up, man. That's good. Wait, Cam, you said Vegas is a piece of shit, but there's gotta be something you love about it, right?

Starting point is 02:36:03 Uh, no. Oh, the horse. The horse is cool. Okay. Everybody talk about the horse. Yeah, y'all got horse. Oh, yeah, sluts, yeah! Every place got sluts, man. Every place got sluts. I talk about that in my book, yeah.

Starting point is 02:36:13 I read your book. I read it. Thank you so much. I read it on audiobook. It was good. I liked it. Okay, good. Hell, yeah. Fuck yeah. Chapter 15, every place has sluts.

Starting point is 02:36:21 Hell, yeah. Every place got horse, man. I love a good horse. Don't you love a good horse, Dr. Phil? Why not got whores, man. I love a good whore. Don't you love a good whore, Dr. Phil? Why not? Come on, man. Yeah, it's Wednesday somewhere. Talk to me, you know what I mean? Good.

Starting point is 02:36:33 All right. It is Wednesday, isn't it? It is Wednesday. That's fucking crazy. Well, Vegas Wednesday feels like a Nebraska Friday. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Tony, I think this is our first Wednesday kill Tony ever.

Starting point is 02:36:47 Wow. One for the history books, ladies and gentlemen. Now, we did them in Dublin, Ireland, I do believe. Yeah. Wrong as fuck, Red Man. God damn. Yeah, because we did Dublin and then Manchester and then two in London.

Starting point is 02:37:01 You was loud and wrong, too. That's crazy. What? He was just loud and wrong. Yeah. Right? Loud and wrong, in London. You was loud and wrong too. That's crazy. What? He was just loud and wrong. Yeah. Right? Loud and wrong, hell yeah. Yeah, well he can be a real sloppy. No, no, I, I, I.

Starting point is 02:37:11 Oh. Actually, go ahead, go ahead, go ahead. Yeah, he's a real fat. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. What the fuck is he talking about? Oh man. Oh, I love it. Cam, is there anything else fun

Starting point is 02:37:23 you have planned for Las Vegas and Nevada? Nah, I'm probably gonna fuck a window more than fuck it all the hoes y'all is fucking with. You know what I'm saying? But about that, I'm gonna, actually, right after this, I'm finna go put 500 on black and see what happen. Wow. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 02:37:36 Wow. Don't wanna see. Wow. Yeah, yeah. Now, is it racist if I put it on red? And I'm with you? Yes. Okay. Yeah, 100%. Okay. 100%.

Starting point is 02:37:47 Asking for a friend. This is just a suggestion, but try putting 900 on Pauly Shore's blue underpants. Okay, say less. I didn't even watch that part. It was pretty gay, so I ain't watch it. You walked out, I'm like, I'm not doing this today. Yeah. Did you like Pauly's blue underpants? No, I didn't really see it. I seen it from the back, I'm like, I'm not doing this today. Yeah. Did you like Pauly's blue underpants?

Starting point is 02:38:05 Nah, I didn't really see it. I seen it from the back, but I'm not gonna watch that part. You gonna see them later or what do you think? Nah, I don't think so. Why not? I don't want to. What's up with you underpants?

Starting point is 02:38:14 You love underpants for some reason. I just saw- You like underpants a lot. I love them. I thought you like underpants a lot. I thought maybe me and you could go hang out with Pauly's blue underpants. You leave me the fucking alone, man.

Starting point is 02:38:23 Hey, hey, hey. Let's go, me and you can go hang out To being in a black guy band and you're real nigga nigga? There it go. Hell yeah. I bet you. You're my friend too. We're acting. We were this close to seals having sex, man. What the fuck are you talking about right now, man? Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh. Come on, let's go see Pauly's underpants. Come on.

Starting point is 02:39:03 I'm not going nowhere with you, Arlo. You like blueberries? No. You're going to come on. I'm not going nowhere with you, Arlo. You like blueberries? No. You're gonna love his. I'm allergic to blueberries. Ah, ah, ah, ah. Ha, ha, ha. What can I say?

Starting point is 02:39:14 Cam Patterson, you've done it again. You're a superstar. The world loves you. The world loves him. How loud can this place get for Cam Patterson? My goodness. One of the longest episodes in the show's history. Las Vegas, I gotta give you credit. You guys are fucking troopers. It's been a wild ride. A lot of you have been here for about four hours if you were here during audience load-in, and there's only one way to end a show like this.

Starting point is 02:39:50 There's only one possible option. I present to you Hall of Famer record holder for all-time interviews, all-time appearances. Some people call him the Vagrant of Las Vegas, the Reno, the Memphis Strangler, the Vigrant Machine. This is William Montgomery. How's it going, Las Vegas, Nevada? I've've got some huge news. I got a job at the new crypto mining facility they built in Memphis. Excuse me, I'm already suffering from silicon lung. Weirdly enough, Pete Eddie's cellmate is the crypto crook Sande Bankman freed, wait, Bitcoin, more like butt coin.

Starting point is 02:41:10 P. Diddy is refusing to eat in prison because he says he'll get poisoned, and I gotta tell y'all, I think he's right. Since when did Kevin Hart start working in the prison kitchen? Quick housekeeping note, I'm starting a cold. If interested, please see me after the show. Remember the book Curious George and his friend,

Starting point is 02:41:34 the man with the yellow hat? Do y'all know what that guy's real name is? Red Band. He's a total weirdo. He's got a fucking monkey for a friend! Okay, well that's my time! Wow! Ladies and gentlemen... God, my fucking shit was falling off during my set the whole time, Dodie!

Starting point is 02:41:56 My fucking bosoms are showing! They are! This is absolutely incredible. I mean, wow, you look stunning tonight, William. Holy fuck it, it's Tina Turnoff. Ha ha ha. It really is. I'm also getting word from the sponsors that Bitcoin, more like butt coin, is the new Doritos joke of the day.

Starting point is 02:42:28 Yeah, I thought that was gonna go a little better. I thought they were all gonna go a little better, Tony. Doritos is donating. Your nipples are out. You have no areola at all. Wow. Zero areola, look at that. Just the hard part. Well, that's not what your mom said last night

Starting point is 02:42:46 But she was also sucking on my titties last night She must have ate them all off so she can tell they're a light shade of pink dumbass It appears as though red bands mother has sucked the pigment off of Williams. Oh and it felt so good You know what? You know what let You know what? Let's cut to a clip. Okay. You don't have to clip.

Starting point is 02:43:11 William's dressed. Just let it fall, William. Just let it fall. This is the first time we've seen the stunning chest of William Montgomery. Well, I'm dressed this way. I'm literally, I think I'm gonna move to Vegas. I've always wanted to be a Vegas showgirl.

Starting point is 02:43:30 I wanna start letting my freak flag fly a little more. I've really been keeping it kind of in the closet. I kinda wanna bust on out and just start letting my freak flag fly. And Tony, I think that starts with being maybe a showgirl in Vegas, maybe at RuPaul's Drag Review. I'm gonna talk to RuPaul later on tonight. But yeah. What would your name be?

Starting point is 02:43:50 Huh? Pfft. What would your showgirl name be? Miss Delicious. Oh my goodness gracious. Gross. I was thinking Miss Carriage. Oh.

Starting point is 02:44:04 He's like a new Transform transformer, Optimus Pink. Quack, quack, quack, quack. Peeky. Okay, maybe not, fuck off. William, how does it feel walking around in those shoes? It feels wonderful, I'm actually a natural at it. I've been doing it for the past week. I got these on Amazon a week ago,

Starting point is 02:44:21 and I'm a natural at walking around in heels. That's why I think I should do it. Seriously, I mean, look at this, if I from from like the knees up, knees down, knees down Williams hot. Yeah. The legs are nice. Yo, yo, fuck that. I'm talking from the butt crack up from the back. You look like a peacock, you look like a peacock having a midlife crisis. Ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:44:48 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. And I'm here for it. Cool, we'll see, yeah. A black peacock, or as I call it, a master peacock. Yeah, but.

Starting point is 02:45:01 For those of you No Limit Soldiers fans. Yeah, it's fun. You look like Mrs. Doubtfire fell down some stairs is what you look like. Okay, I didn't come here just to get attacked and fucking mean look. I'm dressed like this. I already lost $5,000 on these slot machines earlier.

Starting point is 02:45:18 No, I'm kidding. That was a lie. I lost $500, though, so I'm already in the hole. So, see if I can take myself out of it tonight. And also, I'm looking for a ride. If anybody can give me a take myself out of it tonight. And also I'm looking for a ride, if anybody can give me a ride to White Castle. I have to. Who can give William Montgomery a ride? I gotta get a fucking ride to White Castle tonight.

Starting point is 02:45:33 I have to. Maybe that dumbass who's leaving during my set. Maybe that fucking dumbass. Oh wow. Let him go, let him go. Wow, he threw up the number one sign while walking away. A lot of Raiders fans here tonight. Fairweather football fans.

Starting point is 02:45:49 Yeah, I mean the Raiders are nothing like fucking Fremont Street! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey y'all, no one loves the Fremont Street! Hey!

Starting point is 02:45:59 What do you love about Fremont Street? Oh my gosh, well you can actually get hookers from there and I... Anything goes! You don't ever stop! Oh, the wheels are turning ladies and gentlemen. I said too much, I've already said too much. Indiana Jones! What's your criteria for a hooker?

Starting point is 02:46:20 I need somebody with a Jiny first and foremost. I gotta have somebody with a Jiny down there because it seems like sometimes if you get with somebody and they don't have a Jiny They got that other thing down there. It seems like it can sometimes be a problem. So Jiny first and foremost I need soft hands. I need a butt on her fucking ass. I gotta have a butt on that thing I gotta have a butt on that thing. Um... So, a vagina and a butt. A vagina and a butt are the qualifying things. The soft hands is also in the mix.

Starting point is 02:46:54 So I could get you the bottom half of a mannequin from Banana Republic? Yes, yes. Touche. Thank you so much. You got it. So William, what else is going on? You have a sweet little belly jiggling when you laugh.

Starting point is 02:47:11 Look at your feathers bounce. I know, you can see my belly button in the middle part. That is I think how they made it. They really do. They flock together. Oh shit. Look out jiggly tits Todd. Redbeam, why are you looking at me like this? Your fucking gut looks like that. They really do, they flock together. Oh shit. Look out, jiggly tits, Todd. Redbeam, why are you looking at me like this? Your fucking gut looks like that. William, can you stand on one heel?

Starting point is 02:47:31 Like, can you stand on one? Oh! Like a peacock, wow. That is incredible. Can you click your shoes together? There's no place like Gnome. There's no place like Gnome. Does he look like a gnome? Okay, let's move on.

Starting point is 02:47:47 No, I don't know if I could do that. William, you are absolutely stunning. I've never seen anything quite like this. You look like, you know... The Pillsbury Pride Boy. Oh boy. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:48:03 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. This is, you look like the spokesman for White Men for Kamala. Ha ha ha. Damn right.

Starting point is 02:48:14 Four more years baby. Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! Four more years! I'm here! Oh boy. Heel turn, a heel turn from one of the most beloved

Starting point is 02:48:27 characters in the show's history. William, anything else that we should know about? Are you gonna be doing this more often? Tony, it's so weird, I mean again, I'm a natural talking, walking in these lurch shoes, so I think there's probably a good chance. I, I'm gonna sign that!

Starting point is 02:48:50 William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. Tits out, jokes out, what a masterpiece. William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, the Hall of Famer has done it again. What in the name of heaven? Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. The Hall of Famer has done it again. What? You're not saying that, have I? Make some noise for the best damn band in the land, huh? How about can this place get for Dr. Phil? He's going to be in Las Vegas at the Virgin Hotel Theater

Starting point is 02:49:18 January 11th. Tickets for his entire tour, adamraycomedy.com. And one more time for the great Harlan Williams, ladies and gentlemen, The Harlan Highway. One of the best podcasts out there. I'm gonna be doing it soon. I'm also doing Adam's podcast soon. We're gonna be having a lot of fun.

Starting point is 02:49:41 I fucking love you two guys, two legends of the Kill Tony universe. It was so fun to have you guys here in Las Vegas. Did you guys have fun tonight? Thank you to everyone. Ari Matty, Jack Shaw, David Jolly, Jared Nathan, Todd Royce, Uncle Laser, KC Rocket, Onskim, Cam Patterson, William Montgomery, Redman. Thank you Vegas. The joy that Ryan J Ebel is in. It is absolutely incredible. We love you guys. Thank you Vegas! The journey for Ryan J. Ebel is in. It is absolutely incredible. We love you guys.

Starting point is 02:50:07 Thank you, good night everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 02:50:15 Yeah. That's a good one. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 02:50:22 Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, thank you, thank you! I'm not gonna let get you anywhere! Thank you. you

KILL TONY - #689 - HARLAND WILLIAMS + DR. PHIL (ADAM RAY)

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