KILL TONY - #696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. The uncensored live stream of two nights here from Austin, Texas, December 30th and 31st. You can snuggle up in the cold with your loved ones or all by yourself or with a bottle of tequila or whatever you're into in this crazy world.

Starting point is 00:00:46 Snuggle up, stay warm December 30th and 31st with the completely uncensored Kill Tonys Live from the HEB Center in Austin, Texas. This is a new super annual amazing event. It is our biggest two night event of the year and we're super excited about it. It is on sale now. KillTonyLive.com. Get it for your loved ones. Get it for yourself.

Starting point is 00:01:09 Love it or hate it. Live. December 30th and 31st. I'm gonna go get some food. Hey, this is Redmond, coming to you live from the Cogni Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H. Grant! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Thank you so much for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. One more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody. Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Michael Gonzalez, Cinco de Mayo,

Starting point is 00:02:42 Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is indeed the one and only, the great and powerful, Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh yeah, feels good in here tonight. We're gonna have a lot of fun. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

Starting point is 00:03:05 The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Happy to have you guys here. Just a few, Harry is spelled H-A-R-R-Y by the way. Not Harry H-A-I-R-Y. Good job. You thought he was a Harry Potter?

Starting point is 00:03:38 Like a guy with a lot of hair? We haven't even begun yet. It's unbelievable. Uh, anyway, um... What is that even for? What are you doing over there? I just see you typing in H-A-I-R-Y Potter. Like a Harry?

Starting point is 00:04:00 Like, it's not even Harry. His first name's Harry. Okay. ninjabusses.com you can get an unbelievable bus trip to the HEB Center December 30th and 31st back to downtown Austin, Texas. It's your new favorite holiday tradition. The two night event Kill Tony live from the HEB Center. Get a ninja bus and be safe. You don't have to worry about Ubering or drinking and driving on the big New Year's Eve nights. So be smart ninja buses.com.

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Starting point is 00:05:50 still has last minute deals. Like makeup for the beauty lover, electronics for the tech pro, and home goods for the host who is too busy hosting to shop. Shop last minute deals at Amazon now. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Every single week I am two of the funniest people in the world. You know what I love about this month?

Starting point is 00:06:12 This is new guest month here on Killtony and these are two brand spanking new ones. One is a comedy veteran who just moved to Texas from beautiful New York City. The other is one of the most famous streamers in the world who came to visit the show last week. The whole staff fell in love with them. And we decided to have him here one week later. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for tonight's guests. It's Dave Landau in Sketch.

Starting point is 00:06:39 Oh, boy. Oh, my God. Dave Landau. Sketch. Get over here, Sketch. Sit down, boy. Oh, my God. Dave Landau. Sketch. Get over here, Sketch. Sit down, buddy. Dave Landau. Dave Landau.

Starting point is 00:06:51 Sketch. Oh, my goodness. This episode is sponsored by Zipix. Dave Landau's on tour, davelandau.com. Sketch is one of the most famous streamers in the world. Never done stand-up comedy before in your life. Am I correct? No, sir. First time in front of a live audience.

Starting point is 00:07:11 Look at that. This guy's used to just fucking sitting there, no pants on, whatever's going on in the wild world of streamers. I don't know. I don't ever see any of it, but I guess the kids love it. Hey, it's a little more formal, but I'm ready to... I came here ready to fuck up, so I guess we're...

Starting point is 00:07:31 Nailed it. How about a hand for Sketch's first live audience? You guys are it. That's pretty exciting. Dave Landau, a 20-year stand-up comedy veteran. Quite the opposite, quite the mix here we have. Welcome, Dave. Thanks for having me.

Starting point is 00:07:48 We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. I'm looking forward to it. Very funny, man. I've seen his stand-up. A new resident to Texas. Am I correct? I've been in Dallas for a while. Oh.

Starting point is 00:07:58 I've been coming to Austin, finally, which is its own state, so I like it. Exactly. Isn't that the truth? We're gonna have a wild time tonight. Over 250 human beings signed up for this bucket. Oh, Jesus, I just spilled 12 names on the fucking thing. Anything can happen.

Starting point is 00:08:12 I've been doing a thing where I have an audience member pick the first name. You have a great Kill Tony shirt on, sir. Go right ahead. Guy in a Philadelphia Eagles hoodie over here. What do we got? Let's do it. That looks fine. Not inside.

Starting point is 00:08:25 Go wrangle them. And while they wrangle that comedian from across the street, let me remind you guys that that bucket pool gets 60 seconds. Everyone does. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then,

Starting point is 00:08:37 or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview. We have fun with them. We figure out what else is interesting about them, what else could they joke about, is that how their set always goes, anything can happen, it's always wild,

Starting point is 00:08:52 the whole thing's improvised. You guys ready to start tonight's episode? Let's start it with a very special time, everybody. This young lady was made the most recent Golden Ticket winner just two or three weeks ago and this is her first scheduled brand new minute on the show. We're all very excited. The youthful, the powerful, the brand spanking new first scheduled appearance makes some noise for Golden Ticket winner the KilToni re-debut of Aya, ladies and gentlemen. Aya starting off the show.

Starting point is 00:09:30 -♪ Um, I'm in college. College is cool. I like it because it's a time where you can learn things about yourself. Uh, like, I recently found out that I'm asexual. Okay. I'm asexual, so I'll sleep with any of my professors

Starting point is 00:09:54 for a good grade. Except if they're women. I'm a straight A student. No, yeah, I straight-A student. A lot of girls my age have sugar daddies. I don't know. I couldn't do it. It doesn't seem right. Like, my dad also has diabetes,

Starting point is 00:10:14 but I would never sell his insulin to pay rent. I'm, like, too scared of reaching for one of the needles, and then it pokes me, and now I have diabetes. I can't afford diabetes. $35 for a pair of socks? No, thank you. Now, I'm broke. I'm so broke, the other day I Googled how to make gas at home.

Starting point is 00:10:39 Yeah. Step one is to control Afghanistan, so. Okay, thank you guys. Aya, the newest golden ticket winner with a brand new minute, Aya. Where are you going to college, Aya? Well, I just graduated. I wrote that joke while I was in college,

Starting point is 00:11:04 but I was at UT. I just finished there. Nice. Hell yeah. What did you study there? I studied film. I didn't do a lot of learning, but it's nice to walk around the campus and stuff. They have hammocks and stuff. Hell yeah. Sounds pretty chill. Was that expensive college or do you get like a scholarship? No, I went for free. So the government, thank you government. Absolutely, absolutely. The federal government, was it the state government?

Starting point is 00:11:36 I think it was a little bit of both. So UT gives out like, they're really generous. They're really generous people out there. To people like you. Yeah, they've told me I'm special in a lot of ways. They really have, yeah. Cause I'm a woman, so they want you there and stuff. You ever do anything for extra scholarship money?

Starting point is 00:11:59 Like wear a burka or drag a rainbow flag around or protest or anything? I had to do that stuff in high school. Yeah, I used to do that stuff in high school. I love it. So you weren't Googling gas because you're pro-Palestine? No, I actually don't even use Google that often. Awesome.

Starting point is 00:12:18 It was just a joke. I thought you were going to say I don't use gas. I thought you had an electric car. You have electric car energies. What kind of car do you have? Oh, I know, I have a, like a gas car. Oh, very good. Yeah. It's a Toyota.

Starting point is 00:12:38 Hell yeah. Sketch, what are you thinking over here? I see you. So as asexual, it is, what do you think about me then? Are you actually asexual? You could probably Google that one. I don't know if anyone's been on Twitter. All right.

Starting point is 00:12:58 I actually, I actually like thought I was asexual at one point, but I like had an eating disorder so I was like severely malnourished. So maybe just try eating more. I like them all different types. Aw. So whatever you get, don't dive around. That's sweet actually.

Starting point is 00:13:15 Your uncle can't hurt you anymore. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Starting point is 00:13:23 No. Speaking of all different types, does your dad really have diabetes? Yeah, he does. Type two. So it was his fault. Amazing. Yeah. He deserves it.

Starting point is 00:13:34 What do you think it was that gave him type two? My dad is like obsessed with honey. So he got it from like honey and then like dates. Like the era of like dried fruit, which is so lame. He doesn't like eat cakes or sugar. It's just natural sugars that gave it to him. Wow, honey and dates. It's amazing.

Starting point is 00:13:57 Those are Red Band's healthiest snacks. Amazing. Oh, bother. There you go. That's my business partner everybody. The old Harry Potter. Time to shave your Potter down. For he is Harry.

Starting point is 00:14:19 You'll figure it out. I can't wait. I can't wait. Any second now it's gonna all make sense. Aya, I love it. What else? Anything else before we let you go? Anything else crazy going on in life? Yeah, my dad has, like, this guy living in his backyard.

Starting point is 00:14:35 Whoa. And he's, like, he keeps giving him tasks to do around our backyard. Like, my dad has, like, a white slave, basically. Amazing. And it's... He's, like, on meth or something, my dad has, like, a white slave, basically. Amazing. And it's... He's, like, on meth or something, and he just hangs out,

Starting point is 00:14:49 and he's been building a fence for my parents for, like, three months. Those are called Mexicans. No, no, this guy... Because my dad, like, he doesn't... He doesn't know Spanish, and he doesn't know English very well, so him communicating with someone who doesn't speak English, and he doesn't know English very well, so him communicating with someone

Starting point is 00:15:06 who doesn't speak English, this would be really tough. But, so he likes white labor, so. Wow, so the guy sleeps in your dad's backyard? So I don't really, I don't live with him, but he's always there when I'm there. And sometimes he disappears for a little bit. My dad says every time he pays him, he disappears for three days.

Starting point is 00:15:25 Wow. Wow. Amazing. That's called a drug addict. That is incredible. Well, very interesting stuff. Have you ever talked to this guy in your dad's backyard? No, I gave him cake the other day. He got really happy. Wow.

Starting point is 00:15:46 Yeah. Your dad's just like, God, I wish that was me. Yeah. Yeah, he couldn't have his... Diabetic father. Yeah, diabetes. Does he still use honey?

Starting point is 00:15:57 Does he still...? Yeah, he can't get over it. Like, every single night, even if he's good all day, he'll, like, binge a bunch of dates before he goes to bed. Wow. Like, I've walked, even if he's good all day, he'll like binge a bunch of dates before he goes to bed. Or like, he'll, like, I've walked on him, just spoon. By the way, Red Band posted on Instagram

Starting point is 00:16:13 at 4 a.m. last night, a moldy Wendy's burger that he ate. He both complained about the burger, and also ate, what'd you eat, half of it? What's that moldy, it was burnt. The bread was burnt? Yeah, no, the bread. No, the whole burger was burnt. That's what you were complaining about. Yeah. But you also said something about mold.

Starting point is 00:16:32 What was that? No, because last time I had a problem with Wendy's, it was moldy. Yeah. And you complain online every time you get late night, drunk, fast food, and it's not good. Yeah. You.

Starting point is 00:16:44 Yeah. A wildly successful podcaster, goes online to complain about, do they ever give you what you want after that? Does that ever pay off? Is Wendy's ever like, here's fucking 20 bucks or something, dude? Really? And that's what you do it for?

Starting point is 00:16:58 It's fun, man. It's like coupon clipping. You know? It's like coupon clipping, you know? It's... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Okay. Okay. Aya, way to get this show started. Thank you, guys. Amazing stuff. I love it. We're gonna all watch her grow together.

Starting point is 00:17:30 A star is born here on Killtoni. The Killtoni first ever scheduled set by Aya, everybody. Oh, snap. Heidi has arrived, everybody. Make some noise for Heidi. And we make the big switch to the bucket everybody, as where shit gets wild. Sometimes we're meeting somebody that we've never seen before.

Starting point is 00:17:52 Sometimes it's the return of somebody that's been on years ago, maybe months ago, maybe a couple weeks ago, anything can happen. Your first bucket pull of the night, 60 seconds uninterrupted goes to to Matt Walker, everybody, Matt Walker. Oh shit, it's Matt Walker, oh my God. Make some noise for Matt, everybody. Hey, how's it going, everybody?

Starting point is 00:18:16 So I recently got kicked out of the Hair Club for Men, because I recently shaved my head. But it's okay, because I've been asked to join some other clubs. I think because of my algorithm, I've been asked to join some other clubs. I think because of my algorithm, I've been asked to join pool leagues like the cue balls and stuff like that. But I reached out to Make-A-Wish because it looks like I'm now

Starting point is 00:18:33 suffering for cancer. And I won't be able to make my next minute because I'll be going to Disney World with Joe Rogan. But yeah, things have been changing for me. I used to have a crazy just comb over. So it's been just opening my eyes to new things. I was just on last week, so my episode hasn't came out yet. So I had a joke that was kind of relevant to that, but I was kind of going with it.

Starting point is 00:18:59 It was something that needed to be brought to my attention, you know, that I needed to shave my head. At first, I thought Tony might have been being a little mean and insensitive, but sometimes it takes to take a good, hard look in the mirror that nobody close to you will tell you that, you know, maybe it's time for Puerto Rico to shave their fucking head. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:19:17 That doesn't make any sense at all, but it's adorable. Matt Walker. Thanks, guys. So let me give a little context to this bucket pull. The odds of this happening are absolutely insane. Matt was on last week. And so Matt came out with the world's most diabolically, you just have to take my word for it. It was the worst haircut you've ever seen in your entire life.

Starting point is 00:19:49 Barely anything was left. And I mean it was just fucking, it's like if I took this on a bald head and just made like 11 lines. I swear to God it was like combed down like to here to make it look like... You look like a Sharpie at one point like an egg What's amazing Matt is you should have waited? The odds of this happening are beyond insane people think that this show I've heard rumors that the show is fucking like Used and that the bucket pools are fake if it was this wouldn't be happening right now

Starting point is 00:20:21 Not to cut you off I actually told red band that last week because the guy with the beard and the cowboy hat, how he comes on, he's been on multiple times and stuff. You told Red Band what? That it doesn't seem so random. That maybe like, it's not all like bucket pools or whatever, but I mean, yeah, it's just completely random. Well, it clearly is.

Starting point is 00:20:36 If you would have waited another couple of weeks, you would be a star. All these people would know you and they'd be like, oh shit. I know, bro. I know. You got a little excited here and you did all your, I don't have hair jokes and they're like, yeah, so what? Yeah, no I hear you, no I hear you. Timing of it.

Starting point is 00:20:52 Didn't I tell you I was just gonna put you up in a month? Yeah, that too as well. But you couldn't wait. Yeah, well, I was just here, but bro, I mean, it was the chances of me being pulled out of the bucket. I know I've heard people say this shit and it's like, man, why are you saying that?

Starting point is 00:21:05 You know, maybe just don't sign up. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, don't sign up. Yeah, exactly, bro. That's what I'm saying. No, I hear you. You would have been a star. Well, I would have been a huge set.

Starting point is 00:21:14 Hopefully it'll still kind of carry. I mean, I couldn't just get up on it. It'll resonate. It'll resonate with the people at home. Yeah, yeah. That's for sure. But these people are like, who gives a fuck about your bald head, dude? I was aware of it.

Starting point is 00:21:24 So what? What else? Do another joke. but these people are like, who gives a fuck about your bald head, dude? I was aware of it. So what, what else? Do another joke. But you people are gonna see. You're gonna see this guy, the only time in the show's history in which we insisted on shaving somebody's head. I would just say, to give me a little break,

Starting point is 00:21:39 like I did come, not that it was great, they're great, it was great material, but I did, that was only in like five, four or five days that I was coming up with all these, my head just been spinning, bro, trying to come up with ideas. Well, it's much easier to spin now with a- Yeah, spin on top.

Starting point is 00:21:53 The old soft top you got up there. But yeah, I appreciate the opportunity you gave me last week. All right, jelly roll, relax. Jesus Christ. Fucking acceptance speech over here. Look at your fucking... The carpet matches the drapes down there. So, Matt, have you thought about anything that we didn't talk about in your interview last week that might be interesting?

Starting point is 00:22:21 No, but yesterday I just got pulled over with an invalid license and they, the cop would not give me a break, bro. He told my shit and I had to- Wait, you had an invalid license? Yeah, because my, and it's really just because the DMV, they don't have enough people to give you a new license. He was a complete just jerk about it, dude. My birthday was on the 16th of November.

Starting point is 00:22:40 So my license is, you know, had to be re- Expired. Yeah, expired. Not like suspended or anything. On November 16th. He didn't let you off. No, dude. He was a jerk. Where was the Garden Ridge, Texas? Right outside of Cibolo.

Starting point is 00:22:51 He was an Asian cop, short Asian cop, dude. Like, it's relevant. He was a short Asian cop. He was a jerk. Even his supervisor came. I was like, this guy's a jerk. I was like, bro, he won't meet me in the middle. Like I cannot.

Starting point is 00:23:02 His supervisor came. He made him give me a break and then he hated it, dude. He like walked away like, you know, because his supervisor's like, you need to give that a warning. That's bull shit, you know? Right. My dad had to come pick me up.

Starting point is 00:23:15 Yeah, dude. They told my shit. I got it out in an hour. He was like, he was trying to tie me up. I was like, bro, I'm gonna get it out today. Like, you're not gonna. And I'm broke right now. It was like my last three, 400 bucks,

Starting point is 00:23:24 but you know, it's just another bump in the road dude I've been watching videos and shit lately about like how some of these things are gonna make you stronger more resilient you know what I'm saying so it's all jelly roll bro I think jelly roll was one of them one of those videos that is pretty jelly roll not to be confused with egg roll that wanted to arrest you yesterday. So your car got towed and you had to get it out? Yeah, I got it out.

Starting point is 00:23:55 I called because it's Sunday, bro. He was trying to, dude, he was trying to get me tied up. What does that mean, tied up? Like, just trying to hinder me, I guess. He was just trying to make my make my life hard, bro. You know, this is like a small Texas town. Yes, sir. Yeah. And I actually do work for a lady that lives in Garden Ridge,

Starting point is 00:24:11 who she's probably like the I mean, she's got a Ferrari in her garage and all the shit. It's the rich ass lady. But what do you do for this lady? It is does kind of have a little vibe to it. You know, she's older lady. But what do you do with this lady? Dude, she has me do every, like,

Starting point is 00:24:26 she's like a Martha Stewart type, bro. She has me bring down all her Christmas decorations out of the garage, like from her G-tube. Have you been building a fence for some guy? Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. I think we're figuring this out slowly. Building fences for diabetic brown people out there?

Starting point is 00:24:44 All right, Matt Walker, well, we met you last week. You already have a joke book. You have a new outlook on life. I was gonna give you a spot in a few weeks, but you just fucking did it. Nah, come on, we still do that one, right? Okay, well stop signing up. You're a lucky fuck, so stop signing up, all right?

Starting point is 00:25:00 The universe wants it, bro. Jelly, you know, jelly roll. Okay, get outta here. There goes Matt Walker. Jesus Christ. Wait jelly, you know jelly roll. Okay, get out of here. There goes Matt Walker Jesus christ Wait till you guys know what happened. Yeah, you're not going to believe it. It's literally It's proof that the show's not set up I do believe Hello there this podcast is sponsored by game time guys, you know I love live events and when I go to live events

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Starting point is 00:27:14 goes by the name of Danny V. Danny V is next on Kill Tony, here we go. Thank you. Thank you, thank you. So I am aware that I look like one of Joe Rogan's sperm. I look like an Oompa Loompa that joined the Nazis. So there was this, the reason I think, I think the reason why police officers don't have turtles as pets is he can't kneel on their necks. I saw this homeless guy with a sign that said,

Starting point is 00:27:58 hot, hungry, and homeless. It's like, that's pretty self-absorbed. If you think you're that sex, you just have some sex and get out of poverty. I mean, if Kamala Harris did it, why can't you? I think the only reason why white guys date black women is to ensure that their kids don't have bigger... or that do have bigger dicks than them. Sorry, I fucked that up. Now it's my time. All right, Danny B. Is this your first time on the show, Danny?

Starting point is 00:28:31 On the show, yes. Welcome. How long you been doing standup? About a year. About a year, where at? Vegas. Okay, welcome, welcome. One year and Las Vegas.

Starting point is 00:28:42 What do you do for a living, Danny? Sorry, what was that? What do you do for a living, Danny? Sorry, what was that? What do you do for a living? For a living, I just moved to Austin, so right now I've been doing DoorDash. You've been doing Do-Do-Door-Dash. Okay. Do you eat the food?

Starting point is 00:28:58 No, I'm a good DoorDash. Good DoorDash. Do they give you guys ratings? Yes, they do. Okay. Yeah. You ever deliver late-night Wendy's to... Me and Red Ben have a straight-up line. He just texts me whenever he needs it. Wow, you even knew what I was talking about. I love it. So Danny, you've been doing it a year. What made you come here today?

Starting point is 00:29:28 I mean, the show and the comedy opportunities that are out here in Austin. Yeah, you're visiting for a few days? No, I live out here now. Oh, nice. So you were in Vegas. When did you move to Austin? About four weeks ago.

Starting point is 00:29:40 Four weeks ago. What's your living situation like? I live in my car. You live in your car? Yeah. Okay, where you been parking it at nighttime? That's something I always like situation like? I live in my car. You live in your car? Yeah. Okay. Where have you been parking it at night time? That's something I always like to ask people that live in their car.

Starting point is 00:29:49 It's a tricky situation out here. I park it in like a gym parking lot. Okay. You have a gym membership. Yes. That's how I shower. Well, he seems very pro police with the George Floyd joke. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:30:03 There's no, I don't know, do cops not have turtles? Is that a thing? I mean, I've never seen one with one, so I mean, it would just, the connection makes sense to me. Have you ever seen an Asian cop before? I mean, you never see them with cats now, do they? What do you do for fun Danny V? So just like a lot of outdoor stuff like hikes, walk around, do shit like that.

Starting point is 00:30:34 Listen to comedy, try to do that. Okay. All right. And what kind of car is it that you live in? It's a 2015 Hyundai Accent. 2015 Hyundai Accent. I love it. Okay, so were you born and raised in Vegas? Born and raised in Vegas. How does that happen? What are your parents like? I've always wondered that. So my mom is a recovering addict,

Starting point is 00:30:58 alcoholic, and my dad, my real dad is in prison. He's been in prison since I was 3 years old. -♪ Ding-dong! -♪ Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Jackpot. I love it. So, your real dad has been in prison? Yeah, since I was three. For what? He murdered a guy and then... Oh, here you go. Wow.

Starting point is 00:31:36 Do you know the context of the murder? Can you describe what happened? Yeah, yeah. So, both my parents were using pretty heavily, like meth and like kind of crazy shit like that. And then one day he came home and broke my mom's nose. So. So.

Starting point is 00:31:55 So, she took me. Yeah. She took me... Yeah? She took me to, like, one of her friends' house, and she had, like, two guys, like, sleeping over because she was, like, kind of scared. And my real dad was... Oh, that's a great idea. Nothing makes a guy that'll punch you in the nose happier

Starting point is 00:32:24 than two fucking dudes at the house. Right? Well, I mean, that's a great idea. Nothing makes a guy that'll punch you in the nose happier than two fucking dudes at the house. Right? Well, I mean, that's... Do you know why he punched her in the nose in the first place? Just out of curiosity. I never really asked my mom. Just only good at cooking meth and not food? She fucked up the meth while she was cooking. Sounds like a wild house.

Starting point is 00:32:40 Maybe it is better you live in your car. So, okay, punches her in the nose. You don't know why. Go to a house with two dudes and then... And then, so, he was drinking and drugging that whole night, and then he kind of, like, stalked her and saw that there were two dudes there. He thought she was fucking them. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:33:02 And he broke in, killed one guy, and then stabbed another guy in the shoulder, and, uh... Pfft. Okay. All right. Paralyzed his arm. Paralyzed.

Starting point is 00:33:12 His arm's still paralyzed. Yeah. Wow. Have you ever met that guy? I have not. When you do, make sure to shake the right hand. Yeah. I'll just play with the other one like yeah. What did he do to the

Starting point is 00:33:31 other guy? Stabbed him in the heart? How did the one guy get off with just a shoulder? So I like after like the one guy like he was just dead and I think he like stabbed him in the heart a couple times. That'll do it. And, uh... Stops the heart from beating and pumping blood. Easier to clean up the mess. I got you. It was pretty messy. It was a pretty messy experience.

Starting point is 00:33:52 Yeah. Sounds like it. So, like, after he stabbed the second guy, like, the house woke up and he, like, he dipped. And he just went to a bar after and just, like, drank until the cops came. Wow. I love that people were mad they got woken up. Yeah, just when things couldn't get any worse.

Starting point is 00:34:12 I'm just trying to get some goddamn sleep around here. Did you stop the kitchen stabbings? Is that where it was? Was it in the kitchen? I feel like it was in the kitchen too. No, he stabbed them in different bedrooms. Oh. Were any of them sleeping with your mom?

Starting point is 00:34:25 No. Wow. That is fucked up. Red band with a wise observation over here. That's fucked up. Yes, that is fucked up. Unbelievable. So he was in prison when you were three.

Starting point is 00:34:38 Do you go visit him sometimes? I visited him once when I was like 12. And I really like just have it. They have anything fun in a Vegas prison? I mean, even at their airport. They have vending machines where you could buy like whole mini pizzas, like the Red Bear. Oh wow.

Starting point is 00:34:52 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Pfft, pfft, pfft. Did you have a pizza there? I did have a pizza there. Fuck yeah. I did. Amazing.

Starting point is 00:35:00 And it was good? It was decent. You know, it was like the Red Bear once. Did your dad ever ask you for money or anything? No, he, I haven't talked to him in like 10 years. And he has a life sentence, right? No, he actually has, I want to say like 20 more years. Oh wow.

Starting point is 00:35:17 Yeah, so. Okay, not bad. He'll find you. Yeah. That's actually, that's a big worry that my mom has is that he's going to come out and finish the job. No, really?

Starting point is 00:35:28 Does he, does he know that they weren't fucking them? Like does he go, shit, I fucked up? Like has he, has he? I mean, he, like the one time I did talk to him, he like, tried to stab you. The one time you talked to him? He, uh, like he expressed that like he he was sorry and he wished he could take stuff back and he was just not in the right state of mind. I mean, he was all messed up and stuff.

Starting point is 00:35:51 Right. Yeah. Exactly. And you haven't talked to him since you were 12? I talked to him probably like a decade ago, so probably when I was 20. That was about it. It's a shame you can't make a phone call to prison whenever you want. That would be great.

Starting point is 00:36:07 I could tell them to call back next time. Yeah, we'll figure it out. So Danny, is DoorDash the end all be all for you? What do you, what type of job are you looking for? What do you want to get into? So like ultimately I do want to be a comedian, but like the backup plan is to be like a plumber or electrician.

Starting point is 00:36:24 Do you have talents in those fields? I'm mechanically inclined. I was in the Army National Guard. I didn't deploy or anything, so I don't deserve any credit. Okay. Yeah, thank you. What did you do there? Oh, wow.

Starting point is 00:36:38 There you go. A little stubby middle finger for you. Coming from the guidance you. Okay well if anyone needs an electrician or a plumber in Austin. I mean I'm open to any job I'm pretty versatile. Yeah yeah okay well there you go how can people find you? I mean you want to plug my Instagram? Sure is that good for you? Yeah. Okay, go ahead. Comedian Danny B.

Starting point is 00:37:07 There you go, comedian Danny B. He's only a year in, living out of his car. Seems like a nice guy, seems like he's got his life together. A lot of common sense, good answers. There he goes, Danny B. And Danny. Danny. Danny, even though the performance was just okay,

Starting point is 00:37:28 you got a lot of work to do, so here's a big joke book for you. Danny B, everybody. All right. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Mason Davis, everybody. We're moving along. Make some noise for Mason.

Starting point is 00:37:40 Here we go. Mason Davis, everybody. Here he is. One more time for Mason. You used to live with a couple guys that are super into, like, Star Wars and Marvels. Marvel, don't get me wrong. Those are great movies. But do you guys know how hard it is to get laid when your front door mat says,

Starting point is 00:38:01 all Jedi is welcome? Like, I thought we were friends, man. Whose side are you on? I don't know. It was a nice, brand-new apartment. I wanted to show it off, but it was just decorated like it was the set of the 40-year-old Virgin. It was really unfortunate. Did you guys know that pussy dehumidifiers are a real thing?

Starting point is 00:38:22 Turns out it was actually just my apartment. I don't know. I recently found out that my neighbor is a black, beautiful queen. And I'm not the smoothest with the ladies, but I finally worked up the courage to go and introduce myself. I went up, talked to her, said my name, she said her name back. And then a bee started flying around her head and she screamed and took off running. Now if you're just walking your dog across the street and enjoying your morning, you

Starting point is 00:38:49 can't see a fucking bee. You just see a white man and a black lady having a conversation and she takes off running. I don't know, we did finally hook up recently though, but I let her peg me, but it was only like reparations. All right, Mason Davis, there it is. Okay, let's talk about it. Is any of that true? Is it a black, really? You have a black, beautiful queen neighbor? I do, that part is true.

Starting point is 00:39:18 I didn't let her peg me though. Right. We didn't hook up, I should say. Right, okay. Okay, how long you been doing stand-up? Uh, about a year and a half. A year and five months. All of it here in Austin? Uh, no. I just moved here September. From where?

Starting point is 00:39:34 Uh, Oregon. Okay. Portland or out in the middle of nowhere? Out in the middle of nowhere. I was living about an hour and a half south of Portland so I was driving up there like once a week. Yeah, that's the true middle of nowhere. This has been a very meth-heavy episode so far. Everyone has had some almost direct correlation to meth

Starting point is 00:39:53 in some way, either with their parents or fixing fences or something. You were close to a lot of meth there in the middle of Portland, am I correct? I didn't live there, but yes, driving through, you'd see a bunch on the road. Okay, on the road. see a bunch on the road. Okay, on the road. People dropping back on the road.

Starting point is 00:40:09 You would see a lot of meth-y type of characters. Oh yeah. What do you do for work, Mason? Right now I work at Boot Barn. Okay, how did you get into Boot Barn? I went there with my dad when I first moved here. He was looking for a pair of boots and was like, this would be a pretty good, okay, like, pretty good job, and so. And they're like, you have no experience with boots,

Starting point is 00:40:28 but you're white? Perfect for the job. There you go. All right, guys, what do we think about Mason Davis? Oh, so the black queen was because of the bee? Yeah, good question. I was kind of just wondering the joke. And I'm not insulting you.

Starting point is 00:40:48 Just wondering what the fuck. Yeah, no, I agree with Dave on this. I noticed that he laughed and I laughed both at your setup. Yeah, I like this. A combined 38 years of stand-up experience between me and Dave, and you both had us giggling at the setup, and then both had us giggling at the set-up, and then it kind of went nowhere.

Starting point is 00:41:07 Because you do look like somebody who would marry a black woman, and people are like, why the fuck are they together? Like, have you ever seen those people? Yeah. And then you have one of those weird, white, blondie, freckly fucking creeps. Creeps.

Starting point is 00:41:23 I mean, the... That no one wants. Psst, one wants? Did you try with her? Did you try, Mason? Did I try hooking up with her? Yeah. I mean, yeah, I'm just, like I said, I'm not that good with talking to girls, so just introducing myself was a big step. Can you look straight out there and say exactly what you said to her? Yo, what up, bitch? I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:41:31 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:41:39 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. and say exactly what you said to her? Yo, what up, bitch? Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:42:03 I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh,

Starting point is 00:42:11 oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, Looking like all the characters of Friends Mashed Together. My rent's gonna go up. Have you ever been with a black woman before? I have not. No. Have you been with a white woman before? I have. When's the last time you were with a white woman? Ooh. Um...

Starting point is 00:42:39 Oh. Like three or four years ago. Wow. Why do you think that is, Jason? Damn. Yeah. That hurt. Yeah. I think you've got to get rid of that Jedi fucking doormat. That's why I moved. That's why I moved.

Starting point is 00:42:55 Yeah. That is amazing. So now, you live here? Yes. And do you have roommates still? Nope. You live by yourself? Yep. Hyundai do you have roommates still? Nope. You live by yourself? Yep.

Starting point is 00:43:06 Hyundai? No, I got an apartment. How are you able to afford that? Boot barn, and I saved a good, I used to be a welder, and so I saved up a couple of bucks before I moved. How much did you save exactly? I'm always so interested when people tell me

Starting point is 00:43:19 they saved money. This isn't an orthodox show. It's not normally a common thing to ask somebody how much money they saved, but this is that type of show. Just out of my own curiosity, can I guess? Yeah. I'm gonna say you saved $8,500. I wish. It was about $5,000.

Starting point is 00:43:37 Damn. Man. I appreciate the guess, though. Working at a Texas boot barn, like, what's your most common question from somebody? Like, which one is the best for kicking them over the border? Usually it's in Spanish. Oh, it's for fence climbing. No, it's usually just like a bunch of, because it depends on the people that come in, because

Starting point is 00:44:00 some people have worn boots before, so they're just looking for a certain thing, and some people are like, I have never worn boots before. Whores. I was being nice. What do you think made you want to be a standup comedian, Mason? I used to, I made all my friends laugh, and I really enjoyed that, and then I just realized.

Starting point is 00:44:20 Do you have any childhood trauma? No. Parents are happy all together? Yeah. No murders childhood trauma? No. Parents are happy all together? Yeah. No murders or anything? No. Nothing at all? You just made your friends in Oregon laugh?

Starting point is 00:44:33 Yeah. And I was getting good, and I was getting better at stand-up when I was doing it. But I wasn't doing it that much. You're doing a lot of spots here in Austin? Trying. What do you mean by trying? What does that mean?

Starting point is 00:44:43 I'm hitting a lot of open mics. I haven't been. Right. Is that working for you? Yeah, getting better, writing more. I love it. What else do you do for fun, Mason? I'm just trying to figure out the city because I moved here pretty recently. This is my first time living in a big city and it's a little overwhelming at first but I've been falling in love with it. I've been trying to figure out where the cool little spots are. Fentanyl dealers?

Starting point is 00:45:07 Yeah. What part was overwhelming? Can you give me an example of the overwhelming part? In Albany, where I'm from, there is not a street that shuts down for bars. There's maybe one bar, one or two bars. And so when I came down to that the first night, I was like, this is degeneracy.

Starting point is 00:45:24 And it was awesome. I loved it. Yeah. And so when I came down to that the first night, I was like, this is degeneracy. And it was awesome. I loved it. Yeah. It is lovely. I love it too. Well, Mason, very good. Fun times.

Starting point is 00:45:37 Anything else we should know about you before I get you out of here? I crashed a motorcycle, my buddy's motorcycle. How did that happen? I was driving at night and I didn't know that the road turned and I just went straight. Oh shit. Into a field and, but we're doing good now so. Did you get hurt? I split my knee open, kneecap like volcanoed out and you could see my kneecap. Oh wow. But didn't break anything so, call it lucky. I split my knee open, like kneecap like volcanoed out and you could like see my kneecap.

Starting point is 00:46:05 Oh wow. But didn't break anything so call it lucky. Was the motorcycle totaled? Yeah and it wasn't even mine, that was the worst part. So how did you pay your friend back? I just paid for it. You just paid for it straight up, how much was that? I think it was like 1600, 1700.

Starting point is 00:46:20 Okay. What kind of motorcycle? It was a Jixxer, Jixxer 600. Sounds racist. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Mason. Well, it has begun for you.

Starting point is 00:46:35 Welcome to Austin, Texas. There's a little joke book. Thank you, appreciate it. Mason Davis. You know what's great about ambition? You can't see it. Some things look ambitious, but looks can be deceiving. For example, a runner could be training for a marathon or they could be late for the bus. You never know.

Starting point is 00:46:55 Ambition is on the inside. So that road trip bucket list? Get after it. Drive your ambition. Mitsubishi Motors. This NFL season, get in on all the hard-hitting action with FanDuel, North America's number one sportsbook. You can bet on anything from money lines to spreads and player props, or combine your bets in a same-game parlay for a shot at an even bigger payout.

Starting point is 00:47:19 Plus, with super simple live betting, lightning fast bet settlement, and instant withdrawals, FanDuel makes betting on the NFL easier than ever before. So make the most of this football season and download FanDuel today. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling Palm, call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Let's get one more bucket pull up here.

Starting point is 00:47:41 This young man's been on this show a few times. One week ago, one week ago, he said to me at Mitzi's, the bar connected to the mothership, he said to me, I'm ready, I'm ready for another minute. I go, why are you telling me this? He goes, I just want to let you know, I'm ready. I go, don't tell me. Just keep signing up and show me. The bucket of destiny has spoken. He has been pulled out of a bucket out of 250 people.

Starting point is 00:48:19 Let's see how it goes. This is a new minute from Michael Ridley. -♪ I've been going to the gym recently. It's like a new thing for me, like, the last two weeks. I've had ADHD, so it's, like, hard to stick to a routine. And I've only been going for two weeks, and I'm realizing I'm already encountering, like, an ego problem.

Starting point is 00:48:45 Like, I'm finding myself shirtless in the mirror listening to Beethoven after a workout. And I can hear an ego demon gassing me up from the back, and he's saying things like, look at what you have become. Look at what you have become. They used to make fun of you. You used to wear your T-shirt in the pool

Starting point is 00:49:11 with your little Asian nipples poking through. But soon, my child, soon, the moon will encapsulate the sun and the king will take his rightful place upon the throne Really Yes, my child yes There is a God Locked away inside of you and we Will set him free

Starting point is 00:49:44 See I've just been trying to get healthier and shit and we will set him free. See, I've just been trying to get healthier and shit. I, uh. There you go. Full minute, 16 seconds from Michael Ridley. Hey, what's up Tony? How are you, dude? What are you running this thing? I love it.

Starting point is 00:49:58 How are you, buddy? I'm doing good, man. I'm freaking out. Fuck, what's up, brother? Hey, what's up, bro? It's good to see you, dude. Good to see you too. Okay, Michael. I'm happy out. What's up, brother? Hey, what's up, bro? It's good to see you, dude. Good to see you, too. Okay, Michael.

Starting point is 00:50:08 I'm happy. Yeah, I can tell. You're very happy. Yeah, I'm super happy, dude. All right, relax, Michael. Let's jump right into it. How do you feel like that went? When you were randomly coming up to me telling me that you're so ready,

Starting point is 00:50:21 is that how you thought it would go? Huh? No, not at all. I thought it was going to be way better than that. I've been closing on that one for a while and it gets big pops. It's always like, really? You know what I mean? I'm also like have a lot of nerves. I just, your boy, I don't know what the fuck happened, Tony, but I was a little thick and

Starting point is 00:50:37 I just finally feel good enough to come out of the house. What do you mean thick? Sick as hell. Like, I don't know, bro. You were sick. Yeah, I've been letting people hit my vape, Tony. And don't do that around here. Everybody's fucking eating booty hole and spreading disease.

Starting point is 00:50:52 All right, Michael, Michael, Michael, stick over here. You're fucking water next to me. I'm sorry, Dave. How long have you been sick for? You're sweating like an AIDS patient. Yeah. I have hyperhidrosis. How dare you, dude?

Starting point is 00:51:06 Okay, Michael. So how long have you been sick for? What have your symptoms been? Probably COVID. I don't know. Probably some new shit. Definitely. That's not what I asked you at all. How long have you been sick for?

Starting point is 00:51:18 I've been sick for like two or three days. I've just been in the crib for three days. And then you decided to come out tonight in public around a bunch of people who can't get sick. No, no, no, I'm fine. I'm good. You don't look fine. I always look kind of sick.

Starting point is 00:51:35 Like ever since COVID, you can't be a sweaty Asian guy in public. You just always look like. That is true. I've always been sweaty. Like I've always been a sweaty guy, but. So you feel great true. I've always been sweaty. I've always been a sweaty guy. So you feel great today. I feel so good today.

Starting point is 00:51:49 But I'm being serious. No symptoms at all today. No, no, no, I'm good. Okay. I've just been in the house. I'm happy to be out of the house. You ever been locked up in the crib sick and now you're like, I wanna be social.

Starting point is 00:52:00 You say a lot of stuff in between questions. Sorry, Jimmy. Do you really have little Asian nipples? You said that during your set. Is that true? Nah, they're big and brown, dude. They're fucking... Are they? Yeah, I got some brown areolas. I got some fat boy nipples, dude.

Starting point is 00:52:16 Really? Huh? Dinner plates? No, more of like, uh, probably like a half dollar. Oh, not bad. Yeah, not super big, but not super small either. How was the hair on those things? Fucking.

Starting point is 00:52:31 How is the hair on those things? The world wants to know. I have to fucking, dude, I shave them. I have to shave them. They're so sporadic. I have like Asian fibers. Right there. They come off of them.

Starting point is 00:52:44 They like, they'll thread through my shirt sometimes. How many of you want to see these hairy Asian nipples? We've been talking about them. It's that time. He's been going to the gym. Let's see what happens here, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa! Look at that. That demon is full of shit. Soon the king will take the throne.

Starting point is 00:53:06 What the fuck is this demon seeing? Yeah, the whole joke is that I'm still kind of fucking fat as fuck. Hell yeah, you look like a fucking bag of rice. I wasn't really expecting much from a guy that goes to the gym with Bobby Lee. They always do, yeah. Hey. They always do that. Yeah, everybody does that. So Michael Ridley, what else is going on in life?

Starting point is 00:53:30 Have you really been going to the gym? I was for a little bit, but then, dude, I fucking, I was sober for like two years. I started drinking again, dude. Oh, is that what happened last week when you came up to me and said you're ready that you're going to do so good? I fucking relapse, ay, you know? Now it's all making sense. I got to witness a real life relapse then. I didn't, I wouldn't really call it a relapse,

Starting point is 00:53:54 more of a return. It's the same thing. Dude, if you can't drink, dude, what the fuck are you doing, dude? If you can't drink and keep it together, what's wrong with you? What are you, gay? I don't know. Can you keep it together?

Starting point is 00:54:07 I think I've been doing pretty good. Do you think every comedian after a Monday night taping comes up to me and goes, just to let you know, I'm fucking ready? You think that's what I do all night after the tapings is just field comedians going, I'm ready.

Starting point is 00:54:24 Your boy was like four or five crowns deep, like, yeah, chatty. tapings is just field comedians going, I'm ready. Your boy was like four or five crowns deep like, yeah, chatty. Yeah, so was I, and I was bored as fuck at the conversation. Last thing I want to do while trying to fucking drink my sorrows away is have sweaty little fucking Asian men. Ready when you are. I am ready. That's me, Sketch.

Starting point is 00:54:49 I'm doing that. I'm doing that, Sketch. Sketch is looking around. Sketch has puppy-like behavior sometimes. Just like, what's that? Just wants to see those Asian nips again. Yeah, dude. Run it back.

Starting point is 00:55:01 They are big with, when you have glasses that thick, those are big Asian niffs. They're medium to us, meaty. Just just my type though. That's right. Absolutely. I thought you quit all that. No.

Starting point is 00:55:15 I'm just making a return too. Hey, return of the dragon. Michael Ridley, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket again. There he goes. Michael Ridley, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket again. There he goes, Michael Ridley, everybody. Adios. Getting to watch a man relapse in real time. That'll be a story to follow.

Starting point is 00:55:40 All right, ladies and gentlemen, it is that time. One of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. An international superstar. I present to you a brand new minute from the one and only Cam Patterson. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah I'm glad y'all like that, little gag, because I am not ready. I'll tell you that much. This minute, it's funny, because I've been trying

Starting point is 00:56:20 to figure this minute out, and I don't know how to tell it, for real. All I know is I used to be a bully, right? I used to hurt people a little bit when I was in elementary school and middle school and this shit like that. And I would get suspended all the time. And one day they wanted to call my parents, but they didn't understand that I was doing all this bullying because my parents aren't the best parents in the world.

Starting point is 00:56:39 You know what I'm saying? And she wanted to call my dad real bad. And I was sitting in the office and she was looking at me, scolding me and stuff. And she called my dad, she put him on speakerphone. And my dad was talking to her. She was like, your son's a bad person. He's gonna get expelled. He's bullying other students.

Starting point is 00:56:56 He had somebody with a baseball bat. You need to talk to him. And then my dad just went, hey, Cam, stand up. And I was 5'1' at the time. And then he just went, Who the fuck is he bullying, bitch Midgets? And hung up the phone. That's my time. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 00:57:16 Cam Patterson. Cam's dad. I say it all the time. Such a character. Such a vat of hilarity to draw from with that man. That really happened, bro. I believe it. I swear to God. I know your dad, I know that happened. Very, very funny man.

Starting point is 00:57:35 Yeah, yeah. I'm glad that worked, that shit been bombing all day, nigga. I been running around, I was supposed to be here earlier, I was running around with a whole bunch of soldiers, that shit was eating dicks all day. Well, going up after, oh look, there he is, his dad everybody. Nigga we back. Who put that hat on him man?

Starting point is 00:58:02 Why they put that fucking hat on him? Cause you can't see it. He don't like gay people. That's a gay ass hat, man. Who put that hat on D-Madness, man? The fuck going on right now? The show going to fucking shampoos right now. And they put a gay ass hat in front of D-Madness?

Starting point is 00:58:20 Bullshit. D's got a pink hat on. You know that? You got a pink hat on, D. You know what pink is, man? It's bedazzled. It's bedazzled bull shit. D's got a pink hat on. You know that? You got a pink hat on, D. You know what pink is, man? It's bedazzled. It's bedazzled as shit. You say he got no pink hair.

Starting point is 00:58:29 He don't know. Oh, oh shit. He, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. The nigga don't know colors. Oh, fuck. I ain't know that. Oh, I forgot he was blind. Oh, man. I forgot he was blind. Oh man.

Starting point is 00:58:46 I forgot he was blind. Okay, that was hard. Still though. Are you gonna give him his damn bass guitar, Josh? What the fuck? Josh, you have two chops. What the fuck going on right now, man? Jesus fucking Christ, man.

Starting point is 00:59:04 This show going to shambles, nigga. God damn. This poor guy, he just sits D up here to get roasted to death. You have any idea how stupid your head is? D's just sitting there like, whoa, what the fuck's going on? You at least give him his, there it is.

Starting point is 00:59:24 Oh man. Oh my God. Oh, my God. D-Madness is normally an absolute master of style. D, can we get him a mic? Is that mic part of the thing? Let's use this one here, D, so that it makes it to the show. This one's... Is that on the air? Is D's mic on the show? Yeah, use that one.

Starting point is 00:59:42 D-Madness... That's fucked up. We tried to edit those out. Yeah, use that one. D-Madness. Matt, shut the hell up. I'm kidding, we're all fucking friends here. D-Madness, we don't often get to talk to you deep and personal. I like a moment like this where it's a little bit off the beaten path. Now normally, for those of you that might not know, or maybe it's your first episode, D Madness is a master of style. I don't know how you pull it off. I don't know what kind of advisors you have or what exactly goes on.

Starting point is 01:00:18 Why are you handing him a different mic? What's going on? Why are you fucking with this poor guy? So, D, can you take us through, what is it like getting ready for, like, I mean, how do you know what that hat looks like? Uh, no. Oh, Dee's, come on. What? Don't give him the auto-tune mic from the musical performance.

Starting point is 01:00:40 Give him a real mic, Dee's. Come on. Well, happy now. All right, very good. Very good. God damn, man! The show coming to shambles and shit! Well, I do like the texture of the hat. I don't know what it looks like, but I do like the way it looks.

Starting point is 01:00:57 Hey, Deez! That's all I know is texture. It does look like it has great texture. Yeah. It is a good hat. It actually is cool. It is a little bit pinker than you would wear if you knew what it looked like. One of the most famous homophobes in the show's history.

Starting point is 01:01:15 It looks like Tiffany Haddish's underwear. Thank you. That was terrible. It looks like a weird-ass reference. That was... If you threw a fanny pack on, you'd look like every older black woman going to Vegas. That was terrible. It looks like a weird ass reference. That was... If you threw a fanny pack on, you'd look like every older black woman going to Vegas. Well, ain't that wonderful.

Starting point is 01:01:33 It's up! I'm gonna keep all this in mind next time I talk. What'd you say, D? I'm gonna keep all this in mind next time. Oh, shit. Oh, he's What'd you say, D? I'm gonna keep all this in mind next time. Oh shit. Oh, he's gonna get you back, Cam. Next time you smell funny, you're getting roasted. Let me tell you something.

Starting point is 01:01:52 Shit. Yeah. Yes, brother darkness, I'm gonna get you. Brother darkness, he just called you. I call him darkness and he called me blacker, so. We know, it's just from time to time, you know. Not that I know of difference. What's up, darkness, bro, what's up, blacker?

Starting point is 01:02:07 What's up? Yeah, you know, they all mean the same to me. D Madness, do you have any final words you'd like to say to Cam Patterson who decided to shift all of this part to you and that roastable hat? No, this is- Hold on.

Starting point is 01:02:23 Actually, Cam, why don't you do me a favor? I want you to look at my T-shirt. Well, most people, how you know what it say? I know what it say. I know what it say, nigga. Nigga, I know what it say. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Hey, hey, you know what it say?

Starting point is 01:02:48 Ah, real shit. You know what's crazy? I... Real shit, I've been beefing with the blind my whole life, nigga, it's kind of crazy. It's a... When I first started doing stag life, it was a blind lady, she was in a wheelchair, and they would always bring her on stage and shit, and I was hosting the show one time. All right, all right, nigga, hold up, wait a minute. I'm telling my story. Now...

Starting point is 01:03:02 I'm telling my story. Now... I swear to God, I'm not a goddamn disgruntled body. I'm a shoot-headed... Okay, calm down. Because the words are sparking me up. I read it and it said, you big dummy. Thank you. But there was a blind lady, there was a blind lady coming to the show, she was in the wheelchair.

Starting point is 01:03:24 What a cunt. You know, you're the closest to me, right? But she would, uh... It's gonna bomb now, because it took too long. But she would always be like, I love him, I love him because he's so black and he's so short. And I was like, how you know I'm short?

Starting point is 01:03:41 And she was like, you're real close to my ear. Because she was in a wheelchair. how you know I'm short? And she was like, you real close to my ear. Cause she was in a wheelchair, you know what I'm saying? And I hate that bitch, I hate her. Hope that bitch never see you again, God damn. We're gonna go to the second most blind person in the room here, Sketch. I can see pretty far. Pretty far. There you go.

Starting point is 01:04:08 Tell him, Sketch, you see real good. Hey, fuck him! Yeah, you what? Whoa, whoa! So we're on the same level. It's like rounding up a retarded kid. Yeah, fuck, nigga, yeah! Hey!

Starting point is 01:04:19 Ah! Me and Kim hung out last night, and he spent the night at my house. No, I didn't. Yeah, he did. No, whoa, hey. He did. Hey, no the fuck. Hey, hey, hey.

Starting point is 01:04:29 Oh, shit. Hey, hey. I did not stay the night. I was there for a long time. And we drank a little bit, but I did not stay the night. And then he sent his homeboy to come grab his jacket this morning. That's actually true. Wow.

Starting point is 01:04:43 That's actually true. Hey. Oh, man. I knew it was gonna oh man, I knew it was gonna look bad. I knew it was gonna look bad. Okay, wait, I'm sorry, you all right, you good. Don't sue nobody, nigga. All right, listen. I understand something, wait, I understand something. This is, I'm glad this is brought,

Starting point is 01:04:58 this is a good story, this is a funny story. So, Sketch, we did the stream last night, and Sketch gave me a lot of like gifts and shit, So I wouldn't give him something back in return, right? So I gave him my jacket my back, right? What do you mean when you say like that? So I gave my jacket off my back right? It's my favorite jacket So I got back in the car with my homeboy my girlfriend, right? I got back in the car Had to clarify that got back with my homeboy and my girlfriend So I got in the car, and I was drunk,

Starting point is 01:05:25 and I was like, man, it was such a good time, man. But I gave him my favorite jacket. And I just kept saying that over and over again. And my homeboy is a good friend, also a crazy person. So he went this morning and just got my jacket back. And I woke up, and it was just in my living room. That's the whole story. Oh, for sure.

Starting point is 01:05:46 Sometimes it always don't got to have a punch. Hey, hey, hey, baby! -♪ Hey, hey, now. Hey! Sketch! ["Sketch's Hat"] Oh, shit. Sketch is crushing live. That was good. Oh my God, Cam, you're so gay,

Starting point is 01:06:17 we're gonna give you D-Madness' hat as a gift. What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? What's going on? Fuck it. That was too long.

Starting point is 01:06:24 That was too long. That was the fuck you want from me? I want to note that he's just sitting there shaking his head, very disgusted at me right now. Look at this beautiful black queen we have here. Oh, we're having fun here tonight. How loud can this place get for the always impactful Cam Patterson? One more time for Cam, everybody. The man, the myth.

Starting point is 01:07:03 And the show goes on. Back to the bucket. Trying to escape the holiday playlist. Well, it's not going to happen here. Tears are ceasing for a vacation Fa la la la la la la la la Leave the cold for a sunny location Fa la la la la la la la la Ditch the mittens, grab the lotion, Fa la la la la la la la la. With Sunwing's seasons of savings on now, why not ditch the cold and dive straight into

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Starting point is 01:07:53 Shop now at People's and find that special piece today. Let's celebrate love, friendship, and all the joy this holiday brings. Live for love with People's Jewelers. This guy's been getting on this show for years. This is, we've seen him a lot. Very lucky, lucky man. And he's back again. Make some noise for a new minute from Tim Warner. Always fun styles of Tim Warner.

Starting point is 01:08:21 So Trump was elected president. Tim Warner. -♪ So, Trump was elected president. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yet, Biden is still in the White House. Like, I think this is really awkward. Like, you ever been in a relationship that ends before the lease does? One of these on the couch, the other's in the bedroom.

Starting point is 01:08:50 Every time you come out, they're just like, all right, listen. No, come on, man. The guy you're with, he's garbage. Hear me out. Just hear me out. A lot of women now apparently are going celibate to protest Trump's election, which I just think is crazy, you know? Just when you thought they couldn't get any worse at driving.

Starting point is 01:09:19 Recently saw a sticker for a Zend competition. How the hell does this work? I'm at peace. I'm at more peace than you. All right. That's all I got. Okay, Tim Warner. All right. Okay. Hi, Tim. How's it been going? Ah, all right. How are you? Good. Good. Good. Remind us all how long you been on stand-up again? 14 years now. 14 years. Okay.

Starting point is 01:09:50 Why? Just gonna say normally it goes better than that. That's a, that was something. What do you think went wrong there, Tim, 14 year veteran? Oh, Jesus. A lot of takes, dude. But you know. Yeah. Oh be it sober as it helped. Dealing with a lot of shame without like getting fucked up and escaping reality and just you know septic digs. That's been that's been a bitch. How long have you been sober now? Uh, we are on

Starting point is 01:10:26 two years and one month We remember when you went sober a lot of those initial sober performances We're good rock solid. Yeah, what do you think's going on with you? You've been going to meetings and stuff. What's happening? Yeah, they're doing everything Yeah, I don't know. Just had a I've had a difficult four months. Like I said, it's dealing with shame, dude, like part of it with the clarity. It's like all these new memories of just not being great, not being a good human. And I don't know, it's like,

Starting point is 01:11:03 like in a movie at the end of it when you had the big reveal and it's just like oh I thought I was a decent person it's just like no you're kind of a piece of shit your whole life and taking it all on at once like every all of the moments it's just pretty heavy you know and it's very tough for me to forgive myself you you know, for the past. It's just tough, you know? Hilarious. I... I...

Starting point is 01:11:31 I forgive your barber. Got him. Why would a woman being celibate make her a worst driver? Did I miss something there? Did I miss, like, part of the set? I just think they're really, like, at least here, I think a lot of them are aggressive. So I figured not fucking would make them

Starting point is 01:11:52 even more aggressive. And that would just be double... aggressiveness. There's a woman shaking her head yes out there. Yeah, I just... As though to say that if she wasn't sexually active, she would be a worse driver. I find it to be an interesting take.

Starting point is 01:12:10 I was kind of waiting for something there. Zed? Is that what you said? Zen. Zen. I heard zed. That makes more sense. That's dead.

Starting point is 01:12:19 I think yes. Yes. I think a lot of people didn't really get anything. I liked the premise of the Biden still being in the White House while Trump's definitely the inevitable president. But that kind of went. That was kind of like, you have to have roommates to get that, perhaps.

Starting point is 01:12:41 And this seems like no one in this audience has had a roommate in their entire lives by the reaction that we got. All right. Anything else you've been working on maybe maybe another new thing or something maybe something else a new quick little joke. You're a you're you're funnier than that minute. Every time you've been on the show it's been funnier than that. Yeah. You've been gone for a while right like Like four or five months. I haven't seen you on social media doing positive shit all over my Instagram.

Starting point is 01:13:10 Is that normally what he does? Yeah, he usually puts those like, live, laugh, love type shit in it. Like, he's like, I'm sober now. He's like doing all these messages. And I actually thought about you recently. And I was like, what the fuck have you been up to? Is there something else that has happened recently are you are you not sober are

Starting point is 01:13:28 you trying to get no I guess I just I don't know I have you been living laughing and loving actually yes but yeah there's just been a struggle I've been by myself basically are all right the struggle. I've been by myself, basically. All right, the shame thing. I've never thought I'm good enough. I don't think I'm good enough, right? So I did. So you are a comic. Thank you. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:13:54 So I did the stupid, the competition in Austin thing. Fucking worse than this. Completely bombed, didn't make it to the next round, whatever else. What do you think went wrong there? Oh, God. And then let's get back to the next round, whatever else. So I said- What do you think went wrong there? Oh, God. Oh, dude. And then let's get back to your next round.

Starting point is 01:14:08 First of all, no one should have moved on. That was such, they began the show, the first person on the show brought like everybody. Right. So the first person up brought everybody, went over their time, they're completely eliminated. There's 13 people after that no one cared about. When I was last and I didn't give a shit,

Starting point is 01:14:24 I came up with a shit answer. Those of you that don't know, which I'd imagine is 99.7% of our listeners at least, there is a famous old competition here in Austin called Austin's Funniest Comic, which was a thing, which was a thing that mattered before this invasion of real comedians coming from LA and New York, more experienced people from a more tougher club in which has better performers,

Starting point is 01:14:58 so you have to be better to be able to be on the line up and stand out. So this Austin's Funniest Comic thing is still a thing that people try to win and try to get on, but it is based on, it is voted on by the audience, so people invite an audience to come. So the more people you know, the better your odds are of winning.

Starting point is 01:15:18 And Tim, by the sounds of your lonely, lonely diatribe, I'm guessing you got about nobody to go there, right? Oh, I didn't advertise it like that. I don't want to stack the audience. I like to win based on me being funny. Trust me, I get it. I did that once when I first started. There was a competition at the Ice House.

Starting point is 01:15:40 I got second place. I won a side of fries. I wore a shirt and tie for that. I thought I would be a shirt and tie comedian back in my first few weeks, literally, of doing stand-up. May 2007. Someone just poured a drink on their own head in memory of my side of fries.

Starting point is 01:16:00 Anyway, the shit's gone off. It's fucking... Can we get Cam back up here to talk shit to D Madness? No, I'm kidding, I'm kidding, Tim. So your competition goes awry and then what happens? We went way off base here. No, it's just, I don't know, I started questioning a lot of things,

Starting point is 01:16:16 hung up on myself. I don't know, just, I don't know, searching, you know? And now I've come out of it. And I don't know, I shot fucking two for 14 tonight, you know, that's what it is. Did a woman drive you to this competition? Pfft. Thanks, Wyatt.

Starting point is 01:16:40 Was that, okay. So, what was your drug of choice? I've been 15 years sober, so I'm just curious. I don't know. Whatever I was given, really. Yeah? You ever have a main thing? What I could get?

Starting point is 01:16:53 I mean, I just drank, which just led, like all the time, which just led to ventures. Hookers and fight clubs and Coke. And I turned down heroin. That's smart. Thank you. But yeah, it's mostly, you know, I was in New York a lot. So a lot of people just go and see the like, you know, sites. Well, I saw the sites that aren't on a map.

Starting point is 01:17:22 Let's put it that way. You know, Tim, I tried with this interview aren't on a map. Let's put it that way, you know? Tim, I've tried with this interview to dig us out of this deep hole that I take full responsibility for putting us in. I don't think it's you. I think it's me. But you know what I think? I think you need something to look forward to in life.

Starting point is 01:17:40 I think you need something to fire you up and tell you that things are gonna be okay. So how would you like to tell you that things are gonna be okay. So, how would you like to open up the... Yeah. Would you like to do better at the Secret Show Thursday? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:53 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You get a real spot on Thursday. Yeah. Look at that smile. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:02 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's a real smile there. Does that sound like fun, Tim? Yes. Michael, relax. Jesus Christ. Yes. The fuck? Are you just going to beat the fucking drum forever?

Starting point is 01:18:13 We believe in you, Tim. Short circuit? We believe in you. We know something's not right. We believe in you, Tim. So I would love to see you do better Thursday. Okay. There you go, Tim Warner, everybody. That's the first time where I was gonna be like,

Starting point is 01:18:31 you want to open up the secret show? I don't know why. All right. We're having fun. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Like a piece of ginger in between rotten sushi bites, she cleanses us with her spirit. Live, laugh, love. Isn't she live, laugh, lovely? All right, we got another bucket poll.

Starting point is 01:18:59 This looks like a new name. I hope it is. We've had a lot of old characters here tonight. Make some noise for Elaser Guzman. El- tonight. Make some noise for Eliezer Guzman. Eliezer... Eliezer Guzman. -♪ Hey, everybody. My name's Elizar. Uh...

Starting point is 01:19:18 Ha-ha. Uh... Uh... He tried his best. Yeah, I probably shouldn't have smoked before this. You guys ever smoke and then feel like you're going to have a heart attack? I gotta stop smoking meth. Nah, I'm kidding. But I grew up Jehovah's Witness.

Starting point is 01:19:43 Oh, I never get that reaction. Usually even Mormons are like, yikes. So it made stuff like my birthday recently really weird. I just recently turned 34. Thanks, been freaking out about it. Felt like I hadn't had enough sex in my life. So my last month of being 33, I was just trying to go on as many dates as possible.

Starting point is 01:20:06 And this last date I went on, this girl was like, look, I wanna have sex tonight, but I have a UTI. And I said, look, I don't care what school you went to. I don't care what school you went to. I don't care what school you went to. I don't care what school you went to. I don't care what school you went to. I don't care what school you went to.

Starting point is 01:20:22 I don't care what school you went to. I don't care what school you went to. I don't care what school you went to. I don't care what school you went to. I don't care what school you not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 01:20:30 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 01:20:38 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. It looks like E-Liazar or E-Liazer. Yeah, it's how we want it. People say that a lot? Yeah, people say it like that.

Starting point is 01:20:46 When they read it? Yeah, usually. About 100% of the people that read it. Just making sure. You tried to make me look like a fool there. I know. Um, Elazar, obviously. How long you been doing stand-up?

Starting point is 01:21:01 11 years. 11 years? Awesome. Where at? New York City, New Jersey, all over the country. Fantastic. You live in Austin now? I live in Austin, yeah.

Starting point is 01:21:12 For how long? Eight months. Eight months. What do you do for work? I work at NADC Burger. Whoa. Whoa. NADC?

Starting point is 01:21:21 Not a damn chance. That is one of the best burgers in the entire city, owned by our very good friends. You have fun working there? I love it there. A lot of pride. It's a great place. Amazing. You get high on your own supply, you eating the burgers over there? Oh yeah. So addictive. I'm broke as fuck, so I eat a burger every day. Yeah. Amazing. You getting a lot of spots around town? Not really really I just kind of make my own shows I've been producing

Starting point is 01:21:48 for a while so yeah I love that very smart you if you put on a good show and book the people that you think are funny eventually it will pick up steam is it a weekly show yeah I have three right now. Very smart. This is what I think more people should do and try, especially if you're a more experienced comedian at 11 years. How long were you doing it in New York for? Pretty much the whole time, except for the past eight months.

Starting point is 01:22:18 Right. What was the part where you set in all around the country? So I did some tours through Tennessee and New Orleans, Texas, but just bar shows, Arizona. Very cool. Very cool. What were you doing for work? Did any one of those people pronounce your name right?

Starting point is 01:22:38 No. Yeah, it seems like they wouldn't. Yeah. Eliezer. Eliezer. Eliezer. What were you doing for work in New York City? Just introduced him as 9-11. No.

Starting point is 01:22:50 No. I was a busser. A busser. A busser. A busboy. Mm-hmm, yeah. But you say a busser, like you're not a boy at all. Yeah, no.

Starting point is 01:23:05 I say bus man. So yeah. Absolutely. What else about your life? I write stories. What kind of stories? Short stories and novels. Nice.

Starting point is 01:23:21 Been doing that for most of my life. You do that like on a typewriter or a computer? Mostly on my phone. What's your love life like? You seem like a good looking guy. Not great. I'm a little awkward. Yeah?

Starting point is 01:23:38 Yeah. So, you know, I fucked once since I've been out here. It's all that matters. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck once. That's all you need. How about love? When's the last time you were in love? Have you ever been in love? Yeah. A couple times.

Starting point is 01:23:56 Yeah. Yeah. How long ago was that? Maybe like two or three years ago. All right. What happened there? She was psycho. So yeah. That happens.

Starting point is 01:24:09 Yeah. That happens every once in a while. Is she a bad driver? No, but she carried a gun. In New York City? No. Yeah, actually New Jersey. She's from New Jersey.

Starting point is 01:24:21 That makes sense. Yeah. Yeah. That's not a psycho. That's just New Jersey. She's from New Jersey. Oh, that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, that's not a psycho. That's just New Jersey. Ha ha ha. Elazar. What is that? Are you Mexican? No, I'm Puerto Rican. Ah, nice. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:24:37 Yeah. Yeah. My favorito. My favorite. I hear they're garbage. No, nobody heard that. Nobody said anything. I haven't seen that at all anywhere at any point. No one's ever said such a thing.

Starting point is 01:25:00 Have you been to Puerto Rico? No. I have. Ha ha ha! Pfft! Ha ha ha! At one point it was one of my favorite vacation spots. What happened?

Starting point is 01:25:28 Had to get a president elected real quick. No big deal. Just had to do my due diligence. Shut up. Shut up. Thank you, Tony. You're welcome, Mr. President. You're welcome. Anytime.

Starting point is 01:25:49 Anytime for you. So are your parents obviously both Puerto Rican? Uh, no, my mother is Puerto Rican, and my stepfather is Mexican. Okay. Did you talk to your mom about any of the incidences that happened a few weeks ago? With what? No.

Starting point is 01:26:09 With my thing? She kind of stopped giving a shit about the political stuff a while ago, so... She didn't, but, I mean, Puerto Rico was in the news. She's been to Puerto Rico. I've been avoiding saying anything about it, honestly. Perfect. Yeah. It's a lose-lose situation.

Starting point is 01:26:23 Yeah. And look at you now. Little does she know that I just gave you the biggest opportunity of your life. It all comes full circle, just like an island. Ha-ha! All right. Fun times, nice to meet you.

Starting point is 01:26:39 Welcome to the show. Here's a brand-new Bones Eye leather, real Texas leather, joke book. And that is the Kill Tony debut of Elazar Guzman, the only Elazar spelled E-L-E-A-Z-A-R. E-L-E-A-Z-A-R. Another bucket poll. This looks like a fun name. It's a three-word name with pretty silly handwriting.

Starting point is 01:27:06 So this is a good sign. Make some noise for what I believe is the Kill Tony debut of Eric Ray Stone, everybody. Eric Ray Stone. Hi, everybody. So I'm originally from Miami, which I know is the last thing you expect somebody that looks like this to say. Yeah, I've felt it a lot better since I moved to Austin. But, you know, most people that are born and raised in Miami feel like any place

Starting point is 01:27:38 is better than Miami, you know, like most places. But then I moved to Baltimore in the middle of the winter. And you know what's not better than Miami? Fucking Baltimore in the middle of the winter. Yeah. Like, even the bridge was like, "'Fuck this. I can't take it anymore.'" Like, let's be honest. Baltimore is just Detroit that got crabs. That's it.

Starting point is 01:28:01 And when I moved to town, I only knew one person in town, which was an old ex-girlfriend. And about a week before I moved there, she goes, "'Listen, I got to tell you something. I've been working as a stripper, and I know. You told me you were a bartender and got a concussion. That shit don't happen. But also, I've been working as an escort.'"

Starting point is 01:28:24 I said, "'Okay, great.'" She said, "'But I don't like been working as an escort. I said, okay, great. She said, but I don't like people calling me an escort or a sex worker. I think of myself as a service provider. I was like, nah, bitch, AT&T is a service provider. You a hoe. Let's keep it real. All right, thank you. That's been my time. Eric Ray Stone, welcome to the show.

Starting point is 01:28:44 Thank you, Tony. Hell, yeah. Your hair and everything, Eric Ray Stone, welcome to the show. Thank you, Tony. Hell yeah. Your hair and everything, it seems like you would be crazier than you are. You like got it together. Fuck yeah. Yeah, you look like you're going to tell a bunch of people to go kill Sharon Tate. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:29:00 Yeah. You do look, you have cult leader energies, but you're just a everyday nice guy That's right. I love it Eric Ray Stone. How old are you Eric? I'm 30 30. Yeah. Hell yeah Yeah, I know years have not been kind to me have they what's been going on You have a cane for those of you listening to the podcast like D madness is he has a cane I? Have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome. What I have Ehlers-Danlos syndrome what is that Ehlers-Danlos syndrome EDS it means my connective tissue sucks the only famous person I know that has it has Billie Eilish but I don't have her

Starting point is 01:29:33 teta so nobody gives a shit so your connective tissue like your tendons and they like is that what that means yeah tendons ligaments and cartilage so you you tear them a lot? Yeah. When I was younger, I played a lot of sports and did a lot of really stupid things. So I thought I was just getting injured because I was doing really stupid things.

Starting point is 01:29:53 Yeah. Yeah, it turns out, no, God has a sense of humor, too. You're like Mr. Glass. Yeah, exactly. Except he looks like a guy that would hang him. Pfft. You try fish oil?

Starting point is 01:30:07 Oh, fish oil. Very good, Redban. Very good. What if that cured you right away? No, no, shit. This whole fucking time. Stand up like grandpa in the Willy Wonka in the Chocolate Factory. We love a good old doctor, Red. Redban over here recommending fish oil or Wendy's at 4 a.m. These are Redban's list of vitamins. Eric Ray Stone how long

Starting point is 01:30:35 you been on stand-up? A little over three years now. A little over three years you start here Baltimore Miami. I started in Miami and then I went up to Baltimore for quite a bit of time and then I went up to Baltimore for quite a bit of time. And then I came back to Miami and was working at the Improv for a couple years down there. Interesting. The Miami Improv. Man, amazing. Was I ever there when you were there?

Starting point is 01:30:57 You were. Yeah, sounds about right. Were you working the sound booth? Front door. They had you at front door. Dangerous position for a man with EDS. Mm-hmm. Psst.

Starting point is 01:31:08 Uh, did you look like that when you were in Miami? I'm sorry? You look like, you look like, you look like that, you're the only guy that looks like that in Miami. Yeah, pretty much. You and Jorge Masvidal. Yeah. Okay, Eric.

Starting point is 01:31:24 No, the other ones with canes are pimping his girlfriend. Amazing. How long have you rocked the cane? Ever since I had a hip reconstruction that didn't exactly go great. What happened? Well, I was supposed to heal from the surgery and I didn't, so.

Starting point is 01:31:40 Did you try fish oil? Yeah. You did. Cucumber. Yubo butter. Ironically, they actually make you stop fish oil before you go into surgery. That's one of the things they're really specific about. I was like, that's odd, but okay.

Starting point is 01:31:58 Yeah, interesting. No explanation for why they made you stop fish oil? No, there was an explanation, but I smoke a lot of weed, so I don't remember exactly what it was. That makes sense. Do you live in Austin now? I do. I just moved to town about a month ago. How do you like it so far? I'm loving every minute of it. What's a guy like you do for fun around here?

Starting point is 01:32:16 I know everybody else said hikes earlier, I'm guessing. Putting on the ritz? Yeah. Pfft. Look at him cracking up over here. Look at him just dying of laughter. That was fucking funny. What do you do for fun in Austin, Texas?

Starting point is 01:32:41 Well every day since I've been here, comedy. But I've actually been hanging out at Sunset Strip a lot. I've got a lot of friends that work there. Look at that. Look at that. I'm bringing some fish with me. All right. Tell us something crazy about your life, Eric. What's a fun fact that would surprise us about you? You ever do anything crazy or see anything crazy or family or anything?

Starting point is 01:33:02 Yeah, so I found out not too long ago that apparently a lot of my family that was in Cuba that are now millionaires here were political prisoners because we were very fond of explosives and not so fond of communists. So yeah, I did not know that. Can you really just spell out what you just said? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:33:23 I'd prefer not to because there's, you know. Okay. All right. Well, he makes bombs, and he looks like a guy who makes bombs. Yeah. Looks like he just finished his manifesto before he walked out here. And I mean that with love.

Starting point is 01:33:40 That and the Ten Commandments. Ha-ha. Yeah, you've been moseying along. Uh, Eric, you have a look to you that is incomparable to most. Does this, uh, do you go on dates and stuff? Do you have a...

Starting point is 01:33:56 Yeah, actually, I went on a date with one of the most beautiful women I've ever met about two weeks ago. How'd it go? Uh, great. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha met about two weeks ago. How'd it go? Great. Eric, Ray Stone, not a fan of the organ music on that beat there. How'd it go? What'd you guys do? You went to a... We went out to a bar with her friends and then we went dancing, which was not very dancing for me. It was like... That was her telling you to leave. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:34:27 Well, yeah. I should have taken the hints. We're gonna go dancing if you wanna go. You're like, sure, let's fucking go. I like a challenge. What can I say? What can I say? What can I say?

Starting point is 01:34:41 What kind of... We're gonna run a marathon. What kind of dancing was it? Was it like Latino music or? No, it was Texas two-step, and I have no idea how to do that. Yeah, you can barely take one step. Yeah, I know. This is incredible.

Starting point is 01:34:55 This is absolutely amazing. You didn't know how to do it, but did you learn? Did she show you? Um, she tried. Have you guys talked since then? Does this look like something that's gonna continue? Probably not.

Starting point is 01:35:08 I told her way too much about my family and history, so yeah. You explained to her whatever you have said? Yep. All right, that'll do it. Yeah, what's funny is we then made out afterwards. So it didn't seem like a deal breaker, but then she blocked me the next day. Oh, well, there you go.

Starting point is 01:35:26 That's what happens when you cane blast a girl. Mm-hmm. It's probably all from the fish oil. You probably have horrible breath. All right, the fish oil. Very good. The running fish oil joke that literally only you laughed at. Yeah! Callback.

Starting point is 01:35:42 Um, I love it. Let's do a big joke book for you, Eric Ray Stone. There it is. And there he goes. On to the next one we go. You guys still having fun out there? Very interesting bucket pulls this episode. A lot of names we've seen before. This is a back to back three word name. Very interesting, a very rare treat, three word name. Back to back, two in a row. Make some noise for Jerry Debo Smith, everybody. Jerry Debo Smith.

Starting point is 01:36:21 Ah, the whites. D'bo Smith. -♪ Ah, the whites. Yeah! Hey, a lot of people can't tell by looking at me, though. I'd like to tell people this all the time, but I'm actually mixed myself. My mom is white. My dad is black. So a lot of pros and cons to being a mixed kid.

Starting point is 01:36:39 Like, the biggest con to being mixed is that I got high blood pressure and mesothelioma. That's fucked up. Y'all laughing, but some mornings, I don't know what the fuck wrong with me. And here's the best part. This is the part I like the most. I have a big dick and a high credit score.

Starting point is 01:36:54 Brr, brr, brr, brr. My eyes up here, nigga. Get the fuck out of here. All right, I'm lying. Listen. My dick is huge, but my credit is fucked up, son. My dad told me a long time ago when I was a kid, he said, it doesn't matter if you got good credit if your dick big. You'll find some fat white woman to buy you anything you want. I said, niggas, you talking about my mother?

Starting point is 01:37:23 I almost whooped his ass that day. That was the day. Thank you. Wow. One of the performances of the night. The Kill Tony debut of Jerry Bebo Smith. Eagles Nation, my nigga. All right. You from Philly? No, I'm from D.C., but I live in San Antonio. Eagles Nation, my nigga. All right, you from Philly? No, I'm from D.C., but I live in San Antonio.

Starting point is 01:37:47 Okay, welcome, welcome. How long have you lived in San Antonio? Well, I started my career in San Antonio in 2010. They got my picture on the wall that laugh out loud. Okay, very good. Very good. I know he ain't asking me that, but I feel like a nigga got to shine.

Starting point is 01:38:02 He got to shine. Hell yeah. Is your picture on the wall anywhere else, Jerry? Perhaps a convenience store or something like that. No sir. No sir, I ain't never been to jail, not a day in my life. And I'm caught up on my child support

Starting point is 01:38:21 for the rest of you motherfuckers too. I love it. How many children do you have, Jerry? I have three. Okay. And they all got their own mother because they need special attention. If you're gonna have them, that's how you have them. That is fucking funny. Yeah, thank you.

Starting point is 01:38:50 I've never heard that twist on being a terrible father before. You're a funny guy. Thank you, I appreciate that. So you've been doing it about 14 years. 14 in November, yeah. I love it. It is November. Yeah, I appreciate that. So you've been doing it about 14 years. 14 in November, yeah. I love it, it is November. Yeah, oh, shit. Oh, upcoming November.

Starting point is 01:39:10 No, oh shit, last month then. I missed it. October, October, fuck you. Congratulations, congratulations Jerry. I've been over there for two hours. I love it. Jerry Debo Smith, why do you go by three names? Because like a lot of my name is Jerry Smith

Starting point is 01:39:28 because I'm fucking white. My mom thought that shit would be cool. And the hood is a DC. So I had to smack a lot of niggas around to get Debo and the name and shit. So that's my real nickname. So I like to go by my nickname when I'm on stage. I don't want to go by Jerry Smith.

Starting point is 01:39:41 Nobody would come see me. I like it though. I get it. You have a Debo hoodie, but it's with Seinfeld. Yeah, that's my favorite show, man. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to talk over you and shit. No, that's great. But that's me sitting on Seinfeld couch

Starting point is 01:39:52 smoking a blunt and shit. You know what I'm saying? I love it. That's my merch. If y'all want to buy it, jerrydebosmith.com. Seinfeld's really your favorite show? Yeah, that's my favorite show. Wow, you really are a Jerry Smith.

Starting point is 01:40:03 Yeah. That is the one. The last per minute on that show is fucking amazing, bro. Is that really your favorite show? Yeah, it's my favorite show. Wow, you really are a Jerry's fan. Yeah. That is the one. The last per minute on that show is fucking amazing, bro. I totally agree. You ever watch Golden Girls? Yeah, I do. Yes, I do.

Starting point is 01:40:13 Yes, I do. LPMs for dates. Like, shit. I swear. Your mom picked the television, didn't she? No, I did. That's my favorite show. Yeah, my mom died way before Sanfield came on.

Starting point is 01:40:23 Oh, Jesus. Sorry. No, it's all good. Yeah, my mom died way before Seinfeld came on. Oh, Jesus. Sorry. No, don't... It's all good. How did your mom die? Uh, 1995. She had, uh... Oh, no. Seinfeld was banging. What? Did it after it started in, like, 89. I mean, 98.

Starting point is 01:40:36 I'm sorry. I'm high, dawg. This nigga a samurai? All right. What the fuck? He say, what the fuck? And I look back, and this nigga, a samurai on the drums. All right. We both fucked up over here. A sleeveless samurai.

Starting point is 01:40:54 Get that nigga. I'm sorry. I don't mean to... They told me not to talk over y'all. Let me shut the fuck up. I feel weird being up here, because I feel like I'm for sale. There's too many white people in here. You're doing great. You're doing great.

Starting point is 01:41:09 You're not for sale. Okay, all right. Just know I got bad knees, nigga. I ain't going in the fields. You got better knees than the last guy. Ha-ha-ha! Hey. Hey. I seen him. That's funny and shit.

Starting point is 01:41:27 Hell, yeah. I'm gonna be quiet. I'm waiting for you now. It's your turn. You're doing good. You're doing good. Let the laughter die. Let it die. Anyway, when did your mom die? In 1995. But how? How did she die? Uh, kidney failure.

Starting point is 01:41:41 Oh, my goodness. Did she have... Yeah, yeah, yeah. Y'all can see a nigga kill somebody here tonight. Did she have diabetes or? No, no, she didn't. She was white. Diabetes is on my dad's side.

Starting point is 01:41:54 That's on the other side. Oh, okay. Okay. She just had random kidney failure? How did that happen? No, well, she's... I don't want to put her business out there, but she used to smoke cocaine and shit, you know, shit like that.

Starting point is 01:42:03 Oh, okay. It's all right. Yeah, she met your dad. Yeah, honestly, yeah, yeah, yeah. You ain't wrong though. It ain't like he wasn't a drug dealer and shit. Red Band is wondering how to have kidney failure from cocaine. Is that a common thing? I don't know anything about it.

Starting point is 01:42:18 Oh, well, no, I just, I don't know. I don't think that's, I mean, she used to do, that's the only thing I can say, you know what I'm saying, that she used to do drugs and she had no other problems can say, you know what I'm saying, that she used to do drugs and she had no other problems other than that. She was snorting it wrong. Snorting it wrong, I probably was. I didn't come here to kill nobody,

Starting point is 01:42:32 but I'm about to kill one of these four niggas on this day. What is? I got one more mama joke and I'm gonna fuck somebody up. Show y'all why my name is Deebo. Oh shit, Jerry, relax, Jerry. I'm just playing, I'm just playing, I'm just fucking with y'all. I'm is Deebo. Oh shit. Jerry, relax. Jerry. I'm just playing, I'm just playing. I'm just fucking with y'all. I'm having fun.

Starting point is 01:42:47 Yo mama so fat. Oh my goodness. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Starting point is 01:42:54 Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. The nigga all the way in the corner talking shit. I wouldn't be able to, look, the police, I wouldn't be able to get to you and shit. Hey, Devo. Yes, sir. You should take his chain.

Starting point is 01:43:06 That shit fake. Oh, shit. That's shining like a motherfucker. That's fake, and your eyes cross a little bit. They got you, my nigga. It was close. It was a close call. Yeah. Are all your kids in one city?

Starting point is 01:43:27 No, no, my oldest son is 13 and my daughter is 12 and they live in Virginia. And my son, I have a seven year old here in Texas. Hey, hey, hey, hey. All right. OK, that's right. We can't play that anymore or else YouTube will get us in trouble. Um, all right.

Starting point is 01:43:46 So, so interesting, Jerry. So, so funny. Amazing stuff. First time you've seen a comic from San Antonio will be funny, huh? Oh, we've had a couple. We've had a couple. I watched the show. I watched the show, and them motherfuckers are laying.

Starting point is 01:44:00 You might be the best. You might be the best. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Yes, what's up? And here's the big joke book. Sign up again. Come back. We need people like you. Jerry Nebo Smith. -♪ What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry?

Starting point is 01:44:19 What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? What's up, Jerry? All right, we're gonna fly through these last two bucket pulls real quick. Turbo rounds. Brand new minute coming at you. This looks like another new name. Make some noise for Sam Cokes, everybody. Sam Cokes.

Starting point is 01:44:33 Do you ever see like a super cut homeless guy and just feel terrible about yourself. Fuck the gym. I'm gonna start fighting my demons on street corners. That's some high intensity interval training right there. I had a date recently. It was a first date. The topic of hobbies came up. Now, I like hunting, but what's worse is I can only really afford to hunt squirrels.

Starting point is 01:45:03 So, yeah, I mention that. And there's nothing to gain by admitting you're a squirrel hunter on a first date. Yeah, that is a lose-lose situation, if you're wondering. Because death or spawn, like this gal did, which was, oh, my God, get this redneck asshole away from me.

Starting point is 01:45:22 Or, or they can be into into it which I think is worse somehow if they're like oh my god you kill rodents and skin them and eat their flesh wow you're such a provider that's and so masculine that that that could be dicey that could be dicey I don't know if I'm equipped for that but that's my time guys thank you Sam Cokes hello Hello Sam. Hello. How are you? How long have you been on stand up? Almost a year. Where at? Mostly in Austin. Where before that? Oh you know Shakespeare's. No but where before Austin? Oh a little in Detroit but mostly here in Austin. Is that where you're originally from? No, I'm from Ontario, Canada. A town called Sarnia.

Starting point is 01:46:05 Yes. What is it? Sarnia? Sarnia. Yeah, like Narnia with an S. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, got it. Mm-hmm. Is someone booing you? There you go.

Starting point is 01:46:15 Yeah, what the hell, man? What the fuck? You do look a little Trudeau-esque, I will say that. You got the fucking creepy... I've got that before. Yeah, I bet. Throw on some blackface've got that before, yeah. Yeah, I bet. Throw on some blackface, we'll know for sure. Yeah, right?

Starting point is 01:46:27 Ha ha ha ha. We're gonna find out if it Trudeau, you know what I'm saying? Aw. Ah, what do you do for work? I do sales, Tony. What are you selling, Sam? Uh, eight.

Starting point is 01:46:40 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I do HVAC sales. I'm going door to door. Selling, that's right. I know. I realize, I feel like I'm leaving a wake of like mildly annoyed people behind me the whole time. I haven't really reconciled that, but it's fun. I enjoy it. Tell us the craziest thing about your life. Well, the craziest thing, I mean, I lived in a van in Australia for a year. Why?

Starting point is 01:47:03 Yeah, so that was kind of, that was exciting. But why? I was planting trees there. I was planting trees in Australia. Oh, why? For money. You got paid to plant trees? It's a good coin.

Starting point is 01:47:15 Yeah, a lot of people think it's volunteer work, but you actually get paid per tree. And once you get good at it, it's actually pretty good. How much do you get paid for planting a tree in American money? It never plant the trees. You're only Canada and Australia. But it's like, very recently, 10 to 25 cents per tree. But you plant thousands a day, so it adds up.

Starting point is 01:47:35 Even the Mexicans are like, what the fuck? Ha ha ha ha. See all of their faces just like, dude, what dude? Dude, that's fucking cheap dude. Get the fuck out of here, what the fuck? You guys ever hear of something so crazy? White boys planting trees for a dime? Wow.

Starting point is 01:48:01 I guess people do come here to do the white people jobs. Here's the thing though, you plant thousands a day. Okay. Wow. I guess people do come here to do the white people jobs. Here's the thing though, you plant thousands a day. Okay. So you know, you can make pretty good, pretty good money. It's hard work, but it's fun. You have to live in the middle of nowhere, have crazy parties in the bush with a bunch of weird hippie people.

Starting point is 01:48:16 It's cool. Very cool. That's $100. Yeah. Yeah. But I guess that's a lot for a little Canadian boy. What do you think is the most Canadian thing about you? Most Canadian thing about me?

Starting point is 01:48:29 I don't know, man. I didn't play hockey. That's pretty Canadian. I think planting trees, man. Like, that's pretty Canadian. Yeah, that is. I have a lot of trees. Most Canadian thing about me, man.

Starting point is 01:48:40 I don't know. That I hate Trudeau. I think that's pretty Canadian. That's pretty, that's the consensus these days. Like, that guy kind of sucks. Were there any black people where you were raised? No. No.

Starting point is 01:48:52 Were there any Mexicans? No Mexicans either. No. What's heaven like? Yeah, exactly. Amazing. This is... Amazing. This is... I enjoyed it.

Starting point is 01:49:09 I don't know why I left, honestly, in hindsight. It was pretty good up there. Sounds quiet. Ha-ha. Sam, here's a little joke book. We're flying through the rest of this episode. There goes Sam Cokes, everybody. Got through a lot of bucket pulls tonight.

Starting point is 01:49:29 This is our 10th and final bucket pull of the night. This young lady's been on this show before. It's been a long time. Make some noise for a brand-new minute from Gina Hyena, everybody. Gina Hyena. -♪ I'm not even goth. I just dress like this because my hair is so long. Gina Hyena. -♪ Oh, I'm not even goth.

Starting point is 01:49:47 I just dress like this because my ex used to hit me. Everyone's in a while of somebody come out after the show and be like, that's awful. You don't deserve that. And it's just like, get to know me better, you know? It's... It's my fault. It's totally my fault. Not just because I talk back, but it's my fault. It's totally my fault. Not just because I talk back, but it's my fault

Starting point is 01:50:08 because I dated a pimp for four years. Yeah, that should have been a fling. My dumbass tried to turn a trap house into a trap home. It's... Yeah, calm down. He wasn't black, Texas. It was a... I'm Italian. I couldn't do that to my Italian family, you know? Like, I could take a criminal home,

Starting point is 01:50:25 but I'm not gonna push it. It's... It is embarrassing. He was half Italian, half Jewish. Perfect crossbreed for a pimp. Strong backhand, but fiscally responsible. Embarrassing, embarrassing to hold it down for a cheap criminal.

Starting point is 01:50:43 Embarrassing to waste your 20s, your tight skin, your youthful outlook. Data guy that hits you when he didn't even play for the NFL. When I meet young girls, I tell them, date an athlete, just don't take the elevator. Thank you guys. Boom. One minute, nine seconds. Gina Hyena, punchline, punchline, punchline, punchline, punchline.

Starting point is 01:51:11 Amazing. Welcome back, it's been a long time since we've seen you, how's it going? Oh, great, I haven't been here, this is awesome. Fantastic, where you been? I've been in Philly, I live in New York now, I've been doing shows in San Diego, Albany. It's been fun.

Starting point is 01:51:25 I love it. I love it. Amazing. Amazing set. What else is going on? I mean, just trying to get into comedy. I gotta get more online. So this is awesome to be here.

Starting point is 01:51:38 It's awesome to see you guys in this. This is fucking fantastic. Fantastic set. Just trying to write, trying to bring it more to life. That's all true. Didn't you live here for a while? I did. I lived here 2018 to 2020.

Starting point is 01:51:51 So I moved down here out of the blue. That was actually because when I was dating that guy, some shit got hot, allegedly. And I moved to Texas, didn't know anybody. And then I started comedy a year later, because I was like, nobody knows me. I can have a stage name, whatever. And then lost my job during COVID,

Starting point is 01:52:09 had to move back to New York, and then everybody from comedy moved here. I've been kicking myself and trying to come back as much as I can. I love it. So you're hiding from a pimp on one of the biggest shows in the world? Entertainment podcast, comedy, allegedly, allegedly, yes. Yes, yeah. No, I think he quit. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us.

Starting point is 01:52:26 I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us.

Starting point is 01:52:42 I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure if you're going to be able to tell us. I'm not sure He went from and I didn't get one Gucci. Bought me Michael Kors once. That was the only time I thought I was gonna rat on him. Pimping to real estate? Yeah. Who goes from hoes to homes? So stupid. I'm not going, I'm not going hoes to homes with you. Our own inside jokes. It's nice you can find an industry to be a bigger piece of shit.

Starting point is 01:53:09 Yeah. For real. For real. No, actually, it wasn't even that that made me break up with him. He told me he wanted to get me pregnant. And that's when I finally pictured it from a third party perspective. He met my family, whole thing.

Starting point is 01:53:22 Did your doctor say try not to punch the baby? How else are you gonna know it's breathing? True. And if you shake him too hard, you don't know. I like the idea of coaching him, be like, slip right, you know? I know all his moves. Now, it's a... I got away from that, moved down here, moved back, got...

Starting point is 01:53:41 Are you dating anyone now? Yeah, I'm actually dating a psychiatrist. Not my psychiatrist, but I'm not that hot. No, he's great. He's great. He's awesome. I have no shit to talk about him. I could talk shit about dating down here all day.

Starting point is 01:53:56 How long have you been with this psychiatrist? About eight months now. And what's that like? Does he talk? He communicates. It's weird as fuck. Yeah, he like asks you about you, and then just sits there and listens?

Starting point is 01:54:09 He listens. Whoa. It's like Coco the Gorilla. Like he just like communicates back. It's weird as fuck. That's wild. Yeah. That is wild.

Starting point is 01:54:18 Yeah, I'm not used to it. Like the first time he ever asked me if I needed reassurance, I thought we were about to fight. Like I didn't know the fuck that was supposed to be like. That's amazing. Yeah, I'm his muse. It's um. Gina, you are very, very funny.

Starting point is 01:54:33 Red Band. Are you in town this week? I am. I'd love to have you back on the Secret Show. There you go. Love it. Another one. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 01:54:40 Thank you guys. It's been a while since we've seen you. Do you have one of these? Gina, you have one of these? There you go. Gina Hyena. Booyah. Follow her, eggs and hot sauce. The letter N, eggs and hot sauce.

Starting point is 01:54:54 All right, this is it. We did it. 10 Bucket Pulls Down. Absolutely fantastic episode of this show. There's only one way to put a ribbon on it. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you Kil Tony Hall of Famer, record holder for all-time appearances on the show, all-time interviews. A man like no other in the show's history. Tens and tens, perhaps hundreds of hours of entertainment given to us by who some people call the Memphis Strangler.

Starting point is 01:55:32 The Zip-Ick Zorro. The Vicar of the Vape Pen. The Vanilla Gorilla. The Virgin of Virginia. This is indeed the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. Tony, first off, you know I'm not a virgin and you know I don't smoke a vape in, so. And also just I hope the girl who's just on realizes that I think a lot of the time psychiatrists are psychopaths, so I hope she realizes that. I tried to join a gang, but I couldn't even pass her background check.

Starting point is 01:56:28 Uh... Despite repeatedly saying you would never do it, Joe Biden pardoned his son Hunter, and I'm going to be honest, I had no idea that knocking up a stripper after having sex with your dead brother's widow was a crime. It also shouts out to Hagrid in the crowd tonight. It looks like we got Hagrid from Harry Potter out there.

Starting point is 01:57:02 Okay. Employees at a Planet Fitness recently found a guy who had been dead in a tanning bed for three days. The good news is he smelled like shit. The bad news is he had... God damn it, I messed it up! Red band, why'd you play the song? Okay he was dead in the tanning bed for three days. The bad news is he smelled like shit.

Starting point is 01:57:23 The good news is his skin had a nice glow to it. Okay. Thank you. He has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. The biggest, reddest machine of them all. William lights out Thunderfuck Montgomery. So nice to be here tonight. We love you, William. Tony, we had a wonderful Thanksgiving.

Starting point is 01:57:48 Tony and I and Red Band, we spent Thanksgiving together. We did have a big wonderful Thanksgiving together. We had a big family Thanksgiving, family style. It was wonderful. Tony actually brought some really good baked ham and Red Band brought a bowl of marshmallows. Like the little marshmallows. It was like the dumbest, It was like the stupidest thing.

Starting point is 01:58:06 It's like what a little child would bring or something. It really was like the stupidest. But your ham, you did, Tony, was wonderful. And then I had a wonderful Native American Heritage Day after that. And, Tony, that's where I actually got my hair done. I went to a little... So I was able to, I told him to do it in rasta colors but

Starting point is 01:58:25 yes it is for Native American Heritage Day I was able to get it on Friday. Wow you see you looked like both a Native American and a pilgrim at the same time. Oh fun. But yeah it was fun. And then I've gotten to you're not going to want to hear this, Tony. I've gotten to prestige number seven and Call of Duty. We just experienced which Tony is is a pretty big deal. Most people I'm playing with in these in these game rooms or I don't know, prestige three or four or something.

Starting point is 01:59:02 I'm a prestige seven right now. So wow. Wow. Do you know about Call of Duty? I don't know, Prestige 3 or 4 or something. I'm a Prestige 7 right now, so... Wow. Wow. Do you know about Call of Duty? You're more of a Madden guy, right? Yes, sir. But Call of Duty, do you know about that at all? Oh, yeah, I don't play it, but I do know about it.

Starting point is 01:59:15 So, Prestige 7's pretty good, right? It's pretty impressive. Yeah. Along with that hairline. Pfft. No, that was like, that was a nice thing. That was a nice thing. Sketch is ready.

Starting point is 01:59:31 People are trying to start sketch chants out there in the crowd. His first time in front of a live audience has bullets in the chamber, ready to go. Absolutely ready to... Sketch, that was nice though, right? It was awesome. Yeah. What? What was... It was awesome. Yeah? What?

Starting point is 01:59:46 What was nice? No, you were being nice saying you were about to hairline. Like, there was like a nice thing, right? Oh, I like it. A little Ben Frank. Okay, help me, Tony. What's going on? You're doing good.

Starting point is 02:00:03 You're doing good. What's going on? I don't think anyone you're doing good. What's going on? I don't think anyone's ever referred to you as Ben Franklin like before, but I do see it and I'm surprised no one has. Yeah, my gosh, I'll take it. Right around Thanksgiving, it's fun, thank you. Maybe you guys can fly kites after this together.

Starting point is 02:00:20 Have you ever flown a kite before, William? Yeah, one time I was in Destin, Florida, Tony, and I was able to, they used to have those big spools that you could, big things of string for the kites, and I remember connecting two of those big spools together, and the kite got so high up in the air, and a storm came in, and I was having to hold the spool down by the sand, because it was shocking me, Tony.

Starting point is 02:00:41 It was up to that high, so I got a kite up really high one time. Did you look like that before? No, it was when I started losing my hair and... Wow. I like the... Okay. Okay, that didn't make sense.

Starting point is 02:00:59 You idiot, like I'm bombing up here. I'm not even in a good mood right now. Didn't make sense. I do like the green shirt. You're obviously winding up for the Christmas spirit. Perhaps you're gonna get more Christmasy each appearance this December. I am.

Starting point is 02:01:13 I am so excited. We are in the month of Christmas. We're in quarter four, month of Christmas. It is my favorite time of the year. So Tony, get ready for it. I'm gonna be getting even more Christmasy as we get closer to Christmas. So everybody get really ready for it. I'm gonna be getting even more Christmasy as we get closer to Christmas. So everybody get really excited for that.

Starting point is 02:01:28 Would you like to rattle off some of your favorite things about Christmas? Here he is, ladies and gentlemen, William Montgomery, rattling off some of his favorite Christmas things. What excites you about Christmas? Oh, my gosh. I mean, you get family and friends coming together. All right, obviously we're starting with the with the lighter stuff here

Starting point is 02:01:48 Yeah, it's gonna get more exciting as it goes. Here you go. I mean you get family and friends I mean sometimes you might get like Wait, Tony. Hold on my throat. I'm really still not doing okay. Just rattle stuff up doesn't matter You don't have to scream at William doing so Tony. And I have this horrible fever right now. I'm doing really bad right now. Really depressing. You can literally have said anything in the world other than that, it would have been better.

Starting point is 02:02:13 My mom's angel cookies. Really looking forward to those. I mean, we're talking. That's one thing. What else? Chocolate chip cookies. Oh, naming different types of cookies, ladies and gentlemen. This is not going as I expected it to go at all. What happened there?

Starting point is 02:02:29 You want to find out? What happened? It did happen. Were they all drunk or how'd you all knock it over? Oh, you had to have your arm around your lady there. We started talking about Christmas. This guy was trying to get cozy. Did the Asian guy with the nipples give everybody new COVID? Perhaps.

Starting point is 02:02:46 Perhaps. It could be a winter of death and danger for your families, according to Whitehouse.gov. Somebody was sick? Somebody talking on the microphone was sick? No. Cam cleaned it off, thank God. Because that's something I start thinking about, Tony. I'm like, oh my God, what if somebody before me is sick? It's like, I'm gonna get fucking sick up in this motherfucker. Like, sometimes I'm not even...

Starting point is 02:03:08 One guy could barely walk. Yeah. It's true. It's true. He had a cane, and, spoiler alert, it was not a candy cane. We're rattling off some of William's favorite Christmas things, but you could tell by the music and the sleigh bells. candy cane. We're rattling off some of Williams favorite Christmas things but you could tell by the music and the sleigh bells. Here he is with some more Christmas things. Master improviser William Montgomery. You can say anything

Starting point is 02:03:38 Christmas related. People are literally yelling out things. All you have to do is repeat them into the microphone for the millions of people watching at home. Here he goes, Christmas things with William Montgomery. You hear the sleigh bells? Here he goes. Perhaps the lighting is gonna help him rattle off some Christmas things.

Starting point is 02:04:00 To put a ribbon on this episode. Yeah! Candy canes and stickersickers Bars and Butterfingers and Snickers Bars and Candy Canes on Christmas Candy Canes and Snickers Bars and Snickers Bars and Candy Canes and Candy Canes at Christmas Christmas this year is going to be fun at my mama's house. We're going to get a dog for Christmas this year.

Starting point is 02:04:34 That's what my dad says. Okay. Wow! Amazing! William Montgomery. Okay. How loud can this place get for the great and powerful William Montgomery? We did it again.

Starting point is 02:04:49 This episode is brought to you by Zypix, our amazing sponsor. Here's some cinnamon Zypix for the holiday season. Some sweet whiskey for this guy. Some Zypix, ooh, peppermint watermelon. Is there perhaps a cool black guy? Nope, all right. It's going to a Latino, there you go, all right.

Starting point is 02:05:10 El Mocha. All right, there you go. A little Mocha, thank you, Zypix. The drawing from Ryan J. Heabel is in. How loud can this place get for Sketch, ladies and gentlemen? His first time in front of a live audience. Check his, I mean, you probably already follow him on Twitch and YouTube.

Starting point is 02:05:29 He's a global superstar, but if you don't follow him there, he streams DaveLandau.com. That's L-A-N-D-A-U.com. Hilarious tonight. He's on tour. Go to DaveLandau.com for tickets and check out Normal World on Blaze TV, featuring Dave Landau. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight over there. Oh, John Dees.

Starting point is 02:05:54 Look at that. That's you, John. That's what you look like. It is. That's good, right? We are gonna be auctioning that off after the show. We're gonna also auction off the painting. Oh!

Starting point is 02:06:11 What'd he say? Oh no, you're dead! Oh, shit. What'd he say? Nothing. John Deez on keys. How about one more time for the best stand band in the land, everybody?

Starting point is 02:06:27 We did it. Thank you all. Red band. Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com. Love you guys. This is it. This is your last chance to get this stream for, you have another week. Yeah, New Year's Eve. The stream is on sale. You're gonna wanna see it live. December 30th and 31st, completely sold out. Two arenas, we're doing it again here in Austin, Texas, the new comedy capital of the world. God bless you all and God bless the United States of America, thank you everybody. Good night. I'm out. Thank you. you

KILL TONY - #696 - SKETCH + DAVE LANDAU

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