KILL TONY - #701 - ANDREW DICE CLAY

Episode Date: January 21, 2025

Andrew Dice Clay, Whitney Cummings, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban. TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony Go to https://shopify.com/killtony to start selling with Shopify today. Download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup! https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey! This is Redback coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Get over Tony. It's time. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Bright Red Band, everybody! How about one more time for the best stand band in the land, everyone. They've been playing for you here in the live music capital of the world. That is Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez. Unbelievable. Big Mike is Michael Gonzalez. Unbelievable. Big Mike is with us.

Look at him, just bigger than ever. There's media Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. Generous John Dees on the keys. Everyone knows how generous he is. Known for his generosity. And how loud can, I mean, it's the real deal. What can I say? It is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh, yeah.

We're gonna have a lot of fun tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. We bet you didn't know. Our new train's panoramic windows are ideal for contemplating whether texting them back

so soon was the best decision. Get on board. Via Rail. Love the way. Hey Spotify, this is Javi. My biggest passion is music. And it's not just sounds and instruments. It's more than that to me.

It's a world full of harmonies with chillers. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. We're so done with New Year, New You. This year, it's more you on Bumble. More of you shamelessly sending playlists, especially that one filled with show tunes. More of you finding Geminis because you know you always like them. More of you dating with intention because you know what you want. And you

know what? We love that for you. Someone else will too. Be more you this year and find them on Bumble. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking episode? Wow. Every once in a while, you know, sometimes it's booked a month out, sometimes this, sometimes that, sometimes I find guests that day. This one has been on my calendar for a while and it has been a dream guest of mine since episode one. And you are here for his debut as a panelist on Kill Tony.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, especially starting at the Comedy Store, this is Comedy Store Royalty. He is undisputedly one of the greatest comedians of all time. He is the first comedian to ever, ever sell out an arena. Indeed, this is the first panelist appearance ever by the undisputed heavyweight king of comedy. This is Andrew Dice Clay!

Make some fucking noise for Dice! Oh my God. The real deal. The man, the myth. This is Andrew Dice Clay on Kill Tony. That's where you guys would get really loud at that point. Whoo! This is a test.

A very exciting moment for me, because Tony's been asking me since day one, and, you know, can I tell him what I used to think the show was? Yeah. I used to think that he was doing this show about murder. You know, like you see on TV with the, you know, I'm not into that. I would tell him I'm into stand-up. And he goes, no, it's just the name of the show, Dice.

So I figured it out now 11 11 or 12 years later You found out that it wasn't about murdering people Let me tell you something Tony one thing There are no two dice fans anywhere in the world anywhere that would ever argue going Oh oh, what college you think Dice went to? Just never going to happen. Well, you do know about stand-up, and that's why we are here.

Over 230 human beings signed up for a chance to get on this show. They have no idea who the guest is or is going to be. So when they turn around after doing a minute, they're going to be looking down the barrel of Andrew Dice Clay. Now, you don't know what that's like, to have to look at you after doing a set,

but let me tell you, this person's inside. That's interesting. So our first bucket pool will come from the inside. We're gonna watch people do 60-second sets. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Are you guys ready to start the first ever Kill Tony

with Andrew Dice Clay? We're gonna start it with a bang. I present to you a new minute from one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show to kick things off tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, how many of you are big fans of the show? Well, then you'll be happy to know. Kicking things off, a brand new minute from the one and only,

this is Cam Patterson, everyone. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! -♪ I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the one, I'm the in all of America is Rochester, New York, right? That place can get blown to smithereens. Fuck that place. And three weeks ago on Kiltone, I said, fuck Rochester, New York. And I got an Instagram story that I was tagged in. I'm gonna read to you, and this is what it said. He said, he said, Suck a dick.

You pussy, fuck wherever you from. I'll smoke yours in your face." I'm gonna translate that for white people now, because a lot of y'all look confused. He just said, "'Ain't mad, suck a penis. Fuck your hometown, and I'm gonna get a Cigarello, unravel it, put weed in, and smoke it

as if it was your dead homeboy.'" That's what he said to me. And so I responded, I ain't hard to find. And then I sent my tour dates after that. And then he said, nah, fuck you. I ain't paying to see you. You talking shit about my city.

And then he said, unless you get me here for free, stop talking shit about Rochester. And I'm gonna tell you something. I'm gonna tell you something about me, man. I used to be a thug. I was a street nigga. I was outside. I started doing stand-up comedy. I changed my life. I don't do that shit no more. I'm a good pal. I changed the leaf in my life.

I don't do that shit no more. So I told him, I said, listen, brother, next time I'm somewhere by you, they send me your first and last name, and I'll get you in the show for free, no problem." And he said, you do that for me? I said, yeah, he said, man, I'm a big fan of what you do, man. I just don't like that you were talking shit about my city

because I love my city. I said, I understand that, bro. I get it, because I love my city, too. And I hate somebody talking about my city. I'm sorry. Well, he doesn't know that, bro. I get it, because I love my city, too, and I hate somebody talking about my city. I'm sorry. Well, he doesn't know that when he comes to the show, we're going to beat the shit out of him. I've been camp out there, capsule.

Boom. Like that. There it is. I love it. Amazing. Fantastic. We're going to fuck that nigga up, man. We're it. Amazing. Fantastic. We're gonna fuck that nigga up, man. We're gonna fuck him up. It was a... I seen all the... What kind of bullshit is this, man?

But I get it. He don't like talking shit, but he a pussy, though. Fuck that nigga. And look, let me look in the camera when I say this, too. Fuck Rochester, New York, nigga. It is absolutely true. I fully endorse Cam's statements about anywhere in upstate New York. Yeah, definitely, too.

It is incredible for anyone to stay there after being born and raised there. You should have run for your lives instead. You probably settled down with the first person that said that they like you, too. And then you accidentally came inside of them and now you're stuck there forever in eternal hell while literally the rest of America laughs at you right now. It might seem like I'm crawling through your internet screen and talking directly to you, and that's because I am. Everyone in upstate New York, evacuate, evacuate.

You'll thank me later. There you go. For a Rod's Health Rochester, for garbage place, fuck all 207... I looked it up. 207... Okay, I can't do numbers that good. Wait, what do you mean by... I looked it up, but the numbers are hard for me. It's hard for me to get 200,000.

It was 200,473. Fuck all 207... You know what the fuck I'm trying to say? Fuck all of y'all in Rochester, New York. I have no idea what any of that was. I don't know if I endorsed that. I might. I was trying to say numbers, all of y'all, the Rochester New York. I have no idea what any of that was. I don't know if I endorse that, I might. I was trying to say numbers, but it's hard

when they get past, when they get the six of them bitches, nigga, numbers is hard. You said garbage place for a second. I said fuck garbage place, that's they food, and then I was trying to say name the population. Just making sure you're not getting me in any trouble here. I don't know of any garbage places, I've never heard of such a thing.

And I would never reference any people as garbage. However, if you're still watching from chilly upstate New York, just know that I was talking to you for that moment. Dice, what do you think about upstate New York? Well, it's not even about Upstate New York. Can I say something about him? Yeah. I did have a little talk with him New Year's Eve.

Yeah. And I want to say to all you people, people watching, that I really feel, because I've been watching him, and he's only doing it, what, three years? Three years, yeah. And this guy has more stage presence and knowing how to work the audience and how to perform and create new material every week, than I've seen out of a lot of comics doing it for 15 years.

So I really... I just really think that, you know, in a very short time from now, I know you're doing shows and theaters, but it's just gonna get bigger and bigger for him. that, you know, in a very short time from now, I know you're doing shows and theaters, but it's just gonna get bigger and bigger for him. That's what I believe. I completely agree. I'm not even kidding.

Hey! It is amazing. He just understands performance. What's that? No, like, you know yourself, like, a lot of comics will just come and they'll stand and just do it. You walk out of, let's say, the comedy store in two minutes. He works the room. He works the stage.

He's a true, true performer. It is amazing. Natural. Very natural. Since day one, it was always like that. Making me want to cry and shit, man. I appreciate that. Hell, yeah. I'm a dog. I don't cry, but that's maybe... I'm happy. Thank you. Thank you., man. I appreciate that, man. Hell, yeah. I'm a dog. I don't cry, but that's made me happy. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you. I appreciate that. The only guy crying at the end of this set should be the guy from Rochester. That message, too. Now, the funniest thing, I send it to my homeboy. I send it to my dog, my dog, Lil. My brother. You know what I'm saying? We'll be outside and shit.

How did you have the dog ready that quick? He don't even s- We big dogs around here, nigga, but I sent him a dog, Liam, right? I sent it to him. It sounded like a little dog. It sounded like a chihuahua. Yeah. What was that? There it go.

Yeah. Yeah. Soldier. Ah! All right. Yeah, real, real s- The fuck was that? All right. But I sent him my homeboy, Liam.

I sent him a picture. I sent his Instagram and shit. And then he- it was a picture of him and his girlfriend on his Instagram. And my dog just said, she look like she tired of you little bruh. What's her cash shop? I had that bitch in Florida by Saturday.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Why would you send the poor, innocent guy that DM'd you something? You sent that his profile off to your gang? Fuck that nigga, yeah, man. He said he was gonna smoke my dead friends in my face. Fuck that nigga, man. He said he was gonna smoke your dead friends?

That's what he said. That's what, at the end of the thing, I'm gonna smoke them dead in your face. What does that mean, that he's gonna turn them into ashes and then sprinkle the ashes into a blunt? And he would smoke them in front of you? And, like, blow the smoke in your face. Yes. So, fuck him. Fuck his bitch. Yeah.

Fuck his mama. Fuck his grandmama. Yeah. Fuck his auntie. Yeah. Fuck who he believe in as a lord. Even if it's God, don't do that, baby. Fuck that nigga, though. I agree. Amazing. Cam Patterson, way to get tonight started. And it has begun with a great, powerful set

from Cam Patterson. And now it begins. And our first bucket pull is from the inside. This could be any one of you that signed up. Ladies and gentlemen. Ooh, the lovely Heidi has arrived. Your first comedian goes by the name of Misty B, everybody. Misty B. There it is, indeed.

Coming from the middle. It has begun. Her table is very excited about this. Very much Price is Right energy. Coming from the middle table. She's one of you from the inside. Make some noise for her. I do believe this is the Kiltony debut of Misty B, everyone. Misty B. Hello, hello.

Okay, so I can't get up here and not recognize what today is. It's January 6th. For you, it's happy insurrection day. For the rest of Texas it's happy resurrection day. Tony I always knew that you and I had something a little bit in common whenever I was watching your Madison Square Garden and you said that Puerto Rico was garbage. I was like, I knew he knew my ex-husband. And then I watched your comedy special, and you talked about the fags and cunts,

and I'm like, oh my God, that confirms it. He definitely knows my ex-husband and his mother. So, um, that's all I got. That's all I got. That's all I got. That's all I got. That's all I got. That's all I got. That's all I got.

That's all I got. Misty B, everybody. The Killtony debut of Misty B. Misty, how long you been doing stand-up comedy? This is my first time ever. Okay, there you go. Welcome, welcome. What made you want to sign up today? Well, I am actually needing a kidney transplant

and I'm waiting on a list and it's really long. So I'm checking stuff off my bucket list. So you're here to try to, does anyone have a kidney that they would like to give away? We have the best fan base. What's your blood type? It looks like it's pretty thick. It is.

It's gravy. It's gravy. Very good. I was gonna guess icy. Red band you love icies. This is your future here. I'm just here because I need a guess icy. Red band, you love icies. This is your future here. I'm just here because I need a kidney transplant.

You got a little RFK Jr. in your voice, too. You got that shaky voice. I need a kidney transplant. I need some Alpis. What were your symptoms? For my kidney disease? Yeah. Yeah, Red Band's on the lookout here.

Had some kidney shit today, so I kind of freaked out. What do you mean you had kidney shit today? I got, like, I get my blood tested a couple times. Oh, God, tell us more. Yes. Your kidneys are a little weird, but it's crazy. Like, it's probably fine. Hold on a second, Misty.

Hold on. We're going full pause here. We've never had it come up where someone has an ailment and you're like, well, I am going through some, I'm going through some kidney shit today. Like, what? What are the odds that you're going through? This is clearly a sign from God. So weird.

We both look like vitamin D deficient. Yes, for sure. What are your symptoms? You are pale. Um, well, if you go pee and it looks like a draft beer, that's protein. And that's a big sign that you have it.

So you have a lot of bubbles in your pee. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. That's amazing. That's a fetish for some people. I have a lot of like, I get tired easy. Of course.

Especially where I'm at right now. I can tell. Yeah, Red Band definitely has kidney problems. He is exhausted all the time. It is incredible. Anything else? What were your... Let me ask you this. Let me ask you this for Red Band, because he's being a little shy right now.

Okay. I would love it if you two end up in hospital beds next to each other. We, craziest episode of Kill Tony ever. We gave each other our own shitty kidneys. Right. That'd be great if you guys transplanted to each other. We can do dialysis together.

Amazing. Okay, so tell us what have you been eating and drinking your life? Everything. Yeah, but seriously, what are your like real guilty pleasures that you think got you this way? Like me, sometimes right before bed, I get a little craving. You know what I have, I've been a naughty boy. I go for the chocolate covered pretzels sometimes right before bed. And I think to myself, this is so wrong. I shouldn't be doing this. But I'm a perfect specimen. Now, if I was you, it would be different.

I'd imagine I would really know like, fuck, I should not be drinking lemonade like this right before bed. So what is it exactly? So I actually have a disease that's called FSGS. So it's scarring. It's FSGS? Yes, it's scarring of the glomeruli of my kidneys,

which basically my kidneys let out the things that should stay in my blood and keep in the bad things in my body. And it builds up in my body and that's what makes me sick and tired. You're gonna die. Yeah. I've seen this before.

Bucket list. And Andrew Dice Clay. Dice, what do you think about her performance? I just think she has a lot of guts to walk out here. She literally does have a lot of guts. I'm looking at her right now. With everything you're going through, you know, with all the sickness and all, you know, I get sick a lot. And, um...

I had some stuff taken out. You know, through the years. You know. What's the thing you don't need? Um... Testicle. The gallbladder? The gallbladder.

See, she's like a doctor. She's medical. You had the gallbladder? The gallbladder! See, she's like a doctor. She's medical. You had the gallbladder taken out? Yeah. Okay. I gave the guy cash. I got no problems with your gallbladder. Yeah.

But yeah, to have the guts to come out here and just... I saw you were nervous. I get it. I was nervous coming out. I've never done Kill Tony, but you did a great job. You should be proud of yourself. Thank you. I appreciate that.

Let me ask you this, Misty. You're on the hunt for a kidney. How much longer do you have? Give us a timeline. How long will you be able to live if there was no kidney given to you? Well, the list right now is six and a half years long. Oh.

And... Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Oh. He's right. He's right. He's right. So six and a half years. Yeah. And what are we talking about? What type of bubbles are you at? How filled up is the toilet after you pee?

Oh, it's bad. It's bad, huh? It's bad. Oh my goodness. Can you imagine? Red Vans thinking of a bubble bath right now. This pig over here is like, I'll give you some kidney money. Come over.

Piss in my chest. But you look healthy. I mean, you said you were in good condition. I am. I am. I am. I need both of my kidneys, though, just in case. I have a lot of fun out there on these streets. And who knows?

I might blow one one day. Do you have DFBS or whatever it is? What's it called again? FSGS. FSGS. No, I don't even know what that is. It's called focal segmental glomerulosclerosis. Oh, wow.

I probably have that. Yeah. I probably have that. Yeah. I probably have that. Yeah. So real quick, before we get back to the show, I got to know, what exactly did the doctor say about your blood results and your kidney?

So I get like a full panel every couple of months of stuff. And they just said, oh, it's a little high, but that's within, like, that's probably fine. It's just normal flux. Your creatine? Yeah, I have a little bit higher. Oh yeah. Ladies and gentlemen in real time you're getting the diagnosis. You remember the episode where Red Band Fandaddy had a couple months to live? This is what's great about podcasting. There's nothing prepared. Anything can happen. That's right.

Creatine's connected, huh? Yeah, it is. It is. Yeah. All right. Well, Misty. Estrogen, I guess, also. I have a lot of that. Six and a half years. So, what, do you have a blood type or something? What are we, what are you in the, how can we help?

So, I am a positive a positive I just need somebody willing to donate a kidney And preferably in the Houston area Houston areas. I'm from Houston Yeah, and you can either call or go on the website. It'd be hilarious if she was from Rochester after all this We're just like if there's a good person out in Rochester willing to give a kidney. It's me the evil guy from earlier I didn't mean what I said, please Form and bring in my own kidney. What was your question dice? Houston's like your neighborhood? Well, I mean, we would... Like if you're in Dallas or Santa... Like you're not interested in the kids?

I don't get that. Uh... I mean... I mean, the girl has FNTS. Yeah. Isn't that what it... What's it called? FSGS. What's that? FSGS.

Oh, that's the... I'm thinking FNTS. Friday night clock session. It's a whole different thing. Yeah. You know, but they just need to go online to the Houston Methodist website or call. And my name's Misty Boudreaux, and they can just sign up and start getting evaluated.

So you're telling me that right now, there is actually a way that if they request that they will only wanna give their kidney to one person, that they can actually give it. I think we're gonna save this lady's life. Oh my God. This is bad for the show. There's gonna be a bunch of people

with like eyes falling out and shit coming on. I didn't really ever care about stand-up. I need a fucking... A fucking dotty here. Please, God, I know I'm not funny at all. But please, fuck. My asshole. I don't know.

Do you have, like, a reward for it? I'll ship it 40 bucks. Oh. There you go. Red band just wants bubbly piss pics. All right. Well, there you go. Misty Boudreaux in Houston. A positive.

Yeah. I have the feeling 99% of our fan base doesn't even know what blood type they are, so. It doesn't matter. So they do paired donations. So if somebody wants to donate in my name, they would find another donor. Oh, they would trade with an A-positive.

And they do a paired donation. Oh, my God. Well, I'll tell you this. Whoever in Houston... Yeah. Whoever in Houston donates their kidney will put you on a guest list for a Kill Tony show. How about that? And here you go.

Here's a big joke book for Misty. There you go. She caught it like it was FSGS, everybody. There you go. Misty Boudreaux. There you go, Misty Boudreaux. There you go. Her first time on a comedy stage, and most likely her last, everybody. She's not gonna be with us much longer.

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to start a business than right now. It's 2025, let's do this. Now's the time, I started Killtony and look how that turned out for me. Best decision I ever made. I love being my own boss and more importantly, I love being Red Band's boss and being your own boss has never been easier with Shopify. Red Band, yeah.

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Just by pure luck, your next comedian goes by the name of Carl Kers everyone. 230 cold souls at a bar across the street wondering why the hell the show hasn't started yet. As both bucket pulls are from the inside. Where's Carl? We got movement? Okay.

Here he comes. I'm gonna pre-pull the next name. Oh, this is taking forever. Shout out to our, okay, the next one's Inside 2. That's crazy. Is this like their seat number? Can you wrangle them so that it doesn't take as long? It's not.

Oh, okay. All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise. Another insider. Make some noise for Carl Kurz, everybody. Here we go. Carl Kurz. -♪ -♪

What's up, guys? I have a kidney, but it also has hep C, so... Um, I got picked on a lot in middle school, and I got made fun of a lot. I don't know if you could tell by looking at me. I tried to cover up most of my shame with tattoos. This big fucking crow tattooed on my head. You don't get a crow like this tattooed on your head

unless you've been called a f*** it one too many times. Well, I can just crow on my head, and I'm like, who's a f*** it now, Bryson? Not me. Anyways, I started doing drugs, and inevitably I went to prison. And I didn't want to go to prison poor, so I took a couple things up my ass with me.

Took 30 methadone, two ounces of weed, half a can of bugler, rolling tobacco, a can of bugler. And when I got there, I was a popular kid all of a sudden. I wasn't getting picked on anymore. I guess that's all my time. Was there more? Did you want to do more? Go ahead. Oh, that was it? All right, you were just naming stuff that you shoved up your ass.

Yeah. I thought you were getting like a that you shoved up your ass, okay. I thought you were getting like a punchline or something. There was more, but yeah. Okay, well, if you wanna do the rest, do the rest. It's long. How long? I don't know, 15 seconds? Well, go, do the 15 seconds.

Jesus, we spent 15 seconds telling you to do the fucking 15 seconds. So the worst part about shoving all those drugs up my ass was all the times I went to court and didn't go to prison. Like, fucking, yeah. Yeah, it's very important that you do that part. That's called the punch line. Right.

All of that was set up. You're just naming things, you shoved up your ass. I had a feeling there was something more there. Welcome, welcome. I'm nervous. Fun stuff, you did very good. Thank you. Good job, Carl.

You rolled right off of the lady's kidney, right into it. How long you been on standup? First time. Really? Wow. Wow. How old are you? 44. 44.

Yeah, what have you been doing with your life up until this point? Oh, methamphetamines. Yeah. Dice, what do you think about this guy? He's been working the asshole thing out. Yeah. I mean, that's a lot of stuff to get out of your asshole.

Do you know what I mean? Yeah, I might. Yeah, that's a lot. It's like you should pay a toll to go in there. Yeah, yeah, well, I just shoved shit in there until there was no more room. That's a lot of stuff. Yeah, you grind up the weed and pack it down

and kind of make like a... I don't have to know the exact story. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. I mean, you're definitely exaggerating, right? No, no, no, no. No, seriously. 100%.

You're being dead serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three ounces of weed? No, no, two ounces of weed and%. You're being dead serious? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three ounces of weed? No, no, two ounces of weed and a half a can of bugler rolling tobacco. Like the big can. Oh my God, two ounces. But now you grind it up in a coffee grinder and you pack it in a pill bottle tight

and then you put it in a condom and about a half ounce is about the size of an egg and you make anal beads with condoms. Boop, boop, boop, boop. How many, oh my God. Dude. So the day I got sentenced, I shot up, like, 30 fucking, I don't know,

300 milligrams of morphine, and I ate the mushrooms, and I shoved all that shit up my ass. My mom was knocking on the door, and she's like, You're gonna miss your sentencing. Get all that shit up your ass. Your mom was encouraging you to shove shit up your ass? Yeah, she's like, She said, Hurry up, get all that shit up your... Well, she wasn't gonna stop me. up your ass. She said hurry up, get all that shit up your,

well she wasn't gonna stop me. It's unbelievable. No one's gonna walk in and stop me, so. Why would his mom know about what's going on in his asshole? That's a great question. Why did your mom know? Did you tell her? I don't know, I don't even remember my sentencing.

I was fucked up. But you do remember your mom saying, Oh I remember that part. Shut that shit up your ass. Yeah, that was right after I ate the mushrooms. But by the time I got to the courthouse, I was fucking frying balls. So the painkillers, I understand,

because you're about to shove so much shit up your ass. The mushrooms, that was just what, to make it all fun or something? Just to have some laughs? I took all the drugs that I had. Aren't you afraid that the mushroom giggling was going to make the stuff fall out of your ass? I actually never thought of that

Yeah, I'm an up your have a shove stuff up your ass genius So if you ever have any more questions if anyone wants to write in to my magazine It's shove shit up your ass monthly. Yes, that is our official sound effect All right Sorry dice So you have me in, only like 18 months. And what was it for? Residential burglary.

What? Residential burglary. Okay, so tell us about this robbery. Was this like home alone style? You broke through a window and then you're walking over a bed of nails just... So... ...like anything fun happened during the... Here we go.

Give me some good residential robbery music. Here we go. Nice and easy on the drums. So I used to just walk around in the middle of the day and I would knock on doors and if no one answered, I'd rob them. And if they did answer, I'd be like, hey, is Steve here? And so, so I watched this house for like two weeks, right?

And I fucking finally decided to rob it. And it was different than it had normally been. There was a blanket up in the window that wasn't normally there. So I went around the back and I went to open up the back window and I got a 357 Magnum put in my face. Hell yeah.

And I said, is Steve here? And the fuck did you do? And... And... Yeah. He said... he said, Steve don't fucking live here, bro. And I was like, are you sure?

Cause he said if he wasn't home, just come through the back window. And he's like, I'm going to fucking kill you. So I left. So you just left. Yeah, I just walked away. So that was a time where you got close. How about the one that you got in trouble for?

Wasn't too interesting. I didn't really get that much. What did you get to steal from the place? A bunch of fucking, like, like that turquoise bullshit, fucking sterling silver jewelry. Like the best thing they had. It was like the worst robbery ever. And it's the one I got busted for, you know?

What, why are we Steve? I don't know, man. Steve was my friend's name growing up, and I just, that was the first name that came to my mind. You never even thought to maybe go, uh, Paul here? No. You just stuck with Steve. I just stuck with Steve, yeah, yeah, yeah. The old...

That got me. Yeah. I don't know. I'm sober now, so... Did they give you a name? Were you like known for your robberies or whatever? Were you like the Steve Bandit or something? No, that's called...

No, that's called me a piece of shit. Right. What's the greatest home robbery you ever got away with? What's the biggest take? I got an AK-47. Wow. Look at that. What's the biggest home robbery you ever got away with? What's the biggest take? I got an AK-47. Wow, look at that. Got an AK-47 and I got a bunch of-

You ever get an FSGS? No. Not yet. AK-47, what else? Just a fucking couple pistols and a bunch of jewelry. Fuck, yeah. I fucking robbed a house on a skateboard. What? yeah. I fucking robbed a house on a skateboard. What?

God damn. I robbed a house on a skateboard. I remember, and you know what, I wanna. Did you ever think about just carjacking somebody at that point? Oh, we used to do that too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How many cars do you think you've carjacked?

I've stowed about three to six cars a night for like. I love that we can go, this is a show where I pull out of a bucket. One second, a guy's going, I used to steal three to six cars a night. The next bucket full is, I need a kidney kidney. Please, I need a kidney. Yeah.

I'm gonna fucking die if I don't get a kidney. Then there's this piece of shit. Yeah. Just fucking... One time I stole a couple's baby right out of their fucking cradle with an AK-47. Nah. I don't like babies. He should steal his kidney.

That would make sense. Yeah, no shit. We'll do a heist. Some kidney karma. Kidney heist, yeah. I love it. Wow. So what do you do for work now?

I own a construction company. Oh. Why do you laugh when you say that? That's just, is that your Steve? Because of all the shit I just fucking said. Hey, I'm a construction, I own a construction. Let me come in and measure your doorframes. Let me help you out. No, man, I've got to-

You have an extra key I could borrow so that I could come and do some work while you're on vacation. You can trust me. Look at the fucking crow on my head. I was bullied when I was a kid. You have any idea how many times you have to be called a f***? You have to put the old crow...

Dude, if being called a f*** means you have to have a crow on your head, I'd have a whole fucking bird's nest on here. I'm 11 years sober now, so... 11 years sober. I love it. How did you get sober? What was your secret? Oh, fuck man, I... All right, D.

Here's our drunk blind bass player everybody, just smiling, having a good old fucking time. He's been through two episodes today, this fucking guy, smiling ear to ear, just whiskey to the brim. I did a lot of heroin, did a lot of meth, ended up homeless, living in a fucking creek bed. Wait, what's a creek bed exactly? Like, in literally in a creek.

Oh, Jesus Christ, wait, yeah, okay. I'm like, oh, I've never heard of this. What design is a creek bed? Yeah. Is that an Ikea? What kind of model, well, I've never heard of this. What design is a creek bed? Is that an Ikea? What kind of model is that? I've never heard of a creek bed. Is it like a water bed? Like an actual fucking creek, like a bed of rocks?

Jesus Christ almighty, dude. Someone sold my top. How do you even end up somewhere so uncomfortable? Like it's like anywhere, I mean find a dirt bed before a creek bed. At least stay dry, it's like I'm fucking mean, find a dirt bed before a creek bed. At least stay dry. It's like, I'm fucking freezing. Oh, it's so hard, the sauce.

That is the worst. That truly is bottom. That's below bottom. You're literally a little seed level. Right. Well, someone stole my shoes off my feet while I was sleeping. They stole my top ramen and my toilet paper. Oh, my God.

You kept the top ramen and the toilet paper in the creek with you? No, I had a duffel bag. I just stole a duffel bag. in my toilet paper. Oh my god. You kept the top ramen and the toilet paper in the creek with you? No, I had a duffel bag. I just stole a duffel bag. Wow, isn't that amazing? Yeah. I mean, wow.

At least if they, you... Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. It's such an interesting collection.

My shoes, my top ramen, and my toilet paper. Yeah. They left you with almost nothing. I can't believe they took your toilet paper. I had a strike on my record. I had priors. I did a, like a, I basically fucking threw a brick through a window and looted a store.

And because of all my priors. What store? O'Reilly's. Wow, okay. Welcome to another episode of White Looters, ladies and gentlemen. It's a very rare show. No one's heard of it or pitched it before.

It's a show called White Looters, where instead of your normal shoe stores or clothing stores like the normal looting types, like to loot, it's called White Looters. I'm suspecting, I got eight wrenches, dude. Fuck yeah. I got two $1,800 generators. Oh, I got so many generators, man.

I'm a fucking, I'm my own energy source. I'm gonna start my own fucking construction company, dude. Oh, white looting. This is incredible. I've never heard of such a thing. But usually our senior looting correspondent is John Dees back here. Oh! Bacon sword!

Ha ha ha ha. Psst, psst, psst. Ah. Wow. So I fucking was in about eight years in prison they were gonna give me because of all the priors and shit like that. A parole officer came in my jail cell

and said, you want to try rehab again? And I said, yeah, why not? Literally fucking didn't think I was going to, you know, I was going to prison. I was like, fuck it. Rehab has peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. I'll go to rehab. Yeah. So I was literally living in a fucking Creek bed with no top ramen. So, uh, so once you rehab, um, I got sober. How would you cook the top ramen if you were homeless?

Bro, you just fucking- You just wet it? You just eat it. You can put creek water in it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God. That's gutter water. Oh my God. Creek water ramen.

Wow. That's, I mean, this hasn't even been thought of before. I fucking know, dude. Holy shit. What's the worst? See, we're finding that this is a common thing for you. Like, yeah, creekwater Rama, yeah. So let me ask you this.

What is the worst thing you've eaten in all your prison and all your rehab and all your homeless and all your drug-induced time? You're 11 years sober now. By a miracle, by a miracle, you're here performing. What's the worst thing you ever ate? Oh, fuck, probably shit. Wait, how did you eat shit? You had to eat it so that you could shove more drugs up your ass?

What happened here, exactly? Smoked shit. Wait, did you? No, after you get all that weed out of your ass, it always smells like doo-doo. Oh. Wow. You realize millions of people are gonna see this. They ain't gonna remember this shit in two weeks. I don't really give a fuck. I talk about this shit in AA meetings.

So, uh... AA isn't millions. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, but I have to see them again. You know what I mean? I don't have to see any of you again. I like your perspective. I think you're a fucking funny guy. Anything else crazy we should know about you,

even though this interview's gone on forever? When I got out of prison and I got sober, I got a gym membership, and I ended up taking a shower with the judge that sent me to prison. Oh! He had a gym membership at the same gym as me. Oh, wow.

And so I walk into the fucking shower but fucking naked, and there's Judge Curl. He had a gym membership at the same gym as me. Oh, wow. And so I walk into the fucking shower, but fucking naked. And there's Judge Curl. Hey, Judge Curl. You said hi to him? Yeah. Do you think he remembered you? He looked terrified, so yeah. Yeah, I bet he fucking did.

Yeah, yeah. I just got out. I was fucking... I was probably about 20 pounds heavier muscle. Holy shit. Holy shit. So before I let you go, what's next for your... He just said the judge's name to millions of people. I understand. I want it.

He is... He is out here just giving it all away. I don't care, man. I love it. But yeah, he never mentioned if he got back together with Steve. When's the last time you saw Steve? Funny thing, when I got sober,

they told me that I could make like my higher power for sobriety, whatever I wanted to. So I just named it Steve. Wow. Cause I'm like, Steve stopped me from getting my fucking head shot off, right? Wow. When's the last time you talked to Steve?

This morning. Wow, you talk to him every day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Does he know that you were gonna sign up for the show? Probably. Well, you told him you were signing up for the show. Yeah. So it wouldn't be a probably, it would be yeah.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That he knew that you signed up for the show. What's Steve's last name? No, you don't say that. No up for the show. Wow. What's Steve's last name? No, you don't say that. No, no, no. No. So you just did stand up here. What are your goals?

What's your hope with all this? Is this a one time, like what are you? Bro, I don't have anything like this where I'm from, so. Where are you from again? Right in California. Ah, yes. I don't know if you know where it is. Meth country.

Yes, meth country. Yes. North of Modesto? It in California. Ah, yes. I don't know if you know where it is. Meth country. Yes, meth country. Yes. North of Modesto? It's right between Sacramento and Oregon. So it's a halfway point. So it's two and a half hours north of Sacramento. Ooh. Wow.

Yeah. Look it up on a map, people. It's frightening. It's the Rochester of California. It is. Ooh. We got Fetty. I'm telling you, man, Carl, you really have a you really

have a knack at this going right up straight into a kidney thing and the good everything at the end and throughout your delivery and everything for you know for your fucking life it's incredible. Incredible. Yeah. Congratulations. Here's a big joke book. Thank you. Fuck yeah. There goes Carl Kurz. Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on.

Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. We're gonna do something fun before this next Inside Bucket Pool, which is Dante. So Dante, if you wanna come up

and get behind the stage, you can do that now. It'll save us some time. Congrats to Dante. He's gonna be next. But before that, we're gonna do something special real quick. A very, very special treat.

Ladies and gentlemen, a few weeks ago, I and my friends did the roast of jelly roll, the 40th surprise birthday roast of jelly roll. And it was just a surprise for Jelly Roll for his birthday. It wasn't recorded or anything like that. It's not going anywhere. And one person in particular really roasted the fuck out of me.

And she is one of my longest friends in comedy since I started almost 18 years ago. Ladies and gentlemen, here, just to share the roast jokes from the roast of Jelly Roll that were on me. I present to you one of my favorite comedians, one of the best. She just fucking lit New Year's Eve on fire on CNN. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the one and only Whitney Cummings. -♪ I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I'm a man, I just start by saying I love you very much? You're my brother. But here's the thing. I did want to start talking about the Trump rally thing,

because I was like, I don't want to keep bringing it up. Like, that needs to go away. It's just that it was so crazy to me that, like, the Trump rally, like, that was just so not set up for comedy at all. The fact that you just, like, went out there, like, it wasn't set up for comedy at all. Like, you walked up there at the Trump rally.

Half the audience, like, went out there, like, it wasn't set up for comedy at all. Like, you walked up there at the Trump rally, half the audience was like, oh, an abortion victim is speaking. We get to hear from a baby who was terminated at nine months. But I will say, to be clear, Tony Hanchcliffe is not racist, okay? He just looks racist. Tony looks like the kind of guy who says the full N-word when he's singing along to Broadway show tunes. Tony, you were at what was considered the most disastrous Trump rally,

and there was one where he got shot in the head. I... Two people died in Pennsylvania. Yours was the most upsetting. At least when two people got shot in the head, at least we didn't have to hear Jennifer Lopez give a speech about it. Like, that was...

And then the next day, do you remember Donald Trump pretended not to know who you were? This is a man who publicly admitted to being friends with Jeffrey Epstein. This is a man who wished Ghislaine Maxwell well when she went to prison. On TV, he pretended not to know you. Suck Trump's dick, and then he pretended not to know you.

Now you know what it's like to be a Miss USA contestant. So... So... And this was not the first time something like this happened. A little while back, Tony got in trouble for saying the C word. That's right. Some cunt got mad that he said, "'Chank.'" You know, Tony was actually, he came here,

like, you know, during the pandemic, you know? I love his, like, new look, being in Texas, like, being a more Western guy. I didn't know they sold cowboy boots at Build-A-Bear. Tony, I love you so much. What an honor to be on Kill Tony, but it's true. Whitney Booking Cummings. What a cool drop in. Let's hear Roasting My Ass.

Make some fucking noise for the great Whitney Cummings, everybody. What a cool fucking cameo, huh? We having fun here tonight? Hey, y'all. This podcast is sponsored by PrizePix. PrizePix is the best place to get real money sports action. With over 10 million members and billions of dollars in awarded winnings, PrizePix has made daily fantasy sports accessible at all.

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whether texting them back so soon was the best decision. Get on board. Via Rail. Love the way. All right. Back to the bucket we go. Like I said, three insides in a row. The odds of that are absolutely insane. It's never happened before. Again, there's literally hundreds of people,

comedians in a bar across the street, and somehow the inside is that lucky. Make some noise for Dante, everybody. Dante from the inside. -♪ Whoo-hoo! -♪ Hello, Austin. How you doing? I'm here with my new fiance. She just got us tickets, and we got to fly out here to

come see the show. She's pretty new to my family. She just got to meet all of us this Thanksgiving for the first time. I come from a big family, four brothers and a sister. She was very nervous meeting the family. So as we were all standing around doing the turkey and passing everything, we called it a dressing. She said, what's the difference between dressing and stuffing? I said, well, I'm not gonna be dressing my dick in your ass after this.

Just kidding. She's gonna kill me for that. She did like me because she said I was a fun guy, like a mushroom. I met her in a bar. We were sitting there. She had told me that... He's still laughing. I just got it. She told me that we were sitting in a bar,

and she bought me a drink, and she said, why are you sitting in here alone? I said, well, I just got... I just broke up with my ex. She said I was too up with my ex. She said I was too kinky for her. And she said, well, that's funny because I just broke up with my ex, too. He said that I was too kinky. And so one thing led to another.

I said, let's go back to your place and let's get kinky. So we go back to her house. We're hanging out. She says, let me go into the bathroom. All right. Just keep going now,, we're hanging out. She says, let me go into the bathroom. All right, just keep going now because we're already almost there. Is this another street joke or is this like a real joke that you made up?

It was a real joke. Okay, keep going. So she goes in the bathroom and she gets all dressed up. She comes out, cat-of-nine tails, stilettos, nipple clamps, looking hot as fuck. And I'm standing at the door ready to leave and she's like, what are you doing? I thought we were gonna get kinky. I said, well, I already fucked your poodle

and shit in your purse. Ha ha ha ha. Ah. You're like a street jokes guy. You've heard these jokes before. I've never done this. This is how I was... Well, I know, but you signed up, and you just did jokes that you've, like,

been told by funny friends before. What's the difference between dressing and stuffing? What, Tom? I won't be dressing my... But you signed up and you just did jokes that you've like been told by funny friends before What's the difference between dressing and stuffing what Tom? I won't be dressing my right You didn't write these right? No, I didn't right exactly. That's what people are doing here Well, thanks given one I wrote I guess I didn't write anything I just kind of memorized it and I gotcha, you know what it is Yeah Hit me with a dice. This is perhaps... He's trying to look good in front of the fiance, right? Oh yeah. Well, this isn't gonna look good in front of her.

But you don't. Yeah, she's gonna be upset with me. You don't. Hey. We all agree. Even Michael Gensalade. She's gonna, even Michael Gonzalez. She's gonna get the ring back. Maybe that's what the aim was. I don't know.

I'm just here. It is true. Dice is correct. This is backfiring. Even Michael Gonzalez, one of the nicest guys in the world, yelled, that's right, when Dice said, you don't do that. So do you think that she really loves you? Or do you think that you this may have entirely backfired?

She loves me. Okay. How long have you two been together? About five years ago. Five years. How long have you been engaged? Four months. Four months. And this wins this wedding plan. When's it going to take place? Do you know? We're probably going to. We haven't we haven't picked the day yet.

No, my daughter's getting married. And so we're kind of letting her do her thing first. Got to pay for that and deal with that. And then we'll we'll do ours afterwards. Is this sure this is your second marriage? Yeah. Yeah. Is this her first marriage, the fiance? Second. Is this her first marriage, the fiance? Second, also.

This is the funny shit. This is the funny shit. Both of your second marriages. With baggage, other fucking kids, the whole fucking thing. Get the fuck out of here. Did she sign up as well? Did your fiance sign up? No, no, she didn't.

No. You guys came here just the two of you? Just the two of us, yeah. And where'd you come from again? We came from Orlando. Orlando? Okay. Is that where you, that's where you live?

Yeah. What do you do for- Actually, we just saw you in Orlando like three months ago. What do you do for work in Orlando? I build pools for a living. Okay, that seems like you'd be pretty busy out there. We are, yeah, we're busy. What part of the trip did you decide

that you were gonna sign up for the show? Were you driving here? No, she walked by when we were in line standing out there in the cold and said, does anybody want to sign up? Wait, you decided then? I wasn't going to until she walked by because... Does anybody want to sign up? Wait, you decided then? I wasn't going to until she walked by because.

Well, I mean, of course, she's going to walk by people that were around. You were there to sign up, right? Well, I had read on the website that you had to go across the street to poor choices and sign up. And we didn't we didn't make it over there. We were kind of we got here about 745. So what do you do? You there we were kind of we got here about 745 so what do you were standing outside kind of confused was there a special sign up thing that happened someone walking by yeah you guys heard this as well all right and someone yelled does

anyone want to sign up and so just a bunch of dumbasses were like well yeah they need comedians just me I was I think you were the only one. Oh, you were the only one? Maybe. I don't know. It was a long line, actually. Well, no. Yeah. Well, that's a common thing.

No, it's a common thing that we would have to do, because they have to get the sign-ups from the people that do want to sign up that are coming in from the audience. So yeah, it makes perfect sense. But the part that doesn't make sense, this is the first time I do believe in the show's history, in which I ever heard that someone decided right then, just because someone was taking,

like, you know what the show is. And then here you are, doing fucking, like, jokes. Hey, I figured, fuck it, we came here. I'm gonna do it, you know? How do you feel now? Now, that's cool, people with courage. These are the people that would go fucking bungee jumping and forget to connect the cord.

Like, they're all just like, Whoo, adventure, yeah, go for it. Fuck yeah, chase your dreams. But look at, look at him now. Look at him now. Hey. I'm with dice on this one. I think you may have just fucked up the rest of your life.

Yeah. How old are you? Actually just turned 49. More kids? You think there's going to be more kids? No, no more. How do you know that? Because I can't have kids.

How old is she? 33. How'd you guys meet? There might be some more kids. How did you meet? Were you back there putting in a pool or something? No, we actually we actually met at a bar. She was bartending at Twin Peaks in Orlando.

And I saw her when she walked in and I said, hey, clapping extra hard. I fucking roots for team Gold Digger over here. I said, I need to get your number. A big win for fucking tits. Wow. She does have nice tits. Where is she? Is she right here?

Um, no, she's somewhere back there. All right, all right. Are they out? Are the tits out tonight? Keno, give us some house lighting here. Let's see what's going on. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, wow. All house lighting here. Let's see what's going on. Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, wow. All right.

Okay. Wow. My pool just went above ground. Look at that. It's incredible. What do you think about frothy pee? Heh. Ha ha ha. Fucking disgusting.

Unbelievable. Turn the lights back off. Okay. Dante, I spent way, way, way too much time with you. Uh, here's a little joke book. -♪ There he goes. Suicidal Dante, ladies and gentlemen. This is your next comedian. This was an actual comedian from across the street.

Make some noise for him. He knew he was signing up for the show before he got here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 Seconds Uninterrupted from Mike Jones. Mike Jones. ["60 Seconds Uninterrupted"] ["60 Seconds Uninterrupted"] All right. When a man gets pregnant, does a baby come out of his asshole?

Could you imagine being the delivery doctor? I mean, dude's gonna shit a baby? You're like, push! Oh god, that was fucking disgusting. The dads are horrified. Sue you for hate speech, you piece of shit. You gotta feel bad for gays that want kids, though. First you gotta come in his dick hole.

It sounds hard. Right, Tony? But I have a solution. It's a double-ended fleshlight. Now gays can stare each other in the eyes. You know, fuck with a little decency. Or you could just pull the plug from the middle, right as you both come.

Then it's like a little gay fountain. So basically, you can be as gay as you want with it, Tony. Very cool. Thank you. So basically, you can be as gay as you want with it, Tony. Very cool, thank you. I guess I'm the gay one after somehow all that gay shit that you thought of and wrote and memorized, you fucking freak. Yes, good one, Mike.

This is the hardest I've been roasted the whole episode, was your gay fantasies, and you go, right, Tony? It's like, how am I the fucking gay one? You're the gay one, you creep. You're hurting my feelings, man. How's it going, bud? How are you? How long you been on standup?

It's my first time on standup. What is going on tonight? This is just annoying at this point. It's a bunch of mentally ill people, like, you'll never believe. This is my first time. It is. I'm, we're not surprised. It wasn't any better than, we've had three first time. It is. We're not surprised.

It wasn't any better than we've had three first times before you tonight. They were all better. That hurts. I know. It's hard to believe. So, Mike, tell us, what made you want to start tonight? How old are you? What's that? How old are you?

I'm 40. Yep. What made you want to start tonight? So, yeah, so I made a card game, actually. Oh, God. All right. Here's a little joke book. I'm going to keep it moving along. Yeah, no, I don't know.

Yeah, I don't want you to promote your stupid card game. Let's go. We're keeping it moving. It's okay. Put the mic back in the mic stand. There you go. Jesus fucking Christ. People used to come on this show to like try to make it. So many years ago.

Now it's fucking people, I got a new card game. I need a kidney. So many real comments. He made the guy. Hold on, hold on. He made the guy before him look like an absolute fucking genius. Yeah.

Like, I would buy a ticket to see the guy before him. I mean, that was... At 40 years old, why in your right mind would you go, I'm gonna go out and talk about sucking cum out of another guy's dickhead? Do you understand? I agree. There's issues there.

I agree. Dante is bawling out of control in the middle of the room right now. He's sucking on his fiance's tits in celebration of how good Mike Jones just made him look. See, you never know what's bad till you just see something way fucking worse. Yeah. That's it. So true. It's so true. Well, hopefully this gets better. We got another bucket pull.

60 seconds uninterrupted going to Candice August, everybody. Candice August, everybody. Candice August. ["Candice August"] Hello, Austin, how you doing? All right, let's get right into it. I realize I'm a hypocrite when it comes to my health, a hypocrite because when the COVID vaccine came out,

I was like, absolutely not. There hasn't been enough research. I refuse to compromise my health. Then when Ozempic came out, I was like, give me that shit right now. Give me that shit right now. Give me that shit right now. Right now.

You can put it right here, doc. Put it right. You said 40 pounds in two months? Both sides, put it on both. Lost a bit of weight but not one single ounce came off my thighs. They didn't go anywhere. Thank you so much. They're real big as you can see and they rub together when I walk. So because of the friction they're very dark in the middle, super black. Right here. Don't look away, Tony. Very black. Super black in the middle.

Uh... Uh... When I say black, y'all, these thighs could have marched with Dr. King. Just black as shit. I was outside, minding my business. These thighs tried to bum a new port for me. Let her go. I said, oh my God.

I want to hear more about the black thighs. Let her go. I'm sorry. That was the time limit. Do you have more black thighs stuff? Keep going. Yeah, I do. Go for it.

My last one is, this is my closer. It says, I was outside minding my business these thighs tried to bum a new port from a nigga. This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... This is...

This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... This is...

This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... This is...

This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... This is... The show is sucked that bad. Dice was just reminding us, we don't know what's bad until we just got word Dante is back. Holy shit, Andrew Dice, hi. I'm sorry, I didn't look over, hi. It's okay. Hell yeah, look at that magical moment. Oh my God.

I didn't mean to interrupt you, sorry Tony, go right ahead. No, it's great, you killed. How long you been doing stand-up? 11 years. 11 years. 11 years. All of it in Atlanta or how long have you been doing stand-up? 11 years. 11 years. 11 years. All of it in Atlanta, or how long have you... Yeah. Houston or Atlanta? Which one is it here? Come on.

Yes, one more. One more black city. Uh... Somebody said it. Really? It's New Orleans? DC. Oh, yeah, DC makes sense. So, I started in DC, and then I moved to New Jersey, Somebody said it. Really? It's New Orleans? DC. Oh, yeah. DC makes sense. So I started in DC, and then I moved to New Jersey.

So I did New Jersey, New York. And then I most recently just came from the Tampa comedy scene. I love it. And now you live here? Now I live. Just moved here like a month ago. That's fantastic.

This is exactly where you belong. You are in the right place at the right time. I love it. And you were a bigger girl before? Really? How much weight did you lose? Yeah, I've lost, uh, like about 68 pounds. Wow. Hell yeah. Yeah! Red band. Come on.

What's going on over there? Red band. Sir. It's red band over here. Oh my goodness. I expected it. I expected it. Yeah.

His inner thighs are also black from all the melted chocolate when he falls asleep at night. Eastie. Falls asleep with milk duds on his lap, this fucking guy. I love it, Candice. So how about for a job? How long have you been answering customer service calls? I actually do do phone sales. God damn it.

Can you tell by my voice? Absolutely. I love it. You do. You have a lovely, lovely voice. Thank you. Thank you so much. Is it really true that your inner thighs are blacker than the rest of you? Yeah, they're very darker. In the middle from the friction? Yeah, they're darker. That happens for sure. Is that a thing?

Oh, yeah. Red band with the assist. Thank you, sir. Absolutely. Our senior big thigh correspondent, Brian Red Band. Absolutely incredible, Candace. I love your energy. Did you move here alone? You got a man? I have a husband, yeah. Yeah, how long have you two been together?

We just got married, two, three, two, three. So February 3rd, 2023. Okay, that's amazing. Two, three, two, three. Easy to remember. I like it. What does he do? He also does, he works at a debt consolidation company.

Yeah. Oh. Yeah. Okay. Normally they're the ones doing the calling for debt consolidation. It's interesting that there's a someone with experience on the other end of the line. That's so fun. And how about your phone call thing?

What's that? I also work at a debt consolidation company. We work at two different, but we both work at debt settlement and consolidation companies. That's amazing. What are the odds that you both, did you guys, oh, you guys met at work? We did not meet there. We did not meet there. We met on Plenty of Fish.

Wow. Yeah. Years and years ago. I don't recommend it. Plenty of Fish is the ghetto of dating sites. Don't do it. Why is that? Explain that to us so that we understand.

Why is it Plenty of Fish? I don't know. It just had the most horrible trash selection. He was like the only person on there who was great. And I happened to have him. And that's it. So there's no one left. No one left on there.

What was that first date like? What did you guys do? We went out for just cocktails. We just had a drink after work. He drank a really, his order was impressive. It was this really top show. Was it a watermelon martini? No.

Pfft. Come on, wait here. What are you groaning for? We're having fun here. You are assuming that my husband is Black, sir, and he is not. Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh, yeah. So he was a pina colada. He is also not Latino. Guess again. Oh, my goodness. He got an old-fashioned. Ha-ha-ha-ha! He's not white. Guess again. Oh my goodness. He got an old fashioned. He's not white. Do you want to keep guessing or shall I tell you?

Oh my God. He got a hot sockie. A hot sockie. I would consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt.

Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt. Consider your debt.

You owe nothing no more. I will put you out of your misery. My husband is Indian. Oh my God. How did I not know with everyone working at a fucking call center? Wow. You should have known. Oh my goodness. How did I not know with everyone working at a fucking call center? Wow.

You should have known. Oh, my goodness. So what was the order? What exactly does an Indian order? Mud water? No. No. You can't get canceled by the Indians. They don't listen to the show. They don't care about it. We're friends with a sauna mod, we're good.

He, it was just a very, very top shelf scotch. He drinks, yeah, and it just, I'm from New Orleans, so like a drink, thank you. Oh, okay, hell yes. There's a drinking culture there, and just, he just impressed me because he had a very mature order, you know? Like not ordering sex on the beach like some fucking teenager.

Like it was very... That is very mature, especially for an Indian. Did he perhaps like pour it all over his hands and stuff and like try to flip it around, mix it with bread, and then like Indians are wild out there. We don't even know what kind of Indian she's talking about. Yeah. Yeah.

You know. are we... Thank you. Are we talking TP? Are we talking 7-Eleven? I'm a singer. I would like a top shelf liquor. You guys just want to offend everyone. Yes.

Welcome, join us. Join us. Not gonna stop until you offend every fucking body. Join us, we will roast them until they look like your inner thighs. Whoever they may be. White people aren't safe. They're the worst of them all.

It's an excellent question, sir. In my set, I say, you know, if you need a little bit of clarification, he is not tax-free casino Indian. He is cab-driving 7-Eleven Indian. So you hit that right on the nose. You hit that right on the nose. Amazing. Amazing. But she kicked ass on the nose. Amazing. Amazing.

But she kicked ass tonight. Yeah. It was great. Thank you. That was unbelievable. It was un- And truthful about your, you know, the Ozempic thing. Yeah. Yep. I mean, me, I like them thick and beefy.

Well, all right. You know what I mean? Thicker than you, I'm talking two feet deep from belly to back. With a triple chin on the back of her head. Ow! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh my god. This might be the best day of my life. Oh my god. It really is.

And I got to tell you, we needed you. Every bucket pull has stunk up the stage so much that you would think it was your husband's wife beater in the hamper. Yeah, it was, it was bad. Do you have a lot in common with him? Like butter chicken, like a... Wait, what?

Shut up. What does that even mean? What did you just say? I don't even know. Red Band may have actually just been racist just then. What is butter chippin'? That is an Indian dish. Oh, butter chicken.

It is an Indian dish. That was a good one, Red Band. Butter chicken. I thought you said butter trippin'. I'm like, oh, Jesus. I don't even know what that means. Wow, that's amazing. I cannot, I don't think I've ever seen an Indian man

with a black woman before. He must have like, how do you think he ended up with that kind of confidence? Normally it takes a very specific kind of swagger to get a real, especially a fucking DC Tampa fucking. Like I know what's going on over there. But how does a, because he's Indian or normal, Indian guys are normally pretty little, right?

Are you taller than him? No, he's six one. Whoa, Jesus Christ. Maybe six foot even, six one. Yeah, he's tall. Oh my goodness gracious. Wow, that is incredible. I've never even seen one like that.

Look, if you think of being in the 7-Eleven, Gracious wow Never even seen one like that If you think of being in the 7-eleven you're never looking at a tall guy Which is the reason I steal Exactly it is Incredible, but where do you think he gets that confidence? Even with height, I still think that it takes a certain type of guy. I've still never seen a tall Indian guy with a powerful black woman either. Um, he's just, I don't know, he's just an amazing person. I, uh, I had just kind of a quiet confidence, not very braggadocious,

um, just kind and generous. Just a great, great person. I love him more than I've ever loved anything in my life. Unbelievable. Candice August, I hope you sign up more. I hope we get to see more of you. Red Band? I would love to have you on The Secret Show.

Whoa! Candice August is booked for the secret show. There it is, big joke book. What an appearance, what a debut. That is how it's supposed to go. Make some noise for Candace August, everyone. Oh, thank you. What a moment.

Thank you. Oh, thank you. What a moment. This episode is brought to you by Companion. Iris and Josh seem like the perfect match, but when a weekend getaway turns into a nightmare, Iris realizes that things aren't as perfect as they appear. From the creators of Barbarian and the studio that brought you The Notebook comes a twisted tale of modern romance and the sweet satisfaction of revenge companion only in theaters January 31st.

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Complete offer eligibility criteria by March 31st, 2025. Choose one of five eligible charities, up to $500,000 in total contributions. Your next bucket pull. Yeah, amazing. You can avoid the sexiness. Yeah, yeah, that's what I'm talking about. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of TJ, everyone.

TJ. Here comes TJ. Oh, wow. You know who this looks like. All right, let's start from scratch here. I'm gonna give you, I don't normally make a joke at the top of somebody's set. I couldn't help myself.

It was just right there. Ladies and gentlemen, a fresh start. Make some noise for TJ, everyone. Thank you. Austin, thank you guys so much. You guys are, y'all are real friendly. Like, I had someone just the other day come up to me and he's like, excuse me,

has someone ever told you you look like Kobe Bryant? I'm like, nah, I just get Dalzeem from Street Fighter. Yoga play. Yeah, but I'm not technically even black. Nah, like I'm more like Kamala Harris. Yeah, like we pretend technically even black. Nah. Like, I'm more like Kamala Harris. Yeah, like, we pretend to be black. So, fuck that bitch. Because today's Freedom Day.

Justin Trudeau just resigned, and I'm fucking celebrating. 51st day, here we come. But yeah, I just got back from Japan, and people wanted to take pictures with me. I'll tell you, I didn't know why. Because I wasn't even wearing this jersey. It's a children's large. Yeah, I got it for my 40th birthday. Four years ago.

But yeah, I just want to thank Stephen Retention for the last 18 months, because I'm manifesting this fucking moment right now. Thank you for even like, yeah. All right, TJ, there you go. That was your part. And now you are in it. You're in the interview part, TJ. Wow. First of all, let me tell you you you are the biggest seven-year-old I've ever seen in my entire life You look like a giant child. How tall are you exactly TJ? I'm six three. You're six feet six three six three Okay, you're nervous. You got a little little slur there

Wow dice, what do you think about this guy? He might be the Indian husband. That's what I'm thinking. That's what I'm thinking. What ethnicity are you, TJ? I'm actually Sri Lankan. Oh, what are they known for? Tourism.

Tourism. Yeah, it's a beautiful country. It's way better than, well. Are you the head of tourism there? It's great. I actually, oh my God. Anyone have a glass of water? Okay, he's about to pass out.

Does anyone have a glass of water? These hipsters are handing you their half-filled drinks. No, don't do that. No, no, no, don't do that. We have to have a water back here. We're going to grab you a water. It's okay. My mouth is really dry.

I know. It's okay. We're going to get you a water. Look at the lovely Heidi, everyone. What's going on? Look, Kobe Bryant ain't strong enough to open a bottle of water. This might be the... Kobe looked better than you after the helicopter crash, by the way. So, TJ, how long have you been doing stand-up? Just over a year. I quit my corporate job. I've been doing this full-time.

I've been touring. I went to Bangkok, opened mics, I did a show in Tokyo. Just opened mics. How hard are you bombing in Tokyo? I can't even imagine. Yeah. You went to Bangkok for this? I did.

Living the dream. I can't even imagine. Yeah. You went to Bangkok for this? I did. Living the dream. Wow. Wow. So- Probably mentalities. Okay.

Trying to be better each and every day. Okay, but do you practice every day? I'm trying, well, I'm here. Well, yeah, you're here right now. I do this every Monday. I've never seen you before, right? Yeah, but I just started a year ago. OK, all right.

But you're out at open mics practicing every night? Every night? In Austin. I just got here three nights ago. I literally just got to Austin. OK, from where? From Canada. What part of Canada?

Toronto. OK, that's why you look like that. Yeah. How many times did you get vaccinated? Tell the truth. I did not. I'm a Republican from Canada. Like, I did not get vaccinated.

This is the first time I've ever seen a Republican in a Lakers jersey. I don't know if I believe any of this. What do you think makes you a Republican? Just out of curiosity. I don't normally like to get political, but you look too skinny to be a Republican. But tell me more. That's coming from me.

Um, it's just more right-wing. Like, if you think about what's gone on in the world, like, I feel like... All right, forget it. I wish I wouldn't have asked that question. And, well, yeah. What do you do for work? I was a banker.

And now I'm in sales. Okay, what are you selling? Reputation management. What does that mean exactly? We protect people's reputation online. Oh, okay. That sounds interesting. Yeah.

I think I got a lot of phone calls from you guys a couple months ago. Amazing, okay. So what do you do for fun? Play tennis, do comedy, hiking. Yeah. What else? Um, there's no other dream you have. Damn instrument, something.

Are you killing my dreams right now? No, I'm asking. Oh, he wants to know. No, because I'm 44. I finally figured out this is what I like doing, and I'm finally fucking doing it. What do you think made it take 44 years, 43 years? I didn't grow the balls. So it was demon retention. Like, I actually finally grew the balls. Don't you agree that your balls are the same size

that they've been for over 20 years? That's... Maybe. Did your Sri Lankan parents have anything to do with you not wanting to chase your dreams? Possibly. I don't know. No, they were pretty supportive. They're supportive of me being here right now,

so they're fucking awesome. Okay. All right. This is all good. Impersonations? Great question. Wait, you're still going with this Kobe thing? Yeah. It's almost like he didn't hear he had an accident.

It's Kobe though. It's almost like he didn't hear he had an accident. You look more like the guy from Indiana Jones that like, Humana, Humana, that guy. Super topical reference from Brian Redband. 1988 classic. Yeah. Kobe and Indiana Jones are just as old as one another. Amazing. Do your shot one more time. and Indiana Jones are just as old as one another. Amazing.

Do your shot one more time. Let's see what a basketball shot from you looks like. Cause it was unbelievable what I think I saw a moment ago. I tried to pretend like I didn't see it, but I want to see it again. I technically don't play, I play tennis. It's okay. Just put the microphone down for a second. Let's see what it would look like you shooting a basketball

into a hoop. No, wait, wait, wait, wait, step back a little. Step back. Yeah, all right. All right, now go. No, that's not how we did it. He had that foot in front. It's a right foot. I want to see Kobe Bryant, ladies and gentlemen. Here he is.

Wow. Wow. There's a certain smell that just went over the entire room from that. That is a Sri Lankan salsa, if I've ever smelled one. That is absolutely incredible. Drink less water, you're sweating too much. No. Okay, TJ, but this was fun.

Here's a, I like your style, and since, even though I would normally give you a small joke book, it looks good with your jersey. Here's a medium KT joke book. TJ. So best, so Kobe. What? Go Kobe, yeah. Kobe would have caught it. Yeah.

Music for what? You're gonna dance out? Give him some music to dance out. You know what? I've never had anybody ask for that before, and I'm just in the giving mood. Give him some... Can we get some Sri Lankan... Can we get some Sri Lankan dance music?

Oh, Jesus. Wow. Okay. There he goes, everyone. T.J. Dancing his way back to obscurity. He didn't even dance. He forgot the bucket and take the water. He forgot his joke book, too.

-♪ -♪ There actually is, and I mean this in the most non-racist way humanly possible, but there really is a scent up here on stage right now. It is quite incredible. You smell that? You know what I saw? Hold on a second, guys. Hold on. I saw, like, if he had, like, a little wig on,

like, he could... Remember when I said the part about doing impersonations? Yeah. Like, picture this. I'm just gonna... You tell me what it's from. Red Band all know. Yeah. Just listen.

I am Kane. What show? You're right. Red Band will know that. This is from the 70s or 80s. Kung Fu. Right, yeah. David Carradine. I am Kane. Oh, yeah. I should have known that.

That line does even reference the whole picture. Put those two together, he's got an act. I don't know. I mean, I... I mean, I thought he stunk. I just got to be... Tell him, like, be nice. I don't know. It's hard. I'm trying.

Man. Yeah. It's really something. All right, you guys having fun out there? Yeah! Make some noise for your next bucket poll. This is J.P. Lambiasse. J.P. Lambiasse. Yeah!

Yeah! J.P., everyone. I wanted to learn more about my ancestry, so I did that 23 and me. Turns out that's just the number of Asians in Austin, Texas. That's 23 and me. They're all at UT. I'm not really into politics.

My friend asked me what my political views are. And I'm just, I don't know. He goes, well, it's simple. Do you like Trump or do you like Obama? And I'm like, I don't think it's that black and white. I went to Mexico City. I learned about mole. This lady was teaching it.

She goes, there's green mole. There's red mole. There's brown mole. I'm like, I got a question. She's like, yeah. Is guac a mole? Thank you. JP Lambiasse.

Am I saying that correctly? Lambiasse. Lambiasse. Okay. Hell yeah. that correctly? Lambiase. Lambiase. Okay. Hell yeah. Now what is Lambiase? What kind of last name is that for an Asian boy? It's a little interesting. It's actually French, but my dad's Italian. Amazing.

I was bought by Italians. You were bought by a what? Italians, I was like adopted, yeah. Yeah, that makes sense. Italians are good people out there saving Asian babies. You were bought from France? South Korea. South Korea. Just wanted to make, you know.

I still don't understand, oh, I see. Did they, does your Italian family pronounce it lambiace? I think originally it was lambiase, so ironically you were correct. No, yeah. No, I know. Yeah. That makes sense. I read names every week on this show. I just found it interesting.

I've never seen an Asian with an Italian name. Yeah, it's fun. What's JP short for? Jap? Beneath. Is that a slur? Did I just accidentally slur again? It's an accident.

Oops. Oops, I slurred again. It's a J.P. You can't only do it if it's an Asian guy and it's JP. You're having fun, right? No, I mean, that wasn't right. That wasn't correct. Oh, okay, J.P. You can't only do it if it's an Asian guy and it's J.P. You're having fun, right? No, I mean, that wasn't right. That wasn't... Oh, okay, perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

Absolutely amazing. Hell, yeah. Asians love playing the victim for some reason. Little fun fact. It's very weird. They don't have to do that, but they do. That one. Good question. John Dease wants to know, he doesn't ask many questions, but I did just hear him ask, were you on Sweet Games? I got out. I did it. I did it.

Okay. All right. So welcome, welcome. Have you been on this show before? Yeah, yeah. It was a train wreck. What happened then? I was going through a lawsuit, so I couldn't really have the interview proper, and I didn't even get to, like, say hi to Brian, but... He used to be a famous YouTuber, him and his girl, and then she fucked him and took everything. Well, no, she didn't fuck me. She fucked other... Yeah, right. Oh.

But she screwed you over business-wise? Uh, yeah, so she kind of locked me out of my YouTube channel and now she's just slandering me online and there's a lot of drama. Oh boy. But it's like, you know, I think it's like a cautionary tale. Don't do business with your fiancé. How long were you with this girl? Ten years.

Oh Jesus, well. Good Lord. Yeah. What type of slandering is she doing? What is she saying bad about you? She said that I'm verbally abusive, which could be true. Um... But she also said...

Rare for an Asian, but for someone raised by Italians, makes perfect sense. Do you get mad like an Italian? Did your parents teach you that? When you get mad, are you Asian or are you Italian? You get a little... I'm actually pretty Italian. My dad's like a Capice, a Mangia, like... But that's all he knows.

So it's just like, all right, Dad, you know? Like, Muzerell. I'm like, I'm not gonna say Muzerell sticks in an Applebee's, you know what I mean? Good. Now I got you being racist back to me, so we're good about the Jap thing earlier just to let you know. You know, Italians so we're good about the Jap thing earlier, just

to let you know. You know, Italians, we're just all moots on L to one another. God, so racist. I feel like a real victim right now. Well, thank you, Red Band. Okay, so, all right, well, then maybe we shouldn't talk about your slandering, suing ex-girlfriend then, huh? I'd like to. It's fine, but...

Well, what do you want to say? I mean, what's interesting about all that? Well, I mean, I guess she outed me as, like, a homosexual, so that's been kind of cool. I can relate to you on that, you know? Right, sure. But does she have any actual... Have you ever done anything homosexual-like? Yeah, I texted her, I'm gay.

Oh, that'll do it. That's gayer than anything I've ever done. So it looks like we can't really relate to each other at all. Did you text her that because you're gay? No, she wouldn't give me my, I pulled my phone back and I said, well, if I keep asking, that's not working.

So why don't I try a different approach? Oh, that's actually kind of smart. Yeah, and she's like... So you're just like, you're just, at that point, you're just like, please, you know, I don't have anybody else to go to. Like, I'm gay. Please help me. And then she sent me what I needed.

I was just like, dude, it worked. Holy shit. And then she said, it makes so much sense now. Ah! Ah! See what I'm saying? That's actually a smart approach. If all else fails with a crazy chick, just go gay. That's amazing.

It doesn't hurt. That is some fucking Jedi level. It took an Asian raised by Italians to figure that out, just to crack the code. And of course, in their own inner anger and rationalization with themselves, they're like, oh, that makes sense. Of course you're gay, you f**k it.

Right. Did you have to prove anything? Did you Photoshop any dicks in your mouth or anything like that? No, I didn't have to prove anything. She bought it. She bought it. Amazing. And so did the internet. They're like, we knew.

She's just a white girl? Just a white girl. Isn't that amazing? A white girl giving an Asian an Apple phone for a change. Isn't that amazing? Just absolutely incredible. Little role reversal there. Amazing. So, uh, ten years with her though. Did you have fun in bed? No.

Okay. How about now? Have you been- have you been- now that you're finally- How long have you been single for? Like two years now. How about two years? Have you gotten some, some action? Yeah, that's what caused all the problems. I, I got like, she broke up with me. I'm like, she's like, move on already.

So I went on the dating app and I ended up meeting someone and she ended up tracking it and then like caused all this chaos. Oh, boy. And, like, I didn't think she was a jealous person. We were together 10 years, but she had me on a tight leash for 10 years. Like, we were to work together, live together. Right.

Kind of slept together sometimes. Right. But when I finally moved on, she went, like, literally apeshit. She literally stormed. Like, like, literally apeshit. She literally stormed, like, like I cheated on her. She stormed into my apartment, ransacked all the camera gear. I was in my underwear, and I'm just like, you wouldn't walk when you're walking to someone in the bathroom,

you're like, oh, sorry, you're in the bathroom. You don't just walk in, like, oh, I need to grab some stuff. You know what I mean? So I just... He's trying. He's got the dice starter kit on. Yeah, he does. He's got the gloves. Andrew Rice Clay over here. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

But you like girls. Do you watch The Godfather Christmas time? Yeah, well, I mean, like, the other two sides. He brings the chick upstairs during the wedding. You like that scene? Yeah, well, I mean, like, my other two suck. You remember Santino? He brings the chick upstairs during the wedding. You like that scene? Yeah, absolutely. I mean, it's one of the best scenes I've ever filmed. I mean, does it excite you when he's got that chick with her big pig tits

nailed against the wall? Take that. -♪ -♪ Absolutely. Do you like that? I like that. I like that. I like that, all right? What are you, my father? I fucking like that. What do I gotta prove to you? Let me see you do Marlon Brando, like the Asian.

No, that's not it. That stinks. That's terrible. That's just me like that. No, that's you. Jesus. You didn't even do this part. I don't do impersonations.

I don't do impersonations. See, isn't that a little bit of a shame? I don't do impersonations. I don't do impersonations. I don't do impersonations. I don't do impersonations. I don't do impersonations. I don't do impersonations.

I don't do impersonations. I don't do impersonations. I don't do impersonations. I don't do impersonations. I don't do impersonations. That's just me like that. Oh, that's you. Jesus. You didn't even do this part. I don't do impersonations. Isn't that a little better when you do that? That's a little better. Alright. He just looks like a homeless Asian woman to me.

I don't understand the whole bundling. It is crazy. I'm cold. You are. How cold can you be? What's the weatherman said? It's a little cold outside. He lives in a scarf. It's not a blizzard.

You look like an accountant for everyone who had a barrel fire. Oh, shit. Yep. Get it? Okay. Sorry, Dad. All right. This is it. He is the Italian that adopted him. Um, wow. So JP, I mean, you're...

She's no longer bothering you, right? Everything's looped on? No, she's not constant right now. Really? Yeah, but as we speak. Well, don't fucking... Don't bring your fucking trouble to us, dude. Yeah. We like you, whoever you are.

Best of luck with everything. Now you're good. She wants to get on the show and tell her story. Oh, boy. She wants to get on this show? Yeah. Oh, my goodness. Yikes.

She needs a minute first, but... You gotta move on, my friend. Does she do stand-up sometimes? I wrote her a minute. What? I wrote her a minute. When was that? We did, when we were dating, we did a comedy class together,

and she had to do the graduation night. And that's a minute? You guys had to do? I wrote her five. Wow. They're pretty good jokes. How many of the minutes did you write? This is so Asian doing the homework for the white person.

Ha ha ha ha. You wrote all five of the minutes? No, I've got to give her some credit. I think she might have got like a couple of jokes in there. All right. All right, JP. She's pretty funny. So does she do stand-up comedy sometimes? No, not at all. She actually was terrified to do it.

Did you guys start at the same time? You took that comedy class before? Or what? No, my friend Carmen Vallone actually was terrified to do it. Did you guys start at the same time? You took that comedy class before or what? No, my friend Carmen Vallone does a comedy class in Orlando. You just dropped a name. Now I don't like you. Oh, sorry. People giving shout outs out here. I know. It doesn't matter.

Anyway, but he has a comedy class and we just took the class. Yeah, it doesn't matter. The answer was no. Well, that's over now. It's okay. It seems like your whole identity is this girl, and it seems like her whole identity might be you.

Do you think- I don't know, Redband's looking at me like he agrees. I don't know, Redband follows like YouTube shows and shit. I don't know what's going on. Anyway- Do you think of me or your wife when... I'm gonna stop both of you from talking for a second. Do you think there's a chance that you guys might still be deeply in love with one another?

My ex? Yeah. The one that we've been talking about for ten minutes straight? I didn't know what you were talking about. No, I know you and Redban are deeply in love with each other. I mean, 10 years together, spend every day together. You do look strangely like his girlfriend though, now that I think about it. Leave me alone, Tony.

Janice? Janice, is that you? I know she's been getting migraines lately. She might be a little swollen. She might have a inflamed head. Wow, that actually is a pretty good impression. Is Janice here? Can we get Janice? Can we do a side-by-side? I'm sorry you get excited too. I'm not trying to rattle up a dice here with my Asian accent.

All right. It's not even that Asian. Try it here. Say, hello. If you're gonna do it, go all the way with the shit. All right. Hello. No, see, that's not... You're never going nowhere with that. All right.

It's not what the people are looking for. If you're gonna go Asian, you gotta go Asian. You can do a more Asian accent than that. Let's hear it. They can't say the letter L. Right. Yeah, that's a good way to know. That's all you gotta remember.

He's trying to help you. You've taken a comedy class before. This is like a comedy class, except... It's exactly what I'm teaching him here. He's teaching you how to do an Asian accent. Okay. So come on. Fucking give it to us.

Summon the people. And you're half Italian, you know? You come out to a crowd, you go, hey, wait, how you doing, everybody? My name, what's your name again? JP. Shit name. Uh. That's not an Asian name.

Okay, uh, Tiger. Like Tiger. JP, I know a JP. He's doing 20 to life. Whoo! You understand? Oh. Ying.

Ying, all right. All right. Hey, what? Hello. How-howro? I'm Ying. Howro, I'm Ying. And then... Howro, I'm Ying, and you're a fuckface.

You know? Whoa! Hey, look, if I dish Hi, I'm Ying and you're a fuckface. Wow! Hey, look, if I dish it, I could take it. Okay, good job, smart man. Yeah. That's right. No, no, you got the wrong guy. I like your glasses.

Not fart, man. Oh, man. I said smart man. All right. You're stupid now. All right, J.P., shut up, shut up. You did very well. You're making it very weird.

I can see why your ex fucking sued you and took your shit. I don't do it. Gets creepy after a while. I don't even do those kind of jokes. I know. I'm sorry I even said that. No, it's great. No, that was fantastic.

I loved it. Remember when I would do that stuff? Well, yeah, I still do it. I'm very immature. I would never. JP, how did it feel doing an Asian accent? Do you feel like your ancestors that gave you away? Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. All right. Okay. JP, you already have a jokebook? Uh, no. You don't? No. You didn't get one last time? I got like the little one. The Tic Tac thing. JP, I would love to have you on The Secret Show. Whoa! Look at this.

What an amazing twist. Fuck it. Here you go, JP. There's a big one. Thank you. Congratulations. There he goes. JP Lambiasse.

All right, your final comedian of the night out of the bucket goes by the name. She's been on the show numerous times, especially back in the day when we first got to Austin. Since then, she worked her way up as a door person here at the mothership and gets regularly booked on shows all the time. One of Adam, the talent coordinator's favorite

top Young Rising comedians. One of our favorite top Young Rising comedians. Make some noise for her. This is a brand new minute from Christina Mariani everybody. I love Asian men. I do all my ex-boyfriends have been Asian, so technically I'm still a virgin. I learned that racism is passed down generationally, so it's internalized, which makes sense. I was walking home, it was late at night, and this black guy walks towards me. And instinctively, I grab my purse.

Even though logically, I know he's not for sale. He did steal my wallet though. Thank you guys. I appreciate it. Thank you so much. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Exactly a minute. Unbelievable material from Christina Mariani. That is fantastic. That is an unbelievably great joke.

How you doing? Still as awkward as ever. Still just like the day you started over there. Never, never ends. How's it going, Christina, how are you? Good, I'm great, thank you, Tonya. Fantastic, remind everybody, it's been a while since you've been on the show, right?

Yeah. But you used to be on when we were at Vulcan. Yeah, when I was at Vulcan, I got on a few times. Things have been going good. How long have you been doing standup overall? Three years. Three years? Yeah.

Okay, so you started back then. Yeah. You still don't know how a mic. Okay, so you started back then. Yeah. You still don't know how a mic stand works? I like that. It's fantastic. No, you're doing great. The cords wrapped around there. You're stuck there. You got it. You got it. I love it. How do you feel right now? You just performed. You just crushed in front of the great Andrew Dice Clay. It really was. Yeah, thank you. Thanks. Not everybody was like that tonight. Yeah, that was great. That was great.

Thank you so much. Let the record show tonight's episode, three out of the top four performers were women. It's unbelievable. Christina Mariani, Candice August, Whitney Cummings, and Cam Patterson representing the men. No, I'm saying that's the one out of the four that was. That would be a weird joke for me to make. Cam's a woman, everybody. No, I'm saying out of my,

what I have ranked the top four sets, three of them were women, which is a mathematical anomaly. It is unbelievable. But you, Whitney, Candice, very, very funny. How's life been going? What's it like out there for Christina Mariani? You're in Austin, you've been here for years,

you're having great sets, you're on a lot of big shows. You're shy, nervous. I'm not that nervous. Right now I am, but I feel like I've gotten cooler. Okay. Yeah. Can you tell us about some of that? What are some of the things that you used to do

that were uncool and now you have control over them? Well, I don't- I mean, you tell me, right? I don't know. I don't know. I mean, yeah, you seem like you're blending in well. Thank you. You're not sweating like a Sri Lankan right now, I can tell you that.

We had that happen earlier. Yeah, I am. It was something else. No, I'm starting to headline, so I'm working on my headlining sets. I had a New Year's show, I'm headlining Black Rabbit on the 19th. Nice.

So, yeah. Nice. And then Vegas on the 21st, so I'm excited, yeah. I love it. Where can people get tickets for your shows? Just on my Instagram. Can I? Yes.

Okay. C-R-I-I-M-A-R-I-I. Wow. Is that your password or your screen name? That's incredible. It's creamery, but it sounds weird when I say it. I didn't mean to... Okay.

For it to sound like that, but... All right. I see you kind of combined your first name and your last name. Yeah, and I didn't realize it sounded so gross. Yeah. It is wild. What else do you do, Christina? What would we be surprised to know about you,

about your life here in this interview portion of Kill Tony? I signed up for the half marathon in January, so I'm going to... You too? Cool. Yeah. Wow. You signed up for a half marathon as well? Wow. Why just a half? Like her, I understand, but you're a black man.

You should be running the double marathon or something like that You're just gonna go beat everybody's ass and a half marathon real quick Wait he runs ultra marathons Michael Gonzalez is outing you Big Mike as we call them fitness junkie So you run ultra marathon sometimes sorry Sorry, Christina, he's a more interesting interview. Yes. Um, no. So have you ever run a marathon before? No, I just...

What made you sign up for a half a marathon to start? Um, I've been running for my anxiety, and it's been helping, and so I just, you know, I wanted, I want to get to a marathon eventually, but I'm going to start with half. Okay. How long do you run during the day? Uh, like three to get to a marathon eventually, but I'm going to start with half. OK. How long do you run during the day?

Like three to six miles every day. Wow. That's more than Red Band has ever walked in his life. His grand total. Amazing. What else do you do to help your obvious anxiety? I mean, running helps a lot. And doing stand-up helps too because I'm doing something scary but you know and I'm in therapy too. Oh okay this is great. Are you the Asian guy's ex-girlfriend? This is incredible.

Okay how long have you been in therapy for? Just a few months. How's that going? Did they already get you on a bunch of pills? No. Incredible. Okay, how long have you been in therapy for? Just a few months. How's that going? Did they already get you on a bunch of pills? No. No? Did they try a little bit?

No. Not a little bit? No. They didn't go, you know, I'm not saying that you should, but what I would do if it was somebody that wanted pills is this. Because that's how they make vast sums of money. No, I have a different doctor for that.

Oh, okay. You're like a homeopathic type of a... No, I was kidding. I don't know. What? Yeah. You're just kidding about seeing a therapist? No, no, I am seeing a therapist

and I'm kidding about getting drugs from a different doctor. Right, okay. But did your therapist suggest drugs at any point? No. No, nothing at all. No, it's just talk, therapy. Yeah. Therapists don't do that. Oh the guy that lives with nine women also knows a lot about therapists. Who would have guessed this everybody? Well yeah but that usually a

fucking therapist will see a nervous bundle like this and send them straight to the psychiatrist who writes a prescription. I'm not always like this. What do you normally like? No I mean like it just depends on the situation. When you do something like more nerve-wrecking, do you... are you the same all the time? No. Yeah. Yeah, no. What would make you more nervous? I want to make you more nervous. Who wants to hear her sing a song, everybody?

No. I'm kidding. I'm joking, Christina. Okay. Thank God. That was a fun set. You're famously nervous and shy. Red band? I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. All right. I'll see you there. Fantastic. You ever get one of these before? You want one?

No. There you go. Christina Mariani, everybody, and that was tonight's episode. How loud can this place get for the one and only Andrew Dice Clay, everybody? A historical episode for us for the one and only Andrew Dice Clay, everybody. A historical episode for us to have the presence of the Dice Man. The art is in from Ryan J. E. Belt,

and it is unbelievable. He drew that during the episode, our artist that draws every episode of the Dice Man. That is incredible. Very powerful. BrianJEBull.com to check that out. Yeah, hold that up. Yeah.

I don't know if they can see. Dice. That's great. Is there anything you wanna plug or promote? He's one of the funniest men on Instagram, I can tell you that. You may have seen his man on the street. I'm not here to plug.

Right. I love it. I love that. I don't here to plug. Right. I love it. I love that. I don't need to plug. God, I love you. You are just the coolest guy. Andrewdiceclay.com. Instagram, Andrewdiceclay.com.

Tick tock. Yeah. Yeah. Andrew Dice Clay. And maybe they'll get a picture one day. Who knows? Yeah. Maybe you could get a picture one day. Yeah, maybe An incredible experience for me Dice is great star stage twice at Madison Reds incredible for real

Twice at the HEB Center, but to get to have you here at the table. I always knew it would be amazing and No, it was unbelievable. Did you guys have fucking fun tonight? and I'm sure it was unbelievable. Did you guys have fucking fun tonight? One more time for Andrew Dice Clay, the best damn band in the land. Thank you. Thank you to our sponsors, Red Band. Check out the movie, Ford Fairlane,

one of my favorite movies growing up. It used to be on my answering machine. My hair, my hair. I love you, Dice. Thank you, thank you. We love you guys. Thank you so much.. We love you guys, thank you so much. God bless you. Have a great night, everybody. I'm gonna go ahead and do a little bit of a Thanks for watching! you you you