KILL TONY - #705 - KIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony could be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming stand-up dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, aka Salt Lake City, Utah, Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets are still now for my stand-up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me.

Starting point is 00:00:50 All tickets are at TonyHinchclip.com right now. Last one we got. Hey, this is Remnant and coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony. Let's go! Get up for Tony Attscliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yippee! The best damn band in the land everybody. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa on the horns, Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. The mutilating Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys and that is indeed D Madness on the bass guitar ladies and

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Starting point is 00:05:59 please go to connectsontario.ca. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? This is Killtony brought to you by Nick, nicotine pouches and ZipRecruiter. Every single week, I have one or two or three of the best possible guests. I look at it like a chemistry set. I know all these people.

Starting point is 00:06:19 I know who goes well together and how to mix it. Tonight's two guest panel is one of the greatest comedians of all time and also a guy who's returning back into the comedy business after a very long hiatus. So what a perfect panel. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you two of the greats. Make some fucking noise for Jim Norton and Tony Caruso. Oh yeah, Jim Norton and Tony Caruso.

Starting point is 00:06:47 Oh yeah. Jim Norton. Tony Caruso. First time on Kill Tony. Wow. Tony Caruso. Jim Norton, welcome. -♪ Jim Norton is back, the only comedian to be on both Madison Square Garden episodes, absolutely crushing, one of our favorite guests of all time.

Starting point is 00:07:18 Thank you. He's been on this show in L.A., multiple times in Austin, in Las Vegas. Jim Norton, one of the best comedians in the world multiple times in Austin, in Las Vegas. Jim Norton, one of the best comedians in the world. Jim Norton Can't Save You is available everywhere. It's a brand new show. And joining the panel for the very first time ever

Starting point is 00:07:39 in the show's entire history, Tony Caruso, ladies and gentlemen. Now, Tony. Wow, they really love you. I don't know how it's- I don't know what that was. I don't know what that was. I've never shot a gun in my life.

Starting point is 00:07:55 It seems like- I'm on a woman's face, but I've never shot a gun. You have a giant, a giant approval from the audience and many of them don't know anything about you. You are making your return into stand-up comedy. You took a 20-year hiatus when your wife passed away. I took a 20-year hiatus. My wife died, uh, RIP. I found out through texts she had cancer or HPV or some shit.

Starting point is 00:08:18 Whatever. The bitch is dead, so... I'm trying to get my life back on track. Good to see you, Redman. What, do you brush your teeth with nacho cheese? All right, I'm just warming up here, but... But, no, I'm a big get my light back on track. Good to see you, Red Man. What, do you brush your teeth with nacho cheese? All right, I'm just warming up here. But no, I'm a big fan of the show, and, you know, Kill Tony is a show to launch careers. It launched a lot of people.

Starting point is 00:08:32 It's Hans Kim, you know, who, by the way, who's about to star in the all-Asian reboot of The Sandlot. Hans Kim is. He's gonna play Squince. It's gonna be called The Sand Rot, if you're an Asian guy. All right, I'm warming up here. But Tony, if you're here, who's All right, I'm warming up here, but... Tony, if you're here, who's hunting the abandoned carnival

Starting point is 00:08:47 down the street, huh? Oh, wow. I'm warming up here. We're having a good time. But you know, I'm a big fan of Kill Tony. Oh, my God. I've been watching the show on YouTube. I've been watching it on Facebook. I got Twitter. I got X. I got something. I got something on my cock right now.

Starting point is 00:09:00 Wow. Hit me, hit me. Hit me one more time. Oh, Tony. Not too hard. I got a pacemaker. Tony Caruso... I forgot what it was called, but... ...he's been making his return in this stand-up comedy. Trying to get back into it. Trying to get back on the wagon. He's been opening up for the great

Starting point is 00:09:15 Hall of Fame Kill Tony member Adam Ray all over the road... Doing some shows for him. ...so you can get tickets to see Tony Caruso at adamraycomedy.com. It is incredible. You've been doing some work with Dr. Phil, I hear. You're friends with Dr. Phil.

Starting point is 00:09:31 Friends with DP, yeah. Yeah, DP. Friends with DP. Yeah, we call him DP. But, you know, DP's got several meanings. So double penne, double penetration. I'm just warming up here. I'm just warming up. Just warming up. But, Tony, it's good to see you. You look good.

Starting point is 00:09:45 Thank you so much. You look like a vampire that only bites people with AIDS. Okay. Okay. Come on. Hit me, Mike. A little late. A little late. I-I invite you to the show, and this is how you treat me. I'm just trying to warm up. Okay. You're warming up.

Starting point is 00:10:00 You're warming up. Hey, look at that fat fuck. Okay. Okay. Well, I mean, geez. I watch your show. I watch your show. Okay. I love it. Big fame. Big fame. You're warming up. Hey, look at that fat fuck. You're gay, right? Okay. Well, I mean, geez. I watch your show. I watch your show. I watch your show. I love it.

Starting point is 00:10:10 Big fame. Big fame. Okay. All right. Good Lord Almighty. So, Tony. Oh, okay. So, Tony, you know how this show works.

Starting point is 00:10:18 Over 200 people signed up for the opportunity to be here. I pulled their name out of the bucket. They get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Which interrupts them and then I ask them a bunch of questions. We find out more about them and everything is improvised.

Starting point is 00:10:35 Anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's episode? Yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian performing tonight while we go wrangle your first bucket pool is a guy who's been on the show only one other time in Las Vegas, Nevada, at Skankfest. He was my favorite comedian on the episode,

Starting point is 00:10:55 and I told him that when he arrives to Austin, Texas, for his first time, that he gets an automatic spot on this show. This is that show. This is that moment. Ladies and gentlemen, your first comedian, 60 seconds uninterrupted, for the second time ever appearance of... Peter Angelo, everybody. Here we go. It's Peter Angelo.

Starting point is 00:11:18 What's going on, guys? What's going on? Uh, who here likes rough sex? Who here likes rough sex with men? Just me? All right, cool. Yeah, I fuck a lot of dudes. It's weird. I get it. Um, I look like this. But, like, I do. I enjoy rough sex. But the problem is, I date guys who are, like, way smaller than me.

Starting point is 00:11:42 And people think I date... I do that to throw them around like it's Cirque du Soleil. But that's not the case. I want them to be the dominant one. Let them be in charge. But like, for rough sex to be hot, there's gotta be that element of danger.

Starting point is 00:11:54 I don't feel like I'm in danger. The average weight of the guys I sleep with is 150 pounds. I weigh 320. They can't even get their hands around my neck. For me to feel like they were in charge, I had to give them a weapon. And I'm not sucking dick at gunpoint. Again. It's a great family reunion.

Starting point is 00:12:15 Um... You'd think the natural solution is I be the dominant one. You know, I be in charge. But, like, I'm afraid, because I'm so much bigger, I'm gonna kill them, and now I'm afraid because I'm so much bigger, I'm gonna kill them and now I'm like gay Lenny from Of Mice and Men. Like, I didn't mean to kill the twink boy George,

Starting point is 00:12:31 I just wanted to pet his butt. Thanks guys, I'm Peter Angelo. Peter Angelo, second ever time on the show. Famously the least gay-looking gay man ever in the show's history. Jim, you ever see anything like this before? I have. I've seen you before. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:12:50 And I enjoy you very much. Oh, thank you. But you do seem more like a top. I'm not saying... I... I'm not disappointed. I'm just saying you seem more like a top. Yeah, everyone seems to be disappointed by it.

Starting point is 00:12:59 I don't get it. Like, oh, it's fine. All right, cool. Yeah, but like, I was for a long time, and then, you know, I got bored. I was like, all right, let them do the work. Yeah, but like I was for a long time. And then, you know, I got bored. I was like, all right, let them do the work. But that material is like people are going to think you're gay. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:13 It has been a drawback. Like not many ladies coming around now. When when you were a straight guy, did you have sleeves on? Like, is it you go, like, like butt stuff. Yeah, you got to rip them right off. Pants off, sleeves off, gone. All right, that's all I got. Absolutely. Peter, remind us all, where do you live again?

Starting point is 00:13:34 I live in New York City right now. How long have you lived in New York? About three years. And what do you do for work? I was a truck driver, now it's comedy. Yeah, thank you, lady. But now I teach people to throw axes. Oh wow. So many straight jobs, even your jobs are straight. I drop drugs and I teach people to throw axes and I take dicks in my butt. Like it doesn't make any sense. Great impression of him. It's incredible. It is amazing. He throws the axes at vaginas.

Starting point is 00:14:06 Yuck. Not another one, god damn it. Get away from me. Absolutely incredible. Larry the Cable gay. Yup. Yup. Get him done.

Starting point is 00:14:18 Yup. Have you always been gay? How old were you when you knew you were gay? I was a teenager, I would say. Teenager, just a teenager. I was a teenager. I was a teenager. I was a teenager. I was a teenager. I was a teenager. I was a teenager. Get him done. Yep. Have you always been gay? How old were you when you knew you were gay? I was a teenager, I would say.

Starting point is 00:14:29 Teenager and just. Was there a moment? Is there something that happens? Are you like, I'm a porno mag and you're like me just like dick or something like that? I think so, honestly. You know, the internet was coming around.

Starting point is 00:14:41 I just started typing in gay and just wanted to check it out. Yep. I was like, maybe this is for me. What was the first thing you saw the internet was coming around, I just started typing in gay and just wanted to check it out. Yeah. I was like, maybe this is for me. What was the first thing you saw that you were like, oh, how do I get to do that, you know? It's a butthole. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:54 That's what he saw and he wanted to do that. Yeah. A feminine man, and I was like, all right, yes, that. And then just moved on from there. How do you, and then how you, well, you go to your parents and you go, hey, how do I get more butt holes in my life? When did you come out? My dad was like, become a trucker, truck stops.

Starting point is 00:15:09 When did you, when did your parents find out you were gay? How did they know? When do you think they caught on? I'm not sure because like I would say, not that I told them they weren't positive. My brother knew right away because he kept taking my computer before I could erase the search history. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:15:27 And your brother's like, let me send this email to Google real quick, because my account got hacked. What the fuck is that black guy fucking that other black guy for? And your brother let you know that he knows. Yeah, he didn't. Did he keep it a secret from you? Yeah, he did. He didn't care at all. He didn't bother. I like how vague you are with your searches, too. Like, just gay. There's a cock. I'll look at it.

Starting point is 00:15:48 I don't care. We'll figure it out. Yeah, it was... Yeah, what should we have a birthmark? The internet just started. I don't know. Do you remember the first time you blew a guy? Yeah. Where was it? Yeah, tell us about it.

Starting point is 00:16:01 Paint the picture for us. Stone cold. What was it like? What a way to kick off the show. Paint the picture for us. Stone cold. What was it like? Oh. What a way to kick off the show. I was, it was, I was at my house. I invited someone over. I thought he was, I had an inkling he was also gay.

Starting point is 00:16:14 And I was just like, what was the inkling here? I don't know, anyone who doesn't look like me. I don't like, most people I think are gay. He's over your house. Hoping. It was like, oh, do you want to watch porn? Yeah. But I'm porn.

Starting point is 00:16:27 And then, yeah, are you saying what? Like a bunch of guys haven't watched porn with their friends and just tried to touch it once. Like... No, no, it's just a gay guy thing. Yeah. That is indeed. What the fuck are you talking about?

Starting point is 00:16:40 Yeah, you... Fuck that. I am not a gay guy. I won't even look at a cock. You know... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Yeah, that's hard. No, it was like, it was like, you know, hands are hands. How you can't tell a dude's doing a guy's hand and a girl's hand? Like that kind of thing. You held his hand? No, stroking his cock. That's less gay than holding his hand. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:12 I'm not that gay. That's fag shit. Yeah. I'm starting to hold my erection. Both of those are t-shirts. I'm not that gay, that's fag shit. A great t-shirt. Now, when you touched it, was it,

Starting point is 00:17:22 are you still friends with the guy who you jerked? Is he gay too now? Yeah, yeah. Oh, that's kind of sweet. Yeah, yeah, we're still friends. We reminisce about it. You do you really yeah once in a while We are still friends. Yeah, that's great. What's he do for work? It's a good question Coding coding yeah like data. Coding you with his comb, perhaps. That's funny. How's New York City treating you?

Starting point is 00:17:51 Where did you live before? Vegas? No, Connecticut. Oh, Connecticut. Okay. And you're in the middle of New York City now? Yeah. What's that like for you?

Starting point is 00:18:00 What do you do there to have fun? A lot of metal concerts, go to raves sometimes. I'm training to be a pro wrestler. Really? Yeah. Wow. It's the right profession for you. Stone Cold Steve Aidsy over here.

Starting point is 00:18:12 Yeah. What's your wrestling character? It hasn't kicked in yet. What's your wrestling character? Name? It's Big Doom. Wow. Yeah, the cock.

Starting point is 00:18:25 Yeah, and I'm a gay trucker who hates straight people. OK, so pretty much is me. Yeah, I know. Do we get to find out what you're transporting? You said you drive trucks, right? So what are you taking across daylight? What are you taking from like, if you drove a truck. Are we talking about character? What I actually did as a trucker.

Starting point is 00:18:40 Can I finish my fucking sentence for a second? Are you so what? Are you you're a real truck driver, right? I was, yeah. So you were, yeah. So what were you driving in the truck? If you were taking a truck from like Austin to Dallas, what would be in the truck?

Starting point is 00:18:51 Steel pipe. Yeah. Wow. Was that the name of the guy you were sucking off? I'm warming up, I'm warming up. Did you mean to haul that, or did you say put some pipe in the rear and they went, okay, and then just loaded the truck? Yeah, that's better. They knew I could handle it.

Starting point is 00:19:06 You could take a big load. Peter what's something that we would be surprised to know about you? There's the fart noise for the episode out early tonight. Seven minutes in. There you go. Red ban is red banning. Before we let you go, something that would surprise us about you. I recently just did comedy in China. Okay, we're talking about the female wrestler?

Starting point is 00:19:30 Okay. You found the most manly woman you could. Have you ever been with a woman? Long time ago. In any capacity? Yeah. Tell us about that. What was it like?

Starting point is 00:19:41 What happens when a gay guy touches a vagina? I mean, if you're a bitch, you're like, eh, but I'm like, oh, whatever, let's try it. Okay. But yeah, I met this like punk rock couple as a bisexual guy. I love it. This is great. Is my dad here?

Starting point is 00:19:54 No, all right. But no, I just- He was, he left. Yeah, it's fine. Uh. He's like, I had no goddamn idea, Jesus Christ, Peter. And your brother kept it secret from me? Fuck.

Starting point is 00:20:07 No, he's on Grindr, too. He doesn't want to bump into him. He doesn't want to bump into him. Um, I met this... I met a guy at this party. He was bi. He invited me to, like, you know, hook up with him and his girl,

Starting point is 00:20:19 so, you know, they started blowing me. I tried fucking her a little bit. And then he fucked her, and I just fucked him while he fucked her when you say I'm gonna need you to write that down I'm sorry but I was here that I was here and somebody was inside somebody what you doing what the fuck was that so when you say you tried to fuck her I mean there it is right it's warm it's wet it's a whole. Explain like what happens and you're just like... For me, I was just like, alright, that's enough. Alright. I

Starting point is 00:20:50 want, I was like, alright, this, I want to, I want to fuck him. That's why I showed up. Right. You know, so... Did it feel good though? Did it turn you on or were you like, nah, there's no shit in here? Right, yeah. That's the part I don't get. That's exactly right. I don't get it. Because if it's warm and it's moist and it works, and there's like, you could, the dude's still there, right? So it's kind of like, whoa. I was just, I wanted to fuck the other person. I just wanted to give, that's what I was there for.

Starting point is 00:21:17 And I tried it. I was like, hey, this is fine. I'm going on to the asshole now. So the guy in the middle, you're fucking him while he fucks his wife? Yeah. Was he just fucking going, thank you, you're welcome, thank you, thank you, thank you. Yeah, it was the weirdest seesaw ever. What's his name, Lucky Devil?

Starting point is 00:21:42 Taketh and giveth. Take-ith and give-ith. Well, Peter, you got tonight's episode started with a bang. Congratulations. Thank you so much. Thank you for having me. Are you in town Thursday? Yeah, yeah. I'm here all month. Well, there you go. You're doing the secret show. Oh, awesome.

Starting point is 00:21:58 And Redman. Thank you guys so much. Have a great night. Enjoy the rest of the night. Peter Angelo, his second time ever on this show. He was pulled out of the bucket in Las Vegas, Nevada. And now our first guest, Thank you so much. Have a great night. Enjoy the rest of your night. Peter Angelo, his second time ever on this show. He was pulled out of the bucket in Las Vegas, Nevada, and now our first bucket pull of the night. Wow. You know what that sound means.

Starting point is 00:22:15 Heidi is here, everyone. The lovely Heidi. Absolutely incredible. There she is. One more time for Heidi everyone. All right to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen anything can happen we're gonna meet them all together this is where we've met all of our regulars all of our golden ticket winners. Ladies and gentlemen make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Quinn Pastura, ladies and gentlemen. Quinn Pastura. That's way too tall for me.

Starting point is 00:22:54 I know what a lot of you guys were thinking. You know, you heard about it at the end of my name. You're like, he's Italian, and you're right, unfortunately. I know a lot of people know stereotypes about Italians. Something like that. They always do something like that. And I was talking to a fellow the other day, and he started doing Italian stereotypes.

Starting point is 00:23:14 He started telling me. I was like, oh, what else do you know about Italians? Teach me about Italians, you wise man. He goes, well, you know, the first thing I know about Italians is they get really upset about things. And I started yelling at him. I got fucking pissed. I was like, hey, dude, you can about Italians is they get really upset about things. And I started yelling at him. I got fucking pissed. I was like, hey, dude, you can't,

Starting point is 00:23:27 we don't get upset about things. We get very passionate about things, okay? So cool your jets, dude. What else do you know about Italians? What the fuck else do you know about Italians? And he goes, oh, the other thing I know about Italians is that they're all really good cooks. And I felt like a jackass

Starting point is 00:23:39 for inviting this guy to my dinner party. I swear to God. I was cooking for a racist. This is terrible. And this is the real kicker. I swear to God. I was cooking for a racist. This is terrible. And this is the real kicker. He had to bend over about a foot because I'm only 5'6", and he goes, And the other thing I know about you little Italian bastards

Starting point is 00:23:53 is you're all criminals. And I swear to God, I would have cooked this guy's ass if I wasn't a felon. Okay. Okay, Quinn Pastaro, ladies and gentlemen. He's Italian. He's Italian. Hi, Quinn. How are you? I'm doing excellent. How old are you?

Starting point is 00:24:09 26. 26. Where are you from? Kentucky. Okay. And are you visiting here? You still live in Kentucky? I live here. Okay. I've been here for six months. How long have you lived? Six months. Yes, sir. And what do you do for work? I work at a bar over on East 6th.

Starting point is 00:24:23 Okay. What do you do at the bar? I am a lowly doorman. A doorman. I check IDs. Okay, very interesting. And how long have you been doing standup? About a year and a half. A year and a half.

Starting point is 00:24:37 And you've lived here for six months. Yes. You think that's your best minute that you just did? I thought so. Okay. Well, it's hard. Honestly, the business is overrun with Kentucky Italians. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:54 Yeah. So I'm Italian. I know for a fact Tony Caruso is Italian. Yeah, yeah. Two Tony. This is an episode of Kill Tonys. I found it all kind of, let's just say that if it was an Italian dish, it would be a marinara with no garlic,

Starting point is 00:25:13 no onion, no seasoning. Really just mashed tomatoes, if you will. I mean, I'm German too, so that kind of fits. I guess my German side was coming out. Okay, all right. Yeah, I would have rather watched this set from Chef Boyardee. This guy knows what I'm talking about.

Starting point is 00:25:33 Who was that guy, by the way? You know that guy who screamed out during your show? He was like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Who was that guy? I couldn't even hear. Was there a real Italian in here somewhere? There was somebody that immediately heckled you. There was a man in the audience that recognized.

Starting point is 00:25:46 It is hard to believe. We always have to be the center of attention. That's our problem. So it was a little slow, I think. A little slow. You were a little tentative. Next time you might want to come out just a little bit more, get to a punch line a little fast.

Starting point is 00:25:59 That's all. It's a little quicker, if you can. OK. You meandered just a bit. But I understand you were getting to it. Let's figure out more about you, Quinn, stuff you could talk about, because you're just talking about the most broad

Starting point is 00:26:09 of all broad things, which is being Italian, which is hard for even an Italian to talk about. Because it's broad, right? It's old, yeah, we cook, yeah, there's some crime, right? Try not to get too niche. I've been doing Slaughterhouse Five jokes for the last week, but that haven't been hitting. What's that mean?

Starting point is 00:26:27 What does that mean? It's a book that most of us read in junior year of high school, but that's why I kind of had to stop doing it because a lot of people I figured out didn't do it. I didn't do it either. I just read it last week. What's the plot of the Slaughterhouse? So it's a crazy guy.

Starting point is 00:26:42 Yeah, I was just joking. I was just joking. I was just joking. So Quinn, tell us something about your real life. Like, what are you into? What are some hobbies, some passions of yours? I mean, just like every other nerd, I like history. I'm very big into it.

Starting point is 00:26:59 I was one of the first guys of my university to major in cannabis history. Surprise, surprise, he's a pothead. It's pretty sick. I did my whole research project on the Emerald Triangle and like the boom and bus cycle in it. I got to do some really cool interviews and explore up there. And then there's some like wacko, taco, bullshit that.

Starting point is 00:27:16 Like you guys know about like the Carthaginians and stuff? The what? The Carthaginians. Oh, this is like a deep dive. We're gonna do a deep dive. You guys wanna hear some shit? No, we're all right. But, um... Yeah. We did...

Starting point is 00:27:27 But, uh, you smoke weed, yeah? Yeah. How much, uh, how much weed do you smoke a day? Like, and what do you do? Do you work while you're high or...? Uh, usually not. Yeah. It's just kind of a nighttime thing or what? Yeah, typically. Have you had a really bad trip on pot?

Starting point is 00:27:40 Like, any fun stories there? Oh, yeah. Um, there's one show around here. It's called, uh... Can I tag another show? Am I allowed to do that? Well I don't know. Come on. Say something funny before you start promoting things. I get too fucking high. Shout outs to all my projects. No I was just saying I got too high there all the time because you make it too high and every time I do it just like now I'm like should I move to Austin? Am I freaking out?

Starting point is 00:28:05 That's my favorite thing about pot. I could smoke it, you know, I used to smoke it all the time. I could tell myself, I'm not an addict. I was an addict. It was unfortunate. Talk to me about the Carthaginians. I wanna know what the Carthaginians are and if we have disagreeable theories on them.

Starting point is 00:28:22 Okay, so- I think they were all fat homosexual truckers. That actually... No, that... That checks out. They did travel the world. They did do trade. They came to North America. I think so. What's the trashiest thing you ever saw in all your years in Kentucky?

Starting point is 00:28:38 The trashiest thing I've ever seen in all my years in Kentucky. You were in Kentucky. You know what it is. Yeah. What was it it is. Yeah. What was it? Anything? Yes. I don't know. There's a lot.

Starting point is 00:28:50 I live next to a Greyhound station, so there's, like, a constant amount of cars going out and out of there. That was pretty tough. I saw my dad's car go in there once. You saw your dad's car go into where? The Greyhound station. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:29:03 But there's a busses or dogs? Well, there was... A guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head. This interview is so rough. Guy just fucking... Puh-gah! This is rough, Quinn. Did someone in Kentucky tell you that you're funny

Starting point is 00:29:16 and that you should move to Austin? That's the scariest part. Oh, God. What's the answer? I don't think so. No one did? This was your own idea? Oh, no. People did tell me I was funny, but... Again, it's Kentucky, so we? I don't think so. No one did. This was your own idea. Oh no, people did tell me, that was funny, but again, it's Kentucky, and so we don't have good education there.

Starting point is 00:29:28 Right, right. Do you recognize that song? I do. Yes. Your parents white trash, they Kentucky trash? No, they're pretty cool. Yeah, what do they do for work? My dad, he does accounting for a pressure washing firm,

Starting point is 00:29:43 so that actually is pretty trashy. Yeah, yeah. Pressure washing, he's got his hands full of work. And then my mom, oh, God. She does IT for a waste management company. Yeah, pressure washing and waste management. Wow. This was a waste.

Starting point is 00:29:59 And then you are a door guy on 6th Street. I am. Did you enjoy going there though? You were there like two weeks ago. Oh, you got a stalker, Tony. You got a stalker. Where was I? Here we go.

Starting point is 00:30:11 This is what people do when their interviews suck. You walked by me. No, no, no, no. I wasn't there. I wasn't there. I don't, I have no, well what? I don't know. Maybe you remembered spots that you go.

Starting point is 00:30:20 I don't. Did you? Maybe I do. I don't know. What's the name of the place? No, it's called The Liberty. I wasn't at The Liberty. You're saying I walked by The Liberty? No, no, I was doing sound and doing a show over at Narvar, but...

Starting point is 00:30:34 This is like a weird Craigslist misconnection. Yeah. You were walking by The Liberty. I was jerking off onto a trucker. It's like the craziest tradition. When people really, really bomb as hard as they can, they go, I saw you once on the sidewalk, you remember? No.

Starting point is 00:30:49 Fucking no? How would that stand out? Did somebody tell you I was inside of the bar that you work at? Yeah, it was you and Ari, they said. They literally named you. They're like, hey, they were here last night. Ari Shaffir.

Starting point is 00:31:02 Yeah. There's a zero, zero percent chance that that happened. The Liberty. Okay. Oh, you got it in? I mean, I didn't see you. I was just told, so I... You're just trying to start a little conversation here.

Starting point is 00:31:14 Yeah. Yeah, and we also landed on the phone. Obviously nothing else is working. Get the fuck out of here. It's unbelievable. One of the dumbest things someone can do is just reference, you remember? Remember a couple weeks ago?

Starting point is 00:31:25 You weren't even there. I know. What kind of bar is the Liberty? It's like a little dive bar. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's pretty sick. All right. Yeah, it's a good time.

Starting point is 00:31:34 Can I ask one question before he leaves? What's the biggest thing in Kentucky? You go to Kentucky, it's like Tony goes back to Kentucky. There's nothing. There's nothing? No, there's nothing. You have to go across the river to Cincinnati for there to be something. There's hardly anything there.

Starting point is 00:31:46 There you go. Here's a little joke. You're going to catch it. There you go. Quinn Pastura for the love of God. What? Hello, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by Viya Guys hosting the number one live podcast is tough and that

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Starting point is 00:35:17 This is truly one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. I think maybe he's been on this show in LA. It's been a long time. Either way, you slice it. Ladies and gentlemen, let it be known, this is a new minute from Asan Ahmad, everybody. Make some noise for Asan, everybody.

Starting point is 00:35:43 So Israel and Palestine just signed their ceasefire, so Hamas will talk to them. The whole thing started when Hamas paraglided into a rave, which, take the context of everything that happened outside of it away, that does sound like a great day with the boys. You know what I mean? Just smoking weed in the cave. Just Abdul, get the paragliders.

Starting point is 00:36:13 Just fucking, holy shit, Abdul, it's working, it's working! Just two flags on your paraglider, one Palestinian, and then it says Saturdays are for the boys. You know, just fucking committing a terrorist attack to a rave to techno. Just digga digga da, digga digga digga da, digga digga digga da, digga digga digga da, digga digga digga da, digga digga digga da.

Starting point is 00:36:33 That was Sandstorm by The Root, in case you missed it. I don't know if you guys... I've been a son of mod. A son of mod. Oh my God. Wow. Coming up here, cleaning up after a fucking bore of Kentucky. Holy shit.

Starting point is 00:37:03 You know what's funny? He was talking about the Liberty and I was like, Tony, that was the bar that we were at with Ari Shaffir the night of the picture. Fucking boar of Kentucky. Holy shit. You know what's funny? He was talking about the Liberty and I was like, Tony, that was the bar that we were at with Ari Shaffir the night of the picture. Wait. No it wasn't. No it wasn't.

Starting point is 00:37:12 You're being funny. That was not it. That was one of the white? That was the white horse. No, the picture was that white horse. No, Liberty's west. We went east. Okay, okay.

Starting point is 00:37:21 I thought that was what it was. Liberty's east? Oh, okay, maybe we were. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We were on a bar crawl. Okay, okay, I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought I thought West. It's East. I was there. Fuck. The poor guy. I'm like, fuck you. You're not funny. Get the fuck out of here.

Starting point is 00:37:51 Oh, it's definitely just blatantly East. Same street, but that way. It is literally just five minutes. Just due East on 6th Street. My location is still there. I'm still at the liberty. There's a blue dot. Holy shit, the poor guy.

Starting point is 00:38:13 The poor guy. Well, now he's going to be a hero. Quinn, just hear the internet. Quinn, your comedy sucked, but dude, you got Tony good. You're geographically accurate about the whereabouts of Tony H. Cliff. Ari Shaffir absolutely insisted that to celebrate his special release on Netflix,

Starting point is 00:38:33 he wanted to go east and do a shot and a drink at every single, do I talk about this last week? Yes, we literally talked about this last week. And fucking, God, we had, yeah, that was one of those nights. Asan, you were along with us and we had a blast. Yeah, he fucking God we had we yeah, that was one of those nights. Yeah a sign you were along with us So we had a blast. Yeah, he was right Yeah, it was right. It ended up working out. You're so funny man. That's fucking making that stuff funny jet that that attack That is fucking great. Really? It's so odd. I love the angle you took to hear a juice say that

Starting point is 00:39:25 Hamas, oh Tom is gonna be my new catchphrase to hear a Jew level comedy store, paid regular, you are the equivalent to here. One of the first people from LA to move here with your homie and podcast co-host, Derek Poston, who we all love. You've actually been the one man panel on an episode in 2022. Yes, I've been on the panel three times,

Starting point is 00:39:47 but I had this Israel-Palestine joke and I was like, it's the perfect time to drop it. I'll sign up for Kill Tony. I love it. I love it when my buddies sign up for the show and are lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket. It happened with Matt Edgar a few weeks ago and now you. What else is going on in life, Asan?

Starting point is 00:40:02 What have you been learning? You're kind of like a, how long you been doing this Oh 12 years 12 years and that's that a comedy store level You are a former comedy store door guy. Oh, yeah, I watch I watch this I walked I started working when this show was in the belly room Yeah The one thing I noticed is that the people who do poorly on this show always ask the audience how they're doing So I was like when I get up here just start the joke. You only have a minute. Why waste the time? Exactly. You are absolutely correct.

Starting point is 00:40:29 How does your hair go like that? Come on, we're all thinking it. Well, you're funny. You're funny. But like, what the hell is going on up there? The grace of Allah. I thought that phrase too. You got a little fucking Gaza Strip right down the middle there.

Starting point is 00:40:49 That shit is unbelievable. Holy shit. Reminds me of the Bar of the Liberty. It's... I love it. Asan, what else is going on? Tell us something else crazy about your life before we get you out of here.

Starting point is 00:41:07 Um, I... I mean, I've taken you to your homeland, San Jose. Right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, yeah, not his homeland. Yeah, yeah, yeah. San Jose. Hey, hey, hey.

Starting point is 00:41:20 I like that. And I've met your adorable parents, your tiny, tiny, absolutely adorable little super tiny Indian parents. I mean, they are just the cutest things you've ever seen. I do have the most adorable parents. They really are. You're like a giant compared to them.

Starting point is 00:41:36 Yeah, I am five, six, and I'm six inches taller than both of them. Yeah. I'm the tall guy in my family, it's crazy. Did they bring you home free chocolate after work every day? Yeah. They are very, very short, yet somehow they are both 7-Eleven and 9-Eleven.

Starting point is 00:41:50 Yeah. That is incredible. Is incredible. For those of you that don't know, Asan is the new head of the FBI. I don't know if you guys have been paying attention to that. Watch out, Mexicans. I'm coming. That's right. That's right.

Starting point is 00:42:09 That's the face. It's gonna sneak right up on you people. He's brown, too. What can brown do for you? Okay, Asan, so much fun. Great stuff, as always. I'll fucking see you tomorrow. We'll do it again. We do stand-up together all the time. One of the best comedians in the world. on so much fun great stuff as always I'll fucking see you tomorrow we'll do it

Starting point is 00:42:25 again we do stand up together all the time one of the best one of the best comedians around killing it growing thriving back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen and your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jake Kennedy time for Jake Kennedy make some noise for Jake, everybody. I come from your typical normal size family, you know? My sister's six foot, my mom's six foot, and my dad just really beat the fuck out of me. Really stunning my growth growing up.

Starting point is 00:43:10 Yeah, my mom, she really wanted me to feel special. I remember she pulled me into her office one day and she said, son, you're going to dwarf camp. Said, mom, I already get bullied. You know? So, nevertheless, I went, and it's exactly what you guys are thinking. They gather all the little people from all the little villages, they put them in a ring, and we fight to the death.

Starting point is 00:43:32 You know, it's a cruel world. My girlfriend just dumped me. I was talking to a buddy about it, and just telling him how, you know, I was coming in between her career goals, you know, and he just looked at me and said, dude, that bitch works at Applebee's. Nevertheless, don't call her a bitch. She doesn't like that.

Starting point is 00:43:54 That's my time. Okay. Hell yeah. Jake Kennedy, welcome to the show. This is your first time on, right? Yes, sir. Okay, welcome. Jim Norton, what are you doing?

Starting point is 00:44:04 I just, I'm, your son was just out here. He was really... You are adorable. I can't tell whether you're a little person or a huge midget. What is the actual deal? I know, I know you like to guess. What do you think I have?

Starting point is 00:44:19 Uh, fucking, uh, that sucks-ism? Down syndrome. What is it? I, uh, have... D sucks-ism? Down syndrome. What is it? I, uh, have... Dwarf-ism or herpes? It's... You can have both. Who you been talking to?

Starting point is 00:44:33 No, I have a disease called spondyloepimetaphysial dysplasia. Oh my God. Tell us what that is exactly. In a bunch of words, it's like I have spiked bones and it stunts the growth. Whoa. So I actually... What the fuck, Red Band? What the fuck?

Starting point is 00:44:52 Literally the worst sound effect you can have played right there. It's party time! Spiked bones! That is a great band name. Ooh. Ah. Alright, alright. Is that really what you have? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:45:14 Or is there like a really short mailman that your father hates? I don't ask questions. How tall are you? Like five? Five two. What do you doobity-doo for a living? Laughter We've had a guy that loves hanging out in chocolate factories. Peter Angelo was on earlier.

Starting point is 00:45:36 That's an asshole joke, by the way, because he's a fat gay guy. All right, back to you. You dress like a baby swim coach. Yeah, it is. It is adorable. It is adorable. That's a tough gig to get, so that's not an insult.

Starting point is 00:45:49 Like, 50 bucks an hour. Very tiny... Very tiny soprano. Yeah, tiny soprano. Forever 21 inches. I love this getup. You're absolutely a cutie pie. This is how people, like people dress teddy bears and shit.

Starting point is 00:46:06 Up to your chest king. This is the most compliments I've ever gotten, so I want to thank you guys. You're taking it in stride. That's a compliment. Now, what do you... So what did you ask him to do? I asked the question. This fucking guy.

Starting point is 00:46:22 Ever since you started working with that Dr. Phil character, you have this new hosty thing that you try. So, uh, what do you, what do you, what do you, what do you, we're watching you think about the question. All right, all right, I'll pick him up. No. Oh. Oh. He's got spiked bones. Be careful.

Starting point is 00:46:39 Wait a second. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. I bet you he's heavy. I can tell by the look. I can tell by the look on Tony Caruso's face. This motherfucker's heavier than he thought he'd be. That's a fucking dead weight. I think I got spiked bones.

Starting point is 00:46:57 Ah, fuck. I fucked that up. Edit it out, Yoni. Two Tonys and a spiked bony. This is a party in here tonight. Jake Kennedy, how long you been doing stand-up? This is my first time ever, Tony. Wow! Look at that. That's a good first time. The goat of the first time.

Starting point is 00:47:15 How old are you? 25. 25 years old. Absolutely adorable. The 25 years old, I guess the math works. He has the body of a 12 year old in the face of a 40 year old. This is incredible. You just got to do the math, divide it by two, figure it out. What do you do for work Jake Kennedy? I'm a violinist. You're a professional violinist? Do you play like a stand up face?

Starting point is 00:47:42 Yeah, no. No, he can't reach the notes up there. That left hand. He needs a tiny little cello. Tinyest violinist in the world. Tinyest? What's the tiniest? Even a harmonica is a two-handed adventure for you. I cannot picture you professionally play the violin.

Starting point is 00:48:01 For a living. Where can people see you? Uh, I work on a pirate ship. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. Hold on. I'm just gonna say that. You do it. You do it.

Starting point is 00:48:15 We'll be right back. I mean, you're like the movie Jack. You know, have you seen the movie Jack? No. All right, edit this out, Yoni. Okay, so when did you start playing the violin? When I was 10. Wow, and look at you now.

Starting point is 00:48:35 You make a good living doing that? I can sustain myself, kinda. Yeah. You know. Where's this... How far is your violin from here right now? It's at my house in... I'm on East 10th. Oh, shit. You know. Where's this? How far is your violin from here right now? It's at my house in, I'm on East 10th.

Starting point is 00:48:48 Oh shit. In which shape? Well, Jesus Christ. Keep it in, Yoni, keep it in. How far away? How many minutes away is it? Like, I have an electric bike, so like 10 minutes. Can you hop on your electric bike, go grab your violin violin and then we'll close that the episode of a little song

Starting point is 00:49:06 from Jake Kennedy Is that okay here take this on your way. There you go. Don't don't let it crush you Jake Kennedy. Hey, you know what? You know what? It's only fitting Jesus Christ Tony sit the fuck that it's only fitting you get a little jokebook to Jake Kennedy is arrived. He will be back in a little bit. A very little tiny bit. Oh, my goodness. Jake Kennedy.

Starting point is 00:49:39 Wow. How adorable is Jake Kennedy? I cannot wait to see him play a tiny little violin later. What was this gonna be? That's like a thing. He probably plays the world's smallest violin. That's like a figure of speech. We're gonna do it tonight. He's gonna take his little tiny electric scooter

Starting point is 00:50:02 and everyone in the city is gonna be like, look at that happy little guy. What's he so happy about? He's out there like a little rubber ducky and he's going to be smiling ear to ear. Hopefully makes it back okay, all in one piece. He's out there riding around on these streets with spiked bones, taking a chance.

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Starting point is 00:51:15 They are just so dang comfortable. I wear them when I'm out in the town, at the grocery store, you name it. They make me feel great when I put them on. I feel like the freaking Marlboro man, Tony. Wow, you smell like them too. Ever wondered if you could pull off the boots with your personal style?

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Starting point is 00:53:27 and then we'll get a regular up here. Ladies and gentlemen, let's do it. We're gonna meet them all together. 60 seconds uninterrupted for Frank the Mint. Frank the Mint. That's a fun bucket full tonight. Hi y'all, my name's Frank DeMint. I realize I sound like the love child

Starting point is 00:53:49 of Barbara Walters and Mike Tyson. Something between the bishop on Princess Bride and Barry Crippley of Big Bang Theory. And maybe a little bit of Elmer Fudd. Where's that rascally rabbit? My mother, she didn't help me out much. She named my brother Nick. I can pronounce Nick.

Starting point is 00:54:08 She names me Frank. It could have been worse. It could have been Francis or Francisco or worse of all, Roy. How about if my last name had been O'Reilly? Roy O'Reilly and his brother Corey. What a disaster that would have been. Who is the asshole that put the ass in Lisp?

Starting point is 00:54:27 I think it was Shakespeare, the sling of generos of outrageous fortune, motherfucker. And who's the asshole over at Apple that came up with Siri, huh? There's some pothead computer geek thinking of a guy like me saying, Siri, where is Wiley White, the real white? Siri, where is your brother's lumber room and rotisserie?

Starting point is 00:54:53 Siri, where is Sally Seashell, she's shy, motherfucker, motherfucker. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to cut you off before that bear interrupts you. Frank DeMint has arrived to the Kel Toney universe. Holy shit. Oh, my God. Where do I even begin? That is absolutely incredible. You keep the last comedian in that little pocket on the front of your shirt there.

Starting point is 00:55:21 You guys are a comedy duo. Absolutely incredible. Frank, I have about 2 million questions for you. in that little pocket on the front of your shirt there. You guys are a comedy duo. Absolutely incredible. Frank, I have about two million questions for you right now. Uh, let's just get it going. First, I want to check and see. Jim Norton, what do you think? I have loved you ever since you threw Mama from the train.

Starting point is 00:55:40 Thank you. That's a reference. The bitch deserved it. This is incredible. Yeah, speaking of mama, you look like the mom from the Goonies. Yeah. That's a compliment. That's a great part. This is incredible.

Starting point is 00:55:56 You look like such a character. You're built for comedy. How long you been doing it? Going on six years. Six years. Okay. Yeah. Where at? Where exactly? What fucking new-

Starting point is 00:56:09 Columbus, Ohio. Columbus, Ohio? Holy shit. Did you ever walk by a bar and see Tony Inchcliffe? Yeah. Very good. So Columbus, Ohio, you still live there? I actually live in Kingston, Ohio.

Starting point is 00:56:24 Oh, okay. Which is about an hour south of Columbus. Kingston? Yeah. Columbus, Ohio you still live there. I actually live in Kingston, Ohio Okay, it's about an hour south of Columbus Kingston. Yeah Neil Chilacoffee. Yeah, I know you're from Youngstown. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, I love your delivery This is absolutely incredible. You're such a likable guy. How do I make a living? I'm retired currently No, what were you? What are what are you a tire for? I practiced medicine for 27 years. You were a doctor? Yes, I was. Oh my gosh. Can you fucking imagine?

Starting point is 00:56:51 Wait, can you fucking imagine? Wait, are you going to put your face in the water? I'm going to put my face in. And he's coming in and telling you he got something. All right, here's the scene. All right, I just got, my whole system just got overloaded. I'm so glad you're here right now. I love you, Tony.

Starting point is 00:57:10 Here we go. All right, so hold on. Now, we're the patients. And you gotta tell us that we both got AIDS, okay? Yeah. Red Baron hit me with some hospital music. There's no real hospital music. Okay, here we go. All right, very good. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:57:28 Okay, hello, Doctor Yes. Hey, Doc. We've been waiting for your arrival. It's been a long wait, by the way. Me and my husband. I know. It sucks. Oh, God, gee, this is not good. This is not good.

Starting point is 00:57:39 Okay. You're a doctor? Are you the only doctor? I'm it. Yeah, you're fucked doctor. Well, are you the only doctor? I'm it. Oh, yeah, you're fucked What do we have you have a My god, this is will we will we bad news? Oh, my goodness. Can you say that to all folks for me? All folks for you?

Starting point is 00:58:10 What? Can you? Never mind. Yeah. Okay. Loaning to his reverence. So, Frank, you were like a general doctor. Yeah, family fact.

Starting point is 00:58:20 So, you were Dr. Frank DeMend. That's correct. Holy shit, that is incredible. Did you always have your hair like that and facial hair? No, no, no. This is more of a retired look. Yeah. Were you ever married?

Starting point is 00:58:32 You ever have kids? Married twice. Married twice, okay. No kids. No kids. Why do you think that is? How do you think you ended up being so lucky to not have kids? I don't know.

Starting point is 00:58:43 Hopefully I'm infertile. That's the hope. A guy like you, I would totally have expected you to spread your seed. Spread my seed. I love how you roll with everything. You have a great sense of humor. So six years you've been doing it based out of Columbus, Ohio.

Starting point is 00:59:02 So you've been on the Funny Bone? Yeah. Right. And other places. Yeah you've been on the Funny Bone? Yeah. Right, and other places. Yeah. What do you do for fun? What does a retired doctor do for fun? Actually, just the comedy is most of my fun.

Starting point is 00:59:13 Let me ask you this. You had two wives. How did the first one end? You cheat on her? No. Okay, what happened? Well, it was one of those things. She was a high school dropout,

Starting point is 00:59:23 and I was a college dropout, and I grew and she didn't high school dropout and I was a college dropout. And I grew and she didn't. How were you a doctor and a college dropout? Well, at the time. You went to college? At the time. I went to the army and then I went to college. What the fuck did you do in the army?

Starting point is 00:59:40 I was a medical lab tech. Wow. Absolutely. They asked me to go into linguistics, but I said, well, I'm not fucking this language up bad enough, you need me to fuck up another one? Always kind of had a speech impediment? All my life.

Starting point is 00:59:56 Where do you think that comes from? How does that happen? Have you, you were a former doctor. Where do you think, how does that even happen? I have no idea. I don't know of any trauma, but I understand my father sounded like this, but he grew out of it and I didn't Father hit him And your dad didn't want to do that to you. How old are you Frank?

Starting point is 01:00:19 What a terrible age for a guy Six to six and six days I turn seven and seven. Jesus Christ Almighty, that thing is aggressive. Just lie about your age next time. Yeah, lie about my age. You're forty-two. Way over fifty. Is there one word that if people bring up in a sentence or like they ask you a question,

Starting point is 01:00:46 do you ever get in your head, you go, fuck, I don't want to say that? You seem like a pretty confident, fearless guy, which I dig, but... Yeah, well, there's sort of three words that people don't understand. Full, willed, and wail. I have no idea what's going on right now. I think you just put a curse on me. What the fuck did you just say? You say wail, whale, forward and whale?

Starting point is 01:01:05 Whale. Whale. And the problem is I like my steak medium whale. Oh my God. Oh my God. You know, if I were the waiter, I think you would say, I heard you say you like your steak medium whale. Yeah, that's what they usually say.

Starting point is 01:01:21 You want that whale done? I said, no, I don't want it too leather. I want it wet in the middle, but that didn't help much either, did it? Do you have like a long tongue or something like that? I'm trying to figure this out. I don't know. I started eating pussy at the age of 13 though.

Starting point is 01:01:36 Oh, hell yeah. Absolutely incredible. And I think my tongue became a little muscle bound. Okay. And did people tell you you were good at it? Did the ladies? Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 01:01:48 You can lick it, just don't say it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Wow, wow. Great, I'm taking that catchphrase. Incredible, so the second marriage, how did that end? I keyed it on her. Oh, my God. Can you look at those women's faces? Just like, how the fuck is that possible?

Starting point is 01:02:13 Wait, please tell me you sat her down and you go, so, look, you're about to experience a little bit of twamma. Uh... I've been eating another pussy. The guy is always queen-o. I've been fucking my speech therapist. Do you have, like, extra teeth, or, like, is it, like, what's the... Is it the tongue thing? It's the tongue, yeah.

Starting point is 01:02:35 So your dad grew out of it. How did he grow out of it? I don't know. Most people grow out of this. Yeah. So do you think a lot of your patients back in the day always got a second opinion? It seems very risky putting their lives in your hands. You just being like, your blood was not good. I think we need to stop talking about that. I mean it's like incredible. It's amazing the life that you had. So you saved enough money from being a doctor.

Starting point is 01:03:07 For how long were you a doctor? 27 years. 27 years. Thank you for your service. And you saved enough money to be able to just live your dreams and do whatever you want in comedy, basically. More or less. Yeah. Yeah. You own a house?

Starting point is 01:03:22 Yes. And you have a car? Yes. And you have a car? Yes. What kind of car do you have? I have a Hyundai IONX. I'm a cheap bastard.

Starting point is 01:03:31 Okay, alright. What's the nicest thing you've ever bought for yourself? I had a Mercedes once. Ooh, what ended up happening with that? I had some economical situations and I had to sell it. Would that be the divorce? And I'm glad. I'm glad. I mean, it was a pain in the butt. It was always expensive to do upkeep on it.

Starting point is 01:03:55 Yes, parts on Mercedes are expensive. Did you get killed in the divorce? Did you get killed in the divorces financially? Well, the first one. The second one, I have a pre-nup. Oh, nothing better than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you learn, man. You learn. That pre-nup is critical. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:14 You know, I'm actually looking for a new doctor, and I, uh... I'm serious. I would love if you would step in. I don't know what you charge, what your rates are. Is it a cold pay? but can I just text you? A lot of things of like, is this bad? There'll be a spot on my cock and I'll be like, hey, is this?

Starting point is 01:04:31 Anytime. You know what I think we should do? I think you guys should go behind that curtain. I think you should check your prostate right now. How does that sound, Tone? Look at that finger. Do that again, look at that. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:04:42 Look at that finger. Do that again. Look at that. All right. All right. Oh, my God. All right. All right. Well, I don't know. Yeah, get back there. And then, uh, uh, Tony, if you want to stick your face out of the curtain while he does it, you can feel free to do that.

Starting point is 01:04:59 Tony. Oh. Yep. They might be making love by this point. I don't know what's happening. This may have been a crazy idea. Oh, there it be making love by this point. I don't know what's happening. This may have been a crazy idea. Oh, there it is. Okay, here we go. Whenever you're ready. And he says, whenever you're ready, let's see.

Starting point is 01:05:12 I think we're probably... Oh, okay. Okay, come back out, Frank. Okay, he's so adorable. He almost stayed back there. I'm not even joking. He put a little bit of his finger stayed back there. I'm not even joking. He put a little bit of his finger in my butt. I wish I was joking. I thought that was a bit,

Starting point is 01:05:30 but he actually put a finger in between my legs. Nobody could see him, yet he's still committed to the bit. Give it up for this guy. That was... Wow. Absolutely. I'm gonna need a new pair of pants and a new doctor. Ha-ha-ha. Frank, you are a fucking little angel. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe.

Starting point is 01:05:51 You are absolutely going to be loved by the people. When you came out, I thought, this guy looks silly as hell. We're gonna have a lot of fun, uh, talking to him, but the comedy's probably not gonna be there, and, boy, you absolutely crushed the room. I loved it. You are as funny as you look. talking to him, but the comedy's probably not gonna be there. And boy, you absolutely crushed the room. I loved it.

Starting point is 01:06:06 You are as funny as you look. You are as funny as you sound. I love how you make fun of yourself and laugh at the jokes. Welcome, welcome. Come back, sign up again. All different shapes and sizes of people here. Absolutely anything can happen. We pull names out of a bucket,

Starting point is 01:06:23 and that is where we find all of our regulars. We're out here changing lives, giving people an opportunity. Like your next comedian, who is one of the top regulars in the history of the show, ladies and gentlemen, here with a brand-new minute, this is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everybody. -♪ Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo- That was horrible, though, and I just said... And I just said, talked it, so that's how I feel about it. I got a new girlfriend now. That's the dumbest shit I ever did in my life.

Starting point is 01:07:09 Don't worry for that. Pretty stupid. I got a... My girlfriend, she pretty. That's a problem. I hate that. Only dated ugly girls by design before. Because I like ugly women, because you can mold an ugly bitch. Wherever you want them to be. Where they gonna leave you.

Starting point is 01:07:27 Where you gonna go, doo-doo? You stuck with me forever. We locked in for life, you ugly whore. I love you though, you feel me? Cause a bad bitch, she know her worth. An ugly bitch not gonna go nowhere. I had an ugly bitch one time, I miss her so much. I miss her a lot, dog.

Starting point is 01:07:42 I mean, we was all eating food, my homeboy and shit, with all their girlfriends and shit like that. And they had me a little real duke. But the best thing about it is all my homeboy's girlfriends got their food before we did, right? And they started eating. But my ugly bitch didn't eat. She waited till I got my food.

Starting point is 01:07:58 And then my homeboy was like, nigga, she well-trained. And I was like, yeah. And then I found out that Boyford used to beat her. Thank that man. That's her. Ha ha. That's a good guy. I appreciate him for that.

Starting point is 01:08:10 Now listen, some of y'all didn't clap or laugh at that. You look very sad about that, man. I'm understandin' somethin'. I'm not sayin' I woulda hit her, but I'm thankful that somebody did, right? And... That's my time. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:08:24 Fuck yeah. Bing, bang, bang, but I'm thankful that somebody did, right? And that's my time. Fuck yeah. Bing, bang, boom, Cam Patterson. Another new minute and a half. Oh shit, okay hell yeah. I love it, the full fucking thing. You've done it again. Not easy to do a new minute every single week.

Starting point is 01:08:43 It's shit tough. It really is. Shit tough as hell. It's incredible. I hear all the time about, you know, we're doing stand-up all the other nights of the week and you hear, like, oh, that was just a da-da-da-da. Cam had a great set. Cam was here.

Starting point is 01:08:57 Cam was there. Ari's here. Ari's there. Everybody's working hard. Hell yeah. Always writing. It's incredible what we're doing here. And to see you do it, it's insane.

Starting point is 01:09:05 Hell yeah. Yeah, what's up? Hell yeah. How's things been going? It's been good, man. I've been pretty cool, man. Shit been dope. I just did a Deon Sanders show on Tubi. My dad really excited about that. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:09:18 Prime time? Yeah, hell yeah. How was he? It was dope. He was cool as shit, man. Deon Sanders is the man. He a good dude, man. that shit was fun as fuck. Was it stand up or? Nah, it's like a talk show.

Starting point is 01:09:28 It was cool to find that I've been on like real TV and shit. They had gave me like makeup, that felt gay. I ain't like that at all. Whoa, whoa, whoa, not gay. Nothing, I mean, look, look. I'm cool with the gays, look at that, you know what I'm saying? Wearing makeup is just fine. Nah, makeup pretty gay, man.

Starting point is 01:09:45 Does makeup work on you? What kind of makeup? What the fuck that mean, red man? What exactly did they do? What exactly did they do? What kind of makeup did they have? They had regular, a lady came in and did shit to my face. What was it? What color was the shit?

Starting point is 01:10:00 I don't know. I didn't ask no questions. You didn't look? I didn't want to know. You just closed your eyes? Yeah. She probably put powder on you because you look like you were baptized in Hennessey. You know what I'm saying? You got to just dab it up and clean you up a little bit.

Starting point is 01:10:14 You're an attractive guy. What the fuck that even mean, man? Yeah, I don't know. This is what he looked like before the makeup. He going to a funeral? Where he going? Ha-ha-ha. Who that, man? He is. Who the fuck is dressing D Madness, man? I love it.

Starting point is 01:10:33 You got on a turtle suit, nigga. You know that? He's got a bolo on tonight. A penguin. It's fun. It's fun seeing what D Madness wears. It's fun getting to tell D Madness what he's wearing. What is he wearing? He's the only person you get to break the news to. You won't believe this shit, nigga. You just for Prince's funeral, nigga.

Starting point is 01:10:54 This shit is crazy. A style king. We bust his balls a lot, but meanwhile, he is weekly the best-dressed band member on the show. You would think they're all blind. But no, they just don't fucking. Michael Gonzalez has been wearing a fucking upside down nacho bowl for the last year.

Starting point is 01:11:14 No one's talking about it. The old family tortilla over there, the fucking guy. Absolutely incredible. So Cam, you hung out with Deon Sanders. So you're gonna be at some like Colorado games? Pio over there, the fucking guy. Absolutely incredible. So Cam, you hung out with Deon Sanders. So you're gonna be at some like Colorado games? I went to one a couple months ago. Yeah, when I was playing this shit, that shit was dope. Yeah, I would have noticed you,

Starting point is 01:11:36 but everybody on the sideline looks exactly like you. But I had a Colorado shirt on and everybody thought I was a recruit. Yeah. And I would line my ass up too. I'm going, yeah, yeah, I'm on my recruit. Yeah. And I would line my ass up, too. I'm going, yeah, yeah, I'm on my way. Who know I might come for sure? Hell, yeah. Oh, yeah. Oh, line like shit.

Starting point is 01:11:51 Yeah, I don't want this to sound racist, but... Okay, wait, wait a minute. That's a terrible start. I know. That's one of the worst starts in America. Well aware of that, but is there like a... Deon Sanders is known for being a flashy, flair-filled guy, right? Yeah, yeah. So is there like a cool... Like, did he do being a flashy, flair-filled guy, right?

Starting point is 01:12:05 So is there like a cool, like did he do a really cool black handshake that even threw you off, do you know what I'm saying? That's a good question. Was the handshake complex? Now we both from Florida, so we got the same shit. We both from Florida, so it's like, you know what I'm saying? Can you show us, can you air show us

Starting point is 01:12:18 what a handshake with Deon Sanders? That fucking guy can't do it. A white guy in sunglasses. Why do you have some ass on right now? He could do it. A white guy in sunglasses. Get the fuck out of here. You can do it. Fuck wrong with you, nigga. And you're looking at your wife like, you better not know how to do it.

Starting point is 01:12:31 Oh, no, look, look. Go to the Puerto Rican with the gold grill over here. Here he is. Oh, oh, shh. Oh, that's it. See, it was simple. Oh, come on. It's real simple.

Starting point is 01:12:41 Tony Caruso has a better handshake than that. I can show you a blacker handshake than that. Yeah, let's go. Come on, Tony. Ladies and gentlemen. Follow my lead, all right? Now, play some cool rap music for me. Come on, like... Give him a good... Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:53 So let's say I walk into, like, a black nightclub, right? Which I love, by the way. I love... Because you're usually there to make some arrests of some kind. What are you doing? I'm usually looking for some big, fat, black pussy, Tony, but... Is it? Which is my website, big, fat, black pussy, backslash Tony Caruso.

Starting point is 01:13:10 So let's say I walk into the club and I go, Cam, good to see you. Yo. -♪ Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit. Whoa. Oh, up top, down low. And the reverse, fist bump, fist bump. Criss-cross, double-piece. Work in the rib section.

Starting point is 01:13:33 Oh, and then in. Oh. Yeah, there it is. Thank you, Sora! Hell, yeah. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Absolutely.

Starting point is 01:13:48 And then I call him the N-word. But I can do that in the car on the way home. Cam Patterson, we absolutely love you. Congratulations on being you. One of the top rising stars of the industry, the great Cam Patterson. Make some noise for his dad, Kenny Patterson's in the house somewhere tonight.

Starting point is 01:14:11 We love Kenny Patterson. We love Kenny. Sometimes I sound like Trump. We love his dad. Raised one of the good ones. Hello everyone, this podcast is sponsored by PrizePix. All Star Weekend is almost here Raise one of the good ones. You don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus. It's guaranteed. Think Steph Curry will get more than five three-pointers next week. Giannis for more than 35 points.

Starting point is 01:14:50 Cook up hot takes with your friends and win real money this basketball season when you and your crew run your game on PrizePix. Sports specialist Red Band. Tony, I love PrizePix. There are so many amazing opportunities to get in on this week on prize picks. I'm looking at the football board and selecting Jason Tatum for more than 29

Starting point is 01:15:11 points and Anthony Edwards for more than 25 points. You know who those guys are. That sounds very strong, Red Band. I like those picks. Download the app today and use code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Again, download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Price Picks. Run your game. This is an ad from BetterHelp Online Therapy.

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Starting point is 01:16:09 Make some noise for Ryan Jack. We're gonna meet him all together. This is that episode of Kill Tony. Hey, you guys. I'm in therapy. I like therapy because you learn a lot about yourself when you go, you know? Like my therapist told me that I have a hard time

Starting point is 01:16:26 telling people no. Then he pulled his pants back up. Yeah. That was a tough realization. That was a hard dick to swallow for sure, you know? I think I'm in therapy because I have a lot of addictions, you know? Like lately I've been addicted to watching police body camera videos on YouTube.

Starting point is 01:16:52 I can't get enough of these videos. I think the reason why I'm so addicted to these videos though is because they're all titled like porn. Like every cop video on YouTube I click on is titled like, 20 year old college girl gets what she deserves. Karen gets physical and learns her lesson, you know. Man packs heat and shorts, all the classics, you know. And just like porn, the more that I watch these videos,

Starting point is 01:17:20 the more I start to develop an unrealistic standard for police officers, you know. Like one time I got arrested and the cop pinned me down to an unrealistic standard for police officers, you know? Like, one time I got arrested, and the cop pinned me down to the ground, and I was like, I can't get hard. I'm sorry. I can't. He tried tazing me, choking me. There you go. Great set. Ryan Jack, the bucket is powerful tonight.

Starting point is 01:17:41 An incredible, incredible, another bucket pull. Jim Norton, thoughts? Very funny, and every punchline was hidden. I didn't see any of them coming. It was really, really good, man. None of them were predictable, really good writing. Very funny. Thank you, very funny.

Starting point is 01:17:58 Thank you, thank you very much. Yeah. Ryan Jack. How long you been doing stand-up? About four years. Four years, and you really are in therapy? I am. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:08 And what types of things, what types of trauma have you had in your life that you talk to your therapist about? Just mostly daddy issues, shit like that. My dad calling me retarded and shit all the time, but you know, what are you gonna do? That's it, that's how you end up being funny. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:18:23 Are you Theo Von's kid? I think so. end up being funny. Yeah. Are you Theo Vaughn's kid? I think so. Was your principal also a raccoon? No. Ryan, where are you from? I'm from Salt Lake City, Utah. Salt Lake City, Utah. Absolutely. You come from a Mormon family?

Starting point is 01:18:38 No, no, actually. Both of my parents were raised Mormon, but I am not. They kept us in Utah for some reason. I don't know why, but... Absolutely. How long have you been on stand-up? Four years? Four years, yeah. And what do you do for work?

Starting point is 01:18:51 I work at the Dead Rabbit down the Strayo. Oh, that's one of the best bars and restaurants in the city. Shout-outs, Dead Rabbit. Yes, that is a place that I have been to, unlike the Liberty. Uh... Too soon. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. I have been to, unlike the Liberty. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Too soon.

Starting point is 01:19:06 Ha ha ha ha ha ha. An incredible fucking place. Uh... Absolutely mind-blowing food and drinks. It's an award-winning bar. Uh, the only other location is in New York City. Won all the awards. The second ever location,

Starting point is 01:19:22 just a block away here on Sixth Street. West of here. Can I ask why your parents didn't raise you Mormon? Are you supposed to? I don't know, I think they just wanted to drink alcoholish. I don't know, I don't know what their deal was. Did they drink a lot? Yeah, a decent amount, not too much.

Starting point is 01:19:43 I mean, my dad binges every now and then. Yeah. Other than calling you retarded, did he beat you up a little bit? Yeah, almost. I think my mom stopped and my mom was like the saving grace and all that. So this trauma, I mean, I'm pretty sure everybody here- I mean, you're the one that brought up the trauma.

Starting point is 01:20:01 I mean, for the one that was really grilling on the trauma. I don't know. It was mostly a happy childhood, but. It seems like this therapist is pretty easy work cut out for. Yeah, yeah, he collects his check and goes. It's pretty fun. Is this a weekly thing?

Starting point is 01:20:22 Yeah, I try to keep it like once every couple of weeks, but yeah, because I'm running out of things to talk about. It's just kind of annoying at this point. Yeah. Talking about my dad. That makes sense. What else have you talked with your therapist about? Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:20:37 Just been an addiction, shit like that. OK, let's talk about that. There it is. What have you been addicted to? What are you addicted to? Eating pennies and putting your finger in the sock? Yeah, no. Pretty much. I've been...

Starting point is 01:20:51 What have you done? I've been addicted to a gas station, Kratom. Have you heard of that song? Oh, shit. Yeah. You guys, finally, someone respects me. I have some friends that are addicted to that. They don't know they're addicted to that, but there's a couple people that basically everyone

Starting point is 01:21:07 that tries Kratom kind of gets a, kind of gets a, they really like it. Let's put it that way. I'm not sure if we have any sponsors right now that are Kratom. So I think we've stopped it. What is it? What is it?

Starting point is 01:21:19 It's a, it is an herb. That's how they, that's how they, it's a natural herb, much like cocaine and, and, uh, heroin. Yeah. They sell this at gas stations and it's considered non-addictive. And what I've noticed is that people that have been addicted to things that are trying to not be addicted to things, try this, and they get addicted to this, but they say that they're not addicted to it,

Starting point is 01:21:42 but they do a little bit more every single week. Boy, if they weren't a sponsor, they are now. That was a great fucking plug for me. Yeah. Yeah. If you like it, get it from our people, whoever they may be. Did you ever try it? No. They just sent us all of this stuff. Yeah, I don't do anything.

Starting point is 01:21:58 I'm a very, very simple man. I don't do it. I don't go to the Liberty. Yeah. Ryan Jack. So, you got addicted to a gas station cradim. How wild did things get? What was your lowest point on gas station cradim? Did you ever suck a fucking cock for it?

Starting point is 01:22:16 No, dude. Me suck, I suck. Oh, wow, Red Band, very fast. Red Band. No, I suck cock for free. That's really, I just, I blow, I'm also bisexual, but oh, that's sort of is just a and then buy your own cratum. I'm sorry. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. No, I mostly just spending all my money on that. And you know,

Starting point is 01:22:37 that's that's really it. It's did your dad not like that you're bisexual? He called you retarded. But was that really the problem? He ignores it. I think he doesn't really want to, yeah. I think my dad had, my brother had to report him. Has he ignored? Has he ignored? Or just, my dad hinted at me, like being straight, and my brother was like, oh, Ryan's bisexual.

Starting point is 01:22:56 And I was like, all right, that's cool. That's fine, just don't. Your brother outies you. Yeah. How did you, and that's how your dad found out. Yep, yeah. So he's more men and you're more men. Yeah, absolutely. How did you first know that you were bisexual?

Starting point is 01:23:12 And is it like 50-50? How does that work? 60-40 women, my man? I say it's like 50-50. I don't know, I just always like playing with the boys on the school grounds when I was a kid. More than the girls. Well, it's a good way to save that there at the end with the when I was a kid.

Starting point is 01:23:27 When I was a child. Not now. We almost found out where your real therapy sessions were. All good. Oh, yeah. So what type of fiddling would you do with your classmates back in the day? I mean, mostly, I mean, wasn't until I was, I didn't fendle fondle with anyone back then, but I mean, like in high school, I'd hook up with friends and stuff.

Starting point is 01:23:54 D Madness just let out a homophobic gasp. All my friends watch the show. I'm sharing way too much right now, but it's fine. Sometimes I forget D Madness is homophobic, but he cannot hide it, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah, you just heard him go like this. He goes... Sounded like a blind queef. Ha-ha-ha-ha.

Starting point is 01:24:11 Great band name. They're opening up for Spike Bones next Friday. Now, you have great delivery. You came out, you have a cool look, right? I think there's a comedy checklist for me. It's cool look, easy delivery, and confidence, and you handle all three. Four years, do you feel like it's gonna... You're gonna stand the test of time, easy delivery, and confidence, and you handle all three.

Starting point is 01:24:25 Four years, do you feel like it's gonna, you're gonna stand the test of time, or is this like a hobby for you? I'm gonna try my best to make this work full-time, you know, just keep doing my thing, you know. You should, stick with it. Yeah, yeah, thank you. I love it.

Starting point is 01:24:38 Do you talk about being bi on stage? Yeah, I do, I do have some bits about that, yeah. Good. There you go. Yeah. Everyone's gotta know. I don't know, I don't Okay. Good. There you go. Everyone's got a no. I don't know. It's not like you're dead.

Starting point is 01:24:48 Cool. What's the longest set you've ever done, Ryan? Ten minutes. I'd love to have you do a short set on the secret show. Wow. There you go. You did it. Here's the big joke bug. Here it is.

Starting point is 01:24:59 Ryan Jack. Ladies and gentlemen. Yep. Okay, great. You guys are in for a special treat. One of the greatest Golden Ticket winners in the entire history of this show is here, ladies and gentlemen. One of the funniest young ladies working today

Starting point is 01:25:20 from Nashville, Tennessee. She is here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand new minute from Fiona Colley, Tennessee. She is here. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a brand-new minute from Fiona Colley, everybody. You know her. You love her. Nashville's finest. Many-time performer on the show. Golden ticket winner.

Starting point is 01:25:39 This is a brand-new minute from... Make some noise for Fiona Colley, everybody. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I don't think that women see me as like a threat. Like to their romantic relationships, which I find fucking ridiculous. Because I am perfect height. Laughter Applause Hmm. To suck your dude's dick.

Starting point is 01:26:38 Laughter That's not a joke, that's a thread. Laughter I'm kidding, I'm kidding. That's not a joke, that's a thread. Um... I'm kidding, I'm kidding. I don't suck dick. Um... Not during allergy season. That's just dangerous.

Starting point is 01:26:59 Uh... Talk about head cold. I'm gonna... Thank you. Fiona Colley, everybody, with a brand new minute. Whoo! Fiona, Fiona, Fiona. Hi.

Starting point is 01:27:17 Where do we even begin with you? Welcome back. Thank you. Absolutely always wonderful. There's a lot that happened there. Have you sucked dicks while sitting in the chair before? Is that a thing that you do? You have a boyfriend? I always see him.

Starting point is 01:27:30 Yeah, it's just, I gotta be charged forward and back. Yeah. Oh, that makes sense. That is correct. I love it. And how long have you been with your boyfriend again? A year and a half. A year and a half.

Starting point is 01:27:47 So you guys have been through a lot together, huh? Mm-hmm. How's it all going? Good? He's actually not my boyfriend anymore. Oh. My fiance. Whoa! Look at that. Wow.

Starting point is 01:28:04 Oh. My. Wow. Oh my goodness. Wow. Incredible. So until really, really soon do you part. Yeah. Fiona gets it. Yeah. True comedian.

Starting point is 01:28:23 Okay, she's not laughing as hard as I was hoping she would be. Keep it in, Yoni. No, it's just nice. He doesn't have to worry about, like, a runway bride. That's true. That's true. Or a prenup. That's true.

Starting point is 01:28:41 Or a prenup. Uh, good point. There you go, Rhett. No one knows how to stop the momentum faster than old Red Band here. A prenup? Anybody? Anyway. So what's going on?

Starting point is 01:28:54 Are your parents excited? Is your dad going to roll you down the aisle? Ah. Isolate that audio. I want that for my new email alert. Ah ha! Oh, my God. Oh, my fucking God. That was my favorite moment of the whole fucking show!

Starting point is 01:29:20 Ah ha! There are so many. The wedding, I mean, I can't even imagine. We're gonna tie a bunch of, like, cans and stuff to the back of your chair, just married on the back. Just clank your ass. Matt will have fun, yeah. That'll be good. Absolutely fucking looting.

Starting point is 01:29:37 Very happy for you. Yep. Thank you. Anyone can do it, you know? That's true. That's true. You're gonna fuckin' throw that bouquet behind you. Really, really shallow throw. Everyone will be crisscross applesauce.

Starting point is 01:29:54 It's right behind you. Right behind you. Applesauce, or as you call it, three meals a day. No, I'm kidding. She can eat normal meals, people. We're kidding. She's a... We meals a day. No, I'm kidding. She can eat normal meals, people. We're kidding. She's a... We laugh a lot.

Starting point is 01:30:09 She's a golden ticket winner, damn it. Ah-ha! -♪ Chicken eggs! -♪ -♪ Chicken eggs! -♪ Oh, my God. We're all taking it. Oh, my God. I love it. Where are you going to honeymoon?

Starting point is 01:30:27 Cabo. Wow. What are you most excited about about this wedding? When is it? In October. Okay. It's going to be in Nashville? All right.

Starting point is 01:30:42 Beautiful. So it's in October. What are you excited about? What's the... Uh, the tax break. Oh. Okay. All right.

Starting point is 01:30:52 Who's gonna marry you? You got a pastor or a friend or a... My stepdad. There we go. Perfect. Yeah. Perfect. Is he ordained?

Starting point is 01:31:02 Huh? All right. I don't know what I'm talking about. Great question. Is he ordained? Is he ordained? Huh? Uh... I don't know what I'm talking about. Great question. Is he ordained? Is he ordained? Is he legal to do it? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:10 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Let me ask you this. Did, uh... Uh-huh. Did you, uh... How did he propose to you? Uh, it was good.

Starting point is 01:31:20 Yeah? Let's hear about it. I bet you're real easy to surprise. Ha ha. Just gets down behind you. He's like, babe, spin around. You're not gonna fucking believe this shit. Oh, my.

Starting point is 01:31:36 There he is. There he is. It's incredible. The same guy from the prenup momentum stop earlier is the same. Welcome to the show, Red Band. He has arrived-est. Been sitting on that cue all night.

Starting point is 01:31:56 So let's hear, how did he propose to you? Um, first he took me to dinner at a restaurant called Bad Idea. Oh, misdirector. He took me to dinner at a restaurant called Bad Idea. Oh, misdirector. Yeah. Yeah, he got my ass, dude. It was terrible.

Starting point is 01:32:15 Yeah, so then I got a text from the booker Zainy's and she said that someone was there that wanted to meet me. I had to come right away. In comedy, it's fucking weird, so I was like, maybe that's real. I don't know. Um, so we left the restaurant and we're both real nervous in the car, I thought for, like, the same reason.

Starting point is 01:32:39 No. Um, and we got there, and I'm fucking all the way up, zooming around the corner. And... And... Yeah. And, uh, then I see the zaniest photographer,

Starting point is 01:32:56 and I was like, what the fuck? And... It's always the photographer. They're always there, ready to ruin a great surprise. It's always. And then Matt goes, come back here for a sec, and I looked up at the marquee,

Starting point is 01:33:10 and I said, will you marry me? Oh, my God. Wow. Now, did you say... That's so sweet. Did you immediately say yes, or did you go, ah-ha-ha-ha? Let me think about it-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- That's beautiful. A week ago, she's still on the same chair charge that she has, uh, for the... hasn't even had to plug in yet. Can you play PlayStation on that, too?

Starting point is 01:33:52 There's a fucking USB right here. Is there really? Yeah, I can start to vape. That's incredible, yeah. You steer the Titan sub with that. Yeah. The thing that died, they all died on it. Oh, yes.

Starting point is 01:34:06 I'm so sorry. That's okay. You're doing great, Fiona. What do you like to do for fun when you come to Austin, Texas? I always go to Terry Black's. Okay. Yeah. You have good taste.

Starting point is 01:34:20 Yeah, that place fucks. It's so good. Yes, it does. Yes. Yeah. It really does. What's your favorite thing to get when you're there? You're gonna hate me. Oh boy.

Starting point is 01:34:32 The mac and cheese. You go to Terry Black's for the mac and cheese? Oh, look at all the fat asses going crazy for this. Just a bunch of people on their last breaths. No, everything else is good, but the mac and cheese? Are you fucking kidding? Let me tell you something.

Starting point is 01:34:49 Fiona, we're trying to take care of you here. I'm gonna have you talk to a doctor. His name's Frank DeMint. Uh... I want you to make him say three drinks a day. Fiona, we're call we. We have really, really bad news. This mac and cheese is not a good idea if you want to sustain it. Look at what you're saying to me.

Starting point is 01:35:11 Fiona, you are absolutely unbelievable. Everybody loves you so goddamn much. You're such a part of the family. Congratulations on the October wedding. Make some noise for Fiona Colley, everybody. Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba Oh shit, Fiona just ran into D Madness. We're having a real battle of the titans over here. Nobody knows what the fuck's going on. D Madness is like, who put a fucking motorcycle on my foot? Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:36:01 Parents, when you visit California, childhood rules. If you don't remember how awesome childhood is, just ask yourself. What would kids do? Dance to a giant organ played by ocean waves? Yep. Camp in floating tree houses hundreds of feet off the ground? Check.

Starting point is 01:36:17 Jump in a big tub of mud on purpose? Call it rejuvenation. We don't care. Just pack your fun pants and let childhood rule your family vacation. Discover why California is the ultimate playground at VisitCalifornia.com. Hey, what's up? This is Joe from Pascass Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show.

Starting point is 01:36:39 We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America. It was basically 45 days of hell, or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper. We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends,

Starting point is 01:36:57 hanging out, good vibes. So check out Pass Gas wherever you get your podcasts. We having fucking fun tonight, huh? I don't know how we do it every week. It's been a great night for the bucket. Thanks so much for your next bucket pull anything can happen. This is Jack McWilliams, Jack McWilliams.

Starting point is 01:37:29 I hooked up with a girl the other day, and when I asked for consent, she said, before we go any further, I need to tell you my safe phrase so that you know when I feel uncomfortable and I want you to stop. I was like, of course. Not that kind of guy. I'm not gonna pressure you. Did you say a safe phrase?

Starting point is 01:37:44 Don't you mean a safe word?" She said, no, no, no, no. A safe word isn't specific enough. I could yell out any word in the heat of the moment, not actually want you to stop. I was like, totally. I'm on the same page. It just feels more complicated that way. Like, I'm not trying to hack your email here. Is there gonna be numbers, symbols, and upper and lowercase letter involved? I just...

Starting point is 01:38:11 What if we made it a random word that you'd never yell out in the heat of the moment? Like Gandhi. You're not yelling out Gandhi in the heat of the moment. And even if you do, I feel like I could tell if it's a bad Gandhi or like a give me more kind of Gandhi. You know what I mean? It's all in the tone.

Starting point is 01:38:28 No, she said her safe phrase is, hey, stop doing that. Thank you. Jack McWilliams. I've never heard Matt Mueling laugh so hard in my entire life. He absolutely loved that punch line. Incredible. Jack, welcome to the show. That is amazing that you had a set all about

Starting point is 01:38:56 a safe word or a safe phrase, because you are one of the rapiest-looking guys without a doubt that's ever been on this show. Every rapist ever looks up to you. Yeah. Um, that is what they look like. You look like that. And I look down on all the non-rapists.

Starting point is 01:39:12 There you go. Absolutely. How long you been on stand-up, Jack? Eight years. Eight years. Where at? Chicago. The whole time in Chicago? Two... Thanks. Two years in Bloomington, Indiana,

Starting point is 01:39:22 where I went to college, and then in Chicago, yeah. Okay. How tall are you? You're a big man. Six-five. Wow. Did everyone think that you look kind of crazy? Because you look like everyone that's ever accidentally smothered a hooker.

Starting point is 01:39:34 Yeah. Like, you didn't mean to do it, you apologized after, but it just happened and you got carried away. Yeah, no, I'm very apologetic afterwards, and it's hard to know my own strength and size, but, you know, we're figuring it out. You're holding that mic. What a fucking giant meat hook you have.

Starting point is 01:39:48 It's like me with a dog dick in my hands. Yeah. Just... Pfft. Jack, I love it. What do you do for a living? I'm a caddy. Oh, a real golf caddy?

Starting point is 01:40:03 Yeah. Wow. How long have you been on that for? Four seasons. Okay. In Chicago. It's a seasonal job. I found one here in Austin though that's a little sporadic, but over the top. You live here now?

Starting point is 01:40:15 So I'm a long distance with a girl in Austin. I've been living with her since November. Okay. We've been dating over a year. I'm at Spanish Oaks Golf Club. Yeah. Very, very nice golf course. Shut up. Shut up.

Starting point is 01:40:26 No doubt about it. They'll be super pumped to hear about the rape. It's gonna be good. Absolutely. It seems good. He's doing good, Spanish Oaks. Keep him close. This is where stars come from. This is good. They love the way

Starting point is 01:40:39 my meat hooks grab their driver. What does the girlfriend do for a living? She works at HEB. Oh, wow. Everyone's favorite. No doubt about it. Instant crowd pop always for H-E-B. What does she do there? She is in the beauty section, though, in a month she's starting management training.

Starting point is 01:40:56 Wow. Look at that. Everything you guys touch turns to gold over there. And how did you end up meeting this girl? Long-distance relationship, Chicago and Austin. She visited Chicago and came to a comedy show where I was the headliner, essentially the last comedian. Whoa, hello. And then what happens?

Starting point is 01:41:15 She comes up to you and goes, no, so I have a bit where I take a girl to the airport after three dates, you know, super not rapey thing to do. It's just being a gentleman. She clapped for me in the audience and then I kind of did a quick interaction and... Tighter up, yeah. So, pretty much right after the show.

Starting point is 01:41:36 And then what, you guys went on a date in Chicago the next day? Right after the show, we were, she was flying back the next day. When she said she lives in Austin, I was like, well, I've been meaning to visit there for this show. Did you guys hang out that night or anything? Yeah, for a few hours.

Starting point is 01:41:49 What'd you do? You go over to the Bean? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Just happens to be a landmark that I know a lot about. I always ask for consent before I go to the Bean. Sure. 100%. Nobody believes you. What does she like about you?

Starting point is 01:42:07 What does she like? Your personality? What does she say that she likes? She says I'm very kind. God damn it. She says... What did you say, Jim? I just knew it would bomb and I said it. No, nobody heard it.

Starting point is 01:42:20 No one knows who he is. I said she has an Edmund Kemper finish. I know that reference. That's great. He's saying you look like a big, rapey serial killer. I say it with love. I like him. He's my favorite. I really appreciate it. Yeah, he's great. Wait, what? How do you keep... I've done long distance 14 times, so how...

Starting point is 01:42:38 You have a handful of ways to keep it fresh and exciting, right? You can cheat or you can do phone sex. Yep, the big two. Say it again? The big two. The big two, yeah. Well, how do you keep it fresh? exciting, right? You can cheat or you can do phone sex. Yep, the big two. Say it again? The big two. The big two, yeah. How do you keep it fresh? How do you keep connected?

Starting point is 01:42:49 She would visit like every six weeks during caddy season and then now I've been here for a few months. Are you a good caddy? Back to back caddy of the year at my club in Chicago. Wow, absolutely incredible. How did you get so good at it? Well, my coworkers are either alcoholics or children, so it's not the highest bar.

Starting point is 01:43:11 That's also who your victims are. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Got it. Standing ovation from Antonio Caruso. I love it. Jack, before I let you go, what would we be surprised to know about you? Other than I have not sexually assaulted anybody.

Starting point is 01:43:30 Right. Yeah, say it in one of the cameras for your work. Yeah. Yeah. Let's see. Anything wild, any fun hobbies or anything? I got a DUI for smoking pot when I was 19. Whoa, Bloomington, Indiana?

Starting point is 01:43:46 Wisconsin, I was taking a road trip. Oh boy, yikes. My goodness, how'd you get caught? You admitted it? We had just hotboxed the car with two joints. So he pulled us over and was like, I'm pulling you over for a traffic violation. We said, what's the traffic violation?

Starting point is 01:44:05 And he just said, how much marijuana's in the car? So we were 19. We didn't really like, we know our rights. Right. Yeah. That makes sense. We got him. You want to be my doctor?

Starting point is 01:44:19 I fucking like you a lot. You're very funny. I do. You're kind. Thank you. Hey, I'm talking like you a lot. You're very funny. I do. You're kind. Thank you. Hey, I don't know. I went from being just a rapist to your doctor, so that's a pretty good...

Starting point is 01:44:32 That's it. Not the first one. Yeah, you should have seen the other rapey doctor that was here earlier, Red Man. You know, I'd love for you to headline the secret show Thursday. Holy! Look at that.

Starting point is 01:44:43 And a big joke bug. You did it. There he goes. Jack McWilliams, ladies and gentlemen. You know, the bucket pull is on this show out of control right now. Let's get one more up here. Let's see if we could go for it tonight.

Starting point is 01:45:02 Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dagan Asfaha. Dagan Asfaha. So, uh, I live in a gentrified white neighborhood, so there's a lot of pressure on me to be the friendly local black guy. And it's tough, you know? It's...it's hard. It's hard being a real nigger when you live on Avocado Street.

Starting point is 01:45:47 I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. It's hard because people don't understand race, you know? Like, one time I was at a comedy show, and I was watching a black comedian perform.

Starting point is 01:46:09 He was saying the N-word a lot. And this white woman next to me turned to me, and she was like... Am I allowed... to laugh? I was like, absolutely not. allowed to laugh. I was like, absolutely not. As a matter of fact, every time you hear the N word,

Starting point is 01:46:35 hold your breath. All right, that's my time. Dagen, Aspaha, am I saying that right? Dagen? Dejan. De I saying that right? Dagen? Uh, Dejan. Dejan. Yeah, yeah. Dejan, welcome, welcome, welcome.

Starting point is 01:46:49 Another amazing set. Congratulations to you. How long have you been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. Where at? I started in L.A. and then I moved back to Seattle like a year ago. What made you move to Seattle from L.A.?

Starting point is 01:47:04 There was no reason to be there in L.A. Right. Seattle like a year ago. What made you move to Seattle from LA? There was no reason to be there in LA. Right. I love it. Do you keep in touch with Captain Phillips? I already knew that shit was coming. You might as well play the Lion King music now. Well, you know what?

Starting point is 01:47:24 Let me just... All right. -♪ I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you, I'm coming to you We got you there. We got you. You took the bait. Oh, that's tonight's Fruit by the Foot, cue of the night. What do you do for work, Dejan? Uh, I was... I'm about to work as a tutor. I'm about to work with kids, but I was just working security right now. Okay. What are you gonna be tutoring them in?

Starting point is 01:48:01 You really are in a gentrified neighborhood. I've been taking you for the tutor type. I was like at an elementary school. Oh wow. I did that too when I was in LA for a bit. Okay. Yeah. All right, tutoring kids.

Starting point is 01:48:14 Is it fun working with kids? Kids like me, generally. You might be the only bucket pull tonight that's allowed near kids. You had some retired doctors, some scary, scary individuals up here. Yeah. I love it. What's your love life like? Oh, um...

Starting point is 01:48:34 I be dating casually. Yeah? You know what I'm saying? What are you into? What type of woman are you? What type of big booty bitch are you into? Ha-ha-ha! Rrrr! What was that noise? That was the noise of a pig. Big booty bitch, are you? What was that noise that was that was the noise of a pig that was red band red band thinks that big booty bitches

Starting point is 01:48:56 Implies that they are they are heavy eaters Man that's crazy you say I do like a fat ass. I don't know how I guessed. I just really just had just a hunch of some kind. I don't know. How fat? Can you do like a thing with your hands? Like how big? I mean, if she on, I like grabbing it, you know what I'm saying? I like, if she on top. Yeah. What the fuck did you just do? What was that?

Starting point is 01:49:22 What was that? Are you painting her back with crayons? If she on top, I'm doing this. I don't know what that is either. Well, maybe you don't know Tony Caruso. No, I'm a stand-up-against-the-wall guy, always. No shitting down. Once I shit down, I'm going to bed.

Starting point is 01:49:41 No doggy style. My knees can't handle it. I'm up against a wall, the closet or the fridge. Good night, good luck. You know when you do doggy style, my knees can't handle it. I'm up against a wall, the closet of the fridge. Good night, good luck. Wait, you know when you do doggy style, you're not supposed to be on all fours. You know that, right? All right, Tony Robbins.

Starting point is 01:49:52 Jesus Christ. Can I just fucking have a conversation with Saquon Barkley, whoever the fuck this guy is? Now, you said you were security for... You said you were sec... Yeah. You said you were security for... You said you were sec... Yeah. You said you were security for who?

Starting point is 01:50:08 Panera? No, nigga. Who? Who are you security for? You said security. I just... I have done security work for just, like, office buildings around type shit. Oh, great.

Starting point is 01:50:18 So, any office building that needs somebody to watch over you. Yeah, I used to do that just because it was, like, cushy and I could, like, write jokes during the daytime, you know, type shit. But I had the other security job I had, they were just trying to make me do actual security. And I was like, fuck no, nigga. Yeah, they would be like, confront that crackhead now.

Starting point is 01:50:38 I'd be like, what? They'd be like, you're good, you don't have a gun, but it's okay. Like, because it was unarmed security. I was like, nigga, that's a paradox. Right, exactly. You're skateboarders and shit. Damn right.

Starting point is 01:50:52 Yeah. That's the name of my next special, N-word that's a paradox. Can't say it, all right. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. What else do you do for fun, Dejjan? I mean, it's hard to have hobbies because I'm constantly doing this shit.

Starting point is 01:51:10 Yep. But honestly, casually dating. I was dating a lot when I got back to Seattle. What do you like to do? What's your move? Give us some tricks. Give us some dating with Dejan tricks. What are some, what do you like to take a girl? How do you close? Wait, what is it? Dejan. Dejan tricks. What are some, what do you like to take a girl? How do you close? Wait, what is it?

Starting point is 01:51:25 Dejan. Dejan. Yeah. All right, Dejan. I'm gonna take the A out of this and just go with the E. Dejan. Yeah, Dejan. Dejan.

Starting point is 01:51:34 You made my name black, Dejan. Well, I mean that's... Let the record show. This is not an easy job. Most television show hosts have a pre-interview They fucking they meet the person before his name is spelled D ae which is day And then it's gen. I know it's felt confused. Yeah, you have a point. I don't mind when people mispronounce it Can you imagine being on a date with this guy? She's like so it's so nice to meet you Dejan and he's like

Starting point is 01:52:00 with this guy and she's like, so it's so nice to meet you Dejan. And he's like, hey. Hey. Bitch, you be bragging on my name. Hey, you know what's crazy? Somebody mispronounced my name while I was hitting it too. Oh, shit. Yeah, she said it just the way you said it.

Starting point is 01:52:16 What did she yell, Beetlejuice? Yeah. She was like, ooh, Dejan. And I was like, uh huh. She's like, ooh, Dajon. And I was like, uh-huh. Uh-huh. You were like, it's Dajon. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:52:30 It's Dajon, bitch. It's Dajon. Spell it. D-E-J-U-A-I-N. Get off my arm. I'm sorry to blacken up your name. I'm sorry. So, Dajonwey, tell us... Nigga, I knew it.

Starting point is 01:52:49 Whip it through the... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What are some dating tricks of yours before I get you out of here? Uh, you got to... you got to schedule... If you talking to her, you you gotta schedule the date ASAP. Like within the first five messages type shit. Yep.

Starting point is 01:53:10 And then you meet her in person. And then by the way, I'm not no like, nigga, that be getting pussy all the time, but. That's what you have to say, I get it. But you gotta schedule the date ASAP, do some simple shit. Just talk to her, get drinks, type shit. You don't gotta take her to an aquarium.

Starting point is 01:53:28 You're goddamn right. You're goddamn right. You don't gotta... Hell yeah. And introduce the idea of sex ASAP. That's what I... Absolutely. My early 20s, I fucked that up.

Starting point is 01:53:42 I never, like... Yeah, you could go to the aquarium. Yes! Aquarium is your brother's name, right? Oh my God. You are fantastic. What's the longest say you've ever done, Dejan? 20.

Starting point is 01:53:59 20 minutes? I'm gonna have you on the secret show. Secret show, book it, lock it. Big joke, folks. Unbelievable performance. Dejan Asfaha has arrived. What an unbelievable bucket, night of bucket pulls we've had.

Starting point is 01:54:16 And before we put a ribbon on this thing, I think it's time we bring to the stage someone to give us a little violin performance, everybody. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jake Kennedy, everyone. I think it's Jake Kennedy, right? Where the fuck is he? Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:54:40 How adorable is this? Oh my God. The world's smallest violin, literally. Give me some right lighting for this situation. This is an all-time Kill Tony first. We've never, out of all the musical excitement that we've ever had, we've never had a violinist. I'm very excited about this.

Starting point is 01:55:02 Play something that's not copyrighted music, please. YouTube has an unbelievable computer system that's stronger than ever to be able to copyright strike us. Even me saying the word copyright strike might be a copyright strike. They are so strict nowadays. Ladies and gentlemen, this, a first in the Killtony universe,

Starting point is 01:55:21 the first violin performance from one of the most absolutely adorable little fucking oompa loompas we've ever seen in our entire lives. Here, with his tiny little fingers. Hold the mic next to it if you can. Tony, we got it, we got it, relax. Tony, sit the fuck down, don't ask any questions, relax.

Starting point is 01:55:41 Can you play the Cool Runners theme song? Yes, there you go, okay, shut the fuck up. Ladies and gentlemen, as we all settle in and relax for this performance, this is, oh, there's a lot going on. They'll figure it out. They'll figure it out. They're professionals, Jake, just play.

Starting point is 01:56:01 Jake is used to playing with a bunch of little mice. He normally plays in a band of mice. Mice, they're called when there's a group of tiny little m-mice. Ladies and gentlemen, this, with the tiniest fingers we've ever seen, is Jack Kennedy. I'm sorry. Ladies and gentlemen, perhaps one of the greatest musical moments in the history of the show. They are on their feet here in the live music capital of the world. Tony Caruso is going to throw his jacket out there.

Starting point is 01:57:43 He's got a big joke book. He's got a big joke book. He's got a little joke book. He's got the musical performance of a lifetime. One more time for Jake Kennedy, ladies and gentlemen. Jake, you know what? I want you to join the band one of these nights coming up. Talk to John Dees. You're going to be a band member. Not full time, but he's gonna make a couple appearances.

Starting point is 01:58:09 We'll see what happens. You'll see him over there with the horn players or something. Luckily we can fit him anywhere on the stage. You would think we've run out of room. He's literally the only musician that we can add. Add, add, sound, sound. Check, check, check.

Starting point is 01:58:24 Hello? Check, check, check, check, check. Check, check, check. Hello? Check, check, check, check, check. Fucking something, check back. There you go, it's Keno, everybody. The great, famous Keno. Tony, that was the best. Who said earlier during sound check that he'll never make another mistake again.

Starting point is 01:58:37 That was the best Make-A-Wish musical performance I've ever seen. It is incredible. You know, there was a band that played during the sinking of the Titanic. Not a lot of people know this, but Jake played the violin during the... when that little sub went down to go play.

Starting point is 01:58:56 And, yeah, he was playing. He can fit in there. He can fit in crazy places. So he was in the little submarine playing. And when the thing exploded, he fucking... The violin had a... He's light enough. And when the thing exploded, he fucking, the violin had a, he's light enough, he's buoyant enough, he fucking shot right up to the surface. It's absolutely, that's actual sound of him coming back up

Starting point is 01:59:14 to the surface. Look, this guy's had a few weeks off. There's only one way to end a fucking episode like this. It's been way too long. You guys know what's about to happen. As I bring to the stage the Hall of Famer with the most appearances ever, with the most interviews ever. This is the long-awaited return, the longest we've ever gone without seeing him. This is the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery.

Starting point is 01:59:46 ["Big Red Machine"] When Trump's people took over, they discovered Biden had budgeted $50 million for condoms in Gaza. I'd heard they do a lot of tunneling over there, but, damn! Oh! They just found vomit in Denmark that is 66 million years old. Red band, you never told me you did stand up for cavemen.

Starting point is 02:00:26 Because when somebody does so bad, it's stand up to people in the audience vomit. That's what I was going for. So I've got a rebranding opportunity. Instead of Goldman Sachs, Goldman Sachs. It's not about your asset size, it's your circum size. A woman recently went blind when she actually put nail glue in her eyes instead of eye drops. I'm not a doctor, but here's some advice.

Starting point is 02:00:54 Don't do that again, you stupid bitch. Okay, that's my time. Exactly. 59.99 seconds. Almost like a man with the all-time record. The man who's done it more than anybody else. William, we have missed you. Welcome back home. I know. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 02:01:16 It really is so nice to be back. This is kind of a... Honestly, this is a very cautionary tale. I was playing too much Call of Duty, and it made me depressed, Tony. So I cautionary tale. I was playing too much Call of Duty, and it made me depressed, Tony. So I stopped playing it, I think, three weeks ago, and now I'm back working out and reading books,

Starting point is 02:01:31 trying to get out of my funk that I have in my brain. Because seriously, if you're out there grinding for these camouflages on your weapons, it turns into this really sad, depressing nightmare. So if you're one of these people doing this, stop immediately, start working out, start reading books, do something different for your brain. Because it really, Tony, turned very dark for me.

Starting point is 02:01:52 It is true. It is true. You had a video game addiction. The closest you would get to doing anything else would be to look out of your blinds and complain about whatever your neighbors in the parking lot were doing. It became a cautionary tale.

Starting point is 02:02:10 You went down a rabbit hole. Well, I'm reading next to my window, so I'm still able to look out, and Tony, somebody recently moved into one of the apartments, and they weren't supposed to. This is now the second time I've caught a homeless person moving into the apartments next to me, so I've still got my eyes out on there.

Starting point is 02:02:27 Wow. Look at that. Something's never changed. I know. I have to have a purpose. How do you break a Call of Duty addiction? How do you break it? Just start shooting real people. Yeah. How did you wean yourself off of it? You were in very deep.

Starting point is 02:02:42 Yeah, I really, Tony, was feeling horrible in my brain. I was so horribly down, and I would like to think I'm gonna blame it on the Call of Duty, and things are better now that I'm not playing the Call of Duty, but seriously, it was, I was playing, I don't know, 15 hours a day. It's a real thing. I don't allow myself to have a legit video game system. Yeah, don't ever do it, Tony, because it's so fun. I know.

Starting point is 02:03:10 It's really fun, but it's too much. It seems very, very easy to just sit there and live a life of fantasy. Yes. And there's perhaps a lot of people out there listening right now, I'd imagine, that look up to you. And, you know, which is absolutely insane to me. And...

Starting point is 02:03:27 Well, there was one sweet guy on an Instagram post I did. He's like, oh, my gosh, I was going through bad times. Your comedies really helped me. I was gonna kill myself or something. And then some piece of shit said, well, you should have killed yourself, then, dumbass. Because I don't know... Well, in my defense, I was drunk when I wrote that.

Starting point is 02:03:43 So I didn't think you were going to read it. So, tomato tomato. But, you know, by the way, seeing a guy play Call of Duty with a Sesame Street Live shirt has got to be the most terrifying thing. Imagine being a Postmates driver dropping off soup to you. You walk out being like, I just lost six more of my friends.

Starting point is 02:03:59 And he's like, all right, man, you look like a guy going to NOM to look for ladyboys. But, you know, here's your soup. Well, man, you look like a guy going to NOM to look for lady boys, but here's your suit. Well, I got this at Disney World. And Tony, I went to Disney World at the beginning of the year. Nobody ever go to Disney World or Universal Studios in January because everybody was sick. And I ended up with the flu for two weeks, Tony.

Starting point is 02:04:17 I got 104 fever one of the nights. And I was almost getting in the ice bath in my bathtub, almost getting my girlfriend to put rubbing alcohol on my body, I didn't know what to do. Wow. What ended up solving your problem? It just went down the next day,

Starting point is 02:04:31 so I didn't have to go to the doctor. What's your favorite ride at the D-World? It's a small world. I love that one, it's real nice, just all the cultures coming together, it's chill. Love that. I love it. Absolutely, absolutely incredible. What are your big plans for 2025? all the cultures coming together, it's chill. Love that. I love it. Absolutely.

Starting point is 02:04:45 Absolutely incredible. What are your big plans for 2025? This is our, I believe, first time seeing you this year. Is that correct? Yeah, it's been January off. We miss you, William. You're a staple of the comedy world and you're one of the funniest guys on planet Earth.

Starting point is 02:05:00 I mean, you just took 20 years off. What the fuck do you know? I've got YouTube. Yeah, I don't know. This is my first time meeting you, but I get a good sense of you that you're needed. You're needed a... Fuck you, Tony.

Starting point is 02:05:16 Yeah, you're talking to him like a fellow... You're talking to a fellow Keltoni Hall of Famer or something like that. I feel like he brings a lot to not only the show, but to the world. So that's what I'm trying to say. I could not absolutely agree more. William, you are a ridiculous superstar. You are our Conor McGregor, our Hulk Hogan.

Starting point is 02:05:35 You are the man. Make some goddamn noise for the one and only William Montgomery. Is that violinist still back there? Is he still back there? Does he have his little fucking tiny instrument? Does he? Is he? Violinist? Yes? He left? Oh, that's a shame. Well, then our normal band will play us out.

Starting point is 02:05:56 Tess was tonight's episode, everybody. Make some noise for Jim Norton. Jim Norton Can't Save You, available everywhere. It's a new, unbelievably awesome fucking show. Tony Caruso is on tour with Adam Ray, believe it or not. Incredible. Adam has such an open mind, one of the great creative forces of the world.

Starting point is 02:06:19 He has Dr. Phil on tour. He has his own standup tour. He kills it everywhere he fucking goes. Everything he touches turns to gold. Dr. Phil with Dr. Phil on Netflix. A lot of other unbelievable things happening. So for you to get to work with Adam Ray is incredible. How about one more time for the Kill Tony debut

Starting point is 02:06:39 of Tony Caruso. How loud can this place get for the great Jim Norton? The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers did tonight. Oh, it's me. Ooh la la. Look at that.

Starting point is 02:06:55 Dehydrated me. Filled with testosterone and a lack of water. This episode is brought to you by Zip Recruiter and Nicked Nicotine Pouches. That's N-Y-K-D. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, everybody? I'm on tour. By the time this episode comes out, tickets will be on sale.

Starting point is 02:07:19 I'm doing the Honda Center in Anaheim, California. A very big arena I'm doing. Stand up there. Who knows, maybe some friends from LA will be able to make a little drive, pop in. Who knows, I don't know. We'll see. Talk to your buddy Adam for me. Put in a good word.

Starting point is 02:07:37 It's gonna be fucking amazing. I'm also doing the Maverick Center in Salt Lake City, Utah and a bunch of other great places. Detroit, some casinos, big fancy joints. All of it's at TonyHinchcliffe.com or Ticketmaster. There's still, I think, a couple tickets available for the Kill Tonys in Nashville at the Bridgestone Arena April 4th and 5th,

Starting point is 02:07:58 and a lot of other fun stuff. Red Band? You know, William has a podcast called The William Montgomery Show with our friend Casey Rocket. Check it out guys. Yes, yes. Support everyone in the Kill Tony family.

Starting point is 02:08:11 We love you, we love you guys. You guys are the heart and soul of it all. Good night, thank you, we love you. Goodbye everybody. This guy's a legend in the comedy game, took 20 years off his stand-up, but he's back in the game now. 20 years since I've been on stage, but it's time to get back to it. I'm gonna go give it a shot, Josh. I'm going to go materialize it.

Starting point is 02:08:46 Make some noise for Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso. Tony Caruso, everybody. Tony! Turn your back on the sandwich, they say, and see if that old whore still comes, right? Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:09:02 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Still cunts, right? The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. you you

KILL TONY - #705 - KIM NORTON + TONY CARUSO

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