KILL TONY - #706 - 2025 NYE

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Time. Oh Happy New Year! I'm feeling me, I'm feeling me Oh shit. Oh my!

Starting point is 00:01:10 I'm feeling me, I'm feeling me Oh my god! Fucking 50 Queen baby! I'm feeling me My brother hates you, nigga. She knows it, man. Yeah, the fuck she knows. Is that fucking Tony Hawk?

Starting point is 00:01:29 Drew Nickens! Drew Nickens! What the fuck? Drew Nickens! Oh, my God. Do you like to be on the secret show on Thursday? All right, next up is the host of the number one live podcast in the world, Tony Hinchcliff. Let's go, Tony.

Starting point is 00:01:45 She doesn't eat pussy. She all hell gnaws on it. Earthquakes on his feet. I'm killing. Oh my God. Fuck you, Tony. The Roast of Tom Brady was the most watched program in Netflix's entire history.

Starting point is 00:02:00 Holy shit. Ever. Coming to you live from the Kia Forum, here in Los Angeles. Coming to you live from the Kia Forum, here in Los Angeles! Coming to you live from the YouTube dinner! I'm not built for this, I'll admit it. You gotta be mean when they suck. Autism runs in my family.

Starting point is 00:02:16 It's sprinting in your family. Oh my god, let's see that. I used to get high with the Night Stalker. This is Joe Biden! The real President of the United States is here! Who just shit my pants? They pulled a YouTube record for retention rate. 2.5 billion minutes watched.

Starting point is 00:02:38 You Americans are really quite deranged. We are. Is it possible to eat it with our butt? U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.! Time for Tony! We fucking did it! Tony history! There's a giant bean in downtown Chicago? Yeah!

Starting point is 00:02:57 What the fuck is going on? Deep madness is live and epic! I mean, wow, you look stunning tonight, William. Coconut, coconut pie. Boop-boop-boop. Please welcome to the stage comedian, roaster, and host of the Kill Tony podcast, Tony Hinchcliffe. I don't know if you guys know this,

Starting point is 00:03:16 but there's literally a floating island of garbage in the middle of the ocean right now. I think it's called Puerto Rico. Who is that, Jack White? Who is that guy? Actually, I think it's called Puerto Rico. Who is that Jack White? Who is that guy? Actually, I think that's Tony Hinchcliffe, which is super disappointing. A so-called comedian made a number of racist comments.

Starting point is 00:03:31 Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe. Tony Hinchcliffe. This is about human rights, people rights, and this is about my people. Tony Hinchcliffe, you go f*** yourself. I apologize to absolutely nobody You won't hear from the vice president tonight. Donald Trump has won the presidency. Among the key factors in his win,

Starting point is 00:04:08 support from Latino voters. He expanded his support among Latino voters. 55% of Latino men back Trump nationwide. Hey, this is Redman coming to you live from the HGV Center in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony! Let's go! Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? Brian Ray Band, ladies and gentlemen. What's up, everybody? The best damn band in the land.

Starting point is 00:05:40 Jamming extra hard, extra long, arena style for you. How we fucking feeling tonight, huh? Make some noise for Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrondes, Chicken Enchilada. That's Big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Joining us tonight, truly one of the biggest stars in all of music, I think he's gonna be recognized as one of the truly the biggest stars in the world, that's Marcus King. He joins us every New Year's here in Austin. We got the rest of

Starting point is 00:06:19 the usual band, the great and powerful Matt Mueling on the electric guitar. Indeed the leader of it all, John Dees on the keys. And no doubt about it, let him hear you. It's Dee Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God. Unbelievably exciting stuff in store tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hello there, this podcast is sponsored by Tacovus.

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Starting point is 00:09:24 Via Rail, love the way. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Yeah! You know what's great about this show is sometimes it's the fucking biggest fucking comedians in the world. Sometimes it's this, sometimes it's that. Last night we had both of the guests of the year,

Starting point is 00:09:50 the newest one, Harlan Williams, last year's winner, Adam Ray. Part of the problem with this show is we make these guys so goddamn famous that everybody has gigs on New Year's Eve nowadays. And a lot of people are sick right now. I don't know what kind of lab leaks they're planning for this inauguration. But the best part of this show is that I believe that we truly have a reputation

Starting point is 00:10:22 for putting people on panel that are the future before they even get as big as they're going to get. They are here always and then you watch them become superstars internationally and everywhere streaming and this and that and this is the type of booking that I chose for tonight. I said let's fucking go renegade style. Our last show of the year in Austin, Texas. I decided that I want two of my funniest friends, two people that I think are going to be unavailable on New Year's Eve next year. So I'd like you to get as loud as you can

Starting point is 00:11:05 for tonight's guest, two of the funniest comedians in the world. First, I'm gonna bring up who I truly think is the rookie guest of the year. He made his first appearance this year. Make some noise for him. Austin resident, you know him from the Shane Gillis crew. This is James McCann everybody. Hell yeah, oh yeah, on panel, on New Year's Eve in a fucking arena.

Starting point is 00:11:32 Once a little Australian swordsmith now living his dreams. Fuck yeah, welcome James. I'm gonna jump right into it. Yes! Thank you for having me and your other guests tonight He was with us at Madison Square Garden truly a brother who I have fucking You know just done everything with over the past 18 years I couldn't be more excited that he's with us on panel one of the funniest humans in the world Let's see how loud this place can get for the great Joe DeRosa, everybody. Hell yes.

Starting point is 00:12:12 We are having fun here tonight. A veteran of the show, multiple time guests, very funny man. Him and I make fun of each other a lot. We go back and forth, two of my favorite drinking buddies. We do, and I wanna thank you for letting everybody know we were your absolute last choices. Yes, Shane is sick. RFK Junior even has COVID, you can't make it up. The most unvaccinated human in the world, RFK Junior even has COVID. You can't make it up.

Starting point is 00:12:45 The most unvaccinated human in the world, RFK Junior, somehow has COVID. My favorite part was hearing the 10 people that cared when you were like, sometimes they're not famous. They were like, uh, yeah, I guess. What the fuck? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Fuck. Look, we're gonna have a hilarious episode. I have so many surprises wired in. You guys are two of the funniest.

Starting point is 00:13:13 Who needs fame when you got funny? Look, I'm thrilled. I don't know if you know this. I don't know if you know. I was the first one back after everyone pulled out last time with the Puerto Rico unpleasantness. This is true. But I wanted to say this.

Starting point is 00:13:31 This is exactly my one year anniversary of being in America. I flew like 30 hours last year. I sat backstage, Danny Brown was asleep. I don't know what was going on there. This is the first place I went and I've gone from watching the show It's an honor to be here and I want to thank all the kill Tony people up here and out there who've made it happen This is the most beautiful thing

Starting point is 00:13:54 Two of the funny weird and it's true James McCann was one of the only Comedians to answer the phone less than 24 hours after the Trump rally when to answer the phone less than 24 hours after the Trump rally when Johnny Knoxville and Don L Rawlings ran for the hills and said they can't do it. No, they're great. You can't blame them. Those guys expect to make more movies in the future. Nobody knew which direction the election was going at that time. I don't blame them. I would have canceled on them too. Can I tell the quick story of when we were hanging out at the mothership and we were drinking

Starting point is 00:14:30 right after the Trump thing happened. Yeah, couple days after. And we're sitting next to each other and it's quiet in the bar and I go, Tony, are you good? Are you handling all this okay right now? The backlash, whatever. And he goes, yeah dude, I'm good.

Starting point is 00:14:43 And I go, seriously buddy, we're friends. Are you good? And he goes, yeah, dude, I'm good. And I go, seriously, buddy, we're friends. Are you good? And he goes, yeah, I'm good, dude. And I go, you don't have to be tough with me right now. We're friends. Are you good? And he goes, what are you fucking gay? It wouldn't stop these fucking New Yorkers over here.

Starting point is 00:14:59 Are you sure you're OK? The news says you're not OK. MSNBC says your life is in shambles right now. I'm like, I'm trying to have a fucking whiskey and a cigarette. Shut the fuck up. I'm fine. But we're having fun tonight. Truly two of my favorite humans. We're gonna have a blast. I promise you.

Starting point is 00:15:20 I'm gonna pre-pool a name. You guys know how this show works. Yeah, the bucket is what makes it. We could find the next star here. Anything can happen. You know how it works. Comedians get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. Or else they, uh, they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry... wait a second. They have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry, wait a second. Wait a second. The The It's The Undertaker! Austin's own The Undertaker, Mark Calloway. The Six Feet Under podcast, which I've done. Make some goddamn noise for the great, the powerful.

Starting point is 00:17:12 What a surreal moment this is. You comedians better stick to your fucking time tonight. I'm warning you right now. I'm fucking itching to take somebody's head off. I love it. I haven't seen you since WrestleMania. You're the fucking man. This is a childhood dream. For those of you that might not know, but I'm pretty sure everybody knows the Undertaker has been hanging from the side of the bucket of destiny for as long as we can remember. So this is an extremely surreal moment to have the actual size, real actual undertaker here.

Starting point is 00:17:47 I don't know if I'm going to fit on the bucket, but stick me in it, motherfucker. I don't know. Hey, before I just want to say this. Austin is already the music capital of the world, the food capital of the world, and you, my friend, are making it the Comedy Central of the world. Tony Hinsquith. Don't sell that man short right there. Thank you so much. It is such a damn honor to have you in the house tonight super surreal fucking moment I think for everybody I saw a fucking Latino guy in a hoodie wiping tears away from his face There's some dudes fainting in the crowd like women did for the Beatles back in the 60s. I love it We but we shocked the world with this one

Starting point is 00:18:43 60 seconds, right? That's all they get? That's all they get. Or else I'm pretty sure you throw them back to where they came from. I'm right here. I'm waiting to go. Make some noise for the fucking Undertaker, ladies and gentlemen. Keeping everybody in line tonight. You can't make this shit up. God damn it. Look how cool this is. You got a nerd boner, don't you?

Starting point is 00:19:11 I'm telling you. I have to host a show while living my own make-a-wish. This is incredible. God damn, what a cool show this is. Who came up with this idea? We're going to have some goddamn fun tonight. Let's get it started while they wrangle that first bucket pool. I figure we'll get it started with a bang.

Starting point is 00:19:40 I'm just going to say it. I always give this guy a huge intro. I always say one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show I'm gonna say it right here right now for the first time This is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show This is a brand new minute getting us started tonight with a fucking bang Make some noise for Martin Phillips. Yes! Here he is, live in the flesh with an uninterrupted 60 seconds. It's Martin Phillips, everybody. Oh shit, oh man, I heard there was a Kid Rock sex tape so I was

Starting point is 00:20:35 interested I was gonna look it up but after I wrote the first for a kid. I was like, I'm out. No, this is a trap. This is set up. Anyway, some guys say they have gay daughter and it's like, yeah, I have boners too, you know. We're all aware that my voice is similar to RFK Junior's, uh, but now, he's gonna be head of the health department, we're all gonna start sounding like this, so welcome to hell! Ha ha ha. That was the... Martin Phillips with exactly one minute. Oh yeah, man.

Starting point is 00:21:28 Like a fucking surgeon, as always. Joe DeRosa. I was hoping he'd go over because I wanted to see the Undertaker slam him and watch his body straighten out. I am terrified of that. I like with the wrestling thing you've dressed as the rock from that 90s photo shoot. Yeah, dude. It is incredible. That turtleneck goes great with your turtle legs.

Starting point is 00:21:52 My turtle body. Hell yeah. Is there a medallion on that necklace? There might be something in the back. I think it's behind you. You're rocking it behind you? Yeah, so I bought this today because I heard with the journal that you need a chain so this is $3 from Walmart in the girls section. Fuck yes. So yeah, I did this well with it, so...

Starting point is 00:22:26 That is some rock star shit. You were already at Walmart because you're the greeter there, right? Yeah, yeah. Hey, good benefits, good benefits. I love it. Martin, how's life been going? How are your holidays and whatnot? It was good, good news.

Starting point is 00:22:44 I hooked up with What are you gonna do right there? Right that's already trying to mock me. I Hooked up with a Puerto Rican woman, so I'm doing my best to repair the relationship between the show and the community. That's right. I think you may have accidentally kicked a power cord when you were on your way out. Their power is out today. Puerto Rico. But yeah, I'm willing to have sex with as many women

Starting point is 00:23:25 for as good of a show. I love it. Was it a Puerto Rican woman or was it a dumpster that you fucked? Oh, it was a woman. You would be very good in the next West Side Story, I think. Did you notice anything different about a Puerto Rican woman than, you know, say another?

Starting point is 00:23:43 Oh, no, it was about the same. IG? Good question. Okay. All right, right, Ben, very good. And I'm sure there's a sound effect you could have hit instead of. Yeah, come on.

Starting point is 00:23:56 Did you guys fuck to shake that, that, that, that dick? Yeah, I got me over here. Was there? We fucked to shake, shake, shake, shake, shake, shake. Okay. Was there... We fucked up. Shake, shake, shake. Shake, shake, shake. Okay. Was there music playing? Oh, no, no.

Starting point is 00:24:11 Was it at your place, her place? Oh, I was... I was crashing at a friend's house, so I did the courteous thing and went to her place. Okay. Yeah. All right. And this was on her bed bed in her bedroom? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:24:26 Was it your first time hanging out with her? Yeah. Yeah. Uh-huh. How long did you guys hang out before getting wet and wild? She had a saltwater at the show and we hung out after and yada yada y yeah, yeah, yeah. Right. Absolutely. So you have a few drinks in her. Who was walking the straightest by the end of this? I was just saying, nobody, nobody drove. Nobody drove.

Starting point is 00:24:55 So. Absolutely. Okay. I love it, Martin. What else is going on? Anything else crazy? That was the craziest lately. I love it. It was pretty cool.

Starting point is 00:25:09 I love it. So there's actually good news, bad news to it. So bad news because I take antidepressant for anxiety. You know, it's hard. it's hard to be hard, you know? Oh shit. But then, here's the good news. What I was able to do, and guess what? Too big.

Starting point is 00:25:37 Whoa, really? Oh my god. This guy went from soft to too big. What can I do? I love that you're saying the antidepressant was the hardest part about YouTube fucking. She's lying. She wasn't Puerto Rican then. Okay. Okay.

Starting point is 00:26:01 Again, Red Band. Stick with the buttons over there. Jesus Christ. Red Band's comparing every Puerto Rican woman to the hookers that he's been with. How much did she charge you before she left? I love it. Well, Martin, you absolutely crushed. Way to get it started, right from the top.

Starting point is 00:26:23 Absolutely 100% great sets. The guy that's a thousand is basically the fucking Bill Goldberg of the show. He plays like a champion. He might not walk like one, but he plays like one. Oh, I know what that sound is. That's the lovely Heidi, everybody. The real fucking deal.

Starting point is 00:26:49 Oh, my God. I see the Latino guy in the white hoodie crying another tear like he did when The Undertaker came out. Amazing. Unbelievable. And how about a hand for the great Valerie Vaughn, everybody? She joins us at all the arenas.

Starting point is 00:27:09 Two legends. Okay, this looks like a very fun name to begin the bucket pull portion of the show. Again, we don't know these people. Anything can happen. Obviously, you guys know how this works. Could be a crazy person. I will say that in these arenas, there's a crazy ratio of people that absolutely eat shit on stage in an arena.

Starting point is 00:27:32 It happens a lot. A lot of people sign up randomly. They've only done it a few times, but who knows, tonight might be the night that that trend changes and we find stars. You guys ready? Your first comedian, your first bucket full of the night goes by the name of What The Hector.

Starting point is 00:27:50 What The Hector. ["What The Hector"] What up? I freaking love wrestling so much. How about you guys? I love wrestling so much, my parents thought I was going to be gay growing up. Posters of naked dudes all over my freaking raw, you know, freaking Undertaker, Stone Cold, all tea bagging me above my bed. When are you going gonna get a poster of a woman son? so I got a poster that one wrestler y'all remember China? hell yeah

Starting point is 00:28:29 like you like that shit dad? I guess it'll do son. you gotta support your artist guys not very many people know China did porno she had the most muscular flesh light on the market get your penis in a choke hold. Extra large clitoris. You got a freaking finger wrestler to turn her on and shit. Sometimes she don't want to turn on. My favorite though was wrestling on the trampoline with my little brother. And my favorite was the Undertaker because I'm dead inside too. Choke slamming my little brother and I would do the Tombstone. I remember the Tombstone is pretty much a tombstone, 69 standing up, but we're on the trampoline.

Starting point is 00:29:08 I'm like, hell yeah, wrestling's badass. Dad comes out, I was like, what the hell's going on? Finish him, the neighbors are watching, thank you. Oh boy, that was close. Is that what you were gonna talk about? Yeah, I was. That was going to be your set no matter what happened tonight? No matter what, and then he came out, I was like, holy shit.

Starting point is 00:29:30 That's fucking, that's pretty fucking crazy, dude. I'm like, should I run the bell like two seconds and have him come out again? Yeah, if you'd kept talking for five more seconds, he would have done it. Yeah, you were close to your wildest dreams coming true there. What the heck there? I saw him backstage He's told us how I didn't know he was that big man. Oh, yeah. Yeah, those guys are big and you're Mexican. Yeah Welcome to reality and I'm wearing boots. I had a little X like two three inches extra on me, you know Oh, you are wearing look at those little tiny boots those fucking size quattros

Starting point is 00:30:01 See that? Those fucking size 4s. I'd like to commend you, because a lot of comics stray from current events, but you did the very relevant China material this year. China. Yeah, Red Band, you got Red Band over here mumbling in my left ear, she has really big labias. China had really big labias.

Starting point is 00:30:23 Do you know that? China had big labias. I'm like, Redband, we are doing a show in an arena. You're talking about the woman's pussy who we mentioned for a second. It's the unprofessional shit I have to deal with. Hector, how long you been doing standup? About nine, 10 years going now. Wow, nine or 10 years.

Starting point is 00:30:45 Where at? Mostly in Phoenix. I'm from right here. I'm from West Texas, though. Pecos, Texas. Yeah! Wow, big pop for Pecos. Okay, what's Pecos like?

Starting point is 00:30:57 Describe it to us. We just had a big train wreck last week. I don't know if y'all saw the Union Pacific hit a big old truck and all the train derailed. Wow. Like stranger things. I sit next to a train wreck every week on this show. What do you do for work? I help my dad out doing a tire repair and tow truck.

Starting point is 00:31:15 Okay, you are indeed Mexican. Yeah. That confirms it. Smelling like rubbers. Hell yeah. What's the craziest thing you've ever seen out there repairing cars on the side of the road in Pecos? Recently just happened, man.

Starting point is 00:31:29 I live in my RV and I moved it back to Pecos where I work with my dad. I parked it in the back of the shop working from home, you know, and fucking... No! What do you mean? James McCann with his iconic no. We don't know what you mean.

Starting point is 00:31:43 I left it unlocked, man, because I had some cats in there watching out in case rats get in there. Wait, stop, slow down. James McCann is correct. First of all. I stole two cats, all right? Okay, wait.

Starting point is 00:31:54 It's getting wet. Hold on, hold on, hold on. This is the most Latino shit I've ever heard in my life. You stole cats to watch for rats. In the RV, because I'm not there a lot, you know, so. And you pulled your RV to the house that you live in? No, I park it at the shop that I work at. So I'm working from home, you know, just get up out of bed.

Starting point is 00:32:17 You're homing from work. Change tires. So you. No, and I didn't get to tell you, so we came home and I was gonna check on them before we left and I found a bald-headed white lady in there all drugged out, naked. She had tore up the whole place

Starting point is 00:32:33 and drawn all over the walls. I was like, what the hell's going on here? I don't wanna call the cops because we're late to a show. But I had to, man, I had to do it. It looked weird. I'm lucky that one of my friends was with me, she's a girl, because it would have looked weird

Starting point is 00:32:44 that just some weird random girls, she wouldn't talk or nothing. I don't that one of my friends with me, she's a girl, because it would have looked weird that, you know, just some weird random girls, she wouldn't talk or nothing. I don't know. Trying to find her if you know, if you're out there listening. Wow. Look at the world we're living in. Mexicans calling the police on white women.

Starting point is 00:32:58 This is Biden's America. 2025. No, 2025 is going to be different be different buddy you got 20 more days exactly before your tire shop is in Pecos Mexico. No I'm kidding. Is your dad a legal citizen? Yeah he's legal. Is he really? He's really. He did all the paperwork. Yeah. What does the paperwork look like? No, he talks really good English too. He's one of those code talkers. He could change his voice like to a white guy. He could change it to a Mexican dude. Okay. I haven't heard his black voice though. I'm pretty sure he has one. Wow. Can you do a black voice? Uh, I can't. I can try. Yeah, try.

Starting point is 00:33:45 I like it when people can't and then they try. No, I'm talking about... What the fuck? Wow. Like that? I just found out there's no black people in Pecos, Texas, everyone. That's your black impression?

Starting point is 00:33:59 Know what I'm talking about? Hey, I'm a black guy. It does sound closer to the guy who gives black people a problem than the black guy. I'm a black man. I am, I do believe. What do you do for fun, Hector? For fun, let's see, I smoke a lot of reefer.

Starting point is 00:34:22 Where y'all at? Let's see, I smoke a lot of reefer. Where y'all at? And then forget everything else I was going to do, right? What's your love life like? You out there burning rubber? Yeah, burning rubber. Because of the tires? Yep.

Starting point is 00:34:39 How hard is it to convince a woman to come back to the rat-infested RV? It's pretty, pretty hard, man. That's why I was mad she was in there. I was like, what? You're getting pussy in here and I ain't getting it? Because it smelled like pussy. I was like, you're in here. Either she was getting ran through or she was running a brothel out of my place.

Starting point is 00:34:54 I was like, who's getting more pussy in here than I am? What the fuck? Wait, you're saying that your RV smelled like bad pussy? When she was in there, that crazy bald-headed white bitch from Stranger Things, the train crashed and all of a sudden she appeared, 11. You're talking about the little girl from Stranger Things was in the... It was a bald white bitch, I was like,

Starting point is 00:35:16 damn, they shaved your head, what's wrong with you? This is also the second time he's referenced a thing on Stranger Things that I don't think happened on Stranger Things. He's like, remember the train crashing on Stranger Things that I don't think happened on Stranger Things. Remember the train crashing on Stranger Things? No. One of them shows. You remember when you choke out a child in an RV like on Stranger Things? No, I'm sure you didn't do that. You seem like a nice guy.

Starting point is 00:35:43 Are you a nice guy, Hector? You ever been in trouble with the law? Yeah, you know, for weed. Texas being illegal and all, you get in trouble for weed a lot. Uh-huh. Yeah. All right. Griefer. Oh, they're booing the laws of their state.

Starting point is 00:35:58 Well, Hector, congratulations. Have you ever signed up for the show before? My first time was at Skankfest. Very recently, I got on there over there. First bucket pullector, congratulations. Have you ever signed up for the show before? My first time was at Skankfest very recently. I got on there over there. First bucket pull there, too. Oh, you were on there? Okay. Well, congratulations. It was good to see you. What size joke book did you get there? They ran out of joke books, so I was like,

Starting point is 00:36:16 man, did I do good or bad? I didn't even know and shit. Well, you know what, buddy? I'm gonna give you a medium-sized one here tonight. Oh, he didn't catch it, wow. Unbelievable, there he goes. What the hector, everybody. Thank you. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:36:33 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know if you guys noticed this, but the Mexicans get special music from the Mexican portion of the band when they get played off.

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Starting point is 00:38:26 Use code TONY to receive 15% off. And if you're new to VIA, get a free gift of your choice. After you purchase, they ask you, were you heard about them? Please support our show and tell them we sent you. Enhance your everyday with VIA. Hello, indeed. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN.

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Starting point is 00:39:51 And you can get an extra four months free. Expressvpn.com slash kiltony. We're gonna get another special treat up here. This is a young lady who you've seen before on this show. She works at the Comedy Mothership. She's been out on the road with me and a bunch of the great comedians, truly one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. We were all drinking a couple weeks ago and it just came up that her family was coming into town tonight. Her parents are here and I love this young lady. I truly think she is one

Starting point is 00:40:25 of the future top best comedians in the world. Let's see what she does tonight. This is a brand new minute from Liz Splatt, everyone. Liz Splatt. We love Liz. Make some noise for Liz, everybody. Guys, this year makes 10 years that I've been a cancer survivor. I had cancer when I was 19, which is tough, because you're too young to really understand what's going on, and then you're too old to meet John Cena. You know, because at 19 you're like, make a wish.

Starting point is 00:41:10 More like, make me squirt, John, what the fuck? Hey John, my pussy's bald too, you know. John Cena and squirting, John Cena and squirting. Thank you, it's tricky to make a cancer joke, you know? Cancer's a really tricky topic. One time this comic told me that it's important to talk about the tricky topics. He said that he learned that because he used to talk

Starting point is 00:41:34 a lot about how he used to fuck a lot of prostitutes. And I was like, I don't know if we're talking about the same thing. But once I thought about it, it made sense, because probably the only thing more traumatic than childhood cancer is being a prostitute a comedian can afford. Am I right? All right. Thank you guys so much. What a dream. Liz, splat. Everybody. Tony.

Starting point is 00:41:59 Fun, Liz. How fun. How's it going? It's going. I mean, how's it going? It's going. I mean, how's it going? It's going. Dreams are coming true right now. What the fuck? It's amazing. Baby's first arena. It is indeed Baby's first arena.

Starting point is 00:42:13 Hi. Hi, Joe. How are you? Hi, James. Hello. Congrats on beating cancer. Thank you so much, Joe. You've clearly beaten it because usually people with cancer are thin. And yeah, she beat You've clearly beaten it, because usually people with cancer are thin. Yeah, she beat the shit out of it.

Starting point is 00:42:27 You defeated it. Yeah, I basically ate that cancer up. Let me put it like that. Okay, put it in a bowl, put some whipped cream on that cancer, got right into it. That's what I did. Hell yeah, what kind of cancer was it? I had Hodgkin's lymphoma.

Starting point is 00:42:41 It's a blood cancer, you know what I'm saying? Ha ha ha ha. Party time. Ha ha ha ha. Eh. I love it. Yeah? How long did it take you to beat it?

Starting point is 00:42:50 I was going through chemo for like six months. Where my chemo kids at? Okay. They're all dead right now. They're all dead, okay. I see one solitary wave from a lacking, okay great. Another big girl, that's awesome. I love to see it. Hell yeah. It... Okay, great. Another big girl. That's awesome. I love to see it.

Starting point is 00:43:07 Hell yeah. It's great. Must have been tit cancer. And it's good to see you've graduated to Haagen-Dazs lymphoma. From Hodgkin's to Haagen-Dazs. Joe, you son of a bitch! I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I'm nervous, I'm sorry. Joe, you son of a bitch. You trying to fuck. I can tell, I'm sorry. I'm nervous, I'm sorry. No, you son of a bitch, you trying to fuck. I can tell, dude. Guys that love trans women always wanna fuck me.

Starting point is 00:43:32 It's crazy, Joe. Get those little plaid pants over here, what the fuck? Pull a dick out of those pants and you got a deal. Joe, if you saw my clit, you wouldn't question it. Okay. China. Is that true? You have a China-like clit?

Starting point is 00:43:50 A China-like clit? What does that even? Is it big? Is that what you're implying? I think my clit, yeah, yeah, it's probably like, you know, half a thumb. Oh, fuck yeah. All right, yeah.

Starting point is 00:44:04 What? That's basically- Sorry, I put my heart on my sleeve out here for you people. That's basically half a little dick, so I'm half interested now. Cause I'm gay. Whoa. Whoa.

Starting point is 00:44:19 Who would've saw that coming? Half, yeah. Coming on your face. Am I right? Liz, yeah. Come in on your face. Am I right? Liz, what else is going on? What family members made it out? You're from Texas, born and raised, Dallas, bread. Bam, bam, bam, two, one, four, two, like that, bitch.

Starting point is 00:44:37 And when I say bread, I mean B-R-E-A-D. A-D, bitch. What's up? Yeah, my mom and my dad are here. Yo mama, yo papa, where you at? I can't bring my dad up here. He keeps saying he's going to say racist stuff about Puerto Ricans. Is that your mom on the Jumbotron, that lady with her hands up?

Starting point is 00:44:56 Oh yeah, that's my mom. Oh, wow, she just gave the screen cancer. That's incredible. It runs in the family, but clearly you don't. Yeah, not a lot of it runs. You saved the screen cancer, that's incredible. Ha ha ha ha! It runs in the family, but clearly you don't. Yeah, not a lot it runs, damn! Got it. I was gonna do it, then you did it! Gotcha.

Starting point is 00:45:15 You're on the big stage. Big stage now, Tony. You did it. Well, Liz, congratulations, that was an amazing performance. Thank you. You fucking did it. You're living your dreams in your hometown. Dream come true!

Starting point is 00:45:27 Austin. I'm gonna do mushrooms! Hell yeah, that's a move. Back to the bucket we go. We're gonna keep it moving along. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, Jackson Barr. Bucket pool number two, Jackson Barr. pole number two, Jackson Barr.

Starting point is 00:45:50 Here's Jackson Barr. Oh shit, this is gonna be awesome no matter what. Make some noise for Jackson Barr, everybody. How you doing, Tony? Happy New Year, KT Nation. I feel sorry for anybody that's not in this arena tonight Kill Tony been on what 12 12 years? 700 episodes you guys have been through more comedians than cocaine antidepressants and Viagra I'm a little freaked out. I'm gonna be 49 49 years old in a couple of months

Starting point is 00:46:26 But let me tell you I've learned a few things. Number one, ramen noodles, everybody knows ramen noodles. They taste better when you eat them because you want to, right? Number two, you see two people kissing in public with wedding rings, they're married to other people. And number three, if it feels like more than three fingers, you need a different psychiatrist.

Starting point is 00:46:51 You can count on, these are words that may save your life one of these days. Thank you. Holy shit, Jackson Barr, I loved it from the second I saw you. I am so used to our bucket pools wearing juvenile t-shirts. This guy came up dressed to the fucking whatever's that is. I knew we had The Undertaker. I didn't realize we booked Paul Bearer as well.

Starting point is 00:47:18 Ha ha. James McCann. Brother, what's it like owning the Dallas Cowboys? Because that must be... This would have been the 1990s Dallas Cowboy owner and it was really good back then. Yeah. It's only been 30 years. He's got a head in the oven now.

Starting point is 00:47:36 You look terrific. It was either Dallas Cowboys over or you know a good place to buy a secondhand car. I feel like I've seen you in Waco on the community television. That's it. Yeah, there you go. That is the billion dollar question. What do you do for work, Jackson? Pretty much whatever pays. I mean, I've been an entrepreneur for 30 years with startups, you know, and politics for a while. You're successful, huh?

Starting point is 00:47:59 My kids are grown and out of college and out of the house. Look at you, just on a big, naughty fucking comedy show out here talking shit. Right now, I'm trying to figure out what I am going to be since I am about to be 49. Joe DeRosa. 49, you're doing something really wrong. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

Starting point is 00:48:17 I was like, this guy's giving a stab at comedy at 63. This is insane. Red Band is older than Jackson, by the way. Sweet Redban here at 50 years old. You can't make it up. It's a hard 49, Tony. Listen, I married my high school sweetheart. We were together 24 years. She passed away? Brain tumor. Oh my... Yeah, right? Good God! The point is... We're all very sorry that happened.

Starting point is 00:49:00 The point is, you know, after that happened, I may or may not have lost my shit for a couple of years. Yeah. So it's a hard 48. OK. And you were an entrepreneur? that happen I may or may not have lost my shit for a couple of years yeah so it's a hard 40 48 okay and you were an entrepreneur what yeah you don't have any because this is Tony's doing well this is sold out you could shark tank right now right you had a business idea yeah do you have any business ideas let's play a little game of shark tank for the first time in a long time. This is a very special segment that we are going to do.

Starting point is 00:49:30 Ladies and gentlemen, with Jackson Barr, this is the first ever episode of Shark Tank. That's the Shark Tank theme song? Jesus, it's so basic. Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun. Oh, okay. Here he is. Pitch us an idea. Jackson Barr. All right. Let's see. Oh, I know. A dating app for rich people, you know,

Starting point is 00:49:58 because since I've been out in the dating world, right? Yeah. I found out you actually don't even need a profile anymore. You might as well just put your credit card number in your pen and your social security so it just saves time. Hell yeah. They go straight to the money and then you don't have to worry about it, right? I bet you have a cock like Martin Phillips.

Starting point is 00:50:15 That's my guess. I bet it's mostly soft and then when it gets hard it's too big to fuck. Too big. Yeah. Too big to fail. Absolutely. You said you were in politics for a while. Yeah. What were some of your platforms?

Starting point is 00:50:29 Well, I started off at local office and then I went to state office here in the great state of Texas. Yeah. What city? So I started out outside of Fort Hood, Texas, known as the great place, right? Corio County, Gatesville, Texas. It's eight

Starting point is 00:50:45 square miles out in the middle of nowhere. There's not a Starbucks for 30 miles around us. Sounds beautiful. Sounds like I became the Republican president of all the chairman in the state, represented Senate District 24, and now since I'm starting the second half of my life, I'm running from office. Uh-huh. Okay. So have you been on, you said that you wanna make a dating app, have you been on a lot of dates

Starting point is 00:51:10 since your wife passed away? You know what? I went on a couple. Have you kissed a girl since your wife passed away? Yeah, I mean it's been- Okay, well you blew that one. I did. You were close there, Jack.

Starting point is 00:51:22 As soon as I said it, I was like, oh. You fucked up. Right now your wife is looking up from hell laughing at you. I gotta. It's not true, she's in heaven. Since you like Shark Tank, I got a math question for you. If Jack is single for about a year and then gets engaged to a 30-year-old

Starting point is 00:51:41 while he's a millionaire, and that goes on about two and a half years and then we break up. How much money does Jack have left over? All of the money? Actually, I was gonna hit you up for some gas money so I can get home tonight. Oh, you're talking to the wrong panelist.

Starting point is 00:51:57 You silly goose. Jackson, you seem like you've got it together. You seem like a grown man. Tell us something weird about you. What are you, what type of child porn are you into exactly? Did you kill JonBenet Ramsey? Oh. No, exactly.

Starting point is 00:52:18 But if you were into something a little wild, what would it be? Like when you're with a hooker. Yeah. Well, you know, it's hard to find the right rubber tubing and lime and shovel at two in the morning and all that kind of good stuff. I mean, you know, that's always fine.

Starting point is 00:52:36 You always got to learn for yourself. Aspirin will not bring back a dead hooker. You really don't want to run for office again you're finished with local politics. Yeah you got a final nail and a hammer. There is work to be done in politics in the state of Texas. Hey baby I figured it out I'm working behind the scenes. If you can help pass a law so you're allowed to carry more than two beers away from a bar. That's fucking insane. This isn't Hawaii.

Starting point is 00:53:08 We ain't gotta worry about that. This is Texas. We give you two jugs of beer and say, come back and get the other four. I like your style. I like your style, Jackson. I do. It's weird, but I like having different,

Starting point is 00:53:23 I always say different shapes and sizes and types of people. I'm sure there are about 250 more hectares that signed up tonight, and I was lucky enough to magically pull out a fuckin', a 70-year-old white guy that swears he's 49. I think it's fun to have different types up here. I mean, look at this fuckin' guy. It's wild. I think you're actually rich have different types up here. I mean, look at this fucking guy. It's wild.

Starting point is 00:53:45 I think you're actually rich because only a rich man would give this lease of a shit about his appearance. Yeah, no, you are. You have super rich guy vibes. Jackson, how much exactly are you worth? Was, I'm not kidding. After a failed...

Starting point is 00:54:00 How much did you give away in the divorce? Just tell us that. No divorce, just, you know, burn through, I don't know, 1.5. It's not huge. 1.5. That's a lot. Four years, so... That's more than Hector and his father will make their entire lifetime.

Starting point is 00:54:15 That's a huge amount. Well, Jackson, thank you very much. Fun times. Congratulations. You as well are leaving here with a cool little medium joke.oke, oh my goodness we're 0 for 2 on the catches tonight. Jackson thank you so much. There goes Jackson Barr. Oh la la. You know Jackson's from Texas. He's from the middle of nowhere. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Tukovac. Anywhere Worth Going is sponsored by Tacovus. Anywhere worth going is worth going in good boots. Find your perfect pair with Tacovus.

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Starting point is 00:55:26 and Tacovas are by far the best. They are just so dang comfortable. I wear them when I'm out in the town, at the grocery store, you name it. They make me feel great when I put them on. I feel like the freaking Marlboro man, Tony. Wow, you smell like them too. Ever wondered if you could pull off the boots

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Starting point is 00:56:12 Ticovas.com. Ticovas.com. Ticovas.com. Ticovas.com. Ticovas.com. Ticovas. Ticovas. Love the way. Which brings us to our next special treat.

Starting point is 00:56:28 Ladies and gentlemen, this guy when we found him was just work in the oil fields of Texas. He's all personality. Very controversial figure in the history of the show. People either love him or they just straight up dislike him. Ladies and

Starting point is 00:56:44 gentlemen, make some noise for the long awaited return of Uncle Lazer. ["Uncle Lazer"] Listen here. Had a woman from Tallahassee, Florida slide into my DMs. She said, hey, shut the fuck up. She said, got a plane ticket with your name on it you come down to Tallahassee Florida blow my back out and rearrange my guts yeah I said happy to Easter to you too how you doing today he

Starting point is 00:57:39 has risen you know right she said but before I get you a plane ticket, I'm gonna need to see a picture of that hog. Fun fact, I ain't got no hog. I got what they call field mouse dick. You ever been hit by a sewing machine needle? You know. Look, here's the thing about sending wiener pics. Don't do it, okay? All right, listen, look, I love my wiener. I put it everywhere. Hot tub jets, electrical sockets, okay?

Starting point is 00:58:14 I once took a shop vac and sucked all the foreskin off of it, you know? I haven't been to a water park since. She said, look, I ain't gonna be able to get you that plane ticket no more. But I get you a Greyhound Bus ticket. And I said, listen here, bitch. My mama raised me on that Reba McEntire

Starting point is 00:58:37 and I might have been born just a plain white trash, but Fancy was my motherfucking name. I ain't getting on no goddamn Greyhound Bus. You hear me bitch So a couple days later we work something out where if my mom would drop me off her mom would bring me back, you know Uncle laser everybody Uncle uncle uncle Look at you. Howdy.

Starting point is 00:59:06 How's it going? What is that animal around your neck? Oh, this? Yeah, yeah. This here is Steven. He was a he's a euthanized husky. He was my neighbor's dog. Are you fucking serious? Yeah, he was just going to throw the motherfucker out

Starting point is 00:59:22 and I said, hold on now, old son. We're resourceful people, you know? And so I, like, you know, did all this, and I went to his front door and tried to give it to him as a gift, and he answered door, and he goes, why'd you unbury my dog? And I was like, so you're telling me you don't want it?

Starting point is 00:59:41 Mine now, motherfucker. How about that? I can't believe I fell right into your trap. You did. You did. Step right into it. That's the second husky we've had on stage. Liz Splat was here earlier. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:59:56 How's your New Year's, Tony? We're having fun. What are you, conducting the fucking interview? No, I just was simply asking a question. I love that you said you wouldn't get on a Greyhound bus. I've been on the Greyhound bus in this country. It's just 57 years. I've...

Starting point is 01:00:16 I sat next to him. I was on a Greyhound bus from Cleveland to Pittsburgh. This is a fun wrestling story. Yeah. I sat next to a man who was on speed with schizophrenia and he told me the truth about Chris Benoit. Wait, what is the truth? He knew a secret about Chris Benoit.

Starting point is 01:00:32 Yeah, let's hear it. He was a good man. And the whole time I was like, OK, dokey then. Yeah, he only killed his family to send them to God. Oh, my God. All right. He said, you can't judge a man for that. And I was like, I didn't know I'd be seeing you again up here on the stage so soon.

Starting point is 01:00:49 He got away. How's your New Year's going, Lazer? How's your holidays? What does a guy like you do exactly other than crystal meth? Oh Jesus Christ. The spirit of the wolf. Nah, dude, I got New Year's resolution. Is it

Starting point is 01:01:07 to give Ron White his voice back? That there's my daddy but he's a Democrat so he ain't my daddy but dude I gotta stop coming inside of strangers. Tell us more about that. I was hoping I was hoping fucking Jackson Barr would say something like that the whole interview. I got to stop coming as strangers, because look, dude, I'm like the Tyree kill of the Austin comedy scene. I can't pull out of a fucking driveway. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:01:36 And I'm not even scared of the Me Too movement. I'm scared to like I got a kid in fucking Fort Wayne, Indiana, or some shittle across this goddamn country that's like, when you child support, I don a kid in fucking Fort Wayne, Indiana or some shit hole across this goddamn country that's like, we need jobs for it. I don't want to be a part of that. Have you gotten anyone pregnant? Are there any nephew lasers out there? All we can do is pray.

Starting point is 01:01:59 Wow. Amazing, uncle. So what do you got planned for 2025? You've been touring a lot. You've been working really hard. Trying, uncle. So what do you got planned for 2025? You've been touring a lot. You've been working really hard. Trying, yeah, yeah. Just like, look, say something, tell me, like, on some real shit, okay? Three years ago to this date,

Starting point is 01:02:15 Tony Henscliffe invited me to Tony Henscliffe and Friends. It's been that long. It's been that long. Jesus. All right, he invited me to the New Year's Eve party at Vulcan with your people, right? Yeah. I was dog shit then. I'm probably still dog shit now. But I mean, back then I was even worse, okay?

Starting point is 01:02:30 Oh yeah. But you gave me a shot, all right, and it's a testament to you. And my mama was in a crowd at night and I was thinking about quitting my job and up until that point in my life, that was the best set I ever had, all right? And took a chance to be like,

Starting point is 01:02:42 yo, look, I'm not trying to suck your dick, but I'ma be honest with you, thank you for everything. Yes. Look, look, Joe Rogan might have built the comedy club in Austin, but Tony Hinchcliffe created a fucking culture, you hear me? Thank you.

Starting point is 01:02:57 I couldn't have said it better myself until later tonight in the mirror, like I do every night. I look directly at myself and I say Tony you built the fucking culture No, I'm just gonna say I'm pretty sure you'll corner me later at a party and tell me that for 15 minutes Do you know what I've done Joe? I love you uncle laser congratulations, congratulations you did it. We're gonna keep flying through it.

Starting point is 01:03:26 There he goes, Uncle Lazer, which brings us to bucket pool number three. I feel like this is a new name, but we may have seen it before. Oh my God, how about these lovely ladies and this sausage fest that we've had? We've had? We've had nothing but dudes and a chick with a clit the size of half a thumb.

Starting point is 01:03:50 Thank god for Heidi and Valerie. For those of you out there that are into beautiful women. Ha, alright. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Joe Barnholt, everyone. Bucket poll number three is Joe Barnholt. Woo! One more time for Joe. My name is Joe because I was named after the crab shack that I was conceived in.

Starting point is 01:04:19 So... You guys, I'm single, so I've been going on a bunch of dates. It's not really helping my love life, but I do have an outstanding balance on my credit card. Yeah. It's hard to stand out in the dating world when you look like the vanilla flavor of white men. Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad flavor.

Starting point is 01:04:40 It's just not anybody's first choice. I don't even have any tattoos or anything, or as I call them, sprinkles. You guys, I'm so white I get 2% milk at the store because whole milk's too spicy. Feel like there's a lot of weirdos in the dating world. I went on a date with this one girl. She told me she had two half brothers,

Starting point is 01:05:02 which is just a really strange way of saying you have a brother. For everyone that's slow at fractions, I'm going to give you a second to catch up there. It's like, what, did you cut him in half or something? Like, when I say I have two half women in my freezer, that makes sense. Bunch of weirdos out there, you guys.

Starting point is 01:05:25 Thank you. My name's Joe Barnhold. All right, Joe Barnhold. Let's talk about it. How long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it about a year. But I've been playing music for about 16. Wow. What kind of music do you play? Full band hip-hop. You're in a hip-hop band?

Starting point is 01:05:41 Have you been on this show before? I was about a month ago. And I found out you were in a hip-hop band? I did. I do musical comedy, and I tried to sing a song about fucking Santa and forgot the lyrics. Okay. Do you have anything that you would do tonight if you were a 16-year musician?

Starting point is 01:05:55 Yeah, I can play guitar and rap for you guys if you want. You need a guitar to do it? I mean, it helps. Okay, do we have that extra guitar somewhere? Dee Madness, you see a guitar anywhere back there? Marcus just left. Oh, we got it. Okay, we're going to give this guy a shot.

Starting point is 01:06:12 Oh, yeah. Gives us a chance to look at the lovely Heidi one more time. My goodness. A modern day Vanna White, if you will. A Marilyn Monroe-esque White, if you will. A Marilyn Monroe-esque thing, just handing a chord to an absolute jerk off. Joe Barnhold. Look at this guy.

Starting point is 01:06:35 That's me. Looks like Joe DeRosa, ultralight. But what? God damn it, I didn't hear it. All right. Hopefully your music is funnier than your comedy. Here he goes. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own.

Starting point is 01:07:06 I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own.

Starting point is 01:07:14 I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own.

Starting point is 01:07:22 I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. I'm a man of my own. This wild ride always ended where I started Laughed after, laughed at the dark track Life said bitch then you die Maybe that bitch is man's best friend I wonder why You suck, dude Fair, love it You suck

Starting point is 01:07:34 We're gonna get you out of here I don't know what they're talking about Don't believe these haters I appreciate it That's the fresh new sound That's gonna be coming out the radio That's right Yeah, we've never heard...

Starting point is 01:07:45 It was on the radio. I disagree with James. No means no. No, I think the world is ready for white guys rap talking over guitars. Yeah. It's been 15 quiet years without that. You got the courage to bring it back. You getting booed here, that's like Dylan Gullin electric.

Starting point is 01:08:04 I'll take it. It was pretty good, it was fine. Hey, thanks. I had the courage to bring it back. You getting booed here? That's like Dylan Gowen electric. I'll take it. It was fine. Hey, thanks. I'll take it. I thought, if I may, I thought your comedy was funny. Oh, thank you. And I thought it deserved more.

Starting point is 01:08:17 And I felt like you weren't getting as much because you were the first comic that wasn't like, I shoved my needle dick in her smelly c***. And they were just a little caught off guard that he was doing like, you know. You should think about you should wear a dog next time. Wear a dog. Like a put a dog's body on your shoulders. Trying to explain it. Redban informed me in the middle of your set that it's a famous Jim Gaffigan joke

Starting point is 01:08:49 that whole milk is spicy. You ever seen Jim Gaffigan before? I've not heard that joke. All right, okay. Actually. Google it. I will, I will. How dare Jim Gaffigan have stolen your joke?

Starting point is 01:08:58 Ha ha ha ha. What size joke book did you get last time you were on? I got a big joke book. You did? Well, you should use it. I got a big joke book. You did? Well, you should use it. Joe Barnholz, everybody. There he goes. We're going to keep it moving fast tonight.

Starting point is 01:09:11 We're going to get through it. He's already been on. But in this moment, we shall get yet another legendary golden ticket winner on the show. You know him. you love him. He got picked up from this show to be on America's Got Talent, which is how backwards the industry is.

Starting point is 01:09:35 That they are now finding people for AGT, for Netflix, for everything here. On the show that you guys watch every Monday, we find the people. This is the return of Aaron Belial everybody. Oh hell yeah. Smart started his entrance early. Gives me enough time to fucking kill some time.

Starting point is 01:10:01 While he sets up. Bluetooth. Bluesuit. Aaron Belial everybody. Make some fucking noise for him. Come on. It's not too late to have the first female president. We could have the best one. Trump could transition. Now I can grab my very own pussy.

Starting point is 01:10:32 Quite frankly, I have the best pussy. My pussy is very tight and beautiful. Everyone who sees it says it's the best they have ever seen. My pussy is so much better than Caitlyn Jenner, who got a liberal pussy from the radical left. She got a pussy from a fake doctor. I got mine from an American doctor. A lot of people go to Mexico to get their pussy, not me. Mine was made right here in America. America has the best pussies. Everyone knows it. A Haitian man wanted to eat my cat the other day, but I said, no, this pussy is only for

Starting point is 01:11:08 real Americans, legal Americans. They're eating the pussy and it's our pussy. We cannot allow these people who are walking over the borders in the ocean continue to eat our beautiful American pussies. My pussy is so American it bleeds red, white and blue. Usually I would need to edit clips together for a joke like that, but that was all from a single interview. Fuck yes, I love it. The evolution of Aaron Belial.

Starting point is 01:11:46 Doing some fucking next level shit over there. Using other voices, making your own clips, writing the bits in other people's voices. That makes fucking sense. That's cool as hell. Awesome. How's it going, Aaron? You dress the part and everything. You look like a politician. Even your arms is crooked as a politician right now.

Starting point is 01:12:10 You're better dressed than the literal politician that was up here. Yeah, it's true. Tony has been spending too much time with Trump. Didn't know that shooting carrot juice into your cock would make your skin that color. Shoot carrot juice into my cock. make your skin that color? Shoot carrot juice into my cock? Take a day off, buddy. Your head looks like a horse saddle with teeth. Okay, thank you.

Starting point is 01:12:32 Thank you, Aaron. You fucking son of a bitch. You know, you can go out and get some sun sometime, Aaron. You can wobble your ass out to a golf course sometime and maybe drive the cart or something. Maybe you can caddy. Maybe I could use you as a fucking holster. I can't really do the thing. I know. I know. You remember that. Fuck you. You son of an Australian bitch. Say that again. You son of an Australian bitch. I've been nothing but good to you. Let me tell you, you've got more talent in your thumb than you've got in the rest of your body.

Starting point is 01:13:38 Aaron Belial. That's true. He's... Look at this guy. Unbelievable what's happening here. God had to cripple this man or he'd be too powerful. He'd be too funny. Say it again. Say it again.

Starting point is 01:13:54 I love you too. Wow, you're switching voices a lot over there. Do you have a black voice on there? I would personally like the Japanese voice if that's possible. Oh, he that's possible. Oh, he's got one. He's very excited. This motherfucker's got body language in all capital letters. When he's got something he fucking shiggle.

Starting point is 01:14:17 I got that shit, watch this. Just fucking look at him typing. Look how fast that thumb flies when you ask for a racist Asian accent. Joe DeRosa. I'm not this fast with a fucking... Okay, Jesus, Aaron, my God, you're crazy. But what are you, Alec Baldwin with that trigger? I'm talking now. Oh Jesus Christ. I'm talking now.

Starting point is 01:14:37 Okay, alright. Well, okay, there you go. Stop trying to make me say the N-word. I am not like you. No, I don't say that. Thank you, Aaron. That's gonna be a fucking, that's gonna be a new conspiracy theory. Just cuz you're bent like that doesn't mean you have to be retarded. I'm not like you. I don't say the N-word. Shut the fuck up. You've never heard me say the N-word. You've heard me say every other racial slur that there is. But you've never heard me say the word,

Starting point is 01:15:11 will you keep that fucking thing up? What are you, crazy? No, I'm not, I can't do it now. It's fucked up. It would have been fucked up. It would have been more racist than me saying the N-word. It was reaching for the- True word.

Starting point is 01:15:24 What? I saw the button you were gonna push accidentally. Do you wanna push it? No. No, it's not how it works. When you see my hand go this way, that means you turned your fucking volume up. It wasn't on purpose.

Starting point is 01:15:38 They've got all the animals on the iPad and he was accidentally gonna press the chimp button. It wasn't the chimp button. And then he stopped, cause he's not a racist. I'm a chicken. Okay, Aaron, what the fuck were you gonna say three minutes ago? It is no longer relevant. Nothing.

Starting point is 01:16:01 Okay, perfect. Everything good? Is this your first New Year's in Austin? I can't remember. Is this your first time in America on a New Year's Eve? What do you guys normally do in Canada for New Year's Eve? Fucking make... You don't have a Canadian accent. I didn't know you were from Canada. Last year in New Year's I got jumped in Austin on 6th Street.

Starting point is 01:16:36 I don't know if it's the way I dress or the way I walk, but homeless people keep targeting me. Yesterday on 6th Street, a guy sitting on a pizza box yells at me, hey, you look like you need to be fucked in the ass. What the fuck? Yeah, I'm sorry about that, that was me. At a glance, what looking at me makes you think... Well, you stopped yourself from talking there.

Starting point is 01:16:59 At a glance, what looking at me makes you think I need to be fucked in the ass. I don't think that's gonna to help my scoliosis. No. Homeless people probably target you because they think you're a fucking zombie walking towards them in the dark just fucking... Yeah. I would target you too.

Starting point is 01:17:20 Whoa, Jesus. I only backed up because I thought it might be contagious. Aaron Belial. He's pointing at me. That's racist. Okay. It's been out of Canada a while, but not long enough to accuse people of being racist and using slurs that they don't use. It's such a liberal thing.

Starting point is 01:17:48 What else is going on, Aaron? Let me type it out first and then I will tell you. I was telling a joke last week about how I use my disability to skip lines at Disney World and this, Botox Bimbo sitting with her plastic surgeon boyfriend gets mad and heckles me telling me I'm abusing my power like how are you gonna judge me for using my privilege to save my knees while you're getting on your knees for free lip fillers yeah fuck that bitch fuck that bitch oh shit oh Anthony that is just wrong.

Starting point is 01:18:26 Anthony, the director, found a girl with a bunch of Botox and did a reaction shot there. That is wrong. Oh my God, Jesus Christ. Is that the homeless person on the pizza box, Aaron? Look at that fucking, oh my God. Halloween on New Year's Eve absolutely incredible It's a hybrid. I love it

Starting point is 01:18:48 She came into my meet and greet line demanding a picture because she paid for me kept grabbing at me, too So I acted retarded again, and I bit her Hell yeah, you can good luck getting that nose fixed. I bite with the strength of 47 chromosomes You're on fire, Aaron. You did it again. What else? Anything else? You fucking crushed. You did it. Great interview. Just a few more words from me. Joe, you should love me. I can transition at any time with my thumb. I can transition at any time with my thumb. Oh, okay. For those of you that don't know,

Starting point is 01:19:27 Joe got his dick sucked by a tranny two Skankfests ago. If you're wondering why everybody keeps saying that Joe looks strange. Sorry for being a champion of progress. I'm changing the world one blow job at a time. I can turn into an Australian lady and you can jack me off. Wow. Don't you do that to our sweet Australian women. You keep our voices out of your phone. Do you know how long we waited for Bluey to be

Starting point is 01:20:07 successful so we could finally have something in this country? Do you know how big a gap it was from Steve Irwin dying to Bluey for us to have anything in this country? You try and bring us down? That is true. Didgeridoo don't do that to him. I'm sorry. Oh, okay. I'll take it. Well, Aaron, you were great. You did it again. I love you. We love you. The people love you.

Starting point is 01:20:36 Aaron Belial. Wobbling his way to the mountaintop every step of the way. And indeed, this is bucket pool number four. We're about to go back to back bucket pools. Your first one here, 60 seconds uninterrupted, going to Vic Shivdasani. Vic Shivdasani is the fourth bucket bowl.

Starting point is 01:21:04 You guys having fun out there? Make some fucking noise. Oh shit, this is a fucking wild episode. Make some noise for Vic Shiv Desani. So I just got to make a stipulation real quick. I do sit down, not stand up. It's a little bit different. My name is Vikash Sivadasani, but I go by Vic. So you're welcome.

Starting point is 01:21:34 I know what you're all thinking seeing me up here, but I'm not really disabled. I'm just really lazy. Or at least that's what I tell people. See people always feel the need to come up to me and be like hey man what happened? Why are you in a wheelchair? My favorite like the old Indian people were like so what is wrong with you? I'm like man what the hell is wrong with you? Got no manners, geez nothing's wrong with me. Just got tired, want to sit down. I had a lazy idea to add wheels.

Starting point is 01:22:09 Knockin' Bremont chair everywhere. It's fuckin' genius. One time, one time this dude came out to me, he was like, hey man, what's your handicap? I was like, what, I don't know. I don't even play golf. But seriously though, I used to walk, and now I've been in a wheelchair for about 18 years. When I was 22 years old after a night of partying, I fell off of a third floor apartment balcony

Starting point is 01:22:34 after a night of, I'd love to be paralyzed from the waist down. We're going to save you from the Undertaker coming out here, stop. That would be just so depressing if the Undertaker threw you here stop. The last step would be just so depressing if the Undertaker threw you in the middle of the fucking arena right now. This is crazy. The balls on these handicapped people that keep running the time.

Starting point is 01:22:56 For the record, the punch line there was oops. Okay. You didn't like that, okay. Vic. Vic DeSani. Shiv DeSani. Shiv DeSani. Shiv Desani. Shiv Desani. Shiv like you're stabbing somebody in jail.

Starting point is 01:23:08 We got it. Does it upset you that the most prominent place you'll ever see your name is a water bottle? Okay. I thought that hit harder. He also thought that the floor would hit harder from the third story. So your third story apartment, what happened exactly? So we we had a night of party. We went out to the club. We came back and.

Starting point is 01:23:34 How long ago was this? How old were you? 18 years. I was 22 years old at the time. 22 years old. Man, that is just a ripe time to drink too much. How much do you think you had to drink that night? Uh, 12 drinks, probably. Yeah, there you go. Okay, so you're back at an after party,

Starting point is 01:23:50 third floor apartment, and what happens? Uh, we took cabs to and from the club. We were responsible drunk people. Did you also drive the cab? No, no. Your father drove the cab. My uncle. There you go.

Starting point is 01:24:08 Okay, so you took cabs on it. Can't imagine how that applies to the story, but now you're back at the apartment. I got back to the apartment. One cab was missing. I went to the balcony to call my cousin, who was in the missing cab. He's like, we're right around the corner.

Starting point is 01:24:19 I lean over the balcony to see if I could see any headlights coming. I lost my balance. Last thing I remember was losing my balance. Oh my god. Yeah. Pretty much. Unbelievable comedic timing by Red Band on the shot shot shots.

Starting point is 01:24:41 Again, that's about 40 seconds after he said 12 drinks. But great, we're getting to the climax of the story. Hey, keep going. Maybe you'll fall off a fucking third story balcony. He'll have free fall and ready to go in a minute and a half. It's fine. So what happened? You're leaning over the balcony at the most unbelievable time for a very loud noise. Go ahead, Vic. I lost my balance, and the next thing I remember

Starting point is 01:25:10 was waking on the ground. I don't remember falling or anything. Wow. Incredible. And what did they tell you when you awakened? Uh, no one actually saw me. My friends with the missing cab came literally right after I fell. All I had was a bloody nose, nobody knew what was going on. I was coming too and then I was like, I think I fell off the balcony. It was kind of a crazy moment.

Starting point is 01:25:35 See, hold on a second. This is unbelievable. This is incredible. I love how silent this arena can get. You're welcome. The story in which I feel like everybody's thinking like, oh, fuck, that could have been me when I was 22. It certainly could have been us. It's as quiet as an actual H.E.B. in here right now. See, nobody noticed that you had fallen off. You kind of woke up and came to, you have a bloody nose.

Starting point is 01:26:01 Could you feel your legs or anything? I couldn't get up, I couldn't move, and that's when I was just like, help! Something happened to me. How did they find you? I landed on the only four foot patch of grass right next to a curb and six inches from a sprinkler.

Starting point is 01:26:16 Wow, if you would have landed on the sprinkler, you would have been the best smelling Indian man that any of us saw. Wouldn't that have been something just... You're one sprinkler away from a superhero origin story. You said it was your uncle, you were waiting for your uncle to turn up? Who was late? My cousins. How long after the accident did you start blaming your cousins for making that happen?

Starting point is 01:26:47 Immediately. All right. Nice. Wow. And how old are you now? I'm 40. Okay. What do you do for a living?

Starting point is 01:26:55 I am actually... You make street food with your hands. You make sure your hands get into everything and they touch your feet and shit sometimes. That's what you people do Every single one of you except for the cool vibe it guy. He seems clean and nice Okay again that has nothing to do with anything I Actually, I'm a I help people heal from emotions. I'm an emotional healing coach, I guess. I actually wrote a book.

Starting point is 01:27:31 You wrote a book? I wrote a book. It's called Rolling With It, Lessons Learned While Sitting Down. No shit. What's your love life like? Can your dick get hard? Um... It's what everybody wants to know.

Starting point is 01:27:51 It's true, it's true. I gotta use blue pills every so often but... It works! But yeah. Wow, that's a miracle. It is. That's great. One miracle, yeah. That's great.

Starting point is 01:28:03 Hard as I rock. You are Indian? I am Indian. Are your parents like strict Indians or whatever? They wanted you to be an engineer? Accountant. Oh, an accountant. Well, they can count on you never walking again.

Starting point is 01:28:20 Do you get to see them a lot? Yeah. That's cool. Do you have anything fun that you do in your wheelchair? You play wheelchair basketball? I play wheelchair basketball. I play for the Austin Wreckers. Whoa! Look at that! That's incredible. I love it. Wrecker is a weird name for a basketball team in wheelchairs because that's how a lot of them get in the wheelchairs.

Starting point is 01:28:43 Very true. Is there a rivalry on that team between men who were born disabled and those who have become disabled? That's a great question. Does some feel like more proud to be there or? That's a very interesting question. It is, it's like women with big natural tits running into a woman with big fake tits. Absolutely, absolutely.

Starting point is 01:29:04 I think the people who have been paralyzed more recently hate the people that just think this is life. You're looking down on them? Hey, you could say that. It's weird that the caste system even exists in the world of disability, but that's... But wait, the newer crippled people look down on the longer crippled people?

Starting point is 01:29:30 Because the people who are born crippled, like that's just been their life. So they're like, this is it. But you're like, you don't even fucking know how good it is to walk. Right. You dog. That's what I'm trying to say. I got you. That's crazy.

Starting point is 01:29:43 It's like trans women versus cis women. Oh, that makes sense. I get it now. Yes. Wow. Damn, that's in... I would have thought it would be the other way. I would have thought that the people born without the ability to walk would be like,

Starting point is 01:29:59 you know, fuck you, at least you had a chance or whatever. I wouldn't have fallen off a balcony or whatever. I can't even see over the fucking bar to get 12 drinks in the first place. Like I think they would have a lot of built up in her anger. Do you have a girlfriend or a wife? No, I don't. Okay, you go dating a lot? Here and there, I get lucky sometimes.

Starting point is 01:30:20 Okay, yeah, you seem like a good looking likable guy. There's a lady wooing very loud over there for you this evening. Are you from Austin? I'm from South Texas, but I moved here in the summer. Okay. Have you kissed a girl in Austin since living here? I have not. Whoa! Well, my dear friend Vic Vic V-I-K. It just so turns out that we have the best fan base here in the world. Is there a beautiful Austin woman out there

Starting point is 01:30:51 that's willing to come up here and give Vic a big kiss? Anyone? Is there a woman? There's a bunch of dudes raising their fucking hands for some reason. Is that one right there with the glasses? Yeah, yeah, you with the glasses. Is that you?

Starting point is 01:31:09 Oh shit, look at this one, look at that, Vic. You're about to get your first Austin kiss. This looks like a real Austin woman. Misplaced tattoos. Keep coming, keep walking, lady. Okay. I cannot believe this is happening right now. It's happening Vic.

Starting point is 01:31:27 You're about to get your first Austin kiss. From what appears to be Uncle Lazer's aunt. This is incredible. She has a bunch of tattoos. This is a real Austin girl, Vic. Let's go. She might... You play for the Wreckers. She looks like she plays for the Home Wreckers.

Starting point is 01:31:48 This is very exciting. Oh shit, here she is. Oh my god. You don't have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Here we go. Whoa, we got a camera angle on that. Oh shit, oh shit! This is New Year's Eve at the H-E-B center!

Starting point is 01:32:08 Oh my God, oh shit! Oh yeah! That's fucking fun. Here you go, here's a big joke book you crazy slut. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Damn, Vic. Happy New Year's to me. Now Vic, it's New Year's Eve.

Starting point is 01:32:34 Have you fingered a girl in Austin yet? Let's go! I have not. Well, here she comes back up. No. No. No. No.

Starting point is 01:32:49 No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Starting point is 01:32:56 No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No.

Starting point is 01:33:02 No. No. No. No. No. No. No. No. that we might have a slow motion replay of that kiss. Wow. Look at the tongue action happening here. He could take away your legs, but he could not take that mouth away. Dear God.

Starting point is 01:33:15 That is an aggressive, you guys are both nasty fucks. You guys are fucking tonight for sure. That kiss was messier than your fall off of the balcony. Ha ha ha. Except, except your whole family's actually gonna notice that right when it happens. Ha ha ha. They're not gonna leave you.

Starting point is 01:33:37 You might end up waking up next to a sprinkler again, Vic. You're gonna have a hell of a night ahead of you. They might have to rename this place the HEEB Center after what? Alright. There's a big joke book. First guy to catch it tonight. How about that? Can I just say one more thing?

Starting point is 01:33:55 Absolutely. Finally, someone with a disability on this show that can fucking enunciate. Wow, just insulting some of the greats. OK, Martin Phillips and Aaron Belial are about to officially jump you when you get off stage. They have the ability to put up some. They're about to put a fucking stick in your spokes of your wheels.

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Starting point is 01:37:05 It is that time, ladies and gentlemen. Straight to another bucket pole. Make some noise for her. It is 60 seconds uninterrupted for Brittany Ogata. Brittany Ogata. Here we go. Brittany Ogata. Here we go. Brittany, oh, Gata. One more time for Brittany, everybody. I don't know what was going on out here, but I don't know how the fuck I'm going to follow that shit.

Starting point is 01:37:36 So the other day I went through my 18-year-old cell phone. I know, no, I'm progressive mom. And I went through and I found a chat that he was using where he was sexually chatting with some AI robot named Cindy. And I'm over here thinking most parents would be gross to fuck out by now, but I'm over here like, yes, he's finally sexually talking to something. I need to get this shit dick out of my house already But the joke was on me

Starting point is 01:38:13 Because I quickly realized that the AI chat robot that he was speaking to Was from a group chat that was called boys who secretly want to fuck their moms Boy I was quick to the store to buy four fucking locks from my bedroom door that night. Just the other day I went to go pick him up from school, high school, and I'm sitting in the car and he comes out and he's got like one glove, just one glove on his hand. You know one of the gloves with the tips cut off, like how they wear it, like sticky bandits and home alone. And anyway, I'm looking at him like, what the fuck is this homo doing? And he gets on my car and I'm like,

Starting point is 01:38:47 what the fuck are you wearing? All right, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm gonna save you again. There's worse from saving people tonight. There it is. Oh boy. You came out guns a blazing with an excuse. Don't know how I'm going to follow that.

Starting point is 01:39:09 And I knew right then and there that you were gonna fucking suck. Oh. It's okay though. I had some laughter. Yeah, it's okay. That's exactly what Amy Schumer would say and look like. Oh.

Starting point is 01:39:23 I had some laughters. Okay, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up, Brittany? This is my first time. What made you want to sign up tonight? Okay. Got him back on your side. Joe DeRosa comes running back because he thinks you're trans. What made you want to sign up tonight here in an arena for your first time doing standup comedy? Honestly, it's my husband's birthday. He's out there. He's been watching Kill Tony. Are you booing husband's birthday?

Starting point is 01:39:56 It's because they're not on stage right now. That's all. Whoa. Straight up attacking the comedian section. The comedians of the show are here. They're here. They're here. They're here.

Starting point is 01:40:04 They're here. They're here. They're here. stage right now, that's all. Whoa. Straight up attacking the comedian section. The comedian's attacking me, it's alright. My favourite bit of the set is where I thought you were saying he had a glove with the tits cut off. I said tips cut off. I know it was tips, but that was fun. It was going to be a good joke.

Starting point is 01:40:22 Can I ask what that was? Why did he have gloves with the tips? He was wearing a glove and this is a true story. People are begging for the Undertaker to come out and beat the shit out of a woman. This is absolutely incredible. I hope he does. This is incredible. I've never seen anything.

Starting point is 01:40:43 I did not think this is how the show would go. Okay. How long have you been with your husband? I've been with him for 10 years, but I've been watching you guys forever. Again, the comedians are booing. Are you guys booing this because you think I'm going to bring up the husband? Why are you booing her husband? I'm confused. What were you doing to the comedians during the show? I wasn't even sitting over there. I had my own ticket. Why do you think they're booing you for bringing up your husband?

Starting point is 01:41:13 I just want to see the Undertaker. I'm not bringing up the Undertaker. It wasn't my intention to have that be on the table when a woman came up and bombed. I know, right? People really want to see it though. This is incredible. Okay. I'm going to save you.

Starting point is 01:41:32 I'm going to save everybody right now. Is there any hilarious thing about you? There you go. That's her time. This is a very, very, very... Good on you This is the smallest joke book I could find there she goes and

Starting point is 01:41:50 Now ladies and gentlemen watch how fast the energy in the room Changes as I bring up a comedian who was not here last night and hasn't been around who was not here last night and hasn't been around very much lately because he has been booked doing sold out shows all around the world. A man of true mystery, an anomaly if you will in the history of Killtoni, as one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. A freak, a man talked about. Some people say that this is God's favorite comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited

Starting point is 01:42:34 return of KC Rocket. Yeah! And yet I find, yet I find, there's no one left to call. God, senior year's gonna be nuts. We're gonna run this school, man. Marble, marble, hair. The ritual's almost complete, Tony. But one of us has to die for the other to truly be free. Alexander wept for there were no more rifts left to conquer. It's funny you bring that up, because...

Starting point is 01:43:58 Seven years ago tonight, my teacher, Miss Garlic, Carly Garlic, she heiered of the Garlic Fortune. She owed garlic money. You guys would have loved her. But she pulled me aside and she said, Titty Boy LaCroix, and I said, speaking? And she said five words that changed my life. She said, what do you want to be when you grow up? And I told her the truth, Austin. I said, I want to relapse. And she was startled. I think she was startled because a relapse

Starting point is 01:44:38 is predicated upon an initial addiction, but she's a sheep. She doesn't get me like you guys do. But so seven years ago, I would's a sheep. She doesn't get me like you guys do. But, so seven years ago I would have been 12. I'm 19 now. I've never looked better. Maybe he's born with it. Maybe it's from huffing ether. But science isn't there yet to tell. But it's funny to do drugs when you're 12, because two years before that you were 10. So, you're a little kid. You're like a little kid.

Starting point is 01:45:10 Like I can remember doing air duster with my friends. And we're 12 years old, I can remember doing duster. And my buddy would be like, what's the biggest dog you've ever seen? And I, my neighbor's dog's looking massive. But you shouldn't do Duster, I've lost a lot of good friends like that. Chris Benoit, Aaron Carter.

Starting point is 01:45:32 Chris Benoit, couldn't happen to a nicer guy. Especially around the holidays, but. Chris Benoit murdered his family, allegedly. I think Ray Mysterio did it. But, thank you, KC Rocket, class of 2013. Wow, ladies and gentlemen, that is how it's done. Thank you. What a return. I mean, I don't think I've ever said this before on this show, but Casey, I have missed you.

Starting point is 01:46:09 I missed you. You are such a distinct type of rock star, built for arenas, at the ripe age of 19 years old. 19. That's news to us. And I've never looked better. It's true. Did you get a septum piercing? You say something. I mean... That's news to us. I've never looked better. It's true.

Starting point is 01:46:25 Did you get a septum piercing? You say something. Yeah. Funny you bring that up, James. I did. Wow. Did it hurt? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:46:39 Where'd you get it done at? Tooties. Wow. Where's Tooties at? Right next to Mr. Tyler's. Okay. Let's talk about Carly Garlic, heir to the garlic fortune. That name, what's in a name really? But Miss Garlic was one of the formidable adversaries and my benefactor. She put me through med school and I wouldn't be anywhere without Ms. Garlic.

Starting point is 01:47:13 That's Carly Garlic to you. It's Ms. Garlic to me. Wow. Which seems backwards. Yeah. But. That is amazing. I had no idea you went to medical school.

Starting point is 01:47:24 What did you study at medical school? Pre-med. Okay. I love it. I love it. Yeah, just trying to figure it all out. Yeah. Fishing attacks, cyber security.

Starting point is 01:47:40 Homeland, you all right, Red Band? You okay? Bye bye. Red Band's been really sick. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Casey, you are such a star with such an unbelievable, like, brand and your own style. How's it been going out on the road? It's been really good.

Starting point is 01:48:00 I, um... Oh, you're putting your hair back. We've never seen this before. That's a new thing. It's been the best summer of my life. Yeah, I went to... Can you turn to the sides so that everybody can see? Wow, look at that. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:48:16 Titty boy LaCroix. Thanks. And these old rags? Yeah, it's been the best summer ever. I went to 40 cities. I just got finished, so I'm going to 30 more next year. It's been really fun. Thank you for coming to see me. Wow.

Starting point is 01:48:33 So cool. Thank you. A true comedian, a true comedian, spreads his wings all over. How do you travel? What type of vehicle do you have? I've always wondered that. You seem like such a mysterious man. I've always pictured you perhaps horse and carriage or something.

Starting point is 01:48:53 Yeah, Nas Faratu style. I, uh... God. Listen to that Nas Faratu pop. One of the biggest pops in showbiz history. Tony's about to barf. I've been so sick. I did an almost double spit take there. I swallowed half.

Starting point is 01:49:12 Yeah, horse and buggy. My mom's a horse trainer. Shout out to Jenny Rocket. She's a horse trainer. She's watching from home right now. So cool. That's nice. Thanks. Yeah, horse and buggy, little car, big car. I'm looking at the way that Joe DeRosa is looking at you, and I noticed that it changed

Starting point is 01:49:30 when you put your hair back in a ponytail. I did notice that out of all the almost trans women tonight, I am most attracted to Casey. It is incredible. Truly, out of the performers and the woman that came up to kiss the Indian in the wheelchair, somehow KC Rocket is indeed the most beautiful woman that's been on the stage tonight. They're very... Oh, is that Jenny Rocket? I'm here. I want to say a very sincere thing to Casey. I mean this, dude.

Starting point is 01:50:08 Like, you like, you know, when you're in the business, whatever, you see some of the younger guys coming up and sometimes you see a dude that makes you go, fuck man, this guy. I got to work harder. You're one of those fucking guys to me, man. I'm serious. Thank you, Joe. You really are. I'm serious. I've started to see

Starting point is 01:50:25 awesome thank you I've seen a couple people on social media I've been sent some clips of some people I don't know their names I wouldn't throw anybody under a bus but I will say that I'm starting to see some up-and-coming comics try to rip that style a bit a lot lot of roaming around, a lot of not looking at people. I'm starting to see murmurs of it, the comedy store child. How Monica Sells have gone through the roof. It's terrible. Yeah, riffing is not a victimless crime.

Starting point is 01:50:57 It's not. I wouldn't advise it. It's tough. I don't want to... We can talk about it later. But... Of course. We'll circle back to it. It's tough. I don't want to, we can talk about it later. But of course. We'll circle back to it. Of course. But that's really flattering.

Starting point is 01:51:09 I'm just a comic, just a guy from his car living the American dream and happy to be here. Thank you. We love you KC Rocket. Another unbelievable performance. Truly, truly you have watched this star be born and risen and rises again. This is the resurrection of Titty Boy LaCroix, Casey Rocket. And that brings us indeed to bucket pool number six.

Starting point is 01:51:40 Who knows? This next person could be the next Casey Rocket. Make some noise for him. It's Tim Hill, everyone. Who knows? This next person could be the next KC Rocket. Make some noise for him. It's Tim Hill, everyone. Tim Hill. Straight out of the bucket. Anything can happen.

Starting point is 01:51:53 There's Tim Hill. Austin, Texas. Is everybody doing good on New Year's? Good, good. So I just want to say every woman in the world, every woman reaches an orgasm differently. Fellas listen, every woman comes differently. Every woman takes a little something different

Starting point is 01:52:13 to reach a climax. I was dating a lady one time who could only come while she was on top. My last girlfriend could only come when she was getting fucked from behind. The lady I'm with right now can only come if she's getting fucked by a black guy and I'm tied up. It's crazy. It's crazy.

Starting point is 01:52:29 It's crazy. But tomorrow I'm gonna be a couple years sober actually and don't woo, I have a minute. But I was in Narcotics Anonymous for a long time and there was this lady she was in my group. She was in Narcotics Anonymous. She was there for weed. there was this lady, she was in my group, she was in Narcotics Anonymous, she was there for weed. And you know, I respect everybody, but like fuck that lady. You know what, it's like, hey, you know, we do heroin and benzos in your sweetheart, alright? Get a story or get out, okay?

Starting point is 01:52:59 We're good. There you go, Tim Hill, you've been on this show before, I remember you. Years ago, yeah. Welcome, welcome, welcome back. Was it, were you still on Narcotics the last time you were on this show? No, but the last time I hung out with you I was.

Starting point is 01:53:14 When did we hang out? Skank Fest South, I was toast. That makes sense. That makes sense. That's a terrible festival for a recovering Narcotics addict to choose to go to. I was fucked up. I was on drugs. Okay. Well, I'm proud of you for the journey.

Starting point is 01:53:31 Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Unless you want to hang out later. Yeah, look at that. Joe DeRosa found the second most beautiful woman on this stage tonight. I was going to say, I like how Casey was dressed like Lane Stanley, and you look like Courtney Love. It is amazing Yeah, it's a fucking guy who wants to do coke with me later, that's what I'm talking about Okay, what's up, we're getting quiet, what do you do for work I take care of dogs I'm like a trainer and stuff like that. I go around. I walk dogs.

Starting point is 01:54:06 I work at a place for like a daycare, but I do a lot of stuff with them. Hold on, but you've got a UPS shirt on. This is a... Are you stealing Vella from the UPS? Yeah, you know, you get to skip the lines and things like that. Free packages delivered to my house.

Starting point is 01:54:21 This is my girlfriend's shirt. So you really do have a girlfriend. Yeah. How long have you been with her? Very since I got to Texas, like right away in March, like eight or nine months. OK. What does she do? Now she works for a gun company.

Starting point is 01:54:36 She counts like gun parts. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. She makes she's fucking putting glocks together, bringing them home. Yeah. I find parts all over my house. she's fucking putting glocks together, bringing them home, yeah. I find parts all over my house, it's like John Wicks living in my home, you know? Almost forgot we were in Texas,

Starting point is 01:54:51 and then I heard a pop for gun parts. Yee-hoo, fuck yeah. Parts of a gun, can't have a whole gun without the parts. I just love them when the parts come together. This is a hot crowd tonight. This is a true Texas crowd cheering for gun parts. People crying. I saw tears out there during that national anthem.

Starting point is 01:55:16 I saw tears for The Undertaker. This is a real Texas crowd. And you did a joke about, like, your girlfriend having sex with black guys while you watched. But I'm just noticing this in America, in every hotel room there is a cuck chair looking at the bed. So is that more common? There's always a chair.

Starting point is 01:55:36 So someone gets right at the bed. Is that a very common? No, that's Tim Hill's special seat. I'll tell you, that's mine. Yeah. They don't do that in Australia? They don't have a chair in the bedroom? Just in case you want to-

Starting point is 01:55:47 It doesn't always point directly at the bed. It's like a, it's a chair where you're supposed to like, I don't know, take your shoes off, or perhaps- Watch your wife get fucked by another man. It's truly the land of milk and honey America. We have a chair in the hotel room. How fucking bad is shit in Australia? I'm the king of the castle.

Starting point is 01:56:08 I'm on a chair. What's an Australian thing that's in a bedroom that's not in an American bedroom? A real man. Thank you, that's great. I appreciate that. People that don't talk like idiots. Why? What do you say, lad? I knew it would come to this. We have perfectly good bedrooms.

Starting point is 01:56:32 We talk in a normal way. No you don't. Listen to yourself. Yeah, it's fair. You sound like a moron. Here's what's hard. I've been here for long enough now that I went to the airport to go back to Australia and as I was in line I heard a woman talking and I thought fuck she's retarded And then I realized it was my accent that I was hearing coming back to me I also love that the Australian pronunciation of retarded is equal to the Boston pronunciation of retarded

Starting point is 01:57:02 You got to pay the respect to where it came from, you know? Tim, what's the craziest thing we'd be surprised to know about you that since the last time you've been on this show a couple years ago? Let's talk to Lady's Dick. Whoa! You guys can start. Let's sit down and have a conversation, my friend. Welcome to another episode of Whoa DeRosa.

Starting point is 01:57:32 Let's talk about it. Take us through the evening. Nice and slow. Don't just go straight to like the, so she's coming down the back of my throat. Like, where did you see her? Where did you meet her? What? Take it nice and easy. It's a pretty simple story.

Starting point is 01:57:45 You go on a website called Listcrawler. Wait, what the fuck is that website? I sucked a prostitute's dick. Oh, my God. Christ. There was a condom on it, which made me feel more like a whore than I did in the first place.

Starting point is 01:58:01 You basically sucked a dildo. Yeah, that's like making a sandwich for the guy at Subway. No, that... It sounds like that, but no. When the interest is to see a lady with giant tits and a cock, the $75 is worth it. You paid $75 to suck a lady's dick with a condom on it? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:58:32 It is weird that this is what the biggest conservative podcast in America looks like. Right, like, conservative has changed its meeting pretty drastically over the last two years look so let me speak for it when podcasts they're all sucking whore dick let me let me let me speak for everybody when I say everyone in America deserves to suck a lady's dick we just don't want our kids to have to hear about it in school. Yeah! The second they graduate high school, it's fucking condoms ready. I'll clear it up.

Starting point is 01:59:14 It was a three-way dick suck with a woman who I was with. Dig up! Wait, say that again? I used to have sex on the internet, you know? What do you mean? I'm telling you, I'm going to get there. I had sex on Chatterbait, if you're familiar. Standing Ovation from RedBan, our senior disgusting correspondent, and we wanted to switch it

Starting point is 01:59:40 up. So we got tits in a dick at the same time. Not a common order on the internet. Hold on. So this is with your girlfriend? Yeah. So you and your girlfriend are like, let's get a woman with a dick over here. Correct. Let's go. That's the start and stop of the story. We find one on the internet. Oh, whatever happened to good old-fashioned heterosexual love? Well, because here's a problem. Who gets sick of girl on top and needs to bring tits and a dick into the equation? By the way, I just want to take a moment. About 20 seconds ago, there was a guy

Starting point is 02:00:24 on the final thing when I said, so you and your girl had a girl with a dick come over and some guy over there goes, gay. Like it's like, where have you been the last seven minutes, sir? You just wake up? Is that Vic landing from the third floor again? He's like, gay. What's a sprinkler going next to me. But this ends with a sprinkler in your face as well. It sure does, yeah.

Starting point is 02:00:53 Okay. You know, because my girlfriend and I, we were on Chatterbait a lot, and we had regular people who liked the things that we did, and they wanted a little switch-up. Right. And hey, it's a switch-up that I didn't fucking hate. Right. Okay, so it's a switch up that I didn't fucking hate. Right. OK.

Starting point is 02:01:06 So the woman comes over. You throw a con. You guys just get right to it. Is there any small talk? There's drug use. OK, what kind of drugs? Coke is what I was on. OK.

Starting point is 02:01:16 And the hooker, the trans hooker, did Coke as well? The hookers won't do your drugs. I don't know if you boys have ever tried. But the hookers are playing it safe nowadays. Right. And they won't do your drugs. I don't know if you boys have ever tried, but the hookers are playing it safe nowadays. Right. And they won't do drugs. All I wanted for two years was to do Coke in a room with a hooker.

Starting point is 02:01:32 And no one would hang out with me. It's not a hard thing to achieve. Dude, it's harder than you'd fucking think, apparently. It's not. All right, show me around. This is incredible. This is the world that people who hated the Beatles were afraid of. They knew it started with a man with long hair and it

Starting point is 02:01:52 ended here. Attacking a prostitute for not doing drugs with you on the internet. You're like 80 pounds and a dick in your mouth away from being me, okay? That's true. There was a fork in the road and we went down, I went with the sandwich, you went with the penis. There was a fork in your mouth. Yeah. That's incredible. You're a wheelchair away from being Lieutenant Dan.

Starting point is 02:02:19 Okay, so the hooker comes over, you and your girlfriend do drugs, the hooker refuses your drugs, starts slowly putting on a condom. No, they hang out, she's, yeah, pretty much, yeah. She gets it, I get sucked, you know, a little bit by both of them, and then we do what the people on the internet

Starting point is 02:02:34 are asking for, which is- Oh, so you went live on the internet sucking a dick. Yes. Wow. Any regrets the next morning? No. I love that. No, just an unlocked thing that I know I like now that I can't.

Starting point is 02:02:50 A lot of guys are sobering up out there realizing that this guy's out there sucking cocks and that they don't like that. How much money did you make though? A good amount. More than the $75, you fucking homophobes. So you pull the profit off that? 100%. Easy peasy. Hotel room, coke, and hooker free. Wow.

Starting point is 02:03:12 At what point do you and your girlfriend stream the AIDS test? That's Patreon. That's next week. Is the clip findable somewhere? Is it out there? No. Oh, okay, Red Band was trying. I wanted to help out. Can you go backwards on Chatter Bay Red Band? You know.

Starting point is 02:03:29 You already have a joke book? No. Here you go. There goes- Fuck my dick. Damn. Well, no, that's another person's job. There goes Tim Hill, everybody.

Starting point is 02:03:40 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. This is Carrie the Fire. I'm your host, Lisa LaFlamme. Carry the Fire, a podcast by the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation featuring inspiring personal stories about what happens when world-leading doctors, nurses, researchers, and their patients

Starting point is 02:04:04 come together to ignite breakthroughs. Carry the Fire launches Monday, January 27th, wherever you get your podcasts. Hey, what's up? This is Joe from Past Gas Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show. We tell the craziest stories

Starting point is 02:04:24 like the first race across America. It was basically 45 days of hell or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper. We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out Pascass wherever you get your podcasts.

Starting point is 02:04:47 Oh boy, this place is about to go crazy again. Uh oh. Another person who wasn't here last night who just got into town today is yet another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. yet another one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, a Kil Tony Hall of Famer. A guy absolutely, I believe, second place for all-time appearances, all-time interviews, a roast god. This is the one and only David Lucas! Yeah. Thank you, thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Starting point is 02:05:55 Thank you, thank you. Thank you, Koshy. Y'all ever notice that snatching a black girl's wig off is equivalent to taking the mask off of the criminal on Scooby-Doo? It's like, I knew it was you. She's like, I would have got away with it if it wasn't for you kids. I don't know what it is about snatching

Starting point is 02:06:36 a black girl's wig off, but that shit change her DNA. You know what I'm saying? Because when you snatch the wig off, the eyebrows come with it. My relationship with my girlfriend ain't been the same since I snatched that bitch wig off. I snatched her wig off and I called the cops on that hoe. I'm like, hey, it's a hood nigga in my bathroom.

Starting point is 02:07:02 Somebody uncle just went in my closet. But I think if you're in a relationship and you've been with a girl at least three months, you should have at least seen her natural face. Because the first time you see your girl without makeup, it's like, damn, baby, I didn't know you had six months to live. What the fuck? If I knew that shit was terminal I would have never cheated on your ass all right that's my time fuck yes the return of the legend

Starting point is 02:07:35 yeah David Lucas Tony oh you look like a gay nigga going through a divorce yes Emma forgot his sleeves rolled up like he about to split everything in half. Including the dildo. This is your half. What's up, Tony? I like that look. Well, we know you're not splitting anything in half.

Starting point is 02:08:02 We know what you split in half. Oh, you son of a bitch. That ass cheek. Oh my God. Your hat is as backwards as your diet. God damn, Tony, why you so red? Nigga, you gotta stop letting your man abuse you. You up here looking like a ripe tomato, bitch.

Starting point is 02:08:24 Your ass. I'm going to throw it at the next bucket pull that don't do good. Why you so red? I can't believe you know what a tomato is. That's a vegetable with nutrients in it. But you know what a cucumber is. You fucking gay motherfucker. That nigga Tony know what the sandwich pickle is.

Starting point is 02:08:49 Look at him, he want one right now. That nigga smoking that cigarette thinking about a dick. God damn it. You are on fire already. Look at you. You look like somebody's fucking teddy bear ate everything. I just be missing Tony so much. What's up Tony? Joe DeRosa. Yeah. That nigga look like the kid off of the Wild Thornberries. Yep.

Starting point is 02:09:19 What was that kid name on the watch. David, it's nice to finally be in a room big enough that you can fit into. Joe, if you would have been riding in the front seat of JFK's car, he wouldn't be dead. You big head bitch, water balloon head ass nigga, get the fuck out of here. Look at that nigga head out here. Look at that Jimmy Neutron. But you get your... It's true. It's true. That motherfucker look like an educated llama. Get your dumb ass...

Starting point is 02:09:55 Look at that nigga head. I like that you're keeping the chocolate twizzlers inside your hat now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha now but... Hell yeah. Tony out here with all type of Puerto Rican niggas in his house. Before I was a blatant Republican, the only elephant that supported me was you. Don't laugh at that shit, man. Fuck this nigga. Oh yeah. Got him.

Starting point is 02:10:58 Tony, I don't even know why you're a Republican because you can't get abortions no more. What? You can't get't get abortions no more. What? You can't get no more abortions, nigga. You're the one that looks like you're pregnant with triplets. I might be, shit. That is incredible. Every time I'm nutting a bitch, I get pregnant. Have you not tried Ozempic?

Starting point is 02:11:24 Are you allergic to it or something? What's going on? You haven't tried it? You know there's an easy way around this now. Tony, you out here taking zestosterone, bitch. Yo, buddy. What a gay ass nigga. Dave's like, I've been eating the Ozempic. It's not working. Jordan Rosen, we gonna put your head on some ozempic, bitch. Your head need to go on the Smith-ass diet, bitch.

Starting point is 02:11:51 This motherfucker James, he's fat! No, I'm sitting this out. I was very happy to sit this one out. That motherfucker James looked like William Montgomery waking up from a 20-year coma. You shut your mouth! You shut your bitch mouth, David Lucas! David Lucas look like Pusha T ate Biggie Smalls.

Starting point is 02:12:11 I'm not taking this from you. Oh shit, you woke the Australian roast beast. I wanna wake that nigga up. Boy, it look like somebody put your ass in the dryer bitch I'm gonna be the kill Tony in 30 minutes. Let me go in the dryer Well, if people would stop cancelling right before the show started I'd have some time to prepare I Call you bitch

Starting point is 02:12:43 Dumb bitch You dumb bitch You're so nice backstage. What is this weird persona? Why you acting all nasty in front of these 8,000 people your mama raised you better than that Yeah, a kangaroo raised you you Australian bitch Did you drive a Subaru here you fucking lesbian Did you drive a Subaru here you fucking lesbian? Show us how to hear James McCain You look like a disheveled lesbian get your motherfucking. Oh, yes, you look like a very handsome man indeed

Starting point is 02:13:28 Well, I have any problems going on in the body. People in glass houses shouldn't eat so much, David. If David lived in a glass house, he wouldn't be able to lean against any of the walls. Y'all ganging up on me now? I'm kind of like niggas gang up on Tony. You start... Yeah, it's funny. Motherfucker. Joe DeRosa, go go ahead what what your head got to say? I like to see you put on a baseball cap Your head is on the last notch Show the notch to the people it's on the last fucking notch can we zoom in on that notch? Look Joe DeRosa you look like one of them rattlesnake preachers, you know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 02:14:05 When rattlesnakes bite you, then you pray it off. Alright, that wasn't that good. Yeah. Don't try to get esoteric. Joe DeRosa looked like someone who was giving Richard Nixon advice. He does. Look at him. You do.

Starting point is 02:14:19 Look at him. Jameson Kansh is making me laugh. I don't know what to do. I watched a Watergate documentary. You're in it a lot. You look like somebody bleached David Lucas, you fat fuck. I'll accept it. He's not that fat, that's like my... Yes he is, he's fat.

Starting point is 02:14:33 Oh in my country... If I was his size I'd be happy. In my country I'm very, very fat. For real? Australia, yeah. In America I'm doing okay. In America you healthy, okay. It's uh. In America you healthy nigga that's uh. I have been riding around on the scooters at the Walmart. That is a good time.

Starting point is 02:14:50 I've seen you there. We've been out there together. Hell yeah. I don't shop at Walmart nigga. What the fuck is you talking about? Joe DeRosa looks like he can only drive convertibles with that head nigga. Or a fucking car with a swim roof. You just see his head poking out the top if you see Joe DeRosa's head shadow

Starting point is 02:15:07 that mean we got 30 more days This is incredible Joe DeRosa day David Lucas is only here because when he heard HE-E-B Center, he thought he was going to the best grocery store ever. H-E-B is a good grocery store. It's fantastic. Yeah, it's a good grocery store.

Starting point is 02:15:40 That's where you can catch him on mobility scooters. I actually do groceries delivered to my house. I don't really. Really? You don't move around much? That's a surprise. If you get a headache, you're gonna be in the hospital for three days.

Starting point is 02:15:58 No, I had this man picked as a whole foods man, cause he's eating the whole foods at the net store. That's all I have, I'm sorry. Yeah. I'm gonna say the kangaroo to beat your ass. This is incredible. You really get groceries delivered? Yeah.

Starting point is 02:16:16 Is it done drive by style or? What do you order Tony fucking? You know me, sausage right up my ass. Organic. As long as it's organic. Hell yeah. No condom. So David, how's life been going? You've been on the road, you've been traveling around.

Starting point is 02:16:37 Yes sir, got a lot of tour days for 2025. Me and you got some exciting stuff coming up. So you will be seeing a lot of stuff for me and Tony in 2025. I can't wait for the world to coming up. Yep. So you will be seeing a lot of stuff from me and Tony in 2025. I can't wait for the world to see that. Yep. Yeah, just touring, doing shows. Thank you for everybody who has supported.

Starting point is 02:16:54 We love you, David. You're a fucking monster. An absolute beast. Thank you, man. I appreciate it. Make some fucking noise for the great and powerful David Lucas. Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 02:17:06 Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! You might as well. My man.

Starting point is 02:17:14 One more time for David, everybody, again. Hall of Famer, legend. And speaking of legends, let's just go back to back chaos before we get back to this bucket. You guys want back-to-back chaos? I present to you, here to grace us with his presence, it's unbelievable. Just like The Undertaker being here, this is so surreal for a fucking young punk like myself that fucking started when I was younger thinking who knows where this can go. Here to do an appearance on this show, ladies and gentlemen, the first comedian

Starting point is 02:17:51 to ever sell out an arena. One of the greatest of all time. I present to you, this is indeed the return of Andrew Dice Clay. Nice! Clay! Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, You know what, Tony? You know what, I should have, I mean, number one, let's hear for Tony Hengecliffe. He's unreal. But, you know, and I know it's New Year's Eve. I mean, I saw The Undertaker. I fucked them. But the thing is this, Tony. I am a little upset.

Starting point is 02:19:44 I'm just kidding. I shouldn't have even came up here tonight, I'll be honest, because you know when you carry something, you know, Joe? When something's bothering you. And I know we're in an arena full of people, but if I don't get it off my chest, it's really going to bother me and I won't be able to do anything for you because I'm getting ready for the show right and I tell her all the time because I follow a list I put things like fingerless gloves I stole from Dick's sporting goods check and I tell it don't make any noise when I follow the list, but she makes a noise. And I come over and I tell her, as nice as you, shut up.

Starting point is 02:20:36 I go back to the list. Shoes by Ferragamo. She makes another noise. It gets a little more severe, I'm telling you the truth. You know, I feel like an asshole, but I come over and I go, you know, shut the fuck up. I mean, you understand, if somebody said that to you, you would understand her, right? She makes another noise. And I'm just going to out myself to this crowd And I'm just gonna out myself to this crowd

Starting point is 02:21:05 because I'm just sick inside and I've been sitting backstage for a while. And I come over to her and with one hand, I'm just, I can't lie, I just can't do it. And with one hand, I grab Alexa out of the fucking wall, this piece of shit, and I bash her on the fucking ground. And now she's in fucking pieces. You know, I got Alexa during the pandemic,

Starting point is 02:21:43 and everything was beautiful back then. I don't know, I come out of the room in the morning, I go, Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio. Come fly with me. Let's fly. Let's fly away. Thank you. Alexa, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Beep beep, beep beep. Alexa, what's the weather like outside? Oh, it's sunny with a few clouds in the sky. And about eight months ago it starts, right? I come out, Alexa, play Frank Sinatra radio. She starts playing some fucking rock and roll shit.

Starting point is 02:22:27 Alexa set the coffee timer for five minutes. Nothing. Tell him in the shower, 20 minutes later, and she starts beep beep, beep beep, hoping I slip and break my fucking hip. What? Why didn't they come out with Anthony just for the guys? I know that would have never been a problem. Anthony, play Frank Sinatra radio.

Starting point is 02:22:57 Come fly with me. Let's fly. Let's fly away. Anthony, set the coffee timer for five minutes. Dice, you only got to tell me one fucking time. I'm not fucking Alexa. Me and you, we're the same. Go take your fucking shower and if you want to know the weather, look out the fucking window. And here we are, fucking New Year's Eve. This is the night.

Starting point is 02:23:28 Let me tell you, this is one load at a time, fellas. Everybody gets to shoot their moose juice all over you tonight. That's what it's all about. And tonight, it's not just about a quick bang. It's about being a fucking mechanic walk around the bed pal Take a good look at her what she's wearing be a mechanic move the tongue to the side nice beefy clam chops between our legs You get on missionary. Why why would you get on missionary just to break a sweat?

Starting point is 02:24:04 Why why would you get on missionary just to break a sweat? Loosen the back muscles the back of your legs get on your toes dig in a little Now when you break a sweat you grab it by your ankle pull it to the edge of the bed catty corner It's the best fucking workout in the world You're doing the screwdriver you're're working your shoulders, your tris, your bais, it's incredible. Now you're gonna do your fucking squats, hold on to that fucking ankle, but on the third time down, your face goes right into the pink lip lagoon. On the sixth time down, my friend, you miss the pink lip lagoon and your tongue goes in Blblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblblbl extra long pussy hairs. And today they take it to the salon, they get it bleached out, buffed out,

Starting point is 02:25:07 put a little studded fucking hearing in there. So when your tongue goes in there, what does a chick do? They all look to the left. They're all like, did he do what I think he just did? And then the show begins. Ass putty, ass put putty, tit, tit, tit, ankle, putty, putty, putty, ass, ass. Like you're honking a horn, ass, ass. Then you pick up the tempo, ass, putty, ass, putty, ass, putty, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit,

Starting point is 02:25:42 tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tit, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick I just came out and I heard when you yelled that out I heard it but I don't know if these these people would know the mother goo stuff so I'm not I'm not gonna stand up here unless I really hear that you fucking know this. I miss my office sat on a toffee eating her curds way. Long came a spidey sat down beside. He said, hey, what's in the bowl, bitch? Oh! Jack and Joe went up the hill, both with a buck and a quarter. Joe came down with 250.

Starting point is 02:27:03 Oh! Little boy blue, He needed the money. Iggy-giggy. Hickory dickory dock. This chick was sucking my cock. The clock struck two. I dropped my goo. I dumped a bitch on the next block. Oh! Oh, mother hubby went to the cupboard to get her old dog a bone she bent over Rover took over oh she got a bone of a ron you've been a great crowd God bless happy fucking new I love you Austin. Thank you Tony. I love you. Good night Andrew Dice Clay ladies and gentlemen You are in it the vortex of fucking chaos that is kill Tony in its hometown in an arena

Starting point is 02:28:03 You guys having fucking fun tonight or what? We're going back to the bucket. Somebody has to follow the first comedian that ever did an arena straight out of a bucket. Could be you. One minute uninterrupted to the seventh bucket pull of the night that goes by the name of Cameron Altman, name of Cameron Altman everybody Cameron Altman

Starting point is 02:28:31 Make some noise for Cameron everybody What's up, Austin So denying the Holocaust is like denying OJ did the crime. It's kind of like denying Sleepy Joe's a pedo. So the left says Hitler's coming to power this year. Hitler? That's the case. I may need to borrow somebody's attic. I don't feel like writing a diary, so all it's really gonna say is we didn't learn shit from our history. Give them a circus and none shall revolt. Welcome to the circus, folks.

Starting point is 02:29:20 Anyways... Sorry. Anyways, sorry. So, eat the rich everybody's saying. I'd go down on a lonely old widow for a chance at owning a house in this economy. Okay, I'm gonna save you immediately. Cameron, Cameron Altman, welcome, welcome. How are you? Doing well, Tony.

Starting point is 02:29:48 How long you been doing stand-up? A couple months now. Okay, all of it here in Austin? No, in Denver, actually. Okay, well welcome from Denver. Is that where you're originally from? No, I'm originally from Oklahoma. For those of you listening,

Starting point is 02:30:03 there is nothing this guy can do more to be hated by this audience. I'm trying my best. No, Oklahoma sucks. It's a bunch of pedophiles. You're doing a good job. Keep trying. Take a step forward, look it out at those people and tell them why Oklahoma sucks. Oklahoma sucks because there's a bunch

Starting point is 02:30:25 of meth addicts that touch children. Okay. Do you people like Oklahoma or hate Oklahoma? They hate Oklahoma. Do they like touching children? No. What do ghosts say? Okay Red Band thank you. It is hard to follow Andrew Dice Clay. People do say that. It is, especially when you don't have material and your eyes are closer than Clinton and Epstein. Look at those fucking things. Your eyes are almost touching.

Starting point is 02:30:55 Trematic brain injury at two. My brother threw a rock at my head. Oh my God. All right, the crowd isn't having it. I wanna say now. Cameron, here's a little joke book. I'm going to save you. Oh Jesus, I just hit him between the eyes. It's impossible to hit him between the eyes.

Starting point is 02:31:11 It's not fair. Alright. Do we have a replay of that? You don't have to be afraid of anything anymore. Alright. Alright. I'm calling for a slow-mo replay of that book hitting him. I'm wondering how long it'll take.

Starting point is 02:31:26 Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Joe, you walk out of there. Where is it at here? Here it's gonna come. Oh, Jesus Christ. Give it to me one more time, Anthony. It's just too good. Oh, look at this.

Starting point is 02:31:37 We happen to have the production team from the UFC here. So I can literally, oh yeah, right? Oh my God. Wow, that is incredible. I mean, his fingers weren't even close. The throat is incredibly accurate, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, and look at the reaction time. That is a true traumatic brain injury.

Starting point is 02:31:58 He blinks seconds after it hits him. Oh, and he tried to catch the rebound, even close Wow, ladies and gentlemen, we might be the first arena show ever to watch The cause of a suicide happened in real time. He's gonna be back. He's gonna make it This is like when Trump went to that White House Correspondence dinner and everyone was laughing at him and he was like fuck you I'm gonna take over that guy's gonna get some jokes and he's gonna be back He could end up being the best comedian of all time. What's up his booze? I don't care and he was like, fuck you, I'm gonna take over. That guy's gonna get some jokes and he's gonna be back. He could end up being the best comedian of all time one day.

Starting point is 02:32:28 Yeah, I suck up his booze, I don't care, I'm strong. Boo away, fat man from Oklahoma. I can't believe I missed that whole thing. I was peeing and I just heard a wave of booze. I couldn't explain to you what happened if I tried. It's a haunted house. That was nuts. I'm going to change the tone of this room yet again, everybody. Don't worry, booing people.

Starting point is 02:32:56 This is a very emotional audience. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you yet another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a freak of nature that makes writing and performing a new minute look like a casual fucking pudding butter on your toast in the morning. I present to you one of my favorite human beings, one of my favorite comedians. Ladies and gentlemen, you know him. This is the great and powerful Cam Patterson, everyone. You can get louder than that. Oh, fuck! Can y'all tell I ran out of material yet?

Starting point is 02:34:06 Uh, ha ha. Nigga, I ain't got shit to say. Uh, I say this, I would, I just learned how to do that backstage and I thought that was gonna be pretty fucking funny if I could've pulled it off. But it would've been cool to do that in like 1932. You take over a whole fucking town, nigga. be like this nigga's a witch and a nigga.

Starting point is 02:34:28 What the fuck going on here man? I tell you this, I uh, fuck Barack Obama nigga. Not for the reasons you think brother. That nigga was too happy. No, I say that because when I was a little kid, my teacher told me I could be whatever I wanted to be in life, even the president of United States and I was like what is that? And then she said he make the rules for the country and Cam you could even be the first black president of the United

Starting point is 02:34:59 States. And then when I was in third grade in 2008, Barack Obama became the first black president and that fuck nigga took my dreams from me. And I sold crack the next day. All right, that's it. I'm done. I love that. What the fuck? I think that's a great fucking joke.

Starting point is 02:35:17 That's one of my favorite jokes. That's a great joke. All right, whatever you say, brother. I'll bet that bitch dressing like a motherfucker, Tony. I didn't have shit. I was like, this water thing ain't gonna work. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go to the bathroom. I'm gonna go you say brother. I'll bet that be a stressor like a motherfucker Tony. I

Starting point is 02:35:28 Have shit. I was like this water thing on only thing I have right now. I swear to God you're getting in your own head That's what happens you have it almost worked. Were you using a napkin? What happened? It was uh, it was a magnet. They were supposed to be magic. Nick. I was doing magic It was a magnet. It was supposed to be magic, nigga. I was doing magic. Cam, I'm just curious. What was supposed to happen with the upside down cop? It was supposed to stay like that.

Starting point is 02:35:51 And then what? And then that was it. Oh, okay. I did that same thing in Boston and they loved it, but they dumb, so it's... You did what, the water trick? Oh, they fucking lost their minds in Boston. You don't like it?

Starting point is 02:36:04 No, what, the water trick? Yeah. I love the water trick. You love the water trick, they fucking lost their minds in Boston. You don't like it? No, what? The water trick? Yeah. I love the water trick. You love the water trick. I just learned that shit in Boston. It was dope. They also never seen a black person in Boston. All right, here you go, black man. Let's do, we're going to teach you some tricks. It's a water cup. We have a replay of it.

Starting point is 02:36:20 Let's see the replay of your, what you consider your lowest moment in comedy history. Very proud right there. Oh, look at the look of absolute shock. This, I know, the sheer surprise that it didn't work. I was so confident in it. I can't believe it. Not gonna hold you.

Starting point is 02:36:44 Listen, real shit, it was easy. I was gonna do that. I was gonna come in and just start jerking for like two minutes, nigga. That was it. That's all I had. I can't wait for the next bucket poll to get electrocuted because your horse shit magic trick didn't work.

Starting point is 02:36:59 I'm telling you, the Obama joke is good. Man, that shit is terrible, nigga. Why? It's just not good. It don't got no beefs to it. It's not good. It's not good. We'll figure it is terrible nigga. Why it's just not good. I'm got no beef stew It's not good. It's not good. We'll figure that fuck it. That's all right. I think it was good It was that's good. Trust me It's good

Starting point is 02:37:18 The people love you I hate it cams getting in his head This is what happens when you fucking make it and you're selling out shows and it's continuous and you have to write a new minute every week. I mean, again, that is a job that none of your favorite comedians, none of them, none of them that you think in the world that are the best, none of them want to put out a new minute every single week on the fucking internet. None of them. Trust me, I promise. Ask them when you see them. Ask them why they don't do it just for free, just for you. single week on the fucking internet. None of them, trust me, I promise.

Starting point is 02:37:45 Ask them when you see them. Ask them why they don't do it, just for free, just for you. Hey, why don't you put on a minute for me every week? I'll stand up. They won't, they don't, because it's scary as fuck. It's frightening, and you can't do it. They can't come up with one minute. So imagine having to do it every week.

Starting point is 02:38:03 Anyway, there he is. As you can tell by how hard he's sweating, it's not an easy job. And plus you have typical making-it-black-guy problems, your entourage gets bigger every week. It's a real thing. Your hair keeps getting bigger and your sweatpants keep getting tighter. Now my sweatpants been the same size the whole time, man. My sweatpants ain't changed. I know, I'm just trying to have fun.

Starting point is 02:38:23 You do have the biggest entourage of anyone I've met in comedy. It's like four people. No, I was at a gig at the mothership a couple of weeks ago and you had 57 people backstage. You had enough fried chicken to feed a whole neighborhood. That was for the whole club. I brought chicken for the whole club. I brought everybody chicken. Yeah, but who ate it?

Starting point is 02:38:44 I ate it. I ate it. I was the only white guy in the green room hanging out and eating the fried chicken. I had a great time. We're not surprised you were eating the fried chicken, James. Wow. No, it's true. You have entourage problems.

Starting point is 02:39:01 It's a normal thing. How many? What's too many? Well, it starts with four. You always come in with four, and then each one of them invites one, and each one of those people invites two. It's a thing, you people don't know about this,

Starting point is 02:39:14 we're gonna let you know. See, this is what happened, that's what's cool about a show like this, is you end up watching white artists and black artists have conversations about the culture. That's why I only roll with my day one N words. Yeah. You got it.

Starting point is 02:39:28 Type shit? Yeah. It's true. James is part of Shane's crew. Shane's crew never adds people or takes them away. They stay strong. I was a weird addition because I just showed up at his house. I like the Obama thing.

Starting point is 02:39:44 That shit was terrible. No. I like the Obama thing. That shit was terrible. We love the Obama thing. Because you can still be the first black president who doesn't really disappoint black people. That's not going to, that's going to happen. I'm going to disappoint him. But Obama also is only half black.

Starting point is 02:39:57 So you have a shot at being the first full black president. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, that works. And when you and the cabinet accomplish, or as you call it, your four friends. The cabinet's getting bigger all the time. Yeah. That's your entourage, right? When you're the president. Yeah. Yeah. Type shit. Yeah. I'm a genius. Yep. Which is good. It's true. Cam, what else is going on? Same shit.

Starting point is 02:40:26 Running around doing shows, shit like that. Okay. Hell yeah. Everything's good? Everything's great. Alright. Cam met my dad. My dad was happier to meet Cam Patterson than anyone I've ever met.

Starting point is 02:40:36 And he ran up and gave you a hug. And you were so nice to my daddy. He's cool people, man. And then my dad was like, alright, that's done. Where's Heidi? I want to meet Heidi as quickly as possible Anything else cam everybody loves you. I don't know what's going on Cam the only way to get this back is to find a better piece of paper and make that magic trick work properly

Starting point is 02:41:04 The people demand to see good magic. Yeah. Cam, will you do it again with the beer? You can do it this time, Cam. I believe in you. And you know what? Not only are we going to do that, can you bring the horse girl up here? We have a young lady named Sarah Sloan, who I made a promise

Starting point is 02:41:25 to many months ago on the show. She can do the greatest horse impression you've ever heard. I didn't know when I was going to use her or how I was going to use her tonight, but I've decided she's going to make her famous horse noise right now while Cam does the magic trick with a brand new fresh bottle of water and what appears to be some cardboard. We need to get you a microphone. Cam, is that the same thing you used before? Okay, yeah. You're good.

Starting point is 02:41:58 Cam, that's going to fail again. Can we use this? Wait, what is that? Just normal? Are those my papers? I just grabbed that from, yeah, I'm sorry. What is that? No, what do you need, cardboard? What is that?

Starting point is 02:42:10 I've never even seen this trick before. Cam, you have to believe in yourself, that's the secret. Alright, there's no way this is gonna work. Make the horse noise. Make the horse noise. And ladies and gentlemen, your witness again. This is the absolute stupidest comedy show of all time. Make the horse noise one more time. Me! BAM!

Starting point is 02:42:47 MUSIC Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Let's do a replay of the water with one more horse noise. The horse noise, how about a hand for Sarah Sloan everybody? One more replay, watch the monitors while you do it Sarah. Do a horse noise with the, when it drops, here we go. And so dumb. Unbelievable.

Starting point is 02:43:22 How about a hand for Sarah Sloan, everybody? All of a sudden, we're doing 90s condom. This is great. Oh my god. I can't believe we're going to win an Emmy for this episode, by the way. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Oh, shit.

Starting point is 02:43:41 She's mopping. Can you believe this? All right back to the bucket we go you guys want another bucket pool? All right No, this is a very fun name make some noise for Daisy Hart everybody Daisy Hart is next Could be the first Daisy Hart is next. Could be the first person to win a golden ticket in an arena, could be the first regular maidener.

Starting point is 02:44:09 Here she is, anyway, Daisy Hart. Woo! Woo! Thank you. Woo! Woo! Thank you. What the fuck is up, Texas?

Starting point is 02:44:22 Happy New Year's! Woo! Guys, I'm Daisy Hart. I've been hearing everyone's been calling me Daisy Heartless lately. I'm like, ah, I'm sorry, boys. You gotta be at least this tall to ride the ride? Fuck you guys.

Starting point is 02:44:42 Y'all, I'm from a sundown town. If y'all don't know what a sundown town is, they have a sign that says if you're brown, turn around. I thought that meant if you're brown, turn around, you know? Hey, whatever, guys. Fuck y'all. Y'all can be jealous. I am new to comedy, though.

Starting point is 02:44:59 I hear you got to eat a lot of dicks to be good at comedy. So, y'all can start calling me little kamikaze. Woop, it's hard to be this bad. Daisy. Heart, welcome Daisy. How long have you been on standup? It's been almost nine months. Nine months, all of it here in Austin?

Starting point is 02:45:26 Yeah, my first time was with you, so... On Killtony? Yeah. Okay, how's it been going? It's been going good. How did it feel tonight? I mean, I was a little scared of this crowd. HEB is always heavy on the booing.

Starting point is 02:45:38 I think they were scared of you as well. I mean, they should be. I got a pretty big package, you know. What do you mean? You know, I got a pretty big package, you know. What do you mean? You know, I carry a big dick on me usually. What do you mean? I mean it's this big. This is big enough to put a lot of the guys in town to shame. So it's all good.

Starting point is 02:45:57 Okay. Daisy, I'm going to give you this little joke book. Oh, Jesus Christ. I at least did it. Alright. There she goes. Daisy Hart, Christ. I at least did it. All right. There she goes, Daisy Hart, everybody. This is a real show, people. Whoa.

Starting point is 02:46:12 There goes Daisy Hart. She's gonna go vote for Kamala one more time. I'm gonna save us all again. I can't help myself tonight. It's just highs and lows, baby, highs and lows. I'm gonna bring up an ice cold evil legend, a guy that I've been watching close shows forever. Whether it be the main room of the Comedy Store

Starting point is 02:46:35 or the back of the mothership, I'm sitting back there. Every set is different. I present to you the return of your favorite comedians. Favorite comedian, this is Brian Holtzman. I present to you the return of your favorite comedian's favorite comedian. This is Brian Holtzman. You guys better get louder than that for the legend Brian Holtzman. You guys better get louder than that for the legend Brian Oltzman. I just cut Daisy down, she was trying to hang herself backstage.

Starting point is 02:47:18 Somebody go check on that bitch. Ain't it great when women try to do men's shit? Fuck raising a family, you know, being a member of the community. Stay in your lane, bitch! Learn how to cook! I'm not too happy with the panel. Trump is going to get this Australian. He's the first fucking immigrant that's gonna get the fuck out of the country.

Starting point is 02:47:52 Oh, did I hurt some of your feelings? Fuck Bob Dylan. Playing all that silly love songs. I was in a toxic relationship. How long? 18 months? Why did it take you so long to figure out you were in a toxic relationship? Wasn't when he had his hands wrapped around your fucking throat. Guys know how to get rid of guys quick.

Starting point is 02:48:32 We know when guys are dangerous. We get away from them real quick. What's wrong with you bitches? You can't sense danger? What was it? When he pushed you out of that slow moving fucking car near the lake? When he spilled his beer in your face in front of your parents? Kill yourself! Kill yourself!

Starting point is 02:48:57 Happy New Year! It's a brand new year! Tell all your friends, tell all your people you know, start with the feelings! We don't give a fuck about your feelings! I hope everybody got what they wanted for Christmas. And Kwanzaa and Hanukkah and ISIS. You want to decorate the tree or cut somebody's fucking head off? Yeah, some are laughing, some can't, because you're fucked.

Starting point is 02:49:48 I didn't do too well. I got those gift cards again. Give me the fucking cash. Give me the cash. What happens if I want to buy a cock ring? Am I going to find out a target? Give me that fucking cash! Here's a gift card.

Starting point is 02:50:12 Why don't you just shit in my hand? Shit in my hand! Shit in my hand! Give me the cash! What happens if I want to buy a fucking asshole extender? You know? Could you see me a target trying to get an asshole extender? Well, it looks like a reversed egg beater and it has keys on it and you crank it and

Starting point is 02:50:43 it makes your asshole larger. Do you have it? Oh, who's not laughing at that, stupid ass? I got New Year's resolutions too. I'm not lifting up the fucking toilet seat when I piss. I got a prostate problem, I'm not going up and down with the fucking toilet seat. Bitch, turn around and see where that seat is. And if there's piss on it, be a girl and wipe the fucking urine off. If I hear it, if I hear you need to lift the seat once more I'm gonna rip the fucking seats out of the whole house. I told my mother I'm taking the

Starting point is 02:51:34 fucking toilet seats out of the house. It's gonna be like the Philippines, no toilet seats. My New Year's resolution, I'm not putting my shopping cart away. Fuck you! You should be happy I'm shopping at this fucking store. So all you people care about is putting shopping carts away. Fuck yourself! I'll put it away. I put it right in the intersection of the parking lot and wait for the woman to just drive up and say and sit there. They want to send women to the moon. What are they going to do? Get up there and complain? It's too cold, it's too hot. Where are they going to find women to go to the moon? They're all busy playing fucking soccer. It's a brand new year.

Starting point is 02:52:58 It's a brand new start, a clean slate, just be happy and not have any feelings. We don't give a fuck about your feelings. Feelings go up and down, feelings, you know, feelings are like a fart. Once you fart, you don't miss that fart. Well, maybe I didn't explain that quite right. I don't know. I'm not used to playing a whole fucking town.

Starting point is 02:53:42 But it's a brand new year. I'm optimistic about it. I'm very optimistic about it. I'm even more optimistic about remembering what I was going to say up here. Hey, shut your motherfucking mouth! Throw them out! Throw that motherfucker out! Kill Tony? Kill him! Kill him!

Starting point is 02:54:17 You probably voted for that fucking Harris bitch! I hope Trump, Trump, Trump when he gets in office he's gonna kill everybody in the country. You know, what was his name, Grave Digger? What was? The big guy. Yeah, yeah, I fucked him. Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Brian Holtzman everybody.

Starting point is 02:55:00 A legendary set. Make some noise for him, everybody. The great, the powerful Brian Holtzman is back. Let's go back to back chaos. You guys like back to back chaos? Let's go back to back chaos. You guys like back to back chaos? Let's do it. I present to you another one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, a man who needs no introduction at all, but I'm giving it to him anyway in the way of saying that this man will indeed be a citizen of the United States of America.

Starting point is 02:55:48 This is the Estonian Assassin, Ari Mati! Hey, hey. Bam. Check this shit out, huh? You like this? Bam! Check this shit out, huh? You like this? I was in front of the mirror today and I was practicing my kicks. Don't you guys think it kind of looks like I'm a Nazi who's got his hands full. But he sees Hitler walking, he's like, ah.

Starting point is 02:56:58 I've always been flexible. And when you're flexible as a guy, the number one question you get is can you suck your own dick? Now we've all tried. Every guy here, even before you could read, you were like infinite energy, a self-sustaining unit. And I gotta tell you, I'm pretty close. I can... I can like tongue the tip. I can like clean myself off, you know? Get some of that cheese.

Starting point is 02:57:51 Oh yeah, I've tasted my own, come fuck you, it's delicious. I love when women are like, come, it's disgusting. You bitches do know that what you have down there ain't no crème brûlée either. At least my shit has protein and the future. Come, it's disgusting is a pretty pretentious thing to say when I have a mouth full of piss, huh? I was telling my friend John that I'm pretty close and my friend John literally looks me in the eyes and he goes, Ari, that's because you're doing it wrong. The way you're supposed to do it is you go on your back and you throw your legs over your head

Starting point is 02:58:50 and now you let gravity blub blub blub like a fucking oil rig and I was like John I'm not going to do that because what if my fucking roommate walks in, at least with this when he walks in, I get to be like, lol, tried it. But if you walk in and I'm full Richard Simmons getting physics involved, blah, blah, blah. That's at least a conversation. Thank you very much! Thank you HGP! Arrriiimati!

Starting point is 02:59:37 Very fun set, very relatable. We've all absolutely been there. We've all tried many different ways to suck our own dicks. A little fun fact, you know, this show's gone a long time, I don't really ever go backwards, I'm not one to reminisce, but Redman did remind me of the time in which he insisted that he could suck his own dick. Yeah, and he said- He didn't kill Tony.

Starting point is 03:00:03 Yeah, we did it on the show. I couldn't believe it, ladies and gentlemen. How close were you? Well, a fun fact is he took your second approach. He took the on the shoulders, fuck your own. I did it actually on stage. His hips. That was before I ate like pumpkins and stuff like that.

Starting point is 03:00:20 That's what I was wondering. But I used to be able to touch the tip of it. He wasn't even close, by the way. It was like 17 inches away. I used to be able to touch the tip of it with my tongue. He wasn't even close, by the way. It was like 17 inches away. I used to be able to do it, but it was just like, oh... You think you could do it right now? How many of you think Red Batch should try it right now? How many of you think for all...

Starting point is 03:00:35 This is the biggest moment. This has been the biggest year of his life. Two minutes at Madison Square Garden. The LA Forum. The YouTube Theater. Resort Zero. Oh shit! The undeniable co-creator of the Joe Rogan experience. I will show you how much fatter I am right now.

Starting point is 03:00:59 The co-host, Stub Kill Tony, is about to go to the middle of the stage and suck his own death. Oh, Anthony, get all the cameras ready for this shit. Kiltoni is about to go to the middle of the stage and suck his own death. Oh, Anthony, get all the cameras ready for this shit. Oh my God. Again, we're gonna need a yardstick to measure. He's cracking his back. He's doing some stretches that he's never done before. There is dust coming out of his loins right now. The man is made of...

Starting point is 03:01:28 Oh my God. Wait, you gotta do better than that right there. It wasn't even kind of. This isn't even... God. You're literally just laying on your back. That's all you're doing. He's got the comedians cheering for him. Red band, red band, suck your own fucking cock. Come on, stop being

Starting point is 03:01:57 a fucking suck your cock. It was a different me, man. What happened? I,I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I He's good at that. He smells better than you would think and his ass is cleaner than you would think. Ari, how's it going? Good. I got this fucking t-shirt. Check this out. Boom. Security unit. I stole it from Walmart. What are you going to do? Shoot me. See this shit? What is that? I mean, yeah. and the thing went off. The security guy just looked at me like, bup.

Starting point is 03:02:49 Wow. What a pleasure to be white in this country, huh? That is amazing. That's a cheap clue. Was that the only thing you stole? Yeah. I mean, it was actually, I was buying a PlayStation controller, and it was way overpriced than in the website and I make my own

Starting point is 03:03:07 Little math, you know, hell. Yeah, you fuck me on the price. I'll get it back Absolutely. I have my own little Robin Hood in my head Absolutely little Estonian Robin Hood Does Estonia have like I don't, fucking like legendary stuff that they've made? What do you mean? Is there like a Disney of Estonia? Is there like a great creator? No, I mean we haven't had a lot of time.

Starting point is 03:03:33 We were born in 1991. Give us some time Tony, I'm working on it you son of a bitch. Yes, son of a bitch. I mean it's 34 years at this point, you could have come up with something. What have you done? I don't have to do shit. I mean it's 34 years at this point you could have come up with something. What have you done? I don't have to do shit.

Starting point is 03:03:49 I'm from the United States. You've got a cool flag? Only the comedians. Yeah, the comedians are getting wild. They're starting to realize that... Here we go. Okay. Actually, maybe we are one of the more conservative podcasts.

Starting point is 03:04:12 Guys, you're the biggest country in the world. You don't have to pick on Estonia. You could pick on a big, cool country. How many... Yeah, fuck Australia. We're a real country. If there was another big cool country aside from us we'd fucking pick on it. Yeah. What's happening with those drones over New Jersey? Fucking China getting up in your face? You're all being bitches about

Starting point is 03:04:37 them drones up in New Jersey. Real Americans would have shot them down but you're just taking it like a cuck. What are you doing in New Jersey, America? They were smart to pick New Jersey. That's a great point. If that was Texas, we never would have heard that fucking news story. Got him! That would have been the first drone. All right, Ari, You did it again. Thank you so much, Tony. Thank you, Brian.

Starting point is 03:05:09 Let's go. We're doing the damn thing. Thank you, KillTony family. Bye! This show's running fucking long! So, I mean, I don't know. Back to back to back chaos! There's only one thing we can really do at this point because believe it or not that's as fucking powerful as a comedy show gets. Three and a half hours of insanity and now you've earned the final level. I present to you the Hall of

Starting point is 03:05:39 Famer with the most appearances, the Hall of Famer with the most interviews, whatever you do, you do not want to leave. There's fun stuff happening as I present to you the Round Rock Robin, the H-E-B Wasp, this is the Memphis Strangler. The Big Red Machine. Lights out. William Montgomery. My New Year's resolution is to read more obituaries of my haters! Oh hell no! That's my impression of what the United Healthcare Vice President said when they told him he was being promoted to CEO.

Starting point is 03:07:07 We don't give a fuck about that healthcare bullshit. Country singer Brad Paisley's wife had a damaged vocal cord that prevented her from speaking for two years and I'm just trying to figure out how lucky is that fucking guy? Y'all know that bitch be talking. I feel like I've tried every drug That fucking guy! Y'all know that bitch be talking! I feel like I tried every drug and then someone brings up poppers the other day and I forgot about that one.

Starting point is 03:07:34 Hey Red Band, what are those like again? It's like a gay drug. I'm insinuating Red Band is gay. Okay, let's keep her moving. You look pretty gay on the fucking ground just a minute ago. I'm insinuating Red Bay is gay. Okay, let's keep her moving. You look pretty gay on the fucking ground just a minute ago. Holy shit. You're way more flexible than I thought you would be. I just realized the animated cartoon Scooby-Doo Where Are You has a laugh track. Apparently Scooby-Doo was drawn in front of a live studio audience. Okay, that's my time, Doughty!

Starting point is 03:08:06 I couldn't have said it better myself. The Red Goat. The Ginger Giant. William Montgomery. Hooty! William Montgomery It's almost New Year's, yeah We are living the fucking American dream out here William And I think I would like to know I did come here with four guns in my fucking trunk tonight I'm staying at the La Quinta Inn right down the street if anybody wants to come James is coming Okay

Starting point is 03:08:53 You always go all out for all these big shows you were dressed up real nice last night There was an unbelievable outfit tonight an unbelievable outfit. Is that the New Year's baby? This, I am the New Year's baby, Tony. I am actually going to, last night I was talking about, look at all these people that don't like the New Year's baby. It's like, what am I supposed to fucking do up here? Boo! Boo!

Starting point is 03:09:27 It's like, what am I supposed to fucking do up here for some of these fucking people, Tony? Last night you were an Asian woman in a kimono and a hat as we see up there. You look beautiful looking at yourself right now. For Kiwanda. My sass was falling, but yeah Tony, it is so nice to be here. Looking forward to 2025.

Starting point is 03:09:47 It's, it's on this year. What are you looking forward to in 2025? Well, Tony, I'm actually quitting comedy. I'm kind of sick of it now and I'm going to start working on a train, a locomotive. I'm literally put in the paperwork a couple of days ago, Tony. Why, what? Yeah, I'm going to work the paperwork a couple of days ago, Tony. Why? What? Yeah, I'm going to work at a locomotive. I don't know. A lot of people don't know this kind of behind the scenes stuff.

Starting point is 03:10:11 Red Band has been really mean to me recently. I'm going to work on a fucking train, dude. I'm done with this. That means you're going to quit stand up comedy. Wait, Tony, I was just kidding. I never get it. Wow. He's never going to stop. You know what I want to do? I want you to stay up here. I want to bring up all the regulars and all the golden ticket winners if I can

Starting point is 03:10:36 that were on earlier. And I want to bring up one more person. One of the big reasons, another one of my great friends before I moved to Austin. One of the big reasons, another one of my great friends before I moved to Austin, one of the big reasons why I moved to Austin is because I already had friends here. Ron White, Joe Rogan had recently moved here. And one of my longest friends, long-term friends that I've had in Austin, huge comedy fan and one of the best musicians in the world.

Starting point is 03:11:02 Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to bring up Austin's own Gary Clark Jr. And let's get out of here with a fucking rock song. Let's all sing it together. We're still an hour 15 away from midnight. So I figure we'll do a fucking rock and roll song with the man himself, guest of Killtoni, the man.

Starting point is 03:11:30 Make some fucking noise for Martin Phillips, Liz Splatt, Uncle Laser, Aaron Belial, Casey Rocket, David Lucas, Cam Patterson, Brian Holtzman, Drew Nickens is here, Valerie Vaughn, Andrew Dice Clay, Sarah Sloan, Heidi is here, what a fucking crew. ["Oxford's Got a Big Mouth"] Austin makes some fucking noise! Yeah, come on, flat top, we come groovin' up slowly We got Jude, you have only one, holy roller We got head down, Jude and me Got to be a joker, he just do what he please, yeah

Starting point is 03:12:58 He wear no shoes shining out He got a cold and cold forehead Yeah, yeah I'm holding on to him Spinal cracker he say One and more than one Yes, great He got to be the lucky Cause he look just like me Come together

Starting point is 03:13:23 Ooh, over me Could come together Over me I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man I'm gonna be a man, I'm gonna be a man Come together, right now, over me

Starting point is 03:14:49 So, one more time Come together, right now, over me Last time, last time, last time Come together, right now Last stop, last stop, last stop Come with me Yeah, right now Make some fucking noise for the great and powerful Artislo! Get it started, baby!

Starting point is 03:15:19 Happy New Year everybody! Thank you Tony, appreciate you very much, homie Go on! And in normal tradition as we go on, we're going to show you the next arena that we're going to. Ghost for Sale. Here, roll that video. Anthony, we love you. Thank you. Love you guys! That's right, April 5th, the largest arena in Kiltoni history will be Nashville, Tennessee, baby! We'll see you guys there!

Starting point is 03:16:01 Gary Clark Jr. Joe DeRosa James McCann William Montgomery The drawings from Ryan J. Ebel and Chris Rogers are in. Let's see them. Did you guys have fun tonight? One more time for Gary Clark Jr. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy.

Starting point is 03:16:11 John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy.

Starting point is 03:16:19 John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. John Nees-Murphy. Did you guys have fun tonight? One more time for Gary Clark Jr. John Means Market's Cake. Unbelievable drugs from Chris Rodgers and Ryan Jay both. The next show's in Nashville. Goes on sale January 3rd, I think, at 9 a.m. Nashville, Austin time. You guys get a fucking party tonight?

Starting point is 03:17:16 Welcome to Austin, Texas. The greatest city in the world, in the greatest country on planet Earth. USA, USA. The greatest city in the world, in the greatest country on planet earth. USA, USA. We love you guys so much! Thank you! God bless Texas and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys so much. Thank you. God bless Texas and God bless the United States of America. We love you guys.

Starting point is 03:18:10 Thank you. Good night. I'm gonna be your man I'm gonna be your man I'm gonna be your man I'm gonna be your man I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better

Starting point is 03:19:00 I'm gonna be the one to make you feel better Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, I'm gonna be the one to lose I'm gonna be the one to lose I'm gonna be the one to lose I'm gonna be the one to lose I'm gonna be the one to lose I'm gonna be the one to lose I'm gonna be the one to lose I'm gonna be the one to lose I'm gonna be your man I'm gonna go get some food. You

KILL TONY - #706 - 2025 NYE

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