KILL TONY - #707 - JAMES MCCANN

Episode Date: February 18, 2025

James McCann, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 02/10/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony. Go to https://shopify.com/killtony to upgrade your selling today. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Tickets are on sale for all my upcoming stand-up dates. Detroit, Atlantic City, Niagara Falls, Mount Pleasant, Michigan, West Valley City, aka Salt Lake City, Utah,

Reno, Nevada, Anaheim, California, and Las Vegas, Nevada. Tickets are still now for my stand-up comedy featuring some of your favorite characters from the show, especially me. All tickets are at tonyhingeclip.com right now. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it.

I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. I'm not sure if I'm gonna make it. Hey, this is Ravit coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony!

Let's go! in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hicks! Let's go! ["Kill Tony Hicks"] Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Huh? ["Kill Tony Hicks"] Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Yippee. Yippee. Makes it nice for Bright and Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And indeed, one more time for the best damn band in the land, that's the Kill Tony Band, everybody. Brought to you by Vaya and Bluechew. That is indeed Groovline Horns, Fernando Castillo,

Raul Vallejo, and Carlos Sosa. Nachos Belgrande. That is Big Mike Michael Gonzalez on the drums. They came here all the way from the Gulf of America to be here. That fucking side of the stage. How exciting. Officially changed on Google just an hour ago, everyone. I'm here to proudly announce that that bay is now the Gulf of America.

That's Bant Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and D. Madness on the bass guitar. How about one more time for the real Marcus King that was just up here, huh? One of the best musicians in the world here in the live music capital of the world, the live comedy capital of the world. And we will be right back.

Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We bet you didn't know. Our new train's panoramic windows are ideal for contemplating whether texting them back so soon was the best decision. Get on board. Via Rail. Love the way. Get groceries delivered across the GTA from real Canadian Superstore with PC Express. Shop online for super prices and super savings. Try it today and get up to $75 in PC Optimum Points. Visit superstore.ca to get started. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? All right.

Sometimes there's three, sometimes there's two, a night like this, it's a one guest show. And the reason why is because this guy is truly one of the front runners already for 2025 guest of the year. He is one of the funniest human beings on planet Earth. His brand new debut one hour special is out right now. It's called Hey America. And you can find it on Matt and Shane's secret podcast show. and new. Debut, one hour special is out right now. It's called Hey America,

and you can find it on Matt and Shane's secret podcast YouTube. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for one of the funniest human beings in the world. James McCann, everyone. Here he is. James. Right here.

James McCann, everybody. Fresh up of being the guest in an arena on New Year's Eve here at the HEB Center. Are we gonna address that during the commercial break that was the most insane and rowdy back and forward? Why would we address that? Because it was during a commercial break, James. You could have said anything just now

and it would have been better than, can we ignore it? Let me tell you, it's worth coming to the show and not watching it online because there was a full, That is true. weird situation in the commercial break. It's a sold out show every week,

but yes, that's a good lesson. Found out you loved antiquing. Oh, that's true. You think you lesson. Found out you loved antiquing. Oh, that's true. You think you can just bury that you love antiquing and we're not all gonna wanna talk about it? We all love antiquing. When you're a millionaire, you're gonna be into antiquing too, James.

Oh. It's fun to buy old baller-ass shit in the middle of Texas. Let me tell you. You wouldn't know yet. Tiny with all the gay rumors floating around was quick to kibosh his love of Antique. I'm out.

I'm out. It's no longer a rumor. I'm out. You would be such a good Antiques Roadshow host as well. I want to. It's worth nothing. Get him out. Antique Roadshow with Tony Hinch.

Antique road show. That's it. He owns like eight thrones. All right, James. It's three. I won't keep going on. It's three thrones. Hey, America, out now on YouTube.

Yeah. New comedy special. Yeah. So that he can buy a fucking throne. You futon and a coffee table having son of a bitch. YouTube, new comedy special. Yeah. So that he can buy a fucking throne. You futon in a coffee table, having son of a bitch. This guy watches TV on a fucking Macbook.

We have the cheapest projector from Walmart so the children don't get addicted. It's a good policy. James is one of the greatest guests in the show's history. He is present. He is fucking hilarious. And he knows how it works. 200 people, literally 200 exactly people,

signed up for tonight's bucket. There are 200 motherfucking pieces of paper in here. I'm gonna let the shocked Asian girl in the front row pick first. That one right there. And I take the piece of paper, I pass it along, and they go and wrangle the person. Red Band smells the paper because he loves Asian women so much. He really does.

He already has one, but just like typical stuff, he's hungry for more Asians 20, 30 minutes later. Uh... That's what it's like. And so, while they wrangle that comedian, just to let you know, they get 60 seconds. You know the time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up,

then or else they bring out the anger of a solid wood bear. And then that interrupts them. I interview them and we talk to them about their life, what could possibly happen to them. We are here with one of the greatest guests in the show's history, the great and powerful James McCann, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, I hope we find a big, beautiful star tonight.

Can you feel it, ladies and gentlemen? Good news. Star power tonight. Good news is we have a star of the show to start tonight's show, and show you motherfuckers how it's done truly undeniably a lot of people say including myself that this is the greatest golden ticket winner in the history of the show and almost 100%

1000% kill ratio here to start tonight's show ladies and gentlemen I present you a brand new minute from the one and only Martin Phillips, everybody. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What's going on? I have big hands. People say they're piano hands, but I don't know how to play the piano, but my hand jobs are ridiculous. They say I only play in forte. You know, you should see the double crescendo. You know?

Okay. I had a card, and at the card store, it was in the sympathy section right next to that. Well, it said, Sympathy dash Jewish. I was like, oh, that's weird. So now, in a special way, you can tell your friends, I'm sorry you're Jewish. It's a lot, you know?

So it's, I grew up with cats, and I like that cats use the litter box. It's cool. It's like, hey, not only do you have to clean up my shit, but you gotta find it first, so good luck, asshole. Uh-huh. Yeah. Exactly one minute like the pro that he is.

This is Martin Phillips. How's it going, Martin? It's going. Fuck yeah. It's going good. You did it again. Thanks. Do you have cats?

No, I don't have stray cats. They got on my patio, but I do not own them. They hang out there. Why do you think the stray cats like your patio so much? I don't know. You know, after they get out there, I bought them a bed.

So now they got the cool thing out of the hookup. I'm the plug for the cat. I need that water. I need that tree to get out of fucking bed. Well, that's not them hanging out there. You're luring these cats. I know. I know, dude. It's actually a thing. They hang out there. I never see them. They run away.

It's like I actually own a cat in a way. You got a special cage for them just in case they want to relax in there? I never see them, they run away. It's like I actually own a cat, in a way. You got a special cage for them, just in case they wanna relax a bit? You put a bed out there, what else have you done? You put a little can of tuna out there? No, I don't want them to become dependent on me, so I just need water. Cats eat people after they die.

You think that they see you walking in and sense a meal coming soon? Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. They gotta find a way into a fucking apartment. So good luck, Mr. Cat, getting inside. Now, your opening joke was about your strength. Is that correct? The strength of your hand? Oh, I can't.

It's not how big my hand is. Oh. What do you think? I can feel it, I can grip. Well, the crazy thing is, is that in the green room of the mothership for the past couple weeks, we don't know exactly how it got there,

but there is a brand new grip strength. You would think it was Joe, but no, I was there when Joe saw it. He's like, what the fuck is that? Oh, shit. And then, yeah, he did play with it like it was his own toy. He was very excited, as excited as anyone to ever.

He's like, yes! To see a grip strength tester machine. And, uh, I don't know, what do you think? Should we give it a little test? See what kind of fucking... You can't... You can't handle this arm. This arm, it's gonna break the shit.

I love it. Retard strength on display. Here, with cerebral palsy, ladies and gentlemen, using his good hand. This is for science. Oh, he's squeezing it. Oh, my God. Oh, that looks... What does it say?

57.8. Oh, that's actually a lot. Is that... Okay. No, it's not. Yeah, I'll do the other one maybe. Yeah, try the other one. Give me another drum roll. Big Mike on the drums.

Whoa, whoa! Here we go. Let's find out what happens here. It still says 57. Oh, I don't know if that will clear it. Here, hit the start button. Okay, this is retarded string. Hit the start button.

What are you doing? Calculus over there? Hit the start button. Okay. This fucking guy's using it like it's a goddamn calculator. Okay, we can start over. It's like a Jewish guy on tax day over here. What do we got? Wait, I don't know what I... This fucking guy. Unbelievable.

Un-believable. I think I got it. I swear to God. I swear to God. All right. Here we go. All right, all right. It's go and it's go and it's go and it's go and... Okay. What do we got, Mark?

You only have to squeeze it once. It's 50.4. Wow. Unbelievable. Grip strength. James, are you gonna show us what you got over here? Well, I don't know, okay, but what I'm gonna say will sound very racist, but it's not. That was nothing. That was 96.

The important thing... Uh... No, I saw this on... I'm Mr. Abled, asshole. No, I saw this on... I'm an disabled asshole. No, no. It's tough. Look at that, 111. It's from Antiquing, you f*** it.

111 is very good. I read this on Twitter. This was a white nationalist talking point that I didn't like, but I saw it. And apparently white guys have the strongest grip strength and black guys on average have very low grip strength. I read this and apparently one of the theories was this is why people don't do handshakes. It's all slapping and fist bumping to not expose. But every black guy in the green room is crushing this. That's not true at all.

What do you mean you're black, Martin? I'm just saying I have to set a little grip to a black person. And you both do Crip Walk sometimes. Hey, hey, hey, hey, what is this, the halftime show? Look at this fucking guy. This is crazy. Yeah, yeah, hey, hey, what is this, the halftime show? Look at this fucking guy. This is crazy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool.

Martin, how has life been going for you? What else is going on? It's good. I've been traveling around a lot, doing shows, and whatnot, and pretty busy always. Always going somewhere. Yeah. Yep. and whatnot and pretty busy always. Always going somewhere. So, yep.

As you could tell by the sound of his voice, he's also now in charge of the health of the United States of America. It's working out. Guys who sound like this are doing well. That's true. That is true. That is the voice of a winner.

Martin, you got tonight's show started. You are a fucking legend. Everybody loves you. He's absolutely killing it. The one and only Martin Phillips. And now it begins to the Bucket We Go. We're gonna meet someone all together at once. And that's the show. You know, we find...

We found Martin out of the bucket. We found William out of the bucket. We found William out of the bucket. Oh my goodness. It's a lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Unbelievable. Such beauty that James just missed his mouth with his beer. It had nothing to do with Heidi cutting out.

Yes it did. You just poured a beer on your own chest, you creamazoid. Shut up, Tony. Shut up, it didn't happen. What a pervert you are. My God. I treat all women with dignity and respect. Let's move on, please.

Jesus Christ almighty. What's the name? With your spilling beer because his grip is so weak. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket full of the night. A brand new minute. We're going to meet them all together. Make some noise for Kojak Kareems, everybody. Kojak Kareems.

Here comes Kojak. Yeah, go birds. We got him, baby. We got him with the tush push. It's my favorite move. What's up? Hey, what's good? Yeah, go, birds! We got him, baby! We got him with the tush-push. Ha-ha. It's my favorite move.

What's up? Hey, what's good? I'm black and I'm gay. I know what you're thinking, man. Pick a struggle already, bro. Black or gay, come on. You're hogging the body of pressure for everybody. But imagine being me, right? Half the country's racist, half the country's homophobic. And here I am, right in the middle,

taking it from both sides. And I'm taking it good, too. I'm like the Gaza Strip. ["Gaza Strip"] My ass is being bombarded so much, you think, well, it's a hospital. ["Gaza Strip"] And all because I like Yemen. Yemen, Yemen, Yemen, hey.

You think that was controversial. My Haitian friend is calling for an all-out geese fire. Geese fire. Okay. Oh. All right. Thank you. That's my time. Wow. Kojak. Kareem's, everyone. Welcome. Black, gay, and bad at comedy I have written down here. It's incredible. You got everything against you. Kojak, you are very excited to promote the birds, the Philadelphia Eagles.

Are you from Philly? Go birds, that's right. Go birds, Philly. Oh, can we hear you? Are you from Philadelphia? I am. Wow, so you have a lot in common with... No. Oh, that's... There we go. That you from Philadelphia? I am. Wow, so you have a lot in common with... No. Oh, that's...

Oh, there we go. That's Celtics. I thought that was... Stealers' Nation, baby. There are no gay people in Pittsburgh. Or black people, actually. Come to think of it, there's not a big... But that was big for you, the Super Bowl? Oh, yeah. Great.

Okay. I only do the questions. All right, there you go, yeah. Great. Okay. I like how he do the questions. All right, there you go. Yeah. So, what's it like being from Philly and basically being Meek Mill without the rap skills? Heh, heh, heh, heh. It just means you're black and gay again.

I'm just reminding everybody that you're black and gay. You brought it up. Here we go. Do you get any good antiquing lately? Uh, ha-ha-ha. No, I might fly back to Philly for the parade, though. You're gonna go back for the parade? Yeah, maybe post up in the Target. Do you go f... I'd imagine you fly around...

Wait for the news. Oh, you go ahead. Go ahead. Must have something up your sleeve. One big punchline coming up. What is it? Go ahead. Do you fly a lot to different parades? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha- one big punch line coming up, what is it? Go ahead. Do you fly a lot to different parades? See, it's fun when the comedy's, anyway.

What do you do for work, Kojak? I'm a waiter. Oh yeah, what are you waiting at? A fancy steakhouse here in the city. Okay, very good, absolutely. How long you been doing that? Three years. Okay.

Must be a big steak. Tomahawk. What do you mean? Three years. Okay. Must be a big steak. Tomahawk. What do you mean? If you've been cooking that steak up for three years, it must be huge. What? It wasn't worse than geese fire? It wasn't worse than geese fire.

You are correct. You are correct. Kojak, you live here in Austin? I do. Right. And what else are you into, Kojak? What do you do for fun? I play Street Fighter VI with my boyfriend all day. OK.

Street Fighter. You have a boyfriend? Damn right. Three years. You know what's interesting? He's Puerto Rican. We have a lot of gay guys that get pulled out of this bucket. But very rarely do we have gay guys that are in a relationship. Most of you guys just stay single and butt fuck everything that moves.

It's so interesting. How long have you been with your boyfriend? Five years. Five years. What do you think the secret is to your wild success of having a long-term gay relationship? We play video games together. Oh, wow.

Yeah, you guys put the gay in games. Wow, so you guys just play video games and fuck. That's right. This sounds awesome, actually. Yeah, it's amazing. It's amazing. It's Red Band. Red Band is figuring out his new lifestyle.

Get a discount at the steak place also. I mean, this is the life. Come check me out. I'll take care of you. Hell yeah. He just, he exclusively eats. At the restaurant. At the restaurant.

Come to the restaurant! At the restaurant! Come to the restaurant, I'll take care of you. Okay. Alright. James? It's business and pleasure at that restaurant, by the sounds of things. Goodness me. You suck one dick on accident and they call you gay. Tell me about it. You did seem over eager to hear about how a gay relationship could work. Well, it is exciting. Like I said, there's never a gay relationship.

The lesbians manage to do it every single time. Lesbians are straight into a relationship. Gay guys, very, very rarely. Where would you meet them at? Back home in Philly. We're both from Philly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But where in Philly? What were you guys doing? Let's see here. Was it off a website or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Instagram, you saw me on Instagram. It hit me up. OK. And then what happened? You're like, hey, come to my place. I said, hey, come on over. I paid $50 to Uber him. Wow, you remember that.

You remember that part. Yeah, I only had $100 to my name. Wow. You're willing to spend half of your total net worth in order to have your ass filled with a dick. Correct. That is just unbelievable. I got to tell you, as much as we joke about me being gay, I simply cannot relate to that type of mentality. Half of your entire money, just to fucking,

it seems painful. Get the Hallmark channel on the phone, because I think that is a love story that they're ready to immortalize. Incredible. Half of your money. How did he get home? I spent the other half to get him home.

Oh my God. Oh my God. Five years we've been together. That's love,. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Five years we've been together. That's love, baby. Oh, my God. That's love. That's real love. Okay. Okay. And he doesn't drive.

I drive him to work back and forth every day. Oh, so you're the bottom? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. He's younger. He's Puerto Rican. Oh. Okay, yeah. Okay. Because you made the joke, he takes out the trash every night. I bet he does. Every night.

So you have a younger partner who doesn't drive, who you financially take care of. I'm just, if you make some very small changes, the Muslim world is going to embrace you. What is your ethnicity, Kojak, Kareems? Ancestry says that I am 70% black and 30% Scottish. Whoa. Wow. Look at that. Those are the numbers.

What do you think? Our senior Scottish correspondent, James McCann, is here. No, it's just to get those numbers, you'd have to have that happening repeatedly. It just seems like a weird combination that happened through the generation. Am I wrong? No.

50-50, you'd go, I understand that. 75-25, even then, it kind of checks out. 70-30 is, you gotta have, it's gotta have happened like four times in different ways back and forward, black and Scottish. He's mostly black. He's like Travis Scottish.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. All right, well, Kojak, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? Let's see here. I got kicked out of Bible college. Why? How does that happen every week? No, I can guess, I'm guessing. Yeah, no, we know why you got kicked out of Bible college. Why? How does that happen every week? No, I can guess. I'm guessing.

Yeah, no, we know why you got kicked out of Bible college. How exactly did they catch you? You drag your teeth? Alright. There's Red Band, everybody. Alright, alright, alright. All right, all right, all right. How did they catch you? I was the only black kid in all of the nine... Guilty.

Uh, unbelievable. Get him out of here. There he goes, everybody. Kojak Creams, everyone. Yeah. Here you go, buddy. Let's see if you catch like a... There it is. He's a black guy. Good evening. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. You know, therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in network

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Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. All right, your next bucket full goes by the name of Jenna Sparrow everybody or Jenna Sparrow perhaps here's Jenna everyone. Thanks so much for Jenna everybody. Hi everyone. Did everyone watch the Super Bowl? Yeah? It's like the Christmas of sports, right?

I think it is. Actually, we don't celebrate football at my house. Here's a joke that I wrote about my experience dating an NFL player. How can you tell the difference in between a girl that just fucks an NFL player versus a girl that actually dates an NFL player? It's where her bruises are located.

Yeah. Like, fun places are like, you know... That's how you know he loves you, right? Every time I hear a guy say that dating is hard, I'm like, trust me, it could be harder. Try wearing a turtleneck in July. Very difficult. Okay, no, I have this thing about me, like, if I love you, I'll put up with anything. It's called a Nicole Brown Simpson attachment style. Attachment style, that's the clinical term, I think. Thank you, thank you guys.

Jenna Sparrow. Hi Jenna. Tony, hey. How's it going? How are you? Good, how are you? I'm fantastic. Hi guys.

Hello. Hi. Hi. Welcome, welcome, James. You do an art podcast. Yeah, I do, I do an art podcast, an art history comedy podcast, welcome, James. You do an art podcast. Yeah, I do. I do an art podcast. An art history comedy podcast. Yeah, called The Bad Art Show. Yeah.

How do you know that, James? She said she would have me on and then she never got in contact ever again. Whoa! I'm working on it. Oh, my goodness. You're excited to do this podcast? I think I have interesting things to say about the post-war period. Yeah, tell us what's interesting.

Western civilization falls apart. Yeah. Man's inhumanity to man. No? Anyway, it's probably not good on a comedy podcast to talk about that. No, you know what I'm talking about? You go to a museum, you go to the art museum, and like you walk in and it's all great.

It's all like Greek stuff, wow. Medieval paintings of little naked children. That's really good. And then World War I happens and it's just fucking nothing. I think we know exactly what topic we're gonna cover with you. Yeah, you like anything post-war. I've got a whole plan.

No, I hate it. I'm saying it's bad. No, we're gonna have you on to talk about how much you hate it. I cannot wait to listen to this podcast. I'm going to get one of the deepest leaps that I've had in such a long time. I'm so excited to hear you guys talk about art on walls. Did you know that the bean was built in Chicago in 1974? that the bean was built in Chicago in 1974. Dup-dup-dup. All right. If that art is a couch though,

Tony will talk about it for years and a time. Yes, nothing better than listening to people talk about art. It's a comedy. Oh, okay, well, it's a shame your set wasn't. Oh. If it's as funny as your 60 seconds, oh boy, ram sleep is amongst us.

Jenna, how long you been doing stand-up? Almost four years. Almost four years. Where at? LA. I started in LA. Okay. Okay. What do you do for a living? Art podcast.

Art comedy podcast. Wow. That's what I do. You make a living doing that? I make decent money doing it, yeah. Wow. God. That is, anybody can do anything nowadays.

It is absolutely incredible. I love it. What do you do for fun, Jenna? Well I'm sober now, so not that much. What did you do? I come here and put myself in front of you for fun. This is fun. What did you do to, what did you do to where you needed to get sobriety?

How did you know that you had hit bottom? Ooh, slow burn. I think being an alcoholic at 15 was probably the first line. Holy shit. How long, what made you start at 15? I'm from Florida. I feel, maybe I should have done that material. You guys would have connected more with it. Do you remember what your first drink was?

Ooh. Mine was a Lynchburg lemonade made by Jack Daniels. It was pre-bottled alcohol. And my older brothers let me have one when we were frisbee golfing in Columbus, Ohio. I think I was 13 or 14, maybe 12. And yeah, I liked the way that it made me feel. Yeah.

Ha ha ha. We shouldn't all just celebrate our first drink, but I remember my first drink. It was great. It was a vodka cruiser. Do you have those here? No. What is that? It's like vodka and pink lemonade. It's a very girly drink.

Ooh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I don't know. Girly drinks are how the party starts. Red band, what was yours? A bowl of mashed potatoes? Old Milwaukee.

Old Milwaukee. Wow. In Chile. Oh, my God. I think I was vodka with, like, orange juice chaser, I think was what it was Yeah, it's the champions. Yeah What about on sobriety? Thanks. I would never do it. Yeah, but I think it's good Yeah, you know, how about towards the end you get in anything crazy. Do you do drugs or anything? Oh, yeah Well again, I'm from Florida. There's a lot of cocaine in Florida

Lots of it. I got a couple of DUIs over the years. There was some stuff that was not ideal. He loves it. D Madness loves a good DUI. They pull him over every time he tries to drive. 100%. You're swerving all over.

Do you have any old photos that you're trying to get taken down from the Internet or anything like that? No, I scrubbed it. I scrubbed it. What? Brian. Brian, why are you asking that question? Disgusting. It's just a bad person. Jenna, tell us more about your life. What else would we find interesting about you?

Well, you hate art, so I'm not sure you're gonna find anything about that interesting. Okay. What else should we find interesting about you? Well, you hate art, so I'm not sure you're going to find anything about that interesting. Okay. What else, other than the art podcast? What do I do other than the art podcast? I work out a lot. I like pit bulls. I'm a dog person. What do you like about pit bulls? They're like a, you know, I like pit bulls because they're like, I like men, just like a violent liability. Does that make sense?

I like a dog that's like dangerous, it's great. Yeah, well you picked the right one, James McCann. What is the overlap in the fine art world between that and, I think of that as a golden retriever provision. I think of pit bulls as more of like, Cadillacs bouncing up and down and... Yeah.

No, is that not right? That's pretty cool. Yeah, sure, but they're a good dog, you know? No. No, I think they kill children every year. Are they legal in Australia? No, they killed so many children. I think they're in big parts of the world.

You can't get that dog. But you like that it's dangerous. You have a weird sex thing for the dog. No, no, I have a girl, I have a girl dog to be clear. I have a girl dog. You can meet her. She's very nice. It's a pit bull? Yeah. Okay. And can it be around other dogs?

Not really, no. Right, yeah. Great. What a great animal to have. Something you can take outside and scare everybody to death with. I do have a cat and it's very good with the cat. So there's that. Has your cat been crawling up on Martin Phillips's porch at all, do we know about this?

Do you have a tracker on it? Your cat might be sleeping at a tremendously weak gripped man's porch. Anyway. Yeah, I don't know. Well, Jenna, uh, yeah, I don't know. I love it. Well, Jenna, congratulations. You made your Kill Tony debut. There she goes.

I'm gonna throw you a little joke book. Oh, it was so close. I don't know where it went. So close. Right in the... I think you were aiming for my tits. I mean, I mean, it's a small target, but yes. There she goes. Jenna Sparrow, everybody, making her kill Tony Tapio.

All right, back to the bucket we go. You guys having fun out there? Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Mike Poe. Mike Poe. Here he is, Mike Poe everybody. Make some noise for Mike, everyone.

So in addition to struggling to be a stand-up comic, I'm also a hack party DJ. But that's a lot easier than doing this, because being a DJ, all I'm really concerned about is touching buttons and looking concerned, holding my ear and pointing... Maybe to somebody in the audience you would hope were connecting with you. That's a lot more difficult to do as a stand-up comic, obviously.

So in addition to being a DJ, I also volunteer for the Unsheltered, and that's where I get most of the funny stories that I talk about, like the guy who stole my entire bag from me, who I had to track down on the street and explained to me that unfortunately, he's on drugs, but Jesus loves him, but 90% of him is on drugs and only 10% of him is actually taken care of by Jesus. I really, really thought that I was gonna come out here and have a little bit better of a story to tell you about these guys.

Sorry, I apologize for that. I really should have been on point here. Okay, wow. Holy shit. Oh, my God. You made Jenna Sparrow look like a fucking Richard Pryor up here. Good Lord Almighty.

Just talked about nothing, but you looked hip. You're like an old guy that seems hip. Thanks, man. No comedy. You're basically Mark Maron. It's incredible. You just kind of dress like you're younger. You look kind of cool,

and then the words coming out of your mouth are just boring and nothing and complainy, and I do this, I do this, I do that. But did you make that extremely scary noise happen halfway through the set? Because if you did do that, that would be very impressive. Oh, I wish, brother. I didn't do anything impressive.

There was something that happened. Hey, you look after the unhoused, which is not a word I would usually use, but- Wait, what are you talking about? He said he looked after the unhoused. What do you mean by that? He means bums. He means street bums.

Where I come from, I volunteer to help the unsheltered. Where do you come from? Little Rock, Arkansas. Little Rock, Arkansas. Okay, and you still live there? Absolutely. Well, I'm working on moving here part-time. Why do you want to move here?

Because I'd like to be better at this. Okay. We don't know if we can help you. It's a tough situation. Not everyone has the open... We lock the gate sometimes here. For sure. How long have you been attempting standup comedy?

I've done a couple dozen open mics in the past couple of years and I did a couple dozen about a decade ago. Wow, you look like you'd be funny. You have the glasses, you have a red beard. You're like James McCant. See what I did there? I would never, it was all right.

James McCant. I believe in you, but step off the look. Step off the what? Don't you bite my style, friend. How old are you? 52. Wow! 52.

You are a great 52. Thanks, man. No, he's not. I thought you were a really bad 40. You're being tricked by a jacket right now, James. The jacket is throwing you off. I do love this jacket. Mike, what do you do for a living?

I'm a DJ for real. A real DJ in Little Rock? An event DJ, yeah. An event DJ in Little Rock, and you do that for a living? Yeah, for 14 years now, nothing but. Wow. And MC, I think sponsors more than tell jokes. I'm just like a host.

Okay, what types of things are you hosting exactly? Lots of festivals, like in Arkansas, we have like a corn. Okay, what types of things are you hosting exactly? Lots of festivals, like in Arkansas, we have like a cornbread festival or we have like a beer festival. Can you give us an example of how you would host a cornbread festival, like some things that you said. Look out there and pretend like you're hosting the cornbread festival.

Go right ahead. Okay. Hey everybody, welcome to the 14th annual cornbread festival. I'd like to thank everybody for coming out here tonight. So there's a lot of people in the crowd, I can tell, are super excited about cornbread, and I'm one of them because I absolutely adore cornbread, whether it's with beans or if it's with peas or if it's just by itself.

I absolutely adore cornbread. I do not like corn, however. I'm not fond of corn whatsoever. But bread. Bread's where you got me. So cornbread is absolutely one of the most phenomenal things that you could be eating with your mouth right now. I think we found your calling, Mike. You are built for cornbread festivals. Thanks. They didn't give me the gig this year, though.

Really? Yeah. Wow. You know what? First time in 35 years, somebody didn't give me the gig this year though. Really? Yeah. Wow. You know what? First time in 35 years somebody didn't honor their confirmation. You stick with it? You keep working on that event hosting a DJ? And I believe that one day soon you could be at a, you know, second tier basketball game shooting at a T-shirt from a cannon?

I believe in you. Thanks man, I believe in you. Thanks, man, I would love that. Not for the comedy, but for the announcements at events. You smooth. You could host FM Breakfast Radio. I did that, yeah. You did do that?

I could, I did that, yeah. I'm trying to be uplifting here. You gotta help me out. You are, absolutely, dude. Nothing bothers me more than old people trying to be hip. You're 52. What else are you into? You have a vinyl record player, right?

Course. Yeah, I've been playing records since 1989. Yep, exactly. What else is hip about you? You have a fucking unicycle or something like that? What's your weird form of transportation? I can tell you have one, like an electric scooter or something.

So I have a news van that I'm selling when I get home because I need to pay for my police van to get repaired. Pedophile. Pedophile. I'm trading a van for a van. Was that another van? They're catching on to my van. I figure if I get a police van, no one will know.

Wow, that is master-level pedophilia. Holy shit. You called it right. I did have a weird vehicle. Yeah. Are you in love right now? Do you have a... Are you in a relationship or anything? No, sir. You've been single for a while? Yeah, nine years. You ever been married? No.

What's the longest relationship you've ever been in? Four years. Four years. Longest ever. 52. Why do you think that is? Uh, man. Just a lot of curve balls in life. It happens. What kind of curve balls? Can you explain some of the curve balls

that you've had in your life? All right. I'm just curious. You're in the interview for... I'm a federal witness. Okay. What does that mean? Yeah. Are you on witness protection? Mm, I'm not protected.

Okay. At all. Why are you on the biggest show? I'm not hiding either. I wouldn't tell you my name. Okay, that's all good. Can you just tell us the ballpark of what you're a federal witness about? This seems like a very compelling part of this interview. And I appreciate your open honesty. Sure. Um... very compelling part of this interview and I appreciate

your open honesty. Sure. People are gonna find this incredible. So I'm a survivor or a federal witness to homicide. My adult adopted autistic brother was murdered a decade ago. Adult autistic? Adult adopted. Like we adopted him as an adult because he didn't have a family. Adopted. And he was on the street. Adult autistic. Yep. And he was on the street. He would love this.

He would absolutely love it. He would love it. Most of our fan base is adopted autistic people. Adopted. Wow. How old was he when you guys adopted him? So, he was probably 30 years old or so. So 30 years old and your parents were like, come on in?

Yep, well my mom and my sisters, yeah he called them his mom and his sisters. Where did they find this guy at? He worked with me at the bar I managed, and one night he didn't show up, and I found out he was in jail. And I bailed him out and found him a place to live and got him on disability.

What was he in jail for at the time? He... In Arkansas, we don't have any renter's rights. He was evicted, and he didn't check his mail, so he got arrested for being evicted. Right. Like, forcibly removed. So so he got arrested for being evicted. Right. Like forcibly removed. So then he got murdered? Yeah he was he was murdered in 2014, December 7, 2014. Okay tell us about that. What happened there?

There was a the only suspect we'll say is a crack pusher and this suspect's name is Andre Demetrius Smalley Jr. You didn't have to say that part. You didn't have to call them out by name. What's happening in this show? You can't find me. But this killer, in my opinion, he was pushing crack on him at gunpoint,

and he wouldn't stop. He wouldn't leave him alone, and he just kept breaking in the door, stealing his phone and his keys, and extorting us until finally got a warrant. He got arrested, and then he bailed out and murdered him, so there would be no case. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

And did he not get in trouble for that? Well, not for a while, but then I became a federal witness after he shot two more people because they wouldn't go to court. not get in trouble for that? Well, not for a while, but then I became a federal witness after he shot two more people, because they wouldn't go to court. So I called every agency possible, and I landed on the ATF.

And this lady said, if I signed an affidavit, and I promised to go to court, that because I was involved in a previous crime of his in a federal court, I can get some justice by compelling the judge to hear my story about this person before he sentences him. This is a great anecdote, but you might be on the wrong podcast. I...

Yeah. I don't think so. There are quite a lot of true crime podcasts out there where this would be A-plus level. Oh, this is perfect. I love it on this podcast. I don't know how you get a laugh out of the crack pusher who murdered... I was just really hoping that the minute that I did before this was better. It wasn't. No, this is amazing. I had no idea I was getting caught. The minute you... It's okay. That's what happens.

But this is how it happens. This is part of the magic of the show, is the interview sometimes is better than the minute. If it was just about people's minutes, then I wouldn't even do this part of the magic of the show, is the interview sometimes is better than the minute. If it was just about people's minutes, then I wouldn't even do this part of the show. This is the fun part, is watching people go through the quick dilemma. Am I gonna answer this? How far am I gonna go?

For a second, you're a federal witness. We don't know anything. The next you're going, Andre Demetrius Johnson, the third, located at 452 fucking Jenkins Street. He really exploded there. Here he is, and here he is, ladies and gentlemen, the guy that...

This is the man that murdered his brother, everybody. This is Demetrius Andres Gallagher the Third, everybody. AKA D-Madness. He's out on bail. There you go. So this guy's in prison now for life? No, we just got him nine years for that. So he was just recently released, and I went to San Francisco, and then I came here.

Okay, hold on. Hold on. You're telling... When did he get out of prison? Last month. No, December 21st. Uh, okay. And this guy knows for a fact that you're the one that put him in prison, right? Oh, yeah. Yeah, he was in shackles when his wrists and ankles screamed my name

as the bailiffs pulled him out of the courtroom. Oh, my God. And he just got out in December. Yeah, absolutely. Do you know where he is? Do you know where he resides? Do you know where he resides? He lived in Little Rock before, right? His parole probation officer called me,

said I can't really have that information, but I kind of know a little bit. You might have a little bit of an idea. And is it around where you kind of live? I mean, it's probably better for me to not look for him too much. Well, I'm not saying you should look for him. I'm wondering if he is looking for you.

Yes. I mean, if I'm being real honest, I think the guy's probably been in prison for nine years. He's a six-time felon. Yeah. He's gonna create chaos wherever he goes. I don't think he's looking for me specifically, like on the streets looking for me. This is very optimistic.

But you see that I'm not in my city... Right....as well. Like, I don't want to run into him at a Kroger or at a stoplight or, you know, an NA meeting or, you know, wherever, you know... You go to NA meetings? No, I was just making some shit up. Okay. But I don't want to run into him anywhere, honestly.

Right. You know, like that's not somebody I want to see, so I just decided to move. You decided to move from Little Rock. Yeah. Right. And okay. Wow.

It's all so interesting. But you just called him out on a podcast that is aired out everywhere. Sure did, I called him out in court too. Yeah. But you just called him out on a podcast that is aired out everywhere. Sure did, I called him out in court too. Yeah. There you go. Well, we've got to get him on the show for a right answer of life. And here he is.

Mike, here's a little joke book. Just don't tell my mom. Okay, she might find out. I don't, it's all good. You're good, Mike. This is a very popular show. Do you know this is a very popular shot. Do you know this is a very popular shot?

There's no way he's watching. Well, but he might get told. I would love that. You would love that. Absolutely. Well, we all have to make our decisions and stand by them. We do. And it was a pleasure having met you.

Thanks, man. There he goes. Mike Po, everybody. On to the next one we go. There goes goes. Mike Po, everybody. On to the next one. Thanks, Tony. Thanks, Brian. There goes Mike. Thanks, everybody.

It's unbelievable, the people's stories that we get out of this show, out of this bucket. There he goes, everybody. There he goes. Anything can happen. That guy could be right in the alleyway right now. I mean, jeez Louise. It's Mike Poe just got shot everybody. He's dead now. We bet you didn't know.

Our new train's panoramic windows are ideal for contemplating whether texting them back so soon was the best decision. Get on board. Our new train's panoramic windows are ideal for contemplating whether texting them back so soon was the best decision. Get on board. Via Rail. Love the way. All right, ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian is a golden ticket winner on the show. She's only been on it a couple times here with a brand new minute. Make some noise for Aya, everybody.

Aya is here. ["Aya's Here"] ["Aya's Here"] My mom's Muslim, but she still likes to have a good time with me. So sometimes we'll go out for mocktails and she'll always order for us. She'll be like, hey waiter, two virgin mojitos, please.

And I always have to secretly find him and be like, hey, dude, leave the cum in my drink. Please. Please. And she hates that. She thinks I'm a slut. She thinks I'm a slut because I don't carry pepper spray. She thinks I'm making it too easy or something.

But I have a cousin. She's intersex. She was born with a penis inside her vagina. Now that's a fucking slut. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Oh. Ha ha ha. Ha Aya has done it again. One of the funniest jokes of the night so far.

Making fun of your own dear sister. No, cousin. Oh, cousin. Yeah. But she is like a sister to me, right? There you go. Or a brother, depending on... Yeah, she is like a sister to me.

Or a brother, depending on... Yeah, she is like a sister to me. Or a brother, depending on... Or a brother, depending on... Or a brother, depending on... Or a brother, depending on... Or a brother, depending on... Or a brother, depending on...

Or a brother, depending on... Or a brother, depending on... Or a brother, depending on... Or a brother, depending on... Or a brother, depending on... Or a brother, depending on... Or. Yeah, but she is like a sister to me, right? There you go. Or a brother, depending on... Yeah, she can do it all. Yeah.

So that really happened? Oh no, I made that up. Perfect, great premise, I love it. Yeah, but my cousin, she told me she was born with her vagina locked. Ah. So... Wow. she was born with her vagina, like locked. Ah. So. Wow.

There any safe crackers out there? So they had to like cut it open and stuff. Yeah, and there was a whole vaginal hole on the other end. Yes, there was. It was just kind of sealed off. Yeah, it was sealed like yogurt or something. That's gotta be, that's like a Muslim parent's dream though. Yeah, it is, it is, it was sealed, like yogurt or something. That's got to be a... That's like a Muslim parent's dream, though. Yeah, it is, it is. It is funny.

You don't have to go and get the village woman to come and do it for you. You just... Yeah, it is nice. Let your husband open it up for you. Hell, yeah. It's cute. Romantic. Absolutely. Get the party started.

It was so funny, I forgot that we heard a story about a federal witness, which I really thought would stay with me. That's actually pretty sad. That's scary. I don't want to talk about it anymore. Yep, yep. There wasn't a vagina locked up there, and it was a human being. Yeah, like imagine they put him in there. They put him in her... No, I'm sorry. But yeah, good to see you. Yeah, absolutely.

Aya, naturally funny, ridiculously likable. How's life going, Aya? Tell us about it. It's good. I just had a birthday party this past weekend. Oh, that's nice. It was so lit. Um, my mom... I was, like, making pizzas for my family, and my mom made okra pizza. It's so lit. My mom, I was like making pizzas for my family and my mom made okra pizza.

It was so cute. Okra pizza? Yeah, like it wasn't even on the menu. But she just made okra and she was like, I wanted all my pizza, put it on my pizza. I put it on her pizza and it was good. Wow, that is just an absolute Muslim party if I've ever heard it before.

Mm-hmm, yeah. Okra pizza. And then how else do you celebrate a birthday? You got, you Muslims, do you have like, instead of candles, do you have like, little World Trade Centers you put on the cake and you light on fire, something like that? Yeah, no, that's for my second birthday.

Hell yeah. I'm older now. I'm not, I'm not even, I don't even think I'm supposed to celebrate birthdays. My parents are bad, like, they're sneaky. They let me do a lot of things. They be like that. They be like that.

They're cool, they're chill. They're not. They're not at all. Very, very strict, tough, demanding. No, not like that. They're just like, they're just foreign. That's it. Like, I don't know, like they just text me spam messages. It's like, it's, I don't know. Like my mom texts me prayers all the time, like I'm God. Like, I don't know what to say to this. Yeah.

But it's, I love them and they love me a lot. Are they very religious? Yeah, but they're, but I think it's good for them. What do you mean by that exactly? It's like, it gives them peace of mind. Yeah. And that's... everyone wants that, so... And it stops them from doing terrorist attacks or something.

Yeah. They don't have that urge to pry... No. No, no, no. They're... I have, um... Like, my bloodline... Yes. Our blood is really nice and sweet. Okay. Other people come from different bloodlines. Like my bloodline, our blood is really nice and sweet.

Okay. Other people come from different bloodlines. Like who? We can name a race that comes from a different bloodline. Okay. No, no, it's not even a race. Right. I think it's just...

They have filthy blood and you have the pure blood of the... No, I just have sweet blood. Sweet blood? Sweet blood. Like mosquitoes like it. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. Red Band, you're a vampire. What do you think about all this?

No, she's saying she has a good family. Like I'm like, I'm interested in it. No, she's saying... And she likes to get choked and stuff. Oh, there you go. There's some of that. Yeah, I'm trying to be nice to them. Wait, do you come from a fancy bloodline?

No, no, no. I come from like regular people. Like I'm not like royal or anything. Are you Persian? No, no, I'm Moroccan. I'm African. Oh, well that's filthy evil blood. No, it's not.

I don't know. I'm just kidding. I'm just. Oh. Well, that's filthy evil blood. No, it's not. I don't know. I don't know. I'm just kidding. I'm just having fun. I can tell by people's eyes their bloodline. Like, Tony, you have very blue eyes. And that's not royal. That's like peasant. Yeah.

That's peasant eyes. Yeah. But I have black eyes, so I don't know, they're kind of scary. This is like word for word a conversation I had with an Indian cab driver once. That's- Really?

What's in my blood? Yeah. I don't know, I don't know, I'd have to check it, but- Look at James's eyes, tell him what he is. James's eyes are like regular. Like just, like, one of the people. So, wait, I'm just a fucking peasant over here? No, just your bloodline, your eyes. -♪

This doesn't make any sense. This is why nobody likes Muslim people. That is not true. My... Like, um... I don't know. Wait, does Donald Trump like Muslim people? Of is not true. Like, um, I don't know. Wait, does Donald Trump like Muslim people? Of course he does. Okay.

No, because Muslim people like Donald Trump. Yeah! He's like the first president who doesn't have like a dog in the White House. Muslims don't like dogs in the house. True.

He doesn't play games like that. Yeah, angels are back in the White House. That's right. What do you mean, wait, what do you mean by angels? So like if you're, like Muslims believe if you have a dog in the house then the angels get scared and leave. Wow. That is unbelievable.

I just learned so much about, uh, that's crazy. What a fake religion. I mean, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Who could look into the eyes of a sweet, beautiful dog and say, angels hate you? They're just scared. Catholics would never do that. We've done other stuff, but we would never make that. We would never make that particular mistake. I'm sorry. We need to go back and take over the Holy Land again

so that dogs can run wild and free through the streets. No, we want them on the streets. They're good on the streets. Yeah, that's where we want them. Street dogs. Street dogs, yeah, like the street hot dogs, but they're alive and they're walking. Yep.

And not for sale. That makes sense. All right, Aya, an unbelievable new minute. We fucking loved it. Yes, thank you guys so much. Aya... Good to see you guys. One of the young, rising legends of the show.

And now back to the Bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen, because your next bucket poll goes by the name of Gary Gia, everyone, or Gary Gia, perhaps. It's Gary, everyone. Just found out I have fucking peasant eyes. Yeah, so I just moved here from Alaska. Yeah, what the fuck is right, dude? I never understood why people would have sex with animals.

And then I moved 99 miles away from the closest hinge profile. Can't be checking out this salmon like, oh. So you're a Pisces, huh? Wait, you got how many kids? You got some... Kind of smell like my ex-girlfriend. Yeah, but I love my ex. I love my ex because we had chemistry, you know?

We knew what we liked. We loved rough sex. So I agreed when we're in the bedroom that our safe word is the N-word. No, because I won't even say that shit behind closed doors, man, you know? Like, fucking anything goes, baby. You know? Like, that's a terrible word. I obviously shouldn't even joke about it. Every time she said it, I just slapped her again.

Just... You know, I'm about to be 40, which is cool. This old lady, she's told me she, that I had a very nice skin complexion. And I was like, you want to know my secret? Omega threesomes. Wow. Holy shit, we have some real fucking

unbelievable bucket pulls here tonight. Gary, how's it going, Gary? Dude, if I had a tail, it would be wagging. I'm so happy to be here. You're happy still after that performance? Oh, God damn it. How long you been doing stand-up for, Gary? Well, funny you should ask, Tony.

I started maybe about like seven or eight years ago and then I bombed really bad, so I took a break. So I've been doing it for about two years altogether. You did it seven or eight years ago, and how long did you do it before that big bombing? About a year. About a year. About a year, and then you bombed so hard

that you took a few years off. What happened during that bombing? How bad could it have been compared to what the fuck we just saw? God damn it. That your tail would be wagging about. My tail would... No, I, uh, I mean,

like, I really picked up some steam. I was doing very good in stand-up comedy. Uh, and then I was just, like, at a fucking huge show with a bunch of fucking old people, and I was talking about having sex with, like, kids and stuff, which is still not funny. No, it can be. It can be funny.

It can be funny, but it wasn't done that well. Right. Okay, Gary. Are you gay? No, I get that a lot. No shit. Yeah, yeah. Fucking A.

Yeah. Dude, seriously, I started working this job and yesterday I came in with a girl and my coworkers were like, Oh my God, I thought he was gay. Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. I started working this job and yesterday I came in with a girl and like my coworkers were like, oh my god I think I thought he was gay Yeah, yeah, I can see that Fucking no. No, I'm I'm hella straight

God, am I this fucking gay? It's the boy. No D man is Stay on my side. I'm straight. You can like me. No D decided long ago. I saw I saw D gas Yeah, you're not looking at anything right now. It's okay. Making fun of a blind man. Good God. Yeah, Gary. Relax, Gary.

Dee Madness is pissed right now. He is homophobic as hell. So Gary, let's talk about it. What do you do for a living? I am a restaurateur, so I work at restaurants, but I do like high-end shit. I'm not like some fucking selling mozzarella sticks and chicken wings and shit, you know?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa, why you look over here when you say that shit? Cause I'm trying to figure the... Oh. All right, Gary, so you're a restaurateur. So do you own a restaurant? No, no. I am a server at a restaurant off of South First called Nomade, which does like Yucatecan

style food. It's quite fantastic. Like the video game? Sorry. No, what did you say? Tecans? So like the Yucatecan Peninsula by like Guatemala, people all my size.

But just like, yeah, it's a different style of Mexican food. OK. What do you do for fun, Gary? I'm into like backpacking nature and shit like that. I like to play high stakes poker on like LSD, on like very small amounts of fucking hallucinogens and then play very high stakes poker. Do you lose?

Nope. You're good at it? Yeah, I did. Fuck yeah, dude. I played the World Series of Poker on like four hits of acid. And how did that go for you? Not good.

Okay. But when you have done good, what's the best you've ever done at poker? Yeah, so the most I won in like one hand was $32,000. What's the most you've lost in one hand? $16,000, almost about half of that. Right. Overall in your Texas hold'em or poker playing life,

how far up or down do you think you are? I'm definitely over 100K. Up? Up, yeah, absolutely. That includes the buy-ins for these tournaments and everything. Yeah, no 100%. Are you sure or are you just tripping on LSD

and you think you're doing good? No, this is the highest I've ever been, but I'm sober, but yes, like you can like track your stats online, you could look my name up online. And I have like results like about like a year ago, two years ago, I took first place out of 643 people and I won 30, no, $28,000.

All right, Gary. Oh, fuck dude. Do you still live in Alaska? No, I moved here about three months ago. What made you wanna move here? Pretty much like stand up this show, you know what I mean? Like this is a fucking mecca of comedy.

This is great. Oh boy. We're fucking up big time. We are fucking up. This is not going how I fucking did on my vision board. This is not great here. Wow. You know?

I thought it was great. Oh my God. Can we spice this up? Can we spice this up? My vision board said it's gotta go better. Jesus Christ, Gary. Motherfuck. You make me look like fuckin'

Like someone tough. Somebody real tough and manly. Yeah, you make me look like Freddie Mercury. Alright. Uh, okay. Gary, tell us something interesting about your life. You have your entire life to reference here.

Something that's happened to you, something that maybe formed or, you know, like, uh, tell us how you ended up the way you are. Yes. Well, I was born this way, but I have so many fucking stories, right? I got stories out the fucking ass. Like, I've seen- I bet you have stories up your ass, too. Okay. Why don't you tell one, Gary,

instead of telling us that you have stories? That's like you telling us that you have jokes. No jokes. No jokes. All stories. We know. No, we know. So, yeah, let's see. I saw an alien one time with my mom. All right. All right, Gary. We're gonna keep this.

So, do you want to hear it or no? No? Okay. How fast can you tell it? I can tell it. I can tell it. So I was about 14 years old. I'll catch. I was about 14 years old, and it was about 2 in the morning, and I was just laying down watching TV, and all of a sudden I was paralyzed, and I saw this...

All right, that's it. There you go. Gary Gia, everybody. Gary Gia, we gotta keep it moving. Some of these people have fucking nothing to them whatsoever. You gotta love it. Gary, sign up again. Best of luck next time.

Jesus Christ. An alien story. Why don't you tell us about a dream you once had? Why don't you tell us about a dream you once had? ["The Dream"] Boy, you never know what you're gonna get down here. Make some noise for your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen. It's Matt Revis.

Matt Revis. ["The Dream"] Hey, my name's Matt. You guys ever met a Mexican Jewish person before? Yeah, I got a cousin, dude. He's Mexican and Jewish. His name's Kike. Spelled kike for some people. I don't know why. I love Keeks, man. Like, he's so Mexican,

he works for construction, but so Jewish, he only accepts payment, like, bonds and shit. He's a genius, man. He's an entrepreneur. He did all this while managing a coffee shop called Hebrews. like bonds and shit. He's a genius man. He's an entrepreneur. He did all this while managing a coffee shop called He Brews. But he sold Mexican and Jewish, dude.

He built tunnels for both sides. Imagine a narco with a gold gun and some pigtails. Jesus Christ. I love Keeks, man. Keeks is dope. Keeks is chill as fuck. You know, Jesus Christ. I love Keeks, man. Keeks is dope. Keeks is chill as fuck. You know, we're older now, you know?

He's an idiot. I try to ask him about his whole take on the Israel thing. You know what he said? He said, oh, yo, Israel, y'all in the back right now. He's looking for tortillas. Yeah, man. You know, man. I'm a simple man, you know?

I'm gonna end it there. I'm a simple man, you know. I'm gonna end it there, I'm done. Matt Revis, talking about his Mexican, Jewish, was a cousin or a friend, would you say? Just a cousin. Cousin, is it real? Nah, man, it's just a bit. Right, how long you been on standup?

About three years. Three years, where you from? Here from Austin. Born and raised? Yes, sir. Wow. What do you do for a living? Uh, I work at a smoke shop. Okay. Yeah, here in town, right down the street.

Okay. How long you been doing that for? Actually, I'm about to start tomorrow, man. I just... You haven't even started yet. Ha ha ha. Absolutely incredible. Did they know that you're going to start working there?

Yeah, yeah, actually, yeah. I talked to them today, smoked a blunt with them. They're like to start working there? Yeah, yeah, I actually, yeah, I talked to them today, smoked a blunt with them. They're like, you're hired. Yeah. I'm like, oh, really? Like, that's it? Amazing. When's the last time you had a job before? Tomorrow. Uh, like a...

Like a week, man. I got fired on my day off, like, two weeks ago. You got fired on your day off a couple weeks ago. Where was it? What was that job? It was a... What was that job? It was a, I was a server at this waffle shop. Okay. It's not Waffle House, guys.

Right. No, the Waffle House, you'd be the fucking CEO. It was just a random Austin waffle shop? Yeah, I don't want to shout them out. Right. You know, it's just, it's a spot. It's like a ran by a bunch of Mormons. They're cool people.

They're great people. Fired me though. Okay. What did they say they fired you for? I didn't show up for work one day. Okay. And then... That'll do it. You know how it is. You know how it is. No.

No, I do know how that is. Y'all never got fired on your... No, I've been fired from... Nobody's gotten fired? I've been fired that way from a lot of fast food restaurants in my time. I was at Subway. I was at McDonald's. I was at some ones you don't have over here.

Like what? Billy Baxter's Cafe. It was run by Chinese people, and they wanted me to be the face of it because they thought it was weird for Chinese people to have a cafe. And there were just, like, six old ladies who would sit in the middle and frown at me.

They owned it. They would just sit and frown at the fat white boy who can't be charismatic enough. Who's laughing now, Billy Baxter's Cafe? No, they went out of business. And that was in Australia? Sweet Adelaide, Australia. But I think, I believe in, I think you're a charismatic man and I think you can do better than a smoke shop. I think you're a charismatic man,

and I think you can do better than a smoke shop. I think you'll go further than that. Thank you, man. I appreciate that. Also, I find the smoke shop weird and disturbing. I don't like them. They're a little unsettling. They're fucking in vans all over the street peddling marijuana to young people.

Have you seen? I thought it was illegal in Texas, and they're standing on the street trying to get people high. That's a pusher. Next thing you know, they'll be murdering some guy's autistic brother. LAUGHTER I like the set. I had a... Appreciate you, man. You're welcome. You were the first act in a long time that I wasn't worried

was gonna die soon or was currently trippin'. That was me last time I was up here. You done? I'll take over. So you've done it before? What did we have you do last time you were on the show? I was actually trippin', man. I was literally trippin'. Oh, you crazy player. I know. Hey, you rightin'. Oh, you crazy player. I don't. Now.

Hey, you right, you right, you right. Do you have a girlfriend or anything? I did. What happened? I'm not talented enough. In the bedroom? How'd you know? Come on, now.

Takes one to know one. No, I'm terrible. Right there. Fucking get it, bro. This guy gets it. He gets it. Was it the Billy Baxter's in Arena Fair? No, it closed down. It was in the Adelaide Arcade.

Why? Have they still got one there? Well, we happen to read a Yelp review from Billy Baxter's Cafe. The food is consistently good. The breakfasts are terrific, but, oh, my goodness, the coffee is bad. Two stars. It's weak, gray, soapy, and unpalatable.

A double shot results in brown coffee, but bitter to the point of being undrinkable. Does the machine need a good clean-out? Does the staff need lessons in temperature control? A weird, chubby, redheaded man in a beard greeted us, which is strange because it seemed to be owned by Asian women who angrily stared at him from the front windows.

Two stars. After all the beautiful hosting work I was doing, you do it. You stitch me up. You have to admire how long it takes Red Band to type words properly. I said, Billy Baxter Cafe Yelp. I look over, he goes, there is nothing. And I look, and he typed in Billy Bass.

Literally, just B-A-S-S. So we had a whole thing here. It's really stuff. And then he spelled Baxter O-R at the end. There's a lot that goes on. It's really tough. And then he spelled Baxter-OR at the end. There's a lot that goes on. It is a thankless job hosting this constantly sinking ship. I was having great fun. I know. The band plays while the ship sinks.

It's the Titanic. All right, you fucking nerd. What are you? You're Mexican, right? Yeah, yeah. 100%. Uh, I'm 95. I'm a little Asian. Just a little Japanese. Little Japanese, look at that. Barely, barely, you see the eyes.

So you love all kinds of rice, is that correct? Dude, now, yeah. Okay, what are your parents like? Like, they're both Mexican like me, they're just like one dude from like 18-20. What does your dad do for work? He works for the city, actually. What does he do for the city?

He's like a HR representative for like the APD and stuff like that. Oh wow, that's incredible. How about your mom, what does she do? She works for the state. Wow, look at your governmented up family. I know, I know, it's crazy. Right, doing this.

What else do you do for fun, Matt? Smoke weed. It seems like a thing, how old are you? 24. 24, that makes sense. How old are you? Uh, 24. 24? That makes sense. About to turn 25 in a few months. Well, yep, that's how age works. I know.

You'll never believe what happens after that. Oh. Another birthday about a year later. Fuck. Yep, just a few months. All right, well, nothing else crazy about you, Matt? I'm getting a feeling that I'm close to finding something out, but I'm not asking.

You ever been arrested? Me? Nah, I haven't. Me? You don't get that very often here. Wait, who, me? Suspicious answer. Yeah, you're the one being interviewed. No, no, I would never get arrested.

Why would Matt get arrested? What? No, I would never get arrested. Did you talk about yourself in the third person? I did. I did. That might have been what was missing. Do you often talk about yourself in the third person? When I feel uncomfortable, yes.

When he feels uncomfortable. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. All right, Matt, there's nothing else crazy we should know about you before I get you out of here? Nothing much, man.

I'm just doing comedy, trying to stick with it, working. You're not working. Tomorrow. Start tomorrow. Starting tomorrow. At a smoke shop. Yes. Which is literally fucking nothing.

No, they sell weed and stuff. It's nice, but it's a little classy, established. It's on Fifth Street, classy, you know. There are no classy smoke shops. Yeah. It's always a little woman who looks like she's emaciated and she's gonna fall down. Or it's a woman that looks like James.

That's true. You go to the East side, these chicks get hairy. It's what marijuana can do to you. I want you to turn your life around. Who knows what you could achieve if you put that down? I can't imagine, look at me. What do you like to do after you get super duper high? What are some things that you do?

Big munchie guy. Big munchies, love eating munchies, make stupid ass sandwiches. Like what? What's a stupid sandwich? I made a, I like to get spam. You know, custom spam up. Put a sliver, a Kraft single on there.

Toast some bread, wheat bread, preferably, better for the digestive system, you know. Not really, but go ahead. Literally not. And then I like to put some honey mustard, maybe some Dijon mustard on there, you know. Maybe a little mayo, just a little. You said that was a crazy sandwich.

That was the most sane sandwich I've ever heard described. Well, we don't eat that on a regular basis here. You know, Austra- Where are you from again? I'm sorry. Yeah. I don't know. A Spam sandwich is a delicacy in Australia.

All right, Matt, here's a little joke book. Not a lot of catches tonight. He did it. Hi. Hi and bye, Matt Rivas. All right, it's an interesting, I've given out no big joke books tonight. A fun fact, zero big joke books.

Only the golden ticket winners have pulled their weight tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket poll. It's Shiva Ari. Shiva Ari. [♪ music playing, applause and cheering from audience. Howdy. A little bit about myself. Watch a lot of porn. You guys watch porn? Yes? Good, good, good.

I mean, I'm not watching so much porn that, like, I'm commenting on the videos. Yeah. But I'm reading the comments. That's kind of where I'm at. You know what the one thing I do like about porn, the one thing I do like about porn? Nobody, and I mean nobody, is ever like, the book is better.

I do like that about porn. Nobody's like, Ass Blasters 3 was better in the magazine, right? Like, that's... I like doing a lot of porn jokes, mainly because I'm a millennial. You know what I'm saying? Like, we're not... we're not sensitive about sex, but we're sensitive about other things, right? Like, if you want to describe millennials,

we're kind of like the generation of, like, eating ass and peanut allergies. That's... That's us. What you gotta hope? Hopefully those two rows don't cross, right? All right?

Whoo! That's like Tony having to go to the hospital because Red Band ate a peanut butter sandwich, you know? I'm only having to go to the hospital because Red Band ate a peanut butter sandwich, you know? All right, I'm gonna stop you right there, Shiva. Shiva, welcome. You've been on this show before? Yeah, twice, twice.

Okay. Yes, sir. Absolutely welcome. That was something. How long have you been on standup? 10 years coming up right now. Good God almighty, this is a wild night tonight. Yeah. What do you do for work?

Pretty much this man, yeah. You make a living doing this? It's not a living, but... How do you survive? I'm alive. How do you survive? How do you pay your rent? How do you get food?

What is rent? Okay, so tell us about that. I don't really pay rent. How do you pay your rent? How do you get food? What is rent? Okay, so tell us about that. I don't really pay rent. How do you not pay rent? Parent house, girlfriends. You stay at the parents' house still? No, no, no, no. I'm here now. Yeah, I live here now.

You are here now? Yes, sir. You are here. Like at the mothership, yes, sir. How do you not pay rent while being here? I... Fuck, you got me. Uh... I do pay rent now.

Okay. But that just happened, like, two months... I just moved here, like, two months ago, so, yeah. Okay. Yeah. So how much are you generating from your stand-up comedy? How much money do you make in a ballpark a week? I mean, uh, probably, like like five, six hundred a month. Where? How do you do that? Oh wait, did you say a month? Yeah.

Okay, so hold on. How much rent are you paying a month for the last two months? Eight hundred a month. So, I don't know if anybody's ahead of me on this. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, you're nailed it. Right. So how do you make money to pay your rent? I've done enough shows. I mean, before I moved into the place, I saved a bunch of money.

How much exactly did you save? This is turning into a financial partnership. I know, yeah, holy fuck. How much did you save exactly? People are gonna find this unbelievably fascinating. There's a lot of people out there wondering, hey, should I start? How much should I save?

I live at my parents' house. What should I do? Tell us. Well, I definitely advise not to do stand-up comedy. Yeah. Well, I bet you would want nobody else to start stand-up comedy. Yes.

I bet that would help your market share. Then I get to pay rent. Yeah. Okay, how much did you save? Like 2,000. 2,000 dollars. Absolutely.000. $2,000? Absolutely. Yes.

D-Madness cracking up. D-Madness literally verbally laughing out loud. The guy's blind and is like, don't do stand-up comedy. Yes, 100%. Okay, you stated the very obvious there. Yeah. How much, wait, no, I'm curious.

How much money do you make doing stand-up comedy? Tell me. Okay. All right. Is it $3,000 a month? Okay. No? Okay. What do you mean? Yes. It's only $3,000 a month?

Yes. Oh, my God. How much is your rent? Okay. Yes, it's... Somehow it's... All right. I don't have rent anymore, Shiva. I don't have...

Oh, I forgot. Yeah, you own. I understand that. Okay. But I do have payments that I have to make. D-Madness is literally losing his mind. Uh, so... Actually, you've lost a lot of weight. Shiva, over here.

Sorry, sorry, sir. Stick with me. Sorry. Uh, so, um, how do you survive? Tell the truth. That, no, that's honestly it. Like, I... What do you eat?

I mooch off of... What did you eat today? I had a fucking orange and a bunch of grapes, actually. I just drove from Dallas. I was doing a show there, drove here. All that you ate today was an orange and a bunch of grapes. Yeah.

That's it. Are you sure? I woke up at like 3 p.m. Why did you wake up at 3? Because I'm a comic. That's not, but what do you mean? Because what did you do last night? I did a show.

Get it, get it, get it. Okay, very good. I did a show in Dallas. All right, yes, but then what would happen to where you wouldn't wake up until 3 p.m. after the show would be the question. Yes, sir. Before I asked you what you did last night, you said you woke up at 3 p.m.

I said, why did you wake up at 3 p.m.? So what happened last night? Other than your stand-up set, unless you listened to it afterwards. This feels like the end of Legally Blonde. I don't know what happened in Legally Blonde. You're like, you're trying to nail him for something. Okay, I don't...

Yes, I'm trying to do an interview. I'm not good at this. I'm not doing this. Where were you last night at 2 a.m.? I was at the Capitol, dude. I fucking, yeah, no. I just drove here. I got super drunk last night after the show. Shiva Ari, ladies and gentlemen.

There goes Shiva Ari. We are in a dry spell right now. We might have to go fuckin' turbo mode here. Ladies and gentlemen, your next minute tonight, remind you, I have the thickest stack of big joke books I think I've had in the mothership era. Not a single one has been given out. And I have one little joke book left.

This is unprecedented, ladies and gentlemen. Which is crazy, because last week it was all, except for the first one, all unbelievable. Four secret show editions last week, an all-star lineup. The Momentum Runneth Dryeth. Let's see if it starts here, with the stylings of Anthony Ruan, everybody. Anthony Ruan.

Let's see what happens here. Here's Anthony, everybody. Anthony Ruan. Let's see what happens here. Here's Anthony, everyone. I started dating this new girl. I'll be honest with everyone here, I really like her. She's just into things that I have no experience in, like role play. She keeps trying to get me to wear these magnums. I'm a terrible communicator. I don't know how to let her know, like,

that's not how that works. No matter how dark this face paint is. Chill out. You guys are going to feel much better when I tell you I ran that joke by that black gentleman right there. He told me he hated it. So, it's much better than my last relationship. My last girlfriend, she broke up with me

after we found out the apartment was haunted. I'll admit, it's scary stuff getting in a huge argument when you know you're too afraid to go sleep on the couch. There was one time where in the middle of this big fight, I was like, you know what? The lights started to flicker. I was like, you're right. That's it.

All right. Anthony Ruan, have you been on this show before? I have not, Tony. Well, welcome, welcome. How long you been doing standup? I've been doing standup for a year and a half. Okay, where at? Phoenix, Arizona. And that's where you still live? No, I moved to Austin three weeks ago. Okay, and how is that working out for you? How's Austin treating you? Not as good as I thought it would be. Tell us why. Lots of mics,

no state like show time. I was doing like, I would do like shows in Arizona. So I'm just trying to get back in. Right. Here you are. Here I am. You're on a show right now. Thank you guys.

There you go. Absolutely. What do you do for a living? I'm a cake decorator. Okay, there you go. Absolutely. That's amazing. How long have you been decorating cakes for?

For about a year and a half, about as long as I've been doing stand-up. Amazing, and you decided to both start stand-up comedy and decorating cakes at the same time. What were you doing before that? I was driving semi-trucks. I was driving semi-trucks. James.

Sorry, how do you go from... You seem pretty young to have had a midlife crisis and said, I'm going into cake decoration. I'm so happy you have an interesting job that we can talk about in the show. What cakes do you like to decorate? Wedding cakes, kids' birthday cakes? Do you do it at H-E-B or a fancy place? I'm fascinated. Tell us all about the cake decorating.

I am so interested. It's, uh, Walmart. You got to start somewhere. Wow. How does this start? How does one even get into cake decorating? Uh, it's the highest, what's one of the highest paid positions at Walmart.

So you went to a Walmart, you're like, what kind of jobs are available? You looked at the pay and you're like, I'll just take on cake decorating. It's exactly that. Wow, incredible. Were you driving trucks for Walmart before that? No, I was driving for a beer company.

Okay, what made you wanna stop driving and start cake decorating? A DUI. Ah, yes, that'll do it. Many of your favorite cake decorators were once... truck drivers. Wow. Amazing, amazing. Where were you when you got the DUI? Were you getting high on your own supply

out of the back of the truck? No, I was driving home from a new faces comedy show at the 10 p.m. improv. And I got pulled over while I was eating McDonald's. Is that a crime? If that's a crime, I mean big shit. If that's a crime, then Red Band's Jack the Ripper. Uh...

Okay. I got pulled over when I saw the lights. I panicked, and I dropped the McDonald's all over myself. Oh, yeah. And then my thought process was like, if the cop sees this McDonald's all over me in my car, he's gonna, like, assume I'm drunk. And you were a little drunk, right?

Yeah, I hid... I hid the McDonald's in my pockets. Oh, I love this. Now we're fucking talking. Finally, a moment of an interview where somebody admits fucking something. Yeah. Other than them being a federal witness

against Demetrius Andres Jenkins III. Not this guy. Uh-uh. Not you. Not you. So you're shoving, like, what? What are we talking about? Fries, burgers? Are there sauces in your pockets? Like, what do you remember? McDoubles.

Whoa! Oh, my God. So is this is while you're pulling over or as he's approaching? No, I had them all in the pockets by the time I was pulled over. He didn't find them until he searched me. Whoo!

Oh, my God. Oh... my God. Wow. This is incredible. So, you're driving, you're eating McDonald's, you got McDoubles, no fries, you went straight to McDonald's. Oh yeah, if you use the app you get a free uh...

I did not know this. Redban, Redban actually created the app. Not a lot of people know that. Uh, okay. So... So you see the lights, you're eating McDoubles, straight up. Did you get to eat some of the McDoubles at least? Yeah, I was like halfway through that first one.

Right, and then you took the second one out of the bag, in its wrapper, and put it in your pocket? I kind of had them, like, all laid out. How many, how many, how many McDoubles did you get? When you say all. I had, I had three, I had three McDoubles. That is six hamburgers in between three sets of buns, ladies and gentlemen.

That is true. That is a Mc, that's a McSepple. I want you to answer this question truthfully. Are you the Hamburglar? Honestly, that guy's legit as fuck. So I would take the Hamburglar for sure. A true gangster. So you take a burger, no, you take two and a half burgers and you shove them in your pockets. And then the cop comes up and what's the first moment

in which you realize that you might get in trouble?. And then the cop comes up and what's the first moment in which you realize that you might get in trouble? Does he say that he smells alcohol? Yeah, he was like, you been drinking? And you're like, no? Yeah. Right? But what had you drank that night? Let's go through it here.

Lots of tequila shots. Oh yeah. I was celebrating a good set at Tempe Improv. So I- That'll do it. In Tempe. You weren So I... That'll do it. In Tempe, Tempe. You are loving it. Right. Tempe uses unmarked cars, correct?

Was it an unmarked police car? No, it was marked. Okay. It was Chandler Police Department. Oh, yeah. Top. Did you have to go to Maricopa County Court? No, I went to Chandler Courts.

That's right. They gave me like mandatory minimums, like two days in jail, house arrest. Did they make double your fine? Fuck yeah, dude! All right. It was a pretty big fine. What did he say when he was feeling,

when he's patting you down and he goes, there's a little, little something here. What's it like? Is there anything, do you have anything in your pockets that could hurt me or give me heart disease? Yeah. Yeah. It won't pick or poke you, but it'll give you cholesterol. There you go, yep.

Yeah, and his exact words when he pulled them out is he had them in his hands and he said, why are there burgers in your pockets? Yeah. Yeah. People ask Red Band that every day. Yeah. And then what did you say?

I said exact words. I said, I don't know. Take me to jail. Brilliant. At least you knew, because I was going to say, you must have skipped the tests and everything after that, right? You admitted to being drunk? Yeah, I did. There was no hiding it.

That makes sense. Wow. So from a high to a low, did you have to spend the night there? No, actually, they put me in the cell, they closed the door, and then they opened it, and they let me go. And I was actually like less than a mile away from my house when I got out of the police department I could see my apartment complex.

Amazing. Perfect. Do you talk about this on stage by the way? That's way better than anything you said on your minute. Yeah, I do. I have a bit that's pretty much just exactly what I said right now. It usually works.

Yeah, now that makes sense. Wow. So what's the craziest thing that's ever happened to you as a cake decorator? Weirdest cake you ever made? There's not really weird cakes. I've had people say they don't like them. Ah. Yeah.

What did they not like? Your decoration part or the flavor? Uh, honestly, I think they like it until they see me. And then they, like, notice that I'm the one that made the cake. Has there ever been a time where you felt like, um, you know, someone was gonna rob you at the cake store and you started shoving cake in your pockets. Have you ever gone back to that?

Have you ever put more food in your pockets before or since then? No, that was the first and only time. Were you stoned? Were you high? Did you smoke some weed that night? No, I was just... That was my honest... Just a night in Tempe, a wild night in Tempe, a hot night, lots of tequila,

and you're shoving burgers in your, I can't imagine being that kind of drunk to where I'd be like, fuck, I gotta get rid of these fucking burgers. If he sees these burgers, he's gonna know I'm drunk. Like, I would eat the burger, and I would like try to fucking get a pickle. Yeah, put some like, pickles on my neck,

so I don't smell alcohol. Exactly, yeah, I'd rub the burger,, put some like pickles on my neck. Yeah. Smell alcohol. Exactly. Yeah, I'd rub the burger. I'd put it everywhere but my pockets. That's like the exact opposite of what I thought. Yeah. Did it feel good?

Yeah. Would you ever do it again for leisure? Yes, in a heartbeat. In a heartbeat I would. I've often thought about putting a McGriddle down the front of the trouser. Yeah. Would you ever do it again for leisure? Yes, in a heartbeat. In a heartbeat I would. I've often thought about putting a McGriddle down the front of the trouser. Yeah. If it was two hours later, it would be a different story.

Oh yeah, you were foiled by time. You couldn't have hotcakes in the pants. I couldn't. Anthony, congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket here. You could put that in your pocket. That's a little joke book. The last remaining little joke book. Thank you, guys. I'm gonna have to start giving out cigarette butts.

Smoke cigarettes. If this trend of okay bucket pools continues. This sounds like a name that I would make up, ladies and gentlemen, because I think it's one of the funniest last names in all of comedy, but it appears as though this is this guy's real name. Make some noise for David Jenkins, everybody. I do believe I use that word all the time.

David Jenkins. Hi, everybody. So, I was grocery shopping the other day and my unemployed friend wanted to come along, as they do, and he just is one of those political types that can't stop talking about how bad Trump is. But I let him go on, tell the whole spiel, and his big thing was he was against borders he said borders don't work borders don't work I was like all right you do you but we get to the checkout line and on that little conveyor belt he puts that little divider so I'm just a little confused do borders work or do borders not work it really didn't look good because I was buying for taco night.

Do you think an autistic girl has ever paid for fake tits to avoid eye contact? That's my time, thank you. Okay, David Jenkins, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, correct? It is. Welcome, welcome. That was okay.

How long have you been doing stand-up? I've done it like five times. Five times. You live here in Austin? I do. Born and raised? No. Where are you from?

Tampa. Okay, what made you want to move here? Um, I've got a long history here related with my girlfriend. She lived here for several years up until 2020 and I visited in March of 2020 right when the lockdowns happened and then in June and then I had a one-way ticket for the first time here and we drove back together to Tampa where she came back with me Okay, and then we moved out here you guys are together. Yep. Amazing. What does she do? She does door dash. What do you do? Accounting Wow, you're a real accountant. I am and that's my real last name

Jenkins is your real last I know I thought about making a fake Jenkins name because I know you love to use it I love it. No, I think Jenkins is the funniest last name Perfect. Absolutely incredible. Well, that's your real name. So you come from a long line of Jenkins I'm actually the third you are David Jenkins. I heard you. What is David Jenkins senior do he's dead What about your dad? He's retired now, but he did he was a mechanic for airplanes. Okay. All right Okay, so you've done it five times. You're an accountant. What made you want to start stand-up? I Just love it. I've been listening to it for so long like I remember in Fifth grade. I don't remember which album it was for Brian Regan

but just listening to that again and again and cracking up every time, putting it on the radio for my dad. And I've just been obsessed with it ever since. He's the man. He makes everybody do a shot before they go on stage, before his shows. Oh, I didn't know that. Little fun fact, he seems like he'd be like clean and sober,

but he knows how to fucking party hard. I know he looks like Santa now I didn't know that all right Tell us the most interesting thing about your entire life David before I get you out of here We're gonna fly through I've got the same tooth knocked out three times, okay? All right, yeah, so they keep putting and when you say you got it knocked out. Is it people knocking it out? One time but not on purpose. It was never on purpose. You were just horse playing around?

Yeah, the first time I was running up a wet slide, fell, hit it, boom. Second time I hit a kid on the forehead while playing basketball, and the third time I got hit in the face with a baseball. So two to three times sports, kind of surprising. Wow, James, what do you think about this? I love that you've had the confidence to wear a beanie

that makes your head look like the tip of a penis. Absolutely true. I think that's good. Right there. Thank you. You're welcome. What made you pick Flesh-Colored? Um, it's my girlfriend had it, and I didn't want to buy a new one, and it's really warm.

I mean, it's cold out had it and I didn't want to buy a new one and it's really warm. I mean, it's cold out tonight. Okay. Yeah. And you've coupled that with the I have grandchildren sweater? Yeah, you can't scare me. I have grandchildren. Where do you get something like that? A lot of hip dudes on tonight's show.

Where do you get a shirt like that? I thrifted it on Deepop. I don't know if you've heard of that. It's like an online thrift. Oh, I know all about it. I go. I don't know if you've heard of that. It's like an online thrift. Oh, I know all about it. I go all the way to Round Top, just to antique sometimes. I don't believe in Depop.

I think that's the weak way to do it. I go to the big, weird Goodwill with all the troughs and the angry Hispanics fighting you for the stuff. That's what I do. Do you know what I'm talking about? Yeah, I know all about it. And they're extra angry for me. When I walk in there, I go,

you're all lucky to even be here. Get out of my bin. Nope. I thought the joke at the end was good. Thank you. I just wanted to be supportive, and it was. Thank you. Thank you. You're welcome. No, I got more laughs than I thought I would, to be honest.

You got more laughs than I thought it would, to be honest. You got more laughs than I thought I would, too. It's because the audience has only heard comedy for a total of two minutes tonight. It was Aya and Martin Phillips. Here's a little joke book. There you go. I've been given more little joke books, by the way. I've been handed little joke books. The great Bones Eye is somewhere skinning a cow right now,

live, for us to be able to have more little jokebooks. I have decided to pre-pull names, ladies and gentlemen. We are going into turbo bucket pull mode. When you hear those noises, that means that since there have been no big jokebooks given out tonight, that I will be pulling and we will be watching people do minute sets until somebody truly kills Tony tonight.

This is the ninth bucket pull of the night. It could end right now. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Wes Bullins, everybody. Wes Bullins. Am I the only one that always gets jump scared by Valentine's Day? It's the same day every year, guys. It's a day to just be sad as fuck, you know? Think about all the past trauma from your last relationships.

Valentine's Day is like my day of Holocaust Remembrance Day because every relationship I've been in has just been completely over-exaggerated, if not just made up. Joking around, guys, I'm not Elon Musk for just having some laughs, having some drinks. At least I see you guys drinking here. I actually went sober. That was my New Year's resolution to go sober.

It's a good thing, right? Yeah, it's a good thing. No, no, that shit sucks. It's just you and everything you hate about yourself trapped together all weekend long. You start looking forward to Monday? That's rough, man. I challenge you guys, go to a dive bar sober

and actually see what it's like. It's traumatizing. It's like Valentine's Day and the Holocaust every single weekend. Thanks, guys. It's my time. And you know what that sound means. Little joke book for Wes. No interview. He's gone.

Wes Bullins, we are in turbo mode. When you hear that slot arpeggio, arpeggio? Arpeggio? Arpeggio? That sweet slot chime. We're going until someone kills. Who's with me? Your next bucket pool.

Ladies and gentlemen, one minute for Matthew Jordan. How you doing? Welcome, welcome. So I've been going to the gym lately, dropped 40 pounds already. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Got addicted to Zumba all the time. Going in there, first time ever in there, they looked at me like, this gringo is going to be out after three songs. But I'm there, I just want a taste, just want a little bit of taste of that. You just can't stop with that. So going to buy the third song, oh I feel like I might have a heart attack.

I don't know if I'm having a heart attack or not. I'm going into Zuma, going, going, going. But then the fourth song, way to the fourth song, because if you do make it past the third song, the fourth song, you just start feeling the music the music the music starts going you don't even know what you're doing anymore you're moving back and forth back and forth back and forth you're clapping you're in a rush to get to the front of the stage you want your spot because once you get to that spot you're up there and you're dancing next to you know you get a target on your back that's Betty back there she's coming up she wants that spot no shit I was here an hour early

Put my water bottle down in that spot right there. It's mine Who knows about all that you fight for your spot in zoom, but I'm telling you one thing. Holy fucking shit There's a little joke book Mix amongst for Matthew Jordan, ladies and gentlemen your tenth bucket full of the night. This is Unbelievable. We are quickly approaching the record which I do believe is 16 10th Bucket Pool of the night. This is unbelievable. We are quickly approaching the record, which I do believe is 16. The 16th Bucket Pool that night,

a fun fact, cause I remember, cause I'm a big fan of this show, was Aaron Belial, who would go on to win a golden ticket. He would go on to America's Got Talent. And he's a ticket selling star today, so anything can happen. This is Bucket Pool number 11. We have one little joke book left again. Make some noise for Ian Sharp. Number 11, everybody, Ian Sharp. Hey, thank you guys. So the other day, I was walking around town,

and believe it or not, I saw a real-life Nazi just standing there, broad daylight, full uniform, table full of propaganda. So I knew what I had to do. I said, not in my town. So I walked right up to that Nazi, punched her right in the face, beat the shit out of her. Don't worry, punched her right in the face. Beat the shit out of her.

Don't worry, I wasn't any danger. She was way smaller than me. Like suspiciously small, you know? She was about five, six years old. But listen, if you're old enough to wear that uniform in public, you know, the infamous Nazi uniform with the green skirt and the beret and the sash covered in war medals.

If you're old enough to wear that, you're old enough to get punched in the face by a grown man and get all of your cookies stolen. All right, now listen, folks. I'm no hero, all right? All right, we'll call it. You guys are insane. You've forgotten what... Okay. We're going through a turbo round, no interview.

Ladies and gentlemen, before... I just pulled another one, so before he comes up, ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna bring someone up who specializes in following people bombing. I've waited. I didn't want to have to wake him up. I didn't want to have to wake him up. Ladies and gentlemen, we're gonna bring someone up who specializes in following people bombing. I've waited. I didn't want to have to wake him up. I didn't want to have to bring him out of his fucking cage. But ladies and gentlemen, here he is while we wrangle

a bucket pole, because it's up to a bucket pole to get us out of this mess. We will go all night. We will do all 200. This is Drew Nickens. ["Drew Nickens Theme Song"] My dad is my best friend. Even though he talks shit about me on Reddit. And he's a kooky guy.

I was scrolling through Facebook. I got a group recommend that said sexy superheroes. And my dad was a member. So I checked on it, just to see what type of diddy freak off shit he's into. That's when I realized, my dad is a Batman cosplayer. Imagine this, he is a six foot six 450 pound black man in a Batman costume in a wheelchair

that he calls the Batmobile because he can't walk. He goes, I'm Batman. I love solving crime, unless there's stairs. Like why can't you be trans, dad? It was awkward. I walked into my parents' house, aka the Batcave. That's when I realized my parents were creating content. My dad, full costume, batarang hanging out.

My mom hunched over in a plenther costume. It smelled like an Arby's roast beef sandwich in that bitch. They had the meats. But I'm not going to King's Shame. So you can find me in that group. It's the Retarded Robin. Thank you all so much. All right.

Drew Nickens, ladies and gentlemen. We're flying through it tonight. Drew, there he goes. Drew Nickens, everybody. We are still in turbo mode. I don't know if you guys hear those sweet slot chimes you guys hear that come on let's get some energy up in this room no no no we don't want fake energy we bring that energy back down everybody we want you to be a true judgmental crowd we know what the fuck is going on here.

Stay judgmental. Make these, someone's gotta fuckin' earn it. Ladies and gentlemen, in an unprecedented episode, this is indeed your 12th bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for a minute from Matt Rivera. Matt Rivera. Matt Rivera. Hey everybody, my name is Matt. I've always struggled with my masculinity. I think it's because I like bubble baths, which is really confusing because now ice baths are cool.

It's like, what, are you getting a tub of ice? You're manly and you're stoic but you had some soap and you're a pussy. I don't know how to treat people man. I saw this homeless guy the other day and he asked me for money. I opened my wallet I only two dollars, so I told him no. Then the next day I came back and he was dead. And when something like that happens, it really like, fucks with you, but it teaches you to appreciate things in life. Like I am so grateful I didn't give that guy any money. Cause he's fucking dead now,

and it's a tale as old as time. You know what they say, a bird in the hand beats two in a dead homeless guys... in a bush. Yeah. I've been getting a little freakier in the bedroom. Uh... recently, I had sex in the Amazon position.

Yeah, it's, uh, it's pretty hot. It's when, uh, I'm on top, and she's at her phone looking at throw pillows. All right, thank you guys. All right, Matt Rivera. The biggest laugh you got there, you shook your head like that. You go, why'd you do that? I don't know, I was just, yeah.

Were you surprised? I'm surprised that I'm here right now. What the fuck is a lightning round, dude? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's not going great. I don't know. It's not going great. And it's still not going great. Ah! It is still, as you hear that sweet, sweet sound, it's still not going great. I have no more little joke books to give out, but I will give you a bottle. This is a bottle of souvenir comedy mothership water.

Now, it might not seem like much. Now, I'm gonna wait on the cigarette butts. This doesn't look like the kind of guy we wanna give our DNA to. Now this might seem like nothing, but this is actually a $13 bottle of water. Have you ever had a $13 bottle of 20.600 milliliters before? No, no, it's impossible to have that small

of an amount of water worth $13. Only here, a true souvenir, courtesy of the comedy mothership, a $13 bottle of water. Right when you think Joe Rogan can't get any richer, leave it to a $13 bottle of water, ladies and gentlemen. There's also, it's reusable. John Dees has reminded me, as I'm sure the Carrie would, who runs the joint, it is reusable. That is one of the things that they tell me when I make fun of them for having this bottle of water, is they go,

it's reusable. I go, who the fuck is going to fill up? Who's drinking this rusty second sloppy... All right. Excellent water. Yes, it is delicious. High-quality water. It is unbelievable.

Do you drink water sometimes? I try to, yeah. There you go. There he goes, everybody. Matt Rivera. We are on number 13. It seems like it will never end, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Sean Stewart, number 13. It seems like it will never end, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Sean Stewart, number 13.

Whoo! Howdy, y'all. Howdy. It's crazy, inbreeding used to be cool, right? You had to be rich and famous to fuck your cousin. A king and a queen, the powerful fucked their cousins. Now they fuck kids on an island. Right? I'm kind of sad I wasn't invited to that island though. Not as an adult, but as a kid. I wanted a Nickelodeon show. I think it could have been better than Drake and Josh. Right? No? Everybody got real mad when they found out Stephen Hawking went to the island. I don't know why. I don't think his dick worked. If I was a kid on that island

that had got him on my weekly schedule, I'd be kinda pumped. Right, you know he gave some bomb ass head. Woo! All right, it was like harder, deeper, daddy. That show would have been great. Sean Stewart, everybody. You hear that sound?

We're in a turbo round, Sean. So put the mic back in the mic stand. You don't have to do an interview. You get to go right back to bed where you came from, back in your sweatpants. Ladies and gentlemen, this guy has been on this show multiple times. I do believe he's the door guy here.

This could be the answer we've been looking for. In bucket pole number 14, it would be crazy if this guy doesn't do good. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a new minute from Adam Lucky. Just heard it. How the fuck we doing everybody? We in it? I'm going to do a fucking catchphrase right now. I'm gonna go A-O, you guys give me a shabango.

A-O! Jenga! Fuck yeah, so the other day I was beating my daughter. Aunt Jenga? Am I right guys? No, that's a joke, she beat me. So I punched that bitch in the fucking face. A-O!

Jenga! Fuck yeah, anyway, I don't be fucking that bitch by the way. I may look like a pedophile but I'm not one which is tough because I do have resting I'd be fucking my daughter face which is not easy. Which I don't like because I got to walk around with that daughter and it's tough because she's not even that hot. So it's like, damn, not only do I look like a pedophile, I look like a pedophile who can't even pull. Like, uh-oh, god damn, she may be five years old, but she's the four at best, am I right?

Oh my god, I went to the Kill Tony show when a guy made a pedophile joke. Fuck yeah. Suck it, fuck it boys, hell yeah. Now you did good. You did good. And normally that would be good enough for a big joke book. Thanks Tony. You, but I realized that I kinda,

it's kinda defeating the purpose having someone that already has a big joke book up. Because we are without a doubt inside of a turbo round. All good brother. Anything crazy happened since the last time you were on the show? Stayed off cocaine. Well, congratulations.

Normally a lot of people that open up with give me a shebang and I'll give an AO are still on cocaine. Ha ha ha. Ironically enough. But on the Kratom. Oh, you're on Kratom? No, I'm trying to... yes, I am on Kratom. Yeah.

Yeah, this is what every addict does now. I don't know if you guys have any of these Kratom buddies. It's fun. It's fun. Yeah, so you started with just a little bit, right? What, of the Kratom? Yeah. No, I went in full on hard. Really? Yeah, because I used to be a painkiller addict, so I went in deep. Okay, and so now you're deeper, right? What, the kratom? Yeah. No, I went in full on hard. Really? Yeah, cause I used to be a painkiller addict,

so I went in deep. Okay, and so now you're deeper, right? The addiction only grows a little bit more of a, what do you, how do you do it, a scoop? No, I'm a, they have these press pills now, which is basically just like gas station Vicodin, so it's badass. Wow.

They're really cheap and they make, they make fucking Hey Arnold really funny. So I highly suggest. How many does it say to take on the instructions? It says two a day and I'm down to 30 a day. Seriously? No not really. No I've got four a day. I mean tomorrow I'm supposed to quit go cold turkey so I'm just gonna sweat in my room

for four days. Have you thought about quitting before this? Have you tried at all to quit? Yeah, pretty much, but tomorrow's like the day I'm like actually gonna really try hard, but we'll see. No promises. Sorry, mom. It's not gonna work.

No, it probably won't work, I know. There's no way you're quitting Kratom tomorrow. I mean, I'll do my best. I can just feel it in the air. Thank you. Uh, you've tried to quit before. How long have you been on this Kratom addiction? Uh, I mean, overall, probably, like, six years.

I was expecting that to be Heidi, and it was James McFadden. I didn't know the show was gonna go for nine hours tonight. I know. I know. It's a crazy one. Uh... Hey, James., it's a crazy one. Hey James. All right, here we go. It's good to see you. There he goes, thank you.

All right, cool, thanks for having me. Adam Lucky, ladies and gentlemen, has multiple appearances on this show. We're going until we give away a big joke book. A true fucking bucket poll. Here we go. It could be right now, there's the lovely Heidi. Total opposite from James McCann.

Make some noise for, this is indeed our 15th bucket pull of the night. We are one away from the record. Make some noise for Luke Newcomb, everybody. Luke Newcomb. Y'all, I think it's safe to say life is like toilet paper. We all go through it. Some more than others.

They say they don't. They gotta be full of shit. I wouldn't shake their hand, that's what I'm saying. That's a hot take. I think cheating is bad. I think it's worse women do it. A woman will cheat. Not even cum. Fuck.

Like guys, guys are so gross. Like they'll be like, oh, just a fucking pussy. Like, yeah, let's do it. Oh, you know fucking pussy. Like, yeah, let's do it. Oh, you know what that means. Do you want a cigarette butt? Do you want one of Red Band's cigarette butts? Yeah. Here you go.

Man. All right, there he goes. Luke Nukem, everybody. We're in the turbo round, Luke. I don't know if you hear that noise. Keep the volume up. Jesus Christ. A woman will cheat and not even come

with, like, a beautiful poem or something, you know? Hold on. Let me make sure I have this correct. 9, 10, 11, 12, 13. 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15. This is it. Ladies and gentlemen, this will tie the record for all time. Are you guys excited to be here

at a record-setting episode? How long has it been? 12 and a half? June 2013, what is that? 12 years? I don't know. We've been doing this show a long time. This will be, this will tie the all time amount

of bucket pulls. This should be your final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Bruce DeTore. Ladies and gentlemen, A minute for Bruce. -♪ -♪ That's right. Soak it in, ladies. This is what Jeff Bezos would look like without any money. This is the improved me.

I've lost 60 pounds, but I didn't get the results I wanted. I ended up with loose skin. I wanted a tight-toned stomach. I ended up with a belly that looks like a used grocery bag. Yeah, you know. If my body was an amusement park, it would be six red flags. Yeah. Shit, you know.

And everything's going crazy now. Everybody's like, oh, fuck, Trump's in office. But, you know, I'm looking forward to it. Because, quite frankly, I like Hispanic women. And with all this talk of deportation, there's gotta be somebody cute out there that wants a green card. You know?

He just renamed the Gulf of Mexico to the Gulf of America. I can't wait to see what he does next. There's a body of water that borders the west coast of this great country. We're gonna call it the Great American Ocean. What are you gonna call the one on the other side? The Other American Ocean. That's what we're gonna call it. It's a tough predicament.

It is a tough predicament. Bucket Pull number 16 coming out with that head. I mean, you are so funny looking. It's almost not fair the amount of laughter that you get looking the way that you do. You are a funny looking guy and you're aware of it. The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away. I love it. I love it.

So you're a real guy, huh, Bruce? Well, some of my exes would disagree, but fuck those bitches. I love it. My goodness, and I see the extra skin. It's there on your neck. It's there, too. What's the most you ever weighed?

About 250. About 250. How'd you lose the weight? What is your secret? Just diet and exercise. Okay. Anything you enjoy in life, stop doing it. Yeah.

What do you do for a living? I used to be in automotive, and now I'm just pursuing comedy and mooching off my trust fund. Okay how much do you have in the trust fund? How much do you have saved up in your trust fund? I basically live on about $2,500 a month. Okay is that what all they give you? Is that what you're allotted? Pretty much yeah. Okay so your trust fund you get like a monthly thing they didn't want to give it to you all at once. I get like a monthly stipend and then what

little bit I make off of comedy and so forth. A little bit of acting here and there. And the trust fund was from your parents? Yeah, pretty much. Okay, and your father passed away? No, he's still around. It'll be way better when he goes. Okay, that makes sense. I love you, Dad. I know you're not watching, but I love you. Please stick around. That makes sense.

Tell us more about your life, Bruce. You seem like a guy that's been divorced a lot. Oh, I'll tell you the closest I've ever been to marriage was I was going to ask a girl, I said, I need to ask you a question. She said, dear God, please don't ask me to marry you. That wasn't the question. The question was, have you been cheating on me? And she did say yes. Why do you think she was cheating on you?

Uh, because she was a fucking piece of shit. Um, she introduced me to the guy, too. She's like, you gotta come meet this guy. He looks exactly like you. Did he look exactly like you? He was a little taller, but apparently he wasn't as good as in bed, because she called me later to complain that he couldn't make her come.

And you could make her come? Uh, apparently not good enough. I don't know. Such an interesting predicament. Yeah. I couldn't make her come. And you could make her come? Apparently not good enough, I don't know. Such an interesting predicament. What are your secrets to making a woman come? Teach me, Bruce. Just work the tongue just desperately until they either tell you to stop

or such a good enough actress you believe they're not faking. Okay. Oh, shit. I think we should just give up. You guys think we should go to the bucket one more time? All right. This is indeed a record...

This is officially a record-setting episode. Bruce Dottore goes on to the next one. You know what we're gonna do while we go wrangle that person? I'm gonna bring to the stage just to show you that it is possible to kill. I'm going to bring up one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show, who would normally close the show,

just to show you that comedy can be done. Ladies and gentlemen, one of the greatest regulars ever, here with a brand-new minute, this young man, I promise you, will one day be a citizen of the United States of America. One of the shining stars of the Kill Tony universe, this is the Estonian assassin Ari Mati I took the bus last week and I sit in the back of the bus

and I think I'm alone on the bus. Until at one point I look to the front and there's another guy there and he has the down syndrome. I'm not saying nothing bad about him. He just got it. And he notices me too. And he starts playing the game with me of whoever looks away first is a pussy.

And you know me, dog. If you wanna fuck with me, I'll fuck you back. So I stare this motherfucker down. And we keep going. I missed my stop. Now who's retarded, huh? And it was one of those buses, you know where the middle part has the slinky accordion? So every time the bus would turn, me and my guy would lose each other.

And then every time it's straightened out, there he is. The only moment he broke eye contact was because in one of the bus stops from the middle door, a lady enters the bus and she has I don't even know how to say this but she's got they were so big that the tits were on the bus she almost missed it, you know what I'm saying? Dude, and me and my guy, we like both at the same time. We like both look at the tits.

And brother, when we look back at each other... The connection we had? That's how perverted men are. It's in our DNA. Because I got a high school diploma and he thinks mirrors are another room. But at that point, we were both like... So ladies, get those milkers out and bring this country together! Thank you so much.

Proof. Proof that it's possible. Thank you so much. Proof. Proof that it's possible. Thank you. Three minutes of brand-new material after doing tens and tens of minutes before on the show's history. Take note. What's it called? 16 bucket pulls we've been through. Nobody had one minute, like any minute of your three minutes, What's it called? 16 bucket pulls we've been through.

Nobody had one minute, like any minute of your three minutes. And you've done this many. I mean, people like me. I have an advantage. Well, yeah. No, I know that. I'm just saying, this is a wild episode. Have you been keeping track? I'm sure you've been back there waiting for a while. I was listening, but I had to go. I had to walk.

Dude, I was starting to bomb. Like, you know when you listen to comedy, you're like, what is stand up even? Yeah. What are we doing? Exactly. I was starting to think it was me. I thought I was bringing the best.

I know, James. Dude. Ari, why don't you put the mic in the mic stand. Why don't you sit in next to James and join us. Let's get through the rest of it together. Let's just see what happens here. You want a drink? What do you want to drink, Ari?

Order a drink. We might be here a while. What do you want to drink, Ari? What do you want to drink? Whiskey and soda water. Can I get the whiskey and soda water? Two. Two. We're having fun here tonight.

Ladies and gentlemen, this is officially a record. Your 17th bucket full of the night goes by the name of Zach Myers, everybody. What's up? So recently I've been banging this cancer bitch. Yup. But she's not one of those leukemia hoes. She was just born in July. Yup. leukemia hoes she was just born in July. Yep. The issue with her though is she does have cancer and I'm just not into that. How much can you expect me to care when I can't get to second base because because she's already at stage four. Oh. They cut her tits off too quick.

Oh. Thank you. Uh, and a lot of my buddies will be like, well, why are you even into her, bro? And I tell them, you know, it's simple. Uh, as an Arabic, I find it sexy how easily she got in the terminal. And that means your minute is up.

The cat is gone and the slot chime is in because we are in turbo mode. There was one point in the middle of your set where you said thank you. Did you remember that? Yes, sir. They were laughing because of the way that Ari Matty was laughing.

Yeah. At the overall thing. There was a part where James laughed because you did a cancer, the, what do they call that? After this show, I'm gonna have to just stare into a flower for half an hour. There's good news.

There's good news. The show is never going to end. Give it up for Zack Myers as it continues. He looks like a vampire, no? We are in deep, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Zack Myers back to... He's gonna live a thousand years. Back to the movie Twilight He Goes.

Did we get that... Oh, thank you so much. Did that bucket pole come back yet? You need another name? Oh, boy. Red Band wants to get out of here so badly. The noises that he's making. Thank God he's not in control of the show.

Am I right? Yeah! Just hand it off. There you go. We're having fun here. Let's kill some time. Hold on a second here. Hold on a second here. Hold on a second. Ari Mati, have you been on the road lately? What have you been doing?

Yeah, I went to Denver this weekend. Oh yeah, ComedyWorks downtown. Wonderful. Literally, I say the best-built comedy club in the world. Did you feel that way? Yeah, it was crazy hot, the crowd. You get a bit too confident up there maybe, you know, after some shows. It is ridiculous. I didn't like the Denver airport though. You know an airport where you take a flight

and then you gotta take a train. Bro, we flew 1800 miles. Can we fly two more? Take me there! No, baby. Maybe I'm autistic, but I fucking love getting on that train. Pittsburgh airport, I'm like, fuck, I wish I could have taken a train to this airport. Bang! I'm on a train! I love it.

I love it. I love it. We're gonna find a superstar here tonight. Can you feel it? I can feel the energy. Hey, don't you guys think James looks like a cute dog with glasses? He does have that vibe. Yeah, you're like that dog that I... It's the nicest thing Ari has ever said to me. I appreciate it.

Which one of us is gonna get a green card first, huh? Fight! People are leaving, huh? Because they think the show's over or something? Lock the doors! Someone should make an announcement there at the bar that the show is continuing until somebody does good. Here, I'll give you two, because let's face it.

We're probably gonna go through them. And if the first one does better before the second one, then we'll put the second one up next week or something. We're gonna stay here all fucking night. Yes! For those of you getting thirsty out there, let me remind you that this is a reusable bottle of water. It's $13. Shocking. Shocking.

But it's reusable. So, you know, something to keep in mind. Plus it has a mothership logo on it. I mean, look at that. Who wants not to love about a... Hey, lady, you want to do the secret show Thursday? Wow, a woman from the audience. You do?

Did you sign up? Do you do comedy? Oh, it's a shame. I'll bet you're funnier than everybody without being prepared. Do you think you have a minute? Do you think you have? Oh, who here has a minute, huh?

Do you think you have 20 seconds? Should we get somebody who looks funny? Did you sign up, sir? You did? What's your name? All right, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Brandon Farris. We are doing this tonight.

Let's go, Brandon! This guy literally just said, I can do it. Do you believe in miracles, ladies and gentlemen? We will be here all night until somebody who hasn't been on this show before does good. This is the Kill Tony debut of Brandon Farris. -♪ I've been told I have resting Republican face. I look like I buy my daughter black baby dolls

because it's February, Black Issue Month. It's not good. It's not good. Get out of here. Get out of here, Brandon. Put the mic back in the mic. Okay, Brandon. You said it's not good. Put the mic back where you found it. Jesus fucking christ. Get out of here. Now get back to your fucking seat. He lost confidence in four seconds. Jesus fucking christ. This is unbelievable. Ladies and gentlemen your next bucket full. I do believe this is fucking number 20 or something.

I don't know what's going on here. Make some noise. Oh, we know this guy. There's... Okay, ladies and gentlemen. Dubs General, ladies and gentlemen. Bucket full number 20, Dubs General. I can already tell you. We have another one coming. So, why, people?

I'm new to dating. Are y'all still afraid of AIDS out here? I've been fucking these ratchet bitches lately and I was in with her and I was getting it in. I was trying to get it in. I was, fuck y'all, that's how I fuck. And she said... Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha We are flying through it. What was that? Go ahead. What the fuck was that? Are you guys having fun still, huh? Fuck yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, I've lost count.

I literally have to count the names. 22! This is where we are in it. Make some noise for Eric Bell, everybody. This could be the one. Eric Bell, everybody. This could be the one. Eric Bell. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. So my oldest daughter just turned 13 recently and into a little bitch. Guys, is it still illegal in the state to attempt to sell your child

to a wealthy old childless couple? Even if they're white? What? She gets a new and better life and get a new Corvette 3LT. I told that one online, I didn't go viral. I did get a ha-ha like, however, a friend request and a comment asking, where can we see more of your material? From Texas Child Protective Services. Ladies, I'm dating.

I get it. All right, I've been collecting ice for feedback, free back from you ladies for a long time now. I get it, it's not the face that's closing ass with you. But you have to be so goddamn mean about it. A woman told this to me recently. This wasn't a date. This was just over the phone,

me trying to live free out in the wild. She said, Eric, your looks are not that special. Another minute from Eric Bell. Now, let me just say something here. Comedy's hard. Let me say something. It's crazy, because just a week ago, and you can go back, you can go back one episode right now,

those of you watching on YouTube, you could go back one episode, Jim Norton and Tony Caruso right here, just a week ago. And only one of the bucket pools got a little joke book. Literally eight out of nine or whatever it was, or nine out of 10 or seven out of eight got big joke books. And still, as it continues, or nine out of 10, or seven out of eight, got big joke books. And still, as it continues, there's still not one. There goes Eric Bell.

Thank you, Eric. We're in turbo round right now. I'm gonna count it. Just for our own sake, I'm counting it. I'm counting it. Somebody say something while I count. Talk about something. The goodwill has left my body.

Someone needs to be great. Can you, come on! I peed on my book bag. But if you want good comedy, James McCann, new special, out now. Out now! Hey America, that is true. Hey America, go to Matt and Shane's secret podcast

on YouTube. By the way, this episode is brought to you by Vaya and Bluechew. And this is literally your 20th bucket full of the night. This has to get us out of here. Do you feel it? This could be the one, but stay strong. Be real.

This is a minute from Aaron Spaller, everybody. Aaron Spaller everybody. Aaron Spaller number 20. Have you all seen these Honda Civics driving around? They got that big ass spoiler, really loud exhaust on it and all these stickers and it's this shitty little car. loud exhaust on it and all these stickers and it's this shitty little car. It's trying so hard to be a race car but it just can't do anything that a race car can do. Shit's really annoying right? Yeah it's the same way I feel about trans women too. I feel like I just walked into a fucking fire right now. Breathe.

Something I've learned living in this city. I'm gonna cut you off right there. Aaron Spaller, there he goes, Aaron. You seem like you'd be a very fun interview, but I gotta keep it moving. I don't know if you hear the slot chimes, but we're in turbo mode. Red man has low blood sugar right now.

He wants to go home. This is Bucket Pulled number 21. It's a female comedian. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Ashley Palmer, everybody. ["Bucket Pulled"] I'm a doctor in Canada which means the government pays me to stick my finger up people's butts. Yeah, gotta wear a glove though. Yeah, morphine is addictive. Western medicine tried to solve this with heroin. Oops. It was sold over the

counter to treat coughs in children. It worked, you know. It also helped kids And is for nap time. And is for Nancy didn't wake up from nap time. But don't worry, morphine's been replaced. I'm sorry. Don't worry, heroin's been replaced by its non-addictive cousin, fentanyl. Modern medicine, we just keep getting better. Wow. I'm sorry, how old are you?

I'm 30. Even if a guy fucks you, he should still be on a list. You know what I'm saying? That is true. My man looking for loopholes. It is incredible. This is what free healthcare gets you, ladies and gentlemen. Imagine walking in and this is your doctor. Are you like a general health doctor?

Yeah, I work, I'm a general practitioner. I work up north, so I do like a clinic emergency room and in the hospital in a rural place. Is that weird to be a white doctor in Canada? I hear it's mostly Chinese. There's a lot of white South African doctors. Interesting. Yeah they're really good. Why do you think the South Africans are so good at being doctors? It's their training programs. Yeah they're just intense. Yeah the colleges in South Africa? Yeah, I think it's kind of like a trial by fire type of thing, so they're just good at handling situations.

I can't believe you've killed another one. You're shameful. You would do what that teacher told you to do. Yeah. What was your schooling like? Super-Canadian? Yeah. Now, a lot of people don't know this, but I study the Canadian healthcare system because they brag about how good it is. And I like to do my own research just to make sure that I live in the greatest country on planet Earth, and I do. I don't know if you guys know this,

but Canada does suicides now for anybody that wants one. Am I correct? No. Okay. Correct me where I'm wrong. It's like, it's called made, which is medical assistance in dying, and no one's ever approached me about it, but it's like. That's because you're working, you just said at an emergency, like urgent care thing,

so they would go to a hospital or a normal actual, professional actual real money making full-time doctor. I work in a clinic too. Yeah, I know, that's, they wouldn't go to like a free clinic for that, they would just be like hey everything's free everywhere like what you're saying a clinic that's just like the minor league hospital right? Uh no. Yeah it is. What's the difference between a clinic and a hospital? I work in a hospital also. What do you do at the

hospital? Inpatient care. Is that the people that would kill themselves? Sometimes yeah I guess so. Yeah, because it's like for terminal illnesses that cause like a lot of suffering. I know 21 people who want to get that. Yeah? Yeah, I've talked to multiple Canadian doctors and civilians that live in Canada

and they have all known someone or know people or have assigned it. You haven't? No, I know people who have, but I've just never had a patient approach. Just to make this clear so that everybody understands, in Canada, it's not you're sick with something and dying from something that would make you kill yourself, like here in America, you have to be dying in order to have other people help you kill yourself. In Canada, you just have to be sad, correct? Oh no, but that's something they've talked about which

would be really fucked up if it's like that became a thing and then like you don't accept like psychedelic medicines which are really like you know you know what I mean? Like it sounds like you're in denial that your health care system in Canada is so wild that sad people just get to kill themselves and then they schedule them to kill themselves. Where's the air horn when you need it? Yeah I don't know if that's like in practice yet but that's a dark dystopian potential. Hold on a second. Hold on. You say that it's a dark dystopian potential and that it's not in you. Can you describe what made is then?

Oh, but it's just not for sad people, it's like for suffering, but for, or for like physical pain, but. Do you think you have to have physical pain to do it there? I think so. You're wrong. Okay, that's possible. You could just be sad.

Oh. I know more about your system than you, because I have a bit about it. Okay. That I'm purposefully not doing, because I don't want to leak it here because I want to do it on a thing one day. Yeah.

But I would go into it and it works. Okay, yeah. But the point is, the premise is what's most important. Here's what's crazy is not only, this is going to be interesting for you, not only do Canadians do this, over 2,000, actually, between 1,500 and 2,000 people did it in 2024.

And again, this is no physical ailment. This is just being sad. I wish I was in Canada right now. I know, that's, that was the joke that I implied 28 seconds ago. Now, perfect timing, by the way, to do that then. But they schedule you. So literally, it's not like you go into the hospital

and you're like, I want to kill myself, and they're like, come on, we'll do it. They schedule you for a later date. They have to process stuff and do things. So they're literally like, okay, come back on this date and we will help you kill yourself. And people have to wait, and that's Canadian. like, okay, come back on this date and we will help you kill yourself. And people have to wait. And that's Canadian.

Or you go to their home. Really? Yeah. But service with a smile up there in Canada. They do it. They go to their home. Home visit. Right. Home visit. But what's the weapon? Uh, it's an injectable drug. Yeah. And you've never done it, though. No.

You know, in Finland, they have the highest rates of suicides in the world, and also last year, the happiest country in the world. Suicide works. Uh-huh. No doubt about it. All right, we're gonna keep it moving. There goes Ashley Palmer, ladies and gentlemen.

Thank you, Ashley. Welcome to America. We're gonna keep it moving here. This is bucket full. gentlemen. Thank you, Ashley. Welcome to America. We're gonna keep it moving here. This is bucket full. I don't know, again. I think it's 21 maybe. Owen Gallivan, everybody. Owen Gallivan. -♪ Hey, everybody. Because I think registered sex offenders are, like, really dumb.

Yeah, I'm never gonna register. That's my little secret, you guys. For real, though, I don't know how we landed on the term registered sex offenders. Feels a little soft for what they actually are. Could have easily went with convicted sex offenders. But we went with registered for some reason. Why are we making it sound like they're sex offenders that did all the proper paperwork? Like, you register to vote, you register a weapon.

You register your car. I don't think a cop's ever walked up on a sexual assault. Like, license and registration. And he's like, oh shit, that actually checks out. My bad. Didn't realize you had all your ducks in a row, sir. All right. Thanks. I like that one.

You like that one? That was a good one. Really? Yeah, it was, there was like clever stuff. I would love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Yes! Really? Thank you. Am I losing my fucking mind right now?

It's fine. Registered sex- All right, we're gonna keep it moving. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. We're in turbo round. Ied sex offender. All right, we're gonna keep it moving. There he goes, ladies and gentlemen. We're in turbo round. I don't believe you. I think Red Band's just trying to go home. Make some noise for Nate Mueller, everybody.

Nate Mueller. ["Rogans Comedy Club"] Joe Rogan's Comedy Club. Oh my God. What a, What a scene. That's it. The episode's over, ladies and gentlemen. We're done. We did it. Rodney Baibaya and Blue Chill. James McCanson in special. We believe, honey, we don't give up when the going gets hard.

We keep going until greatness is achieved. I'm sorry, Redmond. We ain't never gonna stop. All right. All right, everything stop and stop. Okay, let's ignore the Joe Rogan's Club. You do, start from the top. Let's go. Skip the Joe Rogan's club. You do, start from the top. Let's go.

Skip the Joe Rogan's club. Do your material, go. Unfortunately, that was my material. He's built a beautiful scene down here, so I moved. Okay, there he goes, everybody. There he goes, that's okay. All right, Nate Mueller, everybody. There he goes.

You're in a special turbo round, Nate. Nope, no bombing allowed. I've never seen Tony's balls look like this. This is a... All that I had written on this when I came up here was Martin Phillips and Ari Matty. We're a part of history now. This isn't a normal Kill Tony episode.

This is a historically bad Kill Tony episode. And from the corpse corpse a flower must grow You know, it's gonna be great next week it's gonna be all bucket kills that are killing like Do you have an appointment to go to? No, he has nothing in the world He has to do VR in like a few days or something for a little bit He is absolutely less than nothing to do VR in like a few days or something for a little bit. He has absolutely less than nothing to do. There's no one I know that has less to do than actually Red Man.

He's very excited to drink and complain about his night tonight. That's all he has to do, right? It's my fault, guys. I'm sorry. No, it's not your fault. The next great comedian in America is behind that curtain. Well, not yet, they're not. There might be six or seven people behind that curtain. There might be 154 more people behind that curtain.

But I believe that greatness is gonna walk out of here tonight. Is there anybody else inside that signed up? What are they pointing at? You did? Do it! You did? What's your name? Jeff Scott.

Jeff Scott? Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Jeff Scott. This could be the one, everybody. Do you believe in miracles? All right, I was watching a documentary before the show, but it got a little depressing, so I had to turn it off. It turns out dolphins will have sex with just about anything. Like, they're extremely horny creatures.

And they kind of bummed me out, dude. I just thought what me and Flipper had was special, you know? I have herpes now, bastard. I really am trying to prove myself right now, though. I quit playing video games. No more smoking weed or, you know, no more drinking. I started going to church, and that means no more masturbating, you know, especially no more jerking off.

In fact, if I'm going to have sex from now on, I only want it to be the Lord's way. I just wish the priest would, you know, take it easy on me, dude. Haven't felt a fart since Easter. Oh. That's all I got. All right. Okay, we're... Go back to your seat, Joe. We are in Turbobog.

How crazy for the girlfriend, huh? Dude, I saw you have a panic attack then. I'd like to give a special shout out to a special guest that's here tonight who told me 18 years ago when I said that I wanted to start stand-up that I'm gonna go to a local open mic in Burbank and start. And he told me, start at the Comedy Store. He's visiting tonight. First time I've seen him in Austin.

First time I've seen him in years. How about a hand for Jeff LaBeouf up there visiting everybody? Old friend, you're not gonna see him. Don't turn around. It's dark up there. It's a VIP balcony. You peasants don't get to lay not gonna see him. Don't turn around. It's dark up there. It's a VIP balcony. You peasants don't get to lay your eyes on him. All right, back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for Marvin Izzy, everybody.

Marvin Izzy. Yum. We here. I smoke weed. That's something me and my father used to do, smoke weed and laugh, smoke weed and laugh. But we can't do it no more because his lungs can't take it like he used to

because he's dead, right? Smoked so much, he's ashes now. Don't feel bad, though. I got a quarter pound of him in my living room. My little sister hit me up. Was like, I want some of his ashes so I can put in a locket. I was like, I'll sell you an A for 60. I want me and my wife to have a kid

so I can know what the race in my baby-gong turn out to be. I say race because I'm Puerto Rican and my wife is Hondurian. So if you use your mixed-race calculator, and turn out to be? I'll say race, because I'm Puerto Rican, and my wife is Hondurian. So if you use your mixed race calculator, Puerto Rico plus Honduras equals Mexican. Cuban, if you carry the one. Y'all think I'm joking.

That mixed race calculator for real. Like, if you get a Chinese person and a Jamaican, you get a Filipino. You get an African and a Venezuelan. You get a Haitian. If you get a Colomb. You get an African and a Venezuelan. You get a Haitian. If you get a Colombian and a Cuban, that's just a very serious cokehead in front of you. Just letting you know that shit right now.

Yeah! Yippee! What was it? Marvin Izzy. Yes, sir. Is it Hondurian or Honduran? Potato, potato. Okay. We're in a turbo round right now, Marvin.

We're gonna keep it moving. There you go. Yum! He's got a catchphrase, everybody. It is yum. A little fun fact. Jeff Scott was pulled out of the bucket just now, so destiny is right on cue. Ladies and gentlemen, we have...

Are you guys still alive? Hell yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Cesar Leon. Everybody, Cesar Leon. This is, we are in, oh my God. All right, Cesar Leon. All righty, good evening, Austin. Where are all my Latinos at?

See, you guys see how easy it was to round us all up? We can't help but express pride. And I feel like in this day and age, we kind of need to take lessons from Italians of the past century, kind of go incognito into why people forget about us Eventually, they'll accept us because if you think about it an old-school Italian is basically just a wetback with a towel No Alrighty then moving forward but seriously now that Trump is in office and these ICE raids have started all over the country

We kind of need to need to be a little bit more vigilant as Latinos You know whenever we go scout out the area be aware learn to read the room Not just clean it Alright, but alrighty that Caesar Leon ladies and gentlemen there he goes Caesar Leon there he goes We're in a turbo round no No interview for you, Caesar. This is fucking crazy. This is an absolute mathematical fucking anomaly. We don't go through this many bad bucket pulls in a month.

Not to mention an episode. This is absolutely crazy. Ari, what's the report coming in? Eh, eh, eh, eh. Yeah. It's unbelievable. Is there perhaps a band member that has a minute? Any of the horn players got anything? You got something? No, these fucking guys. Deep madness is wasted right now.

There's no way. Ladies and gentlemen, here we go. Back to the bucket. This is the show you wanted to go to. Trust me, I wanted to be done an hour ago. Make some noise for Matt Poochitsky. Poochitsky. Matt Poochitsky.

My wife does these charcoal face scrubs. Ladies, you've probably heard of them. Apparently they work wonders, because she does them every night. I'll just be chilling, watching Netflix before bed. She's walking around, full black face, not batting an eye. I'm like, whoa, babe, I'm trying to watch Django Unchained right now. You're totally ruining the vibe. All right cool. Guys there's a family of immigrants behind

that curtain. If you don't laugh I'm gonna have to tickle them very hard to get sound bites. All right. The worst is when she does these charcoal face scrubs. Matt, we're just gonna keep it moving. We're in a turbo round. We need a killer. It's a special part of a special show. Thank you. And you, there we go.

We're gonna keep it flying along. I love comedy! Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise Here we go. We're gonna keep it flying along. I love comedy! Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket poll. We are almost double the record. This is Mario Zapata, everybody. Mario Zapata. Here we go.

I don't know if you guys can tell, but I used to be Hispanic. Yeah. My full name is Mario Alejandro Zapata Diaz. Yeah. You know who gives me the most shit about being pale is other Hispanic people. They're always like, why are you so pale? And I'm like, well, my family flew here.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I'm here. HBO is remaking Harry Potter. Fans are concerned because they want to cast a black actress Snape because in the book it says Askaban, not Axkaban. I think that the reason the word retarded is such an offensive word is because so many people are, you know?

Thank you. Thank you. Mario, look at this. You see this shit right here? Oh my God. Do you believe in miracles? Look at the energy on this fucking guy. Holy shit. A standing ovation for what some people would call on a scale from one to ten, about a 7.2. But here, god damn it, we needed it. You'll never understand what happened before you on a night like this. Mario...

I'm just happy to be here, guys. Fuck yeah! We needed a hero, and you are it. How old are you, Mario? I am about to be 45. 45. How long have you been doing stand-up? 11 years. What do you do for work?

I edit porn. Really? Yeah. He's even got the best interview of the night, ladies and gentlemen. He's taking the ball and running with it. Best set, best interview. Thank you.

What type of porn do you edit? Giants is porn. Oh, yeah. Hey, what is that? It's where you're a very small porn do you edit? Giants is porn. Oh, yeah. Hey, what is that? It's where you're a very small person and you're looking up at a woman after a woman. Yes, yeah. Imagine Godzilla, but it's a hot chick.

Wow. I can't get your autograph. How do you get into porn editing? You have to be unemployable. Once you fucked everything up, porn opens you with open legs. Wow. Absolutely incredible. That was a bit, I'm sorry. I'll answer the question. It's okay. I'm nervous. Sorry.

Yeah, we might not give you the big joke book. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding, Mario. What else? What else is crazy about your life that we should know about before I let you go? I got kicked out of the military for international drug smuggling. Wow. What types of drugs did you smuggle? Ecstasy. From where?

Well, I didn't smuggle them, but I paid for them to be smuggled. Okay. And I sold some of them. Yeah, yeah. Anti-climactic, sorry. Amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you have kids? They take forever to die. What? No, no kids, no kids.

I'm too selfish for kids. I'm sorry. Okay, so where do you shoot your load when you pull out? Oh, anywhere, anywhere. I'm just happy to be shooting loads. All right. Okay. Here you go, buddy. Congratulations, you got us outowe's. All right. Okay.

Here you go, buddy. Congratulations. You got us out of here. Thank you so much. We're done. Mario Zabata ended it. Kind of just okay, but good enough. The drawing from Ryan G. Belt is in. How about a hand for James McCann? Did the band leave? This is incredible.

James McCann. Guys, play some fucking music. What the hell's going on? Jesus fucking Christ. Check out his new special, Hey America. It's on YouTube, at Matt and Shane's Secret Podcast. James, tell them. Thank you for having me. I can't believe it's over. We did it. James, tell them.

Thank you for having me. I can't believe it's over. We did it. What a beautiful country. What a beautiful show. Ari Matty, thank you for joining us on the back end. Thank you so much. The drawing from Ryan Cheggy belt is in of James McCann and it's lovely.

Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Whoa, Heidi with a gun. Look out. More detail than ever got to be put into that one. Thank you to Viya. Thank you to Bluechew, Red Band. Check out the movie Dars Boot. Okay. And yeah, I got a lot of tickets up for sale.

I'm on tour going to Anaheim and Salt Lake City and Detroit and a bunch of other crazy places coming up, doing standup, bringing my friends with me. We're gonna have a lot of fun out there. And thank you to this audience who is legendary. You guys were at the most bucket pulls ever in an episode I do believe. Pretty positive of that.

And congratulations to us all. I love you. God bless America. Good night, everybody. Thank you. I'm going to go to the bathroom. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. you