KILL TONY - #710 - KAM PATTERSON + TYLER FISCHER

Episode Date: March 11, 2025

Tyler Fischer, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 02/24/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony Go to https://shopify.com/killtony to upgrade your selling today. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Reptite coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas

for a brand new episode of Kill Daddy. Get up, Reptile, let's go! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yeah! Brian Ray Bennett's here, ladies and gentlemen. That's the best damn band in the land. Brought to you by ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, and PrizePix. This is indeed the number one live podcast in the world. You have made it. How about one more time for Matt Mueling

here on the electric guitar. John Dees on the keys behind me. This is D-Madness live in the flesh. Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez, considered big and huge compared to many action figures around the world. And that there is Huevos Rancheros Benito Santiago Alhambra. No doubt about it. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa.

They're called Groove Line Horns, a strangely American terminology for exactly the huevos and the rancheros that they have cooking inside of them. Before we get started tonight, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hey guys, you know what this playground could use? A wine country, huh? A redwood forest would be cool. Ski slopes! Wait! Did we just invent California?

Discover why California is the ultimate playground at VisitCalifornia.com You guys ready to start tonight's episode or what? Well, then here we go. Two of my favorite comedians in the world, ladies and gentlemen. One is a, of course, a legendary regular on this show. The other is truly one of the greatest guests in this show's history. He is an absolute superstar. Make some noise for both of them, everyone.

It is Tyler Fisher and Cam Patterson, everybody. Oh, yeah. A whole episode. The very funny Tyler Fisher, the great Cam Patterson. We're back, baby. They are on tour. TylerFisher.com, CamPatterson.com. They've got websites.

They're on the road doing gigs, selling out everywhere they go. Hi Cam. Well, so I got a website now, nigga. You got a website now. I love it, and it is, it's CamPatterson.com. You were able to secure it. Hell yeah.

You went your first couple years with no website whatsoever. Well, they tried to charge me for it. They tried to charge me 2,000 for it, and we called them to a nice little dark room, and we got the website out of them, so it was good. Every room is a dark room when you and your people are in it. Tyler Fisher. Fuck that, we ain't talking to him.

You know exactly what I mean. This guy doing the Dion Sanders podcast in his spare time. I never get an invite for that. Tyler Fisher, what the hell's up, my man? I'm sorry, I thought this was gonna be rough. I just landed, uh, I took a Delta flight here, and I'm still just getting reacquainted. You're upside down. Yeah, it's all upside down now, so...

We're gonna have some fun tonight. 279 human beings signed up for this opportunity. Their names are in this fucking bucket. Anything can happen. You know their time is up when you hear the sound for this opportunity. Their names are in this fucking bucket. Anything can happen. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That's their 60 seconds, and they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear.

I let this public defender in the front row pick the first name tonight. We're gonna go wrangle that person, and well, they get brought over from the bar across the street where we store all these comedians that are hoping and waiting that a human with a headset will walk over and say their name and whatever, a sign, a fucking number, however they do this thing.

We have one of the greatest comedians that we've ever known that is part of the greatest comedians that we've ever known that is part of the show. I don't know if he's... I guess he's the golden ticket winner. I don't really know. He's just like one of those outlier legends. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Cam's uncle. America's favorite uncle. This is the one and only, here here to get it started with a brand new

minute this is David Jolly how y'all doing tonight white people in Puerto Rico yeah yeah y'all down with the president yeah yeah Trump the realest nigga to ever do it. On the last day of his presidency last time, he freed Kodak Black and Lil Wayne. Then he sent the goons into the Capitol building. Cuckoo!

They were hanging on chandeliers, ripping shit off the wall. I was like, damn, I'm glad these ain't black people. My credit score went up 12 points that day. Only thing I didn't like about what Trump was the president, I kept on getting these letters in the mail for, like, free trips on Carnival Cruise Line, all you can eat chicken and shit.

I was like, you ain't gonna get me like that, 45. I seen roots. This is how we got over here the first time. I know what was gonna happen. I was gonna pull up to that Carnival Cruise Line. It was gonna be me and 45 Dominicans from San Antonio. You know they love a goddamn deal. It was gonna be a long-bearded white man named Boss. He was gonna be like,

all right, guys, everybody, pick up the shiki, have a seat, we're going back to Wakanda. Whoo-hoo-hoo! All right, thank you. Y'all been a whole bunch of fun, man. David Jolly. Hell, yeah. And like have been a whole bunch of fun, man. David Jolly. Hell yeah.

And like that, it has begun. Hell yeah. I understood about 12 words. It seemed funny. Hell yeah. It was funny though. What the fuck did he say? Nobody fucking knows, man.

I usually have a translator with me, but that bitch took the night off. You know what I mean? That dirty bitch. Slangin' bitch. That dirty, stankin' whore. Stankin' bitch. We call them stankin' score. Stankin' bitch. We call them stankin' scallywag, dirty foot bitches.

Yeah. Dirty foot bitches. Yeah. We all know those types. Yeah, yeah, like white women from Kentucky. You know what I mean? Same shit. They got dirty feet.

You know what I'm sayin'? They do. Their feet always dirty. They say it in the Bible. You know what I mean? They do. You're not wrong. You ain't know that? You ain't read that part? What part of the Bible is that exactly?

Dirty, footy-ish, white woman-ish, you ain't see, hear that verse? I think we're reading different Bibles. Yeah, yeah. It's called the e-Biblebonics. Hell yeah. You read the Bible? Oh, you don't read the Bible, you're a liberal, my bad. Who's that?

Who, me? What? What the fuck that mean? I don't know the Bible, you're a liberal, my bad. Who's that? Who, me? What? What the fuck that mean? I don't know what none of that shit mean, I just like to say it. Do you know what a liberal is? No, not at all. Not at all, I like to say it.

You shouldn't go around calling people that. Oh, that's it, that's how I call a person a gay man? It looks like I stormed the Capitol in a Tesla, what are you talking about, man? Yeah. Oh, all right. We love the blacks, we love the blacks so much. I love Donald Trump.

See, they don't understand Donald Trump was down with the Negroes in the 80s, you know what I'm saying? Real sick. They don't know that. See, everybody want to throw Donald Trump underneath the bus. Donald Trump smoked weed out of blunts, you know what I'm saying? You know what I mean? He been down with the Negroes, you know what I'm saying?

Yeah, yeah. What the fuck going on, bro? Tell us what's been going on in your life. Shit man, I've been on the road like the last three months with Cam, I have my thing going. I be with you, killers of kill Tony. We just out here grinding baby, you know? Yeah, but what else?

I mean that's a- Shit, I've been fucking these hoes. Okay, let's talk about it. I got a fuck on hoes. I'm gonna sip of my delicious chocolate milk. I keep like $40 for a bitch, you know what I'm saying? It ain't really tricking, it's just that's like light bill money or something. You know, I fuck old bitches now.

Old bitches will let you chat their ass up for $40, you know what I mean? You still pay them. Well, I mean, it's not paying, it's just like, here you go. It's not paying, it's like a donation. It's not required, it's like saying, thank you for being a wonderful woman. It's like a tilt. Like a tilt, like a gratuity.

It's a gratuity. I think gratuity is the woman's name that you fucked in the first place. Gratuity Jenkins, head register, in and out, burger. Hell yeah. Okay. That bitch was thick though. I believe that.

So you and an old person, you can neither understand what the hell you're saying. Oh yeah, I speak old people. Yeah. What do you mean when you say that? Old people? I understand what they be saying because my grandmama was old

and I used to have to watch her when I was like 11. So I took, I paid close attention to what she was saying. And it's a different dialect. Like, can you give an example of a- Oh, of like an old person? Yeah, like you and your, like what would your grandma say? Do you want me to play his grandma? Yeah, let's-

Oh, I- This is very exciting. I thought Pam was going to suggest it, but- I'm a liberal, so I can't get in trouble. Hey man, I ain't mean nothing by it. My bad. I'm sorry. What that even mean? I thought we were friends. I thought we were...

You from New York. All New Yorkers are liberals, right? Well, I got kicked out. That's why I'm here. Oh, you're right. You're right. I don't want to live in Texas. I have to. What the fuck is a liberal, man? I'm not calling you a homosexual. I'm just saying. I'm sucking your dick right now. I'll prove it. Whoa, what are we talking about? What's going on? Who sucking dick? I'm just calling you a homosexual. I'm just saying. I like these kind of- I'll suck your dick right now. I'll prove it.

Whoa, what are we talking about? What's going on? Who sucking dick? What do you mean, sucking dick? What's going on? Hey, no sucking dick up here, man. Yeah, man. Come on, man.

Trump should make an executive order that we could say the N-word once a month. At least once a month. Whoa, wait. Once a month, right? Get one for the jail. Once a month. No. It's a free bash.

But you got to say it with joy, though. It's got to be joy when gotta say it with joy though. It's gotta be joy when you say it. Yeah, you gotta say it nicely. No, no, no, wait a minute. We can't, no, no. Are you gonna give the President Donald Trump permission right now to do it? If they give me like $500, if I got $500 you can kick me in the nuts. You can kick me in the dick for $500.

I want half a million, nigga, and you can do whatever you want. But I got more for $500. This is Tyler Perry's Kiltone. Welcome to the show. For those of you just joining us, we are live on BET right now. We got a couple Negronis here. What's going on right now? Hey, that's a beer.

That's an Italian beer. It's not a fucking beer that's close. I thought that was a pastry. No, it's an Italian beer, and Negroni's an Italian beer. I thought not a fucking beer that's close. I thought that was a pastry. No, it's an Italian beer. Negroni's an Italian beer. I thought it was like some bread or some shit. It's not bread. Some bread? It's bread, right?

Negroni? No, that's a, that's a, that's a, a pepon, a cannoli. That's a black cannoli, everybody. A cannoli. This is fun. Let's look up more Italian words and ask the black people what they think they eat. Hey, mama to me, mama to me.

Hey. What is a rigatoni? Oh, no. That's a pasta. That's a pasta. Very good. Okay. This is a lot of fun.

Hell yeah. All right. Welcome to black. You know what time it is? I used to fuck an Italian bitch. Tight shit? Come on. Hell yeah.

Okay. She used to make them shits. That's how I know what it is. We here for the bullshit. Hell yeah. She got a big tip. Yeah she did. Big ol' dick.

Okay, does anyone want to guess what a, what prego means? A pregnant bitch. No, prego means like traditional, like mama mia. Like, it means like happy times. It means happy. The sauce. Like the sauce? The sauce.

Yeah, I know it's the sauce, but it mean like happy times. Like mama mia, like family. It's family. All of your answers are incorrect. It actually means welcome. That's what I'm saying, like mama mia. You know what I was saying? Mama mia. That's what they'm saying like, mama mia. You know what I was saying, mama mia. That's what they say, mama mia.

Mama mia. Okay. Ain't Mario Italian, nigga? Yeah, yeah, him and Luigi. Wasn't I supposed to say the M word is Trump? Where would I put it? No, no, no, no, Tyler. You got $500.

You got $500,000? Shit, you can say whatever you want. You can kick me in the ass too, I swear you can. For $500. Oh man, we gotta do better than this, man. Nigga, I need them $500. All right, I got tens and I got... All right, no, no, you can't say the fucking N-word.

I got some Pepto Bismol. Oh my goodness, look at that. One shade darker to purple and they would chug that right now. It's a little too pink. What is bubble gum? What is bubble gum? Look at that right now. It's a little too pink. What is bubble gum? What is bubble gum? Look at that shit. You put bubble gum in a blender.

This is black shit. Look at this. It's my wallet. I got gum. What? A loose cap. A Magnum condom for some reason, just in case you need a quick disguise. You better be making water balloons.

All right. Back to Italian black translation game. What do you think a carbonara is? Oh, I know what that is. That's a dish. No, it's a- Hold on. Wait a second here.

Cam was onto something. Yeah, nigga, it's a dish. You put like, you got like little bacon bits in there. Oh my God, that is incredible. Cam Patterson. This type shit. Type shit. Type shit.

Hell yeah. Y'all fucking think I was gonna do that huh? Fuck all y'all pussy ass bitch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It's actually pancetta, it's not bacon. I hate to. Fuck is a pancetta. I hate to be a liberal.

Especially not doken bits. Don't misgender the fucking. What's a pancetta, what the fuck is that? That's? I hate to be a liberal. Especially not Dough and Bits. Don't misgender the fucking- What's a panchetta? What the fuck is that? That's a fancier, fattier part. I could be wrong. It's nice and bacon. It's a bacon.

It's very bacon ass. It's bacon. Better bacon. It's bacon, yeah. It's better bacon. It's better bacon. It's fucking bacon bits. You said bacon bits, like the trademark brand, Shaker Drive.

I will close. He's putting real shit. It's very controversial on this stage right now. Matt Mueling is yelling about pancetta right now. We finally woke him up. We figured out what his passions are. Types of bacon. I would have guessed red band

would be our senior bacon correspondent. It's actually old bologna in the hood. What? Old pancetta. I don't know what you're talking about right now, Red Band. No, pancetta like sweet. It's kind of sweet a little bit. There you go. Final right now, Redman. No, pancetta like sweet. It's kind of sweet a little bit. There you go.

Final Italian word, black translation. What gentlemen, what is a sfiggatelle? Oh, that's a fucking moron. That's a mooly fuck. That's a fuck nigga. That's a jabroni. God. Hey, you fucking mooly fucker.

No. That's not the... You can't just hit buttons if you don't know if they're right or not. What? It's like an asshole. It's an asshole, right? Say it again, say it again. A schfiggetthel.

Oh, yeah, that motherfucker... That's a dickhead. He's like a dickhead. It's a flaky Italian pastry. Ah, fuck. David, you're a legend. Way to get it started tonight. So much fun, and like that, it has begun. And now, you might not know,

but it's time for the fucking bucket. We're absolutely anything can happen. We're gonna meet a real human being all... Uh-oh. There she is, the iconic Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Whoa. What do you got there? It's coconut water I brought from home. Wow, absolutely incredible.

What do you got? Tequila. I love it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Brought to you by Pepto Bismol, this is Kiltoni. Your first bucket full of the night, getting an uninterrupted 60 seconds goes by the name of Remy Swice, everyone.

Remy Swice, everyone. Remy Swice. -♪ -♪ Someone told me I looked like a retired skinhead. That's why I tell women I'm a veteran-arian. -♪ South Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama take more Viagra

than any other states in the Union. Alabama, South Carolina, Georgia, love their dickpills. Hey, they did say the South will rise again. Ha-ha! If at first you don't secede, you can dust it off and try again. Even though I look like a racist white guy, I'm not a racist white guy.

I'm a racist Arabic guy. Big difference. I don't know if y'all been watching the news, but it's my turn to be racist. Look at me, look at me. I'm the N-word now. I tell these guys before the show, always, I tell the guests the same thing. Whatever you do, don't be funny during someone else's minute or else people at home are going to think that this comedian's doing good and fucking Tyler Fisher just can't help himself.

He has to bust out the Pepto and fucking... Okay, Remy, you're a psycho. Welcome to the show. Thanks for having me back. You've been on before? Yeah, last year. Appreciate you having me. Okay, all right, Jesus. What are you, on Adderall or something?

Not yet. Cam, what do you think about this? Who the fuck thought she was white, man? He looks like a flaky pastry, a little Italian. Yeah, the flaky Italian, nigga, yeah, yeah. Okay, so what are you, Remy? Middle Eastern by descent. Both my folks are from Jordan, but I was born and raised in Oklahoma City.

Okay, we got it. Okay. Are they still there, your parents? Yeah, they are. Okay, what do they do in the Middle East? Oh, no, in Oklahoma. Oh. What made your Middle Eastern parents pick Oklahoma? That's a... There wasn't anybody to tell them what to do in Oklahoma.

Okay. Are you familiar with large family politics? No. Oh, all right. I thought you were Italian. No big deal, but. What do you mean? Well, everybody loves to tell people

what to do in a large family, right? And there wasn't any family in Oklahoma, so they'd start their own thing out there. It's pretty cool. They used to sling rugs and tapestries out of the back of their trucks. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's cool.

No, really? So they moved to Chicago when they came to America, and then they would drive to LA and back through Route 66. Why would they drive when they could have just taken one of the carpets? Yeah, well. They've got this all backwards. Your people are known for this.

Awesome, that was good stuff. Yeah, no, they stopped in Oklahoma City and it was a pretty cool place and there was an Orthodox community there and very welcoming. Okay, enough. Remy, how old are you? I'm 44 years old. 34, how long have you been doing this? 44, enough. Remy, how old are you? I'm 44 years old.

34. How long have you been doing stand-up? 44. 44. Jesus Christ, that's a big difference. 44. How long have you been doing stand-up? Hardcore for about three years. When you say hardcore, what exactly do you mean? Is that a taste of the hardcore comedy that you've been doing?

Now, the first time I got on stage to do an open mic was 2006. Oh, what a... Okay, red hand, Mic was 2006. Okay, Red Band relax. Jesus. Okay. No idea why that sound effect should be there, but oh, because it's hardcore. Red Band.

So good. So good. Okay. So you were doing it hardcore. Yeah, yes. And then what happened? So good. So good. Okay, so you were doing it hardcore. Yeah, yes. And then what happened? No, I messed around for a long time

because, you know, life happens and I can't just do open mics growing up, so... Why? Why couldn't you do open mics? Mostly I was committed to a... Jail? ...relationship or a job, but about three years ago, I was able to fully immerse myself and start hitting it and getting to it.

I thought I'd tell one. All right, there's a lot going on here, I guess. Okay, so what was the job that you were doing in which you couldn't do comedy as well? I helped run the family business. What was the family business? We have a pita bakery, and we had gyro shops in the mall growing up,

so I grew up in a shopping mall in the 80s and 90s. Pita, gyros, and carpets. Okay, we are... That's up. Yeah, we are... very close to a terrorist attack, ladies and gentlemen. Yeah. So what do you do now?

How do you make money now that you get to do comedy so hardcore? I Uber. This is a great town to Uber in, so... There it is. That is the trisect everybody. You know how much time you have to spend grinding, getting these open mics and starting shows and producing little bitches? Who are you yelling at? Laughing at my Uber job? Oh Jesus. Oh my God.

Well I gotta sit next to the psychopaths. Yeah. I got a little knife here for just in case. Oh that's crazy. Yeah what the fuck? That's a crazy thing to have. I thought Pepto Bismol was weird. He's like, oh I got a knife.

Okay. I'm very small, it's dangerous. This nigga got a sword. That knife is adorable. I get attacked all the time's dangerous. They got a sword. That knife is adorable. I get attacked all the time outside. It really is one of the cutest knives I've ever seen. What do you do, butter your fucking biscuits with that thing? Open up letters?

Oh my God, what is that? Kill somebody. Is that for grapes? Whoa, look out. For grapes, yeah, I got my grapes with it. Someone need their garlic slice thin? Okay. So, Remy, tell us about your life.

Like, what's been going on? You single? Yeah, yeah, actually, uh, trying to start a family. If anybody's unvaccinated out there and they want to start having kids, holler. I am. Wow. Hell yeah. Remy, is that your pitch for the ladies?

Yeah, when you're 44, you ain't got time to mess around. So you're like looking for a woman. Yeah, yeah. I got my aunt showing me girls from the old country too. Yeah, man, this one girl, she's a real G hottie. Okay, there you go. You have a little joke book from last time? The small one.

Yes, that is correct. That would be the one that you should have. Here, I'll cut it in half. What? You don't think I... All right, there he goes. Remy Swice, everybody. Hey, thanks everyone. On to the next one.

This bucket full is from the inside. Hey y'all, this podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. You know, therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in network with most insurance providers. Did you know that most insured members have a zero dollar co-pay? All right, man.

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All lowercase, go to Shopify.com slash Kill Tony to upgrade your selling today. Shopify.com slash Kill Tony. It could be one of you. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Joshua Yellis. Joshua Yellis. Is that Joshua back there, crossing over? Joshua, is that you?

Back there. He's coming from the side. Oh, he's coming from the back. That's just a man urinating right there. Come on, Joshua. Now's your time. Now, normally, people from the inside tend to not do good. It tends to be a lot of people that I've always wanted to try this and I

wanted to see how it would go. I thought it would go better than that. But it could also be, you know, the next great talent. So make some noise one more time for Joshua Yellis. Oh, Jesus Christ. All right. Women argue like terrorists. They fight like terrorists. I'll give you an example. Every guy in this room knows what I'm talking about.

You'll say something to your woman. You'll say something to your woman that means nothing to you and she'll take it as a personal fucking attack against everything she believes in. You'll be sitting on the couch next to her that night and you ask her, you can see that she's pissed. You'll say, honey, what's wrong? She'll say, nothing, it's fine. You know she's fucking mad.

An hour goes by, she's not ready yet, she's still putting the dynamite in the vest, it's fine. You know she's fucking mad. An hour goes by, she's not ready yet. She's still putting the dynamite in the vest. She's not ready to blow up the fucking square yet. She's waiting until later in the night, right? You wait an hour, you say, honey, what's wrong? It's fine. She's still getting her Pilots license, fellas. She doesn't have her box cutter yet.

She's not ready to hit the towers. As soon as your eyes are closing to go to sleep, she says... Okay, okay, I'm gonna stop you. Joshua. Holy shit, man. That is such a specific story to you in your life. You're like trying to make it relatable to everybody. Everybody's like, what the fuck are you talking about? I'm trying, man.

You know, you ever have your girls out there getting pilot's lessons, and you're like, what is up with that? 9-Eleven was funnier than that. Yeah, goddamn, dude. Wild, Joshua. Wild, let's talk about it. You ever do stand up before? Never, dude. It was my first time about it. You ever do stand up before?

Never, dude. It was my first time on stage. You were talking in the microphone. Everyone was trying to tell you. I had to stop people from trying to fix your set for you. Because we had already tried. Yeah. Talking down here, right down here, right down here.

Right down here. Yeah, so that's not really how it works. It's like this. Yeah. There you go, dude. First time. First time. Your wife can't hear you. Maybe that's a problem. No, dude. Yeah. That could easily be the problem.

Shout out to Alexandra. I love you. We're getting married in May. Love you so much. You haven't even married your wife yet? This is crazy. You haven't married your wife? I thought I saw that at work. She's already my wife to me. Is she with you tonight? She is not.

No, hopefully she'll be watching this. Yes. I'd get married tomorrow. No way, dude. Nice, dude. I'm gonna get it. What? Yeah, you might want to knock it out.

Get a prenup. When does this go? So Joshua, what do you do for work? What exactly do you fix with a wrench? I'm a truck driver, my man. Perfect. Yeah? How do you like driving trucks?

I fucking love it, dude. I love it. I'm keeping America alive. Me and all the truck drivers out there. Fuck yeah, man. Absolutely. Yeah. Very important job. I love it. I'm keeping America alive. Me and all the truck drivers out there. Fuck yeah, man. Absolutely. Yeah. Very important job.

God damn right. Tell us what it's like out there on the road. Tell us some tricks. What are you urinating to? What do you, how do you? Gatorade bottles mostly. You know, sometimes a shitty bathroom with a hooker. You know?

Right. Tell us a wild story from you being out there on the road. Honestly, man, I don't have a lot of crazy stories. I'm listening to Kill Tony, listening to podcasts, a lot of comedy. I don't know. Not a lot of crazy stories. Give us an interesting... No Lot Lizards. I'm not over the road, dude. Okay, give us an interesting fun fact about your life

before we get you out of here and back to obscurity for absolute ever. Yeah. What do you deliver? It looks like you deliver Frisbees or something. What do you deliver, dude? Whates or something. What do you deliver? What is your load? What's your load? How we get gay so fast? How we get gay so fucking fast, man?

I work for a crane company, so mostly counterweights for crane. Not that interesting. Sorry, guys. Okay. So Joshua, most interesting fun fact about your life. You have an entire life to reference here before I let you go. This is your final question. What about your life? Anything? I found the most amazing

woman in the entire world. Get the fuck out of here. Oh fuck you. Get out. No joke, but go. Get out. Banished. Banished from my kingdom. Oh, I'll tell you the most interesting thing that I've ever seen or had happen to me in my life is I'm at the most amazing fucking kill yourself. I hope that bitch cheat on you, nigga. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha nigga. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Whip it through the glass. All right.

Imagine if everybody did that, just signed up for the show, and was like, I love my wife. Oh, I just came here to say that I listened to the show, and I love my wife. What the fuck, man? Oh, man. All right, your next bucket full. Hopefully they want to do something in comedy one day.

Make some noise for Billy Sherman, everybody. Here we go. Billy Sherman. What's up, everybody? Yeah. So I'm Puerto Rican, Portuguese, Native American, Middle Eastern, Italian, and Jewish. And if I was a woman, I would look exactly the same. I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I'm expensive garbage.

So, yeah, it's tough. I'm Puerto Rican and Jewish, which means I'm expensive garbage. So... Yeah, it's tough. It's tough being Puerto Rican and Jewish. Puerto Ricans are known for two things. They know how to dance and stab people. So please laugh at these jokes. I was driving down the street the other day, and I saw a sign that said,

Drive like your kids live here. So I drove away. Actually, I don't remember what I was doing because I was wasted. So, yeah. My mom told me that if my son pees on me, it means that he loves me. So I figured I'd show my dad some love.

And now I can't go back to the cemetery. Oh. Billy Sherman. Okay. How long you been on stand-up, Billy? About 10-plus years. Okay, where at? I started in Honolulu, Hawaii. Okay. Do you still live there?

No, I live here in Austin now. How long good you move here? I just moved here in September of last year. Okay. congratulations. Thank you. You fighter? Jiu-jitsu? What is it?

Yeah, I just do jiu-jitsu and... But you've been doing it for a long time. Three years. How did your ear get so fucked up in three years? I did. I just... That bitch is terrifying. Wow.

It's a vagina on the side of my head. I just... I really love the sport, man, and I just... I love rubbing up against some people, you know? It's just... Tight. Wow. There's the clit.

I'm trying to figure that out. Yeah, see it? There it is. You should teach a class on... I should. Daniel, nigga. Wow. Billy, what do you do for work?

I'm a property manager. I work for Jews. What kind of... What exactly is your, like, day-to do for work? I'm a property manager. I work for Jews. What kind of...what exactly is your day-to-day work like? I just try to make sure no one gets evicted. What do you mean you're trying to make sure no one gets evicted? I don't know. I just deal with a lot of folks who live in apartment complexes, and then there's people that are always doing drugs, and I have to be like, you can't do that here, man.

I can't. Not here. What kind of drugs are they doing? Mostly meth have to be like, you can't do that here, man. I can't. I can't. What kind of drugs are they doing? Mostly meth, yeah. A lot of meth. Wow. A lot of meth. Okay. What kind of car do you have, Billy?

You are built very strangely. Right? Yeah. Right? Yeah. I'm in my third trimester. I... Very stocky.

Yeah. It's a, I drive a car that looks like me. It's a 1999 Toyota Yaris Kind of what I pictured it looks just like me so blue That's a little gray Are the side mirrors all mangled? Yes Billy you ever win in jiu-jitsu? I've got maybe about 15 gold medals. Oh, wow. Holy shit.

Sorry I said that. Yeah. Master's division, though, I'm 32, so I don't know. I'm an old guy, so... You're in the old guy's division. Old guy better than you. Okay. All right. What's your love life like?

Right now, nothing. Not really happening. Right. But, uh, yeah, I just got that. A lot of black chicks, I like black women. You like black women? I like black women. I like them brown, Asian, black, yeah. Okay. Wow. What happened? How'd you get that?

White, black, brown. Well, I'm Puerto Rican, so, you know, I got some melanin, you know what I mean? You got some what? I got some of that melanin. You got some mel- You said watermelon in there. Yeah.

Oh, fuck. Looks like it. What is it that you prefer about black women over other women? What do you think it is? Black women are natural born lovers, very loyal, and they cook really fucking good, and I like to eat, so that's important to me.

Yeah, all those bacon bits. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Billy, what else? Do you have any hobbies or anything?

Besides stand-up comedy and jiu-jitsu, I do some Adderall occasionally. I like to get kind of tore up sometimes. What do you mean by tore up? I just, I'll wear this shirt. This is actually my favorite shirt. I like to get kind of tore up sometimes. What do you mean by tore up? I just, I'll wear this shirt. This is actually my favorite shirt. I like to wear this. That's my favorite shirt.

I like to just do a lot of Adderall and just get blazed up and just have a good time. You mean smoke pot? No, I wouldn't do that. Blazed up. You know, I just drink a lot. What is going on? I lost you here just a minute ago.

Something's going on. I drink a lot and I do Adder lot. What is going on? I lost your hair just a minute ago. Something's going on. I drink a lot, and I do Adderall. Okay. Do what? So how does that equal to blazed up? You smoke Adderall? No, I never snorted. I thought about doing it. I was... I've never done it yet. It's time for a new shirt. Did you think about that?

Yeah. I got to lose some weight first, man. I got to... Then I can keep it. Yeah, Billy, it's a very tiny shirt. I think I would fit in it. It's struggling. It's unbelievable. You want to trade? I wouldn't mind it, yeah. I should. I wonder if I could fit in the shirt.

Damn. I think you could. I think you could fit, man. Yeah, you could fit in that shirt. Yeah, you could do it. Why not? Let's do it. Let him take some Pepto Bismol. Fill it right. Oh, wow. He actually did do a take some Pepto Bismol. Fill it right. Oh, wow. He actually did do a shot of Pepto Bismol there.

Oh, this is incredible. Look at all the layers on this Christmas ornament that we call Tyler Fisher. The human Christmas ornament. And then we have what appears to be... This guy is literally... Oh, my goodness. Welcome to the all-new Broadway musical.

It's Meatball and Pasta. Oh, this is gonna be hilarious. This is the moment of truth right here. Turns out the shirt is huge on Tyler, by the way. Lot of space. Wow, actually. Whoa! Incredible. It looks good. That looks better than your original shirt.

Way better. Thank you. It's 40 bucks, bud. Very good. Thank you, Red Band. How do you feel right now, Billy? I am... It almost fits better. I'm the happiest I've been in a long time. This is the best.

He look like a real illegal now. Yeah. Yeah. Shit, man. What the fuck, man? Yeah. Finish the wall. He could be the wall. Frankly, he could be the wall. All those ethnicities just turned into Mexican real quick.

That is fucked up. I gotta get back to my construction job, AC. That is incredible. It took like 10 years off of you, too. You look like a little kid with facial hair now. But I've been at it 10 pounds, though. I don't, I've got the gut. You weren't tricking anybody in that show.

Ha ha ha ha. Billy, what do you like to eat? What, what, what, what, how does someone get so, uh, round? I really, I really like brisket. Um, yup. Ah. I really like, I like meat. Oh, wait a minute, Pauls.

Not that kind, not that kind. I love meat! I like meat. I love burger and pizzas and sushi and shit, you know. Wow, Red Band is hard as a rock right now. This is just everything he loves. Okay, Billy, congratulations. Fun times.

Here's a big joke book. There you go. Thank you. He really wanted to catch it. And he did. He focused there and he caught the joke book. Wow. That's my favorite, that's my favorite shirt.

Yeah. Tyler's got a new favorite shirt. Does it smell? Hey, what's up? This is Joe from Past Gas Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show. We tell the craziest stories, like the first race across America.

It was basically 45 days of hell or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper. We've been doing this podcast for over five years now and there are still so many crazy stories. It amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out Pascas wherever you get your podcasts back to the bucket we go ladies and gentlemen make some noise for you'd me Sharma you'd be Sharma thank you thank you how do it tonight folks folks? We good? Yeah! All right. See, I was drunk in Vegas one time, and what I didn't know about Vegas is that you can't

hail a cab anywhere on the strip. It has to be like a hotel or one of these designated locations. I didn't know that. So I'm trying to hail a cab, and I'm thinking they're not stopping because they're like, oh, we don't want this drunk idiot in our car. But finally, I was able to kind of hail one, And for whatever reason, my drunken mind was like, hey, go speak Spanish to this guy. Cause it'll be more amicable than giving you a ride.

So I got to his car and I was like, Señor, jode Luxor y Casita por favor. And without missing a beat, he's like, rápido cabron. I got in the car, we looked at each other and realized we're both Indian. Yeah, he's like, where do we go from here? And I was like Luxor.

Luxor still, por favor. Por favor. I'm trying to enjoy the little things in life. Like little titties. Man, I wish I had little titties. Ah, you ever go to give a woman a hug and you and her both realize at the same time you have bigger cystiss than her?

Embarrassing for everybody. Thank you. You mean Sharma. Yes sir. This is your first time on the show, correct? Yes sir. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? Two and a half years. Two and a half years. Do you always dress like an Indian magician?

I don't know. Do you always look like a gay one? Whoa! Oh, my God, he got me! Gay! Say, just say gay! I love it. Unbelievable. What do you do for work, youdmeasharma? Take a guess. Why don't you just answer the fucking question? Fair enough, fair enough. It's tech. I do tech.

Oh, who could have got it? Absolutely, Cam Patterson. I thought he sold jewelry. That's what I thought. That was my guess. I thought he sold jewelry. That's what I thought. That was my guess. I thought he sold earrings and shit. But, huh? Because it's fucking earrings, dickhead. Look at his earrings.

He does have earrings. Look at it, folks. Real cubic zirconium. You should pierce that guy's vagina with your earring, dude. So you'd meet, let's talk about it. How old are you? 37. 37.

And you've been working tech pretty much your whole life? About six, seven years. Okay. What exactly do you do in tech? So I take support for the most part. Like there's- Do you work from home? I do, yeah.

And so phone calls just come to like a second phone that you have and you help people? Usually Zoom calls, but you know. So you... Okay. It's first... I have a couple clients who... they need older clients, they need some, you know, stuff done and I'm like, yeah, I got it. Do you Indian it up when you answer those calls? Try not to. I am here to assist you.

Oh yeah. I've never heard the Indian accent before. Can you guys believe it? This might be just like, you know, this call may be recorded for us. Somehow still gay. It may be. It may be recorded for us. I'll drop it down two octaves so that you can stop thinking about my dick and asshole

for a second, you horny Indian fuck. Really don't make one of Donnie like. Do not call me girl. That is not nice, no. Very bad. No. That's my accent, that's it. So I like that.

Udmi, what's your love life like? Dating somebody, yeah. You're dating someone? You didn't get Indian there for a second. Did you hear that? I'm dating someone. D Madness, heard the word gay five times in two minutes, so he has to take a break.

He's famously homophobic. He goes back there and hits a punching bag when gays get mentioned on this show. So Udmi, what does your girl do for a living? Take a guess. She works in tattoo. She works in a hospital. Hospital.

She works at a local hospital. What does she do at the hospital? Nurse. Does she ever bring any of her drama home? You know what I mean? Like, today there was a guy who lost his arm or whatever. Sure, I'll be on again. Does any one of those stories stand out to you?

Not really, no. It's, uh... Do you have any special moves in the bedroom? Do you have anything that you do do? Are Indians known for something? Hit it with that curry ham one, nigga. That's what I was gonna say. I got a couple moves, Tony.

I don't want to show any of those to you, though. Oh, jeez. Are you gay, nigga? No is incredible. It is unbelievable. I said I don't want to show any gay. Right, because that would be gay. That would be gay. Can you describe them with words, what your, like, go-to is in the bedroom?

She's Indian as well? No. Latina. Whoa! Mostly in the Latinas. Look at you. It's not super serious. So, ladies, I'll be outside. Wow.

I love what... the confidence that you have for a guy shaped like Indian Santa Claus. It is unbelievable. I wonder if I can fit in his shirt. There's some room. Get in here. Just keep trading shirts on me. Just keep trading it?

Do you think you can fit in this shirt? You can! You can! I cannot. Come on, come on. Youdmi, play the room. No. Fuck all of you. Fuck every single one of you. Fuck every single one of you. Fuck every single one of you. Youdmi, come on, look at him.

Have some fun. He wants to play with you. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. Fuck every single one of you. Udmi, come on, look at him. Have some fun. He wants to play with you. Oh, and have this lip forever on the internet. Fuck all of you. Udmi's like... Oh, oh, come on. How about a vest jacket switch?

I'm calling tech support. We need a new fucking comedian. We need a new comedian. This podcast may be recorded for you. These jokes may be recorded. Udmi, tell us more about your life. What else are you into? What's fun about Udmi?

Udi. No, no worries. It's a... Mostly just, I'm just doing comedy for the moment. That's an H, not an M, huh? Yes, sir. Udi. Udi.

Okay. Yeah. Just doing comedy for the most part. I'm here in Austin. I'm an LA comic here for the week and did a couple shows and now I'm here. How long have you been doing stand here for the week. And did a couple shows, and now I'm here. How long have you been doing stand-up in LA? Two and a half years. The whole time in LA.

Yes, sir. Are you from LA? I am. Born and raised? Born in India, grew up in LA. How old were you when you moved to LA? Nine years old. Nine years old.

What part of LA do you live in, exactly? West LA. West LA. By the beach? By the airport? Culver City. Culver City. I know all about it. What do you love about Culver City? It's a location. It's pretty close to a store.

Have you noticed anything about LA change in the past 10 years? There were a couple of fires. I don't know if you guys heard about those. Those were interesting? No, not exactly what I'm talking about, unless you're talking about the police cars being on fire. Anything else that you've noticed about the culture? A lot has changed, by the way. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, like what?

Well, I guess it got worse for a while. After COVID, it got worse, and then it's come back up now, I think. Okay. Yeah. Crimes and shit like that, you know. You sure you're not in the valley? It looks like you direct a fat porn. Oh, well, listen, ladies.

Ladies, it's back to the ladies again. You a real horny motherfucker, huh, though? Oh, well. He really is, there's a lot of energy there. Where'd you meet this Latina that you found? Hinge. Okay, do you go a lot on the dating sites? I try to.

I don't know. Go on a lot of dates? What's your go-to move? Where do you like to take a girl on a date? Manhattan Beach. I got a place in Manhattan Beach. Go there, first date, and then do what you gotta do. It's your place?

No, no. Like a nice restaurant there. OK. What kind of food is it exactly? Pasta. Italian place. OK. Carbuncle? Sure. Thai shit? Little Sviggatel? What food is it exactly? Pasta, Italian place. Okay. Yeah.

Carbonara? Sure. Tight shit. Little schvigatelle? Hell yeah. You know what that is? A little fagatini for Tony? Oh, you son of a bitch.

Got me again. Got me. Everyone remember when he was scared to take his shirt off cause it was gonna exist on the internet forever? Fucking ever. And then I've been known as the guy, the Indian bird Cricer fucking forever. Yeah, no known as the guy, the Indian Bird Kreischer fucking forever. Yeah, no thanks.

No, not really. Dirt Kreischer. Dirt Kreischer. It was a little joke book, my friend. Congratulations. Thank you. There goes Yuhi Sharma. Thank you.

Let's fucking, let's juice up the room a little bit. You know, it's been kind of fucking, we've been missing some energy in here. I think it's time that we bring in one of the greatest regulars in this show's history, ladies and gentlemen, and an absolute anomaly. One of the, one of the, one of just the fuckin' best. Onstage, offstage, cool as fuck, absolutely hilarious.

Very soon, hopefully he, like us, will be an American citizen. But for now, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Mati. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! I'm not a So I've been trying to assimilate, fit in to the American culture. I've been trying to listen to some of your music.

Last week I listened to a whole album of Taylor Swift. Whew. What a pile of shit, huh? How is she famous? How is she doing fucking stadiums in Shanghai? Who the fuck goes to these concerts? Jesus Christ, ISIS, pull your shit together. Boom the concert.

How many letters do I have to write? You hate, ISIS hates women and gay people, dude. At a Taylor Swift concert? The homo per square meter. You blow up a Taylor Swift concert next day. Perfect society. It's like children's music, no? I have a T-shirt. What? If you're a grown woman and you listen to Taylor Swift

and I fuck you, I should go to prison. Because I'm clearly banging a mentally challenged, retarded ass bitch. No wonder she's dating a football player, you know? Only a man with CT fucking, Those two retards at home. Thank you so much. That's my time. You were all great. There it is again. The one and the only.

You too. White. Ari Mati. We love it. You too, white. Ari Mati. We love it. There is no question. Everyone agrees with everything you just said. But really, who are like... They're sick in the head.

There's people that are truly... Taylor Swift started selling tickets after the vaccine. Yep. And she ain't got no ass. Yes, no ass. I don't get that either. No ass at all. No ass.

No ass, no dick. No ass, no dick. Has there ever been, has there ever been a female star that big, like a musician that big, that doesn't have an ass? See, exactly. When I was young, it was Britney Spears. Britney Spears had an ass? Madonna maybe? See, exactly. When I was young, it was Britney Spears.

Britney Spears had an ass? Madonna's got an ass. Who did? What about Lizzo? Lizzo, Lizzo, hey look, I can hold you back. Who? Madonna don't have no ass. Oh, right man.

Wow, black man. Here are your armpits. Okay, thanks. I'd rather do Adele. Adele? Yeah. You fucking with Lizzo? Hell yeah. Lizzo, I'd rather do Lizzo than Taylor.? Yeah. You fucking with Lizzo? Hell yeah. Lizzo?

I'd rather do Lizzo than Taylor. I fucked the shit out of Lizzo now. Hell yeah, as long as I can find a home. She got skinny a little bit. She's still big, but she got a little better. Like, listen. You think she's skinny? She was fat before.

She is morbidly obese. No, she got, she look better now. Look at Lizzo right now. She's not as fat as she was. Listen. Show us the current picture of Lizzo. Back then, I would fucking not tell nobody, and I would be like, I'm gonna fuck her. I'm gonna fuck her.

I'm gonna fuck her. I'm gonna fuck her. I'm gonna fuck her. I'm gonna fuck her. I'm gonna fuck her. I'm gonna fuck her. I'm gonna fuck her. No, she got, she look better now. Look at Lizzo right now, Red Band. She's not as fat as she was. Listen. Show us the current picture of Lizzo. Back then, I would fucking not tell nobody, and I would fucking tell somebody. You know what I'm saying?

Lizzo. Talking about Lizzo, Red Band. He's trying to think of something mediocre to say, so he doesn't even know what we're talking about. They would have to slingshot you into her pussy. I'm cool with that. I'm cool with that. I'm cool with that. We're going together.

All three of us. We'll go together. She look better now. Us three could fuck Lizzo. Yeah, we could make it happen, baby. We all get on his shoulders. Yeah. Hell yeah.

That shirt's looking pretty good, Ari. Is that? What? He been stealing shirts all night, dude. Shirts off? Is that the, where what? No, he been taking shirts. I'm wearing some methanics shirt. She still fits. Oh, fuck. But you see that shit, though? With a vagina ear.

You wouldn't even believe it. She can get fucked, though. I'll fuck the shit out of Lizzo right now. Okay, y'all not with me, fuck y'all. It looks like if someone dipped Red Band in milk chocolate. It's crazy. No. Yeah, you're just thinking about how big she was before.

Well, yeah, she got a little better. Here she is right here, everybody. She was bigger. She was bigger. She was bigger. She was bigger. She was bigger. She was bigger.

She was bigger. She was bigger. She was bigger. She was bigger. She was bigger. She was bigger. She was bigger. She was bigger. It's no crazy. Yeah, you're just thinking about how big she was before well. Yeah, she got a little better She was she is right here everybody First thing he says cam fuck you I ain't say shit Taylor's got no ass Lizzo has no eyes, the world is crazy. Blimey Lizzo.

Lizzo. Yeah, she's huge. Ari Matty, what else is going on? We went to, we're doing some of those killers of Kill Tonys, you know. Oh, I hung out with Cam's family. Yeah. Dude, he's got a crazy, this is a crazy family. Oh yeah.

His dad is so funny, I call him Joe Jackson because he makes you work. Dude, he's got a crazy, this is a crazy family. Oh yeah. His dad is so funny, I call him Joe Jackson because he makes you work. Dude, at one point we did the show, we did the show, we go to the green room and Cam just wants a second after he said, he just wants a second to sit down before he go out for the meet and greet. And then his dad comes in the room, locks the door, and goes, Cam, I gotta talk to you. Cam, there's a bunch of white people out there waiting.

Get on out there and make us some money. What the fuck the whip was so rare, man? It is very true. It is your traditional, I guess it is indeed, part of the culture, much like having a big entourage. Having a dad, if you're a black dad, one thing that I've learned, and maybe this isn't everybody,

but just my own personal studies... is that if the black dad is present in the black young achieving artist's life or athlete's life, and yes, it is a big F, thanks for adding that in, that is Fox News contributor Tyler Fischer. But if they are in the young artist or athlete's successful life,

they do tend to be the one that takes the check. They kind of like, and deposits it and does everything. I asked him about that thing. He came up... -♪ Baby, we just go to the mall... -♪ -♪ Baby, we just go to the mall... -♪ Michael, what were you saying, Michael? He came to the...

He came to the show last week with a whole Gucci outfit on. Well, ZZ is 1, 2, 3. I was like, hey. All right, all right, all right. I said, hey, where you getting all this money from? And he looked me in the face and said, my investment paid off. Black rock.

That's true. That's the way when you're a black guy you can get your dad to stick around. You gotta become a global superstar. He'll be around, you know what I'm saying? Oh, they'll show up. So funny. They will show up.

I've had a couple black men pop into my life claiming to be my long lost father. Okay, Red Man. Jesus fucking Christ. black men pop into my life claiming to be my long-lost father. Okay, Red Man. Jeez. God damn. Fucking Christ. The whip three times in a row, Red Man. Crazy. It's crazy.

That shirt is so red. It is a red shirt. I found it at a second-hand store in Schneck the Daddy. Schneck the Daddy. I went to, yeah, upstate New York. Didn't know New York is that big. You know, Istate New York. Didn't know New York is that big. Dude, I was so excited to go to New York. In my head, I was like, I'm gonna be like, you know.

And then we land in Schneck the daddy and Binghamton, dude. I kept walking around Schneck the daddy asking for people which way is Statue of Liberty. Schneck the Daddy. Fuck this country is big. Where the fuck is Schneck the Daddy at? You haven't beat the chicken stitch? Schneck the Daddy.

Oh yeah. Schneck the Daddy. Schneck the Daddy. Is that a real place? Yeah. And then Bing Humpton. It's not exactly pronounced Schneck the Daddy. but I like the way Ari says it, so we're gonna stick with it.

But yeah, it's upstate New York, not far from the Canadian border probably, right? Probably an hour. No idea. I turned on Google Maps. Are those proud Canadians over there? Is that the pop that I'm hearing? Nope. Nope.

Perfect. All right, good. Is that by Rochester? Whoa, there they are. We found them. There's the upstate New York people that hate Rochester. Fuck Rochester, nigga. Oh my God, the place is chaos.

I stand on it. Upstate New York, a highly debated topic. Is it worse than hell? Uh, a lot of people know. It was bleak. Like, I asked a barista there, like a lady, I was like, so what do you... Because I was trying to figure out what the fuck...

What is it? And I was like, so, like, what do you do here? She goes, well, I'm the quarterback for the Buffalo Bills. Uh... In the offseason, I make coffee. Actually, the quarterback for the Buffalo Bills. In the off season, I make coffee. Actually, the quarterback for the Bills is cool. Josh Allen. There you go.

Not actually, yay, everybody. I know who Josh Allen is, and I didn't know what the bean was. All right. Flag on the play. Lying by the homosexual. 15-old penalty. They're down.

Yes, okay. Red pan. Lot of Red Bull for you today, huh? Jesus fucking. It's like fucking Beethoven on a soundboard over here. I don't think you need both hands, Red band. Anything else crazy, Ari, before we get back to this bucket? No, just been enjoying life. The fans are so good.

You are always rock solid with your minutes. Absolutely incredible. You've done it again. Thank you so much. Enjoy the rest of the show. Thank you. Bye. Back to the bucket we go. the rest of the show. Thank you, bye. Thanks guys. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next comedian goes by the name of Craig Baxter everybody, Craig Baxter. Here we go.

Oh hell yeah, let's go. All right. All right. Do you want to just go? I don't have to. You guys, how you doing? You guys, everybody from Austin? We got foreigners here? What do we got?

Guy on the plane doesn't even follow comedies. Like this is the place to be. Then I get here, the odds are like 8 million to 1 to be on here. I'm from a small town, man. I've never seen so many homeless people sign up for a comedy show. They don't even fit. They're like falling out of the front doors over there. What do we got here tonight?

We got how many single people we got? We got a couple. How many married people? All right, one group has hope. That's cool. You guys, you ever, uh, you ever see underwear in your trash, skip work, and file for divorce? My family left it down by the road.

The neighbors are walking their dog, calling 911 about the bodies buried next door, you know? They're posting pics on Facebook like, hashtag, buried next door, you know? They're postin' pics on Facebook like hashtag Graves Next Door, hashtag Milk Carton Kids, mystery solved, hashtag Time to Move.

I'm gonna cut you off there, Craig, before the bear steps in. Step on that red X over there. Get way over there where you should be. All right. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show, Craig. How are you? Great, how you doing?

Great, it was an okay performance. Good news, I have 438 questions to ask you right now. All right, what do you got? I love it. You are an incredible specimen. How old are you? Let's start there. 51.

51, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? About since 2013, 10 years. Okay, where have you been doing this? Under like corporate parties or something like that? Is it some kind of, where are you doing it at? Yeah, well, Eerie PA, there's not much. Eerie PA, I know it very well. Not far from where I was raised in Youngstown, Ohio.

Oh yeah? Yes, you know of Youngstown? Absolutely. About what, is that about an hour away?own, Ohio. Oh, yeah? Yes, you know of Youngstown. Absolutely. About what? Is that about an hour away? Yeah, yeah. Yep. Okay, what do you do for work in Eerie P.A.?

Quality control, food industry. Wow, what exactly are you checking? I'm checking grape juice. I used to work with salt, all kinds of stuff. Oh, I don't know if you know this, but Cam is also a grape juice quality control. It's... We can do it. Glass. I'm too drunk to respond to that right now, Tony.

How you feel about that? You like black people? Oh, absolutely. Hell yeah. Yeah. Why not? I like this guy a lot. Yeah. Why not? I like this guy.

What's the difference? He's killed a couple. It looks like... You look like the accountant for a serial killer. It really is. Does it pay? I love it. You have a real look to you.

Craig, I gotta know. I mean, there is no question. You live alone? Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, there is no question. You live alone? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah. There is no question.

I've asked almost everyone, probably about, I would have to guess 70 to 80% of all the bucket pools, I've asked if they have any hobbies. Now, I'm gonna get there, but I'm not asking yet. Let me just say that there is no doubt in my mind that not only do you have a hobby, but you have hobbies. You are the kind of guy that has a fucking room dedicated to something.

The walls are covered in it. They're in collectible film. There's something going on here. Might be trains, might be cards. Thank you, Red Band. Thank you for adding so deeply to this. Thank you even more. But Thank you for adding so deeply to this. Thank you, thank you even more. But there's no question in my mind

that you are a man of many hobbies. What are those hobbies? Hobby? Cycling, cross-country skiing, triathlons. A super athlete, I wouldn't have guessed that actually. Uh. Are you the guy that was choking out the meatball jujitsu guy earlier?

No, no. All right. Wow. So you're in good shape, huh? Well, yeah, I'm getting old, but yeah. Right. Absolutely. Well, some people are asking to take it off. Uh, this is... This is a very wild show. Wow.

How many of you guys think, uh, Craig and Tyler should trade shirts? Let's do it. You want to try this one on? Yeah, let's do a little switcheroo. Tyler has tossed me the knife. This is absolutely incredible what's happening here tonight, ladies and gentlemen. This shirt is going, what's gonna be funny is when Craig goes back across the street to the bar

and runs into fucking Remy Swice and is like, hey, where the hell'd you get, that's my favorite shirt. Wow, incredible. Tyler is getting smaller and smaller as the episode goes on. Ha ha ha. Honey, I shrunk my panel guest. Tyler is getting smaller and smaller as the episode goes on. Honey, I shrunk my panel guest. This is incredible.

Absolutely adorable, Tyler Fisher. Oh, my goodness. Wow. This is a full switcheroo. Wow. Wow. Wow. Yeah, yeah, turn around. This is incredible. Welcome to Bill and Ted's Not So Excellent Adventure.

Ha ha ha ha. Looks like Josh Potter. I don't even know which one's which now. This is incredible at this point. Somehow, somehow Craig Baxter looks young. Craig's like that hot chick on a rom-com, takes the glasses off, turns into a stud. I'm like, what are you, collect trains?

He's like, I'm a triathlete. This is incredible. Craig, you need to get the fucking LASIK, bro. All right, band, everyone settle down. Let's check in with Tyler Fisher here. I can't see shit. How do you kill those people? How do you fucking kill those people, man? No wonder he's gotta stay in shape. He's got a fucking... Hey, get back here. Do you feel different in those glasses? Yeah, dude, I feel like I want to fuck a kid. Like I want to fuck myself. I can fuck a kid. Like I wanna fuck myself.

I can't even figure it out. It's incredible. There's no doubt about it. This does look like. Right? If you didn't have facial hair, I would call the police on this duo right now, Tyler. We can catch the pedophiles.

I'll be the kid going, oh, God, I'm getting them. Come on, get them. I can't see them. I can't see them. I can be the kid. Go, oh, go. Got him! Get him! Come on, get him! I can't see him! I can't see him! I can't fuck him if I can't see him! The kid from behind, the pedophile from the front. It is unbelievable. Wow. It just looks like pedophile Halloween costume.

It's just in the bag. You go, oh, shit. Tyler, come back over here. Keep the glasses. I want to talk to Craig without his glasses. Craig, are you aware that you literally look 30 years younger without the glasses on? You look like a good, decent human being. You know, you'll probably enjoy this. The eye doctor, he said, I went in for Lasik,

he said, I can't even fix this. He wasn't even, he said, I went in for Lasik, he said, I can't even fix this. He wasn't even, he said, I've been doing this 30 years, nothing I can do. Now what does it look like? What's the difference between glasses and? Oh shit, oh shit. Scam Patterson has arrived everybody. Hey, can you give me your, hey, give me that routing number girl.

I'll do your taxes for you, don't worry about it. Makes that shit look real good, dude. It's whoopee right there, look at it. It's how I like it. What'd you say? Boy, they were outside, they really fucked up, dude. This is terrible. I could tell your eyes are bad, Craig,

by the way that you buttoned your shirt. You came in, you came in... You came in with your shirt tucked in. Now you have the eighth button up on the fourth button down. This is incredible. I would lose the glasses. You look fucking hot, man.

Is that what I look like? No. Where are my single people? Come on, people! He also looks like Macaulay Culkin on meth. This is weird, man. It is. So let's talk about it. How bad is your vision?

Can you drive without glasses? Can you? Into stuff, yeah. Oh. So it's really bad, huh? How many fingers am I holding up? Come on, real quick. How many fingers am I holding up?

I think four, but then she says, "'Cause I know you have a whole hand." I mean. Okay, let's try it again. How about now? I'm going two to four. That's a good guess. It is a very good guess.

Oh my God, what the fuck is going on? Holy Jesus fucking Christ, man. This is crazy. Holy shit. She's blind, man. This is crazy. Holy shit. She's blind, bro. Wow, you are fucking... Halfway to D Madnessland, dude. That is unbelievable.

You could be a Delta pilot. Could, I could. Yeah, I'm still fucking banned from that airline, so. So Craig, what is exactly going on with your love life? I gotta know. Like, you just haven't, what are you into? Big booty Latinas or? Yeah, that's a good choice actually. Maybe I should have gone to Miami.

I thought Austin was the place, but you know. I love this guy, man. I know, gone to Miami. I thought Austin was the place, but you know. I love this guy, man. I know, he is fantastic. Are you on like the dating apps or something? No, but that's one of my jokes. I was gonna do it, but I ran out of time. Go right ahead. Hey, you guys.

You don't need to ask him if they're on the dating apps. Just do the joke. Are you, well, that's the start of the joke. Okay, well, you can do it without. You guys on eHarmony, match.com or Tinder? I'm not a stalker. One in four people has a profile, none of them here.

That's plausible. I like, you know what I like about the dating nets? I like when women are honest, you know? When they're like, if you're married with kids and here to cheat, keep in mind, I'm a leper. That's a chick I wanna hang out with, she's spunky, you know? You just used the word spunky, nigga? Spunky.

It's 2025, you just said spunky, nigga? Oh, man, I'm a... Stand straight, brother. Oh my goodness I hate you. Dance straight brother. Oh my goodness, wait, was that your impression of a black guy? That's my, about to get an ass kicked as a white guy. We love it, we love it. We love it.

So Craig, like tell me, your last like date, what was that? Let's just go with the last one. Like where was that? How does that go with the last one. Like, where was that? How does that go down? Where do you find this person? Turn your hat backwards so we could all see your face. Fuck yeah.

You guys hot. Be honest, it was like hiking. That didn't really go anywhere. Did she make it back from the hiking trip? I heard on Facebook she did. Okay. So your last one was a hike, nothing happened there. How about the last time you got some action? Where do you find this innocent victim? In Erie? Have you seen the people in Erie? We've got like depression, snow, and diabetes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's get back to that. Okay. Yeah, the last time you got laid, when was that? Well, before my eyes went bad. I had contacts for a couple years. That was good. Let's go back to the question. Okay. Let's try it again here.

Last time you had intercourse with a living woman. Living woman. Okay. Yeah. And what about that? When was that? Ballpark. Year, 10 years.

About three years. Okay. And so was that your girlfriend at the time or something like that? Yeah, well friend from the sports. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Good-looking triathlete girl, yeah? Good-looking triathlete girl. And do you have any special maneuvers in the bedroom? Do you have any tricks to please the ladies? Like the calculator or something like that? Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Boobs.

Okay, I'm bobbing. He does look like he would touch a boob and say boobs. Boobs. Well, because you can't see him. Boobs. Yeah. Yeah, those are my boobs, Craig. It's all about the tongue.

Okay, the tongue guy. Craig flipped a coin and answered correctly. You are correct. What is your trick with the tongue? What do you do? It's all about rhythm. It's all about that. And let's see, do you have any rhythm?

Oh my, well I wasn't actually expecting that. When I said let's see, I was gonna ask, about your rhythm, I didn't realize you were, I was gonna go, let's see, and was gonna ask. But by rhythm, I didn't realize you were gonna go, let's see, and you were gonna start eating air pussy over there. Ah. Ah. Well, you might be eating ear pussy when that guy takes his shirt back.

They set you up right now, nigga. Take the glasses off and go to town on that guy's fucking ear. He's gonna let you go up on him. He has a pussy for an ear, he has cauliflower ears, it's a whole thing. Uh, okay. Man, Craig, you are such an interesting guy. I feel like I could talk to you forever.

Fun times up here. Uh, you still live in Erie? Yes. And what made you come to Austin, Texas? Kill Tony. But I mean, you just came and you signed up. This is your first time signing up. Yeah, I was just gonna do a bunch of comedy stuff,

get out of the snow. I love it. Perfect. And it worked out for you. Here's a big joke book, Craig, just because I love your interview. Andy caught the book. Absolutely incredible.

Wait, let's, hold on. Take out the glasses, and I'm gonna throw you one of these little joke books, and I want to see if you can catch it. I'm not gonna hit you in the face. I'm gonna leave it short just so you know. I just want to see if you can do it. Ready? Whoa!

Ha-ha-ha. Absolutely incredible. Here, throw that back. You don't get to keep that one. You got a big one. I'll take the hat, too. The budget is tight. We'll keep the shirt, but I'll take the hat. Here's $10. You can buy a new shirt.

I'll see you in the van. You have a new shirt. All is even. You got a new joke book. And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen, Craig Baxter. Take it easy! He had a fun time. No one needs to get murdered because he had a good time

We're all safe here tonight. Oh You know he's having that time of his life there's gonna be a grave rob tonight just a mutilated corpse of a woman being ravaged with the while his bare ass bounces up and down with never-ending triathlete cardio just fucking a corpse all night long. That is a guy that never goes out of breath and he can see police coming from six miles away. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Gawanna. Gawanna everybody.

Giawanna perhaps. Gaiwanna? Gawanna, everybody. G-Wanna, perhaps. Guy-Wanna? G-Wanna? It is inside? It doesn't say inside. Is this Gawanna? Keep coming, Gawanna. Well, you saw how it went earlier with an inside bucket

pull, I've tried to warn you. We will see how it goes again. Usually a fan that has seen the show and doesn't answer questions directly. Very exciting stuff, but anything could happen. This could be a prodigy, everybody. It could truly be the next regular or golden ticker winner. This is Gwana.

This is Guana. So I recently found out that steroids make me manic. Have you ever woke up like in this corner, standing at 5 foot 11, equipped with retort strength? It's John Cena. Cause I have, I accidentally cut my finger off in the process. Yep. That's okay, now I can go. One million dollars. Okay, now I can go... $1 million.

It's okay, I can go... Out front and lower west side! When in doubt, pinky out. And now, Pinky out. I hate this show. I hate it. We've been doing it too long. I think we beat the game. I think it's over, everybody.

It's just wild what's happening. Why you pop that ass this way? You ain't got no ass at all, man. That shit. What is going on no ass at all, man. That's it. What is going on? That's it, terrible, dog. Taylor shifty over here.

What up, guys? I just want to say I've been working on my business. Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on. Relax, relax. Hold on. You have to... You scared this young white lady. It takes time.

Hold on. It takes time. Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop. Don't cup the mic like that and just talk whenever you want. Okay, Tyler Fisher. I gotta say something. Tonight, this might be the only shirt that actually fits me. Pfft.

Okay. Guana, am I saying that correctly? Yeah, it's the feminine version of bad shit. Okay. The Guana. Oh, this bitch crazy. This bitch is an insane person. She is something else.

Guana, is that always, how long have you gone by guana? For quite a while now. Okay. So, How many times have you been to prison? Well, I was once on accident. I was 17. I was once on accident. I was 17. I was in West Virginia.

And the people I was with was a little crazy. So the jail was burnt down. And they took us to prison. And I was too afraid to call my dad. So I stayed there for like three fucking weeks. What were the people that you were staying with doing? Cam? I think she escaped.

I think she escaped. I don't think she supposed to she escaped. I think she escaped. I don't think she supposed to be free. I think this is an insane person. It's a mental patient. We need a help her right now. Why did they send you to prison at 17? I literally would not call my dad. Right, right, right, right, right.

But what was the offense that sent you? What did you do? What did the cops say that you did? They said the dog hit for marijuana on my car. Uh-huh. But they couldn't find it. But was it in there? Yeah, fuck yeah. Okay. Where was it?

Dude, okay, so, like, are you still talking about... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. See, that's, we're not doing that. I used to work at Taco Bell. Okay, okay, I will let you go. Go on. And I took the tray, and it, like, fit under my passenger seat of my car.

So perfect. Like, under the tracks that if you fell under it, it just felt like the bottom of your car. Life hack. Wow. And that, yeah, they didn't find it. I could just feel people going to Taco Bell all around the country right now

just so they could hide their marijuana in an open cardboard box so that anybody can smell it, but you cannot for the life of you find it. Facts. Facts, indeed. They thought the box was like the tray that you get when you go eat inside.

Got you. How about the second time you went to prison? No. There was no second time? No. That was it? Yeah. Okay.

I thought you said... No, well, I've definitely been to jail. Okay. How about that? That's a great point. I am saying prison. Like a savage over here. I just assume you're at a full-time prison.

But what have you been to jail for? Let's name some more fun offenses here. They're not fun though. Okay. It's serious shit. Okay. Well, I'm glad you learned your lesson for sure. Okay Well, what were the what were the offenses that sent you to jail?

Yeah, well I fucking tried to kill myself, okay Everyone relax, oh, I told you this bitch escape. It's wild Three sound effects at once. Why did you crash that plane in Toronto? Well. Hold on. Okay. When did you try to kill yourself?

Is it like in 2021. Okay. That's very recent. What happened? So long story short, I was like on a bunch of meds from the doctor trying to get my mental health right. And my friend at the time, my best friend since like my whole entire life, she was trying to do the same thing.

But she fucking took her life. Gone. Gone. Your friend killed herself. Yeah. Gone. And we were like trying really hard to get her meds right. No matter what we did, it didn't work. And she's gone. And I couldn't handle it, and I wasn't handling myself well,

and I tried to do the same thing out of, like, not thinking correctly and not... Got it. How did you try to do it? How did you try to kill yourself? So I took, like, 45 Xanax bars. No lie. Two less than tonight. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. And I like, uh...

I could overdose on this, I'm so small. What do you do for work now, Guana? So I'm an artist. Okay, what kind? Like a really awesome artist. I love art. Good. Yeah.

Tattoo artist, I do art. And, uh... Okay. I door art. Yeah, tattoo artist, I do art. I door dash. You do what? Door dash. You do door dash. She don't got no pinky, but she a tattoo artist. People, well you're probably right handed, right? It's my right hand.

Oh shit, okay. Okay, look how big my hands are first of all. Hey. Whoa. I'm a working man hands. I can do a lot of shit with these girls. What's up? You also have working man's face, Guana.

Let's talk about it. Okay, we're having fun here. You could actually afford to lose half a finger. Yeah. Guana, let's go through the pinky slicing moment here. How did that happen? So I was using a chainsaw attachment on an edge grinder, carving out a giant, like, tree stump that I got off this guy's property

that he had out in the trash. And I took it to my house, it was like 8 million thousand pounds, and this guy was like, here. And I, like, used a chainsaw, and I cut it up in pieces, and then I was, like, carving it out, making cool art. And I had glasses and everything and it just hit a knot in the wood and slipped back and took it off.

Okay, that was a long way to get there. Kowana, let's talk about it. What else do you do with your life when you're not doing art or? Everything. Let's just rattle some things off. I like to sing. I play guitar. I do art. You sing? What do you like to sing?

Yeah, I do everything. And I did learn how to replay the guitar without my finger. You did? Yeah. Your finger's still longer than mine, and I got the full thing. That is incredible. Would you guys like to switch pinkies for the rest of the night? I would kill for a pinky that big. You should finger that guy's ear with that fucking pinky.

Cauliflower ear, this shit is hot. It's tight as fuck. You actually... Wow, that's incredible. Knowledge is power. Okay. Wait, no, okay. incredible. Knowledge is power. Okay. Wait, no, okay, you were on the inside tonight. You've been to the show tonight.

How did you end up here? I waited outside since like 3 p.m. Yeah, for standby tickets, and I went and signed up, and I did all the things, and I met all the people, and I had a great, amazing, amazing time, fun. Well, I'm glad that you had fun, Guana. How exciting. Here's a little joke book.

Yeah. All right, we're having fun here tonight. It's a wild bunch, ladies and gentlemen. I don't know. There used to be... How about another hand for the lovely Heidi? Am I right everyone? My goodness.

Saging the room after Guana was up here. Reactivating our... All right, your next bucket full goes... We still having fun out there? Make some noise for Chris Berlin everybody. Chris Berlin, here we go. ["Sexism"] You know who doesn't like sexism? Fat, ugly chicks.

I watched this lady come out of a plant store carrying a giant bush. I said, I see you. She said it's for my living room. I said, so is mine, queen. My pronouns are G-F-Y and U-S-A. Thank you, that's my time. Okay, Chris Berlin. That was funny. How are you doing, Chris?

Chris, stop fucking shaking Cam's hand. Cam, relax. Jesus Christ. What is this, the handshake show? What the hell's going on over here? Chris, stand right there. Hello, how are you? I'm well, thank you. How long you been doing stand-up? On and off since 2005.

Okay, why off sometimes? I play music as well. What do you do musically? I play drums. You play drums. Oh my god. Let's just wait a second here. Hold on everybody. Hold on. Hold your horses. And Tony, listen, so it's interesting. From COVID, I got COVID shots and it did something to my shoulders. I've lost all momentum in my arms from COVID vaccines.

Okay. Really? Yes. And he's got no fingers. Okay. No, I have fingers, but... Yep. Okay.

Okay. So, are you being serious? I am. I'm dead serious. Did they shoot it in both shoulders? They did. Really? What made you get a second one?

Well, no, no, no. And listen, so, so... When I went for the vaccine... Are you fucking with me? Is this, like, an MSNBC prank show or it's, like, Trick-A-Patriot? No. Listen. Listen, when I went to get the COVID shot, they also gave me some flu shot.

They said, we're gonna split it up into two vaccines, put one in each arm. And I was like, that sounds smart. It was not. And probably like 18 days later, I lost all momentum. Like, it debilitated. I was a big surfer. I mean, just, it changed my life.

It changed my life. So you can't play the drums anymore? No. Wow. That is so life. So you can't play the drums anymore? No. Wow. That is so sad. There you go. There's a little Mexican music.

All right. So did you notice any other side effects, Chris, other than losing use of your shoulders probably? No. Okay. Where do you live? Talk right into the tip of that microphone. I live in Austin now. Okay. When did you move here Talk right into the tip of that microphone. I live in Austin now. Okay, when did you move here?

I moved here in July. And where were you before this? San Francisco. San Francisco, I was gonna guess that. I should have just fucking done it. What do you do for work? I'm a creative director. Creative director, so what are you creatively directing?

I creatively direct a podcast and I work for a gaming company. Okay. What do you do for the gaming company? I do live comms. So everything that comes out of the gaming company, I'm the mouthpiece. Okay. All right. The mouthpiece. What is it? What exactly do you mean by that? Well, I put on a show every day. We put out, I put out a daily show. You play games? No, I report the news. What kind of news? It's crypto news. Crypto news, okay. How's that going for you? You making money in crypto? Dude,

cryptos, the best advice if you are a crypto trader is remove the firearms from your house. I'm telling you, like, crypto, like, dude, they took my phone away, and in the last five minutes, it's gone down another 20%. Like, I'm, it's no bueno right now. It seems like a very shaky industry, right? Dude, I believe in it. I believe in it. Why? Explain to us all, I believe in it. I believe in it.

Why? Explain to us all why you believe in it. We very rarely talk about creepy. Okay, and just super quick. So, Solana, to me, Solana's amazing and it's built for daps. Is this your little sister, Cam? Who's Solana, exactly?

We love Solana. That's one of the Destiny's children. It's, so, Tony, the easiest, the easiest way that I can explain it is, think of, think of Wells Fargo as a bank. That's a centralized application. If you want to send, let's say, money to Mexico, you have to go through a bank.

You got to do all this shit. Through my cleaning lady. I give it through my cleaning lady. Like whatever it is, right? When you're dealing with crypto, it's person to person. There's no central organization. Well, that seems trustworthy. How could that ever go wrong? Are you doing pump and dumps? Is that what you're doing? Like all that bullshit? No. No. What do you do? Do you just hope to get lucky? You just trust another human?

No, we're building an ecosystem. Okay. Forget it. Chris, what do you do for fun? I'm a... I was a musician for my entire life. I'm a surfer, an artist. I paint. I do all kinds of things. Your arms... For a guy with shoulder injuries, you're moving around like a fucking, like one of those inflatables that he used car lot.

You're like, I lost use of my shoulders years ago. I can't play the drums. I can't surf. I can't do anything, Tony. I wish I could tell you more. You got to meet with RFK Jr. I don't think you're a vaccine injury. I think you're just retarded. You know, I hate to say it.

I really hate to say it. As ret know? No, I hate to say it. I really hate to say it. As retarded AIDS, I really hate to say that. Sorry, Cheryl. RFK, how do you feel about this? This is exactly what you've been talking about, you and everyone else with common sense. It's about the vaccines. I'm not anti-vax, I'm anti-retardation.

What do you think he should do? What are you, do you have any exercises? I would do a couple shots of Pepto-Bez all. And stop being such a pussy. Chris, have you tried playing the drums since this injury? No, I haven't. It kind of seems like you can. Alright, let's do it. Do you guys believe in miracles, everybody?

Whoo! Here's the drum solo from Chris Beskin. Oh, okay. Michael has a great idea. Very rarely do I take my band seriously at all, but I heard Michael's idea, and it sounds fantastic. Ladies and gentlemen, this will be the black blind drum-off, everybody. This young gentlemen, this will be the black blind drum off everybody. This young man, Chris Beskin, is going to do a drum solo.

And then D Madness, blind, is going to do a drum solo. Ladies and gentlemen, going first, this is Chris Beskin. If he wins this competition, he will have to lose his eyesight. Oh fuck! Oh my god. We may have already. He just fell over.

Fun fact, that was not D Madness that fell over. That was the guy with bad shoulders. And here is a drum solo from Chris Baskin. Okay. It's okay. All right. Okay. It's okay. There you go. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right. It's okay, there he goes. Chris Beskin, everybody wants to see the blind guy do it.

Get up, Chris. Get up. Get up, Chris. Watch your head on the microphone there, Chris. Here he goes. You've never seen anything quite like it, ladies and gentlemen. This is one of those moments where a guy with barely any mobility in his shoulders is about to get publicly embarrassed in front of millions by a blind guy playing the drums. Welcome to my

little freak show that I call Kill Tony, everyone. D Madden is getting into position. Somehow nailing the landing better than Chris Beskin. He is in his seat. And ladies and gentlemen, this is the one and only. He's making some adjustments here. This is indeed D. Madness, everyone. Ladies and gentlemen, wow, ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, and PrizePix proudly presents another episode of Killtoni. That is D-Madness, ladies and gentlemen, undisputed, undefeated,

the grand champion of Kill Tony, the Mac Daddy of them all, laughing his ass off. He fucking loves it. Bitch-ass having no shoulder, having ass bitch. He's just talking shit the whole way to his seat. Show bitch-ass shoulders. Chris, I'm sorry, are you hurt over there? You look, oh my God.

Now people, the fucking internet's gonna be like, God damn it, Tony fucking, Tony and his ego made that innocent guy play drums and now he's a victim. Tony hurt that guy while he was living his dreams. Are you okay, Chris? We're good, right? We're good, we're good.

Okay, I'll give you an aspirin after this. That's no good, Bill, cooking up in the front here. So Chris, tell us something else crazy about your life. You seem like an interesting guy. You seem smart and cool. I loved the set. I really did. I appreciate it.

You know what? Life is crazy. I mean this is in all earnestness. Life is crazy and there's ups and there's downs and it's important, it's important to to keep going. And if you're chasing your dreams, remember that you're a disappointment to somebody. I love that. Chris, here's a big joke book. Thanks for coming on the show. Great stuff, great spirit, great energy. You're good. You're good, you're good.

You're good. There goes Chris Beskin, everyone. Adorable. Another perfect example of... Big Pharma's... Anyway, let's just keep it moving along here. This is a one-word name. Those are usually very fun.

Let's see what happens. Make some noise for Longoria, everyone. Longoria. So I was looking for parking just earlier before the show, and I stopped at the red light down on Trinity, and I looked to my left and there were two gay guys kissing and I thought to myself good for them good for them I keep driving right I come to another red light out here and again I looked to my left two lesbians kissing and And I think to myself, nice, very nice.

The light turns green and I keep driving. And I come to another red light. And I really wish I was making this up because right there, a good friend of mine, another comic by the name of Joe Feile, he pulls up right up next to me on a Harley. And, you know, it's a cool bike, but my guy's riding bitch-holidot

to another guy's waist. And before I could even think, I was already, hold on tight, you wouldn't want to fall, you fucking... ... Longoria. Okay. You wouldn't wanna fall, you fucking...... Longoria. Okay. Fun.

Good. How long you been on stand-up? Exactly a year. Exactly a year. We'll give or take exactly a year. You're a funny guy. How old are you? 32. 32. What do you do for work? I work with dogs. I'm a dog groomer.

You're a dog groomer? Yes, sir. Incredible. Do you have any tricks to getting dogs to calm down or to stop barking or anything? That's actually my specialty. Yeah, you're like the dog terrorist or something. Yeah, yeah. Calm down, f***ing poodle.

I do call them asshole a lot and bitch. How do you, what is your secret to calming dogs down? Well, I have a mobile salon so that helps a lot. Like from Dumb and Dumber? Yeah, pretty much. Not as cool though and I just, I take my time. And sometimes I don't really get anything done and I have to come back to them maybe like in a couple weeks or so. And well, I mean these are very, like very aggressive dogs that I work with. Like

today I had two dogs and I almost died like 50 times. They were like two. What kind of dogs were they? They were Pyrenees. Great. I don't know. Matt Muehling, dog aficionado. Matt Muehling is cracking up over there. He reads, it's a small breed. Matt says it's a very small breed. Is this true? Wait, I'm really high so I might be thinking of the wrong breed. No, you're right. Matt's wrong. This dog is fucking huge. Yeah, they're like 200 pounds. You pictured a Pekingese. Pekingese is the tiny dog, yes.

I got that. Mr. Me, Mr. Not-Know-Anything, Mr. Bean. I knew it was Pekingese. I had a Pekingese once. Back in the day. So these dogs were huge. What were they trying to do to you? Did they think you were one of them? Yeah, pretty much. That's what I do. I kind of like integrate into them. You smoke a lot of pot? Yeah. After work.

Look at his fucking shirt, man. Yeah. It's wild. It's badass glass. It's a donkey with gold teeth. You 100% Mexican? Half Mexican and half Arab. Right. Boom.

What's the Arab half? Egyptian. OK. And your mom is the Mexican? Dad's the Egyptian? My mom's the Egyptian. My dad's Mexican. Where do they meet?

How many kids do they have? Just me and my sister. Oh, I'd admit. So they still together? Yeah. They love each other. So I'm fucking how? I mean, they're still together.

Did they ever tell you how they met? How that came to be? Not really. Mexican and an Egyptian. So interesting. What does your dad do for work? He's a farmer. Wait.

Yeah. Yep, he's the Mexican. That would be the farmer. How about your mom? Does she have a job? She used to be a teacher? She does taxes and stuff like that, yeah. That's Egyptian.

That's an Egyptian thing. Okay, what do you do for fun when you're not taking care of the dogs and everything? Well, I mean, I have four dogs of my own. So, I don't know, I just hang out with them and then I try to do comedy as much as I can. And that's about it. I don't really blame any-

What are the dogs' names? What are the four dogs' names? My dogs. Yeah, your dogs. It's both Gideon, Sadie, and Kalachi. Kalachi? Yeah, Kalachi. What do you think a Kalachi is, Cam? Oh, I know what that is.

That's a pastry, ain't it? That is a pastry, yes. I'm getting caught in my pastry. I've rattled off a lot of pastries. I be around the world now, so I be seeing shit now, but I know what a kolache is, nigga. How do you spell it? Fuck you.

Hell, dawg. See you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You have a girlfriend Longoria? No. Okay. You go out on dates ever? Sometimes. You get girls back to your place? Are they overwhelmed by the dogs? No, I have four dogs. Fuck that. Right. Your place is you and the dogs.

Yeah, it has to be their place or... And it's a van. No. I forgot about that. It's a very nice apartment with a yard. Okay. all right. No girls allowed though. No girls allowed?

No. Right. It's a club. It's a boys club. What are the breeds of the dogs that you have? It's two terriers and then two shepherds mixed. Like a husky, one's more of a husky and one's more of a German shepherd

and then a border terrier and like a West terrier. Okay, so it's like you have terrorist. Yeah. All right. What's a fun fact about you or your life that would surprise us? Oh, I grew up playing hockey. Really?

Yeah. I'm a Mexican hockey player. Yeah, goalie. Really? Yeah. Wow. Yeah, goalie. Really? Yeah. Wow. There's no walls. Open ice.

I am the wall. Normally your people avoid ice at all costs. Nice. Is that right? Nice. Longoria, fun times. I liked your jokes, man. I don't know what's times. I liked your jokes, man. I don't know what's good.

I already have one, dude. You do? You've been on before? Fuck yeah, I was on. You just weren't wearing the hat last time? Exactly, yeah, no hat. No hat. What's under there?

I'm curious to know. Fucked up ears. My hat. Wow. There it is. Incredible. All right. Longoria, thank you so much.

There he goes again, Longoria. He's already got a big joke book. Thank you. All right, ladies and gentlemen, I think we should put a ribbon on it. We've had a fun episode. We've had a blast. There's only one way to end an episode like this, if you ask me.

And it is with one of the greatest regulars in the entire history of the show, an icon, a man who God himself says has a greater healing touch than him, a man who is known for not only discovering America, but figuring out that the earth is round and that, all right, it is the Memphis Strangler, the vanilla gorilla, the big red machine, this is William Montgomery, everybody. -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah because she gave birth to a black baby. And weirdly enough, the exact opposite thing happened to my mother.

When she saw me come out, she said, oh, hell no! Oh. No. North Korea has outlawed eating hot dogs. Apparently real dogs were getting their feelings hurt. California Congressman Eric Swalwell, the guy who was fucking a Chinese spy, said Trump is responsible for the recent plane crashes. Uh, no Eric, that would be Hillary

Clinton. Hooters is thinking about filing for bankruptcy. They're trying to decide whether to file a chapter 7, a chapter 11, or a chapter 36 double D. Okay that's my time. Ladies and gentlemen take note that the one of the best sets of the night came from the man who's done it more than anybody else hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times. Thank you so much, Tony. I'm feeling stronger than ever on the fucking row machine. I'm now up to 91 miles since February 3rd. I am not stopping that.

I will say, you seem very present. There's a little bit of snap in your step today. You seem rested. Yeah, I'm feeling really good. And I swore I would not even bring this up, but last time I was talking, I was having the issues with not being able to doodoo. And now recently, I've been drinking on prune juice,

which is like a miracle drink. I've been drinking big cups of it. And oh, my God, my stomach's hurting right now, Tony, from how much I have to shit. Wow. We have some Pepto Bismol, if you'd like some. Where do you get this prune juice from? Bit Randall's. Okay, that's a very specific answer.

It's not in the freezer, not in the fridge section, just by the other juices. Right. And is it from Concentrate or pure prune juice? I think pure prune juice. I think, I can't think of the brand. It doesn't really matter. How does it make you feel when you're on the toilet and the prune juice has shown mercy on you?

Well, two days ago, Tony, I swear to God with the... and I think I've said this all before at one point, but the... how it was jettisoning out of my asshole. It was making the loudest... like, it sounded like a jet noise, Tony. And I'm holding on to the toilet. What did it sound like? Can you do an impression of... Pfft.

Wow. Yeah, something like that. It's a tiny... Pfft. And I'm thinking, hold on, I've been drinking a bunch of water. I thought water comes out from your, what, bladder. I'm thinking, how's all this liquid in my colon or my butt area?

So that part I didn't understand. Because when you drink water, isn't that in your... It's like your front part, right? There's liquid in my colon or my butt area, so that part I didn't understand. Because when you drink water, isn't that in your, it's like your front part, right? Well. So if you drink a bunch of water and you pee because it's in your front part, but is it the colon or whatever in your back part?

So do you think the food goes in and to the back and the liquid goes to the front? That's what I was thinking about. That's what I think my conclusion was coming to. Is it not two different places it goes to? Well, the prune juice is a liquid, right? Yep. And then you have your club soda that you love so much to drink.

Yeah. There's a lot of that. And then there's the water that you drink when you're working out, right? Yes. Now that you're rowing. Yep. So there's a lot of liquid.

So it would make sense that it was, okay. It actually goes in your blood. The liquid goes in your blood and then it gets redistributed. Yeah, it goes in and then it goes to your blood. Water goes to your blood and then it gets redistributed by, uh... The water has a weird flow. I looked this up recently. It's creepy when you figure out. Yeah, look, look it up.

Oh, Redban has to... Dude,.ca. All right, very good, yes. Cracking himself... Redban, have you been doing better? I can't tell if you look okay or not. Because now when I was doing real bad, I was wanting to make fun of you

because I was not feeling good about myself, but now I feel so much better. Now I'm worried about it. Are you doing okay? Okay. All right, I'm back everybody. About 90% of... It's kind of a tough question.

It's fucking Google. You see that Delta plane that crashed? Yikes. Because the day we saw each other at the airport was the day I got banned for life from Delta, and then now they're crashing all the time. How do you explain that, Tyler? Just a little update.

I'm a pilot now, if y'all didn't know that. Wait, what do you think ice would go? Oh, my gosh, that's a really good question, right? I've never even thought about that. If I ate ice? Good question. I got to think about it. I don't really know. God. And Tony, you would have been so proud of Cam and Casey and I. We were in our first Hollywood movie.

Yeah. Tony, you would have been very proud of us. Yeah. Tell us more about that, William. I don't know. It was fun. It was not a lot of pressure. It was a pleasure to be with Cam and Casey.

Not a lot of lines. So the pressure wasn't on. So we'll see. I can't fucking up a lot. Yeah, but you did good though. You did good. We had three lines. It took four days.

Because reading is hard. I don't know if y'all know that or not. What are they? Can you recite them? I don't know. I don't know if they can. Can we do that? Remember some?

I don't know. It was kind of crazy. I was a little pissed. It literally, we were supposed to be there for seven hours. It was four fucking days. It was not saying this shit Correctly, it was a word that would just kept fucking me up. No No with carpal tunnel carpal tunnel hard word cam couldn't say carpal I could say carpal tunnel for fuck man two words carpal tunnel is two words It has a front and a back.

I thought it was together. Two words? Yeah. Oh, I'm a dumb ass. I ain't cool. Good to know. Yes. Thank you, John.

Whoever said spelling, I kill your grandma, nigga. I swear to God. Spell grandma. I can to God. Spell grandma. I can spell grandma. This is fun. G-A-R-A-M. Oh my god. Oh, G-A-R-A-D-M-A.

Yep, grandma. No. That's my grandma. Grandma. Grandma. Gram crackers. I might have been drinking a little bit. Fuck y'all, man.

Life is good. Your grandma has carpal tunnel. I'm a grandma. Gram crackers. I might have been drinking a little bit. Fuck y'all, man. Life is good. Your grandma has carpal tunnel. I can smell carpal tunnel. You don't believe me? Here we go, ladies and gentlemen. Wait, it's two words, right? All the cash on the table.

Yeah. But we'll ignore the space. We'll just know. Are you matching it? Oh, he's out cashing it. Oh, he definitely knows how to spell it. He's out cashing me. Oh, John's in on this somehow.

Cam has $35 bills. Why do you have so many $5 bills? I was like, holy shit, what does he have, $30,000 bills? You going to a fat strip club or something? Yes. All right, listen, I got it. Carpool tunnel. Wait, so it's two words, right?

First one, carpool. See, I know that's the thing that you drive in when you have more than one person in the car with you. I go to the carpool tunnel. Laughter I got it. Hold up. Here it go. C-A-R... carpool...

P? Yep. H? No. H. H. No. H1. It's over. Flugerville?

It's over. What? There's no car-ful. Let me do it. I got it. Hold on. Give me a second. I got it.

Here we go. C-A-R-P-A-L. That's carpool fuck, nigga. Yeah, that's one word. Here we go. Tunnel. Tunnel is easy. Here it go. Sure.

T-U-N-N, fuck you bitch. E-L. Is that it? That's it? Carpal Tunnel. Are you done guessing? I got the rest up here, go. F-U-C-K-N-I-G-G-A.

Carpetunnel, fuck, nigga, hell yeah. I love a good old black spelling bee. I don't know what it is, I just love it. Goes down easier than prune juice on a Monday evening. William, anything else going on crazy you wanna let us know about? You're repping the fucking, the burnt orange today? Just, yeah, I'm starting to write,

they had, came out with the Boxcar Children. It was a bunch of books. I'm starting to write my first book and it's loosely based off the Boxcar Children, Tony. That's what I've been spending a lot of my time doing. It's kind of like a children's book. I feel like I could maybe sell a lot more if it's for kids. So we'll see how it goes.

I'm really looking forward to that. How are your parents? Well, I just got a message from my mother that my dad's taking her to the emergency room right now. It's for the diverticulitis, I pray to God. Oof. Yeah, literally 10 minutes ago, got the text message and my mom saying she loves all of us.

And I'm just trying to think, bitch, I'm about to go on fucking stage. At least wait till after I get off to tell me you're dying. No, but I think she's okay. Yeah, I hope so. I hope. We love Francis. We love Larry.

It's harder to look up where water goes when it enters the body than you would think. Yeah. It's kind of rough. Yeah, goes in your blood crazy, right? Then gets back out again. Goes through a thing, through, like, your intestines, and then into your blood, and then back out again.

Where's sweat come from? That's it. That's that, too. Yeah. It's all... There's osmosis. There's a lot that goes into it. Osmosis Jones. A lot of people don't know this, but I am... A lot of people don't know this, but I am smarter than a Canadian doctor.

So, uh, it's a thing that's going on in the world. A lot of people are asking, are you smarter than a Canadian doctor? And I am. What the fuck? Tony A. Never gonna stop being smarter than a Canadian doctor! There goes William Montgomery. Express, BBN, Cifra Good or Pride Spicks. TylerFisher.com,

CamPatterson.com, William Montgomery is on tour, Cam's on tour, Tyler is on a national tour. One more time for Tyler Fisher, everybody. Cam Patterson, everyone, the living legend is here, the drawing from Ryan J. Ebert is in. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there tonight. Oh, it's Cam Patterson. Look at that. That looks just like him. That's what Cam looks like. And the king of $5 bills. Abe Lincoln would be proud if he could see his face on all those bills. He would be like, that's why I freed him. Happy Black History

Month, nigga. Whatever he just said for sure. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, Red Band. Check out Sunset Strip, ATX.com, secret show every Thursday. High ceilings, big laughs, they've got it all over there. And we love you. We are doing fun things.

I'm all over the road. Kill Tony. Everything. It's all happening, people. We'll see you soon. Love you. Good night. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. you you