KILL TONY - #711 - ANDREW SCHULZ + DERIC POSTON

Episode Date: March 18, 2025

Andrew Schulz, Deric Poston, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 03/03/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Protect your online privacy TODAY by visiting https://expressvpn.com/killtony Try ZipIntro FOR FREE at https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony. Download the Prizepicks app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup! https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY OpenPhone is offering our listeners 20% off of your first 6 months at https://openphone.com/killtony. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, y'all.

The No. 1 live podcast in the world is going back out on the road again. Our first time since Madison Square Garden of last year. Truly traveling. As you probably know, Night 2 of Nashville sold out, but you can still get tickets for Night 1, truly traveling. As you probably know, Night Two of Nashville sold out, but you can still get tickets for Night One, April 4th. There is also the London 02 Arena. Massive, massive arena. It's our only show in Europe. That is June 7th. I'm doing stand up comedy in some arenas like the Maverick Center just outside of Salt Lake City, Utah, April 18th, Reno, Nevada, the Grand Theater,

the Honda Center in Anaheim, California. I can't believe I get to go all the way back to the West Coast to do standup in a legendary arena like that in Anaheim, May 9th. Resorts World in Las Vegas, May 10th, announcing this week, Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun, I'm doing standup on July 11th, Edmonton, Canada, July 18th, Vancouver, September 14th, and if you're a wrestling fan, I will be hosting the Roast of WrestleMania Sunday night, 420 after night two of WrestleMania right there in Vegas. Huge guests, huge surprises.

Make sure you check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club on 6th Street and of course the comedy Mother Ship. Shows will be going on sale soon for another big Monday release. We love you. God bless America. Enjoy the show. I'm gonna go get some food. Hey, this is Redman, coming to you live from the Covini Mothership here in Austin, Texas. Get up for Tony Hitchcock! ["Hitchcock's Night of Their Lives"] Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yoo-hoo! Fuck yes! And how loud can this place get for the best damn band in all the fucking land? Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, and Big Mike, Michael Gonzalez on the drums.

A legend of the show joining us on trumpet, the Jet Ski Jesse Johnson. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom. The great Matt Mueling is on the electric guitar. John Dease on the keys. And that is indeed live in the flesh. The one and only D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God. We are going to have so much fun tonight.

Before I get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. We bet you didn't know. Our new train's panoramic windows are ideal for contemplating whether texting them back so soon was the best decision. Get on board. Via Rail. Love the way.

After you pulled a door that said push, and before you waved back to someone who wasn't waving at you, there was a moment when everything went just right. The new Cinnamon Swirl from McCafe, a deliciously tasty swirly moment of bliss. Add a $1 plus tax small premium rose coffee to your Cinnamon Swirl today and take a moment. At participating McDonald's restaurants in Canada, product availability varies by restaurant.

Prices exclude delivery. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Well you're in for a treat. Luckily I booked this show and every single week I have two of the funniest human beings in the world on. This week is an extra special one because we don't always get to see our dear, dear brothers from the other places, New York, Los Angeles, as much as we'd like, especially the few that we really love from New York and Los Angeles.

Ladies and gentlemen, two of my dear brothers, two of the most successful comedians out there. One has the newest special on Netflix. It's called life. Your guests tonight are Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston. Oh my God. Yes. Live in the flesh. Make some fucking noise for Andrew Schultz and Derek Poston here in Uxdon, Texas. Schultz with the newest special on Netflix. It's called Life. Derek has a new special on Don't Tell Comedy

coming April 16th. This is very, very exciting to have you guys. You've been on this show before. Derrick's my fucking homie from the green room here in the mothership, taking over Austin, Texas, one of the funniest people in the world. Say hi, Derrick. That applause was for me, I'm sure.

I'm sure all of that was for your boy. You know what I mean? You fucking white niggas, let's party. And the great and powerful Andrew Schultz back. Hello, everybody. Back on this show. First time back since Madison Square Garden. That's right.

That's right. Party we're having here. And life is good. You guys have been on the show before. You know what's going on. Over 270 souls signed up for the opportunity to get picked out of this bucket. I'm gonna have this guy with pubes for a beard.

Wow, right off the fucking top. What a simple man you are, just the first thing. Ooh, that's a weird looking name. This'll be fun. While we go wrangle that person, and you guys know how it works, they get 60 seconds, you know your time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry vest all they would bear. While they go wrangle that person from across the street, we are going to start the show with one of our greatest regulars in the history of Kill Tony. Is that okay? Ladies and gentlemen, you know, now that I'm part of the current administration of the United States of America, a lot has changed. And one of the things is, is we are scurrying around

to get this man his American citizenship. Tonight's show will begin with the stylings of the one and only Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matty. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! There's no porn in Texas. Give me back my porn. I'm a little on edge. Don't look at me weird when I'm on the bus waiting now. I gotta get my release. I love how some of my friends are like, yeah you can watch porn in Texas,

all you gotta do is get a VPN. Yeah, I'm just trying to beat my dick. all you gotta do is get a VPN. Yeah! I'm just trying to beat my dick. I'm not Edward Snowden. I'm trying to get my belly button full of cum. I'm not trying to rig an election. Ha! Dude, the first time you go to watch Pornhub in Texas

and you see that fucking message come up, it's fucking weird. You got your lotion ready, dick hard. All of a sudden you're like, elected officials. Legislation? And I've read the whole message. If you scroll to the bottom of that message, you actually find out that you can watch Porn Hub in Texas. All you gotta do is get age verification. And that means you gotta send a picture to Pornhub

of your face holding your ID. Yeah, I'm not gonna do that. It's not like the porn I watch is illegal. But, uh... Ha-ha! I definitely need to explain it. Ha-ha! Thank you so much.

There it is. Ari Mati has done it again. We did it. Indeed, porn is strangely illegal here. There's a lot of sites that work, but the big main ones don't. And it is very odd. I love that.

It's a bummer, yeah. It is. The premise is unbelievable. Just to let you know, it's not exactly Edward Snowden that you have to be. All you have to do is sign up at ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony, and you can get an extra four months free. And you just have to click one button.

You just fire up the app. You don't have to do that. And it works on all devices, phones, laptops, tablets, and more. But yeah, I get it. It is weird. And you have to go to some janky porn sites. I've been to some janky, janky...

Yeah. Yeah. Dude, I'm like 15 again. I jack off the GIFs on Twitter now. It's fucking... Dude, all I need is three pictures, I'm good. Fucking... Yeah. Fucking dark out here.

It is. In the dark web. It is. Oh the dark web. It is. Oh, Demadness agreeing that all the webs are dark to Demadness. What do you use? A laptop, an iPad, your phone? What are you on now?

I'm a laptop guy, you know. Clicking away. Yeah, but I mean the phone is there too, you know. Yeah. Whatever is the quickest way. You ever do both? You ever do both laptop and phone have a little threesome? Holy shit no. But I do remember when I was younger I would watch like UFC and porn just back to back.

I gotta tell you it really fucked my brain up. Because now I can't come without Joe Rogan yelling And it is all over oh my god he's hurt What he needs to do here is flip his leg to the other side you're wonderful you're beautiful you're amazing You got Joe on the line live A good friend here in Austin, Texas. Yeah, I used to watch porn and UFC at the same time, but I just watched. This is the point.

You need to get into guys on top of each other, because I would just watch the UFC and ejaculate. I wouldn't need the porn on at all. Yeah. OK, didn't get the laugh that I thought it would. Seemed more like a confession than a joke. And let's just keep rolling with the show. All right.

I guess I'm a gay f***. Okay. Nobody laughed. They're just like, okay, yeah, what's next? Tony, are you gonna ask Ari a question or something? Like we know. We know Tony. Dude, the amount of times I get the question, are you really gay from dudes on These Killers of Kil-Tone?

It's the number one question. Nobody gives a fuck about my visa. Everybody cares about... And by the way, if you ask me whoever is gay, I'm gonna say he's gay. Just so you know. Yeah, it's true. I love it. So, Ari, just so you know. Yeah, it's true. Ha ha. I love it. So, Ari, how has the road been?

What else is going on in your world? I was in Philadelphia this weekend, you know. The eagles. They are a loud people. They are aggressive. Loud, yeah. I was in Atlantic City an hour away from Philly, and they're doing the fucking... They're spelling out eagles better than their own mayor does. Yeah, they did that too.

Right there. They did that too. Just grown men. Yeah. No job, no nothing. Yep. I tried, oh, I tried to, when I went to Philadelphia, you know, I'm a big sauna guy. There's no saunas in Austin.

I'm a big sauna guy. And I was trying to find these Russian saunas. In America all the saunas, like the number one struggle is if I can tell if it's a gay sauna because the gay people like own saunas here huh? Yeah I do. So then I just had to go to like, I found like a sauna place near the hotel, but I was fucking lurking outside just to see like who walks out, you know. Meanwhile, there's some guy down the block watching you lurking at the place like, oh, that's definitely a gay sauna. Look at that dude out there fucking just waiting for dick. That is funny.

Just a lot of guys with newspapers around the fuck. It's like the meme with the guy peeking from behind the tree. Just. But I didn't go in, I was scared. Cause I saw two guys come out. At the same time? Yeah, and they were like, like I'm happy after a sauna,

but they were just a bit too loose, you know? Right, yeah. That makes sense. What's the porn like in Estonia? We have some, we have like a couple of porn movies that are pretty dark. Like what? What's dark in Estonia? Most porn comes from Ukraine. You know Ukraine is like number one, number one baby. Porn, porn, porn. All the webcam girls, they're all Ukrainian and shit.

I didn't know that. Romanian too, but... Why do you think that is? Why do you think Ukraine is the porn place? It is. But why? I'm not disagreeing with you at all. It is.

I agree. I don't know, I think just the chicks are hot, they're clever, you know. Uh-huh. Is that why? Because they're clever? Yeah, they're clever. Maybe poor? Yeah.

There's that too, yeah. I want to know what... I want to look into their eyes for too long. You know what I'm saying? What are you into? Because you said it needs to be explained, and I haven't stopped thinking about that. You know, like, if you would see the porn, like...

Yeah, I know. Like, you know when you watch porn with your girl, you're not going to put on the porn you actually... Yeah, like, you know, when you watch porn with your girl, you're not going to put on the porn you actually. Yeah, right. Of course. Right. Yeah, that's hilarious. Like, she sees the first few letters and it's just T.R.A.

And you're like. Because I've done that. I was like, we've all done that. Traveling beautiful woman. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It depends on, like, what's... Do you watch any of our stuff? Are you into the, you know, exotic? What do you mean? Black women. Black women? No.

All black women are from America, to Ari. I'm pretty... Is that the Williams sisters? No, what about... I'm pretty progressive. Like, I watch... Like, I can imagine a black guy. Like, if I can watch, like...

Wow. You're like... Okay, do you. You're white. You're right. You're white. I am white. Can you watch a black guy just destroying a white girl and imagine you're the guy? I can.

Oh, you can do that. You can see yourself as him. Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah! I can do that. You can see yourself as him. Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah! We love big dicks! That is... Yeah. So you use your imagination,

because there's no black guys in Ukraine, is what you're saying. No, but, okay... And it is pretty... We've been sending giant missiles to Ukraine for a couple years.. Maybe war jokes. Do you know? But like.

Son of a bitch. But the classic thing is that like it gets the the more you're scrolling, the harsher it gets. Like the more tabs, you know, you know when the tabs, there are no letters anymore, just these fucking... And you're just looking for the one, dude. Then it gets pretty dark.

What is, just give us one thing before we get you out of here. Just like what I mean. One crazy... Well, you know, all the chicks are crying. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Perfect. Perfect.

Ari, that's what we needed. You know, all the chicks are like, help, help, help. The doors are locked. It's dark. It's a fucking storage unit with a couch.

Dudes have sneakers on. You know how it is. Ari's been jerking off to the view. You know how it is. Ha ha ha ha ha off to the view. You know how it is. The party has begun. Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen. And it has begun.

This is Kill Tony Live from Austin, Texas, brought to you by Nicked. Nicked, N-Y-K-D. The amazing nicotine pouch. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen, has joined the fray. And now it begins. Our first bucket poll of the night.

Simple. They do a minute. We interview them. We don't know them. Anything can happen. Make some noise for your first bucket poll of the night. Thank you. Jovan Afzali. I wanted to say Yovan, but this guy knows. Jovan Afzali.

Yeah, so I've noticed there's a lot of gold diggers in the city, right? You have to be careful. I overheard these two girls. One of them said she would fuck any guy with a job and a boat. So I snuck up behind her. I was like, hey, what could I get with a canoe and an internship?

Anything? Okay. No, it's tough to find true love. It is, because it's not all based off looks. Love is blind. You know what? It's not nose blind. My girlfriend smells like shit.

I put my thumb in her belly button, and her butthole, I pulled it out, it smelled exactly the same. What's going on? Okay, no. I don't actually have a girlfriend. Um... Sometimes I like to make up imaginary girlfriends. Right now, I'm dating this black girl.

Her name's Double Entendre. She's really kind, but she makes me do weird things in the bedroom. Like, she'll make me do black face, and she'll do white face, so then we're 69, and it looks like yin-yang. It's kind of like, you know... It's kind of weird.

And she's always telling me, she's like, Joven, bring food in the bedroom, but I'm out of whipped cream, so I'm like, okay, I have caramelized onions and Swiss cheese. So I'll spit on her. I'm like, who's my little patty melt? Four, okay. All right, thanks. Thank you.

All right, Jovan Afzali. What is that? What's your ethnicity? Afghanistan, yeah. You're Afghani? Yeah, my dad's from there. I'm half, yeah. Okay.

And your mom's white? Yeah, she's white. dad's from there. I'm half, yeah. Okay. And your mom's white? Yeah, she's white. And it's Jovan? Jovan, yeah. Jovan. Yeah. Okay, Jovan. Okay, so the girlfriend isn't real.

Not real, one bit, yeah. I'm guessing you don't have a canoe in an internship? Nope, no. All right, what do you do for work? I'm like a line cook, yeah. Yeah, you're wearing the pants. That makes sense. Yep. I was wondering if those are legit chef's pants.

They are. Yep, I had work, yep. Okay. And how long have you done that for? About five years in total, I think. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Four years. Four years. Wow. Where at? Let's see. Two years where, like, Albany is where I'm from, and then, like, two and a half years here, I years, wow. Where at? Let's see, two years where back in,

like Albany is where I'm from, and then like, yeah, two and a half years here, I think. Okay, you must love it here compared to Albany, New York. Yeah, it's quite lovely here, but the summers get to me. I get stupid and hot, so hot and bothered, or whatever you call it, yeah. Yeah, they're hot. Yeah, but yeah, it's a nice place.

Yeah, summers are hot. Tony, you think you'd have better lines being a line cook. He's been cooking up. Vroom, vroom, vroom, vroom, jet ski. Jet ski. Uh, okay. Who's on your shirt? My mom.

That's Derek's mother. Canella B. Poston. We all know her. We love her. It's Nina Simone, yeah. Oh, okay, cool. Oh, okay. But when I wear it, it kinda looks like Aunt Jemima, but yeah.

Wow. All right, somehow that's the most racist part of the show so far. Very interesting. What do you specialize in cooking? Well, right now I just started at this Asian place, but usually I do like Italian food, yeah. Okay. So I like to mix it up. New restaurants, new flavors, yeah, you never know.

All right. What have you learned working at the Asian restaurant? Do you have a mean Asian boss? Well, I literally just started. Like, I staged, like, yesterday, and I got the job, so I'll start this week, yeah. You're already wearing the pants. Well, I had another interview

because I need a second job, so, yeah. You had an interview today? Do you show up with the pants today? This guy's dedicated, dude. It's just what I would want. Imagine showing up. And the shoe, you got the Crocs on, don't you? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, this guy's good. Just in case they're, like, ready to throw you in there right now. Dress for the job you want, am I right? Absolutely. 100%. 100%. Joven, tell us more about you.

What do you do for fun? I love playing chess lately, and I like to go dancing, so those kind of fill my time. You're a dancer? No, I'm not a dancer. I like to go dancing, though. What type of dancing? I You're a dancer? No, I'm not a dancer, I like to go dancing though. What type of dancing? I'll just kind of wiggle.

Can we give them a little something? Yeah, can we get a little, what type of music do you dance to? Country, salsa? Don't brag about dancing and not bust a move in front of us, please. Shake that ass, dog, come on. Pop that.

Give them something, folks. What kind of dancing? I like Indian trap music's pretty cool. Okay. Do we have any Indian trap music? Oh, Michael's got it. He's been waiting for... He's been waiting years for somebody to say Indian trap music. Oh, yeah, I'll go like... Okay.

Oh, shit. Hey! Hey! I'll do that for like 45 minutes, and then I'll leave. That was wild, bro. Hey! Oh! I'll do that for, like, 45 minutes, and then I'll leave you. Wow. I like that. Thanks. I like that. Jovan's got it.

Hell, yeah. The Afghani assassin. All right. With the Indian trap music. It is wild. Your father, it seems like he'd be furious to see you do that. Oh, he's 90% sure I'm gay, but what are you gonna do? Yeah. Yeah, welcome to my world.

Uh... What does he think about you doing stand-up, your Afghani father? Uh, he seems to like it. Yeah. He's not like, thank God, but... He's like... Yeah, he's more like, thank Allah. Yeah.

Here it is. Yes! Rump, rump, rump, rump, rump, rump, rump, rump, rump, rump. And they're up in Albany still? Yeah, that's what they live. They have caves there? Yeah. That was wrong.

That was wrong. That was bad. I apologize. What type of girls are you into? Do you find yourself being more into bad girls? I like, like, um, like grumpy Asian girls would be ideal. Yeah. Grumpy Asian girls?

This is Red Band's specialty. Yes. So puffy faces, like Chinese girls. Yeah. I don't know. Yeah. The face doesn't even matter to Jovan. Look at him. He doesn't care. It's mostly about the attitude.

How do they act when they're grumpy? What do they... Just kind of not smiling a lot. Can you do an impression of a grumpy Asian woman that you would be into? Just go for it. I'm not gonna stretch my eyes out, but I'll... You don't have to do that.

It's more about the voice than the attitude. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Why that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that.

I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm not gonna do that. I'm't know. Okay. But it was a good set. You are the first bucket pulled tonight. Congratulations.

Here's a big joke book. And it has begun. There goes Jovan Afzali. This podcast is sponsored by ExpressVPN. Look, I know that none of you watch porn and neither do I. I think it's gross. But just in case you have any friends that do, help me pass along this important PSA

Incognito mode does not make you incognito check the fine print all your late-night activities are still 100% visible to a ton of third parties Unless you use Express VPN and let me throw it to our in-house porn expert. Oh Thanks, Tony. I love porn almost as much as I love Express VPN with Express VPN without Express VPN Without Express VPN that is these third parties can still see every website you visit even in cognito mode And in in cognito, yes your internet service provider your mobile network provider and the admins of your Wi-Fi network He likes yikes is right red band Express VPN reroutes a hundred percent of your Wi-Fi network. Yikes! Yikes is right, Red Band. ExpressVPN reroutes 100% of your traffic through secure encrypted servers. So third parties can't see your browsing history.

ExpressVPN hides your IP address, making it extremely difficult for third parties to track your online activity. It's so easy to use. Just fire up the app and click one button to get protected. It's also rated number one by top tech reviewers like CNET and The Verge. I personally love using ExpressVPN when we travel. I can

rest easy knowing my data is safe and secure around the globe. So protect your online privacy today by visiting ExpressVPN.com slash Kill Tony. That's EXPRESSVPN.com slash Kill Tony and you can get an extra four months for free ExpressVPN.com slash kill Tony. Hello, everyone. This podcast is sponsored by PrizePix, the best place to win cash while watching sports. Join over 10 million users and sign up today to get $50 instantly. When you play $5, you don't even need to win to receive the $50 bonus.

It's guaranteed. Folks, the second half of the basketball season is here and the race to the playoffs is heating up on prize picks. The best place to cash in on your favorite sports. Thank LeBron James. We'll get more than 24 points this week. Giannis for more than 35. Cook up your hot takes with your friends and win real money this basketball season when you and your crew run your game on prize picks. Red band. Tony, I love prize picks. This week on prize picks, I'm looking at the baseball board

and selecting Luka Donichik. The basketball board. Yeah. And selecting Luka Donichik. Yeah, you know that guy. For more than 25 points. And Jason Tatum for more than eight rebounds. Plus Anthony Edwards for more than 25 points. And Plus Anthony Edwards for more than 25 points

and Jalen Brown for more than four assets. I love that. Those are assists. Assists. Yes, that is an incredible lineup, Red Band. You totally know what you're talking about. It's blatant that anybody can do it. So download the app today and use code Tony

to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup again. Download the app today and use code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup again. Download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, run your game. All right, your next bucket full, getting 60 seconds uninterrupted goes by the name

of Sammy Blumenthal, Sammy Blumenthal. Here she is. Here she is. -♪ Hey, guys. Hey. This year, I became a mom. Yeah, thank you. Thank you so much. I've been trying to breastfeed,

and he's having a really hard time latching. I just wish someone told me that would happen before I got the dog. I have a German shepherd, which is really empowering as a Jew And I just wish someone told me that would happen before I got the dog. I have a German shepherd, which is really empowering as a Jewish woman. I named him after my late great-grandfather, 017694.

Thank you, thank you. I love my dog. He just is really particular. Like, especially when we go outside. He takes so long. I'm like, come on, is this your spot? Is this your spot? Poop for me. Is this your spot? Is this your spot? Now I know how my ex felt every time he tried to make me cum, you know?

Might take a long time. Uh... But now I get it, though. I get it. I understand his perspective. every time he tried to make me cum, you know? Might take a long time. Uh... But now I get it, though. I get it. I understand his perspective. So now when I try to get him to go quicker, I just go, shh, take your toy.

Close your eyes. And pretend I'm literally anyone else, and he poops immediately. There it is, Sammy Blumenthal. Welcome, welcome. Sammy, is this your first time on the show? My second time. Nice. Yeah.

Welcome back. Thank you. How long have you been on standup? A little over a year now. A little over a year. When was the last time you were on? Last December, and then it aired, it was like six weeks and then it aired in January. Six weeks.

Yeah, it's five or something. There was like two recordings on a Monday and two recordings on a Tuesday, so it just took a while for it to come out. All right, yeah, that has nothing to do with the question that I asked. I'm sorry, okay. December was when you were on the show.

Yep, there we go, December. Took a long time for it to come out. Takes a long time, you know what I mean? You are Jewish, that confirms it right there. I did the show, but then it took like four weeks. You must have taken your first vacation in absolute years or something. Wow, thank you, Sammy, for pointing that out for no reason.

Take fucking two weeks in a row off. I got this Jew calling me out on it. Jesus fucking Christ. All right, so, Sammy, that was fun. You've been doing stand-up for a year. What do you do for a living? I am a dietician, but I took a year off. I was teaching preschool for a year, and I just had my last day on Friday.

What made you do that? Being a dietician got hard when no Zempik came out? Exactly. Really? Yeah, no, it is hard, because, like, I definitely focus on, rather than, like, weight loss, which is a common thing that people ask me about, I focus on our relationship

with food and building and healing our relationship with food and bodies, so like... Let me introduce you to my friend Red Band here. There we go. Let's talk about it, Brian. Why don't I take a picture of this thing? Yeah. Let's talk about your relationship with food.

Yeah? Okay. How would you do this? Let's say this guy comes in looking gray slash green. 50. Right? What would you say to him? Yeah, so we did do this last time. Oh, we did? Wow. All right. Sorry.

I'm a simple man. Okay. Have you ever saved, like, somebody's life? Like, what's your greatest accomplishment from that job? Oh, my God. From... How much weight? Yeah. How much weight does someone lose? So, that's the thing. I don't focus on weight. That's what I'm trying to say.

Well, that seems like you don't do your job. Okay. That's why I took a year off. I couldn't help people lose weight. I don't know. But my greatest accomplishment, I think, is, like, my favorite thing is, like, when a woman goes to the store and feels confident just, like, picking out a size,

and it's not that, like... It's, like, our clothes... Our body is not meant to fit clothes. Like, our clothes are meant to fit our body. Derrick? Derrick, now it's time for you to speak up. I'm still stuck on, yo, you let your dog suck your nipples, brody. Why you...

Nasty, dude. I haven't moved from that. You nasty. That's nasty. Derrick, she's trying to make all the white women thin. Attack her immediately. We're finding out what kind of porn Ari's actually into. I have a lot of explaining to do a German shepherd on Jew girl tits, huh?

Oh, I like that joke about the number. Thank you. That was really good. That was really good. That was really good. That was a good one. Thank you. His name is Topher. This is him. I got a tattoo of him.

Oh, wow. I wanted to get it before he died so I could show him. You know? I just felt like it would be sad to get it afterwards. Like, he sees it all the time. I don't think he knows what he's looking at. But OK. All right.

Let's talk about your relationship with your dog. Yes, please. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I love my dog, so I love him. People think that I love him too much. Yeah, yeah. I wonder why.

Why do they think that? Like, is there anything? You know, I take him everywhere. He comes with me everywhere. Come on. Come on. I'm a new guy! That makes sense.

Red band on fire tonight. Yeah, does he ever get a little red rocket? Oh, my God. No. No? It's not little. It is the biggest dick I've ever seen. Hit it again. It is so big.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. Does it look like that mic? No. If this mic was purple. Oh, my God. Does it look like that mic? No. If this mic was purple. Oh, it's dark. I'm sorry. You got a black dog? That's incredible.

You're having some real rough sex. Woof, yeah. There you go. Yeah, yeah. So, wait, what happens when the dog gets, so the dog has balls still? No. I'm so confused. It gets hard without testicles.

Yes. Around you? Sorry. Okay. So the dog gets balls still? No! I'm so confused. It gets hard without testicles. Yes! Around you? Sorry. Okay. I'm sorry.

But he does. He continues to get hard without balls. Yeah. Absolutely. Is there something that happens? Is there something that you do? Is it when you're cooking? Is it when you wake up?

I mean, he loves when I use a shower in the oven. You know what I mean? Okay. Let's stick with the real... When does he get hard? We want to know when the dog gets hard. In a... We are genuinely concerned.

It just, it happens when I come home. He gets like really excited when I come home. Do you spit on it? That was Red Man. All lawsuits go to Ryan Red Man for that one. Do you, do you, disgusting. Disgusting. So gross. Do you, disgusting. Disgusting. So gross.

Do you spit on it? All right. So Sammy, what's your love life actually like? You seem like a likable pretty girl, but you seem like a cat lady that has a dog. Really? I'm like severely allergic to cats. No, but that's not what he was saying.

Yeah. Yeah, exactly. The not what he was saying. Yeah. Yeah, exactly. The observation he made was poignant. It was meaning you have this like really intense attachment to an animal, but it might be difficult for you to have that attachment to human beings. Exactly. Yeah.

How did you know? Well, you were talking to us for about seven minutes. Yeah. And you told us the exact color of your dog's cock, so... We're like, there might be an issue here, so... Tony's pretty good at this. He can get to the bottom of things. Yeah.

Um... What are my relationships like? Yeah. I bet you have trouble. No, no, no. Just being evil. That was just being trouble. No, no, no. Just being evil. That was just being out. Am I right? Yeah. When was the last boyfriend? Um, well, here's the thing.

I think... We don't need to do it. Uh... That's fine. It seems long. No, it's not long. I'll summarize it. Okay. Like, I think I'm a little gayer than I realize. Oh.

She does. Support. Oh, that was. Thank you for your support. Oh, that was very loud. Red band's very excited about this. Yeah. Plot twist, you do like cats. Yeah. Yeah.

Let's go. Tell us more about this might be gayer than you thought thing. How does this happen? I like this. Yeah, so I remember being in like fifth grade and I was looking at the clock in whatever class I was in and I just asked myself like, do I like girls?

I don't know, it was like the first thought in my head. What made you, what is the clock after? I don't know, that's just what I remember I was looking at when I was like asking myself that. I feel really vulnerable and my body feels uncomfortable right now as I'm talking about this, but that's okay. But then every relationship I've been in with a man,

in the back of my head, it's like, I don't know what a relationship with a woman is like. I do not know. Have you ever gone on a date with a girl? I have. Have you ever hooked up with a girl? I have. Do you have a video of it?

Red band. Red Band. You are misbehaving tonight. You're out of control. This is a professional show. We were almost there, Red Band. This is a professional show. We were almost there. She was gonna tell us all about it. We respect women, and we don't do that.

Okay, take us back. Do you have video of it? Um... All right, I'm kidding. So, no, so the first time I went down on a lady. Oh, you've had intercourse with a woman. What does that look like though? I still don't know what that looks like.

You'll have to. Like, what does it look like when you go down on the girl? I threw up, so I don't know. No, no you didn't. You're making a joke. I swear to God. You went down on a girl and you threw up? Yes.

Oh, this is epic. Yes, so. This is unbelievable. I'm one of the greatest interviewers in podcast history. How did we get here? Yeah. How did we get here? Yeah, I did do that.

What made you throw up? Was it smell or was it? Yeah, yeah. What was the smell? So, the reason... Take us step by step throughout the night. Did you go to a movie? Did you have dinner? What happened here? We were just hanging out at her apartment.

Okay. And the... Is this a friend? Yeah, I knew her since I was 12 years old. Perfect. Yeah. And you're hanging out at the apartment? What are you guys doing? What are you doing? How old was she when you were 12? Not... Also 12. Okay, good. Yeah. And you're hanging out at the apartment. What are you guys doing? What are you doing?

How old was she when you were 12? Not 12, also 12. Okay, good. Like we were both 12. Just making sure. But this didn't happen when we were 12. Of course. That would be gross.

Right. No, but you guys are grown up, you're hanging out. It's just the two of you. You're in her place doing girly things. What are you guys doing? Like the dishes? Uh. Uh.

Uh. Uh. Uh. Terrible. Oh my God. Terrible. Um.'m sorry, ladies. No, it's okay. You don't have to apologize. It's okay. No, we were just, like, hanging out and talking, and, like, it was like, oh, this feels, like, this feels safe.

Like, feeling safe during sex is an important thing. So if you learn anything here today, make sure you feel safe... What? Laughter ...during sex. Ow! Laughter Um... And then? Keep going. Keep going.

Yeah, so we were kissing, and it felt nice. Mm. And then I was like, Oh, can I go down on you? And then... You went straight to that? Did you really feel in her boobs? I was touching her boobs.

It's just like... You gotta feel her tinnies a little bit before you go down. Kissing like this? Can I go down on you? Okay, hold on, hold on. Yeah, no, I... Yeah, you have to go around the bases. You can't cut from first to third across the bitchers' mound.

Retard little leap. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Okay, okay. So you go to... you ask her. You ask her, you go, can I go down on you? And she goes, yes, please. And I'm like, that's a joke. That's a joke. These are jokes. These are jokes.

We're not gonna talk about her disabled friend like that. You've known him since she's 12. Yes, tell us the real. So, this is real. Like, this is really what happened. Yeah, tell us what really happened. We love it. So, at the time, at the time, this is... Okay, so...

I was in a relationship with a guy during the time, and we said... No, stop. And he said, we decided to be, like, in an open relationship, okay? And so I felt uncomfortable doing it because I didn't tell him where I'd be before. But I was on the show last time and I told you a story that I got home

and I saw videos of my ex while wearing my clothes. That's right. I remember that. Oh, you tried to out gay him? I was just trying to out gay him. But that's like context to the story that like- Hold on, that's the craziest revenge I've ever heard of in my entire life. This is true.

You're gay? I'll show you fucking gay. Yeah! I now remember your appearance on the show. Yes, yes. You had a boyfriend that you found... Remind us. It was a video? Uh, multiple. Right.

Yeah, a lot. You're getting a guitar change. Yeah. D-Madness has to go. Famous homophobe D-Madness. When he gets too gay, D-Madness takes a break. We found out what porn he's into. Yeah.

Yeah. So you found out your boyfriend's gay. Even though you're in an open relationship, you say, no way. And then you're hanging out with your girlfriend. Well, my friend was a girl. Okay, right. And girl things.

And then, no, but I think I threw up because I felt... Take a... Hold on. Let's just slow it down before the vomit. Before the vomit, because we want to paint a picture here a little bit. Are you on a couch, a bed? Bed.

And you guys are both naked or she just took her pants off? What's going on here? We are both naked. Butt naked. And she hasn't done anything to you? No. And you go between her legs.

How long do you think you're there about? How long do you last? Say like three minutes and then I vomited. Oh my goodness. And you're like, you go straight, so three minutes of just straight licking, kind of? No, talking, checking in. Oh, that's such a lesbian bullshit. You get all the way down there and you're like,

tell me again about your day. Looking from fucking above her belly button. Hold on, you checked, so you checked in. Yes. What is that like? How does this feel? Ooh, wow. How's it going? All the shit the ladies love.

So you wanted the feedback. You wanted to know you were doing a good job. I need feedback. If you are silent while we are being intimate, like, I will leave. Like, I need to know what is going on. I need communication. What about sounds, though? Like, uh, uh, like, I will leave. Like, I need to know what is going, I need communication. What about sounds though?

Like, uh, uh, you know, positive sounds. Like, you don't have to talk. Red, Red Band's only heard people have sex. No. No. No. No. No.

No. No. No. No. No. Well, like, the reason why- We actually do have, we have a sound of, um, Red Band having sex.

Uh, uh, uh. I'm just kidding. That's after Tom Segura broke his arm. He made this. So play it one more time. Uh, uh, uh. It's not sex. Tom Segura broke his arm playing basketball. Okay, back to it. So you're down there. You're talking, you're asking questions while swiping your tongue randomly

and then checking back in again. And she's not making any sounds at all? I don't, I just, yes, we're talking. Like we're having a kind of like- No, she's making like sounds of pleasure. Yeah. Is that a sound of pleasure to you? Um, sometimes, but then I need you to elaborate. What? I need you to elaborate.

Like, if... Because the thing is, is when I've been in, like, a sexual experience and I'm making sounds, sometimes it's, like, performative. You know what I mean? It's like... And I'm also a woman, and I've been... I mean, yeah, I've been... Yes. I'm a woman. So you got in your head.

You got in your head a little bit. Yes, because I know what it's like to be a woman, and when a man's down there, it's just like, Mm-mm, and, like, I'm hating it, and I'm not, like, speaking up for myself, you know what I mean? Clap for that. That's the whole... No, no, no, no. Don't do the... Don't do that. Hold on. Okay, so let's keep going.

Let's keep going. You can't tell them to do something. So sorry. They're gonna turn on you. I'm sorry. Okay. So let's get to the vomit part. What happens? Okay, so I'm down there, and I think I just started thinking about my situa- my, like, relationship situation

and, like, how uncomfortable that I was in that situation and how I feel uncomfortable in this situation. So what ended up happening is that I just threw up. Did you throw up in between her legs? No, I did get up and go to the bathroom. See, okay. Did you check in with her on how she felt after that? Yeah.

Because that must have destroyed her. You went down on her for three minutes, and then you projectile-vomited into a bathroom. Do you think she could hear you vomiting? Oh, she knew. She was asking, like, she was checking in on how I was feeling. Oh, my God. But I did feel bad, because that was her first experience, and, like, she was checking in on how I was feeling. Oh, my God.

But I did feel bad, because that was her first experience, and, like, I don't... And her last? And her last, yeah. Time to go back to school, I guess. Red Band, you are really... That makes no sense. No wonder you fuck dogs now. You traumatized, dog.

You traumatized. Yeah, that's a tough one to rebound from. For her, not for you, for her. Like, imagine what she's going through the next guy or girl that she hooks up with. Yeah, it's like, and very rarely is there a case of bulimia after that kind of eating out. Yeah.

What's her Instagram? Not doing that. You have an eating out disorder. That's funny. Could you put it into my phone so I just see what the Instagram... I just need to see what this girl looks like, yeah. Oh, I like this.

Can you put it into Derek's phone, actually? Oh, my God. I have a wife and kid, man. I can't be looking at these garbage pussy bitches like, this is crazy. This is insanity. Yeah. Red band already follows her. How exciting. She's beautiful.

Like, she's lovely. She's... Just hold her profile picture. Hold on. No, stop it. Oh, wow. Wow, wow, wow. Yes, she's gorgeous.

She's stunning. No, that's what's up. What does she do? She's a professional. No, stop it. Oh, I thought you were showing. Wow, wow, wow. Yes, she's gorgeous. She's stunning. What does she do? She works in sales. I thought you thought that was a joke.

All right, well, Sammy, what size joke book did you get last time? I did get a big one. There you go. Thank you so much. There she goes. Sammy Blumenthal. How fun. Long interview. Very fun. All right. Let's keep it moving along. We're having fun here. There goes Sammy Blumenthal. And on to the next one we go. Will Hunsinger. Make some noise for Will Hunsinger, everybody. Come on, guys.

Make some noise for Will. Happy Black History Month, everybody. We made it through it. Huh. It got me thinking about, like, all the different color barriers that have been crossed, Jackie Robinson, all these great people. I was thinking, I wish there were more black serial killers.

I think it would be kind of fun, you know? Because to be honest with you right now, how fun would Science of Lambs have been if that guy was like, put the cocoa butter in the basket? That would have been pretty good. If the cops are trying to figure it out. Like, there's a bunch of thick white women going missing. I wonder who it could be.

I see scared white faces in here. I don't like that at all. You guys all looked at the band to see if you could laugh. I don't like that. All right. I'll give you this olive branch at least. You know, if he was eating those girls, at least they'd be properly seasoned. That's fair. So listen to me.

Jeffrey Dahmer, that dude was from Wisconsin. That food was bland as fuck, okay? But Jayvon Dahmer, invite me to the cookout, all right? I'll eat a white bitch's foot if you put it with cornbread. That's soul food, you guys. That's soul food. All right, that's my time. Will Hunsinger, everybody.

Welcome, Will. This is your first time on the show, right? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on the show, right? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years. Five years. I love it. Where at?

I just moved here from Las Vegas. Las Vegas. That's where you're originally from? I grew up in Ohio, actually. What part of Ohio? Menor, by Cleveland. Okay. Yeah.

D Madness is back, everybody. Oh, here we go. Okay. And what do you do for work, Will? I work for the government as an aerospace engineer. Wow. Don't woo for that shit. What exactly do you do

as an aerospace engineer? Well, I work for the government. Can I not talk about that particularly? Because I just work for the government. You don't have to say who you work for. You're the one that chose to say it. Now we want to know what the fuck you're up to, man. I know, but it's just like, I don't want to lose my shit. No, no, no, no. You decided to come on the show.

Nothing crazy. I used to work for a company that made jet engines. Oh, word. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I was an operations manager, and then I worked for a company that made titanium for jet engines, and then we had engine overhaul

and a bunch of shit like that, so... And then you stopped doing that and sued Blake Lively. Shh. That's stupid. You fucking idiot. Will Hunsinger... He's innocent, by the way. He looked like Baloney. That motherfucker's handsome.

He didn't do it. He didn't do it. That's not a roast. That's a compliment. I appreciate it. Yeah, you're good-looking. Thank you, man. I appreciate you, too.

Will, let me just cut to the chase here. We just had a girl on here who went down on a girl once and vomited. Do you have anything in your life that interesting that's ever happened? Anything like that? I haven't fucked any animals at all. No, nobody said that.

Nothing that bad, no. Nobody said, it was a girl. We all danced around it for a while. There was a lot of dog fucking, a lot of vomiting. No, I don't think I've had anybody. I've had a woman bite my penis and that was, that was tough, that was tough. She was an older lady.

How old? Like 44, I think. Wow. How old were you at the time? 24. Wow. Yeah, it was tough because she scraped it and then it made it hard to stay hard, you know?

And then you put the condom on and that stings and then you put it in and then it's like it's hard to stay hard when your dick scrapes, you know what I mean? And then a 44 year old woman if your dick goes soft she just calls you a f***. So like yeah that's kind of what you're stuck with they get insulted they don't be like hey you've hurt me and they're like I don't give a shit you're gay. Like that's yeah so yeah that was a tough one but yeah nothing that awful is I haven't had a shit, you're gay. Like that's, yeah, so yeah, that was a tough one. But yeah, nothing that awful is, I haven't had to throw up before.

I mean, that sounds terrifying, but no. Have you thrown up on a woman before? No, no, no. All right. So what do you do for fun? Do you have any hobbies or anything like that? I train jiu-jitsu, I do that, play a little guitar here and there, nothing too crazy.

You play guitar? Not as well as some of the people who have been on here. Well, of course, they're professional musicians. How often do you play guitar? Oh, just a few times a week here do well of course they're professional musicians how often do you play guitar oh just a few times a week here and there just how many years have you played guitar for all like two or three nothing yeah just now nothing just for fun just doing that but you get to have been doing that for like five six years I trained a lot in Vegas I got to train with like a lot of professional like MMA guys and stuff it's pretty cool got to train like a UFC PI and all that so that

was kind of tight but you don't fight no, I get brain damage. I don't want that. I'm good Yeah, yeah, but no, yeah, just just training that and then like I trained was like Shawn Strickland. That was pretty cool He's craziest thing you saw while living in Las Vegas all those years fucking shit, man Man, I've seen people get hit by cars seen people lose their entire livelihoods. I don't know Vegas was a weird town It was a weird town. It was a weird place to live. It was a shell-shot going from Ohio, because it's just everything everywhere all the time,

just people losing their goddamn minds every day. You're not supposed to live there. That's not a place you're supposed to live. That city's full of pieces of shit. It is. It's just full of scum. All the scum of the country just washes in there. You were there. You were part of it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I got it. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I got shit. Yeah. Living with it. It was fucking wild, dude. You just... You see everybody getting over divorces together, and it's sad. It's fucking rough. It's just dudes on TRT and Omnia just fucking... just trying to get 20-year-old pussy, and it's a fucking war zone. But, yeah, I don't know. I... Yeah. I...

Craziest fun fact about your whole life, Will. Maybe it's about your family. Maybe it's something that's happened to you. Anything at all. I had a bad mushroom trip that was pretty scary. I lost my mind and thought my friends were trying to kill me and I punched my best friend in the face. Whoa.

Yeah, that was bad. Yeah, I was in Sedona, Arizona and I was supposed to be like the spirit guide for my buddies. You were supposed to be the spirit guide? Yes. Wait, who the fuck made you the spirit guide? I did a lot of drugs in college and shit. We got drug tested all the way through for engineering,

so I could never smoke weed or anything, so I just did acid all the time. It was the first time I ever got high. So that was cool. Like I got, like I did acid a fuckload, and then I was like, cool, we're all gonna do mushrooms out in Sedona. That'll be a fun time.

And then my buddy sold me this, like they're called albino penis envy, they're like the strongest mushrooms known to man. And then I lost my fucking mind. And then I was, I was just in there and I thought all my friends were trying to kill me. So I got all defensive and then I squared up and just rocked my buddy and then three people tackled me.

And then they, and then I got away from them. I ran, they tore my shirt off me, it was just like two o'clock in the afternoon, and then, God, just in a suburban neighborhood, ran down the street, running for my life, fell into a cactus, bleeding everywhere,

and then I was on that level of high where you think like the whole thing's a video game and you have to get out and you have to go to another fucking level, so then I went to a house and I went to open a stranger's house. Oh God. And I was probably as close as you are to me to the doorway. And then my friends were like,

yo, and I turned around like, we gotta go home. And I was like, oh shit. And then they corralled me back home and I lost my mind for 12 more hours on the couch. 12 hours? Yes, it was bad. I dissociated for probably like three months after that. And the buddy that you punched,

he was on Mushrooms 2, right? Yes, he, from his perspective, I walked downstairs like the Terminator and then just squared up and fucking rocked him. Imagine that. Imagine you see your spirit guide coming down the stairs. You're tripping your balls off, and you're like, oh, oh, he's back. Oh, great.

Yeah. What the fuck? Yeah, we rocked him pretty good. The training's been paying off. It worked good. But, uh, yeah. And then, uh, yeah, I watched that, um... You guys seen, like, Everywhere, Everything, All, Once, Wherever, that movie? That shit, like, helped me get out of the loop that I was in,

because I'd have those moments where I was just like, none of this is real. It's all a projection. And then I'm having it right now. It's weird. But, uh, it was... Yeah, and that movie, like, checked me back out of it, and that was good, and I've been chill since, but I've not touched any psychedelics since that shit for safety purposes, but.

Perfect. Perfect. Well, Will, thanks for signing up. Fun times. Thank you, thank you. On to the next one we go. Here's a little joke book to, oh my goodness, wow. This guy's a, he, jujitsu. He catches like a jujitsu guy.

This podcast is sponsored by OpenPhone. If you're running a business, you know that every time you miss a call, you're leaving money on the table. When every customer conversation matters, you need a phone system that keeps up and helps you stay connected. That's why you need a open phone. Open phone, right man? Tony, I love open phone. It's the most genius phone system out there. Open phone is the number one business phone system that streamlines and scales your customer communications.

It works through an app on your phone or a computer, so no more carrying around two phones or using a landline. Yeah, with open phone, your team can share one number and collaborate on customer calls and texts like a shared inbox. That way, any teammate can pick up right where the last person left off, keeping response times faster than ever.

Plus, with AI-powered call transcripts and summaries, you'll be able to automate follow-ups, ensuring you'll never miss a customer interaction again. So whether you're a one-person operation, drowning in calls and texts, be able to automate follow ups, ensuring you'll never miss a customer interaction again. So whether you're a one person operation, drowning in calls and texts, or have a large team that needs better collaboration tools, OpenPhone is a no brainer. See why over 50,000 businesses trust OpenPhone to manage their businesses calls and texts. OpenPhone is offering my listeners 20% off your first six months at open phone.com slash kill tony. That's o p e n p h o n e dot com

Slash kill tony and if you have existing numbers with another service open phone will port them over at no extra charge Open phone no missed calls. No missed customers. Hello There are friends this podcast is sponsored by zipper cruder. You all know what speed dating is, right? Well, if you are the owner of a growing business, what if there was a feature like speed dating only for hiring? In other words, you can meet several interested qualified candidates at once, all at a designated time.

Well, good news, there is. It's ZipIntro from ZipRecruiter. You can post your job today and start talking to qualified candidates tomorrow. And right now, you could try Zip Intro for free at ziprecruiter.com slash killtony. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr pick a time and Zip Intro does all the work of finding and scheduling qualified candidates for you. Then you can choose who you want to talk to and meet with great people as soon as the next day. It's so easy.

It's so easy. Red band can do it. So enjoy the benefits of speed hiring with new Zip Intro only from Zip Recruiter rated number one hiring site based on G2. Try Zip Intro for free at ziprecruiter.com slash kiltoni. for free at ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. ZipIntro, post jobs today, talk to qualified candidates tomorrow. What's going on over there? Michael, what's happening?

What is going on over there? Get together, dude. What's happening? I'm trying to put it on here. Let me just tell you, Michael, you have no idea how replaceable you are. What's happening? What's happening?

Wait a second. Oh, my God. Wait a second. Oh, my God. Wait a second. Oh, my God. A legend of the game. Who would have guessed? Who would have guessed? Joel Burke, Joel Jimenez, ladies and gentlemen. The original Kill Tony drummer is visiting. the original Kil Tony drummer is visiting.

Switch it up, there they go. From one, this is it, Mexicans taking Mexicans jobs. Make some noise for Joel Burke Joel Jimenez, everybody. A lot of you probably are newer fans, bandwagon fans. Joel has traveled the world as a kill-tone-y drummer. Somebody call ICE on this motherfucker. When Joel Berg says a funny, everybody chants Joel Berg. You guys get it?

You go Joel Berg, you'll get it. He's very funny. How about one more time for Joel Berg, Joel Jimenez. With Jet Ski Jesse Johnson. It's all J's. It's six J's. Jet Ski Jesse Johnson and Joel Berg Joel Jimenez. That's crazy.

I've never noticed that before. What? I don't know what you're saying. Oh my God. Sometimes I wish we had another camera and mic so that you guys could see the retarded show that I deal with Listening to Red Band say things like

those jokes Guys out of control tonight Why would you say that all right indeed Your next bucket full goes by the name of Brian Smith, everybody. Make some noise for Brian Smith. -♪ Keep it going for the best band in the entire fucking world, guys. Oh, man. So I don't do a lot of race jokes,

but when I do, I want to make sure a certain percentage of the audience laughs. I call it the three-5th Compromise. A lot of people read history here. Uh, so I, uh, I like, I still like Michael Jackson's music. I tried to separate the monster from the artist, had a little fun thought experiment the other day.

What if the only part of Michael Jackson's body he didn't bleach was his asshole? Do you think that's how he got the kids in the van? It's like, oh, I got a little Hershey's kiss coming back here. Come on. Could you imagine being 7 years old, you're at Neverland Ranch meeting your hero. You've been playing Galaga all day. And then Michael Jackson's like, come on back.

I want to show you something. He bends over at the waist and spreads his ass cheeks. And it's like white guy, white guy, white guy, Luther Vandross, white guy, white guy, white guy. My name is Ryan Smith. Thank you so much. Oh my God. Holy shit. Thank you so much. Oh, my God. Holy shit.

Thank you. What the fuck? That was crazy, dude. That was fucking absolutely nuts. Thank you, I think. Oh, God. Brian. In my defense, I'm real out of shape

and had to run across the street, which is the most running I've ever done. You had to run? Yeah! I don't think you had to run. I don't think it's rigged. Do they make it so that you have to sprint? Right, no, definitely not. I had to lightly jog.

But who told you that? Dusty. Somebody told you to lightly jog? Yeah, he was just moving very quickly and I had to do that to keep up. He was walking. Yeah. Yeah. Right.

And we took a while to get there, but we found out he walked here, ladies and gentlemen. Just making sure. We would never make somebody lightly jog, especially somebody that already looks like they've been boiled today. Yeah.

You fucking guy. I've never met a rotisserie human before. This is absolutely unbelievable. I mean, what is that? What's up with you? Probably high blood pressure and a lot of drinking, Tony. Okay. Thank you. That's a special kind of pink. Yeah.

Some people refer to me as red sometimes, but that is that that's a special color. I'm never that color. Yeah, it turns out it gets worse the older you get. How old are you? 38. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Holy shit. This is fucking wild. 38 years old. What the fuck have you been...

What happened to you? Uh... You're 39? 30... Joel looks 20 years younger than you. I wasn't blessed enough to be born with melanin, so I'm just hideously drunk all the time. Okay.

So, hold on. What are you... Fuck. Okay. So, hold on. What are you... Fuck. Okay. Joel, you look like you've been hanging upside down for three days. No! I don't think there's any blood in the rest of his body. It is true.

Probably isn't, honestly. This is incredible. Thank you. I mean, do you ever exercise? No. Is this why you thought... Oh, that's not entirely true. Probably isn't, honestly. This is incredible. Thank you. I mean, do you ever exercise? No. Is this why you thought? That's not entirely true. Is this why you thought walking fast was jogging?

Yeah. Right. What kind of exercise happens? Every now and again I get really, really baked and do yard karate. You look baked. Bryant Smith. Brian Smith. Thank you.

Can we see some of your yard karate? I'm obsessed with this idea. Put the mic in the mic stand. I know you've got a lot of exercise in already today. And here it is. Give me some karate music. It's fucking anything. Yep, there you go.

That's really that's your. That's, really, that's your, that's your. Wow. Yeah. One of the horn players kinds of gets it. Okay, all right, that's enough. And a slow romantic fucking music, guys. Can I get some karate music? Anyone got a fucking, like,

what's the thing you take if you have an inhaler? Thank you. Brian, stick with me here. What do you do for work? I got fired on Wednesday. Okay, you do look like you've been on a fire. On fire, yeah. Okay, what did you get fired from? I got fired from T-Mobile.

What did you do to get fired from T-Mobile, exactly? So one of my coworkers and I had this game we like to play called Get AIDS. And so we would take a Post-It note that said Get AIDS on it and hide it around our store. And our boss found it and I got blamed. Why did you get blamed? Uh, because I told my boss to get AIDS,

like, earlier that week. What do you mean you told your boss to get AIDS? Uh, I disagreed with the decision she made, and I told her to get AIDS. What was the decision that she made, exactly? I want to know the behind-the-scenes where I, believe it or not, I'm a T-Mobile guy. I like T-Mobile. I'm a T-Mobile guy.

I like T-Mobile. I stand by T-Mobile. They use everybody's satellites. You get free Wi-Fi on flights. Believe it or not. Yeah, T-Mobile. I am loyal to the soil. No, I love the company, but no,

she was trying to get us to do like a stupid report at the end of every day, and it was stupid and for no reason. So I told her to get AIDS. Okay. Okay. Do you think you got a little hot headed? Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Jesky three for three tonight. Rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum, rum. So, what are you gonna do? Do you have money saved up?

Yeah, I've got a little nest egg. My rent's paid up through April and... How much, how much is in the nest egg? I'm always... After drinking at Poor Choices tonight, a lot less, but it's like 1400 bucks. 1400 bucks in the nest egg. Yeah.

It's funny you have a nest egg because you have fucking chicken skin, dude. Ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Goddamn! Yeah, who laid that egg? A red robin? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! Brum-brum-brum-brum-brum-brum-brum!

Oh, my God. We are back. Joel Berg and Jet Ski passing the ball back and forth. Shades of 2016, 17, 18, 19. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Oh, thank you, Brian. You're welcome.

Tell us something crazy about your life. You are an odd bird indeed. True. And I can't imagine. So I went through a breakup last month that was pretty bad. Oh, I bet you did. Let's talk about that. And believe it or not, I did the breaking up.

I think you mean breaking out. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Uh, okay. Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha!

Ha ha! Ha ha! Ha ha! Okay. God damn. You do have a little bit of what would we call that? What did we call that? Adult acne?

Adult acne, yeah, I guess. Okay, so you've always had it? I can't afford a fucking doctor. Right. No, I've had it for, it's been like 10 years. It's been bad. Okay. Is there something that you do?

Do you dip your face in a deep fryer or something? We're trying to, there's gotta be some type of habit that happens. Scared of soap? We all drink quite a bit, we all have fun. I'm pretty sure mine is, I used to work outdoors and I thought sunscreen was gay. Right, right.

And that'll do it every time, white people. Okay, all right. So let's go back to this break. All right, yeah. So how long were you with this girl? We were together about nine, 10 months. Okay. A pretty long relationship.

Did she look like you? I feel like she looked like you. Kinda, yeah, actually. Glasses a little bit, glasses a little bit big. Oh yeah. Yep, perfect. Yeah, bigger than me, but. Okay, there you go.

I like them large. Okay. But yeah, we, we. We got in a huge fight. Hold on, Andrew. I want to know what's on Andrew's mind. What do you mean you like him large? I like him fucking 5'6", 250, let's go.

You're, okay, got it, got it, got it. 5'6", 250, Red Band has entered the chat. Everybody's so incredible. Yo necesito una torta. Wow, okay. It's so incredible. Yo necesito una torta. Oh, my God. Wow. Okay. I just love the confidence. I love how you think it's, like, your decision.

Yeah. Well... Well... Yeah. Oh. You think this is all by your design. A great man once said, you eat where you can hunt. And I need him to be slow.

You saw me run over here earlier. Okay, so let's talk about the breakup. Yeah. Where does it happen at? Are you at a restaurant? It was via text. Oh. T-Mobile. Yeah. Okay. Putting my service to the most test.

Did you leave her on red? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Unbelievable.

Put those jet skis in the air, ladies and gentlemen. She is on fire. Oh my God. Holy shit. Jetski Johnson on tour. Jesus Christ. JetskiJohnson.com, Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle. Okay, back to the breakup.

Back to the breakup. Okay. So yeah, we got in a huge fight. What was the fight about? Let me guess, you told her to get breakup. Back to the breakup. OK. So yeah, we got in a huge fight. What was the fight about? Let me guess. You told her to get AIDS. Yeah. No.

What was the fight about? The fight was about we had a disagreement about some money. And then she expected me to read her mind and then started acting like a teenager. So I was like, no, I'm cutting it loose. She started being vague, booking about it and shit. And I was like, nah, I'm cutting it loose. Like she started like being like vague, booking about it and shit. And I was like, now we're done.

Okay. How much money were you guys are giving over? Like 40 bucks. 10 months of your life. Yeah. A woman that really liked you and you're willing to burn it all down. Yeah. I could do better.

Okay. All right. I love that you think that. I know. Okay. But she also, like, during that time, she was bipolar and went off her meds at the same time, said the most heinous thing I've ever had anyone tell me to.

I've been trying to sign up for the show a lot, been here twice. She said, you're not funny enough to make it, but you are ugly enough to make it on Kill Tony, so good luck. Oh, an honest woman. Yeah. You're right, I should call her.

I should call her. Okay. All right. Well, was that it? Just the breakup? Yeah, the breakup, the losing my job, the very heavy bender I've been on since Wednesday. When you say heavy bender, before I let you go, when you say heavy bender,

give us, paint the picture for us. What's a heavy bender to you? A 38 year old. I start drinking at like 11 in the morning. Oh my God, what do you start with? Miller Lite, usually your lone star. Okay, how many of those do you go through? Do you switch to liquor at some point?

Yeah, around one. One pm? Oh shit. Oh shit, and you were drinking while working at T-Mobile, obviously? No, I don't drink at work. Oh wow. Except for this job. except for doing comedy. But no, I don't drink at work. But

yeah, I would get off of work at like three, four in the afternoon, come home and a little shot. A little shot. So how many drinks total on a, let's say on an off day, like you are now, you're saying that you're on a bender. So how many drinks per day do you think we're going through now? I think I've had 15 today so far. Wow. Oh my god.

This is incredible. We are witnessing a slow suicide. This is amazing. Are you happy right now? Do you feel, is this the most exciting thing that's happened to you? Honestly, the audience is loving it, so I'm loving it. Thank you guys so much.

Yes, you should have heard them before you came out. They were quiet all night, just absolutely silent. Now, very fun. I'll tell you what, Brian. Normally, a guy like you would leave here with a little joke book, but you know what I'm gonna do? Not only am I gonna give you a big joke book, because if you're gonna write a suicide note,

you gotta do it right. But I'm also gonna give you a delicious can of nicked spearmint nicotine pouches. It could help you get off the bender that you're on, perhaps. Nicotine has a lot of amazing qualities. There he goes. Brian Smith, everybody. Thank you so much. Holy shit. We bet you didn't know.

Our new train's panoramic windows are ideal for contemplating whether texting them back so soon was the best decision. Get on board. Via Rail. Love the way. Hey, what's up? This is Joe from Past Gas Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show.

We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America. It was basically 45 days of hell or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper. We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories. It amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out Pascass wherever you get your podcasts. All right, let's have some fun. We're going to reset the room, ladies and gentlemen, with one of the best regulars in the show's history. A goddamn anomaly makes some fucking noise for one of your favorite comedians. This is Cam Patterson. -♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, people should research cucks. We need to look into them a little more. Nobody, that's weird to me.

I think about it a lot. I have a theory on why people do cuck shit. I have an idea in my mind. I think it start like real young. Like somebody like seven years old and it's like a thunderstorm outside and you don't sleep with your mom room no more, but you scared, you scared.

So you got to go in your mom room cause it's thunderstorm outside. You take your little teddy bear and your little blanket and you walk into your mom's room and she in there just getting donkey fucked. Like I mean, just head on foot. Just she getting, just demolished in your face. That's your seven.

Seven, she just getting fucked like hard. Like hard as fuck, man. And you go to her, who hit this man? Why is she doing this? And why is my dick hard? And that's how it would get started, right? And I really think it's usually just white people. That's y'all shit, really.

You clapping, you scared me for that. That's terrifying. Like, yeah, I like shit like that, nigga, hell yeah. The scariest part about the cuck shit to me as a black man is like, I'm who y'all looking for, which is scary. Really, like I do shows all the time and people always come up to me like, hey, hey, she look good to you?

You wanna fuck her? And I go, not for free. And I'm gonna tell you something, man. I told y'all this on the show before, my dick not huge, right? So I would feel weird going somewhere to fuck somebody's wife, and I pull my dick out, and he go, Nick, I could have did this. That would be Kevin.

Dan Patterson. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. That was great. You get that a lot on the show? A lot. Wow. Yeah, a lot. And you've never done it? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha If I was 24 and no way, I would have fucked the shit out that bitch. Let that nigga watch. My dad a weird nigga, man. He's a strange guy. Yeah.

Very strange guy. He scares me. I like you translated for yourself. We love your dad. I love him too, but he's crazy, dog. He a real fucking psychopath, man. What do you think would happen if you were a man? I would be a man.

I would be a man. I would be a man. I would be a man. I would be a man. I would be a man. I would be a man. I would be a man. I would be a man. I would be a man. I would be a man. I would him too, but he's crazy, dog. He a real fucking psychopath, man.

What do you think would happen if a couple offered him that opportunity? You think he would do it? Oh, he going missing for a couple hours. Somebody getting fucked. Some poor white lady getting fucked, dog. Wow. I told her that story when we was in Utah. He had this porn star, the OnlyFans lady,

and she was in the green room just showing her pussy, and my dad was like, this is the best day ever. So I told her, I told her, I told you that story when we was in Utah and he had this porn star, the OnlyFans lady, and she was in the green room just showing her pussy, and my dad was like, this is the best day ever. I'm so excited for this, it was crazy. Andrew makes a great point. He turned to me. He said it. Yeah.

It is a white thing, huh? Yeah. 100%. There's not a black couple in the world that would invite Red Band to. No, but that situation does happen a lot to comedians. Like these chuckle fuckers with their, like, slutty wives and stuff.

It's happened to you? Oh, many times. Many times. And it's disturbing because the girl's not ever hot enough. That's lie detected. Holy shit. Dude, we're just such big fans. ever hot enough. Lie detected. Hold on. Ha ha ha ha ha. Dude, we're just such big fans. I really want you to fuck my wife.

What happened to you two? You know. Ah. Cam, what else is going on? Man, other day I was, I went to Canada, Canada was cool. Okay. Hell yeah, I seen a red dot Indian nigga for the first time.

Oh wow. Yeah, never seen one before in person. Is that because you were pointing your Glock at him? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Tony, that was good, that was good as hell. Yes. You were at a convenience store and you go, give me everything in the room.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Wait, wait, wait, hold on, the red everything in the room. -"Dude." -"Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. The red dot... Hold on. The red dot Indians you have seen before. You've never seen an Indian from India? -"No, I've never seen one with a red dot. No." -"No, Cam is Cam."

-"The other ones are the ones that we kind of got out of here." -"I've seen the one, the regular niggas. I've seen them niggas, we got a sign. We have not seen niggas before. But I've never seen the goddamn. With the actual red dot. I've never seen a duke before. Pam was raised on the streets of Orlando, Florida.

Never seen a duke. And he never went anywhere. We've been, on these interviews during this show, we've seen him see snow for the first time. Wow. I was frolicing and shit, niggas. I bet. I bet. Yeah, frolicing, niggas. It's frolic worthy. Wow. I was frolicin' and shit, nigga. I bet. I bet.

Yeah, frolicin', nigga. Frolic worthy. Yeah, shit. Yeah, yeah. Good, snow is nice. I like snow. You gotta get gloves for that shit, because it's cold. Okay.

What? Real, real shit. You know that. Was it a man or a woman that had the red dot? You see this one, nigga? Huh? Don't let him bring me this shit. Don't let him bring me this shit.

You know it be cold, nigga. Oh my God. So, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna go ahead and say, I'm gonna Huh? Don't let him bring this. Don't let him bring this. You know it be cold, Nick. He's like, oh my God. So was it a man or a woman with the red dot? It was a dude. It was a dude. It was a dude with the red dot?

Hell yeah. Because usually it's a woman that has it, and it signifies that she's married. For real? So you met a gay Indian. Yeah. So you swore to God, dog. Swear to God.

I don't think his family would be cool with that. Where'd you meet? Something tells me they wouldn't be cool with that shit at all, dog. Where'd you meet this guy? I was in Canada, nigga. I know, but where in Canada? I know it's a big country. Not to me, nigga. I've only been to two places, Vancouver and Edmonton.

That's all it is to me right now. I was in Vancouver, though. Right, but were you at a store? Were you bowling? Was it a show? Oh, you know where I was. Gay bar. You know where I was, man.

What? At a store. You were at a convenience store? Yeah, where they spawn at and shit like that. Right, yeah. Exactly. You know what I'm saying? No, stop!

Stop! You get it there? Yeah, it proves, man. No, I don't do that. And you saw the red dot. What did, did you say anything to him? No, I was just like, this is crazy, dog. I heard about him a lot.

What did he say to you? What was he like, stop looting. Please, this is my livelihood. No, he just, you know what I'm saying, 1762. That's what he said. He said 17, that was the you know what I'm saying, 1762, that's what he said. He said 17, that was the price of like, the price of what I was. Did you swipe it over his dots? I should have did that, dog.

That would have been a hate crime, dude. Yup. Probably. That's crazy, we just saw a guy with a lot of red dots. Tight shit. It's true. It's good. It's true. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. And he does it. Yep. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Matt Gonzalez.

Everybody, here's Matt Gonzalez. Okay. What up, white people? How y'all doing? Yeah, y'all having fun? Have your fun now, while there's still no black pickleball players. Because, I mean, I've saw Jackie Robinson. I saw Tiger Woods.

You guys are gonna be pissed when you see a black guy dunk a pickleball. And while we're on the topic of dunking, the WNBA. All those girls are, they can cross me over. That doesn't mean I want to watch them make a layup. I just think they'd have a lot more viewers if they started playing shirts versus skins. Like, one rule, Britney Griner's always gonna be on shirts. Tell that kid to put his titties away.

I was thinking about this the other day. Whee! All right, we're in there. Go ahead, we want to hear it. Mackenzell is, what were you thinking about the other day? All right, I was thinking about, don't ask me why I was thinking about this. I might ask you why. You're in the interview part now. You're in the interview part now. Well, I mean, why are all dildos circumcised?

It's... It's... It's... It's... It's... You're in the interview part now. I mean, why are all dildos circumcised? Why were you thinking about that? I just finished jacking off. And I was looking at it, I was like, man, why is it circumcised? It's like, who owns Big Dill dough?

Like is it the Jews? What is the Dill dough? Okay. Matt, welcome. Have you been on this show before? You look familiar. Yeah, I've been on before. Okay. Remind us all. What do you do for work? Uh, I'm a mechanical designer. I make desks and shit. That was super boring.

Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up? Uh, probably about, like, a year and a half. A year and a half. Good premise with the black pickleball players. Yes. Thank you. Thank you. Uh... Sorry, Matt. You're good, man. I apologize. I had to use the bathroom.

You just missed it. I do apologize. I heard you killed. That's what the guys back there said, so I apologize. Yeah, appreciate it. He did good. He talked about that. There's no black pickleball players, and enjoy it now, white people, because when they start, just like with all other sports, they're gonna take over.

That is like the cucking of sports, huh? Yeah. Yeah. They're gonna get in there. Yep like the cucking of sports, huh? Yeah. Yeah. They're gonna get in there. Yep. Yeah, white people just keep making new sports until black people get good at it. Yes. Right.

That's true. You should add that to your... Add that to the thing. Yeah. That's the new best part of the whole joke. Yeah. It's called the X Games. Yeah. Yeah. Now, we do have to keep doing that. That's really interesting.

And when you're white and you get older, those sports are really appealing. Yeah. You just start doing like fucking four square with a net and shit and like spike ball. You guys like spike ball. Yeah. You're Mexican skin my bed. Spickball. Yes, it's Joel Berg. He can say that because he is Latino, ladies and gentlemen.

So, Matt Gonzalez, what have you been doing for fun? What does a guy like you do for fun? Man, I've been going to baseball games. This dude recognized me from the been going to baseball games. This dude recognized me from the show at the baseball game. Wow. He just, like, I'm getting a beer and he's like, yo, hammock!

I'm like, what the fuck? That's one of your jokes. No, it's, uh, all right. Why would he call you hammock? We found out in the interview that I sleep in a hammock. That's right. Do you still sleep on a hammock? Yeah. Wow.

You love it. Yeah. You love it. Yeah, I love it. I can't sleep any other way. I'm just like a... I need to know who makes those screws. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You... It's... It's by choice, though, sleeping in the hammock? Just a... At this point, yeah. Yeah. It's like... It's... It's by choice, though, sleeping in the hammock, just a... At this point, yeah. Yeah. It's like... It's been, like, too long. How long? How long has it been? It's been, like, two years, I think.

It's been... Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! It's been, like, two years still in there. Two years in a hammock. You have a sore back? Uh, yeah, actually, uh, believe it or not, I go to the gym. Um... And when I go to the gym, I lay down and, like, stretch my back,

and every single time, I just lay flat. I'm like, wow, this feels good. Yeah. If you had a ba... What's your living situation? This is crazy. Nothing changed. I still live...

We don't remember. We do this every week. Yeah, I still live with my grandpa. You live with your grandpa. Yeah. Does he sleep in a... He sleeps in a normal bed. Okay. It's Willy Wonka style.

They sleep in the same hammock. Yeah. Yeah. Sometimes I ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Sometimes I get cold, we cuddle. Okay. But he sleeps in a normal bed. Yeah. And where is your hammock located? Uh, in a totally different room. Right.

Oh, it's inside. It's an indoor hammock. Yeah, it's inside. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wow. Is it in its own bedroom? Yeah. Yeah, I got my own... It's a hammock room, not a bedroom. Ha ha ha ha ha. You're a funny guy.

Thank you, thank you. You are funny. I like the delivery. Yeah, it is. Great delivery. It is. You have a real natural knack at being funny. Thank you.

Do you do a lot of spots? You working hard? Yeah, I'm trying to go to spots every, uh, chance I get around town. Yep. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I've now missed both. Uh... -"Hahaha!" -"When you bring a girl back to the hammock..." -"Oh, yeah." -"What is the immediate reaction from them?"

-"What are you gay?" -"Hahaha!" What was that? What was that? -"Breathing on fire tonight." -"John Deez, what was it?" -"What are you gay?" -"Oh, what is that, John?"? There you go. He's taking credit. Okay, yeah, what is the reaction to that?

Uh, usually the reaction is like, all right, I can make this work. Wow. Wow, I thought it'd be a net loss. Oh, my God. She is in full jet ski form tonight. We've seen this before, ladies and gentlemen. The engines are fully operational on this jet ski.

Holy shit. Wow. So you're with women that are so unbelievably easy that they see a hammock and they're like, let's fucking go, big daddy. Do you try to go back to their place though? Like the whole time you're trying to sell, like, let's go back to your place.

Well, yeah, of course. I don't want to see it. I don't want them to see it. Like... What's your type, swingers? This is unbelievable. Let's switch spots. Let's switch spots.

I'll play the fucking trumpet. She's on fire, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. Jet Ski, Jessie Johnson, Rochester, Nashville. I should have given you all my dates. Check them out. No, but seriously, what is the reaction? Yeah, no, my what is the reaction?

Uh, yeah, no, my type is low-hanging fruit, though. Boom. Unbelievable. The hammock jokes are going ballistic here on Keltoni. Full swing. Oh, my God. Incredible. From post to post, the hammock jokes are elevated. Incredible. You can only do so many positions on that, right?

There is no doggy style. That's out unless you just have her bent over the actual hammock. But you can't be on the hammock yourself. That would be an absolute disaster, a ticking time bomb, if you will. He does it sideways, if I remember, right? Yes, yes, that's correct, Red Band. Oh, you remember.

You remember. Anywhere where the word ham is, Red Band's watching through a window. That's bad. Okay. He does a hammock, a bacon-ick, a cake-ick. Oh, my goodness. She likes black cock.

Fucking hell. What? What are you doing? What? Red band. Stick with the soundboard. All right. Matt Gonzalez. What? Is there anything else crazy? Any other updates we should know about your life since the last time you were on?

Where can people see you? Do you do stand-up here? Yeah, I do stand-up at, uh, small bars around town. Between trees all over the country. He goes... You might recognize him from Between Two Ferns with, uh... Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Hell, yeah. Hell, yeah. Yeah, no, I'm really just hanging out. Yeah, yeah. Hell, yeah. Yeah, no, I'm really just hanging out.

Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Catch him floating around all around town. So what's the longest set you've ever done? Uh, probably like 10 minutes, yeah. Love to have you do a short set at the Secret Show. Wow. Look at that. And you already have a big joke book, right?

You got a small one last time? Yeah, you took it away. Why did I take away your small jokebook? I already had one. You took it away. A small jokebook? Yeah. And so you've been on twice before. Both times you've been given a small jokebook.

Yes, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, this is it. That's where all the hard work gets you. Matt Gonzalez. Now, I'm gonna tell you, when I pulled this out, I noticed its special quality right away. Matt Gonzalez. Now, I'm gonna tell ya, when I pulled this out, I noticed its special quality right away. Because, take note, the drummer's name is Michael Gonzalez.

We sent him off to enjoy the show from the upper balconies for the first time ever. And since then, I've pulled a Brian Smith, a Cam Patterson, obviously, was set to go up, and a Matt Gonzalez, and now, ladies and gentlemen, in an unbelievable turn of events, your next comedian goes by the name of Peter Gonzalez, everybody.

This is your third Gonzalez on stage tonight. This is an anomaly. Make some noise one more time for Peter Gonzalez. What's up, How's everybody doing? That's good, bro. I'm from San Antonio. Yeah, I recently left San Antonio, and people always ask me why I left San Antonio, and the answer is I just got tired of remembering the Alamo.

That's like San Antonio's motto, you know? Every year I go, people are like, hey, do you remember what happened? I'm like, no, I don't. And it's not because I'm an asshole or anything. I'm just tired of, like, white people giving me tests. You know, like, I was at the Alamo Starbucks, and the waitress, she tells me,

hey, can I get a name for your order? And can I also, can you also tell me who won the battle in the Alamo? And I was like, nah, bro, next question. Yeah, I've been in Austin for a couple months now. Yeah, bro, yeah. Been here for a couple months and I like it, man. It's really different, you know?

Like, they got a lot of white homeless people here. Yeah, bro. Like, white homeless people are way different than regular homeless people. You know, like this guy paid my college tuition off and shit. Yeah, bro. It was like meeting Santa Claus on heroin. Okay, Peter Gonzalez, everybody.

Let's just get right into it. Peter, yeah, Andrew, go ahead. How long have you been in the stand-up? Two years. You're gonna be good. Oh, appreciate it. No, no, I'm not being facetious. I genuinely believe you're gonna be good. I'm figuring things out right now, but you got, I know it sounds crazy. It looks like I'm being sarcastic, but you're gonna be fucking good. I appreciate it, man, I love your shit, bro. Keep at it, keep at it, but I genuinely believe if you keep at it, you're gonna be good.

Thank you, man, I love your shit. You have an interesting energy, there's like a cool gravity. Obviously the jokes are gonna get there or whatever, but. Yeah, jokes are shitty, yeah, yeah. No, no, no, no, listen, it's two years in. None of us were fucking good two years in. The point is, you have something, I kind of just wanted you to keep talking.

Appreciate it, bro, thank you. Remember when that joke didn't go over and you were like, anyways, so yeah, I moved it. And then they started laughing because there's something about you. So keep at it, I genuinely believe. It's gonna take a while, as it does for all of us. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely.

But I'm excited for you, man. Thank you, Andrew, appreciate it, bro. Never do that Alamo joke again, though. Yeah, yeah, definitely. But I'm excited for you, man. Thank you, Andrew. Appreciate it, brother. Yeah, never do that Alamo joke again, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If it doesn't hit here, it's never gonna hit anyone. Most people don't know what the fucking Alamo is. No one? Okay, gotcha, gotcha.

So we don't remember. I just thought it was like some local humor type shit, but no, okay. You don't want to do that. People want to know about you, not your fucking outlook on some old historical fucking site. We gotta learn about Peter, huh? You also said white people are different

than regular homeless people. Well, I meant like there's more white homeless here. Like, it's just a lot more than San Antonio. There's a bunch of Mexicans in San Antonio. Over here, it's like, you know, it needs some nice lights. Okay, let's talk about it, Peter. What do you do for work? Right now I work at an office depot.

Okay, what do you do at an office depot? Do you stand outside looking for secretary work? Nah, bro. That deserves a bigger laugh for sure. Because Mexicans are usually at home depot. All right. Right, right, right. That's how you know they're coming up in the world, bro.

They move up to office, people. Standing outside of an office. Taxes, accounting. Who got some W2s, hoes? I take your fucking W2 right now. W2. Fucking write that shit off. Write off everything, fool.

Okay. Sorry, I'm fucking nervous. I'd love to be laughing right now. I'm just nervous as hell. You're okay. You're doing great, buddy. It's compelling. It's great. It's great. Appreciate it. Appreciate it. You're doing just fine.

You're the third funniest Gonzalez that's been on this stage tonight. Goddamn. You're doing great. No, you're doing fine. So, Office Depot. What do you do at Office Depot? I mean, like a salesman. I, like, sell paper to white people. Sell me some paper right now. Give him the single spotlight. I want you to like a salesman. I like sell paper to white people. Sell me some paper right now. Give him the single spotlight. I want you to sell me some paper.

Well, I'm about to get fired because I make such little sales. It's okay. No, you're doing great. They love you. But, yeah, I'm a pretty shitty salesman, honestly. I just throw out things. Okay, let's go full lights back up.

We gave it a shot. So let's say me and Tony walk in, and we're just like, listen, man, we ran out of paper, bro. We need some paper back. Yeah sir, can I help you to... What the fuck? See, I'm shitty, bro.

Bro, we need paper, bro. We need some paper. We have nothing for our printer. What do we do? What kind of paper would you like? Like, what are you looking for? Like, are you looking for like a specific... I want some nice stationery, actually.

I like fancy paper with, like, borders or something like that. Can you tell me where the... Don't say borders or papers to a Mexican guy, dude. I'm waiting for it! Joel Berg. Joel Berg. All right. Okay. Oh, bird. All right. All right. OK.

So you sell papers to Mexicans. Yeah. Yeah. I sell green cards, green card paper to Mexicans. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, but there are a lot of Mexicans that come in and need help getting their green card. That's basically what I'm for.

You know, they walk in, and I translate. I'm like, Nisita, you the green card? They're like, yeah. And I take them to the printer and help them out. Then they fall ice and you're like, they're fucking here, get them. Exactly. Get them, get them, we got another one. Peter, what do you like to do, how old are you?

I'm 31. 31, what do you do for fun? You go to San Antonio and hang out with the Machachas? Pretty much, like go see family in San Antonio. Yeah, but what do you do for fun? How does a guy like you let loose? I don't know, bro. I'm pretty bored. I just, like, smoke weed, sit at home,

and write jokes, perform a couple of times a week. Come on, there must be something. You must have a hobby, something. I play soccer, like, for, like, Sunday Amateur Soccer League. Oh, my goodness gracious. Yeah, I play with, like, 30 illegal Mexicans. Yeah. They've all been deported Yeah, I play with like 30 illegal Mexicans.

Yeah. Yeah. They've all been deported since, so it's just me now. Yeah. That's funny. Yep. No doubt about it.

Goals. That is good strategy, though. Like, if you're playing, like, the really good team in the league, and you know a couple of guys shouldn't be here. Right. Yeah, yeah, exactly. You make a phone call.

Right, right. Right, right, right, right. Okay. Peter, are you in a relationship right now? No, I haven't been in a relationship in a couple months, honestly, you know. What happened a couple months ago? What happened with that girl?

I don't know. It was, uh... You guys argue over 40 bucks or something? Uh... No, no. Um, shit, it's been a minute, honestly. Uh... Yeah, yeah, it was like this white girl I was with. But it wasn't really like a relationship. Where'd you meet the white girl at?

At my job. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah. That's the only way I get laid. I just meet girls at my job. I don't really... Tony, you can't spell deport without depo. I just meet girls at my job. I don't really... Tony, you can't spell deport without depo. I just... That is true.

That is true. So she came into office depo. What was she looking for, this one? No, this was when I worked at Target. Like she was a coworker. Yeah, she was a coworker. Wow, okay. She was a coworker at Target?

Yeah. And then how did it go down? You guys were in the break? We just smoked weed together. In your car? Yeah, yeah, and eventually we just started. What kind of car is it? What kind of Honda Civic is it?

Toyota Camry. Toyota Camry. I don't have a car anymore. It blew up a couple months ago. Absolute twin sister of the Honda Civic, for those of you. Yeah. Is it white? What?

Is it white? No, it's blue. What happened to your car? Huh? What happened to it white? No, it's blue. So what happened to your car? Huh? What happened to your car? I don't know, the engine just blew up one day, like a couple months ago, it just exploded. You don't know how to fix it?

No, I'm bad with cars, I'm horrible. I'm the worst Mexican ever, bro. I would have asked you. No, no, I'm the worst Mexican ever, bro. Can't speak Spanish, can't fucking fix cars, can't clean shit, I'm bad, I'm very bad. I'm a disappointment. You make up for it by playing soccer every Sunday.

Thank you, thank you. All right, Peter, what scares you? Are you afraid of anything? This shit, yeah, it's stage fright. Stage fright, other than that, what else? Come on, there must be something. Like, what scares me? Uh... Do you ever have a nightmare or something like that?

Nightmares. No. I don't know. I love Mexican city. I really don't know what to... Nightmares. No, I don't know, bro. I really have nightmares. What happened when you found out your name was called?

What? Like, what happened when you found out your name was called? You were gonna go on tonight. What was that feeling like? I was excited, bro. Like, I low-key knew it was gonna happen You were gonna go on tonight. What was that feeling like? I was excited, bro. Like, I low-key knew it was gonna happen.

I don't know why. I just, today I was ready to go. You did? I was just like, I don't know why. Yeah, I just knew it. I was just right. I was just smiling, just ready. Back at four choices.

Just kind of motivated. You could feel it when you went there today? Yeah, yeah. I don't know. I just felt it. I was just feeling good today. You have powerful instincts. Has that ever happened before, where, like, you thought something was gonna happen

and then it happened? Uh, no, no. Usually I don't... Yeah. No, no, I try to be... You are funny. I love this kid, man. Shulph is right about you. There's something in there. Keep fucking doing it. Keep working hard.

Don't ever do the... But make me a promise. You'll never do the fucking Alamo joke again, okay? All right. Never again, bro. Here we go. The tiny-ass joke book. All right. I think he has some great advice, which is just like kind of talk about yourself, man. Yeah.

Talk about what you're going through, and yeah, we're interested in it, clearly. Appreciate it. You're crazy likable, bro. Yeah. Thank you. You look like a fucking Pixar character, nigga. Oh, really? The fuck? Nigga, you're the future. Nigga, it was an impanto.

All right. Well, appreciate it. There he goes. Peter Gonzalez, ladies and gentlemen. There goes Peter Gonzalez. All right. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Tyler Langloy. Tyler Langloy, here we go. Make some noise one more time, everybody. These people wait all day for this.

Tyler Langloy. Hey, everybody. How's it going? You guys all seem very cool. You seem very nice. I was not cool growing up. And actually, in elementary school and middle school, my classmate, Tyler Langloy, was a very nice guy.

He was a very nice guy. He was a very nice guy. He was a seem very nice. I was not cool growing up. And actually in elementary school and middle school, my classmates used to make fun of me and say that I gave off serial killer vibes. But now that I've watched every serial killer documentary on Netflix, I realized that those were compliments. Yeah, most of those guys are pretty damn charming.

It's like, oh, you think I look like the kind of guy who can trick a woman into getting in my car? Thank you. I don't know why so many girls like serial killers. Like, I feel like I know so many why so many girls like serial killers. Like I feel like I know so many girls who are obsessed with serial killers. Like Ted Bundy murdered women and then had sex with their bodies

and they saw his picture in the newspaper and they were like, I can fix him. There he is, Tyler Langloy. Hi Tyler. Hello. It's your first time on the show, correct? Yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up?

I think like eight years. Eight years, where at? Jersey. All of it in Jersey? Yeah, Jersey, Philly. You still live in Jersey? Yeah, I flew in this afternoon. Amazing.

Just for this? I'm hanging out for a week. Sweet. Awesome. Look at you. Lucky guy. Eight years. From Jersey. What do you do for work in Jersey? I work at a pizzeria. A pizzeria. That is so Jersey.

It's as Jersey as it gets. It's like the last guy playing soccer on Sundays. How long you been working at a pizzeria? Too long. Yeah? How long is that? Right now, like, for this time, three years, but then there's been some other stretches. Are we doing a thin crust deep dish?

What are we talking about? We're doing thin crust. We're doing regular. We actually had Dave Portnoy at our pizzeria last week. Oh, wow! What was the rating? Uh, 7.4. That's a solid rating. That's really good.

That's pretty solid. That's a solid rating. That is really good. Did you happen to make that pizza that day? No, I took the phone call. Wow. And it said Dave's gonna be coming in around three or something like that?

Well, I found out that I guess New Jersey has like a pizzeria spy network anytime he's in town. So we got a phone call at like 11 a.m. It's like, Dave's in town. Wow. And then we were just prepared all day. That's my question.

If you know he's coming, is it a different pizza than you're normally serving? It was, we were like, if someone orders just a plain pie, let the guys know, cause we're making it special, yeah. Wow. Ah.

So that 7.4 is not fucking legit. I don't wanna shit on the pizza place. But I bet every place is like that, right? Exactly, yes. They is not fucking legit. I don't want to just fuck shit on the pizza place. But I bet every place is like that, right? Exactly. Yes. What's the name of the pizza place? Romeo's Italian American. Romeo's Italian American.

Romeo's... My boss is going to be so happy about this. Good. That was a really funny joke, by the way. Thank you. Yeah, that was a really funny joke, by the way. Thank you. Yeah, that was a really good joke. I thought that was funny. You guys can't see this, but your lack of ass is insane.

Let's see it. Turn around for us. Let's see that. Oh my God, it's incredible. It is incredible. It is thin crust. It's got that New York style ass. Whoa, he looks like a dog standing up.

That's crazy. He's got that... New York-style ass. Whoa. He looks like a dog standing up. That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy. Baww! Oh, my God. I'm working on it. I used to be, like, 400 pounds.

So you lost weight. Bravo! Bravo! Wow. How do you lose weight all out of your ass? I didn't, I never had one. It was worse before. That is incredible. I had negative ass before.

That is incredible. 400 pounds, how did you lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost it. Honestly, I started just going on walks and smoking a lot of weed. He's got the weed part down. Yeah, but the walk thing. I mean, how far a walk do you do?

Like five miles. Wow. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, like three times a week, five miles. Then I go to the gym. Oh, what do you do at the gym? Just lift some weights.

Usually get high for that too. Yeah, no problem. I gotta trick myself. Oh, what do you do at the gym? Just lift some weights. Usually get high for that too. Yeah, no problem. I gotta trick myself. Yeah, absolutely. Incredible. What else about you? What else about you, Tyler? Tell us more about your life.

Your parents live in Jersey, your whole family's there? Yeah, I live with my whole family. You live with your whole family? Yeah. How big is the family? I got two brothers, a sister, and then also my one brother's and my sister's significant other live with us too.

They all live in the same house. How many bedrooms is this house? Uh, three upstairs and two in the basement. Are you in the basement? Of course. Of course. Basement energies, if I've ever seen them before. It is absolutely incredible.

The home of the flat-ass people. They all go to the basement. So we are... we do a special thing here. You got a 7.4 from Dave Portnoy, but here on Killtony, we do a special thing. We go on Yelp, and we go to the lowest reviews possible. I'm gonna read a one-star review from Romeo's Italian Kitchen.

Ordered an Italian hot dog. You make Italian hot dogs? I don't make anything. But your place makes Italian hot dogs? Yeah. Right. What exactly is an Italian hot dog? I am Italian-American.

If anyone should know what an Italian hot dog is, it should be me. Explain to me what that is. Is it just a hot dog with marinara sauce and cheese on it? It's like more of a sausage than a hot dog. OK. It's got some, you know, onions, peppers, mustard on it. OK, let's go back to this.

I ordered an Italian hot dog. I had to recook the hot dog in my air fryer. The smallest amount of potatoes I ever had. They come with a side of potatoes? Oh, there's potatoes on it, yeah, yeah. Wow, mozzarella sticks also not cooked well. They are so chewy, unpleasant to eat. Will not go back there.

From Nancy. 11 months ago, go back there. From Nancy. Oh. 11 months ago. You worked there 11 months ago. I did. We got new mozzarella sticks since then. Oh, okay. Perfect. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Bruce, one year ago, says, I ordered two salads for delivery.

When they arrived, they were crammed in a bag that was so small they were spilling out. The delivery guy tosses the salads and they shockingly don't get caught and spill all over the ground. He tells my girlfriend it's her fault. She should be more careful and leaves. Why wasn't my order replaced at no charge?

Why is your delivery guy a psycho who blames others when his only job is handing off food without dropping it all over the ground and then leaving her to clean it up. Why do you use bags? So inappropriate for these items. I'm sure others have called you out on it. You disgust me and open my eyes to the joys of DoorDash.

Take care. There's a lot of questions. Would you like to answer any of them? Okay. Okay. Okay. Over two years ago, my wife and I found it interesting that the counter guy, the one that thinks he's really cool, was wearing sweatpants with the word yikes

boldly displayed on the front of his crotch. The front? What the fuck? This is crazy. Nice attire for a family establishment. We ate our bland pizza and left, vowing to never return. Vowing. Who says vowing on a one star? I mean, you must know, you worked there every day.

You must know the guy that wore the sweatpants with yikes across the front, was it you? It was not me. It wasn't you. But we caught you on the camera. Ha-ha-ha! Cooking pizzas on the sofa. All right.

I know the guy who thinks he's very cool, but I've not seen the yikes pants. Okay, here we go. Maybe he's retired them. Boss G with 11 likes, updated over three years ago says, greasy shit you can tell it's... ...

Greasy shit you can tell it's literal sweaty pizza and is so terrible. I had a terrible experience with the survive took way too long. Are we? There's a couple of Romeos. Is this the right Romeos? Oh, wow, wow, wow. What's the address? It is the one on Elton Adolfia...

Fuck. Laughter Applause Cheers Drumroll Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, I like your style, Tyler. You're leaving here with a big joke, but congratulations.

Thank you. And I can't wait to check out your pizza soon. It a big joke book. Congratulations. Thank you. And I can't wait to check out your pizza soon. It's gonna be great. You're awesome. You've been stepping up our game. I love it. No, by the way, those were just the one-star reviews.

Overall, it sits at a... Four and a half stars, 39 reviews. Yeah, 99 reviews, 4.3 stars. Bravo. Yeah. It's, 4.3 stars. Bravo. Yeah. It's, it's, Red Band doesn't know how to read, everybody. That's why it's Red Band, not Read Band, everyone. All right, there he goes.

Great stuff. Good job, man. Tyler Langlois, everybody. All right, let's get one last bucket pull out there. Is that cool? You guys have a little energy? Your final bucket pull of the night has the kind of name where he's probably eaten at a Romeo's Pizzeria before.

Make some noise for Vinny Rauchy, everybody. Vinny Rauchy. Oh, hell yeah. This guy must be the owner. All right, one more time for Vinny Rauchy, everyone. everyone. Ah. Can you guys imagine if races

were contagious? You know like the common cold and you get it for 5 to 10 days? You wake up one morning with a mild case of Mexican? You're like fuck, but the next day you got all your landscaping done yourself.

But all the drinks you have between those 5 to 10 You're like, fuck, but the next day, you got all your landscaping done yourself. But all the drinks you have between those five to 10 days are warm because you're afraid of ice. Something to think about. Or you wake up with a case of Caucasian, and your credit report is up 123 points. Or you got a call in to work, and you're like, Boss, I'm not gonna make it in today.

I'm feeling really... That's on you. That's on you. I didn't say anything. Hey, you guys hear about that new Mexican... All right. That's it. Keep going, keep going. About that new Mexican... All right. That's it. Keep going, keep going. About that new Mexican weight-loss immigration pill.

Not only are you gonna be losing weight and an Olympian at running, jumping, and swimming, but you're also, uh... Damn it. All right. All right. Oh, it's gonna be called Othem Spick. Sorry. Thank you. Check, check, check.

I'm... Here he is. Yes. Okay. All right. Vinny. What's up? Hi, buddy. How are you? I'm good. How are you? You remind me of something.

I don't know what it is. It's not human. It's not human? It's not human. Oh, wonderful. It's not human. It's not human? It's not human. Oh, wonderful. It's like something. It's like a, maybe it's like a pug. A-wee-maw-wee, a-wee-maw-wee, a-wee-maw-wee.

In the jungle. It is wild. The lion sleeps tonight? Absolutely. Okay. You look like a fish that owns a pawn shop. A fish that owns a pawn shop. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What do you think happened there at the end, that joke that you forgot? I knew I was coming up to a minute and I was contemplating not doing it,

but then I felt there was a little bit of time and I tried going too quick. How long you been doing stand-up, Vinny? About three years doing it, giving it my 100%. Okay, what do you do for a living? I am a maintenance tech for the apartment complex that I live at. Okay, where do you live? It's about 15 minutes north of here. Okay perfect. Far

west hills. Okay perfect. And you do maintenance. Will you ever get a crazy maintenance call? What's the worst thing you ever had to do? You ever have to plunge a toilet or something? There's I mean just the way some people live is just it's ridiculous. Right., it's ridiculous. Right. It's just ridiculous. You're Italian, right? I'm Italian, yeah.

So you're a very clean guy? I'm a neat freak. You have like black leather furniture I'm picturing, right? I do have a black leather couch. Oh my God. Okay. Now that's Italian. Yes, sir.

How many thrones? How many thrones do you have? Very good, Red Band. There you go. So, Vinny Rauchy. You have a girl? I do not. No.

You're single. I am single. How long you been single for? Shit. I haven't had a girlfriend in a long time, bro. Last time I was on here, we talked about I was a virgin until I was 28 years old. You've been on the show before? I have.

Wow. Who would think I would remember a fucking face like that? That was Jeffrey Ross. You think I'd remember a neck like that. What is that? I don't have a neck. What do you mean? It's unbelievable. I've been told I don't have a neck. No, you don't.

Yeah. It's incredible. You never could have played football because the helmet would have scraped up against your shoulder pads. It's unbelievable, Vinny. So, wow. 28, you lost your virginity. How did that happen? How's that possible?

Hooker in Amsterdam. Okay, yeah, but how did you not have sex before that? Did something happen when you were a kid, Vinny? No, no. I was always the good guy. I never, you know what? I was afraid of rejection. That's what it was, so I stayed the fuck guy. I never, you know what, I was afraid of rejection.

That's what it was, so I stayed the fuck away. That's right. That's right. And how about lately? When's the last time you had sex with a hooker at 28? How old are you now, Benny? I am 56. I just turned 56.

56. So what's your body count since the hooker? Since the hooker? Yeah. Shit, that was 96. I would say 10. Right. 10 or 12. Okay.

I mean, I feel like you know exactly. I don't feel like you lose count after 10. Well, I mean, in 96... I love that it's 10 or 12. No chance that it's 11. Yeah. Yeah, what were those two? Well, I mean, I lost it to a or 12. No chance that it's 11. Yeah. Yeah, what were those two? Well, I mean, I lost it to a hooker.

Yeah. And then I was there for a week, so I went back probably four times. But same hooker or different hookers? No, different. Different. Okay, so now you're at five. Yeah. Yeah. So you had sex with five girls in 96.

Yep. And then over the next 30 years, you had sex with five more? 96. Yep. And then over the next 30 years, you had sex with five more? Six or seven. Honestly, yeah. Well, I don't know. Five or seven more. You don't know. Whoa. That's what I'm talking about.

Forearms. Forearms. Yeah. No, I... I would say 15 at the most. Wow. Why the... Well, I mean, you made a good point. You were bringing it to light. Who lies down?

I'm 30 years. Oh. Who lies down? Be honest. It's 5, right? It's 5, right? It was 7. Okay, okay. There we go. There we go. Vinny, when's the last time?

Uh, so I moved here in 2020, I moved here in 2021. So September of 2021. 2021. Yep, because I was only here for a week and I was like, holy shit, I just got laid. What happened? How did you get laid that fast? Picked her up in a bar.

She was having problems with her cat. What kind of problems, what kind of problems is she having with her cat? She was sad problems with her cat. What kind of problems? What kind of problems is she having with her cat? She was sad because her cat, she had to put it on medication and she went to the bar and drank a bottle of wine and I happened to be there to take advantage. Yeah. Yeah.

Ha. Ha. Wow. Wow. True thirds. True thirds. Wow. Wow. True thirds. True thirds. Wow. Yeah. And then you get her back to your place? I went back to her place. Okay. Yep. And what was that like? Did you see the cat?

Um, I did. Did it look sick? No. It looked fine. No, it didn't. Yeah. It looked fine to you? Yeah. But it was on meds, so maybe the meds were working. I don't know. It looked fine. No, it didn't. It looked fine to you. Yeah, but it was on meds, so maybe the meds were working. I don't know. It was fun. It was a great time.

I like that. Yeah. Did you pet the cat? Did you talk to the cat or not? I pet both of them. Okay. Yeah. All right.

Yep. Yes, sir. Absolutely. Did you go down on her Franzia box? Wow. Red band. Getting verbal. Verbal red band, everybody. Okay. Vinny Rauchy.

Taking a girl to the black couchy. Yes, sir. Okay. Tell us what... Bro, your arms look long as fuck, dude. My arms? Oh, that is a thing. That is one of the things. Bro! You're training arms with a monkey. Bro, your arms are crazy. I do have long arms.

I-I-My dress shirts, they never fucking fit. That... Never. It's the arms, arms and the neck. Really... I really appreciate you guys building my fucking self-esteem here. I already told you I don't get paid.

Well, what are we gonna do, affect your pussy game? Help a brother out. Stop making fun of me. If you want compliments, go to Amsterdam and pay for them. Yeah. 50 Yilders. Vinny, thank you so much for coming back. Did you get a little joke book last time? I got a little one last time. Okay, well then there you go. You already got one. Thank you. Vinny Rauchy, everybody.

How fun. All right. This is it. You know what time it is, everybody. There's only one way to end an episode like this. With the icon. Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him There's only one way to end an episode like this, with the icon. Ladies and gentlemen, some people call him

God's gift to the universe. God himself said that. Some people call him the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, the one and only William Montgomery. -♪ Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! -♪ Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! -♪ Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Kamala Harris just signed with a major talent agency, and in all honesty, I didn't realize blowing people to further your career was considered a talent. Laughter Harriet the Spy died? Was she in too deep? I heard she was asking too many questions.

Laughter Michelle Trachtenberg is dead! Laughter Remember that show on VH1 called Behind the Music and how in every episode, the band was hotter than ever but offstage things were falling apart? Have y'all seen a Behind the Music lately? Yeah, who got the last laugh, VH1?

Fuck you, VH1! Fuck you! Did y'all know Osama Bin Laden made a skate video? Yeah, I listened to the audiobook. It's pretty decent. Okay, Tony, that's my time. William lights out. Whoo!

See, how did people... the Harriet the Spy joke. That's a wonderful joke. And nobody's laughing. I'm telling everybody backstage, nobody's laughing backstage. We literally... I think, is this a horrible idea? I've never in my life seen Red Band look up a joke in real time on his phone. He's like, what the fuck, Harriet the Spy?

But that's the girl that died this week. Yeah, I think she had a bad alcohol problem and had to get her liver fucking replaced. We had a 38-year-old up here earlier. If he's still alive, she's... Well, no, she's dead. and had to get her liver fucking replaced. We had a 38-year-old up here earlier. If he's still alive, she's... Well, no, she's dead. So, William, very fun.

What was that last thing that you trickled out there on at the end? What was that about? Just Osama bin Laden, the idea. He literally had a skate video. People don't realize that. A skate? Yeah, skate, like roller... uh, like rollerblading. Like a rollerblader. Rollerblading video, okay.

Yeah, like now that I know that. Now that I know that. He had a video of him rollerblading. Yeah, no, he's a really big rollerblader. A lot of people don't know that about Osama Bin Laden. They all think about 9-11, all this bullshit, but he's actually a really good rollerblader. There were actually some skateboard videos.

People loved him skateboarding. It's really cool. Seriously. Wow. And I literally, they made it into an audio book, and I literally was listening to the audio book on the way to Cleveland on Friday. What does that sound like, the audio book of him rollerblading? It's some Middle Eastern-sounding guy just kind of...

Yeah. Just this Middle Eastern sounding guy just kind of... Yeah. Just this Middle Eastern guy describing Osama. What I was listening to was skateboarding. It was a lot of skateboarding, just the different tricks. They're like, okay, he's going up into the pool. He just dropped in. He did a 360 on the way down. Just a lot of stuff like that.

Wow. And I know a decent amount about rollerblading, skateboarding, what have you, so I was able to really kind of picture... How do you know a decent amount about rollerblading, skateboarding, what have you, so I was able to really kind of picture. How do you know a decent amount about rollerblading? I started getting into it recently, Tony. You have rollerblades? Huh? Yeah, I have rollerblades. Are you serious?

Yeah. Are we, are you and I gonna go to the Barton Street Mall or Barton Creek Mall and go rollerblading in there? I think so. They let people on Wednesday mornings. I think we have a new fucking arena entrance for you. Oh, my gosh, hold on. What's Red Band doing? I'll go with you guys, if you don't mind.

You know how to rollerblade? I love rollerblading. Are you serious? Yeah, dude. You have rollerblades? Yes! Tony, I feel like we would go, and then we'd be like,

Hold on, where's Red Band? And we look behind us, and you're dying on the ground having a heart attack. I don't know if he... I think he has rollerblading and donut eating confused. But yeah, Redby, maybe you should... When's the last time you went rollerblading? It actually has been a while. I used to use it as an exercise,

like going really fast up hills, and then going down and trying not to die because there's no brakes. How many years ago was this? I would say five. Five years ago you were rollerblading up hills. I had all the protection, knees, hands, belly, everything, belly.

Yeah, okay. That's unbelievable. I picture Red Man going up hill on rollerblades and just going backwards. There's no way. Zero percentage. There's no way you would know how to fucking rollerblade up a hill. Seriously, there's no way. There's no way. Zero percent. There's no way you would know how to fucking rollerblade up a hill.

Seriously, there's no way. There's no way. No way. No way. That would take a ton of strength. How do you even angle your feet on that when Redman? You wouldn't even know how to do that. His knees would.

Yeah, they'd buckle like a fucking house fucking falling. You have great knees? No, weak knees. I have very weak knees. Wow. How do you know this? Because my knees pop out of place all the time, and the top bone and the bottom goes together.

I happened to at Skank Fest number one, remember? So I'm doing like jump on my knees. I do remember that. That's why he's not allowed to exercise. That's why he has to stay on the couch all day because his knees click in and out. That's why I tell Janice. Yeah, kill bad knees over here.

OK. William, what's been going on this week? Well, I left Tony. I had a really good time last Monday just hanging out in Mitzvies, and I get back out to my car and my car's gone. And I think, oh, and then I come back here. And one of the nice police officers talks to me and tells me that they took my license plate as well,

so I'm thinking, this is some weird conspiracy. Somebody's getting my ass, and I make it to the tow truck place at, like, 2 a.m., and my license plate is off the car. I have to spend $300 on that. I just spent $500 on the actual ticket. It was this nightmarish $800. I'm fucking $800 in the hole right now.

I literally did buy a couple skateboards recently. Seriously. So this isn't good, but yeah. And then I finally have Texas plates now, though. I had my Tennessee plates on, so they ran the... I didn't realize. I had a newer Tennessee license plate, and I didn't realize the numbers and letters

were different on it, Tony. So they ended up running the plates, so it said it wasn't for my car. So they took the license plate, and I didn't realize the numbers and letters were different on it, Tony, so they ended up running the plates, though it said it wasn't for my car. So they took the license plate, and then I'm at the fucking tow truck place, just sleepy and feeling really grouchy, and there's no place to fucking sit. Yeah.

But yeah, that happened last Monday, and then I went to Cleveland on Friday and Saturday, and it was a lot of fun. Cleveland was fun. The lovely hilarities. It was a bunch of fun. No, it was not at hilarities. Oh, where were you? It was a, uh, it was an improv now. It's a funny bone.

It's the what? Funny bone. Oh, boy. Yeah. All right. It's the funny bone. I mean, it was, uh, let's just say something else, Tony. Yeah. All right. It's the funny bun. I mean, it was, uh, let's just say something else, Tony. Yeah.

No, it was really nice. I had a very nice time. Oh, okay. Okay. I love it. And the shows went good, everything smooth. Yeah, shows were good. They were good.

What else is going on? Anything else crazy? Still just rowing. I've 19,000 meters since yesterday. Wow. Fucking three hours of sleep, go fucking row 10,000 fucking meters, listen to a bunch of Beck, his old school Beck.

I'm back in my days of partying in fucking LA, doing my blow. Wow. So it was exciting. And then I went back today, I'm addicted to it now. I get real addicted to stuff. So when it's cocaine and alcohol, it was a real nightmare, but now I'm just addicted to the rowing.

So that's luckily, I think a lot more healthy. Yeah, you're addicted to rowing. You have been addicted to many things. Would you like to list off some of the things that you've been addicted to, to this audience? Fuck, I mean, obviously puzzles. Went through a giant puzzles phase. And I actually bought a puzzle table.

I fucking bought myself a puzzle table for Christmas, and I haven't used it. It's sitting behind one of the doors. It's this wonderful puzzle table. Have you done puzzles on a normal table since then? I was doing it on a little card table. No, I haven't done any puzzles. I just stopped, and I've probably ate unopened puzzles

at my place right now. Wow. Wow. What made you stop? It just got so hard looking for the little pieces. Looking for the little pieces. That would be... Like, you got to look for the border at the beginning. Like, that starts turning into a nightmare.

It's like, okay, I'm looking for another border piece. Then you look for the specific colors, and then it just starts becoming such a drag. And it's so nice Joel and Jesse are here tonight. It's so nice. It's like we're back at the Comedy Store. It's a drag. And it's so nice Joel and Jesse are here tonight. It's so nice. It's like we're back at the Comedy Store. It's a family reunion here. A lot of fun energies here.

Would you like to list off some more things that you were addicted to before we let you out of here? Prune juice. I'm currently addicted to prune juice. Tony, I had some squirts earlier. Yup. I fucking get back from Cleveland last night and I'm farting so bad. I had to sleepirts earlier. Yep. I fucking get back from Cleveland last night and I'm farting so bad.

I had to sleep out on the couch. It was bad. I'm farting all the time if I don't drink my prune juice. Wow. Albrein Buds, that's another kind of doo-doo related thing. Super addicted to those things. Used to love Whippets. Still love Whippets. You went through a Whippet phase?

Oh, yeah. First time I ever heard Fish, the band Fish. I was doing Whippets in my buddy's Volvo in high school, and then they came a big... Is that what it takes to make Fish sound good? Yes. Yes. Uh, fuck. Board games. I was really into board games. What was the hardest one to break? What was the hardest one to break?

What was the hardest addiction to break? Yeah, I mean, raisin bread. That was a big one. I don't know. It was, uh... Yeah, thank you for ever said that. That was a huge one. But actually, I was watching a video on YouTube about Dollywood, and they have this wonderful fucking raisin bread, and it was making me think last night

I need to go to the store and buy some raisin bread. But I didn't. I held strong. But it was the best-looking raisin bread at Dollywood. It almost broke my sobriety on that. Yeah, I have to stop doing this. Seriously. Wow. But right now, rowing's the thing. Rowing's the thing. With no end in sight. No end in sight. Now I wanna get across the Atlantic.

It's... Really? That's my goal. Oh, we would love that. Oh, we would love that. We would sponsor that here at KilToni. We would... Well, if we actually did it,

there'd have to be boats around me, but we could maybe do that. How cool would that be? Well, you know, I think the real way to... I think the real way to do it is with no boats around you. I think the real way to do it... Or just me go out there into the Atlantic? Fearless, yeah. Yeah.

What? What did you say? No. Okay. Well, let's think about it. But the rowing, it's every day, and there's no end in sight, huh? No, I pretty much think I ain't... Am I gonna stop rowing? William Montgomery has done it again.

Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. For the love of God, you have no excuse. You absolutely must. Every single goddamn one of you, this is an order. You go to Netflix and watch Life right now and you enjoy the fuck out of it. Andrew Schultz, the great and powerful. How loud can this place get for Andrew Schultz?

Another homework assignment, April 16th. You go to YouTube, Don't Tell Comedy, and you fucking support the great Derek Posten, everybody. Truly one of the top young rising comedians in the world. How about one more time Vroom Vroom Jetski Johnson. She's on tour, jetskijohnson.com. Portland, Nashville, Rochester, Seattle, all these amazing places and much, much more.

No doubt about it. How about one more time for the great return of Joel Berg Joel Jimenez ladies and gentlemen. Lesser known characters and Dogs of Browntown are two of his podcasts. He has a huge show, him and Jetski have a huge show at the Comedy Store March 19th, called Off Beat. And they play music and they fucking are hilarious,

obviously. Thank you to Nicked and YKD. Those are nicotine pouches. The drawing from Ryan Jaye Belt is in. It is absolutely incredible. Actually, check this out. This is a view, guys. Ryan draws while he's in Los Angeles.

Let's check in with the drawing from the great Chris Rogers. What has he got? Ari Matty. Ari Matty on overdosing on testosterone. Absolutely incredible. It's the incredible Ari. It's Ari Leno, everybody. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Groove Line Horns. How about one more time? Michael Gonzalez watching from somewhere.

Oh, there he is. He's gonna play us out. Thank you, everybody. God bless Killtoni. Red Band. Check out Sunset Strip atx.com. Love you guys. London has been announced the O2 arena. Whatever you do, I can't, maybe there won't even, there shouldn't even be tickets available. I can't believe. And by the way, we're going nowhere else.

People have been asking, are you going to Ireland? Are you going to Germany when you're in Europe? Fuck no. One night, the O2 arena, if you live in Europe, you go to the fucking O2 arena and see us. We're not coming to Germany. We're not going to Paris. You fly to London. This is your chance. All right. Everybody have a good time tonight?

Yeah! Schultz, anything else? Thank you, bro. This was amazing. We love you so much. Love you. Love you. We love you. God bless America. Good was amazing. We love you so much. Love you. We love you. God bless America.

Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Bye!