KILL TONY - #712 - ADAM RAY + RICH VOS

Episode Date: March 25, 2025

Adam Ray, Rich Voss, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 03/10/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM Right now, our listeners get 35% off when you order at https://nykdpouches.com/tony. You can use this code up to three times! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquad.tv. And now, here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, y'all.

The No. 1 live podcast in the world is going back out on the road again. Our first time since Madison Square Garden of last year. Truly traveling. As you probably know, Night 2 of Nashville sold out, but you can still get tickets for Night 1, April 4. year. Truly traveling. As you probably know, Night 2 of Nashville sold out but you can still get tickets for Night 1. April 4th. There is also the London 02 Arena. Massive, massive arena. It's our only show in Europe. That is June 7th. I'm doing stand-up comedy in some arenas like the Maverick Center just outside of

Salt Lake City, Utah. April 18th. Reno, Nevada. the Grand Theatre, the Honda Center in Anaheim, California. I can't believe I get to go all the way back to the West Coast to do standup in a legendary arena like that in Anaheim, May 9th. Resorts World in Las Vegas, May 10th, announcing this week, Connecticut, the Mohegan Sun. I'm doing standup on July 11th. Edmonton, Canada, July 18th, Vancouver, September 14th. And if you're a wrestling fan, I will be hosting the Roast of WrestleMania Sunday night 420 after night two of WrestleMania right there in Vegas. Huge guests, huge surprises.

Make sure you check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club on Sixth Street and of course the Comedy Mothership. Shows will be going on sale soon for another big Monday release. We love you, God bless America. Enjoy the show. I'm gonna go get some food. Hey, this is Redback coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony H. Grant! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives tonight, huh?

Make some noise for Brighton Ray Band everybody! And one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Live in the flesh, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Balgrondes, Sí Señor. That's Big Mike on the drums, huge. It's a little bit bigger every single week. He's growing like a chia pet. Matt Muehling on the electric guitar, ladies and gentlemen.

John Dees on the keys. And this is indeed live in the flesh, D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God. It's indeed live in the flesh, D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my god. How exciting is this? We have a hell of an episode ahead of us. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible.

With the Fizz loyalty program, you get rewarded just for having a mobile plan. You know, for texting and stuff. And if you're not getting rewards like extra data and dollars off with your mobile plan, you're not with Fizz. Switch today. Conditions apply. Details at fizz.ca.

FanDuel Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants his last parachute? I do. Enjoy the number one feeling. Winning in an exciting live dealer studio, exclusively on FanDuel Casino,

where winning is undefeated. 19 plus and physically located in Ontario. Gambling problem? Call 1-866-531-2600 or visit connectsontario.ca. Please play responsibly. Breaking news, a brand new game is now live at Bet365. Introducing PrizeMatcher, a daily game that's never ordinary. Please play responsibly. How can you match that? Check out PrizeMatcher and see why it's never ordinary at Bet365. Must be 19 or older, Ontario only. Please play responsibly.

If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connexontario.ca, T's and Z's apply. You guys ready to start the fucking show or what? This is Killtony brought to you by ZipRecruiter and Shopify. I'm so excited about tonight's guests. This is actually a repeat of two guests that have been on together before. One of them has the newest special on Amazon called Anonymous. We love him, one of our New York brethren. The other is literally perhaps easily known as the greatest guest in Kiltoni history. Former guest of the year, reigning Hall of Famer. Ladies and gentlemen, it is indeed Adam Ray and Rich Voss.

Oh my God. Adam Ray, they're on their fucking feet. They're on their feet. The best bands in the world. You know, you love them. Oh my God. Sit down. Sit your fucking asses down. Rich Voss has the newest special on Amazon. It's called Anonymous. Welcome, Rich.

Thank you for having me, and I'm glad because I requested Adam. Yeah, yeah. And thank you for coming, Adam. Yeah, I appreciate it. I'm telling you, this is great. Thank you for coming. It's good to be back. I love it. Ladies and gentlemen, the man, the myth, the legend.

A lot of people mention his name when they're on this show. Where do I even begin? The great Tony Car myth, the legend. A lot of people mention his name when they're on this show. Where do I even begin? The great Tony Caruso's favorite comedian, Dr. Phil's favorite comedian, fucking Jeremy's favorite comedian. Dumb bitch girl. What's her name?

Why am I? Elaine, Elaine's favorite comedian. A lot of people- You should remember her. You tried to fuck me in costume that night. Yeah. Red Bank. I do not remember that. Red Bank gets enough vodka Red Bulls in him.

He just goes for what he sees. Happy to be back. I love this fucking show. Good to see you again. And we love you. And my wife, who loves this show, is seeing it live for the first time tonight. Give it up for her. She's fucking here.

But very fast. We very fast. Not gay. We love her. Not gay. And my wife is home fucking somebody else. Keep it going for Rich Voss. That's a big deal. He let somebody step in. And I will not wait another moment before saying that Adam Ray

just launched a 40 city plus comedy tour. Adam Ray comedy dot com. The man is fucking thriving. We got one is Phil. Dr. Phil is on tour. You can get those tickets at Adam Ray comedy dot com. All of these shows are unbelievable. Adam and I were door guys together at the comedy store.

Yeah. Seventeen and a half fucking years ago. Just me. What were you saying? I was going over auditions that I wasn't gonna book. I was like, Tony, I got two lines as the waiter. Does this sound good? Your food, sir. And Tony's like, you're not gonna get it.

You should quit and move to Austin. We sucked. We sucked, but God damn it. We kept fucking working and nonstop every single night having fun, cracking each other up, and fucking we believed in... Joe Rogan. That's right. Thank God for him. That is correct.

That's all it takes. A workout like a hope, a dream, and Joe Rogan. Yeah. I'm still a doorman. Yeah. Ooh. It's all right. Hey, hey, it's fine. 282 comedians signed up for the opportunity to be in this bucket.

Absolutely anything can happen. We're going to let this young librarian pull the first name here in the front row. Congratulations. And here it is. We're going to go wrangle that first comedian that is out of the bucket. But while that happens, and just a reminder, if you don't know, they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten.

Ah! And they have to wrap it up, and then they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. Boo! And then I interview them and we find out more about them. These people out of the bucket have no idea that they're going on stage until just minutes before. But I do have a few regulars and special treats

on tonight's lineup, and we will start this one with a bang. It is as big of a bang as it gets. Ladies and gentlemen, starting tonight's show, your first minute is indeed another KilToni Hall of Famer. He is indeed another KilToni Hall of Famer. He is indeed the record holder for all time appearances on this show. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla.

Some the Memphis Strangler. Some people call him the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery! -♪ I'm William Montgomery twerking my ass off, and y'all can't even make it rain? That is the disgruntled undercover cop at an all-black club. This next one is a gastroenterologist about to retire, but he finds out

he has one last colonoscopy to perform. Man, I'm getting too old for this shit! Okay, I was going for a Danny Glover lethal weapon on that one. Fuck. An Air India flight had to turn around and go back to the airport because it smelled so bad in the cabin, and people were surprised by that.

Okay, that's my time. Thank you. Booyah. Another minute from William Montgomery. Sounds low. What just happened there? Are you guys fucking with knobs, like in between things, sound guys?

We good? I mean, seriously, use fucking with the knobs. I don't know why you would turn me down and then you have to hear me. I'm going up first tonight, don't fuck with the knobs! Keep me up. Keep me up. You guys are doing too much. I gotta take your chair right now, dumbass!

You're trying to do too much. Keep my volume up. Tony called me in early tonight, man! Keep it up. They'll yell at them some more, William. Yeah, I mean, seriously, don't fuck it up. This is a big thing. Wait, can you do... Your wife is watching for the first time.

Don't fuck this up. Can you do it once as Danny Glover? Hey, what y'all doing with the sound back there? So good. For a second there, I closed my eyes and I thought Danny Glover was here. That was absolutely incredible. I had no idea you were a master of impressions.

What other impressions can you do? Oh, what do you mean, Tony? Yikes. Leave it in, Yoni. Filipino. Oh, hello. Do you want some French fried rice? French fried rice, yes.

A very popular treat in Filipino culture. What else have you got? That's still Danny Glover, by the way. Yeah. Tony! Okay. Yeah. Who was that? I was going for, like, Antonio Banderas or something like that. Oh, yeah.

Tony! Where's my horse, man? That wasn't as good. That's a spot on him. Can you do an impression of a guy that uses hair conditioner? Man! That wasn't as good. That's a spot up. Can you do an impression of a guy that uses hair conditioner? What the fuck is that supposed to mean, right? Oh, because I don't have hair? If that thing was any dryer, it'd be my wife's pussy.

I love how you roasted you, him, and your wife at the same time. Fuck her, she's not here. That's a triple threat. That is absolutely incredible. That's like a French fried rice or something like that. William, how's this week treating you? It's wonderful.

I'm up to 80,000 meters on the row machine, Tony. I am not stopping. I'm doing it every day. I'm doing 10,000 fucking meters a day Nobody's gonna stop me doing this Tony. Wow. I'm feeling as strong as ever I went to the fucking doctor last week my my blood pressure was okay. There was a giant concern for me I thought my blood pressure would be horrible, but it was okay. What was it at? I think it was 150 over 140 or something. Is that, what is it, is that good?

That's good, great. That's great. So they told me. That's some of the best blood pressure I've ever heard. Yeah, that is incredible. 150 over 140, absolutely amazing. Wait, hold on, so your wife's pussy is really that dry? I don't know, I haven't seen it in two years.

What is the self-partnered thing that you mentioned? I've never heard of that before. Self-partnered, it was again, it was a lot of what I was doing, I think in high school. It's when you basically choose to just love on yourself. You don't need any fucking, you don't need any woman in your life. You don't need any man in your life. You just work on yourself. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

Do you have a girlfriend? I do have a girlfriend, but I'm also self-partnering. Really? So I'm working on myself, and I'm also in a good relationship, so I'm doing two things right now. I'm fucking... Wow, it's like a three...

Self-partnering and I have a relationship. It's like a threesome. Yeah. Self-partnering and a girlfriend. I know, because I'm working on myself right now, and I'm also in a good relationship, so it's, yeah, it's like I'm doing two different things right now. You ever role-play in the bedroom?

You ever do a little Danny Glover in there? Little Danny Lover? Bitch, get your ass on the bed! Shh! No, that's stupid. Does she ever think she's having sex with a scallop? With a... Just because of how having sex with a scallop? With a... Just because of how I look?

Scallop? No pigment. Yeah, yeah. They fucking laughed. Please help me, Tony. You're trying to be me. You're doing great, William. You're doing great. You're an international rock star. Everyone loves you.

You've been rowing a lot. I've been rowing a lot. What do you listen to when you row? Uh, America. America's first album, the album with Horse with No Name on it. The album's about 45 minutes long, and I row for about 42 minutes. Great.

All the songs, yeah, it's been America this past week. What do you do with the other three minutes that's remaining in the music? Do you listen to that? I get off of the row machine and I curl up in a ball on the ground thinking I'm fucking dying so I don't really listen to the last three minutes of it.

Very good. Incredible. Red Band has been looking for a physical outlet. He needs to exercise. Would you be able to train him to row? I would love to if you would be willing, Red Band. Seriously, I try to talk to him about this all the time, about getting better, but it's like you refuse to.

I think you've gotten too used to being sedentary at your places where you live. I think you've gotten way too used to that. You're very still. Let the record show. I was picking bugs off of you before the show because bugs thought that you were a rock. Welcome to 50, guys. That's...

Wow. Thank you. How old are you, William? At 38. Wow. You are something else. 38, yeah. You don't look a... I look older or younger.

You literally look like you fought in the Confederate Army. It's absolutely incredible. You don't look that... I look older or younger. You literally look like you fought in the Confederate Army. It's absolutely incredible. He does. He looks like a time in life Civil War chess set piece. General Montgomery. William, you look like the first guy that claimed he saw Bigfoot. That is true.

I like that one. That's a compliment. Wait, what do kids, how old do kids think you are when they meet you? Have you met kids? This is a weird question. What's? I tell people I'm 29.

When I meet them, I tell everybody I'm 29. Yeah, what do they say? Let me see your ID. Yeah, yeah, a lot of that. Yeah, I don't think people believe me. Have you been around kids like nieces and nephews or? Yeah, I have two little nieces. You strike me as someone that would be good with kids.

I mean that. Yeah, I'm like. Because you're silly, right? Yeah, oh, I I have two little nieces. You strike me as someone that would be good with kids, and I mean that. Yeah, I'm like, yeah. Because you're silly, right? Yeah, oh, I love my sweet little nieces. You ever go to the playground and just like stand there and stare at kids? No, Tony. Just to be funny? Because like you have a look.

I can't. You have a look in which that would kind of be hilarious. It would be funny if you did that and like had like a prank show and videotaped the parents around that are like watching you watching the kids and like I don't know. I'll think about it this week. Okay good to tell you, you look better than ever. You look healthier than ever. The Role Machine is doing you good.

Thank you, Tony. How about your first comedian of the night, William Montgomery, huh? It's as big of a deal as it gets to start the show. And now we switch over to the bucket. We're gonna meet this person all together. Absolutely anything can happen. Every regular, every golden ticket winner, they were all found out of this very bucket And now we switch over to the bucket. We're gonna meet this person all together. Absolutely anything can happen.

Every regular, every golden ticket winner, they were all found out of this very bucket with a little undertaker watching. Anything can happen. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Cameron Frisk. Cameron Frisk. Yeah! Thank you very much.

You're the best. You're the best. Thank you, sir. Fuck yeah. I don't know about you guys, but I'm kind of tired of divorced people getting remarried, acting like I should give a fuck again. You need to come to the rehearsal. You got to come to the rehearsal.

Bitch, it's your third wedding. The fuck are we rehearsing? You've walked down the aisle to living on a prayer three times. Third wedding. The fuck are we rehearsing? You've walked down the aisle to living on a prayer three times. Different groom, same finger, figuring the fuck out. But Cameron, I know it's important. You got to fit it into your schedule. You got to fit it into your schedule.

How about you fit into your first wedding dress? And I'll fit it into my schedule. Yeah, all those wedding cakes are adding up, mom. You fat bitch. Yeah, my mom loves that joke. Uh, yeah, my mom's always wanted one thing, too. It's just for one of her children to be successful, which has always hurt, because I'm an only child.

I was like, all right, let me spitball you this idea. How about you have another kid and give this one to a mom that won't fuck it up, how about that? All right, I'm Cameron motherfucking Frisk. Thank you guys. Cameron Frisk, a rare episode where we have two Confederate soldiers back to back. Absolutely incredible.

The South has risen again. Do you know a lot of divorced people that are getting remarried? Yeah, I literally went to this girl's third wedding. It's insane. White trash people love just fucking, I don't know, destroying vows with people. It's crazy.

That's so wild. I've never heard of such a thing. Rich? It's very funny, but as a Jew, when you came out like this, uh... a little offensive. I apologize. It's hard.

You guys are so sensitive, your people. You can't put your hands in the air a certain way around us anymore. Yeah, you better be autistic, man. Yeah. Um, what, uh, how long have you been doing stand-up? A year and eight months. Let's go.

Where are you from? I'm from Ojai, California. Oh. What's your fallback plan? Uh, fallback plan, go back to doing construction, like I already was. Yeah, but you keep doing this, man. A year and eight months is nothing.

You just keep fucking doing it, and let me tell you something. You do it. I pretty... Where have you been doing the year and eight months? Mostly in Ojai? No, there's no stand-up in Ojai, so I was going to, like, Ventura

and then driving to L.A. a bunch when I was in California. Were you born and raised in Ojai? Yeah. They say it's a natural energy vortex. Do you feel that? Absolutely not. That's some hippie woo-woo-woo. But you wouldn't even know that because you were born and raised there, right?

Yeah. Do you feel a little bit slumpy and slouchy when you're in other places? No, you just go to Sedona and I feel better. No, not at all. You're kind of white trash though, right? Because you know people that are getting remarried. One could say that you are. You drink PBR?

Yeah, I drink a PBR. PBR vibes from you. Certain people I can just fucking feel the vibe. Chewing tobacco, PBR, Uh, yeah, I drink a PBR. PBR vibes from you. Certain people, I can just fucking tell. Chewing tobacco, PBR, all the good stuff. Right, absolutely. And what do you do for work? Uh, well, now I'm a barista, because I quit construction, and when I moved here... What?

Toughest job in the world. This is what the baristas in California look like now? Holy shit. Trans-lesbian women, yes. Wow. Do you work with a lot of LGBTQ? No, a lot of lesbians, but you've been there. There's hot women that work there.

Wait, I've been to the coffee shop in Ojai? No, to the one in Austin where I work now. Brana. Oh, okay. You work here. My bad. Yeah, I work. I know how you do it. I was a house painter for like 14 years, then moved here. Literally couldn't get a job doing anything.

There's jobs everywhere. Couldn't get hired. And then that place was the only place that hired me. But your work background is what are you good at? Construction, I guess. You were looking for a construction job in this city, and you settled for Barista? Yeah. Have you looked outside at all? I did.

There's literally cranes and... I applied to... This is literally the fastest growing city, I think, in the country right now. I know, but you want me, I guess. Did you try? I did try. I applied to like 300 jobs, it's crazy.

What's the dream job? Dream job? Well, obviously this, but I don't know, probably owning a contracting business to build shit if this doesn't work out. You, probably owning a contracting business to build shit. If this doesn't work out. You should. You should just start that from scratch. You should do that, and you should hire people

using ZipRecruiter and the promo code KELTONI. I used ZipRecruiter. They didn't work for me. Do you mean... Really? You mean it worked for you too much. Yeah, yeah. I had too many offers. That was the problem. Do you mean any hot girls making coffee? There's so many hot girls. This town is full was the problem. Do you meet any hot girls making coffee? There's so many hot girls.

This town is full of hot women. Do you close any deals? No, I brought my girlfriend here. I brought sand to the beach. I'm an idiot. What the fuck is wrong with you? I don't know. What does your girlfriend do for a living? She works in tech, so she's crushing it.

Wow. She works in construction tech. Yeah, AI company. She sells it, I build it. Okay. You think she's gonna hold on to you? I hope so. How long have you lived in Austin?

Six months. Six months. How long have you been with her? Uh, about three years. Three years. How do you keep things interesting? How do you stay, uh, loyal and happy with one woman for three years? Just curious to know. Yeah, well, don't cheat on her. That'll do it.

Don't get married to her quite yet. I'm not asking you what not to do. I'm asking you what you do to keep things exciting. Uh, to keep things exciting? I don't know. She's a badass. She's fun. I don't know. That's... If you made more money than her, what would your answer be? Laughter

We'd be on a boat. We'd, uh... Yeah, we'd be doing funner things, I think. What do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? I skate. What kind of skating? Roller skating? No. It's not gay, Tony. We're skateboarding. You can roller skate and not be gay. Where? No, yes, yes, you can.

Where is that? Yes, you can. Yeah, you fucking can. You can't backwards. Yes. You can go backwards. You want to go backwards all the time? Yep.

Because you got to... Yep, I do. It's called 69ing on wheels. Yeah. You have to watch your back if you are rolling. I roller skate backwards on construction sites. Yes. That'll end your job. And roller skate backwards on construction sites. Yes. That'll land you a job.

And all that I wear is a hard hat. And a vest, of course, because safety first. Yeah. But, God damn it, if one more fucking hammer gets shoved up my ass, I'm gonna... All right. Oh, I gotta learn how to roller skate. I'll teach you.

All right. You ever fuck up somebody's name on the coffee cup and they freak out? No, we don't even write their names on coffee cups. You don't do that. Do you work the overnight shift? No. Oh, that's a different place. That's okay.

I fucked that one up. No, no, no. That's a different place. Now, when you're making coffee and construction guys come in, do you get kind of jealous? You know what I mean? Oh, yeah.

You like to see what your life could have been. Yeah. Just like that movie Family Man with Nicolas Cage. It's nice. My body doesn't hurt after the other day. But it is weird, like, now everything's about sustenance, because at first, like, sustenance and fruit was gay when you're on the construction site. So it is weird being in, like, a pink apron

and being, like, selling coffee now. And I'm like, he's gonna be gay. You know how to paint walls inside of a house? Yeah, of course. Well, good news. Red Band is gonna book you. And I'm like, he's gonna pay. You know how to paint walls inside of a house? Yeah, of course. Well, good news. Red Band is gonna book you... I may hire you to paint some walls. I would love to.

There you go. There you go. Wow. There's a little joke book. Thank you, sir. Sign up again sometime. There goes Cameron Frisk, ladies and gentlemen. And like that, the show has begun.

And I'm gonna buy a coffee for me tomorrow. Wow. Two to play that game, Red Band. Local hero, Adam Ray, contributing to the economy. No hotels tonight. Yummy and delicious. This podcast is sponsored by Nicked. Look, you've heard us talk about Nicked.

They've taken nicotine pouches to the next level And it's obvious they're the only pouches red band and I use these days I personally love citrus ice Nick does a step above any other products as they use the best ingredients for a cleaner more refined Experience they're made with natural coconut fiber instead of a wood pulp for smoother more enjoyable Experiences nicked pouches come in different strengths to help you hit that sweet spot 12 6 and 3 Milligrams for all you little ladies out there with a range of refreshing mint bold fruit and unflavored options There's always something to keep you satisfied And if you're on a journey to quit nicotine nicked gives you full control of your experience

They're even launching a new zero milligram option soon Wow there's something for Everyone whether you're trying to kick chewing tobacco traditional smoking products or vape nicked flavors launching a new zero milligram option soon. Wow, there's something for everyone. Whether you're trying to kick chewing tobacco, traditional smoking products or vape, Nick flavors hit just right, right, bam. Tony, I love nicks. I'm obsessed with the berry lemon ice and the spearmint flavors.

I love that the Nick cans come with a built-in disposable lid for your used pouches. That means no litter and no mess. You hate littering and littering and it's time to upgrade to nicotine pouches just like we did. Right now our listeners get 35% off when you order through our exclusive URL nykdpouches.com slash Tony and you can use this code up to three times. Don't wait get 35% off now at nykdpouches.com

slash Tony that's nykdpouches.com slash Tony. NYKD products are only for adults of legal age and every order is age verified. Warning this product contains nicotine and nicotine as we know is an addictive chemical. This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Imagine waking up to find your bank account drained, bills for loans you never took out, a warrant for your arrest, all because someone committed a crime in your name. It sounds like a nightmare, but for millions of people each year, it's reality. And here's the scariest part. By the time companies tell you your data was stolen,

it's already been nearly a year, 277 days. That's how long on average hackers have to use your social security number, open accounts, take out loans and destroy your credit. Before you even know you've been exposed. By the time you get that breach notification email, the damage is done. Your identity stolen, your financial future at risk,

and the company that lost your data, they'll just apologize and move on. Hackers aren't waiting. Why are you? This can all sound really scary, which is why I'm so glad we're partnering with Aura. Hackers don't wait, so why should you? Aura monitors the dark web 24 seven

for your phone number, email and social security number. Because the moment they show up for sale, criminals are ready to use them. If Aura detects your info, you'll get an instant alert so you can act before the damage is done. What if your identity is already stolen? Criminals can take out loans, max out credit cards, and vanish.

That's why Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance and a US-based fraud resolution team that works around the clock to shut down fraud fast and get your life back on track. Your personal data is a gold mine for hackers, and Aura helps lock it down. With a VPN for private browsing,

data broker opt out to stop companies from selling your info and a password manager to help secure your accounts, Aura gives you the tools to fight back. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14 day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online all For free when you visit aura.com

Defense that's aura.com Slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's Aura.com slash defense certain terms apply. So be sure to check the site for details. And I'm gonna bang his girlfriend. Your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Charlie G. Here we go, Charlie G. Out of the bucket. What's up, y'all? If I kill myself and find out reincarnation's real, I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

You know? I don't know if you guys... I don't know if you guys can tell, but I live in a van, right? And ever since I started living in a van, I came out as a hobosexual, right? Meaning that I sleep with women for their bed, right? I'm always on Tinder trying to find a place to stay.

And they always say the same thing, right? They're always like, you just want to fuck me and leave, right? And I always have to go, oh, I'm for sure staying. You know? My kink is shower sex. Oh. I mean... Um, it is pretty, like, sketchy, dating women, like, while living in a van, right?

Like, they never want to come back to it until they find out I have a cat, right? And that just flips the script, right? It goes straight to, like, let's go to your van. I want to meet your cat, right? I guess they figure if I... Laughter Is there more to that? Yeah.

You want to finish it? I guess they figure if I haven't killed the cat yet, you know? Okay. That's it, yeah. Charlie G, ladies and gentlemen. You really live in a van? Yeah. Yeah. You're the first comedian tonight that looks like they don't live in a van.

Yeah, I do. It's incredible. You have a good... You clean up your act. Thank you. Yeah. You're out there looking professional. You look like you sold the van to the guy. Yeah. Yeah. And you're like, I swear I didn't come in this thing.

Right, right. I used to do real estate in New York, and then I hated it. Incredible. You live in a van. It looks like you live in a hearse. Yeah. No, I'm not Dylan. Incredible. You live in a van. It looks like you live in a hearse. Yeah. No, I'm not Dylan. Dylan Slaughter.

When three people show up, and they only have a table for two, how do you handle it? Okay, he looked like a Major D. It didn't work. I'm already fucking six for six. Rich, Rich, relax. Just take a breath. When it doesn't work, you don't have to tell... You don't have to say it didn't work

because they definitely know it didn't work. You're like a guy that's out at third base. The umpire's like, you're out, and you go to the crowd, I'm out, everybody. I did not make it to third base. I was out. Okay. Let's get back to Charlie here. Old Charlie boy. How old are you?

How old am I? I'm 32. 32 years old. How long have you lived in the van? Uh, I started full-time about November. What? A good way to describe that. A part-time van-liver before? Part-time. Yeah, well, I lived in an apartment and, like, the van for a minute, for, like, a year.

And then... Explain Matt Mueling, who never talks. It was right with me. I literally... He had to say it, because we're all thinking it. How does that work? Why would you live in an apartment and a van part-time?

Well, I have the apartment. And then, like, if I wanted to travel for the weekend, like, or for, like, a week, I'd had, like, no hotel to worry about. I can go anywhere. I lived in, like, New York City at the time. So, like, what, Jersey City? But so I would just go upstate. Wow, huge fucking difference. No, no, I would know.

That might be the biggest difference ever. Dude, it's... Whatever. That is absolutely unbelievable. I worked in New York. The jump that just happened there. I live in an event. Sorry. The sidewalk. But it's pretty much the same thing. Yeah, I mean... Now, with a van, sorry, the sidewalk, but it's pretty much the same thing.

Yeah, I mean. Now with your van, do you have a fake cast and a couch? No, not at all, it's not that big. Thank you. Wait, that's fucking one of the best jokes you'll ever hear. What the fuck? What the hell happened here? No, no, no, you know what?

I might want you to say when the jokes don't work. After all, because that- You don't get that joke? No, what, no, you know what, I might want you to say when the jokes don't work after all, because that... You don't get that joke? No, what's it from? The serial killer that had a fake fucking cast and a couch and he had a van and he would go to colleges and go, hey, can you help me get the couch and the van? What year was this? Science of the Lambs, am I right?

No, I was in... What? Ted Bundy! You said something. What. What? Ted Bundy. Ted Bundy. What? Who? Ted Bundy, right? That's what you're talking about?

The serial killer from the 70s? Who thinks O.J. did it? All right. Let's get back to Charlie G. So this guy is my favorite. Yeah. Rich Voss is out here just fucking... Gotta throw darts, man. Fucking Ted Bundy. What a fucking...

Ted Bundy. I mean, how far back are you gonna go with your references? When I was 30. A lot of people don't know. Julia Caesar lived in a van at one point. Uh... Okay, there he is. Charlie G., tell us more about your life. Yeah, I did, like, real estate for, like, most,

like, everything out of college, and then I hated it, and I lived in a van for all of last year. Started comedy last year. You love it? Yeah, it's great, you know? Like a Sprinter van? Like a good van? It's a 2006 Sprinter, so it's not a, like, nice Sprinter, you know. Like a Sprinter van? Like a good van? It's a 2006 Sprinter, so it's not a nice Sprinter, you know. There you go. Good question. The exact van is an important thing.

Lord knows the difference between a Sprinter and an Econo van. Huge difference. We want to know exactly whether it's a sliding door or you get in through the back door. No, sliding door, but there's solar panels, like a stove. Wow! Solar panels? I mean, this is but there's solar panels, like a stove. Wow, solar panels. Yeah. It's comfortable. I got a bed.

Okay. Yeah. You got a bed. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. In 2025, how do you, you don't have a girl, right? No.

But you brought people back to the van. Yeah. Yeah. How does it, do you have any trepidations when you're trying to elicit a friend to come back? Like what's the opening line, I guess? I mean, in Austin, I just go back to their place. Like, that homosexual is, like, actually my life.

What if their place was, like, my roommate's home, and, like, it would actually really be better if he went to your place? Like, what's your... What do you do? You're like, I'll give you a ride to my place. Yeah. And if you pick up a homeless girl, you could drop her off anywhere.

Oh, my God, Rich. Rich, what is going on over here? I got a snack with that one. I made fun of you for doing old jokes, and then you just did the oldest joke ever. But I wrote it. Yeah. That was amazing. Yeah. Charlie, tell us the most embarrassing thing that's ever happened to you in your life.

Oh, man, like, kindergarten, I shit myself. Like... Kindergarten? Yeah. Okay, how about, like, as an adult? As an adult, man. Let's talk about now. I mean, I know there's some...

I mean... When it was four, I couldn't tie my shoes in front of my mom. Yeah. Well, like, an adult embarrassing story. Yeah, okay. We all shit ourselves in kindergarten. No, no one did that.

You're right, you're right. One time... Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich, Rich my mom. Yeah. Well, like, an adult embarrassing story. Yeah, okay. We all shit ourselves in kindergarten. No, no one did that. You're right, you're right. One time in kindergarten. Rich, Rich... Say it, say it. Tony.

Oh, hey. Tony. Rich shit himself in kindergarten and diapers weren't invented yet, so... And I was 12. How about as an adult? Give us something. As an adult, like one time in college I shit myself. Wow.

This guy just shits himself. Yeah. How many of you think I should make him shit himself right now on this stage? Look right at that. No way. You see that red dot back there? Look right. Yeah.

You see a little red dot? Right. I want you to stare right at it. And then just hope we're losing D madness. You can't. When you're blind, the smell of, no. Don't shit yourself. All right, Charlie. Fun times. Congratulations.

I really loved the kill myself, kill myself joke. That's a really, really, really good joke. You know. Yeah. Thank you. You know? Yeah. Appreciate that. Yeah. So there you go. He also came out with confidence.

That's always... Oh, no. Thank you. It's your first time on the show, right? Yeah, first time on the show. You came out, you had a game plan, that always matters. So good job. Yeah.

Thank you. Appreciate it. Yep. Good stuff. There he goes. Charlie G. Hobosexual, kind of like, you know. He's better than that. But the kill myself reincarnated kill yourself's funny.

All right, we having fun out there? Yeah! Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name... Oh, my God. I know what that noise is. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Look at that. The crowd goes wild. She barely does anything at all.

It's unbelievable. She just lifted up the mic stand and sat it back down. Crowd goes wild. She barely does anything at all. It's unbelievable. She just lifted up the mic stand and sat it back down. Crowd goes nuts. She doesn't need to. You got to love it. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Daniel Velasquez, everyone. Daniel Velasquez. -♪ Hey, I started stand-up a few years ago

after my mom passed away. And the first thing my dad bought with the life insurance money was an orange pool table. Pretty cool purchase, but that was the first time I realized a smart parent died. And I guess there were some signs that my dad was like a dumb guy. I didn't realize kind of how out of touch he was until he started dating again. I got him his first iPhone and he got him one of those old person dating apps. I think it was called like R-Time or Time's Up or something.

And he immediately started getting spammed by bots. or Times Up or something. And, uh... He, uh... He immediately started getting spammed by bots. And I had to tell him, like, Hey, Dad, those are, like, bots. Those are fake accounts. Don't engage with those. But he was, like, so for the concept of bots, he was like, yeah, I don't care. They look hot.

I'm gonna fuck the bots. Thank you guys. It's my time. Whoo! Exactly 59 1 1⁄2 seconds from Daniel Velasquez, a very funny set. Welcome back, Daniel. Good to see you. You've been on this show before.

Yes, sir. How are you? Good to see you. Yes, I'm good. I'm good. I'm good. Everyone's good. You've been on this show before. You were funny last time. You're funny this time. Remind us what we did in the interview portion last time. You made fun about me. You made fun of me for being crippled, so... Oh, well, there we go. Perfect. Welcome back.

These people, they sign up, they come back for more. They can't get enough. That is the reason why I didn't do any disabled jokes this time. You know what? Now that I am looking at you and hear you, I see you are indeed very disabled. But your jokes are amazing. Thank you. You have the ability to make people laugh without a doubt.

Thank you. I really appreciate it. You always have. Okay. I didn't know you were a cripple. I thought you were sitting there. Well, you're old, so I wouldn't... Yeah, exactly. I knew your eyes were going there, Rich. They are.

I'm just kidding. You were funny as fuck. Appreciate you, boss. You were funny. You literally. I'm just kidding. I'm only kidding. You were funny as fuck. Appreciate you, boss. You were funny. You literally, I know you haven't been here very long, but you've literally in 59 seconds said eight more funny things than Rich Voss has tonight.

It's incredible. I was killing up to the last guy. Jesus. Fuck, I'll sit here like this. Fuck. It's incredible. Daniel, you're so awesome. You are built for this.

What exactly is your disability? Cerebral palsy. I love it. Okay, indeed. I love it. I am a big supporter of the cerebral palsy people. Perfect. You'll get a spot at the secret show, no doubt.

He didn't give it to me last time, so I wouldn't expect it this time. Red Band didn't let you up at the fucking secret show? Is that true, Red Band? See, a lot of people don't know this. A little fun fact. Behind the scenes, I'm the good guy, and Red Band's the bad guy. No, I'm kidding. Why didn't you give him a spot last time? I don't remember last time.

I think you were probably funnier this time because he didn't rely on your cripple jokes and stuff. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah. Why would he talk about his blatant disability? Okay, thanks for coming out, everybody. I don't remember last time. I think you were probably funnier this time because he didn't rely on your cripple jokes and stuff. Oh, Jesus Christ. Yeah, why would he talk about his blatant disability? Okay, thanks for coming out, everybody. And that was Ed Ryan Red Band on Threads. Wow.

I remember you being very funny last time. How long you been on stand-up? Uh, this will be... It'll be four years in October. Four years in October. And do you have a... What do. And do you have a job? Make the right turns. I work at Chick-fil-A.

You work at Chick-fil-A? Holy shit. Let's go. I fucking love it. The one here on 6th Street? No, in Kyle, Texas. Just south of here, yeah. Okay. Too old to work there, man. I got to quit. Dude, I'm too old to work there. You can't say, my pleasure, Texas, just south of here, yeah. Okay. Too old to work there, man, I gotta quit. Dude, I'm too old to work there.

You can't say my pleasure at 29, dude. You can't do that, dude. It's fucking bullshit. That is amazing. What's the Chick-fil-A uniform? Red polo, work slacks, lack of self-respect. Why would it? You know.

You're so retarded. He's asking about his outfit and then you hit the fucking chicken button. He goes, why would there be a chicken? Okay, how often do you eat Chick-fil-A? Every day, that's my one free meal a day, dude. What are you, I'm a broke comic, what the fuck, dude? Absolutely incredible.

How about, what's the longest amount of time you've done? I have like 20 minutes that I like. Yeah. That's fucking cool. You make a good gardening gnome. I'm back. Please make that t-shirt. Your face on the front.

So fun. Daniel, what's something we should know about you that we didn't learn about you last time you were on the show? I kind of alluded to it, but my mom passed away a few years ago, and that's why I started stand-up. Okay. How did your mom pass away? Yeah, my mom died from COVID, which, like, every... Oh! Jesus.

Which everybody was like really surprised because you have like a 2% chance of dying from that if you got it. But it's always surprising. Even less than that. Yeah, even less than that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it's always surprising. You didn't know the percentage of being born with cerebral palsy. So that didn't really surprise me that much that she passed away.

Right. She hit the double. Yeah, double whammy. Unlucky lottery. That's why I kind of started standing up because it was like, things can't get much worse. Might as well swing for the fucking fences, dude. Absolutely. Absolutely. Question. Absolutely. Were you working at Chick-fil-A before she passed?

No. No, I was not. I was, I talked about this last time. I was in the Paralympics before this, so I was kind of busy doing that. What was your sport in the Paralympics? I was, uh... Hacky sack. Yeah.

What are we talking about? Your joke book? Okay. What was your sport in the Paralympics? No, I was a sprinter. I was a Paralympic sprinter. You were a sprinter? They got sprinters in the Paralympics? Uh-huh. You'd be surprised. Holy shit, dude.

You just finished yesterday. What are you... I want to see you and Rich Voss in a foot race so badly right now. Oh, I would... I'm not going to do it, but I would dust him in the alley right behind you. What a way. One hundred percent. Right behind you. What a way. 100% I can just picture Rich trying his best, his hat flies off.

Daniel Beasom turns to the camera and goes, I'm back. Let's go, man. That would be the most handicapped race of all time. Absolutely incredible. He said he would dust me in the alley. Well, it doesn't take much. You got threatened by a Chick-fil-A cashier

that would dust you in the alley. It's been a rough episode for Rich so far. This is the most fun I've had. The sad thing is, in two years, I'll be opening for him. Ha-ha-ha! Hey, Daniel, speaking of opening, I've got a doctor feel live at Bass Concert Hall on April 19th. You want to open the show?

Yes, sir. Let's go, man. Let's go. You want it. Yeah. Hey. April 19th, Bass Concert Hall, man. Huh? Yes, sir. Wow. But you got to quit your job and kill Rich V man. Huh? Yes, sir. Wow. But you gotta quit your job and kill Rich Voss. No.

Yeah, come out. Yeah, it'd be my honor to kill a legend like this, man. To your fucking heart. Rich Voss, guys, let him hear it. Rich Voss, dude. Fucking Rich Voss. Giving it up. Giving the flowers.

April 19th. Yes, sir, absolutely. Thank you so much. Give it up on Instagram. I got you. A huge venue. Very exciting. Easy way. All you have to do is tap it in here, Red Band. The ball is right next to the cup. I got you a huge venue very exciting easy way All you have to do is tap it in here red band the ball is right next to the cup. Do you know how to paint?

No Where's your sound where's that fucking sound? Give me that fucking sets. I'll look good. Good job right back not a straight line That's a good job, Red Man. Not a straight line. Red Man! I'm going to have you obviously on the Secret Show Thursday. Yes sir, I would love to. I would love to.

You already have a big joke book, right? You already got one of these, right? Yes sir, I got one already. Perfect, perfect. I don't wanna throw things at you. Daniel Velasquez, ladies and gentlemen. Free Palestine, ladies and gentlemen. And Free Palestine. Thank you, guys. I don't know what he said. I'm hoping he didn't say Free Palestine.

I'm just gonna pretend like that didn't happen. The boys got some weird politics, everyone. Gotta... Yeah, he's gonna be great. All right. I mean, an amazing performance. How about one more time for Daniel Velasquez, ladies and gentlemen. cheesy jalapeno pepper sauce poured with ease. And if smoky strips of bacon make burgers better, you'll love our cheesy jalapeno and bacon quarter pounder. Get this beefy, bold, bacony, melty mouthful

only at McDonald's for a limited time. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. Stay two nights and get a $50 Best Western gift card. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. Your next comedian, ladies and gentlemen,

is the brand newest golden ticket winner here on this show. This is indeed, in fact, his first time ever cashing in on his golden ticket. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Colin Sledge, everyone. We're gonna watch them all together here. Colin Sledge. Thank you.

I got fired from Chick-fil-A. Apparently ladies didn't like the way I was saying, my pleasure. You know, I've never been able to coast on the way I look. You know, I was never that hot, but I'm interesting, you know. I can make girls think. I make girls think stuff like, Hey, is that guy following me? One time, this girl getting into my car for a date,

she agreed to. First thing she said was, Just so you know, I have pepper spray in my purse. It's like, Just so you know, you shouldn't tell me where it is. That's how you do it. That is exactly a minute. Colin Sledge has arrived, everyone.

His first cash-in of his golden ticket, so technically his second minute ever on the show. That was absolutely fantastic. Thank you. I love your delivery. It's very, very dry. It's unlike anything that we've had as far as regulars and Golden Ticket winners go. It is incredible.

It's almost Jusselnack-esque, but you make fun of yourself and you do more than one punchline every three and a half minutes. So it's a total different vibe. It's absolutely incredible. Thank you. You acknowledge that you're human

and you make fun of yourself sometimes, and real things, not just made-up characters. And I love that. Colin, how's life been going for you? It's been pretty fun the last few weeks. I bet. Yeah, your life has officially changed. Tell us more about that, Colin. You fucking creep. Well...

So, actually, literally the first... the night I got the golden ticket. Thanks, by the way, uh... We almost got arrested going back to Houston. So I'm pretty sure the Golden Ticket got my friends out of jail, so they should also thank you. Really? Is that true? What do you mean?

Well, we got pulled over, and one of my friends... You and how many comedians are in this car? Two. Two. One I can name. One will remain nameless, but they... You don't have to name any of them. The question was how comedians are in this car? Two, one I can name. One will remain nameless, but they... You don't have to name any of them. The question was how many people were in the car. Okay, two other people in the car.

Not your other personalities or anything. No, they're real. Two real humans with hearts and lungs and brains. Yes, and they both had drugs. Are you driving? I was driving, yes. Okay, what kind of car are you driving? Just so we could finish painting the picture.

A Mazda CX-5. Oh, that's exactly what I thought. Okay, so you're driving to Houston, and what happens? We get pulled over in Elgin, and... Ooh, that's like a real Texas cop, right? Yeah. Texas Highway Patrol right there? Oh, my God.

He was a big fan of you, actually, so that might have helped. Are you serious? You dropped the name of the show that you were on and everything? It wasn't me, it was one of the other comics, but yes, she did drop. Wow, smart. We did that once with Rogan in Columbus, Ohio,

many years ago, six or seven years ago. And by the way, Ohio State Highway Patrol famously, famously, famously, never gives warnings, never lets you off. If you go fucking five, six miles an hour over the speed limit in Ohio and you're pulled over by an Ohio State Trooper, you get a fucking ticket.

And was it, it was you, right? Yeah, you fucking nailed it. Cause I'm like, yeah, we're just working, we're doing a podcast. And what'd you say? You're like- I don't remember. I think it was like, yeah, we're, uh, I'm on JRE.

No, you nailed the line. You're literally like, yeah, you know, I work with Joe Rogan sometimes. We're in the comedy business. And he's like, Joe Rogan? Okay, go ahead. Well, she wanted our IDs, and one of my friends lost her driver's license

because she's sort of a mess. And so... We got a warning, by the way. I didn't finish the story. Go ahead. She, uh... Thank you. Yep. For clarifying. Okay. She didn't have her driver's license,

but she had her passport, and so she gave the cop her passport. And she said, when they took the passport to the cop car, she said, I think there might be weed in the passport. Oh, yeah. Hell, yeah. so the cop car, she said, I think there might be weed in the passport. Uh... Hell, yeah. And I was like, what percent chance do you think? And she was like, 100%.

Yeah. Oh. Was it in, like, a baggie? No, it was just in the pages. Oh. Jesus fucking Christ. Whatever the pockets. Yeah, that's crazy.

Look, I thought you were really funny. Hold on, Rich, we're in the middle of a thing here. Go ahead, give your analysis, and then we'll just edit it out. I'm just saying. No, because I thought he was funny. Listen, I'm doing a firehouse in Allentown, and if you want to open, I could have you.

Okay, all right, very good. Okay, so back to the story. She says there might be weed in the passport and he's in like the cop car at this point. It was a lady, it was a Latina lady cop that took the passport. Ooh. I think we've all watched this.

Let's go. Kill Tony fucking Nachos Belgrande fans. That's what, that's what's up. She was not the fan. It's not just the Mexican dudes that get horny. She was not the fan. Oh, she wasn't a fan. No, it was another guy.

Oh, okay, wow. It was a white guy. All right, well, all right. Sorry about that. Almost had her. But yeah, she, well, I was in a good mood on it because, obviously. And so I thought she's probably not even gonna notice. And then she came back, and she was like, we noticed the weed and the pages of the passport.

And... This is incredible. And, again, this is a Texas state trooper? I don't know. I didn't pay attention. Or is it an... Okay. It's some cop. Okay. Yeah.

It may not even have been a cop at all. You may have gotten pulled over by an illegal immigrant wearing a fucking badge, and you stoners with weed in your passports are like, I'm so sorry. Other cops pulled up, and that's when I thought they were going to jail. Not me, though, because I was...

I had a legal Delta-8 gummy. They had weed that was... Okay. So then what happened? They searched. They frisked all of us and sat us on the curb in the cold, and then they searched my car, and they found some more of her weed, maybe, and then the other passenger, they found more weed,

a fair amount of weed, and a scale, and little baggies. Oh, my God. So now it's an illegal drug dealing operation. Well, I think the scale, I'm gonna go with he has an eating disorder. Okay. That's hilarious. And then-

By the way, I would love to see you on Family Feud. I'm gonna go with, this guy's got an eating disorder. By the way, what's on your pants? Did you paint Red Band's house? What is that? I spilled bleach, okay? Don't bully me. Okay, so let's go back to the story

that we're in the middle of, and then what happened? They sat us on the curb, frisked us. And then they found the scale of the more weed. Yeah. And then what happened? And then they made her pour out all the weed from her passport and like step on it. And then what happened? And then they made her pour out all the weed from her passport and like step on it. How much fucking weed did she have in a passport? It wasn't shake, it was real weed, like nugs of weed.

It was like folded in the pages. I don't know how much it was. This is absolute fucking insanity by the way. I have carried a lot of weed on me and I have a passport I understand the dynamics of a physical passport she's it's a roll joints or something she like pours it from the so retarded that's literally the most retarded thing to roll joints on or with in the fucking world like cutting coke with your license she's a well that would actually be better than rolling weed on a passport because it could come off a license. It's plastic. The paper

would retain it and the THC crystals would be all over it. Yeah. You could at least rinse off a fucking license. Yeah she uh she's sort of my number one advisor in comedy. Okay so then what happened? Then they they asked him like why do you have the scale and the and the baggies I think he just didn't answer, which is probably good. And then they made him stomp on all his weed with his cowboy boots and let us go. I did. I think it was because we were talking about, like, where are you coming from?

And we said we were going from Austin back to Houston after Kiltani, and he was like, you know, the white-guy cop's like, did you get on? And then my friend was like, yeah, you got a golden ticket. And he was like, well, you got a golden ticket. And he was like, well, congrats. He was really nice. Wow.

Yeah, that definitely worked. That's what it was. He's like, cool, you want to shoot this guy for no reason? I'm a big fan of KT. I thought about being like, you can have the joke book if you don't arrest my friends, but I think that would be bribing a police officer and it may have- You did everything just fine.

So nobody got in trouble? No, I got a warning. For what? What was the initial stop for? So, my Mazda CX-5... Has a tail light that's out. No. Well, yes. That's what happens. Yep. So, no, the headlights are always on.

I can't turn them off, and so when the lights get switched off somehow, I don't notice because the headlights are always on. Absolutely unbelievable. I don't understand a single thing that you just said. You got to notice when your lights are off. Well, I know the lights are on because they're always, but the tail lights are behind me,

and I can't tell if they're not functioning. That is true. So I got a warning for that. They didn't get a warning for copious amounts of weed. I don't know what that's about, but... Incredible. Adam Ray. Love to ask a question. When you smile, it's real warm, but you didn't smile...

Well, don't do that. But when you smile organically, it... Yeah, like that. But you didn't smile at all during your set, really, right? I couldn't... Uh, no. What's the choice to go from... I don't really make decisions. I just feel it out.

Yeah. So your material is always kind of... You like to... Just, you know, your point of view is to keep it dry and subtle. Yeah, that's what I usually do, yeah. Yeah. Also, when I get nervous, I tend to just shut down completely. It works.

I'm not nervous now for the record. Yeah. Yeah. We're not cops. I'm not a puss. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna sit pussy. Yeah, yeah. I'm gonna sit out this one. Colin, you're so different than everybody else that we have on our normal roster.

Welcome to the family. There he goes, his first cash-in of his golden ticket, Colin Sledge. Back to the bucket we go. Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a fun name. I'm excited about it. Make some noise for Konse Yasuda. Konse Yasuda, here we go. Hey guys, hello.

I'm a little bit shy person, especially when I'm talking to girls. And reason why is that, because I'm the nicest bit shy person, especially when I'm talking to girls. And reason why is that because I'm the nicest person in the world. The other day, I was walking down the street with my homies. And all of a sudden, we came across with this fat ass. And all my homies went crazy. They were like, oh, I want to hit that ass. And all my homies went crazy.

They were like, oh, I want to hit that ass. I want to hit that ass. But not me. I was actually seeing a future with that fat ass. I was seeing every sunset and sunrise with that fat ass. I was holding a fat ass child with that fat ass. A little bit about myself. I was born in 1996,

so that makes me reincarnation with Tupac. Tupac say, small eyes on me. Thank you. Wow. Kansai Yasuda has arrived to kill Tony. I gotta tell you, man,

I like your fucking style. You have such a command of the stage. So fun to listen to and to watch. Thank you, Donnie. You're very welcome. You're welcome, I.R. Thank you. I love it.

Kansai, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years now. Five years? Where at? Get it out of the way, Red Bandit. Where have you done the five years at? Tokyo, three years, and then two years in Toronto. In Toronto? Yeah, in Tokyo. Is that where you live, three years, and then two years in Toronto.

In Toronto? Yeah, in Tokyo. Is that where you live now? Yeah, I live right now in Toronto. Toronto. Yeah. OK. Thank you.

What made you move to Toronto? Why, of all the places, did you pick there? Because I wanted to go as close to the United States. Yeah. Did you think about going to the United States. Yeah. Have you, did you think about going to the United States at all? Yeah. And they'll send me away when I. Why would they do that?

Because I don't have a visa. You don't need a visa to go to Canada? They have like a special type of visa for me. What kind of visa is that? It's like a. Asian Express. Yeah. Yeah.

They send a lot of Asian people to Canada and then just let me work there for two years. Wow. I could listen to you talk about anything. This is incredible. This is absolutely amazing. So you're 100% Japanese? Yeah, I'm half Korean too.

Oh, half Korean too. All right. Absolutely incredible. Your mom is South Korean? My mom is Japanese. Yeah, and my dad. And your dad is the Korean and they met in Japan? Yeah, they met in Japan, but my mom didn't know he was Korean. She thought he was Japanese. Yeah, and tricked the Japanese off.

And then... And then they got married, and then... Surprise. Oh, my God. Absolutely unbelievable. A natural freak talent. We're witnessing it live in real time. Absolutely unbelievable. A natural freak talent. We're witnessing it live in real time.

This is what the show is all about. Absolutely incredible. Thank you very much. I don't even need you to, like, do comedy. You could just, like, read the back of a Cheesecake Factory menu. It is incredible. So are you an only child? Yes. How did you know? Hi. Because I think you're only allowed to have one of you over in Japan. So that's

incredible. Okay, relax. Okay, alright. Okay. So amazing. Amazing. And, uh, so your mom had you. And what do your parents do? They're still in Japan? Yeah, they're still in Japan. They own nail salon. A nail salon? They do that even over there? I thought they just came here to own nail salons. My God, they must be high-level nail salon people. That's incredible. Unbelievable.

Rich Voss. Are there comedy clubs in Japan? I mean... One in Tokyo. In Tokyo? Yeah. Do American comics work there? Yeah, they come around sometimes.

It's military, right? Rich is looking for a gig. Rick's like, I'm playing the karaoke bar in Shibuya. He sounds like a romantic. Do you have a girlfriend? I do have a Filipino-Japanese girlfriend. Oh, wow. Amazing.

Is she in Toronto? Yes, I met her in Toronto like two months ago. Amazing. Where did you meet her at? At the ramen shop. At the ramen shop. Absolutely incredible. Isn't this the plot of Rush Hour?

This is unbelievable. Everything you're saying, I feel like I watched in a movie. We are in one of those moments right now where it's just amazing. You are just such a fun interview. This might never end. I might keep you up here all night. This is absolutely amazing.

So what does she do for work? She works at the ramen shop. She works at the ramen shop. She works at the ramen shop. Oh, my God. Wait. Absolutely incredible. Your delivery and cadence is so goddamn perfect. Yep.

Everything you say, I feel like it's gonna end with you handing a child a katana. You know what I'm saying? Like, the way that she works at the ramen... Like, it's got so much... It's so soft but powerful. Yep. You know what I'm saying? But it's just facts about your life.

Have you always been this calm, cool and collected? I think so. It's absolutely incredible. So how do you make money, Kansai? I work at the hotel. Oh, what do you do at the hotel? Front desk. Front desk. Front desk.

Front desk. Wow. And what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? I eat ramen. At the place your girlfriend works? Yeah. Wow.

What's your favorite ramen? Miso ramen. Wow. What's your favorite ramen? Miso ramen. Wow. Wow. Could be the name of your special too. Yeah. Special miso ramen. Yeah.

Yep. So Kansai, this is incredible. And you are so funny. What made you come to Austin, Texas? To do comedy in Kyoto. When did you get here? I got here a week ago. Okay. What made you come to Austin, Texas? To do comedy in Kiltown. When did you get here? I got here a week ago.

OK, did you sign up a week ago for the show? Yes, yes, yes. OK, and you didn't get up. And you've been doing spots around town, just trying to do open mics and stuff? Yeah, I did open mics, couple open mics. Have you been doing a lot of spots? Yeah, I did one, just one Shakespeare.

And then, uh. One Shakespeare. Yeah. How much longer are you in town for? I'll be here until like a week. One more week, two more weeks. I don't know, whatever. Whatever it takes, absolutely.

You're going to be leaving. What's your girlfriend's name? Miyuki. Oh, that is adorable. Adorable. Miyuki and Kansai Yasuda. Thank you. This is absolutely amazing. Kansai, I fucking love it.

Adam Ray. First name again? It's Kansai? Kansai Yasuda. Kansai Yasuda. I know I've already done this once, but I'm actually going to be in Toronto May 1st through the 3rd at the Comedy Bar.

Do you want to host? We need somebody to host all weekend. Yes, we... Yeah. Wow. Wow. Yeah. We need to host. Be a big people. You got 10 minutes? Yeah. Yeah.

Oh, 10 minutes? Yeah. 10 minutes, yeah. Thursday, Friday, Saturday. Rich, have you ever been to Allentown? Yeah. Red Band? I'd love to have you Friday, Saturday. Rich. Thank you. Have you ever been to Allentown? Yeah. Red Band? I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Thank you. Thank you. Yes.

Thank you. Thank you. And I just can't help myself. I feel like I want to interview you forever. We already have too many of them, but God damn it, I'm giving away another one. Konse Yasuda, you are a Golden Ticket winner here on Quilt Tonic. Absolutely incredible.

Amazing. The Secret Show, The Golden Ticket, Toronto, Canada, and Allentown, Pennsylvania. You did it all, buddy. God bless you. Konsey Asuda has arrived. We're gonna see him again soon. Absolutely unbelievable, my friend.

That is what it's my father. It's so good to see you, Missy. Experience the thrilling new series. He said he killed another woman. Inspired by a true life story. If I don't deal with him, he will never leave us alone. You don't see how the birds sing to you. Anna Lee Ashford and Dennis Quaid star. I am not responsible for what my dad did.

Let's go on how you hoped. Happy Face, new series now streaming exclusively on Paramount+. Hey what's up? This is Joe from Past Gas Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show. We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America. It was basically 45 days of hell. Or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper. We've been doing this podcast for over five years now and there are still so many crazy stories.

It amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out Pass Gas wherever you get your podcasts. And now someone's got to follow that. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Jim Talley, everyone. Jim Talley. Jim Talley is next. Hell yeah.

All right, how y'all doing tonight? Good? Fuck yeah. Give it up for my partner in crime there. Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh...

Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh...

Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... of his girlfriend sucking a dick. I know, man, the fucked up part about it was the dick was mine. I know, man, hear me out.

Oh, here's where the shit got fucked up. I had to then sit there and listen to this motherfucker's critiques on my dick as if it wasn't mine. The motherfucker was spazzing, too. He was like, How the fuck she gonna cheat on me with that? My dick way bigger than his.

And I'm just looking like, I mean, nigga gonna cheat on me with that? My dick way bigger than his. I'm just looking like, I mean, nigga, it's not little, right? Like, maybe he's easier on our jawline or something, my nigga. Why you big shaming, nigga? I was defending an unknown penis, essentially, right? All right, oh shit, whoa, that's it. Guys, thank you, my friend. Jim Telly.

Wow, how fun. Very funy. Fuck yeah. Wow. How fun. Very fun to go off of that rush hour energy in your opening. Very fun. Fuck yeah. Welcome, welcome. How long you been doing stand up, Jim? I'm going on three years.

Three years. Where at? Houston? Oz. Atlanta? I'm getting close. Africa? No, just kidding. Shit.

Oh, my God. Hilarious. That was funny. How you doing, man? Thank you, man. Where have you been doing stand-up at? I started in South Florida. I went to North Dakota for one year, and now I'm here. Wow. What made you go to North Dakota? I knew this question was coming.

Believe it or not, White Dick, if I'm being honest with you, my sister married a white man. Yeah, Dick was so good, I moved there. Yeah. I think you just found your new catchphrase. Take us through that process. What made you follow your sister up to North Dakota? Shit, that's an interesting story.

So she actually, they met in South Florida on one vacation. I used to live in Africa, right? Yeah, just to, I have to bring up that. We're not waiting, you know, all that shit. But now, so, I'm like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'm going to go to the bathroom. Yeah, just to... I have to preempt that. -"We're not waiting." -"We're not waiting." You know, all of that shit. But now, so, they met in Florida, and he fell in love with black pussy so much

that he went to Africa, and then she moved back to North Dakota, and life was cheaper, and I was tired of Florida, and I was like, you know what? I want to go to North Dakota. He was in South Florida. Yes, sir. And this guy, according to your exact words, Yes, sir.

loved black pussy so much Damn right. that he left South Florida Mm-hmm. a hotspot of black pussy to go to the actual fucking North Pole of black pussy. Exactly. Exactly. Africa. Exactly. Oh. Africa. Exactly.

Oh, my God. I know. I know. They're still married to the Z, God damn it. Wow. That is incredible. Shout out, Justin. Uh... Uh... Uh... I...

Justin is in North Dakota right now, I'm like, well, thank you. You got that right. You got that right. He looks like a white Pete Davidson, if I'm being honest with you. Well, Pete Davidson is a white Pete Davidson, so... Oh, I said oops. Yeah, my bad. Yep, no, he is. It's all good. I meant Mawn. My bad.

Mawn and white, same shit. I didn't... Whoever does the casting at SNL also thought Pete was half-black when they got him, so anyway. That's true. Yeah. I didn't think Shane's liver had this much energy right here. And whoever does the casting at SNL also thought Pete was half black when they got him. So anyway, go ahead. That's true. Yeah. I didn't think Shane's liver had this much energy right here.

What? Who? Shane's liver. Oh, Shane. Oh, yeah, that's right. What? I got it. I'm black.

I'm wearing all black. Rich, Shane's liver. Oh, got it. Got it. All right. Very good. You know what? I think Rich is having mini strokes during this show. I said to him, I go, is this funny?

He goes, you gotta do it. This motherfucker. I love your blaming Adam on your fucking jokes. He said it was funny. It's weird, my oldest daughter married a black dude. I mean, so I heard through family. Really? Yeah. I'm not racist.

Wow. People think I'm racist because I have two drinking fountains at my house. Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What is what? No signs above him. Jim. Jim. What did you do for work in North Dakota, Jim? Oh, that's funny.

I worked for AT&T. Okay. Worked, yeah. And what do you do now? I am working for another company in sales. Okay, very good. And do you have a steady girlfriend? I do, I do.

Yeah, she followed me up to North Dakota and down here as well. And now you live here in Austin, Texas. How long have you lived here for? I just got here December 31st. December 31st. And what made you wanna move to Austin, Texas of all places?

Stand up comedy, man. Right, and you love it. How old are you? I'm 31, turning 33. 31, wow are you i'm 31 31 wow yeah yeah yeah it's incredible what does that mean i don't know you could have said anything i would have said that that yeah it works you could have been 25 55 you really could have been anything have you ever been a volunteer firefighter i'm getting volunteer firefighter vibes, sunglasses down. Yeah, my bad, guys. No, it's okay.

Yeah, I know I do look like a security guard right now. I get it. Cut or uncut? Jesus, Rich Voss asking the tough questions over here. When are the sunglasses going? You wear them outdoors, yeah? Or is it just for show?

No, I wear them. I was actually wearing them. I was actually wearing them, but, like, you know, it's dark now, so... Yeah, yeah. Incredible is it just for show? No, I wear, I was actually wearing them, but like, you know, it's dark now, so. Yeah. Yeah, incredible. Were you ever racially profiled in your time in North Dakota?

Surprisingly, no. No, because before I cut my hair, I actually had blonde hair, and they're just not used to seeing black guys up there, so I didn't look threatening at all. You had blonde hair? Yeah, Cam Patterson told me to cut it off because he said my hair looked like it had AIDS.

Don't laugh at that. Fuck that nigga. I'm just playing. I love Cam. Jim, you're so funny. What's something else we should know about you before we let you go? Oh, shit, you know, like I said, I grew up overseas. I speak multiple languages. I speak French, for example.

You speak French? I speak French 100%. What did you just say? I speak French 100%. I'm 100% fluent in French. Wow, what other languages do you speak? An African dialect called Wolof, bread man, don't you play that shit?

Oh, wait a second. No, no, no, just hold on, hold on. Let him do the fucking thing. I wanna hear you. Lies and shit were about to come out. What can you say in, don't wait. Uh. Bon.

As-salamu alaykum, magnifique. Wa-akeel-toni. Malini Jar. Wow. Fuck yeah, what did that mean? So I just said, hey, I'm here on Kill Tony and I'm saying pretty much good blessings to you guys. Let's go, dude.

There you go. When you lived in Africa and you would walk down to the river to do your laundry... Uh... No, I took the zebra, nigger. You can't... Laughter I took the zebra.

That's right. What else? What else can you do? Oh, I know how to do nunchucks. Really? I swear to God, I don't have them on me, but I do know. Do we, I know how to do nunchucks. Really? I swear to God, I don't have them on me, but I do know. Do we have any? We do have nunchucks. I had a feeling. We have a special...

Oh my God. This place is unbelievable. We have a special Kill Tony toy box where we have all the things we might ever need, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. Oh my God. Give me a single spotlight, Keno. Oh my. Yeah. Oh my God. Give me a single spotlight Keno. Wow. Holy shit. This is incredible.

He could have played both characters in Rush Hour. Absolutely unbelievable. Wow. Wow. Wow. I mean, yeah, you kind of did it. Yeah. Yeah, it was good.

How long you been doing that? About a year and a half now. Let's go. Where did it ever come into play or come into, you know? Whoa, I just use it for Kill Tony now, god damn it. Let's go. Let's go. You. Where did it ever come into play or come into, you know? Whoa, I just use it for Kill Tony now, god damn it. That's right. Let's go, let's go, you fucking did, yeah.

Absolutely, absolutely. And then Chuck Berry over here. Yeah, I'm not gonna have to whoop nobody's ass with this shit, no. No. Jim, wait, what, Rich? You would've thought the last guy would've done that. Yes.

Yes, he would've done that. Yeah, folks with no corporation. Rich is literally doing a different podcast tonight. He's listening. You can't see, but he has a little headphones in. What's the longest set you've ever done, Jim? If I'm being honest, 36 minutes. 36.

You're on the Secret Show. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, absolutely unbelievable. Jim Telly has arrived. Here's a big joke book, Jim. Thank you so much. Sign up again, come back. We need more Jim Telly in our lives.

So much fun. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring to the stage, coincidentally, the man that told Jim Telly to cut his blonde hair, one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. This is the one and only Cam Patterson. -♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh I said, it look gay as hell. Cut it off, you bitch nigga. That's what I said. I did y'all a favor. He did a good job. I'm proud of him. Uh, let's talk about Trump.

Uh, he's funny. He's funny to me. I'm not a political, I'm not very political, but it's very funny that he hired a 13-year-old kid who would cancel to be the head of the Secret Service. That's funny as fuck to me. He likes it a lot. That's a... It's funny, because my grandma weird, because she weird about it,

because the kid is black, she don't know how to feel. I was like, Grandma, how do you feel about Trump hiring a black kid to be head of the Secret Service because he has cancer? And my grandma said, I don't give a fuck about that retard. And I said, Grandma, he has cancer. And she went, same thing. No, it's not. Which is crazy, right? And what's funny to me, this is what I think about a lot.

This is really, this make me really happy. He don't know it's fake. He has no idea that he's not the head of the Secret Service. He think he run the Secret Service. What's funny is like Trump has got on to something that African niggas knew a long time ago. Child soldiers are amazing. You understand that? Like, you fuck with Trump, I will kill your family. Trump has got on to something that African niggas knew a long time ago. Child soldiers are amazing.

You understand that? Like, you fuck with Trump, I will kill your family, nigga. And I love it. It's pretty dope for me. And the last thing I want to say is, I've been thinking about this a lot. It's funny, because last year, Trump got shot in the ear, and everybody was making fun because he had two women at Secret Service.

And it's funny to think that he, instead of that, he was like, fuck all that bullshit. I'm gonna hire a retarded 13-year-old nigga with cancer because that's better with two women than a gun, you know what I'm saying? I said it backwards, but you get it. You get what I was going. Ha ha ha ha ha.

What can I say that I haven't said thousands of times before? Absolutely incredible, Cam Patterson. We fucking love you. That is hilarious. What a great fucking premise. Y'all don't see this nigga over here in jail? Y'all don't see him? He's been in jail clothes the whole show.

Oh, yeah. You don't see this white man in prison? No, I didn't. Oh, he's wearing the official Cam Patterson white T-shirt. That's terrifying that he has that. Yep. Yep. Okay. Sit back he has that. Yep, yep. Okay, sit back down, Kam. Why you taking your clothes off?

I'm sorry, I fucked up. It's not great to wake these kind of people up. Oh yeah! Thank God for calling on me to help. He was, he was all right. Now he's fucking, all right, he's back to chill. I like your style, jail dude, that's definitely done meth a bunch.

Real drugs, real hardcore with soup. No, no he's back to chill. I like your style, jail dude, that's definitely done meth a bunch. Yeah, real drugs, real hard core with soup. No, no, he hasn't done meth. I thought that was me in makeup for a minute. Just have good energy. Good energy over there. I like that. What made you dress like a jail guy? They show Kill Tony in prisons? Yes.

With the right phone. You snuck a phone in prison and you watched Kil Tony? I didn't move the phone. Right, right. He didn't have a phone up his ass. I signed up. I'll tell you my story when I get home. Okay.

Wow. What a teaser. What a night. I mean, holy shit. This is a wild night. There's guys that watch Keltoni while in actual prison, wearing a prison outfit. That fucking, this is absolutely incredible.

I believe in this guy too. That's amazing. Oh, he gonna stab all of us. Either way, either way it's gonna be fun. Either way. What is he doing? He humping something, that was scary. That's incredible. I said over here, that was terrifying. He doing? He humping something. That was scary. I'm gonna do the rest of my shit over here, nigga.

That was terrifying. He humped the air over me. That was crazy. Let's go, dude. Let's go. Fuck Rich Voss first, please. I don't know if it's a prison outfit. It's fucking cool lots.

You got shorts. That's a prison outfit? And the street continues. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Welcome to the Roast of Rich Boss. It doesn't matter.

The problem is I came out too hot. And I don't follow it. Did you walk here? What? Because your knuckles are scraped. Oh, my God, Rich. Put the mic down. Put the mic down. Put the mic. This place is in chaos right now.

That took my brain like, I was like, wait, what does he mean? Oh, wow! He should have taught me a monkey, nigga. That's a real boogie. Hey, guys, what's up? I guess the streak's over, bitch. Oh, my God. No, it's Bob. That's Bob, too. That's also Bob.

Oh, my God. This party is out of control. I've never seen D. Madness clench his fist before. He's back here ready to defend his sweet, sweet Cam Patterson. He finally popped the shit out of Adam Ray. He don't know who the fuck rest of that. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. He finna puff the fuck out of Adam Ray. Holy shit.

Well, we'll retake, nigga. I swear to God. You gotta be close, bitch. You gotta be close. Ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, my God. Holy shit. Cam, I mean, you've done it. We've done so many interviews. I got to tell you, I fucking love that new joke.

Absolutely incredible. Super topical. Right on the fucking dot. 13-year-old with cancer in the news all week. The fucking State of the Union and everything. You nailed it. Adam, anything? Yeah, great, great new big game.

I mean, there's always, every time I see you, always something new. Pre-stage, man, I love it. Keep you on it, baby. Thank you, man. You're absolutely killing it. An unstoppable force. Rich Voss wants to say one more thing.

This guy's got the fucking... I know how to pick him. He's gonna end up on SNL, I guarantee it. Rich, Rich. That's not even a thing anymore, Rich. He's gonna end up on YouTube. Rich is like, I know it when I see it. He's gonna end up on Johnny Carson any day now. I swear to God, this guy, we need to get him on Star Search.

He's gonna be... Star Search. Oh, I swear to God. I swear to God, when Merv Griffin finds this guy, it's gonna beerk. Oh, I swear to God. I swear to God, when Merv Griffin finds this guy, it's gonna be incredible. Oh, I swear to God. Hey, I want to book you at the last subway... I swear to God.

Hey, you know what? You should perform at the Dinosaur Factory. Yeah. Rich in the Allentown. There he goes. Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. What an episode.

We're having fucking fun tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull. Whoa. Wow. Heidi getting big pops tonight. The ladies love her, The dudes love her. Absolutely incredible. This guy's going to jerk off right now in the bathroom.

It's absolutely unbelievable. At Desjardins, we speak business. We speak equipment modernization. We're fluent in data digitization and expansion into foreign markets. And we can talk all day about streamlining manufacturing processes. Because at Desjardins Business, we speak the same language you do. Business. So join the more than 400,000 Canadian entrepreneurs who already count

on us and contact Desjardins today. We'd love to talk business. business. When you get into an Escape Plug-in Hybrid, you get the perfect mix. You can chill in electric mode, turn it up in gas mode, or get the best of both in hybrid mode. Choose how you move in the all-in-one Escape.

And right now, get a $3,000 rebate on the Escape plug-in hybrid and all 2025 Escape models. For details, visit your Toronto area Ford store or ford.ca. Your next bucket pull has been on the show a couple times. You know, it's just so fun every time this young lady is on. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Juanita, everybody. Here we go. -♪

What should I say? Hey, uh, so I started working at a restaurant, and I'm annoyed with my manager because she doesn't say anything to the little kids running around. And I used to be a corporate manager and I would lie so I'd be like hey you guys we don't want the kids running around because we have some broken glass or hey y'all we just had a service dog eat a piece of Oreo cheesecake and diarrhea all over the main dining room. We're gonna want to keep the kids right here.

Hey, y'all. Our buster is a registered sex offender. And he's really horny. And your kids are super hot. So we're just gonna want to keep them neatly stowed right here at the table. Anybody uncircumcised? Yeah, me too. Juanita. Juanita.

Always a decent minute, but your interviews are absolutely priceless. Let's start here. One thing that I noticed, right from the very, very top of your set, do you notice what you did? Oh, uh, I said I should not say. Even before that?

No, I didn't. You went... Like that. Is that a thing that you think a lot of trans comedians have to do when they... Probably, you know, have some voice issues. For those of you that don't know or haven't put it together yet, if you're easily tricked and would have ended up sucking a fat cock tonight...

Oh! ...Wanita was originally a wand. Yeah. There. There. All right. Oh. Juanita was originally a Juan. Yeah. There, there, there. All right. Juanita, welcome.

Thank you. So let's talk about it. You said that you're... Are you really uncircumcised? Is that an actual thing? Yeah, I was born in Mexico. They don't do that there, huh? No.

They keep the fucking corn tortilla right there, huh? Yeah, I was gonna say it was pretty common. That's a Mexican thing. Rich Voss clearly hates trans people. He's completely shut down. He doesn't know what to do. He's just looking back and forth, super confused. I'm fucking shell shocked from the whole night.

What the fuck? I didn't know that was a dude. I got fucking hard for nothing. Not for nothing. Oh. Whoa. Hey. Whoa. You're hard for nothing? Not for nothing. Oh. Whoa. Hey.

Whoa. We'll be right back. Uh... Oh. Oh, yeah. Oh, man. That's right. So Juanita, how's life going?

Remind us again. How long you been doing stand-up? About three years. Three years. What do you do for work? So right now I'm working at a restaurant. Actually, I'm working at a restaurant. What are you doing at the restaurant?

I'm working at a restaurant. Remind us again, how long you been doing stand-up? About three years. Three years. What do you do for work? So right now I'm working at a restaurant, actually. I'm working at a restaurant. What are you doing at the restaurant? Just serving, just serving rotisserie chicken that cost $36 at a restaurant called Fresa's. Oh, I actually like that place. Yeah, it's great.

Yeah, I love that place. Should I not love it? No, they're amazing. They actually, like, they feed us, like not love it? No, they're amazing. They actually feed us three times a day. They're amazing. They're a very consistent, good meal. What were you saying there?

Let's go to our own resident rotisserie chicken, Rich Vaz, who's been spinning around all night, slowly and slowly. Once you said they feed her three times a day, I just said, no shit. Yeah. Yeah. It's like she's picking up double shifts. Uh...

Oh, listen. Look, you're doing comedy, you're having fun. Do it all before you go to hell. That's what I'm... Yeah. I'm trans, so that's what's gonna happen. When did you know? When did you know you wanted to make the switch?

I knew my whole life, but I didn't do it until I was, like, 30. Mm. What? Why? Um... Oh, because, like, I got, like, a linguistics degree, and I wanted to be an interpreter. And so, like, I don't know. I just couldn't... I didn't know how to navigate, like, I got, like, a linguistics degree and I wanted to be an interpreter. And so, like, I don't know, I just couldn't, I didn't know how to navigate, like, the professional

and then, like, also being trans. So I just, I was, like, trans around, like, my friends. Were your friends trans? No. Right. I actually didn't really, like, have any trans friends until I moved to Austin. Okay. No. All right.

All right. Uh, those are your friends. Okay. So Juanita, when you say you knew your whole life that you were a man or a woman in a man's body, what do you mean? Like how did you first know? Like how does that kind of happen?

Were you excited to like do the dishes or something? Like that? No, I'd get in trouble a lot for doing faggy shit, like playing with Barbies. And like, no, but I knew in like, in my mind, I had this little fantasy where like, one day we were gonna go to the doctor and they were gonna do some testing,

be like, oh no, we made a mistake! And they're like, oh, okay. But no, that didn't happen. But yeah,, be like, oh, no, we made a mistake! And they're like, oh, okay. But, no, that didn't happen. But, yeah, I would, like, fantasize. As a child, I would fantasize about that. Yeah, Rich Foss. Sometimes, like, in a hotel, I'll put my dick between my legs,

and I'll run around the room going, who's a pretty girl? Yeah. So Rich is asking, did you do that? Yeah, similar experience. He nailed it. Yeah. Spot on. He, did you do that? Yeah, similar experience. He nailed it. Yeah.

Spot on. Still do sometimes. So Juanita, do you have a, what are you into? You into boys, girls? How does this work exactly? I like men. You like men? Like big old white men.

You like big white men that treat you like a lady. And then, so have you ever been on, like, a date with maybe someone that maybe, like, didn't know? Like, did they, like, do you have to... At what point, what's it like doing that? Uh, it used to happen, and then, like, now I just get it out of the way. I'm like...

Because it can be, like, a little dangerous. Of course. Especially here in Texas. Yeah, no, no, no. So I learned... You're not the only one carrying a concealed weapon. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, no, no, no. That's definitely happened before. So you get it out of the way... Right, you get it out of the way early. What was a close call? Was there ever one where, like, I don't know, you say it. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I think the only thing I can think of is just like, sometimes I can kind of like, I used to be able to tell when a guy was about to kind of like grab my crotch or something. And they're like, oh, before you do that. And then, so I got a secret.

What's the, wait, would your voice get that deep when you would say that? No. Yeah. I think you could tell after that. I'd go full Jerry Springer. Yeah. The reason I brought you here, Quantavious.

Oh. Oh. I was born a man. Funny. So when you would have to do that, if it got to that point, if they were about to grab your crotch and you double-made sure, like, whatever, how, like, would they just keep going? No, yeah, they don't give a fuck.

Right. Yeah. At that point, either they knew or they're down for an adventure. No, yeah, it's usually, like yeah, they don't give a fuck. Right. Yeah. At that point, either they knew or they're down for an adventure. No, yeah, it's usually like, sometimes they get more excited. Right.

They're like, oh fuck, like I got one. Yeah. Yeah. Look at this food. Yep. Come for the chicken, stay for the beef. All right. Juanita, what do you do for fun?

What's a hobby of yours? I like painting a lot, and then, uh... Right then. I like to do... Uh-oh. Uh-oh. I have so many walls! Put your political views aside for one night. You like painting? What else? I like painting. I like doing karaoke. I like doing... What's your karaoke song of choice? Do you go boy or girl on that one?

Are you doing fucking Celine Dion or Dion Celine? Both of islands in the stream. How do you know about Dion? No, I go like Selena. Usually do Selena. Okay. That's a good one. Can we go with that?

I like doing karaoke. I like doing karaoke. I like doing karaoke. I like doing karaoke know about Dion? Now, I go like Selena. Usually do Selena. Okay. All right. Can we get a little taste of the Selena? Nachos Belgrandes has been waiting for me to get a Selena song for years here. Here we go. I know you have a new love, you gave me. at the same time. It's absolutely incredible. That is tonight's Doritos joke of the night.

Oh my God. You already have a big joke book? Yeah. Hell yeah. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Juanita, everybody. Can I do one thing? I don't know why you would have to do one thing.

What's going on, Juanita? I want to challenge Rick Diaz for his golden ticket. No, no, that's not how it works, Juanita. That's not how it works. There goes Juanita, everybody. Thank you so much. Adorable. Adorable.

The man came out at the end there. I want to take Rick Diaz's job. Wow. All right, your next bucket poll. Looks like a new name. Goes by the name of Lisa Smith, everybody. Lisa Smith. Here we go.

Okay, this is great. Where my white men at? Okay, great. I think the funniest thing about World War II, you guys love it, I think the funniest thing is how adorable Japanese people became after. Like these people used to be scary. They used to be like kamikaze pilots and samurais. And then, afterward, they were like, "'Kamichiwa!'

We're cute now. I could say that, though. I could say that because I'm a weird black person. And everyone knows all weird black people are Japanese for some reason. I don't know why. But I am gonna name my baby Super Kawaii. Super Kawaii Leonard.

Okay, great, you guys watch basketball. I think the second funniest thing about World War II is what Oppenheimer's girlfriends killed herself. Because just like white women, gotta make everything about them. Okay, thank you. Lisa Smith, welcome, welcome. Hey, hi. Hello, how are you? This is your first time on the show, right?

Yeah, at Mothership, yeah. Okay where was the other time at? Volcan. Okay, so it's been a few years. Yeah, yeah. All right, awesome. How long you been doing standup? Oh, like nine years. Nine years, all of it here in Austin, Texas?

No, Atlanta, duh. Oh, well that was my next guess. Yeah. Anyway, Atlanta, how long have you been in Austin? Like three years. Three years, absolutely perfect. What do you do for work? I serve tables at like a crab restaurant.

At a crab restaurant, a lot of servers here, Tanya. At a crab restaurant. And Lisa, your set was very funny, filled with punch lines, World War II, I would not have guessed that you would come out with a full minute of World War II material. Guns ablaze and like that. Absolutely incredible. Tell us more about you, Lisa Smith. Okay.

I like, like, scrawny dudes. I like anime. Okay, great. That was one of them. Um... When you say scrawny dudes, you mean scrawny black dudes or white dudes? Uh, it can be whatever. Like, okay, uh... It can be white and black is number one and two,

but I've fucked every race. White and black is... You ever been to a Hampton Inn? Uh... Uh... Uh... Lisa, you're into anime. into a Hampton Inn? Lisa, you're into anime, what else? Let me ask you this, when you say scrawny dudes, how scrawny are you talking? What's like the smallest guy you've ever hooked up with?

If you had to guess his weight. 130-ish. 130, yep, that's pretty light. Do you know who Heath Cordes is? Yeah. I don't know. He's a tiny, tiny little boy. Spinner.

Where is he? Yeah, I know. Is Heath here? Anybody have eyes on Heath? He might be under one of your tables running around right now. He likes to pick up little things that people drop. Do you have a job? What do you do for work? She works at a crab restaurant.

She's a server at a crab restaurant. Yeah. Hell yeah. You should say that out loud. What? What's your position there? A server. She's a server at a crab...

This moment is brought to you by the Rich Voss School of Comedy, where anyone can listen and then just say whatever they want and then follow it up with a, I'm back. Classes are going on right now, Monday through Wednesday, 3 to 3.15. You're so likable, I could see you on SNL. They got like four of her on SNL already. That's exactly what SNL wants on SNL. They got like four of her on SNL already. That's exactly what SNL wants on SNL. There's a lot of me in New York, yeah.

Yep, no doubt about it. Lisa, tell us something crazy about your life. Tell us something wild. What would surprise us about you? My whole family's crazy. Three bitches trying to fight me before I left Atlanta. What did they try to fight you for? Okay, uh, okay.

Oh, this is gonna be good. Oh, yeah. This is gonna be great. Well, one, I thought I was trying to fuck her girlfriend. Do you do that sometimes? Do you hook up with chicks? No. I hear my voice. I know. No, I'm straight. And then one, I did fuck her boyfriend. And then, uh, the last one, I don't know. No, I'm straight. And then one, I did fuck her boyfriend.

And then the last one, I don't know. I don't know. I think she thought I was better than her. Why would she think that you thought that she was better than her? I think my voice sounds affluent, but I'm poor. But I think that kind of gets black women don't like that. Black people don't like that. They don't.

They don't. Is this true, black people? The black people look very confused. John Dees. Are you the child of Macy Gray and Cam Patterson? Yes. It is. I would love that.

Yeah. How long has your hair been like that? It's a really like, it's a great quality. It is... I would love that. Yeah. How long has your hair been like that? It's a really, like, it's a great quality. It is incredible. Is there a barber shop at the Underground Railroad that you, uh, want to... Wow. Oh, even John, you're not gonna laugh at that?

Jesus, John. John's gotten too used to this show. Four years, he's gotten to his fucking head. Used to laugh at jokes like that. Ah-ha! I touch your hair. Oh, my God, Red Band, no. Let me answer that for you.

You cannot touch her hair. Do you have a boyfriend now? Yeah, I guess. A comedian? You date a comedian? No, I used to do that. I stopped. Yeah, yeah. A comedian? You date a comedian? No, I used to do that. I stopped. Why? Who the fuck?

Are you hollering? What's that? That means are you trying to go on a date with her? Are you hollering at her? Oh, no, no, I couldn't handle that. Where do you work? Do you have a job or do you serve at a crab restaurant? Do you? I serve tables at a crab restaurant.

What, uh, what, uh, who are, like, your influences when you first got into stand-up? Um, wow. These are, like, real questions. Yeah, that is a very, very serious question you got there. What is this? Inside the actor's studio? What's your favorite curse word? Oh, fuck. What turns you on?

Rich Voss. What turns you off? F-F-F-F-F-, um... She'd probably be a server at a fucking crab restaurant. Here's a big joke book. We're gonna... There she goes. Thanks so much for Lisa Smith. We're having fun here tonight. What? All right.

Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen. It is Will Owens, everybody. Will Owens, everybody. Will Owens. -♪ Shut your ass up. I hope all y'all doing well. I'm feeling great. My wife and I just finished adopting an at-risk youth. Yeah, we got a little crack baby at the crib and shit.

Every morning before work, I pick him up, take a deep breath, get a little contact high, shit better than coffee, man. I do have a question. I'm gonna ask this side of the room, because some of y'all look like y'all grew up in the system. Um... What's the return policy on an orphan?

Anybody know? Is it 30 days? Do I still need the receipt? At this point, I'll take store credit. This little nigga got to go. They told me he was refurbished good as new. Hey, he came out that box broken, all right? Oh, before I get out of here, somebody please take a picture of me

so my wife doesn't think I'm cheating. Ah! Laughter Will Owens. You have one more? I was gonna say, just send her the picture in three hours. Laughter Applause

There you go. Will Owens. So you are married? Yeah, I'm married. And you really have a kid? Yeah, he's not a crack baby, though. I mean, that was my next question. Oh, no. When you say orphan, you adopted it?

No, that's just a joke. I just write jokes. Okay, all right. Relax, Will. Jesus Christ almighty. That's why I... All right. That's why I was here. I'm sorry. Okay, relax, Will. You're doing right. Relax, Will. Jesus Christ almighty. That's why I... All right. That's why I was here. I'm sorry. Okay, relax, Will.

You're doing okay. Relax. Relax. You're not in court right now. Relax, Will. It's okay. I'm gonna take... I want this to go good for you, too, Will. How long you been doing stand-up? About 2 1⁄2 years. Where at? Houston.

You know, everybody fucking groaned earlier when I asked the black guy, Atlanta and then Houston, just take note, Atlanta, Houston. I'm just saying, South Florida would be the third guess where the guy was from. All right, so Will, Houston, Texas, two and a half years. You still live there? Yeah, I'm not from Houston. I just moved there. Where are you originally from?

San Bernardino, California. What made you move to Houston? It's cheaper. Okay. All right. And what do you do for a living there? I'm a staff and agency recruiter. Okay. All right. You like that job? Yeah, I about it. And what do you do for a living there? I'm a staff and agency recruiter. Okay. All right.

You like that job? Yeah, I love it. Okay. What do you do for fun, Will? Fuck y'all. Everyone likes you, Will. Everybody likes you. I'm laughing at my job.

No, they're just laughing. They just think you're likable, Will. It's a good thing. Thank you. You're doing good. Because ready to turn on everybody real fast. Very defensive, Will. Yeah, are you always that quick to fuck y'all?

You do that a lot? Yes. Yeah, yeah. As a joker, but you kind of mean it, yeah? Only to my friends. I can't be my true self to strangers. Oh, I think that's what Ted Bundy said, yeah. Now it's good to do it, Ted Bundy.

Now it works. And you, too, can use a punchline like that if you take classes at the Rich Boss School of Comedy. Operators are standing by. Classes are $630. They take Venmo and cash 3 to 3.15 Monday through Tuesday. That's my birthday. That's your birthday at 6.30?

Oh, thanks, Rich. That's a big part of the comedy show. Hey, you guessed my birthday 6.30. That's your birthday 6.30? Oh, thanks, Rich. That's a big part of the comedy show. Hey, you guessed my birthday. Just say if you want to play that number. 6.30. I like your fucking J's. You look good, man. New sneakers.

You know about... Do you know what J's are? I got 50 pairs. I'm a fucking headliner, bitch. A headliner? A headliner? I've never heard of such a... How do you get to be a headliner? How do you get to go up last at the comedy club?

They're what? Dumps? Why are you... All right, co-headliner. Oh, my God. They're not Jordans. All right. Will, tell us something crazy about your life. Tell us a fun fact about you, or something about your life that would surprise us.

That wouldn't? Anything. I met one of my brothers when I was in, like, high school. Whoa. Yeah, I didn't even know he existed that week before. This is from, obviously, your father's side? Yes. Yeah.

Yep. Yeah. Yep. Yeah. Low-hanging fruit, that one, huh? Was it emotional? Fuck no. Yeah. No. It was like a Ghetto Mori episode and shit. Yep. That happens. That's a thing.

That happens to white people, too. That be happening to some white people. That be... Where'd you meet them? Like, uh, like jail or...? Uh, so my sss... Oh, my God. Hey. The Red Band School of Comedy is taking submissions now

at the Sunset Strip. Um, it's a 20-minute course. You get a certificate at the end. I just need to sound weird. What made you meet your brother then? Was that your dad's idea? No, I don't think either one of us knew he existed, for real. My sister's good friend, she was hanging out,

and her, my sister's good friend's mom walked in, asked her her name. She told her her full name. She was like, oh, are you related to Willie Owens Jr.? And she was like, that's my dad. And then she was like, oh, you want to meet your brother? And then she was like, little nigga, come in here and meet your sister.

So casual. My sister called me like, little nigga, come in here. Meet your brother. Yeah, but we're cool now. Wow. What I said about that happening to white people, it doesn't happen like that. It's not exactly like that.

Have you guys kicked it since you reunited? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Talk to them all the time. You guys find that you have a lot of things in common? No. Okay. All right, well, well... What else? Anything else?

Other than staff and recruiting, you have any hobbies or anything like that? Just, for real, just being a father comedy right every day. How old's your kid? Two. Two. Two years old. Is that Willowens III? No, it's a girl. Oh. Hell, yeah.

Were you happy when you found out you were having a girl? Uh... Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I was happy. I would have been happy no matter what it was, you know? I just wanted a healthy kid. What's the toughest part about being a dad?

Um, toughest part about being a dad? Staying there? Yep. No. No. No, not a black dad. Oh. Okay.

Again, that number for the rich, Vos. It's 255. No, not a black dad. Oh. Again, that number for the rich boss. Oh, my God. It's 255. Will Owens, thank you so much. He's killed Tony debut. Appreciate it. It has happened. Will Owens.

All right, we're gonna speed through this next part of the show. I have another golden ticket winner, literally, famously. One of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Martin Phillips, everybody.

Here you go. ["The Golden Ticket Winner"] Cool, hey, what's up? Okay, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop because she's screaming at me. It's the only ash I have. But anyway, I'm a lover, not a fighter. So when someone tries to fight me, I try to have sex with them. I'm like, let's do that fist another way. Let's meet at the middle, you know,

because the fist is... Okay. Anyway, no, I don't think I can fight many people. I think I got old people and children, so if you're under 80 or over 80, stay the fuck out of my way. Okay. 59.5 seconds for Martin Phillips.

These people are dialed in. Super professional. Thank you. 100% all-time batting average for Martin Phillips. How's life going, Martin? You look fantastic. Oh, and now he's just corduroy. Ooh, it's corduroy. My goodness. Now he's friber, dude.

Hell, yeah. Nothing better than a corduroy shirt on the first 85-degree day of the year. No. It was cold in the morning, okay? Okay. You put it on in the morning. Yeah. You dress up in the morning, and then no matter what happens... Yeah. I take my outfit, okay? Okay. He put it on in the morning. He dress up in the morning and then no matter what happens...

I take my outfit, okay? I stick with my fashion. Nice, old black, wow, dude. Favorite color or something, but you color blind or you... Are you talking shit right now? What the fuck is going on exactly? Motherfucker, what's going on? Are you going to a funeral? I mean, you are so lucky.

I don't understand what you're saying. I think it looked great. What is happening over here? Just because you fucking can't take the shirt off. Just because you can't unbutton your fucking buttons after you get all dressed in the morning. Come on, Mark. Come on, Mark. No, no, no.

Oh, God. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, the place is going wild. Oh, what Oh shit. We've run out of time. Oh shit. Oh the place is going wild. Oh. Oh what a twist. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh no, this is how you kill me.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.

Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit. How the... Now the shoes! How the hell is this the biggest show in comedy right now?

This doesn't make any sense. We have fucking dudes with cerebral palsy taking off their shirts to Standing Ovations, and Netflix is like, how do I get involved? This is absolutely incredible. The tough part is gonna be busing back up. Right. Yeah. It's going to be... I didn't think about that part.

You're gonna see Juanita with a new green corduroy do-rag later. It's wrapped around her head. Martin, that could be your new closer. Oh, yeah, yeah. Just take the shirt off. Take off the pants. I do that sometimes. Martin, that could be your new closer. Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, I think it's a shirt. Take off the pants. I do that sometimes. I do that a reverse spurt-cry shirt. I take off the pants.

Oh, yeah. Has anybody ever tried to use you as a dildo? Oh. Okay. The rage fought at school. God, I hate everybody. He's back! He's back! He's back! He's back!

He's back! He's back! He's back! Martin Phillips, a cold-blooded assassin. Martin Phillips, a cold-blooded assassin. You are truly the fucking man. Is there anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on? You know, I'm...

I mean, fuck all you guys. Fuck everybody. They love you. Yeah, dude, you know, I've been doing so well lately. I don't think I have to substitute anymore, I think. Yeah, I love that. have to substitute anymore. I think. Yeah. I love that. No more substitute teaching.

You're on tour, you're doing the road a lot, you're selling tickets. Yo, can I say this? Martin Phillips did a Dr. Phil Live in Las Vegas in January and he came out first and the place, 4,100 people went fucking nuts when he came out, dude. He's a super star. He's a goddamn murderer.

He's a super star. You're fucking your beast, Martin. You're so goddamn nice and funny. He's a super star. He's a goddamn murderer. He's a super star. You're fucking your beast, Martin. You're so goddamn nice and funny, man. A super star. Yeah, so I can retire. I'll substitute teaching. Yeah.

The crazy thing, one of the last days, I substituted. I did something I'd never done before at work. I shit my pants at the job. And I don't think- While you were teaching? Luckily it was at the end of the day, cause I don't think I could have hit that from the kids. I think they would have known.

Yeah. I shit my pants. Wow. And what, what was it exactly that you were doing when you shit your pants? You were a substitute teacher, so you play a lot of videos and stuff. Yeah, I just had the feeling of shitting, but then I have a classroom of students,

so I was like, oh, I can wait till the end of the period, and I could not, actually, yeah. But luckily, it happened after it all left. Were you wearing jeans? Oh, I was wearing khakis. Oh, my God. Wow. And was it a lot? Was it like a little shard? Oh, let me tell you. It was a vast amount of feces.

Wow. Now, I have to quote my own joke, but I was like, what am I gonna do with all this shit? Wow. What did you do? Take us through the moment. It looked like I peed out my butt. Yeah.

Anytime someone describes shitting as a vast amount of feces. Yeah. So. Anytime someone describes shitting as a vast amount of feces. Yeah. Wait, were you wearing, so you gotta wear like NBA tearaways next time. Yeah, I will. That'd be nasty. Hold on, take us actually through it now.

You shit your pants and there's a ton of shit. It is an unbelievable amount of shit. And you always have, let's just, let me slow it down here. Let the record show that he is not like a fucking, you know. Retard? Well, right. But he's also not like a comic that just would say

that he shit his fucking pants and that he shit a lot to tell a funny story. Like he- You gotta go to my school of comics. Exactly, right. So this, being one of the more intellectual, true joke writers on the show's fucking roster, this is actually incredible.

Now, honestly, to be honest, maybe not surprising, I do happen to poop myself more often than you would imagine. It's, uh... Well, I mean, you always walk like you just shit your pants. I have to go to the doctor, and I have, like, IBS. So let's go back. Okay. What is it, the last period of the day?

Last period. Right, last period, and you, like... I'll raise kids out, and I'm like, okay, let's go. And I start to open the door, and I'm like... Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, wait, wait. You know there was one kid left behind who was like, uh, Mr. Phillips, are you okay? And he was like, uh, uh, uh. Are you... Get the fuck out of here, kid. Are you having a fever?

So I, uh, I just sat down and waited, and I sat down. It was squishy. Oh, my. But now I knew it was a fast bound. So I was like, oh, man. But how do you get to your car? Don't you have to, like, clock out?

What do substitute teachers do? You just bounce, dude. I guess. I don't know how it works. Funny was, I sat in the teacher's chair. I waited. I got up. I left the wet park on the teacher's chair. I waited. I got up. I left a wet mark on the teacher's chair. Oh, my God.

You're like the Wet Bandits from Home Alone. Yeah. So he probably thought it was a prank by a student. He probably didn't think it was by the guy who substituted for him that day. Right. But I have a life. It was by the guy who substituted for him that day. Right. But I have a life, I have a life.

I try to clean the, I don't think I, I did not follow through on the chair. So who knows what happened to it, but anyway. I think it's a sign that it is indeed time to give up substitute Yeah, yeah, that's God telling you it's that's a wrap. Yeah. Yeah, so left your mark on that school Yeah, you left your mark in the community walk to it my knees bent like this Which isn't much different than normal You know nothing I think it helped this shit so that luckily than normal. I got a hole, and I got a, you know, nothing. I think it helped the shit.

So, then luckily, I have a seat protector on my car, so I can sit on the seat. But then I threw that out after I got home, and then I just went straight to the shower and threw everything away and washed up, and nobody knows that that's cool. And that's... Except all the millions of people.

Right, now they know. They don't go to the middle school I was at, okay? Wow. Incredible. Martin, what can I say? You fill our hearts every time you're on, just like you fill the backside of your pants when you're teaching. We love you. You've done it again.

Martin Phillips, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Before we... You know what? You know what I'm in the mood to do? I'm in the mood to do something fun here right now. And I know we're running late, and you people got here hours ago. You want to end it now? No!

You think we should do something fun? Yeah! Prison guy, what's your name? Ophid! Yeah! What is it? Offender! Offender! Ophid finger.

Offender! Oh, offender. Offender. Yeah! Okay, I want to, I want to, a guy in the green shirt, make a little space there. Make some noise for O-Fender, everybody.

A minute from O-Fender. Come on, there you go. Get to the microphone, there you go. No, right there. Your time starts, O-Fender, come on. Hell, fuck yeah, dude. Oh, my fucking God. I want to say this, I did my time like a man. Fuck yeah, dude, oh my fucking God.

I wanna say this, I did my time like a man. That's right, take that, Britney Griner. Couple things about prison you should know in case you decide to go. Farting is considered a form of flirting. And I had to learn that the hard way. When I let one rip, and I heard a dude way down the way, he said, hey, I hear you calling my name down there.

Yeah. And if you didn't laugh at that joke, I guess that's one of those moments in life where you should have been there. Because that shit was funny, but I was scared. You know what I'm saying? I hated when the guards made me strip down because they never tipped.

I felt like that shit was rude as hell. There is one more thing I will say. Go right ahead. You've done your time, but we're sending you back for more. I appreciate it. Yeah. There is one sound that haunts me to this day. It's not the sound of a man getting raped or two men enjoying it.

What? Too many what? Two men enjoying it. Two men enjoying it. Two men enjoying it, okay. Oh, it's actually the sound chains make when you walk. Yeah, it sounds like, chink, chink, chink. Okay, O'Fender, I gave you a shot there.

Again, that's the Rich Voss School of Comedy is... That's actually, he actually is a double, he's got his, he went to both schools. Okay, O'Fender, let's got his, he went to both schools. Okay, offender, let's talk about it real quick. How long were you in prison for? I did 13 months. 13 months. What did you get sentenced to prison for? I had two grams of pot, 0.1 to cocaine when I was 26. I was on the run for about six years. Okay.

In Alabama, it's a felony. In Alabama, no doubt about it. I'm sorry, my voice sounds so... You're okay, don't worry about it. We got a flight through it. Yeah, go ahead. Okay, so how long have you been listening to Kill Tony? Did you find it in prison or before?

Yes, sir, so I found it in prison, and luckily I was like a low-level offender. Uh-huh. Sorry. And so I was able to go out into the free... I was in a work release camp after a certain amount of time, and I was able to go out... Thank you world. I was in a work release camp after a certain amount of time and I was able to go out. Thank you, Red Band.

Yeah, keep going. I was able to go out every day into the free world and I would work at this chicken plant and I would listen to Kill Tony. I didn't even get to watch it. And Michael Lair was actually the comedian that convinced me, like gave me the inspiration. Amazing.

The late great, one of my favorite humans ever, the great Michael Lair. So, you did that, so you found it there. Was it somebody that recommended it to you? How'd you find it in prison? I actually believe that, to be honest with you, it was JRE. I think I'd seen you guys on there.

We were talking about it, so you tried it out. And this is way before you guys came to Texas. And have you ever done stand-up comedy before? So I've been doing standup now. I moved here two and a half months ago. And I've been doing it every day for three to five mics a day since I've got here. Dude, that's how you do it.

I love it. I waited three years. I live on my short bus. I dedicate my life to this. This is all I'm gonna do. You live on a short bus? Yes, sir. I'm an Alabama and it checks out.

I love it. Yeah. I love it. And do you have a job? No, sir. Comedy is the career and passion that I'm an Alabama, and it checks out. I love it. Yeah. I love it. And do you have a job? No, sir, comedy is the career and passion that I'm choosing, so I'm dedicating all of my time to that. How do you survive, though? How do you make a little bit of money to survive?

What, are you just committing crimes? Oh, it's gonna be a... I bleed the fifth! Yo, come on. Tell us the truth. You know this show. You know it's better when you're honest. Yes, sir. I always tell the truth. Yeah. So I sell some of the best goddamn weed that I grew my motherfucking self.

You're growing it in the short bus or outdoors? No, I used to live in Oregon. I was a professional pot grower. So when I went to go turn myself in, I drove my short bus across country. When I got done, I went back to Oregon, and I recently, I had to get my license. I had to do a lot of steps to move here to Austin to follow this dream.

So I like, literally the past three years been dedicating to try to get to this point. I am 36. 36, you know what? I'm gonna have you paint Red Band's house. Hey, hey, I'm more professional than that one guy. No, I love it, I'm gonna have you paint Red Band's house. Hey, hey, I'm more professional than that one guy. No, I love it. I'm just kidding. No one's letting you in their fucking house.

Uh, come on. Come on. I mean, maybe. You get it. Come on. Maybe John Cena if he's having a John Cena lookalike party. That's a compliment. Where do you get your material from? Um, so, like, I obviously do have all of the prison material that I do, but I have my normal stuff as well,

and I practice every day. I've been out on the street, like, literally barking for the past week, so I'm sorry my voice is... Barking to get people into the comedy show so that you can do a spot. Is that what you're talking about? Yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Are you literally barking because you're on crystal meth? No, no, no. No meth. Right. Yeah, I mean, that's my stuff. Do you still partake in things? Are you still kind of a party boy. No, no, no. No meth. Right. Yeah, I mean, that's messed up. Do you still partake in things? Are you still kind of a party boy? No, sir.

Just marijuana. Just marijuana, 100%. You don't drink? Or THCA. Sure. But you don't drink. You don't do coke anymore. No, sir.

So I do drink a little bit, officer. OK. Sorry. Since you're a Kill Tony fan, I'm going to let you off the hook. Yeah, I appreciate it. Hey, uh, can I tell you one thing that I really have? Like, it's special. It's really good. Okay.

Do you know the Kill Tony bingo board? Yeah. I have a tattoo of it on my thigh that I got while I was in prison. You have a Kill Tony tat... I have to see it. Kill Tony bingo boys. Y'all want to see it? Yeah, just...

Make some fucking noise! You're gonna show it? What the fuck's going on here? Let's do it. We're running out of time. Ladies and gentlemen... Wow! That is fucking incredible. That is the actual Kill Tony entire fucking bingo card. That is unbelievable.

That is incredible. I got your life together. Well, I guess so. I love it. I love it. Offender, congratulations. Here's a big joke, bud. There you go.

Oh, Jesus. Right off his fucking face. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Offender, congratulations. Here's a big joke, but here you go. Oh Jesus, right off his fucking face. Hey, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. You're okay. I catch cases, don't I? You're okay, we gotta finish the show.

Go have fun, get out of here. Wow, dude. One more time for Offender, everybody. Making dreams come true. And now, ladies and gentlemen, this is it. The moment you've been waiting for, a show that featured two golden ticket winners, two, I mean, the closer went first.

So I guess there's truly only one way to end an episode like this. And that is with, unlike Offender, a guy who's still trying to get his American citizenship. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Estonian assassin, the one and only, the great and powerful Ari Matty! Yeah! Yo, yo! A friend of mine got cheated on by his girl. Very sad.

And he found out that she cheated the only way men find out that they've been cheated on. She told them. Let's be honest, men ain't figuring shit out. We don't notice when you get a new haircut. You think I'm going to notice a sparkle in your eyes? You think I'm gonna notice an overall glow about you? Dude, I can't imagine how easy it is to cheat on a guy. I could come home, the other guy is in the closet, smell of sperm is all across the apartment. I'll still be like, baby, what you cooking?

Is that full? You could have the other guys come fall out of your pussy. I'll be like, holy shit, I'm killing it. I'll tell my friends, my baby girl come white, dude. Cheating on a woman though? Different story. They can tell. Even if they don't have evidence, they'll just look at you fucking.

You'll just walk in. I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I- with a fake passport, you're gonna destroy the evidence after. You're gonna fucking... You might have to drown that bitch. You might have to... You might have to drown her in the lake. Like, sorry, mamacita. But the bitch will know. Lo siento, mi amor. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Fucking crazy. It's crazy. What's going on here is crazy. We are witnessing a great comedian become one of truly the fucking... Truly, I really believe you're like one of the best in the world right now. That's crazy. Very nice of you. We're watching it happen in real time in the public eye.

It's pretty crazy. It is crazy. You're a superstar. Yeah, in my life, dude, 12 fucking years, nobody wanted me. The festivals didn't want me. Fuck JFL. I hope you fucking burn to hell. Yep, they did by the way, they went bankrupt.

Somebody bought him, I hope he dies too. I've auditioned to every fucking festival, been to London, Melbourne, fuck you, nobody wanted me. And then I finally found this motherfucking hardcore comedy community. Yeah. It's it, You chased it down. So, Adam, do you wanna jump in here?

Yeah, Ari, where do you work? Do you have a job? What's, do you work in? Okay, all right. No, do you get recognized? Like you mentioned that, like you're obviously like. In Austin, yeah, but I think it's like, the Kill Tony fans, they're always so cool, you know. They want to be cool. You know, they don't want to run up to guys that are always weird, you know.

They're like, what's up, player? You know. Yeah, what is your demo like, mostly? Men, all men, all men. It's always men. Yeah. Men always after shows in the corner. That was a great new tag. I noticed him fucking. That was a great new tag. I really, amazing role of three. It's a good compliment though.

That is an insider. No, it is, of course. Yeah, it's the best fans, yeah. I'm gonna go off of, I'm gonna, I wanna cover something here that I did notice this week. And Red Band has brought it up on the screen. The Estonian MP, what does that stand for? Main Prime or something?

Fuck, I even fuck, I'm blanking what he's done. He's something with money. But he's, okay. In the government, no, he's in the fucking European, whatever commission. The guy's haircut is fucking crazy. I know everybody's been sending me this fucking meme this whole week. Yeah. Have you guys seen this fucking haircut. I know everybody's been sending me this fucking meme this whole week.

Yeah. Have you guys seen this fucking haircut? I know the guy too. Do people do this a lot in Estonia? I mean in modern day politics you gotta stand out. Yeah. He has a really hot girlfriend too. Bagun!

Really? Check out the girlfriend. I bet he does. He's got that kind of energy. He's got fucking party boy energy. I know. It is a crazy haircut. But if you're in front of a commission from a small country that nobody gives a fuck about, this is a great start.

You got to stand out. We're going to put the picture of him over the screen during this part so that people can fucking fathom what the hell we're talking about because it is a goddamn absolute... That's mental illness. It's an architectural... It's an architectural... It's an architectural...

Is that a word? Architectural? Looks like the guy who farted at O'Fender. Yeah, I just wanted to say your name again. Oh, this is the prisoner, right? Yeah, that's the guy over there. I thought, and yes, you are very... Very prison.

Ari, anything else we should... You want to say before we put a ribbon on this episode? Killers of Killtonia amazing, you know? Dude, we go out sometimes to party. You should check out the crew we go. It's David Jolly, me and Martin Phillips. These bouncers don't know what the fuck kind of Avengers are walking in. Just the fucking, the blackest guy you've ever seen,

a fucking Nazi and a crippled. It's like a... It really... It's like a fucking anecdote when we just walk into bars. Yeah. And I love the way they look at Martin from the distance.

They're like, what the fuck? How fucked up is this guy? This guy's... And he's got to be like... I'm not fucked up. And he's got to be like, ah, ah, ah. I'm not fucked up, I'm just like this. Ah, yeah. Ah, yeah, yeah.

And you, too, can learn a Martin Phillips impression at the Rich Voss School of Comedy. Absolutely fucking incredible. You do some impressions. It's usually in the fucking green room where I see him that crash. What was the other one? What was the one that?

I sneak him out sometimes, yeah. Yeah, I didn't realize somebody was. What was the other one? You had another one though. I don't, maybe it's not good to do it if I don't know who it is, but who was it? I don't know. You were doing one the other night that had me.

Well, David Jolly's a real coupon holder. I know. I know, I know. know. You have a David Jolly? God, no! Hell yeah! Ari, you... I mean, there's nothing... I mean, I could go on and on, so I'm not going to. Thank you to all the fans. Thank you for supporting me. You're watching it in real life.

A rock star. An international superstar. How about one more time? Did you guys have fun tonight, huh? One more time for your reigning, defending Hall of Famer and 2023 guest of the year, Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen.

Dr. Phil is on tour. Adam Ray is on tour. You can get tickets for all those events, which are giant theaters. This guy is fucking thriving. AdamRayComedy.com. And how about one more time for Rich Voss, ladies and gentlemen.

His new special is on Amazon. How about one more time for Rich Voss, ladies and gentlemen. His new special is on Amazon. It is called Anonymous. We absolutely love you guys. Thank you to ZipRecruiter and Shopify. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebelt is in and it's absolutely stunning. That does, that is an incredible fucking drawing. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land.

Netflix, Kill Tony, Joining Forces, April fucking 7th, whatever you do. I don't think I've ever really asked you guys for anything, but watch it. Tell your friends to watch it. When you go to somebody else's house, just turn it on. Turn it on everywhere. Have your friends turn it on. We're gonna fuckin' do a little campaigning.

Is everybody gonna watch on April 7th? It's not gonna be what you think it's gonna be. It's gonna be our fuckin'... It's gonna be really, really good. It's gonna be our fucking, uh, it's gonna be really, really good. It's gonna be really special. Um, let's check out what Chris Rodgers drew tonight. Oh, wow, it's me, Russ, in a fucking pan homage to Stone Cold.

See, if I lifted weights, I could... I could... All right. April 7th, we did it. 12 fucking years of doing this show, and now the world will know we are going to be shoved right down their fucking throats. Red band? Love you guys. I love you.

God bless this audience, and God bless the United States of America. World peace, all. We love you. Thank you. Good night everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. This podcast is brought to you by Aura. By the time you hear about a data breach, your information has already been exposed

for months. On average, companies take 277 days to report a breach. That's nine months where hackers have access to your personal data, your name, address, phone number, even your social security number, before you even know it's out there. Think about it. Nine months is enough time for criminals to open accounts in your name, rack up debt, and disappear. All while you're left dealing with the mess. And when the company finally tells you, it's too late. The damage is already done.

Data breaches aren't slowing down. They're getting bigger, and the delays in reporting them aren't helping. Right now, your personal information could already be on the dark web, and you wouldn't even know it. How long do you wanna wait before taking action? That's why we're thrilled to partner with Aura. Aura monitors the

dark web for users' phone numbers, emails, and social security numbers, delivering real-time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. Additionally, Aura provides up to $5 million in identity theft insurance, offering a robust safety net in the event of a worst-case scenario. Aura goes the extra mile by scanning the dark web for your sensitive info and alerting you instantly if anything is found. And if ID theft strikes, no need to panic. Aura's US-based 24-7 broad resolution team works around the clock to fix it fast and get you back on track. Aura is a complete online safety toolkit, which includes a variety of other features to keep you safe online, including a VPN for secure browsing, DataBroker opt out to stop companies from selling your personal information,

a password manager to help you create and store strong passwords, and more. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online, all for free when you visit aura.com slash defense. That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you and your loved ones. That's a u r a dot com slash defense. Certain terms apply, so be sure to check the site for details.