KILL TONY - #716 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + TIM BUTTERLY

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

Chris O'Connor, Tim Butterly, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 04/14/2025 Go to https://shopify.com/killtony today! If you’re 21+, try VIIA during their annual SPRING 420 SALE for Black Friday-level savings up to 35% OFF site wide! Go to https://viia.co/TONY and use code TONY!Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/TONY Just go to https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony right now to try ZipIntro FOR FREE. Find some Mini Rippers nearby at https://voodooranger.com! Download the Prizepicks app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony could be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Huge announcement! I am doing stand-up comedy in Madison Square Garden, Friday, August 15th. This is a stand-up comedy show featuring me and the killers of kill Tony all your favorite regulars and stand-up comedians from the show

doing guest spots on it the artist resale is this Wednesday at 10AM and it goes till Friday May 2nd the special password is Tony 25 that's Tony to 5 all one word local presale starts Thursday May 1st at 10 a.m. Also the ticket drop for the Kill Tony tapings at the mothership is this Tuesday April 29th at noon. This is your warning. Those tickets are available at comedy mothership dot com. The tickets for the killers of Kill Tony o Tony Hinchcliffe at Madis friday august 15th are av

dot com. And there's stil available for the huge st at resorts world saturday those tickets are availab dot com. So Vegas, New Yo Texas, the chambers are loaded and ready to be shot off. Go to the respective websites and buy tickets and see stand-up comedy and the new tapings

of Kill Tony upcoming for the months of May, June, and July at comedymothership.com, the stand-up shows at tonyhingeclip.com. Now, a brand new episode of the number one live comedy podcast in the world. This is Kill Tony. ["Kill Tony"] Come on, guys. I don't want to. Hey, this is Redband, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas

for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And indeed it is the best damn band in the land right there. You saw it live in the flesh. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Nachos Belgrande, Cholula Cholupa, Matt Mueling representing the whites on the band with a black wife, little black kids and seven cats.

John Dees on the keys, ladies and gentlemen. John Dees on the keys, ladies and gentlemen. And this beautiful little camper right here on the bass is Dee Madness, live in the flesh. This is indeed Kill Tony, brought to you this week by Bluechew and Nicked Nicotine Pouches. What an amazing episode we have. There's chaos in the room. A guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head.

He's so excited. Before we get started, here's chaos in the room. A guy just broke a beer bottle over his own head. He's so excited. Before we get started, here's a little bit more of the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. The Battle of Ontario is on, and FanDuel's your home for live betting the series with features like live SGPs, build a parlay any game, any period, or stack multiple matchups onto one slip with same game parlay plus.

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Sometimes we have repeat guests, sometimes we have new guests, sometimes we have big famous celebrities, sometimes we have funny motherfuckers. This is one of the latter episodes. This is the debut of both of these guests on panel. Two of the funniest humans in the world. Two guys that I've wanted to get on forever, and it just so happens they're on together here tonight. Make some fucking noise for Chris O'Connor and Tim Butterly. Oh yeah.

Chris O'Connor. Tim Butterly. Oh my God. Chris O'Connor. Tyre season two coming out June 4th. His podcast, Stuff Island. Welcome to the show, Chris. It's good to be here.

Thanks for having me. Absolutely. And Tim Butterly, welcome. That was a very polite response from your audience after all that buildup. Hey guys, I'm Tim. Nice to meet you. Tim Butterly's show, Dad Meet.

He's on tour, timbutterly.com. It is your guys' first time on the show, which is absolutely crazy. I know, it's pretty exciting. I had planned to, like, get a good night's sleep last night, you know, have a quiet Sunday, and instead I got incredibly drunk at the Masters. Yep. I was at the Masters while Rory was making history.

I was laying in the grass farting... laughter 300 yards away from whatever he was doing. My farts got a big roar from the crowd. Hell yeah. Well, you look great. You don't look hungover and inflamed whatsoever. laughter So it's gonna be awesome.

We're happy to have you. Since it's your first time, I should tell you, 275 people signed up for the chance to get on this show tonight. If they get pulled out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know, their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then

or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear. This guy has a tattoo of a spider behind his ear, so I'm gonna let him pick the first one. Right off the top. Look at that. Yeah, looks good to me. And the show shall begin. Uh, to start tonight's show, we have a golden ticket winner making his third-ever appearance on the show.

Can't think of a worse time for that to happen, Deez. Really wasted that one tonight. Leaning on your keyboard, just high and falling asleep as usual. It's kind of crazy at this point. You would think you'd be able to survive five minutes into the episode without doing something absolutely stupid, but there you are.

There you are, high and tired. John Dees, his debut album, High and Tired, coming out soon. Or you could see it live on the show every Monday as he falls asleep, leaning against sound effects on his keyboard. He wears sunglasses because he literally falls asleep during the show. Going up first tonight, the third ever appearance

of a golden ticket winner that we like around here. Let's see how the third minute goes. The comedy styling is one minute uninterrupted. Going to Colin Sledge, everybody. Here we go. -♪ -♪ Okay, thank you.

So when I was in middle school, my Texas history teacher, Mr. Gomez, used to tell us all the time, you don't know how good you have it in America, because back home in Mexico, my family has to jack off horses for money. And I was confused. I was like, where are the horses even getting the money? So...

So my parents want grandkids, right? And I don't really want to give them grandkids, so I thought I'd give them the next best thing, a homemade cream pie video. You know, my parents hate to see me coming. Okay, so I'm in therapy now, right? And my therapist asked me recently if I ever had any homicidal thoughts.

I was like, I ain't gay. You ever say that shit again, I'll fucking kill you. Okay, thanks, y'all. Boom. Colin Sledge. Smart, funny. Such a serious man, Colin. You're having fun. You smiled there. I smiled this time.

You did smile a little bit. Look at you. Adam Ray said I'm pretty when I smile. Adam Ray said that? Yeah, the last time he said that. Absolutely incredible. How's life going for you, Colin? It's been okay. Okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Should I answer more? Should I say tell more about what happened up to, or you want to ask something? Why did your therapist ask you if you're having homicidal thoughts? Oh, that was made up. That was a lie. That's pretty believable.

Pretty fucking believable. Do you see a therapist? Well, my copay went from 50 to 90, so I haven't seen her in the new year. Wow. I emailed her my Kill Tony appearance, though. You did? Yeah, she says it was funny. Okay. All right.

I'm gonna go back soon, probably. Okay, it went from 15 to 90? 50 to 90. 50 to 90. I don't know if you know this, my dear friend Colin Sledge, but the amazing people over at Talkspace, you can talk to a licensed provider typically within 48 hours just by going to talkspace.com slash Tony

and enter the promo code space80 to get $80 off your first month. I love Talkspace. Yeah, thanks Red Band. Thank you. Absolutely, thank you for setting us up for that. Yes, you're welcome. That's good, that's good. I could afford an extra 1,000 of your therapy sessions

because of what I just said. Thank you. Ha ha ha ha. Colin, what goes on in your life? Tell us. You seem like you're built for comedy. You seem like, you know, this is your thing. I can't picture you doing anything else. Do you do anything else?

Well, I still teach piano. You do? You teach piano? Yeah. Aww. That's a murderer's job for sure. Yeah, it is. I got, um... One of my piano family's found out about this. Oh.

The dad who had never said anything other than, like, hello and goodbye was like, golden ticket. Wow. That's pretty cool. Yeah, and then his wife wanted me to demonstrate that I knew how to play piano. Oh, boy. That's tricky for you. We've done that once before. Turns out you get a little nervous.

Yes. I did okay there, though. Was it the husband or wife that was going to bet for you that you could be around the kids and it's okay? Um, it was... It was the wife hired me. Yeah. What was the interview like? Why is that funny? Yeah. What was the interview like? Why is that funny? What?

What was the interview like? Well, they just got on referral. They're like, hey, you teach piano to this other kid and she's good, so you can teach our kids. That was it. Yeah, it was pretty. So nothing in person? No, it was, I mean, I don't remember.

You don't remember? Yeah, it was a while ago. I mean, all piano teachers are probably like that, right? Wouldn't you think so? Yeah, that's creepy. Serial killers. Yeah, it was a while ago. I mean, all piano teachers are probably like that, right? Wouldn't you think so? Yeah, that's creepy. Serial killers. Yeah, creepy as fuck.

I do get a pass for being a little eccentric. That's how I refer to it. That makes sense. Eccentric? Yeah. That makes sense. I guess you could come across as eccentric. Is that the right word?

Yeah, piano tuners are the real serial killers. Ah, very interesting. I did not know that. That's some inside piano stuff. Because they're like piano people, but they can't even deal with other people. They just need to be alone for like, you know, the entire time. Wow. Absolutely incredible. I'm sure the piano people listening to the show are cracking up right now.

Colin, we love you. Great set. There you go. You got it started. The show has begun. And now to the bread and butter of the show. The beautiful, beautiful bucket. Where... Oh, my God. I mean, unbelievable. What a sight for tired, weary eyes. It's the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. All right, back to the bucket, or to the bucket for the first time.

We're gonna meet this person altogether and find out all about their life. Let's meet him. He goes by the name 60 Seconds Uninterrupted, going to Josh Gideon. Josh Gideon. Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Because they got to take the piercing out, right? And when they do, you think it comes out in three like a Bellagio fountain? Is that the logistics? I don't know.

A little bit about myself. I am half Haitian. And y'all heard what Trump said, how we eat pets. I'm also half Korean. So I guess you could say I really got that dog in me. You know what I'm saying? Who knew a Haitian dad and a Korean mom would make a beige Hawaiian punch guy? Who knew that's what it was? I'm over here looking like Crouching Tiger Hidden, nigga.

Fuck it. All right, that's what I appreciate. Okay, Josh Gideon. Welcome, welcome. Hi, Josh. For a second there, I didn't think you could say the N-word, but I guess the half-Haitian allows it, huh? That's right. I'd like to see you get away with that if you were just Korean.

I would have loved it. I would have loved it. It was clean. John Deas, our senior N-word official on the scene. Absolutely incredible. Very Korean to be dropping a word like that. But here you are. How long you been doing stand-up? It was about three years in May.

Where at? I started out in Newport News, Virginia, and just moved out to San Antonio in October. Okay. You were in the middle of Virginia. What do you do for work? Um, I work at a footlocker now. Wow. Perfect. Yeah.

Absolutely. Does he look like a footlocker guy? Does he? You walk into a footlocker, you be like, this guy knows what the fuck he's talking about. Yeah. They walk into Foot Locker, you be like, this guy knows what the fuck he's talking about. Yeah. They cut your hair like that when you join the Army.

Yeah. They pick it out when you get hired at Foot Locker. Right, that's what they do. Wow, so you wear the referee shirt and everything. Yeah, everything the referee does. That makes sense. Half Haitian, half Korean, split, black and white, right down the middle, wearing a referee shirt. That makes sense. Half Haitian, half Korean, split black and white, right down the middle, wearing a referee shirt. That makes sense.

Wow. So you help people find shoes at a foot locker. That's all I do. Are you good at it? I'm all right. I can find shoes in a couple seconds, I guess. Yeah. Is that what you're asking?

Yeah, what would you recommend for a guy like Redvan if he walked in there, if he's like, hey, everybody says I'm fat and ugly and I need two shoes. What would you say to him? I'd recommend some sandals, I guess. I don't know. Oh, wow. Crocs?

I feel like you should get some Crocs. I feel like you would buy those for sure. Wow. You look like you wear sandals. I didn't know you guys had sandals there. OK. What do you do for fun, Josh? Play basketball. Really?

Wow. OK. Basketball and I lift weights starting just now, recently. Just started lifting weights. Just now. And you play basketball. Have you played basketball your whole life? Yeah, basically.

OK. So you play basketball. You say the N-word. Yeah. How about the Korean side of you? Still the N-word? That's right. What do you do that's Korean? Any Korean activities? I take off my shoes when I enter my crib.

Oh. Very good. Is it, I'm guessing your dad is the Haitian and your mom is the Korean, just getting absolutely fucking pounded. It's filled with just a huge Haitian cop. Do you think about that a lot? Do you think about how your mom

is absolutely decimated, Your innocent little Korean mother, just a sweet little lady, just absolutely getting ravaged by your father's Haitian. It's got to be every slow day at Footlocker. It's got to be. It's a mind prison. Do you ever just see...

Are you ever at Footlocker and you see a pair of extra long black socks hanging from the shelf and you're like, God, what my dad has done to my mother's pussy is terrible. Never. I don't. Okay. Wow. My goodness, Josh.

So you live in San Antonio. What made you go from live in San Antonio. What made you go from Virginia to San Antonio? So I got out of the military. I did it four years in the Air Force. Oh, wow. What did you do? Guitar. Wow. Amazing.

You went from the Air Force to Air Force One. This is absolutely amazing. That's right. Absolutely incredible. I didn't realize that. Kept crashing the planes. The Koreans. That's right. Absolutely incredible. I didn't realize that. He kept crashing the planes. The Korean side. That's right. I keep forgetting he's Korean.

Okay. So, what did you do exactly in the Air Force? I painted airplanes. What? Wow. Painted airplanes. I worked on the F-22s. I just painted gray.

Amazing. Amazing. That fucking rules. That's like cool paint, isn't it? I mean... Isn't it like special paint? I mean, there's metals in there, I guess. Fuck yeah. All right.

That's a top-secret paint, I think. That's a cool fucking job. What's your love life like, Josh? You seem like a good-looking guy. Are you Haitian with the ladies, or are you more Korean? You a little shy guy? Yeah, I'm very shy. I'm very Korean, I guess you could say.

Ah, that's where the Korean side comes out. All right. But yeah, I'm single. But I'm not really putting myself out there for real. OK. Well, like, the last date that you went on, like, what was that like? How did you find that person? How'd that go? I haven't really gone on a date like that for real. Okay. Well, like with the last date that you went on, like what was that like? How'd you find that person?

How'd that go? I haven't really gone on a date like that for real. I haven't even gotten a date since high school. Really? When's the last time you kissed a girl? I mean, I fucked. Oh wow, okay. Well, there you go.

There you go. Well, you blew that one, buddy. You could have had a fun time coming your way, but you want to brag about going straight to fucking. I don't date. I just insert my dick right into a woman when I meet her. Absolutely incredible, Josh. I think that's called rape.

That's consent. Wow, you really are Haitian after all. Incredible. Is that a Haitian thing? I don't know. Oh. No, don't do that. No, no, I don't do that. No, I don't want that. This isn't a fucking one-man show. Anything else crazy we should know about you?

No, just chilling. Just doing comedy. What do your parents think about you doing this? They're actually high-key supportive. They're what? They're high-key supportive. High-key? High-key.

High-key? It's know? They're high-key supportive. They're supportive. High-key? High-key. High-key? It's the ancient Korean art of supporting your son. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Start reading the fucking book sometime, Tony. Yeah. Yeah. We are very high-key of you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, selling Nike, we are high-key.

Yeah. There you go, buddy. Congratulations. Welcome. Selling Nike, we are hiking. There you go, buddy. Congratulations. Welcome to Kill Tony. That is your first bucket full of the night, Josh Gideon. And the show shall continue. This podcast is sponsored by ZipRecruiter. According to a recent ZipRecruiter survey,

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because you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home. You can even talk it out in between sessions by sending messages to your therapist. And as a listener of this podcast, you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space80.

To match with the licensed therapist today, go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space80 to get $80 off your first month and show your support for the show. That's Talkspace.com slash tony promo code space eight zero with your second bucket pull and here we go she goes by the name of Audrey Scott everyone 60 seconds uninterrupted going to Audrey Scott. I'm very good at Spanish. Hola. But I can't roll my R's. Unless I'm saying the N-word.

The number's like, oh, my God, she can roll her R's. It's a distraction. I'm gonna be honest with y'all. I don't like child porn. So funny about that, you freak. Right, because every time I watch it, right, every time I shove that flash drive right into my fucking PC to watch my CP, acting's too immature.

Kids are always like, oh, where am I? I'm hungry, grow up. It's show business, baby. How the fuck did you think Bieber made it? He got ushered into the diddying. Baby, baby, baby oil. Diddy did it, hot take. The brand of the baby oil was Johnson & Johnson & Johnson

& Johnson & Johnson & Johnson & Johnson &... That's it. Thank you. Okay, Audrey Scott. Welcome, Audrey. Hi. You look like a half Korean that was in the Air Force.

But surprisingly, I'm guessing you're not the half Korean that was in the Air Force. But surprisingly, I'm guessing you're not the half Korean. No, it sucks, because I'm from Virginia, my dad was Air Force, and that guy just stole my whole thing. Yeah, your whole story. Yeah. Oh my goodness. It sucks, should have kamikaze'd, you know? Wow, there you go.

Hi, Audrey. Hello. Do you need a backup identity? Maybe go for journalist covering a race war? Ha ha ha ha ha. It's my side job. Top 10 side hustles in 2020. Audrey, welcome.

How long have you been doing stand-up? Five and a half years. Five and a half years. Wow, what do you do for work? I bartend at Roscoe's Comedy Club, and I host mics there, and I produce some shows. And then I also make sandwiches during the day, and I do voice acting as well.

Oh, so you make sandwiches during the day. Okay, that's the correct answer. Just had to do a little digging there, get around all the bullshit... They're easy, man. ...that you definitely don't make money doing. And then there we found it right at the end. 12-hour shifts of sandwich making.

I love it. It's less than that. I love it. Okay. In five and a half years, all of it here at Austin? No, I started in Virginia. I started in the mountains. Wow. You really did. It's another Virginia to Texas transfer. That really is incredible that that happened back to back

like that. Yeah. Okay. What's your favorite sandwich to make? It's called a rec. It's a potbelly signature sandwich. You get a portion of salami. Yeah, shout out to potbelly, man. I host a show with them every week. -♪

-♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ It's the best open mic in Austin, you know? Free sandwich on the way. Yeah, it's roast beef, salami, turkey, ham, and then Swiss cheese on top.

It goes pretty hard, actually. Absolutely amazing. Absolutely amazing. Uh, uh, tree. What do you do for fun? Any sauces on there? I've been hula hooping recently. I got a hula hoop at Walmart when I was buying roach poison for roaches in my house because I have roaches in my house.

They're really bad. But the hula hoop's been, like, really helping out. Okay. Yeah. Have you learned any cool tricks yet? Not like the EDM, like, slutty level yet, where I'm like, you know, we're just wearing sequins and shit, but I'm getting, like, an hourglass figure from it.

I just go like this in my backyard. What kind of tricks should she know? You can like throw it and catch it. Yeah, dude, there's a whole fucking show you can do with that thing. Yeah, you can hoop it everywhere. She's still just working on the hips, though, it turns out. I can do the neck and the arm, but now I'm mastering the hips.

So it's a new challenge. Get rid of that thing. Get rid of that thing. It's the worst person at every festival is the hula hoop lady. Why? It's the fucking hula hoop. Dude, it's not. It's a really good exercise.

I don't want to go to the fucking gym and get filmed by an influencer, like, have a sweaty fat person on equipment. Chris is correct here. The hula hooper is one level away from the person with like the ball on the rope that like fucking like... It's just like a side thing. I don't identify as a hula hooper.

That would be weird. That's what I'm saying. You got to get rid of it now. Yeah. Maybe. I'll do pogo stick or unicycle or something. Pogo stick actually is pretty cool. They scare me, man. Pogo stick actually is pretty cool. They scare me, man.

Pogo stick. I've never been mad at someone on a pogo stick. Really? Have you ever seen someone on a pogo stick? Yeah. But I was happy. And maybe it was just a kid or something. Let's talk about the cockroaches, Audrey.

You know, you let the... I didn't cause them, man. There was this bitch named Suzanne who lived in my house before me, and she left, like, a whole fridge of organic food in the house and just left it, and then the house was old. Did she make sandwiches out of it? No. You think I make sandwiches

after getting off work making sandwiches? I would be psychotic. That would just be, I don't hate myself that much. That much. All right, I have a line. I hula hoop, but I don't make sandwiches for myself after I make sandwiches. But she left all this fucking product of like cabbage and like organic steak.

And now there were roaches in the fridge. In the fridge. They were in the fridge. How do they get in the fridge? I don't know. I don't know what's going on. And I spray them all the time. And I live with like a hippie who doesn't want

to like kill everything. And I want to bomb the whole house. And he won't let me. He won't let me. Yeah, it's bad. Ooh. It's so bad. And you know, if a cockroach goes in your ear,

it can't go backwards. So it just goes into your fucking head. Have you had a cockroach go in your ear? You know, I don't know, but it's scary to think about. Heidi, bring out the scope. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha It's bad. It's really bad. If you had to guess how many roaches you see on an average day or night... Oh, my God, it's so bad. I can't go in my kitchen because my room is clean because, believe it or not,

like, my room is actually not a bad place to be in. The kitchen's hell, but... Doubtful. Yeah. I know. That's why I said believe it or not. That's why I prophesied. Have you ever asked or gotten an exterminator in there? I've been begging for one. I've been begging for an exterminator.

You have a landlord? Yeah, but the main roommate, like, or gotten an exterminator in there? I've been begging for one. I've been begging for an exterminator. You have a landlord? Yeah, but the main roommate, he's the one who gate keeps the information to the landlord. I can't just directly talk to Dana for some reason. Is that the landlord's name? That's Dana. Dana's my landlord.

Wow. Dana, help if you're watching. I'm starting to think the hula hoop was like a, was it an olive branch? It's a colting mechanism. I'm just standing outside my kitchen. It's like my you're watching like, was it an olive branch? I'm standing outside my kitchen. My hoop hard enough to leave. You're doing both behavior to get his attention. They're taking over. Yeah, I even tried like I bought these Amazon like they're like, oh, we use like

certain sound frequencies to get rid of them. They just started dancing to the rhythm. I swear to God. Yeah, they just like liked it. They are senior dancing to the rhythm. I swear to God, yeah, they just liked it. They just enjoyed it. Our senior cockroach correspondent, Brian Redband, says that does not work. He would know. There's anybody that has food scattered around his kitchen.

But I would say on average, I see fucking 12. Oh wow. And they're big and small. There's big ones and the tiny ones. Oh wow. I'm going crazy. My God. I'm going insane.

You should see how many live ones you can fit into a sealed envelope and give that to the landlord. Yes! That's a great idea. I don't want to touch, like, I love every other bug. I'm a huge bug fan, but they really, I sprayed one 20 times. It took me 20 times to spray one with poison for it to die. Okay.

Well, Audrey, absolutely incredible. Thanks. Uh... Here's a, uh... Here's a little joke book. You don't want that. Here you go. No. There she goes, Audrey, ladies and gentlemen. On to the next one we go.

On to the next one. go. On to the next one. This looks like an interesting name. Oh, my goodness. There she is, the one and the only Heidi. Look, just making this stage nice, fixing the logo halfway. Halfway fix of the logo, just a few degrees away from a perfect turn of the logo. But she tried, you know what I mean?

Ladies and gentlemen, this looks like a fun name. Make some noise for Neil Rubenstein, everybody. Neil Rubenstein. Ooh. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you.

I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. I'm gonna go ahead and turn it up for you. And you're like, oh, he's afraid of the dark. That's what that is.

I was told I sound like the person. I look like I kidnapped. So... That's okay. I'm doing all right? Okay. I don't mind being a big guy, you know, usually pretty safe, right? Like, I remember one time I was walking in Brooklyn, and this was before Brooklyn was a yoga studio, you know, usually pretty safe, right? Like, I remember one time I was walking in Brooklyn, and this was before Brooklyn was a yoga studio, you know?

So streets were so ruled with crime and gluten. And this dude popped out to mug me, and I was like, nah, man, get the next guy. And he was like, okay, thank you. I just skirted over. I was like, this is mint. Everyone should give this a shot. Oh, all right, cool. You are adorable, Neil Rubenstein.

Is it Rubenstein or Rubenstein? Whatever's comfortable. Okay. I love it. Hmm. That's a good answer. All right. All right. Just spell it right, you know? Yeah. Incredible.

So you're Jewish? Yeah. Yeah. Is that... And you're also a deli. That's incredible, you know, so. Yeah, incredible. So you're Jewish? Yeah, yeah. And you're also a deli. That's incredible that you could be both. You're a Jewish deli, all under a one-stop shop. I don't get that, but all right. It is, because you're filled with food. Oh, yes.

Oh, a very important fact. You truly are a Rubenstein. Yeah, great. You're filled with Rubens, as in the sandwich that the cockroach girl makes during the day. Yes. That was a callback.

Yes, indeed. Thank you. Look at you. Yeah, he's killing it. I love it. Neil, you're very funny. How long have you been doing stand-up? 10 years.

I love it. I could tell. Where at? What the fuck was that? I started in New York and I live here now. Well, I'm staying here now. I don't know if I live here, but we'll see. Okay. How long have you been here?

Since January. Okay. Do you like it? I like the city very much. I liked it as like when I would visit the scene, I liked the scene. But now that I'm like, cause when you're like visiting, they're like, oh, come do my show, come do my show.

And now that I'm here, they're like, fuck you, dude. So, but it's all right. I like it. We like you. Thanks, cool, man. Other people, anyone who does that's just afraid that you're gonna be funnier than them or something like that.

Well, yeah, I like to think that, but who knows, you know. You're adorable. Oh, all right. You're so likable. And how are you doing? All right, all right, no, it's good. Yeah, it's good. All right, cool, cool, cool.

I don't know what to do here. I don't know whether to roast you or snuggle with you, Neil. Little cutie pie. Snuggle. Snuggle. Do you have any dark secrets? I have so many dark secrets. Yeah, let's find out about them. What's the darkest thing about you?

I don't know, man. There's so much. I try to leave that behind, you know? Just trying to fix the things I broke, you know? Like the floor? Furniture. Yeah. Yeah. Mostly patio furniture, yeah. That's my dating profile says, I'll break your lawn furniture, so...

Amazing. And is that Tinder or Grindr? Both. I love it. What do you do for work, Neil? I had been a full-time comedian, but sort of still doing that, but you know, you got to side hustles now. Yeah, what are some of your side hustles?

I just PA, like personal assistant stuff. I used to tour manage bands, so I have like that skill set. So I help out a bigger comic on like some of their scheduling and itineraries and stuff. Very cool. Yeah. So yeah. We like that.

That's cool, Neil. Keep it around, you know? What do you do for fun? You got hobbies? Yeah, I like baseball. What do you like about baseball? I just, I think it's a wonderful sport. I think it's, it involves athleticism and strategy.

Hot dogs. You can't just... Nachos and helmets. And peanuts and cracker jacks. And I don't care if you have baby back ribs. Yeah. I like, I like going to baseball games because I can have someone rub sun block on me. Yeah, absolutely. What?

You a Yankee? Yankees or Mets? Mets. Okay, look at that. You have a Mets tattoo. Yes, sir. Absolutely incredible. I don't think I've You have a Mets tattoo. Yes, sir. Absolutely incredible. I don't think I've met a bigger Mets fan. Bigger in size or in... That's all I know.

I'm not that big. I'm only six foot. I'm actually wearing Mr. Mets head under this shirt right now. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha What are you trying to say? No, I'm saying like there's... I mean, I'm fat. Yeah, yeah, that's what we're talking about. I'm not like using a rascal fat. I still fit in the booth at Applebee's. Like, I'm just a... That's a great... That's a great measurement system.

Yeah. Like, yeah, airplane bathrooms are difficult, but fucking who? Absolutely. Yeah. You have trouble? No, he doesn't. No, I'm not, I'm saying like-

You are three Carlos Sosa's worth of human. Don't look at my band. I was, that's the c- I'm just saying like that's the c- Don't you dare, don't compare yourself to my band. Don't you dare. Over here, Neil. Over here, you son of a bitch. I like them so much, though.

They're great. They really are. I kind of look like I'm Redman back from the future to tell them... to tell... Don't do it. There's still time! Don't do it. Don't do it. Oh, you know how to tickle my heart, Neil Rubenstein.

Redman, that's your looper. You have to kill him. Oh, you know how to tickle my heart, Neil Rubenstein. Redman, that's your looper. You have to kill him. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It is your destiny. Absolutely incredible. Neil is a baseball hat away from being the new co-host of Kill Tony. This is incredible. I couldn't fill those shoes. I'm sorry. Well, we'll find... We know a guy that works at Foot Locker. We'll find out about that.

Neil, tell us more about your life. Oh, man. I don't know. What do you... I don't know what to... I don't know where to start. You've been married? Yeah, married, no kids, raised by wolves. What do you mean raised by wolves? My parents, you know, everyone's got a thing. I played and toured with some rock bands and then... When you say you played with some rock bands, what do you mean? What did you do? I was just in a hardcore band a long time ago.

What did you do? Sing? Play guitar? You sang? Let's play some hardcore music. How many of What do you mean? What did you do? I was just in a hardcore band a long time ago. What'd you do? Sing? Play guitar? Sing. You'd sing? Let's play some hardcore music. How many of you want to hear Neil sing a little bit? No, no way. Oh no, you have to. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four.

Come on, Neil. Look that way, come on. I have a tiny voice. Hold on, all right, stop, stop, stop. I have a tiny little voice now. What are you talking about? Don't pull a fucking Val Kilmer on us right now, motherfuckers. I destroyed my voice.

Did you not always sound like this? No, no, I destroyed my voice. He damaged his vocal cords. Tony, he's technically disabled. Ooh. Get cold. Finally. Can I get one of those little placards for my car? What?

What? The guy's just saying, sing. Sing! Did you miss the whole thing? We just did a thing about not doing that. My goodness. So what happened to your voice exactly? I just screamed a lot, you know, growing up.

So you can't sing anything anymore? I can't really get louder. Like, I can do a little bit of projecting, but I can't like sound cool. You used to sound cool? Maybe. It depends on your... Were you just screaming kind of like... Screaming and shouty. A lot of shouty.

Did you sound like this when you had to quit the band? No, no. Hey, guys. I don't know if I can say about fucking you up anymore. It's been real, guys. Peace out, everybody. I got to hit the bricks. Did the tattoos come before or after you lost your voice?

After. That makes sense. I think I started them. And, I started them, and then... Yeah. I started late, though. I didn't start getting tattooed until, like, early 20s. Right. You got to look scary. What was the name of the big band you were in?

I wasn't in a big... I am on a Taking Back Sunday record, two Taking Back Sunday records. Whoa. But just, like, background screaming. Not, like... I'm not a member. But I the Sunday records. Whoa. But just like background screaming, not like, I'm not a member, but I have a platinum record, which is nice. Okay.

What's that? A platinum record? Yeah, no, I know what a platinum record is, but what is the name of the record? Back before, where you want to be and tell all your friends. Wow. And that's under your name, Neil Rubenstein?

I'm on, I mean, I'm not a member of the band, but I'm on the record. And like, yeah, I mean, if you Google me, yeah, they're up there. A lot of us know Taking Back Sunday. Could you even just maybe give us like a hum of the part that you were on? Yeah.

It's the brand new lyrics. Oh, no. I did that. What do you mean? They were like, this song I did that. What do you mean? They were like, this song is about Jesse... Who the fuck is that? Somebody shut that fucking lady up back there? Jesus, how do I have to say that?

How many times would she have to just be annoying before somebody sends somebody the fuck back there? Jesus fucking Christ, people. That's 17 staff members just fucking watching. Okay. Will someone please mosh that lady right now? Literally begging for it. Spin kick that broad. So annoying.

So what were the lyrics? What is the lyrics? It's have another drink and drive yourself home. I hope there's ice on all the roads. And you can think of me when you forget your seatbelt. And again, when your head goes through the windshield. Let's go, hell yeah. Wow.

A fucking classic. Wow. I was a bad guy. What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Go back to sleep. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha sleep. Ha ha ha.

Red band? You know, I don't have a secret show this week because of Moon Tower, but if you're in town next Thursday, I would love to have you on the secret show. There you go. And you know what else? I am flying to Milwaukee for a show. Wow, look at that. Wow, ever since Minecraft, you have this big ego.

There you go. I'll tell you what, Neil. I'm going to send you upstairs to the Little Boy, and you're going to perform in front of the Booker of this club, at Amiga, with 10 years of experience. We'll see if you can buckle down and give them a good set. You could be a regular old comedian here if you do good. There goes Neil Rubenstein, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, my God.

All right. All right, let's get another bucket pull up here, shall we? All right, we know this young buck. He does work here. Make some noise. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Riley Gilmore, everyone. Riley Gilmore.

The other day, I got a sad ending massage. They jizzed on me, so it was, uh... Just got to, what the fuck, dude? Fucking Groupon. Mom, can you pick me up? Not going back there, but that place sucks. I was thinking about that phrase, thoughts and prayers. It's like, people said after tragedy, they're like, I said any phrase, thoughts and prayers. It's like, people said after tragedy,

they're like, I send you my thoughts and my prayers. I get sending your prayers, that makes sense, but it's like, you want to send your thoughts? Say, yeah, I'm praying for your family. Tits. Um... Thinking about getting a bike. What else?

Uh... Uh... Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Fucking... Might have a lasagna later, but, uh... Dang it. Lasagna titties. That'd be cool, but, uh...

All right, that's it for me, guys. Thank you very much. Wow. An unbelievable minute from Riley Gilmore. Incredible. You've been on this show a few times, right? Oh, yeah, back in the 80s. Hell, yeah. It's been a long time. It has been. It was back in the, what, the Vulcan days, right? Yeah. Yeah.

How's it been going? Dude, chill, bro. I love it. I don't know. I love it. Chill. Fantastic. What else, Riley? Tell us something interesting about you or your life Dude, chill, bro. I love it. I don't know. I love it. Chill. Fantastic. What else, Riley? Tell us something interesting about you or your life that we would find...

I've been gardening. Okay. You guys fuck with that. I don't know. What are you growing over there? Squash. Whoa. Berries, blackberries.

Wow. Absolutely. Yeah, so that's pretty much it. Have you been eating your... I've been eating my... I've been eating my... I've been eating my... I've been eating my... Oh. Berries, blackberries. Wow. Absolutely. Yeah, so that's pretty much it. But have you been eating your? Almost.

They're almost ready. You got to. How big is the squash right now? Hot. That's hot. Yeah. Mind you of anything, it's never. OK.

Yeah. This is a great look for chasing children out of your berry farm. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Psh. I'm trying to keep those kids away. They keep fucking... Oh, man.

Mr. Gilmore's looking through the window. Let's get out of here. Whoa, whoa. Ron, it's old man Gilmore! Ha ha ha ha ha. Yeah. But great set, man Gilmore. Yeah. But great set, man. Thanks.

Yeah. What are you guys up to? That's one of the all-time great moments in this show's history. That is a first. 12 years, hundreds and hundreds of episodes, thousands of different guests and bucket pulls. It is the first time anyone over there has asked us what we're up to. It's the first time for everything, it turns out.

Yeah, fuck yeah. Go with it, man. We're podcasting, we're podcasting, dude. I'm just chilling. Oh, hell yeah. Go with it, man. We're podcasting. We're podcasting, man. I'm just chilling. Oh, hell yeah. I love it. Tell us about being a comedian in Austin. Wow, it's a crazy life, you know. Lots of pussy.

No. No. Basically, I just have to take out the trash after you guys leave. I don't know. I do see you doing that a lot. Yeah, I love it. You are like the trash guy. Do you ask for that? I'm the trash guy around here. Do you ask for that? Yeah no they promoted me. I used to work recycling but uh no I just love it you know I love cleaning um

No, I just love it, you know. I love cleaning. Um... And so, I'll get you later, bro. I got you. Hell, yeah. I used to be a trash guy. I loved being the trash guy. Oh, yeah. Fuck yeah, dude. I would sneak beers out when I was taking the trash out, and I would just drink... Oh, yeah, dude. It's sloppy....by the trash.

It's sloppy, bro. Fucking, you got to squirt it at the end, dude. Get fucked up, smoke a cigarette by the trash. I've never been a trash guy, but I was known as the garbage guy a couple months ago. In the news. Nice. Riley, give us one more crazy fun fact about your life. I can do a good lion impression. Oh, this is very exciting.

Let's get the lighting right. Keno hit us with that single spot. Ladies and gentlemen, we've... This is the first ever time in the show's history where we've had an impression of a lion. Riley is very excited. He has a lion's mane filled with, uh, carrot-topped pubic hair, uh, lining his chin.

There's nobody better to do a lion impression than him. And this is that moment. Riley Gilmore does his lion... lining his chin. There's nobody better to do a lion impression than him. And this is that moment. Riley Gilmore does his lion. Rrp. And this is what it sounds like. Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr This is, uh... Thank you. Thank you very much. It's more of a... more of a snake, perhaps? Darth Vader getting hit in the nuts. Uh, I need to drink more water.

Yeah. It's a very parched lion. Let me... Can I try it again? Yeah. You want... You want this guy's offering some water? Yeah. Yeah, the... No, the stranger in the front row. Thanks, bro.

There it is. It's some fucking $15 water right here. Should be very good. You're not lying. All right, here we go. Oh! Oh, my gosh. This is...

This sounds like fucking Neil Rubenstein adjusting his sleep apnea mask in the middle of the night. I'm not even that big. I mean, I'm not even that big. Here he is doing the lion one more time. Ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen. This is Kil Tony, and this is Riley Gilmore's lion. Oh!

I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. I can't do it. It was so good in the lobby. All right, that's it. This is, man, he had it right up until the lion impression. God damn it. Fuck. I think we got to sanitize that microphone. Yeah.

This guy lost his lion voice. What lyrics did you write for Taking Back Sunday? All right, let me try to say it. I'll do an owl. Okay, all right. You know what happens here. Ladies and gentlemen, if your lion ain't working, go with the owl. We've never had this before. Hundreds of episodes. Tens of Hundreds of episodes.

Tens of thousands of hours. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first ever owl impression in Killtony history. Brace yourselves for the owl of Riley Gilmore. Wow. We're getting word. We are up for the first ever podcast, Emmy. Unbelievable. Yeah. Riley, I'd love to have you on the secret show next week. Thanks, bro. You have one of these.

You already got one. Yeah. There you go. Riley Gilmore. Wow. How much fun are we having tonight? This is a fun episode. Hello, this podcast is sponsored by Voodoo Ranger Mini Rippers. Guess what? The best beer on the market just got a whole lot better.

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Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a long time since he's been on the show. Here to grace us with a new minute, Kil Tony Legend, Kil Tony Legendary Regular. Make some goddamn noise, sing it if you know the words. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. This is Hans Kim. Hey.

What's up? It's good to be here. Thank you, sir. I am Hans Kim. That's fine. And, uh, I am Asian, or as I'm known in Texas, I'm Chinese. So there will be a 145% tariff added to your bill tonight. Mm-hmm. Take a good look at this shirt.

You're gonna have to make it soon. Love seeing Trump do optional side quests for no reason. audience laughter It's like watching a cat play Oregon Trail. Trying to get a mineral deal out of your crane. What is this guy, Cam Patterson? audience laughter I'm not retarded, but I want your ox.

audience laughter I'm not retarded, but I want your rocks. I blame the Democrats? Why would you send a woman out against Trump? This guy grabs women by the pussy. He's got a finishing move. He's 2-0 against women right now. He's the best transgender athlete we have. All right, that's my time. Thank you very much. That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim.

That was Hans Kim. That was Hans Kim. Hell yeah, Hans, welcome back. Thank you, Tony. A fantastic set. Good to be back. Everybody loved it. Absolutely amazing. One of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show. Look at the way that you look at me.

Look how just perfect you are. You're focused. You're ready for anything. Let's check in with the panel here. Chris O'Connor, what do you think about him? I was just gonna say, it's hard to see. It's hard to see the way he looks at you. It is incredible. I was just gonna say, it's hard to see. It's hard to see the way he looks at you. It is incredible.

He looks like he's in round 15 of one of those old boxing matches. His eyes are swollen shut. It is absolutely incredible. It looks like he's wearing, like, racist disguise glasses. That's nuts. That's nuts. Hans, catch us up.

How's life been going for you? It's been going pretty good. Yeah? Yeah, good to be back, you fuckers. Whoa, geez, got a little attitude to him. Don't know if I like that. No, I'm just kidding. We know.

Tell us about your life, Hans. It's been a while since you've been on fantastic material. It's been great. Been domesticated. on fantastic material. It's been great. Been domesticated. Yes. I have a cat stroller now. You have a what? I have a stroller for my two cats.

Oh, my God. That is incredible. Raising them like veal. Yeah, exactly. How long? I didn't even know you had cats. Yeah, my girlfriend, she has a couple friends that can't take care of the cats, so they gave them to her. So you have just formerly owned cats?

Yeah, used cats. Used cats. Just sloppy seconds. Just beat up pussy. Are they nice? Are they nice cats? They're very nice. They're great cats. One's fat and old. It's like a dog. It's kind of dumb. Oh, yeah. I can see. It's like us. It's like us, right, man?

One's fat and old. The other one gazed, fuck. Red band, you got me. Wow. Boom. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one.

I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. I don't know if I'll ever recover from that one. Ha ha ha ha. Ah. Ouch. Ouch. Red band giving thumbs up to the photographer. It's an incredible moment.

Troy Conrad, world famous comedy photographer, right there in the moment. Ha ha ha ha ha. Red band's magic moment. All right, Hans, catch us up with what else has been going on. You have a cat stroller. So you walk your cats.

Yeah, they hate it. Why do you do that? It seems like they wouldn't like that. They're house cats, right? Yeah, but it's like every creature dreams of freedom. And it's like you're taking them out in a rolling prison, though. They can't get out.

So, Connor, what do you think about this? It's fucking psychotic. Walking cats in a cage. Also, what if someone sees you? It's the gayest shit in the world. Are you at all worried about your reputation? The paparazzi saying, we got Hans TMZ,

and we got Hans Kim walking two cats down 6th Street. I feel like that's content, you know? It's like, you know? Breaking news. This is up there with the hula hoop in the back. Yeah. It is incredible. Breaking news. This is up there with the hula hoop in the... Yeah. It is incredible.

Perhaps you can let the hula hoop girl borrow your cats and they can chase down the hundreds of cockroaches that she has. Hans, anything else we should know about you before moving on? I hung out with Heath yesterday. We got drunk, Heath Cortez. We love Heath Cortes around here. Fresh off of playing Elon Musk's son on the Netflix, Kel Tony.

Yeah, he drinks a lot of alcohol. He does. This is not a joke. That little shit fucking pounds him down. It was jello shots last night, which is weird, doing jello shots with someone that looks like a child? Yeah. It is.

It is crazy. He's a fun guy to drink with though, and he does. He fucking throws him back. It doesn't make much sense, but the boy can drink. He's a good guy. He's a good guy. Yeah, I put him in a Waymo, which is cool. No driver?

Also not a good look. You know. You know. You know. You know. So he got trashed, and you just put him in the back of a driverless car? Yeah.

Did you select the destination of that car? Yeah. I controlled it the whole time. Wow. That is frightening. And there wasn't enough room in the cat stroller? Ha ha ha ha! Wow. Tim Butterly.

I love it. Hans, you did it again. Fantastic fucking set. Fantastic goddamn interview. One of the legends of the Kill Tony universe, Hans Kim. Back to the bucket we go. You know, Hans was found out of the bucket. All of our regulars were once discovered out of the bucket.

And your next comedian could be the next big discovery. Anything can happen. Back to the bucket we go. It's a one-word name. Make some noise for Poncho, everybody. I do believe it's the Kill Tony debut of Poncho. -♪ You know what's the worst time to be a f***?

-♪ When you're hiding it from your wife and kids. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! That's all you get for free.

Thank you. That's all you get for free. Thank you. That's all you get for free. Thank you. That's all you get for free. Thank you. Poncho, you have 34 seconds left. You're killing. All right, all right, all right. If you're gonna cheat on me, cheat on me with a lesbian. You know why?

That way I know you've really never got penetrated by a big, veiny, real dick. Y'all were just playing with dildos and licking each other. Yeah, I should have ended early. No, no, no, you still have ten seconds. Pancho, do another joke, Pancho. What's going on? Do you know what show you're at? Jesus, Pancho. What kind of Mexican named Pancho tries to do one third of the necessary work and then leave? What the fuck is going on here, Pancho?

I'm doing this for free! This is free! This is what you get for free! Yeah. Even if I was paying people to get pulled out of the bucket, I wouldn't give you anything right now. True. Okay, Pancho, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up?

Three and a half years. Three and a half years, and you literally have 20 hot seconds of material. Where were these three and a half years at? L.A. And I actually performed part of my minute in front of you when you were in Ontario. You brought me up, I was one of the people on the stage and you're like, I can't believe you thought this was gonna work. And then everyone laughed. And then I don't remember this. Yeah, I'll show

him. You asked me like, Hey, what do you do for work? And I'm like, I do comedy. And you just laughed at me. You remember that? Yeah. And you gave me a minute and I fucked it up. At the end of the show, I gave you a minute. Thank you for that. Yeah, that was bad then. I remember now, Poncho. This was many years ago, right? Like two years ago.

It couldn't have been two years ago. I remember the Ontario improv. Ontario or the other one? Brea or Brea. My bad. Okay, it doesn't really matter. Doesn't matter. Let's talk about a poncho. What do you do for work? Valet.

You're a real valet guy. In Long Beach. In Long Beach. I'm from LA. Okay. So, what's your favorite car to valet? Driving the cars rough. I love to do that. Yeah, don't valet your cars,

because you get a Mexican like me to do it. And I don't care about my job, so... Oh, Poncho. Oh, oh, Finn. Oh! Hey! Poncho, Poncho, Tim. What's the nicest car you've ever taken a joyride in?

That's a good question. Uh, Lamborghini Urus. Oh my god. You drove somebody's fucking Lamborghini? Yeah, and then I figured out it was just an Audi. It just feels like an Audi. So I would prefer an Audi R8. You know, like an RS? Wow. Yeah, over...

And what are you driving in real life? A Toyota Solara. 2005! Shit's clean. Clean title. It's just like an Audi. No, no, no, don't compare it. If it was up to Trump, you'd be Audi Dutontri.

Ah ha! So stupid. I just came from Mexico. I actually visited Mexico. You did? The Mexicans that are gonna get deported, they're gonna be all right, bro. Mexico's awesome.

Okay, what'd you stay at a resort somewhere? No! What did you win, an all-inclusive vacation? You're like, this isn't bad at all. I went to the rancho, I went to the rancho to go visit my family. My mom's from Tepec Nayarit. Oh, nobody.

Tepec Nayarit. I hate when they switch like that. Yeah. Doing that fucking avatar talk. Mexico, shut up. My mother's from Uruuuuevos Rancheros. Where's your mother from? Tepe, Nayarit. Wow. It's close to, uh, it's close to Puerto Vallarta.

Ah, Puerto'm lazy. Not his work ethic, says Michael Gonzalez. Yeah, I'm really lazy. I'm really lazy. Michael throwing his own people under la autobus. Ah! Um, okay.

What else, Poncho? Why do you go by the name Poncho? Because so people won't confuse me with Arabians or like any other brown. You think people would think you're Arabian? They do think I'm Arabian. They think I'm hairy or something. It's probably the laziness. So I say Poncho so people will be like,

oh, no, he's... The only time people would think you're Arabian is if they see you joyriding around in a Lamborghini. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Pancho, here you go, buddy. Here's a little joke book.

Oh, my goodness gracious. Oh, and he gives the crowd the finger. Pancho, Pancho with a complete heel turn. Oh my God. Pancho turning on the crowd. Heidi is here to fix it. Oh my goodness. And then a hero comes along.

Pancho leaving with double birds. Double Mexican birds. For free. Absolutely. Absolutely incredible. All right. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when Kill Tony started,

it seemed like we had to figure it out all on our own. Between setting things up, filming, the schedule, logos, who to keep in the show, what to do, how to work it, what do we do with the bucket people, all these things. It was overwhelming. And Everyday seemed to introduce a new decision that needed an answer. When you're starting off with something new, it seems like your to-do list keeps growing every day with new tasks. And that list can begin to overrun your life.

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and start selling today at Shopify.com slash Kiltony. Go to Shopify.com slash Kiltony. Shopify.com slash Kiltony. Go to Shopify.com slash Kiltoni. Shopify.com slash Kiltoni. This podcast is sponsored by PrizePix. Cash in on the basketball playoffs with PrizePix. Don't miss your last chance to add your favorite players from the court to your PrizePix lineup, whether it's points, rebounds, or assists.

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the best place to cash in on your favorite sports. Oh, Red Band. Tony, I love PrizePicks almost as much as I love freaking playoffs. This week on PrizePicks, I'm selecting Luka Donichik for more than 28 points and Jason Tatum for more than eight rebounds. Wow, Red Band, that is a superb lineup. You've really been studying up on basketball.

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everyone. Jordan Pablo. We're having fun here today from Pancho to Pablo. Hello guys. I couldn't tell my ex-girlfriend what I was into in the bedroom, because then none of her friends would wear open-toed shoes around me. I, uh, I've been in the closet for a long time

about my foot fetish because I was smelling all the shoes. Uh, yeah, uh, I don't know what you guys are trying to do when you meet the right lady. I'm just trying to get off on the right foot. I don't know. Even when I get with a girl, I don't even know what to fucking do.

I was with this girl the other day. She's like, choke me, choke me. I'm like, is it that bad? She's like, no, I've been bad. I was like, no, you were great. Thank you guys. I was like, no, you were great. Thank you, guys. Okay, 48 seconds of Jordan Pablo.

Jordan, welcome to the show. Is this your first time here? Yes, sir. How long have you been on stand-up? Five-ish years. Five-ish years. Where at? Colorado.

What do you do for work? Waiter. Back there. Now I have no job. DoorDash. Okay. Yeah.? Waiter, back there, now I have no job, door dash. Okay. Yeah. You're a waiter back there, now you have no job, door dash.

So you live here now? Trying to put this together in order. That's a weird answer. Yes sir, yes sir. Okay, you live here. Yeah, I just moved here. How long have you lived here? A week.

Okay, a week. All right. What have you seen about the city? What do you know? What would have you seen? I don't know if you're interested in a valet job I don't know I did acid Wednesday, and I went to the little room over there, and I was talking just like you I had no idea what I was fucking doing Wow I had no idea what I was fucking doing. Oh. Oh. Wow. Wow.

Well, that's the end of your career. No, no, no. All right. Jordan, what do you do for fun? I like to go see concerts, comedy shows, LSD. Sometimes I try to talk to... Footbucker. Footbucker. Footbucker.

Are you really into feet as much as you've implied? No, I... That's crazy. You noticed that. Like, I only, like... No, I, like, I just want to give my girlfriend a massage after a long day. My algorithm shows me a lot of them. But other than that, I'm kind of... but I'm kind of I don't like I just

like that they're not in defeat but your algorithm showing you a lot of feet because I staring at the pictures of feet and liking them and messaging yeah I don't know I like them but like it's hard to admit that to any girls. So I ease my way into it. I tiptoe into it. Oh, gross. Okay. All right. What else about you, Jordan?

Any hobbies or anything interesting? My parents own cattle in the ranch in Mexico. Are you Mexican? I'm Mexican, yeah. Okay. I speak Spanish and everything. Okay. What'd you think of the last guy?

Yeah, that's my cousin, yeah. Okay, Jordan. So you're door dashing. How's door dashing going in Austin? Horrible. Like the pen is like just like way off. I fucking never know which apartment number to go to. The building numbers are just all blah compared to Colorado.

Really? Yeah, I think, I don't know. They're not in like order here? A weird order. I don't know. That I don't understand. Really? Yeah. Okay. That's interesting.

You find this to be a thing? Are you doing it downtown? You're DoorDashing downtown? No, a frickin' Northside. A lot of stuff like that. In Pflugerville? Yeah, Pflugerville. Whoa.

That'd be on my Nest Cam, yeah. Yeah. Oh, OK. OK, it's Red Band that you've been delivered. He's the Duke of DoorDash. I love it. Jordan, what's your love life like in real life? Oh, it's kind of bad.

I just like, I cling to girls. I like, I find a girl and if she likes me, I pretend I love her and then I just, girls. I find a girl, and if she likes me, I pretend I love her, and then I just... Yeah. Wow. Yeah, it's kind of... I'm a coward. I don't know how to admit what I actually like. I don't know how to, like... I'm afraid of conflict. It's a dumb thing. Yeah.

What's the furthest you've gone out of your comfort zone for these women? Good question. Uh, I don't know. When I was 14 in Mexico, like, uh... Ooh. What? Were you in preto for later? It was a quinceanera, and like,

my cousins were like egging me on. They're like, you gotta make the band dedicate a song to her. And I was like, can you do that? And I just met this girl, and they're like, he loves you very much. And then they played like a really dirty like sex song. It was super weird. Yeah, that's the best I've done. Wow.

Yeah. Absolutely incredible, Jordan. What's the last thing you do before you go to bed at night? Smoke weed. Really? Yeah. Smoke weed and talk to you. Or no, watch, watch.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. and talk to you, or no, watch, watch. -♪ Buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing, buzzing Yeah. Yeah. He loves cock. Yeah. You ever tell these girls about your foot thing? No. No. I just, I watch you.

I'm a huge fan. I watch TikTok. That's my last thing I do, yeah. So you fall asleep watching this show. Yeah, yeah. Adorable. Adorable. You should have lied about that.

That's what you should have lied about. Makes my dick hard, man. Incredible. Do your parents support you doing comedy? They do. They haven't heard a lot of my jokes, though. Really? How old are you? 25. 25? Okay.

Well, there you go. You're right on pace, Jordan. Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. 25. Okay. Well, there you go. You're right on pace, Jordan. Here's a little joke book for you. There you go. Congratulations. On to the next one. We go. Ooh, some Mexican music. They like Jordan. That means the band likes Jordan Pablo. Notice Pancho did not get that kind of treatment. All right. Your next comedian goes by the name of Gordon Dixon, everyone. Gordon Dixon.

["Gordon Dixon"] ["Gordon Dixon"] Make some fucking noise, Austin. Let's go! Florida is in the... I just moved here from Florida. Anybody from Florida in here? There's three people in here that can't read.

That's what we... I took a girl on a date yesterday. She got a T-bone steak. I ordered a filet mcniggin. That's how I knew. She's all, you're from Florida. I said, bitch, you racist. Anyways, Austin's weird.

I've been here a year now. I just found out that my roommates were swingers. That's awkward. Yeah, I found out the hard way. I woke up to them having sex on top of me, that's not... That whole room smelled like booty hole and corn chips, I knew. But I'm single, so of course I fucked, you know what I mean? I fucked.

Raw, too, I didn't give a fuck. That is what you do when you have old people with dementia. That's what you do, you fuck old people. And after I came to my senses, I was like, listen, Mom and Dad, y'all got to get out of here, all right? Out of here, out of here. That is what you do when you have old people with dementia. That's what you do. You fuck old people. And after I came to my senses, I was like, listen, mom and dad, y'all gotta get out of here. All right, that is... I don't think I could get better than that.

That's my time. I'm Gordon Dixon, yo. Wow. Gordon Dixon. Fucking his own mother and father. When in Florida? When in Florida. That is wild. Florida man fucks parents. Gordon, welcome to the show. How long have you been doing comedy?

Almost six years now, in July. Six years. Where at? Florida. Boy, that's a state. Tampa. I started in Tampa. Tampa. Side splitters. You still live there? No, no, I live here now. Okay,ters, started with the side splitters. You still live there?

No, no, I live here now. Okay, how long have you lived here? About a year now. What do you love about Austin, Texas? Everything, it's fucking crazy out here, I love it. Everyone's on some shit, so I'm on shit too now. I do edibles now, it's a good time. Okay, everyone's on some shit.

Everyone is on something. Okay, what do you do for work? I work at Shakespeare's, the bar over next door. I'm a door guy, bartender, yeah. Amazing. Hell yeah, hell yeah. Come see me. Okay, what do you do for fun, Gordon, other than edibles?

Other than, oh fuck, I like karaoke. I'm a karaoke guy. Really? I'm a boy singing, but I like karaoke. Okay, what's your go-to song? Oh fuck, my go-to song is Get Low by Flo Rida and T-Pain. It's nothing better than a girl with apple-bottom jeans

with a booty, that's what I'm saying. There's a lot of dudes in the front, but there's some girls in the ass here, I know it. I know it. There's at least three, the ones from Florida. I know they got ass. Can you do a line from this song for us? I can't, I can't.

Shorty had them apple- GGs boost with the fur. The whole club will look at her. She hit the floor. Next thing you know, Shorty got low, low, low, low, low, low, low, yeah. Perfect. Just out of tuning up for us to not set off the algorithm on YouTube that will dock the entire payment of the episode and give it to T-Pain.

Hell, yeah. Gotta love T-Pain. Florida Pain, baby, Florida Pain. Tyler Henson. What up? Okay. What do you miss most about Florida? The beaches. I miss the beaches. Y'all, I got nothing out here. This shit is terrible out here for water. What did you like to do at the beaches?

I like to just be on the beach. I'm 40, so I like to watch people. I'm a creepy old 40-year-old. I'm a creepy old 40 year old. I'll just be, yeah girl. Especially when they got a thong in their ass, I'll be like, yeah girl, 20 years ago, fuck you. Now I just beat off to the memory. I'm like, yeah, bitch.

This is wild. Absolutely wild. I love it. Incredible. Tim. I'm not a watch guy. Is that a very nice watch he's wearing? That is a watch off of Amazon that looks like a very nice watch.

Am I right? Air file. Air file. Yeah, it's a fake shot. It's a fake shot. It's F-shot. That's what they call it. Yeah, it cost me $10.

Fuck all y'all. This shit look good. He thought it was real. I just want white people to think I have some real shit. That's all I want. Yeah. No, I knew the second you came out here was the first thing I noticed.

I'm like, look at that fake ass watch, probably from Florida. And there he goes, I'm from Florida, what's up? It is. Straight into it. Cam sold me it when I met him in Orlando. Cam was like, I got a watch for you. You want a watch?

I was like, I'll take it. Nah, he didn't sell you that. Gordon, what's the craziest thing you've seen over at Shakespeare's right next door here? Sixth Street is crazy. This is famously 36. This is insanity all the time. I think a black blind guy is the craziest thing I've

saw. No, I saw a homeless dude jerk off for 30 minutes outside. 30 minutes? Outside of mothership, by the way. And I had to, yeah, jerked off. I was looking at him because I didn't know what the fuck he was doing. And he was jerking off and looking at me. And we made eye contact and came together. That's how I knew this is Austin.

Just lying to the people seeing you look at him? Yeah, yeah. Why are you looking over there? I just can't tell what he's doing. It's crazy that a guy is horny enough to jerk off on 6th Street, yet not horny enough to come in under 30 minutes. I know.

And I was watching him too. I feel like my eyes are good enough for you to come whenever I watch you. That's great. Well, I mean. What was the last five minutes of that like? It was ecstasy, because my edible kicked in. Were you hopeful?

Were you kind of like rooting for him to not finish I was hard as shit, so we were having fun together. No, but seriously did he come did you see him? I don't know. I called the cops right now. I was like that's that's crazy. It's for the missy's man You have to stick a minute like that. That's crazy 30 minutes into it. You're I should probably call it It wasn't 30 minutes it was was like 25. But after that, it was like, yeah, yeah, dude. That's enough, bro. Wow.

You got this, big bro! I was like, you call that a dick? I was like, let me show you a real dick. Come on, I'm black when there were current counts. Checked in at the 10-minute mark. He said, come on, dude, finish. And he was still going. The cops came before he did. No, he said, come on, dude, finish.

And he was still going. The cops came before he did. He stopped for the cops. He saw the cops coming. He was like, oh, let me put it away. I was like, oh, I'm miserable now. Wow. I miss him.

He was a good guy. Incredible. And if you had to describe this guy, what exactly did he look like, the guy masturbating? He didn't have that hat on, but I'm sure he had that tattoo right there. He definitely had that tattoo. That's right. That's him. All right.

If you want to do the secret show, I'm like, yeah, keep going, Redman. I'll do it then. I love you. I love you, Redman. I've been in your green room. Don't kick me out the next time you see me. No, we like you, Gordon.

Thank you. You're a good guy. What ethnicity are you? My dad is African and German, and my mother is Cape Verdean, which is an African and Portuguese mix. So I'm white and white, black and white, black and white, black and white. Black and white. I'm a white, I'm a white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white,

white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, white, I'm half of you and half of him. If you two white, I'm a white, white dick, so. I'm half of you and half of him. Where it is, if you two fuck, I'll come out. That's what happens. What do you think is the whitest thing about you? My name, Gordon. That is the whitest thing about me.

What do you think is the blackest thing about you? Definitely my credit score. It is 69, so. Wow. Oh, fuck. I will fuck my credit score. Here you go, Gordon. Thanks for swinging by.

There you go. Oh, Jesus. That's the whitest thing about it. That's the whitest part about you. The catching ability of Gordon Dixon. We're having fun here tonight. We are blasting through this episode. Everything is running very smoothly.

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Here we go. We still having fun out there? Yeah! Austin, what is up? How you doing? Woo! Hell yeah, man. So I've been married for 12 years.

So I'm ready to start dating again. Uh... Mm... I want to know what love is, you know? No, my wife's my best friend. There's nothing sad about that. Uh... But she makes jokes, too.

She has jokes of her own, too. You know, like, anytime she's feeling her age, feeling. But she makes jokes, too. She has jokes of her own, too. You know, like, anytime she's feeling her age, feeling old, she's like, oh, just trade me in already, you know? Just trade me in for a newer model, like she's a car, right? And I love my wife. I would never trade her in. I do want to get a rental, though.

You know? Something fun, something new to me. Maybe something yellow. A lot of people don't get that joke, man. I had one lady yell out, What about a blue one? He's like, How do you know I like choking bitches? All right. One lady yelled out, what about a blue one?

He's like, how do you know I like choking bitches? Fuck yes. Patrick Christopher. Hell yeah, thumbs up to the band. Patrick, welcome. Chris O'Connor, what do you think about this guy? Patrick Christopher, I did not expect you to walk out. Yeah. Yeah, dude, I get a lot of gigs that way.

Sometimes I think they're getting a black guy. I was like, well, I say it. All right. I love it. You're funny. How long you been doing standup? Seven years. Seven years.

Where at? San Antonio. Okay. Yeah. Actually, do y'all remember? I did Kill Tony like seven years ago. No, I don't remember that. Red Band Nose, we had a moment.

You guys remember each other? Would you guys eat food together? That's what I'm saying. Eat food together? What's your name? Would you guys eat food together? Roast God, Tony Hinge. Wouldn't you guys eat? Yeah. Writer of 13 Comedy Central Roasts.

What did you eat? All right. Patrick, what do you do for work? I work for a medical clinic. Uh, I do insurance. Uh, yeah. Uh, that's a lie. No, no, no, that's very true. It's very sad.

Uh, because I was doing comedy full-time and then I had to get a real job, so... That's okay. That makes sense. That makes sense. Your wife is also Latino? Yes, Latina, yes. What does she do? She's a server. Okay, yep, she's a Latina.

All right, and you have kids? No kids. No kids? Let me ask you something, because this is a fucking anomaly. How do two married-for-12-years Latinos not have kids? I got her fixed after we got married. Oh, okay. Married for 12 years, Latinos not have kids. I got her fixed after we got married. Oh, okay.

You got her fixed or you got fixed? No, I got her fixed. Oh my goodness gracious, look at that. What? She had cancer, we had to deal with it. Really? Don't fucking back up now, bitch. No.

12 years in remission. Hell yeah. Whoo! Zero kids. Zero kids. So she had, what, ovarian cancer or something? Yeah, yeah. Okay, was that tough to go through? How long were you not allowed to fuck her for?

It's been 12 years. Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Whoo! Whoo! It's been 12 years. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. You're a funny guy, Patrick. Thank you, man.

Yeah. My goodness gracious. What do you like to do for fun? When I'm not doing comedy, I play drums. No fucking way. No way. What do you like to do for fun? When I'm not doing comedy, I play drums. No fucking way. No way. A Mexican that plays drums and is funny,

this is a Mexican drama. You guys know how this works. Patrick does about a 20 to 30 or so solo. If the audience decides that his solo is better than Michael Gonzalez's solo, then my friends, Patrick Christopher will have to move from San Antonio to Austin to be the full-time drummer of Killiltoni. If Michael Gonzalez loses, he will have to move to San Antonio and fuck the barren vagina of Patrick Christopher's wife. Anything can happen. This is Kiltoni and this is the Mexican Drum Op and this is Patrick Christopher.

["Patrick Christopher's Drum Op"] Wow. Wow. The guy's got absolute... Heavy on the drums head. Yeah. A lot of pent-up fucking energy and testosterone. Patrick, get back out here. John D said, come out here and watch this ass whoopin'. The band all fucking backs each other up. We get to hear a lot of fun stuff

that you guys don't always get to hear. I mean, I mean, I mean, I mean, John D said, come out here and watch this ass whoopin'. The band all fuckin' backs each other up. I get to hear, we get to hear a lot of fun stuff that you guys don't always get to hear. They defend each other. Patrick, that was a fantastic drum solo. But now, the all-time undefeated, all-time Mexican drum-off, reigning, defending champion of Killtoni,

this is Michael Gonzalez. Mexican Drum Off reigning defending champion of Kiltoni. This is Michael Gonzalez. Wow. Wow. Wow. We'll be wet back after these messages. All right. Come on. All right, how many of you have Patrick Christopher winning this Mexican Drum Off? All right. How many of you have Michael Gonzalez winning? All right. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Patrick, get back up there.

No doubt about it. How do you feel right now, Patrick? Out of breath, dude. I'm fucking out of shape, man. Patrick, get back up there. No way! Yeah. How do you feel right now, Patrick? Out of breath, dude. I'm fucking out of shape, man. I said I play drums. I don't play drums currently. It's fucking... Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You're a funny guy, Patrick. You know, I've never done this. I've never done this twice in one night, but seven years of comedy,

everything you've done has been funny. I'm gonna send you up to have Adam E. get a look at you as well. You're going straight up to do a spot in front of the Booker of the mothership right now. Right now? Right now. And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show next week.

And here's the big joke book. Right now? Right now. And I'd love to have you on The Secret Show next week. And here's the big joke bug. Patrick Christopher, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. What a fucking episode this is. Also, can you put in a good word with Adam for me when you get up there? when you get up there? -♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Genevieve. Hello. I had sex with my first goth girl recently. That was pretty cool. I could tell she was goth because when she took a shit on my chest, the shit had a piercing.

She told me she didn't think cum was good for your skin. Can you believe that? I told her, no, I know that cum is good for your skin. Because my belly button is glowing. Oh! Look at this shit, bitch! Take a look, fucking idiot! All right, just kidding.

Uh, I do, uh, I do mass shootings. Uh... Uh, I do, uh, I do mass shootings, uh... But it's, uh, with a T-shirt gun. I'm the mascot for Texas State. You gonna give it up here? But when you open the T-shirt, it says, don't come to school tomorrow. All right.

I like how Michael Jackson said, it didn't matter if you're black or white, and then decided. Uh... Pfft. Wow. Ray Genevieve. My God.

Unbelievable. Fantastic. You've been on this show before, right, Ray? Yeah, it's been a couple years. Yeah, you're much better now. Yeah, thank you. You've been on this show before, right, Ray? Yeah, it's been a couple years. Yeah, you're much better now. Yeah, thank you. You've been working hard.

How long have you been on stand-up? Almost four years now. Four years. All of it here in Texas? All of it in Texas, yeah. Yeah. Is this where you were born and raised? I was actually born in New York. Wow. That makes sense. Wow, says an absolutely retarded woman in the middle of the crowd.

Her mind is completely blown at the fact that you could be from one of the most populous places in the United States of America. He doesn't even look that gay. You do have some wacky eyes, do you, Ray? I'm guessing upstate New York? Uh, an hour north, yes. Yes, you have dark, frightening eyes, Ray. Yes, yeah, yeah.

Beautiful belly button, but frightening eyes. What do you do for work, Ray? I'm sorry? What do you do for work? I work at the Sunset Strip. Okay. Wow. Look at, oh, look at this. Look at the CEO over here the boss man.

The proud boss Brian Redpan. I do a I do AV there and then I'm also an AV contractor like I do contract work. I work very hard. Yes, it takes a lot of work. Okay. What's it like working for Brian Redban? A lot of people say he's one of the nicest bosses, that he brings his extra doughnuts and stuff. He's great, yeah.

My main positive feeling is that after a secret show I get to steal goodies and weed drinks, so that's nice. There you go. I don't think he, by the looks of his face, he didn't know that you were doing that. Looks as though. Give him four weeks off. All right.

I'm fucked, holy shit. I'm fucked. I'm gonna lose my job. Ray, what do you like to do for fun looking absolutely frightening? Uh... Let's see, uh... Right now, I'm trying to learn Spanish really hard. Is that lame?

No, no, it's good. What do you know so far? Uh, just the basics. I can't really even communicate. It's taking a lot... We just thought it would be more like letting people shit on your chest. Yeah, I only know those words. What do you know how to say?

I could say like, ah, fuck. I was trying to talk to people in the fucking lair over there about just like... Shakespeare's. Shakespeare's. Yeah. Doesn't know English that well. I was just trying to talk to them about that I went to...

I was in Cuba for a couple of weeks, a long time ago, and that's the one phrase that I know how to talk about is like, oh, I was in Cuba a long time ago. And then they're like, yeah, really? And then they start speaking to me in Spanish. And then I'm like, all I do is like, I just. Yeah. Oh, I see. I do the Chinese eyes or whatever. So absolutely nothing.

You know how to say nothing in Spanish. Yeah, yeah. The answer to the question from two and a half minutes ago. You know what's funny? I never met a Duolingo dropout before. I do Duolingo obsessively, but also, like, I'm pretty good at listening to it because I listen to...

I like listening to... I listen to, like, Tom Sager and Espanol over and over again, the same episodes, just to, to like learn. And that's mainly what I do. So I can't really speak, but I can like understand when they're talking shit about me and lying at a food truck, you know?

Right. Yeah. Right. Anyways. How do you say the guy with creepy eyes ordered multiple tacos? Nothing. What's your love life like, Ray?

What do you stare at? Nothing right now. Working on finding someone to stare at. It's been a couple months, yeah? Yeah. Like a date. Like what's the last date you went on? Like how does that go down?

Are you on the apps? I am on the apps. I'm on Hinge. I'm a big hit on that fucking thing. What does that go down? Are you on the apps? I am on the apps. I'm on a hinge. I'm a big hit on that fucking thing. What does your bio say? Does your bio say that you work at Sunset Strip? No, I try and pretend I'm not a comedian because I mostly hook up with liberal chicks that think I'm...

They think I'm a white supremacist. If I'm even a mile within, if I'm even remotely close to this place. So I lie the whole time. I'm even a mile within. If I'm even remotely close to this place. So I lie the whole time. I talk about Palestine and art. I know how to, I really know how to con them into fucking me and then I go back to, I lie about shit.

He's using pussy cheat codes. I talk about communism. I talk about the Berlin Wall. I do all that shit, and then... Just every picture on the Hinge Prime profile is eyes closed. Yeah, for a long time, my profile was really scary. I didn't adjust it the correct way. I had weird... I didn't smile in any of my photos,

and then I showed my friend it, and they were like, what the fuck is wrong with you? It's so frightening in this photo. What did that look like? What does you not smiling look like? Show us the... Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha ha. That is scary as hell. Yeah. Have any of the liberal girls that you've hung out with found out that you have common sense? Ha ha ha. Have you ever been like, caught? Well, it's like, I'll always go on a date and I'll, like, I'll go into it, and really,

I'll try and talk about how I like speaking my mind. Use certain language like that, and then I test the waters, and sometimes they'll be like, uh... Oh, no, that's not okay. I don't know. I'll just be like, um... Just sit down on the... Please fuck me, please fuck me! I'm gonna shoot up a school if you don't fuck me, right? I don't know. Please, help me.

Aah! I have to, like, I give in eventually. I'm just like... Wow. Do this for the people of... ...Insert High School. No. Wow. Wow. Do this for the people of... insert high school. Wow.

Wow. Compelling. Yeah. Can't imagine how terrified I'd be on a first date if someone was like, I really like to speak my mind. Oh, no. Thinking they're being clever. Wow. Ray, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? Shit.

I guess I'm trying to become a citizen of Slovakia right now. Wait. Oh, shit. This is some fucking crea... Heidi, grab the map! There's a beautiful castle I want to be in a fucking castle. Heidi, grab the map! Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. There's a beautiful castle I want to be in a vampire in.

Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. What is going on in Slovakia to where you are trying to become a citizen? Uh, guarantee you haven't learned a fucking word or their language yet. Zero percent chance of that fucking.

It's really a bad language. It's a terrible, but oh God, if they're listening, I love it. Let me in, please. What is it about Slovakia that you want so much? I have like, my ancestors are from there and I want to be able to get citizenship there so I can like own property

and then also be able to like work there so it's like a comedian it's like just a good idea I think. How close are you to owning property? But not just in Slovakia it would be anywhere in the EU you get full citizenship so god I'm not gonna get in now because of this shit. You want to own property in Slovakia? I'm not gonna get it. No you could own it anywhere in the EU if you do that. So where would you buy property? I don't know you You could, like, Spain or somewhere that's cool. Is that what you would do? This doesn't make any sense. I'm just trying to figure it out.

So you live in America. You're an American citizen. I would keep its dual citizenship. Sure, I got that. But instead of buying property in the greatest country in the world, you would buy property in, I don't know, anywhere in Europe. You like don't even have an exact...

Spread my wings, you know, maybe. Just keep the options open. It takes like two years to get citizenship. It takes many, many years for you to learn Spanish. Hey. God, I'm fucked. I have no chance. When you start getting booked in Slovakia, could you put in a good word for me, please?

Ha ha ha ha. Psh. Ha ha ha. When you start getting booked in Slovakia, could you put in a good word for me, please? I would love to have you on the Secret Show next week. Thank you so much. Here you go, Ray. Here's the big joke bug. All right. One last bucket poll. One last bucket poll. Make some noise for Mike Ayo Bebebe.

Mike Ayo Bebe. Oh yeah, here he is. Mike Ayo Bebe. Woo! That's the black dance right there, the Dougie. It don't matter what beat is going on, man. A nigga going, Dougie. Man, this is, a nigga.

Man, this is a nice crowd. This is not an open mic for sure. Ha ha ha. A little bit about myself, Iyo Baby. That's a crazy, non-American last name right there. Was born and raised in Nigeria. Don't get scared. When I tell people that, they wanna to put their phones away, man. Think I'm going to send them an e-mail.

It's, uh... Let's chill. It's not coming. It's, uh... Nah, being born and raised in Nigeria, man, make you appreciate things that y'all in America take for granted. You know, clean air, clean water. Y'all got nice water here, man.

The one in Nigeria, you can see germs and demons in that thing break dancing. You can see Gris Brown in your cup. I'm trying to tell you, man. You take a sip, you don't know what you're gonna catch. You might catch a demon or disease. You might need a doctor or a priest, you know, to relieve you of your pain.

That's what you might. Okay, that's my time. Mike, Iyo Baby? How do you say that? Iyo Baby. Iyo Baby. That's a crazy last name for a black guy because it's also the perfect thing to scream at your dad as he's leaving you.

No, I got a father, unfortunately. All right, you guys have a good night. Hey, Iyo Baby, I got a father, unfortunately. Alright, you guys have a good night. Hey, I your baby. I got a father, unfortunately. Don't leave me. Both of them, dad and mom. They both stay together. It's the African thing, man.

Really? Yeah, man. When you poor, you stay together. You don't... Okay, and they're in Nigeria right now? No, no, they're in Minnesota, freezing their ass off. Wow. Yeah, that's where I landed first, in Minnesota.

My goodness, what made you guys go to Minnesota first? You saw the George Floyd thing. Man, have you been to Nigeria? What? Have you been to Nigeria? I've been to Minnesota. I'd rather go to Nigeria, to be honest with you. You go to Nigeria, you gonna wanna leave

and go anywhere but Nigeria. I think I would fit in just fine there. Ha ha ha! Ooh, Tony, they're gonna smell you right from the plane, man. What does that mean? We can smell Tony Hitchcock. What does that mean? It means no worries.

Ha ha ha! Woo! How old were you when you moved from Nigeria to the United States of America? I was about 13 years old. Okay. And what was the biggest difference that you noticed other than white people? Food.

Okay, let's talk about Nigerian food for a second. Tell us about the cuisine of Nigeria. Go ahead, Tom. Man, we got the primary one is fufu. Fufu, yeah. Fufu sounds good. What's Fufu? So Fufu is like a doughy substance. It's made out of yams.

You put yams and then you put water. You pound it up and then it turns. It's like a gangster ass mashed potato. Hell yeah. Red band. That's the sound effect of flies all around the Fufu. Oh no, get out of here. Get out of here. That's the sound effect of flies all around the FooFoo. Oh no, get out of here.

Get out of here, flies. Oh man, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you know, it be like that, man. You know, when it's hot, the flies come around. Absolutely, absolutely. Well yeah, FooFoo, we got that. Foo, again, it's a doughy substance and then the different kind of soups that you get with it.

I love it, I love it. What do, how did your parents get American citizenship? Are they part of a special program or something? Yeah, lottery visa, lottery visa. Yeah. Lottery visa. Yep. That must have been- George Bush. Okay. Got me here, Republican baby. George W. Bush, a Republican.

Yeah, he signed that thing. No doubt about it. We know him very well. So, you went from the bush because of a bush. Ha ha ha ha! I was waiting on that! I was waiting on that! I love it. He took me, George Bush took me out the bush. Have you ever seen a lion?

Oh man, we ate them all in Nigeria, man. They ran out. They bounced. Really? They went to freaking Botswana and then where the white people at. Nice over there. Lot of whites.

Nigeria, who was grilling them? Lot of whites in Botswana. That's right. Hell yeah. What did your dad do for work in Nigeria? Oh my God, crazy. He work at a foot locker? I'd imagine there's a lot of them out there.

No, I know foot locker in Nigeria. Hell no, we'll eat that too. He was a- Fufu. He was a photographer in Nigeria, which didn't get him a lot of money. That's why we left. Like of animals and stuff?

Of hungry people. You know, the kids with the fat bellies and the goddamn flies in their eyes. What does he do for work in Minnesota? Oh man, you know, nursing home. That's what Africans come here to do. They get right into nursing home. They're like nurses. Well, nursing homes, so nursing assistants.

Right, okay, okay, that makes sense. Racking up easy Ws on the patients. I don't know if you guys have seen the videos about it. Yeah, no doubt about it. We the ones looking after the white grandparents. That's what they doing. Slapping them around. That's right.

Signing your money away with this contract. Yep. Padding the records. Shut up and take your pill, Mr. Jefferson. Shut up your mouth. Take your pill, bastard. Bring over the next one. Just serving Fufu all day.

Ha ha ha ha. Oh man. What is this that my grandma's eating? Why is there flies all over it? She using, using our hands too. That's one thing you gotta do with food. You gotta use your hands to eat it. Okay.

What do you do for work here in America? Oh man, I did a lot of things. I used to sell cars, I used to work at a factory. Now in Austin, I drive for Amazon. I do Amazon and then I do Uber on the South. Again, you went from the Amazon to- To the Amazon. To the Amazon.

Absolutely- Man, it's just something about that Bush and Amazon. Bush to Bush, Amazon to Amazon. This is the American dream. What was that? Hey, there's a little jungle bird. That's actually the name of that sound effect. It is Jungle Bird. Man, yeah, yes sir.

I love it. What do you do for fun? Man. I bless the rains. Oh my goodness gracious, he's doing it. Alive. We're getting word it just started raining outside. It is a downpour here in Austin, Texas. It's about to rain right now.

Yeah, yeah. Hopefully y'all got your goddamn umbrellas. Absolutely. I just summoned them motherfuckers. Absolutely incredible. Man, I don't know. I try to stay away from the police. That's what I do for fun, you know.

Yep. That's a full-time job for you. I like to stay clear out of them, man. You know, so regular things. What are our thoughts about fat-mooted white bitches? Man, this is very good. I like it. I like it.

I like it. I like it. I like it. I like it. Stay clear out of them, man. So, regular things. What are our thoughts about fat-booted white bitches? Man, very good. I like it. I like big booty. I saw a lot of big booty black women in Nigeria. What do you prefer, black or white? Man, my dick don't discriminate, man.

I accept any pussy I get right now. Amazing. When's the last time you got pussy? You seem like... I got some coming this weekend, so... You got some coming? I got some pussy. I got some drag coming this weekend, god damn it.

Order it through Amazon. Some coochie on the way. You got a coming prime? Where's it coming from? Where's it coming from? Yeah. I bet you know, she Spanish. She Spanish, you know what I mean?

I tried to try something new, tried a little Mexico. Wow. I've tried black. I was in Minnesota. I tried white a lot out there, you know. Yeah. What do you notice the difference between the white vagina and the black vagina? Mmm, man.

This one's on you. It's gonna be... Man, white vagina the white vagina like it a little rougher. They like it a little rougher, man. I don't know, black women they- When you say they like it a little rough, what exactly do you mean? You could smack a white bitch in the ass and she'd be cool with it.

Black women, they try to take intermissions, man. Ooh, nigga, that's too hard. Ah. That's too hard, bro. You would think based on history, it would be the other way around. Hey, yo, hey, hey. Hey, man, how many Panthers died for this curtain

to look fly right here, man? That's a lot of... Anyway. Yeah. Well, Mike, before I let you go, one more crazy thing about your life that makes you different. What's something that you're into

or that we would be surprised to know about you? I got a college degree. No way. Yes way. Fucking finished, man. Wow. Ain't using it though, ain't using it though. Relax, baby. Social science.

I'm working at Amazon. Wow. Shit didn't help my black ass. You know what I'm saying? My goodness. Where'd you go to school? I went to Winona State University. Well, I went to Juco first. I went to junior college first, Rochester Minnesota, Rochester Technical College, and then went to Winona State. What the hell is that? Did you say what your major was? Social, social, actually social work. Social work.

Was my major, yeah. Social work. Helping people. Very noble. You are awesome. I like your style. The minute was a little rough, you're a little rusty. You could, but you are so charismatic.

The interview, absolutely unbelievable. Appreciate you. I think you do, you keep doing spots, keep getting out, keep working it out and you're gonna be just fine. Mike, Ayo Baby, you can't even make it up. Ayo Baby. Well, there's only one way to end a show like this. William Montgomery is sick and Ari Matty is in Estonia.

So I present to you one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen here with yet another new minute, the guy who misses less than anybody. He's always here. Never fucking says, hey, can I take a week off? Hey, I don't know. His work ethic is unbelievable. He is the undeniable, the one and only,

this is Cam Patterson. ["Slaver"] ["Slaver"] ["Slaver"] ["Slaver"] Let's go, Cam! Without Slaver, I coulda been that nigga. Huh. Y nigga. Huh.

Yikes. Oh. Ha-ha-ha. I be going to clubs and shit. I go to clubs a lot. And I went to a club recently about home in Florida, and one of the bouncers had, like, had one of the wand things, and he wanded the bottom of my feet. And I left that line immediately, dawg.

Because I don't want to go nowhere. They're getting foot pistols in. That's crazy. That's psychopathic. And I also have a immediately, dawg. Because I don't want to go nowhere. They getting foot pistols in. That's crazy. That's psychopathic. And I also have a theory about bouncers. Not the bouncers here, because they are regular people. But I think, like, bouncers anywhere else are all gay. That's what I think. They big gay niggas. That's what I think.

Big undercover gay niggas. Because every time I go to a club, they pat me down. They always touch my dick. My dick get touched. Every single time. And if the club is full, they probably touch 200 dicks. It's a lot of dicks to touch. It's a straight man, gay-ass nigga. That's crazy.

He's gay. And if I was a bouncer, and I'm not, because I'm not gay, but if I was, if I was a bouncer and I patted you down, you had a bigger dick than me, I would not let because I'm not gay, but if I was, if I was a bouncer and I patted you down, you had a bigger dick than me, I would not let you in the club. No, my girlfriend's in there. No!

Ha ha ha! No, bucko! Ha! There's gonna be a bunch of little dick and they do a little dick dance and shit like that. You know what I'm saying? I'm gonna appreciate that. That is how it's done. Yet another new minute and some change for Cam motherfucking Patterson. Absolute anomaly.

How are you, Cam? I'm good, man. How you feeling? Great. This was such a fucking fun episode tonight, right? Yeah. Shit been cool to see, though. That one Mexican nigga that came out and said, f**k, immediately it was crazy.

Yeah. And boy, I'm a psycho Pac-cho. That was crazy as shit. And then it all went downhill from there. He tried to get out 23 seconds into his set. He's like, f**k it, f**k it, thank you, good night. That was incredible. That nigga retarded, man. He's like, I appreciate that. Thank you, good night. That was incredible. That nigga retarded, man.

It's all good. He started, it may have been one of the wildest, like though he started with pure heat and then he left with a barrage of booze and double birds. He meant that shit too. Yo, yeah. Oh man. He turned on this crowd.

Cam, my God, you have been a relentless regular on this show. Precise. And yet you did it again. What's going on in your life? Now, I got a new car. I got two new cars. Oh, you have two cars. Okay.

Well, that's not the way that we were hoping you would spin. Slow down. You don't know what they are, though. You don't know what they are. Oh, well, I'm sure when I find out what they are. Yeah, you'll be more excited. One is a Chevy. One is a Chevy. One don't know what they are, though. You don't know what they are. Oh, well, I'm sure when I find out what they are... Yeah, you'll be more excited.

One is a Chevy Impala. Yeah. I know that. Yeah, I bought that. With 20 inch rims. No, no. 24. 24.

Yeah, go, yeah, yeah. 24. 24. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Yeah, yeah. And you got... Wait, yeah, 96, fuck, nigga. Oh. Yeah, yeah, wait, yeah, 96, fuck, nigga, oh.

That's right. It is an unbelievable car. He insisted that I go to the parking lot and check it out when he got it, and I gotta tell you, I was really proud of you. It was incredible. The rims are shiny, the inside is classy as hell, lot of space.

Hell yeah, for fucking. Yep. I'm gonna fucking that car. Yep, that's- I'm gonna fucking that car. Yep. I'm gonna fucking that car for sure. Yep. That's the fucking car. Have you done it yet?

No, but I'm going to. I'm telling you, I'm gonna fucking that car. Okay, all right. And I got like, I got South Symmetra II so the seats rattle so her pussy get wet. Cause like the vibrator like. All right. Yeah, nigga.

Okay. I'm gonna fucking that car. Okay. And you have a new car. Yeah. Okay. What is this one? I'm on Facebook marketplace too much. It a new car. Yeah. Okay. What is this one?

I'm on Facebook Marketplace too much. It's a problem. It's a 2014 Infiniti. Okay. What made you get an Infiniti? I don't know. Genetics. What is that? What is that?

My daddy had an Infiniti. My granddaddy had an Infiniti. Everybody had Infiniti's, man. Your sister, Infiniti, also had an Infiniti. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! To the stage, Infiniti! Oh. Oh, my God. Whoo. Cam, why would you get a second car? I don't know.

Have you thought about buying property? car? I don't know. Have you thought about buying property? Yes. I thought about it. I ain't... That's all I did. I thought about it. I'm getting out. We're doing shit. Okay. Well, how do you feel about Slovakia? Ha-ha-ha.

Ha-ha-ha. Where that's at? I don't fucking know. What is that? What color is this infinity? It's like a... It's like a... It's like, I don't even know how What is it? What color is this infinity? It's like a, it's like a, it's like, I don't even know how to explain it. It's like, it's got a rap on it.

It's like, it's like purple. Yes. I fucking knew it. I fucking knew it. No, it's not. From the second you said infinity, I'm like, I shouldn't ask him the color. It's kind of a boring question in front of millions of viewers, but I'll bet it's purple. I want to ask. I bet it's purple. It's not purple. It's purple-ish boring question in front of millions of viewers. But I'll bet it's purple. I want to ask.

I bet it's purple. It's purple-ish. Fuck you, Donald. I know. I can see the color. It's like purple. It's like almost black. But it's got like a purple tint.

Plum. John Deere, our senior black correspondent, is saying plum. And we know that it's plum. I can literally, I know you well enough to know the look on your face. I could show you. What do you think is plumbful? I could show you on a fucking,

I will have Bread Band bring up the fucking color thing and I will show you the color and you're gonna drop the mic cause I'm gonna fucking nail it. How do you think it's plumb? Why do you think it's plumb? What? Why do you think it's plumb? What make you think it's plumb?

What makes you believe it's a pl? Why make you think it's a plum? What makes you believe it's a plum color? I don't understand. Oh, OK. Well, that's kind of just like normal. OK, here, maybe this one, this chart right here. You brought up a rainbow. That's gay. Well. Dude, dude with a purple car. Fucking rainbow is gay.

Super gay. Super gay. Purple is cool. It's not purple, though. It's not purple. But if it was purple, it'd be fucking cool. It's not plumb, you fuck. I mean, I would. Cut that out. I didn't see that. I'm gonna pick this square right here. How close am I to correct? That's the fucking color, dude. Go up a little bit.

It's plum, dude. Pink? No, not pink. It's a little darker than that, but it's got that... You're wrong. If you had to say the color of the car, how would you describe it?

Purpleish. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh my God. So much fun. What else Cam, anything else we should know about? Ah, that's it, really? Oh, oh no. Uh oh.

Oh no, there is no, no. So I was going to Canada, we were going to Canada this we were in Canada this weekend. It was in Toronto. And my dad had been to Canada a couple of times, like a lot with me. Oh, Kenny Patterson. Like a lot. The legend of Kenny Patterson.

It gets stronger today. So he goes to Canada a lot. And then we went through the, what is it, the immigration, whatever the fuck, what them niggas is? Customs. Customs. Went through customs. And the dude was like, y'all got to go inside for a second.

And so we go, it's me, my dad, and my sister. And we go inside, because we drove over there from Buffalo. And we went inside, and the lady just called my dad over, and then she was like, yeah, you got like a domestic abuse charge from 99. Oh. My God. And I was born in 99, so... Oh. my God. And I was born in 99, so... Oh, my God.

He just went, see y'all in Buffalo, nigga, I don't know what to tell you. He made his wife purple. Yeah. Oh. And then he went and walked back to America. Really? Yeah.

You can't go to Canada if you have any kind of charge like that. He got in three times. And then he been a walk back to America. Really? Yeah. You can't go to Canada if you have any kind of charge like that. He got in three times. And he told the lady that he was like, I got in three times. She was like, we didn't see the first couple of times. He was like, you're a dumb bitch.

And I was like, wait a minute. Don't do it again, not here. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. This ain't the place to do it. Cam, you are the man. Thank you so much.

Cam Patterson, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Killing it, Cam Patterson. How about one more time for tonight's guests? Tim Butterly is on tour, timbutterly.com. Tim Butterly's show. Check out Dad Meet. One more time for Chris O'Connor, everybody.

Tires, season two, June 4th. Stuff Island is his podcast. Thank you to Bluechew and Nick Nikitine Pouches. These guys are on tour. Check them out. A ChrisOConnor.com and TimButterly.com. The drawing from Ryan J. Belt is in. Thank you very much for having me, Tony. This is a fucking pleasure, dude.

Tim Butterly. Dreams come true. Chris O'Connor. Fun times, gentlemen. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? Red Band. Check out the Sunset Strip atx.com. Love you guys.

Go re-watch the Netflix special. Shout out to our good friend Shane Gillis for holding it down as the great Donald Trump and Kyle Dunnigan and Adam Ray and everybody. Rogan's the girl. All the special treats. Jeff Ross, everyone. Live audience, thank you so much. We love you.

Good night night everybody. The The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! you you This podcast is brought to you by Aura. Aura monitors the dark web for users' phone numbers, emails, and social security numbers, delivering real-time alerts if any suspicious activity is detected. For a limited time, Aura is offering our listeners a 14-day trial plus a check of your data to see if your personal information has been leaked online, all for free when you visit aura.com slash defense. That's aura.com slash defense to sign up for a 14-day free trial and start protecting you

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