KILL TONY - #718 - JAMES MCCANN + KIM CONGDON

Episode Date: May 13, 2025

Kim Congdon, James McCann, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery, Ari Matti, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 04/28/2025 TONY HINCHCLIFFE @TONYHINCHCLIFE TONYHINCHCLIFFE.COM BRIAN REDBAN @REDBAN DEATHSQUAD.TV SUNSETSTRIPATX.COM THIS EPISODE IS SPONSORED BY: Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony Download the app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup! https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony If you’re 21+, try VIIA! For 15% off AND a free gift with your first order head to https://viia.co/tony and use code TONY! #viiapartner Start paying rent through Bilt and take advantage of your Neighborhood Benefits™ by going to https://joinbilt.com/tony. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony could be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Rad Man coming to you live from from the comedy mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Get over it Tony.

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Td ready for you. Here we go, you guys ready to start tonight's show? This is Kill Tony brought to you by ExpressVPN, ZipRecruiter, PrizePix, and Tacoviz. Every single week, I book two of the best guests humanly possible. What I love about this show, tonight, is that this is a booking of two of my favorite guests

of the year, two of my favorite guests of the year. Two of my favorite guests. People that came through on the clutch for me when the entire world was against me immediately after a specific event at Madison Square Garden that I did last year. I don't bring it up very often, but I'm bringing it up now because a lot of people canceled that night. A lot of people wanted to stay away. And these two comedy fucking warriors are like,

let's go, throw me in. I'm down for you. Even when it's dark, I'm down to play with Tony Hinchcliffe. And they are back here with huge projects selling out around the country. Two of my favorite comedians in the world, two of the best guests in Kill Tony history,

including the first regular ever on this show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for James McCann and Kim Congdon. Yes, yes. Kim, have a seat there. James, come over here. Stay right here, James. Come over here.

There they are, two of the best. James McCann is back. There they are, two of the best. James McCann is back. Many people sang a front runner for guest of the year 2025. Yeah, there's a lot of fellow autistic men out there looking after their own. Very proud. It's great to be back. They love James McCann.

He's doing his first ever American tour. That's right, Tony! Get tickets. Why we're doing Georgia? We're doing other places too. Eleven dates. He is one of the best comedians around here at the mothership and all around the world. Part of the Shane Gillis, Philly somehow mafia, even though you're from Australia. He found you, he takes you around,

doing arenas all around the world. Yes, it was so good to me at first. I thought at some point he's gonna try and fuck me. And he never did. That's true. He never did. He hasn't. He's a good, he's actually a good man.

That's how I always felt about Rogan. I'm still waiting for it at some point. Yeah. I've always been waiting. I'm like, one day, there's gotta be a reason here. I mean, I know I'm good. I know he sees me work hard. But at any day, there's gotta be a reason here. I mean, I know I'm good. I know he sees me work hard,

but at any point he's just gonna grab me by my waist and do whatever he wants with me. And it never happened. How about- Yeah, you guys are like, it can't be blow jobs forever. You son of a- Kim? Bitch!

Get your mind out of the Bronx. No! No! I did not invite you here to make jokes like that, Kim. Hello. Kim Congdon, the first ever regular in Kill Tony history, writing and performing a new minute every week 12 fucking years ago, back when barely anyone was watching,

and now you're a legend doing Brea and Oxnard, May 14th, May 15th, kimcongdon.com, the Kim Congdon Takeover. So you guys know all about the show. You guys are veterans of the game. Over 200 human innocent souls signed up for the opportunity to get pulled out of this bucket tonight. I'm gonna let this fucking little red band fucking

stunt man pull the first name. This little fat boy. Hell yeah. And like that it has begun. While they go wrangle that comedian, when I pull their name they get 60 seconds. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts them and then I conduct an interview, and then we all talk to them together. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen.

Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Great. Your first comedian doing an uninterrupted minute tonight is one of our favorite old time, good old fucking golden ticket winners. This guy, a legend, used to be a fucking fraudster on the streets and now regularly doing spots with me on the road, with the killers of Kill Tony,

with his own things, with Cam Patterson, always working. It is America's favorite uncle, make some noise. This is a new minute from David Jolly, everybody. Here we go. -♪ -♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba I had to do it cold turkey, because I tried to do it, like, with the AA meetings at first. But every time I went to an AA meeting, I needed a fucking drink. Don't people's lives be miserable as hell? You know what I mean? Like, goddamn, do it already, bitch.

Nobody gonna miss your ass. It got to the point where I started going to the meetings, and I just spiked the coffee. You know what I mean? Get your back to your regular self, you know? Then it got so bad, I started coming to the meetings drunk as coffee, you know what I mean? Get you back to your regular self, you know? Then it got so bad, I started coming to the meetings drunk as hell, you know? I started coming to the meetings drunk

and they'll kick me out of the meetings. And I'm like, fuck, you can't keep me out of this AA meeting, man, I'm crying, it's a fucking cry for help right now. You know? You can't kick me out of this AA meeting. This isn't an AA meeting, it's a PTA meeting. All right, that ain't go as good as I thought it was gonna. All right.

All right, that's my time. Thank y'all. Fuck yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah. One of my favorite lines in all of comedy, that didn't go as well as I thought it was gonna. Yeah, that'd be real, you know?

I love it. David, that was a new minute. This is true, huh? You've been sober for 21 months. Yeah, well, it's like July 12th or something. I just had to figure a number out and I can't count that well sometimes under pressure. So it's like 21, 22, some shit like that.

It was Juneteenth. It's been a... Pfft. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Boom. I was drunk as fuck on Juneteenth. It's been a... Pfft. Boom. Boom. I was drunk as fuck on Juneteenth. Hell yeah. What is a big day of celebration for you? When do you tend to be happy?

You know, I mean, every day I wake up and be happy, man, because I'm alive, man. You know, like, I got a good fucking life. You know what I'm saying? Yeah, you do. You feel me? Like, I'm doing real well. But like... You used to be a real troublemaker.

Do you, does that side of you ever creep up? Do you ever like get the urge to like write a fake check or anything like that? Well, no. See, the way, what I do now is, a lot of people don't know about this, but sometimes at night, me and Joe Rogan go dress up like Batman

and beat the shit out of homeless people. Wow. He's black man. Yeah. We just beat the fuck out of homeless. You're Robin, but it's spelled R-O-B-I-N apostrophe. Yeah, you know how to spell it motherfucker.

That's it. That's fucking it. Hell yeah. You're the Riddler with a hard R. That's fucking it. Hell yeah. You're the Riddler with a hard R. With a hard R. It's got to be a hard R, you know? It ain't right without a hard R.

Absolutely. Just like a hard dick. Ain't that right, Tony? Whoa! I love both. We love both. What else is going on, David Jolly? Shit, man, I was in Portland this weekend. That was pretty fucking cool. Portland? Portland, Portland love both. What else is going on, David Jolly? Shit, man, I was in Portland this weekend.

That was pretty fucking cool. Portland? Portland, Portland, Portland. Oh, there you go. Y'all understand what I'm saying? That's a grocery store in his neighborhood. Yeah, no, man. Portland, Oregon, that place is pretty cool, you know.

What's cool about it? Shit, I was smoking weed, walking down the road and shit. Just the police walked by, that ain't even bothering me. Well, you were the first black man they had ever seen in Portland. You're right, you're ain't even bother me. Well, you were the first black man they had ever seen in front of you. You're right, you're right. No, they seen Cam first, that's who Chozo was. You know what I'm saying?

I was number two, but it was cool. I seen a crack head smoking like a crack pipe right in front of the courthouse. It was crazy. Cause you know, everything ain't legal out there. Was there a mirror in front of you? Hey, fuck you, Tony. Fuck you, motherfucker. Yeah.

Yeah. I love you, man. I know. I went to Portland once, and it was the gayest homeless people I'd ever seen. I don't wanna... It wasn't a whole lot of homeless people, though. It wasn't that many where I was at.

Like, right there by the club. Fentanyl might've cleared them out since I was there. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, Portland's an absolute crazy fucking place. It's terrible. Yeah, it wasn't that bad where I was at. I ain't really do no research, you know. I ain't really like drive around looking for crackheads

and that, you know. Fun fact about Portland, my agent told me this. It's a fun fact. He thought that I would find it interesting. Last week, he told me that there's a theater there that books comedians that makes, still to this day, mandatory that you're vaccinated for COVID if you want to get into this theater.

So you can sit around a bunch of people to get sick five times a year. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But at least you feel like you did something. I did that. The other thing, they have like, what are they, the sign language lady. And I did a set in Portland with a sign language lady

doing my set and halfway through the set, she just crossed her arms and refused to communicate what I was saying to the deaf people. It's very liberal there. It's very liberal. I feel like the police in Portland lock their doors when they see black people. Hey, the show, she was there on Saturday.

As soon as I got on the stage, I was like, nigga, nigga, nigga, nigga, she was just doing She was just doing all kinds of shit with her hands. Wow. She was like, she just stopped at a point. She was calling the police and signing all this. Yeah, basically. Basically that was going on. Just growing up gang signs.

Incredible. All right, David, well, way to get the show started. You did it. There's a new 50 seconds from David Jolly. And it has begun. There we go. All right, let me just say, we don't need to shake everybody's hand

as we go off this. It's good that you did it with David. You know David, but. There was an opportunity to do our cool black handshake together. Let's see it. Now I wanna see it. Let's do it.

Wow. Oh shit. Wow. All right, David, there you go. Appreciate it. There, shit. Wow. All right, David, there you go. Appreciate it. There you go. There he goes, everybody. David Jolley. All right.

Oh, my God. You know what that sound means. The lovely Heidi has arrived. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Old car horn, indeed. All right, your first bucket pull, people. This is where it goes down. This is where stars are born and idiots are found.

Anything can happen. This is Kill Tony. Your first bucket pull of the night is Joseph Paul Alampi, everybody. Joseph Paul Alampi. Here we go. I would exterminate those bugs like I was in the party in the 1940s for room and board of course. That's a callback. Okay. Give, let's give it a round of applause for Mary. Everybody, Mary! Mary! Mary! Mary!

Fucking hell! Oh, hi there. Oh, my God, it... This is a different sort of ship. Holy fuck, this guy. Zz-z-z-z-z-z-zip! I'm Barry. Sometimes the aliens talk to me in my sleep or when I'm awake etc etc and I'm all out of fucking tinfoil. I might go back on the X. Where's the X? I don't know is the X in my head? Did I take any X? Stop taking X,

because I think it's like in the psychosphere or something. My grandson, my grandson was also electrocuted. I was electrocuted. I'll break the fifth wall. I love you, Tony. Wow, shockingly, unbelievably, incredibly, unbelievably, shockingly bad. I mean, just, wow, nothing Kim Congdon. Dude, when he came out, I swear to God,

I thought it was Roseanne, and she finally got dementia. That... He looks like the dude from that movie, Split. Yeah. It's Adam Gay. Okay, Red Band, maybe put that fucking mic down permanently. Lock it up. Lock it up.

Okay. You know in Back to the Future where Michael J. Fox plays to his parents' generation? Your kids are gonna love that. You're not ready for it yet. But that's 20 years time. I'm doing the most charitable read I can, friend. 20 years time, I'm doing the most charitable read I can, friend. I'm...

I am so intrigued by how bad that was, Joseph Paul O'Lampy. How long have you... Over here, Joseph. Look right at me. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About a year, two years. Did you prepare anything? It seemed like that was very improvised. What do you have written down on your hand there? I love talking to you now, this, like, real guy

that's like, fuck, I fucked up. There's some dude in a wig that just, like, fucking bombed, man. I love it. It must be crazy to bomb in a muumuu. Psst, psst. I'm a cuckoo in a muumuu. Okay, so you still had definitely had nothing prepared. I do.

Like, I feel like if I put that dress on a wig on any other dude in this room, they'd be, like, so much funnier than you were. I really do believe so. That's all right. But they didn't, Tony. You know, it's like abstract art. A four-year-old could do that, but they didn't. He's out here taking chances.

That is true. Now, tonight, it was not a good one very bad very positive Very positive analysis of what just happened here Yeah, but this is like one of those chances where you fuck a hooker with no condom and get a disease, you know Okay. All right. So let's just Joseph stick with me over here over here Joseph. You ready? So you've been doing it a year Give me a joke that you prepared for tonight. Like something that you would do,

like where you're like, all I have to do is say this like this and this will work. What was something that you had in your head, on your hand, written, anything? What do you got there? Because you didn't do any of that on your hand, did you? Oh my God, you have so much shit. Cat.

You have writing all over your hand and you did nothing. You said, wow, look, there's a band. Can I read one? No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Let Joseph fucking say, what do you think the best joke? Well, I just have stories or whatever, like Cat Pissed Girl. What does that mean? So Cat Pissed Girl, I didn't have sex,

I still haven't said, right now I haven't said. So I didn't have sex for like still haven't sex. Right now, I haven't sex. So I didn't have sex for, like, two years. Uh-huh. And I moved to Tampa. Uh-huh. And so I was, you know, I was talking to this girl outside for, like, like a half hour, and I believe she was intoxicated.

Tsk. Joseph. Yeah. Keep going. Okay, sorry. You're so desperate for a laugh that, like, somebody sneezing in the crowd throws you off, like, oh, is for a laugh that, like, somebody sneezing in the crowd throws you off like,

oh, is that a laugh? You're, like, pausing for shit. There's nothing happening here. You have to hit something for it to be funny. So we went up to her room to fuck. She starts blowing me, except the smell of ammonia made my dick go soft. And that was it.

That was your go-to? That's your fucking one year in the game? That's your number one go-to? Wow, they're fucking hard. Oh my god. How old are you? 50. What? Is that not a wig? I thought that was a wig. Oh my god! It's Gary Busey! Oh my god.

Wow, for all of you seven year olds listening. It's a, it's a... He looks like Bruce Willis now. He looks like what? Bruce Bruce? You're not really 50. You're not really 50, are you? Huh? I'm sorry? Are you really 50?

You drink lots of water, listen to your grandmother, eat your vegetables. You've got huge full lips. That's another one. Yeah, it was made fun of for having huge lips as a kid. Okay, what's that joke? You heard it. You said... No.

Is that it? You just have setups for your jokes. Do you know that? You haven't finished... They used to call me Blowjob Boy. Okay. So whoever called you Blowjob Boy should be the one signing up for the show.

Oh, my God. You see that? Because they're kind of funny. You're just repeating something that somebody called you once. Okay, what do you do for work, 50-year-old? I got laid off. Okay, what did you used to do?

I was a security guard. I was a personal trainer, a Tai Chi instructor. I think Red Band would benefit from me if you wanted. How? Personal trainer? Is that what you're implying? No, Moo Moo. I would love to train Red Band and it'll help now. Okay.

Whatever. Jesus, Joseph. God damn. Do you have any crazy life stories? I was electrocuted. Uh-huh. I believe that. I definitely believe that.

Eyebrows flew right off. There you go. Robocop. He does look like Powder if he lost all his powers. Can we get a couple more references from the 80s, please, Red Band? Can we get perhaps another Gary Busey or RoboCop reference? What do you got? You got it!

There you go. All right. There it is. There we go. He's got a lot of energy tonight. Is there any redeeming quality about you whatsoever? You did nothing funny. I like that it's kind of character-y, but you did fucking nothing. You got electrocuted once, and people made fun of you.

What else? Well, you don't want to hear how I got electrocuted? If it's interesting. I guess, is it was a fucking accident. So I used to play outside of a deli, and they didn't ground the icebox, the ice machine. So I put my hand on the one pole and the other pole, and it went, raah!

That's it. Then I did it again. That's the story of you getting electrocuted. This is the hardest, yeah, go ahead. Fucking fuck me. No, it's- Fuck my ass, Tony! No, no, no, no, no, no, no, stick with me, Joseph Fucking fuck me. Fuck my ass, Tony. No, no, no, no, no. Stick with me, Joseph. Fuck me in the ass.

That's better. That's better. That's a character. What about your big fucking blowjob lips? Did they ever make fun of your big blowjob lips? You have beautiful emerald eyes. See, you said it there at the end. I have beautiful lips. No, I said emerald eyes.

I was gonna do it as Mary, but you know what? Okay, shut the fuck up. Joseph Paul Alampi. There's something in there, man. I see it, right? You can kind of see it. When he gets mad, you can kind of see it. There might be a comedian inside of you.

Read another joke off your fucking hand. Well, I went to an all... You've been doing this a year. Hurry the fuck up. Also, I keep getting angry at Tony. That was great. If a tree falls in the woods, does it make a sound if nobody's there?

If I say the N-word in the woods, do ninjas start to fall out of the sky because, you know, whatever the fuck. Nothing makes any sense with you. I got to get you out of here, Joseph. Jesus Christ. You know what? I don't think you get a little joke, but...

Joseph Paul O'Lampy, maybe next time. Sign up again, Joseph. James, seriously, do not fucking fist bump everybody that comes out here, it's so annoying, stop. It's fucking retarded, what are you making friends? Are you networking here tonight? It's a lonely city! It's not.

Another three word name coming at you. Ladies and gentlemen, another bucket pull. Clearly, fucking anything can happen. Clearly, this show is not produced at all. Hi there. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and Talkspace, the leading provider of online therapy,

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to match with a licensed therapist today, go to talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space eight zero. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. today go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space 8 0 this podcast is sponsored by Shopify you know the origins of this podcast for once just a dream that dream turned into the podcast and business you are listening to today starting your own business is a dream a lot of us share but too many of us let it remain just a dream don't hold yourself back thinking what if I don't

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Uh, I've been days dating a girl recently with a pretty big red flag. I think it's Chinese or somethin'. I'm not too sure. Uh, I've been thinkin' I should be in the UFC. The way I've been fighting these gay thoughts. I think it's gonna come down to a decision. I think the black guy's gonna win. I don't know.

Uh, have you guys ever noticed that, uh, veterans and trans people are a lot alike? Like, you don't have to ask them. They'll tell you about it. They have a hard time finding employment. And sometimes they kill themselves. Which is honestly just a burden off our shoulders. Wow.

Isaac Cain Brown. Completely saging the room of Joseph Paul O'Lampy. Two comedians, six names in total. Isaac Cain Brown, totally different guy. No wigs, no dresses, jokes. It's incredible what jokes do on this show. Yes, sir. How long you been doing standup, Isaac Kane Brown?

A little over two years. Two years, where at? Started in Illinois, Peoria. Okay, a lot of greats from Peoria. Richard Pryor, Sam Kennison. Yes, sir. And Isaac Kaneain Brown. What do you do for work?

I sell yukio cards. James McCann has entered the chat. That's some kind of like what? Can you, anybody? It's yeah, I was a trading card guy from Japan, but do you have to be in that store? No, I just, I kinda like buy them and then sell them on eBay.

Well, you're a shock. Yeah, yeah. I overcharge the shit out of them. It works out great. Wow, there's a demand for that, for Japanese playing cards. Yeah, kinda. Okay, all right. What do you do for fun?

Honestly, I get really high and then walk through the park and get scared. That's kind of... Buzzer! That's good. At least you're walking and being real. That makes sense. Yeah, it's scary. There's a lot of people.

It is scary. What scares you? Just the idea of being seen and... Oh, no, just like basic human interaction terrifies this shit out of me. Do people say hi to you when you're at the park? Yeah, I just walk fast. Hell, yeah.

How old are you? I'm 28. 28. Absolutely. Selling Japanese cards, doing comedy, and being scared in the park. I love it. What's your love life like? Are you really dating a girl that has red flags?

I am. I have recently started dating a girl that's been fun. She's very sweet. How long have you been in this relationship? Four months. Four months. What does she do? She's a dog groomer.

A dog groomer? Yeah. Wow. Okay. The eye contact's freaking me the fuck out. I can't. Ah, shit. He's acknowledging my eyes tonight.

My emerald eyes as Joseph Paul Alampi called them. Whatever the fuck that means. Put your sunglasses on. They're so blue. They're so blue. They are so blue. They are blue. Shockingly, strikingly blue. Dude, he is shaking like he just shot a buck.

Ah! You think my eyes are scary now? Wait till you see me walking in the park at this hour. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Oh, yeah, I'm gonna find out what park you go to. No. And I'm just gonna walk around waiting for you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Oh, I hate every second of this. Oh. Oh, this show's so crazy. What a fucking difference one bucket pool makes from the next, huh? This guy's just being honest up there, saying he's scared. I don't know what to do with my hands, dude. I'm... Oh, fuck.

Nobody really does. If you figure it out, you let me know. It's... Yeah. Yeah. It is an interesting thing. You can grab the stand. You can put them behind your back.

You can... Yeah, that's good. Yeah, put them behind your back. Oh, that's powerful. Yeah, yeah, right. All right, cool. No one's rocking that one. I've been thinking about doing that. Wait, what?

I've been thinking about doing all my jugs like this. Hey, everybody, I'm from Australia. Bah, bah, bah, you know. A little teacup over there. That would be crazy. This one, if you're a gay or a woman, that's an option. Okay, yeah. I'm neither of those, but yeah, keep going.

All right. You could also hold the microphone. Oh, the two hands? Yeah. No, you can take it out of the microphones. We know, keep going. All right. You could also hold the microphone. Oh, the two hands? Yeah, that's, yeah. No, you can take it out of the microphone. We know, Red Band. We know that they can hold the microphone, Red Band. I love it.

So, Isaac Kane Brown, let me ask you. There's gotta be something, when you go to the park, you just walk with your shoes on and just fuckin', you just like stay on like a path. Do you cut through? Do you go on grass? You take a horse sometimes You have a little horse little mini at your pony I try to start on the trail, but then people keep walking by and I'm like, ah fuck they're looking at me

So I just I walk straight through the middle of the park as fast as I can to my uber Wow Absolutely incredible I just, I walk straight through the middle of the park as fast as I can to my Uber. Wow. Absolutely incredible. That is amazing to me. How about at nighttime? What do you do for fun at nighttime? Eat go-gurt. Honestly, I just try not to masturbate.

I love masturbating. Absolutely incredible. I wanna give that one a piece, Bob. I wanna celebrate that. I incredible. I want to give that one a fist bump. I want to celebrate that. You love it. Oh boy, if you get out there on the road as a stand-up comedian alone in those hotels, good luck, friend.

What do you like to masturbate to, Isaac Cain Brown? You're the kind of guy that looks like you like jerking off to like memories. Isaac Kane Brown, you're the kind of guy that looks like you like jerking off to, like, memories. No. No. I really just like the videos where the women are giving, like, words of encouragement. Ha ha ha.

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Stop. Stop. He's gonna come. You're gonna... Wow, there's a lot of white people here.

Is there one black guy here? Yes, of course there's a black guy. Look, there's one right there. Oh, do you guys count them as they come in? It's hard to see because they're in the dark. Oh, oh. Oh, wow, they're so close. Yeah.

Yes. Yes. So what kind of words of encouragement do these ladies say that you're into? Like what's one that you've heard? I've never even seen this before. I get that the good boy, that's pretty... Wow. Yeah, you know, I don't like this anymore. Wow. That is hard because they're telling you you're a good boy but you're doing a very dark and shameful thing.

Yeah. Then you feel really good and then you feel really bad. You're trapped. Yeah. It's very Catholic. James McCann, our senior Catholic correspondent. This man is speaking my lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. James McCann, our senior Catholic correspondent. This man is speaking my language. I understand. Well, Isaac Cain Brown, good news for you.

We're going to send you upstairs to go get seen by the talent booker of the comedy mothership at Amiga right now. And you get a big joke bug. Oh, Jesus Christ. That has to be your worst nightmare. I'd love to have you on the secret show too. And you get to do the secret show on Thursday. Yeah, you go that way.

What other way would there be? It's like this way? It's way towards where I came from. All right, so there you go. That's the two extremes of what can happen here on Kill Tony. It's basically the show's over. We just have to kill time for another hour and a half.

But between those two guys, that's what the show is. Some of it's fucking absolute hot diggity dog shit and we talk to those people. And some of them are just naturally funny. We'll see what happens next. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Chado everybody. Chado. Thanks guys I really needed that. It's been a rough week. My son, he came out to me as trans this week. He said, Dad, I think I'd be happier if I was a woman. I said, Son, I've

never met a happy woman. I almost recently died also the last couple weeks. I woke up in the hospital. My wife was next to me crying. I thought, well, this is the woman who's been there for me. I finally got somebody, you know, I can be there for and trust. And she's like, Chad, please don't die. I can't get Hulu on the TV. I have these, we have a lot of animals, on the TV. Yeah.

I have these, we have a lot of animals, but I have this one little girl dog who keeps getting out of the fence every time I put her in the backyard. And every time she does, she gets fucking pregnant. Yeah. So I've been putting a little plan B in her dog food. Yeah.

I used to wake up and step in dog shit and be like really mad. Now I wake up in the middle of the night and step in something. I'm like, God, I hope that's dog shit. That's a public persona joke. Chad-O. Thank you. There you go. Welcome, Chad-O. You've been on this show before.

Yeah, it's been a while, but yeah. I feel like there's a huge improvement since the last time you were on this show. Am I correct? Do you feel that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Huge. Have you been working hard? Oh Oh yeah. You know, at least five nights a week, you know. Yeah, five nights a week. And when's the last time you were on the show? I was September 11th, 23. Wow. That's, if I remember you were so bad, it's one of the worst things that ever happened on September 11th. This is proof. I remember. I remember looking at your face and body and being like, this guy's bad. So it's just... it just goes to show.

Who knows? A few years from now, Joseph Paul O'Lampy could come back up here and crush. And I'll be like, didn't you once suck up here? Wow. I appreciate you saying I crushed. That's cool, man. Thank you. Okay. All right. Chado, how old are you? Uh, 40... I'll be saying I crush. That's cool man. Thank you. Okay. All right. Chado, how old are you?

40. I'll be 44 this year. And how long have you been on stand-up? Three years now. Right. And what do you do for work? I own a cannabis college. A cannabis college? Yeah. Explain to us what that is.

I teach people how to work in the cannabis industry. Like, you know, good bartenders, which they should know to recommend for certain elements etc you look like you would be good at that job thank you thank you professor professor of cannabis college I'm a professor okay but that kills at the cannabis college it does some higher education am I right everybody come on now come on everybody come on now everybody I love it how do you start a cannabis college? Can anybody do that? Yeah, there's no record. A website, just a lot of marketing. Yeah. Yeah. A good,

clear website. An easy to spell, easy to know website. Nothing like the way to get tickets for James McCann's USA tour, in which you would have to go to JDFMcCann, with two N's, dot com. That's his website that he was able to... Two C's as well. That's right. We're working on it.

M-C-C-A-N-N. But it's JDF. Not James McCann. Not James McCann comedy. JDF, so you can just guess 10,000 times. Once again, that's JDF McCann, not James McCann comedy. JDF, so you could just guess 10,000 times. Once again, that's JDFMcCann, M-double-C-A-double-N, dot com, and then you have to click a couple things

to get to the tickets. Yeah, but once you get there, it's great. Yes. Chaddow, what do you do for fun? I just publish a novel, a little psychological thriller. Okay, what's it about? It's about a female serial killer. She's got OCD, but she gets her relief through her victims, you know.

Okay, so how does it end? She walks away. She just walks away. Don't they all? That's the happy ending to your novel is that the serial killer finds inner peace and doesn't have to kill her. It's told from her point of view, so you see her a whole life go through it, and you kind of want her to walk away from this point. Yeah, because she's killing innocent people.

Yeah, yeah. Is she killing innocent people, or is there a specific type that she's killing? Who doesn't deserve to fucking die at this point, right? Well, all right. I absolutely agree. He looks a lot like my dad, I really just have to say that. Really? He's fucking weird, yeah.

I bet all I have dad dick. No, that's not what I was saying. Wow. Look at this duo. Facially looks like your dad. Yeah, kind of. You also look like adult rock. But, um... Adult rock, as in the wrestler?

I meant kid rock if he aged. Oh, yeah. Thank you. Yes. But he does look like my dad, it's weird. Well... Do you play music or anything? No, I just don't like this.

You just look like that. You just always look like that. Yeah. And you can't play a single goddamn instrument. I was prophesied that I was gonna be a musician growing up in churches, so I tried every fucking thing. I am not musically talented at all. God was wrong on that one.

Okay. And you have a girlfriend, Chad? I've been married 25 years. You're married 25 years. What does she do for a living? Uh, now she, uh, she takes calls on, for UPS. Or, uh, U-Haul. U-Haul. Sorry. Okay. Same thing, yeah.

How do you keep things interesting in the bedroom? 25 years. How often are you guys having sex? Once a month, once a week, once a week? Couple times a week still. Okay. How does that go? Is it normally at night, in the morning? Usually in the morning. I'm kind of worn out at night. how does that go? Is it normally at night, in the morning? Usually in the morning.

I'm kind of worn out at night. I'm usually doing mics and shit. She's, you know. I get it. She's asleep. So what's your move? You just, when she's asleep. I close the door and lock it.

And that's it. She can't get out. We're fucking. Okay, that's great ladies and gentlemen. We just had a rape confession here. Cause you got kids who are gonna be at dinner. But they're adult kids, but they still live at home. So it's kind of fucking-

How adult are they? In their 20s, yeah. And how many still live at home? Well, my daughter just moved in with her grandma, but my son still lives in his room. How old's your son? He's 23. What's he doing with his life?

Fucking nothing. What do you mean fucking nothing? You should fuck your wife louder. Yeah. That's what it takes. Instead of locking the door, you should leave it open. Yeah. Me sucking, sucking.

That should get him, Jesus Christ. That should get him out of there. I agree. Either that or he's gonna come and start jerking off, right? He's out of the room watching Mom and Dad go at it. He's got pretty good bits. Let me use that. He sounds like a real do-nothing.

Does he have a job? He just... he got recently fired from Pinballs. But... How did he get fired from Pinballs? What did he have to do? He was going to the bathroom too much. It was... He was hiding out in the bathroom.

Right. Yeah. Okay, so what's he going to do now? In his defense, he has to jerk off every time he hears a click. I've been taking him to a lot of interviews. He's kind of visually impaired, so I have to drive him around. Visually impaired? Yeah, yeah.

What's wrong with his eyesight? He's got a few things. He's got the shaky eye thing, and he's got the degenerative thing where he can't say it's losing his eyesight. He draws really good comics right now. Have you thought about teaching him how to play bass guitar? Yeah. Yeah. But my talent has passed on.

Yeah. Right. Okay. And the daughter lives with your grandma now? Yeah, she couldn't put up with our shit because we were too strict. So she moved in with grandma. So she's living with grandma, getting banged out by black dudes at grandma's house. Yeah. Is that pretty much what's going on, you think?

No, she had a bad relationship here, and that's why she moved there, get away from that shit. Where does grandma live? Grandma lives in Oklahoma. Wow, so she's kind of out there in the middle of nowhere. Yeah, yeah, she's, yeah. You guys are worse than Oklahoma? Yeah, yeah.

I need to look after my daughter. I'm going to send her to the teen pregnancy capital of the world. I actually love Oklahoma. That's where we're from, yeah. Yeah. Tulsa, man? Oklahoma City. That's where I grew up.

Also, I'm done with, that's all I know now about Oklahoma. Tulsa, yeah, yeah. That's a place called Tulsa in Oklahoma. When you don't know. All right, I'm trying. Are you Indian? No, just the hair. Okay.

You don't have to, like, if you don't know. You're very good at your job. Yes, I know, yeah, you don't have to just make noise. I mean, Red Band gets away with it every week, but you don't have to just, if you don't, if you don't have like a thing, you don't have to do anything. Last time you were on, you got a little joke book?

I did. Well, guess what, Chaddo? Yeah, woo! This week, this time, you're leaving with a big joke book. Thank you, guys, yeah. There he goes, Chaddo, everyone. We're having fun. Look at this, the episode. Hello, this podcast is sponsored by VIA.

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That's code Tony to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup. Prize picks, run your game. We're moving on. Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Zack Hollis, everyone. Okay, there's Heidi again. There's Heidi.

Here comes Zack Hollis, everyone. The other day, my smartwatch notified me that I was having a fantastic workout. I was taking a shit. I don't think I could ever have a normal job, because every time I tighten that tie, my dick gets hard. I've been getting into BDSM lately, or at least that's what my girl tells the cops.

Sometimes I fantasize about orgies, so they don't let me near schools anymore. I think I'm pretty good at flirting, but it's hard to tell between all their muffled screams, you know? I don't like to waste leftovers, so I always eat the fetus afterwards. You know? I don't like to waste leftovers, so I always eat the fetus afterwards.

Why do people fantasize about having a zombie apocalypse? You could eat people right now. Like, you don't have to wait, man. All right, I think that's probably about my time. Just a bunch of creepy bullshit. I know, I'm sorry. Wow. It's really frightening, Kim Congdon.

I've never seen a comedian do nun liners. Yeah. It's almost impressive. It's a lot of good topics, a lot of good premises, and just a bunch of like... You know, it's a short amount of time, so I was really trying to squeeze what I could in there. Yeah, you did. Yeah, it's not much, I give it. It is a short amount of time, so I was really trying to squeeze what I could in there. Yeah, you did.

Yeah, it's not much, I give it. It is the same amount of time that everybody's always gotten on the show. Okay, how long have you been doing stand-up? About two years now. Where at? All around town, Roscoe's, Kickbutt's. So, Austin is the answer. What do you do for work?

Right now, I'm a karaoke DJ on the weekends. Ooh, a karaoke DJ. Tell us about that. What is that like? Oh, it's awful. Man, they're always trying to skip the line, bullshit around. Yeah. Do they offer you money?

Every week, yeah. They try to bribe the Roy on stage. The worst excuse I've had was, I'm dying of cancer. Wow. Did you let them cut the line? No, of course not. Do you remember what song they wanted to do? No, it was a while ago.

Okay, well, very incredible stuff. Karaoke DJ. Nothing else about it? I mean, I'm doing DoorDash on the weekends, or I'm doing DoorDash in between doing DJ stuff, but really I'm... When you say you're doing DoorDash, does that mean you're ordering it, clearly? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, as much as I can,, but really I'm... When you say you're doing door dashes, I mean, you're ordering it, clearly? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, as much as I can, you know, I'm broke.

What do you like to eat? You are shaped a specific way. I mean, I love a good burger, you know? That's always nice. You are shaped like a bee. Yeah. They used to call me a bear in college because I'm so damn hairy.

Okay. All right. Not in a good gay way, just, you know, insulting. I was going to say, I don't think that's what that means. What do you do for fun, Zach? For fun? I'm big into video games. Yeah, I'm addicted to them. I love it. Yeah? What video games? I'm playing a new one, Claire Obscure,

that came out this week. It's amazing. What's that like? What do you do on that game? It's an RPG. It's turn-based. It's a big budget story. It's really nice. I like it a lot. Mmm. So interesting. What's your love life like?

My love life? Me and my girl bought a house about four months ago. Okay. Nice. Headed towards marriage eventually. We'll see. I love it. How can you afford a house? Who the hell knows? I worked hard before that, but now I'm trying to get into comedy, so, you know. What can you afford a house? Who the hell knows? I worked hard before that, but now I'm trying to get into comedy. What did you do before that?

I used to repair restaurants. Okay. Worked with power tools. Alright. Nice. And you saved money doing that? Yeah, a good bit, yeah. And now you have a house. Yeah. One bedroom, two bedroom?

It's a three bedroom? Three bedroom. Wow, incredible. Absolutely amazing. Where do you do with all those bedrooms? Shh, I mean got my computer in one got the dogs in the other and then we stay in the last one, you know Computer in one dogs in the other how many dogs do you have? We have two. Yeah, okay What do they do in that room? Mostly shit on the floor. Yeah Wow. Okay bunch of disgusting fucks today so far shit on the floor. Yeah. Wow. Okay. Bunch of disgusting fucks today so far. Pulled out of the bucket. This is incredible. Just people, fucking girls whose places smell like cat piss. There's guys with floors filled with shit. Yeah well he's not walking them. No, I mean that's that's fair. Yeah.

My goodness. So Zach, what's your house payment like? Oh, it's pretty bad. It's like 2,000 before bills and everything on top of that. 2,000 before bills. How much money do you have? Shh, not enough. I'll tell you that much. It's getting scary quick.

Give us a ballpark. Maybe like 10K in the bank. I don't know. 10K in the bank. We're going at 2K a month. How much money is the wife making? Honestly, I'm not sure. I've never asked her that direct question. She's definitely the breadwinner right now. Well, you look like the bread eater. Yeah, I am.

My goodness. And what does she do again? She works for a nursing certification board, so she certifies nurses. So that's like a real job. Yeah, apparently. And she's fully supportive of you chasing your dreams. She loves it, yeah. She's super excited for it. Does she come to your shows sometimes? When work and afford obviously our schedules don't really align. And how long have you been with her?

Like three, four years now. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? They're probably not, honestly. How often are you guys having sex? I don't know, maybe like three times a week, maybe? Three times a week, that's pretty good for a guy built like you. Yeah.

What does she do that turns you on? You into something specific? She likes to insult me a lot and beat me down. Oh, hell yeah. Looks like I could and beat me down. Yeah. Oh, hell yeah. Looks like I could fuck you very easily. Yeah. All right. Well, what is it?

Zach Hollis. Yeah. Congratulations, buddy. Thanks, man. There's a little joke book. Next time I would say take your time and fucking pick your favorite jokes and commit to them. Instead of rushing through it. There goes Zach Hollis, everybody.

Starting a little fire during the show here. Little tiny fire. Little tiny fire on KilToni. All right. Let's get another bucket pull up here. This looks like an interesting name. You guys having fun out there? Let's meet another one.

This one goes by the name of Tommy Tickles, everybody. Tommy Tickles. Hey, we know Tommy. It's the return of Tommy Tickles, everybody. They say that opposites attract. If opposites really did attract, then my wife really wouldn't have a penis. I'm always broke, looking for new ways to make money. Last week I took an ad out in the back of a men's magazine offering $50 blowjobs.

Now I just got to get my wife on board. I've written several books, nine different ways to skin a cat. You got to skin it if you're going to eat it. I've been married 13 years. And the next book I wrote, I dedicated to my wife. 101 Ways to Kill Your Wife. That book was quickly followed by a sequel,

101 Things to Do in Prison. 101 things to do in prison. Yeah. Okay, Tommy Tickles. Look at you. You're back. I remember you. Yes, sir. I came back here right at Christmas time. I remember you. How could I forget you? You're like a little fucking, you're like a mouse.

Well, you're adorable. I'm a farmer and rancher. Yeah, you're a farmer and'm a farmer and rancher. Yeah, you're a farmer and a rancher. And where is that again? Other side of Fredericksburg, about two and a half hours away. Okay, and you have your own little property out there. That's right.

Hell yeah, look at me, such a little. If anybody needs to bury your body, my Instagram account is TommyTickles2025. Okay, TommyTickles, 2025. This guy's trying to make money, disposing of bodies live here on Keltoni. I'm trying to start a pet cemetery. Okay, wow, everybody tonight

is frightening out of the bucket. I don't know if anybody's keeping track of that. I'm pretty sure that everyone pulled out of the bucket tonight has made a joke about eating either humans or an animal. Dude, don't ever make me sit on the end again. Yeah. It's, uh... Scary. It's okay.

Tommy will just bury you on his property for $50. That's all. What is there to be scared of? If you have a pet, then you need to bury a pet? I'm less scared of the murder and more scared of the tickles, to be honest. That's not true. Tommy Tickles. If your pet's not dead yet,

I'll knock 50 bucks off if you let me kill it. Wow. Oh, my God. Tommy, you're a wild boy. Tommy Tickles, how old are you? I'm 50. 50 years old. 50. Take note that Tommy is the same age as the first comedian that... You never stop dreaming.

Oh, and you, your red band's also 50. Tommy Tickles, absolutely incredible. I'm looking better. Yeah, you're looking good, Tommy Tickles. You're in good shape. Last time you let me roast you. I did? Hell, you ready? Okay, yes, go ahead, Tommy Tickles.

I'm ready for more Tommy Tickles. Phew. Ranker.com recently listed... Hold on, wait, wait, wait. What is that? You're about to find out. Oh, okay, go ahead, Tommy. Ranker.com just listed, ranked its top comedians of all time.

Ron White was ranked at number 14. Joe Rogan came in at number 89. Tony Hinscliffe comes in his pants every time he sees Ron White and Joe Rogan. That's a very good one, Tommy Tickles. That's very good. That's every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I come in my pants when I see two of my good friends,

Ron White and Joe Rogan. You're... Give me another one, Tommy. Roast me, buddy. You're Snow White's eighth dwarf. Okay, I'm five-nine, but all right, Tommy. I guess I'm a fucking dwarf, even though I'm taller than you, you old f***.

Jesus Christ. Piece of shit. You're a very good looking guy. Some might say you're easy on the eyes. Yeah, emerald eyes. Because there's no eyes in the word, because there's no eyes in the word f***. Okay, very good. That's two f***s sweet. We literally by the way, it's funny. We have a new job

We had to make today. We don't know people now a fun fact about the backbone behind the scenes of kill Tony We don't really reveal stuff often But we have to we had to hire two people to keep track of every time we say the word on the show Because if we accidentally miss it and it goes on YouTube, it gets completely demonetized, therefore wasting an unbelievable amount of money. Who are these f***s working at YouTube? I don't like that. That's right.

It turns out it's a computer now. They have a computer, and it takes us two humans to compete with their computer because somehow they will find a... in an episode. There's nothing you could do to hide... All right. You also have a very nasal voice.

Uh-oh. Like, when you get stuck in traffic, they call it nasal congestion. Okay, there you go. Tommy, I swear to God, you make fun of me one more time, I'm gonna fuck the shit out of you. Okay, here we go. Tommy, you live out in the country,

what's some crazy shit that goes on out there? Like, you ever have someone like fucking run out of fuel and come up and like, or anything, like knock on your door? You have guns? Oh yeah, uh-huh, yeah. I love country people. I love it. How many guns do you have, Tommy? Oh, I don't count.

A lot of them were inherited, you know, like passed down. So we just have, you know, guns for just doing what guns are supposed to be used for, you know. Yeah. What do you use the guns for? If you need your pet killed, you go to Tommy Tickles, 2025.

Are you out there killing pets? When's the last time you killed a pet? No, I don't kill pets. Uh... He killed pets. Do you have any pets? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. What kind of pets do you have?

I've got a boxer dog, a great white Pyrenees, the, uh, yeah. What kind of pets do you have? I've got a boxer dog, a great white Pyrenees. We've got llamas. Three black eyes. Oh. What do you do with the llamas? What do they do? They protect sheep and goats from coyotes. Wow.

So if a coyote comes, a llama, what does the llama do? They'll chase them off like a... They chase off... Coyotes are scared of llamas. Yeah. Yeah. Can't a coyote kind of fuck up a llama? No? Yeah. Yeah, I guess so.

The size intimidates them, huh? If they ganged up on them, he could. But normally, the best thing about a llama is the scent that they put off. So it kind of smells like a horse or a mule, and coyotes don't like that either. So just having them around protects the babies from even other critters like raccoons and fox.

Wow, I could just hear them talk about this shit forever. We just had a baby llama. Wow, it's incredible. Tell us more what it's like out there on the ranch of Tommy Tickles. What else could one expect if we... Tickle ranch? Ew.

If we drove up on your property, what would be some things that we saw or would recognize out there? It looks like a circus. There's just a mass of chickens, and we bottle-baby a lot of animals that come in from other ranches, and, you know, if they have a problem,

they can bring it to us, and, you know, we've got a few tricks to where we can, you know, keep the have a problem, they can bring it to us, and, you know, we've got a few tricks to where we can, you know, keep the babies alive. Oh, my God. And so, there's right now my wife's bottle-baby, bottle-feeding 19 different little baby goats and sheep. 19 baby goats and sheep? Oh, my God.

It's a full-time job. This chick is dripping. Lots of bottles. This is absolutely incredible. And now they think that they are your best friend. And they kind of think that they're human. And my wife is about the same way. She treats them way better than she treats me. Hey.

Look at the... She's fucking them. Look at the smile on your face. Always comes up. It's incredible. All these other people that we've pulled out of the bucket tonight up here trying to keep it together. They seem so stressed out. And then Tommy tickles, drives off, It always comes up. It's incredible. All these other people that we've pulled out of the bucket tonight up here trying to keep

it together. They seem so stressed out. And then Tommy Tickles drives out from the countryside having the time of his life, happy to be here. Yeah. What kind of, what kind of, what kind of, what you got to look, you got like an old timey pickup truck, don't you? I know.

All right. Well, what is it? Chevy Silverado 2500.? I know. Oh. All right, well, what is it? Chevy Silverado 2500. Oh, wow. Okay. So yeah, because you use it for shit, right? You put haystacks in it and whatnot? Hay and heavy equipment.

I know a lot about ranching. Yeah. Sometimes you got to throw a haystack in the old pickup truck, you know? Red Band knows a lot about blue cheezin'. That's true. That's a salad dressing joke. Ranch and blue cheese.

You shouldn't really record all this stuff that's going on in your ranch though. Like that's so popular on TikTok and YouTube. Have you ever thought about- You're gonna make a lot of money. I do my stand-up set in front of my little vocal- I mean the animals. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

Absolutely, no, I'm- No, no, you're doing stand-up mean the animals. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Absolutely. No, I'm... Hold on. You're doing stand-up to the gods? Yeah, yeah. No shit. You're doing kid-friendly stand-up on the TikTok? My goat ate my homework, really. It ate half my notes one day.

Really? Some really good jokes. What's that goat's name? Clownface. Clownface. Clownface. Oh, my God. This guy's adorable. I would watch your reality show.

Oh, yeah, no, it's a circus. It's worth watching if I ever get around to it, sure. Wow. This is absolutely incredible. What were you about to say just then? You and Red Band remind me of IHOP's signature dish. Rooty-tooty, fresh and fruity. Okay.

You know what, here I am being nice. I'm being a nice guy, saying I'm nor interested in your life. I'd watch a reality show. And then here you are insulting me. I have watched your roasts on YouTube. Uh-huh. And there's nothing that I could say that would come close to how good, you know, you do your roasts, but you're also kind of evil.

So... I don't really feel bad about it. This is reputation of mine that people think. I help more people than any... I treat these bucket pools like you treat farm animals. I give them all a chance. Sometimes I fucking psychologically bottle feed them. Tommy, I've been asking people this question.

How long have you been with your wife? 13 years. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? Oh, she keeps things exciting. Okay. Give us... Yeah. Give us a little bit of that. What do you mean things exciting in the bedroom? Oh, she keeps things exciting. Okay, give us a little bit of that. What do you mean by that exactly? Sometimes I don't know if she's gonna cut me or fuck me. Psst, psst, psst.

I think she's the girl from his novel. She's exciting. So can you give us an example of a time in which you didn't know whether you were gonna get cut I think she's the girl from his novel. She's exciting. So can you give us an example of a time in which you didn't know whether you were gonna get cut or fucked? Like, what do you mean by that exactly? She storms in or something, or what happens exactly? Uh, she said something one day,

and we were sitting in the truck, and I said, oh, you want to drive? And I threw the keys in her direction, and it accidentally hit her, and she got out in the truck, and I said, oh, you want to drive? And I threw the keys in her direction and it accidentally hit her. And she got out of the truck and she started running away. And I was like, oh shit, I better catch her. So I was going to catch her, but she kept on running further and further away. And it's real soft there out there or whatever.

So I had to tackle her. Yeah. Yeah. She keyed my truck. And then it was all, it was better after that, you know? Not the domestic abuse at the tickle farm. Yeah. I thought it was going to end in you guys fucking. I didn't realize it was going to be a... Yeah, then things got exciting.

You guys had makeup sex right after that? Very passionate, this woman. I was like, I'm going to go to the bathroom. I didn't realize it was gonna be a... Yeah, then things got exciting. You guys had makeup sex right after that? Very passionate, this woman. Wow, was it in the truck or did you guys... No. You got back home?

At the circus, yeah. Right, absolutely. Wow. Hell yeah. Well, Tommy Tickles, the last time you were on, did you get a big joke book? Yes, I did. Would you sign it? Okay, yeah, I'll sign it. I'll sign you were on, did you get a big joke book? Yes, I did. Would you sign it?

Okay, yeah, I'll sign it. I'll sign it. Okay, yeah, I'll sign it. Do you want me to do it now? Yeah. Adorable. -♪ -♪ There you go, Tommy Tickles. That's for you, buddy. Congratulations. There you go, Tommy Tickles. That's for you, buddy.

Congratulations. There you go. Tommy Tickles, everybody. I bet he's an interesting follow. I want to see what's going on on that fucking ranch. I want to see with my own eyes. This podcast is sponsored by Bilt. Attention renters, if you haven't heard of Bilt,

you're about to thank me. Earn your favorite airline miles and hotel points through Bilt, just by paying your rent on time. Let me explain, there's no cost to join and just by paying rent, you unlock flexible points that can be transferred to your favorite hotels and airlines, a future rent payment, your next Lyft ride, and more.

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and take advantage of your neighborhood benefits by going to joinbilt.com slash Tony. That's J-O-I-N-B-I-L-T dot com slash Tony. Make sure to use our URL so they know we sent you. Hey what's up this is Joe from Pascass Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show. We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America. It was basically 45 days of hell or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and

allowed them to make the Viper. We've been doing this podcast for over five years now and there are still so many crazy stories. It amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out Pascass wherever you get your podcasts. Okay, we're gonna break things up here for a second

as I introduce one of the newest golden ticket winners on this show. I'm getting this guy on back to back weeks because he has to go back to Toronto and be a very Asian man in Toronto soon and he's gonna be there for months. So here he is before he leaves Austin, Texas with a brand new minute.

This is Kansai Yasuda. ["Kansai Yasuda"] ["Kansai Yasuda"] Thank you, thank you. Hi guys. I used to date with this girl, beautiful girl. And after we dated for one month, she dumped me. And I was devastated. I was sad.

Because she didn't tell me at least why. So I went up to Facebook and see what was going on in her life. Turns out she used to date with this huge black masculine man. And after dumping me, she's back with this huge same black masculine man again. And do you guys eat sushi? Do you guys know the reason Yeah. Do you guys eat, do you guys know there's a, the reason why there's a little ginger right next to sushi?

Yeah, it's a palate cleanser. Yeah. So this bitch using me for palate cleanser. Because she didn't even want to eat a big black tuna twice in a row. She had to eat pickled ginger peanuts in between. Thank you. Kansai Isuda. Hello.

Hi. Wow. Hi, Donnie. Hello, Kansai. Hello. One of my favorite interviewees in the history of the show. Hello. Hi. Wow. Hi, Tony. Hello, Kansai. Hello. One of my favorite interviewees in the history of the show. You're so stoic. You're so Asian.

Thank you. You're welcome. You've been in Austin for a couple weeks now. How's it been going for you? It's amazing. I got the, I'm living with a black roommate. You're living with a black roommate? Yeah.

Okay, what is that like for you? Well, he's wearing his clothes. You look like George Talkies. What? George Talkies. George Talkies. George Talkies. What do you think that means, Kansai? George Talkies.

If you get it right, I'll give you a million dollars. George Talkies. Kim, you idiot. I just offered him a million dollars. Silly bitch. Just out here like explaining many words. Black man. That is correct. Black man.

Black man. There you go. You just won a million dollars. Yes. Okay. Thank you. So what's it like having a black roommate? It's a... It's... It's very new culture to me. Yeah. Explain exactly what you mean.

What is different about the black culture than what you're used to in both Canada and Japan? Whoooooooo! It's a... He, every day he chase, he wanna chase hoes. Chases what? Chases, chase hoes. That's, that's. Hoes. Hoes.

Hoes. Hoes. Hoes. Hoes. Hoes. Hoes. Heose. Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose.

Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose.

Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose. Hose.

Hose. Hose. Hose. There's so much noise. I go out, I just go outside and then go to library or like, you know, just go to coffee shop and then write. Write. Write. See, a Japanese man knows he doesn't have to chase the hose, you know? You stand next to them on public transport and you grab. That's the... I know, it's a beautiful part of your culture. Yes.

You're a big fan. We tap that ass, you know? In a train. So you had a black roommate, but now you're about to head back to Canada this week, am I correct? Yes. So what is he going to do now that his roommate is leaving? He's going to chase some holes again. Right.

Yeah, but how's he going... Are you helping pay rent? Oh, no, no. He was... He's just letting me stay, so... Yeah. Really? Yeah. All right.

Wow. This is Trump's America, everybody, to where young black men can support having an immigrant on their couch. Who would have thought the economy would be so good, so fast? Me, I did. I thought that was gonna go. All right.

Kansai Yasuda, give us something else. What have you been doing for fun here in Austin? We know that you're working hard. We know that you do a lot of spots. You're a draw. People are booking you on their shows, especially since you have this new, Kill Tony fame, The Bump.

The Bump. The Bump. Hans Kim took me to his tour. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Look at that. Yeah. Uh-huh. We went to, I went to his house.

Oh. Yeah. And two fat cat, he had. Yeah, what? Two fat cat. Two fat cat? Yeah. Uh-huh. One's really gay.

Very good. OK. And then. Uh-huh. So what did you guys do with the two fat cat? Just tried to not eat them the entire time? Pup, pup, pup. It was difficult. Pup, pup, pup.

But yeah, that was, he had two fat cat, and then we pray Mario Brothers. Ah, God, that is so Asian. Just two Asian guys playing Mario, playing Nintendo. Oh, you like a Nintendo too? Yeah, I like a Nintendo. Oh, there's a Fatacata. Fatacata and Nintendo.

Who you going to be? I'll be a Luigi. I'm going to be the princess. Oh, I'm going to switch. I'm going to be a toadstool. What character are you on Mario? Waluigi. Waluigi. Ah, very good.

Waluigi. Waluigi. Wow, why do you go with Waluigi? Well, it's... Yeah. It is... Waluigi looks like... Waluigi looks like Tony a little bit. Oh, are you making fun of me?

Everyone's taking shots. All I do is help everybody, and everybody comes up, oh, this lady's shooting imaginary guns at me. This lady in the front row is like, what the fuck is going on here Shut the fuck up. Now you want to cheer.

All right. Kansai Yasuda, we're going to miss you so much. Have you guys seen Kansai around town? I've never seen you before. I think you're great. He really is. I've seen a few of them. A few? I'm sorry.

Are you excited to go back home to Toronto and sit around and eat ramen every day? I want to eat ramen every day here. You eat ramen every day here too? I eat ramen, the Korean ramen. The Korean ramen? Yeah, I cook it with my black friend. Whoa.

Yeah. What's in the ramen? Sausage and uh... Sausage? Sausage. Sausage. Sausage? Wow, I lived 40 fucking years. I never heard it called that.

Sausage. God damn. That is fucking sausage. Sausage. Wow. Sausage. Sausage. Sausage. Try it like this. Try it like this. Go, Sausage. Sausage. Sausage. Try it like this. Try it like this. Go, sausage.

I eat sausage. Ha ha ha. I love sausage. I love ramen. Sidge. Sausage. Try sage. I love sage.

Just say sage. Sage. Sage. Sage. No, no. No, you don't have to make it Italian. You don't have to make it Italian. Just because I extra Asian everything with you doesn't mean you need to Italian it with me.

So try this. Just watch me. Watch me. Go sage. Sage. Now go. Now go sausage. Sausage.

Nah, you're still a little sage. You're trying to make it an A. Let's stick with an I here, even though Sausage. Nah, it's still a little sage. You're trying to make it an A. Let's stick with an I here, even though it is an A in a U, but it sounds like an I. Sausage. No, no, not sausage. Sausage. Let's try it one more time.

Watch me, watch me. Sidge, sage, sausage. Sausage. Do it, do it. The noise at the end. Sausage, yeah. No, just, what a kind of... So Asian. Sausage. Sausage. Do it, do it. The noise at the end. Sausage. Sausage.

Sausage. So Asian. Sausage. He can't, he can't. His eyes are getting smaller. Sausage. It's hard. Okay, let's try it in a full sentence.

Waluigi ate lots of sausage. Waluigi ate a lot of sausage. God damn it, Kansai Yasuda. Sausage. Very easy. A lot of sausage. God damn it, Kansai Yasuda. We love you, Kansai. You're killing it. Enjoy Canada. We'll see you soon.

Thank you. One of the top Young Rising stars on the show. That is indeed Kansai Yasuda, ladies and gentlemen. All right. We're going to keep what? Yeah, he's great. Right? Yeah, we love him. We love Kansai Yas gentlemen. All right. We're going to keep what? Yeah, he's great. Yeah, we love him. We love Kansai Yasuda.

All right. Your next bucket poll. This looks like a new name. 60 seconds uninterrupted. Going to Alex Tartune. Alex Tartune. So I'm not transgender right now, but I am thinking about it.

So I might be a translator. I'm actually kind of odd. I'm odd like an eight ball. I'm even, black. I'm even black. I got this odd problem I'm trying to figure out. So there's three planes that depart from a Boston airport within a 20-minute window

and collide with a building each. Now, if X represents the plane that hit the Pentagon, I'm trying to solve for why the government won't show me the footage. 20 years, still figuring it out, you know. Thank you. Thank you very much. 58 seconds from Alex Tarchoon. Am I saying that correctly? Tarchun? Tarshun. Tarshun.

Okay, what ethnicity are you exactly? I'm African and Italian. Wow. A lot of Sicilian in there, too. Okay. All right. African and Italian. That's the accent the last guy was doing. It was great.

What do you mean? Sausage. Sausage. Sausage. That was great. What do you mean? Sausage. Sausage. Sausage. Sausage. Alex, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? About 11 years.

Wow. 11 years. Where at? Mostly New York. Okay. A little bit of Portland. Didn't work out well. Right.

Okay. How did you end up in New York? Is that where you're from? Oh yeah, I'm from Westchester. Okay. A little bit of Portland, didn't work out well. Right, okay. How did you end up in New York? Is that where you're from? Oh yeah, I'm from Westchester. Okay, all right. And do you live here now? Mm-hmm, yep. What made you move here? This, baby.

Okay, baby? Jesus Christ. Close eyes, dude. It's just the old emerald eyes of Tony Hinchcliffe. That's my new nickname, emerald eyes. Okay, look at you. I mean, holy shit. You look like you would be the first pick

in the garbage man draft. It is just incredible what's happening here. Well, you know what? I've been trying to sign up for a while, and I keep trying different things. Like, I actually just gave up on socks completely. Hold on a second. I'm gonna need a second here, everybody.

You're saying that you've been signing up for the show for a while, and you haven't been getting pulled randomly out of the bucket. And you think that doing different things, for example, not wearing socks, would help make you lucky enough to get pulled out of the bucket. Well, I kept wearing like, I kept wearing like pants and like clothes and stuff and I was like,

you know what, it's not working. You can't argue with results. This man is here. The system works. There's gonna be fucking 65 people that stop wearing socks next week because of this fucking moment right here. Wow.

What are some other things that you did to help you? How many weeks have you signed up? This is a question that I always wanted to ask people more. I should do it. It's been about like 20 months. 20 months in a row. And every Monday you sign up and you don't get pulled out of the bucket.

And then this is the first week that you go, what the fuck can I do to get out of there? I'm going to stop wearing socks and look at you now. Wow. Do you always wear the do-rag on your head? Yeah, I usually like to wear a hat for like that big, like, I'm black reveal. You know? We can see your hair.

Thank you, thank you. It is incredible, because you don't really seem black or Italian. I guess when black's an Italian's mate, it just comes out Persian Prince or something like that. His smoke detector just goes off whenever he makes spaghetti. Ha ha ha. I'm actually second generation inbred. Explain to us exactly what you mean.

All right, so I don't know if you can see it from here, but I got this mini pinky. Oh, yes, we can... I got one of those minis. I'm gonna warn people before that happens. D-Madness saw that little pinky. That is unbelievable. That is the most random thing to say. He's like, well, I don't know if you could see it from there,

but I have a very tiny pinky. It's like a blatant thing. Anybody from any distance can notice that you have a shockingly small pinky. That is amazing. I love the presentation of your small pinky, and you're saying that this is because family members above you, your ancestors, were fucking one another?

Yeah, so like my dad's parents were related, but like not my parents. Is that the black or the Italian side? No, on the black side. What? Bacon soda! No. What?

Well, technically most Sicilians are kind of, you know, cause it's an island, you know, so it's a lot of, you know. I, all I, my only problem is the pinky. Trust me, it's just the pinky. Oh. Very suspicious. I don't think anyone's believing that. Now that you say it, no one's believing it.

So are there, do you have brothers and sisters? Four. Four, three brothers, one sister. I think I ate dogs too. Do they have some things wrong with them? Uh, my younger brother's on steroids. Uh... That's not, that's not, that's not... He's trying to grow his pinky.

Yeah. Yeah. Uh... Do they have anything wrong with them? Just ones on steroids? What is he doing? Why is he on steroids? Well, he's got, like, body dysmorphia. Uh-huh.

And he thinks, like, he thinks that's gonna win his, you know, his girlfriend back or something. Ooh, wow. That is a ruthless thing to say on the show. Do you and your brother not get along? No, we're good friends. Okay. Hell yeah. You got anything you'd like to say about people you don't like?

Um, you know... Okay. Hell yeah. You got anything you'd like to say about people you don't like? Um, you know... I got, uh, my best friends Adam J. And then Andrew Garino. Just want to shout them out. Love those guys. Don't do that. Sorry. Don't do that. We're gonna bleep those out.

I promise them. Because we bleep f*****s on this show now. It's a full... What are we at, seven? Nine if we count your little buddies. All right, Alex Tachun. I got eight dogs too. You have eight dogs? Yep.

What, what? What? You live here? Yeah. By yourself? Yeah. And you have eight dogs. Are they all outside?

No, they're indoors. You have eight indoor dogs. Okay. If you wanna get dogs. Are they all outside? No, they're indoors. You have eight indoor dogs. OK. If you want to get rid of them, and you have them, I know a farmer. Oh, OK. All right. That is true.

Tommy Tickles, you just inherited eight new dogs. Why do you have eight dogs? Explain to us how this happened. So the crazy thing is I just left my two dogs alone for a while. And then they just like, I just left my two dogs alone for a while. And then they just like... I thought my little dog was just getting fat. Do the new dogs, do they all have tiny pinkies?

No, they're great, though. They're cool. They're really sweet. So you left your two dogs alone, unneutered, unspayed, they fucked. Did some of the puppies die? No, I got all of them, all six. Wow. So now, how long ago did that happen? About almost seven weeks.

Seven weeks. So you have seven week old puppies? Yeah, it's pretty sweet. You're just keeping them? You're gonna keep them. So I have to get, like, emotional services. I get, like, a doctor's note for eight dogs because you can't have more than, like, you can't have more than, like, five dogs in Austin.

So you... Go ahead, James McKay. Wait, you can't have more than like five dogs in Austin. So you... Go ahead, James McKay. What, you're going to try and take eight emotional support dogs on a jet? What are you talking about? Have you seen this guy's pinky? He needs it. He's got to nibble down the rest of the fingers with wild dogs.

You need the government to approve having more than five dogs. Yeah, or you need to have a barn. Trump's going to ship these things to El Salvador. That's what's going on. This is a new era we're living in, buddy. No breaking the rules with this new federal government. What kind of dogs are they?

Mostly pit bull. All right, that's the black side. That is. I know what he's doing with these eight dogs, okay? So you're teaching them how to fight? Well, one of them bit the other one's tail today, so apparently it's something called littermate syndrome, where, like, they're just automatically

gonna start fighting, because they're not normally, like... Normally people don't keep their dogs together like that, so... You don't even need to train them. Look at that. You start filming it for TikTok, you make the ultimate fighter, but for dogs, you see which one's got some fight in it,

that's the one you keep, you send the rest to the farm. Are you proud of the one that bit the other one? Is that your favorite one now? My favorite one's Porky. Okay. Why is- His wife. Why is Porky your favorite? Porky was the only brown one. Everyone else is black.

You know? Okay. Uh, some weird racism. I guess you can get away with it. 50% of the time. Yeah, it's, uh... The hard part about my blackness is, like, nobody believes me. Right. I agree. I could see why.

Yeah. It makes sense. What do you do for work? I do Jet's pizza delivery on South Lamar. Wow. You were expecting the crowd to go wild. Red Band, you've tried this pizza? It's my favorite pizza. Really? Yeah.

Wow. You got to get the crust with all this shit on it. We're giving away free pizzas. How are you doing that? Explain to us. I talked to my boss. He said if Oh, yeah. We're giving away free pizzas. How are you doing that? Explain to us what, how? I talked to my boss. He said if I got on, we could give away free pizzas. Okay, to, what's the,

normally when someone comes up with a promotion plan like that, they would say where or when the free pizzas would happen. If you don't wear socks. Psst. Just show up to South Lamar Jets Pizza and ask for a big win. Is that you? That's my boss, Mr. Wynn. Wow.

Now, what do you think this guy's going to do when he gets absolutely overwhelmed with people saying, hey, I'm here from the Kill Tony guy. He said that I'd get a free pizza. What do you think's gonna happen? I'm just hoping for a big delivery, a lot of tips.

Hell, yeah. By tip you mean to your finger? Well, personally, I'm going off the rails, I'm losing it. You're doing just fine, you're doing great. On paper you are the best interviewer ever. You're a black Italian cripple with too many dogs. There's... It's true.

I take the stats here. I got it written down here. Tarsun, I spelled it, I misspelled it how it's pronounced. 11 years, African Italian, New York, Westchester, little pinky. That's what I have written. I mean, you're chickening a lot of boxes. Eight dogs. So here's a big question for you.

All right, I specialize in different cultures and stereotypes. That's my bread and butter. And now, I happen to know for a fact, a half-black, half-Italian is someone that loves women. Yeah. You do. The problem. It's a problem Yeah. You do. The problem.

It's a problem. Let's talk about that problem. Go ahead. Tell us why it's a problem, how it's a problem, some things that have come up in your life. You have eight dogs that you're living with, and you want pussy all the time. Yep.

Absolutely. So tell us. Tell the people what it's like. So basically, I've come to a conclusion that basically women, they all say they're different but they all sound the same so that's why I've only like been going after deaf women. You know what I mean? I love you. I love you. That is some real, that's some Black Belt Jedi level shit. So

explain to us where you're finding these deaf women at. So basically, I was at, like, Rock Bottom one day. Uh-huh. Which is not far from right now, actually. Wait. You... Okay. I thought you were talking about the bar or a restaurant for a second. So I was, like...

So, what... Before we move on, why were you at Rock Bottom? So I had a... I fell on my knee on the sidewalk, and it got infected, and the infection went to my face. Okay. It was a staph infection? It was like, I don't know, it was like, I was on antibiotics, I don't remember exactly what it was, but it was like, it was actually pretty bad. Sickle cell.

Okay. How did it, how did it get to your, what did it do to your face? It started like getting all red and puffy. Okay. And how long did you, was it after the fall on the knee in which your face? The fall on the knee, like, I didn't know, because there was such a a big collision that got like cellulose or cellulitis or something like that like deep infection. So how many days after the fall on the knee did your face start getting puffy. About a week. Okay. So you were at rock bottom. They gave you antibiotics right. Yeah, I just had my car got stolen because I live in Portland.

Oh Portland that's come up a few times tonight. I was limping to go get some free food from the pantry. And all of a sudden there's this beautiful woman and she's holding, this is a true story, she's holding like a pile of money in her hands. And she just goes, do you want any money? This is the greatest show ever invented. There's nothing like this fucking show. Just to let you know, every other show in the fucking world,

the people are vetted. Like, the podcast host knows who they're talking to that day. Every other fucking, not to mention television show, everything we were raised on, they know what questions they're gonna ask, the other person knows what the fucking answer is, they try to make it look natural. This show is so def... What the fuck?

What the fuck is going on? Deaf woman with a pile of cash, and she sent it, that sounded accurate, that sounded like a deaf woman. So you're next to her, and what do you say to that? And she said, that sounded accurate. That sounded like a deaf woman. So you're next to her, and what do you say to that? I said, well, a couple things. I was like, you kind of caught me at a bad time.

Uh... You told her that? Yeah, it's not a great time for me. Like, uh... You know, but, um... I said, one day I'm gonna be on TV. When you see me on TV, you give me a call. And she said, okay, bye. See you on TV. When you see me on TV, you give me a call. And she said, okay, bye, see you on TV.

You gave her your number? Nope. Well, how would she give you a call? Well, I was hoping she'd see me on TV. He's gonna get famous and death jam her in the ass. Well, I figured, I figured, like, while, like, while I'm getting through my, like, phase of having no money and eight dogs,

like, like, I'd get, like, to the point where I could finally, like, have a relationship. You know what I mean? Like, now's not getting through my phase of having no money and eight dogs, like, I'd get to the point where I could finally have a relationship. You know what I mean? Now's not a good time for me. You know what I'm saying? So you've got a knee injury that infects the face, and you go home to your house with no money and eight dogs, and you go, one day love will... Yeah, yeah, yeah.

This is... You don't find a lot of women like that. No, you don't ever. No one ever has. No one has ever seen a deaf woman with a pile of cash I'm going for it. asking to give it out. It's starting to sound like a three-year-old grown up and tells a story.

You know when kids are like, and then there was an apple and the apple talked to me and then I fell on my knee and the knee hurt my face and there was a woman and she couldn't hear and she gave me money. But I walked away, I went home. I had eight dogs at that house. I love you.

You are the best quality person I've ever met. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Especially great person for the blood that runs through your veins. I mean, Italians are real pieces of shit. your veins. I mean, Italian's a real piece of shit. You know what I mean? Okay, all right. Guess that was too much.

All right. God, it's been so... I thought you were talking about being inbred. I didn't even know you were talking about anything. Okay. Thank you, Red Band, for all the help that you provide over here. 16 minutes into this interview,

I still feel like I haven't gotten enough. Well, it's nice meeting y'all. Oh, you're so sweet. This fucking guy. You're unbelievable. He's got to go. He has eight dogs. Oh. So, where...

This deaf woman changed your life to the point to where you are now into deaf women, but you didn't do anything with her. No, basically, like, I thought for myself, like, same day I was like, well, like, because she was like offering me money, I was like, this is pretty sweet. And then like later on, I'm walking to the grocery store, like, I sit down and like some other woman like offers me money. And I was like, it wasn't the same, because like she thought I sit down and, like, some other woman, like, offers me money. And I was like, although it wasn't the same,

because, like, she thought I was homeless. And I was like, all right, so, like, it's not just that she was offering me money, you know? Did you take the money? No, no, and also she was black, too, so I wasn't really feeling it. You're not into black women? No, not really.

Not really. Have you been with a black woman? Yeah, one time. What did you not... What was it that stood out to you? She had a really nice afro. I thought she was pretty, but she also had, like, some kind of, like.... What did you not, what was it that stood out to you? She had a really nice afro. I thought she was pretty,

but she also had like some kind of like, like I ended up like kind of getting sick afterwards. Like she's like. Tell us about that. What kind of sick did you get from the black woman? Oh, like. You might be the greatest interview in the history of the show.

So honest. So like basically. Putting on a clinic. It was basically like a couple hours into this and like my air mattress was already mostly deflated. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

And she just starts coughing, and I'm like, you all right? She's like, no, I'm kind of getting over something. And I'm like, ah, jeez, I'm kind of getting over something. Then all of a sudden, like, I was just sick for like another week. Oh, this sucks. So that was it.

Wow. And then there was one, there was one, there was one, everyone has one giant, fat black lady off Craigslist, but that doesn't count. Wait, she was off Craigslist? No, I mean, it doesn't really count. Where did you meet her at? Well, I met her at my, I met her at her house.

You gotta understand, it was Albany. It was Albany, I didn't have a chance. Oh, okay, hold on. I asked, oh God. I asked if, you see, I asked if you found her on Craigslist, and you said no, right? Well yeah, but I found her on Craigslist,

but then I met her at her house. Right, got it, okay. You didn't find her, okay. So you did find her on Craigslist. And then your first time meeting her physically was at her house. Yeah. Okay. Yeah.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. And then you got sick. Yeah. And that kind of turned you off from black women. Yeah, the thing is, I got sick, even though we also did it in the shower.

It didn't help at all. You did it in the shower. What made you guys do it in the shower? You both't help at all. You did it in the shower. What made you guys do it in the shower? You both have voluptuous hair. You said that she had an afro. You have what appears to be a throwback. Well, we started in the shower.

We moved over to the air mattress. And to be perfectly honest, you... Oh, here we go. There he goes. He's loaded up, and here it comes. To be perfectly honest., um, it was uh, I Mean I don't know if I can make this any worse you're doing just fine, buddy We kind of filmed it

Hold on you just met her. It started in the shower. You're both getting over something. What made you guys film it? Whose idea was that? I was living in Albany. It was over the summers. Like nobody was there.

Upstate New York. Yeah. I knew I was going to need something for later. You know what I mean? So you asked her permission to film? Yes. Wait a second. There's a little pause. A little big smile there. So you asked her permission to film? Yes. Wait a second.

There's a little pause, a little big smile there. Absolutely. So this was at her house, so you couldn't accept it. No, it was at my house. We went back to my house. You met her at her house, and then you took her back to your house? Why?

Well, I mean, that's kind of where I live. But you were at her house. You had sex at her house. Nope. No, you just met her at her house. Did you immediately take her in your car to your house? I didn't have a car. You guys hung out?

Oh, you didn't have a car. How did you guys get from her house to your house? Just walked right home. You walked. How far of a walk was that? About three quarters of a mile, something like that. Wow. So not far. Yeah, not far. Two blocks, something like that. You know, not bad.

No, there's a big difference between two blocks. Three quarters of a mile. Okay, this has gone way too far. I've been informed by Red Band that it's gone 21 minutes since the interview. Hey. And I don't remember anything about the minute at all, informed by Red Band that it's gone 21 minutes since the interview. And I don't remember anything about the minute at all, but I'll tell you, you are an unbelievable fucking

interview. You sign up next time. I don't want you to ever wear fucking socks again. You hear me? I'm going to try to get you out of this bucket again. There he goes. Alex Tarsu. Wow.

Good lord. There's the lovely Heidi, everybody. She'll knock your socks off. Alright. It's a tough, tough follow. Tough to follow Alex Tarsun. And you can now get almost anything you need delivered with Uber Eats. What do we mean by almost? You can't get a well-groomed lawn delivered, but you can get chicken parmesan delivered. Sunshine? No. Some wine? Yes.

Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol in select markets. See app for details. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket full goes by the name of Cameron Friss. Cameron Friss gets a minute. A minute. My buddy's dad just died in a motorcycle accident, and then he got super religious after it happened. And he's like, Cameron, I accept Jesus as my one true father. Like, nice, now you got two dads that don't talk to you jackass.

He's like, you want to come to church? He's like, I'd rather ride on the back of your dad's motorcycle when he crashed. I'm not going to lie to you. Everybody tells me my mustache makes me look racist. I was like, wait till you hear my mouth. You're going gonna love it. Now, a little bit about me. I, uh, I do. I hate reverse cowgirl.

Unpopular opinion. I do. I hate reverse cowgirl. That's just because I love fucking straight cowboys. Where are my fellas at? Horns up, boys. Listen, I came here to suck dick and tell jokes, and I'm all out of jokes, fellas. I didn't get these tonsils removed for nothing. Let's get this golden ticket over with.

All right, all right. Don't count your fucking chickens over there, Cameron. Welcome. How are you? Is this your first time on the show? Second time. I was on, like, a month ago. Okay. Well, welcome back. How has life changed since the first time you were on? People have been coming to my work now and coming and be like, Hey, I saw you on Kill Tony. What's your work again?

I work at Prana, the smoothie coffee shop. Kyle owns. Yeah, we love we love Prana. It's a great, great place. East Side Seventh Street. Yeah. Everybody in my hometown hit me up, which was pretty cool. What's your hometown? Ojai, California. Yep, the energy vortex. Yes, the energy vortex.

Absolutely. It's all coming back to me now. Prana has a lot of, like, it's a famous place for, like, hot chicks to go to. Yes, very famous hot chicks. Yes. I don't know if they're famous, but tons of hot chicks there, for sure.

The place is famous for having hot chicks, not famous hot chicks. What he said, yes. Yeah, okay. Smoke shows, all of them. All right, what do you do for fun, Cameron? I've been traveling, like I went to Africa last year, that was the craziest thing I've probably done in a while. Uh-huh, what made you go to Africa?

I'd never been out of the country other than like Canada for one hour, and me and my girlfriend were like, I was like, I wanna go to New York York and she's like, how about Africa? And I was like, perfect. That's good. Did you keep an eye on her the whole time she was there? It's very suspicious.

She was kind of a hot commodity there. I did talk to like one of the chiefs there and I was like, get a little, get a load of this thing right here. I was like, I'll trade her four goats. And he like laughed. He's like, haha, three. And I was like like it's not bad three goats is a lot okay I think you're trying to it's hard to follow the

interviewing style of Alex Tarshian yeah of course he's the man you know Alex yeah he has a crippling gambling and addiction and I hang out with him. Get Alex back up here! Get Alex back up here he's such a this here. He's such a... This is what we're gonna do. We're gonna trade out your boring white guy interview. Hell yeah. Is Alex still here? Can we obtain him? Let's get him.

Has Alex become a known commodity at the area where everyone's hanging out waiting to get on the show? He's an earful to talk to. He's the man. Where the... Alex, get out here! Ladies and gentlemen, it's the return. The long-awaited return.

Does anybody work here? Get Alex Tarsun for me. The fuck is going on? What could he possibly be doing? Well, he is half black, so he's gonna be late. -♪ So, yes, he's in the back, but no, he's not here. Tell us, how do you know about his gambling addiction?

Guys, relax. We were just hanging out and talking, and he was like frantically pacing, looking at his phone. It was on like 5%. And he was just tweaking. He's like, I don't know, I think my phone's going to die. Should I pull out? I might lose $100.

And I was like, you just have my charger thing, because I kind of wanted to see the gambling continue. Did he win? I don't think so, no. kind of wanted to see the gambling continue. Did he win? I don't think so, no. Wow. I didn't see him finish. It was like a... It was basketball.

Huh. Very interesting. Guy with eight dogs, lives by himself. It's a crippling gambling addiction. Who would have thought? I like that at the end of it, he was like, you could have my socks, that's all I have left. What else about Alex?

Tell us more about Alex Tarsun. I'm just going to interview people asking about Alex. Did he tell you guys about his cartoon he made? Oh my God. Maybe the most racist piece of animation I've ever seen. It's crazy, honestly. Keep going. I don't know what it's called,

but it's pretty much Ed, Edd, and Eddie with a lot more N words in it. It's fantastic, but it's hard, honestly. Keep going. I don't know what it's called, but it's pretty much Ed Edd and Eddie with a lot more N-words in it. It's fantastic, but it's hard to watch. I love it. Wow. And this is like a comic book? No, it's like full on, like he drew out the cartoon, like not by hand, but digitally and then made it into a thing.

It took months. It's like an actual cartoon. It's a real ass cartoon. Wow. And he showed it to you on his phone? I think he just told me to look it up and I just went in that little rabbit hole and yeah it was very interesting that's for sure. Do you remember the plot line or anything like that?

It was pretty much, I swear to God it's just pure racism most of it. That was pretty much the plot line was Ed, Edd, and Eddie, but they're black. Okay. It's called N, N, and Eddie. Yeah. Will somebody for the love of God get me Alex Tarshun? I need Alex Tarshun, Ace. In fact, never let him leave again.

Let's just keep him. Let's keep him. Let's do what he does with his eight dogs. Keep him chained up right in the back post here. He's gonna say, he can't be far. No, he can't be far. Okay, Cameron, what's the most interesting thing about your life before we get out of here? At the moment, I might have a child in Denver, Colorado. What makes you say that? Well, when I was like 14, some girl had sex with me on a boat. And then, uh, and then she got-

How old are you now? I'm 27. Okay. So go ahead. And then, uh, and then she got... How old are you now? I'm 27. Okay. So go ahead. And then, uh, and then she got pregnant, but she had a boyfriend at the time. Never said anything to me and moved to Denver, Colorado, and then I would stalk her Instagram and, like, keep updates on the photo of the kid till hopefully it started looking like her husband

and not me. That's what I was rooting for. And it's a girl? It's a girl, yeah. Uh-huh. And so is the girl's grown up? What is she? Does she have a mustache? She looks like the cutest little Civil War baby you've ever seen. No, I don't know. I honestly, she deleted her Instagram and I've lost all contact at this point. Wow. What a sad end to a stalker's story. She didn't delete it. She blocked you, by the way. Maybe. I don't know. All right.

Cameron, what's your living situation? I live in an apartment. It's not bad. One bedroom. Big... I got a fireplace now, which I didn't have in California, so that's pretty cool. You afford that just from working at Prana. Barely, yeah. Amazing.

Yeah. Well, rent's a lot cheaper here. It's like $2,000, and you don't have to live in a garage like you do in California, which sucks. That is correct. So, I have a fireplace now. Okay. There you go, Cameron. Moving up. What size joke book did you get last time you were here?

I got a little one. Okay. That sounds about right. Ah, damn it! Let's give you a medium one. Slow but steady improvement. Appreciate it. Cameron Frisk, everybody. There he goes. Let's get through another bucket full here.

Ladies and gentlemen, it goes by the name of Alex O'Brien, everybody. Here comes Alex O'Brien. Alex O'Brien. Y'all are beautiful. First class, high dollar. I'm gonna be like Nick Cage. I'm gonna be gone in 60 seconds, y'all.

Ma'am, you know what your problem is? Not shit, nothing. You're doing nothing. You're doing great. You're killing the game. I appreciate you being out here. So I have two things for you. Bank robbers and playing hinders. My grandma used to say playing hinders. Oh, we playing hinders. Y'all playing hinders? Which meant inappropriately touching something as a kid from another person. Now, we didn't play hinders, but we did play doctor a little bit. We got to play doctor a little bit. We'd be like, oh is your elbow hurt? Let me get some

aloe, rub that on there real quick. Your low back hurt? Get some aloe. I'm the doctor. Rub that on, make you feel good. Make me think about hinders. As I'm an adult I think hinders might have been fucking butt stuff and I think my grandma might have been into that a little bit. She'd be asking us to play hinders. I tell you that to tell you this, the bank robber situation. Bank robber situation is, some of y'all men know about this, is when you're tucked in your waistband, your opportunity is looking straight up at you.

It's goddamn robbing the bank, just put the fucking money in the bag. Oh my God, it's a dangerous thing to have. So you're playing hinders, you're putting the money in the bag. It's a great thing. What do you got for me, Tony? ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"]

Okay. Jesus Christ almighty. Kim Congdon. This guy is talented as fuck. I'm gonna say it right now. He made 60 seconds feel like an hour. Um... That was beautiful.

That's all I can ask for. Have you ever done stand-up before? Only a fucking five times. Okay. And how many times have you signed up for this show? This is my ninth. Ninth time signing up, and your first time on, correct? That's accurate.

Sssss... God. What do you do for work? Well, I'm a substitute teacher and a comedian. No, you're not. Thank you. Thank you so much. I was waiting for that.

Definitely not that. That got me dialed in. Substitute teacher. How old are you? 38. Okay. What made you start stand up now at 38 years old? So I got super good at Coke over COVID, like really good.

I wasn't teaching and I was like, you know, man, this stuff is, you know, keeping me occupied and in my house. And so I had to reset my life. And when I did that, I said to myself, Jesus, maybe I should just move the fuck out of Seattle where it rains too much and pretend like I'm funny on stage. So far, no good.

You're the worst. You're the worst. You're the worst. You're adorable, but you're the worst. Where are you originally from? Florida? Seattle, Washington. Oh, that makes sense. That makes perfect sense. What?

Fucking sad, seasonal, effective, and sort of come out here. I'm feeling a little bit better, but not so much right now. You still do coke? No, sirree bob. How do... What happened then?

Two and a half years. Two and a half years sober. Yeah, I was, I was like borderline schizo. I was really good at it. I can tell, it kinda stuck with ya. Some people do enough to where they just kinda stay a certain way. Maybe that was just the natural effect and it was just enhancing a little bit. Right, okay.

Have you ever met Alex Tarsun before? I heard good things. What have you heard? My name repeated over and over again, and me going, I'm on you, and backstage, and then the person in front of me. That's as much as I've heard. Okay. Right.

What's the most interesting thing about your entire life? Nobody has any idea what you talked about for your minute, by the way. Just a bunch of absolutely dark-ish. Gibberish. Fucking gibberish. All right, noted. I appreciate that feedback. Um... I did a background dance...

I was a background dancer for Run DMC one time at a PE conference. I killed it. Let's eat it. All right. You have one of the most hateable faces I've ever seen. Yeah. Let's go.

I gotta say, the moments when you're yourself and you're an actual douchebag and you like when you did that thing before you did the bit, there's like little glimpses of maybe you could do something there, but you have to go with that douchebag face. You can't hide it. Like we're looking at it. Present, right? Do you ever use it to your advantage?

You know, I used to, I was super good at it. Like you know, not a good person for a while, for Christ's sake, cocaine. But no, not anymore. So how would you use it to your advantage? How would I use it to my advantage? I would be like, yo, what's up, girl? What's poppin'?

Brand new whip, just hopped in. And then she'd be like, oh, that's not how. Oh, shit. Are you a heterosexual? Oh, fuck, fuck. There's only one thing to do right now. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome back. Alex Tarsun, everybody.

Thank you so much. Yeah, the crowd goes wild. We're upgrading our Alexes. The fuck outta here. Alex Tarsun, the world wants more of you. Since you were gone, since you've been gone. We heard, we learned that you have a crippling gambling addiction. Oh yeah, who told you that?

Ha ha ha. Yeah! Ha ha ha. Thump, thump, thump. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Even Matt Mueling just gave a good, oh fuck. Like it's like, you are a geyser, my friend. You are just a flowing vat of natural material. Yeah, we heard about it. We heard about it from, um, Cameron Frisk. You know Cameron? Yeah, he's nice. Yeah, you know Cameron?

So tell us about this gambling problem. Well, basically, I figured out right now it's all about the arbitraging. It's all about the what? You just bet both sides, you automatically win like a dollar or two, and you just keep rolling it over. But you're meant to do that with millions of dollars

on either side, and you... We're snowballing. We're snowballing. Are you... Sorry. I don't know what to fucking do with this guy. It's the greatest interview of all time. You want to hear a quick story about how I saved someone's life? Yes! Yes! So me and my first pit bull are walking down by the river, and I'm looking for my cell phone, because I lost it,

and it's nighttime, and I want to ask someone if I can call, like my phone and their phone, but they don't want I lost it, and it's nighttime, and I want to ask someone if I can call, like, my phone and their phone, but they don't want to do that, because it's nighttime and stuff. So I see this one guy, and I want to ask him, but I don't, and then I'm walking by the river, and I see this body floating in the river.

And I was like, oh, my gosh. I run back to the guy, I'm like, hey, we got to call the ambulance and stuff. And he's like, all right. He doesn't believe me necessarily. So we go back to the river, no one's there, but they float under the pier. So I'm like, it's like February, and he's like, all right. It's like, he doesn't believe me necessarily. So we go back to the river, no one's there, but they float under the pier. So I'm like, it's like February and it's like really cold.

And I'm like, she'd probably freeze her in there because she, you know, so, so I did what I did, I took off all my clothes and I just started going into the river and I, and it was the Hudson River. So I was kind of like, I've never been in here. I don't know how deep it is, but like, so I just, I, I get in there, and she must have been, like, at least 250,

but, like, in the water, I could still move her. And, like, I'm getting her up on, like, the rocks and stuff. The guys helped me get her up and stuff. We get my dog on top, we're trying to warm her up. And then, like, the thing is, though, is, like, when the fire department came, all the ambers and stuff, like, I was so proud to tell them, like, who I was and stuff. But the person who helped me, like, he's so proud to tell them who I was and stuff.

But the person who helped me, he's like, my name is Vivian. And I'm like, whoa, the only thing I wanted was for a hot chick to see this. And I'm like, bro, are you a hot chick though? And he was like, yeah, I'm transgender. And he's like, yeah, I came to the river to kill myself too. But this is my, it's a wonderful life moment,

so I'm not gonna do it. And I'm like, that's pretty sweet. That's pretty sweet. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Let's talk about this cartoon you made. Oh, I told you! I told you about that. All right, so it's basically the black version of Ed Edd and Eddie. Keep going. Okay. So basically it's called Nigg Niggin' Nigger. All right. Thank you. Keep going.

All right. Um, so it, um... Uh, the episode four is my favorite because it has, like, a Buzz Lightyear, like... Remember, like, when Buzz Lightyear was Mrs. Nesbit? Sure. Everyone forgets about that, but I have this whole bit about, like, how, like, Buzz Lightyear comes back to see his friends, and he's, about that, but I have this whole bit about like,

how like Buzz Lightyear comes back to see his friends and he's like just missing an arm. And he's like wearing like a girl hat, an apron. And then like all the characters like, we gotta like get out of here before Buzz infects us with his gay. Before we know, we'll all have our arms out our socket wearing a lady hat.

And you see like Mr. Potato Head, like missing an arm. We're like, hey boys, I've always been Mrs. Potato Head. Where can people find these cartoons? Plug it. So you got to go to... You got to go to... What the hell's my name? Alex Tarshue?

Yeah, but right now it's, uh, Pure Bread Retard on YouTube. That's your name? Yeah. Pure Bread, like the food. Pure Bread Retard on YouTube. That's your name? Yeah. Pure Bread, like the food. Pure Bread Retard. All one word? Are there any underscores or anything? Bread Like The Food.

Oh, Bread Like The Food. Pure Bread Retard. What made you go with Bread Like The Food on that one? Was Pure Bread Retard regular taken? Well, I used to be in bread retard. And then that got me in a lot of trouble on Instagram and stuff.

That's the part that you think got you in trouble? Not the retard part? No, no. I'm pure. The guy with the pinky stole that handle. You know, for a long time, I would Google, like, why do I have a mini pinky? But I didn't know how to spell pinky.

Like, I used to like do, like, P-I-N-K, like Y or something like that, or I-E, I don't remember, but, like, I can't really spell that well. You spelled it wrong. I couldn't spell pinky for a long time. You're a bad speller? Yeah, yeah. How bad do you think you are? Pretty bad?

I'm more of a math guy. More of a math guy. Yeah. Okay. Are you good at math? Yeah, I do okay. Wow, we found... Yeah, I did that one. That's me. We found the cartoon. Yeah. Okay. Are you good at math? Yeah, I do okay. Wow, we found- Yeah, I did that one, that's me.

We found the cartoon. This is incredible. I drew all that, yeah, I drew it. A Tarshun cartoon. Yeah, that's good. It really is. It is, for those of you wondering what the spelling of this cartoon is,

it is N-I-G comma N-I-G-G, It is NIG, NIGG, NIGGA. I don't know if I'm allowed to spell that word. We'll see. We'll see. But it is a real cartoon. Wow. I definitely can't say it, but I think I'm allowed to spell it.

Thank you. Wow. How many of these have you made? I've got four right now working on part five. Hell yeah. Incredible. Even the 20th most interesting things about you are so interesting. Hey, you want to see the feast de resistance? The what? You want to see the best part?

Yeah. Hey, look at my shoe. Look at feast they resist on? What? You wanna see the best part? Yeah! Hey, look at my shoe. Look at my shoe. Ready? What? Oh, is your shoe broken? Yeah. What size shoe do you wear?

Uh, 10. Really? Yeah. All right. All right. My shoes would be a little too big on you. I'm just gonna give you my shoes. Someone's got a size 10 in here. Come on.

Who's got a good size 10? Anybody? Someone give these men your shoes. Look. Hold on. There's a guy in a Hawaiian shirt standing up. There he goes. I think he's... Oh, he's leaving, everybody. He's leaving. Okay. You got a size 10? No, 12's not gonna work. No, he's gonna get an infection in his face.

You got a pair of 10s? Yes! Throw them up here, throw them up here. Ew, wait, those look terrible. No, pass them back, pass them back. He's better off, he's better off without. I'll tell you what, here's what I'm gonna do. I'll tell you what, here's what I'm gonna do. I'm going to give you an automatic minute next week.

And I'm going to present a new pair of size 10 shoes to you. A brand new pair. And we're gonna go through another interview. This one lasted 10 minutes. You had that to the 21 before. That's 31 minutes. Technically, I do believe with the two combined, you do hold the record for the most interviewed person

in the history of the show. No way. In a single night. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I already gave you a big joke book. There you go, Alex Tarshun, ladies and gentlemen. We're gonna keep it moving along.

We realize that we haven't had a female comedian here tonight, so we're gonna get one up. Ladies and gentlemen, this is a minute from Lisa Jane Spencer. Make some noise for Lisa Jane Spencer. Hello. I know I sound retarded, but I'm just Australian. LAUGHTER Um... Yeah, so I'm just wondering, are we still pretending, white people,

are we still pretending that we don't say the N-word? LAUGHTER Like, when they're not around, obviously. LAUGHTER I remember learning about it. I was young, my brother was young, and my brother got back from a friend's house and he was talking about this cereal that he had. You guys call it Cocoa Crispies, we call it Cocoa Pops, but see, he called it N, N Pops.

Yeah. So my mum banned that. Yeah. But yeah, we just learned to hide it, right? You just learned to hide it. And my favourite is just doing it in the car, you know, listening to Kanye. That's my favorite.

I'm talking about eating Nutella. Keep going, finish it. I'm talking about eating Nutella. Oh, that's it? Yeah. Okay, all right. Lisa Jane Spencer, ladies and gentlemen. We're welcome to the show, Lisa.

We're gonna go to our senior Australian correspondent, James McCann. Lisa, you've dishonored our country. These people already think we're extremely racist because of our racism. I was just talking about Nutella, though. I was just talking about eating Nutella. Can you tell me what it meant?

Okay, well, I was alluding to the N-word, but actually I was talking about Nutella. You were saying the N-word that you weren't meant to say was Nutella. Yeah, Nutella. You guys, the two Australians are creating some kind of feedback here, it seems. And I had... And I had... I did have an ending of it, but I didn't... Yeah, you had an ending to the joke? I did have an ending.

Okay, what was the ending to the joke that I asked you to do? I was gonna say... Thank you. I was gonna say, relax. I'm just Australian. We just called... Crikey. Okay, red band. Red band. Relax. I'm just Australian. We just call... Crikey.

Okay, red band. Red band. Okay, you're just Australian what? We just call each other c***s. That's right. Very good. We do... We're gonna have to bleep that one. What?

That's another bleep. Even when an Australian says that, it counts. Even though you guys... You can probably say poof-ta though. Yeah. Poof-ta's our f***. I can... I don't think YouTube knows about poof-ta yet.

YouTube's robots don't know about poof-ta. What does that mean exactly? Sort of a light in the loafers type individual. It means gay. You're gay. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay.

Where are you from in Australia? Melbourne. Terrible city. I know. Oh, okay. Yeah. Okay. Where are you from in Australia? Melbourne. Terrible city. I know. Oh, I love Melbourne. You love Melbourne? I love Melbourne.

How? My favourite city in Australia. It is nice. There's like nice parts of it, like the peninsula, Dandenong ranges. Nah, I had an engagement breakdown in Melbourne. It's a shit city and I can't say enough bad things about it. They monopolised our football. they stole our Grand Prix. They talk down on the people of Adelaide,

shame on Melbourne. Wow. Damn. But, but there's not a lot of Nutellas. There's actually, Kim. Exactly. After the South Sudanese War, there was a huge influx of Nutellas into Melbourne.

And they have changed the game in Australian football. Every team has a great big seven foot Nutella now out there. Yeah. How long have you been in America? Literally like four days. Four days? Yeah, yeah. What's the weirdest been in America? Literally like four days. Four days? Yeah, yeah. What's the weirdest thing about America so far?

The weirdest thing? Yeah. Okay, well last night I was standing next to a truck that was like double the size. Yeah, they're fucked, hey. And that was like a normal car. Yeah. No, I don't know why they made trucks so big here. They just made them big enough to kill children without knowing about it.

Yeah. And they... They want them big enough to kill children without knowing about it. And they... They want them big enough to kill a basketball playing Nutella. Do you know what I'm saying about? These trucks, it's too much. I apologize. Have you ever seen a half Italian, half Nutella before? Let me show you one. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Alex Tarsun, everybody. Oh, okay. Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. I don't know which one's more creeped out by the other right now, having quite the standoff. She looks scared to death, by the way. I don't know what's happening. It's okay.

This guy is one of the most interesting people in the history of the show. You gotta be scared of 40% of me. You only have to be scared of 40% of him. Have you ever seen anything like that on the streets of Melbourne? No. No, she looks genuinely frightened. Don't know if the cameras are picking it up.

Alex, have you ever hung out with an Australian person before? No, not yet. Wow, look at this. Absolutely incredible. If you were going to take her on a date, where would you take Lisa Jane Spencer? Uh, have you ever been to Jets? It's a pizza place on Lamar. I do like pizza.

You like pizza? Yeah, yeah. Oh, you're in for a treat. Pretty good. Man, we got our very own Love on the Spectrum happening right here on Kill Time. That's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do you like dogs? What. Do you like dogs? What?

Do you like dogs? Dogs. I love dogs. What kind of do you like? How many dogs do you love? What would be a reasonable number of dogs for a man to have? Just one. One? Oh, we got... I don't have a dog. I used to have a dog.

But it died. This man's got eight dogs. I just want to let you... He's got eight dogs. Are you into anything weird sexually? Like two in the pink, half in the stink? This is very rude. He has a funny hand. He has a funny hand. He's got a weird pinky.

She is scared to death, ladies and gentlemen. Again, when she faces you guys, she starts to smile and everything, but when she looks directly at him, there's a specific ghostly look that comes over her face of concern. It's true. I wish we had like a reverse camera.

I guess we can't really do it. Lisa, I want you to know this is just what America's like it's like this every single day forever I was at that show last night Alex let me ask you a question after you took her to Jets pizza, then what would you do with her? I'll probably bring it to my van I don't know I don't date van people. No, he doesn't. Here's the twist, is that that's just a great,

every question I ask him is brilliantly answered. He doesn't live in his van. He has his own place. Eight dogs on an air mattress. Look how proud, look how proud he is. He loves his life. He's about to get pussy, dude. He's so cool, I'm buying him a new pair of shoes.

I've never even done that before. 12 years we've been doing this show. I'm buying him fucking new kicks. Hey, you know what? I'll buy you shoes. Wow. Alex. Look. Alex. Look at this. What are you gonna do, skin the dogs? You've got no way to.

Look at this. You've heard of love at first sight. This is fear at first sight. A sweet little Australian who did N-word jokes, now looking at a half pink, inbred Nutella. Okay. Uh, Lisa, just because I'm in a good mood, I'm going to give you a big joke book.

You don't really deserve it for any reason, but I'm just... Alex Tarsun has brought me so much joy here tonight that you're leaving with a big joke book. How about one more time for Lisa, Jane Spencer, and how about one more time for the final time Alex Tarshun everybody. This guy's been signing up for fucking ever. Over a year.

Wow. Wow. The crowd is on their feet. People on the balcony are standing up. This is chaos. All right, we'll see you next week, Alex. There's only one way to end an episode like this, and you damn well know that it has to be the ringer of all ringers,

the Memphis Strangler. It is the vanilla gorilla. The one and the only. The Big Red Machine. The Hall of Famer. This is William Montgomery. And by the way, if you love Ed and Eddie, you're gonna love Alex's very racist cartoon. I've actually been a backer.

I've given him a lot of money. It's a wonderful cartoon. Well it happened. Virginia Giffrey got suicided this past week in Australia after having been hit by a school bus going 80 miles an hour a couple weeks before. In the immortal words of Hillary Clinton, if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. So the Philadelphia Eagles drafted a guy named Jihad Campbell.

My math may be off, but wasn't he born after 9-11, and they named him Jihad Campbell? He's an explosive linebacker really willing to sacrifice his body. He'll fast, I mean, he's fast. In college, I heard he banged 99 virgins and if you think the New York Giants can tower over him, he will fly right into them, two at a time.

If he launches into two people hard enough, a third might fall down, and folks will claim it was a controlled demolition. Also, there's a rumor Massad knew about Jihad Campbell, but failed to warn the Patriots. Okay. I ain't taking no shit! That's my impression of a constipated man.

Okay. Wow. Wow. Damn. We know who the interview of the night was, but my God, let there be no question, the set of the night goes to the man who's done it more than anybody.

Hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of times. And meanwhile, here he comes, swinging his sledgehammer of destruction yet again. And you did it with a do-rag on. And for the record, this thing smells like shit, Tony! No, I'm kidding. Alex is so funny, but I swear I was smelling his ass, and I was like, Oh, my God, is he gonna let me wear this?

And then he put it on me, and I'm like, Dude, this smells like shit. Yeah. It smells like eight fucking dogs living at the apartment with you. Eight dogs and a lot of pizza. Yeah. My goodness, but totally worth it.

The hardest I've laughed all night was on your entrance. Your material followed the entire way through. An entire 60 seconds of laughter. All gas, no breaks. The Big Red Machine has arrived. It's so nice to be here. It's all the it's all the rowing I've been doing, Tony.

I'm at two hundred thousand meters already in this month. OK, Tony, I'm up to over five hundred thousand meters since January. So I am going and then I almost broke my big toe. I think a couple of days ago I was moving some piece of equipment and it fucking fell right on my big toe. Oh, my goodness. It hurt so bad. Let me just warn you,

you might have a face infection in no time. Yeah, I hope not. He also had a staph infection? Did he have a staph infection? Mm, yeah. Somebody else. It's basically cellulitis is kind of an extension of that, I think. A lot of you know that I'm a Canadian doctor, so, you know, we're all... You're going to put him down?

We're not going down that path again. Okay, so William, you look fantastic. You're absolutely glowing, if I could say so. Have you been on tour? I have. I was in Virginia Beach, Virginia this past weekend. It was a wonderful time. I ended up eating a whole bunch of seafood. And Tony, I'm serious.

I don't think I'm ever really going to stop eating the seafood. I love some seafood. I was eating some of the fried shrimp. Ooh, what are some other kind of seafoods? I was eating fucking fried flounder. Ooh. I was eating fried grouper. Oh my God.

I was eating fried redfish. Wow. And hush puppies, which is also like a fried breading bread. Wow. But yeah, it was really good. And I walked on Virginia Beach and had a really good time. And honestly, I felt like I was in Mogadishu or something.

It seemed kind of crazy. I'm looking out at the ocean as this just big fucking ship's cruising around everywhere and just the people on the beach. It's like, where am I? But I loved it in Virginia Beach. Everybody that came to see me was great. What about Mogadishu? It's just, I swear, I just had like this feeling

of where, what fucking country am I in? It just looked like crazy looking out. Oh, there's James McCann, your fellow, your fellow. I know it is so nice to say fellow ginger friend. You look so cool with a durag. Thank you so much, man. I think you could get away with it because I feel like I can get away with it right now.

So I think you could get away with it. I'm afraid that there's stuff in it like a flea or something. James, let's switch hats. I think you could. No, I don't think there's any particular. James, let's switch hats. I think you could. No, I don't think there's any particular name. James, let's switch hats. Oh, the crowd wants it, James.

Wow. Oh, my god. Ugh. That's crazy. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh. Oh.

Oh, my God. Wow. James McCann. I think his pinky's getting shorter in real time. Somehow you look totally different than everybody. Shut your bitch ass. Fuck it. Anyway, excuse me. He's a whole new man.

This is the new James McCann. Oh, now's the time to say it, but I'm too afraid. Hey. I was a coward. I'm a ninja. Yeah. Nutella. I'll regret that for the rest of my life. Yep. Damn! Now I won't do it anymore.

I think that was a pretty bad mistake, James. We gotta swap back. I can't believe you said that. The durag is too powerful. Give me my hat back. James McCann is on a USA tour. He's on a tour with the New York City band. Hey, James! I can't believe you said that! The durag is too powerful! Give me my hat back!

James McCann is on a USA tour. Get tickets at JDFMcCann.com. William lights out Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. He's on tour. Kim Cognon's on tour. KimCognon.com with a C-O-N-G-D-O-N. She's a Brea, May 14th, Oxnard, May 15th.

James McCann is everywhere. It is a true American tour. Again, JDFMcCann with two N's.com. She has three N's now, shit. Uh, the... Feel free to bleep that. now shit feel free to bleep that maybe it's one of the parts of the show that just stays in the room Express VPN zip recruiter prize picks and to cope is the drawing from Ryan J E belt is in it is incredible how about one more time for the best damn band in the land red band band check out the Sunset Strip ATX calm. Love you guys. No doubt about it. Here we go, London, England

Madison Square Garden Everything's right around the corner a lot of other fun stuff another more huge announcements and everything non-stop with this goddamn show Somehow it just continues on and on we go. Live audience, thank you, we love you, thank you. Good night everybody. James McCann, Kim Condon. I'm gonna go get some food. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.