KILL TONY - #722- BRIAN SIMPSON + YANNIS PAPPAS

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Rebbit coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, given up by Tony Hitchcliff!

Starting point is 00:00:52 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Huh? Make some noise for Brian Ray Band, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? And that is the best damn band in the land yet again. Make some noise for Carlos Sosa, Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Nachos Belgrande, Huevos Rancheros, Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. The great mortician Matt Mueling on the electric guitar tonight.

Starting point is 00:01:41 John Dees on the keys. And live in the flesh, This is indeed D Madness ladies and gentlemen. Oh Lordy. Here we are another beautiful Monday in Austin Texas. This is the number one comedy show now in the world. Brought to you by ExpressVPN, VIA and Incogni. Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Bluechu, guys, be ready when she needs to get your first month of Bluechu free. Great sex is a few clicks away, so sign up at Bluechu.com.

Starting point is 00:02:44 Consult with one of their licensed medical providers and once you're approved you'll receive your prescription within days BlueChu tablets are made in the USA and prepared and shipped directly to your door the best part it's all done online that means no visits to the doctor's office no awkward conversations and no waiting in line in the pharmacy. Tony, guess what I love BlueChu they provide they're providing the best ED treatment out there hands down. So make life easier by getting harder. Discover your options at blue chew.com.

Starting point is 00:03:09 We've got a special deal for our listeners try your first month of blue chew free when you use promo code Tony just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code Tony visit blue chew.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank blue chew for sponsoring the podcast. We hope you're enjoying your Air Canada flight Rockies, here we come. Whoa, is this economy? Free beer, wine and snacks.

Starting point is 00:03:32 Sweet. Fast free wifi means I can make dinner reservations before we land. And with live TV, I'm not missing the game. It's kind of like I'm already on vacation. Nice. On behalf of Air Canada, nice travels. Wifi available to Airplane members on Equip Flight,

Starting point is 00:03:49 sponsored by Bell Conditions Supply, seercanada.com. Who's ready to start tonight's show, huh? Whoo! Every single week, I book one or two of the best comedians in the world. This is a two-comedian panel tonight. Two of who I believe are truly two of the best comedians in the world. This is a two comedian panel tonight. Two of who I believe are truly two of the best comedians working today, monsters.

Starting point is 00:04:10 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Iannis Pappas and Brian Simpson. Oh yeah. Let's fucking go. Iannis Pappas. His new YouTube special, Property Owner, Let's fucking go. Giannis Kappas. His new YouTube special, Property Owner, out now on the History Hyenas YouTube.

Starting point is 00:04:31 And Brian Simpson has live from the mothership on Netflix. Shot here. Here we are. Welcome, gentlemen. Welcome back, boys. How are you guys? Good, good. Things have been good.

Starting point is 00:04:44 Good to see you again. We're gonna have some fucking fun tonight. You're just as red as I remember. That's me, that's me. Filled with testosterone, hot yoga, I saw now before this. I basically do everything to be as red as possible. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, the red man takes the opposite approach.

Starting point is 00:04:58 He's a beautiful gray tonight, a stunning gray. He sits on his couch and does virtual reality until six in the morning the night before. He's lacking sleep and vitamins. His hat is covered in cat hair. You probably can't see that. He's a disgusting pig. But I'm red. You are correct. I'm red.

Starting point is 00:05:17 Um, Brian Simpson, welcome back to the show. Yeah, man, so I'm always higher than I planned on being. It is unbelievable. You look so high. I've never seen a black Asian man before, but those eyes are closed, buddy. My goodness gracious. I'm having a good time. I love it. You and D-Madness look like

Starting point is 00:05:41 two different generations of absolutely blind people. It's incredible. 225 human beings signed up for this show tonight. Anything can happen. They're all piled into a bar next door. If I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear, which interrupts them. I conduct an interview and we find out more about them, maybe more about their crazy lives,

Starting point is 00:06:10 what they could talk about on stage or just an overall interesting interview. I'm gonna go with this peanut M&M right here. I'm gonna let him pick the first name. Peanut M&M with sunglasses on the top of his head just to fucking be cool, you know what I mean? Oh, oh, oh, oh, because the sun's already, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, We have a golden ticket winner who's gonna get the show started with a brand new 60 seconds ladies and gentlemen make some noise You know them you love them. This is

Starting point is 00:06:48 David Jolly everybody here we go Hell yeah, I've been in Texas now for two years. Hell yeah Hell yeah. I've been in Texas now for two years. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. Finally made two years. I like the Mexicans out here. Y'all different than, like, Florida Mexicans. Hell yeah. Only thing I don't like is, as soon as y'all in Abuela get over here,

Starting point is 00:07:14 y'all get them a job at Walmart. And I think that's bullsh-t, because them people rude as hell. I went up to the lady the other day. I was like, hey, uh, Tia, uh... Can you tell me where her antiperspirant deodorant is? And she said, mm, me ain't gonna speak English. Mm, yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:31 I was like, this bitch is rude, ain't she? But it's amazing how I go back to my car and I put on my homemade ice shirt. Now everybody speak English. I go back in there and say to that same lady, hey, you know where the deodorant at now? Howdy, partner. Everybody speak English. I go back in there and say to that same lady, hey, you know where the deodorant at now? Howdy, partner.

Starting point is 00:07:50 You looking for an antiperspirant deodorant? That's J22, buckaroo. I go down to get the deodorant. I come back, this bitch singing the Star Spangled Bound. I'm like, get the fuck out of here. Thank y'all. That's my time, man. Y'all gonna buzz your fucking ass off. David Charlie. Yeah, yeah, appreciate that.

Starting point is 00:08:09 So the Latina women, they... When you wear an ice shirt, they know English all of a sudden. Yeah, they know it real good. Yeah. Good old Texas accent and all. And did they go... Did they have to unlock the deodorant for you

Starting point is 00:08:22 from the locked up case or whatever Walmart you're fucking shopping at? They gotta unlock it for everybody, motherfucker. Well, I don't know if it's for everybody. We all got different Walmarts in different neighborhoods, if you know what I'm saying. Oh, no, it's definitely a lock on the one I go to. It's definitely a lock.

Starting point is 00:08:36 Absolutely. I like them when it be like crackheads in front of the store, you know what I mean? That's my, made me feel good about myself. I'm doing better than them. Right, because you used to be that. No, I ain't never been a crackhead, but. I've been pretty broke.

Starting point is 00:08:47 I've been pretty broke. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Still look like it. Brian Simpson. It's funny, he said he never been a crackhead, but he looked like they could send him undercover

Starting point is 00:08:59 with crackheads. No doubt. You could totally play an undercover crackhead. You could play an over cover crackhead. You could go in and be the alpha of the crackheads. Like that King Charles dog, like you could go and calm down the other crackheads just by your presence.

Starting point is 00:09:17 All the other crackheads chill out of bed. If them niggas paying, we can start this job today. You know what I'm saying? I don't give a damn. Absolutely. You feel me? Oh? I don't give a damn. Absolutely. You feel me? Oh, I feel you, David Jolly. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:09:28 I feel you. Very, very rough skin. I feel you. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. It is. I just put on lotion, but it kind of like, you got to put it on like three different layers when it's, uh...

Starting point is 00:09:38 Uh-huh. Y'all don't know what I'm talking about. Don't worry about it, man. You know what I'm talking about. We all know what you're talking about. You look... You don't need to wear lotion, about. Don't worry about it, man. You know what I'm talking about. We all know what you're talking about. You look- You don't even wear lotion, Tony. Surprisingly, I do, David Jolly.

Starting point is 00:09:49 I don't have to. I wouldn't turn into absolute dust if I didn't like you, but I still do it. It hurts for aging reasons so that I don't become an undercover crackhead like you. White people still can use lotion. There are many benefits. Fuck you, Tony.

Starting point is 00:10:07 How's life been, David? What's going on in real life? Yeah, man, everything good. Back in the days, you know, like, I'd be bored at the house now, so I'm about to start playing bingo. You're gonna play bingo at your house? No, I'm gonna go to the one that's on

Starting point is 00:10:22 Ben White Boulevard and close at like 1030. Hey, them old ladies be, they be intense in that motherfucker, boy. They be using some words. Good old slurs, you know what I mean? Yeah. Them hoes professionals in that motherfucker, you hear me? Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:38 A lot of, a lot of, a lot of Ns in that game of Bingo. A lot of Ns and C's and J's. One bitch called me a Z. I ain't never heard of Z, that's crazy. Brian Simpson. I don't think you should be shocked to hear somebody say nigga on Ben White Boulevard. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:10:56 I know what I'm getting myself into, I'm ready. They been white. Yeah, they been white a long time. Ben White is a real street, for those of you wondering. It's a very famous street here. They got a nice bingo hall over there. It closes like 1030. They really do? Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:11:11 How do you even know about this? Because I've been Googling. I be Googling a lot. Googling what? Places to rob? No. I have a feeling you're gonna be showing up at 1030 in the parking lot. There's a lot of dollar gonna be showing up at 10.30 in the parking lot. There's a lot of dollar bills in that, but I'm saying.

Starting point is 00:11:28 I got robbed by six feet of dust. I swear. Oh, man. Fuck you, Tony. That sounds like some good merch, a good old fuck you Tony shirt. I probably would sell. I might need to go make that bitch tonight. You know I make shirts, right?

Starting point is 00:11:48 I bet you do make shirts. I do. I'm serious. Absolutely. Anything to make that dollar bill, baby. Absolutely. No doubt about it. You feel me? Again. Again.

Starting point is 00:12:01 We definitely do. Anything else crazy going on, David Jolly, before we keep him in there? Just living the dream and dropping his content, just, you know, the same shit, roll, you know, being a comic and living the dream, baby. You feeling me? Yep.

Starting point is 00:12:15 What's your Instagram so the people can see the stuff you're making? You're making some funny stuff, right? He's blowing the fuck up right now. Yeah, he's the Pope, the black Pope. Oh, you seen it? You seen it? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, Tony. That's all right, Tony, that's the Pope, the black Pope. Oh, you seen it? You checked it out? Yeah, yeah, yeah, Tony.

Starting point is 00:12:26 That's all right, Tony, that's all right. It's Mr. D. Jolly on Instagram and Facebook, all of that shit is Mr. D. Jolly. Man, I appreciate that, Tony. There you go. That mean a lot, man. David Jolly got the show started for us, and like that, it has begun. And now we go to the bucket.

Starting point is 00:12:42 This is where shit gets a little wacky, because we're meeting people. We knew David before this. We knew we'd have a new good minute. This is where anything can happen. We could be one of the next great comedians of the future. Could be an absolute fucking idiot. Ladies and gentlemen, this is 60 seconds uninterrupted

Starting point is 00:12:59 from your first bucket pull. He goes by the name of Justin Platts, everyone. Justin Platts. What is up, you trap-ass hoes? How we livin'? My name's Justin, and Justin likes bustin'. That's right. I can prove it. I've got a kid. I know what you're thinkin'. This is a supervised visitation

Starting point is 00:13:22 and or alternating weekend dad face at best, right? No way, this is a full custody father, people. That's right. That's right. Thank you. And my son just graduated high school. He just graduated high school with a sports scholarship. That's right, I did not think the puberty blockers were gonna work that well either, so... You're just as surprised as me. I was fucking skeptical.

Starting point is 00:13:46 Yeah, my son is 18 and he just turned 18 and he pissed me off really bad the other day. He pissed me off so bad, I actually turned in his draft registration card. Yeah, I'm hoping that this Ukraine conflict kicks up so that way I can put empty nester on my bumble profile, you know, and it not be a lie. That's right, I am back on the dating apps. One thing I've learned about dating apps,

Starting point is 00:14:05 you can't be totally honest on those things, right? For example, this is 6'4 on all the platforms right now. Yep. All right. That's my time. Okay. Justin Platts. Welcome to the show, Justin. Thank you. You really have a... He's 18? Yes, he just turned 18. Is that your only kid? Actually, he's about to turn 19, I'm sorry.

Starting point is 00:14:26 Okay. Yep, only kid, one and done. Wow. Snip, snip. How long were you with the baby mama? About an hour, actually. Wow. Look at that, that's all it takes.

Starting point is 00:14:38 Pretty good. Absolutely incredible. We're able to make a child that fast. It only takes a second, apparently. Yep. Yep. And what's the kid doing? What does he do for work? He works at the plasma center currently,

Starting point is 00:14:53 so he's killing it. He's pretty into... He just works there? Is he donating plasma? He's donating plasma, yeah. He's donating plasma. Really? I've been trying to get him a good a job, and he's just not about that life, so. Wow. How do you inspire him? What do you do for work?

Starting point is 00:15:08 Oh, I work in commercial solar, like, solar construction, primarily. Okay. Are you good at it? Uh, no, I suck at it, but... All right. What do you do for fun, Justin? For fun, I like to ride my dirt bike around. I live in Colorado.

Starting point is 00:15:23 That's primarily what I do. Ride that dirt bike, smoke the weed, you know? Okay, you ride it, dirt bike. Unofficially, I wouldn't actually, I don't really do that. What do you? On cameras, I don't do that, but you know. I got a real job.

Starting point is 00:15:40 Okay. All right, Justin. It's a union gig, so this is a- I got it. Well, you already said it. Now everyone knows you smoke pot. You're gonna have to deal with that right, Justin. It's a union gig, so this is a... I got it. Well, you already said it. Now everyone knows you smoke pot. You're gonna have to deal with that later, buddy. I tried it once in high school.

Starting point is 00:15:50 That was all it was. All right, Justin. All right. What was your childhood like? Were your parents there for you? Yeah, I don't know. It was fun. What do you mean by that? My mom worked. My dad kind of hung out.

Starting point is 00:16:03 It was cool. What did your mom do for work? She worked in a lot of factories. Wow. Yeah. And your dad stayed at home while your mother was working in factories? Pretty much. He would make us clean the house and take the credit, actually.

Starting point is 00:16:14 So he's a smart guy. Incredible. And you live in Colorado now? I sure do, yeah. What part? Denver. Okay, in the city? Thornt do, yeah. What part? Denver. Okay, in the city? Thornton, technically, yeah, but North Denver.

Starting point is 00:16:29 Represent. North Denver. Okay, yeah, you're not in Denver, so it's hard to represent here. Brian Simpson. I told you, I feel like we talking to two different people, and I only like one of them. Is this a dating app right now?

Starting point is 00:16:45 Wow, this is... Justin, are you really on dating apps? Sadly, yeah. Okay, and how does that go for you? Not going good, Tony. Have you been on a date from it? Not in a while, no. Not in a while, so yes.

Starting point is 00:17:04 Not in a long time. It's just a lot of empty chatting, you know? No, no. Not in a while, so yes. Uh, not in a long time. It's just a lot of empty chatting, you know? No, I don't know. Don't know. You're not on it. I'm asking you. I'm trying to gather the information so that we could talk about it. It's very hard to get answers out of you. I forget everyone's not this alone.

Starting point is 00:17:17 You're afraid your solar bosses are listening all of a sudden. Your solar overlords. Well, cheating on those drug tests is not cheap, dude. It's like... Now you're fired, I mean. Yeah, I mean... I wouldn't do that. Obvious, now.

Starting point is 00:17:33 You and your son are gonna be dirt biking high together for a while. And he li... Does he still live with you? Uh, yeah, kind of. He goes back and forth between my house and his mom's house, so... At 18? Yeah, he, like, he's. He goes back and forth between my house and his mom's house. At 18? Yeah, he's a big mama's boy,

Starting point is 00:17:47 so I can't argue with it, you know? You could. You're the father. You could literally inspire him to get his life together. I try. I'll threaten to take away the cell phone or the car or something. It just doesn't have the same effect at my age, you know, when I was that age.

Starting point is 00:18:03 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You cut off the Internet, though? You can really effect at my, you know, when I was that age. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. You cut off the Internet, though? You can really get to him, you know? That's when you can really get to him. What does he do if there's no Internet? Oh, he'll have a real big fit. It's fun. It's like, damn, I actually feel like you love me right now. Let me turn the Internet back on.

Starting point is 00:18:19 No! Wow. This is all so bizarre, Chas. Just kidding. I don't do that. I'm sorry, guys. Red band has a question. I mean, for 18, he doesn't have any job. Do you guys still give him money? I've been asking him to get a job.

Starting point is 00:18:33 No, I have not given him money in a while. He's been going to the plasma center to make ends meet. You can only make so much money. Yeah, you realize your kid's gonna run out of fucking blood soon? Dude, I tell him. I'm like, that's precious shit, dog. You got to hold on to that stuff. But can't get through to these kids, you know?

Starting point is 00:18:49 How long have you been doing stand-up? About four years. Four years. My god. All of it there in Denver, the Comedy Works? Kind of, yeah. Yeah, kind of hitting the Denver scene kind of hard. Right, hitting it hard.

Starting point is 00:19:01 You take your dirt bike to shows? Yeah, because the parking is so convenient. You know, you just put it on the sidewalk, no one knows. Give us some more white trash things about you. You know, we're grazing upon it with the dirt bike. I want to know more about you. Let's just delve right in. A little more into Justin. I'm really into, like, leftover foods.

Starting point is 00:19:19 Oh, yeah, here we go. Okay, let's talk about it. Yeah. We all, it's a big leftover food audience we have here tonight. Tell us what your limits are. So let's say you had like chicken and rice, right? For dinner or something. Let's say it's grilled chicken.

Starting point is 00:19:34 That's part sub, you know. That's what? It's mid. That's what the kids would call mid. But why, why would they call the chicken and rice mid? Well, you know, like, for example, when I'm eating like like, leftover chicken curry, I like that because the inside of my microwave

Starting point is 00:19:47 will actually match my toilet bowl. And decor is important. Oh, Jesus. Justin. Why don't you just stick with the easy questions that I'm asking you? Trying to set you up for success here, and you keep turning this into a... Colorado open mic fucking...

Starting point is 00:20:04 True. That is what I'm talking about. The toilet look like a dirty microwave on the top. I'm done with it. You fucking idiot. So let's talk about it. I want, I'm curious to know. You're into leftovers.

Starting point is 00:20:17 So how far would you let it, you brought up chicken curry. Let's go chicken curry. Let's say you order chicken curry at nighttime. We'll say 6 p.m. even. Early evening dinner, right? What's the longest you'll let that chicken curry? Now, are you a keep it out lukewarm leftover, or are we talking into the refrigerator leftovers?

Starting point is 00:20:36 Well, it depends on the amount of curry in there because that kind of, like, keeps it stable for a while. You're trying to overthink everything that I'm asking you. These are all simple questions. We're all setting it up here. I'll tell you, a week, one week. Oh, that's fucking disgusting. Oh, that's terrible.

Starting point is 00:20:50 Oh, that's terrible. That's not good. How about in the refrigerator? How long in the refrigerator? Oh, in the refrigerator one week. No, I know, I know. Nobody laughed. It's crazy, but...

Starting point is 00:21:01 Brian Simpson. I think we figured out why he's not getting no dates on the apps. Yeah, because he's shitting his pants. I'm going to check in with my senior leftover correspondent, Brian Redban here, who is the master of leftovers. He will have leftovers until there are none left over. He dilapidates them. Leftovers fear this ban.

Starting point is 00:21:20 When they go into the refrigerator, they know, oh, we're gonna see that face again. This is the last face that leftovers see before they become nothing leftovers. I hate leftovers. Oh, whoa. Mr. Fresh over here. I like it fresh.

Starting point is 00:21:37 I keep it out for a couple hours just to see if I want to dig back in, but other than that, I have the girl eat it. It is true. I will leave things out for about an hour or two. Truth be told, I will like it, because I'm a bit of a waster. I've worked hard. I've worked very hard.

Starting point is 00:21:58 And I know there's always a feeling nowadays. It wasn't always this way. Back in the day when I really needed that food and I was out of money, I fucking needed it. But there's a thing now. When I put something in the refrigerator, I just know that I'm doing it out of the kindness of my heart. Like, I know for a fact it's definitely going in the trash,

Starting point is 00:22:15 but I go through the thing where, like, I'm a good person. There's starving people, but there's no fucking way. There's no way I'm gonna touch it again. I literally have no idea how to use my microwave. Sometimes pizza, though. I'll go back on pizza. That's about the only thing. I bet you fucking will. I bet you will. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:22:33 Ah, we're having fun here. Red Band and I have worked together for 12 years, if you can't tell. Um... What else? Anything else crazy we should know about you before I let you go? This has gone on way too long for how good you are

Starting point is 00:22:45 at answering questions. Yeah. Perfect. Here's a little joke book, buddy. Congratulations. We'll see you again soon. On we go. And that's how it works. Justin Platt, say... Oh, my God.

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Starting point is 00:24:08 Just pay $5 shipping. That's promo code Tony. Visit BlueChu.com for more details and important safety information. And we thank BlueChu for sponsoring the podcast. This podcast is sponsored by Nicked. Look folks, we love Nicked. They've totally changed the game for nicotine pouches.

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Starting point is 00:25:35 Yeah. I recently realized I got fat. Yeah, like I went to the strip club and she started playing with my titties. I'm like, yo, leave my titties alone. I got sensitive nipples. No, but I'm trying to lose weight because I'm trying to date, you know, but I'm 5'5".

Starting point is 00:25:57 But on Tinder, I'm 5'9". But that's still not good enough. Women are like, you're short. I don't like to think about it that way. I'm the average height of a woman. I don't feel like a short man. I feel like not good enough. Women are like, you're short. I don't like to think about it that way. I'm the average height of a woman. I don't feel like a short man. I feel like a bad bitch. Period.

Starting point is 00:26:11 Slay. Whatever they say. No, but I found a way to get taller, right? You can have surgery. But what they don't tell you is, it only makes you three inches taller. So you want me to go to surgery so I can be 5'8"? I mean, fucked up.

Starting point is 00:26:26 If I'm adding three inches to anywhere, it's not gonna be my height. Like, three inches won't make me six feet tall, but it'll finally make me six inches. Yeah. All right, thank you, guys. That's what I'm in. Yeah! Henry Cruz.

Starting point is 00:26:46 No way that he could have known that he's the second comedian in a row to lie about his height on a dating app. Is that what everybody's doing nowadays? Apparently you've been lying, man. Hell yeah, dude. All right, well welcome, welcome. Are you really 5'5"?

Starting point is 00:27:03 Yeah, 5'5", with shoes on, 5'4", without. Oh wait, what? 5'4", without my shoes, welcome. Are you really 5'5"? Yeah, 5'5", with shoes on, 5'4", without. Oh, wait, what? 5'4", without my shoes, man. 5'4", without shoes? Yeah, without the shoes. What kind of shoes we rocking here? Those have a pretty big heel. Ah, Yoni, let's get the tape measure out here.

Starting point is 00:27:20 I have a feeling we might get lucky here. If he's 5'3", I'm buying the whole place a shot of tequila right now. I'm in a mood tonight. I'm in a mood. Here we go. The moment of truth. Oh, oh, oh. Shoes off.

Starting point is 00:27:41 Get those fucking shoes off, Henry Cruz. Oh, the lights are flashing. The sound guy clearly Jonesing Bird shot up Tequila. Whoa! Whoa! The crowd is into it! Stay still. Five, three and a half? Five, three and a half!

Starting point is 00:28:00 Five, three and a half. Five, three and a half. Five, three and a half. Five, three and a half, ladies and gentlemen. To think you guys were only a half an inch away from getting a shot of tequila here tonight. Absolutely incredible. We got to follow the rules. Rules is rules. Yoni's a genius. Thank you, Yoni, for protecting me. Oh, boo!

Starting point is 00:28:27 Buy yourselves a shot. Yeah. Yonis. That almost felt like a weird slave auction. For a slave, we were... For a slave, we were throwing out. Like, yeah, this one's no good. Oh, man. No doubt. Hey, one's no good. Oh, man.

Starting point is 00:28:46 No doubt. Hey, I'm tall for Salvadorians, man. I'm tall. Is that what you are, Salvadorian? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not Mexican. Salvadorian. You're 100%?

Starting point is 00:28:55 Uh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Are you sure about that? I was born here, you know what I mean? You were born here, okay? Everybody says that now. With our new president of the United States. People make a real point in that. When you're a Spaniard, you're born here.

Starting point is 00:29:03 You're born here, okay? You're born here, okay? You're born here, okay? You're born here, okay? You're born here, okay? You're born here, okay? Everybody says that now. With our new president of the United States. People make a real point. When you're Hispanic, that's like the, um, 21. Now that I... Yeah. Yeah. I was born here. Sure you were. What do your El Salvadorian parents do for a living? One of them's dead, and the other one's, you know,

Starting point is 00:29:22 cleaning lady. Typical, right? Okay. How'd Dad die? Uh, cancer. Yeah, cancer. Wow. Oh, my goodness gracious. Wow. When did that happen? Uh, 2020. 2020. 2020. My goodness.

Starting point is 00:29:42 My goodness. That must have been hard, huh? Yeah, we get over it. We get through it. Okay. All right, looks like you kind of enjoyed it. Yeah. What kind of cancer was it? What was it? Pancreas? Yeah, pancreas. Oh, shit. Yeah, the pancreatic cancer. That's a tough one. That works.

Starting point is 00:30:03 Henry, what do you do for a living? So I deliver snacks. Route Drive delivers snacks. You deliver snacks, specifically only snacks? Yeah. Our Route Drive delivers snacks, you know, sometimes we can... What kind of snacks are you talking about? Like convenience stores, you know, I go to the stores. You only do convenience stores?

Starting point is 00:30:22 Well, yeah, we get the bundles of like snacks and we take them to like different places, you know, as I said. Your friend sending you to the store is not an occupation. Like. Yeah, what exactly is this service called? Well, I can't name the company,

Starting point is 00:30:38 but we just deliver like, you know, how they have bags of chips and stuff like that, drinks. So I just take it to them, you know? To the stores? Yeah, yeah. You're delivering from the warehouse to the stores? Yeah, to the stores everywhere, yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:30:51 All right. Yeah, sometimes a few snacks go missing, but you know. Oh shit, what are your favorite kind of snacks? I like Doritos, man. Oh shit, very simple man. Nacho Cheesy or Cooler Ranch? Oh, he loves Cooler Ranch. Cooler Ranch. Fuck yeah, Cool simple man. Nacho Cheesy or Cooler Ranch? Oh, he loves Cooler Ranch. Cool Ranch.

Starting point is 00:31:06 Fuck yeah. Cooler Ranch. All right, what's your love life like, Henry? What's it like being five three and a half telling people that you're five five, lying, truly a horrible lie about being five nine? Oh man. What's it like living this life of El Salvadorian dwarfism?

Starting point is 00:31:24 What? What? Well, I mean, it doesn't help that I'm bad at sex, too, so it's going like... Tell us more. What do you mean you're bad at sex? You're having a little problem with the puposa? Yeah. Nice. It's a good reference.

Starting point is 00:31:37 That's an El Salvadorian treat. Yeah, you got to know. It's a delicacy in El Salvador. A puposa. I might not know about the bean, but I know about puposas. What's your problem in the bedroom? Can you not get on the bed all the way?

Starting point is 00:31:54 Hey, let me out, let me out. Hey, old, can you put a little trampoline at the end of the bed? I'm gonna fucking get up there like a luchador, dude. Baby, please help me. You said you'd never let go. I'm dying down here, dude. Hey, babe, come under the bed.

Starting point is 00:32:12 Come under here. I swear to God, I'm gonna please you, dude. I'm gonna eat that pussy like a bag of Cooler Ranch Doritos. Come on, baby. I want to make a snack go missing here. Oh, yeah. All right. Well, I do have asthma, so that doesn't help. God.

Starting point is 00:32:32 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Whoo! Oh, my God. Do you have an inhaler? Yeah, I got two in the back right now. Oh, my God!

Starting point is 00:32:46 Wow, you have a backup just in case? Yeah, I got two, man. This is a tough life. And when you're with a girl, sometimes that takes your breath away. I'm sure you get a little nervous, a little excited. So you got to pump on that shit, and her pussy goes drier than David Jolly's elbows.

Starting point is 00:33:03 She's got a rub lotion on her pussy. Three layers from what I understand. Three layers of lotion it takes. So that happens where you need to use the inhaler on a girl, you're like, hey baby, I swear to God. I'm a fucker. I swear to God, when I catch my breath. Well, I used to hide it.

Starting point is 00:33:23 Like that's why I wear socks in bed, because I just hide it in there. You keep an inhaler in your sock? Yeah, I like it. And at five-three, I bet that shit's clanking against the floor. Tick-a-ta-tick-a-tick-a-tick, it sounds like a horse. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:33:40 Oh my God. So give us an example of a time where you've really blown it in the bedroom. Oh, well one time she told me, hey, can you use a finger? Like, you know, she said sex is boring, but I gave her a wet willy. I don't think that's what she meant.

Starting point is 00:33:55 But... It was... It was... It was... It was... It was... It was... It was...

Starting point is 00:34:03 Wow. She was like, wrong hole. Oh. All right. There you go. Very good. Self-deprecating humor. We love that here. Henry, anything else crazy we should know about you before we keep it moving here?

Starting point is 00:34:18 Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... Uh... we should know about you before we keep it moving here? I like how this is going. It's good. It's a good interview. I'm so glad you lied about your height and that you're an embarrassment in the bedroom. You gave us a lot to work with,

Starting point is 00:34:38 and that's what the show's all about, you know? It's not necessarily about the minute. It's about being honest in the interview. Clearly, unlike the last guy, You know, it's not necessarily about the minute. It's about being honest in the interview, clearly. Unlike the last guy, you have no fear of losing your snack delivery job. Uh... It can only go up from here, much like your height.

Starting point is 00:34:55 Oh. You know what I'm gonna do? Even though you're a small guy and the set was okay, I'm gonna give you a medium-sized jokebook. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Henry Cruz, here you go, buddy. Oh, shit. He's gotta reach down two and a half feet

Starting point is 00:35:14 to pick that up right now. Look at that, he didn't even have to bend over. That's the joy of being three foot four inches in the air. There he goes, the debut of Henry Cruz. Oh, we're cooking, baby. 67.1 degrees here inside the room. Life is good. On to the next one we go.

Starting point is 00:35:35 Your next bucket full goes by the name of Jessa Knuckles. Jessa Knuckles. This looks like a new name. Here is Jessa, everybody. Hello, hello. Hi, I'm Jessa Knuckles. I recently lost 40 pounds. Whoo!

Starting point is 00:35:54 So it no longer looks like I'm in the rodeo when I try to wipe my ass. However, I did gain 20 back, so it's back to the rodeo. I go ill. My doctor says that I might have sleep apnea, so I really hope it's true that men like Star Wars as much as they say, because lady in the streets, Darth Vader in the sheets.

Starting point is 00:36:22 I'm also a Type 1 diabetic, so between my diabetes and my sleep apnea... I really know how to keep a man... up at night. But on the plus side, I pee so much, men think I'm a squirter. I got accused of... Uh, oh, uh...

Starting point is 00:36:52 I got dumped for having a wondering eye, but it turns out it's just lazy. All right. Thank y'all. Hell, yeah. Jessa Nichols. Knuckles. Knuckles. Oh, yeah. Wouldn't want to get that wrong, absolutely. Hell no.

Starting point is 00:37:07 Hell yeah, that was like a reverse dating app profile what you just did. I lost weight, then I found it, I'm a loud sleeper, type one diabetic, and I piss in the bed, lazy eyes. Stay away everybody, stay away from me. Holy shit, Yanis. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:24 But men aren't desperate, so I'm still getting real. I bet you are. I bet you are. Listen. I like you. I like you. And a little tip for guys out there, if you're trying to save on heat in the winter, date this girl, sleep next to her.

Starting point is 00:37:45 She'll warm you up real good. Hell yeah. I want to get the last guy out here and put him in a jockey outfit and put her on her. Is that okay? Hell yeah, let's do it. She'll probably have trouble breathing. She can borrow his inhaler for a second.

Starting point is 00:38:04 I did wear my best mu-mu for you. It is. What? Nothing better than a cow and a mu-mu. You know what I'm saying? M-mu. I'm Pazzle, man. Pussy. Oh, Antonio Brown. Look at that.

Starting point is 00:38:21 I like to call her a San Antonio 8. Oh, yeah. Oh. I do well in San Antonio. That's what is implied. I'm like a San Antonio 10, honey. Oh, 10. Sorry, 10. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:37 That is exactly what was implied there. So you're a Type 1 diabetic, huh? Yeah, you wouldn't think but true. I mean I would have thought for sure. I'm surprised you got both feet. One is the skinny one. Table of white guys just poured their drinks all over one another in absolute disgust. I love it. Well, you are the best dressed person on stage tonight. It's very nice for you to wear our favorite grandmother's lampshade here.

Starting point is 00:39:17 Jess, so what do you do for work? I'm a dog sitter. A dog sitter? Yes. Wow. You ever walk them? I do walk, Tony. Yeah?

Starting point is 00:39:31 I'm talking about the dogs. Because when you said sitter, I believed that part. I'm wondering if you're ever a dog stander, a dog walker, a dog, uh... Do you squish them? I am fat, Tony. A dog walker, a dog, uh... Do you squish them? I am fat, Tony, it's true. I like your style, Jessa. How long you been doing this? How long did you yawn at?

Starting point is 00:39:57 Not to Brian Simpson, you're not. It is true. I have to check in with my senior anybody will do correspondent My senior may I borrow your sleep apnea mask correspondent It's the skinny niggas that like fat white girls, I'm a fat nigga. We gotta get David. Get David Jolly back out here. They go He introduced her to shea butter and he'll he'll take her down to the bingo hall. You know what I mean? I do love bingo. You just keep nailing me, Tony.

Starting point is 00:40:34 It's like you're in love with me or something. Absolutely. You are my type one. I was... I was... I was... I was... I have a feeling I'm your type, too. Yeah. I was gonna bring you a bath bomb because I hear you like baths,

Starting point is 00:40:55 but they strip you down at the door outside. Ooh, I don't... Okay. That's a lot there. There's a lot there. A lot to unpack. Much like the guys that take. That's a lot there. There's a lot there. A lot to unpack. Much like the guys that take you home, a lot to unpack. Um, so, Jessel, what's an...

Starting point is 00:41:13 Uh... You're a dog sitter. Where do you live? Um, I live in Austin. You live in Austin. How long have you lived in Austin? About 15 years. 15 years. Where were you at? I went to college here. You went to college here. Absolutely. A longhorn.

Starting point is 00:41:28 Yeah. And a wide lady. Yeah. I love it. Okay, Jessa, what do you do for fun? Austin's a very wild place. Lots of things to do. You could float on the river. You could sink on the river. What do you do? Oh, baby, I sink in the bottom of the pool. I love it. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:41:47 So does Brian Simpson. Let's check in with Brian Simpson again. Yeah. Where have been? I already tried to share my sleep apnea mask with you, but you weren't having it, so it's done now. Oh, my goodness. Yeah. Oh, my goodness.

Starting point is 00:42:04 So, Jess, so what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of yours? Uh, I make jewelry. Okay. Is that on sale somewhere? Is it on Etsy or something? Um, it's on my Instagram. Okay. What's your Instagram? Uh, at Jessie B. Boots.

Starting point is 00:42:19 Jessie B. Boots. All right. Yeah. I used to make cowboy boots in college when I made that Instagram, so. Okay. To updating to current events. What made you get out of the boot game? Sexual harassment. You were being sexually harassed?

Starting point is 00:42:36 Yes, I used to be quite the looker, Tony. Oh my goodness. Where do you think you lost, what happened? You know? Sometimes I'm just, like, not trying to be mean, and it just comes across as rude. It was all that dog sitting. What happened?

Starting point is 00:42:51 It was all that dog sitting. Really? No. What, were you eating them? Are you hot dog sitting? How do you... I like my dogs on a bun. Hire me, USA.

Starting point is 00:43:07 Hire me. I love it when people go with the flow. That's amazing. So you didn't graduate college? Oh, I did graduate college. And you're dog-sitting, you're making jewelry? Yeah, I'm doing what I love. Dee Madness, it's okay.

Starting point is 00:43:27 There's a flood watch, Dee, just to let you know. I'll fast-forward it for you so you don't get worried. There's a flood watch tonight. We are watered in here. We have excess water around us. Back to Jess and Nichols here. Knuckles, Tony. Knuckles. Knuckles, yep.

Starting point is 00:43:44 Like a fist. Absolutely. Yana. Is the jewelry around your neck, did you make that? No, this is actually locally done by an artist called Shock Factor. It's very nice. Very nice. I can't tell how big or small it is, you know? It's gargantuan, and it's stained glass. It's one of my favorite pieces. On you it looks small. It's gargantuan and it's stained glass. It's one of my favorite pieces.

Starting point is 00:44:05 On you it looks small. It's incredible. Jessa. Boo. That one was kind of lame. You didn't like that one? Yeah, I thought, I think you can do better. I can and I've done better.

Starting point is 00:44:18 I've done better a bunch. I've roasted the shit out of you for eight and a half minutes. We know I can and have done better. Stop saying roast. It's making her hungry. Yeah. We love you. We love you, Jessa. We love you. I want to get you out of here on a big something.

Starting point is 00:44:37 What else about you? Give me something else. Craziest thing that's ever happened while your dog's sitting. Oh, I have a friend, and her dog has a broken paw. That was how she found the dog, was with the already healed broken paw. And this Rottweiler uses it, we call it her rapin' paw. Uh-huh. Why do you call it that?

Starting point is 00:45:00 Because she uses it to scoop you in so that she can hump you harder. Ah. Okay. Yes. So... I'm fighting these wild dogs off constantly. Well... I think I would lose some weight, but no. No, I'm pretty sure that's your only threat

Starting point is 00:45:18 of being raped, Jess, so that's exciting. Oh, we're groaning now. She said, I could do better. You can roast harder than that. And then you guys go, oh, too much, too far. Shut the fuck up. You know what I'm gonna do? Because I like the way you did this.

Starting point is 00:45:40 I like the way you laughed at yourself and you took it. You're the first person tonight to get a big joke book, Jessa Knuckles. Boom. Thank you. Hey. There goes Jessa Knuckles, ladies and gentlemen. Put that mic, stand back where you got it there, Jessa.

Starting point is 00:45:59 Jessa, put the mic, all right, Jesus Christ. Put the mic, stand back, Jessa. Good enough, Jessa, Jesus Christ. Put the mic stand back, Jessa. Good enough, Jessa, good job. Yeah, that's the way. Last thing we need is Jessa stage diving to get out of here tonight. I'm sure Rogan would love that lawsuit. Six people dead at Comedy

Starting point is 00:46:26 Mothership on 6th Street. Comedian tries to exit the wrong way. At Desjardins Insurance, we know that when you're a building contractor, your company's foundation needs to be strong. That's why our agents go the extra mile to understand your business and provide tailored solutions for all its unique needs. You put your heart into your company, so we put our heart into making sure it's protected. Get insurance that's really big on care.

Starting point is 00:46:57 Find an agent today at Desjardins.com slash business coverage. Hey, what's up? This is Joe from Pascass Podcast by Donut Media. We're an automotive history podcast, but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show. We tell the craziest stories like the first race across America. It was basically 45 days of hell or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the Viper.

Starting point is 00:47:21 We've been doing this podcast for over five years now and and there are still so many crazy stories, it amazes me. It's basically like hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out Pascass wherever you get your podcasts. All right, we know this young man. He's been on the show multiple times. Make some noise for the return of Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen, Michael Ridley. -♪ Hey, how you doing?

Starting point is 00:47:45 -♪ Hey, how you doing? -♪ Hey, how you doing? Hi, hello. I'm just kidding. I'm not that Asian. That'd be crazy. I would kill myself if I was that Asian. I'm just kidding. I wouldn't kill myself. I would cure myself.

Starting point is 00:48:02 All right, cool. You guys are a little racist. You have retarded family members? Anybody? Yeah. You're it, buddy. Yeah, dude, I got a super autistic brother, and it's pretty rough because, like, I just remember as a kid, we used to take him to these interviews

Starting point is 00:48:22 to get him evaluated. And the thing about my brother is, like, he's too retarded to keep a job, but he's not retarded enough to get Social Security benefits. So he's in this gray area of retardation, learning disabled autism. Dude, we would take my brother

Starting point is 00:48:38 to these fucking mental evaluation interviews as a kid, and he's so autistic that he'd be like, now's my time to show these people how smart I am. It would be like this reverse WB Frog situation. We'd bring him into these interviews. Can I finish it? Thank you, Joe. I'm just asking for permission.

Starting point is 00:48:58 Wow. Are you the retarded family member? Yeah. Holy shit. What am I supposed to do? All right, you're done. Okay. You want to finish it, finish it.

Starting point is 00:49:08 Okay, I'll finish it. It's not gonna work now, but finish it. No, no, it'll work. Oh yeah, it'll totally work. Go ahead. I don't know what I'm talking about. We'd bring him into these interviews and he'd suddenly become a fluent as fuck.

Starting point is 00:49:18 We'd walk in and be like, yes, the triangle goes in the triangle hole and the square goes in the square hole. That's red, that's green, and that's blue. And then we'd get back in the car, and he'd just... I'm Michael Ridley. Thank you so much. There you go. Okay. There you go. Hi, Michael.

Starting point is 00:49:41 Hey, Tony. How are you? Is this true you have a retarded family member? I have a younger brother who's severely autistic, yeah. Severely autistic. Yeah, he's 30. Okay, and he really doesn't work? He tries to. What does he do?

Starting point is 00:49:54 Usually like Taco Bell or like food service, and then he gets through the first two weeks. So he's basically the most employed person out of any of the bucket pulls we've had here tonight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I eat the whiff of snacks. I dog sit. basically the most employed person out of any of the bucket pulls we've had here tonight. I do with those snacks. I dog sit. I get high and wide bike. We did have a dirt bike. It was sick. A little 50cc.

Starting point is 00:50:16 He's got a dirt bike. He did. He loves bikes, dude. That's his thing. Okay. All right. Do you ever ride with him? I haven't seen him in a while, dude. I'm out here grinding. He's back in Virginia where I'm from. Okay. I haven't talked to him in many moons.

Starting point is 00:50:30 How do you think he's gonna feel when he sees us? Let's check in with Brian Simpson here. Hey, Brian. I feel like severely retarded people need four wheels minimum. That's a good point. Right? Y'all let us nigh out on two wheels? That's crazy.

Starting point is 00:50:42 That's a good point. It's a regular bike. They call it a dirt bike because it's covered in dirt because he falls so much. Oh, dude, he eats shit on those things, dude. He's crazy. I bet those people do eat shit sometimes. Michael, let's talk about you because I don't think the apple falls

Starting point is 00:50:58 far from the tree in this family. What are you doing for work? I've been doing stand-up full-time since April. I'm just doing spots all over Austin. It's a nightmare. When you say you're doing stand-up full-time since April. I'm just doing spots all over Austin. It's a nightmare. When you say you're doing stand-up full-time as a job, how much money are you making, Michael? Uh, well, I'm doing a podcast.

Starting point is 00:51:13 I'm hosting whatever I can. I've been hosting roast battles for Roast Battle Austin. I did one at... That's not stand-up. How much do you get paid for that? Uh, I did like... I got like 70 for that. 70? To host a whole Creek Roast Battle. Yeah. OK, that's actually more than I would have expected.

Starting point is 00:51:29 So 70. How much are you making from your podcast? My podcast makes like 150 a month right now. From where? Where are you getting that one? Patreon, baby. People. Yeah, I have a solid group of Frog Nation. Frog Nation. Yeah. What's the membership? Ten bucks a month? We got a we got one dollar, five dollar, ten and twenty. We got a shit ton of twenty dollars. You have a shit ton. You know how

Starting point is 00:51:56 many you can have to make a hundred and fifty dollars? That's seven. Seven would be the maximum. Dude that's a lot. A shit ton? Dude, that's a lot. People are giving me 20, that's like 70s. I wish we were so easily satisfied with 20 followers. You know, it ain't much, but it's an honest start, you know? Okay. All right, Michael, it is an honest start. So $150 a month plus 70 for a show that happens monthly? You host it monthly or?

Starting point is 00:52:22 I fill in for the current host. He's on vacation. So even the $70, that was the luck of God. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But you're counting on this $150 a month, and you have to split that with a co-host, right? Mm-mm. That's just you?

Starting point is 00:52:36 That was for me, yeah. Wow, incredible. Like officiated all the battles, did opening spot, and then hosted the pre-showcase before the battles. So Ballpark, what do you think you made this past month? This past month, probably cleared, like, shit, doggy, like, three-four-hundred.

Starting point is 00:52:50 Wow. And you have, I happen to know, because she works here. You have a girlfriend that works here. I have a wife, yes. A wife that works here. Yes. And she's taking care of you. I take care, we take care of each other.

Starting point is 00:53:01 How do you take care of her? Uh, I've adopted the role of house husband. Uh, shit. Yeah, I'm a bitch. Yeah, I don't know if you guys understand how emasculating it is to get a peck on the cheek while you're doing the dishes, but I would not recommend it at all.

Starting point is 00:53:20 Heck, yeah. All right. I always wonder, like, why doesn't more comics have, like, a lunch shift at a restaurant or working, like, a 9-4 job? I mean, my whole life, I've had two or three jobs my whole entire life. Like, I don't understand this rely-on-comedy shit at all. So it wasn't like this always on comedy shit at all. Yeah. So it wasn't like this always.

Starting point is 00:53:47 When I first moved to Austin three years ago, I was working at Vulcan. I had a work from home job and I used to work for Killtony. So I was like spread very thin. You worked for Killtony? Yeah, I worked for you for like a year. The first year, mothership opened. Really? You worked for us for a year?

Starting point is 00:54:04 That would be a little bit. I'm getting a smaller... You're like the guy that lied about his height. I'm getting a... Yeah, he's the one for you guys. A lot of free hoodies. Okay, we're gonna need those back. Uh... We're gonna have you wash them since you're a house bitch,

Starting point is 00:54:20 and then you can give them back to us. All right. Michael, anything else crazy we should know about you before? I've been training, uh, have you wash them since you're a house bitch and then you can give them back to us. All right, Michael, anything else crazy we should know about you before? I've been training a jujitsu with the mothership security guards for the last three months.

Starting point is 00:54:34 Wow, okay. I'm getting so powerful, dude. And do you have to pay for that? No, my wife pays for it. Oh, my God. I get her discount. I get her discount. Wow. Guys, what do we think? Who is this woman that believes in him so much?

Starting point is 00:54:53 Jesus Christ. Uh, it's a... It's a woman that's orgasming quite frequently. I don't know about that. I find this to be impossible. Tell us how you do it, Michael. The guys listening to this show all want to know your secret. With a face like that, what the fuck do you do?

Starting point is 00:55:17 Uh... Jesus, it made it worse! Frog style. Frog style squat, point it down. What does that mean? You have her legs over her head or something? No, she's like, maybe in a, like, your lady is probably like in a missionary position and her legs are on your shoulders.

Starting point is 00:55:35 This feels a lot like a jujitsu class right now, but stick with me. No, this makes sense, actually. Yeah, her legs on your shoulders, your feet are on the bed like so, sumo style, froggy style, and then you just bounce on the bed. Right, okay. That actually makes sense. It's one of the rare times that I've gotten an actual, physical, correct answer

Starting point is 00:55:56 from the question, how do you please your woman in the bedroom? Yeah. I think it's been 12 years I've been asking that question. People are like, oh, I just hit my inhaler and pray for the best. But not you, you gave an actual answer there. Yeah, I'd be fucking.

Starting point is 00:56:10 That's incredible. That is incredible. That's a lesson for everyone out there. Hit different angles, try different things, experiment. Very good, congratulations. You already have joke books, right? I have one, yeah, I have one from three years ago, yep. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 00:56:26 Is it filled? No, it sits on my thing as like a memento to keep going. There you go. Well, they'll keep going for sure. It's your only option, Michael. All right, bye-bye. Michael Ridley, ladies and gentlemen. I love you guys.

Starting point is 00:56:38 That's good. Another bucket pull out here, and then we're going to do our special treat that we have. This next comedian looks like a new, maybe we've seen this before. Make some noise, here we go, for bucket pull, Matt Suri, everyone, Matt Suri. -♪

Starting point is 00:56:57 -"What is up, mothership?" Whoo! Now, obviously, you can tell I'm into extreme sports. Actually, it's so true. I tried to go skydiving for my birthday the other year. Now, I say tried, because when I got to the airfield, the lady took one look at me and was like,

Starting point is 00:57:18 yeah, no, sorry. Apparently, I'm too fat to fall from the sky. Something about the reserve chute not supporting my mass. I'm like, I've seen him drop tanks into Ukraine, all right? It's crazy, man. I mean, I hit the gym, but, you know, I got a hernia. And it's not even a real man's hernia. It's an umbilical hernia, which basically means

Starting point is 00:57:45 I'm so fat my stomach has nowhere else to go. It's trying to come out my belly button. It's crazy. But it's not all bad, it's not all bad. The other day at work, my boss said an idea I had was worth its weight in gold. And that got me thinking, what would I be worth if I were worth my weight in gold?

Starting point is 00:58:04 So I figured it out. I'd be worth $15,492,675. That's right, I'm a cash cow. Now I just got to decide, do I want to sacrifice half of that just to go skydiving? All right, thanks a lot, you guys. All right, Matt Suri. Okay.

Starting point is 00:58:23 Matt. What's up? A lot of facts there. Just a lot of facts. The hernia thing was a fact. The weight in gold was a fact. I'm pretty sure we all wanna see that fucking belly button. Am I correct right now?

Starting point is 00:58:41 Maybe I'm the only one? I mean, I don't know if they can handle it. I think they can handle it. Just find Keno on the lights. Give it to me. Sometimes our stoner lighting sound guy isn't paying attention to the show. Sometimes he is.

Starting point is 00:58:57 You never know. Oh, my God. Is that a... What is that? A rag? Wait a second. Let me see that fucking thing. Pull it out again. Oh shit! Oh shit, he's got a ball sack attached to his stomach. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:59:17 He's got, that's more than an Audi, my friend. That is, it's more like the car. A-U-D-I. You could fit a family of five in that fucking belly button of yours. What are you gonna do, man? I don't know. What are you gonna do, man? That's a question for you and your doctor.

Starting point is 00:59:36 Yeah, I don't know. Wow. What did they tell you? Lose weight. Okay. And how's that going? I mean, it goes pretty good, and then I gain it all the fuck back again. How do you do it? How do you lose it?

Starting point is 00:59:48 How do you gain it? I actually lost a lot of it just down the road at Optimum Health Institute, doing like a juice fast and stuff. Okay. Yeah, that works. I lost like 90 pounds. And then what'd you do?

Starting point is 00:59:59 I just started eating again. What were you eating? I mean, just normal shit, man, but it's like stress. The stress, the fucking weight just stays on. Wow. Yeah, man. Wow, what are you stressed about? I just lost my job last week, man.

Starting point is 01:00:13 Oh, my goodness. What was the job? I was a quality manager. A quality manager for what? For a co-packed beverage company. Quality managers. What exactly does that mean? I just monitor food safety and food safety quality systems. Uh-huh. So how did you lose the job?

Starting point is 01:00:30 You seemed like you'd be great at monitoring food. It seems like I, uh... I helped him with the... How did you lose your job? I was basically hired just to help them get through their certification, did that and then it was like... How long did you have the job? Four months.

Starting point is 01:00:58 Okay, what did you do before that? Similar thing. Same similar thing. Yeah, food safety for another, for actually a pet food manufacturer. Is that what you do? You do food safety? Food safety, yeah. And I used to do auditing full time.

Starting point is 01:01:10 Auditing? Yeah. Okay. Did you get too intimate with the food? Well, you know. Who fired you? Lost prevention? Like.

Starting point is 01:01:19 You motherfucker. Hit your fucking noise, man. You know what? You motherfucker. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You did it again, Red Band. Yeah, man. I love it. So Matt Suri, tell us more about you. Tell us something very interesting. I sang a solo at Carnegie Hall. You did what? I sang a solo at Carnegie Hall. What the hell kind of solo did you sing at Carnegie Hall? It was Kyrie.

Starting point is 01:01:59 What is it, opera? What is that? It's like classical. You sing? Yeah. Oh, let's fucking classical. You sing? Yeah. Oh, let's fucking hear a little something. Let's hear a little something. You want the band with you or are you gonna go solo?

Starting point is 01:02:13 I'll just sing you what I sang. Beautiful, let's do it. All right, hold on. Sing your heart out and your belly button out. Buh-buh-buh-buh-buh-buh. Kee-ree-ee-ee-ee-ee. No, that gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 01:02:27 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 01:02:35 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

Starting point is 01:02:43 I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I felt the fucking test. -♪ Piddy-ay... What? -♪ Ile son... -♪ Keep going, keep going. I enjoyed the comedy more than that. -♪ Piddy-ay...

Starting point is 01:02:59 Is there like a peak part? Is there like a... That's it? There's no like climax to it or anything there like a... That was it. That's it? That was it. There's no like climax to it or anything? No, nothing else, man. Jesus, I guess we could all fucking sing at Carnegie Hall then.

Starting point is 01:03:11 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my goodness gracious. How old are you?

Starting point is 01:03:21 Oh man. Deep madness is back. 49 on Saturday. 49 on Saturday. Yeah. I bet you he wishes he was deaf right this moment. Yeah. Yeah, Brian. Do you realize every single, go back and look at this shit.

Starting point is 01:03:37 Every single time I'm a guest on Kill Tony, one of these motherfuckers said he could rap or sing. It turns into fucking American Idol. But you're not gonna play the drums, Brian? Well, you were the only one that was lying. Everybody else... ["He's Right"] He is right

Starting point is 01:03:58 We can all sing like you. Wow. My goodness. All right, Matt Suri. Well, we had fun here tonight. How did it feel for you? It was cool, man. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:15 Well, sign up. Do it again. Have you been on this show before? No, it's first time signing up. OK, first time signing up. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:27 Yeah. Maybe a little hernia, extreme sports or hernia. What do you guys think, small or big? Big. Big. Small. Big. Big.

Starting point is 01:04:40 Big. Big. Yeah. Yeah. Small. Yeah. Yeah. There he is, Matt Surrey, ladies and gentlemen. Sign up again. Do it again sometime, Matt.

Starting point is 01:04:52 Happy last birthday. Whether it's a family member, friend or furry companion joining your summer road trip, enjoy the peace of mind that comes with Volvo's legendary safety. During Volvo Discover Days, enjoy limited time savings as you make plans to cruise through Muscogee or down Toronto's bustling streets. From now until June 30th, lease a 2025 Volvo XC60 from 1.74% and save up to $4,000. Conditions apply. Visit your GTA Volvo retailer or go to volvocars.ca for full details. All right. We have a special something happening right now.

Starting point is 01:05:29 Cam Patterson is a star and is shooting a goddamn movie right now. He is literally a star. So he's not going to make it tonight. In his place, we're going to do something a little fun. For the first time in the show's history, ever in the show's history, this is someone that won the spot

Starting point is 01:05:51 away from the show, after another show on a different night. I, me, and this man, who happens to be one of the best poker players in the world, considered the number one heads up, which means one-on-one poker player in the world. We played Texas Hold'em here at Mitzi's until 5.30 in the morning.

Starting point is 01:06:18 On the line, I could have won $40,000, or he wins a spot on Kill Tony. And here he is. Ladies and gentlemen, making his Kill Tony debut. This is a minute of comedy. He's been preparing a month for this. We're gonna have some fun right now. Make some noise for Doug Polk, everybody.

Starting point is 01:06:39 -♪ Californians. We're gonna build a wall, and we're gonna make New Mexico pay for it. And for the record, I don't understand why they're coming here anyway. Over the last few years, the California real estate market's been on fire. Yeah! Whoo!

Starting point is 01:07:24 Yeah! Maybe they're just a little burned out. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:32 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:07:40 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? How is that funny? I didn't think much about it, but then the other day, my friend called me and said, hey, where are you going out tonight, man? I just want to make sure I know where you are.

Starting point is 01:07:53 And then it dawned on me. My friend thinks I'm a murderer. But that makes no sense, because I love gay men. And we love you, too, Doug. And we love you, too. I'll tell you, I'm pretty sure, I'm right here, I'm pretty sure that's the best set of the night from everybody. Absolutely incredible.

Starting point is 01:08:18 When you put your mind to it. I mean, you've been practicing for a month. We're buddies now. I met you that night. And we were in a crazy fucking night. It's just one of those nights where it was like a fucking Scorsese movie. I kind of told the story a couple weeks ago. But it was just people telling me, hey,

Starting point is 01:08:37 do you know the best heads up poker player in the world's here at your after party? Every Monday, we have a little party after each taping. And I kept hearing it all night. You were on the other side of the bar. I had no idea who you were. And then by the time we finally got to meet, by the time our paths crossed,

Starting point is 01:08:52 I was just drunk enough to challenge you to poker. Turns out you run what, from what I'm told, is literally the best poker facility in the country. Yeah, Lodge Card Club here in Austin, Texas. Yeah. Yeah, that's what's up. By the way, so when we first met, I thought we would, like, exchange names, like, some pleasantries.

Starting point is 01:09:13 And I'm like, hi, I'm Doug. He's like, I'll fucking beat you in poker. Yeah. I was excited. Where did that come from? Like, all right, let's see what we can do. We have fun. But you were ready to go. Yeah, that is a Monday night brought to you by Whiskey and Tequila.

Starting point is 01:09:25 See, I sip whiskey and I do shots of tequila. It's a problem. I'm going to be joining Henry Cruz's father in the pancreatic cancer department real soon. It's a ticking time bomb, so enjoy the show while it lasts. But on Monday nights is when I really let it rip. I'm kind of in more chill throughout the week and I blow my liver to shreds on Monday nights is when I really let it rip. I'm kind of in more chill throughout the week and I blow my liver to shreds on Monday nights.

Starting point is 01:09:48 And boy oh boy, you met me at about what? 12.30, one a.m. on a Monday night and we played poker until 5.30 a.m. Everybody, and it was one of those games where it wasn't just like us. It was fucking, everyone was around us. It was a very entertaining game, you're fun to play with. I was fucking talking everyone was around us. It was a very entertaining game. You're fun to play with. I was fucking talking shit, having fun.

Starting point is 01:10:07 It was a great time. Doing things like looking at one card and fucking seeing a king and betting big and just hoping the other card was good. We were having fun. No, no, I saw how you played. You played, you were really aggressive. You were a pretty crazy player.

Starting point is 01:10:20 Yeah. That kind of makes sense. Yeah. I feel like I made a mistake though with the negotiation for the stakes, right? Because I was like, all right, I wanna go in the show, I'll put up some money. I was kind of drunk too, so I was like,

Starting point is 01:10:32 how about $20,000? And he's like, done. I was like, oh shit, I probably should have opened lower on that. Yeah, but- Kind of worked my way up, might have been good. And I won that first game, for those of you that don't know But it all happened so fast. I realized afterwards that I'm the sucker. I

Starting point is 01:10:50 Didn't realize what was happening there, but by letting me win one and I go well now I want to play So what what was it then? It was basically the same bet dude. We were so drunk I don't think either one of us can retell the story. Y'all sound so fucking gay. Y'all are flirting back and forth. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Come on, let it out.

Starting point is 01:11:10 So it was like they forgot it. Let it out. So it was like they forgot it. Let it out. Let it out. Yeah. It was a wild night. Fuck already.

Starting point is 01:11:18 Jesus Christ. He's like, how do we beat? No, no, no, dude, you tell the story. You tell the credit. You tell it. We had so much fun. It was a crazy story. We were so credit. You tell it. We had so much fun. It was a crazy story.

Starting point is 01:11:26 We were so drunk, we were shooting tequila and whiskey. Met this handsome man. Which one's the handsome man? Oh, okay. That's why, you know what? The universe isn't fair. We've had these fucking disabled people come up here. Can't put a joke together.

Starting point is 01:11:44 This fucking guy just started comedy three minutes ago, comes up here with a beautiful face and blows everybody out of the water. God's not real. And not only did he have the best set, tell our, tell the people, how much money do you think you've made playing poker, Doug, with poker?

Starting point is 01:11:59 So I've won about 10 million in tournaments. Yeah. No big deal. This is why I want to butt-fuck this guy. Don't ruin it for me, Yanis. Don't ruin it for me. If I'm finally gonna be as gay as everybody wants me to, Doug's gonna be the guy that takes my butt virginity.

Starting point is 01:12:19 Have you ever heard of Froggy Sile before? I want you to hit it missionary, dude. I'm face to face. I know I had a bit on it, but I don't actually love gay men. Oh, no, I know. They love you, I'll tell you that right now. We're gonna play again tonight. Winner take all. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:45 So Doug, what's it like out there being a fucking actual pro poker player? What's like a, give us an example of another crazy night or something or anything wild that you've seen. Yeah, so I've had some pretty big wins and some pretty big losses. One weekend I lost a million dollars playing online poker

Starting point is 01:13:04 and I went down to the lobby, and I was really sad. They had, like, police everywhere. And I asked the hotel person, I'm like, why is everyone, why aren't these police officers here? Like, oh, someone killed themselves this weekend. And it was, uh, it was someone from Glee. Like, one of the lead people from Glee at Fairmont Pacific Rim.

Starting point is 01:13:22 He killed himself in the hotel I was staying at, and I was like, okay, I guess I'm having the second worst weekend. Yeah. Yeah, that's amazing. He's even fucking killing with follow-up jokes. Jesus Christ. He didn't even write that one.

Starting point is 01:13:41 He's a natural. That's why I'm in love with him. I'm telling you. Do you think you're gonna continue doing stand-up? Like, is this something you really want to do? Yeah, so I've been doing it for, like, a month now. Um, I've... It seems like a lot of fun. I enjoy it. For some reason, I'm always worried I'm gonna, like, forget things.

Starting point is 01:13:58 I don't know if you guys... Yeah, that's how it starts. The memory builds after a while. Uh, for most people, William Montgomery still reads off of no cards, that's how it starts. The memory builds after a while. For most people, William Montgomery still reads off of no cards, but everyone else, it naturally happens. I remember, especially the first fucking couple few years, I'm like, Jesus Christ, how do people do longer sets without fucking? But the memory...

Starting point is 01:14:21 And also the more that you write, the more that you like your jokes, the more that you're excited to tell them and don't want to forget them. So, like, as the jokes get better, they become easier to remember, if that makes sense. Yeah, I-I could imagine that. So, I-I do a lot of, like, online videos and stuff, and it's just-it's so different when you record YouTube videos,

Starting point is 01:14:38 because, like, you're like, what's up, guys? Doug Polk here. I didn't like that one. Delete. Okay, we're not- Right. Nope, you heard that. Yep. Yep. It's true're not. Here, it's like, nope, you heard that. Yep. Yep. It's true. It's absolutely true, Doug. Well, anything else for Doug, guys?

Starting point is 01:14:51 Brian, all you're gonna say is that we're gay and then put the mic down for the rest of the show? Hey, you got, you got his gay shit. It was time. No, but, yeah, you'll slowly, you'll slowly, like, empty out the part of your mind that, like, cares about people and things, and you'll fill it up with jokes. That's nice.

Starting point is 01:15:13 You're a smart guy. Obviously, you know, people that can play poker professionally are already living a lot of people's dreams, the fact that you're chasing this rush, and it is, as you probably can feel, a crazy adrenaline rush. Same type of thing as when you're in a big hand, you don't fucking know what's going on, but you got it.

Starting point is 01:15:32 And you're getting a big joke book. Hey, you. Thank you. Hell, yeah. Doug Polk, everybody. Thanks, guys. Back to the bucket we go. That's my boyfriend. There he goes. Back to the bucket we go. That's my boyfriend.

Starting point is 01:15:45 There he goes. Froggy style. All right, ladies and gentlemen. Back to the bucket we go. This looks like a newer name. Oh, my God. I'm busy. The lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:16:01 These guys are gonna go wipe off each other's pants together. Those are the white boys that spilled drinks all over each other earlier. They're about to go trade shorts. All right, make some noise for your next bucket poll. Philip Abraham, everybody. Here we go. -♪

Starting point is 01:16:18 -♪ How y'all doing? My name is Philip Abraham. I am not white. I am white passing on the phone. My whole life. Whole life. A lot of people think I'm black in Austin. They ain't got no black people.

Starting point is 01:16:37 Worse is when people think I'm brach. You know what that is? That's when Asian people think I'm black. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Slow burn.

Starting point is 01:16:55 I am Indian. I'm a different kind of Indian. I'm Puerto Rican. Yeah. Yeah. I am Indian, and Pakistan will be soon too. Oh man. Most Indians are Hindu. I'm a little bit different. My dad's side is Jewish. My mom's side's Catholic. I worship Satan.

Starting point is 01:17:27 Laughter Philip Abraham. You've been on this show before, right, Philip? Yeah, I was on the show like a week into open mics like two and a half years ago. Okay. Yeah. Two and a half years ago. Did not go... did not go well. But it went better this time. Yes.

Starting point is 01:17:44 Going to show that if you do this over time, you should get better. And you did that. And here you are. How's it been going? Pretty good. Yeah, I've been just working, doing a lot of shows, doing a lot of mics.

Starting point is 01:17:58 What do you do for a living? I'm an experienced designer. What does that mean? So I like build apps and websites for Fortune 500 companies. Yanis? I was about to say, what it means is he's a disappointment to his parents.

Starting point is 01:18:14 But he came through with the computer shit. Yeah, he's got to... He's Indian, he's got to be doing something for us. I am building websites! Dad, you would be so proud of the websites. I'm so experienced. All right. I talked to my parents and they call comedy a program.

Starting point is 01:18:35 Did you do your program today? How is the program? Yeah. Do I sound like your dad? Kinda, kinda. Booty booty booty boo. He wanted to do what? Booty, booty, booty, boo! He wanted to do what? Booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, boo!

Starting point is 01:18:47 Damn. How are all of the programs doing? What does your dad do for work? Oh, he's a Pentecostal preacher. Whoa. Yeah. A Pentecostal Pakistani preacher? Indian.

Starting point is 01:19:03 God damn it, too. Oh, okay. That's like calling him the N-word. Did you know that? I mean, God damn it, too. Oh, okay. That's like calling him the N-word. Did you know that? I mean, you go back and forth. Like a farmer? Like a farmer? Puerto Rican at one point, Pakistani,

Starting point is 01:19:14 it's all bucking mixing together. So you're 100% Indian? Yeah, I'm Maliali. Oh, well, in that case. 100% Maliali. All right, what does that mean? It's just like people from the Southern coast. It's like a very specific type of people.

Starting point is 01:19:28 What are they known for? Coconuts. Oh, wow. Okay. We got mangoes. Okay. I didn't realize there was such a tropical part of India. They don't cook it with their feet.

Starting point is 01:19:40 Those are the North Indians. Just wanted to put that out there. Okay. Those are the Northerns. We don't fuck with them. You guys don't get along? No. Have you guys been fighting a little bit? Uh, a little bit. They kind of look down on the South.

Starting point is 01:19:54 Oh, they do? Yeah. That's such a shame, especially Pakistan, India. Like, why are people who smell the same fighting so much? That's true. It's like really... That's what I'm saying. And they smell the same. That's what I'm saying.

Starting point is 01:20:06 And why can't you just all kill each other and then it'll be just an open land for good people? It's gonna happen. I'm kidding, Jesus Christ. I don't know why I'm saying I'm kidding. The internet clip probably ended 12 seconds ago when I said the thing and now I'm in trouble again. Gonna get bigger now.

Starting point is 01:20:29 Uh oh, Madison Square Garden again. I'm kidding, we already are doing Madison Square Garden. All right, so Philip, tell me, what do you do for fun? What does an Indian, what does a Maliali do for fun? Shit man. Give me Mali-Ali do for fun? Shit, man. Give me Mali-Ali the details. I'll be making Mali-Ali chicken curry. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 01:20:51 Yeah, I make chicken curry. I've been eating some shit lately. Have you guys heard of this clay pit? The only one that knows about this? That's not good? That's like fusion white shit. Oh, it's so good. You know what I'm talking about.

Starting point is 01:21:06 That's a Mexican boy. What are you talking about? He has literally no fucking idea. He knows less than anybody. He's a Mexican boy in a longhorn shirt missing a front tooth. He literally... What was that? Why'd you just point to your boy like that? You called that I was gonna guess

Starting point is 01:21:24 that you had a missing front tooth? He's happy you saw it. I just didn't think you'd see it. I can fucking see it. I see that missing tooth, buddy. Congratulations. He's like, I had no idea, I didn't think you'd see it. We were talking about it.

Starting point is 01:21:38 Fuck yeah, dude. I can spot a missing tooth from a mile away. Cause I know to avoid those people. All right. Philip, what do you do for fun? I just do, so I got banned like a year ago. From where? Creek in the cave, sunset strip, cap city.

Starting point is 01:21:59 Oh shit. You got banned from everywhere. I got up. This is not a good sign. Brian Simpson. It was for ending all his sets with a elaborate dance number. Yee-num-ee-num-ee-um-ee-um-ee-um. Yee-num-ee-num-ee-um.

Starting point is 01:22:15 Yee-num-ee-hum-hum. Explain how you get banned from the other big clubs in the city, Phillip. Dude, I was at Banana Phone, I did a joke, and it went great. Okay, well. The next day, they? Dude, I was at Banana Phone, I did a joke, and it went great. Okay, well... The next day, they... What was the joke?

Starting point is 01:22:29 Let me just... It was... I can't go too much into it. Uh... What the fuck do you mean? I'll tell you, I'll tell you. What could you possibly... Does it end in the N-word?

Starting point is 01:22:41 Oh, I just... Yeah, while I said that, he just looked at Brian Simpson, he goes, don't get mad at me. So yes, it does, right? I mean, it's the only thing, as we've learned with Kanye, it's the only thing you can say to where it's like, It's very Kanye related.

Starting point is 01:22:58 It was a joke about how Hitler stole the swastika. Yeah, just tell the joke. How the fuck could you get banned from every... I can't imagine how bad it could be. It was the visual elements that I included in the joke for Banana Boon. Is it, okay, tell the joke, tell the fucking joke. Tell the joke, we'll see. If it's unacceptable,

Starting point is 01:23:25 we'll fucking blur it or edit it or whatever. We have to do. Sure, sure. So Hitler stole the swastika. Y'all know about this? Yeah, ancient Hindu symbol. It means kill the Jews. Yeah. It means peace and well-being,

Starting point is 01:23:41 but, like, the fucking... For America to learn about the swastika from Hitler, it's kind of bullshit. It's like learning about rap from Macklemore. It's not the real... It's not the real thing, right? And that's when I had the visual element, we're taking the swastika back.

Starting point is 01:24:00 It was a Hindu swastika. And I was like, brown power, we're taking it back. It went great. It went amazing. Next day, the owner was like, hey, you held my audience hostage. And you're banned for life. From Sunset.

Starting point is 01:24:22 Creek. Creek in the Cape. And then Sunset got included in cap she reached out to them so I so you're not banned from Sunset yeah I just went back like three months ago they said there you go look at red band with his open First Amendment I remember that like I heard about it I wasn't the one that did that and yeah but you are Hindu yeah So you can have a Hindu symbol. Yeah, it's the Indian swastika. That's the whole bit is that he stole it.

Starting point is 01:24:52 Y'all don't know this shit. I'm trying to tell y'all some shit. Trust me, I get it. Having your jokes taken out of context and getting in trouble for it is something that I understand very well. It's a bitch, ain't it? It is, it is. And look at that, you didn't stop. That's really hard to ain't it? It is. It is.

Starting point is 01:25:05 And look at that. You didn't stop. That's really hard to get banned by the creek, by the way. It really is. There's... Especially at Banana Phone, like, if you've seen it, it's loud. But yeah, that's the big shit that's been going on. I've never been banned from a building, so that's weird.

Starting point is 01:25:23 Well, how about an airline? No. All right. Philip. We like your style, buddy. It was a fun set, a fun interview. What? Thank you, thank you.

Starting point is 01:25:37 There you go. Boom. All right. There goes Philip Abraham. Philip, what's your social media? Come shout it out since you're banned from places. My social media is Phil is funny. That's what my mom says. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:25:55 Phil is funny. Wow. That's a that's a very much wanted handle. Breaking news. A brand new game is now live at Bet365. Introducing PrizeMatcher, a daily game that's never ordinary. to handle. Check out PrizeMatcher and see why it's never ordinary at Bet 365. Must be 19 year old or Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you or someone you know has concerns about gambling, visit connexontario.ca, T's and Z's apply.

Starting point is 01:26:30 All right, your next bucket poll, this looks like a new name. Make some noise for Donna Lee, everybody. Donna Lee. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 01:26:40 Yeah! Yeah! Hi, everybody. My mom is Thai. My dad's Irish, so I'm Thai-rish. My mom and I fight a lot. My mom's about this tall and she's brown and she's mean. And we argue a lot about things like she wants to be called Oriental. And I'm like, mom, that's kind of racist. People don't want to hear Oriental. They want to be called you Asian. And she says, Donna,

Starting point is 01:27:03 I am from Orient. I'm Orient. So we're in HEB fighting this out, right? And the woman who's our cashier is trying to help my mom. So she's getting a little louder trying to say that my mom might understand her. So she's screaming to my mom and trying to be a little louder. Because if you're louder, people understand English better, right?

Starting point is 01:27:21 So we're in HEB, and my mom and I are standing. We're fighting at the cashier. And the cashier leans over to my mom, and she goes, your total is $25.15. Thank you for shopping at Etch-a-eh-bah. I'm like, she's not a deaf Mexican. She's a mean-ass Oriental lady. Thank you, that's my minute.

Starting point is 01:27:46 Thank you. Thank you. Go. Donna Lee, welcome to the show. This is your first time here, right? Yes, first time. How long you been on standup? I started in 2006 and did standup for about five years

Starting point is 01:27:57 and took about 12 years off to raise some children. Okay. Problem, came back a year ago. How many children? Three kids, one son and two step sons. Okay. Yes. I knew she back a year ago. How many children? Three kids. One son and two step-sons. Okay. Yes.

Starting point is 01:28:08 I knew she was a step-mom. I fucking knew. Like y'all, you knew it too, right? You felt it. Do I give that energy? Step-mom energy? No doubt about it, yes. Is it?

Starting point is 01:28:16 Yeah, there's no question. Have you ever gotten stuck in a washing machine? Have I ever gotten stuck? Probably. in a washing machine. -♪ Bum, bum, bum, bum, yeah. I paid a lot of money for them. They should do nice. She looked like she mostly tittied. Yeah, she mostly tittied, actually, yeah. Yep. Half Irish, half Thai, 80% tits.

Starting point is 01:28:56 That's right. The math. The math is correct. You got to do what you got to do to stand out. I love it. You're killing it. How old are the tits? They are about 20 years old. Wow, 20 years old. Look at that.

Starting point is 01:29:07 They're ready to move out on their own. I'm a leader. I'm a leader. I love it. I actually know Carlos. Oh, Carlos. Wow. Look at that. Oh, look who's playing the little horny motherfucker over there, huh? Look at that. Sometimes... I didn't even know we had that spotlight.

Starting point is 01:29:33 Shit, we've been waiting two years to get Carlos in trouble, I guess. Holy shit, look at the fucking reflection off the top of that head. Oh, my God. Sorry, Carlos. How do you know Carlos? One of her step sons.

Starting point is 01:29:50 Do you want to tell them? Oh. Oh. Oh. So stupid, but it's hilarious. Oh. Should I tell them or you tell them? Oh my God. Can I break HIPAA?

Starting point is 01:30:10 I'm gonna break a HIPAA rule here. I met Carlos at a clinic. Whoa. Oh shit. That's so much fucking worse right there. I know, it's so bad. What kind of? It was actually just an allergy clinic.

Starting point is 01:30:23 He had allergies. Oh, okay. Kind of boring. But he was touring with Jason Mraz at the time. Okay. And he was very cool. He had some sort of shirt on that had a saxophone or something. I was surprised when you were passing by just meeting Carlos that he had enough time to

Starting point is 01:30:39 tell you that he was touring with Jason Mraz. It's crazy. Yeah. Almost seems like he was trying to impress you. It's like, hey. Did Carlos walk here? Hey, nice to meet you. I tour with Jason Mraz.

Starting point is 01:30:52 Ha ha ha. Hell, yeah. It was a good story. He's touched those vintage titties. Oh, yeah. No. He went from so-so to so-so's. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:31:17 No. No? He was very professional. We had a very nice talk about him playing saxophone, because I play saxophone in college. Oh, shit. So you have a... you're able to... I can blow. You can blow.

Starting point is 01:31:33 All right. There it is. So, Donna, what are we talking about? You have a... you're with a man... you have a steady relationship now? Of course. I have a husband. He's lovely, and he's gonna watch this and be mortified. Absolutely. He is Yanis.

Starting point is 01:31:45 And he's rich. Look at that fucking ring she's got on. Oh, yeah. That's my small ring. You should see the big one. Wow, you have a bigger ring that you wear when you're not going into Sixth Street? Yes. That is true.

Starting point is 01:32:01 Smart. I am smart. You're a smart lady. So are the kids all grown up now? They're all grown 22, 23, 24. This is my comeback story, y'all. I'm going to start crying. I'm very happy to be here.

Starting point is 01:32:13 I will cry. Tell us more about that when you say comeback story. What do you mean? Well, I started doing comedy in 2006. I was on Search for the Funniest Mom in America. I was a finalist. And LeAnn Morgan was on season one. I was on season two. Wow. And so I did comedy for mom in America. I was a finalist. And LeAnn Morgan was on season one. I was on season two.

Starting point is 01:32:25 Wow. And so I did comedy for about five years. And then I quit to raise those ratty ass children. No, I'm kidding. I love them. I found a new husband. I had to teach him how to cook and things like that. So I quit for about 12 years on hiatus for 12 years.

Starting point is 01:32:39 I came back last May at about this time and I just headlined Dallas Comedy Club and I couldn't be more proud as a human being doing my dream. Look at you! Absolutely incredible. Hey, hey, hey, Tony. Yeah, Brian Simpson.

Starting point is 01:32:53 I just want to point out, I know Leanne Morgan, and she is a comedy star that's selling out big things in arenas. Arenas, yeah. She did it, but she raised a family at the same time. I couldn't do that. So you just quit for no reason? She was doing comedy raising children. I was doing comedy and had a very stressful job.

Starting point is 01:33:08 Yeah, you had the weight of the world on your chest. Yeah, I had to... Red band? Do you remember one of your old jokes, like your old best joke that got you, like, you know... I do, yeah. I remember the one that got me on the show. Oh, let's do it.

Starting point is 01:33:23 Why don't you guys want to hear her best joke? Okay. It was clean comedy because it was Nick at Night, but my parents have a little ranch in Lockhart. Anybody familiar with Lockhart, Texas? So my mom, with her very heavy accent, she was collecting little farm animals in Lockhart, and she called me one day at work, and she said, Donna, Donna, today we have a new donkey.

Starting point is 01:33:45 His name Able, he's so very, very cute. He's four feet tall, he's so cute, but he's so loud, he hee haw all day. I said, Mom, I'm at work, I can't talk to you right now. And she said, Donna, you listen to me, we have a new donkey today. His name Able, he's four feet tall, he's so very, very cute, but he's so loud,

Starting point is 01:34:04 he hee haw all day. I said, Mom, I have to go. And she kept saying, he's so cute, he's so cute. I said, Mom, I have to go to work. And she got very upset with me, but I hung up the phone. Before I hung up, I said, Mom, let the ass do his job. She had never heard that word in that context. And she said, no, he not call you name.

Starting point is 01:34:22 We don't have to call him name. And I said, no, no, no, no, no, it means ass. It's donkey, it means mule. It's in the Bible. It's not a bad word. So a few days goes by, and I called her at work, and she sounds a little sad. And I said, Mom, what's wrong? And she said, don't everybody laugh at me today.

Starting point is 01:34:36 I not know why. And I said, trust me, old woman, it was something you said. I said, what did you say today at work? And she said, don't I talk about how cute my ass is. But it makes so much noise. Wow. Donna. Thank you. You gonna do it, Red Band?

Starting point is 01:35:04 Love to be on The Secret Show Thursday. Boom. On a real show. And you're leaving her with a big joke book to go with those fucking tits of yours. Donna Lee, ladies and gentlemen. Donna Lee comedy. All right. Let's get one more. Let me just say, there's no way her step-sons don't jerk off to her tits.

Starting point is 01:35:30 Oh, totally. Totally. There's a lot of people going to jerk off right now, obviously. I just saw a little boy cross right in front of me to go jerk off, I'm pretty sure. Little boy and a wife beater. Little boy in a tank top going to the boys' room. All right. Let's get one more bucket pull up here.

Starting point is 01:35:53 We been having fun tonight? Yeah! How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? All right, about 50-50. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your final bucket pull of the show. How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? All right, about 50-50. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your final bucket pool of the night. It's Kelly Lusk, Kelly Lusk.

Starting point is 01:36:13 Woo! Hey everybody. Sorry, let me just. Okay, so. All right, one more time for Kelly Lusk, everyone. Okay, okay, right here. So I grew up looking like this. Apparently, I was a Samoan boy when I was a little girl.

Starting point is 01:36:39 It's every little girl's dream, right? And that bitch is my sister. She used to tell me they found me in a trash can in Mexico. Fuck her, right? And it's really apparent here who's more loved, right? You know, like, she's got a frilly little shirt and her golden blonde hair. And they're like, oh, there's no hope for Kelly. So let's give her a mullet and a bowl cut.

Starting point is 01:37:16 And my mom got so tired of answering questions when we were in public, so she made me start wearing a sign that said, no, I'm not adopted. of answering questions when we were in public, so she made me start wearing a sign that said, no, I'm not adopted. No, my dad is not Mexican. And yes, I belong to this white family. That's it.

Starting point is 01:37:35 Wow. Exactly a minute. Very rarely is a physical presentation funny, but you, that was hilarious. You're welcome. Brian Simpson. Yo, she blows... Is was hilarious. You're welcome. Brian Simpson. Yo, she blows, is that the first time in Kill Tony history somebody did like a one woman show for their minutes?

Starting point is 01:37:50 Yeah, I think so. I'm really blown away by that. That's impressive to the motherfucker. Thank you. I don't know if it was a one woman, it might be a one they them show or something. That's funny. I love it. Kelly, Kelly, Kelly.? It's not really her, but you know.

Starting point is 01:38:05 I love it. Okay. All right. I liked you a second ago. Don't ruin it. Oh, the guy with the American flag shirt's leaving. All it takes is one vape them reference. Oh no.

Starting point is 01:38:18 I'm out of here. Fuck this shit. I love this shit. I thought this was a fucking First Amendment show. Fucking. I thought this was a fucking First Amendment show. Fucking... God, they're giving bulldox opportunities here. Wow, so okay, so you gotta have a different dad, right? Same mom, same dad. Shut the fuck up.

Starting point is 01:38:41 What the fuck? What did they do? Eat chalupas and tequila before they made you? Like, wow, what exactly? Have the doctors talked about this? This is a fucking anomaly. That is incredible. You are the best big brother any little sister's ever had.

Starting point is 01:38:57 This is amazing. I'm pretty sure that boy was on the show earlier talking about froggy style, wasn't he? Is that Michael Ridley? Oh, my God. It's very rare we have the same comedian on twice in one episode, but that man was here. I recognize that man.

Starting point is 01:39:15 If that was a police sketch, I would go, oh, he was on my show. I know exactly who's going around raping people froggy style. I know that man. Why were you so orange? Like, what the f- You're not that orange anymore. Honestly, um, the only thing I can say is I grew up in a time where we were outside and we didn't believe in sunscreen, so...

Starting point is 01:39:37 Absolutely. That's my world. We have no idea. We don't know why I was so much darker than my family, so... I love that. We just pretend that... It's like John Benet Ramsey and John Benet Goodman. That is an incredible duo of sisters. I cannot believe what I'm seeing. I've never really seen anything quite like it.

Starting point is 01:40:01 So boy, oh, boy. Brian Simpson. So you boy oh boy, Brian Simpson. So you telling me your mother never had you visit an uncle that you couldn't tell your dad about? Nope, no. And you must have asked them about this. Oh, I asked all the time if I was adopted for sure. I'd be like, I don't look like you.

Starting point is 01:40:22 I rolled around in baby powder one time and I came out and I was like, I'm white, like mommy. Wow. It's a true story. So what is your ethnicity? What's dad? We're just American mutts. I mean, there's like...

Starting point is 01:40:34 Wow. Okay, so what do you do for work now? What's that? What do you do for work? I'm an executive assistant. So yeah, like I get to work and do the work for big wigs in corporate America that don't know how to make PDFs, and they make hundreds of...

Starting point is 01:40:52 What does your sister do for work? She's single. Oh, Jesus, Red Band. Christ, dude. Oh, you're fucking disgusting. Jesus. That's a child. Yeah, it's been a long time since we've done a trash can. You guys wanna do it?

Starting point is 01:41:08 One, two, three. Trash can. It's been so long they don't even fucking know. So a lot of people that started watching within the last four years, that's an old thing. He used to say super disgusting shit all the time. Now we've slowly tamed him down and the show became a wild success.

Starting point is 01:41:27 So it's amazing how those things work. Incredible. Okay, so what does she do now? She's a stay at home mom. Ah, see? She ended up being a do nothing bitch while you're out there working with fucking high successful people.

Starting point is 01:41:44 That's right. Well, Tony, they knew when they took that picture which one was gonna have to work the hardest. Yeah. Yeah. Wait, I have an uncle, and I brought this picture out, and I was like, hey, Uncle Johnny, you remember when I used to look like this?

Starting point is 01:42:04 And he was like, we were Uncle Johnny, you remember when I used to look like this? And he was like, we were worried about you, Kelly, but... I got news for you. Uncle Johnny's your father. Yeah, I'm about to say, there's no way your mom didn't fuck another guy at some point. That's not... You guys don't have the same dad. Your mom fucked a very fat, like, uh... a vegan guy. Yeah, yeah, perhaps a Mali-Ali. Your mom fucked a very fat mo-like, uh... Yeah.

Starting point is 01:42:25 A vegan guy. Yeah. Yeah, perhaps a Molly Ollie. Hey, you guys have done a DNA test of some kind? Have you tested this? No, but you can tell now as we're older that we look alike. That was my next question.

Starting point is 01:42:39 This was definitely not the case growing up. Wow, that is incredible. Do you always... Have you done this before with that picture on stage? I've done it once before. And it worked? Yeah, so obviously.

Starting point is 01:42:50 It fucking works. I guarantee, if you take a 23 and me, they're gonna catch a murderer in Alaska. It is incredible. It looks like you were Photoshopped into a better looking family picture. It looks like you're covering up a happy mom and dad somewhere. Proud mother and father. It is amazing. Okay, so you live here in Austin? Yeah, born and raised. I've lived here my whole life. I'm a true unicorn.

Starting point is 01:43:25 OK. What do you do for fun? Tell us what some of your favorite Austin pastimes are. Honestly, there's too many people. I don't do any of the Austin stuff anymore. I already did all that stuff, and it's just too crowded now. Well, what do you do? Oh, well, I like to paint.

Starting point is 01:43:41 You stay at home and paint. I stay at home with paint. OK. This is getting very sad. Very cool. No, no, no. It's good. I like to paint. You stay at home and paint. I stay at home and paint. OK. This is getting very sad, very quote unquote. No, no, no. It's good. There's too many people.

Starting point is 01:43:49 I do nothing now. OK. What else other than painting? What do you paint? It's like a textured art thing. It's complicated. OK. Yeah, I like to write jokes.

Starting point is 01:44:04 OK. Yeah. Yeah. And you to write jokes. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. And you perform a lot. This is my fourth time ever doing a stand-up. Wow. Look at that. You know what's funny. That's fun. What's your love life like, Kelly?

Starting point is 01:44:20 I have a boyfriend. Okay. What does he do? He's an engineer. Okay what does he do? He's an engineer. All right okay. Big people are very... Oh, engineer. The fat girl got an engineer. Just kidding, just kidding. I wonder how two kids were you like addicted to a specific kind of candy or something? There had to be something that you and your sister were doing differently back then. There had to be something that you and your sister were doing differently back then. There had to be something, like, you knew

Starting point is 01:44:49 where they hid the snacks or something like that. You love carrots? Why? Because I'm orange? I think it's just a picture. You're also just a little bit bigger than her. Oh. Ding! Yes, I don't exactly think it was carrots that did it.

Starting point is 01:45:09 Definitely not carrots. I would say lots of sugar. That was a Garfield joke. Put the mic down, Red Band. Very good. Very good. Let's stick with the sound effects there. All right.

Starting point is 01:45:21 Anything else crazy we should know about you before we let you go? Crazy? Um... No. I s... No. No. I think you're very pretty. Oh, thank you. Wow. You look like... You look like Rosie O'Donnell before she became a dude. You know? That's true. That is true.

Starting point is 01:45:36 And I agree. Yeah. There's no crying, basically. I do have a joke, and it's... For this, it's, uh... I look like the love child of The Rock and Rosie O'Donnell. Yeah. Yeah. I see that. So do all your jokes require you to be holding that picture?

Starting point is 01:45:53 No. But it's just a good solid one, so... Brian Simpson's gonna go home and jerk off to all the contestants on this show. -♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha I like what I like. Yeah, just give me a white girl that hates herself. Kelly Lusk, that was fantastic. Your interview was great. Great presentation. I like it. There's a big joke book. Hello, A Catch.

Starting point is 01:46:36 Truly a Texan with that right-hand swipe. Picture in the left. How about one more time for Austin's own Kelly Lusk, ladies and gentlemen. What a goddamn show. Did you guys have fun tonight? There's only one way to end a show like this, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:47:02 And it is with, undoubtedly, the Hall of Famer with the record for most all-time appearances and interviews. The man who God himself says favorite comedian. A man who when he goes to the dog park, King Charles lays down and begs for his mercy. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine. This is William Montgomery. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Starting point is 01:47:39 -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Remember when they stormed Osama Bin Laden's safe house and they claimed they found pornos? I'm starting to think he was just watching Diddy and a Burka. Texas just banned the sale of all marijuana products

Starting point is 01:48:04 and the Republicans seem very excited. You know who else is very excited? The cartels. Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! Yeah! Daft Punk is releasing a new anime movie. It's called Nerd Alert! But seriously, you can tell Daft Punk are French robots

Starting point is 01:48:24 because they smoke cigarettes and cheat on their wives. called Nerd Alert, but seriously, you can tell Daft Punk are French robots because they smoke cigarettes and cheat on their wives. The price of eggs is so high, I started selling my girlfriends. Okay, Tony, that's my time. Wow. A force of nature has done it again. These people, sometimes they've been doing it for years, sometimes they've been doing it for months,

Starting point is 01:48:52 sometimes they take a break to raise kids, and meanwhile, every time somehow, no one shakes the room quite like you do. Isn't it something? Again and again, a man so beloved, so likable, that he just comes in and absolutely dominates. Let's talk about it, William. Tony, it was so scary coming in here today. It was storming outside, and I get right to the back door,

Starting point is 01:49:20 and I see a thing of lightning, and hear a loud clap of thunder right when I got to the back door. It was really scary, Tony. And then what happened? And I banged on the door and somebody let me in. I was like, oh, my God, it's raining out there, y'all. It's like storming out there, man.

Starting point is 01:49:37 Get me out of there. Do you like the rain? Yes, I love the rain. It's really good for the plants. It's good for all the plants, and I love the rain. You have a lot of plants? Yeah, I got some in my bedroom. What are some of your favorite plants that you have? Oh, shit. I mean, I got a pretty good pothos right now. Ooh.

Starting point is 01:49:59 Uh... Aloe plant. Ooh. Um... Something called plant? Ooh. Um... Something called a prayer plant? Oh! You think it's dead, but then it comes back to life! Oh! Uh, what else?

Starting point is 01:50:17 I got some sort of peace lily? Oh! And that's about it right there. You got a peace lily? I don't know why it was hard to say that. now. You got a peace lily? I don't know why it was hard to say that. Yeah, I got a peace lily. How long have you had this peace lily? Shit, Tony, maybe pffft, twelve months?

Starting point is 01:50:34 Wow. Yeah. You mean one year? A year? Fed the peace lily. Sorry, I feed it in monthly installments. So it's ages and months in my head. Okay. I love it in monthly installment, so it's ages and months in my head. Okay. I love it. Amazing. Wow, are you looking forward to getting any more plants?

Starting point is 01:50:51 Ooh, yeah, Tony. I mean, I've been thinking about maybe a... Cactus? Yeah, a cactus? Um... Maybe, uh... Maybe a cactus? Um... Maybe, uh... Um...

Starting point is 01:51:10 Um... The crowd and... The fern? Um... Um... Um... A bonsai? Oh! Somebody else help me?

Starting point is 01:51:29 Can somebody else please give me another plant? Tony, this is embarrassing. I thought I had more plants. Uh, it seems like the crowd fucking loves it. Every time you say a plant, they get very excited. Maybe around Christmastime, you're going to get a... Amaryllis! -♪ Amaryllis!

Starting point is 01:51:49 -♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Uh, and if Texas ever approves it, maybe Amirah Wadham! Yeah! Okay, that's right. -♪ Amirah Wadham! -♪ We got to get Governor Abbott to straighten out his act. We need that to be legal.

Starting point is 01:52:07 Name some more plants that you like. I'm already struggling, Tony. It's already kind of embarrassing. What? Italy? Just look at his fur. Maybe a ficus? Yeah! Wandering Jew? What? No!

Starting point is 01:52:25 You piece of shit! Wandering Jew? That doesn't sound right. Wandering Jew? How'd you get me with that, sir? I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 01:52:33 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.

Starting point is 01:52:41 I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. Uh... Wandering Jew. How'd you get me with that, sir? Uh... Oh, banana plant? No. Red band. No. That was a stupid one. That's a tree.

Starting point is 01:52:57 Yeah, that's a tree. Yeah, that's a tree. Yeah. Name some more plants that you might be interested in getting. Around Christmas time, maybe a red-leafed plant known as a? Monstero! Wait, no, hold on, what was that one again? What did you say?

Starting point is 01:53:14 A plant with red leaves around Christmas time. Poinsettia. Close enough, we'll allow that. Mistletoe. I don't think you should allow that. Missle toe! Missle toe! Missle toe! I hate this, Tony! Oh, it's so good. The horns, the horns joining the fray

Starting point is 01:53:34 and playing sadly if you're not committed or don't say it correctly and playing loudly and excitedly if you nail the name of the plant. Why don't you just think of some types of things that you see outside? Those are basically plants, right?

Starting point is 01:53:49 Like maybe a William? Oat tree! -♪ Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, What about a ball tree, Tony? Um, and then maybe a bush. Yeah, a bush. Are you ever gonna stop loving plants? I'm never gonna stop loving plants. Thank you. William Montgomery has done it again.

Starting point is 01:54:21 The king. The King Charles of Kiltoni, William Montgomery has done it again. The King. The King Charles of Kiltoni, William Montgomery. This has been another episode brought to you by ExpressVPN via an incognito. Yanis Papas has his new YouTube special at the History Hyenas YouTube location. It is called Property Owner. It was filmed here at the mothership. You know what else was filmed here at the mothership? Live from the mothership, Brian

Starting point is 01:54:54 Simpson. A super regular, one of the great comedians that had the balls to move here from Los Angeles to Austin and since then performs in theaters and arenas all around the world. Get tickets at bryancimpsoncomedy.com. We have, ladies and gentlemen, tonight, before you leave, we have both of the artists here tonight. Ryan Che Ebelt has been drawing every episode since the earliest episodes,

Starting point is 01:55:23 and that's Giannis and Brian Simpson, everybody. It kinda looks like that girl and her sister. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:55:35 Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Absolutely beautiful. Ha ha ha. Brian, you've never looked better, Brian. He even opened your eyes a little bit, just for the sake of it. Hey, let me get that. Let me get that.

Starting point is 01:55:51 Can I get that? Well... Looks like I adopted a black baby. I'm a hero! Chris Rogers, what'd you draw tonight, buddy? The local legend, oh, K.C. Rocket playing basketball. RyanJEbelt.com for every print. You'll see these guys in the lobby on your way out.

Starting point is 01:56:22 Red Band. Check out Seeker Trio every Thursday, SunsetStripATX.com, I love you guys. We will see you at Madison Square Garden, and that episode will be on a large streaming platform. Have fun, everybody, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. Thank you, good night, everyone.

Starting point is 01:56:44 Wow. Wow. Wow. First, espresso. Martini. Martini. Martini. Espresso.

Starting point is 01:56:53 Espresso. Martini. Martini. Espresso. Espresso. Martini. Espresso. Espresso.

Starting point is 01:56:59 Martini. Martini. Mike. Martini. Martini. Martini. Martini. Espresso. Espresso. Martini. Martini. My team! My team! The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets!

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KILL TONY - #722- BRIAN SIMPSON + YANNIS PAPPAS

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