KILL TONY - #726 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony could be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliff.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey, this is Randy at ComedyLive from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchcliff! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Make some noise for Brian Red Band, everybody.

Starting point is 00:01:25 And make some noise for the best goddamn band in the land. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Yeah. Yes. Unbelievable. Yeah. Yes. Fuck yeah. Fuck yeah. Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Oh yeah. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:02:07 We're really doing it, Red Band. Every Monday, we're doing it live. Please say hello to the Taco Bell horn section. Carlo Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Frank Sinatra, Please say hello to the Taco Bell horn section. Carlo Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, dressed as Stevie Wonder. And on the sticks, Big Mike Gonzalez getting bigger every week. We put a pencil up to his dick and measure how big he's getting every week.

Starting point is 00:02:46 Big Mike, cool hat. Big Mike getting bigger. Speedy Gonzales, we call him, behind his back. And behind me, Matt Mueling on the guitar. Keep it going for Matt Mueling. Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! John Dee's right behind me, the great John Dees.

Starting point is 00:03:15 And speaking of Dees, keep it going for Dees Madness. Dee Madness, ladies and gentlemen, the one and only. Oh my My. God. Oh! We've got an amazing episode planned for you. I can't wait for you to see what we have, but before we do, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors who make it all possible.

Starting point is 00:03:39 Oh! That's where we talk about Ignito, In-Incognito, and tocovis. Tocovis. That's a fun word to say. Tocovis. Sounds like something Dean Madness got at a rub-and-tug. We're really doing it, Red Band. Oh. My. God. The new BMO VI Porter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks.

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Starting point is 00:05:03 This episode is brought to you by DZONE. For the first time ever, the 32 best soccer The iPorter to learn more. taking part and you can watch every match for free on The Zone starting on June 14th and running until July 13th. Sign up now at thezone.com slash FIFA. That's d-a-z-n dot com slash FIFA. Are you ready to start the fucking show? You know, for the last 12 years, I've been booking this show. And when I say tonight might be the best fucking show I've ever seen, what I mean by that is it might be the best fucking show you've ever seen. We've had comedians, we've had rock stars, we've had actors, and every show, every show, Michael Gonzalez, I say, how can we top it? And we do.

Starting point is 00:06:26 We've had every type of person. We've had guy, girl, black, Jew, crutches, wheelchair, fat, gay, not gay, people who lost their socks at the hotel. Every type of person. But tonight, I have put together a lineup that would make Bill Cosby wish he wasn't a rapist. Because this panel tonight is two of the greatest Kill Tony legends in the history of the fucking show.

Starting point is 00:07:01 Two legends of stand-up comedy, two of the best comedians in the fucking world. We're really doing it, Red Band, we're really doing it. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it, Red Band. Ladies and gentlemen, for tonight's episode of Kill Tony, two of the greatest comedians you've ever seen tonight on the panel together, next to each other, in Austin, on the panel, together,

Starting point is 00:07:29 on the panel, next to one another, ready for comedy, on the panel, together, tonight, on the panel together. They've been here before and they're back. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the great and powerful Ari Shaffir and Mark Norman! Oh my God. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:08:01 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Mark Normand, Ari Shafir, good to see you guys. Tony, you look more ethnic. What's going on? You look like an Uber driver. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Tony, you are exuding just a pure heterosexual energy I've never felt from you before. I did six push-ups in the alley. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:08:53 Let's cut to a clip. Ha ha ha ha. We don't have it. Ha ha ha ha. You guys know how this show works? Ha ha ha ha. Over 200 innocent souls... Ah innocent souls have written their names down for the opportunity to get plucked out unbeknownst to them.

Starting point is 00:09:11 They'd come on this stage to do standup comedy for 60 seconds of uninterrupted fun. They know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. Ha ha ha ha. They know, God fucking damn it, Red Band. It's okay. Fuck it, we'll do it live.

Starting point is 00:09:32 60 seconds of uninterrupted stand-up comedy. They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That'll let them know it's time. How many? It might be multiple kittens, depending on what Red Band's doing. Ha ha. Ha ha.

Starting point is 00:09:53 They'll know their time's up when they hear the sound of a kitten. If not, they're gonna... They're healthy. Jesus, Ryan. Angry West Hollywood bear. That'll let them know their time is definitely up, and then we will conduct an interview.

Starting point is 00:10:07 We'll all talk to them, and we'll hear about their lives, what they're up to, what their love life's like, if they have any hobbies, all that stuff, and they'll get feedback from the great Ari Shafir and Mark Norman. One more time for the great Ari Shafir. -♪ Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! -♪ Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You guys want to start the show off? Pick a couple of names for me. Just one. Just one. Don't be greedy.

Starting point is 00:10:26 Just one. Don't be like Red Band at the buffet. Just one. Ha-ha. Ha-ha. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Yeah! Tonight's show, we are starting with a golden ticket winner,

Starting point is 00:10:48 the newest golden ticket winner, someone who's only been on the show once before. This is their second time performing on Kill Tony live at the mothership. Ladies and gentlemen, I present the return of Charlie Mack. ["The Return of Charlie Mack"] ["The Return of Charlie Mack"] ["The Return of Charlie Mack"] Austin, we keeping it weird?

Starting point is 00:11:14 Yo, I love it here. Like, Austin has some of the most beautiful dikes I've ever seen. No, dikes don't get enough credit. Sorry, was there fuck a Dyke? No. You don't like generally used coochie? I used to say I'd never fuck a Dyke, never.

Starting point is 00:11:33 Where I'm from, we call them Studs. And I looked on Facebook and it said Studs was an acronym. Yes, S-T-U-D-S. Stanford still titties under that shirt. I said that at my last show, one of them studs got mad. She jumped up and said, it don't stand for that. It's Stanford slinging this unreal dick, sir. Then she got mad and told her little dyke friend, he think he funny.

Starting point is 00:12:01 Go to the truck and get the strap. So first I was scared she was getting the gun. Then I started praying she was getting the gun. Because if strap is short for strap-on, different conversation. I got scared, like, um, excuse me, Mr. Ma'am. Please don't get the big black nine, because it might be inches or a millimeter. I don't know.

Starting point is 00:12:24 Thank you. I don't get the big black nine, because it might be inches or a millimeter, I don't know. Thank you. Oh my God. Charlie Mack, you've done it again. You've done it again. Wow. Second time on Kill Tony, Charlie. Yeah, that, yeah. How did it feel? You're sweatier this time.

Starting point is 00:12:48 Charlie, you're sweating like P. Diddy on the stand. Man. The panel looks a little different. I don't know what it is. Tony got on Netflix. He upgraded. Look at this guy. I feel like it's T-Mu. I don't know. T-Mu Hinchcliffe.

Starting point is 00:13:08 That's funny. You look like a giant UPS package. Thank you. Tell your mom I got a package. Oh, my God. She's a... I fucking love it. Charlie, where are you from again? I forget. Where are you from? Chicago.

Starting point is 00:13:27 Chicago. And how long you been doing stand-up comedy? Six years almost. Six years. Can I guess? South side? No, west side. The other black side. Is there a super...

Starting point is 00:13:40 What's the blackest part of Chicago, Charlie? The city. Whatever part he's in. Right. What's the blackest part of Chicago, Charlie? The city. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Whatever part he's in. Right. Okay, okay. Very good. Charlie? How long you been in Austin, Charlie?

Starting point is 00:13:54 I've been here going on five years. And what do you do for fun? Everyone knows that I write my books, my children's books. That's right. What? Yes, I write children's books for adults. You write... Yeah, y'all see it?

Starting point is 00:14:07 Oh, yes. Yes. Yes. Man, fuck them kids. Yes. That's Kevin Spacey's motto. The great Kevin Spacey. Gotta posture him above my bed.

Starting point is 00:14:25 Charlie, what do you love about Austin, Texas? Have you had the food? Just kidding. I know the answer. Psst. No. I just said it. It's the dykes. They're beautiful out here. The who? The dykes.

Starting point is 00:14:40 The lesbians? Yes. The manly ones. Right. And what do you like about the dy it's the dykes. They're beautiful out here. The who? The dykes. The lesbians? Yes, the manly ones. Right, and what makes them so manly, Charlie? Manly means when someone shows like a sign of like a man.

Starting point is 00:14:58 Right, right, but they have, they're lesbians, but you said they're manly. Yes. What do you mean? Because they be in the men's section of the store, taking all the big clothes. Right, and that's a problem for you. Yes, yes, because I try to get my size,

Starting point is 00:15:12 but they end up having to get skinny jeans. I don't like that. Those are skinny? Stop. They wasn't when I first bought them. Charlie, what was the last time you had a vegetable? I'm actually vegan. No way.

Starting point is 00:15:31 Yeah, I've been vegan for a year now. Wow. I lost 160 pounds. 160 pounds? Yes. Congratulations. Thank you. Unfucking believable.

Starting point is 00:15:40 Down to 840 pounds. No. I'm regular fat. I was. Oh my God. It's down to 840 pounds. No! I'm regular fat. I was. Oh, my God. It's coming fat. Do you have other... How many fat friends do you have, Charlie? Just your sister. That's it.

Starting point is 00:15:56 Oh, shit, Tony. Whoa. Wow. Okay, got me. Play something fun, Red Band. -♪ Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, okay, got me. Play something fun, Red Band. ["The Star-Spangled Banner"] Perfect. Fuck you. Charlie, you've done it again.

Starting point is 00:16:16 Second time on the show. First time, got a golden ticket. You came out, you did it, you said it all. Anything fun we should know about you before we let you go? From my book sales last time, it upgraded my life. I went from Gojo, thank you. Thank you. Yes.

Starting point is 00:16:35 I went from, I raised my tax bracket, I went from Gojo to Let's Make America Great Again. Yeah. Un-fucking-believeable. My people can help you with that. We'll figure it out. They told me to get into accounting, but I think I'm going to jail.

Starting point is 00:16:51 Ha ha ha. You'll be fine. You'll be fine. We'll bring those taxes down to $1 a year. Ha ha ha ha. I'm in the club now. Just don't drop the soap in jail because you probably won't be able to stand back up.

Starting point is 00:17:05 Charlie, you did it. You came out, you did it. One more time for the great Charlie Mack, everybody. Golden ticket winner. There he goes. Oh my God. We're doing it. Are you guys having a good time so far?

Starting point is 00:17:21 Is this not the best fucking night of your lives? Our first fucking- That was a lot of sweat. That was a lot of sweat. When's the last time you sweat that much, Ari Shaffir? When I visited Auschwitz and I reopened. Perfect. Our first bucket poll of the night Our first bucket poll of the night goes by one name. I love a good one name. I love a good two names, but I love a good one name. He actually works here at the Comedy M...

Starting point is 00:17:51 Huh? It's a guy? He works here? Well, let him decide. It's 2025, Red Band. He might be a guy tonight and a woman in the morning. Please give it up for Fuzzy, everybody. ["Fuzzy"] ["Fuzzy"] ["Fuzzy"]

Starting point is 00:18:09 Oh. I believe the best superpower is the ability to freeze time because you're in control. You got to remember, they... don't want you to have superpowers. They, the Jews, do not want you to have... audience laughter

Starting point is 00:18:40 But when you freeze time, you're in control. And the perks are motherfucking sweet. Everyone here would do the same thing immediately. We're going to the bank. We'd all do it. Come on. You'd go to the bank. You'd see the teller. You'd wait for her to open up the vault.

Starting point is 00:19:03 Freeze time. And then... Eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, eh, And if you're a girl, you can look through his phone or whatever the fuck you guys want to do. I don't give a fuck. Thank you guys so much. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my God. Fuzzy, great job.

Starting point is 00:19:36 Fuzzy, how long have you looked like you go to Sesame Street begging the Muppets for change? All my life. Hey, one time for Tony fucking Innscliff everybody. Come on. Okay. Fuzzy, you make me look not Jewish. You look like Muzzy.

Starting point is 00:19:55 Fuzzy the Muzzy. Hey, are there any Indians in here? And they're not allowed in in Rogan's room. Pakistan forever. Oh shit. All right, all right, easy, easy. You know it's going great when you scream at the end of your set.

Starting point is 00:20:13 Fuzzy, how long you been doing stand-up comedy? Five years. Five years. What's your favorite thing about it? Oh... Drive an Uber? Probably... Probably the dick. Probably all the dick I'm getting. You a gay?

Starting point is 00:20:26 You a gay? Gay man? No. Oh. What would be the first thing you'd do if you were gay, Fuzzy, now that we're here? I'd suck your dick and try to become a regular, probably, so. Get in line. Fucking unbelievable.

Starting point is 00:20:45 Fuzzy, you treating those cancer spots in your forehead at all or just letting it ride? Just let it fucking ride, dude. This shit's almost over anyways. I think I got like two months or something like that. What do you do during the day, Fuzzy, when you're not at the mothership? I like to go for walks. Where do you walk? Around the East Side, motherfucking East Fifth Street.

Starting point is 00:21:04 How big is your vest? Bigger than Tony's. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Nothing, Red Man? Perfect. You're a rubber ducky, Fuzzy. That is something Tony would actually probably say. Fuzzy, what's your love life like?

Starting point is 00:21:26 It's good, it's chill, bro. I actually, uh, I met a girl. Whoa, whoa, chill, bro. He's allowed. He's allowed. Give him a chance. Give him a chance. Yeah, who the fuck is that?

Starting point is 00:21:37 Who the fuck's laughing like you can't get any? You're here with a guy. Oh my God. Got him. You look like you like dick in your mouth. It's Jewish. Okay, okay, okay. Life's good, love life is good, dude.

Starting point is 00:21:59 I've been fucking, I don't know, I got this fucking, I stopped masturbating so I got Chi now. What? Chi? What's Chi? I got Chi now. What? Chi? What's Chi? Chi is your semen. Whoa! It's curdled. And it's so, I don't know.

Starting point is 00:22:11 Tony, you know about Chi? All right, no. I love Chi. But I also love pad thai. Fuzzy? Fuzzy, I would drop the Chi and go with Chiapet on that head, because that is a level of bald I've never seen before.

Starting point is 00:22:24 All right. What the fuck? All right a level of bald I've never seen before. What the fuck? All right. You look like Ari before the camps. All right. All right. All right. All right.

Starting point is 00:22:37 Um... All right. All right. We got to let this guy get back to his food truck. What are we doing here? Come on. Fuzzy, you did it. Here's a little joke book.

Starting point is 00:22:51 See you later. Fuck off. One more time for Fuzzy, everybody. There he goes. Fuzzy, you did it. Fuzzy worked with me two times. He killed both times he worked with me here. He fucking crushes.

Starting point is 00:23:03 Quick, quick. Hey y'all, typically you don't associate speed with quality. You don't go through a fast food drive-through and expect a gourmet meal to go. Well, there is an exception to this unwritten rule. If you're hiring, you can find candidates fast who are extremely qualified for your job. Just use ZipRecruiter.

Starting point is 00:23:24 And right now, you can try ZipRecruiter for free at ziprecruiter.com slash killtony. Errrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr It's the best hiring site out there with zip recruiters advance resume database You can proactively find and connect with qualified candidates in minutes. So there's little waiting Want to meet with a standout candidate? You can unlock their contact info instantly No wonder zip recruiter is the number one rated hiring site based on GE2. Wow that's incredible RedBam that's amazing news. Experience hiring speed and quality with ZipRecruiter. Four out of five employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a qualified candidate within the first day And if you go to ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony,

Starting point is 00:24:25 right now, you can try it for free. Again, that's ZipRecruiter.com slash Kill Tony. ZipRecruiter, the smartest way to hire. Hello there, this podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in network with most insurance providers, most insured members of a zero dollar co-pay. Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider,

Starting point is 00:24:49 makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. You can meet online, message your therapist anytime, and get matched with a licensed pro, usually in under 48 hours. No awkward waiting rooms, no driving across town, just real help from the comfort of wherever the hell you are.

Starting point is 00:25:03 Red band? You know what I love about Talkspace, Tony? It's covered by tons of insurance plans and employers, including TRICARE for active duty, veterans and their dependents. Most insured members have a zero co-play, and if the first therapist isn't right for you, no big deal, you can just switch at no extra cost.

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Starting point is 00:25:39 Everyone here at the mothership is being groomed to. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!ed to a... Oh! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Starting point is 00:25:53 You son of a bitch! You son of a bitch! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Unfucking believable! Unfucking believable! I finally... I finally work hard enough and save up enough money to buy my own clone of myself and then you lock me inside of my own closet and try to host my show? You got it.

Starting point is 00:26:27 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yippee! I gotta tell ya, I heard a little bit of those interviews. They were dragging back there. Could really hear the wheels turning on you. And I didn't realize my clone would sweat more than me. It's not easy, is it, clone? Kill cloney. Tony Hinchcliffe and Tony Hinchcliffe and Pony Hinchcliffe.

Starting point is 00:27:05 By the way, Dwight. It really is Pride Month. This is what we call a Mark Norman wet dream. This is Kill Toonie. The only thing better than one of me is two of me. And now back to the show. All right. Oh, you have.

Starting point is 00:27:43 You have red penises. I made a couple notes. All right. Oh, you have... You have red pennies. I made a couple notes. Oh, Puerto Rico's not gonna like this. Oh. Oh. Oh. Oh.

Starting point is 00:28:00 Oh. My. God. Oh. My. God. All right. Back to the bucket we go. I'm very excited to be here. Just finding out it's not you. I thought the whole time. I don't know. This is an extra fun episode, if you ask me. Who books this shit?

Starting point is 00:28:19 Do I look good smoking a cigarette, by the way? I don't say my S's like cigarette, by the way? I don't say my S's like that, by the way. It's not a thicc-er-at. I don't smoke thicc-er-ats. Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next comedian doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Francisco Rincon. I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the phone.

Starting point is 00:29:10 I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the phone. I'm gonna go to the No, I'm not.

Starting point is 00:29:28 I'm one of the good ones. Happy Pride Month to this guy, mainly. A couple years ago I was watching the gay news, CNN. I don't know if a couple years ago, I was watching the gay news, CNN. I don't know if you guys hear Pope Francis, he said, RIP Pope Francis, a couple years ago, he said if you're gay, you can get married now and you will no longer burn in hell.

Starting point is 00:29:58 It's a real thing, I don't know if you guys heard about this. But it made me think, it made me wonder what was gonna happen to the gay guys that were previously burning in hell. Do they make it fair? Do they make an announcement down there? Are they like, excuse me, if you're here and you're gay, make yourself to the lobby.

Starting point is 00:30:18 We have great news. What do they do? -♪ Francisco Rincon, ladies and gentlemen. Great news. What do they do? Francisco Rincon, ladies and gentlemen. Welcome back to the show, Francisco. We've seen you multiple times before. One time before, yes. You've only been on the show once?

Starting point is 00:30:38 Once, two years ago. Wow. Yes. What makes me think you've been on a couple times? You've probably seen me on Rosebottle. Okay. Yes. I saw you on Rosebottle.

Starting point is 00:30:49 I love it. So you're not Puerto Rican. You said you're one of the good ones. What is one of the good ones? Mexican. Man, he go. Man, he go. Man, he go.

Starting point is 00:31:04 Go. Okay. Actually, Tony, I am.... Mexico. Go. Okay. Actually, Tony, I am... Oh, go ahead. Sorry. I am from Venezuela. Oh, wow. Okay.

Starting point is 00:31:13 Why boo? Why boo? What? Why boo? Let's go to Ramos. I'm here to tell you guys, despite what you hear in the news, that all Venezuelans are criminals, I'm here to tell you that we are criminals. But I know I am from Venezuela, but you know, Venezuelans, we've been getting a bad rep.

Starting point is 00:31:31 Right? So like when I moved to Texas about 10 years ago, they would be like, are you from Mexico? And I would be like, no, that's gross, you know? And now they are like, are you from Venezuela? And I'm like, no, I'm from Mexico. But yeah, all right. Have you always looked like Adam Ray with AIDS?

Starting point is 00:31:54 Yeah, you throw a vest on, we got a third Tony here. Un-fucking-believable. Francisco, what have you been up to since the last time we saw you? Give us something good. What's going on? Oh man, living life, you know, I... I'm not too bragg or anything, but I got... Funny, because last time I did the show,

Starting point is 00:32:18 I had just recently gotten fired. And I just got fired again. Wow. Look at you. I know. Look at you. What'd you get fired from? Hey, that's what I was gonna ask. You're a fucking genius. And you're extremely good looking.

Starting point is 00:32:36 Thanks, me. Wait, what was that? What was that? I smoke a lot of cigarettes. I don't do that. I don't do that. Do I do that? No, I don't. Easy, Steve Urkel. Good one, me.

Starting point is 00:32:55 All right, where did you get fired from? I'm not going to say a company name, but I was working as an engineer, remote, sales engineer. It was really... They fired you. Why will you not say the name? Is it because you can't say engineer? Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:33:13 In my language, that sounded like the N-word. But, uh... Yeah, I don't know if I'm gonna have to look for another job, so I wanna throw these guys under the bus, you know. Okay. Hey, can I just tell you real quick? If you got fired, you are going to have to find another job. That's how it works.

Starting point is 00:33:32 That's how it works. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Yeah, no, well. No doubt about it. Francisco, what's your love life like? You're a good looking guy. You seem like you should be doing good Francisco, what's your love life like? You're a good looking guy.

Starting point is 00:33:46 You seem like you should be doing good out there for yourself. Bet you fuck. What did you say? I bet you fuck. Oh yeah, no, no, no. I'm doing all right. I'm not, I got lucky a couple weeks ago.

Starting point is 00:34:00 That's what I like about Austin. Lots of beautiful Mexican girls here in Austin. And yeah, so I went down on this girl from San Antonio. How long did you go down on her for? Give us an exact timeframe. Morning, night, lunch. Over, over under 25 minutes. It was a good time. It was a fun time.

Starting point is 00:34:25 It tasted like Takis. Like what? Sometimes I don't even understand myself, man. I'm sorry. I... Yeah. I had a dream in English last night. I don't even know what I said. All right, we got to deport you. Yeah. Yep. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:45 Yep. Yep. No doubt about it. No doubt about it. We're sending you back to... Venezuela! Venezuela! Well, Francisco, what size jokebook did you get last time you were on the show?

Starting point is 00:35:04 Big one, but it's fine. Well, guess what, buddy? I got news for you. You get a small one this time. Catch. There you go. Wow. Oh, throw it back into the crowd. It's like that's a thing.

Starting point is 00:35:21 It's like when you get a baseball hit to you from the opposing team and the person that catches it throws it back. Throws it back onto the field. That's, you're- You're good. You're real good. All right.

Starting point is 00:35:36 All right. Let's keep this thing- Let's do it. Moving along. Oh, that's an unlit cigarette butt, me. I'm out of control tonight. Make some noise for your next bucket full, Mike Holloway. -♪

Starting point is 00:35:56 -♪ I don't think everyone who has a cat also throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy. But I do think everyone who throws trash on the floor and calls it a toy also has a cat. I don't think everyone who eats blue cheese also has a foot fetish. But I do think everyone with a foot fetish.

Starting point is 00:36:30 But I do think everyone with a foot fetish also is blue cheese. I don't think everyone who drinks lemonade is also a pedophile. But I do think everyone who's a pedophile. But I do think everyone who's a pedophile also drinks lemonade. I don't think everyone who's the victim of pedophilia is also a Disney adult. But I, you guys get it. How's it going?

Starting point is 00:37:05 All right. All right. That was fun. Wow. Mike Holloway, this is your first time on the show? Yes. Okay. How long have you been doing stand-up?

Starting point is 00:37:15 Kind of five years, but more like three because of breaks from COVID and being broke. Okay. COVID was over five years ago. Are you still broke? Well, I did... LAUGHTER He's not wrong. I did, like, one or two mics before COVID.

Starting point is 00:37:36 I know, the whole Lincoln years, I had to take off. I'm bad at counting. I'm bad at counting, sorry. The O.J. trial really fucked up my schedule. Okay. Um... Okay. What do you do for work? You work at a, like a... I'm getting aquarium vibes.

Starting point is 00:37:55 Like, you work with pets of some kind. Give me two fun facts about dolphins. Go. Let's just... Let's go one question at a time, Gary. Uh, dolphins rape a lot. Oh, there you go. That's the one they answer. What do you do for work? I door dash right now. I just moved here two weeks ago.

Starting point is 00:38:10 So did you save money from another job? Kind of. What was the other job? Amazon delivery. Amazon. You see, I thought with aquarium, there's fish in an aquarium. There's also fish in the Amazon.

Starting point is 00:38:24 I did it again. Genius. All right. All right. Anyway. So how much money did you save exactly? I love people, people in interviews and podcasts, they never ask questions like this.

Starting point is 00:38:39 They never do. I'm obsessed with a question like, how much money did you save before finding a job where you moved to? Drumroll? Nope, no drumroll. No drumroll. $500.

Starting point is 00:38:52 There's two fucking hosts here. None of them asked for a drumroll. I'm sorry. How much did you save? $500. $500? Holy shit. Holy shit.

Starting point is 00:39:02 What are you gonna do? Are you in your car right now? Technically, I'm camping at a campsite, so. I paid for it. Squatter. Technically, I'm not homeless. Do you have a tent? Yes.

Starting point is 00:39:18 So you sleep in a tent? Yes. Where do you shower? At the campsite. There's shower, outdoor showers? No, it's indoor. Like a KOA? What the fuck is that, Ari? What's a KOA?

Starting point is 00:39:32 Some Jewish shit? What is that? Not all of us take world vacations and camp all the time. Some of us are trying to fucking change people's lives out here. They know about camps. people's lives out here. They know about camps. Especially the showers at those camps. Some of the showers are decent at those camps. It's just the one or two were like real bad. So explain to us, explain to the people. People are watching all around the world. You came to Austin, Texas with $500. How do you plan on surviving?

Starting point is 00:40:09 What are you eating? Take us through your actual life. I go to HEB, and I get a pack of three steaks for like $8 to $12. OK. And I get some corn on the cob, fresh corn on the cob, for like $0.33 a piece. Where do you shove the corn on the cob, fresh corn on the cob, for like 33 cents a piece. Where do you shove the corn on the cob?

Starting point is 00:40:27 In tin foil and in the coals. Does the corn ever get stuck in that massive gap between your two? Yes, all the time. Oh yeah, look at that old corn catcher you got there. Does your mom need dentists? How many times do you shower a week? Good question, Tony.

Starting point is 00:40:51 Exactly. Every time I come into the city. OK. Wow. OK. Every time I come to a comedy, I shower. Very interesting answer. So this is your first shower.

Starting point is 00:40:58 No. Oh. And is it easy to make friends at the campgrounds? What? I hate the questions I'm asking. Is it easy? It really leads to absolutely nowhere. Yes or no questions don't really work on the show.

Starting point is 00:41:18 Let me ask you this. I think you're cool. You got an outsider vibe. You got a real fucking manifesto. You're like a manifesto guy. I appreciate that. What is the craziest thing that you've ever almost done? Like, you seem like you've had some thoughts cooking.

Starting point is 00:41:36 Like, you've read, like, a how to make a bomb book or something before. Oh, yeah. Okay, so now it's your turn to answer the actual question. Back in high school, yeah. You did what? I read the Anarchist Camp Book. Okay, other than the thing that I fucking said that you did,

Starting point is 00:41:52 you get to use your entire life right now as a reference point. What's the weirdest or most criminal thing you've ever almost done? Not the one that I fucking guessed. That you're like, yeah, I did do that. I'm asking, your whole life, did you ever think about perhaps?

Starting point is 00:42:09 Several times I almost drove the Amazon truck off a bridge. Okay, now take us through this, exactly. First of all, were there a lot of packages in the Amazon truck? That's why I didn't get my vest. Ha ha ha. Oh, so good.

Starting point is 00:42:30 Oh, so good. Oh, so good. Okay. So, uh, did you really think about it? You thought about driving the Amazon truck off a bridge? Uh, oh yeah, I thought about it.

Starting point is 00:42:46 Yeah. Okay. And how were you going to do it? Were you gonna kind of, like, go to the bridge and then hard right turn off of the ledge, or were you gonna kind of, like, take it at an angle? What was your plan? No, I was gonna... It was an EV, so it's really got some acceleration.

Starting point is 00:43:00 So, yeah, I was gonna get it going and then just crank the wheel and jump out the window, jump out the door. Oh, you weren't gonna kill yourself. You weren't gonna, like... Oh, no, no. Oh, boo! Oh, I thought about that too. I did. Oh, wait a second. This is crazy.

Starting point is 00:43:16 I did for a second, but then I was like, I can jump out. Yeah, I like it. You're just fucking Bezos over. Not yourself. Yeah. I'm all right with that. Fuck Bezos. See, we're just gonna Bezos over, not yourself. Yeah. Yeah, I'm all right with it. Fuck Bezos. So you were just gonna selfishly drop a bunch of people's packages in the water.

Starting point is 00:43:31 Unbelievable. Unbelievable. Sorry. All right, what's the other craziest thing about your life, Mike, give us something good here. Other than almost driving an Amazon thing, what's a fun fact about your life? Did you have a weird childhood?

Starting point is 00:43:43 Were you molested? Yeah. A lot of pedophile jokes. No, I wasn't molested? Did you have a weird childhood? Were you molested? A lot of pedophile jokes. No, I wasn't molested. I did have a weird childhood, though. I moved around a lot. All the molestings. I was... I was a fat kid and a nerdy kid

Starting point is 00:43:55 and the new kid all the time, so I got picked on a lot. What was the meanest thing somebody was... Sorry. Shut the... I'm fucking talking. What was the meanest thing somebody ever said to you at school? I don't remember. I said a lot of mean shit too, because I would basically...

Starting point is 00:44:15 To deal with bullies, I would basically roast them. I didn't know the term back then, but I would roast them and then if they put hands on me, then I would just go, and then, like, if they put hands on me, then I would, like, just go full out, like, right away. So you killed a kid? No. Oh. Beats the crap out of a couple of years. You look like the bad kid in Toy Story.

Starting point is 00:44:36 Yeah. Oh, my God, you do. Oh, my God. The neighbor? Yeah, Sid. Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid! Sid I like that guy. There he goes. Tell me about him. For real. He's in school. Grew up on a firework stand.

Starting point is 00:45:08 Oh, you know what that means. The lovely Heidi is here. The lovely Heidi. Wow. Hi. This podcast is sponsored by VIA. Life moves fast and sometimes you just need a way to relax, recharge or stay focused without making things more complicated than they already are.

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Starting point is 00:48:08 Go to Shopify.com slash KilToni. Shopify.com slash KilToni. Yeah, like oh my. Someone's rooting for Ari from the audience. Let's go Ari. Wow. A guy wants you to be funny right now. All right.

Starting point is 00:48:24 All right. This looks like a new name. I'm excited about it. I love new names. You love new names. It's my favorite thing other than my condo. Pfft. Pfft.

Starting point is 00:48:34 Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Oh. Oh, now fucking. We're doing it, Red Band.

Starting point is 00:48:41 We're really doing it. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. P doing it. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Candice August, everybody, Candice August. All right, my husband's Muslim and when we got married, we had to do the Islamic wedding ritual. For those of you who do not know, the Islamic wedding ritual is called...

Starting point is 00:49:10 the nikka. I will spell it for you. It is N as in Nancy, I, K as in kangaroo, A, H as in Harold, the nikka. Problem is, I had not seen that word written down before I heard that shit out loud. Picture it. On my wedding day, I'm standing there in my dress,

Starting point is 00:49:32 I'm looking at my husband, so in love, the guy walks in, he's like, we are gathered here today to celebrate this blessed nicker. He kept going, in the eyes of Allah, He kept going, in the eyes of Allah, all nickers are beautiful and wonderful. This nicker today is special. I was just like, what the fuck did this nigger say? Thanks for the compliments dude, but you can call me Candice. Yeah!

Starting point is 00:50:05 Yeah! Fantastic set. Wow. By Candice August. Welcome to the show, Candice. Thank you. Is this your first time? It is not. You've been on before. You were great. I remember you. Thank you. I was on in January. Yeah. Welcome back.

Starting point is 00:50:22 Thank you. I figure I have to keep signing up. It's the only way black women are ever gonna get on this show, so... I was on in January. Yeah, welcome back. Thank you. I figure I have to keep signing up. It's the only way black women are ever gonna get on this show, so. Oh! Well, it's also the only way anyone gets on this show. I love that you have to be a victim of race issues. Would never expect anybody like you to do that.

Starting point is 00:50:44 You people never do that. For this is the fairest, most diverse show in all of show business. How dare you. Oh shit, two Tonys. Oh my, I'm getting roasted by the bouncer at Fraggle Rock. Oh my, I'm getting roasted by the bouncer at Fraggle Rock. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:51:13 It's ma'am Patterson. It's pretty fucking good. Hello Ari, how are you? What's up, how you doing? Pretty good. How do you two know each other? No, I just was, I already dapped him up and I... Choose the fucking black hookers, Tony. I wanted to, that's not even funny, but I just wanted to, I just wanted to acknowledge everyone on the panel. Hello, Red Band. I love it, I love it.

Starting point is 00:51:40 So Candace, remind us, what do you do for a living? What's going on? Uh... I'm Ari's call girl. Didn't you hear? No. No. I, um... We talked about this before. I work at a debt consolidation company.

Starting point is 00:52:00 Okay, a debt consolidation company. I don't understand what that is. Yeah. Okay. Doesn't translate. Doesn't translate. Amazing. And what do you do for fun?

Starting point is 00:52:18 I like to travel a lot, and comedy's fun. I like doing that. Where do you travel to? What are some of your favorite places that you've been? My favorite place is Cuba. That's the favorite place I've that. Where do you travel to? What are some of your favorite places that you've been? My favorite place is Cuba. That's the favorite place I've been. What do you love about Cuba? I just...

Starting point is 00:52:30 I'm from New Orleans. Yeah, I know. You went to Brother Martin. I know. I went to Ursuline. Wow. Look at the connection down there. I performed with him several times.

Starting point is 00:52:41 He never remembers me. But... It's fun. It's fun. It, um... It's... It's fine. It's fine. It's okay. It's okay. I opened for him at Magoobies and a bunch of other places. Oh, yeah!

Starting point is 00:52:54 Sorry. Are you from Maryland? No, but I lived in the DMV at the time when I worked with him. You lived in the DMV? The DMV? Yeah. Wow. Okay. It's D.C., Maryland, Virginia. Wow. And they call it the DMV? The DMV? Yeah. Wow. Okay, it's DC, Maryland, Virginia.

Starting point is 00:53:07 Wow. And they call it the DMV. Wow, you look like you'd work at the DMV. Oh. Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:15 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh my God.

Starting point is 00:53:22 Oh my God. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. I was answering you about Havana. So I'm from New Orleans, and Havana has a very New Orleans type of feel, a very, like, it has a lot of soul,

Starting point is 00:53:36 and it's a very small place, a lot of live music playing all the time. It just, it just. The sweet sirens. It just reminded me of home. That's why I like it. Absolutely. It's amazing. What do you love about Austin, Texas? It also, so 6th Street specifically also reminds me of bourbon.

Starting point is 00:53:55 Yeah, for sure. It reminds me. It's a very bourbon-esque feel. All the live music, and then there's this concentrated, like, four-block radius where everything's happening. It's just, like, bourbon. Except cleaner, marginally. Yeah, you got a man, are you married? Is that what that ring is?

Starting point is 00:54:08 Yes, we, you talked at long length about it last time. My husband's Indian. Oh, that's right. That's right. The rare mix of an Indian man and a powerful black woman. Yeah, you were very interested in that subject the last time. It's a very rare combination. I study these things. I'm a people person.

Starting point is 00:54:27 How does the family go for it? How does this family go for, uh... Um, so, I mean, they weren't very happy at first, but not really because I'm black, just mostly because I'm not Muslim. Why would you do this to the family? Why do you bring home a demon woman? This dude... I do voices, woman. This dude. I do voices too. Man, I heard.

Starting point is 00:54:50 You did quite a few the last time I was here, yeah. Okay. He was the Indian husband, Nika Masala. That is a good one. A good one. Right on the borderline, Mark, right on the borderline. And what does your husband do for work? He also works at a, is that consolidation company? A different one. A good one. Right on the borderline, Mark. Right on the borderline. Sorry. And what does your husband do for work?

Starting point is 00:55:06 He also works at a debt consolidation company. A different one from me, though. Wow. Till debt do you part. Absolutely. Oh, you like that one? That one was good. Oh.

Starting point is 00:55:15 That one was good. You don't like working at the DMV. You gave me the all, ah, ah, ah. That one was no. Dead consolidation is humor. Really. Go take that around the office. All right.

Starting point is 00:55:23 All right. Did he get to watch your appearance when you were on the show last time? Dead Cuts, how old is your humor really? Go take that around the office. All right. Did he get to watch your appearance when you were on the show last time? You showed it to him, right? Yeah, yeah, he watched it from home. Like he wasn't here live, but he watched it. And how much did he beat you for it?

Starting point is 00:55:35 He did. You fucking bitch, you bring up my first-year-old life. You bring up my first-year-old life. It means no worries. Oh my god. He got a kick out of it, Burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, burn, And you spent a lot of time trying to guess what race he was. And you never guessed Indian. I had to tell you. So that's what happened last time. So a lot of the interview was about him. So he actually really enjoyed it when we watched it. I love it.

Starting point is 00:56:11 Yeah. And where do you get earrings like that? Those are great earrings. I'm so glad you noticed them. So the last time I was on, I had knives, right? So it's like the Kill Tony vibe, and no one ever noticed them. So thank you, Tony, too, for noticing them.

Starting point is 00:56:24 Yes. Did you buy them at the Target that you got fired at? I did. Okay. No, they're custom. I ordered them online. Were we gonna say that, Mark? Nothing. Oh.

Starting point is 00:56:38 You got a big joke book last time? I did, but let me tell you this. When I got it, you had, like, some that were left over from the H-E-B Center, and I never got one from the show that I was on. So if you can spare another one, Did you get a joke book last time? I did, but let me tell you this. When I got it, you had like some that were left over from the H-E-B center, and I never got one from the show that I was on. So if you can spare another one, I would like it. Get right to the fucking show, man!

Starting point is 00:56:51 Well, you know what? Here's an official one from the show. It's your lucky day. Oh, it's like Angel Reese. Thank you. Ah! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Thank you. Ah. Thank you, Tony. Good bucket pulls.

Starting point is 00:57:12 You guys have a good night. Thank you so much. One more time for Candice August. Candice August. Wow. And the show goes on. It has to. We keep it moving.

Starting point is 00:57:22 Let's do it. We gotta do it. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Karen Jones. Karen Jones. Karen Jones. Karen Jones. Karen Jones. Karen Jones.

Starting point is 00:57:31 Karen Jones. Karen Jones. Karen Jones. Karen Jones. Karen Jones. Karen Jones. Karen Jones. Karen Jones.

Starting point is 00:57:43 Karen Jones. I got it. Some of you may remember me. I was falsely accused of storming the Capitol. I've been pardoned by President Trump. Unfortunately, I had already been incarcerated for 90 days before I got the pardon. Still grateful, but while I was in prison, I was raped. Well, okay, date raped.

Starting point is 00:58:17 Okay, it was consensual. It was still very unpleasant. And yeah, okay, I was on house arrest. But it's terrible to be on house arrest because you can't leave, but I found out that you could leave for medical procedures. So I scheduled a mammogram, a pap smear, and a colonoscopy. And I'm telling you, it was as horrible

Starting point is 00:58:43 as any other time I've been raped, date raped, had sex and regretted it, whatever you want to call it. Thank you. Karen Jones, one of the most famous characters in the show's history, a wild, some people would call her a batty woman. Tony, I know you said not to ask questions,

Starting point is 00:59:05 but I got a question for you. What the fuck? What, what the fuck? If you're here, who's gonna take down the Tiger King? Whoo! Mark Normand is on fire. On fucking fire. You look like the woman who fired Angel from The Target. Or Candice. Who was the last person?

Starting point is 00:59:32 That's right. It was Candice. Candice. So, Karen Jones, give us an update. What's been going on in life? I sometimes, you know, hear about you. You come up a lot. I get reports. Karen Jones is fucking doing this and that. You're around.

Starting point is 00:59:50 Well, I always try and be in the most interesting places I can be. Flower shops, plant stores, uh, carburetums. Well, probably one of the biggest changes is I was in a little granny flat out in Dripping Springs on my son's property. He was going through a divorce. You remember my son?

Starting point is 01:00:10 The real Alex Jones. And uh... Keep going, Karen. Keep going. I think you ought to stroke that for a second. Yeah. No. No, but it could happen.

Starting point is 01:00:20 You're walking a blind guy with this story right now. There he goes. So pick up the pace, Karen Jones. I have been known to clear the room, okay? But my son remarried, and he remarried a very beautiful woman, and it turns out that five acres is not enough room for two women. So I've had to move, and I'm living out in Canyon Lake now. And uh...

Starting point is 01:00:43 So let's really break it down. Yeah. It's your son's property, am I correct? Yes. He bought it. Yes. And somehow you made yourself so known, so present, that they made you move somewhere else. Explain to us what a daily routine on a five acre ranch

Starting point is 01:01:01 with Karen Jones is like. Well when you're on house arrest, it's very limited. But normally, because... But you have the whole five acres. The whole five acres. I also had three kids I was taking care of in the main house, so I became the... Taking care of your son?

Starting point is 01:01:18 No, his children. Wait, were you really under house arrest? Um... Ari, everybody's with it except for you right now. I understand. You're the only person confused at all. The crowd is now wondering why you're confused. What's your house arrest for?

Starting point is 01:01:33 Storming the Capitol. I thought that was in Joan. No! That's not a normal thing! Real fucking story. That's not a normal thing! This is Kill Tony! This is Kill Tony. -♪

Starting point is 01:01:47 All right, this is the only place you can meet real people that have stormed the Capitol other than Fox News. I did not, and if you recall, I've said all along I was invited in. I was. I was invited in. Isn't the Capitol has the vampire rules? The Capitol is... I was invited in. I had... Isn't the Capitol has the vampire rules? The Capitol is...

Starting point is 01:02:07 is normally open. The door was open. We asked permission to go in, and my husband had never been inside the rotunda or... No better time than January 6th, 2021. Right on cue. But what happened is they invited us in, and I took a plea deal,

Starting point is 01:02:25 so I couldn't speak as freely on your show, but that's why I got the 90 days. My lawyer was shocked I didn't just get probation. But I told too much. Like, I told that no police had died, only J6ers, and so I got an extra trouble. Cool nickname, by the way. Well, we went to Memorial Day to a J6 reunion.

Starting point is 01:02:48 J6 reunion. Oh my God. Holy shit. This bitch knows how to party. Yes, she does. The crowd goes wild. Well, because they believe me that we were invited in and we were trapped.

Starting point is 01:03:07 Maybe not all of them, but enough people know now that I can say this without being arrested for perjuring myself on my statement of facts and deal I signed. But they invited us in, and then they trapped us, and they hit me really hard with a billy club in the stomach, and then they sprained my ass on me. If they wanted you to get out of there,

Starting point is 01:03:25 they should have just invited your son. Mom, there's just not enough room here at the Capitol for you. We gotta move you to a completely different ranch. Tens and tens of miles away. So do you still make it back to, have you been to the Capitol since? No, just the Texas Capitol.

Starting point is 01:03:48 And they're very nice. Even when I was on pre-trial, they let me in. They're open on Sunday. Texas has such a nice Capitol. And Washington, DC used to be nicer, but it's really went to hell. Yep, yep. It sure has. It sure has.

Starting point is 01:04:03 Just with the Congress, like the Congress inside of it if you ask me. What did you do after Dennis the Man has stole your cookies? Good question. Thanks, me. I can't believe Willie Nelson transitioned. Oh!

Starting point is 01:04:18 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Starting point is 01:04:24 Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Unbelievable. I really love it. We're really doing it, Red Band. So Karen, anything else crazy going on in your life that we should know about? Well, you know, I was trying to decide whether or not I should go with the J6 stuff because I have been going to open mics regularly and I've been working on my gay material. Why don't we hear one of your gay jokes? I want to hear one of your gay jokes. Do we want to hear one of your gay jokes? I want to hear one of your gay jokes. Do we want to hear one of her gay jokes?

Starting point is 01:04:47 Come on. I think we do. Oh! I'll give you a bit of my gay minute. Okay. It's that I told all my kids growing up, I didn't want them to be damaged, so I always told them that if I find out you're gay,

Starting point is 01:05:03 I just won't be able to love you as much. It's nothing personal, but we all know that homosexuality is caused by overbearing, castrating, ball-busting bitch moms, and I'm not gonna let one of you f----- make me look like a bad mom. Whoo! Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 01:05:24 I like her. Put her in the arena. This is going to be my favorite bucket ball of all time. I know. She is a legend. She is a legend in kiltoni folklore. Well, you probably missed me talking about your ball sack on Joke World, but you're... What? What the fuck? Last time I was in here, I saw his balls.

Starting point is 01:05:43 Well, I wasn't in here time I was in here, I saw his balls. Well, I wasn't in here. I was in LA, actually. And I was doing interviews for Joke World, and I've actually seen them a few times now. And I said, if I were you, I would keep them in my pants, because my husband is 73 years old and he has better looking balls and the whole deal. My husband looks better.

Starting point is 01:06:10 What the fuck? Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh no. Oh my God. There they are. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:06:18 Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:06:28 There they are. Oh, Jesus. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. My husband. That's awful. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 01:06:44 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Happy Pride! Aah! -♪ It's not something I haven't seen before. Yoni, cancel my Postmates order. No, the bad thing is, is after my husband sees this episode,

Starting point is 01:07:06 he'll be, like, walking around with his dick swinging. It's funny, when you get older, your dick gets bigger because of gravity. Yeah. Except for Ari's, obviously. Oh, can you imagine what they're going to look like at 73?

Starting point is 01:07:22 That's scary. Well, he's already 72, so, uh... Come on, Mark! Oh, my God. You should see his asshole, by the way. I don't want to see that. Okay, Red Band. Okay, Red Band.

Starting point is 01:07:34 Red Band. Red Band's actually got a point. It is covered in weird balloon knot hemorrhoids. It is normal hemorrhoids. Very disgusting. Uh... Well... Ari, your penis-to-balls ratio always shocks me. Right! Right!

Starting point is 01:07:52 It is absolutely crazy. I never understand it. It is wild. It's like some type of animal. Some type of weird creature you shoved into that zipper pocket. Yeah. It's very bizarre. It's gold. It is one of the weirdest ball sacks. It appears as though, it looks cancerous by the way.

Starting point is 01:08:11 Yes. You ever get it checked out? I'll get it checked, I have not, I have not. Have you had a prostate exam? Yeah, well, it was a hooker. Right. Karen Jones, you are always such an unbelievably entertaining interview. Unbelievable. Thank you again, here's a big one for you. Karen Jones, you are always such an unbelievably

Starting point is 01:08:25 entertaining interview. Unbelievable. Thank you again. Here's a big one for you. There's a joke book. Fuck yeah. I caught it. Not like those other chicks.

Starting point is 01:08:35 Karen Jones, ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. Karen Jones, everyone. Goodbye, Karen. Great to see you. We love you, Karen. Get the fuck out of here, Karen. Get the fuck out of here, Karen. Great to see you. Great to see you. We love you Karen. Get the fuck out of here Karen. Get the fuck out of here Karen. Jesus fucking Christ.

Starting point is 01:08:47 Tell another 45 minute story. Wow. Wow. Oh my God. I'd let her storm my capital. Am I right? This podcast is sponsored by Incogni. Look folks, here's the problem.

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Starting point is 01:11:32 Your next bucket poll goes by the name of Aldo Caldo. All right, one more time for Aldo. I guess there's no fucking music here tonight. I love my women how I love my coffee, sliding off the roof of my car. I love my women how I love my coffee, sliding off the roof of my car. Many moons ago, I used to be the bass player for the Latin boy group band called Menudo. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:56 Men. Nude. Oh. We used to hop the borders all around Latin America playing these sold-out shows, and I used to think to myself, wow, I made it. I really made it. I remember I came home with my first million in pesos. It was like the best hundred bucks I ever made. People would always ask me, hey Aldo, how did you know who was going to be the next

Starting point is 01:12:21 menudo? Because they would get molested and then get kicked out or hit puberty. Was it always the cute one that would say, Suvete a mi moto, vamos a mamar entre los dos. No, it was always the Menudo that set their microphones up like this. He was the next Ricky Martin. Gracias.

Starting point is 01:12:50 Ah. Okay. De nada. De nada. Aldo caldo. That must crush it. Taco stands all across the country. Senor. Very Latino material.

Starting point is 01:13:04 You know, got to represent. Okay. All right, there's a couple people very... Very up-store set. Hey, hey. With a piquito pina. That's good. All right. Aldo, what do you do for work?

Starting point is 01:13:14 I tour. I'm a musician. I'm a musical comedian, but... How long have you been doing stand-up? About eight years, off and on. And you've been playing music your whole life? Yes. You started with an accordion, like a typical Mexican? No, I actually started on off and on. Can you been playing music your whole life? Yes. You started with an accordion like a typical Mexican?

Starting point is 01:13:27 No, I actually started on piano and guitar. And I kind of now play acoustic and bass. What do you specialize in now? Right now, guitar and bass. OK. Acoustic or electric? Whatever the gig calls for. But right now, I'm playing it.

Starting point is 01:13:40 All right, let's get this guitar out here. Let's see what happens here. Let's let him try something. I'm dying for playing this guitar. Let's get him a guitar. The beautiful Heidi with a guitar, ready to go. No covers, Aldo. It's got to be an original song.

Starting point is 01:13:56 You got to make it sound good. None of that Gypsy King shit. Yeah, we don't want to have to give our money to YouTube. Oh, shit. They're communicating back here, they're calling out the play. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's do this. We on Kill Tony. Funny mother f***** bad b***** only.

Starting point is 01:14:37 We on Kill Tony. Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony. We on Kill Tony. Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony We on Kill Tony Rolling out of Texas on a golden pony We on Kill Tony Guitar went out. Yeah! Una cumbia para tolandica Están buscando la música

Starting point is 01:14:54 Let me see, put your hands together. Say Kill Tony, Kill Tony, Kill Tony All right, you're not singing or playing the instrument. That's just my band doing really good stuff. That was God taking control of that moment. Is there a switch or something? Matt Mueling, what would you do to get that guitar to work? Wait, you didn't really play that, though?

Starting point is 01:15:18 Yeah. Well, not really. Not really. It was more lyrical. Let's talk to Gibson to get one that works. All right. I'm going to get ICE on the phone. ICE is on the phone. They're waiting for me outside right now.

Starting point is 01:15:33 Wow. I shouldn't even be here right now. I'm just proud to be allowed. Where should you be? Where else would you rather be? I come from a law enforcement family. They're all CIA. You should be on a deportation search, Asweila.

Starting point is 01:15:44 Wow. OK. Are you just going in the middle of an answer with two other people talking. Let's go, Ari! Every time he pulls out that giant, tiny cock of his, he gets real excited afterwards. By all means, by all means. Aldo Caldo, I gotta get something juicy out of this interview, man.

Starting point is 01:16:05 Give us a real interesting fun fact about your life. Something fun. I recently almost had a felony charge for having weed down in the South Valley, South Texas. Well, I mean, we've all been there. How about something else? What else? Anybody who's had any weed in South Texas

Starting point is 01:16:21 has almost been up for it. Something else, I have a day named after me, like Deep Madness, for doing music here out of Texas, representing the Latino Music Association, here in Austin, Texas. You have a day, what day is it? November 15th, I also turned it into a festival called the Caldo Festival,

Starting point is 01:16:37 helped feed 3,000 families with caldo, you know, soup. Okay. So yeah, so you know, trying to get back to the people that gave to me, so representing. Wow, amazing. Nice of you to give the soup out instead of eating it yourself.

Starting point is 01:16:52 Hey, well, I ate a lot of it. I got to test it all, man. What's your favorite soup? Caldo de, all of them, caldo de cariño. No, caldo de res. Uh-huh. All right, Aldo. All right, we're gonna get you out of here. Here's a medium sized joke book. There goes-huh. All right, Aldo. All right. We're gonna get you out of here.

Starting point is 01:17:05 Here's a medium-sized joke book. There goes Aldo. Aldo. Aldo. Everybody. Wow. And now, it's time for one of our regulars. Ladies and gentlemen, this man has been

Starting point is 01:17:24 an absolute juggernaut since his arrival here in the KilToni world. He is, without a doubt, one of the most legendary regulars of all time. And soon to be, without a doubt, a citizen of the United States of America. But for now, he remains the Estonian Assassin. This is Ari Matty! ARI MATTY! ARI MATTY!

Starting point is 01:17:57 ARI MATTY! ARI MATTY! What's up? So, speaking of small dicks, when are we getting big dicks, huh? Isn't it crazy? There's no developments at all. Yo, Elon Musk, fuck you. I don't give a fuck about Mars.

Starting point is 01:18:24 Where's my big black car? at all. Yo, Elon Musk, fuck you. I don't give a fuck about Mars. Where's my big black cock? Isn't it crazy Katy Perry's in orbit before I have a big hog? And I've looked into it. No progress. The only thing you can get And I've looked into it. No progress. The only thing you can get is you go to Mexico and they don't make you a big dick.

Starting point is 01:18:56 You pay 60 grand and what they do, they remove your lower abdominal muscles to, like, excavate more dick out of you. audience laughter $60,000 for an extra two inches. audience laughter Hey! I don't need two inches. Great. Now we're at four. Thank you so much. Wow.

Starting point is 01:19:31 Ari Matty has done it again. Everybody. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. What's up, Tony? What's up, Tony? What's up, Ari? We are big Ari Matty fans over here.

Starting point is 01:19:44 Huge, huge. Ari Matty fans. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. What's up, Tony? What's up, Tony? What's up, Ari? We are big Ari Matty fans over here. Huge. Huge. Ari Matty fans. Oh my God. Ari, how's it been going? What have you been up to?

Starting point is 01:20:01 I went to New Orleans yesterday. You're from there, right? Wow. Wow. Great Mark Norman is from there. Dude, dude, New Orleans. If only the French would see what you guys did to that city. Dude, I went on Bourbon Street.

Starting point is 01:20:14 The smells? Oh, my God. Dude, I literally saw an Indian guy hold his nose. Psst, psst, psst. Do you know how bad a place has to be? For an Indian man. Candice August showing her husband around her old hometown. Yep.

Starting point is 01:20:38 Taking him back to see the sights. So Ari, how's life? What else is going on? Anything crazy? I don't know, Yeah, we went to Mobile, Alabama, and then New Orleans. The power went out during the show four times in Mobile, Alabama. Oh, wow.

Starting point is 01:20:53 And they just go, uh, Mobile. Alabama rolled like that. Alabama. Not known for its electricity. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ari, what's your love life like? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha Or it's electricity. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ari, what's your love life like? Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:21:08 Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah. Two Tonys, two Ari's. Oh yeah. Oh two Tonys, two Ari's, one Mark. Ah ha ha ha ha. Ah ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:21:19 Ah ha ha ha ha. There's gotta be another autistic out there, huh? Ah ha ha ha. Ah ha ha there. Hey! Oh my god. You know, Ari, I also have huge balls. It's crazy. What's what? Prove it.

Starting point is 01:21:32 No, I'm scared. I'm scared. No, no, no, no. Listen. Are you like Ari? Are you mostly balls? It's 95% balls. Wow. Wow. Literally, my dick looks like it's chilling on a bean bag, dude. It's fucking... My whole... My God.

Starting point is 01:21:47 Your dick looks like it's coming out of a jute tunnel. My dick looks like it owes my balls money, and now they're all at the ATM. What does an Estonian dick smell like? It's clean and white. Sorry, weird question. Tony? That is a very weird question. What does an Estonian dick smell like? No, I'm kidding. Good question, me.

Starting point is 01:22:22 Yeah. No, we've been having a lot of fun. We've been drinking, having a blast around this city. Yeah, I have a problem, man. You what? I have a problem. Yep, yep, yep, yep. Drink.

Starting point is 01:22:35 Drink every day, baby! We were there last night. We've been having a lot of fun. Yeah, it's so much fun. We were working hard and playing hard. You can do both. We can do both. What else is going? Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. and playing hard. You can do both. We can do both.

Starting point is 01:22:48 What else is going? Fuck. Oh. All right. That's my... I'm good. Cigarettes are tough. You guys look like Siegfried Roy. You guys look like Sie goes on and on.

Starting point is 01:23:26 Back to the bucket we go. Make some noise for your next bucket full. It's Benjamin Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr Hello, how are you? Ladies, are you sick of your man's wrinkled old fucking bald sack? That hairy old dusty nut sack? Well, I got something for you. It's called Scrotox. It's Botox for your testicles.

Starting point is 01:24:11 I don't care if you like the red socks, the white socks, or don't even wear fucking socks. For your smooth nut sack tomorrow, use Scrotox today. It also removes hair for the ultimate tea bagging experience. You'll later be looking forward to that. My cousin recently married a Chinese girl. At the wedding reception, they had this fucking beautiful lasso.

Starting point is 01:25:02 Let him go, let him go, let him go. You can finish Benjamin. You gotta keep it going. They had this beautiful lasso absolute souffle that was out of this world. They had poodle kebabs on a brioche bun. Beagle burgers and leg of lamb with a nice mint sauce.

Starting point is 01:25:22 I never believed that shit, but I do now That's it. Okay Benjamin is a legend believe it or not much like Karen Jones in this show's history And for the same reason as Karen Jones He is not necessarily known for his standup during the minute long sets, but my God, if this isn't one of the greatest interviewees in the history of the show.

Starting point is 01:25:55 Famous for being able to somehow tap into a story that is a thousand times funnier than anything he says during the standup part. It's happened before the legendary story of him stealing a man's television while he made himself a sandwich was told on the show. We've heard of him having many hangs with the Night Stalker. Uh... Yes, actually.

Starting point is 01:26:20 Some other highlights as well. Well, he has a son. Okay. Okay. They call him little Richard Good golly, Miss Molly All right. Never mind. Like I said, his jokes aren't really that good but if we can guide him into Accidentally telling a story that he never thought that he would say you have anything else up your sleeve Benjamin You've had so many highlight moments on the interview part.

Starting point is 01:26:48 I mean, we're really pushing it here. This is like staying in Vegas when you're already winning. You signed up again. You're famous for tapping into unbelievable stories. Is there anything that we should know that you haven't told us before? You must've been kicking something around in your head. Something fun?

Starting point is 01:27:04 Yeah, I got another story. What? I have another story. Okay, what's this story about? It's about when I was at Dragdale, I owed these Italian guys in New York $80,000. Oh, great. Let's fucking go.

Starting point is 01:27:19 Wow, that's fucking dope. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And I didn't have any money. Give us the right lighting here, Keno. Benjamin owes Italians in New York $80,000.

Starting point is 01:27:33 He didn't have enough money. And here he goes. This is Benjamin Gray. Yeah, this was at the height of my heroin addiction. That's why I spent there $80,000. Well, actually, it had nothing to do with heroin. It was my co-dealer. I actually owed him $80,000.

Starting point is 01:27:57 And he owed the Italians $80,000. And there were four other guys that owed him about $100,000, so I owed him the least. And their theory was if they killed me, to set an example, the other people would pay up. Actually, I only owed him $60,000, but my girlfriend owed him $20,000. And she was a UCSB student, and she used to sell weed for me. And they wanted to put her in a cat house up in Reno to work off her 20 grand.

Starting point is 01:28:35 And she's like, well, I'm a vegan. What are you talking about? I'm going to graduate this year. And so I absorbed her 20 grand, which brought mine up to 80. And my friend whose name is, we'll call him Jason, because that was his name. Here we go.

Starting point is 01:29:01 Perfect. This is what I'm talking about. We're doing it, Red Band. Red Band, we're doing it. Keep is what I'm talking about. We're doing it, Red Band. Red Band, we're doing it. Keep going, Benjamin. Go ahead. Yeah. He was a rich kid from Santa Barbara.

Starting point is 01:29:15 His dad was like the president of the Santa Barbara Stock Exchange or something. But he wasn't a good drug dealer. And from hanging around with me, he got strung out on heroin. And he didn't get along too good with the Mexicans in the neighborhood. And I got along great with him until I accidentally burnt one of the houses down. I just meant to blow up the car, but I used too much gasoline, and the driveway had a little incline to it,

Starting point is 01:29:56 and the gasoline went around the house, and you know, shit happens. I didn't expect the house to catch fire. I'm going off track. This has nothing to do with the Italians. Yeah, well, these are, we'll call these guys Hi, Mike. Yeah, well, these are, we'll call these guys the Rodriguez Brothers, because that was their name. And they were cool guys.

Starting point is 01:30:59 They were honest, honest drug dealers. You give them money, they brought the drugs back. And none of them were home this particular day, except their one brother, Jesse. And he had just got out of jail, like two days before that. And I figured he was cool like the rest of the brothers. So I gave him a six grand for an ounce of heroin. And while we were talking about the heroin, he showed me this vintage car

Starting point is 01:31:27 that he was working on. And he was really proud of this car. So anyway, I gave him the money and after an hour he didn't come back. He left me in his little shack behind his parents' house. I'm waiting for him. After two hours he didn't come back. Then I finally realized his motherfucker ripped me off. And it was Jason's money, my friend Jason, the coke dealer. So I had to go back and tell him I lost the money, I fucking got ripped off. And he's like, holy shit, the Italians are coming. We have to get all this money together." So he said,

Starting point is 01:32:06 "'What are you gonna do?' I said, "'I don't know, but it's fucked up.' He said, "'I'm gonna go blow his car up.' Went to the gas station, got a gallon of gas. You know,

Starting point is 01:32:17 I used to blow cars up a lot when I was a teenager. Pfft." I did it. You know, the older guys, they didn't want to make payments anymore, so they would, you know, give me 50 bucks in the keys to their car. And they'd say, you know, drive it around for a week, have fun, and then burn it. So I did. First time I did it, I didn't realize I was supposed to leave a trail.

Starting point is 01:32:49 And I poured gas all over the place. They said, put in the engine compartment, the trunk, the interior, and then throw a match at it. But they didn't tell me to make a trail. So I was standing like six inches away from the fucking car. And I'm like... I know. All my hair burns. My fucking eyebrows, my eyelashes, my hair.

Starting point is 01:33:18 I go back to the donut shop. Oh yeah, and they said, what did you do? Wait, wait, wait, hold on one second. Where's this donut shop come from? No, donut shop. Okay. Okay, go ahead, go ahead. I went back to the donut shop.

Starting point is 01:33:38 My big book is filled too, by the way. Okay, just keep going. We'll talk about that later. Come on, come on. It's almost tomorrow. Jesus. by the way. Okay, just keep going. We'll talk about that later. Come on. It's almost tomorrow. Jesus. So, and they said, make sure you bring the keys back.

Starting point is 01:33:51 If you don't bring the keys back, the insurance company will, they won't collect. And I forgot the keys in the ignition. So as soon as I go back to the donut shop, they say, you got the keys? And I went, ah, shit. I forgot the keys shop, they say, you got the keys? And I went, oh shit, I forgot the keys. And they're like, what the fuck happened to your hair? I said, I got burnt, you know? So the next day we went to look at the car

Starting point is 01:34:15 where they towed it and everything was melted. The dashboard, the steering wheel, the keys were like a puddle down there, nothing there. Anyways, that's a different story about Jesse's car. I shouldn't have used their real name because they might still be around these guys. And they're gonna be pissed off when they see this. Because the very next day after the house caught fire,

Starting point is 01:34:41 I went right back, knocked on the door, I'm like, what the fuck, your brother ripped me off last night. What happened to your house? And some fucking asshole blew it up. My brother's been ripping everybody off, you know, and people are pissed off. Anyway, so that was that.

Starting point is 01:34:56 So back to the Italians. Yes, here we go. So Jason's saying, hey, you guys got to pay up. The Italians are coming. He was saying this for like six fucking months. And he was saying, hey, you guys gotta pay up. The Italians are coming. He was saying this for like six fucking months. And he was a wimp. You know, he'd go to school heroin.

Starting point is 01:35:10 He called me one day crying from downtown. He said, the fucking Mexicans took my BMW. He went the hell, I told you not to go down there without me. He goes down there with his tennis shirt and his sweater tied around his neck. You know how fucking... Keep going, keep going.

Starting point is 01:35:26 Santa Barbara, guys. Keep going. Back to the Italians. Back to the Italians. So anyway, he said, the Italians are coming. The Italians are coming. And we're like, yeah, yeah, fuck you, Jason. So finally, in my house one day, my girlfriend was sitting there about 6 o'clock at night,

Starting point is 01:35:42 and there's a knock on the door. I opened the door, and there's this little guy that looked like Joe Pesci with an afro. And he goes, hey, I'm Frank, and this is my friend, Bubba, this big muscle guy. He said, we're here to discuss your bill with Jason. I'm going, oh, fuck, the Italians, they're here. The Italians have finally arrived,

Starting point is 01:36:05 for those of you that have completely fallen asleep six minutes ago. Yeah. The Italians, they have arrived. I got distracted. The Italians are here, and they're saying, come on, we're gonna take you out for dinner, we wanna talk about how you're gonna pay us back.

Starting point is 01:36:21 And I'm like, you know, I'm really not hungry. I just ate. And my girlfriend's going like, don't go, you'll pay us back. And I'm like, you know, I'm really not hungry. I just ate. And my girlfriend's going like, don't go, you'll never come back. She's the one that owned 20 grand. So anyway, I did. We went with the Italians and they said, we're talking about how I'm gonna pay them back.

Starting point is 01:36:36 I said, look, I don't even fucking deal drugs anymore. I'm just a fucking strung out junkie. And one day at a time, keep coming back. And so finally. I'll pay you 80 grand to finish this story. Hey, all right. And I'll double that money if you tell me where Gabby Petito is.

Starting point is 01:37:06 So anyway, I talked them into letting me, my girlfriend got a job in San Francisco, at Chevron, and I told them, look, I got a job at this restaurant in San Francisco, you guys let me leave town and I'll send you guys like two grand a month, you know? I didn't have a job in San Francisco, I lied. So anyway, they said, okay, you go to San Francisco and you send us that money. If you don't send us that money, we're going to come up there and if I can use you, set an example for the other guys so they'll pay up. And I'm saying, well, yeah, if you kill me, you won't get the money. They said, yeah, but it'll, you know, give them the impetus to pay the rest of the money.

Starting point is 01:37:41 And they owe a lot more than you do. It was like a half a million altogether. the rest of the money and they owe a lot more than you do. It was like a half a million altogether. So anyway, I'm in San Francisco, two, three months go by, I didn't send anything, I didn't talk to him or anything. And one day I'm in bed and I hear, I'm dreaming of a fire crackling, you know, firewood and cracking fire. Like 6 a.m. in the morning.

Starting point is 01:38:03 My girlfriend was visiting her parents in Santa Barbara, so I was alone. And it wasn't a fireplace. You're dreaming, and then? And then I thought it was a fireplace, but what it was in reality was my door to the apartment being cracked open. It was the wood actually cracked right down the middle.

Starting point is 01:38:23 And I see these big guys go walking by my door, big guns, T-shirts, jeans, tennis shoes. And the fucking... And the one, two, three, and the fourth one... The fourth one looks in the bedroom, and he's going, ah, shit, he's in here! Next thing I know, I sit up like that, there's three fucking guys...

Starting point is 01:38:48 on my bed. Come on, this is Kill Tony, not Rogan. Yeah, let's do it. Thank you. So then what happened, Ben? The Italians are finally here, fucking 20 minutes into the story. Yeah. They, uh...

Starting point is 01:39:02 Would you pour them into your freedom? Yeah, yeah. One of them straddled me, and the other two are standing on my hands. Later on they told me they thought I was reaching for a gun. That's why they did that. And the one in the middle put the fucking gun in my mouth, chipped my tooth, pulled the hammer back, and I'm going, okay, this is it. I'm going to fucking be dead. Then a guy comes in the doorway in a three-piece suit with a tie, pulls out a fucking badge,

Starting point is 01:39:26 and he goes, Ben Grelly? I said, yeah. He goes, DEA, you're under arrest. So it wasn't the Italians. You got busted for being a heroin dealer and addict. Jason got busted in Santa Barbara. And he had my name and address in his book, my telephone number, and the other four guys, all their names and addresses,

Starting point is 01:39:46 and he was always telling us, use code, don't use my name, blah, blah, blah, all this shit, and he didn't do it all his own direction. Ben, is there like something big coming? Is that it? No, that's not it. That's it?

Starting point is 01:40:01 No, there's more. Okay, well let's get to that stuff real quick. Anyway, yeah, well they picked me up out's get to that stuff real quick. Anyway, yeah. Well, they picked me up out of bed. I had my fucking boxes on, which happened to have marijuana leaps and blazing all over them. And they had me in the kitchen.

Starting point is 01:40:14 And they were looking for coke, because they said, you owe him 80 grand. And I'm like, no, no, I owed him $80. You guys are fucked up. You didn't do your homework. It's $80, not 80 grand. He paid for my Frank Zappa ticket. I just fucking made up this ticket.

Starting point is 01:40:32 We did go to see Frank Zappa. Anyway, so the Santa Barbara cops flew up from Santa Barbara in the DEA. Ben, you might have to finish it next time. It's a little too long. Okay, long story short, I didn't talk. You can't do this. No, go ahead, don't. Let him do it.

Starting point is 01:40:49 Let him do it now. Let him do it. I'm allowing you. I'd rather listen to Biden. I didn't... I didn't talk, and the Italians actually... The head Italian called me up. He said, you're the only one that didn't fucking riot on us. Everybody else talked.

Starting point is 01:41:03 He had the fucking transcripts. And I said, well, what about the 80 grand? He said, forget're the only one that didn't fucking write on us. Everybody else talked. He had the fucking transcripts. And I said, well, what about the 80 grand? He says, forget about the 80 grand. We had a good day yesterday. And that was it. Wow. All right, here's a big joke book, Ben. Thank you so much.

Starting point is 01:41:16 Congratulations. Benjamin Grell. Wow. All right. All right. Well, everyone in this room is now done. Wow. Like a piece of ginger in between bites of sushi, All right. All right. Well, wow. Like a piece of ginger in between bites of sushi, the lovely Heidi cleanses our palate

Starting point is 01:41:32 from the unbelievable dreadful story of Benjamin Girl. It was gripping and nothing at the same time. He's really good at it, but that one didn't really have the, didn't have the twists and turns that Norma does. No, that was like the Irishman. Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage and the new Rogers Stadium with Go Transit. Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fares, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday, anywhere along the Go network. And the Weekday Group Passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility

Starting point is 01:42:09 across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online Go Pass ahead of the show at Gotransit.com slash tickets. No frills, delivers. Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. All right, ladies and gentlemen, back to the bucket we go.

Starting point is 01:42:38 This looks like a new name. Make some noise for Luke Lawrence, everybody. It's Luke Lawrence. Luke Lawrence, everybody. It's Luke Lawrence, everybody. Here he goes. Let's go! Whoo! Whoo!

Starting point is 01:42:49 Whoo! I know I'm not a confident guy, and I know I'm not a hot guy, but I know I'm just hot enough that prostitutes are relieved when they walk into my apartment. Like I know I'm not like a hard day's work, you know what I mean? But I'm gonna give her a run for her money for sure. For sure. I got a crazy little message from I'm gonna give her a run for her money for sure. For sure. I got a crazy little message from my ex-girlfriend, a little, my friend's ex-girlfriend a little while ago.

Starting point is 01:43:09 She texted me, she's like, hey, Tyler just died. And I'm like, holy fuck. And she's like, yeah, he just told me he loved me. And I had this picture, my best friend having a heart attack and just throwing his phone immediately because she couldn't find it right after he died. And all I'm thinking is just like, he wants people to love him right after he died. And all I'm thinking is just like, he wants people to love him right after he dies.

Starting point is 01:43:26 Nope. Things aren't always the best they can be. Sometimes you get fucking cheated on. And you know your friends try to support you sometimes when you get cheated on. My best friend's literally just like, yo man, she's for the streets. She's not, she's native.

Starting point is 01:43:40 She's for the land. That's it, holy fuck, that was terrible. Jesus Christ. What the fuck? You nailed it there at the end. You are correct. That was terrible. All you had to do was get one laugh. Dude, I know.

Starting point is 01:43:58 All you had to do was any fact. Okay, so Luke Lawrence, how long have you been doing stand-up? Oh, too long for that. Okay. I only do once a week though, because I live in Newfoundland. Oh, wow.

Starting point is 01:44:11 Yeah, so I own the only comedy club in Newfoundland and it's only host comedy one night a week. Okay. That's going to close after this. Yeah. Oh, dude. They tried to cancel my comedy club like two weeks ago. It was crazy. For what? We hosted the Danger Cats. Dude, they tried to cancel my comedy club like two weeks ago. It was crazy.

Starting point is 01:44:25 For what? We hosted the Danger Cats. And what's that? It's a comedy troupe in Canada. Oh, it's the number one comedy troupe in Canada, man. You have to know about this, the Danger Cats. Exactly. Is it?

Starting point is 01:44:38 It's a Canadian? Canadian comedy troupe. They're coming down here in a few weeks. But yeah, shit got fucking. Apparently, they're tied to neo-Nazis or some shit. I don't fucking know. It was, yeah, right? And then the woke people were all flipping out

Starting point is 01:44:53 and saying that I was like a filly with it. I was like, Jesus Christ. Right. Yeah. Okay. You dress like you coach a Nazi basketball league. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why Newfoundland? That's where I basketball league. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Why Newfoundland?

Starting point is 01:45:06 That's where I was born. And, okay. And then I moved, I moved, I moved to Toronto. I was living in Toronto for a while and then the pandemic happened. And then like everybody in Toronto cared about the pandemic and I went back to Newfoundland because it's like, I was one of the last people

Starting point is 01:45:19 to see the submersible leave. What do you mean by that? I have a boat and I was like hanging out on the boat and I seen the submersible leave. What do you mean by that? I have a boat and I was like hanging out on the boat and I seen the submersible go away. They can get the Titan submersible. Ah. Yeah. Gotcha. Yeah. Gotcha. All right. What do you do for work? I own a comedy club. Nope. Nope. No. No one believes you. How do you make money? I own, I fucking, I just, I have a couple businesses. What are the other businesses?

Starting point is 01:45:47 The other business are production company and I'm also a screenwriter and I, yeah. How much money have you made screenwriting? Too much to talk about on the show, I guess. Really? Yeah. Have you written anything that we've seen? Yeah, I got a movie called Party Pirate

Starting point is 01:46:01 that's on Amazon Prime right now. Party Pirate? Party Pirate. Where are my Party Pirate fans at? Party Pirate that's on Amazon Prime right now. Party Pirate? Party Pirate. Where are my Party Pirate fans at? Party Pirate says. You've seen it? It's got surprisingly good ratings, I don't know. Canada editing, they just made the fucking movie so shitty,

Starting point is 01:46:13 I think, but like, What is Party? It's my opinion, like literally, like there was just like, every time I submitted a script, they're like, this gotta get him out, it's gotta come out, and I'm like, fuck sakes man, Jesus Christ. It's not the same thing I tried to put out there,

Starting point is 01:46:23 but that's it. Is Party Pirate about an Asian guy who flies planes? I didn't even hear what you said. What'd you say? What happened earlier in the show that I'm not getting? Nothing, it was right there in the moment. Oh. Because that's how Asians talk.

Starting point is 01:46:37 Sorry. This episode's brought to you by Incogni and Tacovus. So tell us something crazy about your life here. We're trying to figure something out. I know. I have a lot of near-death experiences. Yeah? Yeah, I've almost died a bunch of times, a lot too often.

Starting point is 01:46:55 One of them got 30 million views in a day. What happened? I drove a four-seater side-by-side off like a seven-story cliff. And then-side, off, like, a seven-story cliff. And I... then I rode it off, walked away immediately, and then the cartel were just like, you owe us $50,000. Ooh, the Italians are coming.

Starting point is 01:47:16 No, the cartel, the Mexican cartel. No, I know, I know. Do you count tonight as one of the nights you almost died? I bombed on stage, yeah, it's terrible. Holy fuck. Yeah. Are of the nights you almost died? I bombed on stage. Yeah, it's terrible. Holy fuck. Yeah. Do you have audiences? Are you used to performing in front of other human beings? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:47:31 Those jokes are the... those three jokes, they are the most performed, like best performance ones. What the fuck was that sentence you just said? I know. I've got disfluency too. I've got a bunch of fucking disabilities, so you can't tell. We all do. What is your best... Yeah, I know. What is your best joke that you could tell right now?

Starting point is 01:47:49 My best joke? It's not quick. Like, trying to perform... Like, trying to get a minute is so much harder than trying to do, like, a three-minute set or any of that shit. Right, because you have long setups, right? Yeah, you're right. Yes, I am right.

Starting point is 01:48:00 Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're gonna keep it moving here. Here's a little joke book, Newfoundland. Jesus Christ, okay. Aw, yeah, yeah. We're gonna keep it moving here. Here's a little joke book, newfoundland. Jesus Christ, okay. Oh, everybody's sad. He's sad. I mean, he doesn't have any, there's nothing to talk about.

Starting point is 01:48:12 There he goes. See ya. We're gonna keep it moving along here. Keep it moving, back to the bucket. Back to the bucket. This is surprisingly our ninth bucket pool of the night. We've been flying through it here tonight. Make some noise for Neil Rubenstein, everybody.

Starting point is 01:48:29 Neil Rubenstein, everybody. Neil Rubenstein, everybody. Okay. Neil Rubenstein is now done. Two, two, two. Let's go. Yeah, hi. Hi, everybody. Yeah, I'm Neil Rubenstein. People mispronounce it all the time, too.

Starting point is 01:48:46 Rubenstein, Rubenstein, Goldberg. I'm native from my grandfather, Norman Rubenstein, but I know that wasn't his name, you know, because he came over from Poland in the 1930s. His name was like a bunch of Cs and Zs. No vowels. Inside out K for some reason. And just the immigration guys couldn't read it. They're like, what are you showing me, a Wi-Fi password?

Starting point is 01:49:11 Is that one? Like, we're giving out a lot of Normans today. You're going to be Norman from now on. He said, my last name's Joe. Norman Rubenstein. You guys made me nervous. Holy shit. We're giving out a lot of Normans today.

Starting point is 01:49:23 You're going to be Norman from now on. Norman Rubenstein. Rubenstein he said my last name is Jones like not anymore Jew and they just shoved him back down the stairs that's how it was for us never been a good time in history for the Jews no it's like oh you're Jewish right this way yeah well once stepped on the well once but I stepped on the well once, but all right. That went terribly. Neil Rubenstein. Hello, Neil. Hello, Neil. You've been on this show before, right?

Starting point is 01:49:53 Yeah, and it went better. Yeah, it went better last time. What do you think went wrong tonight? I got nervous. I switched, because he brought up Jew right away. Whoever said Jew. I think they were yelling at Ari. Yeah, also, yeah, you know, because Mark looks Jewish.

Starting point is 01:50:10 So I was like, all right, I guess we'll do Jew jokes. Or there's the rabbi in the middle here that you haven't seemed to notice, this Yiddish fucking overlord. Quite the matzah balls. Yeah. The final boss of Auschwitz the video game here, Ari Shaffir.

Starting point is 01:50:29 You look like you eat Jews. Yeah, very good. You look more like Rubenesque. Yeah. He did that last time he did the Ruben sandwich. You don't have to. The people are, let the new people make the same jokes that everybody thinks when they see you.

Starting point is 01:50:43 It should be a barometer to let you know exactly what people think. How long have you managed the animal band at Chuck E. Cheese? What do you do for work, Neil? What do you do? I just do this mostly, surprisingly. How do you make money doing this? Like doing shows, road shows,

Starting point is 01:51:04 and then also SiriusXM royalties and YouTube stuff. From a show you have on SiriusXM? No, I have a record out. That's right. And it's in like regular rotation. You're a musician. No, a comedy album out.

Starting point is 01:51:19 Oh. Yeah. That's embarrassing. And that's concerning. How long have you been on stand-up again? Ten years. Ten years, and you're making money doing this. Yeah, I mean not a ton, not as much as you guys, but.

Starting point is 01:51:31 Well, yeah, I mean, yeah. You're goddamn right, I bought my own fucking clone. I have a hot tub in my bathtub. I do have a hot tub in my bath- How'd you know that? I know, that's why I said it. Neil, since this isn't going hilarious from your end, let's go the other direction. Tell us about the saddest thing in your life.

Starting point is 01:51:58 In your life. Of all time, like what's some type of trauma that you're dealing with? What makes you cry? Ha ha. I tend to talk about my parents' deaths a lot. Yeah, what happened there, exactly? Oh, they... They... My mom died just a month after my dad.

Starting point is 01:52:16 Did you eat both of them? Yes. So how did they die? Uh, my dad died... It was, like, concussive symptoms, but it was just like... He was just like an old man. He was an old man. And, uh, my mom died of leukemia.

Starting point is 01:52:30 Okay. But we didn't believe her, because she was like a huge... Red band. Red band. Red band. She was a huge hypochondriac, so we didn't believe her. Oh, my God. So your mom was complaining that she was sick with something, and you guys didn't believe her, and then it turns out she had leukemia. So you must be dealing with the guilt of that. No, not really.

Starting point is 01:52:49 I mean, what the fuck, if I believed her, what would that change? She would have gotten treated for leukemia. Ever heard of chemo therapy? She was already, she was already like in the hospital. Actually, chemo, she had breast cancer, they gave her chemo, it gave her leukemia. Wait, she was in the hospital for cancer

Starting point is 01:53:07 and you still did not believe her? Where were you, the cafeteria? Yes. Yes. I'm so sorry. She was, yeah, she, cause like she was always like, you know, I have fibromyalgia, we're like,

Starting point is 01:53:21 we're like what are the symptoms, being mean to me? You know? Wow, your mom was mean to you. Yeah. So then like, yeah. So then she was in the hospital for leukemia and they were... It's okay. I don't know who's doing it, but it's great. Yeah. She was in the hospital and my sister was like, come see her. She's about to die. And we're like, yeah, we'll get there when we get there. And then what happened? I got there like as she died. Like when you say as she died like because like there's a part where the heart stops. No. So like was it did you make it or was it just afterwards and you feel guilty about it?

Starting point is 01:53:56 Should I be doing bits or? No. No she just I wasn't asking you, dickhead. Um... Yeah, she, uh... You know, it seems like you're dealing with a lot of trauma here, and, uh... I am gonna bring out someone special to talk with you right now. Don't worry, it's not your mom or dad.

Starting point is 01:54:21 Um... Ladies and gentlemen, we have a very special treat. Make some noise, swinging in, just to give a quick analysis of the great Neil Rubenstein. A very, very special treat. Make some noise for the great and powerful, Dr. True, everybody. Dr. True, ladies and gentlemen.

Starting point is 01:54:37 Wow. Ha ha ha ha. Legend of the game. The man, the myth. We know him, we love him. The great and powerful Dr. Drew. Dr. Drew, grab Mark Norman's mic there, or Neil's, whatever. And, uh...

Starting point is 01:54:57 I haven't been using it enough. The great Neil Rubenstein ran late to the death of his mother, and he has problems dealing with it. He says that his mom picked on him, his parents died, and that's why he says he eats himself to death every day. Do you have any advice? He's taking some liberties with the story. So you were there when your mom died?

Starting point is 01:55:19 Yeah, we watched. Yeah, we were there. And what happened? No, we just... She... Jesus Christ. And what happened? No, we just... She... LAUGHTER Jesus Christ. She just died? Yeah, she was like, just wanted her kids around her, and we all said goodbye, and she asked me to, you know,

Starting point is 01:55:34 to make sure I make jokes about leukemia. Well, sometimes when your mom's a C, she does you a favor, because when she dies, you don't give a shit. No, she wasn't. She wasn't. Oh, now we're defending them. Well, what am I supposed to do?

Starting point is 01:55:52 Is there a food addiction here? Is that? I don't know. I definitely don't know. It's serious shit. Yes. Tell us about the food addiction, Neil. Go ahead.

Starting point is 01:56:04 I don't know if it's food. I guess. I don't know. It is. It's food, bro. Yeah. Tell us about the food addiction, Neil. Go ahead. I don't know if it's food. I guess, I don't know. It is. It's food. It's food, bro. Yeah. It's definitely food.

Starting point is 01:56:09 It's definitely not bad. Have there been other addictions? I've fluctuated in my life. I am fat now. I'm also old now. I wasn't always that either. Yeah, I struggle with that. You seem like a very sensitive man.

Starting point is 01:56:20 I am a sensitive man. I see that. I have RSD. Is that a thing? RSD? What's that. I have RSD, is that a thing? RSD, what's that? I have HBO, but what is that? Really superb diet? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:56:34 No, yeah, yeah, I'm a sensitive guy. We're boring everybody to death right now. Maybe I should meet with him backstage. You know what, that's actually a great, what is RSD though, I wanna know. What is it, a rejective? Whoa, Jesus. That's actually a great... What is RSD though? I want to know. What is it? Rejective... Sucking dick? Whoa. Jesus.

Starting point is 01:56:49 Wow. The audience is wild here tonight. Wild. Some guy just yelled, regenerative sucking dick, just to show you the quality of the fan base we have here. He's now bowing. Jesus Christ. What an asshole. Guys, make some noise. What a just a fun pleasure to get to call them out ladies and gentlemen the legend the great American Dr. Drew Binsky everybody.

Starting point is 01:57:14 This is a legendary show tonight. We do love you thank you Dr. Drew we're so happy you swung by. You never know who you'll see here there they go they're gonna have a little session I'm just kidding Dr. Drew go enjoy yourself you can't help that man You never know who you'll see here. There they go, they're gonna have a little session. I'm just kidding, Dr. Drew, go enjoy yourself. You can't help that, man. Dr. Drew, the only man who can wear a child's small shirt and make it look good. It's true, except for us.

Starting point is 01:57:38 We do a good job too. What an episode, did you guys have fun tonight? This was so good. You know, there's only one way to end an episode. Did you guys have fun tonight? This was so good. You know, there's only one way to end an episode like this. And it is with the reigning defending Hall of Famer, the record holder for all time appearances and interviews. A man who some people say is the Richard Pryor's favorite comedian.

Starting point is 01:58:04 Some people say that when Richard Pryor's favorite comedian. Some people say that when this man sleeps at night, God, yes, go ahead. He dreams about Dane Cook bits. That's right. Some people say that when he wakes up in the morning, Chuck Norris is afraid of him. He's the only guy who wipes his butt after he pees.

Starting point is 01:58:27 A man so hot that he cooks steak on his own thigh. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery! ["Wipe My Butt After I Pee"] And that is true, I do wipe my butt after I pee. In case anybody... Anytime I hear someone say,

Starting point is 01:59:05 I didn't save my dog, my dog saved me, I'm like, you stole Lassie? Wait, were you drowning or...? The children's show Sesame Street is celebrating Pride Month, and I'm gonna be honest, I had no idea. Puppets had anuses. How about those people that say, I'd like to order an iced coffee,

Starting point is 01:59:30 hold the ice. I want to go up and say, I'd like a blow job, but hold the blow. And they go, wait, what? And then I'm like, I'm sorry, can I fill out an application? And on the eighth day, God created Apex Twin, and Apex Twin said, no, we just need seven.

Starting point is 01:59:52 And God was like, oh my God, he's such a genius. Okay, that's my time, Tony. Thank you. William Montgomery has done it again. Unbelievable. A long awaited Apex Twin reference. It's been a while. Been forever.

Starting point is 02:00:11 I started listening to Apex Twin again, Tony. Yeah, you love it. What do you do when you listen to Apex Twin? Have you been rowing? Fuck, yeah, well, I'm at 980,000 meters. So on Wednesday, I'm gonna hit a million meters, Tony, on the row machine. I got to get my A1C down. I'm pre-diabetic. So that's why I'm doing a million meters

Starting point is 02:00:30 on the row machine. Wow. -"William, this is the first time I've ever seen long short shorts." -"It's the first time what?" -"Shut up, man." -"I really didn't hear you." -"The short..." All right." -"Oh, the short shorts?" -"William, what's your love life like? Wait, no, William's on every week. Shut up, man. I really didn't hear you. The shorts. Oh, the short shorts? William, what's your love life like?

Starting point is 02:00:46 Wait, no. William's on every week. Me? We know his love life. That's right. Uh... Uh... Uh... But yeah, Tony, I started and finished a puzzle. I started it Friday, finished it on Sunday.

Starting point is 02:01:04 What was the puzzle about? it's a puzzle about. It was a hard one. We are talking, it was the table of a diner. It was a cheeseburger on there. It was two different types of pickles on there. It was a apple pie. Keep describing, keep describing the things that were on the puzzle.

Starting point is 02:01:20 There was a what? A cheeseburger? Yeah, there was the cheeseburger. I mean, we're also talking apple pie. Ooh. Couple straws of different colors. Those were kind of hard. Sorry, Tony, I just can't get into it tonight.

Starting point is 02:01:37 You can't describe the things that were in the puzzle? I'm trying, but then it's like they were doing... I don't know. What's going on, Willie? Willie? I don't really want to get into it right now. No, come on, Willie. Willie. Just friends here.

Starting point is 02:01:53 Well, I'm going to the doctor tomorrow, Tony. I haven't told anybody this, but I've been out on the road. I've been having a great time out on the road, but I've actually turned into a bug chaser. And that's somebody that has unprotected sex with people with like HIV and stuff, and I'm getting my STD results tomorrow. Wow.

Starting point is 02:02:16 So seriously, I'm a little worried about it, and I have fucking high blood pressure, high A1C. I could have HIV. What else? What else might you have? Fuck, I mean, they're thinking maybe a little gonorrhea. I know I got herpes, Tony. So did it all once. Oh my goodness.

Starting point is 02:02:41 What else? Have you heard of RSD? RSD? RSD? Regenerative Sucking Dick? Yeah. That was the last guy. Wow. When I, when you said you were a

Starting point is 02:03:02 bug chaser, I thought maybe you were chasing bugs. No, it's a, uh. If you were gonna chase bugs, what kind of bugs would you chase? What's your favorite bug? What are your favorite bugs? Oh my gosh, I love little cicadas.

Starting point is 02:03:16 They make really fun noises in the summertime. Just cicadas, Tony. That's all I can think about right now. I can only think. I'm sorry. No, what else? Hold on. What other bugs do I like? Yeah. Beetles?

Starting point is 02:03:30 Ooh. Um. Red band! Stop. Ladybugs? Some guy just yelled, "'Ladybugs.'" Yeah, ladybugs. What about... What about ladyboys?

Starting point is 02:03:48 What's your love life like? We're doing it, Red Band. Are you excited that there's two of me up here, William? You've done this show more than anybody else. Yes, I've never seen it. I love it, Tony. It really is nice. Two beautiful men up here, like y'all. It really has been so nice,

Starting point is 02:04:18 and y'all are laughing at the same time. It has been so funny, and I've loved it. It's cool. Tony and I've loved it. Tony and the Zohan. That's an old reference. I love it. All right. All right.

Starting point is 02:04:35 Anyway. William, anything else crazy going on that we should know about this one? Just heading to Tampa, Florida. So we'll see how Tampa goes. Oh, boy. Tampa. Yep. Huh. Why are you guys cheering for Tampa like that?

Starting point is 02:04:52 What are your favorite cities, William? Oh, my gosh. I mean, I really love Portland! Yeah! Whoa. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Named a liberal dumpster fire first in the middle of Tex- Spokane! Another extremely liberal liberal.

Starting point is 02:05:14 Conservative. They love gay stuff. Oh my God. That cigarette's out. Pfft. It's beyond the filter. I've never seen someone smoke that far into a cigarette. What is wrong with me? Pfft.

Starting point is 02:05:36 William, anything else? Ah. Why don't you name a few more bugs that you love, huh? A, uh... Oh, someone... Yep. Why did that bitch say Jacksonville? He said bugs. He's like, what kind of bugs? I'm trying to think of bugs, bitch.

Starting point is 02:05:55 I don't need to fucking... It's sure as shit not Jacksonville, you stupid bitch, for the fucking places I like. Seriously, what the fuck is that, you stupid bitch? I'm already obviously having a really hard time up here tonight. You stupid bitch for the fucking places I like. Seriously, what the fuck is that, you stupid bitch? I'm already obviously having a really hard time up here tonight, seriously. I gotta go to the fucking doctor tomorrow, you stupid bitch.

Starting point is 02:06:12 I'm almost at a million fucking meters on the row machine. I'm sure your stupid ass couldn't touch that, you stupid bitch. You're probably horribly out of shape. I've been doing it every day, you bitch! I'm William Montgomery. Done it again, ladies and gentlemen. This episode brought to you by Incognito and Tacovas. Ladies and g...

Starting point is 02:06:33 Mark Norman, tell us your, uh, what's, what's shake? In the pods, you're on tour. What's the website for tickets? Hey, marknormancommedy.com. Get some tickets out on the road. Praise Allah. Queef it up. Comedy. Get some tapes out of the road. Praise Allah, queef it up, comedy.

Starting point is 02:06:49 The great Ari Shafir, where are you at? Mark Normans filming a special November in Boulder, Colorado. Everyone come see that. Wow, plugging Mark Normans special taping six months out. Yeah. Any, are you up to anything? I've got a new podcast called You Be Trippin'. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 02:07:08 Got over 20 listeners. Ari Shaffir and Mark Norman, we always love it. The Protect Our Parks boys are in town. Go see them on the road. We love them. We love them. And we love us. We love us.

Starting point is 02:07:24 I love me. Come see me on the road. We love them. And we love us. We love us. I love me. Come see me on the road. Yes, indeed. Believe it or not, everybody, you're not going to believe this, but this actually isn't me. It's Adam Ray, everyone. Kil Tony Hall of Famer, guest of the year, multi-character legend, and now I must admit, this is indeed my new favorite character. Joe Biden, Dr. Phil,

Starting point is 02:07:53 I mean fucking Jeremy, Elaine, Adam Ray, and all the greats. And now Tony Hinchcliffe has joined the fray. Adam Ray, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. I must say, while we've always had a guest of the year, I'd like to announce that this year we will have the first ever host of the year award here on this show.

Starting point is 02:08:26 And there are only two nominees and they're both me everybody. It's me and me. Red band. Love you guys. We love you. We did it again. You guys were here for another episode of what used to be the number one live podcast in the world. It is now the number one comedy show in the world. This is Tilted. Thank you. I'm gonna be a good boy The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets.

Starting point is 02:09:58 Then we talk about Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday at the Sunset Strip. One more time for Red Band. Kill Tony merch. What's the website again, Red Band? Ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:10:16 Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 02:10:24 Unbelievable. We're really doing it, Red Band. Kiltoneymerch.com for all your Kiltoney merch. Kill merch. Fuck, fuck, Red Band. Oh, my God. Of course, follow the Kiltoney Band all through Austin. They're playing throughout the week. One. God. Of course, follow the Kill Tony band all through Austin. They're playing throughout the week one more time

Starting point is 02:10:50 for the best goddamn band in the fucking land. And now we've done all our, uh, don't leak anything. That's right. Everything, everything you see tonight has never been done before. Don't leak anything, don't say who was on the show, don't say why my vest looks bigger, don't say anything about the show. Are you ready to start the fucking show tonight or what? you

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KILL TONY - #726 - ARI SHAFFIR + MARK NORMAND

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