KILL TONY - #727 - JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For a brand new episode of Kill Tony, get up for Tony Hitchcock! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives?

Starting point is 00:01:07 Yippee! Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And that is the best damn band in all the land, everybody. How about one more time for them? There you go. That is Fernando Castillo, Raul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael Gonzalez

Starting point is 00:01:39 on the drums, that's Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and this is indeed the one and only Dee Madness, live in the flesh. We are here, we are live, the number one live comedy podcast in the world, and we're very excited. We have an amazing episode for you. Before we get started, here's a little bit more

Starting point is 00:02:03 from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hey, y'all, this podcast is sponsored by Bluechew. Guys, enter the room dick first. Bluechew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Discover your options at bluechew.com. We got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Bluechew free.

Starting point is 00:02:32 Just use promo code TONY at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping, that's it. Join Bluechew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time and one bust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info and big thanks to Bluetooth for sponsoring your podcast. Hey, so what did you want to talk about? Well, I want to tell you about Wigovie.

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Starting point is 00:03:46 Yeah. Every single week, I have two of the funniest comedians in the world on this show. This is a special one because not only are these two of the greats, not only are these two guys up for guest of the year right now, but it's also two of the younger bucks that fucking just moved here from the East Coast.

Starting point is 00:04:06 Ladies and gentlemen, two of the greats. Make some noise for the great Joe DeRosa and Tim Butterly. Yes. Oh yeah. Haions of people saw it. Millions of people saw you trip. You tripped. You could have done anything and you tripped the second you came out, you son of a bitch. The internet's laughing at you right now.

Starting point is 00:04:40 That was never there before. Why did you add that stage? That is true. There is a little lift there that wasn't there before. Why did you add that stage? That is true. There is a little lift there that wasn't there before. Why is there a lift now? Well, we have a brand new custom table and it comes all in one giant. This whole thing's a part of it.

Starting point is 00:04:53 It's a chunk. Well, you're all zipped up for 98 degree weather. Oh, my friend, I got news for you. Look at that. 70 degrees flat, 54% humidity, 70.7. Cause I knew you were gonna talk shit about this light windbreaker being fucking zipped up. Light windbreaker?

Starting point is 00:05:11 Why do you have it zipped above your Adam's apple right now? I like it like that. I like it like that. That's how I like it. I protect my neck. I don't know, so that people don't see these little rolls that you have there. Those are, I did those on purpose.

Starting point is 00:05:25 Hey, whose neck am I? Joe DeRosa's neck. Make some noise for the great Tim Butterly is here, everybody. The newest resident of Austin, Texas, fresh this week. Do you guys see how smoothly I walked out here? Yes, not a single trip trip no rolls in his neck looking beautiful making it look easy that's right. Tim Butterly has the Tim Butterly show on YouTube and metal girl solid he's on social media at Tim Butterly.

Starting point is 00:05:56 Jodorosa has a brand new special July 21st at Jodorosa comedy on YouTube you guys have both been guests on the show you know how it it works. For those of you that might not know, perhaps you're an innocent girlfriend dragged here tonight by your podcast-loving boyfriend, and you just hear us in the background, and you don't know what he's laughing at every Monday at 8 p.m. Well, over 200 human beings signed up for the chance to be on this show.

Starting point is 00:06:21 They are stacked all together next door at a dingy bar, hoping that we pull their name out. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which interrupts their set.

Starting point is 00:06:40 And then I conduct an interview. We find out more about them, what they could be talking about, what is interesting about their lives, the entire thing is improvised, anything can happen. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? It's pretty, I'm gonna tell you, you're a pretty like polite audience,

Starting point is 00:06:59 the show's a little more rock and roll than that. Are you guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? There you go, that's what we expect throughout the episode. So if you guys need to order a shot of tequila or something, fucking do it now. Let loose. You're in the middle of Texas at the number one comedy show in the world.

Starting point is 00:07:16 And we shall start it with a golden ticket winner, everybody. We're gonna get that other bucket pool wrangled from next door. And while we do, we have a man standing right behind that curtain. He won a golden ticket in Portland, Oregon, I do believe, about five, six, seven years ago, and he's here with a brand-new minute,

Starting point is 00:07:34 starting tonight's show with a minute of comedy. This is Todd Royce. -♪ Mm. What's going on, Austin? -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah All of my friends were being taught the birds and the bees, but Dale looked at me and was like, Todd's gonna have to learn how to take care of himself. So he called me into his room and showed me how to jerk off. On a banana, with a banana. His banana, his dick. He jerked off in front of me.

Starting point is 00:08:22 And here's the weird part. This is what has always stuck out in my memory, is that he wasn't even erect at all, which hurt, you know? Like, well, look, I just feel like if you're gonna sexually assault a child, you should be on your A game, you know? Fluff it up a little bit, smack it around, or whatever you got to do.

Starting point is 00:08:39 Plus, who can't get hard with these tits? And I was young. They were perky, you know what I mean? Like, thank you. One more, one more. When he finished, well, he didn't finish. He wasn't like, watch, this is the best part. But when he was done, he told me, whatever you do, please don't tell your mom about this.

Starting point is 00:09:02 And I immediately told my mom about this. And, well, look, I'm sorry. I know snitches get stitches, but if you show me your cock, I'm gonna talk. Thank you. Okay. Okay, Tom Royce. Welcome, welcome. Is that true?

Starting point is 00:09:19 Did you get molested? That's true, yeah. Wow. Yeah. That is incredible. This is starting to make more sense now. Yeah. Who? Were you molested by the Burger King or something? Who was this exactly?

Starting point is 00:09:30 What makes you want to eat obsessively after being molested? I get hard every time I see a clown with some cheeseburgers, so... Jesus, Red Band. Again. Again. Look at Red Band right now. Look at Red Band representing Palm Springs.

Starting point is 00:09:45 Look at this. And then you're making fun of me. That's... Do you realize how fucked up that is? Red Band didn't say anything. No, he... It was the oinks. Oh, oh, I see. You're right. You did make fun of him, you piece of shit. You're twice the weight as me.

Starting point is 00:09:57 What the fuck are you talking about? Twice the weight as a Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get back to this molestation thing which you tried to fucking segue into Red Band's fat chow. Twice the weight as a red band, ladies and gentlemen. Let's get back to this molestation thing which you tried to fucking segue into red band's fat jokes, which doesn't really work. That's like me calling Joe DeRosa gay. Like I'm gayer than Joe DeRosa.

Starting point is 00:10:16 That is true. So you calling red band fat really doesn't work at all. Even though when you're not here, he is morbidly obese. Right. But you, my friend, I mean, you have hours to live. So I want to get this interview. I want to get to it here. This is absolutely incredible, Todd.

Starting point is 00:10:32 By the way, real quick, do you know- Oh, wow, okay. You go right the fuck ahead, Todd. Do whatever the fuck you want. Welcome to Kill Todd, everybody. Brought to you by Carbohydrates. Jesus fucking Christ. Good Lord. Sorry, you're right. Go ahead.

Starting point is 00:10:48 You're goddamn right. Son of a fucking bitch. I want to talk about you getting molested. Okay. The world wants to know. So take us through it. Who was it exactly? It was my third stepdad.

Starting point is 00:11:02 Your third stepdad. Wow. I know steps are rough for you, but stepdads, that's incredible. Holy shit. I've had more dads than I've had girlfriends. Okay, let's just stick with the interview, Todd. This whole fucking riffing thing in between everything.

Starting point is 00:11:18 It really isn't cutting it for me. So let's talk for a second, because I need to gather information about this. It's your third stepdad. Yes. So what's wrong with your mom? How many... What is going on there? How many stepdads have you had? Five.

Starting point is 00:11:32 Jesus Christ. She marries all these guys? Well, yeah, that's how they became my stepdad. Yeah, but that's crazy. Does she know you don't have to marry every fucking guy that throws it in her fucking dilapidated... There was a couple in between. ...dilapidated, I want you to hear,

Starting point is 00:11:46 delapidated vagina. I need to make sure you hear me talking about your mother's vagina very clearly. Fucking, fucking! That makes no sense there whatsoever. I'm just being fucking bombarded from every angle, from fat guys. All right.

Starting point is 00:12:04 So, your third stepdad, and what exactly does he do to you? Did he really use a banana? No, no, no, no. That was the... He actually showed me with his dick. He pulled his pants down and showed me how to masturbate. Uh-huh. And he was just doing it to himself. He was, yeah. And then...

Starting point is 00:12:20 But then he did, you know, when you show someone how to do something, you want to make sure they learn, so he had me show him that I learned. You do it, so you did it. Yeah, yeah. How old were you? 13. Wow. That was the first time you masturbated? That was the first time I masturbated.

Starting point is 00:12:34 Pretty late. 13's kind of late, right? Yeah, it was like 12, 11, yeah. Well, I'd been humping the floor for a while. Ah, to see? That's not what it starts. I think that's actually why he wanted to show me... Wait, did somebody drop some chips down there? Yeah, exactly. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha with your dick touching the floor. Your dick's elevated if you lay down on your belly nowadays, isn't it? A little bit, a little bit.

Starting point is 00:13:06 A little bit, a little bit. That's why I was glad when he wanted me to show him. At least someone could look at it, so... So incredible. So did you masturbate to completion in front of your third stepdad? I did not, no. Wow. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:13:17 Did you get hard? No, no. Believe it or not. So you failed? I did, yeah. I am not good at masturbating. And you're not good at getting molested. What a buzzkill this is.

Starting point is 00:13:28 Yeah, no, I know. You're supposed to fucking like, come. Am I right, people? All right. So anyway, uh... Was it at all like, uh, like learning how to drive where he's like, you're doing it wrong? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:13:41 Well, yeah, it was a lot like, you know, you have to like work the shift and everything like that. Feather it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, no, it was, there was a couple times where he was giving me instructions. He was like, no, not like this, like this, and just, you know. This feels very awkward. This feels like a really weird meeting.

Starting point is 00:13:56 This is a... Welcome to Kill Tony. This is the interview portion of the show, where sometimes we talk about things that you don't get to control, Todd. It's true. This is like, I feel like your sixth stepdad right now teaching you how to go through an interview process.

Starting point is 00:14:12 And you are soft, that is for sure. It's true, yeah. Todd, I will say, I thought your material was excellent. Oh, thank you. I actually thought, I think you, because it actually did happen, I think you have to figure out a way to make the audience realize like,

Starting point is 00:14:26 no, you're telling the truth at that point. Because when you switched into the real, like I thought you were just going for shock value. I was like, oh, none of this part actually happened. The first thing did. But the whole thing was fucking great. I think you just have to figure out how to push that second part into the audience,

Starting point is 00:14:40 believing like, oh no, he's really like, this is for real, he's opening up about this, but making it funny. Okay, thank you. I appreciate that. Yeah. I will say, the profuse sweating is getting you halfway there. Yeah. Yeah. It's believable with the sweating.

Starting point is 00:14:52 You are a moist, moist little pudding ball. I'm getting wet, yeah. But you're happily married now, right, Todd? I am married. I've been married for 18 years. Wow. 18 years. Wow. And what does your wife do for a living? She is a...

Starting point is 00:15:09 I'd imagine she professionally is a air fryer. Is this an air fryer you got married to? I love that you think he would use an air fryer. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. No, she must be a professional, what, a microwave repair woman? What exactly does she do for a living? A grocery store cart pusher? She must be a fantastic chef, right?

Starting point is 00:15:42 Does she cook for you? She does, yeah. Yeah, what does she make? What are some of the... What did you have yesterday for dinner? What did Does she cook for you? She does, yeah. Yeah, what does she make? What are some of the... What did you have yesterday for dinner? What did I have yesterday for dinner? We had... Well, I was flying out here.

Starting point is 00:15:52 We had Eggo waffles. Oh, perfect. So I'm not saying... Perfect. I'm sure your doctor would be proud, I'm sure. Your doctor's saying you're not getting enough Eggo waffles for dinner on a Sunday evening. My favorite part of that was watching him mentally scroll through, which dinner yesterday?

Starting point is 00:16:12 And landing, with all the pressure, millions of people inevitably watching this, you landed on Eggo waffles being the answer. I was trying to impress you, it was actually store brand waffles, it wasn't even AGO. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 00:16:29 Wow. Have you had any pedo thoughts or, like, gage things in your head since being molested in a... Great question, Red Band, with a great quest. Always the best questions. Have you had any pedo thoughts? Fucking...

Starting point is 00:16:44 He's definitely had pedo thoughts. I've had cheeto thoughts, but no pedo thoughts. Wow. So incredible. What ended up happening to this third stepdad? Have you ever checked in with him? Yeah, he died. He died a few years ago, yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:00 Yeah. Died from... Obviously died from disappointment from you not getting that sweet little hard cock. I have a real question. Did anything from the lesson stick with you? Just the memory. Just the... Just the...

Starting point is 00:17:18 I do remember he wasn't erect at all. He was just flapping in the wind. I was hard as a rock, but he didn't. Maybe he's just a, maybe he was trying to be cool. Maybe. Have you ever thought about going around and helping a 12 year old boy? Well, getting back to, I have, yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:37 Sounds like a nightmare. Sounds like someone's biggest fear. All right. Kirby, get away from me. Okay, Red Band. Todd, very fun times. You did it again. So many great appearances on this show.

Starting point is 00:17:53 Thanks, man. Thanks, though. Thank you, guys. Ladies and gentlemen, getting it started, Todd Royce. And now we move to the bucket, where anything can happen. A lot of these people we meet for the first time. This young man we actually know. He works here at the Comedy Mothership. where anything can happen. A lot of these people we meet for the first time, this young man we actually know. He works here at the Comedy Mothership.

Starting point is 00:18:08 They all sign up every week. Every once in a while we pull one of them out. This guy's one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Let's see a brand new minute from Jay Legend, everybody. Jay Legend. ["Jay Legend"] ["Jay Legend"]

Starting point is 00:18:20 ["Jay Legend"] ["Jay Legend"] ["Jay Legend"] Hell yeah. I just had a daughter 10 months ago, which is a dope experience. She's so precious and small. I'm looking at life through a different lens now. I got to protect her.

Starting point is 00:18:33 You know, like I just rewatched the movie Taken for the first time as a girl dad. It's crazy because I'm looking at Liam Neeson in this movie like, I want to be like this dad, right? His daughter was kidnapped in Europe. He was given a 36 hourhour window to save her life, and in 36 hours, he flew to Europe, killed 40 dudes, and brought his daughter the fuck home. And I'm like, that's how you operate.

Starting point is 00:18:54 If your daughter kidnapped, you get your ass up, and you go get her. I can't do it, but you should try if you got the ability, right? There's too many things that'll stop me from being that dad. The first thing that'll stop me was he bought a flight to Europe the same day. The same day, my nigga, to Europe?

Starting point is 00:19:11 All the way. No layover? That's crazy, right? Plus, I don't have a passport. Okay, so now, now I'm four weeks behind the 36-hour deadline, trying to set up a payment arrangement with the killer to see if I could cash out him $200

Starting point is 00:19:24 to put my daughter at the back of the line. It don't work like that. It'll be a different movie if I was in it. It'll be called Gone forever. You're not gonna... Hey, y'all, that's my time. I'm Jay Legend. Wow. Exactly one minute. Stunning performance by Jay Legend.

Starting point is 00:19:44 Hell yeah. hell yeah. Amazing. What's up, Tony? Hell yeah. Everything about that joke feels real. It feels like you would do that. Hell yeah. Absolutely. Welcome, welcome.

Starting point is 00:19:56 So Jay, remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up? Six years. Where you from? I'm from Chicago. Originally started comedy in Florida. Okay. Started in Florida. Okay. Started in Florida. You've seen The Bean in Chicago? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:09 Touched it, flicked it, peed on it, drunk once. Wow. Incredible. You people really do some crazy things. So Jay, how's life now? How long have you lived in Austin? So I'm going on like a year and a half I've been here. It's great.

Starting point is 00:20:27 The whole first year I moved out here without my kids. They were back home in Florida. How many kids do you have? Two, son and a daughter. And came out here. They live in Florida? No, they moved here. They live with me now.

Starting point is 00:20:38 So yeah, I finally got to move them out here, and it's been dope. Perfect. Are you still with the baby mama? No. No. So you have your kids just to yourself? No, she here too.

Starting point is 00:20:46 Okay, she's here too. So you guys... Co-parent. Right, co-parent. And what does she do? Does she paint nails or something? No, I just pay all the bills. She works at the DMV? I pay everything and she just watches the kids. She just watches the kids?

Starting point is 00:20:59 Yeah. All right, easy living. Red band's freaking out over here. So she just watches the kids and you're able to support yourself, her, and the kids. Yeah, yeah. With a comedian, the budget of a comedian. Hell, yeah. How do you do it? Explain to these people how you pull it off, J-Legend.

Starting point is 00:21:16 Who are you stealing money from? Uh, nobody, man. I just, uh, not that work. I work here as a door guy. I get whatever work I get from here. I'm on the road with David Lucas. I feature with him sometimes, so that pays a lot of money. I'm out on the road. You and David Lucas on the trying-to-support-our-children

Starting point is 00:21:34 tour. That's what it's called. You know, it's next year. I want to start. Yep. It's fucking incredible. What am I doing wrong with my money? I'm single. I have nothing. And every month, I'm terrified of being single. It's fucking incredible. What am I doing wrong with my money?

Starting point is 00:21:45 I'm single. I have nothing. And every month, I'm terrified of being broke. And then I'll meet a waitress who's like, I have six kids. I'm like, I don't understand how it's possible. Well, they're not tripping when they walk out. Uh, big shows. How many video games am I buying?

Starting point is 00:22:01 Yeah. Yeah. It's trouble. That's incredible, man. Uh, yeah. Yeah. It's hard. That's incredible, man. Yeah. It's hard. It's hard. I can't do what I want at all, but you know, fuck it. I nutted in her, so these are the consequences. These are the consequences of nutting in a woman.

Starting point is 00:22:18 Tim Butterly. There's probably some money in making a black version of Taken and calling it Took. Yeah. Yeah. You guys have a good night. Yeah. It's a movie about you and wallets.

Starting point is 00:22:36 I thought it was like a slavery thing, but cool. Oh, well, it really plays both ways. Took already happened. That guy, Todd, he's got a movie coming out. It's called Bacon. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Starting point is 00:22:51 Ha ha ha ha! Oh, shit. So, Jay, tell us, what's something crazy that you do for fun when you're getting away from the kids and the baby mama and everything? What's something, other than stand-up comedy, what do you do for a little release? You have any hobbies?

Starting point is 00:23:06 I don't know, one time I got, I did some mushrooms and I wrote a song. That was fun. Wow. You wrote the lyrics to a song? Hell yeah, bro. Okay, so I was going through the first breakup with my baby mama.

Starting point is 00:23:18 We were moving out of the apartment and she just took the kids and moved in with her mom and left me in the house. And I was did mushrooms after I opened mic and I came home and with her mom and left me in the house. And I was dead mushrooms out after I opened mic and I came home and I couldn't sleep at like two in the morning. And so I wrote a song. That was fun.

Starting point is 00:23:30 How does the song go? Do you remember it? Yeah. Come on, tell us. How many of you want to hear Jay's song? Jay Legend making his musical debut here live at the mothership in front of millions of people. That's crazy. And here we go.

Starting point is 00:23:47 So she left me. I was single at the time. I was hurt. So these are the lyrics. The song is called Bags and Boxes. It's called Bags and Boxes? Yeah, because that's all she left me with. Oh, she packed bags and boxes.

Starting point is 00:23:59 All right, cool. All right, here we go. Oh, OK, Bags and Boxes coming up. Not going to be good. You left me alone and afraid. And you left me here to deal with this pain. And you left me with a pictureless frame. And all I have to my name are the bags and boxes you left me.

Starting point is 00:24:30 Did I do this alone and you left me? And what I thought was my home and you left me. And everything is all gone and all I have to my name. I love it. It's better than a modern day Will Smith, that's for sure. Bags and boxes. So I was broke as fuck. I didn't have nothing but bags and boxes and some mushrooms.

Starting point is 00:24:59 So I love it. Those are some good mushrooms. Fuckin' write a song when you hurt. Those are great mushrooms because that song fucking sucks, dude. Ha ha ha. Take it back, man. Honestly, that's what he be want to read. You left me.

Starting point is 00:25:14 Tony, don't make fun of my hurt, man. Ha ha ha. Aw, that's adorable. Um, Jay, great stuff, fun times, Red Dan. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Hell yeah, I'll be there. Appreciate you, dawg. You already have a big joke book, right? Yep, Jay Legend.

Starting point is 00:25:31 And back to the bucket we go, everybody. Guys, enter the room dick first. Bluechew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And here is my senior sex correspondent, Eric Bam. Tony, I'm a big throbbing fan of Bluechew.

Starting point is 00:26:04 This ain't a supplement, it's an erection resurrection. Wow, and it's looking juicy down there, Red Band. Guys, this isn't just about performance, this is about legacy or third legacy. Give her group chat something to talk about. You know, when you lay it down, they're talking about how it gets up. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Bluechew. Discover your options at bluechew.com and we got a special deal for our listeners.

Starting point is 00:26:29 As always, get your first month of Bluechew free. Just use promo code TONY at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping, that's it. Join Bluechew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time and one bust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info and big thanks to Bluetooth for sponsoring your podcast. What if the truth about our reality has been hidden in plain sight? What if aliens,

Starting point is 00:26:55 consciousness, and ancient spiritual wisdom are all connected? I'm Rob and this is Unveiled, a podcast that dives headfirst into the biggest mysteries of our time. Each episode, I sit down with thought leaders, insiders, experiencers, and visionaries to explore the unknown. From the UAP phenomenon and government cover-ups, to alien abductions, remote viewing, and the metaphysics of consciousness. This is not your average UFO podcast.

Starting point is 00:27:21 Unveiled is about peeling back the layers of reality, of belief, of ourselves. So if you're ready to challenge the mainstream narrative, expand your mind, and discover what lies beyond the veil, hit follow and join me on this journey into the unknown. This looks like a... Oh my god! We know what that sound means. It is indeed the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. My goodness. Wow. With bags and boxes, you left me.

Starting point is 00:27:55 It's actually kind of catchy. He sucks at singing, but if like a real singer sang that, that'd be great. You left me. All right. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next bucket poll. We're gonna meet them all together.

Starting point is 00:28:11 It is Ram B. Ram B. -♪ Hello, hello, hello. So I was recently in Wisconsin. Anybody from Wisconsin in the house? All right. Normally there is, which, hello. So I was recently in Wisconsin. Anybody from Wisconsin in the house? All right. Normally there is, which is crazy. So I played a new game called do hard drugs

Starting point is 00:28:32 and see who turns to Jesus first. Yeah, I hadn't played this game yet. I was at the bar. One girl that was like 40, I'm 47. She was another girl that was like 25. We go back to the apartment, we hanging out. They doing lines and shit, talking about, oh yeah, you should see my white veil

Starting point is 00:28:48 that I go to church in. Oh my God, you go to St. Bernard's? I go to St., oh my God, Augustine, we should go together. And I'm like, you know what? I think Rambi just won the drink game of see who turns to Jesus first. Because I just did a little bit, they was doing rails and went all the way, you know? Yeah, my daughter says she saw Jesus at her bedside once.

Starting point is 00:29:08 And I thought it was a Mexican dude named Jesus and his protective father. I was ready to throw hands. You know, I was ready to go for it. Then I realized I had to ask. Hey, you got to ask Jesus a question. I don't know how you're here, because I definitely pulled out, you know? Thank you. Appreciate it.

Starting point is 00:29:24 All right, Ram B. You know, I'm still thinking about the song you just sang for us a second ago. That's a... Starting to grow on me a little bit. With bags and boxes, you left me. Hey, hey. You got to do this.

Starting point is 00:29:50 Everybody, you got to do this. This show is out of control, ladies and gentlemen. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. It's a different guy, everybody. It's a different guy. That's a new one. I'm going to have to download that one.

Starting point is 00:30:05 Yeah. The funny thing is I do rap and sing, which is hilarious to me, because I wasn't expecting that stand-up back there. I have no idea what you just said. Ram B. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Since 2021, so four years, about.

Starting point is 00:30:20 Since 20 what? 2021, so about four years. Okay, four years. What do you do for work? I used to do a lot of physical jobs, like machining and stuff like that, but now I'm actually doing phone customer service. Phone customer service?

Starting point is 00:30:33 Yeah, yeah. You do that from home or you do that from an office? I just started, so it'll be an office, yeah. Okay, all right, real cool. Okay, and what was the job that you had right before? How long have you been doing that? I'm, like, a weekend. A weekend. Yeah, I just started. I'm in training.

Starting point is 00:30:48 You know what I'm saying? Right. I got it. So what was the job you were doing right before that? I was moving people's apartments. Like, moving, yeah. Oh, shit. Damn, that's... I know you look to me like

Starting point is 00:30:57 you don't look like you can live on a couch. Uh-uh. No, it doesn't. Yeah, I know. No, it was too back-breaking, and I got a bad back, so I said, all right, I'm done with that, you know? Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:31:07 Okay, Ramby, what's your love life like? I am single. Yeah, I had a girl for a while, then moved to Austin to do comedy and she didn't want to come, so. So she's up in Wisconsin? Yeah, and that's no longer a thing. We don't talk, so.

Starting point is 00:31:23 How long has it been since you talked? February? February. You miss her? Honestly, yeah. But not enough to care right now. You know what I mean? I'm on Kill Tony.

Starting point is 00:31:34 I'm not thinking about that. You know what I'm saying? Right? I got bigger fish to fry. You feel me? Bags and boxes. You like me too. With bags and boxes. Bags and boxes, you left me. Give bags and boxes, you left me.

Starting point is 00:31:49 Hell yeah, Rambi's getting into it. All right, all right, all right. Show DeRosa. I'm not gonna be able to sleep because of that fucking song. It's gonna be crazy. I'm gonna be in a padded room six years from now. You left me with bags and boxes. God damn it.

Starting point is 00:32:08 Yes. It is getting catchier by the minute. It turns out if anybody other than Jay Legend singing it makes it a perfect song. Ram, have you ever written a song or done anything other than stand-up comedy over the other talents? Yeah, yeah, I actually rap for about 25 years and sang. Oh, no fucking way.

Starting point is 00:32:32 We got to hear you rap, dude. Oh, it's not going to be funny. It's just going to be... We want to hear... Yeah. Is it an original? You have your own raps? Yeah, original. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, let's get a little beat from Michael. Let's see.

Starting point is 00:32:45 It'll be kind of slash rapping and singing. It'll be more singing. Whatever you want. But just give them the one, two, three, four. It'll be like, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. I call my baby. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:33:03 She didn't pick up. I'm sitting in a forte. I ain't got no pick up. She ripped my heart out. Oh, we got glory. I'm singing the same song as many before me. But I can't move.

Starting point is 00:33:21 You left me. Pushing. With bags and boxes You left me Hey! Bags and boxes Bags and boxes Bring me bags and boxes

Starting point is 00:33:35 Bags and boxes Motherfucking bags and boxes With a little joke bug Rambi Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you. Oh yeah. We're flying through it here tonight. We're having a good old time.

Starting point is 00:33:52 Fun times, Ram. Come back, sign up again sometime. We're gonna keep it moving. We having fun here tonight, huh? Alright. I think you guys all understand what the show is. Anything can happen and it's completely retarded. Ha ha ha.

Starting point is 00:34:08 All right, your next bucket full goes by the name of Darren Jones, everybody. One minute uninterrupted for Darren Jones. Oh, wow. I don't know what's going on. Must be a black bang or some shit. All right, that's cool. I heard they put, um, aborted fetuses in some vaccines. That shit tripped me out when I first heard it. I'm like, damn, man, I'm glad I didn't get that shot.

Starting point is 00:34:55 I had a blended baby in my motherfucking arm, boy. Like, depending on, like, who got the abortion, you're gonna have the essence of a trauma-filled bitch in an unwelcomed way. I had blended baby in my motherfucking arm, boy. Like, depending on, like, who got the abortion, you gonna have the essence of a trauma-filled bitch and an unwedded seed in your motherfucking vein. She would have fucked my circadian rhythm up. Nigga wouldn't have been able to get no motherfucking sleep.

Starting point is 00:35:21 But human beings, they fucking resilient, though. It was this dude who was protesting climate change and he set his cell phone fire. I'm like, damn, it was the people who blocked the road that do that shit. Yeah. Yeah. Fuck yeah, Darren Jones. That's a good one.

Starting point is 00:35:44 I think the first joke kind of like got unheard or something. We were all laughing at the fact that you were like, Fuck yeah, Darren Jones. That's a good one. I think the first joke kind of like got unheard or something. We were all laughing at the fact that you're black. It's a thing. It's a thing. The property values in the bucket are plummeting. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:36:12 Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. Oh, shit. ah, shit. Yeah. Yep. My favorite thing I've ever seen on this show was when the third Black Dude in a Row came out, you reached in the bucket and started feverishly mixing it up

Starting point is 00:36:30 as if that was gonna defect it. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Oh, man. Did you oversea-s in the bucket tonight? Does this bucket say KFC on it somewhere? Joe, what the fuck, man? Shit, I'm sorry. I have a special coming out. I'm sorry. Oh. So, Darren Jones.

Starting point is 00:37:07 Welcome to the show, my friend. How long you been doing stand-up? Uh, about two and a half, because of three, probably. Years. Yes. Okay. Where you from? Dayton, Ohio, man. The best city in the fucking states, bro. Dayton, Ohio. We know it very well.

Starting point is 00:37:22 How long have you been in Austin? Since January last year. Since January last year. Since January of last year. What made you move to Austin? Comedy. You wanted to do comedy. Yes, sir. Hell yeah.

Starting point is 00:37:31 What made you wait so long to start doing open mics after moving in January of last year? I started right away. You mean January of this year, then? No, last year. Oh, I see what you're saying. Yeah, I got up here, it's like September. Yep, got it, got it.

Starting point is 00:37:49 What do you do for a living? I work in a fencing yard. You work in fencing? Yeah, I manage a fencing yard, yeah. A fencing yard, so you're in charge of putting up fences. Yeah, I work the shit out the Mexicans. Okay. Oh, I thought he meant like like, N1 sword-fighting. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:38:08 Could be. Could be. It's amazing. Dude, your comedy is... I thought it was great, man. And I think, like, the fact that you're... You're one of the most natural comics I've ever seen. Like, you figured out the hard part, and the jokes were funny. Like, I feel like you got a...

Starting point is 00:38:22 You got a nice road ahead of you, man. For real. I really appreciate it, man. Yeah. Yeah. I just got to stay more consistent. But if you have a song... Laughter Have you ever written a song, Darren Jones? I wrote a lot of songs.

Starting point is 00:38:36 Wow! What is happening tonight? This is amazing. This is the first time ever where all the bucket fools have been the exact same human being. It's never happened before. Over 700 episodes. Normally, people are different. Sometimes...

Starting point is 00:38:54 Sometimes it's people with different stories and lives, but not tonight. Just slightly different hairstyles from the bucket pools. Perhaps there's a's a wig person. What would we call them? Predator. I don't know. No.

Starting point is 00:39:12 Red man. Unbelievable. Now, the more important question is, do you have a song you can sing that we can then hijack and turn into bags and boxes? My friend, you can turn any song into bags and boxes. My friend, you can turn any song into bags and boxes. It's possible to do with anything. So what is a song that you had? It's an original song that you've written.

Starting point is 00:39:36 Yeah. I got to think of one, though, man. OK, while you think about it, I'm going to ask you some more questions. What's your love life like? Single, man. Single? Yeah. Have you been hooking up with some random girls in Texas?

Starting point is 00:39:48 Yeah, I got a couple of them. So how does that happen? Where do you meet a girl? Where does a guy like Darren Jones meet a girl? I met one at the... I don't remember where I met these hoes. I think I met one actually walking down here somewhere, close to this, um...

Starting point is 00:40:05 On the street. The campus, yeah. So on the street, and what do you say to somebody when you meet them? How you doing? Same shit everybody else say to them. Wow. Do you have any special moves in the bedroom

Starting point is 00:40:17 that you do to these thick white women that you're having sex with? Am I right? Are they thick white women that you're having sex with? Nah, I wish. Yeah, I need some big pussy. Right. Sear with black women? One Mexican, one other one Mexican. Oh, they're both Mexican.

Starting point is 00:40:34 One Mexican, the other one Mexican. Nah. One Mexican, the other one, big suspense, wait for it, Mexican. But one California Mexican, the other one, big suspense, wait for it, Mexican. But one California Mexican, the other one Mexico Mexican. Oh shit, they're both about to be back in Mexico, Mexico. Because we are cracking down, sorry horn players.

Starting point is 00:41:03 Shit is going down. All right. What is it about Mexican women that you like so much? We ain't got a lot of them in Ohio, man. So, shit, it's just... You are correct, Ohio. Yeah, it's like, Benny Haanas, you don't always want the same flavor. You know what I'm saying? You might like vanilla anytime,

Starting point is 00:41:19 but shit, I like to switch it up. You feel me? My friend, I'm not only a fan of what you're saying, but I'm also a fan of Benihana's. I appreciate the, I appreciate the Benihana's explanation there. Even at Benihana's, sometimes steak, sometimes shrimp. I'll catch it in my mouth. Right from the chef's paddle.

Starting point is 00:41:38 Okay, so, just me connecting with my new black friend, Darren Jones. Darren, what do you think is the blackest thing about you? Shit. Probably my mentality, really. Explain what you mean by that. I love that answer. Explain to these white people that drove 45 minutes from their ranches in the country what exactly you mean by black mentality. I know y'all know the word, but y'all don't know it like I do. I'm a nigga to the core, man.

Starting point is 00:42:08 Oh, I love it. Keep going. Keep going, Darren. You're just scratching the surface here. When you say, to the core... ... ... Explain to these innocent whites what you mean. Oh, man. Damn. How can I explain being a nigger?

Starting point is 00:42:29 Oh, this is perhaps the greatest moment in the show's history. I don't know what I'm even... No, no. Don't go to John D. No, John. I'm not letting you take over. I want a pure answer from Darren. And then we'll check in with John D.'s, what he expects the... Eh... ...show to Rosa. This is about to be the best TED Talk I've ever heard.

Starting point is 00:42:49 Yeah. It's a... Okay, go ahead. What do you mean by to the core? It just mean I'm black as fuck, man. I wouldn't want to be any other thing. You know what I'm saying? You think of the stereotypical black man.

Starting point is 00:43:06 I like watermelon, chicken. Oh, hell yes. I love all that shit. You know what I'm saying? You like sleeping in late? I wish I could, but I love it. Yeah, if I could, hell yeah. I'd like to be late every day if I could too, but shit.

Starting point is 00:43:20 I guess I ain't that fucking black, because I'm on time, man. So we're finding out. We're finding out you're not quite as black as you thought you were. Hey, man, don't be so horrible to yourself. What's your credit score? Yeah, what do we got for a credit score?

Starting point is 00:43:33 Like 720. Wow. Oh, the crowd goes wild. 720, ladies and gentlemen. Better than Joe DeRosa's, he's got no kids. Absolutely. I mean, I'm... But I do own a Colecovision. Sorry, I forgot it.

Starting point is 00:43:53 That's a matter. All right, so Darren, have you thought about the original song? Yeah. You just give us a line or two from it? I wrote this when I was like... I say about 21. I'm 37 now, so this is a 16-year-old song. Wow, Red Band's immediately attracted to it. It's a 16-year-old song.

Starting point is 00:44:14 It's right in your hand. I like Asian girls. It's true. It's true. Y'all want the hook? Let's do it. Okay. It's about selling dope, so. Oh, I love it.

Starting point is 00:44:26 I love selling dope. Let's go. It was, if you need a quick fix, you know where to get it. You know I supply it with that shit up in my kitchen. The shit up in my kitchen is that shit that I be whipping. Equations to how I weighs it. I doubles my coefficient. If you know math, then you probably how I weighs it. I doubles my coefficient.

Starting point is 00:44:45 If you know math, then you probably get it. The bad, the blow, never subtract money. I always addition. Emerald the chef in the kitchen with this yay that I'm whipping. I'm a mathematician with this coat that I'm flipping. Hell yeah. Absolutely.

Starting point is 00:45:01 He's rapping about crack and crack rocks. Let's bring it back to bags and boxes. Alright, fantastic. Fun times. Darren, here's a little joke book. Fun times. Sign up again. Come back. Do it again. Do it again. Do it again. Uh, bags and boxes.

Starting point is 00:45:32 She left me. Hello, there, our dear friends. This podcast is sponsored by Shopify. You know, when we were young, we used to dream of being anything, an astronaut, the president, a princess. But as you get older, your dreams change, focusing less on running the world and more

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Starting point is 00:48:36 Nicotine is an addictive chemical. With bags and box, she left. All right, This doesn't... This appears as though the name will set us apart and break the streak. It's almost disappointing at this point. But let's see what happens here. Make some noise for the Kill Tony debut

Starting point is 00:48:57 of Johnny Morney, everybody. Johnny Morney. All right. applause Hi, I'm Johnny Machney. I'm a teacher during the day. That's my day job. I teach high school seniors. They're eight years younger than me. It's weird being so close in age to your kids,

Starting point is 00:49:18 because they know your weaknesses, you know? Like, I had a kid show up 10 minutes late for class, and before I could say anything, he was like, Mockney, mark me tardy if you're gay. I was like, fuck! Uh... Mm! I was like, you win this one, kiddo. And they get involved in your personal life, too.

Starting point is 00:49:35 Like, a bunch of my kids found out that I had this breakup because the picture of my girlfriend disappeared from my desk. So they're all like, Mockney, what happened to your girlfriend? Don't worry, Mockney, we'll find you a new girl. We'll hook you up with someone. I was like, guys, guys, what happened to your girlfriend? Don't worry, Mockney, we'll find you a new girl. We'll hook you up with someone. I was like, guys, guys, that's what parent-teacher conferences are for. I'm...

Starting point is 00:49:50 I'm gonna fuck all your moms. I've... I've been clocking this class since day one. I know who doesn't have a dad. I'm aware. I... I know who doesn't have a dad, and I know who has two cool moms, so... That's my time. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:50:09 Whoo! Johnny Mockney. I see. Those are ours. Your Cs look like ours the way you write them. You do that on purpose? No, no, no. Has anyone told you that your Cs look like ours?

Starting point is 00:50:24 No, you're the first, but this is a huge credit for it, so I'll... It's a big deal. Yeah. Thank you. Okay, Johnny. What do you teach exactly? I teach AP Lit. AP Lit. At a high school? High school, yeah. Wow. And you are, you're a young guy for that job, right? Yeah. And that's here in Austin? Sorry, no, no, that's back in Michigan. Oh, you work in Michigan?

Starting point is 00:50:46 Yeah. OK. So they have young people teaching young people there? Yeah. OK. There's a shortage. Where exactly in Michigan? I, Lansing area.

Starting point is 00:50:55 OK. And that's where you're from? That's where you've lived your whole life, obviously? I moved around a lot as a kid, but that's where I settled. Yeah. OK. Sorry. No, it's OK.

Starting point is 00:51:05 A fly just hit me in the head really hard. So hard that it actually blew my head back. I've been assaulted by a fly. It won that round. But I will get it by the end of the day. So Johnny, how long have you been on stand-up? About eight years. Eight years.

Starting point is 00:51:21 OK. And what do you do for fun, Johnny? Tell us about your life. You seem like the kind of guy that likes to fucking let it rip. Definitely never written a song before. Never written a song. Right, exactly.

Starting point is 00:51:33 No. Gosh. I mean, I do stand up. Go to the movies. I go to the movies alone sometimes. I think it's better alone. Fun sneaks up on me, Tony. I don't know. I can't... I wish I knew.

Starting point is 00:51:51 Uh... It's a weird thing to say. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Fun sneaks up on you. Uh... What the fuck does that mean? What do you... What exactly do you mean by that? I'm trying to say, like, I don't know what my hobbies are on paper.

Starting point is 00:52:09 I think they just, uh... I'm not... I'm... What ethnicity are you? You appear to have some kind of Asian-esque eyes. Yeah, yeah. I'm half Thai. Half Thai? And the other half is? Uh, Polak. Polish Polak. Yeah. Ah. Okay. There's one class. A tie pole. Yes.

Starting point is 00:52:26 You're a tie pole. Yeah. The rare tie pole. Yeah. Do you ever feel extra tie? Are there times where you feel like you're tie? No. Well, I think the Asian and Polish cancel each other out, so I'm like, I'm like okay

Starting point is 00:52:43 at math, you know? Like it's... That's true. I could see why that would work, yeah. How are you at driving? Decent at driving. Decent. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:52:54 Totaled my car only once, so. Right, yeah. That's about 50%. Thanks, yeah. 50% Thai. Most Thai people total their car twice when they're your age. Yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 00:53:05 Okay, yeah. Okay, Johnny. I thought I really enjoyed your material quite a bit. Thank you. But my question, this is a real question. You can come on a show like this and say wild shit like that and you don't have to worry about your job? Like, they...

Starting point is 00:53:20 He does. He has to worry about it. We'll find out. Yeah. Yeah. Michigan, awesome. You were like, I know what I'll do. I'll fly to Austin and get away with it. Yeah, interesting. No, you won't.

Starting point is 00:53:32 Well, luckily a lot of people in Lansing, Michigan don't have Wi-Fi, so it's an absolute dreadful place. If you bounced around a lot, what made you land in Lansing, Michigan? Well, I'm from DeWitt, Michigan, which is by there. And then we moved to like, we were in Texas for like a year or two. We were there, we were in Mississippi, Chicago. And then I was in Thailand actually

Starting point is 00:53:53 for like two and a half years. You move around a lot. Yeah, yeah. A lot of bags and boxes one puts out. Yeah, yeah. Oh, D Madness is back everybody. You say Michigan three times, D Madness pops up, everybody. You say Michigan three times, D Madness pops up out of nowhere.

Starting point is 00:54:08 I love it. Johnny, tell us one more thing absolutely crazy about your life that makes you different, that people would find interesting. Oh, there's an, you know, HGTV? There's an episode of House Hunters International about my family when we moved to Thailand. It's called Returning to Thai Roots.

Starting point is 00:54:24 It's my one TV credit. So yeah, you can look that up. OK, I don't know if I'm allowed to say this. You bought the house before they filmed the episode. Like, you're already in the house. You have to make it look vacant. So I was like 11, 12 years old. I put all my stuff in drawers, and then we pretended we were

Starting point is 00:54:42 looking at it for the first time. Wow. Now, it was tec... It was when you were 11? Uh, I was, uh, it was 2012. Oh, okay, I would have been 13 at the time, yeah. What makes you think you're not allowed to speak about what went on behind the scenes at HGTV?

Starting point is 00:54:59 What do you think the consequences of that might be versus you being a man that handles young children coming on a show like this. Think your concerns are out of whack right now, Johnny. That's fair. I'm afraid the Property Brothers will come fuck me up, I guess, I don't know. How long are you in town for?

Starting point is 00:55:21 Till July 8th. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Wow, look at that red van booking real human beings on real shows. Johnny, fun times. Here's a big joke book. Congratulations. There you go. Johnny Morky.

Starting point is 00:55:39 Morky, how fun. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we are at the part of the show where I am going to ignore the next bucket pool and bring up an unbelievable golden ticket winner, perhaps one of the people's absolutely favorites of all time. He is back in town from Toronto, Canada, where he lives, where he spends most of his time famously eating ramen

Starting point is 00:56:07 noodles. This is the return of Kansai Yasuga. Arigato. Hi, guys. I'm a bilingual. I speak Japanese and English. And I feel like I have a different personality in each language that I speak.

Starting point is 00:56:35 Like, English Kansei is more confident, but Japanese Kansei is like more... It's like a little pervert, you know? Like for example, when I see a beautiful woman walking on a street, English counselor goes, mmm, I wanna hit that ass. But Japanese counselor goes, mmm, I wanna get on to crowded Japanese train, and casually tap that ass. The English announcer goes, I wanna get on to crowded Japanese train

Starting point is 00:57:08 and casually tap that ass. When I'm having a sex, English announcer goes, I wanna pounce all night until you break down, girl. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And Japanese Kansai goes, uh, I have a work tomorrow.

Starting point is 00:57:35 Oh. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I'm talking about. Thank you. Kansai Yasuda has done it yet again. The little Japanese-Canadian hybrid hero Aya Yasuda has done it yet again. The little Japanese-Canadian hybrid hero of the show.

Starting point is 00:57:51 Hi. We love Kansai, a master at the interview portion, a man with calculated, crisp answers to every single question. Yes. A legend, a legend of the game. He spends, for those of you that don't know, spends hours a day sitting in a ramen restaurant in Toronto, Canada, slowly sipping hot broth and sometimes he will grab chopsticks and deliver actual physical embodiments into his mouth and then chew them and swallow them.

Starting point is 00:58:27 Am I correct, Kansy? Yes, yes. That is what you love to do. You love that more than what? More than my... Almost got in real trouble there for a second. But my girlfriend works there. I know, so best of both worlds.

Starting point is 00:58:42 Everything is there. Everything is there in Tondo Ramen. Now, let me ask you something. Very famously, the last time you were on the show, we did a thing that we do sometimes, where we read Yelp reviews, and we famously read the Yelp reviews of your favorite ramen place, Ryukyu Shinmen Tondo Ramen.

Starting point is 00:59:03 You say it best. Say it to that camera over there, that blue light. And action. Action. Ryukyu Shinmen Tondo Ramen. Yes, everybody loves it. So, since we read those reviews,

Starting point is 00:59:22 word on the street is that it's kind of blown up a little bit. Have you noticed it getting busier? It grew up. It grew up. It grew up. It grew up. It grew up big time. It grew up.

Starting point is 00:59:35 It's just like my country. Yes. Yes, it's not the first time Americans have blown up a Japanese location. That's a really good point. Did I mention now's a good time to invest in Halliburton, everybody? So, Kansai, you're seeing it. You're seeing people come in, and do people recognize you,

Starting point is 00:59:54 since you're famous for sitting there? Yeah, they come and then they say hi. It's a lot of Kill Tony fans coming in there. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. Is the owner happy with me? Owner's, uh, yeah, he's like, Tony. Yeah, I love that. That's what I love.

Starting point is 01:00:12 That's exactly what I love. Amazing. And your girlfriend's happy about it? My girlfriend's happy. Yeah, she's the only Filipino, and half Filipino in the restaurant, so it's very easy to recognize. Right. And I.

Starting point is 01:00:28 Well, for some people. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. For some. That's a good point. Really good. Great point.

Starting point is 01:00:40 So we have some reviews here, current reviews of Ryukyu Shinmen Tando Ramen. One five-star review from Jordan F. My friend Tony recommended me to try this place. You need to try it if you're in the area. Derek L. Five stars, one month ago. Went there recently on a work trip. Was recommended by my good friend Tony.

Starting point is 01:01:02 Love this place so much. Okay. All right. Joe R one month ago, five stars. If it is good enough for Kansai, it will be good enough for you. My friend Tony said you will not leave hungry. Incredible.

Starting point is 01:01:18 Absolutely amazing. Jason F five stars one month ago. Great food and great service. I really enjoyed my visit. Thanks to Tony for the recommendation. Just to be sure, can we see if any of these guys are also reviewing like bath houses? Thank you to our friends Tony and Konzai

Starting point is 01:01:39 for the recommendation. John K. one month ago said, I heard about this place from some guys named Tony, Brian and Konzai. Everyone should be going here for ramen. The whole place is absolutely incredible. Eating here is just the golden ticket. Heidi and the band are planning on coming soon, too.

Starting point is 01:01:54 Wow. Our fans are completely insane. Let's go. Let's go. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So this is happening. You have any... Are there any one-star reviews recently? No. Let's see. That's how we normally do this. Absolutely incredible. So this is happening. You have any, are there any one-star reviews recently? Let's see, that's how we normally do this.

Starting point is 01:02:08 No. Just, just five. Sometimes you have to balance the scales a little bit. Yeah, there it is. Click on that thing. Ooh. Oh, no Risa ones. It's all old.

Starting point is 01:02:19 All of them are six years ago or more. Absolutely incredible, Kansai. Yeah! Wow. Yes. Thank you. Absolutely incredible, Kansai. Yeah! Wow. Thank you. Thank you, guys. So tell us, what else has been happening, Kansai? Anything else going on in your life that you're excited about? I am, uh...

Starting point is 01:02:36 I'm going... tour. Oh, you're going on tour. Where are you gonna go? Canada. Oh, wow. You live in Canada. Yeah. Very exciting. But you're doing other cities in Canada. Older, yeah, gonna go? Canada. Oh wow you live in Canada. Yeah. Very exciting. But you're doing other cities in Canada. Older city in Canada. Right. Thank you. Edinburgh. Edinburgh? Edmonton. Edmonton. That's UK. Ottawa. Ottawa.

Starting point is 01:02:59 Vancouver. Victoria. Calgary. Calgary. Calgary. Calgary. Calgary. Uh, uh, Oshawa. Uh huh, yes. Uh, uh, New. Newfoundland.

Starting point is 01:03:17 Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Newfoundland. Oh. Halifax. Halifax. You ever perform stand up in Japanese? In Japanese, it's really hard for me.

Starting point is 01:03:31 It's really hard for you? Yeah, I'm not funny in Japanese. Okay. But you say you're bilingual, so you can talk in Japanese. It's just hard to be funny in Japanese. Yeah, it's different type of humor. Right. Yeah. It's all the bowing fucks up the timing. in Japanese? Yeah, it's different type of humor. Right. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:03:45 It's all the bowing fucks up the timing. Yeah. Like... Do you have any jokes in Japanese? Can you do one short joke in Japanese? Okay. Yeah, go ahead. Ladies and gentlemen, performing in Japanese, so I eat anything.

Starting point is 01:04:17 Super Agent. Ah, Kansai, Kansai, Kansai. Very good, Kansai. Another amazing performance. You are truly one of the top Young Rising comedians in the world. Enjoy your Canadian tour and your newfound fame and your delicious ramen. Are they giving, are they give it to you for free now, right? Free ramen, yes, every day.

Starting point is 01:04:41 Every day. We're feeding them, people. I'm getting fired. Kansai Yasuda, reaping the benefits. Check out my tour, please. How do people get tickets to your Canadian tour? Go to my Instagram. Your what?

Starting point is 01:04:57 Wait, what did you say? Go to your what? Instagram. Instagram. Instagram. Instagram. Instagram. Instagram-a. Yeah, Kansai Comedy. Kansai Comedy. That's K-A-N-S.

Starting point is 01:05:08 S-E-I. Very good, yes. Comedy. One more time for Kansai Yusuda, ladies and gentlemen. Back to the bucket we go. I pulled one of the names of a young lady. Ooh la la, Heidi. Oh my goodness gracious.

Starting point is 01:05:29 How about one more time for the lovely Heidi, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Breaking news, McDonald's international menu items

Starting point is 01:05:40 are vanishing. McPizza bites missing in Italy. Big Rosti stolen from Germany. Teriyaki chicken sandwich disappears in Japan. An Abysscoth McFlurry blackout in Belgium. Oh, it's just in. We can now confirm the stolen favorites have resurfaced at McDonald's Canada. The international menu heist.

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Starting point is 01:06:32 This young lady was pulled out of the bucket in Phoenix, Arizona years ago. It's been a while since she's been on the show. This is very exciting. Make some noise for Celia Contreras, ladies and gentlemen. -♪ So I'm on a rape whistle because I like to blast off a little tune before I get started.

Starting point is 01:06:56 -♪ I went hitchhiking recently, and all my friends and family said stupid-ass shit to me. They're like, what if you get raped or kidnapped? You all see me, right? If somebody raped or kidnapped me, that motherfucker earned it. Do you know how hard it is for guys to fuck me with my consent?

Starting point is 01:07:20 I have to spread my legs as far as I can, send them down there with a call of duty headset and give them directions. You're gonna go six clicks to the north. You're gonna go through the main tunnel, the two smaller tunnels on either side are dead ends. And at the end of the night, they still jizz on my thigh, and at that point, I just want them to go home, so I'm like, good job, soldier.

Starting point is 01:07:50 He did your country po. Whoo! Whoo! Wow. Exactly a minute. Celia Contreras is back on the show. Hello, Celia, how are you? I'm going through a lot right now. Okay.

Starting point is 01:08:10 But it's not good. Okay, all right. I wasn't supposed to be here. I was supposed to fly back to Phoenix. I lived there, I moved back. But my friend fucked me over, ghosted the show. He asked me to be on. So I was supposed to leave Saturday or Sunday,

Starting point is 01:08:25 and now I'm here till Friday. OK. And then you're going to Phoenix. Yeah. And you're going to do a show there. Well, I live there now. Oh, you live there now? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:08:34 OK. So you're back in Phoenix. Yeah. I love Austin, and I love Texas, but my heart belongs to Arizona. I'm sorry. Right. That makes sense.

Starting point is 01:08:43 What do you love about Arizona? What exactly is it? Well, I didn't know what the dry heat was until I'm sorry. Right, that makes sense. What do you love about Arizona? What exactly is it? Well, I didn't know what the dry heat was until I came here. Uh-huh. That's part of it. But also, I'm smarter than everybody in Arizona because we're 49th in education. Right.

Starting point is 01:08:59 Right. So I just kind of miss shitting on everybody in Arizona. That makes sense. That makes sense. And that's Phoenix, where you live? Yeah, I'm in Phoenix now. I'm born and raised Flagstaff, Arizona. Okay. Very good. You're fantastic at comedy.

Starting point is 01:09:15 Remind us, how long have you been doing it? My nine-year anniversary was in May. Okay. Nine years. And what, uh... How do you survive solely off of comedy? Stand-up? Doing stand-up? For the last two years, yes, and the kindness of strangers and friends.

Starting point is 01:09:32 And also selling tiddy picks to lonely men online. Wow. Okay. What is a tiddy pick from Celia Contreras run exactly? Like, here's the thing. It's the same with my tarot card exactly. Like, here's the thing. It's the same with my tarot card readings. Like, it's like, if you're lonely enough, if I think you're gonna kill yourself, it's free. Okay.

Starting point is 01:09:53 And it's... and it's legal to be topless in downtown Austin. So there's some people who, like, it's like, this motherfucker needs a win. They're not the best titties, but here you go. Right. Okay. Right. Okay. Wow.

Starting point is 01:10:07 Lately, $25 to $50 online. Joe's about to kill himself here. Ah, so. Dude, I love Joe. We had a heart to heart about Lord of the Rings. We- Wow. Ooh.

Starting point is 01:10:22 He's trying to get in your morta-word, eh? But I... Ha-ha-ha. Just signed the guest book on the way out. We talked about Lord of the Rings, but I said that I was not a huge fan, correct? You want me to lie for you right now? No!

Starting point is 01:10:38 Whoa! What did I say about Lord of the Rings, though? Dude, you told me to watch the one with the shadows in the background. Yeah, the cartoon from the 70s. Yeah. No. That's a great one.

Starting point is 01:10:50 And I'm halfway through that, and I fucking love it. But the thing is, like, I need to pay... It's only an hour long. I'm troubled that you had to split it up into parts. To be fair, by the time I have to watch it, we all know I'm an alcoholic. I drank Tony's Crown. That is true.

Starting point is 01:11:05 Yeah, but like, I can't process new, like I can't watch something new if I'm writing jokes and or if I'm trying to fall asleep. Otherwise I'll stay up all night trying to watch it. Okay. Or I'll just completely miss the show. So I've actually tried to re-watch it like four times and I love it, but I'm trying to write jokes.

Starting point is 01:11:25 Well, I don't, you could just set aside time to watch something. Why are you writing, what is, are you writing like, I mean, your comedy's very funny. So if that's what it takes, then that's great, but. Well, it's comedy and my major, because I have bipolar disorder. Okay.

Starting point is 01:11:42 So I have to fill that out where I'm like keeping track of how much alcohol I have. And I normally do good until about 8 disorder. Okay. So I have to fill that out where I'm keeping track of how much alcohol I have. And I normally do good until about 8 p.m. And then- That's how most alcoholics are, yeah. Yeah, 8 p.m. I know what I am. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:11:55 I'm working on it. No, that makes sense. Did you- Oh, I'm sorry. Go ahead, not that. No, I was gonna say, did you say you also do tarot card readings? I do tarot card readings.

Starting point is 01:12:03 I can kind of do a palm reading. And yeah. Oh, shit. What do we got here? This is your dominant hand? This is my dominant hand. May I? Please. Oh, my goodness.

Starting point is 01:12:15 Ow. Sorry. That's my hitchhiking thumb. I might have to hitchhike back home after Friday. We'll play by ear. But this, this is your lifeline. Mm-hmm. So it's pretty long. Sweet. So...

Starting point is 01:12:28 At the very least, you're not gonna die, at least, until your 60s or 70s. Let's go. Wow. All right. This is your romance line. I don't know your relationships at all, but it's kind of, like, on this weird linear path. It should go here. Well, it's kind of going this way,

Starting point is 01:12:43 but that's a faint line, so... Does it say anything about possibly getting my dick sucked by my wife tonight? It's... Pfft. No. Fuck! Damn.

Starting point is 01:12:55 So close. These three lines here say you'll have at least three kids. I do have three kids. Wow! Look at that. Hey, come over here. Read Red Band's lifeline real kids. I do have three kids. Wow! Look at that. Hey, come over here. Read Red Band's lifeline real quick. I'm really curious.

Starting point is 01:13:09 Tell me, I am too fat to walk over there and look at Red Band. Red Band, go over there real quick. I want to know, I got to know what his lifeline's looking like. For those of you that don't follow him on Instagram, he posts pictures of every disgusting meal that he eats, which is every night in the middle of the night.

Starting point is 01:13:26 Always sugary, lots of carbs. He can't stop posting about it, even though I make fun of him every single day about it. He'll literally post, oh, my girlfriend made me fried donuts at 3 a.m. So I just can't imagine. How long is that lifeline, Celia? Red bed doesn't have a lifeline.

Starting point is 01:13:44 It's a drive-through line. What are we looking at, Celia? Real quick, Red Band, do you have your affairs in order? No, like, you have, like, five splayed lifelines, but, like, they don't get to hear, so... you might die sooner than you want to. That's one possibility. But it could mean you'll live longer,

Starting point is 01:14:09 but you're just gonna have a fuckton of, like, health problems. Perfect. So, like, we're talking heart disease. A fly just flew out of his ear. Is that a good sign? Also, I missed you guys. Come on back, Red Band.

Starting point is 01:14:24 You look fantastic. Look at this in-and-out bag coming towards me. Absolutely incredible. There you go. Sit down. Celia, fun times. Anything else crazy we should know about you before moving on? Um... Well, a lot of crazy shit, but, like, I'm not gonna bore them with it

Starting point is 01:14:42 because it's crazy for me, not for them. I love it. But, Tony, like, I'm not gonna bore them with it because it's crazy for me, not for them. I love it. But, Tony, can I ask you a question? Okay. I met you to sign my Marriott card from when we went to Celebrity Theatre, but could you sign this wristband for me? Okay. Yep. I really appreciate it. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:14:55 Yes, absolutely. You hate to see a wristband drop in value like that. It's instructions on, uh... You're now her emergency contact at her rehab facility. Celia, here's a big joke book. You got it? I'm gonna try to aim it right at those fucking money bags. There you go. Yeah, you see that? That's how you do it. You just fucking...

Starting point is 01:15:23 Sometimes you gotta use the old bread baskets there. One more time for Celia Contreras, everybody. All right, we're having fun in here tonight. Okay, we're gonna meet your next bucket full all together. It goes by the name of Joe Ellis, Joe Ellis. Joe Ellis. Joe Ellis. Joe Ellis. -♪ Whoo! -♪ -♪ Whoo! -♪ -♪ Whoo! -♪

Starting point is 01:15:50 My name is Joe Ellis. I have served in the military for 16 years as a Black Hawk pilot. Yep. Happy Pride. I've been fired by President Trump. He said, uh, you're fired. Whoo!

Starting point is 01:16:03 Yep. So I figured I'd start my career in stand-up comedy. I hear it's very lucrative, so here I am, uh, first time signing up, and this is exciting. I'm not sure if you could tell, uh, that I was trans. I'm always kind of self-conscious about my voice. I figured it'd give me away. But, uh, men I've been with lately actually said

Starting point is 01:16:21 it was my dick. Yep, so that answered that question. Uh, being fired is not the only surprise I've been with lately actually said it was my dick. Yep, so that answered that question. Uh, being fired is not the only surprise I've had this year. I was also accused of crashing my Blackhawk into an airliner in D.C. Back in January. I don't know if you all saw that. It kind of blew up online. There it is. Yep.

Starting point is 01:16:41 Yeah, trans terrorists that committed a murder-suicide killing 67 people, including myself. And during the doxxing process, when I was number two on Twitter that weekend, I was, uh, they found out I'm converting to Judaism. And so, trans and Jewish, if you haven't noticed, my hobby lately is collecting identities that people hate. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:17:03 Holy shit. Joe Ellis. I have a thousand questions. I'm so excited you're here. Let's check in with Tim Butterly first, Tim. This is the crying shame that the military let a female black hawk pilot go just for having a white cock. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:17:22 That's a great point. You are a powerful, powerful presence, Joe Ellis. Welcome to the show. How long were you in the military for? 16 years. 16 years. And you really got released recently? I am currently in the process of separation.

Starting point is 01:17:43 And how exactly were you informed why or how that happens? They said, hey, you're a tranny. You're getting fucking kicked out. Is that true? I mean, they didn't say it like that, but the executive order came out, and they said all trans out of the military, and I was one of them.

Starting point is 01:17:58 So 16 years, do you get, like, all your benefits and stuff? Is it kind of like a good separation? Not really. Really? What's the downside? Can you kind of like a good separation? Not really. Really? What's the downside? Can you kind of explain it to us? Sure. Because we have no idea how it works.

Starting point is 01:18:10 I'm being discharged under a code that means I'm a national security concern. Interesting. Same thing that they discharged gay people out of during prior, you know, don't ask, don't tell. So how long, you've been in the military 16 years, how long of that were you a female? Does this make sense?

Starting point is 01:18:28 It does. So I transitioned in 2023 during the Biden administration when it was allowed. And then the new administration came in and they said, sorry, but because you did that, now you're disqualified. So when you say that you transitioned, does that mean like you, you just, uh, let your hair grow out?

Starting point is 01:18:50 Like, what exactly does that mean? Yeah, I started hormones. I called them my titty skittles. I grew these. These are natural. Uh-huh. Yeah. And then I got a face surgery, which I paid out of pocket for all this. $60,000 for this beautiful face.

Starting point is 01:19:05 Right. Yeah. Okay. And I've been shopping for vaginas lately, but I haven't done that yet. What is the shopping process for vaginas like, exactly? It's crazy, because I still kind of have, like, a guy brain. So, like, I shop it like I'm shopping for cars on Facebook Marketplace.

Starting point is 01:19:22 Yeah. Like, you know, I'm just like, oh, check out this one. I found out there's two types. Uh-huh. There's a full depth and a no depth. Oh, why would anyone want a no depth? I don't know, because it's like getting a Lamborghini without an engine.

Starting point is 01:19:35 Yeah. What the fuck? It's like having a little kitty inflatable pool in your backyard instead of the deep dive with a diving board. Joe DeRosa is freaking out right now. We're gonna let him ask this question. Can I...

Starting point is 01:19:49 It's hard as a rock right now. Can I beg you? Can I beg you to not get the vagina? Don't ruin this beautiful thing you've done. Keep the wonderful cock. I mean... That's awesome. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:20:03 It does play well in certain demographics, like bi women, men in their 40s. Bi demographic! All right. We'll talk. Yeah. Joe DeRosa famously got his dick sucked at Skankfest. Hand job. Oh, no. That's not the story we heard. It actually was.

Starting point is 01:20:20 Wait, you gave it a blowjob, right? No, no, no. Yes, you gave a blowjob. Yes, you did! No, I didn't. I would tell you, I would tell you, I have no shame. Right. Uh. It's okay, you don't have to just make noises just because you're excited now.

Starting point is 01:20:34 But don't. I have questions for you, Joe Ellis. So, I've always wondered what this thing is like. So, first of all, like when did you start to think that you're a woman? Like was it when you were a kid or is it something that? Yeah, so five years old I had symptoms but because I grew up in a conservative,

Starting point is 01:20:55 home-schooled religious household, my dad worked for Pat Robertson at CBN, you know, that kind of environment. Yeah, I didn't know what it was, I just thought it meant I was a bad person. Right. And then when I was in army training in Sears School, which is an intense survival school, I was locked in a box, as they do, for about 12 hours.

Starting point is 01:21:12 You were locked in a box? Were you locked in any bags? Were you locked in bags and boxes? Yeah. Bags and boxes! Everyone just won a million dollars! It's a reference from earlier. Don't worry about it. Okay, so you were locked in a box.

Starting point is 01:21:28 And very hungry, very tired, and that's when I just started having these epiphanies that, like, I couldn't push it away anymore because I was so exhausted. I was like, oh, shit, I think this means I'm trans. I guess I'll have to deal with this when I get out. And I sought therapy, and that's how it started. So you could say the Army transmed me. Very interesting. Why did they put you in a

Starting point is 01:21:47 box? Well that's just part of the POW training that you go through. Okay and when you say you were five years old and you started having symptoms what exactly does that mean? What were those symptoms? I would steal my sister's clothes and dress up and then be scolded for, you know, that being a terrible thing and boys don't do that and lots of gender envy. So like just seeing women and just being envious of them. So now I'm going to ask you questions about the penis vagina thing. Alright.

Starting point is 01:22:21 Which I find so interesting because you can come right now. Fuck yeah. Right. That sounds a lot like me. Uh... Pfft. Um, so you can come. Now, help me to understand, because I'm just like,

Starting point is 01:22:38 it's like I'm blind to it, right? Sorry, D-Madness. But I just simply don't understand the idea of giving up coming forever to have just a physical thing. Can you kind of, like, help me to understand that? It's so advanced now. Most people can still come afterwards. You can come with a depth vagina?

Starting point is 01:22:56 Hell, yeah. Wow. And there's butt coming, too, Tom. Butt coming? Yeah. Butt coming has entered the chat thanks to our senior butt coming correspondent, But coming. But coming has entered the chat. Thanks to our senior but coming correspondent,

Starting point is 01:23:09 Brian Redband. But coming, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Is there a percentage of possible failure with the in-depth vagina? Probably. I guess I just started shopping recently. Right. An interesting thing. So Joe Ellis, so what are you doing now? Now that you're out of the military, what's your new plan?

Starting point is 01:23:40 Well, I do IT to pay the bills, and I've been a fan of comedy since I was a teenager. Vicious Circle, Dane Cook era was huge to me. And just Richmond, where I'm from, gets a lot of great comedians. Tom Segura, Louis C.K., coming through this year. And I just, I always go to shows and I was like, oh, I'd love to try that sometime. But until the crash rumor happened, I was nervous.

Starting point is 01:24:04 So that's real. So that crash happened was nervous. So that's real. So that crash happened. Yes, all that was real. There was a female pilot of the Black Hawk helicopter, and someone started a conspiracy theorist that the female was actually trans and that it was on purpose. A DEI hire.

Starting point is 01:24:17 Wow. And that was you. That was me. And you got doxed for that. Yep. And now I'm suing in federal court. Wow. Who are you suing in federal court. Wow. Who are you suing? The news outlet that reported that? Matt Wallace.

Starting point is 01:24:31 Okay. On X or Twitter. Wow. Amazing. That's incredible. And he must have done no research. He just heard it and ran with it or researched you and looked you up and just threw you under the bus. First one to tie my likeness to the rumor. We don't know if he started the rumor,

Starting point is 01:24:45 but he had millions of followers, he did the most, what we can determine is damage. So, and because I was a private person, I didn't really have a social media following or anything. I think it's a good case. Were you already fired from the military just before that, or did that happen all at once? It kind of all happened at once,

Starting point is 01:25:02 the executive order came out, which meant it was coming, but I was still, you know, serving. And then the crash happened that week, and then I was named as the pilot. Okay, let me ask you this. When you started taking the female hormones and everything like that, did you notice yourself kind of becoming a less-tough soldier?

Starting point is 01:25:21 Does that kind of make sense? Were you... It makes sense. Were you sore? Do you nag a lot? Yeah. I mean... Ladies and gentlemen, we have woken Osama Bin Laden up from a nap.

Starting point is 01:25:35 My tits got sore because they were growing. Right. Yeah. But I was still mentally tough. Like, I'm mostly me like. Did it make you more emotional? At first and then I got stable on them in a few months and I was I was good to go. But you were in the military for a few months on medicine feeling kind of unstable. Not unstable no just emotional. Right. So I was grounded from flying during that time and then put back into service afterwards So I was grounded from flying during that time

Starting point is 01:26:05 and then put back into service afterwards. I was deployable within six weeks. Hell yeah. OK, so interesting. And what types of things over your 16 years of military service have you done? Did you go to the Middle East? I did.

Starting point is 01:26:20 So before I became a warrant officer and a pilot a few years ago, I was a mechanic on helicopters, and I doubled as a door gunner on the UH-60 during Iraq in 2011. So I was a door gunner. Hell yeah. Wow. And now you're about to bunker bust your dick off.

Starting point is 01:26:38 That's incredible. This is absolutely amazing. Black house. Speaking of that, if I could urge you once again to just keep the beautiful gift God gave you. This is absolutely amazing. Speaking of that, if I could urge you once again to just keep the beautiful gift God gave you. At least for one more night. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:26:53 Is that click-o-vision? Red band, just don't do that anymore. Um, okay. So, Joe Ellis, explain to us what you're, like you wanna do stand up full time now. Do you live here in Austin? I do not, I live in Richmond, Virginia. Richmond, Virginia.

Starting point is 01:27:12 Okay, that must be a tough place for a trans person to live, am I right? You kinda get stared at a lot, something like that? I get stared at everywhere I go, I'm tall, all these things. Exactly. No, Richmond is actually like a blossoming queer community. You'd be surprised.

Starting point is 01:27:27 OK, yeah, that's interesting. What's your type? This could be anything right here. What is the person that you're most attracted to? Yeah, I mean, I lean towards women. But since transitioning, I have tried men. So you're kind of a lesbian. Kind of.

Starting point is 01:27:44 I've got some stories. A lesbian with a penis. Built-in strap-on. Oh, I got a story about that. Absolutely incredible. Like, what is a story? When you say you have stories, I agree with John Dees, I do believe it was, on this. Who said that? Let's hear it. Yes.

Starting point is 01:28:01 Since I've tried it all now, since coming out, lesbian women have been interesting because some of them like that I have a dick, Who said that? Let's hear it. Yes. Since I've tried it all now since coming out, lesbian and women have been interesting because some of them like that I have a dick and some of them don't. And some of them are like, well, I'd rather use toys or whatever. And I've got skills, I can do that.

Starting point is 01:28:14 But one time this one girl handed me, it was in a box, it was a toy, and it was a fucking strap on. And I was like, yeah. It was offensive because it didn't have like vibrations or lasers or any cool shit. It was like, as if I was offensive because it didn't have, like, vibrations or lasers or any cool shit. It was like as if I went and got mine made into one. And I was like, I mean, I still fucked her with it.

Starting point is 01:28:31 Ha ha ha, wow. That's incredible. So you put it above your penis and just... Yeah. Wow. I mean, it's great if you want to do, like, DP, like double penetration. Oh, my goodness. I... That's amazing. Red Band is in his glory right now. I don't think I've ever seen him more happy. Talk about that on stage. That's hilarious.

Starting point is 01:28:49 Also, Joe, speaking of toys, I have what's called a Colecovision. I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but I'm happy to show you. I have. That's for zero penetration. Joe Ellis, I like your style. I don't know if you've ever heard of it, but I'm happy to show you. That's for zero penetration. Yeah. Joe Ellis, I like your style. You're getting a big joke book.

Starting point is 01:29:12 Um... There's a black one. How about that? Boom. Oh, she catches like a woman, everybody. The transition is happening. Catches like a real woman, not like a guy that was in the military for 16 years, but like a brand new female.

Starting point is 01:29:28 Now I'm going to hand this to you, but you need to promise you're not going to try to turn this into a little joke book. I promise. That's funny. Joe Ellis, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you, Joe Ellis. Fun times.

Starting point is 01:29:47 All right, your next bucket pool is on the inside. A comedian from around here. He's been on this show before. Make some noise for Keith Ray, ladies and gentlemen. Is Keith Ray around? Keith Ray? We have Movement by Keith Ray. I'm not seeing movement.

Starting point is 01:30:09 Oh boy. What a disaster. Keith Ray. Keith Ray. Keith Ray. Hit pause on whatever you're listening to and hit play on your next adventure. Stay three nights this summer at Best Western and get $50 off a future stay. Life's the trip. Make the most of it at Best Western. Visit bestwestern.com for complete terms and conditions. No Frills delivers.

Starting point is 01:30:50 Get groceries delivered to your door from No Frills with PC Express. Shop online and get $15 in PC optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? It's pretty good, pretty good ratio there. You can turn down the inside lights, they're grabbing them. Here he comes, it's Keith Ray from the very, very back of the room. Here he comes.

Starting point is 01:31:24 It's a long walk to the top if you want to rock and roll. I'll pass him in, I'll pass him in, I'll pass him in. All right. One more time, ladies and gentlemen, for Keith Ray, everybody. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Starting point is 01:31:43 Little About me. Obviously, I'm a big fan of the Little Mermaid. Yeah. Not so much Ariel. I like that Ursula. Yeah, I like that big bitch. She got ride or die bottom bitch energy. That's the kind of chick you can start an insurance fire with.

Starting point is 01:32:10 And she's got eight legs. That's four pussies. I know math. She's got them big old squid tits, big old sack of mud titties we call them back home. Kind of tit you can smack one tit and it'll roll out, come back like the tide. Big old sheet cake lunch lady jugs. Kind of titties got the brown stain on the bottom from dipping

Starting point is 01:32:50 in the manwich juice. I like a bitch so big her titties start in the middle of her back. Come swoop it. All right, Keith Ray with a full presentation. For those of you that remember Ursula from The Little Mermaid. Wow. Joe DeRosa. Keith, I never thought I'd see a comedian that made Uncle Lazer look distinguished.

Starting point is 01:33:13 Ha-ha-ha. But dear Lord. That is incredible. It's quite the breakdown of Ursula from The Little Mermaid. I don't even remember what that looks like or what it is or anything, really. I'm not a big Little Mermaid. You've seen The Little Mermaid. I don't even remember what that looks like or what it is or anything, really. I'm not a big Little Mermaid. You've seen The Little Mermaid a lot?

Starting point is 01:33:29 John Deere's just made a noise back here. She's a big bitch. Oh, yeah. I get the point. She's a big girl, but a lot of... Oh, yeah, that one. You watched The Little Mermaid a lot? When I was a kid. When you were a kid. Okay, and you still got her on the mind. Oh yeah, that one. You watched The Little Mermaid a lot? When I was a kid.

Starting point is 01:33:46 When you were a kid. Okay, and you still got her on the mind. Yeah. There's still time to catch Celia on the way to the airport. Pfft. Ha ha ha. Pfft.

Starting point is 01:33:55 Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Starting point is 01:34:02 That is true. That is true. That is true. A lot of bags, one box. Um, Keith Gray. So, remind everybody, how long you been doing stand-up? Uh, 12 years. 12 years. And you live here in Austin.

Starting point is 01:34:18 Tell us about your life. Well, I moved here back in 22 in January, and I lived in my van for four months. And then I moved into a room for rent above the Chupacabra Cantina. Uh-huh. And, yeah, spent the next two years drinking myself into oblivion.

Starting point is 01:34:40 Yep. And I was one of the original 15 door guys here at the Greatest club on planet Earth. That's true. One of the original door guys here at the mothership. And I was the first one fired. That is true. We all remember that.

Starting point is 01:34:54 You were very, very sloppy. You would linger around until the wee hours of the night, keeping conversations going with absolutely anybody that would sit anywhere near you whatsoever. And it was unbelievably annoying you were a terrible terrible drinker yeah I was but you're sober now 14 years of daily practice I never got good at it and you're sober now yeah I quit after I got fired right and last November I got passed as a regular here at the club that is true he closes some

Starting point is 01:35:22 of the shows the little boy late at. So Keith what did you do to quit drinking? How does someone that made their entire existence drinking and how do you quit? Well I left town I thought I needed to change the scenery so I went to LA for a couple months because that's like the worst drinking town in America. Because everything's so spread out. And started going to yoga every day because you had turned me on to hot yoga back when I was still in my drinking days.

Starting point is 01:35:57 That is true. I insisted that you try hot yoga to try to reset something in your system. Yeah. And it worked. Uh-huh. Yeah. Look at you now. You can't imagine what he looked like before.

Starting point is 01:36:09 I was gonna say, you're sure you're going to hot yoga and not frozen yogurt? Ha-ha-ha-ha. Pfft. Pfft. I love it. Hey, they got fat people at yoga class. Keith, what else do you do when you're not doing stand-up?

Starting point is 01:36:27 I'm doing stand-up full-time now. Right, but, like, what else? Like, at nighttime, for example, when you used to just get obliterated drunk, what do you do now? I don't know. I like to watch the Sopranos with my girlfriend. Genius. I love that.

Starting point is 01:36:43 That's pretty much... I like a nice bowl of ice cream from time to time. Okay. Big Oreos guy now. Oh, look at that. Yeah. How many Oreos are we talking about, Keith? I try and keep it in single digits.

Starting point is 01:36:56 Uh... If I'd have done that when I was drinking, I probably wouldn't have had to quit. Uh... Hell, yeah. So I'll try and watch my overintake, but, yeah, I'm a milk and cookies guy now. I used to do rails of Coke and drink bourbon by the fifth,

Starting point is 01:37:15 but, uh... Milk and cookies. Look at you. Adorable. Years away from being a mall Santa, assuredly. Joe DeRosa? I can't believe getting fired as a mall Santa, assuredly. Joe DeRosa? I can't believe getting fired as a doorman was your bottom. You've mentioned eight worse bottoms in this interview than the door guy thing.

Starting point is 01:37:36 Yeah, no, I quit drinking because this club's a family, and I wasn't gonna pick the bottle over my family. He really is true. He's loved around here. Keith, a good set, rock solid. You already have a big joke book? No, I haven't done your show since it was in the belly room at the store.

Starting point is 01:37:56 Wow, well guess what, my friend Red Band. And I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday, Keith. Keith Ray. Thank you very much. I love you guys. Keith Ray. Thank you very much. I love you guys. Keith Ray. This is definitely a new name. I would know if I pulled this out of the bucket before. Very interesting name.

Starting point is 01:38:14 I'm excited about the Kill Tony debut of Sancho Pancho Villa. Wow. ["Fetish Reason"] ["Fetish Reason"] ["Fetish Reason"] ["Fetish Reason"] What's up, guys? I know a lot of people can't tell most of the time, but I am vertically challenged. I'm 5'1 on a good day, which is ironic because I'm actually into taller women

Starting point is 01:38:45 but not for any weird like fetish reason like most normal people I just want to hopefully get one pregnant so that way my kids have a chance at a normal life but I can't date tall women anymore I I can't do it. My last tall girlfriend, she got mad at me because I was gonna go out on a Monday night and do some show called Kill Tony. And she was like, well, my horoscope is an asparagus or some bullshit. And she needed to be nurtured and comforted.

Starting point is 01:39:23 So she's like, well, let's see how far you go without these. So she grabs my keys, and she throws them on top of the refrigerator. Whoo! So I can't date tall women anymore. Thank y'all so much. I'm Sancho Pancho Villa. Sancho Pancho Villa. I like the way you say it. Sancho Pancho Villa. Thank you very much.

Starting point is 01:39:42 Sancho Pancho Villa. Nice to see you again, Tony. Good to see you. You've been on this show before? No, we met around dinner a few months back. Around dinner. What the fuck are you talking about? I was leaving the restaurant and you were going in.

Starting point is 01:39:59 Okay. All right. And I met you. Yeah, I can't be specific. I think it was February 25th at 5.03 p.m. Wow. All right, yeah, and I met you yeah, um I can't be specific I think it was like February 25th at like 5 or 3 p.m. Wow all right there you go Amazing amazing Sancho Pancho Villa Joe DeRosa. I just saw it today. You were great in 28 years later You were really for the people that saw it. That's very funny If you ask the women is 28's 28 inches later, so...

Starting point is 01:40:26 Whoa, this guy's claiming he has a huge cock. Is it as big as you? I'm average for my size. Yeah. You are adorable, Sancho Pancho Villa. I got to know, what do you do for work looking like that? I have a part-time job as an operations assistant. What exactly are you assisting in operations?

Starting point is 01:40:50 It's this repair... Chocolate factory? He's an Oompa Loompa via. That was my last job, but I got caught fucking Mrs. Oompa Loompa, so. No, seriously, seriously, stick with the actual questions here. What are you working? No, I do assistant for operations for like a trailer repair company in, like, Kyle. So I set that up so I could come here on Mondays to make sure I could sign up.

Starting point is 01:41:20 Okay. So what is, what's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning, Sancho Pancho Villa? Do you have someone have to let you out of the crib that you sleep in or you kind of crawl out on your own? You kind of put a little ladder there? A grasshopper opens my drawer. No, I like to drink a lot, so I just make sure I go check, make sure I didn't crash my car. I mean, that's just... So when you say you drink a lot, what do you mean exactly?

Starting point is 01:41:53 You go to bars? Well, I was in the Marines, so I have a high tolerance, so I just, I drink a lot. You were in the Marines? Yes, sir. Somehow this is crazier than anybody else we found out that did military service today. I have a tattoo. You were in the Marines? Yes, sir. Somehow this is crazier than anybody else we found out

Starting point is 01:42:06 that did military service today. I have a tattoo. It says, hi. Holy fucking shit. It's on my license. Oh my God. What exactly did you do in the military? Well, I was five three when I joined, now I'm five one.

Starting point is 01:42:22 But no, that's true. I was an engineer company, so we built stuff, blew it up. And, yeah, just heavy equipment operations, generator, mechanic, stuff like that. Wow. Absolutely incredible, Sancho Pancho Villa. Yeah, man. Wow.

Starting point is 01:42:39 So when you say you drink a lot, like, what does that mean? Like, two or three drinks and you're trashed? No, like, maybe after, like what does that mean? Like two or three drinks and you're trashed? No, like maybe after like five Dole whiskey sprites and like seven tequilas and I'm buzzing. Oh my God. And what do you like to do when you get drunk? Do you like flirt with girls?

Starting point is 01:42:57 I like to talk to married women, but no. You talk, is that true? Yes, yeah, no. So I got the nickname Sancho by always, like, not caring who I'm flirting with. Really? Yes. Yes. What does Sancho mean?

Starting point is 01:43:13 It means, like, a side dude. It's like a term of endearment in Hispanic culture for, like, a guy that sleeps with married women. Really? Yes. So that really is a thing of yours. What a beautiful culture. It is.

Starting point is 01:43:24 It is, it is. Wow. So how many, if you had to guess, how many married women you've slept with, such a bunch of you, how many would that number be? Married women, because I also sleep with people with like boyfriends and stuff like that. So married women.

Starting point is 01:43:40 So you're, before you answer, you're specifically into women that have someone else. Yes. That's like a thing of yours. It wasn't at the beginning, but it's just become that. So when you go up to a woman at a bar and you're like, hey, you know, what's up? Nice to meet you. Do you have a boyfriend?

Starting point is 01:43:55 And they say yes. You are into it more. My first question is how tall are they? Is my first question. How tall are you? No, whenever they say, oh, yeah, I have a boyfriend, I'm like, okay, how tall is he? Oh.

Starting point is 01:44:07 And then if he's not, like, over 6'5", I'm like, I could fight him. You think you could fight someone as long as they're not over 6'5"? I know it. I know I could. I would almost argue that you have a bigger advantage over someone that's taller than 6'5". You could shoot low.

Starting point is 01:44:23 Seems like you would get the fucking absolute shit beat out of you by a 6'3 guy. No, I got like a strong jaw, but like I'll pick someone up and slam him. Like, nah. Okay, Sancho Pancho Biel. What can I say? Has that ever happened before?

Starting point is 01:44:38 Have you gotten it? Also, if he squeezes legs together, he's got to really mean this thing. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. He's got to really mean this thing. Laughter It's an action figure. Oh, my God. Sancho Pancho Villa.

Starting point is 01:44:53 So, let's go back to that number. Ballpark number of married women. It's probably, like, not to be specific, but, like, 27. Oh, my God. So, have you... Obviously, but like 27. Oh my god. So have you, obviously 27, right? Yes sir. Even though I'm sure you're exaggerating

Starting point is 01:45:12 by fucking like 26. I'm not, I'm not. So, uh. I'm not, I'm not. So has there been times, obviously, there must be where you kind of got in trouble, kind of got caught, right? The husband finds out, tracks her down,

Starting point is 01:45:31 she's at your place, something like that? No, I always go to her house or her place or we do it in the car, so. Okay. And then I'm five, one on a good day so I get out any size window, so. What? Like in case the husband gets home early,

Starting point is 01:45:44 I can escape out any size window. Yeah. I'd argue that. Yeah. Yeah. You have any special... Go ahead, Joe DeRosa. I was gonna say maybe a bay window.

Starting point is 01:45:58 Yeah. You have any special moves in the bedroom, Sancho Pancho Villa? How do you please these women? What's your specialty? Well, so I'm so short, I go up on women. So like I start and I start like from the clit and then, you know, I start like kissing the thighs and stuff like that.

Starting point is 01:46:19 Usually it's a lot of like vaginal play and like that just vaginal play. Oh my goodness. So keep describing this vaginal play oh my goodness yeah keep describing this vaginal play to us this episode is brought to you by talkspace prize picks and to Kovac's I forgot to mention that earlier they're gonna love that shout out right there yeah man cuz now it's part of an internet clip okay go ahead so like when I first joined the Marines like my training serge training sergeant, he gave me this book, and it was like, how to complete a female orgasm,

Starting point is 01:46:48 and I read the whole book. And so, yeah, so... it just said, like, oh, yeah, you know, you want to make sure that you do the alphabet and you do the tons tornado, you know. And then I just make sure that they get close to climaxing, but I make sure they don't finish, because I still want to fuck.

Starting point is 01:47:07 So, like, you know... You think if you make them finish, they're not going to want to fuck? Um, um, yeah, no. I don't think that, but it's just a precaution. Yeah. And, uh, like... Have you ever...

Starting point is 01:47:20 Has that ever happened, where you've given a woman an orgasm and then they don't let you fuck afterwards? Uh, only when she sobered up. No, uh, no, it's never happened, not yet. Right. And I hope it doesn't, so... Okay. Tim Butterly. Uh, I know you said you've sworn off tall women, but we had an absolute knockout blonde a couple of comics ago.

Starting point is 01:47:40 Yeah. Now... No, I don't date them. It kind of depends on how you feel about a shallow vaginal canal. I think it's gonna work perfectly for him. Perfect. It's perfect.

Starting point is 01:47:55 If that dick looks like the tater tot that I'm picturing. Hey, but at 100 miles an hour, they're gonna feel it. You know what I'm saying? Wow. Is that what you do? You have 100 mile an hour pelvic thrust? Yeah, I don't look like me. Can you show us? Can you show us what you fuck like? No, not your dick.

Starting point is 01:48:12 Just your hip movement while fucking. Oh, yeah, man. Like, so, like, it's just like... You don't need to fuck the desk. We want you out there so that we can kind of see it. Go back that way. Take a step back. Right in that light. Right there. Yes. All right, cool. So, like, I make sure I stretch so I don't blow anything.

Starting point is 01:48:26 And then I just fucking... Oh my God. You know what I'm saying? Let's go! Wow, absolutely incredible. One of the most disgusting episodes in this show's history. This is not the first time I've asked this question on this show.

Starting point is 01:48:43 What the fuck is happening right now? Yeah, man. What is going on? It is incredible. This is a wild episode. Sancho Pancho Villa, anything else crazy we should know about you before letting you go? I support this nonprofit for veterans, disabled veterans. Nothing better after 35 fast pelvic thrusts

Starting point is 01:49:06 and giving a shout-out to a good old nonprofit. What exactly is this nonprofit that you're promoting right now? Yeah, so it's... It's AheroUSA.org, and it's ran by my former, you know, commanding officer, and it's just bringing a bunch of disabled veterans together through outdoor activities.

Starting point is 01:49:27 Yeah. Amazing. I love it. Thank you. Sancho, Pancho, Bia, here's a little joke book, or as you call it, a joke book. -♪ Aww. Hey.

Starting point is 01:49:42 Him and Joe Ellis catch the sing. That would be a magical, a magical connection. All right, let's get one more bucket pull in here. Make some noise, ladies and gentlemen, for Mike Ryan. Mike Ryan. ["Majestic Song"] ["Majestic Song"] ["Majestic Song"] One thing that I've discovered about doing comedy I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am.

Starting point is 01:50:05 I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am.

Starting point is 01:50:11 I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am.

Starting point is 01:50:18 I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. I am. molested, the lucky ones were both, and I feel like at 37 years old I'm too old

Starting point is 01:50:27 for either of those things to happen for me, at least without being my fault. Like if I get molested at 37 years old, that's on me. That's my bad. What was I wearing? What was I wearing? It's been kind of a tough year. I took away PornHub in Texas. Got so bad this morning, I had Jack off using my imagination. Turns out, I'm pretty fucking gay, dude. I had no idea. Turns out, I'm pretty fucking gay, dude. I had no idea.

Starting point is 01:51:07 How am I supposed to tell my mom? That I'm a Democrat now? I'm not gonna be one without the other. Thank you. Fuck yeah. Mike Ryan. You've been on this show before, Mike. Welcome. How you doing? Remind the people. How long you been on standup?

Starting point is 01:51:25 One year, seven months. And what do you do for work? I'm a logistics coordinator in a refinery. Okay, like an alcohol refinery. A chemical refinery. Chemical refinery, what type of chemical exactly? Olefins is what they use to make plastics. Oh, okay, is that hazardous to be around?

Starting point is 01:51:43 Yeah, probably. We gonna find out. Oh, okay. Is that hazardous to be around? Yeah, probably. Wow. We're gonna find out. Yeah, we are. Goddamn. That's pretty crazy. How long have you worked there? Uh, about two years. Okay, and it pays well? It's pretty good.

Starting point is 01:51:56 Long hours? Uh, no. I probably shouldn't say this, but I don't work very much when I'm not on a project. It's like, you know, it's really chill. But when I'm on a project, it's 84-hour weeks. 84-hour weeks.

Starting point is 01:52:11 Ooh, jeez. Whoa. Yeah, I did the math on that. That fucking sucks. Holy shit. Damn. And is that mostly like sitting in a chair, or like what do you do? Yeah, I'm in a chair. So I coordinate the logistics, the shipping and receiving of everything that goes in and out of the plant.

Starting point is 01:52:29 Okay, what do you do for fun? For the last year and seven months, just comedy. Other than that. You must have some kind of hobby or something. I like to hang out with my daughter. That's pretty cool. Okay, how old's your daughter? She's 12.

Starting point is 01:52:44 12 years old, look at you. I wouldn't have guessed out with my daughter. That's pretty cool. Okay, how old's your daughter? She's 12. 12 years old? Look at you. I wouldn't have guessed that you came inside of somebody 12 years ago. You would be very surprised, yeah. Yeah, yeah, I am that. A lot. Exactly, that's a surprise right now.

Starting point is 01:52:56 But you only have one kid. Yeah. Amazing. And what's that like? Does the mom live near you? About 30 minutes away, yeah. All right. And you guys switch on and off or whatever?

Starting point is 01:53:06 Uh, yeah. Okay. I got really lucky in the baby mama department. Never had a problem. No fights, nothing. Amazing. That is amazing. And so this 12-year-old growing up, and 12 years old in the year 2025, what are you noticing? What's going on?

Starting point is 01:53:22 Roblox is expensive. Is she trans yet? What's going on? She trans... Roadblocks is expensive. Is she trans yet? What's up? Getting nothing. Oh no, she's not trans. She's actually going to church camp in like two weeks. Oh, that's where you get trans at. So, perfect.

Starting point is 01:53:34 Yeah. Amazing. What exactly is church camp? It's a camp. It's actually here in Austin. I don't forget what it's called, but it's like a camp for girls that, you know, are Christian and like to hang out and have a good time

Starting point is 01:53:49 at camp, I guess. I don't know. I don't ask too many questions about it. I love it. Yeah. Maybe I should. You could always just trust the adults at a church camp with your kids. What could possibly go wrong? -♪ Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo, woo,hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo-hoo You guys are somehow both dressed like two obese Kleenex boxes. It is shocking. According to the laws of physics, one of you is going to disappear in a minute.

Starting point is 01:54:35 How are you guys both dressed like the Big Island? A year and seven months. You're very slick with the comedy for that short period of time. Thank you. I appreciate it. I worked very hard at it. Yeah. Very good. I actually mentioned the shirt. I bought this shirt when I got booked to do a secret show by Enrique

Starting point is 01:54:56 because it matched the background, so... Nice. So, Red Band did inspire this shirt. Wow. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. That wasn't the idea. at the background, so. Nice. So Red Band did inspire this shirt. Wow. Oh my God. Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:55:09 That wasn't the backdrop. Red Band was just standing behind you. What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? What the fuck? I love it. Mike Ryan, what's something else we should know about you?

Starting point is 01:55:23 Something crazy about your life or some weird habit that you do? What's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning? Not pray. Yeah, but what do you do? So like I said, I work remote most of the time, so I kind of wake up and just turn the computer on and then check my email.

Starting point is 01:55:44 It's next to you in bed already? Yeah. Okay. I'm very lazy. I don't know if you guys... Yeah. Do you jack off on the clock? No.

Starting point is 01:55:52 I'm sorry, boss, if you see this. It's better than the high school teacher earlier. I got the, uh, the camera on my laptop covered, so we're good, yeah. Perfect. Okay. What about the microphone, though? How much noise do you make when you jack off, Red Band?

Starting point is 01:56:20 You should hear him breathing throughout an episode. It's absolutely incredible that it doesn't sneak into every episode every second, but I get the amazing pleasure of hearing it out of my left ear for 12 years now, everybody. And now it's great. Mike, I would love to have you back on The Secret Show this week. Wow, look at that.

Starting point is 01:56:41 Look at that. And you already have a big joke book? Yeah, I do. Okay, well awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, there he goes. Mike Ryan, everybody. It's time to drown, baby. And that is indeed your final bucket full of the night.

Starting point is 01:56:56 How much fun have we had? Talkspace, Prize Fix, and Tacovas bring you this episode. And now it is down to one. And if you ask me, I mean, what a time we had. Three black songwriters to start. How much fun did we have with a little hit called Bags and Boxes?

Starting point is 01:57:21 We met Johnny. Johnny, the teacher from Lansing, Kansai Yasuda, Celia Contreras, Joe Ellis, a full blown black hawk, helicopter pilot, six foot seven woman, badass, Sancho Pancho Villa, Keith Ray, Mike Ryan, and now there's only one person, if you ask me, that can end an episode like this,

Starting point is 01:57:49 and it is the man with the all-time most appearances. Yeah. The most interviews ever in the history of the show. The first ever living member of the KilToni Hall of Fame. Here to increase his monopolized record, this is the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the Tacovas tycoon, the prize picks prince, and the top space tyrant.

Starting point is 01:58:20 This is the big red Machine, William Montgomery. Hello, my name is William Montgomery and I'm thinking about adopting Ja Rule. It was a long break, Tony. Okay. and I'm thinking about adopting Ja Rule. Yeah! It was a long break, Tony. Okay. I like the name Thurston. First of all, sounds rich.

Starting point is 01:58:57 Second of all, he a thot. Yeah! Lately in the mirror, I've been battle... practicing battle rapping, people. I'll probably never beat. Like, I've been battle- practicing battle rapping, people I'll probably never beat. Like, I've got a brand-new daughter, restless in bed. To help her fall asleep, I read the lyrics to Right Said Fred. That's actually me if I was battle rapping Right Said Fred. It was a long break, Tony!

Starting point is 01:59:25 Okay, this is sad. An Indian billionaire recently died when he swallowed a bee break, Tony. Okay, this is sad. An Indian billionaire recently died when he swallowed a bee playing polo. I didn't even know bees played polo. Okay, Tony, that's my time. Whoo! William Lights Out Montgomery, the Tacovus tycoon, the talk space tyrant, the prince of prize picks,

Starting point is 01:59:48 has joined us again. Rubbing his eye, this is a new thing. We've never seen this before. We've never seen him rub his eyes like this. I've developed this very nervous tic ever since I found out about my carotid artery being clogged up, Tony. You have a clogged, carotid artery.

Starting point is 02:00:04 I'm on statins now. You're on a medicine for it? I'm on statins, and it makes me fucking rub on my eye. I don't know if it's the statins. I don't know if it's just a nervous tick, but be careful. Red Band, you really need to be careful, because I feel like I've already rode almost 750 miles

Starting point is 02:00:21 this year, and I have shit in my fucking carotid arteries. So, Red Bean, you really do. I think C. O. Lee was right. I get checked every week, blood tested every six weeks. You get checked every week? I mean, I go to a doctor every week, and I get blood tested every six weeks. What, is it Dr. Pepper? What the fuck are we talking about right now? Who goes to a doctor every week? That should tell you how unhealthy you are if you have to go to the doctor every week.

Starting point is 02:00:47 People with cancer go like every two or three months. Jesus fucking Christ. You sound like when an alcoholic's like, I drink every day and I'm fine. What are you talking about? Dr. Liver King tells me I'm okay. Oh my goodness. I think it's pronounced Burger King, Red Band.

Starting point is 02:01:08 Okay. Red Band, no, see, I visit Red Band's mom every week, but I didn't really have time to say that. And it was weird, Red Band actually was with Liver King this past week when he was plotting against Rogan, so I think people need to know that. Red Band was the one telling his ass to go after Rogan, so I think people need to know that. What Band was the one telling his ass to go after Rogan. So I think people need to know that.

Starting point is 02:01:26 What an amazing twist. That came from Red Band. Liver King was staying at Red Band's place. He was not staying at the Four Seasons. Wow. That was not the Four Seasons. That was Red Band's downtown penthouse. Seriously, Red Band, you need to stop fucking around

Starting point is 02:01:39 with that guy. He got thrown in prison, dude. Wow. Misunderstood guy, man. Wow. Absolutely. He's an innocent guy? Is that what you just Wow. Misunderstood guy, man. Wow. Absolutely. He's an innocent guy? Is that what you just said?

Starting point is 02:01:48 Misunderstood. Oh, whoa. So William, absolutely incredible set, as always. Tell us more about what's been going on with you lately, other than the carotid artery, which is clogged. Clogged. I have a 200% chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years,

Starting point is 02:02:07 and I don't even know what 200% means. What does that mean? I only have five years to live? I don't know what that means. They said you have a 200% chance. 200% chance to die of a heart attack or stroke in the next 10 years, Tony. So I'm really at a weird place right now. I don't know what to do, Tony. We just had the break or whatever. I've been chilling.

Starting point is 02:02:27 I've been doing my puzzles, and I've just been relaxing, doing the row machine, because it's like I'm really, I'm probably gonna die soon. I'd lay off that row machine if your heart's fucked up. Yeah? Yeah, I would not exercise or do anything physical at all. Yeah, Joe DeRosa giving great advice. I mean, really, it's just incredible.

Starting point is 02:02:44 The amazing medical panel here that I've booked on Kill Tony. anything physical at all. Yeah, Joe DeRosa giving great advice. I mean, really, it's just incredible. The amazing medical panel here that I've booked on Kill Tony. The man's a ticking time bomb and he's doing a row machine? It's not a good idea. I'll die on the row machine, dumbass, and I'll be happy. I'll die happy. On the fucking row machine, Joe DeRosa! Ooh, there it is.

Starting point is 02:03:05 Whoa, Tony, I don't even know if I can yell anymore. That just made me lightheaded. These, uh... You're so red right now. Oh, stop. This is the statin talking right now. This is the statin talking right now. Wow, so have you felt side effects of the medicine?

Starting point is 02:03:21 Yeah. Tell us about them. Oh, what happened? Oh, my gosh. Well, my eyes are itchy, my freaking, uh... Side effects with William. My toes are going numb. Which, actually, last time my toes were going numb was when I was doing a bunch of cocaine, so that's weird. My toes are going numb.

Starting point is 02:03:40 Eyes are itching, my belly button, I cannot feel inside of it anymore. Ooh. Because I love... People don't know this, but I loveching, my belly button, I cannot feel inside of it anymore. Ooh. Because I love, people don't know this, but I love to put my little finger in my belly button when I'm trying to go to sleep, because it would hurt, but now I don't even feel this.

Starting point is 02:03:56 Oh, it's deep. Yeah, I got a deep belly button. Look, there's an indentation on your shirt where your belly button is, look at that. Yeah, this is what the trans woman's pussy looks like. Oh my God. See, you know what? Oh my God.

Starting point is 02:04:10 Oh my God. Yeah, it looks like my fucking belly button. It's like nasty and... But yeah, it's been fucking, that doesn't feel like anything. I'm not gonna bring up the doodooing thing because my father immediately messages me on Monday nights and says, you need to stop talking about that,

Starting point is 02:04:29 but there's something going on with that. There's something going on with that. Yes, but I'm working it out, but there's something going on with that, too. Your dad and I are friends. We have a relationship we communicate, and I'm going to override your father. We want to know what's going on

Starting point is 02:04:41 with your doo-doo situation this week. Really? You really care. I normally hate it when you talk about it as well, but for some reason, I'm curious. I'm still just not. It's like every other day. You're constipated. Yes. And what are you doing to fight this constipation? Prune juice. It's just a bunch of prune juice, but, uh...

Starting point is 02:04:57 What up? Okay, Red. Red Band squeezed his fart noise in there, everybody. That's also what his mom pussy shouted like last night. -♪ Wow. William lights out. More Monday night, Tony! -♪

Starting point is 02:05:16 Yeah, I'm kidding. What do you love about it? Huh? -♪ What do you love about Monday nights? Being here, being around friends. Wow. Being around friends, being around family,

Starting point is 02:05:35 being around all these nice people who always come to the shows, being around, uh, trans people. I actually got her fucking number. Wow. When she left, I made it a point to go from the green room back there to get her number, so... uh, trans people. I actually got her fucking number... Wow. ...when she left. I made it a point to go from the green room back there to get her number, so gonna be doing that later.

Starting point is 02:05:51 And, uh, just living life, Tony. Trying to have fun. Going down to Mexico. Bought Xanax bars in Mexico a couple nights ago. Very nice. To sell them here. Oh, you're selling Xanax tonight. Yeah, I'm selling Xanax again.

Starting point is 02:06:04 Wow. Yeah, yeah. But it's been so much fun, Tony. And yeah, I'm gonna die one of these days and just know that I love you. I love all y'all. It's been a lot of fun. And, you know, until that day comes, I'm gonna give it my all. We're gonna see how long I can keep on going. But it starts getting weird because you start thinking, your carotid artery has a bunch of plaque and a 200% chance of death in the next 10 years, so it starts getting weird. It is weird, but death is natural, you know?

Starting point is 02:06:35 My grandma lived to be 100 years old, and I remember the last thing that she, that she, that she left me. When she left me, she left me with bags and boxes. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:06:57 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:07:04 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. She left me. How about one more time for William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen. We've done it again. We absolutely did it again. One more time for the great Joe DeRosa. Joe DeRosa comedy on YouTube. The new special out July 21. Tim Butterly, The Tim Butterly Show. Metal Girl Solid. How loud can this place get? One more time for Jodorosa and Tim Butterly. Talkspace, PrizePix, Takovas, D. Madness, Michael Gonzalez, John Dease, Matt Mueling,

Starting point is 02:08:00 Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, and Carlos Sosa. Bags and boxes she left me. I may have just killed a woman. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. Love you guys! The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Thanks for watching! you Christopher Nolan, Bong Joon Ho, Sean Baker, they have all won the Academy Award for Best Director.

Starting point is 02:10:17 What else do they have in common? They all got their start at the Slamdance Film Festival, just like us. Hi, I'm Jana Gallagher. And I'm Michael Gallagher. And we're launching the Slamdance First Film Podcast. It's a weekly interview series where we sit down with your favorite filmmakers to get a mini masterclass in the secrets to making your first feature film. On the Slamdance First Film Podcast, you will listen to guests like filmmaker Sean Baker,

Starting point is 02:10:38 the writer and director of Enora, teach you how to make a movie for $3,000 with a two-person crew. Or listen to the Russo Brothers, directors of Avengers Endgame. Teach you about how melding minds with your collaborators can create exponential success. Subscribe to the Slamdance First Film podcast for free on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or wherever you're listening now.

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KILL TONY - #727 - JOE DEROSA + TIM BUTTERLY

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