KILL TONY - #728 - GREG FITZSIMMONS

Starting point is 00:00:00 Hey, this is Red Band and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.TV, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.TV for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Redback, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas. For our brand new episode of Kill Tony, give it up for Tony Hitchcock!

Starting point is 00:00:59 Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Make some noise for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. What's up? Yeah, and that is indeed keep it going for the best damn band in the land. Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Nachos Belgrande, Cheezy Chalupa, Michael Gonzalez on the drums. That's a big mic, everybody. Gets a little bit bigger every week.

Starting point is 00:01:34 How about Matt Mueling on the electric guitar? This is John Dease on the keys. And that is indeed D Madness, live in the flesh. You are here. KilToni, brought to you by Knit and Open Phone tonight. We have a lot of other amazing sponsors. Here's a little bit more from them before we start the greatest show on Earth. Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage and the new Rogers Stadium with Go Transit. Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fairs, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday, anywhere along the Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same

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Starting point is 00:02:42 at nofrills.ca. [♪ music playing, clapping, and clapping hands together. You guys ready to start tonight's show? Every single week, I book one or two of the funniest people in the world. This is a one guest episode because he's literally one of the best in the history of the show. For those of you that have been watching for the last 12 years, you will probably note that this guy is one of the record holders

Starting point is 00:03:14 for all-time appearances as a guest on the show. I grew up on this guy, listening to him on Howard Stern. When I started at the Comedy Store 18 years ago, I realized, wow, without a doubt, one of the best stand-up comedians on planet Earth. 12 years ago when we started the show, he began as a guest. He's back tonight. Ladies and gentlemen, let's see how loud this place can get

Starting point is 00:03:40 for the great and powerful Greg Fitzsimmons, everybody. One of the best. One of the best to ever do it. The great and powerful FitzDog.com for tickets. La Hoya Potsdown PA Point Pleasant, New Jersey. He is on tour. One of the best ever.

Starting point is 00:04:03 Greg Fitzsimmons. Hi, Greg. God, thank you, Tony. Good time to be here, Red Band. Nice to see you, the band. Let's fucking launch some dreams. Let's go. Or light up the suicide hotline. That is it.

Starting point is 00:04:18 That's what we love. We love that energy. Anything can happen. Sometimes we crush dreams, sometimes we amplify them. Absolutely anything can happen. 201 human beings signed up for tonight's show. A little bit of a light sign up, which I find interesting. People may have gone home for the Fourth of July or whatever,

Starting point is 00:04:37 now they're settling back in. But if I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds, something interrupted. You know their time is up and you hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview and I'm here with truly

Starting point is 00:04:54 one of my favorite people to sit on this show with, Greg Fitzsimmons and also Red Band is here. And that is it. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? We're gonna start it with a golden ticket winner to get us started everybody. And then we will get to the great bucket of destiny. But this guy won a golden ticket a couple years ago. Very, very, dewy.

Starting point is 00:05:18 You know him. You love him. High energy. This is Jack Shaw, everybody. A new minute from Jack Shaw. -♪ My dad's been really struggling with trans pronouns, but he finally got it right, dude. He said, I hate them.

Starting point is 00:05:41 It's like, fuck yeah, dad, good job. I like trans people, dude. I get it. I want a new dick too, man. I hate my dick, dude. I went to a drag show for the first time. Oh, my God, it was amazing, dude. I saw a lady put her foot in her butthole. I didn't even know that was an option.

Starting point is 00:06:14 You can do that. That's real. I came up with a great name for a Jewish drag queen. Would you like to hear it? I came up with a great name for a Jewish drag queen. Would you like to hear it? Oushtits. Thank you guys so much. Jack Shaw. Very fun, Jack.

Starting point is 00:06:42 Always fun to hear a new minute from you. Is that true? You talk with your dad about trans people? Oh, he can't stand them, dude. Let's talk about it. I find it all so interesting. He's still in Los Angeles, correct? That's right. So he's surrounded by them. Everywhere. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:06:56 And how does this come up? Does he see them and brings it up to you? He goes to Silverlake. He goes to Starbucks in Silverlake. Ah, wow. And he calls me, and he says, -"I hate it here." -"Yeah." It makes him so upset. and brings it up to you? He goes to Starbucks in Silver Lake. Ah, wow. And he calls me and he says, I hate it here. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:07:07 It makes him so upset. It makes him really angry. Yeah, that makes sense. Greg Fitzsimmons. Do they order the half calf when they're at Starbucks? Yeah, yeah. Right.

Starting point is 00:07:16 Right. Ah. Why do you think your dad goes to the Starbucks in Silver Lake? He likes just regular old Starbucks of all the coffee shops around Lake? He likes just regular old Starbucks of all the coffee shops around there. He stands by Starbucks. Yeah, he loves it. Very interesting. So interesting.

Starting point is 00:07:32 What does he get from there? Just a normal, burnt-ass, regular fucking nasty coffee? He gets an ice-shaking espresso, because my dad's a little girl. That's a pretty good drink, actually. It's so good. It's okay. You're a gay guy. Oh, my God. Jack, how dare you?

Starting point is 00:07:56 God damn it. You're about to start a whole new Holocaust. You keep that up. Now, do you really hate your dick? You said you hate your dick at one point during this set. Let's talk about it. I don't really hate my dick. It's a fine dick. Is it a fine dick? Now, describe what you mean by fine, exactly. Describe your dick for the millions of people watching. Right. So, have you guys seen a dick before?

Starting point is 00:08:18 It's sort of like that. Mm-hmm. I feel like if you had a nice dick, it would be the only really good part of your body. Yeah. You're just sort of mushy. I don't mean that in a mean way. You don't mean that in a mean way, asshole?

Starting point is 00:08:37 It's going after us tonight. Fuck you, dude. You look like you have AIDS. Oh, my God. Jack Schott. Hey, let me tell you something. Oh, my God. Jack Shaw. Hey, let me tell you something. Hey, you're wilting. Respect your... Well, let's just say I hang out at a Starbucks and... Respect your elders, Jack Shaw.

Starting point is 00:08:57 Well, he's so old, though. Oh, my goodness. How old am I? So old. That's it. That's it? old. That's it. That's it? Yeah, that's it. Wow.

Starting point is 00:09:11 How old are you? 59. Holy shit. Yeah. I was gonna say like 72. Oh my god. Jack, take it easy. I know.

Starting point is 00:09:21 I'm sorry. It's tough coming from a kid who dresses like he's in eighth grade. Yeah. It's all like that. Yeah. Right. Right. So Jack, what else is- Do you like the part of my pants that can hold a hammer?

Starting point is 00:09:33 Right, right. Yeah, that's the awesome thing. Dress like you have a job that you don't. It's always like work boots and a fucking trucker hat. Right. Jack, how's life going? Connect with us over here. What's going on in life? Like work boots and a fucking trucker hat. Right. Jack, how's life going? Connect with us over here. What's going on in life?

Starting point is 00:09:50 What's going on in life? My girlfriend and I did mushrooms together. Whoa, you seem like you'd be a fucking real fun guy to do mushrooms with. I had a bad time. Let's talk about it. Tell us all about it. I thought I had a pussy, dude. I swear to God.

Starting point is 00:10:06 We're finding out why you hate your dick real quick. Yeah. I got so scared, I swear to God. I thought it was a clitoris. Did you just do it at home? Did you go somewhere? We were at the beach. Which beach? In Ventura.

Starting point is 00:10:23 Oh, okay. Yeah. All right, so right on the ocean. That's where the beach. Which beach? Uh, in Ventura. Oh, okay. Yeah. All right, so right on the ocean. That's where the beach is. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha You got a real fucking attitude tonight, buddy. Yeah, it's a fun show. Since when do the Jews just shoot shots at everybody, every which direction, just attacking? It's kind of happening a lot.

Starting point is 00:10:52 To your left, to your right, everyone around you. When did the Jews start firing off missiles like this? Every fucking... I feel like we should help you with some of these. We should perhaps, as the true Americans, we should give you some weapons for you to fire off, and then you can just say what we give you. You're funding it, dude.

Starting point is 00:11:07 You're goddamn right. You guys are making this happen. You are right. So you're at the beach. Is your girlfriend Jewish, too? No, she's Christian. Oh, my God. Wow, do you ever talk about how your ancestors killed Jesus? Oh, all these times. We sometimes we role play.

Starting point is 00:11:26 Uh-huh. Yeah, she's Jesus and I'm everybody else. Wow. Incredible. Absolutely incredible. Well, fun times, Jack. You got the show started. Congratulations.

Starting point is 00:11:41 Welcome. You did it again. Golden ticket winner, Jack Shaw. And it has begun. And now we go to the bucket. This is where things get interesting. This is it. We're gonna meet this first bucket full all together.

Starting point is 00:11:54 Make some noise for Jesse Saldana. Jesse Saldana, perhaps. ["Jesse Saldana"] Yo, I recently realized I'm ready to be a dad, because I got this girl pregnant. But this was two years ago, right after Roe V. Wade got overturned. And she was like, I'm pregnant.

Starting point is 00:12:17 And I was like, well, we only got one choice, I guess. And I say it's the first time I realized I was ready to be a dad, because most of the time, I'm like, I'm pregnant. And I was like, well, we only got one choice, I guess. And I say it's the first time I realized I was ready to be a dad, because most of my ex-girlfriends have been Mexican girls, so I've had this conversation before, you know?

Starting point is 00:12:35 But this was the first time I was like, you know what, I got a good job, I got benefits. I didn't really know what those benefits were, but this old dude at work kept telling me, hey, the benefits are good here. I was like, man, you might be right. You've been here for 20 years, and this job sucks. So I told her all that, and she was like,

Starting point is 00:12:51 I'm not having your fucking kid. And I was like, oh, white girls are cool. And I live in Austin now. I've been telling people I moved to Austin for comedy, but the truth is, I just wanted to find a white girl who likes the same drugs I like. Yeah. Okay.

Starting point is 00:13:12 Jesse Saldana. Just kind of... just stopping. I thought... Welcome, Jesse. How long you been doing stand-up? Uh, eight years. Eight years. Wow. Where at? San Antonio? Houston. Houston. That was my next guess. Yeah. Same shit.

Starting point is 00:13:31 Absolutely. Absolutely. Uh, so what is it that you do for work? Um, I'm in sales. I sell, uh, showers. You sell showers? I go to old people's houses and tell them they need a new shower. Uh-huh. Just a different version of a pyramid scheme.

Starting point is 00:13:48 Okay. All right. Is there something special about your showers? They're cheap to make, expensive to sell. Okay. Pyramid scheme. Okay. I don't think you know what a pyramid scheme is.

Starting point is 00:14:06 Oh, I forgot. I'm supposed to tell my friends to sell showers with me. And then I get commission off of their sales. Okay. There you go. Now it makes sense. So let's talk about it. Jesse, what are the drugs that you like to do?

Starting point is 00:14:21 Weed and mushrooms. Okay. Yeah. Weed and mushrooms. You do that every day? Not mushrooms. Right. You smoke weed and mushrooms. Okay. Yeah. You do that every day? Not mushrooms. Right. You smoke weed every day. Oh, yeah.

Starting point is 00:14:29 Okay. You do this while selling showers? After, you know what I mean? Okay, yeah. Now I know what you mean. Yeah. Because you told me. Yeah, I know exactly what that means.

Starting point is 00:14:39 Smoking weed after work. Yeah, I got that. Like a normal person. Yeah. You could do, conceivably do both. Like a normal person. Yeah. You could do, conceivably do both. You could get high and then sell showers. You think it would mess you up a little bit? Yeah, it's hard to talk to old people when you're high.

Starting point is 00:14:54 Speak for yourself. So, this whole thing, do you have a girlfriend now? Mexican girls, white girls you talked about? No, yeah, I'm with a white woman now. You're with a white woman now. How long have you been with her? Like two years. Where'd you meet her at?

Starting point is 00:15:09 Here, in Austin. But where in Austin, exactly? I don't know, some coffee shop that sells weed. A coffee shop that sells weed? Yeah. Okay. And did you approach her? She went up to you?

Starting point is 00:15:23 Well, here's the thing about that weed. Uh-huh. I don't really remember how we met. I just know it happened at that place, like, two years ago around. So romantic. Yeah, it's... What a great guy. You know what I mean?

Starting point is 00:15:41 Incredible. So, uh, and now you guys live together? How do you know that? I don't. I'm asking you a question. We are on a live show right now. I did not... It sounded like a... Like, like, uh... I don't even know. Damn. Did you get high before this? A rhetorical question, man.

Starting point is 00:15:58 Did you get high right before this? I didn't think my name was gonna get pulled, so... That's a classic thing we hear here from a lot of people. No one knows that their name's gonna get pulled. Little fun fact about the show, it'd be a whole different show if they did. The whole bucket would be pointless. I would've been ready to do one minute.

Starting point is 00:16:18 Yep. And instead you did 56 seconds and stopped talking completely. Yep. So eight years in the business, was that like your best material you think? Or is that like some new stuff you're working on? That was just the shortest. I tell a lot of stories.

Starting point is 00:16:36 Ooh. Yeah. A lot of stories, huh? A lot of stories. With long setups. Yep. It takes a while to get to them. Cut all of that.

Starting point is 00:16:45 Mm-hmm. And I was like, well, I can talk about this time I got this random girl pregnant. Did you really? So that's a true story. I wish it wasn't. Right. And did she got an abortion? Yeah, you know, there's still other ways to do that.

Starting point is 00:17:00 Explain to us exactly what you mean. So, you can order these pills from Mexico that take care of it. Ooh, wow. How exciting. Tide pods, right, or whatever those are. See, the white boys were onto Tide Pods early. So you ordered basically Mexican Plan B?

Starting point is 00:17:26 Yeah, it works way later than Plan B does. Works way later. I mean, doesn't it take like a month to find out you're pregnant? I don't know how this works. Wow, Greg. You take it so late, you actually give it to the baby. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:17:42 Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Psh. Psh. Psh. Psh. Yeah. That's a Mexican Plan B. Psh.

Starting point is 00:17:49 Psh. Psh. Psh. Plan C. Yep. Psh. Psh. Psh.

Starting point is 00:17:56 Psh. Psh. Plan C means you're keeping it. This is Plan Null. Psh. Psh. Psh. Psh.

Starting point is 00:18:03 Psh. Yeah. Oh my God. So it works a lot later than American Plan B. Yeah, you know, we do things different down there. Okay. All right. And you ordered it, and it came in the mail. Uh, not exactly. I mean, there was still some smuggling involved.

Starting point is 00:18:16 Okay, so you actually had a friend or someone go get it. I didn't know that guy, but... man in a parking lot, and I was like, man, this feels like old school. Okay, so you actually had a friend or someone go get it. I didn't know that guy, but... man in a parking lot, and I was like, man, this feels like old drug deals. It felt good. Probably was. Do you know what the... what it...

Starting point is 00:18:33 exactly what it's called? No. Fentanyl? I don't know what it was. All right. She's white. She found it, you know? White girls are good at finding pills. Mm All right. She's white. She found it, you know? Okay. White girls are good at finding pills.

Starting point is 00:18:47 Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. And this current girlfriend of yours, she's white. Oh, yeah, but she's not like that. When you say she's not like that, what do you mean exactly? Like, she's not white trash. So if you got her pregnant, what would happen? Oh, we ain't get... No, we're safe.

Starting point is 00:19:05 Like, we... When you say you're safe, what do you mean? You know, pulling out. You pull out. What do you think I meant? Like, y'all know what I meant. All right. You're checking in with them? What are you... Like...

Starting point is 00:19:22 You think I'm out of touch? You think I don't know think I'm out of touch? You think I don't know what I'm doing over here? I don't know. I heard some stories about you. I bet you did. I bet you did. OK.

Starting point is 00:19:35 So I mean, where do we even go from here? My dear friend, Jesse Saldana. That's how you spell your name, Jesse, with an I? Yeah. I asked my mom why she spelled my name like that, and she said the nurse spelled it wrong and they just didn't fix it. Holy shit.

Starting point is 00:19:52 Hey man, I was born in Dallas in 1987. My mom did not want to correct the white nurse, you know? Okay. She don't speak English. That's how it was. All right, Jesse. What else? You have any hobbies or anything? Damn. They gave me the cop siren. I used to be a juvenile probation officer. Really? Yeah.

Starting point is 00:20:14 Okay. Why don't you do that anymore? My criminal record. Ooh. What exactly is your criminal record? Uh, this tree popped up out of nowhere on my way home. The what popped up? A tree. A tree?

Starting point is 00:20:29 Yeah. And you'd been drinking and driving? I mean, that's what they said. Damn. You totaled your car? Yeah. Do you remember what happened at all? Um, I mean, I woke up and there was a bunch of trees,

Starting point is 00:20:42 and then there wasn't. Yeah. Your people love cutting down trees any way that you possibly can. All right, Jesse, here's a little joke book. Congratulations. You got pulled out of the bucket. You did it. On to the next one. Jesse Saldana. -♪ Da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da Oh, my God. You know what that sound means. It is indeed the lovely Heidi, everybody. Oh, God.

Starting point is 00:21:09 Boy, that Jesse. It started, it was like a shower. It started hot, got kind of cold, and then went right down the drain. Yes, it did. Real fast. Some people are hyper aware tonight. They seemed sensitive tonight.

Starting point is 00:21:23 Both Jesse and Jack Schafer. They were drain. Yes, it did. Real fast. Some people are hyper-aware tonight. They seem sensitive tonight. Both Jesse and Jack Shaw on the defensive, ready to go. Did you guys understand what I was talking about? How does he not know what I mean? Everybody's like, no! That's gotta suck. All right, your next comedian out of the bucket

Starting point is 00:21:46 goes by the name of Alex Hurtline, or Hurtline Alex. Da-da, da-da-da. Hell yeah, dude. All right, so real quick, I just want to address this shit going on. Uh, because whenever I do stand-up, most people are wondering why I look like my mom

Starting point is 00:22:07 after she burnt dinner. Yeah, it's a... it's just a birthmark. My mom's fine. Uh, my dad would never hit my mom in the face, okay? Only... only in the stomach when she was pregnant with me. That's how it happened. Uh... Yeah, but when people find out it's a birthmark,

Starting point is 00:22:27 they usually hit me with something like, pardon me, Zuko. What was it like growing up part soccer ball? And, uh, you know, obviously, I got bullied and shit quite a bit. But, uh, dude, my childhood was actually way harder for my dad, bro. He got falsely accused of child abuse a lot.

Starting point is 00:22:47 Yeah, every day. Sir, why'd you give your four-year-old the smoke? Like, dude, I remember this one lady was yelling at him so badly that, like, my little kid brain didn't know how to process it. So I would just shake in fear like Gordon Ramsay's wife when he's about to go down on her. Well, thank you.

Starting point is 00:23:10 First question, Alex. Why would Gordon Ramsay's wife be scared before? Oh shit, I see the thing now. Oh my God, Jesus Christ. The Phantom of Keltonia has arrived. Holy shit. So that's just your normal face. Unfortunately.

Starting point is 00:23:28 Well, no, I think it's got a little style to it. Thank you, dude. I think it's great. Elliot. It's awesome. From the... You should have just stayed facing the audience the whole time, and this would have gone a lot better for you.

Starting point is 00:23:40 Uh, no, it's great. It's great, Alex. Nobody even notices. Um... First question. a lot better for you. No, it's great. It's great, Alex. Nobody even notices. Um... First question, why would Gordon Ramsay's wife be scared if he's going down on her? I mean, he fucking gets pissed when it tastes bad, like any food.

Starting point is 00:23:55 Oh, okay. You should say that part that gets a laugh and applause and stuff. You should say that. It's probably gonna help instead of people just confused, like, what's wrong with Wolfgang Gordon Ramsey's whatever. So Alex, how long you been doing standup? Oh, like two and a half years.

Starting point is 00:24:13 Two and a half years. Where at here? Mostly Denver. Denver? Oh yeah. Okay, that's where you're from. Yep. All right. And what do you do for work?

Starting point is 00:24:24 For work right now, I'm a porter at a dealership. So I take the cars that they're working on, take them to the bays, shit like that. They keep you away from the customers, like the hunchback of Notre Dame. You're just kind of like the behind the scenes guy. Keep the monster away from the can't sell cars with the freak out here.

Starting point is 00:24:45 Anyway, do girls like it, Alex? What's your love life like? Girls like it if their relationship with their dad is bad, but other than that, not really. Mm-hmm. Yeah, I kind of get a lot of O's when they turn around after I say hi. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 00:25:02 Yeah, kind of like how this, yeah, just silence, waiting for further explanation. I think the bucket hat's more aggressive than the birthmark, to be honest with you. What do you got under there? What are you dealing with? You're like... Oh. Yeah, look at that. You're like... This is like when a...

Starting point is 00:25:18 when the nerdy girl takes off her glasses at the end of a rom-com or something like that. Oh, Jack Schripper. Yeah, you're not a bad-looking guy. You're like if Gordon Ryan never tried sports or anything like that. Nobody knows that reference. He's a jujitsu guy.

Starting point is 00:25:33 Okay, so Alex, what do you do for fun? For fun, I played hockey growing up, so normally I would do, like, beer league in Denver, but then I moved here and realized that there was, like, no ice rinks. Right. So, there's that. I also used to, like, be super into entrepreneurship.

Starting point is 00:25:52 Uh-huh. What happened with that? I just, uh, I don't know. I felt like my ideas were a little too retarded. Mm-hmm. Like, I would go door-to-door selling no soliciting signs. That's great. Like, I would go door-to-door selling no-soliciting signs. That's great. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:26:11 And it didn't work for you? I made, like, $500, but it was, like, really bad quality signs. It looked like a fucking, like, dive bar restroom sign, but it was just the no-soliciting little stick-figure guy with that fucking no through him. You made 500 bucks. How many hours or days did you do this? I did it for like probably consistently, like a month, probably like six hours a day,

Starting point is 00:26:34 selling each for 20 bucks after I bought them for a dollar. It could have been good, but I kind of just gave up because I just, it was not worth. Sounds like a real pyramid scheme to me. Yeah. Yeah. That's actually a real good joke, though. Like, selling no-soliciting signs door-to-door. That's fucking funny.

Starting point is 00:26:54 Thank you. Yeah. Red band. I've been struggling with the writing part of it. Like, I've attempted, but it never goes well. Like, dead silence whenever I, like, try something, but it never goes well. Like dead silence whenever I like try something, but working on it. So that's kind of got like hair all over it? Yeah, dude, it's...

Starting point is 00:27:12 You have to shave it regularly? I've been shaving since I was three months old, dude. Wow. Yeah. How often do you have to shave it? Uh, to like not scare people, probably a week. And you got to go like all the way to under your eye and then down kinda? Yeah, kind of.

Starting point is 00:27:28 You see it? Face that way for a second. It's really weird. This way? Oh shit, fuck yeah. Yeah. That's a whole thing. So yeah, it's like, for some reason,

Starting point is 00:27:36 like it has kind of a built-in fade. It's like way shorter up here and it gets super long down here. Do barbers charge you extra for that? Oh, no. They, like, try to do it as, like, charity. Yeah. Yeah. No, I was just gonna say my testicles the same way.

Starting point is 00:27:53 It's a little... But have you considered this, just a thought, just spitballing, you're a hockey player. Have you ever just told a woman, I got a black eye, and then hope that after a few weeks, she likes you enough that hockey player, have you ever just told a woman, I got a black eye and then hope that after a few weeks she likes you enough that you go, by the way, it's permanent. I tried once in high school and she got weirded out that it just stayed there forever.

Starting point is 00:28:17 But I mean, yeah, I don't know. They usually like get more freaked out by the hair. It's almost like they don't even notice like the genuine obvious dark spot. Have you thought about growing it out and braiding it? Dying it red, attaching an eyeball? Slightly. No, dude, no bullshit.

Starting point is 00:28:35 It takes so long, like towards my eye, to like actually get length. It takes like two months. I've tried. Interesting. Yeah. And what's underneath there? Is it firm?

Starting point is 00:28:44 Is it soft? I thought it was cancer. It didn And what's underneath there? Is it firm? Is it soft? Oh, I thought it was cancer. It didn't used to always be like pregnant. When did that start? Like when I was 20, roughly. How old are you now? I'm 23.

Starting point is 00:28:54 Wow. Okay. So there's still time. There is. Interesting. I wonder what our friend Dr. Pimple Popper would say about this. Can you get laser hair removal from that? Yeah, I actually spent like the first five years of my life

Starting point is 00:29:06 going to, like, a laser removal doctor, because this shit used to be all the way down to my mouth, and if I didn't get it, like, fixed, I wouldn't have been able to eat without biting my face. This is, uh... absolutely unbelievable. Uh... You know, a lot of people say that this show

Starting point is 00:29:27 just has a bunch of handicapped, creepy people on it. Then here comes fucking half a monkey boy walking out. Incredible. Did you get bullied for it a lot as a kid? Oh, 100%, yeah. What's the meanest thing anybody ever said to you, or how did they negatively affect your life? Let's relive it real quick in front of millions of people.

Starting point is 00:29:49 Sorry, I'm trying to think of, like, the best one. Chocolate chip cookie got to me. Oh, yeah, that's a rough one. Uh... That's the monkey noise from 45 seconds ago, everybody. Chocolate chip cookie's a rough one. It is brutal. Yeah. And chip cookies, a rough one, yeah. It is brutal.

Starting point is 00:30:06 And then another, it was like, oh, he's such a pussy and avoids fights because if he got hit in his other eye, he would look like a raccoon. That was a banger. Yeah, that's a banger. It really is. I'll tell you what.

Starting point is 00:30:21 Here's a medium-sized joke book. Hell yeah. There you go. Alex Hurtline. Hell yeah. There he goes. One more time for Alex, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace.

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Starting point is 00:31:22 that is the right fit for your needs, typically within 48 hours. So you can also switch providers at no extra cost. Interesting. Talkspace makes getting the help convenient because you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home. And as a listener of this podcast,

Starting point is 00:31:39 you'll get $80 off your first month with Talkspace when you go to talksspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space eight zero. That's S-P-A-C-E eight zero to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space eight zero now. It's a real freak show so far.

Starting point is 00:32:03 Here we go. Let's keep it going. Make some noise. This is a minute uninterrupted for A.J. Iglesias. A.J. Iglesias. What's going on, guys? My name is A.J. Iglesias. I know that confuses some of you

Starting point is 00:32:17 because my face says Trump supporter, but the name says ICE Detention Center. Um, what an awkward ICE raid that's gotta be. They knock on my door, they open it up, and I'm like, hey, what's going on, man? They're like, sir, he's white. And, like, I still get arrested, not because I'm Mexican, because they found the mushrooms on my coffee table,

Starting point is 00:32:36 you know what I mean? Honestly, like, the only way a guy like me gets any work nowadays is if I, like, stand outside of a Home Depot and pray to God somebody needs a half-pipe built, you know? I don't just do half-pipes. I do stairs too, man. Confuses all my jobs, man. It's fucking awesome. Like, I work a lot of labor jobs. They think they're getting some hard work in Mexico,

Starting point is 00:32:58 and then my big dumb white ass shows up like, hey, what's going on? Can I vape in here? Is that cool with you guys? No, just, all right, cool. Yeah, yeah, most definitely. You guys are fun, man. I like you guys. This is really cool.

Starting point is 00:33:15 Fuck, that's my set. My name is AJ Iglesias. Thank you all so much. AJ Iglesias. Am I saying that right? Iglesias? The H is silent. The H is silent?

Starting point is 00:33:24 The first letter of your last name is silent? So you go by Iglesias? The H is silent. The H is silent? The first letter of your last name is silent? So you go by Iglesias? Yes, sir. Okay. Yeah. Different than Inglesias. Right? Yeah. No, it's not Inglesias, it's Iglesias, but I try not to say it with an accent

Starting point is 00:33:36 because people are just like, you shouldn't do that. Are you 100% Latino? No, I'm half. My dad's Mexican. My mom is very white. Yeah, very, very white. Very, very, very white. Very, very, very white. That's incredible. So are they still together? No. Why do you think I'm up here? Oh, yeah, that makes sense.

Starting point is 00:33:51 Yeah. Um, how old were you when they separated? Um, I was seven years old. Okay. Yeah. There we are. He manages to laugh at it. He's like, fuck yeah, I love divorce. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:34:04 He's just happy that he couldn't see the last guy's face. Oh, shit. So, AJ, let's talk about it. How long you been doing stand-up comedy? Uh, I've been doing stand-up comedy, like, off and on for the last nine years since I was about 19. Wow. Yeah. Nine years.

Starting point is 00:34:18 Yeah. What do you do for work? I am a software tester for self-driving cars here in Austin. Wow. Not Waymo. Zuke's. Shout out, I guess. OK.

Starting point is 00:34:29 What's the difference between Zuke and Waymo? They're Amazon-owned. And I guess they're building a fully autonomous car with four people in it and no steering wheel. It's like a fully like, yeah, it's kind of, yeah. I mean, you should know. You're the guy, right? Yeah, but like the cars we have are different.

Starting point is 00:34:47 We're like in Toyota Highlanders and like the robot's coming like in the next year or so. So we're just making sure it doesn't crash, you know? The robot's coming. The robot is gonna be coming and it's gonna be coming hard. Wow. Yeah. All right. For some reason, I'm hard as a rock right now.

Starting point is 00:35:02 Yeah. AJ, what's your love life like? Uh, kind of bad. Um, yeah. I just got recently broken up with. Why? Why did she break up with you? Um, I don't think she liked Texas. I moved her from California, where I'm originally from,

Starting point is 00:35:17 obviously, and, uh, yeah, she spent two months here and was like, I want to leave, and I was like, oh, damn. I, like, made my apartment all nice for her, you know, like, made it, like, lady-friendly, here and was like, I want to leave. And I was like, oh, damn. I like made my apartment on a nice floor, you know, like made it like lady friendly. And then she left. Let's talk about it real quick. What do you mean by lady friendly? You lowered the toilet seat?

Starting point is 00:35:35 Yeah, like I put like shelves in the shower and shit. Like I bought her like a vanity to put in the bathroom. Like she games. So like I got her like a gaming desk and stuff. And now I just have like a nicer a vanity to put in the bathroom. Like, she games, so, like, I got her, like, a gaming desk and stuff. And now I just have, like, a nicer apartment. So... It's pretty sick. Very interesting. How long ago was this breakup? Uh, it was, uh, like, the beginning of the year, I think.

Starting point is 00:35:54 Like, yeah, it was, like, January-ish. And she went back to California and doesn't talk to you at all anymore. She still does talk to me, actually. So you guys have, like, a kind of a long-distance thing going on? Not really at all. Like, I think she doesn't even like men. So that was a real blow to the ego. That's the type of woman that would move back to California.

Starting point is 00:36:12 A lesbian. Yeah. Takes a real lesbo to leave Texas for California. She's right now at a Starbucks in Silver Lake, assuredly. Sitting next to Jack's angry Jew dad. Well, he scoffs at the lesbian antics. So, you thought that a woman would like shelves in a shower. It's funny how this episode's kind of like all repeating itself.

Starting point is 00:36:39 Nice. Um, okay. So, shelves in a shower, a gaming desk. Well, it's just like a regular desk to set up her games and stuff. When she left, what made you think that she's a lesbian? Can you explain? Oh, she, uh, told me.

Starting point is 00:36:54 Wow. Yeah, like, um... Yeah, uh, I went to go buy her a bong because she likes to smoke weed, and I got, like, you know, bought her a bong and, like, some candy that she likes. And then she's like, I like women. And I'm like, sick. Yeah, it's never good if you buy your girlfriend a bong

Starting point is 00:37:10 and she just sits on it. It's never a good sign. It isn't. It never is. So did she ever try to, like, did you ever, like, did you always have long hair like that? Um, yeah. No, well, for the last, like, you know, two years or so. Did she ever try to, like, put your legs over your head

Starting point is 00:37:25 and eat where your pussy would be? No. Did you ever get hints that she was into lesbian type of stuff in the bedroom? She liked being on top a lot, so, like, maybe that could have been a sign. Hmm. Yeah. Yeah, that was about it.

Starting point is 00:37:38 She didn't try to eat my boy pussy, so... Which I was a little offended that she didn't want to, but then again, you know... Makes sense. It would make sense, yeah. Yep. It's not a good time down there. Did you try to, like, have another girl come in in the bedroom, you know, when you found out? No, no, she kind of just dropped the news,

Starting point is 00:37:52 and she's like, I fly out in two weeks, and that was, like, the most awkward two weeks of my fucking life, because I live in a studio, so we're, like, on top of each other, literally. Yeah. Yeah. She's on top of you. Greg Fitzsimmons. Well, I...

Starting point is 00:38:04 Look, there's a lot. there's a lot to unpack. I'm still getting over it. There was a guy up here with a hairy baseball on the side of his face a minute ago. I saw that guy and I thought it was like an injury. I'm still a little distracted, yeah. Yeah. But, um-

Starting point is 00:38:16 We're punching people in the face if they do bad tonight. Oh, it's a whole new episode. A whole new level of Kiltonia. Would you consider going under the knife to get this woman back and becoming a woman? Great question. Cutting off your dick and adding the rest of the tits that you have on your chest.

Starting point is 00:38:30 You know, I feel like this is enough, I thought. I like having a dick. It's really awesome. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It comes in handy. So I wouldn't get rid of that, nah. And what about the hair that you have all over your t-shirt in the back? Is that, you're covered in your own hair. I know, it's crazy.

Starting point is 00:38:46 I know. Do you think the grooming might have had something to do with it? Probably, I think. Yeah. I'm like a cat, so she was just finding hair all over her, you know what I mean? It was terrible. You have a cat? I don't.

Starting point is 00:38:59 It's just me. Oh. Oh. You're like a cat. She does. Yeah. What's a fun fact about your life that you think makes you different than other people? God, the only fun fact is like people don't believe

Starting point is 00:39:11 I'm Mexican and that's part of my set. Do you ever communicate with your dad? I do. You guys are like talk on the phone? Oh yeah, yeah. He's still in California? No, he just recently like retired early. He sold his house in California, bought an RV and and he's, like, touring the country right now.

Starting point is 00:39:26 Just him and his wife. Oh, avoiding ice. That's what that's called, everybody. Just touring the country right now. Retired and touring. Just on the run. Yeah. Okay. All right, AJ. Well, fun times.

Starting point is 00:39:43 Here's a medium-sized jokebook, buddy. There you go. AJ Iglesias, ladies and gentlemen. Good news. We have a special treat for you, everybody. We got through a few wild bucket pulls. And now it is time for one of the greatest Golden Ticket winners in the history of the show. She is from Nashville, Tennessee. She is an absolute savage.

Starting point is 00:39:52 Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful Fiona Collins. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman.

Starting point is 00:40:00 She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is a great and powerful woman. She is from Nashville, Tennessee. She is an absolute savage. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the great and powerful Fiona Hello? Hello. I just got back from France. Yeah, they let me over there.

Starting point is 00:40:32 Um... No, it was pretty funny. I got there and had to Uber from the airport to the hotel, and my fiance was with me, and our Uber driver was like this really hot French man. Okay? And I thought he was hitting on me, and I was really excited to turn down this French guy

Starting point is 00:40:59 in front of my fiance. I kinda need that emotionally. Um... And then he goes, I just really love your voice. Which, as y'all can imagine, isn't really a compliment I get often. Yeah. No.

Starting point is 00:41:20 And then he goes, yeah, I'm learning English, so... Yeah. Yeah. You talk so slow. It's... So helpful. And, like, y'all, I am already humbled. You know what I mean? Like, God took care of it.

Starting point is 00:41:43 I don't need this man. My point is Duolingo can suck my dick. Um... Duolingo can suck my wee-wee or what. Thank you. Fiona Colley. There you go. That's how it's done.

Starting point is 00:42:01 Whoo! Fiona, Fiona, Fiona. Fantastic. You've done it again. How's life going? Really good. I, uh, I went on my bachelorette party. Oh, shit.

Starting point is 00:42:17 Yeah. What's that like? Um, it was kind of stressful deciding what to do because life is full of walking activities. Yeah. Yes. What did you settle on? I figured it out. We went to a Dollywood, like, this theme park because sitting, number one.

Starting point is 00:42:38 We all love it. I'm the best. And it's the only place that I get, like, to cut lines and perks for being disabled. So that was good. What kind of perks do you get for being disabled? The fast pass. Ooh, hell yeah. And these are like rides and stuff?

Starting point is 00:42:56 Yes. Greg Fitzsimmons? Just the cruel irony that they call it the fast pass. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. That's gotta hurt. So what kind of rides are there? Just like really fast up and down. It's like a theme park, amusement park.

Starting point is 00:43:17 You've never been to Dollywood? No, have you been to Dollywood? Hell yeah, it's great. It's really fun. It's an amusement park. Yeah, yeah. Tents everywhere. It's really fun. It's an amusement park. Yeah, yeah. It was my first. You've been to Dollywood in Tennessee?

Starting point is 00:43:29 Yeah. You made that trip? Yeah, we're from Ohio. That was like our Disney world was Dollywood. Well, we also had Cedar Point. I know. The world's greatest amusement park. Kings Island.

Starting point is 00:43:41 Geauga Lake, famously. Dolly World. We were spoiled. Hershey's. And you went all the way to Dolly? Dolly World. Dolly World. World. Hey, they also have, like, really good food there, so I get it.

Starting point is 00:43:50 Would you have, like, a powdered sugar-covered thing? A hot dog, yeah. A hot dog. Yeah. Yeah. Perfect. That's how Red Band likes his hot dogs. That's fun.

Starting point is 00:44:08 So a bunch of chicks showed up and you guys went to Dolly World. Yeah, I got, Dolly Wood. Dolly Wood. Okay. Red Band corrected me to Dolly World and now we're back. We're back. I don't know why I listen to him. I rarely do. Took a chance on him and that's where it got me.

Starting point is 00:44:24 Now I'm a fucking idiot in front of millions of people. It's the bean all over again. It's the fucking bean all over again. Dollywood, Dollyworld. God damn. I did shrooms. Ooh, everybody's talking about mushrooms this episode. It's a mushroom heavy episode.

Starting point is 00:44:44 So let's talk about it. How did the mushrooms hit you? Oh, my God. I don't deal with drugs well, okay? But I did dreams at Dollywood, which... Yeah, something is wrong with me, okay? Really scary. I forgot that, like, I'm on the show sometimes. Mm-hmm. And so I'm, like, fully peeking. Mm-hmm.

Starting point is 00:45:08 And this guy comes up to me, and he's like, Oh, my God, can I get a photo? And I was like, why? Yeah. Why me? Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. I got my friends that ratted me out. Yeah. Oh, that's so funny. I thought my friends had ratted me out.

Starting point is 00:45:25 Yeah. Yeah. So what was the highlight? Just fun rides? Was it a good bachelorette party? Yeah, it didn't throw up. That was fun. That was good.

Starting point is 00:45:33 I did a lot of shrooms in multiple days. I don't do shrooms. Now you do. Yeah. I was, um, I had a coke face. Oh, okay. Wow. We're just like, oh, you're a little bit of a...

Starting point is 00:45:41 I'm a little bit of a... I'm a little bit of a... I'm a little bit of a... I'm a little bit of a... I'm a little bit of a... I'm a little bit of a... I'm a little bit of a... I'm a little bit of a... in multiple days. I don't douche room. Now you do. Yeah, I was, um... I had a coke phase. Oh, okay, wow. We're just having a little confessional here tonight. Tell us about this coke phase.

Starting point is 00:45:54 What was that like? It was in college, in my, like, walker era. Okay? Ah. The old speed walking. Yeah. I did coke for the first time, and I'm not fucking kidding. I started doing cartwheels.

Starting point is 00:46:12 Oh, wow. And I could, like, run by myself, and I was so convinced that this was, like, the most modern medicine. I told my neurologist, I was like, you gotta try this shit, okay? It is unbelievable. That's amazing.

Starting point is 00:46:37 Yeah, and he was like, no, that's like really cool, but you have a heart problem, so. Imagine if that was the cure. And Jerry Lewis shows up with a pound of coke and gets it to all the kids, and they just all get up and start fucking dancing. Psst. -♪

Starting point is 00:46:56 -♪ Wow, perfect music for that situation. Really painted the picture there, Red Band. Gave us a nice texture for those of you just listening and not watching to the podcast. Wow, so fun. So the highlights of the Bachelorette party were mushrooms and Fastpass. Yes, yeah. And to get the FastPass as a disabled person, they bring you in this little office,

Starting point is 00:47:30 and they question you. I'm not getting to prove you're disabled enough. And I was like, me? What are we doing? And one of the questions was, do you have the upper body strength to, like, hold yourself in place? And I was like, this fucking cunt.

Starting point is 00:47:53 Like, of course... Like, what a dumb fucking question. I did not, okay? I almost died on every ride. Yeah. A lot of slippage. I had to go back and apologize to her. I don't remember it,

Starting point is 00:48:10 because I had a concussion, but, like... Ha-ha. It was good. You're so funny, Fiona. We love you. Another new minute from Fiona Colley, ladies and gentlemen. She's done it again.

Starting point is 00:48:28 A superstar. How about a hand for Heidi, everybody? Isn't it something? A perfect human specimen. Hello there. This podcast is sponsored by Tachovis. A perfect human specimen. it to your feet to pull on a pair of Tacovas because being confident isn't about being different it's about being yourself. You can find comfort in the traditions of the West and confidence from making it your own. Tacovas even offers professional grade work boots that will bring comfort and timeless

Starting point is 00:49:17 style to the job site. Oh man. Tony I love my Tacovas. They're the most comfortable boots I've ever worn, period. Beyond boots, Tacovas also offers a wide selection of men's and women's apparel, bags, and fine leather goods. They even have slip-ons and sandals. Plus, with Tacovas, best in the West guarantee,

Starting point is 00:49:37 you get free returns and exchanges for 30 days. Right now, get 10% off at tacovas.com slash kill Tony when you sign up for email and text that's 10% off at T E C O V A S dot com slash kill Tony tocovas.com slash kill Tony see safer details tocovas point your toes West. All right back to the bucket we go. I gotta say this looks like one of the most fun names I've pulled in a long time.

Starting point is 00:50:08 I know a good name when I see one. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Sir Winston Pickles, everybody. Sir Winston Pickles. Oh yes, let's go. ["Sir Winston Pickles"] Wow. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 00:50:22 Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.

Starting point is 00:50:42 Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow. Wow.m. in the morning. Well, 5.22 this morning. LAUGHTER Whenever she goes jogging, I like to drive slowly behind her with my headlights off. LAUGHTER

Starting point is 00:50:59 You know, just to make sure she's safe. Well, you have to. There's some fucking weirdos out there in the morning. I've been reading this Diana book and... I find it difficult to comprehend it's been over 30 years, well, almost 30 years, since the world tragically lost what I believe, anyway, to be the most beautiful Mercedes-Benz ever made. Thank you. My name's Sir Winston Pickles.

Starting point is 00:51:43 You've been wonderful. Sir Winston Pickles, let the fun begin. Holy shit. I love everything about you, Sir Winston Pickles. Welcome, welcome, welcome to the show. I genuinely laughed throughout your entire set. That was amazing. How long have you been performing on stage?

Starting point is 00:52:02 Ten years as a clown, six years as stand-up. Okay. Okay. Okay. So the last six you've been doing stand-up as a clown, but ten as a clown. What were you doing the first four? You don't seem like you'd be very good at children's parties or anything like that.

Starting point is 00:52:15 No. There's still a few of those missing there. Ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, shh. I love it. I love it. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha We'll see how you like this Texas heat. I see that makeup's gonna be running any day now. Well welcome, welcome. Where, how long were you in Florida for? Ten years. Ten years. I had enough. Right, exactly. And so what do you do most of the time? How do you, what is a guy like Sir Winston Pickles up to when he's not? A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Okay, let's talk about it. that he's not a fan of. What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of?

Starting point is 00:53:05 What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of?

Starting point is 00:53:13 What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of?

Starting point is 00:53:21 What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? What does he do when he's not a fan of? That seems like it would be a hit. Yes. I mean, it gives people some real fucking nightmares on their Ring doorbell camera. Just freak people the hell out. Seems like a blast. Sir Winston Pickles, how much time do you think you have?

Starting point is 00:53:38 How much material do you think you have of that par that you just did for that minute? I do 20 minutes. I've been a feature in Florida. Amazing, Greg Fitzsimmons. I'm just, it's hard to make fun of a guy who, you know, you're just kind of in awe of. Yeah. I mean, I think you're hilarious.

Starting point is 00:53:57 Like, I like to shit on people because they suck and I just think you're very good, so I'm speechless. Well, thank you. I agree. I agree. I agree, Sir Winston Pickles. I like your style a lot. In fact, I think, you know, why don't you just do a little more time?

Starting point is 00:54:18 Why don't you do another minute or two? I want to hear more of Sir Winston Pickles. You guys want to hear some more material from Sir Winston Pickles? I mean, I'm just going to let you take over, Sir Winston. Feel free to shoot a fucking 20-minute special right now. Oh. Hold on one second. Can I get the... Can we do the solo light on Sir Winston Pickles?

Starting point is 00:54:41 Oh, yeah, let's do that. Oh! on Sir Winston Pickles. Yeah, let's do that. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've been having a lot of issues with my neighbours. Especially the neighbour next door. His carbon monoxide alarm kept me awake all last night. All night. Of course, I confronted him about it. The next day I knocked on his door, said, Trevor, are you coming out? What's going on last night?

Starting point is 00:55:15 He, er... No answer, no. LAUGHTER That's a dick move, that is. LAUGHTER That's a dick move, that is. LAUGHTER I used to work on a circus on a cruise ship. Met some great people. Met my first wife, the bearded lady. She wasn't part of the circus, no, she was from Maine. Thank you.

Starting point is 00:55:48 Better great guy than human cannonball. Great guy, do anything for anyone. Always went the extra mile. Actually, that's how we lost him at sea. There's no finding him either because he was a midget. I'm sorry, we can't use that word, can we? There's no finding him either because he was a midget. I'm sorry, we can't use that word, now can we? It was a midget. Who's that? Who's that? Who's that? Nice to go on this stage and find someone paler than me.

Starting point is 00:56:36 Any cruise ship lovers in here while we're talking about cruises? What is wrong with you? They say at every given time of the year 17 people a year disappear overboard. Never to be found again. That's not enough. On a weekend cruise, I have a list of at least 50 women and children I want to throw overboard. No, there are men too, but women and children first. Laughter

Starting point is 00:57:20 Sir Winston Pickles, I have some more questions now. Amazing. Amazing. Amazing. It's fun to just sit back and watch someone do comedy for a little bit. I like your style. You're so different than everybody else. Um, did you work on cruise ships for a bit out of Florida? No, that was a big lie.

Starting point is 00:57:39 Oh, okay. Let me ask you this. Have you met any other people out there, like women that have clown fetishes? Is that a thing? Have you noticed that? A few. I try to stay away from them. They're fucking weird. Oh. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:57:53 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

Starting point is 00:58:01 Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. So do you have like a wife or a girlfriend or something? Yeah, she's alone in the basement. Right. And she likes you clown. Do you ever, do you ever hang out with her in the clown makeup?

Starting point is 00:58:16 Yes. And does the carpet match the drapes? Is there like a red, red nose on it? Shiny and red, yes. It's a what? Shiny and red. Shiny and red. When. It's a what? It's shiny and red. Shiny and red. Yeah.

Starting point is 00:58:27 When's the last time you were in England, Sir Winston Pickles? Oh, a decade ago. Good. We were just there and holy shit. I have to apologize for that. Yeah. It's a real mess. My people.

Starting point is 00:58:42 These people. It's a mess. Do you do the lady Di joke in England? No. No. Fantastic material, Sir Winston Pickles. Welcome to the Kill Tony universe. This is a big Kill Tony joke book made by the great Bones Eye.

Starting point is 00:59:03 Red band? I just want to say the last four arena shows, I've seen you in the audience of the... And I've been like, what the fuck is going on here? It's so great to finally see you. I would love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Thank you, sir. Thank you. Here you go.

Starting point is 00:59:20 Sir Winston Pickles has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. A dark and dirty clown, just what we've always wanted here. There he goes. Sir Winston Pickles, he's our favorite clown. We always like it when he comes to town. All right, your next bucket poll, ladies. This looks, I mean, again, this is another wild name, and it's a one-word name.

Starting point is 00:59:47 Make some noise for Offender. Holy shit, this should be interesting. Hell yeah, dude. It's a new year, it's a new me. That's what I've been telling myself. This year, I've been working on my New Year's resolution, which is to quit smoking cigarettes. This year, I came up with a new technique.

Starting point is 01:00:15 It's where I like to picture the cigarette, something I would never put in my mouth. So if you were to guess a big black cock, you'd be correct. Now, I don't know why it has to guess a big black cock, you'd be correct. Now, I don't know why it has to be big or black. Just seems scarier. And I know I got some support of friends, because they never get mad at me.

Starting point is 01:00:36 When I get down on my knees, I say, hey, man, you got a lighter. But boy, do they get pissed when I take off my hat and say, hey, will you hold my hair? There was some good news to this whole situation. It'd be I'm not homophobic or racist. All right. Wow, offender.

Starting point is 01:01:04 My goodness. That was the worst tragedy in Texas in the last five days. That was the worst tragedy in Texas in the last five days. Wow. Offender. My God. What's up, buddy?

Starting point is 01:01:20 What the hell was that? What the hell was that? What the hell was that? What the hell was that? Oh, shit! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Wow. Offender. My God. What's up, buddy? What the hell was that, dude? It's tough to follow Sir Winston Pickles, isn't it?

Starting point is 01:01:34 Yeah. You win some, you lose some, you know? I felt great about it. This is awesome. Have you won some? Yes, sir. Okay. I'm here right now. All right. This is a. Have you won some? Yes, sir. Okay. I'm here right now. All right. This is a win.

Starting point is 01:01:47 Okay. All right. Offender, there you go. There's people in the back, like, opportunity. Doesn't matter what you do with it, but you did get pulled out of the bucket. Tell us about you. What the fuck was that? Let's start there.

Starting point is 01:02:04 You've been working on that? You've been running that at open mics? Gets laughs? Yeah, it kills. Really? It does. I don't want to sell it now. I mean, if it sucked, it sucked. I'll work it. I'll get better.

Starting point is 01:02:17 Offender, what's going on in your actual life? Let's talk about it. Tell us about you. So I live on my short bus. I travel around Austin. I do nothing but comedy. That's... I've been hosting now. I've been here for six months. I just... This makes 312.

Starting point is 01:02:33 312 mics that I've done since moving here. Wow. I've done it in Nashville. I went to New York just to test the grounds before you guys go to MSG to understand how the subways work, what is this like. Wow, you're ready to bomb on every level.

Starting point is 01:02:52 No, sir. Absolutely incredible. Wow. It's all right. I love it. That's how it goes. Yeah. You're paying your dues. 312 open mics.

Starting point is 01:03:04 What's the worst it's ever gone? Describe to us what the... Well, apparently right now, but that's news to me. I'm disappointed with that, but I feel like I just got off a bull and I sucked. And so maybe I need to work harder and better. You know what I mean? Okay, this is going nowhere.

Starting point is 01:03:22 No, I mean, ask me anything else. What do you want to know? I just asked you, what's the worst in open mics ever gone for you? This isn't an open mic. You're in front of millions of people right now. You are correct. Uh-huh.

Starting point is 01:03:34 Uh... I had a mic that I was hosting. Uh-huh. This is true story. It just happened last week. And some people came in interrupting. It's a bar show. Uh-huh. And so as a host, I tried to gain them back. This is true story, just happened last week, and some people came in interrupting, it's a bar show. And so as a host, I tried to gain them back,

Starting point is 01:03:50 and I told these people that this was not a movie theater, and they did not, they didn't like that. That was not, that wasn't appropriate. When you say you told these people, what do you mean by these people? Can you describe them for us? They were nice people. What do you mean by these people? Can you describe them for us? They were nice people. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:04:10 They, uh, they like rap music. Okay. Yeah. Fried chicken. Okey-dokey. That's enough. Uh, we got it. We got it. All right, offender. So, uh, you've been on this show before, right? One time. But your name was different then.

Starting point is 01:04:29 No, it was Offender. It was an orange jumpsuit. It was Offender? That's right. It's all coming back to me. With a Kill Tony bingo board tattooed on his thigh. You do have a Kill Tony bingo board tattooed to your thigh. I do. Wow. This is our fan base, everybody, if you're wondering.

Starting point is 01:04:43 If you're wondering if you're sane or not for loving this show, this isn't the guy that has the... Have you ever seen the rock that comes with the Cam Patterson shirt? No. No. You've never seen it? Here. It's okay.

Starting point is 01:04:59 I'll just hand it to you. That's fentanyl. Okay. All right, offender. You already have a little joke book? I have a big joke book. I gave you a big joke of the ball. Okay. All right, offender. You already have a little jokebook? I have a big jokebook, but I... I gave you a big jokebook? Yes, sir.

Starting point is 01:05:10 What the fuck did you talk about possibly in that interview last time in which you got a big jokebook? I had been to prison. Ah. Okay. I had been to prison. I mean... I know prison had an effect on me, though, especially when it comes to women.

Starting point is 01:05:24 Okay. Because now, instead of buying them flowers, I just give them honey buns. All right. Hokey dokey offender. I'm gonna go shoot myself. Here's a little joke book to go with the big one. Here you go, boom. There, take that.

Starting point is 01:05:39 There you go. Offender everybody. I am offended. I am offended. All right. Wow. Sometimes it just gets a little fucking sad in here. You know what I mean? Make some noise for your next bucket full,

Starting point is 01:05:56 Sonny Castillo, everyone. Sonny Castillo. Sonny Castillo. -♪ There you go. So, I recently bought a used dog from the animal shelter. And she was a bit harder to take care of than I thought she would be, so I needed help. So I went and got a used girlfriend

Starting point is 01:06:24 from the woman's shelter. I can never turn down a rescue. And earlier this morning, we were getting ready to go to work, and she kept complaining that she had a muffin top. And I was like, nah, you look fine, cupcake. ["Motty Cones"] ["Motty Cones"]

Starting point is 01:06:54 ["Motty Cones"] So, my friend Motty Silla just opened up the world's first gay ice cream parlor. She calls it Motty Cones. just opened up the world's first gay ice cream parlor. She calls it Mottie Cone's. Thank you. Sonny Castillo. Welcome, Sonny. Is this your first time on the show?

Starting point is 01:07:17 Yes, it is. Nice. How long have you been doing stand-up? About 14 years. 14 years. Where at? San Antonio? Uh, no. Yes, Austin. I haven't really left Texas. Mostly around here. Austin, Houston. Mostly around here. Okay.

Starting point is 01:07:32 Austin, Houston. What do you do for work, Sonny Castillo? I work at a courthouse. Okay. What do you do at the courthouse? We call people that have warrants, and we try to help them to avoid being arrested by police or like the good guys. So you try to call them in? Yeah, it's easy,

Starting point is 01:07:52 because a lot of them are my family members, so... Ah, very good, Sonny. I like that. Yeah, we know a lot of Castillos. Big family you got. Yes, yes. I actually have over 80 first cousins on my dad's side. Wow. So we might be related.

Starting point is 01:08:07 Look at that. 80 cousins. You might be related to these two as well. Yeah. Pfft. Okay. Sonny, what do you do for fun? What are some hobbies of Sonny Castillo?

Starting point is 01:08:21 So I used to do photography, and during the pandemic, I started doing action figure photography, and so I started doing action figure reviews on YouTube. Wow, Red Band is hard as a rock right now. That's absolutely incredible. Action figure reviews on YouTube. Is that taking off kind of? Is it getting popular?

Starting point is 01:08:41 Uh, it... I'm monetized, so I get a couple hundred bucks a year from it couple hundred bucks a year Wow, it's like it's it's something that I was already doing so I was like might as well make a little bit of money from It I love it. Okay Very interesting. It's childlike behaviors. I'm gonna check in with Greg Fitzsimmons here I look I don't want to be harsh on the guy's got a necklace with a revolver on it Is that is that something you wear to the courthouse? Yeah, it's a 1911.

Starting point is 01:09:08 It's not a revolver. It's semi-automatic. It's a GI Joe. Oh, God. Yeah. Have you ever shot somebody? I haven't, but I've been really close. When you say you've been really close, what are we talking about? So I was at Lakeland Mall one day,

Starting point is 01:09:24 and I was in the parking lot, and I saw a dude beating on an old woman. So I hopped out, and I stuck a 40-cal in his face, and told him to stop. Amazing. He listened. You're an American hero. Those rings, where did you steal those from? Actually, it's funny. most of these are street value, so we paid what they cost on the street.

Starting point is 01:09:50 What does that mean? Explain to us non-criminals exactly what you mean by that. I'm not saying they're stolen. I'm not saying they're not stolen, but the person we bought them from seemed like a legit guy. So... Yeah. One's a wedding ring. That came from Kay Jewelers.

Starting point is 01:10:11 It doesn't look like great metal. It looks like the kind of metal where, if you pulled the ring off, you would still have a ring on your skin. Yeah. Technically, I do, because of the sun, but, yeah. Yeah. There you go. So, you're married of the sun, but yeah. Yeah, there you go.

Starting point is 01:10:26 So you're married? I am married, yeah. How long have you been married for? We've been married going on six years. Six years. What does she do? She works for the state. Okay.

Starting point is 01:10:37 Not quite sure. I know she's in front of a computer. You have no idea what your wife of six years does for a living. Yeah she does something. Okay where'd you guys meet? Actually through a mutual friend on Facebook. Before the Facebook dating thing we met. Okay first date what'd you do?

Starting point is 01:11:05 Uh, I asked her, you know, where'd she want to go? Uh, I was like, we got Taco Bell, Golden Chick or Little Caesars. She chose Taco Bell. Wow, okay. She's Latino as well? Yes. Amazing. I was straight up with her. I was like, look, I'm O2 East Side. I'm not really fancy.

Starting point is 01:11:22 When you say O2 East Side, what exactly do you mean by that? Born and raised here, Austin, I'm O2 East Side. I'm not really fancy. When you say O2 East Side, what exactly do you mean by that? Born and raised here, Austin, Texas, O2 East Austin. O2 East Austin. Michael, can you translate that for me? What exactly does that mean? O2 East Austin. Pre-gentrification. Oh, OK.

Starting point is 01:11:39 I know what that means. So it was kind of like the hood. Yeah, you could say that. Uh-huh. Yeah. I mean, most people do. Mm-hmm. And what do you think about your lovely city nowadays? Are you one of the complaining locals that says it was better back in the day?

Starting point is 01:11:56 Well, so... Like that guy with the Buc-ee's shirt and the hat over there? I'm kind of torn between the whole gentrification thing because it's like, yeah, they ruined our neighborhood, but they also made some of my people some money. So it's kind of between the two. That's true. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:12:11 And now East Austin has sidewalks. We never had those before, so that's nice. And the police come out now, if you call them. Never had that before either. Yep. That's a thing. Sidewalks and police officers. It's amazing what's going on here. I liked your material, Sonny.

Starting point is 01:12:29 Very fun times. You are getting a big joke book. Congratulations, Sonny Castillo. Thank you very much. How fun. We're getting through it. And Tim Horton's fruit quenchers have something for every mood. So choose from a variety of fruity flavors in sparkling, frozen, or lemonade. Order yours on the Tim's app today at participating restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Stop. Do you know how fast you were going? I'm going to have to write you a ticket to my new movie, The Naked Gun.

Starting point is 01:13:00 Liam Neeson. Buy your tickets now and get a free chili dog. Chili dog not included. The naked gun. Tickets on sale now. August 1st. We have another very special treat for you ladies and gentlemen. This is a truly in action packed episode.

Starting point is 01:13:14 This is a Hall of Famer going up right in the middle of the goddamn show. One of the most famous regulars in the history of the show. Famous for his roasting and stand-up ability, ladies and gentlemen, a rare mothership appearance by the great and powerful David Lucas, everyone. Oh my god. Yeah. A plane in India just recently crashed

Starting point is 01:13:46 heading to England and 176 Indians died. And since that plane crash, scam calls have been down 50%. It's... Apple has no more tech support, it's crazy. You gonna call Apple and talk to a nigga that sound like me, you know what I'm saying? Can you help me with my phone?

Starting point is 01:14:09 Have you turned that motherfucker off yet, bitch? Turn it off and turn the back on. I can only imagine what that plane smelled like. God damn, bro. If I would've been driving that plane, I probably would've crashed it too. Think of, oh, no! Ha-ha.

Starting point is 01:14:28 When it crashed, it probably smelled like somebody was barbecuing a goat. It was... They were like, who was barbecuing in a hotel? I love... Yeah. Yeah. It's so weird how women with purple and blue hair

Starting point is 01:14:41 want us to give a fuck about the Middle East. You know what I'm saying? Like... us to give a fuck about the Middle East. You know what I'm saying? Like... Nobody really gives a fuck about the Middle East because if you did, you'd take your ass over there. If they want me to give a fuck about the Middle East, you're gonna have to give the Middle East an NFL team. That's the only way. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:15:02 Yeah. I'd love to watch the Palestine Packers, you know what I'm saying? All right, that's my time. David Lucas, thank you. David lights out Lucas. Look at Tony. My man. Get ass niggas. Wait, what the?

Starting point is 01:15:20 You're just going to start like that, you fat motherfucker? We're just going with the- If Tony was a gamer, he'd play Call of Booty. Oh my God. Oh my God. Yo ass zipped up, nigga, that motherfucker. I love this look, I love it. You have your own fucking equator around you,

Starting point is 01:15:42 it's incredible. Look like you're ready to take a yacht trip to a McDonald's. Why you so zipped up, nigga? That HIV medicine kicking your ass, right? That KFC medicine's kicking yours. You are bigger than ever. You gayer than ever, nigga. I mean, I-

Starting point is 01:16:03 And your face look like a baboon's ass. That motherfucker, you look like you just got slapped in the face with a cherry pie, nigga. You know what? I won't do the baboon comeback joke that I want to do right now. I'm going to reserve that and hold that back, because I like working.

Starting point is 01:16:24 Is that a vest? What is that, bro? It's just all... I deserve that and hold that back because I like working. Pfft. Is that a vest? What is that, bro? It's just all... Yeah, it's a vest. What the fuck is that? A sweatshirt. Just cause you... Hey.

Starting point is 01:16:34 Pfft. You dressed like a gay sniper, nigga. Your ass. Pfft. Pfft. Put the scope in my ass. Pfft. Pfft.

Starting point is 01:16:44 Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. I love this new look though. Put the scope in my ass. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha deal. Fucking T-Moose, Stevie Wonder looking ass, nigga. Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Starting point is 01:17:15 Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha! Superstition! I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay.

Starting point is 01:17:25 I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay.

Starting point is 01:17:33 I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay.

Starting point is 01:17:41 I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. I'm a gay. Get that blind ass nigga out of here laughing at that shit. He ain't never seen me or you. He don't even know what gay look like, nigga laughing. He don't know what fat look like. He can only imagine it. I probably look like a fucking rainbow cloud

Starting point is 01:17:55 in that nigga's head. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. I cannot believe you called him T.Mu Stevie Wonder. That is a four-year elephant in the room that we've been avoiding. I don't think he's ever going to be the same after that. This might be the first time that he doesn't come back from peeing. Oh my God. Hell yeah. Back to you Stevie Wonderbread over here.

Starting point is 01:18:32 Have you been, it seems like you're losing weight. Yes sir, I've been working out. I got a personal trainer now. You do? Yeah. Oh my God. What type of workouts does he have you doing exactly? A lot of ass stretches.

Starting point is 01:18:43 Are you competitively eating? What are you doing? You do penny shoots out the ass. Let me get 45 penny shoots. What the fuck does that mean? What type of workouts are you doing to lose the weight? A whole bunch of bullshit, man. I fucking hate it, bro. Every time he'd be like, we got two both sets, I'd be like, nigga, I'm about to eat.

Starting point is 01:19:07 I hate working out, dog. I don't want to take the glute-tide shit. Yeah. But I'm working out, yeah. That's good. Yeah, it's just eating less. That's pretty much it. This is all good.

Starting point is 01:19:18 Greg, it's been a while since you've seen David Lucas. You look great, man. What's up, Greg? Yeah. You don't. You look like, man. What's up, Greg? Yeah. You don't. You look like you just got bit by a vampire. Yeah. He got two holes on the side of his neck.

Starting point is 01:19:32 I got two what? Holes on the side of your neck. You need a blood transfusion. That's what I'm talking about. Is that another AIDS joke? There's a lot of AIDS jokes going around tonight. You look symptomatic, nigga. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 01:19:42 Yeah. Anything I say, you got it. Yeah. Yeah. Heartburn, chest pains? I don't know. Whatever it is, I take a little and drop some weight. Take just a hint of AIDS, a couple drops of AIDS. We've got AIDS.

Starting point is 01:19:56 David has Kool-Aids. I don't even got one for Tony. I don't know what the fuck. What's that thing? What happens if you pull that yellow... Do you just... Do you fill with more air? Um... If I pull it, I'm gonna go into air, and then...

Starting point is 01:20:15 It's off-white. It's a belt. Your boyfriend... Oh, my goodness. Couldn't even get my joke out, because Red Band want to play these loony-tune-ass sounds. Wait, no. pull it again. I heard something. That was... Oh my God.

Starting point is 01:20:35 Oh my God. David, what else is going on? You want to plug something? Man, I'm on tour like a motherfucker. I'm everywhere, bro. Tickets at davidlucascomedy.com, bro. Next year I'm doing... Red Lobsters all around the country. Yeah, yeah, bro. Tickets at davidlucascomedy.com, bro. Next year, I'm doing... Red Lobsters all around the country.

Starting point is 01:20:47 Yeah, yeah, yeah. Nigga, you performing at HIV clinics. Get your motherfuckers. What the fuck? All the rainbow houses across the world. You know what's crazy? In the city... So, when me and my family moved to make it to Georgia, bro, there was this thing for gay niggas called the Rainbow House,

Starting point is 01:21:03 and they would house gay niggas with HIV, bro. And do you know one time somebody, a crackhead, broke into that place to try to do something? You know the word. I don't want to demonetize y'all. R rhymes with rake. Oh, okay. So a crackhead went in there trying to rake an HIV person. But he didn't know it was an HIV house.

Starting point is 01:21:26 Oh shit. Yeah. That's real, that's real talk. It was called a rainbow house. It closed down after that. Wow. Did the guy get AIDS? I don't know, but he sued the city, nigga.

Starting point is 01:21:36 That's crazy. Isn't that interesting. Yeah. It's so weird for criminals, bro. You can sue for anything, bro. Like you can probably sue because you turned out gay, nigga. You know what I, bro. You can sue for anything, bro. Like, you can probably sue because you turned out gay. You know what I'm saying?

Starting point is 01:21:47 You can sue the city of... Your little smoke alarm trying to change the batteries over there. That's his vape pen making that noise, everybody. The battery in your vape pen's going... Bro, you want me to tell you something about smoke alarms, bro? So, uh...

Starting point is 01:22:01 Are you looking at your... No. What, are you looking at your blood pressure right now? What's going on? So, no, bro. I-I... No. What are you looking at? Your blood pressure right now? What's going on? So, no, bro. I-I got a new place in Austin, bro. And, uh, brand new.

Starting point is 01:22:11 I was... And, uh, I was in there one week. I was... I was in there one week, and I went to buy smoke detectors at the Home Depot, and the next day, my smoke detectors were beeping.

Starting point is 01:22:23 I think they sell niggas beeping smoke detectors. It was brand new when it was already beeping. I didn't need to change no batteries. It's racist. I don't know a nigga without a beeping smoke detector. Are you sure you didn't just have something that you left in the microwave without opening the door and it wasn't trying to alert you?

Starting point is 01:22:42 Because you are guilty of a great many. All right, David, you're the man. Because you are guilty of a great many. All right, David, you're the man. Catch him on tour. David Lucas, ladies and gentlemen. Onward and upward we go. Yes, the man. One more time for David Lucas, everybody, the legend. All right, this is it. Bucket pool number seven.

Starting point is 01:23:03 This looks like a fun name too. Make some noise for Deepak Pani. Deepak Pani. Come on, make some noise for Deepak, everybody. Okay, let's do this. Is it just me or you guys also feel like Hollywood makes slavery movies once every year? Just to whip a rich black dude for 15 minutes?

Starting point is 01:23:33 No, just me? Okay. I mean, I know it's acting, but come on, 15 minutes? Like, please stop that. We all get it. Whips to the back are painful. And I found out whips to the back are painful in my fifth grade, actually. Relax. Nothing happened to me.

Starting point is 01:23:57 Wouldn't it be funny if I just came up here and went, My dad beat the shit out of me and I can't watch slavery movies anymore. Nope. I watched Passion of the Christ. And we've all seen some kind of reenactment or a play where Jesus is getting beat up. I don't know why though. Apparently it's not enough to say that Jesus suffered and died for our sins. We have to actually see the, you know, precious.

Starting point is 01:24:31 All right, Deepak Pani. Let me start off with this question. What? Yes, booze from the crowd. Very good. As if, though, you actually had to make that noise for us to know that it wasn't good. Your lack of laughter told the entire story.

Starting point is 01:24:54 Deepak, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Uh, two months. Two months. And where are you from, Deepak? Uh, India. India. Oh, my goodness gracious. So you're really born and raised in India. Greg Fitzsimmons, let's check in here. Well, I think this is a direct result

Starting point is 01:25:13 of you guys getting rid of the drivers in your Ubers. We're gonna see a lot more of this. That is true. They're gonna need stuff to do. They're gonna start chasing their dreams instead of picking us up. Deepak, how long have you been in America? By the sound of your accent, I'm guessing 25 minutes. One and a half year, actually.

Starting point is 01:25:37 What? One and a half year. One and a half year, adorable. And you came straight here to Austin, Texas? No, I study's in Cleveland State. You what? I study master's in Cleveland State. You got your master's degree at Cleveland State?

Starting point is 01:25:52 No, I'm still doing it. You're still studying. What are you trying to major in? Hopefully English. You can guess it, actually. Uh, computer science. Computer science. Wow, Deepak. Don't you computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist.

Starting point is 01:26:05 I'm a computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist.

Starting point is 01:26:21 I'm a computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist. I'm a computer scientist. D-Madness coming in. He's back. What do you plan to do with your computer science? No idea. No idea. And how is Cleveland for you? What made you pick Cleveland, Ohio, of all places? Dilapidated city. Couldn't get anywhere else.

Starting point is 01:26:41 Okay. Were you not a great student? Nope. And why were you not a great student? Very rare for an Indian boy like you to not be a great student. So, I was kind of good till my high school and then fell off. You think you have, like, a learning disability?

Starting point is 01:26:58 Perhaps you have ADHD? Oh, what'd you say? ADHD? You know what I mean, ADHD? You know what I mean? When you call, like, Verizon Wireless tech support, how long does it take until you both break into Indian? I actually talked to a scammer once. He was a Pakistani, my neighbor.

Starting point is 01:27:23 So we just chatted about, how did you get into this? Oh, God. So it was nice. He could speak Hindi. So how long, again, how long have you been in America? Oh, one and a half years. One and a half years. And what are some things that you find shocking?

Starting point is 01:27:44 Like, what is super different here than India? Toilet paper. Toilet paper, yes. That's a big one. That's a big one. How, what exactly, explain to us when you're sitting on a toilet and you've got number two, what exactly do you do with the toilet paper?

Starting point is 01:28:03 How many pieces do you think you use? No, I just bought a handheld bidet from Amazon and just... Pfft. Tony, I think you lost him when you said, when you sit on a toilet. Not hover over like a drone. Ha ha ha ha ha. So you have a handheld bidet.

Starting point is 01:28:25 Yeah, my ass got chapped in a month or so. Your ex got chappy? My ass got chapped with the toilet paper, so. Right, it got chapped. Can't do it. Don't do it. So you have a handheld bidet that is hooked up to your toilet directly? Yeah, it just takes some plumbing. Takes some plumbing yep no doubt

Starting point is 01:28:47 about it and so you kind of like do you kind of do you go like do you go from the back side with that or do you go in between and up missionary position or do you go doggy style or it's hard to ask questions. It's hard to find new questions in 12 years of this show, but somehow, God damn it, we managed to do it. Explain to us the exact hand position of this hand that I think you can do. I think everyone goes front, uh, can't do it like this. And do you look at the toilet afterwards and see some shrapnel,

Starting point is 01:29:22 a little disaster area perhaps? Butter chicken. I just do. Butter chicken's not that popular in India actually. It's kind of sweet for us. But I just do one flush. So everything's there when I see it. Okay.

Starting point is 01:29:44 Deepak, what's your love life like? You have a girlfriend? Nope. No? Have you been on any dates since you've been to America? Nope. Not a single date? Nope.

Starting point is 01:29:53 Have you kissed an American girl? Nope. Do you want to? Nope. No, you don't want to. Very interesting. Are you into specifically only Indian women? Nope.

Starting point is 01:30:06 This might kind of sound gay, but I can't do one night stands, actually. What about one night stands? Can't do it. You can't do it? You want to fall in love with somebody? Uh, no, not that. I just want to know the person before I show them my dick.

Starting point is 01:30:22 Wow. Wow. Okay. And where do you think you get this from? Is this something your parents taught you? Or religious or something? No, but I just kind of figured it out. Have you been with a woman before? Are you a virgin? No, I've been with many. You've been with many? Is that what you said? Yeah.

Starting point is 01:30:46 Okay. Is that a big deal? What? Is that a big deal? Is that a big deal? Sorry, go on. I mean, you've been with many women. Is that expensive? Does that add up? For them. I love it. I love it, Deepak.

Starting point is 01:31:11 What's an interesting fun fact about you that you think makes you different than anybody that's ever been on this show before? Uh, I started doing comedy because I think comedy is dying right now. You think it's dying right now. You think it's dying right now? Okay, that's a very interesting take. There are no more Doug Stanhope's, Bill Hicks, Collins.

Starting point is 01:31:32 Nope. There's just a bunch of people I see in the open mics trying to be cool. Retard this, retard that. You're gay. I'm autistic. Okay. So you know. I guess, Deepak. The real ones here. What? I don't really get it, Deepak.

Starting point is 01:31:55 I'm gonna get you out of here, Deepak. Have you thought about taking a plane from London back to India? Here's a little joke book's a little joke book. Oh, geez. There he goes, Deepak Pani, everybody. Just a little warning, there might be a, there may be a suicide bombing outside after tonight's show. Just a little something to keep an eye out for

Starting point is 01:32:26 How about a hand for Heidi everybody? The new bemo vi porter MasterCard is your ticket to more more perks more points more flights The iPorter MasterCard is your ticket to more. More perks. More points. More flights. More of all the things you want in a travel rewards card. And then some. Get your ticket to more with the new BMO ViPorter MasterCard and get up to $2,400 in value in your first 13 months.

Starting point is 01:33:02 Terms and conditions apply. Visit BMO.com slash the iPorter to learn more. There's regular cold and then there's the mountains are blue cold. Mountain cold refreshment. Coors light. The chill choice. Celebrate responsibly. Must be legal drinking age. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. John Bechdel. John Bechdel. Austin, Texas, how's it going? Give it up for the supreme leader, Ayatollah Khomeini,

Starting point is 01:33:32 y'all. How many of y'all are on dates here tonight? Because, like, war was declared for a second. That, oh, look, I'm scared to go to war, pussy, you know. Like, how many here? Men are dogs. Am I right? I'm scared to go to war, pussy, you know. Like, how many here? Men are dogs, am I right?

Starting point is 01:33:50 Men are like dogs. White women fuck them occasionally. Uh, they took down the, uh... They took down the billboard outside my place of the kid who OD'd on fentanyl. I guess he got better. Like, give it up for that guy. Give it up for the sleepy time T-Bear.

Starting point is 01:34:08 That motherfucker's been sleeping on the job for 40 fucking years. Has anyone checked him? It might be like the dead, the entire time T-Bear. Like, motherfucker OD'd on hibiscus. Yeah, so yeah, I'm really glad we didn't go to the war. Because like, if a new kid outside San Diego, I don't think Mountain Dew would like last

Starting point is 01:34:28 after the Baja Blast of 2025. Yeah, those Ninja Turtles, they're always saying cowabunga. Those motherfuckers should be asking howabunga. Like, I work in like food service, I have to deliver pizzas in the street. Hell yeah. John Bechdel, welcome to the show.

Starting point is 01:34:47 Wow. My goodness gracious, John. Hey, nice to meet y'all. I love your energy, John. I appreciate it. Thank you very much. Incredible. How long you been doing stand-up? A year and change. Okay.

Starting point is 01:35:04 But, like, I used to, like, hostup? Uh, a year and change. Okay. But, like, I used to, like, host things, like, growing up and whatnot. Okay. Yeah. An open mic in Chernobyl, perhaps, or something like that? Greg Fitzsimmons. Well, a year and change,

Starting point is 01:35:17 I would emphasize the change part a little bit. Yeah. Yeah, I've been doing stand-up for, like, a year or so. I, like, used doing standup for like a year or so. I like used to host like a drunk history thing. That was like my friends. It was just kind of like a group effort. Me and these like brassy like lesbians just watching WWE.

Starting point is 01:35:37 I was a blast. I love it. Did that show take place inside of a large microwave perhaps? Alley waves. You are an interesting guy. What's your ethnicity? What are you? Very white. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:35:50 Yeah, no, uh, like, German-Irish. Okay, German-Irish, and you drink a lot. Oh, uh, well, for German-Irish, you know, I try to make a good effort. Yeah, no, I've been living in Texas for 25 years now. Um, yeah. I love it. Okay. Like, hill country.

Starting point is 01:36:06 Where were you at before that? East Coast, Baltimore. Okay. All right. What do you do for work, exactly? I'm a fucking waiter and it sucks. Right. Okay.

Starting point is 01:36:16 I've been doing that for 16 years. Okay. Yeah. That's good. Is it like you make good money doing it? I try to. You know, it's- Is it a pizza restaurant?

Starting point is 01:36:27 Tony. A genuine question. Tony, I've moved on. Okay. I've retired from the pizza business. What kind of restaurant is it? Used to be a pizza restaurant. Right, yeah.

Starting point is 01:36:37 Okay. No, I got fired from a couple of those. What did you get fired for? Let's talk about that. Let's talk about the firings of John Bechdel. You can't ask your old dipshit boss. He used to sit in the office, text all the girls in the kitchen,

Starting point is 01:36:51 like videos of him riding his fucking BMX bike, being like, you like knock on the door, he's like, yo, what the fuck do you even do at this job? Yeah, you can't show up late after doing that. I have no idea. Somehow I understood Deepak Pari better than you. One saw a guy chop his hand off. It was crazy.

Starting point is 01:37:08 You saw a guy chop his hand off? Yeah, there was these like, Nacogdoches twins. They're from like, East Texas, you know? Just whatever goes on in those woods. Yeah. Like, who knows? So this guy, this dipshit, sells me a broken PS3. The Saran Wrap melts.

Starting point is 01:37:32 He takes this knife, and we're all just looking at this guy, and it's like, this motherfucker. He walks over to the Saran Wrap. Cuts it open. It's like, it's perfect, it works. For some reason, he swings again, chops off his hand. I never got money back for that PS3. How's it going, Austin, Texas? Give it up for yourselves, y'all.

Starting point is 01:37:58 John, have you ever been arrested before? Oh, actually, I have. Once. Once. What was that for? On February, oh wait, it was April 18th, the night of April 18th, 2013. Look it up, y'all. You're not gonna tell us?

Starting point is 01:38:18 It's the night the Boston Bombers got caught. So I'm watching that shit. In the drunk tank. Everyone's hooting and hollering, and all these fucking cops keep on walking up to me, and you're like, you're the motherfucker who works at that goddamn sandwich restaurant.

Starting point is 01:38:35 I worked in sandwiches before pizza. Tony. John, you are something else. What are you on exactly? Duh-nuh-nuh-nuh. For legal reasons, I am sober for two years eventually. or something else, what are you on exactly? For legal reasons, I'm sober for two years eventually. Yeah, but seriously, what are we on? Adderall and whiskey or like, what is the exact combination?

Starting point is 01:38:58 I smoke a lot of now legal substances. Oh, you brought out a little, you got a little gun there all of a sudden. It's Texas, Tony. Welcome to Texas. All right, thank you. I've been here five years, but yes, thank you for the big welcome. No, it's nice. Hey, welcome.

Starting point is 01:39:14 What are you on? That's the question. Oh, I smoke a hella weed. You smoke a hella weed, but where do you get this energy from? Uh, I'm, okay, I can't get diagnosed. Uh-huh. Uh, for, you know, Asperger's or autism. They're just okay, I can't get diagnosed. Uh-huh. For, you know, ass burgers or autism.

Starting point is 01:39:26 They're just like, you're annoying. Okay. So, you know. I would get another opinion on that. I rely on my friends with our all prescriptions. You know what? It's a very, very rare happening. Only once every few months does Matt Mueling,

Starting point is 01:39:38 our electric guitarist, speak up. He has asked permission to speak and he will speak now. This is Matt Mueling. John Dees also smokes a hell of a lot of weed. Pfft. Yeah, but his weed is white. His weed is green. Yeah. John, here you go, buddy.

Starting point is 01:40:03 Here's a little joke book coming at you. John Bechdel, ladies and gentlemen. Good night, y'all. Good night, y'all. There goes John Bechdel. We've had some wild bucket pulls here tonight. All right, here's another one. This is a very interesting name yet again. And the name is I Am Frank.

Starting point is 01:40:21 Make some noise for I Am Frank. Okay. and the name is I Am Frank. Make some noise for I Am Frank. Okay. Hello Kill Tony universe. It's great to be back. You know, they told me that my comedy would take a huge step forward if I told jokes that my audience here in Austin found more relatable.

Starting point is 01:40:47 So I no longer trust black people. Why are their pants so low? No, relax folks, it's only jokes. It's only jokes. And that joke is funny. D madness. Because I too am a black man. Didn't want to leave him in the dark on that one. No, no, no, okay.

Starting point is 01:41:14 I don't think everyone here in Austin is racist, but it's hard not to feel that way when you've seen the things I've seen. Someone called me the N-word in traffic. Yeah, I cut him off, but it was, he got unusually perturbed. Started yelling slurs, swipes wiped me. He even threw banana peels at my car. That's when I said, I will never play Mario Kart online in the city again. No. Yes, I have. OK.

Starting point is 01:41:56 Did it go better last time? It went exactly how it was supposed to go. OK. What does that mean, exactly? Went exactly how it was supposed to go. Okay. What does that mean, exactly? It went exactly how it was supposed to go. That's what it meant. That's what it meant. Someone just pointed out that his zipper's down, and that is very sad.

Starting point is 01:42:15 This is really... We've really taken a turn here. Uh... It's very, very interesting what's happening tonight. Some very rugged bucket pools. I don't know if they're underprepared or maybe the nerves are getting to them. How do you feel, Frank, right now? How do you feel? You're looking out there into the crowd.

Starting point is 01:42:34 You're staring at them deep in their souls. Bro, we're here. We're on kill tony. You are correct. What's up with the wrap around your arm there? Um... Did something happen? Yes. What happened?

Starting point is 01:42:48 It's very tragic. What? Oh. I donated. I donated plasma today. Okay. You do that to make money. From time to time, yeah.

Starting point is 01:42:58 I do it. How much money did you get from your plasma today? I'm not sure. You don't... You didn't even pay attention to the amount of money to get plasma today? I'm not sure. You didn't even pay attention to the amount of money that you got paid strategically for donating plasma, which is what you did to get money today? You know, it's not about the money for me, Tony.

Starting point is 01:43:17 I'm in it for the love of the game. All right. Frank, you got a little joke book last time? We're just gonna keep it moving, Frank. How about a hand for Frank, everybody? I am Frank. I'm gonna fix this. I'm gonna fix the momentum in the room right now by doing something absolutely insane.

Starting point is 01:43:36 Ladies and gentlemen, I'm gonna bring to the stage a man who is eventually going to be a citizen of the United States of America. A man who remains at this moment the Estonian Assassin. This is a brand new set from the one and only Ari Matty. ["Ari Matty"] ["Ari Matty"] ["Ari Matty"] Yo, yo.

Starting point is 01:44:15 You know how they're like diversifying all the movie franchises now? They're making like a gay James Bond. He's got to suck so much dick to get those passwords. They're doing Taken, you know Taken with Liam Neeson. They're doing one with a black dad. The phone just keeps ringing. Sorry baby.

Starting point is 01:45:00 Had to make a stop. Feminists are upset. They're trying to cancel the new Catwoman movie that's coming out. Because the new Catwoman is Zoe Gravitz. A banging bitch. And the feminists are saying, why does Catwoman always have to be some supermodel? Why couldn't Catwoman be like a plus-size model? She needs to climb.

Starting point is 01:45:36 You ever see a fat cat? Bitch, you can't be Catwoman. You can be Garfield. Thank you so much! There is levels to this, ladies and gentlemen. And there he is, the arrival. Look at that shirt! You're so patriotic! Goddamn right. That's right. That's a gutt... Look at that shirt. You're so patriotic.

Starting point is 01:46:06 God damn right. That's right. That's a good... Happy Fourth of July, you know what I'm saying? Absolutely. So excited. It was my first Independence Day. And tell us, tell us how you... What did you do? How did you enjoy it? Well, it was just fun being in a country where I can celebrate victory for once.

Starting point is 01:46:24 Well, it was just fun being in a country where I can celebrate victory for once. In Estonia, we don't have any of that fucking... Woohoo! We did it! Every one of our holidays is like, on this day... 50,000 men, women and children... taken against their will. We got fucked. Estonia gets historically kind of bullied by the bigger countries around it, huh?

Starting point is 01:46:57 Well, yeah, we're tiny. Uh-huh. Yeah, it's hard. We'll do whatever anyone else is doing, you know? Did you guys ever win like a big battle? Nothing like it? Nothing really? Well, when the Soviet Union collapsed, we kind of, we did a thing where we just sang.

Starting point is 01:47:15 Ah, perfect. Get that counts. Yeah. And you guys do that? Is that like a holiday there? It's like a singing day? Yeah, we sing all the time. We get together, we sing these horrible songs, you know.

Starting point is 01:47:29 None of them are banger. John Deere wants you to... Is there like a famous one? No, no, no, no, no. You don't want to sing a little Estonian fucking? I actually don't know any of the lyrics. That's the issue. I've literally just mumbled along my whole fucking life. All right.

Starting point is 01:47:50 Greg Fitzsimmons. Do you, whenever you... First of all, it's always great to see you. You're fucking great. You're too great. But what, uh... Is there ever gonna be, like, a homecoming? Like, is there an arena to play in Estonia?

Starting point is 01:48:03 Is there, like, a big venue you want to go home someday and play? Yeah, I've done it. Oh, you have? Yeah. Oh. It's an arena? Uh, not American standards, you know. It's... Right. 80-seater, you know. It's a fucking...

Starting point is 01:48:16 Okay. It's one of the biggest venues we got, you know. Nice. Very... You packed it out. Yeah. 81, baby. Yeah. Ha, baby. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha.

Starting point is 01:48:28 What do you like to do when you go home? I... Well, sauna, you know? Dick out sauna, dick out sauna. I go to the bog. You know, you ever been to a bog? What's a bog? Bog. A bog. A bog.

Starting point is 01:48:44 What's a bog? You. A bog. A bog. What's a bog? You know what a bog is. Nobody knows what a bog is. It's like a... A swamp. Yeah, see? Oh, a bog. She knows.

Starting point is 01:48:55 A bog, yeah. Hot springs. It's like, yes. No, not springs, but it's a dirty little spring. It's a dirty spring. Okay. Yeah. But it's quiet, little spring. It's a dirty spring. Okay. But it's quiet, you know. Yeah.

Starting point is 01:49:08 Not a lot of ethnic people, it's serene. Yeah. Nobody talks too loud. Like Shrek shit. Everyone wears headphones. It's like Shrek, like swamp? Yeah, Shrek. That was a big movie for us. It was.

Starting point is 01:49:23 Shrek is about an imperialistic government taking a man's swamp. It's our Schindler's List. Well, we got that swamp back, you know what I'm saying? The jokes were just unbelievable tonight. I mean, probably the best set of the night. I mean, absolutely incredible. All of it's so funny. A movie-themed set, because shit is crazy out there.

Starting point is 01:49:53 They are really making some movies. Yeah, make your own shit, bitch. Yeah. They're doing some wacky stuff. Mm-hmm. I watched, uh... Gladiator 2. And Denzel Washington's just in it. He's just in it throughout,

Starting point is 01:50:09 and it just is impossible to not every time just go like, what's going on? What are we doing here? Just a regular old Roman black eye. As we know. Yeah, no one's acting weird. Everyone's like, ah, sure, tell us what to do. He's giving orders to other Romans and stuff.

Starting point is 01:50:30 It's like just so, it's pretty wild. Like we always suspend belief in movies, right? But like really stands out when they try to do these serious things. Yeah. They're really doing a black taken? I hope so. It's called Took. It's a movie about somebody's wallet.

Starting point is 01:50:52 I have a very set of skills to stay the fuck away from my family. Very fun. Well, Ari, I mean, you absolutely fucking destroyed. You did it again, Ari and Maddie, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you so much, guys. We're going into overtime here. Let's get one more bucket full up here. Make some noise for Kelly Lusk, everyone.

Starting point is 01:51:19 Kelly Lusk, our tenth bucket full. Hello, everyone. So, um, I have this gay friend, and he's gotten into some pretty wild butt stuff lately. So now whenever he farts, it just goes, hot. Tony has the same thing. You know what I'm talking about, right Tony? Yeah, he's probably over there hotting right now. My friend's name is David, but I call him Anal Cave Dave.

Starting point is 01:51:55 I think that's appropriate. And then he recently told me that he started getting into feet. He likes sucking on toes. I was like, oh man, if somebody was like sucking on my toe, the only thing I could think about is when I go get a pedicure, the fucking cheese grater they bring out to grate the parmesan off of my feet. It's like at Olive Garden people, just tell me when. Okay, I'm done.

Starting point is 01:52:26 Fucking disgusting. I know. Kelly Lusk. Right back to that bucket. We have a demented bucket here tonight. I don't know if anybody's paying attention to it. But we have been saved by a lot of golden ticket winners and regulars.

Starting point is 01:52:41 Sir Winston Pickles was the highlight of the bucket. How was that? I was curious. You know Sir Winston Pickles? Well, I saw him, and Iars, Sir Winston Pickles was the highlight of the bucket tonight. How was that? I was curious. You know Sir Winston Pickles? Well, I saw him and I was like very curious how that went. Yeah, oh, it's great. We love Sir Winston Pickles. Fantastic, I can't wait to watch.

Starting point is 01:52:54 Yep, yep, you're gonna see it. You might wanna skip your part. Kelly, last time you were on, you brought an adorable picture of you and your sister. That's right. Her sister looked like a cute, normal little girl and Kelly looked like her. A Samoan boy.

Starting point is 01:53:10 Like her. Is your sister Rosie O'Donnell? So many comments about the Rosie O'Donnell. A lot of comments about that, yeah. Kelly, tell us something we didn't learn about you last time you were on. Let's see. Something really weird about me is I have this thing called misophonia, where, like, weird, like,

Starting point is 01:53:33 noises make me go into a rage. Uh... It's normally, like, mouth noises, you know? Like, smacking. Exactly. That. All right, right. It makes you go from, like, you know, like smacking. Exactly. That. All right, right, family. It makes you go from like zero to like, I will fucking murder you if you don't stop. Like that.

Starting point is 01:53:51 And have you, what's the angriest that you've gotten in public or something? Okay, so I was working with this girl one time and she was like popping her gum and she just over and over and over again. And like she didn't know I had this issue or whatever and she just kept doing it and I just turned around I was like if you don't fucking stop popping your gum I'm gonna smack you in the face I just totally went off on her yeah absolutely

Starting point is 01:54:17 incredible D madness is a master of mouth noises oh do you got anything for us what do you got anything for us? What do you got? Any fun mouth noises? Oh. Oh. There you go. Nice. All right, Kelly, we're gonna keep it moving. There goes Kelly Lusk, your final bucket pull of the night,

Starting point is 01:54:43 ladies and gentlemen. There she goes. Thank you, Kelly. And now, I mean, what an episode. What kind of episode has Jack Shaw, Fiona Colley, David Lucas, Ari Matty, Sir Winston Pickles? Who could forget some of the lowlights tonight? Offender, Sonny Castillo, John Bechtel,

Starting point is 01:55:06 I Am Frank was very sad. There's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and it is with the all-time record holder for appearances, interviews, sets, everything. The man has done it all. God's favorite comedian. A man that they call the Memphis Strangler.

Starting point is 01:55:29 The vanilla gorilla. Brought to you by Nicked and Open Phone. The Nicked nuisance. The Open Phone opus. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery. If an alien spaceship crashed right in front of me, I'd probably assume I was about to encounter a female alien. I found out recently Michael Jackson had my favorite amusement ride, the Zipper, at his Neverland Ranch.

Starting point is 01:56:18 You know how awesome it would have been to go there as a kid? Ever been in a situation where you wanted to smoke weed, but it wasn't 420? It's like 1045 a.m.? Well, here's a quick stoner hack. Go to your oven set to 420 degrees. Doesn't matter if you don't have anything to cook.

Starting point is 01:56:37 And then when you're done smoking, you're like, I want to keep smoking. No problem. Keep your oven at 420. Saddest thing was standing in line at Dollar General and out of nowhere turned gay. Okay, I turned gay, Tony, at the Dollar General. But why? Why would you do that? As at the Dollar General? Isn't that what happens? People just turn gay?

Starting point is 01:57:04 I thought people just turn gay. But why? Why would... Be born that way? Why would gay? I thought people just turn gay. But why? Why would... Be born that way? Why would they... I think people just turn gay. Why would they turn gay at Dollar General? Because I'm at the Dollar General, standing in line, I'm thinking, I don't know, but that's just where I turn gay.

Starting point is 01:57:16 So with story in my head, that was what it was. I just turned gay at the Dollar General. What were you getting at the Dollar General? What do you like to shop for at Dollar General? Some Hawaiian punch. Ooh. Yeah. What else? What else do you like to for at Dollar General? Some Hawaiian Punch. Ooh. Yeah. What else? What else do you like to get at Dollar General? Huh? Marshmallows.

Starting point is 01:57:28 Ooh. Okay. Yeah, I love marshmallows, Hawaiian Punch. Okay, what else do you get at Dollar General? Creamed spinach is always good there in the cans. Ooh. All right. Milk, 2% milk. Okay. Uh...

Starting point is 01:57:42 Maybe a toy or something? I don't know, Tony, but yeah. What kind of toys? What kind of toys have you bought at Dollar General? Oh, man. You get the little Legos. This guy doesn't want to hear about any of it, Tony! Wow. He doesn't give a shit! It is such an odd time to use the restroom. Is that your husband, sir?

Starting point is 01:58:03 Oh, you wish. Wow. Doing a little crowd work over here. This guy's on fire tonight. I'm sorry. I'm on one tonight. I have, again, my clot-corrided artery, so I'm trying to live life to the fullest. I have 10 years. The doctors gave him 10 years to live.

Starting point is 01:58:23 Yep. So just trying to live life to the fullest and having a good time, and it was raining. It was so weird. I actually was at one of those camps. Oh, no. No, there's a hundred... No, the aftermath. I was helping look for people.

Starting point is 01:58:39 There's a hundred people dead, William. I was helping looking for people. Did you see the article today about the Navy diver up in the helicopter? I was with that guy. What were you doing exactly with him? I was lowering the rope down. It was on this pulley system

Starting point is 01:58:54 and I had to lower the rope down really fast. Is there video in this? And I do it back up. Oh my God. You're in charge of that? Yes. How many people? They knew I was doing all the rowing

Starting point is 01:59:04 and they're like, okay, this guy's gonna be strong enough and yeah, I helped save 100 people this weekend. Wow, amazing. I'm surprised nobody clapped for that. That's incredible. Yeah, a little fucked up. Little fucked up. So what types of people did you save?

Starting point is 01:59:21 What did they look like? Oh my gosh, it was, well, this was a bunch of whites. I was thinking maybe the Hispanic people or something, but it was mainly white people at these camps. Very interesting. Why do you think that is? Why do you think there's so many white people at camps? I don't know, honkies be crazy, man.

Starting point is 01:59:41 I mean, honkies, I don't know. I was always, I would always, I was always scared of getting homesick, so I never... I only went to day camps growing up. Ooh, day camp. What would you do... What did you like to do at day camp? Fuck. I used to love making pottery at day camp. I used to love going in the lake.

Starting point is 01:59:59 All kinds of stuff. It was really fun. Uh, I'm trying to think of more stuff. Yeah, take it nice and slow. Think of some stuff that you love to do at camp. Name something. Red band. Help me. No, no, red band. No, red band can't help you. This can't be a... can't be part of the thing. You got to just think of things on your own.

Starting point is 02:00:18 Uh... What would you do at the camp? Uh... Why don't you name some more things you get at Dollar General then? Pfft. Pfft. What would you do at the camp? Why don't you name some more things you get at Dollar General then? Pfft. Pfft.

Starting point is 02:00:26 Pfft. Pfft. Pfft. Some motherfuckin'. I'm sorry, I'm freezing up for, I'm freezing up though. Maybe a motherfuckin' slinky. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Starting point is 02:00:36 Maybe. Pfft. Pfft. It's kinda fun. It's kinda fun to do, yo. Maybe a motherfuckin' candy bar. Yeah. Ooh, I like this to do, yo. Maybe a motherfucking candy bar. Ooh, I like this.

Starting point is 02:00:47 Ooh, okay. Um, uh... Maybe, uh... Basketball! Oh! They got basketballs for a dollar? Yes, a dollar general. Are they, like, tiny basketballs?

Starting point is 02:01:00 Okay. What else? Maybe a motherfucking... Live action Snow White doll. No, not that dumbass. Uh... Okay. What else? Maybe a motherfuckin'... Live action Snow White doll. No, not that! Dumbass! God!

Starting point is 02:01:10 You know how to really fuckin' butcher a fun thing Tony and I are doing together, dumbass. Yeah. Fucking idiot. Maybe a motherfuckin' marble! Yeah! A single marble. Maybe single marble. It's all bananas. No. Yeah.

Starting point is 02:01:26 Maybe an apple. These people are not entertaining. Yeah. I'm sweating and ugh. You are. Your carotid artery is acting up. I know. My neck is constantly hurting now, Tony.

Starting point is 02:01:34 It feels like my neck. It feels like I can feel the plaque in my neck. So I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating.

Starting point is 02:01:42 I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating. I'm sweating and ugh. You are, your carotid artery's acting up. I know, my neck is constantly hurting now, Tony. It feels like my neck, it feels like I can feel the plaque in my neck, so. Ah, wow. But it's fun to be here, Tony. What else do you get at Dollar General, William?

Starting point is 02:02:04 Shit, Tony, I mean, I've been getting a bunch of puzzles! Um... He loves puzzles. I know. I'm still stuck on one, Tony. It's been a month. What's the puzzle that you're stuck on right now? It has all these women's hands with different colored fingernail polish.

Starting point is 02:02:22 Whoa. They're, like, grabbing stuff on a table, and it's, like, a couple lobsters, it's different seafood items, but the hands are hard as fuck and the table's a white table so it's just a really hard puzzle so I'm about to call it quits. And I bought two more

Starting point is 02:02:36 so I have two more ready in the chamber but I'm about to call it quits on this one. You got puzzles in the chamber. I got two of them in the chamber, Tony. Wow, you got puzzles in the chamber. I got two of them in the chamber, Tony. Oh, wow. You got puzzles in the chamber. Oh, my goodness. What are the other puzzles that you have in the chamber, William? Oh, well, I'm really looking forward to the one.

Starting point is 02:02:53 It's, uh, like somebody just opened a refrigerator, so it's a bunch of different foods, uh, in the refrigerator. What types of foods are in the refrigerator? Fuck. We're talking watermelon, Tony! Whoa! I don't know, sandwiches, all different kinds of stuff. William Montgomery has done it again, ladies and gentlemen. The red goat is thriving.

Starting point is 02:03:17 Business is booming. The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belt is in. Make some goddamn noise for the great Greg Fitzsimmons. He's going to La Jolla Potsdown P.A. Point Pleasant, New Jersey. Fitzdog.com, F-I-T-Z-D-O-G.com. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew up tonight. Live in-house.

Starting point is 02:03:36 Ooh, Ari Matty, look at that. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Thank you to Nick, Nicotine Pouches, and Open Phone. This was so much, did you guys have fun tonight? Yeah! So did we, right, band? Check out the Sunset Strip, sunsetstripatx.com.

Starting point is 02:03:56 Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody! Yeah! I'm gonna go get some food. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! for tickets.

KILL TONY - #728 - GREG FITZSIMMONS

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