KILL TONY - #729 - CHRIS O'CONNOR + RYAN O'NEILL

Episode Date: July 29, 2025

Chris O'Connor, Ryan O'Neill, Ari Matti, Kam Patterson, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Kristie Nova, Yoni, Troy Conrad, TonyHinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED– 07/14/2025 OpenPhone is offering our listeners 20% off of your first 6 months at https://openphone.com/killtony. We have a special offer just for Kill Tony listeners. NYKD hooked it up with 35% off your first three orders, only if you order now at  https://nykdpouches.com/tony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

-♪ Hey, this is Redmayne, coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand-new episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchcock! Scream! Who's ready for the best fucking night of your lives, huh? And the best damn band in the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raúl Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Michael González, Big Mike on the drums. This is Sean Greenberg joining us again here tonight. Matt Mueling's away. The great John Dees on the keys. And this is, believe it or not, the one and only,

the great and powerful, the force of nature, D Madness on the bass guitar. Oh my God, what a special, there's a special vibe in the room tonight. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible other than Bluechew, Zippercruter and Shopify who are exclusively the sponsors of this episode. Here's the others. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's show? You know, every single week I book two of the best comedians in the world.

We're really doing it, Red Band. We're really doing it. And this week is no different. It's not St. Patty's Day, but they are both extremely Irish. One is one of the greatest emcees in Comedy Store history, the first man to ever bring me onstage, May 7th, 2007. And the other one is truly one of my favorite comedians, one of my favorite drinking buddies. They're both two of my favorite comedians.

Make some noise for tonight's guests. It's Chris O'Connor and Ryan O'Neil, everybody. Monsters, two of the funniest people I know. Ryan O'Neil, Chris O'Connor. It's the O episode of Kill Tony. Welcome to the show guys, Ryan O'Neill, Chris O'Connor. What an exciting start to the episode. Guns a blazin', everything is happening.

Ryan O'Neill has the SlopQuest podcast and he's at Ryan O'Neill Comedy on everything with two L's. Chris O'Connor is one of the stars of the show Tires. I don't know if you guys know the number one comedy series in the world. He's in Cleveland on August 15th and 16th. AcrissoConnor.com, literally the world's worst website for tickets. AcrissoConnor, is there an apostrophe in that website? No.

I tried. He is Chris O'Connor comedy on everything social media. Very, very exciting. We are going to have some fun tonight. You guys, Ryan O'Neil was a guest, I believe, very early on, 11, 12 years ago. Belly room, main room, you've done it all. I've done it all.

First time at the mothership. Ryan O'Neill moved here this week, one of the best comedians in the world. Thank you. Chris O'Connor moved here last year, one of the best comedians in the world. It's very exciting. But you guys know how it works, you've all done it.

230 tonight, ladies and gentlemen. Two, three, zero. Waiting in a bar next door, hoping that they get pulled out of this bucket. I'm gonna let the world's palest woman pull the first name here. There's a lot of other things I could have made fun of. I don't know why you're getting offended.

I chose pale, which is the nicest of the things I could have said. And hell yeah. So the first bucket pull is getting wrangled. You guys know how it works. When I pull their name out of the bucket, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten.

That means they have to wrap it up then, or else they bring out the angriest Hollywood bear. Which rudely interrupts them. And then I conduct an interview, and me and my esteemed panel all fucking have fun figuring out what else they should talk about or what else about their lives is interesting. They go from a comedian to a podcast guest in 60 seconds.

The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show? Well, while we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we are gonna watch a golden ticket winner start the show with a brand new minute, everybody. The calm, cool styles of Make Some Noise for Colin Sledge, everyone. A new minute from Colin Sledge. Thank you.

I'm here to bust it wide open. I got picked on in school when I was growing up. One time this kid put a sticker on my school when I was growing up. One time this kid put a sticker on my back that said, Kick me. He thought that was funny. So I put a sticker on his back. It was just a target.

He was like, I don't get it. I was like, you'll get it tomorrow. I was always nervous around girls growing up. I mean, I still am, but when I was always nervous around girls growing up. I mean, I still am, but when I was growing up, my dad used to tell me, it's important to remember that girls are more afraid of you than you are of them. And I said, why?

He said, you're creepy. They don't like you. You're gonna be alone for a long time. My parents didn't really, like, believe in me sexually when I was growing up, you know? Like, one time my parents found this girl's panties in my bedroom, and my dad confirmed, he's like, so you think you're a girl, huh? Yeah.

Thank you. He's done it again. Another strong new minute by the dry stylings of Colin Sledge. Welcome back, Colin. Thank you. Is this true? Were you bullied as a kid kind of? Uh, somewhat. Nothing too hardcore, but yeah.

Okay. How about as an adult? Are you bullied as an adult? Only on this show. Perfect. Absolutely perfect, Colin. And your dad, are you close with your dad? Yes, very close.

I sort of live with them. Oh, you do. How old are you? I'm 30. 30, living with your parents. Have you ever not lived with your parents? I went to Mississippi State for one year and then I transferred back.

To your parents' house. Yeah, well, I went to a college in Houston. Yeah. I had a good year there, maybe. Okay, one year in Mississippi State. So you've lived with your parents 29 out of 30 years, it says here on my spreadsheet that I have here. So what's your plan?

What's my plan? Well, I was thinking about getting a place here so I could sort of be in both cities at the same time. Well, if you got a place here, you wouldn't be in the other city at the same time. Yeah, well, driving back and forth, like, whoa, I sort of hit a bird on the way here, and I don't want to drive back anymore

because I have, like, a guilty conscience now. Wow. You hit a bird with your car. It might have been two. I was... Was it some kind of jungle bird, perhaps, according to my co-host, Brian Redban? I think it was two doves. I don't know if I hit both or just one, but I was...

Jesus, were they turtle doves, perhaps? I don't know. I'm colorblind, so I'm not sure. You might have the worst luck on planet Earth. If you hit turtle doves, that means you're gonna have a rough Christmas, from what I know. Yeah, it felt spiritually very damaging. Yeah. Damn. No doubt about it. Tremendously bad luck.

And doves mate for life. So, killed one of them. The other one's fucked. Yeah, don doubt about it. Tremendously bad luck. And Doves mate for life. So, killed one of them, the other one's fucked. Yeah, don't remind me. I don't want to widow a Dove. I kind of hope that I got both of them. You were asking about a job, right? Like, what was your plan for a job? I think he just wanted me to move out of my parents' house.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, but he was like, what's the plan? You're like, oh, let's just get another place. Oh, yeah. Yeah. I mean, I... I teach piano and I do comedy and... Oh, sick. Yeah. Do you like living with your parents?

Uh, it's pretty... Yeah, we're close. It's pretty chill. You know, I have a garage apartment, so, you know, there's some degree of space. Yeah, just make sure your dad doesn't warm up the car in the morning. You're gonna fucking die, dude. So, how long have you lived in the garage? Uh, I guess when I moved back from college,

um, they might have built it so I would be further away from them. But, yeah, it was around that time. College? College? College. Did I say it weird? Yeah.

I'm sorry. So it's separate from the house. There's not a direct doorway. Yeah. Okay. That's exciting. But when you say garage, does it mean there's a garage door on the front? Well, there's a garage door and then front? Well, there's a garage door, and then there's a regular stout door next to it.

Uh-huh. But that's just all you in there. There's no cars in the garage. Well, there's one car in the garage you can pull in the garage. So you sleep next to a car? No, there's an apartment above the garage. Oh, it's above? Yeah, it's a garage apartment.

Okay. Yeah, it doesn't sleep next to the car. I mean, you're so close. You're saying it like I'm gonna pull the garage apart. Okay. Yeah, they don't sleep next to the car. I mean, you're so close. You're saying it like I'm the asshole. You sleep directly above a fucking car. So whether it's your next door neighbor or it's just below you, you're next to a fucking car.

Yeah. Up or down, side to side. Yeah. Vroom, vroom. That's fair. You're next to a car, buddy. Yeah. Basically, the car is on the bottom bunk.

You're in bunk beds with a car, as far as I'm concerned. What kind of car is it? It's my stepmom's BMW, Susan. Wow. Wow. Seems like there's one thing in that garage that your parents don't want to live without. That's good. It's the BMW.

Do they ever hint to you that it's maybe time to, like, get away from them? don't want to live without. That's good. It's the BMW. Do they ever hint to you that it's maybe time to get away from them? Not really, but I sort of feel like it is time anyway. Do you have siblings? I do have a brother. He lives in Honduras. See?

Your brother is in the opposite of your parents' garage. It's incredible. In fact, in Honduras, there's a chance of hitting an actual jungle bird. There it is, the sound of a jungle bird, everybody. Colin, you got it started with a new minute. Congratulations. Fun times. That's the way that it works.

Golden, take a winner with a strong minute to show you how it's done. Colin Sledge. Now this is where things get interesting because we go to the sweet, sweet bucket of destiny, which means we're about to either meet somebody or see somebody again that most likely meets somebody. That this could be crazy people.

It could be the next fucking great talent of the show or it could be pure insanity. They could be a 15, 20 year veteran of comedy. They could be a couple months in. It could be their first time. It could be whatever. You get it. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket full of the night

goes by the name of Surge AM. Surge AM. Here we go. ["Surge AM"] Oh shit, what's going on guys here in Austin. Yeah, that guy lived in my garage. Oh shit. Yeah, someone once told me that human trafficking is horrible. I look back and I go, hey man, just because that's how I got to this country doesn't mean that you could fucking

talk shit about my life, you know what I'm saying? My sister's part of the LGBTQ community, clap it up. But for her, but for her that stands for let's get another bottle of tequila. You know, fucking drunk. Yeah, you know, it doesn't make sense. You know what doesn't really make sense? She's bisexual and she works at Chick-fil-A.

So technically she's a LGBTQ CIA agent. Yeah. Yeah. Immigration got her last week. Yeah. People will say, um, I'm a happy drunk, just hasn't gotten drunk enough. Like, have you ever woken up still drunk, driving on the street?

All right, Serj AM, thank you very much. Wow. Repeating his name at the end of his set like he wants you to remember where you saw that magic come from. SirJM, forget the name. Wow, how long you been doing stand-up, Serge? I've been doing it for about a year. Okay, how often, how often are you working this out?

So I started my early 20s, and I started at the secret group in Houston. And I just came out to Austin. I watched Kill 20. I saw Enrique Chacon on. I was like, dude, I remember this guy. I moved from Colorado to Austin. So I can, you know. How long have you been in Austin for about a month? I've been about a month.

Yeah. Been doing a lot of open mics and stuff. Yeah. So those jokes. About a month. And you've been doing a lot of open mics and stuff. Yeah. So those are all jokes. You've been doing those jokes? Yeah. Yes. OK. And people are laughing in the room at these open mics?

Yes. They are. Yeah. Is it mostly comedians? Sometimes they're comedians. Sometimes there's actual audience members and stuff like that. OK. Here's the catch, Serge.

Is it almost nothing you said made any sense whatsoever? So if there are people laughing, you're performing in front of insane people. That's the good news and the bad news. Heard, yeah, I got you, yeah. Ryan O'Neil. This is why we can't have Latinos anymore, sir. You're fucking it up.

Yeah. Yeah, you're ruining it for everybody. Your first joke, that guy sleeps in my garage, but we just talked to him about how he's slept in his parents' garage for 29 and a half years. The other year is Mississippi State, so that didn't make sense. Human trafficking, people complain,

but that's how I got here. Not really a joke. Sister, sister's gay, but she's LGBTQ. Let's get another bottle of tequila. Doesn't make, not a joke. Yeah, yeah. Like you're calling, well, but she's LGBTQ. Let's get another bottle of tequila. Doesn't make, not a joke. Like you're calling, well, my sisters are drunk. Like that's a setup. Yeah, yeah.

She works at Chick-fil-A, which makes her LGBTQ CIA. Why? Why would that, why does that make her CIA? Working at Chick-fil-A, explain that one. Just, let's just, let's just go with that one. I have questions. I have more questions than a 60 second set should ever have about specifically your 60,

I don't even care about your life. I'm obsessed with how weird that set was. So explain the CIA Chick-fil-A. Fuck, I don't know. I just, you know. You don't know? No, I do, I do. You wrote it.

You should at least have some fucking weird theory. I thought about the letters. I just added the CIA at the end. But if it was Chick-fil-A, why would it be CIA? No, no. I... Huh? Don't look at the audience for help. His sweaty armpits, I just like, oh shit, my bad. No, no, no. Stick with me up here, buddy. I'm getting easily distracted.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, I don't know, I fucking came up with it. I was drunk one night and just thought about it. And I thought, I thought it was personally, I thought it was funny, I don't know. Jesus Christ. Whew. I think it's a good joke.

Thank you. I think it's a good joke. Surge. He's just sitting, he's an artist. He's just sitting at the table, he doesn't have to feed you. I think it's a good joke. Surge. He's just sitting there. He's an artist. He's just sitting at the table. He doesn't have to feed you.

You know what I mean? And then at the end you said your sister got deported by immigration, but that didn't happen either, right? No, it did not happen. Right. Is your sister really gay? Yeah, no, it did not happen. Right. Is your sister really gay? She is gay, yeah. How do you know?

She has a girlfriend. Okay. Do you have a girlfriend? I do not. What do you do for work? I'm a server at the moment, yeah. You're a server? Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, at a restaurant called Sawgrass. Okay. Yeah. Oh, Dee, you made a noise there. You like Sawgrass? You do? What do you get when you go to Sawgrass, D Madness? I get a...

Tell the truth. Oh, you're saying steak? You're lying. No, I'm not. No, really? No, my ex-fiance took me to Sawgrass for the first time I was there. Okay.

Okay, Dee. Real answers from the first time I was up. Okay. Okay, D. Um, real answers from the great D Madness, a steak. Hell yeah. Ex-fiance, that's a sad... No. Is it real? Oh, shit, you got D mad already. Maybe for you, motherfucker.

You guys can't hear what he's saying. Might be sad for you, you bitch-ass punk-ass bitch. And D does not let anyone get a fucking thing in on him, by the way. Nope. Nope. Dee, how do you like your steak? Medium rare.

Medium rare. Fuck yeah. Absolutely. Absolutely fucking lutely. All right. Surge, what do you do for fun? Give us one good redeeming quality about you, something that's going to make this whole room like you out of fucking nowhere. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely.

Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely. the crowd makes when there's someone that we all know will not be good at freestyling. There is a zero percent chance this is going to go good. This is going to be incredible. Chris O'Connor. It's just letters. LGBTQ CIA, I was having a really good day up until now. Until I got pulled out of the pocket.

Turns out I suck at this. All right, Surge. How long did you freestyle for? This is something you took kind of seriously? Yeah, yeah, I moved out to Colorado and I was just making music and music videos and stuff like that. Ladies and gentlemen, talk to Michael about a beat. Michael, play it nice and light so that we can all hear exactly what the hell he's saying.

And this, ladies and gentlemen, on a show where absolutely anything can happen is Surge AM. Yeah. Uh. I guess my set was actually pretty phony. I don't even know. I got my 60 seconds on Kill Tony Clap it up here we go once again when I shine

I will never show anybody that I pretend Yo fuck it my sister is gay I made it every day as my motherfucking hoes But you know that I don't even care about these hoes I'm a go getter Yeah that's me everybody knows when I never fucking sleep, I write stupid jokes. Yeah, that was exactly how I thought it was gonna go. Serge, here's a little joke book. Oh boy, wow.

Wow, there he goes, Serge AM everybody. Make some noise for Serge, he tried his best. Serj AM everybody. Make some noise for Serj. He tried his best. Tried his best. Oh, listen to that pop. The great Heidi has arrived everybody. There she is, live in the flesh. All right, keeping it moving along. Your next bucket full goes by the name of Jason Vest,

everyone, Jason Vest. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! I lost my virginity at the Asian massage parlor by a saggy, tittied, wrinkly, old ass Asian woman that looked like Mr. Miyagi. She had a raspy voice. She was like, Spail your eggs.

Her name was Mama-san. She taught me many lessons, and this is what she taught me. When paying for pussy at the Asian massage parlor, always tell Mama-san you have a latex allergy. Even when you don't, there's a pretty good chance she cannot accommodate your request and you'll get bareback sex for free.

Make sure your happy ending ends with you nutting in that bitch's cervix. Yeah. Drain your ball sack, not your bank account. Always tell Mama Son, always ask Mama Son if she's got a new girl on rotation. Add some variety to your Asian pussy portfolio, guys. Jeez. All right, thank you.

All right, Jason Vest. Admitting to rape, as his comedy set tonight. Whoa. Whoa. Hi, Jason. Whoa, whoa, whoa, it's consensual. How are you? Doing good, Tony, I'm doing good.

I've always wondered what Santa's elves do in the off season. This is incredible. So last time you were on this show before, and you did, you talked about a lot of crazy like sex stuff, and here you are, guns a blazing, right on brand. Is any of this true? Oh yeah, I'm the Anthony Bourdain Asian Pussy, man. I was always going to massage parlors.

Wow. And what happened? You said that like it's in the past now. You no longer go? I'm reformed and now I just help men achieve success by giving advice, helping my brethren out. How did you reform? How did I reform? I got married. Okay.

And she said, well, you can't be having sex with Asian pussy anymore. So I've been married for 20 years, guys. 20 years. Okay. And she said, well, you can't be having sex with Asian pussy anymore. So I've been married for 20 years, guys. 20 years. Wow. 20 years. No one's excited about that.

To a woman. To a woman. She's gonna love this shit. Yeah. Amazing. So, Jason, remind us, how long have you been doing stand-up? Five years. And what do you do for work?

I'm retired from the National Guard. Whoa. Wow. Thank you for your service, I guess. Where did you serve exactly? The North Pole. Ha ha ha ha. There it is.

The sweet Santa landed on the roof. He wants to see this. I was a recruiter for the National Guard in Jackson, Michigan, Lake George, New York, and I worked in Chicago, Illinois, too, for a little while. Okay, wow. Some of the places where we need our military the most.

Okay, what's the craziest thing that happened? What's the most, like, violent thing you had to do in the military at the National Guard? The most violent thing I ever had to do? I never really had to do anything violent. Like, and Guard? The most violent thing I ever had to do? I never really had to do anything violent. And I was a recruiter, so it was like a basic job. People come in and they wanna join the military.

You lie to them to get them to join. It's just a simple process. What's a trick you would use to get them to join? I would tell them anything. Let's say someone came in and they wanted to be a cook. Nobody that joins the military wants to cook the damn food. They want to do like cool Rambo shit.

So I'd be like, listen, you're going to be like an executive chef for the president or some shit. I was the top recruiter for the Michigan Army National Guard, Tony. We talked about this. Wow. Damn. Bragg a lot?

Braggadocious. Incredible. Okay, Jason, what's something interesting about you that we didn't find out last time you were on the show? Something interesting about me, I am a compulsive eater. Oh, okay, let's talk about it. I mean, my wife's gotta hide the peanut butter jars. I am a compulsive eater, I'm a recovering alcoholic,

and I just treated for food. I just treated booze and everything for food, and I just compulsively. What's the most pig-ish thing you've ever done eating food? I spent $45 in DoorDash from Whataburger. Wow. That's actually not that bad. Yeah, it's not.

I see it. It's like... It's not that bad. I see your food order, I follow you. Yeah. Those middle of the night Instagram stories by Red Band. Windies. Oh, yeah.

No doubt about it. Jason, what does your wife do? My wife is a photographer, and she works for an orthodontist office. And so she runs a call center. She works from home. And she helps me edit my videos. And remind us, what kind of videos are you making, Jason?

I make content. I make a lot of massage parlor videos where I use my past experiences to help men get Asian pussy. Like, I do that as a service, Tony. No one needs this advice. Yeah. Have you been? Yes, you just pay for sex.

It's great. No, that's the point. He's teaching etiquette. Yeah, how dare you the condom is for your protection. Oh, no, I go bareback brother bear back Christ. Oh my god, bear back. You are the fucking weirdest dude Can't quite figure it out. You're an interesting guy Dude, can't quite figure it out. You're an interesting guy. What's the craziest video that you've ever made?

The craziest video I ever made was a true story. So I got on Kill Tony the last time, and my social media clips blew up. I told a drunken story. And these big corporate whiskey-ist lobbyists reach out to me and ask me to make content to get people to stop drinking Crown Royal because in Canada they're throwing American whiskey off the shelves over this Donald Trump tariff

bullshit. And they wanted me to make videos and I first off I grew up in Michigan on the Detroit border. I'm like I didn't feel comfortable doing it and the guy was like it's $700 for a 30-second video. I'm like fuck Canada. Some of the best stories are drinking American whiskey, am I right? Jack Daniels, hell yeah. Fireball. All right, Jason.

What size joke book did you get last time? I got a big one. Okay, well guess what? Here's a little something to add to your collection. It's a little one. Ah, the first catch of the night, Jason Best. There he goes, everybody. Whoa, I just accidentally ripped this in half.

That's a first. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for... You guys having fun out there, huh? Couple of very odd bucket pulls to start the show, but it's okay. Make some noise for your next bucket pull. Patrick Lake, everyone. Patrick Lake.

-♪ When cops that are looking to get laid get rejected, do they jump straight into, stop resisting, stop resisting, stop resisting? A doctor's office from my hometown was raided. The doctor there was arrested and charged with crimes related to trading sex for pills and sexual imposition on patients.

And as a patient of that practice, when news broke, I couldn't believe that someone told. That was Dr. Feelgood. I went to Doc for back pain, and everything started normal enough. Doc started checking me over and then doing those resistance checks. You know, don't let me push your arm down.

Good. Then the other side. Good. Don't let me pull your pants down. Wait, what? But before I could say anything, my pants and drawers were at my ankles. And Doc said, don't let me make you cum. Well, Doctor. And as I stood there getting topped off by my doctor, I realized I didn't know my insurance covered this,

and I didn't even have co-pay. Patrick Lake. Hello, buddy. How are you? Doing well. How are you guys doing? Good. How long you been doing stand-up heads? Just celebrated three years. Okay. How did you celebrate? By being worse than ever?

Did you celebrate by burning every joke you've ever written and starting from absolute scratch? Something like that, yeah. All right, okay, where was this three years at? Hell? Imagine that if you die and go to hell, you're the full-time comedian. You just keep doing your act 24 hours a day

and everybody has to stay awake and watch it all the time. Yeah. Was it in hell? Close, Dayton, Ohio. Dayton, Ohio. Pretty close. One of the closest cities to hell on planet Earth. Patrick, what do you do for work? Material scientist. What exactly is a material scientist? A nerd. I've got a background in chemistry, chemical engineering, and then specialize in nanomaterials. What exactly are nanomaterials? Like an additive to composites and parts.

Excellent properties into aerospace and defense applications, mostly used by the military. Do you have to wear a hard hat or a mask or something? Yeah, occasionally, yes. Yeah, like a mask? A mask, yeah. Okay. Is it dangerous? I mean, it can be if you were trying to eat it or breathe it.

Yeah, but as long as you handle it safely, it's. Have you ever seen anybody eat it or breathe it? No. OK. You've never seen anything go wrong with nanomaterials? I personally have not. No, I'm trying to be safe practices and all. Are you thinking about all that fucked up shit

while you're working on the materials? I know, I got into comedy as like a, you know, kind of a relief, a release. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Kind of a relief. So you're-

Let's just take the night off. You ever drug and rape chicks in a hospital? Just trying to relax here, guys. Just trying to- My doc got me started off on the wrong foot, yeah. Okay. You married? I was just recently divorced. How recently did you get divorced?

Like, it finalized two months ago. Two months. Fresh on the market. How long were you married for? 15 years. 15 years. Explain to me what went wrong. I think it was an accumulation of things,

but it came as a big surprise to me. I thought we were in counseling. And then... Let's talk about the accumulation, if you don't mind, because this is the most interesting thing about since you arrived at the stage. This, you know, the interview here is like kind of raw.

Yeah, nanomaterials, yeah, pretty cool. Nanomaterials wasn't cutting it. So when you say there was an accumulation of things that the 15 years went wrong, what do you mean exactly? Well, she was catching a lot of bodies during those 15 years. Whoa! Okay, all right. How do you know she was catching bodies?

Yeah, there were lots of signs. Can you give us some of the signs? We're all very interested. Yeah, well, STIs. Oh, shit, okay. Now we're talking. This is very compelling. Give this guy a round of applause, huh? That's what I love about this show, is all of a sudden,

it just hits you out of nowhere. At least I'm on the edge of my seat. Ryan O'Neill, you feel good about this, right? Yeah. Was this all happening while you were collecting turquoise? Like, what? Yeah. I got distracted. Yeah, maybe I should spend more time paying attention.

Keep your eye on the prize. That's right, yeah. It's a pretty stone though. Okay. So STIs, and so you caught an STI, which one out of curiosity? Actually, I didn't. She did.

And it was just on one of those appointments. I was like, hey, honey, you want me to come along? Oh, shit. And you went along with her. And I went along, yeah. And you're in the room and the doctor says, well, you have, um... Yeah, oh, I'm just gonna go ahead and send in some, yeah.

That's a suspicious man right there. I'm going with you. Yeah, I wanna see what it says. My God. I wanna see the lab results. Yeah, I find this so compelling. So can you kind of paint the picture for us? Yeah, I mean, like, she had a fishy smell

and I was like, you know, honey, this is- Oh, yeah, that'll do it. This is a little bit odd. And then, you know, honey, this is a little bit odd. And then, you know, she was kind of trying to glaze past that with the doc. And I was like, you know, hey, honey, what about that little fishy smell? And then, you know, the doc did a swab. And as soon as she got close to my then wife, she said, oh, nope, I'm going to call in a prescription for antibiotics.

And I said, well, do I need some too? And she said, oh, no, you'd be fine. There's only a. You sure she's just not Filipino shit known for the smell so the reason why you didn't need a swab I'm guessing is because you guys weren't actively having so yeah the thing that she was diagnosed with there was BV bacterial vag vigenosis, which apparently us fellas don't have to take something for us. Right. So did she admit to you like on the spot, on the drive home? Oh, no, no. She's going to deny it till she's dead.

Tanny bag guy. Yeah. So she stays dead. She's like, you know, I mean, yeah. But how do you know that she definitely did something? I mean, there were girls' trips, and there were, you know, there's, uh... She left her, like, message board open on the computer at home, so...

Got it. What messages did you see just out of curiosity? I mean, like, making plans for, like, you know, meet-ups in the woods when she'd go on. She's a bronc... In the woods. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh...

Yeah. The old jungle. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Uh. Yeah. The old jungle bird has arrived again. Go ahead. There's two reasons for that. One, I live in Yellow Springs, Ohio, so it's like a crunchy town, right? OK. And two, she's Portuguese.

And that's like where the prostitutes go, into the woods, actually. Really? That's a thing with Portuguese women? Portuguese? It was wild the first time I was in Portugal driving to the beach. Portugese? Okay how do you know Portuguese women fuck in the woods? That is a stereotype I've never heard. I thought all I do all day is I study stereotypes.

I've never heard this one. Yeah, we were on like a family excursion in Portugal, like to the beach, and we had to like drive through a section of like a wooded area, and there was like clearly a prostitute standing at the edge of the woods, and I was like, what is a woman doing in a nightgown, like at 11 o'clock in the morning? Next thing you know, I mean, it's like not the environment.

This episode is brought to you by Bluetooth, by the way. It's a little fun fact. ZipRecruiter and Shopify. Wow, this is so interesting. It's crazy. It's amazing. Were there any at the Ryan O'Neil? Well, I like how you led with girls' trips when you have messages of her meeting in the woods. You should have just led with that.

I mean, you know, she was indiscriminate in terms of gender. Hooking up with guys and girls. Oh, interesting. Do you know what kind of... Pfft. Red Band's heart is a rock right now. Do you know...

Did she grow up here or did you import her? An import, yeah. You did? You really did. Where did you find her? Online? We actually met at a conference. Yeah, we were at a scientific conference. Was it a sex addicts anonymous conference? No, it was like a science and engineering conference.

Ryan O'Neill? Yeah, I mean you can take the girl out of Portugal, but you can't keep her out of those woods. You know what I'm saying? That's the old... That's right. It was a science conference? It really was, yeah.

Was she a scientist too? Yeah, yeah, she is. Wow. You think she'd be better at covering her tracks. One wood thing. It must rule to be a kid in Portugal. Fucking go into the woods. It's just... Just pushing everyone around.

That's all we did as kids. You go into the woods and, like, ride bikes and shit, look for pornos, and there's just naked ladies walking around. It sounds like they're eating each other out. It's like you're amazing. Build a fort, get your tics up, you know, the usual kid stuff. Yeah.

Wow. But you didn't have any kids with her or anything? Oh, we do. We had two kids. Oh, shit. Okay. So you got kids. Are they yours?

They are, yeah. Yeah. Like, yeah. My kids look exactly... I've got three kids. They all look exactly like me. Are you sure? Really? Are you positive?

Like really positive, yeah. I have a girlfriend now and she's a... Are you sure one of them doesn't look like a tree or something like that? Do you have a brother? I do have a brother. Oh, boy. Has she ever hung out with your brother, perhaps?

I mean, yes. Wow. I'm not too worried about that one, but, uh... You should be. You should be. He's like, what does your brother do? He's a hunter. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha.

Ha ha ha. Amazing. Well, Patrick, like I said, the set was one thing, but you know what? Your fucking interview was so goddamn badass that I'm giving you a big joke book. A big black one, just like your ex-wife's probably has right now. Definitely. Thank y'all. There goes Patrick Lake, everybody.

All right. Damn. Damn. That was a hell of an interview. Oh my goodness. All right. This looks like a brand new name. I know it for a fact. That's always exciting.

Make some noise for Wisdom Anderson. Wisdom Anderson is the fourth bucket poll. God damn, that was a bad bitch up here. Shit. Where'd y'all find her at? God damn. Let's get to the minute. Like, I heard y'all talking about stereotypes earlier, and I probably did the blackest shit you could probably do. I got fired by a white woman on Juneteenth.

Like, I mean, how the fuck does that even happen? I thought that was the one day y'all supposed to chill on us. Just the one fucking day y'all was supposed to chill on us. But God is a colorful asshole like that because if he would have did that, I wouldn't have been here. So I'm like, I know you was looking out for me. I know you was looking out for me. But I should have known though, some shit started to happen different in my life. I started looking at white women a little bit differently, started looking a little bit better to me. I said, I got to be coming to some motherfucking money, because only money can get a white woman

to start talking to you. I'm like, I don't know what the fuck is going on right now. Okay? Y'all looking at me like, this nigga is not fucking funny. I knew I was gonna get you with that one. I knew y'all was gonna get you with that one. But I like to get into the riffing and shit.

I wasn't gonna come up with a fucking set. Y I was gonna get you with that one. But I like to get into the riffing and shit. I wasn't gonna come up with a fucking set. Y'all gotta pay me for that. This shit for free! Oh, I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it.

Okay. Wisdom Anderson. Is that your real name, Wisdom? Fuck no, I got a slave name. My name is Elgin. Come on now. That's not some shit you get on your feet. It's better than wisdom. Hey.

I mean... Wisdom sucks. ... Wisdom sucks. Wisdom, how long you been doing stand-up comedy? Better question. How do you look like both main characters from the hit movie White Man Can't Jump? You look like Wesley Snipes in the body and face,

and you have the hat of Woody Harrelson in that movie. It's Woody's hat and everything else, Wesley Snipes. This is incredible. You know what it was? I played baseball. That's what it was. You did? I played baseball.

Okay, what position? Had two parents, That's why. Okay, let's go one question at a time here, Elgin. No, I'm kidding. Wisdom. All right, so how long you been doing stand-up? Shit, I've been funny my whole life. In front of black people. I guess you just stopped before you came out here?

Yeah, yeah. All right. So how long you been doing stand-up? Mm, 2021? Okay. I wrote my first joke during COVID. It was a fucked up time. Okay, relax. Let's just go one question.

Are you on drugs or anything right now? Next question. All right. Crack is the answer, everybody. So this is exciting. No, no, no, no. Just a little bit of trees. A little bit of trees. Okay, a little bit of trees. No cocaine. No eight ball. Okay. no. Just a little bit of trees, a little bit of trees. Okay, a little bit of trees.

No cocaine, no eight ball. Okay, when you say a little bit of trees, did you fuck the last guy's wife? Okay, next question. Stick with me here. I mean. What do you do for work, exactly? Did you really get fired on Juneteenth?

Why would the fuck I would come up? Yes, that really happened. Okay, some people write jokes. No, no, no, that's not, I only talk about my real fucking life. Okay, some people write jokes. No, no, no, that really, I only talk about my real fucking life. Okay, so, okay, very good. So, we okay, what?

You might wanna try jokes. You gotta switch it up. I get paid for real jokes. I wouldn't come up here and tell a real sad. Okay, stick with me. Stick with me here, wisdom. Now that's wisdom. Yeah.

Hey. How often you get paid for real jokes? What are we talking about here? Um, last October, I did the House of Blues in Houston. Okay, I mean, how did you get that gig? You didn't headline it, right? It wasn't live from the House of Blues. Wisdom Anderson. No, no, I was a feature act because I'm on the radio,

and I tell jokes on the radio. You're a DJ. Radio DJ? No, I'm a personality. I work for I Heart. So I actually write jokes for real. OK. OK. Got it.

Don't get mad with me. No, no. I'm great. OK. So you write jokes for the radio. The first joke that you wrote during COVID, what was that joke? Do you remember? It was about white people getting free kidneys. It was something about that. It was about alcohol people getting free kidneys.

It was something about that. It was about alcohol and kidneys. Okay. You made D. Madness the shame of his race. So he's gonna step away for a second. He's gonna come back in white face. Um, okay. So... what job did you get fired from on Juneteenth?

I was working at SMU. SMU, tell us, explain to the people exactly. Y'all know what that is, it's a lot of white people. There's Southern Methodist University. Okay, what were you doing at a university? What exactly were you mopping up at a university? I told you Tony, I come from a two pair black household. I played baseball.

You know I gotta be a little fucking smart. Okay, so let's go back to the questions smart guy. What was the job that you had at the university? I was teaching tech. You were teaching tech? Yes. And how and why did you get fired? I made white children tears.

You made white children's tears. Yes. Okay, what did you do to make white children cry? I told them, hey, you're selfish. Okay, what was the context of this, Wisdom? He was being selfish. Okay, but what was going on, Wisdom? He wanted the teacher to only solely focus on him.

So, I teach tech students to teach youth tech. So the teacher in the classroom... Wow, you're like Tech Night. Okay. So the teacher in the classroom... Wow, you're like Tech N9ne. Okay. Let's just get off of this whole confusing university thing.

Um, the ring around your neck, whose ring is that? Where did you get that from? I mean, Amazon. You can find anything. You bought that off Amazon? Yeah, why wouldn't I? Why would I buy real gold? I can't really get that shit from Africa. Shit, why the fuck would I buy real gold? Every single answer that you've given on this show is psychotic.

Yes, it's supposed to be. The last comedian that was up gave honest answers about his whore ex-wife and crushed, it was so interesting. You didn't ask about that. Well, I can tell you this. Okay. I haven't fucked in probably about 276 days.

So that should let you know I'm married. That should let you know right there. Roughly. Right there. You're roughly 276 days. Roughly 276. I've been keeping count. If any married men are in here,

y'all know the fucking problem. Y'all know the problem. So you're married. Oh, y'all don't? Oh, it's just me. Fuck. I'm trying so hard with you. You are on the show right now. Do you know this?

Yes. Okay. You're married. This is where you would answer the fucking question. Yes. Okay. So the ring around your neck, when I asked, what's the ring? It's not a wedding ring. You're married. This is where you would answer the fucking question. Are you married? Okay. So the ring around your neck.

When I ask, what's the ring? It's not a wedding ring. Okay. It's just a random ring. Just a random ring. And you don't wear a ring on your finger. No. Okay.

Why? When you not fucking at home, I gotta fuck somehow. My side bitch let me fuck. Boo. But you're not, but you just said you didn't have sex into you see why this Okay, so you're Stick with me here. You're admitting to have said this is why radio is completely dead, by the way Because they don't really communicate with people. They're not thinking anybody's listening. I don't talk about this on the radio

Okay, I know you don't talk about this on the radio. They're not thinking anybody's listening. I don't talk about this on the radio. Okay, I know you don't talk about this on the radio. You're not allowed, but you're allowed here. So you cheat on your wife? You already said it. I'm black. Now I'm just trying to ask you. I'm trying to confirm, or you could go, no, I was kidding.

Look at me. You know bitches want to fuck me, Tony. Come on now. Oh, my God. Dude, I tried so hard. There he goes, wisdom Anderson everybody. There he goes. It's okay wisdom, there you go.

There he goes, wow. The rare, uncharismatic black man. Very rare, a rare bird if you will. A rare bird. No, that's not. A rare bird. No, that's not the black bird. No, it's the rare African bird. There you go. All right, your next bucket pull, ladies and gentlemen,

on this very interesting episode. Make some noise for Vinny Flores, everybody. Vinny Flores. And one of the things that a lot of the veterans tell me is that you gotta be relatable. You gotta relate to your audience. So has anybody here ever done crack or heroin? See, when I was 17, I shot crack one day and heroin the next day with my older sister. We were in a motel on the run from the police

and she was actively being pimped out. That's never happened to anybody here. I'm just trying to be relatable here, guys. Listen, I'm sorry, all right? Uh, you know, it's not my fault, okay, that you guys didn't have a family full of people that love to make memories. And speaking of my sister's pussy,

yeah, you're goddamn right that shit got returned, customers, ladies and gentlemen. That shit put food on the table. We had to leave every two hours. And, you know, that deserves a purple heart, because her pussy got absolutely murdered. All right. Thank you. That's my time.

Okay. Vinny Flores, keeping the exact momentum of every bucket pull so far tonight. This is incredible. Is it just completely insane people signing up now? It's exciting. No one wants to make it anymore, huh? People just wanna come up here

and absolutely just fucking flop around. Vinny, how long have you been doing standup? About five months now. Five months. What made you start? The show is a big reason and also I went to... We have to stop the show. We are no longer contributing to a positive comedy environment in the world.

Okay. What do you do for work, Vinny? I work at a bar right now on 6th Street. You're a bartender or a door guy? A door guy, bar back. Okay. Yes, sir. And how long have you lived in Austin? About five months now. Where have you lived in Austin? About five months now.

Where did you live before that? Michigan. Michigan? Yes, sir. Wow, the rare Michigan Flores, huh? Yeah, there's a few Mexicans out there. What were you doing for work in Michigan? I was a welder.

A welder? Yes, sir. Why aren't you welding here? That's a good paying trade. I have about four years experience, and everyone out here has got like 20. So it's super competitive out here, so I have a hard time. Ah, interesting. Unlike comedy, right?

Yeah. Yeah. I get it. Like, let's go somewhere a little easier. Wow. Vinny, is it true about the crack in the heroin? Yes, that's all true. Let's talk about that.

Tell us about your history with crack in heroin. So I'm half white, half Mexican, and my white side is like Michigan white trash pretty much. So yeah, my mom was addicted to heroin. And yeah, I mean, I ended up, I tried it one time with my older sister. And then after that, I ended up. How old were you when you tried it?

I was 17. You were 17 years old, and did you inject heroin or smoke it? Injected it. So 17 years old, you had never done it before? Had your sister been doing it? Yeah, but she was actually on the run from a halfway house, so she had been given some pill or something

to where she couldn't take opiates, so she was shooting up crack. So that's why the day before, I had to shoot crack. She was injecting crack? She was injecting it, yeah. Yeah, yeah. You like melted down with vinegar, I guess.

Wow. I guess. It's like, wow. Wolfgang, fuck over here. He's fucking teaching us how to cook crack. Wow. So she like helped you do it and showed you how to do heroin? I actually had to kind of coax her into it.

Because I mean, listen, I was young. And at the time, I was like, I'll try anything at least one time. I want to experience the world, I guess. This is good for the world to hear what goes on to Michigan 17-year-olds, everybody. This is the dragon that they're chasing. So tell us about the first time the heroin hit those veins of yours.

It uh, so I like I said I already shot something the day before and she told me that the first time you shoot something you would puke. So I guess I kind of got that out of the way and uh yeah I was just sitting on the hotel bed and it hit me like a brick wall. And I just remember watching The Simpsons and trying to laugh. And it was like a zombie life, like, huh, huh, huh, huh. And then I just passed out and I woke up wanting to do more heroin, immediately.

And so you started looking for heroin. Yeah. So part of that story is since we were on the motel my sister's boyfriend was also there who was pimping her out and that night that I shot the heroin she we were going to get cigarettes from the gas station and we jaywalked and they're all on the run for felonies. I'm just on the run for like weed misdemeanor in Michigan and we're in Ohio at the time. Everybody has warrants.

Yeah, everybody has warrants. All three of you have warrants. It was us three and- And you're jaywalking. And we're jaywalking. To get cigarettes. Yes sir. This is like a tourist ad for the state of Michigan.

This is incredible. This was actually in Maumee, Ohio. Oh, well, don't talk about my mom like that first of all. Uh, Maumee, Ohio. I've never even heard of that. Top left corner? Yeah, yeah, so I'm from, uh, Adrian, which is like, it's 40 minutes from Toledo, so I'm like on the border, so if we want to do anything,

we go to either Mommy or Toledo area. Wow. Oh, my God. Which is shoe crack. You got Busted J-Walking, I'm guessing, is where the story's going? Uh, yeah. Okay. Yeah, uh, and then guessing, is where the story's going? Uh, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, and then, so the cop obviously... Notorious jaywalker, constant jaywalker, D Madness is back, everybody. This motherfucker crosswalks do not matter to him. All right. Very famous jaywalker. Okay. So, obviously, since he has felony's in his name,

he immediately just got booked. And I'm a minor at the time. So they're like, OK, well, we need to take you to a guardian. And I had no choice but to go back to the motel where my sister and her boyfriend's friend was. And luckily. It's a boyfriend's friend now, all of a sudden. Go on.

Yeah, yeah, there was four of us. Okay. And then it could have been fucking her. I don't know. Everybody was fucking her. But... Uh, yeah, uh... Should we marry a scientist right after this? Keep going, keep going. Just keep going. We went back to the motel,

and then the cop just kind of let me go in there, and then he went away, and then... He didn't notice that you were on heroin at all I wasn't on heroin yet this is like right before that was this was that night hell yeah and then I ended up doing his heroin but uh I couldn't do like what he would normally do I guess that's what she was telling me because I would overdose so I only did a little bit and then skip forward, woke up wanting to do more and turns out that the boyfriend's friend stole all the heroin and that just left me and my sister in the motel and then we were kind of fucked after that.

Best Thanksgiving ever, right? Sounds like you were fucked before that too. It also sounds like every time you did heroin you would just fall asleep and then wake up craving it. No real enjoyment whatsoever. Often when I asked people what it was like after they did heroin, they're like, oh, my God, I felt like a billion dollars. It's a feeling unexplainable. You're like, I went to sleep and woke up.

Yeah, pretty much. I mean, I would say it is probably, like, the best drug I've ever done. I mean, the feeling of it was like... Did you feel like you were 5'9"? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha big accomplishments, you ever save somebody's life or fucking do anything amazing, win an award perhaps? Nothing crazy like that. I used to play in bands, so that's like, that was some of the coolest stuff in my dreams.

What did you do in a band? I played guitar and bass, yep. Okay, don't worry, I'm not asking you to play. Yeah, okay, thank God. Thank God, that's what I was thinking. Denny, what ended up happening to your heroine using crackjecting sister? What's her OnlyFans?

She's doing good, supposedly, right now. She's a little iffy. She ended up marrying some 50-year-old, and they had a wedding in Mommy, and she was barefoot for that wedding. Yeah, so now she's just chilling, I guess, just smoking weed. That's what she says. I mean, I don't know. They might be doing crack. Did you go to the wedding?

Yeah. Yeah, I went to the wedding. Was he barefoot, too? No. Why was she barefoot? It's white trash. I mean, she literally forgot her shoes at the motel that they were staying at. Oh, my God.

Like, it's pretty bad. Michigan's gross. Wow. We have to start deporting half Mexicans, too. That's what this means to me. I don't know if you guys are with me on this, but I think I'm going to call my friends in the administration and say we need to.

I support it. If they're illegal, I support it 100%. I support it? OK. Vinny. All right, buddy. Well, you know, here's a little joke book for you. You can't mix it with vinegar, melt it down,

and then smoke it, but you can write some jokes. All right, thank you. There he goes. Vinny Flores, everybody. Keep writing. Keep trying, Vinny. I have to tell people that so they don't fucking relapse on heroin and shit on their way out. They're like, okay, you told me to do it again. Like, keep signing up. Keep signing up, Benny.

Keep writing and signing up, Benny. Don't give up tonight, Benny. I'll see him fucking slouched over in the alley tomorrow. Okay, this is a moment that a lot of people have been waiting for. Ladies and gentlemen, the man I'm about to bring to the stage, this is only his second appearance ever on the show. Ever. He's not a golden ticket winner.

He's not a regular. But the man went so insanely out of control viral his last time on the show that I absolutely had to bring him back. A disruptor of the force of natural moving comedy. Some people are saying the next big thing. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the long-awaited return of Timmy No Breaks. ["No Breaks"] ["No Breaks"]

["No Breaks"] ["No Breaks"] Who's ready for the best fucking minute of their lives? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! What do you do for a living?

You're a student? Not what I'm looking for. Uh... What do you do for a living? I feed. Oh, fucking mother... Uh... What do you do for a living? Oh, fucking mother... What do you do for a living? And you, what do you do for a living?

Time check? All right, come on, guys, let's go. What do you do for a living? Fuck you, come on. And you, what do you do for a living? Uh... I'm just trying to find a natural way into this fucking sushi chef joke. Beep, beep, beep, beep!

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep! Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep! Oh! Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep! Does anybody work at an airport sushi restaurant? I mean... I relinquish my time. Wow.

The hardest I've laughed all night. The long-awaited return of the force of 6th Street. Timmy, no breaks. Timmy, no breaks. All gas, no breaks. This guy left a dinosaur pop print sized footprint on the show the last time he was on. Hard in the paint, some people said, the next big thing.

Famously handed off his joke book to the man in the front row, whoever it was, and tonight threw his sunglasses at the man in the front row, whoever it was, and tonight, through his sunglasses, at a person in the front row, it's becoming... Give him back. Hey, Mark. Ha ha ha. Timmy, motherfucking no brakes,

has arrived back to the Kill Tony universe. Timmy, how we doing? We're good. I'm a little disappointed, to be honest. I, uh... I told you I wanted Dan Cook. I'm sorry. No offense. I mean, you know, but fucking... You wanted him on the panel next time you were on?

Is that what you said? Yeah, I hit you up with some requests. I said a bucket of MHLs. I said Dan Cook, and, you know, none of them are his. So I don't know what the fucking... I tried my best to get them. Wasn't easy. We have to settle for Chris O'Connor

and Ryan O'Neil tonight. You're Ryan O'Neil? Yeah. This is for you. You just got served, bitch. Got your ass. Open it up. Yeah, why don't you show everybody what that is, bitch?

Why don't you show everybody what that is? That's a picture of my niece's volleyball team. Oh, Rox, this man! Wow. All gas, no brakes, indeed. The people's champ of Kill Tony. The people's golden ticket winner, bitch. That's right. The people's golden ticket winner. I'm going to pretend like you didn't call me a bitch right there because I like it.

We're going to keep it that way. No disrespect. I respect what you're doing. I love you, Tom. Thank you, Timmy. a bitch right there. Because I like it, we're gonna keep it that way. No disrespect, I respect what you're doing, I love you Tom. Thank you, thank you Timmy, I love you too. So tell us, what does Timmy No Breaks do when he's not on stage? Yeah, I mean, I recently got in some trouble, I went to play laser tag and brought a real gun,

that was not good. Pfft. Can I just say something guys, when I hit a punch, give me some fucking trumpet. I mean, what's going on? Not yet. When I hit it. My God.

So, Timmy, there's so many questions I didn't get to ask the last time you were on. Like what's, I can't even imagine what a confident human like you, what is your love life like? Timmy, no breaks. I mean, I gotta say, it's definitely changed. I've had a bunch of bitches slide into my dam. I had Hilary Duff slide into my DMs. I had Hilary Duff slide into my DMs.

Yeah, more like Hilary Muff. That bitch has a vagina. Baa! Hee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee! Hee hee hee hee hee! Fucking Mr. Clean, clean out your fucking ears. God damn! Hee hee, Tony, I'm sorry.

Doing my best. Fucking, you know. Wow. So Hillary Duff slid into your DMs. Was this after the Kill Tony appearance? Yeah, it was after. It was after. You've really blown up from it. Tell us what life is like since that one appearance. You might be the most talked about human ever after only one appearance in the show's history. 12 and a half years of the show,

and you might be in 60 seconds in one interview, the most famous character ever. Yes, it's been great, you know? I got to do David Lucas' fishing podcast, so I made it. Um... Pfft. By the way, where the fuck was the trumpet there, guys? Come on. I think he deserves something a little more...

That's like a negative horn you're giving. It should be like a ba-da-bam, ba-da-bam, or something like that, right? Tone, no. Give me a D. You give him a D. Give him a D. What's a D? I don't...

Yeah! Okay, I see it now. I like it. That was a D. That was a D. They nailed that one that time. That was a D. They really did. Wow. So, Timmy, no breaks. Where are you originally from?

Uh, so I'm from Jersey. You already asked me that. But that's okay, Tony. Tony, it's okay. Yeah. For some of the new people here? Oh, yeah, you probably saw my Kill Tony show. This is gonna be repeating it. But, yeah, I'm from Jersey. What the fuck else is new? And is there anything that you miss about New Jersey? You know, I miss the mornings.

Spotlight? Spotlight for Timmy No Briggs, no doubt about it. Whatever Timmy wants. Every member of the Kill Tony crew should know. Whatever Timmy asks for, Timmy gets from this point forward. There's a thumbs up from the great Yoni. Timmy, go ahead, what do you miss about Jersey?

Yeah, I miss the mornings, you know? Walking out, fucking walking up to bitches saying, hey, bitch! That's what I'm talking about! That's what I'm talking about! Yeah, that's what I miss most, you know? We'll get it on the spotlight, thank you. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. We're good. We got out of that.

Wow. That's my story. I'm sticking to it, Tom. I don't want to keep you up here all night. You know, I don't want to be a bother to you. Let me know when you want to go. You're the first person ever that I'm giving full keep you up here all night. You know, I don't wanna be a bother to you. Let me know when you wanna go. You're the first person ever that I'm giving full creative control over here. Yeah, I'm good.

Okay, hold on. You're good now? You wanna go or you're good to stay? Fuck, Tony, it's your show. I mean, I don't... No, no, no, I'm literally, again, I've never told the crew you get whatever you want. I've never given creative control to anybody.

All right, Timmy, let's do this. Here's something I really want to know, and I don't know if I asked you this last time, but if I did, I'd like to apologize in advance. Tony, it's okay. Thank you. What? How do you make money, Timmy No Breaks? Yeah, yeah, it's me, that Ray Tone. Um...

You know, I used to sell weed. Before that, I was selling coke. Now I'm just coasting on. Um... You know, I used to sell weed. Before that, I was selling coke. Now I'm just coasting on comedy, tone. Okay. Timmy, hold the horns on that one. Hold the horns.

Yeah, it wasn't a punch line. That's for real. I'm doing big shows. Bigger... You know, I'm doing H-E-B, I think. Timmy, no breaks. He's doing H-E-B. Let me...

The grocery store or the arena? Tony, you watch your fucking mouth. I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Timmy. Sometimes I fall back on my habits here. It's okay, Tony. I am known for making fun of people on the stage sometimes. I mean, no disrespect, Timmy No Breaks. No disrespect taken. Let me say this.

I think you have what it takes. I do? I don't. I don't. I don't. I want you to open for me at Lucky Duck Open Mic. Lucky Duck Open Mic, one of the best venues in Austin, Texas. No ceiling, no audience, and no breaks. Yeah. Timmy, what can I say that I haven't said a thousand times about the New York Yankees? I mean, you are just an absolute fucking empire of your own.

A one-man empire. Can I ask you, where do you get a jacket like that? Glad you asked, Tom. So my dad would take me in the spotlight. John Deas, let's go. So my father, he would take me to the circus all the time. They would shove these midgets down in this fucking cannon. One time they aimed it at a wall, shot this midget right into the wall, bang! They would shove these midgets down in this fucking cannon. One time they aimed it at a wall. Shove this midget right into the wall.

Bam! The midget slid down. Some guy put a fucking leather jacket over this midget. I laughed, and I got this at Goodwill. -♪ Hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee-hee- Wow. Yeah, bitch! Wow. Timmy, I feel like if we keep you up here any longer, I'm gonna have to give you a percentage of the royalties of this episode. And I cannot begin to do that. So I mean, I'm gonna, unless there's anything else you'd like to say or do, I'm going to give you, or we could talk about anything you'd like.

If you'd like to ask me a question or anything, we could do anything you want. Yeah. Pfft. Take your entire life, Tome. What's the most interesting thing about you? Go. Tome, your entire life.

Let's go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go!

Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go!

Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go!

Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, go! Go, go, no, I mean, I guess the most interesting thing about me is probably that, uh, I'm... It's not easy, is it, bitch? Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Let it be known that at this moment, I am without a doubt registering you as officially, without it even though you don't want it and you don't need it, you are the newest official golden ticket winner of Killtony. You can come back anytime you want. The Tour de Force, anytime you want. The Torgue of Forks. The Sultan of 6th Street. Yeah, thanks, Willy Wonka.

Absolutely. I am excited to be opening for you at the Lucky Duck Open, Mike. I will see you there next, and we'll talk about the future. Ladies and gentlemen, one more time for the great Timmy No-Breaks, everybody. Wow. Unbelievable.

Holy shit. One of those moments you'll never forget. Wow. All right, a bucket pull has to follow that. Not easy, ladies and gentlemen. Not easy. The chatter in the room for those of you watching the show is unbelievable.

Men are proposing to their girlfriends. This guy's going to do some type of drug right now in the bathroom. There's a lot going on here. The place is in absolute chaos. And it's time for another bucket full. Make some noise for Isabella Carrozza. -♪

-♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ Hell yeah. My therapist introduced me to EFT tapping. Whenever you get nervous,

you take deep breaths and tap on your face. She was like, think of it as like a massage for your inner child. It's like, think of it as like a massage for your inner child. I was like, I don't think my inner child needs any more massages. I started, I started going to therapy because I would get really bad anxiety

in social situations and become a huge bitch to whoever I was with. And my boyfriends would just be like, oh, it's because you're Italian. And then I went to therapy, and she was like, you have autism. And I was like, I'm Italian. She was like, you're retarded.

During the pandemic, I worked as a cam girl. I didn't do anything. I just took my vibrator and did stand- up comedy with it. The men were like, shut up and pee. Sorry. Fuck. Is that 60 seconds? It was like six minutes.

That was, yeah, you got it, right? We're right when you said it, that was it. Isabella Carrozza, ladies and gentlemen. Isabella. Hi, Isabella. Hi. You've been on this show before, but it's been a while, right? Yeah, a few years. Okay. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years.

Five years. All of it here in Austin? Yeah, mainly. Love it. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed. Unemployed. What do you do for work? I'm unemployed. Unemployed? How do you survive? I'm a stripper. Okay. Where are you a stripper at? I don't want to say, because last time,

men came in and asked me to fart on them, which is a real thing. Red band? Yeah. You naughty, naughty boy, Red Band. Okay. Wouldn't that make you money? It did, but it was just, it was a lot. It was overwhelming.

You ran out of gas. Yeah. All gas, no brakes. Wow. Did you fart on the guy? I tried. He got, we went into the back for like an hour and I made like $2,000 and I was like, I'm trying. Wow. Did you fart on the guy? I tried. We went into the back for like an hour and I made like $2,000 and I was like, I'm trying. Because during the interview I said,

if men get too handsy, I fart on them. I was like, haha. But he took it serious and he went to the red rose and was like. Wow. Yeah. Like I said, wherever. Yeah, you fucked it.

Wow. Went to the red rose. Bet it didn't smell like roses when you were done with them, huh? Isabella, how long have you been stripping for? On and off, like six years. Okay, what are some of the, other than the fart thing,

what's some of the craziest stuff that you've seen? I imagine it's a lot. At a strip club. What is crazy stuff? I mean, sometimes like girls fight, but I feel like nothing really crazy. I've sometimes like girls fight but I feel like nothing really crazy. I've seen like you know men will whip out their dicks and that's terrifying. Oh that's crazy. Yeah. But like it's kind of like I just kind of

show up and take money and leave. It's kind of cool yeah. Cool. Cool. It's an easy job, I guess. Uh-huh, all right. Guys, have any questions? What's the on and off? What brings you back into the game? I was like, I don't know, I always kind of did it on the side of what I do, so I was like an ophthalmologist technician.

What the fuck, Red Band? Was that you? Part-time optimologist. Can I take a seat? Red Man's just accidentally hitting buttons over here. What's going on now? Wait, what just happened? Can I take a seat?

Did you just fart? No! What just happened? I put my balls under there. I just like sitting when I'm on stage. Is that fine? No, we're recording here on video. We do this every week. Oh, sorry.

We gotta stay in the frame. Okay, there you go. Wow, the world's la video. Oh, sorry. You gotta stay in the frame. Okay, there you go. Wow, the world's laziest stripper, everybody. Who wants a fucking floor dance? Can I have a floor dance from Isabella? I am like the DMV worker of strippers. What does that mean? I just like, I have, I'm very cranky.

I'm 29 now, so like, I'm kind of over it. Who said that? Who did? Who made that noise? 29's kind of old for a stripper, right? It is. Strippers age in dog years. Yeah, I'm 29.

Have you ever done a full nude strip club before? In LA I did, yeah. Couter balls? You ever do couter balls? What's cuder balls? Explain to these people what cuder balls are. Our senior strip club correspondent, Brian Redban, is here, ladies and gentlemen. Where they sit there with their legs open, you try to crumble a ball and make a basket inside their vagina.

Fucking disgusting, Redban. Fucking gross. I can't believe you would ask that. Have you ever done coter balls before? No. No, I would climb to the top of the pole, let go. I would not do that. All right. Chris O'Connor. How'd you become an ophthalmologist?

No, I'm not an ophthalmologist. No, I just, actually, I met the doctor at the strip club and he was like, do you want a job? Yeah. Nothing crazy happens at the strip club and he was like, do you want a job? Yeah. Nothing crazy happens at the strip club? That's what you said before. That's insane. An ophthalmologist hired you?

Yeah. Yeah. I feel like I've gotten a lot of random jobs and stuff like that from dancing. What do you do at the office? Well, I don't work there anymore, but I would just like assist him. After she was Dee Madness's ophthalmologist, she lost her job, so...

He used to have 20-20 vision. No, I would just assist him in, like, surgery. She farted into his eye sockets, and the rest is history. Have you ever been a nanny before? A nanny? No. I think I could be good with kids. Are you about to hire her to like cat sit for you or something? Yeah. Okay. Isabella, what do you do

for fun when you're not doing stand-up or stripping or sitting on the floor? This weekend I went to Venice Beach and I did like eight grams of mushrooms. Wow. It was so much fun. Okay. So like what happens when you're on mushrooms like that? Well I was... What do you do?

In Venice Beach it's fun. I once did eight grams of mushrooms and went to this strip club and that was crazy. It was...I made a lot of money. Did you notice...were you on the beach obviously when you did it or in you notice, were you on the beach, obviously, when you did it, or in a place? I was on the beach. Did you notice that when the waves were coming in, that the waves kept going through the sand? No.

I was once on mushrooms at a beach, and I saw this shit, and they just keep going, and you realize that it's all just one fucking thing. Anyway, just a quick question. A Mexican guy? I do mushrooms on the beach too sometimes. Eight grams, you're not even, I feel like you're not even seeing the beach.

Yeah. You're in fucking space. Yeah. This guy gave me like a drink so I like chugged it. This is what you should do. Yeah. And it was a lot of fun. I had like, you know how everybody rollerblades on Venice Beach?

There was like this Mexican guy like plummeting towards me and he was like, no, it was just the best time. Oh. He was like, oh no. Did you buy yourself? Yeah. I do that a lot. But now I feel like I hate saying that on Kill Tony

because your fans are crazy and I'm going to go missing. You sound like one of the fans. I'm like... Wow. I'm anxious. Where are you guys from? Okay. It's the stripper in you.

Fun times Isabella. This is a medium sized joke book right here. It's a good one. Isabella Carrozza, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. Man, good old. Ooh, there's been a lot of talk of birds on this episode. Look at the lovely Heidi, everyone.

I mean, unbelievable. And this man's last name is Bird. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for bucket pull number seven, Mason Bird, everybody, Mason Bird. A teenager told me I look like a school shooter the other day that shoots insulin instead of bullets. He was like, your least favorite part of a school shooting

would be missing lunch. It better not be Pete today, dude. That's what I got. I feel like the only way I can personally relate to Rosa Parks is when I'm walking through the center of an airplane and everyone's staring at me like that motherfucker that are not sitting next to me, dude!

I'm very taken as ass to the front of the plane, where the big fellas belong. No, I get it, though. Like, I saw a dude farther than me walking through the airport, and I was like, that motherfucker better not get on my plane, dude. It was Amir.

That's... Mason Bird, everybody. The best set from a bucket pole. It was a mirror. That's... Mason Bird, everybody. The best set from a bucket pull of the night has finally happened here. More than halfway through the episode. Mason, a fantastic set. How long have you been on stand-up comedy?

About three years, sir. Three years. Where at? Mostly Detroit. I moved here a couple months ago. Very nice. So you live here in Austin, Texas now. Yes, sir. Three years, where at? Mostly Detroit, I moved here a couple months ago. Very nice, so you live here in Austin, Texas now. Yes, sir. Amazing. What do you do for work? I work at Jersey Mike's. Hell yeah.

Make it Mike's way. Jersey Mike's official sponsor of Timmy No Breaks. How long have you worked at Jersey Mike's? About three months. Three months. What did you do in Detroit when you lived there? I was a sous chef at a bar. Oh, okay.

All right. A sous chef at a bar. What exactly? I just did a lot of the prep, hiring, did mostly cooking on the line as well. I was everywhere. Do you think that it's good for a guy like you to constantly be working around food? Believe it or not, I actually,

since I started working in the food, I lost like 150 pounds. I used to be 500 pounds. Wow. Oh, my goodness. Incredible. What did you do to lose the weight? Tell Red Band how you lost the weight.

It's just... So I just, it's just, it's just, so I'd eat one meal a day, that way I could get, cause I like to eat like 4,000 calorie meals, and I would just limit it to once. So when you say 4,000 calorie meals, like give us,

give this audience an example of like what, Okay, I would, what's the most pig-ish you've ever been? Oh. Oh. All right, I get it. So I like to get like three chicken quesadillas from Taco Bell, two cheesy gordita crunches,

and I get two drinks. That way they think the food's for two people. Whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee, whee. What drinks do you get? You gotta mix it up. I like the Baja Blast and a Cherry Pepsi. Yeah, yeah, amazing. Absolutely incredible.

So you still eat the same type of stuff, but just once a day now? Yeah, I just get it all in at once. I love it, man. God damn. Fasting. You are a funny guy. You have great jokes, great delivery.

Everything's right on schedule. How long ago were you that fat? Two years ago. Wow, so it's all just happening fast. Yeah. Funnier and lighter at the same time, constantly. We're trying. Hell yeah.

Amazing, amazing. You guys have anything? Oh, I just wanna know what time do you have to go big foot hunting tonight? He likes to come out around 2 30. Your glasses, can you see out of those? They're very smeared. Yeah, I touched my face.

It was from the snack wrap earlier. Wow. Timmy, no cakes over here. Timmy, all cakes. I love it. And you're also a ginger. You have that going for you. Yeah. Hell yeah. Represent.

Mason, what else? What do you do for fun? Tell us more about your life. What's interesting about you? I like to look at maps. Like, I know all the state capitals. I'm very proud of that. Yeah, I'm really into, like, maps and geography and topography and all that kind of stuff. Very. Is that because you're shaped like a globe? Yeah.

Yes. Yes. Perfect. What got you into maps? Um, I've just always been super, like, there was a Nat Geo thing when you were a kid, and I was super into that, like, answering history questions and maps and stuff like that Okay, other than maps. What else are you? That's fair Um, I really like eating once a day a lot I really like eating once a day a lot. So you look forward to these meals.

Oh, it's all I like. What time of the day do you usually execute the meal at? Anywhere from 1130 to 1230 at night. So you wait all day and you go for it at night. Okay. Just unravels a big map and just eats it. Well, well, well. Aw, let's see here. Is there anyone who knows all the state capitals

has a lot of place mats in their life? So let's just go for last night, for example. Do you remember your order last night? What you ate last night? Yes, I know exactly what I ate last night. What was it last night? How many people want to hear what Mason Bird ate last night? Let's go single spotlight on Mason Bird.

It was two snack wraps with ranch, two snack wraps spicy, two McDoubles, large Coke, and a large Sprite. Okay. I've done that before. Yeah. I've done Sprite. Okay. I've done that before. Yeah. I've done that before. This guy's like the Rain Man of meals.

I bet you could give him any date and he could tell you what he ate. And what state he was looking at on the map. Florida. Uh... Have you ever thought about when you're sacrificing all day and you're hungry and it's the last meal of the night and you're I mean the first meal of the day at night. Have you ever thought about replacing the most disgusting heavy caloric meals humanly

possible with something healthy and losing like a few pounds in a day. Yeah but the thing is like if I do that for two weeks, I explode and spend, like, $70 at Taco Bell. Oh, so you'll just go out of control. Yeah, it's like, I have to, like, I'm gonna be out of control. We just have to learn how to dance with it. Yes, sir. How to dance with it. Tony, that's map money. You know that?

That's wild, man. When you get done with the meal, are you full? No. Or are you full? No. Or are you like, all right? I'm more just like sad. And I'm like, ah, man, I should have got another burger, dude.

And then what do you do? You just kind of go to sleep? Smoke weed, go to sleep. Sometimes I'll look at old Facebook photos of me when I was really fat and I'm like, I'm doing good, man. Yeah, yeah you are, buddy. Yes, you are a Red Band. I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday.

Both Mason Bird and you have a big joke book. Both Mason Bird has arrived to the Kill Tony universe, ladies and gentlemen. How exciting is that? Thank you. One more time for Mason, everyone. All right. Bucket pool number eight.

Right down the barrel. Make some noise for Max Sedowee, everyone. Max Sedowee. Max Sedowee, everyone. Max Sedowee. Thank you. Thank you. As you heard, my name is Max. It's not short for anything. I think my parents knew I was going to be stupid. They took one look at me, they said, three letters. It's enough. I got an older brother.

His name's Nathaniel. Yeah, I Googled his name because I'm petty like that. Found out Nathaniel translates to gift from God. Beautiful, no? Fuck him. Because then I checked my name. My name is the number one name in the world for dogs. You know how many times I meet a girl, introduce myself,

just for her to say, oh my God, that's my dog's name. It's not a good thing. She's not like, oh my God, that's my dog's name. Let's go back to my place. We'll do it doggy. Maybe in my imagination she'd be doing that. She'd be like, who's a good boy? I'd be, ha ha ha. What else about me?

I'm Jewish. Yeah, none of you look surprised, I get it. Nobody was falling out of their chair right now. No one was like, whoa, this guy's Jewish? Thought he was Swedish. Maybe Irish. Maybe Andrew Tate. I'm aware I have a mirror.

It's not my head. All right, that's my time. Thank you so much. Max Sedowee, everybody. Am I saying that right, Sedowee? You're honestly probably the first person to ever get my last name right. Thank you so much. Thank you. I get to open for Timmy No Breaks this week, so I'm very excited about it.

I have a new era of confidence around me. Max, welcome. Stand-up is a newer thing for you. How long have you been doing it? I'd like to say I just moved to Austin. So recently two months, but I was doing it abroad for a while. Okay. But not like consistent like I'm doing it now.

Okay. All right. And when you say abroad, where were you doing it? I was living in Thailand for a bit. Oh boy. Oh, all right. Wow. Yeah. Okay.

What made you want to hang out in Thailand for a while? What could possibly be there? Fewer maxes. Fewer maxes. Wasn't the plan. It just kind of happened during COVID. You went during COVID. Right before, actually.

I was traveling Southeast Asia and then global pandemic hit. And you just stayed in. Wow, so tell us about that. Tell us about your adventures. Okay, so January 8th, 2020, I landed in Southeast Asia. I remember the date. Wow.

And I was in... I can't think of like a, that's about the worst time to land in Southeast Asia. Oh, Tony, it was amazing. Oh, you liked it? It was great. Okay. Yeah, I was traveling...

So how soon until you started fucking little boys? Little boys, lady boys, whatever. Oh, no. Something went down there. Let's talk about it, Max. It's okay, your parents are watching. Never fucked a lady boy, Tony. I know, it's...

How long were you in Thailand for? Five years. Okay I'm gonna ask you one more fucking thing. What's your ladyboy body count? No one ever believes me I get it. Did you think about it? You thought about it. Oh you think about it some of them are gorgeous. But that's a tell. Tony, that's a tell. I know, I know. I know it's a lady boy because gorgeous women don't come up to me like that.

John Dees has a question. John, would you like to ask it in the microphone? I like the way you ask it. Say it the way you just said it. Are you gay, dog? Perfect. Nailed it. I get called gay, dog? Perfect. Nailed it. I get called gay a lot in Austin.

Me too, buddy. But are you? Are you gay? I'm not gay, no. You're not gay. Okay, what's the gayest thing you've ever done other than sound like that? And fuck ladyboys in Thailand

and then lie about it for the rest of your life? Oh shit, the gayest thing I've ever done. I was a finger up the butt count as gay. Your own or your dad's? Jesus, dad's. Red man, red man. Okay, Max, what do you do for work? So I was working as a scuba diving instructor.

That's what I was doing over there. Super gay. Super gay. Under the sea. Under the sea. Fuck all the dicks. Under the sea. OK, what made you stop being a scuba diving instructor?

Man, trying to take comedy more serious, so I came down here. This is where all the hype is at. So you stopped being a scuba diving instructor to come do comedy in Austin, Texas? Yes. Is that what you were doing in Thailand? Being a scuba diving instructor? Yeah, when you weren't inside of... Yeah, that's what I was doing in Thailand.

Okay. Pulled that respirator right out of his mouth when he got into comedy. Okay, Mack's craziest thing that ever happened to you while scuba diving or instructing scuba diving. Um, I fucked this ladyboy. It's not gay if it's underwater. Come here, you little mermaid. Is that where you got finger in your ass?

If you want to, if we were getting honest, I did fuck underwater, actually. That is something I did. Yeah, it's called a 10 meter club. Wow. Tell us about that. How does that go down exactly? Yeah, so you got to find somewhere where it's like sandy

so there's no like corals or anything. Yeah, so you've got to find somewhere where it's like sandy so there's no corals or anything. Yeah, right? And basically, you just put some extra weight that you normally would to get down there and make sure you're not wearing a wetsuit. And once you get down there, you're basically doing a doggy. And you're doing it with the respirator on and everything. Oh, yeah.

Yeah. This is like when Red Band fucks with his sleep apnea mask on. Very rarely do I make myself laugh quite as hard as I just did, but I pictured it, buddy. I pictured it, my old pal. All right, so how long did this sex underwater last? Just at a ballpark. Oh, fair. By ballpark, I mean the fact that you both had balls.

Still person who didn't talk to you. It wasn't long. It would probably be like, maybe like five minutes. Okay, and you came. Yo, honestly, when I came, it was funny because we're both, it's called neutrally buoyant, so you're not on the bottom, you're not on the top. And once I was about to come-

No, you prefer bottom. Exactly. Yes. Well, right before I came, I basically just like pushed her off and she'd just see her go like. All right. And that's it. I never got to do that in my life.

That was hilarious. That is pretty cool. That is cool. That was pretty cool. That is cool. Was there like a chum trail? Like when you shoot? The fish came. Oh yeah. I bet they did.

Not in that way. They're like, this cum tastes like shit. My family's gonna be watching this. Of course. It's amazing. That's why you won't admit that you're gay. I know. That's who we know, Max. Amazing. What's it like being Jewish nowadays?

Shit. How do you feel about everything? There's a lot going on. How do you feel about it? We're doing this? You go right ahead. I'm gonna let you take control, because that's what you people want. Oh, my favorite Juyeon, he's not laughing.

I might be crossing a line right now. Oh, man. Yeah, it's a delicate line to be crossing right now. Well, we know you guys have your lines and your borders, and fucking I know those lines are always moving in your favor. OK, go ahead. How do you feel being a Jew nowadays? Pretty simple question.

You could answer it any way you want. I like being Jewish. I'm proud to be Jewish. Perfect answer. I like being one of the most watched shows in entertainment, so that's all I'm gonna ask. There we go. Fantastic, Max Sedowee. Here, my friend, is a big joke book for all the people running show business to see that the Jew is getting a big joke book. There he goes, Max Saddowy, everybody.

We're having fun here tonight. All right, bucket poll number nine, make some noise. You guys having fun out there still? Make some noise for Micah Brown, everybody. Micah Brown. ["Mica Brown"] Light bulbs are gay. Because they bust in my ass, am I right?

["Mica Brown"] in my ass, am I right? I mean, I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie.

I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. I'm not gonna lie. before. My surgeon hates it when I eat before we do anal, dude. Fucking hates it. The drugs help. Have you guys noticed this? Surgery used to be really bad before the drugs. Hey man, here's a shot of whiskey and bite down on this. You know what I'm saying? It helps with the anal too, okay? The drugs.

The thing that ties them all together though, like, anal and surgery. Is that the only thing worse is anal surgery. Stay away from those light bulbs, dude. Boo! Okay, Micah Brown. There he is, Micah Brown. Okay, Micah.

Welcome, welcome. Wow, no one's even clapping for you. A whole set about anal, and somehow it was the shittiest set of the night at the same time. What are the odds? Welcome, Micah. How long you been doing stand-up?

Not long enough. Okay. How long is that? Five years. Oh, not long. Oh, my God. There's Red Band's one fart noise of the episode. Okay. Five years. Ryan O'Neil?

I'll just say, this guy looks like Fentanyl Tom Cruise. Hell, yeah. You really do. You do look like that. Every mission is impossible to you. Amazing. What do you do for work? I don't, I quit.

You quit. You quit. Blockbuster 14 years ago. You just haven't done anything since. I'm sponsored now. What did you quit? I was serving at Fresas. Oh.

And it was too good. Wait, Fresas is a place with like the quesadillas, like a chicken bowl? Yeah. I love that fucking place. Beans and rice all day. It's a perfect fucking meal. One of my favorite meals. You were a server there?

I was a server there. What went wrong? Why did you quit? Great place. It was a great place. It's not a great place? No, it's great. It's awesome. Yeah, so why did you quit? Great place. It was a great place. It's not a great place? No, it's great. It's awesome.

Yeah, so why'd you quit? Well, things started going really good for me. I got my foot fucked. You got your what? I got my foot fucked. Your what? I was hanging out. Hold on, wait.

Let's go back. Before work. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Micah, you got your what? Foot fucked? There's a woman's vagina on, wait. Let's go back. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Micah. You got your what? There's a woman's vagina on my foot. And I couldn't go back to work after that. It was like... This is a true story.

They serve chicken. That's why Red Band's making a chicken noise, for those of you wondering what a chicken has to do with getting your foot fucked. So let's slow it down. Yeah, let's slow it down. So what exactly happened here? How does a woman's vagina end up on your foot while you're serving tables at Fresno's? Supposed to go to work, hanging out with a friend.

Why did you hang out with a friend at work? Oh, you hang out with a friend instead of work? Before work. Got it, got it, got it. Got it. Things are going good. Look at me, stop looking down. Okay. Go ahead.

Man, it was really fun. It was really awesome. So a girl. Yeah. Chris O'Connor. She was a day, she's a day. It's Austin. I was a day, she was a day. It's Austin.

I was trying to figure it out. She's got a girlfriend who's dating a boy and she was getting... There's no way the story's this complicated. Dude, it ended up with cocaine and my foot getting fucked. I don't know how to skip to that part. You did the fucking with your foot, right? Yeah, she told me to put my foot on the couch. Ah.

And she got on the couch. Did you wear a sock? No. It was after the shower. You don't wear protection during foot fucking? No, man. Okay, so let me ask you this. Was it toes or the whole foot?

Well, I had three fingers in before. So it was the whole foot. I only have a nine and a half. It's not that big. Got the heel in. And then what work found out about it? No, it's like things are going good, man. I don't need to go back to fresas and deal chicken.

No, you do. Yeah. No, yeah, you do. No, dude. No one't need to go back to Fresas and deal chicken. No, you do. Yeah. No, yeah, you do. No one's paying you to put your foot up there. You guys don't get it. OK, help us to understand. This is the interview portion of the show. OK.

Yes, here we go. Foot got fucked. Got to be in a metal music video. All in the same day? Same week. OK. Then my buddy calls me. I get to go on a canoe trip in Maine.

Wow. I could not go, the chicken thing was not going well. This is better than the chicken thing. How do you make money now? I don't think you understand, man. We found your catchphrase, that's for sure. I'm getting my foot fucked, I'm getting flown out to Maine, and you want me to sell chicken?

How do you make money now? I'm open to suggestions. It hasn't come up yet. It hasn't come up yet. So you thought you were on a hot streak, and you were just like... I can get another serving job. They'll give them to you. All you guys can work at Fresno's, I guarantee it. They told me they would hire me back.

So you're, like, on a sabbatical. Right. They're definitely not hiring you back. Oh. They love me there. Zero percent. Oh, they love me. I would bet you have a zero percent chance. How much? I mean, I know for a fact they're not gonna hire you.

You just called them out by name. You don't think they'll hire me again? They're not gonna hire you back. No. I look a little scared now. You're like, I'm not this fine. No, no, no. It's like you're really gambling.

I don't need the job, so I just wanna know. How much money do you have? I'm negative $24. Okay. So where do you sleep at night? $50? Where do you sleep at night? I get hired back.

Where do you sleep at night? Tonight? Uh-huh. I've got a friend named Brendan Mahaney. He's the best. We call him Sarge, and he takes care of all of us. Wow, incredible. So that's where you, is that where you slept?

Tonight. Is that where you slept last night? Unless the foot girl hits me back. Maybe I'll go there. Okay, here's a little joke bug. There you go, buddy. All right, yep, hard to catch when you are blitzed out of your mind on hard, hard drugs, everybody that goes, Micah Brown.

Very interesting bucket pools tonight. Very interesting. The brand in the hanging. Whew. We should have, like, an actual psychiatrist backstage to connect with these people right after their sets. By the way, Fresis is really good. Don't, like, compare that guy to...

Yeah, don't let the foot-fucking-drug-added guy ruin Fresas for you. Highly recommend it. Very simple, clean meals. I'm actually surprised you eat there. I love it. They're half chicken, man. It's fucking great. I'm saying everything that I feel.

Your final bucket pull of the night, ladies and gentlemen. You guys ready for this? I know. I know. It's one of those nights where it's hard to be excited about the bucket, but anything can happen. Make some noise for Bill Williams, everybody. Bill Williams.

-♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ -♪ I like watching murder shows. You know, like true crime, forensic files, stuff like that. But I noticed recently that whenever they do the reenactments, the actors are always

way better looking than the real victims. Someone's all sad, like, oh, man, I can't believe they murdered that beautiful lady. But then I see the real victim, and I'm like, man. It's all good. I'm dating, and dating's hard. The other day I saw this gorgeous woman sitting at a bar. I walked up there and said, you're stunning.

You must work out all the time. She said no, and I'm a mom. I said, wow, you don't even look like you had kids. She said, if I told you that this body gave birth to five children, what would you say? So I said, goodbye. Thank you. I'm Bill Williams. Bill Williams, fantastic.

I like your style. I like your delivery. I like the whole thing that you're working with here. How long you been doing stand-up? One year. One year? Wow. Where at? San Antonio. San Antonio. year. One year? Wow. Yes, sir. Where at? San Antonio. San Antonio. That's where you're from?

Yes, sir. Hell yeah. Amazing. Fuck yeah, Bill. You perform a lot. You do a lot of mics in San Antonio. A lot of mics. My first year I did 305.

I see. I had a fucking feeling. Some people say they do this three, four, five, six, seven years and they're doing it maybe once a week, maybe twice a week, you know? That shit adds up fast. I could literally tell that you've been fucking actually working at it.

What do you do for work? Nothing. Jesus, wow. This is, wow. That's why I have so much time to hear mics. That's why we're in a deficit right now. Not a lot of tax paying, contributing citizens in the country right now. How long have you been unemployed for Bill?

A year. Like I lost my truck driving job and I just hit it hard. How did you lose your truck driving job? They found a beer bottle in my truck. Yeah I had a feeling. And then a week later I got a DWI so I couldn't drive anymore. Wow. Yep that happens. Are you a Native American? No, there is some Native American in my family, but mostly Mexican, white, Spanish, a whole bunch of mixed.

OK, awesome. Like Comanche, do you know what kind of Indian is? I don't know. You don't know what kind of Indian? I have no idea. You seem like I could picture you on a horse riding sideways with an arrow, but that's kind of racist to say.

Not talking. Not really, because you do look like that. Have you ever dressed up like a Native American for Halloween, perhaps, or something like that? I have not, no. I have not. I know. I know.

Ay, ay, ay. It does speak. There it is. There it is. Where's Sarah Sloan? Is Sarah Sloan here? She's out there. Sarah Sloan? She's atan here? She's out there. Sarah Sloan?

She's at Shakespeare's. Oh, okay. Well, she does a great horse impression. Oh, yeah, I've heard it. I've heard it. I've heard it. It's all good. Bill, what do you do for fun? I mean, really, this is all I do is comedy. But you like to drink a lot, right?

Not anymore. I had to quit because of DWI, you know? So... But you already lost your job. Shouldn't you just double down on that shit? Yeah, but I was on probation. They made me do a breathalyzer. Okay.

Like I had to blow into that machine. So you're not drinking anymore? Yeah, I'm not drinking anymore. Right. Okay. What else do you do other than comedy? What else are you into? I mean, that's it. I got a bunch of kids and a couple grandkids now.

Oh, wow. How many kids do you couple grandkids now. Oh, wow. How many kids do you have? Five kids. Oh, I'm out of here. Five kids. Yes, sir. Incredible. How old are they?

The youngest is 17, and then they're 18, 21, 24, 27. How old are you? 45. Wow. Look at you. You're killing it. You look better than all the 20-some year olds that were on this show. We had a stripper up here earlier that looked 55.

Incredible. Incredible, Bill. Yes, sir. Wow. Amazing. So what's it like raising kids? Tell us what's some crazy shit you've been through as a father, as a Native American father.

I mean, they're pretty chill. Like, you know, I was kind of a kid. I was kind of a kid. I was kind of a kid. I was kind of a kid. I was kind of a kid. I was kind of a kid. I was kind of a kid. I was kind of a kid. I was kind of a kid. What's it like raising kids? Tell us what's some crazy shit you've been through as a father, as a Native American father. I mean, they're pretty chill. Like, you know, I was kind of crazy growing up,

and they always said, like, you're gonna see when you get older, but my kids are chill. They're amazing. When you say you were crazy as a kid, what do you mean? What are some of the things you would do? When I was 16, I stole a Lexus from the Institute of Text and Cultures.

Nice. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. He's going to fist bump me. All right, I'll give you the deal. Yeah, yeah, of course. What made you steal Alexis? I was walking downtown San Antonio, and we were walking through the parking lot of the Institute

of Text and Cultures, and there's Alexis with the keys hanging from the trunk. And so that was it. Hell yeah. And where did you take this car? What did you do? Man, we were dumb. You know, we're 16. We thought we knew. We drove around for three days, first of all. Wow.

Picking up our friends, going cruising. Wow. And then we were driving around the east side of San Antonio, like, you know, thinking we were gonna find a chop shop, like we even know where that's at. And we got pulled over. The cops chased us. My friend was driving at that time. He took off, hit a tree. We all jumped out, started driving. and know where that's at. And we got pulled over. The cops chased us.

My friend was driving at that time. He took off, hit a tree. We all jumped out, started jumping fences. The driver got away. They caught me and the other guy. We spent two weeks in juvenile. Wow. Yeah, good times.

Amazing. How many kids did you have at that time? Zero. Old guy. Are you still with the baby mama? No. Okay. How long have you been separated from her?

Since 2013, I think. Or separated before that, but divorced 2013. How often do you get to see your kids? All the time. My boys, my two youngest boys live with me. Oh, cool. Yeah, yeah. Awesome.

That's amazing. So you're like a real active father. Real as dad. Also chasing your dreams and being very funny. Yep. Thank you. How many minutes do you think you've accumulated in this year? 300 some sets under your belt? About 25 minutes. About 25 minutes. Amazing. I find you to be incredibly hilarious. Thank you. Thank you. I'd love to have you on the secret show Thursday. Hell yeah. Thank you. Where's Sarah Sloan at? Give me Sarah Sloan. Where is she at?

Sarah, come out here real quick. The great Sarah Sloan, everybody. Kill Tony royalty. You know, I think as a mode of celebration is in the air for you winning a set at the Sunset Strip Comedy Club. And since you are one of the funniest Native Americans that's ever been on this show, I find it fitting that Michael plays the Indian drum and the great Sarah Sloan does her impression of a horse.

Sarah, grab that mic and let it rip, huh? You can grab, grab his. Yeah, keep doing your Indian stuff, yes. Ladies and gentlemen, this is Sarah Sloan's horse impression. Wow, absolutely incredible. Sarah Sloan, Bill Williams. Bill, you're leaving here with a true Native American leather jokebook. One of the greatest Native American comedians

in Killtony history. Bill Williams, everybody. There he goes. That guy needs to do an Indian job dance. Yes. Fucking fine kids. He could make it rain. Bill Williams, and now we've come to a part of the show.

Now I'm going to tell you right now, I'm going to be honest with you, William Montgomery is out for the night, everybody. However, just when you think there's no way to possibly put a ribbon on an episode like this, I must tell you that there is one more performer, one more regular that is going to do a brand new set for you. Fresh off of sold out theaters almost every weekend, absolutely smashing the universe.

I watched him do a long set last night on a Sunday when everybody else is off and it's nothing but up and comers. This guy's here doing long sets, going over notes. He literally works more and harder than any other comedian I know because he is trying to become an American citizen. -♪ Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!

But yet still, he remains the Estonian assassin. This is Ari Matty. -♪ -♪ -♪ So I've been dating a bitch. See the problem with me is I'm a jealous guy. I can't help it.

I went through her like Instagram and there's like a lot of pictures from Miami. But she works at Chick-fil-A, you know. I go through the pictures, no guy. You might see like a ligament, you know. You know, like a hand on a knee. You try to zoom into that hand, it's a fucking prehistoric... You try to zoom into that hand, it's a fucking prehistoric. Ah! That's who's paying. And she's got this fucking friend.

Every, see, every fucking girl has this, has a friend, some Dylan. You know that guy who's lingering around your girl, always playing the long game, you know? You ask her about Dylan, she's like, Dylan? You're worried about Dylan? I've known him for a decade, I think he's gay.

And then you meet Dylan, you look into his eyes, he ain't gay. He's on the bench, fucker. You look at Dylan like, I know the game, Dylan, a wolf knows a wolf. You suck a few dicks to throw me off. to throw me off. He to see if it's true. Thank you so much. Thank you. Unbelievable.

Let the record show that that is two minutes and five seconds. Once again, Ari Matty doing double work, over-performing, absolutely hysterical. After that huge intro I gave, and knowing you and everything you would think I'd be smart enough to know that you're about to be hilarious. Meanwhile I decided to take my first sip of this delicious whiskey Coke during your calm setup and you fucking got me. You got me real good.

It blasted, I blasted air out of my nose and it splashed up in my face and all over me and Red Band's legs. Red Band's wearing shorts so it raw dogged his sweet little hairy knee cap right here. I'm like, oh, he's on the set up, I'll be fine. She's taking a trip to Miami and she works at Chick-fil-A and it got me. The air came out and water came up, or drink came up. Amazing stuff, Ari Matty. Absolutely fucking hilarious.

Thanks, man. You are covering something that I think, I think a lot of fucking people go through and I've never really heard it talked about quite so. Are you a jealous guy, Tony? Not really, I mean, but I know, I know exactly. You look like a jealous guy, Tony. I look like a lot of things.

What the fuck is this? Sir, I told you not to look at other men, sir. Who is this Dylan? But I will say this, is everybody I've ever hung out with, every girl is like, oh, he's gay. There's always that guy that says he's gay. Every guy here that's with a girl, they know exactly who the fuck I'm talking about.

Oh yeah, oh yeah. There's always a girl, they know exactly who the fuck I'm talking about. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. It's always a dude and chicks have no idea. You know, he's nice. Fuck you. We're all trying to fuck you. Yeah, exactly. No man is trying to help you. We're all creeps. Yeah. Yeah, absolutely true. I'm always hanging out with a girl, and they're like, nah, that's my gay friend. I'm like, what's his number?

Um, so Ari, tell us more. What's going on in life, buddy? You're absolutely crushing it. Last night you were in a theater in Jacksonville. It was Saturday. I was in Jacksonville, Friday, Orlando. I love Florida. It's so much fucking fun, dude.

People are crazy. It is a fun place to visit. Yeah. When I would come back to in Orlando, you know, he's from the duty was huge. 200 black people and me. Wow. Yep. Crazy, dude. Yeah, that's how it is sometimes. No doubt about it. Cam Patterson rolls deep. Every single one of his cousins, whether you're in Florida or Atlanta.

Atlanta's another big hotspot for the Patterson family. I know them all. I know them all, they all know me. We all get along. Sometimes I do a little Crip walk in the green. Impress my black friends because I am part of the culture, believe it or not. I am blacker than I am gay.

My favorite is like when we're on the group chat for the gig and then the promoter will be like any guest list? And he's like woo woo plus seven dookie shoes plus 12. Bing bong plus eight. He's a good guy. He went to prison. I met dookie shoes. I actually know his cousin Dooky Shoes very well, everybody's like fresh out of prison or about to go to prison or something like that, it's so fun, you would think that that stereotype

was a little less true but not with the Patterson clan. Yeah. It's absolutely incredible. So that's fun. Florida's fun. How about after the shows? You're a little wild boy out there. Yeah.

Oh, we went to Iowa. The one. The one. The one. Never heard of it. Iowa. It's like the Estonia of America. Yeah, it is ultra white.

Ultra white, ultra chill. Cam Patterson wasn't at that gig, was he? Nope. Nope. And we went to like me, Martin, Phillip, oh, David Jolly was on there. We're the crew. Me, Martin, David Jolly, if you don't know by now,

we're the fucking crew. Yep, holding it down. And we went to like a concert, just randomly. It was like a rock concert, one of those, it was like a feminist band. Yeah, you can't even call them chicks, you have to, it's they, you know, it's one of those. Between every song there would be like,

this is for all the men out there who don't take no for an answer. Bang, bang, you're a rapist, you know. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep. Bang, bang. Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, you're a rapist, you know. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Bang, bang.

Bang, bang. Bang, bang. Entrance was five bucks for whatever you are, but if you're a guy, 15. I respect that. So it was just me, David Jolly, and Martin at this gig, dude. Did you go there trying to fuck chicks? Yes.

That's why I go to gay bars and feminist extravaganza's. They don't even know what's coming. I'll be the Dylan there. Oh my God. God, totally fucking marginalized community, dude. Can I finger they? Die. Can I finger they die? And then while they're rocking out this feminist extravaganza, while we're, me and David Jolide

were there, Martin was meeting us there, because you know he takes time to get to places. I ain't got time to fucking wait for this fucking... Stoplights in Des Moines are short. I see Martin, me and David see Martin behind the window. He's like knocking on the window. I'm like, what the fuck? And he's got his dog. You know Andy, the little fucked up dog? Martin Phillips as a service animal?

Yeah, it's not a, it's just a dog. It's just a dog. Oh. In his sense, it's definitely a service animal. Yeah, I'm pretty sure everybody has a service animal? Yeah, it's not a, it's just a dog. It's just a dog, oh. In his sense, it's definitely a service animal. Yeah, I'm pretty sure everybody that's that handicapped, yeah, it's on that. And he's out there with Andy and he texts me, they're not letting me in with the dog.

Oh! You should have seen me, dude, fool Karen, I go straight to the manager, I Google federal law in America, you can't even ask why the dog is there. Fuck you, I just get. No, you should, me and David, and David Jolly too. He's like, yeah!

You know. Dude, the owner comes to the bar and he's like explaining that it's law, if there's food being served, there can't be a dog allowed. And the dude, I'm fucked, I'm literally yelling at the bar like federal law. David's in the back showing the gun, you know, we're fucking.

If the feminists on stage only knew the work I've done and I got that motherfucking dog in dude. Yeah, I love it. You are a legend and yeah, Ari Matty. And also, hello Ryan O'Neil. And also, does anybody remember the time I went to Florida? I went to Tito Ortiz's bar and I needed my fucking belt for the fucking raffle. Remember when Tito Ortiz fucked me?

Yeah. And you know me, dog. I'm getting my fucking belt. So Heidi, can you bring out my fucking belt? Oh, wow. He won the Tito Ortiz. Tito Ortiz, where you at? Wow, that is incredible. How'd you end up getting it?

Actually, Tito sent it to me. He's a very nice guy. He said, he's a very nice guy. He literally told me, you gotta stop Kill Tony people from coming in and calling me a liar and a thief and a scammer. No, he said it's a whole thing. People, groups and groups. Fuck you Tito, liar. Where's the belt? I love that. That's the Kill Tony world. Don't fuck with us. I love that. That's the Kill Tony world.

Don't fuck with us. Damn right. Very rarely do I stick the Kill Tony universe on anybody. So Tito, good job playing along. Fantastic stuff. You are indeed the reigning defending Kill Tony champion of the world as well. Ari and Matty, ladies and gentlemen,

the force of nature, the Estonian assassin. The drawing from Ryan G. Ebel is in. How loud can you guys get for my fantastic fucking guest tonight? Chris O'Connor is in Cleveland, August 15th and 16th at Hilarities. Go to acrissoconnor.com or go to the link that's at Chris O'Connor Comedy. Connor with the last two letters being O-R. Speaking of O-R, that's the first room I ever performed in in my entire history of standup comedy at the Comedy Store. And the first MC to bring me up,

the first comedy show I ever saw in my life was hosted by, one more time, Ryan O'Neill, everybody. With two L's at the end. Go check out Slop Quest. The podcast is available everywhere. Yeah, absolutely. And check him out at Ryan O'Neill with two L's, comedy.com. Thank you to Blue Chew, Zipper Cruder, and Shopify.

One more time for the best damn band in the land. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight, everybody, while we all sat. Wow! That's fucking amazing. Cam Patterson on, like, some type of little boat. Absolutely fucking amazing. That looks great. Local artist Chris Rogers. Follow him at ChrisRogersArt, right?

On social media, yep. Red band. check out the Sunset Strip Comedy Club Brian Callan has a new improv show and Wednesdays Sunset Strip ATX calm love you guys. We're doing it. We're really doing it red band. We're living the dream Madison Square Garden I do stand up on the 15th of August We do kill Tony for the third time at Madison Square Garden, August 16th. When I go to Madison Square Garden, crazy stuff tends to happen. I don't know if you guys know about this,

but it's a very, very, I have an amazing history at that venue. A lot of other fun stuff happening. I'm doing stand-up everywhere, getting ready for a big special taping at the end of September. So check me out doing stand-up. I promise you, it's very, very good.

And that is about it. Did you guys have fun tonight? Thank you. We love you. Good night, everybody. Thank you so much. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets!