KILL TONY - #730 - IAN FIDANCE + DUNCAN TRUSSELL

Episode Date: August 5, 2025

Ian Fidance, Duncan Trussell, Ari Matti, Kam Patterson, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 07/21/2025 Get your first month of BlueChew FREE - just use promo code TONY at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. Head to https://bluechew.com for details and safety info. See why 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Just go to https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony right now to try it FOR FREE. Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/tony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Death Squad.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out TonyHinchcliffe.com for everything the Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliffe. You can also check out ShopSquad.tv for Death Squad merch, hats, mugs, whatever! ShopSquad.tv. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony. Hey this is Redman coming to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode of their lives, huh?

Fuck yeah! Make some noise for Brian Redd Band, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God! And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land. Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Nachos Belgrande, Huevos Rancheros, and the great Michael Gonzalez on the drums, ladies and gentlemen. They call him Big Mike. Some people are saying that he grows inches every week.

Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John Dees on the keys, and live in the flesh. Let him hear you, the one and only Dee Madness, ladies and gentlemen. Oh my God. This episode is brought to you by Talkspace, Open Phone and Tacovaz. We have a bunch of other amazing sponsors as well.

Here's a little bit more from them. This podcast is sponsored by Bluechew. Guys, enter the room. Dick first. Bluechew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting like someone gave you downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Bluechew. Discover your options at Bluechew.com and we always got a special deal for our listeners.

As always, get your first month of Bluechew free. Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. Wow, that's it. Join Blu Chu's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluchu.com for details and safety info and big thanks to Blu Chu for sponsoring the podcast. This is Trixie Mattel, co-host of

the Bald and the Beautiful podcast, drag queen and Amazon Prime enthusiast. And I'm Katya, interpretive dancer, chaos agent, and someone who orders from Amazon Prime more often than I check my email. That's true. Yeah. Prime gives us fast delivery that makes unpacking almost glamorous, endless streaming of our favorite shows,

which we call research, and music playlists that are both chaotic and calming. Prime isn't just convenient, it's a gateway to trying new things. It helps us discover new obsessions and dive deeper into old ones. From one day delivery to top shows to music, whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.ca slash Prime to get more out

of whatever you're into. Hi, I'm Heather McDonald, gossip enthusiast, podcast queen, and longtime loyalist to Amazon Prime. Between next day Prime deliveries, binge worthy shows, and playlists that keep me company while digging into the latest gossip, Prime is my silent co-host.

The truth is, Prime doesn't just support my passions, it fuels them from spontaneous curiosities to full blown obsessions. It's got my back. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Visit amazon.ca slash prime to get more out of whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Visit amazon.ca slash prime to get more out of whatever you're into. Right now. Are you guys really ready to start tonight's show? I'm telling you, it's about to go down every single week.

I'm really doing it Red Band. Oh, I forgot to mention this is the first episode that we've ever taped. 12 years and two months of doing this show nonstop, never missed a Monday release. This is the first time in our history, right now, and it might only last one week, in which we are actually the number one podcast in the world. So, very exciting.

A wild, wild accomplishment. Don't tell the guy that owns the club, but this week we are the number one podcast. Oopsie daisy. Sorry boss. We're all best friends. It's all very exciting. Speaking of best friends, I booked two on tonight's show.

An absolute legendary episode ahead of us. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best to ever be on this show. You're here. You're lucky. Ladies and gentlemen, two of the best to ever be on this show. You're here. You're lucky. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for our guests. The return of Duncan Trussell and Ian Bydance. Yeah.

Ian Bydance. Duncan Trussell. Oh, yeah. It's going down. It is going down. It is going down. It is going down. We have fun. Every Monday

you guys have done this show before. Very exciting. Here we are. Absolutely thriving in showbiz unlike Stephen Colbert who no longer is employed. Jimmy Kimmel is next. They will all fall in line and bend the knee to me, the new young king.

And my guests are Ian Fyodance and Duncan Trussell this week. Duncan was my first ever favorite comedian in the world live 18 years ago. I saw him for the first time at the Comedy Store. Special appearance at the end by the great, another Hall of Fame nominee guest, Lil Hobo. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you. Yeah.

Lil Hobo. How's he been? Uh, not great, man. You know, he, after the last appearance here, you know, he's already addicted to drugs, but after the last appearance, he'd spiraled into heroin addiction, spent some time on the streets, and yeah, he was just in like a really horrible Waymo accident. Wow. Well, prayers up to the great Little Hobo. Thank you. A Well, prayers up to the great Lil Hobo. Thank you.

A ventriloquist doll that has the soul of an aborted baby in his heart, right? You know, man, I just have to say this. Like, when somebody is in a deep, deep drug spiral, they say things like that. And yeah, he did claim to have an aborted fetus in his heart and Hell Satan

Ian fight ants also here hi and welcome Duncan Trussell is going to Australia Columbus and Orlando Duncan Trussell comm Ian fight ants on Tory Dance on tour, IanFyDance.com. And he's on social media, I-A-N-I-M-A-L-6-9. Good luck rewinding that and following him on Instagram. IAnimal. IAnimal. 6-9. He's going to Chicago, Oxnard, and what the fuck did I write? Irvine, that's what it says.

Hi, Ian. Hi. Welcome back. Thanks. You guys have both been on the show multiple times. You know how it works. Over 300, I do believe, right around there, people signed up, true.

Truly insane, the amount of humans that are in this bucket. It's absolutely crazy. Names are falling out. If I pull one of their names out, they get 60 seconds on and interrupted. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up, then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts their set.

And then I conduct an interview with them. We find out everything about them. They go from being a comedian for a minute to a guest on a podcast. Absolutely out of nowhere. Anything can happen. The whole thing's improvised. Are you guys ready to start tonight's show? Yeah!

I'm gonna let one of these great Puerto Rican boys pull out the first name. Look at that. A true, the brown hand of a man. Oh, that's a funny-looking name. We'll see if that's a real human. And in the meanwhile, we are gonna start the show with one of our esteemed golden ticket winners,

ladies and gentlemen. We don't get to see a lot of this guy very often And in the meanwhile, we are gonna start the show with one of our esteemed golden ticket winners, ladies and gentlemen. We don't get to see a lot of this guy very often because it's not easy to write a new minute of comedy every week. He was very, very new and green when we found him. And here he is giving us a brand new minute. Ladies and gentlemen, a fan favorite,

an adorable species unlike anything we've ever seen before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some fucking noise for the return of golden ticket winner, Heath Cordes, everybody. Here we go. ["Heath Cordes"] ["Heath Cordes"] Ho-ho! Oh, I moved to Texas about two years ago, and before I moved here, I was living with my grandma, and I liked living with my grandma a whole lot, but I had to move out.

It was time. I had to move out. It was time. I had to move out. Because me and grandma, we would fight. Me and grandma, we would tussle. Like she was a baker. She liked to bake cookies and cake and brownies and everything that was good. And I liked it a whole lot.

And I would eat it up too fast. And she would tell me how it pissed her off. And she would say, stop doing that. It pisses me off. And I tried. I tried to control myself, but I didn't have any self-control, and she knew that.

She knew I didn't have self-control, but she still made the sweets. She was like a pimp feeding crack to her bitch. I'd have to beg for cookies. I'd beg. I'd say, please, please. And she'd say, shut up. No, I didn't do that. I didn't. It's just a joke. She's a homophobe. I didn't suck her penis. She's a... All right. Thank you.

All right. Keith Kord is with us. Very interesting set. A lot to unpack there. A lot to unpack. What do you think a homophobe is? I don't know. I don't know. I don't know. All right, thank you. All right. Keith Cortez with a very interesting set.

A lot to unpack there. A lot to unpack. What do you think a homophobe is? No, my grandma, she was one of the first transgender, you know? She has a penis, but she's a homophobic grandmother with a penis. Keith, you're out of your fucking mind a little bit. Out of his mind? That's exactly my favorite genre of porn. Yeah.

Old grandma tussling. No, homophobic grandma with a penis. Oh, yeah. I love that. Yeah, my grandma, she has a site. I'll give you her website. Great. It's a porn website for you to jerk off to. What?

Dude, I already jerked off to your grandma. Under the table. I am hard as a rock, though. It's rare comedians can mix eroticism with such great jokes. What the fuck is real? Yeah, I don't know. I'm a little confused. Just to make sure your grandma doesn't have a dick, right?

No, she doesn't have a dick, it's a joke. I'm sorry guys. Did you guys ever fight? No, we didn't fight too much. Did she bake? At all? Was anything real Heath? No. Did you even like cookies? Well, I loved her cookies.

I loved her cookies, Ian. I loved her cookies. That wasn't the thing. She did make me feel guilty for eating the cookies, and that's where the art came from, you know? I love it. Heath, let's talk about real life for a second. You're a little bit of a rock star around these parts, right? You work at the mothership like five nights a week at least, and you're always around. You're a little bit of a rock star around these parts, right?

You work at the mothership like five nights a week, at least, and you're always around. You're doing shows all around town. Everybody knows Heath Cortis, the little legend. Yeah, it's fun on 6th Street. It makes me feel pretty cool. Yeah, speaking of which, I was given a little bit of information

that you might not know that I know. Oh, no. Yeah, I was shown. I was shown video. I believe it was Saturday night. Breaking news. Breaking news. I was shown a little video on Saturday night.

And someone said to me, one of the managers here goes, ooh, you know about your boy? Uh-oh. And I go, no, and which boy? And they go, little Heath. The boy. The boy, the true boy, the one true youngling. And they showed me video of them carrying you

and throwing you in the backseat of an Uber because what happened there Heath? Tell us exactly what went down. I got pretty drunk. I got pretty drunk and I thought what went down. I got pretty drunk. And I got pretty drunk, and I thought I went home. I remembered the Waymo trip, and I thought that I went directly home. But apparently I went to Mitzi's in between. And I got carried out of Mitzi's by a security guy.

And I pissed myself in the Waymo. Wow. Wow. That's Waymo that we needed to know. Wow. How do you know that you pissed yourself in the Waymo? Because my pants were very wet the next morning. The next morning, they were still wet. Look at you. They were very wet, yeah.

You naughty little boy. Wow. What exactly do you... What? How much do you have to drink to get that drunk? What is that, a full can of beer or something? What puts you in that type of place? No, I'm getting good. I'm getting good at it. Like, it was at least eight or nine drinks that night.

Oh, my God. He... What's going on with you, buddy? Do you feel okay? You're just having fun. You're 20, what, two now? I've never felt better, Tony. Wow. Look at you. You fucking little party machine. How old are you? I'm 23. I just had my birthday.

23. Don't look at day over 11. It's incredible. And you've been drinking a lot like that, or was that, like, a special thing? Uh, it happens a little too much. Mm-hmm. Yeah. What do you think about that? What are we thinking? You think you might have a little problem? Might have a little problem.

A little problem for a little guy. That's adorable. Come on! That's adorable. Whoo! Who needs grandma's cookies when you can have a glass of straight whiskey? Amen.

He's not gonna go through the 12 steps. I'll go through the 12 stools. Yeah. Yeah. Are you drunk right now, Heath? I'm a little buzzed. What have you been drinking? What is going on over here?

Someone put a little White Claw in your baba. Yeah. Someone put a little dip your pacifier in some whiskey. They did. Yeah. And now if they did whiskey, I'd throw up. pacifier in some whiskey? They did. Yeah. And now if they did whiskey, I'd throw up. I can't do whiskey. Of course.

Yeah. I just do jello shots. Okay. No, seriously. What do you really drink? Like that night that you pissed yourself in a Waymo, what did you really drink? Yeah. Like, lemon drops and gay shit.

Like, win jello shots. Wow. Really? I don't think I'm gay, but like, I drink gay. That's okay. That's okay. Nothing wrong with that. Wow, amazing, Heath. Well, I mean, it's, I love it, you know.

Me and all my friends, we all grew up at the Comedy Store. You know, it was our college experience, and it's fun to get to watch you go through it. Look at you, hitting a vape pen up here. Like, you can't... Like, I'm not about to send you off. He's just got to show off. Oh, yeah, I'm a real... I'm a real boy. Just a vaping boy. Can't wait 15 more seconds for that hot hit of vape.

Sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. But we love you, Heath. It's so fun to watch you grow physically and mentally here at the mothership. We love you, you young buck. You're on your way to wild success. Can I champion one thing on the show real quick? Ah.

Please. Sure, Heath. I had a threesome. Whoa, OK. Hold on. Sure Heath. I had a threesome. Whoa, okay. Hold on, hold on. Hold on a second. Hold your fucking horses. Now we got something to talk about.

Now we got something to talk about. Yes, black power, absolutely. Holy, whoa, whoa Heath, whoa, whoa. No, don't do that Heath. God damn, stop doing that Heath. Don't do that, you little rabble rouser. Settle down. Settle down you crazy bastard.

Oh my God. Jesus Christ. Trying to get away from the whole Nazi thing. God damn it. Fascist Tony Hinchcliffe has 11 year old Nazi training the Hitler youth over here. He looks like the kind of genetic freak Hitler was trying to get rid of. Let's talk about this threesome,

or as many people are calling it already, a two and a half-some. What happened? How did it go down? Let's talk about it, Heath. It was a very hot lady who had an OnlyFans account. And I made out with her like a year ago. And I wasn't supposed to do that

because I was dating somebody at the time. Whoa. And so, like, everything, she's been, like, totally hot for me, you know? Uh-huh. And, um... It didn't work. It didn't work.

I was gonna put on a mustache, but it didn't work. You can have mine. You can pick it up. Pick it up, Heath. You have another shot at this. I don't know what you're doing, but... Okay. Pick it up, Heath. You have another shot at this. I don't know what you're doing, but... Okay.

Did the adhesive stay on the other side of it? Okay, let's skip the mustache. Let's get back to the threesome. Wow. Can you just, real quick, just for my own super confusion, why were you gonna put on a mustache there? It was supposed to be like a metaphor about how I'm a man now. Oh, okay. Well, God has his own very funny sense of humor. God's like,

huh huh huh, no way, bitch. Okay. I'm flying on the play. All right, so let's talk about this threesome. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha There has to be one more. There was another one. It was her friend. I don't remember her name. I don't know her name at all. It was just her friend. You don't, yes Duncan. Dude, you're gonna get sex traffic, man. Yeah, absolutely.

I'm serious, you can't fuck around, dude. There's no one easier to traffic than somebody you can fit in your glove compartment. You gotta be careful. I know, I gotta be more careful. Thank you, Duncan. His threesome was just him and a baby bjorn while two people fucked. Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha!

Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! So Heath, take us through it. How does it go down? You're at a strip club? Is that what you said? I met her at the strip club, yeah. Okay. And then we went to her place. Uh-huh said? I met her at the strip club, yeah. Okay.

And then we went to her place. Uh-huh. And I don't remember a whole lot of it. But I do remember that both of them did stuff to my penis. You were molested. Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha!

This is... This is what a show this is, right? One second he's doing Nazi salutes, the next he's admitting to being molested. All to start the show. So you just, that's what you remember? That's what I remember, Tony. Do you remember anything else? Were your pants wet the next morning?

Yeah, they were a little wet, Tony. Do you remember anything else? Were your pants wet the next morning? Yeah, they were a little wet. Yeah, they were a little wet. Did they film it? You said it was OnlyFans. I sure hope they didn't film it. Oh my God. It's her OnlyFans.

Nope. Nope. Any other details about it that you remember? No, I remember feeling shame the next day. You felt shame? Yeah, I felt shame. Imagine how they felt. What the fuck did we do last night?

They felt nothing. Just rare stripper guilt. The rare SG. All right. The show has begun under the unbelievable control of Heath Cortez, ladies and gentlemen. Great job. And now we go to the bucket.

You guys know this is the part where things can get a little bit wacky, because we're meeting people. Anything can happen. A lot of these people's hearts are beating out of their fucking chest, because minutes before before they have no idea that they're going up and all of a sudden now they're on the biggest comedy show in the world. This looks like a fake name, but I'm gonna read it anyway. We're gonna see what happens here.

Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket full of the name goes by Tony Pepperoni. Oh my God, it's Tony Pepperoni. Goddamn it. Hey, it's me, Tony Pepperoni. Hey, what do you call it when the Wright brothers do 9-11? The Wrong Brothers or Mama Mia? When I say Mama Mia, you say Papa Pia, Mama Mia. Papa Pia. Mama Mia. Mama Mia. the wrong brothers, amamamia. When I say amamamia, you say papa-pia, amamamia.

What's a fat lady's favorite computer, Adele, amamamia. Hey guys, anxiety is like vaping. Just because you're not ashamed of it doesn't mean it's not gay, amamamia. What was that? Say some racist jokes? Okay. Uh... Uh... What do you call a Chinese guy with a lot of money?

Cha-ching, amamamia. What do you call a Chinese guy with a lot of money? Cha-ching? What do you call an Italian with herpes? Tony Pepperoni. Tony Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. Unbelievable. Welcome to the show, Tony Pepperoni. Thank you.

You absolutely destroyed. This is incredible. We've never had anything quite exactly like you on the show before. Wow. Your name is Tony Pepperoni. You are also wearing a shirt covered in pepperonis. You took the approach that Heath should have taken to a fake mustache. Just gone straight duct tape.

None of this fucking just regular padding bullshit over here. And for some reason, why not? You're wearing a chef's hat that even chefs don't ever actually wear. It's just basically a costume. Tony Pepperoni, how long have you been doing stand-up? Uh, five years. Oh, wow. Look at that.

Oh, my God. How long have you been experimenting with the Tony Pepperoni character? Three years. All right. So, two years in, and you're like, I need to try something else. Did you notice an improvement when you made the big switch to Tony Pepperoni? Huge improvement.

Huge. People love Tony Pepperoni. Now where have you been doing this at? Uh, Austin. Oh, you've lived here in Austin the whole time? Yes, sir. This is where you're originally from? Yes, sir.

Wow, amazing. Amazing. in the whole time? Yes, sir. This is where you're originally from? Yes, sir. Wow, amazing, amazing. Uh, so, uh, Tony, uh, Mr. Pepperoni, if I may. What do you do for work, exactly? Uh, I'm unemployed. Uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh, uh Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! I got to sell some t-shirts. If anybody wants to go on my Instagram, I'm selling t-shirts. Are they Tony Pepperoni t-shirts? Yeah. Well, you're about to sell out. What's your Instagram? Tony Pepperoni Comedy. Wow.

Tony Pepperoni Comedy, ladies and gentlemen. Support Tony Pepperoni. We love Tonys, and we love pepperonis. Incredible. How many T-shirts have you sold up to this date? Uh, zero. Wow. Amazing. We would expect nothing less, nothing more. That is the over-under at DraftKings.com,

using the promo code KILTONI. So let's talk about it, Tony. What do you do for fun? Uh, sometimes I make rap beats. Like on a computer at home? Yeah, yeah, on a computer at home. You don't do it with your mouth or anything? Well, sometimes I rap.

Really? Yeah. Wow. It's not good. I mean, guys, I mean, I don't care if you say it's not good. You're wearing a chef's hat. You have duct tape on your face, a, I mean, I don't care if you say it's not good. You're wearing a chef's hat. You have duct tape on your face, a pepperoni shirt, and you crushed your set.

Michael, give us a little light beat. Tell him the beat that you want, Tony Pepperoni. A slow beat. Oh! -♪ POPPING SOUNDS CONTINUE TO PLAY ON TABLET POPPING SOUNDS Hey, give me that spotlight. -♪ POPPING SOUNDS CONTINUE TO PLAY ON TABLET POPPING SOUNDS Yo. Hey, give me that spotlight. Yo.

What the... Put your hands in the air. Put your hands in the air. When I say, Mama Mia, you say, I pop a beer. Mama Mia. Mama Mia. Mama Mia. hands in the air when I say mama mia you say I pop a beer mama mia mama mia yo see ya I wouldn't want to be ya cuz you ain't the one those one that's wearing pizza that's me Tony P P E double P R O N E ain't no

phony ain't no baloney it's's cheese and pep, cheese and pepperoni. Check my Insta, buy a shirt and get to know me. Oh, wow. I'm getting reports in my ear that that is one of the most prolific raps in the history of the show. Some people are saying, they're also saying that you just said pepperoni five times. It's absolutely incredible. Wow. What's your real name?

Anthony. So you really are a Tony? Yes, sir. Wow. Wow. Incredible. Absolutely amazing. Is there anything else crazy we should know about your life, Tony Pepperoni?

I used to work in the sewers. You used to work in the sewers? Yes, sir. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely amazing. Red band on the ones and twos. No better time for a Italian stereotype

than Tony Pepperoni telling us that he worked in the sewers. What exactly did you do in the sewers? Uh, mostly I crawled in the sewers and I got all the big rocks out of the way. Wow. Okay. What did you do in the sewers? Mostly I crawled in the sewers and I got all the big rocks out of the way. Wow, okay. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Amazing. Wow. That is incredible. Is there anything else that you did other than move big rocks out of the way in a sewer? Did you have any other responsibilities at all? I've never heard of an actual Italian doing anything like this in the past 150 years.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So there's the, we had to inspect the sewer pipes with a camera. So I would lower the camera in and then pull it back out. Wow, very good. Very good. Pulling out is exactly what you should be doing, Tony Pepperoni. But I'm gonna tell you what, I loved your minute, I loved the interview, I loved everything about it. It's completely insane, but I like it. Tony Pepperoni, ladies and gentlemen, has started the show. Started the bucket.

And we have pure momentum going into bucket pull number two. Absolutely incredible. One more time for Tony Pepperoni, everyone. Oh my god. Oh my god. Speaking of pepperonis. The lovely Heidi Lee. How about a hand for Heidi, everyone? One of the backbones of our squad here.

This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys enter the room. Dick first. Blue Chew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer, lasting like someone gave you downstairs a pep talk and a gym membership. Bluechew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Speaking of better sex.

Right, man. Tony, I think Bluechew is providing some of the best ED treatment out there. Sometimes I take a Bluechew just to make standing in line easier. It gives me something to lean on. Let's face it, Tony, this ain't a supplement. It's an erection resurrection. We're really doing it, Redban. And guys, this isn't just about performance.

This is about legacy or third legacy. Give our group chat something to talk about. You know, when you lay it down and they're talking about how good that, nothing makes you more of a legend than a little blue chew. Discover your options at bluechew.com. And we always got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Bluechew free.

Just use promo code Donia, check out and pay five bucks for shipping. Wow, that's it. Join Bluechew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to bluechew.com for details and safety info and big thanks to Bluechew for sponsoring the podcast. Hi, I'm Heather McDonald,

comedian, podcast host and connoisseur of celebrity drama. And let me tell you, Amazon Prime is the unsung hero of my chaotic, passion-filled life. I use Prime for fast delivery on everything from tech gear for recording to books I swear I'll finish before the next scandal breaks. Streaming, I've binged enough gripping documentaries on Prime Video to consider myself an amateur detective.

As you know, at this point, music, my Amazon music playlist shift with my mood faster than a Hollywood headline. Prime isn't just about getting things fast. It's about feeling whatever I'm into. It helps me go deeper, discover new obsessions, and make the most of every weird little interest that makes me me. So whether you're planning, procrastinating, or partying, whatever you're into, it's on Prime.

Visit amazon.ca slash prime to get more out of whatever you're into. All right. We're having fun. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pull goes by the name of Ian Simon, everyone. Ian Simon makes some noise for Ian, everybody.

How the fuck is everybody doing? This is a great evening. Glad to fucking be here, guys. Fucking band. Amazing. All right, so let's start off on fucking Jew, all right? I'm a German Jew, to be exact, so it's very confusing for me a lot. Sometimes I'm like,

Oh, hey, hey! The other times I'm like, See, Kyle! It's very... Hey, I could fucking say it, guys. Anyway, here's one for you. What do you get when you cross a Jewish guy? Nothing? Christianity.

Bring it back. Okay, so, we have any animal lovers out here? Everybody loves animals, got a fucking dog. Come on, you got a dog. Yeah, see, dogs, cat. You're good. So, I got a fucking dog. Come on, you got a dog. Yeah, see? Dogs, cat. You're good. So, I got a black cat. Black rescue cat. I named her Toothless from How to Train a Dragon. And let's just say she had teeth when I found her.

I really love me some black pussy. Whoo! Speaking of fried chicken, if this doesn't work out well, I'm gonna open up a food truck, because every time you want, every time you want Chick-fil-A, it's closed on a fucking Sunday, dude. Bullshit.

Ian Simon. Side chicks! Whoa, okay. The name is Simon Sims! Ian, Ian, Ian, Ian. Stick with me over here. That's it. That's it, buddy. That's it. your part's done.

Sorry. Hi, Ian. You've seen the show before, right? Not till the end. Not till the end. I always turn off before the end. Okay, but you know- I don't like to see the bad guy die.

Okay, Ian. Stick, stick. Monster movies. Ian. Oh, ADHD's a hell of a drug, Tony. Okay, well it doesn't work very well on this show. You're in the interview part now, Ian. I need my crutch before I forget.

Harlan Williams gave me a crutch, a silver crutch. I'm sorry I should be doing this, right? Are you supposed to be talking? You are correct. Wow. Somehow your instincts took over there. Look at that. Amazing. Thank you. Ian, so you've been on the show once before, right?

Yes, sir. And Harlan was the guest. What did we learn about you that night? Um, that I'm damaged goods, pretty much. Mm-hmm. But, um, you know, in a good way. What way? Can you explain? Can you remind us what we learned exactly? Um, I probably shouldn't be out in public.

Why? Um... I wish it was something cool like Tourette's or something like that. It's not. I'm just borderline retarded. Okay. Like, not special needs, but the other retard. The one that used to, before they switched it up

and everything went sideways. You know, when you could just be like, that's retarded. That motherfucker's a f***. Can you please change your name to not Ian? Can you please change your name to not Ian? IAN! IAN! IAN! Please?

Perhaps something that rhymes with a pizza topping or something like that. Oh, like Mamma Mia and the Papapias. There you go. Yeah, you got it, Ian. Maybe it was diarrhea. Hey, killing yourself. Hey, yo! Ian, how long you been on standup? About a year and a half, two years. What do you do for work?

Nothing at the moment. Thank you for asking though. We touched on it last time. I had a disability for 20 years because I'm all fucked up. How'd you get fucked up? It's been a run of interesting, you know, serious- Can you just name some other things?

Yeah, car accidents, adrenaline junkie crap, just run of the mill. Driving your car? Play hard, hard. Driving his car into protests? Yeah. I've been known to get a protestor, too, on the way to Circle K or 7-Eleven. Okay, Ian, we're gonna keep it moving.

You got a little jokebook last time you were on? Fuck, no, I didn't. I got a crutch. You got nothing. You got nothing last time. No, no, I got a silver crutch. I could see why you got nothing last time. You know, I was in the ER twice for my legs. Here, catch this. Catch that. There he goes. Ian Simon, everybody.

There he goes. There he goes. Ian Simon, everyone. He's leaving now. There you go, Ian. There he goes. There goes Ian Simon, everybody. One more time for Ian, everyone.

There he goes. Hell yeah. There's a vibe tonight. Anything can happen on this show. Make some noise. Make some noise. Make some noise. Make some noise.

Make some noise. Make some noise. Make some noise. Make some noise. Make some noise. Make some noise. Make some noise. Hell yeah! There's a vibe tonight. Anything can happen on this show. Make some noise for your next bucket pull, Mark Fitz. Mark Fitz. Yeah. You know how transvestites do that thing

where they tuck their dick in balls between their legs, make it look like they might have a pussy? I was wondering what you were doing. You know how transvestites do that thing where they tuck their dick in balls between their legs and make it look like they might have a pussy? I was wondering what do old transvestites do with all that saggy, stretchy, scrotum skin? My knees are shaking. All that saggy, scrotum skin hanging out.

Someone told me they stuff it up her ass, is what I heard. I thought I was high and I thought, what the fuck would they do if they farted with that giant skin bag inside their, blow a giant fucking balloon out their head. Then I thought, man, what if they ate like a fuckload of beans and just put some E. coli into it? Man, they could work up a massive fucking fart. He could unwedge his fucking G string and take flight like a fucking hot air balloon, man.

My legs are shaking, man. Uh, man, he could go on to be the next giant, hairy scrotum float in the next Gay Pride Par shaking, man. Uh, man, he could go on to be the next giant, hairy scrotum float in the next gay pride parade, man. Oh, that's something for an old tranny to put on his bucket list, ain't it? Short tag, quick and funny. Parade floats bust open sometimes. If that scrotum float was to bust open,

that would rain down, come all over those sh-t, like manna from the heavens of the great gods gay gods Thank you. That's my time. Okay, Mark Fitz Welcome to the show mark. This is your first time on correct Yeah, I would remember if you've been on before and I loved seeing new faces up here We like your style mark what I do you got do? You got the boys laughing. You got everybody laughing. That's what I'm here for. We are so relieved after the last comedian.

Believe it or not, basically you're like, after Ian Simon, you're basically Richard fucking Pryor right now. We would have laughed at anything and you did good enough. I don't do the blackface. No, don't worry about it. Don't ruin it now, Mark. Just play it cool. Wait until I ask you about it. Don't ruin it now, Mark. Just play it cool.

Wait until I ask you a question, Mark. Play it cool, Mark. You're doing good. Duncan Trussell. I wasn't laughing at your jokes. Thanks. Same. I was laughing because the only funny part of that to me

was when you kept saying, my legs are shaking. Yeah, when I did the scrotum thing, I looked down, my knees were okay then, but I went like this, and my knees were like, ugh, like, what the fuck? See, that's real. Yeah. Everything else is bull.

You... I don't... I can't imagine that at some point, you're like, I wonder what happens if an old transistor... You think if they eat beans they shit a fart? Ugh! So let's talk about it, Mark.

You have a very good command of the stage. You're calm, cool, collected. How old are you, Mark? 63. How long you been doing stand-up? That's a loaded question. Uh, 44 years, but technically... Technically technically this is my first time on stage. Alright, explain that to us.

The first time I ever actually did a stand-up act was when I was in 11th grade. I was in this class, it was called a speech class. Every week you had to give a, it wasn't like how to talk, but it was like they give you a speech class. And every week you had to give a, it wasn't like how to talk, but it was like, they give you a speech class. They taught you every week how to present a, like do a presentation speech for something, you know? And the one week it was for doing a standup act. And I had two George Carlin albums.

I had a Toledo window box and a class clown. I had that shit memorized, man. Like first day I ever gotten, only I ever got. So you just did George Carlin jokes? Yeah. Nice. He let us plagiarize it. So you did a Carlos Mencia impression. Very good. Yeah.

I actually thought about saying something like that. So this is your first time on stage since then? Right here? You haven't done any open? Yeah, I've never been on stage. No open mics? No, nothing? No, no, no. You just decided to come here? Yeah. Wow. What made you do that? Kind of a bucket list thing.

To be on Kill Tony. How many weeks have you signed up? To do stand up, but then I, I, it was to like, I was initially going to like try to just do open mics and like do the three minute things, but do three one minutes and see which one's the best one and hopefully get on here. Sure.

But that never happened. Why? My first year I came down to Austin I had three different medical issues that caused me the simple things nothing big but I were they knee operation can feed operations and no I don't have feet like plantar fascia and an ACL no all my toes and I had a broken what happened to your toes kind of like that hammer toe shit. I had like a, just had to correct it. Okay, and-

Now it's a screwdriver toe. And can heal you. He does this thing where he sucks on toes and- That's okay. Give me them toenails. No, no. I'm gonna take your beard while I do it. How long ago did you move to Austin?

About three years ago. So three years ago. So when you were 60 years old you moved to Austin. Where did you move from? Pittsburgh. Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. What were you doing in Pittsburgh? Working in the steel industry? No, no. I I've been doing like, I used to do construction work but I had some body, I had some injuries and my body can't take it no more so I just I started doing like online merch stores and stuff like that. Okay. What do you do for fun?

Uh, shoot, pull. Nice. A few other things. Absolutely. Okay, Duncan. Show us your feet. Nice. Yeah.

Show us your feet. You don't want to do it? Feet. Feet. Feet. He's embarrassed. He doesn't want to show his feet. We're getting a hard, hard... It ain't going to... It's not like Cam's dad.

They look normal. It's just... It's just... It's I ain't going to... There's nothing. It's not like Cam's dad. They look normal. It's just... It's... They're just normal. Amazing reference. I just had my little toe was kind of curling over a little bit onto the side

is all it was, and now they fixed it, now it's straight, so it's like all you'd see is a little scar. So I'm not taking my sock and shoe off to show you. Wow. Sorry. So they made your toes? Pay me later, I might, no. Okay. So the doctor made your toes straight?

Yeah. Okay, I'm gonna need to talk to this doctor. Um. Ha ha ha ha. Hm? Ha ha ha ha. Ah la la la la la la la. Ah la la la la la la la.

Ah la la la la la la la. Ah la la la la la la. Anyway. Um, do you have any kids? La la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la la Jesus Christ, all right, homophobe. What are you, what are you, what are you? Heath's grandmother? Okay. That actually makes sense, because Heath's grandmother, homophobe, and had a penis, could be him. Oh, hell, him, okay. Who's a reference to him earlier.

I was listening to that, yeah. So, but you've had girlfriends? Of course, yeah. Of course. What's the longest relationship you ever had? Few months. Few months, that's it? Well, how did these things end so fast with you?

You're a handsome man. You look like you could be a former pro wrestler or something. I used to be really big, but no. I was real wild as a kid. Tell us about that. What do you mean you were real wild? Yeah, I kind of figured you would. Yeah.

Like other people, I don't understand why people don't come prepared, of course, with jokes, but also to talk about something. You literally have an opportunity to do what you're criticizing right now. You are in the moment being like, you know what's crazy is when people don't answer questions honestly.

Go right ahead. I was a real bad, wild kid. I started stealing when I was seven. I went all off into my adult, young adult life. I spent a bunch of time in and out of jail and prisons. What's the longest you ever spent in prison? Uh, I did 17 years altogether, but seven of it was busted up into a bunch of little...

So, wow. And I did 10 years straight in a maximum-security prison. Oh, my God. So, what did you do to get the 10 year sentence? Uh, robbery and a handful of other unrelated... What did you rob exactly? Uh... Us of our time?

No, I... I am so scared of you. That's a good thing. You're a real bandit out there. Old curly toes strikes again. Ah, the curly toed bandit. I hooked him with my toes. Whoa.

No, I, it was a... Old curly toes. I kind of hate talking about it. I rubbed the sink. You know what the 10th century year federal sentence was for. Yeah, I just said I feel weird talking about it. I bet.

It was, yeah, I mean, it's long ago. It's over now? You're a great guy now. I broke up the safe in the grocery store. You broke open a safe in a grocery store? No, I went in while they were open for business and called for the manager and had him take me back in there. Was it an HEB?

No, no, no, no. This is a different state. This is a Pittsburgh, buddy. Giant Eagle? H-E-B? No, no, no, no, this is a different state. This is Pittsburgh, buddy. Giant Eagle? No. Kroger? Different state. Was it a Kroger? It was one of, no, it was one of them.

Full Foods? This wasn't in Pittsburgh, it was one of those- Wegmans? I don't even know the name of the grocery store. It wasn't a normal chain- You don't even know the name of the grocery store that you robbed and got 10 years in federal prison for? I think that's the last thing I should really concentrate on.

Yeah, but... I mean, you got 10 years in prison. I would have... No, it was one of them no-name. It wasn't like a chain-grocer store. It was one of them little... Okay, so let's slow it down. Just stick with me and answer the questions honestly, okay? So, at what point did you get caught?

Did you get money out of the safe? Oh, yeah, I got away with it. How much did you get? But then I got caught later. Answer the fucking questions. I was. Answer the fucking questions. Stick with me.

Focus, focus motherfucker. How much money did you get out of the safe on that day? 11,000 and I got away with it, but then I got caught later. Okay. That's what I was gonna say. How did you get caught later? How long did you get away with it?

How did they catch you? When I ran out the door of the grocery store and how they slide open, but it's not fast enough because I'm wanting to leave real fast. Put the mic up to your mouth. And I, oh sorry, and I put my hand onto the door

and pushed it shut. Oh, fingerprints. I already had fingerprints on. Yes, wow. So how long did you get away with it for? Two months, one month, three months? A few months. How long, what did you spend?

No, it was like about six, almost five, six months, yeah. All good. What did you spend the $11,000 on? Uh-huh. Just, I just, just, I don't know, just blew it, just, I was throwed off. Were you doing drugs?

No, I never did drugs. You never did drugs? Smoked beef. Prostitutes? off. Were you doing drugs? No, I never did drugs. You never did drugs? Smoked beef. Prostitutes? Nah. No booger sugar? Nah. Come on, man. You robbed a grocery store of $11,000

and you didn't spend the money on anything in particular? No, I just blew it. I was very wild and, uh, adventure-seeking kind of a person. That was my weird... I liked the thrill of... In a sick, demented... Again, I was a fucked up childhood, so I just liked...

What was fucked up about your childhood? Tell us that. Oh, I was just wild as fuck, just off the chain, wild as fuck. I started stealing when I was seven. I did my first burglary when I was nine. I wasn't a good camp. When you say burglary at nine, what exactly did you burglar at nine? Somebody's house that left the doors open.

And what did you get from their house? Toys? I would just, no. What do you steal at nine? No, I would steal money and stuff. The first time I did it, I went back to this house like four or five times over a period of a couple months and I would Go in sneak some stuff. Take it. What's the last crime that you committed? That one I did the big one the grocery store

Yeah, and then since and when I got into prison that time there my my first year in I was like your typical angry fucking prisoner, but I My second year and I decided man. I'm done with this shit. While I was there, it wasn't hard. I mean, it was very hard. It wasn't easy inside of a mass maturity prison to turn your life around. Craziest thing that happened to you in the 10 years in prison.

You answer this one good, and then the interview is over, but I want a good fucking answer on this one. I don't want you to go, it was wild, and me go, what do you mean wild? It was really wild, and me go, what the fuck do you mean, dude? Because you're driving me kind of crazy.

I got snagged up in a riot, but I got out of it and left. But it wasn't. When you say snagged up in a riot, again, what exactly do you mean? Well, I was in a, I was in a, one of them prisons where it's divided up into gangs. Of course. I'm guessing.

I didn't want to be in it. So I was like by myself, which is rather dangerous, but I used to be in it. So I was like by myself, which is rather dangerous. But I used to be really big. So I was able to go. So like the white. I was I was outside in the out in the grass field and it was a softball field and there's only one gate to go through to get out.

And a riot started right outside that gate. And I had to leave because you have to go lock down when they have riots. And this place has riots all the fucking time. Yeah. And they I got leave, because you have to go lock down when they have riots, and this place has riots all the fucking time. And I got snagged up in a little bit, but I just got up. Set was decent, interview was compelling. I'm giving you a big joke book, Mark Fitz.

Can I ask you one thing real fast? Wait, what, what? Can I ask you one thing real fast? You're gonna ask me something right now? Okay. I've been trying to contact Ari Maddie for a while. I can help him qualify for a government program to get citizenship.

I'll give you his phone number. Hold on, no, Duncan. Duncan, no. But his prison style, he gotta give me something in return. I actually have... Can you explain to us how you of all people, not me, friends with the current administration or Joe Rogan who literally decided the presidency of the United States,

what can you do that we can't do exactly? I... It's a long story how I got it, but I stumbled... I was looking for something for myself myself not because I'm an illegal immigrant but something else but I noticed this one thing that I read about and it's something that he could qualify for that it's a pathway to citizenship I actually I put the guy I actually because I wasn't trying to contact them I did a video and I put it on a tablet I have the tablet out here to give to you so he can you can it explains it in the video it's too much to explain out here and it's not funny.

-"Hello?" -"Ari, you're on the show." -"Jesus Christ." -"I know I told you that you have the night off, but there's a guy up here, very scary guy. He's been to prison numerous times. He's 63 years old. He's been to prison a lot. He's been to prison a lot. He's been to prison a lot.

He's been to prison a lot. He's been to prison a lot. He's been to prison a lot. He's been to prison a lot. Jesus Christ. I know I told you that you have the night off, but there's a guy up here, very scary guy. He's been to prison numerous times. He's 63 years old. The last time he was onstage was 44 years ago. It takes him forever to answer questions. He spent 10 years in federal prison

after robbing a grocery store in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, for $11,000. He got away with it for six months, but he left his fingerprints on the door on his way out. And, uh... And he was part of a riot once. Long story short, at the very end, after I told him I'm gonna give him a big joke book, he said, there's one more thing.

Can I ask you a question? I can help Ari Maddie get citizenship. Uh, how far away are you from the club, exactly? I am, uh, just getting out of the steam room, so, uh... That's right. How far away are you from the club, exactly? I am just getting out of the steam room, so... Uh... Uh... I reckon I'm, like, 15 minutes out.

Okay, well, we have a guy here that's going to, uh, that's gonna talk to you about some stuff, and then we'll have some drinks afterwards, okay? So, the guy who's, uh, convicted criminal, uh, from the grocery store, he's gonna help me. That's all I need, Tony. How about you get another rapist or a Nazi? How about we get a whole crew together?

What the fuck kind of a crew are you putting together? I need a lawyer, not a criminal. Oh. Absolutely perfect. Ari Matty, ladies and gentlemen, we love you, Ari. We'll see you soon. There you go. And here's your big joke book.

Did you have fun here tonight? You seem like you didn't enjoy this. You happy? Okay, there you go. There he goes. Mark Fitz. Let's get one more bucket full out here. This is Trixie Mattel, cohost of The Bald and the Beautiful

podcast, lover of wigs, winged eyeliner, and one-click ordering with Amazon Prime. And I'm Katya, podcast cohost, celebrated gymnast of the mind, and compulsive curator of very specific interests. Amazon Prime allows me to keep up with all of them. With Prime, I've ordered rhinestones, wig stands, and a pink toolbox I now use as a makeup kit all in one go. Amazon Prime allows me to keep up with all of them. With Prime, I've ordered rhinestones, wig stands,

and a pink toolbox I now use as a makeup kit, all in one go. And best of all, they showed up before I even remembered I bought them. All while streaming top shows on Prime Video and playing chaotic but oddly soothing soundtracks on Amazon Music. Prime isn't just a shipping service.

It's a buffet of deals, shows, playlists, and convenience that supports every one of my obsessions, both old and new. I get my wig glue delivered fast, stream vintage Italian horror movies while I perfect my latest outfit, and queue up an Eastern European pop playlist on Amazon Music to set the vibe. It's multitasking, but also kind of feral.

From one-day delivery to top shows to music, whatever you're into is on Prime. Visit Amazon.ca slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into. This podcast is sponsored by Talkspace. Therapy can be costly, but Talkspace is affordable and in network with most insurance providers. Talkspace, the leading virtual therapy provider, makes getting the help you need easy, accessible, and affordable. I think Talkspace is providing some of the best mental health treatment out there. Tony Talkspace therapy and psychiatry are covered by many insurance plans and employers,

including TriCare and for active duty and veterans and their dependents. Most insured members have a zero copay. That is incredible. You can easily sign up online and get paired with a licensed provider that's the right fit for your needs. Typically within 48 hours, you can also switch providers at no extra cost. Talkspace makes getting help convenient because you can take your appointments from the comfort and privacy of your own home.

You can even talk it out between sessions by sending messages to your therapist as a listener of this podcast. You'll get $80 off your first month when you go to TalkSpace.com slash Tony and enter promo code space eight zero for TalkSpace. That's S-P-A-C-E eight zero to match with a licensed therapist today. Go to TalkSpace.com slash Tony and enter promo code

space eight zero. Your next bucket full ladies and gentlemen, you having fun out there? Yeah! That's what I fucking thought. Make some noise for him. It's Jimmy Cope-Tarros, everybody. Jimmy Cope-Tarros.

Yeah! Austin, motherfucking Texas. How we doing? Little about me. I'm a, uh, 10-year manager of a grocery store in Pittsburgh. What the fuck? Oh, I got fucking 60s. I'm gonna fuck this whole thing up.

All right, I got 60s. I might have did some worse shit than him. I have an 11-year-old son, and I accidentally showed him all the porn in my phone. Austin, I'm picking him up from summer camp two weeks ago. We're driving home. He sees the Tesla Cybertruck. Dad, I heard those are expensive. Let me have your phone. I hand it to him. It's quiet.

Dad, I look over. Massive amounts of blowjobs on my phone. Full panic. Full panic. I don't even know how that got on my phone. Full panic. Full panic. I don't even know how that got on my phone. He's 11. Dad, it's actually right here in this search bar. I'm freaking out. I take the phone from him. Listen, this is why we have Google Block

on your electronics. One minute I might see is Tom Brady coming out of retirement. And the next minute I see this disgusting filter. And it's quiet, and I feel like I weathered the storm, and he says, Dad, it's totally okay if you're gay. I just start showing him all the vagina in my face. There it is. Very solid, ladies and gentlemen.

Jimmy Coteros. Welcome to the show, Jimmy. Thank you, guys. Thank you. I like your style. Great start. Rolling off of the Pittsburgh thing. Welcome, welcome. Jimmy, how long you been on stand-up? Two years and a month. Awesome. Where are you from? Outside of Tampa.

Okay. Gordon-Dixon country. That's my boy. That sounded less weird when I... Who's Gordon-Dixon? He was on here. He works down at Shakespeare's. He's been on here. All right. He was pulling out the bucket once.

Thank you guys for coming. Okay, yes. They're all here for you, Jimmy. I just wanted to give him a shout out. I came and saw my boy. He's from Camp Rock. Crazy shout out to give, but okay, you got it out there. And you'll never get repaid for that, by the way.

It's an odd favor, and you did it. I like your style, Jimmy. What do you do for work? What type of mechanic are you, exactly? I rob grocery stores, Tony. No, seriously, Jimmy, stick with it. What do I sell at Uncle? Yep, what do you do for work?

I own a junk removal and hauling and home services company. Wow, strong white guy stuff. It's called Jimmy's, so you know I own a junk removal and hauling and home services company. Wow, strong white guy stuff. It's called Jimmy's so you know I own it. That guy just needed to, yeah. If you need someone to haul your junk. Where were you Tony? I apologize. Okay.

Jimmy, Jimmy, Jimmy, do you live here now? No. You still live in Tampa? I do. Okay. It's my second time here. You don't ask that. OK.

All right, Jimmy. Very good. What's the most interesting thing that's ever happened in your life? It's cancer interesting? I don't know if that's interesting. You had cancer? Yeah, three years cancer free.

Wow, congratulations. It was of the lymph nodes? It was the lymph nodes. Yeah. And were you a heavy smoker? You guys have tissues here? No. OK.

Jesus. I'm a light smoker. I'm a light smoker. You still smoke? I smoke. I mean, you have one? No, I smoke. The, the one I drink. Uh-huh. And all that... So tonight.

And all that added up. How old were you when you got diagnosed with cancer? Forty-four. Okay. And you had partied hard from your whole life up until that point? No. I've never been a partier. What was your symptoms? Uh, so I was picking a friend up from the airport.

I lean over to tie my shoes and I start salivating. So I go over to the sink and it's just blood. Oh Jesus. It's the hot part of the show. So then I call 911. I go to the emergency room. It was just a burst abscess and they go, which every doctor has told me, your tonsils are massive. Have you ever been told you should remove them? And I go, yeah. And they go, we think it's time. So I had my tonsils removed, like a miracle. They remove my tonsils and they find the smallest.

Now, what they'll tell you about cancer is they're looking for like a cluster of grapes. They found like a grape. So I had like a 99 percent cure rate. I knew I was gonna be okay, but just thought I'd throw the kitchen sink at it. So 35 rounds of radiation, seven rounds of chemo, 56 pounds lost, feeding tube, all this stuff. Yeah.

I mean, I can make that funnier. I could polish that pig up if you want. I'm just saying, I do have a joke, but I don't want to... Can I say it? I think we all have cancer now, Jimmy. It's oral. Oral. Got it. All right, well...

You really have kids? Yeah. How many do you have? Eight kids. Just one? Yeah. How old is he? He's 12 now. 12 now. Is it true that he found porn on his have? A kid. Just one? Yeah. How old is he? He's 12 now. 12 now.

Is it true that he found porn on his phone? Fake story. Say it again. Real story or fake story? It starts out as a real story. He was about four or five, not two weeks ago. And he saw it and he goes, dad, what's this? And I go, mind your fucking business or whatever.

Like it wasn't even a relevant thing that I had to explain. But I felt like it would be a good bit. All right, yeah. Feelings aren't facts. How do we feel about Jimmy, guys? It's very rare that we have the same comedian on twice in a row. It's very exciting.

My picture was on the wall in that fucking grocery store. By the way, it was called Pathmark. You don't remember the name of it. I fucking remember it. I'll never forget that day. Rest of my life. Third time's a charm. I,

I, I like you, Jimmy. You oscillate between like funny and then like trying to, I think you're naturally funny. Like some of the stuff, like some of your mannerisms and like little lines were, I thought were like very funny, but then it's like, you, I don't know,

like you try to be fun. I would suggest like just be natural and like you have a very compelling, funny story to tell. I think stick to that and just be yourself more. And I think you'd be great. I thought it was, I was laughing at some parts. I'm taking all that. Cause if you it was... I was laughing at some parts. I'm taking all that. Yep.

Because if you have 60 seconds and you laugh at some parts... That's pretty good. Well, it was a little bit of a long walk around the block for the punch line, but, you know, it still had a punch line. And I just wanted to take you on that walk. Thank you.

It's not all funny. Some of it's, you know... When you showed a four-year-old blowjob porn... and he goes, what's that, Dad? You really said... nothing. Shut the fuck up. Yeah. I mean, it sounds different the way you said it.

But, yeah, also, yeah, also, that's what I said. Yeah, both of those can be synonymously true. Yours sounded more, like, rough. Just say it like you said it. Your Honor, yes, I said... Hey, Dad! ...fucking worry about that. Dad, you just fucked up my life forever!

I'm four, I have more neurons in my brain than any other time in my life, and this is gonna freeze itself into my memory. I'll probably have to get therapy. Probably rob a grocery store. My toes will... My toes are gonna curl in. What is this? Now I know what you mean about the long journey to the punch.

I get it now. I get it. I didn't even use that. Jimmy Cope-Tarros, here's a medium-sized jokebook. Congratulations. You were just on Kill Tony. Thank you guys so much get it when you said it. Jimmy Cotero's here's a medium sized joke book. Congratulations, you were just on Kill Tony. There he goes. Jimmy Cotero's. We're flying through it this evening, ladies and gentlemen.

It is happening. People are going to the restroom to do bumps of the old Puerto Rican pound cake. There they go, everybody. All right, it's a special part of the show, ladies and gentlemen. One of our Hall of Fame former regulars is behind that curtain right now. We very rarely get to see him. Known for what I've been kind of looking for and struggling with this evening,

which is the most honest, direct answers in interview history in the Killtony universe. If you know the words to his theme song, sing along. For this is Hans Kim. Hey, I like how Texans will make fun of liberal cities, but when they jerk off, they set their VPN to California. That's gay as fuck, bro. I have a gun. Uh...

Not on me. Somewhere in the room. Over there. I don't even leave my door unlocked anymore because I want to use it. Like, oh, is that my best friend I invited an hour ago or the greatest moment of my life? I have an AR-15.

It can shoot 600 yards. I can't even imagine being mad at someone that far away. Hey, you better stop doing that in 500 yards. All right, that's my time. Thank you so much. Showing the difference between golden second winners, bucket pools, and true, true full-time regulars of the show, former weekly regular Hans Kim is back, ladies and gentlemen.

Hello, my sweet, sweet Hansy. Hello, Tony. Thank you for having me. Sorry about this weekend. I totally fucked up. Oh, that's right. You guys want to hear a fucking behind the scenes, awesome showbiz story

and how absolutely insanely autistic and retarded Hans Kim is everyone. Let me ask you this before I tell them the story you don't have to say the number don't say the number but was that the highest paying one-time 15 minute long gig you've ever missed? Yes. Without a doubt right? Without a doubt. So for 15 minutes let me just tell you it was a lot of money. We will not say the number, but just know, a fucking lot of money, especially for 15 minutes of work. It was scheduled to be in Edmonton, Canada.

We all did it. I made it. Ari Matty made it. David Lucas made it. William Montgomery made it. We had to have a layover in Denver because what they don't tell you about Austin is that it doesn't fucking have direct flights everywhere like LA did. That sucks. Anyway, and in Denver, Hans Kim, after

we ate breakfast, he realized right then, boarding the plane to Edmonton Canada that he forgot his passport ladies and gentlemen. Oh my god. Oh my god. And if you're wondering how much money, definitely at least half your salary. Half of your annual salary. As much as a teacher makes in a year. Yes. For 15 minutes of work the only thing that he needed to bring was his passport. Not even a change of underwear would be necessary. We would all have been home 24 hours later and we were me, Ari, William, David, richer than ever. And then there was Hans, who had to, tell me what,

I don't even know, I couldn't even talk to you afterwards because it was so stupidly frustrating. Oh yeah. So what happened, you had to get a flight from Austin, or from Denver to Austin? I was gonna do that, but then I was like, I have a weekend in Appleton that I canceled for that show. So I was like, let me just go to Appleton.

So I was just alone in a hotel room while you guys were in a stadium. Oh my God, yes. Just in Appleton. In Appleton, Wisconsin. Yeah. So that's even worse. Holy shit.

So wait, hold on. Did you cancel the whole weekend? No, I canceled the Friday. So you were gonna fly from Edmonton to Appleton? Yeah. That's crazy. So that night, can you tell us like, what was going through your head?

What type of guilt and? I was like, stupid, stupid, stupid. See, that's what I'm talking about. That's how you answer a question on Kill Tony, honestly. Do you, like, punch yourself when you're angry and stuff like that? I throw things very hard sometimes, but I try not to do it anymore, because, uh, yeah, it scares people.

That's true. That is true. So, Hans, what else is going on in life? I... Well, the shows in Appleton were great. There was a... Yeah. Sure. So, Hans, what else is going on in life? Well, the show's in Appleton worth great. There was a... Yeah. And you had to do, what, two hour-long sets? Three, two Saturdays, one Sunday to make up for the Friday.

So I was just like four days away from home, just without the teacher salary. And, you know, there was a pregnant lady in the show, and she had a seizure during my set. Wow, a pregnant lady had a seizure during your set in Appleton, Wisconsin. Yeah, she was fine. She could only handle her liquor. No, I'm just kidding.

That's the joke the husband made. Okay, giving credit where it's due. But yeah, I was like, name the kid after me. But yeah, she was seasoned up. I guess that's something that women do when they're pregnant. Who is this? I don't know, maybe she was a liberal. Was it not a specific joke or was there something that it was? Yeah, it was like, you know, the Chinese, a lot of people were racist with the Chinese during the pandemic, which as a Korean I say, let them have it.

They're the ones that decided to eat bats and pangol lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you.

I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm not gonna lie to you. What the fuck is going on with you, Hans? He's a Virginia Tech Shooter 2.0. Ha ha ha ha. Ha. I mean, um, yeah, it's a force multiplier.

Um, I have a battle balance. What do you mean? Wait, what? What's a force? What do you mean? Like, uh, if you have a bulletproof vest, it multiplies how much force you can inflict on your enemies. What the fuck?

What? What do you mean? how much force you can inflict on your enemies. What? What do you mean? Like if you buy another gun, it's not like you're gonna dual wield two AR-15s. So it makes more sense to buy like gear that'll help you in a gun battle. This has gone from an interview to evidence. Yeah.

This is- It is kind of wild. What are you gonna do with all of this stuff, Hans? Do you ever have thoughts about it? Yeah, I think about, like about, it's LaFan, SHTF a lot. Wait, what? SHTF, that's, I've been watching a lot of YouTube

about this. Nobody knows what that is. You're a prepper, you're becoming a prepper. Thank you. He bought me a long range walkie talkie recently. I don't know if he... If that means I'm safe. Oh. Oh, a walkie-talkie.

Oh, a red band. I get you a gift. Oh, oh, do you want the walkie talkie? The shit that hit the fan. Meet me at 2.30. I'm sorry. Oh. I put the walk in walkie talkie. What is your plan with the walkie talkie situation?

Looking for some long-form friendship? Yeah, when we're out in the woods, you know, like, doing an end... You go out in the woods sometimes here in downtown Austin? The old famous Austin Woodlands? What the fuck are you talking about? You know, when the zombies come, when we're like traveling, and you just be like,

hey, Red Band, do you have any more bacon or something? Red Band's like, shh, that's literally all I have is bacon. Fast sums of bacon. Have you guys communicated with these walkie talkies? A little. Yeah. What the fuck? A these walkie talkies? A little. Yeah. What the fuck? A little walkie talkie.

Wow, what are you guys talkie-ing about? Like, hey, we don't, I mean, we were in the same room when we did it, so. Wow, truth comes out. This is what I'm talking about. A good, honest interview. It's so much easier than people think. Both parts, really, the stand-up, be real.

That's what we tell everybody. The interview answer, honestly, it's such a testament. The difference between people trying to blow up their answers and just being real. It's so funny picturing you two in the same room, like, shh, here, can you hear me? Shh. What did you guys talky about?

It was at the secret show every Thursday. And yeah, we were just like, hey, you're gay, I'm gay, we're all gay. Yep, that sounds about right. Yeah, sounds about right. Well, ladies and gentlemen, Hans, you've done it again. An amazing minute and an unbelievably compelling interview. One of the biggest legends in the history of the show.

He is at Madison Square Garden on August 15th. One more time for Hans Kim, everybody. Ooh la la. From walkie talkie to the mighty Heidi. Wow. Ladies and gentlemen, I pulled another name out of the bucket. Make some noise for Chris Cilio. Chris Cilio.

Oh shit, all right. Fuck, I hope this is real. What a hilarious prank that would be. Chris it's your big break. It's Kill Tony. It's an empty warehouse. Nobody's here. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Oh, shit.

All I did before I went blind was jerk off and play video games. And then God was like, that's enough. Yeah! Yeah! I give you a gift and you wasted it, son. I'm gonna let you guys in on a little secret. I'd do it all again tomorrow. I wouldn't have changed a goddamn thing, dude.

Give it up for my roommate for bringing me out here, dude. He's a way better roommate. My last roommate sucked. He just didn't really care about personal space. He would always hang out in my room. Yeah. So every time I'd go to jerk off, I'd have to be like, hello? Ha ha. Yeah! Yeah!

Is anyone there? Which by the way, if you ever hear me say hello, is anyone there? You have about 30 seconds before I start jerking off. Thank you. Wow. You should say something, all right? Or else it's on you, not me. I don't want to hear about it in the papers later.

The guy who kind of looks like Louis C.K. does exactly what Louis CK did. This Ceeleo, can I cut you off? I'm the other way buddy, I'm over here. Shit! Shit! Unbelievable set. Un-be-lievable set. Yes! Wow. Incredible, Chris. I find it all so amazing. I can't believe that you think you look like Louis C.K.

More like Louis can't see K. I loved every single thing about what happened here with you tonight. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Ten years. Ten years. Holy shit. Where are you from? Miami.

You still live in Miami? I just moved here. Wow. Congratulations. How recently did you move here? Two weeks. Is this your first time signing up for the show? No, no. I've been here every week till you got me. So two weeks?

Yeah, yeah. Wow. Amazing. I love it. I love it, Chris. How old are you? Uh, 29. 29. So you started at 19. Yes, sir.

And when did you go blind? About six months before that. Really? You went blind at 19? I was 18. Yeah, yeah. And so what exactly happened? I had, like, a fuckload of, like, retinal detachments, which is something that usually UFC fighters get. But to me, it was a small Chinese boy.

Wait, what does that mean? Small Chinese boy sucked your eyeballs out of your... What happened? My friend in high school was just fucking with me and tossed his high school transcripts at me. Just an envelope full of papers nailed me in the eye. Next day, I was blind. I already had lost one eye before that,

and we're still friends, guys. Relax, all right? Okay. He drives me around sometimes. Wow. That's more dangerous than anything. You're probably the better driver out of the two of you. This is incredible because you lost an eye before that. How did you lose the eye before that? Same thing, just a bunch of retinal detachments,

but I was like, this one's going good. Nothing's going to stop me on this one eye. And then he threw that. His bright future sealed mine. Wow. Is it thyroid issues? No, no, the retina is like in your eye. It's the thing that like... From thyroid that happens. Thyroid disease.

Our senior health correspondent Brian Redband taking a chance trying to relate thyroid issues to retinal detachment. He's who you look like, by the way. Not Louis CK. But the joke still works. Chris, so, you know, blind at 18, so have you, like, had a real job or anything? What do blind guys kind of do? I had a job for a while.

Wasn't that good at it? What was it? Uh, I worked in, like, an office at a nonprofit for a while. Race car driver. That was a crane operator. Dude, I worked at a nonprofit where they helped people find jobs, and they couldn't fire me. Yeah. Right.

As bad as I was, they were like, nah, we'll just let him. You probably couldn't find your cane. How could you find someone else's job? Incredible, Chris. So what else do you do? Like, what are your hobbies? What are you into? I like to go to music festivals and do drugs.

Oh, fuck yeah. Absolutely. Incredible. What's the most fun you've ever had at a music festival? What are your favorite drugs? All of them. OK, hell yeah. Preferably at once. No, acid mushrooms.

Everything that somebody has told me will make me see something, I've put in my mouth. Yep. Yep. Amazing. Oh my god! Woo! What exactly do you see when that stuff happens? Like, I mean, I'd imagine that you still see stuff in your dreams, am I right?

I can still see in my dreams, yeah, yeah. And it's completely black other than that? Other than that, yeah. Even on all the psychedelics, like, it's great. I love psychedelics. It feels like all of my senses are turned up to 11, except for sight that's still on zero. You know, like, it does,

I don't get any visuals with psychedelics, yeah. You don't get visuals on psychedelics? No, no, I've done all of them. Wow. Incredible. How about love life? Have you ever been on any blind dates? So stupid.

So stupid. But, when in Rome, when in Rome... By the way, may I say, D Madness, I've never seen him more on the edge of his seat during an interview. It's the first time he's ever been genuinely interested in anybody in the last 250 episodes of this show. Clearly bias.

They told me to tap him up, I was like, I don't know where he is. Yeah. It is incredible. Chris Celio. So what's it like? Do you date blind guys? How does it work? It's tough, you know, like I'm on the apps, you know?

My bio just says blind comics, see the possibilities. Love it. And I swipe right on everybody. Hell yeah. Love it. And I swipe right on everybody. Hell yeah. Has it worked? Like, give us an example of what going on a date with you is like. I find this all so intriguing.

I had a girl take me to an art exhibit. What a bitch! Really? She just tried really hard to describe things to me that I couldn't care about. God, that is so fucking funny. It's crazy. Wow. My goodness. So what else, Chris?

What are your, like, now that you're here in Austin, what are, Chris? What, like, what are your, like, now that you're here in Austin, what are your goals? What do you want? To do this, man. I want to do this here. Fuck yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Wow. When I, uh... Like, when I first went blind, like, I had always wanted to be a comic, like, even before I went blind, but I kind of forgot about that when just doing a bunch of surgeries and things like that. But when I went blind, I was just sitting at home in the dark listening to, like, Kill Tony and shit.

So ever since then, I wanted to fucking do this. You know? Like, this is a huge moment. Yeah! Whoo! Whoo! Oh, gee, Belly Room Kill Tony, dude. Say that again? Oh, gee, Belly Room killed Tony, dude. Say that again? Oh, gee, Belly Room killed Tony.

Wow. Amazing. Well, Chris, it has come full circle for you, my friend. Even though the lineup is out of control nowadays, so many fucking talented regulars and people in the rotation, I have to say that I want to see more of you, and having you sign up regularly would just be a tremendous hassle for you and for everybody else.

So let me be the first and only one that matters to tell you that you are indeed the newest Golden Ticket winner here on Hotel Del Luna. Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Everyone's on their feet, Chris. They're going crazy. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! And I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Boom! Yeah! Yeah! And I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday. Boom. ["Secret Show Thursday"] There he goes, ladies and gents. Chris, step up to the mic one more time, real quick there. How do you feel right now?

It's right to your right. Jesus, worst handler ever. What, are you blind too, ass? Oh, Jesus Christ. Look at fucking, we saw Tony Pepperoni earlier. He was fucking Tommy Salami. What the fuck is this guy? Look at this fucking gaggoots over here.

Holy shit. Chris, how do you feel? Fucking amazing, man. Thank you so much, dude. Absolutely. Welcome to Austin, Texas. You're an amazing talent, and we're looking forward to having you on. And you got a standing ovation. Yeah. Absolutely. Welcome to Austin, Texas. You're an amazing talent, and we're looking forward to having you on. And you got a standing ovation.

Yeah. Yeah, the place went nuts. Yeah. And that girl in the front row showed her tits. Yeah. Chris, throw that mic in the mic stand. You're part of the Kill Tony universe. They're gonna get your number and information back there. Congratulations. Another one.

The squad continues to grow. Wow, that's so cool. Yeah, that was cool. You guys having fun out there tonight, huh? Yeah! Back to the bucket we go. As you see, or can't see, Back to the bucket we go. As you see, or can't see, anything can happen here on this show.

Goes from funny to compelling to heartfelt to terrible to amazing. Your next bucket pull goes by the name of Keegan Carmichael everybody. Make some noise for Keegan Carmichael, everybody. Make some noise for Keegan Carmichael. ["Carmichael"] ["Carmichael"] ["Carmichael"] ["Carmichael"] My dad would always tell me, alcohol will never fix anything.

Then why did you carry beer in your toolbox? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, you didn't think I noticed. Yeah, I was doing comedy. Comedy's tough. As a comedian, I haven't gone on the road, but I'm pretty close to being on the street. Yeah. to being on the street.

Hey, I wish a story really did come with two sides because I would love to read a book with mashed potatoes and coleslaw. Now, hey, what'd you enjoy about Huckleberry Finn? The gravy. Hey, are you hungry? Cool. Let's go to the library. All right, thank you. Keegan Carmichael.

The... some people are already calling him the, uh... Uh... No. Keegan, let's just jump right into what literally 100% of the people in the room are thinking. Are you aware that in every single way, you're doing a Mitch Hedberg impression? Yeah.

I get reminded every day. Is that on purpose or, like, accident? No. Is this how you are in real life? Yeah, it's weird. Like, people DM me, like, that question, like, is that how you are? Yeah, I don't know.

I don't know what you want me to tell you. So you were like this, and that was your sense of humor, and then you saw Mitch Hedberg, and you're like, Whoa. What the f... What are the odds? I used to impersonate Mitch Hedberg. I still do. I mean, the look, the everything, every single thing. The delivery, the joke style. Are you a superfan of his? No, my favorite section of the show The look, the everything, every single thing. The delivery, the joke style.

Are you a super fan of his? No, my favorite's actually Dmitri Martin. Dmitri Martin, now I know you're kidding. That's literally nobody's favorite. I just love the way he rips the paper off the pippin. Gegan, who are you in real life? What do you really like? I'll just...

I'll just couple of beers in the park and read a book, man. I... Uh, how long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Um, a little over two years. And has it always been like this? You from Seattle, Portland? Where you from? No, I'm from Illinois. Illinois. Okay. Okay. What do you do for work?

Um, I door dash on an E-bike. You what? I door dash on an E-bike. Door dash on an E-bike. I hate? DoorDash on an e-bike. DoorDash on an e-bike. I hate it when my deliveries are on e-bikes. Yeah. It's always smooshed around and fucked up. But believe me, nobody understands that better than me.

Yeah, Duncan Trussell. Uh-huh. It is funny, like your spirit definitely lives on through him, not quite as powerful obviously as the late, great, super amazing Mitch Hedberg. But I mean, you do kind of got it down. You wrote those jokes? Yeah. Right. Yeah, no, I know.

Duncan? I was just gonna say, it's too bad that they don't need Mitch Hedberg impersonators at Kibb's parties because... I'm sorry. It was funny like 20 seconds ago. So every time you do a show, anywhere you go, every time you do stand up, all the other comedians are like, God, this fucking guy is doing a Mitch Hedberg impression, right? Um, some people wait outside the club to, like, fuck, they say shit to me.

Yeah. Have you seen Mitch Hedberg's stand-up? Yeah, it kind of freaks me out. I don't know. How old are you? 31. 31. So when's the first time you saw Mitch Hedberg's stand-up?

Were you a big fan of his at one point? Oh, at one point? Oh, I mean, dude, I was Demetri Martin. What's going on? Again, I hear you. That's funny and all, but seriously. But seriously, we're all like witnessing, like, it is like a Mitch Hedberg impression. Did you always talk like this?

Is this how you talk in real life? Yeah, Tony, I don't know what to tell you, man. OK. Can you do a Christopher walking impression? Christopher, um, what the fuck? I don't watch movies, man. Keegan, most interesting thing about your life, tell us. What would we be intrigued to find out about you?

31 years of experience at being Keegan Carmichael, tell us. I have a cast iron pan. Do the other part, go ahead. Oh no, yeah, it's cool because you got to take care of it. You have a cast iron pan, you have a cash-down and a pan, you have a responsibility, you know? Like...like... Like, um...

You know? Yeah. Like... Like... Like... Like, a lot of girls now, they're dog moms, you know? Not me. Like, I'm the girls now, they're dog moms, but you know, not me. Like, I'm the father to a pan.

I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan.

I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. I'm the father to a pan. Tell us something else interesting about you. Um... Well, uh, dude, door dashing on the bike,

that's fucked, that's a fucked up world. Um... Uh... Um, I have troubles sometimes because I fall a lot. Like, like, I don't like the Texas cheerleaders. Um, because I was going really fast and they were on the sidewalk.

And so I fell into the ditch. And I'm laying on the ground, and she looks over at me, and she's like, is your bike okay? I'm like, no. And then, like, the Lime Scooters, they're on the way, too. You know, to me, a Texas cheerleader is like a lime scooter.

I'd probably have to pay to ride you, but I just prefer you get out the way. I know. Keegan, fun times. Here's a little joke book, my friend. There he goes. Ke you get Carmichael? It's kind of like blasphemous what he's doing. It's awful. He has good jokes. He could just do them different, like his own self.

And so he's like literally acting right now. Yeah, and looking like him is kind of crazy too. Anyway, we have any sage? Can we sage the room? Yeah. Never really sage. Never sage the Kill Tony stage before, but that one kind of creeped me out.

Yeah. All right, you guys good? Everybody good? This guy's leaving. He's seen enough. This guy's pissed. This guy's pissed off. Make some noise for your next bucket poll, ladies and gentlemen.

It's Mike Gleason, everyone. Mike Gleason. How's it going? Uh, a lot of my friends say that I'm really hard to get gifts for. I don't think it's that hard to hop online and Google things to get for people with yellow teeth. That was an incredibly fake smile. Sorry about that.

I'm from Chicago. I'm in the dating scene here, which is pretty good. Took a check out the other day, which is awesome. Opened up a bar, got a from Chicago, I'm in the dating scene here, which is pretty good. Took a chick out the other day, which is awesome. Opened up the car door for her, and she's like, look at this, chivalry's not that.

I'm like, easy bitch, my door sticks, I gotta climb in first, all right? All right? All right? All right? Chivalry, I don't know if you're cold, the window works just fine. But that's awesome.

Uh, really big fan of these Venmo, uh, these Waymo's out here you guys got. They're pretty cool. Uh, brings back the childhood in me. I used to throw snowballs at cars, which is pretty fun. Uh, but now I feel like you could just throw anything at these things, and you're feeding all these, like, vegans that are, like, hanging out in the streets doing yoga poses and stuff.

Whoo! All right, that's it. Okay, Mike Gleason. Fuck yeah. All right. Welcome, Mike. How long you been on stand-up? Uh, it's kind of weird. I started in, like, 2001, and then I kind of quit, and I really liked the show,

so I kind of moved out here and kind of restarted. Nice. How long ago did you move to Austin? Uh, on Easter, 420. 420. Perfect. I really like the show, so I kind of moved out here and kind of restarted it. How long ago did you move to Austin? On Easter, 420. 420, perfect. Fuck yeah, dude. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. What do you do for work?

I haven't found a job yet. Okay, what's your plan? What are you good at? Stealing catalytic converters. No. Where are you from? Where were you at before? Chicago.

Construction. Chicago. Construction. This is what construction guys look like in Chicago? I guess, yeah. OK. Have you looked for a job in construction here? I have, yeah.

How's it going? Not bad. I kind of actually turned down a few jobs. It was weird, but I just wasn't catching a vibe. I don't know. Okay. How much money do you have saved up? Uh, quite a bit. Like what? Uh, a lot that I don't want, like,

my poor friends to reach out to me. Okay. I mean, do you really need a number? Uh, it's not a lot anymore, but it was enough to get me out here. I'm doing the Hans Kim thing, living in a trailer. Nice. Nice. You have a bed in it? Yeah.

Like a little bed? I got a purple bed. Nice. Look at that. Very good. You're doing good. You're doing good. Okay. So what do you do for fun, Mike, when you're not doing stand-up? I like to frisbee golf.

People watch is a huge thing for me. Yeah, people watching is fun again. Fentanyl's out. Trump stopped Fentanyl. Crack is back. People watching is more exciting than ever. There was nothing fun about that Fentanyl phase that we went through under the Biden administration. And now crack is back thanks to the reigning,

defending President of the United States, Donald Trump. And 300 people just shut the show off right then. I don't know if you guys heard that, but that's what they do because they literally can't hear that without losing their mentally ill minds. Mike Gleason, tell us what the most interesting thing about your entire life is. It's our first time meeting you. I can't hear that without losing their mentally ill minds. Mike Gleason, tell us what the most interesting thing about your entire life is.

It's our first time meeting you, might as well spill the beans. I'm an overshare. I like to overshare. Why don't you start right now then? Ha ha ha ha. Pfft. Yeah, all right.

Fuck it. How I got my money, I worked for Tesla and got the shit kicked out of me, uh, for actually being the only one there who knew how to do shit. Uh, they, like, hired everybody out. Like, I...dude, I mean...

I would not buy a Tesla or any of their products. They're horse shit. I know, sorry. Oh, wow. You don't want to hear that, but... Engineer shit or what kind of shit? for any of their products, their horse shit. I know, sorry. Wow. You don't want to hear that, but. Engineer shit, or what kind of shit? Dude, it was like, I was the only roofer there, and there was not a pitchfork in sight,

and I was like, what's going on? You were a roofer? Yeah, solar roof, I did. Okay, solar roof. And like, everybody was in tests. Are you at my house? No, but do you know what I'm talking about, or do you ever know about it?

Yeah, he has a solar roof, he makes money off of it. Yeah, I sell it back. But yeah, I could tell what you're, I know what I'm talking about? Or do you ever know about that? Yeah, he has a solar roof. He makes money off of it. Yeah, I sell it back. But yeah, I could tell what you're, I know what you're talking about. Yeah, it's like that. We were doing jobs and they were like, they didn't like check out where the sun went. And then we put it on and there was like a huge house

behind it and it's blocking all the sun. So we went back like eight times and they're like, yeah, no, it's definitely the install. And I'm like, no, it's the guy who designed it. Like there's a huge house blocking the sun. Okay. Yeah, so... So I got a lot of money from him,

because there was a dude there who also did cedar shake roof. Beat the ever-living shit out of me. Like, I was with my hands up, like, I'm 40 years old. I like this job. I don't want to lose it, you know? Did he beat you up? He beat the crap out of me. Like, punched you in the face,

kicked you in the ribs, the whole thing? The whole thing. Dude, he took my helmet off and smashed it off. Like, if you get my phone, I think I have my... Like you could read what, like, Tesla sent me everything that all the dudes wrote, and it was hilarious. Like they're like, he was a f*** in a pussy and all this shit.

And then he, they slammed the helmet off of my head. Like, everything that this guy said. He kept saying solar panels need sun. I didn't! Well, I was getting suggestions of getting shut down all the time. And they beat the shit out of you. No, one guy did.

Right. So... But you made a bunch of money because of that? Well, I... I fucked up my hand in the fall, and then like, I don't know, the chick who did the surgery like left some metal in there. I was like Wolverine for a little bit, and then they took three bones out. So like, the settlement, I got a hefty chunk of change.

A hefty chunk of change. How much? Again, just saying. Can I tell you how much is left? Yeah. It's probably funnier. Sure. Like 20 bucks. Okay.

Oh, shit. Uh, I'm buying leather jackets. It's in the middle of the summer. Like, I'm not spending well. Wow. You had a female surgeon? Yeah. And she left a medal in your hand? She was pregnant, too.

Pregnant chicks hate me. Sorry to interrupt you. Why do pregnant chicks hate you? I don't know. They just smell my, like... singleness and never settle down. I don't know. They just hate me. All right. Pregnant chicks hate me. My co-workers hate me.

The sun hates me. Pfft. You ever think it might be you, Mike? The sun hates me! Pfft! Ha ha ha! Ha ha ha! You ever think it might be you, Mike? Could be, yes. Could be. Alright. Uh, any crazy accomplishments?

You ever win a trophy for anything? Uh... Yeah, I used to be a good swimmer. Oh. First place, f***ing work. Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. Fun times, Mike. Sign up again.

We'll see you again. Mike Gleason, everybody. Oh, shit. Oh, that's his fucked-up hand. He really does have a fucked-up hand. I saw the book bounce off of it. Right off the steel plate. One more time for Mike Gleason, everybody. All right.

We're coming around the corner here. Make some noise for your next bucket pool. We're going to keep it moving along. It's Derek Spadey, everybody. Derek Spadey. I recently dated a girl with an ego so big that she would yell out her own name in bed. It used to mess with me because it wasn't a very feminine name, like who names their daughter rape?

Let's get to some personal stuff. All right, when I was six years old, I told my parents I figured out that I was adopted. My mom was like, who told you? I was like, who told me? My sister's Asian. What am I, one of the slow kids? Even at age six, you know two whites don't make a wong. And then after the divorce, they just, like, gave up on parenting, like,

I don't know how to do anything right. I kill so many houseplants, I call my home plant Parenthood. If it hasn't been three months and I don't like the name, I'm yanking it out of that pot. Speaking of which, my girlfriend thinks I don't want plants because she caught me throwing seeds away in the shower one time.

This isn't true. I love plants. I want plants very much, and I would love my plants no matter what, even if they turn out to be transplants. All right, you guys have been great. I appreciate you. Derrick Spadey. Hi, Derrick. You've been on this show before? No, not before. Okay. You just. Hi. You've been on this show before?

No, not before. Okay. You just look like everybody that's been on this show before. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been doing stand-up? About five years. Five years. You from here? No, I'm from Portland, Oregon. Portland, Oregon.

Okay, there it is. I felt Portland energies earlier, and this is why I felt it, because you were coming up. Um, okay. How long have you lived here? Uh, so I'm here I felt it, because you were coming up. Okay, how long have you lived here? So I'm here for about a month just doing standup. I got an Airbnb. Nice, just visiting.

Is this your first week signing up? Yeah. Look at you, you lucky fuck. I know. Amazing. Odds were one in 300, and you nailed it. Are you often lucky in life? No.

Right. What do you do for work? So I worked at a Kroger for the last five years, and now I'm just taking time off because I saved money. What a second Kroger shout out this episode. Absolutely incredible. It's almost as good as HEB. When I got down here, I was pretty blown away

with how good it was. You be careful. You be careful what you say. We were raised around Kroger's. We know Kroger's. Kroger's not really that close to HEB. Have you been to an HEB since being here? Yeah.

What, one? Three. Three? Yeah. And what types of things did you get an HEB since being here? Yeah. What, one? Three. Three? Yeah. And what types of things did you get from HEB? The produce is better than the produce I've had in Oregon, which you wouldn't expect. No doubt.

It's out of this world. Did you try anything from the deli meats, perhaps? No, not yet. Did you try any of the prepared things, like the fully stuffed jalapeno pepper? No. Tortillas? No. Nothing at all?

Well, that's where you will find that there is complete, complete, whole different universe. Un-Kroger-like materials at H-E-B. The more you try it, the more you take chances, you will find... To be fair... H-E-B reigns supreme. Around here, we like to say, are you down with H-E-B?

Yeah, you know me. Nobody's ever said that before, but I said it right now. Well, in the Pacific Northwest, the Krogers are Fred Meyers. It's not exactly the same as the Kroger's where you're from, so that's probably a different thing you're seeing. Okay. Okay. Well, you got the crowd riled up right now.

One thing you don't want to do is an anti-HEB rant in this room. You're gonna need Hans's Bulletproof vest. You keep it up. What do you do for work? So, like I said, I worked at Kroger's, and then now I'm not. What were you doing there? Stocking shelves? No, I managed one of the departments,

the Hobbit department. What department? It's like the cosmetics, the shampoo, all that kind of stuff. Ew, bow, boo, loo, doo, boo, moo. Worst part of a grocery store. No doubt about it. I hope you guys never stop talking about grocery stores.

Well, I'll tell ya. I've heard of Myers. You don't like grocery store talk, Duncan? You have a whole family? No, I love it! Everyone loves it! Everyone loves grocery store talk! What's your favorite aisle? Look at you two fucking grocery store hating-ass guests I have here tonight. What's your favorite aisle? Yeah.

Look at you two fucking grocery store hatin' ass guests I have here tonight. I hate them. I hate H-E-B. I hate it. Duncan? Oh, yeah. Duncan.

Fuck H-E-B. Worst grocery store ever. Act me. Act me. All right. For those of you just listening to the podcast, Ian and Duncan were brutally shot... live in the room. Luckily, it was by Chris Celio and Dee Madness,

who hit the ceiling multiple times, and Duncan and Ian ran out of the room. All right. Derek, most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened or that you've ever done that we would find compelling here, ran out of the room. All right. Derek, most interesting thing about your life that's ever happened or that you've ever done that we would find compelling here, the millions and millions of people watching right now?

I've won a couple film festivals for Claymations. Ooh. Wow, Claymation. What types of things were you making out of clay? So I do, like, a tavern that has, like, mobsters and monsters, and I had a bunch of little short sketches that did okay. Very nice. Where can we find this work at? Uh, for YouTube, Bad Banana Studios or Bad Banana Clay's Tavern. It should pop up. It's been a while since I've posted stuff, but...

Bad Banana Studios. Bad Banana. Straight to Fat Banana. Very interesting. Very interesting how you spell banana. Banana, according to Red Band, is B-A-N-N-A-N-N-A. For those of you that have your how-retarded-is-Red Band bingo card out, that is four N's in the word banana, ladies and gentlemen.

This is who I've worked with side by side every Monday for 12 years, and I have never once shot myself in the head. Anyway, very cool. You must get all the claymation, pussy. How's that going for you? I mean, it's so time-consuming. You basically spend all your day in a room.

I do have a girlfriend, though, so... Nice. What does she do? She also works at a cribber. Yeah, what does she... If She also works at a Kroger. Yeah. What is she? God damn it. If you work in the cosmetics aisle, I must know what section of the grocery store does your girlfriend work in?

She took over for me when I left. Wow. So she's in cosmetics. Is she still in Portland? Yes. So you're here and she's in Portland, but it's only for a month? Yeah.

Wow. Incredible. What do you miss most about her? Well, so Oregon is. So you're here and she's in Portland, but it's only for a month. Yeah. Wow incredible What do you miss most about her? Well, so her pussy hole right the answer. No, I'm kidding Go ahead No, no, it's so weird cuz it's like a professional job Right Colbert's out there getting fired and meanwhile, I'm like, what do you like, your pussy hole?

And I'm like thriving. It's crazy, right? Doesn't make any sense. He is... He is... He is... He is... He is...

He is... He is... He is... Go ahead. She's really funny. For instance, the other day after we had sex, I was like, man, we should figure out some more activities. I'd love to do some art together.

And she goes, I thought we just made art. Pretty funny. Guess you had to be there. Uh, okay. You had a good set, right? We like Derek. Yeah, it was all right. Here's a big joke book, Derek Spadey. Congratulations. You were on Keltoni.

You're here for another month. Sign up again. Congratulations. There he goes. Make some noise for Derek, everyone. And your final bucket full of the night. Ooh la la. Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage

and the new Rogers Stadium with Go Transit. Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fairs, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday, anywhere along the Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five. Buy your online Go Pass ahead of the show at Gotransit.com slash tickets. Make some noise for Trent Richards, everybody. Trent Richards. So my wife, she's been telling me for a while that I need to watch this Gypsy Rose documentary.

And so eventually I finally caved in. I watched it. If you don't know Gypsy, she suffered from munch housing by proxy. Her mom, she fabricated a bunch of diseases for her and pretty much kept her imprisoned in her own home. Didn't let her go anywhere. So, eventually, Gypsy got tired of it. She went online, she got a little retarded boyfriend,

and, well, they both ended up going to prison because he stabbed her mom to death to set her free. That story was so crazy to me, it blew my mind, because it had me sitting there thinking, 34 years, what doesn't much housing about proxy mean eating pussy from the back? ["The Last Supper"] ["The Last Supper"]

["The Last Supper"] Huh? Whoo! That's my time. ["The Last Supper"] Okay, Trent Richards, a 55-6. Huh? Woo! That's my time. Pfft. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay, Trent Richards, a 55 second long setup

from one punch line. Hell yeah. Eating pussy from the back. All that information for one little fucking dink. Dink. Okay, how long you been doing stand up, Trent? Two years. Two years, where at? Fort Worth. Thank you. Okay. How long you been doing stand-up, Trent? Two years. Two years.

Where at? Fort Worth. Fort Worth. Would you consider that joke your best joke? Or was that something you're like working on recently or? No, I've been working on it. I have more jokes, but... The documentary came out eight years ago.

Yeah, I know. And all that information you give, it's all just for the eating pussy from the backside thing. The payoff is there. Literally, I looked. It was 55 seconds. You hit the landing at 50 seconds. Duncan Trussell. I was actually very absorbed into your setup. I mean that.

Something about you, I don't know, it caught my attention. It's like watching a southern one-person show. Like a really sad one-person show. You know what I mean? He's an actor. Like, you really, like, if there was some nice... Like, if he redid that in Red Band, you played, like, the Civil War soundtrack.

That's a good idea. I actually like this idea. Look up some, uh... No, watch. Just watch. Don't even do the punchline. Actually, why don't we have the band play some? You guys have, like, any... Is there a way to do generic, like, Civil War music? Like, uh... But you have to do it like,

my dear Gypsy Rose. Nice and easy, nice and easy. Ladies and gentlemen, here he is. Do it again. Trent Richards. So, my wife... She's... She's been telling me for many years now that there's this Gypsy Rose documentary

and that I might just need to sit my white ass on down and give it a view. And so I did. I thought about it. And after some mighty long viewership. All right, I'm going to stop you there. That was fantastic. Trent, what do you do for work? Deliver groceries.

Whoa! What the fuck! Here we go. Billion dollar question coming at you. Billion dollar question coming at you. What kind of groceries do you deliver? H-E-B. Yeah! Yeah!

Yeah! Fuck you, Duncan! Fuck you, Duncan! Fuck you, Duncan! Fuck H-E-B! Fuck you, Duncan! Fuck you! Son of a bitch.

HEB sucks. Whoa. Whoa. Still hurts every goddamn time. Wow. Them there fighting words, Duncan. How long you been delivering HEB? Since I moved to Austin, so about five months.

Okay. What's your favorite thing about delivering HEB? The rich people in Westlake. You're goddamn right. Big tippers, right? You're goddamn right. Hell yeah. Absolute fucking loot. The booming economy here in Texas.

You gotta love it. Craziest order situation that you've ever had. Any odd moments delivering groceries you ever get out in Westlake and you end up in one of those gated communities and fucking shit gets a little weird, some dude answers the robe with his fat throbbing hard cock hanging out of his robe or something like that? Nah, I had a tranny open the door one time with no clothes on.

Wow, that's exactly the type of answer I was looking for. Not in Westlake. Yeah, it was a gift. So what did you see exactly? the type of answer I was looking for. Not in Westlake. Yeah, it was a gift. So what did you see exactly? What type of, what type of, what type of junk was there? What'd you see? A dick?

So it was like a woman with a dick? Well, if you call it that, but it had a dick. Wow. Amazing. What was the address? Amazing. I thought you said you deliver H-E-B, not H-I-V. That's incredible. All right, Trent. Well, fun times. We got through it, that's for sure.

Here's a little joke book. Sign up again and do a different bit next time. Munchausen by proxy, 55 seconds set up for one. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time.

And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little bit of a fun time. And then we'll have a little joke book. Sign up again and do a different bit next time.

Munchausen by proxy, 55 seconds set up for one. Eating pussy from the back punchline. Gets you a little joke book. All right, final bucket poll of the night. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Mars Martian, everybody, Mars Martian. Okay. Yeah. Yeah, ha-ka-doo-doo, magas.

Yeah. I don't know, I'm feeling cute. I might come later. Yeah. Yeah, with a fistful of cocoa butter. Yeah. In the mirror. All right. I don't know, guys.

Anybody ever break a long no-fap streak by beating every side of your dick raw? I have a question for the ladies. Heh. I spent the 22 days no-fap just so I can Indian burn all the cum out of my body for 45 minutes. I don't know if I'm doing it right but I defeated no fap. I don't know.

Looked like I beat my dick for three and a half miles. I got fucking dick splints. I don't know, it's like I was running a cum gauntlet. Ladies don't know what I'm talking about, but every lady... Uh... Poof, poof, poof, poof, poof. Somehow the most racist moment of the show.

A noise by Red Band playing the Jungle Bird for Mars Martian. That sound is called Jungle Bird before you think I'm dropping a slur. The button is called Jungle Bird. Hi Mars Martian. You did it again. You've been on the show a few times before. It's always pretty much an absolute embarrassing bombfest.

And yet you've done it again, chuckling your way through a set about completely jerking off. Ian Fydance, our senior jerk-off correspondent. You were... Thank you, Tony. Most of your set was talking about no fat, but most of it made me no laugh. Yeah.

Ha! Ha! I was talking about no fat, but most of it made me no laugh. Yeah. Yeah. Mars, remind us, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Twenty-five months? Two years. Two years plus. Okay. And what do you do for work? Oh, God damn it.

I spend a lot of money financing my comedy career. Uh-huh. How do you make the money? No, it was savings. No, now I just do a lot of art stuff. I'm just constantly out here with my camera. I got a studio at the house. I'm just playing. I'm just playing make-believe.

Okay. And where is your brother Diddy Kong right now? Tsk. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha. Ha.

New most racist moment of the show. The crown weighs heavy for Ian Fy-dance with the absolute Donkey Kong reference out of nowhere. What's the most racist thing anybody's ever said to you, Mars Martian? Pfft. There's not... No. Okay.

No. I mean, there's just so many things. There's an array of things I've been called throughout my existence, you know what I mean? Ah, yeah. You call me something right now. What you got? Oh, I know what I mean? Ah, yeah. You call me something right now, what you got? Oh, I know what I wanna call you right now. A Waymo home, am I right?

All right, Mars, get outta here. There he goes, Mars Martian, ladies and gentlemen. Completely unbearable. 100% unbearable. Anybody whose first response to every question is, can burn in hell. It's all cruise control from this point, ladies and gentlemen. Let's face it, an unbelievable episode. It all started with the youthful young legend Heath Cortez.

Who can forget the stylings of Tony Pepperoni? We flew through Ian Simon's annoying set, Mark Fitz, the rebel out of Pittsburgh, the curly-toed bandit. Jimmy Cope-Terros, Hans Kim was with us. The golden ticket was won by Chris Celio tonight. It was an unbelievable performance. We literally had a sociopathic young Mitch Hedberg pretending like he didn't know that he was doing a Mitch Hedberg

impression. Mike Gleason, Derek Spadey, Trent Ritz, and Mars Martian, which means, if I can say, there's only one way to end an episode like this. This man, some people say, is Jesus Christ's favorite comedian. He recently performed at the Roman Coliseum to a sold-out crowd at three in the morning. Some people call him the Vanilla Gorilla. The Memphis Strangler.

The Talkspace Tycoon. The Opus of Open Phone. The Tyrant of Tacovas. This is the Big Red Machine. William Montgomery! Yeah! Whoo! So they announced there was no Epstein list,

and for some reason, Red Band started crying tears of joy and screaming, free at last! Free at last! Thank God Almighty, we free at last! A woman from Thailand filmed herself having sex with a bunch of Buddhist monks over a three-year period and the blackmailed millions of dollars out of them to keep quiet about it. Bangkok, indeed.

Hey, Red Band, remember that boy band 98 Degrees? Uh, Bangkok, indeed. Yeah. Hey, Red Band, remember that boy band, 98 Degrees? Yeah, that's 98 more degrees than your dumbass ever got in college. Yeah. Fucking idiot. Y'all ever heard of the band Yes? Well, the band Yes is coming to town, and I saw a recent photo of them, and, um,

that'll be a no. Okay, that's my time. Unbelievable. The man who has done it more than anyone. More minutes, more interviews. The talk space tycoon, the opus of open phone, and the tyrant of Tacovas, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler, the big red machine,

William Montgomery has done it again. Wow. Very impressive. Two deep red band references. 98 degrees. I haven't heard about them in a while. Is that true? Yeah, because you have what? Zero degrees, right? So it works, right?

Didn't you get a degree? Did you drop out? I'm like two math classes away, but yeah. Wow, but yeah, I think you dropped out or something. No, I got hired because I was the only one that knew how to make websites back in 96. That sounds made up. That sounds stupid.

What? So that's why you failed out of college, you idiot, because you only knew how to do websites? I don't even know what that means. But Tony, it's really nice to be here. So fun, the dynamic between you two, I must say. Uh, William, so much fun. How are you doing? I'm doing wonderful, and Tony, I went with Tony and David and Ari

to Canada this past weekend. And it was wonderful. It felt like old times. It was great. Tony was so sweet. He let me stay on his couch. So I didn't have to get a $500 hotel room. I really did.

So a little fun fact. And again, I love the behind the scenes on this episode. He was going to share a room with Hans. I may have mentioned many times that both Hans and William are shockingly cheap. You're a shater room. I only had to bid my wines 40 bucks. That's not bad for a hotel up there. Wait, what? Only had to, it was going to cost me $40 to stay with Hans. Yeah, that's crazy. Why, I mean, why?

You're a grown adult, man. Again, the amount of money you guys are making is criminally insane to not buy your own hotel room. But a fun fact is that since we found out that Hans forgot his passport in Denver, Williams started panicking when we got picked up in Canada. Oh man, I don't even have a room. I'm like, what do you mean you don't have a room?

He's like, I was gonna share a room with Hans and it was under Hans's name. I don't know what to do, Tony. You know, the whole thing. And then you let me stay on your couch. I thank you for that. And I did. I got to hear you breathe at one point

in the middle of the night. I could hear him breathing. It wasn't a snore. It was more like an open mouth, like, ah. breathing it wasn't a snore it was more like an open mouth like it was actually quite nice it helped me fall back asleep I'm like oh it's a sweet noise white noise yeah it was it was like it was like white supremacy noise so yes we had a lot of fun big fun gig in Edmonton, Canada.

What stood out to you, William? Perfect. So, what else is going on in your life, William? What have you been doing to pass the time lately? You always have fun hobbies. Still just rowing. I'm up to 874 miles since January. I cannot stop doing that. I'm getting faster. I'm getting stronger. I'm getting more confident on the erg. It's a lot of fun. I see Michael Gonzalez in there all the time.

And I also saw our man over here. Which one? Who's really Jack. You don't remember his name, do you? Do you not know the guitarist's name? John? He's been, are you talking about John B's or Matt Mueling? Yeah, John. John?

No, but I was talking about Matt. Oh, there you go. All right. Why'd you try to make that awkward? I knew your name, Matt. I knew your name. Plus they stole my thunder. You told them I was really jacked

and we just breezed right over. Let's see, how jacked are you? Let's see a quick flex, Matt stole my thunder. You told him I was really jacked, and we just breezed right over him. Let's see. How jacked are you? Let's see a quick flex, Matt Mueling. Whoa! Wow! Wow. Matt muscles Mueling over here. Absolutely.

Tony, I knew Matt's name, dude! You definitely. The record will show. That's awesome, Matt, I knew your name. I know you know my name. Okay, okay. We're good. It definitely seemed like you didn't know his name. I gotta let you know, like you may have known his name,

but it seemed like you didn't know his name. Why don't you name everybody up here real quick? Why don't we go from this side, this side down? We're gonna start over here. So go ahead, the guy's name that you knew was? Matt Mueling. And this is, this side down. We're gonna start over here. So go ahead, the guy's name that you knew was. Matt Mueling. And this is?

John Deans. And this of course is. And we got D Madness. And we know that you know. Dude, we got Michael Gonzalez. Yep, and welcome to the hard part. Here we go. Yeah!

Yeah! Yeah! Yeah! Got my man, Carlos. You know his last name? What is your last name, Carlos? Well, you can't ask. Okay, okay.

Um, and I love both of y'all, but I can't think of y'all's names. Seriously, it's nothing personal. I swear to God. Fur, fur. What are y'all's names? Fur. Fernando.

Okay, there's some definite cheating going on over there. Just heard the whole name being said. And Raul. Ooh, very good. Wow. Absolutely incredible. Awkward. Good job.

Little fun fact, William started sweating, physically sweating during that part, not during the set. I knew when I got down over there I was fucked. Yeah. I knew I was fucked. Even though I'm always nice, it's always so sweet to see y'all. It's not always nice to see y'all. I can just bat at names and stuff.

Yeah, it's okay. We see how you feel about the Latinos. Very good. Very much fun. What else is going on, William? Oh, my gosh. Tony, I was in Toledo last Saturday, and I get picked up,

and the flights are all fucked up on Saturday, and then I get picked up by Lyft, and it's an hour drive from the Detroit airport to the Comedy Club, and about five minutes into it, the guy starts doing the Comedy Club, and about five minutes into it, the guy starts doing this little cough, and I start thinking, oh my gosh, this guy's sick, but I don't think too much of it,

and I'm just generally stressed, and about 20 minutes later, I'm looking at the guy, and his head is bobbing down like he's falling asleep. Oh my God. And about 10 minutes after that, we're right beside an 18-wheeler, and I see the guy's head going down, and I see my eyes flash before my eyes,

and I'm like, oh my gosh, well hopefully you can take a nap after this. It looks like you're sleepy. He's like, yeah, I've been doing it since 4 a.m., so I'm tired, but I made it. Wow. Holy shit. Wow.

Pfft. Yeah. If you would have crashed in that situation and died... What would you have thought? What would you have... What would have been your first words? Um... To Jesus up at the gate? Yes, when you got to heaven. Tell us. What would have been?

Lord, you knew I believed in your ass. I prayed to you every night. I was pretty sure I was gonna go to heaven, but I was a little worried just because of things that I do in my life. I'm generally pretty good, but I do see kind of weird stuff. Look up at the light. You're talking to God.

Uh, but thank you so much, Jesus, again. You heard my prayers every night. You helped me out. I'm so happy to be here. Let's go in. Show me around. Let me see where I'm living. I got to... Hopefully it's a cool spot or whatever, but, uh, thanks so much.

So happy to be here. Keep... Whoo! Oh. I was gonna be God, but let's just skip ahead. Uh... And Duncan, I'm with you, dude. I can't fucking stand H-E-B.

I never... Thank you! I'm gonna rangle with you! Oh, yeah! Wait, wait, wait, wait. Wait a second. Hold on, I'm getting word, I'm getting word that if you would have crashed, you actually would have ended up in hell.

So, yeah, yeah. No! So go back to the light, and now you're burning in hell, but Jesus is like, hey, do you want to, ha ha ha. The red spot. How about a hand for Keno back there on the lights? We've never even seen a red spotlight before.

Didn't know it was possible. Okay, now you have to negotiate. You're begging the devil to let you out. No, it's the devil now. You're trying to convince the devil that you want to get out of hell. Devil, here's the deal. I grew up going to church.

I'm confirmed in the Episcopal Church. I prayed every night. You can ask Jesus about it. I talked to his ass every night. This is a horrible mistake. I get it. Your actions are louder than your words. And that's always what I was worried about,

because I'd pray a lot, but then I'd think, uh-oh, you're doing this bad stuff on the side. Jesus can see everything. And so here I am, and I'm just saying, this is a giant mistake. Please get me up out of here. I need to get out of here now. I'm not staying here.

Unfortunately, when you were on Earth, you talked shit about H-E-B. So you must stay here and burn forever. Ah! So you must stay here and burn forever. I'm gonna burn your face. Ah! Ha ha ha. If you did find out that you were going to eternally burn in hell, would you ever stop trying to beg your way?

I don't think I'd ever stop trying to get there! William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, has done it again. Talkspace Open Phone, the tyrant of Tacovas. DuncanTrustle.com. He's going everywhere. Columbus, Orlando. Make some noise for our guests.

Ian Fyodance is on tour. IanFyodance.com. And IanFyodanceComedy on YouTube. Hefyodance.com and Ian Fyodance comedy on YouTube. He's going to Chicago, Irvine, Oxnard. He's iAnimal69. Again, one more time for Duncan Trussell as well. Talkspace Open, Votokovas. The drawing from Ryan J. Ebell is in

and it is absolutely unbelievable. Just a reminder, the band's playing New York City Blue Note right after the Madison Square Garden shows, August 18th on that Monday night. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, Timmy, no breaks. After only two appearances has left such a mark on the show that Chris is already drawing him.

Incredible. I'm at Madison Square Garden, August 15th, right the night before we do Kill Tony at Madison Square Garden. Columbus,th. Read the night before we do Kill Tony. At Madison Square Garden, Columbus, August 29th, Baltimore, September 12th, Fort Lauderdale, September 19th, Raleigh, September 20th, and Phoenix, September 27th. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land?

Right, Dan? Check out the Sunset Strip ATX.com secret show every Thursday. We love you all. Thank you so much, everybody. Thank you. Thank you so much. Good night.

Good night. Thank you. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now open! Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday! Go to SunsetStripATX.com for tickets. Hi, I'm Heather McDonald, gossip enthusiast, podcast queen, and longtime loyalist to Amazon Prime. Between next day Prime deliveries, binge-worthy shows, and playlists that keep me company while digging into the latest gossip, Prime is my silent co-host. The truth is, Prime doesn't just support my passions, it fuels them from spontaneous

curiosities to full-blown obsessions. It's got my back. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.ca slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into. This is Trixie Mattel, co-host of The Bald and the Beautiful podcast, Drag Queen, and Amazon Prime enthusiast. And I'm Katya, interpretive dancer, chaos agent, and someone who orders from Amazon Prime more often than I check my email. That's true.

Yeah. Prime gives us fast delivery that makes unpacking almost glamorous, endless streaming of our favorite shows, which we call research, and music playlists that are both chaotic and calming. Prime isn't just convenient, it's a gateway to trying new things. It helps us discover new obsessions and dive deeper into old ones. From one day delivery to top shows to music, whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.ca slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into.