KILL TONY - #731 - MATT MCCUSKER + SHANE GILLIS

Episode Date: August 12, 2025

Shane Gillis, Matt McCusker, Ari Matti, Kam Patterson, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 07/28/2025 Get $80 off your first month with promo code SPACE80 at https://talkspace.com/TONY OpenPhone is offering our listeners 20% off of your first 6 months at https://openphone.com/killtony Right now get 10% off at https://tecovas.com/killtony when you sign up for email and texts. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killedon. Tony. Hey, this is Grandin. Coming to you live for the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new

episode of Kill Tony. Give it up for Tony Hitchclare! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yepy! Yippee! Woo! Oh! Oh!

Hell ya! Make some noise for Red Band, everybody! Black Time! Keep it going for the best damn band in the land. This is Kill Tony, brought you by Express. Express VPN, Carlos Sosa, Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, nachos Belgronde, Michael Gonzalez, sweating bullets, Big Mike on the drums, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar,

John B's on the keys, and that is Dee Madness, live in the flesh, ladies and gentlemen. In absolute scorcher, we're sitting here at 81.1 degrees Fahrenheit, 71% humidity, the AC guy is here. Here, make some noise for the AC guys. Texas, late in July. Welcome, welcome. Holy shit.

ACs be breaking. This is a real live show. Anything can happen. Happens everywhere. Doesn't matter how much money Spotify gives you. ACs be breaking in Texas. A good old stress test here today. You see people fanning themselves.

There's a Latino. woman with an actual portable fan. I don't know how she snuck that in here. They lock up phones, but I guess you're allowed to shove a portable fan up your puss. Anything can happen here. As you could tell, this is an action-packed episode before we get started. He was a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hi, I'm Heather McDonald, gossip enthusiast, podcast queen, and longtime loyalist to Amazon Prime. Between next day prime deliveries, binge-worthy shows, list that keep me company while digging into the latest gossip, Prime is my silent co-hosts. The truth is, Prime doesn't just support my passions. It fuels them from spontaneous curiosities

to full-blown obsessions. It's got my back. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.com.ca slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into. This is Trixie Mattel, co-host of The Bald and The Beautiful Podcast, Drag Queen, and Amazon Prime enthusiast. And I'm Katja, interpretive dancer, chaos agent, and someone who orders from Amazon Prime more often than I check my email. That's true. Yeah. Prime gives us fast delivery that makes unpacking almost glamorous, endless streaming of our favorite shows, which we call research, and music playlists that are both chaotic and calming. Prime isn't just convenient, it's a gateway to trying new things. It helps us discover new obsessions and dive

deeper into old ones. For one day delivery to top shows to music, whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.com. to get more out of whatever you're into. Get to Toronto's main venues like Budweiser Stage and the new Roger Stadium with Go Transit. Thanks to Go Transit's special online e-ticket fairs, a $10 one-day weekend pass offers unlimited travel on any weekend day or holiday anywhere along the Go network. And the weekday group passes offer the same weekday travel flexibility across the network, starting at $30 for two people and up to $60 for a group of five.

Buy your online go pass ahead of the show at go-transit.com slash tickets. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking show, huh? Well, well, well, you know, every single week I book the show, and I can tell you with no ego, we're really doing it, Red Band. This is one of those very special nights. You guys hit the fucking comedy lottery. You did it. You did it.

This is one of those big ones. Ladies and gentlemen, I present two of the greatest guests in this show's history. This is indeed Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. It is hot in here. Shane Gillis, Matt McCus. It's crazy how much hotter it is out here. It's, it's, uh, Mike's.

Hey, hey, hey guys. Two, three, four. It is, uh, unbelievably hot. Like, fucking blows. It is incredible. I don't want to bring it up because I know that, you know, you're thinking about it. The crazy thing is that the AC works well in some places right now. The other room, which is an open mic filled with absolutely.

bottom of the barrel peasants. They are, they're chilling, 69 degrees in there. The green room, 71 degrees, right behind that curtain. Very, very nice. It was nice right behind there and Matt, right before we went on. It's like, it's not that bad. I was like, wait until we fucking walk out. This is where God has decided the heat will lay tonight.

Matt, how you feeling down there? Pretty good. I'm thinking we can, like, alternate breathing between guys and girls every 30 seconds. We're going to have to come up with some kind of plan. The AC guy is here. I'm going to ask management, if anyone's listening, wave to me before he leaves. I want an update.

Maybe we can get the AC guy to agree to a quick appearance, live appearance. Maybe he can explain himself. Whatever we do, do not let that guy fucking leave without giving me some kind of signal. I know he was just planning on another quick stop on a 6th Street fucking dungeon-esque bar, but he might end up in front of five point.

million people real quick. Who gives the fuck? Right? Should we harass the AC guy? Anything can happen here. You guys have been guests numerous times on the show. 305 human souls signed up for tonight's show. Matt and Shane

knows what the fuck is up. The bucket gets crazy. They get 60 seconds uninterrupted. Then you know their time is up and they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear, which interrupts them. I conduct an interview. It's going to be a lot of fun watching them truly, physically sweat tonight.

They are in for the shock of their lives. I'm getting there. None of them know that the AC is broken here. So they're in a nice air-condition bar next door right now. They're going to be in the nice air-condition backstage, and they're going to walk out, and they're going to think it's them. So let's have some fun. Before we get to that first bucket pool, I have a golden ticket winner here,

ready to debut a new minute of stand-up comedy. We're going to watch them. all together, one of the greatest golden ticket winners in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your first comedian of the night. This is Martin Phillips, everybody. Holy shit.

Oh, my God. Okay, yeah, I'm growing. but I didn't have many Jewish friends, not on purpose, but I was never invited to a apartment, but I think it's too late, you know. I think people would take notice that I specifically hung out with 13-year-old Jewish boys. I say, no, I just want to party with them, you know. It's throwing a banger. But anyway, circumstations. started, because God told Abraham to do it. He also told him to kill his son, and then he took it back as the past.

So maybe he waited too long to say something. You know, he came back. He was like, oh, by the way, you don't, oh, crap, you did it. It looks great. He told everyone to do it. Oh, well, yeah, just the thing now. Okay. Martin Phillips

with a brand new minute. Acknowledging the heat up top. How does the heat affect your condition? I just sweat like a motherfucker. Anything else when it gets real hot, can you like straighten out your legs or anything? I think I just get heating childshend, I guess. So you're human other than...

Yeah, I'm a heavy sweater, so I'm definitely going to... I had a shirt up here. Okay. Heavy sweater, you're dressed for the occasion. You're one of the only people wearing shorts tonight on the crew? Well, yeah.

You'd actually like 15 minutes ago. Okay, perfect. Nobody needed to know that, but I guess that's fine. Yeah, I needed a last second opener there, Martin, and gave you the opportunity of a lifetime, but I guess you've exposed my lack of preparation in front of the world. I didn't have time.

Yeah, if he's going to toss pants on it, You got to get him like four hours. Give me time. You got to call him on fucking Friday. Brother, we're going to need pants by Monday. Me too, by the way. Oh, shit. Martin, you ever have a bad experience putting on your pants?

No, I could fit them on. You know. Oh, fuck, dude. Yeah. Yeah, I know. Fuck you, dude. Fuck you, asshole. Yeah.

Yeah, it was a buttoned up shirt. They may be, but then. I can just get the, you know, it's... It's easy. That looks smooth as hell. That was nice. Yeah. Yeah, it's better than me.

I gotta, like, lay down. Thanks that fuck. He deserves that. My joke was better, but yeah. Martin, what else has been going on? What else has been going on in your life? I don't know. I got sweat in my eye.

My glasses are fucking up. I bought a new car. Oh. Myself, yes. Wow. Not because I crashed the old one, okay? I just needed a new car. What kind of car did you get?

I get a pre-a-so. So it's official. I am gay. I guess. I want to get the same car as you have. Then I could pull up. You're like, hey, Twinsies. Hell yeah.

And then I'd have to get a Prius just to be different. And it would make sense. Because you're gay. Right. Very good. Yes, Martin. That would be, yep, that would be implied. Only two I'm gay so far in two and a half minutes.

another episode of Kill Tony might blend in with the others. That's the drinking game every time. Hell yeah. Okay. Do you drink, Martin? Oh, sometimes. Ari Maddie tells us

some crazy tales. That's not even true, do you? Ari's been saying shit. I'm like, I go to bed. Ari is one out till six a half on me. By the one time, I did get drunk with Artie and...

You got drunk? Yeah. I was drunk, yes. And it doesn't make me look any more able. It makes it worse, I think, actually. Like my hotel was like a block away. I had the Uber. I was not going to make it there.

So, yeah. Awesome. Well, Martin, you got the show started tonight. Thank you so much. A golden ticket winner, reigning, defending, Martin Phillips. Is the AC guy there, Zach? No, he's on his way down. But we do have an update incoming.

Well, hold him back there while I bring up the first bucket pool of the night. You guys know how this part works is where shit gets a little crazy. Because we're gonna meet somebody. Could be the next star of the show. Could be a fucking insane person. and make some noise for your first bucket pull of the night.

It's Daniel Shepard, everybody. Daniel Shepard. So my birthday's coming up in a few days. I think I look great for 36. The problem with that is I'm turning 26. So that fucking sucks. I've been watching this show about guinea pigs. It's pretty funny.

Interesting. It's called The Sopranos on HBO. Perhaps y'all have heard of it. Another great show is Friends, but I think an even better show is Seinfeld. Because if Seinfeld is the show about nothing, that means Friends is the show about Jennifer Anderson's nipples. I forgot to equate how they were similar.

I'm a little nervous. I just had some sushi recently. I just had some sushi recently. over in the hood at this new place called Nagiri please I ordered the Unagi what

yeah they didn't have a drive-through but they had a drive-by and last joke what do you call a black lawyer a brother-in-law all right thank you guys okay thank God you didn't do the punchline I thought was coming

there Oh, shit. Matt. I liked watching the autism bleed through and you're like, I forgot to equate that last thing to the other thing. Yeah. Straight to sushi. Yeah.

Fuck it. Sushi next. I like it. So the three shows that you've been watching recently, Sopranos, Seinfeld, and Friends. Did you just get, what, a VCR player or something? How are you just starting these three decade old shows now? He's best thing about these jokes.

8th grade. He's like I got something good. Friends is a lot like Seinfeld. I just, you know, that was kind of the point of the joke and I almost didn't include that and I autistically added it, you know. Do you remember what the correlation between the three was?

Friends is like Seinfeld without any Jews. Okay. My father wrote that joke, helped me write that joke before he died. Wow, when did he die? 25 years ago. He died 10 months ago. Okay.

Wow. How did he die? die. He had a lung condition, so he had a connective tissue disease, which paralyzed his stomach, and that drained into his lungs and destroyed his lungs. Downing with that. And then he died in my arms. He died in my arms at home one day. What? What was on the TV? It was the Roku TV in the background. Just a Roku

screen? Yeah. The Roku, like, Roku City. You died gazing into the sunset. No. Saw one last sunset, it was Roku. How long ago was this? Like 10 months ago. Oh, shit, all right.

Like, it was a... My sister's birthday was the day before. What? October 1st. October 1st. Red band. Did your sister bust into the room like Kramer? Like, whoa!

She must not have blown out all the candles. or something. She was in a big fight with my dad so she wasn't home at the time. Oh, so maybe she did buy the candles and made a nasty little wish. Oh, yeah. I don't even think she saw him

the day before, yeah. Well, that's really fucking horrendous, man. Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that for real. Yeah, what were they arguing about your sister and your father at the time of his death? The people at home want to know. My dad, my sister was,

my sister would try to attend to my dad a lot and there was some pushback with like a sick guy being told what to do. What was she trying to get him to do? Oh, just like, she's just kind of up his ass kind of person, I guess. My sister's a little bitchy. Wow.

For sure. I don't remember. I just, I tried not to really pay attention. I just saw a lot of arguing. God damn, dude, this is like really, really, really, yeah, you're really fucking bringing it. Yeah, but she feels so bad. You like Star Wars?

What's going on there? Let me guess. It was the last thing you and your fucking dad watched. Now, Star Wars rules, that's sick. The best, yeah. Yeah, Kyle Redmond could have been the best. Yeah, they ruined it. I like Ben.

Yeah. For sure. Hell yeah, man. Yeah. What do you do for work? I'm between jobs right now. Fuck. I got some life insurance from my father's death.

How much exactly did you get? Um, $70,000. $70,000. I can't believe. I would never talk about that. I don't know why I just nonchalantly said the number. No, you're fine in the silver line. You got 70 Gs.

And, yeah, it's over halfway gone. Question, did your sister get the same amount? No. Wow. Sister got cut out of the life insurance. Mostly. Wow. Poor thing.

Wow. I feel bad for her. I mean, you just called her a bitch in front of five million people a minute ago, but now she's a poor thing that you feel bad about. Yeah. Okay. It's like that. All right.

Very fun. And how much more of the 70,000 do you have left? It's been 10 months. You don't have a job. What are we at now? 25,000. 25,000. It's going fast.

It's going fast. So what's your plan? What type of job are you looking to get? I was into welding for a minute, but that's kind of, you know, laborious and hard to It's hard to juggle comedy. I've burned myself really bad here. And then I am looking into some kind of audio-video thing.

I'm really good with that. Filmmaking background and stuff. All right. Well, there you go. Daniel, well, welcome. Congratulations. You got up on the show. Thank you, guys.

Thank you so much. Daniel Shepard, everybody. There he goes. Appreciate it. Oh, here's a little joke book, Daniel. There you go. Nice catch. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm getting word

that the man that we all want to talk to is here. I present to you for the first time in the show's history. This is the AC guy. Wow. Wow. Look at the crowd going absolutely wild. This is incredible. A monumental moment in the history of Kill Tony.

Twelve years and three months. Yet we've never spoken to it. See Guy live on the show before. Sir, what is your name? My name is Dean. Dean, hell yeah. Well, hold on, hold on. The crowd is doing there.

Let's see if he actually, did you fix it? I feel it. I did, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, Dean. Wow, unbelievable. Dean, tell us about it. was the issue. Yeah, so the issue was you guys tripped the smoke alarm with your smoke machines.

Oh, it was the haze. The new upgrade to the cameras, a little bit of haze. So how do we avoid that in the future, Dean? Truthfully, if you're using smoke machines, probably not. Okay, can't do it. All right, let's reset the cameras, recalibrate the cameras to zero haze. I'm your biggest fan. There you go.

Thank you. No, I'm your show. Your show. This is awesome. So, Dean, how long have you been working in AC? About eight years. Eight years. Wow, you're very good at what you do.

I noticed that it wasn't long that you were here. You came here about five to ten minutes before the show started. You were able to figure it out. Eight years in the game. What's your love life like, Dean? I'm married. No, I'm married. Nice.

Hell yeah. She must be a very lucky cold woman. It is pretty cold in my house. Yeah, hell yeah. Well, Dean, have you ever thought about trying stand-up comedy? Do you like comedy? No, I'm about to have a fucking heart attack. I love it.

I love it. Well, we were all about to have heat stroke before you came around. So now we're Eve and Stevens. Dean, thank you so much. Make some noise for Dean. Dean, Dean, Dean. Wow, what a special episode. 82.8 degrees, for those of you wondering.

We're hoping that goes down at some point. Dean, why don't you stick around until this thing starts to lower? Yeah. You might want to delete that first guy. He'll be fine. Shout out to Air Co. Air conditioning, coming in and doing their job. I think that's a great plug for them. Airco, here in Austin, Texas.

trusted air conditioning associates of Kill Tony and the Comedy Mother's Ship. Wow. We'll see. There's a plug. It better work. God, I hope Dean doesn't get fired. No, he won't.

A free ad for Airco, HVAC. You can get Airco yourself just by going to airco.com, I'm guessing. I'm hoping here. Yeah, it's plumbing, heating, and AC. That's the website. Well, any... There we go.

Airco. Yeah, go to airco-mechanical.com. Get yourself some AC. All right. Just save Dean's job, everybody. It's about a $30,000 ad read right there. It's open 24 hours. Call them.

512, 537. One, two, three, four, based on Around Rock, Texas, 40 years in the business, Airco, Air Conditioning, Electrical, and Plumbing. Five stars. All right. Hi, I'm Heather McDonnell, comedian, podcast host, and connoisseur of celebrity drama. And let me tell you, Amazon Prime is the unsung hero of my chaotic, passion-filled life.

I use Prime for fast delivery on everything from tech care for recording to books. I swear I'll finish before the next scandal breaks. streaming. I've bingedged enough gripping documentaries on Prime Video to consider myself an amateur detective as you know at this point. Music. My Amazon music playlist shift with my mood faster

than a Hollywood headline. Prime isn't just about getting things fast. It's about fueling whatever I'm into. It helps me go deeper, discover new obsessions, and make the most of every weird little interest that makes me meet. So whether you're planning, procrastinating,

or partying, whatever you're into it's on prime visit amazon dot ca slash prime to get more out of whatever you're into this is trixie mettle co-host of the bald and the beautiful podcast lover of wigs winged eyeliner and one-click ordering with amazon prime and i'm katya podcast co-host celebrated gymnast of the mind and compulsive curator of very specific interests amazon prime allows me to keep up with all of them with prime i've ordered rhinestones wig stands and a pink toolbox I now use as a makeup kit all in one go. And best of all, they showed up before I even remembered I bought them. All while streaming top shows on Prime

video and playing chaotic but oddly soothing soundtracks on Amazon music. Prime isn't just a shipping service. It's a buffet of deals, shows, playlists, and convenience that supports every one of my obsessions, both old and new. I get my wig glue delivered fast, stream vintage Italian horror movies while I perfect my latest outfit, and cue up an Eastern European pop playlist on Amazon music to set the vibe. It's multitasking, but also kind of feral. From one day delivery to top shows to music, whatever you're into is on Prime. Visit amazon.ca slash prime to get more out of whatever you're into.

Your next bucket pull is a one word name. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Paul. Paul. I don't get it. 72 virgins? I don't even get out of bed for less than 100 virgins. Wow. Thought this would be easier.

I was so nervous back. This is my first time. I was so nervous backstage. Even after I rubbed a couple out. That's right. I'm an assassin. I usually don't bring this up, but my family and I hunt vampires.

No, we are not Van Helsines. You're not knee-deep in vampires right now because of one family. I apologize. Hey Tits, you want a small joke book? Hey, T-Bone. All right, Paul, everybody. Very good, Paul.

So clearly a fan of the show. You chose to sign it. This is truly your first time? First time, yeah. What made you want to do it like this? What made you want to pick tonight? Actually, I got injured last year, and I, fuck.

And I had to have surgery. and is off work and I wrote a screenplay and I wrote a screenplay for William Montgomery so I'm trying to I thought if the set was good enough well if this was a taste

we need more can I get the elevator pitch yeah let's hear the movie the elevator not the synopsis the elevator pitch elevator please okay Shaquille O'Neil

and Charles Barkley I'm in fully the way you said Shaq Keel had me I mean really convinced I was thinking about saying Shaq I boarded

with his full name they are used to be partners they were they were private investigators but they had a falling out 15 years ago

they hate each other and they find out their kids kept in touch and they're going to get married they have a fight they lose the ring and then they got to chase these bikers all across

the country to find the ring they don't want to have the wedding but they don't want to have the wedding but they don't want to let their kids down. Have you considered having them play aliens and basketball? So this is like wildhogs with NBA tonight. Yes.

Wildhogs, midnight run. But those are tough gets. They're phenomenal together. Yeah, there's no doubt. We're missing out. So what was the job that you had before all of this? I'm a construction worker. And you got injured on a construction site?

No, I was helping someone move. A total separate injury. Is it a back injury? No, I snapped my distal bicep tendon, so I had to get surgery. What the fuck were you carrying? It was, I was in the wrong position.

It was a TV. I was just a flat screen? Yeah, they're like these days. It was a plasma, and if you know anything about a huge fucking plasma. I got to brush up on Newtonian physics. I didn't know how much the plasma weighed, my bad. Oh, my God.

It's insane. Let's just take one second here to talk about the minute of comedy that you prepared. Islamic terrorists, ha-ha, 72 virgins. I don't get out of bed for less than 100 virgins. What the fuck are you talking about?

What do you mean by that? Yeah, what don't you get about it? It's a fucking classic. It's a classic, dude. Just out of curiosity, last question. What is William's character? in this movie that features Charles Barkley and Shaakkeel O'Neill.

He is a homeless wander, but we find out he's a fugitive. But Shaq and Chuck get mugs. Oh, you call them Chuck now. Wow, you're so close with them. No, no, he's fine with that. They get mug, and they have to enlist William to help them finish their mission.

There you go. Very good. Here's a little joke book. There you go. There goes Paul, everybody. Good luck, Paul. Paul, what's your last name? What is it?

All right. There goes Paul, everybody. You want to have that one. Whoa. The lovely Heidi has arrived, ladies and gentlemen. A delicious Bud Light. All right, your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Michael Scott, everyone. Michael Scott.

Ooh, we're down to 81.9 degrees. Hey. I know what I look like. I know what I sound like. I hear it too, guys. I got the vibe of, I just got cast as Donatello and Tyler Perry's New Ninja Turtles movie. Yeah, he's the tech guy.

I get it. I'm a weird kid. I was a weird kid. I had a lot of animals. I had a, I started off with two rabbits. I ended up with 14. That being said, I've seen a rabbit's fuck a lot, guys. It's pretty crazy.

It's like one rabbit, minding his own business. That was my white one. Then my black one would come hopping along, mount it, fiercely fuck it for about 10 seconds, and then everyone takes off running. My question, guys, why does rabbit sex only last 10 seconds? Is it evolution? Or is a rabbit pussy just as good as I think it is?

Hell yes, Michael Scott. Wow. Is this true? You have that many rabbits? No. Well, technically I had guinea pigs, but rabbits fuck like crazy, so it's funnier. You know what I mean. Wow. Gini Pigs appears to be the magical word combination of the day. Really? It's been used by two out of three bucket pools in an unprecedented anomaly. So Michael, how long have you been doing stand-up? Eight years.

Eight years. Where at? Fresno, California, Bakersfield, California. Wow. Is that where you still live? No. I'm out here. Yeah, I've been here since December 30th, the last year. Nice. Awesome. What do you do for work? I work valet at Hotel Ella, and I just, got a new job two months ago at Benefast. I deliver construction equipment to sites.

Awesome. Yeah. Absolutely incredible, Michael Scott. What do you do for fun? I used to train MMA. I play poker, watch movies, video games. I got cats. How many cats do you have? Three cats. What are their names? Whiskey, waffles. Those are my two girls. And I got Tanuki. He's the boy. Yes, bro. How's cat pussy? Everything I dreamed of. It's incredible.

How many guinea pigs did you have at the most? Yeah, 14. You had 14. I started with two, and they just kept fucking, it got to the point where I was selling them back to the pet store. Wow. Yeah. Just a bunch of inbred, angry guinea pigs.

Yeah. Incredible. How old were you when you had these guinea pigs? 12 fish. So you were living with your parents? Yeah, yeah. What were they saying about all the guinea pigs? They...

Kidney, motherfucking guinea pig. Well, you better get me, motherfucking guinea pig. All right. No, what did they say? Well, the police are on their way. I saw an opportunity. Everybody relax. Guys, relax.

These motherfucking kitty pig. Man, you fucking bedroom be stinking, Michael. It did. All right. It did. This is what they said, right? Yeah. My mom.

Did they kind of sound like that or did they speak perfect, perfect American English like you? They're, oh, my mom? Yeah. Oh yeah. Yeah. She sounds like me just not like a guy. Perfect. Northern California blacks.

So you had, how many of those, how many of those guinea pigs were in your room at once? All of them. So you did have, so you had 14 in your room. Yeah. And you were jacking off in there in front of 14 guinea. How many times you jack off in front of 14 skinny pigs? A lot. That's so many times.

I perform better in front of a crowd. What can I say? You could hear him. You had to be able to hear him while you were jacking off. Oh, yeah, yeah. They, whir-wit-w-w-wit. You're like, whiskey, be quiet. Yeah.

Michael Scott's trying to jack off around here. My mom accidentally killed four of them once, though. though. How did she do that? She's not going to like that. She's going to be much matter of my impression of her than... I think you're right.

I was at school one day and I had them in three separate cages and she took one of the cages because she said it was a hot day. So she wanted to give them some air. So she took the cage and put it outside in the hot sun. She killed them on purpose. Yeah, I think I had three

too many. One survived, though. You had a lot of guinea pigs. If you were my son, I would have, yeah. I would have put those bag, those guinea pigs in a bag, and you got to smack them. That's bad. Stop watching my son, Jackal.

You fucking perverts. That's why I got them. Behold. Behold, my son, my children. Did you bury the dead? Yeah. Where did you bury them? Backyard.

Nice. Yeah. What type of, you know, do you put up like a monument to them? A shoebox. They weren't even good shoes. They were like Pumas too. Yeah. You didn't put anything above ground to commemorate?

No. Not around. Give a fuck about them, hos. I did, I was a kid. I didn't know tombstones were, you know. Right. Right. Definitely.

The one that survived didn't have any special powers or anything. He was the first one. He was the, he started the whole thing. He started the whole thing. His name was Hammy. Hampton J. Guinea Pig was his name. Wow. Wow.

What did the J stand for? Jenkins? Jew? Oh, Jew. Okay. I love it, Michael. He was Jewish, I don't know. What's it?

Were the other hamsters Jewish in this mass genocide? Yeah. I ran a guinea pig concentration. They could not. survive the mama cost. Oh, man. Wow. Mama cost.

Did she ever explain herself why she really sat? She said it was hot. I thought they'd hit some air. You know what? Honestly, if there were 14 guinea pigs in this room when I got here tonight, I would have sat four outside in a cage too.

Thank goodness for Dean from Airco, air conditioning company. Well, hold on, let's see. It's so hotter than Helen here. We need to bring Dean back can kill him. Put him outside. Put him in a cage, yeah.

Michael, I'd love to have you back on The Secret Show, man. Thank you so much, right. Here's the big joke book, Michael. Michael Scott. Fantastic. We are moving along smoothly here, bucket pool number four. This is definitely a new name, and I'm excited about it. Make some noise for Yoshika Gonzalez.

Yoshika Gonzalez. Oh, shit. Okay. One more time for Yoshika, everybody. Hi. A little bit about me or whatever. I'm having a sale on my only fans. Yeah, so for 30 cents a day, you can help a short bitch pay her rent.

Um, no, uh, I am a sex worker and I figured it's actually better than dating because I usually date, um, white men and that's a fucking pyramid scheme. So they just, they, they just do weird shit, like, lie, first of all, uh, drink Mountain Dew and prioritize themselves. I'm just too Latina for that, you know? No, you don't. Yeah, I'm too Latina for that because I'm like, sucking dick, you know,

washing the dishes. And in return, they make me keto fucking pancakes. Like, you're good. Yoshika Gonzalez, hell yes. So many questions. Let's begin. One of Mike Scott's guinea pigs survived. Made it all the way down here.

Excuse me? No, it's not about you. No, I got a... I have a serious question. When you do your sex work, you get picked up in front of the Home Depot? Just kidding. No, but when you do your sex work, you go to the Home Depot, don't you?

Whoa! Sounded like a burn. Zero. That's what you get, dude. You come at the queen, you best not miss. Yoshika Gonzalez. Hell yeah, you are definitely a specific type. Do you, do they, is this a condition?

Is there a label for this? What, racially challenged? No, you look like a tall midget. Oh. You look like a... I'm, yeah, I don't know, I'm a shorty. Shorty, they used to be short back in the day in the 60s, you know?

I don't know what's going on now. Okay. Okay. Yoshika, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? For a year now, it's my last resort into screenwriting. Oh, you got to team up with Paul.

Yeah, this is wild. The new Farley brothers. Yeah. This is a special episode. We have two two screenwriting references and two guinea pig references and somehow they're all mashing together

right here with Yoshika Gonzalez Yoshika is an interesting name what does that mean? How do you end up with a Japanese name? I was named after a Japanese film camera Yashika. I don't know. You don't know. My dad used to say different shit like a hooker one time.

Hey, called a shot. Cashier, a book, and then he told the truth, I guess. 38 cents, you said? 30, 30 cents a day. Is that real? 30 cents? Is that legal? Unisept only thing. Mathematically, yeah, I think so.

Okay. What do you do on this only fans, exactly? Um, I... Haunt people's laptops. I don't know, I twerk. I... All right. I do, like, anime costumes

and fuckin, fuckin, dick-grade guys, dick-rate, pick-rate. You've crossed the line. That's too much. Don't do it. Don't you did. There's a lot. lot. There's a lot. There's a lot. How long have you been on OnlyFans?

Since the pandemic, when the strip clubs closed temporarily. So you were a stripper up to the pandemic. What was your stripper name? Easy question. Impossible to forget. There's been a bunch, you know, Jenna was a good one. A lot of people

in Austin back in the day. Jenna. Okay. Anything crazy ever happened at the strip club? Any wild stories? No. Okay. Same old, same old.

You close with your parents? Not right now, not at the moment. Why do you think you're not close with your parents? Uh, I didn't think this is a therapy session. I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be rude. Hey, you're the one with your backstory lady. I'm just following up here. Do you think your dad subscribes to your only fans?

I mean, 30 cents a day. Why wouldn't you check in on your little dar-dar, you know what I mean? Okey-dokey. It's a real live show, everybody. I don't think so, no. He said he never loved me, never will, never did. Perfect. I think we're good then.

Was this a long time ago or like kind of recent? Was this a pandemic? Like two years ago. Two years during the pandemic. Everyone lost their mind during the pandemic. It's not a big deal. Well, that's not nice. Yeah, I'm sorry to hear that.

That's all right. It's okay, I guess. We're here now. Yeah. For what it's worth, I think you're worth more than 30 cents a day. Okay. Definitely. How much are you making a month on OnlyFans?

Four dollars and $12. Yeah. You're killing it and you're making fucking 20 bucks. I'm making my rent. A thousand bucks. Oh, that's awesome. Okay. How do you get to everything else? How do you pay your bills if you're only making your rent spot on from the monthly only fans?

What else are you doing to make money on this side? Me sucky, sucky. Okay. Red band, that is out of control. That is rude. That is out of line, red band. I actually don't do oral, but, um... Sick.

Wow. Yeah. Extra. That exprivers went off the charts with that one. That explains why the white guys you've been. been with just lie and drink Mountain 2 all the time. If you want some honest answers, you got to

fucking... No, I sell vintage. I sell vintage clothing. Oh, cool. Hell yeah. I'm the markets outside in the heat. I do actual work. I do AV work too, but you know, they hire the guys. Ass and vagina. Is that one of the vintage shirts you're wearing?

No, this one... I... I... I'm going to say it's a cool shirt. Thank you. Yeah. Is it vintage underwear, like your used ones or something that you sell? Red band. Red band, that's... Red band. Try to run a program.

Let's get to the... For 30 cents a day. Let's get back to this side. For a penny, you can get her on it. 30 cents? I mean, it's $7 a month, divided by 30. Oh, okay, all right, I see you a day. Yes.

That's how they get you. That is how they get you. That is how they get you. I subscribed under the table. I said 30 cents, this is a... Come on. Adds up quick. I'd be losing money not doing it.

I don't get out of bed for a hundred cents. We're talking here. You're doing great. You're gonna be making a lot more money after this, I'm sure. There are a lot of people watching online right now. Any other last pitches for your only fans that you would like like to give to the people out there? There's many, many men.

Where are you trying to? Trying to help her. She's just barely making her rent. Yeah, I mean, I have a wish list, but I just have like a printer on there. No one will buy it. I'll get you a fucking printer. Shane's gonna buy her a printer.

I promise. Yo, Sheika, here's the little joke book. Okay, I'll try. Ready for it? Boom, you got it. Wow. You're going that way. Hey, hey, nice to meet you. Right back to where you came.

Yoshika, everybody. There's Heidi. Yum, yum, yum. Time for another golden ticket winner, everybody. This young lady won hers maybe a little less than a year ago. She's fantastic. Works here. Works on Kiltoni.

Make some noise. A brand new minute from Aya, everyone. From Ayah, everybody. It's Ayah, everyone. Some people don't trust Muslims. I get it, whatever. Me personally, I don't trust Jehovah Witnesses. I feel like some Jehovah Witnesses

are just registered sex offenders who got really, really, really nervous at the last second. Like, they were supposed to go out in the neighborhood and tell everyone what they did, which is, it's tough. You know, I'm a little bit of a child. So, you know, they go, knock, knock, who's there? Have you heard of the child that was touched? By God!

Jesus Christ. He's like, why is your parole officer here? It's like, don't worry about that. I don't know. I feel like we treat registered sex offenders so interesting in this country. Like we make them live so far from elementary schools, but distance only makes the heart grow fonder. Boom. I, uh, fantastic. Great pedophile joke. Okay, thanks. What's up?

Hey guys. How you doing? How's it been going, Aya? It's good, it's kind of warm in here. Yeah. I put on a jacket, so when I take it off, I feel cooler. Oh, look at that, a little reverse psychology on pure heat. Yeah.

Okay. How are you guys? That's good. I gotta be honest, this is good. Yeah, everything going good? Yeah, everything's good yesterday. Nothing bad. Huh? No, no, no.

So, yeah, every single person that's come up here is just... Yeah, my dad died, my dad hates me kind of vibe. Yeah, things are bad. Yeah. No, you guys didn't even hear what happened with my dad. Oh, what happened? Is he good? Die and give you that fucking jacket?

Where is he? No, yesterday, I taught him that you have to boil pasta and water. water. What was he doing before? He didn't know about that. How was he cooking pasta? He never cooks. He doesn't cook. He just learned I just taught him yesterday. Well, okay, so he's alive, that's fine. Yeah, he's alive. Sounds like he's thriving. Sounds like he's still learning. Yeah. Yeah. Learn something new every day. So that's good. Where's he at? Where do you, where are you from? I'm from Dallas. But my family's from Africa.

What? Yeah, I'm Moroccan. Nice. Yeah. Hell yeah. What was your dad doing with those noodles? Eating, eating the noodles. Just raw, hard noodles?

Well, no, I boiled them for him, and yesterday he came, and he was like, oh, so that's how you do it. He said he's always seen people make pasta, but he never paid attention to... He's just been sitting on the floor, Indian, Sal, he didn't know his hands. Yeah. Yeah. Incredible. That's good. All right.

Amazing, Aya. What else is going on? Anything else crazy? I recently, I had a weird dream the other day. I had a dream that there was this girl, and she was really young. She was like 17, 16. And she was, like, in a trap house.

And I didn't know what to tell her to get out of the trap house. So I just told her, girls like you end up fat in their, 20s and she left. I got her out the trap house. Wow. Hey, give it up for her in her dream. Yep. What are you talking about? What are you talking about? It's just my life.

Yep. No doubt about it. It's just the truth. Well, great new minute, Aya, favorite pedophile joke of the day without a doubt so far. One more time for Aya, everybody. Back to the bucket we go. Three ladies in a row. Make some noise to your next comedian. It's Jenny Rodriguez, everyone. Jenny Rodriguez.

I just watched this documentary on Netflix recently. It was about a woman who went to jail after she had sex with a man who the courts had deemed mentally incapacitated. This was a man who was intellectually disabled. And that just goes to show that there's hope for all of you guys here tonight. Abel-bodied women are having sex with retards. I know I am. I love him. He's my best friend, my partner in crime, my PIC.

You guys heard that partner in crime PIC. But I'm Mexican. So that would make me his essence. SPIC. SPIC, it's Texas. Do you want me to spell that out for you guys? We actually just saw the Fantastic Four movie. I gave a hand job during it.

I guess you could call it a Fantastic Five. Boot, Boot, Boot. That's been my time. I've been Jenny Rodriguez. Jenny Rodriguez. Welcome to the show, Jenny. Have you been on before? I have a couple times.

What do we find out the other times you were on about you? I hate to throw this out here, but I work in a tire shop. Whoa. Hell yeah. Amazing. I'm engaged. That's pretty much it from the last two times. Yeah.

What does your man do? What's his name? He works at Jared Jewelers. He's a jeweler. Oh, we did pro wrestling. That was another thing. That's right. Right now we just finished clown school actually.

Okay. So that's another. Fucking good choice. Yeah. You learned stuff at clown school? Did I learn this stuff at clown school? No, did you learn a lot of stuff at clown school? Oh, I really did actually.

I learned how to do like balloon animals. Do you have any balloons on you? I wish I did. I literally thought about bringing my skirt, but... Is there anything you could do in the clown world right now? If John played some clown music and we gave you a spotlight? One, two, three, four. two, three, four.

Oh, shit. Uh-oh. Nothing, okay. I need props. Oh, all right. I do a lot of, like, gimmick shit. I do, like, some magic tricks, but I'm not, like, really good.

You know, it's all very slight of hand stuff. What if somebody has a condom? Can you do something with a condom? Red band, thank you so much. You're a great. No, yeah, great. Thank you, Red Band. Nobody here has a fucking condom, dude?

Not the 80s. Jenny. Rodriguez. So how's stand-up been going for you? State has been going pretty well. The last few months I've been focusing on clown school, ironically. But I've been, you know, hitting my school into shows, just trying to do what I can around here.

It is a little more difficult, I think, finding a good click around here compared to where I was last before I moved here. I came from South Bend area. It's a smaller. Oh, go Irish. Are you a fan of the Notre Dame fighting Irish? Definitely not, bro.

Yeah. Notre Dame, more like Notre Dame. In St. Claudeauce sucks dick. I know. Football rules. I love sports. There you go. Well, Jenny, congratulations.

You got picked for another minute. You've been on the show multiple times. There she goes. Jenny Rodriguez, everybody. We're going to keep flying through it. Here we go. On to the next one. It's cooling down.

We're at 80.4 degrees. We are around the corner from the 70s, everybody. This next bucket bulls from the inside. Make some noise for Chuli Joy. Chuli Joy from the inside. Is that real? Oh, wow, the furthest possible fucking seat in the entire venue.

Literally can't make it up, everyone. How perfect. It's great. Awesome. You would think we would coordinate this better, that someone signs up and they don't sit in the seat that's 97 seconds away from the front. Tire Season 2 out now on Netflix, everybody. A Madison Square Garden coming up this week.

The 15th, we do stand-up, the 16th. We do Kill Tony. Jim on Tuesday Date night on Wednesday Out on the town on Thursday Quiet night in on Friday It's good to have a routine And it's good for your eyes too

Because with regular comprehensive eye exams at Specsavers You'll know just how healthy they are Visit Spexavers.cavers.caiator to book your next eye exam I exams provided by independent optometrists Where the fuck is this fucking inside bucket pool? Thanks for Chuli Joy, everyone. So I have pretty bad luck on dating apps. Like I literally don't get any matches.

And I got this buddy who's just bragging about all the matches he has. So one day I was like, let's see him. He's on Grindr. And he's got tons of matches. That's kind of like a weird flex. but then it dawned on me if I was gay a lot of my problems would disappear

like I wouldn't be as lonely I would have better fashion sense and I'd be in great shape because you have to be strong to fuck a dude right it's like fucking a bear and then even jacking off in the mirror would be better

like come on guys dial in right? You're jacking off in the mirror and there's a hot dude jacking off to you in the mirror, right? You start going faster, he starts going faster. Right? And then you jack off

and you bust a nut and then this dude who's been jacking off to you for 25 minutes busting a nut to you busting a nut. Pretty fucking awesome if you're gay, right? Thank you. Julie Joy. Welcome back. I like that you say jacking off would be in the mirror would be better if you're

better, as if you do jack off in the mirror. Have you ever? Fuck no, look at me. I mean, I don't want to see this shit. Do you jack off in the mirror? No, I don't, but I thought for the joke. 25 minutes is crazy. That is crazy.

You're going to milk it, dude. I'm not trying to bust a nut and not be worth it, dude. Jack it off in the mirror for 25 minutes. Bro, don't knock it until you try it. Well, I will. 25 minutes is what stands out about that material. Do you really extend your jackoff experience for that long? Yeah, when I do jack off, I definitely milk it, but I try not to.

When you say milk it, are you implying. It's cold edging, guys. You guys are the edge? All right, whatever. I'm fucking weird, okay? So you last 25 minutes with yourself. When I do it, yeah, I try. When you're about to come, what do you picture?

What do you mean, dude? Well, you're saying that you're edging, right? So, like, how do you stop yourself? You watch something that turns you on, and then you, like, get ready, and then you just ride that wave until you are ready to bust a nut. And then you plan on killing Bart Simpson. Yeah. And you spend the rest of the night watching out for rakes on the ground.

Or party rock, whatever. Either one. Either one. Okay. What do you tend to watch when you're jerking off, Chulie Joy? Honestly, I have a pretty vast spank bank.

So, like, I just... What are some of the wilder... Categories. Yeah, what are some of the weirder things that you're into? I'm into. I like, like, Dom sub stuff. You know? D.S. You know about that?

I've heard of it. Who's the... Are you a Dom or a sub? I'm a Dom. Whoa. Dude, I'm already subbing out to you right now. This is crazy. Yeah, we're all sitting down in your Domino's, dude?

You can't Domm us like this while we're sitting down? Bro. Tony, give him a big notebook right now. Get rid of this Dom Daddy. What's the craziest thing you've ever done Dom-wise in real life? Dom-wise. picturing you in, like, a pig mask with your hair hanging out and everybody being like, well, we know who that is.

I was living in it. And I was like going to these parties and it was pretty crazy. They were like, they're like, we're going to film this. And I was like, I was like, I don't want to be filmed, right? And they were like, put on a mask. No one's going to know who are. And I'm like, no one's going to know the tall ass dude with fucking Afro and blue eyes. But I just had them film behind me, but I just had like this girl and they were like, had all these toys.

I like you, I like using my own parts and my hands and stuff. But, yeah, they had like all these crazy toys. so we did that stuff. And I was just like, I would find myself like an open-minded person, you know? You work with your hands. Yeah, I'm working with, yeah, exactly. Yeah, no, that's toy bullshit.

You're a hands, man. How are you doming, though? Like, where was the dom? You got your cheeks? It's like, it's like, sounding kind of stuff. I'm not telling them what to do. You're in charge, you know? Like, there's some dudes that, like,

want the girls to take control and shit, you know? Like, I want to be in control. For sure. I'm in control. Oh, shit. Whoa. Whoa, whoa. You don't watch a boy like that, dude, ever again.

How many you dom my friends. You watch out, Shane. You don't come up here and don't don't me, dude. I'm coming over there. I can't believe you're not doing good on dating apps. Yo. You're a handsome fella, you know? Yeah, man.

God damn. What do you do for work? I work in AV freelance. Wow. Mostly, yeah, I never heard everyone saying that. Yeah. I've done some catering jobs since I moved here. Okay.

Yeah. They make you wear a hair net? They make me pull my hair back in a ponytail. Yeah. Damn. Yeah, it looks different. It's fucked up. It disappears.

How about intense eye contact? Yeah. How about for fun? What do you do for fun? I like going to White Horse. I've been practicing two-step, like learning. I like Barton Springs. I go there almost every day.

Nice. You find anybody at Dom out there? Yeah. A little bit. A little bit. Yeah. Do the girls out there are freaky. Yeah.

Whoa. life like? I don't have a girlfriend here, but I have like a lover on the East Coast. You have a lover on the East Coast. She's my sub. Jesus. What you do? Texas. Like you get some, bro. Get the fuck out of here.

Yo. Oh, sorry. Yo. What the fuck, dude? He's so horny and angry. Like, what's his name? I'm like, bro, come on now. He said, what's his name?

Hilarious. I mean, what's his name? What's his name's a classic? Yeah. I have a lover on the East. What's your sub doing right now? She's probably sleeping, honestly. She'll wake her up.

Wake up. Call her. A real Dom would wake her up. Damn, bro. I'm going to call her after this. No, we're not going to. We're going to keep him moving along. Chuli Joy, there he goes.

All right, thank you guys. There goes Chuli Joy, everybody. Hell yeah. There he goes, everyone. All right, fist bumps for the Don. Truly Joy. I thought he was pretty funny up there. All right, this looks like a fun name and a new name.

Let's see what happens here. Makes some noise for Mighty Mike, everyone. Mighty Mike. Okay. All right. Man, that last comic looked like Carlito from WWE, didn't he? What it's like to be cool? Nah, man.

Man, I'm about to quit comedy, man. This shit, don't make no money in this motherfucker, man. I'm broke. Man, man, I'm so broke, man. I can't even be racist with my laundry. That's how broke I am. I got it. I feel like that's the last white racist activity.

White and blacks, set apart, buddy. I put the whites first. I'm black. I put the blacks first. That's what the fuck. Yeah, man, I'm out here mixing, leftovers and shit. I made Jamaican food the other day. Rice and pasta.

Nigger. That's what... Bumbo clock. No, man. Ah. Oh, man. Treads. Yeah.

Okay. That's the meal right there. All right. That's a cat? That's a pussy? Okay. All right. Mighty Mike.

Slightly having a mental breakdown. A little breakdown towards the end of his set there. You got me. That's funny. Mighty Mike, welcome back. You've been on this show before. Yeah. Mike, I'm Nigerian.

Talking to the microphone there. We have mics here in America. Oh! Woo! With the shots. So what were you saying? Go ahead. No, I said, Mike.

I'm Mike. That's my stage name. Mighty Mike. I put that on there today. I was on here last time, right? No, I don't know. I don't know. Shame, man.

Man, respect, bro. I respect you. No, you wasn't. No, you wasn't. You wasn't. Oh, all right. Well, fuck. Maybe I'm racist. Yeah.

It was a... Maybe I am actually racist. You got up here, I was like, oh, I remember. I mean. We know... Mike, relax. Relax. So tell us what's been going on, Mike.

You said you're broke. What do you do for work? Oh, I just got a new job at FedEx. The last time I was at Amazon. Okay. You're just still delivering. You're just still delivering. Still delivering packages, yes.

The packages don't talk. The packages don't talk. Yeah. What do you mean by that exactly? I used to be in an office. I used to work in an office and offices, people talk a lot. Uh-huh. But when you...

Now you're driving the truck? Yep. And you're dropping off the packages. Dropping them off, taking photos. How long you've been doing that for? As far as dropping packages off, I again, I started with Amazon. I was like... Got the Amazon.

We're talking about FedEx. How long even- FedEx is like two weeks. So two weeks? No, no, a week, a week, a week. A week, yes. How do you do, do you have any specific style? Is anything crazy happened yet?

No, no. I'm still training right now. A nigga's still training, yeah. Okay. Yeah, it's got me training. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. What have you learned so far?

Man, you gotta put the packages where the white people want them because they'll type up that review, man. Next to you know. All right, you gotta keep them right where the black people can still get them. Yeah. I helped my niggas out. I wasn't the hood today.

I wasn't the hood today. You know, I help my niggas out. I, you know. Hey, come quick, Brian. Get your shit. Okay, dokey. Mighty Mike. How about for fun?

What are some hobbies of yours? What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Man, when I'm down doing stand-up, man, think about how black people could be better. That's what I think about. Same. What have you come up with, exactly? We've been wondering the same thing.

Man, you go right ahead. You know, I was chilling in my balcony the other day, man, blowing the trees. I was like, man, the head knot thing that black people do, man, we need to get rid of that. No, it's nice. I mean, we've got to say, speak words, man. Hi.

Hi, hello. Well, if you do it like that, that's going to be a problem. If I was walking by and the black guy was like, Hi. Yeah, yeah, yeah, like that. No, you know, you got a smile. What's up? Yeah, I just did, huh?

Exactly. No, the head thing's nice. I am head thing traumatized, man. I am head thing traumatized. Oh, yeah. And you're from Nigeria? I was born and raised in Nigeria, yes. You came here and you're telling the black Americans

they're not doing it, right? What? Tell them to pull their pants up. I get it. You know? I mean. Yeah, what else is on this list? For me, I put my pants up.

What else is on your list of how they can do better? Um, uh, uh, um, Um, Number two on the list. Number two, man, pay bills. Wow. Meekers could pay bills, bro.

For real. For real. Like, when I had a lot of money, I used to pay my bills. I was like, white men, just paying my bills on time. I don't got it like that no more right now, so I'm dodging, too. I'm being black. Right.

Jukin the bill collectors. Sunrise debt. Who is that? They called me at six in the morning every time. So, yeah. Fuck them. I got to tell you, this isn't a racial problem. This is, yeah.

This is a me problem, huh? No, no, well, yeah, whoever the individual is, yeah. Okay. But we've all been there. Yeah, I've dodged. I've dodged. What do you owe money for? What are some of your debts?

I know right now I owe, uh, I owe charter, charter communications right now, man. I owe him about $300. Who the fuck is that? Yeah, what's that? Spectrum, spectrum, my bad. Spectrum, man. Wait, you have cable or is that internet?

No, internet, man, man. Come on, don't you know, Matt? Internet, man, cable. Whoa, that's expensive. Okay. Do you have kids? No, no kids yet, man. Bro.

How old are you? I just don't 35. So how do you think you've avoided having kids? Man, my pull-out game real good, man, I ain't gonna lie, bro. Explain to us. What's your, what's your method? Bro, I feel the p-like, when you're about to bust a nut, you get a p-filling.

That's the sign that got to give you first. Like, hey, hey, man, it ain't piss, it's the other one. Just take it out, and you bust. And I listen to that voice, and I'm nut right on her. And that's how I'm able to dodge that shit, bro. Wow. Man, I don't know how. How niggas miss that P-filling, man.

Child support, not me. Do you see, like, a big figure of your father in the sky and James Earl, Joe, just like, pull out now, sir. Racist. I'm just playing. I'm playing. I'm playing. No, my dad's still around, man. He's still around.

Is he in Nigeria? No, no, no, he's here. Where is he exactly? He's in Minnesota. Okay. And what's he doing up in Minnesota? What does a Nigerian do in Minnesota exactly? Man.

He, he, he takes walks at the ball. Yeah, exactly. He takes walks up the ball. Yeah, he fights Somalis at the Mall of America. Yep, for real. They'd be fucking with my dad, man. They don't know my dad of OG, man. He speaks Italian, too, so he could talk to the mob.

No way. Yes. Wow. And it's true that Nigerians and Somalians don't get along. I mean, I fuck with them, but, you know, when they start picking that, Hala, ha, ha, sook, sook, I'm out of there. Whoa, bro. Whoa, Suk, sook, what that mean?

What's your least favorite thing about the Somalians? The what? Nothing. Craziest thing you have in your refrigerator, Mighty Mike. You have a refrigerator, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I got a fridge. What's the craziest thing we would find

if we opened up your refrigerator right now? Some spinach and broccoli. They go and they can eat healthy. No fried chicken. Wow. Incredible. Does that bring you any other points? Do you get any special powers

when you eat the spinach or broccoli? You know, man. Man, I do do in the morning. Okay. The dookie come right on time in the morning. Okay, dokey. All right, Red Band. All right.

Fun stuff. There goes Mighty Mike. You already have a big joke book? I already got one. There he goes. On to the next one. Yes, sir. Appreciate you.

Thank you, Kioton. Searchlight Pictures presents The Roses, only in theaters, August 29th. From the director of Meet the Parents and the writer of Poor Things comes The Roses, starring Academy Award winner, Olivia Coleman. Academy Award nominee, Benedict Cumberbatch, Andy Samburg, Kate McKinnon, and Allison Janney. A hilarious new comedy filled with drama, excitement, and a little bit of hatred, proving that marriage isn't always a bed of roses. See the roses only in theaters

August 29th. Impact site located, entering spacecraft. Contact, but identified life form. We were safer in space. FX's Alien Earth, an original series streaming Tuesday on Disney Plus. Sign up today. 18 plus subscription required TNCs apply. Ladies and gentlemen, it has happened.

79.9 degrees, everybody. We've hit it. We are officially in the 70s. In this, the hottest episode of K. kill Tony ever. Shane's got to pee. Shane's going pee. Which means I'm just going to bring up your next comedian. Make some noise for Shay Phillips, everybody.

Shay Phillips. Oh, shit. So I know what y'all thinking right now. What the fuck is this fake-ass Kimbo Slice doing up here trying to make me laugh and shit? supposed to be in the cage beating the shit out of people what the fuck uh recently i've been trying to get back into dating and i've been kind of struggling i realized i struggle because i take words a little too literally like i don't like them women call me daddy

because something deep inside me something deep in my DNA just makes me uh want to leave them i don't know it's like it's like every time she says ooh daddy i'm like you know what We are out of milk. I'll be right back. She's like, you're lactose intolerant. I'm like, shit, man, would you look at that? I'll get some new ports. I'll be right.

You don't smoke. I'm like, listen, bitch, you're going to be here on draft day, all right? You're going to the NFL, you know. A lot of people give me stupid-ass questions sometimes. They ask you, like, Shail-Land, what's your favorite workout? Like, shoulder press, chest press, bench press. I'm like, bitch, I am deep press. The fuck?

Why do you? I think I work out so much. Fuck yeah. Shea Phillips. Welcome to the show. Shea. This is your first time on? Yes, sir. Welcome, welcome. How long you've been doing stand-up? About three, four years now? Three or four years. We're at? Houston, Texas. Okay, that was what I was going to guess. Hell yeah. What do you do for work in Houston?

I'm a machinist. Whoa. Okay. What kind of machinery are we talking about? My biceps? Wow. Incredible. But seriously, what kind of machines do you work with? CNC? I don't know. I just press buttons and shit, dog. Okay. Awesome. Sounds professional.

As fuck. Hell yeah. And you don't have kids? No. Not that I know of. You have a girlfriend? No. You're just single. Running machines. What do you do for fun? I like lift weights. I like to choke people. I do jih Tzu and shit.

You do jiu-jitsu? Wow. Okay. Like eat a lot of food. Yeah? What do you like to eat? Barbecue. Mm-hmm. Barbecue what? Chicken. Very good. You just won the game, everybody.

You got out of me, motherfucker. Hell yeah. Shea, how often do you come to Austin, Texas to sign up for the show? First time. First time. Yes, sir. Look at you. You got lucky.

Incredible. That is. You remember Lemaire? Yeah. Lemaire, you look fucking good, bro. Yeah. You're at Lemaire. This is Lascar.

Hey, I'm just saying. This is the last thing you want. The mayor got on some HGH, some TRT. Hell yeah. Okay, Shay. Craziest thing that's happened to you at the gym. Anything ever stand out to you? Any white women ever accused you of staring at them or something like that?

No, but I did have an old white lady who tried to kidnap me one time. Oh, tell us all about it. Well, I'm at the gym and shit. And she goes, oh, well, I just need help getting out to my car, getting blah, blah, blah, blah. And I'm like, a lady, I don't work here. But instead she started dragging me outside and shit. And she's like, I can't carry this by myself. Get inside a car, motherfucker.

I'm like, hold up, bitch. You think she was trying to have sex with you? I think she wanted to pick up a bunch of heavy shit for it. I'm like, no, dog, you know. You ever heard of Juneteen's bitch? Yeah. Emancipation proclamation, I'm free. Absolutely.

What did she want you to pick up for herself? Yeah, she was a fat bitch. What you expected? Oh, was she fat? Yeah. Shucks. She tried to get me. That could have been great.

How old? Old enough? Yeah, yeah, yeah, old enough that you would be like... Old enough for a 401K? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Why'd you hesitate? I'm stupid. I want to keep doing comedy.

You probably do the right thing, actually. I don't know. I could have a better life, man. Yeah. Interesting. Shea, what's the craziest thing about your life that we would find interesting about you? You ever save anyone's life,

accomplish anything? Any big awards or anything like that? Let's see, the craziest thing I ever did in my life, dude. When I was in the military, there was a kid that was trying to walk home. But it turns out that this island, like, it floods like crazy and shit. So as the kid's walking, like, his face is, like, sitting his face out of the water and stuff. So I basically had to carry the motherfucker home. At least he didn't drown.

Where was this at? The Marshall Islands. Wow. Yeah. And what exactly, what branch of the military were you in? I was in the Navy. And what did you do exactly in the Navy? I was in the construction forces.

I was a mechanic. Okay. Wow. Look at you helping someone else not drown. Absolutely amazing. I had to pass swim test, dog. Yep. Look at that. Okay, Shea, three or four years in Houston, your first time on, very fun. And here is, oh, we don't have any mediums. I guess you're getting a big one. There you go. Shea Phillips. Boom.

Shea Phillips. Yeah, bro. Oh shit, I did that one quick, huh? Oops. Hey, look, it's the lovely Heidi. This episode is brought to you by ExpressVPN. We went close there. Yeah.

How many people like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Sure? They do. Almost everyone's doing bad. Yeah. They like it.

It is hot. It is hot. Yeah. No doubt about it. For those of you watching on the internet, congratulations. This is the episode to be in the air conditioning for it. If it was cold, we'd be fucking killing. Yeah.

It would be a whole different episode. It's crazy. But, you know, it happens sometimes every once in a great, great while. Okay. Awesome. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for your next comedian. You guys having fun out there still?

Do we care about how hot it is in the room? Make some noise for Nate Ortiz, everyone. Nate Ortiz. I've been on all the apps lately. I've been on Tinder, Bumble, DoorDash. Just looking for love and McNuggets at this point, you know? I'll entertain a Salvadorian man if he's given me Subway, you know. Just want to watch SmackDown, dude?

I even paid 20 bucks for that Tinder premium to find out the two women I match with look just like me. Same facial hair and everything. It got to the point I had to ask my buddies for advice. I'm like, hey man, how do I get better matches? How do I beat this algorithm? They're like, hey, you should start losing some weight, bro. You start to look like a Puerto Rican mom from the back.

So I said, wepa, dude. So I updated my Tinder profile. I said from the front, I looked like if Hagrid started a Twitch channel. but from the back dude looks like I'm washing dishes while salsa dancing thank you Nate Ortiz

this is your first time on this show right? Yes, yes yeah, for a very first time awesome. How long have you been on stand-up? Five years in Houston Wow, you're from Houston too, huh? Did you know Shea? I'm sorry? Did you know Shea?

I know Shea. We're actually the same weight. Wow. His personal trainer. All right. Fuck you guys, dude. It's real. Nate, what do you do for work? I actually just got laid off Saturday.

Yeah. Countries in shambles. Yeah. I've noticed that. They found out that I actually wasn't white and I was fully Puerto Rican. And they let me go. Where was this shop?

I was selling Samsung phones. Not at like a... Oh, that's a mostly Puerto Rican job. Our clientele is very Middle Eastern, very Nigerian. A lot of hagglin. Ah. I'm not good with it. Hagelin Nigerians.

I don't even know how to spell the word, so I just gave them a good deal. You do have the ass of a phone store manager. I'm surprised I'll let you go. I did work at Team Mobile. That's actually the most Hispanic thing about me. It's crazy. So why exactly did they let you go? Oh, I was very late three times.

Why? Why were you late? I did Coke till 7 a.m. Ah, there it is. That's why you're shaped like that. The mixture of bad food and cocaine has you shaped like that. I say good decisions, but okay, you know. What's the most fun that you've ever had on cocaine until 7 a.m.? Yeah, my cocaine song is actually You Can Call Me Al by Paul Simon, and I like listening to it in Tidy Whitey's, but yeah.

Yeah, that's awesome. Yeah, you do cocaine by yourself? Oh, it's the best. I don't have to share it with nobody. Yeah. I've been there, brother. I just lost my job, Tony. I can't. You get home, you go, oh, I still have some left from the party. Now it's time to keep going. Then you jack off in the mirror

That's a good time Till like 9 a.m., dude Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's too much. It's a real negative experience. But for a while, it's awesome. When you're in your underwear dancing a fucking Paul Simon. Yeah, it's pretty great.

That's a good time, yeah, whatever. You had a great special on YouTube. Thank you, man. It's incredible how much you look like an unhealthy version of one of my friends. Philip, can you come down here? I want to do a side-by-side of you and my friend Philip. Where's Philip at?

Tony, the cocaine, I actually lost like 60 pounds, dude. So this is the healthiest I've been in years. We're going to do it. Well, incredible. Are you still doing a lot of cocaine? Oh, yeah. I was doing it a lot earlier later. Hell yeah.

You need a bump? No, no, I'm good. Permanently good. Do you have a bump? Nope. All right. I don't do it. How do you afford it if you're out of a job?

I'm not really a comedian. I do the shows for the pay and the free drink ticket, so that's really it. You got into fucking comedy for the pay? No, I got it for the free drinks, dude. Yeah. Well, you said pay, y'all, but whatever. So even for free drinks, it doesn't make sense. Here's a healthy version of yourself.

yourself. Stand side by side with you. Side by side. Side by side. Keep going up, Philo. Keep going up. Keep going up. Keep going up. Now stand side by side. Square up to a camera. Look at a camera together. Look at the one on the right over there. Look at that guy. Yeah. See the faces? That's what you could look like if you just ate sushi and didn't do cocaine. And Phil, you've been losing a little weight.

Yeah, because when you were jumping, you really did look like that guy. I lost 30 pounds, not like 130. Yeah. Yeah, so you're saying you should do meth, that's the thing. That's actually more expensive. I tried. So, incredible, Philip, do you have any advice for him on exactly how to get his life together?

Well, I lost like 30 pounds, not, you need to lose a little bit more than that. Eat healthy, drink a lot of water. You ever hear that? Do less Coke? I don't know. More. I know Tony, I know you saw me, hesitate. Yeah.

Because when you said Philip, I was like, is there another Philip up here? No, you don't look anything like this dude. Yeah, you look exactly like him. You have the exact same face. Unfortunately, he's just so much fatter. Only I can see it. But yeah, you have the same face.

If you, like, if something terrible happened and you completely went Lieutenant Dan on yourself, this is what you would look like. I feel like this sucks for both of you right now. Yeah, it does. Philip has a new podcast on the Your Mom's House Network. What's that called? The Not a Damn Chance Podcast.

Not a damn chance podcast. There you go. There's a free plug. There goes Philip. And Nate Ortiz. Anything else crazy we should know about you? You seem like you have a lot of backstory to me. My ex-girlfriend was non-binary. Whoa. What was his name? We wore the same bra.

Was it always non-binary, or did that happen when you were dating it? I didn't know until we were fucking. And then what did you find out? You used the wrong pronoun while you were fucking? She kept calling me brother, you know, like Hulk Hogan. Oh, damn. RIP. I was like, wait, what? No, I had a lot of hard times with whatever.

Because, like, I couldn't figure out words to say during an argument. argument, you know, so I just kept saying shit my dad said, so I was like, hey, calm down, slugger. Yeah. You got that one, champ. You can't call her a bitch. You got to be like, hey, fine. Jerk. The whole thing's so weird to me. Was she non-binary when you started dating her? No, she looked beautiful, dude, and then we got together and then cut all her hair off. and what else changed other than the haircut her pits got hairier and what else changed

her legs got everything got hairier that was wow it was not a good experience and was she on medication at the time I don't know liberalism I don't know

like no but I liked it because she was the only one to allow me to just face fuck all night which was really great but what do you mean by that exactly you mean do cocaine I put fupa on the chin

Tony that was ugh oh fuck me all right well you know what you actually did good so here's a big joke there you go just throwing joke books of people

he's bouncing them right off there oh okay thank you guys there he goes There he goes. All right, another bucket pool. We are back into the 80s. It's 80.2 degrees, for those of you paying attention.

Somehow it's getting warmer again, everybody. Who likes it hot in here? Okay. Hey, by the way, Dean didn't do shit. Huh? Where the fuck is Dean? Yeah, Dean fucked up. He gave us two degrees less.

Yeah. Fuck Dean. Bring Dean's bitch ass down here. I'm going to shave his head. Give him a crew cut. Tell him to start acting right. Pulled another name, let's go. 60 Second Sun Interrupted for Joe Filey.

Joe Filey. Whoa, hey, hey. Fuck yeah, mother shit. God damn. Getting real tired getting called white trash. I like that I'm like upper middle class trash. You know what I mean? Like, we got some money with the problems.

My sister invents her own parties and holidays. Like, she had a skin tone reveal. party. If you don't know what that is, it's just she fucked three guys that year and didn't have health insurance, and they all came to the hospital. My dad held the baby up like Lion King style. It was like a skin tone. And it was crazy because, like, I don't know, it sounds horrible I have to say it, but like, how good is my sister's pussy? Because, like, as a white guy, you know how good the pussy would have to be for me to go with a black guy and a Mexican guy to the hospital to find out if it's my kid.

And then you still stay around and raise the black kid as the white guy. Like, it was crazy. Two days before, I was 12, and two days before, I knew that the baby was going to be black. Because we were in the hospital, and the black guy's like, yo, I need to go

get some milk. And left the hospital. Like, they have it here. All right, that's my time. Thank you all. Joe Piley. Good job, Joe. Thank you, thank you. You've been on this show before.

Am I correct? Or have I just seen you hiding under my bed when I was a kid? I mean, the bed, the bridge, but yeah, this is my third time on here. Hell yeah, welcome back, Joe. This had to be your best set of them all. For sure, for sure. Yes, absolutely. You've been working hard.

Oh, yeah, working and just, I don't know, not partying as much. Hell yeah, absolutely. What kind of partying? were you doing? Oh, there's a lot of Coke. Well, I mean, the bag said Coke on it, but it tasted funny, but there was a lot of coke for a while there.

A lot of shrooms, LSD, weed. It's 6th Street. There's no rules here. I don't make the rules of 6th Street. Absolutely. Incredible. And how long has it been since you had the operation

to remove the backside horse part of your body? About 2,000 years, Tony. Incredible. Incredible. I still want to make wishes every time I see you, Joe. Listen, they're saying there's nothing wrong with the water in East Palestine, so I'm going to keep drinking the tap water in Ohio.

You know what I mean? Yeah, where are you from? Well, Youngstown, Ohio. Oh, nice. You are from Youngstown, Ohio? Yeah, I grew up on, well, South Bonner, then East Florida have in Youngstown. Holy shit.

Yeah. Wow, look at you. Even for Youngstown, you're weird-looking, dude. I'm the one white guy in the hood they didn't fuck with. I have a look, I know. That is incredible. Yeah, I didn't know it was White Hood. I thought it was Amish.

No, it's not. The same beard. It's not Amish at all in Youngstown, unfortunately. There's very few people that look like Joe Filey. I could see why the black people would get scared of you. I scared the shit out of it. Get the fucking. All right.

I was the needle in the haystack, I guess you would say. That was definitely. Huh? I said, I was the needle in the haystack for sure in Youngstown. That was... Right. Yeah. For sure.

What do you do for work, Joe Filey? Right now, I work at a weed shop on 6th Street. Okay. All right. God damn, can you imagine buying weed? I must have a good face for selling weed. They love it. I don't know if it's like the brow ridge, but they come in like, honey, this weed works.

Fuck the THCA label. Like, we're getting the weed. Right. No doubt about it. They're like, this weed will make your eyes move apart from what. another. You have a girlfriend? No.

Fuck, no. What's dating, like, being, looking, having a... What, like, me? Have you heard of the dollhouse ATX? I know you're sponsored by the Yellow Rose. Uh-huh, and Red Rose. But the Dollhouse ATX is way doper. It's like Pornhub, but you like rent the chick by the hour.

You like, they have a search bar. Each chick has like categories. They're probably going to shut. Look, Red Man's nodding. He knows. Oh, red band knows. Well, well, well, well. Look who's been playing at the dollhouse.

The craziest part was you followed it with the Sunset page. I can grab my... When I follow the page... Oh, bust it. Order in the court, we hereby find the defendant completely guilty. Yo, isn't it your wife here? You could see her at the dollhouse tonight. No. No, actually, I heard about it from Joe White of all.

right of all ways. Don't, okay. Is it the place where you could, like, rent, like a room? Yeah, that's what he just said. Oh, yeah, it's like Liam Neeson style. They put sheets in the bigger rooms to divide them up. What's the craziest thing you've done at the dollhouse ATX? Oh, God.

What? There was, like, this poor little Colombian chick, and it was like the... I wanted a Charlie Sheen, so like... Hold on, nice and slow. Poor little Colombian chick. She didn't happen to have a 13 chick. But I wanted a Charlie Sheen, so like I put some coke on my dick. I had her snored it and sucked the rest.

And like, midway through the suck, she was like, 200 more and I just paid it to her because it was work. That's not even a lie. Like I could. Wow. I wish it wasn't. My parents are going to see this. They're huge fans.

Yeah. Absolutely. They are going to see what you're up to. They're also definitely siblings. Yeah. Yeah. So, 200 bucks, and you basically got a blowjob at a strip club? Yeah, kind of halfway.

This is a ringing endorsement for Dollhouse ATX. I mean, I almost feel bad for the Red Rose and Yellow Rose because this is quite the ad read. Listen, they don't have no Heidi's at the Dollhouse, all right? If you're going to the Dollhouse or Heidi, they don't... No doubt about it. They have running Hydeys. Oh, it's...

You can run, but you can't Heidi. The chicks there probably look like you. There's a couple. Yeah. There's a $50 menu for sure. There's like a 3 p.m. happy hour. My God. It's fourth meal.

So you make money at the weed shop and then you lug it over to the dollhouse ATX. Oh, that's like a once every two-month thing. That's like a red lobster. You know what I mean? Like every two months you can go. You get some cheddar bay biscuits. You really are from Youngst.

That confirms that everyone in Youngstown thinks Red Lobster is in every two-month celebration. It really is. I was shocked when I grew up and got just a little bit of success and was like, oh, wow, this is not the best restaurant in the world. It's incredible. I was tricked for the first 18 or 19 years of my life. I went after my confirmation. It was a big deal. Red Lobster was huge. The best.

I mean, you could just count on it. Just count on it. Big shrimp cocktail. All the biscuits? Come on. Come on. No doubt about it. So.

So you're getting coke on your dick with a sex slave at the place? Sex slave. In Thailand, they felt like sex slave, Shane. Oh, you went to Thailand? Yeah, I've been to Bangkok before. Holy shit. I have this look, brother. Like, they know what...

When I landed in Thailand, there's like 30 bitches there. Like, he's the one. You probably... If you learn Russian, you'll be fucking... sick, dude. You look like a Dagestani wrestler. I can't fight at all. I carry a gun. Fuck that. CCW class was like eight hours and you're just as tough as them. We're going to read a couple of Yelp reviews here for Dollhouse ATS.

Here we go. Here we go. We went in here thinking it was a sex shop. We were half right. They have a very small collection of lingerie and sex toys, but they have several women there in lingerie. So I think they might be in the business of selling something, all capital letters, else. If you want sex toys, go next door. It has a much larger selection. Wait, who the fuck wrote that?

It says Matt M. Nick. Some piece of shit named Matt M wrote that. I was on the search for a giant dildo and there was a bunch of naked ladies wanted to have sex with me. Yeah, exactly. I hated it.

There's a four-star review from James. Here we go. It starts with, this is how you know it's good, it starts with, okay, here's the deal. You go in, and there's a lobby. Costs $65 just to get into the main area.

Is that true? It's like $55 on Sunday nights and Monday night. Wow, look at that. No, discount. Yeah. Early bird special. Working on a budget. If you want a private show,

it costs another $65, and you pick your model, and if there's more than one working there, you've already spent $130 to get a non-new dance. If you want nudity, it's $100. Is that true? 75 on Sunday. There you go. So to get in from the lobby and get a full new dance, it costs $165 total any day but Sunday.

If you have money to burn and like the idea of being in your own room, one-on-one with a hot model dancing and grinding in your lap, it's cool. I personally prefer that to going to say Yellow Rose, where there's too many drunk assholes making the place. No, my God. I'm sorry. Sorry to our great sponsors. This is fucked up. Look what you've done. I'll mention you when I go there next. No, no, it's okay. No, it's all right. Shout out. Shoutouts to kill Tony. What's the worst thing that's ever happened to you at the dollhouse AT? Oh, I don't like anything in my butt. And the one chick was too hot to say no, so I just let her play a little bit. Whoa. What did she put in here? I didn't realize, like, the nice day had two drawers. So she opened the first one.

And I don't know, you look at, like, level one through five. And it's like, I can take five, but let's start with one. And I didn't know there was, like, a level six through ten in the second drawer down. I made it to eight without yelling, so that was... Were you facing the other way or something? You just didn't see what was going on? Like, you're face down in the bed, and, like, you're peeping over. Like, she's holding your...

She doesn't want you to see what's in the drawer. Right. Right. And how much... Wait. Didn't, wait, you're paid, right? Yeah. Yeah, you could have spoke up. Yeah, when number five was in your aspect,

let me talk to a manager right now. That's ridiculous. She was the manager. That was the manager special. Oh, shit. Wow. It was a $75 manager special on a Sunday, and I got pegged, all right?

Wow. This place is going to be packed on Sundays from now on. This is completely backfired. Backfired is also what happened that day for you. You have a big joke book from here yet? I got a couple. You have a couple big joke books? I mean, they're pretty full.

Perfect. There you go. Fill them up. Thank you, sir. There goes Joe Filey, ladies and gentlemen. All right. Let's do one more bucket pool. We've had a lot on today.

We've been flying through these interviews, believe it or not. Make some noise for your final bucket. How about another hand for Heidi, everybody? Your final bucket pull of the night makes some noise for Ramos, everyone. Or Ramb. Or Ramos. Oh, hey.

Hello, hello. So last time I was here, it was thinking about bags and boxes. Yeah, and I actually worked for a moving company. I was telling Tony that. You know, one time I was moving this dude and I thought he had Down syndrome, so I'm looking him weird.

He's looking at me wear, and I'm like, man, I don't know, you know. So I'm trying to be off extra soft. And then he said, like, yo, I went to ASU, and I grew up in Phoenix, so I'm like, oh, where? Yeah. I did shrooms and I smoked weed and drank and shit. And I'm like, wait a minute, they let people with Down syndrome do that shit, you know? That's not normal. And then at the end of the job, he gave us like $60.

So I knew he didn't have downs because I was like, otherwise he would have gave us, like, cheese its, maybe some jelly beans. Like a single marshmallow But you gotta take it It's gonna stick to your fingers But you gotta take it You can't not say no, right? Yeah, that's my name, Ram B, thank you Is that short of a minute?

Yeah, okay 50 seconds from Raymous I'll take it, I'll take it, Ram B actually Ram B, actually Yeah, I think there was something Yep, there's a little space You left a space between the line down And that S

You might have called the wrong name No, I didn't, it's your hand I'll take it. I'll take it. I'll take it. You see that? Can you confirm that looks like a Ramos? No. Separation between the... 100% RAM. Ram B. R-I-M-B.

Yeah. Oh, but you're saying... Right, because it doesn't connect. Yes. I even did a capital B. That's you. Yeah, that's you. It's RAM. B. Yeah, but you spelled it like lamb.

Yeah. Okay. Ram. That's fair. That's fair. And the set was bad. How long you've been doing stand-up, Rambi? I moved here in 2021, and I did about 10 open mics in Wisconsin before that, so about four years.

But I have taken some months off because of life shit, you know, my dad, my pops past and some other stuff. Damn it. I'm just being honest. I'm just being honest. But I have stayed consistent with writing through that four years. So I've been doing the four years, basically. That was a roundabout stayed away four years. Yep, got it.

How did dad die? Leukemia. He beat it once and then it came back. Wow. He beat leukemia once. Leukemia is your mom's name? Depends on who you ask, I guess. All right.

She's gonna love that joke. I love it. To be honest. So, how do you make money? I work at a call center internet company. that company, but I can't say it, you know what I'm saying? You like it?

It works for right now. What are the hours like? When do I get there or what are the hours? No, I'm joking. 10 to 7. Okay. Do you have any trouble waking up in the morning? You know, before this job, I didn't, you know, I was an early riser.

And now I'm like, you know what? Fuck it, I'm asleep to about 9.30. You know, like, you know, I gave myself some leeway. What do you do? It's like, it's like a, what you call it, self-care? Sure. What do you do at night time? for fun.

I go do mics and then I also play. Wow. Random police button from Redda. I dodge cops. But I dodge cops on Red Day Redemption too. That's the kind of shit I do. You know what I mean? Have you ever gotten arrested?

Never. Actually, do you know what's funny? There's a lot of people get surprised that I've never been to jail. And when they meet me and talk to me longer, they're like, I can't even fucking believe it. But it's just because I've been lucky, to be honest. Wow. You never heard of Sammy the Bull?

Yeah. All right. Well, I was in Arizona, and at the time, about, like, 22 years old, now to think about it, maybe I shouldn't say this. No, go ahead. Fuck it. Go ahead. Let it out.

Yeah. Taxes will probably get me before this anyway. But he was doing like an ecstasy ring, and my dude that I was living with was dealing ecstasy. And every now, we'd make a few bucks on the weekend or whatever, you know? And then all of a sudden, we saw the dude that we were getting the pills from in the parking lot on the news and that was I wasn't a very good drug dealer that was the end of my drug dealing days right there wow yeah 23 people were in that ecstasy ring out you can go look it up

it's real shit wow yeah and you were in it but you didn't no no no no no no no no tony's not incriminating rammed today oh ramus as you say yeah ramus ramus is gonna be in real let's be clear rambi I love it what's your love life like rambi we talked about this last time I don't remember I was back to the bags and boxes, and I sang the song about the girl not calling me back, you know. Yeah, so she still ain't called. I'm chilling, man. I'm, you know, I'm really just trying to build my life up

and not really worry about that side of my life because, you know. No kids? My daughter's 21, living her life, doing her thing. Wow. Yeah, doing very good, actually, yeah. Okay, great. College and everything and shit. How much did you contribute to that child being a success?

I raised her half. I lived in Wisconsin for 20 years, which was very much a sacrifice. Yeah. Yeah. After growing up in Phoenix, it was like, fuck this shit. Hey. And how do you? Wait, we're in Phoenix.

No, no, no. How'd you end up in Wisconsin? Because her mom was from Wisconsin, and so we moved there. And so I stayed there after we broke up to raise her. White mom? 50%, yeah, white mom. Of course. How did the white parents take to you moving to Wisconsin?

Pops will, right? Can you give an example of what that means? These people have no idea. All right. The whole family hates me. Let's just be right. But how do you know? I've given us an example.

Oh, man, that's rough, man. Because they might see this. They might. So what's one good little story? You're not naming them out by name. Could be any family. You ever have somebody look at you like this? Like for way too long, right?

Like that? Yeah. It was constantly that. You know what I mean? Yeah. Even at Thanksgiving, like you're supposed to have a good, hey, let's hang out, hey. They never said anything disrespectful or anything, though, nothing in particular, just to look. I almost followed some family members, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Wisconsin was an interesting time. I'll just say that, yeah. Like, I recently went back there and a bar owner looked at me across the bar for a while, like, I think I know this motherfucker. Like, I'm serious. And he just kept looking at me. And I'm like, why is he looking at me?

And I forgot that I had tried to fight him about 10 years ago. Yeah. Yeah. You know. How could you forget about that? Well, you know, you live a lot. I'm 47, so if you live a life where you kind of fault some people, you forget. And it's 2 a.m.

And he accused me of something I didn't do. So I was extra charged. And he's behind the bar yelling to me. And I'm like, hey, I'll fuck you up type shit. Yeah. Well, I didn't. I'm proud of myself, actually. And I'm very much matured.

I wouldn't fight nobody these days. Incredible. You're 47 years old. Yeah. You've successfully raised a 21-year-old daughter. Yes, sir. You've avoided getting arrested. Yeah.

I'm a fucking miracle right now, right? Yeah. What's your secret? What's your secret? I was born in six months, two pounds, right? Wow. So I've been a miracle over and over again. All them stats?

I'm like LeBron, right? You know what I'm saying? Like, I'm 47 and I'm still going, baby. You know what I'm saying? Amazing. I really feel that way. Like, I wake up every morning, like, you're LeBron. Fuck you.

And then you go to a call center and take calls. Yeah, I know, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, I know. I know. Someone's just yelling, get him, Shane. Let's go, Shane. No, I appreciate it. Hey, I wish to have a drink. They took my drink away.

They took your drink? I had some vodka. I had to sit it down. They take your drink? Yeah, well, I couldn't bring it down the alley. You know, I couldn't do that. You can't. You would have got away with that.

We could do a black fist up. There you go. All right, Ramby. I appreciate so. You already have a big joke book? No, I got a small one. Well, guess what, buddy? You're getting the Extra Dark Edition.

Kiltonee jokebook. Congratulations to Ram B. Not Ramos at all. It's Ram B. All right. It's been a hell of an episode. The hottest episode in the history of Kiltoni. We went from the 80s to the 70s, back to the 80s.

And I'm pleased to report that we are back at 70. 99.9 degrees right now. 50% humidity, a very rare treat. It does not work for comedy at all. But you guys are a bunch of superheroes, and we thank you. Congratulations to you. And for your herodom, you shall be rewarded.

Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you the record holder for all-time appearances on this show, all-time interviews on this show. The reigning defending Hall of Famer, the Emperor of ExpressVPN, the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. to my father back of Memphis, which was weird as shit. It's like, how do you even get his fucking address?

But I'm really excited of Ozzy Osbourne died yeah, 30 years ago. I'm doing my first intervention tomorrow and I've got a ton of anxiety because I just don't know, I don't know what to wear. And that's a true one. Okay, let's keep it moving. Ah, it's sad.

If you don't want me to join a cult, quit wearing all those groovy clothes and your propaganda videos. And do we get free juice? Sign me the fuck up. Free love, no taxes, VIP access to a spaceship heading to heaven, and I get to wear the most stylish fits.

Presbyterian church, C.S. down. Ask it for that 10% tithe shit. My cult keeps it. God damn it, I messed that part of it. Presbyterian church, C.O.S. down. Asking for that 10% tithe. Shit, my colt wants 100% of my assets, and they're gonna keep it 100.

You know what I'm saying? Have y'all seen the trailer for the new moderate to severe plaque psorias' commercial? Okay, that's my time. William Montgomery has done it again. Again. All right, yo. I got you, yeah, the intervention's tough.

Yeah. Yeah, I wore a fucking Notre Dame coach's polo to my sister's intervention. It sat in a hotel in Pittsburgh, like, you gotta make some change. So, what do you wear to that? You can't wear something cool. You gotta go, I know, I know.

Tucks is fucking crazy. Talks is a move. I know you're doing heroin. My name is Bond. Yeah, maybe a coat and tie. I don't have a tucks, but I have a suit. Maybe a suit could work. Yeah.

Or you could go Notre Dame coaches, but it worked. My sister stopped doing heroin. Well, too bad. I fucking can't stand Notre Dame, dude. I'm a Florida Gators fan. I cannot stand after the whole fucking, after the whole Manticai Teo debacle, y'all handle. I can't stand Notre Dame.

No, no, no. How was that a debacle, dude? He was innocent. Also, yeah, whatever. You guys are totally irrelevant these days. so whatever. You had a good run. Maybe this year.

Okay, but... You had a good run. William, this is incredible. This intervention... This intervention you're doing, is this for a family member, a friend? What are they on? Are they having a good time or a tired time?

I don't know. Think of a tired time. They're sleepy. They're sleepy. Yes, very sleepy. Yeah, I had a sleepy intervention myself. Yeah, very... Is that the one with Notre Dame jersey or was that another one?

Notre Dame coaches polo. What was your sister just getting really sleepy? She was on drugs and stuff? Yeah. Like downers? Yeah, heroin. And then, yeah, that makes you not off. And I think that's the situation I'm dealing with.

Yeah. Well, are they mean a lot now? Have they turned mean when they're not on it? Are they stealing stuff a little? A little bit. Yeah, yeah. I can't have them over in my apartment anymore. That's probably heroin.

And there you go, what the fuck? Yeah. But it's surprising how quickly they come back. You go, there's that person I liked. Well, good luck. I'm praying. Thank you. What's your speech?

What's your speech going to be? Yeah, can you give us an example? Stop doing it. Yeah, dude, do that. You deserve it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You got to stop doing that shit, man. We're a word about your motherfucking ass.

Dude. We need you. eating Cheddar Bay Biscuits again. He literally is not hungry anymore. He used to go to fucking that place with me all the time. But yeah, we're going to get him eating Cheddar Bay biscuits again. We're going to get it figured out. Are you saying Cheddar Day?

Cheddar Bay Biscuits? Cheddar Bay. Yeah, Cheddar Bay Biscuits. But yeah, oh my gosh, Tony, this past weekend, just to look at old sets, I watched every single, and I've never done this. And Tony, I want to say my heart was melting a little bit because when I'm doing these jokes, I don't really ever see y'all's reactions too much.

Are people up here in reaction? And it always made me smile to myself when I could see your ass laughing at some of my jokes. And Red Band, I do have to say, I don't feel horrible about talking about your slutty-ass mom every single time. It was like probably in a hundred sets of mine. I was talking shit about your mom.

So I did have a very nice weekend just reminiscing over these times. I had never gone back and watch them. All three, yeah. Redband, you brought those prop glasses just for this moment with William? You've been wearing? These are real glasses.

But you put them on now? Yeah, I always put them on at the end. So I don't forget him. Wait, you never noticed that? He always puts his glasses on at the end. No. No, he's never done that before. Come on, man. It's a classic Kiltown.

When the glasses come on, you know, it's wrapping up. What do you think about Red Band's glasses, William? I think they make them look a lot smarter. And I had been worried. He's been looking kind of stupid recently. And I think... I think, thank God, with those glasses.

They make you look a lot smarter. Redbane, I'm kidding. You look like a weird homeless kind of person. You look scary with those glasses. I take them off. Are those even prescription glasses, Redband? Yes, they are. They are?

How much do they cost? 350. That's embarrassing, dumb ass. I was thinking you're going to say something like that. So, William. But no, in Redmond, you actually do look better. I swear to God, you somehow used to look worse, I think. But, yeah, I mean, you still look okay.

You're getting worse, but... Is this the intervention that you were playing? Yes, yeah, Red Man, we have to get you about of your apartment, man. I mean, we have to get you. I know you've been holed up there a long time. We know you're fucking super depressed. You've been on VR way longer than normal recently.

My girl's a stripper at the dollhouse, man. My girl's a stripper at the doghouse, man. Tell us about this new plaque and psoriasis commercial. Not many of us have seen it. just this nasty looking bitch walking around with all these fucking, like it looks like she got real sunburned on different parts of her body. That's what plaques psoriasis says. It's like this nasty disease people get. I don't know if it's sexually transmitted. I don't know how people get it, but it's just this real sickening disease people get. But yeah, no, so the commercial

seems really good. It's just getting more. It's going to get people on these pills. Have you, let's go back to the intervention first. second. Have you planned a speech for this? Have you written a speech? I was starting to write some earlier. And I'm going to have to really fit. I'm going to finish it up tomorrow. Don't do it. Don't read like a, yeah. So I shouldn't read? Yeah, what do you think? Do I go from the heart? Do a brand new minute for the way. I would, yeah, go from the heart on the intervention. If you read, it's crazy. It better kill. It better kill. It's like everybody reads like it's a fucking best man speech. I sat in the room and everyone was like, oh, oh, I'm.

I'm a little nervous. Yeah. This is about her. Yeah, let it rip. Yeah, okay. Let it flow. Oh, thank you to the fucking horrible person that belts right there.

We're talking about a friend of mine that's quite literally dying. And I hear this monster burp right there. That was you? This is a nice homosexual couple right here. But you burping on his dick, big! Wow. It's amazing how you do that.

It makes the whole place. light up all crazy. Tony, I am stinking tonight. This is weird. I swear I think they did the formulation of Old Spice Deodorant differently, dude. I've been starting to stink at night now. Ooh.

Yeah. It's never happened before. I've never stunk like this. This is a new thing. Have you changed your diet at all? I just met a mucal out the frame. I'm up to four cups of it a day, and I did shit twice today,

which is great, because I did go away span of time of three days this past week without shitting. Wow. But I'm doing so much row. I'm at 720 miles on the row machine since January, so I just feel like the, my body's actually really using all the bananas, all the stuff I'm eating, is going straight to my muscles, is what my guess is. So that's why I'm not doo-doing, because all the, like, the peanut butter crackers, fucking bananas and shit, going straight to my muscles.

What else goes straight to your muscles? Give us some examples of things that go straight to your muscles. I mean, you know I'm drinking a fucking protein shake with scum. But, no, weirdly enough, a lot of jelly beans. I think a lot of these sports people are saying, go down on the sugar, no, jelly beans are good. The popcorn, the buttered popcorn, jelly beans. I'm all up in those right now, 30.

And I'm going to bring something to the intervention tomorrow. Ooh. I feel like everybody loves a... Yeah, get them hooked on something. Yeah. Yeah. Hooked on something else. You think that's good?

Try this shit. Yeah, try these jelly beans. But I got to tell you, a lot of heroin people, they're going to go straight to candy as soon as they get done. He's going right to those jelly beans. Yeah, yeah. If it's heroin. Whatever.

Is it heroin? Is that the main drug of the person getting the intervention? Yeah, amongst cornucopia of other things. Ooh, cornucopia. He's told a heroin N plus. Other stuff. Oh, yeah, it's time for an intervention. Wow.

Hurry that up. Yeah. I've never heard you use the word cornucopia before, William. Are there any other new words in your vocabulary this week that you're excited about? Just a little spot. Licensed. Whoa. All right.

Wait. Didn't even activate the lights. You got sad horns on that one? Sometimes when you're not passionate about it, you get barely a drum, sad horns, and barely any lights. Assessor. You should do poly substance drug user.

poly substance drug user that's what your friend is oh a poly substance drug user poly substance drug user there you go the words this is a hard one Tony I'm so sorry I mean I'm really

screwing up on this one I can't you can say anything honestly the ones that you don't really know that aren't that exciting are kind of funnier than the crazy ones a new word This week from William Montgomery.

We're almost there. And here, we go. Could be anything in the world. I got to tell you, it's impossible. I'm trying to think of one word. I can't think of one word. Wyoming. Words are tough.

Yeah. Domino! Wow. Look at that. What's the world? What's the one thing that you're hoping at the end of this intervention tomorrow? What's the one thing that you're

hoping that the person that you're giving the intervention to will not say? I'm not going to stop using drugs. That's William Montgomery. This has been the hottest episode of Kiltonian history. We were able to get it down to 79.2 degrees. Guys, the drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in.

How loud can you guys get for our guests tonight? Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker, everybody. You did it. Brought to you by ExpressVPN. Tires Season 2. Matt and Shane's Secret Pod on Spotify, everywhere else. Anything else you guys want to plug or anything? Matt.

I'll be in Atlantic City, August 16th. Hell yeah. Atlantic City Ocean Casino Resort. Please come. The Kill Tony. Yeah. Thank you. Matt McCusker and Shane

The band will be a blue note in New York City, the Monday after Madison Square Garden, 818, 818. You got it. This episode brought you by ExpressVPN. One more time for the best damn band in the land, and our guest, Shane Gillis and Matt McCusker. Red Band. Check out the Secret Show every Thursday,

sunset strip, ATX.com. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you so much. Good night, everybody. Thank you. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday.

Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets. You're going to be. Hi, I'm Heather Macdonald. Gossip enthusiast, podcast queen, and long-time time loyalist to Amazon Prime. Between next day prime deliveries, binge-worthy shows, and playlists that keep me company while digging into the latest gossip, Prime is my silent co-hosts. The truth is, Prime doesn't just support my passions. It fuels them from spontaneous curiosities to full-blown obsessions. It's got my back. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.com.ca. slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into.

This is Trixie Mattel, call host of The Bald and the Beautiful Podcast, drag queen, and Amazon Prime enthusiast. And I'm Katya, interpretive dancer, chaos agent, and someone who orders from Amazon Prime more often than I check my email. That's true. Yeah.

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