KILL TONY - #732 - ALI SIDDIQ + KIM CONGDON

Episode Date: August 19, 2025

Ali Siddiq, Kim Congdon, Ari Matti, Kam Patterson, William Montgomery,Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas, Matthew Muehling,Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, Brian Redban - RECORDED–08/04/2025 Sign up for your one-dollar-per-month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony. OpenPhone is offering our listeners 20% off of your first 6 months at https://openphone.com/killtony See why 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. Just go to https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony right now to try it FOR FREE. Download the Prizepicks app today and use code TONY to get $50 instantly after you play your first $5 lineup https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY Protect your online privacy TODAY by visiting  https://expressvpn.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shopsquad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killedon. Tony. Hey, this is Rambay, coming you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas, for a brand new episode of Kill Tony.

Give it over! Tony! Hitch! Go ahead! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? Yoo-wee! Brilliant Red Band, ladies and gentlemen. And that is the best damn band in all of the land, everyone.

Raul Vallejo, Fernando Castillo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, The great Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, the leader of the band, John Dees on the keys, and the backbone, the one and the only, the notorious D madness, ladies and gentlemen on the base. Oh my God, what a show we are going to have tonight. We're happy to have you all before we get started.

Here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible, especially zipper shopperify prize picks and open phone but here's some more hi i'm hether mcdonald gossip enthusiast podcast queen and long-time loyalist to amazon prime between next day prime deliveries binge-worthy shows and playlist that keep me company while digging into the latest gossip prime is my silent co-hosts the truth is prime doesn't just support my passions it fuels them from spontaneous curiosities to full-blown obsessions it's got my back whatever you're into it's on prime visit Amazon.ca slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into.

This is Trixie Mattel, call host of The Bald and the Beautiful Podcast, drag queen, and Amazon Prime enthusiast. And I'm Katya, interpretive dancer, chaos agent, and someone who orders from Amazon Prime more often than I check my email. That's true. Yeah. Prime gives us fast delivery that makes unpacking almost glamorous, endless streaming of our favorite shows, which we call research, and music playlists that are both chaotic and

calming. Prime isn't just convenient. It's a gateway to trying new things. It helps us discover new obsessions and dive deeper into old ones. From one day delivery to top shows to music, whatever you're into, it's on Prime. Visit amazon.ca slash prime to get more out of whatever you're into. Hey there, it's Heather McDoll from JuicyScoop and I have the juiciest of them all on Audible. Romance has always been a crowd-placing genre on their platform and there's more to imagine when you listen to their expansive collection. They have audio. books to satisfy every side of you. I'm talking about the Romantasy genre, which is huge on book talk right now with authors like Sarah J. Mass and Devney Perry. Get your first great

love story for free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show, or what? Every single week, two of the best comedians in the world I book on this show. This week, no different. One of them as the most watched.

special of 2025, including 10 specials available on YouTube. The other one is one of the original regulars of the show. Twelve years ago, she was forced under the cruel tutelage, unheard of at the time of writing and performing a new minute every single week for the internet. Today, she is one of the best female stand-up comedians in all of the world. Our guests tonight, Ali, Sadiq, and Kim Kongden, everybody. Fuck yes.

Oh shit. Kim Congdon. Allie Sadiq. His new special is on YouTube at Allie Sadiq comedy. He's on tour, Ali Sadiq.com. Kim Congdon.com. On tour, Nashville, Tacoma, Charlotte, Fort Wayne, Dallas. Welcome back, guys.

You've both done this show before. This episode brought to you by ZipRecruiter, Shopify prize picks, and open phone. Just made an extra few tens of thousands of dollars there. Don't mind me. Yes. Business is booming. Welcome back, guys. Ali, how are you?

I am wonderful. I'm doing great. Making a lot of money. Damn right. Can they do that money sign thing for me? Yeah, let's do it one more time. We love that. Did the lights go a little bit? Do it again. Do it again, red band.

Wow, amazing. You guys are, I love the Firework Edition there for no reason. Nobody asked for that. Nobody asked for that. Kim, how you feeling? I'm doing great. Can you do the money sign, but stop it halfway? Yes.

She's coming up the ranks. Kim Congman.com for tickets. Yes. That's right. You guys know how it works. About 300 comedians signed up for the chance to get pulled out of this bucket. They do a minute uninterrupted.

You know their time is up and you're the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up there else they bring out the Angry West Hollywood Bear. And then I interrupt them, and we talk about their lives, about their set, about anything that might be more interesting that they possibly could talk about or anything interesting about their lives whatsoever. The whole thing's improvised, anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

While we go wrangle the comedian from the bar next door that I just pulled out of the bucket, we are going to start with a very, very special comedian. While he's not a regular and he's not a golden ticket winner, He's been on only one time ever before, but I want to see more of them. I think everybody wants to see more of them. I kind of think he's an instant legend in my mind. Make some noise for the long-awaited return. Kicking off tonight's show with a brand new minute,

this is Sir Winston Pickles. Anybody else relieved when a severe weather warning turns out to be just an amber elate? I've actually lost my cell phone. I accidentally put it in Malaysian airplane mode, so that's gone. I've been married twice, buried my first wife. Shallow grave in the woods. No, that's just a joke, everyone. She's under the patio.

The second marriage, that ended when I found out my wife was a swinger. I know, I had no clue, no idea. I left work early one Friday, sneaked home, crept in the house, snuck up the stairs, open the bedroom door, there she was. She'd hanged herself. She was swinging So Winston Pickles Hell yes

Welcome back, my friend I love your style A dark, dirty, evil clown You are so photogenic videographic I'm not exactly sure what the word is, but you play well on this show. Thank you.

I have my mother's eyes. Yes. They're in a mason jar, but I have them. Wait, what? They're in a mason jar. Oh, Jesus Christ. See what I'm talking about? He just got me again.

I've been Sir Winston Pickled. Fuck, yeah. I love your style, Sir Winston Pickles. Remind us, how long you've been on stand-up now? Six years of stand-up, ten years as a clown. Right. Six years of stand-up, ten years. in white face.

Absolutely incredible. Fun times. Is this your guys' first time seeing Sir Winston Pickles, Allie? Yes, and I'm terrified. I don't fuck with clowns, man. And I'm sitting in like, ugh, do a magic trick.

He'll run away. Sir Winston Pickles, you're both British and a clown. But imagine black people really are freaked out by you. Fred of me, yes. Yeah. I haven't seen my neighbors, no. You have black neighbors?

Yes, apparently. Oh, OK. He's British. He's so white. This is, like, actually black face for him. So Winston Pickles, what do you do when you're not clowning around or doing stand-up? Yeah, I collect things.

Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. Yeah, like what? Allie? People. What do you collect? Well, my greatest accomplishment was getting the fingerprint

of a school friend. Fingertip. Yes, a school friend. A school friend. Junior school, yes. He cut his fingertip off in wood shop and I picked it up, thought the hospital would need it,

and I kept it. This is one of those moments where it's not a bit. And we're watching this thing that's going to happen. It's a true story. We're in the documentary right now, you guys. Did you put it in? I put it in and I thought the hospital would need it.

I mean, very mind I was only nine. Yeah. You were doing the right thing. Then nobody asked for it, so I kept it. Wow. What type of spooky shit is this thing? It is, that is freaky. That part's freaky.

Do you ever, do you ever, do you ever, Do you fall asleep in the makeup? Yeah, often, yes. Yeah. Do you ever fall asleep? I love it, Sir Winston Pickles. His eyes are so red, too. Do you see how red they are?

They're so scared. That's all these vaping fuckers. It affects your eyes. Yes. He has a San Antonio Mexican lady's eyebrows. Boot. Ali Sadiq. You're damn right he does.

Holy shit. I was wondering what looked familiar about you. That's what it is. Absolutely incredible. Sir Winston, is there anything interesting about you that we haven't learned in any of the other parts of the two interviews that you've done? I left England and unbeknownst to anybody, I just took off.

I had a psycho bitch for her first wife and she came on from work and I'd already gone, moved to America. Just like that. Wow. True story. Did you ever call her and tell her? No, just left. Wow. Good for you.

Yeah. Allie. Saw chance got out of there. If he didn't have on the makeup, he'll be a pinky blinder. Sir Winston. That is true. Well, Sir Winston, you got tonight show started for us. Another solid new minute, starting with some dark clown fun.

I loved it. Thank you so much. Make some noise. The show has begun. Sir Winston Pickles has started it. And now we go to the bucket. Yes. And your next or your first bucket bowl of the night is you guys know.

this is where we meet somebody all together. Could be the next future star of the show. Could be a crazy person. Anything can happen. Make some noise. Your first bucket pool. One minute uninterrupted. Going to Jenny Ann, everybody.

Jenny Ann, starting off the bucket. Hi, everybody. My name's Jenny Ann. And I bought the sexiest car America's ever made. And no, it's not a Tesla cyber truck. It's a Mustang convertible from 1969. Yeah, probably the year some of you were born. And you're probably wondering, well, why do you have this car?

Well, I wanted to attract men who like beautiful, high-maintenance things over the age of 30. And now, and I wanted to impress my ex. and now I'm selling it because I want to impress my therapist and so you're probably wondering does it drive does it matter you're in a 69 Mustang does it turn on

doesn't matter you're in a 69 Mustang will it make your dad love you doesn't matter you're crying in a 69 Mustang thank you Jenny Ann with exactly one minute and

Zero punchlines. Incredible Jenny Ann. I don't even know where to begin with that. My God, unbelievable. The good news is you're already the seventh funniest stand-up female stand-up comedian in the world. I fucked that up. I fucked that up. Your bombing is airborne.

I just caught it. Got a taste of it. Jenny, how long have you been attempting stand-up comedy? Six months. Six months. Hell yeah. What made you want to start now? I need to sell 69 Mustang.

That seems to be it. That's a great way to do it. Yeah. Incredible Ali Sadiq. She looks like my financial advisor. That's a compliment. What do you do for work, Jenny Ann? Oh, boy. She's a financial advisor.

Are you really? You really are? Yeah, I work in venture capital. Wait, is she really your financial advisor? Allie said it like it was a joke, but this could really actually be your financial advisor. These people bring their whole entourages when they go do shows. All I'm telling you, that's my financial advisor, the caterer, the fucking personal chef, the this, the that. So how long have you been financial advising for?

I've been working in venture capital for over 10 years. Do you really have a 69 Mustang? I do. You can check it out at the 69 Mustang.com. Honestly, the whole thing sounds like a porn audition. She came in, she was like, so you're probably wondering. It's incredible. And so is all of the material that you've written in the past six months about this 69 Mustang?

And when I worked at NASA, yeah. Okay. Tell us about working at NASA. What was that like? Is the earth as flat as your chest? This is Kill Tony. She has hips, though. She does have hips.

Hips have been confirmed. What was NASA like, Jenny? What'd you do over there? It's like SpaceX's daddy. I know what NASA is. I'm asking you what NASA is. I'm asking you what you did at NASA. I worked in the bioengineering department on a project to grow algae in space.

Oh, catering. Yes. Catering for astronauts. Yes. Absolutely. Okay. All right, Jenny Ann. Where do you live?

In Austin. Okay. How long have you lived here? Since 21. 2021. Okay. Where were you at before that? California.

In space. In space. Bioengineering in space. Dude, even in space, they put us in the kitchen. Yeah. No, it's true. It is true. And in space, no one can hear y'all y'all yap all the time.

You know what I'm saying? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You left the toilet seed. All right. Jenny Ann. So what made you leave NASA and go into venture capitalism? I turned an old military vehicle museum into a hacker house, and I had like eight founders, and I wanted to learn how finance worked, and so I cold emailed and got a job in VC. Okay.

What do you do for fun? What do you do for fun? When you're not when you're not, right, write jokes that bomb. Right, right, right. But, I mean, like, when you're not doing that, what do you, you must, when you want to, like, let your hair down and take the glasses. off or whatever. I think she like plugs her clit into like a USB and

calls it a night. I'm pretty introverted so I like spend time with my friends. I go on walks. You go on walks, okay? That's from the therapist's advice as well. What do you do when you spend time with your friends?

What do you guys do together? You try to go to walk? What is it? What is it? We go on walks. We get dinner. We get drink. What do you do with your friends?

Wow, that's a good question, Jenny Ann. A bunch of highly detailed stuff that I would never tell you about because you'd be staring at me through the outside window. Because you have crazy energies, Jenny Ann. Do you have a sex swing? No. Her car is actually pretty awesome. Wow, what a follow-up.

Follow-up to the sex swing. Yes, we know what a 69 Mustang. Is that the actual website? That is so weird. You built a website to sell one 69 Mustang. Yes. You only have one for sale. Yes.

We can make t-shirts. But have you... You suck at selling this car. It's a beautiful car. How much are you asking for it? Whatever anyone wants to bid. Okay, this is retarded, Jenny Ann. This is crazy.

Whatever anyone wants to bid. Give her spots on Kiltony for it. No. Much like her jokes, I feel like it doesn't work. Yeah. Yeah. The red stripe. I'm pretty badass.

Yeah. All right. She has a Mustang gallery. That's what we're looking at. Yeah, it's just the one car. You're very type A. I'm actually pretty time. But yeah.

Jenny Ann. She'd lower that type. He's like, oh, I'm being. OK, Jenny Ann. I'm going to let you go. I'm going to let you go. She's heard that before. Yeah.

OK, I'm sorry. If he said it, it'd be funny. Did you have fun here tonight? Yeah, I did. OK. All right, here's a little joke book. Here we go. Boom.

Good catch, Jenny Ann. Wow, shocking. Shocking catch from Jenny Ann. All right. Here she goes. Go on, Jenny Ann. Back to where you came from. Back to obscurity for Jenny.

Oh, my God. Wow. Holy shit. Look at that. A woman with cleansing the room of Jenny Ann's energies. A woman with a fully operational vagina. I'm going to drink all of this water. Hello, you guys, it's Heather McDonnell, and I have a juicy scoop for you on Audible.

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of reality, of belief, of ourselves. So if you're ready to challenge the mainstream narrative, expand your mind, and discover what lies beyond the veil, hit follow and join me on this journey into the unknown. All right, back to the bucket we go. Let's see what happens here. Make some noise a minute from Jimmy Clifford, everybody. Jimmy Clifford.

Here we go. So my little sister is a conspiracy theorist. And the other day she walked up to me and she goes, hey, did you hear about this Helen Keller bullshit? And I was like, what was that, Alexa Jones? and she goes, yeah, my teacher's trying to peddle us some fake news saying this bitch was born blind and deaf, but I'm supposed to believe she learned how to read

and even gave speeches. I'm like, yeah, right, Biden was the president, and even he couldn't do both of those at the same time. I was like, Katie, Helen Keller was born blind and deaf. She goes, then how'd she learn how to read? And I was like, well, she had this teacher named Annie Sullivan. He used to teach her little symbols into her palm, and she learned to read that way,

to which my sister said, palm reading is a scam used to steal money from white women I'm like okay you got a point there I'll give you that one she goes how'd she learn how to talk and I went fuck yeah I don't know does anyone here know how she learned how to talk I had to look it up on Google apparently this is true Annie Sullivan used to take Helen's hands put it on her face

and in her mouth and she would feel the vibrations when she spoke and mimic those vibrations Imagine walking in on that shit. Just some poor little disabled girl finger banging your teacher's face over and over again. All right, Jimmy Clifford. Welcome with a super...

That was intense, Ollie. A super topical bit about Helen Keller learning how to make noises. I'm pretty sure that bit was old at the time that this Mustang convertible that's for sale was made. That was insane, Ollie. He looked at me like I did the growl.

I've been over here suffering listening to you and you're going to look at me like I did something. He didn't help me, Ollie. You let me drown. That's my job. That was actually the sound of Helen Keller trying to say hello. Kim Kongden.

I feel like we all wish we were blind in death during that. That was something else. Jimmy, how long you've been doing stand-up? Santa for like a decade. A decade. A decade. And you went with your Helen Keller. I went with the Helen Keller joke, you know. It was apparently a poor decision. But he spent five years of that explaining the 15 year olds who Nirvana was. So, all right. That was about as good as the Helen Keller joke. Thank you. Wow. Jesus. Having a Battle of the Titans here. Jimmy

Clifford versus Kim Kongden out of nowhere. So Jimmy, what made you choose that material tonight? I don't know. It felt mean, felt like this was the right room for it. It's what people do. They think that. It's interesting. Yeah, I don't know why. There was a fucking clown up two people ago.

It's a sweet little room. I don't know why you'd be mean or dark or anything like that. Yeah, how do you talk about Helen Keller, but be the retard? You, now Kim's piss. No, don't do the stand-up thing, Kim. Stay seated. We're not on Legion of Skanks right now where you have to like make sure everybody knows You were just funny.

Jimmy. Jimmy, what do you do for work? I'm a video editor. A video, what kind of videos are you editing? Child porn. Is it child porn, Jimmy? It's not child porn. What are you editing?

I edit all sorts of things. I edit a lot of online content where I make fun of people on Cameo. Okay. I mean, I feel like cameo is pretty topical for Kill Tony. Most of the regulars is how they make their day-to-day wage again dead silence after everything you say it's almost amazing like if we wanted to get room tone for audio we would just have you do a joke so we could hear make sure that we have

the ventilation and the light sound of lighting and everything edited out of the baseline sound it never gets quieter than when you try to make some noise in this room a jimmy so where do you live austin i live in austin for how long about four or five years and Where were you up before that? Jersey. Okay. You're from Jersey. What was that like?

Living in Jersey? Yeah. I mean, it was pretty good. I lived down the shore, so it was fucking nice. A lot, you know. I don't know. Have you been to Jersey? There's not really much I can say about it.

Okay. I guess not. Ten years in stand-up and a lifetime in Jersey. Not much to say. No. Either one of the things, I guess. What do you think the most interesting thing about your entire life? is Jimmy.

The most interesting thing about my entire life is, um, I married an immigrant. You're what? Yeah. I married an immigrant. Okay. Yeah. Where'd you meet the immigrant at? Scotland.

I went to Scotland. I went to Scotland. What made you go to Scotland? The Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Oh, okay. Yeah. So you went out there. It's happening right now.

Yep. And then what happened? You were at a coffee shop or what? screaming at people on the street to come to my comedy shows because, you know, I had to do something. Clearly, Killed Tony wasn't moving the tickets for me. So I barked her into a show.

She enjoyed it, and then she came back. Wow. Yeah. Wow. So she came up to you and she goes, I want I see a show? Yeah. And then after the show, what did you do with her? You guys go have drinks or something? Yeah, grab drinks, got a date going. It was fun, you know. Do you hook up that first night with her?

Gentleman never kisses and tells. Tony, that's my wife, for fuck's sake. Boo, what do you know her? Just until yet. No, you're on a show right now. You're on a show, Jimmy. Here's a little joke book. Ollie, what do you think about all this?

That's crazy as hell that a lady who has been doing comedy for six months and a guy who's been doing it for a decade are in the same exact place. Yep. A hundred percent. A lady who's been doing it six months. that is much more venture capitalist

and mentally ill than a comedian. Just body Jimmy Clifford who's coming back from festivals just fresh and ready. All right, Jimmy. I'll be honest, I'm a little out of practice. I just had a baby about two months ago. That would have been an interesting thing

to say five minutes ago. I don't know if it's the most interesting thing in my entire life, Tony. I would say, you know, it's awesome. Bam! Well, I have, I have, like, five kids. You can't say the one was the most interesting. No, no, no, no, no.

I have nine. Do not deduct my children. Yeah. I got out of it. There he goes. Jimmy Clifford, everyone. We're going to keep it moving. We're having fun here tonight.

Interesting bucket pools so far. Very interesting. Doesn't matter if you've been doing it 10 years or six months. The pressure can get to you. Ladies and gentlemen, one minute uninterrupted. Next one is Liv Taylor. Live Taylor. Live Taylor.

So I recently turned 31, and as a woman, I realize that now I'm in my 30s. There's a point in your life that you realize you're no longer in your 20s. Like that decade of your life is over. That defining point, there's a defining point. For me, I thought, that's just when you turn 30. Apparently, that was when I realized I went from having headlight tits to a headlight and a fog light.

Bitch, where are you going? Like, I don't even have kids to blame this on, and I'm half Puerto Rican. Just nothing short of a miracle in and of itself. I am half, and I don't speak Spanish. I think I'm more of what you'd call like Sorda Rican instead. and I get that side from my dad

kind of hard to talk about him not because he's dead or anything but because he's just such a fucking narcissist he's Puerto Rican, it makes sense but my dad's like that kind of narcissist that's, he went to a military high school he's convinced that he's a veteran thank you

Lib Taylor amazing decent and somehow the best bucket pool of the night so far Barely decent yet the number one ranked bucket pool of the night. I'll fucking take it, Tony. Hell yeah. I bet you would.

You're... You're half Puerto Rican? I am. Is that why you think one of your tits is garbage? Probably. Still got it. Still got it. Leaning into the wind.

All right. I love it. Liv Taylor. How long have you been doing stand-up? Almost two years in November. Okay. How do you make money? I'm a vet tech.

Vet tech. Yeah, I actually have, I've been working for about two months. The last time I was on, I didn't have a job. I found a job not long after that, so. That's what happens, kill Tony Bump. A lot of people think people just make money off cameo here for some reason. Seben, as a vet tech. Yeah.

So you're around animals. Yeah. I actually work in Spelley. So I work in anesthesia and surgery. Amazing. Yeah. What is some of the worst animals to deal with that you've learned about so far? What are the ones when you're like, oh no, there's a fucking...

Chihuahuas. Land sharks. Yeah, they're pretty terrible. Not all of them. I'll give some credit. There are some nice ones, but for the most part they fucking suck. Yeah, I agree completely. That's why we're trying to deport a lot of them right now.

Um... Back to shewawa. Huh? Back to Shiawawa. There's a Chihuahua in Mexico. Oh, okay. Yes, got it. You said it like it was one word.

I was trying to back to Chihuahua. All right, there you go. I thought she put a spell on you. Yeah, that was weird. It was weird. One of my tits feels weird all of a sudden. Whoa. All right.

Liv, what do you do for fun? I am very homebody, so I like hang out at home with my dogs. But I like to hang out with friends. I've pretty much bar hop since I've been here in Austin and really just trying to kind of start a new life. Religious?

We talked about it last time. No, to God, no. Oh. No, no, no. No, not religious. Right. Yeah, no. Movies, I mean, like, just really hang out.

I'm very boring, I would say. I've really delved into comedy. That's why I moved to Austin. Okay. What are some of the wildest things that you've seen out there in the comedy scene? This whole show, it's always comedians.

We never really get to delve into the gritty. what it's like at the Austin open mics and whatnot. What have you seen? What can you tell us about it? It's pretty dirty out here, man. Describe that for people. There's, I mean, there's piss literally everywhere. I mean, you can be friends with the homeless or you can be their worst enemy. I choose the latter. It's, I think, better that way. I like to keep my distance. I mean... How about at the open mics once you get there? You're talking more about the walk to the open mics. It's literally what you think it is.

It's just like hundreds of us just sitting around waiting for our names to be called. Some people getting sloshed out, you know, shit-faced. I just kind of hang out with my, you know, little group of friends that I have. You don't get shit-faced. No, I drink here and there, but I don't get shit-faced. Exactly. At least on these nights. Why get shit-faced when you already have a shit body?

You're right, Liv. Oh, come on. Shut up. What kind of show do you think you showed up to? 40 pounds shed from last year, so I think I'm actually pretty okay. That's great. That's great. Grief's one hell of a diet.

Say that again? I said grief's one hell of a diet. What happened? What did you lose? I'm a widow. I lost my husband last year. Oh, shit. Yeah.

We talked about it last time. It's cool. Remind me. What happened? He flipped his truck. Ah, that's right. There it is. Always fun.

There he is. We have amazing technology here. at Rogan's Comedy Club. Thank you to Spotify for the amazing technology. We're able to tap into the audio in heaven. It is quite incredible. We do. We're getting word that your former husband is trying to tell us something right now.

Hold on. Where's he up? Oh, wow. Okay. What's his name? Joe. Joe. Joe is joining us from heaven.

Joe, this is a brand new segment on this show. We're testing out this new technology. That soundboard's terrible. I'll pass on a second. Hold on a second. Wait, was that Antonio Brown I just heard? Is he dead? Antonio, would you say?

Oh, my God. All right. So, Liv. if you have like a short term goal for your comedy what would it be? I mean I'd like to be at least featuring in the next two years I know I'm not ready for something like that now

I'm definitely still working and building as we all are so yeah I'd say like two years good goal. Can I tell you a fun fact? So I actually have a picture of you with like I went to a show of yours it was like the year before before my mom died And... What year was that? 2023.

Okay. I actually have a picture with you and him together and you guys have this like very uncanny look. Really? Yeah, it's very odd. Wow.

Yeah. Amazing. He's going like this. Yeah. Wow. I'm sorry. Well, if you had a husband that looked like me

and he was stuck with you, I could see why he wanted to flip that truck. Uh... Come on, we're getting here. She's smiling. She's living her dream. She's on the biggest show in her industry. Yeah, you've got to be nice.

She was there. Part of the truck is still on her face. Oh, my God. This is a very roasty panel, Lib. But I liked your set so much so that you're leaving with a big joke book today, Liv, just based on the fact that you're the best bucket pool so far. There you go. Lib Taylor.

We're having fun. We're having fun. A lot of ooze and Oz from this. Crowder. Very sensitive crowd. The liberal girl whispering into her boyfriend's ear over there. I just think he's mean. Jesus Christ. All right. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Benny G. Benny G. Here he is. So I married the wish.com version of my high school crush. The original was named Heidi, big busty like this.

The knockoff, it's more like this, arthritis in both hands. But when we finally got divorced, she took me for pretty much everything. I was so ticked off that I called my sister directly after and said, I hoped Obama at the time went the same route as the funny mustache man and just eradicated all redheads. and yeah I was pretty ticked off and she happens to have a son who's redhead and she said well what are we going to do with Elijah I said we're going to throw them in the attic like Anne Frank so but unfortunately that prayer did come true and they ended up going after red hats so I've got to apologize to Gino Carano totally my bad all right I love the first like 13 30 seconds of that, that was good.

And then I have no idea really what the fuck you were talking about after that. I felt like I kind of got edged with genius. I thought he was gonna go. The arthritis hand opener had me. I was very interested. And then something, something, redhead, red hat. Okay.

Hell yeah. Ollie. He's very nervous. You are? He's shaking so hard. I'm over here trembling. What the fuck is going on us? Like the clown just took his makeup off.

It's just regular old Winston Pickles up here. Benny G., how long you've been doing stand-up? This is my very first try. Wow, okay, that makes sense. No wonder you're shaken. Look at that. How old are you? I am 42.

42. What made you want to start today? I've been actually trying to sign up since October of last year, and what got me down here was the Holy Spirit. I found Christ a little over a year ago, and he put it on my heart to come get a comedian. Wow. Absolutely incredible.

So when Christ found you and told you to come to kill Tony on a Monday night, what exactly did he say? And where were you? And when did this happen? And what did you eat that day? It was a long journey. So I was an atheist for 40 years in my life. And in January of 2024, I called out to a God I didn't believe in. And I actually heard back from him.

Okay. So what's the number to God exactly? When you say you called out to God, what exactly happened? Can you describe this for us? I just got ripped off by my in-laws at the time. For how much? How much did they rip you off for? Give me a number.

Not a specific number. I was supposed to begin to make 75% of all the calls I was doing, but they ended up giving me 40%. And, yeah, I was taken aback by it and asked my wife to try to rectify the situation because they were her parents. And she told me I needed to sell my belongings, sell myself, like plasma and stuff like that to make ends meet. And in that moment, I called out to God. You're talking about a real sympathy story here. Yeah, this is incredible. This is incredible.

Did God tell you to leave that bitch? Was that the first thing he said? Benny Chi, it is me. I've come to answer your call. You deserve the 70%. You have to leave this family and sign up for Kill Tony on Monday nights in Austin, Texas. Your story deserves to be heard. We actually did end up getting divorced.

Bill. Absolutely. I had a feeling I was on the spectrum, so I went and got tested, and it turns out I have Asperger's. What a waste of a test. It turns out, in a stunning turn of events, you have Asperger's. Congratulations on being the last person to find out. They tested them in the parking lot like a COVID test.

They're like, yep, he just rolled down his window. They're like, yep, you got it. I saw his thumb in his pocket, and they were like, yeah, go ahead. The old warm thumb, one of the first giveaways of Asperger's. All right. What's some of the most asperger-y things that you do? I have really bad social anxiety. I, you know, I'm just not good with people.

Well, look at you, facing your fears head on. Absolutely incredible. Benny G. What else you've been doing with your life for fun? Not a whole lot, just going to church and volunteering where I can. Okay, so tell us about some of the volunteering that you've done. Have you... I went and did a week with Samaritan's purse out in, what is that, Western North Carolina or whatever, where the hurricanes hit.

Okay. What did you do there? We were just clearing a bunch of different trees and stuff that had fallen to people's homes. Nice. Pretty cool. Incredible. Do you ever get... You ever get...

You ever talk to the devil? I mean, if God talks to you, I mean, you might as well... They say lightning doesn't strike. twice but I mean has the devil ever reached out to you since you have a direct oh we have someone it appears as though there's someone calling in what do we got here where's the hold on a second here I did get a hello Benny G to be the devil I know I sound a lot like God but you asked if I talk to the devil my ex-wife did call on Sunday. Oh shit. Boom. This ex-wife is getting a lit up. A lit up. Hell yeah. You're nailing 70% of

these jokes. I love it, Benny. Do you have any kids? I do. I have three kids. Three kids. I love it. And are they grown up or? 17, almost 15, and almost 14. Wow. Okay. Do they have the devil inside them, like, especially the 17-year-old? No, he's actually on the... Fred Paine, what is wrong with you? Do you have, like, your own quota for retarded shit? You have to say, like, oh, it's been 10

minutes. Is your 17-year-old corrupted? What's the craziest thing about your three kids? Not a whole lot. I mean, besides being on the spectrum, they're pretty normal. They're all on this spectrum? All but my youngest.

Wow. There's a... What do you think you did different with the youngest? How do you think the youngest avoided the spectrum? Did you do something different? Perhaps hold out. She might not be mine. Oh.

Oh my God. I am so saddened by this. It's a lot going on here, man. I love it. So what makes you think that that kid might not be yours? Other than the spectrum thing, does it look different? Yeah, she definitely does look different. She's black.

Well, she does have an aphro, so. Oh, what was that? I said she does have an afro. Are you serious? Oh, she's got massive curls. Have you ever... That might be the best timed use of that sound effect in the history of the show,

which I've been hoping would evolve over the past 12 years. But a fun fact is that is one of the oldest sound effects in the Kill Tony play. playbook, 12 and a half years. Have you ever asked your ex-wife to tell you the truth about your youngest child? I have, but she's never said anything. By the time, you know, we actually thought that she might not be mine.

It was too late. She's already mine in my heart, you know what I mean? So I'm not going to try to take that way for me. Jesus Christ Almighty. Is there anyone you think it could be? I don't know, in the 10 years I was with my first wife. I caught her cheating on me three times in the 10 years we were together. Oh, my God.

How many of these times was when she went to go see Ali Sadiq Live? Let's talk about you, and I know this is obviously personal, but you've seen this show. And let me tell you, you are crushing this interview right now. Everyone wants to look cool and I don't really have any hobbies. I'm a homebody. I go to my... I go to bars. What do you do for Landoni?

These idiots. And meanwhile, there's you. Just unable to tell a lie. Just over here. King Bean Spiller, first of his name. Admiral of the Asperger's. The Protector of Thumbs. Benny G. has arrived.

So let's go through this cheating thing, which I find so interesting. And all the listeners, guaranteed right now are enjoying this part of the show because they hear about these things. Maybe it's affected some of them. People get suspicious. Tell us, when you caught her

cheating, how did you catch her? What are some of the scenarios that you walked in on or found out about? Are we talking about the first wife or the third wife? Wow, this is incredible. He gets hotter every time he says it. Oh, D's going to fuck one of them right now. He must have found her back pages.

yeah. One of them has an afro and is completely blind. Plays a hell of a bass, though. Hell of a bass guitar. She's four. I honestly feel like this is how Creed started. Yeah, absolutely. Okay, so, Benny G., let's go to any wife.

Just tell us about a time that you've caught a wife cheating on you. So we just got done moving, and she was supposed to be working night shift at Amazon. Uh-huh. I couldn't find... Well, she was working night shift at an... Amazon, all right. Old Anaconda. I couldn't find the mop. I was trying to clean up the house because we just got done unpacking stuff like that. I wanted her to come home at 6 o'clock in the morning or whenever her shift

ended to a nice clean house. Oh, God, Benny G. Holy shit. This is incredible. You wanted her to come home to a nice clean house, so you stayed up all night, you sweet, sweet boy. Well, I drove over to our old place because we left the broom and mop there to try to clean it up before we were... You even had to go back another draft to do with a mission that you wanted to... Well, when I walked in, she was walking out with another man.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. The old broom and dustpan. And then later come to find out, she was actually hooking, so... She was making money. She was getting paid to do this? Crime delivery.

Okay, hold on. That's a good one. Ollie, what were you going to say there? Okay, we're waving it off. We got a tie there. We tied. So, Benny G. How did you find out she just admitted to you

that she was hooking? It was actually one of my co-workers. He said... She walked out of your old house. No, no, no. He'd been on Reddit, and he's like, your wife recently got braces, didn't she? I'm like, yeah, how do you know?

You haven't seen her in like two years since the last Christmas party or whatever. And he's like, well, you might want to look up this name on Reddit and sure enough, I did, and there was all her back page ads from the time we started dating. Oh, my God. What's her name?

You are disgusting, Red Band. I can't believe you would say. a real emotional part of the show and there you are asking, what is her name just out of care asking? All right. So, this is incredible. Now, did she ever give you a reason

why she got into this? Did she need the money that bad? After we, you know, I forgave her and we tried to stay together after that. You forgave her for being an all-out hooker? Indeed, I did. She found out he had one ball. Wait, you have...

No, I have both of them. Wow. Look at that. I mean, they're not attached anymore. That's a man. See, they're not attached anymore. See, I knew I was right. Vesectomy, so.

Oh, tubes tied. You said enough is enough. Did you get your tubes tied by any chance before your last kid came out? No. No, okay. Last kid was 2011, I got my vasectomy in 2017. Wow.

What made you get it in 2017? Were you nutting inside of a ton of women? No, my second wife said that I would improve our sex life if I wouldn't got a vasectomy. Because she wanted you to come inside of her? Pretty much, yeah. Wow. When you say pretty much, was there something more that could have possibly happened? No.

Just a yes. Okay. So she wanted you to come inside of her, but she did not want. any little Asperger babyettes running around a beep boom, beep dot move. She didn't want any of that, right? Yeah. Okay, good. Because she had met your other

kids and she's like, oh, hell no. Yeah, pretty much. Right. Okay. Wow. It's been a long interview, Benny, but I feel like I could go on and on with you. Wow. Is there any other time that any other good of the cheating reveals? I think that's what people really

loves. No. My mother and my sister stole $3.4 million from a major oil and gas company, though. Wow. Oh, my God. It's like all the bucket pool's energy and answers went to one chosen man. I think God

really is in his fucking earpiece. This guy is so interesting. Wow. Did they get in trouble for that? Oh, yeah. My sister did, I want to say, five years in prison. Yeah, those oil and gas companies tend to be able to afford lawyers and private investigators.

How did, did they think they were going to get away with it? I mean, they got away with it for like 10 years or something. Wow. Worth it. And they tracked them back. It's enough time to spend the money, that's for sure. I mean, you can Google it to this day. It's a national story in Denver.

Yeah. And you were close with, you were close with them? Yeah. What did they spend that money on? Do you remember anything specific where you're like, that's kind of weird? I mean, hookers and blow. I don't know. Wow.

Look at that. Even your own mother was fucking your wife at one point. Incredible. Benny, I love your style. You're so loose up here. You're smiling.

And 15 minutes ago, you were shaking an unbelievable job, unbelievable interview. Thank you so much for coming by. Benny G. everybody. Let's fucking go. A compelling story. His biggest fear,

social anxiety. And he just crushed it during the interview part for 15 minutes. Fandual Casino's exclusive live dealer studio has your chance at the number one feeling, winning, which beats even the 27th best feeling, saying I do. Who wants this last parachute?

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Or visit Connects Ontario. dot see. Please play responsibly. Let's see if this person can follow that. Your next bucket pool goes by the name of Ty Marion everybody. Ty Marion. Oh, we know Ty.

All right, this is my fourth time now on the show. It has not made me famous, but it's cool because I still look famous. Like, I know I look like a racially ambiguous Ross from friends. not too long ago a dude came up to me the street and said hey you kind of look like a special needs David Blaine and then he goes but I bet you're not allowed to do magic within a hundred yards

of a school that's kind of fucked up because like I won't even listen to Drake but about a week ago a girl rejecting me because she said that I looked like a wax statue of happy Gilmore that was left in the sun too long. I was like, oh, you got a Sandler fan. Well, I bet if you come over, I'll make you call me Big Daddy. And she goes, I bet if I go over, I'm going to find out you have a little Nikki. And I don't. It's more like an uncut gem.

Thank you. Wow. I mean, that is true. You do look like all of those things. you are indeed the platform that God has given you a face like that has led you right here in this moment with great jokes about what the fuck you look like it is incredible a lot of people with a face like that

would be sad and have nothing to do with it in their respective industry meanwhile it's like you have a prop with you at all times I love it I'm signing autographs left and right none of them are for me but it's fucking fun of shit you know what I mean Adam Sadler Yeah. It is incredible. There's quite a look. Are your ears fucked up or is that just the hat? Probably the hat maybe, but yeah, I do have big ears. I don't know. I lost like not like 55 pounds lately and whatever has happened. It's just gone all of my ears. I fucking hear everything too. So thank you, whoever that was.

Wow. Incredible. Thank you. No, that one ear is definitely fucked up. Yeah, that ear's a little fucked up, right? It's like a little chunky ear. Is it? Your lobes are, you have gigantic earlobes. God. It's totally two different ears. That's a new one. You're definitely melted on this side. It's definitely two different.

Yeah, it is an interesting look. Does your whole family look like this? No. Just you. Pretty much. How do you think this happened? Don't really know. Have you ever slept before?

Have you ever, do you eat and drink the same thing every day? Like, what is it? Well, let us know what to avoid it. Exactly. Kind of like, so I don't think it's really like food related. Like I kind of do look a little different from my family. So recently I did a 23 in me and I found out that I'm 100% unable to handle that many guys at once. I couldn't, I couldn't hear what you said.

Dee Madness just sat down and he murmured the words, this motherfucker, ugly as shit. That's all, I just heard even Dee knows, which is incredible. Born blind, but meanwhile, he walks in from using the restroom and can, Just tell. You can just tell. Ty, anything crazy happened in your life since the last time you were on the show? I got hit by a car riding a lime scooter.

Okay, did it hit you in the face by any chance? Nah, it would have helped me out, I think. Yeah. No, just one of these great Austin drivers we have here in Texas. Just not paying attention and went through a red light as I was coming through an intersection. Wow. They ran a red light and hit you on a lime scooter.

Yes. So they were going normal, like 35, 40? She was about to make a right turn, so... When you say she, what ethnicity was this woman? She was Hispanic. Uh-huh. That's surprising. Yeah.

Fuck! Another L for the Hispanics. Okay. And did she stop? Yeah, she could. She was on top of the scooter. She didn't have really a choice. You fly over the hood?

Well, like... Wait. So the car was on top of the scooter. Yeah. Got it. So, like, not to harp on the last two stuff, but I'm kind of autistic as well. Like, eh, no, no, no, no. We just had fucking a shaky McWhat-the- fuck up here a second ago, so it's not really registering.

My story is a little, I didn't get diagnosed until, like, really late in life. So I've had to, like, battle it and try to be normal and act like a normal person. So it's just a facade. What did they tell you that you have? A face that looks like an assburger? Oh. Okay. Somebody

Order number 33 Asperger I think they said your face has draughtism All right You guys see it both Very saggy Thank you sir

I'm gonna kill myself later You'll come over Kim has one joke that doesn't work She goes on a six minute round Fuck you Thank you I'll fucking die right now All right

Well Ty Fun times You were on the show again You've been on numerous times before anything else crazy do we should know about you? How did it end? The thing should give you money?

Yeah, well, we're kind of settling that now. Oddly enough, the cop that arrived was the same cop that was here on the last story that I told on the show, not to rehash anything, but it was the same guy. So he was like, hey, you want all this information. You need to go ahead and do this. And I was like, I think I'm fine. He was like, you're not fine.

So we'll see what happens. Okay, well, I hope the settlement happens before this episode comes out. You'll notice the limp now when I leave. Oh, yeah, for sure. Absolutely. All right, Ty Marion. What do you have? You've had a big joke book before? Okay. Well, then there you go. Ty Marion, everybody. All right. Very exciting. We're going to bring up one of the rising comedian stars from Canada that's been on this show numerous times before. Here with a new minute, makes some noise for Ben Bankus, everybody. It's Ben Bankus.

What's going on? I got two kids. I just had my second kid. And, yeah, my wife, she tells people, yeah, we had a second kid, you know, for our daughter. So she'd have a friend. Like, yeah. Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too.

I'm just fucking my wife. Like, oh, it's for my daughter. Yeah, she needs a friend real bad. But I got a son now. Every guy wants to have a son, right? Because it's manly and, you know, you've seen those gender reveals where the guy already has two daughters

and then it comes out pink and he's like, fuck! Can't fucking handle this shit! So I have a son, but everybody thinks it's manly to have a son. You know, it's your boy. But, like, my daughter, she's three. Not once in three years

did I worry she was gay. My son's three months old. I'm fucking worried. Ben Bankus. Remember the name. Fantastic, Ben. Unbelievable set of the night so far, no doubt about it. How long have you been doing stand up again?

Going on 15. 15 years. A real pro. Does spots here at the mothership. Long story short. We were getting wasted at the bar last week, and I said, I'll give you a minute. Fuck yeah, dude.

Are there any signs that the three? Yeah, that's the big behind the scenes of Kill Tony. If I get drunk enough right next, I'll go, you know what, I want to see what you do. You guys are watching the sausage get spots. Yes, the sausage gets spots. Is there anything gay about the three-month-old that makes you think it might be gay?

or is it just a funny joke? Yeah, I mean. Or is it, like, sucking its thumb, like back and forth like that or whatever? Yeah. Well, like, he breastfeeds. It shits and moans. What?

All right. I'm gonna pee. No, Kim. All right, there you go. All right, Jesus. If you guys could just laugh at everything she says so she doesn't have to make a big deal out of it every time, that'd be great.

Yeah, my kid, like, he breastfeeds, but, like, he was breastfeeding, and then he coughed weird, like, he didn't like it. Like, he was breastfeeding, and then he was like, and I looked at my wife, I was like, what the hell was that? And she's like, there was a lot of milk coming out. It was probably hitting the back of his throat.

I'm like, Jesus Christ. Sometimes it's... Sometimes it's my fault because I'll, like, feed him with the bottle like this. And then, like, you just, like, I'll, like, rest it under my chin. And then I'll just, like, like, go on my phone. And then I'll look down and, like, the bottle's shifted and it's like, Oh, yeah. I'm like, fuck, now I'm making them gay.

This is... Right. This is a lot easier than I thought. Yeah. You're contributing. So that's amazing, Ben. And how old's the daughter? She's three.

Three? Okay. And you're still with the baby, mama. Oh, yeah. She's up in Canada? No, she's here. Okay. What does she do?

She's a stay-at-home mom. That's right. Fuck yeah. Okay. Nice. Also, can we play the money thing? See, you're just doing it, stand-up comedy, making enough money. Stand-up comedy touring.

The whole country just did Pittsburgh, Cleveland, Chicago, Rosemont, Illinois, all sold out. Nice. Benbankus.com. Benbankus.com, baby. B-A-N-K-A-S. Check him out on tour. Unbelievable set. Thank you, bro. Great stuff, Ben.

Thank you. Make some fucking noise for Ben Bankas, everybody. Smooth and easy. Ollie Sadiq. Before you leave, I want y'all to notice something. His shoes are nice. The last two guys' shoes were fucking terrible.

That's how you know he are pro. That's true. No, you're absolutely right. Did you see them pool months on the last guy? I actually just started wearing forces and now, you know, I really feel for black dudes with the creasing of the... Like, I had to ask my black friend

how to not crease them. He was like, you got to ball your feet up. I was like, oh, that's why you guys walk like that. Well, well, we actually stopped wearing those 10 years ago. Well, a good thing you stopped before BLM because there's a lot of taking a knee. That would have ruined a lot of forces, right? Ben Bankus, ladies and gentlemen.

Ben. Boom. Fuck yeah. Back to the bucket we go, ladies and gentlemen. And here is a new name. Make some noise, a new minute, new name. It's Dave the Butcher, everybody. Dave the Butcher has arrived.

God damn, it's bright as fucking here. Where on my, it's bright of the fucking eye. Can't see shit. Where are my black folks at? Smile. Oh, there might be one over there. Oh, shit. I get it, Tony.

Keep them on stage where you keep an eye on them. You know what I mean? My bad. Keep them on stage when you can keep an eye on them. Bless you. You know, because it's messed up, but theft in the workplace, it's a motherfucker. Where we at?

Shit. I got a little bit of a racist joke here. I'm just trying to break the ice, so I had a little nervous here. It's my first time, so knock knock. Knock knock. Damn. That's a lot, buddy. All right, listen, knock knock.

Who's there? Damn, I fucked up again. Never mind, all right, uh, did you see, did you see big... Oh, wow. Holy shit, Dave. What the fuck are you doing here, man? What would make you do this? Why would you sign up for this?

I'm sorry, man, it's bright as fuck. I can't see shit. Yeah, well, how would seeing anything? Deep Madness crushes back here. He literally can't see shit. Kills every single. week. Biggest pop from the moment he walks out, plays like a fucking, like the devil himself. He doesn't go, sorry, off today, can't see shit. Crushes. Meanwhile, you can see a lot. Yes, the lights are brighter than they are in the alleyways where you're used to performing. Have you ever attempted stand-up comedy before?

A couple times. I'm six months deep. Six months deep. Yeah. Okay. All right, Dave. the fuck do you have a joke in six months yeah yeah yeah I got a couple jokes and do they all end in knock knock knock that's how the joke's supposed to start it was supposed to be knock knock go ahead knock knock fuck you all right fuck you fuck you unbelievable Dave apologies apologies I fucked up you did fuck up you did fucking I got I got one for you Knock, knock. No.

Knock, knock. Who's there? Ice. I was going to say Homeland Security, but that was it. Ollie, Sadeek, what do you think about this? Fucking MS-13, terrible ass. You're a fucking terrible. Yeah, I was hard.

You should take that mic and hang your fucking stuff. Fair enough. You go by the name Dave the Butcher. Is that what you do? Are you a butcher? I'm a chef. You're a chef. So you're not even a butcher.

You're not a butcher. No, he blotchers his jokes, but... Yeah. Okay, where are you a chef at exactly? Houston. Okay, where at in Houston? This little place called Philly Flats. What do you make there? What do you specialize?

All kinds of stuff. Italian food, Spanish food, whatever. Sandwiches. Are you good at that? Yeah, I'm the shit. Okay, you know what I think you should do? I think you should go back there. All right. Fair enough. I fucked up.

You're from Houston? Yeah. Fucking making me look bad. look bad. Yeah, exactly. This thing... Check out the kicks, though, then. They're clean. Shit's terrible. Do you have lansh shades on your tires, like on your car? Oh, oky-dokey.

Negative, yeah. I thought that was bad. That was bad. Yeah. Yes. Yes, yes, yes. You are the worst thing to happen to Houston since Katrina. Damn. It is incredible. Fair enough. Fair enough. You're terrible. Try. Work hard.

Yeah, yeah. You have to do something. something next time. There you go. No joke book, no nothing. There he goes. Dave the Butcher. Absolutely nothing. Absolutely horrendous. Terrible. You guys having fun out there? How many you like it when comedians do good on this show? How many of you like it when comedians do bad on this show? Wow. Evil. Wow, the lights even went off. Even Kino, the lighting guy. Lights that wouldn't people do bad. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, anything can happen.

This is Rob White. Rob White. Kill Tony. How's it going? Oh, my God. I did not think I was getting on the show tonight. Otherwise, I would not have dressed like a day go on vacation in the 60s. This is a terrible fucking outfit for comedy, guys.

I, uh, honestly, it's, it's weird. Like, I don't, I don't actually do a comedy, uh, You know, I have a full-time job. I'm a tattoo artist by day, stand-up comic at night, which is fun because basically I have two jobs that no one thinks is real. And, yeah, so, like, it was a weird thing,

like, growing up, like, my dad's a tattoo artist, and he saw me, and he was, like, seeing how I was acting like a f***ard, and he's like, I need to solve this shit. I need to toughen up my son. So he sent me off to work to learn how to tattoo with his guy, Crazy Joe, at the age of 13. And 13 years old,

I didn't need to be working with this guy. He was a fucking killer, okay? I mean, like, he wasn't killing it with the ladies or doing killer tattoos. I mean, he actually murdered a guy. He stabbed him to death. We could end there. That wasn't going very well.

Let's be honest. Check, check, check, check. That's it. The joke ends with your dad stabbing a guy to death? No, no. What the fuck is going on tonight? Is anybody trying to make it anymore on this fucking show? It's a long, complicated.

I should have chose better on my one minute, Tony. I should have chose better, yeah. Okay. I am so fucking dizzy watching here. I know. It's crazy. It is wild. Sorry.

Rob White, it's okay, buddy. Okay. So how long have you been doing stand-up? I've been doing it on and off now for five years. Five years. Okay. And do you have a joke? Five years.

Five years ago, jokes? Sure. Let me just do a... Do your best joke. Five years. Okay. Here's what I was working on. Guys, what's funnier, the Holocaust or slavery?

It's a trick question because we all know the Holocaust never happened. Okay. All right, fuck it. What are you going to do? What's your second best joke in five years? You have another one, another go-to? I am failing miserably.

The setup punch is not an easy thing for me to do. I'd tell them to tell longer-winded stories that one minute does not help. And I didn't think this was going to happen today. This was like literally flew in today. Yeah, that's how it goes. That's what happens on a show where you sign up and your name goes in a bucket.

People don't know, and then now you know. This is what you do, yeah. If you could have done something differently, you said you flew in today. What would you've done differently? There's a lot of people that are thinking about signing up. Yeah, fly in the day before. Maybe you should soak up the energy

and get yourself prepared so you don't come up here and just wing it last minute. When you say, prepare yourself, do you think the five years of attempting stand-up comedy could have applied at all? Look, this, the one minute is a hard thing to introduce yourself and tell any sort of... Yeah, it's the format of the show.

Sorry, didn't have any waka-waka fucking happy shit shows. Ali Sadiq. No excuses. All right, right. And there is no waka-waka. Now you're trying to insult the entire art form of stand-up comedy, but everybody who's funny gets laughs in a minute. Even if they're doing a one hour-long special, there's laughs in the first minute.

Yeah, yeah, well said. So it's not walk-a-walk. Don't blame the audience. That's shitty of you. Yeah, I get it. I get it. There you go. All right, let's talk about your embarrassing life.

What do you got for us? Anything? Fucking horrible. I have horrible stories. Let's go. I started tattooing at an early age. My dad had me tattooing in the shop. Are you doing your material again?

No, no. This is like what I do every day of the week. 13 years old tattooing, so I've been doing it my whole entire life. and I did the worst fucking tattoo in the history of tattooing to the point where it's on every website it's every, it ruined my entire comedy

and tattoo career simultaneously. What was it, the Downstantrum Tiger? No, it was a Sopranos portrait of the fucking family. How do we find this? You don't, all you have to do is, remember the show, Bad Sopranos tattoo?

Remember Ron and Fez? Opie and Anthony? No, no, I'm asking you a different... But that's where it happened on the radio. Okay. It happened on... So how would we find it, was the question that was. The guy I had tattoo was East Side Dave.

If you type in East Side Dave's tattoo, it immediately just fills it the fuck in because I ruined his life, too. Right. And it's, uh, it's probably the worst. It looks horrible, so I did this. It was a radio promotion. Oh, my God. See? Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. The Beatles is so... So bad, it's crazy. We're going to put it on the screen for those of you watching on YouTube right now. Holy shit. No, they're not going to, don't ever do that again, I told you. It doesn't work in-house. There's like, only these four people are going to be like, go.

This was a, I'm a well-accomplished American traditional tattooer. That's what I've always done. No. But I was doing, no, it's- I don't believe you. I'm second-generation. I think your dad was probably. good at it. I think this is one of those things like fucking, you know, Michael Jordan Jr. or whatever, where it's like, this was, Holly Sadiq.

I wish y'all can see this fucking tattoo like Frankenstein, John Linnon, and. The tattoo is funnier. The tattoo is funnier than anything. This is what I say. This section is disgusted. There's people vomiting. Wow. Oh my God. This is incredible. incredible. This is great, great podcasting, everybody. Red band on the ones and twos. Wow, there it is. Red band is retarded. He can't do anything. Here we go. Here he goes. All he has to do is turn an iPad around, everybody. Let's see how it goes there. There you go. There you go. People are just cheering red band being able to do the simplest of simple. What do you mean? What do you mean? What do you mean?

I've been doing this 12 and a half years. I can throw the iPad around. Oh, man. Oh, I feel like this tattoo right now. All right. It's... Rob. Craziest thing about your life.

Anything? Ollie Sadeek, what do you think about this? You gotta be able to fight because I ought to beat the shit out of you. Yeah. That wasn't like just a normal... This was... This is worse than what you even understand.

It was a radio show, Ron and Fez. It was on, right before Opie and Anthony on the radio, right? So after I did this, they roasted the fucking shit out of me. Do you understand, like, all my comedy heroes that I was looking up, like, Jim Norton and Bob Kelly and Louis T.K., every week would go on the show and pull up the picture of this tattoo and be like, what an amazing abortion this kid did. Yeah. Horrible.

So, yeah, I just felt like I thought. That would be nice to share with you guys. Well, it just happened again. Yeah, I know. 20 years later, and it's happening again, too, on a big show. Rob, here's a little joke book, my friend. Sign up again with a... Thank you, thank you.

Try it again. Try it again sometime. Rob White. Holocaust denier, Rob White. Oh, la, la. Oh, my goodness gracious. The lovely Heidi. Saging the stage of the energy of Rob White and Dave the butcher.

Bringing us back to a time when we all felt like we were in show business. All right, let's talk about how Amazon Prime makes everything better. You know the moment. You're binge watching different things, and you realize that Prime has more to offer than expected. Amazon Prime isn't just fast delivery, though let's be honest getting snacks or a last minute prop delivered the same day is a lifesaver it's also prime video for all the comedy specials amazon music to vibe to and all the things that make life more interesting right ban whether streaming a stand-up special building the perfect playlist for the next show or getting new gear delivered fast prime helps make it all happen and maybe even delivers a few laughs along the way so whether comedy drama or just the perfect new joke book is the vibe. Remember, Prime is there for it.

I do it all on Prime. Whatever you're into, it's on Prime. From streaming to shopping, it's on Prime. Visit Amazon.com slash Prime to get more out of whatever you're into. Amazon.com slash Prime. All right. Your next bucket pool, everybody. It's a promising name, believe it or not. I have a feeling about this one. Make some noise for Just Greg. Just Greg. What's up everybody? I don't know about you guys, but I hate getting bad news. Sometimes I think, like, what if I got bad news in a fun, entertaining way, and then maybe

I wouldn't mind it as much? Like somebody would be like, hey, just Greg. Got some bad news for you, man. Your wife has one minute to live. And I'd be like, fuck yeah, yeah. That wouldn't be a bad way to get bad news, I don't think. You know what I'm talking about, man? Maybe your friend pulls up to your house like,

Boop-Boo-B-B-B-D-Doo-Doo-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B-D-D-D-O. I ran over your dog in the driveway. Fucking love that dog, man. Give me going for pancake. Boop. This is my impression of Donald Duck, sneezing. This is my impression of Donald Duck having sex with a prostitute.

All right, that's enough of that. All right. That's my time. Thank you guys. Ugh. Just Greg. Hell yeah. All right. Well, how long you've been doing stand-up? Just Greg? Not long. Three years, sir. Three years? Okay. All of it in San Antonio? Uh...

Could you tell? Really? No, sir. I started in El Paso, and then I just moved to San Antonio. Oh. So you do live in San Antonio? Do live in San Antonio? Yes, sir. How long ago did you move to San Antonio?

About a year ago. Perfect. What do you do for work? I'm a staying home dad. Wow. Okay. Hell yeah. Thank you.

I should have just said that. Amazing. How old are the kids? Six and eight. Were their first words, Bona. Something like that, yeah. Okay.

Okay. You don't make money in any way? How does the baby mama bring home the bacon? She's a surgical technician. Oh, wow. It's a fancy, fancy, fancy terminology. How long you've been with her? 13 years. Okay, look at that. How do you keep things exciting in the bedroom? Do you... I beatbox.

Yeah. You beatbox while you eat box. Yes, sir. Incredible. Yes, sir. Absolutely amazing. Wow. Okay. And two kids. Are you... Are you going to have more? Planning on it.

Very small family for a San Antonio Latino family. Yeah, for Hispanic, honestly. What's the most Latino thing about you? The most Latino thing about me? Probably my mustache. I don't know. Oh, okay. Just grows like that.

Okay. You mow your own lawn? Fuck yeah. All right. Yeah, gas power. None of the electric shit. That's the answer then. That's the most Latino thing about you,

just to let you know. Yes, sir. I can cut a grass. Okay. What do you do for fun when you're not hanging with the kids or attempting comedy? I make videos on YouTube. About what? Beboxing. You beatbox. So that's your thing. That's my thing.

Okay. It's the best thing I can know how to do. The first punchline that you did, did you say your wife has one minute to live? Yes, I did. Okay, yeah. I don't think anybody really got that. I kind of heard it. But even then, it doesn't make sense because why would the doctor say? True.

Okay. What about the second one, though? I think it would be, I think you should just be more on the nose like you have cancer. Oh, something like that. Okay. No one would believe one minute to live. You know what I mean? That's fair.

Unless she's drowning or something. Yeah. But she wouldn't. She's a good swimmer, right? Yeah, she could float. Oh, the horn players got that one. Look at that. Absolutely.

Okay. Did you say six and seven? Six and eight, the kids? Six and eight, yes, sir. Okay. They up to anything crazy? Good kids? Yeah, they're pretty funny.

Funny than me, for sure. Yeah, for sure. What do they do that's funny? They're just getting to arguments. They're kind of like roommates. You know, the youngest one hates the oldest one because she's jealous of her. Like the other day, she was like,

oh, Elena says that she's getting booby, so she needs to wear a bra. And I was like, well, that's a weird thing to bring up. And then I was like, well, it's fine. Just don't wear her bra. And she's like, but tell her. Tell her she doesn't have any boobies. Like, that's what she was worried about.

Oh, Red Band has signified that he has an erection, everybody. Six and an eight-year-old talking about boobies has Red Band very excited. Is that your thing? I would have him stand up and show you the erection, but it would turn into a home screen in front of his pants if he had to... All right. We're having fun here tonight. What's the craziest thing?

You've been the history of your life. What do you think makes you different than everybody else? I got a flu shot and I almost got paralyzed. Tell us more about that. So I got, there's like a thing. You know that those papers they give you when you get a flu shot that nobody reads? There's like a 10,000 cases a year that somebody gets Guillain Barre, which is like I get paralyzed, basically. And you felt it coming on?

Yeah, like, it was weird because I still had to go to work. And they didn't send me to the neurologist until it went to the back of my throat. So I was like answering the phone like, Stamps are now, you know, wow. I was in the Air Force. I was going to say that. Amazing. And what were you, what type of work were you doing then?

Some, it's a job where I just, I expect like life rafts in Chile that. Life rafts. Yeah. Were you helping people illegally cross the border? My family mostly, yeah. All right. Do you ever get a flu shot, Tony?

I don't really think so. Definitely not as an adult. as an adult. How old were you when you did this? I was back in 2018, so it was like 27, 26. Yeah. I don't really do that. Even red band doesn't get the flu shot as you could tell me the color of the skin. Here's a little joke book, Just Greg. There you go. Just Greg, everybody.

Beatbox. Beatbox. Beatbox. Ooh, wee. Make some noise for your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Dr. Rabbit. Ooh, la, La, Dr. Rabbit. Oh, Dr. Rabbit.

Oh, Dr. Rabbit. All righty. So, I do actually have a doctorate degree, but if we're completely honest, I am essentially just the Walmart version of Legally Blonde. But regardless, I still got a job at a college. and you wouldn't know by looking at me, but it was actually at a black college.

So, yeah, I was a diversity hire. So I go by the stage name Dr. Rabbit for reasons that I thought were fairly obvious and also because all the really hot girls that are blonde seem to have already taken the name Bunny, so that was off the table. But what I didn't expect was that the TikTokers were going to think that I chose Rabbit

for how I fuck, rather than what I thought was the more obvious roast. So, we know. I don't know. That's a minute. The doctor is in.

Dr. Rabbit. Hello, Dr. Rabbit. Oh, my goodness, look at you. I love her. She looks like someone left their Barbie in the sun. Welcome to the show. How long have you been doing stand-up comedy? Well, this is it.

I've done, this is it, really. I've done a few, like, stand-up nights, but not really anything. Okay. My rate my professor would say that my class is kind of. Oh, sorry. My rate my professor would say that my classes kind of stand up, but I mean... You're what professor? Rate myprofessor.com.

You can go read about. That's where you go rate college professors before you sign up for their classes, so she's a professor. Oh, really? Got it. Yeah. Got it. Okay. So you're a professor at a black college?

Not anymore. Okay. What did you do at the black college other than scare the living shit out of people? Um, I don't think I scared anybody, but I taught cultural diversity, believe it or not. Her class was called Get In. Wow. And can you give us a lesson here? Can you give us what it would look like if we showed up to your class and just a, just a, you know, like 10 second snippet of you as a professor? Um, usually I walk in and I'm like trying to get the, uh, Like, oh, actually, do it?

Yeah, do it. So I'm not good with technology, so usually I walk in, and then I'm, like, messing with the computer, and then I, like, say some words, and then they all laugh, and I say, please don't, like, report me, please don't put that on my student e-vow. And I have to, like, overcompensate for it,

but, yeah, I don't know. Do what? You do your college professor thing just for 10 seconds. Just pretend like you're a college professor, and I'll pretend like I'm a black professor. I'm a black college student. All right, hold on, let's start. Okay, so...

Hey, what up, no? Yeah. No. I only got a few mumps left of this shit. Spot on, spot on. This bitch be looking like the bitch from polter guy. I'm learning studies from the motherfucking children of the cone up here.

Honestly, I'm so painfully white that like half the time I don't know what they're saying or I didn't know what they were saying. Wow, I love that. And it brings me to the next segment of the show, Dr. Rabbit. What do you think is the blackest thing about you? Oh. I do have a black daughter and I don't know who her father is.

Oh. Oh. Oh. She was adopted. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, the crowd's upset that you adopted. They were all hoping that you got knocked up by one of your students, literally.

No, no, nothing like that. That's not why I still don't work there. Just to be totally honest, just to be totally honest, it's not that you don't understand him because you're so white. I don't understand him either. I have a black son. I don't know what the fuck he'd be talking about.

He looked crazy as shit, though. You adopted a black child and you're a professor at a black university. What's up with... Well, I'm not anymore. But, yeah, well, it doesn't sound like that. I did adopt a black child

while I was at the black university. But I then left and went to an all-girls university. That's where I'm at now. Who is giving our children away? Fuck, man. Incredible. Do you only have one adopted child? Yeah, I guess her.

Awesome. Those just two of us, yeah. Okay, great. Awesome. How old is she? 14. 14. Amazing.

So let me ask you this, because I'll bet you it did happen. My question is, did a lot of the guys at the colleges flirt with you? Because there's a lot of teacher-student hookups. I bet some laid it on pretty thick. Am I right? Um, I don't know if I'm really the type that they go for, um, but I mean, no, I, no, I, I'm kind of a pushover. Can you, can you please hit the money side? I'm gonna give me a Mustang.

Oh, no, you are? Oh, no, you are, is the line of the night. It shall be sealed forever. That is incredible. Brought to you by ZipRecruiter, Shopify prize, picks and open phone. Allie Sadiq's. Two new specials are at Allie.

specials are at Allie Sadiq comedy on YouTube. Holy shit. Okay, Dr. Rabbit. So, what happened? Why did you leave the black, all black college? She's got a, if we're just completely honest, she's got a lot

of special needs, and it was hard for me to do it completely on my own, so my parents were willing to step up, and she had been in... Wait, hold on. Seven foster homes, and yeah. The adopted daughter? Yeah. Okay, I asked a different question. Oh, I was, sorry. Why did I leave the college?

I literally gets left so that I could get help from my parents in Indiana that help raise her. Got it. Amazing. So she has special needs. What are those special needs? She needs a black mom. Okay.

I mean, I'm not great at her hair. I'll be honest. But I try. It's on YouTube. It's on YouTube. I have a feeling I'm not going to have a job when I get back. No, you're great. Anyway, but I don't even know what you asked.

What are the special needs of the adopted child? Yeah, so she's got pretty significant fetal alcohol syndrome. She came from foster care, so I got to really reiterate that, so they don't think it's me. Right, exactly. Every time I go to the doctor, I'm like, she's adopted, and she's adopted, and I kind of look like a jerk, but then they see why I have to really emphasize that. But she does have an intellectual disability and some physical, like she has seizures and stuff because of the brain damage. Let me ask you a question. When you adopt a kid like that, did you know that when you got it or did you like, do you get a discount or something?

Like, how does that work exactly? 30% off. No discount. Foster care is free. So, yeah, no, it's foster care is free. So I didn't have to pay anything. Nice. Yeah, I knew it.

ahead of time. So at any point, someone can go, like, I want it. No, you got to go through. There's some hoops you got to go through, but yeah. Did she already, like,

does the foster kids, like, do you get to, like, is it like a dog? Do you get to, like, rename it? Or was the kid named, like, whatever, the original mom named it, like Hennessy or whatever?

Yeah, so that's a law that I really want them to change because at the age of 13, they can actually legally completely change your name to whatever they want it to be. and hers almost became Cardi B. Arianna Grandeville. And I was like, we can't.

We can't do that. And they're, like, telling me, like, legally you can't, like, coach her on what to name herself. And I'm like, we're going to have a Cardi B then. I mean, we can't do this. But she kept her name and just changed her last name to mine. Thank God. Wow. So you got a black child that want to be named after a Puerto Rican white lady.

Yeah. She got special needs. I mean. If I was her, I would have gone with Tardie B, to be honest. with you. Where have it? What do you mean? Oh, this is kill Tony.

Nowhere else can you say Tardy B. All right. I mean, that would have been the moment. Special needs, picking the name, Cardi B, she's black. Da-da-da-da, right? OK. It's a whole thing. You're an angel.

You really are. Oh, thank you. And you're so likable, and it's incredible. Dr. Rabbit. What made you want to do this here tonight? I've just, I don't know, people have always told me that they think I'm funny, and I was really self-conscious. I was in a bad car accident when I was 16,

then that's why my face kind of got destroyed, and I was really self-conscious, but people said I was funny, and so I'd kind of hide. And so what way to kind of re-immers to the world by going on a, kill Tony I love that I love that Michael Gonzalez

has an interesting taste in blonde women so if you're interested he's a professional rock and roll drummer here's a big joke book your interview was amazing you're ready for it? You got it you can do it ready? Oh no oh no

there it is Dr. Rabbit Ladies and gentlemen, thank you, Dr. Rabbit. Make some noise for her, everybody. We're having fun tonight. A lot of people using Kill Tony for therapy, by the way. A lot of people trying to face their social anxiety fears on this show.

Let me remind you all, it's about stand-up comedy. And if you need help, talk space is the number one rated online. bringing you professional support from licensed therapists and psychiatrists that you can access any time. It's easy to get started. And as a listener of this podcast, who get $80 off your first month with Talkspace, when you go to Talkspace.com slash Tony and enter the promo code Space 80. Right, Red Band? I love Talkspace.

Thank you, Red Band. Why just survive back to school when you can thrive by creating a space that does it all for you, no matter the size? Whether you're taking over your parents' basement or moving to campus, IKEA has hundreds of design ideas and affordable options to complement any budget. After all, you're in your small space era. It's time to own it. Shop now at IKEA.ca.

I'm Chris Hadfield. I'm an astronaut, an author, a citizen of planet Earth. Join me for a six-part journey into the systems that power the world. Real conversations with real people who are shaping the future of energy. politics, no, empty talk, just solutions-focused conversations on the challenges we must overcome and the possibilities that lie ahead. This is on energy. Listen wherever you get your podcasts. All right, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Dimitri King, everybody, Dimitri

King. Yeah. What's up, Austin? Where my weed smoker's at? Man, you gotta really watch what you smoke these days. I smoke this strain called Think About It. Yeah, think about it. Messed up my whole day. I took two hits.

And I thought to myself, I wonder what white people's favorite rap song to sing and say nigger when niggas ain't around. Because you know they got one. They at least got one that they scream on their way to work at 8 o'clock in the morning. So I've compiled the top five songs that I believe white people say nigger

when niggas ain't around. Number five. I'm just kidding, white people. I ain't going to expose y'all like that. No, no. I'd rather let you have a very weird conversation with your black friend the next time you get in the car

and close the door and the radio turns on and he looks over at you and goes, what the fuck do you be singing in here? That's my time. Okay, Dimitri King. We didn't even get any examples. I was excited to hear the N-word. Yeah.

What's your favorite time to say the N-word? Usually when I wake up. Same. Dimitri, how long have you been when stand up? So technically, 10 years, but I just came back on stage for the first time after eight years. Okay. Wow. So you did it for two years and then took an eight years?

two years and then took an eight-year break. Exactly. Why, like the lunch break there, Dimitri. A little bit, a little bit. Okay, normally when someone does something and comes back... Sounds like my father. Yeah. Come on now, you know knickers don't come back.

Dimitri, what do you do for work? I'm actually a founder of a tech company. Whoa, founder of a tech company. What exactly is this tech company? It's called Market Match, so it's a fun way to do market research and surveys using Swike technology. Wow.

You're a founder. Did you make a lot of money from that? I'm starting to. Oh, my goodness. What are we talking about, like, how much money? I mean, you're going to say all that. Yeah, why not? No, I'm good.

Come on. It's a fun show. Like, what do you make a month? Oh, it ain't that fun. I don't feel like getting robbed of fun. You have it. You carry, you take it all, and you turn it into cash and you keep it on you?

You don't have to have cash to get robbed. Okay. All right. Fun answer. Dimitri. What do you have a wife, girlfriend? Yeah, have a wife and a kid. What does she do?

She's an executive assistant for a startup. Okay. Look at you guys. Founder, executive assistant for a startup. Amazing. You have kids? I do. How many kids?

Just one kid. How old is the kid? He's six. Six. So that's why you stopped. He's retarded. He gave it up for adoption. Okay.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Does someone read hurt my bio before I came up here? Uh, yes. So, Dimitri, what do you do for fun? This. Other than this? I just go out and hang with my friends.

It's usually about it, traveling. What scares you? What are you scared of? You seem very comfortable on stage. I would say. Dolphins, perhaps. Yeah. No, I want you to think of your own answer.

Thank you, Red Band. It was totally worth it. I would say standing up here and not getting a single laugh. That might be the scariest thing ever. Wow, you'd be amazed how many people faced your fears tonight. It happened a bunch, Dimitri. Dimitri King, any relation to Martin Luther? Not that I know of.

Okay. Maybe Martin Phillips. Oh. All right. Dimitri King. Most interesting thing about your life? I just started my business and, you know, I'm looking to bring it out to the world. That's about it.

Okay. Anything at all. Anything interesting about your life other than the business. A little fun fact about Dimitri King. Like, for example, you once almost died or you saved somebody's life. So actually, yeah, I actually almost died. I'm diabetic, and I found out by being diabetic by basically being put in ICU. And I should have died, but I did not.

Okay. My sugar was so high that I should have died, but I did not die. And luckily, I'm here in front of you. That's everybody black. Yeah. I believe it's called Kool-Aids. What did you have or consume that put your blood sugar into such a precarious position?

Chocolate milk. Wow, wow, that is incredible. Did you make the chocolate milk yourself? Did you mix the syrup in or did you pre-buy it already mixed? Chocolate milk, Red Band loves this question. It's a good question, it is. Because you can control the amount of chocolate if you have the Hershey's thing, so it's a good one.

Oh, no, it was the Dutch, Dutch boarded and chocolate milk. So it was the pre-mixed. Well, we know. Bored it in very well. Very interesting. Tom, can I give you a fun fact? Yeah. About chocolate milk?

Oh, please. I only drink it if I have somebody pregnant. Why? I don't know what it is. I know if somebody's pregnant by me, that's when I started drinking fucking chocolate milk. Any other time, I hate the shit. I didn't drink chocolate milk nine.

times. That's how many kids you have. Exactly. Other than that, I don't fuck with it. All white milk, buddy. That is incredible. Amazing. What an interesting fun fact.

Chocolate milk. Do you drink it? Ollie, when you drink it when you're girl's pregnant, do you drink it straight out of her breast? That's where it comes from, right? where it comes from, right? Black women's milk almost killed you, pal. You're right. You did almost get

murdered by chocolate milk. That is an amazing fun fact. They said I had a 2% chance of living. Whoa, hell yeah. Okay. My goodness, Dimitri. All right. Ask him if he's related to Bernard King. Are you any relation to Bernard King? Bernard King?

What about Rodney King? Junior, Jr. Who? Junior, Jr. Rodney King, Jr. Okay. I don't even know. Still bombing.

It's fucking terrible. Yeah, I know. I'm sorry. That's what happened when you go in an eight-year hiatus, you know? Did you think of any of the jokes that you did from the first 10 years? I did.

And what happened to those? Those jokes were good, but they were older. So I was like, I figured I tried something new. Oh, so your jokes don't stay. the test of time. I guess not. Okay. I'm done interviewing him.

Like milk, they expire quickly. Dimitri, Fun Times. Here's a medium-sized joke book, my friend. Whoa. Whoa. You can't fucking catch. The only one of the night to not catch. Oh.

Wow. Two miscatches. Let it be known that Dr. Rabbit caught her joke book in a stunning turn of events. Nobody thought it was possible. Meanwhile, the six-foot-five black man avoided the joke book like it was a couplet of chocolate milk. Absolutely incredible.

One more time for Dimitri King. I very rarely get to use the word couplet on this show, and I'm excited. I got it in. If that was on your bingo card, you just won a billion dollars. Okay, dokey, we're having fun. We're in a silly mood tonight. There was weed going around in the green room. Ladies and gentlemen, your final bucket pull of the night goes.

by the name of Mason Bird. It is time for Mason Bird. I have the mindset of an NFL quarterback when I have sex. If I go three and out one more time, they're going to put in the black guy. And they should. The black guys can do spin moves in the pussy. I'm much more of a pocket pussy passer.

My pocket presence is crazy, dude. No, I don't use a pocket pussy. I know what I look like. I know I look like I know serial numbers. Is that the X-472? Not sloppy enough for me, dude. There's not double standards in this life. Like if a guy likes trains, he's autistic.

But if a girl likes trains, she's the coolest girl ever, dude. Mason Bird. Fantastic, Mason. You've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. And you were funny last time. Thank you very much.

You're a funny guy. How long you've been doing it? Three years next week. And you're from where? Detroit. Detroit. And you live here now. Yes, sir.

Hell yeah. You're doing great, Mason. What do you do? How do you make money? Right now, I'm at Jersey Mike still. Absolutely. Yeah, dude. I know how to make sandwiches, man.

Fuck yes. So do 100% of the people in the room. It's incredible. You take the fucking bread, you put the shit on it, and then you put the other piece of bread on top. Unbelievable work, Amazir. How many times have you been in the ICU for your diabetes? Completely healthy, young man.

Never. I don't have diabetes. I'm certain I'm close. But I'm... You said completely healthy? Somebody get Dr. Rabbit back out of us. You can see him. I'm an athletic, I'm an athletic fat. I'm an athletic fat, all right? Yeah.

What kind of athletics do you do exactly? I play basketball. I lift weights. I swim sometimes. Yeah. But yeah, I'm a dominant. I'm an athlete. Do a squat, John D. says.

Whoa. Look at that. Oh, my God. Wow. Damn, they fell into that drum stand. Yeah, exactly. We just got a tsunami in the Philippines. My goodness, Mason Bird, talking about being bad at sex, being replaced three and out.

Are you really bad at sex, Mason? I'm good at sex. What are some of your big moves in the bedroom? I like to pin a girl against the wall with consent, of course. Adding the word consent makes it a little bit creepy. Yeah. I feel like any room you're in, the girl's pinned against the wall.

Yeah, exactly. Exactly. So you put her up against the wall, and then what exactly would you do? Because there's space in between. Yeah, so you got to create space, right? So you put the legs by the ankles, kind of like a really weird V situation.

When you say put the legs by the ankles, legs are on top of ankles already. All right, sorry, put the ankles, top of your shoulders is what I meant to say yes creating the V formation the flying V quack quack the mighty ducks mighty ducks there's a man losing his mind in the middle of the room right now fear of the mighty ducks and he's having a mental breakdown talk space use the code space 8-0 he seemed to have a lot of competition with black men too in the bedroom what's up with that I think

Like every white guy does. You know, like fat women like me and they also like black guys. Ah, yes. No, we like them. Hit the money sign. Cheeching! Well, if you get them wet enough, you don't have to worry about the black guys swimming in it. All right, fuck you guys.

Don't get it. I'm gonna pee again. Oh, no. So you mostly hook up with bigger women? Yeah, pretty big girls, sometimes black women. Ooh, tell us about your experience with black women. It's like the thing where black guys like fat women, they kind of like black women like fat white men.

Whoa, I have never heard this before. They're very aggressive to me, Tony. They're like, what you doing later, big boy? Whoa, hell yeah. And then they found out you make sounds. Get the fuck away from me, big boy. They call me Big Boy. They want it, for sure.

Oh, shit. Wow. Okay, so tell us about your experiences with black women. Have you noticed what's different between having sex with a black woman than a white woman? They're a lot more bossy. They tell you what they want. And, like, I've heard it before on the show, but it is warmer. It is.

Yes. Can you give some examples of what black women have bossed you around to do in the bedroom? Lift up your belly. Rub it. Eat this pussy, big boy. That looks like the only thing you don't eat. Am I right?

I mean, like... You're good a pussy eater? I'm not over I'm good at it. I don't get a lot of opportunities. Do you have to put it between two pieces of bread to be able to enjoy it. He has some black woman left on his shirt. Oh, my goodness, gracious.

Oh, my goodness, gracious. Mason Bird. You see your parents are back up in Detroit? They alive? Mom, alive, dad, dead. What happened to dad? Cirrhosis of the liver. Ooh, red band.

Redband, our chief cirrhosis of the liver correspondent. Even the liver was black. Oh, my goodness, gracious. She always said something black would take him out. It just was his liver, us. Amazing. Y'all going to stop blaming shit on us. In Detroit, they are, all right.

Mason, incredible stuff. So fun. Do you have any other hobbies other than stand-up and making sandwiches? I like to go walks in the middle of the night. Oh, okay. It's not anything weird, not anything weird. I just, I feel safe in the middle of the night.

Fucking peeping Tom. What else? I have a cat. I like to feed my cat. I like to make her fat, too. Oh, okay. What's the cat's name? Clover.

Oh. But I call her stinky for the most part. Stinky? Yeah. Wow. I'm sorry. Okay. You sleep with the cat?

She crawled with the bed sometimes, but sometimes not. You can't confuse this shit. It's Chloe. Come in, stinky. I like going to strip club sometimes. Ooh, okay. All right. What do you tend to do with the strip club?

The first time I went to a strip, I went with my father. And he kind of showed me the way. It's just following his footsteps. I like to go in, you know, get a laugh dance, and be awkward with the strippers. Most awkward moment you've ever had. Hold on. Let's check him with Ali Sadie.

See, that's not a black one on this shirt. That's a stripper. Ah, that is true. Stripper juice, ladies, no doubt about it. We've seen this before. What's the most awkward moment you've ever had with a stripper? I try to walk up to a lady for like 45 seconds and awkwardly like, trying to give her money.

And I just kept walking away awkwardly. And the security got called. Like, what's this guy's steal? And then they were scared because I was bigger than them. And the more security showed up. and then they let me keep hanging out actually it was the weirdest he actually does lap band dances do you have any plans on losing the weight

yes I actually got a gold's gym membership last time I've been on wow haven't gone yet you haven't gone it's just $30 a month I'm eating he loves eating how come you haven't gone yet um laziness uh i guess fear of inadequacy oh proper answer yeah like i guess i'm just afraid to be embarrassed at the gym by jack guys um yeah because fuck those guys right no uh i'm just you're jack too jack in the box

mason fun times congratulations you did it again you already have a big joke book right yes sir there he goes mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen, and that is the bucket portion of the show. Now, it's an interesting one tonight, ladies and gentlemen, because I must inform you that William Montgomery is on a very rare vacation with his family. Yes, very rare. And Ari Mati is sick. Came back from the road, and he's sick. Hans Kim is stuck, locked in a sushi restaurant, right? now. And Cam Patterson is yet again filming another movie, a wild success story. So, you might be wondering, what the hell people are saying? There's Latino men wearing sunglasses going,

what the hell they do? Literally, right now. So, closing tonight's show, ladies and gentlemen, a very, very polarizing figure in the history of the show. Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, the long-awaited return of Uncle Laser. Y'all we got any trans people in there? I'm still going to fucking talk about y'all. What's up? Hey, listen, I got invited to a drag brunch yesterday. Okay, that's not the funny part, sir.

But I know what you're thinking. Same thing I was thinking, like, bottomless mimosis, NASCAR, count me in, you know? And when I get there, it's bottomless mimosis, but it's like post-op pit crew dressed up like Mrs. Doubtfire, okay? Their wieners tucked under, Lady Gaga's, I was born this way. I'm just like, you weren't fucking born that way, you know? You weren't.

But I get about 16 goddamn mimosas deep, and I forgot where we're, was, and your boy got ready to risk it all on a girl named Peter, okay, and me and Peter started fucking sexing back and forth, and I'm a shooter, so I led with a dick pick, got one back. And I was like, what's that? She goes, that's before. I said, what's after? And she's like, well, you know, I'm post up.

My wiener done being repaired into a lady's vagina. And I said, well, that's not Christian, you know. y'all ever seen a wiener that's been turned into a vagina y'all ever reheat lasagna in the microwave for too long but y'all ever been inside a wiener that's been repaired into one's vagina a lot shallower than you think it is a lot more shaller It's like you ever cannonball into a kiddie pool and scrape your knee on the concrete? My name's Uncle Laser. Y'all been fucking Greg.

Wow. I mean, wow. Uncle Mother fucking Laser. I know exactly what I want to say right now. It's amazing because all the golden ticket winners, boom, they started with a bang. All the regulars had something so promising. and boom, you know what I mean?

We always watched them be good and then keep learning their voice and focusing harder. When you started on the show, you were nothing more than a funny character. You weren't a real comedian. There was no definitive moments of actual punches. There was just a bunch of silly, funny stuff happening

and no big bangs throughout the minute. And you worked it out. You've been going on the real. You've done everything that a working comedian can possibly do. And it is amazing to watch your growth on the show. Absolutely incredible fucking performance. I think my favorite that you've ever had on this show. But in real time, I mean, that's what's incredible about this art form,

is the people that really apply themselves, you get growth, you see results. So that's amazing. I mean, you could go back all the way to the first Uncle Laser appearance and you would go, what the fuck is going on here? And then here you are. The character that you've always had is defined and

you're working. And it's funny throughout. And it's still your silly, weird, like, meth-y, fucking white trash tone. So you're still on brand, but it's amazing that that was very funny, Uncle Laser. How's life going?

Fucking terrible. Tell us more. See, you know I got a problem with the homeless. Yeah. It's been stated on this show. And they must be at the public library, seeing all the shit I'm talking about them on social media, because I got my goddamn car stolen out of my driveway other day by a couple homeless people.

And I fucking recover it, and they took a big, creamy shit in the back. And homeless shit smells different than regular shit. It smells like it wants to borrow some change, you know. And... But then, you know, I recovered the motherfucker. And to make matters worse, and then about a couple hours there, I get a call. Because while I was back on this show, I told you, I got my merch stolen in Santa Fe, New Mexico, and couldn't locate it. Well, it's been located, okay, and a detective from the Santa Fe police department called me.

He said, are you Uncle Laser? And I said, this is him. He said, man, we located your merch. I was like, cool. We're like, where's it at? Can I come pick it up? He goes, well, no, it's part of investigation. we set up a sex child predator sting

and nine fucking homeless dudes came in your merch shirts to meet this 13-year-old girl at the house and I'm like God damn's right fucking D-Madness try having your face on the motherfucking shirt when they're coming to do all that shit so I don't know man what you know we're just out here wow so your merch is basically the Yankee jerseys

of pedophiles that's incredible Yeah, yeah. Wow. You know, just the regular... I got... I've met some dominations there in Vancouver this past weekend.

Okay. And, you know, I'm always up for whatever. And I had these two of them they fucking tag teamed me and tied me up on a goddamn closet hung me upside down and jerked me off to, on a repeat to Ozzy Osbourne's Mr. Crowley

and, you know. Antonio, you ever have anything ever put in your ass before? Surprisingly not. Okay. Shockingly not. Well, I have. Okay. And let me tell you, first or foremost, fellas, there's G-spot in your asshole, okay?

And if activated correctly, okay, you will ejaculate a bottle of Hidden Valley Ranch. Wow. It's got the viscosity of fix the flat. He can fix any tire in town, I'm sure of it. And, you know, sometimes I'm just thinking I should just work. wear sleeves, but here we are, you know, here we are. Red Band has a confused look on his face. He absolutely loves Hidden Valley Ranch,

and he's now wondering if that will work if he ever orders fries and they forget, Postmates forgets his ranch on this side. He's, you've ever put a finger on your own ass, Tony, but never, never. You didn't even go through the first water line. Nope. No, I had no interest in that.

In the shower, not once. Have you? Is that what you're saying? I think every guy at least one. and a shower's like, let's just see what it's about. Make some noise, gentlemen, if you put a finger in your ass. All right. What a bunch of shy bitches.

God, Red Band. Jesus Christ. Hi man, happy birthday. It is Red Band's birthday. How many you think we should shove a birthday candle up his ass and light it right now? Those sweet butter cakes. All right. Uncle Laser, so great.

Unbelievable set. Congratulations. Fantastic to watch your growth in real time. It is possible, people. If you don't believe me, go watch Uncle Laser's first three sets on this show. First seven. People hated me.

They were furious with me, but we were friends, friends, and we had a lot of mutual friends back then. and I knew you were funny, and now you're showing it in real time on stage. Incredible. Can I shake his hand real quick? I'm a big fan of him.

He's never touched a black guy. This is very exciting. Look at that, everybody. Yeah, I'm from Richmond Rosenberg. I spent a lot of time in Moe City. Like, Zero is my favorite goddamn rapper, so I didn't know that. I didn't know you from Houston, so. Wow.

H-Town, hold me down, motherfucker. Oh, whoa. Oh, my God. We get it, baby. Wow. Thank you, Tony. There he is. Everybody, Uncle Layser trying to up his street cred

before getting off. There he goes. How loud can this place get for Ali Sadiq and Kim Kongden, huh? Ali Sadiq's new special, two new specials just dropped. Ali Sadiq comedy on YouTube. He's on tour at Ali Sadiq.com. That's S-I-D-D-I-Q. Ollie, you made me laugh

so fucking hard tonight. Absolutely incredible. Unbelievable. One more time for the great Kim Condon. Twelve and a half years of being killed Tony Royalty. One of the original regulars, Kim Congdon.com for tickets to Nashville, Tacoma, Charlotte, Fort Wayne, Dallas. It's all happening,

people. Thank you to ZipRecruiter, Shopify prize fix and open phone. The drawing from Ryan Jee Belt is in. It's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, James McCann with ice cream. All right. That's a special one. All right. How about one more time for the best damn

band in the land? Fernando Castillo, Raoul Vallejo, Carlos, Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, Matt Mueling, John D's, and D. Madness, Red Band. Check out the Secret Show every Thursday, Sunset, Strip, ATX. Love you guys. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday.

Go to Sunset StripATX.com for tickets. You know, You know, I'm going to You know, Thank you. Thank you.