KILL TONY - #734 - DUSTY SLAY + MARTIN PHILLIPS

Episode Date: September 9, 2025

Dusty Slay, Martin Phillips, Ari Matti, Kam Patterson, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 08/18/2025 Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little BlueChew. Discover your options at https://bluechew.com and use promo code TONY! 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day, and if you go to https://ziprecruiter.com/killtony right now, you can try it FOR FREE. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out Shop Squad.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Kill Tony It's a brand new episode of Kill Tony It's Red Man Come to Live from the Comedy Mothership

Here in Austin, Texas For a brand new episode of Kill Tony Give it up for Tony It's clear! Guys, who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives? Yippee! The best damn band in the land, everybody! Come on!

Fernando Castillo, Raou, Vallejo, Carlos, Sosa, Soza, Michael Gonzalez, nachos, Belgronde, Matt Mueling on the electric guitar, John D's on the keys, and that's D. Madness on the bass guitar, ladies and gentlemen. Wow. What an exciting night we have ahead of us. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so excited about this one. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Hi, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, enter the room. Dick first. Blue Chew isn't just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a gym membership. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Nothing does it better than Blue Chew. Discover your options of bluechew.com, and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Blue Chew free. Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping. That's it. Join Bluechew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Head to Bluechoo.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to Bluechoo for sponsoring the podcast.

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So the best tap is in town might be in a new town. all together. I'm in the moment, baby. That's the powerful backing of Amex. Terms and conditions apply. Learn more at Amex.ca slash YAMX. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show or what? Every single week I bring up two of the funniest human beings on planet Earth to join us.

We are coming off hot of what I truly believe is our greatest. episode ever with Rob Schneider and Donnell Rawlings. Tonight, I present to you another first-time duo on panel. One of them has one of the newest specials on Netflix, Wet Heat. The other is Kill Tony Royalty, being one of the most used and loved golden ticket winners ever, yet he's never been on panel before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Dusty Slay and Martin Phillips. Yeah, Dusty!

Welcome, Dusty. Martin Phillips. Fuck yeah. This episode brought to you by Shopify. Welcome, welcome, welcome. This is our first time working together, Dusty. Yes, it is. We were eating lobster rolls upstairs, having a good old time.

I'm excited for you to be here. Dusty has wet heat. out on Netflix. The podcast, we're having a good time, and he's on tour at dusty sleigh.com. One of the best comedians working today. Thank you, Tony. Welcome. I like this panel we have here. You guys look like a before and after for hair.

Martin Phillips, how you doing down there? I'm good. I'm here. Hell yeah. You know, I started just doing it in a minute. Now I'm on panel. Now, I'm the captain now. Oh, there it is.

That's why he's wearing the hat. Now it all makes sense. You're... Captain Phillips. And me and Martin did a show together 10 years ago at an Italian restaurant in Port Smith, Virginia. And now here we are.

Wow. Full circle. Look at that. From Phil Tony to Kill Tony. Yes. An Italian restaurant to here. Captain Phillips. Yes.

And I came prepared because I knew I'd be up on stage the whole night. So to make sure my head is staying straight, I have a mirror. What? Oh, he's got a mirror. To make sure his head is straight. You also have a corn cob pipe.

Yeah. I turns out I can't keep the mirror still. So they got a hard. The Coke's been spilling off in the back. Party machine, Martin Phillips, Dusty Slay's first time on this show. Dusty, if you don't know, over 300 human beings signed up

for the opportunity to be on tonight's show. They're all slammed together in a bar next door. If I pull one of their names out like I'm doing right now, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up when they hear the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood Bear. It's just a loud noise.

It interrupts them. I conduct an interview. We sit back and we learn more about the people. We talk to them all together. The whole thing's improvised. Anything can happen. You guys ready to start tonight's fucking show?

While we go wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner to start us off with a brand new minute. This is his first time cashing in on his golden ticket. He won it just a few weeks ago when he came out blind as a bat and impressed us all.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first golden ticket appearance by Chris Celio, everybody. Here he comes. What up? All right I had to make sure. I fucking just moved here.

I moved from Miami. I moved 1,000 miles away from where I grew up my entire life. Now I really don't know where the fuck I am. It's like I'm in a part of a video game that hasn't loaded yet. It sucks that like I'm the only guy in here that just gets stuck like a Roomba. Like if I don't tap, tap, tap and find the exit, I'm just going to stand there and beep until somebody picks me up.

Like, home. Home, please, I have to shit. You don't know how long you can hold in a shit into your me. And you never know where another bathroom's ever going to be, dude. You're like, well, I guess I'm never going to shit again. It sucks that, like, I'm the only guy in here that has to send his dick picks to his boys first for approval.

Yeah, I gotta be like, yo, yo, yo, yo. Is this a good one? And then they get to be like, why is your dog in the shot, Chris? Were you aiming for all balls by chance? This is just half your cock and not the good half. It's all root. Nobody wants all root. Thank you guys very much, yeah.

Chris. See, Leo. Hell yeah. Welcome back to the show, Chris. This time, this way, right? Yeah, we're over here. There's speakers everywhere. It could be easily confusing.

I love that you opened up with the line, What Up? Because you literally don't know. And then I thought of something. When you were talking about taking a shit, I realized how do you know when you're done, wiping. Do blind guys...

God damn it, Tony. Do blind guys smell the toilet paper? You smell your hand. Deep madness, let's get out of here, dude. We don't have to take this, dude. Somebody walk us out of here, dude. Fuck. No. We've kidnapped both of your handlers. You're gonna be here for the rest of the night.

Gonna bring a little porta potty up here. I'm fascinated that Chris had observational jokes. I just, I don't know how I touched Chris a lot in the back because I wanted him to know that I was talking to him, you know? I don't know how blind,

I didn't know how blind he was, if that makes sense. I don't know if that's offensive. 100%, don't worry. I don't think you can ask, you know, is this, you know what I mean? I agree completely. It's always, it's always different.

It's always, some people have a little bit of this, some people have a little bit of that. Him, Andy Madness, right behind you, completely 100% blind. Not a single thing to be seen between them. Party time, everybody. I love it.

So Chris, how's life been going since your last appearance? It's been super fun, dude. Well, going comedy around Austin. I've been, like, navigating Austin alone. Ooh. Which is terrifying. Yeah.

I had a pretty much homeless Uber driver the other day. They all are, but yep. I don't think it was. in Uber. I gotta think it's less scary to not see as you're walking. Yeah.

Yeah, it might actually be better for you. If you could see what's going on out there, you might move somewhere else. You'll go blind again. How do you navigate around by yourself? Explain that to us. Yeah, like, I take a lot of Ubers. You know, this guy was like literally like...

I am just fumbling my way through homeless encampments, avoiding HIV and stabbing. Aren't we all? I kicked the guy's cup the other day, and all of his change fell out. Oh. It was like all of the money I think he owned. How much was it? Could you tell from the sound?

Amazing stuff. So, Chris, tell us what do you do with the rest of your days? Like, what else goes on? I just jerk off a lot. All right. Look at that. Red band. You can go blind any day now.

No, I need... What are you jerking it, too, really? I wonder, like, is it feels? Are you thinking about feels? I mean, these are real questions, right? Yes, this is a great question. Like, somebody has a great voice. Yeah, I just...

What do you think about? Can you picture things? I go in Pornhub, man. I got a computer, you know? You just kind of listen to them? Yeah, I do just listen. but I can't like listen to a blowjaw video. Right.

Yeah, because to me, it's just slurping and gagging. It's not very accessible, you know? It could be a dude, so can that dude's dick. I wouldn't really know, you know. Like, that's just, that's just gay. Speak for yourself. Amazing stuff.

amazing stuff, Chris. Do you ever go on dates? What's that like? Yeah, I don't go on a lot of days. I got to take girls to, like, different restaurants, different dates, you know? Yeah.

Yeah, I don't think it's fair that I go to a restaurant unless we're both blindfolded. You know? I don't think it's cool that you just get to watch me eat steak on my hands. Yeah.

God's chopsticks, all right? But I, like, I'll take a girl like an escape room. Oh. Hell, yeah. And just see how she handles adversity, you know? Let's get some problem-solving skills going here, dude. I love it.

I love it, Chris. Other than jerking off and stand-up comedy, though, I mean, you must have, like, some hobby or something, right? I can play some video games while blind. No way. Yeah, yeah, there's, like, games. And that blows people's mind. They immediately think, all right, he's faking.

And I'm like, no, I play video games. very badly. I'll just run into a wall for like an hour and just be like, I'm going to get it. You know, like, God damn and I'm going to beat this level. You're really just pushing buttons, right? Yeah, my brother has the controller unplugged.

Wow. Are you close with your brother? Yeah, yeah. He moved out here with us, too. Nice. And he's, and he can see? Yeah. That would suck.

Yeah, I mean, it seemed like it was a genetic thing, though, right? you had or? I was just born like with fucked up eyes. Like it was just I just rolled bed. You know? Huh. Well, you're pretty annoyed right away. Just rolled them right back. Yeah. I was born with

a lot of fucked up there. Yeah. I knew. Yeah. I had like weird things like over my eyes. They didn't even know if I had eyes. In every other country me and Martin were river babies. You know? Like. We're thinking stone. They're like, oh, this is a two over babies.

Okay. We're dead. But we live in America, so we're here right now, Martin, all right? Boom. Absolutely. The American dream. Well, Chris, it was a great set. Great, amazing stuff.

Well written. You really crossed your eyes and dotted your teas. It was amazing. Red band? I'd love to have you back on the Secret Show Thursday, man. Look at that. Another real gig for Chris. See, Leo.

And there he goes, ladies and gentlemen. We were just kidding. There's your handler. Look at him. Somehow, seeming more blind than the blind guy. Just a super confused handler. Can we get a handler for his handler? I've made someone to guide his handler.

All right, folks. This is it. The bread and butter of the show. To the bucket we go, where anything can happen, where we've met every single comedian who's ever been on this show, and it goes like this. Ladies and gentlemen, 60 seconds uninterrupted for Pete Garza, everybody.

We're going to meet Pete Garza. I tried a gloryhole for the first time. I don't get why you wouldn't just shit in the toilet. That other guy was fucking pissed. Got on his shoes. I got to stop going to strip clubs I got an argument with the stripper the last time I went

she wanted me to pay her $100 because I came in my pants I was like bitch I came in with that it's not even my Come, you don't know. You dumb fucking slut.

I did still pay her the money, though. Because I wanted to have sex with her. But hey, you guys know me. I always fuck with two condoms. Not even scared of pregnancy or STDs. I just hate the way that pussy feels. My name is Pete Godd's. much. All right. Pete Garzl. I liked it. You're a wild boy. How old are you, Pete?

I know this. I'm 24 next month. Okay. All right. So you're 23. Yes. I believe so. Perfect. How long you've been doing stand-up? Oh, I know this one too. You don't have to say that before every answer. I'm sorry. About a year and a half. Right? Yeah, because it was around the time Flupy the rat died. Okay, Pete. Wow.

All right. Who the fuck is Fluky the rat? What? Who's... Oh, he was a rat. He's dead now. Was he a pet? Yeah, you could call him that.

Yeah, he was... Yeah, he lived in a cage in my apartment and stuff. Your energy makes me uncomfortable. Really hitting the nail on the head with that one. I mean, just acknowledging what we're all feeling right now. It is an odd energy. What do you do for a living with energy like that? I've been working.

I was a caterer for weddings, but I just got another job at Pluckers and also a valet. I got to decide. You have to decide whether you want to work. at pluckers or valet. Big decisions. I know. I don't know. I also got to find a place to live, but, you know. Wow. Where do you live now? I'm crashing at a couple friends' houses.

Okay. How much stuff are you lugging around to each place? Oh, well, I got most of my things in Laredo right now, so I just have a couple bags with me. But... I take both jobs. You were a valet at a pluckers? Or they were separate? No, no, I'm going to be a certain... I'm asking Dusty.

You say you did both jobs. Oh, I'm saying you should take both. Oh, I thought you said you did both jobs. Oh, I have. Well, I have. But... Yeah, I think you should take both jobs. I think you should really, really start working.

You don't have a place to live. I know. It's very scary. Where are you from? I'm from Laredo originally, down south. How long have you lived in Austin? Five years. Five years. Have you ever had your own place?

Yeah, yeah. I moved here with my ex-girlfriend to go to UT. That did not work out. Really? Oh, shit. Yeah, no, it was during COVID, so I dropped out after a year. I had a full ride. How did you have a full ride?

I was, believe it or not, I was very smart back then. I had like a, yeah No, I had like a 15. I think we're all going with not. Right. Yeah. I don't think the strip club is the right move for you.

I agree. You're having some financial issues, it sounds like. Yeah. Yeah, well, I used to be doing pretty good. I was a valet at like a really nice resort, but I got fired from that. Why'd you get fired? I was late a lot.

Ah. And they gave me so many chances. It was really my fault. Wow. Wow. Do you have a car? Yes. What kind of car do you have? Mazda 6. I like the car a lot. Wow. All right. What do you like about it?

It's really pretty. It's blue. It's comfortable. And it's reliable. It's fun to drive. That's enough. That's enough. All right. Pete. What's something surprising about your life that we could never guess about you? Oh, this happened recently. I almost had a threesome with a married couple,

but then they asked me for a picture of my dick, and they told me that it was too big. So they... Prove it. No, no, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. They took my phone.

Right. That's what I would say, too, if I was in your position. How big are you? Red band asking for a measurement. Like, actually, like 20 centimeters. All right, very, very good. Okay, how big are you in real? I think that's like eight inches.

Wow, look at that. Someone would get a full ride if they hooked up with you. Do you have good girth or is it like a pencil? Okay, Red Band. Jesus Christ. We get your little silly thing in there, and then you just have to push it to the limit. What is the girth like on it?

All right. I don't... We don't really care. It's just a thing we do where he goes over the line, and then I pretend like I'm mad at him, but then I follow it up with the thing. There's a whole highlight reel of these things.

Did you have both condoms on in the pick? That's a good question. That's the girth. How big are you before you start wrapping multiple condoms around a three? three and a half. Yeah, I don't know, man. I just, I like the tightness of it all.

Uh-huh. All right, well. You're a weird guy. He really is. He really is. But a decent set, Pete. As wacky as you are and as odd as you are in the interview portion, I liked your set tonight.

Here's a big joke book. There you go. There he goes. There he goes, everybody. Pete Garza. Uh-oh. I know what that sound means. It's the lovely Heidi, everybody.

She's got a new website, Heidiregina.com. How exciting. Hi, everybody. This podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. Guys, enter the room, dick first. Blue Chew isn't just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch, stronger, harder, longer lasting like someone gave your downstairs a gym membership.

Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. And here is our senior sex correspondent, a red band. Tony, I love Blue Chew. They're providing the best ED treatment out there. Let's just say, I have added some mask to my main mask. Ooh, Louise's Red Band. It sounds good, guys. This isn't just about performance.

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Join Bluechew's mission to upgrade humanity, one thrust at a time. Head to BluChu.com for details and safety info. and big thanks to Blue Choo for sponsoring the podcast. It's Trixine Katte. You're from the Bald and the Beautiful and we have to talk to you about Audible. If you know anything about us, we are certified romanceopaths. Rose sniffing swoon lords. Soft-spoken sirens of sentiment.

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when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com. All right, your next bucket poll, everybody. Goes by the name of Jim Talley. Here we go. Jim Talley. Yeah, how are you doing tonight? Fuck yeah.

I want to talk about Elon Musk tonight, man. Yeah, I don't like the guy. You know, I don't like how he's trying to take humans to Mars. You know, I'm black. I'm not going. right? Look, maybe it's just my black anxiety speaking, and I just, I don't want to run the risk of getting in

no space slave rocket to be taking unknown lands, you know? You know what? You're going to stick us in the back of the rocket next to the thrusters and shit? Smelling the gas leaking shit, fuck that, all right? That's not NASA, that's Massa, all right? I'm going to need to see a return ticket or something, is what I'm trying to say.

But, no, I will give them some credit, though. I don't think he got a lot of flack for that Nazi salute. They said he did. I don't think it was a Nazi salute. Because I watched a lot of the historical footage and the Nazi salute. It's a lot more zesty than that. I'm serious, you know, Hitler was on some gay shit, you know?

Seriously, how many straight men you ever seen do this? Zieg Heil, right? My name's Jim Tully, guys. Jim Talley. Great set. Fresh off of almost beating a pro wrestler to death this weekend. No better place to come hide out from the police than here. Yes, sir.

At the mother ship. You are profusely sweating. Yo, I was walking here, and apparently they called me, and I was still outside the building, so I fucking jetted here. I'm black, so I got here fast. Wow. Oh, my goodness gracious. It is incredible.

You are soaking wet. He looked like you were just in a water park. Do you ever go to water parks? What do you think, Tony? No, I bet you don't. I don't swim. I don't like to swim. I don't like deep water at all.

Martin Phillips? Well, the captain's here. Look at me. I am the captain now, I'm fine. Wow. Jim, you've been on this show before, correct? Yeah, yeah, about two, three months ago. Okay, remind us, what do you do for work?

I'm a merchandiser for a international beverage company. Whoa. Yeah, I'll practice that backstage. Okay. Sounds great. I am afraid of how sweaty you are. It scared me, and I didn't want to say anything. But I don't want to go to Mars either.

I'm with you. You Dusty Slate? Yeah. Oh, shit. Hell yeah, man. All right. I see you on, my one fan in this whole place. That's what I'm talking about.

A little respect there. Yeah, I've seen him up in North Dakota. Yeah, it's cool. Dusty's the man. I think he wins. Dusty meat Ashy. Just kidding. Just kidding.

It's the opposite of Ashy. He's a self-moisterizing machine. It's absolutely incredible. Amazing. So Jim, what do you do for fun? I do this shit. I work out a lot. I practice voices from time to time. What type of workouts do you do? Are you out there lifting heavy white women? Yeah, I do look like I fuck whiteholes

But nah She's light skins, but yeah But anyways But no, I like power lifting and shit You know, I like to I want to be able to be in movies one day So I want to be able to be in shape for that shit Wow, okay

What else have you been doing To prepare for this possible movie career? Practicing monologues and, you know Again, voices and accents and all of that shit I wish I am kind of good at I'd like to hear a voice Yeah, me too Let's hear some of these voices

or accents. All right. Hello, guys. My name is Jim. All right. As you lot can tell, I'm not from here. That's pretty good. I'm into it.

I've got a few jokes for you lot tonight, and I'm going to do them, you're going to laugh, and then I'm going to go. Wow. You know what? I was going to arrest you, but I'm going to give you a warning instead. Wow. What else do we got? What else do we got up our sleeves over there? Do me.

Do me. No, don't do. Don't do Mark. Don't do Mark. Oh, what else thing I do? I can do an African accent? Mm-hmm. Yeah?

Oh, yeah. I actually was practicing this year earlier. I was thinking, what if I, like, what if I was to narrate a documentary about your life? Me? Yeah. Okay. You know? In an African accent?

Absolutely. Okay. Let's hear it. All right, here we go. Here is Tony. A gay man. You know what? I changed my mind. You're under arrest. You son of a bitch. How dare you? Oh yeah.

No, shit like that, huh? That's so fun, Jim. I love that. What else about your life? Tell us more, Jim. You have a girlfriend, you said? Yes, yes, I do. What does she do? Oh, she's a personal trainer, actually. Wow.

So she's in good shape? Exactly. Amazing. How long you've been with her? Five years now. Did you meet her at the gym? No, I didn't actually. We met on Hinge.

The dating app designed to be deleted. Thanks. Hell, yeah. Amazing. Where'd you go on your first date? She came to my house, actually, for our first day, and we went, like, walking around the park and shit. That's about it.

It was very boring, actually, I first time meeting each other. Did you hook up after that first? No, she wasn't trying to do it. She's a good girl. Right? Well, you were probably also drenched in sweat. You were probably wetter than she was on that first time. Probably. Probably. She was like, uh-uh, nigger, right? Now, is she just a light-skinned black woman, or is she mixed 50-50?

No, she's like, well, she's everything. She's all, she's Trinidadian, Belize. You know what, she's under arrest, too. I don't like the answers I'm getting here. Yeah, yeah. Wow. Jim, you ever have a near-death experience? Um, yeah. No, come on. Near death, yeah. I mean, kind of almost died, but I had an abscess that got infected

and it was closing up my tubes. It was kind of bad. Let me ask you a different question. Yeah, I didn't like that one. What scares you? What are you afraid of? Knives. Nibes. Tell me more about knives.

I'm scared of knives because I got circumcised in Africa when I was 16. Whoa, an African. That sounds like the near-death experience. I was hesitant on saying it, but yeah. My goodness. They use a knife, a regular knife on 16-year-old Africans. Wouldn't they need like a samurai sword or something like that? Butter knife?

A machete. Yeah. No, more like a machete. My dad actually got his cut with his machete. Really? Because like I did my shit in a hospital. Same time. No.

One, two, three. No. Quoteet. But not, anyway. What do you remember about that? That had to be totally traumatizing. A 16-year-old going in for a circumcision. Yeah, it was December 25th, 2009 on Christmas.

Wow. Exactly. No, I got eight shots of anesthesia. You got what? I got eight shots of anesthesia to my dick. Eight shots of anesthesia. They went around four times. they checked and I could still feel it and then they went around another four

listen I ain't gonna lie like I couldn't scream because my dad told me not to be a bitch but my dick let out like a eh like my dick was done you know is this when you started doing voices yeah my dick was the first one it was defest thank you but my dick grew it got bigger after that it did it's swelling So now I got ripped for her pleasure and shit, so. Hell yeah. Naturally.

Absolutely. I'll take that back. Don't show that on TV. Amazing. I want to show this to my mom. She's watching this. Sorry, Mom. That's right.

Where's your mom watching from? Where's she out? Right now, she's in South Florida. Okay. And she took you for the 16-year-old circumcision? No, I did that myself. You just went on your own? I asked the doctor.

I just made sure that my sister could take me to the actual hospital, but no, I did that myself. It was cheap. Wow, look at that. Eight shots of anesthesia. And your sister took you. Yes, sir. Her name's also anesthesia.

Close. It's Nyasa, so yeah. Really? Yeah, swear to God. Wow, incredible. Well, Jim Telly, fun times, fun set. I think you did it. Did you get a big joke book last time?

I did. Well, then there you go. Keep working on it. Come back again, Jim Telly. Look at this. We're having a good time, which is also the name of Dusty Slicz podcast. And it's also what's happening right now. All right, your next bucket pool looks like a new one.

Make some noise for Hal Sadi, everybody. Hal Sadi. Thank you. I got circumcised in Costa Rica. I used to sound like a lot. a girl when I was growing up, then my balls dropped. Now I sound like a woman. It's actually one of the reasons people would call me gay, so I stopped talking. Yeah, they can't call you a sissy if you don't say anything. Oh yes they can. So I stopped talking,

I stopped smiling. I stopped fucking dudes. What else does a guy need to do, you know? All right, I guess that's all I wanted to do. Meow, huh? It's another 15 seconds if you got anything else. Oh, let's see. I'm not a political guy, but actually my liberal friends, they annoy me a lot, and my conservative friends, they know me just as much.

But what I think is cool about that is that you all thought I had friends. Thank you. There it is. Hal Sadi. Oh, yeah, Hal. Welcome to the show. Is this your first time on? How long have you been on stand-up?

About six years over a span of 12, 12 years. Okay. I quit a couple times. Right. Yeah. Right. What made you quit? I got tired of repeating my jokes, and I started doing improv, and I thought that was fun.

It was? Then what happened? Then I like stand-up more. Right. And here you are. You live in Austin now? Yes, sir. For how long?

About three years. Okay. You moved here for stand-up? Yeah. Okay. How's it going? It's been pretty good. What do you do for work?

I'm a web developer. Okay. Yeah. How long you've been doing that? About 13 years. And you're fully employed? I'm self-employed, yeah. Okay.

Yeah. All right. Perfect. Hal-Sadi. What's the name Halcati? What is that? So it's, my name is actually Halalabi. I shortened it and it's Arabic.

Okay. Yeah. What kind of Arabic? My family's Lebanese. Oh, okay. Yeah. Very cool. I love it.

Do you always open your set with that circumcision joke or was that... No, I was just riffing on the guy. I just thought it was a weird coincidence. Did you do it in Costa Rica? Yeah, I grew up in Costa Rica, yeah. Oh, okay. So you really did. I heard it.

Yeah. Interesting. Was there anything odd about your circumstance? I was a baby, so... They do it differently in Costa Rica? Um, they probably ate it, I don't know. All right. Sick.

Yeah. How's your girth? Okay, red band. Red band. Come on, red band. It's pretty thin. Interesting. So tell us something

interesting about your life, How? Um, I hear the sound of flies in my head. Okay. All right. Explain that a little bit better for us. In Costa Rica, there's a lot of bugs, so I always hated that. So when I moved here, I always make...

There's one rule in my house. It's always to close the door, because that's how they get in. Right. Okay, that is how they get in. You hear these flies all the time? Yeah. You hear them right now?

Yeah. Really? Well, because of the noise. Yeah, but seriously, you like... Sometimes I get PTSD from it because if there was a time like multiple flies got into my house and I just kept getting like looking all over the place

hearing flies, yeah. Wow. So you hear them when they're there. Yeah. It's actually a positive thing. Yeah. Sometimes, yeah. I think we all suffer from that.

Do you need medication or something? What was that? Did you need medication or something? I think so, yeah. Yeah. You married? You have a girlfriend? I'm married, yeah.

Married? You have kids? No kids, just two dogs. Two dogs? Okay, you love your dogs. I love my dogs. What kind of dogs do you have? They're mutts.

They're both pit bull mixes. All right. Yeah. That's a ticking time bomb. There must be more to you, Hal. What else? You have any big passions? You collect, like, locomotives or something?

Locomotives. I do, like, trains, yeah. I'm trying to think. You know what? I had, like, stuff that I would prepare, and then when I got here, they just went away. They just flew out of your head. The flies.

Yeah. Yeah, the fly. Um, I, uh... Do you like fire trucks more than trains? Okay. All right. Do I look autistic? That's why?

A little bit. Just a touch. A little touch. Okay, red band. All right. All right, Hal. Well, here's a medium-sized joke book. There he goes.

Hal Sadi. All right. All right. We're having fun. You guys having fun out there? Here's another bucket pool for us, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Tripp Callahan, everyone. Trip Callahan.

Oh, my God. Guys, I saw Target. They got in trouble for selling tuck-friendly bikinis to children. I guess, like, a bikini with little. pouch where you can tuck the dick. And at first I thought, yeah, at first I thought it was weird, but then I realized it was probably even more weird to be against it.

Because basically what you're saying, if your son's wearing a bikini, then I want to see the cock. Yeah, dude, you're can't be trans unless it's fucking swinging. But I got weird opinions on everything. I still think race matters a lot. Like, for example, a white lab, that's a great dog. A black lab's also a great dog.

But a Chinese lab, that will shut down the world economy. I am against racism, though. Like, there's nothing I love more than when a racist gets poetic justice. Like, whenever I see a racist white chick, I always secretly hope she gets fat. Yeah, because then she has to fuck black dudes. Tripp Callahan.

Great set. Welcome, Tripp. Thank you. How long you've been doing stand-up? I did, like, once a year in college, but like four years. Four years. Where at? Pittsburgh and then here.

Awesome. How long have you been here? Like a year and a half or so? Awesome. What do you do for work? H.E.B., bro. Yo! In the good lords we trust.

The one true God who watches over us, Lord H.E.B. We were literally talking about it before the show in the green room. If you're wondering what we're talking about, we're talking about fucking little H.E.B. tricks that people don't even know. Red Band, would you like to tell the crowd what you informed us here just this evening, not even fucking an hour ago? You know, if you buy crabs or snow crab legs, you can just take them to. them and they will boil it for you

with a different kind of seasoning for free while you're shopping? So if you get crabs or lobsters, you go, you know what? Now cook it for me. While I go shop, I'm going to come back and pick up the crab legs the way I fucking want them. But I mean, I wouldn't

recommend talking to the people like this, but it's more like in your head, you know what I mean? You're like, please and thank you in real life. But in your head, you know they're just fucking cooking them for you. It's unbelievable. Is this a true fact? Do you work at H.E. Yeah, dude.

I work in, like, produce. I got, like, Happy Gilmore's job, basically. Wow. Incredible. So tell us more about your life at H.E.B. We love H.E.B. It's a dream sponsor. I'm sure it's right around the corner.

Well, it's not that bad, actually. I, like, I'm stalking shelves. I'm moving around pallets. And then sometimes they put me in the back with, like, the Mexicans, and I chop up fruit and stuff. Ooh, okay. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. I'm, like, the only white person on my... team, so it rules. Yeah, of course. Let me ask you something. There was a very controversial case. A young man, a young autistic boy recently was working at a grocery store, and they caught him eating a little bit of the, what they call, what would they call that gobacks or like the fruit cups or something? It was like, it was like outdated kind of stuff. I once worked at a grocery store when I was 16 years old, giant eagle in Youngstown, Ohio. Big Bear Kroger guy. Whoa, we remember both of these places

is very clearly to Ohio-based, extremely prolific grocery stores, nowhere near to the good lords at HGB. But how do you bend the rules? Do you ever take an old magazine? Because there's a lot of things that go on at grocery stores that you people don't even think about, you non-GIS. Well, we can take, like, the fruit. We just have to say we're sampling it

so we're, like, can give the customer a better experience. So you're kind of allowed to at H-E-B, which rules. A lot better than whatever. the fuck that. Do you remember what that one was? No, I don't. Oh, wait, it was, I do, I do almost remember. Is Ralph's...

No, no, no, no, no. It doesn't really matter, but yeah. No, it was, what was it? That was fires, yes. I got caught shoplifting there. Very controversial. You got caught shoplifting? Yeah, what did you shop?

The most embarrassing thing I ever. It was, no, it was, what's, what's a Ghostbusters 2 soundtrack, And one of the Apollo Abdul albums, I guess there was two different ones. It was the red one, I think. Look at that. I thought I was the gay one on this show.

Jeez, what do I have to gain weight to balance this? We're supposed to play our characters. Unbelievable. Wow. So tell us more about H.E.B. Tell us the, what we... It's clean, right? Yeah, it's pretty clean.

Yeah. I mean, I don't know. It's kind of just... like manual labor job it's not that hard but no we know we know yeah dude yeah but uh whoa but uh but i mean i i like it it's bad i worked in sales before i hated that dude so i actually don't mind it yeah wow it's not that funny sorry guys dusty what well i would just want like you like you'd dress like adam sandler and you have the job of happy gilmore are there other adam sandler things you do in your life yeah is it true

that you're still in fourth grade? Reading level, but yeah, dude. Dude, I play golf. I think that's Adam Sandler. Yeah, that counts. Yeah. I'm not good, though, dude. I love it.

Okay. Tripp, what else? What else about you? Tell us something crazy about your life that makes you different than everybody else. Well, I knew when I was growing up, I knew a guy who tried to become a serial killer. Ooh, tell us more.

He only got the two. He, like, failed. He got caught. But, uh, Two's not bad, though. That's still, like, not to be cereal. Well, he was like, he was like, he went to the other high school in my area.

He was like this fat Jewish rapper. And he would show up at parties in, like, freestyle or whatever. He wasn't good, but like, but then, like, when we went off to college, he started doing heroin. And he, like, took more than the recommended dose or whatever. So, yeah, he, uh, he OD'd. They bring them back. and like his brain was all fucked up

but also turned him into like a gay homosexual Ah That's what happened to me Yeah And he wasn't happy about it man Because like imagine you're doing heroin Which is like awesome And the next time you wake up

You can't come without getting fucked in the ass So Whoa Yeah So then he was like really mad at He started killing gay guys That's who he was killing? Yeah, other gay guys

Yeah But gay guys he went on dates with him Yeah, yeah, well, the one was not really like, this is like revenge. A little bit, man, well, the one guy he met on a dating app, this is how he got caught, he Uber to the guy's house, walked in, shot him, walked back out Uber'd home. So I think it left like a paper trail or something. Did a little heroin. Wow.

Bad date. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Amazing. I can't believe the Jewish serial killer used Uber, not Lyft. Good point. He's paying dollars more. Yeah, he didn't tip the guy much. I don't...

Yeah. Incredible. Tripp is your real name? No, my real name's Joseph, but I've been called Tripp since I was a baby. Why did they call you Tripp? Because I'm like the third, so like triple. It's like if a black dude's name, like, Trey,

it's sometimes the same thing. Oh, yeah, totally the same thing. I don't know. Martin trips all the time. Everybody calls it Martin. I should be Treb. I should be trained. I love it, Tripp.

Well, you had a great set. It was a very fun, very fun interview. Great stuff, man. Here's a big joke book. Come back, sign up again. Tripp Callahan. All right, let's do something special here, everyone. You may have been paying attention to this storyline,

but a couple months ago, I lost. A real big Texas Hold'em heads-up poker match. And I have to finish paying off my debt. This is my final debt. Is this spot? Wait, I didn't get charged for my donut. It was free with this Tim's rewards points. I think I just stole it.

I'm a donut stealer. Ooh. Earn points so fast, it'll seem too good to be true. Plus, join Tim's rewards today and get enough points for a free donut, drink, or timbets. With 800 points after registration, activation, and first purchase of a dollar or more, see the Tim's app for details at participating in restaurants in Canada for a limited time. Reading, playing, learning. Stellist lenses do more than just correct your child's vision.

They slow down the progression of myopia. So your child can continue to discover all the world has to offer through their own eyes. Light the path to a brighter future with stellar lenses for myopia control. Learn more at SLR.com and ask your family eye care professional for SELOR Stellist Lenses at your child's next visit. I'm going to bring to this stage a very funny man.

He's just starting out in stand-up comedy, but he is literally the number one ranked heads-up Texas Holden poker player in the world. He lives here in Austin, Texas. Make some noise for his second ever minute on Kiltoni. This is Doug Polk, everybody. Doug Polk! I'm a professional poker player, but this show changed my life.

Since my first appearance, my DMs have been flooded with dickpicks. Tony, can you please stop? I have a wife and kids. And besides, I only asked for one. I was at the store the other day and was denied beer because apparently you can't buy alcohol. before 10 a.m. in Texas. It's a dumb law, right? But the crazy part, these were non-alcoholic beers. When you're buying non-alcoholic beer at 9 in the morning,

you know you're a pretty serious non-alcoholic. You know what I knew? I had a late night out drinking. When I woke up the next morning, I could remember everything. It's getting pretty bad. I think it might be time to join non-alcoholics Anonymous. Can you imagine that? Hi, everybody. I'm Doug. I don't have any problems. It's a 0.0 step program.

It's just so nice not to take any daily steps. Am I right, Red Band? Big clothes on the Red Band. The slow head shake from Red Band always makes me laugh. Doug, fun time. Sorry about the dick picks. What are you going to do? That was a fun set.

Yeah. I heard a, so I came in with the dickpicks jokes, and then the first guy talked about dick pics, and the second guy talked about dick picks. I'm like, God damn, it's going to be a tough day. Every once in a while, a premise just goes through on and on. Usually it's jerking off and this and that, but it's a special dick pick episode of Kill Tony.

I think glory holes have also gotten two mentions here tonight, but anything can happen. You never know what's going to happen. But the non-alcoholics thing, interesting, right? kind of like a normal, regular attempt at a premise. Like, it's tricky. Is this true that you're addicted to non-alcoholic beer? Well, so I was at the store, and we were at, like, Whole Foods,

and we were checking out, and I go through, like, I'll be drinking or not drinking. And I was like, oh, I'll just grab some non-alcoholic beers. And it was 9.48 a.m. at Whole Foods. And they're just like, oh, sorry, we can't sell you these. Whole Foods. Boom, boom. Sorry, H.

This is an H-E-B-exclusive audience. even the people visiting of bend the knee to the dark lords of H.E.B. Does Nashville have a killer grocery store? Nashville? I don't think, you know, we have Publix. Publix is good. Oh, some real pop for Publix here. Publix is what's up.

We're shopping's a pleasure, they said. Martin, where do you do your shopping? Walmart. Wow. Ew. All right, ATB. All right, ATB. Okay.

All right. I am so kind of. I wanted to say it's, it feels like buying non-alcoholic beer at nine in the morning is a worse problem than buying regular beer. Yeah. Because they're just like, why? Yeah. They're both problems, but they're different. Yeah. But one seems worse to me. Yeah. Like you're like, I want to get started, but you know, I got stuff to do. a buzz off of non-alcoholic beers? No, no, I don't think so. Huh.

No. I'm not the actual of the expert. I guess I should have maybe clarified that. No, it's okay. An interesting fun fact about Doug is that he's so good at poker that he's kind of awkward at anything else. I don't know if you guys have ever seen, like, Magnus Carlson talk or anything or really anybody. None of them really make many public appearances when you're a freak savant.

Fun fact about Doug Polk is you have about 10 or 15 minutes. to beat him in poker. And at that point, he's already figured out where you look, where you blink, what you sound like, what you do, and every single thing that changes. So I know you think that you'd have a chance against him, but you really don't.

But you do in the first 10 or 15 minutes, and then after that... Yeah, well, the beautiful thing about poker is that there's a lot of luck, right? Because, like, if you play Magnus, Carlson, and chess, he's just going to crush you. But in poker, anyone can win, which is good, but the pro is obviously winning the long run.

Yeah, it's freaky. Yeah. Would you say that you have to know when to hold them and no one to fold them. There's a lot of truth to that song. For sure. And tell us, how, like, how are you doing? How's poker been going?

Update these people of what your life is like. Yeah, so I'm looking at my worst year ever this year. Ah. Yeah, I'm down, like, 700K. Oh, okay. Only $700,000, everybody. It's the cultural e-bubb? We'll get them there.

We'll get him there. I know which funds worse. $700K. Yeah, no doubt about it. So what is your plan to win back this money? Well, I'm going to, I guess, play more poker. Yeah. That's kind of all you got, you know.

Is there a reason why you're having a bad year? Is it just bad luck? Is it post-flop chaos? Are you in with the right odds? Getting your steps in? Are you misreading? Oh, look who's getting his revenge. Now that he knows you're down $700,000.

I think a little bit of his. I've been kind of focusing more on comedy and stuff like that and, you know, hanging out with some of the guys here or whatever. Yeah, we're a bad influence. Yeah, well, obviously I'm the one that's doing badly, but I've been hanging out with, like, Uncle Laser and... Oh, no. Oh, God.

You're getting non-alcoholic beer and then hanging out with Uncle Laser? That's even worse. Even D. Madness is like, I'm out of here, dude. This is some bullshit. He actually, he had me come open for him the other day. Uncle Laser. Yeah, yeah. Like a show here in Austin, yeah.

I put it on my nicest wife beater. That's great. Hell yeah. You know, what I just realized is Chris Celio on this episode, D. Madness on this episode. We have a big blind and a small blind here as well. One more thing. See, the worlds, they cross over.

One angry man just staring at me right into my eyes. Incredible. He did not like that joke. Doug, fun times. It's a fucking, it's a process. stand-up comedy. You came out and you nailed the joke on me. You closed with the red band thing, the non-alcoholic.

I agree with Dusty. I think that it's worth examining, kind of like flipping that if that makes sense, like flipping your take on it. Because it seems like you would be the craziest human being. Buying non-alcoholic beer that early in the morning.

Like you're trying to really chase some demon. Yeah. But not at the same time. And 700K, You know, sometimes you've got to know when to walk away and know when to run, you know. But Doug, it's been fun. We had fun playing poker that night.

And you're a great human being and very, very fun to watch. Make sure you check out his streams and whatnot. Very entertaining. Like a freak athlete. This guy beats the shit out of everybody. Even though he's 700K in the hole. but he's won millions of millions of millions before

so it sounds a lot sadder than it actually is are we still having fun out there everybody we're going back to the bucket everyone make some noise for Matt Campbell Matt Campbell Hello I'm English or as you lot like to call me gay

thank you for that I had expectations when I came to this country, guys. Everything I learned about you lot is filtered through the media you send my way. So when I was coming up, high school musical coming out. What the fuck was that? An all-white basketball team on a state championship? Fuck right off. I was also disappointed.

the sequel didn't involve a school shooting scene. I was completely unprepared for these high school drills, guys. You have to understand, I didn't know a shit about basketball. Fuck me, sideways. My dad's South African, which means I'm genetically racist. But he has a poster of Mandela. That's been my time. The cat was a little loud there.

Would you say your dad is? He's South African. Okay. All right. Welcome, welcome. How long have you been to stand-up? Almost five years. All of it in England?

No, I started in America. Colorado. Okay. What made you start in Colorado? Nasty breakup. So you fell in love with an American girl? I did. I moved to Colorado.

I know. And how long were you in Colorado? I know that you know. I'm just keeping everybody together so the interview makes sense here. You're just peeling me apart, man. I'm sorry. So how did you meet this American girl?

Oh, no, no, no. I moved out here well before that. My dad got a job when I was 15. And then I moved out here with him. He's not brave or anything. He's not in the military. He's just like a tech support guy. We know. He's English.

South African if he was paying attention. But he's a citizen of England, right? No? So he's just in England? He's American now. Oh, he lives in America. He went from South Africa to America. Yes.

How did you end up in England? My mother's vagina. How did your dad end up in your mother's vagina if that was in England? He worked very, very hard. Did he visit England? A lot. Right. So your dad's been in England.

Oh, yeah, no, yeah. But he never lived there? No, we lived there for a while. He lived there for a while. He lived there for a while. So let's just rewind two minutes. You little fucking smirmy British bastard coming in to have your moment.

British comedian kills killed Tony. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. Look at this clip. You son of a bitch. All right. So Matt, what do you do for work? Valet. The W. Hotel.

Wow. The W. Hotel. Ooh. You're not also picking up shifts at a cluckers? No, but they desperately needed a diversity hire. And I was the best they could get. Of course. Yeah.

Of course. Everybody loves that wacky accent. So you're a valet, a job that absolutely will be taken over by robots in no time. I'm sorted. What's your big goal? What are you going to do? You focus on stand-up. You do a lot of spots.

Yeah. You love it. I'm going to Houston next month, but other than that, pretty good right now. What are you doing in Houston? I got a, apparently, a drug show. Ooh. I don't do a lot of drugs, but I'm prepared. What are they going to make you do?

Smoke the Devil's Letters? Yes, frequently. Wow. My dad likes to call it the wacky-backy, which is pretty fun. Wow. He's old. He's like near 70. Wow. Those South Africans, they just fucking...

They age like black dudes. It's great. It's amazing. They are from Africa. Yes. Have you spent any time in South Africa? Yeah, a couple trips. Yeah.

Do you ever hear flies inside your head? No, no, never flies inside my head. But I remember one trip, I went to visit my grandmother, and the most vivid memory I have of It's just her walking up to me and squashing a chameleon in front of me when I was four. Wow. Yeah, just with a big rock, 60-year-old grandma. Were you playing with the chameleon? No, I was just looking at it.

Oh, wow. It's tragic. But you were looking at it, enjoying it. Yeah, I was happy in that moment. And she could see it? Yeah. She knew. That's all the chameleon.

Well, Martin, if you know, Martin, if you know anything about South Africa, it was definitely the wrong color, all right? Ooh, that sounds like your grandma goes after a lot of... Chameleons, yes, yeah, yeah. Different colors, I guess. Matt Campbell. Tell us something else wacky about your life, Matt. I went to an all-boys Catholic school in the UK. Okay.

Ah, hitting the old pipe, celebrating his victory. No. So this girl in Colorado, she broke your heart? Yeah. Tell us about it. How did she break your heart? She had a fat ass. Oh, hell yeah. You don't find those in England. No. They look and sound like me, Tony. Oh, I know. Yeah. I know. We were just there.

How was it? Do you enjoy it? No. Oh, it's the... We literally hated everything about it. Worst week of our lives. Yeah, it was the worst. Were you thinking about doing comedy before the breakup, or did you just run right out and do it?

No, I've always kind of like comedy, but I never got the balls. She discouraged it? Yeah, no, she... It's not that she discouraged anything. It's just I sort of found nothing to care about after she gave that sweet pussy up, dude. How did she let you know that she was breaking up with you?

Oh, I found out she was texting a dude named Grandma. Ooh. Wow, turns out... That grandma was crushing chameleons, too. I know. Brickinson! Wow. Wow.

Damn. The old naughty grandma. She might as well have been. She was a little bit older than me. So she had it saved in her phone under grandma. It was under grandma. What kind of text was she sending to grandma? Filthy.

Filthy. Were you at first, like, is this how you talk to your grandma? No, I genuinely felt like... Is this what Americans do with their grandparents? I genuinely felt like Sherlock Holmes when I figured it out. Ah. And then realized I'd been retarded the whole time,

just not like... You're like, your grandma's up late. This grandma's really horny at 2 a.m. Was there a specific text or moment where you really figured it out? Yes. 7 o'clock in the morning. Yeah, what was it?

It was May 19th, 2021. Brutal, dude. Brutal. Just got out of the shower and she left her phone on the side. And grandma said, so when are you coming over? And coming was not spelled properly. Wow.

Grandma was old. Yeah. It's not spelled. Yeah, I'm not sure you made the right move here. move here. Yeah. This sounds, when are you coming over? I mean, that's not as dirty as I was expecting.

Two M's, but... Well, I got, I'm from Alabama. I got relatives that can't spell. I mean, that's not the worst misspelling I've seen. Matt, Matt, Matt, so how did you handle this situation? did you just had a quick spaz immediately gave up

and then just started doing comedy did she admit it not immediately because she was like staring at Bible quotes but like after we figured that out you know she was staring at Bible quotes

we took Jesus out of it yeah out of the argument what do you mean exactly well like in the moment when I found her cheating on me her phone she was reading

the Bible oh yeah oh that is the reddest flag humanly possible. So how did she talk to Jesus? Martin Phillips is on tour at Martin Phillips Comedy.com.

Wow. My goodness. Did she have any text message with Jesus in her phone, perhaps. I fucking hope not, man. I fucking hope not. Incredible, Matt. Well, fun times, my friend.

You're doing it. You're chasing the American dream. God damn right. Congratulations. There's a big joke book. There he goes. Matt Campbell, everyone. I'm English, but my father's South African.

I mean, mom. B'bhbhbhbh. All right, I have a feeling. The tone's about to change tremendously in this room. Make some noise for Mushroom Matt, everyone. There's Mushroom Matt. Alrighty, folks.

So I'm a bartender, right? Been bartending for over a decade. Make thousands of drinks. I've made thousands of drinks. People order some weird-ass shit. And, like, I don't blink, but one thing does throw me off, though. And that's when people ordered their drinks virgin.

I don't get it. I've never fucked a drink before serving it to a customer. You know, I don't pop the cherry before I garnish your Manhattan. I love alcohol, but I'm not going to stick my dick in your whiskey tonic. That's a health code violation. So, as a bartender, I've had a lot of different jobs, like a lot. I've worked at over 40 different restaurants. My friends say I'm a bar slut. And, you know, it's a good thing you can't catch an STD from working at a bunch of restaurants.

from working at a bunch of restaurants. Actually, I take that back. Don't sleep with the cocktail waitresses at P.F. Changs? Or Buffalo Wildlings. They look fun, but it's not worth it. So did y'all hear... Okay, that's good. Did you want to finish it? Is it a quick one?

Yeah, it's a quick one. Did y'all hear what? It's kind of stupid, but... They're gonna... Did you hear that they're going to deport everybody in Albuquerque in New Mexico? No. Yeah, that's right. Trump says, no more New Mexicans.

Ah, got it. Got it. You're right. Dumb as fuck, that joke is. Welcome, Mushroom Matt. How's going? Fun Times, Mushroom Matt. There's a lady that just got murdered in the middle of the room.

Let's talk about it. Did you really get STDs from P.F. Chang's BW3s? Yeah. Really? Yeah. Wow. What kind of STDs are we talking about? Chlamydia.

Wow. Yeah. I've had chlamydia twice, one from my high school sweetheart, and then one's from the girl at P.F. Chang's. Wow. That's why everyone's ordering virgin drinks from this. I make a mean, spicy martini. Wow.

The non-alcoholic beverages jokes are really flying tonight. I gotta tell you. How long you've been bartending mushroom, Matt? Ten years, or nine. How long have you been stand-up? So I started three years ago. I took like an intermission and then like I moved out here like six months ago and I've been going pretty hard since I moved out here.

What are you laughing so hard on over here? Took an intermission. Yeah. What do you mean by an intermission? I don't know. Somebody close to me died and I kind of just like stopped doing it for a while. Who was it? Who died? Her name was Nina.

She had a fentanyl O.D. I knew her since I was 12. She was like my high school sweetheart. Oh, of course. He gave you chlamydia. Yeah. Was she the one that gave you chlamydia? Yeah, yeah. I don't want to put her on blast, but...

Well, you can't put her on blast anymore, my friend. It's all good now. She's in a place where chlamydia doesn't exist. Uh-huh. I hope so. Yeah, I really hope so. I really hope so. Did you say you worked at 40 restaurants?

Yeah. Yeah. In nine years. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know.

It's like... So you're not that good at it. No, no. It's like the restaurant industry is weird, dude. Like there's places you'll go and you'll work and like after a month you're like, oh shit, this place sucks. Like they lie to you and then like you start working from and then like you end up getting screwed and then you're like, okay, this isn't worth it. Then you jump to another, jump to another. It takes a while to like find a good.

find a good spot. But once you find a good spot, you stay there for a while. This is a little slut. Wow. So, have you been dabbling in some serious drugs, Mushroom Map? Why do you ask? Why do you ask? Um, I am a big fan of Mushroom. We talked about it last time. I've been announced before.

Oh, yeah. That's crazy. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Absolutely. I love mushrooms. I actually give them out the comedians that I like, because I have a lot of them, so I just give them out. Not psychedelic. They're truffles. What does that mean?

What's the difference? No, I don't want to get in trouble. It's Texas, you know? It's okay. You've already said enough. Go ahead. For sure. So what's the difference between psychics? Oh, you're saying, okay, so they are.

All right, I gotcha. Okay, yes. Excellent. Do you like me? Yeah, yeah. Dude, I hope, yeah, absolutely. You're fucking dope, man. Talk to me, dude.

This guy's gonna be tripping all over 10. Nice. Mushroom Matt. So, but other than mushrooms, what other drugs have you done? I like to, oh, like a lot. I don't know, like when I was 19, I was pretty hardcore drug user, and then, like, I stopped doing hard drugs.

Like heroin? Like everything. Like, I've done everything. Like, every. Bit of an intermission. I, yes, yes. You know, maybe when I get older, like, late age, I'll do hard drugs, but like when I'm young,

I kind of want to try to presume my youth and use my time as wisely as I can. Okay. I feel like it's too late for you, man. Yeah, fuck, man. You really think you've worked at 40 restaurants? Yeah. How fast do you think you can name the...

Okay, so... Here we go. Give me a little restaurant name and music here, John Bees. One, two, one, two, three... Chubbies on Broadway, P. F. Chang's, Sailor Jacks. Fuck, dude, it's distracting. Sailor Jacks, Westside Bistro.

Fuck, guys. It's over. You're fired again. I can't do it. I can't do it. You're fired. I could, fuck, dude, that was far, man. I could, like, I have worked at a lot of restaurants, but, like, I don't know, that was very intimidating. How many different Buffalo Wild Wings?

Just one. Just the one. It wasn't bad as a bartender, you know. You'd make, like, $2 to $300 a night. Not bad. Yeah. Seems like one of the lower-end jobs, but they pay you at the end of the night, it's chilling. Was there ever a time where you got fired

and you didn't deserve it? Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, God, yes, dude. So, okay, like, you guys could probably tell this. I have, like, a lot of energy, right? Yeah, you have former drug user energy. You've seen this before. A lot of great comedians have it.

A lot of great comedians used to do fucking serious drugs. I'm not saying you're one of these great comedians. I'm just saying that it's a thing that our friends have in common. No, I got to. Tim Dylan, Theo, all these guys have fucking party to the absolute limits. Yeah. So, uh, fuck, what was I saying? There it is.

There it is, ladies and gentlemen. Confirmation that indeed. Okay. Fuck, I lost my turn of thought. Have you ever been fired and didn't deserve it? Okay, so I have a lot of energy and like I use the restroom a lot and that, like, I have a really nervous back. It looks bad, right? It looks bad. Like, I've literally been fired from three different jobs

because they thought I was, like, doing Coke. Talk right into the tip. We can hear your heartbeat. Keep it up there. I've been filed for multiple different restaurants because I have, like, a lot of energy, and I use the restroom a lot, and it just comes off like I'm doing blow. But I don't always do blow at work, you know? Would you say you have more energy right after you pee? It's like, I mean, usually,

Really pretty, yeah, no less, because I'm in a rush to get to the bathroom, so I'm like, you know. Really, Jones in for the bathroom. Yes. Yeah. I think you're on Coke right now. No, no, no. Yeah, see, that's what my manager's saying. I'm like, no, dude, I'm just like this, man.

Like, fuck. You should do Coke for the interview, and then it would always be lower. Dude, wise words, man. Yeah, that's a good strategy. What helped you get off the hard drugs? I don't know. Probably someone out there, you know, watching the show right now, just tied one off and fucking heating up a spoon right now,

getting ready to go work their shift at a P.F. Chang's fucking bar. You could save their lives right now. Explain to them how you did it. Do you perhaps start a collection of locomotive trains? I don't know. I never really had an addicted tendit disease. I just, like, struggled to fit in. And, like, when I was doing drugs,

there was, like, people to hang out with. So, like, I would do drugs. But, like, I, like, was on Adderall since I was eight, so, like, meth wasn't really, like, I don't know. I didn't really like it. I just did it because there's people doing meth with me, you know? So you were doing meth while you were on Adderall?

Uh, no, yeah. Well, no, what... That's exactly what a guy is still on meth and Adderall would say. No, me. Bha-e-b-b-e-b-eh-eh-eh-eh. Blah-blam-blum-blum-blum-blum-blum-blum-plom. How do you get rid of chlamydia? Just asking for a friend. They give you a shot in the ass.

Wow. Yeah. Damn, that's how I got it. Oh, that's another gay joke, everybody. That's awesome. All right. Mushroom mat, fun times. There you go. Thank you.

Mushroom Matt, everybody. All right. Look at that, a compelling interview. Where we go. Looks like we're going to get our first female comedian of the... Ooh, la, yeah. Shui, sweet, sweet, le compéton, mayonnaise, pepe la pew. La Mou, wah-wa, the mustard.

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Uh, Dave, you're off mute. Hey, happens to the best of us. Enjoy some goldfish cheddar crackers. Goldfish have short memories. Be like goldfish. And now, looks like it could be a new name. Make some noise for Elena P, everyone. Elena P. Hey, Austin, how's it going? Good, good. Are we dating? Anyone dating here in the crowd? Yeah, actually, I don't know why I'm asking. I really don't care. I'm dating a doctor, so... And he's hot, so I win, you know? But, no, when I told my family and my friends, I was dating a doctor, obviously, mom, super excited. Some of my friends were a little bit concerned. They were like, meeting a doctor. I'm like, yeah, they're like, haven't you seen Grace's Anatomy?

Aren't you a little bit worried? I'm like, yeah, you know, make dreamy, make steamy. And they're like, exactly. Like, you think he's, like, hooking up with nurses in the stairwell? I was a little bit taken aback. I was a little offended. I was like, you guys, he's a gentleman. You're crazy if you think he's hooking up

with nurses in the stairwell. He's at least fucking them in the call room. My God, come on. No, honestly, if anything, the only thing that's really screwing him is the American healthcare system. So, yeah, yeah. That's it.

Thank you, guys. All right. Elena P. Welcome to the show. Is this your first time on? It is my first time. How long have you been to win stand-up? Today is my first day, y'all. Wow, starting here.

Did you do an open mic earlier or something? You know, I go to a lot of open mics with my boyfriend. He actually does comedy. So we came to Austin on Friday night and we leave Wednesday afternoon. But we've been popping around to all the local spots. You're dating a doctor that also does comedy? I do. Yeah, that's his backup plan.

If comedy doesn't work out, he's got the doctor thing to fall back on. Is he a real doctor? He really is a real doctor. What kind of doctor is he? A general practitioner. Yeah, he does. Wow. Clearly, I did not go to medical school, so I don't get an urgent care.

Yeah, if you go, it turns out they make a lot of money working at urgent care. So, yeah. Really? How much money? Do you know how much money he makes? I know that he just got, he's now able to actually practice on his own. And if he got, like, a job at urgent care, I think they'd be like $200 an hour or something ridiculous. It's like, yeah, it's crazy.

I know. Oh, my goodness. Wow, that's a lot better than all these valet motherfuckers we've had on today. How about you? What do you do for a living, Elena? So I'm a photographer. So I actually like I. Zero dollars per hour.

Zero dollars ever total made. Wow. I am a photographer and a Lagree instructor. Most people don't know what Lagree is, but if you do. What is it? Legree. What is that? That is like Pilates on steroids, essentially is what it is.

And you do that? I do, yeah. You teach that? I've been coaching for three years and taking for four. Okay. Do you do private classes? You know what? For you, Red Band?

For you, Red Band, I would. Whoa. Look at that. Yeah, I got you. He's been eating a lot of palates of food. That's plates. Plates, but pronounced it plates. Yeah, there you go.

P space, lattes. Because you like plates. Multiple plates of food. I can agree with that. I can agree with that. Hell, yeah. Elena, how long you've been with this guy? We've known each other for a year,

and we've been officially dating for six months, seven months. And you really trust him? Yeah, yeah. Does he ever text his grandma? You know, I don't actually know. I think one of his grandmothers is probably dead. The other one alive, I think.

I think he's close with the grandma. I'll see. I don't know. You guys don't get into personal life too much, huh? Well, yeah, I felt like a whole form if I want to, like, talk to him, really, so that's... For 200 bucks an hour, when he's at an open bike, are you going, you're really losing money here, buddy? Yeah, right. No, I like to tell him, at least I made more money than he has at comedy shows, because I actually get paid as a photographer to take their photos.

Yeah, he's made, you know, nothing really. Oh, Martin Phillips is furious, right? I just said, oh, yeah, you got him. Oh, you showed him. Yeah, I know. Wow. Yeah. Incredible.

So where did you meet this guy? We met on a boat, actually, which is, I love your captain's hat right here. Look at it. This is the captain of the boat. Martin Phillips is our captain. Look at that. If anybody's wondering who sunk the Titanic, here he is, everybody. Yeah, we met on a boat.

It was my friend's birthday that I got invited, and he lived. at my friend's complex, so they were, like, down at the pool or something or another, and he was, like, hanging out with his friend who was seeing my friend, and they were like, hey, we're going on a boat tomorrow. They told me how it's going on the boat tomorrow. Where was this boat out? Where was we? It's that Percy Priest. So I know Desi Slay here is from Nashville.

I live right next to Percy Priest. Yeah. I was there that day. Yeah, right. Yeah. I can picture you, just standing behind a tree watching the whole thing happening. Yeah, yeah. Now that's love, if I've ever seen. Right, right. Start a fresh love.

I'll say, hey, we were having a good time. So that was a good, hey, hey, hey, yeah. Two fans here. I love it. You were actually one of the first people I ever saw at Zanies. All right. And it was amazing.

Yeah, he really is a good comedian. There you go. And urgent care is a good job for a doctor. I've always said that. I've always said it. I've always said it. Did this urgent care doctor sign up for this show? He did.

He's here. The doctor's in, everybody. And then you guys are only visiting this Monday? Only this, this is, he's got to get back to the clinic. So, you know, we've got to get back to the... In Nashville. Yes, yeah. Oh, I could have actually seen your boyfriend before.

You probably might have had. I go, I get poison ivy alone. I think it's a, yeah. What's his name? Dr. T, Dr. Tee. He signed up as Dr. Tim Tee. Dr. Tim T. Cole, go get Dr. Tim Tee.

Yeah. It's been a long time since we had someone's significant other on this show. We're going to see who fucking really writes the prescriptions in this relationship here. Yes, I love it. Yeah, he's great. Amazing. He's been great. And did he start stand up before you, or were you doing it?

He did. He started back in Arkansas. That's where he's from. And then he got really into it kind of when we started dating almost a year ago, he was really into it. And like, I just kept going to open mics. And yeah, the national scene is really something out there. A lot of clean mics, but also there's some dirtier stuff that's angues and things. Yeah, we're really doing it there.

Yeah, yeah, there we are. That's incredible. While we wait for Dr. Timothy T., I'm going to ask you, do you always dress like you're about to do an open mic on Mars? You know, I wore this for the comedy mothership. I want to dress like an alien or like a Martian or something fun. Okay. I love a theme.

I love a theme, so that's that, you know. All right. I love fashion for my girlies, you know, the girls. Wow, this is like a bad episode of the Kardashians right now. That's incredible. Would you say your high maintenance? I just would like to think I have high standards. That's a big glaring yes, all capital letters with five exclamation points afterwards.

What do you think is the most high maintenance thing about you? How long does it take you to get ready if we were like, we got to go? oh shit, we were supposed to go to dinner with my parents, let's go. How long would it take you? To be honest, I am always chronically late, but I like to think, especially in the summertime, I like to do more of like a natural makeup look. So I try not, this is the most makeup I think of worn all week.

But I usually try and do like a tinted sunscreen. Four hours, perfect. All right, great. Like what time did you start getting ready for this show? I gave myself a good half hour. At least, yeah, a good half hour. Let's ask the doctor. Yeah. The doctor is in. I've gotten a word.

You could just hide out behind the horn players in front of the drums over there. Put that mic in the mic stand. As I introduced you, the guy, ladies and gentlemen, that not only does comedy with Elena, not only dates Elena, but has sex with her as well. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the Kill Tony debut of Dr. Timmy Tee, everyone. How? Do y'all know why the Native Americans say how? It's because the settlers killed them before they could get out. Are you doing?

I went to this Indian restaurant the other day, and when I walked in, there were swastikas all over the walls. Now I'm from the south. That's not completely unnormal. But I went up to the guy at the front, and I was like, hey, man, what's up with all the swastikas? He was like, listen, listen, it's Sanskrit for good luck. He's like, yeah, but it's Hebrew for bad luck.

I went on to ask him, I was like, hey, what's better? The lambindaloo or the buttered chicken? He was like, ah, they're both good in their own right. Yeah, I didn't get either one. I ended up getting the swastika masala. Yeah. I'm kidding. What I really got was diarrhea.

No. So I grew up really religious, and being really religious, they're like, hey, you need to try to be like Jesus, which is a really high standard. You know, he was perfect, walked on water, performed miracles. I was like, how can I live up to those expectations? And then I read Revelations 2212, and it said, Jesus said, behold, I cometh quickly. He's like, finally, I can be a little more Christlike. Wow. Dr. Timmy T. Wow, look at that. What an incredible thing. What a stud you are, huh? Look at you. Just a good-looking doctor. You're funny. You got it all going,

except for that fake-ass girlfriend over your show. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I didn't realize Pedro Pascal had a Down syndrome little brother. I love it.

You're adorable, Dr. Timmy T. Welcome to the show. Thank you, thank you. And how long you've been doing stand-up? Uh, like two years, like a year seriously. Awesome. Yeah. And how much time did you spend in medical school?

Uh, four years in medical school, six years in undergrad. Okay. Look at that. Dusty. What do you think about this guy? Well, I'd like to know how you treat chlamydia. Doxycycline, Mr. Dusty. Okay.

Yeah, doxycycline. How, where would you put it? Uh, in the mouth. Yeah. So you'd think the guy earlier was getting some bad medicine. I am unaware of what you were talking about. Yeah, but probably. Okay.

Amazing. Dr. Timmy T. So you're a general practitioner, right? Yes, sir. Cover it all. What's the craziest thing you've ever had walk into your urgent care or whatever? Oh, I had a man whose penis was rotting off. Oh, wow.

How did that happen? He ended up having surgery. He got one of those, he had erectile dysfunction, and he got one of those, like, penis pumps put in. Oh. But he lied to your doctor. Never lie to your doctor. He lied to his doctor and said he wasn't smoking.

Yeah. Wait, you can't smoke cigarettes and use a penis enlarger? Well, you... Well, you know, uh-huh, ha, ha. Oh, no. I'm going to need to see you behind the curtain in 30 minutes. That is weird, though, because, like, all my whole life, I would, like, say, do you smoke? I'm like, yeah, not really.

Because you don't want to say that for the insurance or whatever. They should tell you, no, no, if you do, just say yes. Can you explain why? Oh, I can already, I can probably already tell. It probably restricts the blood vessels. That's right. That's right. That's right, Tony. Smart guy. God damn.

I really am. You know, I think I could be a doctor, too. You know, probably. If I can be, you probably can't be. Docs of cyclone. That's what I would just give everybody. for everything. We'll call you Dr. Cycline.

There we go. There we go. You're a real fucking guy. What do you do for fun, Dr. Timmy T? Oh, man. I like to play sports. I play basketball, pick up basketball. Wow.

Yeah. I do have bonsai trees. Ooh. Yeah. You really just do it all, huh? Yeah. Me and my girlfriend have been building Legos lately. Aw.

Amazing. Yeah. Wow. Good clean fun. Are you eight? He has to partake in activities that she can do as well. Wow, I love it. What's the longest set you've ever done? Ten minutes.

Would you like to do like an eight-minute set at the Secret Show Thursday? Absolutely, I would, yeah. There you go. The doctor is in, Dr. Timmy T. Doctor, here you go. Here you go. Here's a big joke book. Boom.

And here's a little one for the lady right there. She got out a punchline and a half. Shut the fuck up. All right. What an adorable couple, though. Congratulations. There they go. Dr. Timmy T.

And Elena P. How fun. The new Mitsubishi Outlander brings out another side of you. Your regular side listens to classical music. Your adventurous side rocks out with the dynamic. Dynamic sound, Yamaha. Regular U owns a library card. Adventurist U owns the road with super all-wheel control.

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A day of sunshine? No. A box of fine wines? Yes. Uber Eats can definitely get you that. Get almost, almost anything delivered with Uber Eats. Order now. Alcohol and select markets. Product availability may vary by Regency app for details. I wonder if this is who I think it is. I wonder if this is our old cowboy friend. We're going to see. Make some noise for Carlos Lopez, everyone.

Oh, it is one of the legends of the show, the return of Carlos Lopez. Howdy? So I was asleep in my bed. You know the night getting the fucking most wonderful slumber I've ever had. And I woke up to my phone just a fucking yelling at. I thought I cheated on Siri.

This thing was fucking screaming. My phone went off and it was a it was an Amber Alert for a 15-year-old Hispanic girl and I thought that was fucked up because what about her two kids? Are they okay? They get taken to? Here are my thoughts and prayers.

So this border situation has never been great, but lately, I've been seeing it bring out the worse than people. I'll leave it on that. Go ahead. Finish it. The other day I saw one man tell another man to go back to Mexico, and I don't think he meant it. No, because if he meant it,

he learned how to say that shit in Spanish. Carlos Lopez. We actually watched him have his very start here on the show. And then, you know, it's just like the nature of the beast. Like what we, I was talking with Doug Polk about earlier. And then your second time kind of rough, right? And then look at you. You're back with that same type of snappy, hard-hitting punchlines

that you had that first time. You've been working at it, huh? Oh, yeah. Incredible. You take this seriously. Yes, sir. You're a serious man. Yeah.

You're a serious cowboy. Yes, sir. And you're driving 18 wheelers. No, I retired. Oh, shit. You hung up the old truck nuts, huh? Yeah. What do you do now?

I'm in wheel estate. Wheel estate. Wow. You're selling wheels? Hill country manufactured homes. Real estate. Wait, wheel estate? It's like real estate with wheels on the bottom.

Okay. Look at this. Best of both worlds. Hell yeah. That sounds like a one-stop shop for you, Martin Phillips. Interesting. My goodness, so tell us more about the wheel estate that you're selling. Sell us right now.

I'm sure there's some people here. There's a lot of Texas oil money in the room right now. That's not on who I'm targeting. Oh, okay. You're from Alabama, you speak whatever language this is. Yeah, you're talking trailers. Oh, yeah. Manufactured home, that's fancy word for trailers.

That's what people say when they don't want you to know they live in a trailer. This is incredible. So it's a different type of market. Well, maybe there's some rich people here that want to buy a trailer? Maybe there's some poor people here that want to buy a trailer. Great. There's a lot of comedians watch, and I can tell you that. tell you that, and these people are all homeless and need a car at the same time. You could probably be a one-stop shop, and I'm going to give you the single spotlight treatment

sell us on Wheat Estate. How much you fucking pay on rent? You want to pay that much with own the motherfucker? It's that easy. They sell themselves. Sold. I'll take three right now. You can afford it.

No, no, no, I don't know. And then you go, how bad is your credit? The fucking homeless people are the ones that can't afford the homes. This is why they're homeless. Figuring it out. Right. Right.

So, do you offer tornado insurance? Like, like... Hell no. No, that's your bread and butter. That's a terrible business idea. Yeah. You need the tornadoes. The tornadoes bring up.

back around. It's the wheel deal. I'm going to have to use that. I'm sorry. It's yours, buddy. You can have it. It's all yours. Wow. Absolutely incredible. So that's going good for you, selling a lot of trailers. I'm four weeks in right now. Just getting started. I want to get off the road. I found out the hard way that my girlfriend has a nut allergy. How did you find out? We have a son now. He's three months old. Swole up for nine fucking months. I see.

I see. You nutted inside of her. I get it. I get it. I was having a weely hard time understanding the joke for a second. But now I get it. Wow. Congratulations.

What did you name? I bet you gave him a real cowboy, a real regal name. Am I right? Well, Tony, I'm glad you asked. I name me after my fucking heroes. Tony, Walker, Texas Ranger,

Wow. Tony Walker, Texas Ranger Lopez. That's mostly true. Tony Walker Lopez. Tony Walker's got a good ring to it. Yeah. Not really that funny, I guess, but it is like a good ring. Yeah.

Tony Walker? It's Jackson Walker. Oh, Jackson Walker. See, that's what I was looking for. That's a real country name Jackson Walker Lopez. I don't want to leave with it. Sounds like he would deport himself. You know what?

You know what? I just figured out what my last name is. I'm going to go ahead and hit the dusty trail. I'm going to get inside of my home and drive up there. Wow. I love it. You get him a little cowboy hat already? He's not ready, yeah, it's to earn him. Oh, shit. What does he have to do to earn it?

We had a couple up here that's trying to figure out Legos right now. What does a kid have to do to earn his first cowboy hat? I guess hold his fucking head up first, you know. That's true. That's true. Is that how you talk to him? I mean, you can right now. You don't know what I'm saying.

Yeah, yeah. Just vibes. Hell yeah. I love it. I love it. Mom's handling it all well? Oh, she's doing great. Yeah.

Breastfeeding? Oh, yeah. She had big tips when I met her, but holy shit, no. Look at this. Red band's heart is a rock right now. I see it hanging out of his shorts. He has a special penis pump he's been using. Wow.

Incredible. Do you ever taste any of the breast milk? You ever give a quick little suck? It's not something I do on purpose, you know? Right. But if it happens accidentally. Yeah, because I got to warm up breast milk when she's gone and you got to make sure that's not too hot sometimes.

Oh, you don't just go in too quick after the baby. I want to steal the produce, you know? Yeah. Only got so much. Hell, yeah. Some of that old cowboy cream, you know what I'm saying? Fuck, yeah. I love it.

What surprised you, or what's surprising to you about having a young three-month-old? Is there anything that surprised you? This is your first kid? Yeah, I'm a first kid. Man, honestly, the urge to go home now is there. It never has been before. Yeah. I've been fucking just rambling all over the place.

That's what it seems like with all of our friends. Once they have a kid, they're back home, and they're not hanging out being degenerate like we all are. It seems to be the common thing. It's amazing how your wife doesn't make you want to be at home, but the kid does. Well, once you got a taste of that fucking, that BM, you know what I'm saying? Yeah.

That's sweet little fucking... Is your wife Mexican? Very. Hell yeah. Chasing Latinos is more than just a hobby. Wow. It's like Haracha.

Yeah. Come on. Okay. Some of that titty tamarindo. Am I right? Under way. Oh, yeah. Very good, Martin.

You really are the captain now. Carlos Lopez, fun times. it again. I'm out of big joke books, but you already got one. You're the man, Carlos. This crowd loves you, everybody loves you. Killing it. Daddy's home. Carlos Lopez. And we have his stunt double, ladies and gentlemen, another proud Mexican father that we've known for years and years. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for Hang Garza.

I believe that a lot of us in here are not racist, but our algorithms are. Anybody else see that one post about that one group of people? And you're just like, like. Y'all know the ones I'm talking about. I've really had it up to here with these bullshit weed names. And they're like, Hank, it's exotic.

It's like, dude, it sounds like diabetes mixed with blue or purple. It's not exotic. If we want to start naming weed that is exotic, let's start naming it after shit that is exotic, like thick white women without black dudes in their DMs. Cush. The hardest part about me dating is actually, it's not even the wife and kids that I have at home.

It's actually the... sleep apnea machine. You know how fucked up it is when you have to take down the hose to go see the hose? Crazy. I want to end this on an impression. This is my impression of a fortune

teller from the late 90s, early 2000s, bomb a clot. Y'all remember that? Here we go. There's Alex Jones here to let you know. Everything I said back of the day came out to be true.

They are fucking kids on an island and they are turning the frogs gay. my name is Hank Garza that's been my minute thank y'all so much Hank Garza all right I like the racist algorithms and the sleep

do you have a sleep apnea I have a bipap, yes sir wow breeze in and out for me oh my God you don't even have to do anything you don't have to think about any of it you just lay there like Darth Vader

wow is that good you get a good night's sleep with that thing? It's all right. I have a one-year-old right now, so I'm waking up all the time to change him and feed him, so. Right. Is your one-year-old terrified by that machine? No. No, not at all, man. I look like Bainer. They hook me up like a Tesla. Wow. Yeah. Okay. But when I cheat, I feel like my solution to that problem, Tony, is I have to find other women that are also on sleep apnea machines. Right. And we just hit that shit like who could.

Incredible. When you say Navajo's to see the hose, what's a Navajo mean? No, no, I have to take down the hose to go see the hose. Because the CPAP machine has a hose. Oh, it's a hose. Got it.

All right, got it. To go see the hose. I got it now. You take it with you. I have to. Sometimes, yeah, man. And if they see you with a sleep apnea machine, they know you plan on stay at night.

I mean business. I mean. fucking business, dude. You got a bag of condoms in a sleep apnea machine. That's right, baby. C-PAP-poppy. Wow, look at that.

Look at that. You have all these catchphrases for not being able to breathe on your own. Incredible. How did you go to the doctor or find out that you needed that machine? Like, what made you go to the... Yeah, red bands a week away from that. Yeah, dude. I feel like I should have one.

My wife was like, hey, it sounds like you're dying. Yeah. I'm good. And you're like, I'm exhausted from cheating on you. I love you, baby. Martin, do you have to sleep with anything wacky? You have any wacky things? Oh, no, I can sleep normal.

I'm not like this freak. Dang. Damn. Oh, damn. Martin Phillips. Holy shit. What else is going on in your life, Hank? You've been doing stand-up for a few years?

Yeah, I just completed three years. Just getting up as much as I can, bro. As much as I can in San Antonio, raising kids. That's it. Right now, I'm staying-at-home dad. It sucks. I mean, it's cool, but it's not cool at the same time. It fucking sucks.

Yeah. Men should be out there doing shit, not raising kids, but whatever. Wow. But wife makes a pretty decent living, so I'm like, I'll change a diaper. Hell, yeah. Okay. I hope your kids aren't watching.

Way better set you had tonight than the last... Oh, yeah. He screamed last time. Yeah, I was. I was. I know. So it's very scary. Oh, last time I ate a huge dick on here on this show.

Man, that shit was such a rude awakening from me on where I was, comedy-wise, and take the shit seriously, man. It's a rude or awakening them when your CPAP machine runs out of water. Is that how those work? You put water in it? Oh, you know it. Yeah, they put water in. It's like a humidifier.

I like high humidity, dude. I think you put it on like 72 degrees. Oh, that is. I want to try it. Yeah, oh, yeah. Hell yeah. Well, okay, Hank, great stuff. Thank you so much.

Here you go. Here's a big joke book. Hank Garza. He's our buddy. That's our buddy, Hank. It's a big joke book. That's all show business works. Well, I mean, what can I say?

This has been a hell of an episode, and I think there's only one way to end an episode like this, ladies and gentlemen, and he is behind that curtain. For he holds the record for all-time appearances, interviews in the history of the show. No one has done it more. Nobody has done it better.

A living member of the Kill Tony Hall of Fame. Some people call him the Shaw of Shoe of Shoe, Shopify, sponsored by Mass Hole Lobster Truck. It's known as the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Big Red Machine, live in the flesh. This is William Montgomery. because I like my dogs to be hardened criminals who think they're out on parole. After a long search for the best match,

doctors have successfully transplanted a pig lung into a brain-dead human being, and I just want to say congratulations on your new lung, Amy Schumer. Last week, Cracker Barrel Board of Directors made the mistake of letting a dumb bitch talk them into changing their logo. The bad news is Cracker Barrel's stock value dropped $100 million.

The good news will be seeing Shane Gillis and Cracker Barrel commercials very soon. two or three of the biggest jokes of the night. I feel like I have to let Shane know immediately after this episode the joke you just did. That is so funny. That is incredible because it's probably true. Oh, it's very true. I fucking hate it.

And if y'all look up, seriously, it's crazy. If y'all look up the CEO of Cracker Barrel, she looks just like fucking the girl from, oh, what is her name? Everyone that hates our show. You are correct. The saddest thing about that joke is I'm in a Cracker Barrel commercial right now. Really?

Damn. Is that true? It is true. I don't know if it's still airing, but I did do a 15-second commercial. Dusty, that is wonderful. I swear to God, that is a dream of mine. I happen to love Cracker Barrel. That really is so cool.

That's so cool. What are you saying in it? What do you even do? When I was in it, the stock was doing great, though. It was still doing really well. We had the old logo. Mm-hmm. The old design.

Yeah, you seem, now that you mentioned, I could see why they would pick you as one of their clear representatives. Absolutely incredible. Wow. William, you did it yet again. I mean, incredible. What was the thing, would you say, a pigalum?

A what? A pigalum? Piglum? What did you say? What was the... Pig lung? Pig lung. Excuse me.

Yeah, they literally, they found... They did it in a... brain dead fucking person and they put a pig lung in the brain dead person and the lung lasted for I think eight days. Wow. Wow. Look at that. Yeah it's pretty cool. A great experiment. I'm pretty sure the doctor that did that was up here just a few bucket pulls ago. Yeah. Yeah, it had a CPAP machine that breathed in and out for it. Yeah. I mean, incredible performance. Really, really amazing. Well, you're really sweet. Well, Tony, I think it's, I had that, the Courtney Love Joke or whatever.

I have been listening to since last week because I was up in Spokane, Washington this weekend. It's the first time I've repeated a comedy club. It's been like a year and a half, and I created this whole new set at 70 old, 70 new jokes, 30 old jokes, and it took me forever. I was taking, Tony, don't be mad at me, but I was taking a little bit of Adderall, and I was smoking weed, and I spent two full weeks on it, and I've been listening to the song by a whole called Soft or Softest. 700 fucking times. For anybody who is hearing my voice right now, it's one of the

best songs ever. I've been listening to it. It's on repeat, Tony, on my Spotify. It's not a good song, right? You don't like anything, idiot. He told me about this, and I was like, oh, this must be a great song. I used to have that album. It's just like a throwaway song, but you're addicted to

the girl that played it that died of an overdose. Do you have this whole conspiracy about it that Courtney killed her also or something, right? Yes, I think Courtney was involved in the bass player's death. Tell us more about that. Tell us about this. Well, it's just so horrible.

When I was up in New York City, Tony, I just looked. Something happened, and I saw the picture of the bass player for hold during this point of time of their career, the second album. And I was like, oh, my God, this girl's beautiful. And I started reading more about her. I was very intrigued, and she died at 27, and they're thinking the guitar player is the one who injected her with all the heroin. And then they're saying that Courtney Love told the guitar player.

to do that so it's this whole can of worms don't it? Wow. That's his whole can of worms. Are there more people that you think Oh he does not like Red Band's lap? That's like a fucking laugh out of my nightmares when you do that you do that, you idiot. He does not like Red Band's lap. They have a longstanding rivalry. They do not seem to get along. Yeah, he's talking shit about that song. I think people will like

soft or softest when they listen to it later tonight. I think people will like the song. It's a wonderful song. It seems as if though you think that Courtney Love is responsive. for the death of the bass player of hole, the death of Kirkobane. Is there anybody else who you think Courtney Love may have killed? The Soundgarden guy. Yep. Okay.

Tony look alike. Chris Parnell. Chris Parnell. No, I'm kidding. Yeah, Parnell was the guy on SNL. Yeah, Chris Cornell. Who else do you... Thanks, Jacob.

Jacob on the... No, I'm kidding. That was awkward when I couldn't remember y'all's tapes. Is there anybody else, perhaps? Courtney Love murdered during her lifetime. You've been falling, you've been going down this rabbit hole. Well, it's weirdly enough they're saying she was the one up in the jail and killed Jeffrey Epstein because she knows people who are good.

Yeah, Jeffrey Epstein. Keanu Reeves in the movie Speed. Whoa! Yeah. She's the one that killed his ass. Whoa. How many days have you been awake in a row? I slept to 1.30 today, because the night before I only went.

slept an hour, but I was able to sleep till 1.30 today, which was I really slept in today. I needed the rest. Wow. That's gross. A little flashing of the lights for the amount of sleep that you got. What time did you go to bed? Uh, 12 p.m. There you go. An hour and a half of sleep. Oh, there you go. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's better. Is there anyone else you think? It's like army time. How do you even figure out army time? Wow. Incredible observation, will you? Is there anybody else? Do you think, in this conspiracy theory of yours, do you think that Courtney Love may have killed during her lap?

Maybe Dave Thomas? Whoa, the Wendy's guy? Yeah. From Columbus, Ohio. Red fan, that's right, right? Yeah. Yeah? You told me that one or a band, remember?

Wow. You let me know about that one, remember? You called me that all excited when you found out about it? Yeah. There's another person. Wow. That's incredible. Dave Thomas, can you believe that?

Uh-uh. Red Band can believe it. He's when he's reminded about the death of Dave Thomas. Yeah, that might be my real death. That might be my real dad. Yeah, well, your mom had sex with enough dudes. I don't know if we actually could figure out

if it's fucking, I don't know if we'll ever find out if it's serious. He was his executive secretary, and then my parents got divorced and I never found out why it might be my real dad. Wow. I just hear you executive secretary. It makes sense. I can see how Dave Thomas could be your father.

I mean, you are a 52-year-old baconator. Here's the beef. Is there anybody else you think Courtney Love may have murdered during her lifetime? Lisa Frank! Whoa! And I'm kidding about that one. Passionate about that one. I'm kidding about that one.

That's why I tripped. Who's Lisa Frank? The lady who made the stickers and stuff, like the girl's like. Oh, okay. Who else? Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love

may be responsible for their untimely death? What about maybe? Who? Maybe. Uh. Maybe 9-11. Whoa, Courtney Love is responsible

for 9-11? No. That's crazy. Crazy. She didn't do that. How do you know that? How do you know she had nothing to do with that? I'm just pretty sure she did it.

I did the research. Wow. Maybe just building seven. Yeah. Yeah. This is a smaller building. People forget about that building. People do forget about that building.

Tower 7. Everyone remembers 9-11, but no one remembers Tower 7. Is there anyone else you think Courtney Love may be responsible for that? Well, this one's horrible. He's actually on my shirt. King Cobra, JFS, Josh, rest in peace. He just died up in, I think, Wyoming. I think she had something to do with him.

But King Cobra, JFS, rest in peace. He had a bad drinking problem. But I couldn't stop watching him. If you had a chance to talk to Courtney Love, and she was here face-to-face, I'm sure she's watching this right now, what would you say to her? What would you say to Courtney Love? Courtney, I get it, you don't, Courtney, I get it, you don't normally take requests,

but if you could play softer, softest off of your second album, I could sing the words with you. Wow. I'd be able to sing every single word with you. Wow, that is incredible. So you would take an opportunity to hang out with her, and sing with her, even though she kills people. Yeah, my gosh, soft or softest, I'm not kidding, I've listened to it 800 times since last. I'm not even kidding. It's on a repeat on my phone. That's all I'm listening to. Wow. And it's almost feels weird because now I like it. Uh-oh. Seriously, now I like it. That's how it started with Kurt Cobain. One second, you're liking her music the next thing, you know. And you wrote 70 jokes listening to that song? 70. No, I was analyzing all of my Kill Tony minutes. I think I've done like

close to 320 of these things and I was analyzing, uh, analyzing my stuff. Wow. Doing a little And then praying to God, people will laugh when I put it together in a certain way. I was going to say, that sounds like new comic advice. Listen to that song. Yes, my new comic. Seriously, if you're a comic who's thinking about getting into comedy, whatever, you're funny around your buddies at work, whatever, I think you should go for it and listen to Soft or Softest when you're analyzing your joke, seriously.

Do you think you're ever going to stop listening to Soft or Softer? I don't think I'm ever going to Saus. William Montgomery has done it again. This episode brought to you by Shop. Bye. Guys, how about can this place get his first time on panel? Dusty Slay, everybody. What heat is on Netflix. Make sure you watch it on Netflix. He's on tour, dusty sleigh.com, and his podcast is we're having a good time. Martin Phillips first time on panel, everybody. The captain is in. Martin Phillipscomedy.com. He's on tour all over. The drawing from Ryan G E Bolt is in

and it is indeed amazing he's drawn oh just the last 700 episodes or so whichever the guests are let's see what Chris Rogers the live Austin artist drew doing this. Oh Mark Norman look at that! Shoutouts

to our old friend Mark Norman who was on panel during the New York City Madison Square Garden episode which if you haven't and you should and you must go watch that on Netflix and yeah Red Band. Check out my fake band Cat Bread 7 on YouTube,

Spotify, and Apple Music. Love you guys. It is a fake band indeed. Listen to it there. That is something else. A new passion project, if you will. And shout out to Shopify. Thank you for sponsoring this episode. And thank you to you, the live audience,

that makes it all possible. We love you guys. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunset stripATX.com for tickets.