KILL TONY - #736 - JAMES MCCANN + DAVE LANDAU

Episode Date: September 23, 2025

James McCann, Dave Landau, Ari Matti, Kam Patterson, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 09/01/2025 Visit https://prizepicks.onelink.me/LME0/TONY and use code TONY and get $50 in lineups when you play your first $5 lineup! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for everything, the golden pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever. ShopSquod. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killed. Tony. Hey, this is Rambri. Come to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode

of Kill Tony. Get up for Tony! That's glad! Who's ready for the best fucking night of their lives, huh? And that is the best damn band in the land, ladies. Make some noise. Fernando, Castillo, Raoul Vallejo, Carlos Sosa, Michael Gonzalez, nachos, Belgronde, Matt mulling on the electric guitar back here, sunglasses up like a real rock star,

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They have little drones. They bring them to Joe Rogan's club and try to get fucking... I'm going to kill this thing before we do this. I'm going to kill this fucking thing. Come on. Where is it? Here we go.

Okay, here we go. Bitch. Bitch. I think it's gone. Who's ready to start tonight's fucking episode, huh? Here we go. Every single week, I purposefully book two,

sometimes one, sometimes three. But I have fun matching up the chemistries. I envision how would these two work together. Every single week, I put a lot of thought into this. This one is a special one. Two of the guest of the year frontrunners right now for 2025. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for two of the grades. James McCann and Dave Landau.

Oh, yeah. James Donald Forbes McCann is back. And his new special Black Israelite is on YouTube. Dave Landau's a new book, Party of One. Out now on Amazon. Welcome back, gentlemen. James McCann, one of the most used guests in 2025. What a joy it is to be here once again.

At this beautiful club with these beautiful people. Dave, hello. Hey, hello. James is the man. We love you. Black Israelite out now on YouTube. His new comedy special. Unless it's been taken down by now, but at the moment, it's out and it's called there.

I love it. I love it. James is one of those monsters coming up. I love it. You're truly one of the funniest people around. You guys will see when you watch his new special. Dave Landau, welcome back, buddy. How are you? Make some nice for Dave, everybody. I'm doing good, man. Hey, how are you? Fresh off a big weekend. Books out. We're going to have fun. Brought to you by Nickton Prize Picks.

Now, you guys have both done this show before, so you know, but maybe, just maybe. Someone brought their, you know, significant other that, you know, while they're watching the show every week, maybe they're out doing the dishes, perhaps, or vacuuming the floors, or folding the laundry, and you don't know what your loved one is listening to. Well, let me tell you, while you're out there working on your secret only fans page. The show's about comedy. A ton of comedians signed up for the chance to get 60 seconds if I pulled them out of this bucket. their time is up when you hear the sound of a kitten.

It could be the next big stand-up comedy superstar. You know their time is up when you hear the sound of a bear that is the West Hollywood bear. Interrupts them. It comes after the cat. You've been doing this 12 and a half years. So I've patented out. Jesus Christ, I'm fucking tripping today.

This coffee's banging. Six shots. shots. All right. While we wrangle that first bucket pool, we have a golden ticket winner that's going to do a minute for you, ladies and gentlemen.

He is one of the top young rising comedians in the world. Make some noise for Colin Sledge, everyone. Okay, thank you. I need a paralegal. pair of legal tiddies to suck on.

Should have saved that for the end. My check engine light's been on for a few months. And I feel like the check engine light has very feminine energy. It's like something's wrong. What's wrong? Well, if you cared, you would already know. My girlfriend thinks the godfather is too long, but her story about when her co-worker was bitchy to her two years ago is the perfect length.

Okay, thank you. Colin Sledge. Very funny. You've done it again. One of the very few non-handicapped golden ticket winners that come in and really fucking set it off every time. How do you feel, Colin? I feel pretty good.

How's life been going for you here in Austin, Texas? Good. And awesome. I haven't quite moved here yet. Oh, you're still up in Houston? Yeah, we're looking at places tomorrow. Who's we? Me and my girlfriend.

Okay. Yeah. All right. What does she do again? She takes care of me. No. Yeah, she does comedy. Oh, okay.

Did she start after you? She started sort of like four or five years ago. When did you start? Well, I started, I did two years in college, and then I took eight years off. So she started before and after me. James McCann. Do you find this is difficult on the relationship

that she was the big star, and, you know, now you're here doing this, and you worried that in a Lady Gaga, Bradley Cooper situation, you'll return home one day. And, uh, because that can be tricky on a relationship. Uh, yeah, somewhat. I'm not sure I understand the question. Is she threatened by your enormous success?

Uh, there might be some degree of resentment. Does it ever come up? Uh, yes. Can you tell us what that's like? She accused me of using the shoots and ladders. What does that mean? It means I took the ladder up or something. Can you explain that better?

So, you know, the game shoots and ladders. Do you use this as an analogy a lot? It's her analogy. Oh, she said this. Yeah. Wow, no wonder she's not as famous as you. Shoots and ladders from your childhood. Milton Bradley 80s board game.

Please don't get me in trouble. Oh, shit. Mike 4 is not on. Try it again. So you really are a pedophile? No, take his mic away. Okay. Son of a bitch.

Biggest comedy show in the world. We just have mics that don't work up here. Unbelievable. We went to New York. You met her, my girlfriend. What? You met my girlfriend in New York. Okay.

Thanks for having us. That was fun. Okay. I don't know if I really had you. Your girlfriend wasn't the little boy who was cut from broadcast. No. Okay, good.

Just because he said you were a pedophile and I wondered what that was in reference to. Yeah. Yeah, Finigan. There are some... And finally things about you. Why do you still have sunglasses on your shirt right now? My shirt touching my neck bothers me,

so I wear sunglasses to pull it down. God, you're creepy as fuck. Very funny, but annoyingly creepy. The feeling of sunglasses on your neck is better than a shirt? Well, I don't really feel a sun because it's just right here that bothers me. This isn't what I wanted to talk about.

What do you want to talk about? Segway into something that you want to talk about. New York is fun. I went to Brooklyn. Fucking hive of flies around here, guys. Something happening? Someone pranking the show? Did someone bring fucking frozen flies

and then thaw them out? Like ants? You ever make an ant farm before? You just throw them in the fridge. Those motherfuckers chill out. Oh, I went to the... Kill Tony Band Show in New York. Okay.

That was actually, I was high off an edible. It was so fucking good. Hell yeah. Everybody had a blast. I heard all about it. Blue Note packed up. Amazing. See, just pander. Get some back on you. No, there is this

Swedish lady, and she was like playing these old bagpipes, and I was, had taken edible, so I was, like, freaking out. It was really fun. Right. When you say you were freaking out, what does that mean to you? I don't understand jazz music. And I usually don't enjoy it either. But,

It was a really good show. Okay, I thought that was a big setup coming there for... I went to museums. I went to where Luigi shot that guy. Ah. Oh. Dude. See you all the day.

All right. I took a train to a train museum. All right. That's enough. That's just where it's getting good. Heck was the Trane Museum. I went to a Tram Museum in Sacramento last month. It was sick.

Some people are good at the set, good at the interview. Some people are bad at the set, great at the interview. You are one of those great at the set, and then just, it's like talking to a giant five-year-old. I took a train to the train museum. It was nice.

Thanks for having us. I went to the Sex Museum. Why don't you say something funny about it? It made me never want to have sex again. Why? Because it was gross. It was weird. I did a 4D thing where, like, a 4D thing

where, like, the chairs are rocking and it sprayed water in my face. It was, it was really upsetting. Was it, like, a squirt? Like, what was the reason for the water? It was like, I don't really understand. It was like, you go into, like, I think you go into a pussy

and it sprays water in your face. There it is. That's how it goes. Should I have open with that? No, no, you're doing fine, Colin. It's all good, by. Okay, it's my birthday, bye, okay. Wow, all right. One more ultra-lame thing to say.

Okay. Super crazy. All right, there he goes. Colin Sledge, everyone. Oh, Lord. These slow-moving flies. These flies are out of, control, guys. We need to make sure this doesn't happen again.

I'm sure there's ways around it. We have 12 fucking production assistants. All of them just watching flies all day, I'm sure. It's like, well, that'll be fun. Maybe it'll add an exciting element to the show. Joe Robins' fly museum. All right. I mean, what can I say, ladies and gentlemen?

This is one of the wildest bucket pulls. She just happened a couple weeks ago. She's back. She is back. Make some noise for Juanita, everybody. Kill Tony. Do any of you suffer from depression, anxiety, mental health? Make some noise, yeah?

That sucks, I don't. Just to perfectly normal. 37-year-old overweight transgender comedy prodigy. Killing the game. I am, now a friend of the show and my 400-pound friend, Sally Contreras, she struggles with her mental health and she can fight it in me one day.

She said, I'm chalking myself into a psych ward because I'm not feeling well. And I told her, that is good because you're taking action. She goes, people keep telling me that. telling me that, but what I want to do is walk my ass on the oncoming traffic. I told her, girl, don't you

dare say that, and don't you dare do that? You're just going to fuck up somebody's car. 400 pounds. I'm a good friend, though. I gave her advice that said, you should walk in front of a train. It's more efficient. Okay, Juanita. Hell yeah. How do you feel about that one, Eda?

I feel great. Hell yeah. You... You... You... Yeah. I find it odd that you called out your friend by name on a huge show.

Oh. And then talked about how they were suicidal. It's kind of crazy to do it. You noticed that you did that at all? No, I did. It was... We've talked about talking about it on the show. So you kind of, like, plugged her just then.

It's like, talking about how she wanted to do. to kill herself on the biggest show in the industry. Do you think about these things? Have you become a woman that much to where you become that selfish? Yeah. The latter. No, no, but we did talk about it.

That was actually a conversation that we had. So it was planned? No, it happened a long time ago, but this is the first time I was able to do it as a bit. All right. I like how your voice gets deeper, the deeper into sentence as you go, no, we talked about it,

There's a point where you get tired of having to keep up the act a little bit. We don't see it. It's about seven seconds into a sentence. She just starts smoking, get it all the way here. Yeah, no, I mean, like, it was really cool because that's what we're into, you know what I mean? Come on now, say my name three taps, let's go. All right. Wanted you to remind us, how do you make money?

Oh, we're good at as a waitress, at a restaurant right now. A waitress. Where are you at? Tuckies? All right. That doesn't even make sense. That's a gas station. Instead of Buckees, tuckies, anybody? Tressas. Tucky cheese.

Tucky cheese, even. Red band. Tucky cheese? Tucky dick cheese. No, we're going to a restaurant called Fresses. Fresas. Oh, yes. Absolutely.

Juanita, what do you do for fun? What do we not know about you? You've been on this show a couple times. You're very lucky with getting pulled out of the bucket. It's been crazy. I actually was thinking about, like, I didn't ever mention. My family doesn't know that I'm trans, just my two sisters. Really?

Who would be most shocked to know that you're trans? Oh, probably my mom. Right. I love it. When you get serious. Probably my mom. Is it bad that I'm making fun of you for that? You're good with us, right?

You have a great sense of humor, Wannita. I love that. Can your family see you? It's a good question. No, I, like, I have to, like, dress down, like, I'm, like, wear a hot or something, wear, like, a button down. Do you have some... Yeah, go ahead, Dave. I'm almost to the point where, but honestly, like, you're, you're male to female?

Yes. Oh, no, I don't... Quarter T-Rex, maybe. No, why Juanita? Oh, that's just to stage. name. Like, your real name is like Juana. Oh, that's your... Okay, so what nationality are you? Pardon? What nationality?

Oh, I'm Mexican. Oh, okay. Okay. I just was curious. Okay. There's a lot going on south of her border. Is it legal? No, I'm kidding. I'm sure it's not. Not for long in Texas. It's amazing that your family doesn't know. How often

do you see your mom? What do you do? Maybe like once a year, like Christmas. And what do you do? You just wan up for that? Yeah. Just go straight wand? Yeah, literally.

Put on a baseball cap, fucking... Would your mom want you out of the family? She might, I don't know. James. But just as a... I assume you started to trans later, but you're Mexican. So did you, you didn't have a Kinseniera?

No, I didn't. No, I didn't. So you're a girl? Oh, yeah, you're right. You're not a woman here. Explain to the 96% of people listening that don't know what you're... When a Mexican girl turns 15,

the community decides that she's now sexually available. And they put her in a very low-cut, busty gown. And they go to a park and they clog it up. for like hours. I didn't know about this before I came to this country, but... Did the last comic tell you about that? No, I like that you mentioned trains as well, though.

That's great. Yeah. Will you have a Kinsenera? I mean, if you helped me throw it, James. No. That would be fun. But I was interested. I mean, like, would you show up?

Would you make an appearance? Would you make an appearance, James? Do you make an appearance? Where is she? Tell us, James, will you go to the park? Do you want to go to the park? You have fallen into the woman, but I was born. Go to the park and you will find under second base

on the third little league field a note. Read that note and it will tell you what to do next. If you don't solve the riddle, I'm going to butt-fuck you, James. Sincerely, Juanita. He's right. Wow, Juanita. You ever get bullied in, like, real life or anything? Like, out on the streets, any of these wild crackheads ever talk shit or flirt with you?

What goes on? One of them called me a f-it. Yeah. I was, like, walking by here, I was like, hey, f- I apologize for that. Apology accepted. I know, I was like, oh man, can I say the N-word? It was a black one.

Oh, yeah. He called me a . Let me tell you, just because someone says you can or it feels like the right time, I found out you still can't. It's absolutely. You can if he's sucking your dick. Juanita, how's the sex life been lately?

been lately. Whiskey hole or has it been all moistened up? No. Um, I'm like, I live with like a, like this like comic. He's like a 6-2 jujitsu guy. All right, don't say his name or his fucking address or anything, Juanita. No, but like, it used to be that I had to like go and hang out at the bar by myself and then somebody would always like approach me. But now I'm always with him, so I'm going through a dry spell. Everyone I think like they... You're going to do a dry spell. Huh?

Say, baby, I'm gonna go through dry spell. Do you realize you, do that, though? Like, you literally, like, have, like, a meltdown through a sentence. It's when you say words that aren't feminine, when you're like, it's very dry. I feel like that's very feminine. It's kind of, no, hard.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Juanita, we love you. You've been on the show many times. You did it again. Another minute. There you go. Another interview.

Another Juanita. There they go. Oh my God. Thank God Almighty. No cock and balls there, boys. Oh, you have a bug zapper. And we handed it to the least likely person to effectively handle that without knocking over anything

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I wish I could spend all day with you instead. Uh, Dave, you're off mute. Hey, happens to the best of us. Enjoy some goldfish cheddar crackers. Goldfish have short memories. Be like goldfish. All right, make some noise to your next bucket pool, everybody. It's Pat O'Neill, everyone.

Pat O'Neill. Folks, been vaping, but it's just not as satisfying as cigarettes. You ever try putting one of these out on your kid? Nothing. No reaction. Generation soft is a big reason why. Other day, my friend told me Tiger Woods is Native American. I was like, no shit, his name's Tiger Woods.

Dad's named Bear Forest. Gonna watch what you say now, though. Like, we all know you're not allowed to say the word f*** anymore. So now I just ignore, my little brother. To be on the right side of history. and you shouldn't call them midgets anymore either no

they prefer the term Mexican women oh yes midgets the original pocket pussies or as pedophiles call them close enough you know what I mean not saying to

Matt O'Neill you did it buddy fuck yeah full minute 15 laughs throughout. I didn't hear the cat, I'm sorry. You're good, you're good. So nervous, Tony. I wish I was retarded right now.

I bet there's a lot going on in that head. You constantly look like you're being electrocuted at all times. Unbelievable. You look like you could charge phones just by touching them. All right, well, I think we could still be friends after that, but hell yeah. I don't know what the fuck that means. but you're doing great, Pat. You're a funny guy.

You were, I remember you from the Netflix taping here. A while back, how's life changed since being on... I'm an open micer. Oh, perfect. Bad at networking. Bad. And by that... Bad at networking.

What do you mean by that? Tell us more. That I'm unlikable. Okay. All right. That doesn't mean you don't have a chance. Look at me. Fair.

I would say you're much more likable than me. I would say, I mean, look at you. I like you. Thanks, buddy. You know, well, let's get the fuck out of here, dude. Remind us, Pat, what do you do for work? I work for, like, a mortgage company. It's not.

I thought you said morgue at first. And I would have believed that. You have morgue energies. James McCann. I've been thinking about the energy. I think you have the energy of, like, documentary footage of a comic from the 80s. Yeah, he looks like a head shot.

But, like, who goes on to have a huge cocaine problem and do voiceovers in cartoons. But there's, you look like you're from the past. You have a, you have a 1980s young man face. Am I wrong? Am I just, am I going insane? No, you're right. You're spot on.

No, like Dennis Wolfberg, like he died in the 80s. It's, you're of another time. I love these references, guys. but let's keep it on Pat here. You know Dennis Wolfberg? No? Yeah, nobody would. I'm 40. That's perfect.

Okay, Pat. Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat, Pat. Let's talk about it, buddy. What do you do with the rest of your life looking what you look like? I don't know. I like steak. I like candy. Okay.

I like girls. I like movies. You go on dates a lot? Yeah, I'm straight. Okay. When you go on dates, how do you find... How do you find people? Gay people go on dates too, by the way. I don't know if you know that, but they do. They just shook.

All right, okay. Straight to that. You're very excited tonight, Pat. Look at you. Come on kill Tony. You're damn right. I like steak. I like ghouls.

I like candy. Yeah. That's the best response I've ever heard. It's right. This dude's an alien that studied us and just came here. I like what everybody likes. You've watched the line of it. old test footage from the earlier part of the 20th century,

and you're going, they like girls, they're like candy, they're like big smiles and good times, okay guys, just fuck. All right, I can say that. I like, you gotta, I like, I like everything I'm seeing. Thank you, James. Where are you from? Oh, Massachusetts, I live here now. Okay, there's one retarded lady from Massachusetts.

So Pat, when you go on these dates, where do you find these, uh, victims people like is it a dating app that you're on or something or well i'm single now fingers crossed we're still early on i was talking to that girl backstage Heidi ohaneda you could be next you could be next book so like the last date that you went on tell us what that was like what did you do what was what happened Kincenera?

I don't know, I've never understood Kinsenegeras because it's like the day they become a woman, but they're already pregnant. Oh shit. Pat O'Neill's got it. Pat O'Neill's got a Kinsenera joke. There it is. So, Pat, this last date that you've avoided the question

on nine times successfully, we're back at it. Last date you were on. All right, I mean, honest answer. I just broke up with my lady friend, who's also a very delightful comic, Perfect. Why did you break up with her? I live here.

Oh, she lived somewhere else. Massachusetts still? Oh, my goodness. How did you do it? Over the phone? Well, I didn't do it. Look at me. She broke up with you. Is that what you're saying? Yeah. Okay. What did she say to you? Did it come as a surprise to you? She said, we're not dating. I don't know. Sort of a blur.

Did you just break into her house? No, it's a long-distance relationship, or else he would have. So, she kind of broke your heart when this happened? No, no. How recently did this happen? No, no, it just starts crying. No, no, see? No, no, never.

You can't break a heart, which doesn't exist. I eat candy and steak and filled that pot of my soul, because that's what I do, because I'm a real human being. Come here, let me charge your phone for. Let's talk about it. Pat, you hear that gentle piano music. You know what that means. Tell us. Three weeks ago. Okay, Pat, all right. You're such a funny-looking guy, Pat. It's incredible. Everything about you is so comedic. It was three... Oh, spotlight's gone. I don't know.

You ever do funny stuff at the mortgage place? place. No, no, I was lucky to keep it after Netflix, so they're good people and they will... Wait, when you go on dates or you work, do you like comb your hair different or anything like that? I don't know. That's actually a great question, Redd. I put the Rogen on way too close to a sun hat this afternoon, so it's worse than normal. The question was, when you go on a date. I don't know what it looks like right now, but yes, I try to... It's pretty wild right now.

I don't know if you've ever seen the portrait of Mao Zedong, but it looks like... It looks like your forehead has a thong on right now. Red band. Wow, it is incredible. Do people just, like, laugh at you sometimes when they see you? Yeah, I mean, I don't know. I'm having my looks insulted by Red Band right now, so...

If that isn't all you need to know about the shit I get. Wow. You're a funny guy, Pat. Red Band? I'd love to have you on the Secret Show Thursday for that. You already have a big joke book, right? There he goes. Pat and Neil, everybody.

Hell yeah. Wacky-looking guy. All right, we're going to keep this fun train moving along. Your third bucket pole goes by the name of Olivia Coughlin, everybody. Olivia Coughlin. Jill Biden is a historic figure. She was a first lady and a fake doctor. And during the Biden administration,

she actually took over presidential duties, historically becoming the first fake female president of the United States of America. The Biden administration was kind of like America's next top model, but for female presidents, with different random women all taking turn. trying out his power. It was a shit show, and Jill won. So speaking of America, I came home

the other day, and I found my cleaner eating my salad. She was in the kitchen, hunched over, eating out of the takeout box, and I walked in, and then she, like, freaked out when she saw me and, like, ran to put it away, and was like, oh, media! And, oh, I forgot my bit. Oh, sorry. She was like, oh, leave you. Oh, and I didn't realize, I didn't know what was going on at first because I didn't realize it was my salad she was eating.

I thought she was just eating her own food, so. Okay, that's all. Wow. Olivia Coughlin. Welcome, welcome. Is that your first time trying stand up? Yep, first time. Holy shit, yeah, I could tell.

Congratulations. It's amazing. What made you pick this show to start? on. I find it so intriguing when people are like, yeah, I'll just fucking go out there and show everybody, what's up, right from the get before learning, you know, mic technique, or being able to remember an entire 60 seconds, or calling your housekeeper or made a cleaner? Yeah, cleaner. Somehow that's the most racist thing. I think anybody's ever done in the history of the show. You just call them a cleaner? I thought people would know more if I said cleaner rather than house cleaner. I don't know why, because people, well, people, people I don't even say that, a housekeeper. The keeper of a house.

Well, I call her my cleaner. Oh, my God. What ethnicity are you? I'm white. Yeah, well, what kind of white? I'm mostly Irish. I know I don't look like it, but yeah. Right.

You should have just said Mexican and saved yourself. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. No doubt about it. Like, it's just a tip moving forward. It can sometimes be hard for people to like you on stage when you boast about having a cleaner. Like, we would all love to have cleaner money. It's true.

But I just, I heard that, and I thought, fuck, I wish I was able to afford a salad and a woman to help me. I, so I eat Taco Bell after Taco Bell alone in filth. Maybe you got some jokes about your private jet to share with us all as well, I mean, you don't even pay her enough that she can afford to eat her own fucking salad.

It was an awkward moment for sure. She's like our lifetime, like, lifelong cleaner, and so I felt... A life-long cleaner. Just call her a slave, dude. Call her a slave. Call her a slave. What ethnicity is she? Oh, yeah, the horn players know what ethnicity she is.

How do you have a cleaner? You have a cleaner. What have you been doing with your life? This was back when at my parents' house, so this was a while ago. Your parents' rich? They're doing okay. What did your dad do for a living? My dad's a pilot. My mom's a travel agent. Okay. All right. That's cute.

And how about you? What do you do for work? I just got a job at a tennis place. A tennis place. So what exactly are you doing at a tennis place? Tennis thing. I clean. No, I'm just kidding. Hey, there's a glimpse of funny in there. Look at that. Look at that. She accidentally was funny there, everybody.

I like that. It's the big moment right there. What the fuck are you doing at a tennis place? Stringing rackets and helping people. You play tennis your whole life or something? You just got into the tennis business. I just thought I could walk in and just do it and nothing would go wrong and everything would be great.

That's fucking crazy. And it worked out. It's okay. So you just basically would have done any job at all and you ended up in tennis? Kind of. What did you do before that? I was trying to be a screenwriter.

It's difficult. Wow, yeah, it's very difficult. But yeah, I forgot all my words again. Oh, my God. So, yeah, I guess that didn't work out. Okay. Olivia, do people tell you that you're funny a lot? Yeah.

What's, like, the funniest thing you've ever done in your life, you think that? It's something that happened in which you're like, wow, I think I belong on a comedy stage. I don't know. It's more I say funny things when I can remember them. And then I don't really do funny things, yeah. Did you ever yell at a housekeeper? No, it was very nice to her. I pretended, like, nothing...

I never saw it, and I was just like, hey, what's up? And then we just kept going on, and, you know... You put fentanyl in her a salad? No, I was going to say that I... Whatever, I forgot my joke, but I... I'll do it next time. What kind of a salad was? No, no, no, no, no, no.

You don't even know what the fuck a salad is. Shut. I don't know what the fuck of that. You just know the dressings. All right. Do you have any, like, specials? Special skills or talents, have you ever done anything in front of a group of people before? Not really.

Not really. Not really. Not really in front of the crowd, no. Like nothing ever before? Nothing like on stage, no. How about not on stage? What did you do? Like, what do you mean have I ever done anything? I don't know, fucking anything. Anything at all about you other than the fact that you do string tennis rackets. I smoked a lot of weed.

I... There you go. That's a way to get the people on your side. Yeah. I chill at home with my roommates. How many roommates do you have? Two. Why?

Just because I thought that it would be better to live with some people rather than by myself. Okay. Alone. No man in your life or any? No man. Why is that? I'm very picky.

Ooh, okay. I sound like an asshole, but I'm not. It's great. It's great. It's great. So let's talk about it. When you say you're picky, what are things that guys have had or wrong with them in the past that you didn't like?

Maybe, like, not like manly enough. Can you give us an example of a time that a man wasn't manly enough? Maybe he did something. That wasn't manly enough. This is from your life. You can think about anything that's happened to you. Now I'm just thinking about the tennis place. Maybe, I can't think of anything.

Well, tennis is pretty feminine. when that plays tennis is not really my type. James McCann, what are you thinking over here? I don't think Rafael Nadal is sufficiently masculine? I mean, who, there are a lot of men on stage. Where is the midpoint? Where is the least manly but acceptably manly manly. Do you know what I mean?

I mean, am I manly enough for you? Um... My voice... Wow. Yes. Whoa. Is Tony manly enough? I think so.

Okay, the bar is pretty low. That's a pretty answer. So you've broken up with guys in the past because they weren't manly enough, though. Yeah. But you don't recall an example of what they did or wasn't manly enough about them. I can't think of a specific example.

example now. They said, go out there and punch the cleaner in the throat right now. No, you wouldn't have said that. Seen the cleaner. Sexually weak? What? Like they couldn't fuck good? I'm sorry.

Well, that's... That's obviously it. That is a turnoff for sure. What's a turnoff? Sexually weak? Coming too quickly? Has that ever happened with you? Yeah.

Okay, so can you give an example of that where a man was too sexually weak? This is where you would reference during an interview a part of your life. Maybe I'm talking about that of all things. Do you like to have your pussy eating good? Here you go, Olivia. Here's a little joke book. You did it. You had your first time on the show.

She started here, as you could tell. That chill-bited material, struggling for 45 seconds. Ended it with a cleaner. Something about a salad will never really know. Wow. Imagine that. The roommates are going to have to watch that set. Amex Platinum. Access to exclusive Amex pre-sale tickets can score you a spot trackside.

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for the tragic murder of Meredith Kircher and the relentless media storm that followed. The twisted tale of Amanda Knox is now streaming only on Disney Plus. All right, you're, you guys still having fun out there? Mix the noise to your next bucket poll, everybody. It's Mario Z. So I'm 45 years old, and on top of looking like Ian Financial Ruin, the thing that sucks the most for me is all the things that I loved when I was a kid are ruined. You know what I loved? Bill Cosby.

And I know that shit sounds mental to say nowadays, but like I grew up with Bill Cosby. Watch all of his shows. Kids say the darned his things. Fat Albert, the Cosby Show. And all of these shows had lessons that taught you how to be a good person. ironically from Bill Cosby, you know. But like he was my hero, right? So when the allegations came out, I couldn't believe it.

I was like, that's America's dad. And the evidence came out and I was like, fucking Bill. But even though I couldn't defend him, there were people who said dumb shit like, well, it happened so long ago, what does it even matter? And fuck those people, all right? Bill Cosby's going to be remembered

for all the bad shit that he did because he wasn't on the Lakers. Kobe. Hey, maybe a Bill had a fistful of rings instead of fistful of quailers. Maybe we could overlook a couple of things, you know? Bill Herzard was dying to get on a helicopter, y'all. Thank you.

All right, Mario Z. You've been on this show before, Mario? I have. Right. Good to see you again. Remind us. Remind us, how long you've been on stand-up? What do you do for work? Stand-up 12 years for work.

Wow. I'm big porn. Okay, what kind of porn do you make? Giantess porn with my wife? Yeah, yeah, yeah. She was on in December. You have a big... Giantess porn, like 50-foot woman shit.

You guys don't like big titty's? It's hot. Okay, what is it again? Giantess porn, so like 50-foot woman's stuff. Is she really big? My wife is taller than me. Okay. I did it.

But what makes it a giantess porn? Explain that to, again, to everyone else in the world. Got it, okay. Other than red pants, pig ass. Oh, I love giant, this poor, yeah, man. This guy's a fucking Tarantino, fucking Giant. You don't even know, dude. This fucking guy, I'm gonna have to pride

so many questions for him, dude. How excited Red Pant. I think my childlike wonder over here. I think my ex, actually, he made a movie with my ex. Okay. All right, Juanita. Let's fucking shout out more people. Jesus fucking Christ.

Yeah, yeah. So I do video editing. And so pandemic happened. We moved to Philly, and I got a job, and we were fucking broke. I lost a job because it was a shitty job. And we were trying to figure out shit to do. And we threw out a video, and somebody's like, hey, can you make me this custom?

And we're like, well, these are the things we won't do. and they're like, done. List the things that you wouldn't do. Nudity, no nudity. And that's basically it. Wait. God damn it. I'm the one wondering if I'm kind of loopy this episode

or if the answers that I'm getting are so retarded. One of the things you wouldn't do in a porn is nudity. Okay, that's what I was thinking too. Yeah, okay, so fetish porn isn't necessarily about sex. Yes, it is. I don't know what you're.

I like sex. Me too. So the video is just what, like, the camera on the floor and the woman looking big? I do video editing, so we do, like, green screen stuff. We put her, like, into cities. She stops around and, like, breaks shit and everything. She ropes G.I. Joe's on her crotch.

Okay, red band, please. Is that what it is? Let the guy fucking... No, no, no, no. It's in her hot wheels cars on a fat woman? I feel like you know more than I do. So it's basically green screen, make-believely. giant girl. Yeah, yeah. It's more like

the story of what's the most sexual thing that she does in this porn? She wears a bikini. But you call it porn? Okay, so a lot of it is like... Who buys it? Well, people... Can you say his name? Creepy short guys? A lot of people buy it actually. Yeah, well,

maybe, I don't know. But it's more about like the domination of it, like the actions. So it's like not necessarily the sexuality of the woman, but like her presence in a scene. It's fetish porn. I don't think I've ever...

Don't you miss the good old days when Flayboy would just show you a smiling blonde woman's nipples? Wasn't America whole back then? Before all of this degenerate big woman with clothes on stuff? Remember a... It's unbelievable. A vagina with hair on it? You're very old.

And this is how both of you make your money is by doing this? We don't do that anymore. She's a behavioral therapist and... So how do you make money? We make passive income on the porn. So like stuff that we made like five years ago is still selling. You're gettin fucking residuals on your giantess porn. Oh, fuck.

But she's tall, not like... What's that? Clips for sale? Clips for sale. We have our own personal site. We also do like other stuff, like OnlyFans and stuff like that. We do like picture sets and shit like that. Jesus Christ, man.

All right, anything else? Times are tougher in COVID. You know it's over, right? Well, that's why we stop doing it, but we're still making the money on it. Okay. Can anyone do this? I mean, sure, yeah.

Everybody can do anything, right? Well, I mean, it sounds like the most doable porn ever. It really is. That's what I'm saying. That's why, like, we were able to do it. If I was like, hey, can I bang you in front of a camera? She'd be like, fuck you, you know? So...

Like, I'll do a lot. I'll do a lot of porn if I don't got to get naked. Technically, I think we're doing porn right now is what I'm finding out. Somebody's going to jack off to these. I promise you. Yeah, yeah. 100%. We're doing some giantess shit.

Yeah. No doubt about it. The giantess comedy show in the world. All right. You already have a little joke book? No, I have a big one. There you go. You're getting a little one this time.

All right, thanks. There was a lot of clunk around that. But the Lakers part was funny. Long setup. Ineffective tags. Let's change the mood in here a little bit, everybody. We have one of our most famous regulars of all time here to do a minute. Ladies and gentlemen, sing along if you know the words.

This is Hans Kim. Hey, what's up? It's good to be here. It's good to be here. I got kind of nervous when all those Democrats left the state earlier this month because usually when politicians leave Texas, it means there's a natural disaster coming. A lot of people have a Nancy Pelosi stock tracker.

I have a Ted Cruz weather app. Whenever he's in Cancun, you know how to layer up. Yeah, I have a Jewish country. girlfriend I found out, so that helps with the weather thing. My girlfriend is Jewish, which means we're going to have Asian Jewish babies. There's just going to be lines of computer code that reset your credit score. But yeah, just a different time when I was a kid, trans fats were bad. Thank you guys.

Wow. Tony's own Hans Kim, absolutely crushing. Multiple punchlines scattered throughout a minute, honest, pure, from your perspective, all stuff true to you. And there he is. This is the man who's notoriously

the greatest interviewee in the history of the show. He cannot tell a lie. He constantly overshares. And the interview begins now. Welcome back, Hans. Thank you, Tony. How do you feel?

I feel great. I'm ready to tell you about my sex life. Go right ahead. If that's what you want to do, I mean, I wasn't even going to ask about that, but if that's what you want to talk about, you can go right ahead. Well, I mean, I think I covered all of it.

Have you ever seen giantess porn before? You have. Yeah. You're the kind of guy that would be into that. Yeah, I was kind of intrigued. Ooh. So you've seen it before. What happened in the giant-disporn that you've seen?

Can you describe it first? Ha-ha-ha. Ha-ha-ha. Well, it's Amazon Amanda. Some of you... You know Amazon Amanda? Really? Let me see.

You can look her up. Amazon Amanda. Yeah, she just dangles a woman tickles her feet. Which part are you into? Just the tickling, the whole tickling thing. You love tickling, huh? Yeah.

Tickling, not tick, not, I don't like to be tickled. You don't? No, I hate it. How bad do you hate it? It's like a nightmare, like a sexual nightmare. Well, you never should have let me now, though. Yeah, I mean. James, are you in the mood to tickle him a little bit?

How many you think we should let James tickle hugs? Is that her? Oh my God, Amazon Amanda is huge. No, here's what you do. You get behind him. Hans, you face the crowd. He's looking at it. You can't see it happening.

It's different when you see it. Do the ghost tickle. Don't turn around, Hans. You're not allowed to turn around. I could tickle him like that. That's poking. He's doing some kind of wacky Australian-Irish poking. I'll get you.

Here's how we tickle in the other hemispheres. Ew, he just poked. That's not a good thing. You gotta go in there. You gotta hit those ripples, dude. The armpits don't really work. This is fun. Now I get why it's porn.

Yeah. You could find that clip on clips for sale. Amazing. Amazon Amanda is humongous, by the way. Yeah, it's like a power thing. It's crazy. Wow. And you're into that.

Yeah. That's gross. Stop to Dave Land. Oh, God. What? Yeah. No. Did you get your watch back?

No. No, you didn't get the watch back. Oh, that sucks. I feel bad about that. It's okay. It's not your fault. Was she bigger? Uh, no.

She was petite. Here, give me. Is that this water? You see this, Hans? Yes, Tony. This is a new feature on the show. You know what we do with this? It's the super tickler.

I'll touch you with this. You're going to feel a... All right. Hans, what else is going on in your life? Committed any crimes lately? You get pulled over by the police? I did. You did?

In Mississippi, a black police officer pulled me over. so I don't know where that lies in MLK's dream. But no, she... She obviously pulled you over not for the color of your skin but for the quality of your driving. Tell us how this went down when you got pulled over.

I was going 78 in a 70 or something like that. And, you know, it was just like a speed trap and... Yeah. It might have been 84. But yeah, he was just a quick, you know, it's like, that's, it's like very efficient. He just, you know, wrote it, you know, sent me on my way. Great having black cops, you know, they know what it's like. Well, here he is.

We have the official state trooper of Mississippi. Famously, one of the worst state highway patrolmen in all of Mississippi. I swear to God when I find you, you're going to be in real trouble, motherfucker. I felt that breeze. That's at least 82, 83 miles an hour. Hansi boy, Kim, having fun and missing. The shows have been good, everything's good. Yeah, it went to San Antonio with Timmy No Breaks.

Ooh, the newest superstar, another non-handicapped golden ticket. a winner. San Antonio was made for Timmy No Break's. Tell us what you mean when you say that. It's just like, you know, just fucking rowdy people, just fucking drinking and just fucking yelling at Timmy. It's kind of aggressive.

But no, it was great. He murdered. It was amazing. I was in other cities. You know, I had to go through Mississippi, so, you know, it's kind of you know, ups and downs. But, yeah, I, I got a lot of guys coming up to me tell me about guns

and guys that can kill me now, like, just tell me that they can do that. You know, it's not very tactical to tell everyone you have a gun, so I'm kind of at a disadvantage year. But yeah, I'm kind of just chilling. I have my guns. Was it mainly white people in Mississippi showing you their guns?

Yeah. I don't think black people are into like the, you know, the round millimeter of shit, they're just like, you know, using it. How about nerdy stuff, Hans? How's your nerd life been going? What do you been doing in that department? Any new hobbies in your... I got back into StarCraft 2. I'm a Diamond League 2B2 player.

Wow. Incredible. Are you good at Rubik's Cube? I'm very bad. I could do the first two rows, but not the bottom row. All right, perfect. I guess we won't be using that tonight. All right. Hans, fun times. Thank you so much. The legend, Hans Kim, ladies and gentlemen. All right, your next bucket pool, ladies and gentlemen, goes by the name of Isaac Kane Brown.

We're gonna meet them all together now. Isaac Kane Brown. My girlfriend's a type one diabetic, and a type 2 fucking bitch all the time. I think we should start thanking the spouses of veterans for their service. For real, guys, they're warriors. I mean, could you imagine hearing a firework and just getting the shit kicked out of you? For absolutely no reason.

Fuck the troops, dude. Fun fact, I don't know if you guys know this. Hennessy is made from grapes. That's fucked up. That's like light beer being made from ranch. You know exactly who's drinking it. Ha ha. Auto-correct can be confusing.

Autocorrect can be confusing. For three months, I thought my dad was scared in ninjas. Which, looking back, doesn't make sense. Why would ninjas have pit bulls? Damn it, just a little too long. Here, to say it again, why doesn't it make sense? Why would ninjas have pit bulls?

Wow. There you go. There it is. Isaac Kane Browns. Is this your first time on the show? No. Okay. Third.

Third time. Yeah. Okay. All right. How long have you been doing stand-up? Three years now. What do you do for work? Nothing.

How are you able to survive without working? VA disability. Really? You're a veteran? Yeah. What branch? Marine Corps. Okay.

What did you do in the Marine Corps? I was an infantryman. Nothing too much. You ever, you ever battled? Have you ever battled? You ever go to battle? The only thing I battled was gay thoughts. And that was a battle.

Wow. In that case, I deserve the Medal of Honor. But the VA gives you enough money to totally survive and live a normal life. I make it work. Can you give us an example of how you, you know, use your budget to your advantage? Uh, ramen noodles, chef, boy, R.D. And then I, I sell yukio cards. Ah, there it is.

The truth is out. I remember you now. Red band going, you don't know yukio? You don't fucking know yukio. Yukio and giant is porn. It's a whole evening. What do you think? What's your love life like, guys?

Like you seem like a good-looking guy. You seem like you'd be the third Franco brother or something like that. It's going good. I have a girlfriend. Yeah. She do comedy, too? No, she's a dog groomer. Ooh, a dog groomer.

All right. I love it when she calls me a good boy. What's that? Everybody's in some wild shit. Amazing. Fun. What do you guys think about Isaac Kane Brown? asking the panel, not you guys.

Anything there, James? Do you ever need me de bob? Well, you attacked the armed forces, but you were off the... What? What? In your set, you were being negative about military servicemen. No? What did he say?

You said something nasty about the army. Is that true? You said, fuck the troops. Yeah. But you were the troops. Yeah. Did you not get along with the troops? The troops?

No, they suck. What do you mean when you say that that they suck? Well, most people in the military are 18 to 22. The only reason you join is because you got C's in high school. Is that why you joined? Yeah. How old are you now, Isaac Kane-Brown? I'm 28.

28. And did you suffer a specific injury? I got a Jecto C-D out of a vehicle. You what? Vehicle hit a trench and I flew the fuck out the top of it. If there was any country you could wipe off the earth, which one would it be? Great question. Just one.

Israel. Oh, all right. Okay. And we're back, everybody. Take a little commercial break there. With that hair and nose, you're going to pick Israel? Look, he already hates himself with the troops thing. One of the flies flew into the hard drive there, so if the video came out a little jittery, it's all wacky.

Beboo, beep, boob, beboop, it's all fixed now, and we're back. Oh, there he is. When you hear the sound of a jungle bird, you know. No way, that's going on Netflix. It's true. maybe on Al Jazeera but not good. All right, Isaac Kane Brown.

You're not Jewish yourself? No. No, you just look like that. Yeah. All right. I love it. What do you think about CEOs of health care companies?

You do have a look. We got to teach him a lesson. All right, Isaac. You already have a big joke book? There he goes. Isaac Cain Brown, everyone. The lovely Heidi, everybody. Heidiregina.com is her new website.

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Make some noise for Augie Lee. Augie Lee. Here we go. Hey, so I caught my girlfriend cheating on me. I got home from work and walked into our house because we lived together. And I saw her making love with a man in my living room. So I bolted up, and I said,

What's the big idea? No, I mean, really, what's the big idea? I mean, what the fuck? No, no, no, no, no. What the fuck? Fuck, fuck. Anyway, speaking to black guys, All right

I mean, what the fuck No, my cousin's Zane, a black guy And she's having a baby soon And yeah, okay That's it No, no, no You go

You go And I'm like, what's that baby gonna be like, you know? Like Mueh Wheeh And y'all Where do my baby's that?

Mueh Can I get a chocolate Newport. Can you? I need some studio time. All right, thank you, yeah. No, no, no, keep going. Just do all the material that you have.

I'm very interested by you. Do you have more jokes? No, not really. Okay, perfect. All right. That's good, that's good. Augie Lee. I wanted to see if all your jokes halfway through,

you just turn into like, like, it seems like you have a little thing there. Yeah, yeah. a really, really, really lazy Casey Rockett. I like it. Not a lot of movement, but a shit ton of charisma and very compelling material. Thank you.

You have a little bit of your own style. How long you've been doing stand-up? About like seven months. Okay, all of it here in Austin? Yeah, we'll start it in Seattle. I'm from Seattle. And you just moved here? Yeah.

Nice, congratulations. Thank you. All right. How do you, yeah, James. I just wondered what else you'd been doing since LMFAO broke up. I like the hair. Yeah.

I like the hair. The hair is cool. No, no, thanks. Yeah, no, I know. I'm like, Chimiconga Libre. I don't know. Natural Libre. Never mind, forget about it.

Perfect. Yep. Are you Mexican? Uh, yeah. I mean, Hispanic, something like that. Yeah, perfect. What do you do for work, Augie Lee? Uh, I work at a thrift store.

Do you? I do, actually. Oh. Does that mean steel carburetors? No, but I do work with some Mexicans. You see some crazy stuff working at a thrift store? People trying to make deals. Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah.

Tell us about it. I got, like, guys coming in, and, like, someone will drop something off. And the thing is, it's required to bring it inside, and we tag it, price it, whatever. And I'll get people to be like, hey, let's just a slippy a 20, you know? And I'm like, I don't know. But, you know, we get, like, I got, like, Seinfeld collection. and like... Like VHS?

Yeah, like cool. Yeah, just cool, like vintage shit, I guess. Wow. Newchi sunglasses. They pay you for bringing stuff to a thrift store? No, no. Other people... I get paid to bring it in

while other people donate. I'm sorry, I had it a very exciting moment where I thought I could get rid of all my shit. But you said they're coming in and they're complaining. They're like, this should be 20. Yeah, yeah, exactly. But they're not getting any money for it.

They just want the dignity of the... product to get a high price. Yeah. That's weird. It is weird. It is weird. It's like, come on, we're doing it like a third of the price anyways or whatever. Augie, do you do drugs? I don't know. Tony? It looks like I do drugs. Huh. You know what? Yeah, it does.

A little bit. What kind of drugs do you do? I like acid a lot. Okay. When's the last time you did acid? Um, hmm. What time today? Actually, I did it like a couple weeks ago And while I was on acid We were just chilling on the couch And we were trying to write something

But we saw a rat Running across into my bathroom Yeah I was like, is this real? Yeah And they, yeah, the rat like it was the whole thing On rat on acid And my friends were just fucking with me the whole night

That was the last time I took acid by the way That was it. A few weeks ago. Yeah, a few weeks ago. Yeah. Awesome. How about drinking? You do a lot of drinking?

Like a Jack and Coke guy. How about today? Sorry. Did you drink today? What if I just fucking eat his face off? I'm like, Oh, wow. Get out, Tony.

You're a wild boy, Augie. Did you drink today, Augie? Yeah, a little. I had one drink. My friend Matt was like, you're getting one drink only. You don't, don't, you know, it's going to fuck with you. And I kind of, yeah, I was like, okay.

And then I'm here. It happened. Yeah. You scared? How do you feel? A little bit. I've been watching, I've been watching you guys since I was like 13 years old. Wow.

How old are you now? I'm 24. Amazing. Okay. So with that said, you've been watching that long. You're in the interview part right now. I know. What would you want you to do in this part of the show?

You've been watching for a long time. Wow. Wow. This is it. I know, I know, right? You good at anything? You have any special skills or talents? You know how to yodel or anything like that? Yoddlee, yoodle, yoodle.

No, I can't. So no. No, but I don't always try. I'll try anything once. I like karaoke. I love karaoke. I bet you do. I make music and stuff too, but I will sing anything.

No. But no, yeah, no. Don't let me do that because I. Anything crazy about your family or your life history? Any near-death experiences? You ever save anybody's life? You ever do anything good? Have you ever done an act of service?

Oh, boy. That's a good question. I don't think I have ever done anything good. Okay, what's the worst thing you've ever done? You ever committed a crime or anything like that? Um, we... Have you ever had any brain injuries? Brain injury?

Concussions? We... No, I don't know. Okay. Yeah, no, I don't know if I've done anything bad or good, Tony. This is a hard question. I'm trying to think of like... When you say we, do you mean you?

No, he doesn't. Yes. Yeah, no, I meant my... I meant you too, right? No, yeah. All right, Augie. you're a silly boy thank you but you know what i'm gonna give you a big joke book augy congratulations thank you i like your set i appreciate you got a little

tightened up during the interview but there he goes ogy lee thank you i like silly shit like when it goes silly yeah he's pretty silly he's a silly guy let's keep it moving along you guys still having fun out there how many you like doing comedians do good on this show How many of you like when comedians do bad on this show? Oh, you must be having a blast tonight. Mix most for your next bucket pool. It's John Bechdel. John Bechdle.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, you're in a four trees. So let's see how it goes. Austin, Texas. How's it going? RFK, it's on fucking sight. Without these food dyes, how am I going to know which M&M I want to fuck now. Jokes on you. It's the yellow one. I love that big dumb slight. Hey, y'all. Give it up, Mother Chip. I know this is a crowd of true, blue, red, 40-blooded Americans. Am I goddamn right? No, these

music biopics, they're crazy. They're making like a Bruce Springsteen one. What, in 20 years, the clone of Timothy Shalame is going to star in a One Direction movie that gets nominated for Academy award where we learned what direction that band was about. Down! We'll get a story about XXXXTintoshion's older brother XI, XI, XI, XI 11thian.

The story of Big Little Uzi Verth's dad, big Gatling Gun horizontal. All of his friends are alive. How Rob Tombs from Matchbox 20 is just like, yeah, hindsight

smashbox 2020. I know Joanchi loves fabrics. I wouldn't trust a single Jason Vidalie. Hell yeah, y'all. John Bechtel. You're a wild boy. Look at you. Again, this is like the third guy tonight

that just looks like a pure fucking comedian. I mean, you look like you've been exclusively only eating plastics your entire life. I can't even buy macroplastics. Yeah, you look like you pour the water out of the plastic bottle and just start chewing on it. Just straight plastic bottle eater.

Robin flavor is like, that's an upgrade. It is incredible. You are something else. I mean, look at you. You are a wild boy. Thank you very much. Okay, good, good, good. Fantastic.

How long have you been a full-grown garden gnome? Ever since I made that wish three full moons ago. How long have you been exclusively only eating beef jerky? I've never been able to afford that shit. Okay. Tell us about your budget. Tell us how you, what do you eat? So, luckily, I work at a restaurant that gives us free food. I think that that's great. I think that legally that should be the case. Yeah. Because, God, damn it, I can't afford anything on these Mother Christmas. My God, incredible. So what's your living situation? You live alone?

I've got some roommates. Okay. Tell us about the situation. How many roommates? Two roommates. They're married. Josh and Maria McCauley. They're absolutely safe. Everybody's just shouting people out tonight. This is a ticking time bomb. No, they're absolute saints. I wouldn't have a living, like, situation. You had a what? I wouldn't have a living situation

if I wasn't doing comedy and met cool people. Yes, absolutely. So where did you meet them at? A open mic at Tiniest Bar in Texas. Okay. I thought you were going to say A-A there for a second. Are you sober? We went over this last time.

I'm two years sober, eventually. Okay, but not yet Did the line work better The last time you did it? Kind of did, actually Okay, so John You're working at a restaurant You got roommates

You guys share one bathroom Two, oh God That is the biggest upgrade In my quality of life I've ever had Having my own goddamn bathroom My old roommate, Jake Oh, this dipship

My old roommate, Jake Anderson Okay, stop calling people out by their full names, John. Would take a bath for four hours, like this grendel-ass motherfucker just sitting in there, like he would just sit there and be like, dude, like, you could just like, you know, knock. And I'm like, you've been in here for five hours, motherfucker.

Do you ever take a shit while he's sitting there in the bathtub? He kept the curtain closed, so I took a piss and protest once. Wow, look at you. You look crazy, John. What do you drink exactly? vodka and kettle. No, vodka. Sure, yes. We're totally comparable, John.

What's your drink? Vacatonic. How many of those do you drink a day? I've had two today. Really? Yeah. Only two? Only two.

Now, they do serve pitchers next door at Shakespeare's. Did you have one of the pitchers? I tried to, and then y'all called me. Okay. You know what we're going to do? Let's do a breathalizer test on this guy. We have a new. All right.

breathalyzer that we've never tried out before. This is a brand new test in the history of Kill Tony. We've never done this before. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the lovely Heidi everyone. You know how to do this thing, Heidi? Okay, it's on. I'm a professional taking

breathalyzer test. All right. It's fucking blow you, creep. The thing reads, disgusting. It just says halitosis. What does it say, Heidi? 0.0. Yeah, you got a... Blow you f***.

Jesus Christ, almighty. 0.3. All right, there you go. I think that's... That's genuinely crazy. Slightly over the legal limit. Right? Or no, it's under.

No, it's way under. Yeah, way under. You look trash. I look like trash to me. What's your love life like, John? Is there any one that's into that? We found out tonight people have a lot of crazy fetishes. Oh, God.

Well, mine's about, like, not having a fetish. Uh, so I had an old fuck buddy of mine. She told me not to tell the story. Great, please do not say her full name. What's it full name? So, her name is Michelle Obama. No, no, uh, so, so... She just recently became a juggolette.

And we're hooking up, and she's like, John, I think this is going to be a deal breaker. And it's like, we've been fucking for like eight years. So what's going to be a deal breaker? Well, her playlist, she's just become a juggolette. There's nothing else? It's all brand new, like music to her. So there's like four songs. Did you go to the gathering?

Not yet. Didn't get invited. All right. She starts stock in the fridge of Fago, you know. So why would it not work out if she's into different music? Well, she wants me to be into it. This is what she started listening to. Right.

There's about four songs in the playlist. What does she have? Is that on repeat during sex? But she's got that insane clown pussy now. Yeah. So you're as cheap and wrong. You should fix your situation. This long-term fuck-buddy thing is a real mistake.

Oh yeah, no, no. I'm out of situation. The insane clown posse is now in the situation. Well, at least they didn't come out here with a blood test. John, before you go, tell us the craziest thing about your entire life that we don't know about you right now. I fell into the sewer last year.

I'm trying to find a good lawyer to help me sue the city of Austin to help with that. Okay, please tell us exactly what happened. I think we're finding out exactly why you look the way you look. It took seven and a half minutes for us to get there.

The old pot calling the kettle black. Old nuclear fucking weiner dog over here. So this is a story of how I went home. I'm walking down the street. I've walked down south first and Barton Springs by that water burger. What a lovely day. I turned to the left.

I fucking fall about eight feet into a fucking sewer. Oh. The fucking guy working on it. Didn't put a sign. He's just like smoking a joint on the sign and being like, oh, sure, what's going on over here? And I'm like, help me.

Please. Oh my God. You could definitely sue for that. Dude. I've got like 90 stories like that. You're gonna die. Well, no. Probably, yeah.

No, seriously, you have everything. Yeah. You might be the strongest person alive, immune-wise, though. That's what I'm saying. You're like the toxic adventure without the, you know, hero part and strength. Yeah, and also unemployable. Right.

Yeah. You've got 90 stories similar to falling down an open sewers? Can you tell us? Just one more. Do you have one more that you could think of? When I was a kid, I was attacked by a pelican on a school trip. Oh, my God. You don't, you can't believe how hard it was to convince that teacher I didn't have my homework anymore. Where were you visiting?

Fucking SeaWorld, so the teachers didn't have to work. Oh my God. How hard did it attack you? I mean, like, I'm no longer friends with those goddamn dirty birds. You were friends with the pelicans before. I thought they're pretty neat. You know, I like to, who's the one? Like, the fucking, it's the tuna guy?

Like, um, the fish restaurant. I don't know. Yeah. Charlie, Charlie. No, that's a son kiss. No, no. Mr. Tuna. Yeah, Mr. Tuna.

Mr. Tuna. Classic character. Sorry, but there are at like 90 of these stories. Yeah, okay, okay. You could be here all night. No, but just rattle them. I'd like to hear one more. What's number 88?

Story number 88. Number 88 is... Fell into a sewer. It was 90. Attacked by Pelicans. At SeaWorld. Number 88. All right.

One time I got the district manager, my job fired because he owed me $270 and he could not stop me from calling HR every single day. So how did you get him fired? Well, you know, this guy would hire, like, 16-year-olds. You know, just that was kind of his most operandi. Where was this job?

What was this job? Podbelly on Guadalupe. Wow. Calls everything out by name. Oh, Edmile Kevin Snogh. Old black male Bechtel. The dockser, John Bechdle, is here. Samantha Appleby, you bitch.

Hey, pie's not too hot. You're a wild boy, John. You already have a big joke book? I do not. Here you go. There it is. John Bechtel, everyone. Talking about I who wants to fuck M&Ms, and honestly, I believe him.

I believe him. Whoa. Whoa. Ninety-one. Yeah, there it is. Story number 91. I was once walking off Kill Tony, and I almost died tripping on a court.

I need a lawyer if anybody has one. has one. I did have a lawyer before, but he screwed me. His name... What the fuck is it? Fucking Henry. Thomas J. Henry.

Thomas J. Henry. All right. It got Willa. He got my daughter. I need to find her. Willa! From acclaimed director, Paul Thomas Anderson. You can save that girl. On September 26th,

experience what is being called best movie of the year this is at the end of the line not for you leonardo de cabrio sean pan benicio del torro tiana taylor chase infinity let's go here i come one battle after another only in theater september 26th experience it in iMacs hey what's up this is joe from past gas podcast by donut media we're an automotive history podcast but you don't have to be a car person to enjoy our show we tell the craziest stories like the first race across America. It was basically 45 days of hell, or how the humble caravan saved Dodge and allowed them to make the viper. We've been doing this podcast for over five years now, and there are still so many crazy stories. It amazes me. It's basically like

hanging out in the garage, chopping it up with your friends, hanging out, good vibes. So check out pass gas wherever you get your podcasts. Your next bucket bowl goes by the name of Alex Tarno. Alex Tarno, everyone. Here we go. How are you guys doing tonight? Good? Yeah, I'm doing good myself, all things considering. I'm single. I miss my ex-girlfriend because I miss doing chick shit.

I love chick shit. Most guys in this room are like football, cars. Me, I'm like Hobby Lobby. Bath and Body Works. Love all this shit. I try to convince my guy friends to go with me, but they all just think I'm trying to fuck them. They're like, yo, let's go to a strip club.

I'm like, that sounds fun. But you know what sounds fun? A farmer's market. Let's go get some locally sourced honey, dude. Some fresh produce, dude. I think of that strip club, right? I like strip clubs, but I don't like that the gender roles were reversed at a strip club.

The women come up to the men, and that's terrifying to me. I'm not used to that shit at all, and they're aggressive as fuck. Ladies, I understand your plight. I now know what it's like to be a hot chick because I'm just there with my boys just trying to have a fun time at the strip club. And these money-hungry strippers like,

ah, you want to dance, you want to dance? And I'm like, leave me alone, trying to have fun with my friends. Just because I dress as sweet as me, I want attention. All right, thank you. Alex Tarno. Hell yeah. Welcome, welcome. Alex, we know you, right?

Have you been on this show before? Yes, I have, sir, yes. You've been pulled out of the bucket. Not pulled out of the bucket. I brought Chris Celio, my roommate, my best friend. That's right, the Golden Ticket winner. That's blind. Incredible.

How long have you guys been roommates? We've been roommates for a short period time, best friends for 10 years. Wow, amazing. What's it like being best friends with a blind guy? It's fine. I mean, like, it's fucking. D madness, plug your ears.

Dude. Bro, like, you know, like simple shit where, like, it'll be, he's... This one time I go into the bathroom, lights are off, doors open, right? I open the door, and then he goes, ah, dude, I'm like, well, fuck you. Oh, that's amazing. Of course they don't need the lights on. Why the fuck would they? I've never even thought of that before.

Blind people's electric bills must be incredible. God damn it, 35, sit! What the fuck did I do? How the hell is this even motherfucking possible? It's all from the doorbell. Who been ringing that fucking doorbell that much? I'm going to charge those motherfuckers. It's one of my D-Madness Impression, D, I don't know if you could tell.

That's you. I'm not really good at impressions, but that's... I love it. So what do you do for work, Alex Tarnow? Me, so I am. My background is in teaching, but right now the first shop I was able to get when I moved to Austin. I'm currently a server at a retirement community. Whoa, okay.

You're just serving final meals, cons. Just, I mean, bro, I was, like, excited when I first got the job because I'm like, yo, I'm gonna fucking crush some old pussy, dude. And then I got the job, and then I was like, oh, bro, gross. This is not like what you Google online, dude. Have any of the ladies, have any of the old ladies tried to fuck you? No, come on, but you know, not at all. Yeah, you would have crushed them, though.

I would have destroyed. You are adorably chubby. I mean, it is a special, it is a very special kind of fat. I love that you lean into it by wearing shirts like that. If you poke my belly, I giggle. I bet. I bet you do. What are your foods of choice?

What does it take to exactly make that shape? Uh, so, I have, I have. I have like a legendary Chipotle order. Ooh, tell us about this. It's pretty crazy. I get a steak bowl but triple steak. Oh my God, yes. Double large guac, extra toppings, dude.

What are your toppings of choice? My top cheese, like the shredded cheese, right? Corn, you know. The chili corn, yeah. You go red and green? I do red and green, yeah. Oh, you are. M&M's.

I go through the M&M. Rice Kris, treats like one of those wacky wacky ice cream sundays by the end crumbled Oreos I go ham with that too dude Derek Queen is fucking

you go ham with ham what's your love life like Alex? I've been single now for two years you know yeah yeah so you know I've been kind of... You from Austin? No I'm from Miami have you ever kissed a girl since you've lived in

Not yet, no. Not yet? Is there a girl out there? Is there a fan of the show that'll come up and give him his big first Austin kiss, this adorable boy? We have some of the greatest fans in all of show business. And famously, there's always a woman that for the sake of the goodness of the State of the Union, come on, whoever you are. This is where the magic happens.

magic happens everybody this is a very long famous portion of the show it's called kiss me here on kill Tony this is Alex Tarno and this is his first kiss as an Austin Texas resident okay hell yeah that was a quick little peck there how do you feel Alex. Thank you. I appreciate that. Thank you. Thank you. I believe this is a couple. Yeah, it really is. You guys are both wearing Halloween shirts. What? Why are you booing? Why are you fucking who are you offended by in that? Great thing just right now. You don't think he's a handsome, charismatic man with a funny joke about the strip club? I look like a poor man's John Belushi. Like a jimbalushi?

You look like a jimbleushi. Yeah, that's Jimba Lushie. Not Jimbleu. A poor man, Sean Bollucci is Jimbleuish. That's what I was trying to say. I thought it was funny. It is, yeah, it's so funny.

It's incredible. Okay, Alex. Just make sure she's on top. It's fucking murder if I'm on top. What's your name, sweetheart? Talking to that microphone right there. Elena. Elena, how did you feel kissing Alex on this stage?

Well, he's quite charming. Wow, look at this. Oh, my goodness. Hell yeah, this chick's going to be walking in on a blind dude taking a shit in the dark in no time. This is incredible. Amazing, amazing. Elena, where are you from?

Michigan. Oh, okay. So this guy's, this is like a... 10 right here. This is a Michigan 10. We do look like we make the perfect 10, though. Yeah, 0-1, perhaps. I think Michael's seeing the 10 back there. All right. Thank you so much, Elena. Thank you Alex Tarno. Fun times. Alex, how long's your longest set? I'm about a hand for Elena, everybody, being a good sport.

What's the longest set you've ever done? 30 minutes. 30 minutes. I would love to have you and the black guy on the Secret Show Thursday. Chris Celio and Alex Tarno just got booked on the Secret show. Oh, my goodness. Here we are coming

right around the corner. All right. We have another bucket bowl, ladies and gentlemen. Make some noise for Jackson Namy, everyone. Jackson Namy. Appreciate it. I know I looked like I got turned out out of Planet Fitness. It was a YMCA, fuck you, for real.

I got PTSD, preconceived tendency to suck dick, and it's a disorder. And it's hereditary, some of you hoes better watch out. They call me Kronis the way I be eating kids. Pause, pause, what the fuck? That's a Greek joke. They call me Percy Jackson, the half-blood f*** it, for real. They call my throat Slitterbond the way kids be sliding down it.

But it's a magic school. on my tongue. Come on the magic school bus. I don't know. Stop sucking dick behind the school bus again. I can tell there's some closeted energy. I can feel it in the crowd. That one time in college.

With his uncle. With that girl, he wasn't a girl who he thought it was a girl. But you ever get so horny you scoot on the carpet like a dog? Just me? Just me? Nah, the dikes are in the front row, are like, nah, we just munch it, the fuck. This guy asked me if being gay was a choice.

I said, not to my victims, the fuck? Damn, Jackson Namy coming in and absolutely destroying. Counts for double being that gay in the middle of Texas. You double-killed. Absolutely incredible, Jackson. Last time you killed this hard,

it was your parents' expectations of you. What a huge change from last time of you were in, man. A huge growth spurt since the last time you were on this show, which was very, it was just gay, wasn't, and you came out, I fucking... I'm only half gay now. I'm gone to be... Yeah. Amazing. Amazing, Jackson.

So remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up now? Seven, eight years, maybe. Seven or eight years. All of it here in Texas? Yes, sir. Okay. This is where you're born and raised? Houston, Texas.

Okay. What are your parents like? What do they think of this whole thing with you? They're just regular folk, conservative, methodists. Yeah. What is your dad say to you when you, when he hears material like this? What do you think he's going to say, like, Jackson, God damn it. He's not boomer autism, so like, I give him, I give him space, you know what I mean?

What do you mean by that? Can you explain that? walls and be like, that's Hardwood right there. Like, he just, he just knows shit like that. So, you know, we get along in a weird way. So like, Hank Hill shit. Definitely Hank Hill shit, yeah. If Bobby was trans, then me, yeah.

Yeah. What do you guys do for fun? What do you and your dad do for fun? You used to go camping. We don't, you know, estranged relationships, you know, we tryin. Yeah. How about mom?

You closer with mom? She cool. She was in remission for Burminton. breast cancer. Okay. Yeah. Look at that. Amazing. Full remission. Okay. So what do you do for fun, Jackson? When you're not doing comedy or sucking cock.

What's your third favorite thing to do? We know what the first two are. This guy is killing and filling. Crushing and gushing. I got me a girlfriend. Really? Wow. Okay. Where'd you meet this guy?

No. No. It's a real girl? Yeah. You're gay, but you have a girlfriend. Help us to understand this. I was her gay friend, and now she, like, needs a gay friend. It finally worked for one of us.

We finally, it's been a strategy for a lot. This is amazing. This is amazing. So explain to us the slow burn that was you being her gay friend to starting to fuck. How long were you guys just friends for? Years.

Years. Yeah, definitely years. So then what, explain to us the moment, the day, the date, the movie, whatever it may have been, where all of a sudden you... It was the day I was being institutionalized. It was that day. Okay, so tell us about that.

So, like, she called me after a while. It's been a while, and I was like, yeah, because you remember I said I sucked dick up here and a million views and... Yeah, you just did it again. That's the kind of a toll. You just did it again. Yeah, that's it.

I mean, it's whatever, but I'm just saying, you know, I got a lot of traction on Grindr after that. That was crazy. But I... Okay, so you got institutionalized after your appearance on the show? For sure, for sure. But why?

What? Why? Was it for the pressure of being on the show, honestly? No, man, man, no. Okay, tell us why you got institutionalized. The gay shit. What do you mean?

Who? I was sad. Juanita was here earlier. She's not going to jail. She's not going to a psych ward. They put me on some Prozac. Fuck the medicine companies. That shit.

Was it your parents? Yeah, yeah. I can't kill it did this to you. That's the end. answer. Yeah, it was fine. It was fine. Okay, so how long did you get institutionalized for? Two months. Two months. Two months. Two months. Tell us about that. What was that like?

I was popular for the first time. It was awesome. Okay. Explain to us what you mean by that. Well, like, they do this group therapy shit and like I was just running laps around motherfuckusk. Just getting big laughs. Yeah, like fucking kill it. Oh, mama cancer. Oh, I was a sweetheart. Like, motherfucker. Oh, yeah. Yeah, them girls. with the fucking bracelets around they cut wrists, that shit, all shit, I was

everyone's best friend. So you met this girl, this new girlfriend of yours, in the psych ward. No, sir. No, so where'd you... Oh, that's right, right, exactly. Hometown, hometown girlfriend. So why did she come out of the woodwork the day of your institutionalization? God, I don't know.

I don't know. I don't fucking know. Okay, so when you got out, two months later, she picked you up? Yeah, we waited, slow burn, just doing gay friendship, going to the gallery, fucking botanical gardens. Right, that's gay. Whatever the fuck.

It's just, it ruined. Okay, so tell us about that moment where it went from being super gay to not gay at all anymore. I would sit in the cup chair in her bedroom. While she was having sex with guys. Well, when I would do comedy, she would do some of that.

But like, that... Because, like, we wasn't together. So it was like I was doing some of that, too. We just keeping the French shit... Okay, let me go back to the root question here. Let's... I'm trying to fight Prozac right now. This is a live battle. Tony versus Prozac on a Battle of the Titans.

If you're wondering why these interviews go nowhere sometimes, it's because it is. The big health care companies have a tight grip on my show. So far, Prozac is up one round against me. There had to be a moment, a true moment. Say you're at the Botanical Gardens or something like that, a moment where you're like, I think I could, I think I want to have sex with this shit.

I was watching this National Geographic show. Okay. No, seriously. It doesn't have to be funny. We just fucked. I was in the bedroom. I was laying down. We were tired of scissoring.

It was time. It was time. It was time. I squirt it. She squirted. My pussy was wet. We got the pH metifier. We was ready.

So you're regularly having sex with a girl? She's pregnant, yes. Wait. What? There are some, I'm confused. I can't even imagine. I'm looking out at some text. that definitely drove a fucking F-250 here from an hour and a half away.

Some real fucking ranch folks that are just literally... Don't be down on it. This is good. This is what you wanted. I don't fucking... He ain't gay no more. He like women. Yeah. This is incredible. Are you still on the SOS? on the SSRIs?

No, sir. No, sir, I'm freewheeling it, motherfucker. Wow. How long has the girl been pregnant for? She's due in October. Due in October. Unbelievable. And so, what are you gonna name the little f***?

Well, Jesus Christ. That thing's coming out gay as fuck, dude. How ah-ha-ha-ha. You're gonna go through what your parents went through, and you're gonna find out how karma works, and they're gonna think you're the conservative autistic one. Lil Jaden, I don't know, he gonna be light skin, we gonna fuck around, but... Oh, it's a black girl?

Oh, she's Nigerian, yes sir. Wow! This is incredible. This guy's making up for all the interviews that went nowhere today. Every time I ask him a question. But isn't it nice that he's still disappointing his parents? It's unbelievable. Have you told them that you're straight now?

Have you broke the news to your parents that you're having a baby? Yeah, they were, yeah. Are they happy? They know, yes, sir. How did they feel about it? They're relieved. They're like, thank God, fuck. This is incredible.

How does it feel going from gay to straight? In record time, crazy. Like, and split, speed, yeah. What's funny is that you still, you got so good from doing it seven or eight years as a gay man that all of your material is crushing and you're talking about sucking dick. Well, you know, I still dabble, but-

Do you really? You really still- Everyone needs their hobbies, the fuck? Wow, does she do that too? Well, yeah, we fuck around, we have a good time. Wow, incredible. I know where I'm sleeping a night. My new friend's house.

pregnant Nigerian and super gay guy sounds like a fucking you gotta get ready to be a father to this child you gotta stop fucking around you gotta buy some real pants you gotta not believe in your ability to be there for this woman and this child but you've written at October

is soon I'm busting my ass here motherfucker I'm trying my best no you gotta not bust your ass your ass Busted enough. Wow. Jackson, does she have a job?

Yeah, sure. What does she do? She was, we don't got a job right now. Neither of you have jobs? How are you planning on supporting the child? Give me a gig, motherfucker. No, that's not how it works. How are you going to do it, period?

You know, you know, only fans, I don't know. Do you guys do things on only fans? No, sir. No. Okay. So how are you planning on supporting the child? This interview is going to get sad. So bullshit-ass job. Like what? I worked at a hair store. I can do that again. A hair store? Yeah.

Sally's? Okay. Redband. I don't know. I don't know what that shit is. Exactly. Dude, you got immense talent to be a professional comic though, for real. You came out swinging. Yes, you do. Thank God, motherfuckers. Somebody said. Thank you. Send this guy some money. Send this, what do they call it when they transfer this? Transfer what?

That you play that. This born-again straight guy. Listen, it's all well and good to be homophobic, but unless you're willing to give money to an ex-ish homosexual, what is it all mean? What's your Venmo? Give you a vent, yes. Dashab, Jackson, name me one. N-A-M-I-M-I. Yes, sir.

Jackson, Amy, one. You're gonna want to get a Venmo. The cash app people don't give as generously. Right, it's true. You're gonna need a Venmo. Venmo is one more V you have to get into. It's incredible. What's your longest set you've ever done, Jackson?

10, 15. I'd love to give you an eight-minute spot at Secret Show Thursday, V. There you go. And here's a big joke book, Jackson. Here you go. He caught it, he's straight. It's official. Wow.

Unbelievable. What an intriguing interview. One more time for Jackson, everybody. All right, your final bucket pull of the night. Make some noise for Frank Kidd, everyone. Frank Kidd. Here we go. We're almost there.

One more time for Frank, everybody. All right, hello. Sounds like you guys have been having fun, but if I could bring it to the mood down for a little bit, I want to talk about a difference between black people and white people. Like black people drive past a plantation and think about the years of horrific injustices put upon us and just how it impacts us today.

Just the number of souls lost to the annals of time crushed under an oppressive system. And then white people drive past that same place and go, what a nice place to have a wedding? Why don't we get married here? Babe, let's do a silly one. Put the shackles on me. That's crazy.

I don't know. Ma'am, have you ever been to a wedding at Auschwitz? Has that ever happened to you? No, that'd be crazy, right? Okay, all right, thank you. All right, Frank, kid. Welcome, Frank. Is this your first time on the show?

Yeah, first time on the show. How long you've been doing stand-up? Four years now. Where at? Houston. Baton Rouge. Baton Rouge. That was going to be my next guest.

Great game. Great game. Yeah, go talk. Yeah, absolutely. It is college football season. Did you go to college? Yeah, I went to LSU. Oh, sweet.

What did you get your degree in? Journalism. Okay. Do you use that at all for anything? Delivering Amazon packages. Perfect. Did you pay off your college debts yet? Parents pay for it.

Oh, nice. Okay. What do the parents do? Real estate. Nice. Look at that. You locked out. Thank you, Mama Deer. I love it. I love it. What do you do for fun, Frank? I like to go out, hang out with my girlfriend, watch football. Okay. Do gay remixes, the songs.

What remixes? Gay remixes. What do you mean gay remixes? It's like, just like a... Yeah, he was about it. It's like a regular song, but you make a loose. James, go ahead. Sorry, we just saw a gay remix come out earlier on.

And, uh... That won't make sense to you, but I apologize. It was a gay guy who's not gay anymore. Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard the last part of the... Well, he's sort of not gay anymore. Well, he dabbles. Yeah, he dabbles.

Yeah. He'll still suck your fucking dick in a heartbeat. Totally straight now. No anal. Frank, how long you've been with your girlfriend? About a year now? What does she do? She works at Dillard's.

Oh, okay. All right. White girl, black girl? Black. Okay. I don't like how he... What? He was like, white girl, black girl?

I was like, she's black. Yeah. Is that weird? It's a weird question? No, I'm just saying. I was like... It seems like you looked at me and you were like, he dates white women, and I was like...

You don't think you look like you would? Not anymore. Right, right. You've been with white women before? No comment. Of course. When you have, what's something that you notice that's different about white women over black women?

Oh, my God. I'm about the... Man, white pussy, no. White pussy would be like, black pussy. I really didn't notice anything different, you know? Nothing at all, huh? Nothing. There's so many huge differences.

Yeah, huge. Like, I bet this, you know, touching of the hair is, I'm told, a big thing, and... No doubt. White women have that cauliflower thing deep inside them that black people don't have? I don't know who... What is that man?

Do you feel that cauliflower? Black women not have it? What the fuck is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? What is wrong with you? What the fuck is wrong with you? Have you felt the cauliflower thing with you? It was broccoli.

Broccoli. If it's a white woman, it's broccoli. It's a darker woman. Okay. So Frank, what else? What do you do for any other hobbies or anything like that? Anything like that? I play Xbox.

I go to the gym, I guess. I wish I did rock climbing or bungee jumping or killed people or something for fun. That would be more interesting. That makes sense, though. Yeah. I love it. I love it.

What's your favorite food, Frank? Mac and cheese. How often you eat mac and cheese? Probably once every two weeks. Wow. What a special treat. I eat it more to the math. Yeah, Redband has to go to a meet-up group

if he goes two weeks without his mac and cheese. What's your favorite mac and cheese? Ooh, here we go. Different levels to the game. Perhaps some bacon bits in the mix? Oven baked with the bacon bits and the breadcrumbs on top. Four cheeses. Red band sometimes does a breadcrumbs-only remix of that.

Breadcrumbs. All right. Frank, Frank, Frank, Frank, You have any kids? No, I did not have any. You want to? Is that, are you offering me somewhere? Yes, would you like to make a baby with me?

No. Do you want to have kids one day? Yes, I'd like to have kids. Also, I will take you up on your offer to have kids with you. Perfect. Because, you know, divorce. I'm coming for half. Absolutely.

Yeah, yeah. Absolutely. I had a feeling you were going to try to steal some. something from me when I first heard. I didn't realize you were gonna play the long game, Frank. I thought you were coming straight from my wallet. I got a long game I can play with you, Tony. I love it. I missed that. What do you say?

You said he was playing the long game with you? No, I said I've got a long game I can play with you, Tony. Oh, I'm sorry, that's very... That's a big dick joke. Oh, I... Absolutely. Okay, Frank, anything else crazy about your life we should know about? Anything ever happened or a weird thing with your family or something, anything about your entire life makes you different?

Okay, so I was out this weekend and this old dude walked up to my girlfriend's friend and he stopped like this, and he looked her up and down and pulled his glasses down and walked away. I thought that was pretty funny. That was insane. I can't believe I saw that in real life. That was ridiculous. What did you do? We looked at each other and laughed. We were like, has it ever worked for you or something?

He's like 60-something years old in the club with like 25, you know, 30-year-old. He's just appreciating it. Like, that's a compliment. Yeah. Is that how you hit on women? Sure. He's got the look.

That's my thing. Oh, God. Wow. You want to be on Secret Show? Can you keep a secret? No. Frank, fun times. Congratulations on getting pulled.

There you go. There you go. Frank Kidd, everybody. There he goes, everyone. Frank Kidd. Well, we've been through so much tonight. I mean, how could we forget? Colin Sledge, starting it off

with a great set and an awkward interview. And then Juanita, Juanita, a giant Mexican woman with a cock. Then there was the electrical energy of Pat O'Neill, the huge bombing of Olivia Coughlin, talking about Jill Biden and her cleaner. It was Mario Z, Hans Kim, Isaac Cain Brown, Augie Lee, John Bechtel, Alex Tarno, Jackson,

Namy, who went from gay to straight, coming inside of a woman's vagina after the dick had been in many assholes of men. Men's assholes, where poop comes out of. And then it's in where a baby comes out of, a vagina. And it came inside of it to the point to where a baby will come out of the shit-stained vagina. Amazing to think that one day, little baby Namy,

will come out of the shit-slide vagina. It's like, this is really tiny. internal monologue, I think, at all times. We've had so much fun with James. The Black Israelite is out on YouTube. Dave Landau's book, Hardy of One, is out now. I think there's only one way to end in episode like this, ladies and gentlemen.

And it is with only one man can do it. The Hall of Famer, who has more appearances than anybody ever in the history of the show. Some people call him the nicked nuisance. nuisance, the prince of prize picks, the vanilla gorilla, the Memphis Strangler. This is the Big Red Machine, William Montgomery, everybody. Okay, spoiler alert, he rapes a lot of inmates, it's graphic. The sun has gone bad, I repeat, the sun has gone bad.

That is a guy who's never seen black people. If anybody ever hacked or figured out my social security number, I would be screwed because they would know my password to literally everything. In high school, Redband was so racist. likely to secede. Yeah, from the union. During school photos, they'd be like, Red Band, you can't wear that hood.

Okay, that's my time, Toad. Wow. Very interesting set. Accusing Red Band of racism when he was younger, that's an odd different maneuver. We've never seen this before. It makes sense. I had never seen his yearbook picture before.

I actually got his yearbook from his mom. His mom sent me a bunch of shit in the mail we're pin pals. Does his mom send you a lot of things? Yeah, I mean all kinds of stuff, but yeah, she did send me his old yearbooks and it was, because normally it's most likely

to succeed. Right, yeah, they said succeed and he's wearing his fucking Stars and Bar Shirt. It was really weird. I get it, he's in Ohio or whatever, but yeah, it seemed pretty racist. Wow. William, are you ever racist? What do you

you think about other people? No, oh my gosh. I try to take people as they are, Tony. I try to, I try to, but I'll be honest, though. Somebody I can be racist against those other red-headed people. Every now and again, I like to, I generally like to be the only red-headed person. You stop this up again? You start some shit with me once again?

I mean, Tony's asking me what I feel racist against. I do feel racist against other red-headed people. I love you, we got to stick together. We got to do something for the community. Yeah, but I want to be the only one when I'm in a room. I want to be the only red-headed fucking person when I'm in a room. You don't feel that way?

I don't care about it. That's weird. Is it? Yeah. We don't get any special powers or strengths. There's no red-headed advocacy group out there trying to get us an Oscar. Sounds like William.

We require more anesthesia. That seems like a superpower to me, James. Is that true? Have you known that you had to use anesthesia? Only the women. It's a fun... It's only the women. What?

Red-headed women need more anesthesia. They don't really understand why. It's not fun and it's not funny, so I didn't really want to talk about it. But that happens to be a fact. It's like Mexicans not getting knocked out or, you know, black guy's doing a marathon. That's true.

There are certain anomalies with different skins and colors and blood types. I will say I once was under anesthetic for my adult circumcision and it was the best day of my life. How old were you during this circumcision? I was 30 and I... You were 30 years old?

3-0? Yeah. Okay, what happened there? Tell us about this. Have you ever had the rope on a hoodie tied too tight? Yeah. Anyway, we had something like that

sort of develop over the years. The doctors are sure. assured me it was not too much masturbating, but I have to think it was too much. How many days did it take to heal? The circumcision? Yes. Ages. Man, I had to wear a condom in public.

Really? As a leathery exterior developed on the head of my hitherto unexposed penis. I like to lose the whole room, right at the end of the show. That's what I'm all about doing. We've done so well up to this point. Tony, I have a condom on my penis right now. You do?

People do that. Red-headed people walk around. Yeah, brother. Yeah. Wow. What kind of condom is it? Ultra-rived. Wow.

Wow. I can get at the gas station and I... Oh, my goodness. What was the age of your circumcision? Huh? Circumcised at birth or 30? At the... At birth.

Oh, very good. William, you got ultra-ribbed condoms at the gas station? Yeah. There's literally one of my dick. right now. Wow. I kind of don't give a fuck anymore, dude. Jackson and Amy would suck it right off if you just stuck it through that curtain right now.

I'm sure he would. Yeah, I can't believe you got a girl pregnant. What a stupid bitch to let that cake out. It's beautiful. It's beautiful. Get her fucking ass pregnant. That seems stupid. Yeah. What do you think he should name the AIDS baby?

Maybe Dan? Dan could be a good name. William, what else did you get from the gas station? Oh, shit, Tony. I mean, the peanut butter Snickers, you know, I am eating those things, not stop, I'm drinking, uh, you-hooos. You-hoo's not good.

My A-1C's still fucked up, Tony. You're what? My A-1-C's still fucked up. I'm not doing good. Your what is fucking... A1C. What is that? It's something in my blood.

The numbers are messed up still. Nothing I'm doing is working, Tony. Are you going to a, like, a normal doctor? It's a Chinese medicine place. They're the only people that take my insurance. He has his weird-ass fucking Chinese... Why are you going to a Chinese medicine place? It's the only place that takes my insurance right now.

And they jerk... And they jerk you off. You're bad news and a happy ending at the same time. What did they say your A1C is? You have too much hemoglobin or whatever? Yes. Thank you, Redband. Our senior medical correspondent, Brian Redband.

It's a glucose issue. What did you just call it, Rabin? I was just thinking, that was like the stupidest way you could have messed that up. Hemoglobulblin. Hemoglobloblin. It's like, God, am I having a stroke right now? Am I really fucking dying right now? Listening to this idiot person.

I'm going to double read with you right now. My hemoglobin over. Yeah. Our senior medical correspondent. Hemoglobin. Hemoglobin. All right. It's funny because he looked it up and everything.

It's just right there. It's written in big letters. Hemoglobin. He was so close. If only you could read. It's Hobgoblin. The hobgoblin. It's Spider-Man's arch-nemesis, the hemoglobin.

Hemoglobin A1C. Wow. What else did you get from the gas station, William? I got so Twizzlers, Tony! Wow! What else, William? God, so Gatorade! Oh my God.

What flavor gatorade did you get? Lemon ice. No, that's a fake name. I just get scared. When you put me on the spot like this, I get scared. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's great. That's what happens. That's why it's a hit part of the show, William.

It ain't easy. It ain't easy improvising every week. What else did you get from the gas station? Don't look at James. See, sunglasses, Tony! Okay, I'm sweating now, Tony. It's not... It's okay.

Seriously. You got sunglasses? Were they like the athletic kind or normal or like what kind of sunglasses? Like D. Madnesses or John D's perhaps? Were they like Matt Moolings? It looks like D. Madness's glasses are made out of this material that is zapping the bugs. It looks like his glasses can zap the bugs. DeBannis, it looks just like it.

What else did you get from the gas station, William? Um Lotto diggers, Tony! But it's so nice to be here, Tony. William, we love you so much. You are the best. He's done it again. Thank you to Nickton Prize Picks.

How about one more time for the great James McCann, everybody? Go to his YouTube. James Donald, four. and watch the new special Black Israelite on YouTube. Anything else do you want to say, James? I got a new single out on Spotify. I got a new book of poems coming out. I'm doing five things badly.

Wow, incredible James McCann. We love you. Make some noise for Dave Landau, everybody. His book, Party of One, available now on Amazon. He's on tour, Dave Landau.com. It's all happening. and thank you, Dave. Anything else? That's it. Thank you for having me.

Check out my show Normal World. Other than that, thank you all. Dave Landau.com. The drawing from Ryan J.E. Belt is in. It's a perfect drawing of James and Dave. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew over there. Oh, it's Timmy No Breaks, everybody. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land, huh? Red band.

Check out my fake band, Cat Bread, 7 on Spotify, iTunes, and YouTube. We love you guys. Tickets are on sale now for the Moody Center, New Year's Eve. Everybody says they can't get tickets to a kill Tony. Now is everyone's official chance. One of the largest tapings of the show we've ever done and the largest ever in Austin, Texas, only on New Year's Eve this year. We love you guys.

We'll see you there. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's Secret Show every Thursday. Go to sunset strip atx.com for tickets. Thank you.