KILL TONY - #738 - JIMMY CARR + ANDREW SANTINO

Episode Date: October 7, 2025

Jimmy Carr, Andrew Santino, Ari Matti, Kam Patterson, WilliamMontgomery, Hans Kim, D Madness, Michael A. Gonzales, Jon Deas,Matthew Muehling, Joe White, Troy Conrad, Tony Hinchcliffe, BrianRedban - RECORDED– 09/22/2025 Nothing makes you more of a legend than a little Bluechew. Discover your options at https://blueChew.com! Right now, KILL TONY listeners get 35% off unlimited orders, for up to six months! Only at https://nykdpouches.com/TONY with code TONY 4 out of 5 employers who post on ZipRecruiter get a quality candidate within the first day. And right now, you can try it FOR FREE at https://ziprecruiter.com/KILLTONY. Sign up for your one dollar per month trial and start selling today at https://shopify.com/killtony Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Hey, this is Red Band, and you're listening to the Death Squad Podcast Network. This episode of Kill Tony and every episode of Kill Tony can be found at Desquod.tv, Apple, Spotify, and anywhere you get podcasts. Check out Tony Hinchcliff.com for Everything, The Golden Pony, Tony Hinchcliff. You can also check out ShopSquod.tv for Desquod merch, hats, mugs, whatever, shop squad. TV. And now here's a brand new episode of Killed. Tony. Hey, this is Bradman. Come to you live from the Comedy Mothership here in Austin, Texas for a brand new episode

of Kill Tony! Get it for Tony! Hitchland! fucking night of their lives, huh? Ha! Bye! Yippee! Make some nice for Brian Red Band, ladies and gentlemen.

Oh shit. Oh, shit. And how about one more time for the best damn band in all the land, huh? Fernando Castillo, Raoul, Balejo, Carlos Sosa on the horns. The great Michael Gonzalez on the drums. Yes. Matt Mueling on the electric guitar.

The great John Dees on the keys. That is D. Madness Live in the Flesh. And how about one more time? Joining us tonight, how exciting is this? The great and powerful Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Hell yeah. It is happening. Love and Fear at the Sphere in Las Vegas, set for December 2025 and January 2026.

And the new album, Love and Fear, releases Night 1 of their Sphere performances. That's Friday, December 5th. One more time for Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen. Joining us all night, we're going to have some fun. Fucking welcome to the chaos, Zach. I love it. We're going to have a blast tonight, people. This is an unbelievable show we have set up for you.

How many of you have been fans for a long time? Make some noise if you live in Austin, Texas. Texas. Make some noise if you live somewhere else and flew in because you were able to get tickets to this show. Unbelievable. Before we get started, here's a little bit more from the amazing sponsors that made it all possible. Guys, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. You know, I have a hard time when Heidi's around because I'm zipping around on Blue Chew. And it's not just a tablet. It's a cheat code for your crotch. Stronger, harder, longer lasting, like someone gave your downstairs a pep talk. Discover your options at bluechew.com and we've got a special deal for our listeners. As always, get your first month of Bluetooth for rate. Just use promo code Tony at checkout and pay five bucks for shipping.

That's it. Join Bluechew's mission to upgrade humanity one thrust at a time. Go to Bluetooth.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to Bluechoo for sponsoring the podcast. All right, ladies, ladies and gentle limbs, it's Trixing Katia here from The Ball and the Beautiful. And today we're talking about Audible. If you know anything about Katia and I, you know that we are, lovers of romance, paramours, superiors, if you will.

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Wow, I mean, we got an episode, sponsored by Talk Space. We got Zach Brown. We got the best damn band in the land. Every single week, I book two of the funniest people in the world. This week, holy shit. Top, tippity, tippity top, as good as it fucking gets. Ladies and gentlemen, the return of Andrew Santino and Jimmy Carl. Yeah, Andrew motherfuckin' Santino is back.

Jimmy Carr, one of the frontrunners for guests of the year. Jimmy Carr is back. Santino is back. White noise is on Hulu. He's on tour, Andrewsantino.com. Jimmy Carr, one of the nominees, 2025 guest of the year. the year is back. Stip competition, Rob Schneider,

Carrot Top, you, James McCann, it's fucking crazy runnings, and you are back and in it looking better than ever. Me and you, often confused for two ventriloquist dummies. And here we are working together.

Working together. It's Goosebumps meets Toy Story. Welcome back, Jimmy. Jimmy Car.com. He's on tour all over the world. New Zealand, the entire world, Jimmycar.com. How you done, Jimmy? I'm having a great time.

I'm very, very pleased to be here. Kind of excited about this. Yes, me too. Nice to be helping young talent. Absolutely. Andrew Santino, it has been way too long of a goddamn time. It's been a long time. It's going to be back.

Hello, Mothership. Great to be here. Starting together. 18 years ago, we were doing stand-up together all over Los Angeles. We started together. Back when you were in your 50s. Hey, hey. You fucking walking mummy. All right.

Shoot at me, James. Ooh, a little chemistry here. I like it. He started shit. It's a little fucking salt and cinnamon over here. Hello. Don't. And, yeah, so, Andrew, it's been so long that you've been on the show

that maybe I should remind you that over 300 human souls signed up for the opportunity. to get into tonight's bucket. It is absolutely incredible. If I pull their name out, they get 60 seconds uninterrupted. You know their time is up and you have the sound of a kitten. That means they have to wrap it up then or else they bring out the angry West Hollywood bear, which rudely interrupts them.

And then I conduct an interview. We have some fun. We find out more about them. The whole thing is improvised. Anything can happen. I'm going to let one of the members of the world's palest couple that I've ever seen in my entire life. You guys make Andrew Santino look like a Dominican Yankee player. I mean, look at the lack of color on these people.

It is incredible. I think they might be ghosts. Yeah. This is fucking crazy. Are you a couple? Yeah, that's unfortunate. If you guys make a baby, it's just gonna look like a cup of cum. Some of the powerful humor that you're in for tonight.

If you come on her tits, does it just look like nothing? Let's try. Let's see it. You want to see your ghost come, dude. All right, we're going to have a lot of fun tonight. We're going to start it with a golden ticket winner while we go wrangle that. Ghost cum, right. This is the ghost come episode of Kill Tony.

While we go wrangle that bucket pool from the bar next door, as that person finds out that their life has changed and they're about to be on the biggest show in all of comedy. We're going to bring out a golden ticket winner to start off with a brand new. minute. Really, one of the most neurotic young comedians coming up. Ladies and gentlemen, make some noise for the return of Jack Shaw, everybody. Here we go. I got Roadhead. I did it. And that should be illegal. No one should ever have Roadhead, ever. It's the most dangerous thing that's ever happened to me. And if you think texting and driving

is dangerous, try getting your dick sucked. While driving, it is horrifying. And if you ever are offering someone, Roadhead, don't offer them, Roadhead. Because we can't say no to that. It's like offering a Coke addict cocaine. It's like, yeah, of course I want the blow. And that's a pun.

And so, you know, it was happening for me, and we were driving, and it was fantastic, but I'm panicking, because that's what happens when you get Roadhead. because people can see you while you're driving, dude, so you're just sitting there fucking trying to make like you're just driving. And we were driving, and there was a UPS driver

who pulled up next to us, and you know, they have the big mail trucks, dude. And I'm panicking, and I look over at him. And he's looking at me, and he goes, and that's when I learned I come from positive affirmation. No, no. No! No! Don't clap! Stop! Stop, please stop clapping!

Stop! No! By God, he's coming, ladies and gentlemen. I'm gonna cut you off right there, Jack. Welcome, welcome. That was great, Jimmy. Can I ask where your mother was driving you? No. You cannot. Jack, that was fun. That type of bit plays right into your awkward, nervous neurosis.

What are you talking about? I'm like a cool guy. I'm like a cool guy, yeah. Go ahead, Andrew. Yeah, this is, Trump was right, Tylenol during pregnancy. Pause. Trump was fucking right on the money, dude. This is bad.

It's getting really bad. Bits amazing, totally relatable to people that have had Roadhead before. Where was this? Oh, I was on the way back from Yosemite and we were on a big mountain and I think because we were on a big mountain, she was like, oh, suck your dick.

Wow. It's like, yeah. Amazing. Have you ever had Roadhead? Yes. I'll ask you the question. What kind of car were you driving when getting this roadhead?

I was driving my Fiat. my fiat. Oh, my God. It's a tiny little car. Oh, it's a tiny car. It's a tiny car. Wow. Yeah.

Jimmy. It was cramped. All right. Are you a cartoon? You have a very cartoon vibe. Oh, okay. I mean, I love it. Okay.

But you don't feel like a real boy. Have you seen your face? It is... It is... All right. Like, it's totally clear. Actually pretty reasonable. Yeah, yeah.

It's so scary. Jack and Jimmy. The issue, the laugh suits you. Yeah, it does. Yeah. Where did you start laughing like that? I've always had like an inny laugh. Oh.

A weird, inny. I've got a theory on it. I think I must have rubbed the magic lamp at some point. lamp at some point and a magic genie appeared and granted me three wishes and there must have been a mix-up, I lost something lost in translation. Now instead of being hung like a donkey, I laugh like one. Tony, you stay quiet over there. It's just me and Jimmy now. Okay, Jack. Okay, never mind. Very good. Very funny. Sorry, I thought that was going to be so funny. I think I'm being groomed. Yeah. You're being reverse group. Yeah, my bad. The pedophile has become the rubber. Oh, wait, no. I said that

The victim has become the pedophile. There it is. It would have been better the first time, but... All right. Jack, what else is going on in life? Everything good? You know, I've been trying to find ways to deal with my anxiety, and I've been nervous to talk about this, and people in my life don't know about this,

but I've been... I've found a way to deal with it, and I've been jazz scatting. Okay, let's... What you mean? Do you want to do a little jazz scatting for the crowd? I was thinking, I was thinking I could, I think I could jazz scat a little bit. Okay.

Jack's one of those guys that I can really only handle for about five minutes and he is literally at four minutes and 51 seconds on this stage right now and I can just feel it creeping on. Like I kind of get sick of them. It's always great for a minute. Here he is. It's jazz scouting, it's Jack Shaw, everybody.

Bap-to-du-ba-da-da-ba-ba-da-ba-da. La-da-da-ba-dab-dab-dab-a-la-la-da-da-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha. Wow, unbelievably stupid. We're going to check in with our senior music correspondent tonight. Zach Brown, what did you think about that jazz scatting that you just heard right there? I threw up in my mouth a little. Perfect, yes. I think we all did.

We all had a little fun. I feel like I'm in a dream sequence in an episode of Save by the Bell. Yeah. It is true. He does have those creepy vibes. Andrew Santina. Yeah, just once again, the Jews stealing black art live.

Yeah. Once again, dude. It is amazing. I was afraid of that, but I have jazz in my heart and come in my pants. So that's... Okay. Sorry, wow.

All right. All right. Well, you got tonight started for us to show everybody how it goes. Jack Shaw, ladies. Thank you guys so much. And it has begun, everybody. To the bucket we go. This is the bread and butter of the show.

We're truly anything can happen. We meet people together. Sometimes it's a super talent of the future that ends up becoming an arena actor on SNL. Anything can happen. We're finding the next talent. Sometimes it's a completely mentally ill person that thought they could do this easily,

and it turns out life hits hard. Ladies and gentlemen, your first bucket pull of the night is Marvin Izzy, everybody. Marvin Izzy. Y'all good? Hell yeah, man. So I've been out here in Austin

for a couple of months and saw on the news that the reporter said that these two individuals got into a kerfuffle and one of them stabbed the other and murdered them. And that shit made me sad, because, like, 40 years of being on this earth, and I ain't know what kerfuffle meant.

I was looking up, where's a kerfuffle, Texas, on Google and shit. Celebrated 18 years with my wife, which is cool, but my grandparents celebrated, they were 60 years together before they passed away. And I asked her, like, what's your secret for a long relationship like that? My grandmother was like, don't worry, it's not going to happen for you. And I'm like, damn, why not? And she was like, because we've known each other since we were children. And I'm like, that's beautiful. Like, how did y'all even know each other since y'all were kids?

And she was like, because we're cousins. So it's true. We're not, I will never achieve what they achieved. Because I broke up with my cousin years ago. Marvin Izzy. All right. Hell yeah. Welcome back to the show, Marvin.

you've been on before. Yes, sir. How's it going? It's been going great, man. I've been out here living in Austin for nine months, and it's fucking beautiful out here, man. I love it. Right.

How do you make money, Marvin? So I... It's a very good question. I have a day job. I mean, I work for this factory company, just doing assembly work and shit, just handle the inventory. That's right.

What are you putting together in the factory? Just computer parts and stuff. I really can't say too much about it. You made me sign like NDAs and shit. Oh, perfect. Well, then you've already said too much. Yeah. I love it.

Marvin. What you've been doing for fun in life? Other than what, you've been doing, a lot of open mics? Yeah, I've gone out to a couple of mics and stuff. You know, sign up for the mothership every Monday, sign up here every Monday, and like Creek and all the other ones in town that I can get out to. What do you do for fun when you're not doing stand-up? Honestly, I just like to just like to.

chilling my crib, like, you know, just... Chill in your crib. Yeah, just chill in my house, you know. We are like peas in a pot. Yeah. I love to chill in my crib. Indeed, you do. I feel like, is there a drug assist going on here?

Uh, weed. Oh, weed, you're not counting that as a, yes. That's it. Drugs, no. That makes sense. What do you do when you're chilling at the crib? What exactly do you do? I like to, like, have a little drink, sit on my little patio area,

just look at the stars and shit. Look at the stars, look at you. Entertain like a guy in the year 400. I think you're a fucking beautiful human being. Because you came out with like that, yo, yo, deaf, what up, and then now we talk, and you're like, well, I like to sit on the patio. You're like a drug dealer I can take home to mom.

I like you, dude. I am actually polite, you know? Yeah, you are. Yeah, but I am from the hood. Like, where you are from the, where you from? I'm originally from Bronx, New York. Okay. What's the craziest thing you ever saw in the streets of the Bronx?

Oh, shit. I've seen a dude get stabbed over a Heineken bottle. Oh, my God. You know what that's called? They call that a kerfuffle. Yeah. Yeah. Indeed, they do.

Little Puerto Rican payback right there. It's like Freaky Friday. He's being me. Amazing. What did you do when you do? When you saw that, did you try to help the stabbing victim? No, I just screamed, oh, in shock. And I lived right, it happened right across the street from a police station and like, oh, like that. Like, oh, you know.

Is that how you said it? Yeah, something like that. Like, oh, shit, you know, like. That's the type of blood that was pouring out of the innocent victim, it was type O. Yeah, type O, yeah. Why'd I do that? Way to help him.

Yeah, not. And then there was a police station right across street so we looked at them was like yo come help and they told us to call 9-1-1 yeah it's a bureaucracy you have to go to this an order of events there you can't just wave at the police yeah silly I got I got genuine feedback if that's appropriate let's do it you're adorable when you smile like you've got a really lovely smile thank you and yet you came out and he were very kind of that it was quite a harsh kind of tough guy thing I think he laughing a little bit would be good

with your set? I think I was just more focused on it because, you know, my last appearances weren't as cool as this one right now. Definitely not. I remember it's terrible. But I like it when he giggles. It's true. It's kind of funny.

Jimmy's got a point. You can be focused and smile at the same time. Thank you for saying that. Oh, OK-dokey. You do your own thing. I'm sorry. Sorry. There we go.

It's really how someone compliments like my giggle and stuff because someone said I sound like a Puerto Rican Krusty the clown. So I, thank you. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, thank you. Thank you for the opportunity. Really, thank you.

Wow. What an opportunity you've given me. I'm so glad you pulled me out of your fucking bucket tonight so that I can talk on your show. Thank you. What is this tattoo on your farm? What does that say? This is my daughter's name.

It says Leila. That says... Yeah. Can we get a close up on that? Because that does not say fucking Leila. It doesn't. What language is that? It's calligraphy.

And I guess when the princess did her son. I did it when I was like 18 or something shit. It did one say Layla. Now, you know. Did you stab the tattoo artist with a Heineken bottle after that? No, no, I didn't get into any kerfuffles with him. Layla. Like the Clapton song.

What song? Yeah. Yeah. Cultured. Yeah. You don't know Layla. Layla, got me on my knees. Layla.

You don't know that song? It's kind of like if Bad Bunny slowed it down and had rhythm. I don't listen to Bad Bunny either. I didn't know you couldn't sing. Every time you've been on, you had a little joke book? Yeah, and I actually wanted to ask a weird thing. I wanted to trade in my little joke book. And I wanted to see if you guys, somebody here wanted to do something cool.

Oh, boy, this is really your moment, huh? Jesus Christ. Holy shit, bro. You prepared for this more than you. for this more than you did for the fucking minute. It took you 35 seconds to get to the kerfuffle punch line, but here you are. Well, I'd like to stop and

I'd like to do something special. What are you accepting a fucking Emmy Award right now? I think he's going to try and fuck Tony. Yeah, I think so. He wants to shove the joke book up my ass. What's going on? So this will be the second time that I'm doing this. I'm going to cut

my hair off and donate it for, you know, children to get wigs made out of. So I wanted Some kid with cancer out there is going to have a greasy ponytail. You want to cut it off? Oh, okay, great. Wait, what? Andrew's going to cut off the tail here.

I don't want to fucking look at it anymore. I was the whole time. Did you sneak a pair of scissors in here? I hope y'all do. I can't bring any. You got a knife? This guy's got a crazy knife. Wait a second.

What are we doing here? Oh my God. This is how it all ends, everybody. Man, man stabbed with Zach Brown's knife. Kill Tony, Zach Brown, we're all getting canceled at the same time. Joe Rogan's insurance, it's like, oh, you go. Oh my God.

Wow. Unbelievable. All right. That is a fucking knife. That is a powerful knife. That is a powerful knife. This is great. You can add hairdressing to your resume.

It's incredible. It's trying to follow on your footsteps, Dad. It's incredible. Beautiful. This is very healthy hair as well. Why is it still in your hand? Yeah. Well, I realize if I put it down, it will go away.

Oh, it's so disgusting. Get that away from us. Please hand it. No, no, no, no! It's for the cancer cancer cancer. It's almost October. What do you guys want? Where do you want?

Here, you hold it. Give it to that guy. You want a what? I want to trade us in. What the fuck are we gonna do with that? You psycho. You spent too much time staring at the stars.

You keep your little joke book. All right. Keep your little joke book and you've moved up to a medium joke book. There you go. Boom. And the show is the gun with Marvin Isou. Fucking.

There's something disgusting to me about that hair. That hair. Get out of here, Marvin. Go. Jesus. Fucking, just one more thing. I wanted to take the ponytail that I've cut off and change.

Oh, my God. Ladies and gentlemen. Nothing makes me forget about disgusting piles of hair better than the beautiful Heidi is here, ladies and gentlemen. Heidiregina.com or new website.

She has a new podcast with the great Valerie. There's Dandruff all over this table. Very good. Red Band's been waiting. 30 seconds. to get the big dandruff line in there, everyone. If you look back at the video, he's waiting,

he's got the mic up to his mouth to say there's dandruff- I'll stop being polite. That is a compliment, it's not dandruff, it's actual hair. There is small pieces of hair. Guys, this podcast is sponsored by Blue Chew. You know, I have a hard time when Heidi's around because I'm zipping around on Blue Chew

and it's not just a tablet, it's a cheat code for your crotch, stronger, harder, longer lasting, like someone gave your downstairs, a pep talk. Blue Chew is the original brand offering chewable tablets for better sex. Red Band. Tony, I love eating me some Blue Chew.

They're providing the best ED treatment out there. I can carry my Encyclopedia Britannica everywhere I go if you catch my address. Whoa. Wow. That's crazy. Guys, this isn't about performance. This is about Legacy or Third Legacy. Give her group chat something to talk about.

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Go to Bluetooth.com for details and safety info. And big thanks to Bluechoo for sponsoring the podcast. Hello, you guys. It's Heather McDonald and I have a juicy scoop for you on Audible. I've been loving their romance collection. They are a leading creator and provider of premium audio storytelling, and they've got this down. Romance fans are among their most engaged and voracious listeners. So there is nothing guilty about this pleasure.

There's more to imagine when you listen, and they have audiobooks to satisfy every side of you. Audible has modern rom-coms by Lily Chew and Ali Hazelwood, and titles from the Romantasy genre that is going crazy right now, like the ones taking over book talk. We're talking about authors like Devney Perry and Sarah J. Mass. Plus, you can get into classic regency favorites like Pride and Prejudice or all the really steamy stuff. I mean, imagine a dalliance with a Duke or a sexy billionaire. You can find a book boyfriend in the city on a hockey rink or find love in another realm with dragons. When it comes to what romance you're into, you can't be pinned down. So here's your

invitation to have it all. Get your first great love story for free when you sign up for a free 30-day trial at audible.com. You guys ready for your next bucket pool? You get it? Ladies and gentlemen, doing an uninterrupted 60 seconds. It's Justin Tamayo, everybody. Justin Tamayo. So my buddy just came back from his honeymoon trip

in the Virgin Islands. And when he was out there, the tour guide on the boat, he said, if you look just right out there, you can see Epstein's Island. What the fuck? He looked over his wife. He said, yeah, and if you go on the beach, you grab a seashell,

you can hear a kid cry. Yeah, it's fucked up. You all laughed at that, but that's... Yeah, sorry. You got any single people here? Yeah, fuck yeah. I'm doing that online dating, or what I call, I keep getting tricked by fat girls. The worst kind of fat girl on there is the pregnant ones. Because, no, that is not the threesome I want to have.

All right, I'm Justin Tamayo. Thank you guys. Justin Tamayo, everybody. Welcome, Justin. Is this your first time on the show? Absolutely, man. I love it. How long you've been doing stand-up? About two and a half and some change. Where at? Just local, Austin, Anderson Mill Pub. Gotta love that. The open mic, you can get on there. It's hard as shit. Wow. Yeah. I have a feeling it would be so difficult for me to get a chance to perform at the Anderson Pub. Hey, I know somebody. It's so hard to do. Andrew Santina. I love your disdain for fat girls. I think that's great. I really enjoy that kind of belittling of women. I like that, dude. That's good.

Especially because you're in such good shape. I like that. You're like, fuck these fat girls, man. That's cool. Yeah. Fuck them, dude. Right on. Good for you, dude. Rock and roll. How often are you getting tricked by fat girls? How often is this happen? It happens a lot, and I'm sure every guy here can attest to it. What's the trick that they're doing? How do they trick you? What are they doing? Are they using filters on their pictures well it's it's the angles man it's the angles the hair they put the hair and they got the they prop the tithes up there and it's just every guy's like yes swipe and then they're like fuck they see them so you end up out on dates with these people and no nope and then what do you

what how does it go do you end up closing finishing anyway because you're already committed you no i mean what do you do fake a stomachache and go home early that's good that's good actually um no so what i started doing was meeting them at wendy's And I do... Is that true? It is. I do a little drive-by. Oh, man, this happens a lot. It did.

Are you sure you don't want anything? No, I mean, the worst thing, they get a frosty out of it, and everybody's happy, right? Okay, but seriously, though? Like, what's the limit? Like, when do you decide Jimmy Car, you want to jump in on this? Well, yeah, I mean, the fat-shaming thing,

I mean, if you're... Come on, lighten up. And do you not like a larger lady? There's more cushion for the pushing. That's something. Honestly, it's... I have an air mattress topper, and if they're bigger than me,

we just fall in there like a black hole. Oh, this is an insecurity thing, is what this is. No, I just want to be able to fuck, honestly. Oh, okay. I can't fuck when I'm in a black hole. Maybe stop wearing shorts. You're a grown man. Okay.

It's hot out here. Solid advice, I would say. Solving for comfort, I see. I like the Epstein Island thing, you know. Thank you. Yeah. It was good. It was good.

How did you break your nose when you were younger? Fuck. I'm going to guess it was a fat girl. Yeah. Yeah. And I'm going to guess that there's been a lot of fat girls at Wendy's that go to their friends afterwards and go, yeah, this fucking guy had a real crooked nose. It was weird. It was like staring at his face.

It looked good in the pictures because of the angles. but then when we were at Wendy's eating our baconators together with red band across the restaurant from him. I couldn't help but to notice that his nose was crooked as all shit. It was all I could pay attention to and think of. It's a basketball accident or something. I got to tell you, it's the worst time to figure out you've got a crooked nose right now.

Right now? You've never been told this before? Never. Oh, my God. You've never been photographed before? Must be the angle of your mirror, man. Wait till he hears what happened to his mustache. What do you do for work, Justin? This is, I'm a pool guy.

Clean pools. Clean pools. All right. Fat girls, huh? Yeah. Catch some whales in that net. With your little shark fin nose. Fuck, man.

Yeah, dude. It's crooked as a motherfucker, dude. How? Just, can I ask you? So you're on the online dating apps. I'm not really an aficionado. of such things, but how do you describe your body time? I'm finding out right now, probably wrong, and I should have put in the crooked nose part now.

Well, the crooked nose is the least of your worries. Is it? Fuck! Oh, my. I'm talking more about the, what are you? Like a B cup, right? Yeah. I think he has them pushed up a little bit tonight. What do you have in your bio on your dating app? Honestly, I don't online date anymore.

Oh, wow. That was an old joke. Oh, okay. I've been cooking it. I've been loving getting roasted by you guys for it, so it's great. I love it. Oh, you'll be all right. I'll be good, yeah.

We love you. We still love you. Do you do any pool material? There's gotta be a wealth of stories you've acquired cleaning pools, right? Yeah, I mean, there isn't, like, I've been, how I've been diving into, like, where I write my jokes has been, like, piece by piece. peace and I haven't kind of got there yet honestly.

Can I ask a question? Yes, absolutely. Everyone. Is there really a chemical that turns a different color if you pee in the pool? No, no. That doesn't exist. That's, no. Because sometimes I pee in the pool and that's not really an issue, but sometimes I pee into the pool.

That's the problem. We'll get upset with that. Right, of course. There's the splash back. There's no chemical. So unless they catch you, dick in happy. Right, absolutely, yeah. I have a poor question.

I heard, when you smell chlorine, I always thought, wow, they just changed the water or whatever. I heard that's the actual smell of pee in the pool. No. When you smell it, that's the dead... I could have answered that one. The dead pee. Well, the dead chlorine, that's made kills. Right, so that's right.

Well, I get, I mean, if you're just peeing in the pool, that's all you got, then yeah. No, no, no. That means it killed a pee. No, no, no. That's not what that means. I know. Well, this is... If I put chlorine, if you put chlorine in the pool, then...

it smells like chlorine. Doesn't mean someone pissed. Chlorine smells like chlorine. Piss smells like piss. I heard it. Somebody told me. I think you should write some bullshit. Science, everybody. We've got fucking Anthony Fauci over here trying to fudge the numbers. Our studies show that

our studies show that if you smell chlorine, it's actually piss. By our own research, done by the pharmaceutical companies themselves. All right. Justin, what's the what is the crazy The easiest thing you've ever found cleaning a pool?

Ooh, I found two baby dears. Wow, I thought, thank God you said dears. Because I just thought you were going to end with two babies. It was going to be the same thing, you just... Okay. How big were the dears? Was this around Christmas time? Was it perhaps?

Well, no, I was just after like a gnarly rainstorm, so the pool got super high, and they couldn't tell when it was nighttime. They just walked in there. The pool got high. Right, yeah, it got super... The pool went above the level of the water. The level of the water? Well, no, the water level kind of just went level

and they couldn't tell. It went level. Right. You know, like a pool. Right. So, okay. Trying to reel all this. Red band's trying to prove to me that the smell of chlorine is actually pee.

He's asking A.I. But the question he asked is, smell of chlorine is actually pee. When you ask it a certain way, it's going to be like, well, yes. Read it. The sharp pool smell is not pure chlorine, but but rather chloramines, a product created when chlorine reacts with the nitrogen containing substances found in urine, sweat, and other bodily fluids.

High levels of these... Get your cigarette away from me. High levels of these chloramines indicate that there's a significant amount of bodily waste in the pool and that the chlorine is being used up fighting these contaminants rather than killing harmful bacteria. What does it say at the bottom there? No fat chicks.

Who wrote it? It is amazing. There's also a postmate's order that's halfway filled. His shopping cart is filled. Justin Tamayo, congratulations. you're leaving here, also with a medium joke book. Congratulations. There he goes, Justin Tamayo, ladies and gentlemen.

On to the next one we go. Ladies and gentlemen, your next bucket pool goes by the name of Jesse Vasquez, everyone. Jesse Vasquez. Hello, everybody. What's going on? All right, well, kill Tony. Hi. All right, AR-15, bulletproof vest, pistol, and bullets.

What do we call those? school supplies. All right, all right, all right. Thank you, thank you. All right, speaking to shootings, we lost Charlie Clark recently. I never met the guy, but I hear he's a real pain in the neck. Oh, I'm sorry, guys.

I'm sorry. I figure if I bomb hard enough Trump will tweet about it, all right. All right, all right. I get told I look like I'm going to kill somebody a lot. I feel like I'm probably the reason women like serial killer documentaries. Oh, I'm nervous as fuck, guys. Appreciate it. All right, all right, all right.

I already said that. All right. How do you come on a senator? You fill a bust a nut on her. No? All right, all right. I'm thinking of having a not-tying seminar for suicide survivors. Second time's a charm.

Right? No, too dark. All right, guys. All right, last thing real quick. Most girls don't know. They're stopping you there, Jesse. I'm going to jump in, too. Oh, yeah, that's enough.

Hi, Jesse. Have you ever done stand-up before? Yes, I have. I'm nervous as fuck, Tony. Okay. Why? Why are you extra nervous right now? I'm going to kill Tony.

Right? I've performed in print of maybe about 15 people who's the most so far. Okay, how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy? You memorize none of your jokes. You're not even good at reading your jokes off of the paper that you prepared. Like, literally anybody could do what you just did. Yes, they can.

Especially making fun of Charlie Clark. Everybody. Most famous guy in the world right now. You've got his name 50% correct. Did I fuck it up? My bad. Yeah, you fucked it all up, buddy. Yes, sir. Ficked it all up.

So, again, how many times have you attempted stand-up comedy? I've been in Austin for about two months. I'd say maybe twice a week so far. Twice a week. Yeah. Okay. Yes, sir. How's it been going?

Do you always read right off the paper like that? No, I don't. I just, I wrote it down and I'm fucking, I knew I was in a blank soon as I got up here, man. What do you do? Take a guess. I bet you get it on the first shot. I bet I don't. Okay.

I do delivery drivers. I do a delivery. I do door dash. Okay. I do security at ACL next month. How old are you? 36. And why is it that you're just delivering things?

Have you not gotten good at anything? Prison? Okay. Let's talk about it. Why'd you go to prison? Now I'll engage. Yeah. Finally.

Yeah, obviously I went to prison. I'm pretty sure all I can tell. This is what you're good at talking about. Look how different is body language. Okay. All right, starts moving. The nervousness is gone. I feel like this is your thing.

You're the prison guy. Tell us about it. I'll take it. Yeah, well, first time I went to prison a year and a half for weed. Okay. It's about 100 pounds of weed. And then, uh, the second, the second. 100 pounds of weed.

I'll stop you there. A hundred pounds of weed. That's a me's worth of weed. That's just one time. It's at 33 pounds and another time with 40 pounds. Oh, my goodness. You got 33 and 40, and that's 100. No, no, no, no, three separate times.

100. You have more extra pounds than Justin Tamayo's dates. And then the second time I got caught, well, it was a conspiracy. It was 57 illegals were being transported. Keep going. Go ahead. I rented the guy the U-Haul that took a bunch of illegal somewhere. You ran into the guy.

You rented. You rented the guy the U-Haul. the U-Haul. I heard that U-Haul had that business. Yes. Don't they rent the U-Hauls? I rented it for him. You rented it for him? Through U-Haul.

And then he went and got caught with 30 people in the back and then... It sounds very much like you were the guy. Yeah. It really does. I don't want to give you a hard time. I got receipts. So how much did the guy pay you to rent the car for them to run this extremely illegal operation?

operation. How much money did you have... Like, 1,500 bucks? $1,500. And how long did you do in jail? Three and a half years. Wow. Oh, shit. Hey, $1,500 worth it.

It's like an iPhone. Yeah. Yeah. Three and a half years. And those are the two times. Those are the only two times you've been to jail? To prison. Okay.

I've been to jail lots of times. Okay, tell us about some of the times you've been to jail. Um, got caught with you. with smaller amounts of marijuana. It's pretty much it. A lot of weed or tickets. At any point when you were in jail, was marijuana legalized in America?

No, thank you. That must be an annoying day. I'd be very upset. But there was plenty of marijuana in the jail, so that helps. Was it all in Texas, all these things? Yes, sir. Okay.

Jesse, do you know what a fall guy is? Me. Yeah. See how he knows the terminology? He knows only prison shit. When you look at your face, I could tell the guys we're like, Jesse's going to take the hit for sure. Oh, yeah.

Like, this guy definitely gets busted 100%. Yeah. Jesse, tell us, what was it like in prison? Tell us some of the tricks that you would do to pass the time or survive. Would you make a little like cassidia out of Doritos, like crumbled up crumb cakes or something? It's funny that you say that, Tony. That happens a lot in there. I actually would just buy, like, I had my own store.

Just buy shit and resell it with stamps. Stamps is money in prison, guys, dollar stamps. Oh, okay, good. Yeah, so you walk around with a fat stack of stamps. I'm going to shove a bunch of stamps up my ass if I ever get sent to prison. Yeah. Stampos.com. I got to say something.

I said this to the other guy, too. Your materials should be about prison. Yeah. I mean, every, that's such a wealth of, like, it's not relatable, but it's fun to hear. It'll be funny, yeah. Yeah. I want to know, like, did you, were you a bitch? Were you a bitch?

No. He was a bitch. Well, I know, in terms. I got kind of lucky that I'm not... He was a good-looking guy. Huh? What? Keep going.

Keep answering your question. Go ahead. I feel like I just look scary. I get told, like I'm serious about that. People come up to me and tell me I look like I want to kill people, but why would you go say that to somebody? Yeah, no, it's true. It kind of makes you want to kill somebody, doesn't it?

Exactly. Yeah. Thank you. But you would never. People that have been to prison multiple times never do anything like that. Never. Never. But yeah, you do have the eyes of the last person someone sees.

without a doubt. The trunk opens for just a moment. You see those eyes, and then it's just darkness. He's got a tattoo that says, please stop, don't. I feel like, you look at me, you don't know if I'm going to fuck you or I'm going to kill you. Either way I'm coming.

Yeah, okay. Very good. See, there's a good one. All right, there you go, Jesse. I feel like it's definitely both, and it's what order. Oh, yeah. Well, I personally, I hope he kills me first. The other part of that is that.

He does whatever he's going to do. I think we're all in agreement you should write a set about being in prison That's interesting thing No doubt about it. I will. The edgy jokes You've got to be so fucking good at comedy Before you take on material

That's that heavy Don't do it until you're ready to do it The squeeze has to be The juice has to be worth the squeeze, right? You've got nothing there Leave that stuff alone Just talk about you, first person Yeah

Hell yeah No doubt about it Let me ask you this Did anyone ever try to rape you in prison No, no. With any close calls? No, no. Okay, so did you just use your imagination and, like, masturbate?

They're like, what did you do? Oh, they got plenty of, uh... So, there's guys in there, okay, I meant... Just jerking off to a stamp George Washington. Just like, oh, yeah. So, yeah. More like Babraham, Lincoln, am I right? It's just, dude's hot.

It's kind of neat because... So there's people that have been in there for a long time. I met a guy that went into prison the month I was born. And just saying that... Right, man, come on. Hey, hey, this is great. He got to meet he's dad. Yeah.

There's a lot of vintage porn in the prisons because they don't allow porn anymore, but they used to. So there's a lot of like 80s and 90s, like, you know, magazines and shit like that. So you get a little blast from the past, you know? Hell yeah. Yeah.

Not the first time you've seen 100 pounds of bush. Mm. Were you, were you bummed? Were you bummed that you never got picked? That no one ever wanted to rape me? I never got picked. I never got picked on Kill Tony. I can't get picked...

No, you bummed that no one in prison wanted you. Well, you bummed. Well, that that kind of... It's like everybody wants to... You don't want to be picked last, you know? I'll take what I can get. All right. Well, good news.

What you're getting is the size of a stamp. Hey! It's a little chope. There you go, buddy. If you only caught books as well as you catch charges. Yes. There he goes. Jesse Vasquez, ladies and gentlemen.

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But great interviews. Make some noise fear next one. It's Paul Ramirez, everybody. Bucketool number four. So I just got told I looked like a Pokemon train with a fentanyl addiction. Hell yeah, dude. I suck the Pikachu from dick, you know? All right, that sucked.

Hell yeah, I just graduated high school about a year ago today, and I found out in the news I'm my old high school teacher. He got arrested for training in A's in exchange for sex, which was a news. to me because I was a straight-A student back in high school. He taught me a valuable lesson, though.

One lesson he taught me was that sometimes in life he got to give head to get ahead, you know? High school was weird for me. I went to high school during the era of school shootings, you know? And my school came up with a program to prevent school shootings. My school came up a program where we'd be nice to the kid who we thought was most likely to shoot up the school, you know? Which benefited me because it made me Mr. Poplar back in high school.

I don't know why I was going to shoot the school. I was too busy sucking my teacher off, you know? Thank you. Paul Ramirez with his kiltony debut. How old are you, Paul? Scared. What? Scared.

How old are you, Paul? Oh, my bad. 22. Hold on. What did you think I said? How are you? Oh, I love it. Okay, and you were in high school

until you were 21? Why? How? How did this happen, Paul? I don't know, I'm gay. All right, all right. Okay, what did that have to do with it? I don't know, man.

Okay. I ran out of things to say. It's okay, Paul. Just think of the real answers. You don't have to, like, have a joke prepared for everything. I'm trying too hard. Don't do that. Just answer, honestly, Paul.

You're doing good, buddy. Don't worry. You're panicking. I am. It's okay. Paul, close your eyes, Paul. Yeah. Think, no, keep your eyes closed.

Close your eyes, Paul. It's okay, trust us. Remember who you are. Know who you are. You're Paul. You came here tonight with some pretty good jokes. They did pretty good, huh, Paul? Do you feel good?

Yeah. Now open your eyes. Here we are, Paul. Welcome to Kill Tony. Yeah. Paul. Ramirez. Where are you from, Paul?

Where are you from, Paul? El Paso. Okay. How long have you been in Austin? Two days. I love it. How long you stay in for? I leave tomorrow.

Okay. And what else are your plans in Austin, or what have you done since being here? I drank a bunch of beer at the hotel room. Okay. Today? Is that today? Yeah. All right.

How many beers did you have? Like four. Oh, my goodness. Four beers. Did you have any drinks at the bar next door? No, it's too expensive. Okay. It's like 20 bucks for two drinks.

Well, where did you get the four beers at your hotel room? Oh, Circle K. Okay. How many beers did you buy? Four? I bought a 12-pack, but I split it between my friends. Okay, you're staying in a hotel with friends. Yeah. How many guys are in this hotel room?

Oh, dude, like three and one girl. Wow, amazing. Two beds? Yeah, I sleep on the floor. Okay. Wow. Kind of odd to be a gay guy that sleeps on a floor with a bunch of Yeah, man, it's fucking sick. I creep up on them at night. Hell yeah.

All right. That poor girl. Yeah, exactly. Nah, she just watches. All right. Like I said, that poor girl. Yeah. What do you do for work in El Paso?

Landscaping. I'm a spic. Wow. All right. Paul, close your eyes again, dude. Good God. Take it easy, Paul. Yeah. Oh, my God.

Wild boy, Paul. Bad boy, Paul. How long have you been in stand-up? I hit four years yesterday. Wow, so you really did start when you were 18. Yeah. Okay, and you're just still doing the high school joke because that's the one you're used to.

Yeah, it's my best shit. Yeah, okay. Everything else is shit. Yeah. I'm gonna get, it is good. That joke was good. You like it? I think it was a good little run of joke.

Beyond being genuine, it was a great little, you had a good, it was really good. It was really good. It all tied together. very good. Thank you, man. Yeah. I like your shit too. Thank you. I think you're... No. This guy's the fucking man. Yeah, I was going to say... I love this guy. I love you, Paul. I think you're funnier than your material is. You seem naturally funny when you don't try to just immediately go like, oh, I'm gay or blah blah blah blah. Yeah, I got scared. My bad. Okay, it's all right.

You're comfortable now. Take your hands out of your pockets. Relax a little bit. Paul. What's your family like? You have a big family? My mom's fat. Wow. Why do you think your mom's fat? We got a bucket pull for her. I'm sorry?

Why do you think your mom's so fat? I saw her. Right, but what do you think she's doing to be fat? Tonight. Yeah. Did you? Not exactly the answer I was looking for, by the way. I bet.

I was asking something she eats or something like that. Jimmy Carr, go ahead. Did your fat mom ever fuck the pool guy? No, we don't have a pool, just dirt. I live in El Paso. That's true. No pools in El Paso. No, there's pools in El Paso.

We just don't got one. We got grass, yeah. You seem terrific. I love you, man. Yeah. You seem just kind of terrific, but I think that thing about going, so you're a gay guy, very straight acting, right?

I'm not straight. No, no, but you'll... That was stuck, my bet. So, that thing of light going, when did you come out? Jesus. Huh? When did you come out? 2003.

Oh, oh, as gay. He answers questions in such an odd way. What did you eat for breakfast? Well, I've eaten everything for breakfast that I've ever tried for every breakfast. Yeah, but it was literal. He said, when did you come out as gay? He said 2003. When he was born into the world.

That's the last vagina he was in. That's right. That's right. Never again, he said, never again. Yuck! Are you really gay? Is this a bit? No, dude, I just say that when I'm nervous. Okay.

Jesus. I hope this guy never goes to prison. Yeah. I was just nervous. Wow. Unbelievable. I think there's something of the balushies about his eyes. There's something about your eyes that's very balushi.

And I mean that. You're kind of adorable. Thank you. Kind of adorable, right? He's very likable. Yeah. Yeah, I like him. No doubt about it. Hell yeah.

Still doing jokes about how he was in high school a year ago. It's incredible. I'm gay. There you go. Catchphrase, ladies and gentlemen. It's never going to get old. Yeah. I like that. Sweet. Put it on merch. You have merch that says I'm gay?

No, I have merch about my mom's cock. Your mom has a cock? I hope so. Okay, dokey. Again, some people, bad minutes, good interviews, some people good minutes, bad interviews. The good news is you're the first person leaving with a big joke book. Yeah! There you go, it's Paul Ramirez. Wow.

Amazing. Amazing. Let's get through another one here. Mix some noise for your next bucket pool, who seems to be the first non-Latino of the night. Four in a row. These people, thank you Joe Biden for letting these people in.

All right. Mixed noise to be your first non-Latino bucket pool of the night. Chris Rees, everybody. Chris Rees. Oh, he might be Latino too. Chris Reese, everyone. I hate to disappoint you guys, but I am half Mexican. I just got born with that white skin, thank God.

Staying in this country. I've been going through a rough patch sexually, sir. So your relationship pisses me off. I have. I've been going through a rough patch, sexually. So, naturally, I have to get really good at masturbating. You good at masturbating? Asian man, are you good at masturbating? How do you masturbate?

Just two chopsticks on the shaft, off and down? No, I'm really good. I got a really good method for masturbating. I go on my phone, and I text all my contacts. I'm going to kill myself. Shove it up my ass and ignore the calls while I jerk off. Yeah, fuck yeah. My mom's frantically calling, and I'm ignoring her.

There you go. Okay, Chris Reese. Honestly, after seeing that, I'm really surprised people are trying to stop you from killing yourself. Yeah. The crowdwork on the Asian man, and then straight into a vibrating phone up your ass. Welcome back, Chris.

It's been a while. Yes, sir. Hell yeah. How long have you been doing stand-up now? Eight years. Eight years. And what do you do for work again? I've been recently, I've been, I built circuit boards.

Okay. Yeah, this guy's my manager. Right. That guy's not even Asian. Yeah. You're not Asian? Yeah, okay, then I'm right. Not good enough.

Yeah. Not good enough. I don't know if you've seen Bobby Lee, but he's used to Asian as all fuck all. You're not registering as 50%. He's used to fucking. I like full, dude. I build circuit boards. Okay.

What do you do for fun? What do I do for fun? Mainly, I just watch a lot of horror movies when I'm not doing stand-up. I do coloring books. Wow. Horror movies and coloring books. Amazing.

Like spaghetti and meatballs. They go together. So, favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie? Favorite coloring book, favorite horror movie? Yeah. Favorite horror movie, the thing? The original?

Uh, the 80s one. Yeah, that's the original. No. Yeah. There's one from the 50s. Whoa. Oh, shit. Whoa.

Excellent. Okay. Don't come at me with that shit. Oh. No, I love it. I love it. I love that. A coloring book?

It's a horror. It's called like dark arts. Like, really detailed stuff. Like horror stuff. Okay. The original one. Wow. I just, on behalf of everyone that you went to high school with,

thank you for not shooting the place. Oh. Yep. With insulin, am I right? Chris, how is your health? When's the last time you've seen a doctor? Last time I saw a doctor, I must have been 12. Amazing.

So I'm assuming it's fine. This rough patch that you're in dating-wise, what exactly do you mean? How is it in real life? Is it true? Dating, like, serious relationships, yes, I don't do that, But when it comes to, like, fucking women that look like me, yeah, I'm crushing it. Has there been, yeah, has there been a guy, has there been a guy that invites you to Wendy's and then drives off when he sees you?

A guy that invites me to Wendy's and drives off? No, he's not there. Have you used that joke on stage fucking women that look like me? Yeah, like once. Keep that in. Thank you. That's a very good joke. Thank you.

Yeah. With that hair and that face and those tits, it'll work every time. It's amazing. Chris, what's the most type of exercise type of thing that you do? The stairway up counts as an answer. The most exercise I do? Yeah. I walk to 7-Eleven.

What do you get from 7-Eleven after you put in the hard work of walking there? Tequitos. Yeah. Yeah. When I walk them off, going back home. Tequitos? No. No, you don't.

No. No, you do not. You're right. I'm lying. I take an Uber back. Amazing. Can I cut your hair off? No.

No, no. It's kind of my thing now. You want to give me a haircut during the show? Yeah, I cut some other guy's fucking hair off. Oh, really? You want to donate your shit to sick kids, or are you going to be a bad guy? Do I want to donate my hair to sick kids? Of course not.

Okay. I'm going to know which ones to stay away from. He is a sick kid. He needs it. He's going to end up getting it. the Puerto Rican's hatchet air. I think we should take it up again and circumcise him. Let's do it.

You want your little tequitos? He's not saying no. I didn't understand this accent. I don't have an accent. This is how things sound when they're pronounced properly. Chris, here he goes. You have any special skills or talents or anything like that other than stand-up comedy?

You good at anything? I'm a real, fuck. I'm really good at coloring books. Wow. I think we all are, except for D-Madness. No, I... Did they have, like, braille coloring? I guess it would be stupid, right?

Because you're like, which one's fucking red? I am right, okay, thank you. My oddest skill is... My oddest skill is I'm really good at guessing, like, the twist of movies. Oh. So just really useless shit. Right.

What's a movie that really surprised you? What do you think the best twist in movie history is? Best twist in movie history? Yeah. You seem like a big fan of the umbalumpas being good guys or something. Oh, were they good guys? Yeah. It's a movie called Severance that has a really good twist.

None of you guys know it, but it's a really good twist. Watch it. Yeah, it's kind of like the original thing from the 50s. Yeah, cool. All right. What joke book did you get last time you were on, Chris? The big one. Well, there you go.

Did you fill it up yet? No. There you go. Keep working, Chris. Keep working. Ontario. The wait is over. The gold standard of online casinos has arrived.

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that you're never going to forget for as long as you live because you are at Kiltony and I'm about to bring to the stage one of the greatest regulars in the history of the show. We've dealt with nothing but Latino bucket pools all night and the neurotic Jew Jack Shaw. Everything is about to change as I bring up the absolute King of Europe, the Estonian assassin. This is our imagine.

So I just found out that in Chess, you know chess? In chess, they have a separate league for women. Why? In basketball it makes sense. I'm gonna jump over you. In boxing, I get it. I can just fuck.

But in chess too, huh? So you're telling me it's official. You guys are stupid too, huh? Don't worry, honey cheeks, I looked into it. It has nothing to do with intelligence. Just that the rules are a bit different. No difficult buttons, no bishops, no knights. bishops, no knights.

As a matter of fact, women, close your ears for a second. Guys, they're just playing checkers. You know, in the late 90s, Gary Kasparov, the greatest chess player of our all time, lost to a computer, B! Development in civilization history. With women, it happened in 1973. You guys lost to a microwave.

That's my time. Thank you so much. All right, Maddie. Showing the difference between a regular and a bucket pool and a golden ticket winner. An absolute fucking... That's hilarious. The last one was kind of stupid.

I don't know why I said that. So funny. I should have stopped at the checkers part. I think you had something that. I would go to trans women in sports. I think you could be a chess champion, you're a wig away. Yes, you're a genius. A wig away.

A wig away, a wig away, a wig away, a wig away. You're a chaguerg. A wig, all right. He's got it, Zach Brown's ready. I love it. So Ari, that was an amazing, amazing fucking amazing minute, 12 seconds what else is going on in life it's good to see you back you've been gone for a while we have missed you tremendously yeah thank you so much I mean I did

some gigs it was amazing I did some I did Philadelphia Portland I did Vancouver with you I did Irvine Improv amazing so much fun people are actually coming out it's great always one step ahead of ice always one step ahead of ice don't bring it up Jimmy what are your favorite cities that you've been to what do you love No, Portland was awesome, yeah. I love their homeless, you know. Yeah. They have like the cool, like,

because here it's like they're on crack or some shit. You know, we got... Yeah. Yeah, ours are... In Portland, they got this guy, you know, this guy. Zombie. Yeah. Just so peaceful, dude.

They still got fentany off. It's like an interactive, walking dead experience. But they're so peaceful. I put like an ashtray on one of them. They took the jobs of mimes. That's why you don't see mimes anymore. These motherfuckers are still.

I love it. I love it. And how about Philly? What was Philly like for you? Philadelphia, yeah, they're animals there. It's great, yeah. Half of the room got thrown out there in the show because they just keep fucking boozing and cruising.

Yep. They are party people there. It was awesome, yeah. Yeah. to fight me after the show, it was great. Ooh, what was she mad about the checkers? I didn't even get it. I hit her before I could find out.

I'm an old school guy. Smack! You are the man, R.E. Maddie. You are the man. You know, in Estonia, if you hit their wife, the cop show up and they go, well, what did she do? Los Angeles. You were in LA last week for a long week. Dude, I was

on the road in California with Martin Phillips, too. Shit got... We got hit by an earthquake, dude. Wow. I love the road stories of you and... I know, dude. Never been in an earthquake. I'm freaking the fuck out. I look over at Martin Phillips. He's standing perfectly still.

He synced up. Turns out Martin isn't too shaky, the world is too still. The great R.E. Matt. Unbelievable. Unbelievable. And he does the driving when you guys are on the road. Yeah, I don't have a driver's license. It's crazy. When we get pulled over, we have David Jolly sleeping in the back. Me on the passenger street. Martin is driving. When the cops pull us over, they don't know what the fuck is going on.

They just keep, let us go. But Martin is the best to drive it because he can park. Fucking clunk, clunk, anywhere. We don't give a fuck. I love when he's looking for a parking spot. I'm like, Martin, look at you. Go in the mall. No one's going to say shit, Martin.

I was gonna I was looking for a spot I Holy shit you know the impressions great because deep madness just started freaking out when you did that that was fucking amazing

he's the master judge at vocal impressions that you fucking say you got my ass Sounds like that motherfucker. Beed-lily doop-do-do-do. Wow, and you got to go to the old motherland, the old homeland of ours, the comedy store, a place in which we all are always,

we could just roll right back in there if we wanted to at any point and just take it back over. But we like it here in Austin, just a reminder. And then here, you are thriving. What was the comedy store like for you? Oh, yeah, it's so cool. crazy dude it's such a historic place yeah everyone's so nice there yeah you did a lot of shows yeah

yeah you got passed immediately right i don't think i'm passed no but i do get on stage there and i'm grateful for that too they just let you do spots everywhere yeah absolutely they just haven't called it official yet yeah yeah i mean to be on that wall that's a dream but yeah i'll get to it when i get to it absolutely i'm working about it a lot of immigrants want to make it on that wall yeah and then fucking who camp batterson on s and hell that's crazy yeah Holy fuck. It's happening. Although, so, you know he's not allowed to say the N-word, right?

Like they're gonna beep the N-word. He's gonna sound like a truck backing up, you know what I'm saying? No doubt about it. No doubt about it. Cam's gonna be on fucking weekend update and it's just gonna fucking... It's just gonna... 74 seconds too late? Yeah, not a second too soon.

By the way, same soundboard for 12 and a half years. He's just scanning. Like, oh, God, where is it again? There's five pages of sound effects. 23. Number 23. All right. Ari, you're fucking unbelievable.

You came in and shook the room. Thank you. Thank you, Kill Tony fans. You guys are the best. Jimmy Carter, you love you. Mattie, ladies and gentlemen, the Estonian. Assassin has done it yet again.

And now back to the bucket we go. Somebody's gotta follow that. Make some noise for your next bucket poll. Ladies and gentlemen, it is Aaron West. Make some noise for Aaron, everyone. The opportunity of a lifetime to Aaron West. Howdy, howdy. Hey, thanks.

You know, maybe it's true what they say. Maybe me-maws do know best. Today, my me-mah said, you're going out in that jacket that looks like a giant hairless ball sack. Speaking of ballsacks, do you guys eat at Olive Garden often? Now, folks, the menu at Olive Garden says, take a tour of Italy. Wow.

Who knew you could take a tour of Italy without ever leaving Beaumont, Texas? Now, folks, it's easy to know if your server at the Olive Garden is into incest when they say Things like, when you're here, right here, your family. Hey, Olive Garden, how the fuck you're gonna have unlimited soup and then a limited amount of bathroom stalls? Your Honor, yes, I might have dropped a canole in the urinal.

Not because I wanted to, but let's just say my tour of Italy took a little detour. You guys, you guys like Chewy's text mix? Well, guess what? They just got their asses bought out by Olive Garden, which means I'm going to need to freshen up on my Spanish a little bit. My amigo, Como did he say, incest waiter. All right.

Aaron West, pushing it to the limit with shitting your pants jokes. Hell yeah, Aaron. You've been on this show before, right? I have. Over at the Vulcan. Yeah, welcome back. Remind us all, how long you've been doing stand-up? Yeah, you can take the jacket off.

You already did the ball sack joke. Make yourself. It's hot out there. Totally, totally worth it. I wore it all day, waiting for it. Yeah. Sitting outside. Keep going.

Now, I've been doing comedy. I haven't for eight years, but this is my third time performing in eight years. Wow. Quite the work ethic. Yeah. Take a lot of time off. Yeah. This is, yeah, okay.

Jimmy. I kind of, I thought, terrible material. Nice. Yeah. Fucking incredible performance. Your confidence, your thing? Like, I don't know what you're good at, but there's something there and it's very special. There's something very special.

I couldn't agree more. I mean, it is unbelievable. You seem like I'm interested in what you have to say. You're saying it in a kind of funny way. But again, the writing, absolutely unbelievable. Howdy, Mima, Olive Garden, tour of Italy, shitting in a urinal, and whatever the Chewy's thing was at the end with no transitioner segway. You guys, isn't it, Chewy's text mix? Huh? Anyone?

Out of nowhere, but, like, again, do you try to write? Because, like, Olive Garden Tour of Italy, it's kind of, right? It's a thing. Yeah, I don't know. I guess I just, I write what I know, and I eat a whole lot of Olive Garden. That's the funniest shit you said about Olive Garden. That's fucking, that's very funny. Yeah.

Feels real. I don't know. I think you're a comedic actor. I think you've got a face, you've got a look. Just when you walked out, I felt like, okay, this guy knows what he's doing. I think you're very funny, but I think it's like someone else's writing. I think you could bring it to life. I think you really got something.

Maybe it's not standard, maybe a sketch, maybe it's something else, but there's something very special about you. I really enjoyed it. Thanks. Yeah. You're great. I did bring it up last time, I don't know if it, but yeah. No, I'm four and a half years sober.

So like doing comedy sober, this is my third time ever doing it sober. So it is like really shaky. I was back there like holding a water. a water. But as opposed to the other, they're like, don't to be overly serious about, but you seem so confident walking out. Thanks. You seem like just, you kind of own the stage, you've got great presence.

But it's that thing of like, some people, maybe you need to work with some writers. Maybe you need to work with some other people. Cool. Just like, there's such a great community around Austin. There's such fucking funny people around here. I team up with someone, right? With someone. That's a great idea. No doubt about it. Definitely, whatever it takes to write differently than what you wrote

tonight. What made you have to get sober four years ago? What was your problem? Uh, cocaine and alcohol. Okay. And, uh, is that, is that a good make? He's done it? You and me both. What was the wildest night you ever had on cocaine and alcohol?

Uh, tell us what bottom was like for you. Well, I, um, yeah, I showed up, well, no. Okay. I called out of work and I wake up at 5 p.m. And I, I, I, I call my work. I'm like, oh, my God, I'm so sorry. I'd worked there for years. I'd never, you know, had any issue with attendance.

And my boss goes, yeah, numb nuts. Uh, you already came. came in today. And had you clocked in, we would have fucking fired you. But you were on the line trying to cook something. And so we just told you to get lost. Yeah, I mean, I was a waiter. Like, there's no fucking reason I should have been

on the line in the first place. I'm back there like, wow. Wow, the burger does look good. At the olive garden? No. I'm just a big fan. One day I'll work my way up. If they'll have me.

Oh, wait a second. See, you were so fucked up that you went into work. This is a night shift. Oh, no, no. I'm, like, solely a morning restaurant worker. So it was breakfast. Yeah. Breakfast at the brewery I worked at.

And so you exclusively waited tables at this brewery on an almost daily basis, and one day you went in so fucked up. So fucked up. You went and just started cooking random shit. Did they tell you what you were cooking? Do you remember what you were cooking? Do you remember any of it? I don't remember any.

I mean, I literally woke up at 5.30 and was like, oh, my God. I was supposed to be there at 10.30. Jimmy Carr. Well, the genius of getting home going, I bet a phone in sick, and then you'd already been to work. Yeah. It's, how is that not your fucking stand-up?

That's amazing. It's so true. People need to talk about their real lives, what they actually know. The honesty shines through. You can feel it. So what time of the day did you call in for that shift that they already basically told you to go home for?

Like 5.30. PM? Yeah. Wow. Seven hours into my shift. Yeah. Fucking, amazing. Did you call your drug dealer afterwards ago?

That was excellent stuff. Is there any feedback that you give them and go, honestly, that's some of the best? No, no, I, well, I kept partying for a few years, and I didn't lose that job. I mean, I've actually never been fired from a job. I've walked out of a job. It was actually on 6th Street here.

It's kind of... Yeah, tell us about that. You don't have to name the place if you don't want to, Just go tell us. I don't really care for them. Um, yeah, so, okay, I'll, I'll, I'll, it rhymes with, it doesn't matter for the story. It's a place that makes bread. Okay, perfect.

Just tell the fucking story. And, um, yeah, so I, I just didn't enjoy working there. And mid-shift, they kept, every time it would like start raining, I didn't have this jacket at the time. When it would start raining, um, they would move me to the patio. And when it was nice weather, they would move me inside. And they kept like doing this shit to me, so I wasn't making any money. And this is a place. where you did side work until it was like done but we didn't close till 2 a.m.

and as restaurants work like hey more civil work comes out more civil work comes out so you're like doing all the side work doing all the shit and so mid shift the manager was like hey we're gonna change your section I said yeah I know I quit and she was like what is that I got my section's gonna change because I quit like I'm done and yeah that was it I just I left mid shift and I've never done that anywhere like I didn't feel great about it but I was like fresh out of rehab and didn't want to be fucked around with Stand your ground, good on you. I was once dealing with such a bad hangover one evening

that I asked you to specifically tell that story. So, I mean, I think I actually just hit bottom right now, listening to you, talk about finishing your side work. I was so excited to hear about the job that you walked out of. I thought it was going to be a big, cokey, alcohol-infused ending. But just, no, you just, we're done that day. Me, Mom. I think what Tony's trying to say is you need a story with a dead hooker in it.

Yeah. Read the room. You have a girlfriend, Aaron? I do. Okay. What does she do? She works at a homeopathic doctor's office. Adorable.

Yeah, she's awesome. You have any special moves in the bedroom? Well, I don't get drunk anymore, so my dick works. Wow. You a morning sex guy or more of a nighttime guy? Mid-afternoon. Whoa, okay. Post-lunch or pre-lunch?

Guy, rockets in flight. Cup of coffee and then at lunch or what a- Well, because I get up at 6.30. to do the breakfast restaurant thing. So like, I'm already ready to go. And then I have to wait on the, we're talking to these knuckleheads, and then I can have sex.

Wow. My section changed. Okay. All right. What size joke book did you get last time? I got a large. Okay. Well, you go fill it up.

Thanks. Ladies and gentlemen, Aaron West. All right. Thanks. Air Transat, Seven Time winners, Champions out again! By the Seven Time World's Best Leisure Airline Champions, Air Transat. Your local Benjamin Moore retailer is more than a paint expert. There's someone with paint in their soul.

A six cents honed over decades. And if you have a question about paint, it's almost as if they can read your mind. I sense, you need a two-inch angle brush. for the trim in your family room, Regal selected an eggshell finish, and directions to the post office. Benjamin Moore Paint is only sold at locally owned stores.

Benjamin Moore, see the love. On to the next one, as the great Jay-Z once said. Make some noise for Mason Bird. Here we go. No rest for the Wicked. It's Mason Bird, ladies and gentlemen. It's Mason Bird.

I got in a live scooter the other day. And I drove like two or three feet and the bike stop, so I checked the app. And it was like, hey, just so you know, only one rider per scooter, please. Has anyone ever had to press a button to confirm they were an individual? I know the exact moment I needed to stop riding the bike. I drove by a black woman. She was like, oh, hell, no. I went to Europe, and I saw the Mona Lisa, like the most famous painting of all time.

And when I was there, this Korea couple walked up to me. They're like, hey, can you take a photo of us? And I was like, sure. And I thought they want to take a photo like them and the Mona Lisa. But they want to take a photo with me. They're like, this guy's so fat, white, and American. We have to show our friends back at home, dude. I look like World War III propaganda.

There's photos to me in North Korea. This is democracy. This is freedom. This is McDonald's. Wow. An amazing set from Mason Bird. Holy shit. That was incredible.

Thank you, thank you. And you've been on this show before, right? Yes, sir. Amazing. This had to be your best set ever. Thank you. You're working hard, right? Yes, sir.

Absolutely. And remind us, how long you've been on stand-up? Three years. Three years. How do you make money? I work at Jersey Mikes. Oh, yeah. There it is. Making it Mike's way. There it is. I'm Big Mike. I love it. I love it. What else you've been doing in life? What's different? What's changed? I've been going to the gym, hitting the sauna. Wow. What are you doing at the gym? Just in weights and making attractive women uncomfortable. Oh, my goodness. Wow.

What are you doing to make them uncomfortable, just existing? Yeah, just the vibe. And what kind of workouts are you doing? What are you doing with these weights exactly? I like to bench, I like to squat, I like to deadlift. I like to get all the anger out. Amazing, yes. I'm not a doctor, but whatever you're doing in the gym, you're doing it wrong.

He's doing breadlifting. What's your favorite machine in the gym? Is it vending? The Gatorades. I like the blue Gatorades. Hell yeah. Absolutely. My goodness.

So what type of a protein package are you using before going to the gym or after? I'll eat like a half a roast rotissory chicken. Eat the other half after. It's like a reward. Have you talked to a doctor about this?

Oh, me a doctor's don't see eye to eye a lot of things. Amazing, Mason. You're killing it. You're doing it, Mason. You done that line on stage? No. Write it down.

That's a fucking great line there. Tell us more about the bird family. You're not built like a bird at all. No. Dad died, throws through the liver, drank himself to death, real sad. But, you know, he was a bit. He was kind of a dick, so he was...

Wow. Um, mom, uh, still alive. Um, she was addicted to drugs for a long time, but she cleaned up and, uh, what kind of drugs was she addicted to? Uh, pills, like, yeah, worked at Ford Motor Company. I happen to all of them, you know? Do you think that this family with its addiction issues, do you think anything has trickled down to you? Do you find yourself addicted to anything at all possibly whatsoever? Is there anything you could think of that you might be addicted to a way that you treat your feelings and emotions with something? calories we're addicted to calories no it's yeah it's

it's probably this or alcoholism so you drink too no I'm afraid to become like my father there you go yeah absolutely yeah you don't want to die young well we'll see I gotta beat 50 and the odds are close

hell yeah have you thought about the new modern weight loss drugs or anything have you thought about this yes I think it's cheating Um, like, if you have to take Ozzympic to lose weight, you're a bitch, I think. That's right. If you just do it, you'll do it. You hear that, you Ozempic people?

If you add any balls, you need a half a rotisserie chicken every day. You fucking pussies. You think it's easy, you cheaters, go get a rotissory chicken. You fucking lose. Back in my day, we didn't have Ozempic. If you wanted to lose weight, you had to get AIDS. Have you considered going to a gay bum? Because something needs to change.

They're all in prep now. It's kind of hard to get AIDS from them, you know? I tried. It's just, huh? Are you gay, Mason? Nope. Oh, okay. Shut up.

Somebody just broke a beer bottle over their head. Someone, someone was so upset that you weren't gay. Son of a bitch. Fuck that. I for sure thought he was gay, too. That guy just stabbed himself with a Heineken bottle. I'm all like, oh, Mason. So what's your love life like exactly?

What's going on over there? You're picking them up at Jersey Mikes? No way, all right. I still do surprisingly well, but the love life in Austin's been pretty rough. I kill in the Midwest, though, for like... In the Midwest, I'm hot. Here, I'm just some fat guy. In the Midwest, you're a medium.

Yeah. So tell us about a fun time in the Midwest that you've had. How does it go down for Mason Bird? Tell us how the bird flies. It's a flightless bird. It's a flightless bird. The last time I had sex, I was like a shirt.

chef at a bar and I had a knack for banging hot waitresses for some reason and just after work she just like she had a boyfriend and she just threw herself at me and I found out I wasn't a good dude that night I will cheat I will help your girlfriend cheat on you I found that out about myself but no she was really fun did you go on top or is she's still alive she's dead yeah our our safe word is Mason Bird. Three years with stand-up. How much time do you think you've accumulated?

About 20 minutes. About 20 minutes. Yeah. And how fast are you writing? I mean, you find yourself your most recent stuff is definitely better than your past stuff, I can tell. Yeah, I try to write like five minutes a week, and sometimes it's really ass,

so I just get rid of it or try to make it better. But 20 minutes are good material. Yeah, amazing, Mason. Yeah. Absolutely incredible. You do that at a desk. Where do you find yourself writing? What's your process?

Desk. Desk, and I'm usually just, like, eating chips and thinking. Desk. I have a recliner. I, like, lean back and stare at the ceiling. Sturdy recliner. I guess, yeah, just kind of just turn everything off and figure it out. Amazing, Mason.

Yeah. I love your style. Thank you. You're incredible. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show Thursday. Mason Bird is going to be. on The Secret Show. How many times have you been on this show?

Three. Three times. Yeah. And you're constantly getting better. It's absolutely incredible. It's amazing, Mason. I really love your style, and I think I want to see more of you.

So I'm going to make you the newest golden ticket winner here. Everyone's getting famous and blowing up. You, my friend. You, my friend, have done it. That's it right there, a golden ticket for Mason Bird, everybody. Big bomb. We'll see your next minute soon, Mason. Congratulations.

Wow, how fun. Let's keep this fun train moving along with another very special treat, everybody. I mean, what can I say about this guy? Kill Tony Hall of Famer. Who, you know, we don't get to see a ton of anymore, but when we do, we do get to see a ton of anymore. do get to see a ton of him.

One of the greatest roasters and comedians in the history of the show here for a surprise poppin. Kill Tony Legend. David Lucas, ladies and done. Yeah. I do a lot of white shit. I hunt, I fish, I swim. I changed the batteries in my smoke detector.

It's so weird to me that black people never hear those fucking smoke detectors. It's like it's fucking soothing to them. You know what I'm saying? I went to one of my friends' house the other day and his smoke detector was beeping. I'm like, nigga, you don't hear that shit? He's like, yeah, that mean it's working.

I'm like, what? I'm like, no the fuck is not. No, but black people, we don't hear that shit. We don't change our fucking. smoke detectors, bro. You ever heard the saying if you want to hide something from a nigga, put it in a book?

I didn't make it. I just repeated it. I don't think that's true. I think if you want to hide something from a nigger, you should put in a smoke detector. Because we never check that shit. The fucking cure for diabetes

is in the fucking smoke detector. All right, that's my time. Take you up. Fuck, yeah. Exactly one minute. Hilarious. That's shit crazy as hell. Jimmy Carr looked like the ghost of Tony Hitchcliffe.

Nigger, that's you two weeks decomposed, bitch. That motherfucker looked like little hobo, nigga. I'll try to see who got the remote to this nigga face. This motherfucker looked like elder Matt Rife. All right, go ahead, Jimmy. Your goosebumps-looking ass. Oh, shit.

Sorry, do you need tea and crumpets? I'm not sure there's anything I could say right now that wouldn't get me canceled. Jimmy said, I'm not one of those kind of black people. I'm the good guy. Well, you can still say, yeah, you can say it. I'm not, I'll take it. I'll take it.

Fucking funny. Thank you, buddy. You look like you read Dr. Seuss, the niggas in prison. What the fuck? One fish, two fish, redfish, bluefish. David Lucas.

I got mine. I don't know what that nigga look like, bro. That nigga looked like he hosts American Idol in Ireland, dicking him. I think he did. I think he actually did.

He hosts like everything on the other side of the planet. Yeah, he hosts like every show in England. You put on a TV in England, it's just what show is Jimmy Car hosting? That nigga need a bag of blood. That motherfucker pail his head, right? You need some of that color from Tony, bitch. You're a, you're a remarkably confident man for a guy that shape. What are you working on type 3 diabetes?

There we go. There we go. I couldn't wait for your tight mouth ass to say something. Every time the nigger talk, I want to shoot a water gun in his mouth. What are you working on? Type 3, diabetes. What do you mean? Not the smoke detector. By the way, he did it three times before you never heard it.

It's red band. Hilarious. I'm a little black. I'm becoming white a little bit, bro. Once you see me dressing like fucking Timu Peewee-Herman, nigga. Oh my God. Whoa, whoa, whoa. We got, no, no, we gotta shut this down now.

neck you're criticizing what someone's wearing yeah the fuck you're talking about goodwill Jimmy I'm sorry you dress like you about to go fight a parking ticket nigger your ass David Lucas I heard I was parked illegally but I walked to see the queen David is out of control right now David wore his comfy pants for this This niggas so confused, because they don't got niggins like that over there. Well, I don't watch with a queen. I'm driven.

I don't park. Oh, yeah. I forgot. You got to insult me. Talk me through the hair. Talk me through what's going on there. It's a lot. So in black America, these are called dreadlocks.

Those are thick. You got on that Queen Diana wig. Queen Diana. What was that bitch name? Master of English history. What was that bitch name? I remember now. What that her name?

I'm trying to remember what that bitch name was. The one who died in the car crash. Oh, Princess Diana. That's her name, Princess Diana. I said, Queen, you probably got confused, because all the bitch is looking like, because y'all inbred. It looks like you're the one that's been in a lot of bread,

David. Going ham tonight, finishing the other half of Mason Bird's rotissory chicken. That's crazy. I had to follow the white version of me, nigger. That's crazy than a motherfucker. I'm like, me and this nigger can swap and be the same person.

Yeah. We did. We went from bird to pig real quick. Amazing. You look like Steve Urkel and Whiteface. All right. What is going on? Were you molested by a British man before this? What happened to you? No, Jimmy Carr's my homie, bro. Not yet.

And they give me that Netflix deal, nigga. I bend over like Tony Hitchcliff. Oh, you son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You son of a bitch. You ain't bending over for shit. This is a guy that ties his shoes fucking sitting up with his leg

propped up over his other leg. The Illuminati didn't have to convince you to fuck you. You was like, yes. I don't even know what you just said. It's okay, it's okay. David, you are on fire right now. Absolutely incredible. Yes.

How's life going? You good? Man, you know, life been amazing, bro. I was on the road with you this weekend, bro. We murdered sold-out shows. Yep. And fucking Riley and Fort Lauderdale, bro. Tony about to shoot his new hour.

That shit is fantastic. I can't wait for y'all to see it. Yep. It's been really amazing, dog, and I love it too much. Absolutely. And also, Andrew Santino had an amazing special on Hula, bro. That's right, it's out right now, white noise.

Thanks, I love you. I just go fuck myself, shall I? I guess I'll just go fuck myself. This thing you got, he got a new 10 can of cookies He's coming out. He's on fire tonight. Sometimes she's got to let him cook. Let him eat.

David Lucas. Hell yeah. Catch me on tour, man. You know what I'm saying? David Luke coming. I appreciate it. Hell yeah. Jesus, fucking Christ, David Lucas.

The regulars tonight showing how different It is. Having to be one of the people that used to write a minute every single week, you just have a, they have a different confidence. All found out of the bucket. This next person could be one. I mean, anything can happen. We've already given away a golden ticket.

Make some noise for Donna Lee, everybody. Donna Lee. Hey, everybody. How we doing? You're good? My name's Donna Lee. I have a very critical Asian mom. My mom is Thai. My dad is Irish, so I'm Tyrish.

I had to tell my parents one day that I was going through a really gnarly divorce. And so my mom was very critical of my life decisions. She was very upset. I was going to be single forever. So one day I'm in the car going to Austin to Houston. And my mom called and she said, Donna, how come you're alone? You're so very, very alone. I worry for you. And I said, why am I alone? Let's unpack that together. I said, I'm alone because you and dad prove the inability to show me love and affection as a child,

and you never uttered the words, I love you. And because of that, I can't meet a man of substance. I can't create lasting connections. And I can't hang on to a relationship for more than a few months at a time because I'm constantly. And we'll always be looking for something that I cannot find, Mom.

That's why I'm alone. Damn, don't know. I just ask why you go to Houston alone. Thank you. That's my minute. Thank you. Boom, exactly a minute from Donna Lee. You've been on this show once before, correct? I was a few months ago, and I have a lot to talk about.

Remind us, how long you've been doing stand-up? I started doing stand-up in 2006, and I had my big comeback. I took five years of stand-up and perfected my hosting abilities. I took 12 years off to raise a family and do a really stressful job. I just came back to comedy May, 24, and I'm so happy to be here right now. This is my dream. Yeah. This is my dream.

Wow. Rock, solid answer. Thank you. Donna, how... So you have one. kid that's 13 or is that 23 oh okay we um 12 years off i i took 12 years off because i felt guilty and i wanted to raise my son and my stepson's and i got a new husband and all the stuff but i put them first but now it's my turn to be first so here i am this is my dream wow

this is my comeback story so and i was on secret show last time and i had so much fun so thank you she brought cupcakes for everybody oh my goodness that's how you get booked again by red band On the spot here. Cupcakes. I'm a mom. You want to be a regular here at the secret show? Your name on the fridge. Wow.

When I was here last time, I didn't know what it meant to be stuck in a washer that you implied. There you go. Absolutely. And I went down the rabbit hole the next day, and I wish I hadn't. So now I know what it means to be stuck in a washer, thanks to Tony Henning. That's right. And a lot of 25-year-old boys reached out to me after that episode. I bet.

I bet they did. They did. Absolutely. So now you're with a guy though. Yes, I'm married. Yes. Right. Yes, he's awesome.

Is he a big supporter of your comedy? Yes, he is. He's very supportive. What does he do? He's a custom home builder here in Austin. Okay. He's doing good for himself. Yeah.

You guys live in Westlake or something like that? Oh, yeah. He builds in Westlake, so that was good. You're living that life. You have a Mercedes. SUV? A sedan. I can look right at you and tell you what kind of car you drive.

It's an unbelievable talent that I have. What type of Asian is your mom? She's Thai. Okay. Yep. Jimmy Carr. And your father's Irish, you said? Tall Irish.

Tall Irish and she's Thai? She's tiny Thai. Okay. From Thailand, yes. Right. And how did your father get into sex tourism? Mm. The Air Force.

The Air Force? Traditional. Yes. I'm a product of this country, correct? No, I was born in Thailand and we got here as fast as we could. Amazing. Amazing. I love.

Irish Air Force. Is that even a thing? No, it's the American Air Force. He was a citizen here. I would like to cover the comments that I got from YouTube. Okay. Is that okay? Can you do it in your mom's accent?

Yeah. Yeah, let's do that. Exactly. Great idea. Well, because that stuff takes me home, you know, that's, it's kind of my thing. Yeah. So I did a lot of posts on my page at donnellycom, and I was on Kill Tony, episode 722. And I went to YouTube when I was told not to to read the comments.

As your Asian mom. As my Asian mom, the first comment that I saw that made me laugh out loud said, Oh, Caitlin Jenna, she looked feminine now. And another one about Caitlin Jenner, said, oh, Caitlin, Jenna, I not know she do stand-up comedy. So, I think it's more funny in American, in English, but... Hell, yeah. I was also called the Timu, Lisa Ann.

Didn't know who that was. Had to go down that rabbit hole. She's a retired porn star, for those of you who don't know. That's where I know you from. Yes. That's right. So do you make money in any way ever? Me, sucky, sucky, sucky.

Oh, my God. Red Bats. Red band. Why would you do that? That is disrespectful. That is not nice. Don't do that. No, don't, don't. No, don't do that. Stop that red band. Stop it. No, don't. No, I'm serious. No, don't. No, I'm serious. No, don't do that. And people say Tony can't act. Don't do it. Wait, who's the fuck says that. I'm a great actor. Stop, no, don't. Don't do it. That's... Crocky.

No, that's a whole different race. Good. Stop! Okay, stop. Seriously. All right, very good. That doesn't make any sense. Do you sucky, sucky?

No. Okay. How do you keep this man happy? This guy could be with anybody. He has money, right? How do you keep your man happy? We laugh a lot. Oh.

Has he met your mom? No. I tried getting stuck in the washer, but I didn't work. Fucking good. Safe word. Has he met your mom? Oh, yeah, of course. Okay.

And what does your mom do? She lives in America, too? She actually passed away a couple of years ago, but in my act, she's still alive because I don't deal with things very well. Oh, no. Oh, no was also her last thing. Now I fear a bad.

It was a... Yoko, oh, no. Me not love you long time. It's over. What the doctor told me, Sucky, Sucky. All right.

How did she pass away? Cancer. Wow. Well, if at first she don't succeed, tie, tie again. It's amazing. There it is. There it is. Believable.

We're here for a good time, not for a long time. Unbelievable. What kind of cancer was it? It's your Tony. This is kill Tony. This ain't fucking Jimmy Kimmel of. And Jimmy Kimmel over here. Whoa.

Whoa. Okay, all right. What kind of cancer was it? It was liver cancer. Liver cancer? Wow. Was she a drinker? No.

Did she sake sake? She did not. You're getting your Asians confused. That's Japanese. That sake-saki joke did not get the love that it deserved. After two sucky-sucky references, This is socky-socky for liver cancer. We love a good liver cancer, Joe.

I did want the opportunity to thank you, though. My life changed after I was on the first time. Yes, well, it's going to change again. Thank you. It's going to change again. You're a funny lady, Donna Lee. Thank you. It's cool to see someone chasing their dreams.

They say this is a young person's game, but I love all different shapes and sizes of people. And for you to come back and do what you love because you love to do it. you love the feeling that you get from it's fucking awesome and you deserve it congratulations you got a big joke book last time I did yes congratulations you know what I have an eight-minute spot on the secret show if you wanted to do it first hey somebody wants more cupcakes red band wants more cupcakes everybody red band wants more cupcakes

Make some noise for Zach Brown hanging out with us back here. One of the best fucking musicians in the world. Go to the sphere. I know I am. You might run into us there. December or January. We're going to be there. All right.

Your final bucket pool of the night goes by the name. This looks like a new name. I like it. Make some noise for Ronnie Roarbeck. Ronnie Roarbeck. Oh, shit. Here we go. Make some noise.

fucking pulled tonight, Rodney Roarback. Guys, I am celebrating nine years of my citizenship. I've lived here for 26 years. I was adopted by white people. I have a disability. My dad got me off a fucking tax write off. No, honestly, like, No, honestly, like, he was an asshole because growing up, he never taught me Spanish,

so that any time I would act out, he would be like, he'd always starting to send me back to the homeland. And, like, he goes, here they call you Ronnie back at home. They would call you Jaguar Bate. And he would always use past tense, so I knew he was serious. And the worst part about it is growing up, like, I never thought my dad was a, I never thought my dad was an alcoholic, but I knew my dad was an alcoholic

because at the age of four, he would make me make his cocktails for him, and he would put the shaker in my bad hand and call it exercise. Thank you, guys. All right, Ronnie Roarback. Welcome to the show, Ronnie. Thank you. You, my friend, I've called a lot of people adorable.

I wish I could take them all back just so that I could save it for you. Thank you. What a cutie pie you are. What's wrong with your hand low, buddy? I have cerebral palsy at my left arm. You are, you have, let me tell you, you have one of the best cases of cerebral palsy I've ever seen.

You should see what are cerebral palsy people fucking like, don't, dog, dog, dog, dog. You're like, ha ha, I just gotta go, hey everybody. I don't know. Cutie, what a cutie pie. That's mint condition. Cerebral palsy's fucking sweet.

I mean, this is one of the cupcakes that she brought to your place. This kid's fucking unbelievable. Tony, if you study the hand, he's giving involuntary finger. Oh, yeah. About once a minute, there's an involuntary. Oh, yeah. Look at that fucking middle finger.

That's a true, fuck you in cursive. This guy says, fuck you in cursive. It's a squiggly fucking little middle finger. I can't imagine what that would feel like in my asshole. But the night is young. Whenever I'm driving, if I flip you all, off of my bad hand, you know I mean it. Oh, hell yeah.

Fuck you. Soldier boy in this motherfucker. Ronnie, how old are you? I'm 27. You are something else. How long you've been doing stand-up? About five years now? Five years now.

Amazing. All of it here in Austin? No, I just moved down here about six months ago. I started in Detroit. Okay, that's where you're originally from, born and raised? No, I was born in Guatemala, and then my parents adapted me and took me to Detroit. Oh, my God, you're adopted?

Yeah. Holy shit. Look at you. You were adopted by a little white family? Yep. Oh, my goodness. That's how you ended up like this. Yep.

Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything. You're what? Explains the NASCAR shirt and everything. Oh, yeah. No, Guatemalans love NASCAR shirts. It's incredible. Amazing. So you're a NASCAR fan?

Oh, yeah. What else are you into, Ronnie? Tell us more about you. For me, like, I'm really into disc golf because it's a one-handed thing. Yeah. Hell yeah. Absolutely.

What else? I grew up playing football, which was, like, a big expectation for my own doing. Uh-huh. A lot of fumbles. They never let me touch the ball. Oh, perfect.

You're a kicker. The only time I would get out is, like, when we were either murdering a team or getting absolutely murdered. Right, right. You're not considered being a mascot. Too short.

Too short to be a mascot. Yeah, you gotta be like 5'4 to be a mascot. Oh my God. You gotta be 5'4. Yeah, I left it up, dude. Clearly, he wanted this. Yeah, somehow this is sadder than the other lady's mom's cancer diagnosis is finding out that this sweet boy is too short to live his dream is a mascot.

Oh my god, Ronnie, what else? I want to interview you forever. Another thing about me is that... This is the cutest guy of all time. There's more things. Tell us. Yes. Tell us everything, Ronnie. I came in third place in a prettiest butthole in competition. Oh, my God. Oh my God. Some of you might not know what goes on in Detroit, exactly.

Well, prettiest butthole competitions are a thing. Would you like to? reprise? Yeah. Wait, no, no, no, no, let's not. Let's not. The problem is, like, for me, like, I would need someone else

to hold my other cheek because you can only get half the vision. Andrew Santino. And no, we can't pull out his butthole. It's a, it's a, I'm getting word from the Food and Beverage Administration that's... Give me, pass me the knife.

We're going to cut it out and then display it on a, uh, uh, Ron. I would do it, dude. I was gonna fucking do it. Oh, I believe you. Yeah, I like you. Where was this, yeah.

Where was this competition held? It was in Lansing, Michigan. Oh, yeah. Well, what did number one and two look like? How did they beat you? So, number two, like, I don't know if anyone ever seen like, but this guy had glitter shoved up his ass. Oh, my God.

And like, he farted at one point, and like it shot out. Wow. It was amazing, all right? Yeah. Here's me thinking Killstoney is a great show. That's a great show. That is a great show. I'm going to get the number two guy on.

Give him a minute next week. Sorry, that was the number two guy. Who won? So this lady, she was from Oklahoma. And, like, she had a flower tattooed on her ass. Like, the center of the flower was the spinkter. Wow. And what was your spin?

How did you get third? Well, so they had an interview section, and I told everyone it was my make-a-wish. Wow. Wow. Very good. Wow. Very good.

Oh my God. Unbelevable. I literally went from eighth to third in five words. Wow. So the butthole might be just frightening and disgusting. Oh, natural. I felt very accomplished. Absolutely. Andrew's going to cut the hair off of it with Zach Brown's knife, right?

Right, right. Amazing, Ronnie. So you're 27. What do you do for work? How do you make money, Ronnie? I do you doordash right now. Unbelievable. I mean, actually totally believable.

I mean, like, I kind of got fired for my last job. I was a pool boy. Or as I like to say, I was going around this, like, fucking up every middle-aged woman's fucking wet dream to see my gumpy ass walk in. Okay. I know you're many years away from your first Netflix special, but my gumpy ass might well be the title.

Yep. I'll definitely put that in the notes. Absolutely. So it's amazing because you're like an anomaly. You're like so many of the people, we had a pool guy on earlier. We had a DoorDash guy on earlier. We had an asshole. Yeah.

Amazing. Ronnie, so do you ever have a crazy DoorDash? Do you have any moments that? Yeah, the other day they had me to. door-dashing tires? Whoa. I felt that was, like, racially profiled. I'm like, I know how I look,

but, like, you're going to have my cripple ass with four heavy tires? Amazing. How did you do it? I fucking had a white person help me. Yeah. That's right. Yeah.

And don't you forget it, Ronnie. Did you tell them it was your make-a-wish? Yeah. Wow. Wow. Ronnie, you are incredible. Every disabled Mexican deserves a white person. Guatemalan, sorry, Guatemalan. You live here now?

Yeah, I lived out here. How long have you lived in Austin? For about six months now. What do you love about Austin? Tell us what you're doing for fun out there. I honestly, I love just like seeing people who look like me so I can know which haircuts I can and cannot go with. Can I be the first to say no one else looks like you?

Yeah. You're a non-fungible human. Is that haircut? Oh, what the fuck? Hang on. There's another one in a hat. There's a bunch of them over there. They're everywhere. What is that haircut?

Is that like Steve Carell from the office? What are you rocking right now? I don't know. I had a white bar. and I, like, for, like, the longest time I just walked in, I'm like, just do it, just don't fuck me up, and this is what I've been going with. It looks great.

Fucking white people. It looks great, Ronnie. What's your love life like, Ronnie? You've been with a girl? It's really non-existent right now. I just been focusing on comedy later. I love that. Have you been with anyone since you moved to Texas?

I actually fucked a stripper. Oh, wow. Jesus, Ronnie. Ronnie. Oh, my goodness. You've activated the lights, Ronnie. Tell us about this stripper. Kripper, Jimmy Car.

That sounds like hell of a Tuesday morning. Yeah. No doubt about it. So, like, what actually happened was that I was, like, I applied for disability and got denied, and, like, I got my tax write off, so I was like, I'm going to the strip club. Okay, let me, real quick. How much was this tax write-off for exactly? I think it was, like, $1,500?

$1,500. Let's blow it right away. Straight to the fucking strip club, let's go. What did you wear to the strip club? Was it that? I was wearing a Batman shirt. Oh, yeah, brother. Oh, yeah.

It had the abs and everything on. Oh, my God. That is, right. There isn't a dry seat in the house. Yeah, exactly. You and a Batman t-shirt, please. Exactly. The manager came into the champagne room,

and he's like, where is she? So you're wearing a Batman shirt, you show up to the strip club, just fucking that music playing in your head. What's that fucking? song that the with the horns that is the what are you five foot two you're lucky you didn't drown him pussy no no not that one no the one the one that's uh the pick the the the more what the fuck was that pick up pick up the pieces what is that what is that pick up the pieces

you know what the fuck i'm talking about now forget it all right you have cool music playing in your head that YouTube won't let us reproduce right now. And then what goes on? First stripper you see. Well, yeah, not the first stripper I saw because, like, the first one I saw was Hispanic and there was a language

barrier there. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Don't judge by the color of their skin, but by the language they speak. That's what DeMadness lives by as well. Go ahead.

Because if like, the thing is like, I can't speak Spanish, so I can't bargain. You're damn right. And the bargaining is necessary. So it was a white woman and like, she's like, let's go to the champagne room and everything. And like, I was like, oh, no, get back there. I'm like, oh, no, I got to negotiate condom or not. And like, she just literally grabbed it and put it right in. Wow.

Unbelievable. And that's how he got cerebral palsy, everybody. Before that, his left arm was totally fine. He was the quarterback of the football team, a left-handed quarterback before that. I like how you were going to negotiate condom or not condom. You didn't want to, you were just... No, the price.

Yeah. Condom. Yeah. You were used, so you wanted no condom. I didn't want it, but, like, I was just, like, I wasn't not going to just, like, not negotiate, try to get a couple bucks off. So what did you get it down to?

Let's talk about the negotiation process. It was, like, I think, $3.50. You raw dog the stripper in Detroit for three. No, this was in Austin. Whoa. Oh, my goodness. Don't ask. Don't ask.

Should I ask which strip club? We all know which one it is. Which strip club was it? It was Rick's cabinet. Wait, it was what? Rick's cabinet. It's north of 35. Hold on.

There's a patch of the room losing their minds. I think they're having an employee outing right now. Three fifty's the EWock price. What was that? 350's the EWock price. You are a little fucking EWalk. Look at you, that's what it is. I've been wondering what you remind me of you're the fucking,

we have the Estonian Assassin and the Guatemalan EWalk tonight. This is absolutely incredible Zach Brown with a fucking call on the field. I was wondering what the fuck you were. That's what it is. Look at you. We shaved the knee walk and got him late. Fucking Austin, what a town. It's unbelievable. So 3.50, and you're negotiating, right?

You're sitting there and you go, you know, I really like to have sex with you. Like that, right? Is that what you said? Well, she was the one who initiated it, which made me kind of thrown off a little bit. What did she say exactly? She goes, I want to fuck you.

I need to fuck you. I would go over me. You, Batman, name your price for the bidding shall be mine. And the chlamydia shall be yours. Your abs have confused me, Batman. $3.50 is a deal. What did she say? No, she was just like, she was just, I think, like,

she was just down from it from the beginning. Because like, whenever I'm like at the strip club, like, I like having a real conversation. I'm like, so what do you do on Tuesday? God, you're the cutest human being of all time. So was this the first and last time at that, or this is a regular? Yeah, that was the first time I've ever been there. I haven't been back.

I should go back. But now after this, I don't think they want me back. No, I think they do. I think you just fucking blew up their business big time. Everybody just found out they can fuck for $3.50. With a $1,500 tax return, my $1,000. Friend, I do believe that's about four or five fuckings. Why are we still here?

Yeah. Let's all go. We know where the after party is, and we're taking the sweet EWalk with us. So again, what exactly does this stripper say? Well, so I was just like there, and she goes, do you want to go to the champagne room? I'm like, all right, but what are we going to do?

Which kind of shows how, like, I'm innocent in a way. I was like, what are we going to do? She goes, I'll make sure it's worth your time. I'm like, all right, let's fucking do this. I'm always down for the game. Okay, so then what happened? This guy goes, I'm innocent. He was like, let's go raw dog.

Yeah. It's like nothing innocent about you at all. The moment your cop goes out, you're like, I'm putting this inside of you right now. It really is. I'm so, who me? I'm so innocent. It really, really is.

I love you, man. You are something else. So again, I make sure it's worth your time. But then again, how do you get to fucking raw dogging? I mean, make sure it's worth your time is what a stripper says when she's about to dance on you with, you know, fucking underwear on for two songs. How do you get to fucking?

Well, so she goes, we literally walk into the champagne room. She goes, go sit in that corner and take it out. I'm like, okay. What? What? I'm sorry, Yellow Rose and Red Rose have been sponsoring us for a long time. But let me tell you, that place fucking sucks compared to this song. compared to this strong.

Because sit in the corner and pull it out. This is the world's greatest trip of all time. It's amazing. What the fuck? Risk, what's it called? It was Rick's Cabinet. We have it on Yelp right here. Rick's Cabaret.

Rick's Cabaret. Let's read some Yelp reviews. Whole fucking shit. Oh my God. Well, you know what we're going to do? Because it's tradition here. to start with the one-star reviews, but I got to tell you, this is the, I'm going to go to some five-star reviews, too. Let's actually start with the fives and then we'll go to the ones that

lists the STDs. That's a five-star review right there. Oh, no doubt about it. Shit, if they want to sponsor me, I wear a shirt everywhere. Hunter F from Huddo, Texas, January 26, 2024. The women are beautiful. The staff is attentive and personable, can't beat free prime rib on Fridays. Make sure to sit at the bar with Jackie and Shy. Buy a few shots, and they will give you the best recommendations on the dancers. Tell them that Hunter sent you. Wow.

Thank you, Hunter. What an amazing. Tell them I sent you from Yelp. Strip Club Five Star Yelp reviews might be the most insane thing we've ever done on this show, by the way. Tell them Hunter sent you. creep that guy is. That's frightening. Had a blast there, super professional while also being fun

got champagne and relaxed with friends. Reggie and Mario made us feel comfortable. Bought two bottles of whiskey on it being way less than I thought it would be. All right. Yeah, let's go to the one star reviews. We've got to get to the good shit here. We're going to find out exactly. Let's look who. Okay. It is an interesting

thought. Who wouldn't they fuck? Oh my goodness. Oh boy. Oh, black men. Okay, let's read this one. Mark C. from Manhattan, New York. Oh boy, I'm the guy from Manhattan rolled into this fucking joint where this guy's just raw-dogging.

I mean, just bodily fluids being exchanged on every pump. In and out, just liquids coming out of him. The third most beautiful asshole in Lansing, Michigan, just fully exposed on the leather. The same leather that people sit on while eating free prime rib on Fridays. And little did they know

that the third best Lansing asshole is just bouncing off of it with a fucking hand that's throwing up gang signs 24-7. And here we go. Mark C. said, I decided to go to this club on a Saturday night with a group of co-workers and friends. I have to say I was very disappointed.

We are from out of town, but come to Austin for some conferences. The women here were not attractive and were a mixture of very skinny women to women with poor plastic surgery ass and back acne. Did you notice this girl had any acne? No, I didn't notice that.

Beautiful. The lighting is everything, people. Lighting is everything. Man, there's not really anything about, oh, okay. We are a racially diverse group, white, black, Indian, and Korean. Other reviews on Google said they ignore black guys,

and I have to say, it's true. Oh, my God. Two of my coworkers received no attention all night, and guess what? They were black. I noticed it and kind of felt bad, but it is not my establishment. But yeah, definitely,

but yeah, definitely noticed black men were being ignored at Ricks. Did you notice black men were being ignored there? Honestly, I wasn't looking at anybody. I was on a mission. Can you imagine being a black guy? Sitting at a strip club, no one's been dancing for you all night.

This fucking guy walks in. Five minutes later, His pick is out. And it's just a girl with no acne at all sitting on it. Oh my God. Don't eat the food, terrible. Stay away from this place. I went with my coworker on Friday.

I got a few rounds, no issues. Man, there's no one else's fucking. You are the only one that's ever fucked at this establishment. Keep reading fast. Red Band. Let's go back to this. So I gotta know. How long do you think you lasted the sex? Shit, like maybe a minute a half? Minute and a half. Good job. Good job. Did you leave it in or did you take it out? There's no way. Oh no!

There's no way! No way! I'm disabled, do you really think I'm gonna throw her off of me? No, yeah. Well, you can't. Hold on a second. Stop everything. No leverage. Stop. Everybody shut the fuck up. You came inside of the stripper? Not on purpose. Oh my God. Oh my God.

In 18 years, there's going to be the world's scariest stripper just picking up ones off a stage. It's fucking... Oh my God. My friend, that is seriously. My friend, that is cerebral palsy. Have you gone back to see... Have you gone back to see if she's pregnant?

Oh, hell no. That's why you're not going back. Wow. Realistically, yeah. You went to... Like, honestly, like, as soon as I came, I was, like, the first thought I had in my head was, I'm like, this is why I didn't qualify for disability.

Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Exactly. Jimmy Carr, what do you think about the... I just hope you do go back. I hope you build a relationship and a life with this woman because one day in the future, I want this to be,

Grandma, Grandpa, how did you meet? And I want this story to come out. Wow. Unbelievable. He's fucking, oh, yeah, okay. All right. Very disappointed for my first time at a strip club with my new husband. I wanted to take him out for his birthday and really wanted to check out a strip club together.

one of the toilets was clogged and filled with nasty toilet paper bloodied and soiled and the other two stalls yeah red band this is just like your material red band showing me is set list from this Thursday is a secret show

okay so you came inside of her do you give her 350 right then did you tip anything were you like maybe did you ask for change on the fourth hundred even though you came inside of her I used cash up Wow. Wow.

So you digitally cream-pied her bank account. Unbelievable. Like a gentleman. Wow. I got to tell you, it's been a 24-minute-long interview with Ronnie Rorbeck. The adopted Guatemalan Ewa with the third most beautiful asshole from Lansing, Michigan, arrived to Austin, Texas, started cream-pying strippers immediately. just absolutely fucking incredible.

I love you, Ronnie. How much material do you think you have all together, stand-up-wise? I just did a half hour with my front on the road a couple weeks ago. You better invite this motherfucker right now. I'd love to have you on The Secret Show. Bring him a cupcake. You know what? She's bringing cupcakes.

You bring some cream pies. He's not going to be able to catch that, too. I'm holding the mic in my bad hand, so I actually try and catch him. Switch, so it's funny. I'm gonna aim for that right tit, so you can cup it right there. You ready? Ronnie Roarback, ladies and gentlemen.

Holy shit. What an episode. You guys have fun? This is the number one show in all of comedy, ladies and gentlemen, brought to you by Talk Space. I'm gonna remind you one more time. Zach Brown is at the sphere. December.

January 2025, 2026, Santino. White Noise is out now on Hulu. He's on tour, Andrewsantino.com. Of course, bad friends. Jimmy Carr is on a world tour, Australia, New Zealand, and the entire world, jimmycar.com, car with two R's. And now, you know, even though all of our regulars are always busy,

there just happens to be one more comedian left. And there's just one guy that could end an episode like this. It is the Hall of Famer with the record for all-time appearances and interviews on the show. Some people call him the Memphis Strangler, the Vanilla Gorilla, the Duke of debauchery. He is the Big Red Machine. This is the one and only William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen.

I was at the courthouse the other day. some land deeds. And you know the property where the Batcave is? It's owned by Wayne Enterprises. Why would Bruce Wayne? Wait, does Batman owe Bruce Wayne money? I mean, the dude is saving the day all day. And does he ever get a tip? Hell no. Dude's probably broke as hell. And you know the government isn't paying him because the cop street guy keep trying to shut his ass down. I messed that part up. Thank you. Everybody's talking about how AI is going to take over the world.

Yeah, the movie kind of sucked. This is an impression of me sending a text to the wrong group chat. Want to go to Antifa prom with me? People always look at birds and say, dang, man, I wish I could fly. But birds are probably looking down. us and saying, dang man, I wish I could start a conspiracy theory. That's my time. Thank you, Tock.

All the regulars with exactly a minute tonight, right on the dot. God, I really bombed at the beginning. This is a real rough one tonight, but it would seem okay, I guess. I don't know. People love you. You're out here. You've done it more than anybody else. You've literally done hours and hours and hours on this show.

It is incredible. It's also, it was kind of a fucking great premise. Yeah. Yeah, thank you, I know. Batman Bruce Wayne thing, there's fucking something in that. You didn't go the way you wanted tonight, but there's something fucking great. There's something in there, I agree. Thank you, I agree.

Great, William. And that weirdo guy was talking about Batman? So I'm thinking, oh my God, this is going to be so good. Yeah. I'm thinking, there's no way this weird guy is talking about Batman. I know you're not calling my new best friend weird. That is Ronnie Rorbeck. I know, I'm kidding.

He seemed nice. He's a sweet boy. William, how's life been going? What's going on? Tell us about. It's been good. Just got back from Salt Lake City. I was there this weekend. The shows were a lot of fun. And then on Sunday morning when I woke up at 7 a.m., I looked out of my window and there was a hotel on the other side of the street. And I watched these two people have sex for probably 20 minutes. They were doing it right by their window. And I couldn't really understand what was happening. Because it seemed like the girl, I swear to God. At first I'm like, is this a mannequin? Is she passed out? I couldn't tell because he's constantly doing her legs. Like he was driving her. Or, you know. something. I couldn't even tell what was going on, but I watched it for 20 minutes, Tony. It was very exciting on my Sunday morning. Did you touch yourself when you were doing this at all? No.

You had to think about it there. I didn't this weekend at all, Tony. I wasn't really in the mood. You didn't masturbate at all? Not at all this week. I wasn't in the mood. Yeah, but then I just wasn't in the mood. Why do you think you weren't in the mood? I don't know.

Jimmy? I feel like you're saving it for a subway. Yeah. What, a subway sandwich place, like the bathroom of a subway? I think on the New York subway, I feel like it's the right place for you to be masturbating. I know. There could be a fun place. Maybe, yeah, the subway, or what's another good place?

Let's think of another place, like a McDonald's or something. Maybe McDonald's could be a fun place for me to be jacking off. Where else could be? What is some more... Like a movie theater? It could maybe be a wonderful place to fucking jack off. But what do you really... Maybe like the fucking zoo or something, Tony?

Wow. Maybe in front of the penguins? Oh. Oh, no, too cold, Tony, not in there. Whoa! Somewhere in the zoo, but not with the pink was to do now! Oh! My dick's already small, dude!

Oh, my God. Uh, but where else? Maybe like, uh... Maybe like a gas station! Whoa, what gas station? Huh? Uh, uh, sit-go? Maybe a sit-go or...

Buckees is roommate. I know Buckees. Oh my gosh, how did I not think of Buckees? Maybe I could jack off on Buckees. because Bucky walks around the Buckees every day from 10 to 12 p.m. 10 a.m. to 12 p.m. Wow. So if I go between 10 and 12, I'll be able to catch his ass in there. So maybe that's a good idea. And I could just jack off all on them and have a fun rest of the day, I'm sure. I'm sure the rest of my day after that would be good. So.

Wow. Jack it off on fucking Bucky's nasty, hairy fucking ass. Wow. One of the companies that I've always wanted to sponsor the show and I guess I'll never have to chase that dream again. No, Tony, you need to and then we can get together because we'll be around each other a lot. If he's here like every Monday, I think I'd be able to charm him so far. Oh, okay.

Get the sponsor maybe, Tony. It appears as though William thinks the Bucky Beaver is a real beaver, a real grown beaver, Jimmy Carr. Can I ask about when you were watching this couple making love across the street. Was there any eye contact? At any point, did you think

they're going to see me watching them? The guy would look a little bit, but I was down. They were up like three stories, and then I was also hiding behind the curtain at first. I was sitting on the bed at first, and I was like, wait, I got to stand up.

And then I was standing up, and then I was naked this entire time. Why were you naked? Just thinking maybe I could help them out if they see my ass down there. They're going to be like, oh my God, this is freaky. That dude's naked down there.

So I thought maybe I could help, but they did not see me. Wow. But it was exciting. It really was. That is incredible. How did it end? Did you notice? How could you tell you were done?

I had to get out of there. I had to get my lift. Because I ordered my lift like halfway through, but the lift was taken a while, so that I was able to watch them longer. But then I had to just leave. Amazing. Why lift? Why is the lift your go to? I always look at Lyft and Uber and whatever's cheaper.

That's what I go with. Wow. A very thrifty William on God. shockingly thrifty literally rich literally no I wouldn't say that Tony and I wouldn't also say that there's a bunch of fucking weirdos that watch a bunch of really nice people but which are weirdos people don't need to think I have a bunch of money because I don't so right the government takes a lot I mean there's it's not really it's not a lot so we don't even need to talk about right we really totally I love it here's like some strange people that would just

love to think that I'm some rich person living in some little Really worried about what other people think for a guy that just admitted to watching two people fuck from a hotel window butt naked. I mean, I think your priorities are a little out of whack. Well, we live in a weird time. There's a bunch of weirdos out there, Tony. I mean, we're in a strange time. I love that. Weirdos, you say. Yeah. There's weirdos everywhere and there's so. Sure. Yeah. What else you've been doing for fun, William? Anything else? Just the fucking row machine. I'm at 1,900,900,000 meters. Wow. So. Have you ever thought about jerking off on the? row machine. No, I almost vomited the other day. So it would not be, I wouldn't be in the mood. Right. All right. At all. Is there anything else that you're passionate about? Any new snacks in your life? Just some butterfingers, Tote! Yep. Wow. This guy's completely bored out of his mind. Look at this fucking guy's face. Do you have a problem with me tonight? You didn't like the first joke? I messed up on the first

fucking joke. What are you one of these fucking weirdos that would love to think that I'm some person living in some little apartment? Are you one of these fucking dudes? Is that where you're looking at me like that? Dumbass. You really think we're not gonna be able to see your fucking face, dude? You're right there in the light. Yeah, you got caught daydreaming, bro.

That guy's gonna have a panic attack, right? That is bad. William Beanie and I still up to. Who are you with your sister? Who's that lady with you? I'm kidding. Is that your... Who is that?

That's his girlfriend. Are you ever gonna... They just go back from Salt Lake City. Are you ever gonna stop harassing this guy, William? I don't think I've ever gonna stop her! William Montgomery, ladies and gentlemen, this episode is brought you by Talkspace. White noises on Hulu, the great Andrew Santino,

tickets at Andrewsantino.com. Jimmycar.com for his tickets. And one more time, what a special treat. The great Zach Brown, ladies and gentlemen, of the Zach Brown band at the sphere, All of December and all of January, ladies and gentlemen. And don't forget, the brand new album, Love and Fear, comes out on night one of their sphere performances.

Friday, December 5th. Zach, fun times, thank you, my friend. How about one more time for the best damn band in the land? The drawing from Ryan J. E. Belveson, it's incredible. Let's see what Chris Rogers drew tonight. Oh, D. Madness, look at that. That's amazing. D, it's beautiful, I promise.

Did you guys have fun tonight? Red Band. Guys, check out Jet Ski, Jettsky Johnson's new podcast. I think Santino, were you on it? Yeah. It's amazing. Go watch Jet Fuel. Kill Tony's super alumni JetSky Johnson has a podcast now.

The great Heidi and Valerie Vaughn. The Kill Tony Beauties have a podcast. Yeah, check out everything. Thank you to Talk Space and thank you to the live audience. Don't forget, New Year's Eve. We're at the Moody Center. You people finally have a chance at seeing Kill Tony Live, but you got to do it

on New Year's Eve in a big ass arena. It's going to be crazy. We love you. Thank you. Good night, everybody. The Sunset Strip Comedy Club in Austin, Texas is now over. Check out Red Band's secret show every Thursday. Go to SunsetstripATX.com for tickets. Thank you. Thank you.

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